#i need more time to digest

[accio-victuuri]

Xiao Zhan Portrait Magazine Interview 📝

🎤: xiao zhan, we actually filmed a cover back then in 2019, and then in interview video, we also filmed a five year video. the last sentence in that video is what do you expect xiao zhan to look like in the next five years. five years have passed now, i want to know what kind of person xiao zhan has become.

XZ: just now, during the filming process they showed me an interview from five years ago and then when i saw the ending — i think it's amazing. at that time five years felt like a long time, at that time i thought i didn't know where i would be in five years, and then what i will become. now five years have passed in the blink of an eye, i feel like something has changed but it also feel like nothing has changed. it seems like everything has undergone an subtle changes but in reality it seems that nothing has changed. it's a wonderful feeling. i can't use words nor statements such as "change" and "unchanged" and then describe it.

🎤: in those five years there will be a lot of growth. i actually want to know what do you think is your biggest growth.

XZ: i feel calm and composed. i feel like i have became a little more self-reflective.

🎤: compared to oneself — what does this self refer to?

XZ: because i have always believed in the words "self" and "freedom" i think those are very neutral word. my former self words is that we will consider all aspects to visual. as i mentioned in my previous interview — i am very concerned about how other perceive me, i care a lot about how others' opinions about me. but perhaps over the past five years we have walked slowly along the way so now i think it's more about asking oneself, and then based on one's own opinions

🎤: you will have a persistence, so to be honest whether it's five years or something else do you think you have something firm that it won't change from you?

XZ: of course there will be.

🎤: what is it?

XZ: i remember i said this before — i remember a friend of mine told me "you may don't have to know what you want, but you must know what you don't want" i think this has never changed.

🎤: what do you not want?

XZ: there are many things i don't want.

🎤: can you share with me an example?

XZ: for example — something are luxurious but uncomfortable, or something that i feel not suitable for me.

🎤: i see, because i actually meet you now there are also quite a few changes. one them is starting to exercise now right

XZ: yes!

🎤: and over the five years i actually want to know if have there been any changes in the control of your own body or some changes perception of body?

XZ: actually i have been working out all along. for the past exercise i may have been more pursuit to be a little thinner so there are used to be a lot of aerobic work done before, but now it's actually more about stability, to be more calm, so more importantly i did some strength training.

🎤: i feel that sometimes the passage of time also means that we grow up or even get older, so sometimes you may suddenly realize that your control over your body or your own experiences are little different from before.

XZ: just like when i just watched the interview video from five years ago then in the middle of conversation i just saw myself in the mirror i feel like it's a plus version from the past then now. is it a widened version or narrowed version. i can't say for sure. i don't know where are the subtle changes have occurred — maybe it's about appearance, then it could be the body shape or it may be a state. in every aspect i feel the person in the mirror is a plus version of myself that i just saw in the video. then if we talk about mentality, i think there have been many changes.

🎤:what you say — maybe five years about the body you just mentioned. i want to know if you have had a moment of spiritual freedom in the past five years.

XZ: the most spiritual freedom moment?

🎤: yes, the most spiritual freedom moment.

XZ: actually i feel that i have been relatively free and relaxed for a period of time. it was during joining the filming crew. on the contrary when i was on the set. i don't think it's like a job but more like creating a work — creating a character, the process of creating a character so i am actually very invested.

🎤: so you may feel that speaking of a relative freedom it's when you completely immersed yourself in this character. is it to some extent of isolation from real life. let's said like that?

XZ: it can be said like that.

🎤: i actually remember the reason why you referred to five years as it back then it's because from an ordinary person no matter what or rather entering the entertainment industry as a non actor and then during 2015 and now 5 years have passed. you have actually been in the entertainment industry for 10 years. will there be any changes in the perception of the entertainment industry.

XZ: woah it's been 10 years?

🎤: we can have a 5 years term of 15 days which is 10 years.

