#i might put out a poll at some point idk

[coltkaneko]

okay i finished replaying te 1&2 and here my Thoughts

i think it's rlly underrated! i think people like it, but also don't appreciate it enough. like i feel like everyone was kinda eh on book two but i enjoyed it. it wasn't as good as book one and the pacing was a bit off, but it's still good. kane was a fun villain and i think the morality feature was interesting. it's a fun world that is pretty immersive considering it touches every aspect of the story. it strikes the right balance between world saving stuff and fun college shenanigans. i think atlas is a fantastic character and they add so much to the story. i think they're one of the best non li characters pb has ever written.

idr if it was supposed to get a book three or not? i mean like i wish it would have, and they way it left off it could have gone either way. like with the way they introduced the high attuned and the language they used to describe the last chapter it seemed like they had an idea. but the way it ended with atlas and their mom was so rushed and contradicted gemma's exit by bringing alma back. my guess is that book three might have gotten canceled while they were writing it or while it was airing even so they had to pivot. it's honestly kinda weird that it ended where it with it only being their sophomore year.

as far as the lis go, it proved to me how much more i enjoy the multi-li and non customizable li format. i love the pend pals dynamic as well, and how there is no default best friend female li. in book one, i think it's pretty balanced between all of the lis (except aster but she does become an li much later.) book two however........ now i am a beckettmancer and he is one of my top five lis of all time BUT...... he legitimately has a special diamond scene almost every chapter where i don't think aster even got one. it was truly insane. there were a lot of opportunities to pick who you wanted to spend time with though which was nice branching. but if you are not a beckettmancer i can't imagine how unbearable all of the scenes would be lmao. i rmr at the time how much everyone fucking hated him

[theinfinitedivides]

WHAT THE F*CK ACTUALLY.

[smallishzine]

At Long Last, a Timeline. Kind of. Actually Not Really. But It’s Not NOT a Timeline!

hello everybody! Sorry that I’ve been kinda inactive, real life is annoying and is an obstacle to my weirding on the internet time and one of these days I will destroy it… unfortunately, overcommitting to things and then panicking about it is my middle name, so I’m kinda booked for like the next ever, so here is the general timeline I have constructed: mod applications will likely come out some time next month to give me some breathing room which I will likely do nothing important with because I’m irresponsible. It’s also possible they might come out sooner it really depends on like stuff ig you guys asked for so much stuff on the new form and putting all that in while still actually asking the stuff I need is taking like forever. To the person who sent in an ask about dms and helping out and stuff, first of all thank you, second of all good to know that my general lack of organization is that obvious, third of all, yes I would appreciate help but also I don’t really have time to focus on the zine for a bit, and then the first thing that I’m going to do is send out mod applications, which you said interested you, so um I’m not really sure how to finish this sentence but hopefully what I mean is clear enough. So anyway once all the mods are … officiated? Selected? Volunteered as tribute? Idk the terminology. We will form a discord server that, since I’m making it, will be utterly chaotic. Then I will pass the job of being actually responsible and planning ahead like some sort of planner or something on to someone actually capable of prolonged coherence. From there I’ll probably release some polls about when people want contributor applications to be held and stuff but yeah I just reread this and realized that this clarifies precisely nothing other than the fact that I have not in fact been brutally murdered and am still alive and as perfectly sane as before. Good morning and in case I don’t see ya good afternoon good evening and good night may the force be with you on wednesdays we wear pink only the meek get pinched the bold survive when I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band byyyyeeee! (5 points to you if you got all those references)

[papil0nglegs]

Fallen angel!Adam x Moth Healer!Reader

Chapter 3: The beautiful light

(Ch.1) (Ch.2) (Ch.3)

Warnings: Swearing, nightmares, cannibalism, and smoking

A/n: Just wanna thank all the peeps that were able to vote on the poll I made a few days ago <33 Had no idea what to do for the story so voting really helped me. Also this one’s kinda L O N G, I just had a lot of ideas for this part. (Also this song just reminded me of this fic listen to it PLS)

Adam’s pov:

Another weird ass dream, ever since I moved in this chicks hip-dip apartment I’ve been getting them. It’s mostly the day of the extermination, I can’t believe I didn’t turn back as soon as they started fighting back. Now I let everyone in heaven down, even Lute.

Whatever, I need to go wiz. I should probably stay quiet otherwise that butterfly bitch might wa-

Third dream pov (idk what to call it):

Before Adam can finish his thoughts, he looks towards the mirror, revealing his angel form but severely injured, and with a large gaping wound in his chest, surrounded by blood. Adam lets out a startled yelp, backing up against the bathroom door, awakening him.

Normal third pov:

Adam wakes up, startled at his new dream. He had still been lying on the couch, but his eyes wider than ever. He sits up, some of the leather couch sticking against his sweaty body, scratching the back of his head. The grey morning sky shined between the window blinds, he wanted to go back to sleep, but who could after a dream like that?

Adam rushes to the bathroom, quickly opening the door and turning on the lights, heading straight to the mirror. He gently touches his left horn, feeling a mix of relief but also disappointment that he’s back in his new body.

A lousy cough escapes his chapped lips, feeling that his throat is dry, and decides to get water from the kitchen tap, grabbing a mug and filling it up with water. Sure it tasted weird and warm, but he didn’t care. He chugged the nearly the whole thing in one sip, with some water spilling from the cup to his chin hairs. Adam slams the cup against the table.

Suddenly, a displeasing alarm goes off in the distance. He realizes that he’s not alone in here, what could that alarm be for tho? Y/n steps out of from her room still in her pajamas, yawning.

“Oh Adam!... What are you doing up this early?” She asks while heading to the kitchen. “I dunno man, just felt like it.” He responds in annoyance, “What are you doing up this early? You’re the one with the annoying ass alarm.”

Y/n rolls her eyes a bit while opening the fridge and taking out a box of frozen waffles, “I just have somethings to do today, so I thought I’d wake up early. I’m planning to pick up something from cannibal town.” She begins putting some waffles in a toaster while making herself a latte. “Gasp, you should totally come!!” Y/n exclaims excitedly.

Adam looks alarmed, offended even, and just stairs in confusion. “Y/n, why in the fuck, would I want to go anywhere, in this miserable place.” He says in a brutally honest manner. “I mean seriously, are you blind? Have you seen what goes on out there??” Adam pulls y/n to the window opening the blinds, revealing a guy getting his brains blown out.

Y/n cringes at the sight, “okay yeah it’s not great, but cannibal town is pretty enjoyable! Cmon you’ll see what I mean when we go there, plus you get to try out those wings of yours.” She says pointing at his scaly two scaly things, leading Adam to spread one of them a bit.

