#i need someone to wrote this
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I want a fic that's post Starcourt and Billy and Steve find each other again (in the Upside Down or in Cali or wherever) and I want Billy to go absolutely feral when he sees the hair on Steve's chest...
Because that sure as fuck wasn't there when they shared showers in gym class...
#harringrove#billy hargrove#steve harrington#billy x steve#i need someone to wrote this#steve's chest hair#steve chest hair agenda
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n a s t y d o g I logan howlett x fem!mutant!reader
One-shot A/N: I've never felt this way about a fictional character before. Every gif I see of him has me gnawing and biting at the bars of my enclosure. I want to bite him. If Hugh Jackman ever discovered what thoughts lurk inside my rotted brain about him he'd get a restraining order. This isn't OKAY Anyways... Summary: You'd thought you'd had a good thing going with Logan. You weren't officially anything to each other, but you were getting close. You truly saw a future with him, but he made it incredibly clear he did not feel the same 18+ HATE FUCKING (MDNI)
(one chance please, just one chance with him)
âAre you sure this isnât totally clingy girlfriend of me?â
Ororo gives you an irritated look and Jean laughs. âNot at all, Scott loves it when I surprise him like this.â Youâre all huddled in your room, each of you in varying stages of getting ready. Jean is finishing off her eyeliner at your vanity, Ororo is putting on her boots, and youâre trying to decide between a skirt and a dress.Â
Youâre not entirely sure how, or why, Logan and Scott decided to go to the bar together tonight. You suspect it has something to do with Jean. She wants them to start getting along so thereâs less friction when youâre all around each other.Â
At Jeanâs idea, Logan had muttered, âWhen hell freezes over,â in your ear before he had left for the night. Youâd gotten a little antsy without him to entertain you and had mistakenly blurted out the idea of going to visit them. Ororo had been dying to get out of the house and Jean was a little worried about her boyfriend as well. Theyâd agreed to go along with you and youâve felt a weight in your stomach ever since.Â
Your relationship with Logan was relatively new. Hell, a month ago youâd thought heâd hated you the same he did Scott. Youâd, of course, been proven wrong when youâd had a few drinks with him and things had taken a very physical turn.Â
You werenât sure if heâd just wanted a one-night stand or something serious. But when youâd tried to sneak out the next morning and heâd muttered a grumpy, âWhereâre you going?â Youâd gotten your answer.Â
You hadnât been on any real dates, there didnât ever seem to be time for them. But you spent most of your days together. Sometimes just silently enjoying each otherâs company, other times you would be holed up in one of your rooms cuddling. The thought always brings a stupid lovesick grin to your face.Â
Itâs one of your first real relationships and youâre worried that things are moving a little too fast. At least on your end. You can already tell that youâre falling for him. Headfirst into the deep end of love. And itâs terrifying because you truly cannot tell what he thinks about you. Clearly, he likes you. If he didnât, he wouldnât let you follow him around like a lost puppy.Â
But heâs never truly said anything to you. Thereâs no official label as to what you two are. You say girlfriend off-handly and you usually donât mean it when you reference yourself. Youâve never outright said heâs your boyfriend and heâs never really claimed you. Heâs made it explicitly clear he doesnât want you sleeping with other men, and youâve said the same to him about women. You both agreed on that, butâŠ
You kind of drive yourself crazy trying to figure this out. Heâs not vocal about his feelings and everythingâs still new so you donât like pressuring him. You also worry that if you push him too far heâll just get tired of you and move on. Itâs not fair to assume that of him, and you know everything would be better if you just talked to him. But youâre scared. Youâre scared the conversation will take the wrong direction and everything will blow up in your face.Â
Jean calls your name and your head shoots up to see both Ororo and Jean looking at you expectantly. You flush when you realize they must have been talking to you and youâd just completely zoned out thinking about Logan.Â
âHuh?â You blurt out, cringing at how dumb you sound.Â
Jean gives you a concerned look, âI can practically taste your anxiety.â The telepath frowns and offers you a comforting smile. âDonât worry about it, I promise, Logan wonât mind at all.â
âYouâre fine,â Ororo adds, because clearly the look on your face screams, I need constant validation. Theyâre not wrong, but still, you hate feeling like an exposed bundle of nerves. âThink of it as girlâs night, the boys just happen to be there.âÂ
You force a smile on your face and give your most enthusiastic nod. You change into the dress and finish up with your hair. You finally start chatting with them again, engaging so it might disguise just how nervous you feel.Â
Thereâs this clenching feeling, traveling from your stomach up to your chest. It makes you sick, makes you hurt. And itâs not because you think Logan will be upset with you for crashing. Heâd be relieved, if anything. Thereâs something else. Premonition isnât one of your abilities, but youâre seriously starting to doubt that now.Â
The bar is loud when you walk in. The soles of your shoes immediately start to stick to the floor and your nose screws up in disgust at the loud laughter coming from around the pool tables. You glance around, trying to see if you can spot Logan.Â
Youâd say you could spot him in any crowd. But has a propensity to hunker down and try to attract as little attention as possible so people donât bother him. âThere he is,â Jean taps your shoulders and points to the two men at the end of the bar.Â
Like youâd thought, Logan is hunched over his whiskey, glowering down at the wood under him like it had insulted him. You almost want to laugh at the sight. Some of the earlier anxiety eases its grip on you and you feel your shoulders begin to untense.Â
Before you can walk over Ororo grabs Jeanâs wrist. âGotta go to the bathroom,â she tugs Jean behind her.Â
Jean looks over her shoulder at you and smiles encouragingly, âGo to them, weâll catch up in a second.â You give her a tentative nod and slip through the crowd. There are more people here than you thought there would be.Â
Youâre happy not to spot any kids in the crowd. Youâve had a few too many nights out crashed by kids who thought they were good at sneaking out.Â
Itâs easy enough not to spot you or the other women in the crowd. Mutants have gotten good at blending in with the people around them. Makes it easier to get around. Itâs probably why neither Logan nor Scott stop their conversation as you approach. âSo,â Scott draws the word out, fingers tapping against the glass of his beer.Â
âDonât,â Logan warns. You want to laugh at his grumpy demeanor, but someoneâs accidentally elbowed you and you find yourself stumbling a few steps back. Itâs taking entirely too long to get to them, the bar isnât even that big. Thereâs just that many people here.Â
Scott ignores him and rolls his eyes. âLook, weâre stuck here for a while. Try and pull that stick out of your ass.â
âHow about I put one in yours?â Loganâs claws come out slightly. But then they both share an odd look and Scott smirks. âShut the fuck up,â Logan grouses, ânot like that.â
âRight,â Scott huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. He picks up his bottle and takes a long drink. Youâve nearly reached them now. You stop, though, when you hear Scott say your name. You shouldnât, you really shouldnât. Eavesdropping now is just asking to get hurt.Â
You drop back into the crowd, hoping the smells of others will stop Logan from discovering you lurking behind them both. Scott continues, âHowâs that going?â
You crane your neck forward, trying to hear them better over the karaoke happening behind you. Someone is butchering Britney Spears but you couldnât care less right now. Logan shouldnât answer. Since when has he ever shared anything with Scott?
So, imagine your surprise when his answer isnât immediately telling him to fuck off. âEh,â he shrugs, downing the rest of his whiskey. Your face drops in irritation. Seriously, all this skulking around for an Eh? Thatâs bullshit.Â
You keep yourself from stepping forward, forcing your feet still, and ignoring the little voice in the back of your head telling you this is a bad idea. Youâve committed this much, youâre seeing it through. Scott whistles lowly, âThat bad, huh?â Oh, fuck off, Summers.Â
Logan shakes his head and for a moment you have a brief feeling of hope lifting you up. âNah, not bad. Itâs just, I donât know.â Logan sits up and signals the bartender for a refill. Your snooping senses go off and you briefly see Ororo and Jean exiting the bathroom. Desperate for something to keep them at bay, you flick your wrist. The man in front of them tips his drink down Jeanâs shirt, slurring out apologies. Jean huffs and Ororo brings her back into the bathroom.Â
Scott and Logan somehow missed the whole interaction and you promise yourself that youâll pay for Jeanâs dry cleaning. Youâre definitely not going to. âThink she wants something I donât,â Logan tells Scott, and your heart plummets to your feet. You can practically see it deflate, all the lovesickness draining out of it and onto the floor of this grimy bar.Â
âLike, she just wants to fuck around?â
Logan shakes his head and downs another glass of whiskey. Heâs just swallowing it down like itâs water. At a certain point, the bartender gets sick of it and just leaves him with the bottle. âNo, she wants something real. Like a real relationship.â Scottâs brows furrow and Logan shrugs. âNot interested.âÂ
Itâs the way he says it that really bothers you. Thereâs nothing wrong with wanting something different in a relationship. It happens all the time. But he says it so dismissively. He knows that you want something real with him, something secure and loving. He knows that, continues to fuck you and lead you on, and then speaks as though youâre an idiot for ever being interested in that.Â
Hurt hasnât set in yet. Youâre staring wide-eyed, jaw agape with shock as you stare at Loganâs back. Youâd thought a conversation needed to be had. But you didnât think that he thought of you like this. Youâd thought you meant something to him.Â
Scott seems to share the sentiment, his lips tugged down into a frown. He leans against the bar, surveying Logan with a disbelieving look. âWhat?â Logan snaps.
