#i love love LOVE how it censors out things that literally have nothing to do with the tag

[starlightswordfight]

maybe .. THIS time .... the content filters will work

[paganinpurple]

AO3 Etiquette -UPDATED

Based on both decent and not so decent replies, I have made some changes to my original post below.

It would seem a whole new kind of AO3 reader/writer is emerging and it is becoming clear not everyone quite understands how the website community works. Here is some basic guidance on how most people expect you to go about using AO3 to keep this a fun community archive that funtions correctly:

As well as likes, kudos is for when the story was interesting enough to make you finish reading. If it sucked or was badly written, you probably left. If you finished it, you liked it - so kudos.

If you really liked it, you should try to comment. It can be long and detailed or a literal keysmash. Writers don't care, we just love comments.

No critisism unless the author has specifically asked or agreed to hear it (so use your notes to say if you want some constructive feedback). Even constructive critisism is a no-no unless an author note tells you it's okay. No, posting it online is not an open invitation for that. Many people write as a fun hobby or a way to cope with, among other things, insecurity and just want to share. Don't ruin that for them. I've seen so many authors just stop writing coz they can't handle the negative emotions the critism brings, and it's only meant to be a fun thing shared for free (pointing out tagging errors is not included in this).

Do not comment to ask the author to write/update something else. It's tacky and off-putting and will probably have the opposite effect than the one you want.

There is no algorithm, it's an archive. Use the search and filter function to add/remove the pairings/characters/tropes etc. you want to read about and it will find you the fics that fit the bill.

For this to work, writers must tag and rate stories. This avoids readers finding the wrong things and missing the stuff they want. I don't care how cringy that trope is in your eyes - it gets tagged.

The tag exception is if you don't want to tag a million things or spoil your story, you can rate it as "chose not to use warnings," and maybe tag the bare minimum.

Don't censor tags. How can someone exclude a tag if the word isn't typed out correctly? There are no content bans for terms so don't censor them.

If the tags are mostly content/trigger warnings, especially if they are things considered very fucked up or graphic, you might want to use "dead dove - do not eat" to ensure people know that you're not messing around with tags and what they get is exactly what you've warned them about.

Character A/Character B means a ROMANTIC or SEXUAL relationship of some kind. Character A&Character B is PLATONIC, like friendship or family.

Nothing is banned. This is an rule because banning one thing is a slipperly slope to banning another and another, until nothing is allowed anymore. Do not expect anyone to censor for you. Because of the tags system, you are responsible for your own reading experience.

People can create new chapters and sequels/fic series any time after they "complete" a story. So it's considered perfectly normal to subscribe, even to a finished story. You can even subscribe to the author instead just to cover your bases.

Do not repost stories or change the publishing date without an extremely good reason (like a complete top to bottom rewrite or an exchange youve written for going public). It's an archive, not social media. No one cares what's the most recent, only what fits their tag needs.

Instead of deleting a story you wrote if you hate it - consider making it anonymous or orphaning it so others can still enjoy it, without it being connected to your name anymore. If you still want to delete it, fair enough.

It's come to my attention that metaworks ARE allowed on AO3, which is something I wasn't aware of. So if you do post an essay or theory, please tag it as such so others can choose to search for it or exclude it. Art is also allowed.

The only reason this archive works is because NON ONE PROFITS. Do not link to your ko-fi or patreon or mention monetary gain in any way or you violate the terms and risk having your account removed. If anyone does link, it leaves the archive open to people claiming it's for profit and having the whole thing removed.

I KNOW there's plenty more I missed but I'm trying to cover most of the basics that people seem to be struggling with.

I invite anyone to add to this, but please explain, don't berate.

[nana-b0b]

》🔞 These panels are censored, you can go to the last of the post to find out where to see them!

A little historical info to better understand:

♡♡♡♡♡!!! I really feel happy and overcome with these panels, I was thinking a lot about how to make them since there were several obstacles: I had never drawn something NSFW before as it should be 😅 I never got that far so to speak, there was always a line that prevented me from taking that step, since it is not the same to draw some small scene where you only see something specific to a whole pose as such and all that implies. But after many ideas and turns I managed to take that step (maybe small for some but for me it was like reaching the moon 😂) and the most important and most feared was that the essence of the drawings and the style would be lost but I could keep it well and make it coexist ♡.

Note: as for the text accompanying the panels I want to say that it's not my best work as a narrator hahaha I don't write anything since I was about fifteen and it was my era of fanfics and stuff, so I feel its very basic and empty! 😅 ♥!

Now, let's talk a bit about the panels! Well, as we all knew this moment was coming, it was no surprise -3- Ryomen really had to be patient to get what he had been thinking for a while, but he didn't want it to be something random as it could be with any woman he wanted, he was really curious to see how Aurora could look like with the full appearance of a lady of the Heian era and when he saw her, he just couldn't resist. One thing will be clear: Aurora won't wear black teeth again, there will be no way to paint her teeth again without someone losing a limb. As for her eyebrows: she's really mad about that, but I'll let it go.

And to close this post I come with a novelty (I've been thinking about this for days) now we are going to be able to have these drawings completely uncensored on patreon.

I'm not going to lie, using more than two social networks for me is already a lot 😥 if it were up to me I would only post everything in one place but we know how the rules are and we have to respect them, if just by showing a nipple (which is a pixel 😂 ) they almost censored me on Instagram I knew this would be difficult and Tumblr is not lagging behind, while there are things that it lets pass there are others that it doesn't and it's not nice to have to make such complex drawings so that the AI doesn't detect them as 🔞 since there comes a certain point that you get tired too and it loses the grace.

My patreon will be the place for all my works 🔞 without any censorship already, you are going to be able to enjoy both public and private content depending on the type of work ♡. I think also for me it's an incentive to be able to start letting go more of my ideas and continue with everything I want to do :)

To say goodbye first I want to always thank you for all the support you give me and all your messages 🖤 and second to warn you that this CAP of Ren will be in patreon already published privately but all the other censored drawings are public for you to see and enjoy them as they should ⭐

Here are the publications that I censored and that you can now see, there are not many at the moment x'D

[pastryjay]

I know some OFMD fans have become more biased against Izzy content, Izzy fans, and Con himself due to two years of discourse, and I get it, but that is not an excuse for this. Some people have to be more careful/ respectful of the way they talk about Con O'Neill.

