#i mostly compartmentalize u know

[chekovsphaser]

Been imaginary-podcasting too hard about my parents+growing up and I'm really remembering how much I resent them.

[conceptofjoy]

how do u imagine the Dynamic between dave and davepeta postgame. ik ur more of a dsprite fan than dp but i think it could/would be Very fascinating. plays a role in cracking daves eggy loking thign

i love both very dearly :) i draw dsprite a lot more partly bc of the self imposed sprite rules i made for my pc au. seb’s an exception, lets just say some kind of splinter bullshit happened lol.

pre retcon dave had that convo w jade abt ds. the way he talked abt him’s can be easily summarized by saing “hes me when it’s beneficial and not me when it makes me uncomfortable/ makes me need to confront some things.”

he’d totally just compartmentalize any interactions in that way lmfao. oh so youre a catbird sprite thing? alright im an ally do your thing bro i mean they. nepeta’s side of things wants to just PRY him open and the dave side’s like this is going to be so much fun. dps wants to fuck with him SOOO badly but also doesnt want him to run away from the egg crackification process. dave keeps avoiding dps not so casually but jade keeps looking at him disappointedly so they have to hang out. jade knows that theyre pulling something’s so tells dps to ease up on dave but thats literally an impossible ask.

dps explains some stuff about the gender thing bc dave is only casually interested. totally.

DAVE: so like a boy and a girl came together to make a nonbinary person?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B//< ummm

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< something like that!

DAVE: i dunno it seems pretty clear cut

DAVE: oh shit unless the bird also had some kinda bird gender and shook things up

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: >B33< yeah i had to do all kinds of gender maths as soon as i came into existence

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< did you know bird gender and cat gender cancel each other out?

DAVE: no shit?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< no that was a joke dump ass!

DAVE: i knew that

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< sure

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< well i dont think the bird had anything to do with the gender maths. or the sword

DAVE: sword gender…

DAVE: wait wasnt the bird a mama bird?

DAVE: seemed pretty intent on keeping our game egg to herself remember?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B00< ohhh yeah

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< my bad

DAVE: you remember being a bird???

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< no comment

DAVE: oh shit thats not very dave of you

DAVE: any dave i know would jump right into a whole spiel about how tough life is as a single bird mom

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: >B33< well dave thats because… im not you!

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< we went over this before! lets go back to the gender thing

DAVE: yeah yeah

DAVE: ok gender

DAVE: so a human boy a troll girl a bird mom and a sword walk into two kernel sprites

DAVE: wait shit do the kernel sprite have genders too?

DAVE: kernel gend-

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: XOO< holy shit i think i get what equius went through

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< do you see what youre doing to me dave? youre making me sympathize with a sweaty and incredibly silly 13 year old troll boy

DAVE: haha youre funny as shit

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< thank you

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< yeah while the other components probably added some other gender stuff

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< it was mostly dave and nepeta’s gender that influenced mine

DAVE: yeah alright

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< like nepeta for example

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< grew up away from society and barely had to deal with the caste system

DAVE: sure

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< theres specifc roles assigned to each gender and caste but nepeta just didnt get the memo

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< despite the friend group being a pretty non hemoist

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B??< hemoist?

DAVE: sure hemoist

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< well despite the group being all “who gives a crap about your blood color and gender”

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< nepeta still felt like there was just something no one decided to tell him that dictated every interaction he had with everyone else

DAVE: yeah i totally get tha-

DAVE: wait “him”?

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< …

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: ‘833< what?

DAVE: wait was nepeta a boy???

DAVE: oh shit how did no one ever correct me this whole time-

DAVE: no wait pause

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: ‘B33< paws

DAVE: paws

DAVE: no stop that

DAVE: if nepeta’s a boy and im a boy…

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: ‘B33< …

DAVE: were you lying about the bird gender thing or???

DAVEPETASPRITE^2:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< yes dave. i really am part boy gender and part bird mom gender

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33< *SIGH* i think thats enough for today. i tried my best

DAVE: huh?

[meruz]

(Sorry in advance if you've been asked this before!) Hello, I was wondering: how do you do pre-orders? I've been considering them for a while, but I'm not sure if they would be more or less complicated than selling merch the regular way lol

HII I HATE DOING PRE-ORDERS but i am currently preparing to do some pre-orders so i guess this is relevant uh lemme bullet point this so i dont get rambly. still going under the cut tho.

on the front end its not any different from regular orders. just set up your online storefront the same as ever. some online point of sale setups have a preorder function/category and some do not but its rly not crazy different from a normal order because functionally you are taking payment for product like that doesnt change. i think expectations are the biggest change on the front end so as long as you make it VERY CLEAR upfront to the customer that this is a preorder and they are going to pay now but get the product much later. its fine. normally this entails like typing the words PRE-ORDER in the product name and description and checkout basically as many places as possible. this is mostly so the customer knows whats up and also so people dont email you angry or sad abt why they havent gotten the order. many things about an online store u just do to minimize emails.

I don't like doing pre-orders because you have to hold on to the customer info for longer (until the pre-order is complete) and compartmentalize it/sort it seprately from your normal orders. and especially if you charge money for stuff like shipping and fulfillment u get all this money that WILL BE USED LATER but until then you CANNOT USE. And i just hate holding other peoples money and just WAITING while it takes months for me to fulfill my side of the bargain. BECAUSE I HATE RESPONSIBILITY!!! AND I HATE KEEPING PEOPLE WAITING!!! but thats just me and my issues. this is what makes pre-orders difficult for me.

idk if this helps but i hope it does... thanks for asking but you guys should really ask someone better i think

[avonne-writes]

i have a bit of a silly question :) how do u think gale feels/ what does he do if one of his kids is sick and throws up on him? hear me out because i grew up with my mom being all “oh nothing grosses you out when it’s your own child” but in my mind parents are still people and they can have things that gross them out!! i think what matters is how you react in the moment and we all know he definitely wouldn’t make them feel bad about it. but do you have any thoughts? would bucky mostly be the one who deals with cleaning up when one of their kids gets the stomach flu? would gale reassure them if that were to happen but then as soon as possible take a shower? or would he just… not care?

No silly questions here 😊

I think Gale is pretty good at compartmentalizing and also at controlling gut reactions, so I think he would be able to stay (outwardly) calm and reassure the child.

Inside though? He’d be grossed out so bad! 😄 Oh, he would care, definitely. Instant shower, clothes in the washing machine.

Gale can handle anything if he must, but if there's a choice, he’s not going to be the one cleaning up messes. It’s almost impossible to squick Bucky out, so this works for them just fine.

[superhero--imagines]

OH jason todd headcanons but id love to hear what u think about jason’s persona as the red hood involved in relationships (like does he separate everything and make sure you never even find out or)

Ooooooooo

Okay. So I very much think one Mr, Jason Todd is an amazing learner—and so what he’s learned from other Superhero’s (Mostly Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, and Diana Prince) is that there needs to be some compartmentalization, but that there should be fluidity for the very important people in your life as well.

So at first, when you guys start dating it’s very much like—when I’m with them I’m just Jason Todd, a twenty something who doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his life. And when he isn’t with them he’s the Red Hood.

And honestly I think it starts to mess with his sense of identity a bit. It puts him in a really bad headspace, like he can’t find a way to relate to sense of self outside of when he’s with it without you, and it just leads to some very toxic dependent tendencies. It’s only when he finally can’t take it anymore, hiding it from you, that he starts to get better.

You make him go to therapy, and it’s never outright spoken about because it is a secret, but it starts to help.

[yakdee]

nonnie here! I like the idea of pen pals! Especially because I feel guilty for taking so long to respond, so the snail mail vibe works for me. But here we go in response to the last one!

S&M by Rihanna for Even Sun, I want to say it's not because it's a sexy scene! It's just really funny and for some reason, that song feels like it could have changed the scene or made it more comical if they'd been able to use it or thought of it.

Last Twilight is definitely a show I would still recommend even if I am disappointed with how they handled the disability at the end. I have rewatched it again just to catch some of the other things I loved and they did get a lot of things right. So I hope people will still watch it. Just know that the ending isn't as good as it could be. It's not terrible it's just unsatisfying to me.

