#i mean if it were me i'd just quit goodbye forever

[bojackhorsemanobviously]

Eric: I killed my father, turned him to chili and fed to a kid , I might have killed a 1000 + people oh and I gave Kyle AIDS

Bojacks brain

@ccartman

[bunnys-kisses]

hiyaa!! may i order a banana bread and tres leches with a side of mocha coffee,a vodka shot and root beer for Charles Leclerc please ��

bakery menu

want to submit your own order? then hit up the menu! there's tons of items on there for your liking! i also accept prompts outside of formula one, so hit me with it! i'd love to hear from you! as for this sender, thank you for the lovely series of prompts! i really like what you ordered and i hope you like what i've cooked up! enjoy!

banana bread ("i'm going to fuck that sweet pussy of yours until the only word your little brain can form is my name.") + tres leches ("i wonder if your brother know i cum in you.") + mocha coffee (breeding kink) + vodka shot (rough sex) + root beer (filming/recording) served by charles leclerc (formula one)!

cw: smut/pwp, mean!charles, sainz!reader, filming/recording, breeding kink, unprotected sex, pregnancy, dirty talk

charles had pretty boy privilege. he was charming and funny. green doe-like eyes, a pretty smile and the kind of features that made anyone with a working set of eyes go crazy.

he had fans. he could honestly have anyone he chose, regardless of gender. charles leclerc had the world at his fingertips, and yet he always seemed to find you under him.

you knew the camera was on you as charles kissed up your body. you tried to hold back moans as you felt the throb between your legs. charles leclerc only yearned for two things; a win at monaco and the sister of his teammate, carlos sainz jr.

carlos should've been a little more worried about his younger sister going off for a night. he had trusted charles to look after you while he was busy, after all they were quite close after being on the same team.

but as you waved your brother goodbye before you got into charles' car to "pick up your friends", you could feel the hungry gaze of charles on your back side. it was like he was mentally undressing you. once in the car, drove like he was headed in the direction of your friend's apartment but when he was far enough from carlos' home, he took a sharp turn down a side road and ended up at his own home.

charles' hand was on your thigh the entire drive, even though his eyes were on the road. his fingers inched up your skirt. "i was always curious. i wonder if your brother knows i cum in you." he said it so casually.

you froze for a moment and said, "who i see isn't carlos' concern. i'm an adult." it was true, your brother didn't have to meddle in what you did from a day to day basis.

charles nodded, "i'm just curious. i wonder if he knew what we did, the little lies you told him over this time." he patted your thigh and pulled the skirt of your dress down to where it was, "that you're a whore."

you swallowed at his words and shifted in your seat. his words were tainted with venom as if their contents were degrading. you only ever really slept with charles. mostly because your older brother would scare off anyone who tried to romantically close to you. but charles slipped right into your life under the guise of wanting to protect his friend's sister.

"i said, he doesn't need to know about it."

charles pulled into the driveway, "one day he will have to, no? our luck is going to run out."

you knew charles was filming you, when he got you undressed. you could feel the lens of his phone on your heated skin as you laid out on the bed.

"i'm going to fuck that sweet pussy of yours until the only word your little brain can form is my name." he said, "i think leclerc is a little nicer than sainz." he teased as he ran his finger across your front. the sight of you was beautiful.

"i'd like to keep my last name thank you very much."

he laughed and took you by the face, "not forever, ma petite salope." then pressed a kiss right beside your mouth. you whimpered and felt the heat pool in your gut at his attention on you.

the relationship with had with charles was past purely sexual. there was something that lingered. it almost felt like a possessive curl of charles' hand into your soul. a promise that no matter how far you ran, he would find you.

when he pulled away. you admired his naked form. the sight of his moles across his body, the tanned skin and toned muscles. he licked the pad of his thumb slowly before he rubbed it up against your clit. you moaned an arched your back, your hands clutching on the pillow under your head.

"femme... mère... pute." he said softly.

you tensed at the words and gave him a look, which only made him laugh. he pressed a little harder on your clit and gave you a look that read 'don't worry'.

wife.

mother.

whore.

you were the thump in charles' chest. maybe that was why he needed you so deeply. it was like being separated from his heart. and even though it was all bathed in a sexual ecstasy you both craved. charles wanted to make sure that he stood out in your mind, and that you didn't go running off.

he eyed your expression as he sank his cock into your sweet pussy. he made a soft noise and felt the thrill of pleasure down his spine as he got himself inside of you.

his pace was heavy with, giving you little room to breathe as he kept his cock inside of you. you were less of a participating lover and more of a toy around his cock.

but don't worry, charles wasn't known to break his toys. after all, who else was going to be the mother of his children? you silly little thing, charles was worried about you getting away. so he had to make sure that he left you with something a little more permanent.

"tu es à moi." he said, his hands dug into the meat of your hips. he had to admit that your entire family was very beautiful. carlos wasn't smooth operator for nothing. so charles wasn't worried that the child you and him had wouldn't be beautiful like their mother.

the thought of it excited him. the knowledge that you'd be having dinner with your brother tomorrow. laughing over a homemade meal, but your biology was doing the heavy work to make sure that charles' seed took.

even when you were apart, you'd have a part of charles with you.

he continued to move against you, egged on by your moans as he felt the sea of lust in his gut. he panted heavily as continued to move. not letting his cock out of you for a moment. he could feel the heat down to his feet as he hit your insides just right with his cock.

"you are mine. no? you know what you are to me. my dirty little slut. i wonder how your brother would feel if he saw you right now. pinned under me, face in the pillows and your hips in the air. letting me breed you like the good girl you are." his words were filthy and burned into your mind. it made you need it more. every inch of him stuffed in your poor cunt.

over the last two years of sneaking around with charles, you had to become pretty resilient to deal with the barrage of fucking from the man on top of you.

you nodded and replied, "of course, only for you."

charles loved the sound of that. he pressed into you further and shifted your hips so he could get in deeper, really feel you inside and out. it was hot, it made him feel a little red in the face as he fucked you.

you held onto the pillow under you as he got his chest up against yours. you were squished against him, but the way he was bullying your cunt left you out of breath. you could feel the heat radiating through your body.

"such a pretty little thing." he chuckled as he pressed kisses along your jaw, "so soft, perfect for me." he dragged his tongue a little bit. which made you shudder. your core dripped with heightened pleasure.

"charles."

he smirked a little bit, "don't worry, my love. you just look nice under me. let me take it all." his words were softer than before and it made the pleasure more intense.

he continued to fuck you, rutting against you with a feverish demeanor. you soon came around his cock and held onto his tanned shoulders tightly for some semblance of support. you manicured nails were rug into the skin, you could feel the shifts in his muscles as he thrusted into you. you groaned loudly and clenched around his cock. a rush of euphoria hit you.

"that's it, that's a good girl." he groaned as he battered his cock up against your womb. letting the blunt tip leave your insides bruised and creamy. he finished inside of you with a promise.

he was going to get you pregnant and make it very well known to your brother that you were with charles. enough of this sneaking around.

-

carlos did find out. maybe not the whole truth of how you and charles 'got together'. you omitted the months of sneaking around and sex. when you got pregnant, charles only became more liked by your entire family.

he was already pretty integrated into the sainz family. so this little union between you and him felt almost natural. how he doted on his pregnant girlfriend, even going as far as to tell your mother that he was expecting to propose after the season and after your son was born.

"he's going to be a good husband." your brother said as he picked at his dinner, "good father too. but you'll let me know if starts causing problems, right?" always the protective one.

you nodded with a smile, the necklace charles had gifted you gleamed in the faint light of the restaurant. in all fairness the necklace was less of a dangly chain and more close to the neck. like a choker. like a collar. you rested your hand on your cheek and stared at your brother. you nodded, "of course."

"and don't move too fast! you have to finish school!" he added, "you've only been with charles for less than a year."

the timeline for carlos was skewed, but it was for his sake. you didn't want to give the driver a heart attack. it was bad enough that you came home pregnant without a ring (for now). you just chuckled and said, "don't worry!"

you didn't want him to worry, especially if he looked too closely and found the faint appearance of love bits across your neck that had been carefully covered with make up. what carlos didn't know, wouldn't hurt him. <3

[thebarontheabyss]

The new version of The Bar on the Abyss 2.0 update is coming soon!

I've finished stocking the Library of Pseudonium with stories, tales, and entries for you to devour, and now I'm moving to overhaul some of the romance scenes in the game.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share one of those entries. See you soon in the Abyss :)

Waiting for You by Albus Gauss

"Did you see the moth, my love?

It was there when we said our goodbyes. I could see you holding back your tears. You had to be strong, I understand. But I wish you hadn’t. I was so weak, and all I wanted was to hold you, to feel your warmth one last time. I longed for your tears to flow freely, to form a river that would carry me away into the unknown, into oblivion.

As you whispered your final words, I saw it in that quiet moment.

A fragile, black-winged creature. It fluttered softly between us, hovering like a silent witness to our parting. It landed on my chest, just above my heart, and in that instant, it whispered something I couldn’t quite hear, or remember. 

The following moments are hard to hold onto—like trying to catch the wind. A blur of sensation and then… seagulls. 

I woke to the sound of the ocean.

An endless beach stretched before me, an ancient town clinging to its shoreline like something plucked from an old memory. Remember our honeymoon in Sanremo? The way the sun seemed to melt into the sea, the scent of salt and warmth in the air? It was just like that, only quieter. Still, Timeless.

The sand beneath me was warm, and the breeze carried not just salt but something else… something eternal, like time itself was holding its breath. The sea shimmered in silver hues, a glow that made it almost alive. I stood up, feeling lighter than I had in years—lighter than I had ever felt in life. The pain that had gripped me for so long was gone, but with it, the weight of myself—of being alive.

It’s strange to explain. You never realize how heavy your existence is until it’s lifted away.

I followed the shoreline, letting my feet sink into the soft sand. And then, near me, I saw it fluttering again—the moth, gently gliding on the warm waves of the sea. And it spoke to me.

So, I’m in a place called Kaitz, an ‘ethereal realm.’ Not Heaven, just… a haven. We talked for a long time, and he told me so much. My mind struggles to comprehend the details, but apparently, this is the afterlife.

