#i need a better tag for my terrible attempts to read books

[beezlub]

a scarf won’t hide much || S.S x MC

a/n: this is entirely unproofread so excuse that. this has been rotting in my brain for the last week or so, and i needed to get it out before continuing my other works lolol. it ended up being a lot longer than i expected but eh i’m not complaining

tags: slightly suggestive themes, sebs can’t apply makeup for sh!t, overall just very fluffy. seb and mc are in their ?? 7th ?? year? something like that idk i didn’t really have a year in mind but it’s def when they’re older than 17. leander slander (i’m sorry)(not really)

wc: 1.9k

likes and reblogs greatly appreciated :)

“seb, what’s on your neck?”

shit was the first thing that came to mind when he heard your voice in his ear. luckily, the great hall was mostly empty at this time, most students not wanting to get up so early in the dead of winter, wanting to savor the remaining bits of heat embedded in their blankets. you two, on the other hand, took this to your advantage. a quiet meal together in the mornings is just what you both needed more often than not with the chaos going around the school and hamlets, you off on your broom when you didn’t have classes, and sebastian in the undercroft or library, adding books to the every-growing list he thought you’d like.

“it’s, it’s nothing, love. how’s your eggs? they’re delicious today, oh and the sausage. if you won’t eat yours, i will, along with your pumpkin juice too,” sebastian could feel his cheeks burning, prying his gaze away from your curious one. he knew his sticks were limited; you could read him like an open book, and according to a tangent you’d gone on a few months back, rambling on about something insignificant was a key sign the teen was attempting to lie about.

“you’re a terrible liar, and a worse boyfriend for trying to lie to me,” you mused, a smirk coming to your face as you twisted around to get a better view of the awfully orange section of skin on his neck. as if he felt your eyes on his neck, sebastian brought his unoccupied hand up, covering his neck in a feeble attempt to hide the blotchiness. letting out a groan, you gripped his forearm, ignoring the heat coming to your cheeks as you felt the muscle underneath his robes flex from your touch as you tried to pry away his hand. “seb! let me see! please,” you pleaded with the brunette, continuing to tug what seemed like your whole body weight down on his arm, but to your dismay, he didn’t even budge a centimetre. “if it’s a bruise from quidditch, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, love. it happens!”

letting out a groan of his own, sebastian shook his head, his fingers clamped down on his scarf and around his neck, his other hand idly pushing around the breakfast on his plate as he tried to ignore your assault of questions and comforts. how could he even begin to tell you that the awfully covered bruises on his neck were from you. his hardworking, intelligent, sweet girlfriend. he couldn’t break it to you; if he knew you as well as he hoped he did after half a year of dating, you’d be mortified at your actions from last night. a hot and heavy make out session in the room of requirement led to more than tousled hair, unbuttoned, and untucked shirts. it had led to your lips on his neck, legs wrapped around his waist as he was just putty in your hands after not seeing him properly for almost a week. ‘sickeningly sweet lovebirds' is what ominis had called you two with a fake gag when you had first started going out, and the name only became more true as the weeks flew by. now, it seemed as if you couldn’t go more than a few hours without reappearing by the other’s side, glued at the hip. amit had said you guys were star crossed lovers long before an official confession was even made from you (who was tired of sebastian’s flirtatious banter and his lack of balls to ask you out properly. you threatened him that you’d go out with prewett if he didn’t cough up an answer soon enough), and there you were last night, too caught up in each other to realise the fog that had consumed both your brains.

“MC, it’s. it’s not from quidditch,”

“then what is it from? ominis finally rocked your world with his duelling skills?” you snickered as sebastian glared at you, only for it to soften as he saw the joy in your eyes.

“something like that, i suppose.”

“wait- it wasn’t from anne was it? was she sick of your awful jokes finally and decided to take revenge?” you faked a surprised gasp, erupting into a fit of giggles as sebastian elbowed you gently in the side.

“my joke are not awful, i’ll have you know. got professor sharp to laugh at one the other day!”

“yes, dear, i know. we’ve been in the same potions class for how long now?”

“when will you stop piercing this beating heart, oh love,” sebastian let out a theatrical gasp, his hand moving from his neck unconsciously as he clutched the fabric over his heart, his head falling back to match his dramatical action. taking the opportunity, you yanked down his scarf, a nasty shade line of purple and blue hues ran down the column of his neck, and you suppressed a gasp as you tenderly ran a finger down his neck.

“sebastian! who did this to you? oh, merlin, i’m going to have their chin at the end of my wand for hurting you like this!” the anger was evident in your voice, and as much as sebastian liked seeing this rare, possessive side of you, he couldn’t hold the truth back from you any longer. you were right, he was an awful liar, and even worse at keeping things to himself.

“MC, calm down, please,” he whispered, grasping your wrist gently as he looked around the hall, making sure nobody’s prying eyes were on the two of you before yanking you off the bench and dragging you to the floo flames. before you could spew more nasty things about yourself unknowingly, he had you both inside the room of requirement. turning to face you, he could practically see the steam coming out of your ears, and he bit down a smile at the pout you had on your face. “do you really want to know?” he asked you, watching you frantically bob your head up and down.

“what kind of question is that! yes, sebastian sallow, i would in fact, love to know who did this to you! fighting with wands is one thing, but getting into a physical altercation with another student is another thing! i should go to professor weasley about this, or merlin, even professor black! they should have a week’s worth of detention, or even expelled!” sebastian could only watch with an amused look on his face as you paced right in front of him, throwing your hands up in the air every once in a while while your boots clacked on the stone of the floor. once you seemed to get most of your anger out in a verbal way, he let out a laugh. “what’s so funny, sallow? being beaten up sure isn’t, and from the looks of it, you didn’t even put up a fight! your knuckles are perfectly healed, and you don’t have any breaks on your face like you’d had when i first came.”

“you’re right, love. i didn’t put up a fight. i actually enjoyed this assault,” he watched as your jaw dropped, a smirk playing on his lips. oh, it was truly amusing to see you being so naive and forgetful.

“sebastian sallow! have you finally lost what little brain cells you have left?” you stood on your tip-toes and rattled your knuckles against his forehead, internally relieved that his brain wasn’t missing.

“you see that couch over there?” he pointed at the leather couch you had, pushed against the wall, giving a good view of the christmas tree you’d set up in the middle of the room. nodding to his question, he continued. “that’s where i was assaulted, per se.”

“but- how? only you and professor weasley know about this place. and deek, but i doubt he’d do anything to you.” sebastian was having way too much fun with this, the look of confusion and worry etched onto your features only fueled the fire in him.

“it was this awfully pretty witch who did it. she had let her hair out of her bun, and i was completely thrown off by her, having never seen it down. and her hands were all over me too, never once leaving my body. sat on my lap and everything.”

“sebastian! not only did you get assaulted, you, you cheated on me?” maybe he pushed it too far now, realising the pain in your voice and the tears pooling in your waterline. sighing, he ran a hand through his hair before looking back at you.

“MC, you are dim. it was you, love. you are the witch who assaulted me, and supposedly should get a week’s worth of detention or even expulsion.” it took a few moments for the gears to turn in your brain before it all clicked, and sebastian had a front row seat to this show. your face turned scarlet in a few mere seconds, and you’d let out a series of incomprehensible words before covering your red face with your hands. a few apologies were strewn out too, though barely audible beneath your hands and you tried to hide yourself away from the man. laughing, sebastian grasped your wrists, prying them away from your face only to be met with your teary eyes and a furious blush.

“i’m- i’m so sorry sebastian! i didn’t mean to! i-i swear!” you hiccuped a few times, and it only made sebastian laugh more as he pulled you into his chest.

“oh, my sweet witch. whatever am i going to do with you?” he asked to nobody, wrapping an arm around your waist and the other around your shoulders.

“you-you aren’t mad?” you looked up at him, and his heart melted at your sorrowed expression.

“love, i am the furthest thing from mad. i quite enjoyed myself last night, and you seemed to as well, if those little breathy moans were anything to go by,” he shot a wink down at you, and you pushed his chest away from you, pouting once again.

“you aren’t funny, sallow.”

“i meant it dear. although, it would be nice for me to pay back the favor,” his voice lingered in the air as he withdrew his arms, instead interlocking your fingers together as he tugged you towards the couch.

“seb?..” you were confused, intrigued but confused as he plopped back on the couch, pulling you into his lap as you let out a yelp from the surprise.

“my little witch deserves some affection too, don’t you think?” his breath was hot on your neck, and any thoughts lingering in your brain vanishes as you felt his lips on your neck, peppering the skin in light kisses before they grew more hot.

“i-i hurt you, seb,” you breathed out, hand on his chest as he resumed his arms around your waist, bringing you closer to his chest, his lips not leaving your neck for a moment.

“quite the contrary, dear. if anything, i should be thanking you. finally got some fifth year off my ass because of your..handiwork, and i think i should return the favor, seeing how prewett has been eyeing you again recently,” you could feel the smirk on his lips as he spoke against you skin, and instead of arguing, you just nodded along. “good,” was all he said before a harsh nip came at your throat, finally understanding what he meant by him wanting to return the favor. “after i’m done with you, i’m afraid a scarf won’t hide much, MC.”

[plutoccult]

HAIKYUU X THE OFFICE AU — EPISODE FIVE: BOOZE CRUISE

pairing: sugawara koushi x female reader

description: ukai attempts to help the office bond more by booking a booze cruise for his employees… in the middle of winter. meanwhile, tanaka miserably tries to set suga up with his older sister per kiyoko’s suggestion.

word count: 6.5k

also available to read on my ao3 here

author’s note: hey, i changed my user! i was @310802 before, now i’m @plutoccult! i also had to repost this because the original post wasn’t showing up in ANY tags, so i’m sorry if you already read it before i did this! moving on, i was SO EXCITED to write this episode. i know i neglected the katy storyline from the show, so i decided to take the opportunity to somewhat use that for this episode as a little one-off. i think i was clever with its use too… i’m trying to balance the amount of “screen”time between the reader and suga, but some episodes may just end up needing more focus on suga for the sake of the storyline. anyway, the next few weeks is gonna be updates galore, so you’re all gonna be FED. btw, thank you to @dragon-slayer5 for beta reading this! enjoy!

tags: @toorubobatea @intorder @dragon-slayer5 @femme-lune @jeanboyjean @cowgirlikets @imissyuuji @darthferbert @kazuchaos @bakagun1312 @beingbrokenfitsus @mumblepingu @daedaep69 @intheewrld @msbyomimi @sukxma @akari-fujikawa @milkteeboba

taglist form here

suga considered lunchtime to be the only time of day where he could actually catch a break. he seemed to have a hard time catching any sort of breaks lately, especially when it came to his miserable love life. as much as he wanted things to change, today would certainly be no different.

since suga entered the office building this morning, tanaka had his eyes on him like an hawk. it was creepy how every time suga looked away from his computer, tanaka was staring right at him. but why? did he have something on his face? was his hair actually looking gray? no, that would be terrible. there can’t be anything than that.

to hopefully get tanaka’s eyes off him for once, suga got up and headed down to the hallway where the vending machines were. maybe a little snack would ease the unnerving feeling in his stomach. unfortunately, tanaka was already on his way to follow.

suga pondered over his choices, and before he knew it, tanaka’s reflection was seen in the glass of the vending machine. it was like a scene straight out of a horror movie, but suga decided to ignore him and pray he would go away, then continued to ponder over what to pick.

“a little birdie told me something.” tanaka spoke up.

oh no. “what?”

“nothing.” he smirked.

you enter, also looking to use the vending machine. great, just what this moment needed, suga thought.

“hey, guys.” you greet the two men, no clue about what’s going on. it was better if you didn’t know.

“oh, hi, y/n.” suga slightly blushed.

a smirk crept up on tanaka’s face. suga began to wonder about tanaka’s motives even more, but shook it off and picked a bag of sour cream and onion chips before walking back to his desk. tanaka quickly followed behind, which you found weird considering you assumed he was waiting for his turn to use the vending machine. you figured “oh well”, got your snack, and went back to your desk.

you sit down and meet eyes with suga who’s about pop a chip into his mouth. you quickly open up your bag and pull out a chip, doing a little “clink” with your chips from across the room, which suga immediately thought to reciprocate. it was good to know you two were still in sync.

a few minutes later, ukai returned from eating out for lunch, which he typically did almost every day. oh, how you wished you could afford ordering food for lunch all the time like your boss, but alas, you were just the receptionist.

“hello, everyone.” ukai said as he hung up his coat.

“welcome back, ukai.” tanaka replied before loudly whispering in suga’s ear. “i know your secret…”

my god. as much as suga was totally freaked out right now, ukai thought tanaka’s menacing words were directed towards him instead. “what?! i don’t have any secrets!”

suga and tanaka both look into the camera with furrowed eyebrows.

•••

the crew loved putting you and suga together for interviews. and given the drama that’s soon to come, they had to use every opportunity possible.

“so, ukai sent everyone a very interesting email last week.” you say the camera.

“yeah, it was, um… quite the thinker.” suga chuckled.

“mhm. it said, “it's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.” you read out the email from your phone. “i’m not really sure what that exactly equates to…”

“clearly, he wants to us to rob a bank and escape through the sewers afterwards.” suga shrugged. that was totally the obvious conclusion.

“then brush our teeth after a hard time committing crimes?” you jokingly question.

“yeah, exactly.” suga smiled at you, making you blush. you quickly turn to the crew and wonder if they noticed that, but it was obvious they did. the cameras catch everything.

•••

now the question that remained rent-free in everyone’s minds was what the hell ukai could possibly be planning this year. he was never up to any good, always doing something completely out of the box. he was simply incapable of doing anything normal. it made work interesting, but sometimes you all wished ukai take a chill pill for once.

at the most random time, ukai emerged from his office with an announcement. why he always did this, you couldn’t help but wonder, yet you didn’t hesitate to look away from your computer to hear what he had to say this time around.

“everyone, it appears some of you have figured me out.” ukai said to grab everyone’s attention. “so, it is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. drumroll, please.”

no one provides a drumroll, much to ukai’s disappointment. “really? no drumroll? not even you, tanaka?”

“just spit it out already.” tanaka groaned.

