#i love how i said 'the new video essay' like anyone is going to know what im talking about lmao

[cassynite]

A Sparrow I finished while watching the new video essay

[livingsurreal]

More thoughts and theories about our favorite Necromancer

My darlings, I have too many thoughts and my obsession is running wild. (How I missed you, hyperfocus). If you have read my last meta post about our Emmrich, here it is: First Meta Post

That is not a required read however. I am still wondering why anyone is reading my word vomit U_U

Anyway, I love reading other peoples theories, so please, send me yours. <3 And a lot of thanks and love for all you darlings who make this fandom such a beautiful and nice place. Especially to @jaal-ama-daravv - who makes the most beautiful videos, and writes such wonderful character studies.

Warning, from here on there will be spoilers as well as mentions of sex. If you don't want to read about any of that, do not read the rest.

Also pictures and way too many words. This is a ten page word document, save yourself while you can. I tend to go off on a tangent once I start writing. I am also well aware that not everyone will agree. This is just my personal read on Emmrich.

Now, after my first essay I have some more thoughts on Emmrich and Rook and specifically their intimate relationship.

Emmrich is such an interesting and baffling contradiction. On the one hand he is confident, self-assured, all manners and poise. He is smart, and he knows it. He has special gifts, and he knows it.  He is confident without being proud. He likes to teach others without being arrogant. He still likes to learn about new things and is, as far as I’ve seen, never judgmental about different beliefs and ways of life. (Unless someone treats him with disdain or bully him)

He is a man who is confident speaking of his thoughts and feelings and fears. How he just casually drops his thanatophobia is just astonishing. He is honest and open-minded in the best ways.

And then there is the other side of him. The wet kitten side of him. As open and honest as he is about his emotions, when we get to the meat of it, to the scary bit, the real feely bit, he locks up completely. As long as it is surface level (or he can pretend its surface level), everything is up for discussion. But once we reach deeper and touch *love* he gets so scared and refuses to admit and commit to his feelings. And as much *death* scares him, love scares him more.

So how does that influence his intimate relationship with Rook?

According to the banter with Lace “everyone knows about it”. He was rather surprised by that.

That tells us two things:

They were trying to be sneaky or at least keep their private business private.

They failed, massively.

Add to that Laces comment about them moving rather fast (when, where? I would have loved to have seen that. Comments like that just give me the feeling that we should have had some more cutscenes after the dinner date, to show us those two besotted fools).

But back to them moving rather fast. I would guess that they both did a lot of gazing lovingly at each other, blushing, spacing out while watching their darling, stollen kisses in the hallway when they thought no one was watching, stuff like that. Just being to besotted fools.

But moving fast usually includes sex. Lots of needy, sweaty sex. The inability to keep their hands of each other.

That moves us to the question of the day – did they have sex before their coffin time?

Let’s look at what we know about Emmrich. Emmrich is no virgin. That man has experience. He had past lovers. But what he tells us at that sweet diner date – “nothing serious for years.” We know not much else besides his crush on a boy in his youth and his fling with the Orlesian Art Lady. He is not someone to kiss and tell and that is appreciated. That man has class, and we love him for it.

So - nothing SERIOUS for years. If he hadn’t had ANY relationships in the past years, he would have said so. But what he says is that he did, in fact, have UNSERIOUS relationships in the last few years.

I would read that to be somewhere along the “fwb, lovers, affairs, paramours, companions, a fling, a little romance” line. Something not purely, but mainly physically driven. Someone you like and respect, you can go out and have a good time with, have lots of amazing sex with (b/c he is a living being and has his needs). Spending time with people he liked, was sexually attracted too, but nothing as serious as love. A physical relationship. A little thrill, some fluttering, but never that deep.

Not to say that those situationships would not have been romantic. He is (buried under all that resignation) a deeply romantic man. I am pretty sure he went on nice romantic dates with his previous paramours too. That this is something he just enjoys too much. Treating a companion with some quality time, not just in, but also out of the bedroom.

But after he’d given up on his dreams, he did not have any notion of those flings being more than a “enjoy the moment”. There was never the expectation of deeper feelings, beyond friendship, attraction and/or respect. All those romantic gestures were nothing more than a little bit of “play pretend”. To give himself the illusion of true romance, just for a little time.

Take the fact that you can go a “everything you do is creepy but I still flirt with you and I want you to throw me over that tombstone” and his comment on “the attraction of the forbidden”? This is not a relationship born of mutual respect and deeper feelings but out of purely physical attraction. And he is OK with that.

I want to repeat – Emmrich is very much okay with a casual, sexual affair. He does not require love to have a relationship with someone.

And then think about that Johanna calls Rook specifically his “paramour”. Which is a lover, especially an illicit one. This word was very specifically chosen by Johanna. For various reasons, I would think.

For one, I do believe that it is a dig at his dreams of the eternal flame. It’s a dig at him, that Rook is not his love, but his paramour. A lover for a time. To be parted from soon enough. B/c that silly dream of his, as if it ever would become reality.

Second, I think it is a comment on the way his relationships often went, especially in the past years. Those unserious flings of his. Never to amount to anything substantial.

Did he try to have something serious in the past? Oh yes, for sure. But it never worked out. Then he gave up his dream and just let himself have a good time with people he found to be nice and attractive.

To pick up my point of self-sabotage from my last meta post – I’ve come to a point where I believe Emmrich is a kind of chaser. I know someone like that and it’s so fucking tragic.

Emmrich feels deeply and strongly. When he falls in love with someone it’s a lot of emotion. But at that point it’s all dream, want, wish. As soon as someone returns these feelings - those dreams, wants and wishes become reality. And reality is scary. In this wishful dream about the eternal flame, there is no fear. No fights. No loss. But that is not reality. As soon as it becomes reality, he gets scared. Before, his feelings were no threat, because you can’t lose what you don’t have. Once those feelings are returned, there is a clear possibility of losing, of being lost, of being left behind.

Emmrich is not a chaser because he enjoys the hunt. He is a chaser because being loved by someone is scary. So damn scary. So, he starts to pick fights and is looking for excuses. From being the chaser, he becomes the chased. He is hunted by his fears, and his fight or flight instincts go all flight.

After years of this cycle he gives up. Resigns himself to flings and little romances without even thinking of more. Or so he thinks. Dreams like that don’t die, they just get buried.

And I’d think that there was not many, even of those short term flings, lately. His life revolves around work and Manfred.

Now remember he comments on Rook “showing unexpected interest in a new companion”.

First of all – unexpected.

They are a daring adventurer. He thinks of himself clearly as the more boring one, compared to Rook. He never expected any of those flirts. But he is clearly flattered.

Second – companion.

That was such a weird way of saying “hey do you like me?”. This whole “companion” thing does not scream “I have FEELZ for you/you have FEELZ for me” but rather, “I think you might want to spend some quality time with me”.

The possible answers - dashing good looks, kindness, his way of words.

He feels he is fortunate if Rook thinks him good looking. Hallo, Mr. Professor, sir… Have you looked in the mirror lately? Consider that he is meticulously grooming himself, takes his exercises daily in the morning. That man does not like himself aging. I think it is a reminder of how his pending death is a step closer every day. But it shows, to him, that his efforts of taking care of himself are not in vain. Or maybe it shows him that his age does not matter. Rook finds him attractive despite (or because) of his physical age.

Rooks comment on his very charming way of putting things makes him hope his years behind the lectern have proved useful. Hey *years* behind the lectern. Again, this is a way of saying his age is NOT a problem but a benefit.

If Rook remarks his kindness, he answers “you humble me”. It’s the one answer that does not touch his age/experience/looks. It’s a remark on an innate character trait he possesses. Kindness. His whole demeanor in this option shows he is actually touched. And maybe a bit baffled. He did not expect this, at all. Its like he sees his kindness not as an attractive trait. Which he should. He is nice without TM and its sexy as hell.

The next part is his statement “If your attentions go beyond charming flattery… that would interest me, indeed”. This reads to me not necessarily as “do you have feelings for me” but as “do you just enjoy the flirting, or do you want to do more than flirting?”

And oh boy, does he want to do more than flirting. I want to repeat my earlier statement – this man has given up on love. But some little fling with an exiting young adventure who was constantly, awkwardly flirting with him? Hell, yeah.

(I want to remind you that we were able to have mutually enjoyed flirts with Dorian as fem!Inky. You can flirt with someone and still never want to fuck them. And you are also perfectly able to want more than flirting without having deeper feelings. Like sweet, dump Shepaloo said it so eloquently “Lets bang, okay?”)

Again, I want to pick up a point of my last post, that this is all surface level thoughts. I do believe that their emotional attraction and depth of feelings go deeper, from the start. But how often does it take quite a bit of time to realize one’s own feelings. Especially this wonderful, silly man whose modus operandi is running away.

Now, an interested Rook can answer in an open “lets see where this goes” way. Mirroring his rather open idea of a little romance, a fling, some quality time. Something that does not have to end in an eternal flame, but a simple enjoyment and exploration of the moment.

