#i need food nowwwww

[inesbaby21]

Meeting Inês Bettencourt Headcanons

You two definitely met at a basketball game no doubt.

I see you sitting court-side, with a group of friends and she keeps looking back at you and your friend.

Poor girl definitely was forced to go up to you after the game, and she was scared shitless (Paige and Azzi's excuse was she you could not be a student at UCONN)

With that being said, she came up to you confident (scared asf), phone in hand and asked for your number.

Your friends are kinda like "Ouhhh okay girl get you some or wtv!" and I could definitely see them embarrassing tf out of you"

okok so skipping forward a little, after a few date and eventually her asking you out I see her calling you "Mrs Bettencourt" and making the funniest jokes about you being a WNBA wife for sure.

You're definitely a court-side girlfriend. 100% you're at every game, away or home.

Skipping to the future most def but I see you and Inês matching to go support women's sports, like going to see Aaliyah or Nika play your outfits are color coordinated and soooo sooo cutie.

Maybe this is me being me, but I see Inês with like a fashion major or like someone who does modeling (lmk if you guys want me to writing something about this! i gotchu)

I also don't really see Inês being super duper touchy, but I could see you two sitting on live together and her hand on your thigh or like her arms around your waist

Like kk she DEFINITELY follows the sidewalk rule, and she's definitely holding open doors for you, and has your food/drink orders MEMORIZED HONEY.

Also Inês is definitely a "My girlfriend, my wife, gorgeous, Ma, mamas" kinda girl like I can see it guys

She definitely is the kinda gf to build you close lego's, and if you need ANYTHING she's either got it or will get it.

I know for a fact that the relationship reminds strong once she transferred, and nothing changed really but distance.

Definitely will be coming back to see you, and the girls as much as possible! shes all love and those are some of her closest friends cmon now 🤦🏽‍♀️

Ouuu off topic but nesh is a cuddler, like real bad. definitely has missed a few hours of practice cuddling with you

Nesh is so cutie, but this is all i have for nowwwww lmk if you guys want more !

[goldfades]

Manager loves platonic love and take the girls out on dates. The girls post tiktoks like “who needs a partner when your manager does stuff like this” and it’s a coloring picnic date that she set up for the team.

Food all home cooked, coloring books and markers ready to go.

They made a tiktok with that sound “oh I can’t kill you, but my buddy can, say hi buddy!” “hi.” and is shows the manager

-🐹

ABSOLUTELY!!! she loves spoiling the girls sm and just driving them around, esp like the lower class men who don’t have cars yet 😭😭 she’s lowkey their uber and like u said her car is NICEEE as fuck

yes because who needs a partner when they already have a sexy and very gf manager?!?? like come on nowwwww

[mysticstarlightduck]

✦ Incorrect Quotes Tag! ✦

Let's go with the main cast from my urban fantasy WIP Crash Stardom! for this one (:

Rules: Use this generator to get incorrect quotes for your characters!

Randall: PEASANT. I REQUIRE SUSTENANCE. Tristan: You know there are other ways to say you want fast food. Randall: FOUL PLEBEIAN. YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST ME— Tristan: *sigh* What do you want? Randall: Fish nuggets please.

Beck: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon. Fabian: Spear. Beck: BLOCKED.

Arden: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons? Noah: Um, make lemonade? Arden: No. They squeeze them right back into life’s eyes!

Dassian: That's ridiculous, Arden doesn't have a crush on me. Tristan: Yes they do. Fabian: Yes they do. Arden: Yes I do.

Randall: Tristan and I are no longer friends. Tristan: RANDALL THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE’RE DATING!

Noah: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

Seth, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?! Fabian, flipping through a cookbook as fast as they can: I don’t know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup!

Tristan (to Sinclair): I don’t know how you have your foot in your mouth, your head up your ass, and your nose in my business. But here we are, you goddamn demon.

Arden: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined. 13 year old!Fabian: Heck. Arden: You're on thin fucking ice. Arden: Oh no--

Beck: *closes a cabinet* *a crash is heard behind the cabinet door* Aspen: What was that? Beck: The sound of someone else's problem.

The MCs: So I have made the decision to trust you. Seth: A horrible decision, really.

Kit: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Tristan: Somebody kill me nowwwww. Noah: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

Arden, talking to Dominic: With all due respect, which is none…

Tristan: Randall, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor. Randall: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?

Fabian: I couldn't do this without you, Kit. Kit: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course

Dassian: Did you know spiders can hold 8 guns at once? Juniper: How does it WALK?? Dassian: Dassian: Did you know spiders can hold 7 guns at once?

Chion & Noah: *Playing video games* Tristan: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games? Chion: *silence* Noah: *silence* Tristan, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you? Noah & Chion, in shame: Yeah...

Fabian: I have a problem. Arden: Kill it. Fabian: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Aspen: A SPIDEEER!!!!!! Tristan: KILL IT! SMASH IT! Derya: BURN IT! Randall: STAB IT! WITH A KNIFE! GET ME THE SHOTGUN! Dassian: Awww, it’s so cute! Look at it!

Beck: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup? Tristan: The afterlife, I guess.

Kit, teaching Juniper to drive: Okay, you're driving and then Dassian and Seth walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit? Juniper: Oh, definitely Seth. I could never hurt Dassian. Kit, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

Noah: While I'm gone, you're in charge, Tristan. Tristan: Yes! Noah, whispering to Randall: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want him to feel bad. Randall: Obviously.