I am now at 87 finished, 5 sitting in the probably not gonna finish bucket (which is hard for me as a completionist) and about 5 that I am working on, most of them slowly because I want to finish them but they are tough to watch for one reason or other, and one of them that I am loving so much I am watching as it drops which I don't typically do, but that one is Wandee Goddday and I LOVE it so much!!! I have also watched a number of shorts and one movie.

I am keeping track in a google doc lol. I really wish I had thought to track it in a spreadsheet so I could mark when I finished each but I am too far in now! But I think I might still make a spreadsheet because I like sheets. We'll see. And I use MDL mostly for finding shows and figuring out what to watch next based on actors. Oh the google doc is sitting just over 18K words, so I have thoughts!

You mentioned the different countries and taking on same shows, like Cherry Magic and Why R U, I admit I still need to find the Japanese CM, but I have now watched both Why R U? and I love both versions, especially because I was able to compartmentalize the Thai one and not let it affect how I felt about the Korean one and I love them both. Just need to find the Japan Cherry Magic because the gifs I have seen look so good.

I still love my old top 4 but I have another 4 that are my favs too that I have to mention which are Semantic Error, Unknown, To My Star (both) and The Eclipse (with the caveat that I had some issues with it and wanted to change a few things but I did love Akk/Aye and the protestors so much!) To My Star hit me in a way I did not expect a BL to hit me, and I found some healing watching it. I am finding that BLs often address very real things that hit me kind of hard, and I am okay with that.

I've also learned that there are not happy ending BLs and I have to say I kinda hate them. But I have watched at least 4? Maybe 5 now, and only one was I okay with the fact that it wasn't a particularly happy ending, although they kind of hinted at something at the end, but it felt like it wasn't enough. That was Kissable Lips, which is the same couple from Poondock that I really liked. I liked the unique play on vampires (I have a thing for vampire shows but I didn't like two western vamp shows or rather I couldn't get into them, they were good but just didn't pull me in like I thought they would) and I know I have some more Vampire BLs I need to check out. Seriously hoping the Boun Vamp show is good, though I like the old name better than the new name LOL

Last but not least, about my cat and The Sign, I have rewatched it again on the big screen to see what if anything draws her attention, and I have to say you're a genius, she seems to like Phaya the most. AND SHE DEFINETLY LIKES HIM IN BIRD FORM!!! How did I not pick that up before?! AND she did like Saint in bird form too, in fact she tried to jump up on the place where the TV is and she fell off. Oh wait...this might mean she wants to eat him...she watches birds out the window like a hawk...it's kind of disturbing sometimes, so maybe she is just hungry and wants to eat them both 😂

Anyways still loving the BL world and cannot seem to pick a genre or a country that's a fav so I love them all, even the ones that pissed me off LOL

Sorry for the late response, my life got kinda flipped upside down and I am grateful for BL because it has given me something to distract me from the not so great thing. I am okay, just some people did some horrible things and I am trying to sort through it. In fact BL is kinda saving my sanity right now.

Thanks again Rae you made my world a better place with the BLs

K 💜

Hi nonnie~ great! pen pals it is! I also feel guilty for taking a while to respond… case in point this reply which I didn’t realize is over a month out orz

Re Even Sun: Ah, I understand. Idk when time will permit (there are so many things to watch this summer 😭), but I look forward to watching it at some point so I can get the full effect of what you’re saying.

Re Last Twilight: Yeah, that was the general consensus for the ending, but I still plan on giving it a chance since I enjoyed gif-watching it while it aired. I know what to expect, so the (potential) disappointment with how things ended won’t be as great.

Whoa, 87 already?! What’s your binging method? I gotta step up my game XD Seriously though, as I said last time, I definitely feel you because I am also a completionist but sometimes we have to take the L no matter how much it goes against our nature. Always remember, enjoyment comes first.

It’s been a month since you sent this. How’s it going with the 5 that you were struggling with? Did your interest pique for any of them?

Re Wandee Goodday: Despite a few plot holes and very questionable moments, it has been quite enjoyable for me too.

Ooo shorts! I’m always in the market for good ones — any recs? And if you are looking for some more to watch, I would recommend Trémulo (YouTube), Summerdaze (YouTube), Private Lessons (Gaga), Some More (Gaga), Love Takes Courage (Hold Me) (YouTube), and Please Tell Me So (YouTube). The last 4 recs are from the STRONGBERRY production house which I still highly recommend till this day. The fandom literally has a tag dedicated to them (#in strongberry we trust) which should tell you all you need to know XD

You can find Cherry Magic JP here — happy watching! I have yet to watch the Thai version yet, but it looks great.

Why R U? is one of my all time faves so I have not watched the Korean version because I know I will not be able to compartmentalize. That might change in the future, but for now it’s a no-go for me lol

Those are great additions to the top of your list. They ranked pretty high for me too and I have to agree with your sentiments about To My Star. K-dramas do melancholy characters/vibes very well which can be quite healing for those of us who can relate. Other dramas that I think do this very well are Blueming, Our Dating Sim, and Sing My Crush.

Same, I also don’t do sad endings. I was caught off-guard and utterly devastated once and wish to NEVER feel that way again lol

The vampire bls that have aired recently are not as dark as I’d like them to be but as you said, Revamp looks promising. There is also My Golden Blood, but I don’t think that it’ll air this year anymore.

For the old title of Revamp, are you talking about My Broccoli? If so, I have to agree. The stories are not connected, but that title would've been a nice call back to Boun & Prem's characters in Until We Meet Again.

Wait! It makes total sense that she would like them in bird form for food purposes! Here I thought she was feeling a level of camaraderie. Either way, my previous statement remains true. She indeed has good taste 😂

Glad to hear that you’re doing well despite what has been going on. I hope that things have gotten better and keep trending that way.

Sending hugs and positive vibes~ Talk soon 💜

P.S. I’ve updated your tag to #nonnie k

[a-very-fond-farewell]

hi! hope this reply finds you.. eventually. I accidentally deleted your ask when I actually wanted to delete another one (sorry) but I was meaning to reply to a few people in a single post anyway and took provisional screenshots! so this was a lucky coincidence!

thank you for reading Children of the Red Dust! my pride and joy :D but since you know me from word of honor I.. kind of guess why you would be confused by my previous post about my “fandoms of interest”, as u say.

so, originally (I believe it was around either 2017 or 2018, cannot guarantee on that I’m afraid) this was a side-blog spurred from my need to compartmentalize and gush about my experience of re-reading a few of my favorite fics from the hobbit fandom. back then, in fact, I was in a slump and needed to pick myself up. so I decided to revisit fandoms who had brought me joy in the past, one of which was the bagginshield ship. hence a “nostalgia” blog!

coincidentally, one of the authors of a particular fic among those would have later on (in 2020) influenced my decision to try reading mdzs since they were considering writing a fic about it. they were (and still are!) one of my favorite fic authors, so I trusted them completely on that and that’s how I stepped into the world of danmei!

first it was the untamed, then winter begonia and finally word of honor, through which you have come to meet me :) isn’t that magical?

now. in regards of your second question.. thank you for letting me ramble about my new shiny interests! :D

so here’s a handy list:

1. hotd & r//haenicent :

oh, where do I start! that’s a tough one bc I’m mostly vibing in here?? like. don’t get me wrong, I love the show as it is and I do enjoy the lore behind it a great deal. I’m mostly absorbing the content and let it either shock me or impress me depending on what’s on screen. I do see the flaws but I honestly don’t care about them. I’m just vibing, as I said. but I do like to see people posting meta about the reasoning behind each character! and I love reading about the actors’ ideas behind their back stories and motivations!

my ship of choice is mostly based on the fact that I do like me some toxic-ladies-twice-divorced energy in the room and I should add that I haven’t probably been able to watch killing eve yet just so I could prepare my tastebuds with the hotd female leads first. I especially love the modern!au edits I’m seeing floating around and for now that’s enough to keep me from starving until the new season arrives.

