#i mean for context we were both in foster care an did not grow up in the same house

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

this isnt the first time this has happened either like i feel like 50% of the bond shared between me an my other sister was formed when she just happened to be into 30s-40s disney at the same time i was being autistic abt 30s-40s looney tunes

thinking abt the raads-r question "I only like to talk to people about my special interest" an how i answered thinking "no ofc not im rly good abt talking to ppl about things they wanna talk abt !!" but today my beloved sister told me that she just finished watching death note and after the conversation that followed i realized that i think i said more words to her today than ive said to her in the last six months

[empressgeekt]

Trolls/Batman Crossover - Branch Wayne

Okay, so I've kind of been making little fic prompts where Branch falls through the walls of canon as a child and is raised in alternative universes. Today, lovely people of tumblr, we are going to send our wonderful little grumpy bean into the care of one of fiction's most notorious adoption addict, Bruce Wayne.

Not entirely sure on when it happens, but considering that Branch is around 24 at the time of modern canon, that would put him in the same age range as Dick Greyson (I'm going by Wayne Family Adventures, because that's the most wholesome batfam in canon, and likely this post i made a while ago pls read it for context), so, he and Branch would be taken in around the same time. Maybe Gotham first left Branch with the Flying Greyson, before going with Bruce along with Dick.

In this world Batman would have two child side-kicks, Robin and Meadowlark (I was going to go with Raven but that was taken and Meadowlark are birds that mean the end of suffering). I'd imagine that Branch wouldn't be as vengeful as little Dick, but he'd still follow Dick to make sure nothing bad happened, and did agree to training when Bruce offered as he wanted to protect himself.

For the next few years things are peaceful, for Branch. He loves going to school, he loves his foster father, Dick is the best brother he's ever had, he loves being Meadowlark, Alfred is a saint, and the Batman's legend continued to grow. The trio really leans into the spirit garden accept of their mysterious nature, half the city thinks their demons. And all the rogues say it's true, because it's less embarrassing to get their butt kicked by demon's of dark justice then just a guy and two kids in furry costumes.

Of course all goo things must come to an end. While Branch can put up with Bruce's overprotective nature as he got older, Dick cannot and so he and Bruce are constantly butting heads. The hostile home environment, eventually boils over with Dick striking out on his own, but Branch does not take it well. Once more a brother has abandoned him, and it climax's in a total panic attack where Alfred gets the story of how Branch lost his bio-family, and he's terrified that it was happening again. All this Alfred, does tell Bruce and they both work to assure to Branch that he'd always have a home at Wayne Manor. Branch is one of the kids who didn't move out after he moved in.

When the other children come along, at first Branch is worried about doing what Dick and his brothers did and screwing up the littler ones even more, but eventually he finds confidence as his role of one of the oldest in the Bat's brood.

Jason is the one who has to deal with Branch's awkwardness the most, but the kid didn't really mind. Both of them were academically inclined and were often found cuddling after falling asleep from reading too long. Jason's adoption also prompts Branch to Ask Bruce if he could be adopted too, and when his request is granted he's nearly brought to tears. Because of all of this, Jason also grew much more attached to Branch then to Dick. Mostly because Branch was there, and wasn't fighting with Bruce every time they came in contact.

Speaking of post move out, Branch and Dick. After Jason's death (a crushing blow to Branch that forever solidified the joker as his least favorite rogue), Dick tries to come around more at Alfred's request, and well, Dick is heartbroken when he learns that Branch thought he wouldn't ever comeback. In Branch's mind, Dick fought with Bruce, left and wasn't ever going to come back. Dick will spend years trying to make it up to Branch, but they will never be as close as they were as young kids.

Tim had to deal with a grieving Branch and that Branch was mad. Mad on Tim's behalf that is. The Drake neglect hit all to close to him, making Branch remember the neglect that Troll village had for him. It like looking in a mirror, watching Tim go above and beyond to prove himself, as Robin. Branch is also pissed at Bruce, he gets it, Jason's death hurt him too, but that's no excuse to treat Tim like shit, when the kid was only trying to help. Knowing what it was like to have no one in his corner, Branch would do his best to be in Tim's both in and out of the Mask. They would bond over trying to solve famous cold cases, and sci-fi movies. With Branch, Dick, and Branch knocking some sense into Bruce earlier, Tim flourishes.

When Cass shows up, Branch's awkwardness returns, after all he's never had a sister before, and she doesn't talk. However, Branch would join in on the sign language lessons, and over time learns just how sweet of a girl she is. He teaches her to cook, and help her find herself.

Stephine (Yes, I count her, she might not be Bruce's kid, but she's definitely a bat-sib), is a little much for Branch. Her boundless energy is a lot like a certain pink Princess', but Branch can see the difference, Gotham knows Poppy would never be able to kick butt like Spoiler. Their not the closest but they know they can count on each other.

When Jason comes back as Red Hood, its bitter-sweet for Branch. On one hand Jason is alive, but the Red Hood is not same person that was once Branch's first little brother. Still Branch tries to get Jason to come home, it takes a while, after all Pit Rage is no joke. But Branch does help clear up a lot of the misconceptions between the stupid people in his family who won't communicate (not that he's any better at it).

For Damian, Athanasia, and Mara (The latter two are Damian's bio-sister and cousin/ Bruce needs more daughters people), Branch's job is simply, "Don't let them kill each other or anyone else". Athanasia is sweet enough, and is the least trouble maker out of all of them, but the other two? Mara seems to think she needs to compete for her place in the manor, and Damian is constantly trying to kill Tim, as he thinks that the middle child is after the batman title, which Damian wants for himself.

When Terry, Matt, Dana and Max, universe jump to save themselves, Branch is just there. He helps them adjust, but his role isn't that major.

By the time that he turns 24 in Gotham, Branch has a college degree (nothing about a bachelor's since, most masters/phd's holders become rogues and have been banned from the cave/manner), a father, a step-mother who cares (Selina), two loving Grandfathers (Alfred, Thomas Wayne [flashpoint]), Three badass aunts (Kate, Harley and Ivy), what ever the heck Luke and Babs are, and a gaggle of siblings he'd seriously maim anyone for (Dick, Jason, Cass, Stephine, Tim, Duke, Cullen, Harper, Damian, Athanasia, Mara, Terry, Max, Dana, Matt, and little baby Helena [also Keith, Zuko and Jet, if you count the other crossovers in the mentioned linked post at the top]), who all come over on Tuesday for a family dinner. His life is seemingly perfect.

However, for his bio-brothers things are very much not. By some miracle, they pull together to save Floyd, but it was a really close call. They all (+viva and poppy) make it to Gotham, via a very disgruntled John Constantine and a letter that Gotham left in Peppy's care.

I'm not entirely sure plot wise where it would go. I think they would probably land in Crime Alley, and be horrified by the place. The trolls world is bright and colorful, and Crime Alley is not. Maybe they'd come across some of the Alley kids and they would point out some grafiti of the Batfamily. Though, the would definitely get jumped once the sun goes down. Jason likely coming to their rescue.

Brozone's reaction to the Batfamily is a mix of shock and confusion. Branch has his own new family, and his new siblings aren't making it any easier. The adults (Bruce, Selina, Alfred, Kate, and Thomas) are civil, but still intimidating. The children however? Branch is their big brother, they are going to get a little petty revenge for him. Jason and Tim would just off the hand mention how dangerous their lives are and how Jason died. Cass would sneak up on them. Mara, Damain, Matt and Attie would openly threaten their lives. And the rest of them would totally flaunt how close they were as siblings even if they literally have tried to kill each other in the past.

A breakout would definitely happen at one point. Not sure when, but i'm tempted to pump up at least one of the Brozone members on Fear Toxin.

Also Bruce Wayne and TBruce meeting would be weird. Like two guys by the name of Bruce with over ten children each? Yeah, BW would take the possibility of them being multiversal counterparts way too seriously.

So ya'll thoughts? I have people from both of these fandoms watching my account, so I'm interested in what ideas ya'll have.

[eclectickss]

Make Me Feel Special (1/2)

Pairing: Milf!Agatha Harkness x fem!reader

Warnings: Mommy issues/kink, sexual implications, major age gap (reader is of age)

Summary: You are angry at your best friend for turning down the opportunity for something that you would give your life for: a mother.

Word Count: 3K?

Link to Part 2

A/N: Not grammar checked at all! A blurb gone big!(still at writers block on PGATW) But requests are open! I’ve never done one before but i’m willing to try. <3

-

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-

You entered the apartment and placed your keys in the dish and jacket on it’s hook, making your way into the kitchen to place your to-go food in the fridge. Jane sat at the island on the computer you shared, and you smiled.

“Hey, I picked up sandwiches for dinner. Hope that’s cool.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Your best friend didn’t look up, but it didn’t really bother you. Well, she was your only friend, but still.

You and Jane had been sharing the apartment for years now, The two of you working a good job to afford it and making a livable income. You had been close since high-school, due to your similar social status, but beyond the two of you, nobody was too good at making friends.

From what she had told you, Jane’s mom wasn’t around much when she was growing up. Jane was a teen pregnancy, and ever since she was born, her mom made no time for her daughter. Agatha, was her name.

Agatha came from a wealthy family, though. Her parents (Jane’s grandparents) wouldn’t allow her to use the family money for her child, much less anything else. She struggled with Jane, and therefore the two of them were ever close.

Agatha’s parents died when Jane was in high-school, so her mom inherited their wealth, but their relationship was past salvageable. At least in Jane’s eyes, it was.

Jane was always telling you about how bad of a mom Agatha was and about how you were lucky that you didn’t have to deal with someone like her. Jane didn’t understand though. You would had given anything to have someone like Agatha. Even if she wasn’t around to much, it was still better than nobody at all.

-

-

-

You were now setting the table for two as you pulled the sandwiches out of the fridge, also finding some strawberries to place at the table. You now were looking through the pantry for chips when you heard a knock at the door and Jane moving around to answer it.

“Mom?!” You heard at the door while you still had your head buried in the pantry. Your eyes widened at the name, never expecting to hear it in your life (in that context, at least). You thought Agatha was out of the picture. “What are you doing here?” You stayed silent as you listened from around the corner.

“Well, I think it’s long overdue that we had a talk, Jane, honey.” She sounded a little more raspy than you were expecting, but that doesn’t say much about someone who used to be an addict.

“We don’t do that, Mom. Anyways, now isn’t a good time.” You heard your friend sigh. The woman was your literal mother... you could at least give her five minutes, you thought.

“I want to start, honey. Please just let me in?”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“C’mon, kiddo.” She begged, and you felt a little bad for how Jane was acting. You know her mom wasn’t a great person, but she was still her mom.

You never got to have one of those.

“If this is just you on another one of your sobriety stunts...”

“I’m really trying this time, Jane! I know I fucked up, baby, but please.”

“Fine.” Your friend grumbled. You heard increasing footsteps and your heart raced as you were about to meet the source of Jane’s complaints and drama.

You hurried to sit at the kitchen counter before the two women caught you snooping, but your gaze snaps up just in time to see Agatha Harkness walk into the room.

Jane might have always mentioned that her mother was any and all variations of a bitch, but she failed to mention how attractive the woman was. Her messy brown hair sat on top of an old purple cardigan and worn out jeans, followed by a pair of well-used slip-on shoes. The look together was not extremely flattering, but Agatha somehow pulled it together in a way that made your stomach turn. Your eyes raked her down, but you think she caught you when you met her gaze again. She smirked softly.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you had guests!” She says as her own eyes follow your figure, and you wonder if she’s just doing it to mock you or flatter you. She looks back up with a glimmer in her eye, and you decide on the latter option. Your face goes red, but you try and brush her actions off, not wanting to mistake it for anything else.

“Didn’t I say that this was a bad time?” Jane grumbled.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Harkness. My name is YN.” You smiled as you held out your hand.

“Call me Agatha, darling.” She stared into your eyes. “It’s so nice to finally meet one of Jane’s friends.” You panic under her gaze.

“We were just about to sit down for dinner, if you want to join us. We don’t have any food for you, but-“

“Oh, thank you... I was hoping I could talk to Jane in private, though.” She walked over to the table and took a seat.

“Whatever you have to say to me, you can say it to YN, too.” The two of you joined Agatha at the table.

A long moment of awkward silence passsed between the three of you before your guest finally spoke up.

“I want you in my life, Jane. For real this time.”

Nobody says anything, and dishes stop clattering.

“I know I shoulda done this earlier... hell, I shoulda done this when I got claim to my parent’s money, but I want to look after you. I never got the chance to do that when you were young... cause of all the drinking and working... but I can do that now. I’m ready.”

Jane sat with her mouth open and a half eaten sandwich forgotten on her plate.

“No, Mom, you shoulda done this from the moment I was conceived. You don’t get a second chance with me. I’m not giving you a second chance, or a third or a fourth or whatever number you wanna give yourself. You wanna know why? It’s because I already did that. And you let me down every single time.”

Agatha looked a little speechless.

“Fine, then.” She sighed. “I won’t bother you again.” But it hurt you to watch a daughter turn away her mother, when that was an opportunity that you wanted so badly. “Is it alright if I stay the night, though? It’s a long drive back to my place.”

Jane rolled her eyes, knowing that her mother was being dramatic, but didn’t want to put up with any more of her antics. “I better not see you in the morning. YN can get blankets for the couch.”

-

-

-

“Hey, Jane,” You sighed as you entered her room.

“Hey, YN. I’m sorry you had to deal with the shit show that is my mother. I can’t believe she just walked in here and expected me to accept her pathetic invitation.”

“No, it’s ok. She’s not that bad with me.”

“Well she just met you. I just don’t understand why she thought showing up unannounced would magically make me want a mother again. It’s fucked up.” Jane said, but you couldn’t sit there and watch her tear down something that you wish you had.

“Yeah,” you mumbled and rushed out of her room before she could say anything else.

You walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass, then headed over to the sink for some tap water. The cool liquid rushed down your throat as you held down your tears, thankful that nobody was around.

“Hey, Honey,”

Shit. You forgot that Agatha was on the couch.

You turn around to see her meeting your gaze, although her eyes quickly found the way to the rest of your body.

“You doing alright, babygirl?” The nickname made you heat up. She spoke with concern and care; something that Jane chose to ignore, which made you feel bad for Agatha. You wish that Jane wouldn’t take for granted what her mother was trying to offer her.

“Uh... yeah... I guess.” You sigh, hopping up to sit on the counter as you watch the other woman fill her own glass at the sink. “Jane is just... being a little hard right now.” You chose your words carefully, not wanting to lose the trust of your friend but also wanting to gain the trust of another.

“What do you mean?” You realize the situation you have put yourself in.

“It’s just... I didn’t have a mom at all growing up. Or a dad. I had my shitty uncle... until he tossed me into the foster system. I had it real rough... and it still kinda is... but Jane has been helping. That’s why we’re friends at least. She might view me as a charity project, but i’m desperate, I guess.”

“What does all of this have to do with Jane being hard, hon?” She leaned onto the counter across from you.

“She didn’t really have a mom, either... growing up. No offense.”

Agatha shrugged. “I know.”

“But now that she’s given an opportunity to have one, she turns it down... and it makes me jealous. Mad. Angry.” You pause. “I know I’ll never get the chance at a mom, but she has one. And fuck, I would give so much to have that.”

“To have someone like me? A recovering drunk who treated their teen pregnancy like a joke?”Agatha sighed into her hands, but her words meant so much more to you than she may ever know.

“Yeah. To have someone like you. Someone who cares.” At that, she looked up with a new light in her eyes, but you don’t meet her gaze. You don’t want her to see the blush or desire written on your face, so instead, you pull a cigarette out from your jacket pocket.

She watches you as you hop down from the counter to get the lighter out of the junk drawer, paying attention to the way your body moves. You notice how her eyes follow you, but you don’t call her out on it, knowing you would do the same if the roles were reversed.

“You want a hit?” You lift your eyebrow as you raise the smoke to meet her gaze. A glint of humor is caught on her face, and you smirk.

“Sure... why not.” She says as you join her in leaning up against the counter. You bring the cigarette up to your mouth and click the lighter.

“So,” Agatha starts again, both of you a few puffs in. “How did you end up here with Jane?”

“Uhh... we met senior year of high-school. I was fucked up. Shit grades. Wasn’t going to graduate. Drug money to pay off... no job. Jane used your money to pay off my debt. She found me a job. Tutored me. Like I said, I felt like a charity project. But at least I graduated. We both work now and pay for this place together. Maybe it’s not great but we’re both better off than we were a few years ago.”

“Why didn’t she accept anything I tried to give her? Did she tell you?” Agatha was prying, but you didn’t mind.

“You mean after high-school? She didn’t want any help from you. In her words exactly... ‘She wasn’t there for me for the first 18 years of my life, so why should she help out now...’”

“And what do you think about that?”

“I didn’t grow up poor, Agatha. I grew up with nothing. I would have taken any of your offers in a heartbeat, no matter how guilty they made me feel.”

“Good girl.” She nearly whispers, and you turned to face her, but you couldn’t make anything out of the expression written on her face. Your own skin was hot and something was burning in your core, and you didn’t know what to think.

“I’m sorry... what did you just say?” You watched as she put the cigarette out, now giving you her undivided attention.

“So tell me, honey, do you have a boyfriend? I’m assuming a pretty thing like you would have one. Tell me about him.” Part of you wondered where this conversation was going, but the other part assumed that she already knew which direction you leaned in.

“Uhh... not my type.” You stared at her with curiosity.

“So you got a girlfriend, then?” Her new confidence shocked you a little bit.

“Uhh... no.” You tilted your head, and she seemed to pick up on your confusion.

“Good girl.” Your mouth was dry. “You see, mommy doesn’t want you having a girlfriend... no, she wants you all to herself.”

Your eyes widen in shock, but your core aches and cheeks burn. You stare at the woman next to you as a hand slides onto your thigh.

“Oh come on, darling. You said you wanted a mommy, baby. I wanna take care of you. I see the way you look at me. Don’t deny you want me too.” She spins around and pins you to the counter, and you audibly gulp.

“But- Jane.” You whine, already being driven crazy by the proximity of Agatha’s body.

“Jane is kicking me out, baby girl. And you can come live with me. Mommy has a pretty house, honey. I can feed you, clothe you... make you feel good. I can make you feel special.” And God, your soul was ready to leave your body. You wanted this. You could hardly think as her soft lips grazed over the skin on your neck, and a soft moan escaped your throat. Her tongue and teeth pulled at the skin just below your ear, trying to pull a response out of you.

“Mom!” The both of you jumped at the third voice in the room. The two of you turn to Jane in shock. “What the FUCK are you doing!” She rushed over to the two of you, pulling Agatha off of your body. “You can’t just come into my life and try to fuck my friends after someone rejects you!” She pushes her mom back and turns to you.

“Oh my god, YN, are you ok? I cannot believe that she tried to touch you. God, that makes me sick.” She hugged you, but you still couldn’t say anything.

“Jane, honey, you don’t know-“

“Shut up! I can’t even look at you! Get out of my house, mom. I never want to see you again.” Jane’s face turned red with anger.

“Honey-“ Agatha met eyes with you, but you didn’t know what to do.

“Leave! Now.” She seethed and stomped back to the bedroom, expecting Agatha to be gone when she got back.

The woman in front of you moved silently while you still processed what just happened. When she returned with her belongings, she gave you a note, but headed out without saying a word.

After a few minutes, you finally looked at the piece of paper in hand.

If you ever make up your mind...

1286 Lincoln St NW

(673) 867-5309

-Agatha

-

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-

“YN, are you sure you’re alright? I really never would have expected my mom to touch you or even make you feel uncomfortable. I’m so sorry.” Jane sighed as she sat on the bed.

“I’m fine, J. You don’t have to apologize on her behalf.” You replied, sitting on the chair opposite her.

“I mean what even happened. Why did she do that?”

“Umm... I don’t know. We were just talking and then she started that.”

“What we’re you talking about?”

“Oh, I was just explaining how we met.” You tentatively answered.

“YN you didn’t have to tell her that. I know it’s personal for you, I can’t believe she forced you to talk about it.

“I uhh- actually didn’t mind. I wasn’t forced.”

“Then why would you trust her with something like that? You know how she is.”

“Because...” You thought about your next words carefully. “She cares.” Jane scoffs.

“That must be a different woman we’re talking about, YN. My mom is a selfish bitch who only cares for herself.”

That tipped the iceberg for you.

“You know, Jane? I understand that you and her might never be besties like she wants you to be, but that doesn’t mean you get to fuck her over now that she’s trying.” Your friend looks up at you in shock.

“Well she fucked me over my entire life, so I don’t see why I can’t do the same.”

“Because! Jane! She’s changed! It’s only right that you give her one more shot in your life!”

She took a pause.

“I’m sorry, YN, are you defending my MOM? After everything she’s done to me, and everything i’ve done for you?!”

“Yes. It is sick watching you throw something away that I can only dream of.” You spat angrily.

“Geez, YN. Just- get out of my fucking house. Keep your rent money for the month. Pack your shit and get the hell out of here.” She nearly ran out of the room.

But you weren’t surprised. In fact, you expected this the moment you chose your side.

-

-

-

The knocks resonate through the large door attached to the even larger house. Agatha has money.

You thought Jane was over exaggerating a little bit, but now you understood that she wasn’t. You sighed as your cab sped away, and now all you could do was wait.

Agatha opened the door, slightly shocked to see you, but nevertheless happy.

“Hey baby, what is it?”

You took a deep breath, taking in the sight of the woman who stood in front of you.

“I want you to make me feel special, mommy.”

-

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link to part 2

[drake-the-incubus]

/rp

EDIT: Added a read more, the post had been originally written on mobile

For context, unless stated otherwise for the most part, this is the roleplay dynamic.

Ayyy, been seeing some Dream SMP takes on Tommyinnit’s character development that are pretty uh, piss poor. I want to point some obvious things out to people. Especially following the Technoblade/Tommyinnit team disbanding.

Techno isn’t right. Techno was certainly not in the right there, and Tommy didn’t do anything that regressed his character either, his entire character came to a development.

Let’s Start by pointing out that Wilbur has posted their Dungeons and Dragons Alignments, where Techno is Lawful Neutral and Tommy is Chaotic good. (For sake of the post, Tubbo is Lawful Good.)

So I’m going to break down exactly what was going on there and how it developed the characters.

If we go by Technoblade first, I’m seeing a lot of people say he’s better than Dream- he is- and therefore Tommy shouldn’t have left. Which is true, Techno is better than Dream, but he’s just like Wilbur. Watching from Technoblade’s POV, you notice that he starts carrying a book of the To-Do List he intends to do with Tommy. Outlining that he wants to destroy L’Manburg and tried, at almost every chance he got, to convince Tommy to do so.

Tommy said no, he didn’t want to destroy L’manburg, because he cared for it. He outright said no, he JUST wanted his discs back.

Techno concedes, saying Tommy doesn’t have to participate, only after failing to convince him many times.

Techno the entire time, tried to convince Tommy that Tubbo wasn’t his friend, that Tubbo obviously doesn’t care for him. (Not true, as Tubbo literally mourned him and thought he was dead and it destroyed him.) Which is EXACTLY what Wilbur did.

This is an isolation tactic. Techno used ANY means necessary to try and recruit Tommy. Because his character doesn’t care about interpersonal relationships so long as he gets his goal- possibly excluding Phil. His entire character sticks to one set of Morals and set of laws he’s self imposed. (Canonically refusing to truly give up violence).

1. Governments are bad.

2. Governments must be destroyed.

3. The means justify the ends so long as it destroys the government.

Technoblade’s character gets a lot of sympathy, which is cool, but I want to point out while he personally was felt betrayed, he never was.

Techno from the start, was anti-government. Willing to destroy it all so long as another country was never rebuilt. That was his only condition.

Except he KNEW everyone else wanted L’manburg back, that’s what the fight was about. It was very transparent that everyone else was working for L’manburg back.

The three people who wanted it destroyed? Wilbur, Dream and Techno.

Techno wasn’t betrayed, he chose to ignore the goals of his allies until it came time that everyone took back L’manburg. He ignored knowledge that was given to him plenty of times, by Tommy himself even. They wanted L’manburg back. Techno talks of betrayal, but when Tommy points out that Techno betrayed them, he falters and excuses himself.

