#i literally told him yesterday that i haven’t used since february

[esoteric-altruism]

and i thought last years birthday was bad

[fred-george-fic]

In the Middle Pt. 6

Cedric x Reader & George x Reader (Eventually)

A/N: I am so appreciative for all the positive responses and likes that I have been getting for this fic! So thank you, you all are the reason I keep writing!

Summary: It’s the Second Task plus a special moment with Cedric!

Pairing(s): Cedric x Reader & George x Reader (eventually)

Word Count: 1.9k

Masterlist: ~Part 1~Part 2~Part 3~Part 4~Part 5~

Warnings: None!

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The Second Task

On February 23rd, you are sitting with Cedric in the Courtyard, chatting with his friends from Hufflepuff about the task tomorrow. Cedric’s arm is lazily wrapped around your waist as you sit on a bench. Over the past few months, Cedric’s friends have grown quite fond of you. You can often be seen talking to them in classes or walking with them, even when Cedric isn’t around. As you’re sitting there, Hermione and Ron walk up to the group.

“Hey, Y/N?” Hermione says as they approach. “Mad-eye told us to find you because Professor McGonagall is looking for us.”

You nod your head and turn to Cedric. “I’ll see you tomorrow? I’ll be the one cheering so loud that even the creatures at the bottom of the lake can hear me.” You smile at him, kissing him quickly.

“I might need more of those before the task.” He grins, kissing you one last time before you walk away.

“See you all later!” You wave as you walk with Hermione and Ron to Professor McGonagall’s office.

“Ah, Welcome students.” She says as you walk in and motions to the three seats in front of her. “Please, take a seat.”

You all sit down and notice Professor Dumbledore is also standing in the room, watching you all. “Good evening. How would you three feel about participating in the second task?” He asks, scanning all three of your faces 

“How would we help?” Hermione questions.

“I am assuming both Harry and Cedric have discussed with you what they heard from the Golden Egg.” You all nod your heads as Dumbledore continues to speak. “The final line is ‘To recover what we took’, which is where you three come in.” 

“You want us to be the taken items?” You ask much quicker than you expected. 

“Yes. Each of you means something to the champions. We have already gotten permission from Fleur’s parents to use her sister as well.” Dumbledore continues to stare at each of you, awaiting your answer.

“Okay, I’ll do it.” You look up meeting Dumbledore’s eyes, as Hermione and Ron also agree.

“You will not be returning to your common rooms today. Nor will you get a chance to speak with the champions before the second ask tomorrow. I promise you will be safe and will awake once you come out of the water.” The last thing you see before falling asleep is a wave of Dumbledore’s wand.

-------

The Morning of the Second Task

Fred and George are walking through the crowd of people, shouting to take anyone’s bets.

“Step up mates, don’t be shy!” Fred begins.

“Three lads…” George continues.

“…One lady.”

“Four go down…”

“But will four come up?”

“Don’t be so mean.” Ginny says as she walks past the boys.

“Wait, Ginny. Have you seen Y/N?” George asks.

“Not since yesterday!” Ginny shouts as she continues walking to the docks. Eventually, George and Fred set up their betting booth on the docks. Cedric walks up to them.

“Ah, Diggory. What can we do for you?” Fred looks at Cedric. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready to get in the lake?”

“Have either of you seen Y/N?” He barley acknowledges the boys as he asks his question. 

“Wait. You haven’t seen her either?” George looks up puzzled, he thought you had already made your way to the docks with Cedric. “Harry hadn’t seen Hermione or Ron either.”

Suddenly, Cedric’s eyes get wide as he realizes what has been taken from him. He looks at the lake and sprints towards the end of the dock where Fleur and Victor are already waiting. Cedric eyes the lake, seeming like he could jump in at any moment. Meanwhile, George and Fred have also caught onto your location. George looks over at Fred with a knowing look, Cedric better pull this task off. Harry runs up, talking to Neville and lines up with the other champions.

“Welcome to the second task. Last night, something was stolen from each of our champions. A treasure of sorts. These four treasures, one for each champion, now lie at the bottom of the Black lake…” Dumbledore continues on giving his announcer speech. Cedric continues to look at the lake with determination as his Hufflepuff friends continue cheering him on. The cannon goes off and the champions jump in the water. 

-------

Your lungs immediately fill with air as you break the surface of the water. You can feel arms around you, and when you look back you see Cedric helping lead you to the bottom platform of the dock. On the platform you can see Fred and George, along with some Hufflepuff students waiting to pull you both up. George and Fred help you up onto the platform, while Cedric’s friends help him. You’re immediately wrapped in a towel and someone places a beanie on your head. When you look up, you notice Fred is wearing his, but George isn’t. “You alright, Y/N?” George asks.

“A little chilly.” You manage a smile while your teeth chatter and begin to head up to a higher platform.

“Only a little? Guess I can have my beanie back?” George laughs following behind you.

“Okay, you got me. I’m bloody freezing.” You reach the top of the ladder and hear a number of cheers around you as another person breaks the surface. You notice Hermione and Victor, followed by Ron and Fleur’s sister Gabrielle. Finally, Harry shoots out of the water and lands on the dock.

As the judges discuss, the placements of the champions you can feel someone putting another towel over your shoulders. When you look over, you notice Cedric offering you a wide smile. “Here, put this on too.” He says handing you his jersey. You slip it over your head and rewrap the towels around you, moving closer to Cedric, who wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head. 

“Attention!” You hear Dumbledore shout. “The winner is… Mr. Diggory! Who showed innate command of the bubble-head charm.” Cheers immediately erupt throughout the various platforms. You cheer loudly, wrapping your arms around Cedric’s neck who immediately pulls you in for a kiss. All the cheering faded away for a moment, until Dumbledore continued talking.

“However, seeing as Mr. Potter would have finished first, and rescued not only Mr. Weasley but the others as well, we have agreed to award him with second place.” You could hear George and Fred let out a loud cheer behind you and the Durmstrang boys begin complaining.

“Congrats Harry!” You yell towards him. He smiles at you and gives you a thumbs up, before continuing his conversation with Ron and Hermione.

Everyone began to shuffle out of the stadium, you followed next to Cedric and the rest of his Hufflepuff friends as you moved towards the boats. “You did great out there today, Mr. Diggory.” You laugh and give him a wink. 

“All because of you.” He puts his arm around you and pulls you closer to him. “The moment I realized that it was you in the lake, I knew I needed to get you out of there as quickly as possible.”

“Well, I am glad I can be of some service.” You smile at him and continue on your way back to Hogwarts.

-------

The Day Before the Final Task

On June 23rd, the day before the Final task, you were on your way to the Astronomy Tower to meet Cedric. Hannah had given you a note saying:

Y/N,

           Please meet me at the Astronomy Tower tonight at 9 PM. I want to see you before the final task.

           -Cedric

Since the Second Task, you two have practically been inseparable. Cedric managed to walk you to almost every class, you starting having lunches together, and more often than not, you two would stay out until you absolutely had to head back to the common room. This drove Fred and George mad, you made sure to reserve breakfast times for them but they would constantly bug you about it.

“We never spend any more time together, Y/N!” Fred would say as you went off to spend more time with Cedric.

“I’ll literally be staying at the Burrow with you all summer! I will barely get to see Cedric!” You would protest.

“Let her go, Freddie. She has other priorities now.” George would say coldly, usually walking away. He seemed to be taking it a bit harder than Fred, but you knew once summer hit, you would be spending all your time with the twins. Cedric lived close enough to the Weasley’s, but they were kind enough to let you stay there the last few summers. You weren’t going to impose by leaving the Burrow to spend time with Cedric all summer.

“I’m really sorry. But I promise we’ll spend time together once the school year is over!” You even offered to take them on a trip to Hogsmede last weekend with Cedric, but they declined saying they were busy.

As you reach the bottom of the Astronomy Tower and make your way up the steps, you see Cedric leaning over one of the railings. You walk up next to him. “Enjoying the stars?” You look around and notice how bright the sky is, filled with billions of stars. 

“Yeah, but I’m going to enjoy them a lot more now that you’re here.” He says looking over at you. He doesn’t give you his usual smile, just looks at you. 

“Are you okay?” You grab his hand, meeting his gaze. The light from the sky hit the side of Cedric’s face, causing his eye to glimmer slightly.

“Yes. I’m a little nervous about tomorrow.” He squeezes your hand in reassurance. This time he does give you one of his signature wide smiles. “Nothing to worry about. I’ll make it through.” 

“So, what made you ask me to come up here so late?” You ask, not pulling your eyes away from his.

“I wanted to give you this actually. I usually try not to pay attention to Rita’s gossip, but I saw someone reading it and noticed this.” Cedric pulls out a photo of the two of you from the second task. It shows the moment the two of you kissed once he was announced the winner. 

“Did you cut this out?” You stare at the photo with a wide smile. You really never considered how lovely you two look together.

He rubs the back of his neck and lets out a small grin. “Yeah. Once I saw it, I really wanted to give it to you.”

“I absolutely love it!” You plant a kiss on his lips and go back to looking at the photo.

“I love you.” The words come out of Cedric’s mouth before he actually realized what he was saying. His eyes go wide as you slowly break away from the photo and meet his eyes. 

“Did you just-?” You look at him in shock for a moment, taking in his words. His eyes soften then and he pulls you close to him.

“Yeah. I love you, Y/N. I’ve known for a while now; I just didn’t know when to say it.” He laughs lightly.

“I love you too, Cedric.” You smile and kiss him again, this time more passionately. He holds you close to him and smiles.

“I’m glad that’s all sorted.” He kisses the top of your head and keeps his arms wrapped around you, as the two of you watch the stars before headed back to your common rooms.

-------

Tag List:

@stardewsnail @imheadintothemountains @kastagir​ @lauramaythatdisneyfreak​

@alwaysasadaesthetic​

If you would like to be added/removed from the tag list, comment, ask or message me and let me know!

[s-and-n-writes]

another long day

crimson and bluebell: part two

summary:

Marinette Rossi is tired of everything: from Lila’s constant berating and Madame Rossi’s preferential care of her ‘angel-like’ daughter, to how everyone at school (even Alya) seems to believe her evil stepsister over her.

It’s like she’s Cinderella, except without the fairy godmother and the happy ending. She doesn’t even have a prince.

Or so she thinks.

Between the appearance of a new boy who seems to have captured her heart, and a gala run by her fashion idol Gabriel Agreste, Marinette hopes for an escape the constant ignorance, workload, and bullying she endures, and get a blissful life of her own.

With the help of one tiny god and a meow-velous partner, she might finally get a chance, but not everything is that simple.

They say ladybugs are lucky, so will being the elusive Ladybug bring Marinette the luck she oh-so-desperately needs?

quick links:

< previous chapter | first chapter | next chapter >

| miraculous masterlist | series masterlist |

a/n: so hi again, it’s me, n! im so so so sorry that i didn’t post for a long time, school caught up with me and everything’s getting v stressful these days. regardless, my new year’s resolution is to post more of these, and i’ll actively make an effort to do that hehe, in the meantime, enjoy!

also i’m appalled at the fact that this was 15 pages long and took more than a month to write how are you doing

Marinette had thought that the whole coffee spill, glass breaking fiasco would be relatively easy to clean.

She was wrong.

It takes her all of 10 minutes to clean up the glass, and another 20 minutes to try and clean up the coffee.

Key word: try.

Marinette ends up at school 30 minutes late, the coffee-stained carpet rolled off to the side at home, effectively ruined. She hasn’t even thought about the cracked glass table yet, which she hid by placing a tissue over top of it after Lila left.

Needless to say, all of this puts a little bit of a damper on her day.

As Marinette walks up the staircase of Francois Dupont, the school she goes to, she spots Alya Cesaire inside. Alya is Marinette’s closest friend, and despite having moved to Paris only a year ago, it feels like Marinette has known her for their entire lives.

“Girl, girl, girl…” Alya sighs as Marinette walks through the doors. It’s a free period, and students litter the area. Marinette spots Lila walking with one of her friends on the other side of the school, and luckily, Lila doesn’t see her.

There’s one good thing about school that Marinette adores: she doesn’t have to see Lila. Lila’s always had Madame Mendeleev for homeroom, and Marinette’s had Madame Bustier. Because of this, their schedules never interact, which allows Marinette to avoid Lila for the duration of the school day.

“I’m so sorry!” Marinette pleads, running up to Alya and shrugging her backpack off her shoulder. “There was a coffee spill, and glass broke, and-OH GOD I MISSED THE MATH TEST!!!”

“Marinette, chill,” Alya laughs. “The math test got rescheduled, but Ms.Bustier is pretty mad about you being late,”

Marinette sighs. “That’s a relief,”

“But you still missed a lot of news~,” Alya says, singing the last word.

Alya aspires to be a journalist, so on the occasions that Marinette wasn’t late, Alya would give her anything and everything interesting she’d dug up that week.

"I know, I know," Marinette sighs, fingers loosely picking at her shirt again. The seams stay intact, but Marinette's mind doesn't. The coffee spill and the glass breaking is constantly on her mind; she's not sure what to do. 

"Nice shirt, girl," Alya smiles, breaking Marinette away from her thoughts. Alya's good at that, and she notices when Marinette lets her mind wander, something that happens a little too often for her tastes. "Did you make it?" 

Marinette bursts into a grin. "Yes! I used that gorgeous thread that Sabine bought last week for my birthday, you know, the one I kept talking about, and it was absolutely amazing! I had to make this! What do you think? Do you like it?" 

The shirt is simple; a white base with flowers of varying sizes lining the edge. Marinette pairs it with her old, pink jeans (the fabric for the flowers on her shirt came from some leftover ones she had when making the jeans) and a dark-gray blazer that Lila used to own. 

"It's beautiful," Alya smiles, "But hey, I’m more excited for you-know-who’s reaction," 

Marinette rolls her eyes, hiding her face as an involuntary blush rises to her face. "Alya! You know I don't like him like that!," 

Alya grins. "Just teasing," 

“Well, anyways, tell me what I missed during lunch, I’m off to the classroom, before Ms. Bustier comes looking for me,” Marinette smiles, turning and running up the stairs. 

