#i love her more than life thanks

[vaguely-concerned]

lucanis truly has a near terminal case of burned out golden child syndrome. caterina fucked both of these kids over so incredibly bad with the dynamic she enforced there, with illario being labled the perpetual fuckup kid where lucanis 'could do no (would never be allowed to do) wrong'. the way he admits in the first coffee date scene that the only thing that happened when he showed he could carry the weight of expectation was that more weight was added makes me so sad. you can hear it in caterina's voice in his intro mission that she's incredibly proud of him, but this is clearly a leandra and hawke situation where that pride never translates into relief or resolution or unconditional warmth or understanding or anything that really helps.

[otrtbs]

here’s the thing. the absolute joy and wonder i feel whenever someone tells me they came across ahb! and are now taking an art history course / majoring in art next year / went to their local art museum for the first time in ages is exponential. when yall send me your favorite artworks and tell me about them or tell me you went to x museum to see x painting mentioned in ahb??? it’s just so so wonderful. because never did i think something i wrote out of love for art and love for art history would lead anyone else to research art or talk about it or seek it out for themselves and that’s so much more than i could ever imagine would come out of a very timid first attempt at creative writing/fandom involvement.

i wrote it out of love and y’all have all reciprocated that love tenfold and ran with it to talk about art and explore it and share it with me and those around you. and it’s just been a very special incredible thing that makes me emosh. :,)

[backpackingspace]

Wait going off the idea that Athena keeps things from her favorite people:

What does diomedes give her?

[zazikels]

"How are you?" "Whole - At last."

Bonus:

[weremerricat]

[p1x1x]

[cipherr]

[only-god-canstopme]

aaron forgiving andrew for killing tilda when he has children of his own because he thinks that if she were around he never would’ve let her meet them.

(and if he didn’t want his children near her, or any children near her, that means that he, as a child, should’ve never been near her. and he gets what andrew did bc he would kill to keep these children safe too.)

[wickmitz]

what do you think mitzi’s type in men is?

hmm, this is a fun little ask! especially since her love interests, on a surface level, couldn’t be more different. we have :

zib : former long term boyfriend but not quite … they were very loose with labels, as we know from outside information and the way zib lives life in general. but despite this, whatever feelings fostered between them were intense ; enough so for him to stick around years later, resigned to a chained down lifestyle simply because he doesn’t want to leave mitzi. he’s very loyal in that sense! even if it’s not a conventional type of loyalty. we know that before bitterness seeped inbetween their bond that zib took good care of her, while also being a complete mess of a person ; someone perpetually scared whenever physical conflict is concerned and being a musically inclined man who very much treats himself as a free spirit, with a morbid philosophy and feel towards life. he’s got a major tortured artist aesthetic!! is a little gripped by melancholy and nostalgia … zib is a lot of things, and ambitious is surprisingly one of the many puzzle pieces that make up dorian zibowski.

atlas : ruthless gangster, has an eerie presence that frightens even the people closest to him. he is prone to a more quiet disposition ; never speaking and always a blot of unremarkable grey. but he is an opportunist! someone who can manage a business and take advantage of shortcuts and loopholes to become even more successful … basically he is wealthy and uses his assets well. but all of this is done with a manner of distance, leaving even those closest to him never having the full picture of who he was. it’s also worth noting that mitzi and him had eventual problems, which caused her to seperate. also perhaps has a heart of some kind, but whatever love he possesses is hidden under layers of blood and mystery.

wick : well-to-do bore, and i say this with all the love in the world for wick! but compared to previous paramours he’s rather clean and talkative … there is a constant earnestness to him that bleeds out, an honesty and a more conventional sort of kindness. he doesn’t hide behind smoke and mirrors and there’s never really a front he puts up around mitzi -- or his investors for that matter, hence why he’s treated as an ‘outsider’ so to speak. he is an alcoholic who loathes the details of his job but is more than passionate about the job itself and makes this everyone’s problem … he is a little helpless, in the sense he’d die without someone there to make sure he functions … and is, like zib, perpetually afraid of conflict. can be a little wishywashy and can come across as uncaring due to his cheeky tone … but he’s loyal and caring, with a hobby for the unusual ( bugs and rocks lol ) as well as being able to look past the gossip mill and see the actual mitzi may as he knows her, someone who’s going through a rough time and is either too kind or classy to be a brutal killer. he is hypocritical, a little snobby, and rather forward with mitzi too. kind of a flirt when he wants to be!