Scott raises his hands in surrender, shaking his head and backing off. âNothing, man, I just thought you two were serious about each other.â You miss whatever Logan says as an arm slings itself around your shoulder.Â
âWhatâre you doing?â A husky, seductive voice whispers against the shell of your ear. You jump in shock, glaring at Ororo as she grins at you. She lets her arm slide off your shoulders and glances over at Jean. âI think she was spying.â
Jean nods, nudging you forward. âDefinitely spying. Hear anything good?â
You fortify your mind against her probing fingers before she can find out. âNope,â you blurt out. You hope the racing of your heart is dismissed by your constantly frazzled nature. You hope the look on your face is explained by your earlier boredom and anxiety. You pray that none of them notice the way you lean away from Logan when the men finally turn around and notice you all.Â
Scott breathes out a dramatic sigh of relief and slumps onto Jean. âThank god, I thought I was going to die trying to talk to this brick wall.â his eyes flick towards you in a blink-and-you-miss-it moment. Thereâs a brief pitying look before he grins. âCome to get your boyfriend?â Thereâs a heavy emphasis on the word that you never would have noticed had you not heard their conversations.Â
Itâs clearly a petty dig at Logan. And you would appreciate it if you didnât feel the sudden urge to vomit up your dinner. âThought you might need saving from Logan.â You tell him, a chuckle hiding the slight tremor in your voice.Â
Youâre not sure if he does, but you hope Logan notices how you avoided the word boyfriend. You hope that he hurts the same way you do. But you know, deep down, that he doesnât care. Heâs probably relieved that you didnât use the title.Â
Logan gets off his stool, he wraps his arm around your shoulder, and pulls you into a brief hug. His lips press against your temple before he dips down to whisper, âThank you,â in your ear.
Asshole, heâs not allowed to smile at you the way he is. If you werenât in such a crowded place and already overstimulated, youâd shove him away. If your friends werenât watching youâd take his arm and slam it down onto the bar until you hear his fucking adamantium bones break.Â
That might have been too far. Maybe youâre not that angry, but youâre hurt.
You place your hands against his chest, a thin smile on your lips while you hum a simple, âMhm.â He doesnât seem to notice the way you push away from him. Itâs easily dismissed by you cheekily stealing his seat at the bar.Â
He comes up behind you, hands bracketing you and keeping you stuck against the bar while you order your drink. One of his hands drifts down, laying against your thigh. You know this isnât sexual, this is him comforting you.Â
He shouldnât know how horrible you feel in such busy places. He shouldnât know that and know that his touch is grounding and then help you. Not if he doesnât want something serious. If he didnât want to be your boyfriend, didnât want to be anything but a fuck, then why do this to you? Did he not think this was leading you on? Is this just him caring for you?
Youâll drown in a sea of unanswered questions before the night is over if you linger too long. You tip your head back, let your shot burn its way down your throat, and turn towards the others with a smile. You feel your worries fade and your focus loosen as you simply drift further into your mind.Â
You must have disassociated or something. By the time you realize youâre no longer hearing bad karaoke and your elbows arenât sticking to the bar, youâre already home. You stare in the mirror, hand pausing as you brush your teeth before you quickly finish.Â
You didnât drink much, you never do. It fucks with your abilities and causes migraines. You rinse your mouth out and glance into your bedroom. Logan groans and stretches. His back bows, muscles flexing and you rip your eyes away. You canât let yourself be distracted by the chest you want to drape yourself across.Â
You need to talk to him. Itâs never been more clear. You wipe your mouth and toss the towel onto the rim of the sink. You take in a deep breath, trying to get rid of the nerves plaguing you. Itâs never worked before, itâs not going to suddenly cure you now.Â
You give up on the thought and instead, shove down the anxiety until you have enough confidence to speak. It takes a little while, Logan peaks an eye open, eyebrows quirked when he sees you just staring at him. âSomething up, bub?â he flexes, on purpose, and you roll your eyes. You grab his shirt out of your hamper and toss it at him.Â
âPut this on. Canât think when you look like that.â
He chuckles, âThatâs the point.â at your pointed glare his smile drops and he tugs the beater on. It barely does anything to deter you. If anything youâre having more trouble paying attention. Especially now that his full attention is on you. The humor is gone from the room, a thick tension replaces it. Logan seems to feel it, sitting up straighter and glaring at you like heâs trying to read your mind. âWhatâs wrong?â Itâs a demand more than a question.Â
Itâs hard to look at him. But you refuse to let yourself cower now. You take in a fortifying breath and let your gaze bore into his. You put all the hurt and anger you feel into it, willing yourself to be firm. âWe need to talk.â
ââBout what?â Heâs brusque, but thereâs a slight concern to his tone.Â
Thereâs no point hiding this. And maybe you had misheard, maybe there was a conversation prefacing the one youâd heard. And youâll talk it out and everything will be okay. âI heard you and Scott talking at the bar.â
The hope you had, as minimal as it was, is dashed at your feet. He sucks in a deep breath and the look on his face has you crestfallen. You can feel your chest cave in. You feel so stupid all of a sudden. Constantly following after him, even before you started dating him. Looking at him with stars in your eyes and latching onto his every move and word.Â
Youâd worshiped him, put him up on a pedestal he didnât deserve. Superhuman or not, at the end of the day he was still a man. And theyâve done nothing but disappoint you. You suck your teeth, gaze dropping to your feet as you fight back the tears in your eyes. âRight,â you whisper, stepping back from him.Â
âLook,â he starts. You force your eyes up and watch as he rubs uncomfortably at the back of his neck. He takes a step towards you and you shake your head, stepping away from him. His arms fall to his sides and he sighs. âSorry,â he mutters.
âThatâs it?â You demand, tone incredulous. You werenât some great love or anything. But thatâs seriously all he has to say.
He opens his mouth, eyes softening as he stares at you. Then he snaps it shut, something covers his face and his expression is borderline cruel as he sneers at you. âNot my fault you got in over your head, kid. Never said I wanted anything more with you.â He points at you, and you suddenly feel like a little girl getting scolded. Youâve never had a partner make you feel this small, especially not Logan. âYou were just convenient.â
You rear back like he slapped you. You think it might have hurt less than that. To know you wasted so much time on such a fucking dick makes you want to throw up. Or scream, or cry. You canât decide on one. But your powers can, the walls are shaking, knick-knacks falling off your shelves as energy pulses from you.Â
Youâll face the hurt, the sadness, the horrible ache of rejection later. Right now, you need him out of your face before you bring the whole mansion crumbling down around you. âOut.â You grind the word out, turning away from him and clutching your hands to your chest. You take in quick, rapid breaths, trying to think of anything other than how horrible you feel.Â
You havenât lost control like this in a long time. Youâre not going to give him the satisfaction of being the reason you get put on probation again. He whispers your name, coming up behind you like heâs going to touch you.Â
You want to lash out, want to hurt him like heâs hurt you. But youâll only cause more damage than necessary. Heâs not worth hurting the kids in the rooms around you. You shove past him, ignoring the way he shouts your name.Â
You dart out into the hall, grateful there are so few people milling around. Nearly everyoneâs asleep, just a few stragglers finishing up their homework for tomorrow. A few of them give you odd looks that turn concerned when they see Logan chasing after you. Your bones are practically vibrating by the time you make it outside.Â
You rush towards the grove of trees at the back of the mansion. Your knees give out under you before you can make it very far. Energy pulses out of you in an explosive circle. You hear bark crack and turn into nothing but dust as the air around you trembles.Â
Itâs a relief, like going to the bathroom after holding it all day. You feel it drain away from you, a plug pulled out as the energy rushes from you. It slows after a minute, feeling more like a leak than a steady stream.Â
Your hands shake by your sides as you lay trembling on the grass. Your eyelids flutter shut and you try and keep them open but itâs hard. All of your energy had been spent keeping yourself in check until you made it out of the mansion.Â
âIâve got you,â a voice mutters near your ear. Familiar strong arms dip under your knees, lifting you up and pulling you into a sturdy chest. You recognize the body, recognize the uncomfortable warmth coming from him. But your tongue wonât work and you're passing out before you can try and push him away.Â
Youâre in your own bed when you wake up again. Youâre briefly comforted by the warm feeling of the sheets around you before you realize how cold the other side of the bed is. Youâre so used to the feeling of someone being beside you that itâs jarring for no one to be there. You sit up, a spark of anxiety lighting up inside you before itâs being quelled by an outside force.Â
âI think itâs best if we keep that under control.â Youâre not surprised to hear Charlesâs voice. You canât be, not when heâs actively keeping you calm and placid. You lean back against your headboard. You tilt your head lazily, looking at him while he looks out the window.Â
âThat tree was a hundred years old.â
You wince, face screwing up when you remember the large oak tree you obliterated last night. âI can remake it,â you promise.Â
âYou could,â he corrects, âbut whatever happened last night between you and Logan is causing your powers to be volatile.â He finally turns towards you, the motor of his wheelchair a dull buzz as he smiles at you. Thereâs no resentment in his gaze at least. Youâd known he wouldnât be mad at you. He was used to accidents like this. Had you hurt another person, however, this would be an entirely different conversation.Â
Thereâs a dull ache in your chest at the mention of Logan, but itâs quickly covered by another wave of calm from Charles. He smiles and holds out two metal bracelets. Theyâre thick, something red inlaid into the black metal. They look like handcuffs more than anything. His lips quirk up at your thought and you frown.Â
âThatâs what they are, right? Cuffs.â
âYouâre not a criminal,â he assuages, his tone gentle as you take them from him. Thereâs a small silver button inside that you click and the metal springs open. You place your left wrist inside and it snaps shut, itâs a snug fit. It wonât be moving around anytime soon. You put the right one on and feel Charlesâ hold on your mind ease the second it's closed. Every horrible feeling from last night crashes down on you and you nearly choke on it.Â
You wonder how Charles managed to keep you asleep for so long without the roof crumbling. He chuckles, the noise tired. âJean helped me. It took a while for the cuffs to be ready.â
The way he says that causes alarms to go off in your head. âHow long?â He takes in a sharp breath and shakes his head, attempting to dismiss the question. âCharles,â you snap, voice bordering on a shout.Â
âTwo days,â he says. You gasp and slump back against your sheets. He says your name but you get to your feet and pace. You don't know what to do with yourself. Thereâs energy buzzing under your skin, but the cuffs are keeping it at bay. It feels wrong like your pores are being clogged with acid.Â
