#i mean i am glad it was diagnosed quickly but. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lemonnsss · 5 months ago

Text

Moral of the Story: Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry I took so long posting this, a family friend got diagnosed with terminal cancer and my grandpa died soooo… coping with humor right now.

Feedback is always appreciated!

MotS Masterlist

Taglist: @vicmc624 , @mostlymarvelgirl,@yvonneeeee, @beetlejuicesupremacy , @moonlightreader649 , @whattheduckisupkyle , @chrisevans-realwife , @nekoannie-chan , @mrsbarnes32557038 , @imyourbratzdoll , @weallhaveadestiny, @oldsoulmagic

Word Count: 2.3k

Steve and I walked onto the bridge. Three people stood out, with no sign of Tony.

"I see you found the runaway," the red-haired woman spoke.

"They weren't too far off. Only the other side of the plane." Steve replied, an air of laughter in his voice

"Well, it wasn't intentional," I said, perhaps a bit too defensively.

"At least I'm not the only one getting lost." A brunette man commented.

"Guess not. Oh- I'm Mr. Stark's secretary, Mx. Eirsson, Kyrie Eirsson."

"Eir? So you are a healer, no?" The tall blonde said expectantly.

"No, not really." I'm starting this off with a lie, lovely.

"Ledan Eirsson, I am Thor, son of Odin, Prince of Asgard." He extended his hand, a warm smile on his face.

"Prince...?" I worriedly glanced at Steve.

I looked back when Prince Sunshine over there started laughing, "Yes, although I would prefer if you called me Thor, just Thor."

"Pleasure to meet you, Thor."

Steve placed a hand on my shoulder, "That's Natasha," he gestured to the redhead which she promptly responded to with a curt smile, "she doesn't talk much."

And then there was one. He didn't notice until Natasha nudged him in the side.

"Oh, um. I'm Dr. Banner."

"Pleasure to meet'cha, Doc." A sound came from under the table, Steve quickly found a tablet with what seemed to be live footage from Loki's cage.

By the time I heard the first comprehendible piece of what Fury was saying my attention was grabbed by the hatch underneath Loki's cage being opened.

"Thirty-thousand feet down in a steel trap. You get how that works?" Fury closes the hatch with a press of a button on the control panel.

Fury outstretched his arm, gesturing to Loki, "Ant," then pointing to the control panel, "boot."

Loki smirked, "It's an impressive cage." he looked into the camera, "Not built, I think, for me."

"Built for something a lot stronger than you."

"Oh, I've heard."

The doctor seemed very tense, for what reason- I didn't know.

"The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man." Loki sauntered towards the camera, "How desperate are you that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you?"

“How desperate am I?” Fury set a hand on his hip, agitation growing in his voice, “You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can’t hope to control. You talk about peace and you kill ‘cause it’s fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did.”

“Ooh. It burns you to come so close.” Loki began taunting Fury, “To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power.” Loki smirked into the camera, “And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is.”

Fury forced a smile, “Well, let me know if ‘Real Power’ wants a magazine or something.”

Our room falls into an uncomfortable silence.

Fury walked away saying, “Well, let me know if ‘Real Power’ wants a magazine or something.”

“He really grows on you, doesn’t he?”

"Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what’s his play?”

Thor seemed distant as he responded, “He has an army called the Chitauri. They are not of Asgard or of any world known.” The Prince walked back to the table, “He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect for the Tesseract.”

“An army? From outer space?” Steve seemed to question what the fuck he’d been dragged into.

“He’s building another portal. That’s what he needs Erik Selvig for.”

Erik who?

“Selvig?” Why does Thor recognize this guy's name?

“He’s an astrophysicist.” The doctor explained.

“He’s a friend.” Thor asserted.

“Loki has him under some kind of spell, ”Natasha looked away, “along with one of ours.”

She really does speak. More importantly, she’s familiar with the agent Loki brainwashed.

“I wanna know why Loki let us take him.”

“I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him.” Banner was pushing it.

“Have care how you speak.” Thor said, anger rising in his voice, “Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother.”

So the Prince is a himbo with a temper, good to know.

“He killed eighty people in two days.” Oh.

“...He's adopted.” Ah, yes. That changes everything.

“Does he pose any threat? Just because he’s in a cage doesn’t mean he’s harmless.” I didn’t know if I’d just asked a dumbass question but it’s better to ask than have that as an unknown variable.

“No. There’s no way out from the inside, besides that, it’s built to withstand more than he can throw at it.” Natasha answered, seemingly knowing more than the rest.

“Iridium, what did they need Iridium for?”

Tony walked in, “It’s a stabilizing agent. Oh, Kyrie, been lookin’ for ‘ya.”

“Hey, Tony. Coulson?!” I got up and walked over to them, a beaming smile plastered on my face, “I had no idea you’d be here!”

Phil placed a hand on my shoulder, “I would have let you know if I had a way to contact you.”

“Guess I’m chopped liver.” Tony feigned hurt, before whispering the next bit, “Anyways, I’ll fly you there. Keep the love alive.” He spoke at full volume again, “Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. Also, it means the portal can open as wide, and stay open as long, as Loki wants.”

Tony walked over to what I can assume is Fury’s position on the Bridge, “Uh, raise the mid-mast, ship the topsails.” The crew looked at Tony like he’d grown a second head, “That man is playing GALAGA! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.” Tony covered one eye and looked around, “How does Fury do this?”

“He turns.” A female agent responded.

I looked at Phil, a light whisper escaping my lips, “Who is she?”

He leaned in, “That’s Agent Hill, sh’s Fury’s right hand.”

“Mhm… thank you.” I gave him a small smile.

Coulson grinned in response, “Never a problem.”

“Well, that sounds exhausting,” Tony said in the most annoying voice he could get away with. “Agent Barton can get his hands on pretty much easily. Only major component he still needs is a power source. A high energy density, something to kick start the cube.”

Agent Hill spoke again, “When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?”

“Last night.” That I could attest to, “The packet, Selvig's notes, the Extraction Theory papers.” It’s always funny when Tony speaks seriously, most of the time I forget he’s a genius, “Am I the only one who did the reading?”

“No, you made me read them too.” I said with a pointed tone.

“Anyone else?” Tony said practically ignoring my comment.

“Does Loki need any particular kind of power source?”

“He's got to heat the cube to a hundred and twenty million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.“

Ah, yes, words.

“Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunneling effect.”

“Well, if he could do that he could achieve Heavy Ion Fusion at any reactor on the planet.”

Wow, those two were made for each other.

“Finally, someone who speaks English.”

Steve looked around, “Is that what happened?”

Tony and the doctor shook hands, “It's good to meet you, Dr. Banner. Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.”

Banner looked down, “Thanks.”

“Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube. I was hoping you might join him.” Fury says as he walks in.

“Let's start with that stick of his. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a HYDRA weapon.” Steve had an obvious bias and curiosity.

“I don't know about that, but it is powered by the cube. And I'd like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.”

“Monkeys? I do not understand-”

“-I do. I understood that reference.” Thor was cut off by Steve, obviously excited by the fact he understood some of our jargon.

“Shall we play, Doctor?” Tony asked.

“Let’s play some.” Banner responded.

After I waved to Phil I followed Tony and the doctor out of the bridge, hoping to not get lost again.

I had been sitting in a spare chair in the “Science Bro’s” lab for what felt like an eternity. Man, I regret not taking advanced science courses in uni.

“The gamma readings are definitely consistent with Selvig's reports on the Tesseract. But it's gonna take weeks to process.” Bruce, as I had learned, said.

“If we bypass their mainframe and direct a reroute to the Homer cluster, we can clock this around six hundred teraflops.” Tony replied.

The two of them had gotten into a groove. The sounds of the machines whirring in the background made great background noise, so I couldn’t really complain.

“All I packed was a toothbrush.”

“You know, you should come by Stark Towers sometime. Top ten floors, all R&D. You'd love it, it's candy land.”

“Thanks, but the last time I was in New York I kind of broke...Harlem.”

“Well, I promise a stress-free environment. No tension. No surprises.” Tony said as he poked Bruce with a mini-taser.

“OW!!”

Tony studied Bruce for a reaction, “Nothing?”

Steve walked in, “Hey! Are you nuts?”

Tony ignored Steve,” You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?”

“Is everything a joke to you?”

“Funny things are.”

“Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny.” OH, HE DID NOT, “No offense, doctor.”

“No, it's alright. I wouldn't have come aboard if I couldn't handle pointy things.” God bless Dr. Bruce Banner.

“You're tiptoeing, big man. You need to strut.”

“As someone who used to work with far more dangerous people, and teach them too. I concur.”

“Kyrie?” Steve sounded surprised, “And you need to focus on the problem, Mr. Stark.”

“You think I'm not?” Tony pulled out a bag of blueberries from god knows where. “Why did Fury call us and why now? Why not before? What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables.”

“You think Fury's hiding something?”