Rook can also reply with a “I think they do.” – What Rook actually says is “I think they already…”

And conveniently Rooks answer here is cut short by our sweet boy Manfred. They get cut short, no matter what answer you choose, but in this specific case, I am convinced this was very much on purpose. What would the whole sentence have been?

“I think they already go way beyond flattery.” (?!?) Something along those lines. But that goes into danger zone. WAY into danger zone.

If Rook had finished that sentence, at that point in their budding romance? It would have been over before is all started. Too much, too soon. Too much for him, period.

Now we have the hard lock – their sweet romantic moment in the Memorial Gardens. And he is smitten. He fell hook, line, and sinker for his own play pretend. Just a little romance, but that man is falling, fast. (Not that he would admit that to himself).

A beautiful date, all arranged by Emmrich, to spend time with Rook. Because a couple should have a quite moment to get to know each other. I mean there were menu cards with gilded edges, ffs. And, oh yes, they were “lets dig into the feelings”, he said couple. He is falling, falling, falling fast. But it still hasn’t hit him, how deep he has fallen for his darling Rook. Poor Emmrich.

Then a fight, where we really see the wet kitten side of him for the first time. A little wet, feral kitten, hissing at the hand that’s trying to feed it.

Emmrich is lashing out for no good reason (or no good reason for anyone but himself). There is no real confidence there but a desperate act of pretending. An iron (slipping) grip, trying to control himself and the narrative. Shoulders squared, back straight, an arrogant stance, raised chin, turned half-away from Rook, and a condescending way of talking to Rook.

Like I said in my last post – he is working his way up to breaking up with them. And he tells himself it’s like ripping off a bandaid. Be strong and confident and say what you have to say, and they will see the wisdom of that.

It’s only that, they don’t. Because there IS NO wisdom in what he is doing right now. They don’t take his bullshit but throw it back at him. They don’t accept his mock excuses.

Look at him here, how he looks down ON them. I can’t recall any other time he looks down on Rook, despite him being a tall king.

Especially the route where Rook throws it in his face that he DOES in fact love them. Speak what he can’t even think.

“I can’t… At my…”

“I can’t love you. At my age…” Why not? Does he not deserve love, just because he is a bit older? It’s just heartbreaking how he views himself.

And again, he lashes out.

“I am perfectly serious.” So is Rook.

“One of us has to pay attention to these things.” As if Rook is not paying attention. They got to the meat and bones of his problem in just a few seconds.

No matter what route you go here, the gist is the same. He is scared shitless, treats Rook like a child, and goes on how the is the only one thinking the important thoughts.

When Rook in reality way ahead of him. They thought about it and came to the conclusion that being with Emmrich is a really good idea.

Rook knew they were falling for someone older than them. (Even if that age difference is just a decade, with a mid-40s Rook.) They knew it, and still went with it. They are not a child who is too inexperienced and stupid to make decisions about their (love) life.

But now, here, at this moment? Emmrich treats them with disdain. Like a silly little person, who does not think things through. He holds himself above them. Physically and mentally. They are too young, he knows better.

And not once has he done that before. He always treated them as an equal. He follows them into the most dangerous situations ffs. He trusts them with his life in a fight against would-be gods.

All that fear and anger at himself that reaches a new high get redirected at Rook.

The next day they are off to Tearstone Island. That night must have been hell. For both of them. But its going to get much much worse.

In any case, Emmrich seems to have come to some conclusion or realization, because on that island? He apologizes.

They both did react very emotionally, but he came at Rook with superiority and, to a certain degree, dishonesty. All fueled by his fear. So that he is the one to take the first step and apologize to Rook instead of doubling down? An important step. As I said in my last post – he NEEDED to be called out. A sweet and nice counterargument would not have had the impact Rooks raw an honest emotion hat on him.

Emmrich “Rook? Darling? I wanted to say-“

Rook “Yeah, about that argument…”

Emmrich “(Sighs) It’s no time to apologize, is it?”

And here we have the most heartbreaking line, in hindsight. “We’ll talk back home, Emmrich. I promise.”

(Narrator: but they would, in fact, not talk about it back home. Because someone would not go home.)

One fight and weeks of horror later, they find themselves in a private crypt and finally they do more than share a kiss.

Now - to the point I originally wanted to explore with this post – is this in fact their first time? (I am sorry, but my brain is a circle and nothing makes sense)

Let’s look at what evidence we have from the cut-scene.

Rook did not know he is an early riser.

That leaves two possibilities:

They never had sex up until that point.

They did have sex, but never spent the night together.

Now what does that mean?

This depends a lot on your personal Rook and how they feel about sex in general. If Rook wants to wait, or is not ready, he will absolutely accept and respect that.

But for the sake of this analysis lets go with the idea that Rook is not opposed to sex at an earlier date.

They never slept with each other

Why? He clearly was not opposed to casual relationships in the past. What would hold him back now? Especially if you recall Laces comment about them moving fast. Why not jump into the bedroom?

Now my first crack theory is that they get interrupted, like every time. (Rook interrupted The Dread Wolf, and now he cursed them to always be interrupted when they want to have some private time)

But now, in all seriousness, maybe it’s just that part of him DOES realize that this goes beyond a very unserious relationship. That they both have deeper feelings, that spark of something greater, something beautiful.

So, he holds back. He does not give his all. He is charming, he is flirty, he takes Rook on dates. But it’s all very technical. Very performative. Yes, he is a very romantic man, yes he enjoys those moments. But there is always a feeling of control.

Those moments when you see him let go a bit (that kiss beneath the eternal lovers, “I think, sometimes you indulge me”), are so beautiful and you glimpse a bit of the man behind those walls.

He has a tell, you see. (I am telling you about it further down)

But generally, he feels very much in control of himself. And to lie with Rook? To go all the way? Too dangerous. Who knows what happens in that sweet moment after la petit mort? What secrets would his lips spill?

2. They slept together, but did not spent the night together.

They do have sex, but sleep alone in their own beds. Casual sex is fine, but to fall asleep in each other’s arms? Too much. Too real. Sex okay, but sleepy post coitus cuddly? Woah, slow down your horses.

So, they have sex, preferably in Rooks bed. First, does he even have a bed? Second, it’s way easier to leave Rooks bed after the act, than throwing them out afterwards.

Oh, and how many reasons he has. Rook needs their uninterrupted sleep; they are stressed and must have proper rest. He wants to get some reading done before he retires. He needs to look after Manfred.

Oh, he is a bad liar, for sure. He is lying more to himself than to Rook. I would think that (if this is the build up to their fight) Rook realizes that he is giving poor excuses.

And the sex itself? A technical 10/10. He knows his anatomy, after all. But his heart is not really in it. He can’t allow himself to. He holds back, keeps a tight lid on his emotions. They both are well spent afterwards, but like so much else, it’s performative. Technically very well executed, but rarely do you see HIM, the real him, behind all that performance. Whenever something slips through, he reels back and closes up.

And then we are in that crypt. Rook was gone for weeks. The last thing they said that night before were words of anger. Rook called him out on his feelings and from that point on there was no possible way of lying to himself anymore. Those feelings were there. They were real. Rooks feelings were real. And those weeks spent in desperation, trying to  get them back? Those walls came crashing down.

His true face, when all the walls are gone? You see that face when Rook leads him to the coffin. There is no pretense anymore. No performance. Just him, and all his love for Rook. The amount of emotion the animation team packed into those short moments in the cutscene? Mindblowing. Who ever crafted that expression on his face? They are the GOAT. I watch this part of that scene on repeat, and it never gets old.

So, I told you about how he has a tell, yes? Okay, two actually, but we all know surprised pikachu Emmrich. In that last scene it is resolved in the most beautiful way.

He looks down, when something touches him deeply, when he goes into his feels.

A few (way to many) examples:

And the worst wet kitten look? After the fight, when Rook leaves.

Its a look of shame. Of hurt. This man is hurting so badly.

Now here at the end we have that moment when Rook leads him to the coffin. His face turns down, like before. But here he looks up at Rook. He does not turn his eyes away but looks directly at them. Ahhh my heart.

Now, think about the fact that ROOK is leading in that moment?

In those moments where Rook leads or startles him (or is simply annoying enough so that the truth slips out), you see the most emotion from him.

Rooks flirting startles him, and he has a pikachu face reaction every time.

Their first kiss? Rook leans against the monument, and leans up, telling him without words that NOW is the time for a kiss. How can he not go for a second kiss?

That moment when Rook calls Manfred “our son”? He very conveniently ignores the word “OUR” and goes in defense mode over the word “son”. But called out on his feelings for Manfred? How can he deny them? He has tears in his voice when he says how he would not exchange this moment for anything? A real, deep emotion.

In their fight Emmrich is again all technical, all performance, so logical (or what he sells himself as logic). But Rook wrestles that moment from him and takes lead, calls him out on his bullshit.

In the crypt Rook pulls him up into a kiss and then leads him to the coffin, guiding him, taking him with them.

