#i mean they could make a trump pack on all the crazy shit hes said really

[rowenwolf]

Do you think Cards Against Humanity can make a presidential debate pack?? This entire thing is littered with gems

[mypearchive]

(Above:  Ettinger and Ruffalo after a performance of Awake and Sing! in 2006).

Mark Ruffalo and Philip Ettinger on Playing Four Versions of the Same Two Characters in I Know This Much Is True

By Mark Ruffalo for “Interview” magazine

May 19, 2020

What do we want from entertainment when the outside world feels so bleak? Are we in search of a balm, or more salt to pour on our wounds? For Mark Ruffalo and Philip Ettinger, the answer leans toward the latter, which makes their new HBO miniseries I Know This Much Is True perfectly tuned to the moment. Ruffalo stars in the writer and director Derek Cianfrance’s six-part adaptation of Wally Lamb’s 1998 novel, playing Dominick and Thomas Birdsey, identical twin brothers who couldn’t be more different. In the show’s first episode, Thomas, a paranoid schizophrenic, severs his own hand in a public library as a sacrifice to god, and the story refuses to let up from there, skipping back and forth in time as it digs into the traumas that have left these brothers so broken. Ettinger, a 34-year-old actor who mined similarly grim territory as a radical environmentalist in 2017’s First Reformed, plays college-age versions of the Birdsey twins, which meant he not only had two play two characters, but also sync his performances to match Ruffalo’s, an actor he grew up idolizing. Here, Ruffalo and Ettinger connected a day after the show’s premiere to discuss why challenging art is better suited to challenging times, and the cathartic experience of bringing this dark story to light. —BEN BARNA

———

PHILIP ETTINGER: How are you doing?

MARK RUFFALO: I’m doing okay, man. I’m feeling really fucking raw today and vulnerable, like I went on a bender and peed on my girlfriend’s parents’ coffee table, thinking that I was having a great time. And then I’m waking up the next morning just saying to myself, “Oh, fuck. What have I done?”

ETTINGER: [Laughs] I re-watched the premiere last night, and it’s much easier to see it a second time. I couldn’t even process it the first time I watched it.

RUFFALO: How did you nail me as Dominick? It’s uncanny to see someone doing a version of me—and doing it so well.

ETTINGER: That means a lot coming from you. I told you this before, but I wrote you a letter when I was doing This Is Our Youth in acting school because you’ve always been an actor that I’ve looked up to [Ruffalo starred in the Kenneth Lonergan play when it premiered off-Broadway in 1996]. I connected to you more than any actor, the way that you led with vulnerability and an open heart. When this audition came up, to play a younger you, it felt like the universe was handing me something. I watched every interview you’ve ever done, and before every night of shooting, I watched your scenes from You Can Count On Me, because I tried to use that as a template for my version of Dominick.

RUFFALO: I think that Dominick is kind of the 52-year-old version of Terry [Ruffalo’s character in You Can Count On Me], in a weird way.

ETTINGER: That’s so interesting. You’ve gone on to have such an expansive career, and you’re just coming off of the Avengers movies. Does this feel like you’re coming back home in a way?

RUFFALO: Kind of, yeah, because it’s about family, it’s working class, it’s in a small town. It’s real people dealing with real problems in really human ways, and it’s a guy who’s very tough, but there’s something beautiful and sensitive about him. It’s the kind of material I was doing before I did Avengers. It’s probably what I relate to the most. Will it be as popular? Probably not. But as an actor, it’s very meaningful to me. You were shooting Thomas before I did, and you really showed me so much of that character. I don’t know if you could see it, but I was pulling directly from you. And then we had that amazing walk with each other when we met that night, and talked about these two guys and tried to integrate our performances. That was really special. Not many actors would be willing to do that, and I really appreciate you opening yourself up and being vulnerable and the give-and-take that we shared in that 40-block walk.

ETTINGER: I think it happened right before I was about to start shooting, and I was totally shitting-my-pants nervous. Like you said, I was playing Thomas first, and I wanted to make my own choices and follow my instinct. But I’m in support of you, and I wanted to be in service of your performance. That night you opened your heart to me, and it’s a thing I’ll never forget. We were just walking the city streets finding it together. And I didn’t even know this, but one day before I’d play Dominick, I’d do pushups. And then then I found out that you did pushups before—

RUFFALO: Every take.

ETTINGER: The energy was so special on that set. Derek [Cianfrance] sets up a playground where you feel like you’re one organism trying to tell a story. Things would happen that were way past intellectual choices. I’m not a good impressionist, I can’t try to copy you. I just trusted that the energy would work itself out.

RUFFALO: Did you prefer playing one character more than the other?

ETTINGER: With Dominick I would get so angry and frustrated, and then I’d go to my trailer and change into Thomas, and I got to be as present and open and empathetic as possible. So it felt freeing. There’s something about Thomas, he just tells the truth, and sees with a certain type of clarity that’s not fogged up by other things. How about you?

RUFFALO: You had it much more difficult than me because you were doing both characters on the same day. How beautiful and delineated those two performances are is mindblowing. But I had a similar experience. Dominick, like you said, has this armor, he has to project strength, and he uses violence as the final way to resolve an issue, whether it’s emotional or physical. When I started to play Thomas, Derek was like, “Let your stomach go.” And I was like, “What?” And he’s like, “Let your stomach go, man. Stop holding in your stomach!” And I was like, “I’m not holding in my stomach!” And I realized I’ve been holding my stomach in my whole life as a show of masculinity, that I have this strong core, that if someone just came up and punched me in the stomach, I’d be able to take the punch. I’ve spent my whole life on-the-ready in that way. And Thomas is so soft in the stomach. He shows his belly, that softness, that vulnerability. He has a kind of freedom about who he is. I mean, the guy cuts his fucking hand off. We shot that scene on September 11, and when I came in and sat down in the coffee shop, we all took a moment of silence. In the moment of silence, I started praying, spontaneously, just like Thomas started talking, and he was praying for America. And I started to realize that if we had listened to Thomas, we wouldn’t be where we are today. The world would be a different place. The Iraq war would have never happened. We probably wouldn’t have had a second term of Bush. We wouldn’t have had the division in the country that has led to Trump. It’s just so funny that that character who we all write off as crazy, or who we’re afraid of, was so prescient to know what was right.

ETTINGER: What is normal? We’ve created a whole society of structure and time and these jobs we have to do, and that is what makes us important. Yes, there’s a part of Thomas that can flip into extreme paranoia, but I made the decision that it stems from an impulse of ultimate truth. Like you said, he’s right on his impulse. He might take it too far, but there’s a part of him that is way more truthful and way more knowing than almost everyone else around him.

RUFFALO: Did you read the book?

ETTINGER: I read half of the book while I was reading the scripts, and then I put it aside. I’ve saved the other half of the book until this all passes so I can have my own moment with it.

RUFFALO: I totally understand the impulse of wanting to find it on your own. What was working with Derek like?

ETTINGER: When I met with you in the diner, the one thing you said to me was, “Don’t worry, he doesn’t move on until he has what he’s looking for.” I love how Derek is constantly chasing lightning in a bottle, and the ultimate truth. And you think you have it one way, and then he just pushes you into a whole different thing so far beyond anything that I can intellectually think about. It’s the greatest.

RUFFALO: It’s so satisfying and so scary.

ETTINGER: He has such a fine-tuned impulse for watching actors and then pushing them in the right direction. You’ve just got to be game.

RUFFALO: Do you think the material is too heavy for this moment?

ETTINGER: I was wondering how people would take this story during the time that we’re in, but I’ve mostly been watching stuff that has a lot of heart and has a lot of pain and has people struggling to survive. I think everyone has felt pain on many different levels, and I’ve always felt a sense of comfort and a sense of being less alone when I watch truthful stories that deal with real-life shit. I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying to be honest with my own traumas and pain, and it’s interesting how the projects that I’ve done lately have been more of an internal dive into some difficult stuff.

RUFFALO: Everyone wants to be hysterical right now, to just laugh themselves off the fucking cliff, but what I see is a world that’s full of a lot of pain and suffering and loss. And to tell the truth about that in art is a cathartic act, a reminder of who we are as human beings in a moment when I feel like this world we’re living in now is post-human, where the technology is actually leaving mankind behind. The digital image is so packed full of information that our eyes can’t even see all of the information that it’s recording. We can’t keep up with it, and we’re living in our shallow social media selves that are only projected versions of ourselves, but not real or human in any way. So find something that really tells the truth about the human experience, about loss, about love, about connection, about responsibility to each other, about fighting for something—all those things are a good reminder of what it is to be a human being in a time that’s so dehumanizing.

ETTINGER: I feel like such an important part of the struggle of just living is to feel connected to each other, to understand that we aren’t alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Archiving this interview in full, in case the link to the magazine that I posted earlier, expires sometime in the future.

[bourbonboredom]

Bachelorette Party II

This was originally going to be a one shot, then I realized I’m basically incapable of keeping things brief.

A ClydexReader fanfic

Part I  Part II   Part III

Summary: You’re back in Boone County for the first time in seven years. Your best friend from high school is getting married and you wouldn’t miss it for the world. On her last night of freedom, the bachelorette drags her bridal party to Duck Tape as a final stop on their bar crawl. It’s under the dimmed lights that you see your high school friend/high school crush, Clyde Logan. Is it fate? Or is your friend just trying to set you up?

Word Count: 3,204

Warnings: drinking, cursing

@a-whole-damn-sackler​ @sadsexvibes @ladygrey03​ 

You spent the next thirty minutes stealing glances at Clyde. You tried to be present at the table and be apart of the bachelorette activities but you were having trouble focusing. Sarah hip-checked you out of one of your space-outs and motioned to the tray of empty shot glasses in front of them.

“Hey can you grab us another round?” she asked.

“Are you making me get it on purpose?” you ask back. You were aware of her intentions now, and were a little more cautious.

“Absolutely,” she said, “You keep lookin’ that way, you might as well go over there,”

You shot her a look, but you knew you’d been caught. She gave you a look back, and you knew she wasn’t gonna let you go on this one. You flipped her off as you walked away, making her and the other girls laugh behind you.

You approached the bar slowly, the deafening music proving no match for the sound of your heart beating in your ears. This was stupid, why were you acting like this? It’s just Clyde. He’s the same kid who had you pull a crawfish off his nose when he held it too close to his face and it pinched him. He’s a dumb boy who you had a dumb crush on. This was fine, you were fine. Just be cool.

You walked to where you stood before, feeling a little more put-together. Jimmy was still sitting on his stool, nursing a new beer. Clyde stood behind the bar chatting with him. They both looked up as you drew near, Jimmy smiled and Clyde’s face was, well, unreadable.

“Back so soon?” Jimmy asked.

“Sarah sent me up for another round, whiskey this time,”

“On it, I’ll be back in a sec,” Clyde said as he went to retrieve a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“He hasn’t been able to stop looking at you all night,” Jimmy leaned over to whisper in your ear. “He’s havin’ a hard time bartendin’, I watched him almost flood the counter with seltzer a minute ago,”

“You’re an awful brother,” you roll your eyes. He just laughed.

“Am I? Would an awful brother tell you he had the biggest damn crush on you in high school?”

Your eyebrows shot up and he took your stunned silence as a signal to keep talking.

“I spent years trying to get him to ask you out. He never did it obviously, he’s too stubborn for his own damn good,”

“You’re crazy,” Jimmy had to be wrong. Clyde never did anything to indicate he liked you.

“He’d kill me if he knew I told you but he has a stack of letters he wanted to send to you when he was serving but never got up the nerve to actually do it. I found them in his pack when he came home,”

This was all too much. This couldn’t be true. But before you had the chance to ask him anything else Clyde was back with a new bottle of whiskey.

“Jimmy what’re you tellin’ her,” his look was dangerous, not that his brother seemed to care.

“Were just catchin’ up, you worry too much Clyde. I gotta head out actually, gotta pick up Sadie in the mornin’,” he said his goodbyes and patted his brothers arm as he got up.

His metal arm.

You can’t believe you didn’t notice until now, it’s kind of hard to miss.

“Clyde, your arm,” you said softly.

“It’s nothin’,” he said, pouring the shots. He worked with his good arm, trying to keep the robotic hand out of view.

“That don’t look like nothin’,” you noted. “Was this overseas? How long ago did it happen?”