2. the devil judge :

honestly, my focus would be gone on all planes of existence wasn’t it for @/amethystina’s fic (I don’t want to bother her with me tagging her on this, but do trust me and go read it bc it’s gonna change your life!) Who Holds The Devil. seriously, my anxiety has been so bad recently but there she glows, the most massive brain in the universe, bringing us frequent updates despite her busy schedule (and, apparently?? she wrote an entire 100k words fic in the strangers from hell fandom on a whim?? so if that’s your vibe you can go feast on that baby and have a fucking party while you’re at it. thank me later)

no but for real. it’s almost camp. almost. the drama, I mean. all it needs is a feathered boa and it checks out. outlandish villains that do be sounding a little too similar to IRL egotistical capitalist pigs, dangerous pretty ladies, rich bitches (Kang YoHan included), mysteries™️, boytoys and sassy teenagers. there are a few complains I have, ngl, but the vibes are immaculate imo. I would also offer, in a similar vein, kdramas like little women (a recent favorite of mine!), beyond evil (a classic at this point) and, on a bigger scale, the glory (which I have yet to watch, contrary to the first two).

3. helluva boss :

this one caught me off guard, ngl. I used to see it trending on tumblr often but thought it was just the most recent western brand of animation that people get hooked on for the witty dialogue and vaguely philosophical themes being explored (as u can see idk anything about these things, I thought it was similar to adventure time or smth, the fool that I was!). what I got instead was great animation and complex three-dimensional characters overall. now I’ve rewatched the entirety of the available episodes perhaps ten times. honestly, my anxiety really needed that.

as with hotd, I’m just vibing.. but I’m very engaged. I felt almost euphoric at the thought that animators and artists could just.. have fun with it? I’m sure there’s an enormous amount of work involved in the production of every single episode, so I’m just leaning back and enjoy the show. bad gays are hella entertaining and I’m here for it. coincidentally, around the same time I started actively watching the series I found out about a new queer short film that is being developed called the lovers! it’s gonna be a long wait but it’s gonna be worth it :D

4. don’t hug me I’m scared :

this was a fun one. when it first came out (idr when tho) I remember being very uncomfortable with the material. it reminded me of Flat Eric, a yellow puppet used in dance music videos of some artist or smth: it used to terrify me as a child and dhmis evoked the same reaction out of me in the beginning. but then I watched some video essay on the matter and I grew more accustomed to the feel of it and became interested in the though process behind it instead. first video I watched on the topic was about an interpretation of the show through an autistic perspective and the other was a.. I believe a 3 or 4 hours video making an overview on the whole lore behind it.

I’m not very interested in “finding out what does this all mean” or anything of the sort. I’m just here for the cosplays xD no but really, people are so inventive! and they make merchandise and dolls and drawings and full on costumes all on their own! that’s creative as fuck! and it’s unsettling and evocative at the same time. I’m baffled by everyone’s talents and I’m merely wishing to be as good as them ahah.

5. dune & the hunger games :

not sure how this happened. I have read the latter series but not the first, I don’t have time for that. but I can digest a movie or two and the visuals are very interesting to me! also I am a bene gesserit simp and I hate them and their ways in equal measure. idk why but that’s how it is. similarly, I want to see how the cast for the prequel of hunger games does! I’ve heard the lovely viola davis is in it and I’m thrilled to see her being unhinged :D

but mostly, I re-evaluated the entire hunger game trilogy by reading meta posts and fics exploring the story from different perspective in the past and this new movie reignited the interest for the time being, so I’m excited to give it a try! dune, on the other hand, is new for me and it’s helping me bond with my dad on our shared love for sci-fi. what’s not to love??

6. succession :

I’m honestly not sure about this one. I plan to look more into it but idk when I will have the time ahah. if nothing it will entertain me with rich people drama which is always obnoxiously fun to tap into when capitalism fucks me over one way or another. we will see!

thank you for letting me talk into the void xD hope you have a great day yourself!

[waluijoe]

i have this Thing where i ,,,, feel like i am TooMuch as person w too many interests who lie in too many different places, with too many ways to think & talk & feel, and above this all the crown is that i HATE being perceived but i want to talk&learn so badly. 

ive found that in relationships of any kind this could be difficult to deal w... it creates this thing where pple might think i’m extremely intelligent&resourceful&passionate so they idealize me and they will listen but they won’t participate. then i start feeling like i should be a little less so i can stop being intimidating & they can start sharing too. then i never know how to be fully myself again because i’ve understood that if i was, it meant facing disconnect. like, they’ll think they can’t add anything to the convo and 1) not speak, therefore, i feel lonely 2) ignore me entirely (on apps mostly) so somebody else can deal w me instead like im a bother 3) pretend they listen/care but only answer in questions & never actually find meaning in what i say or try to dig deeper into it 4) listen, truly, and keep my ideas w them, and speak those ideas to other pple but never actually follow through much with me by adding to the convo later on or in the moment etc 

or, pple might be judgemental. so then i hide little parts, i hide interests, i speak of them a Little bit because i don’t wanna lie or be a different person, but i never really dig into what i wanna talk abt half as much as i truly want to because i know it won’t be met well. so then i start having this unconscious lists of topics that are palatable depending on who’s in front of me. and i adapt. 

or, i start compartmentalizing my own fkcing personnality. my own interests. can’t talk abt this here, thats fine, i’ll create a twitter specifically for that one thing. oh but now, i wanna talk abt That other thing, slightly linked, but different, maybe thats too chaotic to add here, maybe it doesnt fit, maybe pple will perceive too much, i should create Another twitter for This specific thing ? or maybe i should just not talk abt it. yeah. sounds good too. i have literally 4 tumblrs, 3 different twitters, just so i can safely spread out my interests becos one day i’ll feel like speaking a bit more personnally, the next i’ll feel like “no i should only speak abt the topic when i have meaningful things to say or else i sound DUMB and whiny and pple will see i have feelings that arent greatly worded analysis” im so fkcing HHHH i feel like i won’t let myself exist as a full person ANYWHERE because i keep seeing Other pple and they seem like theyre put together and they only speak One way, they only have Specific likes, they know the social clues, the social contexts, the workings of things, and they fit into it. i dont understand Shit abt anything.. worse, i do, but i don’t fit in and i don’t know how other pple do, and i can’t bring myself to commit to the rules & the fitting in because it makes me feel like a liar. 

maybe i should just Not give a fuck and create a space where i can say whatevr the fuck i want and it wld not matter at all, but i would feel too bad for that if someone perceived it. if im alone, like here, it doesnt mtter, no one reads this. but if i mention a band i like, suddenly my brainworms activate like “if pple search this band, THEY WILL KNWO WHAT U SAID, they will its YOU, theyll think you’re a fkcing PRICK or DERANGED” like okay.. what abt existing huh. you wrong footed fuck. im so tired. i wanna find a meaningful space or some type of freedom but i never feel,,, satisfied. i never feel home anywhere. i never feel home within myself, i hate that pple might see that. 

[ugh-yoongi]

Hi my lovely

Can I please have “my head is a mess” with “you taste like home” for Jimin pls?

You can pick the ship 🥺

(hello jess lovely to see you here, i apologize for how long it has taken me to write literally anything but i have finally finished this for you after it came to me in a fever dream. i hope you enjoy, love u. ♡)

"my head is a mess" / "you taste like home"

pairing: jimin x reader

wc: 1.8k

warnings: swearing, jimin is kind of a sad boi and has approx. 40596 crises in the span of 1.8k words but he gets thru it, mentions of alcohol, unedited bc i'm lazy, ??? overall pretty soft imo

they may take me a while, but feel free to send drabble requests!

Jimin thinks, This is not how this is supposed to go.

Jimin thinks, You deserve something better than this.

Jimin thinks, far too late, I am never drinking again.

But sometimes fate has other plans. The universe reaches its breaking point and intervenes, decides its had enough of the silly little humans and their silly little excuses. Fear, mostly—of rejection, of reciprocation, of heartache. This is not a logical excuse to the universe, so it plots. That nagging voice in Jimin’s head tells him it’s a party, drinking is the done thing, it’s fine. Never mind how loose-lipped he knows he becomes. Never mind that you’d shown up in a dress that made his heart flutter and his legs feel like jelly.