something that immediately stands out to me when looking at this lineup is that mitzi doesn’t enjoy a violent man. i don’t think she loathes someone who can so brutally or clinically remove others from this earth, but if she were to go for someone they’d usually be sweeter in a sense. it meshes well with her old personality and kinder heart, perhaps brings it out in her, and that sort of levity and breeziness is more enjoyable than, say, being fully aware of the dangers that lurk around every corner because the man you’re beside is prone to bringing it. she also enjoys more talkative types, someone who’s less quiet and demure and serious, and is keen on her men having a hobby they care deeply for ; some sort of long term goal to work towards doesn’t hurt either. and because of some scenes in the comic, i’m a firm believer that mitzi wants someone who can make her smile or laugh with ease, whether because they’re ridiculous by nature or genuinely funny! she has a sort of funny bone herself, enamored with gallow’s humor and darker jokes, so having someone who either a.) reacts hilariously in the face of her jokes or b.) who can return that energy with teasing or their own brand of silly is desirable. everyone could use a good laugh or two, a sense of joy injected into the bustling life they all live, and this all ties back to mitzi being more drawn towards the less stuffy types of men.

so atlas seems to be an outlier when it comes to her type in many ways, hence the later problems they apparently had in their relationship even if she did love him dearly. but, of course, atlas did have something very appealing to her that zib had failed to give, which she rather fondly recalls in the comic page vestige. whether zib likes acknowledging it or not, mitzi wasn’t as gungho about their normad life as he was … or, at the very least, when she lived another life besides that one, she realized she had a preference! and atlas gave her that path, that knowledge that she wanted something else, and seemingly for the very first time in her life … she felt like a proper lady, a feeling that clearly meant a lot to her. it wasn’t just the dresses or the wealth, it was the constant eye of atlas who could have any dame he wanted, but fancied her his wife regardless. it was having someone so respectable looking, dressed well and groomed well, being able to see her as something other than a sweating, exposed girl in a bawdy dress. atlas’s seemingly polite treatment towards mitzi was enough to garner her affections in spite of everything else, so i think she enjoys that now in others, ; folks who treat her as though she’s a woman in high society, men who don’t gawk at her or make lewd remarks immediately … she probably prefers the courting process now and the quaint dates ( that she doesn’t pay for, mind you ) that come along with it. she just -- likes mutual respect, i think. and who doesn’t? she’s been through a lot to get to where she is now, even if it’s a bad predicament, and she’d like for that to amount to something. some sort of acknowledgment, some kind of recognition.

however, it’s worth mentioning that her views on romance and all that it entails have been warped since the death of her husband. such a loss would change how anyone approaches their dating life, if they were to even have one afterwards … after all, mitzi’s whole problem is that she doesn’t want to move on from atlas and has thus completely romanticized him in her head, to the point that she earnestly believes she’ll be miserable forever without his presence. any problems she had with atlas have long since been erased by her tortured mind, leaving her with a profound misery she’s wallowing in. i think she believes herself as incapble of romantic or sexual inclinations nowdays, leading her to view the advances made towards wick as a necessary ‘evil’ for the sake of atlas may and little else -- when she genuinely does like sedgewick to a degree, and wouldn’t go on dates or kiss a man unless some part of her honestly wanted to do so. ( i also think she was attracted to wick somewhat even while married to atlas, but that’s besides the point ) so this is all a rather complicated affair! she is vulnerable and weak, is too aware of herself and the criminal underbelly squeezing in closer … add this on top of her still heavily grieving and having no one she feels she can talk to, you have someone who is rather changed. mitzi is so far removed from herself and who she truly is, or was, that there’s no doubt it’s affected her type ; now she’ll settle for anyone if they’ll just help her, and even then she’d be dispassionate if romantic entanglement of any kind was involved in that relationship. it’s not something she wants right now, and honestly, it all seems scary and daunting … besides atlas, zib was the only other man she’s ever loved enough to stay around for, so she’s never faced a loss like this before. has kept zib throughout all the turmoil and changes -- so this is, as far as we know, her first major loss where it concerns matters of the heart. it’s not shocking she’s so messed up after it, especially given how fresh it all still is. all of this rambling is to say that mitzi’s a little more stingy and cagey then she used to be about love or sex, and she has a lot of inner battles to face before she can fall for someone and be sure about it. needs to thaw, i think, and she would require patience and understanding from anyone who actually wanted to be with her. mitzi could move on with time ( i do not think she’s the type of widow who’d never date again! ) but it would take quite some time to do so. well, in a world where she’s allowed / is able to heal anyway!

