scythepalace

[scythepalace]

I feel like I am moving nowhere pretty fast. For 2 months Ive been living the same week over and over and over again it's driving me insane. I need to get out somewhere, I need to do something, None of my weeks feel rewarding, or feel like I am working towards something. I need to explore something, or just go out and express myself. IKBUTYCRXDRTFYUHI:OJP"IVFGDHTRCF^T&YP*(U{)I_JOPN BMVHG(U*&YT^FRDT^(UV. BVHU(I)(_OJI

[scythepalace]

It’s one of those starve myself and feel like decaying days 😆🤞🏽

[scythepalace]

I feel like I’m really all I got at the end of the day. Nobody ever comes to my rescue when I’m drowning. Sounds so bitch made but hell that’s really how I be feeling sometimes. Which is why I’m just trying to grind and get through shit. But when you are giving your literal LIFE SOURCE to the people around you it becomes hard. Start to deteriorate and lose time I could use to better myself . But it’s fine . I guess I’ll just live like this til I can’t no more :/ . Dawg I feel so tired. I’m just ugh. Like I’m just . Bleh. I really hope I get this shit together. Maybe a tattoo will make me feel better. Who fucking knows

Tuesday, December 5th 2023

[scythepalace]

A lot of times I think about what my younger self would think about who I’ve become. Having a conversation with him and picking at his brain. I can’t believe where life takes you sometimes, and how even with all the change you still hold on to the things that bought you joy when you were a kid. It makes me look at people who are completely stripped of their innocence. A complete piece of them is missing and life made it difficult for them to get it back. Mental and emotional abuse took a piece of that from me. It’s why I take things literal, and why I can’t keep ahold of my self image. I usually never feel worth it. Especially when I try to do everything right. And maybe that’s the problem, maybe trying to be so good is what makes me make the wrong steps, because I always put “the right thing” over my actual feelings. It’s such an intense tug of war. I don’t know where I’m headed, I just hope it gets me closer to feeling like I deserve some type of grace.

Thursday, November 30 2023

[scythepalace]

Sometimes it’s best to just shut up and open my ears. These last couple months have been a rollercoaster , I’ve found myself the happiest and most accepted , but also the lowest and most confused. I feel like I need to do what I did 2 years ago and just not talk for 3 days straight . Just write and think, reflect , dig deep, understand what I want out of life in this next year. Sometimes I just want to be free . Free from everything , and just focus on my passion. I’ve found myself relying on vices to cope which I’ve been doing since I was 14 buying clothes every chance I got and fucking FORTNITE SKINS to get some feeling of satisfaction. But now that I’m older, and make my own money those vices have changed . Drugs , sex, still clothes. It makes me look at adulthood so differently. It helped me understand my mom and her mental state a lot more. When you’re trying to survive there is no growth. When all you can think about his how you’re going to eat, where you’re going to lay your head out, how you’re going to make it to the next day without hurting yourself or ending your life due to the pressure from the people around you and yourself, there is no mental space to reflect and grow. You’re just stuck in this constant limbo of working through the days. Then boom, you dig yourself out that hole and all of sudden your mind is overwhelmed with all the emotions you were supposed to feel while you were dealing with your ordeals. I try my hardest to stay strong, but fuck is it hard. I need a getaway or something. I want to be isolated, no phone, no friends, just me, a notebook, and music. I try to be patient with myself, and tell myself what I tell everyone else “good things take time.” “Give yourself grace for the small steps you take daily” Which sounds great, but hard to apply depending on the issue. The more I think about it the more I realize how naive I was when I was in high school. I think I was still pretty wise for my age due to the things I’ve dealt with at such a young age, but I did not have the answers. Or maybe I did at the time. I mean when I think about it the things I stressed about or the things that were a problem back then aren’t that significant to me now. Which is why I think I need to shut the fuck up again. Take in this new set of issues and genuinely sort it out. Some days I find myself looking at the sky, smoking a cigarette, asking god or whatever is out there for answers, guidance, signs that show I am moving forward in life and not at a standstill. But maybe me still being alive is a sign. I’m still here, I’m pretty healthy, I can make it to work, bills are paid, maybe that is a sign of moving forward. I try not to wrap my head around it TOO much cause I’d prolly get a headache. I’m just hoping I don’t spiral out of control. I’m trying not to. I try to keep my soul intact, but as life deteriorates my self image it gets harder by the second. Thankfully I’m still pretty at least??????? What the fuck am I even saying lol

Monday, November 13th 2023

[scythepalace]