“Good luck, girl!” Alya says, waving goodbye and pulling out her phone. 

“Good luck, girl!” Alya says, waving goodbye and pulling out her phone.

The day passes quickly, and lunch comes sooner than Marinette expects.

She meets Alya outside of Francois Dupont, and they both head to Ville de Soirée, a cafe which isn’t nearly as expensive as the others in the area. They both order their usuals, and sit in one of the booths as they wait for their drinks.

Marinette sighs and leans back. “Ok, ok, tell me,”

Alya, who is most probably on the verge of exploding from her excitement, gears up. “Ok, so you know Nino, right?”

“You mean the boy you’ve been obsessing over since we met him?” Marinette teases. “Oh hey, I might have an inkling,”

Alya blushes, her cheeks tinting rouge. “Shut up,”

Marinette giggles. “Ok, go on,”

“Anyway, Nino texted me yesterday that his parents finally agreed, and he’ll be starting school starting Monday next week!”

“Ah! That’s so exciting! I’m so happy for you!” Marinette laughs. “Now you can actually make a move!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I’ll let you play matchmaker when the time comes,” Alya laughs, “there’s also something else, and this one I know you’ll be even happier about,”

The barista interrupts Alya, placing two steaming drinks in front of them. They both reach for their drinks, with Marinette holding the cup in her hand and Alya taking a sip. She grins.

“Nino’s friend, you know, Adrien Agreste, is also coming too,”

She pulls back, looking smug as she tries to read Marinette’s face.

The girl in question sighs, shaking her head. “Who even is Adrien, and why does everyone keep mentioning him to me?”

Alya facepalms, groaning.

“Girl, sometimes I swear you live under a rock,” Alya sighs, shaking her head. “How do you not know who Adrien Agreste is? His ads are literally everywhere!”

Marinette pouts. “Well maybe I just haven’t seen him,”

Alya rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Ohh no, there’s no way you’ve missed him ,”

She pulls up her phone and momentarily scrolls as Marinette waits.

“Here,” she says, “That’s him,”

The photo on Alya’s screen is from last February, Marinette recognizes. She remembers how Lila bought a copy of the magazine it came in, although she wasn’t allowed to see it.

But the boy is familiar. His face is similar to someone’s, but Marinette can’t pinpoint who it—

Oh.

Oh.

He’s Gabriel Agreste’s son.

Marinette leans back.

“That’s Monsieur Agreste’s son! I should’ve known, how could I have missed it when Madame Rossi told us about him?”

Alya squints her eyes. “Wait what?”

“There’s a fashion show that Adrien’s dad is hosting, and the embassy’s holding a huge event to greet all the fashion officials that are coming. Madame Rossi got us all passes to go,” Marinette says.

“That’s the one my mom’s cooking for! It’s next weekend right? She would not stop talking about it all weekend. I can try and score a pass, to you know, keep you company?”

Marinette gasps suddenly, burying her face in her hands, “Ah! I forgot! I won’t be able to go, since Li— I mean I, spilled coffee all over our new carpet,”

Alya raises an eyebrow.

“Fine, fine, I cracked some glass too,” Marinette sighs, face growing redder. “Madame Rossi’s gonna ground me for sure!”

Alya shakes her head. “Somehow I can believe it. You are the clumsiest person I know,”

She nods thoughtfully, fingers closing around the fox necklace on her neck. “Well I can’t deal with the whole glass situation, but maybe I can help with the coffee stuff? Happens to my mom all the time,”

Marinette perks up. “Really? Would you? Oh thank you Alya!”

Alya laughs. “No problem girl, I’ll come by after your shift at the bakery,”

Marinette pauses. After work would be...when Lila comes home.

Alya has always been a fan of Lila, but despite knowing Marinette, she’s only admired Marinette’s less-than-wonderful sister from afar. This means that so far, Marinette has managed to keep Alya and Lila separate.

Does she really want to risk that?

Weighing in the situation, she sighs. Would she rather have a shot at attending a potentially life-changing event, or safely escape Alya meeting Lila?

Knowing the both of them, Marinette remembers, they’d be a deadly combo.

But Marinette really wants to go to the event so, maybe this time, she might just give in.

“Great!” Marinette says, happiness laced with fear. “That’s...great!

Alya nods, smiling, watching as Marinette giggles.

“Now about setting you up with Nino…”

Alya turns away, blushing, “Marinette!”

Today

Lie-la 😒: sup loser

Lie-la 😒: im going to the mall with my friends after school

Lie-la 😒: if my mom comes in early

Lie-la 😒: you know what to say

Lie-la 😒: type, maribrat. use those lousy fingers.

You: yea, sure lila.

Lie-la 😒: good.

Marinette sighs and pockets her phone. For today, she is safe.

And that’s all she has ever wanted.

Marinette’s day ends with her feeling happier than when it began. Alya’s coming over to wash out the coffee stain, Lila won’t be there when she gets home, and she’s heading to her shift at the bakery!

It’s normal for work to not be exciting to most people, but for Marinette, it always is. Heading to the Dupain-Cheng bakery is always the highlight of her day, and working there is even better. The owners, Sabine and Tom, are like the parents she never had, what with them spoiling her with all the food they give and teaching her how to bake. Customers even tell Marinette all the time that she looks strikingly similar to Sabine, but she doesn’t see it.

In truth, she’s only ever even thought about becoming a designer because of the Dupain-Chengs, and if it weren’t for their motivation, she’s sure that she would be in a much different place right now.

But that’s not what Marinette worries about right now. Despite school ending early and the bakery being right across the street from where she is, she still manages to be late.

She exchanges a quick goodbye with Alya, who chuckles at her frazzled state, and dashes off towards work.

“I’m here!” she shouts, running into the bakery, the familiar jingle of the store’s door’s bell ringing in her ears. “Sorry!

Sabine laughs as she hands a box of pastries to a customer, waving as they leave. “Just on time. Hello Marinette,”  

Marinette winces as Sabine holds out her apron. “Sorry again, Sabine!”

Tom laughs from the kitchen behind the store, the sound booming through the bakery. “Marinette!”

“Tom!” Marinette says back, her lips curving into a smile.

Sabine eyes Marinette as she ties the apron behind her, quickly joining the older woman behind the counter.

“So?” she asks. “What’s new with you?”

Marinette sighs. “Not much, not much...oh! Madame Rossi has an embassy gathering to welcome a couple of famous people into France. And not just any people, people who work in the fashion industry!”

Sabine nods, smiling at Marinette’s delight. “And why exactly are these people coming?”

“It’s for the Gabriel event. I don’t know when it is, but apparently Gabriel Agreste is holding a huge gala, something about searching for a fashion assistant?,”

Sabine perks up at fashion assistant. “Marinette, you should enter!”

Marinette gasps. “I couldn’t! There’s no way! I mean, my designs are barely adequate, let alone Agreste worthy!”

Sabine shakes her head. “Everyone knows that isn’t true. Don’t put yourself down like that!”

Marinette blushes. “Thanks Sabine,”

The woman smiles. “Well, anyways, are you allowed to go to the embassy event? It’s a great opportunity, you wouldn’t want to miss it,”

“I mean, Madame Rossi did invite me and Lila, but Lila spilled a bunch of coffee on the carpet, and cracked the dining table this morning. It’s all a stunt, she did it on purpose. She’s blaming it on me, which means I’ll get grounded, and I won’t be able to go, and you know there’s nothing I can do about that,”

Sabine sighs, placing a hand on Marinette’s shoulder. “Oh dear. The next time I see Lila, I’ll tell Tom to get that girl and her mother arrested!”

Marinette laughs. “As much as I’d like that, where would I live?”

The rumble of the oven from behind the store dies down, and Tom walks into the main room. The room seems friendlier all at once, his large personality filling the space.

“Here, with us,” he declares proudly. “You’re like a daughter already,”

Marinette giggles, her cheeks growing red. “Alright guys, we’ll see,”

Sabine and Tom laugh as Marinette runs away to help a customer. Their afternoons with Marinette pass by quickly, and while they wish it was longer, you know what they say: time flies when you're having fun.

By the time Marinette gets off her shift, it’s 5:30 in the evening. Paris’s sky starts to fade from its normal cotton-candy blue to a marmalade orange. The hustle and bustle of the busy streets start to die down, and once she texts her address to Alya, Marinette makes her way to the bus stop.

While her time in the bakery is her favorite time of day, her time on the bus doesn’t prove to be too bad either. She likes the quiet silence, and enjoys her time away from the world around her.

The bus is probably her favorite mode of transportation (but her only one as well). When she volunteered to work at the bakery after school, Madame Rossi decided that ‘the streets were too dark at night for Marinette to walk alone’, and she was given a bus pass.

It was a small and random act of kindness that Marinette wouldn’t ever get again. It was also the only gift she ever got from her adopted mother, and despite not being too fond of Madame Rossi, she did treasure the gift.

Madame Rossi paid for her bus rides until Marinette was actually hired at the bakery. It was then that she decided to have Marinette pay her own bills, an action that most certainly helped Marinette for the future.

The sound of tires skidding against the pathway jolts Marinette out of her thoughts. She turns to see her normal bus waiting in front of her, and grabbing her bus pas, waits in line behind a couple others to get on.

That is, until she sees what’s about to happen.

Marinette watches as a man across the street tries to cross. He’s old, as his grayed hair and aged face tells, but his most identifiable quality is the red Hawaiian shirt he wears, embossed with a white hibiscus floral pattern.

Besides that, there’s also a car coming straight for him, and though it’s a little while away, there’s no doubt that he’ll get hit.

Marinette does the only thing she can think of. She runs.

The street is narrow, and Marinette manages to pull the man across the pathway before the car comes. She huffs, turning to the man to smile.

He has an odd look in his eyes, lips curved into a mysterious smile as Marinette quirks her eyebrow.

“Thank you, young lady,” he nods.

“You’re welcome!” she smiles, turning to look at the bus, which has started leaving. “Goodbye and stay safe, sir!”

The old man watches as Marinette just manages to catch the bus, stopping it and shouldering her backpack as she climbs on.

Marinette seats herself as the bus starts once more, and turns to her window to look for the old man.

But by the time she does, he’s gone.

Alya gets to Marinette's house at just the right time. When she reaches, Marinette has done a couple of her chores, cleaned up the living room, and put out the carpet in the first floor bathroom. Against the white rug, the coffee stain is obvious, and Marinette sighs as she inspects it.

How were they ever going to get it out?

There’s a knock at the front door, and Marinette knows it’s Alya. Smiling, the girl heads to the living room to open it.

Alya gasps as she sees the house. From the marble kitchen to the hickory-brown wood flooring, everything is pristine and clean, as if the Rossis live in a mansion.

(They don’t, but the house is still fairly big. Marinette sometimes has to clean it all as part of her chores, but luckily that hasn’t happened in a while.)

“Dang girl,” Alya sighs, “you rich or what?”

Marinette nervously laughs, cracking her knuckles. “Uh, I don’t know,”

“I’m joking,” Alya smiles. “But, random thing, where’s Lila?”

“She’s out. Doctor’s appointment for her, um, wrist,”

“Aw, that’s too bad. Tell her I said get better soon!”

Marinette sighs. She doesn’t like lying, but it’s far better than what would happen if she told the truth.

“Yea. Anyway, how are you getting the stain out? I tried all morning, but it was stuck,”

“Just watch me, girl,” Alya smirks. “Before we start though, you already blotted the stain,right?”

Marinette furrows her eyebrows. “Blotted? What do you mean?”

Alya demonstrates with her hands. “Like, did you take a paper towel and try to get as much of the stain out as you could?”

Marinette nods. “Yeah, that’s why I was late this morning,”

Alya nods. “Ok, so now we just have to make the cleaner,”

Marinette raises an eyebrow. “Make? This is getting a little crazy,”

“It’s really not,” Alya laughs, “I’ve done this a thousand times before. My sisters knock over my dad’s coffee way too much,”

Marinette laughs. “Alright then, show me what to do,”

Alya makes her way to the kitchen, filing through multiple cabinets. “Where’s your dish soap?”

“Bottom-left drawer next to the sink,” Marinette points.

“And your white vinegar?”

“Fridge. Anything else you need?”

“Just water,” Alya replies. “Warm, that is. And two cups of it,”

Marinette nods. “Got it,”

Alya takes out a steel bowl from one of the cabinets. “And can I use this?”

Marinette nods again. “Go ahead,”

“Great,” Alya says, pouring a spoon of dish soap followed by a spoon of vinegar. She waits for Marinette to get the water before adding that in as well, and then mixing. “That should do,”

“Work your magic then,” Marinette laughs.

“Just watch and see girl, I totally will,”

Alya finds a cleaning rag from a drawer in the island, and she runs over to the carpet. “Grab yourself a rag, Marinette, and let’s get started!”

Marinette laughs, and runs over to help. The time passes quickly, and by the time the coffee stain is gone and the carpet is dry, two hours have gone by. Their hands are sore and their legs are tired, but both can say that they had fun.

In the midst of it, Marinette almost doesn’t notice when Lila texts her.

Today

— 2 New Messages —

Lie-La 😒: open the back door

Lie-la 😒: im right by my house

Almost.

“Alya!” Marinette gasps, both sitting on the couch after the carpet was rolled back underneath the dining table. “It’s so late, don’t you have to go at 7?”

Alya tilts her head, confused. “No?”

“Oh well then I must have said it,” Marinette laughs nervously. “Yes that’s right! I’ve got work, haha. Bye!”

Marinette practically pushes Alya to the front door, while Alya looks lost and puzzled.

“Didn’t you already have work?” Alya asks.

“Yep, but gotta save up for uni right? Haha. Haha,”

Alya nods, squinting her eyes as she walks out the door.

“Um, bye? See you at school, girl,” Alya nods, quietly laughing.

“Bye!” Marinette smiles. Once Alya is farther away and out of sight, Marinette runs to open the back door. She can faintly hear the sounds of Lila’s friend’s car pulling into the driveway, so she dashes back upstairs as fast as she can. The last thing she wants to do is talk to Lila, much less be alone in a room with her.

She hopes that Lila won’t try anything while she’s in her room.