while her type would probably remain the same, i could see her wanting a serious relationship more than she did prior to the death of her husband. has no energy for the loopholes, or the rationalizations, or the fickle nature that can grip someone’s heart. she has matured in a lot of ways since her band days and would take comfort in frivolous things like labels and promises of a future, together, as lovers. while what she had with zib was nice and is cherished alongside the freedom to do as she pleased while on the road with the band, i don’t think she misses it. having the stability and assurance of an actual relationship, with all the hardships that come with it, would be better suited for her. as long as she’s treated like an equal of course! i don’t think she’d be keen on her partner hiding anything from her, even if it’s meant to protect her, due to where that put mitzi when atlas was killed. she’d rather know and be disgusted, or worried, or scared than to not know about something at all until it’s too late … again. naturally patience and compassion would also be of importance, as would the usual things she loves like loyalty and a passion for something in life. and while never required, she’d be happy if the person possessed even a singular musical bone in their body! she still thinks artists, particularly musicans, are sexy after all … likes the angst and brooding that comes with it, the slight flare towards the dramatics … as long as they can handle mitzi in her pitiful entirety and do, to some degree, care deeply for her and will compromise … i think she could find some happiness wherever. bonus points if she can live comfortably for the rest of her days too, lord knows she’s tired of the constant battle of hucking and bargaining.

but yeah! mitzi’s love life is vast and complex and i definitely see her as someone who is more flexible in type than other people are. though there are similarities between her suitors if you really look! anyway, i hope i was able to briefly touch upon this subject because my shipping brain loved your question and kinda went into overdrive, alas. tldr ; her ideal type is wick sable. sorry. once wick learns an instrument the wedding is back on!! … i’m kidding lol. well, mostly <3

[seaghosst]

we need to stop characterizing misako as a terrible mom and instead hate dr julien for deadbeat and leaving echo in that damn lighthouse

[itspileofgoodthings]

one of my favorite things about getting older is that I’m just more sure and more confident in taking control in social situations and making other people feel at ease. I really love it!

[nightfal1n]

"I miss you"

"I miss both of you"

+ Timelapse

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

I see your tags on the Wocky and Alita art, I would love to hear your thoughts on Alita actually!

I only need one person to show interest in what I have to say for me to talk forever and ever, thank you. HAHA Okay, in seriousness, this won't be as thorough/long as the Klavier post because... there really isn't much to her, but I find it extremely interesting how Alita falls into the same category of witnesses as April May and Dahlia without being — and I mean no offence to her when I say this — stunning? Like, with April and Dahlia, there's a very clear mass appeal to them which most people point out. Contrariwise, Alita's appearance is really only commented on by Trucy, and just glancing at her portrait, you can see that, without her slightly outlandish fashion, she's frankly nothing to write home about.

So why am I discussing this? Surely it's a little reductive to analyse female characters beginning with their appearances? Usually, yes, but that's the thing about this category of witnesses: their pretty faces aren't just pretty faces.

For April and Dahlia, their beauty is part of their arsenal. It functions as both their defence and their weapon of choice; they know how to wield it to bring people under their heel. Alita being ordinarily pretty instead of drop-dead gorgeous deprives her of that weapon and leads you to wonder how she became a mafia heiress to begin with. It also parallels her to Mimi Miney in a way that goes beyond the 'murderous nurse who worked for and killed her awful boss' comparison you get on the surface. Presumably, Alita, like Mimi, only got to where she was because she managed to fool the people around her into believing she was less dangerous than she actually is. Mimi did this by feigning stupidity and inviting people to underestimate her. Alita seems to do this by showing them what they want to see.

When she first meets Apollo and Trucy, Alita stays quiet and spends more time listening to them than she does talking. Once she has a hold on who they are, then she slips into her persona, and I find it interesting how she doesn't even attempt to come across as particularly delicate or lovelorn? Instead she goes for the relatively typical role of a distressed, indulgent loved one earnestly entreating Apollo for help. I'm inclined to say she does this because her read on Apollo makes her realise that he'd likely be exasperated or annoyed by such a person; but it's also almost as if she knows she doesn't have the disposition to pull off that frail, damsel-in-distress archetype and has resigned herself to being ordinary. Like how she looks. The next time she has to reapply her persona, Alita's appearing in court, and again she makes subtle adjustments that best suit her situation. The judge is old, so she takes a chance on expressing her dedication as a wife while balancing her dedication as a righteous citizen, which works. But oddly enough, despite her successes, I don't think Alita is actually good? At donning disguises? Everyone I've seen discuss this case has been able to guess almost immediately that she's the culprit, and maybe we're just prepped by past characters like her that have appeared, but I don't think she's even that convincing in the game.