Which brings Tubbo into the mix. Tubbo was an ally, and he was working with them, WILLINGLY, to give information because he wanted to take down Schlatt and return L’manburg to how it was. He was trapped, scared and wanted help. In the festival, when Technoblade shoots him, THAT is a clear act of betrayal. Techno kills Tubbo, at Schlatt’s orders, betraying Tubbo and Tommy’s trust in him as he worked, clearly, for the other side, against their collective goals.

Techno claims the ends justify the means, and that he was under mild amounts of peer pressure. This is an example of his character. He doesn’t feel bad for hurting his ally, because they got something out of it. If it suits him, he WILL hurt his allies to get ahead in his goals, and he will say anything to justify it.

Tommy’s character cannot agree with this. He values friendship the most, and would give up his goals for his friends, as a true Chaotic Good, he values his friends and the people around him, over any law or morals, and would break his laws and morals for it.

He couldn’t understand Techno shooting Tubbo, because he wouldn’t. There wouldn’t be a force on the SMP that could make him shoot Tubbo in Techno’s place. They have too widely different views, where Tommy values friendship and people, Techno values ideals and goals.

So, we’re not even done and this is pretty long, let’s cover Tommy and the discs. The entire plot device for season one and two.

Tommy’s attention to the discs are goal oriented, to get back his discs no matter the costs, yeah? Except I feel like some of you have no idea where this goal came from. Tommy gave up the discs before, despite fighting for them desperately, so his friends could have L’manburg. He fought desperately, to have those discs back initially, as a war against Dream.

“Before this, before everyone, before L’manburg, it’s always been me and you, against Dream.” Tommy to Tubbo, before the Pogtopia vs Manburg war. (Might not be a true quote.)

This isn’t just a cute little moment, Tommy CARES for Tubbo deeply, they’re some of the closest friends on the SMP. He fought Techno because Techno killed Tubbo. It was personal for him, that is his best friend and he would do anything for him.

Tommy does, do anything for Tubbo, promising that no matter what, it will be the both of them. That they will always be together. This isn’t showing his hero complex, this isn’t a show of some inherent flaw. This is Tommy’s closest and most valuable interpersonal relationship. Chaotic Good Tommy values his friendships deeply.

So when Techno continuously tries to pressure Tommy into believing Tubbo and him aren’t friends, that Tubbo doesn’t care, and so they should hurt Tubbo to get the discs back, Tommy refuses. He refuses over and over again, claiming he trusts Tubbo will give back the disc.

Technoblade uses the framework Dream made, by the way, to accomplish this. He takes Tommy’s fragile mental state and uses that to his advantage. He does what Wilbur does, and almost succeeds. Tommy falters, believing momentarily that Tubbo doesn’t care. Something Dream was trying to convince him of in his isolation. Which isn’t true. Tubbo, upon learning Tommy is dead, is in disbelief and despair.

Let’s talk about the hostage situation for a moment. Tommy tells Tubbo off for not coming to his beach party, and that he was never visited, never received letters, and he was told the same thing from Tubbo as Wilbur said; “I wasn’t invited. I did send you things.”

The broken relationship we see? It’s falsely constructed by Dream. That bond exists still, fractured because someone came in with the intentions to break and destroy Tommy’s interpersonal relationships and manipulate him.

Tommy’s exile arc, was an abuse arc. Tommy was regularly abused by Dream. Techno profited off it, and used Tommy’s fragile mental state to try and achieve his goals, not even trusting Tommy until, in his fragile state, they both threaten Fundy. Techno sees this as commitment to the cause.

Tommy wanted his discs, Techno wanted L’Manburg destroyed.

So when the community house was destroyed, and we get that scene with Techno going with Tommy, they both have a moment. But I’ll address that in a second.

First, Tommy rushes in to defend himself, saying he didn’t destroy the community house. That he was innocent.

Tubbo doesn’t believe him. Why? Because Tommy does this. Tommy destroys things, he burned George’s house (taking the fall for Ranboo), he did plenty of things.

Tommy and Tubbo fight, and Tommy says, “the discs were worth more than you ever were”. This line, I’ve seen it interpreted many ways, one being he used to value the discs over Tubbo, and another being his values as a character.

It’s neither, by the way. It’s a heat of the moment comment, it shocks Tommy into silence, he instantly regrets it. He hates that he said it. Tommy’s goals, in that moment, change, based on his alignment. His goal doesn’t matter, if it’s hurting the people he cares for. It’s hurting Tubbo, it’s time to get rid of the goal.

In that instant, the discs do not matter. They mean nothing. Tommy doesn’t care for them. This is the moment that he GROWS as a character. Instead of obsessively wanting the discs and harming his friends for it, he is willing to let them go so he can foster his friendship. His arc, comes to an end. He doesn’t choose to be a hero again, that’s not what that is. No, he chooses his friend, the one he’s put so much faith and trust into, over something he has realized doesn’t mean more.

He tells Tubbo to give the disc to Dream, because he doesn’t care about them anymore, the sentimentality he has with them and Tubbo mean nothing if he loses Tubbo. Chaotic Good, he chooses the people over his goals and morals (which change on a whim).

Techno, who was using the discs to get Tommy to cooperate, who only recently thought Tom y and him were equals, is enraged because he can’t understand it. He can’t understand Tommy giving up his goal, because he couldn’t. His goals and ideals, they never went away in retirement, he was always wanting to destroy the government, he was planning it behind Phil’s back even. Everything he did was in preparation for a war. I think, even without the execution, Techno would have gone back to his ideals to destroy the government.

Which is why Techno, is angry. He feels betrayed, because once again, the outcome that was obvious happened, and someone stuck to their own words. Tommy would never harm Tubbo, and he wasn’t going to help Techno against L’Manburg.

But Tommy doesn’t do it maliciously against Techno, willing to even try and stay friends, showing he still cared for him. Tommy values his friends, including Techno in that moment.

What Techno sees is Tommy’s betrayal, Tommy broke their alliance because his goal is gone. “Help me get back the discs.” Tommy said when they made that deal. That no longer applies, Tommy was never intending on helping with the destruction of L’Manburg or the death of his friend.

Techno, once again, convinced himself that he would be assisted in his goal despite the vocal outcry against it.

So what does Techno do? He gets revenge. He teams up with Dream immediately.

That’s Techno’s character. Interpersonal bonds mean nothing if they get in the way of his goal, but he doesn’t go out of his way to purposefully destroy them. The MOMENT Tommy isn’t with him, Techno doesn’t have an issue with Dream or what he’s done.

Techno willingly teams up with Tommy’s abuser, because he gets his goal.

Tommy, who still cares for Techno is in shock at this. He sees Techno as a friend, like Tubbo. This hurts him.

Techno, later, even goes on to say he doesn’t care for friends so long as the people he’s with share his ideals, ending into the extreme of his alignment.

Techno has never been a good guy. He’s an antagonist of the SMP. Particularly, he’s not a villain, but antagonist. He’s an obstacle. Not via his person, but his goals.

And he wins, and he tells Tommy, “you never saw me as a person, only a weapon, you betrayed me twice now”.

Tommy, who has seen them as friends, after Techno broke their friendship off the first time with the withers, counters, “and what of Schlatt and what you did to Tubbo”.

Which Techno dismisses as, “in the past” and “it doesn’t matter”. To Techno, it’s not relevant how he treats others, his betrayal to other people doesn’t matter, just the perceived betrayal towards himself.

In the end, Techno is blinded by his beliefs. They controlled him to the extremes. To the point where he would burn any bridge made to keep them.

But Tommy? Tubbo? They gave up L’Manburg, to make their own little place. No vocal apologies were given, yes, and they should address that, but they gave up the country to be together as friends.

And for anyone wondering, Tommy and Tubbo are friends again, through action. Tommy, contrasting his words, gave the discs up to repair his friendship.

Techno, true to his word, destroyed the country and killed anyone who stood in his way. Even going out of his way sometimes to target Tubbo and Tommy.

In short, Techno was a second Wilbur to Tommy, and it shows that some people ignored the subtle manipulation attempts to achieve his goal. Is he as bad as Dream? No, not even close actually. But he’s as bad as Wilbur.

I also want to point something out on ages. Techno is canonically an adult. Tommy is a child, a kid. He’s a kid. The dynamic between them was skewed.

Techno saw a kid, in distress, and in a poor mental state, and tried to manipulate him.

When the kid figured out he didn’t want his goal anymore, he backed out. Techno punished him, by repeating what would be a huge source of trauma for him.

Techno tried to destroy L’Manburg, and succeeded. And he told Tommy that, “you could have just sat out”.

Tommy couldn’t. Because Tubbo is, and always will be, his closest friend. He values his bonds, but he promised Tubbo it was the two of them.

As Philza is the exception to Techno’s alignment, the promise to Tubbo is the exception to Tommy.

There was no betrayal, but a shift in goals and ideals from Tommy, which lead to Tommy and Technoblade no longer needing to be allies.

The narrative isn’t supposed to be black and white, that’s most of the characters. Techno being a big perpetrator of this. The narrative is a morally Grey area, where you can side with whoever you want.

That’s it, that’s the meta.

- Signed, A Techno and Tommy apologist

[theprettyinthemundane]

Who’s right about the myths and what does it mean to be culturally Christian? (using Pan as an example)

Thanks to @will-o-the-witch for looking over the part on Judaism!! : )

Disclaimer:

The ancient world was incredibly diverse and ideas about the gods themselves and the myths varied a lot across space and time, which is something I’ll be mentioning again later. I feel like it’s important to have a better understanding about the myths since they’re so prevalent in culture. Essentially, while many people today may tend to think there’s only one “right” way to see the myths or a god this was and is not the case for many faiths. To show this, I wanted to use Pan and his parentage as an example. This also connects to a broader idea: cultural Christianity (which isn’t “bad” or “good”, it’s just something to be aware of). This isn’t about Christians either, just about how cultural Christianity can affect peoples’ perception of other faiths. Whether or not someone is Christian themselves, growing up in a Christian place can incorrectly inform how they learn about other faiths which can lead to misinformation being spread. Sometimes it can (even accidentally) reinforce very harmful ideas that can contribute to bigotry like antisemitism, which we have to fight against!  (Seriously, bigotry sucks! Also I hope the way I word all this makes sense because it’s something I care a lot about!)

So, who are Pan’s parents and who’s right?

Pan is often known as Hermes’ son, even the Homeric hymn to Pan says so (1). Hermes is widely known as the “second youngest Olympian”, which would make Pan among the very youngest if this genealogy is considered (2).

           However, that isn’t the genealogy everyone in the ancient world used to describe Pan. There are many variations on his parentage, and I think it’s worth going over because of how interesting it is. Who Pan’s parents are often changes depending on who you ask or where you ask it. For example, at times he has been called the son of Hermes (1, 3: pg90,151), if you ask 5th century Athenians he is the son of Chronos (3: pg42, 88), he was also known as the son of Zeus and twin of Arcas’ (3: pg43), the great grandson of Pelasgos who was a mortal, bother or foster brother of Zeus (3: pg113) and in Thebes he was believed to be the son of Apollo (3: pg180). He was also called Son of Aix (the solar goat too bright to look at, equated with Amalthea nurse of Zeus) (3: pg100). There were likely other variations too that were lost to history.

           One thing worth noting is that Pan originated in Arcadia and before the Battle of Marathon in 490 BCE, his worship was mainly preformed here and it was only after that battle that his worship spread widely to the rest of Greece (4, 5). So, the myths of Pan from Arcadia are typically older and reflected older views that worshipers held of him. One example is that Pan helped Zeus in the war against the titans and these myths point to Pan’s father being Chronos (or at least placing him before Hermes’ birth):

 Pan has been described as “the source of that "panic" fear with whose aid he helped the gods in their war against the Titans …” and the son of Cronos and a she-goat (3: pg42). In fact, Aeschylus believed Pan to be two gods: both of which had the power of panic and one of them fought against the titans with Zeus (3: pg42) this is interesting because in other myths Pan was able to split up into a swarm of pans, so Pan being a multiplicity  of gods and also a single god isn’t unheard of (3: pg100). Overall, most people understood him to be one god (like we do today), but this just shows how much diversity there was in how people saw him.

And in Egypt he was viewed similarly to the Pan who fought in the war with the titans (as one of the oldest gods):  

“…the Egyptians Pan is considered very ancient and one of the eight gods said to be the earliest…(6)”

Here he was identified with the Egyptian god Min, which may seem a bit problematic to some because otherwise they were revered as different gods (6). However, the practice of identifying gods with other gods (aka syncretism) was not uncommon in the ancient world; Hekate-Artemis, Selene-Hekate, and Selene-Artemis were identified with each other commonly (7, 8). Other syncretisms were between Isis and Demeter, Isis and Persephone, Isis and Aphrodite, and Isis and Venus (9: pg 20). I am not a classics student, but what I have taken away from this is that the identity of the ancient gods is somewhat fluid and many worshipers could have differing and even contradictory views without either of them being “wrong”, even though some likely did argue or disagree to some extent (6). I’m not claiming there wasn’t debate in the ancient world about the gods, there definitely was. What I’m saying is that people did not fight to discredit new or different ideas just because they conflicted with already established ideas. There was a great deal of variation in how people worshiped and most weren’t interested in a one “right way” to do things.

           This isn’t only an ancient practice: it still happens today in Shinto in general and with the kamisama* Inari Ōkami (稲荷大神), who has been portrayed as a group of kamisama, as masculine, androgynous, and feminine (10). So in general this practice of seeing kamisama (or supernatural beings, or gods) in many different ways with acceptance is more common than one might expect (10, 11). This also happens today in Judaism, where debate is very common:

“Nevertheless, the general trend throughout Jewish history is to value debate and not to stifle it, and the history of Jewish texts supports that trend. (12)” Some examples of this are how many Jewish people debate the Talmud (a religious text) and how there are many different sects of Judaism.

          One important thing for people who are interested in this subject and were raised in a Christian culture (even if they aren’t religious) is to not overextend the characteristics of Christianity onto other religions ancient or modern (this is often accidental, which makes it even more important to be aware of it). This is relevant to both ancient and modern religions such as Shinto and Judaism because misunderstanding these faiths can contribute to terrible things like antisemitism and xenophobia (more so with Judaism). So, we need to guard against bigotry like that by being open to learning and changing our opinions when they are wrong both for learning and fighting bigotry. 

          In fact, one scholar noted that even in Arcadia Pan’s cult and myth were not standardized although what I have mentioned before was certainly the more popular (13: pg 63) So, even though Herodotus heard from people in Egypt who worshiped Min, it is not unheard of or unreasonable to understand that some people did understand him that way. To answer the question I asked earlier: each myth about Pan’s parentage has some element of truth to it and none of them are completely “right” or “wrong”. For example, Hermes being Pan’s father echoes the fact that both of them are liminal deities and usually are shown being close to mortals (3: 178).

Conclusion:

          Pan is commonly considered the son of Hermes, however there was immense variation in how others saw him, both across space and time. One specific idea- that Pan helped Zeus in the war against the titans and that he is among the eldest of the gods- would contradict the Hermes genealogy and was prevalent in some areas. This is the case in Egypt where he was conflated with the local god Min. While this could seem confusing to modern readers (both the Min thing and the various genealogy thing), many faiths both ancient and modern do not push for one “right way” of seeing things and this is important to understand when learning about these things.

              Another way of looking at this concept is the idea of cultural Christianity. It does not matter if a person is religious or even Christian, by growing up in a culturally Christian place their assumptions about other faiths are automatically informed by Christianity, which does not reflect most other faiths. This is not good or bad, it’s just something to be aware of and work around so that we can better understand these other faiths. It is especially important to keep in mind today as misunderstandings about religions can contribute to dangerous bigotry like antisemitism, which we must stand against!

*In Shinto kami (or kamisama) are supernatural beings who inspire awe, they are the main object of worship in Shinto. Please don’t call Shinto kamisama “gods”, it’s inaccurate and doesn’t represent how people see them. Due to how Shinto and Japanese mythology are different from Western mythology we need to take care when talking about it to keep it in its original context.

Citations:

1: Hymn 19 to Pan Hugh G. Evelyn-White, Ed. http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=HH+19

2: da Costa Martins, P. A., Leptidis, S., & De Windt, L. J. (2014). Nuclear Calcium Transients: Hermes Propylaios in the Heart. Doi: 10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.114.010675

3: Borgeaud, P., & Atlass, K. (1988). The cult of Pan in ancient Greece. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. ISBN 13: 9780226065953

4: GARTZIOU-TATTI, A. (2013). GODS, HEROES, AND THE BATTLE OF MARATHON. Bulletin of the Institute of Classical Studies. Supplement, (124), 91-110. Retrieved June 23, 2020, from www.jstor.org/stable/44216258

5: Haldane, J. (1968). Pindar and Pan: Frs. 95-100 Snell. Phoenix, 22(1), 18-31. doi:10.2307/1087034

6: Griffiths, J. G. (1955). The orders of Gods in Greece and Egypt (according to Herodotus). The Journal of Hellenic Studies, 75, 21-23. Doi: 10.2307/629164

7: MANOLEDAKIS, M. (2012). Hekate with Apollo and Artemis on a Gem from the Southern Black Sea Region. Istanbuler Mitteilungen, 62, 289-302.

8: E. Hijmans, S. (2012). Moon deities, Greece and Rome. In The Encyclopedia of Ancient History (eds R.S. Bagnall, K. Brodersen, C.B. Champion, A. Erskine and S.R. Huebner). doi:10.1002/9781444338386.wbeah17276

9: Witt, R. E. (1997). Isis in the ancient world. JHU Press. ISBN-13: 978-0801856426

10:  Smyers, K. (1996). "My Own Inari": Personalization of the Deity in Inari Worship. Japanese Journal of Religious Studies, 23(1/2), 85-116. Retrieved June 23, 2020, from www.jstor.org/stable/30233555

11: Lya. 2015. Interview with Gary Cox - Inari Faith International (VO) https://www.equi-nox.net/t10647-interview-with-gary-cox-inari-faith-international-vo

12: Mjl. Conversation & Debate. www.myjewishlearning.com. https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/conversation-debate/

13: Ogden, D. (Ed.). (2010). A companion to Greek religion. John Wiley & Sons. Print ISBN:9781405120548 |Online ISBN:9780470996911 |DOI:10.1002/9780470996911

[mariaaxescallop]

how black lightning is treating its wlw romance

(just for context's sake, i'm currently watching 3x04 of black lightning)

(SPOILERS FROM SEASON 2)

i love black lightning. it is a series about a black family of superheroes and that is the main reason why i started to watch it. the black representation is amazing, just like the way they address the struggles of black people in the usa. i also love seeing black girls (with dark skin!) on screen with different hairstyles. one of the things i love the most about black lightning is the main family. i'm so here for the family issues, not only metahuman related, but also the day to day stuff. the series addresses parental control, coming of age, leadership, the subversion of gender roles (lynn stewart? yes ma'am), dialogue, responsibility, respect, boundaries and, on top of that, the love the pierces have for each other.

besides, i can see myself on anissa and jennifer, not only because of their relationship with their parents but also in the way they interact with each other. every time they get to talk about anything, like school, race, gender, periods (!!!!), sex, clothes, their parents and, sure, even superpowers, i can't help but smile because it's so goddamn beautiful. their sisterhood is definitely one of the things that attached me to black lightning from the start. but i'm getting distracted here.

that said, i have to share one thing i do not like about the series. the way it handles its lgbt characters aka anissa and grace (mostly grace) (and i'm not even mentioning the other 3). just to point out, i didn't start watching the show because of them, if i did i probably would have already abandoned it by now. yeah, i'm mad about grace's almost nonexistent screen time. sis shows up one episode for one scene and a half and then vanishes for another three episodes. the majority of the interactions between her and anissa happen off-screen. how do i know that? i had to ASSUME that in order to make sense of their relationship. the first few times we get to see grace it seems like she and anissa are good friends. next season, when she comes back after a very long time, it looks like anissa ghosted her and is cheating on her???? and i didn't even know they were together or something??? every time i see them on screen it feels like they are on a completely different page comparing with how they were last time i saw them. at first, i thought i was missing something... until i realized it was the show that was LACKING content.

just to make it clear, i never expected the show to be about them. it is supposed to be focused on, well, black lightning. i was ok with that. i even ignored this feeling that something was wrong... and then i noticed how much screen time khalil has. i can't help but compare him with grace because both of them are romantically involved with our pierce girls and both of them have powers. even though they have those characteristics in common, it is pretty obvious that grace doesn't get as much attention as khalil does. and it pisses me off. there's also the fact that i'm not very fond of teen romance, but that's just a personal taste and i'm not going to elaborate on that while it seems like the writers keep forgetting about grace's existence, they do not forget about khalil. even after his death.

i like khalil. he is a well written, charismatic character. i find his interactions with jennifer very tender and it is very cute to see how much they care about each other. we get to know khalil's dreams, his pain, his confusion, his anger, his guilt and, finally, his redemption. his arc was so carefully done. i don't like the resurrection thing, though, but that's another story...

and then we have grace, whose life we barely know until she disappears without telling anissa a thing. while she is missing, the audience receives a lot of important information like: she was a foster kid, she was kidnapped by a prostitution ring at the age of 16 (???), grace choi is an alias and she is, in fact, a metahuman. a shapeshifter, to be more specific. and all that during her absence! i mean, she wasn’t given the opportunity to tell it by herself!!!! meanwhile, khalil manages to come back from dead before grace's return!!! and he has a lot of very long, graphic scenes!!! i mean, c'mon. i couldn't care less about the 23 martial arts he knows, and i definitely don't give a f*ck about his punch-on-the-heart thing.

not only grace is belittled as a character, her relationship with anissa has been almost insignificant to the story. jennifer and khalil had it all: cute scenes on the roof, khalil asking jennifer to be his girlfriend, sex talk, supportive moments, the drama, reconciliation, they run away together and then jen has a lot of scenes showing her coping with his loss. all we have from thunder grace is a few cute dialogues and other few kinda-arguments (which sound out of place if you watch them isolated because you have no clue regarding what happened off-screen), then we’re shown grace is hiding something, she leaves, anissa talks to gambi and jennifer about her and that’s it. WHERE IS MY DRAMA???? i don’t wanna see khalil’s muscles for the 8464th time, i just want anissa and grace to talk properly!

i love the representation in black lightning. i love watching a black family full of strong women being cute with each other and at the same time changing their community for the better. but then we have this asian bisexual woman who doesn't even have room to grow as a character, being constantly put aside. and this is not me saying that she should appear more just because she is a queer woman of color. my point is that she is a very interesting character, with a troubled past and a possibly nice personality. AND SHE IS A METAHUMAN, AN EFFING LEOPARD, what could be more related to the plot than that??? the way i see it, the story that is being told in the show would make more sense if she had more space, if she was actually part of it and not only an afterthought. she could add so much more to the plot. but it takes the writers being interested enough to put some effort on it, which they clearly don't have. by the time grace didn't even show up on season 2's finale, i felt disrespected by this lack of interest, as a bisexual woc myself and as a huge shipper of thundergrace. jennifer and khalil's teen heterosexual romance was at the center of the last episodes, meanwhile grace was mentioned a couple of times and that was it. why can't she get the same attention the other side characters do? some of them are so useless to the plot and yet there they are. am i talking about lala? idk.

grace could be so much more, she deserved more dialogues, an entire arc, actually being part of the plot. she deserved more complexity. i know grace has the potential. it is a shame that the show slept on her like that. i don’t want lgbt representation for representation’s sake, i want it for real.