“About five years ago now, right as I was gettin’ out of my last tour. They did a trans-radial amputation. This prosthetic is newer. I had a standard plastic one, but was lucky enough to be upgraded to this one. It can grab on to stuff, so it’s closer to havin’ my hand back. I got it probably a year and a few months ago,”

You felt a wave of shame wash over you. How could you not know about this? Sure, you fell out of touch but this was literally life-changing. Your friend lost his arm and you were so busy doing whatever that you didn’t even know. Nothing in college or at work could have trumped this, you felt like you let him down.

“I’m so sorry Clyde, that must have been so painful to go through,” his eyes caught yours as you spoke, flitting away a moment later to focus on the bottle of Jack. “I should have been there for you,”

“It wasn’t your fault. And you were busy with school, I wasn’t gonna bother you. It did hurt but I’m better now. The doctor’s said I healed near perfect and I got this fancy arm,”

“I would have dropped everything to come see you if I knew,”

“I know, that’s why I didn’t tell you. You got out of this town, I wasn’t gonna have you comin’ back on account of me gettin’ hurt,”

You looked at him, at a loss for words. He purposely didn’t tell you because he knew you, and how you’d react. Part of you wanted to be mad, but the other part understood. You were overwhelmed with emotion. You wanted the counter separating the two of you to disappear so you could hold him close. You settled on reaching across the bar to hold his good hand in yours. He looked taken aback at first, but gave you a gentle squeeze when he saw the look in your eye.

“Don’t be worryin’ about me, you’re supposed to be partyin’ tonight,”

“I’d rather talk to you,” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop them.

“Go, we’ll catch up later,” he gave a small smile that made your heart skip a beat.

You took the tray of shots and headed back to your table. Except it was empty now. You looked around for Sarah and the rest of the bridal party, but they were nowhere to be found. Still carrying the tray of shots, you headed outside to call her. It was colder now and you crossed your arms across your body in an attempt to keep warm.

She picked up on the third ring and you immediately heard a chorus of laughter in the background.

“Hey girl!” her voice came.

“Sarah, where did y’all go I can’t find anyone at the bar,”

“Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry! A few of the girls got real sick and we had to take ‘em home right away! And you were talkin’ to Clyde and I didn’t want to disturb you because you looked so happy!” your stomach formed a huge knot. This was the damn country, there weren’t any ubers or taxis around and Sarah’s parent’s house was a few exits down the highway. It was much too far to walk back.

“So whats the plan then?” you tried not to grit your teeth as you spoke.

“Well, my sister and law and I and come back and get you but it might be a bit. One of the girls threw up in the car and we wanna get it out as fast as possible. You could ask Clyde for a ride home, maybe? I don’t think he could say no to you,”

Ah, there it was. This was probably not an accident. Sarah liked to try to set you up. You thought it was just her taking you here but you realized she’d planned a little further than that.

“Oh! And I left my card at the bar, can you close my tab and stuff?”

You stop for a beat and smile to yourself. You had your own plan now. If she was gonna play this game with you, you were gonna change a few of the rules.

“Sure thing babe, I’ll ask if Clyde can help me out, I’ll be home soon hopefully,” your tone dripped like honey, a rare occasion for you. Sarah was too drunk to notice though and just said her goodbyes.

You hung up and let out a loud sigh. It was almost three in the morning now, way too late for this shit. Way too early too. You headed back into the bar and back over to Clyde. Duck Tape was rather empty at this point, the crowded dance floor had cleared out and your friend was closing out the last few tabs for the night.

“Hey, didya find your friends?” he asked.

“They had to run home for an emergency, so I’m kinda stuck here for a bit,” she settled on telling half of the truth.

“Do you need a ride? I’m pretty much done here, I can take you home if you want,”

“Thats sweet of you, I’d appreciate that. But no need to rush, I don’t want to keep you from your job,”

He stepped away from the cash register and put both arms on the bar counter on either side of yours. He towered over you, his long locks threatening to fall in his face as he spoke softly.

“Darlin’, I’m the owner. I can do whatever I want,” he said as he stared into your eyes with a small smile.

You knew he didn’t mean it like that, but fuck you felt heat pool in your stomach with those words. He’d never called you by a pet name before. You didn’t know if that was something he just said when talking to girls, or if it was just for you but you wanted to be the only girl he’d call darlin’ ever again. You mustered a nod in response and sat on a stool to wait.

“Sarah, um, left her card here. She wanted me to close out her tab,” you mentioned.

“Sure thing, I kept the card but I wasn’t gonna charge her for anything,” he passed the plastic your way. Before he could turn around, you tapped his shoulder with it.

“Actually,” you started. “She said I could get myself something for the trouble. Would you wanna stop by the Exxon station and get some junk food? For old times’ sake?”

He smiled for the second time that night, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Only if we can get Slushies,”

—————————

The two of you practically bought out the gas station using Sarah’s card.  M&Ms, chips, twinkies, cookies, candy bars, and of course, slushies. You don’t remember when it started, but buying gas station junk food was kind of a thing between you and Clyde. When one of you was having a bad day, you’d both go to the Exxon by the high school and buy as much crap as possible. Slushies were always a must, no matter the weather. Red for you and blue for him.

Since there wasn’t anywhere for you to sit at the gas station except the pavement, you’d accepted his invitation of going to his trailer. He’d noticed you were starting to shiver as you walked through the store and he offered you his coat that he kept in the back seat.

You sat in the passenger seat of his car as you drove down the highway. You were the only car on the road, something Clyde told you he was used to. He worked weird hours because of the bar, and was fine staying up with you. You snuggled further into his coat as you listened to him talk. It was much too large for you, but you didn’t mind. It was warm and smelled like him. 

His trailer was just off a main road, tucked in the trees. He told you about how he lived with Jimmy for a while after he and Bobbi Jo divorced and after Clyde’s medical discharge. They never really said it out loud, but they needed each other back then. Now, Jimmy moved to be closer to his daughter and he’s been seeing this girl so he’s all set. And Clyde has the bar, and he’s saved up “a lil bit of cash” so he figured he should get his own place. It looked modest enough from the outside, just a standard trailer.

When he took you inside though, it was a far cry from anything she’d seen in Boone County before. It was clearly new, with no wear and tear in sight. It had a decent sized kitchen, with an even bigger living area. A tv was mounted on the wall in between two large built-in bookcases that were filled with books.

He always did like his books, you thought.

You could only imagine what the rest of the place looked like. You were kind of surprised he could afford this, the bar must be doing really well.

“This place is gorgeous,” you tell him, “did you decorate this yourself?”

“Mellie helped a lot, she’s better with that stuff than I am. I chose the bookshelf though, wanted to have a place to put everything,” He stood next to you, watching you look around.

“Well it looks great, I bet girls love coming over here,” your cheeks heated as you realize what you had just said to him, you turned away to focus on drinking your slushie, trying to use the cheery-flavored ice to cool down.

You didn’t notice as a blush spread across his cheeks. He was thankful for the hair covering his ears because he could feel them burning.

“I don’t get too many girls coming here. Or any, really,” he said.

“I find that very hard to believe,” you tease him. Your mouth was clearly on auto pilot and you decided to just roll with it. “A handsome guy like you? You mean picking up women at the bar is harder when you’re the owner?”

“I don’t know about all that,” his face was getting pink.

“About what?”

“Bein’ handsome. That’s not somethin’ people really think,”

“They’re idiots then,” you say, meeting his gaze. He gave a half-smile, cheeks getting a little pinker.

“Come on, lets sit down and eat all this junk,” Clyde said. You knew he was just changing the subject but you didn’t mind much. He’d always been bad at accepting compliments.

You sat down a respectable distance away and poured out the contents of the gas station bag on the table. You grabbed a pack of m&m’s while he grabbed a Twinkie and you sat in silence for a moment, reminiscing.

“So what’re you up to these days?” He finally asked.

“Nothing exciting really, I got a job in my field of study and have been working there for about four years now. I’m up north now, not too far from where I went to college,”

“That’s nice, I’m glad you’re doin’ well,” he paused for a moment, clearing his throat. “Are you seein’ anyone?”

“Not at the moment no. My last relationship was kinda... intense so I’ve been taking it too slow,” you explain.

“Intense?”

“Well, there was talk of marriage and I thought I wanted that at first, but the person I was seeing was pressuring me and I wasn’t really comfortable with it. And then i found out they were cheating on me and it kinda fell apart from there,” you tried to drown the bitter taste in your mouth with more chocolate, it was kinda working.

“You got cheated on?”

“Yeah, it’s shitty, but at least I didn’t marry them. I got out while it was still relatively easy to. It’s harder once there’s a ring and a wedding involved.”

“I suppose so, and I’m glad you aren’t with them. They don’t deserve you,”

“Thanks,” you mumble, cheeks heating. “I think being at Sarah’s wedding is helping me not be so bitter about it all, her and her fiancé really love each other,”

“That’s good to hear. It’s a shame she had to run off like that, I hope those girls are feelin’ better,”

“Actually,” you press your fingers to your temple, in disbelief that you’re actually going to tell him her plan. “I kinda think she did it on purpose,”

“She’d leave you behind on purpose?” he asked, clearly confused.

“I think she’s got bride brain, she’s too obsessed with love right now. It’s embarrassing...” you start, figuring out if you really wanted to tell him this. “...but I had a crush on you in high school. And I think she thought it’d be a good idea to try and set me up with you because of it,”

He was silent, brow furrowed as he studied you. You didn’t know whether to look at him or not, your gaze flicked between your lap and his face. Suddenly you weren’t so sure of what Jimmy had told you. Maybe he’d just been pulling your leg. Maybe he didn’t really feel the same way and this was all a cruel joke.

“I–it’s stupid, I know. That was like ten years ago, it’s not really helpful to tell you now and Sarah’s clearly out of her damn mind and–”

“I had a crush on you too,” he rushed to say.

Your eyes shot to his. He was picking at the slushie cup in his grip.

“I didn’t know you felt the same, I thought you just wanted to be friends so I never brought it up. And then when i went to the army and you kept sending me letters about how much you missed me and I thought maybe I had a chance.

"I was gonna tell you. I wrote letters where I was gonna tell you when I was afraid I might not make it back. But I never got up the nerve to send them. And when you came and visited me between tours, you were seeing someone else. I didn’t want to come between you. So I stopped writing as much,”

You had no idea he felt that way.

“I wanted to be with you,” you said quietly. He almost missed it. So you spoke again, louder. “They didn’t mean anything, i broke up with them as soon as we got back to school. I— thought I was over you but then hanging out with you that week just brought everything back. I wanted to be with you, Clyde,”

“And now?” he asked, his tone almost ghostly.

“Now…” you swallowed, his dark eyes felt like they were going to swallow you whole as he waited for your answer. “I walked into that bar tonight, saw you, and knew nothing had changed for me—”

His lips were on yours in an instant. You were shocked at first, barely registering what happened. This was something you’d only dreamt of, and now here he was, kissing you like you were the only thing that mattered in the world. Your hands tangled tentatively in his dark curls, something you’d been longing to touch all night. He leaned into your touch, deepening the kiss. He broke it when he needed air, chest rising and falling lightly as he looked at you.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since I was 16,” he said.

“I’ve been wanting you to do that since I was 16,” you smiled, pulling him back in.