Tristan: Oh, fiddlesticks. Arden: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

Tagging (gently): @sleepy-night-child, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @smol-feralgremlin, @oh-no-another-idea, @littleladymab,

@winterandwords, @eccaiia, @sarahlizziewrites, @illarian-rambling

@agirlandherquill, @anoelleart, @ray-writes-n-shit

@writernopal, @anyablackwood, @unstablewifiaccess, @forthesanityofstorytellers, @finickyfelix

@i-can-even-burn-salad, @cakeinthevoid,

@lassiesandiego, @thepeculiarbird, @clairelsonao3, @memento-morri-writes, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams

@wyked-ao3 and OPEN TAG

[grossillygirl]

I need to go back to my home country. I need to go and eat all the yummy actually authentic food. I hate being estranged from my family 😭 ALL THE YUMMY FOOD IM MISSING OUT ON UGH KILL ME NOWWWWW

[dioles-writes]

• OC FICLET •

Masterlist | Characters: Winola (she/her), Astley (he/they), Una (he/they), Shehani (she/her), Reese (they/them), Haru (he/him)

Characters in purple belong to @jiphenn and Winola belongs to @sleepsloooop

Winola’s peace and quiet was interrupted by Astley at the door. “I need your help.” He stated plainly, blinking down at her.

“Okay.” Winola hopped into her wheelchair, resigned to her fate, and wheeled out into the hall behind her lanky roommate.

He made his way down the hall and to Una’s room without a care in the world, swinging the door open and waltzing through. Winola paused at the doorway, blinking at him. “Um, what are we doing?”

“You gotta save them.” Astley said, gesturing inside.

Shehani and Una were doubled over on Una’s bed, and if Winola hadn’t thought they’d looked rough yesterday, they definitely did now. Their faces had gained a greenish tint, draining their skin of its normal flushed colour; sweat beaded their foreheads, and they looked like they were going to pass out, throw up, and then die any second now.

“Um, maybe we should take them to the medical floor.” Winola said, not missing a beat.

“Winolaaaaaaa….” Una croaked out, reaching out desperately for her. The action, as small as it was, proved to be too much effort for him. He tumbled over onto the floor.

Winola blinked at the sight before her. “What happened to them?” She asked, turning towards Astley again. He just shrugged. Winola then looked back towards the sickly Shehani and Una. “What happened?”

They were just as clueless as Astley.

Great. Winola thought. The last thing she wanted to deal with right now. “Did you drink more alcohol?” She asked, having half the urge to leave right now and let Astley deal with it by himself.

They both shook their heads no. At least they weren’t off partying with Astley again. “Can you guys walk?” Winola asked again, praying that she wasn’t going to have to find some way to drag Una and Shehani to the elevator.

“Never say never!” Una said, slowly and wobbly getting to his feet again. Shehani managed to join him, and slowly but surely, the two of them stumbled out into the hall, clutching their stomachs with pained faces of agony.

“Where’s Reeeeeese??” Una moaned, wishing they still had their buddy around to instantly heal them up.

“Asleep.” Shehani responded, dragging her feet across the ground.

“They need to wake up right nowwwww.” Una huffed out a pained sigh.

It felt like forever passed as Winola slowly wheeled beside the grumbling Una and Shehani, but eventually, they made it to the elevator.

Before anyone could reach over to press the button, the elevator let out a small ding, the doors sliding open.

Reese stepped out of the elevator, looking more than half dead. Winola had never quite seen eyebags so heavy, it was like bruises had been etched into their skin. And their hair and clothes were a disheveled mess, somehow in an even worse state than when they had been at the base.

“Where is everyone?” Reese asked slowly, glancing around the living room.

“REESE!” Una flopped onto them in relief.

Reese stumbled into the living room and onto the couch, clinging onto Una the entire time. They immediately started to heal him up, hands hovering over his stomach as the familiar-looking particles emitted from their hands - despite the fact that they’d quite literally woken up two minutes ago.

They narrowed their eyes. “What happened to you?”

“I don’t even know.”

“You have alcohol poisoning and food poisoning.” Reese said with a slight huff before turning to Shehani, whose face was growing paler by the second. “I’m guessing it’s not just you.”

They held back a sigh, beginning to dual heal them so they didn’t pass out, throw up, and die.

Not even two minutes had passed before the elevator doors opened again. “Honey what are you doing-” Haru was at Reese’s side at once. He plowed through Winola, shoving her wheelchair to the ground before bodychecking Una and Shehani to the side, sitting down next to them with concern in his eyes.

“Haru, don’t do that they’re hurt-” Reese protested, to which they were quickly cut off.

“But you’re hurt.” Haru said, his brows furrowed with worry.

Reese’s eyes softened for a second. “I need to help them.”

Winola made her way to her feet (well, foot) again, her body aching from the hard fall. She picked up her wheelchair, thinking about how she could’ve still been lying in her bed, plotting her death, if not for Astley dragging her out here.

She sat back down - for about two seconds.

The chair collapsed, sending her crashing back down to the ground again.

Her wheelchair…. It was broken.

“It’s not your job to help them, you helped them so much you landed in a coma!” Haru shot back.

Winola stood up again, staring down at her bent and broken wheelchair. Her most reliable and trusty buddy here…. Broken. And just by the looks of it, there would be no way to fix it. Although her entire life was a disappointment, this was a new low for Winola. How useless could she possibly be? These kind people had given her a wheelchair for free, and within a week she’d already broken it. She really was good for nothing.

She wished she killed herself already.

[pinnacle-pixel]

IKEVIL INCORRECT QUOTES

Jude: I wish I was a cat, but not in a furry kinda way, more like a “I can sleep all day and hit people with no consequences” kinda way.

Jude, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?

Ellis: Tea.

Jude: Wrong. It's coffee.

Liam : Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?

Harry: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library.

Elbert: I am a responsible adult!

Alphons: *raises brow*

Elbert: I am an adult.

Roger : Don't have a bookmark? Try ketchup instead!!