[gayregis]

honestly whats interesting about geryen is that like. having only the canon book material their relationship is imo much more understandable as two victims clinging to a dynamic where they endlessly drag one another down and cant ever truly heal bc theyre both incompatible and stuck rather than some genuine romance. esp with how geralt whos like Severely starved for affection and also fully lacks emotional intelligence binds himself to a woman who at the time had done nothing but manipulate him

like idk all their cutesy romance bits in the later books feel completely out of place when from what we've seen since SOD they were apart for years with a brief break on thanedd and we can figure out that every time they were together for a longer period of time it ended horribly. they were literally never in a genuine healthy relationship (in TOC they spent a night together where they also immediately started falling back on their toxic behaviors) and idk it doesnt sit right with me in any way

also im so sorry but just as a sidenote. sapkowski fully failed in the romance department where he made it canon that yennefer needs a spell for geralt to get it up. like he cant try and make me believe theyre so in love and that its well written after he made me read that

i mean i disagree with this because i think having similarities with another victim can help you process what happened to you, to share vulnerability... i feel like they are just very similar people at the end of the day, and this can foster both a supportive and a detrimental environment. i dont think geralt bound himself to yennefer because he lacked emotional intelligence, i think he’s an adult man capable of making full decisions and he bound himself to yennefer out of compassion because they were both in pain. 

i think he and yennefer both hurt each other in the last wish (geralt was thinking misogynistically towards her, as she points out - the comment about “for the stony way you look at me, for your eyes which fish for every detail (...) for thinking that you could stand face-to-face with yennefer of vengerberg and beliver her to be full of self-admiration and arrogance, a calculating witch, white staring at her soapy tits!” and yennefer got her “revenge” for this which basically is a statement which says, you can’t use me. and her revenge isn’t a #girlboss moment, it’s not feminist, it comes out of fear of being used and disrespected, it’s a reaction to the abuse she has suffered before. neither one of them is willing to trust the other, and they bring each other down, as you said - but then geralt’s wish, which binds them together, condemns him to her, i think is like an extension of a hand from one victim to another. she can’t understand at first, she’s shocked that he would give her another look after they both treated each other poorly, she’s shocked that he didn’t kill her. he demonstrates goodwill to her when he didn’t have to, and i don’t think this comes out of a lack of emotional intelligence, i think it comes from having emotional intelligence, the intelligence to recognize that she’s in the same kind of pain that he is. and geralt, as we know from his characterization, is the merciful type that would choose to un-curse a striga instead of kill her, wouldn’t bring his sword to deal with a “devil”... he’s compassionate, and he extended this compassion to yennefer to show her that they don’t have to be enemies. however, this initial act of kindness and the honeymoon-esque love at first sight love that envelopes them then isn’t the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. they fall out of love soon enough (inverting the love at first sight trope). they then have to basically come back together to work at what love really is, because real love takes work - and at first, they can’t do it, they cant commit, but then...

i think there is appropriate context between the sword of destiny and time of contempt for why they now succeed in bein together for longer periods of time, and the answer is ciri. being parents individually helped them grow out of their more immature and selfish behaviors, made them relize that there is something more important than just themselves (more personally, i dont care if this specific part is unrealistic, because. self indulgent fantasy). 

so yeah also idk really what you mean by falling back into toxic behaviors in time of contempt because like idk what did they do in time of contempt that was toxic?? have sex????? yennefer playfully dragging him for his fantasy of playing house?? i just dont think that yennefer is as manipulative to geralt as you are making her out to be. i could be wrong since geryennefer parts tend to bore me in the books so i dont reread them with the repetitiveness and intensity that i reread a hansa scene with but thats from what i remember anyways

[flightfoot]

Alya (and Nino)

Note: I’m specifically talking about the Alya and Nino from @angelofthequeers excellent fic “Hold Me By Both Hands” There be spoilers!

AO3

---------------------------------------------

Alya gets a prominent storyline of her own in Hold Me By Both Hands, with Nino serving as her Deuteragonist.

At first Alya mostly has a supporting role, not too different from canon. Even from the first chapter though, things start diverging quite a bit, including with Alya, with Marinette going into a lot more detail with why Lila’s assertions should be taken with a grain of salt, pointing out that Ladybug saving Lila doesn’t really make Lila that impressive or interview-worthy. Ladybug’s saved a LOT of Paris. Along with pointing out that even if her claims of being Ladybug’s best friend WERE true, it’d be highly irresponsible for her to be bragging about it, and dangerous to broadcast her association with Ladybug in case Hawkmoth went after her or the people around her for leverage. That’s enough to prompt Alya to do a rethink about Lila’s other claims and take them with a grain of salt, along with taking down the interview in case it attracted the wrong kind of attention.

But the part I really loved about the sequence was this bit:

“Ladybug’s saved half of Paris,” Marinette points out. “Lila’s not the only person she’s saved.” She hasn’t even saved Lila before. “If anyone was going to be her best friend, I’d think it’d be someone like you, right? You’re the one she gave that interview to. She wouldn’t even think of agreeing to that interview when I asked until I mentioned that you’d be the one interviewing her. She’s only saved Lila once, but she’s talked to you loads of times.”

“Oh – well, I mean, you’ve got a point there.” Alya practically swells before Marinette’s eyes. (Chapter 1)

Marinette’s pulling at the threads, unraveling Lila’s lies, but… she’s not doing it by tearing down Alya for believing her. She’s boosting her up instead by just stating the truth. And that subtle reminder that Marinette got Alya that first interview, while also saying that she agreed to it because it was with ALYA… it’s just so good! Marinette cares about Alya a lot, and wants her to know how much she appreciates and respects her, even if when it comes to Ladybug, she has to do it in a roundabout way.

It’s not too big a deal when Alya (and also Nino, who heard part of it) begin to doubt Lila, she’s ultimately just a girl who brags and makes up stories at this point. A little disappointing that some of the things she’d say she might be able to set up obviously aren’t feasible, but nothing especially worldshaking.

No, Alya only really shows dislike for Lila once she starts harming her friends – at first when she just pretends that SHE was the main organizer behind the protest to get Adrien back in school instead of Marinette, and later on with how Lila keeps touching Adrien. She still keeps her confrontations civil and to-the-point though.

“Lila, why did you try and take credit for Marinette’s idea?” Alya says. “Why’d you tell Adrien that you were the brains behind everything, but you let Marinette take charge?” (Chapter 4)

She points it out and asks, but allows for explanation, since it looks bad, but Lila still giving her a chance to defend herself and explain. This sort of questioning should serve her well as a reporter, holding people to account, but allowing them room to give context to their actions.

Alya and Nino also join in on poking holes in Lila’s lies like Marinette was back in Heroes Day, to about the same level of effect.

There’s a lot of nice just… friendship fluff with Alya and Marinette hanging out together having fun, with the occasional hiccup like during Chloe’s party, but nothing that a good conversation can’t help with. Neither of them want to harm the other, and as long as they’re willing to sit down and talk things out, with neither of them meaning any harm, but occasionally just getting the wrong idea or not realizing a problem, it’s nothing they can’t handle.

Just… all the little sequences of Alya and Marinette hanging out, just having a normal friendship – not one completely devoid of any semblance of conflict or disagreement, but one where they can work those things out because they’re willing to do so, and normally just enjoying each other’s company – it really makes them feel alive and REAL.

The casual establishment of their friendship and of Alya’s character makes the kickstarting of her own subplot all the more satisfying, since the reader has good reason to be invested in Alya, even beyond already being invested in her via canon.

Ladybug and Chat Noir start thinking about recruiting help, Ladybug putting forward Alya’s name, naturally.

“Well…” Ladybug chews her lip. “Alya’s the Ladyblogger, right? She’s already familiar with our job. And she loves us, so I know she’d never betray us. Also…maybe she’ll have a new appreciation for our secret identities if she’s got one of her own?”

“Makes sense,” Chat Noir says. “But why the Fox? Alya’s a pretty forceful person…from what I’ve seen.”

“Trixx is a crafty kwami,” Ladybug says. “I think he would be a good influence on Alya and help balance out that forcefulness. And the Fox corresponds to wood, right? That push to grow and hang back to get the facts first could be just what Alya needs, especially after why she was akumatised into Lady Wifi.” (Chapter 19)

She’s got multiple reasons, both positive and negative, but all pushing towards making Alya the fox. On the positive side, she KNOWS how loyal Alya is to them, that she wouldn’t turn against them, that they can rely on her. But also acknowledging some of her flaws and recognizing how giving her Trixx, making her a superhero, can help her grow, rather than simply taking those as marks against her. The need for subtlety and to hang back combining with Alya’s more naturally forceful, action-oriented nature… the balance helps reinforce the themes of the show, and of the fic in particular taking pains to make the different relationships between characters (Ladybug and Chat Noir especially) more balanced overall.

Alya’s drive, her impulsivity, is only a bad thing if left untampered – going too far the other direction can be just as bad. So Ladybug recognizing that and specifically choosing the fox for her, helping her restructure her mindset a bit, to foster the need to take the time to gather information and analyze the situation before acting? I just really love her looking at Alya and thinking about what kind of support and scenarios would be most useful in fostering her development. It really shows why Ladybug’s a good leader here – not just because of her ability to make up plans on the fly, but for how she’s supporting her teammates.

Ladybug still gives Alya a bit of a test, with telling her she needs to give it back at the end, but she’s not singling Alya out for this – she and Chat do it for most people they end up giving Miraculous too, when practical. It’s a reasonable precaution, even though they DO trust the people they’re giving them too generally.

The banter, the playfulness when they give Alya her Miraculous, just… just getting to have fun with the three of them interacting, Alya getting to have a good time in her own right… it’s sadly rare to see that, to see her own emotions, feelings, and story get a prominent role. It’s great showing her being support for Marinette, but it’s also great to see her friends helping and supporting her as well.

Seriously, Alya’s living her best life getting to be a superhero and banter with Ladybug and Chat Noir (I really love the banter), and seeing her just getting to be happy and excited and just generally being portrayed in a positive light and having a good time, it’s a really big relief and break from the negativity I often see towards Alya in fanfics.

Ladybug’s evaluations of Alya are really great, positive but showing where there’s room for improvement, and actively trying to help her on that path, being constructive rather than tearing her down.

“Besides, imagine the chaos of having unlimited illusions everywhere without a timer once you’re more experienced,” Ladybug says. “You wouldn’t know what’s real or what’s not. The Fox is suited to hanging back and annoying the enemy, remember?”

“Hanging back? That doesn’t sound like me at all,” Rena Rouge says.

“Which is why we picked you for the Fox,” Ladybug says. “It’s not always about what power you’re best suited to, but what that power can teach you. I get the feeling that you’ll benefit from learning how to be a true Fox, especially since you wanna be a professional journalist someday. Hang back, gather information, confuse your opponent, then get out of there. Even if you prefer to be in the thick of things, it’s all about learning how to use your wits under stress. He did say that aggressive foxes were a thing, didn’t he?” (Chapter 19)

Ladybug’s up front about her reasons for making Alya the Fox in particular, when at first glance it doesn’t seem like it’d suit her – something which Alya also realizes. Ladybug’s really intent on bringing out her teammates true potential and helping them shine, both as a superhero AND as a civilian here, with giving Alya experience honing skills she’ll need as a reporter, but that she hasn’t exercised much so far.

Something else I really love about this whole chapter? The first illusion Alya makes.

Right, right. I think I’ve got it.” Rena Rouge’s brow furrows, then she unslings her flute and raises it to her lips to play a short tune. “Mirage!” She flings the orange orb at the end of her flute and when it hits the ground in front of her, a small group of people appear in a flash of orange light.

Wait. Why is Chat Noir looking at himself? Well, not technically himself, but his civilian self. Adrien. And Marinette, and Nino, and a few other people who he assumes are Rena Rouge’s parents and sisters. Except that they’re slightly fuzzy around the edges and very obviously not real.

“Guess what, guys!” Rena Rouge crows. “I’m a superhero! I’m Rena Rouge! Me, Alya!”

“Oh my gosh, really?” Illusion Marinette bounces on the spot. “That’s so, so cool, Alya!”

“We all know how much you love superheroes, especially Ladybug!” illusion Adrien says.

“I’m so proud of you, babe!” illusion Nino says.

“Our daughter, a hero!” illusion Mrs Césaire says, and illusion Mr Césaire beams and hugs her.

“Super Alya! Super Alya!” the illusion twins chant.

“Not bad, sis,” illusion big sister says. Rena Rouge’s necklace beeps and loses a tail segment, so she sighs and reaches out to touch illusion Nino, and the group of people disappear in another flash of light and the faint sound of flute music. (Chapter 19)

She gets to do what she’s forbidden to do in reality, to tell the people she cares most about that she’s a superhero, to see them be proud and happy for her, to experience it.

And she’s NOT portrayed as selfish for wanting this. It’s recognized as being natural, and being something to commiserate with her over since she can’t have this in reality (well, as far as she knows anyway, considering that half the people she wants to show end up being Miraculous Wielders). Her emotions are recognized and validated.

“Rena?” Ladybug says softly when Rena Rouge says nothing for a few moments. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Rena Rouge turns to face them, and Chat Noir’s stomach lurches at the sight of her glossy eyes. “I just…had to tell them somehow. At least I’ll have that memory with me.”

“You know we’d love nothing more than for you to be able to tell your friends and family, right?” Ladybug says. “But all it would take is one brainwashing or mind-reading akuma…”

“Not even Ladybug and I know who each other are,” Chat Noir says. He slips an arm around Rena Rouge, and she smiles and leans into his embrace. “Considering how many hits I take for her, that’s probably a good thing.”

“You’re gonna give me a heart attack one of these days,” Ladybug mutters as she joins the embrace, sandwiching Rena Rouge between herself and Chat Noir. They stand there in silence, squished together, ignoring Rena Rouge’s Miraculous when it beeps again.

“You know,” Rena Rouge eventually says. “I never would’ve put this on the Ladyblog, even without you guys asking me. I don’t care about the world knowing who I am. I just want my close friends and my family to be proud of me…”

Alya considers Adrien to be one of her close friends? Chat Noir can’t help but squeeze Rena Rouge tighter after that, not that she’ll know why.

“I think they already know just how miraculous you are, even without superpowers,” Ladybug says. (Chapter 19)

They reinforce why this can’t happen, but gently, while giving her support all the while – physically with the hugs as well as verbally by telling her the people she cares about already know how great she is, even without her now being Rena Rouge. She doesn’t have to deal with any of this on her own. Her friends are there to support her.

She gets to hang out with them some more later too, just getting to talk and banter and laugh. It’s somewhat fillerish – it doesn’t move the plot forward much, and doesn’t really tell stuff about Alya that the audience doesn’t already know, but – it’s important in its own right. Seeing her talk about her freebie list, joke about adopting Chat, and talking about stuff that’d happened recently, it all helps develop her and make her feel like a part of this world, and not one that just exists when the plot requires it, promotes her as a person with her own thoughts and feelings and… and presence beyond being a satellite character around Marinette.

Alya’s first major conflict of her own comes with Mr Alternative News blogger, Lars Vos, who is just a PRICK. Seriously, dude jacked her footage and then whined when she told him off for it. He’s akumatized into Faux News, who can make whatever he says a reality.

I really liked how the design for him purposely mirrored a fox, drawing parallels between him and Alya visually, as well as just continuing with the fox = illusions/lies/just generally making it look like something’s real that isn’t.

He goes after Alya’s work in particular, makes it personal, using his newfound powers to steal all the work she put into the Ladyblog for his own website and making the Ladyblog into just a random, amateur website with barely anything on it. Not something that would stick after the guy’s deakumatized, but it’s still really hurtful for Alya, even KNOWING that it’ll all be restored.

And Ladybug and Chat Noir RECOGNIZE that, comforting her, giving her emotional support.

“Hey.” Ladybug grabs Rena Rouge by the biceps and squeezes gently. “We’ll take care of it, okay? We’ll defeat Faux News and the Ladyblog will go back to normal.”

“What milady said,” Chat Noir agrees. “Like we’re gonna let some ugly Rena knock-off win. Hawkmoth deserves our Miraculouses if we lose to this guy.”

Rena Rouge snorts and wipes her eyes, even though her mask conceals any traces of tears. “Thanks, guys. I just…god, I can’t stand people who steal others’ work.” (Chapter 29)

Of course, even with that support, she’s only human. It helps, but she’s not really calm enough to fight the akuma with a level head, which gets to be a bit of an issue.

“There’s too many of them!” Ladybug says. “And Rena’s too angry to focus on a proper Mirage!”

“You no-good fake!” Rena Rouge shrieks in the background, inadvertently confirming Ladybug’s assessment. “Stop hiding behind your little fans and face me like a proper fox!”

“Rena, take a chill pill!” Chat Noir calls. Naturally, he’s ignored. “Okay, uh, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let her take this one?”

“We should’ve made her sit it out,” Ladybug agrees while elbowing a young man in the solar plexus and dropping him like a sack of bricks. “Too personal. I think I’ll have to…Lucky Charm!” A little red and black candle falls into her hands. (Chapter 29)

Her rage is especially a liability with the specific powerset she has, since it really requires her to be calm and able to think critically and concentrate in order to use it effectively. It’s one of the issues with deliberately giving her a Miraculous that requires a mindset that clashes with her personality; it’s useful in honing specific skills she needs to develop, but in a more emotional situation like this one, it’s a liability. Though she’d have been in a bad situation regardless, with the anger making her reckless and potentially easier to trick into making a damaging mistake.

So Chat needs to choose a new ally to help, giving Nino time to shine. He’s been a part of the group before this but didn’t really have his own arc per se, mostly just hanging out and giving Adrien some support when it comes to his crappy father.

Chat looks for something a little different when choosing an ally-Miraculous pair; Ladybug deliberately chose against type when giving Alya the Fox in order to help her shore up her weaknesses, while Chat chooses a Miraculous first, then tries to find someone who matches it well right away, whose strengths match those of the Miraculous. Which probably has to do with it being an emergency; with Alya they had the luxury of being able to train with her first, while in this case, the Miraculous Wielder’s gonna be dumped into battle immediately. There isn’t time for them to learn the ropes.

His choice of wielder is pretty much inevitable. Adrien just doesn’t have a very large social circle.

Nino’s naturally on board with it, even if he’s not chomping at the bit like Alya was. Mostly because hey, he can actually help protect Alya, since she can be pretty reckless sometimes.

I really like the dynamic that builds up between Rena Rouge and Carapace, with both of them being offended at the insinuation that they might be romantically interested in each other and having this sort of rivalry. It adds an interesting twist to their dynamic, especially with how it mirrors the Love Square in a bizarre sort of way.

Anyway, more of that comes in later. Back to Alya.

After defeating Faux News, she KNOWS she messed up and even assumes that Ladybug’s gonna want her Miraculous back.

Because I messed up big-time.” Alya still hasn’t looked up from the ground. “I made everything worse. I let my anger get in the way. And if you can’t trust me to –”

“Stop!” Ladybug holds up a hand, and Alya’s mouth clacks shut. “I’m not taking the Miraculous, Alya.”

“You’re not?” Alya’s head whips up, revealing the newfound shine in her hazel eyes.

“You don’t lose it for making a mistake, little kit,” Trixx says from Alya’s shoulder.

“Trixx is right,” Ladybug says. “Both Chat Noir and I trust you with our lives, and we’ve made plenty of mistakes between us. It’d be hypocritical to take your Miraculous from you. But it can’t happen again.” (Chapter 30)

 I really liked this. Because yeah, she messed up and it was dangerous… but it wasn’t the sort of mistake where she should have her Miraculous taken away. It’s something she can learn from and work on, and it’s just… well, it’s just a normal, human mistake. It’s a damaging one that put her in danger, but like Ladybug said, she and Chat have made mistakes too. Sometimes emotions override good judgement.

I also really liked Ladybug’s approach on how to prevent this from reoccurring.

“I should’ve realised that the battle was too personal,” Ladybug says. “This is a battle you should’ve sat out, Alya, and I’m sorry that I didn’t recognise that from the start.”

“Well, it’s not like you could’ve told me,” Alya says. “And wasn’t it safer for me to be Rena, anyway? So he couldn’t find me?”

“Yes, but we shouldn’t have let you get involved,” Ladybug says. “I’ll talk to Chat. We might implement a rule that you’re not allowed to get directly involved if we feel it’s too personal, unless we desperately need your help. One mistake could’ve leaked your secret identity or compromised your ability to be part of the team.” (Chapter 30)

I’ve talked about how I like Ladybug’s approach of trying to bring out the best in her teammates before, to help them grow, and this is an extension of that sort of philosophy I think, this idea of “ok these are the people I’m managing, how can I help them reach their full potential and maneuver them for the best outcome?” It’s not based on rewards and punishments, but on talking things out and just plain treating the other person with respect. Seriously, she’d be a great manager and is a really good team leader.

Ok I’m reading through some of the Rena-Carapace interactions some more and damn they are just really funny. Like, just having them know each other and having the same interactions they do as Alya and Nino is fine, but the little twist in their dynamic with the love-hate relationship and just generally sassing each other as superheroes makes it a lot more intriguing than it would be otherwise and gives an opportunity for a different sort of banter than Rena has with most of the others.

That’s most of the rest of the story, with Alya just hanging out with Marinette and co. and bantering with teammates as Rena Rouge. It’s a nice way to keep her involved and keep things interesting while not focusing in on a subplot with her specifically, since other subplots need room to shine. But it’s still a treat to see her in any scene she’s in.

Oh, though just to finish it off, the Nino-Alya reveal near the end when everyone reveals their secret identities is just pure gold.

In any case, I just really loved the whole arc with Alya, especially how even when she made mistakes she wasn’t yelled at, but instead she and Marinette would talk and work things out, would try for a constructive approach instead of the punitive one I often see in salt. It’s just a real breath of fresh air.

[iturbide]

Hfjdhjf can I please have more information?? I think the reason I managed to float by so spoiler free was half because up until recently I never was super interested in Three Houses, and my knowledge was limited to what I was told about the routes. WHICH WAS APPARENTLY VERY LIMITED. V E R Y.

friend of course you can have more information

legit though I am so impressed that you’ve managed to stay spoiler free regardless of the context, I am massively spoiled for fandoms I’m not even in and yet you’re managing to come at it fresh like I did when I started my Golden Deer playthrough.

also this came in and frankly your wish is my command

But okay.  So.

Dimitri is honestly fascinating and a tragic, deeply flawed character in his own right.  But understanding his break requires backstory.  His mom died when he was still pretty young due to a plague that swept through Faerghus, and when he was around ten his father re-married an Imperial woman named Patricia von Arundel (who is also Edelgard’s mother, hence the step-siblings thing).  Edelgard, as it happens, had come to the Kingdom with her mother and uncle, Volkhart von Arundel, in order to escape the chaos caused by the Insurrection of the Seven, where the Imperial nobles seized power from the Emperor (Edelgard’s father), and the two became friends: she taught him to dance during the three-ish years she was in the Kingdom, and just before she left Dimitri gifted her a dagger, symbolic in the Kingdom of a hope for someone to cut their own path forward.

Two years later, Dimitri’s life basically becomes hell.  While he and his family are traveling through the neighboring lands of Duscur, their caravan is attacked: his father Lambert and his bodyguard Glenn are both brutally murdered, his step-mother goes missing, and he is the sole survivor.  He witnessed the people responsible, but although he tried to tell people what happened, the people of Duscur were blamed for the attack, and the genocide soon followed.  The whole incident came to be known as the Tragedy of Duscur, and it left Dimitri with massive trauma that went completely unaddressed: he suffers from survivor’s guilt and PTSD, he completely lost all sense of taste, he’s had a constant headache since the incident...oh, and also he sees hallucinations of the people who died.  So there’s that.

Now, because Dimitri was only 14 at the time and he couldn’t take the Faerghus throne until he reached his majority at 18, his uncle Rufus stepped in as regent in the meantime.  Rufus is pretty fucking terrible!  In fact, he sent Dimitri at age 16 to go put down a rebellion in Western Faerghus -- and again, Dimitri is a traumatized teenager who’s been getting no help or support.  The people around him, notably Gilbert and Felix’s father Rodrigue, are trying to foster him into the next King of Faerghus rather than tending to his very real mental and emotional needs following the events of Duscur, so Dimitri has been silently bottling up all of his problems for the better part of two years.  He...kind of snaps during that rebellion, and it ends up as a brutal slaughter; Felix bears witness to it, and ever after he treats Dimitri like a wild animal, calling him a beast and a boar.

This is all just piling on the trauma, as you probably noticed.  He manages to hold it together and keep up a calm exterior, though he’s deeply afraid of the darkness within him, and does his utmost to bury it and keep it under control.  At age 17 he comes to Garreg Mach, and over the course of the school year things just get progressively worse: he starts slipping and growing more violent over the course of repeated encounters with the Flame Emperor, since he recognizes the masked mages from the attack on his family’s caravan in Duscur and believes that the Flame Emperor must have been responsible for the Tragedy.  But he pretty much snaps during the revelation at the Holy Tomb, where Edelgard is unmasked as the Flame Emperor -- in the Blue Lions route, he literally crushes an Imperial soldier’s skull with his bare hands in his attempts to get at Edelgard.  It’s shocking, especially since up to that point the super strength that came from his Crest was played for laughs more than anything else.