Y/n stares at Adam waiting for an answer, he sighs in annoyance, “eugh, fine I’ll go. Whatever means I can crash in here.” She then jumps in excitement, “Yess!! Also you’re going to have to pay at least half of the rent here if you wanna stay.” (He really thought 😭)

Time skip: 2hours

Adam waits on the couch waiting for y/n to finish up getting ready, y/n was lucky to find her old roommates clothes in his size. He has a leather jacket, along with black jeans and a Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt. He’s wearing the same boots he wore when he got here tho, he thought they’d look good with his jacket. Adam flinches at the sudden steps of y/n who just finished up, walking in the room.

“Sorry, I didnt scare you did I?” She says chuckling whilst brushing her hair. She had a long forest green skirt, along with a brown laced top and a cardigan that only reached her elbows. “So do you wanna fly or walk there? I can teach you how!”

Adam realizes, he has to pretend he doesn’t know how to fly, otherwise she might get suspicious. He assumes that since one angel has fallen, then there must be a shit ton. He can’t let her know that he’s the reason for the exterminations. “yeah, yeah totally totes you can definitelyteachmehowtoflymanandstuffhahahha” He rambles on while his eyebrows are furrowed and making finger guns to him, noticeably sweating his ass off.

Y/n notices this, then coming to a conclusion. “I know why you’re nervous, Adam..” She says gently, while looking up at him. Adam panics, nearly choking on his spit, “Ar-Ar you serious?”

“Yeah..

you must be afraid of heights!” She exclaimed happily, truly a eureka moment for this woman. Adam sighs in relief, the most unbearable relief anyone has ever felt. “I knew it from the moment I saw you, it’s always the tall ones.” She says shaking her head. “We don’t have to fly, Adam. It’s only a mile or two away, we’ll get there in no time!” Y/n adds picking up her messenger bag. “Now, let’s get going!” She says with a bright smile.

As they step onto the sidewalk, y/n notices that Adam seems a bit cautious. Normally when he was in hell it was to commit a massacre, not having to worry about a sinner hurting them because-well they couldn’t at the time. But now things are different, he’s one of them now.

“Relax,” Y/n starts, “just stay out of trouble, and stick with me. Oh and also watch your step, these guys are open to just taking a dump anywhere they’d like.”

The two begin to walk on the dirty sidewalk, y/n being extra careful about where she’s walking, but Adam doesn’t really mind stepping on a used condom or some junkies bag of coke.

“So, what’s it like up there?” Y/n asks, Adam gets alarmed at her question, stuttering a bit. “uuuUUP WHERE?”

“On earth! I heard that the sky is blue instead of red. And the animals there are not as scaly” y/n begins to stroke the soft hairs on her left wing, she was truly torturing this poor man. “How do the animals look here?” He asks, before y/n can respond,

splat!

A large red fleshy snake falls onto the ground, not really moving that much, just there. “I think that should answer your question” y/n then walks over the seemingly dead snake, while Adam does the same.

“So like, what do you guys do here all day?” Adam questions while sneering at the explicit posters causally displayed out in the open. “I mean, that depends on who you’re asking. Most people go on a rampage as soon as they get here, at least from what I see.” Y/n shrugs. “But sometimes you find a stable part of hell, or at least as stable as hell can be.” Adam becomes slightly intrigued about what she’s saying about hell. “Like, I work at a cafe around here. It’s nice but it’s a bit hard to keep up the wage when angels and demons wreck the place every now and then.” She says sadly, Adam feeling a wave of shame, that she has to live in constant fear while working because of others, and sometimes him.

Eventually, both y/n and Adam finally enter cannibal town. Adam being a bit wary, since he sees many familiar faces around the place, but not for good reason. Y/n then noticing, “Adam? You don’t look so good, is something wrong?” She questions. Adam begins to snap out of his cautious mode, “uhh, yeah?It’s not like on earth people are open to just eating each other out in the open-and NOT in the good way.” He scoffs, pointing to a gentlemen eating another’s guts out. “Oof, Rosie might wanna get that checked at.” Y/n says looking over at where Adam is pointing.

“And who the hell is Rosie??” Adam asks pretty loudly, “The mayor, but I’m sure she’s busy today. Anyways, I’m gonna go to the florist shop. Whole I go you can..” Y/n begins to look around, trying to find a place for Adam to get distracted, then finding a smoke store nearby. “-go to the smoke shop!” She suggests pointing nervously to the shop, hoping that her assumption wouldn’t offend him.

Adam stared at the shop for a bit, he had smoked before, but it was mostly when he was able to disguise himself as a human and go to earth. But he hasn’t done that in a while, last time he smoked he found himself passed out at the back of some hippies van. Ever since Sera made sure he was always watched whenever he went to earth.

“…yeah sure I’ll go smoke.” He submits. Y/n taking a breath of relief, “good! I’ll be in the shop if you need me” Y/n quickly gives him a nice 50, then going off to the flower shop.

Adam finishes his shopping trip pretty quickly, to be fair all he had was 50$ and the store was quite small. He just bought a bubbler and a pack of cigarettes, along with a lighter of course. He sits on a bench that had been between the two stores, then smoking one of the cigarettes.

He sat on that thing for at least 6 or 7 minutes. As he was sitting, he did notice that this place was nicer than every other part of hell. A bit weird to think about, how just a few days ago they were trying to kill each other. A huge gust of wind blows his cigar onto the floor, and into a puddle to his left. His attention is then drawn into the reflection for a few seconds, but he shrinks away from the pain of realizing he’s a demon now, and turns away closing his eyes.

After a good 9 minutes, y/n comes out with a woven basket of lavender, as well as candles with flowers inside of them. “Oh I took so long didn’t I?” She apologizes. “They just had a great sale on candles I couldn’t resist!” Y/n begins to sit down with Adam, hoping to rest a bit after standing round for a bit. “So, how have your last few days been down here?”

“Shitty. Do you have any eyeliner?” Adam replies manspreading, him being slightly slouched down. Y/n then scurries in her bag, hoping to find some. “I didn’t strike you as the type to wear eyeliner.” She chuckles, handing him the small stick along with a hand mirror. “What shape do you like putting it? I like a thin feline, it’s cute but basic.” Y/n shrugs, “Do I look like Jeffery star to you? I don’t know the fuckin species of eyeliner.” He laughs shaking his head giving himself a soft Smoke. Y/n laughs along with him, setting down the basket of lavender and candles between them.

“I got the lavender stuff for you.” Y/n says, Adam pauses, looking over at y/n. “…you’re not that smart are you?” Adam stares judgmentally, y/n taking lots of offense to his comment but keeping quiet. “Why do I need flowers right now? I don’t need a pity gift, especially if they’re some fucking flowers.” Adam scoffs. “No, they aren’t a pity gift or anything, I can tell you haven’t slept peacefully ever since you’ve gotten here.” Y/n removes a bit of the cloth on the basket to take one of the lavenders out. “These will be able to help you, I can make tea out of them and they’ll help you out. Or we can use the aromatherapy I got with it too, just in case you don’t like tea.” Y/n offers, she reaches over to gently grab Adam’s hand places it on hers.