âTwo days.â You look over at him, horror painting your face and you can see why he was so apprehensive to tell you. âItâs never been that bad before.â
âNo,â he starts cautiously, âIt hasnât. Which makes me wonder, what transpired between you and Logan that destroyed my grandfatherâs tree?âÂ
You cringe at the mention of the tree. Heâs never going to let go of that. Even when you recreate it, heâs still going to hold it over your head. His teasing eases you out of the spiral you were heading down and you glance over at him. âYouâve been in my head for two days. Iâm sure both you and Jean already know.â
He smacks his lips together and shrugs, clasping his hands in front of himself. âSimply seeing if you wanted to discuss it, my dear.â
You vehemently shake your head and sit back down on your bed. âNo, I donât want to talk about him. I don't want to see him.â Charles gives you a look like he doesnât believe you and you hate it. You truly donât want to see Logan again. Just thinking about him makes you want to explode. He was a pig and you regret ever wasting your time on him.Â
Thereâs a shriveled part of your heart weeping somewhere, but you crush in your fist until it shuts the fuck up. âRight,â Charles nods. âI do believe itâs best for your recovery that we keep you two separated for a while.â He rolls past you and places a comforting hand on yours. âRest, youâll feel more like yourself soon.â
You nod and watch him leave. Exhaustion suddenly seems to drop its heavy weight on your shoulders. Two days being restrained by telepaths probably wasnât very restful. You lay across your comforter, rolling over and hoping when you wake up your heart will be healed.Â
Two weeks. Two pathetic, snot-filled, and disgusting weeks of sobbing over Logan. You felt like a sixteen-year-old again, crying over the boy that didnât like you back. It was awful, especially knowing that the entirety of the mansion knew what was wrong with you.Â
Your students would leave your class and you would lock your doors, hiding under your desk as you wept. Those with superhearing or telepathy would bake you cookies and leave gifts at your door. It was sweet, but honestly made you feel ten times worse. You felt like your sadness was a burden you were forcing everyone to carry.Â
Your mother would be so disappointed in you. Sheâd always told you that you mourn a relationship half the amount of time you were in it. Of course, hers never lasted more than a few weeks. And sheâd had more boyfriends than you could count on three hands.Â
Besides, you were allowed to wallow for a while. This was someone you were starting to fall for. To be so blind going into and leaving the relationship was awful. Having the rug ripped out from under you had been cruel and needless. Youâre resentful and grateful heâd been so horrifically honest with you. On one hand, if the relationship had just ended, youâd be pining after him. Wondering what youâd done to lose such an amazing guy.Â
But being faced with the brutal truth, knowing he was a piece of shit, it makes you hate yourself. You should have seen it. Should have known that he didnât want you like you wanted him. But there were never any signs. Youâd run it through your head a million times. Every interaction youâve ever had with him. None of it shows you where heâd been lying to you or using you. You canât even trust yourself anymore.Â
Thereâs a loud knock on your door and you sniffle, tossing another tissue in the trash as you go to answer it. âHello?â You croak. You can barely see, eyes puffy and so swollen your vision is blurry.Â
âHoly hell,â Ororo scoffs and shakes her head. She pushes into your room and slams the door shut before anyone can see how awful you look. To be fair, you keep yourself relatively put together during the day. But itâs after hours now, youâre allowed to be a mess.Â
âYou look like shit.âÂ
Neither of you are prepared as you begin to blubber. Your lips tremble and your voice shakes as you begin to sob. âI know,â you wail. âI hate it.â Ororoâs eyes widen in horror and she quickly pushes you into your desk chair, grabbing a box of tissues and shoving it in your hands.Â
âI feel,â you stutter, having to take in a few shuddering breaths before you can get the words out. âHe tore out my heart and ripped it up with his stupid fucking claws.â
âOkay, okay,â Ororo runs her hands over your arms, trying to soothe you. âI know, sh, itâs okay.â She groans, âStop crying,â she pleads under her breath.Â
âIâm trying!â You snap at her, running hands over your wet cheeks and trying to swallow down the rest of your tears.Â
âLook,â she steps back and shakes her head. She glances down at you, disgust poorly hidden on her face. Sheâs really fucking bad at comforting someone. âThis is awful, I canât take it anymore. You two keep dancing around each other and youâre putting everyone on edge. You wonât stop crying and he keeps going off,â she holds her hands up and shakes her head. âI just canât do it anymore.â
You frown, brows turning down in confusion. âWhat?â You didnât think Logan would be mad. You pictured him skipping through a field of daisies, happy to finally be rid of you. It only made you hate yourself more that you were still crying over it all.Â
âHeâs kind of losing it,â she seems reluctant to relent the information. âLook,â she kneels in front of you and snatches the tissue box from your hand. She tosses it to the side and forces you to meet her eyes. âHeâs in love with you. We all know it, Jeanâs confirmed it. He loves you, he needs you, heâs just terrified to admit it. Heâs afraid of what's going to happen if you two become real.â
Your eyes widen with the realization. She nods enthusiastically as you connect the pieces. You canât deny whatâs so plainly laid in front of you when she assures you that even Jean knows. Jean knowing means she just did a nosy dive into his head.Â
You can picture what could happen. With rom-com levels of nauseating romance, you run to find him. You tell him you donât care that heâs afraid. You donât care he pushed you away and you do love him. Heâs not going to lose you. Nothing can rip you apart. You ride off into the sunset on Scottâs bike blah blah blah.Â
This isnât a fucking romance. And youâre not going to cry over a man who's too much of a pussy to admit he has feelings. You like men who have emotional depth deeper than a teaspoon. âAre you fucking kidding me?"
Ororoâs face blanches and she slowly backs away from you as you stand. âNo,â she answers slowly, like sheâs not sure of herself now.Â
âThatâs what Iâve been crying over?â You feel upset for an entirely different reason. You never misread the signs. You never missed a hint that he didnât feel what you did. He did! He was just happier letting you doubt yourself and the love you held for him than admitting he felt something. You tear off the depression hoodie youâve been living in for the past two weeks. âYouâve got to be fucking kidding me!â
You donât know where youâre going. Normally, youâd run into a forest to let out a blast of energy. It drained you enough that you wouldnât have to feel anything. But with these cuffs on, you canât do anything.Â
You storm out of your room and stomp down the stairs, uncaring who you wake up. Youâve wasted so much time on Logan, you refuse to stay in your room and cry for another fucking night.Â
âI want to see her,â Logan growls. He tries to move around Charles, but he stops him with his mind, holding him in place while Jean disappears inside your room. Logan watches her go and glares at her retreating back as the door closes behind her.Â
Itâs been a day already, youâve never needed to be out for more than a few hours. He doesnât want to think that thereâs anything wrong with you, that he might have permanently broken something inside you.Â
That talk at the bar with Scott had been stupid. He would have said anything to get him to shut the fuck up and leave him alone. He didnât really mean what he said, he just wanted him to back off. And saying that your relationship wasnât anything was quicker than pouring out every thought heâs had of you.Â
It was easier lying than it was to admit just how much he wanted you. Just how far he would go for you. But then youâd overheard, and you brought it up. And thereâd been faith on your face. Like even you couldnât believe what he had said because you could see through the bullshit.Â
But all Logan had seen was a way out. This was an opportunity to finally get out of the suffocating clutches of something he didnât want to admit was love. He took the chance before he could think. Itâs what he was used to. Taking the easy way out, especially when it came to shit like emotions.Â
He hadnât thought you were going to explode, though. Because thatâs exactly what youâd done. By the time heâd caught up to you, youâd burned a crater into the ground and had destroyed Charlesâ stupid fucking tree.Â
Seeing you like that, laying there lifeless, it terrified him. He didnât want to live in a world that you werenât in. There was no fucking point. It was sobering, realizing that, and then realizing that he was the reason you were like that in the first place.Â
He didnât want to live without you and he certainly would never be able to come to terms with being the reason you were dead. But it didnât matter, whatever realizations he was coming to. Charles and Jean were completely blocking him from your room. They werenât even giving him a chance to look at you. And he was about five seconds away from ripping the old bastardâs head off and just barrelling inside.Â
He didnât care what they said, he needed to see that you were okay. âIâm afraid youâre not going to be able to see her for a very long time.â
âStay out of my head,â Logan growls, glaring down at the man. âWhat are you talking about?â He presses, finally processing the rest of his sentence.
Charles sighs and rolls away from him. Logan glares at his back but ultimately follows. âYou were the cause of this, yes?â Reluctantly, Logan nods, thereâs no point in hiding it. Heâs sure Charles already knows. âFor her own safety, the two of you will need to remain separated.â
That had been it. There was no arguing about it. No fighting Charles. It was for your safety that he stayed away from you. No matter how much he wanted to explain himself, he wouldnât risk another meltdown like that.Â
You didnât deserve to get hurt because of someone like him. He wouldnât be able to stand hurting you again.Â
But two weeks seemed like a lot. At a certain point, heâs sure youâre just avoiding him. He knows he canât blame you. Heâd been a fucking idiot. But that didnât make him any happier. If anything, he was getting more and more pissed off every day.Â
He had less patience for mistakes. Was lashing out at the kids more often and donât even get started on the petty fucking fights he was picking with Scott. How long did you fucking need before you talked to him again?
He knows youâre upset, your crying keeps everyone up at night. Something heâs sure youâd be mortified to learn about. Why wonât you let him comfort you? Why do you have to be so petulant, running around the corner every time you see him? Pointedly ignoring him when youâre in the same room together.Â
He could fix this, make this all better. But youâre just not letting him. He knows this is why he loves you. Itâs why he was so drawn to you. You seem like a bundle of nerves, constantly flitting around and keeping yourself small. It had been off-putting at first. And then heâd seen you training with Scott, kicking his ass more like. A switch had been flicked in his head.Â
He could finally see you for what you were. He finally realized that it was your abilities you were keeping small. You were a fucking spitfire and you didnât hesitate to tell him off, he loved it. Loved arguing with you just so he could see you get all pissed off.Â
But that stubborn attitude he loved was really biting him in the ass right now.Â
Thereâs a knock on his bedroom door and he doesnât even get to pretend itâs going to be you. He smells Jeanâs perfume and rolls his eyes. He puffs on his cigar and contemplates ignoring her.
