#i might put something together someday of all the different concepts i have

[seabirdtxt]

.Irminsul --amend -m 'Scaramouche'

Nahida has called in the book club to try and start discussions about the Creator's situation. Cyno actually kinda knows what he's talking about and Alhaitham is... mostly there for moral support... [< prev] [Blog Tag] [next >]

Notes: SAGAU, reader is the Creator but no cult shenanigans. Separate warning for my writing being all over the place on this one. all relationships are currently platonic!

WC. 2.6k

----- ⚘ -----

There’s not much to do except wait for Alhaitham and Cyno to show up, unfortunately, so you have taken to chatting with Nahida and Aranyani about some of the games and toys that exist back on Earth. Aranyani seems to be interested in the mechanics of each, comparing them to existing games in Teyvat, while Nahida is more interested in trying them out for herself, someday.

Scaramouche doesn’t seem interested in the conversation, but he sits with the three of you anyway and watches the shadows of birds moving beyond the stained glass windows. 

You’d just been explaining the concept of the rubix cube and algorithms to the two gods when a sure knock is heard on the sanctuary doors. Scaramouche takes the opportunity to make his escape from the conversation, shuffling to the door and opening it for the newcomers. 

Cyno steps in, followed by Alhaitham, and the two of them hold each other at a polite distance as they walk down toward the dais, where the rest of you stand to greet them. 

“Hello, my friends!” Nahida exclaims, smiling brightly and clasping her hands together even as she and Aranyani take a gracious step back to allow you and the newcomers space. “Thank you so much for being here! We have a lot to discuss!” 

“We came as soon as we heard,” Cyno replies, nodding. He then turns to you with a little salute. “Your Grace, it is an honor to be in your presence.”

You put your hands up placatingly. “Please, there’s no need for formality…” you say, shuffling awkwardly on the spot as everyone looks at you. You clear your throat and gesture for the newcomers to continue. 

“We heard about the circumstances after your arrival in Teyvat,” Alhaitham states, stepping around Cyno, stopping at his side and crossing his arms. Straight to the point. “Do you remember the circumstances that led up to your descent? It might help point toward the root cause, and shed light on the ‘how’s and ‘why’s.” 

“Uh, good question,” you mutter, scratching your head about it for a second. “I was probably hanging out in my room or something, really. Playing, uh, games on my phone.”

You wonder if it’s too early to mention that said game was Genshin, AKA. controlling their world. You know they’re marginally self-aware, but the extent of which still escapes you. 

“Alright, and did you do anything different while you were playing on this ‘phone’? See anything strange?” Cyno picks up, pulling out a small notepad and quill. “Anything out of the ordinary, things that you don’t normally do or notice.”

“Well, my phone has been glitching a lot when I play games, lately,” you muse. “And I kept getting these buggy screens while I was in-game, but I figured that was just because my device was overheating or something. You know, they build them faulty on purpose so they can sell you a new one every few years? Apparently in France or something they made companies give people the right to repair their own phones, but we don’t have that where I live…” 

Cyno writes down most of the first half of what you say, but you seem to lose the crowd as you ramble. He looks up from his notepad to fix you with a level stare, though you can tell there's just a hint of confusion behind his expression.

“Can you say something that makes sense to people who live in this world?” Scaramouche interjects somewhere in the middle of your rambling, the first time he spoke since you guys first teleported to the Sanctuary of Surasthana. “Or at least stay on topic, or something.” 

“Oh,” you reply, blinking. “Right.” 

Cyno nods to you again, though he keeps glancing at Scaramouche out of the corner of his eye. Alhaitham doesn’t bother with subtlety, fixing the Balladeer with a level, analytical stare. Cyno clears his throat after a few seconds of awkward silence, preparing his notepad once more. “So, you were saying you played on this ‘phone’ device, aside from the problem you noticed, was there anything else you did differently?”

“Not really,” you shrug. “I was playing the game like I normally would, doing commissions and stuff. No, wait, actually I did do something a bit weird.” 

This causes Cyno to perk up, and he leans forward onto the balls of his feet as he listens attentively. 

“Because the game was overheating my phone, my ping was super slow,” you explain. “So I was lagging pretty badly. I was doing one of the leylines in the jungle and I was spamming the interact button on the flower because I was getting impatient…”

“And then?”

“... And then I think another dialogue box popped up, but I didn’t notice what it said.” You finish, sighing. “After that, I just remember waking up beside a leyline thingy right here in Teyvat.” 

“Do you remember the exact location of the leyline?” Alhaitham asks, to which you shake your head.

“The Traveler and Wanderer found me not too long after that, and took me straight to the city. They probably have a better idea than I do, honestly. I didn’t really have a chance to figure out where I was, at the time…” 

“Do you recall any distinctive landmarks? Anything that stood out in an otherwise unremarkable location?” 

You shake your head again, trying to remember what you saw. “No, uh, I was a little bit distracted by discovering I was suddenly in- uh, in Teyvat, and-”

“So you were not already aware of your location when you descended?” Cyno clarifies. You nod quickly.

“I only figured out it was Sumeru when the Traveler started bringing me closer to the city,” you agree, wringing your hands nervously under the general’s gaze. “The few little houses and tents that started popping up, the architecture kinda gave it away…” 

“Were there any inconsistencies you noticed between your knowledge of Teyvat and the actual Teyvat when you arrived?” Cyno asks, his head tilted to the side ever so slightly. “Just to make sure you’re in the correct version.” 

“Well, funny you should mention that,” you figure it wouldn’t hurt to share this, given the result of it sitting right next to you. Out of the corner of your eye, Nahida is giving you a thumbs up. “I got hurt touching a leyline, not the same one as when I first got here, though! I got a little cut on my hand, because the leaves are a bit sharper than I was expecting…”

Alhaitham’s attention shifts from the Balladeer back to you. “What happened when you were injured?”

“I, uh, I accidentally made Irminsul recover some deleted information.” You simplify as best as you can. “And now there’s several things that were added back to the world that aren’t technically supposed to be here...”

“I’ve never heard of leylines doing that, before,” Cyno remarks. “Then again, it’s not every day the Creator descends to Teyvat.” 

“Have you tried going back to the same location to see if it yields reverse results?” Alhaitham wonders aloud, seeming amused by the strange predicament. 

“And what is that supposed to achieve?” Scaramouche interrupts again, snorting as he crosses his arms. “Besides going for a leisurely stroll through the jungle, I mean. Irminsul already recovered the missing data, and the location itself doesn’t matter, if you haven’t noticed already, since you can find a leyline just about anywhere.”

“It’s certainly an unprecedented behavior for leylines,” Cyno agrees. “But again, the Creator has never descended before-”

“We heard you the first time,” Scaramouche deadpans, earning him a smack upside the head courtesy of you. “Ow! Do you want to figure this stuff out or not?”

“Be nice,” you grumble, though you do feel slightly annoyed at the repetitive line of questioning. “He’s just ruling things out, right?” You turn to Cyno, nodding encouragingly for him to continue. 

“Ley lines are a complicated but fascinating subject to study,” Cyno states, crossing his arms and tucking his notebook under one elbow. “However, I’m afraid interdimensional travel is a little bit outside Spantamad’s realm of expertise.”

“Honestly, that’s fair,” you give a resigned sigh, but Scaramouche cuts you off.

“But how’s that supposed to help you?” He sneers and rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “It’s like you want to be stuck here forever with no explanation for how you got here in the first place.”

“Can we just chalk it up to magic or something?” You ask sheepishly, a little embarrassed at having taken the time out of two of Sumeru’s most important figures’ days.

“I was looking forward to hearing about how you got into this predicament with your own two idiot hands, honestly.”

“What I want to know,” Alhaitham suddenly interjects, surprising everyone else with his initiative. “Is how the Creator and the Dendro archon are here, cozying up to a Fatui harbinger?” 

Four pairs of eyes blink at him in surprise, while Cyno nods in agreement.

“I think that’s the more pressing matter, here,” he agrees, and you can sense the tingle of static in the air as his previously-relaxed grip on his notebook starts to tighten. 

“Okay, see, that’s one of the things I was talking about!” You say quickly, the words leaving you in a rush in hopes of stemming the building tension in the sanctuary. “He was a harbinger before, but he’s all better now!”

“You say that like it was an illness,” Scaramouche snorts, to which you can only laugh.

“Yeah? As if you didn’t act a little bit sick in the hea-”

Nahida, who up until now has been doing an excellent job of pretending to mind her own business, decides to chime in before the general can come to his own conclusion.

“I apologize for not warning you two earlier, but I do have it on good authority—that authority being myself,” she hides her giggle with the palm of her hand, “that the Balladeer poses no harm to either of you, or the Creator!” 

“It’s also kinda my fault that he’s here, so I mean…” You trail off and give an apologetic shrug.

“How did you know I was a harbinger?” Scaramouche’s eyes narrow at Alhaitham and he crosses his arms as well, mirroring both the scribe and Cyno. “As far as I've been told, the memory of ‘me’ was erased from Irminsul.”

Cyno shakes his head. “No, there is recorded evidence of the Balladeer’s involvement with the sages’ god-creation plan,” he corrects, relaxing very slightly after Nahida’s reassurance but not dropping his guard completely. 

“I was present at the time of the Traveler’s investigation of the Joruri workshop, where they confronted the mechanical false god,” Alhaitham adds. “The person who fell from the machine indeed bears striking resemblance to you, but was confirmed to not be the Balladeer himself. However, Lord Kusanali’s own interjection confirms that you are indeed the Balladeer.” 

“He’s been reformed,” you say cheerfully, but your mind is running a mile a minute. Evidently Nahida and Aranyani are on the same page, because the two goddesses drift closer with curious looks on their faces. 

“So Irminsul has already started patching the holes in Teyvat’s history,” Nahida muses, hands on her hips. “It’s much faster than I anticipated, given the circumstances.”