I am not sober while typing this, and I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I have been more intoxicated than lately and I just hope it doesn't blind me in the future. I try my best to stay strong, I try my best to muscle through the pain, but god damn sometimes it feels like too much. I feel like I have no help, I feel like no one understands the things that run through my mind, which sounds so corny, but it is really how I feel. I feel like the people around me dont care to even listen to the things I have to say, that one Danny brown song is literally the way I be feeling sometimes. But I try my best to not let it discourage me. I gotta stay focused on whats best for me. I gotta stop myself from crashing out. I gotta be the ruler of my conciseness, no matter how difficult it can be sometimes. I know what I want in life, I know I am destined for something more than what life is now for me. I really had to sleep outside... cant and nobody was there for me. Just alone, drowning and drowning into my subconscious, paranoia, depression, lack of motivation. That tunnel vision becomes a little less narrow when there is more to focus on. The mindset of finding the good in things becomes saddening when you slowly lose even small things to be grateful for. but maybe thats me being pessimistic. I am kind of at a stand still in life right now. I just hope I figure things out soon!!!

[scythepalace]

I know I am going through it when I start listening to classical music. I feel as if the more I try to crawl out of the hole I am in it forcefully gets deeper. I literally feel like this picture from the undercover 06 collection... trapped, suffocated, blank, just overall fucking numb. I love that when I have the epiphany that being optimistic isnt a bad thing, it becomes more challenging to be optimistic... I literally adore that for me!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I do wish life wasn't as hard as it is. I dont think it makes me weak, just my natural reaction of an onslaught of nonstop ordeals making me think about a less complex life. I think about the days during quarantine, which were definitely bitter sweet, but damn were those sweet moments cavity giving. I wish the world could just stop like that again, but I doubt it ever will. I was talking to one of my friends, and they said how they have been lost since they were 12 and I was "lucky that I had something figured out." which from face value and by dictionary definition, I DO! but it still somehow feels like I am missing something. I dont know, it's almost like maybe the thing I am reaching for isnt what I actually need? Maybe I don't need a family, maybe I am telling myself these things. or am I just feeling doubtful at the moment? Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the two. I really admire people who keep themselves together.. cause fuck life can be intoxicating, it can be hell, this is what adults talk about when I was younger.. it is now my reality, and not just filler conversation in the background while im running around the field, imaging whole scenarios, thinking about how I have P.E the next day. It is now what I have to live, my every day I sink deeper, and deeper into this thing called life, and I am just hoping I don't drown. I honestly have to survive for this next month and a half... If I can do that, well then shit I might actually amount to something, because I could IMAGINE anything more difficult than these last two months. I applaud myself for surviving this long, but hell is it getting exhausting. being vulnerable and honest with myself, I feel myself cracking more and more every day, and I dont think anyone around me notices, or even cares to notice because they need me for their problems. I feel like I am a life force for the people around me, not being acknowledged for the hardships ive been dealing with, maybe I should applaud myself for making this shit look too easy... or maybe I should distance myself from everyone until I am looked at as an actual human that is trying to survive. thankfully I got something from my job today so I can have some type of breakfast tomorrow morning. I literally had my first bite to eat today at 3:30pm, and boy did that shit feel horrible. I cant really help it though, I dont like eating at peoples houses when I don't live there, it feels like I am taking, rather than it just me fulfilling my human needs. I also have to get rid of my cat more than likely... he has no where to go and it pains me to have to give him to another family.. I would love to avoid it but I have no choice. Hopefully the next family doesn't fail him like I did. I promise there is an ongoing pattern of just not being enough that I seem to encounter. like damn I cant even be enough to keep a damn feline! I feel like shit about that and it slowly starts to eat away at my mental conscious. I am trying my best to keep my integrity. I cant fold, I literally can NOT! if I lose my integrity I will literally have nothing to my name... at that point I would just want to end this shit. Which is such a painful thought, feeling like the only thing left of me is integrity... no cat, no car, fuck not even this job I hate working at, just integrity.... but hey if its kept me alive for this long maybe it means something more than it does just looking at it from face value. I hope to find peace of mind sometime next week, if I have to get rid of my cat..... I hope to find peace of mind within the next 6 months hahahahahaha #iwantokillmyself

Tuesday May 16th, 2023

[scythepalace]

