#i love that she's aware they COULD have been lesbians but just thinks they weren't because being gay was only invented in 1984

[frogayyyy]

can't believe my grandma just told me about her "old spinster" great aunt who lived all her life with a woman who was her "housekeeper"...........

[pickledpascal]

Long Story Short, It Was a Bad Time

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Castiel

Warnings: transphobia, homophobia, horrible parent john winchester, homophobic language, implied past prostitution, based on 14x13, angst with a happy-ish ending

A/N: in this, dean is trans and visually looks similar to another of jensen's characters, beau arlen.

Word Count: 4.8k

Jensen Ackles Masterlist

Dean Winchester had known he was a boy since he could talk. Hell, before he could talk. 

He wasn't aware he wasn't a boy until after his mother died and every single teacher in every single town they went to called him a girl and separated him into the girls' lines instead of the boys. It got increasingly mind-numbing as he entered his pre-teen years. His first period came around and his dad wasn't sure what to do. Pads were one of the most expensive supplies he had to buy and he never failed to make Dean feel bad about it at every turn. 

“Suck it up, Deanna.” 

“Don't go tellin’ anyone I don't do anything for you, Deanna.” 

“You better clean the garbage out when I get home, Deanna. I don't wanna see that.” 

The name itched him like a bad rash. Made him want to scream. But all he could do was cry. After John was gone and Sammy was asleep. 

His boobs were growing in and everything about his body felt wrong. He was glad he was naturally tall and that he was able to gain more muscle the more John let him go on hunts but it wasn't the same. His shoulders weren't as broad as the other guys in his class, his hips jutted out too much for his liking, and he hated his long hair. 

Dean cut it on his sixteenth birthday and told his father it was under the guise of wanting to be safe. Unpullable hair meant one less thing he had to worry about when it came to monsters. John looked at him suspiciously. He must have known. But he didn't blow up like Dean expected him to. That made the wrenching feeling in his gut twist more. There had to be a catch. 

He came out two weeks after that.

“Thank God.” Dean blinked at the reaction. “I thought I was gonna have a dyke of a daughter. Now, I have another son. You going by another name?” 

Dean wanted to throw up. Somehow, that made everything worse. His father would rather have a son than a lesbian daughter? He didn't want to think about the fact that he still liked boys just not as much as girls. 

He had a few mishaps, he'd look at a few guys as he passed them with John at his side. Dean didn't think too much of it since nothing came of it. Why would John punish him for something as simple as a glance? 

Then his seventeenth birthday came.

Dean's first hunt by himself, specifically curated by his father. He watched the fire in the hole he dug earlier with his hands pushed into the pockets of his jacket. The two bodies were as intertwined as they could be for rotting skeletons. 

The heat was nice. But bittersweet. He was close enough that it could burn him. Dean would've loved to burn to a crisp as well but he had a brother to protect. 

Dean swallowed thickly and gathered up his supplies.

Message heard loud and clear, Dad.

Dean's top surgery was one of the things he remembered the most about his more medical transition. He couldn't get testosterone as much as he wanted to with forged signatures and documents but Bobby offered something else. 

So Dean was laid down on a steel examination table asleep on some anesthetic Bobby was able to get off the black market. Bobby didn't have much experience being a surgeon so it wasn't the best but it was as sterile and safe as it could be. But Dean couldn't have been happier. His chest was flat. That's what he cared about. Even if he had to be at Bobby's for weeks. He was just glad Sam was there too instead of having to leave him alone with John. 

Time passed. Dean leaned hard into his masculinity after John died. A little too hard. 

“You are way out of my brother’s league.”

“Guess how many of these cheerleaders are legal.”

“She's a bitch.”

“Fucking bitch!”

“Bitch!”

Part of it was his frustration with nearly being killed every day of his life, not even by monsters, the other part was the things John beat into him at a young age. If Dean wanted to be a man, he had to be one at John's discretion. He had to like girls but not enough to actually settle down with one. He had to look out for Sam even if that meant he would die. 

So he did. 

Made a deal. Went to hell. 

Except he didn't expect to come back. 

That gas station would forever stay in his mind. He walked for hours to find it. His whole body felt a little different. Jumbled around but he could tell his body was still his. He immediately went for the water bottles and broke the seal, downing it in one go. 

Dean caught a glimpse of a mirror out of the corner of his eye. He walked up to it and licked at his bottom lip, staring at himself. He noticed his sharper jaw decorated with stubble, his hair seemed to be less chopped, his shoulders more broad, and… he had bowlegs? He looked down and then back up. 

Intrigued, he lifted his shirt. His lips dropped open. The scars under his pecs were still there but they were different, no longer botched and scary-looking, but smooth. And his chest. It wasn't completely flat like it was before. His pecs looked more natural, protruding a bit. Like a “real” man. Dean let his shirt drop as he breathed. The handprint on his arm was there too and, for a moment, he knew something cosmic had to be the reason for this, but something inside him felt so happy. Giddy. 

He snuck a peak under his jeans. And, yeah, no he still didn't have a dick but he didn't particularly care about that anyway. One of the only things about his body that didn't matter as much. Well, at least now he felt comfortable in himself even if it came at a price. 

Over and over again. He was reminded of what he “really” was. 

“Daddy's blunt little instrument.”

“Daddy's little girl.” 

Hell, half of it came from himself. As a joke. Not one he particularly wanted to be true.

“I've been re-hymenated.” 

“Ever since I was a little girl.”

“You got anything that’s real?” “My boobs.”

As Dean grew older, he started to shed those kinds of ideals. Not only did it get too heavy to bear but he started not to care anymore. John was dead. Mary was dead. Who did he have to impress? So he didn't mind talking about the fact he didn't have a dick and indulging himself on some things that may be seen as feminine. Like a few satin panties tucked into the bottom of his drawer or the few times he painted his nails—it never lasted long when he went on a hunt. 

Although Dean still thought of his body as a tool, something he could use against their adversaries, it was a little easier to live in when he was in control of what he could do to it. When it was the kind of body he always wanted. So he got more tattoos to cover his body—they were mostly covered by his layers of denim and flannel except for one that creeped onto the side of his neck—his nipples got pierced and he nearly forgot he actually had nerve endings there when it happened, he grew out his hair a bit—not nearly as long as Sam’s but enough that he could style it better—he started wearing earrings and rings again. Not many and usually not during hunts because he had a feeling any monster, or human for that matter, would take advantage of it and tear his ear in half.

Sam and Castiel didn't mention it. Ever. And Dean wasn't sure if he should be grateful for it or not. 

“Why did you…” Dean breathed, glancing up at Castiel. He didn't want to finish the rest of his question. It was right after Mary came back and she had locked herself in some random room in the bunker to process something. 

Dean was no longer her beautiful, young four-year-old daughter Deanna. He was a grown man with shorter hair, a sharp jaw, and stubble. He knew it would be a shock for anyone, especially someone dead for so long but he didn't expect it to reopen a wound he thought had healed years ago. People had only ever thought of Dean as Dean. A man. 

Even the very few women he got with after transitioning still thought of him as a man afterward. 

Castiel’s eyes softened at Dean. He could sense the turmoil inside his head. “I was given liberty to rebuild you in the way I thought would prepare you for Micheal,” He admitted softly. He could see Dean was holding in a breath. “I decided to give you the body you wanted. The one you deserved. I had never seen a soul shine as bright as yours as you looked at my handiwork in that gas station. I knew then, I made the right decision.”

Dean's cheeks flared with blush, averting his gaze to look at anywhere but Castiel. He never quite thought about him being there, watching him admire himself. He knew that was Cas, of course, he did, but to Dean, it wasn't Cas just yet. The Cas he knew was so different from that grinding, high-pitched noise he remembered hearing.

The Cas he knew was safe. His best friend. The closest thing to family he had beside Sam. He was able to be open with Cas in a different way than Sam. 

More and more shit came and went. More and more apocalypses. But Castiel was a constant. Even if he died a few times. Even if he left a few times. He usually came back. Dean wanted him to stay. For good. But even if he was more open with being a transgender guy and liking girls and guys, he still wasn't that open about his feelings. His more complicated feelings. 

“Sam? Deanna?”

That fucking pearl. 

The sight of his father. That's not what Dean wanted. That wasn't his deepest desire. Hell, he didn't even know what his deepest desire was. And that name. He hadn't heard that name in years. Mary caught on quickly that Dean was Dean and that was it. But, of course, his father wouldn't. Even if he liked having Dean as a son more than a daughter. 

That fucking pearl was supposed to get Micheal the fuck out of his head and kill him for good measure. Instead, it brought him the one thing Dean hated more than anything in his life.

On autopilot, Dean locked himself in his room. He nearly fell to his knees but he braced himself on the wall and had half a mind to punch a hole in it. He winced as that banging in his mind got louder. Micheal screamed. Dean slid down the wall and pushed his hands into his hair. His breathing was harbored and he felt suffocated as if something was weighing down his chest.i

Why did that pearl do that? Dean was happy without him. As happy as he could be with an archangel in his head and tonnes of baggage. 

A soft knock brought Dean back to reality. Cas. He pushed himself off the ground and opened the door. 

“Sam told me about your father,” His tone was deathly serious. Dean hadn't heard Castiel sound like that in a while. He was grateful for it. “Would you like me to smite him?”

Dean swallowed. The offer was tempting. “Jesus, Cas, no. I—” Want him gone. Dead. Obliterated. Erased from his memories. Back in Hell. Gone from Heaven. Tortured to be forgotten. “I need you. Here. With me.” His shoulders slumped after the admission. 

“Of course, Dean. Whatever you need.” Castiel's voice softened as his eyes did as well. It was so truthful, said with such fondness Dean nearly cried. 

Dean sat at the end of his bed and motioned for Castiel to do the same. The angel obliged. He knew there was this thing between them. Obvious enough Sam started to call him out on it, never in front of Cas to save him from the embarrassment, but it was always on his mind when they were alone together. He wasn't sure what to do with it. All his feelings. Everything was so complex. Yet simple. It was a strange dichotomy. One he wasn't sure he wanted to admit out loud. 

But the fact that Castiel had only ever seen Dean as a man helped. Drove it into his thick skull what this thing was. Love. Castiel spoke to him so reverently. Spoke his name like a prayer. One Dean desperately wanted to hear over and over again. 

“Hello, Dean.” 

“Of course, Dean.” 

“Good things do happen, Dean.”

“This is a good thing, Dean.”

“He called me Deanna,” Dean admitted softly, eyes focused on his boots. He was naturally tall, even before resurrected by Cas, but the boots gave him an extra inch or so to not look as small next to Sam. He could feel how tense Castiel was after his words. “It's… funny,” He let out a dry laugh, “For years, I've been fine. Been good in that area. But that's just—” Dean took a sharp breath. “People see me as a guy now. At least, they do until they get in my pants. But Dad—John, I fucking look like this,” He gestured to himself, “And he calls me Deanna? Fuck me.” He scoffed. 

For a second, he had a feeling John only humored him when he was younger. Called him Dean, got him a binder before his surgery, just because it was easier. If Dean became a man then he wouldn't look as much like Mary anymore and then maybe he wouldn't see her in his eyes or his face. 

But John still did. This was proof of that. 

“Your father, for lack of a better term, is a bitch.” Castiel said shamelessly. “You are so much more than a man born in the wrong body. It's a shame your father is too blind to see that.”

Dean's breath caught in his throat. And then he laughed. Hard. Hard enough his lungs started hurting and he had to gasp for air. Hard enough that tears started to form at the edges of his eyes and a few even rolled down his cheeks. He didn't register his hand on Castiel's thigh until he set his hand on top of it. 

Dean pulled it away. Or tried. Castiel held it in place. “Your soul…” He murmured. “It shines so bright when you laugh.” 