“Not as surprising as you would think, little sprout,” Aranyani pats her head. “Irminsul is capable of very rapid computation, but the problem lies in resolving as many conflicting histories as possible. Two is faster, but three will cause some things to be shuffled around for a few days, still. The justification of the existence of multiple incarnations of the Balladeer may yet be subject to change.”

“So you’re saying that what we currently perceive as fact, is instead false?” Cyno asks, having retrieved his notebook once more. As the goddesses continue to muse on the subject, he writes down their theories and makes some notes of his own. 

“I’d say sorry for that workshop fight,” Scaramouche says, addressing Alhaitham with a smug grin. “But I honestly didn’t even remember you being there. I guess you just weren’t that noteworthy to me at the time. No hard feelings, right?” 

Alhaitham doesn’t even bother to grace him with a look, much to Scaramouche’s annoyance. Instead, the scribe quietly listens in on the Irminsul discussion.

Meanwhile, you try to remember what team you had when you took on the Archon quest fight. It’s been a while since then, and you’re not sure if you’re thinking of the right fight. Maybe you used Alhaitham in one of your weeklies? Speaking of which, do those boss fights exist in the world of Teyvat, or is that just for you as a player of the game? If they exist, how do the characters feel having to go beat up the same people on a weekly basis? What about the characters who are weekly bosses, like Wanderer, Childe, and Ei?

Thinking about it is starting to give you a headache. 

You decide to tune back in as Nahida and Aranyani finish bouncing ideas between themselves, with Cyno furiously scribbling annotations in the margins of his notepad. What was it they were talking about again? You get the sense that maybe you should've paid a bit more attention. 

“- that’s the case, then we should contact Inazuma and see if there is a new history that came up.” Cyno offers, to which Nahida shakes her head.

“If we ask directly, the answer we will get is the same.” She explains, wringing her tiny hands. “To them, this knowledge will have always existed. They will perceive it as an unchanged fact, in the same way you and the Scribe believe the circumstances of the Balladeer to be a fact. The better people to ask would be the ones involved in the anomaly.” 

“Alright, and how do we find them?”

“See, that’s the funny part…” You begin, only to be interrupted by a sudden swirling pressure in the chamber.

It’s strange to see the teleportation from an outside perspective. You watch as Wanderer shimmers into existence, adjusting his hat. The metal charms on the ends of it chime as they settle. He looks up, catching sight of you first and raises a hand to wave, only to stop short when he sees the other guests.

“... Looks like I’m late to the party,” he remarks, drifting over to Nahida’s side. “Wanna catch me up to speed? Not that I care, but I might as well get the full picture so I can correct you where you're wrong.”

“I asked for the General and the Scribe to come visit so that we could get a better grasp on the Creator’s situation!” Nahida explains, smiling brightly at him. 

“Great, and how did that go?”

Everybody chooses to look in different directions, unable to look Wanderer in the eye. You hear him heave an annoyed, but resigned, sigh. 

“We might’ve gotten somewhere if Buer hadn’t sidetracked,” Scaramouche adds helpfully. 

“And you might’ve gotten the groceries like you guys said you would, too, but here we are,” Wanderer crosses his arms, pinning you and Scaramouche with a pointed look. 

You wince and turn around, subtly leaning over to Scara, whispering: “I actually forgot about that…”

“Me too…” he replies, not quite as quietly as you. You both startle as hands come down on both of your shoulders, Wanderer’s grinning face appearing between the two of you. 

“Isn’t this just a splendid opportunity for you two to go find the traveler and restock our pantry, while Buer and I go over the details of what you clowns didn’t explain right?” 

Scaramouche wastes no time wresting his shoulder out of Wanderer’s grasp with a noise of disgust. “Who do you think you are to order me around, teacher’s pet? I’ll go when I feel like it.” He sneers, stalking off toward the doors of the sanctuary.

You offer a light chuckle and a wry grin of apology to the others, who watch unimpressed at Scaramouche’s display, while Wanderer dismisses you with a shooing motion.

Right. Time to get those supplies. 

[ladyamanda123]

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus - My Analysis

Your hologram stumbled into my apartment

Hands in the hair of somebody in darkness named Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

And I just watched it happen

This line SCREAMS Kaylor! Karlie lived with her. She had a Karlie room in her apartment. I can absolutely picture a scenario where before they are “together” Karlie is bringing people home to Taylor’s apartment and Taylor is lying in bed just dying inside listening to it happen. It calls back to Hits Different with “I hear your key turn in the door” and Cornelia Street with “But then you called, showed your hand” line where there has clearly been an argument. That argument could have been Taylor losing it about Karlie bringing people home and then Karlie calling Taylor and confessing her feelings for her and the rest is Kaylor history!

As the decade would play us for fools

And you saw my bones out with somebody new

Who seemed like he would've bullied you in school

And you just watched it happen

Its quite literally been 10 years since the start of Kaylor. They officially met in 2013 and this album drops on 2024. Now Karlie is stuck watching Taylor beard with 🏈….the perfect representation of the dickwad football bro that would bully kids in school.

If you want to break my cold, cold heart

Just say, 'I loved you the way that you were'

If you want to tear my world apart

Just say you've always wondered

Years of bearding, distance, lies, etc HAS to have taken a massive toll. If they’ve been together this whole time there’s no way to that hasn’t been hard AF. If they split and then eventually came back together this will have still been all hard AF. Either way, whatever you think the reality might be, this decade has sucked! The idea of them looking back and who they were before this all blew up and saying….what could our life had been like if we hadn’t made these decisions. If we had been brave. If we had had control. If we had done this different. The hindsight must sting something horrible!

You said some things that I can't unabsorb

You turned me into an idea of sorts

If so much of this was out of their control but they decided to try and make it work, the buildup of being together someday….the fact Covid probably played a huge roll in delaying it….over time that distance will absolutely lead to this concept…. “You turned me into an idea of sorts”. Anyone who has been in any sort of long distance or forbidden relationship knows exactly what this is saying. When we don’t have the object of our desire and it builds up over time in our heads to be something it’s not. The pressure that puts on the relationship and the person to meet those unreasonably high expectations that have been swirling in your head all that time. If you’re not careful, if you don’t pivot those expectations, that shit can be insanely toxic to the relationship.

You needed me but you needed drugs more

And I couldn't watch it happen

I think this is a red herring line to make us think Matty, but I also think this could be a line from Karlie’s perspective and the drugs needed is Taylor and her fame and her mastermind plans. It could explain some of the anger at the fans she’s showing now. You wouldn’t accept us. You wouldn’t accept me. I chose you over the person I love and over myself. I played this part for you and now I’m wondering what if I had chosen the other path. What if I had picked her and picked us and picked myself over the drug of being who you wanted me to be for you. This brings to mind the line in Miss Americana where she talks about the addiction to the applause. It also ties in to the 🎃 anon message…. “You’re a selfish asshole….but you’re finally choosing her”

I changed into goddesses, villains and fools

Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules

All to outrun my desertion of you

And you just watched it

More of the same theme….I made myself into this thing that everyone wanted…the fans, the labels, the media, my dad, etc. All in an effort to justify pushing us back in the closet and you just had to take it and now I think I chose wrong. I should have picked us over them.

If you want to break my cold, cold heart

Just say, 'I loved you the way that you were'

If you want to tear my world apart

Just say you've always wondered

If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh

Down that passage in time

Back to the moment I crashed into you

Like so many wrecks do

Too impaired by my youth

To know what to do

Again, hindsight…looking back and realizing you made a choice and that choice had major consequences on your life and on the life of the person you love and you can’t go backwards and that breaks your heart now.

So if I sell my apartment

And you have some kids with an internet starlet

Will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon

like it never happened

We aren’t those roommates from Cornelia Street and Maroon anymore. Everything has changed now. You’re stuck in this marriage/life and that apartment life we shared is gone now…did our choices back that lead us to a place where your feelings have changed? Have you forgotten who we were? Have you moved on? Is that version of us gone now because we’ve come to far from it?

Could it be enough to just float in your orbit

Down Bad reference…also could be asking if it could be enough to glass closet like before. Can we do the friend thing our whole lives and be okay with that? Or do we need to actually “come out” and be openly together for real?

Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses

“Dancing phantoms on the terrace” Very clear reference to Kissgate. Can we go back to that? Being “friends” and having the world openly speculate etc etc. I feel like this song is them finally coming back together and going “Okay, this is another cross roads for us. We fucked up last time. How do we fix this? Do we break up and let each other go? Do we go back to how it was…together but technically still closeted? Or do we do what we should/could have done back then and just be who we are and be together openly? Can we rewrite this ending? The prophesy ties in here too as well as the Manuscript. Looking back and wishing you had made different choices and examining if it’s possible to get your life back on track.

Cooler in theory but not if you force it

To be, it just didn't happen

The idea of us that we have been clinging to for 10 years, the expectations, the mastermind plans…are we holding on still to just a dream or an idea that no longer exists? It’s been 10 years and it hasn’t happened like we planned. So now what? Again this screams of a cross roads. They’re looking at each other saying we can’t keep doing this. We need to make a new decision or we will destroy ourselves.

So if you want to break my cold, cold heart

Say you loved me

And if you want to tear my world apart

Say you'll always wonder

Cause I wonder

Will I always

Will I always wonder?

The song ends with the desperate and vulnerable question. In Lover Taylor was exploring those vulnerable early questions in a relationship…..can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Can this relationship go the distance? Are you my person?

Now they’ve arrived at the vulnerable possible end questions. Stop. You’re losing me. Is this the part where you break my heart? Are you going to tell me I fucked it up to bad and you’re leaving? Are you about to confirm what I fear? That I chose the wrong road and now I’ve lost you?

Ending on the question that way shows the decision wasn’t made yet at this point. The song leaves us in that desperate silence between the question and the answer.