Most of the other times he takes the lead, very much in control. But the most emotions you get from him, are those times Rooks leads, when he lets go of this tight control over himself, or he is startled in to a reaction. For all the age difference that is played up in their relationship, in the important moments Rook is the one who guides. And he follows where they lead.

Those little moans he makes? If they did have sex before, I bet he did not make those sounds then. Where they did have some incredible sex, now they are making love. Open, vulnerable. He gives in.

And then they fall asleep together. Skin to skin, arms and legs intertwined. Their hands caressing, no sound but that of their heartbeats and soft breaths. Pure and utter contentment. In that moment nothing exists but them. Can you imagine that moment he woke up? The amount of emotions he must have felt then? This need to speak those little words? Those huge little words. He does not say them, not yet. But he is almost ready.  

Finally, they stand there, on the battlefield of Elgar’nans madness. And he tells Rook. The last wall falls. Gives the most precious thing he can give to anyone.

“I love you.”

[proxycrit]

I love your au!!! I love how the hylian duo look like gremlins, I LOVE the expressions and sass constantly and the changes to the lore, the worldbuilding and also the emotions (OUCH). I love their relationship with purah and each other and the new champions. I love the depth you gave Yona and her relationship with Sidon and Mipha. I love how link feels comfortable talking to sidon in addition to sign, I don't know if he does that with anyone else but Zelda unless its absolutely necessary (eg: just launched out a cannon and is paragliding down, so hands are busy) (side note: i love how much of an adrenalin junky/gremlin he is!!)

I do got a few questions! Will the pair get the sheikah slate again (so say link has the slate and zelda the pad), and can both slates do the warping and item storage (food, ingredients, armor, weapons, etc) (if so: no WONDER link was so upset! His collection!)

Does link have access to the ultrahand abilities (ik you said not The ultrahand, but what about fuse or ascend or rewind etc?) Where is the mastersword??

Does Link still have the champions' abilities, or did he lose those when their spirits moved on at the end of botw?

I know these are a lot of questions but I can't stop thinking about it!! The last few updates sent me back rereading the whole au and now its just vibrating in my head and giving me no piece

This is long and rambly, just know I am very much enjoying this au! Its silly and fun and touching and cute. Thank you for working on it!!

Oo some notes (also ty for circling my au haha im glad other people fixate like i do)

(Prewarning— i did not finish totk despite putting triple hours in it, so a lot of this story is being written while playing, though i know the big broad strokes thanks to cultural osmosis and video essays. A lot of Familiar Familiar builds from my playthrough with BOTW over TOTK, so the sheikah influence is significantly stronger and I will always choose botw characterization over totk characterization as a result.)

That aside

1. Sheikah slate’s dead. Rest in pieces, link’s rare collectable korok poop. Purah’s extracting as much data as she can to put on the purah pad but you can see the dread in her eyes whenever she has to tell link resurrection is not possible.

2. No idea about the zonai arm powers yet— im thinking about ascend, but the longer i go through this story the less likely ill hand it to him just due to immersion breakage. He and zelda will be getting sheikah gadgets from purah though! Maybe ill have a scene of him wandering through the sky island shrines, but without zelda warning rauru he and sonia wouldnt have prepared anything for the hero of the future. (But i DO love ascension and fuse. Lowkey dislike the building mechanics from a concept art pov because the green glue makes me want to cry, but it’s FINE i GUESS)

2b. Master sword’s chilling in korok forest. Link put it back in this au because of Reasons (part of his and zelda’s characterization in this au is to discard their past roles and embrace the present, not as knight and princess but as hero and researcher. They both have to face the reality those roles aren’t dead, but it’s a work in progress. I may also never address it. This “one off hehe lemme draw some guys” idea quickly spiraled into a web comic series so apologies for the vagueness, because i too am watching them adventure with dread and awe and i don’t know where they’ll go with it. They literally write themselves.

3. Rip champions, their ghosts are Gone (but their influence remains. You go mipha, keep haunting the narrative girl, i love you)

I know that some of these story notes don’t quite match up to what totk states is stone cold canon, but that’s the joy of fan work! Anyways sorry for folks who i have NOT answered asks of— i have a lot of them and I’m much better at the drawing and writing part then the socialization aspect (please feel free to peak in to my zoo enclosure ever so often though. I need the enrichment)

[halotica]

hi everyone, i wrote this short essay about time and the self that means a lot to me, if anyone here wants to read it :)

I went to an arcade today. a "retrocade", filled with 30% beaten up machines and the rest innumerously similar to one another. it was interesting, modern yet not. i saw games i've only heard spoken of or seen in youtube videos, games that i forgot, games that had been desecrated and left as cardboard husks, no screen, empty gun slots, abandoned because the parts weren't worth the cost. the guy at the entrance, the owner i believe, wouldn't stop talking about how there were no modern games, no 2000's "junk" just the 90's 80's and 70's. wouldn't stop making cocaine jokes either. he was a chill guy, but his reality felt trapped- joyously transfixed in one time, one space, pulling others into his truth.

i almost threw up at the end. it felt like a hotbox of flesh and subsuming meatwarmth.

i called my girlfriend, speaking for the first time in almost a year. she asked "who are you" when i messaged, and i had to agonizingly explain the multiple ego deaths and almost-real deaths that led to such a change in existence and expression. i couldn't believe she still loves me, it was like talking to a portal through time. like i was looking through a rift, back into the pov of that scared girl exploring the rotting parts of toronto, loving every terrified second of it. and the rift only let me look at the girl who dragged me along through it all. i wouldn't have gotten here without her, for better or (and, really) for worse. she gave me our memories back, filled me with a past. like there was a bottle of lightning in my heart, carrying thousands of volts of lives that could've been, and a single crack let it seep out. my body didn't stop shaking for an hour. all i could think of was everything she went through, how i could've been there, how i could've held her into the stability she now has. but then again, she recognized the utter dissonance between the me now and the girl then, she spoke of us with the same fondness while her voice twinged with, either curiosity or confusion im not sure. she told me she never stopped missing me. i told her the same. i left that reality to crumble because i thought i was already dead once i left it, but now i am alive, and i know otherwise. pulling bits and pieces that i desire, leaving the rest where they should lie.

no matter what she said about the past about the new about how things have become, you can't reach your hand through the rift. if i go back to toronto, which i am considering more by the day, it will never be the same. and i'm glad for that. "the ___ you knew is not the same ___" i know, sister, neither are any of us. you will never be the exact same girl that taught me how to two-step, how to love fully, how to make a mark. but if i can i'll come back and i'll hold you as new, and we'll exist for what we are now, no melancholic hesitation, no dreamy life huddled together in that streetcar headed towards the end of the bay, the end of what may be everything. this life will be this life until we die and then there's another. if there's anything i've learned through rebirth, it's that you can't escape time, but time is not an antagonist. time coddles you, time begs you to understand, even though you can't. time is always there, leading you to something, anything. you can do anything inside of time, it's a comforting blanket when you can feel the veil. when you know that time will always be there, until the end, you know that you must respect it, and do what you can with time as your eternal company, until it shows itself, and sits with you until the moribund rot sets in.

if my girlfriend messages me tomorrow as we said, i'll be overjoyed. if she doesn't, i'll still be Halo, i'll still be Trance, and the memories of her and the girl she knew, fighting in the back of the Cruel Intent pit where only the merch guys and the band members could see us, will still be here. and the memories will never be lost, or take over, memories are time, showing us its face. it wants us to see, that it has been here, and still is, it wants us to look it in the eyes and make new memories with it. memories are the only true motivational tales.

5 years ago today, i was three lives separated from now. even the twinges of feminization had barely reached me. the memories then are desaturated and cold. time has decided to relieve me of them, until i need them to see that it won't leave.

2 years ago, i was closest to a self than ever before. i cut my hair for the first time since COVID, i lived on my own for the first time ever, i was medicated for the first time, and had estrogen for a few months. it felt like life. and it fell as quickly as it came. time followed along, it kept those memories so i'll always know the catalyst of all catalysts, and know that they keep coming. life is a never-ending crux point, a point of damnating decisions. many think they come and go, but events are put in amber as they happen, dragged along like a rock. but i don't have to be the one to carry that rock, to let it chain me. you can let time carry it, it wants to be your pack mule, so you can carry yourself without the need for assistance. though you will need assistance, even time misunderstands. it will warp your memories to suit your needs, but isn't that so much better than living in pocket realities of space and time. i enjoy travelling through the pockets i'm given, knowing more realities will show themselves to me, will fade into this one until the previous is gone like the wind, dissipated until it can only be felt in the changing air, the heat transferring into me, being held on by my pores. another to be carried by my forever confidant.

now, in the hardest place i've been in in my life, i know it simultaneously is not that. there is no point of rock bottom or a peak of all peaks. this pocket, like every, expands with each second, entropy will find its victim, and i will be shot into a new continuum. dead and yet alive.

so it goes.