âDonât be a jackass, open the damn door.âÂ
Fuckinâ telepaths. âWhat?â He snaps at her the second the door is open. Her face screws up when she smells the smoke from his cigar. He knows she wants to put it out, and can see it in the twitch of her fingers. He raises a brow, a silent challenge to try him. Heâs itching for another fight and she can feel it.Â
She lets out a sharp breath, choosing her battles wisely and backing off. Heâs almost disappointed. âWe need to talk. This whole thing between the two of you is ridiculous. Youâre a mess, sheâs a messâŠâ
Her voice trails off into nothing more than the annoying pitch of a fly. Logan canât be bothered to listen to her scold him. Heâs not a fucking kid, and maybe if you were acting like an adult, they wouldnât be having this problem.Â
A few doors down he can hear you shouting, then the door to your room slams open. He darts off his bed, opening his own door to see what youâre doing. He only sees the back of your head as you angrily stomp down the stairs.Â
Enough is fucking enough, he was finishing this now. He was sick of your side of the bed being empty and the stupid fucking glare on your face every time you saw him. He doesnât even bother saying anything to Jean as he leaves, just chases after you.Â
Jean watches him go with a perturbed look. She steps out of the room and glances down the hall. Ororo steps out of your room and walks towards her. âWell?â Jean probes.Â
Ororor shrugs, âSheâs over it.â Jean smiles but itâs quickly wiped off her face by Ororoâs expression. âNot in the way we wanted.
Jean clenches her eyes shut and takes in a deep breath. She needs you two to figure your shit out or sheâs never going to be able to get a good nightâs sleep again.
You find yourself in the gym. Itâs not your favorite place in the world, you donât usually get to train with the others. Youâre stuck with telepaths, mainly the ones who can shut your powers down if you get too out of control. That hasnât been a problem since you got the cuffs, but youâve been too sad to test them out.Â
Now you find yourself obliterating a punching bag. You wrap the energy around your fists and let it protect the thin skin as you pummel into the bag. You donât know what else to do. You canât have energy meltdowns anymore. You have to try and funnel it all out physically, but itâs not working. Nothing is.Â
âImagining itâs me?â You pause midswing. You glance over to the door just in time to see Logan stalking towards you. He unzips his jacket slowly. So slowly it almost seems provocative. He tugs it off and tosses it onto a nearby bench.Â
You scoff as you watch him. âDo you ever have a shirt on?â
He shrugs and moves towards the ring in the middle of the gym. His movements are lithe and fluid as he hops onto the ring, every bit a wild animal. You watch as the muscles in his torso ripple and force your eyes off of him. You try and focus your attention back on the bag, but all your earlier energy is gone. Your mind is completely wrapped around Logan.Â
Which youâre sure is exactly what he wants, or he wouldnât be staring at you so smugly as he leans against the ropes and waits for you to acknowledge him. You suck on your teeth, irritation blooming in sporadic bursts throughout your body that has you nearly shaking. Finally, you give in.Â
He smirks the second your eyes meet, âI can take it, sweetheart. A lot better than that little toy of yours can.â He nods towards the punching bag but the insinuation isnât lost on you. You and Logan had been very active in your relationship. You could barely go a day without tasting each other.Â
Youâve been pent up since the breakup. Youâd given in a few days ago, pulled out your old vibrator, and tried to bring even a semblance of joy back into your life. But nothing could compare to Logan.Â
His tongue darts out, wetting his lips as he waits for you to react. Heâs standing there, staring down at you with all the surety in the world that youâre going to fuck him. It makes you want to dig your nails in and rip him apart, bit by bit.Â
You can already picture it in your mind, using your abilities to pick him apart until heâs nothing but molecules dispersed through the air. Heâs lucky you have the cuffs on, without them youâre sure heâd already be dead.Â
You smirk and move towards the edge of the ring, your voice drops as you purr up at him, âYou wanna play, Logan?â
He grins and moves off the ropes, starting towards you as you make your way onto the ring. Youâre slightly less graceful than he was, but youâre too focused on wiping the smug look off his face to pay attention. âCome on kid,â he taunts, voice as low as it usually is when heâs fucking into you. âLetâs see what you got.â
Youâre not stupid enough to just outright swing at him. You feint to the right and bring your knee up into his ribs. He only needs one hand to wrap around your thigh and drag you forward. His other hand goes to your hip, tugging you closer until youâre practically grinding against each other. You grit your teeth and glare up at him.Â
âCome on, sweetheart, that canât be all you got for me.â Energy wraps around your head, blurring the air around you. You slam your temple against his, it provides enough of a distraction for you to yank your leg out of his grip. You throw your right fist into his ear, bouncing back with a grin as he shakes his head.Â
He practically growls as he reorients himself. You shrug and smirk, âWhat, donât tell me thatâs all you got, wolvie.â
âDonât fuckinâ call me that,â he grumbles. You open your mouth, prepared to taunt him again. But heâs lunging towards you and you just barely have enough time to dart out of his way. You know heâs going easy on you. He could have had you just then if he really wanted this.Â
But heâs dragging this out. Forcing you to spend as much time with him as you can. It only pisses you off further. You plant your foot on his back and kick him forward. He barely even stumbles and it only further confirms your suspicions. âStop fucking holding back,â you yell at him.Â
He turns around slowly. You almost expect there to be a sneer on his face, something angry. Instead, he looks fucking thrilled, like this is all just foreplay for him. He laughs, so low you can barely hear it, and his chest flexes as his claws come out.Â
âYou sure?â Itâs a taunt, a dare, he knows you arenât going to take the bait. Youâd be stupid to, you donât heal like he does. Once those things get in you, youâre screwed. But right now, youâre too pissed off to try and care.Â
You donât say anything, you just duck under his fist as he swings at you. You know he made it easy for you, giving you an opening to fall into. Heâs treating you like youâre something fragile. And maybe you are. One wrong move in this fight and you might not make it through the night. But anger is making you blind to logic.Â
Him playing fair just makes you want to play dirty. You use the opening he gives you, letting energy form around your fist and pulling back just enough to slam into his ribs. He coughs, doubling over as you hear bones crack under your hit. Heâll heal in seconds, you canât bring yourself to feel too bad for him.Â
Maybe if he ever took you seriously you might not be such a bitch. But he didnât think you were good enough to be honest with and he still was treating you like a plaything. In your opinion, he deserves whatever you give him and more. He doubles over and you swing your leg around, bringing it down across his face.Â
You hear a crack as your socked foot connects with his face, something crunches underneath you. And when your sole hits the mat again you see the blood leaking from his nose. You almost apologize. Almost, then you see the look on his face. His pupils are swallowing the hazel of his eyes, lips parted as he pants through his teeth. He looks fucking animalistic.Â
You have no warning as he pounces on you. His lips smother your own, moving over you with little to no grace. Thereâs nothing romantic or gentle about this. His fingers are digging so hard into your shirt, youâre sure you hear the seams rip. But you canât bring yourself to care.Â
One of your hands goes to his hair, tugging at the roots until heâs groaning into your mouth. You rake your nails up his back roughly. He cusses against your lips, hand traveling up to your chin so he can roughly jerk you back.Â
He stares down at you, a silent question on his face. Youâve barely nodded before heâs descending upon you again. Lips and teeth clash borderline painfully as he lowers you onto the mat. Youâre missing all the usual love and tenderness he treats you with, but you donât care.Â
You want to be rough. You want to hurt him like he hurt you, make him ache for you the way you do him. You wrap your legs around his, lifting your pelvis until you have enough leverage to flip him. Your thighs straddle his waist and you grind down against the prominent bulge in his sweatpants.Â
He groans into your open mouth, large palms grabbing at your ass and spreading you so he can thrust between your clothed thighs. You canât help but moan at the friction. Itâs just enough to keep you on edge, he pulls back every time you think you might be close to something real building.Â
You rip your mouth off his. He glares up at you as you grab his hair and yank his head back. You slam his head hard enough into the mat for it to echo through the room and he growls against your grip. You grin down at him as you slowly get off him. You make a show of stripping, enjoying the way his eyes track your movements. He looks like a dog, panting and waiting for his treat.Â
Youâre tempted to get yourself off, making him watch, and then leave him straining against his sweatpants. But you need this bad, need him to scratch the itch you canât reach so you can finally get him out of your head. Neither of you are patient as he jerks his sweatpants down just enough for his cock to pop out.Â
Itâs already leaking from the tip like a faucet. You kneel, straddling his waist again. You donât have to do much to slick him up. You pump him a few times before heâs gripping your wrist and jerking your hand away. âGet up here,â he commands, voice rough as he grips your hips. You donât even get a chance to protest before heâs flipping you over.Â
He grabs your thighs and wraps them around his waist. Your ass is off the ground, hovering above his lap as he lines up with your slit. You moan when the tip rubs against your clit. âWhose teasing now?â You grit out, glaring at him.Â
His lips curl up, that insufferable smirk on his face before he slams into you. The attitude is practically fucked out of you as he starts pumping in and out. You groan, raking your hands down his chest. He fucking moans at the pain, blood blooming under your nails and immediately closing the further down you go.Â
Neither of you are giving up this fight, you donât want to lose, not even while youâre fucking. He pulls out of you and flips you over so fast you donât even have time to whine. Heâs back in you before you can blink, hips slapping into you in a way that you know is going to leave bruises tomorrow. Youâre not going to be able to sit for a week and he knows it. His hands are groping at the skin of your ass, pulling you apart and watching the skin ripple as he fucks into you.Â
Youâre not going to last long. Youâve been too desperate, too pent up while youâve been pissed off at him. He leans over you, draping himself across you lazily. You groan at the added weight, it only adds to the sensation, only makes you want him deeper inside you. âThought you didnât want me anymore, sweetheart.â He whispers in your ear and you flutter around him as his hand snakes around your waist, rubbing tight circles on your clit.Â
You open your mouth but all that comes out is disjointed moans. You know thereâs something sarcastic in there, and he must know too because he laughs at your pathetic mumbled sentence. âI donât know,â he leans back and watches as he makes room for himself inside you. âSeem to need me real bad now.â
Your nails dig into the mat, energy leaking through your fingertips and warming up the canvas beneath you. You can feel it fluctuating, fighting against the cuffs the closer he brings you to the edge. âFuck you,â the words escape you at a particularly deep thrust and you struggle to keep your eyes open.Â