This also calls back for me to Mine. When she runs out and braces herself for the goodbye. That’s what history has shown her. That’s what she expects in these moments. But this person is different. This person called and showed their hand. This person took you by surprise and said I’m not leaving you alone. Are they still that person? Or have you finally fucked it up enough that even they are about to leave you?

I think given the shit that’s dropping now, the TTPD lyrics, the massive cracks in the facade, we can figure out what choice was made…..”You finally chose her” ❤️

Hopefully, now at the end of this part, they can have their do over (Come one come all) and regain what was lost. Hopefully they can change The Prophecy moving forward.

[kinardscake]

hi, sorry. i just wanted a place to rant and uh. this got away from me. feel free to ignore this! sending love to you and all my fellow bucktommies! <3

can i say this: "playing the field" is a bullshit argument. if you (general) had to experience Every Single Thing in life until you are "wise enough" to make choices and have commitments as a grown ass adult, none of these couples could be together. wdym athena didn't sleep with tons of women and trans people before choosing bobby? she cannot possibly know that she loves bobby, a person with a penis, because sHe HaSn'T pLaYeD tHe FiElD enough yet! because what if her "last" is actually not bobby? bobby could die tomorrow. it's not unlikely. athena doesn't know when he might die. bobby doesn't know when athena might die. they don't know if maybe some hurdle will break them someday. and still, we see them treat each other as "their lasts" and investing in their shared future. that is what humans do.

the fact of life is this: you have billions of human beings on this planet and thus plenty of options every day that you have to choose from. that also means that when you made that choice, your are aware that you forfeit the opportunity to get a different outcome. that goes for every single friendship, relationship, hookup, job offer, hobby, place to live, and so forth. realistically, none of us will ever have it all. that is not possible. buck is a firefighter and thus forfeits the opportunity to be a teacher or a zoologist. buck is living in his loft, thus forfeits the opportunity to buy a house. buck buys a couch, thus forfeits the opportunity to have a different one.

that is LIFE, baby.

if the 911 writers think that one must have lots of sex to know when one is in love, well! good news! buck did that already in season 1! buck went through multiple "updates" to learn what he wants. "love" is not suddenly a completely different and unknown concept to buck. he has loved before. he is loving people right now. he has lived through more things than any other person ever will in their lifetime. has experienced eye-opening trauma that clearly says that life is fucking short. and you tell me that after all this he just accepts that others tell him what he supposedly feels? nah fam. this is once again feeling like buck is just "going with the flow" because despite 7 seasons of development, he still seems to let others tell him what he thinks and feels and wants. i'm pretty sure he knows what he wants. buck told tommy that he thinks what he wants could be with tommy. he said it from the beginning. but then the show suddenly pulls a 180 and decided that, actually, buck is unwilling to put in any work.

bobby's first wife and mother of his children died, and nobody questions that his love for athena is real. eddie's wife and love of his life died, and everybody is still hoping he finds another great love after her. you can never know what happens in life, and none of that diminishes the fact that love is real and meaningful and worthy to fight for when you are feeling it! just like chimney went after maddie and pushed to support her despite maddie herself telling buck to not tell chim where she is (which buck respected and got punched for as a thanks). chim explicitly went against maddie's wishes because he knew this was a moment to fight for and support maddie.

just like the old tommy said: "you make it". and that's exactly it! buck has tons of options nd he could find "the one" in multiple people. until buck is dead, he will continue to have options. and it will be a continuous choice to stay in a committed relationship regardless of the other options that will always be there, no matter who he ends up with in the end. that is how life is. he could sleep with thousands of women and men and still be alone because sex with strangers is an investment into something "fun", yes, but not something that is a committed relationship. buck has learned that lesson in season 1. at some point in life, you either choose one person and put effort into that relationship, or you will never make any choice at all and thus never have any of "the ones" that you could have had.

buck can choose to invest his time in meaningless hookups. that is a valid choice to make. however, we know that buck was unhappy with that. why are they trying to reheat a 6-year-old moudly soup?

bucktommy is not even a "the one that got away" story for that reason. we know that both tommy and buck actually want commitment. they are literally on the same page. and instead of fucking committing, of intentionally choosing each other day after day after day, communicating about their insecurities and feelings and needs some more... they suddenly pull back completely? what the actual fuck is that logic? either you want to be in a committed in a relationship or not. make a choice. most people literally talk about that on the first date. making tommy pull back like that after 6 months is horrible, but making buck accept this without any pushback is frankly stupid. THAT would have been the moment to fucking fight for this relationship and point out that "yes, i could easily go fuck other people with different genitalia and guess what, i have been aware of that option existing this whole time but the point is that i INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE to be WITH YOU". but for some reason... nothing. poof. done.

and then i think back to red's story and how it affected buck tremendously... how red put his work first for decades and that he always regretted not investing more into his true love which he met when he was young... red did not choose the person he loved. he chose his job. he did not put in the effort to build a relationship, did not take any risk, and was thus had to live with the consequences of his own actions (living utterly alone after retiring because colleagues are not forever). and that is the thing: there will be what-ifs and consequences in all our lives. you can only be on one (1) path at a time. there will be chances missed. lives you maybe could have had. but this is not how real life works. so you either start making intentional choices and accepting the fact that all of life includes risk and potential heartbreak, or you will regret living as if you are paralyzed.

just. sorry. i didn't plan for my rant to be so long but i'm still so mad at this bullshit take that they gave to tommy of all people. i love tommy, he isn't at fault here. i love buck, he isn't at fault here. the writing in the last episode, however, is really making me fucking mad. it's so condescending and disrespectful to buck as a character but most importantly to bisexual/pansexual people. just because "there are more options" for bisexual people does not mean that the dilemma isn't the same for every human being. if you want love, you have to choose it. you have to work for it. you have to fight for it. you have to communicate what you want and need. you have to be a team with your partner to deal with hurdles together.

this has nothing to do with the size of the dating pool. it's about knowing what you want. all characters in a committed relationship, namely athena, bobby, chimney, maddie, hen, and karen, all have a big potential dating pool. they could all sleep around forever if they wanted. they could test every kink under the sun. however, they do not want to sleep around. it's as simple as that. and there is nothing wrong with you if you intentionally pass by certain opportunities. people know what they want. this is like men telling women that their life will never be "complete" if they don't have children of their own. like how fucking condescending is it to assume that you know what's best for another person when they are mature enough to form their own opinions?!

with how they have written buck for the past 7 seasons, it seemed like he wants commitment. this was established in the pilot episode. but if he just "accepts his fate" and sleep around now, no strings attached? well. okay. so what i am hearing is that either buck still does not know what he wants in life or that the past 7 seasons are a lie and actually his key to happiness is fucking strangers. either way, he has been stagnant for years in this endeavor.

buck and tommy could have easily fought for this to work. this was the perfect opportunity. but they didn't. and now i really think that they have truly lost the plot with buck's overarching storyline. very saddening.

You took the words right out of my mouth, Nonnie.

Sending you so much love as well, and, please, keep speaking your truth. 🫶

[liamlawsonlesbian]

fic writer questions

thank you to the lovely @mecachrome for the tag <333

how many works do you have on AO3?

there are 19 on my profile currently! there is also one anon, and I believe nine orphaned (rip)

what's your total ao3 word count?

statistics page says 92,629! it is somewhere north of that (see above reference to orphaned fics)

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

biting fic, vegas fluff, child actors au, witch charles, remote control vibrator + feelings

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

yes!! I want to show appreciation for people taking the time, and honestly I'm just so excited that I always want to respond asljdf;asaf

what's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

definitely i can feel the sun on you! (that is perhaps a spoiler for the 71 year old movie Roman Holiday lol)

I don't even really think of it as angsty, though, they're each in a better place than when they started, they're just not together (and I don't do that much because I'm a sap)

what's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

maybe the sky might not always be blue, for sure....I have a habit of leaving fics in the moment of getting together, and that one tackles the happily ever after a bit more

do you write crossovers?

not really! my old little women modern au fic has some pop-in characters from other louisa may alcott works but I don't think that really counts (I did also dabble in 1D/LM/HP crossovers as like bday presents for fandom friends back in the day but those never made it out of their inboxes lol)

have you ever received hate on a fic?

no, I'm very lucky! I have received the occasional odd "constructive" comment, but I try to take people on good faith that they're trying to be helpful! (I have also gotten a couple of less-than-stellar numerical bookmarks ratings...I am begging people to learn to use private bookmarks if they want to do that)

do you write smut? if so, what kind?

yes...not sure what "what kind" means, but it ranges from decidedly vanilla to somewhat less so...vibes wise it always involves a Lot of Feelings even if those feelings aren't necessarily romantic (though they often are)

have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of!

have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

have you ever co-written a fic before?

not yet....ro and I have thrown around a couple of ideas but we haven't managed it yet. I'd be interested in trying though!

what's your all-time favorite ship?

this is an interesting question to me,,, I feel like there are different answers to this depending on if it's like...in media in general, in fic, in rpf, in f1......I will answer with Enjolras/Grantaire, bc baby 11 year old jo who had never heard the term "slash" and barely knew the concept of fanfiction read the brick and then got pissed when she was R in a drama camp production and was blocked to have a girlfriend in Drink With Me, because "obviously he's in love with enjolras"

what's a wip that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

brocedes knight/prince dragonslayers my beloved/beloathed.....I know what it needs to be but it's very different than anything I have ever actually accomplished....

what are your writing strengths?

I think I'm decent at mood and imagery! but honestly I'm not sure....maybe those things only make sense in my head lol. I do know that my fics have made people laugh, which is lovely <3

what are your writing weaknesses?

plot!!! I am bad at writing anything that isn't just vignettes strung together, though I am Working On It....also sometimes I like my dialogue but other times I feel it verges on hokey....also someday I would love to be able to write something longer than 12k....or even just write something 10k again.....

