#i myself dont agree with some of this.
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actually back to designate exact species for all the great beasts and say what similar animals can and cant be summoned yayyyy
Briggan the Wolf - grey wolf, nominate subspecies: eurasian wolf (Canis lupus lupus)
can be summoned: red wolf (Canis rufus), domestic dogs (any breed) (Canis familiaris)*, foxes (genus Vulpes)
cant be summoned: tundra wolf (Canis lupus albus), arabian wolf (Canis lupus arabs), himalayan wolf (Canis lupus chanco) and other grey wolf subspecies under Canis lupus
*some argue dogs are actually a subspecies under Canis lupus but as seen in the books and game domestic dogs can be summoned so ive decided to include them as their own species. ive also extended this for all domesticated species as apparently a lot of experts disagree on whether they should be counted as their own species or a subspecies
Uraza the Leopard - leopard, nominate subspecies: african leopard (Panthera pardus pardus)
can be summoned: clouded leopard (Neofelis diardi), snow leopard (Panthera uncia), jaguars (Panthera onca)
cant be summoned: amur leopard (Panthera pardus orientalis), indian leopard (Panthera pardus fusca) javan leopard (Panthera pardus melas) and other leopard subspecies under Panthera pardus
Jhi the Panda - panda, nominate species: giant panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca melanoleuca)
can be summoned: red panda (Ailurus fulgens), literally any other bear (family: Ursidae) except polar bear (Ursus maritimus)
cant be summoned: quinling panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca qinlingensis)
Essix the Falcon - gyrfalcon (Falco rusticolus)
can be summoned: anything else in the Falco genus
can't be summoned: the other three members of the hierofalco subgenus: Lanner falcon, (Falco biarmicus), Lagger falcon (Falco jugger), Saker falcon (Falco cherrug)**
**these were included because gyrfalcon has no subspecies but exists in a subgenus in the Falco genus called hierofalco, which contains only three other species. these species apparently readily interbreed and have fully fertile offspring. theyre also one of the only subgenus (the other being the hobby birds under hypotriorchris), all other falcons exist under the Falco genus
Arax the Ram - bighorn sheep, nominate species: rocky mountain bighorn sheep (Ovis canadensis canadensis)
can be summoned: mountain sheep (Ovis ammon), barbary sheep (Ammotragus lervia), domestic sheep (Ovis aries)
cant be summoned: sierra nevada bighorn sheep (Ovis canadensis sierrae), desert bighorn sheep (Ovis canadensis nelsoni)
Rumfuss the Boar - wild boar, nominate species: central european boar (Sus scrofa scrofa)
can be summoned: common warthog (Phacochoerus africanus), domestic pig (Sus domesticus), red river hog (Potamochoerus porcus)
cant be summoned: north african boar (Sus scrofa algira), Indian boar (Sus scrofa cristatus), central asian boar (Sus scrota davidi) and other boar subspecies under Sus scrofa
Dinesh the Elephant - asian elephant, nominate species: sri lankan elephant (Elephas maximus maximus)
can be summoned: african bush elephant (Loxodonta africana), african forest elephant (Loxodonta cyclotis)
cant be summoned: indian elephant (Elephas maximus indicus), sumatran elephant (Elephas maximus sumatranus)
Suka the Polar Bear - polar bear (Ursus maritimus)
can be summoned: literally any other bear (family: Ursidae)
cant be summoned: there are no subspecies or extremely close relatives of the polar bear!
Mulop the Octopus - giant pacific octopus (Enteroctopus dofleini)
can be summoned: literally any other octopus ever (order: Octopada, any family, any genus)***
cant be summoned: there are no subspecies or extremely close relatives of the giant pacific octopus!
***that is, if they can actually be summoned. there are no other cases of a non mammalian marine animal being summoned and mulop is an exception as no one is supposed to be able to summon the great beast species
Carboro the Lion - lion (Panthera leo)
can be summoned: mountain lion (Puma concolor)
cant be summoned: there are no subspecies or extremely close relatives of the lion!****
****a subspecies Panthera leo melanochaita does technically exist however experts debate over its validity due to the overlap with Panthera leo leo so ive decided to not count it
Ninani the Swan - mute swan (Cygnus olor)
can be summoned: black swan (Cygnus atratus), black-necked swan (Cygnus melancoryphus) and other swans (genus: Cygnus)
cant be summoned: there are no subspecies or extremely close relatives of the mute swan!