Both the identities she assumes are risky manoeuvres that happen to fall in her favour, and she's not particularly dedicated to maintaining the front. When she asks Apollo to be Wocky's defence, she admits that marrying him is largely a chance at a more exciting life than some great love story; Plum Kitaki straight up says that there's a darkness in Alita she doesn't like, despite how docile Alita behaves in front of her; and Wocky has moments where he slips up and calls her things like, "imposter" and "fallen angel", implying that at least subconsciously, he knows she's not what she makes herself out to be. Even her general mannerisms don't greatly differ between her actual self and the mask who's blunt her claws — nothing is ever overtly coy or cutesy — and when Apollo brings up the fact she was Wocky's nurse, she drops the facade almost immediately. There's no waffling, no, "Whatever do you mean?"s or, "You're scaring me"s, just the statement, "I don't know what you mean by 'meaning', Mr. Justice!" delivered in a sudden cool, frosted steeliness.

And I think that steel is what really makes her different.

See, the other women are all driven to crime by some defining trait in themselves caused by their circumstances. For Dahlia, it's her desperate need to be free of the Fey clan; for Mimi, it's grief over her sister's unjust death; and for April, it's her fear of Redd White. You don't really get that with Alita. Instead of there being something dark in her life that leads her down this path, she just seems... tired. Tired of being "pretty enough" but not "gorgeous", tired of being the obedient nurse to the corrupt doctor, tired of being ordinary. There's no predatory external force pushing her into a corner, there's no abusive family beliefs pinning her down. There's just an ordinary life, lived dull and ordinarily, and she had had enough. So what does this girl, who's tired and ordinary in every way except the steel that lines her spine, do to get out of this?

She gambles.

Marrying into the mafia was a gamble, seeking Apollo as council was a gamble, shooting Dr. Meraktis was a gamble. Every decision she's made since she met Wocky has been a series of high-stakes gambles that leave her life on the line all so she won't be second-best anymore. This time, she was going to be the one on top. No matter what.

... And I'm sorry for loving evil women, but girlboss?? Girlboss???

I've heard people say they're disappointed that her "breakdown" is just an extension of her usual damage sprite, but it's honestly one of my favourite "breakdowns" in the series ever? Just because it isn't really one? Everything Alita has done up till now has been reckless, calculated risk, of course being convicted for murder is no different than losing in any other aspect of her life. Of course you're not going to get more than her damaged sprite, because this doesn't warrant a more dramatic reaction. She's lived this whole time knowing it could all come crashing down around her, and it finally did.

She made a bad bet. You caught her. Oh well.

The frosted girl of steel, standing tall to the very end. It's kind of sad that, even after all that, she's still seen as only second-best, incomparable to mimi, dahlia or any of the other women who've stood in her place.

[carefulfears]

thinking about scully sitting on the floor of mulder’s apartment just holding him as he wept after his mother’s death and after she told him through tears that it’s time to stop. it’s time to stop looking for his sister.

and how she had already told him that once, seven years earlier, a month into their partnership, when she chased him out of a police station and told him to stop running after his sister because it won’t bring her back.

she called after him to just stop, because she’s the scientist, and that’s the logical conclusion that she had reached.

except later that night, he told her why he does it. that he’s been closing his eyes and walking into that room, thinking maybe, when he opens them, his sister will be there, since he was 12 years old. “every day” of his life.

and she never told him to stop again.

until seven years later, when she rocked him on the floor, and then the next day was asked “why do you want to bring all this back up now?” and answered, “someone owes it to mulder.”

so she started looking. she reopened files, she tracked down records, she went to his mother’s house to dig through the trash. she confronted CSM about what he knew, she flew to california, she held hands and prayed.

she looked at mulder and said “it hurts me to tell you this” and stayed steady in the truth anyway. she listened to him read to her about a 14-year-old girl’s pain, held his hand and told him to get some sleep. she stayed up, kept looking, and found it. “i got it, mulder. i couldn’t believe it when i saw it. it was like it was looking for me.”

the police report from when samantha ran away.

she read the hospital records, went to the home of the nurse who signed the intake report, asked him if he wanted her to go herself.

she left him by the car and walked up and knocked, asked about a patient in 1979. she listened as the nurse described how “you couldn’t forget her or how frightened she was. scared for her sweet life.” and the man who came for her, who wouldn’t put out his cigarette.

earlier the day before, she had been told to just stop. “word of advice, me to you: let it be. you know, there’s some wounds that are just too painful ever to be reopened.”

and she had responded, “this particular wound has never healed. and mulder deserves closure.”

after seven years, she knows now, that you can’t just stop chasing. she knows how heavy grief is, and she‘s seen the effects of carrying it alone. of walking into the worst night of your life every day, eyes closed, hopeful.

you can’t just stop, and you can’t really have closure, but you can help someone carry it.

and ultimately, that’s what made this the end of the road. sometimes the heaviest burden of grief is feeling that pain is all there is left of someone, and that alleviating it would be to abandon them.

scully’s right, this wound has never closed, but there’s freedom in shared remembrance and shared dedication. she doesn’t ask him to stop until he’s ready to know the truth, and she’s willing to find it. she doesn’t ask him to rest until it’s safe for him to, because it’s not forgetting samantha. she knows and she remembers.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Comte 7th Birthday Story Event Translation

Hey everybody! Been a bit of a hectic month, but you know the hype never stops for Comte in this house. I've translated the first parts of this story, with more to come as soon as I complete the rest.