Liam: What makes you think I read?

Victor : My only talent is being stress.

Roger : Don't you mean stressed?

Victor : No.

William : You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Kate: But don't you hate yourself.

William : Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

William : Why are Kate and Liam sitting with their backs to each other?

Harrison : They had a fight.

William : Then why are they holding hands?

Harrison : They get sad when they fight.

*The gang when they drop food on the floor*

William : Aw man. *Throws it away*

Liam : Five second rule!

Harrison : Foolish germs, thinking they can stop me!? *Eats it off the floor*

Kate: *Sobs on the floor*

Kate: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on.

Kate: I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first.

Liam : Kill me nowwwww.

Kate: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

[Genesis turns beet red and starts throwing a huge tantrum. She screams and cries, she throws a piece of rug at Mimzy but her twin dodges the projectile]

"Papa, hungry."

[Mimzy is unbothered by her sister's outburst and is more focused on having some food]

"I WANT TOY! I WANT TOY NOWWWWW!"

[Little Genesis tires herself out and decides to have a quick power nap before she destroys some more stuff]

"Papa, me eat, please."

🍇

Crewel: I need to call Trein later and ask him how to do this.

[that-weird-skeleton-bastard]

a bunch of Psychonauts incorrect quotes

Lili: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this. Raz: What did you do Lili? Lili: a Mistake.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Raz: Lili, you risked your life to save me! Lili: And I’d do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

sasha : Kill me nowwwww. Hollis: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my work.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

milla: You know, I really wish you’d just admit you made a mistake sometimes. Hollis, stirring her coffee: I prefer it with salt.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hollis: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean. milla: No, go ahead. I want to hear it. Hollis: It sucks. milla: That's not constructive criticism

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

raz: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet. ford: Why’d you get banned? raz: Touched the rat. ford: … What rat? raz: Chunky Cheese.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

lili: *walks into the room* raz: They’re covered in blood again. Why is it they’re always covered in blood? sasha : Well, it looks like it’s their own blood this time.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

raz: I can't believe you've done this..... lili: I'm sorry I didn't know-! raz, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

sasha : What is the one thing I told you not to do? raz: Burn the house down. sasha : And what did you do? raz: I made dinner. sasha : raz: sasha : raz: And burnt the house down.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

raz: I have a plan. sasha : I have the hospital and milla on speed dial.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

lili: You’re kind of a pushover, aren’t you, raz? raz: …I’m sorry. lili: See!? That’s exactly what I’m talking about!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

sasha , filling out legal paperwork: Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB? raz: Bold of you to assume I was born at all. lili: I personally was created in a lab. milla: I just straight up spawned lol.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

raz: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

lili: We need to distract these guys. raz: Leave it to me. raz: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. sasha & milla: *immediately begin arguing*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

sam : What if I lied this whole time and I'm actually 18? raz: sam , stop trying to get drugs. sam : Don't suppress my interests.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

sam : I’m quick at math. raz: Ok, what’s 38 times 76? sam : 24. raz: That wasn’t even close. sam : But it was quick.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

dion: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world. frazie: Unless you're home alone.

[itty-bitty-mess]

Thank you so much! I deeply enjoyed that papy bitty story. Would it be too much to ask for a papython abuse story next?

Hello! Firstly, I want to deeply apologize for the long wait, I got extremely busy with life and haven’t had much interest in writing for a long while. I know this story might not be perfect and is a little short but I hope its good enough. Thank you for your patience, hope you enjoy!

TW: BITTYBONES AB//USE, BITTY WHUMP, BITTY T*RT//URE

You were fully aware that lamias, just like bitties once did, were the next new big pet. However, unlike your lamia-obsessed rommate, you found the entire concept of lamias and bitties absolutely disturbing, if not a little enraging. You never found those pocket-sized neets cute at all, if anything you absolutely hated how the things were so quick to behave like spoiled children and brats despite being “mature adults” in bitty and lamia standards. 

Their squeaky little voices were worse than listening to a crying baby through an entire flight, their constant demands of things being done for them when they were able to do it themselves was ridiculous, and the fact that some of them went into heat and even got creepy with their owners during it enraged you. But it wasn’t that big of a problem as you never had to deal with one in person, so even if you hated them they weren’t as much of a problem.

That is until your rommate adopted a “Papython”.

That was it. You deeply considered for weeks if you should move somewhere else by yourself, but you eventually decided against it since you didn’t have much money in the first place and your current apartment was probably the nearest place you could find that was close to your work. But you’d be lying if you said you weren’t ten seconds away from actually packing your things and flipping your rommate off as you went through the door.

Regardless of your wishes, there was a gross little lamia in your appartment now and there wasn’t anything you could do about it other than aggressively demand your roommate to keep the little pest in her room away from your sight. However, you could still hear “Papy’s” annoying “NYEH HEH HEH, MOWE FOOD MOMMY!! THE GWEAT PAPY NEEDS MOWE FWOOD!! NOW NYEHHH!!!”

Wow. You wanted to shove an entire knife down the ungrateful fucker’s mouth just for daring to talk like a fucking toddler and calling his own owner “mommy”. This thing only proved your point even more. That Papython was a fully mature adult but acted like a needy and spoiled brat.

“NYEEHHH MOMMMYYYY PWAY WIF MEEEH!!”

“MWEEHH MOMMY I POOPY ON MY CAGE AGAIN!!! CWEAN NOW!!”

“MOOOMMMMMYYYY!!!! THE GWEAT PAPY NEEDS FOOD!!! NOWWWWW!!!! HUNGWY!!!!!”

“MOMMYYYYYYYY PAPY HAD NIGHTMWARE WAAAAAHHHH!!!”