“okay, fine.” he sighed before announcing the big news. “i got us a riverboat cruise on the abukuma river! it’s gonna be a booze cruise!”

a booze cruise? god, for a paper company, you guys sure consumed a lot of alcohol. plus, the combination of ukai and a cruise ship already seemed like a total disaster. when you add booze into the mix, it was almost comparable to the end of the world.

ukai received practically cricket noises from his employees, daichi being the one to express what was on everyone’s minds. “ukai, it’s january.”

“so? it was cheaper.” ukai shrugged. if it were any other month, like—hm, who knows—any month in the summer, maybe they’d show a little more excitement.

“and what is up with you and booze?” daichi asked. again, something you’ve all thought about at least once. “this is like when hinata was addicted to mixing buzzballz with every soda known to man.”

“pepsi with the cranberry flavor was the best…” hinata randomly spoke up, remembering that month-long phase last year. it wasn’t pretty, to say the least.

“gross…” kageyama shook his head in disgust.

“you don’t get it like i do, kageyama.” hinata protested.

“what is that supposed to mean?” kageyama raised an eyebrow, ready to start up an argument with his desk neighbor at any given second. typical, of course. you wondered when it would ever get old.

“okay, shut up before you two start making out!” ukai interrupted them before another hr fiasco occurred. again.

“what?!” the two gawked in unison. did they really give off that vibe?

“anyway!” ukai forced a laugh and switched the subject back to the cruise. “just hear me out guys, okay? let me cook. i’m combining fun with education! it’s gonna be mind-blowing.”

“sounds like you just want another excuse to party.”

“it’s not a party, it’s a bonding exercise.” ukai corrected him. “i’m helping us bond. people find lifelong friends in the workplace. others may find the love of their lives.”

ukai was right, shockingly. people do find lifelong friends. suga knew he would always stay friends with daichi for life, and even if tsukishima got on his nerves sometimes, he wasn’t the worst person in the world to be around. there would always be a bond between your coworkers. maybe you were all trauma bonded from dealing with ukai for all these years, but it was an unforgettable bond nonetheless.

suga blushed out of embarrassment from that last statement. some do find the love of their lives. he liked to believe you were the love of his life, swearing he found such a thing his first day at the office. the second he walked through that door and was met with your face, the words “japan pulp and paper, this is y/n. please hold.” coming out of your mouth as you spoke on the phone before setting it down to ask him what he needed. suga knew, right then and there, that he had found his future wife, but oh how he wished he knew back then what he would be in for years later.

even if ukai was oddly onto something for once, not everyone was interested. asahi, who had yet to survive a full year at the office, raised his hand and attempted to opt out of the event. “can i sit this one out? i have… a thing… later…”

“nice try, asahi.” ukai rolled his eyes. “this is mandatory. i better see your beefy ass on that dock tonight.”

“i’m not that beefy…” asahi said with a tinge of red on his cheeks.

“you so are, bro. those glutes go crazy.” nishinoya said confidently.

asahi wasn’t sure why nishinoya was paying attention to that area of his body, but he took the compliment anyway, although continuing to question it. “thank you?”

“glad we got that covered.” ukai said. “now, before we go on this cruise later, we have to talk about safety.”

“you’re literally the most unsafe person here, ukai.” you speak up. if anyone knew ukai best, it would very well be you, always there to deal with his antics and sometimes assist in them. the time you helped ukai hack into a higher up’s email account to prevent a picture of his ass that he accidentally sent being seen would go down in office history. you saved his ass, quite literally.

“ugh, come on!” ukai huffed. “i saw titantic a million times and i refuse to let us all die like leonardo dicaprio!”

•••

“do you think you could save one of your employees in the face of danger?”

“um, hello? i took a swimming class once. of course, i could save one of them.” ukai sassily replied to the documentary crew. “besides, we all know jack and rose could’ve both fit on that door at the end of titanic. james cameron is such a liar.”

•••

later on, suga went to go grab a cup of coffee in the break room. before he knew it, he was being cornered by tanaka, the sound of his name being called practically scaring him shitless. “sugawara koushi.”

“jesus christ.” suga jumped, putting his hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat. “do not use my full name like that ever again.”

“shut up.” tanaka shushed him and pressed his index finger over suga’s mouth to further silence him. “how would you… like to… take my sister as your date for the booze cruise tonight?”

there was no way this could be real life right now, suga thought. being in this position with tanaka was weird enough, but taking his sister as his date? he wasn’t even aware people were taking dates for this. it was no contest who suga truly wanted to take as a date, but of course it wasn’t an option, and he didn’t want to settle.

“your… sister? uh, no thanks.” suga turned the idea down without hesitation. however, tanaka was feeling devious.

“really?” he moved his finger away and crossed his arms with a smirk on his face. “kiyoko told me everything, suga. i know you have feelings for—”

oh no. not again.

“oh my god, shut your fucking mouth!” suga exclaimed with wide eyes, slapping his hands over tanaka’s mouth so he’d be quiet. to hell with censorship, this was critical. at this rate, the whole damn office was going to find out about suga’s pathetic feelings. he was going to end up broke by the time he bribed everyone to keep their mouths shut. his poor wallet and heartstrings can’t suffer any longer.

“woah, woah, woah!” tanaka laughed awkwardly, actually kind of scared over suga’s newfound rage. “language, my man!”

“whatever!” suga yelled “why the hell did she tell you?!”

“well, it was her idea to set you up with my sister, and i wanted to know why, so…” tanaka replied timidly, hoping kiyoko wouldn’t kill him later for pinning part of the blame onto her. well, unless suga didn’t get to her first.

“god fucking dammit.” suga cursed as he walked away from this monstrosity of a conversation. now, where was he off to? to confront kiyoko about the mess she’s made, of course.

“well? are you taking her out or not?!” tanaka yelled out to suga on his way out, receiving a middle finger in response, which will undoubtedly be blurred out in post production. the editing team had a lot of work cut out for them, that’s for sure.

on a mission like his life—and certainly dignity—depended on it, suga stormed up to kiyoko’s desk, where tsukishima and yamaguchi sat across from one another.

“kiyoko.” he towered over her as she sat in her chair, completely unbothered by him. “you were sworn to secrecy.”

“actually, only tsukishima was because you gave him twenty bucks.” kiyoko said. “you didn’t buy my silence.”

well, no wonder she spilled the beans. tsukishima got money, she didn’t. it’s not like kiyoko had asked that day at the christmas party, but suga certainly should have known better than to not doubt her. yamaguchi, however, was one big ol’ question mark. “yamaguchi? what about your silence?”

“i don’t like taking advantage of those less fortunate than me.” yamaguchi replied to him, those savage words coming out so innocent from his voice.

“less fortunate?!” suga gasped. it was beyond insulting, but he couldn’t even be that mad hearing it come from yamaguchi. now, if it were tsukishima talking, he’d insult him right back.

“suga, you need to have eyes on other women.” kiyoko lectured him. it’s not like she was wrong, obviously suga knew that, but the heart wants what it wants, and no matter what, his heart wanted you.

“but did you really have to tell tanaka about it?” suga whined.

tsukishima almost choked on his drink. “you told—”

“quiet.” kiyoko shushed tsukishima. “listen, suga. i’m doing you a favor, okay? just… take saeko out. just once. maybe it could take your mind off you know who for a little while?”

suga didn’t really have much choice, did he? maybe being seen with another woman will throw away any suspicion his coworkers may potentially have. it definitely won’t take his mind off of you, but at the very least, suga could have some sort of benefit from this whole ordeal.

“and will you keep your mouth shut if i do?” he asked, the most important question of all.

“accompanied by some cash, yes.” kiyoko said. why, of course.

giving in, suga let out a sigh as he whipped out his wallet and handed kiyoko money. she took the bill with a smile on her face, slyly putting in it her pocket.

“what about me—” yamaguchi began to say before suga cut him off.

“i’m less fortunate, remember?” he replied sassily, a nod to what yamaguchi said earlier. suga then finally went back to his desk, muttering curses to himself. “assholes.”

•••

“i’m gonna end up killing someone.” suga said to the camera with an unsettling smile, which quickly faded when he realized he couldn’t actually commit murder like he desired in the moment. “actually, i can’t do that. i’m still waiting for gta 6 to come out.”

“what?”

“none of you guys are waiting for gta 6?” he furrowed his eyebrows before pouting when the crew shook their heads no. “aw, come on…”

•••

once the sun set for the night, the employees of japan pulp and paper all met up at the dock for tonight’s booze cruise. ukai, who arrived far too early, waved his arms in the air for his employees, motioning them to board the boat, acting as if he were the captain of it.

“all aboard!”

“isn’t that what people say on trains?” you ask as you arrive with ryo, shocked he’s not totally against coming here tonight. it was safe to assume it’s because of the open bar, when you really thought it through.

“that’s such a stupid question.” ryo scoffed. of course, a part of him hated being around your obnoxious coworkers. that was no surprise, unfortunately.

“whatever.” you sigh. “sorry i asked, i guess…”

meanwhile, suga parked his car in the parking, just now arriving. he hoped he wasn’t late as he really didn’t need to feel tanaka’s and/or kiyoko’s wrath. he may as well feel it regardless of his time of arrival. suga didn’t want this date tonight. that too was no surprise.

as he got out of his car, suga’s eyes landed on the coolest motorcycle he had ever seen. whoever owned it must take really good care of it, like it was their child or something, he thought to himself. suga didn’t think of the motorcycle much further as he heard a car door slam from far away. he turned around, hoping it was you, but it turned out to kiyoko and yachi rushing towards him.

“sugawara!” they yell out.

suga put his hands out in front of him, hoping to shield the two girls away. “oh god, am i being ambushed?”

“no.” kiyoko replied to his question out of breath. she knew quitting track in high school was a terrible idea. “we were waiting for you to arrive.”

“why..?” suga furrowed his eyebrows.

“to make sure you’re ready for tonight.” yachi said on kiyoko’s behalf.

what did he exactly to be ready for? a date he was forced into with a woman he’s never met? frankly, suga he didn’t really want to meet tanaka’s sister. it was nothing against her personally, she just wasn’t you.

“do i need to give you money too, yachi?” he groaned.

“that’s like taking money from charity.” she replied. man, yachi was just as savage as yamaguchi. they’re truly made for each other.

“wow, just wow.” suga said in disbelief. “look, i’m here, isn’t that good enough?”

“no.” kiyoko deadpanned.

he didn’t have time for this bullshit. suga was just going that stupid dock. “i’m walking away.”

“but—” kiyoko and yachi go after him, but can’t seem to keep up.

suga didn’t really think this through. he was just so irritated that he had to get away from kiyoko and yachi. suga didn’t think about where his feet were going, but before he knew it, he was right at the dock, freezing when you saw you with your fiancé. god, he really regretted his life choices right now.

“suga, come here, pretty boy!” he’s snapped back to reality thanks to tanaka calling out his name. without any chance to take a step, kiyoko and yachi creep up behind him and push him to move. you watch the events unravel, wondering what’s going on, but shake it off bring your back to ryo.

suga stumbled to tanaka and an unfamiliar woman. he met eyes with her, a look of shock evidently present on his face. how can someone related to a bozo like tanaka be so… attractive? no. suga couldn’t think like that. she was tanaka’s sister.

“this is my sister, saeko.” tanaka said, waiting for one of them to say something.

“hiya, suga.” saeko extended her hand out for a handshake. “nice to meet you.”

“hello.” suga replied awkwardly, reciprocating the handshake. thank god it was winter. otherwise, they wouldn’t be wearing gloves.

“have her home by midnight.” tanaka joked. “i’m just kidding, she rode herself here.”

“huh?” suga questioned.

“oh, she’s a biker. have fun!” tanaka then walked away to follow kiyoko, who was boarding the ship with yachi. at least suga knew where that awesome motorcycle belonged to.

now alone with saeko, suga turned his head and watched you board the ship with ryo. he looked back to saeko and examined her face for a second before deciding his next action. she was a very pretty woman, but that simply couldn’t fill the void in suga’s heart. he had to be honest while he had the chance. it was only fair.

“listen, saeko… you seem like a really nice girl, but tanaka is only doing this because i’m in love with a girl that works here and wants to help me get over her.” he admitted, a weight lifted off his shoulders after revealing the truth. “i just think i should be honest.”

“oh, i know.” saeko replied bluntly. “he told me all about that.”

suga blinked a couple times and tried to make sure he heard that correctly. “he did?”

“yeah, i’m just doing this because i owe him one.” she shrugged. “besides, i don’t really date older guys.”

“older?” right. the hair. of course.

“i can play wingwoman for ya! don’t worry, pops.” saeko lightly punched him in the arm, followed by an obnoxiously loud laugh. suga looked to the cameras for help, but the crew just stood in their place.

•••

“tanaka…” suga let out a long sigh. “what the hell have you gotten me into?”

•••

after going through all of the safety measures for the cruise, the office were finally allowed to have their fun. it seemed that telling saeko the truth was the best idea suga ever had as she wanted to help him out by trying to make you jealous. well, if that’s even possible, but who knows? it was worth a shot.

suga and saeko walked to you and ryo as you sat together at one of the many tables. their arms were interlinked, surely making some sort of statement.

“y/n, ryo.” suga said to catch your attention, although he ended up catching ryo’s attention more than yours thanks to saeko.

“well, well, well. who’s the pretty lady you brought with you tonight, suga?” ryo asked with a smirk.

you weren’t all that phased until ryo spoke up. saeko wasn’t just pretty to you, she was beautiful, far more than you ever thought of yourself. you can’t remember the last time ryo ever gave you eyes like the ones he was giving saeko now. you weren’t sure who or what you were jealous of right now. the fact that suga was on a date, your fiancé ogling at said date, or that she was so much prettier than you. you cursed yourself in your head for those thought. you didn’t have a right to be jealous of suga. he had every right to date, he was single, you were not.

now that you thought about it, suga never really dated anyone since he started at the office. as far as you knew, at least. you wondered why that was, but it was impossible to pinpoint it down to one reason. you were so painfully blind to the truth.

“uh, this is—” suga began to introduce saeko until she interrupted him.

“saeko. nice to meet you.” she said with a smile.

“she’s tanaka’s sister.” suga added for a little salt in the wound.