I followed him into a small house on the outskirts of the town, overlooking the ocean. It was a simple, quaint place, like something we might’ve stayed in during one of our seaside holidays. The walls were cracked but alive with vines of unfamiliar flowers, their blooms glowing faintly as dusk crept in. There was a feeling of anticipation in the air—like the house had been waiting for me. The moth told me I could stay here if I wanted to. I was so confused, I really should have asked him for how long. Did he mean forever?

I wandered onto the balcony, looking out over the ocean as the sunset bathed everything in gold. The horizon shimmered in a way that I can’t quite describe—like the light was bending, swirling into itself, but never fully disappearing. For a long time, I just stood there on that balcony. This place was beautiful, yet I felt… alone.

The moth—Mavet, it whispered its name—perched beside me on the railing, its wings reflecting the dying light. It didn’t speak again, just hovering for a while until the sun was gone, and so did he.

I couldn’t sleep that night. The stillness was too loud, so I went outside into the town. 

That’s when I heard the music. There was a festival, with fireworks and sky lanterns floating in the skies above us. I’ve never seen clearer skies—whole galaxies stretching and spiraling, and I swear those sky lanterns rising above us were turning into stars as they met the heavens.

The streets were lined with people, all lost in the celebration, their laughter and voices mingling with the music that filled the air. I came here feeling lost and alone, but when I saw the happiness in their eyes and the calmness in their faces… for a brief moment, I also lost myself in that feeling. And it felt so good.

I followed the parade, blending into the river of souls and meeting a group of recently deceased souls like me. They were different from me in every way—one had skin like marble, another glowed faintly as if lit from within—but somehow, we felt acquainted with one another. There was an instant camaraderie, as if we had always known each other, as if we’d met many times before, in some other life. They told me they were from different realms. I had no idea there were other realms besides ours. And yet, here we all were, walking together under a sky that seemed to stretch forever.

We walked through the winding streets, drinking and talking like old friends. They told stories of their lives, and I told them about us. About you.

At some point during the night, as the festival flowed around me, I found myself dancing to rhythm of the celebration. And then it hit me—a wave of emotion that I couldn’t hold back. The freedom of it all. The weightlessness, the sheer absence of pain, of sickness. I cried. Tears of joy. Pure, unfiltered happiness. I hadn’t felt this alive in years, Malcolm. My new friends didn’t say a word, but their hands held mine tighter as if they understood.  

I’m so sorry for being this happy without you, my love. Please forgive me.  

By the time dawn arrived, we found ourselves back on the beach. The festival had faded, and the sky was painted in shades of violet and gold. We sat there, five of us, watching the horizon, waiting for the sun to rise fully. 

When it did, I said goodbye and walked back to the little house on the cliff. The streets were quiet now, the remnants of the festival scattered across the cobblestone roads. It felt strange to be back in that empty house. But for the first time since I passed, I felt the weight of exhaustion settling into my bones.

I fell asleep quickly, and I dreamt of you.

I was lying next to you, in our bed at home. We had just bought that house, remember? We called it our forever home. Funny, isn’t it? How man plans, and the cosmos laughs.

In my dream, I reached over and held your hand, and as I did, I saw your face. You were crying in your sleep, your cheeks soaked with tears. 

I’m glad you finally cried, Malcolm. 

When I woke, I couldn’t shake the feeling of that dream. It felt so real, like I was there with you. But I woke up to an empty bed, and I can imagine you were too. I guess this is our reality from now on. 

My new friends told me about a train that comes through once a day. It drives straight into the ocean, vanishing beneath the waves, and it takes you to other places, other realms. 

They say you can visit all sorts of worlds and find places you never imagined–other afterlives, other paradises. I’m thinking of getting on that train soon, after spending a little more time here.

I want to explore, to see what’s out there. That dream… It gave me a purpose, something to do until we find each other again. I’m going to search for a place for us. A perfect place. A home where we can be together again, after your time has come. 

I will find our forever home.

And until that day comes, Malcolm, I’ll be dreaming of you. 

Here, on the endless shores of Kaitz… or somewhere else, entirely."

[crownmemes]

Doctor Who (60th Anniversary Specials) Sentences, Condensed

(Sentences from Doctor Who (60th Anniversary Specials, 2023). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I keep having more and more dreams."

"Look! It's a spaceship!"

"How do you always manage to miss everything?"

"You can wear a suit that tight up to the age of 35, and no further."

"What I'm saying is, that ship didn't crash - it parked."

"It is not my fault I lost my job!"

"How many more times? There's no such thing as spaceships!"

"I would burn down the world for you."

"Sometimes, I think there's something missing."

"Why are you hiding away? We're on the same side."

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"Do not fire without my command!"

"I want to go home."

"Sometimes, I think I'm from a different planet."

"So nice to see you again!"

"No stun guns for me!"

"I'm just passing by."

"I have no higher compliment."

"Cryptic. I hate that."

"A lot of husbands would worry."

"Does there have to be a reason?"

"Why don't you do something completely new and have some friends?"

"My family is waiting for me!"

"I will get you home."

"It's definitely a spaceship."

"Is that stuff dangerous?"

"Did it just get cold?"

"My arms are too long."

"Look, I'm me! I swear, I'm really, really me!"

"You're saying this to break me down."

"I've got to say, this is the biggest nightmare of my life, but... I look quite good."

"I can't follow any of this!"

"That's a superstition. It doesn't mean it's true."

"You timed that to get out of awkward conversations!"

"Now nothing is wrong! Nothing in the whole wide world!"

"I never thought I'd see you again after all these years."

"The whole world's coming to an end!"

"Oh, here comes trouble!"

"Basically, every single human thinks they're right and won't be told otherwise."

"Why should I care? I mean, seriously? Why should I care about you?"

"What is this? Some kind of conspiracy?"

"But how does this even make sense?"

"I'll warn you now; if this is a trick, I will kill you."

"Your good and your bad are nothing to me."

"All that exists is to win or to lose."

"That's cheating!"

"You can't save everyone."

"You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?"

"Who'd have thought I ended up with a family?"

"You don't have to stay forever."

"Do you miss it? Out there?"

"I've never been so happy in my life."

[bbgnyx]

prompt list~

ok so here are random prompts, mention the skz member + the number with genre and message me! feel free to add any details you want! open to suggestions as well!

will prolly keep adding more as i come up with it~

Smut~

-01- "Be quiet baby, you don't want anyone to hear us, would you?"

-02- "You'll get to cum when I decide it."

-03- "Keep your eyes on me"

-04- "Be a good girl for daddy hmm and take it all in"

-05- "Let everyone know who you belong to"

-06- "The first one that cums will be punished by the other. Deal?"

-07- "Let me come in you, please. I wanna fill you up."

-08- "Look at what you do to me."

-09- "Show me how you want to be touched, baby"

-10- "I'm gonna fuck you till you can't walk tomorrow"

-11- "I'd hold onto something if I were you"

-12- "Look what you do to me"

-13- "I haven't even touched you and you're already this wet"

-14- "Make me"

-15- "C'mere, sit on my lap"

-16- "You're not going out in that outfit"

-17- "You're so fucking hot when you're mad"

-18-"If you don't like my teasing, then why are you mad?"

-19- "I really wanna kiss you and do unimaginable things to you right now"

-20- "Playing hard to get hmm? that's cute"

~♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡~

Fluff~

-01- "Where's my good-night kiss?"

-02- "I saw something today that reminded me of you"

-03- "I'm not leaving you. Ever."

-04- "Marry me"

-05- "Dance with me?"

-06- "It's always been you"

-07- "Thank you." "For what?" "Just thank you."

-08- "It's us against the world."

-09- "I miss you"

-10- "I want to spend the day with you, doing nothing"

-11- "You're hair is really soft after you wash it"

-12- "Star-gazing was a good idea"

-13- "I've never noticed that mole on your nose, it's really cute"

-14- "Quit smiling at me, I can't stop messing up my sentences when you look at me like that."

-15- "You're so cute." "What did you just say". "I just said you look like a boot"

-16- "I love hearing you're voice"

-17- "It's my turn to cook tonight"

-18- "I wish i could spend more time with you"

-19- "Can we just stay like this?"

-20- "If you tickle me one more time, I swear you're not getting any kisses or cuddles for a week"

~♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡~

Angst~

-01- "What changed?" "I don't feel the same way I did anymore."

-02- "I cheated on you."

-03- "I'll always pick her....i'm sorry"

-04- "Why does this sound like goodbye?" "Because it is."

-05- "Did you ever love me?"

-06- "Y-You don't remember me?"

-07- “Just let me see him one more time. please.”

-08- "I'm sorry. I'll never be good enough for you."

-09- "It probably doesn't mean anything to you, but I love you."

-10- "Love is full of lies"

-11- "Is this what I get for loving you?"

-12- "Am I finally a hero?

-13- "I'm done helping you!"

-14- "I was only using you"

-15- "I'm scared"

-16- "I'm sorry that I love you"

-17- "Do you remember we were once happy together?"

-18- "I love you"

-19- "I guess forever was a word meant for memories and not for people"

~♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡~

[raschuuuu]

Summary: Y/N is a famous YouTube vlogger and Ruben Dias a famous professional football player. They've been friends for a few months but never met. Now it's finally time for them to meet but what happens when one of them falls in love?

PART 2

Rating/genre: fluff, friends to lovers

Pairings: Ruben Dias x female reader

Word count: 862 words

—————————————————————————————————

The same night I arrived in London, Ruben and I had another video call. And another three weeks later Ruben and I, of course, still kept in touch, but not that much because of one: He was busy and two: I've been busy too. I started filming vlogs again regularly.

I haven't told you what videos I'm shooting yet. I refer more to daily lifestyle vlogs or vacation vlogs. My videos like to be watched by girls and boys and I also film on twitch a few videos, which means I like to stream too.

Today I made plans to meet a good friend of mine, his name is Brett. Brett and I met at a little event in London, and he talked to me first there. It felt like Brett and I were friends forever. Brett was never in one of my videos, so he had a little debut today.