XZ: what changes have occurred? — i don't think there has been any change. there hasn't been any change. i think it's relatively achievable, their scope is relatively simple…yes relative simple.

🎤: do you remember the last time i asked you a question? if you are not an actor what would you do. do you remember your answer?

XZ: it's to open a bakery.

🎤: yes. be a baker. i also want to ask this question now. if one day you don't work as an actor anymore what could be your next career? or what do you want to do?

XZ: perhaps…there will still be to opening a bakery. although there may be many practical problems encountered but i still really want to (open a bakery) because i think it's a very happy thing.

🎤: and if we talk about now. does 33 years old xiao zhan have something special? for example the so-called moment of collapse? or it could be a regretful breakdown of the realm.

XZ: i think it might be when acting there are really…i don't think it can be considered a breakdown but i think it's the hurdle. you may not be able to step over but you and i will try every possible way.

🎤: you want to do it better.

XZ: yes, when encountering some obstacles during acting it may make me feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment like — "why can't i do it…" when that hurdle remained insurmountable, it's something that makes me feel a little overwhelmed.

🎤: is there a so-called moment of compromise.

XZ: i don't think it can be considered a compromise right? but i'll do as much as possible. probably the final result may not have been achieved by you today. perhaps it will be resolved by looking back at the present after a few days.

🎤: actually i think something speaking of adults is actually a process of constantly recognizing boundaries as you just said, actually sometimes the so-called compromise is also a process of recognizing the boundaries. do you have that feeling of like you suddenly realized that in all aspects you actually has boundaries there?

XZ: of course i think this can be considered a rule. you can understand it this way.

🎤: if we actually said that five years have passed what will the next xiao zhan look like? have you ever thought about what kind of xiao zhan you hope to be in five years? at that time you will be 38 years old.

XZ: what do i hope xiao zhan looks like? i hope he can have a great time.

🎤: that’s all? is there or what kind of actor will he become?

XZ: no no no…i don't hope much…i just want him to be happy, to have a very happy life.

🎤: do you still dream frequently now? what was your most recent dream?

XZ: i haven’t had a dream for a long time.

🎤: do you often suffer from insomnia?

XZ:: there might be just a little time to sleep, there is bit of difficulty.

🎤: because we often say everyone actually has their own memory building i want to know in your memory — is there a moment that leave you with a recurring memory or could it been repeatedly reminded to you.

XZ:: the last time i dreamed was probably about the place where i used to live when i was a child. it's an old residential building and then our house is on the fifth floor. i remember what the aisle looked like.

🎤: seems to have gone back again

XZ: yes, and then it's really amazing, the structure of the room, and then the people. my parents and grandparents both. everyone is still stuck in that time because it was when i was still a child.

🎤: have you ever wondered why you keep dreaming about that repeatedly?

XZ: this might feel strange but maybe to me it's bit like a safe house. yes, a safe house. this kind of existence may occur when i feel tired or unhappy. maybe, i just want to go back.

🎤: your case reminds me of my previous interview with zhu deyong. he is a taiwanese cartoonist — he said that every time he felt unsafe he will go back to his childhood house in his mind, and he will go patrol room by room then use his memory to build the entire house. he can even see the most delicate table, the chair, and all the vivid memories.

XZ: i was like this in my dream. the kitchen at home, then the restroom, the living room, the two bedrooms, the structural cabinets of the balcony, at the time even the exhaust fan that never replaced. it's either a range hood or a wonderful one — all the details are clear and precise.

🎤: will that make you feel at ease?

XZ: i don't know either but instead of getting up…after waking up there will be a little feeling of loss and melancholy.

🎤: your childhood was particularly happy.

XZ:: my childhood…it's very happy.

🎤: so to some extent that’s also a way for you to nourish yourself.

XZ: yes

🎤: because i know you were actually a designer before and then you can also draw. so do you sometimes draw things about it? for example are you still drawing now? can you draw your childhood house?