by the time that things are noticeably different, they will be entirely familiar. dozens of generations of cockroaches have died since i was a scared 15 year old, in my second-to-last year of high school, asking the lesbian from my therapy group if i was "allowed" to be transgender. they have all experienced time in its entirety, is that not a wondrous release, even for a creature as miniscule as such? they live, they go from house to house, or food source to food source. do you think they see the change from feasting on a rotten apple under the fridge for a month into feasting on the remains of chinese food on a fetid living room table, as a change of utter truth, a life-changing dissonance of realities? we are all in our own, and yet we can fill each other's with air, increase the space, further the movement of entropy, further the cause into the effect, take and give until the bubble pops, and the next one comes to subsume us.

i feel like i should've used up my 90 minutes ive given myself to write this by now. i guess time still wants me to keep going. i could talk to you forever, black text background plastered over the neonic glitch-effected image of some random anime girl. this feels like a reality in its own. for tomorrow will be another drop, as always, leading into a rise. like a roller-coaster, we are at the pinnacle, the daily crux, the climactic orgasmic influx of thought into the idea of the heart that is held inside the mind, and we drop, into the reality of screaming fear. maybe it will lead into a slow plateau for a while, maybe it will rise, maybe it will loopdeeloop and we'll have the most fun we've had in our lives. maybe i can have it all. scratch that, i will have it all. and if time can't stop me—which i know it would never—then nothing can. even as the feelings of that teenage boy from that bubble of time tries to mix into mine, i will take it and i will feel it and will touch her growing hair and i will braid it for the first time and i will tell her it will be okay. things will get so much worse, and things will get so much better, and you will find a self through any of it, you will never be the nothing you think you are, you will not only become so much, you will become so many. you will experience the lives of a girl, a woman, the boy you never got to be, a bug, a dog, a specter and a willing participant both. you will cry and you will cum and you will scream and you will fight and you will die and you will punch and kick and live even when you die. time is here, i am here, that ‘boy’ is here alongside me, and i will never be her again, but maybe i will be a different her in a year, or a month, or even years, but no matter what, i will *be*.

in 2 years i hope to have novels out. i hope to have started a foray into much more than this, games, films, mixed media of all i've learned. but if i haven't, then that is simply another reality that will crawl alongside me, like lines ever-so-slightly unparalleled, waiting to meet and dissolve into each other’s being. anything can happen. everything will happen. even doing nothing but waiting is a deeply consequential decision, one of the most. doing nothing when you are at the crux is no more than another plateau on the roller coaster. you are going to fall, whether you cover your eyes or not. and then the rise will come again, and so will the loops. and don't you want to have your eyes open for that? you will experience a thousand drops, and a thousand climbs, and none will be less vital than the last. you need to keep your eyes open throughout the wind. don't you wanna look at all the faces you made on the camera at the end? at every differing face you wore? a collage of every death and every life and every half-hearted dissociative fugue and every piece you created while crying and screaming is waiting for you to see, you won't be able to be the creator forever. i have been given the power of a god. to create as much as i can until the light fizzles, and then to create even more in the dark, until my hands grow weary and my fingers give in, bursting with caustic fluid and and leaving my reality. and then, i can hold them all. i will have everything.

time is my right-hand man, my little eunuch advisor, whether scheming or telling truths, i love her. and i'm going to drag her around on a leash until we reach the volcano, then i'm gonna throw every twink i could've been inside it, then i'm gonna watch, and i'm gonna turn to time, and i'll say "pretty funny, right?" and we'll laugh. and we'll sit by the heat with no suits, letting it peel away every layer. the girls and boys in my head who have told every me many things, who have driven me to this point, will wither as i huff the caustic fluids seeping from time's wounds, and i'll feel every reality that once existed within and without me, with each of their deaths, and i'll say "pretty funny, right?" and i will take one last drop into the final, into the last face of my realities. and time won't be there to hold me anymore. i will.

and i will know, i have had everything.

[bonefall]

what's your opinion on moonkitti's video?

It's a good video and an excellent analysis for anyone who prefers to get their essays as videos over text.

Though I do have to mention, she did miss a couple of things. I don't blame her at ALL though, like she said, discussing Bumble is a rabbithole and you will find yourself tackling several chronic problems whenever you try to explain exactly how fucked up the entire situation is. Nevertheless, discussing Bumble is my specialty so I have to point out;

Moonkitti makes the mistake of accepting Clear Sky's premise that the territory he kills Bumble on is his. It is not.

Bumble was actually not trespassing-- Clear Sky slaughtered Misty because he is expanding his borders and wanted to steal her land.

The parcel Bumble was standing on is, in Clear Sky's own words, "This NEW part of MY territory."

As a result, I think Moon missed another chronic issue present in the DOTC narrative; Colonialism.

Also-- I know Moon is trying not to swing TOO hard at Gray Wing because his fans are downright bloodthirsty (and I'm sure she is reluctant to go through Bramblestan Harassment 2), but, as a result...

She kinda glosses over the fact that Gray Wing's turn on Bumble does make sense if you read it like he's doing it because he HATES the idea of his object of affection having friends who are not him.

In other words-- Gray Wing is controlling. Xenophobia against Bumble didn't "come from nowhere." It came up because he is toxic and it is a good self-justification for his feelings.

She also quickly summarizes a lot of the Tom the Wifebeater stuff... and ends up implying that Tom just found the kittens all on his own, when Gray Wing actually told him where to find the children.

This was technically an "accident" because Gray Wing is both cruel AND stupid.

I hate him so much Gray Wing SUCKSSSS

But again, I can't blame her for it because clearly she wasn't trying to get into the utterly shambolic mess that is the "Tom the Wifebeater Sleeper Genes" subplot.

yknow. The subplot where the kids decide the man who raised them isnt their real dad because the wifebeater boinked their mom before he started beating her and eventually got her killed.

dotc is a wonferful arc adn the best in the whole sries. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee

That all said! Moonkitti didn't miss. She thoroughly gutted Clear Sky's lie and covers most of what's especially rancid about Bumble's treatment. I especially love the sentiment she had in pointing out, "Bumble hated no one; and everyone hated her."

It's a great video, she's been working on it for weeks and it shows. This is yet another victory for the BUMBLE BATTALION. Soon we will invade England and take Harper Collins by force

[blond3ang3l]

🌷♡₊˚geek lover! eren🦢・₊✧

———————————————————————

This is a remake of the already geek lover eren, but specifically a sfw version but I actually really love this story

———————————————————————

Eren is a geek lover. He absolutely is enamored with you. Watching your lips with every word you spoke. The way you got excited telling him about every single new detail of the things you got interested in. Eren worked hard as a famous rnb singer, long days in the studio trying to perfect his songs. Then having to perform when he literally had the WORST anxiety known to man. It always felt like someone needed him and was on his ass about something.

But he did it all for you. So you can have everything your heart desired. He left nothing behind when it came to you. You wanted to see a new sci fi movie? He already bought out the theater. There’s a new podcast you like? He’s downloaded all the episodes for you on both yours and his phone. Don’t even get started on books. On your first date you mentioned you like to read and study psychology in your free time. Once you moved in he had your very own book room built for you. Carefully picking out each book for you on his own. Your own desk and room for you todo your writings in. He even surprised you with a laptop and camera so you can start your own podcast! He just wanted to show you how much he loved and supported you.

For moment like this were he could come home and listen to you tell him. About the things you've watched in your huge list of video essays that you had in a playlist on YouTube. How you lit up telling him different facts from how the dating game killer had a coworker that also happened to be a serial killer and he didn't know to the conspiracy theory of the 27 club, no matter what you said it always made you so happy and seeing you all giddy and stimming while you talked to him made him so content with his life.

"I know cotards syndrome, Koro, Diogenes, fregoli, hypochondria, pica, capgras, boanthropy, apotenmophilia, kulver bulcy, ekbom, erotomania, Stendhal. Pics is like one of the more well known. You know that show my strange addiction that we watch together? Yeah so like those people who eat the random shit like the lady who ate rocks- omg that reminds me!"

You were sitting on his lap, yapping his ear off.His eyes couldn't help but wander to your legs which lead him to notice you were wearing his boxers. Your hands thick thighs were filling them out so well. His hands moved to grip them as he watched you talk. You’d kill him later for not listening but he just felt so much dread when he was away from you that he couldn’t help but just stare at you forever.

Erens ass was not listening one bit. He was watching you, watching your body. You guys had been apart for a little over a month so could do a very short tour in another country and he was sick as fuck that he couldn't bring you.Everyone knew it too. His attitude fucking sucked that trip. He was antsy, his anxiety was through the roof, he snapped at everyone, overall he fucking hated it. But now, sitting here with you he finally felt at peace.

“Rennie, papa are you okay? You’re getting all red. Are you feeling sick baby?”

You were worried, he had a bad history of getting sick easily. With him coming back from another country he could have likely caught something. It would hurt your heart to know he wasn’t feeling well.

“I’m fine baby. Keep going. I wanna hear you talk.”

“Are you sure baby? We can go lay down if you’d like.”

It warmed his heart how much you cared for him. You made him the man he was. He used to be so closed off to anyone that wasn’t your friends mikasa and armin. You taught him how to deal with the grief of life and got him therapy to get through the rough days of his depression. He just loved you so much and truly couldn’t imagine being anywhere without you.