“I know you’re going through a lot Adam. You don’t have to tell me why, but I need you to know that hiding your feelings wont do any good for you.” She explains giving a worried but weirdly comforting look at him, “so please, let me help you.”

Adam stares into y/n’s maroon and green eyes. He then feels as if a big weight of pressure left his chest, he’s never been able to have a person understand him like this. Especially when they don’t really know who he is. Tears slowly form in his red eyes, as y/n pulls him in for a hug. Feeling the warmth in her body made him feel safe in a way, that he could trust her. That she can always help him when he needs it. He didn’t know the exact words for it, but all he knew is that he hadn’t felt this way ever since Eden.

Adam’s dream pov:

Both Adam and y/n had gotten back to the house, it was a nice trip back since Adam finally trusted her a whole lot more. Once they got back y/n gave Adam some lavender tea, sure he would rather drink a cup of literal vomit than tea but he was desperate to sleep soundly for once. Hell, he could even sleep in jeans if we wanted to.

Adam practically throws himself on the couch, immediately going to sleep as soon as his cheek hits the pillow. He dreams of nothing but a void of darkness, as others do, but in that void he sees a familiar face in it, carrying a beautiful light with it. As the light came closer, it transformed into something Adam can only described as beauty.

He wasn't sure who it was tho, he's seen many women in his life, but he couldn't poke out who it was, only little things.The way she laughed, felt like small bubbles popping in his head. and her teeth coming from her smile, like beams of light, peaking through clusters and clusters of trees. And her eyes, oh her gorgeous eyes, like two pearls shining against the sunlight. Whoever it was, was truly gorgeous. But who was it?

Lilith?

Eve?

Lute?

No, it can’t be

You just met her..

Y/n? ♡

[danandphilplay]

im going to put my answers below bc i know some of these vids are likely not returning to dnp and i do agree with that i just wanted to do a fun poll abt if you could have another of these vids then which would you choose. ofc like ive said before we have no control over dnp uploads and i fully know some of these won’t come back lol

ok first of all i don’t think pinof is coming back and i think that’s been clear for ages anyways like ten is a nice number to leave it. HOWEVER i do think an april fools dapc pinof would be hilarious. answering crafties questions and whatever they send to craft universe dnp.

same with amazingdan BUT maybe there’s a slight chance of reacting to amazingdan. maybe not since so much time has already passed since pinof reactions (four months …..) honestly out of the options i’m not that bothered about pinof or amazingdan i feel like they’re classic dnp content that’s fine left as it is

ok for the pizza mukbang thing i don’t care for it to be a mukbang video lol like the actual thing was the nice sit down talk vibes pyjama pizza w friends maybe this is exactly what dan means abt being parasocial 😭 but that video is nice so i don’t think the actual mukbang part of it is that important it’s more the sit down talk style vid

i think i would do anything for another day in the life but i feel like it is prob peak parasocial content. would it count as phouse tour probably. do i think there will be a phouse tour no bc it sounds like it is still having a lot of work done 😭 and i honestly don’t really care abt it… i think the sims renovation was fun and an insight into their interior design opinions lol and that is enough for me

i put it takes two bc a lot of people want to see the next bit i like the game but not rly enough. idk it’s been awhile since that first vid and in terms of other games and things from dnp i don’t rly mind about it takes two being ignored 😭

i know baking is not a discontinued thing anymore bc HALLOWEEN but BUT i really believed easter baking would be a thing 💔 dapc had so much put into it that i kind of forgot about wanting a baking vid but 💔 i can’t lie i think i got set on the expectation for it. like the baking vids have always been absolute classic staple dnp content but definitely the cinnamon roll one was like the baking vids to the extreme… the full potential AND THE BAKE WAS GOOD TOO. the vid was also pretty popular. so my expectations for easter were a bit high. ok so if this poll is like magically summon a dnp vid 🪄 maybe id consider baking because i just love it so much like irl as a hobby but also then dnp doing one of my fav things too and it being so fun idk it’s some of the best dnp content imo. i would love them to try a series of making food from videogames but no offence to them i don’t get the vibe that they cook a lot…… so i think it might not happen. but dil is turning TEN in september so maybe dnp special dil birthday cake baking vid 💔 pleaese pleasemaybe

i think tumblr tag is totally plausible although ik the april fools tumblr tag thing 💔 bc the twitter vid happened i think they’ll do a tumblr one at some point. there’s so much amazing art on here not just fanart but written stuff video and photo edits so i’d want them to see all of that as well as the funny stuff. this isn’t like top of my list of things i’d want to see but it’s definitely one of the more plausible things

dapc behind the scenes content its either happening or it will never be spoken of

honestly idk if they would do reactions to the super amazing project. bc like what vids would they choose. maybe i can see them referencing it or discussing it if someone asked or in a live but idk about reaction vids.

ok draw my life would be fun and i’d watch them. i’d watch an updated dil draw my life too. they put so much effort into that dil draw my life. maybe an updated one for dil’s 10th birthday will happen? that would be pretty fun.

i think if i had to choose it would be a ditl vid. top 3 would be ditl, mukbang or literally just any sit down talk vid, and another baking video. ditl may literally just be bc of nostalgia i don’t really see it happening again but who knows. again just a poll about which vid you’d want to see if you could magic up a dnp vid i definitely know some of these aren’t coming back or very unlikely to

[orange-orchard-system]

Disclaimer before I begin that this isn't me accusing anyone of purposefully being ignorant or anything, I think it's just something that doesn't occur to people, but... I find it interesting that so many surveys or polls that include some kind of "Are you intersex?" question don't have a "How should I know?" option

Sex as a binary is based upon a lot of different factors, from hormones to chromosomes to secondary sex characteristics to more. For some of those things, people might not know if they don't fit perisex standards for their assigned sex! It's not like testing for, say, chromosomes happens often – and I've heard plenty of horror stories from intersex people whose family and doctors deliberately kept the fact that they were/are intersex a secret from them. Simply put, a person can go all of their life assuming they're perisex while actually being intersex simply due to a lack of information or lack of testing. It's no different than a trans person assuming they're cisgender, or a gay person assuming they're straight – it's all assumptions based upon the standard that everyone is expected to fit. It's just that finding out if you're intersex is a different process (one that, relevantly, can be blocked or made more difficult by bigoted doctors who aren't interested in helping their patients discover the truth).