Halawir the Eagle - golden eagle, nominate species: european golden eagle (Aquila chrysaetos chrysaetos)
can be summoned: bald eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus), harpy eagle (Harpia harpyja), wedge-tailed eagle (Aquila audax) and other "true eagles" (genus: Aquila)
cant be summoned: iberian golden eagle (Aquila chrysaetos homeyeri), asian golden eagle (Aquila chrysaetos daphanea), japanese golden eagle (Aquila chrysaetos japonica) and other golden eagle subspecies under Aquila chrysaetos
Gerathon the Serpent - king cobra (Ophiophagus hannah)
can be summoned: ring necked spitting cobra (Hemachatus haemachatus), indian cobra (Naja naja)
cant be summoned: there are no subspecies or extremely close relatives of the king cobra!
Kovo the Ape - gorilla, nominate species: western lowland gorilla (Gorilla gorilla gorilla)
can be summoned: any subspecies of eastern gorilla (Gorilla beringei), chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes), sumatran orangutan (Pongo abelii)
cant be summoned: cross river gorilla (Gorilla gorilla diehli)
Tellun the Elk - elk, roosevelt elk (Cervus canadensis roosevelti)*****
can be summoned: european fallow deer (Dama dama), red deer (Cervus elaphus), whitetail deer (Odocoileus virginianus)
cant be summoned: tule elk (Cervus canadensis nannodes), manitoban elk (Cervus canadensis manitobensis), rocky mountain elk (Cervus canadensis nelsoni) and other elk under Cervus canadensis
******the nominate species of elk is the eastern elk (Cervus canadensis canadensis), which is unfortunately extinct
and as a final note - just because its theoretically possible doesnt mean that it has or will happen, this was just an excuse to do a bunch of research and taxonomy is dodgy at best ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
the concept that the great beast species cant be summoned as spirit animals is very interesting to me, because in the game you can summon a red wolf when briggan is wolf. now obviously we can assume that briggan is a grey wolf so summoning a red wolf is theoretically possible, even if they look quite similar in real life.
but that brought me to the question, what animals could you summon that are similar to the great beasts?
assuming uraza is an african leopard, can you summon an amur leopard? these two are very similar and only really differ through their habitat. lets look at their taxonomy. the amur leopard (Panthera pardus orientalis) and the african leopard (Panthera pardus pardus) are actually subspecies of the same species, with the african leopard being the nominate subspecies (repeats the species name as its subspecies, essentially the "default").
is being separated by subspecies enough? lets looks at the taxonomy for a grey wolf (Canis lupus) and a red wolf (Canis rufus). As you can see they are not subspecies but rather two separate species. using this i would conclude that animals must be separated by species (not subspecies) from the closest related great beast.
therefore, because uraza is the nominate subspecies for her species, it can be concluded that all great beast whose species contain subspecies would be the nominate subspecies and thus other subspecies such as the amur leopard can not be summoned.
this is also supported in books when abeke says that people can summon cheetahs (Acinonyx jubatus), but not leopards. cheetahs are not even in the same genus as leopards and all other leopards in the area are subspecies. other species of "leopard" (eg. clouded leopard (Neofelis diardi), snow leopard (Panthera uncia) and the jaguar (Panthera onca)) are all separated by a species if not more.
