#i missed the full first song and the beginning of reno

[grimvisionary]

WHO THE FUCK IN THE CONCERT CROWD IS USING A 3DS TO RECORD. I FUCKING SAW YOU

[demialwrites]

Do you have a blind spot when it comes to people flirting with you? Do you want an office affair with Tseng? Look no further

It's 7:36pm. No offense to Reno but to Tseng, you're a better sight than he is. Tseng is obsessively drawing the lines of his letters darker into the blanks on his paperwork. His pencil is etching a letter T deeply into the paper when you come into the office.

"Hey, Reno. Chief." You place a short stack of paper on Tseng's desk. "All done, Sir." You give him a smile. He tries to remember if he's seen you give that exact smile to anyone else. Then the corners of your eyes crease in concern. "Maybe you need a day off, Chief."

"Yeah, right," says Reno.

Tseng ignores your suggestion. "I'll check over your work. Please have a seat."

"Boss, it's been months," says Reno. "Lay off the newbie."

You smile, fidgeting. "It's fiiiine."

Not that invested in the matter, Reno lets it drop. It's been two long, boring days since he's been in the field so he gives you a nudge. You respond by scrutinizing him closely, asking him silently if he really wants to start. He smirks.

"Okay, but I won last time," you say confidently.

The slick, black sofa is soft enough to cushion elbows and knees as you begin trying to pin each other to the genuine leather. Tseng stares hard in front of him at the words you've written, trying to ignore the stupid laughter coming from your direction. He goes over each paper three times.

"Reno," you suddenly yell. "No teeth. I told you."

The pencil lead snaps.

You look up at the sound. Reno tries to take advantage of your distraction to dislodge himself from under you but you're well-practiced by now. You compensate by shifting your weight.

"Reno, go home," Tseng orders.

You get up, grinning because you won this time, too. Reno pushes past you grumpily, making you laugh.

"See you guys tomorrow," Reno calls behind him, his voice lacking any trace of anger.

You watch Reno leave with a flat expression. After waiting five seconds, you hop onto the corner of Tseng's desk. "He's gone."

"Lock the door."

You're off and back in a flash. You're back on the desk, pulling him strongly by the suit jacket. It's a hungry kiss, like neither of you have eaten all day. Your hand drops his jacket and hovers near his hair, like you long to run your fingers through it. But he told you once that fixing clothes out-of-place is easier than hair. He smiles into the kiss. You've tried to listen and do as he's asked. Always. You stopped needing your work checked two months ago. Neither of you needed to stay this late. This song and dance is just waiting until everyone is gone. Then off come the clothes and you test if a random piece of furniture can bear the weight of two full-grown adults.

You're patting his cheek gently. "Hey, should I get the towel?"

You never miss a detail. Tseng gazes up at you. You're too good for him, he considers.

You frown. "What's wrong?"

Before he can stop himself, he shoots a frown at the now-empty sofa. You catch this and follow his gaze.

"Oh, that? Good warm-up, huh?" You wave your hands in front of you. "Nothing's going on."

Tseng is still frowning but doesn't meet your eyes. "It doesn't matter. I don't like it."

"It's just some fun! I have to stay sharp. You know that."

"It's not just fun for him."

"What? But...oh. I see."

Watching you go from confused to realization to looking apologetic makes Tseng feel guilty. It seems like you genuinely didn't know Reno was flirting. Wrestling others into submission seemed to be one of your favourite forms of exercise. You're both lucky none of the furniture broke during a particularly passionate night.

"Tseng." Hearing his name jolts him out of his thoughts. You continue, "Am I supposed to stop with Elena and Rude, too?"

"No, I," He stops, pressing his lips together. The mention of others makes him question why he cares in the first place. This was supposed to be just sex, which is why the affair was being kept secret in the first place. Just sex meant a lesser chance of interference in the duties of both of you.

"Well, you seem to be having an off day. Maybe tomorrow?" You kiss his forehead.

"Ah...yes." He doesn't actually agree and he wants to stop you from leaving. He also hopes you didn't see his ears heat up and how stiff he's trying not to be. But he wants to have his thoughts together first. He refuses to face such a conversation without preparation.

You exchange good night's and his gaze follows you out the office door.

"Damn," he says quietly.

[fipindustries]

Mouth Dreams analysis

MOUTH DREAMS

I dont even need to introduce to you the marvelous mash up works of neil cicierega’s mouth trilogy (now quadrilogy i guess). We all know them, we all love them and we all have our own interpretations of what they mean. For some merely musical shitposting, for others clever experimentation laden with phrases, leivmotifs and themes repeating here and there, and for many a deep and rich bounty of lore, hidden messages, subtextual stories and underlying narratives implied across multiple variations of all star, hidden in the meta data and uncovered only after doing spectrographic analysis on the soundwaves of the songs after being played at x0.000003 times the speed. It is usually understood that all the albums together form a unique and rich tapestry, a coherent whole that can be understood in its totality. Im not here to do that.

I came up with my own interpretation of what Mouth Dreams can be read as, independent from the other albums. Think of it as me presenting this entry as the soundtrack of a musical with its own self contained story. It is the interpretation that i chose to go by and i hope its understood the brilliance of these albums lies on how weird and vague and open ended they are such that any number of different readings can be extracted from them. So lets see the one i extracted, without further ado, lets begin.

Yahoo

It is an out of context, in media res, start for the whole story. We hear a voice, echoing in the void, yelling at the top of its lungs, reaching desperately for human conection. One form of looking at this song is that the voice only receives an empty response from its own echoes, but i dont take it like that. The song is too sublime and too beautiful for these, the notes soaring too high, the desperate plead is being answered. Someone is listening to the plead and answering right back, harmonizing.

This whole album is in a way that howl, reaching to others, and we the audience are answering back, listening. But also on another level, this whole album is the protagonist telling the tragic story of his own life to some sympathetic figure who wants to help, perhaps a therapist, perhaps a friend, perhaps a partner, we’ll see. And as the yelling subsides the story starts proper.

Mouth dreams (intro)

We are being slowly taken into the story, entering the psyche of the main character, entering their subconscious, their dreams, their memories and therefore, their past. We’ll see what life they led and how they ended up where they are now and we start right at his infancy with….

Spongerock

Spongebob is a great indicator that we are seeing this person’s early childhood. They seem to be a rambunctious and energetic child. Cheerful and enthusiastic, yet there seems to be some underlying aggression there. The music is a bit to strong, and in comes freddy mercury berating the poor kid “you’ve got mud on your face, you big disgrace”. Who is this entity being so hostile to a poor kid? What lies beneath that image of a happy kid? We are about to see on the next song.

Just a baby

This is where trouble starts. We are treated to a dramatic song about a poor young baby who seems to be having a pretty sad life. Justin bieber, former teen idol, keeps lamenting about the poor baby being stuck in baby jail. This song is very much about loss of innocence. A shadowy figure of the mother is introduced who tells the protagonist to be a good boy. And almost at the end of the song we get a suggestion of what’s so wrong on this poor kid’s life. His mother apparently “shot a man in reno”. We dont know if this is a literal thing the mother did or if this is a metaphor for the mother doing something horrible, commiting some crime, harming someone in some way. While its not clarified we see strong hints of what the mother could have done in the next song

Superkiller

As we worry what may be so wrong with this kid’s mother we come across the title for this song, ominous. Now in the original Psycho killer the killer was clearly the singer, but in here the song is twisted and turned a bit, recontextualized by the beats of “cant touch this”. It seems like this time is the singer the one who doesnt want to be touched by some nefarious figure (the mother? Is the mother a psycho killer?) maybe the kid saw the mother killing people “i dont like people when they’re on fire”. whatever the case might be the kid is clearly strung up and under a lot of stress and we are introduced to the first hint of the insomnia that will plague this persons life who cant sleep because “my bed’s on fire”. The horrible situation in which this kid is living is taking a severe toll on their mental health. How is he going to cope with this?

Get happy

I think everyone can agree that “come on get happy” is incredibly unnerving when mindlessly repeated over and over. A first read might suggest the kid is forced to put on a happy face, to pretend that there is nothing wrong going on with their life. But as the song progresses it could also be interpreted as the kid being tempted to find refuge from the horror by unsavory methods “get happy” as in acquire happiness of a forced and artificial kind, perhaps drugs. But also “we’ll make you happy”. The kid is not running into a rabbit hole on their own, they are being invited. Its possible that the kid is being seduced by a bad crowd to move into seedy circles as an escape from their life.

Ribs

In here we see the kid, probably a young teenager by this point as suggested by the use of marylin manson in this song, falling deep into debauchery. The specific kind is not needed to know, it could be drugs, it could be sexual experimentation, it could be criminality. Point is this is unhealthy and dangerous and depraved, emphasized by the title of the song “ribs” as a reference to the rumor that marilyn manson removed two of his ribs in order to perform autofellatio. Whatever the case it clearly works, the song is actually a great bop, energetic and upbeat, the kid is content with the situation, at least for a while…

My mouth

This song is the coming down from the high. In here we see at full blast how the life of depravity on the one side and their situation at home on the other have turned the character into a hardcore insomniac, their health is severy compromised “My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed

Dried up and bulging out my skull”. Another way to read this song is as we momentarily cutting back to the present. After all, what we have been seeing until now has been dreams/memories and this is a short look at the wreck that the person is as a grown up, stirring awake from their memories and trying desperately to forget or to go back to sleep where they can have a reprieve. As evidenced by the next song

Aerolong

I dont wanna miss a thing is completely turned on its head. As the lyrics clearly demonstrate is the protagonist who cant go to sleep being chased by their memories, specifically the memories of their mother “I don't miss you, babe, and I do want to miss a thing”. As the person is tossing and turning on their bed, unable to sleep they talk about how they dont miss their mother at all and they want to “miss” her as in they want to forget her.

Sleepin’

The character is constantly speaking about how they are “sleeping with their clothes on” this is due to them falling asleep during their everyday life because of their lack of sleep every night, this person is barely functional, their sleep schedule is broken. Also since this song is about the character actually sleeping it also works as a bridge back into their dreams and so into their past.

Aammoorree

Is another vignette about the character sinking into disreputable states in order to escape their shitty situation as a teenager, this time very specifically about being completely drunk and perhaps experiencing romance for the first time. The character is probably at a club or a party, drunkenly hitting on someone, though chances are without much success as the song becomes increasingly more incoherent and we go into a full black out. This gets bad enough that the person finally has to take a look and….

Where is my mom

….stop. It is highly suggestive that in the album the “stop” is part of this song rather than the last one. The person is not only stopping their current alcoholic binge. They are stopping the entire situation and taking a good look at their life, finally confronting face to face what is happening and why it is so wrong. Now “stacy’s mom” was always kind of an inappropriate song due to it being about a child having a crush on their friend’s mom, as sung by an adult. But as it is recontextualized by the instruments of “where is my mind” it takes on a much darker tone. The romantic words are still there but now with a sinister bent. This time the main character asks their friend if they can go and take refuge at their house and when they ask if the mom is going to be there they sound more scared than eager, specially suggested by the way he seems to be stammering the word “pool”, they are nervous and terrified. They also talk about stacy’s mom as “all they want and been waiting for so long”, probably because all they want is a normal, loving mother. Presumably this song is about the main character finally talking about what is going on at his house with a friend, confessing and that confession gives way to realization

Fredhammer

Then realization gives way to anger. During this whole song we see the teenage character finally grasping how fucked up the whole situation is and he gets progressively more worked up with each successive aggravation “Why did it take so long? Why (hoo!), did I wait so long, huh?

Why??? To figure it out, but I did it (huh?)”. From this we transition to the kid actually confronting their mom face to face. The line “So you can take that cookie And stick it up your (yeah!)” can be read as the mother trying to pretend there is nothing wrong or pacifying the kid with empty gestures of motherhood, by making cookies and the kid spitting that back into their face. The kid gets more and more worked up through the song as we seamlessly transition to the next one.

Limp Wicket

This song is pure incoherent chaos but something very important can be rescued out of the chaos. This song uses the lyrics from the “ewok celebration” which is presumably the song the ewoks sing in return of the jedi after the empire was defeated. So in a way is the kid celebrating that he finally confronted their mother and presumably defeated her. This is emphazised by the recurrence of the lyrics ““So you can take that cookie”. Is not specified how the mother is defeated, maybe social services or the police get involved, maybe the kid runs away, either way this song is triumphant. The evil entity that stole his childhood and innocence has been defeated.

Cannibals

This song is slightly different from the rest. It works as a form of victory lap after the defeat of the mother figure, but also as an intermission since it lies smack dab in the middle of the album, and finally as a transitionary song from childhood to adulthood. Is a time skip, we get to see the person grow up in fast forward as the THX song hits its crescendo. This song also makes it perfectly clear that, even though she was left behind, the mental scars that the mother left are still there and still fresh and still very much stopping them from sleeping “She drives me crazy

And I can't help myself”. 