“He's a spy. Captain, he's the spy. His secrets have secrets. It's bugging him too, isn't it?”

“Can’t argue with Tony this time.”

“Uh...I just wanna finish my work here and…” Bruce fell silent.

“Doctor?”

“‘A warm light for all mankind’ Loki’s jab at Fury about the cube.”

“I heard it.”

“Well, I think that was meant for you. Even if Barton didn't post that all over the news.”

“The Stark Tower? That big ugly,” Tony shoots Steve a glare, “...building in New York?”

“It's powered by Stark Reactors, a self-sustaining energy source. That building will run itself for what, a year?” Bruce turned to Tony.

“That's just the prototype. I'm kind of the only name in clean energy right now.”

Bruce looked back at Steve while pointing to Tony, “So, why didn't SHIELD bring him in on the Tesseract project? I mean, what are they doing in the energy business in the first place?”

“I should probably look into that once my decryption programmer finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files,” Tony mentions offhandedly.

Steve looked shocked, “I'm sorry, did you say...?”

I let out a breathy laugh, “Yup, it’s at least a weekly occurrence.”

“Jarvis has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours we'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide. Blueberry?”

“Yet you're confused about why they didn't want you around?”

“Oh, no. He’s fully aware, he just finds it funny.”

“An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome.”

“I think Loki's trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war, and if don't stay focused, he'll succeed. We have orders, we should follow them.”

“Following is not really my style.” Tony ate a mouthful of blueberries.

“And you're all about style, aren't you?” Steve said, smiling.

“Of the people in this room, which one is; A. wearing a spangly outfit, and B. not of use?” Tony retorted.

“Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you?” Banner tried to push Steve to think.

“Just find the cube.” Steve said before he walked out.

“Well, that went splendidly.” I laughed from my seat. The benefits of being a third party.

“That's the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn't have kept him on ice.” Tony looked over at me only to be met with a glare.

“The guy's not wrong about Loki. He does have the jump on us.”

“What he’s got is an ACME dynamite kit. It's gonna blow up in his face, and I'm gonna be there when it does.”

“And I’ll read all about it.”

“Uh-uh. You’ll be suiting up like the rest of us.”

“Ah, see. I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare.”

“You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.”

“And I knew a kid who could turn himself into a nuke.” Both of the men in the room looked at me, confusion written all over their faces.

“O-kay? Moving on. But you can control it.”

“Because I learned how.”

“It's different.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Not forever at least.” I tried to add, though they seemed to be stuck in their own world again.

“Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you.”

“So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Saved it for what?”

A moment passed, “I guess we’ll find out.”

“You might not like that.” Banner sounded scared, scared of himself and scared of whoever the ‘other guy’ was.

“You just might.” I trained Tony well.

31 notes · View notes

botanikos · 3 months ago

Note

Holy crap bae what is the story of the iron infusion? If you're comfortable talking about it! Am so glad you're still here!!!

Sure, I'm comfortable with it! It's not my only brush with death, just my most intense one!

cw for menstruation mention!

☆

To start, among my myriad of issues, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polcystic Ovary Syndrome). This means I have a hormonal disorder and get cysts on my ovaries. Additionally, and ultimately how we found out about the worsening of the PCOS, I had extremely irregular menstrual cycles. So following a rather harsh 32-day cycle with pain in which i described as "wolverine gutting me repeatedly even though there's nothing left," and a failed trip to the hospital for aid, it was determined that due to these excessive cycles, I was severely anemic! Borderline blood transfusion, anemic. Yaaay!

Fast-forward! I was scheduled to undergo 2 rounds of Injectafer, an iron infusion to help get my levels back on track ( at the time, I wasn't capable of holding iron or producing enough of it ). The first session was fine! I sat with my phone and my mom and watched some Netflix.

Second infusion. . . They hooked me up, I got comfortable, and opened my book. I had enough time to look at my mom and said, "Hey, I'm sure it's just my anxiety, but I felt a small pain in my arm. Probably just the needle, but my chest feels cold and—" !! Everything went black, and I couldn't breathe. I could distantly hear people around me, but I couldn't move or see or breathe. My mom says I flushed red, and then all the blood left my body in an instant. They apparently even started to pull out a crash cart.

But they stopped the infusion and immediately replaced it with Benadryl and whatever steroid they used. The coming-back was ROUGH, and they forced the medicine into me quickly, so it BURNED.

Anyway, the staff there now know me by name; pretty sure it scared the shit out of them coz it doesn't happen so often and was really supposed to be an incredibly low chance of that happening.~

SO YEA, I am allergic to Injectafer! 1 of 2 known medical allergies! BUT I MAKE A STABLE AMOUNT OF IRON ON MY OWN NOW !!!!!!!!!!!! YAY ME!!!!!!

#✧･ﾟ･ﾟ✧ | ☾ | : jude answers.#cw menstruation #cw menstruation mention #cw hospital mention #doublejango

11 notes · View notes

painted-bees · 1 year ago

Note

"Lacey and Raf brought out the worst in each other" you mention that they snarked about other people and each other. The sketch of them give bad vibes. Was Raf kind of a dick before he met Lacey? Or did he just act like a dick to impress her?

Hm lmao

Before meeting his Uncle, and before his diagnosis, Raf maintained a very...pessimistic opinion of people, and read a lot of negative things into people's behaviors and words. Largely informed by his experiences throughout his childhood. Typically, he kept his thoughts to himself, unless something really triggered a defensive outburst. He didn't engage in gossip out of fear that it'd be used against him. He believed that he ought to be nice/kind to people--for the sake of appearances, to avoid being talked about behind his back, to win trust, and because he would have liked someone to exercise kindness with him. But he himself could (and often would) find a personal slight against him in anything anyone did around him. And he'd keep track of it for himself. It was a score he tallied only for his own reference, and would affect how he interacted with people.

To anyone who knew him better than an acquaintance (which was to say--not many), undiagnosed Raf was a very quiet, very mercurial sort who could occassionally grow very upset, very suddenly, over seemingly nothing at all. To anyone else, he was a charming glad hander who could work and room and was very entertaining to be around, unless he Didn't Like You. In which case, he'd quietly, subtlely shoulder you out of his life, usually via passive aggressive means.

Then he moved to Vancouver, met his Uncle Bill, realized there was something really very wrong with himself, and reluctantly got his formal diagnosis. Around the same time he was diagnosed, he started dating Lacey.

Him and Lacey got on real fast, largely because Lacey seemed to get him. She had come from similar hardships regarding exploitative, controlling parents, and had bucked against them at a much earlier age. She agreed with Raf that everyone was just out to get their pound of flesh from everyone else, and knowing that--made people exhausting to deal with. The two of them bonded over their similar traumatic experiences and their shared bitter outlooks...and they began finding small validation in sharing their thoughts and observations with each other about the world around them--the thoughts and observations that were mean and cruel, that they had kept to themselves up until they found each other. Thoughts and observations that were often based on vibes and gut feelings more than anything that was actually observable. And they'd agree with eachother's negative verdicts and poor opinions, because it felt good.

But--being with someone who tells you just how poorly they think of everyone else...quickly gets you wondering if they think poorly of you, too. Or, at the very least, it makes you want to ensure that you never do anything to win their negative judgment. Avoiding anything that they deem as stupid or tacky or embarrassing, and so forth.

Anyways, therapy ends up being pretty good for Raf, and over the course of two years, he does start curbing these behaviors and monitoring his thoughts more strictly. And as he does this more and more, Lacey finds him more and more annoying to navigate. Raf begins to take on a more mediating voice when it comes to indulging critical/snarky observations and remarks, and Lacey begins to feel like he's kinda turning on her and growing weird and distant. That, as well as a handful of other things, gets them fighting a lot more...and more passionately. They've always had pretty bombastic yelling matches from time to time, but it becomes a near daily occurrence during the final year of their relationship. By the time they break up, Raf has already decided on the kind of person he wants to be, that he doesn't want his PD to be his personality and has been making steady strides towards that goal.

So to answer your question, I am not really sure! He's mentally ill and has been doing his best this whole time.

For that matter, so is she. But Lace wouldn't receive her diagnosis of BPD until finally seeking therapy to deal with the aftermath of her bitterly traumatic relationship with Raf.

#hi-note #Rafael

34 notes · View notes

humanjadewingletaskblog · 8 months ago

Text

Chapter 4: Winter

Winter laid down on the top bunk of him and Qibli’s shared bunk bed.

He just came back to this school today and was relieved.

To be back with Qibli? Of course not, he had no opinion on Qibli whatsoever.

Winter was just relieved to be away from his parents again.

Breaks from school were awful, having to live with being a disappointment to his parents and them having clear favouritism towards his siblings all day.

School was his only escape.

The only place he could be himself without anybody caring.

Well, except his twin sister Icicle.

Icicle was his parents favourite child.

She did what she was told.

Never acted up.

Was never unordinary.