“I’m fine baby, just missed you so much..”

For my girlie @merakidoll

[dervampireprince]

that sucks so hard, I'm sorry the mcu does such a shit job at all this. I've heard whispers here and there about the film quality dropping, but I never knew it was trnasphobic and awful like this. I think I clicked with loki so hard because I'm also genderfluid. It really sucks to hear this. I'm real sorry that this happened, you obviously have a lot of love for the characters and it sucks when show runners ruin stuff like this.

And, yeah! If you don't mind, I'd love Loki comic recommendations! I've attached to this character I know next to nothing about save from your audios and edits I've seen, and my brain is yearning for more lol. and dont worry about your answer being 'too depressing', this is a completely valid thing to be upset about. I can't count how many times I've been upset about certain show runners ruining things to the point I can't help but vent about it. thank you so much prince!!!

thank you for not being angry about me rambling in your previous ask. like i said, if you want to get to know the main timeline mcu character then: thor 1, avengers 1, thor 2, thor 3 i think are fine, and of course i love loki in them. the loki series however i couldn't recommend to watch . it would have been better honestly if they'd not attempted the genderfluid rep, but instead by half-assing it they made it transphobic (labelling loki as 'sexfluid' in a file thats on screen for 2 seconds, characters including loki freaking out about the idea of a 'female version of himself', characters making fun of him for liking a 'female version of you' (lokis amab genderfluid, by extension when a woman they're trans fem, you should never called a cis woman a 'female version' of a trans woman, both are women, but the show does this repeatedly and has multiple versions of loki confused or even repulsed by the idea when you know why would it be weird for loki if loki's genderfluid. i could go on, but i won't, the video essay is there if anyone wants to see me break down the show fully and also the behaviour and promises given by cast and crew).

but enough talking shit. let's talk good things.

in the marvel comics we've got three main lokis i'm going to mention. the original classic comic book loki 'loki laufeyson' who died and got reborn as a new loki with a new soul called 'kid loki'. however, the old loki still remained in spirit and kinda made a clone of himself who kid loki temporarily turns into a magpie and calls 'ikol' (loki backwards). 'ikol' then kills kid loki and steals his body and that's the loki we're dealing with in the comics and have been since 2012. this is important stuff to know because it will be brought up and i'm not going to tell anyone they need to go read all of journey into mystery (kid loki dies and is replaced by our current loki in 'journey into mystery vol 1 issue #645')

one of the most beloved comic series for loki is 'agent of asgard' and for a reason. not only does loki get a redemption arc where he has to confront himself and learn to love and accept himself, but also we get the first proper genderfluid loki representation. (no, in my opinion, 'lady loki' from the older comics when he was possessing sif's body does not count, i don't think they were going for genderfluidity with that story line, and frankly calling loki 'lady loki' when female is kinda genderfluid-phobic like we're not calling him 'lord loki' when male, both should be normal imo). though before agent of asgoard' comes the 'young avengers' when people find out that 'kid loki' is dead and our 'ikol' loki has replaced him.

you can read all the 'kid loki' comics if you want but there's a lot so i'm going to list my favourite loki comics, all taking place after the original loki revives himself, and all with nice genderfluid representation. and keep in mind, marvel comics still need to do better with their genderfluid rep because so far all their genderfluid characters are shapeshifters which keeps the idea that 'genderfluid people can't exist in real life only fiction' bullshit that i've heard too many times. here's kid lokis page on the marvel wiki if you want to catch up on what happened with him.

so my favourite loki comics, all if not almost all include him being genderfluid, in chronological order so if you want to read them all this is the order. this is not every comic with loki in released during this time period, just my favourites, and ones that include their genderfluidity:

Young Avengers Vol 2 (2013-2014) (15 issues) (first time Loki is canonically bi/pan)

Loki: Agent of Asgard Vol 1 (2014-2015) (17 issues) (first time Loki is properly canonically genderfluid (I think?))

Original Sin Vol 1 Thor & Loki: The Tenth Realm (2014) (specifically issues #5.1 - #5.5)

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl Vol 2 (2018-2018) (specifically issues #27 - #30)

Loki Vol 3 (2019-2020) (5 issues)

Marvel's Voices: Pride Vol 1 (2021) (1 issue) (Loki is only mentioned but it's got a bunch of other LGBT+ mini stories in it)

Thor & Loki: Double Trouble (2021) (5 issues)

Marvel's Voices: Pride Vol 2 (2022) (1 issue)

Defenders: Beyond Vol 1 (2022-2023) (5 issues)

Loki Vol 4 (2023) (4 issues)

Immortal Thor Vol 1 (2023-Present) (especially issue #2 - #3 just for how they look omg, but I haven't personally read any issues past issue #3)

also a bonus recommendation of a loki book, as well as the comics loki in this is bi/pan and genderfluid. and i love him and theo. also there's a 3rd volume of 'marvel's voices: pride' form 2023, it has loki on the cover but he doesn't actually appear at all in the comic. i also like the doctor strange issues where loki takes over as sorcerer supreme mostly for how they look in the cape.

and well... this took all day to answer because my brain decided the best way to convince was to also get images and make little collages of the cover of each comic and then pages from the comic that mention loki's genderfluidity and that took... a while. i can only hope the images tempt people.

[stripedstarsblueflags]

i didn't win the wheel: episode 3 (pt. 2)

[competition ends, time to spin the wheel; Logan starts listing the prizes]

Logan: "...and a Logan mini helmet.."

Alex (who has made NO COMMENT yet and has seen all these prizes before: "Ah, that's not bad!"

oh alex what's wrong? you went most of a video without talking to each other? are you having WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS... merch is merch yeah :/ but it's my teammate's merch :) logan mini helment :D how cool is that :)

Alex (because he can't think before he speaks for the life of him): "I think the prize I wouldn't want.... *visible moment of regret* I– I shouldn't say, but–"

Logan (OH MY GOD THE SUN IS COMING OUT): "I know what it is, I know what you're thinking of!"

oh. oh OKAY. i see how it is now i already said they were in sync but APPARENTLY I DIDN'T SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH cause we had to double back and canonically confirm that out loud OKAY. can i just point out that knowing what someone likes and knowing what someone *dislikes* requires a whole different level of observation? like, think about it? and the dialogue ALONE is enough to write an essay on but the whole thing together?? alex leaning way in shoulder to shoulder we all know he can see the ipad logan chiming in as soon as alex starts fumbling the smile starting to spread on his face even as he's still looking down and then he and alex turn their heads in at the exact same time and logan gives him that smile as he says that line and at first alex is laughing but as soon as he gets those eyes he has to like giggle and blush and look down and curl in on himself WHAT? and then and then. both turning back to the ipad and alex is clearly trying to get ahold of himself and logan just sort of repeats in this half-gentle half-laughing but also like low voice, "I know what you're thinking..." like OOF that took it out of me. somebody on ao3 probably knows a specific term for sweet/teasing/sexy/provocative/taunting/gentle but for now i'm not settling on an adjective!! "I know what you're thinking" both gravelly and endeared after you've made someone literally do the blushing eyes-cast-down thing like 10 cm from their face... that is not from real life!! that is fanfiction!

[prize wheel spins, lands on Logan mini helmet]

Alex: "WHOA!"

Logan: "Oh, it's me..."

Alex *round of actual applause*: "That's a good prize!"

Logan (talking to the camera and ignoring the sparkles and rainbows next to him): "It's a Logan mini helmet... I won the challenge, so it makes sense–"

Alex (completely talking over him): "Is it gonna be signed? Are you gonna sign it? Are you gonna sign it?"

"that's a good prize" YOU SAID THAT ALREADY ALEX! he looks so excited!!! he looks like he got to win a prize– which is his TEAMMATE'S MERCH like, alex is a williams driver as a side hustle. his main career is actually logan sargeant fanboy, sorry to break the news like this.

at this point logan is kind of retreating into his own world again– not kind of, you can tell. the activity is officially over. the spinning the wheel part– the stupid thing all the hype is about– has concluded it. it's like he's got switches in his head that are flipped on and off for him. he did the fun part, he played the game. he had a little fun getting in close proximity to alex towards the end as has become tradition and then it sort of fades away for him.

not for alex, though. for alex, logan's still the brightest in the solar system. no matter how much or how little logan opens the blinds to anyone else alex feels the sunlight like it's never stopped shining. like the light in logan's eyes doesn't go out.

and so alex is excited. he thinks winning and then getting rewarded with the privilege of using essentially a random number generator to give a prize for somebody else who didn't even play is just ridiculous... and it is. but now he's loving it, and we know why

ep 3 bonus

episode 4

[lavendarlily]

yeah of course my first fic for @phicphight is gonna be crack

for the prompt that wasn't a prompt by @faeriekit

am i doing this right?

prompt: PR096 - No prompt, just a note; I can't guarantee I understand the format of the prompts required here.

words: 777

click here to read on ao3

jack stumbles across something troubling, but finds the light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally. He had the house to himself. Jazz was at a study group, Maddie went to test some weapons in the field, and Danny… well, all Jack knew was that Danny wasn’t home. 