The outsiders

This works as a way to recontextualize us in the life of the character as an adult. Our so called “feature presentation”. It is not altogether clear who these people being introduced are. They could be the people who came to mean something in this persons life as they grew up after trauma, probably multiple foster homes, social workers, friends, bosses, co workers, etc. the fact that they are being enumerated dissapasionatly could indicate how most of his social relationships were basically a meaningless blur for him who grew up socially distant due to trauma. It could also represent the multiple roles that our character was forced to take as they grew up and the multiple things that went through his mind or meant something. There is clearly some desperate attempts to recapture their lost childhood as figures such as “inspector gadget” or “the ninja turtles part three” are named. The song is a fast montage of views and places. That prepares us for the next song.

Johnny

We finally zoom in and take a good look at our main character as an adult. A sad, pathetic figure, hurt and lonely, possibly not very well liked and certainly not respected as we hear boos all around. Despite all this the character is clearly committing themselves to be a good person, to not hurt others like he was hurt and specifically to not commit the same crimes that their mother commited.

Closerflies & Nightmovin

These two songs might as well work as a single piece since they are both more or less about the same thing. We reiterate how this person has been turned into an insomniac due to the trauma that they experienced as a child “When I'm far too tired to fall asleep”. They are delirious and barely coherent, possibly hallucinating as they think about their life in bed. This is clearly hell on earth and it seems like its just never going to stop “Can't wake up in a sweat

'Cause it ain't over yet” but, with neil’s classic sense of humor, the song immediately ends.

Now that could just be for the sake of irony but there is also another level in which it could be read. This suffering stops because something suddenly changes in this person’s life. What could that be?

Whitehouse

“I fell in love with a girl”

As the lyrics say, the main character met someone special and they are deeply in love. But also, because of the past that weighs heavily on him, he is very trepidatious about wether to go on with the relationship or not. He knows he is damaged goods and he doesnt want to drag her down as well, these fears make it so he never fully opens up to her about his issues “She turns and says, "Are you alright?" I said, "I must be fine because my heart's still beating." 

Wah

The use of “war” by edwin starr is a clever reference about how everything is fair in love and war. Now this song is an important departure since it is sung from the point of view of the girl our main character fell in love with. She is a feisty woman who is very clearly trying to establish the terms of the relationship and demanding her partner to open up which the main character, due to his insecurities, takes as a declaration of war and which he deflects by playing dumb, hence the repeated use of the silly “WAH” by wario. 

Pee Wee Inc

The emotional distance from the man is putting a strain in the relationship, so what once was supposed to “feel good” is now this melancholic and unbearable situation. Is no mistake that the song sampled here is “the breakfast machine” from pee wee’s big adventure. After all  a neglected partner can feel like a breakfast machine, an object that is there just to make your breakfast. On top of this you can see that the insomnia hasnt gone away “My dreams, they got a kissing 'cause I don't get to sleep, no”. In a lot of ways the girlfriend is feeling used as just a relief from the man’s suffering but not as someone who is being truly loved.

1000 spoons

We go back to the woman’s perspective. At first it just seems like a simple melancholic situation where she is sad the relationship is not working, but then we see the woman have a full mental breakdown as the song changes and becomes much more deranged and we get to see what is really happening. The man ran away on their wedding day. This is represented by the lyrics “is like rain on your wedding day” because it means the wedding has been ruined. She is heartbroken by this.

Mouth dreams (extro)

Appropriately as the previous song talked about a wedding being ruined by “rain” this song begins with the sound of rain. This is the big emotional climax of the story, the music at its most dramatic. Now i will admit, even for me this is a stretch, im willing to concede most of what i am about to say is essentially built out of whole cloth and me wanting to fit a neat full narrative into this album where there is none, but hey, what is art for?

Essentially the man is about to commit suicide, possibly by jumping off a bridge in the rain as suggested by the song being sampled “drowning”. The fact that this song is named after the album is a way to signify how everything that we have just seen weighs heavily on the man’s heart, his whole life, his memories, his trauma, and he is finally ready to end it all. He jumps.

But at the last second his wife jumps after him and drags him to the shore, the last we see is her trying to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation, as indicated by the song,”love me mouth to mouth now…” he is unconscious and presumably finally sleeping peacefully (maybe dead?) “...cover me with dreams, yeah”.

It might look like he will not survive, as implied by the sinister version of all star encroaching over the song. But as it looks like all hope is lost he finally WAKES UP.

In a way this song is also when we finally catch up with the start of the album where we saw the man desperately hollering for human contact and merely echos responding, except now someone finally answered, and he is finally ready to open up and share his story.

Brithoven

Even though this song is sung by a single person i choose to take it as a dialog between the couple, both of them sharing their regrets about their relationship with each other, her recriminating the fact that she couldnt have known what he was going through “oh baby bay, how was i supposed to know, that something wasnt right here” and him finally admitting that he needs help “My loneliness is killing me”.

Finally they both agree to try it again and give their relationship a second chance “hit me baby one more time”

Ain’t

Part of me is conflicted about this song, i kind of want to disregard it, mainly because i think its kind of a weird way to end an album and also because i just dont feel is a very good mashup really. The lyrics dont mix that well with the song, they are paced in an inconsistent way and overall feel like they never truly click. On top of that it just doesnt fit at all with the narrative that i have been building during this analysis.

There is talk about alcoholism and parent abandoment, this time by the father, a figure that was never mentioned during the album. The last line says “say it aint so” which doesnt particularly seem to reflect on any of the themes i’ve been building upon. Ultimately i think i will just leave it besides and be content that i managed to fit almost all of the album into one story, this process was never meant to be a perfect dissection of the carefully planned story that neil deliberately crafted but rather me having fun seeing pictures in a rorshach test.

So anyway that was Mouth dreams, let me know what you thought.

[sagehaleyofficial]

HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK (1.8-1.14.20):

NEW MUSIC:

·         Record Store Day went on social media to unveil its 2020 date, which is set for April 18th. Last year, a special edition turntable manufactured by Crosley Radio was available at select record stores.

·         Green Day took to social media to share a GIF announcing their new track “Oh, Yeah” will be released later this month. Additionally, they also confirmed a rumored tracklist that was anonymously sent to a fan earlier this month.

·         Spanish Love Songs announced the release date of their third studio album, Brave Faces Everyone, on February 7th via Pure Noise Records. The band also released a new single “Kick” with an accompanying music video.

·         New Found Glory announced that they are looking to include fans in filming a new music video. Recently, guitarist Chad Gilbert took to Instagram to tease that the band have been working on a new album, which will follow up their 2017 release, Makes Me Sick.

·         Silverstein announced a release date for their next studio album, A Beautiful Place to Drown. They also dropped their latest single off the LP, “Infinite,” featuring Underoath and The Almost musician Aaron Gillespie.

·         In a very recent interview, Senses Fail vocalist Buddy Nielsen revealed what he thinks will be the title of the band’s eighth album, calling it Hell is in Your Head. The frontman also talked about the relationships between this new album and their 2006 record, Still Searching.

·         Evanescence dropped a music video for their cover of Fleetwood Mac’s song “The Chain,” which was featured on the soundtrack for the video game Gears of War 5. Singer Amy Lee also lent her vocals to the game’s launch trailer just prior.

·         The 1975 announced the debut of a new song titled “Me & You Together Song,” set to drop this Thursday. Their fourth studio album, Notes on a Conditional Form, was then pushed back from its original release date on February 21st to sometime in April.

·         Halsey took inspiration from country music in her latest single “You Should Be Sad” off her upcoming album Manic, dropping this Friday. She revealed on Twitter that the track was inspired by some of her favorite female artists of the genre, namely Carrie Underwood.

·         Creeper announced the release date for their upcoming album, Sex, Death and the Infinite Void, along with a brief tour in the UK. The band teased fans on Twitter prior to the announcement by posting a series of periods and short videos.

·         PVRIS dropped a haunting acoustic version of their song “Hallucinations,” originally the title track of the band’s latest EP. Singer Lynn Gunn also shared it on her own Twitter feed, saying “It’s chill.”

·         The upcoming film Birds of Prey is getting its own soundtrack, appropriately titled Birds of Prey: The Album. The soundtrack features Halsey, K. Flay, a collab by Megan Thee Stallion and Normani, and more internationally-acclaimed female artists.

·         Paramore frontwoman Hayley Williams teased what could potentially be a lyric from her upcoming solo project debut, Petals for Armor, releasing January 22nd. Clues of the new project surfaced on Instagram and city streets with a release date for some time this month.

·         A recent video shows Halsey in the studio with Bring Me the Horizon’s Oli Sykes and Jordan Fish. It appears that the video is referencing her new song for the Birds of Prey soundtrack titled “Experiment on Me.”

·         Alexisonfire dropped a new single titled “Season of the Flood,” which marks their third new song in 10 years and premiered on BBC1’s Rock Show. Last year, the band dropped two singles, “Complicit” and “Familiar Drugs.”

·         Point North’s new song, titled “Into the Dark,” just dropped, featuring current tour mate and Sleeping with Sirens‘ singer, Kellin Quinn. The bands are currently on tour with Set It Off and Belmont.

TOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS:

·         Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival announced the lineup for the festival’s 2020 dates. This year’s headliners include Tool, Lizzo, Tame Impala, Miley Cyrus, Bassnectar, Flume, Oysterhead, Lana Del Rey and Vampire Weekend.

·         The Almost frontman Aaron Gillespie recruited his Underoath bandmate Tim McTague to join him on stage during a show at the Orpheum in Tampa. Gillespie shared photos of the evening, touching on the “unnecessary friction” at The Almost’s formation in 2005.

·         In anticipation of their upcoming release Father of All… next month, Green Day announced that they want to host a wild party at a fan’s house. In a video posted to Instagram, Billie Joe Armstrong talked about wanting to play in one very lucky fan’s backyard in California.

·         Halsey announced the dates for the North American installment of her Manic World Tour. It was also announced that CHVRCHES, Omar Apollo, blackbear and PVRIS will all join her on select dates of this tour.

·         Circa Survive announced that Polyphia and Gouge Away will join them on their Blue Sky Noise 10-year anniversary tour. The band took to social media to announce the supporting cast for the tour.

·         Billie Eilish, Gwen Stefani with Blake Shelton, Aerosmith and Lizzo will all take the stage at this year’s Grammy Awards on January 26th. R&B songstress Alicia Keys will again host the ceremony.

·         Post Malone was announced to headline the “Bootsy on the Water” pop-up event at one of this year’s Super Bowl kick-off parties in Florida. Fans have the opportunity to see the rapper live, but tickets range from a hefty $1,000 to $150,000.

·         The Maine announced their second edition of 8123 Day to celebrate their 13th anniversary as a band. The event will offer fans fun opportunities such as an online scavenger hunt, contests, new merchandise and more.

·         My Chemical Romance’s return show grossed nearly $1,500,000, making history as the highest-grossing show at the venue ever. A Paradigm agent, Matt Galle, spoke with Variety last December about how everything came together.

·         Joe Rogan, Jim Jefferies and Whitney Cummings are joining forces to appear at Stand Up for Australian Fires, the Australia wildfires benefit show taking place on January 26th. Proceeds from the show, co-produced by Kevin Lyman and Joe Sib, will go to Wildlife Warriors.

·         After announcing their first full U.S. headlining run last month, Sleep On It finally announced the opening acts for the “Pride and Disastour.” The band’s upcoming tour, which kicks off at the end of February, will be supported by Bearings, Between You and Me and Neverkept.

·         Sleeping with Sirens revealed a stacked co-headlining run with the Amity Affliction kicking off in April. The tour will begin April 15th in Reno, Nevada, and conclude May 23rd in Milwaukee with support from Stray from the Path and UnityTX.

OTHER NEWS:

·         The Maine drummer Pat Kirch married his longtime partner Shacara Nemetz, with his bandmates, family and friends in attendance at the ceremony. Last September, the couple also announced they were expecting their first child together.

·         One talented drummer took on the challenge of combining 50 My Chemical Romance songs in 10 minutes. The fan in question, Sage Duvall, is a member of Florida-based indie band Raggy Monster and impressively recorded it all in one take without the use of a click track.

·         Bad Religion announced the release of their new book, “DO WHAT YOU WANT: The Story of Bad Religion,” which is set to drop on August 20th by Hachette Books. The autobiography is a deep examination of the band’s four decades in rock music.

·         Music IP investment company Hipgnosis Songs acquired 157 songs from alternative icon Tom DeLonge‘s catalog. “All the Small Things” and more Blink-182 hits were reportedly acquired.

·         Ice Nine Kills joined numerous musicians in fundraising to help put an end to the Australian wildfires plaguing the country. The band is selling a T-shirt featuring a kangaroo dressed as horror icon Freddy Krueger, with all proceeds going towards Australia’s relief efforts.

·         The upcoming film Birds of Prey revealed its second official trailer, which may reveal what happens to Jared Leto‘s Joker character. Recently, lead actress Margot Robbie, who plays Harley Quinn, confirmed that Leto would not be in the film.

·         Featuring a red, black and white color palette, Vans’ latest “I Heart” shoe collection recently hit their online store. The line showcases the phrase “I heart boys, I heart girls” in a continuous pattern.

·         Neil Peart, iconic drummer and lyrical voice of legendary Canadian prog-rock act Rush, has passed away. Rolling Stone reported that Peart had succumbed to aggressive brain cancer at age 67 after a brave three-and-a-half-year-long battle.