Sighing, she smiles when she stops at the attic door, and heads inside.

Before Madame Rossi found her and decided to take her in (how she came to that conclusion, Marinette would never know), the attic was all set to be Lila’s playroom. The entire room was painted pink from head to toe (even the carpet was a light shade of pink). There was a wooden wardrobe for all of Lila’s toys, and a desk with markers, painting supplies, and coloring pencils galore.

But then Marinette came along.

For one reason or another, she was given the attic as her own room. Out went the ideas of toys and tents in the room, and in came Marinette.

Madame Rossi didn’t give her anything. From the age of 2 till the age of 4, she slept on the ground, the lack of a bed present to her each night.

Until Lila outgrew her bed of course, which was then given to Marinette.

It was simple. Since Marinette was smaller than Lila, and slower at growing, she was often given Lila’s old things. All the clothes that Lila didn’t want, Marinette had. From her bed to the old beanbag in her room (one of the only things Lila gave her as decoration) everything was a hand me down from Lila herself.

Marinette sighs, and then flops into the bed. She’s lucky that Lila doesn’t bother if Marinette doesn’t get on her nerves.

Hopefully, until she can get out of this place, she’ll manage without angering Lila too much.

Standing up, Marinette locks herself in the attic, a faint click of the door behind her, and gets out her phone. Opening up Spotify, she starts her playlist, and goes over to the desk.

For the next hour, she does homework and finishes a project, all while sketching out designs for new dresses.

And hey, if she’s lucky, she might just be able to make one for the gala.

Marinette shuffles through her desk drawers, pop music playing through her earbuds. It’s nearly 8 PM and she’s searching for the special gold thread she had bought a couple weeks ago. It cost nearly a month's pay, and she’s been saving it for a special occasion.

With the dress she was sketching, she wanted to know if it was now.

She’s still searching through the drawers on the left side of the desk when she finds a box.

One that she feels might not have been there before.

(Then again, she rarely looks through all her drawers, so there’s always a chance that it could’ve been.)

Marinette feels confused. The box is made of a dark brown wood, and shaped like an octagon. The top of the box is embossed with a red design. Glimmering red circles meet wavy, thin lines, but Marinette is preoccupied with figuring out what the box is for.

In the end, she decides to open it. There can’t be much inside, can there?

Turns out, Marinette is wrong.

The moment she opens it is a frightful one. In that second, there’s a bright flash of light. It swirls around her as Marinette gasps, dropping the box onto the carpet as two solid-black earrings fall out.

That’s not the amazing part of it all though. After a second, Marinette comes face to face with a spotted red creature.

Needless to say, she screams.

“Hi Marinette!” the spotted creature says. “My name is Tikki! It’s nice to meet you!”

“Mouse!” Marinette hollers, “Bug! Bug-mouse! Talking bug mouse!”

Marinette scooches back, her hand grabbing books and papers off her desk as she throws them at Tikki.

“I’m here to help!” Tikki says, dodging the objects. “I’m here to help you!”

“Liar!” Marinette calls, searching for more things to throw. “This must be Lila’s version of a joke ! I can’t believe her!”

She takes her water-bottle from her backpack, and quickly moves to trap Tikki in it.

“It’s ok Marinette, I won’t hurt you,” Tikki smiles. “But if this makes you feel better, then this is ok!”

There’s a pause, and then Marinette sighs and chooses not to answer, leaning back, and quickly grabbing her school tablet off her desk. She points it at Tikki, trying her best to look intimidating.

“Who are you?” Marinette asks, “and what do you want?”

“Like I said, my name’s Tikki! I’m a kwami!” the tiny bug says, (still trapped in the bottle but floating in midair, Marinette notes) “And I want to help you!”

Marinette sighs, lowering her weapon tablet. “Did Lila send you somehow?”

Tikki furrows her forehead in place of her eyebrows. “No? Who’s Lila?”

Marinette bitterly chuckles, standing and throwing her arms into the air. “This. This. This is why you can’t help me. No one can. Anyone who meets Lila thinks she’s an ‘absolute angel’, and no one else knows her. How is someone supposed to help me if no one knows that my problem exists?!”

“Marinette,” Tikki sighs, “I promise you, I can help, if you’ll listen to me. Please let me explain, and then you can decide if you want to trust me or not, ok?”

Marinette pauses, considering the situation, and sits a fair distance away from Tikki, keeping her tablet in her hands.

“Ok,” she responds, facing the little bug. “But you have 5 minutes,”

Tikki smiles again. "And that's all I need,"

quick links: < previous chapter | first chapter | next chapter >

a/n: i resolve to post the next chapter soon lmaoo, thanks for reading! have an absolutely amazing day, you deserve it! 

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[lonelyreputation]

C’est Toi (coffee shop au) • CHAPTER FOURTEEN, wc: 8.2k

previous chapter | let’s chat | C’est Toi Index

Wednesday  - February 20, 2019 - 21:18

Shawn’s here. Like he’s in my dorm which is something I honestly didn’t think would happen. Since the first time I ordered coffee, I just imagined myself fawning over him from afar and watching my back account dwindle with how much I was spending on coffee as an excuse to see him.

But now I’m saving money on coffee, he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him, and he’s in my room.

WARNING: ALLUSION TO SMUT.

__

“I’m just saying––”

“I don’t think you should say anything.”

With open books and loose leaf paper scattered on top of the table, Ella and I were in a stare off. Her eyes were narrowed in on me and I gripped the pen between my fingers. For the last half hour, studying had been long forgotten on Ella’s end. She kept pestering me on what happened with Shawn and I after the soccer game on Sunday.

And I repeated the same sentence I told her not even five minutes ago.

“Nothing happened,” I dropped my pen and buried my face into my hands with a sigh, “We came here, helped Niall fix something with the espresso machine, and then just spent time together.”

With both palms flat on the table, Ella leaned forward and whispered, “Bullshit.” I leaned back on my chair, raising my eyebrows as I crossed my arms over my chest. She continued on, “He was literally about to leave without saying bye to you.”

Ella’s eyes softened as I broke eye contact with her and turned toward the door.

I slumped down in the chair, “He admitted he was jealous,” Ella’s eyes perked up at the information, “And he…I asked if we were okay and he said he didn’t know what––” I uncrossed my arms and lifted my fingers to put air quotes around the next word, “––‘we’ I was talking about.”

Ella’s eyes widened, “What?!”

I nodded my head slowly, “Yeah, it wasn’t––I tried to leave, he told me to stay, said he was jealous, admitted to liking me a lot, and then we ended up here; at Brightside…” My voice trailed off at the end.

Ella scrunched her eyebrows together, “That doesn’t make any sense––He says he doesn’t know about the ‘we’, but then says he ‘likes’ you?” Her eyes shifted from mine and glared over my shoulder, presumably at the person of topic, “He’s an idiot.”

I picked up my coffee to take a sip, but frowned when I was met with cool air instead of hot espresso. I set it down on the table and shrugged, “I don’t blame him.”

“Don’t you dare take the blame for him,” Ella shook her head, “He obviously knows there’s something between you two, so for him to say that––” Her glare at Shawn intensified for a second before looking sincerely into my eyes, “Want me to beat him up?”

I tipped my head back in laughter, “I don’t think that would work out in your favor.”

“Most likely not,” Ella shrugged nonchalantly, “But he’s dumb.”

I rolled my eyes and picked up my pen, hoping to get back to studying, but Ella closed her books and pushed them aside.

“You need to define your relationship with him.”

The pen I just picked up dropped and fell to the floor, “Define the––I don’t think I can be the one to bring that up––I still––Do you remember what happened when I asked for his name?”

Ella rolled her eyes, “But you know him now,” she exaggerated her next words, “it’s different.”

“I don’t think I could do it.”

Again, Ella leaned forward, “You have to––”

“What’re we gossiping about?”

Not expecting to hear Niall’s Irish accent, I jumped in my seat, with my elbow knocking into my empty coffee cup. It bounced a little as it fell to the ground, Niall bent down to pick it up, and then stole a chair from the empty table next to us, and then sat down next to me.

He rested his chin in the palm of his hands as he looked between Ella and I, “Hm?”

I shook my head and glared at Ella, “We were just getting back to studying––”

“I was saying how she needs to define her relationship with Shawn.”

“Ella!”

My mouth dropped as I whisper yelled at her. She just shrugged her shoulders and Niall held his stomach as he laughed. Once he calmed down and wiped a tear away from the corner of his eye, he scrunched his eyebrows together and looked at me.

“You’re basically his girlfriend.”

I shook my head and let out a sigh, “We haven’t talked––”

“That’s what I’m saying!” Ella cut me off once more with an eye roll.

I slumped further down in my chair, “But we’re not––”

“As he was leaving yesterday, I asked him where he was going, and he said––I quote,” He gave me a pointed stare with raised eyebrows, “Off to see my girlfriend.”

I blushed and looked down at my notes. I fiddled with my hands as Ella let out a loud ‘Ha’ as her way of saying I-Told-You-So.

Without acknowledging either of them, I went to flip a page in my textbook, “That doesn’t mean––”

Niall leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest, “Shawn calling you his girlfriend really pissed Lola off,” he smirked, Ella happily cackled, and my mouth dropped wide open, “She was in a mood for the rest of the shift.”

“We––”

“I’m telling you,” Ella reached across the table and closed my textbook, “You have nothing to worry about if you bring it up to him.”

I let out an annoyed breath and I ran a hand through my hair, “What is it with you two cutting me off today? You seem to be on the same wavelength.”

“Don’t change the subject,” Niall nudged my shoulder, “I know Shawn, and Ella knows you, so when you put us together…” he offered both Ella and I a blinding smile, “You get one wavelength about your relationship.”

I silently looked between them before letting out a dramatic sigh. With my eyes closed, I leaned my head back against the chair, “I wish it wasn’t this complicated.”

“It’s not.”

I peaked one eye open and glared at Niall for his response, “It’s not complicated to you,” I let out another sigh before running a hand through my hair, “But to me, it’s just…complicated.”

Ella took it as her turn to speak, “But why is it complicated?”

Yeah, I thought to myself, why is this complicated?

In theory, everything was fairly black and white; I liked Shawn and he liked me. We spent a considerable amount of time together, we both knew that the other wasn’t seeing anyone else, and I enjoy our silences just as much as the times he makes me laugh.

When he gently brushes the tips of his fingers against mine, before slowly slipping his hand into mine, it’s a feeling I never want to go away. The way he softly caresses my face, as he leans his forehead against mine, before he kisses me is another feeling I never want to go away. And the zip of electricity I feel down my spine when I hear him call out my name from behind the counter…His eyes soften, his shoulders relax, and he says my name with a little bit of relief.

It’s the same way I feel around him.

I never want that feeling to go away.

Nothing would make me happier than to call Shawn my boyfriend. But a real title meant a real relationship. And a real relationship came with commitment. And with commitment comes an extended amount of time you spend with a partner for the unforeseeable future.

Which is what made this whole situation so complicated in my eyes.

“My Visa,” I let my shoulders drop as I regretfully looked between the two people I’ve only known for about two months, but was already finding it difficult to picture my life without them, “I leave in June.”

The cheeky mood that hung around the air of discussing the possibility of a potential boyfriend quickly dissipated. It was as if they too also forgot I was only here for a few months, and not indefinitely.

Niall sucked in a harsh breath and Ella casted a look downard as she bit the inside of her cheek.

Niall drummed his fingers on the table, “He’s smitten,” Ella nodded her head in agreement, but knowing Shawn’s feelings toward me didn’t relieve the heaviness in the middle of my chest, “He…Just don’t think about that now.”

I whipped my head around to look at Niall with wide eyes, “Don’t think about it now?! How do I––That’s all I can think about.”

“Just be present in the moment,” Niall slowly nodded his head in reassurance that this was the best route to go, but his blue eyes were a bit more dull, as if he didn’t agree with his own advice, “Enjoy your time here.”

I shook my head, “I have a literal expiration date––”

“Maybe he’s right,” Ella’s voice was small, and I turned my head to look at her with the same wild look I had given Niall, “Just go for it. Don’t think.”

After a few beats of silence I let out a single laugh of disbelief, “You’re agreeing with him?” Ella’s only response was a small shrug of her shoulders. “Him––Niall? You’re agreeing that I pretend like I’m not setting myself up for failure?”

They both stayed silent. Because while they both wanted to see their respective friends happy…They couldn’t deny that this outcome would be earth shattering devastating for both Shawn and I if things were to progress further.

I shook my head, “I don’t think I can––”

“Don’t think you can what?”

Hearing another voice I wasn’t expecting––except this voice was Canadian––I felt myself jump more in my chair, a feeling of panic flooding every inch of my body.

How long had he been behind us?

But when I slowly turned around, the tension I felt in my joints melted away when I saw Shawn’s disheveled hair and a yellow cup with steam coming out from the top in his hands.

I offered him a lie that was as easy as the smile on my face, “Write this paper.”

Shawn rolled his eyes and, like Niall had done earlier, he stole a chair from the empty table and brought it around next to me. But unlike Niall, Shawn had set the chair down almost right up against my chair so we could sit as close as we could together.

“I saw your empty cup fall to the floor,” Shawn pushed the yellow cup of coffee in front of me, “So I brought you a new one.”

Even if I tried, I couldn’t hide the smile that overtook my face.

“Thanks,” I whispered as I wrapped my hands around the cup, and looked into it. I stifled out a laugh and looked up at Shawn, “That’s a nice flower.”

Shawn smiled triumphantly and nodded his head, “I’ve been practicing––”

Ella leaned over the table to look at the latte art herself. Her eyebrows were scrunched together as she picked her head up from the latte to look at Shawn, looked down into the cup again, and then back up at Shawn, “It looks like a cobweb.”

Niall barked out a loud laugh as Shawn’s cheeks turned red.

I glared at her, “Of course you wouldn’t know what a flower looks like––”

Ella’s eyebrows shot up as her soft accent rose in pitch, “I wouldn’t!” She pointed an accusatory finger at Shawn, “Because he only makes latte art for you.”