His voice. So soft and reassuring. Dean screwed his eyes shut. He couldn't help the fluttering in his chest. For the first time in a while, Micheal was silent. It was just him and Cas in the middle of his bed. Safe. Outside his room might be different. 

Dean's eyes lifted to meet Castiel's. They were a brilliant shade of blue he couldn't quite place. Nothing matched it. Sure, he could compare them to the ocean or perhaps the sky but even those didn't come close. Without thinking too hard, Dean let himself go. 

His free hand pulled Castiel close as he brought their lips together. The surprised noise the angel made was cute and Dean could feel him melting into the kiss. Castiel's lips were chapped, Dean chalked it up to him not caring for his vessel much, but everything felt so right. Their fingers intertwined while Cas threaded his free hand through Dean's hair. 

A cough. And suddenly Dean and Cas jumped away from each other. It was Sam. Dean took a breath, thankful that it was Sam and not John. Sam smirked as his eyes flickered between the two men but it was quickly wiped off his face. “Mom and Dad… they want to have dinner together.” He explained, focusing on Dean. 

There was still a lot Dean didn't tell Mary about John. About their life before the Men of Letters bunker. What Dean did to survive, to make sure Sam could live as comfortably as possible, to put food on the table and get a bed to sleep on, even while John was still alive. Bathrooms in gas stations on his knees, in the back of bars, dingy motel rooms. 

John never asked where the money came from, he took it anyway. 

If Mary knew, Dean knew she would look at John in a different light. A part of him didn't want to tarnish that for her. Even though it took some adjusting, she had accepted Dean wholeheartedly. Hell, she only messed up on his pronouns a few times, that was a lot better than when Sam first found out. 

“Dean, do you want…?” Sam didn't finish his sentence. He didn't know the full extent of what John did to him but he knew Dean intentionally took the brunt of the abuse for Sam. And he could never take that back. “He's asking about you. Saying you—you finally look like a man. Wondered what kind of work you had done. Thinks you're…” Sam wasn't trying to guilt trip Dean, quite the opposite. “Thinks you get a lot of girls. Asked if you had a wife or something. Asked if you,” He coughed, “Got a dick yet.” 

Dean’s fist clenched as his face contorted into disgust. Out of the corner of his eye, he could feel Castiel getting frustrated as well. 

Screwing his eyes shut, Michael crept up in his mind again. The screams. The banging. It came back tenfold. “What does he even want? For us to be fucking normal?” Dean huffed.

“Yeah,” Sam said simply. “Dad… he's from 2003. That's what he does best. Act normal when nothing is.” He smiled sadly. 

Dean stood up from the bed and rolled up the sleeves to his flannel shirt. He wouldn't—couldn’t—let his father undo everything he had ever built in the last fourteen years of his life. The small little family he made. Sam, him, Mary, Cas, Jack, and Claire. That was his family. Not John. 

Castiel looked at Dean, concerned. “Are you sure, Dean?” He could see that little boy inside him, still scared of what his father could do to him. But he could also see the grown man he came to be, unafraid of his father because he could likely overpower him now. 

Before he could think about it too hard, Dean nodded. “C'mon, sunshine. I'm not letting him fuck with my head again.” His leg bounced slightly. Not from nerves. 

Dean, Sam, and Cas made their way into the war room where John and Mary sat at the map table. John’s head lifted to look at Dean. Fully look at him. Take in his new appearance. When he appeared, Dean didn't stay long enough for John to get a good look at what he had become. The last time he'd seen Dean, he was twenty-five, wore too big clothes, had a skinner frame, and his hair was short and was never styled. This Dean… was not that.

He grew into his height, broad shoulders, visible muscles under his flannel—John would have never guessed Dean was born a girl. That he was his daughter. 

“Deanna.” John breathed. 

“Dean.” The man corrected. “You're… here.” He wished he wasn't. 

John’s eyes narrowed momentarily. Normally, he would've slapped him for something like that but he wasn't stupid. This Dean had a few pounds on him. “I am. Sam and your mom caught me up on everything that went down,” His eyes shifted to land on Castiel. “That the angel that pulled you out of Hell?” 

“Hello, John.” Castiel greeted, void of any emotion. Dean glanced at him. He knew the angel inside and out and he knew Castiel was getting increasingly annoyed simply being in John's presence. 

Mary sensed the tension between them and coughed. “I was thinking we could have Winchester Surprise?” She suggested softly—ever the peacemaker. 

Dean cocked an eyebrow at his mother. He knew Mary was desperate to have John, they didn't have much time together and she was still very much in love, but no one else wanted him there. Dean didn't and neither did Sam and Castiel was so close to stomping John into a curb. 

“I'm not sure that's a good idea, Mom.” Dean finally said. As much as he wanted to protect her from the real John, the one who was hiding behind a loving façade, he had to break the news to her. There must always come a time when the veil gets taken away from someone’s eyes, showing them the truth.

John tilted his head and Dean couldn't help but feel it was condescending. “Why not? We're all family here. We can be normal for a night,” He stared at Dean a little too hard. “As normal as we can be.”

“We were never normal,” Dean ground out. It took all his self-control not to just yell at him. Mary looked at Dean worriedly. She'd seen Dean mad, specifically at her, but nothing like this. His shoulders were tense and his nose was drawn into a snarl. 

“You–You don't get it. Never will. You suck for a father. I had to raise Sam myself. You'd fuck off to who knows where drunk half the time and make me, a four-year-old watch over a fucking baby. And you liked me better as a son than a girl who liked girls? What the fuck?” Yeah. Fuck that self-control. Dean’s jaw set in place. “Guess fucking what dad? I like girls and boys. And I could care fucking less what you think of—”

Dean's jaw throbbed. Surprise shivered down his spine. John flexed his hand as he stared down at Dean as he cupped his face.

“John!” Mary yelled.

Castiel nearly jumped John before Dean did. With a single right hook, John was out cold on the floor. He flapped his hand afterward, feeling the soreness immediately. It had been a while since Dean had to punch someone, usually, he had a gun or knife when fighting, he was a little surprised at how effective it was. 

“Dean!” Mary huffed as she went to John's side.

Dean bit the inside of his cheek. He decided he might as well come out with it. “Fuck him, Mom. He was never my father. He never tried to be. I was the only person who watched over Sam. A tool in his life while he was dead-set on revenge. We could have been normal. If he never went on a rampage.” He looked down at the pitiful heap that was his father with disgust. He glanced at Castiel over his shoulder. 

Mary shook her head, trying to reason with Dean. “We're a family. We don't give up on family.” She whispered. 

“Sometimes you do,” Dean huffed softly. As much as he and Sam fought, as many times as they took turns dying, it never got so bad that Dean thought he hated him. At least, not for more than a day or so. “I'm good with who I am. Dad isn't. I don't want him in my life. I don't think I ever had but… this is my life now. I get to live it. Meaning I get to choose who's in it,” He swallowed thickly, knowing what he was about to admit. “In ten years time, it's not with him. Never was.” 

“Dean, you don't mean that.” Mary sighed. Pleading. She wanted to keep John, make up for lost time.

Sam took a step forward. “Mom, you don't get it either. The shit John put Dean through—put both of us through—no kid should have to go through that.”

Mary huffed, “Then tell me. You can't just expect me to know.” 

Castiel stared at her. “Your sons don't have to say anything they are uncomfortable admitting.” He said it as if he was stating the weather forecast. 

Dean pursed his lips. Hurt. He knew Mary wouldn't understand but he didn't quite expect this. He turned on his heels and made his way back into his room. 

Eventually, everything was as it was. John was sent back after Sam destroyed the pearl and Dean could breathe a little more comfortably afterward. Mary shut herself off from them but he had a feeling that would get resolved as much as the gut-wrenching feeling in his stomach told him it wouldn't. He never wanted to see or think about John ever again. Hadn't wanted to for years after the shit he's gone through. 

Dean heard a knock on his door after he got ready for bed. Hell, he was halfway underneath the covers when it happened. He grumbled under his breath, not thinking to put on a shirt or a pair of pants as he opened the door.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said softly. As soft as each time before. Dean was suddenly very aware of how bare he was. “Do not be alarmed, it's nothing I haven't seen before.” The angel stepped inside his room, closing the door behind him. 

Castiel's words did nothing to ease Dean's beating heart. It felt like a hammer against his chest, wanting to tear itself out of him. 

Castiel’s eyes never wavered from his face, studying it as if it were a work of art. He lifted a hand to Dean's cheek. Dean felt as if the air was punched out of him. “I want to know if you're okay, Dean.” Those blue eyes—they never looked at him in pity, never. They looked at him with wonder and understanding. 

Dean didn't register the single tear that rolled down his cheek until Castiel's thumb wiped it away. “Not really, Cas.” He breathed. Admitting it didn't feel as bad as he thought it would. 

“Why—” Castiel took a breath, saddened by how destroyed Dean's eyes looked. “Why do you think the pearl… gave you John?” He asked softly as he and Dean sat on his bed. 

Dean glanced at the corner of his room, lip trembling with a mix of rage and sadness. “Maybe the pearl thought I wanted a Dad. Someone who could love me unconditionally. But I—” He paused sharply, eyes finding Castiel's all over again. He wanted to memorize his eyes as if it were the first time he saw them. Or the last. “I have you.” He breathed. For the first time, Dean hadn't been compelled to add Sam at the end of his sentence. 

“You do,” Castiel smiled. And, god, Dean's heart wrenched at the sight. Cas didn't smile, not often. “You always have.” 

Dean let out a shaky breath, leaning into Castiel's hand as it caressed his cheek. He sniffled slightly. “Cas, please…. Please promise me you'll stay. Even—Even if I push you away. You,” He was full-on crying now and Castiel was looking at him as if he was the most beautiful thing in the world. “You'll stay. No matter what.”

“I will.” Castiel whispered light as a feather. Two simple words but it was a promise that meant so much to Dean. 

It was a promise Castiel never intended to break. Why would he? Especially when Dean seemed so desperate. So distraught. He could never leave Dean. Not again. 

“Kiss me.” Dean whispered. Pleaded. He wanted to memorize everything about Cas. The strange body heat he gave off, the tilt of his head, how his lips pressed into a thin line when he was only minorly frustrated by Dean, the roughness of his stubble. Everything. 

For the first time, Dean saw a smirk grace Castiel's lips. “Whatever you want, Dean.” He brought their lips together with a sigh. 

They kissed for a while, pausing for breath in between kisses but they didn't go past that, ending up with Castiel in bed with Dean after he shed his trenchcoat, shoes, and tie. Dean dozed off, peaceful enough to fall asleep in Castiel's arms. 

Even with a fading grace, Castiel didn't sleep much. His body ran well enough on it that sleep wasn't needed. So he stayed up, playing with the hairs on Dean's neck as he watched over him, soothing him as much as possible when he sensed a nightmare coming on. 

“You think you're cursed sometimes Dean,” Castiel cooed on deaf ears but he didn't mind. He had to get it out. “That hate is the only thing that drives you. That you're not built for love. But you are. I think, sometimes—no, I know—that’s all you're made up of. And I–I promise we will find a better way,” Cas lifted his hand to Dean's shoulder, positioning it right above his scar. The scar he burned on his skin. “I love you, Dean.” He whispered into his ear.

For the rest of that night, Dean didn't have nightmares. For the rest of that night, he burrowed himself closer to Castiel. For the rest of that night, Michael was quiet.

[te3mo]

alright now that ive settled back into the land of tumblr as i eagerly search for more father paul content id like to drop my thoughts that i had written down as i finished the finale because oh👏🏻my👏🏻god👏🏻

the entire show was brilliant, but im specifically discussing pruitt here bc im a hopeless romantic and his interpersonal tragedy moved me the most.

spoilers duh

The revelation that this entire mess erupted only from a lifelong desire to somehow reunite with Millie and Sarah was agonizing to me. The God fearing priest feared death above all.