Winter had always had a feeling of being unordinary from everyone else, and it didn’t help that this summer he was diagnosed with depression.

After his diagnosis his parents got worse.

They never took his mental health problems seriously.

They just saw him as a baby who needed to calm down.

Everyone at school though was much more accepting.

Especially Qibli.

Qibli was perfect, a kind boy who was the only person he’s ever met that could perfectly tell what he needed, when he needed it.

Winter felt his face growing warmer the more he thought about him.

‘NO! I can’t be into him! My parents haven’t approved of him even as a friend. They ESPECIALLY wouldn’t approve since he’s a boy. I don’t like boys, never have, never will. I have to be what my parents expect of me. I need to grow out of this phase.’ He thought.

Winter heard the rustling of keys at the door.

He quickly grabbed his sketchbook to look busy.

The door opened and Qibli walked through the door.

He had a short, low ponytail in his hair.

Winter remembered before summer break started Qibli mentioned wanting to grow out his hair.

“Winter!” Qibli said while quickly putting his stuff down. “Get down here!”

Winter reluctantly agreed and Qibli wrapped his arms around him.

“I missed you so much! How was your summer? Mine was great! Sorry I took a while to get here I was helping out my mom and sister do some things.”

“My summer was…alright. You grew your hair out.”

“I DID! I’m so glad you noticed! Does it look good?”

“UH-UM, NO, NOT AT ALL! GET A PROPER HAIRCUT WILL YOU?”

“And what would you determine a ‘proper haircut’?”

“I- uh- well…okay maybe I didn’t think that far BUT FIND ONE!”

“Glad you’re still as stubborn as last year, I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t so stubborn.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Your stubbornness makes you very fun to tease,” Qibli said, smirking.

“I AM NOT FUN TO TEASE!”

“You really are, anyways, We’re gonna meet up with my friend and her roommate tonight for dinner just so you know.”

“Do I have to go?”

“Yes.”

“Why can’t I just eat dinner on my own?”

“Winter I know you, if I wasn’t bringing you with me you wouldn’t even go to dinner because you have ‘better things to do’.”

Winter fell quiet.

“Come on, it’ll be fun for you to get to know new people!”

“I would much rather perish than do that.”

“Ha! I know, but it’s good to try new things.”

“For you, maybe.”

“Look, trust me Winter, it will be fun! I promise my friend is nice and I bet her roommate is too.”

“Ugh, fine, I’ll go.”

“Yay! I mean, I was gonna make you go anyways but I’m glad you’re actually willing too!”

“A little.”

#wings of fire #human jade winglet ask blog #wof #wings of fire fanfic #wof fanfic

2 notes · View notes

gurorori · 1 year ago

Note

The Seed and Queendom were so powerful whwhwbwhsjjdd i'm🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love. Cure for me was also verrry fun i love her choreographies, she's such a skilled and fluid dancer !!!

And exist for life is so🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭 beautifulllll i'm wjqbwnnsns <333 in love. I love. A lot . Mwah thank you for all your recommendations it is. 3:15am and i have to call it a day but !!!!!! Wah

da seed always gimme chills cuz i love da message & its nawt jus a figure of speech either, aurora fun fact is dat shes grown up in very close proximity 2 nature n clearly has so so much love n respect 4 it an i think it show wonderfully nawt only thru her music but thru her entire energy. she bcome one with it!! there a reason every1 calls her a forest nymph / elf n so much more in da comments aha

tho i think 2 call her anythin but human is a bit unfair, i think shes very human in da most beautiful of ways. unironically

queendom is suhc an anthemmmm... n it warms my heart when i see live performances of it cuz it really feel like one big hug with every1 given da lyrics n jus da vibes it creates. luv it so much, n i love da music video n_n women....

cure 4 me is very special 2 me even tho it a bit sillier soundin than most of her songs (along w the chorus blowin up on tt) readin more ab it from aurora herself tho, it turn out da inspiration came from sumthin dats a very loaded topic & after dat i cudn look at it da same & grew even closer 2.. THE SONG? idk why im talkin ab it lik a human but. word from miss aurora:

"Like always, I got inspired by a really huge, dark and horrible thing that happens in the world. The first seed of inspiration came from thinking about the countries where it’s still legal to do conversion therapy for gay people and lesbians. I just thought that’s so pointless. The first idea was me saying, ‘I don’t need a cure for me – just let me live, man!’”

“Why is it so difficult for people to just let others be themselves? Then I thought that it could mean many other things. People tend to believe quite quickly that something is wrong with them if they’re not like the people they see in front of them. It’s so sad that it doesn’t take much for us to really doubt ourselves.”

^ lil context 4 dat is, aurora is definitely queer as shes talkd ab her attraction 2 ppl in da past & shes had a girlfriend be4 too. i think she mentions dat she feels different romantically in regards 2 men n women. but also she doesn label herself really, but i think this gives more insight into this song. as well as ive noticed ppl talkin ab her includin some of her own more 'weird' mannerisms n well. the dance is weird n silly too (/affectionate!!! its gettin added 2 sky soon like i talkd abt in dms, n im boutta spam it everywhere) n i think it an incredible move too.

i think cure 4 me can also b related back 2 auroras neurodivergence, which she has talkd ab before. she mentioned bein made fun of @ school 4 bein autistic (altho i don think she was ever diagnosed w it) n also bein put on adhd medication in da past - pretty sure dats her official diagnosis. but yeah. honesly, jus from watchin the way she carries herself n moves n talks in interviews & lives, she was always so clearly different & felt closer than other artists 2 me. like nawt in a 'wow shes so weird' way like sum ppl say. idk theres an inherent sense of belongin w dat person cuz shes so much like us too. man i started cryin but anyway i luv her lots she really mean lots 2 me.

exist 4 love is very beautiful too.. i luv da reference 2 the birth of venus, i love da influence of 1920/30s music too like many mentioned.. it make me melt into a puddle sumtime. we rly do exist 4 it huh.!!!!

but yah n_n thank 4 goin on this aurora journey wit me!!! am glad it was fun & am glad 2 infect ya so @/meowyoi, ya n i can all grow a bit more insane togethr <3