I was in the middle of taking a sip of the latte Shawn made for me when Ella hastily spoke. I set the yellow cup down on the table and shut my eyes as I coughed into my elbow. Once I felt like hot espresso wasn’t going to come up my throat, I wiped the wetness from the corner of my eyes and looked at Shawn.

He immediately looked away from me with cheeks even more red than before.

I glared at Ella. But she just raised her eyebrows in an I-Told-You-So manner as she leaned back in her chair. She was about to say something, but then the bell above the door rang, and all of our heads whipped around to see who had walked in.

It was a small group of university students with slightly hunched over backs from carrying their books and a look of strong desire for anything caffeine in their eyes. I didn’t miss the small sigh that passed through Shawn’s lips.

And it seemed as if Niall didn’t miss it either because he stood up and greeted the students with a––I’ll be with you guys in a sec––as he returned the chair to its rightful table. He clapped Shawn on his shoulder and said, “Take a little break.”

Shawn didn’t have to be told twice before he let his whole body slump forward on the table; head buried in his elbows. Instinctively, I brought my hand up and grazed the tips of my fingernails up and down his back. I felt him release a deep breath.

“Long day?”

Keeping his face hidden away, he nodded his head.

I looked down at him, and even though he couldn’t see me, I offered him a sympathetic smile. With his head tucked away, I didn’t know if he felt like talking, so I just kept lazily running my fingers up and down his back. I was about to pull a textbook toward me to read, but then I caught Ella’s stare.

She wasn’t either looking directly at me or at Shawn; she was more so looking at my hand comforting Shawn. The movement came naturally to me––I just wanted to make him feel better––it would make me feel better to see him at least a little bit relaxed. But the look in Ella’s eyes wasn’t her usual lovey-dovey know it all look she usually gave Shawn and I.

She looked somber.

Ella was the first person who I told every little detail about Shawn to. She was the first to know about my little crush on him, she was the first to know when I found out his name, the first person I told every little interaction––no matter how big or small––I had with Shawn, and she was the person I celebrated with when Shawn asked me out on our first date.

And there was no belittling Ella’s attempts at playing matchmaker either.

Ella had seen the very first encounter I had with Shawn, and she would most definitely be here to see my last encounter with him. I could see her brain churning out thoughts, debating with herself if she still thought it was a good idea to pretend like I didn’t have to legally leave the country in four months.

I continued to softly run my hand up and down Shawn’s back, but my movements had definitely slowed down a bit. I continued to look at Ella, who hadn’t caught onto my staring, as I saw her frown morph into a small bittersweet smile.

And for the first time since coming into Brightside today, Ella willingly opened up a textbook and started taking notes.

It was nearing closing time, the gray misty sky was now pitch black with street lights dotting the sidewalk, as Shawn and I were the only ones in Brightside.

Ella had silently left hours ago, claiming she had to practice a monologue in front of her mirror. And just like every time Niall’s shift was over, he clocked out right on the dot and ran out the door. Shawn ended up sitting at the table with Ella and I for close to forty minutes with his head tucked away. From the way his breathing evened out, I knew he had used the time to take a little nap.

It was only Wednesday, but I was sure Shawn had already worked a full work week already.

On Sunday, he worked the opening shift, came in to help Niall with the espresso machine after soccer, and worked up until an hour before close. Monday, he worked from opening to close. Tuesday––Yesterday––He worked the opening shift once again, and when we were at his flat watching a movie, he had to work until close because someone had called out sick.

And Wednesday––Today––Shawn had worked another opening to closing shift. And he was due to open the store again tomorrow.

Needless to say Shawn was exhausted and it was clearly catching up to him with the few times he messed up behind the counter.

Brightside hadn’t seen a customer in well over an hour, and Shawn did everything he could to complete his closing procedures early so he could leave right when the clock hit eight. I abandoned my school work a few hours ago in order to help Shawn with his closing procedures, in hopes it would help him clock out right when the store closed.

I climbed up and down the stairs multiple times to bring up stacks of cups wrapped in plastic, various sizes of black lids, napkins, and anything else Shawn rattled off to me. I helped with the easy tasks, but if there was something more specific, I would stand behind the counter for Shawn as he fetched whatever he needed.

There were only a few times when customers would waltz in, and were put off by my American accent, when I told them that the actual employee would help them shortly.

But that was nearly an hour ago, and now I was finishing off washing the last table on the main floor. There was only twenty minutes left until Brightside officially closed. And Shawn took it in his liberty to make it look like the store was already closed from an outsider's perspective.

“Is it really necessary to have all the lights off except the one above you?”

Shawn held a finger up to me, silently letting me know he’d answer my question the moment he was done counting out his drawer. I playfully rolled my eyes as I walked behind the counter to put the sanitation spray bottle in its spot under the sink. As Shawn was still busy double checking his count, I lifted myself up to sit on the counter.

And right as I fully sat down, with his back to me, Shawn said, “That’s unsanitary.”

I let out a soft laugh, “I’ll wash it again.”

The register made a noise as it printed out a slip of paper and Shawn ripped it off, scanning it over once, before turning his head around to face me with a soft smile, “You better.”

He collected the stack of money, deposited the coins in a yellow cup, and walked to where I was sitting on the counter. When he was right in front of me, he rested a hand on my knee and opened up my legs with enough room for him to stand between them.

“To answer your question,” his voice was mesmerizing, but I could only focus on his hand that was still on me, now tracing circles along my kneecap, “If the store looks empty and dark then people won’t bother coming in. And we,” he squeezed my knee which caused a smile to light up my face, “can leave early.”

I tilted my head, “Aren’t you afraid of getting in trouble?”

Shawn let out a tsk, “Not when I’m the manager.”

“Touché.”

He let out a small laugh and looked down at his hand on my knee. A soft closed lipped smile toyed at the corners of his mouth, but when he looked back up at me, I could see just how exhausted he really was. He kept having to repeatedly blink his eyes to keep them from drooping, his skin looked a little pale, the bags under his eyes were a tad more prominent, and his hair was falling a little flat.

I offered him a small smile in return and brought my hand up to run through his hair. His eyes closed and a content sigh softly passed through his lips.

“I just have to do my drop and then we can leave.”

With one last scratch to his scalp, I let my hand fall and his eyes opened, “Sounds good to me.”

He smiled again, “Be right back.”

In one swift motion, he kissed my cheek and retreated from my legs. I watched him as he took long strides toward the steps and walked down. With a smile still on my face, I hopped down from the counter, and kept to my promise of grabbing the sanitizing spray to wipe off where I had just sat.

Right when I threw the damp napkin into the empty trash bin, I heard Shawn’s footsteps, and soon I saw his mop of curls as he continued to climb the stairs. Once he was fully on the main floor, I could tell that he looked more relaxed bundled up in his soft pink hoodie and jacket, backpack over his shoulders.

“Ready?”

I nodded my head with a smile and went over to the table where I had set up shop since arriving a little before the lunch hour. Once my jacket was on and zipped up, I slung my tote bag over my shoulder and smiled at him, “Ready.”

At my response, Shawn took a few long strides over to me, grabbed my hand, and we left out the front door. We both shivered when a particularly cold gust of wind hit us, and I felt even colder when Shawn dropped my hand in order to lock the door.

Once he double checked the door was locked from the outside, he stuffed the key back in his backpack and picked up my hand, already leading us in the direction of the Temple Underground.

After a few steps of silence, Shawn spoke up, “You didn’t have to stay.”

“I wanted to,” I squeezed his hand, “I got to spend more time with you. That’s always a bonus.”

I could see Shawn’s breathy chuckle through the cold London night air. He turned his head to look down at me, “I really appreciate you.”

Breaking eye contact with him, I looked down at our feet that were in perfect sync with each other. I bit the inside of my cheek to suppress my smile, but I could feel my face redden with blush. Shawn bumped his shoulder against mine which caused me to look up at him.

“Aw c’mon, don’t hide your smile.”

And this time I didn’t.

I let the butterflies in my stomach consume me as I felt them travel everywhere from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair. I let the smile overtake my face, showing all of my teeth, with my eyes crinkling at the corners. There was an overwhelming burst of zeal in the center of my chest that I felt course through my veins as I saw him smile down at me the same way I was smiling at him.

For once, my face hurt from my smile reaching its full potential, not from the cold London wind. And when I looked deeper into Shawn’s eyes––even though they were only lit by the dim street lamps––they shined with the same elation I knew was present in my eyes. The moment I knew Shawn felt the same burst of energy in his chest was when I screwed my eyes shut, to exaggerate my smile for him, and his laughter boomed through the empty streets of London.

The feeling was happiness.

I matched his laughter, albeit a little softer, and squeezed his hand, “You’re too nice to me.”

Again, Shawn bumped his shoulder against mine, “If it makes you smile it’s worth it.”

As much as I wanted to shield my smile away from him again, I didn’t.

The rest of our walk to the Underground station was spent in silence. The only noise on our walk came from me, when Shawn dropped my hand and threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close into his side. The sound was a content sigh escaping my lips when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

When the Underground station came into view, I momentarily shut my eyes and nuzzled my head further into his warm sweatshirt. I felt Shawn’s chest slightly rumble with a chuckle as he hugged me closer. And when we came up to the entrance, neither Shawn nor I pulled away from each other.

I shifted my body from being tucked away in his side to his front and circled my arms around his waist in a hug. Shawn let out a deep exhale as he hugged me back and traced small incoherent patterns across my back.

“I don’t wanna get up in the morning,” he groaned. I nodded against his chest and he continued grumbling, “I feel dead.”

“You look dead too.”

Shawn lifted his head up and poked my side, “Where’s the reciprocation for my niceness towards you?”

I let out a small laugh, “Just being honest.”

He pinched my waist and I wiggled out of his hold with a laugh. I opened my mouth to offer a rebuttal on how him pinching me wasn’t very nice, but then an idea struck my mind. While his flat was only about a twenty minute ride on the tube…I could get to my dormitory in fifteen minutes or less. It was only a five minute difference…The possibility of asking Shawn if he wanted to stay the night in my room made sense if it gave him some extra time to sleep in. But I didn’t know if it would make Shawn uncomfortable, or if it was too soon in whatever our relationship was.

“Are you planning on stopping by tomorrow––”

“I have a question.”

I felt my eyes double in size as the words slipped out of my mouth before my mind could comprehend what conversation I was initiating. Instead of being put off by my bluntness, Shawn’s eyes shined with curiosity as he nodded his head at me to continue.

I let out a deep breath as I felt a ball of tension form in the middle of my chest, “I know…Traveling back to your place takes a bit of time––And if you wanted––Not that you have to or anything––But I know my place is close, and you’ve had a long week,” Shawn’s eyes twinkled with amusement at my rambling and I took a deep breath, closing my eye for a second, before getting the question out, “You could stay the night at mine, if you want?”

My voice cracked with uncertainty at the end.

Silence.

With one eye squinted, I slightly leaned back from Shawn and inhaled a sharp breath. But before I could backtrack my offer in a ramble, Shawn eagerly nodded his head.

“Yeah, I could––That sounds––Yeah,” he easily smiled at me, “That sounds nice.”

“Great.”

We stood there for a moment in silence before Shawn tugged my hand, “Lead the way, I’m sleepy.”

I nodded with a bright smile and led the way into the Underground station and to my designated platform. We waited for the train in silence, and I could feel Shawn leaning more into my body as he tried to fight off his sleep. Luckily we didn’t have to wait too long until the train approached and we hastily stepped inside.

Much like our night before, the whole tube ride back to Waterloo was spent in silence, with only Shawn’s soft breathing reminding he was next to me as his head was tucked away on my shoulder.

When we got to our desired destination, Shawn was still a bit delusional from having fallen asleep for a little, but when he noticed we were almost at my place, he walked with a little more purpose. I tapped my Oyster card as Shawn tapped his phone to exit the Underground station at different turnstyles, but when we were both out, our hands reconnected like a magnet.

I scanned into the residence hall and led Shawn to the elevator. He seemed to be taking in his surroundings, but with how fast he was blinking, I was sure he was just trying to keep himself awake. Thankfully, the lift dinged right when I pressed the up button and we quickly stepped inside as I pressed my floor number.

The ride up seemed to take no time at all, and before I knew it, I was fumbling with my keys to unlock my door with Shawn standing close behind me. Once I heard the desired click and was able to push the handle down, I stepped inside and flicked the lights on.

Shawn followed my steps and he took his time examining my room more than he did with the lobby. With a small smile on his face, he slipped his hands into the front pockets of his sweatshirt, “So this is where you spend your time when you’re not at Brightside.”

I scoffed, “I don’t spend all of my time there.”

He raised his eyebrows and teased me even more, “Are you sure? You were there for most of the day today.”

I turned my back to him as I placed my bag down on the desk chair, “What were you saying about always wanting to be nice to me?”

Shawn let out a chuckle as he turned around to close the door and locked it. He shrugged his shoulders, “This is just teasing. I’m still being nice.”

“Mhm,” I hummed with a slow smile creeping up on my face as Shawn walked toward me and picked up my hands.

We were standing incredibly close, the tips of our shoes touching, as he played with my fingers and looked at a few scattered pictures along the wall next to my bed, “It’s a cute room.”

I rolled my eyes, “Thanks.” I tried to ignore the nervousness I felt in my stomach, “There’s uh, you can shower if you want.”

Shawn smiled in appreciation, “That sounds nice.”

I nodded my head and looked anywhere in the room that wasn’t his eyes. While his eyes were arguably my favorite thing about him, I felt incredibly apprehensive under his gaze now. While we’ve been alone together at his place, something about Shawn being in my room and staying the night seemed a bit more intimate.

I cleared my throat, “I think I have clothes that’ll fit you? I can check––”

His hands squeezed around mine for a second, which caused me to look up at him. His eyebrows were pulled together and I noticed his jaw was more tense than before, “You have boy's clothes in your drawers?”

I nonchalantly shrugged my shoulders, “Yeah, I stole some from my brother before I left. Figured it would help with homesickness,” I tilted my head as I looked up at him, “You guys look to be the same size.”

Something in Shawn’s eyes visibly relaxed as he let out a deep breath, “Oh that’s––I forgot you had a brother. That makes sense.”