And yet, while I see "questioning/don't know" options for other queer groups increasingly often, it doesn't happen very often for questions about being intersex. Again, not everyone who is intersex knows that they're intersex; not everyone answering your question knows if they're intersex or not. We need more options for people who don't know – and on a similar note, we need more general acceptance that being intersex is something people may not know about themselves. Being perisex should not be seen as the default that everyone fits until proven otherwise; it should just be something that someone can find out about themselves. If anything, "I don't know (yet) if I'm intersex or perisex" should be more commonplace!

But I think this post is getting away from me. My point is that it sure feels weird to see "Are you intersex?" questions on surveys and polls with no "idk" option compared to all the "I'm questioning" options for other queer identities. Like idk maybe at least give a "I'm waiting to get my test results back" option, especially if it's a mandatory question. Cut people who don't know yet some slack

[knockyasocksoff2022]

NOTE: I didn't include Third Person Objective because I think most fics and fictional books, in general, are the opposite of objective by their very nature and purpose.

---

My personal preference and what inspired this poll:

I usually stick to one narration type per fic. Depending on what the story is, how many characters it deals with and what's going on.

For most fics, I use alternating first person (depending on who the scene is focused on or also to tell the reader something that that particular character would know that another would not) but for @theuntoldoriginsoftheportmafia, I used third-person omniscient because of the sheer number of characters and their complexity.

If the story I'm writing is one that's going to be a little out of character by nature (sickfics, relationship reveals, AUs) then the first person feels fine but, for fics where I feel staying true to the original character is very important, and I'm not sure how they would canonically express thoughts or feelings in the situations I want to put them in, I use third person.

When in first person, I can usually separate pov breaks with chapters depending on how long a scene is. So, chapters will vary in length, but if the pov is short enough, I'll put multiple in the same chapter because I don't love the idea of super short chapters (I'm used to posting on Wattpad). I do this to keep the story flowing, like how the camera in film and television changes focus on certain people at different times during a scene. I may do a poll about this later.

I've only ever stayed in one person's POV for the entire time in one fic. it was Chuuya for my fic More Than You Know, and even then, it's not done, so we might get some Dazai pov towards the end.

That brings us to another point. Dazai's character is so complex that if I'm trying to portray him in a close-to-canon way (as in character as possible), then I prefer the third-person for the risk of seeming OOC if I do first. IDK if that's just me or not. For this one-shot, I entered with a third-person pov of Dazai and kept the rest as the first person with Chuuya. And I also did it for the first two chapters of my RANPOE!!! On ICE AU (It's only on Wattpad, at the moment.)

This is so interesting to me and I'm so curious about what people prefer. Feel free to give the reason for your preference in the tags.

[electrosquash]

This may sound stupid but how do I turn off blazeable on my blogs?

And how is this bad? Again, I don't wanna sound stupid or rude. Thank you for the heads up :]

Hi! No worries, you're not the only one with these questions.

On how to turn off the option to get blazed:

On desktop you can turn it off at this link: https://www.tumblr.com/settings/blog/#blaze It looks something like this

On mobile it's in the account settings menu, there's a lof of screenshots in the additions to my other post like here (i haven't updated since i got a funny little bug that lets me add polls in reblogs of other people's posts so i can't screenshot anything).

Alternatively you can also log into Tumblr in your phone's browser and use the link above there. Don't forget to do it on sideblogs that you don't want to get blazed as well! You can also change the settings per-post in the post menu. I've actually enabled it for my complaint post that's circulating because it would be really funny :D

On how it is bad:

With the way it is set up, people can blaze your posts without active consent. This can be used to bully people, by digging out old or not-adapted posts that were not meant for a wider audience and putting them on blast. This can include vent posts, opinions you might have changed since then, selfies, niche things many people might think are cringe (like 2014 self-insert omegaverse fanfics and the likes ... idk if you've seen the drama that resulted from someone blazing their fic, it wasn't pretty), posts that were only meant to circulate in your carefully curated audience, and more.

Since Blaze's are registered in many minds as advertisement many people will react negatively to them so this opens up a way to bully a lot of people. As usual, people of colour, trans people, and other vulnerable groups will get the worst of it, many are already getting deactivated regularly because of coordinated reporting harassment and since people donate hate organizations all the time they will definitely use the option to make the life of a person they're targeting living hell for 10$.

Staff thought of some safeguards but there are several fallacies:

The option to cancel a blaze before it goes live: Not everyone has access to the internet every day, and staff might accept the blaze while you're asleep / at work / on a trip / in the hospital / on hiatus. Then when you're coming back to tumblr your notes will have turned into a nightmare.

The guarantee that staff will check every Blaze manually to prevent harassment: Let's take the case in which someone's old fic get blazed against their will. How can staff know whether it was blazed with friendly intent (to promote a friend's work) or ill intent (to get people to point and laugh)? They can't as long as it's not against the Terms of Service. In general there will be many false positives (Blazes that get rejected by staff despite being innocent) and false negatives (Blazes that get accepted by staff despite being malicious). After all, the people working at tumblr are only human too. But in this case, false negatives will have devastating consequences - and extinguishing a blaze after it's live will be too late.

Many people don't follow @staff, so many people don't know about this change. In fact many people on that other post commented that they didn't know what Blazes are at all! I think i've read that they will add a login banner to tell you and check your settings, but iirc they had banners like that for the original Blaze function announcement so i don't have faith this will prevent anything.

I should clarify that i don't think the feature itself is bad at all, but it should be opt-in so only people who want to participate get blazed (e.g. art blogs). Or add an active mandatory confirmation by OP instead of a veto option, this would prevent the issues above as well, i think that would be the best option - that way people could leave the option on. I know staff are currently getting bombarded with support requests / flames (please be civil to them guys!) (also sorry. but not sorry. i didn't expect my post to blow up but also i think these are legitimately troubling concerns and i won't make the other post unrebloggable). They're aware of these issues so i hope they will change to one of these options - if they add active mandatory confirmation by OP i would enable to option globally as well (Hint hint this means more money for you, @tumblr, because otherwise many people have and will turn this feature off completely) A bit more time between announcement and go-live (4/20 iirc) would have been helpful as well.

Here's the original announcement by the way:

And since i'm gonna pin the post as long as the other post is circulating: Listen to goatbed guys!

[yandere-sins]

hihi !! just wanted to say i love your work and i think the polls are such a fun idea ! just curious - what's ur personal opinion on yans who cheat/are unfaithful? do you think that's possible? or does the yan part negate that?

Oh, we are back at the very fine lines, but thank you for reading and participating in the polls! I'm glad you enjoy them so much ^-^

I think it is a bit dependant on what everyone sees as cheating—emotional, sexual, etc. I personally don't believe in yan's cheating (which makes poly yandere quite an interesting subject to figure out ^^' And you can up the difficulty by letting the poly yan have other yan partners who are also poly and then also have a one or more darlings each. Or like when I write about the gods for example, some have multiple darlings and I use their godliness as a loophole as to why some gods can focus on a couple darlings, lol!) but I can see how they could use cheating to reach their goals and at that point, it's less about "cheating" as a hurt-factor but the way they do it.