#i myself dont agree with some of this.#you shouldnt be able to summon any species of gorilla cobra swan eagle or falcon tbh#but the canon material itself says that as long as their not the same species!#spirit animals#spirit animals books#spirit animals series#spirit animals scholastic#erdas#greencloaks#uraza spirit animals#briggan spirit animals#spirit animals game#shut up gremlin#jhi spirit animals#essix spirit animals#arax spirit animals#rumfuss spirit animals#dinesh spirit animals#suka spirit animals#mulop spirit animals#carboro spirit animals#ninani spirit animals#halawir spirit animals#gerathon spirit animals#kovo spirit animals#tellun spirit animals
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#hate how there’s no way to talk about (ie complain sorry) having a large following without sounding like a Bitch w a humongous head#like I can’t say anything about how I don’t like it without sounding ungrateful (?) or sounding self important#like who tf am I to think anything I do or say matters to anyone one a broader scale just bc I have some followers on a silly website?#I myself agree b*tch I’m just some girl!!!! but another faction of my followers think I’m incredibly important somehow#and they go thru everything I say/rb with a fine toothed comb. or read a lot into what I DONT say but apparently should have..?#it’s exhausting I’m sorry lmfao I can’t imagine how draining it would be if I had anon on still#it’s even big headed to acknowledge I have a large following. like yeah I do. it just kinda happened sorry#I don’t REGRET it in fact I like it quite often but just in little spurts#but idk what I’m saying is there’s a feeling of pressure to make public my thoughts and feelings that I hate
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listen i dont care about 99.9% of queer discourse but can we please stop forgetting that intersex people exist (or tacking them on as an afterthought in a way that doesnt even make sense)
#ray speaks#funnn fact i kind of consider myself to be neither intersex nor perisex but a secret third thing (i have pcos)#(some people consider pcos to be an intersex condition and i dont really agree but i also dont entirely disagree)
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next yasammy week day is my fav entry of mine
#in terms of my art style actually agreeing with me and it being cute af if i do say so myself#i completely rewrote all my plans the day before which is why i dont feel happy abt some of these but i LOVE this one#yasammy
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#‘If you don't want to answer’ anon#yeah it’s a bit to early to talk about it and knowing this fandom it probably will never be the right time either#i tend to agree with you because I’m that sort of person that stands up for others when I feel there is something wrong going on#i like to confront people and I like to make things very clear#knowing this about myself I always struggle when the others dont do the same#and yeah if you keep Louis out of the equation#as you said he suffered from it too but still took the chance to speak up#(even if his fans are nasty and mostly stupid and i tell that with any possible intention of sounding rude and pretentious)#so you know his words fell a but unheard because that rage and hate kept going#i tend to agree with you on that#but they don’t ever talk or take any position like ever#it’s frustrating because you can’t take actions and try your best to soothe such strong negative emotions#and the fact they didn’t and never do… yeah it’s disappointing but also not really?#cause i don’t expect them too yk?#i think that if they were aware of what was going on now they are now already guilty tripping#i hope they’re taking care now but also i hope this is some sort of wake up call#to stop such waves of criticism and anger towards someone unreasonably#and just show support and do whatever you can to protect humanity#with kindness and respect. not only with words you know
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Brings me immense joy to see the Classicvania renaissance happening lately. So much fresh love for the old games, their stories and characters pouring in and despite having moved on to the Souls fandoms myself, I just want to say how glad I am that more people are seeing the beauty of the classic CV games at last ✨️
#sin speaking#(hi i am alive. just about. its autumn at last...)#(i will always have a soft spot for cv and the games. i left the fandom largely bc it was so intolerable as a space due to SOMETHING!!!!)#(but seeing the collective wake-up and newfound love for one of my favourite franchises has made me and my friends so immensely happy.)#(fun fact! i actually only got into Souls games bc a friend of mine kept lamenting [lol] over their desire for a bloodborne style cv game)#(then i played bb myself and a) i agree. i would sacrifice multiple of my organs on the altar for a quirky soulslike cv game lmao)#(and b) that was the beginning of my downward spiral into yharnam and i have yet to ever leave. funny how the dominos fall like that)#(ive been artblocked as all HELL just lately regrettably. very low mood. very low in esteem. very moderately down in the dumps as it were.)#(but seeing all the traction on my old cv art makes me smile. and also cringe bc oof it looks so bad to me now 😂😂😂)#(But that being said i would love to redraw some of it. its vampire season why not. maybe some cv x bb crossovers would be fun too.......)#(anyway hi ive been languishing playing lotf and praying for lop news soon hows your september doing)#(i dont go there but that dbd collab has done wonders for classicvania. imagine how shaken i was to see hd 3d trevor models in 2024. unreal)#(me from 4 years ago would have been OBNOXIOUS about it.)
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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wait did getting un-shadowbanned un-green me on shinigami eyes. how does that work.