He pauses and you nearly cry at the loss of movement. âSorry, couldnât hear you. Whatâd you say? Stop?â
You glare over your shoulder at him âDonât you fucking dare, Logan.â You let your power push up against his back, forcing his hips to move again. He chuckles at the move, fingers creating figure eights on your nub.Â
âWouldnât dream of it, sweetheart,â he protests, voice innocent. âAh, fuck,â his voice is nothing more than low grunts and groans in your ear the closer the both of you get to your release. You canât speak anymore, canât think. You can feel it cresting higher and higher inside you.Â
Your abilities are rising with your release. Theyâre pushing against the cuffs, fighting desperately against the control the foreign metal has on your powers. You can feel it, heat building up under your skin, like a tingling on the tip of your tongue that you just canât reach. Itâs Loganâs release that finally tips you over the edge.Â
The way his breath catches and his hips stutter in their perfect rhythm as warmth floods you from the inside out. You can feel it, him, dribbling down your thighs and staining the mat beneath you. It has you clenching around him, pushing your hips back weakly while you let the feeling overwhelm you. You nearly black out. Two weeks without him hadnât felt long until you remembered what you were missing.Â
You lose your sense of time, dropping to the mat like your bones have gone liquid, dripping out of you. You can feel Logan draped over you still, his weight a comforting blanket that nearly has you drifting to sleep. Naked, in the middle of the boxing ring. He pulls out of you and you whimper at the loss.Â
He shushes you, rubbing a hand up your spine and pressing a gentle kiss to the side of your temple. He wraps his arms around you, laying down and pulling you back into his chest. It takes a few minutes of quiet cuddling for you to remember what exactly led you down to the gym in the first place.Â
You feel disgusted with yourself for giving in to him so easily. Itâs clear what his plan had been. And youâd fallen for it hook, line, and sinker. Youâd barely even fought against him. Of course, you could reason that you needed to get the tension out. This was the perfect way to funnel out your built-up energy.Â
But youâre disgusted with yourself for giving in to him so easily. You just disregarded dignity and self-respect for a chance to get him between your legs. You were such a fucking idiot. No wonder this is all he wanted you for.Â
âShit,â you mutter, trying to pull yourself out of his grip. Your eyes widen as his arms tighten around your waist. He tugs you back down until heâs got you in what essentially feels like a headlock. He could easily pass it off as spooning, but it feels a little more demanding than that. âLogan,â you warn, the silent peace of the moment officially shattered.Â
âDonât,â he gripes. You can fight against him for as long as you want, but youâll only tire yourself out. His arms are literally metal bands around you. âLet me talk and then you can run off.â You huff and wait, but he never speaks. Finally, you look over your shoulder and glare at him. âWell?â
You roll your eyes, âFuckâs sake,â you mutter. âAlright, speak.â
You can feel his grin against the back of your head. If he didnât have you in such a tight grip, youâd elbow him in the gut just to be petty. âI made a mistake,â you scoff and he keeps going. Stopping you from interrupting him with something bitchy. âYou werenât just something convenient to me, sweetheart.â he pauses and chuckles, âYouâre a huge fucking pain in my ass.â
âIs this your idea of an apology?â You snap, âBecause this is pathetic.âÂ
He doesnât say anything and youâre tempted to snark at him again. But then the world is flipped on its side as he jerks you around and forces you to face him. Your chests rub together, the sweaty skin sticking together and bordering on uncomfortable. âYou ever shut up?â He asks, but thereâs no heat to the words. If anything he looks fond of you, and it makes you shift around, trying not to look him in the eye. But thereâs nowhere for you to hide, youâre both naked and bare before each other.Â
Youâre as physically vulnerable as he must feel emotionally. And as much as this is a horrible way to display how heâs feeling, youâre starting to understand him a little better. You know why this conversation is so hard for him, why he canât accept that someone truly loves him and he loves her back.Â
But thatâs not going to get him out of it. Heâs still yet to say the words. Maybe if he manned up and said something real youâd consider forgiving him. You give him an expectant look and he sighs, forehead pressed against yours as he slumps over you. You want to pretend youâre annoyed at the contact, but youâve been craving it since you ran away two weeks ago.
Youâve been desperate for this warmth that only he can provide you. Without realizing it, you nuzzle further into his chest, hands drifting up to wrap around his bare waist. Logan feels the tightness in him ease slightly at the way you curl into him. Heâs got a shot, even if you try and tell him he doesnât. Â
Itâs silent for a while, while you linger in the emotions of what just happened and he tries to find the right words. He leans down, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear and smiling against the shell of your ear. âI love you,â he whispers.Â
Youâd told yourself youâd only consider forgiving him if he said those words. But thatâs only because youâd never thought he would actually say it. You didnât think he was capable of admitting that to himself. It seems so out of character for him. But, maybe, you donât know him as well as you thought you did.Â
He pulls back, hand landing on your jaw and gently guiding your head out of his neck. He gives you an expectant look but youâre finding it hard to meet his eyes. Youâve been waiting for him to say that, but now it feels like you canât. Youâre still struggling to forgive him. He put you through so much unnecessary hurt just because he couldnât face his own feelings.Â
And now youâre struggling to do the same. âI want to say it back,â you tell him. âBut how am I supposed to trust that the next time things get hard, you wonât lash out again?â
He frowns, an irritated huff of breath shooting out his nose. But you know itâs frustration towards himself. For letting you both get to this point because he couldnât just say three words. âIâll wait,â he promises. âFor as long as it takes, Iâll wait.âÂ
You smile and nod, wrapping your arms around him and burying your face in his neck. Youâre sure youâll be saying it sooner rather than later. But whatâs the harm in making him squirm a little? He deserves it.Â
A/N: I donât write smut, itâs literally in my rules. I think I stared at a gif of him for too long and some horny ass demon possessed me and made me write this. Forgive me, universe, Iâm no better than a man.
end. â I do not own the characters or the comics/movies Wolverine/X-Men, but this writing is my own all rights reserved © not-neverland06 2024. do not copy, repost, translate & recommend elsewhere.
#Wolverine x reader#wolverine x you#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett#logan howlett x you#x men#deadpool and wolverine#wolverine#smut#ohmygod#i canât believe i wrote this#Someone sedate me#im just a girl#i cant be blamed LOOK AT HIM#he's actually older than every adult man in my life#can you tell i need therapy
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It's about who.
#like hozier said:#if someone asked me at the end I'd tell them âput me back in itâ#darling I would do it again if I could hold you for a minute#darling I'd go through it again#I would still be surprised I could find you darling#in any life#hozier wrote francesca for lokius#I have unintentional manifestation skills apparently so I had to put them to use before the finale drops#needed lokius nation to get a kiss no matter what#why was the hardest part about this piece drawing the spaghettification#almost gave up on it because of it#loki#loki series#loki season 2#lokius#lokius fanart#loki fanart#loki mobius#mobius loki#loki laufeyson#my art#digital art#fanart#illustration
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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this is the iconic dinosaur horror jurassic park wishes it was
#so there's this person on twitter who is like an infamous drama starter and got a whole forum shut down once#and they wrote this (different) book that's one of the greatest so bad it's good things i've ever read#a few great things that happen in that:#characters get in a car crash and flee on foot. later it's casually mentioned one character had both her legs amputated 'due to fractures'#the character pretending to be american by wearing maga hats that have spy gear built into them#the spy gear in question is an alarm that blares if someone lies in their vicinity#'stuff protocol ' said the queen. 'i'm getting hammered tonight'#the chapter where the prime minister is trying to watch the news so she keeps wandering into bars and tv shops and getting kicked out#the dragon that's casually described as 'about the size of 1000 elephants'#the dragon that's a 'dog dragon hybrid with a chihuahua body and a giant dragon head'#the dragon that's owner punched it in the face and only lets people approach if they 'do the iconic royal wave'#the characters being described as 'the short one' 'the guy with the beard' etc#but there being a lengthy detailed description of the characters in harry potter#'apparently a dragon had burnt essex to cinders in a matter of minutes'#anyways i found out they also wrote (a political parody of indiana jones???) for this book of kids short stories years ago#and you know. we needed to know#so it took me like 4 months to track this precious lost media down#which was very worth it because it turns out it's full of many other iconic gems like CELLAR HELL by Elizabeth Elgie (12)
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when the rulers all showed up in the plot figured itd be fun to sketch portraits!
and then had to add my thoughts on them
#neopets#neoart#neotag#my art#king altador#queen fyora#queen amira#queen nabile#king jazan#Lord Darigan#King Skarl#King Hagan#King Roo#needing to physicaly restrain myself from writing more about Altador lolol#also i feel bad that ppl may have assumed I dislike Fyora#I like all of the neopets characters. and i love when they have flaws that make for a good story#skarl included#i completely forgot about roo island tho until this plot ahdhjf im sorry roo#the darigan/roo aesthetic is so good i love that someone wrote a whole fic on here but now i cant find it :.0
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One thing New Who doesn't really have that Old Who did was the thing where everyone (audience included) thinks the Doctor is this amazing genius from space with the best spaceship of all time, and then someone else from Gallilfrey shows up and goes "Oh, it's you. Did you get expelled from our university or did you just fail your degree? Is THAT what you're driving around the universe in? How does that thing even still work? And why are you dressed like that?"
#Suddenly Recontextualised Protagonist my beloved!#this is why romana's first scene is the best companion intro. (before she met him she was even willing to be impressed!)#and humans insulting the FUCKING TIME MACHINE doesn't hit at all the same. it seems kind of odd mostly? its a fucking time machine!#and we don't know any better!!! you need someone who has their own TARDIS for the real sick burns there.#oh no i just realised approx 82% of my fave Doctor pairings are them with people who are on some level just not that impressed#that explains why i wrote so much Ten/Donna doesn't it? :O#dw
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short asl thing based on @where-does-the-heart-lie's modern au :) i started this over a year ago but the beginning is all dialogue and felt more like a script to me i suppose??? which deflated my desire to work on it. anyway i checked it over recently and it's completely fine lmfao, self-confidence restored here we go !