"Hey, guys, welcome to a new vlog from me! I hope everyone are doing fine. I'm meeting a friend of mine later, you've never met him, but he's a great person, and that's why I really want him to be in my vlog today." I said to the camera. „This is what I’m gonna be wearing today guys!“ I turned the camera around so you can see my OOTD in the mirror. I was on my way out and while I was walking I was talking to the camera.

When I got to the restaurant where I wanted to meet him, he was sitting there and I smiled at him. The camera was still filming all the time. "Here he is," I said with a big smile on my face, hugging Brett. Then I turned the camera around and Brett waved into the camera. „Guys this is my beste Brett!!!“ - "Hey, guys, I'm Brett," he said shyly. I had to laugh because I realized he must have been embarrassed. Brett and I sat in that restaurant and talked a lot, the camera kept filming. We told my viewers how we met, we made a lot of jokes, and after lunch at the restaurant, I continued to vlog. Brett and I had a nice day in London. We went into a couple of stores, I helped Brett to pick out a suit because he was soon invited to a wedding, and we went to a coffee shop and had coffee and cake. In the evening, we went to a bar and got drunk there. I finished my vlog the next morning in my bed. I had quite a hangover from the night before, and I said goodbye to my viewers.

I uploaded the vlog that same week on YouTube and got such nice comments from my viewers. Everybody loved Brett and wanted to have a vlog with him again as soon as possible.

When I was lying in my bed at night I watched at a documentation on Netflix and then I got a call from Ruben. "Hi," I said. "Hey," he said dry. "Are you all right?" - "Yes, I'm fine. Do you have a boyfriend now?", he asked all of a sudden. "No, why?" "I watched your vlog and it looked like you were dating," he said. I had to smile. What he and everyone else didn't know is that Brett likes dicks. Yeah he’s gay. He would probably try to hit on Ruben if he knew we were friends.

I decided to keep it to myself and not tell him. "Really? No, we don't date. But did you think we looked good together?" I asked. He didn't answer my question. I called his name. "No," he answered, and before I could say anything, he said, "I'll go to London and meet you tomorrow." Now I've been quiet. What's wrong with him? Why does he want to come all of a sudden?

"Of course you can come, but why all of a sudden? We didn't plan anything and I didn't clean up. I don’t have any food here. I need to buy food. Oh, God, I don't have anything at home," I replied and suddenly I got stressed. "I've just made a spontaneous decision. You don't need to buy anything. I'm gonna get a hotel. I'll come with Arabella. I'd like you to meet her. We're just getting to know each other, and I think it can be serious with her." He said, and somehow I felt weird. And if I'm honest with you, I felt jealousy as well. He didn't tell me anything about her when I was with him, and why would he want to introduce me to his situationship or whatever the fuck she is? "Uhm, sure I'd love to meet your girlfriend." I lied. I don't want to meet her. "But does she know about me? Did you tell her about me because I'm not really unknown and I don't want her to think anything wrong." - "Yes, I told her we were friends. She was surprised, but she was happy and she loves to watch your videos. We watched your video with Brett together. Her idea was to go on a double date together."

OH OH HELP!

[clickbait-official]

Hemorrhage

or; heartbreak waiting to happen

prompt from @nightprompts : “You mean nothing to me.”

masterlist

~~~

In hindsight, it was never going to work. It was never going to happen. But loves leaves you blind, as the saying goes. A shame sight only returns after the fact.

Before I was old enough to understand words, I knew only the simple things: my mother’s voice, hunger, pain, and the waves. The ocean was my best friend. I walked to the water long before I walked to anybody else.

What can I say? The crash of the water on sand was as alluring as the sirens that lay further beyond. And I walked the edges of those beaches like I traced the creases of my hands.

There was a small little alcove in the hill not far from my house. That was where I met my first God. It was also where I met my first friend.

He had hair shone with the color of the sun, and eyes that matched the sea I always found him besides.

It was in that alcove where I found my first friend, and my only love.

Because under the starlight, Poseidon had small freckles that glowed white like sea foam. Because he was as unruly as the waves he presided over. Because he was unchanging, and would be for forever.

And in that little alcove, I shared more with him than anyone else. We spent hours, days even just talking. It was always interesting to hear about how gods fought just like humans. Or how sea monsters played tag far underneath the waves.

Once, I even met his brother, though he never gave me his name. He had the eye color of the ametrine necklace Poseidon gave me.

I didn’t talk to him much, though. It felt too much like I was being studied.

It was from there that I started to drift from Poseidon. I realized that I was destined to lose this beautiful hand-crafted relationship, and well, some things are meant to break.

Before meeting him, I was confused on why mortals would so willingly follow the gods, damned be their fates or the destruction it might cause.

But now I understood why.

What a shame that I loved him in a way I could never recover from. What a shame he could never return it.

It was, as some might say, a heartbreak waiting to happen.

So I'll watch from afar, my feet planted firmly on the sand. My eyes will always be fixed on the ocean - on the shade of blue I'll never, ever forget.

Goodbye, Poseidon. I hope you know I loved you.

~~~

They withdrew from me like an ebb current. I could not tell you why.

I should've been angry. Furious, even. Who were they to ignore a God? Ignore me?

But the grief hit me first. Though maybe that's the incorrect word.

Life was a deadzone, before. I didn't even recognize that's what it was, until I met them. But suddenly the ocean was filled with new creatures and plants and life, glorious life. There...there was suddenly light everywhere I went, even at the very bottom of the Mariana Trench.

But they left. They left, and I suppose grief really is the right word because I cannot bring myself to be angry.

Where did my light go?

Please come back. It's cold at the bottom of the ocean floor.

Join me? Just once more?

I'd like to say "goodbye", as the humans say.

...Please.

(I miss you.)

Please?