I've been on Reddit and watching reaction videos on YouTube and nobody seems to be touching on Pruitt and Millie the way I wished they would. I know we didn't get much content regarding their story in the show - only the brief reconnection under tragic circumstances in the finale - and I do wish I knew more, had more detail, but I think the fact it was left so fleeting and vague made it all that more sombering in the end. In so little time, it was shown how deeply he adored her; always had, always would. Of course there are several brief moments throughout the entire series that indicate such, but we can't truly put all the pieces together until the end.

Mildred immediately recognizing him despite her limited coherency due to her advanced dementia. The way he tears up simply sitting beside her for her first in-home communion and gently adjusts her blanket.

The way he interacts with Sarah whenever he sees her - staring at her from a distance, which Sarah comments he has done her entire life and assumes it was with judgment and perception that she is a sinner, since she is a lesbian. But no, it was always the opposite. He gazed from a distance out love and a yearning to be by her side raising her - and at the Crock Pot Luck now, he gazes as he always had but this time with the desperate hope that he will get a second chance.

He tells Sarah he's proud of her when any opportunity arises. Proud of her for caring for the community - she isn't "just doing her job," she is simply a wonderful human being. Proud of her again, he says, when she douses the church in gasoline. His flesh and blood he has admired from her birth despite not being the one to care for her and watch her grow from the perspective of an active father - he is so proud of her. He was always so proud of her. No matter what she did, he was proud of her.

Millie begins to regress in age, and Sarah continuously tests her cognition - is her mother really "here" now? How aware is she, truly? And when she asks her what her father's name is, Mildred hesitates. She is clearly coherent at this time, she so quickly confirmed that her childhood chores were the dishes and her rebellious youth was for boys and booze, but when Sarah asks what her father's name was, she hesitates. Sarah has to press for the answer - although it is a brief hesitation, it is a hesitation nonetheless.

When Pruitt returns for her in-home communion and meets her upstairs this time, there is something to be said even just in his body language as he leans casually against the door threshold, smiles at her with such warmth, saying that Sarah informed him she was feeling better. Followed by the way Millie shakily says his name in disbelief and then the way they hold hands while he ecstatically exclaims he has so much to tell her. He sounds like a giddy child with so much fun news to share; I interpret his thoughts as something akin to "I've lived such a long life wishing you could have been by my side, but let me tell you all about it since you weren't."

The finale. My God, the finale. Their conversation as they sit alone in the church now burdened with blood. "It was you," he said. The only thing he ever wanted was her, but she never asked him to take off the collar. She never would have - she clarified this. Everything he ever did, this entire disaster, was all because of her. He wanted a second chance; he wanted a true miracle. A true miracle, to him, was the ability to be together with Mildred again and love their daughter together. His commentary that Mildred was never a sin, never a mistake. That Sarah was never a sin, never a mistake. That he would have done anything for his Millie; he would have gone anywhere in the world with her.

Sarah's death. Hamish's acting is just *chef's kiss* in every damn episode, mostly through how passionately he expresses himself. Constantly. Every episode. But the sheer horror on his face at the sudden sound of a gunshot from behind him and Sarah immediately being struck down, and his impulse is to chase Sturge down and tackle him and kill him. There was no thought process to this - this was an act of pure impulse stemming from turmoil. It was an act to protect his daughter - IMMEDIATELTY eradicate the threat to her (though she is obviously already mortally wounded). Mildred runs in, crying for her baby girl, and Pruitt desperately tries to force his blood into her mouth as a last ditch effort to "save" her, but even in death Sarah does not want this. This is not resurrection, this is a curse, and so she rejects it and dies. She dies while, for the first time in her life, seeing both her mother and father right over her. Together.

The way Pruitt carries his daughter out of the church in silence. Mildred stays behind briefly only to ignite the church, which Sarah had already flooded with gasoline. And then they walk together and sit on the bridge, which Millie had explained was Sarah's favorite spot as a little girl.

While Pruitt caresses the face of the daughter he so dearly wanted to openly love and cherish, he rips off his clerical collar. He tosses it away without care. Mildred never asked him to take it off and never would have, and on his own accord, he finally does. His daughter is dead, and the rest of them will all be dead soon, too. The prayers for his miracle went unanswered. He will not get his second chance.

And as the sun rises and the island burns, he asks not God for forgiveness, but Mildred.

I loved every aspect of this show. I have no complaints. I imagine I will rewatch this multiple times. It has been a while since I've been so emotionally impacted by a piece of media. I loved the dynamic between Riley and Erin, I loved Leeza forgiving Joe Collie, I sobbed during Riley's sacrifice and I loved Sarah's character long before suspecting the dynamic between her and Pruitt. I loved every symbol in the entire series.

But above all, I loved the love Pruitt had for Mildred.

Anyways pls do follow me if you're as obsessed as I am, I haven't been active on here in years but Tumblr has always been great for fangirling and this seems like a great time to write fanfiction again.

[elliespuns]

What I love about Ellie's 'queerness' in TLOU 1 is how subtly it was portrayed in the story. That's one of the reasons why I used quotes for the word queerness right there.

What I think is that up until Ellie was like 16 or 17 years old, she wasn't even aware that she was full-on gay, at least not till she started crushing on Dina and then later dating Cat. Which only takes me back to my point about how perfectly and subtly it was added to the story of the first game.

None of us had the slightest idea when we played The Last of Us in 2013 that Ellie might be gay. Let's be honest. Ellie's only mention of her best friend at the end of the game was nothing to take from. No one could know. At least not before Left Behind came out (and even then, it wasn't just thrown into our faces).

I love that the creators weren't pushing her sexuality onto us. Ellie being attracted to her girl best friend just somehow existed in her world, and no one needed to know. We never heard her say anything about it. We never saw her fighting her feelings either, because the way she felt was always somehow natural for her.

I don't even think 14-year-old Ellie, who saw the world through a 10-year-old's eyes, ever wasted her time thinking about it as deeply either. Riley has always been the closest thing Ellie had to love, comfort, support, and being there for her. When she started having mixed feelings towards her, she just went with it without even questioning it. You would expect a 13–14-year-old to have doubts or questions about it. Ellie was just content with it.

I honestly think (and this might be an unpopular opinion; don't get triggered) that even if Riley was a guy and they'd still be this close, Ellie would still fall for her anyway, no matter her best friend's sex. Growing up at a military school and being surrounded by men who have been trying to 'train' you to fight so you could be useful to them later with no one to show you comfort just sorts of affects you. So recognizing love and affection in someone at this age, you wouldn't really care about their sex or what attracts you physically. It just happens for you.

In the 2nd game, there's no doubt Ellie already knows about herself that she's a mad, raging lesbian, lol, but yanno, more likely she didn't care that much when she was a kid, that's all I am saying.

I simply love how they made Ellie's character realistic and so believable in how they portrayed it. It only made me love Ellie even more.

[photo: vipo777]

[yandere-fics]

Darlene Roberts

♡ "Hey! I really appreciate you coming by to study. Just ignore my dorm mates, I don't know why they said that, although I do agree, we would make a pretty cute couple." ♡

She's the type of yandere to pull the strings behind the scenes. She'll wait until it's the perfect moment to pounce. She'll tell everyone around you about how much she loves you, convincing everyone that she's just so sad that she can't work up the courage to approach you and tell her your feelings. She'll wait until for months everyone has been telling you how you and Darla would be a perfect couple and once your resolve is low, she'll pounce. She'll make you feel too bad for this cute college girl to ever even consider leaving her. She'll even have her sisters do the dirty work for her, which they're all too happy to do, after all their baby sister rarely asks for anything.

♡ "It's Darlene Roberts, hmm? Oh me and my sisters have a different surname? I never paid much attention to those things." ♡

She is the product of an affair her mother had with a different man, they couldn't exactly hide her since everyone was aware the mother was pregnant so they pretended she was both of theirs for 18 years before they paid her to get the hell out and pretend that she was never related to them. She didn't receive much love as a child as a product of the affair and while her sisters adore her, they weren't allowed to spend as much time with the sinner child. She have her mother's maiden name since they always intended to send her away at 18.

♡ "I'm 20, I know I'm kind of the baby. Please don't tease me about it." ♡

She loves being the youngest of the sisters who have left the family, it pretty much gets her anything she wants. Especially you, it's so easy to push on your boundaries with how cute and unfamiliar with the world outside her family she is.

♡ "I like women... uhm why are you asking? You're not interested in me, are you?" ♡

Lesbian.

♡ "Uhm I don't have a job currently, I'm just focused on my schooling, but if you need anything then I'm sure I can ask my sisters, I'm sure it's fine. We could even get front row seats to a concert if you wanted to go with me. Please?" ♡

She's already ordering the tickets. You'll owe her after this date and maybe then she can break down into tears if you tell her that you aren't interested in her. What do you mean? Are you just taking advantage of her money? If you aren't then surely you should also love her. She'll ask her sisters for money any time she needs to get you a gift. Her goal is to become a professor of english literature though so eventually she'll make a decent amount for the both of you.

♡ "I love my sisters, and I love you! Hmm? Oh no, don't worry I didn't mean it in that way. I know you don't like me, yet. Uhm anyways I also really like to shop if you'd like to come with me this weekend. We should hold hands in the mall. Just so we don't get lost! Who cares if people think we're on a date, it doesn't bother me." ♡

Much like her sisters, she loves the idea of having a domestic life, but her idea of a domestic life is less twisted than her sisters at least. She just wants everyone to know that you two are madly in love, she isn't too bothered if you go out into town. Though if anyone gets too close to you then she'll have to tell her sisters about it, just to make sure no one is bothering you when you go into town.

♡ "I don't really like my parents. Other than that I don't hate many things. There's just so many nice things to focus on, plus I'm almost always with you and I'm always happy when I'm with you so I can't think of anything." ♡

She gets angry when you don't fall for her guilting. She really doesn't want to have to use the tactics that her sisters use but she will if you won't make things easy. Why can't you understand, EVERYONE else knows that you'd be perfect together, you're the only one who can't see how you two are destined for each other. Why are you so strict on her, she's pushing your boundaries for your own good! Just fucking listen to her!

♡ "There are probably more things I'm bad at than things I'm good at, sorry my sisters coddle me just a bit. I'm not very good at kissing, we could practice together if you want? Please? Come on, it'll be fun." ♡

She's pretty good at spreading gossip considering everyone in town thinks you two are dating no matter how hard you deny it. If you keep denying then everyone is going to think you're a jerk trying to ignore your girlfriend. Don't be a dick.

♡ "Can I come back to your place tonight? I don't like sleeping alone, please let me stay over." ♡

[yellowjacketslesbian]

hi jo! i saw someone shit on the idea of van as a nonbinary butch today and as one myself it made me upset. I love your fics and how you write van so I was wondering if you had any headcanons about van being gnc / nonbinary?

hey! first off, I'm really sorry you saw someone reacting negatively to the idea of nonbinary butch Van. I know it can be really frustrating and upsetting to see someone getting offended at the idea of a fictional character possibly having a similar identity as you. it's like "what's wrong with my identity that makes you deny this character I love and relate to could also be a nonbinary butch lesbian?" (spoiler alert: nothing is wrong with being a nonbinary butch lesbian, some people are just very loud and very wrong)

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! it truly means a lot to know that people like what I write. I'm especially glad that the fics I've written dealing with Van's gender have been well received, and that people could feel seen by them!