Wow, oh my goodness. That was bad huh. Every time the little snake-skeleton-looking thing demanded more and more attention and food, all you could do was cover your ears and hope that your roommate would one day wake up and realize the little shit wasn’t worth it at all. But every time your roommate gleefully fed him and played with the thing, that possibility seemed less and less possible.

That is, until Papy’s heat arrived…

At first it wasn’t as bad, he was whiny and needy and started slipping out of his cage more often, paying you visits and demanding attention from you with his stupid “NYEH, NYEH, PWAY!!!”. Of course, your only response was to literally kick the fucker out of your room as hard as you could, making sure his shitty little bones cracked a little and calling him every insult you could imagine before slamming the door shut on his face. It was extremely enjoyable to see this thing cry and tear up, finally dropping the baby act for once.

But as the next couple of days arrived, Papy started behaving in quite disgusting ways. He started humping his cage, whining in suggestive manners and then slipping out of his cage even more often to “surprise” your roommate by wrapping himself around her waist and begging “mommy” for “help”. With this, you started to notice that your roommate seemed more and more uncomfortable with his actions.

Despite hating your roommate initially, you still couldn’t just stand there and see her endure such behaviour. At first, you suggested buying special bitty pills that could end his heat quicker, but she was quick to deny that idea since she didn’t want to mess up Papy’s biology with that. Then you suggested sterilizing him, but she thought that’d be too cruel for some reason (you personally didn’t think so and even considered it a well deserved punishment for the little shitstain). Finally, you suggested training him to control his behavior during his heats, which seemed to convince her enough.

The initial week, it seemed like the training was actually working and that maybe Papy could be changed to behave better in general, however as the second week arrived he ended up slipping back into his old demanding and innappropiate behavior. Your roommate decided to give up and decided she would endure the remaining of his heat as best as she could. 

But then it happened…

It was nighttime and the place was awfully quiet, which you were glad about since you hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since Papy arrived. Suddenly, the silence was broken by your roommate screaming bloody murder. You swifly got up and ran to the living room to find her stumbling out of her room with a pale face and teary eyes.

She immediately clung to you and told you to grab a bucket or box or anything at all and capture Papy. So you quickly grabbed an empty bucket, then saw Papy quickly slithering out of her room asking- no- DEMANDING “mommy” to “help him immediately with his heat”. You quickly trapped him in the bucket, placing it downwards against the floor and then sitting on top to keep him from escaping. He banged the plastic bucket with his tiny hands but a quick “SHUT THE FUCK UP” was enough to end it.

Once Papy was contained, you asked your roommate what happened and what she told you made you boil with rage. Papy had started slithering underneath her clothes and sneaking in VERY inappropiate places multiple times, even when she constantly told him to stop it. The scream had happened when he started humping her hand and whining with need as he slithered once more trying to slip under her pants.

Oh that was it. The little shitstain was done for. You told your roommate that Papy was sadly beyond repair and that most bitties and lamias were the same and that the only solution was to get rid of him and taking him back to the lamia shop. Your roommate shook her head and instead of trying to justify Papy, this time she said she didn’t want to return such a shitty thing for someone else to adopt, that the little fucker didn’t deserve a second chance and that he had to be eliminated for the good of everyone.

Part of you was oddly proud of her for finally realizing that lamias and bitties weren’t worth it. So both of you started to brainstorm how you would get rid of the worthless thing once and for all. You had hated Papy since the very beginning, so you gladly offered to take the matter into your own hands and your roommate gleefully agreed.

The next day, Papy was still trapped under the bucket. He still whined and begged for mommy to “help him” and so you quickly removed the bucket, letting him slither free. He slithered around surprisingly fast, looking for your roommate like a child searching for a lost toy but she was nowhere to be found, she had decided to stay at a nearby hotel for the day while you got rid of him. 

When Papy was done searching, he looked up at you like a curious baby with his big empty eye sockets, probably trying to seem as “cute” as possible but only looking extremely gross. He then asked “MWEH!! HOOMAN WHERE DID MOMMY GO!!! THE GWEAT PAPY NEEDS LOVE AND ATTENTION FROM MOMMY NOW!!! NOWWWWW!!!”.

“Mommy doesn’t want a worthless little shit like you anymore, idiot. She hates you, she doesn’t love you anymore.” You spat with hatred in your words. Papy was immediately taken aback from the rude language and asked you what you meant.

“Oh, you know, no sane human wants a literal s*x freak in their home or as a pet! And you, my friend, just fucked up big time by touching your owner in inappropiate places and then demanding she “helps” you with your heat.” You said, you wanted the little fucker to know all of this was his fault, his death would be of his own doing.

“N-NYEH?!? B-But- BUT I DIDNT MEAN TO- NYEH!! I WAS JUST NEEDY!! BESIDES, SHES UH, SHES MY MOMMY!! SHE HAS TO HELP ME WHEN IM FEELING FUNNY DOWN THERE!! THE GWEAT PAPY NEEDS IT!!” He screeched as he started slithering in your direction

“I guess you’re just too much of an idiot to understand that *ssaulting your owner isn’t what a good grateful pet does.” You said as you stepped closer. “She doesn’t have to do jack shit for you, especially with how fucking needy and bratty you are, she doesn’t owe you any fucking help during your heats, asshole. She hates you, she doesn’t want you anymore, you’re shit, you’re nothing.”

“N-NO, NO NO!!! MOMMY LOVES ME VERY MUCH!! SHE SAID I WAS THE SPECIALEST PAPYTHON LAMIA EVER AND THAT SHE WOULD LOVE ME FOREVER AND EVER!!!”

“Oh, you’re not even worth a piece of used toilet paper. You should stop calling yourself “the great papy” because you really aren’t shit, asshole. You’re nothing.” And with that, Papy started crying and sniffling like a lost toddler.