“oh…” your eyes widened. you look to ryo and see as he gave suga a high five, telling him he hit the jackpot. you felt sick, and it definitely had nothing to do with the sea.

suga sat next to you, making you in between him and ryo. saeko sat on the end with suga, showing her excitement about the booze cruise. “i feel like we're in high school and we're sitting at the cool table. how fun.”

“yeah.” you reply, trying to remain as chill as possible. you had to keep telling yourself that she wasn’t a villain, she was just a really nice girl who got lucky to be with suga tonight.

“y/n, what were you like in high school?” saeko asked you.

ryo, however, answered the question for you, letting out a cackle as he practically insulted you in front of the whole table. “oh, she was a total, total dork. it took her getting pretty in college for me to notice her.”

“ha! that’s hilarious!” saeko giggled, nudging suga to laugh as she thought this would work with their plan, but he didn’t find it funny whatsoever. it was completely insulting to you.

“it’s really not…” suga muttered to himself.

“where did you go to school?” ryo asked saeko.

“karasuno.” she replied instantly.

“woah… you guys had the tiny giant, didn’t you?” ryo gasped, referring to a well known former high school volleyball player. despite being at his peak, he retired after graduating high school, never once playing professionally. everyone always wondered about what could’ve been, including ryo, who was one of the many people that heard the tale of the tiny giant.

“yeah, i went to school with him.” saeko bragged. it was far from a humble brag, it was awesome.

“woah! what was he like?” ryo questioned in amazement.

“uh… tiny, i guess?” saeko shrugged. she wasn’t quite sure how to answer that question as she never knew the guy personally, just passed him in the hallways on occasion.

suddenly, the cupid shuffle blared through the speakers. nishinoya had taken over the music and started to play his own playlist, claiming the dj “sucked ass” and decided to take matters into his own hands. there wasn’t much protest as everyone began dancing together, including saeko and ryo who get up from the table and decide to join in on the dance.

suga watched the sight, glad to finally have a moment just with you, but when he turned his head to say something to you, it seemed as if you disappeared. of course, he wondered where you went off to, and decided to find you.

you stood alone, leaning your back against the railing of the boat and rubbing your hands together for warmth. it all became overwhelming for you too quickly, and you figured ryo wouldn’t notice you leaving anyway. even so, it still shocked you when suga noticed, finding you in your lonely spot.

“getting too rowdy?” he asked you.

“mhm…” you nod as you shiver a little.

“yeah, i’m not really a fan of making my ears bleed.” suga said to lighten things up. he wondered if this was a good time to admit the truth about the whole saeko thing, that it was all a set up to get your attention because he was in love with you, but before he had the chance, you blurted out something he didn’t expect out of you.

“sometimes i just don't get ryo.”

suga gulped as his eyes widened for a brief second. “oh…”

“i mean, i don't know. it’s whatever.” you shake the feeling off. why were you saying this to suga anyway? it wasn’t his burden to carry. “so... what's it like going out with tanaka’s sister?”

“oh, um...” suga struggled to answer the question. a long silence followed, making you both feel awkward. there was so many things the two of you could say to each other right now.

“i'm cold.” you say with a faint laugh before heading back to your coworkers, suga following not long after. it was easy just to ignore the unspoken tension.

•••

“how’s the booze cruise going so far?”

“kind of wish things were different right about now.” suga forced a laugh. it was clear he was in pure misery. “haha… i need a drink.”

•••

you return to the group, scanning the area. ryo was chatting it up with one of his coworkers from the warehouse, chugging drinks together and sharing a laugh. you then see kiyoko and yachi pull suga by his arm, seemingly yelling at him for reasons you weren’t sure of whatsoever. your choices of where to go were limited, so you return to your table and see saeko sitting alone with a beer. it seemed like a good idea to have a friendly chat with her.

“hey.” you sit down next to her.

“hey.” she greeted you, taking a swig of her beer bottle.

“i never really liked beer.” you say, trying to start up a conversation. whatever topic worked, you were fine with. as adults, talking about alcohol seemed like the best bet.

“oh, you don’t?” saeko questioned. “you just have to find the right brand, honestly. some taste like shit.”

“ha, yeah.” you quietly laugh and rest your face in your hand. saeko immediately noticed the ring on your finger, even if it’s lost its sparkle as the years have gone by.

“woah, nice ring.” she said in amazement.

you look at your ring, shocked by the compliment. it wasn’t anything special, but you appreciated it anyway. “oh, thank you.”

“i'd like to be engaged.” saeko sighed. “how did you manage to pull that off?”

“uh, i've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight, so... you don't wanna ask me for any advice.” you force a laugh. god, you‘d kill for the waiting game to finally end.

unbeknownst to you, ryo overheard what you said, and he decided that tonight was the best night to finally take some action when you least expected it.

•••

“what do you think of saeko?”

such an awkward question for the crew to ask you, don’t you think? even so, you had to answer it without making a complete fool of yourself.

“she’s nice.” you shrug. it technically wasn’t a lie, but you sure quickly pulled it out of your ass. “really pretty too. crazy to think she’s related to tanaka…”

“but what about suga taking her as his date tonight?” and there’s the stinger. you didn’t have a right to be jealous, did you?

“uh… doesn’t really matter what i think, i’d say.” you say timidly and look away from the camera.

•••

out of nowhere, ryo got ahold of the dj’s microphone, seemingly about to make an announcement. what the announcement was, you didn’t know, but you sure as hell were scared to know what it would be.

“everybody, could i have your attention for just a second? could you guys listen to me for a second?” he said into the microphone.

everyone stopped what they were doing to look at ryo. suga had a terrible feeling this wasn’t going to be any good, at least not for him.

“i was just, um…” ryo paused before he dropped the ultimate bomb in front of everyone. “y/n, i think enough is enough. i think we should set a date for our wedding. how about june tenth?”

your eyes widen in shock and you find everyone’s eyes are on you. suga swore he felt his heart drop, desperately waiting for your answer like everybody else. wasn’t this what you wanted? to finally get married? it was hard to think that this was real life. you almost wished time would just stop for a second, but the time kept ticking as you had yet to say a thing.

“well, what do you say?” ryo asked.

before you said anything, you immediately look for suga. he was supposed to be your knight in shining armor, you thought, but now when you desperately needed his saving, he was nowhere to be found. maybe this was a sign that you should say yes. after all, you said yes the first time, right?

“okay..?” you answer.

the room felt silent before everyone erupted into cheers, you the least excited person present. “she said okay!”

you’re ushered to get up and head to ryo. he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and planted a big kiss on your temple. it might as well be the most affectionate he’s been towards you in a very long time, but of course, it was when he had a large group of eyes all on him. while part of you was happy you finally began to see a light at the end of the tunnel, the other part of you felt that this was all just for show. but maybe things will be different. you always think that, but you wanted to think that it would really be different this time.

ukai hopped to you and ryo, quickly hugging you and sharing his excitement for you two. “woah, congratulations, you guys! i knew it would happen eventually!”

“did you?” you raise an eyebrow, looking back on all those past jokes about your engagement.

“uh, yes, y/n. of course, i did.” ukai replied sarcastically. he actually didn’t see this coming, but he wanted in on the attention. “now you have to let me give you away!”

“uh, no thank you.” you quickly shut the idea down. even when all the attention was on you (and your fiancé), your mind still went back to suga. he should be here celebrating with you. you wanted him here. he was your best friend, after all. “um, where’s suga?”

“i don’t know, i thought he was right—“ ukai looked around and saw he was nowhere in sight. “oh, seems he vanished.”

“i should—“ you began to say before ukai cut you off.

“no, no. i’ll go find him.” he insisted. “go celebrate!”

“yeah, okay…” you frown as you watch ukai walk away to find suga.

ukai searched around for suga for quite a bit. when he disappeared, he really took it seriously. it was like he vanished out of thin air. ukai hoped he didn’t jump off the ship or something, and luckily before he could cause a scene over a potentially missing employee, suga was found.

“hey, suga.” he said to him. “you, uh, disappeared, man. did you hear the news?”

“uh-huh. i sure did.” suga said, looking down at the deep, dark ocean, almost as dark as his heart had become after what just happened. you finally set a wedding date. it was a day suga dreaded for god knows how long. he always went back and forth wondering whether the day would actually come, but now that’s it’s here, it was a nightmare turned brutal reality.

“something wrong?” ukai asked suga.

“i just…” he paused, tempted to speak up about how he felt, but kept it to himself. “mmm, nope. it’s stupid.”

“i’m the master of stupid things. you can tell me.” ukai said.

it was just the two of them. for some reason, suga felt like he could actually confide in his boss right now. maybe telling him what was wrong wouldn’t be such a bad idea. “i just… i didn’t think they’d ever actually plan to get married.”

“who? y/n and ryo?” ukai questioned. “what, do you like her or something?”

the look on suga’s face said it all. it showed a man who was desperately in love with a woman that simply wasn’t his. it was all so clear now.

“oh my god, you like y/n.” he said, followed by a faint gasp.

suga let out a sigh. he didn’t need to say a thing, ukai just knew. it was a shock he never figured it out before, really. everyone else seemed to find out easily once suga started to slip up in his facade.

“i can’t believe i never noticed before!” ukai exclaimed. “you two are always smiling and giggling with each other, how could i be so blind? holy cow.”

“tsukishima figured it out at the christmas party.” suga said with a frown. “it’s only a matter of time before she figures it out too.”

“and is that so bad?” ukai asked. it seemed like such a simple yes or no question, but the only way suga knew how to answer it was by pouring his heart out, spewing all the things he kept shoved down his throat for the longest time. it was always bound to come up one way or another.

“ukai, it’s not that i just like her… i love her. i’m in love with everything about her. i adore her. she’s sweet, funny, and she just has this aura… i can’t describe it.” he spoke from the heart, the only way he knew how when it came to you. “she’s beautiful inside and out. i would do anything to give her the world. i worship the rain that waters the grass that grows on the ground she walks on. my heart beats louder for her than it ever has for anyone else, and…”

“and… what?” ukai questioned.

“i don’t want her to marry him. i want her to be with me.” suga cried out, covering his face with his hands out of embarrassment. how could he say something so selfish out loud? the thought felt safer in his head, but even so, he would have burst if he kept it in any longer. “god, it’s so fucking stupid. i’m such an idiot.”

suga had been suffering in silence for too long, and ukai could clearly see that. it pained him to see one of his best employees in this state of despair. “suga, if that’s how you truly feel… then don’t give up. tell her how you feel.”

“she’s engaged, ukai. i can’t.” suga shook his head no. such a prosperous thing to suggest now. it was easy to think he could reveal his feelings when he knew there wasn’t a wedding date in sight, but wouldn’t it be so silly now to beg you to cancel the wedding? he felt like a tall child with all these thoughts eating him up.

“so? engaged ain’t married.” ukai shrugged. “besides, you’re way better than ryo.”

it was weird to have ukai on his side. was he not just celebrating with you? maybe suga’s heartfelt speech gave him a change of heart, or maybe he always saw something there without truly realizing what that something was. maybe ukai always knew you deserved better than a lowlife like ryo.

“why are you saying this?” suga questioned ukai. “i thought you’d be excited about the world’s longest engagement finally reaching its end.”

“i don’t know. i just… when i look at her with ryo versus with you, i think there’s a clear winner. you two have something special, and i wouldn’t give up hope, suga.” he replied. “maybe one day you should just… take a chance and see what she says. you never know what’s going on in that mind of hers.”

“you think so?” suga asked.

ukai nodded without hesitation. “never, ever give up.”

overcome with emotion, suga suddenly decided to wrap his arms around ukai. what’s crazy was that it didn’t even feel weird. ukai may be the most insane boss ever, but no matter what, he always had his way of showing he had his employees backs. when suga needed him most, ukai was right there, telling him words he didn’t know he needed to hear, and turned out to be what he needed the most.

“okay.” suga sniffled into ukai’s shoulder, holding him tighter than before. “i won’t.”

ukai really didn’t want to ruin such a heartfelt moment, but he felt like the life was being sucked out of him. “suga, you… you’re suffocating me.”

“oh.” suga quickly let go of him. “sorry.”

“it’s okay, but don’t forget what i told you.” ukai said, gently poking where suga’s heart was. “that’s an order from your boss.”

suga thought that tonight was the end of the world, but it turned out that he still had reason to have hope. maybe ukai was just feeding his delusions, but it sure felt nice knowing someone had his back and believed in him, that his feelings weren’t foolish. besides, a lot can happen between now and june, right?

© plutoccult / 310802. please do not copy, repost, modify, or translate any of my content in or outside of tumblr. reblogs are appreciated <3

[gastersans]

Hey guys!

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately. It’s not fair to people I care very much about to be silent! The long story short is that life hits you very fast and all at once sometimes on many levels, and my unfortunate tendency in hectic mode is to shut out and focus on just getting to the next day. It’s no excuse, of course, but I do hope you understand—and I hope you all are hanging in there as well.

I’m not sure when I can return to writing again, but I hope to. It always seems like I’m waiting to have some time and energy, but I think I’m just going to have to intentionally build a block for the creative things important to me among everything. Even if I’m not publishing anything, I am always thinking about it in one part of my mind. I love those stories, and I’m so glad to share them with you.

Thank you to anyone who was checking in! I love you all always, even if I don’t have the words to reply—and I’m always going to try to better show that.

Tl;dr below the cut: details of life been going on.

:read more:

Thanks for being curious! I’ll try to be as brief as I can, but I have traditionally failed at every attempt at that in these posts. To be honest, the past year or two has been a bit of a blur, so I’ll just talk in generalities rather than a specific timeline.

Everything at work changed at the organizational level. Unfortunately I can’t say much about it—for personal reasons, which I know is odd to say. My work is mixed in with family ties, justices and beliefs I advocate for, etc, so I can’t talk too much about it—but boy is that lasagna layered. That dynamic alone is both a hugely important but often very stressful to navigate in of itself.

Among the organizational change, my position drastically changed—I went from clinician to a manager of the sizeable department I worked for—and then a couple months later inherited a second, nearly double the size department to manage on top of it when my fellow manager left.

