#i mean this time last year i would still cry at night bc i felt like i had made a huge mistake

[seagulley]

Kaija is 18 months old!

Very long and sappy post under the cut. 

I think the short version of this post is just this: the more I get to know this dog the more I grow to love her. There are things we have struggled with of course, but as she slowly matures and her personality develops, those are becoming fewer and fewer, meanwhile the great, amazing things become more and more.

Overall I think Kaija is on the chill side as far as Aussies go, tho I should say that my sample size is basically... one. For a dog who *loves* to do stuff, at this point she's pretty willing to accept off days, although if there's too many in a row then she might get whiny about it. She's still very funny and very soft (her winter coat is coming in and it's nearly as soft now as when she was a puppy, apparently the undercoat is where the softness comes from), and she still struggles to remain connected to the ground (well I guess it's not much of a struggle in that she just... doesn't). She isn't a barky dog at all - on occasion she might bark if I get her extra amped up in play + I think there's been maybe three times when she's barked at the neighbours' dogs going crazy, but that's pretty much it. Instead she expresses her opinions through whining and through other vocalisations that I don't even have a word for.

Kaija is incredibly easy to work with. She forgives my handling mistakes and powers through even if I'm being annoyingly unclear in what I want from her. I'm a very green handler so it helps immensely that she is so resilient and optimistic. Plus, Kaija is easy to motivate, she loves food and will work for kibble if the environment isn't too difficult, and she's had pretty decent toy skills almost from the start. But the best thing is seeing how much she enjoys our training itself. Yes, the rewards are important to her and I'm more than happy to use them liberally, but you can't miss how she lights up when I bring out our training equipment. I think she loves the puzzle of it and getting it right, as well as simply the chance to work together with me.

We'll be ending this year with one last rally trial on the 18th. I'm really hoping for two more >90% scores - we already have two from our previous trial and four is the max before you have to move on to the next class. I think it would be nice to have all four qualifying scores and start getting ready for RO-2 in the spring. That being said, our biggest struggle is still sustaining focus and engagement through the whole course and this will be a brand new indoor venue for us... So we'll see how it goes.

For the first year-ish that I had Kaija, I wasn't sure whether this breed was right for me or whether we were the best fit. I had the puppy blues for a few months and then for a long time I just had this vague feeling that we weren't completely clicking, like something just wasn't fitting quite right. I remember how in the beginning I was so impressed with her spark and willingness to work with me, but I also felt a bit bad because I knew that someone more experienced could do so much more with her. But we're figuring it out together and I'm slowly learning how to be a better teacher to her. Besides, although I do believe she enjoys the work, she isn't obsessive about and it's only one part of what makes a happy Kaija. So maybe a filthy casual owner such as myself is just the sweet spot for her. I'm still not convinced that I'll have more Aussies in the future (I have to say tho, it's getting dangerously difficult to remember exactly why I was so sure I shouldn't), but holy shit is this dog everything to me. 

Ok that's enough gushing about my puppy for now.

[citruswriter]

ok ok hear me out.. rottmnt boys x an autistic reader who is sensitive to / scared of loud sounds so when the 4th of July comes around the reader pretty much just starts tripping balls and on the verge of a meltdown? This happens to me often so it would mean a lot to me

ROTTMNT Boys x ND Reader during 4th of July

Listen with me! ↠ⁿᵉˣᵗ ˢᵒⁿᵍ ↺ ʳᵉᵖᵉᵃᵗ ⊜ ᵖᵃᵘˢᵉ

Warnings: Meltdown, lots of crying, nonverbalness with Raph and Donnie, fluff and comfort, neurodivergent/autistic Reader, Reader wears a bra in Donnie's section (ur wearing the fckn bra Joey).

A/N: Ok no bc last year the fireworks scared me so badly and I cried and I didn't know why bc fireworks never scared me before but I had a total meltdown and had to hide in the car while my husband gave me his noise cancelling headphones. 😭😭😭 W Husband.

It had been a long day for you. It was the 4th of July and you and your family had decided to have a potluck party. Of course you went, bringing food of your own and eating as you conversed with aunts, uncles, cousins, and the likes. After awhile the sun began to set and you decided it was time to get home before it got completely dark. Saying your goodbyes, you decided to call your favorite turtle.

"Yeah the potluck was good. The family really wants to meet you, you know?. I can only keep my boyfriend elusive for so long". You teased with a giggle. "Oh come on. You know it's not as simple as that. I'd love to meet your parents though". His voice came back. You went to reply, but a loud crack was heard in the sky, causing you to shriek. "Baby? Baby you ok?" His voice came, but it sounded far off. Your head began to spin and your chest felt tight, tears welling up in your eyes.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I forgot about the fucking fireworks was all you thought as you stumbled back, stumbling into a nearby wall, hand clutching your phone into a death grip. "Stay right there! I'm coming to get you!"

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Raphael x Reader 🧡

It wasn't long before you felt fingers wrap around your upper arms. You jerked away, sobbing and whipping your head around. "Shhhhh. It's just me, strawberry". A soothing voice came. "I'm going to pick you up ok?" All you could do was nod as Raph picked you up, pressing one ear to his chest as he covered the other with his hand. He sprang from rooftop to rooftop before finding his way to the lair.

Everything was so loud but as the two of you shimmied into the sewers, everything became muffled. "Do you wanna walk on your own?" He asked gently and you shook your head, clutching onto him for dear life. Raph nodded, carrying you down the sewer lines before reaching the lair. "I'm gonna take you to the room, ok?" He said gently, taking you to his bedroom and laying you down on his bed. "Do you need anything?" He asked and you chewed your lip in thought. He seemed to pick up on the fact that you were nonverbal.

"Do you want something to eat?" You shook your head no. "What about something to drink?" You thought before nodding. "Water?" No. "Juice?" Yes. He nodded and held out his hands. "Tap my left hand for apple juice, right hand for orange juice". He said and you thought for a moment before tapping one of his hands. He nodded and left for a moment. You pulled yourself up in a half sat up position, taking a few deep breaths to clear your still ringing head.

Your head jerked towards the door as Raph stepped back in, a glass full of juice. He smiled softly, sitting on the bed next to you and handing the glass to you. Shaky hands reached out to glass, grasping it firmly before bringing it up to your mouth to chug as much as you needed. A smack of your lips and a sigh left you before you handed the glass to him. "Thanks, Raphie." You croaked out with a soft smile.

"Anything for you." He said softly, crawling into bed with you to hold you close. "Wanna spend the night here? Pretty sure you have a few sets of jammies over here." He asked gently and you smiled up at him, hand reaching to gently cradle his jaw. "I'd love that. Thank you." You muttered before giving him a kiss.

"Anything for you, my love".

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Leonardo x Reader 🧡

It seemed like only moments before a hand grabbed yours. You whipped around to see your boyfriend, tears spilling over your cheeks as he grabbed his sword to portal. He pulled you through and suddenly... everything was quiet. You gasped a breath before sobbing. "It's ok. It's ok. I've got you." Leo's soft voice came as he wrapped his arms around you. You broke down sobbing, your ears still ringing from the fireworks.

Hands gently tugged you to the bed. "Wait here." He said before springing out. You whined as he left, clutching your head, but he returned only moments later. He handed a glass of water to you and you sucked it down within seconds. "Here." His gentle voice came as he crouched down, hands reaching to slowly take off your shoes. "Movie night sound good?" He asked, looking up to you with a soft smile and you nodded.

Leo turned on his TV, letting you pick the movie before taking the blanket he had snagged and spreading it over the bed. You seemed to visibly relax as you felt the pressure of the weighted blanket press into you. "Sometimes Donnie gets overstimulated and uses a weighted blanket to calm down, so I asked him if I could borrow it for you". He said with a proud grin and you smiled up at him, hands reaching for him to drag him into bed with you.

"My hero." You said softly, voice barely above a whisper. Leo's eyes seemed to light up. Maybe he wasn't the most experienced with relationships, but he always enjoyed making you happy and meeting your needs. "I love you, mi amor". He muttered, lips pressing a kiss to your temple. You hummed back and reached your hands up to cup his cheeks, angling him so you could give him a sweet kiss.

"I love you too, Leonardo".

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Donatello x Reader 🧡

Donnie found you within seconds. His heart almost broke as he saw you shaking and sobbing. Hands slipped a device over your ears and you looked up as the world became muffled. Noise cancelling headphones. "I've got you". He signed. It took you a moment to decipher it, you weren't as good at sign as he was. But eventually you nodded and he approached you, hands hovering over your body, silently asking if it was ok to touch you. You nodded and leaned forward towards him, legs shaky. Donnie scooped you up, holding you close as he used his tech to quickly bring the both of you to the lair.

Once you made it inside, he made it clear to his brothers that he would be unavailable for the night. One glance at your trembling body and tear stained face and they immediately understood. He brought you inside the lab, laying you on his bed before taking the headphones off. "You better now?" He asked softly, hand reaching up to caress your face. You took a deep breath and nodded. "Can you talk?" He asked and you shook your head, tapping your throat. Donnie just nodded in understanding. "Can I get you anything?"

You tilted your head to the side, trying to remember the signs he had taught you. "Tea. Heavy blanket." Was all you signed before your boyfriend kissed your forehead and got to work. You leaned up against the wall, breathing deeply as you tried to calm your nerves. "Aaaaaand here you go." He said with a soft smile, handing you a cup of tea before spreading the weighted blanket over you. "If you need me, I'll be at my desk working, ok?" He said and you nodded, lifting your head for a kiss. Donnie just chuckled, bending down kiss your lips before leaving you to your own devices. You scrolled on your phone as you drank your tea, slowly relaxing more and more.

Eventually you felt sleepy, yawning and stretching your arms. The motion caught Donnie's eye and he smiled over at you lovingly before pulling himself away from his work. "Is it bedtime?" He asked and you nodded, taking off your jeans so you could lay down comfortably. "Want one of my hoodies?" He asked and you gazed up at him, blinking slowly before nodding. He went to snag a comfy sweater, coming back to see you taking off your shirt and struggling with your bra. "Let me, dove". He murmured, snapping your bra off and kissing your shoulder as he helped you slide it off before handing you the hoodie to shimmy into.

You smiled contently before laying down. Donnie took off his gear before laying down with you. "You know, I think I'm awfully tired myself." He said, snuggling into you and you looked up at him with a giggle, grabbing his face gently to pepper his face with kisses. Donnie couldn't help but let out a few chirps, nuzzling into your hands.

"You're too sweet to me, Donnie". You murmured, snuggling into him. Donnie just smiled softly, gently grasping your jaw so he could give you a bunch of kisses on your lips and cheeks. You giggled sleepily. "Mkay stawp. It bedtime". You said, speech slurred with how tired you were. Donnie smiled and held you close, hand tangled in your hair. As he watched you sleep, he couldn't help but stare at you lovingly.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Michaelangelo x Reader 🧡

You were clutching your chest, the fireworks ringing in your head. Two hands gently grasped your shoulders and you jerked your head up, blurry vision focusing enough to see your boyfriend. You sobbed and stumbled into his arms. Clutching onto him as he opened a portal and pulled you through and into his bedroom. You collapsed to your knees, hugging yourself and rocking softly in an attempt to calm yourself. Mikey crouched down in front of you, face worried. "Hey. Hey it's ok. C-Can I touch you?" He asked gently, tone unsure.

You took a deep breath and nodded. Mikey opened his arms and tugged you into his embrace. He whispered sweet things into your ear, one hand in your hair and the other half way up your shirt as he rubbed circles on your bare side. You clutched him close, doing your best to take deep breaths and ground yourself in reality. Eventually your breathing evened out and you nuzzled into his neck. "You a bit better, sunshine?" He asked softly, nuzzling you back as you nodded. "I could really go for a shower..." You sighed out. "You wanna take one alone or are you good if I join you?" He asked softly and you hummed in thought before lifting your head. "I'd like to take one with you if that's ok".

Mikey just chirped and excitedly nodded. "Of course, sunshine." He said before rushing off to the bathroom to start a shower. You chuckled softly, digging through his dresser to get a pair of the jammies he had gotten you forever ago. "It's ready!" Came his voice. You undressed and got into the shower with him.

The two of you took your time. Him washing your hair, you scrubbing his shell, him messaging your body with the body soap, you attacking his cute face with kisses. The two of you just spent time to decompress, you especially after the meltdown you had. "Feeling better?" Mikey asked once more and you smiled softly, hugging him and resting your head on his plastron. "Much. Thank you so much". You replied.

Mikey kissed your forehead and grinned. "You wanna get some pizza and play video games after this?" He asked, hopeful that you weren't too exhausted to pass up gaming. You looked up at him mischievously and giggled. "You already know it. I'm gonna kick your ass". Mikey laughed and squeezed your sides. "Oh you're so on".

You and Mikey spent the rest of the night eating pizza and playing video games, loudly talking shit to one another and winning rounds against each other until the two of you were so tired and ready to go to bed.

"I love you so much". He churred out, fingers tracing the features of your face. You hummed and nuzzled into his wrist. "I love you too, darling." You tilted your head to place a soft kiss to his mouth. His hand slid up to your face, gently deepening the kiss before pulling away and snuggling into you.

"My beautiful angel".