Jack loved his family - so incredibly much that it was a miracle you could fit all that love into one man (even one at Jack’s size). Yet between the needs of his children and assisting his wife with her inventions, it was difficult to find a moment for himself. Believe it or not, Jack Fenton did in fact have interests and hobbies outside of ghosts. It was just hard to make time for them, and boy was that new yarn burning a hole in his crafts closet, just waiting to be used. First, there were a few techniques he wanted to research before really digging in.

He fetched the laptop from the basement, and grabbed a soda from the fridge on his way to the living room. Jack settled in, feet resting on the coffee table since Maddie wasn’t home to tell him otherwise. He opened the computer, and groaned to himself when a myriad of open tabs took over the screen.

He’d told the kids so many times! Close your tabs after using the computer! He was always afraid of accidentally closing or deleting something they needed or hadn’t saved. There was also a sense that looking through their history was an invasion of privacy, but whoever had used the computer last would have to give up that privilege. He carefully clicked through the tabs, making sure there wasn’t anything potentially important before exiting out of each one. At least his kids had been doing their homework - Shakespeare analyses, essay writing tips, and hey! They’d found a tutor through some site called ChatGPT that was helping them with their assignment. 

He was almost done, ready to dive into video tutorials on achieving the perfect cross-stitch, when he paused. Though Jack tried not to linger on a page longer than he deemed necessary, this one caught his attention. An all too familiar face stared back at him - multiple faces - arranged against a blue background. Jack squinted his eyes at the search bar, reading it aloud.

“Tum-bl-er,” he said slowly. What the hell was this? Jack was certainly concerned at the amount of Phantom propaganda on the screen, leading to an even more troubling question: Which of his kids had fallen under the ghost boy’s spell to have ended up on a hell-site like this?

He scrolled through post after post of photos taken by Amity Park locals, elaborate drawings of the ghost kid, musings of his origins and whereabouts and… oh gosh… love-life. Who were these people worshiping Phantom like this? And why was Jack still looking at it?

It was like a car crash - he couldn’t look away. However, this led him to one post that finally gave Jack a semblance of hope. 

Phic Phight.

Jack knew he was no genius, but he side-eyed the misspelling and continued to skim through the rest of it. Fighting was all he needed to hear, especially if there was a group of people who idolized Phantom like… this. The ghost kid needed to go. These people needed to be saved from his manipulation! The words “Team Human” jumped out at Jack from the text, and without needing any more convincing that this is where he needed to be, he clicked the link that led to where he could sign up. 

He skipped through all the boring information and went straight into entering his information. There were a few questions he didn’t know how to answer, but he was Jack Fenton! Anyone who was organizing against the ghost problem that plagued Amity Park knew where to find him. 

There were only a few questions left, labeled as “Prompts”. Jack wasn’t too certain what it meant, but he could only envision it as where to leave suggestions for the best ways to defeat and capture Phantom. He entered the words electrocute, net, and Fenton Bazooka. He felt a little guilty for not understanding the entire gist of what was going on, so he also left a quick note for the organizer in hopes they would be forgiving.

Jack clicked the submit button at the bottom of the page and smiled to himself. He couldn’t wait to meet all these other folks interested in the well-being of their town. Team Human. It had a nice ring to it. He’d be sure to let Maddie know when she returned - who wouldn’t want the Fentons on their team?

And maybe… he could even get his boy Danny in on it too. 

[mar64ds]

I’d like to replay the game to have more cohesive thoughts but looking at some of the dialogue i’d like to give a small analysis on how undertale handles lovelessness in both a very clumsy way and very accidentally nice way. I made a whole video essay about Flowey’s lovelessness already, but I’d like to give some new thoughts now that I know I’m on the loveless spectrum myself

The negatives

While Flowey is a very important character to me and I will discuss the positives aspects of his character, there is no denying the game falls into some bad tropes and lines of dialogues.

In the pacifist run, Flowey only really talks about his lovelessness if you keep visiting him after the neutral ending or when he becomes Asriel.

In the neutral ending he seems to imply that love = care, stating he can’t really feel anything for anyone, which to him it means he doesn’t care. This is obviously false in general, but even the game itself proves him wrong over that fact, making it very clear that Flowey does care multiple times. (NOT talking about low empathy, which Flowey might have as well, I mean like… him not caring about killing people). However, this is not super well executed if there are A LOT of people that still see Flowey not feeling love as him not caring about anyone, and there are even people that think Flowey DOES feel love. While the story contradicts Flowey’s statement about love = care, it’s done in a way that the characters never really tell him that it’s okay to be the way he is. It’s never fully acknowledged that it’s okay for Flowey to be loveless, it’s mostly implied. Flowey is constantly seen as a tragic character or a cruel character, by the game and by the fans.

The game doesn’t really challenge the way that love is glorified. Love is seen as an inherently good thing in the story (LOVE is not the same thing, that’s obvious), the thing that ultimately makes you care about others, one of the main things that saves Asriel, it’s even stated to be the one of the things mosnters claim their souls are made out of. Quite literally a ‘love is what makes us human’ but with monsters. They even add a bit of a cruel line stating that humans don’t need love in their souls to remain alive, and this is not said in a positive way, it’s implying that humans can be cruel and still be alive.

In the pacifist ending, Asriel states he doesn’t feel love, which (in pacifist) he hasn’t really done before. Flowey is established early on to be a villain that doesn’t care about people and is willing to kill people over and over, but it’s only here where he states he didn’t really feel love when he was Flowey. Maybe you can predict so, but it’s never stated until this moment. Asriel speaks of Flowey as this sort of horrible monster and while this can be interpreted as self-deprecation and Asriel’s lack of understanding of lovelessness… again, the game doesn’t really make an effort to prove him wrong. It’s all reading between lines, it’s all things you can interpret and imply, but the game itself doesn’t go out of its way to tell Asriel he’s wrong for thinking this way. This scene is meant to make you really sad that Asriel is not going to feel love again, because that is something ‘very very sad and very very tragic’. And I feel like a lot of people don’t understand that while you can show the struggle of an identity, you can’t JUST show the struggle. Specially if you aren’t loveless yourself. If you do that, you’re just being insensitive, framing lovelessness as a horrible tragedy.

In a violent run, Flowey speaks more about his lovelessness. How he suddenly couldn’t feel anything for anyone, not even for his parents. This segment is worded a bit strangely too, again implying love = care. The obvious thing is: Flowey does not feel love anymore. He’s scared, he tries to feel the way he did before and is unable to, he doesn’t seem to really talk about it to his parents, he runs away and isolates himself. The events that lead him to find out about his reset powers happen as well. Needless to say, Flowey is very miserable. This in it of itself is not a problem, again it’s okay to show a loveless character that struggles with their lovelessness, you can make a good story and a good commentary with it. But AGAIN, the game doesn’t really challenge this, it doesn’t really do anything with it. This is just seen as Flowey’s tragic backstory that leads him to start his evil path. It’s NOT the reason why he’s evil, Flowey’s evil actions are more a reflection’s to the player’s. Unfortunately, the game also does not make this super clear because a lot of people still attribute Flowey’s evil actions to his lovelessness. Maybe it’s lack of media literacy, or maybe the game also did not try very hard to make you understand lovelessness was not the problem.

Finding out more about his lovelessness just makes the pacifist ending more cruel to me. Asriel really invalidates Flowey’s lovelessness, and it’s framed as a way that the game itself is ALSO invalidating Flowey.

The neutral?

From what I remember and from some dialogue I’ve read, while Undertale has a very obvious theme about love all throughout the game, love isn’t really mentioned as much as you’d think. The characters don’t really say ‘I love you’ to you or to each other, they have their own ways of expressing that they care about you and each other. Aside from that one Sans’ scene, they don’t have big speeches about love either. These are things you really expect in stories very centered around love but Undertale doesn’t actually talk about love as much as you’d think. They talk more about being kind to others, which is what we should be really talking about. Really, Flowey/Asriel seems to be the biggest emphasis in the game when it comes to love, but it’s all related to his lovelessness. This is both a good thing and not a great thing, neutral it is.

The positives

Undertale does something not many stories do and that is for the loveless character to actually remain loveless at the end of the game and for the extra content of the game to state over and over that Flowey cares about others and seems to have a pretty happy life. It IS a problem that this does NOT show up in the actual game, but it is good that canonically this is the character’s fate. Flowey still talks to Frisk and Papyrus and took care of Toriel when she needed it. He seems to be doing okay and he is not framed as an evil person just because he’s back to being loveless. He is okay! He is happy! Even if the game frames his ending as a tragedy, it seems they are rectifying that and stating that actually, it isn’t a tragedy and he will be okay.

