#i lose confidence/interest every 3-4 days and have to struggle for a while

[kynamo]

hello!! i just wanted to ask a few questions if that's fine

1) ur style is amazing!! i enjoy how soft it all looks - its not a question just wanted to say that

2) why do you like bkdk? not trying to be rude or anything! i'm really curious is all

3) what brushes/programs do you use, i've been curious about it for a while now

Whoa my first ask!

thank you so much!!! I'm glad you enjoy my style so much, it makes me happy to see people enjoy my art

I'll answer your third question first as that will be a much shorter response HA; I use Clip Studio Paint, as for my brushes I use all sorts of brushes that I've downloaded from the shop. But the brushes I've been using the most lately is one called 6B Pen! the content ID is: 1995920 if that helps :)

as for your second question... this will be a lengthy response! and a bit of spoilers too the further I talk (1.2k words! goddamn)

I've honestly loved both Deku and Bakugo since the beginning! Their dynamic is one of the most interesting dynamics I've seen in a while personally. I was really into MHA back in 2016-2017 (my irls that knew me then will know this as a fact) and I was a HUGE Deku fan. I remember when the panels of Bakugo getting kidnapped happened and that was WILD. I knew since the beginning that these two were not gonna just disappear from each other's lives, they were connected to each other.

Witnessing Bakugo's development made me root for him and love him. A lot of people want him to change his entire personality which doesn't make sense to me, like he wouldn't be Bakugo without the attitude. He's a flawed character who has changed for the better. I'm honestly glad it took him a while to apologize. You actually got to see the progression of him realizing that he fucked up and is genuinely sorry for what he’s done. If it had been done any sooner the apology wouldn’t have been as impactful. He wouldn’t have been as genuine otherwise. That’s HIGHLY important to him as a character. There’s so much I can say about him as a character as there’s quite a lot of depth to him that I heavily enjoy!

I’ll leave Bakugo with one final thing as I’ve said so much already gejdndn but!! I think one of the major things some people struggle with when it comes to change is that change doesn’t always mean changing every aspect of yourself. Changing every part of yourself can sometimes make you feel lost or like an impostor in your own skin. I think it’s important for Bakugo’s character to have the development to understand he isn’t invincible, that he can lose, he’s made mistakes and has been trying to make up for it, and it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to feel but you can no longer bottle it up like once before. Those days are over. But that doesn’t mean he has to change the core part of himself. He’s learned his own way of what it means to be a hero.

Yeah Bakugo is loud! He’s proud! He’s witty! He’s able to adapt to situations and he’s quick to think about what he needs to do to reach absolute victory! He’s learned the lesson that he doesn’t have to be nice, but he needs to be kind. Those are two very different things. He’s never gonna stop swearing and being a bit of a menace but you know you always got someone in your corner when you need it with him.

Deku to me is also an incredibly interesting character. In the beginning he wasn’t super confident about himself, he had to play catch-up to all of his peers when they’ve had their quirks since they were 4! That means he had to work harder, be smarter, to be adaptable as he wasn’t able to use OFA to its full potential. While everyone had years worth of practice when it came to trying to get into UA, he had less than a DAY. There was also a giant secret that was his responsibility to keep at such a young age.

A secret… that he immediately told Bakugo about.

Deku who wasn’t confident in himself, someone who was told he could never do it, a boy who had no power of his own, yet he had a soul/heart of a hero. He naturally wanted to save. The kicker is his first need to save came about because of Bakugo. Deku saw Bakugo and his body moved on it's own. There's so much to unpack with that alone! But Deku obviously had his development occur over the series.

He struggled with this idea that he had to do this alone. He was isolated from his peers due to having to keep this massive secret from them. You can see he got close to his friends, but he didn't really talk to them about himself. Yeah they were close! But he kept a lot of his guard up around them still.

He was friendly but he wasn't open.

It was interesting to witness this arc of his over time how he became more confident in himself and in his abilities to save. But there was also another set of developments that were occurring that has led us to his vigilante arc. This need to be a hero led him down isolation. He became fearful because Shigaraki figured out his weakness.

Deku doesn't want to admit to his own feelings.

Deku keeps it locked up.

And that to me is when shit gets real fascinating.

I said earlier that Bakugo has become more open over time. He's accepted his feelings and isn't trying to bottle it up any longer. Deku on the other hand who is seen having his heart on his sleeve never tells anyone what he is really thinking. Every once in a while does he actually say what's truly on his mind (“I could admire All Might from a distance, but you were right there. This amazing person in my life! That's why I always… I always… chased after you!” - Deku says this in chapter 119!) but other than that he keeps his cards rather close to his chest (“When the urge to win is stronger than the desire to save, I tend to run my mouth a little more without thinking. You'd think I'd hate myself for that, but…somewhere deep inside… It's because you're who I picture when I think of ‘victory.’” - Deku's thoughts in chapter 120!).

It wasn't until recently that we, as the readers - have been entirely closed off from what Deku is thinking. Yet there has been a new possibility that has just opened up: Bakugo's thoughts.

"Because for all of his triumphs, he was still just a damned nerd." (chapter 348!)

Holy fuck??

Everyone is pretty much certain at this point in time that Bakugo was the one narrating chapter 348. Deku closed his thought process off but Bakugo has opened up his. Quite the fucking development if I do say so myself. They somehow swapped! And I can talk for two hours about this (and I have actually! the power of neurodivergency is so real) but I should cut this much shorter HELP

This all adds up to why these guys are my favorite out of the whole series. Their separate development including how their arcs go with each other and bounce off one another is so fucking cool!! They're foils of each other and it just works. I've always been interested in characters and how they'll change over the course of time and these two have really made my brain rattle.

It's due to this that to me they just work overall. Shit you don't even have to see them in a romantic light if you really don't want to. But to me: they're partners in every sense of the word. Their relationship cannot be broken, they're always meant to have the other in their lives. And that's why I ship them.

Plus to me they're just so silly... how could you not love them???

THANK YOU IF YOU REACHED THIS FAR?? and thank you anon for asking!!!

[mimicteruyo]

Concept: what if NaNoWriMo was already over and I didn’t have to write so goddamn much every day?

[karmelek-writes]

comfort zone I part 4 - teaser #2

Harrison Osterfield x fem!reader, Tom Holland x fem!reader

Synopsis: What do you do when you love them but want someone else?

A/N: Hi guys! Firstly, I want to apologise for my long absence. I don't want to dwell on it too much, last month was extremely busy for me. However, I'm back now and to those who were patiently waiting for me to post - thank you for staying here and I love you guys! This is yet another teaser for part 4 of comfort zone. I'm about to finish writing it soon so I will post the whole part in a few days, but I wanted to make up for not posting for a while! I hope you're excited and I can't wait to read your thoughts! Love, W.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes!

Read part 1, part 2, and part 3

In Harrison’s mind winning you over wasn’t hard. He had a plan and it included being the best man he could be for you. Not that he normally wasn’t nice but when it came to you, he made sure to put extra effort in everything he was doing because he wanted to impress you so much. He failed to understand one thing, though, and it was his own admiration towards you. You were a good girl from a good house and Harrison knew that, he was your friend before but he couldn’t make out when he first realised he liked you and when liking you turned into being into you and when that turned into completely and utterly adoring you. His feelings crushed at him at the most unexpected moment and it scared him and thrilled at the same time. He was eager because you never failed to keep him on his toes, making him submit to you and falling in love with you every single day but also afraid because he never in his life felt such intense feelings towards any girl and he didn’t quite know what it meant for him. However, Harrison wasn’t stupid. He was more than aware of Tom’s feelings for you even if the man himself wasn’t yet. The way Tom spoke about you, with how much love your name rolled out of his mouth started making Harrison sick to his stomach. He was Tom’s friend but he couldn’t bring himself to stop talking to you or blocking you from his life. Harrison was breaking the bro code and he hated to be that person but he didn’t want to choose between love and friendship. That’s why he never told Tom about you. In his eyes, you and Harrison were just good friends who reconnected after losing contact. The blonde didn’t have the heart to reveal the truth, especially when Tom was venting to him about how he fucked up your friendship and how bad he wanted you back. He didn’t even have the courage to back up when the oldest Holland asked him for help with winning you back. That’s how he knew that Tom was about to call you tonight to make things right and that was the reason for your little adventure. Well, it wasn’t the only reason because he still wanted to do something nice for you and spend some quality time together but he still wished you forgot about Tom. He wished that after today you would see that Harrison was better for you than the bruette, because even though he was assured of your mutual attraction, he knew you still liked Tom. Another thing was that Harrison knew he was always the second choice. Most girls only talked to him to get with Tom and he was sick of being treated like a means to an end. Once in his life he wanted to be the chosen one, he wanted you to choose him. He hated himself for competing with his best friend for your favours, but what made him feel even worse was using Tom’s feelings to his advantage. Despite everything, they were still best friends. Harrison had Tom’s plan of making you like him again written in his head that’s why he was ten steps ahead in their game. He didn’t like referring to you as a prize someone could win, you weren’t an object that could satisfy anyone but that was how he felt - like a player who was too proud to back up even if he knew he should. The truth was Harrison was desperate. It’s been too long since he got a sense of comfort from someone, since he felt needed and wanted, and to his liking and hating, since someone made his skin burn just by a simple brush or caused his blood rush south just by glancing at him. He wanted- no, he needed that intimacy. He did what he did because it’s been too long since he felt like he was alive.

“Hey, are you okay?” your sweet, dripping with concern voice brought Harrison back to harsh reality.

“Oh, sorry. Yes, yes, I’m okay,” he didn’t know if he was trying to convince you or himself but it seemed to work as your full of worry eyes gleamed with their usual playfulness.

“You haven’t been listening to anything I said, have you?” a lopsided smile and apologetic glance sent your way were enough to confirm your suspicion. “It’s okay, it wasn’t anything interesting anyway,” you faked a chuckle to relieve some tension as you felt stupid for rambling. That must have been the reason Harrison zoned out, you thought, mentally scolding yourself for boring him.

“Hey, hey, no! Look at me, please,” at his plea you moved to face the blonde and you immediately melted just from looking straight into his ocean blue eyes. “I’m sorry for zoning out. Please, don’t think that I’m not interested in what you’re saying. It’s just um…” you sent him a warm smile noticing the hesitation in his melodic voice hoping it would help him to open up. The trick did its job as Harrison giggled at you. “It isn’t fair, you know?” he groaned playfully.

“What are you talking about?” you played stupid, sending him another “innocent” smile.

“THIS is what I’m talking about! You can’t just smile at me like that, it makes my knees weak and I want-” Harrison bit his tongue just in time to stop himself from saying something he’d regret later. He wasn’t ready to tell you about his feelings yet, as horrible as it sounded he needed to take Tom out of the picture first.

“And you want…” you didn’t let him get away with continuing, as you nodded at him to go on. Harrison cursed under his breath, not sure what to do next.

“I’ve just been having a rough time lately,” his mood shifted slightly and you probably wouldn’t notice if it wasn’t for him fidgeting with his fingers. You picked up that it was one of the things he used to do when he was nervous so you took matters into your own hands to lighten up the mood. You took his hand into yours, fingers intertwining with his as you squeezed his palm to silently assure him of your presence and support. Turning to face him you made a bold move to place a gentle kiss right at the corner of his mouth. You didn’t know what gave you confidence but you wanted to make him feel better, to show him you were there for him too. Pulling out slightly you made a mistake to avert your gaze from his lips and look him in the eyes. It felt as if the time stopped when Harrison subtly titled his head to the side without breaking eye contact. Desire evident in his azure irises consuming your soul, yet he hesitated to press his soft lips to your own. Noses brushing, you could feel his hot and uneven breath on your burning skin. Suddenly you forgot how to breathe, too occupied by the rapid heartbeat buzzing in your ears to pay attention to Harrison’s thumb caressing your rosy from excitement cheek.

“Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, I’m here for you,” you were scared to speak up so as not to ruin the sweet moment, so you whispered the words as delicately as you could, wishing that it could last forever. Harrison nodded at you, implying that he understood what you tried to say, too busy admiring your beauty from up close. After seeing his stare wandering on your features you suddenly became highly alerted of every single imperfection evident on your skin. Insecure of yourself, you turned away to look at the smouldering flames, too embarrassed to notice Harrison’s loving gaze.

Taglist: @osterfieldshollandgirl, @tom-holland-is-spiderman-archive, @harryhollandsgirlfriend, @peachyafshawn, @whltlock

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon, im gonna start combing the two separate submissions again cause its getting too short to have them separate I think?

1: His possession messed with memories Ranbob had before, so memories of school friends or playing with Ran were distant to erased. Though after Dreams possession it was also harder to make and keep memories. But thankfully as Ranbob was recovering from Dream and got futher away making memories came eaiser to him, though he'll never get back the memories he lost. 

3: Oh he would very quickly grow to regret his decision, but it would be funny. And Benjamin would later admit that while it was annoying and stressful, it was also fun and he was very happy to have his two families meet and generally get along. 

8: Everyone is just in shocked silence before Cletus just goes "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!" Oddly happy that Ranboo committed so much arson. Oh definitely, after all the outcasts of society where put there. Of course people would make such negative rumors about Mizu and treat the people as the scum of the earth. Though this also means, people don't know what happened in Mizu, and anyone who knows, view it in a more happy and a "Their finally gone" type of way, then viewing it as the tragedy it was. 

Spoons is a card game technically. A group of people sit in a group and everyone gets 4 cards, and you keep discarding at least 1 card of yours to the person on your left, who then does the same to their person on their left, the last person in the group puts a card into a discard pile. The goal is to get 4 of the same cards, and once someone gets 4 of the same cards, that person goes and grabs a spoon in a pile in front of them (let's say there's 5 players, theres only going to be 4 spoons cause there's always a spoon less than the people playing), once they grab one anyone can grab a spoon. And the person who doesn't get a spoon gets a S added to them, once Spoons is spelled the person gets out of the game, and a spoon gets removed to continue the game. Basically for flowers its played the exact same way but with flowers in the middle expect for spoons.

11: I just imagine Dream sulking in a corner as you yell at him and him going like "well I didn't know…" as he kicks a stone. And he wasnt sure what it was, but quickly jumped on the idea that maybe it was the fact that Ran was still alive somewhere, and that that's causing Ranbob to willingly let himself become weak and defy him. Causing Dream to become angrier at Ran and punish Ranbob harder. 

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3: During the brothers fight in the storm, and after everyone runs off to find Ranbob, Ran is left alone. And he decides to just wander off into the storm, not protecting himself from the rain so he does get burnt. The whole time he's lost deep in thought and isn't really paying attention. He continues to wander for a whole day unfollowed (because after the Gladiators and Fishermen came back to the cave after finding Ranbob they are in no rush to find Ran and decide to look for him after the storm passes, which takes a full day) and at some point Raq finds him wandering. Which Raq then uses Rans distraction to his advantage and attacks him. At first only really the gladiators where concerned when they found Ran gone. But once they found him blinded and terrified everyone felt awful and a looming sense of guilt. And everyone continued to feel that way, even after they got the antidote and Ran started to see again.

4: They would just leave Ranbob alone and check in on him every now and again. But generally let him deal with it himself. They'd feel guilty leaving him alone, but they also know that they can't really do anything for him as their not prepared or briefed on how to help him in this situation. 

10: Oh definitely, even with Ran blinded they would've been kicked out immediately for fighting, without even a second glance. Dont forget, Ran still cares for his brother. And maybe, losing his sight made him face the side of him that wanted to become family again with Ranbob, maybe it brought enough to light that he just can't ignore it anymore. Mostly only negative potions can be permanent, like posion, blinding, wither, and nausea (I know the last like 3/2 are effects but they've also found a way to make effects into potions.). You already know what a antidote for blindness would be. A antidote for wither would be, a ghast tear (actually a basic ingredient for almost every antidote), blaze powder, and glistening melon to make a overpowered healing potion. Antidote for posion would be ghast tear, swiftness (so it acts fast to get rid of the posion), and the 3rd ingredient depends on what kind of posion it  was (posion that has a side effect of constricting or filling the lungs with water? Pufferfish and Turtle shell for last ingredients. Posion that has weakness? Blaze powder, and glistening melon) And antidote for nausea would be ghast tear, and potion of slowness to allow the person to slowly feel better, so their nausea doesn't hit them all at once before disappearing, which can cause them to throw up or have side effects. 