·         The Umbrella Academy fans were surprised last week when the comic series appeared as a question on the game show Jeopardy!. The show is currently hosting its “The Greatest of All Time” tournament, which has three record-breaking former contestants playing.

·         Blink-182 joined the relief effort toward stopping the Australian bushfires by releasing a new merch collection. Proceeds from the shirts will go towards Australia Zoo, which is giving medical help and rehabilitating to sick, injured and displaced wildlife in the country.

·         Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker is partnering with Barrett-Jackson to sell a few of his vehicles to the highest bidder. There will be three cars up for sale – a 1941 Cadillac 62 Series convertible, a 1960 Cadillac Coupe Deville and a 1972 Chevrolet K5 Blazer.

___

Check in next Tuesday for more “Posi Talk with Sage Haley,” only at @sagehaleyofficial!

[avoutput]

Final Fantasy VII Legacy || Remake Review

This is the 2nd out of 3 articles. Find the first here.

Enough with the flowery language. No more ancient memories of times passed. No more wasted passages on the origin of Final Fantasy VII. I am not some little kid sitting crossed-legged in front of a 13-inch tube TV, but a man sitting in a lightly used office chair he found by the apartment dumpster several years ago. I have grown. The gaming world has grown. And Final Fantasy has grown. But is it the kind of growth you imagined? Does this game shed the dead weight of its numbered younger siblings? Does it recreate an experience from your childhood? Is it an innovative gaming experience that redefines the RPG like its genesis? Is breathing life into one of the most provocative modern gaming death’s worth the exhumation? These are the questions swimming in my head while I waited for the release of Final Fantasy 7 Remake, a deeply marked touchstone in my life. And after having completed my run through the game, I had some thoughts I needed to organize and share. I need to decide: Is this a proper run, a proper update, a proper remake? Or is it just a repurposed chair found by the dumpster?

Let me clarify a few things. First, this is going to be a straight review of the game with little-to-no spoilers. Second, this is the 2nd in a series of 3 articles I decided to write, with the final article being a no-holds-barred, spoiler frenzy discussing the outcomes of this game and many other Final Fantasy’s. In this article, we are going to be looking at what the game did well, what it was mediocre at, and lastly, what was downright disappointing. Each section will bleed into each other a bit because the games components bleed into each other a bit, which feels a little odd for a JRPG, but this isn’t ye-old JRPG. Let’s get right to it.

RE-KWARK!-ABLE! I MEAN REMARKABLE.

Before we tear this game down, let’s spend some time building it up. The standout component of this game was very clearly the battle system. The transition is seamless and the frenzy begins almost immediately. What surprised me right off the bat is how easy it was to not only switch between characters, but how simply it was to tell them what to do. I thought slowing down the battle to issue commands was going to be a nuisance, but it really helped balance out the pace of the battle. You can assign 4 hotkeys that let you keep the battle going without slowing down to strike at an enemies weakness. I did find that it felt a little useless to assign anything other than your weapon skills, because spells take a little time to cast and most of the time you are going to want to pick a specific spell based on the enemies weakness, but that is totally up to your playstyle. 

In the vein of the battle system, boss fights were engrossing and detailed. It felt like they spent a lot of time thinking about which moments in the Midgar timeline would make the best boss battles and how exactly they would design the bosses moveset and structure based not only on what the boss was, but where the boss was. In one chapter, you fight a boss that is nearby some train tracks. At a certain point in the battle, it will electrify the track, and if you are standing on it, you get major damage. Enemy types also had a pretty consistent set of weaknesses, so you didn’t have to go into the bestiary menu to determine what spell would most likely take it down. But on the other hand, the Assess ability is crucial in understanding some of the more minute methods to hitting the enemy weakness. It was actually a delight to try and fight both with and without it. Like everything else in the battle, the menu comes up with a single button press and no load time. It gives you time to read and strategize your attacks.

In some other reviews I had been reading, people had complained about a feature I loved. Using spells and abilities requires you to have your ATB gauge filled, which will fill with time, but fills much faster if you are attacking. The complaint was that the AI isn’t particularly good at attacking when you aren’t using them, and not only that, they don’t receive the ATB fill bonus from attacking, it simply takes them time. However, because transition between characters is instantaneous, I believe that the designers did this as an incentive to use each character as often as possible. This isn’t the only incentive for this either. Every weapon for each character has a single skill that can be learned from it. To learn it, you have to use a skill. Again, to use the skill the ATB gauge has to be filled. Most battles in the game go by quickly, especially once you know the enemies weakness, so you need to build ATB fast and activate the skill. Without telling you, the game basically created an environment where it's not only necessary to switch between characters and learn their playstyles, but almost necessary. What’s more, every character is somewhat unique, especially Barret and Aerith, and certain types of enemies (flying or distance based, ect) are much easier to handle with the right character. All around, the battle system is an absolute standout and easily the best part of the game.

Without giving anything away, another strong part of the game is the scenario design. I was driven to hear more, see more, and do more in this game. The characters a crisp and vibrant, even when they lack depth. They are undeniably “cool” or “cute” or whatever their main adjective should be for the given scenario. The voice acting in both the Japanese and English versions are great, though the Japanese version from time to time has a different take on some of the characters than the English, it's still a blast. Every moment that leads into a battle with a signature villain is thoroughly enjoyable. I don’t think you absolutely need to have played the original to enjoy these moments, but more on that later. What it really comes down to is this game has some pretty great pacing because even when it fumbles, it doesn’t stop you from wanting to play more. The battle system element just propels you forward and hearing what crazy thing is going to happen next is more than enough to make up for follies.

This is sad to say, but there really is only one more exceptional item to mention. The return of Nobuo Uematsu. The soundtrack of this game was already pretty well designed in the original. Coming back to it was more than just a nostalgic walk down memory lane. It was like coming home and realizing your parent’s upgraded your house to a mansion with room service, a full staff, and a kitchen that's open 24 hours a day stocked with everything you desire. And it isn’t just that the music was remastered, it flows in and out of the game with masterful timing. Multiple versions of each song were recorded so that movements in the song crescendo at the exact moment your Cloud lands a hit or Reno and Rude jump from a helicopter. It made every moment of the game feel like so much more than just an average confrontation. There are a few moments that even made me laugh. There is a hip-hop inspired Chocobo theme that made me smile both for how odd it was and how awful it should have been received, but somehow it just slaps. If you pay attention you might notice some of the music is more reminiscent of other entries in the series with two standouts in particular, one sounding like Final Fantasy XII and another like Final Fantasy XIII, two very different scores. But it felt right at home in this modernized version of Final Fantasy VII. There is also a music collection sidequest that is mostly made up of jazzy remakes of classic Final Fantasy VII songs. These are less remarkable, but still good for the most part. Part of the issue with these songs is it is played through some kind of fuzzy record player speaker overlay, which I found annoying and distorting.

MISSED THE KWARK! I MEAN MARK.

I would say that almost everything else in this game missed the mark in some way or another. Some are just shy of a home run, others are baseline grounders, and some are just straight fouls. Either way, they could have used more attention or a different direction in my opinion. And I want to start with something I almost never complain about in video games: the graphics. Talking about graphics is usually pointless. People who are after ridiculous levels of fidelity always seem to believe this either makes or breaks the game. In Remake, that might actually be true for once. I am not a graphics designer, but one thing I noticed and couldn’t stop noticing is that there were so many different levels of graphical fidelity all smashed into one place. In some scenes, there were gorgeous details, like the entirety of Aerith’s house area, but then you get to the flowers, it's like 1997 again. In other moments, like when looking down at the Midgar Slums from the upper plate, it is clearly a very flat and stretched image meant to look three-dimensional like the other things around you, but the image was just off. Doors on buildings would look like garbage compared to the floor or walls in the room. It was just very clear that a once over on all the different assets would have helped out quite a bit. The problem wasn’t that the graphics were good or bad, but that they were inconsistent. It was like looking at photo-realistic drawing with some Picasso in the middle. The character models were so well done, when the interacted with this space, it was just jarring. Again, not awful, just missed the mark.

With such a well maintained battle system, you would think the menu system would be equally flawless, but it wasn’t. The main UI where you would outfit your party was a bit of a mess. For one, there was no way to go from upgrading your weapon to equipping it or vice-versa. They had completely separate menus for both that didn’t lead to each other. Then there is the upgrade menu itself, wherein you select upgrades in a similar way to FFXIII crystal upgrade menu. When you choose the weapon, it takes you to a completely different screen and makes this loud noise and transition effect. It's annoying to read and to navigate. You can bypass this by having the computer choose your upgrades for you, but that really felt like I was missing out. It would have been a huge improvement just to list the abilities and have me choose from the same menu I chose everything else. It was unnecessarily fancy and kind of an eyesore. Equipping materia got a small upgrade from the original game, wherein you can press a button to see and switch out materia with everyone, but this should have just been THE menu, not an extra button press. They also should have categorized the materia, letting you choose which type you wanted to look at instead of having to scroll through line after line. The menu also doesn’t give you simple information in places where you could use it, like what chapter you are in. To know, you have to go to the save menu. It could have simply been listed next to the playtime in the bottom corner.

There are even certain materia that are hard to understand, specifically the Enemy Skill materia. In the old game it would list which skills you had obtained. This one didn’t give you any idea what you had obtained and what exactly was obtainable. After a while I figured out that in the bestiary, although it would tell you which monster had a skill you could get, it wouldn’t exactly say if you had it. Turns out that if the skill was highlighted green on the enemy skills screen (another button press away), you didn’t have it, if it was blue, you did. Then, to see which skills you had in total, you had to go to the party screen and it would be listed under your abilities if they were wearing the materia. Not only that, the skill would have a different name than the skill the enemy used, the naming convention wasn’t 1-to-1. Add to this, materia sometimes have very obscure instructions or descriptions. The battles can go by so fast, it's hard to even notice the effect of them if something isn’t exploding or outwardly obvious. In fact, many of the instructions are weird in the game. If you die in a series of fights where they are linked, it will ask if you want to go back to the first fight or the last fight. Choosing the first actually sends you back to before you started the series and you can adjust your equipment, which is fine, but in a normal fight, if you die, you can only go back to the fight and it doesn’t let you modify your equipment. It's a simple inconsistency but the text and cursor placement also make it hard to understand exactly what is going to happen.

Finally, all the smaller issues. There are too many places where the game has you “walk” for no particular reason. You just slow down. I thought it might be due to loading, but it happens in places where no story or anything appears to be happening next. Summon materia is already maxed and it doesn’t feel like it helps all that much, even when the enemy is weak to them. The game design is set up so that whichever character you are currently playing as the only thing enemies are interested in attacking, especially if someone isn’t using provoke. So, your summon simply attacks, and to do it's better attacks, you have to sacrifice ATB. Mostly this is fine, it creates balance, but i’d prefer they came and left like in the original. In fact, I have hated all summon mechanics since FFX. They need to come, do damage, and be gone. But I have to admit, this is the best marriage of the two versions. Next, the choices you make that alter certain outcomes in the game are so far away from the thing you are altering, and at times not clear. This could have been more fun had they given you a bit more of control or some kind of gauge to show you what was going on, but in a way, it was true to its roots, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. Lastly, having to aim the camera to interact with items that are just outside of its view is just annoying. That coupled with the random moments you have to hold “triangle” for a series of switches always rubbed me the wrong way.

DOWNRIGHT DISAPPOINTING… uh.. kwark.

Final Fantasy VII Remake obviously has a great foundation and pretty great framework. The music is great, it's a blast to play, and the characters really resonate. But there are still some aspects of this game that make it feel a little less than game of the year. These complaints might be less of an issue than I am making it. The game is what it is, and I am easily going to clock in at about 90 hours for both regular and hard modes. Still. STILL. There are just a few things that were completely disappointing, and not just from an old fan, but as a current gen gamer.

My biggest complaint is married together and baked into the design of the game, namely Midgar and Chapters. Final Fantasy has always felt like it was about exploring not just a story, but the world it exists in. In the first 9 entries to the series, this was done by giving the player a chance to get lost on its world map, looking for towns, roaming through forests. You had to use your imagination to fill the gaps, but that wasn’t a bad thing. As the entries iterated, the worlds got bigger, and so did their stories. They had lore and depth. With the release of 10, this all changed. In the 10th game, the story was suddenly on rails, the only direction you could move in was forward. It took all of the exploration away in favor of level design and pacing. I remember thinking that this was the beginning of the end for a series I loved. With the release of 12, it felt a little better, but mostly it was just an offline version of the massively popular MMORPG formula. It felt more rote and less like exploration. With the 13th entry, it was back to the rails. It began to feel like the creators sought only to make an experience where the characters and story where the vehicle, and the world was just the background. In 15, this would change somewhat, but it was also an experiment for them that ended in failure. They tried to give us an open world governed by a chapter system. But, despite their best efforts, they couldn’t breathe life into the world of 15. They tried to spread the world and its characters across too many dimensions. There was an anime series, a full length movie prequel, missing chapters introduced as DLC, and even a mobile game. A broken chimera. I think the success of 10 and their failure to create a modern, open world game is what ended up making 7 Remake what it is. A game on rails.