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

it's tricky! I do think it's easy to fall into tropey-ness with it, especially in a fandom where it's common (eg, this one)...I definitely do it some, though! and I did enjoy putting sentences in french/spanish/italian in whole cloth in i can feel the sun on you, bc it was supposed to mimic the feeling of watching roman holiday

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

first fic I ever published was for 1D asldjfa;jf (and was.......far and away the worst case of just really obviously projecting onto some dudes I have ever done.....but I was 18 and my mom had just died so)

first fic I ever wrote, before I even knew it was called that, was definitely either anne of green gables or lord of the rings, in fourth grade

what's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

someday i will write the perfect his dark materials fic and actually know peace.....also in f1 terms I would love to Actually write galex!! i love them so much that it's sort of weird that I haven't written them

what's your favorite fic you've written?

it depends on the day! right now I would say either you don't have to know that it's haunted or would have loved you (in a day or two)

no-pressure tags: @oscarpiastriwdc @blorbocedes @kritischetheologie @wewentcarracing @gayferrari @foggieststars and anyone else who wants to do it! I have no idea who's done this one already

[9w1ft]

Although all these days I struggled to understand the concept of LSK or if Kaylor really are together still etc, Hudson Valley really sealed the deal for me. For reasons best known to Kaylor themselves, they definitely have chosen to live their life the way they do. Aaron posting Taylor in Hudson Valley same time as Karlie raised enough eyebrows for their PR teams to kick in and start diverting everyone's attention to Travlor instead. Cue the dinner, tonight's concert, extra PDA, karma line change etc. I see the reoccurring patterns clearly now.

I can't help but feel sad though that this is how they choose to live and of course no pressure for them to pick otherwise but I do hope someday they will decide to drop this facade and openly be together. Love your work btw and it's from your posts that I really started to believe in LSK :)

thank you for this message! and yeah, i think if you stick around and look at the big picture it makes a lot of sense and then things like what you mention above just kind of stick out a little more when they happen. and they happen from time to time.

i understand what you mean by feeling sad, though if you will allow me to go on a tangent,

i think i would be inclined to feel more sad for their situation if they were just everyday women in love with each other but unable to express it solely because of social inequality related to sexuality. but when i think of their entire situation, i know there are more factors involved than just the particularity of who they love. being a celebrity, for example, puts an additional variable into their story that makes the idea of them coming out more complicated and potentially dangerous, and thus potentially less beneficial to them on a personal level. coming out won’t necessarily make things automatically better, because the eyes of the world are on them and a lot of them are hostile. and that’s an anxiety we might not understand. so i try to think about it like that, and place the goal not at a universal ideal but more at a local ideal, the goal of their love persisting and persevering against the odds. i still find a lot of meaningfulness there.

i think we might assume they must be unhappy in their situation, and i’m not saying they can’t be, but i think assuming they are unfulfilled creates a perception that these things they do are painful for them when it might not be the case. i say this because i feel that over the years they’ve been able to sort out and be honest about what they want and what they don’t want, and how to go about things in a way that doesn’t invite miscommunication. looking at taylor’s discography i think there were absolutely years and instances where they weren’t communicating their best, and that both got hurt for different reasons. but i get the strong sense from a growing collection of songs that they’ve put in the work to be on the same page and have found something that works for them.

i don’t want to dismiss anybody that sees them do things and is hurt by it. she basically invented the book on parasocial engineering and i still have my feelings about miss americana and how that clearly set people with expectations. but i think taylor was pretty clear with midnights that she’s doing her thing rn and shining bright. and that she doesn’t want people to mistaken her as a guiding light.

so i think at some point it’s up to each of us as individuals to assess what it is that we get out of it and if it’s worth the time for us or if there are better places to invest our time. i just think that’s going to be different for each person and that’s okay!

[brainisonfire]

I really hope this won't come across as a way to compare different kinds of illnesses and struggles cause it's not, it's just stuff I thought about while listening to the great impersonator that I needed to share. at the end of the day, I'm just a mentally ill bitch lol

i still need time to process this record well enough to be able to fully put into words the amount of things that im feeling, but this whole thing about this album is bringing back things. so im sorry if this is going to be sort of a trauma dump.

in february one of my best friends lost her mother to cancer, and even tho it's not my trauma and my loss to claim it hit harder than i expected (and yes, i do feel like shit for expecting it to hit less). my friend and i grew up basically as one, we've been together since we were three years old, we spent so many afternoons in her room playing with her mum. i knew that woman too well to act like it didn't hurt me as well, but im not going to pretend it's my loss to grieve. she had a family i need to stay closer than ever now.

all of this was to say that when she died something in my brain snapped. i had the kind of reaction that makes you go 'life is short. i can't keep wasting mine. anything could happen at any minute. i dont want to go with these many things left unsaid'. which felt insane, and also kind of bad if i have to be honest, because years ago when my father died i didn't have the clarity of mind to act the same way and i wish i did.

it lasted a few months and then i fell back into my usual mental patterns and old habits, which I'm definitely not proud of, but i really do believe that even tho i keep telling myself that i went back to therapy because i needed an ocd diagnosis and someone to help me manage it (which is something that was and still is definitely very real), i actually needed to know i was working in a direction where i could, someday, be at least well enough to be there for my friends when they need me. because i fear that, right now, I'm not. and it's not fair to them to always have to second guess if they can call me or not when they need a shoulder to lean on, especially when tragedies like that happen. i want to be able to give them my undivided attention, not to have to fight against my brain to be able to barely have the energy to listen to them.

it was weird to listen to this album and realise that I can (in my own personal way, i dont want it to sound like i know the exact same pain h experienced cause i didn't go through the same things she did) relate to both of the points of view. my chronic illness is not nearly as debilitating as what she had to go through, but in my tiny way I've been both the 'heavy heart' that's 'too much to hold' and the one that wanted to try to be there for someone else and couldn't because of my own issues. and I swear im trying so hard to not repeat the same mistakes. im far from perfect, but I'm trying to show up more for the people that i love.

I'm not the kind of person that needs to do something big with their life or to give meaning to it etc, but i do need to know that it's worth it, that the bad parts are balanced by something positive. and, right now, i still dont know how to hope for things, cause a future is still not a concept i feel comfortable in yet. if i have to be completely honest i never pictured myself getting this far, but now that I'm here i might as well try to *actually* be here, at least for the people i care about. I can't do that if i dont start seriously working on things i avoided for ten years, and grief plays a huge part in this because spoiler: no matter how much time it passes, it still hurts.

i wish 13yo me didn't shut down completely and was able to process things instead, but apparently it's a job for 23yo me. i still need to fully accept that it is ok to miss my dad now even if i didn't let myself feel it for years, but i'm getting there. i have a million questions for him and I'll never get the answers. i still have to learn how to deal with it. this record hit like a ton of bricks.

so once again, after saving my ass with both badlands and manic at the most perfect time, h art came in at the right moment. i feel like something in me changed after listening to this album, exactly in the same way i felt in february. i felt my perspective shift again, for the better. I hope it'll last.

i might not be able to stitch my brain back together as fast as I'd like to, this shit will take time. i still have to fully convince myself that i can use the word 'will' instead of 'could' because i still dont really believe I'll make it lol, but one step at a time. I'm tired as fuck, but I'm trying.

i'm just so glad that i can do it while listening to the great impersonator. i needed this record so bad, it's unbelievable how someone who doesn't even know me is always able to give me exactly what i need when i need it. I'll forever be grateful for what she did and keeps doing for me through her music. this album means so much more than I'll ever be able to express

[18shadesofmay]

Jumping Off Could Be a Near-Life Experience

I’ve sat down yet again to squeeze thoughts out of myself to punch them out on a screen, hit “ctrl + s” and never think about it again.

This is always the hardest part, having the intention to create something, but not knowing how to without sampling all the other things that have, in their own tiny ways, been the reason behind your desire to write. And there’s always the little hope that you turn out to be intellectually related to Quentin Tarantino, the slight possibility that you could craft your own dream bungalow using one brick from every construction site on the planet.

I think I’m really just afraid. Maybe I look to recycle and compile ideas because I’m too scared to have one of my own. Because what if it plays out as a terrible smelly load of dreadfulness? What if, with all my humanity and flaws, and like all artists who have ever created something beautiful, I actually have a bad idea, and realise I’m not free of imperfections? What a Greek tragedy, skyscrapers would topple, the stock market might crash, Buddhists would start believing in money, or worse, I could get another bad idea. Instead, let’s just lounge and bask in admiration of the creative geniuses of the world, and keep our mouths shut. Because look at these idiots, they actually dared to be original, and look where that got them.

I love it when this happens. This thing that’s happening right now. I had nothing to write about, but I wanted to write anyway, so now I’m writing about having nothing to write about. It feels neat and rewarding when things line up for you. Or girls. Girls lining up for you is also pretty cool. Anyway, in the expression of the annoyance that writer’s block has eternally caused me, I have something original. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?

Although, it’d be nice to write something that comes from preparation and structure someday, for a change. This is gratifying and leisurely, but the dopamine rush I’ve always wanted isn’t going to brew itself. All I need to do is not reject every single piece of writing I ever decide to type up.

I’m looking for that flow of thought that drags my fingers along as they desperately try to keep up, almost mocking them for being so incapable, and I begin to forget what I had to type next, because I was too occupied putting together everything that came after. And when I’m done, the big breathy victory sigh that makes me realise I really need a glass of water because my breath stinks like rotting pork. The self-imposed expectation subversion, planning out five pages for the day but barfing out (metaphorically, you’re welcome) twenty on the trot without a hiccup. Saying to yourself “I’m gonna need a bigger boat” and feeling like a cooler Roy Scheider. And finally, locking your fingers together and doing the customary conclusion stretch that pops your knuckles like they had popcorn in them.