13: Thats exactly what they did. 

14: Jackie will 100% attempt to fight God and no one can stop him. :) (to be honest im not sure yet, I know I want to do more with Raq and have the idea that maybe he could be the person that finds Dream and gets him out of Mizu, but that's pretty often used in stories and I want to try to think of something more unique. Maybe I'll have it so Raq actually manages to capture the brothers or at least one of them and uses them as blackmail?)

15: When Ranbob was a child and Ran was just a baby Ranbob would often take Ran out of his crib and take him to go watch the fish swim by. When Ran was old enough he'd follow Ranbob everywhere, even a few times he managed to sneak into Ranbobs class room and almost wasn't caught. Ran got extremely clingy one day and managed to gather his haunting all up into his arms and carried them around, even though he was obviously struggling. And Ranbob used to complain about his teachers and idiotic classmates whenever he got home, which is funny when you consider Ran was very impressiable at the time and Ran started mimicking Ranbob, leading to him cursing, much to Ranbobs dismay. 

And im curious, do you have any questions that I havent answered? Or do you have any ideas for anything? I'd love to hear whatever you have to say about anything honestly!

Course! I dont have much lore wise other than they go to Kelalen and when they hear Dream is still around they decide to stay back to help fight him. But the idea I have is that Karl is just kinda hanging with everyone I listed, talking about allies or treaties when his time traveling clock/watch starts to go off, and he panics, but sadly in his haste to stop it he makes it worse and it grabs everyone, where they end up in the future. After hours of confusion and explaining they calm down. When 2 days later they find the Gladiator and Fishermen group, at first Karl is strongly against going to then for help, but everyone basically ignores him and go to ask for help. Hours of explanation and proof giving later the GF (Gladiator and Fishermen, got tired of writing it out) group sadly tells them that they cant really help. Until Ran (who was previously gone searching the surrounding area and making sure it was safe) appears high up on a tree (cause I just can't get the image of Ran on a tree and looking comfortable and confident as hell out of my head), and says that maybe Kelalen can help, if not going to Foolish may be a good alternative. Isaac, and Grievous are extremely against going back (at this time a 2 months have past since they left Kelalen)n saying it could be dangerous but Ran just aboustely shoots them down, along with Watson and Jackie agreeing with Ran, and Karls group agreeing to it. They head off to Kelalen. And Jackie is extremely excited at the potential of going to see Foolish finally. And it'd probably be like a sub au where the brothers au is the main backbone for it but at a certain point it separates from the au and becomes its own.

1: Okay, ouch. Can you imagine if Ran brought one of those memories up, and just had Ranbob look confused, or horrified, depending on how quick he realizes what happened? How would Ran react to that realization, both before and after he forgives Ranbob?

3: If nothing else, everyone got some laughs from it-even Benjamin, once his friends were far, far away from his family and not able to teach them more chaos. 

8: Cletus, why are you so happy? Do you just enjoy knowing chaos existed back then? Are you an arsonist? What’s up with you? 

Also, wow. Not cool, other city people, that’s very mean.

Spoons sounds like it’s interesting, I might try it sometime. Did the group just have those cards on them? What other games did they have?

11: Good, put Dream back in the corner, I’m gonna be yelling more. Because, seriously dude? I know you probably exist solely out of spite, but c’mon. Admittedly, from a certain point of view, it could be considered amusing that your first thought was that Ranbob was making himself weaker out of defiance/spite but like. From a more responsible and mature viewpoint, that’s incredibly stupid, and I-just. Buddy, hate to tell you, but I’m pretty sure that’d just be a you thing. Besides you were in Ranbob’s head, didn’t he think Ran was dead? It doesn’t even make sense. Good lord, I’m half-tempted to get the broom and chase you around like you’re a particularly unruly barn cat. 

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3: First of all, that sounds really scary for Ran. Second of all, are we getting an overprotective arc?

4: Kind of sad, but understandable, they’re dealing with the situation as best they can.

10: Even if the group was provoked by the townspeople? Potions sound really cool, wish I could make those in real life, tbh.

13: W-what do you mean ‘that’s exactly what they did’? Anon, is your friend, like, a legit gremlin? I’m spooked. 

14: Foolish takes one look at Jackie, wearing a smile that exactly matched Tubbo’s when he was about to cause chaos, and immediately nopes out of that. He knows that face, and he will not be getting tangled into a fight with a goblin child today, no sir. I’m sure Jackie tries regardless though. (Also, that sounds like that goes horribly, do we get an overprotective ender-sibling, for whoever gets captured or used as blackmail, if that’s what you do?)

15: I love all of these so much, oh my gosh. Baby Ran seeing the fishes and following his big brother around. Poor Ranbob’s face when his baby brother cursed one day, Ran trying to carry all of his haunting. I’m in tears, honestly. 

Umm...I can’t think of anything right now, to be honest. If I ever do have a question or idea though, I’ll through it on the Brothers AU tag for you to check out, I guess. 

Oh, this sounds really cool. The part about them just ignoring their local time traveler when they’ve just time traveled particularly amuses me, as does Jackie wanting to see Foolish-I feel like Foolish may be a little more than terrified to see both Tubbo and Jackie back, honestly. Why was Ran willing to help them so much? What did they do to offer proof? How did Ranbob react once they proved who they were? How does all the group get along? Are they Ranboo’s haunting, and if so, if Ranboo gets close with his descendants, does he merge his hauntings with theirs? How does the time group feel about the Brothers fighting, and Ranbob’s possession?

[storysofmyown]

Obey me! The passing of time

Plot: One by one, the brothers start to notice how Mc changes as time goes by.

Warning: None that I can think of

Word Count:2480 words

*********************************

It started slow, very slow. You never noticed, of course you didn't. For you, this was something entirely normal but for the demons, it wasn't. After all, they could live for millenniums without suffering much but a cold but... for a human well... that's another story.

So no, you didn't notice as you grew older and started to look older, but the brothers certainly did.

The first one to notice was Asmodeus. The two of you were in one of those intense cuddling sessions; while he stroked your hair, he suddenly noticed a white hair. It made him froze in an instant.

Aging

It was such a slow process for them, for demons, angels and alike. But for humans, humans didn't even have a fraction of a demons life span. They all knew it. Humans were so fragile that even sleeping in a wrong position could hurt them. Yet, here you were. A human, surrounded by demons and still being able to hold your self with such confidence, sometimes even he forgot you were not one of them. Nevertheless, here you were mortal. Because you were human after all.

Asmodeus stared at your sleeping face, so peaceful... It made his heart ache, how has he gotten so close to you? To appreciate you as much as he does? To cherish you, to adore you...to love you? That night, he vowed to make the best of the time you two spend together. Occasionally, you noticed his sad face while painting your nails... but you never mentioned it.

The next one to notice was Belphegor; you usually napped together after classes every day, to get your energy up. However, he started to notice unusual sleeping patterns, the way you slept less at night and more during the day. At first, he thought it was probably Leviathan keeping you awake while gaming at night or watching some anime, but when Levi made a comment about you not connecting in a few days it sunk in.

He had researched human aging once, not because he cared or any deeper reason. He was just curious. He read that getting older, for some people, implied changes in their sleep routine. After that, he started noticing how tired you were often, the black circles underneath your eyes.

Ever since that day, he found himself thinking of Lilith, death, and mortality. Why? There wasn't any real reason, but just something in his heart that made him remember of how long ago his time at the Celestial Realm was every time he looked at you.

Ever since that, Belphie makes sure you go to bed at a reasonable hour, and even uses just a little of his demon powers to make sure you get enough sleep, and if sometimes he stayed awake just to look at you sleep... well that was for him to know and for you to never find out.

Next, was Lucifer. You both had fallen into a kind of routine; you would help him organize papers and such, nothing too important, just to help him around with minor stuff. Today was one of those days. He was looking at some papers and he gave you the ones that weren’t so important to either categorize or to dispose of. He lifted his gaze from the papers for just one second and noticed that something was off. The scene before him… it wasn't quite right. Maybe it was the fact that you had been looking at the same paper for 4 minutes trying to figure out where it belongs, or how your figure seemed... smaller for some reason.

As he stared at you, he suddenly remembered something. The Exchange Program you had participated in ended a while ago, but you had chosen to stay with them. He tied the knots by figuring that, yes, some time had passed since then and it was normal you didn't look the same. So, he kept reading a paper but then realization hit him…. the exchange program ended more than 15 years ago.

It cut him like a knife. It felt like yesterday you had just gotten into the Devildom and now... it had been more than 15 years. For him, it felt like nothing, but for you, a mere human, it must feel like a lifetime ago. Lucifer put the paper down, and suggested you two went out for dinner that night.

You found it odd, but not unwelcomed, and if this started to become a habit between the two... well you sure were not going to question it.

Then, it was Satan the one who noticed. You were reading with him, when he saw you struggling to read some words. You kept shuffling the book closer and then further from you, making weird faces and sighing in frustration. He put it down as you not being particularly interested in that book. So he suggested that the two of you took a break and watched the new episode of a detective show they were airing.

However, it kept happening every time you read together. So, one day Satan surprised you with a trip to the human world… but for medical reasons, he took you to an oculist. While waiting for you, he was reading a book, and he saw an old person walk by him. He then looked at the book and the first word his eyes saw hurt him.

Death

He read around thousands of books explaining humans. From the way their minds worked on a psychological and biological way, to the way a human’s body rotted after dead. Quite fascinating, but the thought of that happening to you... made him land from his fantasyland. Once you came out you, to no one's surprise, announced that you needed reading glasses, he only smiled and told you to pick whatever style you preferred. As you looked around and asked for his opinion on the glasses, Satan noticed another thing.

Even if you were getting older, your spirit was still the same. And that made him smile genuinely. Afterwards, he seemed to be more and more interested in your health and stuff like that, you really didn't question it, your memory was already bad, so it was not bad to have someone remind you to take your vitamins.

Beelzelbub has been sneaking into the kitchen every night of his long life. But specifically, tonight he sneaked into the kitchen and found you, bent over the counter with just a glass of water. He smiled and asked if you were also hungry, but you shook your head, explaining that the dinner you had eaten earlier made your stomach ache and you just wanted some water.

Beelzelbub stared in confusion, after all it was not often food made him feel ill. But lately, this has been something that happened to you a lot. He figured his midnight snack could wait and gave you a hug, hoping it will make you feel better. You smiled and hugged him back, resting against him.

You felt... tired and it wasn't because it was almost midnight or because you had a tummy ache... no, it was a different type of tiredness. After a while, you smiled at Beel and went back to your room. Beel staid in the kitchen, not eating but thinking. He was worried about you; Lucifer mentioned the other day a little off of hand that you seemed weaker.

Beel didn't pay much attention to it, until now. His mind went from Lilith to you, how that affected him, and suddenly, the answer was clear. Beel slumped in himself and tried hard not to wake anyone up on the way to his room. Ever since that day, he asked you to work out with him, even for just a little bit, and the intense cuddling sessions were now even more intense.

The truth was he was scared of losing you too. Only Belphie knew that, and he planned to keep it like that. And if the nightmares ever shifted from Lilith to you well... at least he had you to hold his hand... for now.

It was 3 am... and if Belphegor knew you were awake at this unholy hour he might kill Leviathan and never let you sleep alone in your room again. But here you were, Levi had told you he would be binging one of his favorite animes all night, and you just had to watch it with him. So there you were, 3 am and both, you and Levi, watching anime.

Levi was all excited about the story, the characters, and the plot but you... not so much. So, you ended up falling asleep. Once Levi noticed, he muttered something about how your normie blood had taken the better of you, before falling silent as he kept watching the anime. There, right in the middle of the screen, the protagonist best friend had been killed. Blood was everywhere and the episode ended. Levi's eyes fell on you.

You were Levi's only friend, and the thought of losing a friend made him break a bit. He’s been noticing how you have changed in the passing of time, but he never actually stopped to think of the implications of that. Humans die, very, very easily. He wasn't certain on how much longer you would be around to spend time with him, do cosplays, and talk about anime or manga. He was going to be as lonely as the Lord of the Shadows was before Henry became their friend.

Leave his room? He never did such thing. At least not for a few days after that realization hit him... but then he realized that he was wasting SO MUCH TIME. So, after that, wherever you were, Levi was. He started to talk more about your own interests and stuff. It was nice, he learned new stuff about you, and while the thought of losing you always lingered in the back of his head, he wanted to be close to you no matter what.

Now Levi spent less than 4 hours in his room during the day, it was a miracle really... that was something absolutely no one has ever done before. And honestly, you were not going to question it.

Finally, Mammon, THE Great Mammon noticed. You two were walking in town after one of his photoshoots. He was going on and on about how amazing he was while you trailed behind him... really behind him. Once he noticed, he slowed his pace to match yours. You started talking about something else entirely when suddenly your D.D.D rang. While you answered he checked the hour, and upon looking at his background, he felt a part of himself die.

As his background, he had set a picture of you and him. Not taken too long ago, just a few years... or so he thought. You looked so different. Your hair was now entirely white, matching his; he noticed the wrinkles around your face and the glasses that you now had to use all the time. Mammon fell silent. You informed him that Lucifer had called and wanted you two home now. He just nodded and didn’t say a word for the rest of the walk. You found it weird because... well, because it's Mammon, but you didn't mention it.

That night, Mammon didn't go to your room. He stayed in his, thinking about everything. Thinking how he didn’t notice that you were growing old. He was always with you, ALWAYS. It was impossible for HIM to not notice. Yet here he was, wondering how time slipped between his fingers, and now who knows how much time you would spend together. Mammon cried... all night, no one knew because he made sure it was a silent cry... but the idea of losing someone he cared about so much. IT hurt when Lucifer confiscated Goldie, and he knew losing you would feel the same... who was he kidding? It was going to be worse, so much worse. And so, he cried, but only for that night, the next day he was his usual self just... now he was aware. Suddenly he was being super kind to you and buying you stuff.

It weirded you out but it was fine, you let him have it... you knew what it was about. You started at him with a smile on your lips, ruffled his hair and made snarky comment about him already being broke and to stop spending in you.

If Mammon never left your side before just imagine now. And he was not the only one. You were constantly followed around by a group of demons that wanted to spend time with you. You knew why, but you never mention it... why would you?

Mammon and the others had never talked about it, they refused to do so but whenever you didn't look, they looked at each other, and with sad expression, they made sure to take in the moment, to save it in their hearts.

It was night. You and the seven brothers have been having a horror night but you were tired already. Your entire body ached. And halfway through the movie you fell asleep.

You woke up by a hand shaking you, once you opened your eyes you saw Lucifer. You smiled at him, sat up, and, to everyone surprise, hugged him. Blame it on your half-asleep state, but you dared to hug him, and even give him a kiss on the cheek. Then proceed to hug and kiss every other brother.

No one knew what had gotten into you, but once you kissed Belphegor and were about to say good night, Beel and Asmo pulled you into another hug, and before you realized, you were in a cuddle mountain with ALL the brothers. Lucifer may have taken a little convincing but at the end, he joined you all. After an intense two hours of cuddling, you went to your room. As you laid down in the bed with a smile plastered on your lips, you felt... at peace. With how your life had been up to this point, with how much you loved those seven idiots. Yeah, you really loved them.

During breakfast the next day, none of the brother ate. Not even Beelzeebub, they all waited patiently for you, they wanted to wait for you, even though... all of them knew you were not going to come down the stairs.

That's how it was, humans are born and humans die in less time than any other creature. It was the sad reality of their world, and as the brothers waited for a human that was never going to come down the stairs, all they could think about was you. It was sad, but it was true. And even if they were never going to see you, again... they really were grateful for everything.

*********************************

Hello sweeties, this is actually the first fan fic I've ever made. I could not get this idea out of my head so I just had to write it. Hope y'all enjoy it!

[fairytalelover33]

Hello my dear! Could I please get a matchup for Harry Potter (both Golden Trio and Mauraders) and Lotr? Thanks so much

✨ I’m an autistic disabled girl who would like to male ship please! Because of my chronic illnesses, I’m often anxious and need to rest a lot to manage my pain and fatigue. I stim by pacing in circles!!

✨ I’m big on crafts, especially Drawing, Writing and Sewing.