Before the games release, the game designers touted that Midgar was now a place that could be fully experienced. For me, this couldn’t have been further from the truth. It was just a series of narrow hallways masquerading as a city. The people in the background make noise and act like they live there, but they don’t move, goto work on a schedule, ride the trains, or even run stores. You can’t interact with them. They are just mouthpieces. Because the game runs by chapters, you have almost no ability to explore anything that doesn’t have to do with the immediate story. The characters will chide you for going the “wrong direction” and the game will outright stop you from wandering too far. “No no, you fool, the GAME is over HERE”. In the original game, Midgar is partially just an introduction to the world, characters, and battle system. But really, it was the beating heart of the entire game world and story just as much as the characters that live in it and run Shinra. The remake seems to have forsaken that in favor of story beats. Outside of a few distinct places, most of Midgar just feels like window dressing. Wall Market is obviously a delight, but the entirety of Midgar should have been like Wall Market. You should be able to get lost in the back streets or take the wrong train. Shinra headquarters gives you little glimpse into the way people on the upper plates live and work, but yet again they are just mannequins. 

Games today give you vibrant open worlds to explore. You can jump on rooftops and glide over large swaths of land. The way in which Midgar was designed leaves little to the imaginationa as compared to the original. The graphics are crisp and every pipe and air conditioner feels like they might actually do something, but you can’t follow that pipe anywhere or walk down alleyways and talk to vagrants. Old games got a pass on size and depth because their limitations were obvious, often baked into whatever the genre was. If it was a brawler, you walk down streets beating people up. In racer, you play the track. But RPG’s were one of the few where you would be expected to explore the edges of its world. With new generation games, the choice to stop exploration in a RPG feel less like a limitation of raw power and more like a  design decision. I would have preferred a game in which Midgar was a place to see and explore and interact with. Where I could haggle with one vendor over something found in another. Where I could watch the day cycle send people back and forth work. But Midgar wasn’t their focus. Telling you a story was. And as fun as that was, it was so disappointing to find that the original game gave you more by letting your mind wander past its graphical limitations than the remake did do by making the decision to limit your ability to physically explore visible areas. Instead of letting a visible wall stop you from going somewhere, an invisible force just puts a stop to your antics and tells you to get back to work. Maybe it's just psychological, but it is maddening. The physical world of 7 was just as important as its story and characters, but the story got to lead the show, and to me this feels off balance and off brand.

THE TAKEAWAY

This is a good game. A well made game for the most part. It's rough in places, but not so rough that it really hurts the end result. Final Fantasy 7 Remake is actually a showcase of talent that comes out of Square-Enix and despite the fact that I feel like they either bite off more than they can chew or completely misunderstand their core fanbase, they are still great artists. I often question whether game designers at big companies are customer service machines that should give us the product we demand or artists that deserve to create in a space that we support. Remake reminds me why I am both supportive but vocal. They may never hear me, but I want to know I said something. Still, it ends up being more than the sum of its parts. The game hums along like a well made machine. It takes time to remind fans of key moments, interjects tons of surprises that don’t entirely offend its base, and ultimately is never boring. What more could you ask from a game? Well, as it turns out, a lot. And I have so much more to say about the actual story content of this game and of Final Fantasy as a whole. If I didn’t mention some aspect here, it's probably because I want to discuss it in a way that may ruin the story, so look for the 3rd and final entry next week.

[ourwickedworld]

The Rambling Man Travel Review: Reno, Nevada

Reno, Nevada…  The Biggest Little City in the world, located mere miles from scenic Lake Tahoe.  Reno, known for so many things.  Yes, gambling is probably the first thing that creeps into your head as you begin the initial descent into Reno / Tahoe International Airport on the East end of Reno.  But, Reno is so much more!!  And, to be clear, because in an odd way I get this question more often than not.  “No, Reno is not any where near Las Vegas!” Frankly, Sin City is a 6 plus hour car trip away.  And, yes, the two Old West towns have some things in common, but the truth is they have more uncommon than you would expect.  This is the Silver State, Ramblin with the Rambling Man, checking out the dudeability, the hang outs, the good time, hidden gems….  Rambling, walking, eating, drinking, fishing, hunting, sporting…   Rambling into town, and taking in the town for all its worth.  From local sporting events, to grabbing a cold beer, or strolling a midnight street in search of every dream inside my soul.

If you want to double down on 11 in a game of black jack, sure…  You can take lady luck for a twirl at most locations in Nevada.  Heck, you can gamble in the grocery store! Gambling, of course, does not hold a stick to legalized prostitution in the Silver State.  A must see “dude event,” a most unique experience while in Nevada.  One must visit a brothel.  The experience of Ringing the bell, having the ladies line up, and the entire pomp and circumstance of legalized prostitution…  This is Nevada!!  Embrace it Bro..    And, hey, I am not singing a sad cowboy tune, but one does not have to sleep with a hooker to visit a Brothel.  Gentleman, the experience of visiting the Whore House is truly West Coast Cowboy Country Cool.  The experience of visiting the relic of the old west sorta makes actually having to bang a hooker totally unnecessary.  But, if you do decide to go to Tuna Town in the desert.  The house madam at the Brothel, and Brothel ownership, usually have high standards of safety and satisfaction. Plus, the State of Nevada ensures STD safe sex.  What a Country!  More like what a State.  Yes, the only state with Legalized Prostitution, but not the only state with prostitution.  As the oldest profession continues its strong industry and economic success globally.  

Some suggestions: Mustang Ranch on the outskirts of Reno defines old west prostitution, and if you can avoid the rush of tires truck drivers who frequent the place, the experience is sure to remind you that being a dude is still groovy.  The experience is sure to make you proud once again to be the sole proprietor of your personal penis, regardless of size.  Mustang offers drinks and libations with the most perfect bar to take in a conversation with one of the many girls patrolling the room.  The many patrons, of course, have their own unique stories as well sitting near if you so desire to engage.  But, dang it bro, you are on vacation, strike up a conversation. Most Renoites will be more than happy to share a story or two, especially if you are talking golf, hookers, skiing, cold beer, or cards.  

I woke up a bit foggy… I think I got home around 3:30 AM, an UBER brought me from Mustang back to my downtown Reno hotel room at the Eldorado Hotel and Casino.  I was nude, my clothes from last night thrown over the chair adjacent to my bed, I could still smell the stench of Mustang and Crown Royal bellowing from my garments. What a night…  I need some coffee and to walk some of the haze from behind my eyes.  I take a quick walk upon exiting the casino doors at the Eldorado, moving South down Virginia St.  I then take a right turn on First St.  

I arrive at Hub Coffee Roasters on Riverside Dr in Reno.  I sit outside, a round table with an extra chair my only company.  I sip a tall black coffee and pick at my cheese Danish. My view is of the Truckee River and the adjacent walking trail and park.  The trees scream early fall as I sit still listening to the peace of the morning.  

On foot one can embrace a new city on a much more intimate level.  You can walk almost in slow motion as you take in the new sights, smells, and people.  My walk today has a walking path that winds around the Truckee River directly West towards the Keystone Ave Bridge, the Booth St. Bridge, and Idlewild Park.  The orange, yellow leaves under my feet, as cool mountain air surrounds me.  I hear chirps from a few birds, and the 10:00 AM train and its screech and horn.  The water from the river heads East, against my walk.  It is a most perfect morning, and I am stoned immaculate in my city by the big lake in the Sierras.  You can almost smell that the snow of Winter is near, I walk.  My head phones in both ears, music plays, song after song.  I hear my playlist, my shuffle playlist. The many songs from Apple I-Tunes subscription.  

Three miles is a decent introduction walk to Reno, as I start my daily stroll from Hub Coffee Roasters by directly heading west on the adjacent walking trail…  I walk with the morning sun on my back, music keeping me company.  Beck, REM, Pearl Jam, Band of Horses, Elliot Smith, Mount Eerie, Bob Dylan….  The Truckee River from the nearby Sierra Nevada Mountain range brings fresh and clear water from the tops of elevated peaks seen in the distance, the river keeps me company as I ramble on.  It is a most perfect walk, a mix of solitude, water, fall, and some strange faces.  My own music allows me to not skip a beat.  

I have a personal tour of a local Cannabis Dispensary at 4 PM.  And dinner with an old friend, Clint Cates.   Yes, above and beyond gambling and prostitution, Nevada has recently legalized cannabis.  Yep, you can literally go pick up a sack at a local retail weed dealer.  What a country?  And they deliver…  

The inner workings of a cannabis dispensary, a bit underwhelming.  It is all about security in a cash only business… And, the chronic has some street value, no doubt.  So, bullet proof sheet rock, big safes with secret codes and levels of management. Not to mention, a big wall of people. I thought “Starbucks but weed” after 15 minutes into my tour because the Mynt Dispensary in Downtown Reno.  The place was packed, all sorts of sour faces and young people alike looking at such a variety of products.  Heck, when I was a kid, getting a sack of weed was a crap shoot. You would get a plastic sandwich bag with something green inside, and you would pay the man the cash.  Today, its sativa or Indica.  It’s oils, wax, vape pens, and don’t get me started on the names.  Pot can’t just be pot anymore.  Marketing has invaded the space, so pot now is Orange Krusk Kush, or Spiral to Insanity. Regardless, Reno has it all, and the Mynt Dispensary is close and will satisfy one’s curiosity on what is recreational legalization.  Check it out….  

Mr. Cates urged me to see the Grow Facility, the actual place the pot is grown.  And, talk about impressive…  To see such a green forest of pot inside the facility was one most unique experience.  What a country?  And, Nevada, Northern Nevada.  This place is lit, no pun intended.  

And, when you are stoned? Besides taking a walk and being outdoors, I enjoy food, duh…  I think that is the pothead mantra, let’s get high and eat are faces off.  For Clint’s chronic hospitality, and world class tour of the Mynt Dispensary facilities, I offered to buy the pot entrepreneur dinner.

Clint, he suggests a local staple, but a Cougar Stop first.  

We walk into The Polo Lounge with glazed eyes and an unquenchable thirst.  We pull up to seats at the bar, we were Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday in a pair of cowboy boots galloping into this local dive bar. And, we were looking for a cold drink.  

The Polo Lounge located in Midtown Reno is a retro and freaky dive bar with strange faces everywhere. The bar, however, is first and foremost a place to drink in a town of drinkers.  Did I mention?  Reno can drink.  I am feeling a Vodka and Tonic with a lemon night is on the horizon.  I am in the land of milk and honey, as this dive bar is also a Cougar den.  Hot, horny, older women.  And like fine wine, and vodka to my tongue, an older woman is truly as sexy as a woman can possible be.  Especially, if the music is loud, the drinks are cheap, and last call is just a rumor. That’s right, you can drink all day and all night in the Biggest Little City.  No last call!!  What a country bro!!!

Clint stumbles back from a food run, we lost most of the night in a haze of laughter, pick up lines, and bar games.  We even missed the food reservation.  Clint finds a solution!  He brings back some food from Miguel’s Mexican Cantina, a short walk away from The Polo Lounge.  I am mouth first into an onion and cheese enchilada and a chili relleno in the most elegant egg crepe as 2 AM reared its ugly head.  I order a cold beer to wash it down, The Polo Lounge happily accommodates our request to bring in outside food.  Dive bar, check.  Great company and laughter, check.  Great Mexican food, check!!  The Rambling Man thinks highly in regards to the drinkability and Eatability in the Biggest little City…

I sleep until high noon. The partly cloudy fall day brings a day to catch up.  I have one more night in Reno, what will the last day of my weekend getaway bring.  I hope more laughter, and more food.  

What will today bring, a Sunday afternoon and night in Reno.  I stick to my vacation theme, let’s walk, drink, eat, and find some laughter.

I start my last night with a Sunset Walk at nearby Virginia Lake.  The manmade lake is exactly one mile around, it is a big oval walking / running path near the intersection of Virginia St. and Plumb Lane in Reno.  It is a most beautiful walk and sunset.  I start my walk, set for 3 laps, at approximately 5:45 PM, sunset set for 6:20 PM, and the sky was set ablaze with all of autumn’s glory.  The lake is full of aquatic life, ducks, geese, turtles, fish.  With the best feature of Virginia Lake, a forest of sage brush. As dusk approaches, the smell from the sage brush is worth a billion silver dollars.  The smell of sun fading from summer, the old west meeting the fresh air of ancient mountain shadow.  Air so still, my heart beats in rhythm with the season.  

After the walk, I go to the nearby Atlantis Casino….  The Atlantis, less than a quarter mile from Virginia Lake, is where I will partake in the Steam Room with Eucalyptus spray and a world class massage.  I feel like I am made of rubber, I feel happy.  So, I make my way down to the sportsbook within the bowels of the Atlantis casino.  I grab a beer and a nearby handicapping sheet, I am going to bet on the NFL Sunday night game of the Week, it’s the Patriots vs the Chiefs.  What a game!!  I put $500 on Tom Brady, the old man from Nor Cal, to win the game by more than two points.  