Thoughts of Shawn’s lingering jealousy over Jack swirled around my mind at how tense he was acting. So like he did with mine moments ago, I squeezed his hands in reassurance, “You have nothing to worry about.”

I leaned up on my tip toes and kissed his cheek.

A faint tinge of red spread across his cheeks and I smiled at his bashful reaction.

“There are towels in the bathroom you can use,” I dropped his hands and pushed him toward the small bathroom that was luckily inside my single room, “The sooner you shower, the sooner we can sleep. You also smell.”

Shawn stumbled backwards, “Hey!” As he turned his head around his shoulder to playfully glare at me, “That’s not very nice.”

I rolled my eyes, “Shower.”

He was still somewhat laughing as he retreated into the bathroom. And soon enough, the door was shut and I heard the water running. With a sigh I walked to sit on my bed and pulled out my journal from the drawer in my nightstand. I tried my best to write in it daily, and right now was the only free time I had between classes and spending all day at Brightside with Shawn.

So before I would be interrupted by Shawn finishing his shower, I picked up a black pen and flipped to a fresh page. Like always, I checked the date on my phone and wrote it on the line––Wednesday, February 20, 2019––and checked the time to write that too; 21:18.

When I had all the details I needed, I started to hastily write in cursive so I could get a quick entry in.

Shawn’s here. Like he’s in my dorm which is something I honestly didn’t think would happen. Since the first time I ordered coffee, I just imagined myself fawning over him from afar and watching my back account dwindle with how much I was spending on coffee as an excuse to see him.

But now I’m saving money on coffee, he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him, and he’s in my room.

I still can’t believe he’s here. I still can’t believe I asked him to come over. Still patting myself on the back for that…Even if I did ramble on like a little bit of a mad person. But thankfully Shawn seemed to be more enamored by it than put off.

There’s just something about his presence that makes me feel calm. Something I haven’t felt with any past boyfriends––Or really anyone in general. I could be having the most stressful day, but if I were to see him, I could think about how in that moment my life felt just a little better. I didn’t have to be with him at all times during the day either to feel like that. I could see his smile flash through my mind if I was having a particularly hard day and feel content.

But all of these feelings make me more nervous about when I have to leave––

“McLane?”

I slammed my journal shut and threw it aside as I heard Shawn’s voice bring me out of my own head. I quickly lifted my head to see what he needed, but when I was met with a dripping wet Shawn in a towel, absolutely everything in my mind disappeared.

He had the towel wrapped around his hips, and I tried not to make it obvious that I was staring at him, but from the way I felt my voice get caught in my throat, I knew I failed. Just standing in a towel, I could see his slightly defined muscles and tattoos that had been partially covered by his shirt. His chest still had some water droplets that the lights were reflecting off of, and his curls were matted down on his forehead.

I gulped.

“I––Um––Yeah?”

Shawn smirked at the crack in my voice.

“Do you have your brother’s clothes by chance?”

My eyes widened in realization that I never handed them over to him and I scurried off my bed. I knew my whole face was flaming red, especially when one of my legs got caught up in a bed sheet and I almost face planted on the ground. But I quickly recovered and avoided all eye contact with Shawn.

I opened and rummaged through three drawers before I found where I had my brother’s sweatpants and sweatshirt. Pulling them out, I walked over to Shawn with my head down and held them out for him to take.

When I felt him brush his hands against mine as he took the clothes, I looked up at him to see that he still had the same prideful smirk on his face.

Taking advantage that I was actually looking at him, Shawn dipped his head down and pressed a quick kiss to my lips that left my forehead wet from his curls.

He pulled away slightly and whispered, “Be right back,” against my lips. And just as fast as the kiss was, Shawn spun around and went to change in the bathroom.

I took a deep breath before going back over to my drawers and picking out a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt to sleep in. Soon enough Shawn was out of the bathroom, wearing my brother’s clothes, and before he could get a quip out, I scooted past him and made my way into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

And to get my flustered thoughts together.

While I changed and brushed my teeth, I tried to calm myself down. There was no reason why I should be this nervous about sleeping in the same bed as Shawn. We’d spent enough time alone together that I was comfortable with him. And it wasn’t like this was my first time sleeping in a bed with someone I had feelings for.

But the nagging voice in the back of my head told me this was different.

My feelings for Shawn were different.

With a deep breath and a semi-clear head, I twisted the bathroom door knob and stepped into my room. I saw Shawn sitting on my bed, back pressed against the wall my bed was up against as he looked intently at the pictures tacked up.

When he heard me walk over, he turned his head with a smile, “You look nothing like your brother.”

I let out a quiet laugh and sat next to him on the bed. He was looking at a picture of William and I sitting on a boat that was taken last summer. William had an arm thrown around me while my head was leaning on his shoulder, as the wind blew my brunette hair in front of my face, and William had a hand on top of his blonde hair to keep it from blowing around.  

“Throws everyone off when they find out we’re twins.”

Shawn let out a small laugh as his fingers traced over a different picture, “Who’re they?”

I smiled at the memory as I leaned my head on Shawn’s shoulder, “My highschool friends. That was our prom.”

Shawn hummed in acknowledgement and rested a hand on my thigh, “You look pretty in your dress.”

“Thanks,” I whispered.

His fingers started to lazily trace circles on my thigh, “Do you still talk to them?”

I nodded against his shoulder with a faint smile, “We FaceTimed last week. It gets a bit hard with the time difference, but they’ve been my friends for like…ever,” I looked up at him through my lashes to see a slight frown on his face, “So it’s worth it.”

“Do you miss them?”

“Yeah,” his fingers stopped their movements on my skin, “But we all go to different universities, so being away from them is nothing new.”

Shawn nodded his head slowly, a slight frown still present on his face. His fingers slowly went back to tracing shapes on my leg, but I could sense that his mind was somewhere else. He kept a low-spirited gaze trained on my senior year prom picture, as we sat in silence and I wondered about what was troubling his mind.

My wall was only of pictures from home, only happy memories that I knew would keep me company abroad. So while I stared at them with a fond smile, Shawn stared at them with the opposite facial expression, and then something in my head clicked as to why he seemed upset.

It was my life before him.

And it would be the life I returned to after I leave London; after I leave him.

I soon felt my smile tugging down into a small frown that matched Shawn’s.

Ella and Niall’s words of ill fate wisdom popped up in my head––Just go for it…Don’t think about it…Be present in the moment––And I half-listened to them. Be present in the moment. That’s all Shawn and I could do.

“We’ll take lots of pictures and I’ll hang them up here,” I whispered into the crook of his neck, hoping he would take it as a promise that I wasn’t planning on leaving him any time soon.

I felt his hand inch ever so slightly up my thigh, as he tore his solemn gaze away from the pictures and looked down at me in an adoring way, “I like the sound of that.”

His eyes flickered down to my lips, as if he could also feel the strong pull between us. He darted his tongue out to wet his lips as I picked my head up from his shoulder. He took his hand that wasn’t on my thigh, and slowly lifted it up to reach under my hair and cup the back of my neck. With his forehead resting against mine, we stared at each other for a few seconds before I couldn’t wait any longer.

I leaned forward and caught his lips in a kiss.

Without hesitation, Shawn kissed me back slowly. The kisses were innocent as I let my hands wander to his chest and clutch the fabric of the sweatshirt he was wearing between my fists. With my hands pulling him closer, Shawn’s hand that was on my thigh continued to creep up until he slid it under my t-shirt, and ran his hand down my bare back.

He glided his palm and tips of his fingers down the expanse of my back. I shivered as he delicately touched every ridge of my spine, every bone, and every curve. He pressed his palm flat on my back, pushing me toward him as the tip of his tongue peeked out in a quick stripe across my lower lip.

An involuntary whimper left my lips as Shawn continued to press his lips against mine.

“Lay down,” he managed to rush out in between his kisses.

I was barely able to nod my head in agreement before Shawn pressed his lips back against mine and started to slowly lower me down. When the back of my head landed on the pillows, Shawn slid his hand from my back to rest on my hip. As he laid me down, he didn’t once break the kiss, and I craned my neck up to meet his lips that were hot with anticipation and need.

There was a brief moment of hesitation where we shifted our legs to intertwine and he slid his knee between my legs.

I unclenched my hands from the sweatshirt and slowly ran them up his chest, over his neck, and tangled my fingers in his hair.

While just moments ago Shawn dismally looked at my past through photographs, he touched me as if he didn’t give a damn about anything except a future together. It terrified me a bit how strong my feelings were for Shawn; I didn’t even know he existed at the beginning of the year, but now, I didn’t want to go any longer without his presence in my life.

Just be present in the moment.

It was a piece of advice that was easier said than done. Easy for two people looking in on their friends and wanting them to achieve happiness. Easy when a person wanted to forget about reality and fall into the fantasy of having their ideal life. Easy for people who lived in the same country.

And I knew Shawn was having these exact thoughts; every kiss was deepened with a fiery passion and the trail of his fingertips on my body would leave a lasting burn.

It was a silent agreement that we both wanted nothing more than to be present in our moments together.

Overcome with emotion, I had to break away.

As I tilted my head out of the kiss, Shawn didn’t lift his head up as he nuzzled his head into my neck and deposited a few kisses. He nipped at the skin as I sucked in a deep breath when he hit a particularly sweet spot right above my collarbone.

Slowly, he kissed his way up my throat until he got to the corner of my mouth, and placed another sweet kiss. He gasped for air as he leaned his forehead against mine, with his eyes still closed. I still had one hand in his hair and my other hand cupped his jaw as my thumb moved in soft circles on his cheek.

Eyes still shut tight, he gulped as if he was revealing his biggest fear.

“I really like you, McLane.”

His voice was convincing, but the smallest waver behind his tone wasn’t lost on me.

I ran a hand through the front of his damp curls, and when he finally met my stare, I offered him the softest of smiles. I leaned up to press a quick kiss to his lips,  “I really like you too.”

Shawn let out the faintest of laughs, returning my smile, as he brushed a piece of hair out of my face and tucked it behind ear. He leaned down and mumbled, “Good,” against my lips as we both smiled into our next kiss.

Both of our hands wandered a bit more freely and with a bit more certainty. Like how my hands were first clutched around the sweatshirt Shawn was wearing, they found their place there again, except this time they were clutching at the hem of the material. I wasn’t sure what Shawn was thinking, and my hands were definitely more timid than they were before, but after a few moments of indecisiveness, Shawn broke our kiss and reached behind him to pull the sweatshirt off over his head.

Unlike when I saw him shirtless in a towel, I didn’t have much time to stare at Shawn’s chest above mine before he dipped his head back to reattach his lips to mine. Carefully, I let one of my hands trail down his chest. My fingertips ghosted over his skin when I felt his stomach muscles contract. I went to remove my hand, but Shawn shook his head against mine.

“Hands are cold,” he murmured between kisses, one of his hands fiddling with the hem of my shirt, gradually pushing it up against my stomach, as his warm hand laid flat on my stomach, “‘S fine.”

I let out a giggle and nodded my head against his.

“Are you okay with this?” He momentarily broke our kiss to lean his forehead against mine, eyes fully opened and staring deep into mine.

With a hand gripping onto his shoulder, I caught my breath before answering with a swift, “Yeah.”

The corners of Shawn’s eyes crinkled with a smile as we were both on the same page with each other. We moved in sync as I slightly leaned up with Shawn so he could remove my shirt, leaving my upper half bare.

We fell back onto the mattress togher, chests pressed flat, latched in an openmouthed kiss. Before coming over to my dorm, Shawn was half asleep on the tube, but now it seemed as if he was wide awake and didn’t have to be back at work in less than ten hours. I felt jitters in my nerves and blood running hot through my veins.

Shawn gently ran his hands over every bit of my skin he could reach; his fingers skimmed my neck, over my collarbone, caressed down my sides, until his hand rested on the waistband of my shorts. His fingers stayed immobile for a few moments before he shallowly dipped his thumb just under the elastic.

He slowed down the pace of our kiss until they were just pecks as I held my breath.

“Are you still okay with this?”

When I opened my eyes, he was already intently staring down at me with attentive eyes silently saying he would stop if I wanted. But I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted to live in our moment.

I swallowed, “Yeah––I––Still good. Really good.”

Shawn chuckled at my short phrases and pressed a searing kiss to my lips, the same time his hand dipped into my shorts. I thought I knew what it was like to have my breath stolen away from me, but the moment Shawn’s fingers slipped past my underwear, I felt a sudden shiver of euphoria as my eyes closed in bliss.

After we reached a new threshold in our relationship dynamic, I was curled up into Shawn’s side in a half-awake stage as his even breathing indicated he was asleep. As I laid my head on his chest. with his arm curled around me, I could finally pinpoint why I felt apprehensive the whole night from when I asked him to stay over up until now. Because even though I’d only spent a mere two months in London, a majority of that time with Shawn, I finally felt like I truly belonged somewhere.

And I didn’t want to mess it up.

A/N: Hiiii!! It’s been a bit longer than expected…But here’s the chapter! Whoop!! Getting some progress between the two! They had their first sleepover 😌 And she stayed to help him close!! How cute 🥺

I’d love to know your every single one of your thoughts!! They make me happy happy and give me lots of motivation!! I already have the ~next chapter done and let’s just say…There’s some jealousy on both sides 

Thank you so so much for reading & staying with C’est Toi!! I am forever in debt to every single one of you who has let me share this story with you!! Love you all lots!!! 

taglist (add / remove yourself): @mendesficsxbombay, @5-seconds-of-mendes, @pupsandpucks, @musicalkeys, @madatmendes, @im-salt-but-not-salty, @shawnmendez, @determined-overthinker @lenamds, @samaratheweirdo @shawnsreputation, @ineedmorestyles, @kerwritesthings

[purplesurveys]

1281

survey by chasingghosts

Who?

Who was the last person you had an intelligent debate with? Not so sure - maybe Angela and Reena. Our group chat will occasionally veer towards serious topics.

Who was the last person who cooked something for you? Dad, I believe; but I can also hear my mom preparing breakfast downstairs so she will be the next last person haha.