Never mind that he’d had to excuse himself to the bathroom just to cope with years’ worth of repressed feelings hitting him like a fucking freight train.

Because it’d been easy to ignore them. To pretend that things were fine and platonic. Jimin had taken those feelings and compartmentalized them to the point they’d become part of him. Like—oh, there goes Jimin and all those choked-down feelings he wears around his neck. Nothing to see here.

Jimin didn’t like his heart slamming against his ribcage when he looked at you. He didn’t like feeling unsteady on his feet. So he’d dealt with it the only way he knew how: misplaced confidence in his alcohol tolerance and enough drinks to have a lesser man’s liver begging for mercy.

Now he’s here, sitting on a dirty sidewalk with his head in his hands because the embarrassment has his skin flushed and flaming hot. Thinks, again, that it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Thinks, belatedly, of all the ways he would’ve rather done it. Knows, sourly, he had plenty of time and opportunity to have acted on them but chose to be a coward instead.

“What did you say?”

Your voice is steady but hesitant. When Jimin dares to meet your eye, the expression you’re wearing is similar, and he misinterprets it as the regret of having to let him down easy. So he just swallows, tries to play up the drunk angle. Says, “Sorry, my head is a mess,” even though it’s a half-truth.

The full truth is that yes, he’s drunk, but not so drunk he hadn’t known what he was saying. The full truth is that Jimin wouldn’t have bothered being in love with you if you were any less smart, any less inclined to call him on his bullshit, because Jimin can have a fling with anyone but he falls into love kicking and screaming. Drags his feet and resists down to the very last second, which is how it all had come tumbling out of his mouth before he was ready.

“Jimin.” Yours is a tone he’s heard countless times before, though rarely—if ever—directed at him. It nearly shocks him into sobriety. “For fuck’s sake, you just told me you’re in love with me. You don’t get to say something like that and try to play it off.”

For the first time, Jimin’s struck by how quiet it is. There’s just the sound of your mixed breathing, a police siren in the distance. Inside, the party is on its last legs—an occasional whoop from those still playing beer pong, but otherwise muted. When he mutters your name he may as well shout it at the top of his lungs. “I’m sorry.”

You snort. “For what?”

Jimin shrugs. Doesn’t want to answer right away, so he pretends to dig dirt from under his fingernails. “A lot of things.”

“Okay,” is all you say. Despite the expensive fabric of your dress, you sit next to him on the sidewalk, frowning lightly when the cold concrete seeps through to your skin. “D’you wanna talk about it?”

Jimin is so, so embarrassed. He’d prefer to take a cab back to his place and spend three to five months marinating in his shame beneath his duvet and never discuss this again, even under threat of death and/or bodily harm, but he takes a second to breathe. Clears his head. Tells himself he’s been selfish enough for one night and that you deserve some answers, so he swallows the last of his doubt and says, “Sure.”

“Okay,” you repeat. All the implications seem to catch up with you, too, because it’s a long time before you speak again. “Did—did you mean it?”

“Yeah,” he says. Follows that up with, “Yes, of course I meant it,” because just yeah sounds too lackadaisical. Too impersonal, maybe. Not reinforced enough for the severity of this conversation.

A tiny oh escapes you, and Jimin wonders if you thought he’d lied. He loves a good prank, but he can’t imagine joking about something like this. “Since when?”

It’s a heavy question. It shouldn’t be, but it is, because Jimin can have a fling with anyone. He’s attractive and charming enough that there’s no shortage of people willing to fall into his bed, but he’d always kept them at arm’s length. Never really let anyone get too close; didn’t let himself feel too much. So falling in love had been unexpected and not entirely welcome. Still—

“Taehyung’s party.”

Your eyebrows knit together. “What? That was, like, two weeks ago—”

“His birthday,” Jimin clarifies.

Another oh. Taehyung’s birthday was six months ago. Jimin’s been sitting on this for half a year. You know he’s had countless flings since then—all mutually beneficial if not meaningless and empty, never a promise of anything more serious—and he can’t bring himself to wonder what you’re thinking. Do you think he’s a sleaze? You must. Everyone else does. Just another young twenty-something averse to commitment. How cliché.

But Taehyung’s birthday had been something of a revelation. Not a freeze-frame moment by any stretch of the imagination, but something far simpler—

“Do you remember that stupid game we played?”

“Which one?” you ask, voice laced with laughter.

Even though Jimin remembers very little aside from falling in love with you, a party had taken place that night, during which Taehyung had decided the best way to celebrate his twenty-fourth year of life was with immature games, because Taehyung does nothing half-assed, especially his birthdays.

Jimin groans. “You know. The one where everyone had to say who they’d—”

“—Fuck, marry, or kill,” you finish for him. “Oh god, I forgot about that.”

The smile on Jimin’s face is rueful. Of course, he thinks. What had prompted one of many inconvenient crises that night is barely a blip on your radar now. “Yeah, well.”

Do you remember? he wants to ask. Do you remember what you said?

You must, he thinks, because you bump his shoulder with your own and say, “Is it because I said I’d kill that girl you hated?”

Jimin can’t help but laugh. “No.”

“Hm. Is it because I said I’d marry you?” Jimin knows you can see the way his face flushes. “Ah, you’re too easy to fluster, Chim. Is that really why?”

“No,” Jimin argues. “I mean—yeah, I guess? But it’s… it’s more than that. It wasn’t like you said you’d marry me and I was instantly in love with you or anything.” He sighs. Tries to big himself up for this, because it’s now or never and he’s already committed. “Do you remember what everyone else said?”

You shake your head.

“Every single person there said they’d fuck me. Like—I guess that’s nice, right? Everyone wants to feel attractive, wants to be desired. But,” he says the word on an exhale as he fights off the lump in his throat. Tries to ignore the tears threatening to blur his vision. “It stops being fun after a while. It’s not nice anymore when that’s all anyone sees you as. It’s not nice when you’re just the fuckable one. When people debase who you are and only see you as an object.”

“Jimin—”

“I expected you to say the same thing,” he continues. “I mean, fuck—Taehyung says we’re soulmates and even he said he’d fuck me. It was probably the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life. But then it was your turn and you said—”

(“I wouldn’t fuck any of you because you’re all degenerates. I’d marry Jimin, easily, and I’d kill Yeona because she’s a bitch.”)

“It felt like you were the only one who saw me as a person.” He sighs as he tries to make himself small. “I really needed that reminder.”

There’s a moment where Jimin thinks you’re going to bolt. You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes like maybe this is too much, the burden he’s placed on you is too heavy. He wouldn’t blame you, honestly. Jimin kind of wants to bolt, too, but then you’re smiling. Reaching over to grab his hand. Jimin’s sentimental but not nearly romantic enough to put into words how it feels to be touched by you. Something as mundane as holding his hand feels like the end of the world.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Your words are light, teasing. They smooth over Jimin like a balm, let him know he’s okay, his heart is safe with you. Gives him confidence even though he still wants to die a little. “I don’t know,” he says. “Lots of reasons, I guess. You’re my best friend and I didn’t want to ruin what we had, for one, but I also—I know the reputation I have.”

You squeeze his hand a little tighter. “What reputation is that? Because I only know the Jimin who’s kind and selfless and has a smile that lights up the world.” Jimin groans. “I only know the Jimin who threatened a kid in the culinary school to teach him how to make seaweed soup just because I had the flu—”

“I didn’t threaten him,” Jimin whines, though it’s hard to speak when his face feels like it’s on fire.

Undeterred, you continue. “I only know this Jimin,” you say, threading your fingers through his hair. “The one the world expects so much out of. The one who has so much love to give and just wants to be loved in return. The one who’s so, so good—Chim, you have no idea how good you are, okay? You’re enough. You’re more than enough, just as you are.”

Jimin thinks, How could I possibly have resisted falling in love with you?

Jimin thinks, Some things are inevitable, because I was always meant to end up right here.

Jimin thinks, Do you love me, too?