He continues slipping in the weeks leading up to the attack on Garreg Mach, publicly alluding to his hallucinations and how they whisper to him and vowing to take Edelgard’s head himself.  CF is the only route where he actually stays pretty sane, so we’re going to focus on non-CF routes: in the battle for the monastery, Edelgard’s forces end up victorious, and he’s forced back to Faerghus, expecting to take the throne and rally a counterstrike against her...only to arrive and be accused of regicide when it’s revealed that his uncle Rufus has been viciously murdered.  Cornelia (who is, in fact, a Twisted agent) takes power in the Kingdom and basically hands it off to Edelgard as the ‘Dukedom of Faerghus,’ then orders Dimitri be imprisoned and later executed; but before he can be killed, his vassal Dedue manages to break him out of prison, though the escape attempt apparently costs him his life (he can be saved by other Duscur survivors depending on the results of an earlier paralogue, though -- the important point is that Dimitri thinks Dedue is dead).  After that, Dimitri spends the next four-ish years wandering alone in the Faerghus forests, the isolation exacerbating his already poor mental health until he’s openly conversing with his hallucinations; he also starts attacking Imperial forces he comes across in Faerghus and basically ripping them apart, leading to a lot of rumors about a wild beast on the loose.  Also, somewhere in this five year span he loses an eye.  No, we have no idea how.  Fandom burns for answers.

Now, Dimitri’s fate varies significantly depending on playthrough here.  In Silver Snow and Verdant Wind, he’s literally consumed by his rage and guilt and his desire for vengeance on behalf of those taken from him, and he ends up dying in pursuit of it.  In Azure Moon, he’s lost any real ability to tell reality from hallucination, and believes even Byleth is nothing more than a figment; he continues his single-minded pursuit of Edelgard, committing atrocities of his own and admitting to being nothing but a base murderer, the beast Felix accused him of being so long ago.  But eventually, through the intervention of Byleth and his classmates, he starts to come around a little more -- though it takes Rodrigue’s death and his final words, encouraging him to live for himself rather than those who have already gone, to really wake him up and get him moving forward.  The game takes the turn a little fast, but it’s still really touching to see Dimitri coming back from the edge and recognizing the importance of his own desires.  The campaign continues, they retake Fhirdiad, there’s a parley with Edelgard where she refuses to back down and continues to insist that war is the only option, things get crazy with the final boss like holy shit, but in the end after Edelgard’s been defeated, Dimitri offers his hand to her...and her final act is to throw the dagger he gifted her when they were children at him, and he instinctively kills her in retaliation.

Look, Dimitri doesn’t come out of this smelling like roses.  He killed a lot of people in very, very violent ways.  But he recognizes that what he did, even if he wasn’t mentally sound at the time, was pretty atrocious and spends the rest of his life seeking peace with as little bloodshed as possible.

But okay I have gone on for a long time about Dimitri so if you’re still here, congratulations let’s talk about my favorite Lord.

Claude is a mystery wrapped in an enigma.  That’s literally how he’s presented in the game, and it’s great.  He’s sociable, amiable, friendly, mischievous, and has a reputation as a schemer.  He jokes about his own reputation a lot, especially when he’s called out, but he’s wickedly smart, especially where tactics, information gathering, puzzles, and secrets are concerned.  We literally go through the whole first half of the game getting only the tiniest hints about him personally and what his aspirations are -- we don’t even know where he came from, he legit just showed up out of the blue when Duke Riegan named Claude as his heir -- and meanwhile he’s out there trying to unravel the mystery behind Crests, the Church, and the Flame Emperor -- and while he doesn’t manage to succeed before the timeskip hits, he manages to uncover an alarming amount of information.  Also, despite his reputation as an untrustworthy trickster, he cares deeply about the people around him and does his best to keep them safe, even if it means resorting to underhanded (but ultimately non-lethal) methods.

Once we hit the timeskip, we find out more of the secrets that he’s been hiding.  For context, Fodlan’s neighbor to the east is Almyra, and relations between the two nations have been...tense, to say the least: a few hundred years ago Almyra invaded Fodlan and a bad time was had by all.  In order to prevent it from happening again, the Alliance built a fortress called Fodlan’s Locket in the pass connecting the two nations (the pass being called Fodlan’s Throat).  Presently, the Alliance is headed by a communal council of nobles from the major families, who meet at regular round tables in order to debate business that affects their territories and pass legislature; the round table is headed by Duke Riegan, who had two children, a son set to inherit the title and a daughter who went mysteriously missing years ago.  Unfortunately, House Riegan and House Gloucester have never been on the best of terms, and when Duke Riegan’s heir was attacked and killed on the road while traveling to visit Duke Gloucester, there were a lot of rumors that Lorenz’s dad might have been involved, though nothing was ever proven in that regard.  It left Duke Riegan in a tough spot, though, since he was getting on in years and suddenly had no heir...at which point, Claude ‘miraculously’ steps in with his Crest and is named heir to House Riegan.

Turns out?  Duke Riegan’s daughter didn’t go missing: she eloped with an Almyran.  And that Almyran, as it turns out, became king of Almyra.  So Claude’s an Almyran prince.  Turns out, he didn’t exactly have a great time growing up, though: Almyrans view the people of Fodlan as cowardly and weak, so they viewed Claude’s mom as such...and Claude himself, too, since he was half-Fodlan.  No matter how much he argued or fought, it never seemed to matter.  He got bullied a lot, and started picking up tactics and poison mixing as ways to defend himself...but more than anything, he hated how small-minded Almyrans were when it came to him and his mother.  Then Duke Riegan’s heir died, and his grandfather reached out to his daughter, hoping to have Claude tested for a Crest -- which, as it happens, he bore.  Claude was so excited, believing that things in Fodlan would be different, better...

...and instead, he found that things in Fodlan were exactly like they were in Almyra.  People hated him for half his heritage -- just this time, it was for his ‘savage’ Almyran half instead of his ‘cowardly’ Fodlan half.  It was hilarious, in a sad way, how alike the people of Fodlan and Almyra were when it came to hating things they didn’t know...and that was how he decided on his goal.  What Claude wants to do is destroy the borders between people and forge understanding between them.  He found through hard experience that people always fear the outsider -- but if you break down the walls, there’s no ‘inside’ or ‘outside’ anymore.  There’s just people.  What he wants to do is unify the Alliance, then Fodlan, then perhaps even the world...not through force or subjugation, but by bringing them together, uniting them through what they share in common and helping them understand and find value in their differences.  His aspiration is to ensure that no one has to suffer like he did growing up.

And so, once things are all settled in Fodlan (and he’s assured that he managed to achieve his goal in small scale with his friends in the Alliance), he leaves Byleth in charge, forgoes leadership in the Alliance, and heads back to Almyra to continue working toward that aspiration.  He becomes the king of Almyra so that he can start working toward that larger goal from the other side of the border, intending to open roads toward peaceful diplomacy and trade with Fodlan.  He knows their bonds are strong, even when they’re apart, and he knows that they’ll all be reunited someday.  Also Claude is the only Lord who has the possibility to live in all routes (barring Silver Snow but he’s only listed as ‘missing’ not ‘dead’ so I hold out hope) which I think says a heck of a lot about how great he is.  He’s just so good and so kind and cares so much about people and he makes my heart warm and yes I’m done yelling about how much I love Claude for a moment.

So hopefully that fills you in a little on the other Lords at least in part please enjoy my novel-length ramble.

[kusunogatari]

[ ObiRyū October | Day Twenty-Eight | On Your Own ] [ @abyssaldespair ] [ Uchiha Obito, Suigin Ryū ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ Vulgarity, blood, death, gun ]

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It’s two am.

And Obito is awake.

And not by choice.

Sitting at his desk with a cheek in a hand, he glowers at the wall in front of him. Not because it’s done him any offence, but because of what lies on the other side.

His neighboring apartment, for about two weeks now, has been playing host to a very fussy, very loud baby. Which has been keeping him up at all hours of the night, depending on when it feels like crying.

Needless to say, it’s been leaving him a little on edge.

Groaning, he drags his hand down his face. He has a very important appointment tomorrow, and he really doesn’t want to be losing any sleep right now. He was just finalizing his plans when the crying started, and now he feels his temper about to snap.

Can’t they shut that thing up?!

Growling as the decibels go up a notch, the pencil in his hand cracks and he stands with such abruptness that his chair nearly clatters over. Enough. He can’t take it anymore. He’s going to go over there and tell these people that they either shut that baby up, or he’ll do it himself.

Permanently.

Obito is, after all, no stranger to death. Having given up on schooling when a life-shattering accident left him too far behind to catch up, he turned to what began as petty crime to get by. And now? He’s barely into his twenties and already an infamous name in the city’s underground as a talented (and therefore expensive) hitman.

...in all reality, of course, he’s not going to hurt a baby. But by God he’s going to make them think he would if it will get him some Goddamn peace and quiet.

Wrenching open his door, he turns to face the proper direction, strutting up and pounding on the next door down. At least he always looks plenty intimidating. Hopefully it won’t take long to scare these idiots into -

He can hear the scrapes of the locks, and he puffs up as the knob turns, the door swinging open to reveal...a girl?

Good grief, is she even an adult?

Her face is pinched with exhaustion and worry, dark shadows under her pale eyes, and...wow, pale everything else. For a moment Obito’s almost convinced she’s a ghost haunting this apartment rather than living in it. But in her arms, still wailing like a banshee, is the baby.

“...uh…”

Suddenly he doesn’t know what to say. He wasn’t expecting...well, any of this.

But she clearly knows why he’s here.

“I...I’m so sorry,” she offers, voice a bit emphasized to be heard over the babe’s cries. “I’m trying to get her to calm down, I just...I think she’s colicky and she won’t settle. I’m so, so sorry…”

Obito just...blinks. Wait, is…? “...are you here alone?”

Immediately, the question - out of context - makes her stiffen.

He backpedals, hands lifting in defense. “I...I don’t mean like -? I mean...do you not have, uh...anyone else to...to help you?”

Oh no. He’s flipped a switch. As soon as he finishes his inquiry, her lip starts trembling, eyes brimming with tears.

He hates when girls cry…!

Lifting her spare arm, she tries to wipe them away, clinging to her composure by a thread. “N...no...I-I don’t.”

“Where’s the, uh...dad?”

She glances aside, looking ashamed. “...off to college. He didn’t….h-he didn’t want anything getting in the way of his...e-education. So he had his parents give me some money, and...here I am. But it’s already going so fast, and I...I don’t have anywhere else to go. This was the c-cheapest apartment I could find, but...I can’t find a job with her, there’s n-no one who can watch her, so I...I’ve just been sitting here trying to figure out w-what to do…”

Greys lift back to his face. “...I know she’s been d-driving everyone nuts. But she just keeps getting colicky and I don’t know why. I’m really sorry if she’s been keeping you awake. I’ll...I’ll try to get her to bed.”

Obito just...stares. So some jackass knocks her up...and then leaves her to her fate? Throws a little cash at her and calls it good?! What the fuck is wrong with this guy?! “...not to be, uh...creepy. But are you…? Have you graduated?”

“Yes...just last month. She came along two weeks later. I b-barely made it through my last year.”

“...and he’s off scot free, is he?”

“He -!” She hesitates. “...he’s...he already had a full ride. He’s really smart, and -!”

“I don’t give a fuck how smart he is,” Obito cuts in, making her jump. “He’s clearly trash if he did this to you. Fucking prick.”

Looking unsure at his volatile language, she doesn’t have a reply.

“...so you really don’t have anyone else you can ask for help?”

Her posture wilts. “...no. I was in, um...foster care. And my foster parents weren’t...the best. My dad was absent and my mom died when I was little. No other relatives that I know of, so...it’s just me.”

Sighing, Obito rubs at the back of his neck. He already knows what rent is here: it’s cheap, but still too much for anyone without a job. She’s been here two weeks...so rent’s due in another two.

In truth, the only reason Obito sticks around here is because it’s low profile. He has enough cash to upgrade, but staying low works well for him.

This whole situation isn’t sitting right with him...and something about her reminds him of...someone else.

“...first thing’s first. You need a babysitter. Or a...a nanny. Whatever it’s called.”

She blinks. “...but -?”

“Then you can start looking for a job. Odds are you won’t find anything that pays too well. You have a car?”

“N...no -?”

“Then either something within walking distance, or you commute by bus. Or there’s always the kind of job women get in a neighborhood like this, but,” he amends at her offended look, “that’s not...preferable.”

“...I don’t have any money for a -”

“I’ll cover it.”

Her face goes slack in shock, eyes wide.

“...consider it an investment,” he adds, glancing aside to avoid her gaze. “You get this kid on a schedule and get yourself on one too, maybe I won’t be losing so much sleep. My job pays well, and I don’t have much to spend it on, anyway. You need to get a foot in the door. And I know what it is to have no one to lean on.”

Clearly still unable to process his words, she just...stares at him, mouth slightly agape.

“...I’m Obito, by the way.”

“...Ryū…”

“And who’s this?”

She blinks several times before looking down to her baby. By now, she’s settled to a series of whines and half-sobs. “...Amaya.”

“Well Amaya, you’ve been a pain in my ass for two weeks,” Obito offers, hands on his hips and leaning toward the infant. Dark grey eyes - squinted shut as she cries - open as his talking distracts her, drawing her gaze. “So let’s do something about it, hm? Maybe then we can be friends.”

Seemingly entranced, Amaya stares up at him, suddenly quiet.

Both adults go still.

“...um…” Ryū seems at a bit of a loss. “...I think she likes you.”

Obito, staring back at the baby, looks equally confused. “...usually I frighten babies,” he admits, straightening his posture. “With the whole…” He gestures to his face.

“Well, it seems she doesn’t mind,” Ryū counters, managing a tired smile as Amaya sucks on a thumb. “Maybe I can finally put her down for bed…”

“And then I can do the same,” Obito agrees, loosely folding his arms. “I have work tomorrow, but...we’ll talk when I get back.”

“Do you…?”

“Hm?”

Ryū hesitates. “You...you don’t have to do this...I mean, we don’t -?”

“I told you, I have the money. And I need the sleep. Once you get a leg up, you’ll be fine. Not your fault you were dumped here without any help.”

Her expression wilts, and he prays she isn’t going to cry again. “I’ll...I’ll make it up to you! Do you need, um...anything? I could cook, o-or clean! I handled most of all that growing up, so I’m good at it!”

Obito blinks. He...hadn’t considered that. In truth he doesn’t need much cleaning, he’s pretty tidy (and not home much to make a mess anyway). Cooking, on the other hand…

Maybe that can be where they start.

“...all right. We’ll begin there. You can be my, er…” What’s the term?

“Housekeeper…?” Ryū supplies.

“Yes! That way there’s no commute, no fuss...and you can bring her with you, hm?” He gestures to Amaya.

Ryū brightens, looking at him like he just pulled her out of a burning building. “I...o-okay! Um…” She looks around, seeming a bit overwhelmed at the sudden plans. “...should I...wait until you get back tomorrow?”

“Yes. I need to, er...plan how this will work.” And by that he means making sure she doesn’t stumble upon anything...compromising in his apartment, like his selection of weapons and files on his targets.

That would be...unfortunate.

A wide smile blooms across her face. “All right then! I’ll just...wait to hear from you. And…” Her demeanor softens again. “...thank you. You have...no idea what this means to me. To us.”

A bit awkward at the praise, Obito looks aside and clears his throat. “Er...you’re welcome. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

The door closes, and Obito mulls over the entire conversation. Not...what he had in mind, but maybe this will work.

...he knows what it is to be left without anywhere to turn, anyone to lean on. But even then, he didn’t have a baby to worry about on top of it all. Poor girl.

...he shouldn’t call her girl. She’s an adult, only three years younger than himself. But...well, he’s aged a lot mentally in his lifestyle. And clearly she’s just getting started. A level one adult, while he feels like he’s at least level fifty after all he’s had to go through.

Sighing, he relishes in the silence as he heads back to his apartment, needing hardly any time to collapse into bed and find sleep.

Come morning...it’s time to get to work.

Going over his target’s file and the plan he’s made to get the job done, Obito packs his sniper rifle and heads out. Dressed in a suit and putting on an air of confidence, he walks right into a private office building and makes his way to a top floor. It’s currently empty, as well as several floors below it, in preparation of new clients.

The perfect opportunity, as his target works just across the street on the same level. He’ll have a shot, and some room to work (and hopefully go unnoticed enough to get out without being caught). Setting up the tripod, he cuts the glass of a window to give the bullet less to travel through, assembling the weapon and awaiting the proper moment.

Settled at the scope, he watches as the executive he’s been paid to off heads into his office, taking a phone call.

All alone.

Adjusting the crosshair to account for the wind, Obito takes a steadying breath, holds it...and fires.

A splatter of red blooms along the wall behind his target, body immediately limp.

Perfect.

Practiced hands then quickly disassemble the gun, getting it back into its case and making his way to the elevator.

By the time anyone heads up to investigate the noise, he’s already heading back out the door. A call to his burner phone confirms the kill, and the wiring of the funds to his account.

All in all, he’s only gone an hour.

Back in his apartment, he finds it’s still quiet. Seems Ryū and Amaya are having a good morning. Changing his clothes and stashing his gun, he then goes about readying his apartment for his guest.

Well...guests, he supposes.

He does have a gun safe, and all of his supplies fit within it. And a locked file cabinet holds all of his research and client information. He highly doubts Ryū’s the type to even begin sneaking around, let alone be able to get past the locks he has in place.

He’s ready.

Heading back to her door, he knocks and awaits an answer. Though still looking exhausted, Ryū appears a bit more perky today than she did yesterday. Maybe she also got some sleep.

“Good morning!”

“Morning. Should we, er...give this a try?”

Nodding, Ryū packs Amaya into a carrier, heading the few steps down the hall and into Obito’s apartment. A few glances show it’s...rather Spartan, with hardly any personal effects, or...even mess.

...does he really need her to -?

“So, uh…” Obito itches at the rear of his neck, trying to think. “I know there’s not much to be cleaned, but...it’s lacking in other ways. I don't go grocery shopping much. I tend to order food rather than cook myself. It’s expensive.”

Ryū blinks. He did say he had the money, though…

“It’s also not healthy. And my money goes to a better place this way anyway,” he adds, seemingly reading her thoughts. “So it’s a win several times over. Now we just need to, er...figure out how this will work.”

“Do you...work regular hours?” she asks, setting Amaya down.

“Not really. I’m a contract worker,” Obito replies, having perfected that lie long ago. “I get a call, I go in. Otherwise I tend to jump about doing other things. I’m at the gym a good bit.” Mostly to keep in shape for his work, but also to help keep his mangled body as limber as he can manage. That and the physical effort keeps him from thinking too much. “So usually I’m not home much anyway.”

Ryū curls a thoughtful hand against her mouth. “...well, I guess I could start with a time in the morning to get breakfast out of the way for you, and then...if you’re gone all day, fix lunches to take with you…? And I can work on other tasks while you’re gone, and have supper ready by a set time, or...you can call if you’re going to be late.”

Obito blinks. That...seems pretty simple. “Sure. I’ll get a new card to leave with you so you can pick up whatever you need. Pretty sure you know what you’re doing.”

“B-but -?”

“Hm?”

She hesitates. “...that’s...putting a lot of trust in me, isn’t it?”

“True. But if you mess up, I’ll just fire you,” he replies blithely. “I think you know better than to try anything.”

“I...I guess so. I guess I’m just not used to anyone, um...trusting me that much,” she admits.

“Well, you’re trusting me, in turn. I could be a total creep tricking you into all of this for other gains,” Obito counters as he folds his arms, seeing her jolt slightly. “...but I’m not. So we’re even in that regard, hm?”

“...seems that way.”

Glancing to a clock, Obito sighs. “...well, how should we start? Now? Tomorrow? Or -?”

“I can start today!” Ryū chirps in reply. “...that is, if you want me to.”

“Sure. Though I’ll need time to get the card, and another key…” He hums to himself, rubbing at his chin. “...I’ll do that today. Then you can really get started tomorrow. For now,” he adds, reaching into his pocket to fetch his wallet and handing her a wad of cash that makes her eyes go wide. “Go get whatever you want for the week.”

“O...okay. Um…” She looks back up to him. “Any...allergies, or dislikes…? Things I should avoid?”

He waves a hand. “Not really. So long as there’s no szechuan, I’ll be fine.”

To his surprise, she snorts. “Well, all right then.”

“We’ll go get the spare made first, then you can get going, and I’ll head to the bank. You’ll probably be back first.”

“Okay. What time should I plan for dinner to be ready?”

“I’m usually back by six.” A pause, and then, “Do you have a phone?”

“I do!”

He exchanges their numbers. “I’ll call if something comes up.”

From there, they both head out, a keymaker a few blocks away. Ryū totes along Amaya, who stays relatively quiet for the trip. Once she has her spare key, she scoots off to find groceries.

And Obito heads to the bank.

The card is simple enough, and will make anything else she has to get down the road a lot simpler. That way Ryū can just attend to any business without having to ask him about it every time.

From there, he decides to take some time at the gym until the end of the day. It’ll help him think, and blow off some steam. Especially since he actually has energy from a full night’s rest for the first time in...well, since Ryū moved in, really. As he pushes his body to its limits, he mulls over the situation as a whole. He’s sure this is going to work. Just...get her going. Make sure she has a kind of...foundation to go off of.

More than he was granted, since he’s able to pay his fortune forward.

Once the time for dinner starts rolling around, he walks back, the cool evening air wicking the sweat along his skin. He always prefers to shower at home...you never know what’s lurking in the public ones.

He’s seen some things.

One elevator ride later, he comes up to his door, finding it locked and slipping in his key.

As soon as he does, he pauses.

The kitchen is directly across from the entryway, and it’s...occupied for once. Hair tied up in a messy bun, Ryū scurries back and forth, juggling a few pans and something in the oven. A menagerie of smells actually makes Obito’s stomach whine petulantly in hunger. It’s clear she’s done some actual cleaning, too - while he doesn’t leave things lying around, he can’t remember the last time he dusted. A window is open, letting in fresh air and leaving the apartment smelling far better than its usual musty scent.

While the appearance isn’t that different, the feeling is...like another world. And not just the apartment...it’s clear Ryū is feeling a lot better, too.

It’s all so oddly...domestic.

After he stares for a solid thirty seconds, she notices him, perking up. “Oh!” Turning to the oven’s clock, she sees that it reads a quarter to six. “I’m almost done!”

“...that’s fine,” Obito manages to reply, finding his head. “I...need a shower, anyway.”

“Okay!”

Moving to the bathroom, Obito does just that, emerging and dressing in his typical evening lounge wear of sweatpants and a tank top. Peering back out, he finds the kitchen empty, food left to keep warm.

Instead, Ryū is on the couch.

She’s...asleep?

Head slightly tilted, her mouth is a bit agape, breathing softly. And atop her chest, also asleep (and clearly having just been fed), is Amaya.

In spite of himself, Obito’s face goes a bit warm at the sight, averting. He...can’t see anything from here (the baby is covering anything...lewd), but her shirt is still very clearly tugged to one side.

...seems she tuckered herself out. But the dark circles are starting to fade. Apparently she’s already making up her rest deficit. And while she’s clearly tired, it’s more of an...accomplished tired than ‘up with the baby all night’ tired.

In spite of himself, Obito feels his lips twitch. She really is cute, what with her demure demeanor. But...she’s also pretty plucky, trying to make this all work on her own. Part of him can’t help but admire that. She’s pretty tough despite her fragile appearance.

...okay, he’s...thinking about this too much. And they both need to eat something.

Not wanting to be rude, he sheepishly approaches, carefully jostling Ryū’s shoulder to wake her.

“...huh…?”

“You, uh...fell asleep. Hungry?”

Blinking a bit blearily, Ryū stares at him for a moment before stiffening, realizing her position. “Oh -!” She (very carefully) scrambles to adjust her outfit, not wanting to wake the infant. “I...I’m sorry -”

“No, it’s fine. I’m not the only one that needs to eat around here,” he tries to joke, lips flickering into a sheepish smile.

Still, her face is quite warm, carefully tucking Amaya back into her carrier to nap. “I, um...I hope dinner’s okay?”

“If it’s half as good as it smells, it’ll be more than fine.” Heading to the kitchen, he pauses, noticing she’s not following. “...coming?”

Her brow furrows. “...but -?”

“You made it, you get to eat it. Just...get over here.”

Blinking, Ryū does as asked, skittering across the apartment and taking a nervous seat opposite Obito at his little table.