-
"Yo. Aren't you usually in the middle of your shift by now?"
"I've been banned from the hospital."
"Like, for life?"
"No. For the next, uh.. Twenty-two hours."
"That's oddly specific."
"It was twenty-four, but I fell asleep after leaving the building."
"That wouldn't have to do with why they kicked you out, at all?"
"Hmmm. I'm too sleep-deprived, apparently."
"Ah. And, um, you called me because...?"
"I pressed a random number in my call log after waking up. Lucky you, I guess."
"Yeah. Right. Lucky me. And your car keys are...?"
"Confiscated."
"Ah, right, of course."
A beat of silence. Two. Three, then "Look, if you're busy, thenâ"
"No, no. You called me, so I'll be there. Give me twenty minutes."
"Alright. Thankâ"
"Thank someone else. Also, if you fall asleep in my car, I'm taking it as express permission to drive you around wherever I want."
"Ugh, go die. I don't even know why I bothered."
"LUCKY YOU, I guess," sounds off way too loudly in his ear. "No take backs. See you in ten."
"I thought you saidâ" Sabo breaks off as the call ends, leaving him staring blankly at his phone's too-dim screen. He squints, turns the brightness all the way up, and still squints as the sunlight proves too strong for the display.
Ace shows up in more than ten but decidedly less than twenty minutes. Sabo doesn't waste much brain power on it, only climbing into the passenger seat and yawning into his palm while his other hand fixes the seatbelt into the buckle. Not a second too soon, too, as Ace roars the engine to life and peels away from the curb at record speed.
Ace fiddles with the radio. He turns the music up, then dial it back down to inaudible. They hit the expressway and he leans over the steering wheel, frowning with his eyes fixed on the road far ahead. Sabo yawns again and this appears to be the limit to his patience.Â
"Hey, so, I had a thought after you hung up on me."
Sabo grimaces. "You mean youâ"
"Today's Wednesday."
He doesn't elaborate. Sabo is too tired to process. "Yes," he follows, after a second. He glances at the sky out the front window. "What time is it?"
"Oh, uh." Ace fumbles with hand placement so he can lift his watch to his face. "Nine forty."
Sabo takes a couple beats to try and process this, moves his eyes away from the skyline, and sighs as he pulls his phone out. 2:47 is what the display reads, which sounds much more believable.
"How did the minute hand get off?" he mutters to himself, chancing a look at Ace's busted wristwatch. Ace raises a brow, taking his gaze off the road to scrutinize Sabo. "No, it doesn't matter," he mutters to himself once more, sliding his phone away back on his person and out of his hands.
"My point is," Ace continues, like he hasn't just been interrupted by a whole thing. "Your timeout will be done midday Thursday. Did they switch your days off?"
"No." Sabo sighs. "They technically gave me the next thirty-six hours. Technically closer to forty. Something like that. I go back in on Friday. Sometime.â He tries to smile and it turns out very lopsided, from that he can make out in the rearview mirror. âCan you tell Iâm tired?â
âI donât think âtiredâ is an accurate description,â Ace quips. âWhen did you eat a proper meal last?â
âUh, yesterday. Maybe.â
âMaybe??â
âA âproper mealâ means different things to the two of us,â Sabo huffs. âOn my account it was yesterday. Iâve had food since then, of course.â
âAlright, so hereâs the plan,â Ace announces before absolutely whipping it around a curve. Sabo is his passenger in the passenger seat and had fully prepared to be so when he got in the vehicle, but heâd been vastly underprepared for this sudden course of action, which is how he ends up halfway out of his seat with his cheek slammed into the cold window. Ace doesnât quite notice his brotherâs terminal velocity until the car is once again on the straight and narrow, and only then itâs because of the audible thunk Saboâs face makes when it collides with the glass.
âAw shit. You good bro?â
âOw,â Sabo mutters. âIf I have broken bones Iâm suing your ass.â
âWell, if youâre good enough to make jokes, I think youâre better than youâre letting on.â Ace keeps the wheel steady with one knee while he takes both hands away to crack his fingers. When he glances over at Sabo again, he looks even more pathetic â like heâs becoming one with the glass. âAnyway, as I was saying.
âIâm taking your ass home. Youâre going straight to sleep and while you crash, Iâll make you something decent to eat and stick it in the fridge for you to heat up later. Iâll even make you two servings to eat two different times, since you clearly canât be trusted to take care of yourself correctly.â
âOuch.â
âI want you to conk out for as long as your body allows. We can reset your sleep schedule tomorrow, alright? Put your phone on silent; do not answer any calls. In fact, you know what, just give it to me.
Sabo glances over to see Aceâs hand held out to him, palm up. Fingers wiggling expectantly. His lips pull up into a grimace. âIâm not doing that.â
âFine.â Ace takes his hand back. âBut you will comply with everything else.ïżœïżœïżœ
âWow! Itâs so funny, I didnât realize you turned into my mother overnight! Really tapped into your mom potential, huh? Anything exciting happen in your life that would cause that? I guess I wouldnât know, since Iâve been a zombie for the past two days.â
âThereâs nothing wrong with acting like your older brother, you dipshit, especially if you keep putting yourself through the wringer like this. You go home. You sleep. You wake up and eat. You go back to sleep. Then we do laundry. Does that sound agreeable?â
âThatâs negotiable, at the least,â Sabo mumbles. âI will accept good food as a form of bribery.â
âOh, nice, because Iâm flat broke at the moment.â
Sabo makes a mental note of that, and then theyâre pulling into the driveway. Ace lets him exit the vehicle by himself and then promptly manhandles him all the way onto the couch where it will be easier to force his body to relax than in a real bed. Ace knows this, so he calls him weird before chucking a loose blanket at his head. Sabo is almost too tired to function at this point, so he lets Ace have the last laugh in favor of finally closing his eyes.
Coming to is a surreal experience, especially since the sun is still out. He must make a noise because Ace is suddenly within view. His limbs are tangled in the blanket and still so heavy that he doesnât bother moving. âThought you would be gone,â he half-groans, eyes slipping shut again for a moment.
âI did leave,â Ace confirms. âI had to go pilfer some stuff to make stew with. Itâs almost done, so Iâll hang here until then.â
Pilfer. That could mean any number of things. Sabo chooses to believe in the option where Ace is an upstanding citizen, and then remembers Ace saying earlier that he had no money. He frowns and squirms on the cushions enough to where it looks like heâs checking his pockets. âWhereâs my wallet, Ace?â he bluffs.
âSomewhere around here,â Ace pipes up. âYour stomach will thank you for your contributions to the Portgas Householdâs pantry!â
âUgh, I got robbed,â he complains. âThis sucks. âm going back to sleep.â He rolls over so his back is to Ace.
âYeah, you do you, bro. Stew will still be here later. Iâll see you when youâre back in the world of the living.â
â
Luffy comes in late that night and slams the front door shut as loud as humanly possible. When he appears in the main room, he doesnât seem to be upset, so Ace writes it off as a Luffyism. Sabo hasnât stirred at the noise, so itâs all good.
Realizing this, Luffy pads closer to Aceâs side and looks at Saboâs unmoving body warily. âWhy is Sabo passed out like a corpse? Is he sick?â
âNo, heâs not sick, he just canât take care of himself. Which is why we are going to let him sleep for as long as possible.â
Luffy just nods to this, but itâs the uncomprehending Luffy-nod that means heâs just going to end up doing whatever he wants to regardless. Ace sighs, then jerks his head towards the kitchen. âHe ate a little earlier, but I want him to eat again when he wakes up. Thereâs stew in the fridge if you want it â just leave him a little. Got it, Monkey D. Luffy?â
Luffy throws him a salute and then runs off in his socks. âYippee! Ace made stew!â
âThink of your brother, Luffy, and make good choices!â Ace calls after him. âHeâs a pathetic man who needs food to feel better or heâll end up sleeping through Laundry Day!â
â
Sabo does not sleep through laundry day, but he does sleep for sixteen whole hours, so itâs just around noon when he forces himself up off the couch and into a warm shower.
Ace is around, which is mildly unexpected. But heâs still half-asleep, so everything is at least a little unexpected. He glances up from playing video games with Luffy to see Sabo leaving the steam-filled bathroom with his hair hanging around his shoulders. âYou look like a wet cat,â he calls.
âSaboâs awake!â Luffy cheers. âAce thought you died at one point.â
Ace elbows Luffy in the gut, making him hunch over. âI did not!â
âHe totally checked to see if your heart was still beating!â
âIâm undead, actually,â Sabo says completely seriously.
âDoes that mean you donât need to eat anymore?â Luffy questions. âBecause I ate all the stew last night.â
âI saw that coming and made extra.â Ace finger-guns in Saboâs general direction. âThatâs why I bought two sets of ingredients. With your money!â
âWith my money,â Sabo echoes, because itâs such a wild statement to have to deal with this early in the day. Well, early for him. âFuck you.â
âI mean, I can tell Luffy where I hidââ
âThank you, Ace, for agreeing to share your quarters with both of your brothers so we can all do laundry today on your dime!â Sabo raises his pitch so his voice is mockingly squeaky when he says this. He starts moving down the hall before Ace can start to argue, letting his and Luffyâs voices bleed into the background.