Haiiiiiii. Hope ya'll enjoyed dis. Fanks and byeeeeeee.

[hwanchaesong]

━⁠☞🍽️ Second Course: He treats you so well, and you're naive enough to believe that only you have the key to his tasty heart. Or his pants. 🥢

🎧: Olivia Rodrigo - Traitor

wc: 1.0k

genre & warnings: angst, some fluff, mentions of sex, cursing, crying, there's another girl, lovers to exes, pure heartbreak :D , Yeji of ITZY special appearance etc etc

a/n: this is a part of The Sour Restaurant series. if y'all want, you can read the other album inspired fics of other groups here.

ps. i've already reposted this but it still won't appear under the tags that i've put so ig i'll just let it be lmao. imma just post it the way it is bc i'm tired of trying and thinking on what to do to make it work.

At the tender age of 13, you took note of everything that was written in an article that you accidentally opened and read on a fishy website entitled, 'Signs that your partner is falling out of love.'

You thought it would help you avoid conflict with a future partner, it would help you evade an impending heartbreak, but nothing can prepare you for the real world, it seems.

Your boyfriend, Park Seonghwa, was the definition of a picture perfect man.

He's kind, respectful and loving. He had all the love languages.

He never shunned away from skinship, and most of the time, he's the one who's initiating it. Giving you hugs and kisses even in public without any ounce of shame.

Even when he's busy, he still gives you the time of his day. Often, he would choose to lose sleep if it means that he'll be able to talk and see you after a long, tiring day at work.

He's also the type to buy 'just because' gifts. Randomly walking around a park then he'll see this cute bunny keychain, buying it immediately so he can give it to you because the bunny reminds him of you.

Fixing collars, tying shoelaces, cooking you food— he does it all, and naturally too. The way he pampers you like a mother hen is the sweetest thing you have ever seen in a man.

The most important thing though? It's his ability to listen and soothe all your worries away. He tells you that if you're overthinking, you can simply say it to him and he'll gladly give you all the assurance that you need.

So, what went wrong? Where did it go wrong? Is there something wrong with you?

The situation at hand made you question yourself, then again, are you really the problem here?

"The least you can give me is a reasonable explanation!" you yelled, gripping Seonghwa's arm that was holding his suitcase, attempting to stop him from leaving you without any form of closure.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" he snapped, raising his usual soft voice at you, something that he has never done before.

"A reason! Explanation, anything! Why are you suddenly breaking up with me?!" you blinked rapidly, the itchiness in your throat makes it harder for you to breathe, and the sinking feeling of dread in your stomach is urging you to vomit.

This is so fucking messed up.

Just last night, Seonghwa was fine. He even made love to you in your shared bed, whispering how good you are for him.

Last week, he brought you flowers. Last last week, he took you to a nice restaurant for dinner. Last month, he took you to Maldives for a summer getaway.

Nothing changed and everything felt the same, thus, the current happenings don't make sense.

You come home from work and the next thing you know, your significant other of how many years are mumbling nonsense of going separate ways. That you two are better off without the other.

You just don't fucking understand what the hell went wrong.

"I don't love you anymore."

You never knew that a mere sentence that is composed of five words is more than enough to break your heart, your world.

He doesn't love you anymore?

"Since when?" you weakly muttered, wanting answers that will probably hurt you more.

"For the last few months."

You winced, there were no signs of him not loving you. He must be lying, his shaky chocolate orbs say otherwise.

"Okay." you speak, no more energy to fight for him, to fight for a battle that is not worth the blood, sweat, and tears.

Just like that, you watched him walk away. Out of your home, out of your life, and you were left alone. Crying your heart out, gripping your chest as it physically hurts as well, the pain searing through you.

Two weeks later.

Your friend, Yeji, was making a ruckus, she was basically shoving her phone in your face.

"Y/N, look! Isn't this your ex?"

You peeked at the device, and your heart dropped along with your mood.

What the fuck?

That is your only reaction at the photo posted on Seonghwa's instagram because it hasn't been a month, and here he is, with a girl that he's being lovey-dovey with.

A girl.. a familiar one.

"That fucker." you uttered menacingly, your fists tightly clenched on your lap as your friends worriedly glanced at you.

Isn't that the one you asked him about? The fucking girl that was lingering around him all the damn time like a wretched fly. He told she's nothing but a co-worker.

Sure. Kissing your co-worker on the cheeksin a field of maple trees is very professional, isn't it?

You are not sure what to feel. He broke up with you so he could date that girl, it seems.

Should you be thankful? Or should you curse him until he dies?

Either way, now that you're thinking about it, maybe he really didn't fall out of love with you, just that he found someone that he loves more. There was no proof, but there was evidence of his upcoming betrayal.

The way he was always on his phone, and maybe, all the things he had done for you before were nothing but distractions so you wouldn't notice what he was doing behind your back.

A lady's gut never lies, yet you choose to ignore it, and this is what you get.

You laughed yet the tears dripping down your cheeks is the complete opposite of your actions.

Not once did you hear him apologize during the argument about the break-up, and my god, did you hate him so much for entering your life like a storm and leaving such a mess behind.

Park Seonghwa is no cheater, but he is a raging traitor.

Then again, no one is at fault here but you, as you should've seen this coming. You should've been alert, using your rationality instead of your useless heart, and now you're paying the price for his treason.

taglist:

@acciocriativity @iarayara @stolasisyourparent @shakalakaboomboo @xdannix @nsixns

[nkplanet]

FIRST & SECOND

PAIRING: highschool!jungwon x highschool!reader SUMMARY: yang jungwon is your academic rival. the competitiveness between the two of you finally stops when you begin to crack under the pressure WARNINGS: angst (with comfort), toxic parents, jungwon is a little mean, reader skips meals/doesn’t take care of themselves, rushed ending bc i didn’t know how to end this whoopsies WORD COUNT: 1430

NOTE: happy christmas to all who celebrate! and if you don’t, i hope you’ve had a wonderful day anyway. feel free to talk to me about how your day was, even if it wasn’t the best!! 🫶 this fic is my gift to you - enjoy :)

yang jungwon had never been the nicest to you, but it wasn’t like you never reciprocated his snappy comments. sure, you were civil, but the constant competition between the two of you left things tense. even your teachers could sense it, trying to calm things down but failing miserably. you were the highest scoring students in your year, always one or two marks away from each other. some students even placed bets on which one of you would would get the highest scores after exams.

“so,” jungwon drawled from where he was sat behind you, “what do we think this time? personally, i think i’m going to exceed all expectations, and you’ll crash and burn.” you turned around and scoffed, “in your dreams, yang. we both know i’m going to be first this time.”

jungwon simply laughed at you, and you felt anger bubble up inside your chest. it was a math test and, although you were admittedly pretty good at math, jungwon beat you in every exam. his brain was somehow hardwired to remember every single topic you’d ever learned, and he wrote so impossibly fast that he often finished before many were halfway through their tests.

getting home that night, you knew your parents wouldn’t be happy. every time you had an assessment of any kind, they would ridicule you and force you to study until you passed out. tonight wouldn’t be any different.

you were immediately threatened with no dinner unless you studied, a meal which you often skipped in favour of looking over notes anyway. in fact, there were many things that you missed out during the day. you rarely stuck to a skincare routine, as they never fit into your rigorous schedules. it was rare that you really took the time to take care of yourself. although you knew it wasn’t healthy, your parents perpetuated this behaviour to the point where it was now your norm. and so, you began studying. you continued all through the night, almost forgetting to stop for a snack. it was only when you practically passed out on top of your textbooks that you stopped and had some rest.

it seemed when you woke up that your non-stop studying had finally caught up with you. you almost didn’t wake up with your alarm, and panicked after forgetting one of your books. you almost missed the bus but, when you finally got to school and embraced the peace that came with it, a nagging voice in your ear began tormenting you.

“so, almost late today? you’re really slipping, huh?” jungwon teased, leaning on your desk. you glared up at him through your lashes. “i’m not in the mood, yang. leave me alone.” “gosh, so rude. what must your parents think?” that one got you. you but your tongue, despite wanting to both cry and rip jungwon’s head off. you folded your arms and laid your head on them, effectively blocking jungwon out.

he looked confused as he walked behind you to his seat. where was your spark? normally you but him back. were his words really affecting you all that much? he stared at your slumped body in concern, absently flicking through his textbook as an attempt at some last minute revision. you stayed still, not moving a muscle. it was almost like you didn’t care anymore.

in reality, you didn’t. you’d gotten less than jungwon in that test. so much less that you placed fourth in your year. upon hearing of this, your parents went ballistic. they yelled at you, called you a failure and a disgrace, all while you simply sat and stared. you didn’t care anymore. you’d burnt yourself out, and it seemed like you didn’t want to do anything anymore.

people began to take note of your spiral. your teachers, especially, who offered you the minimum they could. you could hear your fellow students murmuring, wondering what had happened for you to fall so far. most of all, jungwon had grown increasingly worried about you. his recent quips (not that there had been many - in fact, he’d laid off a little) had gone unnoticed, and it was like nothing existed to you anymore. your grades continued to fall, as did your rivalry with jungwon.

after an essay, jungwon decided enough was enough. he stopped at your desk, tapping you on the shoulder to wake you from where you were slumped over, sleeping. “what do you want?” you mumbled, not meeting his eyes. “are you okay?” he asked. you could hear concern in his voice but failed to see how or why he felt that way. what if this was all just a trick? “i’m fine, yang. it’s none of your business anyway,” you retorted, looking away from him. “it’s just- you seem really down. you don’t talk to anyone, not even our teachers, and your grades have slipped-“ “is that was this is about? my grades? you couldn’t care less about me, you only want a competition. well, fuck you, jungwon. i don’t care anymore. i’m not gonna be your stupid punching bag.” he took a step back, looking genuinely offended. “fine. if that’s how you want it, that’s how it’ll be. good luck and good riddance.”

the next few weeks were hard. you’d come to realise that jungwon was the only person you really connected with at school, despite your rivalry. the isolation started getting to you, which was how you found yourself seeking him out. he’d been sat at his desk studying in a free period, and the classroom was almost empty. you walked up to his desk, and he looked up from his textbook.

“hi,” you said quietly, your voice cracking and tears coming to your eyes.

he stood up almost immediately, wrapping his arms around you tightly and leading you outside while you cried into his shirt. he shushed you as you continued to sob, stroking your hair. “it’s okay,” he said countless times, “you can cry.” you pushed away from him slightly, looking up at him with wet cheeks and red eyes. “i’m sorry,” you whispered. his heart broke at the sight of you.“you have nothing to be sorry about. if anything, i’m the one that’s sorry - i shouldn’t have said all those awful things to you. it was wrong of me,” he replied softly. you scoffed lightly, “we both said them, we’re both in the wrong here.” he just smiled at you.

you knew eventually you’d have to explain yourself, so you took a deep breath and looked away.

“my parents,” you started. jungwon tried to cut you off, tried to tell you that you didn’t have to tell him, but you raised a hand and continued. “my parents wanted me to be the best. they wanted me to be really smart, to go on to university and make the family proud. every time i got second place, they’d say these awful things. i just kept working harder and harder until i broke, i guess.” jungwon looked at you with something like empathy in his gorgeous eyes. “just how hard did you say you were working?” “hard,” you replied, “i know it’s not right, but sometimes i- i forget to take care of myself. i felt like i needed to forgo things so that i could be better.” he tutted, pulling you against his chest again. some nearby students gawped at you, and he sent them a terrifying glare. “you need to take care of yourself. this isn’t right.”

you simply sighed and buried yourself further into his arms. “i know, but right now i feel better than i have in weeks.” jungwon pulled away from you slightly, a scared look on his face. “listen,” he said, “i have something to tell you.” you became wary, untangling your arms from his. “i’ve liked you for a while. i guess i teased you to, i don’t know, bury the feelings? but i just can’t keep them in anymore. i really do like you.”

you couldn’t find the words to reply. he started to panic, stumbling over words to defend himself, so you did the one thing on your mind - you pulled him in by the collar of his shirt and kissed him.

he short-circuited, standing stiffly before kissing you back. one of his hands reached the back of your neck, while the other rested on your waist. when you separated, he said breathlessly, "i'm guessing that means you feel the same way?" you smiled at him, a sight he'd never be able to get enough of. "yes, you loser. i really like you too."

[talaok]

Hey. I have an idea for pedro and reader

The reader's ex calls her in the middle of the night begging her back to him and the reader gets out the bedroom trying not to wake pedro up and avoid any fight but he wakes up and gets jealous and angry

Jealous Pedro is my own personal curse lol, I genuinely don’t get why you like him. But for you? Anything babes. Also, happy ending won in the poll, but thanks to an anon I've decided to write both endings bc I'm an asshole

warnings: jealousy, angst

Pt.2

Oh fuck please not again.

Your phone buzzed on the nightstand, and you didn’t even need to look at the caller to know who it was.

Only one person would call you at 4:45 am. the same one that had been flooding you with texts and calls for a week now.

You had been ignoring him, telling yourself that “It’s just a phase” and “it’ll pass”, but god, had you been wrong.

You and Jason had broken up two years ago now, and casually, just when you had finally made your relationship with Pedro public, he felt the need to connect with you again.

That's not how Jason had always been, he was once caring and fun and everything you needed... until he wasn't.