Right as my position was changing for the first time, my dad—living states away—got sick with some still undiagnosed illness. Bizarre body movements, signs of a stroke but no evidence found—not Parkinson’s, though the symptoms seem somewhere between it and a slow rolling dementia. If you’d like to read a small loving rant about my dad: My father is the most wonderful, kindest, politest, humblest human who is also a literal unrecognized hero twice over—he dedicated his entire life his two jobs. One was his role as an assistant Harbormaster—not infrequently rescuing people, lost in dark seas in the dead winter nights (among much grimmer tales)—a job which got paid pennies for, with decades-old resources and, if he was lucky, his name might be pages deep in the local paper. The second job was as a teacher in the worst school in the city next door—and he taught the “behavioral needs” kids. He was stabbed multiple times—the final time was in the stomach, shortly after he had come back from his leave after battling prostate cancer. He understood the kids were sick, or needed help. In addition to being a great teacher (I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but my dad often help walk us through homework to ensure we knew it—requested or not), my dad would take his students to different places��� the beach for a wildlife lesson, or the local laser tag place just for fun they often couldn’t afford)—on his own dime. He tried to give them an education about the world and life, and not just books they had given up trying to read. Jeeze, sorry, I need to be able to do a cut under this cut. I could go on for days.

After that attack, my dad has had much random issues, landing him in the hospital and my family in crisis mode one time after another. We find (but never confirm) that the neurological attack might be from an infection in his knee—a botched or failing knee replacement (his third—standing on a choppy boat or at a chalkboard all day is murder on your knees). The infection has spread terribly. We nearly lose him. He continues to show cognitive decline. He improves. He gets pneumonia, we nearly lose him again. He comes back to us for a while. A random night a few weeks later, the mesh in his stomach from his prostate cancer a decade ago has failed and is suddenly twisted around his intestine (they guess related to the coughing/pneumonia). We nearly lose him again. He survives. He needs a knee replacement surgery now, but they don’t know if he can handle it or the risk of infection. He survives. Theyve noticed something wrong with his heart. He has heart surgery, survives. Another heart surgery, survives again. All the while continuing to cognitively decline. He’s a brilliant man—it’s heartbreaking to see, but I know he’s still in there all the while.

I know I missed some things above. As all of this is going on, I’m flying back and forth between states, trying to manage two departments that were previously handled by two incredibly competent, incredibly busy people that is now just me. The work is important, there’s pressures of family legacy involved, it’s nonprofit and clinical and complex and often dealing with very serious physical, mental health, ethical or even legal matters.

And, of course, trying to balance the normal things of life—making time for friends and family, trying to maintain (and sustain) my home, dating and now maintaining a beloved partnership… These things are also important. And then my parents were here for just the summer, so I’m trying to spend each moment I can stand to spare with them, in that horrid phase where it’s in your face of how little time may be left. And of course, there are the other things—other loved ones lost, trying to do what you can and pay attention to the important things in the world, trying to enjoy sitting holding my cat’s paw while marathoning YouTube and a phone game after a long day at work.

Again, I hope to be back to things someday. In my free time I write snippets, dream scenarios. I miss the writing—and the people—and it’s hard to find a pinhole to carve out for any time for myself. I’m trying, I’m trying, and I love you all.

Hope to talk more soon.

[wildstar25]

things that im thinking about in that birthday comic still cause i spent a lot of brain juice on it and I need everyone to know:

how much love g'raha has in his eyes when he's looking at Arsay

Y'shtola distracting Arsay with a kiss because oh gods she's using her brain and will figure out the surprise before it happens

The implication that either Arsay had attempted to read one of Y'shtola's books and only managed to get a little way through it OR that Y'shtola was reading one of Arsay's books (and was most likely not even research material. but the other scions cant know that so shes being vague.)

going back to that one wol question: arsay wouldnt fold the page edge but would use whatever she could find in her pockets as a bookmark

It was definitely G'raha's idea to surprise Arsay because he knew she wouldn't accept a party being thrown for her for reasons outside of WOL saving the world stuff

everyone's casual but nice outfit. It took a whole day just to figure those ones out! obvs graha and shtola are my favourites but thancred and krile are close seconds.

Arsay not being able to control her own cry reflex

Arsay looking so baby

Seriously this panel took so long

Arsay, definitely not fine, saying she is fine. its a reflex.

I mentioned in the tags but shes mostly upset over the fact people stopped everything on short notice to do something for her. She loves it, but she feels unbelievably guilty for it. She doesn't want to be a burden on those she cares so much about! That and her ever wavering self-worth compound into this really terrible mindset of "people shouldnt do things for me. I can only do things for them"

The only reason g'raha didnt rush over when Arsay started crying is because she asked for a moment and even if it was killing him he respects she needs space. Also he probably was not expecting her to cry as much as she did. Though he of all people understands sometimes it just happens like that.

Y'shtola knowing to re-frame the situation to arsay as a "duty" as a way to get Arsay out of her own head. She knows Arsay better than anyone (aside from G'raha).

Y'shtola showing some softness but its still very stern in delivery.

At the end of the day arsay is still offering someone else the first slice of cake. She wouldnt take it for herself. She'll only eat when her friends have had their fill. even if the cake is for her.

Arsay does not need to ask for a knife cause you know she has one on her

[christylove94]

Everlasting - Part Seven - IV

Pairing: Dongfang Qingcang/Xiao Lanhua

Chapter Tags: AU elements, angst

“Yunzhong had been increasingly erratic over the few months before the second war,” Changheng informs her after they leave Da Mutou standing behind, a brittle figure in the sunlit field. 

She attempts to keep the disheartenment wearing down his features from her mind as she learns of the happenings within the Fairy Realm. Her former home until she became Moon Queen of the Cangyan Sea. 

“He rambled a lot at random times and raved about how the Moon Tribe needed to be exterminated at all costs. His punishments were never lenient, always harsh, similar to… what happened with you.”

She keeps her eyes ahead, neither acknowledging or disregarding his mention of that harrowing time. She simply… exists beyond it without a word. 

Changheng does not press further. “The fairies started to feel uneasy. Few know that he even called for war again, even though we had agreed to one hundred years of peace. When he slaughtered ten fairy women after claiming they were ‘devils of the Cangyan Sea hidden among us’, he was locked away.”

She stops at this.

“I sense that Fairy Danyin has Moon Blood in her. Has she been okay within the Fairy Realm?” she queries in as neutral of a tone she can manage.

She senses his gaze upon her features, but keeps her face placid.

“Fairy Danyin is doing well. In fact, she aspires to be the next Goddess of War after me,” he answers in a tone she used when speaking of Jieli, Shangque, or even Fairy Danyin in the past. “When it became clear that madness had taken root within Yunzhong, there was no choice but to send him to the Fairy Guillotine and have his immortal bones removed. The position for Emperor was offered to me, but I did not want it. Sansheng was elevated to Empress. In my opinion, there is no one better suited.”

Changheng moves to stand before her. “None of this will delay our wedding, Goddess Xiyun. I will fulfill my duty.” 

She hardly hears the news beyond Emperor Yunzhong’s execution. 

Her mind reels with revelations. She tries not to feel a perverse sense of satisfaction by the news. In fact, she attempts desperately to smother the emotion under the weight of will power alone. But something she had not put together until this moment causes her heart to skip a beat as relief, gratitude, and an unending wealth of love all threaten to choke her up.

What she had off-handedly read about Black Slash in Da Mutou's cultivation book, what he said to her as he held her with bruising strength so she wouldn't suffocate in terror that night.

He will suffer for this. You have my word, Xiǎo Huāyāo. Infinitely more than you can ever imagine. And then he will die, one way or another. By my hand, when the opportunity presents itself.

“He's always taking care of me,” she rasps under her breath. 

She closes watering eyes, feels the warmth of the gleaming sun, smells the purity of the land and feels for just a moment that her husband stands with her, a dark smirk lifting his mouth and relish glinting within his eyes at having fulfilled his morbid promise. 

Yunzhong had been responsible for many terrible things in the supposed name of Heaven, including the continued oppression of the Cangyan Sea. If she had not had her second life, she wouldn't have been affected by such information. But having seen the people of all three realms, she sees his removal as a blessing to all people and wishes she could hold her husband in her arms and thank him for it from the bottom of her heart. 

“Goddess…?” 

Her eyes snap open, willed to remain dry, but she can see in the roundness of his eyes, his mouth parted around a stunned breath that he knows her secret. He is close enough to have seen, close enough to have heard her. She feels her pulse jumping up her throat, but something in her gut maintains her calm before the scenarios of her husband discovering can send her into a panic. 

She waits.

He closes the gap between them a tentative step more, his throat bobbing with a visible swallow. “Little… Little Orchid?”

She slides her eyes up to his. “I am Goddess Xiyun… and I am also Orchid.”

His mouth splits open with glee, features bright in a way that distinctly reminds her of Xiao Run. A smile quirks her lips despite herself.

His breath catches when his expression softens to relieved bliss and suddenly her hand is held between his. 

Her smile drops.

“I can't believe it. You're… you're really her. I…”

She feels walls shooting up steeply as her affability recedes. 

His look is imploring as he shifts a step closer. “I will keep this secret. There is a reason you revealed this to me while refusing to reunite with him. Is it that, after he hurt you dearly, you… no longer love him? And you now love me?”

She retrieves her hand from him as if fleeing from caustic burns. 

A ripple of despair crumples his features. For a moment, he can't seem to look at her. “You still love him. Then why…?”

“The Evil God Tai Sui has become the greatest threat to the world again,” she states the cold, bitter fact. 

“As the Goddess, I am destined to die in order to put an absolute end to him. It is better for Dongfang Qingcang to believe me to have been dead for a decade, than to have me for a short while, only to lose me again. I would rather crawl through broken glass than put him through that loss again, Changheng,” she says with a bite she can't contain, an iciness seeping from her glare. 

His eyes shake for a split instant before they drop from her own beneath the clench of his eyebrows. “But you told me,” he points out, voice tight. When he looks at her again, his eyes are bright with accusation, wet with hurt, fists clenching at his sides. “Did you ever consider my feelings? How it would be for me to marry you and have to watch you die?” 

He is guilty of removing memories of hers as well. However, the return of those back then would have done nothing in his favor. At their first meeting, she had viewed him as a friend the way she sees Jieli: someone she enjoys the company of and would protect as any good friend would. He unfortunately saw more in her. 

She softens in heartfelt empathy. “I apologize…”

Tears slip from his hold, unappeased. 

“But Dongfang Qingcang took me as his wife in secret long before the second war was declared between the Immortals and Moon Tribe. I am his wife,” she declares with a raised chin that dares him to claim otherwise. 

His jaw tightens, his eyes go flinty, but he says nothing in protest.

“I only go through with this wedding to you for the assurance that he, and everyone else, will live on in peace. You and I have a covenant to face this great evil together. But make no mistake.” She feels the strength of the Goddess aura within her press up against her flesh and blaze within her steely gaze. “Even if my demise weren't in the very near future, our marriage would be in name only. I belong to Dongfang Qingcang and him alone.”

“He tampered with my memories,” he points out, teeth gritted and eyes narrowed, appearing utterly embittered. 

She says nothing, hoping he knows she does not regret being an accomplice to the event.

He shakes his head. “I wasn't going to add that to Yunzhong's reason to start a war. My brother was going to attempt to annihilate the Moon Tribe no matter what.” He looks off into the distance, chest heaving from visibly restrained anger, looking more riled than she has ever known him. 

He pins her with a sudden searing look. “I didn't want to be a part of that war at first. You had made it clear who you continued to choose. But I should have brought it up.” He smacks a hand up his chest, voice turning harsh with desperation. “I could have taken you away! Dongfang Qingcang is the reason you died!” 

“That's right,” she shouts back, stance unshakable, “and I would make the same choice over and over for an eternity, Changheng!” Her eyes begin to burn as her bleeding heart is ruthlessly squeezed. “Killing myself saved him and everyone else. And I must do the same again.” 

Her vision swims before tears shatter down her cheeks. The pain. The pain within as her heart is crushed within the grip of anguish is enough to shake her apart, enough to make her want to fold her arms around herself as she silently weeps before him. But she doesn't move, needing to stand her ground. 

His expression sort of drops as he lets out a defeated huff of a laugh and a single shake of his head which releases more tears down his own pale cheeks. “He truly means that much to you.” It’s not meant to be a question.

She answers anyway.

“He is the reason I take each breath, the reason my heart continues to beat. I think of him each morning and in the dead of night. He is who I turn to in woe, and who I turn to in joy. Who I seek for comfort, and seek as a wife does her husband. I would choose to live a life of eternal torture than see him hurt if I could stop it.” Emotion constricts her throat too tight, so she draws back the sleeve on her right arm and says no more.

Finds marginal relief in the awe, dismay, and heartbreak it inspires in the twist in his features. Perhaps now he can truly begin to move on.

He looks up at her with pained eyes. “But what about our—”

“Gone with the start of this third life.”

[rose-of-oz]

"books mean more to me than people anyway" for Enola Holmes

Thank you so much for this!! (And I'm also gonna tag @auxiliarydetective since she's Enola's biggest fan. <3)

�� ❥ —

"Ah, Miss Holmes, here you are."

At the sudden sound of a voice, Enola's head snapped up, her eyes darting to where the source of the sound seemed to be coming from. She found Captain Nemo standing in the doorway of the Nautilus's library, watching her where she sat with a thick book in her lap, an amused twinkle in his eyes.

"Captain," Enola greeted, then looked around her, attempting to locate any clocks that might be nearby. "I apologize if you were looking for me."

"Not to worry, Miss Holmes," the captain replied, stepping futher into the library with his hands behind his back. "There was no pressing matter you were needed for. It was only that young Mister Sawyer became rather anxious when you did not make yourself known for three hours."

"Three hours?" Enola exclaimed with surprise, her eyes widening. She quickly closed the book in her lap, setting it on a nearby desk made of polished wood. "I am terribly sorry if I worried anyone, Captain, it's only that..." She smiled sheepishly. "Well, your library is just so lovely."

And it truly was, especially for a library in a submersible. The room itself was not terribly large, but it was very elegant, made up of the same polished and pale stone and metal as the rest of the ship. Thick, dark carpets with intricately woven silver patterns lay underfoot, a reading corner with overstuffed white and grey armchairs, one of which Enola currently sat in, a few writing desks made of pale wood scattered throughout, and most importantly, the three rows of white-painted shelves absolutely stuffed with books of all kinds. Many of them where written in either Hindi, Tamil, or Urdu, none of which Enola spoke, but the selections she had found in English had all proven to be amazing reading - which she supposed was the reason she'd lost so much time in this room.