Who was the last person who you heard singing? Other than me, my co-worker Dev’s sibling when we had our weekly ~fade-out-slash-bonding call with the rest of the team last Friday. She had left her mic on while we were all doing the last remaining bits of work for the week and I could hear her sibling humming in the background.

Who was the last person you kissed and it meant something? My ex.

Who was the last person you were upset with? Myself.

Who was the last person you danced with? I don’t really dance with other people unless...like, drunk. But I guess my swaying and bouncing with Angela when we watched Sowoozoo counts.

Who was the last person you felt awkward around? The food delivery rider who was bringing food my aunt wanted to send over to us yesterday. He seemed very confused for reasons I’m still very confused by lmao, so it all made for an awkward encounter. 

Who was the last person who borrowed something from you? My mom went into my closet last week to grab something of mine, but I have no idea what it was since I had been half-asleep when she walked in.

Who was the last person who showed you how to do something? My dad taught me how to make coffee that wasn’t from a 3-in-1 sachet lol.

Who was the last person you went shopping with? I don’t really go shopping, much less with other people.

Who was the last person you had a crush on? I haven’t crushed on anyone since my ex, and the people I find attractive nowadays are all celebrities haha.

Who was the last person who made you cry? Myself.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Oh, that’s been a while. Still Gabie, I’m pretty sure.

Who was the last person you got drunk with? We were quite a bunch at Angela’s place two weeks ago, but I’ll name a few - her, Reena, Pia, Hans, Al.

Who was the last person who touched your hair? Not sure. Maybe my dad.

What?

What was the last pair of shoes you wore? It was a pair of adidas sneakers.

What was the last birthday party you attended? The last birthday celebration (not necessarily a party) I went to was Angela’s. I darted to her house straight after work that day cos there was no way I was going to miss out on her birthday.

What was the last thing you said to your mother? I think it was just to bid her goodnight last night.

What was the last song you listened to? Seesaw by Suga.

What was the last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night? I was thinking about my headache and how I wanted to fall asleep immediately.

What was the last fun thing you did with your family? We had a Zoom party yesterday to celebrate my cousin Bree’s 12th birthday! Her family sent over takoyaki, milk tea, and pizza to all the households who went and we watched the birthday clips we sent for Bree. It was a lot of fun and it was a super nice break from how monotonous my weekends could be.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? My sister’s microfiber cloth so that I could clean my glasses.

What was the last vegetable you ate? I’m blanking out...which is weird because my dad puts veggies in most of the dinners he makes hahaha. Probably something like lettuce or pechay??

What was the last thing you bought online? My friends and I pre-ordered the second season of In The Soop so that we can watch it when it premieres later in the month. We’ll also have to purchase our tickets to BTS’ next online concert that’ll be happening this month too...thanks for reminding me I have to raise it with them haha.

What was the last thing you had to drink? I haven’t had to drink anything recently but the last thing I took a sip of was my coffee.

What was the last reason you went to see a doctor? Continued from yesterday morning. I had had a fever all week long and we couldn’t figure out how to lower my temperature, so we needed to go so I could finally be diagnosed with whatever it was. It turned out to be a UTI.

What was the last non-food item you purchased? Pre-order slots for a pay-per-view series.

What was the last type of yoghurt you ate? Ooh, I don’t like yogurt. I’m blanking out on the last time I had it.

What was the last fast food place you ate at? I haven’t dined in at a fast food place in a while – I think it may have been Jollibee, when Angela and I met up back in February. But I did get KFC for delivery a few weeks ago.

What was the last thing that bothered you and kept you awake? Doesn’t really happen to me nowadays. I get knocked out most nights.

When?

When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? I guess yesterday? I went to Starbucks to work for a little bit but since I hadn’t done dine-in for a couple of months, I had no idea the government modified the rules a bit and required people to bring their vaccination cards if they wanted to dine in. The barista explained the new rule and I ended up profusely apologizing because I didn’t have mine on me, and I also offered that I could just do take out; but she was nice and let me off the hook and just confirmed with me if I’ve had my shots.

When was the last time you watched a movie with someone? Just myself. I did watch Squid Game - binge-watched all 9 episodes straight - with my sister last Saturday, though.

When was the last time you charged your phone? Earlier this afternoon.

When was the last time you were sick with a cold? I dunno. 1 or 2 years ago, maybe? I rarely get colds.

When was the last time you spoke to a family member on the phone? Yesterday when my mom called me up.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Earlier today. Explains why it’s been humid the last few days.

When was the last time you laid awake, unable to sleep? Like I said, struggling to fall asleep doesn’t really happen to me anymore. I usually exhaust myself until I feel like I can pass out the second I close my eyes.

When was the last time you met someone new? I want to say two Fridays ago when I pitched a presentation to a new set of people but still within a client brand we manage.

When was the last time you filled up your car with petrol/gas? I don’t drive a lot, so it’s been a few months.

When was the last time you ate popcorn? Don’t like popcorn so I honestly can’t remember. My mom makes them occasionally though so I may have grabbed one or two just to have something to chew, sometime within the year.

When was the last time you went to a school event? March last year. A school event that had been held on a Friday was literally the last place I was at – by the time that very next Monday rolled around, classes were already suspended.

When was the last time you took the trash out? I’m not normally in charge of that chore so I haven’t done it.

When was the last time you did anything to change your appearance? Like...10 minutes ago? I just fixed my bun since my hair had started to look disheveled from being up all day.

When was the last time you cooked at home? Sometime in like November last year when I tried to make a sandwich. Anyway, my dad just left today to finally head back to his work for the first time in nearly two years, and I told myself (and him) that I should try to learn cooking at least one meal so that I can manage well while he’s gone haha.

When was the last time you had a sleepover? Maybe January of last year.

Where?

Where did you last go shopping for clothing? Not sure about physical spaces but I did open my Zalora app recently to look for cute bucket hats that I’ll probably never buy anyway hahaha.

Where did you last go on a date to? I don’t even remember. I deleted all photos a long time ago.

Where was the last wedding you went to? Manila Cathedral, if I’m not mistaken. This was well over a decade ago, though. I haven’t been to any other wedding since.

Where did you last park your car, other than home? Angela’s house when I visited a couple of weeks ago.

Where did you last leave your keys? Dining table.

Where did your last kiss take place? By my ex’s car when I was bidding her goodbye.

Where did you last go for a walk to? The mall, yesterday.

Where did you last take a vacation to? It was a staycation more than anything, but we stayed at Tagaytay for a night at the start of this year to celebrate my dad’s birthday.

Where did you last go to celebrate your own birthday? We stayed at home. I reported to work that day then just had a huge dinner with my family haha.

Where was the last place you had dinner at? No clue. I want to say Ramen Nagi? when I ate there on my own last February.

Where did you last go to exercise? Rooftop since it’s open-space and no one can see me.

Where did you last take public transport to? I don’t take public transport.

Where does the last person you hung out with live? A city close to mine.

Where did you last visit for the first time? A Korean restaurant close to Angela’s place.

Where did you last take a photo? Just my room.

[dubububbles]

SHINee scenario: s/o missunderstanding their actions and thinking they are breaking up with them

(scenario: S/o misunderstanding their actions thinking that they are breaking up with them but it's actually because shinee prepared a surprise for them. sorry for being confusing. english is bad)

Requested by anon

Onew:

With your birthday around the corner, Onew wanted to do something special for you and ultimately decided on a surprise party. Keeping secrets wasn’t exactly his strong suit, so in the days leading up to it he would avoid meeting or speaking to you at all. The two of you usually kept in touch every single day, so him suddenly ghosting you would confuse and worry you a lot. 

Did I do something wrong wrong? Is he breaking up with me? When your thoughts were eating you up you texted the other members for answers but they all told you the same thing, that Onew was just ‘busy’ and that nothing was wrong. It didn’t make any sense. 

Once your birthday arrived and there still wasn’t a word from him you honestly didn’t know what to think. You felt scared and heartbroken and locked yourself up in your apartment. Your friends tried to convince you to come to dinner with them but you refused. In fact, you wouldn’t even open the door so in the end they had to contact Onew. He hadn’t meant to see you before the actual surprise party but felt worried when your friends explained the situation. He knew your code-lock, so he could enter without a problem but would feel really bad as he found you in tears and realized his plan hadn't worked out the way he wanted. 

“y/n… I’m sorry.” 

You felt surprised but relieved to see him. “Onew? Why are you here? Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?” 

“I planned a surprise for you and was afraid that you would figure it out if we met in person. I’m really sorry… I didn’t think it would end up like this.” 

“A surprise? You… you’re not breaking up with me?” 

“What? No!” 

Onew was shocked that you would even consider that possibility and then pulled you into a hug to reassure you that was definitely not the case. He then briefly explained how he arranged a party for you at a small venue and that all your common friends were there at the moment, waiting for your arrival. Once you realized how wrong you had been about everything you felt relieved but also very embarrassed. 

“Did I ruin everything?” 

He shook his head. “You didn’t ruin anything y/n. Just pretend I didn’t tell you all of this and act surprised when we arrive, okay?” 

You managed to smile a bit at those words and nodded your head in response.

Jonghyun:

Jonghyun was a romantic soul, so when your one year anniversary was approaching, he felt very excited and wanted to make the most of it. You hadn’t really discussed how to celebrate so he thought he could arrange a surprise for you. In order to prepare for it, he told you he had a schedule abroad and would need to be away for a few days. It obviously disappointed you but since it was work-related, there was nothing you could do. 

You still expected a call from him on the day of your anniversary, or at least a small text, but didn’t hear anything. It made you feel sad and hurt and you couldn’t help but wonder if he had simply forgotten or if he just didn’t care. You sincerely hoped it wasn’t the latter, since the thought of your boyfriend not being interested in you anymore scared you a lot. You didn’t want to lose him. 

That same night you went to meet up with a friend for dinner but when you arrived, your friend was nowhere to be seen. You frowned to yourself and waited a bit more before sending a quick text to ask if she was running late or if something had come up. When you put your phone down and looked up again someone was approaching you, but it wasn’t the friend in question. 

“Jong?” You blinked in surprise, since as far as you knew he shouldn’t be back in Korea for another two days. “How… what—“ 

Jonghyun would cut you off with a long kiss, simply because he had yearned to do that for the past few days, and then pull away with a sweet smile.

“Happy anniversary y/n.” 

“You remember?” 

“Of course I remember. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?” he joked but you still felt confused. 

“But you didn’t call or text… you didn’t even tell me that you were here!” Once it dawned on you that he had essentially lied you frowned and gave him a small nudge. He still smiled, though, and simply took your hand in his and started walking. 

“I didn’t tell you for a reason y/n. It’s because I prepared something for you.” 

“Really? What?”

“Hm, you will see~” he sang teasingly and even if you kept asking he wouldn’t tell you anything. 

You later arrived at a hotel and to a suite he had booked and decorated in the most romantic way you could think of. He was cheesy like that at times, but it was one of the things you really loved about him. You also had a romantic dinner at the restaurant at the top of the hotel, where you could overlook the beautiful night view of the city. 

Key:

Your relationship with Key was a strong and loving one but you would also experience your fair share of arguing every now and again. It was usually over petty things or due to the fact that you could both be immensely stubborn but you would always solve it and make up fairly quickly afterwards. 

However, one evening, when you were meant to spend the night at his place, you got into a heated argument that ended with you storming out. You then spent the night in your own apartment by yourself and refused to answer his calls, since you needed time to calm down. 

The next day you had a lot of regret and anxiety about it all and tried to call him but he didn’t answer. It worried you that he was still angry or that he thought you had broken up with him, which was definitely not the case. Because even when you fought, you still loved and cared for him and the last thing you wanted was for you to part ways.

Things were silent throughout the day, until a text arrived from him in the evening.

‘Can you come over? I think we need to talk.’

The text literally made your heart drop. When people wanted to ‘talk’ it was like saying they wanted to break up and it scared you to death because it wasn’t what you wanted. Still, you quickly told him that you were on your way and hurried to get dressed and then head over there. 

The moment he opened the door you instantly attacked him in a hug. “I’m sorry!” 

“Oh? That’s what I was about to say...” He hugged you back despite his confusion but felt relieved you weren’t angry anymore. “I’m sorry y/n. I don’t like how we left things yesterday.”

“Me neither. I was angry but I don’t want us to break up…” 

“Break up?” he repeated and felt a bit worried. “Why do you think we would suddenly break up because of one fight?” 

“You said you wanted to ‘talk’? Isn’t that what people say when they want to break up with someone?” 

“I think you’ve been watching too many movies, y/n. That’s not why I wanted you to come.” He emitted a soft sigh and then simply pulled you towards the kitchen where he had prepared for a romantic dinner, with dimmed lights, candles and everything. Key wasn’t exactly the cheesy romantic type, so you realized he was putting in all this effort for you. It made you happy and you attacked him in another hug, but this time to thank him.

Minho:

It was February and just a week away from Valentine's day. It made you feel a bit nervous, since you weren’t familiar with celebrating it and didn’t know what couples would usually do. You decided to ask Minho about it but he was basically as lost as you. In the end, you decided to keep it simple and have dinner at one of your favorite restaurants. 

Once the day got closer, Minho told you he actually had work, so he couldn’t be with you for the full day but he would be free in the evening, so you didn’t have to cancel your dinner. It didn’t come as a surprise to you, knowing he was somewhat of a workaholic at times. It also worked out well, since you would have the full day to look for a gift. Your boyfriend wasn’t easy to shop for so it took you a long time to finally pick something out but when you had, you felt very excited for the night to come. 

However, that all changed when you were on your way out of the store and suddenly spotted your boyfriend together with a woman that you didn’t recognize. She was tall and pretty and the two of them looked like a couple straight out of a romantic drama. They were talking about something, while smiling, and the woman also pulled your Minho’s sleeve to show him another item in the store. 

You didn’t want to see more after that so you quickly left and honestly didn’t know what to think. The only scenario you could think of was that he had found interest in that woman and that he was going to break up with you because of it. It hurt and made the rest of your day a living nightmare, so when it was time to meet up with him, you didn’t know if you even wanted to show up. You decided to do so but with the sole purpose of confronting him. 

He was already waiting outside of the restaurant when you arrived and could instantly tell that something was off, especially when you didn’t greet him with a hug or a kiss, as you normally would. 