XZ: no..but you reminded me. i can give it a try

🎤: it's because i feel like you will rebuilding your memories, some kind of similarity. it is also a very good feedback for yourself.

XZ: it's very good.

🎤: actually it's been five years to some extent…family members also aging. do you have this feeling? like i feel like my parents are getting older?

XZ: i do. but every time i try to stir up emotions then do it with them and message them they will immediately jump out and say "i'm playing ball now" so i don't have time to tell them otherwise my mom and i are out on a road trip again. she will says just be good to yourself, you will feel better okay? they are…very happy.

🎤: they are doing well, so they actually don't have the anxiety of aging at all.

XZ: they are full of power. so i think they are the object of my learning.

🎤: have you asked them why do you think they have no such anxiety at all? like they should think of it.

XZ: i have no idea. so i envy them very much. i really envy them. i learn from them this mentality.

🎤: we just asked our photographer. he has had a lot of contact with you in the five past years he says he will feel your current sense of security or rather your sense of relaxation is gradually increasing especially this year. so i don't know yet if it's a cue do you think there will be something this year that will make you suddenly feel this kind of openness or relaxation?

XZ: i think it’s very subtle because i believe life is not a novel not a movie, not a script. i didn't have a suddenly awakening point right? i think it't a long process, it’s a gradual accumulation then slowly and slowly some changes occurred. so you are asked me when it all started at which moment which i don't really know. but i can only feel like i'm here right now, i don't care that much, maybe it will be better.

🎤: i remember asking you back then 'are you smiling when you're happy' you said "i can't say i'm happy but i'm lucky”

XZ: i also feel very happy now, i am very lucky now

🎤: if you say so then i was also very happy it was a perfect five years. i think if you say so are lucky and happy in five years this show you have actually gone very far in the past five years. how to say this..you may not always gone so smoothly but you really is. so it's better to it to go smoothly. i hope the next five years will be smoother.

XZ: yes, just like what i do every year. people will ask me what kind of blessings do you have for yourself in the new year or give it to someone who likes you? i will says "safe and smooth" people may think that being smooth and healthy is so simple but let's think of it carefully it's not that simple at all. it's again a wish, a blessings.

🎤: so if you want to say something to everyone in 2025…

XZ: it still the same sentence "safe and smooth" i think it's safe and smooth for now then other will come follow naturally.

🎤: alright that's all for now. i have no other questions left. i am looking forward to the next five years with you.

XZ: thank you

[jamnsketch]

venus // pluto

[timethehobo]

Wonder who he’s watching.

[grimfantas]

you don't need morals, you need someone like you who can understand

[high-voltage-rat]

Would chickencow meat (chickenbeef?) be all one uniform type of meat, or would there be a beef half and a chicken half? I know they're shown to be sentient in DF, and so eating them would probably be off the table... but one has to wonder if there's a world in which someone being served roast chickencow gets asked "do you want white meat, dark meat, or beef meat?".

[tea-time-terrier]

The mortifying ordeal of your training gaps no longer being manageable <3

[cathymee]

maybe it's to maintain a sense of tension & turmoil that would eventually reach an explosive peak, a sense of tug-of-war, a back-and-forth to hammer home the ideals they want to deliver and for the viewers to chew on, but although these arguments regarding hiroshi & his stance as a man torn between his loyalty for his country & the loyalty for his Filipino friends and lover is of course important, how they write these scenes & the points they present from this week alone is getting too repetitive...? literally the argument scenes from last night & tonight between adelina & hiroshi is basically the same; the ideas were the same, the dynamics were the same: the aggressive, radical adelina, bristling rage and fear over the injustices she's seen thus far, and the cautious, inspiriting hiroshi, all hopefulness and reassurance one moment as a lover, defensiveness and sternness as a japanese soldier in another. this debate will be ever-present ofc, it is one of the series' biggest conflicts, but it is unfortunately so easy to tell when it is a.) being pulled up as a main topic to move the plot along / be a necessary conflict for character development/introspection / be the conflict to deliver the morals & messages the writers want to send to their viewers, or b.) when it is being pulled up only for the drama and filler to pass the time. like watching the characters sit down to argue for 10 minutes, do other things for the plot for 2 minutes, then sit down again to argue for the next 20 minutes. lol.