"It is completely alright, child," Nemo assured her, smiling gently as he came to sit in the armchair across from her. He folded his hands in his lap and regarded her with his usual calm, kind gaze. "I confess, I have often spent many an hour here myself, forgetting the rest of the world." The captain's smile grew more amused. "Though I greatly enjoy spending time with my crew, I admit I have often found books to be better companions than people."

Enola let out a small laugh. "I am much the same, Captain. It... may be a mark against my character to say so, but I find that books mean more to me than people, anyway."

"Oh?" Nemo replied, tilting his head to the side slightly. Enola felt a bit of a blush working its way up her neck for a moment, but it quickly receded once she realized that Nemo looked genuinely curious rather than judgmental. "And why is that, may I ask?"

"You may," Enola answered on pure mannerly instinct, before pausing and taking a moment to think about how to phrase her answer. She knew her own mind and reasons, of course, but it wasn't as if anyone had ever asked her to explain her devoted attachment to books, and she suspected it was because no one had ever quite cared to know the answer. Even Sherlock and Mycroft, as much as they had always attempted to connect with her, had never bothered to ask why she so loved to sit for hours with her nose in a book on the ancient Grecian militaries or a tomb containing old Irish folktales.

It made her incredibly happy, that she was know around people who cared about her enough to ask things like this. Which was why she wanted to give Captain Nemo the best answer she could.

"I believe... I believe it's because books are much easier to read than people," Enola said after she thought she had properly formatted her response. "People are rather easy for me to read, of course, but there are still layers of body language and facial movements and the state of one's clothes to sift through before I have a hope of knowing about someone. Books are so much more open - even in a novel, where there is often some element of surprise to be had, whatever secrets and meaning are there to be found are printed plainly on the page. There is no analyzing when it comes to books; you need only open their covers, and any secrets they might have are offered up to you directly."

A faint flush on her cheeks, and knowing she was about to reveal something very vulnerable to the man sitting across from her, Enola met Captain Nemo's eyes. "I suppose... I suppose I've always enjoyed that. Getting to experience the same amount of information as anyone else reading a book. To feel normal, if even just a little bit."

Finished her confession, Enola bit her lip and stared down at the clasped hands in her lap, and for a moment, silence settled over the library - not an uncomfortable one, but one of processing and understanding. When eventually she looked back up, Captain Nemo was looking directly at her, his eyes warm and kind.

"Miss Holmes," he said. "If you would allow, I would very much like to stay and read alongside you for a while. Perhaps we may learn some openly-offered secrets together."

Warmth rising in her chest, Enola beamed. "I would like that very much, Captain. Very much."

But, she thought to herself as the captain rose and wandered into the shelves, she liked people wanting to understand her the way she and her brothers understood everyone else much better.

[tinkertoysdamn]

Tag Games, Baby! from @homoeroticfisticuffs

- rules: answer and tag nine people you want to get to know better and catch up with.

favorite color: Blue or red, I look good in both.

last song: I Will Dare by the Replacements. I was listening to a certain soundtrack in the car....

currently reading: Ugh, I'm not reading anything not work related at the moment but I did recently finish a murder mystery from the 1940s called something like Tainted by Death. A missing snood was instrumental to solving the case. I like my noir books written by ladies, what can I say.

currently watching: We started re-watching LA!OP last night, but we just finished Hit Monkey which is terrific.

currently craving: gonna be eating lunch soon, this curried chicken salad better be good.

coffee or tea: I love tea. Tea is my friend. When it gets cold I will consume more.

hobby to try: to try? Whatever I do it should be gentle on my hands, I'm terrible to them. But I've started doing some gardening stuff and I'm attempting to propagate some ice plants. I need them to take over as ground cover in my front yard. Kill the weeds. Kill the weeds.

current au: huh, I'm not really writing an AU this exact second. But I do want to do a short coda to the arranged marriage AU where they rescue Mantis. (and to explain why Peter doesn't mention her the whole story)

tagging (ugh, I might be short and none of you need to do this if you don't have time): @asoeiki @azuresquirrel @fend13th @ai-kue

[caddeter]

Skimming through the RWDE tag after the Volume 9 final aired reminds me of how the FNDM will defend the show by saying ‘people make mistakes’ and ‘the writers are only human’ because now the show seems to be sending that message.  It also reminded me that I wrote over 1000 words explaining why I think that’s terrible.

‘People make mistakes’ is the absolute worst argument in defense of something that I have every heard. I find it even more insulting than the infamous ‘don’t like, don’t watch,’ because it implies that putting effort into your craft is optional.  What this argument says is that I am in the wrong for expecting anything more than garbage. You are legitimately saying, ‘It could have been better, but you’re wrong for saying so.’  Yes, I realize that nobody is perfect and that they are going to screw up every now and again.  That’s why I’m criticizing it.  I mean, when was the last time you heard people get criticized for doing something right.

This argument of ‘people make mistakes so you can’t complain’ also ignores the moment after, where they look back on what they did wrong and learn from it.  That’s why we make mistakes, so that we can grow as people.   Why should we try to improve ourselves if we’re already ‘good enough.’ ‘People make mistakes,’ is a fact of life, but that does not mean we should throw up our hands and give up all attempts to get better and it certainly doesn’t mean we should accepting bad stories.

But enough about my philosophy on mistakes, let’s talk about this one, specifically how situational it is:

Twilight is recognized across the globe as one of the worst books ever written.  Even ignoring the way it bastardizes the concept of Vampires, it’s a story that reads less like a romance and more like a drug addiction. The lead characters have all the chemistry of a brick and a dead rat.  The relationship it tries to push as beautiful and grand is downright abusive at points.  And this isn’t even getting into all the misogyny and racism and pedophilia in those books.  But people make mistakes, so I guess we shouldn’t hold it against Myers.

Sword Art Online is one of the most infamous anime there is.  Despite its large following, whenever someone looks over it with a critical lens, they come to the conclusion that it’s utter crap.  The plot and worldbuilding are inconsistent. The characters (Kirito especially) exist more to fill out roles in a fantasy than as actual people.  It’s all about making Kirito look good and ensuring he comes out better than when he came in, no matter what.  It goes out of its way to include some kind of sexual assault of the lead female character in a given arc with no respect for the subject matter, to the point where it’s hard to tell if Reki Kawahara thinks rape is the worst crime a man could commit or if he has a fetish for it.  But people make mistakes, so the critics are more in the wrong for making videos on it.

In spite of (Or rather, because of) its troubled production, Sonic 06 is one of the worst video games in existence.  It’s so glitchy, it borders on unplayable.  The story is bland at best, flat out terrible at worst.  The new characters it introduced were all unlikable for one reason or another.  Level design was horrendous and boring.  People have made numerous videos and blogposts explaining why it is one of Sonic’s worst games, if not one of the worst games period.  But people make mistakes, so we should stop complaining.

Post season 4, Spongebob Squarepants took a downward dive.  Characters became little more than one unlikable trait.  It crossed the line from mischief to malice, so good characters suffered while the bad ones triumphed.  It was extremely evident that they had already run out of ideas, because they kept rehashing the same episode plot over and over again and needed to pad out some episodes.  But people make mistakes, so they should never have tried to fix this.

Lucy is the most boring movie I ever sat through.  It’s just ‘This girl gains reality altering powers, be amazed at how easy everything is for her.’ There is never any point where she is in any sort of real danger or anything actually threatens her.  She loses all empathy for her fellow man and has no problem throwing them away like broken toys (In an Asian country when our main character is white, mind you), yet it expects you to see her as the good guy throughout. Instead of being terrified by her rampage, it expects you to be amazed.  And maybe that would have worked if it used said reality altering powers in more creative ways.  But people make mistakes, so I guess it’s a good movie.

I could go on for ages and never run out of examples for any given form of media.  And this is all ignoring examples that are actively malicious, like stories that are intentionally sexist, racist, or homophobic.

And then there’s that other group of people this argument conveniently doesn’t apply to:  The critics.  If people make mistakes and you think we should just ignore that, then you can’t challenge the critics on any ground, because they made a mistake by talking about the writer’s mistakes.  If we are not allowed to judge your writer, then why are you allowed to judge ours?

Not to mention how this logic is almost self-refuting. When you say this, what you are saying is that the only thing wrong with the criticism is that it is criticism.

Furthermore, this argument also somewhat undermines the effort other artists and writers will put into their craft in order to make something as best as they possibly could. If we should all just accept when someone fails to make something good, then why should we recognize how Fictional Games ensured that Amnesia The Dark Descent had an atmosphere which on its own could leave you terrified rather than relying on cheap jumpscares?  Why should we praise Tatsuya Endo’s writing for blending heartfelt, humorous, and action-packed when he wrote SpyXFamily? Why should we celebrate Avatar the Last Airbender not just for its amazing story of multiple cultures coming together and strengthening one another, but also for its fully realized and fantastical world?

By saying that we should accept mistakes and that it’s wrong to criticize bad writing, you wind up saying that all of their effort was pointless.  Why bother trying to make something as best you can when people will accept anything?  If we’re not going to pay attention to what a story or writer did wrong, why should we pay attention to what a story or writer did right?

‘People make mistakes,’ means just that, that people make mistakes.  So how about we treat those mistakes as mistakes and hold people accountable for them, rather than act like everyone and everything is perfect and infallible?

[cabeswaterdrowned]

Alison DiLaurentis 2&3!

favorite thing about this character —  I really love the interplay in especially early seasons Alison but it does show up at times in s5&6a, of her being capable of being so calculating and smart to scary degrees and play games both with her peers and with adults around her who underestimate her because of her youth and girlishness, yet also there are these moments where you can see it can never quite work to 100% protect her in the society she lives in as a teenage girl is a very misogynistic community that protects predatory adult men or as a bi girl from a conservative (based on Kenneth’s views) family in Virginia, she’s so cunning which I love but that only gets her so far I always think of the flashback where she threatens/blackmails Byron and he grabs her wrist (yikes!:/) and  tells her that she plays adult games but is still a child (ew) and how Sasha plays Ali’s reactions that is such a core part of her character to me. Ik that’s not really boiling my favorite thing about her into one trait but I do think that’s a big part of why I’m fascinated with her character in general. Also I just find characters like her who are written in a way that the audiences reaction to her sort of says a lot about them because there are multiple readings possible especially when they’re women to be characters who awaken more creativity in my brain and I love that (even though that’s definitely a double edged sword because part of why she was written like that was the Pll writers wanting to keep multiple options open for what to do with her and they eventually just didn’t know what to do with her at all), it’s why the one Pll fic I’ve written was an Ali char study of sorts lol. 

least favorite thing about this character —  I touched on it because it kind of goes along with my favorite but the fact the writers clearly didn’t know what to do with her as the plot of the show progressed/especially her arc in the last two seasons (there are things in s5 regarding Ali characterization I actually like better than most people/think is a little better than it gets credit for being although there were still decisions that sucked but then there are stand out moments/episodes I think are great for her so it averages) but her redemption arc in the last two seasons is terrible writing. However (and I’ve mentioned this before/gone on rants about it in tags of other posts I’ve reblogged) I think I dislike the arc for different reasons from why the majority of viewers do, my stance is definitely not that she is “irredeemable/unforgivable” (a stance I’ve seen from people who don’t feel that way about male characters who did much more harm and did also get redemption arcs just an aside) as a character and even attempting to go that route is ridiculous. I do have mixed feelings on whether a redemption arc is the most interesting route for her as villain Alison also has a lot of potential (and I did read all the Pll books last year through beginning of this year so I’ve now seen a version of the story that went there play out and honestly kind of a slay) and I could have liked other storylines for her that didn’t try to categorize her as redeemed or evil as neatly but! I think the greatest failing of that storyline is how Alison needs to lose all of her … Alison-Ness to be considered redeemed. She has to be consistently punished (and constantly talk about how she is responsible for everything bad that has ever happened to herself and other around her) and lose every one of her sharp edges and become an almost unrecognizable character to be considered morally acceptable, it’s an especially frustrating contrast to the way the show treats literally every morally questionable man in Rosewood and I hate it lol. I could maybe have used my economy of words better to say all that I just realized but oh well :). 

[tinker-tanner]

Tag Nine People You'd Like to Know Better

Favourite colour: intense, vivid green. I don't know how to describe it properly, but if you imagine the glow of radioactive waste in a cartoon, that's about it. Purple, orange, red, and black also suit me well.

Favourite flavour(s): My palate is unfortunately rather unsophisticated thanks to having almost zero sense of smell until age 27 (thank you estrogen for my life), so my sense of taste hasn't historically had a lot of room for variation. That said, there is nothing in this world quite like top-notch cheesy garlic bread.

Favourite music: indie rock writ broadly. This ranges from folky stuff like The Mountain Goats to metal-adjacent prog like Polyphia to the vast soundscapes of Sigur Rós. Also enjoy quite a bit of rap, electronic music, and folk.

Favourite movie: Attack the Block, always and forever. It's the perfect mix of horror, teenage shenanigans, comedy, and genuine emotion. This is also John Boyega's first starring role. I genuinely cannot believe he pulled off this kind of leading man energy as a teenager: watching this movie in 2012 lets me sincerely say I was into him before it was cool.

Favourite book: Two-way tie for first. Book of the New Sun by Gene Wolfe might be the smartest book I've ever read. Not that it makes the reader feel smart - I have rarely felt dumber than when I'm trying to understand what Severian is leaving out of a story - but that there's so much going on and every reread enhances how much you can extract from it. The Sisters of Dorley by Alyson Greaves helped give me the courage to finally acknowledge I was a woman and is also just a stupendous psychological drama filled with women who have so, so many things wrong with them. Honorary mention to The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, which is still up there but no longer quite in the top spot.

Favourite series: Revolutionary Girl Utena. I did not know TV could ever be this good. I do not expect any TV show to astound me this much again. Watching Utena, I could feel my brain physically reshape itself. The show is unexpectedly blunt about rape and child abuse considering it's shojo, so watch out for that, but if you can handle it, watch this show.