Examples:

Yan still can't have their darling so they sleep with other people, perhaps even pretending those people are their darling -> It's not cheating per se, but they are basically cheating themselves and their devotion/obsession

Yan kidnaps darlings best friends and proceeds to cheat with them in front of darling as a punishment -> They obviously cheated, but the darling will be less hurt by the cheating as from seeing their friend suffer and having to watch that

Yan thinks that if they go out and sleep with darling's friends/family/co-worker to spite them, it will hurt Darling, but it backfires spectacularily -> Yan cheated, but Darling isn't really affected by it, are they?

Ways I do see it could be used for:

Yan has long pretended to be in love with their 'darling' and has always thought it should feel this way and it must fulfill them but then they meet the REAL darling and their world is turned upside down -> It's cheating and honestly even if the focus shifts, I could imagine that in some scenarios the yan still is unwilling to let go of the OG darling even if they never really loved them before. But now that they have their real darling they have so much love to give so why not keep the OG as well? It's a bit hard to equal out the obsession in this scenario but it's possible

If the yan is savvy and realizes the darling uses their affection and body to gain something from them, they could take someone else and cheat on the darling just to put them back in their place and make them upset about losing the yan's attention ("It's not a big deal, right?"). Of course they haven't and never will, but the yan enjoys their darling squeaming and trying to come up with a new plan. -> The yan would cheat though not out of affection for someone so it's nothing emotionally binding, they just do it to get a rise out of their darling and to maybe make them more compliant and behave better. Only works if the darling needs the yandere to "continue liking them" (if they have debt or need something only the yan can give them like idk their life energy? Like a Succubus/Incubus-Demon-Contract for example?) and isn't too aware that there's nothing they could do that would actually make the yandere turn away from them. (This works well for the poly yans too because they can just play their darlings against each other and get double the love and attention from them) Sometimes delulu is not the solulu.

Darling is the cheater (like in the poll!) and the yan is all too happy to be the sidepiece until they get too greedy and want it all (BIL in this case) -> Will probably make the yan more clingy in the longrun once they realize that darling could swap them out easily one day.

Either waaaaaay, not my favorite trope. I am sure you can make it work in some regard (even writing about failing to leave an impression on the darling is interesting to explore) but from a writing standpoint it can be a hassle and you might end up over-justifying yourself if you are not careful. Then again, if you are too careful, you might over-justify yourself too, it's tricky :')

[tayloralisonswift]

how the hell do elections work in the usa that you had to wait that long?!

we have so many polling stations compared to the overall population that if distributed equally, each station would get a little over 500 voters if everyone turned out

sure, there are stations with a few thousand votes, and i was a part of the organizing committee a few years ago that had 30ish people in total that could vote in that location so the numbers vary but there's never a long wait

every adult is assigned a single polling station where they vote according to the address on their id, there's no need to register like you guys do in the us (which has ended in a lot of voter fraud and jokes about it but that's a different topic) oh and the ballot is standardized, i recently learned that some us states have it randomized (for what reason?!)

i'll leave you with an incredibly popular voter fraud joke from here

A guy goes to a polling station all excited, casts his vote according to the regulations, and asks for a chair to sit down for a bit. One of the organizers notes that he's still sitting after 30 minutes and asks if he's feeling any better. The guy replies that he's feeling perfectly fine, just very excited. The organizer asks why he's excited and the guy responds that he's been looking forward to the meeting for a long time. Confused, the organizer asks "What meeting?" to which the guy says "My great grandfather of course, he's voting today." The organizer explains how the guy should have brought his great grandfather himself, since he sounds like he might be quite old. To this, the guy says "You're right, he's very old, he actually passed away decades ago." Even more confused, the organizer says "You must be joking, how could he vote if he has passed away?" - "Well how could he vote in the last elections without me getting a chance to see him? That's why I know he's bound to vote today before the stations close, I can't miss him this time around"

where are you from, anon? i’m curious!

part of it was an issue with the polling place. in the mail (this is just my state, idk in general), we get a voter registration card that tells us where our polling place is (it’s a school, typically.) but the school we usually vote at (calling it School A) was vandalized a few weeks ago, so the card we received said to go to School B instead. well, after waiting 1.5 hours (my city is slow at everything. More on that later), we showed our ids and were told we should’ve gone to School A. “School A isn’t a polling place this year,” we said. so in order to vote at School B, they had to give us provisional ballots instead of regular ones. i still don’t completely understand the difference, except that we then had to go through two more lines of waiting in order to fill out the paperwork and be certified to vote. then we stood in a fourth line (at this point) to actually vote, and then we stood in a fifth line so that they could put our provisional ballots in this weird suitcase with a tiny opening that you slide your ballot into.

in terms of what they told me about the provisional ballot, they said they won’t be counted right away. i live in a blue (aka democrat) state so it’s going to harris whether my vote is counted or not, but in swing states, provisional ballots really are ways to keep more people from voting, or to keep those votes from counting. it’s confusing, and it’s confusing ON PURPOSE. i saw several people being offered provisional ballots who said “what’s the point” and left.

re: my city. i live in a very poor & disenfranchised area of my city. in my district, we had a 14% voter turnout in 2020. i bring this up because there are a lot of things stopping someone in my district from voting and

i’m damn tired of people talking about low voter turnout as if people are just too lazy.

so i’m taking this moment to correct that, at least for my community. every community has different requirements that can discourage voting.

only recently (i think this year) have previously incarcerated people been allowed to vote. my city has a very high rate of previously incarcerated people. (so much so, that my and other families i know get summoned for jury duty all the time - because the pool of non-previously incarcerated people is significantly smaller than the city population. but i digress.) this means that most people with convictions or incarcerations on their record could’ve voted, but probably didn’t know that they could. it wasn’t advertised. i only found out about it at the polling place.

the polling place mix-up didn’t just happen to me and my dad. an entire community tried voting at School B. at one point, we saw five people leave the line to vote - we learned that people were being told to “go elsewhere” instead of doing the provisional ballot. so people just gave up. of course there is no “elsewhere” to go that wouldn’t give them a provisional ballot. this isn’t the fault of the volunteers, by the way. my city does not allocate funds to its poor areas. of course they would shrug off the School A vandalism and not provide a real solution.

long lines are hard for disabled people, people with children, and pregnant people. a woman came in with her two kids and was standing behind us for about ten minutes. the toddler in her arm was crying very loudly, and after waiting for a while she said “i give up! let’s go get you some lunch.” she never came back. the woman in front of us was nine months along in her pregnancy. eventually a volunteer noticed and found a chair for her to sit in while we waited. it was really hot in there and she was dressed for november, so she was fanning herself constantly. i was impressed she actually went all the way through with it.