Without further ado, jpnese story event spoilers below:

One day, at the beginning of October, just as the signs of autumn were beginning to deepen-- I was enjoying tea time with Comte under the pavilion of the mansion. MC: There’s no mistaking it, clear skies and the sun high in the sky…it’s nearly autumn. Comte: Yes. It’s pure bliss to be able to have tea time outside on such a pleasant and sunny day. Comte, who was sitting across from me, suddenly frowns at the oncoming breeze. Comte: But the wind is a little chilly. Are you cold, MC? MC: No, I don’t mind it…[sneeze sfx] (! What a moment for me to sneeze of all times…) Comte: …

MC: I-I’m sorry. But really, I’m okay. He suddenly smiled and stood up as I anxiously tried to reassure him. Comte: --Don’t push yourself too hard. Comte, who moved to sit next to me, unfolded his coat and hugged me from behind to wrap me up in his warmth. MC: Th-thank you very much Comte: You’re welcome (It’s warm…) While I’m ticklishly happy and delighted, Comte spoke as if he had remembered something.

Literally????? That's so cute. No notes that is the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It's hilarious because as I was reading I was so 👀 why don't you warm her up, then, Comte. And then he immediately did and I was like AAAAAAAA BEST MAN!!!! KING!!!!!!

I have decided my new eternal location will be within Comte's coat, no I don't take criticism. This is my happy place

Comte: I’ve heard that my aristocratic friends have decided to hold a birthday party for me on October 25th this year. MC: Oh my, that’s wonderful Comte: If you don’t mind, I’d like to go with you Comte: --Will you stay by my side as my partner, MC? I couldn’t help the way my cheeks burned as he looked intently into my eyes. MC: If you’ll have me, then with pleasure When I nodded Comte beamed, his eyes sparkling with delight. Comte: Thank you, I’m looking forward to escorting you that day.

At the risk of calling him adorable 18 times in the course of this process, I will now be communicating telepathically--

(If it’s a party explicitly for him, it’ll probably be more luxurious than usual.) (If it’s on his birthday, I want to do something to celebrate him too…) What on earth should I do, what can I do to make Comte happy? (...there’s still some time. I’ll think it over.) It remained on my mind-- (What should I do? I was still mulling it over, despite his birthday only three days away…) (The time limit served to make me more anxious, and I couldn’t seem to think straight. As I walked down the hall worrying…) Leonardo: What’s wrong, cara mia? There’s a deep furrow in your brow

I love Leonardo so much sometimes, "ayo your face is all messed up, what's the matter?" this is just classic him, 11/10 never gets old

MC: Oh… Leonardo was walking by and stopped me, which was enough to make me come to my senses. (Yes, I might be able to get some good ideas from Leonardo…!) MC: Leonardo, could you give me some advice? Leonardo: Hm? I don’t mind… Leonardo blinked with surprise for a moment, before turning his face and smiling. Leonardo: Does cara mia’s problem…have something to do with ‘Comte’s’ birthday? MC: How did you… (Was it written all over my face?)

Oh MC, we really in it now--

As my voice lowered from the embarrassment of being seen through, Leonardo laughed with good humor. Leonardo: Actually, just a moment ago, Comte wouldn’t stop gushing about how excited he was to go to his birthday party with you. (Oh, I’m in love with you…) I was beyond happy--but also feeling shy about it--and all of a sudden I went pink from the neck up. Leonardo: So, what is it that you’re worried about? MC: …I wanted to be able to congratulate him in my own way, but given Comte is a man with everything at his fingertips I have no idea what to get him. I’ve been wracking my brain. MC: You’ve known him for a long time, haven’t you Leonardo? Can you give me some pointers? Leonardo: I see, that’s a very cute problem Leonardo laughed lightly as he answered.

Literally that part with MC where she goes (Oh, I'm in love with you...) had to be one of the funniest moments of identification I've ever had while playing an otome. The way she really went SOBS WAILS CRIES HE'S ADORABLE AAAAAAAA because g o d, same. I love how Comte is just that guy who gets married and is like HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE. I LOVE MY WIFE. WHERE'S MY WIFE--deadass it's like that one reddit guy meme (mywife is soft nd ilikeher...) from a while back.

I also think it's so cute that Leo's just watching all this from afar like ":> good for them." It just gave me such warm fuzzies!!