Last song: "Sun Bleached Flies" by Ethel Cain. The perfect song for a certain mood when you need to reckon with not being Christian anymore. The first time I heard her sing "God loves you, but not enough to save you" was like a revelation.

Last series: Afraid I don't watch enough TV to remember this.

Last movie: The Boy and the Heron. Miyazaki near the peak of his powers, which I never expected to see again. The big screen added a lot to this one. Even by the usual high standards Ghibli sets, it's incredibly gorgeous.

Currently reading: Beowulf (as translated by Maria Dahvana Headley). I'm a sucker for Old English literature. Took two courses on Old English in undergrad and they were some of my favourites of the degree until the person who taught me turned out to be profoundly racist. Headley's take is bizarre and therefore compelling to me: I'm always interested in seeing how weird someone can get with the source material.

Currently watching: Nothing. I weeded and organised my bookshelves for the first time in the 2020s and am taking advantage of this to read my TBR list at a ferocious pace.

Currently working on: Nothing in particular. I'm not all that creatively inclined and what little writing projects I did have were pushed aside by all the real-life nonsense I'm juggling. Tarot reading has been a joy to learn, though; attempting to interpret real-world events through knotty tangles of symbolism is exactly the sort of thing my brain likes. Shoutout to The Tarot Restless by Winslow Dumaine, which dared to ask "What if I made up my own Dark Souls cosmology and put it in a deck of cards?"

Tagged by @tobermoriansass, which I find terribly considerate given how hard it is to drag him away from his elves these days. Tagging @sophibeans @stackslip @licoricefern @deadciv @catgirltoes @loki-zen and whoever else would like to join in!

[mxtxfanatic]

AS one of the more thoughtful MXTX essayists out there, I wondered if you had seen the essay on Ao3 "The Smiling Enigma" ?(my attempt to put in a link has failed). Focused on Lan Xichen - it's a VERY different analysis than I've seen elsewhere.

Huh, I didn’t know it existed until this ask, so thank you! (I usually don’t see mdzs things unless it’s tagged with wangxian.) After having just read it, I can say that while the writer definitely has more animosity towards lxc than I do, I agree with their assessment. In fact, many of the points made in the essay are things I’d noted before on here, though not centralized under one post.

Before I get into my thoughts on it, I just want to say that I hope that people will read that analysis seriously and engage respectfully, because I remember very clearly when the “who knew about the wen remnants” essay dropped (i think that was the title) and a lot of people shit on the author for having the audacity to suggest that the cultivation world knew that wwx wasn’t building an army and were only upset cause they thought he would make a sect that would decrease their own popularity amongst new disciples, thus implicating their fav characters and sects. And now a majority of the people I see (who aren’t villain stans) accept this as fact because it’s literally what the novel says and the author didn’t pull anything out of their ass with their meta. This meta is also a textual analysis, and people should treat it as such if they are serious about literary analysis and aren’t just about absolving their fav characters of wrongdoings. Now onto my thoughts:

The thing about the mdzs characters for me is that, outside of wangxian, the juniors, the wen remnants, and Mianmian, every major character in the story is a terrible person, full stop. None of them are good people, none of them really try to be good people unless forced by circumstances, and their terribleness is never excused by the narrative from what I can tell. Some characters start off better than others and fall from grace (jiang yanli feels like this to me though I’m not counting her in major characters) and other characters are terrible from start to finish (jiang cheng, jin guangshan). However, the venerable trio for me are characters that only look good on the surface, but the more you dig the more rotten everything becomes.

Lxc was the biggest disappointment for me as a character I’d seen people rave about as the only good sect leader, the only one who cared about righteousness, the only one who tried to do the right thing, such a loving brother, etc, but when I actually read the book, all I got from him was…condescension. He gives me “mother knows best” vibes, and I always return to the scene where lxc says, with full confidence, that jgy cannot be the murderer, that lwj is blinded by his love for wwx, that he knows everyone too well and it’s everyone else who’s biased, only for jgy to be confirmed as the murdered a literal chapter later. I’ve said it before, but he only “allowed” wangxian to investigate the corpse because he “knew” they wouldn’t find anything incriminating (LOL). That told me all I needed to know about him as a character and how I should treat him. But with all this, I stand by my last post on him that this is a product of his upbringing that he was failed by and the posts before that about how he was an active participant in fanning the flames against wwx and the wen remnants, so I’m in a pitying mood with him at the moment but not a forgiving one.

(Final note: holy shit I loved that breakdown of the guanyin temple tantrum lxc threw, because I caught the obvious deflection from his own wrongdoings and how he was treating the hostage situation like an inconvenient tea party, but I didn’t catch just how many deflections he was adding and just how many lies he was knowingly telling on lwj’s behalf to make lwj appear as some poor innocent lamb corrupted by the big bad wolf. The fact that he is present for so many of the plot’s crimes but erases his presence in his speeches while shoving blame onto others? I’d noted it before but not in a tangible way, so that was a major eye-opening yikes.)

[dilfdoctordoom]

On Tom Taylor, the Current Nightwing Run & Ableism

I did mention I was gonna do a post about it, so here we are. There are some things I want to make clear before we begin: the issue exploded on Twitter on the very first day of disabled Pride month; disabled people have been discussing the ableism in Taylor’s Nightwing run since it began; nobody has blamed Taylor for what happened to Barbara in 2011. We are, however, blaming him for the way she is written in his series during 2021. 

I am also going to be discussing the ableism in the fandom in this post. The reactions I have seen, from here to Twitter to TikTok, are showing not only a great misunderstanding of the situation, but a purposeful misunderstanding. The very real reasons disabled people are angry right now have been twisted to make us seem ridiculous and overly sensitive and I cannot help but feel that is very intentional.

Another quick addition: disabled people are not a monolith. Barbara Gordon spent over 20 years as a paralyzed wheelchair user. Stating (and I would like to note, never truly showing) that she is a part time cane user now is still erasing her disability. These things are not interchangeable.

So, with that out of the way, let’s begin.

Tom Taylor’s run is ableist. That is a fact of this situation. He made the active choice to include a version of Barbara Gordon that is ableist caricature. Story wise, the role that Barbara plays could have easily been filled by anyone else. There is no real season, within the narrative and outside of it, for Taylor to include this version of Barbara Gordon, who has received a decade of criticism from disabled people. It’s very well known that this iteration is problematic, to put it kindly, and Taylor is aware of that. 

He made the active decision to include her, anyway, showing, at the very least, that he is passively, if not actively, ableist. Passive ableism is still ableism and disabled people are allowed to take issue with that.

That alone is reason enough for disabled people to be angry. But that’s not why things exploded on Twitter.

On July 1st, the very first day of disabled pride month, the new design for Barbara was dropped. After months of teasing Barbara’s return to a wheelchair using Oracle (see: Last Days of The DC Universe, Batgirl (2016), etc), they debuted... a new Batgirl costume that the artist has openly said draws inspiration from the Burnside suit.

There’s a lot of issues to unpack here, so let’s start small: the issue with consciously calling back to Burnside. The Burnside era of Batgirl stories was... beyond awful. The villain of the series’ first arc, was an AI based on Barbara’s brain patterns when she was disabled. It was evil because of all the rage and pain Barbara felt. The actual Barbara, on the other hand, was good -- because she was able bodied. Because her PTSD had been tossed aside. It was a horrifically ableist era that drove the idea that Barbara’s life was terrible when she was disabled; that it was some horrible, twisted secret.

Comics have kept that narrative going. Barbara is seen hiding books on chronic pain; she reacts aggressively to the mere idea that she could be in a wheelchair again, acting like it would be weakness. Whereas Barbara had once been Oracle not because of, but in spite of, her disability, who was fantastic representation for the disabled community, she now acts like it is the most shameful thing in her life.

To call back to Burnside is to call back to that ableism and make no critique of it. If anything, it’s to embrace the ideas of that era.

There is also the design itself to consider. Many people have pointed out the inclusion of a back brace, as if that saves it from ableism -- it does not. Any person who has ever worn a back brace can take one look at this design and know that they did not consult a disabled person. Hell, by how impractical that thing is, I doubt they even Googled a picture of a back brace.

It’s a superficial acknowledgement that Barbara is supposed to be disabled. Something that was apparently thrown in to appease the numerous complaints of Barbara being able bodied; something that no one working on it put any effort into.

When it comes to aids, this is not a new thing for Barbara in Infinite Frontier. She’s said to be using a cane occasionally, that we got a better look at in Batman: Urban Legends, and as any cane user can tell you... that is not a cane that could feasibly be used. It’s another pathetic attempt to acknowledge that Barbara is supposed to be disabled, without actually doing anything of importance.

[IMAGE ID:  A segmented cane with a tri-pointed handle with a wrist strap. There is a stripe across the sections to connection them, labelled “solar battery charger buttons”. The text reads: “telescoping antenna doubles as cane or weapon if needed”. END ID]

Dropping this design (which we have now established to be problematic) on the very first day of disabled pride month is a sickening move. The very first day, and DC has doubled down on their disability erasure, thrown in superficial things like a back brace to act like it’s fine.

Tom Taylor is definitely involved in this, whether you like it not. No, he is not in anyway responsible for the events of the New 52 and what they did to Barbara Gordon, but that does not absolve him of blame for what is currently being done to her in his run.

When the design dropped, it started trending due to disabled fans reactions. To be clear: we were directly calling out the ableism in this design. This was Tom Taylor’s response:

[IMAGE ID: A tweet from TomTaylorMade that says: “Hey, @Bruna_Redono_F I think our new Batgirl suit is getting some attention.” He then adds a winky face emoji and tags @jesswchen and @drinkpinkkink. Attached are a screenshot showing that Batgirl is trending in the United States and a picture of the design itself. END ID]

This is him, bragging about how the disabled community reacted. Perhaps before this tweet, you could’ve made an argument that he was not ableist, but after he flaunted the fact that disabled people were rightly furious over this, like it was something to be proud of? No. If you are defending him, you are a part of the problem.

Taylor has included ableist writing in his Nightwing run, beyond the inherent ableism that comes with the current iteration of Barbara Gordon (whose inclusion, yet again, is his decision).

[IMAGE ID: A panel from Nightwing #79. Barbara and Dick are standing in his apartment. Barbara is saying: “I have some pretty new technology holding my spine together. I’m happy to do most things -- eat pizza in the park, take down low-level thugs -- but leaping from rooftops seems... unwise.” END ID]

What Barbara says in the panel above has bothered a lot of disabled people. The implication that she couldn’t “eat pizza in the park’ and “take down low-level thugs” without a spinal implant that conveniently erases her disability is... fucked up, to put it mildly. Those are both things that Barbara has done in a wheelchair. The first one is something wheelchair users can do and the implication that it’s not is beyond offensive.

But, let’s leave Barbara behind for a moment. I have previously mentioned that disabled people have been discussing the ableism present in this run long before July -- and that ableism is not only centred on Barbara. Dick is also a player in all this.

Dick Grayson was shot in the head. I don’t believe I need to retread the story, but just in case: Dick was shot in the head by KGBeast, developed amnesia from the event, and went by Ric Grayson for a long enough period in comics. If you have been active within the DC fandom for the past year or so, you know all about this controversial storyline and its fallout.

The Ric Grayson arc concluded itself the issue before Taylor became the writer for the series and ever since his tenure has begun, Taylor has completely ignored the reality of Dick being a disabled man. We understand this is comics, that things do not function the way they do in our world, but still -- it is clear that this gunshot wound to the head has affected Dick massively. We had an entire arc dedicated to how he struggled to find himself in the aftermath.

Taylor is choosing to write Dick as an able-bodied man, despite his canonical injuries and how they would impact his life.

This man is choosing to give empty gestures towards Barbara being a disabled woman (as discussed above, the completely dysfunctional back brace, etc) whilst writing her as able-bodied as possible. He writes both Dick and Barbara as able bodied as humanly possible. That is ableist. He is ableist. This is the same man that said he made a dog disabled ‘in honour of Barbara’. I do not think I need to elaborate on why that is bad.

The least he could’ve done, was get a sensitivity reader. We know that Taylor is not beyond getting people from marginalized communities to consult on his work (see: Suicide Squad), so why, when writing two characters that should be disabled, one that the disabled community have been criticising for a decade, does he not reach out to a single disabled person? A mere Google search could’ve improved the situation massively. In both the new design and the current writing, it is beyond clear that this is not just an able-bodied person writing it -- it’s an ableist person.

He could have listened to the numerous disabled fans that spoke out. Instead, he chose not only to refuse to do that, but to describe justifiable anger as ‘raging’. He treated us like we were crazy for daring to speak out about blatant ableism being parading around of us in our pride month.

Tom Taylor has failed to do the bare minimum and in doing so, he is, at very, very least, guilty of complicity. Again: passive ableism is still ableism.

The argument at hand is not just about Barbara Gordon and the continuing ableism that shines out from her current writing. The argument is about the treatment of disabled characters in his run. It has also become about the way he treats physically disabled people.

We also can’t have this conversation without acknowledging the fandom’s role in it all. I waited a day to write this up, to allow all the reactions to flood in... and I am sickened.

We have everything across the board. Able-bodied people that have actually listened to disabled people, who have supported us (which is deeply appreciated). Able-bodied people who may have had good intentions, but a skewed sense of the situation and perpetuating some of the more insidious lies being spread around (IE. that this is only about the new costume).

There are, obviously, the ableist reactions, though, that we will be discussing here. People deeming the current issues as ‘crazy’, calling disabled people ‘overly sensitive’ and ‘delusional’. Many people have completely glossed over the examples given for why Taylor, specifically, is ableist, and instead have resorted to telling disabled people that we are wrong and should be mad at DC instead.

It’s important to note that Tom Taylor is an adult man. He doesn’t need a fandom to attack disabled people for daring to call him out. He is not the victim in this situation; he has, for quite a few disabled people, been the aggressor.

I have seen claims that Infinite Frontier is a ‘slow burn’, implying that disabled people need to patient... as if we have not waited a decade for less ableist writing. There is a complete refusal from able-bodied fans to actually listen to what disabled people are saying. They would much rather rush to the defence of the (honestly rather mediocre) current Nightwing run. 