(It's so cold.)

~~~

didn't quite use the prompt, but I guess it can be inferred that it happened 🤷

I'm back from the dead! Brainrot brought me back to life!

[mrbob0822]

Robert Moonbrow, Cleric of Pelor | Sole Survivor & Dogmeat

Photography by David Ngo at C2E2 2024

- - - - - - - - - -

Hello, Tumblr!

It's...certainly been quite a while, hasn't it? OOF. I really apologize for the unintended hiatus.

I was at C2E2 in Chicago a couple of weeks ago with some updated costumes, and figured I'd share!

Friday and Sunday I wore my Sole Survivor costume from Fallout 4, with plenty of extra weathering and proper strapping since I slapped it together prior to Halloween last year. I made the Dogmeat Heavy Dog Armor for my actual German Shepherd(Caboose), but since he's not a service animal(please don't bring your pets to conventions), I wound up purchasing a close-to-life-sized plush version that the costume *mostly* fit on. The number of people who did double-takes and "thought it was a real dog" was staggering, so I guess I did something right. Also, Sunday of C2E2 is always touted as family day, so the number of kids that came up asking to pet my dog was adorable.

On Saturday, I wore my D&D costume: a half-elven cleric of Pelor of my own design. I adore Dungeons & Dragons, and as an homage to nearly playing with the same group(multiple campaigns) since 2002, I made my first character Robert Moonbrow. I debuted this back in 2022, which revealed some issues with my design, so those fixes were made(mostly reinforcing the straps to prevent stretching and to reinforce the area around the rivets since all of the armor is EVA foam) as well as a heater shield I never got around to finishing, which turned out great, with the exception of being able to see the wrist straps through the foam on the front. On a whim, I decided to enter the Crown Championships of Cosplay this year, ReedPop's costume contest. I had zero expectations of anything, since people have no attachment to original characters other than the person making it, but I worked insanely hard on this thing, dumping probably close to 1,000 hours into the costume overall, and pushed the boundaries of my skillset to make something I was truly proud of out of a love for the fun my friends and I had with our time together. I didn't win anything, but it was genuinely great just to be in the same competition as the others who entered with their insane craftsmanship and attention to detail, and I do mean that, sincerely. We had a great time talking shop backstage during the competition and admiring one another's costumes.

Will I ever compete again? Probably not. It kind of eats up the entire day, and it takes me forever to make a costume in general, much less one to compete with. If I ever did, I might consider revamping my Grey Warden Alistair costume or something, but it's an extremely low priority. At the end of the day, cosplay is just a fun hobby for me, and adding extra stress with competition prep and anxiety kinda sucks some of the fun out of it, even though it was a fun and new(at least at this level) experience this time.

This is the only convention I'll be attending this year, much as I absolutely miss all of my friends at Dragon Con and would love to attend. I haven't been there since...2018? Oof. My friend Darryn said he'll be there in 2025, so I made the promise to him that I'll be there, which means I'll be bringing Alistair, since we became friends by cosplaying the character. I would also love to bring my D&D costume, but it's not exactly a cool and comfortable costume, so I'm going to try to test out its comfortability in the heat by wearing it to the Bristol Renaissance Faire on the Wisconsin/Illinois border at the end of July this summer(Saturday, July 27th is the plan). If you're in the area and want to see it in person or say goodbye to me as I potentially die of heatstroke(kidding!(hopefully...)), feel free! Fingers crossed the weather holds out that day for a solid test.

Anyway, time for me to shut up! Enjoy some additional shots from C2E2 2024:

[viennacherries]

what is your favourite thing that you’ve ever written?

this maybe isn't the answer you were looking for/expecting, and it's a little bit personal/deep, so sorry for that.

my actual favourite thing i've ever written is the eulogy i wrote and spoke at my mum's funeral. she passed when i was 16 after a long battle with cancer, but her passing was still very sudden. we were told she had about 6 months just days before she died.

it was more of a 'celebration of life' rather than an actual funeral. my mum wasn't religious and we wanted it to reflect on her more rather than a god she didn't believe in. it was amazing. friends she hadn't seen in years travelled from across the country and even the world to come and say goodbye to her. there were so many people that we didn't have enough chairs, and the room was completely full because people had to stand at the back and sides.

i've put it below the cut, if anyone wants to read it. it's obviously very emotional, so be prepared. but it's also very hopeful, in a way that i think you have to be when you experience a profound loss.

i turn 21 in just over a week, and i think about her and this speech around my birthday. 16 year old cher was very scared, but hopeful that things would get better, and im glad she was right.

I think everyone is aware of the fact they'll have to say goodbye to their parents someday from quite a young age. I think the problem is I never imagined it would be this soon.

To an extent I had prepared myself when mum was first diagnosed with cancer. I had to accept that there was a chance I had to say goodbye. But then I didn’t have to.

I never got the chance to prepare this time. Maybe that's what feels so bittersweet. Would things have been different if I’d known sooner? If I'd known the last time would be the last time. Would I hug her tighter? Would I say all the things I needed to say?

Or would I have just never let go?

Would any of the words felt right? Would any of it have felt enough? Or would I have spent forever regretting the words I misspoke or the ones I missed? Maybe this way is better because it was unclouded by the fear of the future.

There are so many things I wish I'd told her. That I didn't blame her. That it wasn’t her fault. That I loved her more than she knew. That I hoped she found peace.

I really hope she has. I think in my heart I know she has.

I see her in everything. In the sunset and the sunrise when the sky is clear. In every Robin or Blue Tit that seems a little too calm around me, that lands a little too close or sings extra loudly. I see her in the kindness others give me, because I know she has inspired it because they loved her. It's like she’s talking to me. Like it's her telling me things will be okay. When I hug my family or friends I hold on extra tight as though it's her, and I never ever want to let go.

I think something I hadn't considered is how hard listening to music would be. Because suddenly all these words have a new meaning and you hear them in a way you never have before. Or a song comes on that I know she loved and I realise I'll never hear her sing it again or watch her dance to it while we're stopped at traffic lights.

For the last four years people have told me how strong I am. I don’t think it's true. I think she was strong. She pushed through every day. She put up with [brother's name] and I at our worst and our best. she brought people joy and she made people feel loved. She never stopped fighting. I don’t think I'm strong, I don't think any of us are. I think every day she kept going she gave everyone a little bit of her strength. I think she made us strong by being strong. I think her strength inspired ours. Everything I am is her. Some days I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm looking at her, if not for the way I look then for the person I am. Because I'm a reflection of her. Of everything she taught me. I have always lived every single day of my life trying to make her proud. I hope wherever she is she knows I'll never stop.

She always gave the best advice, even on the days where it wasn't what I wanted to hear or I got angry because I didn’t think I agreed, she always knew what to say. I only wish I could ask her one more thing.

What do I do now? What happens from here? How do I keep going without you?

I'd like to think that I know what she'd say. She'd tell me I'm strong. She'd tell me she's with me. She'd tell me she believes in me and she'd hold my hand.

All of my memories of mum right now are painful. Because I know they're just memories. But they make me hopeful because I can hold onto them forever. They make me hopeful because someday remembering her won't hurt, it'll feel warm and I'll feel love. Someday we'll all be okay.

Our memories of mum keep her alive. Even when she’s gone. I want you all to think of her and when you do, I want you to smile, just like she always made us all smile.

Remember her with love. Remember who she was. She loved you.

So to you mum. Because I know you're here and I know you're listening. I hope you see how loved you are. I hope you feel it. I hope you know I don't blame you. I hope you know it wasn't your fault. I hope you've found peace. I hope you know just how much I love you. How much we all do. I can't wait to see you again.

[sunflowerim]

I don't wanna say goodbye, 'cause this one means forever

Journal entries of our resident drama queen, Sirius Black. 12 birthdays. 12 entries. And a great deal of friendship, pining, love and heartbreak.

Wolfstar-Marauders hc. Word Count: 5155.

🌙💫

November 3rd, 1971

Dear Diary,

I am Sirius Orion Black and today is my birthday

I, Sirius Orion Black, turn 12 today.

This diary was a present from Andy for starting at Hogwarts but all these months I didn't know what to write here. Today, I asked James what he would do if he had a journal, and he said he would write about all his exciting days in Hogwarts so that it would be stored forever in pages.

I think today was pretty exciting, so I am going to start this journal, finally.

This birthday was quite different from the ones I've had before

My parents forgot to wish me. Or they just chose not to. Probably because I'm the first Black to have ended up in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin. It should have made any regular kid sad but I'm somewhat relieved.

I was not woken up by Kreacher loudly cleaning my room in the morning (because apparently, my room must be squeaky clean on birthdays even though no one really comes up here except to reprimand me for something), but instead by James jumping on my bed to wish me. It startled me a bit but the change was welcome.

I was not greeted in the morning by my mother or father who, at some point in the past few years had started saying that this day was an annoying reminder (well, they never really said it but actions speak louder than words), but instead with a freshly baked pie which James's mom had sent because he'd mentioned to her in his previous letter that it was his "best friend's birthday". I liked that too.

People in the hallways wished me and it made me very happy; unlike when people at home wished me lectured me about my noble birth and it made me want to hide in my room.

I did receive cards from Andy and Uncle Alphard AND received some more cards from a few friends. (Remus is excellent with cards by the way)

I had no idea birthdays could be this fun.

I really hope I can stay in Hogwarts for a long time.

P.S. Reggie did not wish me either and I wonder what’s up with him. I was expecting a letter from him. But then again, my birthdays have never been a big deal in the family (what with my rebellious streak and all) so I suppose that’s okay.

* * *

November 3rd, 1972

Hello journal, it's me again.

It's not that the past 365 days were not exciting; they were. I just forgot to write about them. Also, I doubt if I would have been able to fit an entire year's worth of adventures in a single journal. Yes, we indeed had THAT much fun.

I am a year older today and once again glad that no one from my family has been able to ruin this day for me this year either. Somehow they just decided not to acknowledge that I was ever born. Maybe they would if I was more like Narcissa or Bella. But who'd want to be like them? Gross. I'd much rather celebrate the day with people who truly care about me.

One thing that did upset me a little was Reggie's behaviour. He started Hogwarts this year and was sorted into Slytherin like the rest of our "noble" family, but it's like he doesn't even recognise me anymore. I know that my being sorted into Gryffindor was a matter of disgrace to the family but I don't understand what that's got to do with Reggie. We're supposed to be brothers, but whenever I look at him these days, he looks like a miniature version of our birth giver. I wonder who brainwashed him like that.

Actually I don't have to wonder. I know it was our mother.

Anyway, Lily once said that I should be more grateful for things I have rather than complain about things that displease me, so here:

I'm grateful that James and Remus are in my life.

I'm grateful for all the things they did to make my birthday special.

I'm grateful that I'm not lonely anymore.

Most importantly, I’m grateful to the Sorting Hat for putting me in Gryffindor. I would have missed out on everything if not for this.