Context: he streamed a workshop about creative insults titled 'How To f*ck off with Con O'Neill'. This was explicitly stated to be for people 18+ only. At one point, he was seen briefly wearing only boxer shorts and a t-shirt in his own home. This was in a non-sexual context - he was just sitting down. Now, he's being called out for sexual harrassment and indecent exposure because of that.

Firstly, i'd like to say that anybody loudly offended by this 'incident' has made it clear that they didn't attend the workshop, and those who did attend are fine with it. The Venn diagram of people who wanted to attend that event and people who love Con's cheeky humour is a circle. Con knows his audience and his audience know him. You, random person who doesn't like Con much anyway, don't have to like it but it making you uncomfortable doesn't mean it is morally wrong.

It's important to note that Con O'Neill is open about being queer and proud about that. He is not shy about his sexuality or willing to censor his queerness e.g. he's not afraid to make suggestive (but not overly explicit) jokes or show his support for queer fanart. That is a good thing! It reeks of homophobia seeing him getting accused of being perverted just for existing as himself. It's not the first time either. In the past, OFMD fans have called him gross, a freak and creepy for sharing suggestive fanart to his Instagram.

It's wild to see all the focus on a cheeky, harmless moment when there are so, so many real issues in the world. Countless people are out there committing real sexual harrassment daily. Focusing on this queer man over nothing is dangerous. Accusing queer people of preying on those around them just by existing is literally right-wing rhetoric. Especially as there is a bigger push than ever from right-wing politicians to paint queer people as dangerous predators. Censorship, homophobia and puritanism is not welcome in the fandom for a show about queer joy.

Lastly, To the people mad about this: Why are you fine with anybody posting thirst traps online or people existing in swimwear in public, but you cry about 'not consenting' to seeing a queer man in boxer shorts and a shirt? Why are you upset about Con doing this, but love it when Rhys Darby posts shirtless photos to his Insta stories for fans? Why is it okay for most people to be comfortable in their sexuality/ their own body... but not Con?

I know the kind of people who need to see this probably won't take any of it on board, but it is really uncomfortable to see the way some people are talking. If many people like myself (I have been very critical of some Izzy fans and mostly avoid Izzy content) disagree with you, maybe you should re-think what you are saying.

[itrithenbartist]

lil spicy hc's for sdj

literally 18+, any and all blogs that's ageless DNI otherwise you'll be blocked. Any minors DNI.

so with all that out of the way, here's my personal thought process for the dang man. also this is going to be gn for everyone to enjoy. and try to censor myself as much as possible so i don't get clocked by tumblr lol...also added is that i only recently got into this game and that i don't know everything so im sorry if there's a lot of things that aren't really good listed...thank you <333

-of course if you played the extended demo, you know he loves to praise mc, right? Oh man now can you just imagine the power he has??? Mr. Jack will use that for basically anything like to condition mc to go back to him...sort of like pavlov's experiment.

-now, if you uno reverse poor jackie boy...the outcomes is without fail, so good. he'd be all flush and whiney, immediately just do everything he can just to be told he's good. he's not above groveling. just to hear mc call him "good boy" makes him into a puddle of jello.

-now putting into perspective of joseph/jack...one's weakness doesn't go away when they transform. the weakness is the filthiest sloppy toppy mc can give. it doesn't even have to be that good, pretty sure especially jack would just love seeing how excited mc is to give it...he's about to blow no matter what...

-he loves giving head, favorite thing ever to do. sure he can stick it in...but why would he do that when he can give mc the best head they've ever had in their life??? he has to make mc nut (i hate how i have to use that) at least, like 2-3x before he even Considers helping himself. what a gentleman.

-is 100% okay with letting mc top. proper equipment or bought equipment, doesn't matter, he would be so proud of mc. the entire time he's getting absolutely demolished and ravaged by mc, he's still praising them, telling how good they feel, and how good they are to him.

-obviously we've seen how he tops, how he absolutely loves tearing mc apart and putting them back together again...he just adores watching mc's face as they get closer and closer to the edge. the best pleasure for him is to see mc getting the pleasure they deserve

-most def a tease. he always wants to please mc, don't get him wrong. but also he loves how borderline delirious he's made mc, making them work hard and 'earn it'...of course his rewards is so delicious.

-now if mc would flip the table on him...he'd be putty in their hands...and he would be pouting the entire time. being unable to do anything but just sweetly beg for some release off his c*ck...

-if mc says anything about how big he is...it's a wrap. jack is not egotistical in the slightest, but he will no forget what mc said. will be thinking about it Forever

-we all know the premise of the game, he's so possessive it's safe to assume he'd leave Marks all over mc's body. only stops putting it in visible places when mc complains how many times parents scolded them for leaving the apartment like that

Here's a bit softer hc's i think:

-loves when mc and him laugh during s*x...it makes him so elated that even when mc is asleep, he replays the memory in his head over and over again

-he's been locked in that tape for so long...of course he's touch starved. this man Yearns for any form of affection.

-genuinely loves to get to know mc, their favorite music, and pictures, and just everything, it makes him so happy to know everything about mc

-going back to about how he wants so much affection and attention...literally is the epitome of when someone says "i want to crawl into their skin, that's the only way i can be close enough"...yea that's him. cannot stand being without mc's touch for a second.