[canaryatlaw]

alright, well today was actually pretty good, though the beginning wasn’t great because despite saying last night that I always regret sleeping instead of going to church, once again my desire to sleep won out over my want to go to church, so I just slept for a while longer and eventually got up and got ready for the date under the premise that I had just come back from church because that’s the circumstances we planned under. So I get ready and walk over to the restaurant, he’s looking for a parking space so I wait a few minutes and then he shows up and we go inside. this is the place we got lunch at yesterday which has a bunch of old arcade games and stuff but it’s also a sports bar, and of course today is Sunday which means football, and I had not put it together that it might be packed with screaming football fans. initially they were like uhh idk if we have any open tables but then they found one over by their second door which I was like oh uh that could get cold but apparently it’s an emergency exit so we didn’t have to deal with people coming in and out and letting cold air in (and it was like, 50 today, so that’s a vast improvement over how it’s been). we got cheese curds for an appetizer of course and I got the pancakes I was eyeing yesterday but didn’t want to do bread-like breakfast overload. they get the food out pretty quickly and we start talking. he’s a nice guy, the big draw here is that he is also a Christian and like, a going to church every week one not just using the label as a sure whatever. he was definitely raised in a super conservative Christian environment but I mean so was I and he said he’s been increasingly swinging towards being liberal with all of the bullshit going on in the conservative party, so that was encouraging at least (he did vote for Trump which I was like UGH about but he said he really regrets it so I guess I can let that pass). We did talk about more stuff other than religious and political views, it was just something I wanted to clear because like my contempt for Christians who are defending our current administration’s actions is so massive that it would honestly absolutely be a dealbreaker for me, so it was good to get that out of the way at least. and we talked about some child welfare stuff (or, mostly I ranted about it and why it pisses me off when people talk about tax cuts when they have no fucking clue what these innocent children are going through thanks to what is often an underfunded government) which I mean is like normal first date material at this point for me 😂 I’m not very good at keeping my passions to myself in stuff like this. He still goes to his parent’s church and he wasn’t really crazy about it, said the pastor could get a bit fire and brimstone-y and that their congregation had been dwindling in size (as many have) especially with young people (as many have). so I told him a bit about my church and what I think are the reasons so many millennials are drawn to it to the point where our “young adults” small group category is at like, a few hundred people at this point lol, so that’s had to become a whole program unto itself. he is definitely a (self-professed) nerd but we didn’t get into anything really superhero/comics related other than me talking about future con plans and who I may be meeting. There was a very smooth feel to it all, I still get the little jittery feeling when I’m with like people I don’t really know yet that like makes me want to limit the encounter but I’m generally able to push through it and I knew this was a good interaction and there hadn’t really been anything to throw me off up to this point, which is more than I can say for most of the other boys I’ve gone on dates with. looks wise he’s not bad, I’m sure I could get accustomed to him. so yeah, it was good. he paid, I offered to split it of course but he said it was fine so I accepted that and said thank you. after we paid the check we wandered around their arcade section for a little bit and tried out some of the free machines. there was a WWE one which I somehow managed to beat him at twice, which is odd because normally when it comes to video games I’m yet to master the art of walking and controlling where you’re looking at the same time, which kinda limits most of the things you can do, lol. then we did tetris which I was laughably bad at because I hadn’t played it in years and kept pressing the wrong button. but yeah, it was fun. we left off on a positive note, he of course had to drive all the way back to Wisconsin, he was like “yeah I haven’t really been down to Chicago since like middle school” which I thought was kinda crazy lol. but yeah, it was good, and I think there can be something there. I’m telling myself/hoping I’m not just saying that because he’s the first Christian option to come around in a while, but I do think there’s a legit connection there at least. so we’ll see what happens with that, I’m not in any rush at this point. After seeing him off to his car I walked back to my apartment and set myself to work labeling and wrapping the rest of the caramels, working with the chocolate covered ones now which are tricky because the chocolate is semi-ganache like because I used some heavy cream to thin it out and make dipping easier, so it’s easily prone to melting outside the fridge. but yeah I did that a bit, tomorrow I’ll probably split them up along with the Christmas cookies for the people I promised I would send them to (I ended up with a list of 8, which is good because I probably have like 300 caramels at this point lol). once I was done with that I made a quick dinner and set to watching the last few minutes of the great American baking show episode I left off on the other day, then back to netflix to continue on the great British baking show season I’ve been watching. I ended up almost being at the end of that one, I think I have two episodes left on that one. it’s been pretty good so far, in one of the episodes I watched tonight one of the like, really attractive young guys who’s a law student ffs managed to (TW for blood) cut his finger and not really pay attention to it and when he was kneading his dough it ended up like stretching the cut out and then his hand was like, covered in blood and it was a real HOLY SHIT moment so he of course had to leave to get that all sorted out and they didn’t end up sending anyone home that week (which they do semi-regularly, they just send two people home the next week). Yeah, so I watched that for a bit before starting to get ready for bed and now I’m here. I’m trying to come up with a list of things I want to do tomorrow, I need to do laundry for sure before I leave for NY on Thursday or I won’t have any clean clothes, I need to make it to a store of some sort to get milk so I can make cornbread (because Jess is craving it) and probably shipping materials for the Christmas goodies packages. and maybe (hopefully) look at some job applications and see if there are any worth applying to. so yeah, should be doable. And I get that’s it for now. Sleep seems like a good idea. Goodnight dears. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[rosedalemike]

The Mood: Blog #5 "Perception/Loneliness”

written Sunday April 8th at 5:36 am     Ever wonder what others think about you? Not that you should care what others think about you, but do you ever sometimes just wonder if maybe you were a dick/bitch to that someone when you didn't mean to be- and then on the other hand- way too nice/generous to someone who probably just talks shit about you? It happens to me a lot. It's probably one of the biggest reasons I'm traveling around by myself.

     Not that anything specifically like that came up this week. I've just been thinking about it more as I've finally been poking my head out of my basement to get back out to play shows. Just kinda like 'what does this person actually think of me? Did they actually just enjoy this show? Would they actually listen to my music regularly?' Not that they need to respect me or anything for me to like them. And, needless to say, I'm extremely grateful they came out to support anyway. It just sometimes makes me ponder things like: who is my actual demographic? What makes our distracted generation listen to an artist regularly? How/why can I make a stranger who has no idea what I do be completely invested in my art yet people who have seen me grow this garden for years suddenly have zero interest in Rosedale?

      Maybe some of those answers are relatable to reasons why I enjoy being alone. I know that probably sounds really sad to most people but hear me out...     

     Intro to sidetrack: I got into this topic with a long time fan at tonight's show. She was thanking me for being so nice and always inviting her out to shows. I had to tell her 'if only you knew how many people block me for that same gesture' (see blog #4). She was genuinely pumping my tires pretty good. Don't get it twisted- her boyfriend was right there the whole time and he was also cool A-F, as the kids say...

      She went on to say how she used to hang out with Hedley years ago whenever they were in town and they were rude dicks. She couldn't fathom their conversations. As easy as it might have been for me to jump on the freshly-greased "Hate-Hedley" bandwagon (kinda punny if you watch Trailer Park Boys) It got me thinking that maybe, as humans, when we're in our packs we often come across as unwelcoming. Especially bands! The inside jokes, the anything-goes-ness, the gear-geak battles/bro-downs. Looking back, I'm sure Rosedale sure fit that shoe for years! And I'd imagine macho sports teams come off as even more unwelcoming to strangers. (there I go- generalizing again...)

     But it's all perception- How do we perceive their inside jokes and harmless offside humour? Maybe Hedley were total dicks a few years ago, maybe they're not anymore. All I know is nothing really surprises me and I think even some of my favourite people get offended out of perceived context- not easily, per say- just out of common, outside perception. I'm sure I could go even more south and throw in some President Trump examples here but that dude gets enough external spotlight. And to clarify (before I get me a page-full of political/social facts that I have 0 any interest in); I'm neither a Trump or a Hedley fan...or Nickleback, for that matter...but I'm also not a total hater. I'm just saying they're prime examples of how perception and context have some serious horsepower especially in our ever changing world of social media/open-broadcasting.     

     Here's a wider, more harmless example of the two sides of perception that's a little closer to home; my set at Hard Luck in Toronto last Saturday. There was a high energy and big crowd in the room right as I was setting up. I played an ok set, nothing remarkable in my mind. But a very rare thing was happening; Humans were turning into Rosedaliens right before my eyes! They were feeding off of my music in ways only artists on the radio can relate to! They were eating up the positive message and yelling positive messages right back! The vibe was bliss! Nobody cared what anyone in the room might think of them. The phones were only out for "Eldorado's Climax" or to record/snapchat/livestream! After the set people were buying all the merch! I must have taken 15 photos with fans and strangers! Signed a few posters and CDs! Young, hip humans were telling me their stories! My tires were pumped way past any psi they've ever seen! Etcetera!!!

     Then I played London Ontario at the legendary Call the Office on the same night of the week, same time... (The only difference with this given Saturday was that there was no Easter/Passover excuses in my inbox.) But there were a total of maybe 15 people there. They were standing 30 feet away of the stage. I played/sang/delivered by far the best Rosedale set so far this tour with a proud smile on my face and, although the other bands and their friends kinda danced and inched closer towards the stage, not a single CD or shirt left the merch bins. Nobody asked to take their photo with me. Come to think of it, I was even getting the whole "This-dude-needs-a-band" vibe.

      So why did the mediocre Toronto performance get a way better response than the solid London set? Or even the relatively strong Brampton set that we filmed. It seems like it had nothing at all to do with me. It was entirely based on the crowd's perception! My good friend, Jonny (who is pretty knowledgeable with live music/performance/production), came out to both the Toronto show and the Brampton show. Even his perception was completely altered by these energized, Toronto meat baffles! Jonny thought the Toronto set was better. “You’re ready! Epic, prolific,” were his and his Toronto company’s words. He wished I'd filmed the Toronto show instead of Brampton. Kind of off topic (but, really, why I used the term "meat baffles"); Jonny also said the sound was bad in Brampton (and so did his Brampton company) and much better in Toronto. Where-as Bryan and Danny...and my mom... said that Brampton was the better sounding Rosedale show (and they were all also at the Toronto show!)

      So just because I had a generous, high energy crowd in front of the stage in Toronto, I was worth something to everyone in the room. I even sounded better, in Jonny’s opinion. People wanted pictures, autographs, and merch because their perception of Rosedale was a promising one. Yet, I could play the same exact set on the same night, same time, in a more intimate setting with a more solid performance and have my picture, signature, and merch less desired than just a couple more drinks. The other two bands played amazing sets as well. I was actually, genuinely blown away, like, fanboying on Adelaide’s guitarist, getting chills from Mermaids Exist’s harmonies etc. But they too set up their merch table for nothing. It is a very common display of how people's perception is strongly influenced by the context of their surroundings.

      The only person, arguably, in the room who felt...in the presence of greats- was myself! I know I played a legendary set and I'm 100% certain that if Adelaide and Mermaids Exist keep slugging away like that- they're gonna come built-in to everyone's iPhone 12s!

     This “perception-check” is nothing new to booking agents. They no longer accept buy-ons. (Of course I've tried!) Money can't buy you happiness, or a loyal following. Agents, labels, and managers want their bands playing to full rooms only. Intimate shows (as in half empty capacity shows...yes, I took the pessimist approach) are only creating negative perceptions. If, by some stroke of Modesty-Miracles, some of these rock star agents did stumble into reading this, they were thinking "No shit, Shirlock. Stop playing small shows" 5 paragraphs ago. I'm just letting everyone else know; the artist is about 10% responsible for impressing/entertaining the audience. The other 90% is the context of that room and a good chunk of that context is just simply the amount of people there. (other smaller pieces of the pie; venue decor/layout, sound engineering, staff, house music ...to name a few.) Maybe all of this is very obvious to most people already. I just wish solving all the pieces of that pie were easy or at least in my hands. But the modern ratio still just seems crazy to me, growing up in the punk/emo scene.    

      I think maybe another reason it seems crazy to me ties back to the fact that I'm alone a lot. When I'm alone I have more of an open mind and agenda. I think this could be the case for most people. There was one guy at the near-empty London show who was jumping up and down during my set. He was alone and so stoked. He didn't care what anyone thought- a proud new fan! I threw a pick perfectly into his hands at the end of my near-perfect set (#pingofftheforehead, Toronto show inside joke). He's been messaging my instagram all day. He didn't buy merch (he might have if there was a big generous crowd there, though) but he signed up and watched all of my youtube videos today.

      I think most people actually have a better time traveling/exploring/wondering out by themselves than they realize. I believe you're more accepting of different environments and cultural differences when you're by yourself. You're taking it all in and enjoying it. You're making new friends out of strangers who have no knowledge of your history as you have no knowledge of theirs. You feel like you can open new chapters of your own book and appreciate the fresh pages they're showing you, and consider the context. You might be thinking "so-&-so would love this" but chances are, if "so-&-so" were there, you'd likely be missing this too while off hanging at the bar or whatever.

      When you have your crew/family/entourage beside you for every door you open, life can start to pass you by. You might be having a great time with them and jel with them like peas and carrots, but the element of wonder and discovery isn't quite the same. It's sometimes like an invisible stress and I'd even go as far as to say that it is the main reason why bands break up on their first tour. Bands aside though, I've heard first-hand stories of good friends traveling together that went through episodes where they were so pissed off with each other that they wouldn't even talk to one another for hours. Sure, it could be the simple fact that you're now living with this friend/band hour-by-hour on this trip (Egos clash, ideas vary, mistakes affect everyone, true colours flourish etc.) and you're stuck with them for the next however-many-days. But I'm certain that a group-of-friends/family/band living together in their hometown would go over way better than living together in a new city every night. And traveling with a significant other- well that's an entirely different blog for a different day.

