#i miss getting home from school and actually being motivated to do stuff

[cs-eg]

the cycle ARJHRHRGEGRGHRHRHHRHRHRHHR

[hamofjustice]

nemona's sync pair story in pokemon masters ex can be viewed anytime as soon as you recruit her, and in just a couple minutes of dialogue we scarlet/violet story analyzers get some great subtext-made-text and new subtext:

confirmation of one instance of nemona working herself really hard for the sake of others and seeing anything less as a display of her own weakness and letting them down (even if the others are her pokemon in this case). it's something that i thought always seemed likely to be a theme with her if we knew more about her, with stuff like her mostly un-commented-on arm brace / compression glove and perfectly clean room nearly devoid of personality outside of her meticulous schedule and displays of her achievements, and what that implied about her relationship with her family, teachers, and idol

recontextualization of why she wears sporty athletic wear and runs around everywhere, even though she's a straight-A nerd who has to take a break every 50 feet when she initially takes you to school and is still winded enough to be worthy of comment from arven by the time you're running around in area zero

the fact that penny, the otaku shut-in, did not get called out like this means either she performed exactly as arven expected her to based on how she looked, or that nemona was doing the worst out of all of the group and might actually have some kind of chronic condition / disability like some fans theorize. nemona's stamina now being revealed to be a long standing insecurity of hers despite shrugging it off with a joke in area zero implies the latter to me

if she shrugged off a long standing insecurity with a joke, that could potentially say a lot about any other things she didn't want to make a big deal about that fans are a little suspicious of, like saying her parents were "hands-off in a good way" with her while her sister got all the attention, which i definitely think was an deflective understatement or simply not realizing there's a problem

and if her low stamina and "bad throwing" are in fact due to some kind of condition and mostly out of her control, that also makes her calling herself weak that much more tragically unfair to herself. someone hug this kid please

i trust these folks to write a compelling nemona if they were given the chance to, not just a fun and cute one. they get it.

her 15 minute storyline from her debut event is mostly just good fun with her meeting a bunch of people and almost winning a big tournament with her new friends hilda and bede. it also, however, touches upon how sad she is that people mostly get jealous of her rather than feel inspired by her (which she actually comes up with a motivational speech to try and combat this time, with hilda's help). it even has her tell blue and bede that florian/juliana back home is "a precious treasure" to her, which made me melt into boiling taffy.

now i'm looking forward to whatever else they come up with when nemona's more plot-driving friends arrive. despite how cheesy and hit-or-miss pokemon masters tends to be, they're treating scarlet/violet with respect so far. it's canon to me. i kinda need that right now when we're not sure what the friend trio are gonna get in the DLC of the actual game.

[k1nky-fool]

Truth of a Parallel

Part 3: The Thirteenth Widow

Masterlist

Miguel O’hara x OC: Elisa Hannen

Pairing: M/F

Per Chapter Rating: Explicit (for violence reasons. there is no sexual content in this chapter).

Warnings: MCD (major character death), death is treated very seriously in this chapter with lots of angst. But this chapter is almost exclusively hurt/comfort.

Taglist: @gatnalien @sevikasstressball @musicmansauxcord @2downbad4dilfs @its-paprika

Gif by @prettyoatmeal

-Elisa-

To his credit, Eddie didn’t immediately freak out. His flurry of questions was held back in a much more clear minded move, but the longer he took to formulate a response, the more Elisa felt she was intruding on someone’s peace that she rightfully shouldn’t even know anymore.

“Nevermind, this was a bad idea.” Venom decided.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here. I’ll leave.” Elisa began to turn around.

“No! I-” Eddie struggled. “I’m happy to see both of you.”

That made both her and Venom perk up. “I have a hard time believing that.”

“Come on in.” He invites her away from the window. “I suggest utilizing the door next time.”

“I don't have any other clothes.” She pointed out, and he just grabbed her a hoodie and pair of sweatpants for her.

“Something has to be wrong, he has no reason to think we’re not here to kill him.” Venom panicked, but Elisa was more motivated to distract herself from everything going on outside.

Once she was comfortably situated in his clothes, on his couch with a cold beer, offered out of the kindness of Eddie’s own heart, Elisa waited patiently as Eddie finished whatever he’d been doing before she showed up. He eventually sat down beside her, being remarkably less awkward than she anticipated.

“I feel like I have the right to know why you came here of all places.” Eddie prompted. “Not to sound like a dick, but aren’t you still dating that MJ girl?”

“No, she broke up with me sometime last spring. Apparently there's a limit to how many times your fiancée can stumble into your apartment needing extreme medical attention and begging not to go to a hospital.” Elisa said.

Eddie actually laughed. “I must have missed that class in school.”

“You missed every class but sex-ed.” Elisa pointed out.

“Not nearly as many titties as I was led to believe by a certain friend at the girls academy down the block.”

Elisa gasped in offense. “I must have just had a better education than you.”

“Yeah, I’ll say. Still, you don’t know how to answer a question.” He jabbed back at her. “Why come here of all places?”

“Why does he have the right? You didn’t have the right to your questions when he was being a prick-”

She forced herself to take a deep breath, which Venom clearly wasn’t on board with and it made her slightly nauseous. “I’m overwhelmed. I figured if I had nowhere to go, I might as well settle on the worst.”

“That bad, huh?”

“What?”

Eddie snickered. “It had to get that bad before you thought of coming to me? You’re many things, but you don’t run from your problems.”

Elisa slumped back into the corner of the couch. “Yeah, I’ve got a track record.”

“Why can’t you go home?” He asked. “You got another heart to break waiting for you there?”

“I really wish that wasn’t as accurate as it is, but I’m not dating him.” She let herself accept the defeat all while still defending herself from something that wasn’t even attacking. “His name is Miguel. He’s a Spider-Man from a different universe, and he’s here to catch something that landed here that shouldn’t be.”

He just nodded, knowing that weird stuff like this was pretty typical for her ever since she became Spider-Woman and even more so after she became Widow. “Just out of curiosity, is he hot?”

“I’m working with him, I’m not oggleing this poor man that probably doesn’t even want to be in this miserable universe.” She defended, but Eddie just stared at her as she was having trouble meeting his eye line. “... He’s not… unattractive.”

“Uh-huh.” He smirked to himself in his victory.

Elisa was exposed, but she didn’t mind. Eddie wasn’t the same as he was back in high school and neither was Elisa. But somewhere inside both of them lived two weird kids that were still friends after everything. And Eddie still bought the same trashy brand of beer that was the only brand at the mini-mart that wouldn’t ID them.

“I feel like I’ve earned at least one question.” She suggested, and Eddie made an accepting gesture. “Why’d you let me in?”

“You snuck in.”

“Prick.”

“You know what I mean.”

Eddie laughed, but relented. “I didn’t like how we left things.” He admitted. “I’ve seen the amount you swing to MJ’s apartment, so if you’re not dating her, then you’re at least still friends. I thought there was a chance we could be friends again.”

That made sense, some part of Elisa felt the same. Eddie had betrayed her, and he pretty much ruined her lives as both Elisa Hannen, and Spider-Woman, forcing her to become Widow. And yet, when she was overwhelmed, she needed to find comfort. Whether she liked it or not, Eddie was that comfort. “Were you going to reach out at all?”

“I’ve started to call you about five or six times, but I’ve chickened out every single time.” Eddie admitted.

“What’d you want to say?” She asked.

He choked on his own breath for a little before just retrying with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know. I really just wanted to know if there was a chance you’d let me try again.”

Elisa felt her heart sink, and Venom did too.

“He could start with a damn apology for once.” Venom hissed into her head.

I want to hear him out.

“Why the fu-”

“Eddie, you used me as a popularity stunt.” Elisa challenged. “Not just my name as a researcher at Oscorp, but also my persona as Spider-Woman.”

“I know.” He accepts. “And it’s no thanks to me that you managed to get on your feet after I published the hit-piece. I did it wrong back then, so I wanna make it right now.”

“You can’t make it right.” Elisa scoffed. “It’s already been done, and it was wrong to do it.”

“I-I know. I-”

“I fixed it without you. There’s nothing left to make right.” She explained to him. “So maybe just do it right next time.”

Eddie perked up. “Next time?”

“Absolutely not!”

Elisa nodded. “It’ll take a little more to get Venom on your side, though.”

“A little? This man better start groveling, or whatever humans do when they don't want to be eaten!” It snapped, still refusing to come out and talk to Eddie, itself.

Eddie agreed without question. “I understand. And I get that it won’t be the same, but I’m willing to be a better friend this time.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Eddie.” She challenged, and he just kept smiling like an idiot. It was getting late, and Elisa couldn’t realistically stay the night at her ex-boyfriend’s house. “I should get going.”

Venom showed its eagerness to leave with how fast it materialized the suit over her skin and over her face. Elisa took the mask off her face and Venom soaked it back up while grumbling in annoyance in her mind.

“I’ll see you around.” Elisa took off his hoodie and sweatpants, giving him a friendly hug.

“Take it easy, Widow.” Eddie watched as she made her exit out the living room window.

“You made me hug him.”

“You’ll survive, Venom.”

“You going to face Miguel?”

Elisa knew she didn’t have another option, but she really had to know if they had been successful in tracking down Clara from 5302. She got back to her apartment and quickly got dressed, knowing Miguel was likely to show up now that her location was known.

She didn’t expect him to actually knock on the window when she sensed him land outside, but immediately, something was odd. The landing was far too quiet to be Miguel. Instead, Elisa cautiously approached her window to see who was there.

Olivia Weaver, Widow 5302, lifted a shy hand to wave at her. Despite how odd it was, Elisa opened her window and let her in. Olivia was about her height, but with a slimmer build. Her long, blonde hair was tied up on the crown of her head, being pulled through her mask to avoid a misshapen head under the mask. She took off her mask and her eyes were the same shimmering green that Elisa’s had been before Venom had bonded with her.

“Let me guess, Eddie?” She deduced. “He was a host of Venom in my universe too, and still your friend. Oddly enough, you still have Venom currently in my universe.” Olivia explained. “We knew it’d be wild when we found Elisa wearing the Widow mask.”

“You and the other twelve Widows?” Elisa asked.

“Yeah, all of us.” Olivia confirmed. “In every Widow universe, you were always just different. It’s why Venom always finds you. We were too busy wondering who would be hosting Venom if you were Spider-Woman that we never stopped to consider that maybe, Venom wouldn’t find another host.”

“Yeah well, I’ve got-”

“A track record.” Olivia interrupted, relishing in the awkward look on Elisa’s face after being easily predicted. “That’s the same line you said to me in my universe after I said Venom was only using you. Of course, not really you, but the look on your face suggests you want to throw a taxi at my face in this universe too, so maybe it’s a parallel trait.”