“Is something wrong y/n?”

You just sighed and then told him about what you had seen at the jewelry store but when you felt the tears build up in your eyes you stopped and turned away. You didn’t want to cry in front of him but you soon felt his hand grab yours and turn you back around.

“I lied about having work today but it’s not what you think y/n. I wanted to get you a special gift and asked my cousin to help me, since I thought she would know what a girl likes.” 

“Cousin?” you repeated and felt a heavy stone being lifted off your chest. “She is your cousin?” 

Minho nodded with a sincere look and you then hugged him with a sigh and felt stupid for even considering the idea that he was going to leave you for someone else. 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry y/n. I never mean to give you the wrong idea. You know that I love you more than anything.”

Taemin:

You and Taemin had been dating for a while and grown very close and supportive of one another. Whenever either of you had an advance in your career or an accomplishment you were proud of, you would find ways to celebrate. So, when both of you had successful comebacks around the same time you made plans to meet up once your promotions were wrapped up. 

Since you had both been very busy and not seen each other in a while you definitely looked forward to it. But on the day that you were meant to meet, your boyfriend told you that he was going to have dinner with some of his back-up dancers and staff members, which made you feel a bit disappointed. 

You didn’t tell him that, since you didn’t want to seem like a bad girlfriend but inside you just couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt and frustrated. After all, he was basically standing you up to hang out with other people, even when the two of you had made plans first. You didn’t get to see each other often to begin with and now he didn’t even want to meet when you had made time for it. 

Despite your attempts to distract yourself or think of something else, you couldn’t get rid of the bad thoughts in your head. Thoughts about how Taemin didn’t like you or care for you, like you did for him, or thoughts that you weren’t good enough or that he was going to break up with you. 

You returned to your apartment that night with a somber expression and most of all wanted to curl up on the couch and binge watch a drama to make yourself feel better. But the moment you stepped through the door you were surprised to suddenly be greeted by some of your close friends, the other SHINee members and also, Taemin. He approached you with a smile but then noticed your teary eyes and became worried. 

“What’s wrong? Do you not like the surprise?” 

“No, it’s just… I thought you were going to have dinner with your staff members?” 

“Ah, well… I lied.” he said with a small mischievous smile. “I thought you would be more surprised if you didn’t expect anything.” 

At first you felt relieved but then you also felt a bit silly for your bad thoughts. Thankfully, they all disappeared quickly when you realize the lengths Taemin had gone to just to surprise you and make you happy. You then hugged him tightly and placed a quick kiss on his lips, since you felt a bit shy with everyone else watching you. 

“I love the surprise. Thank you so much Taemin.”

[kerikaaria]

If I Never Met You: Chapter 12

(??? X Reader) Idol!AU, Manager!Reader

Genre: (PG13) Fluff, angst

WC: 4.2k

Warnings: None

Series Masterlist

Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13

Within the next few days, the rest of the boys started returning from their breaks with plenty of stories of how their time with their families went. It was really nice to see them look so happy, and it seemed like they were refreshed and ready to really work hard on their debut.

I was still careful to keep my arm covered at first so that they didn’t suddenly see it and make a big deal about it, like what happened on Christmas. The day that the last of them returned I was sure to sit them all down and tell them about what happened. Of course they were concerned and also upset I didn’t tell them sooner, but it was a lot calmer than when Jin and Hobi found out.

The rest of the holidays came and went as quickly as they arrived, the end of the year being marked by a small celebration for V's birthday, and not too long after 2013 began my arm was thankfully healed.

Some of the songs for their debut album were finished so they needed to record and learn the choreography. And soon it was time for me and Sejin oppa to start going around to broadcasting companies, so they’d hopefully have a better chance at exposure when they were ready.

After a day in February of going around to as many companies as we could to leave business cards and information on BTS, I slumped onto my couch exhausted. Everywhere we went, we were dismissed and ignored, just being told to add it to the pile. He already warned me that’s how it would be, but that didn’t stop it from being mentally exhausting.

I was about to drift off to sleep right there when the familiar knocking sound on my door made me alert again. I answered the door to see Namjoon and Jungkook smiling at me.

“Hey, noona,” Kookie greeted me.

I waved in response. “What’s up?”

“We ordered food if you wanted to eat with us,” Namjoon said.

“It’s fine, I’m not-” I was about to say I wasn’t hungry, but after the mention of food I realized that I actually was. I didn’t think I ate since breakfast. “Actually, yeah I’ll take you up on that.”

I grabbed my phone and keys before walking next door with them. Of course the volume in the room was set to energetic, which just made me feel even more sleepy if anything.

“Hey, (Y/n),” Jin greeted. “We made sure to order extra for you just in case.”

“Thanks, honey,” I barely squeezed out before yawning.

“Are you tired, noona?” Hobi asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, today was exhausting. Both physically and mentally.”

“It didn’t go too well?” Taehyung frowned.

I found a spot to sit in between Jimin and Jin and grabbed a plate of takeout to start eating. “I mean, we didn’t expect people to give us anything to work with. It was our first time going around, so there’s not much to expect. But the icing on the cake was definitely a security guard thinking I was some fangirl just trying to sneak in. Spoke to me slowly in broken English and everything.”

“You’re kidding,” Hobi said, mid-bite of his noodles. “Even with your company ID badge?”

“Yup, Sejin had to take like two minutes to convince him. And even after I spoke in Korean to him, he still kept using his broken English.”

“Wow,” Namjoon vocalized. “That’s just rude.”

“Yeah, ‘rude’ basically sums up everyone we dealt with today.”

“I’m sorry, noona.” Jimin put his plate down so he could hug me from the side.

“It’s alright,” I said, leaning my head on his to show him I appreciated the gesture. “I knew what I was signing up for. Sejin already told me this is what I should expect.”

“If you were told that you’d just be disrespected and have to deal with rude people all the time for a job why would you want to agree to it?” Taehyung asked.

“Well, someone has to do it,” I replied. “And that’s just one aspect that is negative. The job I signed up for is to be your manager, to help you guys succeed. And that’s what I want to do. If I have to deal with a few jerks on the way, then so be it.”

I saw a few smiles appear on the faces around me at my words. “We love you too, noona,” Jungkook said.

I blew him a kiss in response. “So how’s practice going?” I hadn’t gotten to see them practice at all since the year started so I was curious how it was coming along.

“We’re working on the choreo for No More Dream,” dance captain J-Hope said. “It’s going alright so far, although the one move toward the end needs more practice than we expected.”

Jin made a hissing sound. “My back hurts just thinking about it.”

“Sorry, hyung.” Jimin looked at him apologetically.

“And we still have a few tracks to do the recordings for,” Namjoon added. “But I’d say it’s going well so far.”

“That’s good to hear,” I responded with a smile.  “I need to try to set some time aside to see you guys practice soon.”

“We would love that,” Jin replied. “We got used to you stopping in so it’s been feeling weird not seeing you for so long.”

“Sorry,” I said. “Sejin oppa has been needing me for a lot of things recently and we’re doing a lot of things outside of the company too so I haven’t had the time.”

“Don’t apologize, noona.” Yoongi shook his head. “You have a job to do.”

Random conversations continued as we finished our meals, and it wasn’t long before I was almost falling asleep in their living room, both from my exhaustion and from being contently full.

Seokjin nudged my shoulder and called my name to keep me from falling asleep. “You should go home if you’re going to sleep, (Y/n),” he said. “Don’t sleep here when you live right next door.”

I sat up, still drowsy and nodded. “Yeah I should get going. I’ll see you guys sometime soon,” I said as I stood up and started walking to their door.

I heard them all ringing out goodbyes, but one of them said, “Wait, noona! Let me walk you.”

“I literally live right next door,” I said as I turned around to see it was Taehyung who walked over to me, going to slip his shoes on (improperly, with his heels not inside of course).

“You look like you’re about to fall over,” Tae responded. “I want to make sure you actually get to your room.” He then lowered his voice so only I could hear him, “And I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay, fine,” I said. “Since it’s quick anyway, why not?” I waved goodbye to everyone one last time while me and Taehyung walked just a few feet to my door and I unlocked it, welcoming him inside.

He slipped his shoes back off and sat down on the couch. He kept his eyes on me as I slowly followed, my actions hindered by my drowsiness, before I sat next to him.

“What is it, Tae?” I asked.

“Well…” he started. He seemed nervous as he tapped his fingers on his knees. “There was something on my mind.”

“Don’t be scared to tell me, Taetae,” I said with a smile. “I’m here for you, you know that.”

He sighed, seemingly collecting his thoughts. “It’s just… Well I was wondering why it seemed like I’m being left out of the social media posts.”

Oh. That was a question I wasn’t expecting. “What do you mean, Tae?”

“Well, I’ve been filming logs on my own but none have gone up on YouTube, and I haven’t been allowed to be in ones with anyone else. And I was told not to say anything on the Twitter yet,” Taehyung was twiddling his fingers in his lap with his eyes focused on them. “Everyone else has been in a video or made a post on the Twitter but I’m not allowed to yet. I was wondering… Is there a reason for that?”

I frowned at him. “I’m sorry that you’re feeling left out Taehyung-ah.” I placed a hand on his back for comfort. “I promise that it won’t be for forever.”

“But, why is it though?” He finally looked up at me, but I almost wished he didn’t. I could easily see the sadness in his eyes. “Am I not good enough to be an official part of the group? Am I going to get kicked out?”

“What? No, of course not! You’re not getting kicked out, Tae. Nothing’s happening to you.”

“Then why is it only me?”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know,” I said as I embraced him in a hug. “But I’ll ask about it, okay?”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” I said as I rocked him back and forth.

“Thanks, noona.” He embraced me even more tightly.

“Of course.” I released him from my embrace. “You should get going before they ask why you took so long.”

“Oh, yeah. And you need some sleep, too.” He quickly got up and slid his shoes back on lazily. “Good night, noona!”

“Good night, V,” I smiled as he left.

The next day I made my way to work, feeling refreshed after a good night’s sleep. I was way too tired for my concern of what Taehyung talked to me about to prevent me from sleeping. But I couldn’t get the sad look in his eyes out of my mind. He’s usually really happy and energetic, so I honestly hadn’t seen that side of him before.

With his words still fresh in my mind, I wanted to make sure to ask Sejin about it this morning before we started anything else. I wondered if he knew if there was a reason. My mind was so distracted by all my thoughts this morning that I was on autopilot. I walked into our now shared office, happy to see that he was already here.

“You’re here a little early,” he addressed me.

“Yeah, I had something I was hoping to talk to you about before we started work today,” I replied.

“Oh?” He looked at me, seeing my nervous expression. “Is something wrong?”

“Well, not wrong per se,” I started. “But there is something bothering me. Yesterday Taehyung was asking me why he’s being left out of the logs and twitter posts. He was upset about it, thinking he was going to get kicked out of the group.”

“He is most definitely not getting kicked out,” Sejin simply responded.

“I told him that, but he really feels like he’s being left out on purpose.” I shifted my weight around on my feet as I spoke, thinking about how sad he looked. “It made him really upset and he wants to know if there’s a reason why.”

Sejin looked at me for a moment before sighing as he pulled open a drawer from the desk and pulled out some small pieces of paper, dropping them onto the desk surface. I walked closer to see that they were business cards from various agencies, at least 10 or so. They were mostly from the more well-known companies with the most successful K-pop groups.

“We were going to tell him to start posting,” Sejin said. “But then last month he came to me, telling me about how he’s been getting stopped on the street by people from these agencies trying to scout him.”

“I feel like that’s a lot of business cards,” was all I could say.

“Yeah, it is. And that’s only street casting, they’re only asking him to audition based on his looks alone. Just imagine if he went to one of the auditions and they saw his talent and potential. They could snatch him away from us.”

“But he wouldn’t do that,” I responded firmly. “Our V wouldn’t leave BTS. I mean he’s under contract anyway and he can’t break that, not that he’d want to.”

“If they wanted him badly enough, they would pay the fee for him breaking his contract with us. And as much as I would really honestly hope that his bond with the other members and us would be enough to keep him here, you never know. Well-known companies who have very successfully debuted groups before could be really convincing and tempting, especially when our company has no recognition in the industry yet.”

“But why would that be a reason to keep him off of the YouTube and Twitter?”

“Because these same scouts could very well be looking online for potential talent, too. And if he’s already this appealing to them, imagine if they found out he’s been in training and is about to debut. They could get aggressive with trying to scoop him up.”

I took a minute to soak in the information. No matter what Sejin said, I couldn’t help but feel like V wouldn’t ever just leave us like that. But I also felt the fear that the other agencies’ offers could be way too tempting and more than what we could ever do for him and that made me feel insecure about it.

“If you’re wondering why I didn’t tell you,” Sejin broke through my thoughts, “I didn’t think I would need to. I’m sorry for not talking to you about it, but I didn’t want to worry you with this one.”

I was far more concerned with how Taehyung was feeling about the situation rather than why Sejin didn’t want to tell me about it. I finished putting my thoughts together before saying, “Well, when is he going to be able to post?”

“Probably not until the debut is set and ready. After we get filming done and their debut date is completely set. Just to be safe. At that point, it would be too late for anyone to try to steal him from us even if they wanted to.”

I slowly nodded, my thoughts still battling over the fear of the pull from well-known agencies and knowing that Tae wouldn’t want to abandon us. “What am I supposed to tell him? He’s waiting for an answer from me about this.”

Sejin thought for a moment. “Just tell him he’s our secret weapon. It’s not really a lie, I would pretty much say he honestly is at this point,” he said as he looked at the business cards laying on the desk again.

There was a noise at the door, and both of us turned to see what made it. I just barely caught a glimpse of the figure on the other side, noticing the door was left slightly ajar. Oh no. I turned back to look at Sejin, my eyes wide. “Please tell me I didn’t see that right.”

“Unless we’re both imaging things, I believe you did.” He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face.

“I’ll go talk to him,” I said as I rushed toward the door to chase the retreating figure down the hallway. Luckily, he didn’t run so I was able to quickly catch up to him.

“Taehyung-ah,” I called out to him as I got close.