And I'm not just saying these because Lily asked me to but because I really mean it. I'd be nowhere without James and Remus.

That's it for this year.

I will try not to ditch this journal until my next birthday.

Sirius Black, aged 13, signing off.

* * *

November 3rd, 1973

I am now 14, and I've just had the best birthday ever.

It was a stroke of luck that my birthday fell on Hogsmeade weekend. I couldn't have asked for anything better. Also because 3rd years are allowed to stay in the common room till late, I had the golden opportunity of attending two celebrations this week: the Gryffindor Halloween party and my birthday. Yes indeed, James and Remus pulled all the strings to throw me a birthday party after our already amazing day out in Hogsmeade. I have no idea how they managed to put together so much but it meant a lot to me.

James gifted me a two-way mirror so we could communicate during detentions. That's the best idea he's ever had! And Moony, a.k.a, Remus (Moony is his nickname now; reasons: non-disclosable) gave me an enlarged disc containing muggle music (apparently it's called vinyl, and we need a vinyl player to listen to it). Frank says he'll find a vinyl player for the common room so everyone can listen to muggle music in general, but I have decided that I will be the first one to listen to this particular vinyl, alone. I don't think I wanna share Moony's gift with everyone right away.

I love the presents and I love my friends.

P.S. I have resigned myself to the fact that my journal entries are indeed gonna be annual and not as regular as I had initially promised and I think it's better that way. I'll be able to keep using this diary for a long long time. Until I'm withered and old and will need to use magic to write instead of my tired hands.

P.P.S. James, Moony, and I go by the name 'Marauders' now and we've made quite a name for ourselves in Hogwarts. Not something my parents would be happy about and that's exactly what makes it so much better for me.

As for Reggie, he never tries to talk to me in school and keeps his distance at family dinners, like I am an object of disgust to him. It's gonna take some getting used to, but I suppose I'll manage as long as I have James and Moony.

* * *

November 3rd, 1974

I, Sirius Black, 15, have a major crush on Moony. I know this is my birthday journal and I shouldn't be pining away here, but I cannot talk to anyone about it and will combust if I hold it in any longer. Hence, the journal.

James got lucky. He can talk about his hopeless crush on Lily all the time without any restraints and he doesn't care if she rejects him a hundred times. I can't say the same for myself. Not to be dramatic but I'd be pretty devastated if Moony ever turned me away the way Lily does James. Some girls have asked me out this year and I did go to Hogsmeade with one of them last month, but I cannot seem to get Moony out of my mind.

Not to brag but a lot of girls asked me out for the Yule Ball too but I had zero desire to be bored so I went in with Moony. In hindsight, it might not have been the best idea because going to a 'Ball Dance' and trying to dance around with Moony had me panicking throughout. Why am I such a mess when it comes to him?

Over the year, Moony has randomly brought in more muggle music for me and I have loved every single one of them. I don't know how he knows just what I'd like. He just gets it.

Frank found a vinyl player for the common room, but the seller also had another slightly broken player which he was ready to give up for free, so of course I took it and fixed it, and placed it right next to my bed. Now I can listen to music anytime I want. But mostly I'm not alone because there's Moony who loves music just as much and he often joins me and tells me all about these muggle singers I'm constantly in awe of.

For this birthday he built me a tiny shelf for my vinyl records, the keyword being 'built'. Sometimes he amazes me like that, by doing things himself that could otherwise be done quicker with magic and I love the effort he puts in for other people (even though he tries really hard to come off as this guy who doesn't give two shits about anyone, he's secretly a softie).

The birthday surprise was amazing as usual.

The Marauders' birthday parties have started to cause some real hype in the school. Even people from other houses come in too (not Slytherin though, never Slytherin).

Anyway, for my next birthday, I hope Remus just gifts himself to me. Or maybe I should stop being a little shit and ask him out. But before any of that, I have to be sure of his feelings too. So far he's been constantly giving off the vibe that he absolutely doesn't want to date anyone which means, I have a LOT to work on until my next birthday.

Merlin, it's gonna be one long year.

* * *

November 3rd, 1975

I, Sirius Black, am 16 today, and an animagus. I'm an illegal one so technically I shouldn't even be writing it down here (like I haven't in the past 2 years of attempting to be one) but my charms have gotten stronger and nobody but me has access to this journal. Anyone else who opens the journal is only going to find blank pages.

Moony, my beloved, is a werewolf (Hence the nickname Moony. Get it? The moon? The furry little problem? Yeah). James and I found out about it in our 3rd year and since then we've been trying to learn about animagi and transformation so we could keep him company on full moons and this year we finally pulled it off. My animagus form is a dog. Not that I mind but I'm beginning to think that all the people who have called me a little bitch before, might have been onto something. Except I'm not little. I'm huge and I really really really hope that idiot Snape bumps into me someday while I’m in my dog form. I'm going to scare the living daylights out of him.

James' form is a stag with huge antlers so we're calling him Prongs. We have decided to call me Padfoot, but sometimes Moony just shortens it and calls me Pads, and my insides start to melt. When and how did I become such a sap?

Anyway, I'm an absolute coward who hasn't done anything in the past year except pine from a distance. And the pining wasn't even mutual. It’s so embarrassing. I think Lily is catching up but Moony, that oblivious idiot, never notices. I'm not persistent like James so I'm not hoping for a miracle.

My birthday was cool because duh, I'm a Marauder. Prongs got me a leather jacket. Apparently, it was Lily's idea, but she still doesn't like me enough to get me something herself. But I'm glad she at least gave the suggestion to Prongsie because boy do I look smashing in it.

Moony got me a photo frame with a picture of me, Prongs, and himself and I really had to hold back tears upon seeing the picture. A little backstory: a few months ago, the three of us had got dressed in tuxedos and went to a studio to get our picture taken, as a joke, because we were that bored. In fact, I'd forgotten about the picture until today; the picture that looks more like a family portrait than any picture in the hallway of Grimmauld Place. It looks real and is currently resting on my bedside chest of drawers, right next to the vinyl player. Merlin, I'm really soft for him. Maybe I really shouldn't bother talking about my crush on him and give up on the whole confession stuff. I don't wanna ruin what we have right now.

Signing off.

* * *

November 3rd, 1976

TURNS OUT THE PINING WASN'T ONE-SIDED AFTER ALL. GUESS WHO ISN'T BITCHLESS ANYMORE? THAT'S RIGHT! ME!!!

Long story short: a few months ago on Moony's birthday, we almost had a moment I guess. His birthday party had just ended and people were slowly leaving the common room and trailing back to their respective dorms and the two of us were sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. I was tired and I almost dozed off resting my head on Moony's shoulder (!! internal screaming !!) and I think he was carding his hands through my hair (!! internal screaming intensifies !!). Anyway, a slight tug on my hair woke me up and he was like 'Don't fall asleep here let's go back to the dorm'. I will never understand what possessed me at that moment but I ended up saying, "Let's stay like this for a little while. Please." And the way he looked at me after hearing that, oh Merlin. I cannot describe it in words but it was enough to give me the confidence I'd been needing for months, and I actually pulled him closer by tugging at his shirt and I'm almost sure I'd have kissed him if Prongsie didn't choose that moment to come down looking for us. I love him to death, but at that moment, I really wanted to punch his face. The spell was broken and Moony pulled back and I faked a yawn in an attempt to be nonchalant.

But ever since then, there has been this tension between us. I think I had finally made him stop and think about things and probably recently, he finally came to a conclusion because last night at 12 after Prongs had gone back to sleep in his bed after wishing me, Moony stayed back on my bed and following some awkward small talk, actually kissed me!!

And then guess what he said?

"I hope that's okay."

Well duh, of course it's okay Moons. It's me, and it's you, so it'll always be okay.

I was too stunned to say any of it though, so I just kissed him back to make him understand that I wanted this too. That I had waited ages for this moment.

I am mad blushing as I write this. This is embarrassing.

I will not go into any further details but yeah I'm really happy today.

Another important event that happened in the past few months is that I ran away from home after last Christmas. Yes, it finally happened and I was backed by the Potters. I live with them now and I'll forever be grateful for that. On top of that Uncle Alphard had left me all his money which I could access once I turned 17, so now I'm not financially dependent on anyone (which is very important to me). Again, I shall not go into details regarding why I ran away from home because it's gonna ruin the vibe of this journal. That's something I'd rather not vent about.

Anyway, it's been better since then. The Potters take care of me. Prongs takes care of me. And Moony takes care of me. A lot. Even Lily isn't as rude. I hope things stay this way for a long long time.

Happy 17th indeed.

* * *

November 3rd, 1977

Lily and Prongs started dating this year. I wanna say I saw it coming, but that would be a lie. I think I was almost as surprised as Prongs was.

I'd thought I would be spared from Prongs ranting about Lily once they start going out and at least have the last year at school free of "Lily this"and "Lily that", but I was wrong. If anything, it has increased. But it's okay because hearing him talk about random things while the Wizarding World is slowly heading toward destruction and war is calming at times. It also seems like he's become more responsible over the past year. It suits him.

Moony and I are okay, but I'm worried about him. With the current insurgence of dark power, it feels like only a matter of time before people start coming for him. But one thing's for sure, I'll protect him with everything I have. He probably doesn't need it but the very thought of something happening to him keeps me up at night.

We've all decided to join Dumbledore once school is over to fight death eaters and You-Know-Who. I'd imagined a safe and happy future with my friends and I'm willing to fight anything that stands in its way.

I was not in the mood to celebrate my birthday but because it's my last one in school I didn't protest. We still have fun but it's overshadowed by this constant fear of something happening to the people you love. We live among enemies. We go to classes with people who might potentially join the dark side and it's hard to ignore such thoughts.

I think I would have lost my mind without Moony beside me.

I love Moony and he loves me and we've decided to live together after school is over. I don't want us to stay apart in times like this.

I genuinely feel responsible for the people around me. Maybe I really did grow up after all. We've all grown up. 11-year-old Sirius would be surprised to see 18-year-old Sirius now.

On another note, I finally lost patience with Reggie. I found him torturing younger students because they were "half-bloods" and at that moment I could see our mother in him. Nothing could have prepared me for that image of him. I interfered and overpowered him, which resulted in a burst of insults; everything that our mother would have said in that situation, word for word. Maybe I should have started fighting him from the day he started calling Remus names because of the half-blood bullshit, but Remus always used to stop me. But this time, Remus wasn't around and I was not having it. I would have fought him again if not for Prongs and Lily, who were then doing their rounds as Head Boy and Head Girl. I'm glad they stopped me though, because, despite the anger, I was too hurt and was very close to tears which is the last thing I'd have wanted Reggie to see. I never thought things would turn out like this between us.

* * *

November 3rd, 1978

School is over and I'm currently living with Moony. I feel more at ease somehow now, than when I was at school. I suppose it's because I don't feel helpless anymore. James and I started our Auror training and with every passing day we're becoming stronger. I can fight death eaters and I am capable of protecting other people. Moony couldn't join Auror training because he cannot be involved with the Ministry but he's been carrying out other missions for the Order of the Phoenix, aka the face of the fight against You-Know-Who.