my district is told that we do not vote. we have the 14% drilled into our heads. so why on earth would someone believe it mattered if it never has? i’ve worked a lot in my community and there are so many people who just do not believe they have a voice worth listening to.

and finally, financially poor areas are also informationally poor. informational poverty means that someone does not have the tools with which to process information (i.e., determine what is real and fake news, sift through conspiracy theories and understand how to search for the truth.) there are many rumors and myths about election fraud. not necessarily “trump won 2020” fraud, but more like “they throw all our ballots away because the government hates poor people and black people”. (which like. i live in the city where henrietta lacks was medically abused. there is reason to believe in these theories.) so because of these beliefs, people don’t bother to vote.

this was so long and you didn’t ask for basically any of it but I started typing and just never stopped. i’m not going to proofread. sorry and i love you

[xx-j4nu5-c4t5-xx]

Alright the poll was up for like two hours and five of you wanted the Tybalt dream have fun

I might need to put content warnings in here? There's a few mentions of death and blood but nothing in like excessively graphic detail. I'll put them in anyway just for good measure but know that they're not that bad.

TW: Mentions of blood and death

Y'all ready for this?

Okay, so I'm in my high school (again, for some reason)(I'm actually me this time, btw) and it's actively flooding via the fountain in the courtyard. Everyone's panicking. Pope Francis is there for some reason but he only shows up once and doesn't do anything so whatever. I run out of the side of the building that's further underwater (because apparently my school is lopsided as hell in this dream) and start bailing out the floodwater with a bucket. Really efficient.

I hear a voice yell something like "hey!" or whatever so I turn around and. Tybalt Capp. From the hit 2004 game Sims 2 for PC. Great.

Instead of asking me what's going on like I expected him to (because he was just running around panicking like everyone else a second ago) he just says, "Whose blood is that?"

At some point in the ordeal, I had scraped my leg or something. It was bad enough to be bleeding, but it wasn't really bad enough to be important. We had bigger fish to fry, at the time.

I try to explain what's going on and before I can even start he just snaps and starts shouting shit like, "YOU KILLED HER!"

And, naturally, I respond by going "TYBALT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" and trying to explain again.

But he won't stop screaming. "YOU KILLED HER!" "YOU KILLED THAT LITTLE GIRL!" I'm begging him to stop, begging him to tell me who the little girl is, but he's fucking insane. He isn't screaming like it's some news story he heard about, he's screaming like he's been fucking hunting me down for vengeance for the last ten years. Hell, he's screaming like the girl is right there in my arms or something.

(Quick aside here, if I might: Does Tybalt even have any lore relevant little girls in his life? I've never played Veronaville and it's been a hot minute since I read the original play so I'm not really sure. He's Juliet's cousin, I think, but she's definitely a teenager in both versions. Not really the type I'd refer to as a little girl. Who the hell is he even talking about???)

Anyway, I don't really know why but I got a little crazy myself and freaked the fuck out. Frustration from being talked over and survival instinct willed me to just start grabbing things and throwing them at him. I snatched an apple out of the blood-streaked floodwaters and flung it at his head so hard it made this diabolical CRACK! as it hit him square in the eye. Even in the dream I was taken aback, like jesus christ dude what was that for he didn't really deserve a concussion for freaking out good god almighty what's worng with me

Eventually we were running down a stairwell, and either he was chasing me or I was chasing him. It makes more sense if I'm chasing him, because he was in front of me on the stairs, but idk. What was I chasing him for? Whatever. He reaches the landing and just... stops. Right there. Dead in his tracks.

Mind you, we were CHASING each other. Throwing ourselves around the corners and practically jumping down the steps two or three at a time. And all of a sudden, he hits the bottom and freezes. I catch up to him and what's he looking at?

There's a body in the stairwell.

An entire human skeleton. It looks like it's been there for years. Shit's practically fossilized; I thought it was a Halloween decoration. But he's just staring at it, wide eyed, like he's trying to identify who it is. Who it was. There's still sounds of rushing water and screaming above us. The water's going to bust the doors and come crashing down on us any second.

But he won't move. Neither will I.

I turn to face him, and he's absolutely stunned. Mouth agape, eyes wide, still locked on the skeleton. He was so gobsmacked it woke me up.

Here's an artistic recreation. I woke up with this image frozen in my mind.

Why do I always leave these dream worlds worse than I found them? I possessed some guy and made him have a sexuality crisis last time and now I've fucking traumatized Tybalt Capp what is happening to me

Anyway uh if anyone knows how to make that shit stop happening or at least make it nicer when my little guys show up in my dreams can you tell me? I don't know if I'm gonna handle it well if next time one of the ones I really like shows up and I'm forced to break their legs or something horrific like that

[aromantisk-fagforening]

I've been thinking a lot about that controversial poll of mine.

This is something of a discourse post so if you're not in the mood for that this is your cue to scroll.

It really bugged me, getting so much criticism. Kinda because I wasn't sure if the complaints were fair or not. If it was a big deal. If I'd done something wrong. Kinda because I didn't expect it. Kinda because people were rude.

I've already addressed it a bit, mostly in replies (some of which I've since deleted, I don't want to have so much discourse on my blog).

The complaints I got were primarily about the fact that I said "usa moment?" as a comment on the only speaking one language thing. Two different ones I remember very well was one accusing me of being classist for saying it was "normal" to speak 3 languages. Another saying I was calling usamericans stupid by saying all usamericans only speak one language.

Now, for anyone who knows anything about me or doesn't assume bad faith in every case, you might understand that I didn't intend to create either of those impressions. I won't say I don't understand how people came to those conclusions, they're not ridiculous, but they are still extreme interpretations.

I didn't really anticipate people having such strong feelings about language. I forget that many people derive their worth from things like being smart. I do think being offended at the mere association with people who know few languages (I was pretty clearly not saying every usamerican only spoke 1 language, 0 people believe that), is kinda elitist.

I don't really want to take back using my own normal as the normal, but I understand it's probably a bit inflammatory. My poll was obviously intended to be seen by a global (or at least international) audience, so just saying "normal" like that was kinda poorly thought through. I just get so tired from and of the us-centricism of tumblr.

I also do kinda want to point that I am kinda right. The majority of usamericans are only fluent in one language (source) (though because of my definition, I'm sure a lot more usamericans are considered multilingual). And of the countries where the majority of people are monolingual, the USA is where most people are likely to see it. And the reason is a mix of privilege and lack of privilege. It's the privilege of the entire internet, and more, being made for You above all else. And it's because of underfunded language classes, because of politics.