“Is being a know-it-all, priss a parallel trait for you?” Elisa snapped. “Miguel too shy to ask for my help, or are you here to tell me I’m not welcome in your Spider Society?”

Olivia threw something at her head at a surprising speed, but Venom moved her arm fast enough to catch it. It was a watch.

“Can you blame him? You’re intimidating.” Olivia joked.

“Wait, I thought none of them trusted Venom?” Elisa recalled quite easily, while Venom was just excited at the thought of going a second round with the Spider Society.

“Venom means a lot of things in the multiverse.” Olivia explained, “Meeting or bonding with Venom is a Canon Event. It’s just a Canon Event that is over for most of them. Peni lost her friend to the Ven#m mech. The Peter that noticed you really hurt his MJ while he was hosting Venom. Peter Porker faced a Symbiote in his universe called Pork Grind. Miguel nearly died fighting Venom in his universe. And don’t even get me started on the Venom Anomalies.”

That definitely sounded right for the reaction she got. “What about you and the other Widows? I even have the same face.”

Olivia took a deep breath. “Venom was originally drawn to my powers when it crashed. Venom and I ended up killing Oscar in my universe. That wasn’t the kind of hero I wanted to be. But it found Eddie, and he stayed hidden for a while, but when he published the Oscorp Expose, Venom took your side. And you were much more of a threat than Eddie was. You and Venom just have a different kind of bond than the other spiders do.”

“What does she mean ‘the Canon Event is over for the other spiders?’” Venom bristled.

That made her heart drop. “Olivia, is splitting from Venom a Canon Event?”

That was the question Olivia was avoiding.

It was obvious as soon as she asked it. Olivia took a moment to find the words. "It happens differently for everyone."

"Wait, we're gonna break up?" Venom panicked.

"We're not gonna break up, Venom." Elisa groaned, and focused again on Olivia. "Look, if everyone agrees that a Spider splitting from Venom is a Canon Event, then suddenly everyone I talk to is waiting for what would have to be the worst day of my life."

"Everyone's waiting for the next horrible thing to happen to you." Olivia pointed out, but when Elisa gave no sign of understanding her, she continued. "Is Oscar still alive in this universe?"

"He was locked up yesterday, I think." Elisa didn't understand what she was getting at.

"What about Dr. Claudia Connors?"

Elisa freezes. Claudia Connors worked alongside Nora Osborn in biochemistry, and her attempt at developing a method for regrowing limbs could have benefitted all amputees not unlike herself. Her serum went wrong and she became The Lizard. It was Claudia that introduced Elisa to Oscorp at all because she was the only scientist that truly enjoyed the publicity of it all. Claudia led the field trip her class had gone on.

Elisa made a cure for her, but while it worked on everyone she had turned, Claudia had been dosing herself too high, and the cure only sped up the rate it was killing her. Elisa didn't go to her Junior Prom, she attended Dr. Claudia Connor's memorial service.

"Yeah." Olivia knew the look on Elisa's face. "She's still alive in my universe. She went to your graduation party."

"Why would you tell me that?" Elisa asked.

"Because everyone just lives with it." She answered delicately. “If everyone is waiting for you and Venom to split, then they’re also waiting for me to lose Dr. Connors. For some others, we’re waiting for the Police Captain, Nora Osborn, Flint Marco. Everyone’s on a different timeline, Elisa. And after the worst of it is done, we have a support system made up of the only people in the multiverse that’ll understand.”

Elisa took a long look at the watch. “What about everyone that was ready to attack me? I doubt they’re welcoming me back with open arms.”

“They’re free to avoid you if they want, but if you guys want to sing kumbaya, then that’s up to you.” Olivia shrugged and opened the portal back to the headquarters. “But I know at least one guy that wants to try again.”

“That sounds promising.” Venom teased.

Shut up. Elisa stepped into the portal.

On the other side of the void, several spiders just stared. Some ignored her and continued on their way, and to her surprise, some even gave a polite wave. It was dark outside now, and the lights in the building were kind to her senses.

Olivia brought her back to Miguel’s platform where it had been lowered. His back faced Elisa where she noticed something interesting.

Miguel doesn’t have heightened awareness.

Venom recoiled. “Then how the hell did he pull one over on us?”

“Miguel!” Olivia called out so she wouldn’t startle him.

When he turned around, he seemed surprised to see Elisa. “You actually came back.” He noted.

“I told you.” Olivia reminded him. “Elisa was always an odd-girl-out.”

As much as Elisa wanted to pretend like Olivia didn’t know her at all, there was an obvious sense of familiarity that they had. Elisa remembered that she was in the hospital for 300 rads of acute radiation poisoning for a brief time after she was bitten by the spider. The science class that went on the trip had all made her cards, and Olivia hanged back while some more familiar faces visited her in the hospital with the class. MJ, Eddie and Holly all came to visit, but Olivia was kind enough to visit her personally, give her all the assignments she had missed, and went over her notes when Elisa didn’t understand. Elisa could only hope that her alternate self was kind enough to do the same for Olivia.

“I’m glad you came back.” Miguel said to her.

Elisa hopped up onto the platform with him. “I’m not gonna start running from my problems now.” She said, “What’s your status on the tracking device?”

Miguel’s expression didn’t give her much hope. "We may have underestimated her advancement."

“Uh-oh.”

"No chance that means we can track her tech?" Elisa hoped.

Miguel confirmed the difficult reality. “We realized she wants 4167 Carnage to find Clara.”

“Yeah, I talked to Clara Kassidy down at the station. She didn’t know who reported it, but she was able to figure out it wasn’t me. At least the two of them haven’t met yet.” Elisa supplied.

“Do my ears deceive me, or is she back?”

Olivia lit up like she was expecting this. “How nice of you to join, Peter.”

Peter swung up to meet them and glared at Elisa. “So what is she doing back, and with a watch, no less?”

“Not this wash-up again.” Venom groaned to her.

“Peter, we don’t have time for this.” Miguel argued.

“Miguel, she’s an OUCH waiting to happen!” Peter didn’t let up.

“Mind telling me what the hell an “ouch” is?” Elisa asked.

Olivia was kind enough to explain while Miguel pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering in Spanish under his breath, letting her explain. “An OUCH is an acronym for an Out of Universe Canon Hazard. It’s when either an Environmental Trigger travels across a universe and sets off a Canon Event for a spider that isn’t in their own universe in Type 1, or a spider in another universe stumbles across the right Environmental Triggers outside of their own universe in Type 2.”

Venom took offense, yet again. “Everyone is so certain we’re gonna break up.”

Elisa was just about done with this argument. “Peter, I turned you and all your spider friends into a joke because of Venom. Right now you vs. Venom is tallied up at zero to one. I’d say we’re doing fine.”

“And I’ll get your ass again!” Venom cheered to itself.

“We all loved the power the black suit gave us, but we know the cost of it is too much to justify wearing it.” Peter reminded everyone else. “The Canon says that the Spider and Venom will split. And I might not even be worried about any other Event, but if it’s triggered here or anywhere other than your universe, then we have a rogue symbiote on the loose, outside its universe.”

“It’s not his business!”

“Then we burn that bridge when we get to it!” Elisa hissed, only to be held back by Miguel.

“Elisa, stand down.” He said. “Peter, whether we like it or not, she’s bonded with Venom. Many spiders had to reach a truce with Venom to beat Carnage anyway. This might be the only way she survives this.”

Peter wasn’t happy, but at the very least, he understood Miguel’s point. He gave a warning pointer finger in return. “I’m keeping an eye on her.”

“Try it.”

“Miguel couldn’t keep a tail on me for longer than a minute, but whatever helps you sleep at night, Cryptkeeper.” Elisa jabbed, and Olivia nudged her like that was something she shouldn’t have said to their principal, but it made both of them laugh.

“Híjole chicas, we need to figure out our next move, not pick little cat fights with each other.” Miguel chastised. “Now, we can’t find her, we can’t track her, and we’re fresh out of ideas.”

“Well, I don’t usually have tracking technology in my universe, so I say we do this the old fashioned way.” Elisa suggested and Olivia let out a long sigh, likely just tired that this couldn’t be solved by the magical mechanisms from Miguel’s universe.

“Oh, but two Widows investigating a parallel identity in each other’s universes, that’s not an OUCH waiting to happen either?” Peter just gave up on trying to argue this.

“I’ll keep an eye on them.” Miguel assured him, but Peter didn’t look very impressed as Elisa opened the portal to Earth-5302.

The portal came out on a roof near the Oscorp building. “Umm, fair warning Elisa, you might want to keep your mask on for this.” Olivia warned as she brought them to one of the many balconies of the building. Elisa was worried since she recognized this as the balcony to Nora’s Office, but as soon as they entered the building, she realized exactly what Olivia meant.

“Dr. Connors? We need your help on something.” Olivia greeted with joy like this was common.

Claudia smiled, welcoming Widow warmly. Her coat was neatly safety pinned up by her bicep to keep the residual limb safe while she worked in the laboratory. Elisa was left amazed at her face. 5302 Claudia was forty-seven. Her age was showing in a way that only reminded Elisa that she had failed eight years ago. “Who’s this with you?”

“Clara Kassidy found a way to travel across universes. This is the Widow from the universe that Clara invaded, and this is the Spider-Man that knows how to make sense of that tech.” Olivia explained. “We know she was working on her research here, and Oscorp still has copies of those records. We need to see what Clara was working on before she was arrested.”

Claudia took a long look at Elisa, and even Venom could feel her anxiety rising. When she finally took her eyes off her, Elisa was relieved that she’d moved on to observing Miguel. Claudia just nodded. “Alright, I can take you to her lab and unlock it for you, but that’s as far as I go.” She warned.

“That’s all we need.” Olivia thanked her and walked beside her as they led the way to the laboratory.

Miguel stayed back with Elisa, and he was as observant as ever. “Are you alright?” He asked.

“I’ll survive.” She dismissed. Claudia looked back at them for a brief moment, and Elisa tensed and averted her eyes.

“Maybe Peter was right.” Miguel wondered.

“Shut the hell up.” Elisa warned.

Most of the laboratories were sealed off in their own rooms to avoid contamination, and it was easy to plan a route that wouldn’t leave them exposed to any of the ones that had any glass on the walls. It allowed them to just duck under the view of any of the labs that had windows to the hall.

“This is it.” Claudia announced, opening the door with her own key. She stayed by the door as all three of them passed. The police were done here and now the records were organized in the office for anyone that needed to reference her work, with Nora and Claudia’s supervision. Elisa stayed in the back as she began looking around the laboratory. It had been mostly picked clean by the authorities, but the equipment was definitely more advanced than Miguel expected just based on the expression his mask held. Elisa found Kassidy’s desk to figure out if there was anything that suggested a plan, while Olivia and Miguel were assessing the equipment and theorizing ways to locate Clara or perhaps find other evidence of her escape.