He hadn't taken your breaking up with him well, and you tried to be understanding of it, god knows you had been in the same position too once or twice, your heart broken, your mind confused- but then when after two months he'd still call you crying, you decided to give him a little tough love by texting him something that could be summarized in "I know you're hurt but this is getting kind of ridiculous at this point" and by blocking him.

Somewhere after that, for some godforsaken reason, you had decided to unblock him, and to really show off your decision-making skills, you even answered the phone when he had called you last week, finding him in tears, begging for a second chance.

If you were anyone to judge, this call wasn't gonna be much different, but this story had to end at one point, and as you got up from the bed, sneaking out of the room as Pedro breathed soft snores into the air, you decided the time had come.

"Jason?" you whispered, tiptoeing to the living room.

"baby? Oh my god it's really you, I've been trying to call you"

"yeah I saw" you stated, not short of sarcasm

"Oh t-that's ok, you were busy I jus-"

"no Jason I wasn't busy, this is inappropriate"

"Wha-what are you talking about baby, I love you" 

there went the tears again

"Jason I'm sorry alright, but I don't, I have a boyfriend, I'm happy"

"no you don't understand babe I can't live without you, I love you more than life y/n, more than anything... I- I need you"

"Jason we broke up a long time ago. It's over. It has been for a while now"

"you don't mean that baby, we love each other, remember how good we were together? I know you do"

"stop calling me baby and stop calling me in general Jason. I don't love you and I don't want to get back together" Your voice raised to a whispery-yell as you got more frustrated.

"Why are you whispering- Is he there? Let me talk to him"

"why would I do that? What would you even want to tell him?"

"I'm sure I can make him understand, man to man y'konw-"

"oh shut up" you rolled your eyes "Jason stop calling me"

"but bab-"

"No. No buts, it's over. we're never getting back together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to sleep, and I suggest you do the same"

"y/n please- I love you, I need you I-"

"goodnight Jason. Don't call me again" You didn't give him time to finish as you hung up, throwing your phone on the couch and closing your eyes as you took a very well-deserved deep breath.

Fuck this shit man.

"Who was it?"

You jumped on your feet, a shiver of fear running down your spine as you turned towards the ominous voice.

"Pedro-" you sighed, taking in his sleep-filled expression.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you" he apologized, with a soft chuckle "Who were you talking to?"

shit

"uh- don't worry, it was no one"

"I don't think it was no one if you got up at 4 in the morning to answer, did something happen?"

"no-no nothing like that, it's stupid, don't worry"

He frowned as he studied your expression, clearly confused at your secrecy.

"Who was it?"

Your eyes focused behind him at the glimpse of your room the opened door granted.

Everything was fine just 10 minutes ago...

"It was Jason"

Pedro paused a moment, taken aback by your answer

"Jason as in your ex-boyfriend Jason?" he asked "And why exactly was Jason calling you in the middle of the night?"

"it's not what you think" 

This was why you didn't want him to know.

He had a history with unfaithfulness, the woman before you had cheated on him multiple times and left him hurt and bruised, and it was hard for him to fully trust you - or anyone for that matter- after that.

you didn't want him to close off again, you trusted each other, and you feared this would have given him a reason to get back to old habits.

"It's not? 'cause it sure looks like it"

"no, let me explain-" you got closer to him.

"I'm so fucking stupid" he huffed, not listening to you 

"no you're not, just-listen to me" you said, putting a hand on his chest in an attempt to calm him down

He watched you, hurt and anger in his eyes, but he took a breath, nodding as he grumbled a "fine"

"He's been calling me for a while-"

"is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Baby, let me talk" you reminded him, and he gave you another non-enthusiastic nod "He's been calling me since I made our relationship public, saying that he wants to get back with me and that he loves me..." you paused, glancing at the way he tightened his fists by his side "and I've been ignoring him because-" your lips turned into a soft smile as you reached for his hand "...well because I've got you, and I don't want anybody else in the world except you"

You intertwined your fingers with his and brought his hand up to your mouth to leave a quick kiss on it.

"and the only reason why I answered tonight is because I was sick of it, and I wanted to tell him once and for all that we're done because I love you, and only you Pedro" You stood on your tiptoes to kiss his cheek "I promise"

You saw the way your words affected him.

And as much as he tried to fight it, you were always the only one able to calm him down, even when his worst fear came to life. Because he loved you, but most importantly... he trusted you.

"are you telling the truth?" he finally asked, as if in his mind he wasn't praying for you to be doing just that.

He didn't want to lose you, he couldn't.

"I am baby. I swear" 

His eyes left yours for a second as he took a deep breath

"why didn't you tell me? I would have done something, I would have gone have a talk with that asshole"

You let out a small laugh

"yeah, a talk" you teased, raising your eyebrows "And besides it didn't matter, it was just a stupid thing not worth your time"

he took your other hand in his, shaking his head

"if he, or anybody else, does this again you tell me, ok?" 

As much as you wanted to joke about how many crazy exes he believed you had, you decided this wasn't the time.

"ok" you smiled "I promise"

"good" he nodded, bending down to ghost your lips "Now let's go to bed so I can remind you of a few things I'm sure I'm better at than Jason"

__ __ __

or... (angst with no happy ending)

__ __ __

"It's not what you think"

"It's not? 'cause it sure looks like it"

"It was just a phone call Pedro, just let me explain"

"A phone call with your ex-boyfriend"

"yes, exactly my ex-boyfriend"

"This is unbelievable," he huffed, passing a hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture "I fucking trusted you. You made me trust you, and then... then you go screw that fucking asshole behind my back"

"I'm not screwing anybody"

"sure you aren't" he turned to walk away, but you grabbed his arm.

"Listen to me"

"To what? more lies?" he snapped 

"No Pedro I can explain if you just let me talk"

"I don't need an explanation, I know exactly what's going on, just- leave me, I'll go"

"Just like that?" you questioned "You don't even wanna hear me out for a second? You so easily lose all the trust you had in me?"

"Can you blame me?" 

"This is ridiculous, I've answered the phone to tell him to stop calling, that's the only reason why! I'm not cheating on you" you spoke, your tone getting louder "And the fact that you came to that conclusion so quickly is fucking insulting"

"right" he snickered "so you answered the phone at four in the morning to tell him to stop calling, very believable y/n" he shook his head "and to think you're a fucking actress"

"fuck you Pedro" you spat out "You know what? I deserve someone who trusts me, who lets me fucking speak and explain myself, not someone who at the first mistake throws me out like trash"

"And I deserve someone who's not a cheater. Guess we both deserve better"

"I guess we do"

[abbyromanoff]

omg i have one!! can u do like a soft one where wanda is like crushing hard on r but r completely oblivious bc she’s never been w someone romantically? and then wanda has that moment where she just confesses and it’s all dramatic like in the movies???? <33

LAST MOMENTS

PAIRINGS: Wanda Maximoff x reader

WORD COUNT: 1,670

WARNINGS: angst, heartbreak, depression, mentions of suicide, coma’s, confessions, happy ending, think that’s all :)

NO ONE IS PERMITTED TO STEAL, COPY, OR REBLOG MY WORK AS THEIR OWN!!

It was a cold night in the middle of Winter, your clock reading 12:46 AM, when you got the news. You never usually got calls, especially not at this time, so you were instantly plagued with worry.

Turns out you were right to fear as the woman on the phone who informed you of her role as a doctor at a nearby hospital was the one informing you of the tragic events. Your best friend Wanda had gotten involved in drunk driving and drove her car into a tree. The engine was burning and all she wanted to do was plummet into the warmth that she found to be death.

But a small part of her was still begging for life, a true life that held more meaning than just survival. You were the only promising thing left in her life, but she knew that was more likely to disappear with her growing feelings for you. She didn’t mean for it to happen, it’s not like she wanted it to either, but you were just different.

You weren’t like any ex or fling she had, you were her person and you had been for years now. She wasn’t going to risk losing you by expressing the deep love and passion she held for you, her best friend.

You rushed to the hospital, not bothering to change into something other than your pajamas, even if you felt goosebumps covering your skin. It was cold, freezing, but your mind couldn’t process that. All you knew was that you felt sick, you needed to make sure she was okay. If she wasn’t, you didn’t know how you’d live with yourself.

“Wanda Maximoff, what room is she?” The receptionist took in your disheveled features and quickly granted you the knowledge of her room number, only to then inform you that you weren’t allowed to see her just yet. You wanted to cry, to yell, but nothing came out. Her calls for your attention went deaf to your ears as you slowly took a seat, resting your head in your hands and nearly ripping your hair follicles out.

Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like days before you were granted permission to see her. She was still asleep as you begged her silently to awaken, but there was no response. And that continued for days.

Every day you’d leave for work, visit the hospital, and return home to get dressed and shower. You lacked every important aspect of your life, sleep, eating, but most importantly, Wanda. You didn’t care how long you went before you’d pass out or die of pure hunger, you couldn’t do a thing without her. She was your reason to keep going, what else was left if she wasn’t?

Then it became months, four to be exact. Your other friends would urge you to get some rest when noticing your eye bags and the lack of concentration you held at work. But you denied it, assuring them that you were fine and had to go, little did they know you were once again returning to your spot on the hospital chair beside Wanda’s bed.

The doctors were starting to lose hope and so were you, no matter how much you tried to convince yourself that she would be okay. This wasn’t normal for this type of injury, the medical workers estimated that the longest she’d be in this coma was two weeks, and she was way passed that date. But you still refused to leave her side in hopes that it wasn’t all for nothing.

“Ms. Y/L/N, I know this must be hard for you to hear-”

“Hard? Really? That’s it? My best fucking friend has been stuck in that bed unresponsive for months and you’ve done nothing about it!” You yelled in the woman’s face, taking out every ounce of anger you held. It wasn’t necessarily her fault, but it was not like she was doing much to help her, not that there was anything she could do.

“I’m going to need you to calm down, Ma’am.” She calmly asserted, only frustrating you further

“How the fuck do you expect me to calm down when you’re telling me you want to kill her?” You were unreasonable at this point, but love did such cruelty to a person.

“That’s not what we’re saying, Miss. All I’m trying to tell you is that if she does not wake up we’ll have no choice but to pull the plug.” She spoke as if it meant nothing, like the life of one of the best people you knew had no meaning to her.

“She’ll wake up, I know it.” The nurse sighed and nodded with a tight-lipped smile before leaving the room, letting you be alone with the redhead.

“Please, Wanda, please wake up, I need you. I don’t think I can live without you.” You held her hand tightly, hoping for some sort of movement but receiving none. It haunted you through your nightmares and daydreams, there was no escape to the harsh reality. But you weren’t giving up on her, not yet.

Another month passed as your hope continued to fade along with your body. You were barely alive, every day your exhaustion and pity for yourself grew. You didn’t know how you were able to keep your job or your apartment that you never went to. Your boss had recognized your issues and gave you multiple weeks off at different points which you were beyond grateful for. You haven’t slept in your own bed since that night, it was either the one at Wanda’s flat or the uncomfortable seat they gave you here.

You were coming home from work, taking a quick shower, and grabbing a granola bar before quickly driving back to your newfound home. The lady at the desk knew you by name, that’s what happened when you came here daily. It was sad really, how you gave up your entire life because of the tragedy. But you knew you’d choose to ruin yourself for her over and over if you had the choice.

But this time was different, you still held your head low as you waltzed into the room, it was too hard to even look at her state. But when you heard a whisper of your name, your head shot up, and everything held in your hands dropped as you spotted her, she was awake.

“Wanda…” You ran over to her at record speeds, wrapping your arms around her tightly as you cried into her shoulder. You were so scared this was yet another dream that you couldn’t decipher as a nightmare or just another loss of hope.

“You’re awake.” You stated the obvious, the staff leaving the room to let you two be. You were almost jealous that they got to witness the moment she woke up.

“I was asking everyone where you were, I was so scared that you finally left.” The news shattered you and the way she spoke with such uncertainty only worsened it. You pulled back, grasping both of her tear-stained cheeks in your hands and rubbing softly with your thumb, She leaned into the feeling, a small smile quirking at her lips from the act.

“I could never give up on you, Wands, never.” She told you everything, how she was able to hear every word you spoke to her while she was asleep, and how it pained her to know how much trouble she caused you. Looking at your face, you looked horrible. You were still beautiful in her eyes, you always would be, but you looked so unhealthy, so different. She didn’t even know who was staring back at her.

You used to be a ball of joy wherever you went, radiating with happiness that could make anyone smile. But now? Now you looked as if you had been tortured for years, yet you were the torturer.

“I’m sorry-”

“No, no, don’t apologize, alright? You’re gonna be okay.” You quickly cut her off, trying your best to muster out a smile for her sake.

“But are you?” The question caught you off guard. Not once had someone asked if you were truly okay during this period of your life, most already knew the answer. Hell, you hadn’t even bothered to ask yourself that, you were too focused on if she would be okay. You were too worried about her to worry about you, something only pure love could cause. It was crazy how something that was described to be so magical could leave you barely standing.

“I have you, why wouldn’t I be?” She wiped the tears that had forced their way out of you. You tried holding back, but there was no stopping it now.

“Fuck, I’m- I’m sorry.” You challenged yourself to look away and hide, but she eased you back in her direction. There was no shame with her, there never was and that’s what you loved most about her.