-loves when mc does small...nothings. like simple things that most people would just skip over. take for granted...not him, not jack. jack would worship everything that mc does.

last one:

-jack/joseph love fat mc. like big belly, smaller belly, whatever. apron belly? muffin top? they eat that shit up daily. chef's kiss thank you for coming to my ted talk

[katasstrophy]

I feel like I've seen every Bluelock boy paired with a very cute, very bubbly, and chill gf/reader before, but I haven't seen any of them paired with a cool and competent or even bossier type. Are there any guys you think of liking that type??? Or maybe just deserve that type to be kept in line lmao 🤣

nonnie!! 😳 NONNIE UR BRAIN I’M GIVING IT A THOUSAND KISSES UR SOOO RIGHT FOR THIS!!! i guess it doesn’t really show with the fics i’ve uploaded so far – which is a damn shame, i should fix that – but i am absolutely all for readers who are just… out there, ya know? they’re prickly, or easy to anger, or sardonic as all hell, or way too clever for their own good or yes yes, bossy<3 i eat that shit UP like it’s my last meal. this is not to say i don’t enjoy sweet, bubbly readers (bc i do!) but the type you describe just… scratches a certain itch iykwim 👁️👁️

i think one of my first posts ever about blue lock on this blog (cw. mid writing LMAO) was exactly about this. obviously most of the blue lock guys are only extreme egoists when they’re playing soccer, but i do think that aspect of their lives will ultimately start to bleed into their personality as they grow up/go pro. so having someone who’s just like “yeah that’s great and all but if you won’t make it to date night i’ll leave your sorry ass” is just. so sexy to them like?? they haven’t gotten their ego knocked down a peg in a while so i think they’d be drawn to a partner like that askdhxnbz idk if i’m explaining this very well but as far as i’m concerned all blue lock boys deserve an unhinged reader lol 😤

THAT BEING SAID!!! >:))) i have a top three list of blue lock men who i, personally, would love to put in their place and encourage anyone out there to do so as well LOL

1. MICHAEL KAISER — this cocky motherfucker ugh need i say more 🙄 the urge to censor his name was real strong but i persevered still cannot believe i’m (sadly) attracted to this horrible, horrible man. he’s sooo insufferable and just so obsessed with himself like he unironically refers to himself as the emperor when i tell you there’s nothing i want more than to make this man beg on his knees i mean it – what a pretty sight that would be hm? <3 all his past lovers probably treated him like he was god’s greatest gift to women (HE IS NOT) – and by now he’s not only used to it but comes to expect it – so when he meets you and you’re like “mm you’re kind of a prick leave me alone thenk yew✨✨” he’s just. so scandalized LMFAO suddenly he’s the one chasing after you and vying for a shred of your attention oooohh yes that’s exactly what he deserves how it should be

2. ITOSHI SAE — listen he might be my precious babygirl now but i used to hate this mans guts like no other and that little resentment still lives on in my heart in the form of wanting this man’s downfall to be a woman like don’t tell me that’s not the hottest thing you’ve ever heard. he’s just so single-mindedly focused on soccer – japan’s treasure and what not – and thinks he can get away with being an asshole because of it but you place down your foot and tell him to cut the bullshit or you’ll find someone who treats you better (AMEN SISTER) and suddenly he’s grappling with the reality that shit he might just fall apart without you yes girl make him suffer

3. OLIVER AIKU — i couldn’t not include the resident fuckboy here mmmm the possibilities for him are endless and each one more delicious than the last. he might not be as insufferable as the others but he still thinks extremely highly of himself, especially when it comes to his way with the ladies. typical “oh no i don’t do relationships” kinda guy who can show you a good time for a night before dipping in the morning – and you just don’t want that. so you reject his advances, say you’re not interested and move on, but for some reason, oliver can’t. literally physically wounds his pride when he crawls back for a second chance but you don’t budge, still wary of him due to his past behavior unless he can show you otherwise. and the way he scrambles to prove himself as trustworthy to you? god tier groveling from a man YUMM

[alice-after-dark]

okay wait ive got 2:

1) when people portray vox as a cringefail loserboy whos whipped to heaven and back for either al or val

2) when people act like r*dioapple has more foundation in canon than any other alastor ship

Hello friend!!!

Okay, hard agree on both fronts.

(putting under a cut cause this got long oops)

On the first one, fucking THIS. Vox is flamboyant and theatrical and he definitely has a temper, but everyone seems to forget that he is LITERALLY introduced to us as a manipulator of the masses. Like I adore the press conference scene. This is who Vox is to the rest of Hell. People take him very seriously. When the accelerated extermination is announced, people rush to get his opinion. Fuck, they don't even do that to Charlie, the literal Princess of Hell! Vox has his moments sure, but defining him by the occasional cringe is like defining Charlie by that one instance where she was having her conspiracy board red string moment and losing her damned mind trying to figure out what to do to get her plan to work. That's not who the character is at their core. And Vox is most certainly not whipped. There may have been a time in his life where he was for Alastor, but even if that was the case, that time is long dead. Literally the moment he finds out Alastor is back, he launches an attack. That's not whipped and I don't think he really ever could be. Whatever happened between them clearly caused him a good amount of pain and even if things get better between them, I don't think they'll ever have what they once did. At least not right away. As for Valentino, it's called damage control, not being whipped.

On the second one, not gonna lie, I don't pay all that much attention to R*dioApple (censoring out of courtesy because that's how the ask was sent) so I've never seen this claim, but I totally get why that would be frustrating and kinda bs. I may be a ship-what-you-want-to-ship kind of person, but uh...yeah it's made pretty clear at every opportunity that Alastor and Lucifer don't like each other, so to claim they have the strongest foundation in canon as a ship is a little...yeah, no. Like, I get it, I'm a RadioStatic shipper and there is definitely problems between Vox and Alastor, but we know that they have some kind of history and that they, at minimum, were friends (referencing the photo and Alastor's "old pal" comment"). We know canonically that Lucifer and Alastor met for the first time canonically in episode 5 and Alastor instantly felt threatened and went on the attack. That's not a solid foundation for canon.

Again, if you like R*dioApple , THAT'S TOTALLY FINE! YOU DO YOU! It's not my cup of tea, but that doesn't matter! If you like it, go forth and enjoy! But be realistic. There is nothing wrong with liking something that doesn't have a strong canon basis and you don't need to force one to ship something. Fuck, I do it all the time! My favorite ship in this fandom also currently hate each other! And I love me some good ol' they've-never-even-met-but-fuck-they-would-be-so-interesting. Shipping something purely because you enjoy the potential dynamic is totally legit!

[anxious-critter]

A Few Days Ago There Was A Small Discussion On Twitter About A YouTuber Who Claimed That Rayman Fans Should Be Disappointed With His CLH Version. ~

I Think It's Very Presumptuous For People To Say That Ramon In CLH Is Disrespectful To The Original When Both Characters Are Literally The Same Person Who Ended Up Going Through Different Lifes Experiences.