There wasn’t much left on the desk, but there was a photo of Clara Kassidy several years ago, celebrating with Nora Osborn and Claudia in front of a chalkboard covered in mathematical work. “That was the day she mathematically proved AdS/CFT correspondence.” Claudia supplied. “Everyone was quite excited, understandably.”

Elisa put down the frame and continued searching without saying a word. She opened a few drawers and pulled out some manilla folders and opened them to see plenty of research papers on a device she called The Seeker. This looked somewhat important, and Venom was also lost on how to scan something and archive it for later use. Elisa poked at her watch for a moment and found a Call Lyla button, and she reluctantly pushed it.

Her tiny, hologram form appeared in front of the watch. “What’s up?”

“Hi, Lyla. Is there a way I can scan this for archiving?” Elisa asked, and Lyla was happy to show her how to use the scanner on her own.

Claudia watched in amazement, but kept giving useful context to Elisa. “That was a paper she wrote on quantum gaps forming between multiversal planes.”

Elisa knew just enough about Oscorp’s quantum physics experiments to understand what Claudia was saying, and what it meant. There were gaps between multiversal planes, and Clara had developed a machine that could seek them out, allowing her to travel through the gaps that already existed.

“It’s interesting to see her theory proven correct right in front of me.” Claudia mused. “I’m glad there’s a universe out there that has Elisa Hannen protecting it.” Elisa flinched and turned to Claudia. “That finally got you to look at me.”

Elisa didn’t know what to say, so she just gave up, signaling Venom to drop the mask. “How did you know?”

“I know the voice of my lab assistant that I see every day.” Claudia laughed, but it was bittersweet. “Something tells me that your universe wasn’t very kind to your version of me.” She said, noting the scar on Elisa’s cheek that she had no way of knowing came from a parallel version of Claudia herself.

“You died eight years ago.” Elisa confessed. “It was an accident that I couldn’t save you from.”

Claudia smiled sadly and Elisa struggled to stop herself from becoming a scared high schooler that never got to say goodbye to her mentor. “My version of you is still my lab assistant in this universe. She’s good friends with Holly Osborn, and she’s a talented chemist.”

“Nora kept me in that position when she hired Oscar. I was still in high school at the time, so I couldn’t take your spot.” Elisa explained. “I was seventeen when you died. And only a year later, Oscar was exposed.”

“Then it seems like your universe hasn’t been kind to you either.” Claudia figured. Olivia said that the Physk hit-piece had happened in this universe, which meant that 5302 Elisa had her trusted mentor to fall back on in this universe.

“You’re so much like my Claudia.” Elisa noted, really attempting to convince herself that this didn’t mean she was talking to a ghost of her friend.

“Elisa, I know I’m not her.” She offered. “But I also know that you aren’t my Elisa. So, just let me as I am, speak to you as you are.”

Elisa let Claudia take her hands in her one left hand. “If your universe has treated you anything like I think, then I hope you know that you’re doing good. The fact that you’re here means you’ve kept going after everything, and if you’re anything like my Elisa, then I know you’re the right person for the job.”

She couldn’t hold back anymore, she just hugged Claudia like she would have if she could have said goodbye. “If you’re anything like my Claudia, then I want you to know that, even after everything, you never stopped being my hero.”

Claudia hugged back just like how Elisa remembered. “Then keep being a hero over there for both of us.”

When they finally let go, Claudia just smiled, letting her get back to scanning documents.

“Just out of curiosity-”

“No, Claudia.” Elisa warned, knowing she was just wondering what had actually managed to take her out in a parallel universe. She was always quite the eccentric personality.

“Alright, fair enough.” She accepted.

“Do you know who your Widow is?” Elisa asked.

“Ms. Weaver told me her identity months ago when she was originally investigating Dr- Ms. Kassidy.” Claudia said. “But I can’t figure out who the triangle man is. I know that’s not Eddie.” She suggested, nudging Elisa’s shoulder with her stump in an old joke. She definitely noticed something suggestive between the two of them.

“N-No, he's Spider-Man from a universe that’s ninety-seven years ahead of us with a wildly different history.” Elisa explained. “He brought together hundreds of spider people to investigate and apprehend malicious universe travelers.”

“Hmm…” Claudia mused. “Then you probably know more than me how troublesome that could be.”

That caught Elisa off guard. “Troublesome?”

Claudia was surprised she had to explain, but it seemed that she was somewhat aware of the theory of Clara’s work. “All of these spider people would be parallel identities in some aspects. I just hope you know that affecting other realities, especially your own parallel identities, might be dangerous for the integrity of that reality’s durability.” Claudia warned, and Elisa was somewhat worried now, thinking of Miguel.

She really did like Miguel, but Claudia was right. Interfering with Miguel’s reality or getting too attached to him and neglecting events that are supposed to happen in hers could be detrimental to the Canon. After all, Canon Events included events like meeting partners like Eddie and MJ, or making friends like Holly or Claudia. If Elisa got too caught up with Miguel, then her own reality could suffer for it. She didn’t need Miguel or Peter to tell her that the Canon was the very fabric of reality that they all existed on. Ignoring or trying to change it could have disastrous effects.

“I’m not dumb enough to start letting romance get in my way.” Elisa assured her.

“Well, you’ve got a track record.” Claudia laughed, and Elisa was once again surprised that she was actually happy to hear those words come from Claudia at least one more time.

Miguel and Olivia came back, happy with their own scans. “We got what we needed, we think we might know where to find her equipment.” Miguel said as Elisa’s mask crept back up her face.

“Good. I got all her research data for reference later.” Elisa offered.

“Alright, we have a trail!” Olivia clapped in excitement. “Thank you, Dr. Connors.”

“My pleasure.” She said, guiding them to the nearest balcony. “And good luck to all of you. We’re lucky to have people like you to keep us safe.”

They bid her goodbye and continued on to find where Clara had set up her equipment after breaking out of prison. Miguel kept pace with Elisa once again. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Elisa answered. “I just needed to talk to her.”

Miguel didn’t press, likely understanding exactly what just happened. Elisa would just have to move on with the fact that she would never live in a reality where she could truly tell Claudia Connors just how important she was to her. But getting to hear her mentor tell her that she was the right person to protect her own reality was healing. And Elisa got to make sure that in this universe, Claudia Connors would die knowing that she was never seen as a villain to people that loved her.

“That’s good, then.” Miguel said.

The group came to a subway station, and found their way to a maintenance tunnel. The fence in front of them had a locked gate and Elisa grabbed the lock, allowing Venom to poke and prod within it to get it open without much effort.

“Gracias, Venom.” Miguel acknowledged.

Venom bubbled in excitement in Elisa. “I like him too.”

She just laughed and continued down the tunnel with the two of them. Olivia led the way, looking closely at the ground and walls to make sure she wasn’t missing anything. She likely realized at the same time Elisa and Venom did that this tunnel was essentially a choke point.

You know anything about Carnage as a member of your species?

“Carnage is a red rank member of my species.” Venom explained. “Black rank symbiotes, like me, are sent as scouts to worlds that are meant for hunting grounds, as you know. If we do not contact the base, then the planet is not viable for hunting. Red rank symbiotes are physiologically different from my rank. They have the ability to cannibalize equal and lower ranked symbiotes.”

So, did you contact the base when you arrived on my planet?

“I never got the chance to. But I don’t think 5302 Venom did either if it found you.”

“This looks like it.” Olivia announced, finding a lightswitch that did not light up the whole underground lab, but was sufficient enough to find what Clara was doing.

Only one wall was lit up by the lamp beside it. The brick was patterned with all kinds of calculations for the tech she had used to travel. There were tables that were filled with gadgets and papers, only vaguely lit up by a couple of lamps in the cylindrical, brick dome.

Elisa found a reason to be next to Miguel again. “Venom says Carnage’s rank of symbiote is known for cannibalizing equal and lower rank symbiotes. Is it possible 5302 Clara and Carnage want to destroy my Carnage?”

“It’s not impossible, but if they’re trying to kill Canon, then they’re much more dangerous than we anticipated.” Miguel noted.

“Hey, guys?” Olivia called out. They both looked across the circle to see what she was worried about. It was a very interesting contraption, being a collapsible cylinder with a lens that someone could see through. The cylinder itself was bulky, nearly the size of Miguel’s arm, and it looked at least nearly complete.

Miguel’s watch gave him a silent, buzzing alarm that he looked down at, and Elisa froze where she was.

“Something’s wrong.” Venom cautioned.

Elisa kept watching Miguel, and he dropped his wrist and put himself between Olivia and Elisa. He looked back at Elisa, but she couldn’t tell what his mask’s expression meant. His gaze turned back to Olivia, and he began to back up with Elisa, toward the exit.

“We have to get out of here.” Venom warned again.

Elisa’s own senses sent a chill down her spine and she could only do as Miguel said.

We aren’t alone in here.

Olivia had also just felt the presence that could have only been lurking above them the whole time, obscured by the shadow that lay out of reach of the weak lights.

A towering woman dropped from the ceiling, facing Olivia. Her skin was stretched with the red muscle that Carnage enhanced, and Clara wasn’t holding it back at all. It was a full symbiote takeover, and Olivia was right in front of the most dangerous enemy any Widow would ever face.

Elisa began to charge in, but Miguel stopped her. “Stand down, it’s a Canon Event now.” He grabbed her, opening a portal to leave, and leaving a drone to allow them to observe and help when the Event was done.

She followed Miguel through the portal, and they immediately opened the footage the drone was gathering.

Olivia barely dodged Carnage’s claws, but Elisa knew Olivia was smart. If any of her old classmates were clever enough to outsmart Carnage, it was Olivia.

Widow launched herself up to the ceiling, and in a moment, she proved Elisa’s assessment of her right. Olivia used herself as bait, correctly realizing that the ceiling of the brick cylinder likely came out above ground. When Carnage lunged at her, Olivia webbed the ceiling and dropped, using Carnage’s force, and her strength to kick Carnage through the brick ceiling, getting them out of the tunnel.

That was a good move, Olivia can catch it off guard out there.

“There’s no way.”

Shut up, she’ll do it.

Several more spider people ran into Miguel’s observatory to see what was happening. But when Elisa looked back to them, she realized that every Widow had heard that this Canon Event was happening for another Widow, and they all came to just hope that Olivia would be the one to tell them how to survive it.

Olivia kept running from Carnage, but it was easy to notice that she wasn’t trying to escape. She could have easily lost a tail, even if it were Carnage and Clara, but Widow’s were never known for being cowards. All of them have been knocked down no less than any other spider, but no spider, especially not Widows that had all found solidarity in their shared place in the multiverse. No, Olivia was leading Carnage somewhere.