Disabled fans know that comic book spaces are ableist. We know that both DC and Marvel and many of their writers are ableist. We are still allowed to be pissed as hell about it and acting like the current reaction being had right now is disabled people being ‘overdramatic’ is yet another example of how the able-bodied side of the fandom both refuses to listen to and undermine disabled people when we call out ableism.

We know it when we see it. We always do and we always will and we will always be able to recognize it far faster than an able-bodied person. If this many disabled fans are coming out and talking about an issue, calling it ableism, then it’s time for you shut up and listen.

Stop being a part of the problem and start supporting disabled fans for once.

[nyhne]

Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you’d like to know better!

Oops late to doing this but thanks for the tag, @puella-peanut !

What book are you currently reading? I’ve been taking a fiction break and reading The Sprawl, by Jason Diamond, which is about reconsidering the bad cultural rep of suburbs. And it’s pretty good! A good amount of research and depth without being too dense, but it’s also not a book that’s pandering to a shallow shelf grab (I will never forgive The Secret Life of Groceries for how bad it was).

What’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year? Oif dude I’m terrible at remembering stuff like that. Did Marry Me come out this year or last year? Because that I will gladly rewatch again and again, so sue me.

What do you usually wear? During the work day it’s old jeans and work-tattered shirts since I’m a landscaper (or in winter’s case, long Johns, wool socks, jeans, undershirt, thin hoodie, thick hoodie). Outside of work, in the summer it’s usually a tucked in t-shirt and high waisted jeans, and in the winter it’s high waisted jeans and a sweater. I live in Seattle so I don’t usually get to wear my “”nicer””” East Coast stuff because god forbid someone wears a pair of slacks casually in this goddang city. (Said with affection for Seattle, but not for its odd fashion limitations).

How tall are you? About 5’2”.

What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event? Libra, and Keanu Reeves, maybe? Or maybe he’s just a Libra too. Idk, I truly barely keep track of celebrities unless I have to lol.

Do you go by your name or a nick-name? At my last job I went by a shortened name, partially just to try it out (it’s one of my short forms I go by at cafes or for fleeting intros as well), and partially because my boss barely attempted with my full name on day one. Don’t have a lot of fondness for my full name outside of the fact that it means a lot to my mom but it’s whatever. Most online spaces that are relatively separate from “real life” I still go by Roshon.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? Hmm not sure I had any concrete ideas on what I wanted to be when I was a kid…fleeting daydreams of geologist, chef, non-specific scientist, civil servant? Museum work when I was in high school and college. And it’s not that I didn’t become any of those things, but I think they’ve all been incorporated into who I am today and I’m not sure I’d need to be any of those things professionally to feel fulfilled. Also I love what I do now, but I highly suspect I’ll be one of those people who live a lot of different lives…restaurant work, administration, landscaping….

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one? Engaged! We’ve been together for about five and a half years. (: does that make me sound old or what lol

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at? Being patient; it’s pretty easy for me to exercise patience and take a step back on stuff. I’m bad at admitting I don’t know things, especially things related to pop culture. There are some things (like knowing actors, for example) I’m very open to admitting, but other things like familiarity with famous movies or tv shows, I’m just bad at admitting I haven’t seen them?? It’s dum. Idk why I’m so self-conscious about it.

Dogs or cats? Both, and even though I live with a dog I adore, on a shallow level I probably still favor cats more? But our dog is very dum and cute.

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year? Got back into my bullet journal this past year and was pretty pleased with my October theme. Maybe not The Favorite thing I’ve done this year but I’m old and poor with technology so this is as good as it gets. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRguKuX8/

What’s something you would like to create content for? I still have PruAus fics I want to see through one day. Not necessarily holding myself to that promise. But I’d like to. Not sure if that actually answered the question.

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with? Making a mini crevice garden.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year? My previous job- really liked it when I started, and the first half year I was there, and then slogged through the winter months and thought it’d be better in summer when they get busier but it just felt worse. Not necessarily a purely them thing, I’m sure, but still.

What’s a hidden talent of yours? My German, maybe? That might be more of a ‘nobody expects the Asian kid to know any German’ kind of thing, moreso than a hidden talent. Also, half talent, since I’m still not fluent. Did decent when I was in Berlin in October, though!

Are you religious? Spiritual, maybe, religious, no. Still vaguely consider myself Unitarian, but even then it’s still more as a community/mindset thing rather than a religious structure thing.

What’s something you wish to have at this moment? A 7,5-10 gallon tank that’s in a more vertical format rather than horizontal…really itching to redo the scaping in the tank and get a few more fish. Still recovering from the holidays, though, haha. So I guess it all comes back to money, predictably.

[xanthippe74]

Five Self-Recs Tag Game

Thanks to @ghaniblue for tagging me in her five favs post! Here are my five, in no particular order, with a few words about why I’m proud of each of them—plus a little piece of trivia for funsies.

🔹 A Hiss to Build a Dream On: My first completed fic! I was very proud to have written anything at all, much less 10K words, after literal decades of being unable to put the stories bouncing around my head onto paper. Also, I love Ron in this. His dialogue made me laugh so much as I was writing it.

Bonus trivia: Who knew that T-shirt and coffee mug websites were the best places to find terrible puns about any subject?

🔹 Knockturn Soulmates Series (Vortex and Riptide): I’m proud of my worldbuilding for these stories, especially the political and social factors that shape Knockturn Alley and its residents. I reread both stories a few months ago, and I think I saw real improvement in my writing in the 18 months or so between them. It was very encouraging!

Bonus trivia: When the idea of Draco in Knockturn Alley x Auror Harry first started floating around in my head, I thought about writing it as a secret relationship fic instead of a Soulmate AU. But the latter tied in with Draco’s redemption story much better, so I’m very glad I went in that direction.

🔹 Follow the Water: I’m proud of how much I was able to enjoy the writing process for this one. I felt like something lovely was unfolding as I wrote it, which was magical. It probably helped that it’s a wholesome, feel-good story. I’m trying to remind myself (as I work on this year’s HD Wireless fic) to fall in love with my own stories and not worry about how they will be received.

Bonus trivia: I was heavily inspired by the children’s books I read aloud to my kids when they were littles, especially Arthur Ransome’s “Swallows and Amazons” series.

🔹 On Your Shore: This was the first time I attempted a bit of mystery/suspense in a story, and I think it turned out well. I’m also proud of the pacing and sticking to my resolution not to throw Astoria under the (metaphorical!) bus to achieve a Drarry HEA.

Bonus trivia: I was very close to giving Draco a dog to bring to the Outer Hebrides, but decided it wouldn’t fit into the serious tone of the story. Instead, Lillian the cat got a role and I saved my elderly corgi idea for Safe As Houses.

🔹 The Last of What the World Left You: I’m proud that I stuck it out and finished this one. I really struggled to maintain the grim/angsty tone and keep Harry in Grumpy Hermit mode (as opposed to the earnest, kind Harry that I usually write). And at one point, I needed to create a spreadsheet to sort out the order of the scenes in the middle two chapters, they were such a mess. But I did it! And I’m happy with the result.

Bonus trivia: I’m still waiting for someone to comment on the meaning of the dog’s name and tell me that I’m very clever, lol.

I’m not sure who hasn’t been tagged for this one yet, but if anyone wants to do it, please give it a go and tag me so I see it!

[rpd-rookie]

The One Who Runs Away, The One Who Runs Back (Leon S. Kennedy x Reader)

Author’s note: This is a sequel to “A PAST WITH HER, A FUTURE WITH YOU” and the end of my three-parts fan fiction "I TRUSTED YOU WITH MY HEART" I decided to write after so many of you asked for it. Sorry it took so long but I was navigating from one fandom to another. (BTW, if there are any Devil May Cry fans up here, you can read my DMC fan fictions here) PS: Even if I said it before, I have no hate whatsoever towards Ada or Aeon.

Tagged: Angst, Fluff, Romance, Post-Break up, Sexual Content 

Part 1 / Part 2

***

Do you remember? We started this story by quoting some sitcom character that was clueless about love. Well, here’s a suggestion. Why not ending it by quoting someone who knew a little more on such matter.

William Shakespeare - you know that English dude expert on tragic ‘drink this poison, stab yourself’ kind of love - apparently once said ‘Love runs away from those chasing her, and those who run away, she throws herself on his neck’. I say ‘apparently’ cause, even though I have a master in English lit, this quote is from the internet, and also … who knows what the guy truly said?

But it’s the quote that’s important. Not the author. The quote it’s important because it sums up perfectly how this story is gonna end. However, before starting, let me tell you this quote is going to be the only Shakespeare-worthy sentence in this final chapter. You’ve been warned.

Love runs away from those chasing her.          Well, this part was definitely written for someone like Ada Wong. Owner of countless gold medals and possibly a world record at this point, that woman is basically the Usain Bolt of the ‘Running from Leon S. Kennedy’ competition. Unchallenged winner since the creation of this sultry version of cat and mouse game, it’s better not to think about the number of times she successfully ran away from her favourite agent.  But this year, this formidable titleholder in a gorgeous red dress will have to face her Nemesis in the championship. You. Though the comparison to the hideous bio-organic killing machine might not be very complimentary to you but you get the idea.  This year you enter the Kennedy Olympics. And this year you run like Sonic the Hedgehog and you win the damn competition (screw you Usain Bold!). And you do this with your head high and without an ounce of regret. Ignore all the texts and flowers Leon might send on your track Mario Kart style. His gifts are not as slippery as banana peels and they can easily be dodged, I promise. Well, most of the time, when you’re not lying on your bed in the middle of the night crying and sobbing while reading his messages or playing his voice in your voicemail again and again until you’re nothing more but a giant mess with puffy red eyes drowning in a puddle of your own tears.        Screw those messages too! And screw his broken yet terribly sexy voice as well!

Being a man of word, Leon kept his promise. And for months you kept on running peacefully, marathoning away from this past relationship that had destroyed you like no other before while tranquilly fixing your broken heart on the way. That run was a good cardio.

But sometimes, cardio is not enough, and even just the small sight of an overpriced whisky bottle or the smell of Leon’s perfume on some guy’s clothes is enough to reopen your wounds.           And when it happens, you always do the same thing, you break the damn bottle - and run cause damn! it’s expensive! -  or you tell the guy his perfume smells like cheap cologne and that he should definitely change it, which is an improvement on your past destructive behaviour, since there was a time shortly after the break up when you would have simply dragged the guy to your place to let him fuck you senseless while imagining he was Leon. All that just for the illusion to feel him again and for the sake to kick him out the next morning, screaming like a hysterical psycho.

So imagine, for a small second, the wave of intense feelings surging out of your healing heart when, in the middle of a cafe, you hear some dude sitting behind you ordering Leon’s favourite whisky while wearing the same bloody perfume. “It’s got to be relentless persecution at that point!” You sigh, already annoyed, closing your book more violently than intended. Hope you’re ready, stranger! Because you’re not in the mood to deal with this right now.            You turn around with a fake smile that reflects perfectly your irritation, ready to give him hell, your sharpest riposte already burning your tongue. After all, he deserves it and you can’t help it.         But when you meet familiar – and freaking gorgeous - baby blue eyes you freeze and stare, suddenly confused and lost and refusing to believe that in spite of the intense running, love just jumped at your neck after all and it was sitting there, taking the shape of Leon S(tupid) Kennedy.

You should have stood up and left, run for your life, run for your heart. And yet, you didn’t.    You stayed there staring at him looking at you, allowing all your memories, the good ones and the bad ones, all your buried feelings to come back from the dead, embracing them as if you had missed them, which, let’s be honest, you probably had.            You tried to scream to yourself “Come on, Y/N! Shake a leg!” but it seemed that what you brain understood was something like “Cum on him! Open your legs!” as a couple of blurry hours later, you were on Leon’s bed, legs wide open, screaming his name and begging him not to stop his amazing thrusts.

Six months, you ran for six months … Well, looks like the run ends here and now. After a minute-long deep stare, an afternoon of amazing sex and two hours long of something blurry in between.

“I missed you.” And there you were! The moment all couples that broke up have after one of them (in this case Leon with the infamous ‘I missed you line’) starts to believe they miraculously rekindled their love. The fatal post-coital cuddling session that you don’t know how to react to, as you think of all the possibilities before you.      Possibility Number 1) You tell Leon you missed him too and cuddle, enjoying that embrace you secretly yearned for months. But that includes forgetting what he has done or pretending that nothing happened.     Possibility Number 2) You push him away, get dressed, leave again and act as if this afternoon never happened. But if Leon doesn’t remind you of it, the ache between your legs will, that’s for sure!   Possibility Number 3) You jump him again until you sore even more and hope that you’ll be able to leave afterwards.         Frankly, all possibilities suck because, in all cases, it seems like you lose. Since,       with Possibility Number 1) you lose the run forever, with Possibility Number 2) you lose him again and with Possibility Number 3) well it’s result 1 or 2 + your body aching like crazy for days. I suck at math but no need to be Einstein to know the result of this calculation looks unpleasant.    So what do you choose?

You see a triangular dice rolling in your head, showing a never-ending succession of 1, 2 and 3 that doesn’t make any sense and that confuse you even more than you already are. 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 3, 2 ! Oh for fuck’s sake!

You grimace, angry and pissed at Leon and probably even more at yourself, and finally leaves his bed and his strong warm arms, feeling the tears furiously forming in your eyes. “I can’t” You can’t look at him in the eyes. You don’t want to see his confusion, don’t want to see his pain as he witnesses all his hopes shatter to pieces.         “ What do you mean?” You can hear the sheets crease behind you, alerting you of Leon’s agitation, so you hurry and pick up all your clothes scattered in his room. You must leave, now. 2! 2 it is!  “This! All This! This afternoon never happened.” You tell him, putting on your clothes with sudden clumsy and trembling hands, not caring if your bra is correctly hooked or if you put your shirt on back to front. Your heart. You have to think of your poor heart first.          “Hey, hey, hey.” You feel Leon’s hand softly grabbing your arms and you let go of whatever you were holding right now. His voice is sweet and trying to be comforting. Don’t look at him Y/N! Don’t look at him! “Look at me.” You do. Damn it! And you see his gorgeous blue eyes staring at you, studying your flustered face and the tears slowly drowning your (colour) look. You missed those eyes. You missed them so.damn.much ! As much as you missed his hands cupping your face and his thumbs wiping up your tears. God! How many tears those thumbs have missed recently. “It’s alright.”