      I'm not sure if any of this is proven or factual. This is just me rambling at 5:30 am after a show. Another thing I hear a lot is "Mike, you just haven't found the right “one”/bandmates/friends". Fair enough. But maybe I'm just your classic degenerate- I could just be a weird lonely dinosaur that likes to roam alone. #lonewolf. But I think all of that coincides with the original point I made about being a dick to someone you actually really like/love. We've all done it, I'm sure. The nicest human in the world can be passive/harsh without realizing it. But as much as I think butting heads is inevitable when you're living together in uncharted land, there are friends that manage to really understand me and at least aim to dodge my weird pet-peeves (ie. guitar cases on stage). Of course, they can't drop their established lives/commitments to come travel around with me for months. So maybe there are layers to my solo-ness. (...loneliness sounded too sad.) 

LYRIC PARTY: 

Chasing the sun isn't my kind of fun I'd rather sit and catch snowflakes on my tongue When summers gone I won't be sad As you cling on to all the good times that you've had 'cause being alone isn't really all that bad - The Ataris "If You Really Want To Hear About It"

     But really, even when there's no stranger's pages or culture shock to take in, I have some great times by myself that I wouldn't be able to have with most company around. I wouldn't be able to write this blog in my bed at 5:30am. I wouldn't be able to listen to my new demos and imagine them mixed like my latest releases with my Westones on my 2 hour drive home from London. That, in itself, could easily be considered insanely narcissistic. And so could this; I love hanging out with myself! We get along very well. My tastebuds can be pretty inconsiderate to my gut's needs, and my lower brain is not too happy with the way upper brain has been handling brief encounters with the opposite sex, but alas, we're working on it!

      Another thing I like about being alone is that I'm pretty sure people like me more. Whenever I have friends around, it's almost like nobody wants to help with anything. And when I'm "working" away on something, a stranger might say something like "where's your friends? Why don't they help you with that?" As if to say "you need better friends, dude." It's really odd but it happens a lot and those little events tend to commit-to-memory for whatever reason. Kinda like that long-red-light that never fails to time out your drive perfectly. (One of the few books I've actually finished reading, "Stumbling On Happiness" (Daniel Gilbert), describes this human condition a bunch... took me three years to finish that damn book.) 

LYRIC PARTY: "Hangman, it's not your fault Commit this to memory The bright ideas are wasted and lost along the way" - Motion City Soundtrack "Hangman" (I could've sworn {or swore??} he said "For bright ideas always get lost along the way" then I looked it up... didn't look up sworn/swore though.)      Anyway, I guess this late night, scatter brained blog wants you to consider the context and surroundings when formulating an opinion/perception. And look at loneliness in a bright light. There are many positives. Don't ignore all your friends and family by any means, I'm just saying; A lot of people fear loneliness like they're gonna die alone and they need company at all times. "Alone time" is your most productive time. And productivity, as vague a term, is probably the healthiest form of instant gratification. So do something productive towards your goals the next time you're alone. And while you're at it, open up a new chapter to that old friend you later get to hang out with...

     Yeah, this one was all over the place. Thanks for reading though. If you made it this far, you're a trooper and I love you. 

Shows this week: Wednesday, April 11th - Ottawa, ON @ Mavericks -  10:00 set time, 19+, $8 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/321180534953651/ Thursday, April 12th - Kingston, ON @ Bar 56 - 9:30ish set time, 19+ish, $10 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/368799986934799/     Friday, April 13th - Potsdam, NY @ Hurly's/SUNY Potsdam -  7:30 doors/ 9ish set time - All Ages , FREE https://www.facebook.com/events/363889120774025/ Saturday, April 14th - Rochester, NY @ Firehouse - 8:00 doors/10ish set time - 21 +, $5 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/568521663507443 Sunday, April 15th - Pittsburgh, PA @ The Smiling Moose - 7:00 doors/ 9:00 set time, 21+, $8 tickets**/ $10 doors https://www.facebook.com/events/402443740204364/ Monday, April 16th - Cleveland, OH @ Grog Shop - 6:30 doors, 8:30 set time, ALL AGES, $8 tickets/$10 doors https://www.facebook.com/events/163297504327206/

[stlynnthoria]

Today while napping....

I had a very interesting dream where I was on some sort of stream with Chris Demarais, Michael Jones, Jeremy Dooley, and I think some other Roosterteeth people were there in the background? Anyway, I don't really remember what we were talking about on it but I guess the cameras were set up for bust shots, because I was there without pants. At one point I made a comment about someone's clothes and Michael was like "Man you have no room to talk, like what are YOU wearing on your legs? What is that??" And there was lots of laughter but it was towards the end of the stream and so I was like "It's nothing, I dunno what you're talking about! You're gonna make the audience think there's somehjng weird about me but this is completely normal!" And he was like "Yeah no, if you don't wanna explain thats fine but whatever is up woth you that's not normal" then looked at the camer and said "Just so you know, she's not normal, I dunno why we have her here" and then Chris was like "Hey now, it may be a luck thing or something" and Michael was like "Who's getting lucky with her?? Is it you?" And Chris and I were both backtracking with that and there was more laughter. After the stream ended, Jeremy asked if it was my fav pair of underwear and I was telling him how it was and I'd had them for years (???? What even dream-me?), and he askes if I was going commando and I was like what? So he explained that he has a lot of underwear that has holes where his balls are and be understands how uncomfortable chaffing can be because of that, so is it ever uncomfortable? And like no that's why I've had this pair for years they're super comfy.

And then Jeremy asked me to do him a favor, and it was to go to North Korea with him to visit his parents. I said yes and he was like "I didn't think you would say yes!" Ans Chris was nearby and was like "That is insane!" And I said "What's so crazy about it, I have the extra money for it and I've always wanted to go to an Asian country. I mean, I was aiming more for Japan, but this works" Then we set off for the airport without me even packing anything. We took like this subway to it, and met Gavin Free and Meg Turney there for it (they were going to North Korea for something else). While on the subway, we stood by this Korean chick and some white dude. They seemed to know eachother, and the white dude was talking about how the Korean chick was a legit prostitute and how she should be used to him coming on to her, and she was trying to say she wasn't. Eventually the guy stopped talking to her and started some convo with Meg and was getting uncomfortably close to her, until Gavin casually slid between their bodies ans stares the dude down. After we got off the Subway, I turned to Meg and was like "That's the best real life anime block save I've seen! He's good boyfriend material!" And she was like "Yeah I love when he does that it makes me feel so special. I just wish there was a way I could shout a phrase and he could do it faster" and I was like "Yeah but then you run the risk of turning him from thoughtful boyfriend to possessive boyfriend" and she was like "Yeah that's true" (glad that shit made sense to you dream-Meg because wha???). Then I grabbed her hand and declared that we HAD to talk anime.

The Airport we went to was like freakishly huge with a really, really long sidewalk up to it. So Meg started singing anime theme song mashups on the way up (she was really good) and I joined her, and we chatted about the shows and how Gavin never really listened to her about the shows on the way up. Jermey and Gavin were chatting about the new rules of flying in the background and how Trump was now making security keep a list of people who have tickets, and then another 'Trump-approved' list of people whi could fly without tickets. And how there's been a lot lf problems with it because anyone whi isn't white passing or part of the military are being put in waiting rooms before flieghts because of it, and some people have missed flieghts as a result. I'm thinking I'll be fine because I have two brother's in the miltary (nive use of foreshadowing, dream-brain). Finally we reach the airport, but Gavin and Meg split off because they parked their car here before work I guess and they needed to go put a sticker on it? So me and Jeremy start walking towards the security for this place, but we have to go all the way across the building for it. At one point we start to walk by a guy in a YouTube shirt and Jeremy goes "Watch this" and shouts "Hi I'm Jeremy Dooley!" And the guy just stares at him blankly. And I guess I have a YouTube channel, because I give him my username for it and he just nods at me. But then he does a doubke take and just stares at me and goes, "You were on Miles Luna's livestream!" And internally I was like "knew it" because appearantly we all knew it would be known as that even tho Miles wasn't on the livestream at all?? And I was like "yeah I am" as a passed him. But the dude followed us and was like "Are you dating him?" And I was like "No" and somehow I knew he would ask me out. Then the dude took of his shirt and said "Wanna date me?" And I was like "No thanks" and he was all "But why?" But then we were at the security gate so he left. There was a little old lady in front of us, and after giving her name to the agent he asked her what she did, who she was going to see, and a few other questions I couldn't hear and then told her she had to step aside and go to another desk. As this is happening, another security gaurd clears Jeremy. I get the security gaurd that just sent the old lady to the waitint room and now I'm not so sure I'll be fine because that old lady looked white af. So he takes my name and asks me how my day is and I say great and then he asks me if I like Harry Potter and I'm like "I love it! Its my favorite series" and he smiles at me and says that's nice and for a second I think he'll let me pass.....and then he sends me off to the side, to the same desk as rhe little old lady and I'm like shit. So I tell Jeremy I'll catch up to him. At this point I think its a good thing we showed uo three hours early. So I go to the desk and the guy there calls me something completely different, so I correct him, and then he's like "Okay i think I may see you here but we have to check a few things" and sends me to the side room, which is up some escalators that go down instead of up. The little old lady is at the escalators and she's bitching about how she's too old for this but goes up there anyway. Once we're in the room we're told to take off our shoes and put on provided slippers for some reason. The room is PACKED for some reason. I'm confused because it seems to be a very mixed group, until I hear someone talking about hiw J.K. Rowling is doing an event in North Korea a few hours after the flight lands and everyone flying out of the U.S. for past events similar to it have had the same issues and some even missed their flights. And I realize they're not just targetting POC but Harry Potter fans too for some reason, and I got caught up in it because I got my ticket last minute.

So I sit there for a bit, fuming because its bullshit. Then I decide to act like my name is called, and I go down the escalator and manage to get past the ticket gate cuz the room is behind the security check but there's no gaurds outside it. I go to one of those moving floor things, thinking it will take me to my gate, but there's like three of them and they're all color coded. Turns out there actually for baggage and halfway though it I realize this and try to get off, but then a different gaurd spots me doing this. I tell the gaurd this is my first time at this airport and he explains to me what luggage each belt is supposed to be for. So I leave my bag and jacket on the belts, and he leads me to a different belt. He explains to me that this is for travellers and it will incase me in a protective 'film' for travelling but there's no one else there, just these weird circular things going on these belts and encasing them in what looks like plastic, and I turned to him and go "what the hell??" And he just looks at me and is like "What do you think that is?" And I say "I think its a vacuum plastic machine and you're trying to kill me!" And he's all "I know you didn't pass the security check" and starts on the rant about people like me who break the rules result in people being fired, and he knows Trumps regulations are bullshit but its still not fair for me to do this, so I deserve to die. At this point a different gaurd appears with a piece of paper. The gaurd I'm talking to looks at it, pales, and stammers out an apology to me and says I can go, but I have to go to a specific restaurant in the food court first to talk to some doctor. And I'm like fine, I still have 2 hours till my flight anyway.

But as I'm heading out I hear the security gaurd ask the second gaurd how long I have left, and the second gaurd say "We really don't know" and now I'm creeped out but I hope it has something to do with my anaemia and its nothing series. So I show up at the food court and spot the doctor, and as I approach him he seems very upset so I'm like "what's wrong?" And he says "I lost my 50th gold coin! That was the last coin I needed for the collection and I lost it!" And somehow I know the airport is doing a thing where if you collect like 100 gold coins scattered around the airpirt you get a prize. And I'm thinking this doctor is too old for this, and go to sit down. But as I do I spit a gold coin with the number 50 on it. So I pick it up and say to the doctor "Here, I think this is yours" and he takes it from me and suddenly theres fireworks and confetti everywhere as he celebrates. Then the dream ends.

Still don't know what I was dying from. Also didn't even get to see dream-Korea.