An awkward silence blooms, each of them taking a bite.

Obito, however, quickly perks up. “...this is really good!” he offers after swallowing. “You take lessons?”

“Um, no...just...consulted the internet a lot growing up,” she admits, looking shy at the praise. “And...a lot of practice.”

“Consider yourself a permanent hire,” Obito adds, shoveling another spoonful into his mouth.

A bit pink, Ryū nonetheless brightens at his words, giggling a little and taking another bite herself.

Maybe this is going to work, after all.

     Ohhhhhhh my gods this is late, but I’m been SWAMPED irl and just...really burnt out, so I kinda...took a week break BUT I’ve been working on things! I had another prompt for today but it kinda got...out of hand SO I did this in the meantime!      I think it’s super cute ;w; Single parent AUs are just! really cute. I almost went with Obito being the parent (maybe I’ll do that another time lmao) but this just felt easier to do for a quicker one xD      THREE MORE TO GO and one has a prompt already, I might tweak the other two. I need shorter ideas so I can get them done I’m so behind, I’m a bad u_u But at least there’s this for today, we’ll see how tomorrow goes! Thanks for reading~

[devnicolee]

Snowfall (10)

A/N: I definitely did not expect it to take me this long to write it but I hope y’all enjoy it! And just for some context from the last chapters, all of the events in chapters 9 and 10 have taken place over the span of about 36 hours - that is important. Enjoy! :) 

Word Count: 10,240

Warnings: Angst, violence, mentions of smut

Masterlist

****

"Zarah..."

"Zarah. Talk to me, please. What happened in that cave?" M’Baku asked as she wiped the streaks of blood from her face. She scrubbed furiously, after having stripped her clothes off the moment she walked in. She did not want to look at his blood for a second longer than she had to. She ignored him as she had since they stepped in their room 5 minutes prior. There was nothing to say in her mind. Nothing worth saying, at least.

"You cannot ignore me forever Zarah. You need to talk to me."

She sighed. "I found him, I confronted him, I got the answers I needed. There is nothing else to say." She walked to her closet, pulling on the more formal dress needed for addressing the Jabari Council. She couldn’t see the frustration that painted her husband’s face but she could hear the scoff that accompanied it.

"When I walked in," M’Baku took a deep breath to calm his growing frustration at the cold shoulder he was getting from his wife. One that, like the winter weather of their home, seemed to get icier and icier by the second. "When I walked in, you were beating a man to death. That is hardly ‘nothing to talk about.’ I have never seen you like that… or like this. What did he say to you?" He grabbed her arm as she passed him, his grip not too tight or painful, just enough to let her know he demanded her full attention. Her mind quickly reverted back to being held up by her weight in a man’s death grip on her arm. She could feel it again, the bruises he left behind. She ripped her arm out of his grasp in a knee-jerk reaction.

"H-h-he did not say anything either of us do not already know. Now we have a job to do and I would like to do it without any further delay. You said we would talk later, later is when this is over."

"Davu I don’t care about. He is dying regardless of who gives the order. But your father? Are you prepared to ask someone to murder your own father?" M'Baku never pretended to care for Elder Amari. He gave the man basic respect, as is his duty toward an elder. But now that was gone after finding out about his attempt to overthrow him. M'Baku did not require everyone like him, he did not care at all really. He fostered an environment where everyone could voice their opinions whether they agreed with his or not. However, he did ask for loyalty, something he thought was a basic tenet of their community. He had not realized he was asking for too much. 

Zarah stares at him for one second before shifting her eyes to the corner of their room, the intensity and vulnerability in his eyes became too much. She was not ready yet. Falling would be easy, admitting it was all too much and she was too far gone to make this choice would be easy. She knew if she answered no, if she admitted she was wholly unprepared to ask someone to do that then her husband would not hesitate to whisk her to bed, hold her and make the difficult decisions himself.

But that was exactly what she wanted to avoid. The woman who would make those choices needed to die, she could not live on here. And that would be a concession, that would be letting them win. This was her duty, her fight. No more cowering while others did the work. No more falling while on the job. They were banking on her falling. The threads would have to hold. They left her no choice. 

"My father is old enough to understand the consequences of his choices. He signed his own execution sentence the moment he made a deal with the devil. Fulfilling that sentence is hardly murder. I will not cry over a fate he brought upon himself."

"And your mother? And if you do this, your relationship, however tumultuous it is, with her is over. She won't forgive this. Are you prepared to lose both your parents today?" 

"That will be her choice, I can't do anything about that. But I will not spare my father because of her. He should have thought of her before he committed treason. And what do you care? You hate my parents. You should be happy instead of trying to convince me to let him go."

"I have no love for parents, that is true. The people, that emotionally abused you for most of your life. But this isn't the way. I do not care about saving his soul, I care about saving yours. You should remember that I have done what you are about to do, thrown men off that mountain. It takes a piece of you every time - regardless," he spoke louder as she tried to interrupt him, "Regardless of how righteous your reasoning is. I do not want you to have to do this." She turned away from him, away from his logical critique of her choices, to walk toward the door.

She paused as she brought her knuckles up to knock on the door and alert the guard that they were ready to depart. She took a deep breath before responding, "Do you know what Davu’s cave is?"

M’Baku’s face twisted up in confusion, "No, what do you mean?"

"It is a graveyard of souls… Davu’s, my father’s… mine. You won’t save mine by saving his. They are both gone. Gone the moment they took me from this room. We are not getting them back. This won't take anything from me because there is nothing left to take. I have to live with that, I have made peace with that."

She knocked on the door, Kide opening it so she could walk out. As she walked over the threshold, she called over her shoulder, "And so do you."

***

Nighttime in Jabariland was Zarah’s favorite time of day, particularly in the winter. The sun set early, leaving an inky black sky in its wake. The only sources of light were the fires burning brightly throughout the villages to keep everyone warm throughout the evening. Zarah usually loved standing on the high peaks with M’Baku to look out at the lights reaching out like veins in the darkness. But Dead Man’s Peak gave her no beautiful view of nighttime in the mountains. Despite being the highest peak in the tribe, it was rather boring. It was a simple cliff that overlooked nothing but forest on the northern edge of the Jabari territory. One could not even get a view of the villages from there. But she understood why. What they did there… what was lost there needed to be separate from the rest of their lives. There was no ceremony, nothing but a desire to get it over with and return to the comfort and light of the rest of Jabariland until duty called them back to this spot again.  

Small fires raged around the cliff to provide some light in the darkness as the chief and chieftess waited with her brother and members of the guard for everyone to arrive. 

 "You do not have to do this Zarah. We can confront him another way." M’Baku said, giving her one last opportunity to stop this before it went too far. Her ominous statement before they left their quarters shattered his soul. He knew it was not true; his wife was still there buried beneath a mountain of trauma, buried beneath an incessant need to be what she thought everyone else wanted. Where she saw nothing, he saw her spark still in her eyes. It was duller, sure, but it was still there. He would gladly take dull over extinguished everyday of his life and he would happily spend all of those days trying to make it brighter. The woman before him now was merely a mask, one she put on to keep the broken version of herself out of view. Ironclad strength, an overcompensation for very natural emotions she perceived as weakness. But it did not matter if he knew it, if he believed her soul was still intact. She had to believe it and if she did, they would not be here. 

Zarah raised her hand to silence her husband. Her decision was absolute, he nor anyone else would change it. "The sun will not set with a traitor in our midst," she repeated. "He will face the consequences of all traitors, the consequence for treason." 

She could not see her husband's face, could not see the worry and trepidation filling it. He knew she was right, he simply wished she did not have to make this choice. It was not fair, it was not right. There was no love lost on M'Baku's part for the people whose bodies would, before the hour was done, fall off their execution cliff and live for eternity in the ancestral mountains. He just knew that this was it. His wife was hanging off a cliff of her own by a thread and their bodies would be the final weight that forces her tumbling down. 

"Daughter, what is the meaning of this?" Elder Femi asked as the Royal Guards ushered the Council to the cliff their leaders stood on, all of them sporting similar faces of confusion. Zarah opted not to answer. They would understand soon enough as two guards dragged Davu's bruised and broken body behind them in chains. He was still fairly alert for someone who was almost beaten to death, his eyes trained on Zarah's as they walked toward the cliff. 

She could not see him though, her eyes still focused on the horizon. Stillness and silence. She basked in it for a moment as the small crowd waited with anticipation for their chief or chieftess to speak. 

"Hanuman be with your daughter," she whispered quietly, only loud enough for her stoic husband to hear her. She then straightened herself and turned to face her audience.

"I called you all here," she spoke loudly, voice strong, assured and powerful. "Because in the last month, we were reminded that the Jabari are not infallible. People have sought to shake and destroy the foundation of this tribe. And Hanuman demands we meet injustices against him and his people with justice. And that is what I have brought you all here today to witness.”

She took a deep breath, before motioning for the guards to bring Davu to her. They dropped the man at her feet, his body too weak to hold his own weight up. 

M’Baku stared down at him, his contempt and rage at the broken man at their feet too great to hide. A small wave of pride passed through him at the physical damage his wife was able to do to this man. He had hoped to be the one to enact such suffering, the only thought occupying his mind for the last month was to find him and rip him limb from limb. The urge to do so now was almost overpowering, he still believed a toss off this cliff was too merciful for him. But he had to step out of the role of a chief for a moment and give his chieftess the authority she deserved. It was not his kill, was not his call and he had to accept that.

She stared down at him, eyes cold and hard. This was the easy part, the easy kill of the day. "You have been sentenced to death based on the charges of kidnapping, attempted murder and plotting to overthrow and murder the Chief of Jabariland. If you have any last words, now would be the time."

N’Danna strolled up to the group and lifted the man to his feet to offer his last words. He would not belabor this. As soon as those last words fell from his lips, his body would fall from this cliff. He refused to give him yet another opportunity to escape the will of Hanuman. Another day would not come to a close with his soul still occupying space on this Earth.

Now eye level with each other, Zarah saw it, his eyes still blazing with ambition and hope. She hated it, she despised it and wanted to stomp it out as he did her hope, her light. His life was on a timer, reduced to mere minutes and somehow he still felt like a champion in this scenario. Knowing he would die believing he beat her… that he destroyed her… it was not fair, it was not right that he got to march to the end of his life with that medal. It made her want to forgo the ceremony of it all and push him off the cliff herself. But she quickly stomped out the flames of rage. She did not have capacity for emotions, any of them. If she let her anger out, the rest would come flooding down quickly after. She simply reminded herself that pride was meaningless in the grave. It does not take one farther in the ancestral mountains or pump life back into your veins, there were no winners or losers there.

If it helps him rest with Hanuman, or preferably in hell, knowing that, then so be it.

Davu closed his eyes briefly, his head falling back slightly as he muttered a small prayer under his breath before amplifying his voice to speak to the crowd. "I, Davu, a faithful servant of my Lord Hanuman, am ready to meet my savior. I am a Jabari who sought to bring a new era. If I must die to ensure Hanuman rises greater than before then so be it. You have not seen the last of me or my people. You may kill me today but Lady Zarah, you will remember me forever. This tribe will remember me forever. This path was given to me by him. If I had to do it all over again, knowing this outcome, I pray I would follow his word once more." 

He bowed his head for a moment, signaling that all his last words had been said as he waited to be dragged to the cliff’s edge. N’Danna pulled him along more like a rag doll than a human being. Davu’s eyes never left Zarah’s as they went and he kept them trained on her as N’Danna faced him to look at the small crowd. He held him there for a second, waiting for Zarah to give the final words before he could be thrown to his death.

She took a deep breath. She expected there to be more emotion, her first time passing the sentence that led to someone’s death but she felt nothing. No remorse, no small rays of guilt for the life she was cutting short. Just a desire to end it, to toss him away and the past along with him.

"Life is a precious gift. How we spend it is entirely our own. We must contend in this life with the choices we make, even when they mean our downfall. And now Davu, your time on this Earth has come to an end and I pray you find comfort in the mountains with Hanuman as you spend an eternity reflecting on the choices you made."

Brother and sister shared a nod, before he lifted Davu up by the arm and dangled him off the cliff. The wind howled, a second passed, a brief smile graced his distorted and bloodied features before he plummeted beneath the cliff’s edge. N’Danna watched for a moment until he saw his body, broken, at the bottom of the cliff. He could not hear the thud, the audible signifier that his life had been snuffed out, but he knew it was there beneath the loud winds. He walked back to stand by his sister.

She took a deep breath, she could feel the tension leave the crowd. She could guess what they were thinking, "It is finally over." But it was not, far from it.

"But now we must reckon with the darkness within." Zarah turned her attention back to her parents, who stood at the front of the Council. "And so, Elder Amari, please step forward."

Amari shared a confused glance with his wife before stepping forward, tall and confident. It seemed he did not know, did not realize the timer his life was on as he stood before his daughter. He was slightly unnerved though, by the uncharacteristically cold glance in her eyes. 

"I will ask you all one question and I expect the truth, did you conspire with Davu to overthrow the Chief of Jabariland?" 

She tilted her head and examined him as she watched all the emotions pass through his face: faux outrage and shock to find the fear and guilt she knew simmered beneath the surface. 

"How dare you ask such a th-"

"If you admit your betrayal, you can keep your life and live in exile out of Jabariland. Lie to me and you die here, today on this mountain. Did you pass along information to Davu to help him overthrow Lord M’Baku? He claims that in exchange, he promised to allow our family to maintain their seats of power under his new reign. Is this true?"

"Daughter! This is madness. Lunacy! Why would you believe only his word? He is not even a Jabari!" he argued. 

She raised her hand to silence him. "I would not have brought you nor the entire council here without proof. You have betrayed this tribe. You betrayed me. I am offering you mercy, that offer is dwindling by the second. Lie to me again and you will meet Hanuman faster than you anticipated. I will ask only once more. Did. You. Betray. Me?" 

"How could you think I would conspire to have you killed? W-w-what would I gain?" he argued. 

"These are not answers! They are deflections. I can think of a few things, the top one being someone in power who shares your beliefs, your love of power. Shall I review the evidence stacked up against you?" 

She started to cover the distance between them before a strong arm wrapped around her waist to stop her. 

“That is enough, Zarah. Perhaps Davu was lying. Maybe your father was not involved, let's just end this," M'Baku demanded.

"NO! My father is lying and I know he is! And if he wishes to keep his life, he will tell me the truth.” There was a small breath as both waited for the other to concede. They rarely disagreed in public, rarely questioned the other’s authority either. But neither were willing to back down, willing to turn back. “Get off of me, M’Baku," she whispered lowly, so no one else would hear her. He hesitated but soon his hand slid away, giving her free reign to walk toward him again.

"There is no evidence! I have done nothing wrong!" 

She began to yell over him, drowning out his attempts to lie, to save his own skin. "General N’Danna admitted to sharing intimate knowledge of the search for Davu for the last month; Davu admitted to receiving that knowledge from you! He also admits to taking your suggestion to look outside Jabariland. We have a confession from Davu implicating you as an accomplice. The list of people who could have given him information about the guards and their protocol to get me alone is short and you are on it. And lastly," she gestured toward Jahari who had Mosi next to him in handcuffs. "We know that someone paid my guard money to remain silent about what happened the night I was taken. Shall I call him up here and ask him who paid him or do you want to just admit it yourself? Your treachery is long, and the web of deceit you have used to hide it is unraveling."

Her father opened and closed his mouth several times, his excuses and reasoning running out. He had not expected to be found out, certainly not held accountable for it. Still, he knew she was bluffing about executing him. His daughter was weak, she would not execute her own blood. At his silence, she motioned for Mosi, who was standing at the edge of the forest, to be brought forward. 

Kasim held Mosi’s arm in his grip as the man walked toward his chieftess. Mosi’s face spelled his guilt clearly, he was no hardened criminal. He was simply selfish and lacked the same loyalties as the rest of the guard. But he was prepared to admit his faults because he was not willing to die for Elder Amari. 

Kasim nudged Mosi forward toward Zarah and M’Baku. Zarah took notice of how his eyes were trained on the dirty snow below his feet instead of her eyes. 

But before she could ask him any questions, her father interrupted her. 

"No! Zarah, I am sorry! I did it. I did it," he rushed out, not needing the guard to sell him up the river. He seemed to be under some allusion that giving the information up himself would soften the blow of his betrayal. It did not. 

Shock settled among the group as Zarah eyed her brother who stood off to her side. She looked out of the side of her eye at him, his face twisted in shock and pain. He had not wanted to believe it, had spent every moment of the last few hours denying it. But denial is the only emotion with a definite expiration date, it has to end eventually. She directed her attention back to her father, who seemed unnaturally calm like due to the assurance of mercy if he told the truth. Little did he know. Zarah was not a liar by nature but she knew her father would never admit his faults unless he saw the benefit in it for him, saving his own life. However, she had made peace with his death before the Talon touched down in the soft snow of this bluff. There was never going to be any mercy, his sentence was written before he opened his mouth. 

"Why?" she demanded, as two guards moved from the sidelines and grabbed him by his arms, ready to arrest him or exile him out of their borders. 

"Souls of the Jabari needed to be saved! M'Baku is destroying everything we hold dear, every reason Hanuman has blessed us for as long as he has! We had to do something, we had to act!" he argued, fuming with frustration. 

"So to save Jabariland, you sought to steal her and hand her to men that do not respect our customs and our ways? By almost murdering your chieftess and daughter?" M'Baku asked, voice even and cool despite addressing the man who helped cause all this, whose actions almost killed his wife. 

"You do not deserve to lead this tribe," he spat. "Neither of you! You are too stubborn and pigheaded for your own good. And you, my daughter, are weak. Neither of you understand the true way of the Jabari!" 

"Father... th-this is madness. How could you do this?" N'Danna called out. He looked as if he was seeing his father for the first time. His finery falling away and he was forced to confront what laid beneath his distorted image of his father: a coward. 

"Son, you have to understand, I had no choice!" Tears formed in his eyes as he tried to explain himself, get his first born to see his warped reasoning. Zarah did not remember ever seeing her father cry, he did not believe in displaying emotion in that way. Part of her was moved by them, but then she remembered that those were not tears for his guilt, they were tears that he got caught.

"Elder Amari, do you admit to conspiring to murder the chief and chieftess of Jabariland and overthrow the throne?" 

"Zarah please! It was never supposed to go this far! He was just supposed to take you, scare you, t-t-then kill M'Baku! I am sorry! Please!" 

She turned her head away from her father, catching her eye with her brother, whose eyes finally affirmed her choice, her path forward. "You once told me that death was the only punishment befitting treason. You sought to destroy the very foundation of our tribe and for that, there is no forgiveness. I am sorry, baba."

His face went white as he realized he miscalculated, the assurance that his life would be spared was wrong. This was it, this was the end. It seemed that realization dawned on everyone because soon her mother's pleads for mercy joined the fray. 

"Zarah! Do not do this! He is your father. Please! Chief! Stop this please!" 

She turned to her husband, she was not sure what she was searching for in his eyes as they looked at each other. Permission? No, she did not need his permission to do it. She just wanted some reassurance, support, any indication that he finally agreed with her decision. She was not sure if that would make it easier but she would, at least, feel vindicated. He gave her a small nod, almost unnoticeable to everyone else. But she understood what it meant, she could press forward and he would be right behind her. 

She gestured at her brother, who took their father's arm from the guard and dragged him to the cliff's edge. 

"Son! Son, please! I made you into the man you are! Your sister is not fit to lead, he is not fit to lead. You have to understand why I did it! You know I am not a bad person, please!" 

N'Danna wished he could shut off his ears, the pleads of the man who raised him doing little to dampen the anger and betrayal he felt. He may not have agreed with all M'Baku's decisions but he would follow them until the end of the Earth. He certainly would never try to overthrow him. The Jabari had no room for people whose loyalties did not meet those very basic tenants. 

Zarah stared, eyes watering, as her brother held her father at the cliff's edge. His and their mother’s pleads moved her less than the passing wind. The decision had been made, she would not turn back now. 

The loud gasps of the council and wails of her mother rang in the air as Elder Amari was thrown to be with Hanuman in the afterlife. His wife crumpled to the ground sobbing as his body fell to its end. A few tears fell as her mind imagined his body thudding in finality at the base of the mountain next to Davu's. Now it was over. 

Her mother’s sobs caused her to redirect her attention to her body on the ground. 

"You cannot do this! You are nothing without me and your father. We made you into the woman you are today!" Her mother's grief morphing into anger at her daughter, the reason her husband was now gone. Zarah felt for her, she really did. But it meant nothing.

Zarah walked up to her mother and looked down at her, "I am chieftess because Hanuman destined that I be chieftess. Not because of you but in spite of you. I pray you find comfort in him as you mourn the loss of your husband. I have no evidence that you conspired with Elder Amari and for that, you will get to retain your place on the Council and life here in my tribe. You are my mother and I love you, truly I do. But know this, if you ever speak to me that way again, it will be the last time you speak to me."

She felt her mother wilt under her stare, her coldness. "You are all dismissed." 

****

M’Baku woke to find the small staple beside him gone. He wondered if this was how she felt all those weeks, waking up alone and cold without the love and comfort of your partner’s embrace. Anxiety gripped him as he visually scanned the room and saw no light in the bathroom or closet, signaling that his wife was not in their bedroom at all.

His heavy legs swung out of bed as he pulled on pants and a sweater and grabbed his knobkerrie off its stand. His eyes floated down to the second holder, noticing that her borrowed kerrie was missing as well. His mind called back to when he promised to carve her a new one. He shook his head, shaking off the frustrations at himself. He had been so distracted that he did not even bother to uphold that promise, to give her that gift. He made a mental note to do that immediately.

He opened his door to find Kide. "D-"

"Training Center," he responded immediately, knowing the question before it fell from his chief’s lips. "Jahari went with her and she said she was calling Kasim as well."

M’Baku nodded before pulling on his shoes and heading to the other side of the palace.

When he got there, all he heard was the loud cracks of knobkerries. Confused, he pressed forward into the main training room to find his wife and Kasim fighting. Jahari stood off to the side, chest heaving, which let him know that his wife was alternating training partners. He stood at the door and watched for a few moments. She trained with an intensity and callousness he had never seen before. A blow to her side caused her steps to falter and distracted her for a moment before Kasim brought his weapon down on the back of her legs, bringing her to the ground and pinning her there.

He held her there for a moment before reaching down to pull her up. "Again," she demanded. "Do not go easy on me this time."

“I think we both could use a brea-” he panted. 

“No. Again,” she said shortly. 

Kasim let out a deep sigh, eyeing his chief by the door, before his body sunk into its battle stance. They had been at it for hours. She was not as good as him, this they both knew. And she was not even performing at her usual best, the weight of the last day making her movements slow and imprecise. But if she wanted him to push her even harder, then that is what he would do.

Zarah rolled her neck and shoulders, preparing for another round. Her body was sore, she knew bruises would blossom on those sore parts come daylight but she did not care. She had no desire to rest, to slow down and be forced to contemplate the choices and actions born out of the last 36 hours. She would keep going, keep standing until her body was running on fumes and gave out on its own.

"Kasim!" She heard a familiar baritone bark as she blocked a blow from his kerrie for the hundredth time. Kasim immediately stopped fighting, turning his body and attention toward his chief. Zarah rolled her eyes, frustrated at the interruption. "That is enough. You and Jahari are dismissed for the evening."

Zarah scoffed. "No! We are not finished. I am not finished."

"That is enough Za. You need to come to bed and rest."

"He is the head of my guard, he takes orders from me." The adrenaline from fighting fueling her insubordination, her challenge of his authority. 

"Leave us! Now!" he barked at the guards, who scampered quickly. They refused to get caught in the middle of a lover's quarrel. 

Zarah rolled her eyes, twirling her borrowed weapon in her hands. "I will not scurry off to bed just because you ordered me to. I am training." She walked away from him to grab water and wipe off the sweat dripping off her face.  

"For what exactly?" He asked. His trepidation and concern for his wife was at an unprecedented level. From their argument to the events of yesterday, he did not understand how she was still standing, much less fighting. 

"I do not know," she shrugged coolly. "Maybe for the next time men decide they want to use my life as a pawn in a fight for greed and power, a fight for that damn wooden chair you sit in." 

His shoulders slumped. "No one is ever going to do that again Za. I promise you, no one will have the chance ever again. Come to bed. Rest. It has been a long day." 