3 notes · View notes

cleverhottubmiracle · 22 days ago

Photo

Predicting what the future holds for you — from the turns your career will take to the kind of money you’ll be making to the person you may end up with and beyond — is nearly impossible to do. Things get even trickier when you’re trying to plan your family or figuring out when you want to have children. Sure, you can’t schedule everything according to a preset timeline, but at least there’s some comfort in preparing ahead of time and making sure that when and if the time is right for you to have a child, you’re still able to make that happen. And that brings us to the family-planning option of freezing your eggs or embryos (eggs that have already been fertilized). People have a plethora of reasons for choosing to freeze their eggs, but we don’t frequently hear much about what those reasons are — or even who has done it. On that note, let’s check out which celebs have frozen their eggs or embryos, whether it was for future planning or because of issues preventing them from conceiving naturally. Below, see which celebrities froze their eggs or embryos. Cressida Bonas Image Credit: Photo By: Dee Cercone Prince Harry’s ex-girlfriend, model and actress Cressida Bonas, revealed in Jan 2025 that she is expecting baby number two after freezing embryos. “I am now well into my second pregnancy. Having conceived through IVF the first time, we were fortunate to have another embryo stored away in a freezer,” Bonas wrote in an essay for The Spectator. “It is incredible that a tiny cluster of frozen cells, already a life, can survive, suspended in time for years. The science behind the process continues to amaze me.” This will be her and her husband Harry Wentworth-Stanley’s second child, with the first being their son Wilbur. Florence Pugh Image Credit: Elizabeth Goodenough/Everett Collection In a 2024 episode of the She MD podcast, actress Florence Pugh revealed that she decided to freeze her eggs in her late 20s after being diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. “[My doctor] asked if I’d ever had an egg count done. And I was like, ‘No what do you mean? I’m so young. Why do I need an egg count?’” she shared. “It was just so bizarre because my family are baby making machines. When mom had babies into her 40s, my gran had babies throughout. I just never assumed that I was going to be in any way different.” “Then of course, I learned completely different information, [at] age 27, that I need to get my eggs out and do it quickly, which was just a bit of a mind-boggling realization,” she continued. “One that I’m really lucky and glad that I found out when I did because I’ve been wanting kids since I was a child.” Emma Slater Image Credit: Disney / ABC via Getty Images Dancing With the Stars’ Emma Slater announced she is freezing her eggs in Nov. 2023 in order to “take control of her future” and “preserve her options.” “I’m very grateful that this process is available for people, whatever the individual reason may be,” she said on Instagram. “…I’m grateful to those who respect [my reasons]. It does take a lot of thought, courage and consideration but ultimately this is giving me peace of mind.” Kourtney Kardashian Image Credit: Phillip Faraone/Getty Images Kourtney Kardashian shares three children with her ex Scott Disick, Mason, 13, Penelope, 10, and Reign, 8. At age 39, the TV personality was not sure if she wanted to have more children but “felt pressured” from her sisters Khloe and Kim to have her eggs frozen like they had. At age 43, she still isn’t sure if she wants to have more children with her now-husband Travis Barker, but she said freezing her eggs was like a “deep breath.” “I think doing that … and having the control of my body just gave me a peace of mind,” she said on a 2021 epsiode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show. “I froze mine and hopefully they’re sitting there OK just for — you never know.” Rebel Wilson Image Credit: Gilbert Flores for Variety Rebel Wilson gave fans an intimate look at her fertility journey when she opened up to PEOPLE soon after her baby girl was born via surrogate in Nov. 2022. Three years earlier, her fertility journey started with a doctor who told her she would “do much better” harvesting and freezing her eggs if she lost weight. She had lost around 65 pounds and had three surgeries by the time she was filming The Almond and learned that none of her eggs had survived being thawed. “It was devastating,” she continued. “…[but] I knew that my desire to become a mother was so strong, that I needed to keep trying.” When she announced the birth of Royce Lillian, she said she is “forever grateful” to everyone who has been involved in her fertility journey. “This has been years in the making…but particularly wanted to thank my gorgeous surrogate who carried her and birthed her with such grace and care,” Wilson wrote in her announcement. “Thank you for helping me start my own family, it’s an amazing gift. The BEST gift!! Paris Hilton Image Credit: Mark Von Holden for Variety Paris Hilton has 20 frozen embryos with her husband Carter Reum. The couple had started thinking about starting a family before the COVID-19 pandemic. When the world was shut down and people were busy making sourdough bread, Hilton had other plans. “I was like, ‘What do you think about us making embryos?’” Hilton told Glamour UK. The couple welcomed a son via surrogate in Jan. 2023, and Hilton is continuing to undergo IVF treatments as she looks toward the future. The TV personaily said all 20 embryos are boys, and she is determined to have a daughter. Chrissy Teigen Image Credit: Rich Polk for Variety Chrissy Teigen has always been willing to talk publicly about the things that others try to keep hush-hush. That includes the price of freezing eggs. Back in 2017, when she was a mom of one, she tweeted about the bill she got to store her frozen embryos and tweeted, “Damn how’s my embryo gonna be in debt before it’s even born?” The retrieval and storing process costs tens of thousands of dollars. On top of the physical cost, there is an emotional toll that the model — who is now a mom of three — has opened up about as well. “Emotionally it can be really hard. When you have these high-highs and these low-lows,” she told Today.com. “You don’t want to get your hopes up, but of course, you do” Heather Rae Young Image Credit: Christopher Polk for Variety Heather Rae Young definitely did not want kids — that is, until she became Heather Rae Young El Moussa. When the TV personality met her now-husband Tarek El Moussa, everything changed. She started freezing her eggs and was very open about her road to motherhood. “I’m glad I decided to share my story on Instagram because struggling with infertility can feel very isolating,” she said. “I also want to encourage women to think about their fertility in their 20s. So many of us are focused on our careers. We’re not thinking about babies. But any point in your life, things can change. Things can change at any moment, and you want to be prepared.” The El Moussas gave birth to a baby boy in Jan. 2023. Khloe Kardashian Image Credit: Aurora Rose for WWD Khloe Kardashian wanted to give her daughter True, 4 a baby sibling. In a 2021 appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres show, Kardashian said she had frozen her eggs once and done three rounds of IVF. The TV personality wanted to make embryos with boyfriend Tristan Thompson. Sadly, when she defrosted her 12-14 eggs, none survived. And so she, like so many others, started the process again. This time, it was much slower because of the pandemic. “With COVID, finding this whole fertility process, if you do need assistance in fertility, it’s much more challenging during COVID. They say, ‘If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans.’ So the one time I’m actually really trying to plan, God is saying, ‘Uh uh, you can’t make your plans like this.'” Kardashian welcomed her second child, a boy, in 2022. Mary Fitzgerald Image Credit: Michael Buckner for Variety Selling Sunset’s Mary Fitzgerald decided to freeze her eggs and embryos with co-star and husband Romain Bonnett while the two focused on their careers. “I’m going to freeze my eggs just in case we want to start a family, but we are far too busy and focused on our careers to prioritize this at the moment,” Fitzgerald told The Sun in 2020 when she was 39 and Bonnett was 26. Sadly, in June 2022, Fitzgerald shared that none of the eggs that were harvested and fertilized were healthy and viable. “This was definitely not the news we were hoping to get and while it is super disappointing, we are just keeping our heads up,” she captioned an Instagram post. “PLEASE consider doing this at the youngest age possible if you know/think you want to have children!” she urges. “Sharing my experience in hopes of helping anyone who is interested in doing this process.” As of Dec. 2022, the couple was continuing to try to get pregnant. Fitzgerald became a single mom at age 16 to her son Austin Babbitt. Ariana Madix Image Credit: Gilbert Flores for Variety In an episode of Vanderpump Rules, TV personality Ariana Madix revealed that she froze her eggs alongside her co-star Scheana Shay. “This does not mean that I’m jumping on the baby train,” she continued. “It’s about having agency over my own body and my own future. It’s also kind of a nice fun f— you to anybody who questions my values or my choices.” Chrishell Stause Image Credit: Michael Buckner for Variety Selling Sunset star Chrishell Stause was in the process of freezing her eggs when she was approached by Dancing With The Stars. “So for the first weeks of rehearsal, I was giving myself daily hormone shots while learning the tango, and the procedure was done a few days before the premiere of the show,” she told PEOPLE. “Maybe I could blame that on my less than stellar tango! Just kidding — I will always suck at the tango.” Stause decided to freeze her eggs at age 39 following her divorce from actor Justin Hartley. “I’m going to do everything I can to take that power in the situation, and hopefully, that will empower me going forward in the dating world, so there’s not so much pressure.” Stause split from Justin Hartley last year. The This Is Us actor filed for divorce in November 2019, citing irreconcilable differences and listing his and Stause’s date of separation as months before, in July, even though they had made public appearances together after that date. Emma Roberts Image Credit: Steve Eichner for WWD It wasn’t until her late 20s that actor Emma Roberts found out she had been having symptoms of endometriosis since she was a teen. Her doctors told her she should probably consider freezing her eggs, but she thought to herself, “I’m working right now. I don’t have time to freeze my eggs.” “To be honest, I was also terrified,” she told Cosmopolitan. “Just the thought of going through that and finding out, perhaps, that I wouldn’t be able to have kids….I did freeze my eggs eventually, which was a difficult process.” Roberts admitted to being stunned and feeling like she was to blame when she got her diagnosis. “But I started opening up to other women, and all of a sudden, there was a new world of conversation about endometriosis, infertility, miscarriages, fear of having kids. I was so grateful to find out I was not alone in this. I hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ after all.” In Dec. 2020, Roberts gave birth to a son who she shares with husband Rhodes Robert Hedlund. Halsey Image Credit: Swan Gallet for WWD Halsey is an outspoken advocate for reproductive rights and who, at age 23, decided to freeze her eggs. After being diagnosed with endometriosis, having surgery to treat the condition, and suffering multiple miscarriages, the singer decided to make an “ovarian reserve” and “aggressively” protect her fertility. “Reproductive illness is so frustrating because it can really make you feel like less of a woman,” she said. “…you don’t feel sexy, you don’t feel proud, and you don’t feel like there’s much hope, so taking these measures to make sure that hopefully I get to have a bright future and achieve the things I want to achieve by doing an ovarian reserve is so important.” Savannah Chrisley Real estate TV personality Savannah Chrisley opened up about her endometriosis diagnosis in August of 2020. The condition affects the lining of the uterus and can cause infertility problems. The then-23-year-old told PEOPLE she decided to freeze her eggs because “God meant [for her] to be a mother.” “I have been blessed with such an amazing career and the financial means to do so,” Chrisley said. “I know I would be devastated if [I couldn’t become a mother]. I’ve had some doctors explain it to me like an insurance policy. I’m so fortunate to do so.” “Just because you have to do things a little different than some other women doesn’t mean that it’s any less special,” she continued. “That’s how I look at it. It doesn’t matter how we get there, just as long as we get there.” Becca Kufrin Image Credit: Manny Carabel/Getty Images for Kendra Scott Former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin froze her eggs after her breakup with Bachelorette contestant Garret Yrigoyen. “I think it’s so important as women we know about our bodies and our options,” Becca, 30, said in an Instagram story in Oct. 2020. “For me, I’m not old, but I’m not a spring chicken, and I want kids one day but not anytime soon so I figure why not do it now in quarantine.” Raven Symone & Miranda Pearman-Maday Image Credit: Brian Feinzimer for Variety Actor Raven Symone and wife Miranda Pearman-Maday dream of having a large family with four kids. The couple told Entertainment Tonight they each want to carry a child and then look into adoption. “As Raven says, we’re not getting any younger,” Pearman-Maday said. “And freezing your eggs so you just know that they’re there and they’re safe is a wonderful thing. And I think that’s something that we will probably do.” Kelsea Ballerini Image Credit: Getty Images Singer Kelsea Ballerini dropped some major bombshells about her relationship with ex-husband singer Morgan Evans in a Feb. 2023 epsiode of the Call Her Daddy podcast. Ballerini told host Alex Cooper that the topic of parenthood and freezing her eggs played a role in the couples divorce. It became clear that Evans, in his late 30s, and Ballerini, in her late 20s, were not on the same page. “He was ready,” Ballerini said. “He was like, ‘I don’t want to be an old dad,’ is what he kept saying. And I was like, ‘I’m not there yet, and I can’t do that to save [this marriage] and give you something that I’m not ready for.'” She visited her doctor on her own to learn more about freezing her eggs, and ahead of her 29th birthday, she told Evans she wanted to freeze her eggs for her 30th birthday “It was not a good day,” she said. “And I think that was when I was like, there’s a fundamental difference here that has happened, that has shifted. And it’s no longer like, ‘I don’t see this person, I miss this person, I’m alone, I’m lonely.’ It’s like, ‘He wants something out of life…[and] I’m not there.'” Ballerini’s divorce was finalized in Nov. 2022, and though she doesn’t know if or when she will want to be a mom, she told The Evening Standard she still plans to freeze her eggs before turning 30. “Why not!” she said. Olivia Culpo & Christian McCaffrey Olivia Culpo, 30 revealed in the season finale of The Culpo Sisters on TLC that she is going to freeze her eggs. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model has been dating football player Christian McCaffrey, 26 since 2019. She said she had been putting pressure and a timeline on herself and her fertility, and she didn’t want to feel rushed anymore. “I am going to freeze my eggs so that I can have babies when the time is right for Christian [and me],” she told her family. “It’s an insurance policy. It’s exciting.” Barbara Bush & Craig Coyne Image Credit: Getty Images Barbara Pierce Bush, daughter of president George W. Bush, froze her eggs before meeting her husband Craig Coyne, according to her twin sister, Jenna Bush Hager. In an episode of Hoda Kotb’s podcast Making Space, Hager revealed that Barbara, 39, planned to become a single mom if necessary. “Before my grandmother [First Lady Barbara Pierce Bush] died, [my sister] had a conversation with her [about having kids on her own],” Hager said. “My grandmother said, ‘I think that’s a really good idea.’ So Barbara froze her eggs and was planning, if she didn’t meet somebody, to go ahead and do it.” Whitney Cummings Comedia Whitney Cummings found freezing 16 of her eggs to be an empowering, freeing experience. “Before I froze my eggs, a guy that was kind of mediocre, I’d be like, ‘I can fix this,'” she said. “After [freezing my eggs], I would be like, ‘Bye, I have eggs on ice. I don’t need to do any of this.’ There was just this freedom to it, whether I use them or not, that made me feel like I got another 10 years back. It took weight off.” Though she finds it to be a bit “elitist,” she talks about the experience frequently in the hopes that it will lead to better insurance coverage for the procedure. Francia Raisa Image Credit: Brian Feinzimer for Variety Actor Francia Raisa said she felt “relieved” when she went through the process of having 28 eggs frozen because it meant that she doesn’t have to “rush” with her “biological clock ticking.” “I don’t want to settle,” the Secret Life of the American Teenager actor said. “I really want to wait for the right person. … I really want to be friends with someone first and really know you, because I don’t want to have to worry about that again ever.” Maria Menounos Image Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Sarah Flint. In 2011, People magazine reported on Menounos’ announcement on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers that she planned to freeze her eggs. “I’m 33, and I decided that I know I have a couple of years of work I want to get to, and then do it,” she stated, continuing, “I figured this is kind of an insurance policy.” After a more than 10-year-long long fertility journey, the couple announced in Feb. 2023 that they are expecting a child via surrogate. Olivia Munn Image Credit: Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for MTV. In 2016, Olivia Munn revealed to People magazine that she “froze a bunch of eggs,” explaining that when she “turned 35, then you’re high risk”. She continued, “I did, years ago, freeze a bunch of eggs. I went to the doctor and did the whole test and he said, ‘You know, you actually have a lot of eggs. You’re really lucky.'” Munn now has a 1-year-old son, Malcom, with husband John Mulaney. Sofía Vergara Image Credit: Joe Scarnici/FilmMagic/Getty Images. Vergara's embryos have been at the center of a legal battle in recent years, beginning when Vergara froze them in 2013. You can read the full details of the case at Slate, but for now, the embryos she froze while dating ex-boyfriend Nick Loeb remain frozen. Kaitlyn Bristowe Image Credit: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Pandora Jewelry. In 2017, Kaitlyn Bristowe explained in a Good Morning America interview why she chose to freeze her eggs: "I think a lot of women feel pressure to have kids, especially when you get engaged. And for me, I’m like, I don’t want that pressure on myself. This is kind of a backup plan for us and for us to feel comfortable. It’s kind of like insurance," she stated. Tinsley Mortimer Image Credit: Theo Wargo/Getty Images. The frozen eggs of Real Housewives of New York star Tinsley Mortimer became part of her season 10 storyline, with the most notable discussion about her decision coming during a particularly memorable chat with her mother about the eggs while she was trying on wedding dresses. Joanna Krupa Image Credit: Joe Buglewicz/Getty Images. In 2017, model and former Real Housewives of Miami star Joanna Krupa opened up about her choice to freeze her eggs. While chatting with Life & Style, Krupa explained, "Thank goodness I froze my eggs. I would honestly be freaking out right now if I didn’t. You don’t want to wake up one day and be like, ‘My god, what was I thinking?’ I decided a few years ago to freeze them so I would be safe." Rita Ora Image Credit: Mindy Small/FilmMagic/Getty Images. In 2017, Ora revealed during an interview with Australian morning news program Sunrise (as reported on further by The Guardian) that she froze her eggs in her early 20s: "You’re healthiest now and I think it would be great, why don’t you put them away now and you’ll never have to worry about it again?" Céline Dion Image Credit: Dave J. Hogan/Getty Images. While reporting on her second pregnancy in 2009, People magazine noted that Dion has frozen her eggs while attempting to conceive her first child, René-Charles, in 2001. Bridget Marquardt Image Credit: Jerod Harris/Getty Images for The ACE Agency. In 2011, former Playboy model Bridget Marquardt opened up to Us Weekly about her decision to freeze her eggs. "When I was 34 I went and had my eggs harvested," she explained, going on to describe the difficult process: "Looking back I was like, 'It was easy,' but it wasn't that easy. It's a lot of medication, a lot of hormones. You have to inject yourself in the stomach and I'm so terrified of needles! It was a difficult thing for me to do." Source link