At halftime, I stagger over to the Purple Parrot restaurant within the Atlantis to get my all time favorite sandwich, The Monty Cristo.  This fried sandwich with a side of strawberry preserves is not something I eat, nor even have the option of ordering.  The Monty Cristo with a side of fries, I sit at my table, lost in the casino carpet, and flashy neon lights, my eyes fixed upon the next numbers in the never ending run of Keno games on the overhead TV.  In my head, I keep wishing for eight numbers to match, a dream of wealth and fame surely awaits if I can only just get 8 numbers correct.  

The night fades into the swallows of tomorrow, I make my way back to downtown and the Eldorado.  My flight leaves tomorrow at 10:15 AM….

Hue of the TV radiates upon my tired and sleepy head, a weekend in Reno.  I spark my lighter, weed set aglow, I inhale.  Stoned immaculate, I am the Rambling Man.  Reno ENVY… Reno, Nevada…  Walkability Score:  9 out of 10,  Drinkability Score:  7 out of 10, Eatability Score:  7 out of 10, Overall Value:  8 of 10, The Ability of the City to Provide a Unique Experience:  10 of 10.

Or course, my weekend getaway is meant to start a conversation regarding travel.  Reno has so much more to offer, like most cities, it would take multiple trips to take it all in.  I, do however, list below some activities or events to consider when traveling to Reno.  

1.       Fish for Brown or Rainbow Trout in the Truckee River. Entrance Point at Mayberry Park west of town make this easy to access.  Artificial flies, a Salmon Egg, or even a piece of Bacon on the end of the stick will find success at dawn or twilight.  

2.       Check out a University of Nevada Football game at nearby Mackey Stadium in the Fall, a Nevada Basketball game in the Winter, or a Reno Aces Minor League Baseball game in the Spring or Summer.  Hey, we love our sports, and checking out a new venue is always cool.  

3.       Walking Options: Mayberry Park, Downtown Reno, Virginia Lake, Rancho San Rafael

4.       Harrah’s Auto Museum – This is a legit place, full of classic cars that will blow your mind.

5.       Rib Cookoff, Balloon Races, Hot August Nights, all tourists traps but a place to start a weekend to Ramble On…..  

Finally, and in closing, what is the soul of the city, what is the Soul of Reno?  Reno has two faces, and contradiction surrounds.  The beauty of Lake Tahoe, the Truckee River, the Sierra Nevada Mountains, alongside the despair of prostitution and gaming.  The city is the chain of vice, and the elegance of a perfect small town.  It is the old west, yet modern day growth and opportunity abounds.  It’s the Wild, Wild West, it’s the Biggest Little City in the World.  Regardless, Reno is a fantastic place to Ramble On.

The Rambling Man continues next week, we explore Athens, Georgia.  Please follow us on Twitter, @BarkmanPete. We are no longer on Facebook.  Why? Because Facebook sucks.  

Please consider checking out other Podcast segments available on The Pete Barkman Show. Segments include the following: The Rambling Man, Las Vegas Larry’s Losers ( sports picks, predictions, and handicapping).  And, our How To Live a Happy and Healthy Life Series.  Plus, much more.  The Pete Barkman Show, available on most Podcast Platforms.  

[studylifeusa]

From Student Blogger, Valeria: Top 12 Things I have Learned in my First Year Studying in the U.S.A.

Exactly one year ago I came to the United States as an international student to pursue my college degree. Honestly, I cannot believe that it has been one full year already! Where did the time go? Looking back, it has been the best year of my life so far.

In celebration of that, I wanted to share 12 things I have learned this first year of living and studying abroad. I hope they help, prepare and inspire you to take on this adventure as well.

Love and enjoy your loved ones extra hard.

Before going away, you may feel nostalgic and sad about leaving your loved ones. It is okay to miss them but also, treasure and cherish them as much as you can while you are with them. I remember the sweetest days were when I found out I was coming here, and I started appreciating my family and friends much more.

My family and I

Pack the important stuff.

Pack a few important items that remind you of your roots and who you are. For me, it was letters and pictures from my loved ones, a Costa Rican flag, and my journals. Whenever I feel homesick, I read those letters, go back to my journal and remind myself that I had dreamed about being here and that I am so blessed.

Get yourself a calendar and planner.

Whether it’s a physical planner, Google calendar, or post-it notes on the back of your notebook, find an organization method that works for you and stick to it. It is EXTREMELY important in college to be organized with your time and responsibilities. Personally, I like to use Google calendar to keep track of my class/study/work schedule. I also use my computer calendar for my assignments and exams, and I use Google Keep to track my to-do lists. Thanks to these tools I am able to manage everything that I have to do.

This is what my calendar looks like on a regular basis

Work hard from the beginning.

You don’t want to be rushing at the end of the semester to figure out how on earth you will pass a class. Just give your best from the beginning and you will be less stressed near the end of the semester.

It’s not all about college.

Yes, you are here to study, but it is also important to make friends, get off your computer every once in a while and enjoy yourself. You are living one of the best seasons of your life and you won’t experience it if you’re in your dorm all the time. Some of the things I enjoy doing with my friends is sit around the campfire, make s’mores and sing songs together.

My friends and I warmed up after a night of ice skating

Do not wait until you are dying to go to the doctor.

You are paying health insurance for a reason, please use it when you need it. Don’t let medical costs scare you from going; if you have a health insurance provider through your school, chances are your health insurance will cover a good portion of your fees.

Get involved on campus.

There are many options such as clubs, student government, sports, study sessions, conferences, events and many more. I can assure you it will make your college experience way better if you are active and involved. When I first started college I was scared to try out new things. Fortunately, my friends convinced me to run for SGA Vice President and I won. I am so happy that I am now active on campus and I work towards making our college a better place for all students.

TMCC's 2019-2020 Student Government Association

Get to know yourself as a student.

Identify when you are most productive during the day and plan your study sessions accordingly, know when you need outside help, explore your career options, study in advance and take breaks when you need them. For me, I am the most productive from 8 pm - 12 am, so most of my studying sessions are around that time. I love going to the tutoring center to work on my homework and get help.

Do yourself a favor and go to your professors’ office hours.

This will motivate you to do better, you will receive professional advice, get the help you need in the class, and your instructor will see firsthand that you want to do well and are trying your best. My first semester I was able to ace both of my English classes thanks to my professor’s office hours. I would bring my questions to her and she would work collaboratively with me to make my essays the best they could be. I learned SO much from my professor and to this day I still work with many of the techniques she taught me.

Try to get some exercise.

This is not only extremely important for your body but also for your mind. The more you work out the better you feel about yourself and the more it boosts you to do better in other areas as well.

Change your routine every once in a while.

If you have the opportunity, travel somewhere, discover a new place, go on a hike or a swim, immerse yourself in nature, and get to know new places. This will re-energize you and give you the strength to keep going. Here in Reno, Nevada we are fortunate enough to have so much nature around us. My absolute favorite place is Lake Tahoe. You can ski, snowboard, kayak, swim, hike or just be mesmerized by the incredible view.

Beautiful Lake Tahoe in the summer

Enjoy this season of your life.

This is one of the best times of your life and you don’t want to realize this after it is gone. Appreciate having the opportunity to learn every day, study as much as you can, and give your best in all you do. Yes, college is stressful, but it is also a time to reinvent yourself, build your path and make life-long friends.

Valeria Saborio is from Costa Rica and is pursuing her Industrial and Systems Engineering degree at Truckee Meadows Community College in Reno, Nevada.

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[dcnativegal]

It is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability -- and that it may take a very long time. (de Chardin)

My mind, my heart, is awake and brave.

I do not know my mind and heart as separated. I know myself, through a glass, darkly.  Physician, heal thyself, applies to me, although I’m a mere social worker.

Today I am all about metaphors and clichés.

I have been about healing myself since I sought out psychotherapy in the 10th grade: I was the first self-referred adolescent anyone could remember at that public clinic in DC. I have been healing the betrayal of a limited and dangerous faith, Christian Science, since that morning I discovered that my grandmother was cold and stiff in her bed at the age of 65, dead from preventable causes. I went on to school that day, after telling my little sister to go tell Mom that Nana had died. I was 15. It was that year, 1975, that I called Bullshit on how I’d been raised. I started in earnest to separate the wheat of the many gifts and legacies I was given, from the chaff of illness, limitation, cruelty, which grew up right alongside.

Apparently, it’s a lifetime pursuit.

One thing about moving to so radically different a physical location (DC to Paisley) is that the usual thoughts and routines were stripped from my consciousness and I was plopped down as if by helicopter into a new world. I’m still learning where I am, physically. I’m still discerning the subtleties of Eastern Oregon etiquette. I am not known, yet, not very deeply, so I have settled into a now familiar loneliness. Nevermind “Question Authority”. I question everything. What I knew Before, without thinking a whole lot about it, floods in and fills up the spaces that had been stripped by the new environment, flooding in like the water does after an underwater earthquake. Past memories pull away, so strangely. And then flood back in a tsunami.

Which is why what I’ve been writing since I got to the Oregon Outback feels like memoir. My awareness is filled with the Before, alternating with The Brand New. It makes my brain full to overflowing. Some evenings, I go to bed at 7pm. I dream of cities.

**

For the past month or more, I have felt tears very close to the surface, multiple times a day, and they spill over if I let them.

Because…

·       I have been living in this skin for almost six decades

·       I am well trained and broadly experienced as a clinical social worker for three decades

·       And I am ­­familiar enough with my own experience as a client in psychotherapy…

I know that something is up. I am living in the midst of not knowing what it is. Which I can actually tolerate, although I do so hate crying at the beginning of a work day because part of my brain is just mush after that.

I had a big cry at the beginning of a work day recently. I noticed later in the day, that I was looser and more open with my clients, a bit braver with my questions of them, a bit more tuned in. I also had to monitor myself in a different way that the usual self-monitoring. I had to see if my inner turmoil was skewing the session, more than usual. A big part of being a psychotherapist is working to keep my shit from contaminating their shit. Or maybe I could pick a nicer metaphor. How about I keep my water colors inside myself, and let them paint their own picture with their water colors.

A recent Sunday morning’s tears came from the embarrassment and frustration of psyching myself up to go to the Catholic Church up the hill from my house for the first time here in Paisley, dressing up just a bit for the occasion, only to find that once again I have miscounted which Sunday it is. This parish meets 1st and 3rd Sundays. And it was Fourth Sunday. Dammit.

I deeply hunger for church. I feel guilty for feeling so needy about the comfort of church. The Episcopal Book of Common Prayer puts it this way: “Deliver us from the presumption of coming to this Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal.”

I hunger for all of it: solace, strength, pardon, AND renewal.

Valerie and I are beginning to be recognized at the Episcopal Church in Bend because we’ve been there more than once, and we are greeted with smiles of recognition. I’ve enjoyed the Episcopal flavor of Eucharist in Coos Bay, Reno, Nevada, Eugene, Salem, and Lakeview, who’s parishioners you can count on two hands. I’ve hung with the Lutherans, Quakers and the UUs in Klamath Falls and the Methodists in Fort Klamath.

I went to Paisley Community Church the weekend before my attempted Catholic crashing, for the first time in 4 months. It is such a lovely building, with the big bell that gets rung by a child at 9:30am every Sunday. I see familiar faces and they smile back at me. By now, I know half the congregation by name. I hear prayers and concerns, announcements. We sing songs with the words projected stage left from the altar, and some of them I recognize. How Great Thou Art made an appearance. Not a favorite, but I knew it.

What killed me was the sermon. It was preached in what Valerie explained to me is a typical evangelical style, not planned out, but extemporaneous, so the “Holy Spirit” can edge in there. How I received it was, well, negatively. I was not tuned into his channel. Especially when I hear the name Jezebel, and talk of watching out for the Devil, after weeks of #Metoo, as millions of women reveal they, too, have been sexually harassed or assaulted. I was not having it.

I’d much rather watch out for God than the Devil. I do not go to church to find God but to share God, as Alice Walker points out In the Color Purple. I couldn’t share. The sermon was a sincerely delivered, garbled mess, as far as I could discern. It left me bereft.

What I hunger for is a story. Tell me a story.

I also hunger for familiarity, because familiarity triggers the epic mystery of ritual. After 40 years of the Collect for Purity, I weep from the missing of it:

Almighty God, to you all hearts are open, all desires known, and from you no secrets are hid: Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love you, and worthily magnify your holy Name; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

I feel better just reading this aloud.

I am trying to remain as open as I can to the spiritual gift of new challenges, including evangelical preaching. Among my questions: how to remain open without pulling a muscle?  I seek spiritual nourishment and I am starving. I’m going to seek out the Catholics. At least the liturgy is familiar.

**

I’m met with a brand spanking new psychotherapist for the first time in October, in Bend. I’ve decided that a monthly, rigorous archeological expedition of my psyche would be good. I miss my former therapist, The Wizard, who never failed to leave me feeling better and more functional after 50 minutes with her. But the three phone calls we’ve had since my move west are just not enough.  I need the in-person three-dimensional interaction.