Oh shit, I know this street.

“She’s calling on Venom for backup.” A Widow noticed. Elisa recognized her as Beatrice Jacobs.

The other Widows chattered anxiously amongst themselves, all while Elisa’s heart was beating a mile a minute, and she couldn’t tear her eyes off the screen.

She thinks I have a better chance of beating Carnage. Elisa didn’t want to think that. Olivia was one of the best. Elisa felt utterly hopeless. If Olivia thought Elisa was stronger or smarter than her, then they were all damned.

Olivia waited by a window and dodged just as Carnage’s claws grabbed at her, sending her hand plunging through the glass, and catching the attention of whoever was in the apartment. Carnage realized what had happened, and it grinned with a mouth full of sharp teeth.

The oily, black muscle completely overtook 5302 Elisa’s form. And her friend, Venom, was enraged. Surprisingly, both Venom and Olivia were able to catch Carnage off guard for a moment, and sent it flying into the ground.

Venom wasted no time going after it to kick it while it was down. Unfortunately, Carnage did not stay down for very long. It caught Venom’s neck in its claws and squeezed. Venom screamed out and Elisa had to look away, unaware that her own Venom had put her hand over her neck in an absent-minded move of protection.

Her eyes remained at the floor until the screaming stopped. Olivia had webbed Carnage’s mouth shut, and kicked it in the throat, successfully forcing it to release Venom. However Elisa knew that if Carnage was cannibalistic, even one injury from it would completely wipe out Venom and Elisa for days. Olivia kept moving fast, using her flexibility to weave the webs in a way that restrained Carnage while remaining unpredictable.

Olivia’s odds were getting better, until it all dropped at once along with the hearts of every Widow watching.

Carnage broke through the webbing. When the drone finally caught a glimpse of the outcome, every Widow braced for the worst. Olivia had been caught, and she wasn’t moving. When Carnage released it’s claws from around her neck, she just dropped. The Widows all froze in complete terror.

Clara Kassidy and Carnage had claimed the life of another Widow.

Elisa’s breathing was becoming more and more uncontrollable, and Venom was in complete disarray. It was like they were new to bonding all over again, both of them losing control of the symbiosis they balanced every day. The room began to spin and Elisa lost balance.

She could tell someone was trying to get her attention, but she brushed off their hands and just started walking away. She had to get her and Venom back together, but her heartbeat and lungs were overwhelmed without her permission, and all of her nerves went cold, even as her exhausted muscles continued pushing her forward as she sprinted, and she didn’t know where she would end up, but if it was away from her own skin, it would be far enough.

Whoever had been trying to get her attention followed her, and when they made another attempt to stop her and calm her down, Elisa jumped back away from who she eventually processed as Miguel, and they had managed to walk right out the front door, and were now in the courtyard in front of the building, beneath the city lights of Nueva York.

“Relàjate. Yo tambien estoy asustado, Elisa.” His voice was soft, not annoyed or tired, just delicate with her and desperate for her to listen like he had no idea how to speak to her. This time, when he told her, she did as he said, calming down as Miguel set her steady by holding her shoulders. Her breathing was still erratic, but it was manageable now, and her heart still rushed, but it wasn’t painful anymore.

“Miguel…” Elisa’s voice shook. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Elisa, please just-” He was losing her, and her heart rate began to pick up again as Venom was unsettled again.

“She was smart and strong, and if she’s gone, then I’m next, and I can’t-” Miguel just cut her off by pulling her close and falling to the ground with her. She was finally pulled from her panic as she realized Miguel was shaking too.

"Relàjate. Yo tambien estoy asustado, Elisa." He told her again, but Elisa finally realized what he was saying to her.

"Relax. I'm scared too, Elisa."

Elisa just let herself cry out there with him. Both she and Venom hated crying in front of another person, but it was far beyond either of their control by now. Not only was she terrified for her own survival, but Olivia was someone she had only just begun to know, and her life was now just gone.

"Taken from her." Venom spat from within.

They stayed like that for a moment. It was quieter than she expected. The sounds of a busy city were far off in the distance and low beneath the ground. Elisa and Venom slowly became in tune again, able to use Miguel's comfort as an anchor to reality.

Miguel eventually, reluctantly, opened his arms as Elisa released him.

"We should go check on the Widows." Elisa suggested. Miguel silently nodded and let her help him up and lead him back to the observatory.

The Widows hadn't dispersed. They all stood in a circle surrounding one Widow. Elisa had read that the first Widow to be found by the Spider Society had been Maxine Catch, but she had died in the first Carnage attack. Kat Marco was the second, and it seems to have been her duty to activate the portal to retrieve Olivia's watch so it didn't go unaccounted for. They all turned to Elisa, maskless, holding varying expressions of concern, sadness, or terror.

An overwhelming reality was coming over the room as everyone knew what this meant.

"We're next."

[slytherwrites]

"hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone // engage with the pain as a motive"

Title is from "Achilles Come Down" by Gang of Youths

Info: Theo Putnam & Trans!Reader, to pronouns for reader other than you, pre/during season one, before Theo comes out to his friends, the reader is critical of religion in their narration so if that's a trigger, skip this please!

Note: For the first part of this fic, the reader uses they/them pronouns for Theo, not certain what pronouns they'd prefer.

Summary: You couldn't give two fucks about the shitty kids at Baxter High, but you can tell that you being out is giving someone more confidence in themselves. And that's why you deal with these shitheads.

Upstate New York wasn't what you imagined with your parents said that your dad was moving to New York for work. You could be forgiven if you thought that you'd be in the Big Apple, where people with some actually decent worldviews and basic fucking respect existed.

But, you couldn't have been that lucky, could you? Because the small town of Greendale needed a new doctor and your father could open up his own private practice with a whole town of new customers.

Honestly, how this town had a prominent mortuary, but not a doctor freaked you out, but you wouldn't say anything about it, because who knows what those Spellmans are up to.

But, you settled in decently. Classes weren't difficult and getting around was easy, with everything practically being within either walking or biking distance—something you'd taken up getting around your old town, as public transit was abysmal and here it's nonexistent.

Assholes were assholes and cliques were formed, but not like stereotypical high school television would proclaim. There wasn't a bitchy female at the top, ruling everything. Everything seemed to span from the ire of the misogynistic, football team and their backwards, Judeo-Christian values.

Honestly, you couldn't understand it. The fucking egos on these guys were astounding, truly.

But, you noticed something in between the constant jabs and minor pushing around from the guys bigger than you. That the kid from your English class with the curly hair kept staring at you.

You didn't think it was malicious, but it was persistent. They sat a bit behind you, next to two girls: one of which was the preacher's daughter and the other came from the mortuary family you were going to stay away from.

But, they looked harmless. Curious, in fact. Like they'd never seen someone like you, like them. Like they'd never seen someone who's undeniably trans.

You weren't certain they were trans, but if gaydar was a real thing, yours would be on full alert.

And so, when you were able to catch them staring all by their lonesome, you slipped away from the meatheads and their closemindedness towards them.

"Hey, you're in my English class, aren't you?" You appear in front of them in a blink of an eye, "With Ms. Wardwell, right?"

"Oh, uh... yeah. I am." They stammer, "You find it alright."

"It's not that difficult. Similar stuff I was doing at my old school."

"Where are you from?"

You tell them, trying to hide the disgust of this place and the fact that you really miss home.

"I can't for the life of me remember your name and I'm so sorry about that! Can you tell me?" Even if your reasoning was different, you truly couldn't remember their name, as Ms. Wardwell tends to take silent attendance.

They sigh, "Susie. Susie Putnam."

"You sure about that?" They choke on the air caught in their throat and you continue, "I mean, Y/N wasn't always my name. My parents helped it get it changed. So... are you sure that's your name."

"I don't know what I want to change it to." They admit, "but Susie hurts to hear."

"I get it." You put a hand on their shoulder, "Sometimes you gotta grin and bare it, but hey, when you pick one out, tell me."

"You get it?" They said, "You understand what I'm going through?"

"Oh yeah." You offer a laugh to break the tension, "These people are assholes, but your friends seem to be decent enough. And if they fucking suck like these dickheads, then you can hang with me, alright."

"And if my friends don't suck?" They ask, "Can I still hand out with you?"

You fish out a spare piece of paper and write your number down with a smirk, "I think that's fine as well."

[rantyraven]

hey tumblr 

this is a little weird for me. but I feel like documenting my emotions and my trials and errors with this issue will help motivate me to actually making progress on it. for about a year and a half now I've been struggling incredibly hard with a weed addiction that I'm struggling to find a support system for. most of my closest friends not only smoke it daily as well, but are firm believers in the “it’s impossible to get addicted to weed” motto. based on their attitudes and actions tho, they’re just not self aware. looking thru tags on here have made me feel less alone and more validated that there is something wrong with me -- that there’s a reason I feel like I'm struggling so bad.

I hate who I am with weed. I feel so entirely useless and unmotivated to do anything. I miss the old me, the me that didn’t know the meaning of procrastination, who exercised daily, who actually completed projects, who actively practiced writing. I can feel my brain rotting away and I hate myself for letting this happen. 

I know this will be a long rant post and I don’t wanna clog any timelines so ---------vvv

my experience with weed didn’t begin until I was 24 when my partner brought stuff home from a dispensary out of state. back then it was fun and something I only did once in awhile. I remember how I couldn’t imagine how anyone could enjoy participating daily -- it was too much for me and I often felt hungover the next day. then I abused it during my final semester of graduate school -- the excuse was I needed to smoke to help my artistic expression. but soon I wasn’t working on my creative projects on weed anymore. I was entertaining manic episodes and busy being emotional and paranoid. the longer I smoke the more I feel like a rotting fat corpse. every day I'm desperate to stop but I still choke down 3-4 joints and maybe a bowl or two. I get anxious early in the day to smoke if there’s nothing else to distract me, or if I feel too lazy to do anything. but, the moment I smoke I feel the strength to stop and feel the shame of already fucking up before I could start. it’s so ridiculous that I only feel the motivation to completely quit weed only after just having smoked. 

god I'm so desperate to quit. I want my old life back. I want the old me. I want to live a normal life again and feel the ambition and drive and passion that I used to feel over the project ideas I have. I have so much potential to be successful and I feel crippled by this fucking drug. I hate that I can’t even confide in my friends without them interpreting my journey as some kind of better-than-thou bullshit. 

I want to quit so badly but I don’t know where to start. I've never even smoked cigarettes before so I have no experience quitting a substance that has such a grip on your life. 