0 notes

norajworld · 22 days ago

Photo

0 notes

ellajme0 · 22 days ago

Photo

0 notes

chilimili212 · 22 days ago

Photo

0 notes

oliviajoyice21 · 22 days ago

Photo

0 notes

blackvail22 · 1 year ago

Text

9/25/23

10:25am -

i just had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist? i think thats the word. i got diagnosed with BED (binge eating disorder), and ive been saying for YEARS that i had it, and no one would help me. its been 9 years since i first went to a doctor and told them about my eating habits; they didnt help me. i had an obvious ed, and im glad im finally getting the help i need.

my relationship with food is severely complicated. im obsessed with my weight and the calories im intaking, but i cant stop... binging. and the fact i have fat on my body makes me want to throw up, nd every time i notice it, it makes me feel like my insides are being scratched over and over. my fear of purging is the only reason i dont...

a month ago, i was talking with my counselor, and she asked me if ive ever been screened for adhd. i told her no, but i can tell her yes!! my new doctor did a screening thing for adhd, and i have it. shes referring me to somewhere to get a more in-depth test to see what type of adhd and the severeity of it.

i told my mom all of this, and she seemed upset. i dont understand? shes been so rude to me lately... i mean, she always is.. but it feels like she changed? shes so bitter, and shes being like homophobic 😭😭 out of nowhere LIKE WHAT PROMPTED U TO BE LIKE THIS? i SWEAR on everything, being a chronic facebook user ruined her. she wasnt like this before facebook LMAOO shes so sad. but, all well!

im going to try my best to clean my room again. i NEED to get my shit together!! its so embarrassing how messy it is. i have to focus on doing it. i have to do it today; i have no choice!!