✨ Because of my disabilities, I'm very short, only 4' 11" tall (149.86 cm). I have very wavy brown hair that's either loose, or up on a low bun. I have very pale skin that's covered in moles and blemishes, and I flip between being insecure and confident a lot

✨ If this matters to you, I'm a Ravenclaw / Pukwudgie (Ilvermorny houses) / INFP / Aquarius / Apollo Cabin, Daughter of Apollo (Percy Jackson)

✨ I’m known to hold onto people’s arms and hold their hand when I’m nervous, which is basically always. I’m very big on physical comfort

✨ I LOVE Fictional Creatures like from Dungeons & Dragons or Zelda, and I can infodump for days about the fantasy worlds I like. If I were in a Fantasy World, I would definitely be some sort of researcher or professor!!

✨My love languages includes Infodumping, Making playlists for people I love, “This reminded me of you” and Gift Giving

✨ I hate possessive people, but I also need a partner who will lowkey protect me. I’m very small, and I worry about defending myself

✨ My loved ones always say that I know a little something about basically everything. My Special Interests include Herbal Medicine, Lord of the Rings, Biology, Cryptozoology, Non-human Creatures, Dungeons & Dragons, Agriculture, Witchcraft, Superstitions, Animation and Legend of Zelda. I’m a random fact machine, basically

✨ I’m really really smart, but I can lack common sense sometimes. I can understand very complex biological processes with ease, but I also struggle to understand a push-pull door and can struggle in social interactions a lot too

Thanks so much!! I hope you're doing well hun, keep being lovely!

For Harry Potter, (Marauders Era), I ship you with: Remus Lupin!

•He LOVES when you give him all of the info of something you’re currently interested in. He’ll get super into the conversation and ask you millions of questions, you are extremely intriguing to him

•He will never be possessive of you. He understands boundaries quite well. However he will also protect you in any situation

•He loves finding his little Ravenclaw at breakfast every morning. Sometimes he hates being in different houses because he can’t see you as often, but then he remembers that in Ravenclaw you’re safe from his friends shenanigans

•He loves how short you are. He can easily pick you up, and when he does so he either peppers your face with kisses or spins you around until you’re both dizzy

•Occasionally he’ll sneak into your dormitory, you know what for. 😉 CRAFTS!!! What else would I have said? 🤨

•You guys constantly lose track of time when he sneaks into your common room. You’ll both talk about your day, books you read, while the fire crackles away. Sometimes if you’re lucky, you can lay your head on his lap as he goes into a detailed story of what Sirius screwed up that day <3

For Harry Potter, (Golden Trio Era), I ship you with: Cedric Diggory!

•He is extremely understanding of your illnesses. He will reassure you that it doesn’t change who you are to him, he loves every single part of you. He will encourage you to rest when you need it, and he’ll never give you a hard time when you decide you need a break.

•One of his favorite ways to be near you is to brush your hair, and then braid it or do a new hairstyle. He’s done research on new hairstyles, and whenever he succeeds at a new one he gives a little whoop. It’s calming to him to be able to play with your soft, wavy hair.

•He loves asking you random questions that nobody would know just to playfully tease you. However ninety-nine percent of the time you know, so it kindof backfires

•He may be a Hufflepuff, but he will defend you viciously if you are ever in danger

•For instance, one time in Moody’s class, Moody used Imperio on a giant spider, and was having it float around to students. When the spider got to you, Moody made it land on your head. Like any normal human would, you shrieked, and just like that the spider was gone. Everything happened too fast for you to understand, but suddenly Cedric was shouting at the teacher, and the next you were yanked from your seat and out of the class. Looking up at the person who grabbed you, it was Cedric with a clenched jaw and a venomous expression on his face. “How dare he… I oughta…” he kept muttering, (It would take some reassuring from you that you were in fact OK before he would calm down) <3

For LOTR, I ship you with: Aragorn!

•He knows you worry about being able to protect yourself, so he teaches you different fighting techniques to use if he somehow couldn’t get to you one day.

•I imagine he wouldn’t be keen on you going on the journey. He knows you struggle with chronic illnesses, and there wouldn’t be a lot of rest time. It would kill him inside to see you suffering. However it’s not out of the question, so if you really wanted to go he’ll hear you out, and will be alright with your decision

•Aragorn adores how much random knowledge you have. It can sometimes be lifesaving.

•He finds your thought process so lovable. How you think through complicated things with ease, but simple things cause a slight dilemma. He never questions your brightness or smarts, he just finds it cute.

•Aragorn will always remember the day you were all brought to Lothlorien. Gandalf had fallen, and everything seemed bleak. He was waiting for you to return, Lady Galadriel had summoned you, wanting to speak. That was when he saw you, crossing the grass towards him. You had bathed and changed into a flowing powder-blue elvish dress. Your hair was freshly brushed and there was an Ethereal glow to your skin. Suddenly things didn’t look so hopeless. Whenever that day was mentioned, he stated that you looked like an Angel <3

I hope you liked this, so sorry it took so long. Have an amazing day!! ❤️

-J

[brandyllyn]

In our own image... (03)

Chapter 3

(Poe Dameron x OFC)

Other chapters...  My Masterlist

Word count: 1700. Read it on AO3.

Rating: Teen & Up (PG) language?

Poe ran a hand through his hair, looking at himself in the small shaving mirror. He tilted his head back and forth, finally letting out a short curse. He’d messed up his sideburns this morning. One of them was noticeably higher than the other. It would grow back within a couple of days but today was the day he was supposed to retrieve BB-8 from the Droidsmith. He had kind of hoped that he would look good for it.

He leaned back, trying to see as much of himself as he could. He undid one of the buttons on his shirt and then quickly shook his head and did it back up. There was no reason the woman needed to see his nipples just yet. Anxiously, he pulled the sleeves of his shirt down, buttoning the cuffs in brisk movements. Then he hooked his thumbs into his belt, settling his weight back on one foot.

"Hey," he told his reflection, raising one eyebrow. The man in the mirror did the same and Poe groaned. He looked like an idiot. Scrubbing a hand across his face he grabbed his blaster belt and buckled it on, leaving before he spent the next hour trying to figure out how he could make a curl fall across his forehead just right. His hair was always doing that. Always almost in his eyes. But not today. Of course not. Today it was sticking up in seven different directions and no amount of cursing or trying to flatten it down with water had helped.

Pushing aside the cloth he used for a door, Poe nearly ran head first into Snap. The older man stepped back and Poe caught himself before falling on his face.

"Whoa there," Snap muttered, "what’s got you in knots this morning?"

"Nothing," Poe said quickly. Too quickly.

Snap raised an eyebrow, "Nothing eh? Does this nothing have something to do with finally getting your little droid back today?"

Poe released a breath. Oh, Snap thought he was anxious because he missed BB-8. He was, and he did. It was valid. "Yeah," he smiles at the older man, "that’s it."

"Come have breakfast first," Snap told him, falling into step beside Poe. They had to duck under the nose of Black One. Like every pilot on base, Poe slept within twenty feet of his ship. "If you don’t you’re going to be so caught up petting that little guy that you’ll forget to eat and then I’ll have to deal with hungry Dameron the rest of the morning."

Snap gave a dramatic shudder and Poe punched him lightly on the arm. "I’m not that bad."

"Who’s not that bad?" Pava asked, intercepting them as they passed Black Three.

"Dameron when he’s hungry," Snap informed her before Poe could say anything.

"Oh Gods no," Pava took a step to the side. "Is he hungry now? Are we going to get food? We can fix this Commander, hold on."

Poe gritted his teeth, glaring between the two of them. "I’m not that bad," he repeated.

Pava gave him a sympathetic look. "No caf and no food? Dameron, we’re all that bad."

Grunting, Poe undid his cuffs, rolling his sleeves up past his elbows as he shouldered past them. "Insubordination," he muttered but neither of them seemed to pay any mind. They had gotten into a discussion about what food they missed most and Poe felt his own stomach grumble. Maybe stopping for breakfast first wasn’t the worst idea. Fainting from hunger in front of the Droidsmith probably wasn’t going to make a great second impression - and considering how… mediocre the first one had gone he was really hoping to be charming this time around.

By the time he was done eating and had gone through his morning briefing with the Squadron Poe was sweating. The humidity on this part of Ajan Kloss was never something to be sneered at, and today the air was still and hot to go with it. There was a storm coming, if not today then certainly tomorrow. He made a mental note to remind everyone to be sure their lightning rods were up. The last thing they needed was to lose a ship to electrical repairs.

Maybe he should go do that right now in fact. BB-8 could wait a bit, there was no need to… Poe shook his head, squaring his shoulders. The fact that there was finally someone on base who he was both interested in and could in good conscience pursue was secondary to the fact that he needed to get his astromech back. Flying yesterday with R2-D2 had been fine, but it wasn’t the same as having his little buddy onboard.

That settled, Poe strode confidently between the trees towards the Mu shuttle. The Droidsmith was in the front portion of her workshop today, her back to him, sitting at one of the tables and working on the R4 unit.

He coughed, not wanting to scare her. After a moment, he coughed again, louder.

Still no response.

He was getting ready to cough a third time when the little translator droid rolled out from under her stool. "Hi hi," it said, tilting up to look at him.

"Hi K-0," he greeted it. "Can you tell…" Shit. He’d forgotten to get her name. He could feel his eyes bugging out as he struggled to finish the sentence. "Her that I’m here for BB-8?"

K-0 flashed a red light at him. "No. Go. No. Not here."

Poe dropped to one knee, propping an arm on it as he tried to meet K-0 at its level. "What do you mean not here?"

"Bad droid," K-0 said fiercely. "Go. No come back. Bad."

"K-0-" Poe started but the droid raced off, running a circle around the Droidsmith’s stool and looking at him from behind her feet.

"No. Go. No."

The Droidsmith finally seemed to notice something was going on, pushing herself away from the table so the stool was leaning back on two legs. She looked down at the droid and then turned, raising an eyebrow at him.

Shit, he was still kneeling. He rose quickly, dusting the knees of his pants off and smiling at her as she settled the stool back onto all four legs. She was prettier than he remembered, if that was even possible.

"Hi," he said and K-0 beeped, echoing him.

She gave a dubious whistle and K-0 translated, "Hello." Then another whistle and a tsking sound with her tongue. "What you do K-0?"

Poe blinked, then looked down at the droid. "I didn’t do anything to K-0 - I was just looking for BB-8."

K-0 translated for him and Poe saw her eyebrows draw together and then she relaxed, rolling her eyes and looking down at the little droid. A series of whistles happened, interspersed with clicks of her tongue. He couldn’t understand her, but could pick up K-0’s side of the conversation in Binary.

"BB-8 is bad droid. Want replace K-0."

A low whistle from the Droidsmith and a fond smile.

"Bad droid. Bad man."

She snorted and looked over at him and he held his hands up in his most non-threatening pose. More whistling.

"Bad man keep bad droid."

Poe didn’t want to interrupt but did feel the need to defend his own honor. "Look, BB-8 might be my droid but he’s got a mind of his own. Whatever he did, don’t blame me. I’m just here to keep him from setting himself on fire."

K-0 translated his words into Binary as he talked and the Droidsmith winked at him. Maker, she winked at him and he felt heat flash along his body that had absolutely nothing to do with the burning Ajan Kloss sun. She whistled and K-0 turned to him with what Poe could only call smugness.

"Bad droid not here."

Poe blinked, "Yeah, you said that before. What do you mean he’s not here?"

The Droidsmith furrowed her brow before replying. "Rey take bad droid."

"Rey," Poe muttered, looking down at K-0 as it translated. "Rey took BB-8? Where?"

More whistling. "Rey say take you."

Poe grunted. "When?"

"Morning," K-0 replied, not needing to wait for the Droidsmith.

So Rey had been by this morning and left with BB-8. The Jedi often took BB-8 out with her when she was training. It just meant… Poe had spent the night before thinking of several topics for conversation that he could have with the Droidsmith today. But they all had kind of relied on having BB-8 there as he was the focus of most of them.

"Oh, okay," he fumbled, trying to think of something else to say. This was harder than he’d thought it would be. The language barrier, coupled with only getting garbled sentences back from K-0 made conversing difficult.

"Need more bad man?" K-0 asked after a gentle prompt from the Droidsmith. Those deep brown eyes were on him and he swallowed, gaze dropping to her pursed lips before snapping back to more appropriate locations. Poe looked at her workbench, at the pieces of droid strewn across it. She obviously had work to get back to.

"No, no," he backed away, tripping slightly when the workshop ground covering gave way to dirt. "I’ll just…"

He wouldn’t say he ran away. But he did walk quickly. If someone wanted to be very particular perhaps he jogged. But he definitely didn’t run - Poe Dameron didn’t run from things.

After a minute of walking quickly he slowed, then stopped. Raising a hand he rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger. That had… that had not gone well. Maker had it really been that long since he had flirted with purpose and not just for the sake of flirting? Long enough that he was a bumbling mess about it?

It was the translation problem. That was it. Nothing to do with him. If she understood Basic or he understood… whatever it was that she was speaking… this would all be going a lot smoother. Maybe he could bring Threepio next time. While the protocol droid could be annoying, he’d at least translate full sentences without color commentary - something K-0 did not seem to be capable of.

Yeah, that was it. He’d bring Threepio by next time. Then they could have a nice conversation. Just him, Threepio and….

Well shit. He still hadn’t gotten her name.

=

Chpt 4

[dazzlingstarlight]

25 words for Jubal Valentine

Hi everyone, thanks for sending so many words! Thank you to the anon who asked for some Jubal sentences – all of these 25 words are for Jubal and I hope you like them!

1. Talents

Jubal is surprised when the new SAC asks about his team, and he tells her that Maggie and OA are great partners and Kristen is a highly talented analyst, and Dana stares at him thoughtfully for a long moment before she nods and says, “Okay then, let’s get to work.”

2. Experience

A year later, Jubal repeats the experience with another new SAC, but this time he tells Isobel that Maggie and OA are rock solid together, and while Kristen is green in the field, he has no doubt that she’ll learn fast from her new partner Scola.

3. Hug

It wasn’t an easy search, but it’s a happy reunion when Maggie and OA finally bring two missing children back to 26 Fed, and their parents squeeze them as tightly as they can through tears of joy and relief, and Jubal decides that maybe he should stop by and see his kids tonight and make sure to hug them tight.

4. Enough

There are two suspect photos posted on the screen in the JOC, and Jubal looks over Ian’s shoulder as he combs through their financials, and when he finds a series of simultaneous deposits into each one’s bank account, Jubal gives Ian an approving clap on the shoulder and tells him to call Maggie and OA because it’s enough to bring them in.

5. Secure

Ian is having trouble downloading some security footage and he’s a little surprised when Jubal asks if there’s a secure server with double firewalls and triple encryption, and then Jubal gives him a smug grin and says, “What, you think I don’t pick up any of this stuff from hanging around you guys in the JOC?”

6. Ring

Maggie and OA have been chasing a drug smuggling ring for a couple of weeks, and they think it might help to put someone on the inside, and Jubal tells them he knows a guy and when they ask where they can find him, Jubal says it’s one of his old aliases, so they’re already looking at him.

7. Please

Jubal adjusts the camera and the wire hidden in his shirt, and he hears Scola confirm that the audio and video are loud and clear, and OA asks if he’s ready for this, and Jubal scoffs a little and says, “Please, boys, let me show you once again why the ladies call me Mr. Valentine.”

8. Distraction

Jubal is calm and confident – and maybe even a bit cocky – as he strolls up to the front door, sporting an expensive designer suit with two beautiful women hanging attentively on each arm, and the two guards that block the door can’t take their eyes off Maggie and Kristen which creates just enough of a distraction to let OA and Scola knock them out from behind.

9. Longing

Sometimes when he and Sam are cheering on the bleachers at his son’s soccer games, Jubal thinks that they look like a normal, happy family – and then he thinks that maybe he’s longing for something that just isn’t there anymore.

10. Helpless

As FBI agents, they’re committed to helping people every day, but when it’s one of their own lying in a hospital bed, Jubal hates the way he feels so helpless, and he keeps snapping the elastic band around his hand again and again and again.

11. Affection

Jubal has had just about enough of the CIA agent chattering in his ear, telling him why he can’t send his field agents barging into a suspect’s home, and he finally faces the man and growls enough to make him back off a little: “Okay, sir, I realize there’s never been a whole lot of affection between the FBI and the CIA, but you’re on FBI turf now, and that means we do it our way.”