#tbf the green looks bad with my custom theme and i dont think its that hard to figure out i am trans (and not transphobic)#and i have a bit of beef with some recent decisions behind shinigami eyes (mainly the opinion on the word “theyfab”...)#(which is 4chan transphobic shit and i dont really appreciate people trying to retroactively revise it to be about transmisogyny#considering transmisogynist is already a gender-neutral word.. and making someones gender into an insult is.. transphobic. actually.)#i know any crowdsourced platform is going to have difficulties agreeing what is or isnt sufficiently bigoted/friendly but like still.#anyway#i might green myself again at some point idk
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bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool
#you sound like every cishet republican man to me#you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao#im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism.#you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want#doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans.#damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew#literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising.#when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret#eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure???#you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst#members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson#you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle#but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan.#literally grow tf up.#if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem#bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now#idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat?#not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it.#its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever.#if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to#animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.
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im going to start mauling people if they keep trying to ask me about my discourse positions. "what do you think about [x]" ok well first off i don't think about it. at all. secondly the weather is nice today. thirdly i'm going to go play outside. have a good day
#not directed at anyone here. to be clear#sorry i am a little frustrated#i used to be in the Discourse Trenches back in the day and it really enabled me to just be. a huge fucking dick to whoever i wanted and it#was an awful time for not only me but of course the people around me. i Refuse to entrench myself in any sort of online discourse again#and also i think online discourse has made some people completely unable to figure out what is and what is not an actual problem and not#just something they've misconstrued or exaggerated the consequence of in their head.#if it is not causing direct harm to the person in question or the people around them (and no discomfort is not harm) then i dont care.#online discourse 90% of the time not only waters down any sort of “issue” it seeks to solve but completely destroys any and all nuance out#of fear of being seen as “agreeing” with the “other side” and thus alienated from spaces and being misconstrued and disliked and etc etc et#i am soo over it. i'm gonna go play sportsball or something
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#i dunno man#everytime i read some new thing about covid and long covid#i just feel like im losing my marbles#im the only one still masking it feels like#nobody at my drs offices wear them even the soecialists#my therapist acts like this is an irrational fear of mine#so i dont talk about it as much#shes happy im not isolating myself. and not full of crippling guilt when i do go out#which is good#i agree with her on that#but. ive been numbering my bags with my n95s since i rewear them a few times#ive been using n95s since i took this job. three years in october#which is wild the longest ive worked in one place is just over a year--all seasonal work or short internships. not because i leave#or get fired/laid off#but im getting down to the end of the alphabet#i dont know what ill do when i do#literally as far as labels but also like. its a lot you know?#im debating trying new mask styles. i wanted to ages ago but hoped. i wouldnt need to wear them for much longer#now it feels like i always will.#so. second best time to plant a tree and all.#i want to get out and make friends and do fun stuff. but it's so fuckibg hard and scary#how can i make friends when i cant relax in small indoor spaces#when i. cant eat out at restaurants (due to food issues and masking)#when inviting people to my house makes me anxious for days#how can i make friends under those circumstances?#im so lonely. and so envious#of my friends who do stuff and gave partners. i want that for me but i cant have it. before it was because i moved. ecery 3-6 months#now its this. is it realky any wonder that i nearly cried reading that fic the other day#when Etho took off his mask. and it was treated so fucking kindly and like the trust geasture it was? that it would be. for me?#maybe trust is the wrong word. i dont know. comfort? feeling safe in a space with someone who respects me and my health?
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been freaking out over an assignment since the term started and just forced myself to start and now i'm at almost 1k words yay
#the instructor is sooo confusing like no one understood it and i still dont tbh! but his grading style is such that it doesnt matter lmao#its such a broad assignment that its way to easy for me to get overambitious and overwhelm myself super easily to the point where i cant#start so i'm trying to do a simpler thing than my automatic impulse was. but i'm trying to do it Well.#still need to organize it better and insert some quotations but yeah#it was meant to be due two weeks ago but literally no one did it cuz he was not clear about the due dates and also not clear on the#assignment lmao so last class was dedicated just to explaining it and hes still not even clear like its just. too broad for people i think#he thinks that makes it easier but the students do not agree...