10:17pm

news flash: i didnt clean my room. whos surprised? im going to try and get it together before i go to bed because i have to... i have or else ill feel like im letting my boyfriend down lol

yk idk why but being friends and flirting w somsone is so much different than dating them. its insane!

i didnt mention this before but im being put on a different medication that targets bed and adhd and it also helps depression. i have to do a bunch of testing before i take it, though, because its a controlled substance

im afraid of facing my past. i know that i was a fucked up kid, but seeing HOW fucked up i am is... terrifying. like i read through a few of my old roblox messages and woah!!! i was living a double life, holy shit! obvi... i used a fake name, fake age, and some of the stories i would tell belonged to my sister. ill forever be regretful for the way i was back then... it makes me think, though... did i ever really change?

i had this girlfriend named .... lets call her juju. she lived on the other side of my country, and we met because we both ran fan accts for a youtuber on insta. i became ... obsessive? quickly. i feel sorry for her, but i was 12 and she was nearly 16, so... she easily couldve cut me off once she found out my age lmao. idk, i kept trying to find ways for her and i to meet in person because i was so excited to meet her online. she broke up with me, and i made another instagram and pretended to be someone else for a while.... aka i catfished her. i didnt show her photos of anyone else, just used the name "katrina" like i used to. i got her to talk abt her exes and then she talked abt how she recently broke up w someone and how crazy they were. i knew then that my behavior wasnt normal. i didnt understand the boundaries i was crossing.

am i all that different now? i used his snap maps to see when he's at his dad and when hes at his moms or at school. when i planned on moving down there, i looked for apartments that were nearby his primary home. i attenpted to make an acct to pretend i was someone else and see if he would lie to me abt info abt his life. i didnt finish it.... i got like the ick from myself and was thinking abt how crazy i was.

i try my best to not be ... stalker-like. i wouldnt follow someone throughout their day to see where they are, who theyre with. i wouldnt use it to harm him, and if he didnt want to see me or talk to me, i wouldnt force him to by showing up to his house or texting him off the number i give to weirdos.

im getting tired. its 10:37p now, and i keep like closing my eyes every once and awhile inbetween sections.

i think the last thing i feel i need to rant abt is how i told my dad i have binge eating disorder and for dinner when i told him i didnt care what he got me, HE GOT ME FOOD FOR A FAMILY OF 4. he looked me in the eyes and said, "two cheeseburgers, 16 chicken nuggets, 10 cheese sticks, and a milkshake incase u get hungry later" when he KNOWS i have a habit of eating a lot of food in one sitting.

i feel gross from how much i ate today, and im still wanting to eat more.

being told "u can reverse everything thats wrong w you if u just lost weight!" and then having those same people ENFORCE ur unhealthy eating habits is insane

like, do u rlly want to help me? or do u want to just berate me for the hell of it?

okie song song time

this song is so ... relateable. typical pop song but its so good 2 me

0 notes

escape-rock-bottom · 2 years ago

Text

Journal #19 - Dissecting Bad Habits, Addictions, and Negative Thoughts

In my last post about my disconnecting from technology for a day challenge (insert link to that post here), I mentioned near the end that if you find disconnecting more distressing than the already distressing feeling of always being online, you should analyze why. As a dude who literally spends an average of 5 hours per day and finds it frustrating to not have the ability to get online in some fashion, I figured I should be asking myself this question.

Doing the discomfort challenge, I realized quickly that not being able to get on my computer or phone was frustrating. However, I wondered just WHY I was so bothered about not having my computer. It wasn’t like I was missing out on anything important, had anything specific to do, or lacked activities to engage in outside of my computer. Honestly, it was like an addiction in some form.

I started by asking myself a few questions:

Why does it bother me that I don’t have access to my computer?

What do I feel I am missing and why?

What feelings do I have in regards to disconnecting?

Where did the habit come from?

Is there anything that could have caused my urges/habits before it became a problem?

What does technology mean to me and what positive/negative feelings do I have surrounding it?

Is my attachment more negative or positive? Is it more harmful to me or more good?

While these questions are aimed to diagnose my specific problems, they could be of use to you as well. I’d say give it a shot and have an introspection session and really think about the whys and whats and whens of the problem.

To summarize, most of my problems that led to the bad habits/addiction come down to a few things:

A traumatic childhood that caused me to dissociate in a variety of ways, one of which being filling my time with browsing the internet

A lack of a decent social life and autonomy which led to me having too much free time at home

A neurological factor. My neurology causes me to have a strong need for stimulus, have an issue with distraction, memory, and hyper-focusing, and a high curiosity drive (I need to know everything!)

Growing up with technology. It’s been a part of my life from as far as I could remember to the point it's weird not to have and use it.

Peer pressure. Back in my earlier days, you were ridiculed for not having a phone, computer, or accounts on the big social media sites. This caused me to have a need to do just that so I can fit in (Yeah, in the past I was the “weird kid” and people loved to ignore and make fun of those guys. Kids are cruel sometimes lol)

A general interest in technology and the fact that a lot of the things I do now are in the digital world.

My feelings and thoughts in regards to technology are mostly positive, I actually think it’s a wonderful and super cool thing that I am glad I have the privilege to access, but some of the negative thoughts and feelings are:

Social media and online politics seems to bring the evil out of people. People are just too offended and aggressive over their beliefs and opinions and differing ones.

People misuse the privilege of anonymity online to hurt others far too often.

There’s too many distractions. It’s no longer fun because EVERYONE wants your attention and it gets overwhelming.

It’s a waste of time most of the time. I don’t need to know about a car crash on the highway in Texas or what someone thinks about the new building they constructed downtown. Again, too much info, and not really worth it. Frankly, I can’t care that much about everyone’s life (nor do I expect others to do the same for me). I care about giving and getting value, not grabbing attention with a pointless piece of content.

A conflicting combination of too private and not private enough. It feels like I’m infringing someone’s privacy by reading and judging and remarking on the content and thoughts I put out, but they chose to put it there for that reason. Conversely, you never know if the guy you’ve been messaging on Discord really is a 23 year old man named Kevin Evinson or if it's some 14 year old kid making up a fake internet persona.

It’s annoying how much we rely on it. We lose connection by getting too much opportunity to connection (This is a conflicting thought with my “It’s so cool how much we can do on the internet, I think it’s awesome I can talk to someone on the other side of the country)

It’s interesting to see what things come up if you just give yourself time to think far deeper with no judgment for what comes up. Most of our problems are really just too complex to solve with a simple question (”Why am I like this?” For example) because we humans are more layered than we give ourselves credit for. Even just simply stating my problem with technology as a problem isn’t enough to solve it. We need to understand why it’s a problem and formulate a unique approach to solve each factor into the why.

What I want you to take away from this rambling about my inner workings (and I can’t stress this enough) is this: Give yourself time to think about yourself with no judgment and thorough analysis. Introspection is one of the true powers to self-improvement. You have to know who and why you are before you know the real hows and whys of what you want.

It’s superficial to just want to stop a bad habit because you and other people think it sucks. The real depth comes with where the habit came from and your feelings regarding it, and your true reasons for your frustration with it. Don’t be superficial with your goals if you want to change your life, or you will only make superficial changes. I realize that’s where I went wrong and got stuck in a loop.

On a final note, this practice can be modified to nearly every problem. While it’s good for general bad habits and emotions and negative thoughts, don’t do this for trauma, serious mental illness, or other people. It’s best to dive into this with a therapist who can help you regulate your emotions and symptoms (they will inevitably come up as you poke the trauma bear), and it’s just plain rude to assume and dissect someone’s life for them unless they ask for it lol.

#drvn30 #bad habits #addiction #negative thoughts #self help

0 notes

football-and-fanfics · 2 years ago

Text

Exhausted part 2 - Andy Robertson & Trent Alexander-Arnold

Part 1

Who: Trent Alexander-Arnold, Andy Robertson Request: would love a second part to the recent trent and robbo one think its really good!!😁😁 Requested by: anonymous Warnings: mentions of exhaustion, passing out/fainting, some descriptions of PTSD-like symptoms.

A/N: this is a direct continuation of this imagine. As you can probably already determine from the warnings above, this is quite an angsty piece 😬

Andy knows Liverpool's medical team took Trent to the hospital to be checked over, just to be sure. Something he can only wholeheartedly agree to. The news that Trent was given a clean bill of health from the doctors, reaches the team rather quickly, though. Everyone is relieved to hear that Trent passing out on the pitch is now officially diagnosed as 'exhaustion', and that there's not something more concerning wrong with the young Scouser. Lots of rest and sleep, and he should be just fine.

---

When Andy's phone rings about four hours after the match, he feels a wave of relief to see Trent's caller ID. "Hey, Trentski," Andy answers the call. "Hey." Trent's voice sounds uncharacteristically lifeless. "Are you okay?" Andy immediately asks. "Yeah," Trent answers slowly, "very, very tired, but I'm okay. They sent me home. At the hospital I got an IV with some electrolytes and fluids, that's made me feel a bit better, but mainly I feel like I can sleep until next month." "They sent you home?" Andy frowns at his phone. "Alone?" A soft hum is the only confirmation Trent gives.

After what has happened just hours before, Andy doesn't like the idea of Trent being alone at all. "I'm coming over." He makes the decision in a split-second. The fact that Trent does not protest to it in any way, is all the proof Andy needs to know this is the right thing to do.