[rigormortisangel]

instead of hunger i just get nauseated so i cant eat so i take my nausea med but then i fall asleep and then also cant eat and when i wake up i see my body and realize im not hungry anymore

[peliginspeaks]

Ok I'm making this a different post than the disability month one so I can ramble because I don't think most players (and Failbetter tbh) appreciate how much kataleptic toxicology would fuck up your digestive system With A Vengeance. Like, if you're ingesting poisons on a regular basis that's wreaking havoc on your liver and kidneys of course, but I'd imagine it'd also damage your intestines and stomach lining in the same way Celiac or an inflammatory bowel disease would.

A character who specializes in KT would (barring healing in Parabola or Shapeling Arts intervention) probably end up with nutrient absorption problems long-term, if not chronic pain and/or bleeding from inflammation and scarring. The only reason Hallowrove's been getting away with their level of routine poison-chugging is that their Rubbery friend who likes to homoerotically vivisect them sometimes (Scaleflats) just replaces or repairs whatever's damaged and shores up whatever needs to work more efficiently. I am holding an invisible gun on this guy 24/7 and that gun is labeled Consequences Of Your Actions and the only thing stopping me from pulling the trigger (other than not wanting to project even more than I already am lol) is this squid.

[vynegar]

Been seeing you live posting about Vyn’s 4th birthday card and I just wanna ask (I hope you don’t mind :DD) if the plot is good? And how would you rate it?

just to clarify, the card i've been posting about is Vyn's 5th birthday! so not Journey Forth with You, but the one that just released in CN server that isn't available in english yet

the plot is SO good 😭 i don't really think of the cards in numerical ratings, but it probably ranks right behind my absolute ultimate all-time fave cards of his. maybe a lot of that is recency bias and because it basically dragged me out of a long hiatus, but yeah. i LOVE it. it goes into when Vyn was starting out in his career, stuff with Svart and his family, he talks about why he chose his name (this was in the PV), there are very touching moments between MC and Vyn, a lot of connections to previous cards, and lots to think about...

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

wild blue yonder

the tardis can regenerate itself...... !!! I mean, wait we knew that already kjhkjh but I just connected the dots now that... that means The Time Lords mined and mauled the child just to make their cars better, as well. Damn...

in classic who u used to have to use ur imagination to pretend everything wasn’t a wobbly set... now u have to use ur imagination to pretend everything isn’t a greenscreen :/

"is that who i am now?" the shocking thing isn’t that he is gay (that’s what donna interprets) the shock to himself is voicing how horny he is lol

Someone is gonna say gravity and that's gonna be fucking weird

"it would take trillion years to get that far” chills!

"no one is ever been this far. till us. and this ship" colonialism fiction dna shining thru

“you little streak” <3

"she'll move on" "not shaun, he'll go to that alleyway every year..." \ten at the alleyway to see rose parallel....

Ghost aroma!!!

blue and orange motif....…………… 13 aesthetic moments.... [13 and Swarm coded? / aka entropy/life coded?/donna and the doc...]

“maybe there's a tribe and they worship it… (…) time passes and the city falls... and there's the tardis" beautiful!! I'm could do somth w/ re: w/ the doctor and their companions. (eyes emoji)

"it got complicated" UNDERSTATEMENT OF A CENTURY #2

"The notion of shape is strange." "it limits" literally current architecture theory

This is so nofna solar system-core

love a classic “anti matter hates matter” story

[the no-bodies…?....cousins to the the could have been king ... with his army of never wheres…?]

This feels very [doctor trying to figure out their body in each regeneration] [intentionally?] this is so end of evangelion poster-core

"it’s strange enough my face coming back, but not this big" / [metaphor for reboots?]