“B-BUT IF MOMMY DOESNT WANT ME… WILL YOU BE MY NEW MOMMY/DADDY?????” He sniffled with ignorant excitement, opening up his arms, asking for you to carry him.

Instead, you ended the conversation and immediately got to work. You kicked him in the tiny gut, leaving him breathless and teary-eyed. He asked you, with the little breath he had regained, to stop but you just shut him up. You grabbed him by the tail and started swinging him around, hitting his head with every piece of furniture you could find, enjoying as his tiny skull ended up covered in cracks and orange bruises. Tears streamed down his little eye sockets and you just laughed at the fucker’s misery. He even threw up a little and you just kept swinging him around again and again until you got bored.

Then you went into your roommates room and spotted Papy’s cage. You smiled as you grabbed the cage and started emptying it of all of his possessions as he cried and begged you to stop. You stomped and crushed his stupid little furniture, ripped his clothes apart and flushed the remaining lamia kibble he had down the toilet as he screamed and begged you multiple times to stop.

You grabbed his racecar-shaped bed and snapped it in two pieces, then crushed the fragile plastic until it was only dust, causing Papy to cry even more as his beloved possessions got destroyed and then thrown in the trash. You then grabbed the broken remains of his bed and shoved some bits deep down his throat causing him to choke and tear up, struggling for air and eventually swallowing the sharp, painful plastic pieces, damaging his throat. You even grabbed the few CDs he kept near his cage as they were his favorite animated movies and snapped them in half.

“NOOOOOO PLEASE IM SORRY PLEASE STOP TELL MOMMY IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING IM SORRY PLEASE STOP PLEASE NOOOO IM SORRY DONT BREAK MY THINGS ILL BE A GOOD BITTY I PROMISE PLEASE” was all the little fucker could say. Finally, you grabbed his cage, stomped on it until it broke and threw it in the nearest garbage dump, getting rid of the last item related to Papy.

As you got back home, it was time to teach the bastard a lesson. You took him to the kitchen and taped him to the table face up, making sure to especially secure the tail, arms, head and torso. Then you grabbed the sharpest knife you found in the tiny apartment kitchen and warmed it up on the stove. Once the knife was a bright red color, you approached Papy, ready to teach this fucker about consequences.

Papy squirmed and screamed nonstop, begging mommy or anyone for help but it was no use as your apartment, small as it was, was nicely sound proof to the outside. You didn’t waste more time as you located Papy’s “entrance” and stabbed him there, causing the most blood curdling scream youve heard to come from Papy’s mouth. You made sure to cut all the right areas, drawing lood and cutting through the ecto flesh nice and sadistically slowly. You left him nicely sterilized albeit with deadly, serious wounds and painful open cuts. With the little strength he still had, he begged for mercy one more time, but you werent done just yet.

You dangled Papy from the tail again causing him pain, swinging him around. You also tried literally adding salt to his wounds making him screech, and forcing him to drink dish soap as he choked and begged for mommy to rescue him. It was hilarious how the soap started to pour out of his nose and eye sockets once he was full enough, it was like he was crying green dish soap, a fitting punishment for a worthless piece of shit. 

You still has a couple of things planned before offing him once and for all, but before that you made sure to call your roommate. Once she picked up, Papy started screeching, apologizing and begging mommy to rescue him, but all she responded with was to shut him up and then said an extensive list of reasons why Papy was the worst pet she ever had, she called him names, berated him, listed every time Papy behaved like a brat and ended the call by saying she doesn’t fucking love him anymore and that she hoped he died slowly and painfully. 

Once the call had ended, Papy was inconsolable and apologized nonstop, as if your roommate could still hear him or as if that would somehow make you feel empathy for the piece of shit. You shut his crying up by slapping him, spitting on his face and slamming his head against the hard furniture. 

Bruised and bleeding, Papy could only cry and whine in pain. The thing was mangled beyond recongition and anyone who saw him would think he was some crumpled piece of paper or a failed paper mache project. You removed his scales one by one, slowly, painfully. He cried, he begged, he tried dragging himself away from you but you stomped on his tail, breaking his tiny tailbone and drawing another scream of agonizing pain. 

You were getting tired of the asshole’s squeaky ass voice, so you grabbed some permanent glue from the kitchen cabinet and shoved the bottle in his mouth. You held him in place as you squeezed hard and filled his mouth his permanent glue, which not only dried quickly but also seemed to burn his “sensitive” bony mouth as you heard a pained muffled scream trying but failing to escape Papy’s mouth.

You then resumed slowly removing his ugly little scales one by one. Each time drawing a muffled scream of agony, forever trapped in the pest’s mouth. Once he was completely bare of scales, you wanted to be done with the fucker already, so you grabbed the knife you had sterilized him with and stabbed his disgusting little tail and torso nonstop. 

You broke tiny bones, pierced sensitive ecto-skin, ripped his arms off, drew blood and chopped the tip of his tail into tiny little pieces. Papy was pretty much dying slowly at this point, crying silently as tears fell from his horrified eye sockets nonstop. Finally, you cleaned and disinfected the kitchen and threw the sterilizing knife away. Then you simply dropped Papy in the dumpster on the side of your house. 

The worthless piece of shit was bleeding and dusting uncontrollably, and could not be helped, he would most likely die by tomorrow and the dying process would be slow and painful. You smiled and spat on his face one last time before closing the dumpster lid and going back home to inform your roommate of the good news.

Weeks later, you and your roommate ended up realizing you actually had many other interests in common and built a strong, unbreakable friendship after that, standing together and supporting each other through everything. As for Papy, he definitely died, and regretted his every action and word that led him to his painful death as he slowly and painfully rotted away in the dumpstes among the trash, where worthless things like him belong.