You want to believe him. You really do. But there is this voice screaming in your head and very clearly this time. A voice shouting, forcing you to remember that night, that awful nightmarish night, the one when you felt your heart break and your dreams turn to ashes. All that because of him and his obsession for her.

“No, it’s not alright, Leon.” You shake your head and miraculously manage to take a small step back. You never thought you could. But you had to. You can’t stay close to him. You can’t let him touch you, feel you. Not if you want to run away. And you have to run away. Like her! Like Ada. Ada! “I told you. For as long as you have feelings for Ada, I can’t … we can’t…”     “Please don’t talk about her.” He begs and rubs his hand over his face. Is he trying to chase her away from his mind? Is she still in here? Please, let her not be in here.    “But she’s the reason we’re in this situation now. She’s the reason why we’re in this mess.” You insist only for the sake to see his reaction when you mention Ada, to see if she’s still under his skin, somewhere. “Ada is not the reason. I am!” Leon corrects you, a finger directed at his heavy chest as he is putting the full blame on himself for the first time since that night. “I am the one who went after Ada when I shouldn’t have! I am the reason why we broke up! I am the reason why we are so miserable!”         “But I was fine!” You shouted back in an attempt to show him he was wrong refusing to listen to that part of you who knew he was completely right. You were miserable without him. “I was doing fine until you came back and fucked everything up! I was healing goddamnit!”             You felt new tears rolling along your red cheeks and quickly wipe them off with the back of your hand that felt so callous and rough in comparison to Leon’s gentle touch. “You can’t just jump back into my life like this and expect me to forget!”

Leon nods, agreeing with you in a certain way. But the truth is, he doesn’t want you to forget. He doesn’t expect you to erase his mistake. He just wants you to forgive him … No, he just wants you to come back to him. Period. And that’s got to be what you want to. It has to!   “So why did you have sex with me, huh?” He finally asks even though he already knows your answer. “Tell me!” You’re not the kind of person who has meaningless sex, not the kind of person who worships one’s body with divine kisses and devoted caresses if they mean nothing. “Why did you have sex with me?” And yet the answer he wishes to hear doesn’t come out. “For fuck’s sake Y/N! Answer me! Why?” He shouts making you shiver and cry even more.    “Because I LOVE YOU!” You finally scream. And it hurts. It hurts but it feels good too. Like a weight lifted off your chest. “Because I missed you too! Because those months without you have been terrible! Because I don’t know how to handle even just the thought of you or the sound of your voice in my voicemail. Because each time I see something that makes me think of you, I’m a mess and I do things that normal me would never do! You fucked me up, Leon! You fucked me up but I love you! And I hate to love you!” You grunt in pain and relief, enraged but happy that you finally let everything out. And Leon listens in silence, frozen by your powerful honest confession. But he doesn’t know how to react. He doesn’t know what to say. Part of him is overjoyed, ecstatic that you still love him but there is another part that just feels terrible, sorry for the pain your love for him caused you even in his absence.   “But you see—“ You continue “That’s the problem in our relationship, Leon! I love you in ways that are so intense, that go beyond sanity. And you love me by half.”    You see him crumple, his horrified face looking suddenly very pale as if he had just heard some dreadful news. Is that really how you feel? Is that how you see his love for you? Is that what he has made you believe?         “Goodbye Leon.”

With the full intention to leave Leon’s place for good and never come back, you grab you bag on your way out of the bedroom while carelessly shoving your underwear inside of it since you forgot to put them on in the midst of panic and precipitation. Get out of here, Y/N! Now! A reasonable voice encourages you. Listen to me!    But this not what Leon wants.

“I never loved you by half.” He declares and you abruptly stop, asking God if he’s some kind of sadist that loves seeing you in pain from the comfort of his divine sofa somewhere in heaven. “Never.” But it’s not God and his sadism that makes you turn around. It’s you, and your masochist love for that blue-eyed man before you.     “I don’t believe you” Your voice almost doesn’t leave your throat as you try not to sob.           “But it’s the truth.” He says with a calm soothing voice as he slowly approaches you. “I never imagined my future with Ada. I never wished to grow old with her or build a home with her.” You want to tell Leon to stop talking, to stay where he is but your body doesn’t seem to respond. And when you feel him grabbing your hands in his and the comforting warmth that goes with that simple touch, you know that leaving is now an almost impossible task. “Yes. I admit it. My feelings for her were real.” Even when his honesty hurts you, you don’t know how to leave anymore. “But they were nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.”     You try to let go, pulling your hands away from his loving grip but he holds you back. And you’re not strong enough. Or maybe, you just don’t want to be strong. Everything is so confusing. Everything is tearing you apart.     “But they’re still here, aren’t they?” You question, hoping his answer might give you a clue, might give you the strength to make the correct decision. Do you leave? Or do you stay? “And they’ll keep coming back each she goes back into your life. You can’t let go of her.”    “You’re maybe right.” His words hurt you more than you thought they would. They hurt like hell because you realise there are not the ones you wanted to hear. You wanted to hear him say that he would let go of Ada, for good, for you. You wanted to hear that because deep down … YOU WANTED TO FUCKING STAY! “But can you let go of your past?” He continues and you shake your head refusing to hear any other word coming out of Leon’s mouth.       “Don’t!” You beg, weary.           “No! Listen to me this time. Ada is my past, Y/N. She’s my past. And you … you’re my future. You’re my life, damn it!” He doesn’t cry but you don’t need his tears to sense how emotional and how honest he is. And suddenly, you just want to listen to him. “And I was a fool not to see it sooner. When you left me, I felt a void I had never felt in my entire life. I felt like a part of me was missing. And then, the bombing in Washington happened, and it was like I had nothing left. I needed you. I wanted you. You. Not Ada.”      “Leon” You whisper and he cups your face again, blue eyes staring deep into yours, allowing you to see everything in him, his strong love for you and all the weaknesses he hated to admit. “It was you in my mind. Only you. And it will always be you. Because I love you. Now. Today. And I will always love you.”

You cry even more, uncertain if those tears are tears of sorrow, tears of joy or a mix of both. God, how can your emotions be such a mess right now? How can you be wishing to shout at him with all the anger you’ve accumulated and, at the same time, willing to kiss him with all love you’ve got?

“If you got to believe something. Believe that. And if that’s not enough and you think you can be happy with someone else. Then go. I won’t hold you back.” You frown. He is fucking lying. You’re sure of it. “You can’t stop running after me and you know it.” He smiles and scoffs, sensing that hint of sudden defiance in your tone he enjoys a lot.  “True. I can’t sop running after you. But I’ll do my best not to catch you if that’s what you want. But you got to tell me. Is that what you truly want?” You don’t reply. Truth is, you’re not sure what to say not because you’re not sure that’s what you want but because you’re not sure you can trust him if you let him in again.                        “No.” You whisper. “No, that’s not what I want. I want you. All of you.” You can see Leon struggle to contain his growing joy as it starts to glimmer brighter and brighter in his irises. He doesn’t want to cry victory just yet. He is cautious and rightfully so. “But can I?”        “Want me?” He smiles. “ Have you completely?” You correct, searching for a promise in his eyes, one you hope, you wish he would not break this time.     “Trust me with your heart again and find out.”

This better not hurt this time…

[space-helen]

Sweep

Words: 1460

Pairing: Nick Stokes x Reader

A/N: Not proof read again but I wanted to get something out for you all. I hope you enjoy! :)

Request: Maybe a dangerous situation, someone hurt, protective I dunno.I just like to read more nick x reader ^^ - @pumpkinfriend

______________________

The house was cold and uninviting. An eerie silence echoed throughout the property. You followed the police officer ahead of you into the room the victim lay, Nick a couple of steps behind you.

The police officer gestured to the body “We’ll be outside. Call if you need us.” and with that they were gone.

You looked around the study for a moment. “Interesting house layout.” you commented

Nick agreed “Study leads into the bedroom. No living area.”

“Maybe studying was his way of life.”

The man laughed and started to snap pictures of the man in his desk chair. Taking another look you could clearly see the gunshot wound to his head. “It was reported an hour ago right?”

The man nodded “yeah. Reported when neighbours heard the shots. Officers were the first to find his body, still waiting on Superdave to arrive.”

“Poor guy.” you snapped pictures of the photo frames nearby. The shelves looked like they’d been rummaged through. “Looks like he was close with who I can only assume were his parents.”

“He’s really young too. Officer said twenty three.”

“Nice place for a twenty three year old.” you commented “A big collection too. You don’t often see someone this young with material like this.” you gestured to some books on the shelf. “You’ve got it covered here?”

Nick nodded “Yeah, yeah. You take the bedroom.”

You moved across the room through the door into the bedroom. You took in your surroundings and snapped pictures. The man had lived what seemed to be a very clean, and organised lifestyle.

You noticed a drawer in the bedside table open, taking a picture of it, you carefully moved towards it and opened it. Snapping a picture of the inside you noticed that it was unorganised, a huge contrast to the rest of the room. You contemplated moving through to the previous room to grab print powder when you noticed that the wardrobe door was slightly ajar. You could have sworn it wasn’t when you’d come into the room.

Looking through the photos on your camera a cold chill went through your spine “Nick it looks like we have a ghost in here.” you nervously called. But just as the words left your mouth an arm was around your neck and you were being pushed harshly into the wall. 

You fought against the man’s grasp and he tugged at your camera that was around your neck to bring you close to him. Wrapping his arm around your neck he squeezed, slowly cutting off your air. Kicking and scratching at the man you finally got free and called for Nick. You were unsure if he even heard you.

The man grabbed you again and pushed you harshly to the floor. You felt a vase smash beneath you on your way down, it must have been knocked over in the struggle. You got to your feet and attempted to move away again.

“Y/N?” Nick instantly reached for his gun when he saw the sight in front of him but instead of drawing it he rushed to break up the fight. 

Amongst the struggle between the three you were pushed into the wall and hit your head. Sinking to the floor the realisation your legs and hand were bleeding settled in even though the fight before you was still underway.

Nick pushed the man into a corner and drew his gun. “Hands up. I said hands up.” The man obliged and Nick called for the officers. “Smart move pal.” Nick spat as two officers dragged him away. 

The original officer who’d shown you into the property hung back to talk to Nick. “I’m sorry, we did a sweep of the property but-”

“Well now you know for next time to do it better.” he came across slightly patronising “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that. Accidents happen, just don’t let it happen again.”

“I understand.” was all the officer said before disappearing. 

Nick quickly made his way over to you. “Y/N? You good?” he took in your features, you were really beat up.

“I’ve been better.” you tried to laugh but it sounded pathetic.

“The first aid kit’s in the other room let me grab it.” The man pushed some hair behind your ear before running into the next room and returning with the first aid supplies. “Now let’s see what I can do before we get you some real medical help shall we.”

You laughed.

“Alright. Show me your hand I can see it’s bleeding.”

You obliged “I cut it on the vase. I think. Also got my leg too but I haven’t checked it out… I’m scared too. It feels bad.” 

He nodded “Your hand doesn’t look too bad just some scrapes.” he gestured to your trouser leg “May I?” you nodded and he rolled it up.

You winced at the pain and he apologised “It’s ok.” you squeeze your eyes tight. How bad is it?” you could feel the warm wetness on your knee.

“It’s not nothing. I’ll clean it up a little but I think you have some glass in there. I don’t want to mess with it too much but I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you.”

The man got to work on your knee. During a particularly painful part you reached up and grabbed his shoulder. The man allowed you to squeeze it.

“Alright that’s all done. Anything else?”

“I hit my head pretty bad.” you admitted “It hurts a lot.” the splitting pain from initially hitting it had eased slightly but it was still bad. 

“Feel sick? Drowsy?”

“No, it just hurts.” 

“Alright.” he nodded to himself “What a ghost hey?”

You genuinely laughed this time. 

“Now that’s what I like to see. Alright, let’s get you to the hospital.”

“The scene-”

“We technically can’t take it anymore because of this little…” he words trailed off.

“Yeah, yeah I knew that.” you shook your head “I’m sorry I just forgot.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry.”  He gave you a sad smile as he packed away the supplies. “Ready to stand?”

You nodded “I might need some help” The man got to his own feet in front of you.

“That’s ok.” he put his hands out and you took them gratefully. “On three. One, two, three.”

On his count you got to your feet and he supported you. As you stood you attempted to take some uneasy steps.

“It’s alright I’ve got you.” he reassured. 

You smiled as he slipped a bag strap over his shoulder. “We’ll stop at the hospital first then go back to the lab.”

“Sounds good to me.” 

The man kept you close and supported you as you walked out to the car, he helped you into the passenger's seat before throwing his kit into the trunk and slipping into the driver's seat.

The journey to the hospital was quiet, and he kept looking at you throughout to make sure you were awake and ok. Although you said you were fine he couldn’t help but worry.

Nick parked up the car and was at your side instantly opening the door and helping you out. He sat you down in the waiting area before registering you into the emergency room it didn’t take long for someone to call you into a room. Nick stayed silent and by your side the entire time, watching the Doctor clean and dress the wound appropriately.

“That’s you all set. I’d suggest staying away from heavy work or even taking the rest of the day off. Rest the leg and let it heal.”

And with that you were being sent away from the busy emergency room. 

“Back to the lab or home?” Nick offered, knowing which you would pick.

“Lab. I need to make myself useful in some way. Even if it’s just looking at footage or research.”

“Thought so.” he smiled “You just won’t stop will you?”

“Stopping isn’t in my nature.”

“You know they’re going to try and force you to take time off and give you the ‘don’t push yourself’ talk right?”

“I know I just can’t be home alone. I feel like I’m wasting my time.”

“I get that.” there was a pause “but seriously if you need some time off and want company take it and I’ll take some time as well.”

You took a second and thought it over “I can’t ask you to do that.” 

“Yes you can.” he laughed “We’ll get some take out and watch a movie.”

“Only if I can pick. The last movie we watched was terrible.”

“In my defence Greg picked out that movie.”

“True. We have another movie night with him tomorrow so you better pick a good one.” you teased.

“Only the finest.” 

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Nick Stokes: @wanniiieeee​  @pumpkinfriend

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