Aside from that, while the game has issues in how it handles lovelessness, I can’t deny that a lot of it works really well for interesting and positive loveless metaphors and interpretations. Like I said, the problem is that the game doesn’t really explore them, but the themes ARE there. The glorification of love, the fact that because of that Flowey feels like there is something wrong with him and decides to isolate himself, the fact that he even thinks life is not worth it without love… the commentary is all there. Asriel not liking Flowey is a bit of a metaphor for how Flowey doesn’t accept himself, and that he needs to learn he doesn’t have to be Asriel to be happy again, he doesn’t need to feel love to be happy again.

It’s also super nice that Asriel says that Frisk should ‘go back with the people who love them’ and yet Frisk keeps visiting Flowey, implying that Flowey doesn’t need to love Frisk for Frisk to want to spend time together.

I don’t think Undertale is the worst story ever when it comes to how it handles lovelessness, while there are some harmful stuff I genuinely think it has one of the best probably completely accidental portrayals of a loveless character. Flowey was a very important character for me to realize that I was loveless myself, he is the ONLY loveless character that: 1) remains loveless at the end and 2) isn’t inherently evil- that I have actually seen on media. Most ‘loveless’ characters tend to either feel love again, or seen as evil or a tragic fate. Flowey, while flawed, is a huge difference from most loveless characters. He is very complex, he is very deep, he is very important to me.

Flowey is a really great character that might fall into some bad tropes, but he’s still a cool loveless character that helped me in my journey to understand my own lovelessness. Flowey doesn’t need to be saved, he doesn’t need to be Asriel and he doesn’t need to feel love. Flowey just needs to be accepted as Flowey, a little flower that doesn’t feel love, and that’s okay.

[bucksbeagle]

Maaaybe Oliver doesn’t post about Bucktommy because he knows how rancid Buddie fans tend to get. They were the reason he left Twitter back in the days, after all. That’s an actual fact. Just saying. Fans have been sending Joaquin Sedillo shit on Twitter, saying stuff like Tommy fans is killing the show and everything (they have as much a right to be here as anyone else)

Let’s not pretend this is a new issue. Buddie fans have been harassing actors for years, Gabrielle, who played Ana, made a video about it. Megan West got tons of hate, Arielle Kebbel got harassed despite not even being a love interest. This is yet another fact. Harassment is Buddie fans forte.

So just maybe there’s a reason Oliver isn’t overly vocal about BT. But him saying he wants Tommy to be a part of Buck’s life from now on is strong enough. Not to mention he did say he looks forward to building on the relationship and see where it goes.

I just don’t get why you all get off on being overly hateful and make stuff up, especially when it comes to Oliver. It is giving parasocial… maybe people need to go outside for a bit instead of acting like you all know the man.

i said none of us are oliver in your initial ask. who knows how he actually feels about it but he does only really interact with buddie art and stuff like that but not for the other ship. so does joaquin. i know a lot of buddie fans can be gross, and i dont condone that. i think a huge problem with the fanbase is the misogyny but nobody on MY blog has been doing that. i just answer asks when i see them in my inbox. ive called out people already for being gross in my inbox as well.

also bucktommy fans can be just as bad! its not just a buddie thing its an internet thing. someone had to leave tumblr and twitter because they got called out for calling buddie shippers SLURS.

also if i need to go outside why are you on my blog sending essays trying to provoke an argument 😭

please leave me alone itll better protect your peace

[madlockcal]

( BENJAMIN WADSWORTH, CISMALE, HE/HIM ) CALUM MADLOCK the TWENTY FOUR year old is said to remind people of FIDGETING WITH SHARP OBJECTS, FUCKED UP BOX OF CIGARETTES they are known to be AMICABLE and INDECISIVE which makes sense when you think about how they are A DRUG RUNNER in THE BLACK SPADES.

Hi hello! My name is T and in this essay I will be introducing you to my home boi Calum. There will be some triggering topics below so please proceed with caution!

basics:

full name:  Calum Alexander Madlock

nicknames:  Cal, CAM, Callie,

gender:  Cismale

pronouns:  He/Him

sexuality:  Pansexual

age:  24

date of birth:  April 5th

Birthplace: Philadelphia, PA

zodiac sign:  Aries

likes:  Sprite, cough syrup, mixing the two, yoyo’s, video games, collecting key chains

dislikes: When it takes people to long to unlock the car door, cold fries, reality TV

Background: (tw: Overdose, drug use)

What all can be said about Calum Madlock? He wasn’t the popular kid in high school by any means. At least not for his personality he wasn’t. The only time anyone really paid him much attention was when he set the head cheerleaders uniform on fire on a dare. She deserved it anyways. Especially after slapping him for trying to get her best friend to steal a car with him. His drug dealing tendencies were another story. He didn’t start out that way. On the contrary. Calum's home life was decent. He was born to two very wealthy parents who loved and adored him, but loved traveling the world for work even more. Leaving him most of the time with his grandparents. Which on its own should not have been a reason for Cal to spiral down the path that he had.

Unfortunately like most men in his family, Calum was cursed with the same luck of falling for people who had a knack for damaging them. He met Natalia Walsh on his first day of school freshman year and fell instantly in love with her. Didn’t have to do much chasing. She fell for him just as quickly. As per usual things started out innocent. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Girl also likes drugs. Calum learned quickly that Nat had been raised by an entire family of addicts and despite her assurance watched as the girl he loved just as quickly fell victim to the powers of addiction. Fortunately for Nat, Calum was far from the good boy his parents and grandparents had expected him to be. Had, had his own introduction to pot and cocaine when he’d been out to visit his cousins in Portland. Envied his cousins life for his ability to get high so freely without having to hide it from anyone.

As time went on he and Nat grew and developed new loves for trying different things together. Everything was all good until coming home from a stint in rehab and having been informed by his grandparents that they’d gotten a call from her parents. They had come home and found her dead on arrival thanks to an unknown cocktail she’d taken without telling him. Calum had no idea where she’d gotten it but her parents still reached out to his grandparents immediately to warn them. This earned Calum a one way ticket back to rehab.

Lot of good that did him right? Wrong! Because how are you ever supposed to recover from knowing you could have done something but didn’t? By drowning yourself further. When he’d returned home from rehab he was immediately transferred to a boarding school for the rich and the preppy. People he didn’t fit in with and certainly didn’t get along with. But he’d found solace in rising to the top as the number one drug dealer that school had ever seen. They didn’t have to like him. Not when they needed him. And he used this to propel him through his remaining high school years. Sure things weren’t perfect. They were never going to be for a kid who got his kicks getting high and making a menace of his peers. Unfortunately when it came time for college applications, after all the money his grandparents had spent having to send him to boarding school, it meant he had no choice but to apply for a scholarship if he wanted any hope of getting into the school they had also hand picked for him. Little did they know, the "scholarship" he received was far from real and instead had him running away to New York. He no longer felt the need for the familial ties he'd once craved. Not when he'd find himself affiliated with The Black Spades. They'd become his new family, and made doing the kind of business he'd always thrived in a breeze.

[destinygoldenstar]

(I DO NOT OWN THIS SCREENSHOT)

So, Digital Circus’s second episode is coming tomorrow.

You know, in the Pilot’s case, I waited a month or two before I watched it myself. That’s just because I’m not someone who dives head first into trends and just does my own thing.

My introduction to Digital Circus was a random YouTube video essay about how this show was a prime example of how indie animation was now becoming more successful than Disney’s Wish.

I was shocked by that. Anyone would. (They meant by audience reception of course) So I got curious by that idea and what the show did to earn that. Then I saw there was only one episode of it and I was CONFUSED.

And originally, I was going to not watch the show because fanbase. But this news did get be at least interested to watch the Pilot once.

So I did…

OOPS. I’m hooked.

I just fell in love with what the pilot episode had to offer that appealed to me at the time, and maybe now more than back then now that I am an adult in the real world.

There was no trying to replicate realism. They were embracing COLOR, and out there character designs all animated differently yet beautifully. There were mysteries regarding the world they created just begging for theories and speculation. There was such great editing that does NOT get talked about more. It wasn’t like the other physical horror mascot horrors, as instead it was existential, toying with peoples minds, which to me was SO much more compelling. This had one of the most relatable protagonists I’ve seen in quite some time. A ringmaster I love to see on screen. Other characters begging to be explored. While not every joke landed for me, I definitely vibed with its style of humor.

So, meaningless to say, I understood why this show resonates with so many people, including myself.

So the show staying indie and not letting any major cooperations dictate how they run their show and their story, is inspiring.

So while I do see the signs so far being that the show will turn out good, by the way the creators want it to turn out (it’s their show after all). I’m just always naturally skeptical. But I am still excited for tomorrow when the fandom blows up.

But I will probably also try to ignore the fanbase reception and just do my own review post on it. Unfortunately I have work so I can’t watch it right away. But you know I’m going to.

Tbh, I think I figured out now what my relationship is with this show. I’m not watching it because it’s popular and trending.

I’m watching this because I want to watch it.

It’s genuinely grasped me as an audience member and spoke to me. And I genuinely want to see where the shows story heads.

That and I want to support indie animation and the people who have the creative freedom to make this, and prove that executives don’t have to dictate said creative freedom.