My birth family, as expected, has joined the dark side. The Blacks are supposedly among the biggest supporters of You-Know-Who and I've faced immense backlash because of the name I carry.

Living with Moony is one of the only comforting things in my life right now. We've moved into a small house close to the Potters and after a whole day of meetings and missions, I am so grateful for his warmth next to me.

A lot of my friends from school joined Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix and I see them regularly. We hang out sometimes like we did today for the impromptu birthday celebration Moony put together for me. But it feels like a privilege we can't afford. Not yet. Not when death eaters are running loose and You-Know-Who is gaining power.

* * *

November 3rd, 1979

James and Lily got married at the end of last year!! And of course I was James' best man. Their getting married has given me a new sort of hope that things will be okay. They have to be. So that Moony and I can get married at some point too. And we'll all be happy. After such a shitty childhood, I deserve to be happy.

On top of everything, Lily is pregnant, which means things will have to get better very soon. James Jr. deserves to be born into a peaceful world. I am going to make sure the kid doesn't have to go through what we all did.

Moony and I don't get to spend much time together these days because of our missions and it's hard but it's a price we have to pay to secure the lives of our loved ones. Being an Auror helps me with that. I'm 20 today but I feel much much older.

* * *

November 3rd, 1980

We lost James' parents to dragon pox. They left before little Harry arrived.

Reggie is dead. So are my parents. Reasons unknown. But I'm pretty sure they got into trouble with the Ministry like most other death eaters.

Anyway, that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I have to protect James, Lily, and Harry. I won't let the war orphan him like it did James and me.

The Dark Lord is after Harry. There's apparently a bullshit prophecy that states that Harry will be able to kill him and so that moron is after a literal baby. And guess who relayed that prophecy to the Dark Lord? Fucking Snape. I knew he was bad but how evil do you have to be to do something like that?

James and Lily are to go into hiding and I am to be their secret keeper. Dumbledore said he might change the secret keeper because everyone is going to suspect that I know about it. After all, I'm close to them and if I get captured, they might torture me to get their location out of me. I know I won't give in to torture but we're trying not to take any risks.

It's not going to be Moony either. Dumbledore has sent him on a lot of missions to try and bring other dark creatures to our side and every time Moony comes back from those missions, he seems a little different. I find it hard to communicate with him these days. It might be my paranoia speaking but I am not ready to take any risks. Moreover, after me, Remus is going to be the prime suspect of being the secret keeper. So we can't risk that. I've relayed as much to Dumbledore and we will be choosing someone unsuspecting.

Turning 21 was supposed to be fun but 'fun' is something I can't even imagine anymore when I go to work every morning and round up death eater after death eater or when I find myself staring frozen at the occasional familiar name on the list of casualties.

It seems stupid to write all this down in a journal but my head will explode if I cannot vent about all that goes on in my head, so in a way, I'm glad this journal exists.

* * *

November 3rd, 1995

It's hard to believe that this journal still exists and that it has been 15 years since my last entry. I showed it to Moony yesterday and he said I should try writing again. Might be good to vent. So here goes,

I turned 36 today. But James and Lily aren't here to see me now.

We lost them to the war 14 years ago.

I couldn't save them but I wanted to rescue and take in their son, Harry, my godchild. But I couldn't even do that because I was convicted of murder. They really went ahead and put me on trial for the murder of my best friends and everyone just stood and watched. Funny how easy it was for all of them to forget that James and I were brothers once they looked at the cursed name I carried : Black.

I'm ashamed to admit that I had suspected Remus of being a spy. That I had distrusted him which led to the real spy taking advantage of it. That spy, who of all people had ended up becoming the Secret Keeper for James and Lily and consequently revealed their location to You-Know-Who, who reached them and they sacrificed their lives to protect little Harry…

I don't think I can write at length about the plethora of emotions I have on this subject. It still hurts to think about it.

You-know-who too died that night supposedly but he's back now and we are approaching another war, hopefully to end things for good this time, and I swear on my life, I'll protect the ones I love. I couldn't save James and Lily but I won't let anything happen to Harry. Moony and I will see to that.

I had been shipped off to Azkaban and I stayed there for 12 years until I made my escape 2 years ago. I will not go into details about that either, for the sake of my sanity.

Speaking of people I love, it took some time, but I think Moony and I have been able to navigate through our misunderstandings. I've altered the spell on the journal so Moony can have access to it too if he wants. This journal is possibly the only keepsake we have of our childhood together. I told him that he may read it some years down the line.

About Harry, I don't know where to start. I love that kid to death and I'll never forgive all the people who made his life this miserable. If I had known the kind of life my Godson was forced to lead, I'd have made my escape sooner and rescued him. Both Moony and I had been under the impression that he was taken care of, so he stayed away from Harry's life and I thought about him from a distance. There's only one person I'm blaming for this - Dumbledore. We were stupid for entrusting him with everything.

One day, when the war is over, I hope we can all live in peace. Harry, Moony, and me. But for now, I'm just really worried because Harry always has this tendency to dive head-first into trouble and I'm too scared to lose him. I'll have to give him some serious talk soon.

About James and Lily, it feels like I'm being repeatedly stabbed with a dagger every time I try to talk about them. When we were in school, James used to say that he hoped he'd never have to outlive any of us. That he couldn't handle the thought of being left behind. Who knew his words would come true like that? It's been 14 years but the wounds are as fresh as ever. Some grief, you aren't supposed to move on from.

Anyway, time to wrap it up. Harry and his friends are going to come over in the evening to see me and I'm so thankful for the time I get to spend with him. And Moony.

P.S. Moony if you ever decide to read this, know that I love you. That I have always loved you. That I spent every moment in Azkaban regretting my decisions. I'm sorry that I let my paranoia get the better of me and blindsight me to all that I held dear. I hope you can forgive me.

* * *

November 3rd, 1996

I'm not sure I can do this but I think it would be wrong to not continue this birthday journal.

Sirius.

How could you do this to me? To Harry?

How could you leave us a second time?

The war is still going on but your absence is eating me up from the inside. Every place I go, screams your name. We were all supposed to survive the war, you idiot. You were supposed to continue writing in this journal till you were old and withered. You can't just not keep your word.

Just when I'd finally made peace with your long absence, you came back into my life and made me realise that I never truly had moved on. How can I go through that again? I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not again. Not when you did not spend enough time with me. We've been apart longer than we were together and I hate it.

Harry has been inconsolable and more reckless than ever. Losing you really shook him to the core and I don't know what to tell him when I can't even deal with this myself. I'm losing my mind at the suddenness of it all. All I can do is keep fighting so more people don't have to lose their loved ones. The fight at the Ministry was like fuel to the fire and the war is on the way to reach full scale soon. I don't know if I'll survive this but I do know that I will ensure the safety of as many as I can.

Against my better judgement, I did end up reading your whole journal, and Pads it hurts. It hurts so much. The way I'd give anything to get back our time together in school.

To get back James, Lily, and you.

Come back.

I think it was cruel of you people to leave me alone, to make me arrange and attend all your funerals, to make me go through all this heartbreaking ordeal. To leave me nothing but your gravestones to talk to. There's only so much grief I can hold.

You just wait till I see you again.

I remember you saying that 'Dust thou art, to dust returnest' only applied to us 'earthlings' and that you'd just go back to the star you came from. It sounded like a harmless joke in school but now I just hope I can reach you wherever you are, Pads.

I cannot continue any further but I'm somewhat relieved I could add one more entry to this, that this journal could have a closure.

Happy Birthday Pads. I Love You. And goodbye I'll see you soon.

Yours forevermore,

Moony.

🌙💫

A/N: I won't say that this song inspired the whole fic but towards the end I thought that the grief I wanted to portray with this fic resonated perfectly with how this song makes me feel so I listened to it again and it kinda helped me articulate things better.

And this is the cover I was obsessively listening to while writing the last entry :

P.S. To anyone struggling with grief and loss right now, I hope that you can be okay eventually. And I hope that it can get better someday soon , if not now. Please take care.

My Other Works

[hindahoney]

Do you have any tips for eating kosher food when it's not easily available to you? It's slightly easier cause I don't eat meat but its very hard and I'd like help

To anyone who wants to eat kosher, my most important advice is to start slow. It's a process. If you cut out everything at once you will get overwhelmed and quit.

My first advice is to only eat things with a hechsher on it. Because you don't eat meat, it's already significantly easier for you. The problem is finding dairy with a hechsher, especially cheese. A lot of cheeses are made with rennet, which is a part of the animal we are forbidden to eat. This is why a lot of cheese chips and snacks aren't kosher, even if they seem like they should be (doritos were SO hard to let go of for me, and I'll never forgive Sunchips for removing their hechsher). A lot of foods also have non kosher dyes that were made with insect shells, the same with sodas. Additionally, checking produce for any bugs is always a good idea!!! Even produce in grocery chains are likely to contain little bugs. I promise once you start checking, you'll see them. So many products are full of chemicals that were created with non-kosher ingredients or in non-kosher facilities, so the best way to ensure you're not accidentally consuming them is to just eat hechsher products.

For people who do eat meat, however, you can still eat most fish because it's considered pareve. Chicken used to be in this category, though this was changed over time by rabbis who noticed that people began thinking of chicken as meat. The argument proposed is that the Torah says "Thou shall not boil a kid in its mother's milk," and since chickens don't produce milk, this prohibition does not apply. Rabbis would say that the spirit of the law means it does. It is up to you whether you want to agree with the rabbis about this. For me, when I first started keeping kosher, I would allow myself to eat chicken, before I slowly removed it from my diet to abide by the rabbinical ruling. I also think the spirit of the law should apply to eating eggs and chicken (though eggs are pareve) together, if we are prohibiting eating an animal with its potential child. But I'm not aware of any rabbis who have said this (but jews talk about everything so they're probably out there.)

Eating meat or cheese plant-based hechshered substitutes are also acceptable, depending on your movement. For me personally, I will eat hechshered meat substitutes, and this satiates my cravings for meat until I can get kosher meat. Gardein is a good brand, and so is Morning Star, and I'm sure other countries have their own brands. The argument against eating meat substitutes was that the appearance of an observant jew eating what looks to be a cheeseburger could cause other observant Jews to believe the laws around kashrut have changed, leading them to break kosher. This law made more sense back then, but now I'm not so convinced, but that's up to you to decide. Eventually, I see myself no longer eating meat substitutes once I live in an area with a kosher market, but for now this has to do.

Work your way up to waiting between meat and milk. The time varies, I've heard anything from one to eight hours.