[lachalaine]

💕 I CANT HELP BUT SEND THIS KIND OF STUFF SORRY!!!!

ship opinion // jackie & jamie

honestly if you hadn’t sent it to me i would have been heartbroken ALWAYS SEND THE THING OKIE PLS THANK U !!! 

and aaah let me start this off with I LOVE THEM, and let you know that i really didn’t expect jackie to get a crush on jamie at all, in all hecking honesty. i legitimately thought he was stuck in the ‘younger brother’ zonepermanently; a lot of the reason because i had noticed a sort of trend in thekind of guys she has a tendency to fall for, and jamie seemed to be verydifferent from her usual – type, iguess you could say. so it was honestly the most surprising thing in a reallygood way, because i could literally feel the slow stirrings of attraction in her, and by that point she was already so comfortable with him that she wasn’t on edge about it. but of course icouldn’t be certain because she’s also —- hecking indecisive as fuck. and then wedid that thing !!!! where she had to choose if he was family or if she wanted to kisshim and then it dghwudhuwhduha and now here we are !!!

so obviously, my opinion of it is that it’s honest to godthe cutest potential ship i’ve ever had the pleasure to write her in, becauseit’s just ??? so sweet ?? the sense of connection they have is filled with somuch warmth when she thinks of him, like he’s a literal beacon of light thathelps guide her home when she gets lost. there’s that sense of —- i wouldn’tsay dependency because she hates to depend on anyone, and yetwith jamie, she’s come to do it without necessarily realizing it – and even ifshe had, she wouldn’t mind it as much as she would usually ?? his loyalty toher is unmatched in every way, to be quite frank – and that’s not something shetakes lightly. i think it comforts her somewhat, to know that he’s been withher through a lot of her shit, but hasn’t abandoned her as of yet. and he’scome to be dependable enough that she doesn’t question that he might? rather—

it terrifies her that he will stay loyal to her, and that’sa bigger problem in itself.

personally, i really do love them together and i want themto be happy and for things to go over smoothly because he’s so good for her.when she thinks of warmth, jamie is the first person to come to mind andconsidering she feels very detached a lot of the time to the point that itfeels like cold seeps through her skin, that’s something she doesn’t take forgranted in the least. but then i also know that she’s got a maelstrom ofdarkness still caged up inside her, so i worry that when that finally tips out– she will hurt jamie.

she will hurt him very badly, and she might not mean to butself-control isn’t exactly her forte. i personally worry that she’s not goodfor jamie, and that jamie won’t recognize that because his loyalty to hertrumps everything. she and i honestly are both concerned that she’ll drain him enoughto just leave him an empty shell. and i feel like that’s possibly what’sstopping her from progressing her anymore in the relationship with him, becauseeven if she teases him and all that – she’s terrified to step over the verythin line that she fears would lead him to ruin. and i mean ?? i know you saidthat she won’t ruin him because that isn’t her intention but —

the road to hell is paved with good intentions all the same. and legit, i seesomething possibly happening in the future that could potentially… showcase tojamie exactly the kind of person it is that’s hiding under that smile of hers.like. if something were to ever happen to him, he’d see her for the monsterthat she could be, and no doubt that’ll be the end of it. because there’s nodoubt that she’s hiding a really big part of herself from him, and even if heasks – she’s too terrified to tell him. until the last possible second. untilsomething goes wrong and she can’t hide it. she just has to look at him and seethe disgust in his eyes and realize she’s ruined what emanating light he’d hadwithin him because she’d sapped it all out of him.

and that’s something i know that is very possible, and ifeel like if she can get past it and just tell him why she’s so broken –perhaps she can at least save their friendship, before she pulls him intoanything more serious than that and potentially ruins him for good. but i alsoknow she’s far too terrified for that, so she’ll keep mum about it for as longas she can. and then —

possibly run away from him. like. pack up and leave andapologize for ever entering his life because she hadn’t meant for things to goas far as they had, really.

she’d really just wanted a friend.

but she’s not the kind of friend that’s good for him, andespecially not the kind of girlfriendthat would be good for him, so she’ll do what’s best – because leaving hasalways been the kind of thing she’s been good at. she’d just wished it didn’thave to come to that with him. and it honestly breaks my heart because — ifeel like he’s taught her so much, to be honest. he’s taught her how to trustpeople again, how to let them in just enough. he’s taught her not to flinch somuch and be so scared of human connections, he’s taught her patience and how toenjoy the peaceful moments (for a time being at least hahah) for what they are,and he’s taught her that she’s still – good the way she is. handful and loudand passionate and reckless – that it’s not… it’s not too much to handle, inthe way that it would drive someone away. god knows she’s given him so manymoments to do so, and yet he’s still stayed – so either he’s crazy or maybeshe’s just… not such a bad person after all.

and so how i feel about this is – conflicted, i guess.because i love them together. i love them so much, and he’s so good to her andso good for her and he makes her feel a little more whole when they’re togetherand i will always, always scream to the heavens for jamie being able to givethat to her !! she always comes away from him feeling so light and airy thatshe can’t help but feel like she’s floating on a cloud. especially when shegets into random adventures with him and otherwise gets him flustered aroundher hahah !! i love their warmth and their obvious care for each other when they’re together. but i’m also honestly really scared because i know that a storm isdue to arrive eventually and all this happiness might not make it through that,and it’s gonna leave quite a bit of wreckage in its wake when it does.

i’m also particularly terrified for if she realizes his feelingsfor her and she’s not ready to admit to them like……. oh shit. the whole loyaltything ??? because he wants to remain her friend even if she doesn’t fall forhim ?? jamie is she worth that pain ??? like is she worth the heartache i don’t??? i don’t know ??? i don’t want him to go through that kind of pain, i reallydon’t. but i can’t tell with her and i’m hoping so much that it doesn’t gothrough the bad path but i’m – honestly i have no damn clue dbhashdbhsab

i just hope she figures out how to take a chance on him before it’s too late.

// @valorandheart

[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary

new analysis

by Christopher Smart

April 21, 2020

TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR TAXPAYERS TO SAVE FAT CATS

Waiting for financial relief? Don't hold you're breath. Although Congress did pass the “Coronavirus Aid, Relief and Economic Security Act” (CARES), the legislation that was trumpeted as helping working families and small business, millions of people are still waiting for their checks. And don't look now but buried in that same bill is a huge benefit for wealthy business owners — tax relief of about $1.6 million to each of some 43,000 millionaires, who are too rich to get coronavirus stimulus checks. That's more than $70 billion. “It’s a scandal for Republicans to loot American taxpayers in the midst of an economic and human tragedy,” said Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, Democrat of Rhoade Island. It gets better. Just hours after the Department of Labor announced another five million Americans lost their jobs last week, the fund to keep small businesses afloat had already run out of money because — you guessed it — the big boys got there first. The systems for giving money to individuals and small businesses have huge gaps, said Amanda Fischer of the Washington Center for Equitable Growth, in one of the biggest understatements of our time. “Yet it’s those same individual workers and small businesses that actually make our economy work,” she said. God bless America and keep voting Republican.

OPEN THE DAMN COUNTRY UP, YOU WHIMPS

Coronavirus is not that dangerous and damn it, let's open this economy up. We're tired of this lock-down stuff. And the economy is tanking. Listen to this: the regular old flu kills up to 60,000 a year. Car accidents kill about 40,000 people a year. And gun deaths are about 40,000, too. Shit happens. People die. But we got to get back to work, back to the beach, back to the bar, and back to the ballpark. And most important, Trump has to get reelected. Between March 19 and April 18 only 37,087 died of coronavirus in this country (perhaps more who didn't make it to the hospital). At that rate, it would only be 440,000 deaths this year. And just because over 600 employees at a South Dakota meat packing plant all got coronavirus in a matter of  a couple of weeks is no big deal. Sure, the virus spreads like wildfire but why should that stop Trump supporters and real Americans from going to church or the shooting range. Don't listen to Dr. Fauci, the expert epidemiologist who studies the spread of disease. Let's go with Dr. Phil, instead. He is a psychologist and can read cue cards quite well on TV. And Dr. Phil says, fuck it, get out there and live until you croak. Sure, you could bring the bug home to love ones and spread it to your friends, so their families can get it, too. But freedom means we can do whatever we want, no matter who it hurts.

COX AND HUNTSMAN PARROT TRUMP'S ECONOMIC BS

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's got the most beautiful economic genius of them all. Sorry Donald, it ain't you. Every one of the six Republicans running for governor of Utah support Trump. The leaders of the pack, Spencer Cox and Jon Huntsman, recently explained that although Trump's moral compass is off, he's marshaled the best economy since who knows when. Hold your water, boys, you've fallen prey to Trump's rhetoric (That's the polite word for bullshit). They should know the numbers don't back him up. Trump's pre-coronavirus economy is pretty much the same as the one he inherited. When Obama took office the economy was in the depths of the Great Recession. But from 2014-2016 real GDP grew by 2.5 percent. From 2017-2019, under Trump, it grew by 2.6 percent. But as Brad Barth points out in The Salt Lake Tribune, under Trump the economy grew while the deficit rose by 68 percent, thanks in part to the $1.5 trillion tax cuts. At the same time, Trump rolled back some 58 environmental regulations on clean air, clean water and toxic substances. But even with all that, business investment turned negative for the last three quarters of 2019. Are Cox and Huntsman really that gullible, or are they playing politics at a time when we are dying for integrity. Either way, we lose.

CABIN FEVER TAKES A TOLL

After four or five weeks stuck at home, we've all gotten pretty casual and a little crazy. We're wearing jammies all day and eating Pop Tarts with Bud Light. Some haven't combed their hair or used deodorant since March 18. Wilson and the band call it Corona Crazy. That's apparently why the police department in Taneytown, Md. put out a warning to residents: “Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know who you are.” Of course, Taneytown doesn't have the corner on Corona Crazy. A woman in Murray reported that her neighbors leave the drapes wide open and the stereo blasting as they reenact “Jesus Christ Super Star” in nothing but Speedos and pasties. And a guy from South Ogden sent an email with an attachment showing how he, his roommates and their girlfriends celebrated Burning Man in their backyard with the aid of some mood enhancers. It turned out to be a bummer when the fire department arrived with a pumper truck. Apparently, there is a city ordinance against that. Who knew? Here at Smart Bomb, our psych department isn't much help, either. They recommend long baths with lots of children's floatable toys. For more information on wasting time, call the Utah Legislature at 801-538-1035.

Post script — Well that does it for another week In The Time of Covid, where you may have realized that working until 65 isn't all that bad. What the future holds is anything but certain. This country survived and thrived after the double-whammy of the Great Depression and World War II. Not so after the the First World War that ended about the time the Spanish Flu was ravaging the country. The U.S. death toll from that pandemic was about 675,000, more than five times the number of Americans who died in the war. Returning soldiers and sailors didn't have much to look forward to as the economy slipped into the depression of 1920-'21. We learned some hard lessons and when World War II ended our returning military men and women got help with college and mortgages. The huge federal government investments we made between 1935 and 1945 yielded the largest middle class in this nation's history. The country had gone deep into the red during that period but it yielded a workforce and economy that paid back the debt and went on to put us on a road to prosperity like we'd never seen. This, of course, flies in the face of Republican conservatism that disdains government programs and investment. They loathed FDR. But since Ronald Reagan workers have steadily lost ground and the middle class is shrinking. There are now at least 26 million Americans out of work. Once the coronavirus is contained we will face a long economic recovery that will take years. Will we remember the painful lessons of the last century or carry on as we did after the 2008 financial meltdown, where middle- and low-income workers never fully recovered. How much pain will it take for Congress to rise to the occasion is anyone's guess. We know Trump can't.

OK, Wilson, what do you and the guys have in your bag of tricks to help get us through this nightmare:

If you hear the song I sing / You will understand You hold the key to love and fear / All in your trembling hand Just one key unlocks them both / It's there at your command Come on, people now / Smile on your brother Everybody get together / Try to love one another right now...

(Jesse Colin Young and The Young Bloods, Get Together)

Addendum: During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source Salt Lake City Weekly at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

[lifeonashelf]

CINDERELLA

It is one a.m. A massive explosion has just ignited mere yards from my apartment. Thunderous, powerful, disturbing. The sonic shockwave of the blast pierces my ears, rattles my windows, makes my balcony physically shudder beneath my feet. Off in the distance, I hear a cannonade, seemingly endless sonorous reports at various sites on the horizon. Mingling with these, there is also an inharmonious descant of smaller discharges, sustained staccato pops that ring out in the night like the deadly buzzing of machine guns. The sky is full of shrapnel that has been launched into the air, and my rudimentary understanding of physics tells me that what goes up must surely come down somewhere. I am not a praying man, but I nevertheless conjure a silent thought in my head and do my best to beam it into the universe, hoping that none of this fiery flak touches down on my roof to trigger a conflagration. Long moments pass and the discordant, jarring cacophony does not abate—more explosions, more gunfire salvos. Another hugely loud boom rings out, this one the closest yet, so close that I can see the light of its discharge dancing on the side of the building across from mine. It sounds as if I am sitting in the epicenter of a warzone. It sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like the end of the fucking world.