----

An hour later Andy finds himself ringing the doorbell of Trent's house. He's picked up some takeaway food on his way over, and if Trent's not hungry, Andy sure is.

Trent opens the door wearing sweatpants and a plain black T-shirt, and looks more tired than Andy's ever seen him. It's not only physical exhaustion, but the fact that he passed out because of it must have a mental impact on him, too. "Thanks for coming over." Trent means it. "Anytime." Andy tones it down. "I brought food." Trent smiles a tired, but genuine smile. "Perfect, I'm starving."

Trent quickly fixes some plates and cutlery, before he and Andy each sag down on either end of the large L-shaped couch with food-laden plates in their laps.

They laugh and joke together as they watch some no-brainer dating show whilst eating. Andy is glad to see Trent somewhat functioning again, but the exhaustion is still clearly visible. The fact that Trent never spoke up about the level of fatigue he was dealing with bothers Andy, but he's not sure this is the opportune moment to bring it up.

But where Andy hesitates, Trent does not. "I'm sorry I startled you today," he starts, scraping the last bit of food off of his plate. "Startled?" Andy chuckles wryly, "you gave me the worst fright of my life! I really thought I was going to lose you right in front of my eyes, mate."

An involuntary shiver runs through Trent at that comment. For the first time he realizes what an impact this must have had on Andy as well. "I never meant for this to happen." "I know you didn't," Andy soothes, "and I'm not mad. I am worried you let it get this far without ever speaking up, but that's a conversation we'll have some other time." Trent nods thoughtfully. He's not feeling up to discussing that topic yet, and he's glad Andy sees it.

"I'm sorry, but I'm off to bed," Trent announces shortly after. He indeed looks dead on his feet, so Andy is not surprised. "Sleep well, mate," Andy answers, "get all the rest you need." "You know your way around the house, and you can take anything from the fridge you want. The guest bedroom is up the stairs to your left." Trent doesn't even ask, he just assumes Andy will be staying for the night as well. And right he is, because it never once crosses Andy's mind to leave Trent alone tonight. Not after what happened today.

----

Andy doesn't sleep a wink that night. The image of Trent going down in front of him constantly replays in his mind. It keeps him up, and whenever he manages to catch some kind of sleep, those horrifying memories give him nightmares.

Around 3 a.m. Andy's had enough. He needs sip of water or a small bite to eat, just anything to take his mind off these nightmarish flashbacks.

He opens the door of his bedroom and strides out into the hallway. Trent's bedroom is right across from the guest bedroom Andy is staying in, and the first thing Andy notices is that Trent has left the door to his room wide open. Andy's heard Trent stumble around a while back, presumably to use the bathroom, and he must have forgotten Andy is staying in the house as well.

Without actively trying, Andy has a clear view of Trent lying spread-eagled on his front in bed, sleeping soundly. The sight sends another involuntary flashback through Andy's mind. Another image of Trent falling to the ground and Andy unable to help him burns behind his eyes. The panic he felt out on the pitch momentarily settles back into his chest, but Andy is able to make the worst of it flow away again.

It's not a conscious decision when Andy silently walks through the open door of Trent's bedroom. His feet simply take him there. He halts at the foot of the bed and looks down at his sleeping friend. The image in itself is nothing new. Andy and Trent have shared many a hotel room during training camps, so Andy's seen Trent asleep often before. But today it hits differently.

And apparently this is what Andy needs to fully let out all the stress and anxiety of today. His hands tremble with sudden emotion, and there's no holding back the tears anymore. Trent is alright, Andy knows that, but the very short moment in which he believed Trent to be going through some life-threatening condition right in front of him, did things to Andy. Things he now, in the middle of the night, has no other choice but to face.

a hiccupped sob escapes Andy, which reverberates like a gunshot through the quiet house. He clasps a hand over his mouth. Trent stirs under the covers before half-opening his eyes. He isn't really awake, but his slumbering gaze still finds Andy. A small smile tugs at the corner of Trent's mouth. "I'm alright, Robbo." The words aren't more than a breath leaving his lips, but Andy hears them. He recollects himself. "I know. Get some more sleep, mate." Trent closes his eyes again and is back asleep in mere seconds.

Trent likely won't remember a thing of this tomorrow, and maybe that's for the best. But for Andy this sleepy reassurance is just what he needs: Trent is going to be perfectly fine.

Tags: @evie-pr, @auawdo, @meteora-fc, @de-geas, @stonesyyyy, @drizzyreese, @hbstre, @liverpoolfanfiction, @sternennebel2001 TAA / Robbo tags: @footballffbarbiex, @lightsupdoyouknowwhoyouare, @sanchoj7, @robbothegoat PL tags: @ella33 LFC tags: @candlelitutopia, @percervall

Add me to the tags list | Request an imagine | Request a photo promptTAA masterlist | Robbo masterlist | General masterlist

56 notes · View notes

waitmyturtles · 2 years ago

Text

Turtles Catches Up with the Essential BLs: Utsukushii Kare Edition

Utsukushii Kare. As I wrote last night in the heat of finishing this series, I’m in hot pursuit of consuming essential BLs, and UK was at the top of my list. I didn’t expect the series to be so short, so I just housed it, and I am SO glad I got this one in. (CAVEAT, as usual in this series of my catching up with past dramas -- I know most of y’all have watched this, I just need to process! This is a long post.)

Why was I turned on to this? I kept reading here and on Twitter that this was a hard series to watch. So, of course, because I’m a glutton for all things that are emotionally difficult, I felt like I had to dive in.

I truly thought it was a remarkable piece of art, right in line as to why I love consuming Japanese media in particular. I think there are two central points as to why I loved this show.

1) Many times, in B/GLs and cishet dramas/doramas, a twist of a script will often have characters NOT reveal their entire scope of feelings, or emotions, or intentions.

At least -- from the VIEWER’S perspective -- that’s how we might see it, that a character is not being fully revelational in a moment where we, as viewers, think that they could say more.

I found myself feeling this way in the last episode of UK, when Hira and Kiyoi are in the classroom, and Kiyoi is asking Hira -- why didn’t you ever ask me about my own feelings?

Hira really doesn’t have a reply. I think we feel like we know why he didn’t have a reply -- I would ascribe it to his social awkwardness, which I’ll dive much more into later in this post.

So a viewer, like myself, might think or say: dude, Hira, ASK KIYOI HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU, LIKE RIGHT NOW. NOW’S YOUR MOMENT. SEAL THE DEAL, MY MAN.

But this is what I think I loved first about this show. Hira CANNOT relate to Kiyoi here. Not only is he not able to, but he’s never given an indication that he ever WANTED to. And I’m not convinced that he related to Kiyoi throughout the rest of the episode. Certainly, Hira was on cloud nine, particularly during the bike scene at the end, but I do not think I got an indication that Hira related to Kiyoi’s need for affirmation at all, even at the moment of their intercourse.

And frankly, I think this was brilliant, as I’ll move into my next point.

2) I wrote a ton about empathy/compassion bias during my watch of Extraordinary Attorney Woo this past summer, and I think the same principles of this concept apply here to watching UK, and answers my question of why people found this show hard to watch.

The main crux of this show relies on bullying from Kiyoi and his gang to Hira. Despite the bullying that we, as viewers, see and judge, Hira is and remains attracted to Kiyoi and idolizes him.

What I’ve read regarding why people found this show difficult to watch is that it seems like the bullying continues from Kiyoi to Hira throughout their entire relationship into their post-high school adulthood. Hira even indicates that Kiyoi is upending Hira’s life when Kiyoi re-appears while Hira is beginning to date Koyama.

But here’s the thing, and it’s relatable to something I wrote about EAW. While Hira is the center of bullying, this show clearly demonstrates that Hira has AGENCY.

He very much has agency. He has made the choice and decision not just to love Kiyoi, but to idolize him as a deity, which Kiyoi clarifies at the end of the series as problematic to how Kiyoi sees himself vis à vis his own insecurity. Which means also, that not only does Hira have AGENCY, but Hira is also as much as a narcissist as Kiyoi is throughout the series. As I mentioned before: not only does Hira not relate to Kiyoi, he doesn’t even try.

Now, I actually don’t mean to use the word “narcissist” in as negative a light as it’s usually used in everyday language. Narcissistic tendencies are often identified as co-morbid to some psychological diagnoses in the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) (which has problematic issues itself, but we’ll leave that for another time). (And really quickly, I have training in the social services, which allows me to talk about this with a touch of familiarity.)

Anyway: it’s made clear in the first episode of the series that Hira has either social anxiety, a social condition, or a social disorder. And he hasn’t had many, if any, friends or siblings throughout his life, so his ability to relate to others wasn’t sharpened or developed over his lifetime. Therefore: Hira has this innate narcissistic tendency to NOT relate to others, particularly when he is emanating intense feelings towards Kiyoi, without EVER knowing that it might behoove him to check in on how Kiyoi feels about that emanation.