12. Bond

The elderly man sitting in interrogation has refused to talk for a good hour, and Jubal knows they’re losing valuable time, so he tries a new approach in a gentler tone: “Mr. Carson, I know you don’t want to betray your son because I have a son of my own and I know there’s a bond between a father and his son that shouldn’t ever be broken, but we need your help.”

13. Trust

Mr. Carson’s eyes are glistening with tears, and he shakes his head hopelessly, mumbling over and over that he just doesn’t want his son to get hurt, and Jubal kneels next to him and says, “Sir, I understand that, and that’s why you have to trust that we’ll do everything we can to get your son home safely.”

14. Pair

Whenever Jess LaCroix’s team rolls into town, Jess and Jubal always make an interesting pair as Jess follows his hunches and Jubal follows his facts and somehow they both manage to put the criminal behind bars and get the job done.

15. Reaction

Jubal isn’t sure how Scola is going to react to another partner – Tiffany is the third partner for him in less than a year, now that Kristen has moved on and Emily was only temporary – but he introduces her anyway and Scola is his usual self, shaking her hand and saying “looking forward to working with you” and then getting right back to work again.

16. Anger

It’s the alcohol that made him angry then, when he spent every night so wasted that he couldn’t even stand on his own two feet, and it’s still the alcohol that makes him angry now, for how much he hurt himself and his career and his family.

17. Sweat

When Jubal tries to remember his relationship – or rather, his affair – with Rina, he’s ashamed to admit that all he can remember is a few steamy, sweaty nights in bed – and the strong stench of alcohol.

18. Addiction

While Jubal has worked hard to overcome his addiction, he’s always wary of the little things that make it all too easy to remember the way he used to be, the cases that he should have worked harder on, the cases that he should have been sober for – and the cases where the victims struggled with their own substance abuse and he couldn’t do anything to help them.

19. Beginning

That’s why Jubal is proud to become a sponsor – to be there for someone else from the very beginning – because he’s been through it all and he knows how hard it is to explain to someone who hasn’t, and because he doesn’t want anyone else to make the same choices and he wants to give someone else a second chance.

20. Break

Isobel gives him a disapproving look, and Jubal knows the sting he’s proposing is risky, but he has faith in his field agents’ skill and his analysts’ intel, so when Isobel tells him that the ADIC will make their lives very difficult if things go wrong, Jubal just shakes his head and tells her that this team isn’t going to break.

21. Training

Jubal has been negotiating a hostage situation for hours and when it escalates to the point where there’s imminent danger to the civilians, he makes the hard call to take the shot, and he closes his eyes with a heavy sigh because no training can ever really prepare an agent for endings like this.

22. Bed

His daughter’s grip around his neck is cutting off his air supply, but Jubal can’t complain too much because she’s just so excited to see her father, and he sets her down and tells her to go put on her pajamas, and even though it feels awkward, Jubal still tells Sam thank you for letting him tuck his kids into bed that night.

23. Grief

When Jubal just happens to know a strip club on the East Side because he walks by it on his way to the subway, he doesn’t miss the smirk that Kelly and Elise share and he wonders how much grief they would give him if they knew he accidentally bumped into a woman on the street outside of the club and he’s thinking about asking her out for coffee…maybe.

24. Help

When OA tells Jubal that Maggie will be gone for a few days because she’s getting her sister settled in at the rehab center, Jubal is more than understanding and privately he wishes that someone like Maggie had gotten him that kind of help before it was too late for his own addiction.

25. Morning

Scola and Tiffany fall into the easy routine of bringing morning coffee and pastries to the JOC, and Jubal is grateful to them for fueling his crew because there’s always another new case, and he calls “eyes up!” so their focus is on the screen, and then it’s time to go to work again.

[blause]

Why Azula Doesn’t Deserve a Redemption Arc

With the Avatar Renaissance, I've seen quite a few people say that Azula deserved a redemption arc. I disagreed, despite her being my 3rd favorite character, and wrote a whole essay about it!

This is strictly about Azula in the show, not the comics!

Avatar: The Last Airbender is not only praised for being one of the greatest children’s cartoons created, but also creating one of the greatest character redemption arcs possibly in animated history.

Prince Zuko started as a bitter child, wanting only to restore his honor and be seen by his father as a valuable member not only to the Fire Nation but to Lord Ozai’s family. He spent years putting his heart and soul into a mission that was meant as a joke to keep him away, but when Prince Zuko actually finds the Avatar, Aang, it’s the first time he has had hope in a long time. That hope, though, was a flame tended by hatred, anger, and fear that he let get the best of him for two seasons of Avatar. And while there are moments in the show where he shows vulnerability and his true colors (see: “Zuko Alone”), his traumatic past overshadows any positive step he could truly take even if he had the best intentions.

It is in the third season where Zuko truly shines, standing up to his father and his sister, an abusive family where he hardly ever feels like he belongs, and joining the Avatar and his friends who he had betrayed so many times to finally do what was right and aligned with his morals instead of his father’s. It is with the love he had gotten from his Uncle Iroh from the beginning, and the compassion of his newfound friends, that he fights his own family for the sake of saving the world only to take his place as crowned king of the Fire Nation.

The reason I go into brief detail of Zuko’s character arc is to explain how fleshed out it makes his character. The questioning of himself, his morals and his motives truly make Zuko human. It makes him relatable, as nearly all true heroes in media try to be. There is an argument to be made that, despite his trauma and his warranted anger, he is not a three dimensional character in the first season of Avatar, but instead an angry child that wants his way no matter what his true motives are. Making Zuko end up on the “good” side was his fleshing out, and making him come full circle made genuine sense for the show.

So if Prince Zuko was able to get a redemption arc, doesn’t that mean his sister Azula, who also went through an immense amount of trauma, would be able to get one too and have it be just as great or make just as much sense?

No. I genuinely believe that giving Azula a redemption arc would not make sense for her character or the show.

Azula, Zuko’s younger sister and only daughter to Firelord Ozai, is seen as, what I believe to be, the secondary villain in Avatar. She was born with a natural talent for firebending, picking it up more easily and far younger than her brother Zuko did. Her personality type was nasty; she was a cunning, manipulative bully with relentless determination that reflected poorly on everyone around her. She commanded the attention of anyone in her presence, took what she thought was rightfully hers, and would not stop until she was the best -- the best being Ozai’s true approval.

In her introductory scene at the end of season 1, Azula does not even speak but it is not hard to see her emotions come through on her face. Beyond the “evil smirk” commonly associated with “bad” or “evil” characters, there is the radiating pleasure of being donned a serious task by her father. By the time you were to finish Avatar, it is clear to see in this 3 second introduction of Azula as a character that she is willing to do anything her father asks of her, thus turning into anything she would do to gain the respect and honor that Zuko also seeks out. It can be argued that, despite Azula receiving praise from her father both in her past and in the show, she never receives the honor that Zuko does.

In season 2, Azula is already cruel to those working for the Royal Family. This is to be expected, as she is only a 14 year old girl with the whole world wrapped around her talented finger, but the confidence and power in her tone as she commandeers a ship cannot be ignored. To have that ability and that intimidation at such a young age shows the complex that Azula develops with each success and conquer, only to end up being her downfall. When she reunites with her childhood “friends”, Ty Lee and Mai, it is through manipulation and fear that she gets them once again on her side (although with Mai and the way she hardly shows her true emotions, it is not as clear). It takes only minutes for Azula to get those on her side, showing the signs of a leader but also of an overlord.

While Azula’s bending powers are far beyond her years, it can be argued that her verbal powers are even stronger. Her confidence, persuasion tactics, and mastery of manipulation can sway anyone from vulnerable children (Zuko when she tried to bring him home as prisoner to her father as a traitor alongside her uncle), to an entire kingdom (not only the Earth Kingdom, but also the Dai Lee that held a leader confident in his abilities to lead the rogue society). As a counter, though, Azula’s verbal skills also lack when seen in season 3 as she tries to play the role of a “normal firebender citizen”.

She is shown at a firebender party having no social skills whatsoever, trying to find others ulterior motives, and overall struggling to fit in. While her traumatic past absolutely had a huge impact on her social skills, on top of being part of a royal family (Zuko shared similar struggles when going to offer to teach Aang firebending), it is interesting to see her confidence falter. In this episode is when we see Azula most vulnerable not only with those her age that she cannot immediately control, but also when she reflects on her mother and being called a “monster”. Those feelings of abandonment after Ursa left the Fire Nation only pushed her beyond her own limits to do anything in her power to keep Ozai’s love no matter how twisted it was

One of the biggest reasons I think that Azula did not deserve a redemption arc is because, much like Zuko, she chose her own path in the very end. If Zuko did not choose to seek out Aang and his friends in season 3, there would be no arc whatsoever. Obviously the writers chose this for him, and I see exactly why they did it. They showed Zuko’s wavering beliefs clearly over the years, despite his anger and his fear of not only change but forever losing his father regardless of how severed their connection had been for years on end. Azula, on the other hand, never showed anything but loyalty to her father and their shared beliefs and cause. There were countless openings for Azula to show some sort of questioning of herself and her beliefs, with the loss of Ty Lee and Mai, her father’s decision to make her the next ruler over the Fire Nation despite his plans as the Phoenix King, and the Agni Kai against Zuko and Katara, but she never did.

The closest she ever got was when her mental state and mental health began to collapse on her coronation day, and even that cannot be justified as questioning herself.

It’s heartbreaking to see the fall of Azula, the pressure put on her practically since birth finally crashing down around her. All the times that she had been called “crazy” by Zuko, Iroh, and others that she saw as disposable pawns finally “coming true”. It is when she begins to lose herself, not question herself, that she becomes such a big threat. While before she was cold and so tightly wound up in her ways, seeing the unraveling of trauma and how it can affect a teen girl whose true motivation was love and acceptance was powerful. The scene of Azula hallucinating her mother in the mirror was the acknowledgement of a lost past, a hopelessness that she could never forgive, and resulted in Azula’s genuine intentions to kill Zuko and Katara once confronted. And instead of stepping down, having enough awareness to see herself in such a deteriorating state, she challenges her brother to an Agni Kai.

Azula is truly gone the moment she steps off the throne. And even after she is defeated, instead of accepting the consequences of her actions or what led her to that point, she breaks down instead, forever sealing the potential of any character arc.

TLDR; So why do I believe that Azula doesn’t deserve a redemption arc?

1) She showed no desire to be redeemed.

2) Azula was already so fleshed out that it would not make sense to redeem her. Her anger, trauma, and actions take her down a road she cannot return from.

3) The fact that Zuko got such a terrific character redemption arc cannot be ignored in the sake of arguing whether Azula deserves one. If every character were to be redeemed, there would be no power behind the redemption. Giving both siblings a redemption arc, despite their (partially) shared traumas, would lessen the importance/meaning of the other’s.

4) Despite my personal belief that Azula is not evil, she is not good either. I believe that giving her a redemption arc would be a cheap shot at wiping clean or attempting to validate all of her past actions in at least some aspect. It would be a disservice to her as a character and invalidate her motivations and what she did to get to every peak she hit in the show.

[straightfacedstrangeness]

Not that anyone asked (but seriously I’d LOVE for someone to talk to me about PokeSpe (just no spoilers past vol 13)) but since I made an offhand remark about my Top 5 favorite characters, it occurred to me that I actually DO have approximately 5 top favorite characters, and I’m procrastinating on work, so I’m gonna ramble

**just in case, note that a lot of this will revolve around my childhood experience with gender in a “I’m AFAB (and present-day me still identifies as a cis girl) but I don’t fit in with what media is telling me girls are like” way, a brief childhood feeling of homophobia, and probably general TMI about my opinions and emotions throughout my life, haha

1. Yellow

Okay, so, I was a little kid when Pokemon Adventures started coming out in English, back when manga was released as single-issue monthly comic books instead of complete volumes.  So I was rereading the same chapters over and over while anxiously awaiting the rest of the story (and wound up missing a bunch of issues anyway)

I enjoyed the RGB arc, I thought it was fun, but I didn’t LOVE the series until Yellow showed up.  At that age my ideal crush was “a cute boy my age who would be nice to me” and Yellow was presented to the reader as a cute boy my age who was sweet and kind and gentle, but also good in a fight, as all shounen protags must be.  Extra bonus points because they had just a few physically weak Pokémon and tried to fight battles in a way that minimized damage to their own and the opponent’s Pokémon, which meant they fought in a particularly smart and clever way.  And I was considered “smart” for being good at school, so being a SMART cute “boy” my age who would be nice to me, Yellow was PERFECT.  I mean, I loved the arc in general because of the clever battles, and the mystery of what had happened to Red, why these people were after Pikachu, why Yellow was so secretive about themself and their mission, etc was really engaging.  But also I adored Yellow as a character and partly in a “I wonder if ‘he’ would like me??” kind of way X’D  So to my tiny child self who didn’t even know it was possible to like-like someone of the same gender (because I hadn’t read Cardcaptor Sakura yet XD ), the reveal that Yellow was a “girl” was devastating—I had to cross out floating hearts on at least one drawing of us holding hands (scandalous!) and, while kind of stunned and shaken for a while, decided that what I’d felt all along was a deep, intense desire to be friends X’D (which probably wasn’t too far from the truth since I was pre-puberty and later turned out to be asexual)

(Also note that I never got the RGB issue that had the chapter where Red helps a little ‘girl’ capture a Rattata—later proven to be Yellow’s backstory—so the gender reveal really came out of nowhere for me.)

But anyways, I still love Yellow as a character for all the above reasons, without the crush aspects because I’m way older than them now.

Also when I reread the series ten years ago, I finally realized “wait, aside from surprising the reader, there’s no real plot reason for Yellow to pretend to be a ‘boy’ except that Green told ‘her’ to—so why did ‘she’ do it?”...and because at that time I didn’t even know that nonbinary genders existed, I decided it was cus they had low self-esteem and pretending to be a different person gave them courage (the same reading I had for Mulan at the time).  These days I’m more inclined to “yeah, I think Yellow’s nonbinary,” but that other interpretation was deeply relatable to me and only made me love Yellow even more.

2. Bill

Bill’s definitely a character I’ve grown to love more as an adult, since I’ve gone from seeing myself as “a protagonist doing cool things” to “a side character just living their life who hopefully gets to do something once in a while.”  But as a kid and now, I like him mostly for the slapstick and goofy expressions and the (early chapters Viz translations) outrageous accent  X’D  My brain desperately craves endorphins and the best way to get em is through a good laugh.

But also, I liked that he was introduced as a goofy character-of-the-week who got into ridiculous trouble and had to be rescued, but then kept being brought back, was slowly built up to be the “smart sidekick who explains things,” and eventually got to the point where he was participating in big battles (the Yellow finale on Cerise Island).  I rambled about this in the tags of another post, but I liked that he was a character who was “weak” without being “useless.”  As a kid who was good at school, I was obsessed with being good at things and had developed a black-and-white view of the world where either you were “strong/smart” or “weak/stupid” to the point that failing or just being not-so-good at anything was devastating (it still kind of is), because that meant I was actually “weak/stupid” when I was supposed to be “strong/smart.”  So it was kind of awesome that this guy who kept getting into trouble and having to be rescued—and didn’t even want to BE part of the final battle—managed to hold his own and get through it and help out instead of being a burden that dragged everyone down.  Seriously, he used a MAGIKARP effectively—the Pokémon everyone makes fun of for being “useless” and he used its one attack to save his life!

(Bonus points for all this happening in contrast to my devastating childhood experience of stanning The One Girl Character in every popular shounen series, waiting desperately for her to get to do something in battle, and then her one spotlight episode revolved around her struggling because she was so weak...not only was that actually happening to a boy for once, it was actually happening in a more satisfying/empowering way :’D )

3. Gold

I have extremely specific tastes when it comes to “the dumb shounen/action movie protag,” because as a kid I hated it when the main character was “dumb” because I was “smart” (re: good at school) and people who were “dumb” shouldn’t deserve to be the main character and have all the cool powers and save the world and stuff.  As an adult, I hate it when male characters are dumb and/or jerks but it’s treated as fine or even sexy(??) and the other characters fawn over them, and I generally still kind of hate it when characters who are dumb and/or jerks get the big important role when there’s a female character RIGHT THERE who’s more competent (and OF COURSE she has to wind up falling in love with him)

But anyway, I have extremely specific tastes, and Gold is it  X’D  He’s the perfect combination of “unshakably confident in his own stupid/egotistic views” and “treated as annoying and/or comic relief by the rest of the cast” with a bonus dash of actually being really clever in battle (so my inner child goes “Ah yes, technically, he is ’smart,’ and therefore...worthwhile“)  Making me laugh while also impressing me is like the key to my heart.