Of course, it’s all a fantasy. There’s no way all those things could happen to a single human being in a lifetime. It’d be unfair to people without this godly amount of fortune, meaning absolutely everyone. Does that mean though, that I shouldn’t strive for it? Does the lack of realism in a concept imply hopelessness, or is it a source of desire, urging us to at least try? Our constant pursuit of perfection is forever going to be an uphill battle. So do we just…give up? What’s the point, failure is inevitable.

I’m back here then, aren’t I? The weak earthling tendency of fear. The aversion to defeat. The phobia of the one thing that is virtually synonymous to progress. The reason I abandon almost every creative idea I start working on. The mere existence of the possibility that things may not work out the way you wanted them to. Somewhere in the fine difference between settling for mediocrity and being okay with it, you’ll find a roughed up little nightclub called “Just Not Giving a Fuck”, where the lights are always off and you can’t even see what you’re stepping on. The joint where you order a drink and have no way of knowing what the bartender will serve you.

Believe it or not, half the world was made here. Of course, the bouncers outside will have to deal with all the girls lining up for me, but I intend to be a regular customer. I just have to find this place, because life isn’t going to offer me the luxury of a spiritual version of Google Maps.

Look at that, I just stepped on Mark Zuckerburg’s Harvard underwear.

[nanase-haru]

{A.M.V.} Free!! x Uta no Prince-sama / Mamoru Miyano (Inspired): “Canon” (Second opening theme of Uta no Prince-sama Maji Love 2000%) {In that series, Miyano voices “Tokiya Ichinose”. This is not sung by “Tokiya” technically, but might give Tokiya’s image.} I used Miyano’s inspiration to make a Free!! A.M.V.! {It is my very first for this fandom, though I watched as it aired!}

Series: Free!! (C) Kyo-Ani “Canon” (C) Broccoli-Games / ELEMENTSGARDEN {Note: This is a FAN-work}

Characters/Pairs Featured: - RinHaru {Rin x Haru} - Rintori / NitoRin / RinAi {Rin x Aiichirou Nitori} - Ai x Rin x Haru as poly-ship or open relationships; (implied by the end) Feel free to view your preference!

My Commentary:

I would like to propose a Concept - Haru, Rin and Ai all have MULTIPLE HANDS. (This A.M.V. showcases the dynamics / story progression of all three; each of Haru and Ai with Rin, briefly, all acknowledging each other) Contains spoilers for: Free!! Seasons 1 & 2; {Rin; Haru; Ai scenes} “The Final Stroke” Part 2 start; but nothing specific from Final Stroke’s ending {Yet?}. (TFS Part 1 shows only in ‘scenic’ scene.) Others appear as support.

(Though I admit I am personally biased towards RinAi fandom-wise, I’ve also enjoyed the canon dynamic between Rin and Haru.) However, this work was partly made / inspired by an old mutual; this mutual really loved Rin+Haru dynamic too, so this is made in support! {They also like everyone as friends, as do I.} I’m not able to make much for this fandom usually (in the past, I did briefly rp {role-play} Ai, but do not actively write fic or anything much outside rp) but for the most part, this A.M.V. was very fun to make! Happy 10~ years anniversary to Free!! Time Spent: - About an hour and 30 min on the 1st verse + chorus. - Almost 4 and a half hours / a whole evening on the rest. - I am not even kidding when I say this thing must have crashed my editor (Windows Movie Maker... it’s an older version, sigh) at least x30+~50 times while attempting to finish Nitori’s scenes timing and the ending. As a result, this is technically a “first draft” (I know ending’s bit rushed, but I tried!) until I can go back and add in more timings and scene cuts! (Someday!...) - My editor tends to crash pretty frequently if I attempt 50+ clips; sometmes even after 20~ clips or so. This one has just about 40 clips, with bonus KyoAni’s own timings helping to smooth out the rest! - Sub-titles cannot be included at this time; I apologize! (However, lyric{s} below the ‘read more’!) It is recommended you view them in full (or in sections) before watching! - If you watch, I’d really love to hear your thoughts; I put a lot of effort in!

Summary:

“I only swim FREE!.” - Haru

... DO YOU?

“I feel so useless.” - Ai

“A sight you’ve never seen before...”

{Lyric[s] Preview!}:

Distant feelings on a {‘SILENT’} hill, … all of my love… (Get ready!)

“Do not tremble in this cruel world…” Through the kiss of a song, better than thousands of words

We can give something up ({I} swear to you) Just to live in this moment (Hold my hand) For your sake and for mine, we’re ready to take off now…together!

“SO, let’s GO!”

Your beloved voice becomes a powerful impulse That makes dreams reality As our heartbeats synchronize… Ah, exceeding even miracles, (Feel your song!) Up among the stars, (Feel my song!) Until that dream Reaches the unseeable FUTURE, I’ll PLAY this song! {“Free”}

I was scared of truth’s LIGHT…

(Lyric{s} via Uta-pri Wikia!)

“Canon” (description via Wiki): {no, not the fandom term.} In music, a canon is a contrapuntal (counterpoint-based) compositional technique that employs a melody with one or more imitations of the melody played after a given duration (e.g., quarter rest, one measure, etc.). The initial melody is called the leader (or dux), while the imitative melody, which is played in a different voice, is called the follower (or comes). The follower must imitate the leader, either as an exact replication of its rhythms Rand intervals or some transformation thereof. Repeating canons in which all voices are musically identical are called rounds. (For the meaning behind the title / theme!) {In the A.M.V., I semi-relate (if vaguely) this theme to all three characters; plus, more directly, make the comparison to Haru + Free!! AND Relay Medleys.} (There is vague inspiration from the original Uta-pri as well, but not intended directly comparable.)

The final chorus of the A.M.V. is one I had in mind ever since first hearing this song way back around Apr 2k13, when the second part of Uta-pri aired. It may be slightly more modified in a “final” version, but for the most part!...

Lyric[s]:

Distant {“Haruka”} feelings on a silent hill, all of my love… (Get ready!) [Haru <-> Rin] (+Haru; specifically...) “Do not tremble in this cruel world…” Through the kiss of a “song”, better than thousands of words We can give something up (I swear to you) Just to live in this moment (Hold my hand) For your sake and for mine, we’re ready to take off now…together! “So, let’s go!” Your beloved voice becomes a powerful impulse That makes dreams reality As our heartbeats synchronize… Ah, exceeding even miracles, (Feel your song!) Up among the stars, (Feel my song!) Until that dream Reaches the unseeable future, I’ll play this song! I was scared of truth’s light... [Ai -> Rin] Even at this great a DISTANCE, it’s too DAZZLING An unspeakable LONELINESS (No more crying) Thirsting for an impossible cure (Save my heart) [Ai <-> Rin] Since I met you, I’ve sworn to start living! The overlapping melodies of your voice seem to scorch my heart Resonating dreams echoing for eternity Like a sense of déjà vu, I knew today (Feel your love) A bloom of hope (Feel my love) An infinite rainbow Now our feelings are merging as we become one [Ai <-> Rin <-> Haru] The stars are waiting for the sky, they want to become a dream(?) The day will come when they bloom like a flower, and a rainbow awaits us on that day We’re ready to take off now…together! “So, let’s go!” Your beloved voice becomes a powerful impulse That makes dreams reality As our heartbeats synchronize… Ah, exceeding even miracles, (Feel your song!) Up among the stars, (Feel my song!) Until that dream Reaches the unseeable future, I’ll play this song! Feelings tied together on a shining hill…

[lumilasi]

Hiiii I was reading FS series and so far AM LOVING IT!! (That ending doe whyyy imma cri (;—;) and just, wanted to ask how u even came up with it? Do u have favorite parts?? (Or least fave, can't imagine that personally thou (〃´∀｀)) asdgfsssd sorry if this is random or weird I just really wanted to let u know I liked it a lot! Might've skipped sleep couple times ahahaha....(^���^);

Thank U for writing! Hope u have a great day!!!!!

Hi there, sorry for late reply! (got this last night basically lol) and don't worry! It's random but in a good way lmao

(Also, don't worry things get better if you continue reading the series, trust me C; But up to you of course! I know its a long ass story when you put all 3 fics together lmao)

Also pls don't skip sleep, sleep is good! Sleep is important haha

I can't recall exactly where the idea came from, I think I was just toying with the concept of "What if AFO WASN'T absolute horse shit of a parent & Somehow friends with Toshinori WITHOUT making All Might evil?" or something along those lines.

Hmmm....I do very much like that one scene, where Hisashi and Toshinori chat in a car, or more like Toshinori shares his woes with his friend, and Hisashi says something very simple, but it is very profound in the context of the story/their relationship. (I drew this scene and wrote a whole ass essay about why I loved the scene so much for some reason lmao).

Hisashi Kicking Toshinori outta hero form was also pretty fun, namely because you as a reader KNOW who Hisashi is (and Toshinori doesn't, yet), making the whole thing kind of ironic.

Also, Tenko pretending to be a starfish. It was just one of those cute kids train of thoughts moments I really liked writing. (Since I've drawn all these scenes in question, I'll plop the artworks here so this is not just a wall of text answer lol);

As for least fave, it is actually pretty typical (at least in my case lol) that there's always something I feel like I could've written better. Don't get me wrong I very much still love FS, but even my favorite story has some things that in hindsight...if I wrote the fic now, I'd do differently. Call it learning what works/what doesn't/what could work better and all haha!

These things are:

How Hisashi's brother died. I now feel like how it went down doesn't...quite fit with the kind of character Hisashi became. It was meant to be tragic, kind of accidental, but, ehhh...maybe it doesn't feel enough like an accident? Admittedly this detail is something I could easily go and change as it's just couple of lines of dialogue and a scene, but finding those bits would probably take ages. (Will I do this small but kind of significant change? Who knows, maybe someday lol, I did rewrite an entirety of Reanimate at one point, or well one half of it back in 2020)

The whole Todoroki family sub-plot. Now, the way it was written came from the current understanding of Endeavor's character at that time (pre Touya flashbacks) which, kind of...ironically ended up making me write him worse than he actually turned out to be in canon, (Enji's still a terrible, abusive father and a person ofc, don't get me wrong, but he's def. violent sooner in my fic, than he was in canon) and now, I'd probably approach that plotline differently with the new info I have.