This episode is like the clamoring for us to get a castrovalva 2 escher-like world again next season

"that's not gonna work either" i love these idiots

"why does it have to be one last trip?" rtd ringing moffat / gatiss / gardner / etc and being like like -

ok but follow this reasoning: if the doctor is the same person bc they keep their memories (as the show makes a point of.... constantly) ... and if the memories make the person ... then indeed an entity that copies the memories is the same person, is it not? Where do we draw the line between who’s “real” and who isn’t, in this scenario?

A CREATION I DEVASTATED / literally watched WoM two seconds before this w/ ten all "everything i do just makes it happen" sdjsdkf this is what i mean when i say the doctor has never Processed anythingggg since that Bottom Pit moment

"it wasn't your fault" "i know! (but it stil sucks!!!)" me at therapy like

"WHY DOES HE NEED YOU?" me, Pavlovian tone: because he is lonely...

“when something is gone, it keeps existing” → highlight this!!!! this is gonna be the new thesis statement about Grief!!! this is gonna be The Point for the next 4 years lol

It's very fun to watch this after marath6ning all of ten's era bc it's like... that boy never processed any of that shit. did 11 process shit? did 12? 12 maybe a little but really i think they just got even more trauma (bill ): ) dkdksks and don't get me started on 13. basically what im saying is the doctor Never did get a break on between waters of mars up until now... [and i guess to go further never did get a break after since like....... freaking ghost light skskskskkjkj seven is still There. we don't think about that enough.]

Donna being a clone fucker is not a headcanon ever thought i had but im glad its been confirmed now "donma doesn't think she"s stupid" im sure rtd has launched this exact same rant on so some unwilling family members while browsing ao3 "stop copying and make up your own minds" social commentary / commentary on reboots again / core "individualism > society" dr. who 101 messaging

The not things are kinda.... cute? skdksk if they weren't murderous they look like ppl to hang out w/ and play videogames......

"what do you want?" "you tell us" fundamental doctor-companion dialogue....

"love letters don't travel very far" put a pin on that...

ok.... ARGHGHGHH LET ME THINK THINK THINK skskks me failing at CBT be like

What if the doctor is from our universe. what then the doctor being like we have to mill ourselves immediately feels very 13

this is like "what if turn left and midnight but they go through it together this time <3" fic "where the walls are thin and anything is possible" eyes emoji

"that copy was 99% donna" so maybe re:earlier... what the show is saying between copy vs real is that it's all about the x factor, the 1%....

CONCLUSIONS! lived up to the hype! i think it's a bit 13-era vibe in that it's clearly influenced by all the prestige space-base-isolation scifi we see in the ~cinema now every year. the aesthetic is hitting that vibe (and going to the root, there's also a very clear Alien influence). kinda wish we had more one offs just like this one :( bc i feel the other 2 specials have too much Work to do, so there's not enough time to do.Fun like lore and character stuff. Execution wise is very successful. the switcheroos work. the callbacks work. there's a lot of character stuff happening ("I just realized I'm still working through that!") but it doesn't interfere w/ the adventure itself. My one grip is there's a couple shots that do feel too green-screen-y, but overall the ep is visually amazing. def only a story you could do now. also I love that the NMDs were like "rtd is gonna retcon the timeless child!!! everyone hated it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he was like "cool. now watch this" lollll king moments. rare moments where it feels like we live in the best timeline.

[suddencolds]

getting into a new fandom and finding 0 fics for it on ao3 😭 is it over

[themyscirah]

Some portrait doodles I did during my flight today

[cowboyjimkirk]

my foot tendinitis has gotten worse after seven weeks of wearing a walking boot and i’m afraid i’ll have to get surgery 😭

[skunkes]

wishing i was any good at monster design so i cld kickstart figuring out talon's monster bat form if thats still gonna be a thing in his lore

[komashkathesilly]

i just binged revue starlight show. that was crazy