It always feels a little scary to see a new therapist. I can relate even better to my clients’ experience when they first see me: they must wonder who the hell this woman is who wants to know such personal stuff.  I was going to be picky in selecting a new therapist, and I asked for recommendations. Then I checked what’s covered by my insurance, and looked to see if LGBT is on their list of interests. Not that being queer is an issue for me now, but I so don’t want it to be an issue for my therapist because if it is, her water colors will most definitely smear into mine. I don’t have time for that. Seriously. You don’t have to know much about what it is like to be gay, but I do not want to sense on any level that you think it is a bad thing, some sort of disability, something freakish. I mean, I’ve gone through a spell of crying daily, for god/ess’ sake. Your homophobia will not help me.

Turns out there is such demand and so few therapists that I had to get on several waiting lists. Finally, this one gal called me back. I saw her for 80 minutes on a Wednesday on the way to a training in Portland. I like her. She seems smart, kind, experienced. I impressed her; I was trying to. I want her to like me, so that when she hears the stories of my ruined parts, she will hold them in context. I will see her once a month.

I am reminded of Anne Lamott:

I asked a friend of mine who practices a spiritual path called Diamond Heart to explain the name recently, because I instinctively know that Sam and I both have, or are, diamond hearts. My friend said our hearts are like diamonds because they have the capacity to express divine light, which is love; we are not only portals for this love, but are actually made of it. She says we are made of light, our hearts faceted and shining, and I absolutely believe this, to a point: Where I disagree is when she says we are beings of light wrapped in bodies that only seem dense and ponderous, but are actually made of atoms and molecules, with infinite space and light in between them. It must be easy for her to believe this, as she is thin, and does not have children. But I can meet her halfway: I think we are diamond hearts, wrapped in meatballs.

Anne Lamott, Plan B

 ­­**

There are lots of metaphors and explanations for psychological distress, and for the prospect of trying to grow and change out of patterns of behavior or thought that do not serve me or help me serve others. I spent much of social work school trying to diagnose my mother. It was the side gig of my Master’s Degree.

Apparently, sometimes, the brain inherits traits and characteristics in the DNA, and genes get flipped on or off depending on environment. Sometimes the in-utero environment makes an impact. Did you know that when a family has a series of boys, one of the younger ones might be gay? I know of three families in which this is true, including my own.

I read somewhere that when a mother is anxious, the fetus will be bathed in cortisol, the stress hormone, and then once born, they are more likely to be anxious as a child. It certainly seems intuitive that an anxious child picks up anxiety when the mama is anxious.  In childhood, the child does everything within its power to capture the attention and love of the mother.

“The key role of the 'good enough' mother [is] adaptation to the baby, thus giving it a sense of control, 'omnipotence' and the comfort of being connected with the mother. This 'holding environment' allows the infant to transition at its own rate to a more autonomous position.  The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure." (Winnicott, 1953)

“Failure” sounds harsh, but it is inevitable that a mother fails her child because it is impossible to meet every need, in fact it is not a good thing to have every need met. However, there is a basic minimum, the Good Enough, and my mother could not meet it. Although she did the best she could.

My sister and I both survived our mother, and when we look back to our ancestors, we’ve concluded that we are pretty darn high functioning, given the heritage.

I do wonder at the trauma my clients have survived, and how lucky I was. Of the highest possible score of ten in the test, “Adverse Childhood Experiences,” most of my clients score a 5 or more. I do realize that having a troubled childhood is not a competitive sport: I must deal with what I was dealt and take responsibility from there. (I scored a 3: https://www.ncjfcj.org/sites/default/files/Finding%20Your%20ACE%20Score.pdf)  As my first therapist once told me, it is okay to acknowledge our own deprivation. Perhaps an early step of self-care is this acknowledgement, and the beginning of healthy self-soothing.

Unhealthy self-soothing is rampant: for me it’s over eating and over spending. I don’t feel that there is ENOUGH for me. I need MORE. And yet I have plenty.

There is

Always

Enough

And

Enough

Is

Plenty

Guillermo in Simply Living: The Spirit of Indigenous People by Shirley Jones

 Although I KNOW I have enough, somehow, I don’t feel it. I don’t act like I have enough.

All kinds of behaviors and ideas about myself came from being an anxious child in an anxious, chaotic household. Without psychotherapy, I slowly return to my default position: anxiety and self-doubt. Psychotherapy is like physical therapy, for me. Without it, I tend to deteriorate. Ongoing therapy taps into my strengths and I get stronger, again, over and over. Depression and anxiety are the default positions, but not my fate. It’s like diabetes: it cannot be cured, but it can be managed.

I do realize how much I use the word HUNGER as a metaphor. Or maybe it is reality. We can hunger for love.

***

The triumvirate of healing for me is, talk therapy, psychotropics, and self-awareness. Oh and church.

After finding a therapist, I also saw my family nurse practitioner. I did not intend to go in there looking for a new antidepressant, but as we discussed my chronic illnesses, and my discouragement, I cried pretty much the entire time. Tears have a way of sending up an emergency flare, don’t they? Within the hour, I had a new antidepressant. It is my third one. Prior to starting each of the three, I had daily crying jags that I could not stop.

The very next day: no tears. Either I’d cried myself out, or the subtle shift of chemicals stopped up the leaky tearducts. Either way, I’m grateful. New psychotropics?  Check.

***

Self-awareness is risky because it can fall so easily into self-absorption or self-pity. The worst is self-delusion. Tell the truth to yourself, if to nobody else.  Self-awareness means I notice my thoughts, moods, what comes out of my mouth, to make adjustments, to query myself, what’s going on? Why such caustic cynicism? Why so many f-bombs?  

Depression can express itself in irritability, in the lack of pleasure in usual things, in the over estimation of some things and under estimation of others. My former fiancé once said, life is a shit sandwich, and every day a bigger bite. Depression is the glass half empty. And it lies.

Sometimes, when I am in a darker place, it has meant that too much is going on at one time and I am simply overwhelmed because of stressors that are not my fault. What got me into therapy with The Wizard back in 1999 was what we both eventually referred to as an emotional multi-car pile-up. Many external stressors were wearing me down and my internal leaning is to anxiety and self-doubt. I leaned so far, I fell over.

Is that’s what’s going on now?

Some very old emotional stuff got stirred up in September. My ongoing and mostly unsuccessful struggle with pancreatitis makes me feel bad and is wearing. My work is challenging and it’s not just the pain of the clients I see. I am deeply disappointed in my failure to get my shit together in one important area (that would be my finances) and the self-beration is corrosive, not to mention the stressor of the consequences (poverty). Wouldn’t it just be easier to change my behavior instead of berating myself for behaving in the old, familiar ways?

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Behavior change is not easy. Insight helps but it is not enough.

Like many people, part of my sadness comes from the dying of the light, as fall turns to winter in the northern hemisphere. I share this with millions. (It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

I listened recently to a podcast on managing money called Bad With Money. The host is a ‘creative’ who happens to have bipolar disorder. Her guest on that episode also had bipolar, and she spoke about spending money wildly when she’s manic.  She’s built in some safeguards in her life to prevent her from doing this. She also has friends give her feedback if she’s getting too ‘weird.’ How wonderful is that. People who gently say, hon, I think you’re getting a little wound up here…And this creative woman can say, oh shit, thanks for pointing this out! And she goes into radical self-care mode, and maybe adjusts her medications.

Yeah, it would be helpful to have friends like that. My gentle, totally unneurotic partner picks up a number of my craziness clues. Mostly, I observe myself. I am the turd around which the world revolves, after all. (Once again, Anne Lamott.)

Ever heard of Maria Bamford? She has struggled with OCD, bipolar disorder and a bunch of other things, and she is on top of all of that, mostly through ‘better living through chemistry’, which is to say she finally found the right drug for her. Depakote, as it turns out. She is an actress and comedian and quite wonderful. She has had to spend her entire adult life figuring out how to survive (literally, to not kill herself) and then, finally, thrive. It is hard work! She is well worth watching to see how she does the thriving thing: her art is standup comedy. An inspiration for wee neurotic me.

So.

I am aware that something is a bit more stirred up, a bit looser, a bit more aware of the echo of old pain, than usual. I am not sure what to do with this awareness beyond what I am doing, which is, a bit of bibliotherapy (writing about it), seeking out a new therapist on this side of the continental divide (done), switching antidepressants (done), and looking for church (ongoing.)  I am also lucky to be going on a weeklong retreat that my incredibly loving and generous only sibling is paying for, in mid-November. I will have the luxury to concentrate on me and only me for a bit. (Warning: the following is metaphor frappe.) I go in the hope the part of me that is the observing ego can revisit some old tender places, cast an eye, and an ear, to listen to the echo of the old pain, and practice self-healing, self-forgiveness, to be whole for a minute, to allow the pain to wash over me. I would like to orchestrate the old pain, the long ago deprivation, into a cleansing bath, like the conductor does in the video I’m of late obsessed with: a concert in Verona Italy, with Peter Gabriel singing a haunting version of David Bowie’s Heroes. Watch the YouTube video and see this lithe man swing his arms ­­­­so that all the violins will conjure up the sweet agony of the music. (Google

Peter Gabriel - Heroes (Live in Verona 2010) - YouTube

and watch him yourself.)

Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightment: chop wood, carry water.

Before mental health is re-established: show up for work, show up for the people who love me, practice self-care, and crochet. After mental health is re-established: show up for work, show up for the people who love me, practice self-care, and crochet.

Here is one of the most comforting bits of writing I’ve ever found, for times like these. The thing is, the unformed unknowing never ends. But that’s okay. It has to be okay. I am trying, always to “accept… the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense, and incomplete.”

 Trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new,

and yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability -- and that it may take a very long time.

 Your ideas mature gradually --

let them grow, let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on, as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)

will make them tomorrow.

 Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,

and accepting the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense, and incomplete.

                                                          Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 depression anxiety de Chardin therapy

[devilsknotrp]

Congratulations, Cee! You’ve been accepted for the role of Bobby Davies with the faceclaim of Julian Morris. Here’s another sample application from one of our existing members. You can find our other sample applications in this tag here. If you’re working on an app and have any questions, don’t hesitate to send them through.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: Cee Age: 20 Pronouns: She/her Timezone: GMT+10 Activity estimation: During my university break, I can typically post IC every day or every second day, doing multiple threads. During semester, I’m usually able to write and post IC every 2-3 days, at least. If I know I’ll be extremely busy, I’ll request a hiatus or semi-hiatus or stagger posts slightly! Triggers: N/A

IN CHARACTER: BASICS

Full name: Robert ‘Bobby’ Davies Age (DD/MM/YYY): Thirty (30/09/1966) Gender: Cis male Pronouns: He/him Sexuality: Homosexual demiromantic Occupation: Systems research analyst Connection to Victim: Truthfully, through town gossip. He’s never spoken a word to any of the Goodes. Maggie’s brought Linda up once or twice over dinner, especially since Brian has gone missing. All Oh, poor Brian and sidelong glances at Deborah. That, or the Goodes have been mentioned in passing when he’s landed himself in a hushed, sensitive crash-course on his younger sister. Alibi: He was at a high-end wine bar in Lansing that afternoon, doing his damnedest to impress a colleague over a twenty-dollar glass of merlot. Bobby’s been tentative to suggest to him they go for drinks, especially on a four-thirty Friday knockoff. So they agreed for Saturday instead. He drove back alone to Devil’s Knot around 8.45 that night and went straight to bed. Faceclaim: Julian Morris

WRITING SAMPLE

His eyes are starting to blur. Long gone are the heat mirages and blinding pale sunlight across the flat. Now, the horizon bleeds into purple and blue. Worse yet, the radio’s been reduced to static and there’s not a cassette to be found in the car. A hand idly goes up to pinch the bridge of his nose first, then rub at the corner of one eye. At first, the distant spot of light is dismissed by fatigue, although as he nears the brightness grows, bringing into focus silhouettes of parked trucks and cars, patchy along the line of a gas station.

Once there he pulls over. At the pumps Bobby stops, although he doesn’t get out of the car right away. He’s somewhere over the Nevada border, past Reno but ultimately nowhere. Why didn’t he buy a goddamn plane ticket? Right. Work had left him high and dry, damn near cashless save for what he’d stuffed his wallet with. They’d even been hesitant to cough up a final pay, leaving Bobby with no choice but the car, though he suspects it’s got a touch more leg room than economy.

Deep down, he drives for the nostalgia. Lets himself revisit the same sights from the way over when he was eighteen. Though, there’s a few more strip malls than he recalls along the way, and the songs on the radio don’t sound quite right. No more Bruce Springsteen and AC/DC. It sounds sadder. The drive’s also to tell himself that when he gets back to Devil’s Knot, Perry won’t be there waiting. Neither will Maggie. It’ll likely be close to midnight when he arrives, the town deadened by sleep and the outskirts pitch black. It’s a cosmic joke that he’ll probably have to get a room at Sal’s run-down motel. Maybe that’s his trial by fire.

Bobby lets out a sigh and leaves the car. His feet shuffle on the spot as the tank refills, homed in on the rhythmic click of the gas pump, the rush of trucks that fly by left muted, as if they’re ways away rather than right beside him. Inside, he meanders between the aisles of garish chip packets and half-melted candy. He’s not proud of impulse buys but the CD copy of a Toto album is set on the counter with resolution as he mutters the pump number, pulls out a few fifties before going on his way once more. The CD slipped in, the stereo begins to blare in a bid to stay awake. Maybe if he can just make it to the state border and hit Utah, it’ll be enough to get there by the end of the week.