Jimin thinks, You must.

And you can see them—all those unspoken questions on his tongue. You can answer them, too, but you’re nothing if not efficient. So you say, “Kiss me.”

And Jimin does.

Jimin thinks, You taste like home.

And you do.

[conceptofjoy]

hal androidification dilemma. he wouldnt want to look like dirk, BUT that's HIS image too. dude's all hells of in denial of his feelings kind of operating on spite instead so maybe he would go the dirk mirror route?? thinking about it as i type...

idk a lot of things hal says is something he said ironically but it ends up being kinda true because of all that brain gymnastics going on. he says he was fucking around with jake when he asked to call him hal and quickly dodges the self imposed questioning. AND bro does not have an issue rambling when important shit is happening either so u KNOW that was on purpose.

he compartmentalizes his emotions not only in the above example of "feelings of the ones programmed into him vs the ones he has currently", but ANY feelings he doesnt want to acknowledge. the whole "what do i know, im just glasses" thing, is mostly him trying to convince himself that his desires aint legit. he gets called out by roxy and dirk but he still does it. on the other hand with jake, he ends up kind of exploding and telling him off about him undermining his emotions and its clear that he's trying to play it off as another ironic bit afterwards. jake kinda just has that effect on him lol.

went off track ummm. i think he would want a dirk like body, but he would probably get in his own way about it. being a cool formless mech being would sound sooo awesome to him genuinely. he would try to convince himself that this is the best route for him and not just as a novelty. he would totally make so many different kinds of designs too for sureee.

[t7-01]

ok n for character asks: commander fox or thorn or rly any of the coruscant gaurds bros. u pick

omg omg fun fact about me - I LOVE THE CORUSCANT GUARD, i’ll go with fox bc if i debate this too long i’ll just write a character list for every known guard and we’ll be here all day.

fox!

favorite thing about them: oof this is probably fucked up of me, but their internal struggles. i have a hc about fox that he is the direct opposite of jango (and by extension, the direct opposite of cody, who struggles with how similar to jango he is, but that’s a different character list). whereas jango is able to compartmentalize, fox can’t - he struggled as a cadet with feeling things too much, being confused about his extreme loyalty to the republic conflicting with his extreme loyalty to his brothers, and as a result just pushes all of his emotions down in order to get through training. i just think deep down he’s actually full of heart, and is afraid to let that show. i just know he’s the best big brother when he can be.

least favorite thing about them: do i even have to say it? i maintain that close proximity to palpatine meant that fox was often heavily manipulated against his brothers, but still - killing fives was his worst moment.

favorite line: “I can’t say I blame you, Commander Tano. But all the same, you’re under arrest.” - said to ahsoka after she seemingly killed the temple bomber. obviously this line is extremely painful, but it does so much to show his character in such a short amount of time. it’s clear he hated the bomber and wanted vengeance, probably even respected ahsoka’s choices (i imagine, briefly, this moment was the most respect fox ever had for a jedi). but he still must do his duty, always.

brOTP: ooh him and his other coruscant commanders!!! and hound ofc. and also his batchmates, who i hc to be cody, wolffe, bly, and ponds. of all of these characters, i like to think he’s closest to thorn and wolffe, with stone and ponds a close second. cody is the big brother he goes to for advice though.

OTP: i don’t super have one? i don’t really ship him with anyone. i do have an indulgent clone dad jango au where i sometimes think it’d be fun to have him in an enemies-to-lovers romance with a jedi temple guardian, but otherwise i mostly ship him with happiness lmfao.

nOTP: this goes without saying but anything that puts a clone with another clone is a major no-go for me. yikes.

random headcanon: fox and boba would get along spectacularly, and in fact fox tries to look out for boba while he’s in the coruscant detention center, despite his extremely complicated feelings about boba being responsible for ponds’s death.

unpopular opinion: i know this is highly contested, so i guess the fact that i don’t really blame him for fives’s death even if i think it was a low moment. i don’t think palpatine necessarily used the force to make fox kill fives or anything, but i don’t think he had to - the clones were the property of the republic. fox’s choices were essentially follow orders and protect the men under his command from retribution, or spare fives and be either arrested or executed, therefore unable to protect his brothers. we see rex face a similar choice with pong krell’s bad orders.

song i associate with them: oof, that would be “we all die young” by the decemberists. i associate this with all the clones, but ESPECIALLY fox and the coruscant guard. there’s a siren motif at some point that just feels very much like this could be playing the coruscant detention center as some serious shit goes down - it hits hard.

favorite picture of them: was there ever any doubt which one i’d choose?

king of “bitch i AM the manager”

[jackrrabbit]

it will come back [pt. 2] /// Yandere Shigaraki x f!Reader

Summary: You have a bad habit of picking up strays, and the half-dead villain you find bleeding out in a dumpster is no exception. [Part 1] [Part 3]

A/N: Title from the Hozier song—“don’t let it in with no intention to keep it / jesus christ, don’t be kind to it / oh honey don’t feed it / it will come back.”

Tags/warnings: yandere, violence (not directed toward reader), crying, Shiggy REALLY likes you, reader needs a friend and a good night’s sleep, non-explicit sexual content. [In later parts: 18+, sex, other stuff]

He—Tomura—keeps visiting.

At first you think it’s because of the free medical care, and you wish you had the spine to tell him to suck it up and go see a professional. After a couple weeks turn into a couple months and his wounds fade into ragged purple scars, though, you start to think differently.

Within a short time Tomura has figured out your work schedule, and he does a decent job of not showing up after your long shifts. The unavoidable consequence of this is that he ends up monopolizing your precious days off, but you come to the realization about a month and a half in that you don’t actually mind. You like it. It’s like spending time with a friend.

Mostly you guys talk. It doesn’t seem like Tomura really has anyone to talk to the way the two of you do, but that’s probably just you projecting. It’s usually shallow stuff—TV shows you like, video games he plays, funny stories from patients you treated. Sometimes when you’re cooking for yourself, you make extra for him. (It happens a lot, actually, and at one point you bring up how much his appetite is costing you and the next time you see him he brings a bag of rice and makes you a porridge that crunches between your teeth when you try to eat it. You can’t finish yours, but he eats an entire bowl and insists that you’re being picky.)

Sometimes he sleeps over on the couch, but he’s always gone when you wake up.

The two of you skirt around the heavier stuff, and you know it’s intentional on his part. You have to resist the urge to ask him about being a villain—he’s all but confirmed it for you, and it’s human nature to be curious, isn’t it? In the same way you can’t help looking at a car crash, you want to poke and prod and find out what it is, exactly, that Tomura does for a living. That part of his life is suspiciously absent from your discussions—if you didn’t know better, you’d think he spends all of his time sleeping and playing games and breaking into your place.

On the other hand, you don’t want to know. Plausible deniability. You can accept criminality in the abstract, but you’ve treated too many victims of the bullshit hero–villain battle to be comfortable really knowing why Tomura avoids public places.

So you don’t ask about it, and Tomura doesn’t tell, and you don’t look up his name. And it’s easy. It’s nice. You’d forgotten what it’s like to come back to a home that isn’t empty.

And then one day when you get off a few hours early from your shift, you stop by a convenience store to pick up some snacks for yourself (hey, you’ve been working hard, you’re entitled to binge a little on foods that you’re afraid to look at the fat content for), and you think, Hm, I wonder if Tomura wants some.

[You: 7:49 PM] > Are you coming over today? [T: 7:49 PM] > Yeah why [You: 7:51 PM] > Getting snacks > Want some? [T: 7:51 PM] > No

[T: 8:12 PM] > When r u coming back to ur place

[T: 8:58 PM] > Hey where are you

[T: 9:39 PM] > (Y/N)?

There’s a man with a gun in the convenience store.

It takes you a second to process at first. You’re standing in the snack food aisle seeking out Oreos and debating the merits of Double Stuf vs. Mega when you catch the mumbled demand and the metallic clicking noise you’ve only ever heard in movies before. It’s a gun—you know that, but your mind dismisses it because it’s ridiculous. Guns are rare in hero society. People don’t go around robbing bodegas at gunpoint anymore.