Leonardo: All I can say is Leonardo: Even if you have everything…that doesn’t necessarily mean you feel fulfilled/satisfied in every way possible. MC: huh… (What does he mean?) Leonardo squints his eyes a little at me when I tilt my head. He looks calm, but also like he’s looking somewhere far away. Leonardo: Why don’t you ask Comte what it was like, on his birthday, before he met you. (What was it like on his birthday before he met me…?) As I was deep in thought, Leonardo patted me on the shoulder as the corner of his mouth went up a little. Leonardo: Well, in the end, I think even if you don’t--he’ll be happy with whatever present you think of.

Honestly this is something that's frequently on my mind, and really timely in the context of the 5th bday story that just came out. Because I really do think Comte values sincerity of feeling and consideration for him a whole lot more than he does anything material. I've also been thinking about his upbringing and how it created a basis for that feeling, a kind of vacuum in his interactions with the world--in which a buried and silenced yearning keeps resurfacing despite his best efforts to smile and keep moving. Namely because he met people and had mentors who were earnest and heartfelt in their care for him, who raised him like a human child. Then he was more or less told at like 12 with zero warning: yeah you're never going to feel that again. Perform to survive and that's the most you'll ever get out of life. (Fellas...)

How to broach the topic. On the one hand, I could see how this is a reflection of a warped understanding--arguably even a kind of deeply embodied hopelessness--that his family/other purebloods imbued into him. But on the other, I can't help but feel that's just so many levels of effed up. It's not really hard to imagine how Comte lost himself, became so conflicted and distanced from his own desires. It's interesting too, because when Vlad tells him in the main story route "So you’re not going to do anything, as usual?…You’ve always been uncertain and indecisive, Comte…Even when you lost ‘her’ during the war…" and more or less goads him, I don't think I fully appreciated the meaning behind Comte's silent answering wrath at the implication. Because to be honest, Vlad was hitting an extremely sensitive point; that Comte wants more, but genuinely struggles acting on it with confidence because of his experiences and conditioning.

One thing I love about Ikevamp is that it is quintessential good writing in the sense that, even years later, I go back and I see dimensions to what's been said/felt and more layers of nuance than I'd ever imagined. Certainly Vlad's sentiment is insensitive on the surface level: he's making light of someone who died horribly, someone who died unjustly, in front of someone who felt real love for that person's life. But even deeper than that, Vlad's mocking a profound insecurity and point of prolonged pain for Comte that he struggles to talk about with much of anyone. To know that, and to use something so deeply private, is like the twist of a knife already embedded beneath the skin. It's no wonder Comte has a moment where he's inches from retaliating against his better judgment.

I feel like I also identify with this notion of feeling like something is deeply wrong, but not having the scope to be able to fully understand why or how to break away from it. I find it really realistic that Comte needed time and input from others to move away from that conditioning, to start seeing the world in a different light. Maybe even more apt, it all started with an act of courage; messy, well-meaning, imperfect--but true to who he wanted to be for the first time in his long life.

As I was spending time with Comte later that night, I couldn’t get Leonardo’s words out of my mind the entire time… Comte: --MC. [the way i hid my face STOP READING MY MIND S I R] Suddenly, Comte looked over from where he was sitting next to me. Comte: You look like there’s something’s weighing on your mind…did something happen? MC: Well… At the sound of his gentle probing, I find the courage to ask. MC: Earlier today, I was talking to Leonardo about attending the birthday party. Along the way I started to wonder what it was like for you on your birthdays before we met. MC: Could you please tell me about your birthday…before you met me?

Okay but like. I am seriously such a sucker for a couple knowing each other long enough where they just. Glance at the other and are like "aight wtf happened." It's beautiful. 100/10 hits every single time. No notes, poetic cinema.

I also love this sensibility between them where they're very good at giving each other some time to process things first. Like I can think of so many instances where Comte knew something was wrong immediately, but he waited to bring it up out of respect for her 🥺💜

Comte: … He blinked a little in surprise, but then his face clouded. Comte: …my birthday, before I met you? Comte: It’s such a boring/trifling story it wouldn’t even be worth telling as a bedtime story. MC: I’d still like to know…please, if you could tell me. I stared at him, and he let out a small sigh after I asked. Comte: --What I’m going to tell you now, it was a long time ago. Comte: There were many, many occasions in which other aristocrats threw big birthday parties for me. 