4. Crystal

I’m too lazy to look it up, but when Viz was publishing Pokemon Adventures as monthly comics, they must have switched to publishing it as trade paperbacks only and/or had a huge gap between the end of Yellow and the start of GSC, because for YEARS I’d thought Yellow was the end of the series and was shocked the first time I saw later volumes.  (My dad was buying us the monthly issues at the local comic store, and either they wouldn’t have ordered the trade paperbacks or he wouldn’t have thought to check those shelves.)

Anyway, that’s a long lead-in to the statement of “Crystal would automatically be my #1 or #2 if I’d read her arc as a kid.”  She’s a girl, she wears pants, she’s EXTREMELY smart (genius-level “book-smarts” about every Pokémon’s behaviors and weaknesses PLUS being clever in a battle), was tough as nails (she KICKED her Pokéballs!!), had no interest in romance or her appearance, AND had a short arc about losing her confidence and training herself back up to full power.  I would have KILLED for a character like that when I was a little girl being told that “girls don’t like action shows like Dragon Ball Z” (but I was a girl and I did???) and that girls were supposed to be pretty and obsessed with fashion and dating, and that girls were never the main character of action series, just side characters who either did nothing or got one chance to do something and were pathetically weak (see above, and/or Sakura’s fight against Ino (Naruto), those couple filler eps where Téa/Anzu played Duel Monsters (Yu-Gi-Oh), Videl getting pummeled by Spopovich (DBZ), etc).

So anyway, she’s awesome, she’s exactly the type of character I would’ve loved as a kid.  The only reason she’s behind Gold here is because at my age, “makes me laugh” > “the kind of main character I used to wish I could be”

5. Green (the girl trainer...I’m just too loyal to the Viz version to call her “Blue”...)

I’m trying not to rehash the same “I’m a girl but none of the girls in my shows/comics are like me!” childhood woes over and over, haha, but as much as I always enjoyed Green for being extremely clever and outsmarting the boys and being funny when she did so, she always lost points with me for being “pretty” and flirting to get her way, because that put her in the box of “girls are supposed to be pretty and desired by boys and obsessed with their appearance and romance” that was so foreign and disheartening to me as a kid.

But her staredown with Ho-oh at the end of the GSC arc TOTALLY got me.  As a sad adult with anxiety, watching characters who are absolutely terrified overcome their fear, watching characters who are completely beaten down struggle back to their feet and keep fighting, is like my ultimate power fantasy.  That sequence genuinely had me in tears.

Also her bond with Silver is super precious, especially since that’s like the first time in the series we’ve seen her be genuinely emotional and vulnerable with someone instead of teasing or manipulating them.

Honorable mention: Sapphire

I haven’t gotten up to R/S in my reread yet, and I only read that arc once over like a weekend ten years ago, but I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a Top Fave cus again there’s that “I'm not like other girls!” childhood feel  (last time I’m saying it, I promise)

It’s a story arc where one protag wants to fight the gyms and the other protag wants to win the beauty contests, but the one who wants to fight the gyms is the girl!!  And she’s the typical “dumb but extremely good at fighting” shounen protag but she’s the girl!!  She’s feral and illiterate and a total tomboy and wins all her fights and she’s a GIRL!!!!

--

Anyway, those are my kids and my dude and my probably way-too-personal reasons why.  If you wanna reblog, reply, or send an ask about your own faves...please

[lethendralis-paints]

Artist Meme

Was tagged to answer this set of interesting questions by @kourvo​

(original post is here: https://kourvo.tumblr.com/post/621355098110640128/artist-meme

Thank you so much for that!

Let’s see....

1) What is the character you've drawn the most (Can be original or fanart)

This precious boy. I can never get enough of him. One of the most compelling characters I have ever come across. Love everything about Fenris and can relate to him on so many levels!

2. What colour do you often use? 

Gray and brown are my faves. And all other colours have the same chance of appearing in my artwork :D

3. Any colour you are bad at using?

I don’t think so...I love them all, even the pinks and yellows people usually find hard to incorporate into a colour palette. Tell me in the comments if I’m wrong :)

4. When drawing people, where do you start? 

Funnily enough - either with the front of the hairline or with the left eyebrow. Don’t ask me, why - I don’t know myself.

5. What is a character only your eraser will love?

Hmmmm...any sort of villainous character. I can’t draw evil people convincingly. I’m a huge softy at heart.

6. Which of your works took the longest time? 

Big scale commission I did for @pikapeppa​, featuring all the Inquisition companions, along with Fenris, Rynne and Carver Hawke. That one took almost 3 weeks, due to its sheer scope and my relative lack of experience in such large works. Pika was extremely patient with me though, for that I am eternally thankful!

7. What techniques do you use when you want to improve in drawing? 

Classical art studies. Varying my technique, themes I choose and software I use. I try to experiment and go outside my comfort zone often.

8. What do you think of the art of the person who gave you this ask meme? 

I adore Lillymon’s technical skill, refined style and limited colours! She is a huge inspiration for me!

9. What art tools/media are you good with? 

DrawPile, Photoshop, graphite pencils and liners. That’s about it :)

10. Art tools/media you are bad at? 

Traditional paints. I have no formal artistic education and my lack of knowledge comes to the forefront whenever I have to paint on a real canvas. It’s so much trial and error, you can’t even imagine....

11. What do you think about your own art? 

Lately it’s one of the last few things that were bringing me joy. I hope I won’t lose the passion for it. Because at this point I’m not sure I’ll be able to find some occupation I will be genuinely interested in and good at it. I don’t know if me gravitating towards moody fantasy art speaks about my fear of facing reality. If so, idk what to do with that. I do hope to develop my skills and being able to support myself financially as an artist.

12. Do you consult references for your drawings? 

Yes. A lot of them. Anatomical atlases, schemes for both academic and manga art, photographs found online and taken on my own, copying colour palettes from classical art - anything goes. I think it’s essential to develop your technical skill.

13. What do you like about your art? 

Lately - consistency, both in terms of produced results and in sticking to the timelines I set to myself. I hope this lasts. I would also like to branch out to other themes and not confine myself to quirky fantasy characters, so I’m working on developing my own story behind the scenes (spoilers) :P

14. What habits do you have while drawing?

Only the bad ones, lol. Hunching forward in front of the screen, forgetting to eat, drink and letting my eyes rest. Tilting my head to the side instead of rotating the canvas....I’m an idiot XD

15. Are you good at drawing faces facing right? 

I think that’s the thing I’m good at!

16. How frequently do you draw? 

For the last 1,5 years - almost every day without fail, for good or ill.

17. What do you do when you have artist's block? 

Change occupation and work myself into a depressed state. I changed work places in the last few years a lot, working as an interior designer, draftsman, textile designer, a cook, a bartender to name a few.

18. What must you have when you draw? 

No commotion around me and a cup of some hot beverage.

19. Do you have a lot of stray lines (messy lineart)? 

In the starting stage of my work process - yes, like you wouldn’t believe! If it’s a personal doodle, I sometimes just leave in as am under layer and draw clean lines on top of that mess. It looks cool in a way.

20. What is drawing to you?

An essential part of what helped me to retain my sanity in the last year and a half. Hopefully a lasting profession that will help me pay bills and survive on my own, if my life falls apart entirely later.

21. Your art goal from now on? 

Broaden the themes I depict, improve my technical skill, work on personal creative project and not only fan arts. And most of all - not giving up on it this time.

22. Artists you've had influence from? 

To name a few: @kallielef​ @kourvo​ @shayafury​ @fairsparrow​ who I met here on Tumblr, and many others who I follow and zealously study their works for clues on how to improve my own work.

23. Artists you like? 

I am following them all either here or on Instagram, I also do my best to share their works on my side blog!

24. Which is easier to draw, humans or animals? 

It was animals earlier. But now that I started to diligently study human anatomy, I would say it evened out! I’m quite confident drawing humans/humanoids now!

25. Show us an old drawing 

My first digital drawing from 2010 when I first bought my tablet!

26. What is the charm-point of your art?

I ummm....I don’t really get the question? Is that like the the strongest suit of me as an artist? Intense expressions maybe? Idk. Let me know in the comments :D

27. What is the first thing you would draw if we're talking about fantasy? 

Broody warriors, he-he

28. Please draw your most beloved character:

Here’s a sneak-peek of me drawing him right now! :D

29. When thinking of characters is it mostly female? male? or androgynous/no sex? 

I usually gravitate towards depicting strong-willed, caring, passionate, brave, honest men and women.

30. What did you draw yesterday? 

Started cleaning up that sketch from the last question, actually!

31. What is the funnest part to draw? 

A circle. Mostly because you’d die laughing seeing my struggle to draw a believable one XD

32. What part of other people's drawings do you notice first? 

colours, mood, eyes, hands.

33. Regarding backgrounds, what is your method of making it easier to draw? 

pick your favourite textured brush, find a good reference for mood and colour scheme, zoom out, squint your eyes and start slapping colours like mad. You’d be amazed at how much you’ll be able to achieve in 30 minutes with this approach. Bare white background is the enemy - destroy it! >:)

34. What colour coordinations do you like? 

Gray or brown as a main colour and then deep, earthy, saturated colours to complement the main one. Pink and orange is the combination I strangely enjoy using lately too.

35. What character did you last draw? Fenris and Eris :)

36. Does your style change easily? 

I don’t think so. More like it’s evolving slowly into something more serious and deliberate.

37. What part of drawing do you pay most attention to? 

Facial expression, body movement, mood and light effects. Not so much the composition and framing, he he.

38. How do you feel about drawing adult art? 

Tbh, I don’t consider straight up porn to be ‘adult’ exactly. To me adult art means aiming towards serious topics, exploring complex emotions and ideas, being honest with your viewer. I did doodle a few more steamy sketches of my OTP just to see if I could, but it was definitely a tongue-in-cheek kind of a artwork that I don’t take seriously.

39. Do you like criticism from others? 

If it’s friendly and in done in private - I welcome it always.

40. How many people do you normally draw per artwork? 

1 or 2. Rarely more. Crowded battle scenes are definitely not my thing :D

This was fun! Tagging forward to @shayafury​ @schoute​ @stella-minerva​ @nug-juggler​ @kallielef​ and anyone else wishing to go through such a long questionnaire!

[flow-green]

Fresh dog onwer and a Fuck-It-Diet

Slowly I am crawling out from my black hole. Few months of silence has been broken. I disappeared for a bit due to quite severe reason. I will not reveal it here in details, if anyone is interested, feel free to DM me :). It was not related to my ED. Life just happened and decided to throw quite a tricky challenge on my way, which luckily got solved in a positive way, and within March I managed to pick myself back up again.

These two months were quite adventurous and opened my eyes on many levels. I started to appreciate more what and who surrounds me and how dear and important my family and close ones are to me. I realized that I hurt them with my self-destructive behavior and this constant worrying over me is an unnecessary burden and a source for stress. So, I am really grateful for this experience. More and more I have started to let go of the restrictions and demons in my head and slowly move towards a mentality that my body is my own temple, my own home and serves me and myself only, and not someone else. Or, well, perhaps in an uncertain future it will be a temporary home for another person, so I should really take care of my body.

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more, because by a happy accident I stumbled upon a book, but more on that a bit later. First, I would like to tell you about one of the biggest changes of my life, which has brought so much happiness and positivity to our lives. Namely, we now have a new family member. No, I did not have a baby (a bit ironic in this context...), but now there is a constant cheerful pit-a-pat on our floor, made by four cute little paws. On February 16 we got an unexpected opportunity to get a dog! Charlie has now been with us almost 2 months, 2 amazing months. In his quite unique size and unknown breed (we suspect a fox is somehow involved...) he has turned us into these crazy dog lady and sir, you know, like a crazy cat lady.

I think if people saw us right now just the three of us in our natural habitat, they would never ever dare to do any official busines with us.

Anyhow, here he is. Charlie even has his own Instagram account (another sign that we definitely are not normal)

Mr. Dog has a massive amount of dog fur which happily floats all over the house and if we vacuum the entire place on Wednesday morning, all the fur bunnies have taken their natural place back to themselves.

Charlie is cool. With his happy face he rides with us to all the places around the country, he loves car rides. Every weekend we go to some new place in Estonia to explore, our 10 km (over 6 miles) hikes have become our cool new habit. One morning was especially special. We both lost our sleep around 4 AM in the morning and after an hour of chit chat in the bed while Charlie still slept between us (yes, he is a heavy sleeper and definitely not a morning person and yes, he sleeps in our bed. Deal with it), we decided that enough of bedtime and no more sleep. let’s wake up as the sun will rise at 6 AM. Let’s make some breakfast and lunch to go, watch the sunrise with coffee and then go to an early hike in Käsmu, around the epic seaside in Northern Estonia. Done deal. This was one of the most amazing days in my life.

Charlie is just like a therapy dog. Every time when I feel like breaking down in tears, I hug Charlie tight and let him comfort me with his soft cuddles and confident and wise eyes. All the sorrow and worries are gone. Charlie has also made us so active physically. We take several longer or shorter walks throughout the day. I have started to really love walking and running again and for me, for myself, and not for calories or for punishment. I am not counting distance or pace anymore. Every evening I fall asleep, happily excited about my upcoming morning run. I truly enjoy every last step I take.

But, as I promised, a few lines about my new ‘diet’ called The Fuck It Diet. Recently, I pampered myself with another e-reader and this motivated me to search some books which are suggested for people struggling with eating disorders. ‘The Fuck It Diet’ popped up and caught my eye. I managed to get it as an e-book and eagerly dug the pages in. The first lines already made my jaw drop: at first with anger towards the stated facts and later on because of complete understanding.

This book has totally topsy-turvy’ed my views as it describes my current situation in exquisite correct details. My whole belief system about diets, eating habits and weight numbers have completely changed. The whole book teaches you how to get rid of food addiction, self-esteem issues and obsession about body image and weight.

Why have I spent over 10 years battling with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder? Why do I relapse in my hardest moments and total body hating world into an absurd calorie restriction, where I lose 6+ kg in 2 months, can keep myself skinny, yet sad for maximum 3-4 months, because I will not allow myself to eat anything as I want to lose even more to keep some buffer weight, then get tired and surrender and then eat back all those lost pounds and even more within few weeks? Why can’t I lose weight if I decide that instead of starving myself instead, I will go on some new diet, but this gives no result, weight will not drop, I get frustrated and get back to purging out food or get back to bingeing? Why does this wheel go round, and round and my weight will keep fluctuating vigorously and never stabilizes? Who do I go from one extreme to another? I have punished and scolded myself for years. I have tried to search or reasons: perhaps my genes are messed up and I am forever destined to keep my intake at 500 calories, so I can keep myself in that sweet spot of underweight and normal weight (because that is the only acceptable weight range for me. Sick, isn’t it?)

And then I got my answer: it is not about me or my genes. It’s because of these diets, no matter how beautiful the creators have painted them. It’s because human body has not meant to follow absurd rules about eating, be it fasting, LCHF, keto, paleo, raw vegan, or even mindful eating (eat slow! Rate your hunger! It’s under 10? You are not about to collapse from hunger? Good, drink some lemon water instead. See? Another bunch of rules to stress your brain out).

Most people commute from one diet to another, follows the rules and counts the calories for few months and then a relapse enters. it always does. Then, you will buy another diet plan, which promises even better results. You will haul for absurdly expensive foods like nut butters, almond flour, coconut oil. You replace your favorite foods with some silly alternative. You Google why the hell do I have a massive craving for Chocolate, which of course is your forbidden food. Google tells you have a magnesium deficiency (which might actually be true you know), but the solution: eat 12 almonds and forget about the chocolate. Be honest, that answer frustrates you a bit, deep down. So, instead to go and buy the damn chocolate and make your brain shut up, you force the craving down because FORBIDDEN! But at some point, you still go, buy the chocolate, eat it, and then promise yourself that now you will not touch another piece of chocolate once in upcoming months, will also restrict your intake a few weeks and eat your almonds. And are miserable. And then you eat some more chocolate. And are miserable again. Round and round, it goes.