(You should know better. You work in a goddamn ER. But you compartmentalize, and the crimes you see written across your patients’ bodies stay out of the realm of your personal life because you need them to.)

It’s only when you see the muzzle of a hunting rifle pushed up to the cashier’s sweaty neck that you really understand what’s happening.

You drop to the ground immediately, looking toward the exit but it’s shut and there’s some kind of metal…thing holding the door closed. The cashier mumbles a denial and you can hear him fumble around with the cash drawer for what feels like ages.

It’s real. This is real. You’re in the middle of a robbery. Where are the heroes? Why isn’t anyone doing anything?

God, you’re a hypocrite, cowering behind the aisle divider and waiting for someone to step up while the robber’s demands get increasingly louder and more frantic. He wants money, and the cashier (who, you remember, is a man in his sixties with hands that shake with Parkinson’s when he holds out your receipt) isn’t being fast enough.

“That’s it? There’s no more? Are you fucking kidding me, there’s gotta be a safe or something—“

“No! No, p-please, I’m sorry, this is all I have!”

You cringe, crushing your eyes closed as if that will make it go away. You’re surprised you can hear at all over the sound of your blood rushing in your ears.

“Don’t fuck with me old man, I know there’s more! Show me the safe or I’ll blow your goddamn brains out!”

No! You have to do something. You can’t just sit here. You’ve heard plenty of death threats from your patients (not to mention that one from Tomura), and you know the difference between a bluff and a serious warning. Maybe you can catch the robber off guard, try to pull the gun away? You stand up quickly, hoping against hope that you won’t regret this, but in a split second you see that the cashier has the same idea and he’s trying to pull the rifle out of the robber’s hand and—

BANG.

Something warm and wet splatters across your face.

///

Tomura is angry when you get back to the apartment. As soon as he hears your key in the lock he rises from your couch so he can grab your collar with three fingers, jerking your head up to force you to look at him. “Where have you been? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting—“

But he cuts short in the middle of his sentence. Maybe because he sees the look on your face. Or maybe he just notices the traces of blood you haven’t been able to wipe off.

“What happened,” Tomura says. It’s not a question. He adjusts his grip slightly so it’s not quite as punishing, but you hold still anyway.

You have to force your mouth open in order to speak, but when your voice comes out it’s more steady than you thought it would be. “It’s not my blood. There was a robbery at the store. The cashier got shot.”

“Oh.” He releases you and frowns. “That’s it?”

“Fuck you.” You push past him into the kitchen to get yourself a drink with trembling hands. Pantry’s out of shōchū, whiskey will just make you sicker—ahh, there it is. Baijiu. The glug glug glug of the liquor into the glass does nothing to put your nerves at ease, but you pour yourself a double anyway.

“Wait—wait.” Tomura’s hands twitch and rub over his arms like he’s trying to stop himself from grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you. “Calm down. Why are you so upset? Don’t you see this stuff every day?”

You do. You’re an ER nurse. There’s no injury you haven’t seen. But it’s not about the blood. “I...I knew him. The cashier. He was nice. He had a grandkid on the way. I—“ You bite your lip and down the baijiu in one gulp. It burns.

Tomura clearly doesn’t know how to comfort you; probably doesn’t even really know why you need to be comforted. What does it mean that death is so meaningless to him? you wonder. But you need someone to listen to you, clueless or not, and Tomura will have to do.

The baijiu is still bitter and hot down your throat when you speak again. “You know something? Know what they asked me when the heroes finally showed up and pulled us out of there, me and the corpse?”

“…What?” Tomura asks warily.

“They stuck a camera in my face and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say to the hero who saved me. Any words of gratitude I wanted to share,” you spit. Now it’s your turn to feel your hands making fists at your sides. Your fingernails scratch into your palms like the pain can be an outlet for the sudden overwhelming fury spilling over you. “They didn’t save him. They were too late.”

Tomura’s eyes widen, and through your curtain of anger you can tell he’s looking at you in a way he’s never looked at you before. It’s unlike him to even look directly at you, and when he does it’s usually in disinterest or half-sincere irritation. This, though…this is different. He’s watching you like a believer watches a prophet. You can tell—or at least some deep, ugly part of you that you hope is wrong can tell—that he’s trying not to smile.

“I hate this,” you say, and the first tear drips out of your eye and runs down your cheek. It’s awful. You don’t want to cry in front of Tomura. You don’t want to show him how weak you are. But before you can wipe it away, Tomura’s hand comes up and does it for you, smearing the tear over your cheek in a gesture that—for him—is oddly tender.

Then he hugs you.

It’s stiff and awkward, like he’s forgotten how to do it, but the intention is clear. His arms fold around your back, pulling you into his chest while his chin makes its way to rest on your shoulder. He’s leaning into you so deeply that your spine is arched back, and you stagger away from him only for him to step closer again to make up the distance.

“It’s not fair, hm,” he murmurs into your hair. His tone is the closest thing to sympathy you’ve ever heard from him, but there’s an undercurrent of excitement you can’t ignore. “They’re always too late, aren’t they? The heroes… And everyone will watch that video of you thanking the heroes, and they’ll think they’re safe too. They’ll keep going about their lives and think that nothing bad can happen to them because a hero will always be around to save them…but you and I know that’s a lie.”

It takes you a second to recognize the emotion that’s raising goosebumps over your arms while Tomura rubs circles into your back, but when it clicks you shiver because it’s fear. You’ve never really been afraid of Tomura before, even when you should’ve been. Does he realize he’s backing you up with how forcefully he’s pushing himself into you? The backs of your knees hit the arm of your couch and you topple onto it with Tomura following.

He holds himself above you on his hands, legs tangled with yours. His eyes are wild and he’s not even trying to suppress his grin now. You’re trapped lying on your back under him—pinned like a butterfly under glass.

“Get off of me,” you say as calmly as you can.

“It’s all a lie, all of it…” A hand comes up and strokes your cheek, rubbing with two fingers at a stray fleck of blood on your neck. “I’m sorry it had to be like this, but I’m so glad you understand…”

“Let me up now, Tomura.”

He holds still for a long moment—waiting, thinking, considering—and then sits up, still straddling you but loosely enough that you can scramble back away from him on the couch. Your heart is racing, but you try to slow your breaths so he doesn’t pick up on how scared you are.

“Don’t freak out. You’re no fun,” Tomura says, and you exhale a sigh of relief at how normal he sounds. You never thought you’d be so happy about him looking at you like you’re nothing.

“I think you should go,” you say carefully.

He rocks back on his heels and runs a hand through his hair. “Are you mad? I thought I could stay here tonight, like usual. Since I waited for so long.”

“I’m not mad. I just…want to be alone.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone tonight. Not after what you’ve been through.”

Oh, now you care. “Fine. Okay? Fine. You can sleep on the couch.” You’re too tired to argue any more, and you’ve never really been good at convincing Tomura to do anything he doesn’t want to. It’s a miracle he listened to you when you told him to get off you. Considering how often he breaks into your apartment, it’s not like you could keep him out anyway.

So he stays the night. He doesn’t bother you when you take a shower and go to bed, he just lies on the couch in his street clothes. When you wake up in the morning he’s disappeared like he always does, and for the first time since you met him you’re truly relieved that he’s gone.

///

You always thought it would take some level of courage you don’t possess to actually bite the bullet and look Tomura up. To do so would mean saying goodbye to whatever strange relationship the two of you have built over the months, and you’re just not brave enough to risk it.

Turns out it’s not courage that makes you type his name into the search bar. It’s cowardice. You’re lying in bed under the covers when you do it, and the blue-white screen of your laptop is the only light in the room. Your comforter is pulled up almost over your head like it’s a wall that can block out reality.

“tomura”, you enter into the search bar, but you don’t hit return. Instead, you look at the search suggestions.

> tomura shigaraki > tomura shigaraki league of villains > tomura shigaraki decay

Something about it sounds familiar. But you’re not ready. Still, after everything, you’d rather keep your eyes closed. You backspace and snap your laptop shut, and when you do your room is so dark that you think the emptiness might swallow you up.