Let's Do A Little Character Analysis? ;)

First Of All Just Letting You Know That My Area Of Study Is In The Phenomenology Of Perception, So We'll See How The Way Ramon Perceives The World Around Him Has Shaped Who He Is.

I Also Think It's Important To Highlight That This Analysis Should Not Be Aimed At Real People, So Please Don't Derail. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

We Start With The Fact That Ramon Moved Into Dolph's Reality At A Very Young Age, He Probably Grew Up Isolated And Rejected From Society With The feeling Of Being The Only One Of His Kind And He Remained The Aloof "Weirdo" Even When Eden Arose.

He Became The Funny Charismatic Creature, A Mascot For Eden, Even With The Spotlight On Himself He Continued To Be Dehumanized By Those Around Him.

Observing His Home We Can Notice How Empty It Is, The Furniture Is Small Because Of His Height Which Makes The Apartment Seem Even Bigger, With The Exception Of The Tv, This Not Only Demonstrates The Way He Feels Among Humans [Such A Small Being In A World That Doesn't Welcome Him Very Well], But Also In The Way That "Being On Tv" Occupies A Large Part Of His Life.

And We Also Have All This Mess, This Not Only Indicates That He Doesn't Want Cleaners In His Apartment, This Also Ends Up Demonstrating His Mental State... A Complete Mess.

He Really Cares About Children, Especially Hybrid Children Because He Sees Himself In Them, He Genuinely Believed He Was An Inspiration To Them But In The End He Was Just A Puppet Being Used By Those Who Practice Everything He So Abhors.

Suffering Speciesism From Red And Being Censored When Trying To Defend Himself Was Also A Trigger For Him And That's Why He Got So Drunk That Night. Money, Fame, Eden, None Of This Prevented Him From Suffering Discrimination Again. Things Don't Get Better For Minorities, In The End.

About Substance Abuse, People Will Try To Deal With Their Traumas And Loneliness In Many Different Ways And Substance Abuse Ends Up Being One Of Them, Basically An Escape Route From His Own Mind. It's Not Pleasant To See, But It Unfortunately Happens.

Knowing That Things Are Not As He Thinks And That He Was Being A Part Of This Was Too Much For Him, He Never Wanted Something Like This After All And As If It Wasn't Enough To Be Replaced Soon After, They Were Never Interested In Who He Was On The Inside, They Just Wanted A Friendly And Face To Spread Their Lies.

Rayman Using Weapons Is Nothing New And Knowing That Ramon Doesn't Have Powers [Or Doesn't Know How To Use Them] Using Guns Ended Up Being The Safest Way For Him, Killing The Council Was Not Just An Act Of Revenge, It Was Also An Act Of Despair, Fear, Guilt And Anger.

So On One Side We Have Rayman, Who Grew Up In A Healthy Environment With Loved Ones Around Him And On The Other Side We Have Ramon, Who Has Spent His Entire Life Trying To Fit In And Begging, Begging For Mercy, Begging For A Job, Begging For Acceptance...

In The End, They End Up Being The Same, But They Have Gone Through Different Life Experiences And Different Ways Of Dealing With Life's Difficulties, In The End, The Way We Perceive The World Around Us Ends Up Shaping Who We Are.

This Turned Out To Be Simpler Than I Intended, But Thanks For Reading. (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

MY FIRST TEXT HERE YAY!!! ＼⁠(⁠◎⁠o⁠◎⁠)⁠／

[popstart]

Ok, i Saw that post about you complaining about How Gw*ncan shippers are racist to Courtney.

Can you give one example of that?

I had to go through my blocked accounts list to get this shit and it made me wanna shoot myself 20 times in the head so its not gonna be 1000% comprehensive bc i think that would qualify as self harm. ANYWAYS.

the biggest one is the massive amount of double standards and hypocrisy these people have between duncan and courtney (+ gw*ncan and duncney. censoring makes me feel like a child but i dont want people finding this post when theyre looking for ship content)

when the white man is "hostile but theres more to him than that" and when people call the white boy a "horrible person but hes literally a child" but courtney (and sierra) should be beaten to death because theyre obviously unable to be complex characters or children. its a really classic example of expecting women (ESPECIALLY of color) to grow up faster than men and having higher expectations of them

another example of weird violence and double standards people have towards courtney while not caring about anything either white character has done. post not made by the same person but it is reblogged by them

and ive posted this before because it seriously baffles me but this is just such an extreme reaction to a character existing. also the constant comparison to animals and dehumanization these people push onto courtney doesnt get past me. like calling a character a cunt and comparing her/her fans to tapeworms. get real man

and sure. this could all be a gross exaggeration on my part because theres just no way all of this is meant to be taken 1000% seriously, its just such a weird pattern to see. people constantly praising two white characters for doing nothing wrong and for being perfect and happy and healthy (despite the show frequently showing the contrary) while completely ignoring and shitting on a 16 year old brown girl in entirely absurd ways. These people genuinely believe that gwen and duncan are innocent, with the biggest thing they takeaway is that theyre "flawed but still good and complex."

anyways do i find it accurate to call these people definitive racists/misogynists? not rly no. i just think its extremely telling how much they praise two white characters for being pure and innocent and doing nothing ever wrong when provided with textbook evidence that its not the case.

like you can love any character (or ship) you want but love them WITH their flaws and recognize that nothing is perfect. in 0 way am i saying that liking duncan or gw*ncan is terrible and awful and should be grounds for public execution and im also not saying that courtney is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love her forever. im just asking for a mutual respect that doesnt seem to exist for these people. everything has flaws, but blowing out of proportion the flaws of things (or characters) you dont like gets very very icky and hypocritical when you turn around and praise something that had very similar fall outs

[tokimaeki]

Making a post about Sasha and Milla's respective traumas and how they handle them, bc I'm obsessed with the way they foil one another. Read below for my takes:

SO. In Sasha's Shooting Gallery, Sasha's mindscape is a big, mechanical cube. It's sleek. It's clean. It's perfectly controlled, just like Sasha himself.