When he comes back out, now dressed, it smells significantly better than before. âI reheated the stew,â Ace announces, gesturing for Sabo to take a seat at the kitchen counter. âLetâs all have lunch before we head out.â
âYou have to drink this too,â Luffy tells Sabo, sliding a Gatorade across the counter so it sets in front of him when he finally does take a seat. âAceâs orders.â
âGotta get those nutrients back somehow.â
âArenât we so considerate, Sabo?â
âDo you even know what âconsiderateâ means?â Sabo asks, lips quirking up into a half-smile. At Luffyâs shrug, it turns into a real smile. âWell, thanks anyway. Both of you.â
âNo sweat. And look!â Ace brandishes a five dollar bill for both to see. âI found this baby for us to use on coins! Itâs all on me todayââ
âWhereâs my wallet, Ace?!â
#writing#op#whery if i realized anything while doing this its that we need 2 get you a custom theme....#1) anyone whos not logged in will be able to see all your posts w/ no limits#2) (and the more important COUGHCOUGH) it'll be so much easier to find shit on your blog#if you want a cool blog layout lmk and i'll hook you up but for now#there are many benefits to a custom tumblr url........ being able to search /tagged for better blog organization is one of them#if there's a switch to writing style i wrote the first half of this in april 2023 so thats why!!#also lmao i jus spent the weekend w/ my brother so if its too mean-spirited thats unintentional n i'm prolly channeling is all#sighhhhhhh i love when they look after each other its so very very good#wittb has been great but i do wanna see them get up to other shenanigans later#after the comic (plot) at large i mean#little one-off side things still in the modern au#enjoy the rest of artfight month for now tho!!!#(< says someone who has been putting off af attacks to write things again)
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uhh anyway
#cutesy nurse adam for your soul#i need to get this outta my system#adam stanheight#saw#saw fanart#myart#made this bc someone finally wrote a fanfic for this fella⊠and i cant get him outta my mind
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the way this website treats disabled people is actually horrendous
#yes even the ''progressive'' types always love to imply that literal symptoms of disability#means someone is lazy or that its a moral failing or that they should simply just stop#and the sheer NUMBER of autistic people shitting on other autistic people with higher support needs than them#or who ''act'' more autistic or just have more unpalatable inconvenient or annoying symptoms than them#that cannot be treated like just a quirky trait that makes them more interesting or cute or whatever#i think i wrote like. 2 posts on that where its more coherent than here idk#''this is the autism website'' no. i don't think i feel very welcome here.#mine#yomipost#ableism#actually autistic#i guess other people can add on if they want cause im not gonna be able to articulate much else than that
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Sunday - Love Hypnosis
Sunday hypnotises you (consensually) to relax you.
No spoilers.
No description of reader or readers troubles so project what you are personally struggling with as you see fit.
No angst just fluff. I thought this concept would be cute. I've seen many a yandere Sunday hypnotises you, and that's great but consider - consent and fluff.
(This isn't a jab, I too enjoy a yandere fic from time to time but I also want to see fluff and I haven't seen this done in a fluffy way yet.)
I don't know why I'm mildly obsessed with this man but I am. (Cough Cough, I read maximum ride as a kid and now I automatically fall in love with winged characters. Cough Cough.) I need him to hypnotise me please and thank you.
(I have a few fics in the works that I need to finish but I'm struggling.)
As usual enjoy. Love ya đ
"Darling?" Came the light and airy tone of your beloved. Though there was a hint of worry in his voice as he took in your face down, slumped form. "Are you alright?"
He could tell very well that you were not alright. But he would coax an answer out of you one way or another. Though the only answer he received was a groan.
"Darling." He sighs but chuckles at your obviously aggravated self. "Allow me to help you."Â
Your body goes limp as you let him move you from a sofa to your shared bed. "My darling. Tell me what's gotten into you."
He chuckles as you groan out a single word relating to your issues. "Life."
"Oh, my darling. You'll let me soothe you for the night won't you?" He only felt it was right after the many nights you had soothed him.Â
Patient, kind, understanding. Three words that when asked by others what you think about each other, you'd both say about each other. A pure give and take without a scoreboard, that's how you operated. You were both busy or stressed for one reason or another so that's how things had to be.
The simple love you shared was enough most days but sometimes things went wrong.
Sunday had performed hypnosis on you before so he knew it worked but he'd never engage unless you agreed. You knew the question he asked meant he wanted to soothe you via hypnosis, and with the state of your mind you would happily agree.Â
"Please do."Â
He wouldn't offer if he didn't have the energy you knew this, a rather large argument took care of that when he'd overworked himself then passed out after hypnotising you once and a medic had to be rushed in. Needless to say, you weren't happy with his carelessness. And seeing how upset you were he agreed to be more careful with his health.
You didn't want to think anymore so as you lay there looking up at him with your tired eyes and weary mind, he smiles. He caresses your face and hair before taking a deep breath and reciting that familiar chant.
"Oh triple faced soul, allow me to take hold of this one's mind and soothe them of all worries and burdens. The word Beloved will be the catalyst for control."
With that simple incantation your mind belonged to Sunday for a short while. Your mind felt fuzzy and slow but not unpleasantly, the way it would when you achieved complete relaxation.Â
Like he had done before, he would take you through your nightly routine with this hypnosis.
"Beloved, follow me to to the bathroom." He helped you up while your body automatically followed his words and stood up.Â
Walking was about the most complex task you could complete, he wasn't Xipe Themself, so his power only went so far.Â
"Beloved, lift your arms."Â
You do as told and he aids in stripping you, ready to be cleaned.Â
"Beloved, sit on this stool and close your eyes."Â
You again do as told his voice muffled through the layers of hypnosis, but soothing nonetheless. "I am going to wash your face first darling." He always narrates what he does before doing it as not to startle you.
You felt a cool, wet, cloth glide over your face and you can't help but sigh with satisfaction. You feel it gently caress your cheeks and softly rub your eyes tickle behind your ears. You hear the cloth being rinsed and wrung, the muffled sounds of the water soothing you further.
"I am going to wash your upper body now darling." And, as before, you feel the damp cloth glide over your neck and upper body, letting him move you has he sees fit. Soft humming coming from him lulls you deeper into his hypnosis. The cloth glides down and caresses your chest before moving to wash your back. You'd make sounds of relaxed satisfaction if you could but your exhausted body coupled with the hypnosis has made your brain devoid of any thought or control. Just how you want it.Â
He moves back to the front of you with a new cloth. "Beloved, spread your legs, I need to clean you."Â
Your body complies without hesitation and that's what he does, making sure to be extra gentle around this sensitive area. He is thorough but doesn't linger long this time, not wanting to spark anything in you this evening.
Standing to switch the cloth again, "I'm going to wash your legs and feet now darling." Still being as gentle as ever his hands and the cloth slowly makes their way down your legs massaging them as they go. A light massage is given to your feet as well before he finishes and pats you dry with a towel before he deems your body clean.
"Beloved, open your mouth wide."Â
He orders next, your mind too fuzzy to think of what else could be doing. You hear more water then feel a hand on your chin. "I'm going to brush your teeth darling." Then light scrubbing of your teeth and tongue can be felt, he is thorough with this area too. Not wanting to be the reason you have cavities he takes his time. Not too long later he finishes with you. You can hear things being put away and muffled sounds of him walking around you, maybe inspecting you. Before he stops in front and,Â
"Beloved, open your eyes and stand up. Its time to go to bed."
You're led back into the bedroom now that he is satisfied that you are clean. "Beloved, are you ready to sleep?"Â
Compelled to answer, you do. "yes"
"Beloved, do you want to sleep with me?"
"Yes"
"Good, let's get to sleep then shall we."Â
The sounds of fabric and draws is all you hear for a moment before he guides you into bed with him.Â
"Beloved, lay down."Â
When he's satisfied you are comfortable You feel his soft skin against yours, the wings on his head lightly brushing your face in reverence before he pulls them back. It isn't often he blesses you with his naked body, the vulnerability gets to him at times.Â
Once you've laid down and he's pulled you close he asked one more question.
"Beloved, are you ready to be released from hypnosis?"
"Yes"
As the words leave your lips he begins the incantation to remove his influence on your mind.Â
"Oh triple faced soul, this one has completed this ones tasks and can now be freed from the shackles of my control with no burden."
Everything goes still as your senses return slowly, reacclimating you to reality. A few minutes pass of him softly stroking your head and neck while you come back to him.
"Thank you Sunday" a soft whisper conveying how grateful you are before you promptly pass out the exhaustion and relaxation hitting you full force as you melt into the bed and his arms.
"Oh my beloved, I'd do anything to see you happy and relaxed like this more often. I am grateful for all you do for me so it's only natural. I love you, so much my beloved."
He whispers to your sleeping self, pressing small kisses to your forehead, cheeks and nose. Watching the small twitches at the contact makes his evening and he feels like he too can finally relax.
#hsr x reader#hsr sunday#hsr sunday x reader#sunday x reader#honkai star rail x reader#i needed fluffy hypnosis so i wrote it myself yay#i headcanon him as someone who would excessively use pet names because he finds them cute#and a sense of ownership but shush#but hes really just a tired dude whose life is spiralling out of control and i just want to hug him and stroke his wings#maybe reverse comfort for him next#i have a Neuvillette amd a clive rosfield fic in the works#i want to write for Aventurine but im a bit scared#also ratio#i love him more than i did when he was introduced thanks 2.1#anyway excited for patch 2.2 Sunday. wanna see him go even crazier but also see him nice and relaxed you know?#the duality of man#this isnt my best work ever but im happy ish with it and just want to get it out.#if you do have constructive criticism thats fine please and thank you#they could never make me hate you sunday#i love him even more after 2.2
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The boy patting tournament has taken a competitive turn
[First] Prev <â-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#wen ning#Our beautiful baby boy finally returns. Only to be told to get the hell out of here and move over cause its [lwj's] turn for pats#Literally that cuckhold comic. Will Wen Ning ever be able to catch a break?#He got nailed but only in the literal sense. Come ON.#In LWJ's defense - if you wrote a love song for a man only for him to play it for someone else...yeah you'd be defensive#Wen Ning deserves to have a love song dedicated to him. Not a secondhand one.#I didn't forget about LWJ's new outfit btw he just stripped down a bit.#As one does when they are afflicted with Clingy and in need of Affection#He makes the minecraft door opening sound when he enters the room. Just wanted to throw that detail out there.
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so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.
this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.
somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.
i used betterhelp.
i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.
the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.
they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.
the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.
i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."
i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.
the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.
i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.
in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.
the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.
betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.
i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.
there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.
in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.
i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.