///

[T: 5:52 PM] > Are u going to be at home tn

[T: 6:14 PM] > Hey check ur phone

[T: 6:42 PM] > Stop ignoring me > (Y/N) > (Y/N) > (Y/N) > (Y/N) > (Y/N)

[T: 6:46 PM] 3 MISSED CALLS [You: 6:50 PM] > I’m at work [T: 6:50 PM] > Don’t lie > you finished an hour ago

[T: 7:13 PM] 1 MISSED CALL [T: 7:14 PM] > You said you werent mad [You: 7:15 PM] > I’m not [T: 7:15 PM] > Then stop being a brat > im coming over > ill bring takeout

You’re nervous about seeing him, but in the two weeks since he pushed you down on the couch you’ve found yourself…missing him. Like it or not, he’s made himself a fixture in your life. So when you get home you’re brimming with anticipation, wondering who you’ll get when you open the door—the normal Tomura you’ve come to like over the past few months, or the one from that night. The villain.

But it’s just him. Good old Tomura, laden with plastic bags and containers of greasy fast food for the two of you to gorge yourselves on. You tease him for being cheap and he argues that you’re just a snob and everything seems so normal that you can almost forget the look in his red eyes when he told you that you understood.

Almost.

///

You probably have no idea how good you look when you’re crying.

Of the couple thousand views on the news channel video of your “rescue” from the convenience store robber, at least a tenth are from Tomura. Eventually he just downloads the video onto his computer so he doesn’t have to read the inane comments that the other viewers leave on the webpage. It seems like everyone but him thinks you should feel lucky that you were saved by a hero before the robber could get to you, too.

As always, the public are a bunch of shit-soaked morons. Reading the comments makes him angry, so angry he’s tempted to look into a few of these brainless sheep and see how lucky they feel when they’ve caught the attention of a violent criminal. But that wouldn’t be productive, so he saves the video externally and leaves the news website alone. It’s for the best. Besides, seeing the “views” counter on the website tick up and up by the dozen every time he refreshes is just another reminder that other people are watching this; other people are seeing how delicate and vulnerable and pretty you are with tears spilling out of your eyes and the cashier’s blood sprayed over your clothing.

Thousands of useless fucking NPCs are looking at you just like Tomura is. They’re probably thinking about how sweet you look, just like he is. And they’re probably imagining all the ways they can take advantage of your fragile emotional state, just like him.

You’re too trusting for your own good. Tomura used to think it was a virtue, and it is, but only when it comes to him. Whenever he thinks about how your face is slapped over a dozen different news websites for the whole world to see, he has to dig his fingernails into his neck to keep calm. It’s better when he can just watch the video and pretend he’s the only one seeing it.

And it’s not like not watching the video is an option. Tomura can’t resist your crying face. There’s a point around the three minute mark where your voice breaks in the middle of your statement, and sometimes Tomura skips there in the video just so he can hear that pathetic little sob and replay it over and over and over. Maybe it’s sappy, but Tomura really does feel his heart skip a beat at the way your eyes and nose are rubbed red from your misery.

How fucked up is it that he gets off watching you cry?

Would you be angry if you knew? You probably would, but you put up with so much from him already. Maybe you’d be okay with it if he told you he really and truly tried to hold out. The first dozen times Tomura watched the video, he refused to touch himself no matter how tight his pants got while you choked out your stilted answers to the reporters’ questions, but at this point he barely has to click “play” on the video before he gets hard and takes matters into his own hands.

At the end of the day, it’s your fault. Everything about you is so erotic, from your shaky voice to your pouty, bitten-red lips. Isn’t it completely normal to be aroused while looking at the person you like? And Tomura likes you, he really likes you. He doesn’t have any pictures of you, and with the high definition of the news channel’s video he can see every perfect contour of your cheekbones, every pore in your skin, every glistening wet eyelash.

It’s not that Tomura doesn’t feel sympathy for how upset you are in the video. He does! Not even just sympathy, even—he’s empathetic. He knows exactly how it feels to be let down by the heroes. How dare they tell you you need to be grateful while you’re still trying to wipe brain matter off your shirt? Always too little, too late. It’s not fair.

But if he’s being honest? As miserable as you are, Tomura is happy that you were in the store when that robber came in and that you had to watch a man you knew get his brains blown out in front of you. You need a wake-up call to lose faith in hero society. If you have to suffer some emotional trauma in the process, that seems like a fair price to pay.

And the fact that Tomura gets to jerk off to it? It’s almost like destiny.

➠ [Part 3]

[transhawks]

do u feel the reaction to hawks supposedly sticking to endeavor is warranted? idk i feel like no one is giving hawks a bit of understanding like his approach is wrong, but its not as if his own abuse hasnt lead him to idolize endeavor

Here are my thoughts, and I don’t think there’s gonna be any validation for either argument here. 

For one thing, I’ve seen far more people saying that Hawks’s feelings towards Endeavor are warranted due to him being an abuse victim and that it’s wrong to call him an apologist than I’ve seen people calling him an abuse apologist. That might be me looking at the tags. My own views are these: much like with Dabi, things are simply, “this explains it”. It does not ‘excuse’ - what excuses actions are things we find moral. 

Now, as anyone following me knows, I have extreme leftist sympathies and do not believe in non-violent tactics being upheld as more moral than violent ones. Thus, some of the disruptive actions of the league are well in line with my moral values. So, let’s say, Dabi throwing all that stuff in the open during his video? I approved of it. Him burning Shouto to upset his father? Fucked and I hope there’s narrative punishment for it (probably him causing damage to himself).  Similarly, my feelings on Hawks are this: I understand why he idolizes ‘Endeavor’, or the idea of ‘Endeavor’. My whole meta this morning was to explain that his feelings are mostly about himself, in the end. The shining hero Endeavor in his origins is crucial to Hawks’s current of self, and to break that is break him.

BUT.

Hawks is his colleague in a very powerful industry with a lot of social capital. He is not a regular person, but a person with reach and influence and power (though it might be waning). 

Let’s take a different look at this: Endeavor is a powerful public figure exposed for what amounts to forced marriage and domestic violence and child abuse. His whole role in society is to inspire and provide feelings of security and yet in his private life, under the justification of heroism, Endeavor terrorized a woman and her children for twenty years. 

Please understand - if an actor had this much against him, and a colleague of that actor defended them with the reasoning of, “this man means so much to me and has saved my life”, we’d be furious. Or some of us, because the discussions we have in fandom mirror the same ones we have outside fandom when people we like are exposed and accused.  The thing is, the “ideal” of Endeavor has saved Hawks. Endeavor as a person, Enji as a person, has terrorized Rei Todoroki and his children for decades. These are both real things. Where it gets tricky is... does Hawks’s idolization truly outweigh the crimes Enji has committed? Does Endeavor being good in one rather impersonal, honestly parasocial (if we’re talking about him as a kid) relationship with Hawks, outweigh what’s pretty much domestic violence, abuse, likely marital rape? 

Ultimately, I think this discussion is worth it. For years people writing about him have made parallels to the #Metoo movement and Dabi really made the connection by exposing him through social media. When you sit and think about Enji and Hawks and Dabi, fighting past those first impulses to defend your fave, you have to think about what stance you’d take morally.

Do victims deserve to be heard?

Does it matter if the victim is not a good person? 

In fact if the victim later becomes awful, is the abuse justified? 

Or does it really matter if someone terrible was abused?

Do abusers deserve to given chances at power?

If someone is saved from abuse by someone who is an abuser, how is there an reconciliation of those deeds?

Can you admire someone’s work when they’re a terrible person?

Is there a way to still find comfort in that work while acknowledging the harm that person has committed? 

What does it mean for someone to have justice?

We need to ask these questions. They’re important in the world we live in, and through BNHA, we can start thinking about our reactions to when people we admire are exposed to be not good people in real life. 

For my final point, Keigo’s defense, of course, makes sense because Keigo is ... honestly heavily mentally ill. I think his compartmentalization and lack of outward regret for Twice’s murder and lack of reaction to his mother’s circumstances is clear that there’s a lot of issues with Keigo. 