Then Raz starts messing with the lever, and things start going wrong very quickly. It only takes one mistake for Sasha's childhood traumas to come bursting out of the cube in a way that is far less organized than his mindscape would like to have you think. What's more, these childhood traumas aren't exactly well-organized. Each side is haphazardly cluttered, as if the memories were just shoved inside the cube with no thought given how well they'd fit.

It's sort of like how, when cleaning my room as a kid, I'd just shove all my stuff into the closet and shut the door before it could all tumble out. Sure, the room looks great now-- but once I mess up and accidentally open that door, it's going to take a lot of work to get things back to normal.

And the same thing happens in Sasha's mind. Once one repressed trauma bursts out, it doesn't take long for another to follow suit. And another. And another. Raz can't stop them from coming out, and by the time he's managed to deal with one side of the cube, another one has already popped open. And of course, this all culminates in a giant Censor coming out to promptly beat the tar out of Sasha. It takes a lot of time, effort, and pain to get Sasha's mind back in order.

Meanwhile, Milla's mind is, for the entirety of her stage, perfectly stable-- despite her tragic backstory of her orphanage burning down in a fire, the psychic screams of the children in her care echoing in her mind. Why is that? Well, it's because Milla's traumatic memories and other painful emotions are safely sequestered off the beaten path, in that little locked room of fire and brimstone.

At first, I thought this was another case of a character dealing with their trauma in an unhealthy way. I mean, she's literally locking away her negative thoughts! That can't possibly be healthy, right?

But then it hit me. While Milla has put her thoughts in a part of her mind that's difficult to access, they're not really 'locked away.' in fact, you can access them pretty easily, as long as you know what you're doing and what steps you have to take. And once you do get there, the nightmares can't hurt you. They're scary to confront, sure. It's heartbreaking and distressing to hear the children's screams for help. But nothing in that room physically harms you.

And that's the beauty of Milla's mind. Similarly to Sasha, she successfully copes with her trauma by compartmentalizing it, putting it in a spot where it can't hurt herself or others. But unlike Sasha, Milla's pain is accessible. It's easily reachable, but near impossible to stumble into accidentally. And most importantly, it isn't going to come bursting out and causing mayhem if you make a mistake somewhere.

I love the way these two's minds foil one another. It's such a good example of unhealthy repression VS healthy compartmentalization.

[mothmanssweetsucculentass]

Bloody Painter Headcanons

Did y’all miss these? Idc if this seems like a weird direction to go from my past two HC lists, I’ve always loved Helen as a character and I just went and read up on all the compiled lore DeluCat made of him years ago, and I got some HCs fresh in my mind!

I used THIS YouTube video from DeluCat herself as my main source, assume anything I don’t list/discuss here is filled in by anything here. I’m actually really impressed that she did so much research on different serial killers, psych ward operations, and violent crimes to make Helen as realistic as possible.

Expect canon typical horror/mature topics being discussed from this point forward, nothing is censored beyond this point!!!!

Roughly about 25, give or take a few years

STRICTLY he/him, will react violently if anyone calls him different pronouns, especially feminine ones

Despite this, he’s definitely not cis (it’s actually canon that he’s agender! Friendly reminder that pronouns =/= gender)

Like bro you were literally raised to have a gender crisis. Everyone point and laugh at the egg

Jeff used she/her for him once as a joke and he still has deep scars from what Helen decided to do to him

Like I shit you not, Helen took a sizable chunk of skin out of Jeff’s back, and only stopped because Eyeless Jack physically had to hold him back until Jeff left his line of sight

You wouldn’t even expect such violent outbursts from this guy considering how normally calm he is

Barely talks at all tbh

Like, he’ll interact politely with most of the residents of the mansion and isn’t turned off by conversation, but don’t expect him to hold a full conversation if he deems you boring or unimportant

Which tbh he probably will, he’s not super big on friendships considering how his last one went

Mostly prefers to keep to himself and is often in the more run down/abandoned wings of the manor

Has a naturally more feminine looking face (long eyelashes, smaller nose, etc) and does nothing to try and fix/hide it

Has converted one of the dilapidated rooms into an “art” studio

And by art. Heh. Let’s just say. Corpses

No actually he really just has an entire room dedicated to some of the most fucked up art a person is capable of making

Sculptures made out of bones and flesh, jars filled with coagulated blood submerging his taxidermy projects, eyeball jewelry, teeth jewelry, paint made from pummeled organs and flesh, brandings and etchings on stretched human skin, plushies made of human hair, he’s got it all

He also makes more “normal” art, which in reality is just more traditional mediums that still depict his usual obsessions with violence

Has gotten used to the scent of rot and decay like pretty much every resident has, but is one of the few who enjoys it

Is very selfish, self centered, and has an ego larger than Texas

Him and Ben have a somewhat transactional relationship; Helen films all the depraved torture and crafting he enacts and shares it with Ben, and Ben prints out news articles of Helen’s crimes for Helen to make art with, or just look at to admire his handiwork

ZERO empathy. His morals heavily align with the BEN AI, and even somewhat Slenderman’s

Hates animals. Not cause he’s scared of them or anything, but because he finds their existence useless

…unless he’s using it for fucked up taxidermy

LOVES torture the same way Eyelss Jack loves vivisections

One of his favorite things to do is rip a person’s fingernails out one by one, and then severing the hand and using the bleeding nail beds as the world’s most fucked up large paintbrush

Besides art, he loves to read. Kind of a given considering he’s basically the quiet kid

Loves depraved horror novels and serial killer memoirs/autobiographies

Can speak fluent Chinese, and often shit talks other pastas to their faces without them even knowing

Kagekao learned Chinese just so the two could gossip

Similar to EJ, has a more “buff” physique and has been seen breaking bones effortlessly. When you’ve been murdering steadily for over a decade at this point you kinda just learn where the weak/break points are in the human body

Can improvise anything into a weapon

Actually he really loves killing people with unconventional murder weapons. Scenes are often found with things like metal straws lodged in a victim’s sternum, or the top of a bowling pin shoved down a victim’s throat so far their jaw broke and the victim subsequently choked on their own blood from their shattered teeth