“It’s my fault you’ve become so…different.” She acknowledged, blinking away the blur that started to appear in her eyes.

“No, it’s mine. You made a stupid decision but my reaction isn’t your fault.” She nodded, trying to move herself on the bed so you could sit with her. She just wanted to rest, and you would finally be able to do so knowing she would still be there when you woke up.

“I love you, Y/N.” She had repeated the phrase many times, but the both of you could feel the difference this time. There was more sincerity, more meaning to it. It wasn’t what you’d tell your family or closest friends,

“I love you more.” You uttered, staring at her lips as she did the same. You felt your lips brush against her soft ones and sucked a deep breath in, your eyes fluttering shut as you sank into the feeling. When you both pulled away after the difficulty to breathe increased, there were smiles planted on both of your faces.

“Not possible.”

[idkbutimgabby]

🤍 Good Days ♠️

Hey loves... idk what has been going on but I've been feeling so emotional lately 😭 idk why bc I literally had my period already and I usually get super emotional right before... sorry if that's TMI but I'm so confused 😭 anyways this is the result of that. I hope you like it. I hope you cried as much as I have while writing this and looking for inspo.

word count: 1k

trope:

-fem!reader x bestfriend!leeknow

warnings: ANGST if I haven't made that clear enough, character death, car crash, drunk driving, cuts (? not sh just a tw jic) grieving, cursing, fluffy

Im so sorry 😭 my Instagram is cursed because why do I keep getting reel after reel of some heart wrenching story? Istg all I do is cry for strangers on the Internet ✊😔 Anyways I'm probably over hyping this you probably won't cry but if you did please tell me that would make me so happy 😭 you know what I mean 😒 *lightly proofread* calling all my emotional people this is for you get your tissues ready

Having a best friend is something you can't describe. Having someone you know will always run to you first, someone you would trust with your life and who you know would trust you with theirs. You can't even begin to spew some shit about how much you love him; it would be pointless. Words can't describe it, truly.

The person who stuck with you through the years, through the hardest times of your lives, and the best. The person who sat next to you during your first week of kindergarten because he saw you crying when you got lost on the first day. The person who you've never seen cry, because he doesn't like how it makes him feel.

The person who was there when you were sick, and who stayed up all night while you were asleep doing your missing assignments, because he knew you hated asking for extensions. The person that saw you grow up, and the one you saw grow up. The person who held you as you cried, wiped the tears from your cheeks and rocked you both to sleep.

The person you cheered on as he pursued his dreams of dancing. The person who cheered you on as you got into your dream school, joining a program you've been waiting to join since day one. The person who was driving you to your graduation, excited to walk across that stage and watch you walk across it, finally being able to acknowledge how far you've both come.

The person who was taken from you, when a driver under the influence ran a light and crashed into his side of the car. The same person you cut up your hands to shove all the shattered glass away from.

The person you've cried for countless times before, but this time you couldn't shed a tear. The person who you saw stop moving, whose pulse stopped even after your desperate attempts to save him. The person you slumped over, holding his body and ignoring the sharp shards of glass puncturing your skin and clothes.

The person whose body you held until you felt his spirit drift away. You think about that moment every day.

The person whose parents asked you to speak at his funeral and deliver the final speech, because who else could do it but you? You're not a public speaker. You couldn't possibly remember a speech, and you didn't want to write it out because your hands would have been shaking too much to read the words anyway. Instead, you just wove your speech around one memory that still sticks in your mind, all on the spot. You cried everyday after the accident, but you made it through your speech, driven by the fact that he needed to hear everything you had neglected to tell him while he was still there.

"I remember one time that he asked me the question, "Would you still love me if I was a worm?" It was a joke. I rolled my eyes, probably slapped his arm. But I return to that moment when I grieve for him. And I wish I had told him everything that question brought up in my mind. I think that was one moment I realized how big a part of me he really is. I wish I had told him that I would love him until the worms swallowed up every last bit of him. That when I'm six feet under the ground, with the worms eating my brain, they'll see visions of him; his beautiful face, crooked smile, bunny teeth, and glittery eyes. They'll smell what he smelled like; the vanilla and orchid scent that always calmed me down, and still does. They will hear him call my name, voice of honey, where you were always able to hear his smile. They will experience the greatest of wonders, as they feast on the corner of my brain that houses him. They won't be able to move an inch without bumping into a piece of him. Then, I'll fade away, as will he. And they'll go back to eating, gnawing away in awe at the wonders they experienced, the wonders that were my best friend."

The person who got you, understood you in a way that no one else will. The person who your family accepted as another of their children, who was treated at your house like a prince. The person who snuck through your window at night anyway to hang out, just because he wanted to know what it was like. The person who always did the most for everyone else without making it obvious because he didn't like making a fuss over it.

The person who always bought and wore jewelry and clothes that supported a cause or charity, and encouraged others to do the same. The person who had three cats he loved more than even you. The person who always cooked for you when you mentioned a new food you wanted to try, and who fed you bites just because he wanted to and thought it was cute.

The person you loved the most. The person who loved you the most. The person you'll always miss, who you'll never forget, and who you'll go to hell and back to make sure no one else forgets about him either.

Your beautiful best friend. Simultaneously angelic and feral. The oddest person. The sweetest person. Now unburdened, cutting through the sky and watching over you. Forever your best friend, forever a worm. Forever your worm, actually.

You love him.

again I deeply apologize. LINO ISNT DEAD GUYS HES ALIVE AND WELL I PROMISE 🙏😭 ngl tho I was flowing with this one... I might try writing angst more often 🤭 normally I'm a fluffy kinda girl (my favorite trope is literally bsfs 2 lvrs 😭) next fic guys watch out I'm getting better at this 🤫 also I'm so sad I don't have the original author but I did get some of the speech from a poet on Instagram just fyi 😓

Anyways love you 💋💋 Muah byebye 💕

written from:

[v3nusxsky]

Ignore this if you feel uncomfortable with this!

Hey, so like, may I ask if you could do like a reader with inverted n!pples dating larissa ands it's their first time having sex and r is rlly nervous bc of their breasts ? thanks in advance!

-v

Not odd but unique 18+

*Authors note~ I had to do some research into this so please correct me if I'm wrong with any parts of this. Please remember all bodies are different and unique and that's what makes them beautiful*

Trigger warnings~ inverted nipples, first time (virgin r) corruption kink, mommy kink, worship kink oral fingering

Prompt~ see ask ^^^^

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

For you, accepting yourself had always been difficult, you knew you were different. There was only about ten to twenty percent of women in the world like you. That statistic alone showing just how rare it was and unheard of it was for anyone who didn't live with them. It also made you so self conscious, you were so careful with any clothing you wore and made sure no one would ever see, afraid of the comments that would undoubtedly voice your own negative thoughts.

When Larissa asked you to be her girlfriend you felt like the most beautiful woman in the world, until you remembered that in a relationship sex would be important, not the most important thing but still important. Larissa knew you had no experience in the subject and she was more than happy to wait as long as you needed until you felt comfortable, she reminded you of that fact all the time and made sure to tell you daily how beautiful you are.

You let months pass without any thought of the act, until you realised you were more than ready to let Larissa have her way with you, if only you could let go of the fear. For the next few months anytime you spent alone you tried to give yourself positive affirmations. Anything that would help you love your body for you. Truly, you knew Larissa wasn't superficial and you knew she loved you for your heart so you had absolutely nothing to worry about. That's why after a year and six months of nothing you decided tonight would be the night. You'd brave it.

Your night started the same, you lay on her sofa with a glass of wine and a book in front of the burning fire while she sat, your legs on her lap finishing last minute emails and basking in the togetherness. Only when she was done for the night did you mark your place in your book and sitting up looking at your girlfriend. She was truly beautiful and you knew how insecure she could be so you wanted to explain before attempting what you'd planned.

"Rissa?" You murmured as your eyes scanned er features before settling on starring into those deep blue eyes, "I think I'm ready. I just need to explain something to you before if that's okay?" Your last bit came off as nothing more than a whisper soaked in vulnerability. She reached to gather your hands in hers, thumbs stroking soothing circles on your hands. "Anything darling. I'm all ears."

With a deep breath you started not realising just how hard this would be, "you're beautiful Ris. I want you to remember that and it's not you, I mean I um I'm not what's considered normal and I didn't want to repulse you" you whimpered at the end, truly you didn't want to make her disgusted by your body. "Darling, you could never repulse me, you're beautiful too my love" she words soaked in love and reassurance caused tears to fall from your eyes, "oh baby don't cry! You aren't meant to cry my love" she rushed coming to wipe your tears away before placing a sweet kiss on your lips. "I'm ready Rissa please" you whimpered against her lips before claiming them again.

The pair of you stumbled into her bedroom, lips never leaving each others. Only when oxygen became a must die you pull apart foreheads resting against one an other, "darling, you're sure? You know you don't have too?" Larissa murmured to you wanting to know you knew that you had a choice. For you, here and now you didn't care that you were different all you wanted was to be hers. Completely hers. "Ris, please I want you to be my first" you confirmed and that was all it took for her lips to kiss down your neck before finding your pulse point. The little whines of need you were letting out was driving the older women wild, you soon found your way to her bed, flat on your back as she hoovered above you. Truly there was no better sight to see.

You could feel your body tense as she took your top from your body, now being left in just a bra the panic swarming behind your eyes was obvious. "Darling? Are you okay?" She murmured not wanting you to be uncomfortable in any way shape or form. Instead of verbally responding you sat up slightly, unclipped your bra with your eyes screwed shut and laid back against the bed. You heard a gasp and immediately feared the worst, hands coming up to cover your breasts as you mumbled out apologies, "I'm sorry I know I'm odd, disgusting repulsing I'm sorry!" You all but cried out only to be met with her gently hushing you and prying your hands from your chest.

"Open your eyes baby" she gently demanded and the submissive streak in you responded instantly, eyes popping open to see her lustful one's. "You're not odd darling, just unique. Is this why you've been so worried?" You nodded your words getting stuck in your throat, not odd? That didn't make sense. Larissa dropped her head to shower your left breast with all the love and attention it truly deserves, moaning against your skin as you whined at the attention. It truly felt amazing, something you'd never thought you'd ever experience. Larissa made sure she'd kissed every inch of skin before moving on to the right breast and repeating her process. Only when she was fully satisfied she'd kissed every inch did she sit back up bringing both hands to a breast and cupping them. "You darling, are stunning and I'd very much like to continue showing you that mommy adores your perfect body" she murmured watching your eyes darken in need at the name, "can you be a good girl for mommy baby?" She purred and you nodded tugging at her dress in a silent reminder she had too many clothes on.

From that moment on clothes were torn from bodies in a hurry, kisses and hands roaming the newly exposed skin until you both lay bare. Larissa then kissed her way down to your freshly shaved core, kissing over your thighs avoiding where she knew you wanted her. You buck your hips upward in an attempt to get more, anything just something causing her to chuckle before coming to take a swipe of your soaked cunt. Only then did you fall flat back on the bed and mumble, "oh fuck me more" which Larissa was more than happy to give you.

She gently brought you over the edge and back down again whispering words of love and reassurance before offering you more, you blindly agreed when you felt her finger tips dancing over your slit. "Darling? Look at mommy, I want to see your eyes as I make you mine, that's it good girl keep them open my love" she purred before sinking her middle finger into your needy cunt. You couldn't help but cry out at the feeling and attempt to follow her demand, only when her finger was as deep as it could go did she purr, "you're mine now baby, all mine!" Loving how you fight you were wrapped around her she curled her finger slightly watching as pleasure flashed over your facial features once more.

After finding that steady rhythm, Larissa brought you over the edge and even managed to add a second finger, your body exploding with pleasure like nothing you'd ever experienced before. "Ris ris fuck please Ris" you whined over and over again. Where you begging for more or for her to stop? You weren't even sure as you flew over that edge, white hot pleasure tearing its way though your body as she fucked you through it. "That's it good girl, so good for me darling, you're so beautiful" she murmured kissing your stomach until she slipped her fingers from your core, a little hiss of pain left you at the sting she left, not quite unpleasant but not something you were use to. "Okay baby, no more you did so good, no more tonight okay? Mommy needs to clean you up thought gorgeous girl can I?"

With you all cleaned up from the mess you'd made and Larissa holding your naked body to her own as your mind came back from the world of pleasure you whined, "Rissa I didn't touch you!" You attempted to move only for her to hold you still, "there's plenty of time for that darling but I wanted you to feel special. Me being your first was special enough and just wait till I get you bouncing those beautiful tits in my face as you ride me"  her words were enough to have a heat spreading over your cheeks, this women would certainly be the death of you, you never thought someone could love you for what you considered odd, but it's true what they say, "beauty is different in every eye of the beholder." You mumbled happily snuggling into your girlfriend. "Tonight was perfect, love you Ris so much" you whispered before falling asleep pressed into her side.

Word count ~ 1642

[writing-whump]

i need to catch up still on the new stories, but i also need to send this before i fall asleep 🗣️🗣️ for your consideration: one of the trouple already having an uneasy stomach due to sickness/nerves/bad food, but then during movie night they put on a gory movie and they loose their weak hold 🙈

(I'm thinking Zaya, bc he's soooo put together, but I dont think gore affects that man at all. Although it would be funny if fictional gore got to him and real one not at all??)

anyway, off to bed now 💕

Gory movie

Deals with the fallout of the heart episode, so add some angst and confrontations before the movie starts :D. Great idea, though, thank you!