It’s not the end of the world, though. It is the 4th Of July. Which naturally means that all throughout my neighborhood, packs of heavily-intoxicated alpha males are “celebrating” how awesome our country is, in the most traditionally American way possible: by detonating a shitload of cheap and dangerous explosives made in Mexico.

And that’s not even the ironic part. The really ironic part is that these discourteous douchebags are commemorating the day our ancestors declared independence from a tyrannical king and the imposition of Christian doctrine, in 2018—a year in which we are presently ruled by a tyrant who is actively striving to expunge every safeguard that will prohibit him from occupying his dominion for life, and a cadre of puritanical legislators who are actively rewriting our laws in accordance with their selective interpretations of Christian doctrine.

Of course, like our forefathers, we are taking bold and decisive action against despotism. We’re posting memes on Facebook like crazy, for one, a strategy which I imagine will eventually get a whole lot of stuff accomplished. We’re also rising up and marching, showing solidarity, letting our fascist-in-chief know we won’t stand idle while women and people of color are being treated as marginal citizens and children who come to this country seeking asylum are being detained in concentration camps. And since July 4 is the linchpin of our freedom, the one day which all of us have agreed upon as an occasion to unite as a nation and show the world, and each other, what America really stands for… Well, it stands to reason that in this critical annum of 2018, while our noble democratic experiment is enmeshed in the most dire jeopardy it has ever faced, we are presented with a golden opportunity to make our grandest statement yet, to stand in defiance of the current status quo and announce to those who seek to subjugate us that we are not credulous automatons who will simply lay down and allow ourselves to be crushed under the wheels of the machine. This year, truly—as Bill Pullman said in that movie where Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum beat up a bunch of aliens—we celebrate our Independence Day…

Nah, not so much. We were too busy attending barbecues and having parades and drinking beer and blowing shit up today. But in our defense—from the sound of things outside my apartment—we bought waaaaaaaaay more Mexican-made explosives than ever this year.  

This is ‘Murica. And right now, America sucks.

Given the statements I made in my introductory paragraphs, it probably won’t surprise you that I’m not particularly fond of fireworks. And given the statement that comprised the last paragraph, it probably won’t surprise you that I��m not particularly fond of America these days, either. (I do love that the principles of this land still allow me the freedom to type the words “America sucks”—although, if the bridge-troll in charge at the moment has anything to say about it, that probably won’t be the case for long). There are those who will read my proclamation and issue some sort of gut-check response like, “if you don’t love America, then git the hell out.” To which I say: 1) fuck you, because that brand of idiotic nationalistic rhetoric is precisely why we’re in this mess to begin with, and 2) if you honestly can’t comprehend how someone who has lived in this country for the past forty years could find so much to loathe about its contemporary state of affairs that they would profess to loathe the nation’s prevailing identity as a whole, then I would strongly recommend opening your eyes to what’s crashing down around you because your willful ignorance of just how fucked this place is right now is a far bigger concern than anything I could possibly write.

Then I would ask you a question: Why are you still so stoked about America? Okay, two questions: Is your ardor based on any measured assessment of what this country stands for now, or are you simply rah-rah-ing the home-team? Most of my educated acquaintances would likely answer with some variation of the standard “it may not be perfect, but it’s still the best nation in the world” reply. Which is a perfectly acceptable response… Except it’s simply not fucking true. Because America is not the best at anything anymore. We lead the globe in mass shootings and shitty hip-hop artists with face tattoos, and that’s about it.

So under what criteria is America “the best”? I’m not posing that question in the spirit of communism, I’m posing it in the spirit of pragmatism. Because, lord knows, I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. But it’s goddamn difficult not to when every single day I see more and more increasingly abhorrent events unfolding on the news, I see a vile cackling shithead mocking all of us from his ivory throne while he assaults every trace of common decency we had left just like he has assaulted women his entire life, and I don’t see a single ray of light on the horizon. My heart isn’t broken, it hasn’t stopped beating, it has simply filled to the brim with disgust—viscous, black, oozing, poisonous disgust. And I am drowning in it. I am disgusted by Donald Trump. I am disgusted by every single person who voted for Donald Trump. I am disgusted by every single corrupt sycophant in his party who facilitates his evil machinations. I am disgusted by every single person I see wearing t-shirts with images of AR-15’s emblazoned on them. I am disgusted by every single asshole who is still exploding M-100’s in my neighborhood even though it is now 3 a.m. And while there is plenty of overlap in each of those categories, if you added up all of those people, they comprise about half the voting population of The United States. We’ve already discussed how much I despise math, but even with my limited grasp of arithmetic, this seems to suggest that roughly 50% of Americans are abominable, racist, ignorant, and/or fundamentally stupid. So, I return to an expanded version of the question at the top of this paragraph: How can any country where this is the case possibly be “the best”?

Make no mistake, Donald Trump did not create our present debacle. Sure, he’s the pus-dribbling herpe at the tip of this diseased penis, so it’s easy to erroneously label him the culprit. But no matter what medicine you apply to that sore, the virus remains. People voted for him. LOTS of people. Lots of Americans. If any evidence was required to demonstrate that our democratic structure has massive systemic problems, there you have it. I understand that we as a nation aren’t necessarily defined by our President, who merely serves as a temporary figurehead—even if this particular figurehead embodies the most horrific symbol imaginable of our national paradigm: an uneducated jingoistic criminal buffoon with no respect for anybody; Donald Trump represents the espoused virtues of America about as well as Jaws represents the gentleness of marine life. However, let me repeat: he is the President because millions of Americans voted for him. And they did so despite the fact that his being an uneducated jingoistic criminal buffoon with no respect for anybody was not only common knowledge but something he openly boasted about. So, not to belabor a point, but this alleged “greatest country in the world” is comprised of millions and millions of individuals who think these are desirable qualities for the person who controls the largest stockpile of nuclear weapons on the planet to have. This alleged “greatest country in world” is also home to multitudes of people who have indicated they would vote for Kanye West if that megalomaniacal psychopath ran for President. Clearly, the masses who ultimately chart the course of this nation are not intelligent enough to make any decision with such weighty consequences. And this is why we can’t have nice things.

Yet so many among us still cling to time-honored fallacies about our superiority. To them, America is like The Beatles—unassailable, immune to criticism. To them, it’s just blindly accepted that America is the world’s zenith. So pass the fireworks and don’t tread on me, motherfucker.

And maybe that’s a big part of the problem. Maybe too many of us have been impetuously clinging to this tarnished ideal, clutching our flags to our proud red-white-and-blue bleeding hearts, oblivious to the feces smeared all over the fabric. We still think we’re Let It Be, even though the music we’re making these days sounds a lot more like Ringo Starr’s solo albums. So maybe, just maybe, it’s time to accept the sad reality that our magic moment has passed, that Yoko has sapped the soul of our foundation and torn us apart from within. Then maybe we’ll start caring enough to actually fucking do something about it.

Hey, the dudes up the street are. Two more roaring explosions just resounded across the blue-black firmament. It is 4:14 a.m. It’s never too late to celebrate America, apparently.

But this isn’t what you want to read about right now, is it? I suppose you saw the header of this piece and assumed I was going to write some eloquent, reflective treatise about the band Cinderella. Well, I cannot. And it’s not just because despite my overly generous appreciation for the hairspray hard-rock of my youth, Cinderella’s limited charms place them in the bottom tier of those outfits. Even their very best song, “Nobody’s Fool”, exists squarely in the middle of the road—it’s neither great nor awful, it’s just sort of… there. Tom Keifer does a decent impression of AC/DC’s Brian Johnson, and the Night Songs disc I’m listening to right now is enjoyable enough for me to accede that Cinderella was probably a better band than Bang Tango, but those merits are woefully inadequate to justify my writing anything of substance about them.

And even worse: I can’t write anything of substance about our country’s dismal state of affairs, either.  I have no solutions to offer, no wisdom to impart. I am merely a broken man sitting at his laptop trying to make sense of the madness suffusing the world around him. And here’s the worst part of the even worse part: all of it, every insane and malevolent thing that is happening to us right now, makes absolute sense to me. I told everyone close to me that Donald Trump was going to win this past election as soon as he announced his candidacy, a prediction which was roundly scoffed at by the smartest people I know. Being right doesn’t make me a soothsayer or a political genius, it simply makes me an overanxious pessimist who has been gauging the very worst in humanity long enough to assume that the very worst thing which can happen in any situation where humanity is involved is more likely than not the thing that is going to happen. Therefore, it was only natural for me to assume that Trump was going to happen.

Whether we like it or not—and this is the thing we’re going to have to accept about the modern American identity if we ever want to make the situation any better—the ethos of Donald Trump’s reality-show sensationalism epitomizes more Americans than the ethos of an arrogant professional shrew in a pant-suit does. The reasons I voted for Hillary Clinton had nothing to do with her dogma speaking to me and touching my soul and igniting a spark of patriotism in my heart—no, those were the reasons I voted for Barack Obama twice. I actively revile Hillary Clinton; I just revile her a whole lot less than I revile Donald Trump. I wasn’t With Her, I was merely Against Him. And I was not alone in this perspective. And I think this is rather emblematic of the broad-spectrum mediocrity and complacency which is inherent in present-day America: legions of the best among us were willing to embrace a patently unexceptional figurehead simply because she wasn’t as bad as the alternative. We didn’t demand the best possible representative of our values, we were prepared to settle for someone who obfuscated her shadiest tenets instead of flaunting them as selling points like her opponent did. “Good enough” was good enough for us. But being a better candidate than some of the truly abhorrent alternatives did not make Hillary Clinton the best candidate. Any more than being a better republic than some of the truly abhorrent alternatives makes America the best country.

No, I am not especially proud to be an American. Especially not at the moment. Why should I be? My nationality is not a product of any extraordinary accomplishment on my part, it is a product of my being lucky enough to be sired by parents whose ancestors managed to slip across the border before ICE existed. I’m certainly not saying I hate America—it’s where I live, it’s where my friends and family live, and it’s where my record collection lives; it has some appealing qualities. Yet espousing our nation’s superiority while disregarding its numerous and glaring failings is a lot like rooting for the New England Patriots despite their legacy of cheating and dishonor because they win more games than they lose. Donald Trump didn’t invent corruption and atrocity; America has a long history of both, one which we conveniently discount while championing its greatness. But here’s the thing there: we treat those unpleasant facets of our bygone chronicle as if they are challenges we have overcome, as if we have somehow evolved past them. Yet, if there’s any salient wisdom to be gleaned from the events of the past two years, it is that we as a society have not actually progressed as much as we claim. How dare we assert our enlightenment when we still live in a land where a man can rape an unconscious woman with a foreign object in an alleyway and be virtually immune to punishment because his white scholar-athlete eminence is hoisted as an exemplar of the American ideal. How dare we claim to be the best at anything when first-world nations around the globe continue eclipsing our finest accomplishments while we’re busy playing Democrats vs. Republicans, battling each other like boorish Neanderthal contestants on the same sort of trash television programs which launched our current President to notoriety.

Trump’s ascendency has legitimized his most repugnant traits and demonstrated that there is a vast and ravenous fan-base for cruelty among our populace. It has proven this country is laden with people devoid of empathy, callous budding sociopaths who were just waiting for someone to come along and tell them that their deep-seeded bigotries and intolerances are venerable assets. Which is why simply removing one fiend from office will not be enough to pull us out of our extant quagmire. That resolution will be like remedying our slit throats with kisses from our mamas—it may feel good for a moment, but it will not suture our wounds. Because America has been hemorrhaging for a very long time and we have chosen to ignore that. Donald Trump merely rubbed that blood over all of our faces for the world to see.  

If you’re proud to be an American, that’s just fine. But what are you so proud of right now? It seems to me that anyone who truly loves this country should want it to be the very best it can be. And it seems to me that the first step toward achieving that is acknowledging that the American essence needed drastic and sweeping improvements well before Der Fuhrer took office. It’s time for us to admit that we are not the greatest country in the world; such a contention only rings as superciliousness at this juncture, in light of the all the evidence to the contrary. Because as long as a maestro with absolutely zero redeeming qualities is orchestrating our symphony, we need to account for the pandemic narrowness among the citizenry who handed him the baton. The time has come to concede that a body riddled with cancerous cells cannot possibly be the healthiest. And to ask ourselves what redeeming qualities we have left—what can we possibly stand for—when enough of us decided that an unprincipled monster represented our nation’s spirit to put one at the helm. Then, and only then, can we begin to cure our sickness.