He has to stop at a place far closer, though, because there’s a lightness in his chest and not enough air seems to be getting in. It’s asthma, he chalks it down to; only part of the cocktail of nerves he can’t gulp down. At the back of his neck there’s gooseflesh. It doesn’t go away, even as he checks into a highway motel and clicks the television on to the eleven-p.m. news while he searches for a puffer in his duffel bag. It’s a feel-good story, the newscasters smiling and laughing with each other. With the help of a stale mini-bottle of whiskey from the motel fridge, Bobby manages to fall asleep before the midnight television static sets in.

ANYTHING ELSE?

BACKGROUND

TW FOR DRUGS / DRUG USE, OVERDOSE.

As many others can attest to, 1984 has, and continues to, shake Bobby to his core. Try as he might to swallow it back down the taste lingers sour, like bile. Until then he had grown up having what most considers a ‘normal’ childhood. Or a variant of it; depends on who you ask. Small town, a single mother, no dad in sight and grades high enough to make a Mensa member swoon. He had brought up his father once or twice when he was quite young. His curiosity eventually waned once he grew closer with his mother, Maggie, or found his nose becoming caught between a hefty book more and more often. Much to her chagrin, he’d already begun to gobble up Stephen King novels by the time he was thirteen. Books were a pleasant escape from the static of Devil’s Knot, at least for a while.

The year Phillip Silverman died and Pete narrowly avoided the same fate sticks out like a sore thumb. It’s red and swollen and throbbing – infected – and clear as day in the back of his head. Although he’s tried to rid himself of it, tuck the year away nice and neat, it threw everything off-kilter. The IB grades, the cherry-red As on his papers. An Ivy League university just in his grasp. Whatever he was sure of in himself; a hundred and one ways to get out of town and make something of himself once graduation rolled around, all gone. He wanted to get to NASA – where did that go?

Instead of graduating with friends and spending afternoons blush-drunk in the car of the boy he loved a little way out of town in the summer, an ugly mess of events sent him fleeing. He’s never forgotten the flash of red and blue some months later outside the house. Snow dappling the frozen, muddy front year, hands just free of a prayer before dinnertime, Max up and gone with the follow of Charlie Taylor’s pinched stare.

As if the murder, the endless days spent sleuthing for a whodunnit like an episode of Scooby Doo didn’t leave an imprint on him, the trial certainly did. It was the first time he’d ever worn a suit – a proper suit. He still remembers the too-tight collar, the beads of sweat on his forehead, the click of the stenographer in a Lansing courtroom. The worst part, though, was the fall of Maggie’s expression at the end of it.

Bobby didn’t even graduate high school. Where his diploma should be on the wall of Maggie’s living room, framed in beautiful wood and glass and stared at with that wistful smile of hers, it’s not. Instead he drove west with Perry Esposito. He’d planned it for some time. A tatty duffel bag under the bed, bursting at the seams with a few good books and wads of cash he’d saved from odd jobs, birthdays, loose change and old clothes. Cooped up in Sal’s shitty crate of a car with his knees to his chest, poring over a paranormal reader’s digest in the passenger seat, he was sure he could wean himself off the growing panic that grappled its way up his chest cavity. But somewhere in a Californian hotel parking lot, things crumbled once more. Raised voices skipped over the roof of a car, he stole it and ended up boggle-eyed and knee-deep between the swathes of tech geniuses in Silicon Valley.

It sounds like something out of a movie, he can admit. But it’s true. There were a few hiccups here and there for a kid with no qualifications, although things ironed out once people realised he had a natural aptitude, was too smart for his own good. He soon forgot Perry; or acted like he did.

Habits of small town living still lingered there. Although, people on the West Coast seemed more… accepting. Nobody would bat an eyelid if he said he had no other qualifications besides a few months between a tech start-up and unpaid internship, if he became too touchy with another man beside the pool at a casual ‘work’ party or a friend gestured to a tabletop lined by neat white and somebody’s credit card, for that matter. Over the years he’s gotten his hands grubby with money, drugs, uttering This means nothing, agreeing to it. Although it made him feel sure of himself, strangely, it hasn’t come without a price.

When he looks back, it was all far too much for somebody of his age. It raised him, in a way. Just as Maggie did. Except ambitious corporations brought him up on lackey internships, BASIC, an eight to six day and a celebratory drink at the end of the week. Bobby, prone to burnouts and stubborn perfection, slipped into a drug habit by the time he’d hit twenty-five to cope with the pressure – although he was proud to say he’d never gotten into cigarettes. Touted as the young, bright kid obsessed with computers from a place only made infamous by grisly crime, there was an immense expectation he felt he had to live up to.

In 1993 (or ‘94, things get hazy here), Bobby willed himself to walk through the front door of a rehab centre. He’d gone too far at a party. Having wound up in a hospital with an awful taste in his mouth and a drip in his arm, the idea ate away at his head until he forced himself to it. Going back to his job as if nothing had happened, as if his friends weren’t the ones who’d egged him on to have a bit of fun, blow off steam, was much, much harder. After having grit his teeth for another two years, Bobby got in his car that summer to make the drive back to Devil’s Knot, thinking endlessly about the fact that Perry wasn’t in the seat next to him to shout Dancing in the Dark at the top of their lungs while he drove along an empty desert stretch.

Settling back into Devil’s Knot has been met with fleeting doubts. Before Brian went missing, it seemed too good to be true. Nearly everyone from high school remained. Maggie was there, albeit with a surprise that he’d ignored for a staggeringly long time. He picked up a job in Lansing in no time. Or talked his way into it, his boss raising an eye at the fact he’d not gotten so much as a high school diploma, let alone a degree. Since the disappearance of Brian Goode, the oppressive weight of 1984 has set itself upon his chest once more, made the air stifling.

HEADCANONS

Bobby feels as if he’s failed Maggie by returning home with his tail between his legs. His first dinner back home was by far the most nerve-wracking experience, even more so than the shock of catching sight of Perry Esposito behind the bar counter when he ordered a martini filled to the brim with top-shelf liquor (or the best that Devil’s Knot could muster). He expected conversation to fall back as it was in 1984. Although he’d given Maggie the occasional telephone call over the years, it was never enough to properly connect. And after 1994 it turned into complete silence until the evening he arrived back right before the stroke of midnight, hoping the front porch light was on so he could beg for a spare room. Deborah’s a strange addition to the family, although he’s teaching himself to accept it and bite back the simmering fear that he’s lost the place where he stands with Maggie. But it’s a no-brainer. He couldn’t have possibly expected, after twelve years, to come back and have the jigsaw pieces slip neatly into place. He’s skinnier now, with purple always beneath the eyes and a strange edge he hasn’t worn away just yet. Things aren’t going back to the way they were, even if a childish part of him hopes for it.

He’s been living alone for years just fine. Why has it become so difficult to do back here? Bobby’s box-sized townhouse at the end of Main Street is a mess. There’s a distinct lack of furniture save for the stuff that came with the place, a rickety tower of empty Styrofoam takeaway containers in the kitchen sink where dirty dishes should be, television antenna askew and screen buzzing with static snow in his cramped living room. Most of the furniture he owned in California has ended up in a thrift store somewhere, collecting dust. The only thing he brought with him were his clothes, a far-cry from the jean jackets and ratty Adidas Superstars he wore when everyone last saw him. He’s become plainer. Boring. Ironed slacks and crisp white button downs, the collars starchy. No bright colours. Just white and black. The only casual clothing he’ll resort to wearing is a polo shirt and blue jeans on the weekend, if he’s really struggled with the laundry. The lack of company’s certainly gotten to him. His job in Lansing is a muted nine to five, the office laid out like a rat maze and punctuated only by the ring of a telephone or clack of a keyboard, the odd few friends to chat with there at arm’s length. Lately, he’s sought company at Mandy and Mary’s place, particularly on weekends. It’s nice. It makes Devil’s Knot more bearable, as well as dinner time. Bobby can’t cook to save himself. It either turns out burned, undercooked, or tasteless. That, and the weekly family meal at Maggie’s has been his saving grace. He’s still got his place at the table there, to his relief.

Rehab was an easy decision, kind of. Simple in thought, far more difficult in execution. Around 1993, or ’94 (he struggles to remember which; the early years of the decade were a blur) he’d left what little belongings remained in his one-bedroom apartment to settle in, to bunk beds and lights out and positive affirmations and group therapy, all with a hankering for the rush he’d forced himself to wean off. Going back to work was much harder. The culture seemed stifling, or perhaps too impulsive to let him be comfortable. Come on, a little won’t hurt. It’s not that bad. It didn’t take a phone call, or a missing boy in the news to send him back home. No, it was an itch under the skin that kept coming back on every Friday night get-together for after-work drinks.

Brian’s disappearance has made Bobby feel as if he’s been thrown back to 1984. Nothing pleasant, like Marty McFly going back to a wealthy family and happy girlfriend with a big shiny truck. No, it’s as if the search parties, sombre conversation with old friends has put him right back into his spot in the teenage “Scooby Gang” he’d wound up a part of. Worse still is that the sympathetic remarks he’s gotten from those in town makes him feel like he’s been reduced back to a wide-eyed teen. Or maybe it’s all in his head. With a tendency to bottle things up and never set things straight, Bobby’s nowhere near as open as he used to be. There are many things he hasn’t told Maggie, there are many things he hasn’t dared to admit to himself. He can feel the tension bubbling away at the back of his throat. One day, he suspects it’ll come right back up.

Bobby is selfish. After having learned to finally say no, stop putting himself up to the task of making sure others are happy at his own expense, there are many things he does that signals he wants to save his own neck. If he wants to get his way, he knows he can do so with money, all under the guise of a smile and sugar-coated generosity. Although he’ll genuinely splurge on those dear to him come Christmas time and birthdays, there are others he wants to have a sway over through grand gestures. He knows the novelty will wear off eventually.

His new job is okay – just okay. The work is repetitive at best, although it pays the bills and keeps him fed. He wanted a more senior position at first (I’ve got the experience and the skills straight from Silicon Valley, he’d pitched at the interview) but one glance down to the missing degree on his resume was all it took to put him down as a mundane desk worker. The last few months working it are bearable, although he wonders whether it’ll get any better than what he’s got now. A New Year’s resolution Bobby plans to keep once 1997 rolls around is to move to Lansing, maybe. Work part-time, go for a proper degree. If not only to make himself feel like less of a failure in Maggie’s eyes, it’ll help him shed off the worry that things are becoming static again.

[voodoorhythmrecords]

Tour Report 2019-South East Asia Tour The Monsters

This is a tour where Greta would Kill us Immediately, 7 flights, around 40'000km in 2.5 weeks, a city with about 7'000'000 mopeds, 26 of them battery operated at most ... I have only seen a few bikes driven by women over 100 years old (at least that).

I am the writer, Reverend Beat-Man, singer and guitarist of THE MONSTERS we have been touring with the New Zealanders THE CAVEMEN trough Vietnam, Taiwan and Japan

 We already did the preliminary work a few years before this tour, we is: Pete Menchetti from Slovenly Records (Sticker Guy) from Reno (USA) ... he calls his series WE'RE LOUD FEST and Swan Lee our drummer both had exchanged about one Trillion mails, made balance sheets, culture suport Letters etc ... Money Zero but Fun= Factor +180 we were lucky to be supported a little bit by Pro Helvetia and the SUISA Fondation with a deficit guarantee (in Switzerland this is possible... thanks to my lovely country)

 On Monday the Nov 19 we flew 12 hours to Vietnam and went in a taxi to Saigon (Ho-Chi-Minh City), in town there are over 7 million (they told me i didn’t count) motor scooters and they drive as it looks like all at the same time like maniacs mostly 2 but also 5 people on it, a huge chaos, everyone drives according to him just so fits first on one lane and then if enough space on the opposite lane as well no rules at all, we thought.. In the beginning it looks ultra chaotic, but i tell you if you make your own chaos music you know the deal, that there is a system in every chaos... so as well on Vietnam's streets... the trick: All vehicles are slow and they never stop, that means the traffic is always running and there is never a jam... unless someone is lying dead on the street... crossing the road as a pedestrian is a big challenge the trick is to never stop while walking Close your eyes and walk slowly in a straight line, then the mopeds will drive around you... if you make a stop or jerky movements you will be knocked over and die on the spot, like in a game, it's very simple

We're Loud Fest

———————

the welcome party was in the club Indika, in the front room a marriage orchestra playing the same shit music like all over the globe, just in vietnamese, in the back room DJ's Pete and Daddy O from Tokyo and as surprise act WASTED PIDO from Venice the One Man Band from the great DESTROY ALL GONDOLAS (Death Metal Surf).