When Isaiah woke up the next morning, huddled under Matthew's arm, the first thing he registered was the lack of pain. His chest didn't feel like he was getting stabbed with a screwdriver with every heartbeat. He held his eyes closed as he breathed, enjoying the most pleasurable sensation in the world - just existing without pain.

Then the memories of the night came rushing in. The tiredness and nausea, the lost balance, the feeling like he was weighing down a ton and couldn't move, the panic, the vomiting, the tears...oh dear god, did he truly cry in front of Matthew like that? Complaining about the pain, whining like a little kid?

Isaiah felt absolutely mortified. He freed himself from the tangle of blankets, letting Matthew slide down on his pillow, sleeping deeply. The redhead had dark circles under his eyes and Isaiah remembered his warmth, like a hold the whole night to keep him up in a vertical position.

This was horrible.

Isaiah tiptoed around the room, feeling slightly dazed, his chest stiff and sensitive to the touch, but it was nothing against the night horror.

The first thing he got taken care of was the dry vomit next to the bed. Then he got the windows covered and closed the room, letting Matthew hopefully sleep some more while he took a long cold shower to wake himself up, getting rid of the offending sweaty smell.

He got himself a fresh set of clothes and a bathrobe on top, got a mint tea and huddled in blankets at the balcony. How was he supposed to look at Matthew again after this? After letting him see him in such a horrible state?

Isaiah was used to the episodes. They got bad sometimes, but he never had anyone witness them aside from the occasional insight or suspicion Sonny got. He went to a shadow check-up to a private clinic with a wolf leading the research being Sonny's close friend. A reliable wolf to keep it secret.

There they told him his shadow had stress damage serious enough that it rebounded and hurt his physical body as well.

Emotions were hard for shadow wolves. They either got out through the shadow or through human means, but since Isaiah allowed neither of these during his years working for his father, his shadow literally scared over. It had damage on it when he pushed it flat to the floor and that damage went back to his physical body. He could see it himself when he looked at the deepest layer.

The researcher told him to get checked at a human clinic, that they would know better how to diagnose damage outside the shadow, but Isaiah refused. He couldn't stand to go there, ask them to examine him like he was a normal human, for damage he was not supposed to have as a wolf. He couldn't stand getting results that would confirm he had serious issues with his heart now, something visible, tangible and real that could impair his life. Damage that could not be undone, would drag itself over with him for years to come.

He couldn't stand even the thought of getting something like that confirmed. It wasn't worth the pain medication or the help or any other thing they could give him.

He couldn't stand to hear he would be a burden to his pack, that they would have to deal with this lasting weakness. He just couldn't.

Yeah, the episodes happened from time to time, sometimes due to stress or bad food or overwork or bad weather...but they got a lot of better since he moved in with Seline and Matt - he didn't have a serious episode in three months - and only minor pain from changing weather or a cold here and there. Something he could ignore or pretend away well enough.

Until now.

He buried his face in his hands, elbows braced on his knees as he tried to think what to do next.

***

When Matthew finally woke up, it was almost lunchtime. Which was fine by Isaiah, since it gave him time to cook a proper meal, roasted beef and rice.

"'orning," Matthew said as he walked in, rubbing at his eyes. He still looked sleepy, but he sat down at the table.

Isaiah wasted no time putting the plate with the meal in front of him, steaming and fresh. "Here you go."

"Hmmm. What's this?" Matthew eyed him with scrunched eyes. "Is this your way of saying thanks? Cause I didn't help you out to get a lunch out of it. Though I won't complain."

Isaiah rolled his eyes. "That's an apology for yesterday."

Matthew dug into the food with excitement, munching on the meat. "You don't have to apologize. But I would like to know the plan. When are you getting that checked out?"

Isaiah frowned and turned away to put the dishes out of the dishwasher. "There is nothing to 'check out'. I'm fine. You just caught me at a bad moment. Nothing happened."

"Aha. Good try. You definitely need to schedule a checkup at the hospital or something. That wasn't normal. You said it yourself."

"I'm alright. There is nothing for anyone to find out."

"Uhm. You said it happens often. And you act like it's been going on for a while. Months? Years? How often did it happen since we moved in together?" When he saw Isaiah taking a breath, he continued. "How many times did you hide it until it became unbearable like yesterday?"

Isaiah turned to him abruptly, anger flashing in his eyes. "I said I was fine. It was just a rare episode. I'm sorry you had to see that, I truly am, but let's not make a big deal out of it."

Matthew stood up, the whole table shaking as he braced his hands on it. "Don't give me that crap. I don't want your apologies, I want you to get fucking better!"

Isaiah winced. There was no way this was ever getting better. He knew of his shadow, the scars printed deeply into it. He was not getting rid of that and he was not getting rid of the heart pain. The shadow was the wolf's soul. And his was crippled, he knew that. But that his body reflected those scars was his damage, his problem, his shame. Not something he wanted Matthew to dig into.

"Isaiah," Matthew said, struggling to control his voice instead of shouting. "you don't have to suffer through it. What if they can help you? What if there are ways to cure-"

Isaiah smiled bitterly. "Who would help? What hospital exactly would be equipped to deal with a sick wolf? How would they prevent this from getting out to other packs? Do you know how many enemies we have? Me, specifically? Besides, there is no cure." Not for shadow damage. Isaiah gulped down heavily. The whole conversation was making his chest tight, his stomach flipping inside him angrily. It was too soon after the episode, he was still too sensitive and out of it.

"What if there is? Why can't you just-"

"Stop that. This debate is pointless, anyway. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself and you and Seline. If no packs sniff this out, it would be better, but I could still take them. We can fight here and now and I could still take you."

Matthew's eyes narrowed, dark brown and serious, almost red in the sunlight streaming through the kitchen. "That is not the issue here. I don't care about how strong you are, I'm freaking worried about you!"

"Well, I'm too strong for you to worry about me, I assure you," Isaiah said coldly.

Matthew balled his hands into fists at his sides helplessly. "That's not what I-...damn it all. I don't know how to say what you need to hear, but Zaya, this can't go on like this. I'm sure Seline will be able to explain-"

"Don't you dare," Isaiah hissed through his teeth, "to mention this to Seline. I will never forgive you if you do. And I'll deny it."

It was Matthew's turn to wince, eyes widening. "She should know. Don't you trust her enough for this?"

Seline should know? For what, so she could leave him? What witch would want a damaged wolf with heart issues? He would not want himself if he knew.

Was it fair he was deceiving her about that? Then again, he was strong. He could power through the pain and never let it be seen, never let it prevent him from being powerful, when she needed him. He could do as much.

Matthew watched him with that intense glare. "Wait. No. It's not about trust. You are ember-"

"This conversation is over. And we are not talking about it again," Isaiah cut him off, turning away to continue with the dishes like nothing had happened, tensing his hands to stop them from shaking.

He could feel Matthew standing, glaring and fuming behind him for a while before he stormed off out of the apartment. Probably for a run. That was a good coping mechanism.

***

"This is ridiculous. What happened between you two?" Seline asked for the umpteenth time that evening.

Isaiah thought he handled the conversation well. Cut Matthew off at the right time. It was not his business, getting mixed up in his pain, his shadow, issues he had no place knowing about or suffering through. They were Isaiah's past life, past sins, suffering he deserved for abandoning his brothers, for not questioning orders, for not finding out sooner what he did. And he was not about to burden his closest people with it.

He had no expected for the atmosphere to be so tense though. Matthew respected his wish not to talk about it or tell Seline, but he was pissed and grumpy day. When he wasn't snapping at Seline or giving Isaiah death glares, he was finding the furthest corner of the room from him.

It was surprisingly hard to tolerate.

Seline for her part, didn't notice for the better part of the day. She came down talking about the essay she was preparing about apocalyptic movies, told him about the series of poems she wrote yesterday night, the story she wrote for a magazine and the new book she found...it amazed him how many thoughts could be in one person, how many worlds and realities Seline had in her head. It relaxed him to listen, to get lost so deep in something else.

Seline flowed through the day as if nothing happened and it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong. Gave a great opportunity to forget about it in fact, a move he would recommend to Matthew as well.

"Nothing happened. We just had a little squabble in the morning and Matthew is still hung upon it," Isaiah explained with an eye roll, throwing his arm around Seline on the couch. He needed her presence, her warmth against his side. His insides melted and relaxed at the touch and breathing in her scent was downright healing.

Seline gave him a skeptical look but leaned into him happily. "I don't know...it's so rare for you guys to argue..."

"Had to happen sometime." Isaiah shrugged. He was also very unused to it, especially with how physically comfortable they have become with each other. He missed Matthew's presence at his other side like they always sat during a movie night. It left him feeling cold.

Not to mention he was still shaky and weak from last night and the stress from the argument had his stomach tied up in knots. He drank nothing but mint tea to take it easy on his abused belly, but he still felt vaguely nauseous. His middle was all sloshy from the amounts of liquid he packed into it, slightly bulging under his loose cardigan. 

"Matt, come on. We can put on something yours today," Seline called after Matthew, who stood undecidedly leaning against the wall in the hallway. They stopped him on the way to his room, but he couldn't seem to make himself join them on the couch.

"Even a horror movie is fine," Seline said with a light grimace.

Matthew perked up at that, finally crossing the distance. He sat down on the other end of the couch though, not looking at Isaiah once. "Then I got just the thing for you."

"No animals getting hurt though," Seline added quickly, snuggling closer into Isaiah's side.

If Seline held on to him like that the whole movie, Isaiah wouldn't complain, though he had no particular taste for horror or goriness. He had seen his fair share of real-life blood, so he doubted anything could surprise him.

Matthew put the movie on, stretching out on his stomach, head to the TV, legs to them, which Isaiah guessed was another way to show his disapproval of him. Oh well. 

They watched in silence for a bit, interrupted only by Matthew’s sadistic laughs and Seline’s little squeals. Isaiah suspected a bit she was overreacting for his sake, pressing her face against his chest or wrapping her hands around his arm or neck, tagging at him. It was the sweetest thing. 

He was too distracted to really watch the movie, occasionally taking a look, but the plot was leaving things to be desired…and then the truly brutal scenes started. So much blood wouldn’t fit a person and the spraying of guts everywhere could rival the effects in Tarantino movies.

Isaiah found himself wincing at some of the shots, his stomach churning and flipping unhappily. It seemed the filmmakers were set on making it as repulsive and disgusting as possible. Especially the scenes with popping eyes had him flinching, fingers curling into his pants.

The lights and the sound effects were too much. His head was pounding, but even looking away didn’t help, the quickly changing light accompanied by the screams and scary moans reflected around the whole room. He leaned more over Seline, who was curled up in his lap, with eyes glued to the TV.  

Isaiah’s stomach twisted inside him and he felt the nausea rising steadily but quickly like high tide. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to tone out the lights, but the sounds were still there, and his stomach clenched again.

Saliva flooded his mouth and a dangerous burp worked its way up his throat. This couldn’t be happening. He wouldn’t get sick from a movie, dear god.

His stomach roiled, giving a loud growl, pins and needles in his arms and ankles. Oh god, he needed out of here and fast. 

Untangling himself from Seline took a bit, he was clumsy from the nausea and his own horror at needing to leave at all.

Swallowing compulsively, he hurried to the kitchen. His stomach was cramping hard at this point and he needed out of that dark loud room…

He managed to get inside the bathroom, flipping the light on and closing the doors. It muffled the sounds and the ordinary normal kind of light made the scenes seem more like distant illusions. Which they were. This was stupid, he had seen and inflicted injuries, he had been hurt and bleeding, why the hell would he react to that overdone, overstrung, way too bloody-

The reminder had him heaving over the toilet before he even knelt down, green liquid rushing out. He drank nothing but the tea all day, which gave his belly perfect ammunition. 

Isaiah could not remember when was the last time he felt so nauseous. Yesterday it was the pain, bone-deep and electrifying, that took all his attention. This was just nausea, but so overwhelming it had his overly sloshy stomach purging itself violently. He braced against the toilet rim, wrapping his fingers around the cold porcelain as his stomach twisted painfully, more of the tea shooting up.

After a series of heaves that left him light-headed, he was left bracing against the toilet, head so heavy it could fall off his neck any moment. He was shaking, taking quick shuddering breaths.

His mouth tasted like rotten leaves. When the thought formulated, it had him gagging over the toilet again, but he felt so damn tired, he didn’t feel like he could lift himself up anymore.

It was the first time Isaiah felt like something was missing, when he was sick. He had gotten used to someone being present, although he used to resent the attention before. It was always Seline with her gentle concern and shy offers of belly rubs or Matthew’s callous hands and rough genuine worry…how pathetic and soft did he get, wishing any or both of them were here right now? 

He burped emptily, dragging himself over to lean against the bathtub, hugging his knees to his chest loosely, to not jostle his churning belly. It was still growling and bubbling angrily, as if not all the tea got out, even after that many rounds. He felt utterly pitiful to himself, weirdly lonely and out of it. 