I would love to receive some advice or support. maybe anyone else on here who’s in the boat with me, who also wants to work on their sobriety. I've tried and retried on my own over and over and always fail. if anything, I hope using this as a vent space for my frustrations as a quit, or if I fail again. what are some of the best ways to help distract from the craving to smoke?

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Well, I finally tried edibles to see if it helps my anxiety at all, as well as my insomnia, appetite, and pain. I’ve had horrible anxiety, more so than ever, this past year and the medications my doctor would allow weren’t working. I was feeling really hopeless and scared. The only thing that did seem to help was my pain med, which of course isn’t its intended purpose but I was taking it for that as well, which wasn’t good. I finally decided to give edibles a try with the hope of course of it actually helping me and to also take less pills. 

2. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? Well, I’ve been trying this new regimen for the past week now and figuring out the right dosages and how many a day and  so far it is working. I have definitely cut back on the pills, which is really good. 

3. Name somewhere you are planning on visiting in the near future? I sadly have no travel plans. I’m hoping perhaps my new “medication” will help me feel motivated and have the desire to want to get up out of bed more and perhaps at least take a drive to the beach and park as close as we can so I can enjoy it from the car. I’d take that over nothing right now. I really miss the beach. :( Like I said, though, I’m still playing around with the correct amount and what type I take for what. I need a mood lifter kind. While it has helped some of my issues, it also makes me really tired and have zero energy which is not helpful if I want to go somewhere.

4. How often do you go grocery shopping and how much food do you usually get in one go? My mom goes twice a month for our big grocery trips. We get a lot of stuff.

5. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? I have cream of wheat for breakfast, Taco Bell at least 4-5 times a week, and I have a sandwich for lunch just about everyday. I have pizza fairly often, too. It’s so wild how my appetite has changed since being home from the hospital because prior to I ate a lot of chicken, particularly chicken wings. I had that all the time before and now it’s rare for me to get chicken wings or chicken strips. I don’t know why.

6. When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? That’s kinda just how I am for the most part. I’d like to speak up to a couple people, but I just want to cause any drama or hurt anyone’s feelings. I just imagine the conversation going completely wrong and everything getting twisted. I won’t be able to say what I want to say in the right way. I’m getting hurt, too, but it’s best I just don’t say anything.

7. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? I don’t recall.

8. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? I don’t have any friends.

9. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else's dreams? I always have random people pop up in my dreams for some reason. Like people I know, but I’m talking like for example this kid I went to elementary and middle school with. We weren’t friends, but acquaintances. I didn’t have a crush on him or anything either. Sooo, I really have no idea why he’s the one to pop up on my dreams randomly. 

10. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? I sometimes wish I could talk to Ty again and tell him some things, but I guess at this point it really doesn’t matter.

11. Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we're basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? Nah.

12. What worries you most about your future? I’m truly afraid of getting worse or never getting much better. I’m afraid of living a life mainly stuck in bed or at home. I’m afraid I won’t be able to travel again or go places. My future terrifies me.

13. What is something you do to feel better when you're scared? I have to just try to distract myself somehow. 14. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? My mom, 100%. I know I always can.

15. What makes you trust someone? When was the last time someone broke your trust? It’s usually just unless I have a reason or feeling that I shouldn’t. You just kind of vibe with someone and gauge how comfortable you feel and how much you want to share. 

16. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I don’t recall. 

17. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? I used to be the one friends came to for advice all the time, but I’m certainly in no place to be giving advice to anyone right now. I also don’t ask for it generally. Very rarely. I keep a lot of shit to myself. 

18. When was the last time you felt totally lost, figuratively speaking? How about literally? >> I constantly feel lost, figuratively speaking. I almost never feel lost, literally speaking. <<<

19. In what ways are you emotionally strong? In what ways are you emotionally weak? I feel extremely weak emotionally. And physically.

20. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? One of them that randomly came to mind is “The Giver.”

21. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? I much prefer watching with others. My mom, brother, and I have several shows we watch together. I find it fun to have someone to react and obsess with. 

22. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? I don’t recall.

23. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? My favorite number since I was a kid has been 8. That number comes up a lot in my life, too. The number 9 does as well. I don’t know what it means, if anything, but it’s interesting. 

24. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? No.

25. What do you get complimented on the most? Ha, nothing anymore. I’m a mess. 

26. What is something unusual that you find attractive? I find hands attractive, but I think that’s not so unusual or uncommon. I can’t think of anything that would be “unusual.”

27. What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? I tend to eat around 11 or 12PM and my last meal around 8. 

28. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching a YouTuber that does a lot of videos on abandoned places and companies that went bankrupt and/or closed down. The one I’m watching now is about Bed, Bath, & Beyond. 

29. When was the last time you traveled out of town, and where to? Over a year ago to the beach. 

30. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I don’t know, man.

[nerdysleepybunny]

Hi Shwoomie🙂 u mentioned u miss home. What do u miss about it? Maybe write about ur ideal/perfect situation if you could choose where to live and ur family n stuff!! Like if u had all the money in the world! Then it could help motivate u to not give up on that dream n to make it a reality!

Hello anon! Yeah, I miss home a lot. I miss how it was a lot warmer there, now I seem to be constantly freezing, which sucks 'cause if you know me you know that I have anemia and am very sensitive to the cold-

I also miss my school and friends, it was familiar, and I actually felt like I belonged. I was genuinely happy. Now I don’t fit in whatsoever, I can barely be myself. I barely even know anything here. It’s so different. I guess I’m not very good with change, because lately I’ve been getting so overwhelmed and just end up crying or holding back tears.

I also miss how I felt comfortable going outside and just walking around whenever I needed a breather. I could just jam to music and walk in any direction knowing that I won’t get lost and nothing bad will happen to me, I lived there for years so I knew the place like the back of my hand. I also liked how the area looked somewhat like a forest, and we all know how much I love forests, so I could just be relaxed whilst I focus on nothing but my thoughts and my music.

For a house, I've always wanted my own property either in or near the woods. I hate the sound of society. It's very loud and often annoying. But anywho, the trees would block the sun, and I enjoy dark places, so that would be nice. But that also means it would be cold, so daily walks to the edge of the woods to just bathe in the warm sun would probably become a routine.

I’m not very close to my family, in fact, I dislike most of them. But I do enjoy the company of a few of them, my sister being the one I’m closest to. So if I had to live with any of them it would be her. But I'd much prefer to live with a good friend or a partner, since I can be more myself with someone closer to my age.

If I had all the money in the world, then I’d 100% buy my own property and go shopping whenever I want to. I love the mall and buying things, so it'd be fun to go more often! I'd also be mega donating to things that need it. Like orphanages, organizations finding the cure to cancer, etc.

As you can see, my view of perfection is to just be away from society in my own forest with my loved ones. I think that’s where I’d be most at peace. Thanks for letting me rant, anon! :D

[stormxpadme]

for the wip ask game, i can’t pick. so just tell me something about one of them that you’re really proud of

WIP tag game

I can always rely on some people on my dash to cheer me up <3. All the X-Men stuff I'm currently working on is still in early stages and I tend to be more proud of works in their entirety, so I think I'd like to talk a bit about my She-Ra project, not least because once I'm done with Weathered II, I think I want to go back to that, and some people on my dash (looking at you @kintatsujo :D) have been interested in it occasionally.

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with the Netflix Princesses of Power show since I hate it. Not gonna elaborate on that. I've dealt with anti hate for that fact before so anyone reads this and feels like pissing me off in my inbox: You're 4 years too late, move on.

Nah, what I'm doing with “Terra Exit” is basically translate the original She-Ra series into an adult setting and try to finish that series and Adora's story in that old Filmation verse. I'm starting with the events of “The Secret of the Sword” and write myself along the actual series episodes (not writing them but adding missing scenes and quickly brush over/mention what's happening in them), and after the last franchise episode, I move the series on to what the creators could never get around to do. Meaning, writing out the Rebellion's last stand against the Horde. That's a monster project where we're easily talking a million words once more, so depending on how burnt out I am by the point I get there, I'll have to see how to go from there. The vague idea is to get Adora home to Eternia then where she belongs finally, give her a bit of soft time before Horde Prime moves the war there and He-Man and her have to work together to defeat him once and for all. So that would be de definite ending of that huge project. I'll see in 10 years or so if I ever got there, I guess :D.

What motivates me for this is that She-Ra has been my childhood heroine, saving my life in years of bullying in school, that the series was my first anchor when I got on the internet and learned how to handle online life and got my first friends in oversee fandoms, and the wish to translate one of my favorite childhood series into a mature setting. For a child's series, this franchise has some surprisingly, chilling themes like child soldiers, separation, making the hard choice between family and duty, fighting fascism, defecting from the army, brainwashing etc. This whole franchise has great potential to be a gripping, gritty sci fi/fantasy stories for adults when translated into a mature style, so that's what I want to do (In a way, the more recent He-Man comics did this in some alternate universe already when they pulled She-Ra in, with Adora being a still brainwashed killing machine, so I'm not far off the mark or original here). I'm not pulling any punches here; this is going full drama and Explicit rated in terms of violence and a little bit of romance. And honestly, whenever I think about it, I am very excited and have to stifle back all that impatience to remember, one big project at a time. But I definitely never get tired talking about it :D.

That said, here's a little snippet (no rating) from the current series part where I stopped writing before diving back into Tolkien and X-Men. Takes place at the end of the canon episode "Bow's Farewell".

***

"Thank you." It wasn't until she remembered how to breathe again that she realized she'd slumped down on the floor, on her knees, Swift Wind's soft nose reassuringly nudging her back. "I'm okay. I'd better fly to Bright Moon Castle right away."

 "Everything's fine there. Just a few ruined walls, half-collapsed ceilings, and overturned furniture. No one has been seriously hurt. No casualties," Light Hope ridded her off her worst concern. "Stay for a moment. I can sense you're upset."

 She-Ra did, mostly because she remembered Light Hope's request to spend time here as often as possible, even if she didn't need anything. To spend time with him. That way, she didn't have to face the next interrogation right away, either. "I'll be fine. There hasn't been much time to rest recently. And even less to be with the ones I love. No wonder everyone thinks I need therapy when they hardly see me."

 "Don't be angry with your brother and friends for worrying about you, She-Ra." Of course, she didn't need to reveal the details of her anger to Light Hope first. It would have surprised her if he hadn't known exactly what this was about.

 At least that gave her a chance to ask him something she hadn't been able to get out of her mind since that conversation not exactly overheard by accident. "Is Adam right, Light Hope? Do I need to remember?"

 "I can't make that decision for you, She-Ra." Light Hope's form melted back into its usual shape, that massive column, as if he wanted to pull back from her a bit. "Your soul would be shaken to the core, that much is for sure."