He’s gotten so good at this that the other pastas will literally make a game out of it and challenge him to use an outlandish item as a weapon the next time he kills

“Okay okay how about a bong” “are you being serious right now” “just answer the question art boy” “twice, actually. Though technically I think one of them was a really weird ceramic frog instead. That, or a pcp pipe.” “Awesome”

Hates removing his mask around anyone he’s not acquainted with

Gets reeeaaalll fuckin quiet too

Has gotten so good at being stealthy he doesn’t even alert or startle people like Eyeless Jack does

Surprisingly enough he actually gets enough sleep compared to most of the other residents of the manor

He’s also able to get comfortable and sleep practically anywhere, in the weirdest positions too. Is often found passed out in his studio sitting up, or laying on the floor covered in metal torture tools and bones

Despite his lack of empathy, his blood boils and he seethes if anyone dares to mess with Sally

The first day he stumbled across the manor and introduced himself by what the media called him, Sally gave him a drawing of himself, and he vowed on the spot to look out for the little snot

Is already a naturally patient person, and is incredibly patient and gentle when explaining how to do specific art things to Sally

Jokingly “agrees” with Sally about not liking doctors whenever she’s around eyeless Jack (though in his case he hates psych doctors vastly more than physical ailment doctors)

Back to the patience thing: will stalk a victim for months to toy with them. He has an eternity to do this to people with his newfound abilities granted to him by slenderman, why rush?

Helen 🤝 BEN/Ben = malewhore mansplain manipulate

Will say anything to get what he wants

Thinks in a very transactional and technical way. If you don’t do or offer something to benefit him first, he doesn’t even see you as a person

Is friends/close with: Sally, Eyeless Jack, BEN/Ben, Jason, Ann, and KageKao

Has a tolerable relationship with/is very neutral about: Masky, Hoody, Jane, Liu, Puppeteer, LJ, and Slenderman

Doesn’t get along with/HATES: clockwork, Nina, and Jeff

Him and Jason often collaborate together on pieces involving still living people

Him and Ann have a mutual distaste for doctors/hospital settings, and can often be found stitching up their wounds (or sometimes in Helen’s case a piece involving human flesh) together

Ace, heavily questioning if he’s aro too

He finds Ann aesthetically pleasing to look at, but his thoughts don’t go any further than that. Often uses her as figure practice (with her consent)

Is mainly fascinated by the fact she’s a walking sentient corpse

Tried cannibalism once, wasn’t a fan

Tried going to both Eyeless Jack and Ann once during a dysphoria-spurred panic attack and begged for bottom surgery

“But why tho” “I’m ace. I don’t need it. Don’t women who never want to get pregnant get rid of their uteruses anyways?” “Well, yes, but-“ “so help me god get this thing off my body”

Obviously one of the few times he actually doesn’t appear calm and put together to people. Tries his damn hardest to hide these panic attacks unless around Eyeless Jack or Ann. Would be mortified if Ben, Sally, or any of the loud judgmental pastas saw him in this state

Gives a lot of his full corpse art pieces a physical sex swap

You’re dead but hey free top surgery and you get to be fucked up art

Honestly doesn’t give a shit about symbolism, makes art of whatever he wants/feels like and makes it pretty clear there’s no hidden meaning

[kumakuma-circus]

burning men's soul is the funniest persona thing to me. here's me trying to make sense of the lyrics (mostly under the cut).

"check it out, i'm in the house like carpet"

this line implies that being in the house like carpet is somehow different than being in the house normally because it is. completely unnecessary to specify otherwise. i don't know how being in the house like carpet is different though does it just mean you're not allowed in the bathroom and kitchen.

"and if there's too many heads in my blunt i won't spark it"

my friend pointed out that this is probably meant to be saying "hits" which makes a lot more sense but literally everyone i've seen has written it as heads. and even if it is hits it doesn't really make sense because then he should spark it probably???

"i'll put it in my pocket and save it like rocket fuel 'till everybody's gone, and it's cool"

i don't even know what to say about this one. do people commonly save rocket fuel??? also i don't know if putting a blunt in your pocket is a good idea.

"then i spark it up with my brother. his momma named him moe, but i call him moe lover"

does moe have extreme levels of rizz.

"and he's more than a cover he's a quilt"

all i can think of here is that like. quilts are generally more fancy than covers??? it's still an insane metaphor though.

"and we're putting shit together like the house that john built on the hill"

who is john. why did he build a house on the hill.

"cuz this shit's gonna feel like velvet, turtle"

this line is fine until he says turtle. which is probably just to rhyme with the next line but i feel like there's a better way to do that then just. randomly saying turtle.

"my style fits tighter than a girdle"

oh wow a sensical line for once. shocking.

"if ya hate it then you can just leave it, like beaver"

okay we're back to nonsense. why is he talking about beavers. are beavers well known for leaving??? i again think this is just to rhyme with the next line but i also again think there's a better way to execute that-

"cuz in a day or two, i'll make you a true believer in me"

okay sure. another sensical line. even if it still doesn't have anything to do with beavers-

"'cause like the alphabet, you'll 'c'"

okay that's. actually a decent line for once. pff.

"that 'ism kicks a rhyme not your everyday soliloquy"

???

"like chef boyardee, my rhymes are truly cookin'"

chef boyardee literally makes canned food that requires next to no cooking. the singer is openly admitting that his rhymes are not, in fact, cooking and i love that.

"peace to matty rich, 'cause he's straight out of brooklyn, new york"

,,, yeah no i got nothing.

"i don't eat pork or swine when i dine"

good for you???

"i drink a cup of kool-aid, not a big glass of wine, or a henn, heine"

this is my favorite line honestly. the lyric is presumably actually meant to be referring to a beer called heineken, which was probably censored for copyright reasons but. they didn't bother trying to censor kool-aid-

"if you have time, then i'll drop rhyme again"

please don't.