Make sure to crack your eggs in a separate clear container to check for blood. It's not common, but it happens.

Eating vegan or vegetarian while you're out is a decent compromise in the beginning until you feel ready to let go of restaurants.

Lastly, have a little non-kosher food send off. Before you start your journey, eat your favorite non kosher food and then say goodbye to it forever, at least until you can find a way to make it kosher. Eating kosher is hard. But it's a reminder of the covenant between yourself and HaShem. When you eat kosher foods, the belief is that whatever animal was used in the making has now served a higher purpose.

If anyone else has tips on how to start keeping kosher, or ways that help you, feel free to share!

[kerorowhump]

something interesting that I just realized doesn't really happen in jp (at least comparing this clip directly) is how much Dororo repeats that he's a "soldier with no honor and no past"? catchphrase level almost (he does it in other eps too)

giroro doesn't say "you're...", he says "that's incredible!"

dororo introduces himself with "friends...! ...actually, not anymore. I can't consider you that anymore."

fuyuki says "the missing alien" not "the fifth one"

natsumi says "so he's been living with koyuki all this time?"

keroro says "Ah, I'm so happy to see you again! Yessir!" (that's his vocal quirk instead of であります) giroro says "welcome back with us!" which is a bit different from "I'm so glad you're safe"

keroro says "I'm over the moon from happiness, we were so worried!!"

the resonance they do is often called with a "concerto" name which I'm not sure if it's in the og too or not, it's not always N°3 like here, I recall it being N°4 sometimes... (I'd have to check!)

dororo says "I can't join you." instead of "I respectfully refuse."

"I'm nothing but a soldier with no honor and no past, my name is not Zeroro anymore. It's Dororo."

"I have to leave you now... goodbye forever, ex-sergeant Keroro." "Ex?"

"Oh, he left a note... eh?" "It's a farewell note."

"W-What? He doesn't want anything to do with us anymore? But... I don't get the reason..."

"Well, you have to admit you didn't put too much effort into finding him, sergeant." (they equally share blame in the og... he's blaming keroro here, lol 😭 unintentionally feeds me)

"Yeah, you're right, I was careless (/didn't worry) about that." (a bit different from forgetting like the og! but I kinda like the mean-er way it paints keroro, he is a bit selfish with dororo after all. I also like that he swiftly accepts blame. something he does quite often in the dub I've noticed...)

"Right, we made a mistake, we behaved badly."

"Lady Koyuki, this soldier without honor is grateful for all you've done for him." "Do you really want to abandon your mates (/friends)?" "I must. I only have one purpose now, to protect this planet." (grateful has a deeper connotation in italian, so it is more similar to "no words can express my thanks" like the og, it kinda means to owe a debt, more specifically) (also idk how it is in eng but in italian -dono got adapted to "lady" and "mister", and for aki it's "royal mother")

[canonicallyanxious]

2022 top 10 lists

my favorite end of year tradition is making lists and trying so hard to remember literally anything i've put into my ears and eyeballs

top 10 discovered songs

note: not all 2022 releases, though a lot are

The Last Goodbye feat. Bettye LaVette - ODESZA (aka the most song of all time)

Nobody Speak feat. Run The Jewels - DJ Shadow (shoutout to my irl best friend for showing me this tour de force of a music video. this song was my top spotify track of the year also go figure)

Dynasties & Dystopia - Denzel Curry, Gizzle, Bren Joy (truly the entire Arcane soundtrack slaps from start to finish)

Dance Now - JID, Kenny Mason (really challenging to pick only one track from JID's album for this list ftr, runner ups for me include Kody Blu 31 and Better Days)

Freaks - ATARASHII GAKKO!! & Warren Hue

Violence - POLIÇA

Running Back To You feat. RebMoe - Holiday87

Star Walkin' - Lil Nas X (TWO league of legends songs on this list???!?!??!?!?! unfortunately LoL does make absolute bangin tracks and that is not my fault)

Pretend feat. Kota the Friend - pluko

Better Days - Mr Little Jeans (at least one song called Better Days made this list I guess lol)

top 10 albums

note: as per tradition these are all 2022 releases babey! also REALLY challenging to narrow down this list, quite a few i had to cut, so this list is entirely based on personal preference - could have gone differently if i'd gone for a best albums list rather than sarah's favorite albums list

The Last Goodbye - ODESZA (congrats to ODESZA for topping both of my music lists this year, honestly a difficult feat)

Forever Story - JID (if this list was based on what I think were objectively the best albums of the year I think this one would probably top the list, just an immaculate record from start to finish)

Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers - Kendrick Lamar

Laurel Hell - Mitski

Hold the Girl - Rina Sawayama

The Family - Brockhampton (honestly crazy that i listed a BH album this far down on the list this year but since it was a fairly late release i had a lot less time to get attached to it, also imo BH's best albums ever are Ginger and Roadrunner so really hard to follow up on those but i still think this and TM are killer records)

Brighter Future 2 - Big Gigantic

Hideous - Oliver Sim

<COPINGMECHANISM> - WILLOW

NO THANK YOU - Little Simz (a bit of a last-minute addition to the list, big rip to Superorganism whose "World Wide Pop" would have taken this last spot if Little Simz had not dropped absolute fire like three weeks before the end of the year)

top 10 movies/shows

Everything Everywhere All At Once dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert

Everything Everywhere All At Once dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert

Everything Everywhere All At Once dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert (i watched this movie three times this year don't @ me)

Arcane: Season 1 (I believe this is the only item on this list that isn't a 2022 release)

Dimension 20: A Starstruck Odyssey

Dimension 20: A Court of Fey and Flowers (am i allowed to put two seasons from the same show on this list? well i listed eeaao three times so i do whatever i want sorry about it)

Fire Island dir. Andrew Ahn

Our Flag Means Death: Season 1

What We Do in the Shadows: Season 4

Luca dir. Enrico Casarosa (never mind this is the other item on this list that isn't a 2022 release)

[petits--oiseaux]

In Deanna fashion, this will be rambly lol. A long winded story of sleeping over at J's place yesterday.

First thing's first, a weekish ago, J asked me if I wanted to spend the night. I told him that I am not good at sleepovers (which is true); I can never get comfortable, the circumstances are never quite right, and it takes me forever to fall asleep. This was before I knew he was moving and before he said he would come to visit me on weekends if we want to keep seeing each other when he leaves. Yesterday, I started thinking about how I've told him I don't like sleepovers and, omg does that mean he doesn't think I'd absolutely visit him, too?? So then I thought about for the rest of the day and how I would tell him that I am totally willing to visit him. I didn't want it sound presumptuous so I didn't want to just blurt it out, I wanted there to be a natural way to say it. WELL the other day he sent a screenshot of a text with his parents and how they are going to MKE to do apartment searching on Saturday. He mentioned yesterday that his parents were coming down for the whole weekend and I thought AHA! So last night I asked "Oh, am I remembering correctly that the screenshot said you're going apartment hunting on Saturday?" And he said yeah... we're going down to look in mke. This was my in... I texted him "You know, I was thinking today that learning to get better at sleepovers wouldn't be the worst thing... I have a friend who just moved to MKE, too." (true) He hearted it :) then said he would help me practice lol

I got home last night around 9:30 after being with family. When I got home, I showered, smoked, and then was getting ready for bed. He messaged and asked when I was thinking we could try the sleepover. I originally said next week sometime. Then he said, "What about tonight? I can pay for an uber" At this point I am STONED as FUCK lol and I'm like... I think I want to do it. But, I didn't want to be in a car with a stranger with how stoned I was. I told him that and he said he'd come pick me up and bring me over. And he did. I brought my fan with me because I need it to sleep, lol, and he didn't even judge me. We had stoned sex and it was AMAZING. When we were getting ready to go to sleep, he asked me when I'd like him to go to sleep. I told him he could sleep whenever... but he said, "No, I know you have trouble falling asleep other places so I'll wait for you to fall asleep first". LIKE WHAT. Then this morning he took his dog for a walk. He started getting ready, so I started getting dressed and he said that I didn't need to get ready to leave; I could stay in bed while he took the dog (I did ask if he wanted company on the walk or if he wanted it to just be him and the doggo and he said he'd like time with the dog which is legit). I just chilled in his cozy bed and then he got back. Since he had offered to pay for an uber last night, I wasn't 100% sure if he was giving me a ride home or not, but he didn't say anything so I assumed I didn't need to get an uber. Which I didn't :) He drove me home and he kissed me goodbye! This part made me especially happy because I also am not sure how situationships work with that kind of shit, so I'm happy to know this one works that way <3

TBH this is probably the most spontaneous thing I've ever done, which feels sorta sad but whatever lol! But I'm honestly really proud of myself and I'm very happy that I went. I did not sleep well, as I expected, but I don't regret going. I feel very positive about everything today!

[raichukaiju]

I've been trying almost too hard to make what I what I wanted to say about The Magnus Archives into the perfectly worded eloquent essay, but if I stay on that train of thought then I'll never get anything written, so I'm giving myself permission to make it a bunch of jumbled dot points. It's me writing down my feelings, not a graded essay. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be out of my head and on the page.

I have put it under a cut though since it's going to get long and I don't want to clog up people's dashes.

Before that though I really have to say thank you to @petticoat-swashbuckler for insisting that I listen to The Magnus Archives in the first place and then for letting me message you my live reactions to almost every episode (some at some truly awful hours), and thank you @jonnywaistcoat and everyone at Rusty Quill for the story you created that will always be a powerful gift and experience that I'll treasure forever~💚

Now Statement Begins let's go~ ⤵️

Never has a character spoken to my heart like Martin Blackwood. I see SO much of myself in him, even - especially - the messy parts. But he grows, he learns to set boundaries and take up space and stand up for himself, even if sometimes it's one-step-forward-two-steps-back sort of thing. But watching that character growth happen, as someone trying so hard with similar issues - it gives me a lot of hope for my own future. Also the fact that he's canonically fat and people celebrate that in fan art means so much, it's really helping me learn to love my body more, seeing this character I'm so close to drawn so often with a body like mine!!

Bouncing off that a bit, Recollection (ep 170) is the first episode that made me truly cry - full on sobbing on the couch, no exaggeration - and also feel a nauseous kind of fear rather than spooked or squicked, because it was so real. I get stuck in that fog too, more than I'd care to admit, and the way those emotions and experiences were layed out in that episode really hit hard. Martin's firm declaration "I am not lonely anymore" is something I'm carrying forward with me as a mantra. I'm not alone, I'm not lonely, I have friends who love me and want to see me get better and even in the thickest of fog, I will find a way out and back to them, back to myself. The temptation to eventually get that quote tattooed somewhere is very strong.

The fact that Jon is canonically asexual still makes my heart swell to bursting to think about - even if it isn't a major part of the story, it still means the world to me to have that representation, especially in a character so dear to my heart

Jon just means so much to me in general. I don't relate to him quite as heavily as I do Martin, but I still see connections. Though mostly when I think about Jon, to me he's my friend. He's my friend and I love him and I trust him and the podcast ending - aside from breaking my heart with what happened - felt like saying a goodbye I wasn't ready for to someone dear to me.

TMA is a story about a lot of things, but a big thing to me is that it's a story about choices. About how even decisions made with good intentions can still have negative consequences, but that doesn't make you a bad person. That making a decision at all can be just as important (if not more-so) as what you end up choosing. That don't have to make all the hard decisions alone. It's definitely something I needed to hear.