Also to say it outright, even though I've already implied it. I don't think less of anyone for being monolingual; I don't judge monolinguals; I don't think you're dumb for being monolingual. None of that. (I also mostly don't judge people for being dumb, but that's not that relevant here). I think it's cool to know more languages, but it's fine to be monolingual. I am really sad that people felt judged for being monolingual.

Idk if anyone who is going to see this is one of the people who were annoyed by that post, but I just wanted to put it out there. I don't know if the way I've responded is more reasonable, less of something people might get annoyed with and might argue with, but it's a response.

[i-only-know-fandoms]

Carlos's mention in the wedding special and how they handled it was disappointing and vague and, in my opinion, leaves the door open to either fate

Context

So I took a peak at the Barnes & Noble bonus chapter of Melissa de la Cruz's Beyond the Isle of the Lost and Mal and Evie and Jay and Ben and even Doug are there but there's no mention of Carlos, and I don't know, that really upsets me. The Core Four aren't going to be in the movies anymore, (Disney, though intent on making more movie, at least hasn't sunken as low to recast Cameron, and Dove, Sofia, and Booboo won't return without him) they still exist in the universe (Mal's portrait, this bonus chapter, etc). And it just seems to me, as long as it's not on screen and they're continuing the franchise, Disney should include Carlos in any future books they might appear in

(Which I also believe they should do to continue Mal, Evie, Carlos, and Jay's story. They're intent on continuing the franchise, they've made that clear, and so tossing aside the characters that created it seems callous. Obviously there can be no more movies with them, thus, books. Also, these theoretical books could be for the YA fans of the original trilogy and thus get into the grittier details of the Isle, not the watered down happy ending that made no sense canonically in D3. As many are pointing out, Rise of Red will be for a new generation of fans)

I, personally, think that if they're set on continuing the franchise they should honor they characters should still be used (again, offscreen in books) to continue their stories and the legacies of the characters and the actors who created them, especially Cameron, as this is really his only legacy character. It also gives another way of keeping his memory alive, if they dedicate the books to him, and raise awareness for his foundation by including an page promoting it in the books.

It also seems callous to me to just toss all the work of those characters to the side, like they don't mean anything now that they can't be used in movies.

But, I am also worried want wanting this (or even asking Disney this, though I doubt they'd pay attention) that I am also just using Cameron? I just, I miss him so much, and this would keep him alive (similar to Chadwick Boseman through T'Challa. Like, they had him die in the movies as to not recast him, but there's still all the Black Panther comics and merchandise that he lives through. Yes, it's not necessarily his iteration of the character, since it did exist before him, but he's still connected with it). But should this stay in the fandom through fanfics and fanart, and not touched by Disney? But they're continuing the universe, so feels like this is just forcing him to disappear? Idk, I did another post about this after the Wedding Special, because I don't know if I'm being insensitive by wanting this. I don't think I am, I don't mean to be, but that doesn't mean I'm not.

So I set up this poll, (and set it before my rambling since who wants to read all this, lol) to get some wider perspective. Should I keep asking Disney to try and get the Core four's stories continued in books (if you're on Instagram, yup this is me) or am I being insensitive towards as them by asking for this

(The utter hopelessness of asking Disney and if I should give up because of it isn't in question, I have nothing better to do with my life than scream into the void. But if it's morally wrong.... I trust the fandom for an honest opinion on this and tumblr is the best place. And now we have polls, so......)

[pebiejeebies]

erm urm I did smth again

idk, ever since I started watching md I suddenly got TWO things:

one is an odd robotkin feeling which iver been delaying for a while cause I’m still tryna figure out if I’m demonkin and ragathakin lmfao

two: THE SUDDEN URGE TO DRAW ROBOTS IN A VERY ODDLY NICE WAY THAT STILL KEEPS SHOCKING ME TO THIS POINT

(Trad sketch + digital flat colors)

Sorta wonky, I think I’m getting the hang of this tho!

Instead of making her a Murder drone I just make her a Worker one!!

Plus she’s cuter that way :3c

I might make some cool shading later but here you go!!!

will put lore later, once (and if) I make a murder drone oc

I need names for this liddol gorl and I AM TEMPTED TO MAKE A POLL

okay nobody can stop me anyways soooooooo

this isn’t an excuse to make a poll

I think

SHHFGJEHJV

If y’all like this liddol gorl then uh i might post some lore abt her :]

[retirement-home-rumble]

just caught up on this tournament and I do want to say that you definitely are biased towards that one tie bc you reblogged the post multiple times saying you wanted a tie; so it’s not just tagging it “in this house we love tiesweeps” that makes people think you’re biased. also people saying “it’s not that serious, it’s just a tumblr bracket” goes both ways - like if it’s not that serious and we’re all just having fun then why should anyone care that the votes actually say it should NOT be a tie? like, weren’t you pretty “seriously” invested in this specific poll being a tie, enough to make an exception to the existing rule?

at the same time it literally would have been at most two votes that decided it (sorry to the other anon but their math was wrong). only 968 or 969 out of 1896 would show up as 51.1%. and while I am not in favor of tiesweeping it personally, it is your poll and you should do what you want & what makes you happy. but if you have thousands of people voting in these polls then you have to expect that a decent number of them might be upset if you do make that choice rather than following the rules.

I mean as to your first point, I reblog all propaganda I see, no matter what side it's for. Sure I miss some, but I try my best to get all of them. So along that same vein, if a post gets a lot of propaganda, of course I'm gonna be reblogging it a lot. It just so happened that most of the propaganda that one was getting was for a tie. If there had been tons of people reblogging it with anti tie propaganda, then I would have been reblogging that just as much.

Also, as to me saying I wanted it to tie: I have literally stated that I want as many polls to tie as we can. I also reblog all polls that are close to a tie when it's down to the last few hours, just to give people the chance to tie it if they want.

So combine those two points together, and it just happened to be that after I reblogged that post with the last call for a tie, that it got reblogged a lot by others. So of course I would then reblog their propaganda. And since it's been stated that I'm biased towards all ties, I don't think it's exactly fair to say I was biased specifically towards this one tie. Like if any others were close enough, I would have been just as invested.

Idk. I guess I just don't get people acting like I'm not allowed to be invested in and have fun rooting in my own tournament? When I make it perfectly clear that I love ties, maybe don't act surprised when I get excited about a potential tie?

Even then, I wouldn't have even said anything if it wasn't, as admitted by you, decided by less than 2 votes. I understand that some people could be upset by this, but it was a weird situation and it's impossible to please everyone.

I put out that second poll to try to make it as fair as possible. I've also been trying to share both sides of this (posting asks with people explaining their opinions about it and reblogging the propaganda against the tie) so that everyone can make their own choice. Yes I said I personally would like them to tie, but I didn't force anyone to vote. Everyone has their own agency here. I said I would honor the results of that poll, and people have voted for them to be allowed to tie.