I could write multiple essays on Van's gender and why I personally believe they're nonbinary (and why they're already canonically butch), but I'll confine this to just my top nonbinary Van hcs lol

if they had lost states and never gotten on the plane, Van would've gotten a scholarship to NYU and double majored in film and women's & gender studies. They would've become aware of Gender Trouble and Stone Butch Blues through their major, and they also would've met more gnc people in NYC. This would've led to their realization that there are other people like them who share similar experiences. I personally think it would've taken them a year or two to talk to Taissa about it because they didn't want to "burden her with it" (typical Van), but Tai would've been really accepting and went out of her way to read about gender identity and try really hard to understand Van's experiences once they told her. I don't think Van would've been out as nonbinary to anyone besides Tai and close friends until like the early 00s though.

in "canon" where the crash happens, I think it would've taken Van a lot longer to realize they even could be nonbinary. like they had so much trauma to work through, and just surviving was probably a struggle for them. I can really see them spending at least a decade just ignoring any dysphoria they had. they probably also didn't have the same exposure to information about being nonbinary back in the late 90s / early 00s, especially if they weren't living in a very queer area or around academia. I think one of the queer college kids who helped out around their store eventually came out to them as nonbinary in the late 00s. then Van researched being nonbinary so they could be there for them, and that's how Van finally realized they're actually nonbinary.

I think Van would've spent some time exploring what pronouns felt right for them after realizing they're nonbinary, but they would eventually use they/them or they/she by the present day.

I think Van had top surgery in the late 00s in the no crash universe and in the mid-2010s in the "canon" universe

I think that Van's dysphoria is mostly social dysphoria, but I do think they have top dysphoria. I personally read Van's boob jokes in S1 as using humor to deflect from some dysphoria they may have been experiencing at the time. (as a nonbinary lesbian, it reminded me a lot of how I personally dealt with my own dysphoria when I was about Van's age and hadn't yet realized it was dysphoria)

Lastly

important note: all of this is purely my own hcs and opinions, and I am not claiming to know what they will or won't explore canonically on the show. that being said, I am a nonbinary butch lesbian and personally see a lot of myself and my own experiences in Van, and many other nonbinary lesbians also see themselves in Van. we all have every right to hc Van as nonbinary. if you don't like it, you can politely fuck off

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

I asked in a poll recently when you thought Jim and Yam started dating, and the majority thought around season 3. I think so, too.

And after growing up with all of these dcla "su historia" videos (Leonetta su historia my beloved) I am... not gonna make a video for Jam because I am very lazy (but I hope to one day make a crack-like video with just moments from them, or just an SL "gay moments" in general). But what I am gonna do is a bit of a ~three part analysis~ where each part covers one season. Why? Because I feel like it.

Remember though, that this is my personal takes. I know very well there's other takes on the characters out there... and my takes may not always match with your takes. Especially if you're a canon Jim and Yam shipper - I am, as stated by the obvious, not. I will go from non-canon takes, which means I'll read in the scenes in the "subtext" and not particularly always how "canon meant it". This does not mean I am "not aware" how the scenes were "supposed" to be interpreted - I am just simply interpreting them the way that personally fits with my headcanons. But even if you're a Jam truther, some takes you still might not agree with, idk. Again, we all have different takes on the characters. I know I don't have to explain this, but just in case ;)

So, without further ado, it is time for part 1:

The Love Story of Jim and Yam

Part 1: Comphet, friendship songs and unknowing crushes

We start off in episode 2, where we are first introduced to the girls. They have seemingly spent much of their summer vacation together. Wakeboarding, surfing, done a lot of water activities in general for some reason (help did they go to Cielo Grande over the summer or?? /j). It's implied that they at least have spent a lot of time together, possibly been seeing each other almost every day. So even if they were close before, they have really gotten close now.

We find out that they have a sort of odd beef with Ramiro. Whatever went down with them before the show, we can only speculate. My own headcanon is that they got to know him in middle school - Ramiro himself always wanted to be cool and thought that he could impress the girls who were a year younger than him. They instead just got mad at him and found him annoying, which only encouraged him to continue. When he graduated from middle school, they felt relief, they weren't gonna see him again. But then they started Blake and, oops, he's a student there too! And then they went to check out Jam and Roller - oopsie, he's there too! He's everywhere, they can't escape him! So, well, they started this unwritten competition against him to always be better, and Ramiro enjoyed the heck out of it.

Now, the girls have always heard that "love always starts with bickering" and people have joked that "oh, but you must actually love Ramiro, I bet you even have crushes on him", "no, I think he likes you, that's why he's acting like that" - you know, stuff people often say when a boy and a girl are arguing. Hearing people say that, it took a toll especially on Yam. She did not want to even hear that Ramiro could possibly like her. The thought made her very uncomfortable and made her have a harsher approach if he even hinted at liking her.

That is not the look of "omg he likes me? <3" it's the look of "please don't say you're in love with me, stop being that preferably yesterday". She has always been quite honest with her feelings, saying what she thinks even if it sounds a bit harsh, and she wants to make it as clear as possible to Ramiro that she does not like him like that.

Yam has always known that she is a lesbian, or have at the very least discovered it quite recently about herself. But at this point in the show, it's not that she refuses to acknowledge it, it's more that she is stuck in the heteronormative society that is Disney Channel Writing her group of friends. This also makes her doubt herself at times - "what if i'm not a lesbian and just fooling myself?" - which is something we'll get into. One thing she does feel though, is that Jim is a lesbian too. Yam has, in my headcanon and opinion, the best gaydar out of everyone. She knows that a lot of her friends aren't straight, but they have not come to terms with it yet. She also can figure out if someone is not queer. A joking example I did was this. She can't say it to them, they have to discover it on their own, but she is happy to help them on the way. Especially help Jim on the way.

As we've established, Yam does not just see Jim as her best friend, but she's also very much in love with her. But I don't think she just knows it right away, as you might expect her to. She just... gradually gets there. I do think that during the summer vacation before the show, a small crush started to sparkle inside of her, but she did not think as much about it at the time. Then, as the school year started, she started realizing it more and more.

The first hint of this I would say when Yam found out Jim was skating with Nico. She acted like Jim had gone behind her back and she appeared quite... jealous over it. I cannot interpret this in any other way than Yam wanting to skate with Jim herself. I don't know if it was a rule they had to skate boy-girl in that competition, but I did watch those eps not TOO long ago, and I really do not recall that was a rule. If it was... I am sorry that I will get the info all wrong now. But nonetheless, the way she acts just feels like the most logical explanation would be that she wanted to skate with Jim herself.

The way she instantly gets jealous when Jim expresses interest in Nico or Ramiro (especially Ramiro). Of course, this is also a mix of her not understanding what people see in the "annoying boy Ramiro", and her just wanting Jim to realize she's a lesbian without telling her she's a lesbian directly... but I also think Yam wants Jim to think of her like that.

But, Yam also just wants the best for Jim. So, after a while, she decides to help her out on these boy adventures, no matter how silly she thinks they are. She sees it as a bit of an experiment - even if she's fairly sure she's a lesbian, with all of the heteronormative shit around her, she's at times doubting. Also, "she's never been with a boy so maybe try it out?" (we'll get more of this later). But the flirting ways are very much not from experience but rather what Yam (and Jim) thinks boys like. And they are very picky with them too. Hmm...

Off topic but Yam said this in a scene while they were discussing romance while wiggling her eyebrows after every other word. I just needed to say this because I don't know where to put it otherwise.

I think when Yam fully realizes her crush on Jim is here:

She got so excited over Jim she hugged Ramiro. And this part after really makes me convinced she just realized her feelings.

"Oh, wait... okay... let's deal with this later."

Yam continues to also be quite uncomfortable when boys are romantic towards her during the season. To not waste too many pics due to tumblr's picture limit, here is another moment of her gay panicking. Also this moment. If she didn't like boys before she certainly does not now.

Now, Jim... sweet Jim. Jimmygirl is in a deep field of comphet. She just has not come to the terms that she even could be a lesbian - she just knows that she wants a relationship. She wants to feel "normal". The only thing is that she sort of... is picking boys to be in love with instead of actually being in love with them.

This full scene is essentially a case of Yam trying to make sense of Jim's comphet behavior btw. Anyway - Jim here thinks Yam should be in love with someone, so "why not just pick Nico?", as if, you know, you can just pick whoever you like.

Also... just this little part here:

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Anyway, Jim's comphet really shines through with Nico. You could think it's just a "young girl crushing on an older boy and being nervous about it", but... to me, there's something more. Especially when Jim, immediately after she officially starts dating Nico, says this:

The show never really explicitly says what this weird feeling means. But considering events in S2, which I'll get to when we come there, I'd say this is the first step of Jim realizing that dating men is just not really her thing... though, she has a long way to go. Right now, she's still in the moment of wanting a boyfriend, liking the idea of a boyfriend, so she still does things that would get his attention (like having a fake boyfriend at Ámbar's party, etc)

Also, Jim is just as obsessed with Yam as Yam is of her. One example of this is when Yam was mad at her ONE (1) time.

It's literally to the point where she won't move until Yam talks to her. She cannot handle Yam being mad at her.

And do we even have to discuss what Yam did when Jim was mad at her? That is one scene I know we have discussed a LOT. Girl was serenading her a LOVE SONG. Also, Yam's face when Tamara gal pals them is hilarious.

The girls, besides being obessed with each other, are absolutely in love with Felicity. Especially Jim. Like, Jim is... she just needs to hear Felicity's name and she comes dashing like a bullet. Also, this is her face when she saw Felicity perform:

Same, Ramiro.

Speaking of Ramiro! How is Yamiro going in to all of this? "If Yam is such a lesbian, why does she date Ramiro?" You could actually argue that the girls may be bi/pan. I have a lot of characters I headcanon as bi/pan, but Yam is not one of them for me.

As mentioned, the comphet around her makes her, too, fall victim of it. And she has been hearing for so long that "but Ramiro likes you", "Come on, admit you do like him a little!", "Just give him a chance, ok?". And Yam has fought and fought all season, and eventually... she feels, alright, let's get over my stubbornness... and she realized Ramiro is actually an ok guy when he wants to be. And people more or less push her to pursue a relationship with him. However... as soon as they start dating, she argues with him constantly. There is not a single scene I recall where they didn't bicker about something during their S1 dating period. Yam, like Jim, feels like something is off, but she feels it much stronger. She realizes, what she wants is just to be friends with Ramiro, not more. She doesn't like him that way. She doesn't like boys that way - who is she fooling? And it's almost like she waits for an opportunity to break up with him, which comes at the end of the season when he and Jim is about to leave Jam and Roller. When they come back, Yam is SO happy for Jim and forgives her immediately.

But with Ramiro...

Ramiro is confused and he wonders why they can't be back together. And in that scene, it really feels like Yam is trying to come out to him and he just does not get it. It's a long scene, so I just link it here.

Yam is just very unsure about dating Ramiro. If you're wondering why she went back to him at the end of season 2? Well, I'll talk about that when I get there, but it's a bit of a relapse and kind of, again, people pushing her towards him (I just gotta say, people do argue a lot about who pushed who to date who, but I personally feel like Yam got pushed a lot to date Ramiro. Which is something that will play into her behavior towards him in season 3).

Another thing - Jim and Yam really look up to Mora. We're much in agreement that Mora is a lesbian and dating Ana, that's just a fact. I think that she was someone Yam especially felt a kind of a kinship with. Mora understood her, she helped her with her designs, she was an adult who just got her. Mora was kind of a gay mentor for her. For both of the girls. She also made them realize that you don't have to live with a man and get children in a normative life. There's other ways to live your life. I think she was what they needed, much more than just a designer to look up to.

So where does Jim and Yam at the end of the season? Well, their final scene together is this one, where they sneak off behind the lockers. They more or less summarize their whole plot this season with this:

They leave the season as they started - as very close besties. But, after the events that occured, and discoveries that they made about themselves, they might be more.