One day later we had a party on an old Vietnamese steamer, the whole vehicle was finely carved out of rosewood and almost collapsed while dancing too wildly, I was allowed to start as REVEREND BEAT-MAN and KING KHAN & BBQ SHOW closed the evening, I can’t say anything about my show because I played it myself but it was fun, my striptease interlude and Tibetan vocal act were i guess a bit too much for them and king khan bbq show had taken over, the 2 were in a great mood and squeezed everything out of the kiddie PA System, the guitar was completely out of tune from the beginning to the end you could even see it as a concept and every line more stupid than the next one it was a great party..  i could hardly enjoy the concert because i stupidly switched to flirt mode and fell in love with all the women on the boat, after an unsuccessful tour we got drunk and at 2am we got into a strange taxi that took us to the hotel with 200 km/h in 3 seconds, the hotel was a family affair, the doors close after 8pm, the mother manager and wife for everything, i fell in love immediately, she had welcomed us, her children and husband and other family members of unknown origin all slept in the lobby under or on the table, temperature was estimated 10000 degrees and they all snuggled up comfortably in the thermo- feather blanket, we switched off the air conditioning for solidarity reason to the Family and Great off course and then got up in the morning in a sweat bath. For Breakfast you drink cold coffee with condensed milk or sit with diarrhoea on the Toilette.

We were lucky to be in Saigon in the un-touristic part (tourists quarter you recognises if it has Mc Donnalds/Starbucks sign… do not go there !! its shit 10 times as expensive, and full of Europeans and ‚i wanna see the amazing world‘ Americans) we walked around in the evening in our quarter and landed in the residential quarter, everyone had the doors far open, a honest driving between all inhabitants (not sexually) was to be observed.. i think loneliness and anti-social behaviour doesn't exist there, or hasn't arrived yet, because it's still something like a communism, an open one, whatever that means, i think when capitalism will take over, it will turn into a big fuck up shit shit hole like everywhere else,I think. Anyway but everybody in Saigon had some kind of business and sells something like living chickens (plucked alive they are then decapitated before the other living chickens ... shock therapy or something i guess) Rolex watches or fine sugar cane juice also skinning cute cuddly dogs is very popular, everything is on the ground and the ice-block supplier cleans his cocktail ice with stones from gutter, washed with stale water that dries quickly in the burning sun.. we have eaten and drunk everything, no matter how bizarre (dog (the one with the short legs, but no poodles) to the sky like rotten dicks stinking fruits and fermented fish) thanks to the demand we are still alive, and happier than ever.

  On Saturday was the official festival start which ended one day later, many bands from the Asian region played, among others URGENT MATTER from Singapore I and all others Loved them very much, super cool old school hard core punk style, without stupid jumping around in ’shorts’. the songs are about 30 seconds and then one minute break because the singer tried to say something in English REIGN IN SLUMBER from Cambodia crusts Metal Punk super trash and the Ueber Hammer the same with DISTRICT 105 (Saigon) the headliner of the evening was CUT LON from Hanoi also known as Picachu Band, Hard Core, with official jumping and macho arm contortions and those Short Long shorts.. the shit ones, I think they are relatively famous and were not very friendly to us, that’s probably why, on the same evening THE CAVEMEN first with their country n western set THE VETERAN OUTLAW on the roof terrace, then as a complete band of Super Retards in the club, and like every evening and every time I saw them the kicked so much but that there was no butt anymore, Early Stooges paired with Glitter Punk and GG Allin, completely stupid and horny, everything is possible and everything they do especially drinking and taking drugs, THE TEWWZERS from Tokyo ex Teenegenerate, Power Pop high-flyers I have unfortunately missed because I was flirting, what one from Hawaii and her girlfriend from Brooklyn i think ajajaj... but all of them said they were great, THE CARRISON from Malaysia we met at dinner is Punk Rock'n'Roll and then TOTAL CONTROL from Australia from the asylum escaped Kraut Rocker and punks on LSD played with violins and flute but they also had problem with the 15 buck guitar amp for the estimated 100th time because there is no equipment in Vietnam, everything has to be ordered somehow PA amps etc.. and things like that are very hard to find and the equipment is not made for Rock'n'roll... rather for cuddle karaoke or Wedding Bands, at the end of the Night the: STOMPIN' RIFFRAFFS from Tokyo and they ruled the party, rock'n'roll covers with a Japanese attitude, piano and a theremin player who masturbated on stage in fishnet stockings. and i fell in love again, we (the Monsters) played as well, it was great, but i never get much out of it, because i'm playing... but i remember we played a piece in slow motion (sounds as stupid as it is)

 We had to leave Saigon with a weeping eye and flew to Hoi An, Central Vietnam, We played again together with the Cavemen in a beach bar, because in Hoi An there are seldom or never concerts, they had problems to find a guitar and bass amp, the guitar amp was the size of a toaster, and with the bass amp they said it was the only one in Hoi An, we should pay attention and the Cavemen took it very seriously hahaha. in the middle of the show the guitarist came up with the great idea to do a somersault from the table down to the stage, in his imagination he would then land heroically on both feet and end up in the greatest guitar solo the world ever has seen, in reality he got stuck in a roof batten when he jumped off and a somersault turned into a New Zealand Meat bag that hit the floor and in between hit his backside of the head and the blood pulsating spurted out, the guitar head was broken off, luckily a doctor was there (someone who had read a book about a doctor) and everything turned out fine, after I fell in love with the hotel manager we went to Hanoi in the north of Vietnam at 5am, there it is much more communist, that means more bourgeois, you have to start haggling and so on.. we were too much overweight and they wanted a horrendous amount of money from us ... and we as honest and sincere Swiss were shocked and wanted to pay until Pete came and handed over 50Euros in his passport to the employee and everything was done with a friendly smile, Anyway I think I will never learn such a thing, I am too honest for me it is so embarrassing, I would like as well to be a little bit spoiled and and do bad things like all the others.

 In Hanoi we then played in the first "real" club... with PA, a Soundmann Stagehands light and drum carpet etc

We played with EYEHATEGOD from New Orleans (USA) who I thought was OK but didn't knock my socks off, was a bit cool and serious and the whole thing and somehow wasn't dangerous at all, they were super cool guys except the singer, I think he's famous or something (back in switzerland i googld them and yes the are famous and i even have a record in my collection) anyway. my favourite band was TIMEKILLER from Saigon which is like Zeni Geva but on speed punk... so fucking cool and terrable loud they dont even have songs its just stupid and loud.. something… then I fell in love (one sided) with the singer's girlfriend and couldn't think anymore, the evening ended with a booze party and with noodle soupe and 2h sleep until the next flight to Taiwan.

 Taipei is so Ultra Modern you won't believe it and you feel like a Swiss postcard mountain farmer, and the people Ultra Intelligent and also intellectually inspiring, ASA our Taiwan Manager, was beautiful as a picture and an organisational talent, photographer and main professional photo model, and multilingual of course. the Revolver Club was then also a regular club and as Taiwan is close to Japan, fans from Japan came to the show and we realised that we were back in civilisation. Records sign good backline, ATM's and Mexican food, unfortunately BB BOMB (taiwan girl punk band) had to cancel their concert because the singer got sick, but the whole band including the singer was present... maybe they were just too nervous you never know, but L-SCHEMA played, noise crusted punk of the local town with a drummer who hammers the beat with his lead foot in the fast lane, no sex and without any feeling, just go for it stupid punk as we love it, we finally arrived in the tour and gave our best concert so far I think, it was just dirty diarrhoea coming out of my mouth and it was a lot of fun, also for the Cavemen, whose guitarist played now on a Taiwanese cheap guitar played and gave everything and much more, the people were enthusiastic, I asked around about the situation with China and so, they said that they were all afraid of what zz going on in Hong Kong at the moment, because the origin of the whole problematic is in Taiwan, but they are mainly afraid of the Chinese spies who spy in Taiwan and no one can talk free from the liver.. everything is a little bit tense the whole thing I think and makes me worried, they are beautiful great people.

 Then we were allowed to sleep for 3 hours and off to the plane to Nagasaki in Japan, where we were warmly welcomed by a punk grandmother (Kaori, our Japanese tour manager) and a Japanese 30's swing cowboy who turned out to be a fan of the Monsters and in real life is a real estate agent, and I was happy to be in my beloved Japan.

 The Beta Club is small but nice, I forgot with which bands we played together, I was so tired from not sleeping and still had the Taiwanese tour manager in my head, but we went by bus in the early morning to Tokyo, my musicians told me this was the best trip of their lives, rice fields, remote villages, picture Beautiful landscapes women with strange Hats and Japanese folk music etc, I have unfortunately completely overslept the whole trip, do not even know if we flew again or not, a complet Black out.. sorry readers.

In Tokyo we were welcomed we gods and were allowed to play 2x in the Heavy Sick Club and our old friend Mr Dead at the cash desk gave us free drinks the whole night, the first evening my favourite Japanese One Man Band KATZGRAIS (Tokyo) played who is also a guitar builder and introduced his invention of the shovel guitar, after that he also played with his psychobilly band THE PSYCLOCKS , on the same evening we had PHANTOM TIKIRARZ a surf band with masks on the program after that i leaned towards the sake on ice and hot and MADPPETS entered the stage this is like Addams Family music but punk and sex, first i fell in love with their music then with the bass player and finally with the organ player and flirted it into the floor after the concert, on drums was Yuki Kono from the legendary THEEE BAT (Mika Bat †) but my complete favourite was HASIL NUTS from Tokyo with our tour manager Kaori on drums, the whole band can't play at all they are terrable great, Kaori (drums) is somehow hitting the drums without any concept, the guitarist is very concentrated and messes up everything and the other guitarist who would actually be the drummer is shrinking and just making pointless noises, the singer wears a net stocking full body dress and around his loins an apron made of nuts and sings 'king of the laod' the sound settles down, to a David Lynch movie but even weirder paired with The Legendary Stardust Cowboy, can you follow? that was awesome, we (the Monsters) played great and the people were almost freaking out, so did the Cavemen, the same evening THE FADAWAYS played they famous in Europe (soundflat records) and are super killer back from the Grave Garage Fuzz Punk.

 We invested our last money in food and useless Japan junk, on the return flight we had again huge problems checking in the guitar cases into the plane (SWISS) they were 7cm too big and they made a huge drama, they charge 300euro more per guitar and we almost went crazy, already completely blank and so on, then we fell asleep in the plane completely exhausted.

 My conclusion is that I had a huge after tour blues, not like normal, it was much bigger, and had to do with how the Vietnamese live together, talk and function, all doors open and treat everybody as equal, had reminded me of my time in the Squats i lived in and how much I miss it and how I hate to live in a society where people work against each other and not with each other.. i also know that what is here will also come there and i am so sorry for that i hope you learn to appreciate what you have and that not having more is more... yes less is more, but im a Dreamer and live in Utopia

 anyway i love you Vietnam i love you Taiwan and i love you japan and i hope to come back soon and i am very proud that my stupid music works there too, thanks

 Links

Guitara Kyo (Japan) https://youtu.be/LAFPnH5Blak

Urgent Matter (Singapur) https://youtu.be/xOp1qSr1A3w

Reign in Slumber (Cambodia) https://youtu.be/NEwjni4tXvY

District 105 (Saigon) https://youtu.be/npft6MHufqc

Timekiller (Saigon) https://youtu.be/bAAkwYqTN1o

Cut Lon (Hanoi) Picachu band https://youtu.be/lhOxr6v_Gvk

the Tewwzers (Tokyo) Teenegenerate, power pop https://youtu.be/zJbgHBpXXVo

the Carrison (malaysia) https://youtu.be/EXenEY8-Fu8

Total Control (Australia) https://youtu.be/RYrME08UPE0

the Cavemen (NZ) the Veteran Outlaw https://youtu.be/67dJ-E61AcY

Stompin' RiffRaffs (Tokyo) https://youtu.be/j4v2FjIxNLQ

BB Bomb (taiwan) https://youtu.be/SYXu7eSIjJg

L-Schema (Taiwan) https://youtu.be/bcNHGc7OAJM

Phantom tikirarz (japan) https://youtu.be/kBprrMnYuVk

Madppets (Japan) https://youtu.be/dvmlzZr-Kjk

The Psyclocks (Japan) https://youtu.be/znIWURke2zw

Katzgrais (Japan) https://youtu.be/QkSIShkPI8Y

Wasted Pido (italy) https://youtu.be/k5JuVA7RJn4

the Fadaways (Japan) https://youtu.be/yT62UfKbBlg

Hasil Nuts (Japan) https://youtu.be/-kOUHDJbcSo

Eyehategod ( usa) https://youtu.be/VepTkVmh-WA

King Khan & BBQ Show (CAN) https://youtu.be/LpA7I8SpkxQ

Reverend Beat-Man (CH) https://youtu.be/zUlCyhpovjE

the Monsters (CH) https://youtu.be/zs7CQBHyo3Y

 19.11 - Flug CH - Saigon

22.11 - Saigon - Indochine Junk Boat Cruise

23+24.11 - Saigon - Arcan (Vietnam)

26.11 - Hoi An - Soul Beach/Hon Bien (vietnam)

28.11 - Hanoi - Hanoi Rock City (vietnam)

29.11 - Taipei - Revolver (thaiwan)

30.11 - Nagasaki - Beta (japan)

1+2.12 - Tokyo - Heavy Sick Club (japan)

4.12 - Flug Tokyo-CH