[btsqualityy]

ima make a meal & pick up some wine after work so we can cry together over yoongi being gone for the next 600+ days. send me a list of what food/alcohol u want & lemme know when u otw 🥲🫠😩

Bring me the strongest vodka you can find friend!! I was sick so it didn’t hit me at first but nowwwww…..I might need a stretcher to get me off the floor because I am tore UP! 😭

[alfiebungo]

Yooooooo. I want to have sex with Mori fuck me kaze. Aggghhhhhh. I want Morikaze  to ground pound on my cock until it looks like it was ripped straight off of thanos himself. Aggghhh. I’m gonna cum in my Morikaze  cum sock until it becomes a living creature. Ahhhgggghhggggggggggghhh. Morikazesaaaaaaaaa. Mmmmmmmmmm yeahhhhhh. Fuckkk. Morikaze o want to fuck you so bad. Guhhhhhhh. Ughhhhhhhhh. I want to cum in Morikaze’s time traveling pussy until it overflows so much that it has to be put into alternate timeline versions of her. Fuckkkkkkk. I’m cumming on this photo so much right now. I think my phone my break from all the cum on the phone. Let me print it out. I’m gonna have to get a new screen protector tho. God Morikaze please I need you to ground pound my cock now. I want you to crush my cock with your gigantic ass. Pleeeassssseeee. Morikaze I need your sex nowwwwwe. I’m gonna impregnate Morikaze with so many children at once he’ll have to make new timelines to store all the new Morikazes in. Ahhhh yessssss. Fuckkkkkkk. God his ass is so fucking hot. I’m masturbating and cumming so hard it’s gonna cause an earthquake. My family has already drowned in the cum but I can’t stop. He’s so fucking hot gods. Aggghhhhh. I need Morikaze to suffocate me to death with his thighs so badly. Aggghhhhhhhh. Morikaze’s perfectly toned feet yesssssssd. He’s so sexy fuck. I need him to push my face in with his fat sweaty toes. Holy shit. Holy shit. I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. This is too much. My entire life is gonna be devoted to masturbating to Morikaze. This is my life when I don’t get sex with Morikaze pleassse. Morikaze I need your pussy to wrap my cock in eternal sex right now. I need to put babies in Morikaze god I need to right now. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care about school. I don’t need food. I don’t need water. I don’t even need air. All I need is sex with Morikaze for the rest of eternity. Even if I’m dead by then my ghost will return to complete the unfinished business of having constant sex with Morikaze . I’ll probably have to make up for the lost time too so I’ll fuck him in other timelines too. I’m every timeline there will be a single constant. And that constant will be me having constant fucking sex with Morikaze . Godddddd. Fuckkkkk. There is no end. Infinite universes will have to be created in order to satiate our limitless lust. For the amount of cum I will generate will transcend the current limits of our existence. It will be a never ending cycle of me and Morikaze fucking and creating new universes just to store all the cum. But then those universes will contain me and Morikaze fucking forcing more to exist. Resulting in an endless cycle of cumming and sex. Pleasuring Morikaze’s deep pink pussy. Past even the end of time itself. The human race will have no reason to continue reproducing. Because we’ll produce enough children to where it can continue on. There will be wars between the people and the children of me and Morikaze. But they can never win. For our army is unending. Within seconds. All that exists will be our descendants and the two of us wildly embracing and fucking each other like it’s the last time we’ll ever breath. Ughhhhhh. Fuckkkkk. Morikaze yesssssss. Your pusssssyyyyyy is so fucking hotttt yesss.

WHAT STOP

[yetanothersaint]

done w grad school apps for now... in one place and waiting on three more... need hi-fat vegan food right nowwwww. also a scalp massage and a huge non-drooling dog that wants to lay on top of me for two hours. and a 30-gallon aquarium with plants in a bag and ivory/red/pink ramshorns. and an apple cider donut. and some perfect perfect toast. and maybe some red wine. and for the rain to stop so i can plant the ironweed and swamp mallow asap... AND a blunt!!!!!

[the1975attheirverybest]

ik somebody else is iconic but i have listened to it SO. MUCH. that i can’t anymore 😭😭 maybe by the time iliwys 10th anniversary rolls around i’d get back into it!

re: hair — fuckass skullet i hate it. i would agree with you on the buzz cut but those selfies really crack me up so that’s a positive

next question — fuck, marry, kill (t75 wags edition): carly, charli, gabriette (not included chloe because we don’t know much about her yet)

VEEEE!!!!! Listen to meeeeee: GET SOMEONE YOU LOVE? (Hey!) GET SOMEONE YOU NEED? (Wass’ tha’?) FUCK THAT GET MONEY!!!! I can’t give you my soul cuz we’re never alone

Fuckin hell why is this the most difficult one??? Okay okay we have to eliminate Carly for no other reason than she’s an angel and it would be wrong. The (holt-) Hanns are the parents of this fandom and we just cannot. So kill Carly (rip queen love you) nowwwww who do I marry and who do I fuck. Both tbh. Can we just be a throuple? And live happily ever after and make sweet sweet love all the time and eat grain free food?

Okayyyy fineeee I’ll playyy 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 fuck Gabriette and marry Charli. :(((((((((

Your turn, evil criminal.

[madeimpact]

✏️ (both Noct and Prom because this is probably gonna be interesting xD)

What do you mean this isn't canon || @novuscaelum

Noctis: Did you like the food I made? Novus: No, not really. Noctis: But I put my heart and soul into it! Novus: No wonder it tastes so cold and dead.

Prompto: Kill me nowwwww. Novus: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

Prompto: Is Novus always like this when he loses? Noctis: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 784. Novus: You bumped that table and you know it!