"We would have said that before and look at us now? The consequences of my complacency. I am not going to bed so either you train with me or you go back to our room alone." 

He nodded, before sinking down into his battle stance. She quickly joined him on the mats and into hers before they started. 

"You are still angry with me?" she asked as she dodged a swing of his staff before trading one of her own. He grunted as she connected her weapon with his side. Zarah always attacked early due to her smaller size, forced to get the upper hand in a fight early to win. He shook it off, continuing by advancing on her, quickly forcing her to switch to defense mode. 

"I was never angry with you." A loud crack echoed through the training room as their weapons connected. M'Baku quickly responded, showing his superiority as a fighter, and soon knocked his wife onto her back. She huffed for a moment, ignoring the ache from his weapon and falling before getting back up and attacking again. 

"Still lying? I know when you are upset M'Baku... and you were enraged. Probably more angry with me than you have ever been. So tell me why. You wanted to talk, let’s talk. We are already fighting so say what you need to say." 

M'Baku sighed. He did not want to pile on to everything she was already dealing with. But regardless of wants, this is what they needed, what she needed. She wanted to release her frustration, her rage. A conversation, even if it inevitably turned into an argument, was long overdue. He could not avoid this physical battle they were in and neither could avoid the pending verbal one.

"I just… I just do not understand. Explain to me why you would take such a risk? Go back there and jeopardize everything like that?" 

"I had to. I needed to see him," she argued back, blocking his blows. He noticed her stamina was running out, her fire dying out as she tried to channel her emotional pain into her blows. 

"Why did you need to see him? What on Earth could he do for you?" he pressed. 

"Answers… I needed answers and he had them. And thank god I did or my father would still walk around this tribe. A traitor would have gone unpunished. Going there was a blessing." 

"Yes and I am thankful we found out about your father's betrayal but you had no idea there was a traitor in the Jabari when you went. Do not act like this was some mission guided by Hanuman because that is not the case. You risked your life to have a conversation with a madman whose, up until that point, actions were rooted in pure lunacy. He could have attacked you again, he could have killed you! So 'You needed answers for questions you didn’t even know existed' is not good enough, Zarah!" 

He doesn’t understand. I had to. No one understood what it was like to live with such questions, such confusion and pain everyday. No one knew the holes it ripped into her already damaged soul, the toll on her mental health, the power not knowing took from her after he took so much of it already. 

"You don’t get it! He has taken everything! I just wanted to take something back. I needed to fight back! I had to! Why can’t you understand that?" 

M’Baku was trying to be patient, that is all he had been the last day, because it felt hypocritical to demand vulnerability and honesty when he had been anything but. However, his frustration was at a tipping point. She was right… he had never been more angry at her than the moment he realized she left their home, left him, to converse with a lunatic. He was suffering through the silent treatment while, according to Kasim, his wife had a whole conversation with Davu like they were old friends.

 "No I don’t understand it because you won’t explain it to me! Why did you 'have to'? Why did you have to jeopardize your life - our future - for this? You chastised me for failing to be honest but you haven’t been honest with me either. Because ever since you came home, you have pretended to be ok, pretended to not be bothered by being tortured and poisoned and kidnapped. And the only person you are fooling is yourself because we all see it, we see you are not ok. So explain it to me!" Each statement was punctuated by the cracks of their weapons as he blocked her blows, noting the agitation and emotion growing as they fought. He saw it, knew he was finally drilling down and causing the mask to fall. He quickly overpowered her, pulling her knobkerrie out of her hand. 

"No more fighting. No more avoiding this… what happened or me. Explain it to me," he repeated, holding her weapon above his head to keep it out of reach. 

Frustration filled her face as she reached for it, "Give it back, M'Baku! I have explained myself." 

"No!  Not until you tell me why risking everything mattered so much to you!”

“Give it back!” she yelled as they fought and struggled with the knobkerrie. 

“Not until you explain why you cannot be honest about your feelings with me and why you would rather talk to a lunatic about your feelings than your husband." 

"Because I cannot continue to be weak!" She screamed at him, achieving the response he wanted - her anger to large to keep hidden and tucked away any longer. "I cannot continue to let others fight my battles and save me! First, N’Danna, then Adisa and then you. Mosi, Kasim, Jahari," She listed. "All my life, bigger and stronger people fight my battles because I cannot. And what happens when one of you isn’t around to do the saving? I fall apart, I become a weak... I become powerless, a woman who does not deserve to lead the tribe or be with you." Her chest heaved as she ranted, unable to stop the floodgates now that they were open. 

"Men broke into MY home and took me away to be tortured, beaten, poisoned for days. And it was easy to blame you, to lie on a cold floor wondering why my husband hasn’t found me yet. But what did I do to save myself? Nothing!" she threw her hands in the air, exasperated. "I did nothing. I let him take me, I let him destroy me! I was ready to die in that cave, I lasted barely a day before I resigned to dying instead of fighting back. What kind of Jabari is that? What kind of Chieftess is that? You know what he told me when I found him? He did not want to kill me, he wanted to break me. ‘Whether you shatter all at once or break piece by piece, the endgame is the same." I am the weak spot and my father, Davu… they all knew it and they took advantage of it. And they have been breaking me piece by piece since I got home."

She held her hand up to stop him as she heard him try to interject. She could not stop now. "So why did I risk everything? Because I lost everything - my dignity, my body, my soul… you. He stole everything and I just let him ride into the sunset with it so I had to go and take something back. This was my chance, my opportunity to redeem myself, to feel like I could walk through these mountains and be more than the weak, broken woman you dragged out of that cave. Hanuman willed I be chieftess and I will not fail him, this tribe or you ever again. I went because it was not your fight, it was mine and I was going to see it through until the end. No more weakness,” she pounded her first into her open hand, “No more cowering in the shadows… that woman is gone!"

She harshly wiped the tears that streamed down her face away but fresh ones simply replacing the old ones. Silence fell over them as her rant ended. M’Baku just stared at her, she was expecting a rebuttal but all she got was an expression of sympathy. She let out a strangled frustrated groan as she turned away from her husband, away from his pity. She did not want it, did not need it. And now she was simply frustrated with herself, for letting him push her to reveal all of that and that she could not stuff all those words back into the deepest abyss of her soul, where no one else could hear them. But now they were floating in space, free, which made them too real for her. 

"Little one…" 

Her motions stilled as she heard that nickname, the first time he had called her that in almost a month. But she did not want to hear it, fearful that she did not deserve it when she felt this broken... this shattered. "D-d-don’t call me that… I d-don’t deserve it."

She felt his presence behind her, the shadow of his large frame around her small one. Two hands gently grabbed her waist to turn her around. She tried to back away from him, put needed space between them.

"Little one... look at me, please." 

She shook her head, eyes still trained on the floor as she tried to free herself from his advances. She knew if she looked at him, the very last thread of her composure would unravel. "Let me go, please," she whispered, barely audible to try to hide the tremble in her voice. 

"No… please look at me." He did not care if she fell, if she broke. He would always be there to catch her. He brought her flush to his chest, a hand sliding under her chin to force her glossy eyes to his. 

"Zarah… listen to me. T-t-this is not your fault," she started shaking her head, his words clashing with the narrative she fed herself for a month. "This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You are not weak, you have not been destroyed. You are chieftess of this tribe, one of the most powerful women in this country. You think he destroyed you because you are traumatized? Because you did not fight back against men beating you or after being pumped with poison meant to make you physically weak? Many could not have survived what you did. Acknowledging your pain, your trauma does not make you any less of a Jabari, a wife or a chieftess, it makes you human, it keeps you sane. It does not mean you are broken without repair, it is how you mend. Do you hear me? He cannot take everything from you because you are still here, you are still standing… still breathing and you are everything."

She pushed against his chest, trying to free herself as the emotional walls started to close in around her. "I-it’s not true. Everything h-h-he did, he did to break me. I l-l-let him b-break m-"

She gasped and tried to fill her lungs with air as her emotions finally broke free. Her rapid and ragged breaths filled the room as she tried to stop the emotional runaway train she was on. She didn’t notice her legs give out beneath her until her husband’s hands guided her to mat on the floor.

One of M’Baku’s hands touched her cheek to wipe a tear. At his touch, she fully broke down, an avalanche of emotions crashing heavily on her. Tears flowed freely as she closed the space between them and buried her face in the nape of his neck. His hands snaked around her back pulling her as close as he could. A soft whimper left her lips and gave way to loud sobs racking through her entire body. While she cried, M’Baku said nothing, simply letting a few tears fall on his own. He just wanted her to be happy again, whole again. And if this was a necessary step on the road to recovery, he would be there to navigate it to the best of his ability. 

They simply sat there, two souls lost on their path back to one another finally reunited. But reunions were not always happy. Sometimes they resembled the path that it took to get there, filled with suffering and pain.

They sat on the floor in the depths of their winter palace unleashing stored pain until her sobs quieted enough for him to take her to bed.

****

Zarah's head pounded as she rolled onto her stomach under the heavy duvet on her bed. Her hand slid across their soft sheets to find home, warmth. Soon, they collided with a warm body whose arms immediately wrapped around her and pulled her tight against his torso.  

"How are you feeling?" He asked tentatively. 

Zarah adjusted on herself to fully drape over his bare chest. She sighed deeply, feeling comfort she hadn't felt in too long. 

"I'm fin-" she stopped herself, unable to stop the lie before it started to leave her lips. Her mind hardwired to hide her emotional suffering under a painted smile. The weight of the last 36 hours felt as heavy as ever. Each hour had extracted a heavy toll from her, physically and emotionally. She never got a break as they siphoned off of her, and she finally felt it - the emptiness left behind. 

She was officially on fumes and that only allowed energy for the activities needed to maintain her survival. She no longer cared if M’Baku would view her differently. She was who she was: defeated, bruised and broken. He would accept it or he wouldn’t. "Not gr-great," she pushed out as her voice broke. She didn't have any other words to describe how she felt. 

"What can I do? What can I do to help you?"

She sighed, wondering if there was anything he could do to ease the emotional ache of the last day and a half… the last month for that matter. And the answer, she quickly realized, was no. All the problems she now faced, all the trauma she had to unpack were demons residing in her mind, heart and soul. Her husband was an expert on the battlefield but he could not fight those. They were hers alone. And now the monsters were freed from their cage, running amok in her mind and there was no putting them back. This was a battle she could no longer run away from and an unfortunate truth dawned upon her: she could not fight it here. 

 When she looked at her home, she saw nothing but destruction, the ruination her father and Davu brought into her life. It sullied everything around her, every aspect of her life. Even M’Baku did not look the same anymore. Their marriage tainted by others' quest for power and greed. How could she hope to weave herself and the foundation of their lives back together when there were so much trauma filling the spaces to pluck at the threads again?

Davu was right: he cracked the foundation and until they addressed that, until she addressed those fissures, they could not build anything. 

She knew the path forward, it was clear. But she did not know if she had the strength to do it. How could she say goodbye to him when for her whole life, she yearned for him, craved him, never had enough of him? She begged Hanuman to bring her back to M’Baku, vowed she would never leave him. And now that was the only option? 

She shook her head, "Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. These are things I must confront on my own."

His hand feathered her face, noting the sadness and exhaustion in her eyes. He hated it, hated all of this. The things he would sacrifice to go back to two months prior, when their lives were simple and easy. But he realized that this was how life worked. Like snowfall, it can be gentle and peaceful or harsh and unrelenting. And sometimes, you think it is over and before you can recover, the skies open and pour down more on top of you. They had moved through the worst of it… somehow preserved through the unforgiving cold, pushed through the painful beatings of wind, found the path to the other side through the heavy falling snow. And now they had to figure out how to rebuild after the wreckage. They would though, he was sure of it. 

She leaned into his hand, the gentleness it held counteracting the rough calluses on his palm. "Anything you need, just ask. I am here, truly here with you, until the end of my days. You do what you need to heal and I will be there, no matter what it takes."

Tears escaped her eyes, which he promptly wiped away as they fell. No matter what it takes. That lifted the weight of the guilt already forming off her shoulders. She could do this and he would still be there when it was all over.

"Thank you," she whispered, throat tight and voice breaking. She propped herself up and kissed him gently on the lips. Against her better judgement, her hand snuck behind his head and pulled him in for a deeper kiss, shifting his large body on top of hers. He felt all she felt - the passion, the need, the desperation.

He moaned into her, hands roaming and exploring the body the world and his own hubris denied him for a month. He missed her, Hanuman knew he missed her. But still, a nagging thought held him back from ravishing and worshipping her as he wanted.

"Za…" he broke their passionate make out, leaning his head against hers as she tried to catch her breath. "I want this. Hanuman knows I want this. And I am sorry for all the times I denied you recently. I just could not love you the way you deserved knowing I failed you as I had. That was my mistake. But you said so yourself, you just lost your father today. Your confrontation with Davu yesterday, our argument… your breakdown...Is this wise? Are you sure you want this?"

"I-I-I don’t know the answer to that. But wise or not, I know I need you… I know this is what you can do for me right now. I need you in this way. I just… I just need to feel that you are here with me. And this is the only way I can truly get that. You want to take care of me, be a gentleman and I love you for it. But please don’t deny me this."

M’Baku stilled, he knew it was not wise but he would not deny her any longer, he learned his lesson. He captured her lips again, their hands now on a mission to strip the other bare at record speed. As his lips started their usual journey south to the Promised Land of her core, he pulled away briefly and looked at her, sadness filling his eyes as he really examined her for the first time, having not seen her naked in weeks. Her body was littered in scars and she had lost a noticeable amount of weight. 

She took notice and her eyes shifted to the window and away from his. "I will gain it all back, I promise. And the s-scars are not nice to look at. I know I don’t look the same, n-not how you like me."

"Stop usana, I like you in whatever form you give me. I just want you to be happy, whole, healthy. You are always beautiful to me. I do not care about the other stuff." He continued his journey south, preparing to worship her as he always did. This time, he was determined to make it count, to make her forget the endless torture the last month brought upon her. To spell out his apology for compounding her pain over and over again.

But his time was cut short when she pulled his face back up to hers. "I appreciate that but I need inside me now. I can’t wait." Zarah had been desperate for this contact for weeks. At this point, it wasn’t even a sexual need. She needed to be filled, to be stretched as far as she could. After a month of being depleted and not even really realizing it, now she knew she was empty. She just wanted to be poured into. 

Her entrance was already slick enough, begging and aching for him as he lined himself up at her opening. As he pushed into her, her face screwed up in pain, her body trying to reacclimate to his size. But she did not care how much it hurt, she wrapped her legs tight around his waist, ensuring that he knew not to stop. He stilled on top of her as she adjusted, she let out a deep sigh at the feeling of fulfillment, of getting what she needed after being deprived for so long. However, she immediately felt a small tinge of regret. Doing this would make what she needed to do tomorrow that much harder. But that was a dilemma for future Zarah she ultimately decided as she gently rocked her hips, urging her husband to begin his relentless pace into her body.

"What do you need my queen? Tell me what you need?" he asked, wanting to let her set the pace and tone for this encounter, it was about her.

"Fuck me. Make me forget it all."

He nodded, understanding what that meant, before he snapped his hips into her causing a cry to escape her lips. And for the rest of the night, as he poured his hard work and love into her at a superhuman pace, she forgot everything. 

****

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Adisa asked her as she helped her pack. Zarah rolled her eyes - her friend had asked her the same question 5 times since she summoned her and her brother to the palace. 

"Yes, I am sure," she assured as she pulled dresses down into a bag. "I have already worked it out.You are acting as if it is forever. This is temporary, I promise. I'll be back soon." 

"This place... this tribe doesn't function without you Za," her brother said. He understood, he did. She was healing and needed to get away. But he was still in mourning, trying to sort through his own emotions and now he has to do it without the only person who understood the depths of it. “We just lost father and now you too?" 

Zarah's motions stopped as she tried to not think about him. Guilt clouded her face. She turned away from her brother and best friend so she couldn't see the silent scolding Adisa gave her brother. 

"Is she not speaking to you?" She asked. 

"Nope. She refuses to see anyone and did not attend the council meeting this morning. She wants time away from us… from everyone." 

Zarah nodded. She lost both her parents last night, she would find a way to accept that. 

"What did M'Baku say about this?" He asked, in an effort to change the subject. 

"He has said nothing because he does not know yet. I am headed to tell him now." Adisa handed her a bag with the rest of her necessities. She knocked on the door, Kasim and Jahari, now assigned to her, immediately entering and gathering the bags to carry to the carriages. "Wish me luck with that one?" 

"You'll need it. Get well sister, I love you." He pulled her into a tight embrace before she moved to hug Adisa. 

"I love you too." 

They walked with her until they reached the throne room. The walk felt shorter than ever but that was because she wanted to prolong the inevitable. 

She pushes into the room, not surprised to find her husband surrounded by the rest of the council. Their attention snapped toward her. 

"Can I speak with you my king?"

"Leave us," he barked, causing all the elders to quickly scramble to gather their things. No one wanted to be told twice. 

"You never have to request an official audience with me Za. This is as much your throne room as it is mine. Are you alright? Do you feel ok?" He asked in rapid succession, walking down from his throne and examining her for signs of discomfort and injury. He had not even wanted to go to work today, but when the chieftess executes an elder, there is not much of a choice.

"I am ok, I’m ok. I ju… well, I wanted to talk to you. I-I wanted to say goodbye." Her eyes remained on his breastplate, avoiding the confusion and immediate tinge of pain that passed through them.

"G-goodbye? Wha - where are you going?" If the world could hear what was happening in his body, he imagined it would sound like a city collapsing. His heart, his soul was slowly crumbling before she even answered his question. 

"To the Golden City. I-I-I need help M’Baku and I c-cannot, I cannot get it here." Her big eyes begged for him to understand, to not make this harder on her than it had to be. He was transported back to a distant memory when he sat in this throne room and told her he was leaving, to challenge T’Challa, to fight for the soul of Wakanda. He imagined that he looked now much like she did then: heart broken, fearful, despondent. Except he did not have the right to be as angry with her as she was with him back then. While he was guided by his pride then, she was guided by a need to heal herself. And he could not demand she do so in the way and space he wanted her to.

"I spoke with King T’Challa and he told me of the counselor he used after his father’s death and that business with the usurper to heal his wounds. He thought it would be beneficial for me to meet with him."

"Ok, when do we leave? I shall accompany you." 

Zarah shook her head, hands meeting on his chest to halt his movements. M’Baku knew the answer before he said it, he just knew he had to try. He had hoped he was wrong and she would allow him to go with her.

"If I genuinely believed your presence would help heal these wounds, I would ask you to pack a bag today and come with me. But the truth is that I don’t know if it would. I love you M’Baku, Hanuman knows I do with my whole soul. But… everything here reminds me of the worst time of my life. Everywhere I look in this place is a reminder of everything I lost, everything I almost lost, including you. I cannot heal or move on like this. I cannot be the wife or chieftess you or our people deserve, even a fraction of who I once was, when I feel like this. This," she gestured around the room, "does not feel like home anymore. I need it to again before this can be anything again."

He nodded, a small soft hand wiping the tears that streamed down his face. "I understand, believe me I do. I j-just do not know how to let you go, or say goodbye to you."

"Then let’s not." Their foreheads met as they savored one last moment in each other’s arms until only Hanuman knew when.

"Promise me you will return when you are better, when it feels like home again. For the Jabari… for me. Promise." He demanded gently. Zarah smiled through her pain, remembering memory he was calling back to, the last time they said goodbye.

"I am not foolishly rushing off to my potential death my king," she joked. "This is not forever, I will be back as soon as I can. I promise." She placed a kiss to his lips and cheek before she broke from his arms to leave. Each step hurt like a physical wound but she knew it was necessarily. She was finally putting herself first, prioritizing healing herself so that she could go back to who she was or find a better version of who she was. She just prayed that she did not just make a promise she couldn’t keep. 

****

A/N: There is one more chapter after this and then I will be focusing on The Chosen Ones series but I think I will keep doing one-shots and such of Zarah and M’Baku because I love them so much lol Thanks for reading as always! 

@muse-of-mbaku @destinio1 @jellybean531 @missmohnique @dawva @afrolatinpami

[cjrae]

How Do You Know It’s Finished? Or: Does God actually have a plan?

A Priest Walks Into A Bar is one of my favorite episodes of Lucifer. Full stop. Season 1 gets a decent amount of flack for some tonal issues as they were finding their feet, but if you’re looking for episodes that deal with the Big Questions, Season 1 really sinks it’s teeth into them. 1x09 deals with a larger question within the context of a more intimate one. Does God have a plan? More specifically, does he have a plan for Lucifer?

What we’re essentially asking is the question of pre-destination versus free will. Given that free will is one of the standard responses to the problem of evil, let’s take a (brief!) look at the Problem of Evil.

The Problem of Evil

The Problem of Evil is the logical contradiction that arises from the following axioms. If God is all of the following:

1.) omniscient - all-knowing

2.) omnipotent - all-powerful

3.) omni-benevolent - good

Then why does evil exist? If God is any of the two, but not the third, then the state of the world is perfectly explainable. An omniscient and omni-benevolent God knows everything and is good, but lacks the power to resolve the problem of evil. An omnipotent and omni-benevolent God is all powerful and good, but lacks the knowledge of all evil in the world - evil is capable of hiding. And an omniscient and omnipotent God that is NOT omni-benevolent means that God has deliberately created evil for Reasons.

(It is worth noting that the idea of God embodying all three of these axioms is a very Christian concept of God, but given that the character of Lucifer originated from John Milton’s famous Bible fanfic, Paradise Lost, it may be fair. Of course, Gaiman himself is Jewish and some Jewish thought tends to drop omniscience from the equation. We’ll come back to this, because if you have a God that can change, then God becomes much more interesting in a narrative structure.)

This is, as you can imagine, a logical contradiction that has fascinated theologians and philosophers for centuries, but the most popular resolution within popular culture is the concept of free will. In other words, evil is our fault, not God’s. The ability to choose gives the very concepts of good and evil relevance, in fact.

Free will has plenty of problems, but its issues are irrelevant in terms of this discussion because we are dealing with a fictional universe, where free will and the axiom of choice work very well within drama. And within the universe of Lucifer, free will exists. Choice is a central theme because everyone in the universe self-actualizes to an extent.

Humanity chooses their final destination based on their own subconscious judgment (God is completely uninvolved). Angels literally control their own appearances and abilities subconsciously. Lucifer’s devil face (and later his entire transformation) are manifestations of his own self-hatred while Amenadiel’s fall and the restoration of his wings (but not his ability to slow time) are based on his judgment of his own virtue and his connection to humanity.

So, let’s wrap this back around to the big question - is the universe predestined or not? Do our choices actually matter or does God have a plan and your choices are an illusion?

Predestination

One of the things that makes 1x09 work so well as an episode is watching patterns come together. 

A parent without a child tries to reconnect with and guide the child of his lost friends, who has gotten himself into trouble. That leads him into Lucifer’s bar - where Lucifer just happens to have recently gotten involved with investigating homicides. Once Lucifer’s involved, Chloe gets involved when they find the head of the program murdered, leading them to Conor and the Spider’s operation. Which leads to Conor being literally put in the middle of two men fighting over him and being forced to choose between their very different visions of his life. Father Frank then chooses to put himself between Conor and the Spider, getting himself shot, which leads to him dying in Lucifer’s arms.

We know that at one point God had a plan - Lucifer confirms that. In fact, it’s the central tenant of Father Frank’s faith. The idea that all of his pain and loss had a purpose behind it is how he deals with grief and finds meaning in a loss that can and has broken people before him.

It’s Lucifer who points out the obvious - that killing a young girl and two loving parents in service of the Plan is cruel. It leaves two people behind who are broken in the exact same way, but who deal with it very differently. Frank finds faith and turns to helping others where Conor becomes extremely vulnerable and prey to the predators of the world like the Spider in his own search for a place to belong.

Perhaps that does a good job of illustrating the different choices available to people, but how much of a choice did Conor actually have? He was a child without the coping processes of an adult, grew up in foster care, clearly bounced around the system and so desperate for love and affection while also mistrusting healthier expressions of those emotions due to being (unwillingly) abandoned by his dead parents that he was drawn into a criminal drug operation in an attempt to find his place.

if we believe that this was all a plan, then both Frank and Conor’s choices were illusions. Yes, they made choices, but their circumstances and environments shaped those choices.