During the upcoming year in season 2, they have yet to start dating, but this time they are more aware about their feelings for each other. Of course, there is a million things more to say about season 1. With 80 episodes, there is neverending content and we'd be here practically all day and night. So for now, I'll end this.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Edit: Part 2 here

[fizzingwizard]

a brief complaint? observation? complervation? obserplaint

I don't watch Riverdale, but this is tumblr and it was impossible to not hear about the final season hijinks, namely the polycule. alright thats cool but i couldnt help side-eyeing how it's really the boys get to sleep with all the girls, and the girls get to sleep with each other as well as the boys... but the boys aren't physically interested in each other. recently i read a quote from one of the show creators where they said Archie/Jughead would have been "too hot" which, lol, but Betty/Veronica isn't?? but anyway was certainly a joke, as the rest was about not forcing something to happen for the sake of representation.

individually all of that is fine, and i hate to nitpick but... I can't help it. I really can't. You tick all the boxes, not for wonderful lgbtqia couples, but for a male fantasy: you can date more than one girl you find hot and they're also bi and into each other. Not part of the typical fantasy are having to share the girls with another guy, and not actually watching the girls at it yourself. But that doesn't matter, because the fantasy isn't for Archie and Jughead, it's for the viewers. Who get to see everything.

Just a few years ago we X-men fans were treated to the great Wolverine/Jean Grey/Cyclops threesome. This was the culmination of literally decades of pining, envy, and truly epic ship wars. At first I was like, wow, really?? Even Cyke and Wolvie getting it on with each other? But that wasn't it - all three of them weren't together - Cyke and Wolvie just each got a piece of Jean and had to live with each other also having a piece of her. It was the sharing of the woman in the relationship which was seen as so amazing and "progressive." My bf was like "lucky Jean!" Meanwhile my reaction was, holy shit, do not want.

If I really believed this threesome came about because it's what Jean wants, that'd be one thing - and yes I'm aware Jean is fictional and can want whatever the writers want. But not even superhero comics are written in a vacuum. All I could see in my head was the writers throwing Jean to the dogs like a piece of meat. "You both want her? You can both have her!" I didn't, and don't see how Jean mattered in any way except that both Scott and Logan want her. And tbh, if they had done the same thing, but also made Jean in love with Ororo, I would still feel the same way: that the Ororo bit was shoehorned in to make people like me whine less about the curious lack of balance here. Lucky Jean, indeed.

So there's two situations which are canonical in their respective universes. It's kind of stunning to me. We lept right past "gay male representation" to "male fantasy re-spun as gay representation." The guys get the girl. The girls make out with each other. The guys still get to be like "no homo, bro," somehow. And this is like, so progressive. What's progressive about it?? Men have been watching lesbian porn since forever. My brother once told me he didn't believe women who said they were bi were really bi because he assumed they were lying to impress men with their bi-ness. Then there's the "sharing with another man" thing which I guess is such an impressive feat. Isn't that just a form of voyeurism though. Don't lots of people get off just on knowing their partner is wanted by others? I'm not seeing the sexual liberation here. I just see girls being sexy in ways men have always wanted them to be, and the men just kinda existing.

Some people insist the greater acceptance of women-loving-women on screen means women in general have far more sexual freedom than men. But being free because people think you're non-sexual or that your sexuality is for them, thus controllable, isn't freedom. There's a reason people believe Queen Victoria thought it was impossible to be a lesbian. She didn't actually. But people were happy to think she did, because they secretly didn't understand how it was possible for two women who lack the right "equipment" lol. That was culture talking. Furthermore, half of what allowed women to sneak around having fun lesbian times with each other was homophobia itself. Because women (in our strict, transphobic gender binary definition) don't have dicks. In many societies around the world, it was historically okay for men to have sex with other men as long as they were the "penetrating" partner. The one in the "male" role. To be in the "female" role was degrading. (There were also class distinctions that determined which role someone would be, depending on the culture.)

It was about pride and dominance. (This stood out to me in the comments on the Archie polycule article: fans [whoops it was the writer of the article!] were worried about how Archie and Jughead's actors would have felt about having to do homosexual scenes with each other. But they didn't express any concern at all for the possibility that Betty and Veronica's actresses may have not liked it.) And for some reason, it still is today. You can have TV lesbians, not because you're so progressive and pro-women loving women, but because lesbians are hot. But TV gays are another matter. They're not hot, at least if what you're trying to construct isn't queer representation, but a male fantasy. It's embarrassing to admit you, a man, are attracted to your male friend, let alone that you have soft feelings toward him. Honestly, even the lesbian relationships are often reduced to their sexual aspect and free of any solid foundation for why these two women picked each other. Which, I mean, it's all good to have fun for fun's sake as long as everything is safe sane and consensual. But it is rather playing in to the stereotype that homosexuals are sex-obsessed, and will wind up in socially-acceptable, straight relationships when they decide they want to have families and contribute to society.

I realize I've only used two examples here, Riverdale and X-men. Which don't really have much in common (although also more than you might think, haha). One reason why I fixed on them is that they're both media with a history. They've been around forever. They have fans across ideological and political spectra. We've seen a lot more positive queer relationships in movies and TV over the past fifteen or twenty years, including gay male relationships, and that's awesome. But by and large it stayed away from the most popular characters in these long-lasting brands. Wolverine has an alternate universe self who is gay and in a relationship with Hercules. It is hairy and bold, I guess. But not as bold as Wolverine being gay. And I'm not saying he has to be. I agree that queer relationships shouldn't be forced. I am saying I think it's curious that Wolverine can't be gay, but he can be in a threesome where he and Scott both get what they want, Jean, and the male fans don't need to feel uncomfortable, and can tell their girlfriends that Jean is so lucky. And Riverdale, like I said I'm not a fan, I never watched it, but my impression is that it was pretty weird and strange in a lot of ways... weird and strange enough to let its female characters be in love with each other as well as the boys... but not weird enough for the boys to do the same? I do think that if these weren't media with such a long history, things would be different. But no one wanted to upset the "true fans." And what makes a true fan is not wanting male characters to be gay. Female characters, sure, that's hot! But if you're waggling your brow at the male ones you must be just into it for the hot guys and incapable of fully appreciating the series. Lol. Double standard what?

This is more or less my struggle with poly relationships in media. It's not that I don't think they should be there. I just think that all the ones I've seen have been cop-outs on the writer's part, either because they don't want to disappoint fans by picking one ship to be end game or because they want the media fuss a poly relationship will make. While, ultimately, the poly relationships in question are just the sort that anyone who's used the internet in the past two decades has seen in porn ads way more times than we wanted to. Where is the polycule where the guys are dating the girls, but also dating each other, and the girls aren't interested in each other sexually at all? I can tell you where to find it: fanfiction! On a popular TV show though? You know, a place where men are more likely to see it? Hmm. Maybe tomorrow...

[alice-in-hotel-land]

Oct. 15th, 2024

I was a little too high when I got to work tonight and my manager (whom I'm pretty sure thinks I'm cute and/or has a crush on me cause she lowkey acts flirty with me) was wearing a hella attractive fit with a new top that I haven't seen her wear yet & tbh she was serving hot eccentric corporate femme realness. I literally was just so focused on how good she looked & practically tuned out the work stuff she was filling me in on. All I could think was "She looks so fucking good I'm such a fucking lesbian oh my god...."

"Ok good to know," As soon as it was my turn to talk I didn't even bother addressing whatever work thing she was conveying to me and gave the blouse a quick look up, saying, "I just want to say I love that shirt btw! You look.....really nice in it." (had to pause for a second because my high ass opened my mouth to say like "you look good as hell/you look hella good" which i knew would be a little too inappropriate to say, especially considering one of the pm desk girls, May, was standing like 4 feet away from us at the other desk, and she hates Alice and is also a gossip so...) After i said that, her face immediately lit up with a beaming smile, she started saying 'thank you' and other stuff while sputtering, then she goes "I could kiss you for that!"

When I tell you it shocked me so hard and was so unexpected that my face instantly turned into the 😳 emoji, I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. I could feel my face getting flush (I turn pink really easily when I'm too warm, doing extraneous physical work, anxious, embarrassed, flustered etc. so its not like i could hide it from her.) Like exCUSE ME??? What was that, ma'am??? What to run that by me again?

I think she noticed my shock and the fact that it got quiet for like .5 seconds and she laughed loudly, backpeddeling, saying like "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!!! I'm so sorry, no seriously, I'm just joking. You're face was so funny though haha 😅" I'm just standing there shocked and trying to recover from that curveball, but in hindsight like.....it's ok girly, if you're gonna say it then say it with your chest. Like I'm sorry, what was that? I don't think I heard you very well. You're gonna have to speak up, don't be shy lmao. When she started apologizing I actually opened my mouth to say "It's ok even if you weren't joking haha," but I clamped my mouth shut because, again, gossipy coworker just feet away from us and I'm not trying to get Alice or myself in trouble. Needless to say that's what it took for me to finally be aware that like, oh shit maybe she actually has been flirting with me for months??

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 How You Get the Girl Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

❓ #QOTD If you could get a tattoo today, what would you get (and what's the meaning behind it)? ❓

[ Find my review below. ]

🦇 While coaching East Nashville High's girl's basketball teen, Coach Julie Parker expects passionate players and quick springs; not for the star of her fantasies, ex-WNBA baller Elle F*CKING Cochrane, to show up with the niece she's fostering. Despite being all heart-eyed and tongue-tied, Julie convinces Elle to become her assistant coach, allowing Elle to keep an eye on her niece. Neither expects sparks to fly along with basketballs shooting across the court, even as Elle helps Julie navigate the unfamiliar terrain of dating. Will they continue sitting on the sidelines of their own lives, or finally take a shot?

💜 Dear Anita Kelly. Thank you. Thank you for a story about two beautifully, vulnerably queer women who are so real and authentic and layered. What easily could have been a trope-filled sapphic sports romance is instead a stunning exploration of identity, mental health, and personal growth. Bear with me, bookish bats, as I try to find my words. This story started with Julie's megawatt heart-eyed celebrity crush and a little forced proximity, but it became so much more. Between her queer twin and best friend, Julie always thought she was a little behind in defining her queerness, but there's no timeline, no deadline. She always struggled to find her label, her place (only to realize they're just...whatever!), and it's not until Elle steps into her life and throws her out of her comfort zone that Julie gets the chance to grow into herself. I also adored that Jules couldn't fully pick one label ("15 percent general queer, 10 percent lesbian stereotype. 20 percent ace, 55 percent dumbass.") because identity is in fact a spectrum. She does mention the possibility of being demisexual at one point, which my gf identifies as, and honestly...I don't think I've ever seen a character recognize that as an option before. To say it brought tears to my eyes is an understatement.

💜 In a way, Elle has been stuck in a comfort zone, too, until she starts fostering her niece and coaching alongside Jules. Elle is so patient with Jules, so willing to step back and give Jules the chance to process her own thoughts, recognize her own needs. There's a give and take to their relationship--when one falters, the other steps in to help them find their balance again. There are so many layers to this story--"There's this idea embedded into our culture of getting over things," "Maybe all love is a surprise, followed by practice," "You can be happy and still feel like you don't really know what you're doing."--so much to appreciate in the little lessons these women learned. Together. (If we're keeping track, I cried three times while reading this book: when seeing "demi," at the news clipping, and during Jule's speech. I need more tissues now, thank you.)

💙 There is one topic I wish received a little more attention, namely because it isn't discussed often enough. Elle meets with the school's weights guy, who assumes all the players on the team are girls: "the ingrained hierarchy and immovable binary of most sports." Elle and Julie made a "space for any player who wanted to put in the work, regardless of their identity." Kelly mentions fighting for equality in sports within her acknowledgments, but I do wish we'd seen a little of that fight as a source of conflict within the book.

💙 The story is a bit slow at the beginning, but once it finds its momentum, it GOES. I will say I wasn't aware this was a duology when I grabbed this ARC, but the references to the previous story weren't so heavy that you can't enjoy this one as a stand-alone.