Anyway, sorry for the long rambling answer. This whole situation has just been a bit exhausting and I really don't want to lose interest in this blog because, before this, I was having the most fun I'd had in forever. I felt like I actually had a purpose.

[cookinguptales]

just some me thoughts. up and down but mostly hopeful, I think. might delete later, who knows. I think writing these things down sometimes is productive for me, but leaving them up might not always be best. lmao

(cw: mental illness, discussion of suicidal ideation, etc.)

I have struggled with MDD for... most of my life, I'd say. I had "child-friendly" suicidal ideation when I was maybe 6-7 years old, where I'd imagine just kind of floating away in a bubble and never coming back, but it had graduated to full-fledged suicidal ideation by like. idk, maybe 9? I remember a school counselor asking me if I ever thought about wanting to die and I was like "well, no more than everyone else does" and she was like. hmm!

(I have since learned that was not the correct answer lmao)

I struggled a lot more when I got older and the symptoms of my chronic illnesses worsened, and there was a lot of abuse at home, too. There was also some... I guess I'll call it CSA when I was a teen, but I don't think those chickens came home to roost until I was about a year into my degree and I had ~a breakdown~.

what happened, honestly, was that I'd barely been able to juggle my mental illness and my physical illness when I was at home being driven everywhere, but once I moved out for college and started walking everywhere, I completely lost control over my chronic illnesses. and then when that happened, my mental illness quickly followed.

(plus I was put on birth control for the first time in this period (to deal with what we'd later learn was endometriosis) and that did NOT play well with my brain.)

I won't... get into all the details, but I was on medical leave for a couple years and the depression got pretty bad. Some of the responses to that mental illness poll I've seen feel totally unrelatable to my own experiences, which makes me feel... idk, I guess sometimes I tell myself it wasn't that severe. But then other times I hear people talk about their experiences with depression and I'm like "oh... maybe mine was pretty severe..."

Part of it is that my depression and my chronic exhaustion often kind of mingle. Back then, I'd be too tired to get out of bed, so I just wouldn't. For days. And then I might go a day or two without eating, and that would make the chronic illness worse, so by the end I'd really just kinda be sleeping and crying and Still Not Eating for a few days at a time. Maybe some crackers. I ate a lot of ramen and bed crackers.

In some respects, I think I was actually lucky...? I thought about dying constantly, but I was so exhausted that there was no way I was ever going to do anything, even that. My POTS was wildly uncared for at this point, so I'd just kind of slip in and out of consciousness sometimes. I got bedsores a few times.

I did eventually get back to school and I kind of got my head together, but it was definitely a struggle, made worse by my school's deeply ableist policies. I was a nervous wreck in college, if I'm being honest with myself. I cried a lot.

My PMDD ended up getting pretty severe, too. I had some very close calls. I struggled a lot with the hormonal medications I was put on to treat the PMDD and the endometriosis because often I'd do better for a while (once my periods stopped) but then I'd start bleeding nonstop or my brain would go bonkers or something. It felt like every hormonal medication I took was a ticking time bomb. It'd make me better before it then made me much, much worse. And there was really no way to predict when it would happen.

Honestly, after having suicidal ideation be the cosmic background radiation of my life for decades, anxiety was uh. I mean, I didn't enjoy it, but I always kind of felt like I was gonna throw up and pass out anyway, so really all it added was agoraphobia and some panic attacks. Anxiety was always pretty manageable for me compared to everything else. The depression was always more dangerous. I'd lose literal weeks that I wouldn't even remember later when the depression got bad. I would just kinda. Stop leaving my apartment. For weeks. Even months, a few times.

(There is a reason I get myself Little Treats a lot, and it's mostly because it's a way to force myself to leave my house regularly. lmao. It's... a bribe, let's be real. Like "you can go get that iced coffee as long as you go get it," that kind of situation.)

The reason I'm talking about this isn't so much to wallow, though... Actually, I think I've been doing a lot better the past couple years. Going to California during the summer has been helpful (so I don't just have to sit alone in a house with all the windows covered for 3-4 months every year because I get so sick in hot, sunny weather) and I think the ketamine has been really, really helpful. It hasn't cured me, but it does often take the edge off both the pain and the mental illness, and sometimes that's enough.

(Treatment-resistant depression is a biiiitch.)

I think getting diagnosed with PMDD has been helpful, too. It helps me to be a little more pragmatic about things, and has helped me to kind of see those voices as something outside myself. Now when I am... really, really struggling with feelings of worthlessness and feeling like... idk, like I'm a burden, like I need to die, etc. I can say like

well okay but you're also having cramps and your shoulder is dislocated so I think I know what's going on here lmao.

I'm not fixed, by any means, but I do feel like I have more tools to deal with it...? When my brain is getting very loud, I can be like. well, okay, auntie flo is being a real bitch to me this month, but I'll just move my ketamine treatment up a day and that should help.

So I feel less powerless, and I do think that's been very helpful. Having action steps and being able to look at my negative self-talk as my illness talking and not my actual self has been helpful. I can kind of frame it as being bullied rather than justifiably hating myself.

I do still struggle with a lot of self-worth issues outside of the chemical kind, but I think that forcing myself to unlearn a lot of internalized homophobia, fatphobia, ableism, etc. has helped to take the edge off of that, too. It's always been very difficult to imagine myself being loved, but I'm practicing. haha. It's a skill to master like any other.

I think what really prompted this, though, was remembering how bad I was 15 years ago. Like... having to cut all my hair off because it got so matted... It was so short for a while... And now I look at myself and like. I'm far from perfect, but I have long hair again. I own a little house. I take care of a cat. I have friends. I just finished writing a book.

I never could have finished something like this back then. I couldn't even feed myself.

So while some days I feel like I haven't progressed at all, I can hold up those accomplishments and be like. Okay, so your house is a mess. You get behind on work sometimes. Maybe you're self-conscious about this book.

But you have the house. You have the job. You have the manuscript.

You can't compare everything that you are to the perfect idealized version of you. That person doesn't exist. Maybe you should compare yourself to what you were fifteen years ago. That person doesn't exist anymore, either, but she used to.

So... I guess tonight maybe I'm doing that. Forcing myself to think about how close I was to death while still living, and to at least give myself kudos for growing enormously from there.

I still don't always feel like I'm living up to my full potential, but I am living. Which is a lot better than the sort of half-death I existed in back then.

Severe depression is... a lot. It's so hard. So many days I wake up and I just lie there for a long, long time. But... I do get out of bed eventually. And I did eat a few meals today. And I did divide this book into chapters.

idk. It's a journey. It's one that was almost cut short many years ago, but somehow despite it all I'm still here. And still walking. Maybe I'll get better than I am now. Maybe I won't. Maybe the idealized me will never exist.

But I won't let the other me exist again, either, and I suppose tonight that's good enough.