Okay, here’s how we fix everything…

Nope. I told you, I have no answers for you. Because a large and terrified part of me suspects we may have already cued the band to play our funeral march the moment that diminutive orange hand touched a Bible and sealed the oath that made him the global symbol of what America represents in 2018. And this absolutely fucking devastates me. I may not adore this country at present, but of course I want to it to survive. Because if it does, maybe there’s a chance we can eventually make it the greatest country in the world for real.

For now, everyone I know is resolving to hold on tightly to the masts until the storm passes and the great vessel stops listing. Regrettably, I think there’s a very strong chance our ship will sink before that happens. Regrettably, perhaps it already has. I’m not sure there’s any coming back from the path we’re on now, if this much damage can ever be undone. I’d love to say I’m hopeful, but most of my “Hope” went away when the singularly kind and inspiring man who delivered that slogan did.

That’s why I wasn’t out watching others wave sulphuric pom-poms in the sky to rejoice in the majesty of America tonight. I was huddled inside my apartment, seeking shelter from the onslaught, listening to the terrible sounds of the world exploding around me and knowing I was utterly powerless to stop it, desperately wishing the trauma would end and hoping that when the new dawn finally came my home would not lie in ruins.

After all, it’s 2018. That was the most appropriate American experience I could think of.  

 July 4, 2018  

[flawedinthefantasy]

so last night was my date with L. and it was...bittersweet, i guess.

in the morning i got my hair braided. i’m still struggling with insomnia so i only got a few hours of sleep the night before and was dozing off in the chair. afterwards, i wanted to take a quick nap before driving to the train station because i didn’t wanna drive when i was so sleepy. before going to sleep, he texted saying that he didn’t feel like going to a jazz club and we should just do dinner. i woke up like 20 mins before i wanted to set out and i was irritated because i’d already packed my bag and had my dress and heels and everything ready to go. i quickly chose a backup outfit and tried it on, which made me late for the train. i literally got there as it was leaving and i wasn’t happy. 

fast forward, i get to my hotel with about 45 minutes to spare and i still have to shower and put on makeup. i did all of that and honestly looked really great, i’m somewhat confident in my makeup skills now lol. i was about 10 mins late and had every intention of being a bit bitchy but as soon as i saw him, i could feel my whole face lighting up. he’s been working out and was noticeably buffer than he was in January. he’d just gotten a haircut and he looked so good. the shirt i was wearing is pink and white striped and he joked about me wearing pajamas. 

the restaurant was cool and dark, just how i like it. i got myself a drink and we sat at our table and started talking. we talked about work, he asked me about school and i mentioned having a few breakdowns since i’d seen him in january. he asked me about mental health and we talked about that a little bit. we ordered our food (really good Peruvian food btw) and he said that i only ate half of my food last time so i need to eat this time. i was touched that he remembered and laughed my ass off because little does he know that i eat like a fucking horse haha. 

anyway our convo flowed easily, he told me about work and we talked about where we were when Trump was elected, etc. all night, we kept making eye contact that was really charged. the chemistry was just insane. then the convo took a more serious turn. we were talking about how hard med school is (his older sister is a doctor) and he starts telling me about how tough it can be working on wall street. and how his friend from college is a father and husband now and he lives in the suburbs. he goes “my friend has someone calling him Daddy and it’s so crazy to me”, in this wistful voice. he then goes on to say that he wonders if that kind of life would be possible for him one day and that the way his life is right now, that can’t happen. and i was a little perplexed because as far as i knew, he didn’t even want those things. i asked him if he’d be happy living that kind of life and he said he would. that living in the city and making all of this money seems awesome but he works so hard all the time. that he’d worked from 6am to 2am on thursday and was back to work at 6am on friday. and i was like ????

i said that we didn’t have to get together and he said that he wanted to see me and that if he hadn’t, he would have cancelled. but he’s been going through a lot lately and he’s using this weekend for some R&R. he then tells me about how he and his older sister have no student debt because they both had full rides. and while his parents aren’t well off, his younger sister attends an ivy league school that only gives full rides to students whose parents make below a certain cutoff and his parents are just above that cutoff. so he pays his younger sister’s tuition!!! he told me the amount and my jaw dropped. i was like bullshit and he took his phone to show me. i told him, it was okay and i believed him because i honestly didn’t want to see that. he said that he’s in a position to help and he doesn’t want his sister to have to worry about student loans but that’s only possible because of his job. so that life of living in the suburbs with a wife and kid can’t happen because he’s providing for his family. i was like O_O.

then he goes on to say that for those who want to “get their name known” in the field, they have to work overseas. for him that would mean hong kong or singapore. i was like UHH WHAT? i asked when they would be happening and he said that if he didn’t push back, maybe 2-3 years; if he did push back, maybe 5-7. the alternative would be moving to a different investment bank. my head was reeling tbh. 

he also told me about how there’s no one on his trading floor who’s below 30 and married. how his boss is 45 dating a 27 year old and has no friends his own age. how one of the senior guys wakes up every morning at 5am and has no issue staying until 1am so sometimes he sees his wife and kids 2-3 times per week. then he says that it’s not fair to ask a spouse to accept that type of lifestyle. 

so as he’s saying all of this stuff, he’s making this really intense eye contact and watching all of my mannerisms. i have a really expressive face so it’s easy to see when i’m upset. it seemed that he was trying to explain why we can’t have a relationship. i remember him saying “there’s just not enough time”. as he was talking, i was just looking at him and in those moments, i felt so connected to him. like i could easily fall in love with him. part of me is actually in love with him but i’m just trying to ignore that. he was sharing parts of himself with me and it just didn’t feel like enough. i wanted to know everything. i could feel him restraining himself and he did seem quite sad. as the night wrapped up, he apologized multiple times for not taking me anywhere else. he said that it’d been such a long week, he’s using this weekend for some R&R and after our dinner, he was gonna go home and read a book and call his family. he then asks me for my opinion on mental health again and what i do when things aren’t going well. i asked him what was going on and he kinda shied away from answering. i told him that i journal and i’ve been in therapy on and off since college. i didn’t feel the least bit shy sharing that with him and he took it well. 

SO. the check comes and he says we should split it. and i was like WHAT. even though my food cost more than his and i had 2 drinks, i’ve never split the check with him. and i was kinda flabbergasted that he even asked. he has the money above and beyond so it’s not about that, it’s about him wanting to reinforce the fact that we’re platonic friends and nothing more. i didn’t put up much of a fight but i told him that i was irate with him. he seemed remorseful and said he’d take care of the tip but i said it didn’t matter. i didn’t like the fact that he split the check but i think he wanted that reminder for himself that we’re just platonic. obviously, i was really not pleased with that. like..at all. 

we walked back outside in silence and before parting ways, he looked at me and repeated that it was really great to see me and he apologized again for being in a bad headspace. he almost whispered that he might go up to boston today to see his sister so idk if it’s her having the breakdown or what. as he was talking, he was so close to me and i wanted so badly to kiss him and wrap my arms around him. i wanted to tell him not to leave and just be with me. but i didn’t do anything of that. i told him that he could talk to me and he said he wasn’t comfortable with that but maybe one day. he gave me a hug and left. 

so. after talking to my best friend and thinking about it all last night and this morning/afternoon, i believe that L does like me as much as i like him. but his life is just not set up to have a partner right now. before we got brunch in january, i thought he didn’t like me or wasn’t attracted to me and that’s why he wanted to be platonic friends. but that’s not the case. last night he told me repeatedly that he liked my outfit. when he was apologizing for not taking me anywhere else, he was telling me about nearby bars i could go to and i was like wtf boy i’m not going out alone. and he looked at me and said that he knew for certain that guys would be buying me drinks all night. he stared at me all night..i know when a man is attracted to me and i know that i looked good. i showed him pictures of my parents and he remembered the picture i’d showed him almost 3 YEARS AGO of them on their anniversary standing in front of our house. so i don’t think he doesn’t give a shit about me. i’m skeptical and suspicious of men but i do believe he was telling me the truth.

even still, it does hurt. i like this amazing, intelligent, sexy, generous, hardworking guy and he actually likes me back and we have chemistry but we can’t be together for very valid reasons. because he’s right. i’m the type of chick who needs constant communication and consistency. and he just can’t give me that. part of me is still holding out hope, i won’t lie about that. on my way back from the city, i was literally surrounded by couples. and i just thought why can’t i have that? why does it always have to be a struggle? why the fuck can’t i just have what i want for once? 

idk the answer to those questions. and i still have to tackle my exams so i can’t exactly devote a lot of time to thinking about this. idk if i’ll even see him again because what would be the point? it’d be like dangling delicious food over a person who can’t eat. i’ve never felt longing this way. 

[rockrevoltmagazine]

INTERVIEW: Pat Thetic, Anti-Flag

Anti-Flag

Punk rock icons, Anti-Flag, have been bringing their Silence Equals Violence Tour from one coast to the other for the last month or so, and if you haven’t gotten to a show, you need to! On the road with Sharptooth, The White Noise, and Stray From the Path, along with organizations with missions that align with their own passions, Anti-Flag is proving a concert can be about more than the music. It’s a community thing, and their shows provide that experience each night. 

We had a chance to chat with Anti-Flag’s drummer, Pat Thetic. With topics ranging from human rights to drum gear to haberdashery, there really wasn’t much we didn’t cover. We hope you enjoy this lively conversation with one of the most down-to-earth and humble folks out in the scene today. 

So, first of all, thank you so much for everything. I’ve been a fan of you guys for, like, a thousand years. So to be able to talk to you is, like, awesome.  So the tour is the Silence Equals Violence Tour, and that’s a pretty bold name — which doesn’t surprise me, knowing you guys. Tell me more about the organizations that you’re partnering with to make sure this tour fits, like, every facet of that title.

Well, so, we have Amnesty International out, we have PETA out, we have Voices for the Innocent out, we have Love, Hope, Strength. Voices for the Innocent is a sexual violence organization that helps support people who have suffered sexual violence. PETA is obviously an animal rights organization. Amnesty International is a civil and human rights organization, and then Love, Hope, Strength is a bone marrow registry that helps people with blood cancers and blood diseases get matches with people who have the cells in their body who can help them fight these diseases.

That’s incredible. That is awesome.

So, yeah, so they’re all here tabling and getting people the information. Rock and roll is important — and it’s a very important thing — but there are other things in life that are important as well, and hopefully we can bring those two things together.

Well, I think it’s a really great partnership because with your passion for everything, and then these organizations’ passion for everything they do, no one’s going to walk away from a show without an underlying message, that’s for sure.

Well, hopefully they get their asses rocked off, too.

That’s what I’m looking forward to. I’ll see you guys in Pittsburgh, and I’m dying, I cannot wait.

It’s going to be a good time.

I can’t wait.

Yeah, the bands that we’re playing with are really awesome, so it’s been a lot of fun.

Yeah, so that’s the next thing I was going to say. This tour ticket is just packed with hardcore goodness, and that doesn’t always happen, where all the acts really make sense together. So, was that a conscious effort on you guys’ part, or did it kind of come together that way? How did that work?

Well, it always is hard to get everybody’s schedules to line up, but on this one we were very lucky with Stray From the Path. They’re from Long Island, New York; and we have Sharptooth and The White Noise, and all the bands are really great. They all have something interesting to say, and we’re really lucky that everybody was able to come together and make this tour happen.

Yeah, it seems like every single band on this tour ticket is the first I’ve seen in a while where it makes sense. Like, you guys all make sense together; it’s awesome.

I hope so. That was the goal.

I’ve heard good things. You guys always seem to be having so much fun doing what you do, and I know it’s work because, obviously, it’s your job. But, touring back-to-back, how in the world do you guys do it? Is there an Anti-Flag secret to staying fit and sane and making touring look as normal and as fun as you guys do?

Um, we have good people around us. We’re incredibly lucky we have the same people who have been with us for years and years and years, which makes it easy for us. But it’s — this is what we grew up doing. This is what we’ve wanted to do since we were young kids, so it’s — we’re incredibly lucky to be able to continue to do it, and people talk to us and they’re like, “Well, how are you able to find the energy to continue to do this?” and actually, I have more energy when we’re out here than I do at home because I meet amazing people who are doing interesting and exciting things every day. And when I’m at home, I just watch CNN and listen to shit radio and it’s depressing.

So when you get out in the world and you see people and you’re like, “Oh, I’m not alone on an island of horrible things.” We’re in it and people are battling these horrible things every day and there’s — and it may not get better, but there’s hope that things can get better because there’s good people working on it.

That’s probably one of the best messages I’ve ever heard is it may not get better, but there’s hope that it will. I like that.