Maybe I wouldn't make a full on redemption arc for Enji as, well, I don't really care about his character much outside the impact he's had on his family, but def. wouldn't have written him as violent as he came off, given the timing of things.

Maybe The Midoriyas could've prevented things from going to that point it ends up in canon, and get Touya to see he has more value than just living up to his dad's amibitions, and MAYBE Enji starting to see his son as an individual, rather than his extension.

Or something. IDK.

Like said, Enji's one of the more boring characters in bnha to me, which makes writing him/focusing on him kind of difficult, hence IDK if I'd be able to pull off such an idea easily. I feel like he has very little interesting substance (to me, this is subjective OFC) outside the whole "bad dad" plot, and as a cherry on top, his design just... manages to combine a lot of things I tend to find kind of unappealing to look at in a character lmao. It's not even rescued by his writing, like what happens with All Might for example.

In fact, if I can get away with not showing Enji on-screen in a story (Without just killing him off/putting him in jail, those aren't my favorite solutions to issues like this, and have only used the former, once), while still showcasing the negative effect he's had on Dabi (and/or Shoto) I will do it. Quite obviously, I did not feel like it'd work for FS, not having him be on-screen at all.

....Well this is a long answer, this last part got especially rambly, but kind of fitting given how long my stories tend to be too haha! Hope it satisfied your curiosity :D

[iriemorning]

return to sender

fluency in words comes with great expectations. as i was widely read since young, people hang on to what i say and so i often feel that looming pressure on my shoulder whenever i speak out and inform. in contrast, ideas breeze to me like petals in spring. i see all these foods for thought and i am a mere basket catching all of them. but whenever it's time for me to present them into something people can digest, my words don't come out easily—both written and orally.

analyzing literature pieces and academic papers are relatively easier, since you already have a source material to relate to (which is what my current degree is all about) the key there is finding twisted connections. you're not creating concepts out of thin air, unlike writing fiction. it is one of the most soul-sucking practice a human can ever do, so fermenting my ideas for a long period of time is a must. there are a lot of stories in my roster gathering dust for years, waiting for the miracle when i would finally have the time of day to write their first draft. but alas, i'm a chronic procrastinator; very much in love with outlining and daydreaming scenes more than actually putting the work to churn out words on the blank page.

nowadays i'm working on that weakness by writing a page everyday. it's a snail pace but i hope i can make it a habit in the long run.

there are fortunate times wherein i catch fully ripe fruits in my basket. my expertise is putting together various petals from different flowers altogether, creating a new, unique flower. ripe fruits though, is the quintessence of art in its absolute form. they come in my all-time favorites [TV shows and movies, animangas, comics, books, music videos, albums, paintings] and what im striving to make someday; to have a complete opus with my style and trademark.

but there are also terrible times wherein i receive unripe ones from the mail. my former colleagues, for example, have asked me for advice about their unfinished pieces. some even prompted me to revise the entire manuscript itself (that's like giving away free labor, being an editor is not for the weak), or changing the entire plot based on my suggestions. like woah, why would you trust me that much?

which is why i always walk on eggshells when giving out constructive criticism, or making offhanded remarks, because it might make or break someone's morale and negatively affect how they make their artwork. that's the last thing i want. i am a firm believer that we should all maintain creative autonomy on our own works, and how we live our life in general

so here is a big disclaimer: please treat whatever i say here in my blog (experiences, tips, realizations) with a grain of salt. they're rather N of 1 trials: i am a lifeseeking-researcher but i am also my own sole test subject, always putting myself in this microscopic stance with the rest of the world as a petri dish. i cannot guarantee that whatever works for me will also work for you. and just because i make direct eye contacts with the sun doesn't mean you'd also follow me and make yourself blind. the world is in constant flux, our cells are always regenerating, the energies are always changing. i grow everyday, and some epiphanies i get may not be applicable anymore the day after tomorrow, or a year later.

only take whatever seems useful for you in my basket of confectionery then leave the rest, at your own discretion; maybe even pass it on to the next person.

and there's more: ever heard of unwanted deliveries? annoying calls from unregistered numbers masking themselves as urgent? there are times when i receive these rotten fruits; situations that seemingly require my immediate attention and action but doesnt really fit my forte in life. i am just like any other twenty-something-year-old-woman, living my normal college life, having silly little crushes, spending my teensy-weensy outdoor moments reflecting because i didn't do that when i was young (i was just like any other rebellious teen too, not so special). so i could have been any of you. i am not a superhero, a mad scientist, nor an aspiring cult-leader. just a creatively-constipated storyteller

if you still wanna stick around, then welcome to my humble abode (maybe even cure my word constipation... is that a yes?)

but if i receive unwarranted energies, trust that i will send it back to your address

with love, xx

[the-firebird69]

Gumball 3000 2013: John Cena's InCENArator

Now the guys who designed and built this what the licensing and it's long since passed it's been over 10 years and I said go blow you're crazy and you can't give him the licensing it's Trump and his crew if you're getting the licensing they tell you what to do and I'll just say don't do anything and you can't not do anything and he doesn't want any kind of deal other than that so I said you're crazy and BG wants to race so our friend here is saying you can sponsor BG Trump this is the race and this is what it means and I know what you're saying what you're saying is it means we're going to go back after the ships and even though he's not against us we need the ships and we're going to go after the max it'll just be a race we went against him I now figured out something it's kind of a gentleman's way of saying it. I might sponsor BG but then again I might not I don't want to be in the way this race has to go for us and we have to win we have to pick ourselves up and do it I kind of designed this car I know how to make it and I can make it on a Corvette chassis and he says I can help make it so that's stupid now John Cena will be a problem let me know what to do about that we're fighting him to the Bone and a friend says the car probably won't get Bill and it's going to go down it's another bust

Trump

Tell you what I think I can make that car and I can take BG's place and the symbolism will still be there and that's why the movie happened it's a friendly thing it really isn't but we're a mess that's what's happening and yeah they'll take me back for a thousand years and it's over at 2000 and that's what it said sometimes so he knows what it means he's not real deep about it but he knows now I'm going to go ahead and do this and he wants me to he says the whole has to be made of something 2,000 plus and I get that and it might do metal it's lighter it's not then we are beating then Arnold repeating it's a concept and he gets it and I say this it doesn't look like that and they're going to blab all over the place probably blab themselves out of it. Now they're going to try and do it and they're going to run into John Cena and we are too and we need to at the same time over this car and we noticed something he has one and it's fast as hell and John Cena says it's about the right life and we keep making them too long and too big and Hera is smiling with the PowerHouse is big and it's mid engine and you need a Corvette so he said to take the new Corvette and you keep the new Corvette intact to put it back together and you build a new chassis and I'm going to do that too so Ben arnolds you're on and it's for steaks too real Omaha steaks and someday he says it and he says Sunday I can come over and have them but he won't know who won or lost and that's stupid the president is serving the stakes one in the so he's going to know but she will hold the secret we'll have to get her to tell and we'll have to figure it out that sounds great

Mac daddy

Olympus

So our friend here says my nephew-in-law says now what does that mean and it's saying it to him in a future movie with the Indian motorcycle the one holding the steak and he knows it they both know she gets him to forget things fast with the max. Now we're going to head with this idea and the car and that is an awesome car and Max says he has one and you say he has one and he's going to make some modifications he says

Ben Arnold

So it's a little bit messed up it is a bit too high of a profile and I do have to knock it down I did see it's up too high the door opens not like you see when it's close the whole house goes forward like you said but boy that's a lot safer and I didn't know if the slide would work I know how to do that and I'm going to do that it's not minor you have to rebuild it because the molds will be different and as a matter of fact I think you're right I'm going to make the mold for metal it's going to be a real car and he said that actually kit cars are coming out as metal and it's true they are you still need a frame I might try his stitch frame and it says it's lighter and I know it is and you don't have to weld it so I have stuff in testing and I know which one to use and I can send it into ASTM now to get it done and really the Bolton stitch works so well it is so weird and he says you can make motorcycles and I want to make a company recycled motorcycle company I recycled motors but it'll be the name and we can pump these frames out you can send them in the mail almost anybody can get one and he'd have to off-road ones but we got to get going on it and yeah this guy Trump has turned massively evil and he's going to compete with us they already have a car but this is a kit car and his is not and he says that we have to do the race it's a priority and all such other stuff but really we know what it means now we're competing with each other too much it's going to show that and BG gets upset. But here's how it goes he wants to have a bubblegum run and it'll be all these kit cars old and new and it's bubble gum because we're all sitting there yapping and blowing bubbles and people say no these kit cars work and for Christ's sake of you so stupid you must try to bring the humbug and he says I have a better one it's a Bradley he says it's better being both and Jenna will want the humbug she says that's crazy he says the original Volkswagen this is going to be fun bubblegum run and he wants to have all sorts of bazooka Joe there and jawbreakers as a matter of facts a big symbol in racing and you see it before is the world but it's not a joke it's it's a run it's not a rally you get judged on your car and this judges and the trophy he wants to have a big bubble gum ball it looks like when it's not a real one a big jawbreaker with the guy that's made this gold in the whole thing but kind of on one shoulder or it could be holding it we know it's just appropriate because it's a it's a challenge okay this is a feat and this kid here is done a bunch of them and he's made real cars real ones this real car is coming out Mercedes has one like it and Reynolds it just does not do the same thing this is awesome this car is so damn fast and yeah it needs to be lowered he'll stand the road it's too much lift I can't stand this anymore we have to do this and the bubblegum run and we think John Cena and we hope that he comes up with one too and joins the race as a matter of fact that's how we can do it but us too we're going to race it is going to be it too I have to rebuild mine he says why not race as it is cuz we thought it was the best and we rebuild the cars to race again so if I beat him with my car he's going to rebuild it and I'll have to rebuild mine and then Arnold says good and that's how we are we know how it works

Mac daddy

Olympus

You have to help his mom these people helped us for many many years and they're being very mean to them and you guys are too and you have to stop you have to see what this house is all about and what's in it and your idiots go out there but people take the books and read them and we should put them in the national archives and he doesn't want them there but okay

Mac daddy

That would be great otherwise you're going to be lost they are going to be lost and we wrote a lot of books and their textbooks on taboo subjects that are written in a university code meaning if they're poor weather University would require

Cammilla

Oh God we didn't know that

Trump

You never know now let's get some of those

Sarah

Yeah cool right but we need to see it and we'll bring it to the national archives it's hard to do they're relaxed but really they're not protected

Becka

The Max wants them destroyed

Cammilla

[mrs-gauche]

Let me revisit this real quick, because this is just too juicy! 😂

Okay, so we all know that mural depicting a Titan's death with its heart in the center, along with this recurring star symbol. What's more, the Titan seems to be split in half, which is very interesting, considering that we've seen half of that same star symbol in the semi-circles on the "tambourine mural" from the 2018 teaser.