I've started slowly working on my fear of ants/swarms thanks to the Corruption episodes, so that's something!! (I did skip half of Pest Control (ep 55) and read the transcript of the rest though, it was making me want to crawl out of my skin. But I listened to Like Ants (ep 184) all the way through so yay for progress)

Speaking of the Fears, I'd absolutely serve the Vast!! Space, the deep sea and giant monsters don't scare me, though I definitely can the horror element in them. But to me, they're fascinating because of all of the potential there, all the beauty to see and learn about!! In that regard, I'm also certainly marked by the Eye - I need to know things! I love learning and researching and there's just so much in the world to discover and I know realistically I can never learn everything, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try. Another friend of mine said I was seeking a "Vastness of Knowledge" when we were talking about it and that's definitely an apt description!!

The existential side of the Vast does scare me though, that idea of cosmic insignificance is terrifying. I definitely agree with what Martin said to Simon - "I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever." - even if we're only here for a short time in the scheme of things, what we do in that time still matters because it's ours, and we still make an impact that ripples out even when we're gone.

It's re-sparked my interest in wanting to write horror (honestly just my desire to write in general) and reminded me how much I genuinely enjoy horror as a genre - it's just something easier for me to consume as a written or audio medium than a visual one, that doesn't mean I don't or can't enjoy it at all! Jonny's manner of storytelling is so compelling, and his descriptions - especially the statements in season five - have really lit a fire in me to up my game and work on my own creations

"Feed it, fearlessly and without hesitation, or it will feed on you" I know Jude Perry was talking literally about feeding the Fears, but this one stuck with me thinking about the idea of working on/with the things that scare me - "feeding" them - rather than letting them consume me. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but in my head it does and it's helpful to me which is the main thing.

Seriously The Magnus Archives has been so good for me in terms of helping me rethink/reframe a lot of my fear, anxiety and trauma. I'm so grateful for that, and even if it's hard to articulate (seriously not sure where to begin explaining it to my psych), it's something special to carry with me and help me push through. Part of me wishes I'd gotten into the show a lot sooner, but at the same time I think it truly came into my life when I needed it most and would get the most from it.

..... Ok once I started writing this was actually easier to get through than I initially thought it would be. I've still got a lot I want to talk about, but most of it would probably just end up being me posting quotes that ruined me and explaining why. But if anyone wants to talk about any aspect of TMA with me, please drop into my inbox!!! I'm usually better at answering questions than I am being left to ramble directionless (it's why I like writing essays so much, it's easier to keep focused on what information I'm presenting) and I'm not going to tire of talking about this series any time soon!!!

[stormyoceans]

weekly show reviews

BL SERIES

between us - ep. 12/12. gotta be honest, any coherent thoughts i might have had just flew out of the window because of waantul. i do think their resolution was incredibly rushed, but it's hard to complain about it when tul was there saying stuff like "can you be my future?" and "i want to be your safe zone". waan never stood a chance. and you know what else never stood a chance? my sanity as soon as waan started to take off tul's clothes, but let's just not go there. it was a nice final episode, where all the pairings got their little moment to shine, but im not sure i'd call it satisfying ;;;;;; overall i think the show as a whole would have benefited from being shorter (10 episodes would have been enough imho) and from taking out at least one side pairing. don't get me wrong, it's not a bad show, i still enjoyed it a lot, but at times it felt pretty repetitive and i think the resolution between win and team got dragged along way too much. the insanely high expectations that everyone had for the show also didn't really help it. still, winteam remains one of the best pairings i've seen in BLs and im definitely gonna miss them.

candy color paradox - ep. 06/08. this is probably the first japanese BL that isn't quite doing it for me and i can't really explain why. despite the terrible things he did, during this episode i found myself being more interested in inami kei and his secret love for his friend rather than in onoe and kaburagi's relationship, which.. isn't good ;;;;;; i still hope the last two episodes will make me come around tho!!

cutie pie 2 you - ep. 04/04. THEY GAVE JAYFOEI THE MOST PERFECT HALF INTERACTION THAT IM GONNA USE TO FUEL MY CLOWNERY FOREVER SO I REALLY COULDN'T BE MORE SATISFIED WITH THIS. like it happened with the show, i still found jay, foei, and nueasyn to be the most enjoyable part of it, but i actually ended up liking this special significantly more than the last couple of episodes of the main series, maybe because there was more communication between lian and kuea, so im glad it happened, even just so i could say goodbye to the show with nicer feelings towards it!!! i also really liked the way they shot the last scene, because it suddenly felt more like a korean BL rather than a thai one, but im not an expert on this, so i could just be talking out of my ass ;;;;;;

history 5: love in the future - ep. 05/10. somewhere in this there's a plot i really like (time travels are the kind of things i tend to enjoy, just like timeloops), so it makes me incredibly sad that i can't quite click with this show. dai zhe ni and hai yi are a bit too chaotic for my taste, and there are some old tropes that i was hoping we were moving away from. im enjoying the side pairing a bit more, mainly because i find wen hsen very charming and adorable when he drops his composure as soon as huai hen isn't there to see him, but they still suffer from some questionable writing, especially in this episode.

i will knock you - ep. 11/12. PAIN SUFFERING TORMENT AGONY ANGUISH. CAN'T BELIEVE EVEN MY FEEL GOOD SHOW COULDN'T ESCAPE THE 11 EPISODE CURSE. of course noey doesn't really mean what he said and im pretty sure someone (maybe thiw?) said something to him to make him change his mind in the short time it took thi to talk to his mom on the phone, but IT STILL HURTS AND THEY WERE SO MEAN TO HAVE THI DANCE ALONE IN THE END CREDITS. THEY BETTER GIVE THEM THEIR HAPPY ENDING OR I WILL RIOT. im willing to forgive some of their crimes only because they gave me a hint of side lesbians AND THAT'S EVERYTHING TO ME.

individual circumstances - ep. 03+04/08. im honestly not sure how i feel about this show ;;;;;; i do spend most of the time being frustrated and yelling JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER at my screen, though, so.. maybe that's not good ;;;;;; i do like the use of the novel as a way to mirror their story and give us a glimpse into woo jae's thoughts, however most of the time i find it hard to sympathize with him. the interactions between the manager and yeon woo in ep 4 were actually far more interesting and entertaining to me ;;;;;;;

my school president - ep. 08/12. THESE KIDS CONTINUE TO BE UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL TO WATCH AND GIVE ME INSANE AMOUNT OF SEROTONIN. OH TINN'S FANTASIES, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU. however, as funny as they are, i appreciate how the real moments he shares with gun always end up being better and more significant for their relationship. they really have one of the healthiest dynamic i've ever seen and are probably gonna ruin me for any other pairing because now im just gonna expect the same kind of emotional maturity from all characters in existence. win and sound also have me by the throat, but then again i always enjoy a good enemies/rivals to friends to lovers when it's done right. sound also quickly climbed up my list of favorite characters and i think his friendship with gun is really cute. GUN AND HIS MOM MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SO GOOD IT MAKES ME TEAR UP EVERY TIME. i just hope tinn's mom is gonna be as understanding when she's gonna find out that tinn lied to her (which, btw, i don't blame tinn for: if a kid doesn't feel comfortable and safe talking to their mom, then that's on the parent, not the child).

never let me go - ep. 07/10(?). palmnueng is making me rabid. benchopper is making me rabid. this entire show is making me rabid in ways i can't really explain. i do understand the criticisms about the plot, but i personally don't mind the island getaway: when set roles and social classes play a big part in a relationship dynamic, having the characters being placed somewhere where those kind of rules aren't as strong is a pretty common narrative device to put them on a more equal ground and bring them together. i also think they are gonna pay the consequences for it, because im pretty sure that sadly tanya is going to die, which will make nueng reject palm, so im willing to overlook some stuff if it means letting them have some temporary happiness. or maybe im just biased because i find every single dynamic in this show incredibly compelling ;;;;;;; im pretty sure the final kiss is gonna enter my list of favorites of the year because it was SO GOOD and i absolutely loved the parallels with their first one.

the new employee - ep. 06/07(?). GROWN ASS MEN BEING CUTE AND IN LOVE WILL ALWAYS BE SUCH A WEAKNESS FOR ME. "do you want to see my cat?" is also quite possibly the best pick up line i've ever heard. im very glad it didn't turn out to be an euphemism ;;;;;; something tells me that the reason seung hyun wasn't hired is probably linked to what's making jong chan looking kinda worried when he's at work, so i wonder how they're gonna deal with it. viki is listing only 7 episodes instead of the 8 on mdl, which means the next one is gonna be the last and im not quite ready to say goodbye to them.

GL SERIES

gap - ep. 10/12. the final boss made her move so IT'S TIME TO KILL AN OLD LADY. in an unexpected turn of the events, nop has also become the most sensible character in the show. who would have thought. i do wish mon and sam would stop defaulting on running away and getting jealous as soon as an issue arises, but im glad they actually managed to communicate this time around. and i do think they got married (however symbolical it may be) a bit too soon, if i have to be honest, but im also fully aware that there are a lot of things im willing to overlook for their sake. at 49 minutes length, this was also the shortest episode of the series up until now, so it's making me wonder if it's because they cut a lot of teeyuki scenes. im still trying to understand why they even decided to cut them out tbh, but at least we got cher and risa.

OTHER SERIES

dirty laundry - ep. 03+04/06. i admit i liked the first two episodes a bit more, but the show is still insanely funny while also having a solid plot: the mystery of who took the briefcase is well done and pretty entertaining imho. the entire cast is also doing a fantastic job, but i have to admit film in particular keeps surprising me with each episode. maybe it's because the only roles i saw her in before this were eugene in not me and earn in 2gether, but i didn't expect her to be so insanely good at comedy. i love to watch her play as neon and im starting to like her and night together a lot!!!

the warp effect - ep. 07/12. i was expecting what happened to kat and yet it still was incredibly distressing to watch. i do ship her and jean quite a lot, but honestly i just hope she's gonna be okay and that they won't make her change her mind about relationships by the end of the show, because women have every right to just have fun and stay single if that's what they want. i'd actually be okay with jean ending up with tony (if he doesn't turn out to be an asshole too), but sadly i don't have much hope for it. jan and silvy have great chemistry and are doing an amazing job as nim and molly, and the same goes for fluke and thor as army and joe. im not sure if they're going down the asexual joe route, or the joe being side route, but either way it makes sense for him to not tell army about it since army seems to consider penetrative sex as more 'serious'. after what happened it's understandable that he would try to protect himself and his heart again, so i can't wait for army to surprise him (and us) positively on this!!!! a huge shout out to singh and ciize as well, they were AMAZING in that last scene, though i admit it was pretty frustrating to watch ew walking straight into disaster when he 1) knew what he was risking and that he was in the wrong, and 2) could have just talked!!!!! to liu!!!!! IM SERIOUS PLEASE JUST TALK TO YOUR PARTNER MAYBE IT WON'T SOLVE STUFF AND MAYBE YOU'LL BOTH DECIDE YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH OTHER PEOPLE BUT YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE. also there's something shady about liu's boss and i don't like it one bit.