🦇 Recommended to all readers, whether you're looking for a sports romance, sapphic romance, or simply a good book with lots of mental health love. This one is going to stay with me for a long while.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🌈 Sapphic Ship - Lesbian/Demi 💞 Fake/Practice Dating 🏀 Sports / Workplace / Forced Prox Romance 🏆 Mental Health Rep 📚 Part of the Nashville Series 🏆 Contemporary Romance 🏀 Dual POV 💞 Smut 🌈 Queer Main & Side Cast

🦇 Major thanks to the author @anitakellywrites and publisher @readforeverpub for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

💬 Quotes

❝ Any relationship that’s worthwhile, whether it’s friendship or romantic or sexual, only really works when you try. ❞

❝ But that when it came to identity, when it came to queerness, the whole point was that there were no tryouts. If you were even thinking about it, you were already on the team. That labels weren’t meant to confine, only to bring comfort to those for whom they were useful. That Julie didn’t need to ascribe to any of them, if she didn’t want to. ❞

❝ “You’re not behind on anything...There’s nothing, and no one, you have to track your own life by.” ❞

❝ Maybe all love was a surprise, followed by practice. A step out of comfort zones, followed by hard work. Lurking in all the places you didn’t expect, places that become a forever part of you. ❞

[quickdeaths]

Ji-yeon shrugged her shoulders, hands at either side of her lapel as she adjusted her jacket with an easy smile. "Thanks." Shinobu was sure that Ji-yeon could go down each button and patch, explain the meaning and where she'd got it. If she was feeling in the mood for it, she might have even offered to let Sonia wear in, her voice lilting in that disarming way it could, but she'd doubtlessly picked up already that Sonia was obviously heterosexual. There was no worry, then, about Ji-yeon flirting, given that she both had more tact and wasn't as obvious or pushy as the likes of Miss Aoyama or Tsubasa-san.

"I'm glad you enjoyed the performance," she added, once she'd finished preening with her jacket. "And that's a good choice. Tchaikovsky has always been one of my favorites." She gave another small shrug, before perching herself atop the stone partition at the edge of the garden. "Although, I'm biased. There's something about queer artists that I feel like I can reach out and touch, even more than a century away. It's not like I know what it's like, exactly, to be a gay man in Russia in the 1800s but, I kind of get it, you know."

At that, Ji-yeon laughed, looking back to Shinobu, then Sonia. "I'm sure Shinobu-san mentioned that I'm a lesbian, after all." In response, Shinobu cleared her throat and shook her head. "Ah, no. I mentioned a few things, Miss Ji-yeon, but your personal life and your situations are your own business upon which to speak. I wouldn't have just told someone, without clearing things with you first." That was only mostly true, really. She'd mentioned a few things about how Ji-yeon had walked away from her talent, and how she'd come to perform on this particular night. Sonia was someone accustomed to keeping things quiet, as well. "Ah, but of course, Miss Nevermind is a very warm and accepting person, naturally." Shinobu's eyes flicked to Sonia, lingering on her for a few moments. She really did look so pretty.

For her part, Ji-yeon just gave a soft sigh and another light shrug. "Well, I don't mind her knowing things. It's easier to talk if everything is on the table, anyway, so, I'm happy to give her the story." She kept looking back and forth, Shinobu noticed, between Sonia and herself. Exactly why, they weren't sure. Perhaps she was just trying to be inclusive, to make it seem like she was talking to the pair of them, and not snubbing Sonia entirely in favor of only talking to Shinobu. She was a considerate person, after all, Ji-yeon, and one who purposefully reached out to people at the fringes, to drag them close and make sure they felt her warmth.

Pushing herself up from the stone, Ji-yeon walked over to a nearby vending machine, feeding a few coins into it, turning to look at Sonia with a faint squint on her face, then putting a few more in. Ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk came the rumbling of the machine, dispensing her purchases before she tossed a cold canned coffee, easily caught, to Shinobu, and then pressed a strawberry Calpis into Sonia's hand. With a C.C. Lemon in her own hand, she returned to where she had been seated, one ankle crossed over the other.

"When I was a kid, I just liked music, but I didn't think very much about it. My dad was a musician, and left behind all his instruments when he died, so I used to play around with whatever I could, even when I was too small to hold anything properly." Shinobu wished she wouldn't explain all this. It felt too personal, and she didn't want Ji-yeon to upset herself recounting it. Sonia was empathetic, yes, but this didn't feel like something she needed to know. "We were pretty poor. My mom worked two jobs, and sacrificed a lot so we could keep our house, and keep my dad's things."

Their socioeconomic statuses couldn't be more different, but Shinobu understood Ji-yeon's feelings, sighing softly as she leaned against a wall. There was a difference between loving something as a child, unburdened by expectation, and loving it as an adult, aware of the world. "I was lucky," Ji-yeon continued, "that my dad's friend was willing to teach me for cheap. Otherwise, classical music lessons would have been way beyond what we could have afforded. I guess I was pretty good, because I got invited to a lot of competitions, and eventually HPA scouted me."

With her expression turning a bit more embittered, Ji-yeon took a long drink before wrinkling her nose and continuing. "As a kid, I didn't really realize what we had, or didn't have, but as I got older, I started noticing things. Racial discrimination, discrimination against queer people, or people with disabilities, income inequality, climate change. And being a cello prodigy gave me proximity to people who could fix those things. I took time off my second year and toured with the London Philharmonic. I played shows for the Crown Prince of Japan, the French president, American senators, and tons of businessmen."

Once her drink was finished, Ji-yeon leaned back, effortlessly tossing it into the small disposal bin next to the vending machine. A perfect free throw. "I used to think if I could just talk to those people, they'd listen to me. Even if they weren't altruists, if they loved classical music, they had to know that there were hundreds of people out there, just as talented as I was, who would never reach their potential if they had to struggle so much. That Gould quote about Einstein's brain, right?" She shrugged again, even as Shinobu was looking down, feeling all manner of feelings about Ji-yeon recounting her story. Even if Shinobu already knew it all, it hurt to hear it again.

"But, even when I got the chance, nobody wanted to listen. Nobody in those private rooms cared about what I had to say. They just wanted me to play Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 on command. And, even then, usually just the Prelude." With a sigh of her own, Ji-yeon sat back, gazing up at the sky. Shinobu wondered what she was thinking, if she regretted her choices, or the circumstances they'd brought her to. "So, I quit, after graduation. I got in here on my own academic merits, and I'm taking a 150% course load so I can take the full suite of Economics and Political Science classes, instead of having to water one of them down for a single concentration. Eventually, people will have to listen to what I have to say." Hands out, she gave one last shrug, although there was fire in her eyes, quite a distance from the resignation of the moments before. "So there you go. Now you know."

That was kind of her, Sonia thought during the second half of the performance. Shinobu hadn't needed to reassure her like that, especially within the context that she was not to be seen doing so without raising more questions, more gossip, around them. And yet she had. Sonia wondered if such gestures had come with practice, possibly to avoid her father's ire. The one time Sonia had met him, it didn't seem like he'd be keen on any sort of close friendship for his daughter. Nothing that distracted her from her familial duty.

She could understand that. Their visit today probably to the concert, if he knew, probably irked him. It certainly did for her parents, once she'd explained that she had no intention to go with the intention to mingle with the families they hoped might support Novoselic politically, financially, or both. And every intention to support Shinobu's friend, at Shinobu's invitation. But who is she? Which family does she come from? had been the prevailing inquiry, something Sonia decided not to tell Shinobu as they exited the auditorium through the side door. A family name held no importance on its own, only when they could connect it to some level of prestige they recognized. And a former Ultimate Cellist was not, in their eyes, that important, considering she'd given it up for something that, if Sonia had to guess, seemed quite noble.

"I do not mind the wait," She assured her once they'd stepped outside. Unlike the main entrance, it was quiet, with many of the attendees eager to speak amongst themselves or with the other musicians, likely about Ji-yeon Iida's outburst at the beginning of the concert. It was the sort of thing that would make its way to social media quickly, Sonia was certain, unless the Okuma family found some miracle method of shutting it down. They weren't the government: they didn't have a hold of the press the way the Diet could, or the Imperial Family. Sonia doubted Ji-yeon herself would mind: she seemed the type, despite Sonia not having met her officially yet, to enjoy calling out inappropriate behavior by the privileged few.

Shinobu's assessment had been accurate, though: it hadn't been long at all until the cellist herself had emerged. Sonia turned to her with interest: Miss Ji-yeon Iida carried herself with a sort of confidence and self-assurance that Sonia rarely encountered. And when she did, it often wasn't genuine: it came from a place of wealth and power rather than anything innate. And Ji-yeon Iida's confidence...that came wholly from within, just from the way she stood, the way she spoke, the way she embraced Shinobu and caressed down the length of her arm. Sonia's eyebrows raised in interest.

It wasn't a subject she willingly breached herself, and it wasn't as if Shinobu was one to bring it up in conversation. But the prevailing, unspoken situation was that her friend dated often, in short bursts and many times over. And while neither of them inquired about that side of their lives (not that Sonia had much to tell from her end, by choice: losing Gundham had been difficult enough, and she wasn't about to put someone else through the stress and publicity that being romantically attached to her entailed), that didn't mean Sonia wasn't curious about it. The dates Shinobu had, what they were like, what transpired, and if she ever desired to pursue something other than an outing or two.

And from the way she looked at Ji-yeon Iida, her faded yet pretty blue hair and her ripped jeans, it was the first time Sonia wondered if this woman was, in fact, just a friend. If she was something in-between a friend and a date. A lover, maybe? Sonia smiled as the two women greeted each other, her hands clasping each other a little tighter. Loosening only to appear more natural in her small bow to Ji-yeon: she doubted she shook hands upon meeting, it was not the custom in Japan. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Iida-san. I like your jacket!" She said, her cheeks turning a soft shade of pink once she realized how she'd greeted her. Really, could she not have opened with something besides her attire? But nevertheless, the jacket in question was so unique, full of symbols important to her that she could wear meeting friends and while being the center of attention onstage, and there was no fear in doing so, no one to tell her no that Ji-yeon would seemingly listen to.

Sonia envied her, admired her, and was in awe of her, all at the same time, each emotion battling one another in her chest for dominance.

"I regret that we did not meet whilst attending Hope's Peak Academy together," Sonia continued, her smile warm as she regarded her. There was no point in worrying over things she had no business worrying about. "But I am very glad to meet you today. The concert was so beautiful, and so full of sorrow at the same time: I enjoyed it all, and the Tchaikovsky was particularly moving. I am sorry if the audience could not appreciate it politely in the beginning."

[commanderceleste]

We don't talk about 'Atlantis: The Lost Empire's Helga Sinclair nearly enough, and it's about damn time that we started, I think.

For context, we're talking about the year of our Lord 2001. As far as I recall (and bear with me, I was about 5 years of age at the time) the feminist undertones that have flooded Hollywood films in recent years - as, arguably, a direct result of the 'Me Too' movement - weren't particularly noteworthy, much less noticeable.

There were some outliers, quite possibly, but it was pretty 'meh' at this point in the game, when it came to empowerement, feminism, and straight-up compelling female characters in the animated film front. They weren't the norm, or the trend. We were lucky if a Disney Princess managed to subvert expectations - even just a little - in a satisfying way, rather than fall prey to tired old tropes, such as the over-sexualization of female characters. Exhibit A: Pocahontas.

(feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken)

So, here comes Atlantis: The Lost Empire, at the turn of the milennium, blaring a horn that seemed to say 'hold my beer'. To this day, I still find it shocking that this film actually got made. The representation present in this film is so staggeringly good, it makes me mad and want to cry. It's that good.

Sure, you could easily try and argue that in certain regards it falls prey to stereotypes from the groups it tries to portray, but this is one of the very few films that I'd be willing to argue (and defend) didn't actively do it out of malice, or as a blatant, on-the-nose attempt at representation as we see on today's blockbuster-obsessed film landscape. It reads more like an honest attempt, flawed though as it may be in some regards, rather than being the butt of a lazy punchline.

It's not your typical 'Le Fou is going to be our first gaaaaaay on the live-action remake Era! 🌈 #Pride ' or 'empowering feminist moment in an MCU film, deeply undercut by the fact that this character barely has any screen-time or a compelling character arc'.

The representation in Atlantis - again, perhaps not perfect, if you actively try and find glaring flaws in it, you absolute killjoy - was simply way ahead of its time. And, sadly, remains to this day. Few films today seem as invested (as Atlantis) to try and replicate what adds up to a genuinely groundbreaking moment in modern cinema history. Hell, some films seem downright terrified of the prospect, due to fear of poor box office returns, being cut out of certain foreign markets - who happen to bring in a lot of money... as long as you stay in line and don't try anything too radical - or worse: turning out to be problematic. Hastag gasp.

How many queer characters have been kept secret or vague or relegated to a blink-and-you-miss-it scene in the past 5-or-so years? Off the top of my head, you've got Paranorman, Frozen, Finding Dory, with many other films like Storks and The Mitchell's vs. The Machines faring a little better, with the end result being equally unsatisfying and restrained. And that's just in the animated film landscape. 3 second lesbian kiss on Rise of Skywalker, anyone? Le Fou in Live-action Beauty and the Beast? Gay *unnamed* character in Avengers: Endgame? Queer-coding in Frozen? LUCA?

(again, if you feel like some of this examples are unfair to enlist, feel free to explain why)

So, Helga Sinclair. What. A. Character. Here comes a woman who seems insanely -refreshingly so - confident in her own body, who likewise seems well aware of her sex appeal, and who, even in her very last moment - despite being painfully aware that this is the end of the line for her - decides to go (not so) gently into that good night with an EPIC one-liner that remains engraved in many of our heads to this day. Ugh, her MIND. When I think of memorably female characters in animated films, she's easily in of the top spots.

On top of that, I feel like queer folks - especially women - can find a lot to love in her character. Her confidence, her sass, the animation work, the voice acting, her physicality, the fact that she feels like an active participant in the story and like there's more to her than meets the eye. She's one of the antagonists, but you can literally see her hesitation, and her shock, and how she reacts to the world and situations she's caught up in. She's not just a villainesque, femme fatale-type, one-note side-kick. She's a legit character that's a joy to learn more about. As a queer man, I find her character to be so flawlessly executed, even though she's neither a protagonist, nor queer (arguably), or one that has such a significant amount of screentime, compared to a character like Kida or Milo.

So, you know, give us more of that, perhaps? Not just more characters like Helga Sinclair (boy, do we need them), but just... more daring and inclusive and unique films. Don't be afraid to make mistakes; work your hardest to make sure you avoid them in the first place. Listen and be humble. Approach individuals who actually know about our respective struggles as minorities. Don't guess; ask.

And even if you do make mistakes, why let that discourage you from trying? I'd take a refreshing and unique character - or narrative - that tries to approach storytelling differently, over the sterilized, formulaic tired-old tropes that are quickly becoming the only way to approach representation in film and the media we consume in general.

Take risks, and try. It's okay not to be perfect and right, all the time.

[sevensided]

What would upset me most about a romantic love monologe to El would be their lesbian/gay characters getting dust. Oh Will is the gay kid with an unrequited crush nothing ground breaking there. Robin can't ask out the girl she wants to. Valid, but she is sadly pining from afar. And Eddie(hanky code being confirmed?) who, if they kill off would be bury your gays. Where is the happiness in these stories? Their m/f ships get to kiss,be affectionate and say/show their love. What about them? :(

I hear what you're saying, but don't lose sight of the time period. The 1980s weren't a good time to be gay. That's not to say that gay people didn't live happy, fulfilling lives where they were accepted by their families, but they did face challenges, and it is important to underscore that this show isn't Heartstopper in that regard.

Having said that, yes, I do agree that from a media perspective it would be disappointing if they did not go down the path of Mike/Will. Something that has recently occurred to me, though, is that the writing does show a lot of affection for these characters. They don't suffer needlessly. When we look at the Mike/El/Will debacle, you could feasibly say that Mike and Will are suffering for similar reasons (feelings, identity), whereas a lot of El's suffering is more macro (morality). I've maintained that El and Mike will go their separate ways and it will be because they don't need each other to find their happiness - they can do that alone (as in El's case) or with someone else (Mike and Will). Just my two cents, but I do think they will give the characters a happy ending because that is fundamentally what the show is about.

Regarding the characters you mentioned, I disagree with Eddie. I get the handkerchief thing, but this is small-town Indiana; and there was a lot of textual evidence to suggest that he and Chrissy might have, in another life, been in a romantic relationship. The Breakfast Club was cited as an influence for S04 and Eddie/Chrissy's dynamic is clearly Claire/Bender. I'm sorry, but I don't see gay Eddie being a thing in canon - in fanon, though, hell yeah, go for it.

I would say that ST does deal with unexpected romance well, though, and particularly that romance which might be considered marginalised. Max and Lucas, for instance, are in an interracial relationship, and you can see across S02-3 that they are becoming aware of race as a factor in their relationship. I personally think Lumax was the standout of this season, and I believe it's down to how their story played out - they really came full circle.

Sidebar, it's interesting how Mike is consistently amazed that he has to deal with "mature" and "adult" situations/arguments in his relationship with El, when arguably Max and Lucas have been dealing with that for far longer, and better, and they're the same age. But I digress.

Regarding Robin, she states in canon that she has to be careful. The writers are aware that she can't just march up to Vickie and ask her out - it's measured, considered, a situation where, if Robin isn't careful, she could even be in danger if word reached the wrong people. ST has never been about skipping into the sunset. It's always been about overcoming trials and finding who you are even if you will not/cannot be accepted by other people. In that respect Will being gay fits perfectly within this thematic framework. So, tl;dr... I hear your frustration, but there is both evidence to support our happy endings plus some historically-accurate gay romance.

[marshmallow-xphile]

My thoughts on the sexuality of some of my favorite X-files characters.

I posted this in my X-files amino back in June as part of a LGBTQ pride challenge and for some reason I only just thought to post it here as well.

Fox Mulder: openly bisexual

Mulder is so open sexually that I really don't think gender matters all that much to him. He does seem to prefer females but I wouldn't be even remotely surprised if he had a boyfriend or two in the past. I don't think he's flamboyant about his sexuality but I don't think he'd hide it at all either

My evidence:

In the season one episode "Ghost in the Machine" we meet an Mulder's ex-partner, Jerry, and I absolutely feel like there is an ex-lovers vibe to the both of them. They hug upon first seeing each other, Mulder looks incredibly happy to see him, when Mulder says they worked together Jerry corrects him to say they were partners at which point Mulder looks over at Scully as if to see her reaction. Mulder has this real guilty look to him. When Jerry acts a little self conscious Mulder is real quick to jump in and reassure him. They get in each other's personal space. It just really leaves me with the impression that they care deeply for one another and broke up for other reasons, perhaps the different career goals as Mulder tells Scully.

We also have Mulder with Krycek. From the very beginning of Krycek's involvement with the X-files I feel like the writers went out of their way to make a correlation between the change in partnership and a new partner in a relationship. There is a scene in Sleepless where Mulder and Scully are on the phone and Mulder tells Krycek he'll be right there, the rest of the conversation feels reminiscent of two exes chatting about the change brought about by the new relationship. Scully even brings up that it must be nice having a partner who doesn't question his every theory.

There were many scenes in Sleepless, Duane Barry, and Ascension in which Mulder and Krycek were alone but that we never got to see who knows for example what the two of them got to talking about while they were stuck in traffic during the drive to New York in Sleepless. Or how often they hung out between Sleepless and Duane Barry.

During Mulder and Scully's partnership Mulder only called her 'Dana' on a few emotional occasions. He started casually calling Krycek 'Alex' almost immediately.

Let us not forget the infamous speedo scene. While yes it definitely showed more of a Krycek attraction to Mulder than the opposite. It does make one wonder what led him to wear such a revealing bathing suit. How many straight men do you know who wear speedos? My guess is few. How many straight men wear speedos when they can reasonably assume their male partner will show up looking for them? Not many would be guess.

And then there is their relationship after Krycek is revealed to be a traitor. They both tend to act more like scorned lovers than enemies and notice that it's Mulder, not Krycek, who cannot seem to keep his hands off the other. Seriously it's like every time Krycek shows up, Mulder immediately grabs him.

Now here's a couple quotes from Mulder,

Krycek tells Mulder he most be losing it because Krycek beat him with one hand. Mulder's immediate reaction: "isn't that how you like to beat yourself?"

When the little man in Humbug is lined up pretty much exactly with Mulder's crotch he says that Mulder would be surprised how many women find his size alluring. Mulder's immediate reaction: "you'd be surprised how many men do as well"

How many straight guys do you know comfortable enough with their sexuality to make a gay innuendo? I personally cannot think of any.

Dana Scully: bicurious

I believe that Scully is sometimes attracted to women. It definitely is not as blatant as with Mulder and I really don't think she's had any past girlfriends but I definitely think that there is an attraction.

My evidence:

In the episode "Ice" I really felt like there are a few tender moments between her and Felicity Huffman's character especially while they were examining one another for the worms. That examination had a sort of sexual energy to it I thought.

In the episode "kill switch" theres a moment where the Invisagoth asked if she could have her handcuffs removed or if she should type with her tongue. Mulder mentions that she doesn't want a vote there and the look on Scully's face and the way she licks her lips, I definitely get the impression that she would have been perfectly happy to see what Invisagoth could get up to with that tongue.

Some people point to Scully's relationship with Reyes as evidence of her bisexuality, I personally don't see any attraction there on Scully's side but I don't think its outside the realm of possibility.

Monica Reyes: Closeted lesbian

This one's probably a surprise I know there was something between here and Brad as well as a flirtation with Doggett so you would probably think she was Bisexual but honestly was either one of those even remotely convincing? To me they weren't. I believe that Reyes is a lesbian.

I kind of go back and forth on whether she's open about it. Reyes is very spiritual and open so it seems strange that she would be in the closet but maybe she has a reason, fear of it affecting her career in the FBI perhaps? It just seems strange that she keeps pursuing these heterosexual relationships she has no passion for unless she is trying to hide her true passion.

My evidence:

I admit I really have very little evidence but look at the relationship between Reyes and Brad Follmer. It had all the chemistry of two people who got really drunk once and cannot remember sleeping together. I don't for a second believe she was ever in love with Brad nor he in love with her.

Then you've got the same thing between her and Doggett. Yes the writers were obviously trying for a romantic angle with the two of them but to me it never came across as convincing. It seemed more like she thought of him as a good friend and figured she might as well date him, I saw no evidence of love or attraction.

On the other hand look at her and Scully. While I feel like the attraction there was one sided I definitely feel like Reyes was into Scully or Dana as she would call her. Reyes was willing to risk her life for Scully and yes that is her job after all but Reyes seems to take that above and beyond and it's not just Scully herself but also William. Look at how protective Reyes is of William in The Truth and of the sacrifice Scully made in giving him up. She seems to care even more than Mulder on that.

Cigarette-Smoking-Man: Asexual

CSM has probably had sex at some point, he is of course the father of at least three children but I do not think that he was ever in love with any of these women or even attracted to them. I believe they were all just a means to an end.

I believe that CSM's only love was for his cigarettes

Evidence:

There is a little bit of evidence that he might have actually felt something for Teena Mulder but I don't buy it. He freely admits that he felt nothing for Cassandra Spender but he must've been convincing if he got her to marry him and we have seen him fake emotions more than once. He also seemed to show an attraction to Scully in En Ami but that too was just a means to an end. Perhaps he does feel something towards all the women he has impregnated but I wouldn't call it love. I don't see any real attraction there either. My bet is that CSM needed some "help" in order to produce his offspring.

Alex Krycek: Gay

While Krycek did have an obviously sexual relationship with Marita Covarrubias he definitely didn't have any real feelings for her and I don't buy attraction either. No I'd say they were both just trying to use sex to get what they wanted. His anger at finding the Russian boy gone wasn't because he was heartbroken at her betrayal. Merely mad that she'd managed to get the upper hand.

Whether Krycek is open or in the closet I'm not sure, I'm thinking it probably depends on the mission hes on at the time.

Evidence:

Of everyone on this list I'd say Krycek is the one I'm the most sure of. There is no doubt in my mind that Krycek was attracted to, perhaps even in love with, Fox Mulder. From the very beginning there appeared to be a bit of longing in his eyes.

There was the speedo scene wherein Krycek was definitely checking Mulder out. There were several scenes where Krycek could've killed Mulder but chose to help him instead.

As I've seen pointed out before, Krycek's crazy motivational choices don't make any sense at all unless it's all in an effort to be around Mulder more.

Look at his sense of style and his obvious love for lip gloss. I am not saying that straight men cannot love lip gloss and dress themselves in Krycek's fashion but it is uncommon and it was especially so back in the 90s

The infamous kiss in The Red and the Black could certainly be explained away as some kind of Russian custom but it isn't one that I am aware of and he hasn't really shown any other signs of his Russia heritage.

I would say my best evidence of Krycek's sexuality is in Essence and Existence, just look at the look on Krycek's face when Mulder trusts him to protect Scully. Krycek knows what Scully means to Mulder and then look at how seriously Krycek takes the job! I definitely feel like that moment meant a lot to him and he would have protected Scully with his life for Mulder.

There's also the fact that Krycek's unwillingness to kill Mulder lead to his own death.

Of course asking Skinner to shoot Mulder goes against this theory but I do have a couple thoughts on that, the most sensical being that he knew there was no chance Skinner would shoot Mulder and he probably knew there was no chance he would survive anymore. Maybe he made that request in hopes of sparing Mulder any pain he might have otherwise felt at his death (I know it's a bit of a stretch but my other theories require a long explanation of my thoughts on where the series had planned to go next)

The lone gunmen: no one knows....not even them

Three (I don't count Jimmy for this) single adult men who all live together in very cramped quarters and are, at least in Langley's case, perfectly happy to be around each other without thier clothes on certainly makes it seem like there's something between them all but I really don't get a overtly gay impression with any of them, even Langley who as mentioned doesn't like to wear pants and is the only one who hasn't had a love interest. They just have this sort of Vegas-esque thing. "What happens in the bachelor pad/newspaper room stays in the bachelor pad/newspaper room.

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on these and any other X-files characters you think might be somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.

[transgeneth]

Name? private

Pronouns and gender? she/her, woman of the trans variety

Sexuality? lesbian although these femboy Fridays got me questioning that

Country? private

Top 5 fandoms? I don't really interact with fandoms themselves but digimon since I was a small child, kenshi, rimworld, zelda, deep rock

What is your Most forbidden snack? the crown jewels

Would you pet a bug? already have

Share a weird fact/story about yourself with the class. I have had a couple of dreams that don't make sense but not in the usual way, I do not remember their order. One was a red symbol unrememberable but I do remember being fully aware of my body, time going at the normal rate for hours and being too weak to go to school afterwards. The second was a day dream, I was in an endless expanse of mist and people all sat down on the floor, above was a massive cloaked figure taking up the sky, for whatever reason I stood up and showed it the middle finger in defiance, it then breathed out a thick mist that left me writhing in real life, afterwards I drank. And the third one is the one I have the most headache over, to sum up this longer(in term of how many things happen) a girl who is seeming abused by her parents tries to get help from me, now the actual shape of her parents is what gives me a headache because no matter how hard I think a clear picture never comes, I know for a fact I know what those abominations looked like those things that filled the sky but the closer I get to remembering their form the pain just gets worse and worse. Now I look at this it feels cringe.

What does the color blue taste like? like an orange but without the zest

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? tied between the moon in full splendor and the golden light when sun sun sets just right

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done? squeezed through a chained shut door in my old abandoned school

Stupidest thing you've seen/heard someone else do/say? a friend replied "👍" to an "I love you" text from their girlfriend, they weren't very pleased

Hyperfixation song? I mainly listen to other peoples music mixes, ones that mention trans and breakcore ones, also like sewerslvt

Is there any meaning behind your profile picture and/or username? the profile picture is the first one I found of my computer and the username is trans which is self explanatory and geneth is cymraeg and translates to girl

Dream career as a child? Didn't have one, as a child I didn't understand why anyone wouldn't just share with people since it's the nice thing to do

Dream career as an adult? Not a lot has changed, I hate the idea of currency, so many horrible things done because it makes money, so many wonderful things not done because you don't make money from feeding people you make it from them buying it, I wish I could help people and am overwhelmed by how many need help

Thoughts on cilantro? I'm pretty sure I like coriander or cilantro as you put it, didn't know this was one of those marmite type things

Have you ever been banned from a location and if so, why? to get banned you have to be caught doing something wrong, I have never been banned from a location

What is your cursed food combination? chocolate bourbon biscuits with blue berries after, while the taste of the biscuit is still in your mouth

Trans rights? Trans rights now

and now for the people who I am sorry if this has already been sent to you

@ferno-does-random-shit @viola-canadensis @elviras-fucked-up-gay-sex-lair @orangeshortstuff @vevader3 @ozi-uwu

“I just came from r/196” ask game

Saw another post. I think I should invite y'all to one of our longstanding traditions. Answer the questions then tag 10 (or more) people. I'll go first.

Name? Frankie

Pronouns and gender? he/they/it, transmasc

Sexuality? Lesbian

Country? USA

Top 5 fandoms? Bungou Stray Dogs, Cosmere, All for the Game, Fundiesnark (not a series but I'm too deep in it to not consider it a fandom), .....the tornado fandom? (they're my special interest)

What is your Most forbidden snack? The preserved bones at the Atlanta Bodies Exhibition. They looked so crunchy...

Would you pet a bug? If it's big enough, it is pettable.

Share a weird fact/story about yourself with the class. I like to drive around rural areas and photograph old, sometimes abandoned locations in the dead of night. I have been literally chased out of towns by foot and by car on two separate occasions. The second time this happened, "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus came up on shuffle and that's the soundtrack my friend and I tore out of town to. Also every "guy" I've dated except for my most recent ex (who has big egg energy) is a lesbian now.

What does the color blue taste like? Creme brulee

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The appalachian mountains of Tennessee in the middle of summer. There's kudzu everywhere. On the backroads, there were several old, dilapidated Baptist churches barely hanging to the side of the mountain. I wonder how many of them were still in use.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done? Short version: my friend's house almost got broken into by this dude who'd been stalking us for months while we were home alone. Instead of calling the cops, we decided to confront him with a bow and arrow (me), a hatchet, and a baseball bat (him). The plan was that if it went badly, we would simply throw his corpse into one of the many lakes in the neighborhood and let the alligators eat his remains (this was Florida). Why? Because we were afraid of having our home-alone privileges revoked. Luckily for us all, the guy fucked off and we never saw him again.

Stupidest thing you've seen/heard someone else do/say? My ex thought that Jackalopes were real. Also, a nurse I was doing rotations with apparently thought that "Witness Protection" was for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Hyperfixation song? Young Enough + Bleach by Charly Bliss

Is there any meaning behind your profile picture and/or username? Profile pic; I'm transmasc and I'm currently obsessed with TriStamp. Username; It was my fake internet name when I was like 13. I won't change it because I want my mutuals to recognize me, and because I do have a viral post associated with this name.

Dream career as a child? Doctor (funnily enough I'm now in nursing school)

Dream career as an adult? Professional Jester. Not a comedian. I just want to be some weird little guy who dresses silly and you can hire me to roast your boss at work parties.

Thoughts on cilantro? Delicious

Have you ever been banned from a location and if so, why? I honestly can't remember? Probably... but in recent memory I've mainly banned people from places.

What is your cursed food combination? Pineapple on a hotdog with grilled onions. It Slaps.

Trans rights? TRANS RIGHTS

Tagging: @rocket-mankoi @mostlymarco @atleast8courics @jazzlike39 @gemsweater72 @limbobilbo @ameliaaltare @redcrane112 @theoneofwhomisblue @twinkenjoyer @theultimatecarp and anyone else who wants to jump on

[buffysummers]

tw: mentions of rape

speaking of rape in btvs... tbh it's always bothered me that willow's rape of tara is almost never addressed. i definitely understand why it's so uncomfortable when spike's attempted rape of buffy is dismissed, but why is what willow did to tara almost never talked about??? she erased her memory of a fight and then slept with her (and had explicit sex with her during under your spell, tara was basically magically roofied) and like... idk no one in the show even talks about what a violation that was outside of tara talking abt willow fucking with her mind after what glory did to her, and in the fandom it's even more rare for it to be called what it was. why is that? is it just bc it wasn't violent, or bc it's two women and ppl are reluctant to call it out, or do ppl not realize that's actually what happened?

I think it's actually a mixture of all of those things. I have spoken about this before, I believe. I think it's one of those things that appears to be super romantic (and the song IS so romantic, like the entire scene is beautiful and magical) that people don't realize that Tara never consented to having sex with Willow. If Willow hadn't messed with her mind, Tara would STILL be fighting with her and would in no way have sex with her. I honestly think given the time it was written, conversations about consent weren't really discussed or even as aware or present in people's minds like how it is now. It was more cut and dry. Like, people had the mentality that if you're married to someone or even dating them, it can't be rape. I think what was considered 'consent' when Buffy was airing is way different than how people perceive consent now. I think it's just one of those things that can make Buffy feel dated in certain ways. But at the time, it was totally normal and most wouldn't even register that it's violating.

There are several other moments in the show that could easily be considered rape by today's standards, but wasn't then. I don't even think the writers CONSIDERED what Willow did to Tara as rape. In the song, Tara is quite literally saying that she's under Willow's spell, but it has two meanings. The meaning that the show is highlighting is the romantic meaning. Everything about that scene is telling the audience this is a song about love and desire, and on the surface, it is. It could also be intentional. The episode is about being powerless to resist revealing hidden truths through music, is this Tara telling Willow that on some level, she knows she did something to her? Is she breaking through the spell? Or is it simply meant to be poking fun because Tara IS actually under Willow's spell but doesn't know it? It also ties back to the metaphor used throughout season four when Willow and Tara first got together. Willow and Tara doing 'spells' was just a euphemism for the writers being like, 'yeah, they're having sex.' (ie: "I've been uh thinking about that last spell we did... all day." and literally the entire scene in 4.16). The network did NOT want there to be anything too direct or too physical between Willow and Tara. They were very conservative in that regard, (hence why they don't even kiss onscreen until 5.16 despite the fact that they were dating for like well over a year at that point).

What makes Buffy so great is that it does have so many layers and it does facilitate conversations like this, whether the writers meant to or not. It's also a delicate topic because Willow and Tara mean SO much to so many people. Like this relationship was groundbreaking even if it has some major flaws. I think people love to focus on the good because there really wasn't lesbian representation like this at the time. Like, sure, there were lesbians, but mostly just side characters whose entire identity is that they're a lesbian without ever actually kissing or dating a girl. Like, Willow and Tara had a fleshed out and developed romance that was at the forefront of the show for seasons. So, I'm thinking fans like to forget about the bad because of what the relationship meant to them when it was airing.

I do think it's valid and important to discuss this and I do not shy away from it. I guess I just understand why some people may not want to think about it or even discuss it.