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vash w this hairstyle is literally so cute.. .. wolfwood matchies or smt T__T
#litearlly dont talk 2 me i saw the knives panel again and smashed everuthing inmy room and set myself on fire#am i wrong 4 thinking that he shouldve had a little more time.am i wrong for thinking this guy.having lived in terrible fear#his whole life 4 what he thought could happen 2 him. to his brother. DID happen 2 his sister#should be able 2 experience some happiness and comfort for once#like yeah the guy killed hundreds of thousands SUREE ok.AND??? let the guy breathe a little#BAHAHA no i think i do still agree w the ultimate ending of him using the last of his energy 2 generate that apple tree#its sweet and i do like the sentiment it was just. Too.soon after it was literally right after#and im like coughing and hacking and wishing.that he and vash couldve spent those few months living (somewhat) peacefully#and secluded.before everything that happened#i guess there is a bittersweet tinge to knives dying before vash woke up / could say gbye but idk.i just grieve 4 this guy#even if a clean redemption isnt like#feasible in a sense U KNOW!!!!!!! but then again i dont think. satisfying endings have to be clean cut and perfect#like he doesnt have to be redeemed i think. not everyone needs Redemption as it exists in its current form#&& i do think that even after all he did.comma.he wasnt entirely wrong?like you cant rly blame him 4 rejecting coexistence#based on the way plants have historically been treated (assuming he also telepathized with exploited plants after the great fall)#though not to say that his decisions/methodology is right ykwim#and i know yeaa yeaa there was a lot of hypocrisy in how he used the other plants 2 amass power#ok this is literally getting too convoluted there r so many conditional aspects to this but long story short i do thnk he deserved.#a little something at the end;______; even if just 4 me to see art of them together post-final arc .#< me dragging my knuckles in the sand w open wounds or smth#sry vash post turned into knives sadblogging EHAHEHA but its like the nature of this^ guys life anyways LMAO#trigun spoilers#trigun maximum#trigun#vash
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Going 2 see if i can stay home today because my sickness has gotten progressively worse
#even the school nurse agreed i needed to go to the doctor ?? and my dad for some reason isnt taking me?#and i would drive myself but i still dont have a drivers license like three years after i was supposed to get it‼️#andiv3r rambles
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#my mom hasnt decided about driving to Toronto#i told her i need an answer#ideally now. but i feel bad bugging her#she thinks i should wait and see if prices go down#and she thinks i shouldn't spend so much money on a concert ticket#and i agree. i dont want to. i think its insane that they resell them for so much.#but its my money. and i get to decide what this concert is worth#i was telling her the prices are going up and i dont want them to turn impossible.#and she kept asking how much are they how much are they how much are they#i didn't wanna tell her bc i knew shed judge me but i did. and she did#i almost feel like she thinks she'll be doing me a favor by not helping me get there bc i wont spend the money#but she really really wouldnt be#i was hoping i could buy one for tomorrow and just go by myself and not make it her issue#but theyre more than im willing to pay for crappy seats#and she said i dont want you to go at any cost and like!!!! im not!!!!!#i hate myself for stooping low enough to accept resale prices but im not spending all of my money#and i have standards for prices for where the seats are#i made the decision to sell my vienna ticket before the shows were canceled bc i knew it was thr responsibile thing to do!!!!!#i will not drive 12 hours to toronto by myself!!!!!!#im doing it at more cost than i would like but not any cost. and id also like to not be judged for it#and also. its so important to me. and if i explain how important it is. id probably get judged for that too#idk man. she said she's gonna look some now at Toronto traveling expenses#she didn't say she would have an answer by tonight#you would think if she doesn't want me to spend a crazy amount of money she would have some urgency about answering me#ig she just doesnt wanna tell me no.#idk. idk. idk. maybe i will figure out some way to go to Toronto by myself if she says no#maybe ill buy an even more ridiculously priced ticket for tomorrow#idk. ahahhahahajahahahahah
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my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)
me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha
#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at#like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here!#i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE#i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality#and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way#& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person#but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone#like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH#idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better#and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell#not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell#that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point#i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people#and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off#when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards#hella goes home
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