 "So you know what happened back then," she found, wearily rubbing over her elbow where a slight twinge had started to throb, something she usually only felt when the weather changed. Something she had always blamed on some old muscle damage until now, from her constant training battles in the Fright Zone. Except that her medical records on Eternia knew better. Everyone seemed to know better than she did, which particularly bad encounter in her youth had left her with multiple broken bones, and apparently something even worse. Only nobody wanted to talk to her about it. And still She-Ra didn't know if that wasn't for the best.

 "I wish I didn't, believe me. But there aren't many secrets you can keep from me," Light Hope explained with a distinctly sad tone. "Very little of this planet's past or present is hidden from me in general. That is my curse, as yours is the brokenness of your heart. The future, however, I can only predict extremely vaguely. All I know is that Hordak wants to hurt Adora very badly, and that you must take care of yourself."

 She-Ra nodded briefly. "To know that, I don't need to remember something that my subconsciousness has obviously decided I'm better off without. I'll wait and see. For now."

 "If you change your mind, I'm here for you." Light Hope said goodbye with the usual respectful flicker in his silhouette before retreating back into his pool.

- Terra Exit: SHOW THE WIND HOW TO FLY (#5)

[captain-kit-adventuress]

I really struggled with whether or not I was going to even post this, because it's embarrassing and I still have a lot of baggage surrounding it, but in the interest of helping people who have debilitating ADHD, I'm going to.

When I was in my early twenties, I worked at a library. This was back when I thought I was going to have a career in library services, and though customer service is still customer service, I loved working in libraries and truly wanted to spend my working life dedicated to them. So this was definitely not a motivation issue or something I wasn't interested in.

Unsurprisingly, many of the people who work in libraries really, really love books and reading. Doesn't matter what format, they just love it. And many of the other services that libraries offer, but books is kinda the baseline. So we tend to check out a lot of books, too, and it was no different for me with this job.

I will say that this was a major branch in the local system of a mid-sized American city, and maybe a lot of other libraries aren't like this, but this was just before the sort of 'cool librarian renaissance' we seem to be experiencing now. This library ran itself very nearly like a business (which is a whole other issue for another time), and it was Serious when it came to books not being returned, by staff and patrons alike.

I knew the rough idea of what would happen, that the system capped fines at $50 (per item) and after that, the matter would be referred to collections. Yes, at an actual collections agency. There were even rumours that sometimes a police officer would be deployed to recover items, but that may only have been in particularly egregious cases where there was a strong possibility of regular theft.

Not that they treated a single item missing as anything less than theft, to be fair. I still loved working in the library, but I will say that branch was the most difficult place I ever worked at, and it really discouraged our patrons from engaging properly with our services. It was a challenging job, but still, I was doing what I loved.

Only...I was also in my early 20s, in college, feeling super overwhelmed, I was depressed, broke, failing out of school, and no idea why any of it was happening. I was about 15 years away from an actual ADHD diagnosis, so I was genuinely convinced that I was a stupid, shit person, and let me tell you, feeling thoroughly ashamed of every part of who you are does not do wonders for executive function.

My roommate and I were very lucky to get a cool apartment not far from campus and there was a tiny windowseat just inside the door. As was usually the case, that's where I tended to dump my stuff when I got home, at least initially, and there was often a book or two I'd brought from work. That book that broke the camel's back sat on that window seat for weeks, and I never read it. And then it became overdue, and I would often forget to put it in my bag so I could return it. More and more time passed, and I forgot. Literally every single time before I walked out the door, and then I'd remember halfway into my shift and would be embarrassed with myself and angry and spend way too much mental energy punishing myself for that rather than just...putting the book in my bag at some other point when I was able before I went to work. Eventually, for a lot of ADHDers, if that happens for long enough, the book becomes part of the landscape. You can't even actually see it anymore, it is just part of the shape of the room. So days overdue became weeks, and weeks overdue became months.

And sometimes? Sometimes I would manage to see that book sitting on the windowseat, and I would get so embarrassed I couldn't even look at it. It was just a reminder, a very visible reminder, of how viscerally I was failing at everything. It became the symbol of everything that was wrong with me, and I couldn't go near it. My body wouldn't even let me physically pick it up.

I don't know how many of you have ever experienced executive dysfunction, but it's not really what you'd expect. It's like being paralysed, knowing you're paralysed, knowing you're powerless to just...do the thing, even if you need to, even if you want to, even if you're desperate to do the thing. The more desperate you get, the worse it is. And when I say paralysed, I mean that very physically, like if I wanted to pick up the book, it was as though the signal from my brain could not reach my arms. I could not in any way have physically touched that book, much less put it in my bag or taken it back to work with me.

So one day, I went in and got ready to start my shift, and my boss took me back to our little communal area, and it was her and another woman from our central branch, and they looked Very Serious. I don't remember a lot of the conversation, only that I didn't really have answers to their questions about why I hadn't returned the book despite working there regularly multiple days per week for months while I had it in my possession, and they just became more and more grave as the conversation went on. At the end, my boss gave me a talking-to about how she couldn't understand why I had done this and how had it come to that, and how angry and at a loss she was, and then they fired me. The whole thing had taken maybe ten minutes, and I was out the door again almost as soon as I had gotten there. The rest of the staff was openly confused, and I could hear, before I even left, my boss starting a speech about why I would no longer be working there.

All because I just couldn't. Pick up. A. Book.

It was not the first time I had been fired, and it would not be the last. Most of the time, it was for making errors, or what my superiors deemed lapses in judgment because I didn't understand how to give them what they wanted from me. I have been written up for insubordination more than once because I just...couldn't stop making mistakes that I didn't catch before they became problems.

ADHD is not just a fun, quirky little offbeat brain thing. It is truly a disability, and I think it's really interesting that the ADA is super non-specific about what actually constitutes a disibility, but the language of the law does actually list ADHD as an example. It's horrible, and even though I now know that I have this condition, and I'm properly medicated for it and things are better, the damage it's done to my life and to me are permanent. Unlucky for me, mine got worse over time and now I am completely unable to work in a traditional job, or even drive safely. And that's with appropriate medication. So, yeah, we absolutely should make jokes about it to cope, but never forget that it truly is a disability, and some people are more debilitated by it than others.

And no, I can't keep my house clean, either.

Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.

[bakery-anon]

I MISSED YOU TOO BAKERY ANON !! i’ve been okay !! just going to school and work so nothing that exciting, just very busy busy so i’ve only really been online during night BUT it’s helping me decrease my screentime so it’s kind of good!!(but i do miss being chronically online with everyone else<//3

i’m sorry things have been stressful for you, i’m manifesting better days for you right now :(( things might seem hard now but they’re going to get better eventually! it sucks that your chef keeps taking away your class time from you but hopefully you’re able to catch up eventually. take things one day at a time and everything will be okay <3333 something that helps me organize a bit when i’m stressed is to write it down in my memo pad so that i can visually see the things i need to do, and !! crossing things out seem so rewarding so i get a bit more motivated to push myself a bit! (BUT don’t push yourself too hard bug please just prioritize yourself over anything <333) i also hope your english teacher is lenient and understanding of your situation, if it gets too much though i definitely suggest just talking to them just so that they can be a bit more understanding of you being behind in everything

IM GLAD YOURE ABLE TO STAY HOME TOMORROW YIPPPE!!! take all the rest you need and cool down! your week sounds so so stressful right now so it’s definitely good to take time for yourself!! <33333 i hope your day tomorrow is better than today, i wish i could literally fly over to you and take some burden off of your hands </3333 (im NOT a good baker nor am i really a writer but i will try!!) but it sounds like you have a good support system with you so im really glad for that <33333 cheeseburger macaroni actually sounds good and interesting?? i’ve never tried it heard of that before!! but comfort meals are always the best!!

we can cheers our water bottles while we drink! i’ll always read your little rants whenever <333 i had some vietnamese food my mom made earlier as dinner but!! i will get a snack now in honor of you !!(pretzels i’m coming for you) i love you bug!! i hope this message isn’t too long <333 manifesting better days for you!! take care of yourself as always and be nice to yourself, thank you for always being so kind and bringing such a warm environment to the community, so make sure you take care of yourself too <3333 xoxoxo

MANGO ANON <33333

Omg I completely get how you feel </333 I’ve been so busy and just want to catch up on all the fics I’m behind on (reading and writing). I’m still chronically online but not like how I was over the summer </333 I hope work and school let up a little bit so you can relax and have some free time soon <333

I’m manifesting good days for you too mango anon <3 you deserve only the best in life. I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up on everything tomorrow 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ after much needed sleep. I literally came home and slept from like 3-9:30 and almost just went back to sleep. Instead I made myself food and now I’m awake lol. My motivation is complaining to my friends about things I need to do and them going “okay so do it.” (In a loving way). I’m gonna try my best not to push myself too hard!!! Yeah, my English teacher is pretty lenient. He doesn’t really take points off for late assignments but I keep forgetting to turn my stuff in bcs you have to email it to him instead of there being like a “submit” button or anything. He’s chill. Slowly but surely I’m catching up to where I need to be in my classes.

My mother giving me Mother Mandated Mental Health Days is my saving grace during the school year. I drag myself upstairs and she goes “mental health day tomorrow?” And I nod my head and go to sleep. I’m gonna sleep so much tomorrow omg- I thought about going to school but I’m just so tired </3 come on over!!! I’ll make you fruit bars and we can have a game night!!! <3333 I usually stress bake but we don’t have anything at home to bake so </3 one day very soon I will stress bake. Cheeseburger macaroni is as it sounds! Macaroni with hamburger in it. We get the Hamburger Helper but I also like doing it with velveeta Mac n Cheese. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Yes cheers 🥂 (<- fizzy apple juice) finishing off my water bottle right now and about to get another one. Awww <333 I’ll read your rants or rambles anytime too <333 ooh!!! That sounds so good!!! Pretzels my beloveds <333 I hope you enjoy your snack <3 I LOVE YOU TOO MANGO ANON <33333 also bro, what do you mean message is too long??? Do you see my replies to you??? /lh Yap sessions are never too long (tumblr cuts off DM messages at like 747 words </3) but yap all you want. I will happily respond, yapping is my favorite pastime. Manifesting good days for you too <3 I’m getting better about being nice to myself! You make sure to be kind to yourself too mango anon! We all love you so much!!! <3 Thank you for thinking I’m kind and warm, I’m legit gonna think about that forever now thanks <3

You’re so beach coded omg. Sorry, I really like the beach so you remind me of the beach. It’s a calming place for me like the waves and the sand and stuff. Idk you just remind me of the beach and like hunting for seashells. Thank you for checking in everyone and continuing to be a positive presence in everyone’s askbox. I love you mango anon, please take care of yourself too <333 and you’re welcome anytime in my inbox so feel free to send an ask in whenever! <33

[raincandyy2]

Motivation

Hewwo~! :3

Reporting from in my bed while I definitely should be up if I don't wanna miss bus #1 for school.