And you gain those 10 pounds back. WHY, for the love of god?

Simple: your body has no clue whatsoever anymore, what the hell is going on. Years and years, you have kept your body in an unnatural state of starving, famine. Dietary culture has taught us that in order to lose weight all nice, you need to keep yourself in a calorie deficit and this should be around 1200-1500 cals in a day, maximum calorie intake cannot be more than 2000. You count every bite, every mouthful, you write it all down to MyFitnessPal. You eat your food, but you still crave for something more and are already worried about your next meal: can I eat something soon? What can I eat for dinner? Dude, you JUST ate, and you SHOULD feel full. If you don’t, there is obviously a problem. If you are full and STILL want something, there is obviously a problem. And your body is screaming at you the only solution. You worry about food 85% of your day (for me it was 100%, yes, even when I was having sex. Just SPECTACULARLY awesome!)

Body is not stupid. Body now has been taught that no matter what, there is always a next diet and famine state around every corner all the time. Body is scared. Body listens to the brain which constantly repeats those endless rules about eating. No chocolate, no pizza, bread is bad, cheese is bad, ice cream?! Are you stupid? Only a mango sorbet, something sugar free and watery or even better: make your own ice cream from banana (but remember, only HALF A banana!). Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and then you will go and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all in one go. You will torture yourself afterwards because ice cream is forbidden. You cannot eat it; you need to restrict and go for a 20-k run.

Now comes the most sillies, but the most logical fact: in order to break the cycle, there is only one simple solution: EAT! Everything. A lot. Eat it all that you have craved for years and years and have vetoed. Eat your cravings. Eat even when you are not hungry. Just eat whenever you feel like it. Eat until you are absolutely 100% satisfied and say honestly: no more. This process can take weeks, months, even years, depending on the individual. People in the book describe how they needed three whole years to reprogram their body back to its natural cycle. And it is scary, boy it’s scary. But you just need to take the leap into the water full speed, no splashing with your toes a bit to test the water. The faster you jump, the faster you get the wheels running. Result? Body calms down. Brain can finally rest and reprogram itself back to the way it must be. No food is forbidden anymore (unless you have a severe nut allergy. Please do not eat nuts if you might actually die). The brain now knows that whenever it wants something, it can actually get it, no strings attached, and calms down.

Yes, your will gain weight, sorry, this is not all strawberries and cream (yum, now I want strawberries and cream, will get some for dinner). At first, your body will not trust you. Would you trust yourself if you have been treated miserably for years? It is certain that it’s a trick and another diet is just around the corner. It takes time for it to calm down and start functioning the way it was meant to be. Weight will go up until the body heals and then... it will stop, the weight will naturally balance out, probably even go back down between the weight set points that everyone has, depending on your body and personal physical factor. I know that my middle goldilocks zone is about 5-6 kg more than my absolute lowest weight (right now I am around 10 kg heavier than my all time lowest and it is still in between my weight set points) and I am now completely okay with that number.

And I have now practiced this approach for half a week. Day before yesterday I had some Hesburger (McDonalds basically; had a vegan burger with FRIES), yesterday I ordered myself a vegan pizza without a second thought, with vegan cheese and everything, the whole package. I have now eaten ice cream for 4 days straight (one of my biggest forbidden foods), some vegan desserts. And yesterday I had my first shocking moment. I bought myself another ice cream after the pizza and right after I had bought it, I realized, that I actually do not want it right now. I have no craving. I got home and threw it in the freezer. After my dinner of soup and grilled cheese (!!!), I decided that I am going to eat the ice cream now. I had eaten half of it when I felt that I don’t want it anymore. I still finished it as it was a really small cone, but it was clearly more than enough. The rest of the evening I had no more cravings at all, no hunger. I didn’t even think about food anymore. I just enjoyed the movie with my SO and Charlie. Usually after dinner I was already overthinking about my next meal that was obviously hours away in the morning as no food after 6 PM and I definitely want something as breakfast is so far away, and besides, I try to postpone breakfast anyway as much as possible because intermittent fasting 16 hours +, which made me especially cranky and created countless of mornings with fights and tears with my SO. But now... no cravings and hunger for the entire night. Today morning I woke up with stomach still full from last night. I did not think about foo. Few hours later I bought some oatmeal, carrots, and hummus – and not because it is super healthy, and I am not allowed to eat anything else. No. I actually had a massive craving for carrots and hummus and oatmeal. For lunch, we decided to take some local hand-made burgers. I ordered vegan burger, but as a naked version without buns. Once again, not because empty forbidden bread calorie, but because I actually wanted that hearty vegan patty to sit on a pile of fresh leafy greens, peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My stomach was still quite full of carrot snacks and past dew days’ fast food. I had no inner battle about this with craving vs forbidden food. Nope, I actually did not want any bread or bun.

That was around 3 PM. And hours later I am still full. Back then I had a sever fear over next meal or even a desperate need for additional snack (a forbidden chocolate, ice cream or something similar), but nooo, forbidden, which made the craving and fear even worse.

I have not thought about food today anymore, except now that I write this.

I have gained weight, yes, and it scares me to the core, and I confessed this few days ago to my SO. He looked at me with surprised eyes and said that to be honest, he has not even noticed I have gained, he only realizes this when I have days with severe low self-esteem and when I try to hide my naked body. I think the gain is around 5-6 kg (over 10 pounds), which is not even that big of a deal. Of course, I see and know I have gained, because my clothes now fit kind of perfectly, some rare pieces are a bit tight (I’m in XS-S size, 4-6, and clothes used to be kind of baggy even. Girl, do you need more proof that you are NOT FAT?), my legs are not super-tight sticks with a thigh cap and my collar bones do not press out. I have now extra inches on my body and probably this is the most difficult thing to accept. Recently, I saw over years that the first weight number of 5 has turned into 6 (in kg), over night, which means it was probably water weight from weekend of drinking and salty foods, so this means the actual one is still few kg lower, but the fear is still very real and at that moment I realized that I am tired of crying over a pair of numbers. I am so done. On this day, I asked my partner to hide the scale so I would not now where it is. I went for my morning run and when I came back, I saw him grinning and the scale had disappeared.

On Saturday we went to a birthday party. There was a hot tab with out-doors transportable sauna. Everyone was wild from happiness, except me. I had my bikini with me but for few days already I had stressed out that I will not join the tub, I will not expose my fat body like that. But my friend suggested me to break down the stubbornness, overcome my fears and just do it. No one will judge me, nobody notices, nobody even cares. All those fears are demons in my head. At the party I was sure that I will not go. But then, at some point, I gave myself a mental kick on the butt and went for it. And I am not sorry. I had a blast! Didn’t seem like anyone was giving me looks from head to toes and judged me with their eyes ‘god she is fat!’

This week has been tough, but I now have so many small wins in my bag and overcoming several problems - something I thought I can never do. My motivation has skyrocketed. I could never believe that there might be a time where I am not thinking about food so obsessively. Of course, I know that this is just the beginning of my healing and a long way is to go. I do believe it takes months to amend the damage done in over 10 years.

One of my first fears when reading the book was: What if I eat myself to the absurd size of 400 lbs. seen in those scary reality shows. And my brain gave me the logical answer right away: those 400pound people are also mentally sick, obsessive over food. They have eaten themselves to the slaves of food from very early stage of their lives, being influenced by family, social environment and whatnot, but I am only in my early thirties and 80% of my life I have eaten well-balanced foods and been in the normal weight range, some years I struggled with slight overweight due to puberty and stress from massive changes in life, but this sorted itself out naturally as I got rid of the puberty hormones and stress, weight fluctuated minimally, until I hurled myself head first to the world of diets and eating disorders,

So, most definitely I cannot eat myself to a 400 lbs., it is not physically possible. Perhaps the most real case scenario would be me gaining to 65 kg +, which is coming close to small obesity, but even this is not highly possible as I see that when eating normally, I cannot fit that much food in me and when my metabolism actually heals, the weight should stabilize out and probably even go down a bit. That would actually be a dream: that it will stop going up AND DOWN. I really  want that mental and physical stability back.

I miss a normal life. I am in a seriously perfect relationship which has been really close on the edge of abyss because of my sickly behavior. I have gambled with so many good things in my life and almost lost it all. Enough, seriously. I have

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Fifteen

Submitted by jwrites_

Five Favourite Fics:

1. What's It Gonna Be by @lemonoclefox

Why I love this fic: I'm a sucker for Pride & Prejudice. San was able to take that dynamic and put it all in a modern day telling of it. I can't count how many times I've read this. Sometimes I read it all the way through, other times I go and find my favorite parts just to get that rush of emotions it never fails to give. The enemies to lovers is done perfectly, the dialogue is great and flows seamlessly, the way she tied in the storyline between Simon, Isabelle, Valentine, and Alec together was genius. I truly love every word of this story.

Favorite scene: Awkward - love - confession - in -  the -  rain

Favorite quote(s):

(Yes. Love confessions are great but have you ever overheard someone say something rude about you and then have the opportunity later that same night to be able to casually call that person out for their comment?)

"Her friend is..." He trails off, as though searching for the word, and Magnus can imagine him gesturing in the meantime. "Interesting," Jace eventually settles on, pointedly.

"Who, that Bane guy?" Alec says, and as he does, Magnus is hit with a wave of intrigued surprise. Does Alec like men? Interesting. The assumption could be wrong, of course, but Jace's tone implies that that's why he's mentioning it. "He's a bit over the top, don't you think?"

He sounds almost disdainful as he says it, as though Jace's mere suggestion is laughable, and Magnus's intrigue immediately shifts to offended annoyance. He straightens a little where he stands, reluctantly affected by it.

--

"I mean, love songs are great," Magnus admits lightly. "But stringing a few pretty words together does seem a bit unoriginal when everyone does it."

Simon shoves him lightly in offense, and Magnus can't help but laugh.

"Then what do you suggest?" Magnus is taken completely by surprise when he realizes that it's Alec who's speaking, and he turns to him. The guy's expression is neutral, but seems genuinely curious.

"Oh, I don't know," Magnus says, swirling his drink around in his glass. He shrugs. "I suppose I'm more a fan of showing and not telling. I'd much prefer someone showing interest in what I like and who I am, than comparing my eyes to the night sky, and whatnot." He gestures airily, then hesitates. He suddenly can't seem to stop himself, the memory of the Lightwoods' overheard conversation bubbling to the surface. "I think most people can appreciate that. Even if some of us are a bit over the top."

--Okay...I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a love confession~

"Look, I don't expect anything from you," he says, as though the words are hard to say. "You've made your feelings pretty clear, and I respect that. But I heard you talked to my mom, and with the stuff you said to her... I guess it just kind of made me a bit hopeful, or something. A bit." He clears his throat, while Magnus just listens. He turns to watch Alec's profile as the young man struggles to find the words, eyes on the view in front of him. "Either way, I'll admit that how I feel hasn't really changed. Maybe it should have, but..."

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus feels his throat go dry. He wants to interrupt Alec, wants to say and show everything that's bursting out of his chest, but he waits. Alec takes a deep breath then, turns to him. He looks determined.

"If you want me to," he says steadily, "I'll go. I'll leave you alone, I promise. You won't hear from me again." He pauses, licks his lips. "But if you don't want me to, if something has changed since last time, somehow... I'd really like to know. Because that would be pretty great."

2. 42 North 71 West by @lecrit​

Why I love this fic: I was blessed with the opportunity to witness Lu working on this fic from its conception to its end. I was there and still I am blown away at the way she was able to work the time jumps. I remember thinking with every chapter I read, 'Wow. The way she is telling this story is amazing. She is amazing.' Lu has a way of presenting so much honesty in her characters. She writes them in a way that feels so real, that you can't help but understand their fears and hesitations even though it hurts. The story is a back and forth told through scenes set in the past and present. You get to see what they were and where they are. The story is beautifully heartbreaking. And she was able to make me enjoy a story that dealt with politics? What? Sorcery, I tell you. -- also, the bench.

Favorite scene: This was almost impossible to choose and I took way too long trying to pinpoint just one. But I'm going to go with one that I hold very dear. When Magnus goes to visit Alec on his birthday and he finds Alec playing the song he only plays when he's sad. That's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil~

Favorite quote(s):

“Magnus,” Alec breathes out.

The name feels almost foreign, as if he hadn’t uttered it in too long and now his mind is troubling to catch up with his mouth. Still, it manages to make Alec’s heart stutter.

--

“We should’ve stayed on that bench in Boston,” he murmurs.

--

The good thing is, he knows where to go to find his way back. It is inked on his body, engraved into his soul, sealed into his heart.

3. Lead The Way by Clockworkswan

Why I love this fic: Because it takes the wonderful adventure of Doctor Who and packs it in with Malec. This is the ultimate fun and feel good but you will also cry at one point fic. I always go back to it if I want a wonderfully written Doctor Magnus and his adorable companion Alec. Seriously, even if you're not into Doctor Who, give this fic a shot. It's written in a way that you will get so caught up in the adventure that you won't even realize it's based on something else. And if you're a Doctor Who fan, you're in luck with all the little Easter Eggs Heather left throughout.

Favorite scene: I really don't want to spoil anything. The planet of Ablorix. This will mean nothing if you don't read the fic (so you should ;])

Favorite quote(s):

Magnus extends a hand. It’s just like before, when they were in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. It’s just as inviting as it was the first time.

“How about it, pretty boy? Name a star. Any one will do. Or a date,” Magnus says. The double meaning is evident when he winks. He pauses then, and his expression shifts, growing solemn.

A clear shift in his demeanour happens. Magnus turns from playful to sincere in the blink of an eye. Although, there was also a serious tone to it. Magnus looks at him, and understanding eyes meet Alec’s hesitant ones. “Alexander, you seem like a man in need of a break, and I am very much a man in need of a friend. Adventures are always a quick way in figuring out what you want. What do you say?”

What does he say?

He says yes.

Of course Alec does.

--

Before Magnus can think of a good retort, he tries to ignore the clenching ache his stomach gives at the sight of a confident, smirking Alec Lightwood watching him so openly. He settles for pointing in a random direction. “I have to go and see a dog about a man. Meet back here in five?”

“Uh, isn’t the expression, ‘see a man about a dog’?”

“Not when the dog ran off with the man’s wife. A rather big scandal, it seems. The president wants me to try and step in. Smooth things over, so to speak.”

At that, Alec just stares blankly.

Magnus holds up a finger. “Yes, this is normal for me. No, you may not come along. Go.”

4. Love & Other Drugs prequel of Our Love Is A Harsh Chord in the Semi-charmed Kind Life series by @la-muerta​

Why I love this fic: I'm kind of cheating here by listing two fics but they're a package deal. Love & Other Drugs was a smutty one-shot that left me wanting

more...

backstory. Let me tell you the pining and 'unrequited' love between those two demanded a story to be written. Which is why when la_muerta ran a poll on whether or not she should start it or another series first, I campaigned for this one like it was my job (I lost but I still got the series eventually so did I really lose?) The writing in this and with all of la_muerta's fics will hook you. The sadness over the back and forth between them is done so well. It's angst that will grip you and hold onto you until you eventually finish. Just go on the twitter hashtag of #OLIAHCfic and see my screaming.

Favorite scene: Probably the LSD scene.

Favorite quote(s):

Alec was still here, in bed with him.

How many times had Magnus wished that he could wake up with Alec in his arms? He didn't dare to move, wanting the dream to last a little longer, but Alec was already stirring.

--

he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.

--

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later).

--

Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way.

5. The Lonely Hearts Hotline by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: It's funny, it's endearing, it's heart wrenching, it's sexy, etc. The way Alec is written in this fic is one of my favorite characterizations. The way his situation can resonate with so many young adults today. That feeling when you're an adult and you feel like you should know what to do with your life and who you should be but the truth is, you're still just as lost as always. Being an adult sucks tbh and even when you're an adult, sometimes life doesn't quite feel like it. Alec's character and growth in this fic is beautiful. (I also really loved Jace in this fic)

Favorite scene: A tough choice. Probably the office party and follow up scene in Magnus' office.

Favorite quote(s):

The problem with being a new grad, in general, is that the world and job force demands you have experience, but you have to live a certain number of productive years on the planet to gain that experience.

Early adulthood is no man's land. You don’t have the experience to matter and no one wants to pay you to gain it, hence how he ended up in the precarious situation he’s in: dodgy sex work by night, an even dodgier roommate, and desperately hoping an internship eventually turns into an actual paying job.

--

Magnus runs his tongue down the knobs of Alec's spine. "You're so beautiful," he says, pausing.

"I'm really not," Alec insists, eyes fluttering closed.

"Why are you so kind to everyone except yourself?"

"I'm a work in progress."

"Aren't we all?"

[metaldragoon]

I feel like I’ve been gone decades, but it’s only been about 15 months since my last post. It’s nice to see that after years of bitterly seeing all my GIFs and screencaps get 2 notes while Joeshmo Clownman rakes in the notes, that I am now the entitled no-talent scrub who gets 4,000 notes on everything. Just some updates on my life if anyone cares, I guess.  Not much has particularly changed, I still do the same job in the same house with the same wife and dog.  I started focusing a lot more on my physical fitness.  Not that I’m by any means cut, but I’m somewhere around 190-195 lbs (at 6′4″) and I run roughly 50KM a week.  I started the 50KM every week goal back in July I believe, and it was pretty therapeutic for me.  As a previously mentioned big boi I have some horrible knees, and mangled toes and sprained ankles from wearing shoes that are too small all my life.  In 2014 I stopped running and shortly thereafter soccer and basketball because of all the constant injuries.  I don’t really have any outlets to express my self and losing sports was pretty hard on me. Thanks to the power of the internet and some MRIs over the years I became confident I could regain my former activities as none of my issues were degenerative and would just take focus on specific exercises to strengthen the surrounding muscles.  I still hate doing workouts so it’s a struggle, but being able to run is a fantastic thing.  I started my comeback tour with swimming last winter.  I’m not a particularly good swimmer and unfortunately COVID shut all that down in March, I would like to go back because it’s pretty guiltless exercise as it is extremely low impact, but oh well.  There’s a jarring amount of penises in a swimming locker room when you first get in there, but soon we’re all apart of the penis gang and having a great time. Anyways, back to running.  I have been doing 2 half marathons every week for the past 3 weeks now, which is a really short time frame, but the progression has been pretty rapid which is really comforting.  I went from barely being able to lift my legs because how sore my hips were to dropping 6 minutes off my run 2 days later, when back in 2014 I’d be sore for days.  I’ve already eclipsed all my running PRs from when I was younger (though I also hardly tracked them back then) and while I am a grandpa at the age of 29 I have been studying a lot of long distance runners and I have like, at least 10 more years of an athletic prime if I keep up my health, which is nice to know because by 29 you’re curbside trash in the NBA. Moving away from my athletic passions because none of my friends care about that, I have recently found out I am “dismissive avoidant” as an attachment style, which is kinda cool? I say that because there’s lots of things to call yourself to feel marginalised but I never felt there was something wrong with me that “clicked.” Sure, I am depressed, anxious, and am introverted, but who the hell isn’t?! I say kinda cool because on the one side it’s like “ohhhh that’s what’s wrong, my parents never provided any emotional support and I taught myself to not express my self because no one cares!”  And from that I’ve also learned that everyone should just learn to deal with their own problems.  It also says I’m narcissistic which was interesting because I’d never really considered my self that because I always keep to my self, but upon reflection I think it to be pretty true.  I mean, it might appear self-evident to anyone reading this as this is the 5th paragraph about me talking about my self, to a bunch of strangers, and expecting them to care, but I wouldn’t ever be like this in real life.  And you might also think I seem pretty open about my emotions with posts like this, but I feel this is the depth of me.  If anyone actually wanted to talk to me about my problems I would block it out because I don’t like the feeling of vulnerability and I will shut a person out of my life entirely before saying I feel insecure about something.  

But with that to feel comfortable about and fall asleep to, I also feel kinda sad about it because it just makes me another statistic of the many dismissive avoidants of the world, and like them, I’ll probably be content enough with who I am all my life to never strive for improvement. With all that said, a few final comments.  Final Fantasy 7 Remake was trash,  Hollow Knight is fantastic, Catherine Full Body was pretty good, and Yakuza Kiwami was also surprisingly really good.  Every other game I’ve played in the past year either wasn’t new (to me) or I don’t feel particularly strongly about it that I need to say something about it.

[airis-paris14]

Starlight 5

Summary: Amani is an orphaned heiress who’s spent most of her life raising her younger sister. T’Challa is a widowed King and Father. Neither of them is expecting much from their night at the Lotus. But the coming months have many milestones in store for these young adults. Will becoming a family be one of them?

A/N: Happy Thanksgiving y’all!

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6

“Madiyson we’re going to be late!” Amani yelled at her friend who’d been doing her makeup for the past hour. The heiress sighed and buckled her heel shut around her ankle. She double-checked that her purse had her ID, insurance cards, some cash, and a portable phone charger. She threw in her lipstick de jour and shut the clutch. “Madiyson,” Amani yelled for her friend again. Her phone buzzed in her hand and she smiled glancing at her new message.

T’Challa: and I take it you aren’t particularly thrilled about having to work tonight?

Amani: Not even a little bit

Amani grinned. It’d been two months since she spent the night with T’Challa and Ada. Before she left the next day he’d made sure he’d gotten her number. They’d talked every day all day for the last 60 days. Unfortunately, T’Challa had been busy at home and didn’t know the next time he’d be in the states. That night while watching the movie she’d ended up wrapped in his arms and she missed him. They’d shared kisses on the couch, and one final one before she’d left the hotel the next afternoon. She couldn’t lie and say she didn’t really really missed him. “You ready?” Madiyson’s voice broke Amani’s daydreaming. “Huh?” Amani placed her phone in her clutch.

“Who are you texting?” A grin snuck its way across Madiyson’s face. “No one,” Amani mumbled trying to hide the blush sneaking on her face. She knew it wouldn’t show on her cheeks but her friends could read her like a book, Madiyson would know she was embarrassed instantly. “Um-hmm. It must be baby daddy from the restaurant that’s got you grinning like that,” Madiyson teased following her friend out of the house. Amani knew how to handle this. Just play dumb for long enough and Madiyson would lose interest relatively quickly. “Who’s baby daddy?”

“The fine man that came in with his daughter? You told me y’all reconnected at the last party and he spent the night over your house. Don’t act like he ain’t man up and finally get that number. If a dude stays at your house without trying to hit it, he likes you.” Madiyson shrugged. Amani locked the front door and unlocked her car. The two women piled in the car and Amani pulled off. “Or he just wants to be friends with me?” She spoke up a few minutes later. “Ah, so you admit that’s who you were texting?” Shit. Amani froze, “no he still hasn’t called.”

“You’re a horrible liar sis,” Madiyson chuckled. “New message from T’Challa,” the cars automated voice flowed out through the stereo. “Oh who’s T’Challa?” Madiyson smirked and reached for Amani’s phone. The heiress prompt smacked her hand away. “Leave it alone,” Amani whined. “Come on sis, I don’t know why you’re trying to hide that you like him.”

“I’m not trying to hide anything.”

“You’re really bad at lying we’ve gotta fix that soon,” Madiyson mock sighed.

“I just, I don’t know what we are right now if we are anything. I don’t want to go around telling y’all about him and we’re just temporary,” Amani relented and explained her feelings to her friend. “See was that so hard?” Madiyson teased. “Shut up,” Amani chuckled.

“In all seriousness I understand. And I respect that. I just want you to be happy. So if he makes you happy figure out what y’all are doing,” Madiyson shrugged. “Do you want to be more than friends?”

“I don’t know. I think I do, but he’s so far.”

“We’ll FaceTime is a thing for a reason,” Madiyson offered.

“Yeah. If it’s not the same as having him in my arms you know?”

“Woah Woah Woah! Time out! Flag on the play! blow the whistle! Y’all have been in each other’s arms?” Madiyson exclaimed. Amani sighed at her own slip-up. She and her big mouth. This conversation would never end now. “We may or may not have had a movie night in his hotel room a few months ago. “What! Why didn’t you tell me!” Madiyson pouted.

It isn’t that big of a deal. We just watched a movie and went to bed.”

“You spent the night!

Amani inwardly groaned. This big mouth just didn’t know when to stop. “ Yeah it was late and he offered me a guest bedroom,” Amani explained. Things didn’t exactly happen in that order, but what Madiyson didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. “Can we switch topics now?” Amani pouted.

“What else you’re wanna talk about then? And it better be good to replace this conversation.” Madiyson sassed. “How about we’re here?” Amani pulled her car into valet. “Sure but we will finish this conversation later,” Madiyson pointer at her friend before allowing the valet to help her out of the car.

“Thank you,” Amani smiles at the worker before handing him her keys. She walked around the car making sure to the train of her outfit off of the ground. Once Madiyson had Her train in hand as well, they headed into the event together.

Two hours later found Amani conversing with one of the board of directors. He was explaining the idea he was going to propose at the next board meeting. She knew that the gentleman truly wanted her feedback and approval, but Amani couldn’t help the fact that her mind was wandering. She decided that she would ask the gentleman to email her a copy of his proposal and she would offer the best feedback she could that way. It was true that Amani, nor Amare, had a heart for business, but they did truly care about their parent’s legacy. Amani had watched her parents struggle for too long to build this business. There was no way she was going to watch it fall. So even though she and Amare weren’t on payroll, she made sure to keep abreast of what management had in store for her parents’ company. Feeling bad for having virtually ignored this man’s whole spiel, Amani decided to politely interrupt and ask him to email her, when a familiar voice washed over her spine. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering If I may have a word with the lady,” the voice asked. The look on the board member’s face gave the king away. “Of course your majesty,” the man stuttered. Amani felt a genuine smile erupting on her face for the first time tonight. She didn’t bother trying to fight it when she turned to look at T’Challa. “I’m sorry for the interruption,” Amani turned back to the board member, “f you email me your proposal I’d be more than happy to provide my full opinions and continue this conversation soon,” Amani offered. “I’ll send it to you tomorrow,” the man smiled. “Have a good night Ms. Okeke, your majesty.” Amani watched him walk out of earshot before turning back to the man that had been occupying her phone and mind for the past two months.

“Perfect timing as usual,” Amani smiled up at the king. Her heart fluttered at the sight of his smile. “I was known for being quite the prince charming back in my day,” the king smiled. “Care to sneak away with me?” T’Challa offered Amani his arm. She glanced over at Madiyson who’d been talking to a young exec from a sister company. Seeing them now moving to the dance floor she decided she’d text her to let her know where’d she had gone. “Where did you have in mind, your majesty?” T’Challa smiled, “I’m afraid the balcony will have to stand in for some great adventure. I didn’t know I’d see you tonight.”

“Me neither, I thought you weren’t going to be back in the country for a while?” Amani asked as they strolled around the room towards the balcony. Her cape slid behind her as they moved around the hotel ballroom. “I didn’t plan on it. I was hoping to surprise you this weekend, I heard about this event from another company I’m looking to invest in. When you said you had to work, I didn’t know that you’d be here.” The king explained. “I guess we both got lucky then,” Amani grinned. They stepped out into the night air. T’Challa stooping to help Amani and her cape get settled on a bench stationed on the balcony. “Thank you,” the mocha-skinned woman blushed. “You look beautiful,” T’Challa smiled. Amani blushed and played with the beading on her gown. Her dress was a true nude for her skin tone, which was a rarity for black women. It was covered in a layer of sheer white fabric and delicately beaded all the way down. A sheer white cape hung down from her shoulders and created a simple but dramatic train. “You look very handsome yourself,” Amani smiled up at him. “I’ve missed you,” she admitted as they smiled at each other. “I’ve missed you as well love,” The king leaned closer. “I missed doing this too,” he smirked before engulfing Amani in a kiss. His lips took over her mind as she kissed him back.

T’Challa pulled away a few seconds later. She was glad someone was thinking straight. This was not the best place to get carried away. Amani placed one last peck on his lips before sitting back fully. She bit her lip and looked away. “I should probably text Madiyson and let her know where I am.” She pulled out her phone and sent a quick message. She felt T’Challa’s eyes staring at her as she placed her phone back in her clutch. When she looked up he pulled her into another kiss. “Last one,” he whispered as he pulled away. Amani couldn’t fight the giant smile that took over her face. Her heart was racing and her stomach was fluttering. Just the thought that he was just intoxicated by her as she was by him was a major confidence booster. “How’ve you been?” Amani asked, she let her hand rest on the bench in between her and T’Challa. She observed his profile in the city lights. The sound of traffic surrounded them while the stared at the city and her lights. She’d never felt more at peace. “Busy, but good. Mostly missing you. Ada misses you as well.”

“I miss her too,” Amani brightened at the thought of the little girl. “How have you been heiress?” T’Challa takes her hand in his own. He rubs circles along the back of her hand while she gathers her thoughts. “I’ve been good. Aching to get out of the country. I’ve been seriously thinking about starting my own event planning company. I think a little vacation could give me the time I need to finally put it into motion,” Amani revealed. “I think that sounds like a great idea,” T’Challa squeezed her hand.

“Really? You don’t think it sounds crazy?”

“No. I think distance can very well bring clarity. It sounds like you’re serious and putting a lot of thought into this. You aren’t taking it lightly and rushing it.”

“Thank you. I’m still a little nervous but I think it’ll be good for me to do something I love for once.”

“I agree. Where were you thinking about going?” T’Challa moved closer to her on the bench. “I’m not sure yet,” Amani thought, “I’ve gotta decide whether I want to stay domestic or go international. Maybe I’ll come visit you,” Amani teased. T’Challa grinned, “ You are always more than welcome.” The two fell into a comfortable silence once more. “I’m glad I saw you tonight,” Amani blurted.

“Me too Amani. Can I take you out tomorrow night? If you aren’t busy or don’t have plans,” the king asked. “Of course. Tomorrow is my off day, so I’m all yours.” Amani swore she saw something ignite behind T’Challa’s eyes, but it vanished as quickly as it came. “I have some meetings in the morning, but I’ll pick you up at 5:30?”

“I’ll be waiting.” Amani smiled, “How should I dress?”

“You look beautiful in anything,” T’Challa grinned. Amani rolled her eyes, “Really though, you always look so nice. I don’t want to wear jeans and then you show up in a suit.”

“It’s just a nice dinner and a surprise. Nothing Formal.” The king explained. Amani nodded. “Kumkani,” someone called from the balcony doors. Amani started to move away but T’Challa held her in place, with her hand in his lap. “Something has happened, we must leave quickly,” The woman relayed to T’Challa. Amani could feel the man tense and sigh. “No rest for the weary huh?” she teased in a whisper. The king offered her a small smile. “Go, I understand,” she reassured. The king nodded and stood, helping her up off the bench with him. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he reassured. Amani blushed as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. She offered a small wave as he backed off of the balcony before following the woman away. She checked her phone and realized that she and T’Challa had been on the balcony for a little over and hour. Ready to head home she spotted Madiyson talking to the same young man in a corner. She walked over and smiled at her friend. “Hey,” Madiyson smiled, “Marquis, this is my friend Amani. Amani this is Marquis. He works at Meridian Corp. We used to go to high school together.”

“Nice to meet you, Marquis,” Amani shook his hand. “Nice to meet you as well Ms. Okeke.” he smiled. “How’d you-” Amani started. “There isn’t a soul in this room who doesn’t know who the Okeke daughters are,” Marquis explained. “Oh. Well please call me Amani, a friend of Madiyson’s is a friend of mine.”

“Good to know Amani,” Marquis smiled, “I’ll leave you two alone. I really enjoyed seeing you again Madiyson.”

Madiyson blushed, “I enjoyed seeing you again too.” Marquis pulled her in for a hug, “I’ll call you soon,” he promised as he pulled away. With another nod at Amani, the young executive vanished into the crowd. “I didn’t know you were popular like that in these circles. You must be like the princess of Atlanta high society.” Madison gawked. “I guess,” Amani laughed. “You ready to call it a night?”

“Yeah girl, you were right. Marquis is the only remotely interesting person I’ve met all night,” Madiyson laughed. “I tried to tell you,” Amani joined in as they left the ballroom and got onto a balcony. Her phone buzzed in her purse. She took it out and smiled at the message.

T’Challa: I wish I didn’t have to leave, the emergency resolved itself before I could even get there

Amani: Aww poor baby. There’s always tomorrow though.

T’Challa: Indeed. I’ll be counting down the seconds until I can see you again.

Amani: Charmer.

T’Challa: Is it working?

Amani: You’re insufferable.

T’Challa: you seem to tolerate it pretty well.

Amani rolled her eyes.

Amani: Good night your majesty.

T’Challa: goodnight Amani.

“Amani!,” Madiyson’s shout pulled her out of her daze. “Yeah, sorry what’s up?”

“I asked where you vanished too earlier,” Madiyson asked. “Oh, T’Challa was here so we-”

“You saw him?! You promised you’d introduce me.”

“He had to leave early,” Amani explained. “What’d y’all talk about? I thought he wasn’t going to be in the country soon?”

“I’ll tell you all about it if you drive,” Amani chuckled.

“Can I spend the night?” Madiyson looked at her friend, her hand out awaiting the keys. “Of course.” Amani laughed.

“Then hand me the keys Mamacita! I’ll drive you anywhere you wanna go.”

Taglist: @almostpurelysmut @blackbypurpose @nyneebee @hutchj @tchoking @sisterwifeudaku @wikiwakanda @royallyprincesslilly @90sinspiredgirl @strictlyashley @afraiddreamingandloving @thedelightfulone @autumn242 @purple-apricots @kumkaniudaku @queertrex @kaciidubs @halfrican-heat @skysynclair19 @dramaqueenamby @gorjiss @leahnicole1219 @kreolemami @mzbritt @yoyolovesbucky @derangedcupcake @builtalongthewayside @ilcb7 @chaneajoyyy @lalapalooza718 @ororowrites @leahnicole1219 @dopegalkk @sarcastic-sunshines @sarahboseman @shesakillerkween @waitingonafriend @faatassbitch @lady-love-and-glitter-roses @cxnismajcr

[lastcrystalwitch]

4/11/21

Curbing frustrations due to stopping smoking, *I am constantly reminding myself to be a decent human being, and be decent to others. Its been a while since I stopped smoking. But this is the first time I did so willingly.

I had my heart broke. A close friend of mine turned out to be an enemy. Someone who didn't believe in me from the beginning, lied to my face countless times that I am just finding out about, and told others bad things about me. All I can do, and all I could ever do, however, us just accept this distrust, because that is the person that they want to be and I cant change that. I can only just keep being myself, wishing good for everyone and understand what it is that makes me tick, and focus on my needs. I spent a year and a half doting on that person, taking care of them, bringing them gifts, and trying to make them smile when most of what they did was talk bad about me behind my back, lie to me, and prove to me that they don't respect me, don't care about me, and they are stuck in a childish mindset.

Honestly early drug use in young teens prevents their brain from developing. So perhaps that's the case. You're a lost boy from neverland. And If you want to grow up and stop acting spoiled and entitled, and super selfish, you'll have to try harder than everyone else. But small steps first starting out.

Spirit told me not to burn my bridge with you. That you will grow up, that you will learn, but only after you lose your entire family, people disown you because of your cowardly negligence, and you lose everything. I don't keep liars as friends. And I should have been more careful. They say love is blind. But only the ancients understood it fully. This is why I still love you. I see you for you, and not what everyone else sees. Let me explain.

There are many forms of a persons soul. Spirit, soul, essence, and physical outer spirit, what you show everyone else, are all radically different things.

To help explain this a little bit I borrowed the following list from Wikipedia, which does a fair job at explaining most things. However, there was an exceptional volume written by one of my favorite authors so far, in the early 1800's - and his name unfortunately escapes me. He was a scholar, professor, archeologist, and preserver of ancient history. He had traveled to many many sites from ancient cultures, mainly Egypt, and it is because of his work as a linguist that we were able to get this list together to help others understand there is more to a person than just their spirit and their soul.

1Khet (physical)

2Sah (spiritual body)

3Ib (heart)

4Ka (vital essence)

5Ba (personality)

6Shut (shadow)

7Sekhem (form)

8Ren (name)

So, each one of these is its own separate element that makes up a person. And in this book from the 1800's, the one that escapes my memory - he goes into each of these, and If I am remembering correctly, this is not an exhaustive list; there are more elements to a person. But he goes into each one and breaks it down. I can do my best to explain these, but I feel like I wouldn't do half as much as a good job.

But when I look at a person, I don't know if it is my vision, but I don't see someone's KHET. I see their "ihb", Thier "Shut", and their "Ka."

But that is because as someone who was constantly bullied in my life, by all types of people, beautiful people, ugly people, faking nice people ... I don't look at the way that they dress, or how skinny they are. That is the least important part of a person. The most important part of a person is the part that they show to no one when no one else is there, how they interact with strangers, and how they interact with animals and their environment. Spencer might have broken my trust, but I see his KA, I've always seen it. And his Ka is beautiful, RARE, and so strong. He asked me what I see in him. Many people have asked me what I see in him. He has broken BA, and a very interesting Sekhem. He hates his own Ren as much as I do, and opened up to me as to why. And I know he wasn't lying about that. I enjoy his company because I see who he wants to be. And I see his Shut, (shu*ot) or his shadow. But behind every Shut, there is a light side. And he has the capability to become one of the most successful and influential people I know. He has endless potential which he hasn't even scratched the surface with, and he can change so many peoples entire lives, and doesn't even know it yet. I love his Sah, which isn't easy to explain to someone who has never heard these terms before.

And without which is why I see lots of growth needed for him to do. And he'll get there. It might take him 20 years to stop being afraid of himself, and I say that with so much love. Afraid, not calling him a coward, he is very brave, but he runs away in fear of getting hurt, and in fear of people letting him down, like so many people have done so many times in the past. Your Ka is beautiful. One of the most rare and strongest I have ever seen. As shocking of a presence as being very tall. Someone with a beautiful Ka will always influence others. Always draw attention. They are so rare and unique of a person that instantly others are attracted to them. Instantly they get noticed.

You know what is cute? Someone so tall trying to be invisible. ^-^

They are able to be someone that others depend on, feel safe around, and look up to. People want to be around others with a Ka like that. Always. Even when you're feeling blue. Because when that Ka feels better, when its not sad, when you get out of your comfort zone, set a goal for yourself and get it done, the sun comes out of the darkness. And that Ka starts emanating happiness. People with strong Ka's are like superweapons. They can be the back bone of families. Someone who everyone loves and cherishes. I don't think they know it, but that Ka is the most beautiful part of someone. And it drives me insane to think that he doesn't even know his own worth!

I forgive you for lying to me. I don't accept it, lying isn't good. But I understand why you did it. They were selfish reasons, and I don't use the word selfish in a negative way. Selfish in the fact that you were just looking for a way to get what you wanted, to make yourself happy. So you could have fun, enjoy the day, and smile like you do sometimes.

But you are still a child when it fully understands what it is that makes a person happy. And that's not your fault. You never learned the secret. No one told you because it doesn't exist in your family. It doesn't really even exist in mine, its something that I had to figure out and struggle through myself growing up, and dedicating 15 years to bettering myself and doing everything I could to become the best version of myself;

In order to be happy with the decisions that you make, in order to feel comfortable with you decisions and be proud of yourself, you have to know yourself. When we spend so much time hiding and looping pain around in our heads we spiral down into a circle that never ends. This leads to depression, drug abuse, alcoholism, lying to your friends, lying to your family, and lying to yourself. You'll look in the mirror and not know/not like who you are. To not know yourself.

Take time to practice healthy practices for you. Become an adult. Become who you want to be. You say you wished she'd come out of the blue and make you be someone who you wished you were: Someone confident. Someone happy. You wished you were okay. You said that she'd come into your life and make you stop drinking, stop doing all the drugs.

Be careful what you wish for, Giant. She came into your life. She adored you. She tried to show you how to love. You pushed her away, thwarted her efforts to help you, shamed her, disrespected her, hurt her feelings, tore her soul, made her spend entire nights crying over you and your decisions. She just wanted to trust you. And you broke that trust. YOU destroyed your relationship with select few who really were expecting great things from you.

Because you still need to learn. You still need to try. There is a point, and it is possible. Everything that you want, you can achieve. The only person who is stopping it is yourself. Grow up.

I see your pain. You can't understand that because you can't empathize with others like I can. I know your heartbreak. I can say that because I have a very big heart.

But seriously, grow up. Set a goal. Get it done. You're sitting and rotting in your own filth and its no ones fault but yours. You can blame anyone you want to. Anyone. I can think of seven people you'd probably blame instead of yourself.

Take responsibility for your actions. This is a part of growing up. Accept that you made a mistake. Say your sorry, and try again. When you do something wrong, admit it. When you go out of your way to hurt someone, tell yourself that it is bad. Be a god damn decent human being and the world will be yours. Stop living like a pathetic thief. You're better than that. You're stronger than that. I see your Ka, and I believe in you. Seriously, stop your shit. Just stop. This is bigger than your deep seeded sadness. This is about the rest of your life.

I can't force you to change. You'll either change, or stay the same miserable self you are and end up being hated and shamed by everyone in your family. But its up to you. Its only up to you. She came into your life. You got what you wished for. You had the lock, and she had the key. But you have to be the one that turns the key and opens the door to your own success and future. Sometimes you have to help yourself. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I know you can do it. I believe in you. But it doesn't matter what I say or think, or how I feel. You'll never see it that way, unless you grow up and get your head out of your ass. <3 Be a man, know yourself. Learn what it is that makes you tick. Stop the drugs. They're just a guaranteed trip to self sabotage and unhappiness. Seriously dude, you're going the wrong way on that, and I CAN SEE. So I'm giving you a heads up. It doesn't make you feel better

STOP LYING. Mostly stop lying to yourself. Drugs don't solve anything. What do they make you do? Well, they mess up your kidneys, which always hurt and only feel better when you apply pressure to them. You're rotting your kidneys. You've only got two, and a rare blood type, so the more you drink and the more you do drugs, the higher your creatinine level will be and it becomes like a cutter. You are injuring yourself to the point of self harm. And you do it deliberately to TAKE THE PAIN AWAY.

I know this because I can see your spirit. And there were so many conversations that we have had. So many that I know you don't remember. And after finding out how much you lie, I can't believe all of it anymore. I can't trust you. YOU DID THAT. No one else. And it sucks, but even behind all the lies, the Ka was still there. I could feel your actual hurt as my own, so those 5am talks we had, all those conversations, and the times that you were there for me, weather you were to blind to know that you were there for me and if you even realized it or not, I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and hanging around me sometimes. Thank you for sitting with me on the couch, while I cried because my soul hurt and the world didn't make sense. Thank you for showing me what a kind person and loving friend you actually really are, even if it is hidden under layers and layers of pain and guilt and self loathing. Thank you for letting me get to know a little bit of you, and thank you for making me smile when you know I didn't feel good. Thank you for making me laugh when things were getting too serious. Thank you for sharing your joy with me in my life. You don't know how many times you made me feel better just by being able to forget about all the worlds problems and sing in the car. Thank you for saying things without saying them, and showing me that you are so genuine and unique, there really isn't anyone like you in this world. You are super special, and you've literally saved my life the night you let me come into your room and sit there and watch the fishes. You don't know how much pain I was in. And you were there for me. You helped me not end my life that night. I only walked away with a couple scars. YOU HELPED ME. YOU did. Just by letting me in. We didn't talk. I couldn't. I was crying too much and my Ba and Ka were in absolute shambles. You didn't do anything except be in the right place at the right time, but your energy, as confused as it was at that time, helped me know that I wasn't the only one alone and suffering. And it was okay. and YOU had given me another reason to keep breathing. You'll never know how much you mean to me. Thank you for what you have helped me though.

I hope you can learn and know the Wisdom, not knowledge, that you can do anything you set your mind to, if you want to. I have proved to myself and to you, that you are the only one that is making your life miserable. I have done everything for you. And unless it is served to you on a silver platter, you reject it. You are the only one stopping your life progress. And you've convinced and lied to yourself so much about it that somehow you actually believe it is true.

I wish you could see through my eyes.

Even better, I wish you the courage and strength it takes to change you life and want to succeed better. Because you have all the tools. Shit, I gave you EVERYTHING. The only excuse is yourself. You are what is stopping you.

Life goes on. We never forget them. But we have to live our lives. They forced themselves to be a memory. Force yourself to live. Go live out your own story. Stop lying to yourself. Your a fricking great person! You lie, sure. You manipulate, sure. But I see you! That isn't who you want to be and the time in your life right now is merely a stepping stone for all the endless things that are out there. There are layers of things that you don't understand. I'm not trying to be mean, but trust me when I say there's a lot out there.

Maybe someday we will meet again when you turn into an adult. Because right now I see you as a boy. There is so much out there to look forward to. There are SO many fun things out there in different cultures. You have a journey ahead of you, and I just wished that I could have been part of it with you.

I forgive you. You really really hurt me. And it absolutely is your fault and no one else. But at the end of the day, its You who has to live with who you are. And you can CHANGE and Grow. I have all ready seen the person you are 20 years from now. And you wouldn't believe it if I told you. Rv's, dual citizenship, backpacked across the grand canyon, visited MT St. Helen, been to Yellowstone 3 times, had lots of fun there with friends. Married, divorced. Someone who is comfortable in his own skin. Someone who doesn't feel the need to impress everyone, and who is happy. Someone who has become comfortable in his own skin. Someone who doesn't get offended by what other people think.

In 20 years I see you happy. I see you deciding you're a product of your environment and you wanted to change because everything is not set in stone. Its just what you knew. Past tense.

You can learn from your mistakes.

Just because you've never won the lottery, doesn't mean its not possible. People are winning the lottery all the time. There is hope. Just because you have never felt comfortable in your own skin doesn't mean that its not possible. It just means that you can experience it, and LIVE it, and KNOW it, for the first time, and for the rest of your life.

In 20 years you have more money than you know what to do with, and you have your own place, and like 3.5 cars, 2 that run 2 that don't. Projects. You have goals. You have your own family. You have your own life. People look up to you. You smile more. Your mouth doesn't hurt anymore because you stopped saying, "It doesn't matter." Instead you say things like, "Its possible."

But you have to try. And you have to keep trying.

But first you have to stop with the drinking and stop with the drugs, because you're literally hurting yourself and everyone around you, and you are going to be the only reason that you end up alone and unhappy. The truth hurts. Just like when I found out how much you really did lie to me, after I really didn't deserve it. I did everything I could to help you. I spent hours doing paperwork for you to help you get free dental, researching schools for GEDS, looking at loan and credit repair options, screening background checks to help you find out if you were really hung up locked out of states and not allowed to come back. You're actually not banned from Florida or Texas. There are no warrants out for your arrest by the way, because you never actually did anything super terrible. Otherwise you would have been thrown in jail instead of told to get the hell out of dodge.

There are people out in this world that really do care about you, and really want to see the best for you. But you have to want the best for yourself. You just want to be happy. I don't know how high or drunk you were when we had that conversation, but you just want to be you again. You just want to be happy again.

You can be. You have to do it though. I can't hold your hand like a little boy and do it for you. I tried. YOU were the reason that it didn't work. I did my part. YOU were the one that let yourself down. Literally all you had to do was to sign it. And I see this pattern with you.

Really, lets go ahead and break this down.

You are the cause of your own unhappiness.

Others can literally do EVERYTHING for YOU, and you come up with some kind of excuse and you LIE to YOURSELF, of why it won't happen. You do this to yourself. You are what they call, "A product of self fulfilling prophecies."

That's because you make it happen.

Your success: YOU make it happen.

Your failures: YOU make it happen.

Its really up to you to decide who you want to be. Not the other way around. Really. I'm not joking. I'm being honest. I'm not lying.

You can do it.

But you have to want it.

And you don't have to be alone.

And as shitty as you have treated me, and as terrible as a human you've been to me, doesn't make it ok. That was a really really mean, unnecessary and childish thing you did, for the past year and a half. Manipulating me like you did.

It still hurts because I trusted you, and you shit on me. YOU did that. That was YOUR choice.

But its MY choice to give you a heads up and let you know what you've been wanting to know this whole time, You are the way to your future. If you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, I cannot stop you. If you want to be treated like a little boy, who lies, and who is mean for the rest of your life, I cannot stop you. You are the only one who can change you.

Your entire future and happiness is up to you.

Choose your attitude. Choose your future. Choose to be someone you can be proud of. For once, stop lying to yourself. Its stupid.