Leaning his forehead against the top of his knees, he took deep measured breaths, hoping the churning and his speeding heartbeat wouldn’t trigger another episode, trying to ignore the muffled sounds from the living room. 

He must have spaced out, because he startled when the door opened. The relief he felt at Seline’s surprised and concerned expression, her blond eyebrows meeting together as she hurried to his side to kneel beside him was indescribable. Like an icy brick melting inside his chest. 

“Sweetie, what happened? Did you get sick? Was the movie too much? You should have said something, I thought you just went to the bathroom!” Seline slid down to sit beside him, one arm going around his shoulders, the other stroking his back.

Matthew appeared in the doorway as well, deep frown on his face, jaw pressed closed so tight a muscle in his cheek twitched. 

Isaiah didn’t know how he must have looked, pale, sweaty and emotional form a damn movie and the hard day of having his best friend angry at him. He really messed things up today, didn’t he? He was so used to being alone, when he was in pain, but now he realized he didn’t want to anymore. Not when he didn’t have to, not when they were both here, angry when they couldn’t be. 

“Sorry, I didn’t expect it to…didn’t want to ruin it for you,” he mumbled as Seline run her hand up his back and neck. He locked his gaze with Matthew’s. “I’m sorry.” He really hoped Matthew wouldn’t mention the fact it could be related to last night or that he didn’t realize his stomach was upset all day because of their morning fight. 

Matthew scoffed, rolling his eyes, but there was a slight lift to the corner of his lips. “Didn’t think you of all people would have such a weak stomach. You wanna sit there all night, or do you want some help?” He stepped closer, offering his hand.

Isaiah accepted, clasping it tightly. 

[lovinggreeniehours]

45 from the one word prompt? :0

45. panic

↳ renata × chrome

↳ i won't count but this is pretty small i think. 500 words or less. but don't take my word on that

↳ (hi avil :) ) okay originally this should've been longer and i plan to revise and fact-check this for proper posting in the future but the base idea was cool so here's the first draft i made a million years ago (and finished just now) ✨️ if the second half is kind of Lacking then it's bc it's 1am right now sorry hgdgjgdfhj

Chrome was a light sleeper. So he was especially worried to wake up in the middle of the night and find himself alone in his bed.

Half asleep, he grasped the blankets and pillows next to him, stomach churning unpleasantly as his waking awareness increased. In the space Arion should have been occupying were only wrinkled sheets and a scrunched up blanket. Surveying the room, Chrome could only confirm what he already knew. Arion wasn't there. He was alone with the ever so familiar, sinking feeling that everything was wrong.

Naturally, he bolted for the door.

Running through the empty hallways, his mind ran faster. Arion was there when he fell asleep last night. (Wasn't he?) And Arion wasn't one to get up from bed without good reason.

Chrome had to pause, realizing suddenly that he wasn't quite sure where he was going. The only thing he was certain of was that he hadn't passed by anyone thus far.

Did he get another anxiety attack? Chrome would've felt him leaving the bed then. Should have felt it. It didn't take a lot to wake him up, and Arion moved a lot when he was stressed. But it wasn't a completely unfounded assumption to say that Arion simply snuck out. He was always good at being undetected if he wanted to be.

But even then, why would he? Where would he go? Why didn't he just.. wake him up if he needed something?

As soon as he asked himself, Chrome already knew the answer. But that didn't mean he had to like it.

It was in one of the storage rooms where he lost momentum in his search. In the far back, he recognized a crates filled with ammunition. He'd found Arion in the crevices behind them a few months ago; He hadn't yet gotten his memories back, nor the carefully crafted self-assurance that came with them. A week into being a Strike Hawk and he was crying behind a stack of crates, overwhelmed by the faces and names and places he couldn't keep up with. Arion once shot himself on accident when they were cadets, and yet this was the first time Chrome ever saw him cry.

After the initial panic of being caught, Arion explained that the physical pressure made him feel more grounded. It was why Chrome bought weighted blankets.

Did he miss something? Why did he leave...?

But as he was closing the door behind him to continue his search, a voice cut through the silence.

"Chrome?"

He whirled around at the sound, his eyes meeting Arion's wide ones.

"Arion." Chrome exhaled, thoughts moving through his head faster than he could hear them. But still, it was as if a sack was dropped from his chest, propelling him forward until they were within arm's length. His hands gripped Arion's shoulders, as if to anchor him as he heaved out a sigh of relief. "You didn't leave base."

"Leave base?" Arion frowned. But as Chrome's hands reached him, he moved in kind, gently tracing fingers along his waist. "You're not sleepwalking, are you?"

He shook his head. "No. No, I'm not. I am perfectly awake."

"Did I wake you?"

"Not at all." He said, quieter. "..Why did you leave?"

Arion winced. "Oh.. See, Kamui knocked on your door, he needed help with something, and I didn't want to wake you up, so... I. I just helped him myself."

"Oh."

Arion leaned forward; close enough that all Chrome could focus on were the red of his eyes.

"Are you okay?" He murmured. "You look.."

Chrome tilted his head.

"..Intense."

Had he been that anxious? Now that Arion was right in front of him, the panic of a few minutes' past felt years away. And yet, what did he say earlier? Of course, he knew Arion wouldn't just up and disappear into thin air. They were past that. But waking up earlier felt as though the silence would consume him whole, even if they only have been sharing the room for weeks.

Logically speaking, Arion would not have left base.

As soon as he registered the thought, he let out another sigh. Arion wasn't going to disappear on him in the dead of the night. He knew that. What he didn't know was that his shoulders were still tense. His eyebrows were still knit together. His fingers twitched; tapping as if restless. As if itching to pull him closer.

Arion, though, saw all of it quite well. He raised his hand up to Chrome's hair, idly playing with the strands at the back of his hair as he pushed his head forward. Just until their foreheads pressed together.

"You sure you're okay, bud?"

Chrome nodded.

"You're sure?"

Chrome hummed in acknowledgement, a quiet smile slipping through the wall of worry.

"Mhm. I'm okay."

"Okay." Arion grinned back. A trill of panic returned to Chrome. He knew that look.

"What are you— AHH."

Before he could guess what had prompted the bout of mischief, hands had gripped the back of his knees, and he was pulled up from the ground into a bridal carry.

"Time to head back to the room then." Arion declared proudly.

Chrome's face burned furiously. But, as Arion had hoped, all signs of panic seemed long gone. Those things, they could discuss in the comfort of their room later. For now, he needed to focus on making Chrome feel a little better.

"You better be enjoying yourself." Arion winked playfully.

Chrome then covered his face with his hands, groaning. Cute.

"Must you do this out in the open? Where everyone can see?"

"They're all asleep anyway, it's fine!"

"They won't be sleeping for very long with how loudly you're talking.."

"Do you want me to put you down?"

A beat of silence passed.

"Just please hurry already."

"Okayyy."

If Arion held him a little tighter as he said that, he supposed Chrome wouldn't be able to notice.

[somelazyassartist]

I am having a very strange relationship with mental health currently and I need to talk about it or I feel like I'll explode!!! This is not all actually bad it's just like what is happening!!!!! Under cut bc I am just kinda rambling and don't know what I'm saying really and I'll probably delete this bc I will probably feel extremely weird about talking about it by the time I wake up tomorrow but!! Like j said I just feel like if I don't say anything I'm gonna explode!!!!!!

Like bad stuff out of the way first I guess there's like. Really traumatic realization about My ex-relationship where it's like. OH I was a literal child so I had no idea that was abusive but that was Really Fucking Abusive and I don't know how to deal with that?? I haven't even talked to that person in years and I'm in a much healthier and happier relationship now but like it is kinda fucking me up simply because I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle trauma that I didn't even know was trauma until after I'm far out of that situation. Also been having WAY more paranoia and weirdly vivid nightmares lately but I honestly have zero idea if those are related or not.

HOWEVER like literally don't worry about that at all ever BECAUSE despite those way lower lows than I usually have I have ALSO been having way higher highs in my mental health!!!!! And I don't know why!!!!! I knew moving would help with my depression a lot simply bc I'd be out of my shitty school and shitty cold garage bedroom and away from my shitty stepdad and away from the city (I do not handle loud and crowded and busy environments well) and now I live out in the middle of nowhere where it's quiet and I love it! But like for the last 4 years I've lived here I still felt like my depression had dulled like ALL my care about things down even if the depression itself kinda faded away. Like I got to the point where I wasn't crying myself to sleep every night, but I would read maybe 3 of my already-liked books a year and ignore my entire shelf of unread stuff, I had my favorite wizard outfit I'd wear on special occasions but every other day I'd just wear pajamas or a T-shirt and jeans because I couldn't be assed to do anything more, I'd have entire boxes of half-finished sketches because I would start drawing and lose interest halfway through the sketch, I have bins of art and decorations that I meant to put on my walls years ago and never did. But now!! Just in like the past few weeks specifically!!! I don't know why but I have had so much drive to DO THINGS!!!!! I WANT TO DO THINGS AGAIN!!!!! I've been reading!! Like, actually reading actual novels!!! Like I did when I was little where I was obsessed with making sure every book on my shelf got read at least once!!!!! I've been going through my closet and my accessory bins and makeup and pairing up what looks good!! I've actually been coordinating outfits and trying to make all my clothes have as much personality and fun as my one (1) special wizard outfit I wear!!! I had a bit of extra cash bc of holiday cards and I bought myself some armor despite knowing what it takes to maintain it and keep it nice because I actually have the motivation to upkeep it and find what clothes I have that will look good with a chestplate and pauldrons!!! (It also looks EXACTLY I mean EXACTLY like Laios Dunmeshi's armor so bonus autism win there)!!!!! I dug out my boxes of unfinished art and have been trying to finish old pieces!! I found my old half-filled notebooks and have been filling the blank pages that were leftover!!!!! I've been working on zines, I've been WRITING again (I fucking LOVED writing when I was a kid but grew to hate it eventually), I have multiple rough drafts for graphic novels and animations and in-universe 1st person perspective fantasy research journals!!!! I've been putting up art prints that've sat in boxes for years!!! I've been looking for where a shelf would go nicely to display my trinkets and nick knacks!!! I've been looking into 3D printing lightswitch covers with cool designs and figuring out what to paint on my bookshelves!!!!!!! I'm honestly extremely nervous and scared that this is temporary, and that soon I'm going to fade back into not caring about these things, and that if it goes away again it won't come back like what's happening now - but I am trying my best to keep caring and keep Loving life the way I haven't in years!!! And that is all anybody can do I think!!!!!!!

[septembermorningbells]

personal life rant under the cut sorry the quickest therapy appointment i could get was monday

okay this is fundamentally so unserious. but it has been driving me absolutely bonkers and i cannot really tell my friends about it without also driving THEM crazy also its juvenile but. here.

ok so quick lore update the girl who made me realize I was gay is one of my best friends and i met her when she directed a play i was in freshman year. this is important. realized my feelings sophmore spring and I eventually told her how I felt the fall of my junior year, when i was in another one of her plays, and she kind of flipped out bc she was studying abroad that next semester and I don't think she was in an emotional places to process everything. it was very unclear whether she actually returned my feelings and she never told me but it was a resounding 'lets just be friends!!!' regardless. after we fought for a month 🤪

ANYWAYS the next semester she goes abroad and we continue texting like every day but i eventually kind of get over it and i still love her but it transitions a bit. She comes back and we are closer than ever in the fall, we do so many things together and basically keep developing our already very close friendship.

now it's senior spring. she applied for a grant that would take her to grad school in england and of course I assumed she would get it bc she is like fantastically talented. i have briefly dated other people in the period in between but nothing really worked out and so i just resign myself to the fate of just hanging out with my friends and actually looking for love ugh when I move in september. but also at this point i know im kind of still in love with her so i was like 'enjoy this time with her because its our last semester in college and we are never getting this time back etc' and even though i want her in my life forever i knew it would be SO hard to see her go and move to another country for a while and maybe date other people. so i figured she would move and i would cry and be torn up but i would get over it. also, in the meantime, I have been entering into a bit of a flirtation with a girl we have both known for a long time (who is lovely) basically as a distraction but we both knew that it was NOT serious.

also for context: the friend is directing ANOTHER play right now that both me and flirtation girl are in. we are playing love interests.

so last wednesday she found out she didn't get the grant. me and our very good mutual friend (calling her X she will play a role later, she is also very very close with the girl lol) are SHOCKED. this means she will likely be with us on the east coast of the US with us. the following night, I go to a party with X, our friends, and the girl i have been flirting with. She makes a move on me at the party, which i wasn't quite expecting bc the play is ongoing and I am worried about making rehearsal awkward but i was like 'ok fuck it i guess isnt this what i set up i made my bed'

THEN X pulls me aside and is like 'grace wtf are you doing' and i said 'you literally knew about this and its not serious, why are you mad' and X says 'grace, she's not going to england', basically implying something about my friend and me. naturally, I freak out. I blow off the flirtation friend and basically spiral for the rest of the night and weekend. I eventually make X talk to me bc WTF

okay so the entire problem is that X can't say too much without compromising my friend which is fair. but basically X validated YEARS worth of feelings that me and my friend do not have a normal relationship, we have basically been dating for who knows how long, and heavily implied that after she found out i made out with the girl at the party she was jealous. after year(s?) of repressing my feelings this revelation obviously made me insane. BUT X was like 'you guys need to talk but you should probably wait until the play is over to do it' which is in THREE WEEKS. she said it maybe wasn't necessary but she obviously can't say too much to me and I feel bad putting her in this position but also WHAT. WHAT.