You know these days (like.. almost every day) when you just can't get up, then go on social media, look at useless stuff and call yourself lazy because of that while you know you're not actually lazy? — or maybe you don't know.

Yeah, that's my mood right now. Thankfully I can just take bus #2 because this week is "Projektwoche" as we say in German (something along the lines of "project week"? We do different things that have nothing to do with school, like theater, cooking and different sports?) and that means school starts 50 minutes later.

The only issue with bus #2 is that it's so packed, I'm not even sure if I'm gonna be able to get inside. Eh. If I don't I'll have to ask my mother to drive me (as if she's gonna do that) or just stay home all day, cuz the next bus comes at a time where school is already close to being over.

Anyyywayyy, thanks for reading this absolutely useless post, have an amazing day/night/whatever, take care, stay safe...

Bless! ~

[percontaion-points]

Delicious Monsters chapters 21 & 22

Today's review might be difficult for some; reader discretion is advised

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Click here for the rest of the series!

Chapter 21

I slammed her door shut and rushed to get ready. There was no premade lunch waiting in the fridge, which wasn’t surprising. It was always like this. There would be promises to make life different, and then something would shift, something I couldn’t see that she could, and suddenly it would be over.

This literally lasted a day.

And you wonder why it is that Daisy is so messed up. 

Instead, I found the goat. 

There wasn’t much else to do but stare. It was quiet. No more bleating. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Mom to not let the guests into the greenhouse. 

[...]

I had zero desire to discuss the goat.

I mean, you can guess what happened. 

But actually telling the readers what happened is for fucking squares, I guess. 

I wished that I had Megan’s version of a bad day. A colder-than-usual shower and messy hair. That would be nice.

Chapter 21 summary: Daisy wakes up the next morning to the sound of the goat screaming, and the sound of the birds flapping their wings really hard. The sound of the birds is really triggering to her, because of what happened a week earlier. She finds that the window blind is open, despite the fact that she closed it last night. And her headphones are out, which she’d never do. But she isn’t too worried about the dead, since they’re all attracted to whatever’s in the main house. 

She tries to get Grace to take her across the lake again, but her mum’s motivation to be a good parent has already ended. Daisy is disappointed but not surprised; how can she when it’s like this every couple of months for the two of them? 

As she starts to walk over to where King lives, she sees that there’s already frost on the greenhouse glass, so she goes inside to turn the heater on. Instead, she finds the goat with its throat slashed (the fact of which we don’t discover until the end of the chapter). 

King meets her outside, and they walk over to his house. After Daisy gets into the car, King’s mum comes over and tells Daisy that she’s welcome at their house anytime. Daisy is pretty sure that she won’t take them up on their offer. 

Her school day is glossed over. After school, King has to do grocery shopping for his family, so Daisy decides that if Grace has stopped being a parent, then she’s going to need stuff for lunch every day. As she’s walking around, she runs into one of her classmates, the most bubbly girl that Daisy could find. This was because the happy classmates keep the ghosts away; not because Daisy wanted to be friends. After chatting with Mackenzie a bit, Daisy continues on and sees Katie. She thinks about how different lives that Katie and Grace ended up leaving… But randomly paints Katie as a loser simply because she chose a different path than Grace did. (Yet Katie is the one with the stable job, in a stable marriage, probably not moving from home to home every few months.) 

As they go to check out, Daisy asks King for his phone, and uses it to stalk Noah’s new girlfriend. He immediately identifies Noah as her ex, and then goes on to say that he can get reads on people. But for some reason, not Daisy or Grace. He picked up a bit of info when she was thrashing around in the thornbush, but that’s about it. Daisy tells him to stop being so fucking creepy, and to mind his own goddamned business. Which is kind of fair, NGL.

Chapter 22

I thought about bringing it up with Mom but didn’t. It would just go down like mentioning the worm had.

Pretty sure Daisy could wake up missing an entire arm and Grace would say “It’s all in your head.” 

I got the distinct feeling that little by little, day by day, Mom’s plan was falling apart.

I can’t even pretend to be surprised about this. It’s like she was expecting easy money, and instead, she’s probably pulling back whatever sort of TRAUMA the house caused her 17 years ago. 

“Why did we buy a goat?” I asked. 

Mom’s expression deflated. “Can you just stay on topic and celebrate with me?” 

I pressed my lips into a line. 

“Goat’s milk is good for you.” Mom got her information from a variety of sources, none of which she could accurately cite.

There is literally no way that the ownership and maintenance of a goat (plus the cost of properly pasturing the milk so that you don’t get sick) is somehow less than the cost of going and getting a jug of goat milk from the store. 

But I’m going to file this under “suspicious shit Grace will not stop doing” and move on. 

There was no way the dead in that house wouldn’t eventually create problems. Not to mention, the house must be drawing them in for a reason, and I didn’t think I was wrong to assume that it wasn’t something innocent.

Daisy has already told us that the dead are drawn to misery. Something terrible happened in that house… And judging by Brittany’s chapters, the worst is yet to come. 

She pushed her sunglasses onto the top of her head. “Here we go.”

Chapter 22 summary: Helga and Joe came over and butchered the goat for them. Later, when Daisy tries to ask Grace why she even got a goat, her mom is like “Goat milk is good for you!” without further explanation. I said what I said. Grace is more focused on how popular that the Airbnb is getting than over literally anything else. 

However, as her mum goes to leave, Daisy has a sinking feeling that things aren’t half as good as Grace is making them seem. She knows that no matter what happens, Grace is going to blame her for all of this. 

After Grace leaves for her MYSTERY ERRANDS, Daisy meets up with King and Ivy so that they can go into the main house. In there, Daisy has to move away to avoid being touched by a ghost, and King asks her about it. He also asks about his great aunt who died nearby. But Daisy says that only those unsatisfied in life would linger for so long. But even those would eventually pass over. 

King explains to her that the house, when working correctly, is supposed to attract, trap, and release all of the nearby spirits. His great aunt was drawn to the area, and made a blood pact with the land in order to help keep this running. However, they need the homeowner’s permission to do a “factory reset” on the house. Which they really need to do, since the house is currently only trapping the dead, but not sending them on to the afterlife. 

The three of them start to look around the house after that. King refuses to split up, calling it, and I quote, “White people bullshit.” He’s not wrong. 

[starrwulfe]

Last Week Today! S2024E7

🤦‍♂️ OK, I skipped out on hella posts for this category. I know, I know… I’ll backfill them later, but I really hadn’t done much of anything noteworthy I guess so there wasn’t the motivation to post one of these… Which is not the point of course, so I’ll just shut up and get on with this installment. Just watch out for the backfills if you’re keeping up with this on the socials or RSS or email or whatever.

🩺 I had my yearly physical exam, and it went well except for the one note under intensive fasting glucose being 101mg/dL which to make a long story short, prompted my doctor to admonish me about getting enough exercise or else worry about diabetes being a thing. Other than that, I’m just as healthy as ever.

🏋️ It’s no secret that since returning Stateside from Japan, I haven’t really been getting enough exercise, walks, runs, all that jazz and have low-key been stressed and a bit depressed. I have zero motivation to go to a gym; I don’t like doing routines so much to begin with, but I really don’t like being in a room with total strangers trying to figure out how to make my body do stuff to burn fat. It literally makes me even more stressed out than just jogging/riding a bike by myself. SuperWife and I had been going to the gym together at first, but her job changed, and our schedules fell out of alignment for that; I lost my motivation about a year later and here we are. I tried going to the little gym in my area, but my job no longer subsidizes gym membership, and probably more influential, the guy that runs it keeps asking me to join a “boot camp” class. I don’t want to join shit, I don’t want to be around people, leave me the fsck alone, I’m already anxious as hell just being there. So I stopped going.

🚲️ Excuses aside, I’m just gonna go and buy myself a bike and do what I used to do overseas that kept me fit in the first place. I used to cycle all over the place. I can’t walk or take trains like I did there but I’m going to try to at least bike around here and get out more. Did you know I once went almost a whole week without leaving my house a few months ago? (Working from home has its downsides too!) I miss Japan for my social life and urban living more than anything; it kept me on the “life gym” plan where my mind and body constantly got a workout every day without effort. Just living my daily JapanLife kept me fit. Now I actually have to actively work on it. I appreciate any tips on keeping motivated and healthy from y’all out there reading this please.

🚸 Moving on, the kids are doing well. I just realized we’ll have 0 mini-mes that will be in elementary school after this school year. Little Monkey will be a middle schooler. When dafuq did my cute little simian who learned to climb up my back like a ladder and sit on my shoulders get to be on the precipice of teenagedom?

🚗 At the other end of the scale, The Big One just passed her written Drivers Exam and is now permitted. I really wasn’t ready for this one. It’s not like she’s chomping at the bit to drive (kinda opposite actually – she frequently takes our fledgling bus system around here) but it’s always good to have another driver in the family in case something happens. I wish I had the cheddar to get a hoopty for her and Boy-Type (he’ll be at a permittable age this time next year 😨) to drive… But even if I did, we can’t afford the insurance on a 16 year old right now I’m sure.

🎨 Speaking of Boy-Type, his drawing skills are getting very good. Fingers crossed for him to be the next Akira Toriyama or Hayao Miyazaki. I’ll settle for him just being that guy that paints to cool murals in trendy shopping plazas and shops like his uncle does back in Tokyo. Getting paid to do what you like to do is the shit. One of the classes at the arts high school he’ll need to pay attention in is Creative Business Management. I hope he soaks it all up when the time comes.

🦸‍♀️ SuperWife is out here doing her thing and will attend a intensive technical training bootcamp style class this summer since she’ll have more time for that while the school district is on summer break. I think she’d make a great tech support technician or level 1 project lead; her time management is better than mine and that’s always been half the job for me. I can’t wait to have crazy “vim vs emacs” type discussions with her. LOL

🏁 Lastly, I’m looking forward to spring, warmer temps, and getting back out in the RV. We’re set to head down to Jacksonville, Florida for a few days during the first week of April and I can’t wait. I love being on the road with the tribe and I feel we’re at our best together out in the world exploring like this. We’ve hit daylight savings already and 25ºC/80ºF was hit for the first time last week too. Just gotta hang on a bit longer to shake these winter doldrums!