[serialfirstdater]

After the Sun #7: The Buff X-Ray Technician

Before I fully dive into this story (cause it’s a doozy and the highlight for the end of 2022), I was told that some friends of friends are sill reading this blog (I’m pretty public about my dating life amongst people I know. So feel free to relish or pass this blog onto someone who needs some real life entertainment, LOL). I know one of them wanna hang, so girl, I told C that I am down, just let me know! Otherwise I might just add you on IG very soon if the man doesn’t connect us, just sayin’ LOL. [We have connected whilst I was in the middle of typing this blog post. :D ] Okay, we are friends nowwwww LOL :D

Anywho, back to this guy #7, the X-Ray Technician, who was HELLA fit. Like, husky, weightlifts 200 lbs type fit (is that a lot in the world of weight-lifting? I just started but I have no idea).

When I originally matched with him, I knew that he was shorter than me by a couple of inches but decided to give him a shot anyway. Especially after dating Mr. Sunshine for 4.5 months, I have opened up my mind up just a bit to shorter men. Obviously I will not go for someone who is 5′5, but, 5′8 I would be willing now compared to over a year ago. (And technically, Mr. Sunshine was around 5′7 despite his claims of being 5′8, cause it said so on his health card. But sometimes the height on your health card is wrong. No matter, the man may have been short but he was masculine and confident, which made him sexy and why I dated him for as long as I did).

First Date

When I was messaging the X-Ray, I was on my way home from my part-time job. He mentioned he was free and offered to meet up if I haven’t left the city yet. At the time I was at Bloor station and he messaged just on time for me to turn back around. Since I had the time, I thought why not knock out a first date? It was also at the end of August, so the weather was still nice enough to hang outside and I wanted to relish in it. 

He came up to me and I was like, hm, not sure about this one but let’s see how the date goes. We sat down at a local pub and had some food. As time went on, I became more and more attracted to him. I think it was a mix of banter, ease of conversation and him just overall becoming more attractive to me physically. I normally was not into guys with beard but, hey, I always end up liking someone quite different from the last guy cause no physical type here really LOL. (Though apparently I was told I do have a specific type now LOL). He did have a nice half sleeve *eyes emoji*. I personally was never crazy about guys with tattoos before until Mr. Sunshine. He also had a half sleeve and now after that experience, any man with a sexy half or full sleeve, or even a connecting chest piece to arm, you can sign me uppppp. 

Anywho, I knew by the end of the first date I wanted the man. LOL. Sooooo...

Second Date

Our second date happened shortly after where he took me to axe throwing. It was quite fun and honestly, activities for a date are only really enjoyable if you like that person. *cough*NewRealtor*cough*

Towards the end, the employee asked if we wanted a photo together. I was hesitant but then went, why not. He was the FIRST DATE I’ve ever had a photo taken with. I only previously had photos taken with my ex-partners. Even I didn’t have a photo together with Mr. Sunshine.

After, he asked what I wanted to do. I suggested checking out his area. *eyes emoji* And let’s say he was very surprised by my suggestion LOL. We definitely went back to his area LOL.

Third Date

I liked him a lot by the end of the second date, clearly. Especially when we had a LOT of chemistry in the bedroom. I was eager to see him again. Mind you, all of these dates were happening almost back-to-back because I happened to be free and was going with the flow of things.

For our second date, I took him out to watch Bullet Train (which is now part of my top 10 favourite movies of all times. I went first time with my sister. The fact I paid to see it again, it was WORTH it). During the movies, he kept turning to me and thanking me for bringing him to such a great movie. He even continuously gave me kisses, and I reciprocated happily. I thought everything was going swell! Afterwards we went back to his place and to enjoy the rest of the night together.

Fourth Date

I think I mentioned in previous blog posts that the fourth date normally makes it, or breaks it. I barely gone beyond four dates except for a couple of times since my first ex. There was the dude that made me left to Australia back in 2018 where we had either five or six dates and I think the one Accountant Aussie I went out it whilst in Melbourne). Asides from those two, anyone that went beyond four dates were either men that became my boyfriends or we dated exclusively (but unofficially). 

How many surpassed 4 dates? Exactly 4: He Who Shall Not Be Named (first ex), Ex-Actor, Crazy Rich Asian Ex, and Mr. Sunshine. The Bull, technically I think we saw each other 6 times buttt the situation was unique cause he was in an open relationship so I don’t count him. 

I was a little worried about this fourth date because of the repeating patterns of my dating experiences. Of course though, things were seemingly good so I tried to put that out of my mind.

We decided to go hiking. Hiking was also a date activity I always wanted to do but never had a chance to with any previous partners or dates. On the drive there, he told me a story after I told him about experiences where I saw men that would go to such LENGTHS for certain girls that they were infatuated with. The next thing I realized, he started to share with me his dating experience about a girl he was head over heels for last year (2021 in this case).

- X-Ray Tech’s Dating Story -

In 2021, he was swiping and came across a girl that he found attractive. After swiping her, he found out that she was from the U.S. One of the M states, like Michigan or Massachusetts or Maine. She was going to move to Toronto within a couple of months because she’s an actress that was trying to break into the scene here. (Nothing big, minor background roles, no talking roles from my understanding). Somehow, this man became INFATUATED with her. They didn’t meet whilst she was in the U.S., of course. But prior to her leaving to Toronto, she needed a place to stay for a month. X-Ray ended up paying for her AirBnB for A MONTH. 

I exasperated asked, “Why???” in our convo and he said he thought she “would pay him back.” I didn’t think so and after telling my guy friend the story, my friend laughed and said, “Yeah, no, the man knew he wasn’t getting any money back. He was just a sucker.”