On days like this optimism is so difficult to obtain. I feel so drained, and I honestly feel like no one would care to pay attention. Like I feel as if I spend my time catering to other people, having to be patient and understanding with everyone around me, without an ounce of consideration. I dont know maybe I am so hungry right now I am driving myself into delusion. Sometimes I wonder if this shit will really pay off... and not in the sense of I won't be successful, but in the sense of like.. will everything REALLY be worth it? Will I really get the happy ending? Will I really marry the woman I am with right now? Sometimes I question if the future I built for my self is so easily obtainable. Life has showed me on so many occasions that no matter how much planning you do, it will take its own course, so I dont blame myself for questioning shit like that. Well at least I get to go out and do something!!!! I am really going to push myself to start working out again as well just to add SOMETHING to my daily routine to switch it up... only thing is I gotta make sure to get back on top of my eating, because I lost like ALL the weight I was proud of gaining. It's hard though. I dont like eating at folks house because its not comforting for me... Like, I am sure it is already a bother I am on your couch, I couldn't imagine if I was taking food as well. So I just wait until I get to work to eat something... only thing is I haven't eaten anything since like 6 am.. which I am starting to feel right now. I kind of got used to the feeling of feeling like I am literally dying from the inside out, but even then I know it's not right!! Before I stop... let me just manifest this banking job! I WILL LEARN THE BUSINESS WORLD AND PREVAIL !!!!! I am feeling so mentally clocked out though, Ive felt like that for a while now... but fuck it I am still alive so I guess thats a sign to keep going :,))))

Sunday May 14th, 2023

[scythepalace]

I feel like life has been so damn boring lately. like I feel like a fucking corporate zombie. I know this cant be all that life has to offer, or im trying to convince myself that at least. I mean at least I don't feel like dying. I cant wait for this summer, I want to just be outside with friends, get back into skateboarding, go to parties, really live life for a second. I cant wait for me and my girlfriend to move in together!!! I mean it comes with a LOT of sacrifices, which is going to be REALLY hard to make, but I guess this is what adulthood is... you have to weigh out the good with the bad and choose which decision will help you prevail, so you won't be stuck. If my life stayed like how it is now, id deadass just end shit cause hell no. HELL no, especially this last month. Like I feel like shit has been so repetitive, I even got some stuff from a sex store for my girl to try/ wear, and that wasn't really nothing either. I mean I feel like days haven't even been necessarily dragging, they just happen with no fucking purpose at ALL! I did some drawing today though, to try to keep some type of creative integrity. I dont want my life to be survive survive survive survive... because then at that point I won't even be living. The whole point of me putting myself in the position (of being homeless before I even graduate high school) was to bust my ass hard enough to be able to take the creative leaps, and have the income to invest into my actual dreams. So! I gotta somehow keep my creativity sharp. I just cant wait for all of this shit to turn around for me. It fucking sucks ass right now but I KNOW things will get better with time, for the time being I will impulsively journal and blog to keep some type of mental capacity to get through this zombified ass days Ive been living lately..... goodnight :))))))

Friday May 12th, 2023

[scythepalace]

suicide seemed like such an easier concept to me when I felt as if I had nothing to live for. It’s almost like since the odds are against me more than ever now I fee like I HAVE to live. It probably makes no sense at all but it’s honestly been my mindset since the beginning of the year. Maybe it’s my way of coping with my mental health but shit it’s working so I’m not going to question it as much. Zen. That word has been running through my head since I started to meditate and try to expand my mindset when I was 13. Complete balance, it’s honestly what I hope to reach at some point. Money is cool l, fame sounds nice, but in reality I’d just wish to be comfortable , far away, completely calm and content. Not even understanding, but acknowledge and being comfortable with the things that run through my head, being comfortable with the flow of my body, having my mind body and spirit burning in sync, that’s completion. That is my end goal

April 20th, 2023

[scythepalace]

Even with the circumstances I’m in, I don’t see myself going back to how my life was a month go. Even with bouncing from house to house before I graduate highschool , barely eating , sleeping in uncomfortable situations , it feels like I can breathe. I have my integrity , I have my creativity , and I have drive to get out of the situation I’m in. Even with going to a job I cannot stand at the moment, I can still feel success on my finger tips. People usually sink or swim in the situation I’m in right now, but I’m only giving myself one option. Whether it’s getting a shitty job to survive for a bit , or getting put in a position to prevail in the way I envisioned, I’m going to make something work!!!!

April 19th, 2023

[scythepalace]

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[scythepalace]

[scythepalace]

[scythepalace]

[scythepalace]

I be questioning wtf I’m doing in this class . Wtf I’m doing wit people , and why I don’t just say fuck everything and everyone and do me. I just want to breathe. I want to do what I want , and not even on no narcissistic shit I jus wanna follow my passion and live by myself.

[scythepalace]

I hate this job :( can’t wait till everything pays off♥️