okay so. I feel like there's been a chip made in the side of the hoover dam of my fucking repression and i am having such crazy feelings and I can't really express them. I know my friend would probably prefer that we wait bc she takes her shows very very seriously (something i love about her!! so much!!!) but also we graduate in a month and i don't know if i can just not talk about what's going on for that long. also there is a fair chance we talk and we still have to just be friends which would kind of murder me (oh context her mother is like very homophobic and until this year she has been SO wary of relationships which i thought was permanent lol until X told me many repeated times that 'now it is different' WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN) but i would almost want to get that over with now????????? jesus christ.

to make things worse we are, as i stated before, graduating and so emotions are just running very high in general. we need to have this talk but I also want to have it at the right moment so things don't go to shit. but i have had a very hard time concentrating on anything. will be back to buisness soon but until then. jesus christ. just pray for me at this point idk what else to say

[eenochian]

not to family-post on main…… so i’m putting it under a cut lol (it’s also just long af bc i needed to rant)

but, today is my father’s birthday. 53 years on this planet and he’s probably about to have the most miserable birthday of his life.

the dumbass cheated on his wife. three marriages and he’s managed to ruin every last one with cheating (amongst other things). no idea when she found out, but it was sometime after the 14th, at least. she’s already moved out of their house and is going to rent it to him since she owns it, apparently. i was woken up yesterday (it’s 8:08 am as of me posting this, i haven’t slept) with the news.

my father’s soon-to-be ex wife had my mom blocked throughout her entire relationship with my father. we knew he was feeding her some bullshit lies about my mom and what actually happened between them. he told his wife that my mom was turning my brother and i “against him” and making us hate his wife. meanwhile, my mom was practically begging my dad to introduce her to his wife, because she wanted to meet the woman who would be spending time around her children.

even before i was born, my father was just a disappointment… cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with my brother and claimed he was “feeling depressed and unwanted” whilst my mom was suffering from a cocktail of issues, was always unemployed or under-employed, cheated while she was pregnant with me, then couldn’t be assed to take care of his children while my mom was working and going to college full-time. she had to pay for daycare despite the asshole being unemployed.

she left him a couple weeks before i turned 4, i think. i don’t remember it very well cause i was so young, but i remember him yelling and punching the door she was standing in front of. broke his hand. she rightfully called him an idiot. my family laughs about it now, but i used to call him “my trince” – it was supposed to be “prince,” but i couldn’t say it properly y’know. my mom told me that he started crying because i looked at him and said “you’re not my trince anymore” lol. broke his heart, i guess.

the spring before i turned 6, my mom, brother, her boyfriend at the time, and i all moved from california to texas. my dad stayed in cali. my brother and i visited him for a week during the summer when i was 7, but that’s the only time we saw him until shortly before i turned 11.

we talked on the phone to keep in touch. i don’t remember how often we talked, i think weekly, but i do remember sprinting to the phone and feeling so giddy whenever he called… i just wanted to talk his ears off for hours, my father almost felt like a novelty throughout my childhood. i learned earlier this year that my mom often had to force him to call and talk to us.

i remember the day he moved out to texas. the beginning of my 6th grade year, i was about a month away from turning 11. my brother and i were talking to our mom, she said someone special was stopping by. the sun had already gone down, but it wasn’t too late in the night. we guessed our dad, she said we were wrong. she was lying, obviously, and we learned that after we got a knock on the door and my father was standing on the other side.

i remember crying. hugging him so tight. thinking that finally, finally i’d have my father in my life. instead of being a novelty, he’d just be there. he was living close by, too.

my mom’s then-boyfriend (the same one from when we moved) was horrible. he was an abusive, loud, mean, all-around ugly man. i had it the easiest since i was the youngest. i don’t remember much from him, just a lot of yelling. so, so, so much yelling. him standing over me, being the 6-foot 300-something pound guy he was, taking joy in making a little girl scared of him. he never put his hands on me, but the intimidation was enough.

i still can’t handle a man raising his voice or even getting angry around me. my stepdad knows about the trauma my mom, brother, and i share. my mom easily had it the worst. i still sometimes refuse to acknowledge that i have trauma, even after being told by my mom and brother that i do. the first time my stepdad got angry and raised his voice – he was trying to install a transition slip on crooked floors because my mom and i kept cutting our feet on the edge of the carpet, got frustrated, slammed his hammer down and yelled – i was standing in the kitchen a few feet away….. i left my breakfast in the microwave and pretty much ran to my room.

i didn’t know why i started crying and struggling to breathe while talking to my brother until my mom came in a few minutes later. it was the first time she said the words “you have trauma” to me. she told me the next day that my stepdad cried after they went to bed because he felt so awful over scaring me. we joke about it now, but it’s been 3 years and he still feels horrible whenever we talk about it. i feel bad that he feels bad. my mom says we’re both silly.

back to the main point, though…. my mom finally managed to kick that bastard out shortly after i turned 11. it was midnight on a school night. my brother ended up climbing into my bed because i was crying from listening to all the yelling. her ex tried coming into our bedroom after my mom came in to grab something of his that we had in our closet. i remember watching her fight to hold that door closed and keep him out as he tried to talk to us.

she called my dad to come guard our door while she finished packing up all his stuff and throwing it out. my dad managed to do a 20-minute drive in, like, 10 minutes. maybe less, i can’t remember, but it was fast. her ex tried picking a fight with my dad, things nearly got physical, but my dad stayed right in front of our door. he had work the next day, but he still rushed over to keep us safe.

he was in my life a decent amount after that. we’d spend weekends with him, i’d text him daily, he’d take me and my brother to the movies, out to dinner, we’d play games and sing our lungs out in the car together.

he also dated over 20 women in a single year. he introduced us to at least a quarter of them and insisted that every single one was “the one.” he’d ignore us for the sake of whatever woman he was with. then, he’d come crawling back once the relationship inevitably fell apart. he told my mom that he could pay child support or “have money to spend time with the kids” – meanwhile, he’s always made more money than her. he couldn’t put us on his health insurance because it was “too expensive,” meanwhile my mom was working two jobs (in secret, she never told us about the second job until after she lost it) and making herself sick just trying to take care of us.

when i was 14, he had to move back to california because of his work. i thought him crying while telling us was proof that he cared… until i found out that he wasn’t going to tell us at all. he told our mom, but didn’t want to tell my brother and i until he was about to move. my mom had to threaten to tell us herself if he didn’t do it.

he visited around christmas. he was engaged to a woman he barely knew who happened to live in the same state. my brother and i thought he was there to see us. turns out, all he wanted to do was see her. my mom had to force him to spend time with us. i didn’t know this until years later.

after that engagement fell through and he managed to move back to texas… he met his current wife. he was also living even closer, in the same fucking apartment complex as us. the happy feeling over him being so close didn’t last. his wife (then-girlfriend) was…. nice. we tried not to get attached because we thought it wouldn’t last, like usual. i think i was 15 or 16 at the time.

we ended up moving in with my stepdad, who lived about 45 minutes away. my dad ended up moving in with his wife. we lived an hour away from him, i think. we stopped seeing him as often because the problems only continued to grow. his wife only encouraged him and blindly took his side in everything, too.

about 2 weeks before my 18th birthday. my father took my brother and i to the movies. he brought up how close my birthday was and asked if we wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate. we said yes, of course. he asked if his wife could come, since they had just gotten married about a week ago. i said yes, of course. i didn’t mind sharing the celebration. i remember excitedly telling my mom about it the second we got home.

a couple days before my birthday, my father texts to confirm the plans…… suddenly, we aren’t celebrating my birthday. no, no, the dinner was to celebrate their marriage and my father’s new office, and it “just so happened” that my birthday was around the same time, so we were celebrating that, too. he denied it when we said the whole dinner was planned because of my birthday, even though my whole household remembered it being that way. i cancelled the plans.

my cat got really sick right after my birthday. it was just a stomach bug that she recovered from within a day after taking her to the vet and getting her rehydrated (plus some appetite stimulants), but we thought for a minute that it might be her time. it was the first time i had to face the thought of death. my father tried to make new plans and, when i told him that we didn’t want to leave her even though we knew she was okay, he didn’t care. zero empathy. we never made any plans after that.

i think i’ve only seen him once since that movie. august 2021. he stopped by to drop something off for my brother earlier this year, stayed for a few minutes to talk to us. we hugged, i cried after he left.

my phone’s been having issues for some months now. it can’t charge properly. my mom and stepdad bought me a wireless charger that fixed that issue, but when my brother and i messaged our father about getting new phones (since my bro was also having issues with his), my father decided to say no and accuse us of only coming to him for money.

mind you, paying for our phones and making sure we had working phones was literally the last promise he made to us. he never paid child support, so he and my mom worked out a deal. he pays her car insurance until she has a paid off car, he pays for my bro’s and my phones, she forgives the rest of the several thousand dollars he owes her. he took her car on the first say of my senior year of high school. he refuses to get us new phones unless we pay for it.

i’m aware of how spoiled i sound. my phone works just fine, even if it is slower and has a broken charging point. my issue isn’t with that… it’s just the fact that he’s managed to break every. single. promise. he’s ever made to us. not a single one has been kept. not one. my mom told him she’d take care of it and us, like she always has. he’s just paying for the insurance until we get new phones atp.

i sent him a message pouring my heart out. a lot of it was pent-up anger from years of trying and trying, giving him chance after chance, and getting zero results. he read the message and didn’t respond. a couple days later, i sent him another. i just felt defeated at that point. i begged and begged him to finally care, and what do i get in response?

“I understand what you’re saying. Things are not always as they seem. Maybe one day we can sit down and truly listen and understand each other but it won’t be in a text. I love you no matter what you might think or feel.”

right. yeah. “maybe one day” AKA “when i feel like dealing with this” which is never. i cry and beg him to change… and his response is to say that MAYBE one day we’ll deal with it. and he moved on. my first message was 1,623 words. my second was 784. and i got jack shit in return.

it doesn’t matter what i say or do. he’s destroyed my self-confidence. he’s the source of my insane abandonment and attachment issues. i’m convinced no man will ever love me because of him – if my own father can’t, then why would anyone else? i get so stressed out and worried that it makes me sick; my family thinks i have ulcers, and he’s the #1 trigger of them. i’ve had panic attacks over him. i’ve thrown up from it. my mom said my depression getting so much worse is probably linked to him.

and, despite all the bullshit…. i’m still staring at my phone debating on texting him happy birthday. wondering if i should reach out and console him over the marriage he destroyed. i don’t want him to be alone, even if it is his own doing. i’m terrified of something happening to him. what if he has a health issue or injury and needs someone to call 911? what if he’s depressed? what if it gets so bad that he kills himself? what if he keels over and dies tomorrow? what if, what if, what if… it’s all i can think about.

my family says me worrying over him despite it all just means i’m a good person. their primary concern if my father taking advantage of me – of my kindness and my concern for him. my brother has him blocked, he’s not giving our father any more chances. i know i shouldn’t. he’ll just throw me away once he finds another woman, which he probably already has, considering he cheated on his wife in the first place. he has that habit; messaging other women when he senses a relationship going south or gets bored. moving on before it’s even over so he doesn’t have to face loneliness.

i don’t know how to feel. my dad’s wife reached out to my mom to clear the air and apologize. my brother celebrated the split with his friends. my stepdad said it was deserved. i agree, but……. i just can’t stop worrying. about everything. i wish i could. my father doesn’t deserve the tears i’m still shedding, or the lump and bile building in my throat, or the tightness in my chest, or the space in my thoughts… i hate it. i don’t know what to do anymore.