Shortly after the AirBnB situation, she moved up to Toronto. Apparently the organization that she was a part of did not find her a place to stay at yet. So what did he do? He decided to move her into his place! Mind you, up until this point they have only Facetimed but he was head over heels for her. He didn’t even live in Toronto, but out in bloody frikkin Aurora.

He told me, when it was high, it was so high with her. But when it was low, they were basically fighting and at each other’s throats. They never defined their relationship but rather stayed in this weird situationship dynamic for four months. Yes, FOR FOUR MONTHS SHE LIVED WITH HIM.

The house though was not his, but his mother’s. However she was living with her partner and he got to live at home rent-free of course. But one day when X-Ray’s mom came over, she realized that this random girl was living there. She asked him who she was and technically she wasn’t his girlfriend or anything close. So his mom told him to get rent from her since it was costing her money to house another person. 

So of course he went to the girl and told her she needed to start paying rent. She outright refused. Instead, she packed up and moved out because apparently she had a place ready for her by her organization.

But their contact didn’t stop there. Oh no. She would call him to ask him to pick her up from one part of town, to drop her all the way on the other side of town (almost an hour drive on the highway). He asked her why, and she would tell him she missed him.

“Then can I see you after your event?” he asked in earnest (well, I assume in earnest).

“No,” she said.

...The man did not pick her up and dropped her off, but he did pick up the phone twice cause she made the request two separate times! LIKE SERIOUSLY.

- End of X-Ray Tech’s Dating Story -

Once we got out of the car, the story above was very much burned into my dating archives. I knew mentally that this was a story I was gonna share with everyone if this date didn’t work out (newsflash, clearly we didn’t considering it’s going all up on this blog LOL).

We had a pleasant hike. We were flirty and fun, poked fun at each other and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Well, at least that was what it felt like to me. During this date, I felt so relax and got to be truly me. I thought this man understood me.

After the hike, he took me to a local ice cream shop and bought me ice cream and chocolates. It was super cute and I just don’t get guys doing that for me that often (beyond your usual first date dinners of course). We sat at the trunk of his car, with our feet dangling off on the side as we enjoyed our ice creams for the last summer days. It was a really sweet moment.

He told me that his cousin was moving from their home country to Canada to go to school in Toronto. Therefore he was going to be busy for a bit because his cousin’s English was not fluent and he wanted to help his cousin get his documents in order for the school year. He told me after the date, he was going to go home and clean up the place.

I offered to join him to help him clean up his space, because I genuinely wanted to help. He refused multiple times because I kept offering. 

At some point in the date, probably before this point, I don’t recall when, he told me, “You know, I feel that you are doing so much for me and I don’t deserve it.” He went on to mention the little things I have done, which he had notice. Such as making sure that he got to work on time for our first date when he was in between shifts. I immediately clocked this casual mention in my mind. When he said that I was doing a lot for him, I knew it was bad news. If you haven’t dated a lot or listened to as many dating podcasts and TikTok videos as much as I have, you’d probably think that was so sweet of him to notice.

Anywho, I did want sex but decided to hold it off for next time because he wasn’t going to let me help him and I thought it was best I went home instead.

Post Fourth Date

Over the next few days, we continued to chat as normal. X-Ray was very responsive and we basically could text all day, and I would hear back from him in less than an hour.

I thought everything was dandy.

Almost a week has passed and I hit him with a, “I’m available these days!” since I wanted to start scheduling our fifth date.

He told me he worked those shifts. I went back and asked if the following week seemed good. He said he didn’t know.

“So I’m not gonna see you anytime soon? :’(” I texted.

And few minutes later I saw some dreaded words. “Hey, I think you’re an amazing person...” 

You can imagine how the rest went.

It was like someone crushed all my hopes in an instant. 

Remember how I always say, the fourth date is always the make it or break it stage? Welp, this was another one for the books.

I told him okay and left it at that.

However, I couldn’t stop ruminating over why it all ended. It didn’t make sense to me. I have gone out with so many men over the years, I knew it when a guy didn’t like me. But this was the first time I had barely any indication he was not interested, minus the fact that he prep his busy excuse ahead of time. But because he told me far in advance, I thought it was more than reasonable. 

Everything he did up until then indicated he was interested. Even the day before, he told me that he switched gyms and got a free guest pass and told me that I could join him! I didn’t even ask!!

There were also a couple of times where he kept reassuring me that he wasn’t seeing anyone else because he didn’t have enough time. I didn’t ask if he was seeing other people either! I even went on a date with someone else in between that time because I wanted to make sure not to overly invest in the guy.

I didn’t understand what was going on so I caved and messaged him the next day asking what the heck has happened. It didn’t make sense to me that someone that was overly affectionate in the last couple of dates suddenly was not interested. Even at the end of the date, I didn’t feel anything has changed.

“I won’t bother you again after this but, what happened?” I texted him.

Long story short, he wrote something along the lines of, “I’m not sure. I thought that if I acted like I liked you, that eventually it would happen. I did not feel that spark.”

Now that was a slap in my face. I never had someone tried to fake it until they make it. That absolutely made no sense to me. Why in the world would you pretend to like someone in hopes that feelings will develop? If you are unsure, just act normally and see if anything changes. Don’t pretend!

I was peeved, I did give him a bit of a chew out and he was apologetic. I wanted to rage on him but I knew nothing was going to change.

It took me 3-4 days to get over it. Which was a long time in my books. However, I was temporarily scarred. Completely jaded. I had to wrap up the last couple of guys I was talking to and took a three month break. To be honest, I wanted to take a year long break but Matthew Hussey told me otherwise in 2023. But of course before I dive into 2023, we still have some 2022 stories to go... And maybe a wrap-up/lessons post before 2023 stories?

[shepardyke]

HAPI AND CONSTANCE FOODIE GIRLFRIENDS