In a system like this, think of the choices people make in terms of a physics problem. If you’re looking at a single atom, it is chaotic - able to go in any direction. But, put that atom in a sea of other atoms, in various environments and you can start to predict with reasonable accuracy how the group is going to behave - which other atoms it might bond to, how it’ll react under pressure or with the introduction of other elements. Patterns begin to emerge. 

Lucifer had just put out a fragile tendril of friendship before watching it be cut away with Frank’s tragic fate, his friend’s last words suggesting that all of this was to simply put Frank in Lucifer’s path for…what reason? To remind Lucifer that his Father has a plan? That his Father isn’t done with him, to imply that all of Lucifer’s suffering up to this point has a Purpose? A role he is being shaped for?

Lucifer already knows this. Lucifer has already rebelled against this. Frank’s fate is just more evidence to Lucifer that his Father’s plans are needlessly cruel and manipulative.

And, honestly, Lucifer has a point.

Can God Change?

Earlier, we talked about the Problem of Evil. However, the role of God changes dramatically if we drop one of the axioms - and I would argue that Gaiman, as well as the Lucifer show runners have done just that.

God is, frankly, far more interesting if He is capable of change, just like our main characters. The biggest issue with the traditional Christian interpretation of God is His very perfection, which makes Him utterly static. A perfect deity is, well...boring. Especially within the context of a narrative.

At it’s heart, Lucifer is a show about family - the families we come from that shape us and the families that we create around us - and how the two can and do merge.

Imagine the frustration of a God who loves His son, has all the power in the world to effect change - but doesn’t know how best to employ it? Who didn’t see Lucifer’s rebellion coming and reacted out of anger or frustration or even sorrow, possibly understanding how things went so wrong in retrospect, but unsure how to reach out to a child who was holding that much anger and self hatred? How would that parent try to help their child? Do you give them space? Do you actively punish them so that they understand the consequences of their actions? Do you passively stand back and let the consequences of their actions play out so that they learn and grow?

Given how subtle divine intervention is within the show, it’s reasonable to assume that God is mostly trying to stay out of things - after all, why bother with free will if you don’t let people exercise it?

Free Will

We know that choice is important within the universe of Lucifer. So, if God is looking at humanity like a social physics problem, then He probably has a pretty decent idea of how general patterns will pan out and the divine intervention, as such, is much more subtle. Father Frank, after all, has a number of different ways he can attempt to help Conor, but he chooses to go to Lucifer Morningstar, a club owner known to grant favors.

Father Frank is a priest - presumably he believes in the Devil. He may not believe, when he first steps foot in LUX, that the man in front of him is the actual, literal Devil, but the absurdity is enough to rope Lucifer in. So, where did Father Frank get the idea to go to the Devil for help?

Well, we’ve got the luxury of having an episode told with God narrating it, so let’s briefly poke the bear that is 3x26 - Once Upon A Time.

Aside from arranging for Chloe to be born, God is very specific that He is NOT controlling the situation. In fact, in order to run this little experiment, He only makes one, tiny change. He moves a bullet a few inches to the left and John Decker survives the assassination disguised as a robbery.

The central question of 3x26 is, “Did God’s plan of putting Chloe in Lucifer’s path actually change anything?” And the answer at the end of the episode is a fairly clear ‘no.’

“And some, no matter how you shake things up, are drawn to the same people, the same passions. So all seems to have ended well, does that mean I never should have manipulated things to begin with? I have a better question: wouldn’t you, in my shoes? After all - a parent just wants what’s best for their child.”

Who knows whether God planted the idea or not, but a priest walks into a bar to ask the Devil for help.

Once that happens, the patterns continue to play out, but there is room for each individual choice to matter. Conor could have chosen to shoot Father Frank and prove his loyalty. Father Frank could have chosen to try to pull Conor out of the way of the bullet instead of stepping in front of it.

But they make the choices they make and in the end, Father Frank again lies dying in Lucifer’s arms, insisting that his choice was worth it because Lucifer’s Father has a plan - but the subtext has changed. Father Frank dies believing his death will serve the Purpose of showing two lost sons that they are loved.

The Messenger

The parallels here are not subtle. Conor and Father Frank are very much a reflection of Lucifer and his Father. Except that, in Lucifer’s eyes, Father Frank is fighting for Conor whereas he was abandoned. This episode is the first time that Lucifer is asked to question that basic assumption about his life.

Father Frank: “God has faith in him. In all of us. Even in our darkest moments.”

Lucifer: “You really believe that, don’t you?”

Father Frank: “I do. Why don’t you?”

Lucifer: (looking visibly uncomfortable) “Because he didn’t have faith in me.”

Father Frank: “I felt that way once too. But now I know, deep in my heart. God has a plan for me.”

Lucifer: (scoffing) “Oh his plan for me was quite clear.”

Father Frank. “How do you know it’s finished?”

From Lucifer’s perspective, that question should be terrifying. His Father’s plan has already gotten him sent to Hell to rule over the damned for all eternity. What more could God want from Lucifer?

I would argue that what God wants is quite simply what’s best for his son - his child who believes so throughly that he is damned that he’s manifested a completely different, horrific face to punish himself with. Lucifer doesn’t believe in second chances. So He shows him one.

Conor chooses not to kill Father Frank, twice. He chooses to stand against the Spider. Those choices cost him, but the cost of his actions doesn’t negate their importance. In the wake of losing Father Frank, Conor again chooses to help the police, taking down a drug operation that was preying on vulnerable children inside that foster center, which will presumably make L.A. a slightly safer place for those kids.

Chloe sees the potential for good in the consequences of this night, and she speculates about that to Lucifer. But Lucifer’s in no state of mind to hear it. What he does do, however, is significant. He allows himself to feel pain and, rather than numbing it, as we see him fail to light the cigarette, he yells at his Father.

The dialogue is one sided and angry, but it’s implied that this may be the first time Lucifer has spoken to his Father since he became the Lord of Hell. This is a relationship that had been depicted as broken beyond all hope of repair, both sides having shut down communication with the other.

Father Frank’s sacrifice changes all of that. Yes, the priest gets to fulfill his desire of helping Conor make a different choice, a better choice. But he’s also a messenger. The subtext becomes less, “you are being shaped for a role” and more “your Father still loves you and has never given up on you.”

What if what God’s initial goal was to simply get his son to talk to him?  

Redemption

The next episode, Pops, is very revealing when it comes to Lucifer’s internalized guilt that he won’t be able to begin voicing until the end of season three. The things he says about Junior’s relationship to his father again parallel his own estrangement from his Father.

Anne: “That ungrateful kid was given everything and he threw it all away. But it didn’t matter. He was still the favorite.” (emphasis mine)

Lucifer: “Because he was worthy of his father’s love! And he had a chance at redemption until you ruined it!”

This exchange indicates that God’s desire for reconciliation is mutual. That doesn’t mean that either party wants to go back to the way things were - Lucifer doesn’t want to change who he is or what he’s done, whether he regrets it or not. That’s impossible and he knows it. But there is a desire to move forward, and for Lucifer putting the past behind him is very much about leaving Hell and it’s throne firmly behind.

But getting to that point of reconciliation is already going to be hard enough without Lucifer trapped in the same spiral of anger, guilt and pride.

So God reaches out, using a priest who has a shocking amount in common with Lucifer, to try to begin mending the breach. The consequences play out far beyond the end of 1x09. In the climax of Season 1, as Lucifer lies on the hangar floor, bleeding out, we see him open a dialogue again with his Father. Yes, he’s desperate, but would he have believed that asking his Father might do anything if it hadn’t been for Father Frank?

And this time, we see God answer. When Lucifer is desperate for help, his Father doesn’t abandon him. Instead, he gives him an opportunity. Moreover, he gives him an opportunity on Lucifer’s terms. The only way his son knows to ask for help is to offer a deal - sacrificing Lucifer’s own agency in exchange for Chloe’s life.

Yes, it’s a sign of Lucifer’s growth over the season, but it’s made clear that Lucifer going back to Hell was always a much more likely possibility than Lucifer himself ever wanted to accept. Lucifer came to earth with multiple backup options to get back to Hell - first Amenadiel, who will happily drag Lucifer back. Then the wings, which he burns and finally the Pentecostal coin that we see Lucifer playing with over and over again. Lucifer has planted the seeds of his own escape from Hell.

God’s intervention is subtle. Again, all He does is make a slight change - He moves the Pentecostal coin from Malcom’s possession back to Lucifer’s. The biggest difference is that He lets Lucifer know that he’s involved at all.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/waking-up-to-our-new-reality/

Waking Up To Our New Reality

Waking Up To Our New Reality

By Sarah Varcas

All dates are UT

When embroiled in the midst of a crisis, the longer view can sometimes help. Reflecting on how we got here, where we want to get to and how we can do so gives both context and meaning to our current trials. It transforms us from the victim of fate to the creator of our reality, and to some extent or other we all created where we find ourselves today. It’s been difficult not to. Modern life has become increasingly unbalanced over time. Estranged from our inherent wisdom we’ve handed responsibility for our health to the ‘experts’; for our security to self-interested politicians; for our meaning to the cult of celebrity and the narrative of hatred and fear peddled by mainstream media. We’ve allowed ourselves, to some degree or other, to be numbed to the consequences of our choices by the drip-fed mindless distraction of social media. And no, we haven’t all done all these things. But everyone’s done something. Just as many have also acted to counter this descent into ever deepening unconsciousness. But as consciousness is raised, so too are the stakes for those who fear exposure of what lies in the shadows. The equal and opposite reaction continues unabated.

At one level, where we find ourselves now shouldn’t surprise anyone. In a world where our immune systems are under attack from suppressive rather than curative health regimes to air pollution to toxins in the food chain and all around us in our throw-away culture, of course disease would eventually have its way! Why wouldn’t it? But on another level there are questions to be asked about why this one and why now? On a planet where over four million people die every year as a result of exposure to outdoor pollution, why weren’t those lives important enough for us to stop what we were doing before? Why haven’t governments the world over mobilised to eradicate that pollution, as they have to stop the spread of Covid-19? Why did humankind largely numb-out to the consequences of its modern lifestyle and carry on as normal until now? What’s so special about this moment in time? What’s changed?

Confronting our fear

The Saturn / Pluto conjunction in January 2020 pulled back the veil to reveal the consequences of humanity’s arrogance. The assumption that we could simply continue forever raping and exploiting this planet with impunity has been thrown into stark relief by the narrative of a virus that threatens the continuation of life as we know it. Many see this as Mother Nature’s revenge. Others believe it to be manmade. Still others see an act of obfuscation to test just how far humanity’s behaviour can be shaped by a narrative of fear. We may never know definitively how we got to where we are now, but all these perspectives contribute important angles to the debate about where we go from here. Whilst a virus is the core narrative, the many attendant issues are just as much a part of the picture being painted in the months to come.

The scientific rationalism of the modern age has fostered a monumental fear of death such that aging has become our nemesis and youth idealised beyond all reason. We must stamp out disease and battle it into submission rather than listen to its message and change accordingly. When disease and death are perceived as the enemy we wage a constant war upon them in our own bodies and minds. Our very life becomes a battleground, against an enemy that will always win eventually. A time such as this forces us to consider our attitude towards death. Is it a demonic presence forever waiting in the wings to snatch away all that we love with a sweep of its mighty hand? Or is it the wisest teacher worthy of respect, who frames a life and gives it meaning? Pluto’s conjunction with Jupiter throughout the rest of this year provides us an opportunity to reflect deeply on our mortality. Not because we’re all doomed, but because if we don’t we may well be not so far down the line! If the mass sublimation of our death-fear continues to manifest as an on-going subjugation of nature to prove our immortal superiority, our morbid dread of death will ironically hasten our collective demise.

The beginning of the end or a fresh start?

Which brings me back to that longer-term overview I mentioned. Where are we going from here? Is this the beginning of the end or an opportunity to forge a fresh start? Have we arrived so rapidly in our new reality that shaping how it develops is beyond our capabilities? What can we do when confined to our homes?! Must we simply hunker down and hope for the best, trying to resist the growing despair that’s settling upon many as the reality of our brave new world begins to sink in? Or do we use this time to wake up? To plan a path forward that looks nothing like the one that led us here in the first place…

It’s fair to say the next few months will test us. Lockdown and other manifestations of virus-related anxiety will be with us for some time to come. An ease in June/July 2020 as Jupiter and Pluto conjunct for the second time whilst retrograde may well coincide with a lessening of the panic, followed by an increase once more from the end of September / beginning of October as they both turn direct. When they conjunct for the last time inmid-November their final say on the matter may not be particularly edifying. However, Saturn’s one-time conjunction with Jupiter in the first degree of Aquarius on 21stDecember presages yet another layer of this global conundrum. Aquarius is the sign of humanity and sister/brotherhood. Saturn – Lord of Karma – and Jupiter – the Great Benefic – joining hands here may well deliver some hope and greater context for what’s been going on. But not without affording us all the weighty responsibility of shifting our own sense of self, reality and perspective to accommodate newly revealed truths around this time.

Onward into 2021

A square between Saturn in Aquarius and Uranus in Taurus throughout 2021 will test our mettle in this regard. Do we resolve to do things differently on a global scale? Or do we resist the necessary changes and allow frustration over losing the past to rob us of a positive future? Do we embrace innovative ways to live in the wake of this crisis or turn to the ‘tried and tested’ methods that got us into this mess in the first place? This is the key challenge next year. Life (and business) cannot continue as before. And to the extent that it does, we will face far greater threats to our health and liberty before too long.

When Uranus and Saturn form a square we must act. There’s no avoiding it. This is us taking stock of our life after the hurricane has passed. The terrain may be changed beyond recognition and many of the landmarks we knew so well, gone forever. But this square provides the impetus and inspiration to begin afresh and move forward in a productive way. If we choose to.

This will apply as much in our private world as our public one. If you’re spending your lockdown dreaming of when things ‘get back to normal’, you may well be disappointed. A new normal is taking root and we must prepare to run with it when the time’s right. We’ll eventually return to a world unburdened of our pollution, released from the unrelenting impact of humanity for a considerable period of time. That world is already starting to flourish. We are part of it and can choose to flourish too or pollute it once more with our resentment and frustration over things lost. There will be grief of course, and for some people much of it. But grief allowed to flow doesn’t pollute. Only when it’s denied or blocked does it become stagnant resentment or entropic despair.

In essence, we are currently suspended in a state of global shock. When faced with a crisis, old trauma reawakens, building layer upon layer of emotion and pain. As such, we’re not simply processing the present, but all its ripples into our personal and collective past. All those unresolved times when the rug was ripped from beneath us and we were faced with situations we struggled to bear. This shock will need to dissipate through the collective energy field in the coming months. The more we can generate a calm and loving space to receive it the better, for we all have wounds to nurse and care to give in equal measure. This is how we gain the clarity to perceive what’s really going on and discern with wisdom and unflinching presence what truly needs to be done about it.

Waking up to our new reality

The North Node’s arrival in Gemini on 5th May 2020 reminds us to lighten up and allow in some fresh air. The sensitive emotionality of the North Node in Cancer since November 2018 gives way to thinking, not feeling, connecting with others not protecting our own. This nodal shift exhorts us to wake up to our new reality and live it, not avoid, detach from or fear it. It encourages us to look outside as much as within; to join together in a spirit of collaboration. New ideas will form that could not have been conceived before. As the impact of prolonged restriction begins to bite, this nodal shift gives us a positive boost and lifts us out of frustration and fear into fresh perspectives and an inquisitive attitude toward the potential of this strange new world.

Mars enters its own sign of Aries on 28th June, remaining there until the beginning of January 2021. This is a long time for Mars to remain in a sign, extended by virtue of its retrograde passage between 9th September and 14th November. Here Mars is a true warrior. But, focused intensely on its own needs, it struggles to consider those of others if it even bothers to try. Mars is our core life force which gets us out of bed each morning, puts food on our table, enforces our boundaries and protects our personal interests. Its journey through Aries may reveal a dark underbelly of selfishness if supply chains begin to struggle and anxiety about personal stability increases in the wake of loss of income and liberty. Anger and frustration may spill over. The most vulnerable will need a louder, more insistent voice. No one must be left behind nor deemed more important than another. Which is why the lighter touch of the Gemini North Node is important, with its focus on community well-being balancing the more self-centred drives of this time.

In a conjunction of Mars and Eris between August and December 2020 we face a significant challenge to stay the course in a balanced way. Refuse to allow a narrative of fear or frustration to demonise others. Use this energy to speak up for people and protect their rights alongside your own. Take a stand in the interests of community cohesion not individual protection. Beware narratives that divide at this time. Never forget we’re all in this together. Mars and Eris can be our most noble selves rising up to fight the good fight or our most base selves rising up to grab what we can from those who can’t fight back. Greed may be exposed and selfishness rife. But both are a choice that we don’t have to make. Mars, God of War, and his sister Eris, Goddess of Discord, are capable of much mischief, but when aligned with the greater good they become a formidable force of courageous protection and fearless naming of truths denied.

Sovereignty and control

Fear has been a great leveller in this process. From royalty to the street homeless, we are told, all are at risk and none immune. Motivated by it, previously unimaginable curtailments of civil liberties have been imposed and accepted, largely without question. As Jupiter conjuncts Saturn in December 2020 that may begin to change, for Jupiter affords us a bigger perspective, a broader view and instils within us a lust for the future. If the future looks too constrained at this point people may begin getting very itchy feet! And if authorities seek to over-extend virus-related powers into 2021 under the gaze of the aforementioned Saturn/Uranus square, they may be surprised at the strength of feeling amongst the people. In its shadow face, Saturn in Aquarius seeks to control (Saturn) the masses (Aquarius). It fears individuality and self-determination, moving to curtail it. Uranus, on the other hand, insists upon freedom at any cost and in Taurus is unrelenting in that demand!

As such, the issue of control – Who has it? How do they use it? How do we behave when we lose it? Who do we give it up to and why?– is as fundamental to this time as any other. It’s easy to lose connection with your sovereign self when confined to barracks and fearful of what lurks ‘out there’. But our innate sovereignty isn’t diminished by circumstances, whatever they may be. And the core task of living doesn’t change. We are here to awaken. Pure and simple. To reclaim the Self and offer it up in service of Life. We can do that wherever we are, whoever we are and whatever’s happening around us.

Nothing and no one can steal our wisdom or curtail our growing awareness. If increasing numbers dedicate this unprecedented time to knowing the true Self more deeply, just think how different our future can be! How bold and bright and beautiful. Like an embodied evolutionary leap we could emerge anew, understanding profoundly how we arrived here and how to ensure we never return again, before embarking upon our next adventure. Together.

Sarah Varcas

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[wolvesdevour]

How Not to Write Gay Stories

I’m very torn between writing two different posts and there’s a chance these may combine, so we’ll see how this goes. There are two topics that are in my mind a fair amount: gay fetishism by women authors (both in fanfic & professional writing), and how to translate fanfic writing skills to professional writing (and how it can fail). Miraculously, perhaps, the book I just read, How (Not) To Ask a Boy to Prom by SJ Goslee is a fairly good example of both of these. 

The problem with addressing gay fetishism among women authors is that when is it fetishistic versus well-meaning? It’s hard for me to say why the originators of gay slash fic wrote the way they did, but its hard to miss that when fanfic especially grew prominent, over 80% of writers were women. In Star Trek fandom, the first gay slash fic was published by a woman in 1974: A Fragment Out of Time. By 1973, 90% of ST fan writers were women. 

To clear the air a little: women writers can write good gay stories. One of series I am currently read, The Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb, includes many gay men, some of which are centered POVs. I will not say she is a perfect author, but I deeply enjoy how she writes men. For a good portion of the series, she shows a man growing up: he starts as a young boy, and we see how the men around him teach him to be a man. A very good portion of the lessons stray away from toxic masculinity. He is still taught to be a man, and there are certain “this is a manly trait” aspects (although when she features women as forefront POV, she often includes very similar lessons: ultimately nothing is exclusive to one’s sex, but society is what it is and they may learn lessons differently or overcome different hurdles).

She addresses writing gay men in this interview: Here’s the thing - when I meet a person, their gender identity is most often not the most important thing about them. If we become friends, it’s not because my first impulse is, “I will be friends with you because you’re female.” I mean, there’s a lot of women I can’t stand. There’s a lot of men that I absolutely can spend hours talking to. There are a lot of people on the whole gender spectrum and whether I become friends with them or not has nothing to do with that, so when I am writing these characters, although in some ways gender can influence a plot - for instance, if you want the prince and the princess to get married and live happily ever after in a medieval setting, gender is going to influence that - but for the most part, gender is not much more important than who has blue eyes. What’s more important is who is a skilled navigator, who is tough enough to survive a bad situation, who can think on their feet and find the creative solution to a problem they haven’t encountered before, and that’s got nothing to do with gender. So it was not that I said, “Gee, I will write a book with gay characters.” It was, I’m writing a book, this character has stepped out onto the stage, he’s told me about him- or herself, and this is who they are. As I said: I’m not here to say that women cannot write gay stories. But there is also gay fetishism. I am both a gay man and a trans man; I get a lot of “OMG, you’ll love this!” and cis or straight people presenting me with things that appear inclusive or caring. I personally don’t find memes like “Steve Rogers is a transwoman!”** or whatever amusing. Am I, say, happy to see that Loki is canonically not straight nor cisgender? Yes. I love that. (Does that potentially make Victor von Doom not straight, uh, I like to think so.) I like reading LGBT+ stories, but a good portion of them may not interest me, especially if the writer isn’t part of that demographic and has a tendency to post a lot of art, writing, or discuss a lot of how hot, cute, or general appealing it is that a character or couple are LGBT. That creeps me out. I’m not alone. Very not alone. Absolutely not alone. Here’s another post, this time by a woman that I appreciate:

The worst thing,” one gay friend said, “is that [women in the slash community] aren’t listening to me. You’re not listening when I tell you that you’re being hurtful.”

What I find especially difficult to convey is the nuances to when women write gay men versus when men do. I’ve been trying to collect “gay stories written by gay men” although due to publishing bias, this can be very difficult: As a queer, trans reader, I looked forward to seeing myself in their pages. But I was surprised to find that some LGBTQ-focused stories were reflecting not me, but a straight person’s imagination of me. [Link 1]

The current transman story I like is seen in Early Riser by Jasper Fforde. The character utterly blindsided me in a great way: he never appeared “omg trans” until it was forced to come to light. I appreciate him as well, as a character, because in a harsh survival world, he is a man who survives well. I especially see a lot of “transmen are soft uwu such boi” and I despise this. I did not survive everything in my life to be diminished to pastels and cute/sweet and childish-boyish characteristics.  Similarly, as a gay man, I am not there to be pretty, to serve as a fashion guru for straight people, to be soft and pretty and welcoming. And that’s not how gay men write themselves. This isn’t how transmen write themselves. As a writer, I struggled a lot on how to depict trans characters, and my largest lesson (and I certainly hope to published one day, but who knows) is that I never saw good examples of myself because most typically they are written by straight, cis women.  So what is so wrong with Goslee’s How (Not) To Ask A Boy to Prom? (There will absolutely be spoilers.) The main character is a teen boy who has long hair, loves succulents aggressively, loves narwhals, and has no male friends. His school is supportive of gay men: a very popular football player is gay and has supportive friends, another gay teen (who becomes his boyfriend) has very supportive friends. For some reason, this gay teen is incapable to do anything for himself. He loves art, doesn’t do sports, doesn’t really connect with his foster parents, and seems overly attached to his sister. He is effectively a very flat and “soft” person. Some guys are, of course. Some gay guys are more art, less sports. But the other men? Si & Bern? They’re equally soft. Si is described as soft, beautiful, kind, sweet. He has zero personality. He is described the same way, every time, and is overly described as soft, all men are soft, it’s like they bathe in fabric softener. Bern, the “bad boy” is barely... That. He is supposed to be gruff to the main character, but for the good portion, he is like the main character (Nolan), and Si. They are all the same person, ultimately. 