[aholotte]

All of this hatred for Elemental is so corny. I understand where people are coming from: you have all of these forbidden love stories with straight people, and people will watch these and then go out and be homophobic. Even so, this movie has NOTHING to do with Disney censoring LGBTQ+ representation. The story is important to the director because it was inspired by his interracial relationship and how his parents (and society) reacted to it. Yet all of these white gays want to make everything about themselves and accuse the movie of being homophobic, while disregarding how interracial relationships, straight or otherwise, have been discriminated in society. (Before you accuse me of being homophobic, I am queer myself)

If you don’t like the movie? Fine whatever that’s your prerogative. But actively nitpicking every single damn thing about the movie and hoping that it flops? Please get a life instead of getting so angry over a movie. Y’all genuinely don’t care for animation and animators whatsoever. We can advocate for more LGBTQ+ characters and no censorship instead of attacking other movies. Or maybe, just maybe, you could seek out indie queer content instead of relying on a corporation for it.

(Banner just in case this blows up)

EDIT: Now the narrative has shifted to “it’s a bad allegory for racism” even though the damn movie isn’t out yet! The director is literally Korean, and the voice actors playing Wade and Ember are also ethnic minorities (Wade’s VA is black and Ember’s is Chinese-American). I don’t think it will be like Zootopia, where it was like “oh it’s justified that we oppress certain animals because they are inherently dangerous.”

They also say “why not tell a story with real people?” “Don’t make it an allegory” IT’S A FUCKING PIXAR MOVIE YOU BLOCKHEADS. All of their movies are about talking inanimate objects, and even their movies about humans have fantastical elements. For example, Turning Red uses Mei’s turning into a red panda as an allegory for puberty. The Toy Story movies represent everything from parent-child relationships to the stages of life. Finding Nemo is about the stages of grief. Monsters Inc is about capitalism, and so on.

Istg y’all are just looking for reasons to hate the movie. Grow the fuck up.

[jazeswhbhaven]

Hi, I'm not usually one to talk, I've had my account for years and never really posted anything. But I'm beyond annoyed about this freaking game. (I'm sorry I’m about to rant please forgive me 🙏🙏🙏)

Like how are you going to make a SEX GAME for 12 year olds? 12 year olds aren't even teens.....like at all to even begin with that's like 6th or 7th grade.....I haven't even really been playing the game that much just interacting with the fandom because this game gives us CRUMBS!!!! like cps should be called for what little food we are getting and at this point I'm like.....what is good about this game????? The only thing I can think of is the characters/character art and the CONCEPT of the game. There's barely a story, obviously favoritism between the Kings, already bad H scenes, bad gameplay, bad company communication with the fandom.... it's just so annoying to support them.....I heard that they have a bigger company behind them but I don't know if it's true but regardless if it is or isn't they seem to be bad at everything they have tried to do. I'm not sure how good their previous stuff was before whb but they should have thought more things out before releasing the game and made multiple things clear about how the game would work because this happening after only a year of nothing will tank this game. I only have the one on the app store (the more sfw one?) and not ero labs because I didn't know when it frost came out that they would have the app store one censored. Now I have the cards since the beginning of the game like Minnie's card and I was okay with not seeing 🍆 but now I won't be able to see or read shit or do shit with this mediocre game. I'm so annoyed cause I love the concept and the fandom and characters but holy crap do these people even know what they're doing????? Erasing everything that makes your game your game is absolutely stupid. I don't even know who to blame at this point, I'm feeling very resentful to the company for making me like the characters and having a good concept like why couldn't you just have a shitty ass concept and characters with your mediocre at best game with your even shitter management? Then I would have never even looked at this game. How do you think removing a core part of your game would affect the fandom? You will lose your core fandom just to have CHILDREN play your game? What about your other game??? Coming up with another idea??? LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE??? WHY EVEN MAKE IT A SEX GAME IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU WERE GOING TO DO THIS???? Obey me was good and it didn't have any of this if you started it out being sfw all together you would have been fine since you would be like every other bitch....just not as many players....why? BECAUSE YOU MARKETED A HORNY PORN GAME TO PEOPLE AND ARE NOW TRYING TO CHANGE THE THING THAT MAKES YOUR GAME DIFFERENT! WHERE DO YOU GET THE AUDACITY TO THINK PEOPLE WILL STAY AROUND WHEN THEY LOSE THE MAIN APPEAL OF THE WHOLE. FUCKING. POINT. OF. YOUR. GAME.???

Sorry for my rant I have no one to talk to about this, I'm just really upset to lose something that could have been so good but I guess corporate greed is more important than anything else 🫤 hopefully someone will rewrite it in a good ass fanfic or something ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I feel that you and many other players new and old feel the same about this company turning around to make something 12+ when it started off as a porn centered/adult only game.

They aren't the first ones to do this, and the other fandoms too had their issues about companies making a decision to turn a NSFW game into SFW even if they scrubbed it clean enough for a younger audience to play. This game and those games were never for minors and don't need to be. This space ain't for them especially given the themes and content that's in WHB just from the main story alone.

At the same time, my overall gripe about this game, is that what the transparency and expectations given to me from the company has been a huge let down. I don't think I'd mind the monthly NP's if we consistently had chapters out for the main story within the timeframe given and a good balance of cards available for the kings instead of the barely any for Satan but damn near double the amount of cards for Beel and Levi. If I were to compare this game to ObM which I don't like doing because they aren't remotely the same...is that I prefer WHB's story (collectively not just the main) whereas I only liked ObM's story up until a certain point. I only really stayed for the fandom and then I was like "yeah no" and left that fandom. Not that it matters that I left anyway because all of my progress on the OG ObM game was lost cause my old phone got damaged in the laundry machine 💀 Which brings me to the reason I don't like spending money on virtual things nor gacha. If the server shuts down, the app doesn't update with the new tech, or if an unfortunate thing happens like it did to me all of that money and time is gone. I could have invested that in something tangible/physical or just anything else.

With that being said, I've been slowly working on writing the H-scenes in my own way with my MC so there's that. It's been something on my mind for a minute now on doing...