So whether or not this show lives up to the hype till the end or ends up a massive disappointment. Going into my college years, I have a gut feeling this is going to become my comfort show alongside Ninjago and Total Drama to get me through these tough times in my life. That’s something I’ll always be grateful for no matter what.

Anyway, yeah, I’m excited for this.

[autisticempathydaemon]

im here for the redacted matches thingy if ur still doing them !!

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? - turn the lights off by tally hall, specifically the lyric ‘everybody likes to get taken for turns, to see how bright the fire inside of us burns’ bc it scratches the right itch in my brain and reminds me of my horror obsessed friends 😋

What is your Enneagram type? - type 2 helper

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? - i love wendigoons ones, especially his fnaf lore and vhs tape ones !

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. - i used to be obsessed with the rainbow magic fairy books when i was younger and my favourite was heather the violet fairy so whenever i’d see anything purple i’d imagine she was with me

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? - listening to lana del rey, any redacted video or the new jersey rats

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) - probably lilian, idrk why it’s just a really pretty name

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? - regulus’s rewriting your memories video, it’s so creepy i love it

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) - DAVID. (also avior but i haven’t listened to any of his audios bc when i did i had a panic attack)

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. - mean girls lmfao

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? - asher or huxley !!

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) - usually my cats but my friends have said i started waffling about ash from fantastic mr fox then passed straight out more than once ??

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. - unfortunately i am british so anyone i can find as long as it’s not on fire

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. - this 12 hour long playlist called pancakes (all of my playlists are named after breakfast foods) that has every song i’ve ever liked on it

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? - audio roleplays bc it’s been my coping mechanism for so long i don’t remember why it started 😭🙏

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! - erm im an ENFP i have ocd im a hello kitty girl im obsessed w melanie martinez and i have a weird obsession of the psychology behind yanderes :D

There are so many reasons, big and small, for this pairing, and that’s why I like it. Personalities need to match, of course, but also you and Milo and all your cats are gonna make such a cute, blended family.

Your personality types give me the vibe of an energetic, outgoing person- effusive, fun, and interesting which would make you such a good match for Milo who has a similar temperament. I factored your OCD and panic attacks in my choice since it’s canon Milo handles his partner’s anxiety and intrusive thoughts well. I also based my choice off your being a horror fan and British, because it’s so silly to pair that scaredy cat with horror fans, and I think y’all’s accents would be fun together- just so many reasons, like I said, big and small, for why I think y’all would be a cute match.

I can’t imagine a cozier home than the one you two will share. It’s so fun to imagine the process of the two of you getting used to each other’s cats and them getting used to each other. (Marie really has her work cut out for her when she cat-sits.) I can so clearly picture you watching a Wendigoon iceberg video and Milo walking in like “Jesus Christ, Sweetheart, this is how long?!” Also, Milo doesn’t really get Sanrio, but he gets you a little Hello Kitty something whenever he can, maybe one of those blind boxes he hears Angel talking about all the time~

Song:

If I lay here/ If I just lay here/ Would you lie with me and just forget the world?/ Forget what we're told/ Before we get too old/ Show me a garden that's bursting into life/ Let's waste time/ Chasing cars/ Around our heads

One, this is a perfect, classic, romantic song. If Milo doesn’t know all the words on his own volition, he knows all the words because his parents love it. Two, you could be an adorable shitstarter and use this as an opportunity to make a wolf, shifter, dog, chasing cars joke.

Runner-ups:

Huxley is a runner-up because his affectionate, soothing manner would be a really good match for a Type Two partner, especially one who might deal with anxious, compulsive behaviors. James, I like because I think he needs an Extrovert partner to get him out of his shell. Also, I think he’d really like your cats once he gets to know them.

note: thank you for waiting and submitting an entry 💜

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[demvalhaken]

Dem Rambles lol (I am insane)

I honestly wanna create a PMV or something but I SUCK AT THAT TYPE OF STUFF. I’ve honestly never been good at drawing frames, but maybe trying something new will fix this horrid artblock

Lol, I don’t even know what song I would do tbh

ALSO, I ONLY WANT TO LISTEN TO ONE SONG ON YT AND IT FORCES ME INTO A MIX I DIDNT ASK FOR. I WANT TO LISTEN TO ONE “NEW NORMAL” NOT 50 LYRIC VIDEOS AND FAN ANIMATIONS OF NEW NORMAL BY JACK STAUBER. LET ME WATCH ONE MUSIC VIDEO.

BTW, JOJO SIWA RIPPED OFF THE TOOL LOGO, WHAT A BUNCH OF HIPPY DIPPY BOLOGNA. I DONT THINK I WANT TO KNOW YOUR GUILTY PLEASURES, JOJO, IM COMPLETELY FINE AFTER YOU VIOLATED THAT POOR FISH.

My guilty pleasure is liking those silly yt essays about Spongebob and internet shit. I now realise how nerdy my history has become. I’VE BEEN READING ENTIRE WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES ON BEES AND WATCHING HOUR LONG EXPLANATIONS. I watch science stuff for crying out loud, and commentary… Layze, Chad Chad, Danny Gonzalez, Drew Gooden, Soda Pets… I DREW FAN ART OF FUNKYFROGBAIT AND WATCHED THEIR VIDEOS LIKE 6 TIME EACH. AUHHHHHGHGHGHGHGG

I feel as though That Handsome Devil doesn’t get a lot of love on his music except for Savages and Charlie’s Inferno. My favourite song by him is Inside You or Stockholm Syndrome or the entirety of History Is a Suicide Note and Your Parents Are Sellouts AND THAT HANDSOME DEVIL (Name ablum)

I’LL JUST BUILD A FUCKING TIME MACHINE! (BUILD A FUCKING TIME MACHINE!) REWIND TO THOSE TIMES THAT YOU LIED TO ME! I’LL JUST BUILD A FUCKING TIME MACHINE! (BUILD A FUCKING TIME MACHINE!) REALLY, IT’S ALRIGHT, IT’S FINE WITH ME! WELD IT TOGETHER WITH A SOLDERING IRON! WHEN I TAKE A TRIP I CAN FEEL A PART OF ME DYING! BUT I GO BACK ‘TILL THERE’S NO REGRETS! ‘TIL YOU DIDN’T KNOW ME YET! ‘TIL ONLY YOU AND ME WERE ONLY LEFT! - Time Machine by That Handsome Devil

Tbh that song is kind of comforting for me, please take a listen to his underground music, I am not a Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss! I am a TRUTH, SHARE, GIRLBOSS! I DO NOT GASLIGHT OR GATEKEEP

Btw can we all agree that no one is an “AI Artist.” I was watching an essay video on youtube and this (Not to be mean) interviewed dumbass said that he was an AI Artist. Oh, poor him, his AI images are being shared around the internet and he’s gonna probably do a DMCA thing. I don’t give a shit that your “AI Art” is being shared around, go back to your basement >:( We shouldn’t call anyone an “AI Artist,” it’s not art, it’s an generated image using data from billions of stolen images from photos and artist. I just have a burning HATRED for these people. Dem Facts for you!

Sorry for the ramblings, I fell asleep to 9 chad chad videos and now I can confirm that, no, she does not give me nightmares :)

I’m not even gonna read any of this and just post it, I mean no hate to anyone unless they deserve it. Love you guys, I read every comment btw if you’re wondering

Dem Rambles, women are hot and I eat powdered sugar

[alllinesarebeautiful]

Day 424 Art meditation, August 27, 2024,

”Van Gogh Colors, Tree Ring Art”  

Hi Everybody,

I had one good idea today that came from my heart. Every day there are 100 things that I want to do, that come from my head, and I will eventually get to them all …But today the ONE that came from my Heart, it just makes me really EXCITED.

The reason I know it’s from my heart is that I wrote it down, and then later when I went back to to my notepad, I threw the page out, because I immediately just looked at it and said, “that’s such a stupid idea, like, who are you kidding??”

But then ½ hour later, I was just thinking about it, and it’s not a stupid idea. So I started asking some friends, and now I’m asking publicly:

I’m working on my NEXT Art Video, and the idea is to have people join me in the reading of my essay. So that it isn’t just me reading the whole thing.

I got ONE YES!!  I can’t tell you how excited and grateful I am. 

The reason I’m excited is that it’s the first time that I’m doing something that is collaborative interactive with other people on one of my ideas, I’ve never - it’s always just been ME. And I’m really trying to create a collaborative, interactive, fun, supportive space! To enhance everybody’s heart spaces and heart ideas.

Let me know if you are interested! I have no idea how many people are going to say yes, or even how long my essay is going to be. So, I would divvy it up and credit everybody at the end.

I’ll also put out there that if anyone wants to be a reader WITHOUT being credited, I’m open to that too. Maybe the mystery of that would be fun.

The theme of the essay, btw, is going to be “Unity”. 

I’m just really excited!! Even if it only ends up being just me and this one other person. My whole energy has changed. Sending love! 

And new murals, unisex t-shirts, crossbody bags in my store.

◎

Lots of love,

Anne ◎

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Ⓒ 2024 Anne Hunsicker | All Lines Are Beautiful. All rights reserved.