Okay, I wanna talk about this mainly because I was so genuinely shocked by his sheer...vehemence? And self-derision regarding who he perceives he used to be. Because I feel like he usually just tries to elide it, or make light of it--not the visceral contempt here that startled me. In some ways, I feel like it might be because he feels more comfortable expressing the extent of his unhappiness with how his life used to be, and that's a good thing. On the other--;-;. I just want to hug him so bad...Comte don't deride the man I love, he's doing his best and is very special to me and lovely 😭

(Flashback begins) --Music plays at a spectacular venue and various meals were provided to entertain people dressed to the nines. Comte, who was the star of the night, was surrounded by many gorgeous women… Noble’s daughter: Congratulations, Comte Noblewoman: Congratulations! Blessings, mountains of gifts, and laughter echoes throughout the venue. At first glance, it did indeed look like a gorgeous birthday party, but in reality it was just a pretense. (No matter who I look at, this place reeks of barely disguised avaricious ambition.) No matter how many well wishes I receive in a place where such vapid desires swirl, my heart will never be satisfied-- Comte: While it may have been a birthday party, ultimately everyone was there for the sake of my wealth, status, and power…. Comte: --No matter how gorgeous the evening party, every corner of the room dripping in vanity left my heart more unsatisfied than ever.

Literally I am torn between two feelings. The first being, oh Abel. King. You would have loved My Chemical Romance, you were robbed as a young vampire. Second, the sheer unabating passion I feel for his emo dismissal of their vapidities is enough to make me explode. Comte I want you carnally. There's something very real and hilarious about even rich people hating other rich people that makes me wheeze.

(To be fair, there were likely a few decent folk among them as it often happens in any demographic of people--I just think it's very growing pains mood to kind of lose hope in others. We all have that phase.)

MC: … I was speechless, and kept staring at him in silence. His profile took on a blank, empty look; it was hard to believe he was talking about his own birthday party. Just looking at that expression makes my heart tighten… Comte: On the surface, I made an effort to look like I was enjoying myself. But deep down it just wasn’t the case-- Comte: With one of my pureblood friends, I accidentally let it slip when I was talking to him that same night. Comte: I feel so…empty (returns to the flashback)

Not the dissociation taking over, king 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Although this next part gets so unhinged I was literally screaming, it's a miracle Comte is some degree of normal after exposure to whatever the hell this is.

Pureblood friend: In that case, it might do you some good to fall in love. It would be nice to fall in love with another pureblood…but it would be especially nice with a human. Falling in love with a human will fill your heart with more warmth than ever before. Comte: Why would you go to the trouble of falling in love with a human…? Pureblood friend: They are truly beautiful, incandescent in the short lives that they live. They have the spark of life that we lack. I was intrigued by the “love that transcends kind” that my friend talked about so enthusiastically-- Comte: And what happened to that human lover…? Pureblood friend: …We broke up My friend shrugged his shoulders, looking rather sad. Pureblood friend: I knew I couldn’t stay by her side forever. So I said goodbye before it became too hard. Pureblood friend: Besides, if we stayed together for too long, people would eventually realize who we really are. We are different creatures, after all. Comte: …I see. [he looks so openly upset about this ;HDSGLKHDJFGHLKSJH] Pureblood friend: But I have no regrets. Even if it was only for a short while, I was able to love someone so deeply.

Where do I even begin with this one. What kind of advice is this.

Comte: feeling the existential dread more acutely with each passing day. will the emptiness ever end? His friend: go have a human fling and that'll make everything better. just let someone else fix you

He really said "bestie it's time for hot girl summer" and I really just don't know what to say here. Like. Please don't try this at home????? That is not remotely the correct answer but also that's lowkey so insane it loops right back around to being uproariously funny. The absurdist humor just writes itself here honestly.

This is what people mean when they say those born rich and powerful are just severely out of touch with basic tenants of humanity.

I’m torn between feeling disappointed, but also understanding where he’s coming from. No matter how hot the flame of love burns--it takes but a moment to extinguish between purebloods and human people. (No, it’s not limited to love…that’s how it always is, with humans. Every interaction is destined to end sooner or later.) Every time it happens, I feel the sadness pile up in my heart. How long will I go on living like this? The only answer I ever get is that it’s eternally inevitable. I lived in fear of that loneliness, seeking to avoid it by indulging in momentary pleasures-- (End of flashback) Comte: I figured the day I would feel fulfilled would never truly come… Comte: I lived as I pleased, such was the nature of my decadent birthdays.

Rest assured, Comte demonstrates how much he took this advice with a grain of salt throughout this event--which is honestly something I love so much about him. It's clear he really only agrees on the level of how difficult it is to be close to humankind, not really the idea that flings are the universal stopgap to his despair. I do think it's true we need support from others to grow and change, but I don't think this nuance is quite captured by his pureblood friend. I think Comte felt it didn't serve as an answer that was satisfactory to him, so he did what made him feel safe until he could understand how to act on what he wanted.