Which imo, pretty much confirms the theory that the Evanuris obtained the Titans' hearts in order to create the orbs/foci/vessels of dreams that were part of what made them so god like powerful. Especially because the tambourine mural aligns perfectly with the depiction of the elven pantheon in the 2022 cinematic.

Notice how the symbols representing Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain are the only ones "lit up".

We speculated that the elven gods are connected to the Old Gods, of which only two are still sleeping. But if this is true and this star symbol in the semi-circles on the tambourine is in fact depicting an orb/Titan's heart for each of the elven gods, then how are these orbs connected to the Old Gods?

- Seven semi-circles with two of them “lit”. - Seven Old Gods, two of them still sleeping. - Seven Evanuris that were banished when Solas created the Veil, two of them now freed. - Seven mirrors shattering on the vinyl cover. - Seven gates of the Black City, which Kordillus Drakon prophesied will someday shatter and cover both the mortal and spirit realms in darkness.

And speaking of shattering, we've also seen how the tambourine, which we assume to represent the Veil, got more and more broken with each new "update" BioWare has put out since 2018.

The key word here is "broken". Because these broken/crumbling/ floating rocky pieces have been all over DA4's design/promotional stuff.

Putting the rest under a cut because of length!

We see it in the title itself, the game's icon(?) and in the background of the official website. Glowing cracks and floating rocky pieces.

We see the cracks all over the map of Thedas in the 2023 teaser.

Like the world itself is literally breaking apart.

In the new official cover, Rook is standing on some rocks emanating purple light.

Then we have this super suspicious floating rocky object in the concept art(?) of Solas' ritual.

So, how does all of this fit together?

Are the Old Gods all connected to a Titan's heart/orb? And what does that mean for the Blights happening every time an Old God gets corrupted? Where are those other orbs? Did they get corrupted, too?

One theory assumes that the Forgotten Ones are actually the Titans. Legends say that Fen'Harel sealed the Forgotten Ones in the Abyss, while the Creators were sealed in the Heavens. If you put two of the murals in Trespasser together and flip the images, it puts the dead Titan beneath the Black City within the circle, which we assume represents the Veil. Like there's a dead/sleeping Titan trapped inside the Fade along with the elven gods and the Black City. 👀 Sky and Earth.. Heaven and Abyss...

And then there's the visual in the 2022 cinematic, which makes it look like the Veil is "shattering" or "breaking", much like the waking world itself looks like it's breaking apart?

Then there's also all these symbols of an eye in front of a bursting sun (that is mostly associated with the Chantry but the sun imagery comes up in a lot of different places, too)...

And I can't stop thinking about how this eye in particular always reminded me of the single eye depicted on the Titan's head in Trespasser...

...and that one theory that it might have been part of a dead Titan that was used to create Mythal's "moon" in Dalish mythology, creating the eclipse we see on the vinyl cover art. Like there's literally part of a dead Titan's body that was formed into a moon to block the sun....

"An Eclipse as Fen'Harel stirred."

Why does it almost look like Solas is trying to summon a friggin meteor or a "mini moon" or something in this image?? 😂

Is it coincidence that the strongest spell in Solas'/the Rift mage specialization tree is "Firestorm", where you literally summon flaming meteors from the Fade?? And why do I feel like Solas' ability to turn people into stone is connected to all of this as well, but I have no idea how and I'm going insaneeeee. w(ﾟДﾟ)w

Have we talked about how the drums in the background of this theme sound like a heartbeat and how that in turn reminds me of the sound of a Titan's heart.....

.....and how the beat in the track stops right when the key changes at 1:15, like something really bad happens and the heart just stops beating right there, but I'm sure I'm reading way too much into this and this has no meaning whatsoeverrrr. 👀👀👀👀

"Your hand hurts. A heartbeat, not yours, hammering the beat of a song in its final verse. I'm sorry."

Also, the part at 1:45 is so reminiscent of the beginning of Origins' main theme, because it uses that same wind instrument and how cool is that??

[superpeanutgarden]

Christmas Emotions: Why I will never hang a shining star upon the highest bough

Content Warning: A massive rant about grief, plus personal trauma

I have a complicated relationship with the month of December. Not just in the traditional Living-in-the-northern-hemisphere-it's-dark-and-cold-and-I'm-depressed way.

You see, I experienced a traumatic separation from my adopted brother when I was thirteen. (I mean, my whole family did. it has left us all affected in different ways.) His birthday is in December.

We lost custody on Memorial Day weekend (a fact I did not remember until this year), but his birthday is halfway through December.

He turned 19 this year. (We lost custody 13 years ago.) The name we gave him (probably not his name anymore) was Jared. It sounds like a shitpost, but my sibling and I were robbed of- among other things- a whole year of "Jared, 19, never fucking learned how to read" jokes.

Grief is hard. It's messy and weird in ways you can never truly know or understand until you experience it. The longing of something that will never happen again, wishing that it was all a dream, hating how other people get to be happy and hating yourself for being bitter in the face of joy. The thing that annoys me the most is when people try to erase the ugly parts. (Not just of grief, but that's the focus of this blog post.) Specifically when people ignore how grief affects you for the rest of your life. It never stops, never fully goes away, never truly dulls. It only gets smaller, less frequent, more surprising.

December is a whole freaking month devoted to hope and community. The commodification of the sacred tradition of solidarity has sanitized the concepts to the point of being almost entirely repugnant. There were several years where I could not bear to listen to any christmas music written during the last 100 years because it was too happy and did not reflect the rage and emptiness I felt. Thankfully I am past that point, but it took a lot of reflection and intentional thinking to get here. We're talking three years minimum where all I wanted to listen to were hymns that focused on the fact that December is a month of darkness and cold, and how the concept of hope was once (and still might be) far away and hard to grasp.

To this day, there is a single song that sets me off every time I hear it. I call it "the cowards version of Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas". According to urban legend, the original lyrics were deemed 'too depressing' to be featured in the film "Meet Me in Saint Louis" by Judy Garland herself. I don't personally care why there are two versions around. One faces the reality that I have had to live with the past 13 years, that countless others face every year, and one erases it. It's not a big difference, there's only a single line that changed. "Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow" became "hang a shining star upon the highest bough." and that change infuriates me every time I experience it. Let me show you why

"Someday soon, we all will be together/ if the fates allow/ until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow/ and have yourself a merry little christmas now."

The song overall discusses how the singer is separated from their loved ones. Some, maybe even most, of the "faithful friends who are dear [...] gather near [...] once more", but there above quoted verse implies that there is someone still missing; perhaps more than one person. And yet, the singer urges the audience not to wait for those missing loved ones to return in order to find joy. Because sometimes it isn't that your sibling has moved out and your parents and little brother went up north to visit family and you have the house to yourself for Christmas Day. Sometimes the person you're missing is gone for years, sometimes they're never coming back. And what are you going to do about it? You can't just put your life on hold. TO quote another song entirely "the years start coming and they don't stop coming". Until they come back from vacation, or deployment, or self-inflicted isolation, or until you are all reunited in the afterlife, we all have to muddle through somehow. Can't go back, can't stand still, gotta move forward and find a way to have a merry little christmas with the people you still have.

Hope is beautiful, but it is also messy and those who need it most are often marred with blood and trench-dirt and rubble-dust and scorch-marks. (for God's sake, there's a fucking genocide going on in Palestine right now) Grief never goes away, but neither will I. My family will have to muddle through somehow for the rest of our lives, and by all the gods who care to listen, we will have ourselves a Merry Little Christmas right fucking Now, and we will honor the gaping hole in the fabric of our family but we will NOT allow it to rob us of more than it already has.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Free Palestine

[wibble-wobbegong]

oh man i can’t believe i forgot about the mike hostage theory for a minute there. the situations and circumstances that are running through my brain again

[purgemarchlockdown]

I'm so sorry but I'm so very Mahiru-brained that I'm putting this in the main body of text.

There's something so very interesting to me about Mahiru's mindset and conflict. Mahiru can be so deeply insensitive and hurtful and not out of any sort of malice. When she pressures Es in the T1 VD that they'll understand love eventually and that everyone finds love eventually even though Es is clearly uncomfortable after a certain point that isn't cause Mahiru thinks Es is Wrong or anything. She really does believes that Everyone Wants and Should have the standard heterosexual romantic relationship.

T1 VD:

Es: I honestly have no interest in those matters.  Mahiru: What? No, no. There’s no such thing as that. Being in love is like a landmine. It’ll explode someday, you know? The only thing that differs is whether it happens earlier or later in life. It’ll happen to you too. Even if you don’t have any interest in it now, one day it’ll explode for you as well. All because you’ll have that fateful encounter with your special someone.