I wonder if previous fans of this show, who were made uncomfortable by the bullying, didn’t see that Hira has massive agency here to make his own decisions about who he likes, and how he likes them. Because, as so happens with characters that are presented as out of the “normal” boundaries of social interactions -- we may have sympathy, empathy, or compassion for them.

While empathy, compassion, and/or sympathy are all wonderful emotions, the bias that we may view others vis à vis those emotions MUST be checked, in real life or while watching art. Because -- these emotions can create unspoken power differentials between a person that has power and one that doesn’t. For us in the social services, this most often comes out between a therapist and a client. An empathy bias may lead a therapist to, say, not believe that their client has agency to make a particular decision, for example.

So even while we feel badly that Hira gets bullied, I see that Hira has STILL made his decision to love Kiyoi, WITH agency. AND, because Hira has narcissistic tendencies, he ALSO hasn’t worked on relating to Kiyoi, which helps to create this whole maelstrom of back-and-forth feelings that Kiyoi tiptoes towards and rejects.

And, as I said earlier, Kiyoi is a narcissist, too, an obvious one. But he ALSO doesn’t know how to relate to others, as he lived a solitary life in front of the television while his mother moved on in her re-marriage in his childhood.

So you have these two guys, BOTH WITH AGENCY, both narcissists, both unable to relate to others, falling in love with each other, and expressing that love by either being a somewhat creepy stalker or a bully.

In other words -- it’s a GREAT high school dorama, ha!

And this is all why, again, I happen to love Japanese doramas. I don’t know why, but Japan just HITS on these AWKWARD (to us Western viewers) emotional displays and wranglings, WITHOUT a ton of explanation. We’re left to unwind this all out. It’s beautifully reminiscent of my childhood as an Asian gal, where so much emotion was left unspoken, although I’m glad I came out of that without so much trauma as to not be able to process these gorgeous pieces of art.

I totally loved this show. It was weird and complicated. I’d highly recommend it to anyone who feels wiggly about the bullying, reminding them that compassion can sometimes have powerful consequences in leading one to ignore the fact that those who we feel sympathy for have their own power and agency to lead their own lives.

#utsukushii kare #my beautiful man #utsukushii kare meta #my beautiful man meta #kiyoi x hira #hira x kiyoi #turtles catches up with the essential BLs

43 notes · View notes

fruitcoops · 4 years ago

Note

Hi Eve! Could you maybe write something like Sirius having a majorly stressful week and he's been on edge all day and he finally decides to go talk to Heather if only to just let it all out. By the time he comes home he's exhausted but Remus is all ready for him, and he's greeted with the sight of Remus in a nice little heap of blankets and pillows piled up on their sofa with a Disney movie ready to play and all his favourite snacks lined up on the coffee table. And Sirius of course just about dissolves into a puddle of affection and gratitude because Loops 🥰🥰🥰

It's honestly concerning how much fluff I write. Oh, well! This is such a cute idea and I'll never pass up an opportunity to write soft Coops <3 SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

“So, you’ve started baking?” Heather looked up as Sirius nodded, fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie. It still smelled a little like Remus from the last time he stole it, but not nearly enough to drown him in comfort. “That’s awesome. If you don’t mind, can I ask why you chose that as a hobby?”

“It’s—” Stupid. He bit the words back at the last second; Heather never liked self-deprecation, and they had been working on positive self-talk for…as long as Sirius could remember, really. “Uh, I helped Re’s mom make a pie over the holidays and I just have good memories associated with it, I guess.”

Heather jotted something down, her soft smile never faltering. She was wearing a sweater the same color as her name—it was distilled comfort, and Sirius felt some of the tension release from his back. “You said you do it when you’re stressed, right?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does the rhythm help, or is it something else?”

He stared at his hands, rubbing his thumb over the callus from his favorite spatula that was beginning to form. “I think…” he trailed off and bit his lower lip. Honesty always wins. Why do you like it so much? “The rhythm helps quiet my head down, yeah. And it smells like home. And—and if I do it right, I can’t screw it up.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“If I follow the recipe, it works. Every time. I can read the instructions as many times as I need to, and I can focus on that until everything up here—” He gestured vaguely toward his head. “—shuts up for a bit.”

Heather nodded; the room was quiet for a moment while she wrote before she settled into her chair and let out a slow breath. “I’m really happy you started doing this, Sirius.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep. We’ve talked about finding healthy amounts of control and tethers in your daily life, and from what you’ve said, this makes you happy in addition to helping you calm down. What do you do with everything you make?”

He shrugged. “Give it away, mostly. It’s healthier than store-bought stuff, and the guys like it. Re and I can’t eat it all ourselves.”

“How often do you stress bake?”

“Oh, probably three or four times a week.”

Shit, shit, shit. Heather’s eyebrows crept upward. “Oh?”

“…yes.” Can’t take it back now.

“Okay.” She made a quick mark on her clipboard—for the hundredth time, Sirius wished he could snatch it and run. “Interesting. Why are you so stressed?”

“It’s not like that all the time,” he said quickly. “Just over the past couple weeks.”

“What’s been going on?”

“Everything?” he said. It sounded more like a question. Heather made another note. “It’s—well, Jules got the flu two months ago and Re wasn’t sleeping because he was worried, so I got nervous and started staying up later so I’d be tired, but then I got bored and worried about both of them so I texted Hope about her pie recipe—"

“Sirius,” Heather interrupted gently. He closed his mouth and tucked his hands into his sleeves, palms itching. “Deep breaths, then tell me what’s been going on these past couple weeks specifically that was stressing you out.”

He obliged, counting ten before speaking again as his brain stopped feeling like someone poured pop rocks into it. “Right. So, this whole habit thing started two months ago, and we’re getting closer to you-know-what—”

“The playoffs?”

He made a quiet noise of distress and tapped the wood of the chair. “Oui, that. There’s a lot of pressure from last year, and when my friends are stressed, I get stressed, and baking is easy and fun so I just…didn’t stop. A lot of things are happening right now, and this feels like the only one I can control.”

“There you go,” she said with a proud smile. “Thank you.”

“What did I do?”

“You’re being more open and honest with yourself. It’s good to see.” She crossed one leg over the other and leaned slightly forward. “You’re a really, really good captain, Sirius. You are so in-tune with the other people in your life, but you’ve got to remember to step back and do things for yourself sometimes. Right now, baking is your stress relief because you can’t control your friends’ lives or emotional states. Try to find more things like that.”

He stared at her for a moment. “Are you diagnosing me with ‘needs a hobby’?”

“In a sense, yes. You have done an incredible job over the past few months of letting your world revolve around things other than hockey. Branching out to baking was an excellent choice. Now it’s time to find other things that give you similar comfort, okay?”

“Alright.”

“Fantastic. Let’s brainstorm.”

--------------------------------

Sirius dropped his bag next to the shoe rack and immediately leaned back against the door, closing his eyes with a sigh. Therapy was always exhausting, but usually in a good way. Already, he could feel the weight of the last three weeks lifting off his shoulders. “I’m home!” he called.

Remus materialized from the living room and padded over in his fuzzy socks, planting a kiss on each of Sirius’ cheeks. “You look tired. Good or bad?”

“Good,” he assured him. “We worked on finding a hobby.”

“Oh?”

“Apparently, baking every other day isn’t a great long-term coping mechanism.”

Remus kissed him lightly on the lips. “I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that.”

Sirius pulled back with a frown. “I thought you liked my baking.”

“I do. I also worry about how much space we have in our kitchen, and how much you sleep.” He gave Sirius a squeeze around the waist and patted his hip. “Now c’mere, I have a surprise.”

“What kind of surprise?” Sirius asked warily as he allowed himself to be pulled toward the living room. “Do we have company?”

“Does Hattie count?”

The dog in question barked when they entered the room, though she was buried beneath a mountain of blankets and only her nose and tail stuck out. In the hour and a half Sirius had been gone, the living room had transformed into a massive fort—the couch cushions were propped up around a nest of pillows and blankets, and low amber light fell over everything from the side table lamp. It radiated coziness and warmth; he felt the last bits of his exhaustion settle into contentment. “Wow.”

Remus beamed at him. “Do you like it?”

“I love it.” He cupped his face in his hands and nudged their noses together. “And I love you. So much. I’m going to go rinse off and change, but can we cuddle afterward?”

“What do you think this is for?” Remus teased. “You took my sweatshirt.”

“It’s too big for you anyway.”

“How long until I find it in my laundry pile because it doesn’t smell like me anymore?”

Sirius pretended to think for a moment, though he couldn’t keep his smile down as happiness bubbled through every vein. “Tomorrow.”

“Go take your shower,” Remus laughed, then kissed him once again. “I’ll see if I have anything else that’ll fit you.”

#sirius black #remus lupin #hattie #heather #sweater weather #coops #lumosinlove #my fic #fanfic #therapy #baking

213 notes · View notes