Yeah. Yeah. I have no guarantees that anything’s going to get any better, but I’ve surrounded myself with people who are trying really hard. So, that’s an amazing place to be.

That’s half the battle, really, is who you surround yourself with. You know?

Yep. Absolutely.

I dig it. So you’ve been in the game for decades. So for you, what has been the biggest change in the music scene that you’ve seen, and is there anything that you miss about the good ol’ days?

The good ol’ days weren’t very good. And there’s really nothing that I miss – about the good ol’ days, I don’t know. I just think of how far we’ve come and what changes have happened. Obviously, we’ve got shitty things like Trump and things like that, but we have gay marriage, we have protection for people who smoke marijuana, you know. Things have gotten better in the last 25 years.

  They have, yeah.

We still have the wars for empire, and that is a tragedy, but on the flip side, we’ve gotten some better — we have Obamacare. As much as everybody hates Obamacare, there are more people with healthcare now and less slaves to their jobs to get their healthcare than we’ve had in the past. So, there’s definitely a lot of work to be done, but there’s some good direction. I don’t know, I’m in an optimistic mood today, so — the glass is half full today.

No, I like it. That’s good. You know, and I think something that’s really important is the messages that you guys put out in your videos highlighting that some things are garbage, and that this happened, but these are statistics that show that it’s not, you know, not end of days quite yet. You know, and I think that’s important to remember.

Yeah, it’s absolutely — we probably are in end of days, I’m not going to argue that that’s not happening. But I think that, again, I’m on tour right now, and I’m seeing people fighting these battles and fighting for other people, which, you know, that’s an amazing thing that people are willing to take the time out of their lives to help other people who are not able to help themselves.

And it’s not just in — you know, we talk about the empathy of it, but it’s not — even if you’re a capitalist, if your neighbor is not in abject poverty, you are safer. If your neighbor doesn’t have diseases that he could share with you, you are better off. So, these things that are for people that go, “well, I don’t need to worry about the schools in my neighborhood,” well, if the kids aren’t going to school in your neighborhood, they’re going to be out buying guns and stealing from you.

If they go to school, and they can get a job that makes them happy and makes them feel good about their lives, they’re not going to be stealing from you. So, even being a pure capitalist, then helping other people around you makes your life much better.

Absolutely. And I liked how you said — you talk about being out here, out on the road, and seeing the people that are fighting these battles, because your fans are crazy about you guys. I mean, your fans are a passionate, passionate bunch.

I guess. They’re people that I like. Yeah, it is a bit of a pet peeve of mine. A “fan” for me is somebody, a mindless person that follows something and doesn’t question. And, hopefully we don’t have fans. Hopefully, we have people who are interested in the band and the music. Because I think Justin Bieber has fans, and I never want to do that to anybody.

I want people to be interested in it and be — and care about it, but I hope that they think critically about it, and if it’s shit, they tell us it’s shit, and if it’s good, they tell us it’s good.

So, how do you guys manage, then, to engage the people that are interested in you and have been since practically day one while also still appealing to new audiences who might now just be getting on board and learning about you guys?

I have no idea. I do know that we try and do things that we think are interesting. We try and do things that are — that we think are important, and we just believe that if we think they’re important to talk about that other people might be interested in them as well. And that’s all you can really do. You can buy Facebook friends, I guess, but unless you are creating something interesting that people care about, it doesn’t matter. So, that’s what we’ve always just tried to do is do things that we think are cool.

And you guys — like I said, you’re resonating. You know, the Anti-Flag message is needed now, I think, more than it has been in a long, long time. So, I think it’s important that you’re still around doing this.

Well, thank you very much. I hope so.

You’re welcome.

I wish that our message wasn’t important, and we would just ride off into the sunset, but it hasn’t been that case. It actually seems to be getting worse. Each year it seems to be getting worse. And even with Obama, people were like, “Oh, well, we have liberal leaning President, we’re okay, we don’t have to do anything,” but the reality is that Obama was still killing people with drones, Obama was deporting people and taking them from their homes and sending them to their — other countries because they were here, they didn’t have the right documentation or whatever. There was growth between the people who make all the money, and the people who don’t make any money was further and further even under Obama. So, none of these people have been able to find solutions and make it better for all of us.

Well, I selfishly would love the world to be better, but I’m glad that since it’s not we still have you guys out there stomping the ground for the good word, I guess. Anyway, the new album is quite literally everything I wanted it to be. I wrote a review for the magazine telling everybody how much I loved it.

Oh, thank you very much.

You’re quite welcome. What have you been hearing from people that you talk to as far as American Fall’s place in the Anti-Flag canon? Because that canon is deep.

People — actually, I’ve been surprised. People have told me that they — and obviously they’re going to tell you this — you know, but they said this is one of the records that they like more than a lot of the records that we’ve done lately. So that’s — it’s a weird thing because it’s like somebody saying they like your oldest child better than your youngest child or your youngest child better than your oldest child. It’s a little weird, but yeah, people are digging it, which is good. We want people to connect with it on some level and hopefully — that’s what they seem to be doing, so it’s good.

So, going to that then, lyrically the content right now is some of the strongest out there coming from you guys. Is there anything content-wise that’s happening in the world that you haven’t covered in a song that you would like to? I mean, every day there’s something new that pops up it seems like. So, is anything to come that you would like to see you guys talk about?

Well, so, it’s sort of a weird thing for a band like Anti-Flag, you would think that somebody like Trump would be easy for us to write songs and deal with, but where Anti-Flag is at its best is finding the space between what people assume to know or think or believe and the reality. And with Trump, he’s just such a caricature of an evil businessman, that there’s no real space between reality and impression because he’s a piece of shit and he looks like a piece of shit. So, it’s hard to find things that are interesting to say.

But on the last record, the song “Racist” I thought was a good choice because what this process with Trump has done is, it is called out people who we didn’t think were racist or who don’t think they’re racist. When you talk to them you realize that, oh yeah, they’re racist, too, and it’s sort of disheartening. But that was some space that we found between what people’s expectations of themselves are and the reality of what they are, and I’m a firm believer that we all have racist tendencies. It’s just part of the human condition is that there’s some people that you like and some people that you don’t like, and it’s the nature of it.

But being a human being also means that you fight against those inborn things that are in you because again it’s better for all us that we see each other as who we are and not just colors of skin or backgrounds. Because it’s not just colors of skins, it’s race, it’s religion, it’s gender, it’s everything. So, you have to be consciously checking yourself all the time and saying, “Am I treating this person the way that they should be treated or am I treating this person based on the stereotypes in my mind?” If you do that, you can walk a pretty good line, but if you don’t do that, you become a raging racist and nobody questions you about it.

Even if you don’t believe you are, you are. And so, that was one of the things that we wanted to talk about, and we found that on this record, yeah, it’s hard with Trump being such a piece of shit that there’s — not everybody knows he’s a piece of shit. If your grandmother can tell you that Trump’s a piece of shit, then there’s not much to say about it.

No. Even grandmas know, and that’s where we’re at.

Yeah. Which is unfortunate, but that’s the reality.

It is. So, you said you grew up in this band, and I know that just from following you guys forever, so what do you think you’d be doing if you weren’t in Anti-Flag?

I would be a haberdasher. (laughs) If you ever watched Spinal Tap, that’s — you should watch Spinal Tap, that’s a quote from Spinal Tap. (laughs) I don’t know what else we would do. We’ve been doing this our whole lives; this is what we’ve wanted to do since we were little kids, what we believed in, music and activism, since we were very young. I don’t really have a — we don’t have a fallback plan.

This is what we do, and this is the only thing we do.

I don’t think that you need one at this point. I think the fallback plan is just to keep doing what you’re doing.

Oh, we always need a fallback plan, so I think it’s going be living under a bridge, I think —

Or haberdashery. It’s always there for you.

That’s true. That’s true. It’s always there.

So, I’m always interested in what gear you’re playing with. So, what are you playing with, and is there anything out there that you’re giving sexy eyes to that you want to play with?

I am the antithesis of a gear guy. I don’t care about gear at all.

Awesome. I kind of love that about you, actually.

Stevie is out with us, and he makes my drums sound good. And that’s all I know. I hit them as hard as I can and as fast as I can. And that’s what happens. But I do play Pearl drums. I never really learned how to tune drums, so that drumkit sort of sounds good even if you don’t know how to tune them. I will tell you the other thing that is interesting about me.

If you want to talk gear, I can talk gear a little bit — I started playing Vater drumsticks. I got them at Pianos and Stuff when I was really young, and they were the cheapest stick because it was a new company, and they had really cheap sticks. I started playing Vater when I was 12 years old, and then I still play them, and they’re really expensive now. But I can’t get off of them. They’re the only stick that I’ve ever played, so I still use them. I don’t get them for free or anything; I have to pay for them, and they’re very expensive.

Well, I’m glad that you found sticks that work, and I’m glad you beat those drums as hard as you can because it’s working out. So, what are four words you would use to describe the band for someone that may not know quite what you do?

Four words. Leftist, punk, shitty music.

Oh man. You lost me at the shitty music part, but the rest of it I was with. I like it. So do you have any questions for me that I can answer?

My question is are you writing for yourself or are you writing for someone else?

I do it because I love it, and I publish it on the internet, so the world can see it under somebody else’s thing.

Awesome. Okay. So you write it, but you publish it under somebody else.

Yeah, kind of. I’m the managing editor at RockRevolt Magazine, so we publish it through there, and it gets all the way around the world because of that.

Awesome. Good.

Yes. Writing is my favorite thing besides music. So I get to do both, and it’s kind of awesome.

That’s great. And when you put it on the internet, everybody gets to see it, which is really great.

Yes. Yes. Which is cool because the internet is where everybody likes to spend their time, so it helps me out.

Yep. Well, again, going back to what is good about now versus 25 years ago, to get a show in Boise, Idaho, you had to write a letter and get a letter back from somebody. Now you just call their cell phone and text them, and the show happens. It’s a very different experience, which it’s obviously much easier and better now. I’m definitely not a “Oh you young whippersnappers have it so easy” or like that, it’s great.

I don’t want first and second class; I want everybody in first class.

See, that’s why I love you, that’s awesome. That was a good quote, that’s going to go in the byline right there. I like it. You already made it for me.

There you go. That’s awesome. I have — one of my struggles is that there are a lot of white dudes playing music, white men playing music, and we need to have more diversity within those voices, and as many people as we can get a lot of young men and women with different backgrounds need to be playing music. We can change that idea that only white boys can be rock stars.

Yeah. Where did that idea come from? That’s crap!

Yeah. I clearly benefited from it; I can’t deny it that I benefited from it, but I agree a lot. It’s definitely a privilege that I have and that the more voices that we have, hopefully more people have access to that and be able to be — play music or do whatever else they want to do, and be who they need to be.

I totally love that. Yeah, I agree, 100%. I think there definitely needs to be a little more diversity, especially across genders and racially for sure.

Yeah. Absolutely.

“Absolutely,” says Pat from Anti-Flag. So I don’t want to keep you, but I usually let the artist have the last word, so do you have anything that you would like to add that we haven’t covered? Or anything that you think is important that people need to know about whatever’s important to you?

I’m going to go back again — I mean, go back to the well of it’s better now than it was before. I just think about how many — well, I’ll say from my point of view — how many trans kids that I’ve met in the last year that I didn’t know were trans. The reality that they were there being — living the lives of somebody who they weren’t for years. And then people finally have been able to say, “Hey, this is how I want to be and I’m going to be — and I’m going to be who I am and not worry about it.”

That’s pretty awesome, and I think that that’s happened only in the last couple years, and that’s another example of how things are so much better now than they used to be.

If you feel like you’re not who you want to be, figure out a way to be who you want to be because you’re the only one who has to live your life, and you have to figure out how to do it the best way you can.

Man. You’ve got, like — you should write Hallmark cards. That’s what your backup plan is: Hallmark; and I’m going to totally back you on this.

(laughs) That’s what I’m going to use from now on. That’s what I’m going to tell people who ask me what I would do if I was not in the band. I’m going to write Hallmark cards.

Yes, please. Devon from Cleveland says that you should write Hallmark cards, yes. Awesome. Well, I am dying for the Pittsburgh show. Hopefully I get to say hello to you at the show somehow.

Yes. Please come up and say hello.

I will.

I’m the one who plays drums and has the funny hair. (laughs)

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Interview by Devon Anderson, RockRevolt Managing Editor

INTERVIEW: Pat Thetic, Anti-Flag was originally published on RockRevolt Mag