The Amatonormativity is Strong in this one.

Even then Mahiru's love is...weirdly impersonal, not in the sense of there's no emotion but that it's so heavily idealized, romanticized and abstracted from what Relationships are like, it really feels like Mahiru is more in love with the Concept of love than the person involved in that relationship.

She puts it best in Two ways.

One: This is How to Be In Love With You immediately sets up the more harmful side of Mahiru's love. "This is how to be" it's like a guidebook title, this is how you (her boyfriend) is Supposed to be loved. Mahiru is Assuming she knows what her boyfriend would like and not really...considering what he feels.

Mahiru's boyfriend as a person does not matter as much as what Mahiru gets from it (an ideal hetero romance straight out of a fairytale.)

The second one is this:

Mahiru: [disappointed] I have a pretty poor vocabulary, so I can’t describe it beyond clichéd phrases. But, I’m sure you’ll understand, prison guard! Once you fall in love, you’ll definitely get it! 

Again her view of love is so romanticized to the point of active harm to her relationships, she Can't view it outside of those cliches and assumptions so when those cliches come to face with the Reality of maintaining a relationship it breaks down.

(Also she's still pressuring Es...Mahiru please-)

And Mahiru did some Bad Things. I remember listening to This is How To Be In Love With You and being surprised by the breakup ritual line.

Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual, Is because I love you

Mahiru Just Told Us she "tests" her boyfriend (which can mean...a lot of things, none of them good if you want to develop a healthy relationship) and that they (probably) keep on breaking up or get close to breaking up but get back together anyway.

Plus, again, Mahiru feels in love with love, not in love...as in attracted to another person. She might be, I dunno, but it feels like the idea and concept of love is more appealing to her than what is actually involved in love. This is How to Be In Love With You is a magazine, so the idea that love is something you market and buy seems to be a thing with Mahiru.

I'm a bit tired so I can't go too indepth but Mahiru's story seems to be connected to a lot of ideas of the pressures of love and romance in a society, especially on women, get married, get kids. All of that.

It goes right back into the marketing thing, love is something your told to want and buy, if you miss out on love then you miss out on Everything that matters.

(Extra notes: It's interesting to me that Mahiru will talk about how she'll smoke if her lover smokes and what not and yet she can be very pushy and what not. It's also deeply concerning that Mahiru is willing to do something so destructive for the sake of sharing something with her partner. It's interesting to me how it seems like Mahiru wants to morph herself into the ideal wife for anyone that accepts her confession...I just think its intriguing.)

I can't reply to them immediately, but you all should send your Fuuta or Mahiru thoughts 👉👈

[barry-j-blupjeans]

can I please get a #17 with blup (with a side of taako, if you're feeling it), thank you, you're amazing

17. “I’m pretty sure she/he’s my soulmate.”

((fluff prompts here - still accepting!!))

--

There was rarely been a situation where Taako couldn't cheer Lup up. Ever since they were babies, he'd always at least been able to drag a smile out of her. One of their cousins- he can't remember which, but it was very earlier on- took them in when they were four. He, apparently, had been around for a while when they were babies, and much to Taako and Lup's endless four-year-old annoyance, he wouldn't stop pinching their cheeks and telling them how cute they had been. Taako didn't remember a lot of his stories, but he does remember that, according to their cousin, any time Lup would cry as a baby, Taako would flop over to her and hold onto her so tightly she'd just seem to forget what she was crying about.

That was his thing. He could make Lup laugh when no one else could. He could make her smile even on the really shitty days. She was the other half of his heart and never wanted to think about the idea that this neverending apocalypse might someday kill Lup, but not kill him. They had both died three times so far, but they had been together. Always together.

That rule couldn't be applied to the rest of the crew.

Lup was already up when Taako woke up. Though, judging by how she looked, she might not have slept at all. The bags under her eyes were pronounced and the edges of her eyes themselves were red. She was sitting at the desk in their quarters, resting her head on her hands, and looking down at one of Lucretia's journals.

Yesterday had been... rough, to put it nicely. They weren't very far into this cycle, but it had been a doozy so far. The whole concept of humans didn't exist on this plane. That in itself wasn't too unusual. They had come across planes missing different things that they considered to be "normal". Taako was still mourning the plane that had no idea what a strawberry was. A missing race wasn't too uncommon in the long run. It got them so weird stares when they went out, sure, but...

But not like this.

Taako felt shitty too if he was being honest. Seeing three of your friends get killed wasn't a great way to start the year off. He was kind of- processing it? Maybe? It hadn't really hit yet, he didn't think. Losing Magnus wasn't unusual, with all the stupid shit he got into, but Magnus, Lucretia, and Barry in one fatal swoop? Yikes.

"Hey," Taako said, sitting up. "You, uh... you good?"

"No," Lup said, not moving her eyes from the journal. "I'm not."

Okay, well, at least she could admit it. That had to count for something. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, walking the few steps it took to get to the desk. He hoisted himself up to sit on top of it.

The journal page was open to a drawing of Barry and Davenport tinkering with the engine. Taako drummed his fingers on the desk.

"You wanna talk about it, or?" Lup didn't respond. Taako hesitated for a second, and then said cheerfully, "so the locals here don't seem to like us very much."

"Please don't joke about it right now," Lup said. She put her head in the palms of her hands, sighing. "I'm- tired. Of this."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Lup said. "It's like, every time something good happens, we've gotta deal with ten other bad things. Like, gods-forbid we take a fuckin' cycle to rest because then half the crew gets blasted on the first day!" She pulled at her hair, groaning. "How the hell did we go from a beach paradise to this awful fucking world!? Like, what's the system? Or are we just gonna have to keep drawing random cards and watching everyone die?"

That was... a bit heavy for nine in the morning. Lup snapped the journal shut and thunked her head down onto the desk, defeated.

"This seems like... more than just them dying," Taako said slowly. Lup's hands gripped into a fist, but she didn't interrupt. "And I'm, uh, I'm gonna take a wager and say this is not because of something Luce did. Or Magnus."

"Barry didn't do anything," Lup said, muffled by the desk.

"I'm not saying he did something," Taako said. "I'm just saying that like, you- you've got like this thing with Barry-"

"I don't have a thing with Barry," Lup said.

"Mhhh," Taako said, unconvinced.

"I don't have a thing with Barry," Lup repeated, not even sounding sure of herself now. "It's just. A shitty situation."

"Right," Taako said. "And Merle doesn't have a thing with plants."

"Taako," Lup said, sitting up again. "Can you just- stop that? Like, you've been going on and on about Barry and me all the time and I just want like- a fucking second. Can I have a second?"

"Okay," Taako said, a little more subdued. Lup's shoulders slumped. He looked away, towards the floor, or the bed, or anywhere but Lup. "Okay, yeah. Sure. You can keep pretending it's not there-"

"Taako-"

"But like, it's not gonna do you any good! I'm just saying that the sooner you fuckin' own up to it, the sooner you can get all the hurt out of the way. That's all I'm saying."

"It's not that easy," Lup said.

"Uh-huh."

"Taako don't- don't do that."

"I'm not doing anything."

"You're-" Lup gestured to him. "Y'know."

Taako didn't say anything, now very interested in the pattern of their carpet. Lup sighed and pushed her chair out, turning to him. Taako pretended like he didn't want to look back. After a very uncomfortable and tense minute, Lup cleared her throat.

"I have a thing for Barry," she said. Taako glanced toward her, raising his eyebrows.

"And...?"

"And it sucks," Lup said, slumping down in her chair. "Because we all keep dying and shit. And he's human, so even if we do stop the Hunger, then we're just kinda like... there's not a lot of time left for him. Let alone us."

"And?" Taako prompted again.

"And I feel selfish," Lup said, which was not at all what Taako had expected her to say next. "I wish this situation had never existed, I wish the Hunger had never been made, but if I'm being honest, Taako? Completely honest? I'm glad I'm here because I never would have looked at Barry twice otherwise. He's one of the kindest, most intelligent people I know but I never would have given him a second thought back home. Every time he dies, I remember that in literally any other situation, I wouldn't care about him."

"But you do," Taako said, suddenly feeling a lot smaller. The whims of fate were unpredictable and impossible to understand. No one knew where they were going to be placed in life, but it was all just part of whatever plan fate had in mind. And for Lup? That was Barry. For Taako...?

"You're my heart, Taako," Lup said, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing. "You will always be a part of me and I will always be a part of you- but... I think Barry's my soulmate. I'm not incomplete with you, and I never have been, but he just... He fits me. You know?"

"I think so?" Taako said.

"I'm tired," Lup said, looking a little teary. "I'm tired of running and dying and all of that shit, but he's- he's worth it for me, Taako. I didn't know when he died last time, but I do now, and it's- it's kinda tearing me apart from the inside out. I don't know how to describe it."

"I think I got it," Taako said, a little more certain. "You..." He took a deep breath and Lup wiped away a tear, looking a little abashed. "You're really lucky it's Barry on the crew and not like, Greg Grimaldis or some shithead like that."

Lup snorted so hard she started coughing, leaning back on the desk chair and wheezing out little giggles. The pit in Taako's stomach closed up a little. His heart felt a little less heavy. Lup wiped away more tears, breaking out into laughter any time she looked over at him.

"I do think I get it though," Taako said as Lup started to calm down a little bit. "Not... exactly? I don't think I'm gonna get it exactly. But I trust you."

"I'm not trying to replace you," Lup said with a watery smile. "I could never."

"There's no one else like Taako, baeby," he said instead of I know, instead of I love you. For Lup, there was Barry. For Taako- well, Lup was right. They were already complete. Maybe Lup and Barry could slot in together nicely, but Taako couldn't bring himself to want anything like that as long as he had her. "You can't even try."

"Like I could ever even want to," Lup said.