[aachria]

Dream Theory: Nothing Is Real

This is a theory I’ve had in mind for a while, I’m going to break this up a lot so it’s easier to understand and read. I don’t believe in this theory a lot just because it doesn’t seem like something you would do, but it’s an interesting theory and I’m bored. (I’m quite literally buffed up like a jock and geeked up like a nerd except I’m skinny as hell and hate sports)

To start off, what is Dream Theory? Well, besides this dream theory that is. Dream Theory is a theory from a book published by Sigmund Freud, who– fun fact is the founder of psychoanalysis– wrote a book called The Interpretation of Dreams. (To note, I’m planning on reading the actual book soon so as of now I have not read it, I might make another thing like this after I read it).

According to Frued dreams are two mental processes. One that constructs the dream based on wishes and desires, and the second that involves censorship of the dream which forcibly edits and distorts it. Dreams are wishes wanting to be fulfilled.

This… really ties into SSSBMTY doesn’t it. Ed ‘died’ in a Dominos' parking lot but that’s really all we know. They could be in a coma or brain dead. Dreams are confusing, even the human brain still can’t comprehend them. It’s hard to understand the real meaning of them. Hundreds of books can claim that dinosaurs in a dream represent old news coming back to haunt the future but another hundred books can claim that it means an older relative may interact with a newer baby. But why? Because no one can really know. Except you.

Ed has had some hardships in their past life. They don’t have a good relationship with their parents, not even their sister. They don’t communicate with them at all. When Ed died their thoughts never went to their family, the only other family we get mentioned is a deceased grandpa. This whole fun pirate adventure can be much more sinister, Ed wants a family, craves for it. So what better than to have a dream in a pirate world where family is everything, Ed gets that happy ending of a family, a real family that loves each other. Nami is like the older sister to Ed, Franky and Robin are their parents. Ed has admitted that they see Franky and Robin as their parents, although it’s not stated we can clearly tell Nami and Ed have the sibling bond. And then Canadian Gramps is their grandpa.

Why did I mention their grandpa? Ed had a good relationship with him so that doesn’t make sense. I was talking about the bad relationships, reread that, the key word is had. Ed misses their grandpa, before or even after the divorce Ed had a good relationship with him, they were close. Close enough that he would gift them things. But now he’s dead, and Ed will now always have a sinking reminder that he’s dead. The flannel.

How does this tie into Dream Theory? Ed is desperate for a family so that wish is their dream, they get THE family. Ed wants their grandpa back so their wish is fulfilled, they find out that they have (possibly) real family in this world, a grandpa. They wanted their grandpa back so much so they got a seemingly badass, awesome older person who was on the Oro Jackson with Roger.

The first process involves unconscious forces that construct a wish that is expressed by the dream. The second is the process of censorship that forcibly distorts the expression of the wish. In Freud’s view, all dreams are forms of ‘wish fulfilment’.

The first process created a family from Ed’s wishes. The second one censored it, it used censorship of a familiar world, One Piece. Something to note is that everything has changed. The characters are altered more to Ed’s liking or disliking. Sanji’s definitely more, accepting of okama, seeing with Ed. Luffy listens to his crew more. Usopp is slightly braver. Everyone has changed, all to Ed’s liking. Even the supernovas.

‘But Wizard (just call me that), what about your other theory with reincarnation? What about the talking honda?’ First of all a person can have multiple theories, and second… Thank you for asking >:)

This can delve even deeper. Ed is a nobody, Ed is a self insert, they are quite literally- NOTHING. Even in the real world Ed was still nothing. This royalty can be explained with a secret desire, which is why they have no idea what the royalty dreams are about. Ed wants to be something, they need to be something great, so what better than to dream about being a secret royal. The meanings inside the royal dreams could also be other things. The chaos that happens in the royal dreams can express the chaos outside their mind, everything happening around them. They just want to be something great that they can be proud of and satisfied. This can correlate to their parents wanting more out of them, or their sister. They want to be better than their sister in success.

The Red Honda Civic dreams are odd indeed, a mysterious figure holding their hand while facing the Honda. This is hard. This can be a throw away, a red herring. It could be anything, but I go above and beyond, so I dug and I dug, and I theorised. I’m basically MatPat/j (Please I’m begging you, please get the fucking reference).

Here's a breakdown of some interpretations I thought of from the Honda dreams.

So the nickname Princeling could tie into my royal dreams theory, it could also be a way of showing that Ed is not done until Luffy is king, which means Ed would be called king, in a way.

Something I caught actually is that when Ed is ‘speaking’ without a mouth it can tie back to a desire to communicate but they're just unable to do so. (A tie to my previous analysis on Ed’s behaviour).

The hand holding can be a symbol of guidance, the figure is guiding Ed. This figure can even be Ed themself, they’re guiding themself in this dream (it could also be a representation of Ed’s brain). The fact that they can communicate telepathically is another point.

Dreams are highly personal, and the true meaning can really just be understood by reflecting on your own experiences, feelings, and current circumstances in life. Ed went into a comatose state after being hit by the red Honda, for all we know they did it to themself!

Haha HOLY FUCK.

Preface; I've got a deep seated hatred for Freud I will never overcome, and I make so plans to try. Fuck that guy. I also don't believe in his theory on dreams, I think it's kinda silly because dreams are fucking random, fucking weird, and mine never have anything to do with anything I want. I mean seriously, I had a dream last week about a pasta island and a baseball diamond and a bunch of fancy shoes at my middle school and Halo??? Which I know nothing about????? What the fuck does any of that have to do with anything at all. (NOBODY TRY AND INTERPRET THAT PLEASE.)

This is so much at once and by god if you don't make a lot of very good points. There's a lot of super interesting connections that can be made with the wish fulfilment and the dreams Ed has and the things that happen around Ed in the story.

The wish sentiment is especially interesting for REASONS that MAY OR MAY NOT be around.

This take on what pseudo dad/uncle is/represents is very different from a lot of the ones I've seen, and has so many layers that are gonna get so weird later this arc.

The 'using One Piece as a censorship lens' take is WILD and actually has some valid points??????

There's so much to unpack here. Dear fucking lord. Yeah, dream theory, got it. I remember back at the end of Skypiea when Ed got fuckin' blasted out of the sky there were a couple people very wary of a possible dream theory because of the 'white ceiling steady beeping' thing, it was actually pretty even keel between folks who thought it was the case or not lmao.

Y'all are just gonna have to wait and see, huh?

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

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I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.