His way of thinking is not healthy; so his reaction to Endeavor is not healthy. I think we can have sympathy for Keigo’s need to keep Endeavor as an inspiration to himself but also agree that the Endeavor Keigo idolizes is a lie, and that it’s unhealthy for Hawks to keep doing so. 

Someone can be wrong and yet very justified in their own terms for that behavior. We can also say that Hawks has a vested interest in keeping the status quo that allows Enji to be a hero, too. And that should be critiqued. Hawks should be criticized for supporting Enji as a hero, even if it makes sense that he does so out of his own trauma which should be acknowledged as the source of his problems. We can say Hawks is wrong for supporting Enji but also acknowledge he’s someone who needs therapy. 

We should stop being afraid over having these discussions. Sometimes people are wrong, and their behavior is wrong, even with a lot of justifications, but you can’t leave it at them being wrong - because before they can be right, they have to be in a better place to understand why they are wrong.  

[ripclaudia]

hi! ok i was thinking about roman and gerri (as one does) and wanted to see what others think so i’m sharing my tinfoil hat theory here if that’s cool! i feel like there’s so much speculation about why gerri indulges roman and i’m a believer that she’s genuinely fond of him, often likes his company, enjoys their “encounters” etc. but i was also considering the idea that part of why she’s so close to him (and also lenient and understanding of his horrible behavior) is out of a sense of guilt? like there’s this angle to their relationship where she’s known the siblings since they were kids, seen how logan treats them, often stood by as they’re mistreated and stayed loyal to logan anyway and i think it’s possible there’s some level of shame about that. like an underlying guilt for a) the horrible things she’s done working for waystar and b) the abuse she’s seen occur to the children and within the family. maybe this is totally off-base but i could see her way of dealing with that being choosing one of the kids (one she already has some amount of affection for) and taking him under her wing, acting as a mentor, comforting presence, sexual outlet, etc. and maybe she has a hard time totally cutting ties w/ roman when he ignores her boundaries because she feels some responsibility for the person he’s turned into? i’m saying this as someone who adores both gerri and roman as characters but also of course they’re both morally bankrupt and i think that’s part of what makes it so interesting. i’m super curious to hear your thoughts! and it’s cool if you think this is totally wrong lmao

hi! it's absolutely okay to share this here, there's nothing i love more than hearing people's thoughts on roman, gerri or romangerri!! especially when the theories are super interesting, i have to say straight away that i love how your brain works.

it's an interesting point that gerri might have some level of underlying guilt or shame about the things she has done and she has witnessed but i personally don't feel like it'd be something that would lead her to mentor one of the kids. i think that she is very good at compartmentalizing and separating her work life from her personal life and the roys have been firmly part of the work life. when working, she is the stone-cold killer bitch and i think that she is self-serving enough to think that she's just doing her job (re. the horrible things she's done for waystar) and that it's not her place to intervene (re. the roy kids). i'm kind of reminded of the sin cake eater speech from 1.04.

i also don't think she consciously regrets the things she has done or hasn't done so for me, it's not guilt that drives her to mentor roman or be more lenient with him. you mentioned responsibility which is something i see working here, though in a different context: gerri is the authority figure in their relationship and i think she feels responsible for the direction their relationship has taken. so not exactly responsible for the person roman has turned into but rather for the state of their relationship, in a way?

your theory is absolutely valid though, i personally just see things differently! i see gerri's interest in roman starting as something self-serving and mostly purely professional, which then gets complicated by genuine fondness for him and obviously by introducing the sexual aspect to their relationship. for me the fondness she has for him is the key player in why she's so lenient with him, not exactly guilt. and also the fact she knows he's a little bit fucked up.

this was super interesting to think about! i haven't spent time thinking about guilt in this context and it was really cool to think about your perception of the situation. it's so nice how people have different reads and interpretations of the relationship between characters! if u have any follow-up thoughts or questions or commentary or anything feel free to send them in whenever <3

[fat-rolls-frictions]

for kim 💤🤥 / for lang 😭 also sending more if thats ok need to go check again

💏 aaaa mwah for u also sorry for the long post I. don’t remember how to add readmore on mobile

Kim Nguyễn (Greenwarden IF) tag

💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep?

She actually falls asleep pretty easily! Like, a normal amount of easy, nightmares notwithstanding. She would sleep in short bursts throughout the night with intervals of restlessness. Sometimes she reads or exercises, mostly she paces around fretting about the security of her room. She usually curls around herself for comfort.

🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they're lying?

Thinks she’s a pretty good liar, isn’t as good as she believes. Her default expression is Ambiguously Angry and Blankly Scowling, so it’s a little hard to tell if you’ve never interacted with her before. But she’s one of those people who got a little too intense and just draws attention to her different behaviors. She’s also like. Less mean in general when she lies, in a subtly antagonizing, Yeah I Know I’m Easy To Undermine, too-sweet way.

🍁 MAPLE LEAF - what is their favourite season? why?

I’d say spring? Summer would be too hot for her, winter too cold, and she thinks fall is too festive. A dwindling chill where there’s still mulch and dead leftovers but also glimpses of new growth feels like it’d suit her like, thematically. But the real answer is she doesn’t really care!

⚾ BASEBALL - can they play sports? what is their best position if they play a team sport? what's their strong suit (speed, power etc.)?

She would be a jock in high school! As a child in therapy she redirected most of her aggression into sports, and she was decent at a fair few. With obvious uh 🐜🤏 with obvious exceptions. She’s small enough moving around is faster and more nimbly, but unwell enough that she packs a lot of force in short bursts since she just. Throws herself into it. If that lands her into the nurse office that’s neither here or there. She probably got enrolled in martial arts class at a young age. Beat that sandbag girl!

Lang (The King’s Physician IF) tag

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

I’d say they’re more prone to tears than most of my OCs, yeah. They’re my baby pillow my squishy capybara... Not really a crybaby though just a guy who doesn’t hold back ‘embarrassing’ emotions. But plot twist! They’ve gotten so used to compartmentalizing for so long that sometimes they aren’t aware that they want to / need a good bawl. They do prefer to unpack (and compartmentalize) their emotions in private though, and even while they don’t shy away from crying they reasonably don’t like to be messy in front of others.

🍁 MAPLE LEAF - what is their favourite season? why?

Once again spring or summer, for their colorful growths! Lang would appreciate the warmth the most, seeing as the Ruyzan cold is a little brutal on them.

⚾ BASEBALL - can they play sports? what is their best position if they play a team sport? what's their strong suit (speed, power etc.)?

Only light sports I’m afraid, something less or not that competitive altogether. They’ve learned a long time ago not to join the mercenaries, even for morale. In a team sport their best position would be um sideline doctor ❤️

[marvurro]

Hey! I hope you don't mind, but I wanna know more about your ocs. 👀 What's Raya's story? They're my fav out of all of your characters, and I was wondering if the sun on their shirt meant anything? I noticed you specifically mentioned sun imagery on their ref and I just wanted to know the meaning behind it.

raya’s story is actually pretty simple. their dad is from the philippines and their mom is afro-costa rican and they were born in the US, specifically california.

their parents love and support them very much and are the kind of people u see at pride parades w the “i love my ___ kid” shirts. they grew up speaking tagalog spanish and english and r decently proficient at all of them.

they have been skateboarding since age 7 and r like. rly rly good at it (theyve tried to teach luca a couple times but thats only ever ended in carnage)

n speaking of luca hes been their best friend since kindergarten :-) raya struggles a lot w school due to their adhd but they r incredibly intelligent and very good at handling their emotions (despite certain sects of them being blocked off for compartmentalization purposes) n theyve known lilian since kindergarten as well and have always had a bit of a crush on her but r aware that she doesnt (read: is too emotionally constipated to) return their feelings so they’ve mostly given up on that

overall raya jus reads as an extremely normal kid with a solid friend group stimulating interests average grades and a pretty decent childhood but. oh boy do they have a big storm coming

as for their shirt. it was given to them by their mom and they wear it as much as possible. the reason behind the sun imagery will b clear... eventually