[pinkpantherjam]

A Recap of Jam's Year (2023 Ver)

January- I left my job and returned in Laguna with mama and my siblings. I reorganized my body clock from strenuous graveyard shift to normal and became the instant eldest doing ate's roles because she just decided to ghost all of us. I had so much regrets because i didn't have a backup plan or any savings left from my former job. I could have had something to use for myself. It made me realize that resigning never felt rewarding after all because i no longer receive bi-weekly pay plus i'm back with major household chores which i think was so tiring compared to my routine of living alone series as a working girlie in Manila-Makati. Mom made me leave the job because they offered to support me in my studies and all around expense so i took the opportunity because somehow that was what my body needed. But from that experience i learned financial independence. I learned it the hard way that a good way to invest for your future is through starting small steps of saving. Aside from the fact that my ego can't ask stuff to my parents as i was used to buying all the things i need and want on my own, nothing is more rewarding when you wallet is full. I should've opened a bank account and took an effort to spare for something that will eventually grow in the future back when i had the opportunity. January made me realize that saving was actually as serious thing to help yourself out in the future:))

February- Second semester , 1st year in Adu and from those few days of schooling i got tired of life. An exchange of parental support is an effort to comply and cater the most dysfunctional person in the family. What Step Father wants, is what we follow. On the other hand, Mom told me she cared about my health and physical well being so she had to watch over my eating habits and that is why i can't stay in a dorm. But mom never cared about the fact that i study kilometers away which takes 2-3 hrs , a total of four rides before i get there and ironically speaking, that would mean her daughter will go home late everyday tired and drained from school and commute. But i continued and chose to stick around. I was so strong that i managed my own sanity while adjusting to my circumstance. I kept on manifesting that by second year i'll get to rent a dorm in Ermita and i no longer needed to travel 6 hrs a day.

March- I took the opportunity to speak my mind more through speech & writing competitions and joining academic organizations. Not because i was motivated but because I have lived my daily life with guilt seeing and knowing that somebody is making a living along with funding my studies so i have to not just study hard but also excel. That became my reason until i lose sight of everything in me. I've always reminded myself that if i am tired, so are they. Until i forgot its purpose and became drained. I also think it was the month where i get to have more bonding with friends and i get to widen my circle. I had this thing where i thought "the more, the merrier". I was such an extroverted person.

April to May- all i know is that i was fighting. i never gave up from the fact that i'm few days away of making it through the semester and eventually I will be a sophomore sooner or later. I numbed myself from all the insult i received from my own parents because i valued gratitude even more. They gave me a thought that i owe them because they offered me shelter, food, and education. I had plans of working or looking for a job by summer because i had nothing to do and i wanted to save up too. I missed treating myself out also:<< At the back of my head i was already guessing mama would disapprove.

June to August- I was fully vacant with nothing to do at home so i applied for a job in Laguna without mama knowing. When i announced i was hired she disapproved. She kept on telling me she wanted my body to rest but i know on the other hand that once one of us gets a job, that would lessen their power and authority. Our dependence towards them is what will boost it and the same thing will also be their card against us. So i was jobless the entire summer rethinking about what life could have been if i never resigned, if i never left my dormitory, or in general if i could live an authentic life where i can decide for myself and the things i want to do. I was also heartbroken during last weeks of august because i never made it to the list of scholars despite of my high GWA, it turns out that i actually had one subject close to 2.00 and just like that, for a couple of months i did dwell myself on the thought that i was a failure, something i should've not. It was hard to accept because I was almost there, but it seems to be as if everything i did was not enough. It felt as if I was so ahead of the curve, until the curve became a sphere. I kept trying still.

September to October- i met a very gentle person who takes his time to get to know me. He was patient when i declined for a couple of times, i kept myself high and he did all his best to reach me. I was never an open book so never did i willingly utter stuff about me, my family, even my deepest and most sincere desires. He proved himself, he did all he could, he cares about my well being, shows me simple to big gestures of giving through things that make my heart happy and that includes all his acts of service. He constantly reminded me that he was and will always be proud of me and the things i do. He called me beautiful even during the days i didn't feel like it. He kept in track of me through written notes of the things he admired about me each day, along with sweet compliments were all the sweets he gave. There was this one rainy day and he rushed his way to where i was before his exam starts just so he could hand me white roses. He takes me to beautiful places i haven't been. He waited all along until i would open my heart fully, until i would allow myself to feel how comforting it is to have someone beside me; Ought to love and to be loved genuinely. And from that day onwards, my night rides on the bus never felt miserable, or lonely and cold because he travels with me until Laguna even though he lives in Taguig just so he could make sure that I'd get home safely without him knowing that whenever i am with him, it feels so warm as if i am already Home. Romance is indeed not dead, if you keep it just...yours.

November- to recall my last two months of the year, November has taught me so many things. It was the time of the month when my "so called" friends turned their backs on me. I felt betrayed. They made up things about me, things i wouldn't do, accused me, confronted me for things i am not even responsible in the first place and that ruined my mental health. I realized it was so much draining to have such kind of friendship and i had so many regrets. My bad for having empathy, my bad because i never chose who i surrounded myself with because i was blind. I was overly friendly that i forgot my worth. From that, i learned the art of detachment. I decided to cut off all the people who disrespected me and ruined my well being. Not just my former friends but also those who treated me badly. I was slowly leaving my people pleaser self and kept my circle smaller and smaller. I even decided to fully cut ties with those who made me feel a certain guilt for not doing them favors. Choosing peace is somewhat painful especially if you somehow shared memories with those people. But for my own sanity, i decided to let things be. That took me quite some time to finally accept that not all things taken care of actually last. I felt sorry for myself, i felt sorry for the days i haven't checked my environment. It doesn't mean i never cried about it. I just decided to continue because life goes on. Eventually, "the more the merrier" does not apply in relationships.

December- i left.

I left home. I left the environment that suffocated me for years. I left the people I thought were my people, I left the unhealthy ones, the ones who made me question myself. I left those who abused me emotionally, physically and mentally. I left the university that gave me an unforgettable memory of how I used to pity myself when the professors who knew me and sought that I was a kid with an upbringing potential saw me hopeless and crying in front of them because her own mother reported her, her step father tarnished everything she has, her own parents invalidated everything she worked hard for. I left places and avoided spaces that reminded me of where or how to end my life. I avoided the bus terminal and that vehicle I couldn't avoid to cry publicly then and now. I left my old self and started to outgrow ties, friendships, and even dreams. I left the program people think I excel at. I had to leave my sister and brother for now in the care of my mother because I cannot afford to give them a life yet. I left everything, everybody, all at once. I kept a low profile and never did I tell anyone where I am or what I'm up to. I left to the extent that people eventually forget my existence. I never celebrated Christmas, new year or my own birthday because I can't find reasons to celebrate mourning seasons. I took the risk to let go of who I once was and the things I once wanted. And now I am enduring liberty, solitude, and love— until I can think and feel that I am finally clean.

[romanarose]

Hi!! I'm the person who left the message about chapter 4 of Seattle and I have so much I want to say!!

First of all, you are absolutely NOT useless. I think you'd be very dearly missed in fandom. You're great! Second, I am so so sorry to hear what you have been going through. As someone who struggles with depression I relate A LOT to what you described and I wish I could give you a hug. I have had that exact "crying in the car for 45 minutes" moment and honestly I respect you so much for going into Panda Express with tears in your eyes. That is a sign of strength, to do something even when it is difficult. I respect the hell out of you and I'm rooting for you really hard (I actually live in Seattle so just know there is someone over here cheering you on!!)

Speaking of, I finished Seattle yesterday and a big part of what I appreciated about it was exactly what you described - Rebecca is strong, but abuse can happen to anyone. Seeing her strength, her love, her hope was honestly so inspiring and motivating. Another thing I absolutely adored was her connection to her faith. You honoured that Marc has a complicated history with faith and his family in a beautiful way, and you allowed him and Rebecca not to be on the exact same page about it in such a respectful way. The traditions and the Hebrew you incorporated added so much character to the story and warmed my heart to read about. I have Jewish holiday notifications on my google calendar bc I want to honour my Jewish friend's faith and check in with her when important days are coming up, and Seattle actually taught me some new stuff and showed me there are so mamy things I should google so I can be a better friend to her, I dunno it was just a sweet added bonus for me in a fic that was already so great and meaningful.

Lastly!! I did not find $10 dollars on the street but I read your story Lucky which was even better!!! Again, as someone with depression that story REALLY hit home. This line in particular "...and then I started feeling fucking useless, and things just spiraled." I FEEL LIKE YOU READ MY MIND. Everything described is exactly how I have felt, exactly what I've gone through. And everything Will said in this fic is something I need to learn to tell myself. This story really tugged at my heartstrings, made me feel understood and seen and hopeful. Thank you so much for that. I know I will be coming back to it time and time again when I feel down and need a pick me up.

Hi!!!!!! Thank you for reaching out again! The panda express cured me

jk but after a huuuuuuuuuggggeeee cry and a lot of food i feel much better this week and im really really really hoping things are on the up now.

As for Seattle... your from seattle!!!!! I bet thats why it caught your eye lol. Sorry it wasn't actually about Seattle haha.

Rebecca's faith is something I really wanted to explore with her and Marc. IDK if you read any of the bonus endings, but in Cleaning Out My Closet, Marc is quite religious again. I wanted Rebecca to be a proud Jewish woman and explore her finding her practice again. She never left being Jewish, but it was pushed down due to Jack. So it was more finding that faith expression again, while Marc found his faith. Marc never stopped being Jewish, but he was fairly removed from it all.

Jack caught Rebecca in a vunerable moment, a moment she was no longer codependant with Marc and was probably still struggling with that idea of being on her own, even if she was still in contact with Marc. Also, she didn't date. Her entire high school, Marc was at her side and no one was going to fuck with Marc. for 6 years of college and grad school she didnt date either, just trying to get through each day. And no matter how strong you are, when you've grown up with abuse and never having that parental love, you're ripe to fall for lovebombing and someone rich taking care of you.

Doesn't mean she's weak, it makes she's human.

And one of my favorite parts of Seattle is Marc's reaction to Rebecca's pregnancy. Not only is he just genuinely thrilled, elated to be having kids with her, but the fact he's so excited to tell his dad, Matty, and all his street level marvel friends.

AH Lucky, that's a comfort fic of mine, honestly. The idea of Will taking care of me....

Not that you have to, but Sunshine Starlight Sweetheart Brightside and then Leather and Lace deal with similar themes of recovery from child abuse, sexual assault, and addiction, but that's just an aside

I appreciate you reaching out, and telling me all these kind things. These sorts of messages I've gotten for my series at different times always make me so happy and warm, but at this particular dark point in my life, it's meant a lot more.

So, thank you again.

[mrfoox]

Mom, who have no idea how I am on a daily basis: please go out and shovel snow off your porch!

Me, who have been avoiding going outside and people at any time the last year: (: