#i love murderers who bully the shit out of columbo

[columboscreens]

[columboscreens]

i was asked recently about my top three and top ten columbo murderers who i think most deserved their fate. after wrangling with the tumblr post editor undoing my text changes and fucking up my photo placement, i finally finished the post. everything looked good in the drafts, in the queue, and in the blog preview.

then for some ungodly reason tumblr published the rough draft version of the post i'd written weeks ago anyway. i got so frustrated i yelled expletives and nuked it. so i'm starting anew. without further ado,

here are the top ten piece of shit columbo murderers who absolutely deserved it:

justin rowe & cooper redman, columbo goes to college: truly, i hate these two scum-sucking motherfuckers the most. they're brats, yes, but look at the absolute dogshit stakes at hand. all the other murderers in this show are killing for true love, power, multimillion dollar fortunes, careers of great prestige--usually for that upon which they've staked their entire lives. these two tar pits blow their professor's brains out because they Got Bad Grades, which was their fault to begin with! they bully columbo mercilessly. i can't even look at them without wanting to throttle them

dr. barry mayfield, a stitch in crime: though his reasoning for murder starts out with at least some comprehensible amount of dignity, he quickly devolves into one of the most evil murderers of the series, not only by trying to off his research lead, but for causing so much collateral damage. he kills his nurse for knowing too much, sure, but killing her poor vietnam vet ex who's trying to shake his perc addiction while working at the petting zoo is…almost comically evil. it's no wonder columbo gets visibly fed up with his shit.

commissioner mark halperin, a friend in deed: god this guy is such a huge piece of shit. he's a spectacularly corrupt cop, covering for his friend's manslaughter and then using it as an excuse to drown his own wife for her money--to make it worse, his wife is somehow an absolute sweetheart angel darling who spends all her time working with underpriviliged children and people of color. then he's dumb enough to let columbo, the star detective with a 200% solve rate, work on the case, while also openly disparaging and discouraging him. utterly contemptible.

nelson hayward, candidate for crime: in typical politician style, so plastic and two-faced that he's not even a real human being. cheats on his adorable wife with a 20-year-old floozy and then gets mad at his clearly fantastic campaign advisor for wanting him to get a grip and fix his fucking marriage. then he shoots him about it. then he tries to make everyone think he's in danger--and he's such a rutting, lying pig that his own wife clearly believes columbo more than she believes him.

sean brantley, columbo cries wolf: i'm not sure if there exists a more smug columbo villain than sean brantley. uniquely repugnant in that he uses and abuses columbo to generate a media frenzy, then mocks and embarrasses him on international television. uniquely moronic in that when he actually DOES do a murder he hides his partner's body in…his own wall? with her smart watch still attached to her wrist. actual dirt man

dale kingston, suitable for framing: total piece of shit who always thinks he's the cleverest person in the room. says the absolute dumbest shit about art all the time; as in, literally everything that comes out of his mouth makes you want to curbstomp him. the girl who loves him gets kind of scared about being an accessory to murder, so instead of being reassuring in any capacity, he brains her with a big rock. this man deserved impalement

paul galesko, negative reaction: starts off the episode SO sympathetic when we see how bitchy and abusive his wife is, then immediately vanquishes all sympathy by being the most annoying, insufferable fuckhead at all times. fucked around with yet another 20-year-old floozy, killed an ex-con who was trying to rebuild his life, and planned everything poorly. is terribly mean to columbo…

milo janus, exercise in fatality: a complete fucking slimeball with vanishingly few redeeming qualities. kills a guy with his bare hands for even suggesting cooked books and then taunts his estranged widow about it by...asking her to fuck? (in all fairness--he has to maintain Quality. when he grows? you grow). it's no wonder that columbo loses his shit and yells at him

emmett clayton, the most dangerous match: seldom talked about in these conversations but he is so smug and killed one of the least deserving columbo victims because…he's a massive fucking coward who is incapable of losing. pathetic! get over yourself! plus this guy was like Ooo i am so Extremeley Jeanius but when columbo diverted his attention for like five seconds he lost to a fucking fool's mate. literally the quickest way you can lose a game of chess. real bobby fischer swag you big goofy ass bitch. grow up moron

harold van wick, playback: just the most abrasive fucking asshole the entire episode. insufferable proto-tech bro who is mean to beautiful radiant sweetheart gena rowlands and not even in the smug columbo murderer way, just an old school ableist/misogynist who openly says shit like why should i allow my dumb disabled wife to Make Decisions. doesn't even pretend to be nice to columbo at any point and not in the charming robert culp way. loathsome garbage heap of a man.

honorable mentchies go to jack cassidy nazi magician, evil french chef, pedophile johnny cash, weird italian polycule artist, and both william shatners. fuck you