#writeblr#the book....#coming soon#hey so if ur someone who has ever said âyou need to write a bookâ#i wrote the book#it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written#this is maybe too honest lol#okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may
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Wriothesley as an extension of the Fortress itself
a living, breathing part of its organism, his heart beating in tandem with its machinery. that deep hum that's always present in his mind and lulls him to sleep at night is Meropide's ancient power coursing through his veins and he doesn't even know it, let alone understand it
he was a blank slate when he arrived, a non-person by his own choice, and so the Fortress claimed him as her own
sometimes he seems to know exactly what is happening five floors below, and inmates joke that it's some sort of magic, but they know that the Duke is simply well-informed and uses the in-built security system to keep on top of things... surely that's all there is to it
a young Wriothesley was once pursued by a handful of other inmates who wanted to kill him for a perceived slight. he ducked into the shadowed hallways of the lower levels, took turn after turn, and eventually made his way to a safe room where he could hide for the night. the next day, he learned that the other inmates never made it to their morning shifts
his footing is always sure on the walkways, he never loses his way, and he can always tell when there's something up with the machinery at first glance
sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night with the taste of copper in his mouth, and he mistakes it for a memory of blood... but every time, he gets up and he finds that something has happened that requires his attention - usually the violent kind
he doesn't think there's anything special to it all, but Sigewinne sees. Sigewinne knows. she'll cross that bridge in a few decades, when Wriothesley realizes that he's stopped aging
#genshin#wriothesley#what if i wrote a whole fic about eldritch wriothesley what then#neuvillette sees him for the first time since his trial and he realizes he's no longer looking at a human#but that's not necessarily a bad thing#maybe what meropide needs is someone who truly is part of her. someone who belongs#something something living haunted buildings something something part of the machine something something being loved by the incomprehensibl
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It's a time-honoured tradition- every time Sam comes across Izzy (and Ed) in their travels, he asks Izzy to marry him. And every time, Izzy turns him down.
At this point, Sam is asking more for the sake of it than any belief Izzy will ever say yes, a remnant of childhood dedication touched with 30 years of heartbreak and regret- though even now, a small part of him still holds out hope. Sam's promises have only got more extravagant over the years, from a job as his first mate, to a captaincy, a fleet at his command, a whole fucking island if that's what Izzy wants- but he knows it isn't though, not really. If Izzy was ever going to agree to marry him, to leave his life and go with Sam, it wouldn't be for anything Sam could offer him. Izzy never did care for flashy shows of wealth, for a ship or to be captain. The only thing that ever mattered to him was loyalty given, and loyalty shown in return.Â
It all comes to a head after Stede left and came back, after Izzy lost a toe, lost his leg. Sam hasn't seen him since before things with Ed started to really slide off the rails, before stress permanently set into the lines of Izzyâs face. So, when he sees a dishevelled man with a hoof for a leg in a no-name port, he doesn't even consider the idea that he might know him. It's only when he turns towards him, and Sam catches a glance at those oh too familiar tattoos, he realises this is Izzy, his Izzy, that stands before him.
Knowing Izzy's discomfort with pity, he doesn't treat him any differently than he would in years gone by, positioning himself in Izzy's line of sight before approaching and sweeping him up into a bone crushing hug.Â
âIsrael-goddamn-Hands!â he exclaims, as Izzy grumbles back a begrudging âSamuel-fucking-Bellamyâ, a tradition almost as old as their friendship itself. Izzy might not hug him back, but he canât keep the corner of his mouth from twitching, just for a second.
(If Sam holds Izzy a little tighter and a little longer than usual, well. That's his business)
By the time Sam lets go, most of the crew has appeared in the town square, drawn in by the commotion. They may have given Izzy his leg and welcomed him as one of them, but still thereâs an underlying tension, with nobody quite ready to set aside everything that happened before the Kraken. Seeing him cosying up to an unknown man sets everyone on edge, unsure whether to come to their first mateâs aid, or to assume that they've been betrayed once again.
When Ed sees that the yelling was Sam, his hand goes tense where it's held in Stede's. He knows the routine, has seen it more times than he can count, but as he watches them part he realises that this is the first time in a long time he's unsure of what Izzy's response will be.
Knowing that somethingâs different, knowing that Izzy's feeling vulnerable already, Sam doesn't go for the same flashy proposal heâs been giving for years. He doesn't promise Izzy the world, he doesn't cause a scene (or, any more of a scene than he already has, anyway). He looks at the fractured man in front of him, takes his face in his hands, and says the exact same thing to him he said when they were little more than boys. âIsrael, I have to ask you. I know what you'll say, but I have to try. Come with me. Marry me and sail away with me. I'll keep you safeâ
And Izzy⊠hesitates. He glances over at Ed, at Stede, and says to Sam â...Weâre staying in port for a week. Ask me again thenâ
That's the moment Sam knows there is something deeply, horribly, wrong. He's not just looking at an Izzy who got seriously injured in a fight and is struggling to cope, this is something so much bigger than that- and that Ed has something to do with it. Izzy wouldn't even be considering leaving if he didn't. Whether it was negligence or something more sinister, Sam doesn't yet know, but he intends to find out.
#i feel like the little paragraph about the crew is real clunky and out of place but i wanted some kind of establishment of where those#dynamics are at. its important that the crew is something for izzy to consider in his decision; but also that their relationship isnt so#solid he would stay for them alone; yknow?#im sorta aiming for a s2e5 era but like. early in those themes. he cant be all sorted yet i need him to be struggling#anyway this is part of a much larger scenario in my head that im never ever doing anything with but i wrote THIS bit in a daze in like. jun#and i got thinking about it again and i think?? it holds its own as a 'hey think about THIS' snippet. idk you decide#youre welcome to interpret this as solo bellhands but in my head it Has morphed into sam/izzy/ed/stede#because i cant not put edizzy in things any more. izzy has two hands#i also think the comedy potential of one of your boyfriends HATING your other boyfriend is gold. 10/10 dynamic#stede is mostly along for the ride in this but also i think they need him#aaaaand. the sam/ed bracket i think can only be closed in exceptional circumstances. i think they 'hate' each other too much#...which is WHY someones getting kidnapped!!! yay#anyway its all irrelevant because ill never write it out. i can do silly chill things but thatll require work#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#israel hands#sam bellamy#bellhands#i wanna also say. the general concept of repeated sam proposals has been floating around my head forever#it used to be a more silly thing like i referenced at the start but. s2 gave me angsty feelings i guess#i cant not have izzy have feelings for ed right now which inherently adds layers to Any bellhands scenarios i think.#but yeah. its a Classic Bellhands vibe for me. sam seeing izzy at sea or on shore and asking him to marry him (again)#i like to do this with jackie too. i think i just want that man to be obnoxiously desired#(theres also layers of my personal hornigold era lore built into this but i hope it holds up without u knowing it. tldr. sam lost izzy by#being an idiot n fumbling the bag. thats what matters. izzy went with ed and sams been trying to fix it ever since)#i probably should have readmore'd this but i didnt think it was Quite long enough. or had a good break point. sorry <3
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I love the fact that the Silvermane Guards are essentially just a very devoted "We Love Gepard Landau" fanclub, and I desperately need for all of them to get into ship wars about it behind their Captain's back. The soldiers are all split into several factions:
Some of them ship him with Sampo đĄđŁ (enemies to lovers/hateship enjoyers; this does not necessarily mean they like Sampo- in fact it's more like most of them want to sic their Captain on him skzjsmdm)
Some of them ship him with Bronya đđĄ (knight and princess trope enjoyers and also a sorta-kinda "that is our mom and dad" type of deal; this faction gets riled up and ridiculously hypes Gepard up to Bronya every time she comes down to the frontlines mskdkxmd)
Some of them ship him with the trailblazer đĄđ« (the smallest and newest faction, but steadily gaining!)
Some of them ship him with Pela âđĄ (workplace romance enjoyers; Gepard once charged out into the Fragmentum alone to save Pela from an expedition gone horribly wrong, and when this faction saw Gepard carrying Pela back princess style they threw a whole party)
Some of them ship him with Dunn đĄđĄ (also workplace romance; Dunn is very flattered by this because yeah wrong Landau, but wow, the troops really think he's good enough to woo the Captain, what an honor)
And some of them ship themselves with the Captain đĄâ€ (yumejoshi enjoyers; this faction throws a massive group effort every Valentine's Day and are also all very supportive of each other)
The final faction is an odd one, because they're defined not by who they ship their beloved Captain Gepard with, but rather by who they don't ship him with. Their name is generally shortened to the A.B.S. Group- Anybody BUT Sampo đ«đŁ DKSZJJSMSOZ
#honkai star rail#gepard landau#hsr gepard#gepo#sampard#bronpard#gepela#gepdunn#sampo koski#bronya rand#pelageya sergeyevna#dunn#I'm so happy Hoyo gave us TWO knight and princess ships with bronseele and bronpard. two cakes!!#and I actually do love bronpard but I think it'd be hilarious if that faction dissolved the second they saw bronseele together nskzjskdk#same with the gepela faction and pelynx haha#every time Bronya comes down to the frontlines she tends to gravitate towards Gepard and the bronpard faction kicks into high gear skzjkske#they ask Gepard to show them proper form with a weapon or to tell some of his exploits. anything to make him look cool in front of Bronya.#'Madame Supreme Guardian we heard Captain Gepard took down a direwolf THIS big-' XD#I don't even ship Gepard and Dunn but I do think it's really sweet how Gepard talks about him-#-and how grateful he is that the trailblazer didn't seriously injure him during the main quest.#I think that if they had then Gepard would not be NEARLY as kind or forgiving of them. Dunn is one of his. he's protective of all of his me#the gepo/sampard and ABS group are the ones most at war with each other#every time Gepard gets the soldiers to split into teams it gets vicious XD#like I need some red vs blue shenanigans with the Guards you feel me. i need them to play capture the flag and get way too into it amsjmsks#pela has taken writing commissions for every ship under disguise- including gepela so she wouldn't seem suspicious#someone once claimed she wrote Pela way ooc and demanded a refund at the last second and Pela nearly strangled them HSKKZSNKSKD#hsr
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