MC: Oh… I get a glimpse of him as he was all those years ago, buried in the emptiness of his past. I naturally hugged him close to me where I was sitting beside him. Comte: MC… Comte murmured in surprise, wrapping his arms around me and stroking my back. Comte: …While I was reminiscing about my birthday, it seems I got a bit carried away with the conversation.

EVERYBODY SAY THANK YOU MC FOR HUGGING COMTE, BECAUSE GOD SAME. THIS POOR MAN :(( 💜💜💜💜

Comte: You can rest assured. It’s already a thing of the past, that I would spend each birthday mired in such dissatisfaction.  MC: Then, what about now…? When I looked up, even from this close proximity his eyes only reflected me. Comte: --my thoughts from that time have changed ever since I met you. He touches my cheek and strokes it as if to seek out my warmth. Comte: 'Even if I fall in love, this emptiness will never be filled…' Comte: What’s more, I’ve given up on the idea that it’s futile to fall in love with a human, that I would only suffer from the distance between us… Comte: MC, you’re the one who changed everything for me.

Screaming, crying, wailing, barking, etc.

But also I feel something so real and raw in the idea that he was just tired of being forced to hide all his life. The earnest yearning for someone who can love and accept you as you are, rather than for all that you feel you have to be. The difference between love that is perpetually conditional, versus unconditionally gifted in perpetuum.

MC: Me…? Comte: Yes Comte smiled and looked up gently, leaning closer. Comte: I met you, and I fell in love with you from the bottom of my heart. Comte: In you, I found meaning in building up the “present” that we share together, accumulating into eternity. When I closed my eyes, soft lips pressed against mine lovingly. Comte: …you filled up the emptiness in my heart. The shadow that had crept into his eyes vanished just as quickly as it had emerged, filling me with relief. (“Even if you have everything, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re satisfied with it all.”...) (I think I finally understand what Leonardo was getting at…) When this occurred to me, something came to mind that I wanted to give him for his birthday…--

--It was the day of Comte’s birthday celebration. We were heading over to the party. Comte dressed me in fineries, from dresses to jewelry to accessories, for today. MC: Thank you for such a wonderful dress and accessories… Comte: It was my pleasure, thank you for indulging my selfishness. Comte: I was especially excited to dress you up to my liking, tonight. Comte, who was sitting across from me, narrowed his eyes that were tinged with love. Comte: You look stunning, every bit as much as I thought you would. It’s going to be a challenge keeping you away from everyone who falls madly in love at the sight of you, once again.

MC: Th-there’s no one like that, don’t be silly Comte: Yes there is. In fact, he’s sitting right in front of you…a man who sees only you. When I looked down, shy from all the words of praise and his unabashedly passionate gaze, the stone on my bracelet caught my eye. (This is…) I didn’t notice it when I was changing into everything, but when the setting sun’s light shone against it, the stone turned the same amber color as Comte’s eyes--a sparkling gold. At the same moment, the carriage came to a halt. Comte: It appears we’ve arrived. Now, MC, allow me to escort you. --When we entered the venue, everyone was already gathered and waiting for our arrival. The eyes of the guests turned toward us in unison. Aristocratic woman: Comte! Happy birthday! Daughter of a noble family: You look very handsome tonight, Comte! Just like the story he recounted to me of birthdays past, many beautiful women began to gather around Comte. However, Comte’s eyes were on me…. Comte: Come here, MC

"He's sitting right in front of you...a man who sees only you."

However, Comte's eyes were on me...... "Come here, MC"

S T O P KING, it's a wonder MC didn't disintegrate from the attention, I know I would straight up perish 😭🥺💜

[alfhildr-the-word-weaver]

I got thinking too much about Marwa from What We Do in the Shadows again and how she was canonically making observations of Jupiter and Saturn in the 1200s. Then I thought about how Elena took Damon to go watch a meteor shower, and I decided that Marwa and Elena should get away from all the vampire drama B.S. in their lives and go nerd out about astronomy together, and this moodboard sort of happened. I also thought about how Elena becomes a doctor and went ah, they are both women in STEM! So I ran with that as a theme too.

But yeah, Marwa needs a friend who will actually support her interests and engage with her intellectually (no shade to Nadja and the Guide, I'm glad they had a fun weekend watching Mamma Mia together which was literally the only time we got to actually see Marwa happy onscreen, but they have never demonstrated much interest in science that I can recall and I want Marwa to have an astronomy buddy), and I think Elena would be fascinated by her and her perspectives on astronomy from centuries ago, and they could learn about modern astronomical advances together. If I find the time and energy I might even write fic about it, but for now, here is a moodboard so that we can all bask in the vibes of my beautiful crossover vision together.

Image sources: x x x / x (the first frame of x gif + a screenshot from x) x / x + x x x