Bloom might be a good comparison to How (Not) To Ask a Boy to Prom. This is written by a man (Kevin Pancetta) and illustrated by a woman (Savanna Ganucheau). I don’t like the character design. Most of the gay men I showed it to asked if at one of the guys (or both) are women. But it is a story about a frustrated kid who wants to move out of his small town to Baltimore (okay: as a Marylander who grew up in a very small town and eventually moved to Baltimore, I kinda.... Get this), but meets another man who is older, but not creepily too old for him, and its a romance & vague coming of age story. If you grew up in a small city as LGBT+, it’s hard to find your sense of self. You miss out a lot on life; I think Ari reflects that: he wants to be himself.  A lot of this enters into my point 2: The problem of being a fanfic writer, or the pitfalls of translating fanfic writing skills to professional writing. Nolan is not a person; he has no strong characteristics. We’re told he likes narwhals and succulents, he is a foster child, he’s gay, and I have trouble quantifying him the way I do Ari because he’s so devoid of personality. Si is probably the least developed character at all, as the “perfect, Apollo-esque gay football player.” Bern is maybe the most developed, going from gruff-mean guy to gay softy--a motorcycling math nerd.  The problems with fanfic writing is that it is based on knowing characters. As fanfic writers, we don’t have to nail down reality, because there’s a whole piece devoted to who they are. We’re just filling in those blanks. The author seems to primarily be a Teen Wolf fanfic writer (her bio lists “werewolves,” but her tumblr blog is very devoted to Teen Wolf, so well). This brings up another creepy pitfall, which is beyond slash fic writing, there is the aspect of word usage. If you’ve been following my vague live-reading, I’ve been posting about the massive references to “puppy” and other trends. It is creepy to read out of context. 

It seems, according to reviews, that Goslee has trouble with this in her other book, Whatever: or how junior high became totally f$@ked. She has a stream of consciousness that doesn’t explain the main character’s thoughts or the world very well. In fanfic writing, this would end up being a slow burn. “Oh, but are they really going to date?” etc. In How Not, Nolan fake-dates Bern, and googles this concept, finding fanfic works. This gets weird for me, because it’s supposed to be an inside joke, I guess? “Hey teeny nerds: fanfics” but most gay men I know have a difficult relationship with fanfic and with fan community due to fetishism. We get pressed out of spaces a fair amount because of it. (One link above, the Mary Sue one, discusses how women do this.) Of course, this is meant to be a cute, happy book, right? Alright, it’s a cute, upbeat story. Except we don’t get a very good baseline for the world. Bern & Si’s friends are supportive. We get a form of negativity from Bern’s mother, who wishes he’d date his ex-gf, I think? (Bern is bisexual.) Or maybe just date women. So is there homophobia in this world or not? We aren’t given a good sense how Nolan’s parents feel that he is gay? It seems to wholly not discuss his foster parents barring “they are aggressively competitive, Tom makes crazy food concoctions and Marla talks to him about dating Bern.” As a whole, the parents are extremely unimportant other than they provide a home and food. Are they unusual for the area? (And knowing PA, that state can have some major issues.) Or is it common in this world? Is there a reason to not hand-hold? Do they every worry about homophobia when outside school? Do the teachers say shit? There is a lot to consider. The world-building is deeply lacking. Beyond the lack of world, we get a lot of fanfic trope writing. A lot of this I’ve seen from people on my dash who are Teen Wolf fans. I used to like the show & follow TW blogs; I’m not a massive fanfic reader (*ahem* a lot of gay fetishism), but I have read it. For series like TW, you may see what I consider “animalistic tropes;” such as tackling, growling, etc. There is a lot of this. A lot of people are tackling each other to the ground, growling, and there’s this weird moment when Bern grabs the nape of Nolan’s neck that while some men do this, it felt very strange in the moment, particularly aggressively? Because the author openly admits to writing werewolf fanfic, it feels like that is what it is. For authors who write both fanfic and seek to write professionally, this is a consideration. For a gay reader, it’s really weird for a guy to grab another guy’s “nape of the neck” affectionately. (As someone who has worked around large predators, albeit primarily felids, grabbing the neck is a sexual behavior, but that just makes this weirder.) Anyways, it really struck out as weird; just very very weird. Bern is mentioned to not be into PDA (which later in the book, they do it a fair amount it seems, that is also very weird? this happens a fair amount). 

Another part is that there is a lot of use of the word puppy. It is frequents so often that I’d have to stop reading because it was grossing me out. It sounds like that author is into puppy play. This isn’t to kink shame, but this is a YA novel and she writes werewolf fanfic. It starts seemingly, albeit weirdly innocuous with moments like “Bern was smooth and graceful while I was still growing out of my puppy paws” and “She tilted her head like a puppy” and “I followed him up the stairs like a puppy.” But it keeps happening. Then people start growling at each other and it just... Gets a very specific note. Mixed in with how smooth and hairless and Adonis-like the teens are written, especially by an adult woman fan, it feels... Well... It makes my skin crawl. I’m not saying that the author means to. I’m really not trying to be like ‘Hey, guys, sexual predator?” I really, really want to address that that is not my intention. My intention is that this compounds on itself. In the links about how the slash side of fandom can make gay men uncomfortable: this is the perfect example.  I’ve been to events with fans and found myself, barring maybe my fiance, to be the only gay man there. If I’m shipping two characters, such as when I went to a TAZ photoshoot, and my fiance and I are the only gay cosplayers, and almost the only men period, whereas a lot of women are screaming about how cute Taako is, that gets uncomfortable. It’s not about this one fandom. It’s all fandoms. Every single one has had this fetishization problem. It’s why I never entered the Lord of the Rings fandom. I was in middle school and found “my first” fandom, only to see all of the fanfic about Sam/Frodo ships and it grossed me out. As a teen boy, it creeped me out, that all these men had to be sexual to each other, and as I only came across women shipping men, it made it more and more ostracizing.  Maybe I should have addressed this earlier, but: Not all fetishization is sexual. It can be romantic, too. How (Not) to Ask a Boy to Prom’s relationships are about a teen boy who doesn’t want to date or go to prom. His sister makes him ask out Si, the big popular gay guy. Nolan/the author mocks the GSA (gay-straight alliance) club. While there are problems with some GSAs*, the author, a seemingly straight woman, is mocking an LGBT+ space. There is a chance she is bisexual; I haven’t managed to find otherwise, and that’s how this will appear to many people, as she has a husband. I will also note: a bisexual woman’s experience will differ from a gay man’s experience, and sometimes LGBT+ folks need to not speak for/over each other.  Nolan ends up fake-dating Bern due to a mistake, and there’s a bit of problem I have, with how for a good portion of the book, these gay teens “need to FAKE date”. Worse to me, is that Nolan, upon realizing he likes Bern, breaks up with him and ends up sleeping (non-sexually) in a bed with his sister, deciding to go to prom together. For a straight/cis-presenting women to write this, it’s... Got a lot of different baggage to it. Especially with how idealistic (but not for gay men) she writes the characters, it gets worse and worse. It makes the gay character seem just a little less gay. His relationship with his sister is odd. It’s not “cool” to really hang out with your sister at school; I know, I had a step sister & brother. We were all roughly the same age. If these two went to prom together in the real world? They would be mocked. Also, it really makes Nolan appear not actually gay. As a gay writer, I would have him, if not go at all, go stag. The message here is: it’s better to be straight than gay and without a boyfriend. Hence how it becomes fetishistic: Nolan’s sister, both of which are older teens (around 17-18 or so) sleep together in a bed. It may not be “coded as sexual” but it is ignorant of the history that “maybe gay men can be fixed.” They even dance at prom. This is one step below asking your mother to prom. She is still his sister. It creates a narrative that he, out of the blue, dumps his boyfriend to then sleep/cuddle with his sister and they go to prom. Again, this is seen more in fanfic: we often, especially with adopted siblings, see closeness that can become romantic or sexual. I have a fair amount of friends who are adopted and this trope style is infinitely horrifying to them. It makes them feel like that society doesn’t view them as actually family. It is also a real problem: adopted family members (especially kids) have been abused by their adopted family, as if “it’s okay, they’re not actually biologically family.”

While he does eventually get back together with Bern, it’s after prom that he does this. I don’t even know why Bern accepts him. Nolan has been truly awful to this guy. Goslee doesn’t seem to understand how tenuous gay men’s statuses are. This can be held against Nolan, if not for the simple creepy fact that he sleeps and goes to prom with his sister, that he goes to prom with a woman, he may get a lot of “But are you really gay?” comments. Especially because Nolan dates only one man before going to prom with his sister (and is the one to dump his boyfriend, who he was fake-dating).

Is there more on this I could write? Yes. I probably could, but I also have to get ready to go to a movie with my fiance. So uh... Maybe there will be a part 2? We’ll see. _______ *I personally was forced out of my college’s GSA because the group was actually gay/bisexual people having orgies. So, yea, there’s some problems with certain LGBT+ spaces and being actually open to LGBT+ folks. It was also extremely transphobic and ace-phobic.  **My point with this for clarification is that: I don’t want to be bribed with “lol this person is LGBT+ cuuuute!?” headcanon or otherwise. I am fine with that form of headcanoning, or AUs, but the idea of playing with gender identity and pulling it off as cute, especially by cis or straight people is skeevy and at best, ignorant, at worst, fetishistic.  Link List: LGBT Exploitation in Fandom: we are not here for your entertainment

Fetishizing Homosexuality

gbpt boys’ ask about women readers of mlm stories

The Mary Sue’s On The Fetishization of Gay Men by Women in the Slash Community

Why Are So Many Gay Romances Written By Straight Women?

The Lack of Published Gay YA by Gay Authors? Let’s Talk About It

[memelordandsavior]

Klance Shippers Are Hypocrites And Romantic Sheith is Valid.

So let’s just dive right in and this is going to be long but bear with me. I’m covering all the bases. By now you’ve all heard about the nasty discourse surrounding Sheith due to season 6 and that scene.

“You’re my brother, I love you.”

This scene is huge because we finally understand what Shiro really means to Keith. Sheith fans have a lot to celebrate this season and they are, some fans have even joined the Sheith fandom due to season 6. But a lot of people also argue that Sheith is strictly platonic and familial due to “You’re my brother.” Some other’s have even gone to extremes with “it’s incest.” “Shiro adopted and raised him.” All of which are false. Keith is Krolia and Papa Keith’s only child and if there was a blood family relation, Shiro would’ve shown up in flashbacks with his family. Also let go of your hatred and look at baby Keith he’s so cute.

“It’s incest” is false.

Now to the “adopted and raised” thing. Listen. I’m 20 years old, I’m going to college and trying to get a job. NO ONE around my age, especially not younger, wants the responsibility of adopting and raising a kid and I doubt a 19-21 year old Shiro would either. It’s pretty clear what happened with Shiro and Keith’s backstory.

Shiro was a recruiter. Shiro did not adopt Keith. He recruited him.

Shiro came to Keith’s high school. By now Keith is already in a foster home being taken care of since his dad died when he was a lot younger than a teenager.

Shiro recruited Keith, probably because he saw the hidden potential in Keith that no one else could. He vouched for him to go to the Garrison which is a military organization. I’m assuming the Garrison is in the U.S. and the timeline is years into the future. By law you have to be at least 17 years old to enlist in a military organization. Keith was more than likely 16 in the Garrison flashback where he’s seated next to a kid who looks older than him, and when Shiro tells him he won’t give up on him. He was probably being tested to see if he was good enough for the Garrison (and being Keith he got into a fight).

I think people were confused when Keith said “just take me back to the home already” and automatically assumed Shiro took him in. That’s not what happened.

People who say this forget that the Garrison has dorms and housing.Otherwise Lance and Hunk wouldn’t be snooping around the faculty lounge at night and Pidge wouldn’t be seen leaving her dorm room in the first episode, they would be in their own homes. They literally live at the Garrison. Keith definitely also moved into the dorms and it’s very likely he got in on a flight scholarship (considering he was their best pilot) that Shiro vouched for.

So yeah. Keith was 16-17 when he got into the Garrison and also kind of a late bloomer. But he didn’t stay that way.

Keith is likely 18 here. The same age he was when the show began. And the crew confirmed Shiro wasn’t a faculty member before for long Kerberos, he was a student. He must’ve recently gotten promoted to one right before but Sam Holt was the designated adult faculty on the mission. Keith and Shiro knew each other as students at a military COLLEGE. Shiro never raised him.

“But Krolia said-“

This isn’t literal. What Krolia most likely meant by this line is “Thank you for being there for my son when no one else was, if it wasn’t for you his life would be different.” Which it would be as Keith himself has mentioned.

If Shiro hadn’t been there for him, hadn’t believed in him, hadn’t gave him advice when things got tough. Keith would have no one. Keith could’ve ended up the way Lotor did. When you don’t have a source of love in your life… things go sour quickly… Krolia’s words aren’t meant to be taken literally as if Shiro was a replacement for Keith’s dad. They simply mean she’s grateful for all he’s done for him.

Now that those points are covered. I’d like to address “you’re my brother.” The argument I keep seeing thrown at me constantly which is getting tiring and unnecessary at this point.

I’d like to remind these people, most if not all of whom are klantis or klance shippers (i know good ones exist though so please don’t go there), that klance has been called brotherly before as well.

This was literally the second episode. Hunk refers to Keith and Lance as “brothers” along with himself.

Even their supposed Klance savior Jeremy Shada himself has compared Klance’s relationship to being brotherly.

Yet NEVER has this been a problem for Klance shippers. They never stopped shipping it and no one has harassed them for it.

But suddenly it’s a major problem for Sheith. Give me a goddamn break. Sheith (as a romantic relationship) has been supported by the cast and crew of this show since the day it began and it continues to be supported by them. They have been less vocal about it but that’s likely because of the horrible harassment they were receiving. But If the creators intended Sheith to be a “brotherly” relationship, they’d also be grossed out by supporting it in a romantic light which is clearly not the case so that’s that.

NOW TO THE SCENE THAT SHOOK THE ENTIRE FANDOM.

STILL GETS ME TBH. This scene is so unbelievably telling and important to the evolution of Keith’s relationship with Shiro. However, if you choose to see Sheith as platonic and brotherly for your own personal reasons or heck just because that’s how you see it, THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE, but this post is explaining a different point of view and as long as you’re not an anti and are being respectful to all interpretations, you’re fine. I’m going to explain what this scene means to me personally as a bisexual girl, and many others in the LGBT+ community. 

As a bisexual woman who’s had romantic feelings for other women, I understand Keith calling Shiro a brother because I’ve called those women sisters. I’ve said “you’re like a sister to me” or “you are my sister” and realized later that those feelings were something more. I’ve seen this kind of thing happen often even in m|f relationships and ESPECIALLY in the LGBT+ community. Referring to a person you love in a romantic way as a brother or a sister is simply a way of expressing 1.) You trust them as much as you would trust family. 2.) A way of figuring out why you feel so close to this person in the first place and understanding your feelings. Or 3.) Expressing the romantic love you feel for the person in a safe way should they not reciprocate.

This scene is telling because we know how Keith saw Shiro throughout the show, the brother thing isn’t exactly new.

“Shiro, you’re like a brother to me.” - Season 2, Episode 8, The Blade of Marmora.

You all remember that, We can see that’s how Keith viewed the connection he had with Shiro because possibly, it was the ONLY way he could put a word to what he was feeling. Especially as an orphan with no one, surely the thing he wanted most was a family or someone he could call family. Shiro definitely was that person for him in the beginning stages of their relationship, but just like the weather, and the world, and age, and almost everything in the universe, relationships, people, and dynamics can change. To deny that theirs could’ve as well is frankly a bit ridiculous.

Keith has had time to grow, he’s had time to have his own little family with a dog and to get to know his mother better. Two years is more than enough time to make up for their lost time and lost familial relationship and now he’s got a new family dynamic that’s separate from how he viewed Shiro. Keith has also gotten older. He was 19 last season and now he’s 21 making him a mature adult and he’s gained a lot of self assurance in speaking to his mother, figuring out why she left, and understanding his family didn’t abandon him. MANY things about Keith have changed since he last called Shiro his brother. He goes into the fight with clone Shiro with determination and resolve, one that would waver once before with the thought of Shiro abandoning him. (I’VE ALMOST HIT IMAGE LIMIT SO BEAR WITH ME.)

His relationship with Shiro has also changed and I think Keith himself realized it. Keith realized as the clone was attacking him once he said “You’re my brother” that it simply wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to express what Keith felt for Shiro. Keith also would never use Shiro’s feelings against him as a manipulation tactic. Keith knew he was going to die, he knew he was losing, and he simply just wanted Shiro to know what he meant to him. If Shiro was familiar with Keith saying “I love you” in a brotherly context, it would not have made him stop attacking and pause in shock. The “you’re my brother” line wasn’t what got through to Shiro, It was the “I love you.” because it was new to both of them and showed a change in their relationship.

I could go on about how Sheith was likely the LGBT+ rep the crew has been fighting for but that’s not what this post is about so I’ll end it here.

Sheith has evolved, it’s grown and changed along with Shiro and Keith as individual characters. It’s a beautiful relationship however way you choose to interpret it and the people who see it romantic deserve to be able to because that interpretation is just as valid.

[our--beginning]

i wrote a sad meta about the way people keep comparing tohru adachi and goro akechi

warnings: canon character death; discussions of child abuse, financial abuse, physical assault, rape, murder, and blackmail as well as rehabilitation of an abuser

also, major endgame spoilers for Persona 4 (the animation), Persona 4 Arena Ultimax DLC, and Persona 5

the first is goro akechi.

also i’m gonna call them tohru and goro from now on because otherwise this thing is gonna be hell on the eyes!

there are lots of superficial similarities between tohru and goro - their surnames, the fact they serve as a foil to the protagonist of their games, the fact they’re a secret first-hand perpetrator for some of the crimes that occur during the course of their game. but there are a lot of superficial similarities between tohru and another character, too: yuu narukami / souji seta (i’m gonna go with souji for this).

all three of them grew up isolated. all three of them grew up in an environment where their caretakers only cared about concrete proof of their growth, such as grades; and not about them as a growing young person. all three of them were moved around a lot growing up, so they never really had the chance to make friends. and all three of them had absent parents (or a dead parent, in goro’s case).

but these are background features. in all three characters’ cases, the places where they show their true personality and character... is also where they show their differences from one another.

out of this background, tohru chose to become bitter and entitled. he decided that he was owed the intimacy that other people showed, and that he shouldn’t have to work for any of it; after all, he already worked hard all childhood. why should he have to work for anything else? he becomes entitled and self-centred. he manipulates others with a superficial personality, and when that doesn’t work to get him what he wants... he becomes a violent offender, attacking and raping the people who he thinks are acting to spite him. he shows no remorse for these actions. he truly believes he’s entitled to do these things - for his own entertainment and satisfaction.

this is a world away from the way souji came out of his background. after connecting with yosuke, chie, and nanako, he chooses to tentatively put down roots in inaba. he reaches out to the people around him slowly, helping them with their problems and making himself available to them. unlike tohru, he’s TERRIFIED by the prospect that he may be doing this for selfish reasons - so terrified that this belief manifests itself in his Shadow, which Margaret forces him to confront near the end of the animation. He has a strong desire to earn the closeness and intimacy that his social links eventually share with him, which is polar opposite to tohru’s entitlement.

and then... there’s goro.

goro was never given a choice. not a meaningful, realistic one.

from the age of 15 at the oldest (and might i remind the court, 15 is very much an age of minority, legally speaking, in England (my country), America (probably your country), and Japan (his country)) he was under the direct, explicit control of the most abusive and controlling human being we meet in Persona 5: his father, masayoshi shido.

before then, he was in foster homes, pushed from place to place. he had no way of affording cram school; there was very little chance he would get into high school on his own. IMO, it’s no coincidence that the age he was when he reached out to shido is the same age that he’d be looking to get into high school. in that context, is reaching out to your politician dad for help really that unusual? without a high school diploma, goro’s life would be over. with no family registry to speak of and no education, finding work would be next to impossible. he’d be dooming himself to a life on the streets.

when you’re 14 or 15, and your choice is “ask my scumbag politician dad who disowned me for help” or “live on the streets for the rest of my life”, is that really a choice?

this adult he was now indebted to then asked him to carry out a contract killing. we know that shido has and can just have people killed anyway. he threatens goro on more than one occasion in the game, after he’s already got plenty of blackmail material to hold over him and bring him back in line with. nope, he goes straight for the threats. when they first met, it would have been even easier to make goro disappear.

when you’re 14 or 15, and your choice is “murder someone” or “die”, is that really a choice?

shido coerces through to enforces goro’s every action. shido constantly checks up on goro. he constantly interrogates any sign of dissent in goro. he constantly reminds goro that he’s the only reason goro is where he is; i.e. not dead or on the streets.

the first taste of freedom goro gets is during the casino palace, but even that is short-lived. he knows it’s fake.

but it leads to the first choice goro akechi makes, in the whole game:

to lie to shido about morgana. to tell shido, “no, i’m pretty sure the weird cat is just a cat. don’t even worry about it.”

it seems small. it seems tiny. but it’s the first sign of defiance we see in him. he knows things are getting down to the line and at the end of the day... the phantom thieves are the first people who have treated him with actual kindness in a long time, even if he’d be fairly certain it was fake. shido verbally and financially abuses him; sae regularly belittles him. everyone else is a non-entity in his life. no one else cares.

except... the phantom thieves. his first confidant.

so he lies for them. even if joker doesn’t escape the interrogation room, morgana is still free. goro must know from long-term observation of the phantom thieves that morgana is more than capable of finding more teens with “the potential”.

lying about morgana is not small. it’s HUGE. it’s the first REAL choice goro’s had in years. and he seized it, immediately.

and then, because of the thieves’ ongoing work in shido’s palace, shido begins to catch on that something isn’t right. he begins to doubt goro. he begins to call his work into question. his threats escalate. goro becomes more introspective. eventually he sets up the engine room ambush. he’s desperate there. we all know that, but knowing what he’s up against - take down the phantom thieves for good, or you’ll die. take down the phantom thieves for good, or you’ll die. is that really a choice?

well...

he makes it one.

which leads me, at last, to what i consider the only true overlap between tohru and goro’s characters: this specific, singular quote, from tohru’s Persona 4 Arena Ultimax epilogue.

when tohru first realises his friend isn’t leaving him - the original context of that quote - it’s a positive moment. it’s the beginning of tohru’s rehabilitation. it’s a realisation that even a terrifyingly unrepentant rapist and murderer can still take a step on the journey towards empathy and companionship with his fellow humans. his life begins, in a small way, to turn around.

when souji realises his friends aren’t leaving him... it’s the dramatic climax of the entire game. it’s the moment when all the themes come together and they defeat the big bad.

when goro realises it...

...did you know the most dangerous moment for abuse victims/survivors is the moment when they finally work up the courage to say, “no, that’s enough,” and leave? the moment they make their first free, independent choice, and use it to try and escape?

abusers hate to lose control of their victims. they’d rather their victim be dead.

every action goro takes is controlled and enforced by his abusive father. until... he chooses to aid the phantom thieves, down in the engine room, against shido’s cognition of him.

the only moment in the game where we honestly see goro’s true desires...

he tried to push joker away, but he came back. he tried to cut their bond, but it wouldn’t stay cut.

and because he acknowledges that, and acts in support of joker...

...his father’s cognition murders him.

immediately.

this desire for control over goro is so deeply ingrained in shido that his subconscious acts on it for him. his ideal vision of goro, this unquestioning child assassin who literally has had the light go out of his eyes, shoots his real son. he’d rather his son be dead than be or do anything that doesn’t suit that idealised, perfectly obedient image.

souji seta is, in most people’s eyes/playthroughs, a good person. in the anime, certainly, he’s kind, considerate, and generous both with his time and his money. so it makes sense that when his choices really shine, they shine bright.

tohru adachi is, given he’s a fictional character and not a real person, definitely evil. he’s selfish and mean and hedonistic. he hurts everyone around him for the fun of it, or at least for his own gain. but when he makes a choice to accept the love that his friend is offering him... it’s still a bright spot.

now... whether you think goro akechi is more like souji in that regard, or more like tohru... doesn’t matter. his choices are never given a chance to shine. because his abusive father is standing right over him, ready to stamp him out at the first sign of light.

so...

in summary...

when we compare goro’s story with tohru’s and souji’s, what becomes clearest of all is that goro is an abuse victim. he had no agency at all throughout Persona 5 because as soon as he tried to exercise any in a meaningful way, he was immediately murdered by the exact person who’d been trying to control him the whole time.

for souji, the moment his bonds come together is the moment he reaches his full potential. even for tohru - unrepentant rapist and hedonistic murderer - the moment he acknowledges a genuine, meaningful bond is the moment his life begins to turn around.

for goro - abuse victim, groomed child assassin, desperately lonely... the moment he acknowledges his bond is the moment his life is taken away from him.