[khodorkovskaya]

Like, those things all meant something to you too! That's a v important thing to you and in a relationship. People are meant to be supportive of each other, like, why couldnt he chear you on or show enthusiasm and encouragement towards you

yeah! and he never did! about anything!

idk if it's bc my period is coming up or bc i spent the night at my parents' place yesterday and that brought back old memories, but i thought about him again last night and cried. more specifically i remembered how i caught him watching porn... and it really broke my heart and still does.

i don't remember if i told this story here before but i'll tell it again bc it's such a clear example of what kind of behaviour to avoid in men.

so in my second year of uni i got really depressed. there was covid, i didn't see the point of studying anymore, i hated everything and our relationship was also going nowhere. im not gonna get into the details of it, but the important thing to know is that i was depressed. i lost weight, would burst out crying out of nowhere, i was a mess.

and when you're depressed, well, you have no libido. it felt like everything was frozen down there. i couldn't get my coochie to cooperate. and, as my ex never made any particular effort to console me or provide me with the least amount of care and compassion a depressed person could need, i didn't feel particularly motivated to sleep with him either.

and just as a side note, i talked about my depression a lot. my parents really helped me thru it and i started going to therapy so that it wouldn't get worse, i really tried my best to let it be known that i was depressed and that i needed help. and when it came to the sex stuff, i would also explain it to my ex, so that he wouldn't feel undesired. i even made a list of things that turn me on for him in at attempt to make things easier for him. (he didn't care at all about the list btw. bc things that turn me on aren't sexual enough i guess. it was mostly things like cuddling, having deep conversations, looking into each others eyes, romantic gestures, etc. it was too boring for him i guess.)

so anyway, time goes by and our sex life gets more and more frustrating. bear in mind he had previously told me on several occasions that in his mind cheating and not telling your partner about can be justified. he'd sometimes bring up things like "when couples get older, they usually don't have sexual chemistry anymore and the dad goes after the young secretary, you know what i mean hahaha? that's probably gonna be us one day hahahahaha". and coming from a family where the dad did leave the family for a younger woman, that really stood out to me. so even if he meant it as a joke, it was not funny to me at the slightest.

and so here i am, feeling sexually useless, my boyfriend telling me that im not trying hard enough and that he feels offended that i don't find him desirable anymore (even though i had told him a million times that that wasn't the issue) and then it hits me like shit.... here we go... he's gonna cheat on me just like he said. i can't provide him with what he needs, so he's gonna go find someone else.....

so every time we had sex it felt like it was some kind of exam i had to pass to keep him. i became overly conscious about what i did and how i acted in bed, i started feeling fat and started hating my body, it was horrible. and naturally, the sex became even worse. and so he became more and more pushy. and it became this vicious cycle.

bear in mind that as i said, i had made that list of things that turn me on. and plus i would also tell him that i felt like going on a date could maybe make things a bit better. we could spend some quality time together, have deep conversations, eat something nice and the romance could turn me on, it would be a win-win. but he never took me out on a date, not once 🙃

so the whole thing started in like april 2020 and it was reaaaally bad in winter 2021. and now it was setember 2021 and still no date, constant reminders of how im not good enough from his end every time we have sex and frustration upon frustration upon frustration.

summer is coming to an end and he's like "ohh we haven't gone hiking this year, let's go hiking, that could be your date". and im like shit, i don't like hiking. but he pushes me to do it. (and to be fair it was quite fun, but the point is he organised the camping trip for himself and not to please me.) so we're in the car, on our way to the mountains. i open his phone to look up google maps and... there's porn. gangbang porn. my whole world starts to crumble.

of course i cant live upto his expectations in the bedroom! im up against porn actresses! women who do this for a living! it's like comparing a regular person to a supermodel, like you can't compete with that. here i am, a regular girl without any spicy sexual fantasies, low self esteem and depression. my boyfriend prefers watching violent porn to making love to me and the only way to get him back is... to be better than porn actresses...? it's a lost cause, isn't it?

so im there like fuckkkk and he starts nervously laughing like "oopsie, you caught me ahaha". and i have two options: either A, confront him about it or B, suck it up and postpone the conversation until the end of the hike. and we're already at the mountains at this point. confronting him would mean making a uturn and ruining the "date" i was begging him for months for. maybe this hike could be my chance to get him back? he loves hiking, so if i show interest in hiking, maybe he would love me and be more compassionate with me! so i choose option B.

after walking for two days straight, the hike is finally over and we get home. im exhausted, my legs hurt like hell. as we lie in bed, he wants to have sex with me. i say "not now, im sooo tired", hoping that he will understand. we just came back from a two day hike! he will undestand, right? but of course he doesn't and he gets angry at me again. "this is why i watch porn," he says. and i want to die.

so i tell myself, i will do anything for him. i will prove to him that i can do it, that im capable!

(ive always had a deep fear of making the first move and initiating sex. what if he thinks that im a slut? what if i do something wrong and he will think it's weird?)

and so, despite my fears, i decide to sacrifice it all for him. my legs are in pain, my heart is pounding in my ears because im terrified, i feel like this is my last chance to get him to like me. so i roll over and start kissing him. the adrenaline is crazy, i feel like it's life or death. im holding back tears, as im thinking about the women in the porn videos he watches.

and my worst fear comes true.

he just lies there.

he doesn't kiss me back, he doesn't put his arms around me. he just lies there.

and im like fuck. here we go. im weird. im ugly. im useless. he's already made up his mind. fuck, maybe i deserve to be cheated on, im so worthless. it literally feels like my whole existence is falling apart. im devastated.

so i pull back from the kiss and ask him if he's okay. and he says "you see now? this is how i feel". he basically decided to punish me for saying no to sex earlier.

so yeah... it really broke my heart... and i don't know when it will heal. because i still think about it sometimes and it makes me cry.

and it really sucks because this whole thing could've been avoided if back in 2020 when my depression had just began, he'd just said "hey babe, you're not in the mood? that's okay! we can just cuddle and watch a movie if you want. im always here for you no matter what. we'll figure things out together, don't worry about it, okay? i love you!". that alone would've made me want to have sex with him. maybe if he had said that, my depression wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. i wouldn't have had the body issues and the self esteem issues and a broken heart... but it turned out his penis was more important than all of that.

[d0ntw0rrybehappy]

journallllll 5/21

now that i’m moving out it’s gonna be harder to see my mom cause i’m further away and she’s gonna be sooo sad. i worry about my mom bc inside she is the world’s most lovable sweetest well-meaning person but she has less self-awareness/emotional control than most people so people judge her rly hard. i always want to be like guys just roll your eyes and let it go and let her know she is loved, she just has some weird kind of like, specific mom dementia/brain glitch, and deep down you KNOW this so lay off. there are so few people my mom lets in or will actually listen to. she was this kid runaway who built a life for herself in the art world copping designer clothes and flying to paree like a fucking pirate and then she had me instead of getting married and i’m one of the like MAYBE 3 people she actually likes. lol. nails & teeth metaphor “you’re the only one she’ll listen to” or “you’re the only one who can talk to her.” i miss her friend jaime who was an indubitably brilliant depressive semitic russian translator who never once judged my mom and they had this kind of relationship where they’d lie feet-to-head on a couch and just chat chat chat. she was my favorite of my mom’s friends. she died from cancer and self-neglect basically. bullshit. shauna’s friend alex reminded me of her the last night and i was like ugh i miss jaime. i wish my mom still had jaime!!! what am i gonna do? i have to have my own life but i have to protect my mom. stupid WASPs be like “you can’t take on your moms problems” shut the fuck up WASP you don’t know shit. other kids be rolling their moms around in wheel chairs and don’t complain you piece of individualist propaganda. nails & teeth metaphor the ignominious but resolute fighter (the progeny) lol.

so anyway this isn’t a post about my mom this is a post about henry cuz then i remembered henry lives on the west side like my mom. henry whom i’ve been on two dates with and have a major crush on. not a normal crush, a “oh you’re about to buy a horse son” level crush. and i imagined when i come to the west side, henry joining me for dinner on the days i visit my mom. not because that sounded like oh so much fun to him but because it was a way for us to spend time together. there are ppl who are married who do that kind of stuff for each other. it made me want to cry bc that would mean so much to me. this is fantasy henry not real henry but probably he would. i’ve only been on two dates with him and everyone is like avaaaaa don’t have too many expectations and like I KNOW i know i’m in it like ?? what’s the phrase? in it like jarvin? lol. besides if he dumped me i would DESERVE IT!!! i got fuckin’ KARMA to pay baby i broke more than a couple hearts the past couple years THIS IS WHAT THEY FELT LIKE?!? THEY FELT LIKE THIS?!?!?? wow FUCK

um but yeah obviously i would survive and if we break up it’s cause we’re not a match and there’s nothing *wrong* with me, duh, duhhhhh, totally notttttt a completely unhinged and slightly unhygienic individual, plus now i know what to look for - kind!!! stable!!! people!!! people i have a lot in common with!!! smart!!! part of the same world as me!!! people with a vision, a goal, passions!!! who take care of themselves!!! okay there’s gotta be lots of guys like that. so if it’s not henry FINE. but guyssssss guys i could actually see a future with him wtf was i doing before??? wowww i played so many games without realizing. 

anyway so we’ve only been on 2 dates so far but i am fully smitten with him (with spells of crushing doubt) and if one more person tells me to play it cool and not have expectations i WILL bite bc bitch I KNOW can you give me SOME OTHER KIND OF ADVICE PLS i have obviously not TOLD him any of this so stop putting more pressure on me to act or feel a certain way trust me I GET IT. and i think it’s dumb this is the advice given to women anyway.

also i’m going to europe probably for an entire month and as long as i don’t lose my job i’m gonna have a fucking amazing summer. losing job doesn’t seem that plausible, however, terrifying thought, bc i’m on my own now and need the moolah. and was a little uneven the past few months but that’s just a learning lesson ig. plus there’s always more jobs. right??? right. *sailor moon handhold sparkle fx*

ok thanks for being witnesses to my online diary my friends anxietyposting on here actually kind of helps, really excited for the future, it’s amazing that i’m getting these opportunities and the reason i’m so anxious is bc i care and i have something to lose. !

[beatnikbedlam]

Best New Anime of 2022

(reposted from cohost)

so i had cancer this year! which apparently means i actually watched enough new anime last year to do a top ten list? so i guess this is my first anime top ten! pretty neat! i’m only gonna cover shows that premiered this year because it would be hard not to put stuff like Mob Psycho and JoJo on here and there was so much great new stuff that i wanna focus on. here goes!

10: Love Flops: this show… this fuckin’ show y’all. the first few episodes are…. A Lot. some of the horniest anime bullshit i’ve seen. it takes over half the season to really show its hand. and look, i really don’t want to spoil anything, because it has some truly great reveals, but goddamn is it an incredible fucking hand. a show that is both absolutely demented and very touching

9: Aharen-san wa Hakarenai: translates to Aharen is Incomprehensible. just a really cute, chill little romcom about a couple of goofballs and their even goofier friends. was a very nice thing to look forward to during a pretty hard summer!

8: Urusei Yatsura: i originally had Spy x Family here, but y’know what? fuck that. Lum’s Back Bay Beeee and she looks better than ever. David Productions outdid themselves here

7: Bocchi the Rock: the most i've related to a character in ages. great music, great animation, great pals

6: Chainsaw Man: not typically my vibe, but it's so good i can't help but appreciate it anyway. i have trouble with “misery parade” stuff but Chainsaw Man takes it so far that it becomes hilarious. i really love its exploration of intimacy and control, very nuanced and looks at a lot of different aspects of it. Power and Denji’s friendship is super refreshing, Makima is scary as hell, and Himeno is… unfortunately very hot. don’t @ me

5: Ya Boi Kongming: time travel is always my jam, and this is one of the best. it subverts the whole "the character is dumb bc they're from the past" thing by making the MC a master strategist from the Three Kingdoms period. there's initial confusion, but he picks up quick, and it's more about him using his stratagems to help a girl become a famous singer. it also has one of the best OPs of the year too

4: Birdie Wing: it's the Lesbian Mafia Golf anime, what do you want from me

3: Akiba Maid War: legit one of the most buckwild first episodes ever put to film. absolutely has to be seen to be believed. all i'll say is that the title is literal, and it’s majestic. #1 fuckup gang of 2022

2: My Dress-Up Darling: immaculately crafted romcom, incredible characters. more or less a perfect show, would have been my top spot if the next one hadn't come to eat its lunch a few months later. the scene on the train after the con is one of my favorite scenes in anime period

1: Call of the Night: feels like a show made specifically for me. it's a romcom, but it's moody and there's philosophical shit and vampire fights? sign me the fuck up. then there’s Anko Uguisu, who is a fucking Problem 🥵 and to top it all off, it's the most gorgeous show i’ve seen in a long time. something like Demon Slayer has really fluid action sequences with amazing effects, but it looks pretty standard otherwise. but the composition and color and detail of every shot is so carefully considered in Call of the Night, it’s really something special. truly, absolutely cannot wait for season 2. i picked up the manga and am around chapter 100 now, it’s going in some really fascinating directions

and that’s my list! i was going to make this an honorable mentions section but ended up just mentioning basically everything else new i watched lol. so here’s that:

Ranking of Kings is a show i really loved but it just didn’t quite make the cut. the ending felt a little rushed and it started getting a bit predictable, but still great if you need a good cry

Shikimori Isn’t Just a Cutie was sweet and fun but felt a little thin

Spy x Family is really well-made and totally adorable but i have to take it in small doses for some reason

Reincarnated as a Sword i had no real issues with and i’m looking forward to season 2, but it just wasn’t a top 10

Eminence in Shadow: love the farce, fuckin’ hate the MC. still not sure where i come down on it tbh

Yakuza’s Guide to Babysitting: liked it, didn’t watch enough of it

Do It Yourself! is really cute but it never quite hits the highs of something like Laid Back Camp. still worthwhile if you like that kind of thing tho

Lycoris Recoil: i really enjoyed it while i was watching it, but i keep forgetting it exists tbh

and as far as returning stuff goes Mob had such a great ending, i’ve really enjoyed the Stone Ocean adaptation, i just got into Welcome to Demon School Iruma-kun this year and i’m having a great time with it, reminds me so much of that 00’s Soul Eater/HxH/toonami-type shonen but much less fight focused. and of course, Uzaki-chan was fucking incredible, as expected

it’s kind of crazy how much good anime there was this year and how many i haven’t even gotten around to yet! this winter 2023 season is seeming… a bit dry so far but at least Queen Nagatoro has returned to grace us with her presence. gonna wrap it up, but if someone found this and read all the way to the end… hey, thanks! you’re great!