He abruptly stopped for just a second before speeding up into a jog. But I wasn’t going to let him out of my sight so I kept up with him as best as I could. Just as he was about to exit the building, I managed to catch up to him and grab onto his arm. It made me wonder if he really didn’t want me to stop him, seeing as he could have easily outrun me if he had sprinted at full speed.

“Taehyung-ah,” I said as I caught my breath. “Let’s talk, hmm?”

“I think I heard all that I needed to hear,” He replied. His voice was shaky, but I could hear an almost angry tone to it, which shocked me for a second.

“Please,” I said as I placed my other hand on his back. “I don’t want you to leave like this.”

He turned to face me, and I was able to clearly see the trails his tears left on his cheeks. “Like what, noona?” he asked. “Feeling betrayed, knowing what you and hyung really think about me?”

If I thought my heart was already broken seeing him like this, his words completely shattered it. “Taetae, we trust you. Please, let’s just go somewhere to talk.”

Taehyung looked like he was considering what to do when we heard someone from behind me speak up.

“What’s going on here?” An all too familiar voice said, making my eyes widen and heartbeat race.

Tae seemed to have noticed my reaction because he stepped in between me and the speaker before responding, “It’s nothing.”

I turned around, now able to confirm that the voice belonged to the same woman who I encountered in the hallway that day with Yoongi. My grip on Tae’s arm tightened.

Taehyung turned around in response to my grip. After observing my expression, he gently touched my arm where it had been hurt, and very quietly whispered, “Was it her?”

I carefully nodded before he turned back to face her again.

“Did she do something to hurt you?” she asked stepping closer.

Taehyung slowly stepped back with each step she took toward us, pushing me with him. “No, everything’s fine. I’m just stressed, is all.”

Everything wasn’t fine. He was hurt by what Sejin and I said. But even so, he was still doing his best to protect me.

“If she’s done something wrong, you should tell me,” she said. “If someone does something wrong, they should get punished, don’t you think?”

“I completely agree,” he said. I couldn’t see his face, but I definitely heard the anger in his tone. “So you might want to be careful next time you have a boiling hot drink in your hand.”

With that, he grabbed my hand and started pulling me out the front doors of the building. “Let’s go, noona.”

I didn’t get to see her expression, but I heard her scoff and imagining what kind of look she must be sporting right now put a smile on my face. But I soon returned my attention to the boy in front of me, making my smile disappear again.

How could he do that? How could he stand up for me when he was crying just a minute ago because of my conversation he overheard?

We didn’t go far, just to the small park that was close by. He found a bench and let go of my hand to gently guide me to sit on it before taking a seat next to me.

“Are you okay, noona?” he asked me.

I looked at him, speechless for a minute. “How can you ask me that?”

He tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I made you upset,” I said. “I made you cry, and not one minute later there you were standing up for me. And now you’re asking if I’m okay?” I turned my attention to my hands resting in my lap. “I’m supposed to be asking you that.”

Taehyung stayed silent, but I could feel his gaze on me.

“I’m really sorry you overheard our conversation,” I said after what felt like an eternity of silence, finally bringing myself to look at him again. “I promise, I really didn’t know anything when you asked about it last night.”

“Why would you guys think I’d leave?” he asked, his voice breaking just slightly.

“I don’t. I really don’t, Tae.” I took in a breath to keep myself steady before continuing. Seeing the look in his eyes made it really hard for me to keep my composure. “I don’t know how much you heard, but I told Sejin I don’t believe you’d want to leave BTS.”

“Well it definitely seems like he does at least,” he responded. I could see the water collecting in his eyes now.

“I don’t think he does,” I responded, turning toward him with my legs crossed on the bench and taking his hands in mine. “I just think he’s scared that what other agencies have to offer will be way too appealing.”

“That’s the same thing,” he snapped back. “He still thinks that you guys are so unimportant to me that I would leave if a good enough offer was thrown my way.”

“Not necessarily, Tae.” I took a second to think of how to explain it to him. “Let me put it this way. You would say that I’m close with you guys, right? And I’ve told you how I took this job because I wanted to help you and be with you guys. So you don’t think I would just up and leave, right?”

He nodded.

“Okay. Now imagine that I got a job offer elsewhere. That someone, for whatever reason, told me they wanted to hire me and offered me a large pay increase and benefits I don’t get from this job. Imagine that happened and you found out about it. How would you feel and what would you say to me?”

His eyes widened. “I would tell you, beg you not to leave us.”

“Exactly,” I replied, placing a hand on his cheek as his tears finally spilled over. “I would never, ever want to leave you guys. But if you found out that someone wanted to take me away, you’d get scared and ask me not to go. That’s the same way Sejin felt when he found out people wanted to take you away from us.”

Taehyung looked like he was mulling my words over for a minute before he closed his eyes, seeming to realize how we felt.

I wiped away his tears. “We know you wouldn’t leave. But the fact that other people, especially from big companies, are asking you to is scary. Regardless if we know that or not. I think oppa was just scared and didn’t know what else to do.”

Taehyung nods, understanding my words. “But if I promise that I absolutely will not leave, could I start doing logs and tweeting?”

I sighed as I considered his words. “I don’t know, Tae. It might still be better to hold off on that. You heard what he said, right? That if they see you and know that you’ve already been in training and might be debuting soon you might get people being more aggressive to scout you. Do you really want that?”

He thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think I do. I don’t want anyone thinking that they can take me away from my team. They’re my friends, my brothers. And no one is going to try to take me from them.”

I smiled. “I’m so happy to hear that, V.” I pulled him into a hug. “Just know that you’re safe, okay? We want you to be part of BTS so bad, we are doing what we can to keep other companies from snatching you up.”

I could feel him smile as he settled into the embrace. “Okay. I trust you and hyung. I won’t post anything until you tell me it’s okay to.”

We released each other, and I was about to stand up for us to start heading back before Taehyung started speaking again. “Oh, but noona, are you really okay?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“That woman. She seems really nasty.”

To be honest, I had completely forgotten about that since I was too worried about Tae. “Oh, her. Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it,” I reassured him with a smile.

“If she causes you anymore trouble, you’ll tell one of us, right?”

“Of course. Didn’t I promise you guys I’d be open about this stuff from now on?”

“Good. Because I’m definitely telling the others that she was bothering you again. I know she was only trying to get you in trouble.”

I sighed, knowing there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise. “Alright, fine. Come on, let’s get back. I’ll make up an excuse for your instructor on why you were late.”

“Oh my gosh, I forgot about my lesson!” He quickly got up and started walking at a fast pace with me. “I’m so sorry.”

I laughed. “It’s alright, like I said I’ll go with you and make up an excuse.”

As we walked down the block back to the company, someone started trying to get our attention.

“Excuse me!” an unfamiliar voice yelled.

We turned around to see someone coming towards us, and they gave V a good look up and down.

“Hello!” the stranger said. “I’m from an entertainment company. I was wondering if you are interested in coming to an audition for us. We’re looking for new talent and you look like you’d be a good fit for what we’re looking for.” They held out a business card that had the name of one of the biggest companies on it to Tae.

“No, thank you. I’m not interested,” he responded with a kind smile before we turned to continue walking back. He didn’t even take their card.

We looked at each other and exchanged a knowing smile while we could hear the person trying to get his attention again, hoping he’d change his mind. But we both knew that wasn’t going to happen.

Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13

Tags: @calling-dips-on-j-hope​ @misohime​ @netflix-batman-sleep​

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[princecharmingmendes]

Valentine's Day | Peter Mendes

"Being heartbroken already sucks, but being heartbroken on Valentine's Day due to your douche ex boyfriend it's the worst thing that could happen, thankfully you have the triplets to take care of you, but specially your best friend and forever crush, Peter"

                                               Shawn | Raul (coming soon)

Hi! This is the best friends to lovers valentine's day inspired part, hope you enjoy it! 

*Word Count: 6.3k+ 

*Warnings: cursing, some angst and I gues that's it!

*Posted: February 16th, 2020

                                                        -*-

There’s always a limit of how much of a jerk you can be, but Joshua just tried his best and succeeded on being the biggest jerk on the planet and it sucked. He literally dumped you one week before valentine’s day saying that he’s not sure if you’re the kind of person he would like to date anymore after almost a whole year. Who in the world does that? For real! Normally, it wouldn’t surprise you, you’ve had a few bad experiences before and you used to think that no one could hurt you anymore. So naive of you to believe that. People always find a way to let you down.

“Hey, Y/N” says one of the few people who would never let you down, and they all shared DNA.

The triplets have been my best friends since middle school, when I met Peter and he was so happy he invited me over on the first weekend since we’ve met, and that’s how I met Raul and Shawn. Raul became my friend when he punched a guy for looking at me funny, and Shawn, well, when he found out I played the piano he was always inviting himself to my house so that I could teach him. And Peter, oh, how do I say this? He’s always been the one for me, the one I would call crying when I felt sad, the one I would rely on pretty much anything, the one I would tell anything and the one I fell for when I was thirteen.

I never really gave too much attention to it, didn’t want to ruin our friendship. And also, he never showed any signs that he felt the same way, so I pushed my feeling deep in my heart and pretended I was fine when he sounded so excited that some other girl finally decided they could go out together, even though my heart was aching. No one found that out, not even his brothers, specially them, cause they share pretty much everything that happens in their lives between them. It’s almost like there are no secrets at all. So, no way I’d tell them how I felt about their brother.

“Hey, Shawn” you replied as soon as you picked up the phone.

“So, what are you doing for lunch today?”

“Uh, I don’t know, probably eat near work or something, why?”

“Nothing really, just wanted to know if you don’t want company or something?”

“Where’s your girlfriend? It’s valentine’s day!”

“She’s at work, and I know, we’re going out tonight”

“Oh, okay, what time and where?”

“I can pick you up if you want”

“That’d be great actually”

“In an hour?”

“Perfect!” I said smiling while I organized some papers.

“Okay, great, gotta go, bye, Y/N”

“Bye, Shawn” I said hanging up and getting back at work.

At least today isn’t going to be that bad.

-*-

Well, I was wrong, today is going to be the worst.

Shawn picked me up and as soon as I got in his car he was asking what was wrong. I just dismissed the subject and he seemed to drop it, even though I knew he would spend the whole day trying to understand what happened. He parked at a restaurant we liked very much and as soon as we entered the place, I saw my ex there holding hands with a girl that he works with. That little shit! That’s when it hit me. They used to hang out a lot and he said she had a boyfriend and that I shouldn’t worry about her, even though they’re always together. And the worst? I believed him because I thought he would never cheat on me. Guess I was wrong.

“Hey, is that...?”

“Yup, that’s him”

“You guys broke up?”

“Sunday, he texted saying it was over because I’m not right for him, apparently was just and excuse to keep on fooling around with her without me on his way”

“I’m going to murder him” Shawn said clenching his jaw and before he could do or say something about it I grabbed his bicep.

“Don’t, I don’t was to cause a scene, just forget it”

“Okay...” he said taking a deep breath “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“No, it’s okay, don’t want to ruin lunch because of him”

“It’s your call, whatever you decide I’m okay with”

“Thank you”

“Sure” he said throwing his arm around my shoulders and guiding me to our table, surely taking a bigger course so we would be as far from Joshua as possible. Little things like this make me love them even more.

“So, enough about me, what about you?”

“Na-ah, we’re still talking about you... how are you dealing with it”

“Well, it’s hard, sure, but I’ll be alright”

“If you need anything, you just have to call us”

“I know, and thank you”

“What are you doing tonight?” Shawn asked as the waiter approached holding the menu.

“Would you guys like to take a look or can I already order your usuals?” she asked smiling politely.

“The usual’s fine for me”

“Yeah, me too, thank you, Grace” Shawn said beaming at her and she just nodded leaving ya to talk.

“What am I doing? Probably just binge watch something and order pizza”

“Do you want to go out with us?”

“Dude, I’m not third wheeling in valentine’s day, thank you very much”

“I‘ll call Raul, he’s single and not going out tonight”

“I’m also not ruining your date night, you work way too much and your girlfriend deserves attention, I really like her, don’t want her to dump you for being too busy”

“You do have a point, but call Raul, or he’s probably just going to work”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to him, what about Peter? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, Peter is fine”

“I haven’t seen him lately”

“He’s busy with work, I haven’t either, well, at least until yesterday, the three of us met at a pizza place to talk and stuff, he has some really cool things going on at work and he’s trying his best to everything go down as smoothly as possible, you know him”

“I do”

“But yeah, he’s doing fine, he’s got a date tonight”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t sound too happy about it, but we thought it was better to leave it and talk to him after the date”

“Who’s the girl?”

“Someone he met at a friend’s party of something”

“Oh, he didn’t tell me

“He’s just really busy”

“Yeah, I know” I said sighing.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired”

“Haven’t been sleeping?”

“Yeah, too much going on”

“I figured” Shawn said with concerned laced in his voice “what about that project you had with Hannah?”

“Oh, that is going fantastic...” I said cheerfully and glad he changed subjects.

                                                      -*-

Lunch went well after all, didn’t see Joshua for the rest of the day. Went back to work and things were fine, I even decided to work a little later because I was feeling like it. Then I left and went to the gym that was pretty close to my house, but when I got in I immediately regretted it. Joshua was there talking to some random blonde girl and I felt so stupid. I mean, he lives close by and he always loved to work out at the end of the afternoon and go out after, specially now that he’s single. But before I could leave, he saw me and I simply couldn’t leave now, I just felt like I couldn’t give him the taste that I’m hurt about what he did. So I ignored him and started my workout routine.

Ignoring him was the hardest thing in the planet. Not because I didn’t want to, but because he was purposefully waking around me and flirting a little too obviously in front of me the whole time. When I decided it was enough for today, both from him and the workout, I went to grab my stuff and when I got back he was standing there, apparently waiting for me.

“Fancy seeing you here”

“Wish I could say the same” I snapped back.

“Ooh, someone’s mad, what? Someone hurt you?”

“Hurt me? I guess you’ll have to try harder than hitting on a poor girl in front of me to hurt you” I said and he just stared at me “what? You think I’m stupid?”

“No, I’m sure actually”

“Wow, now you hurt me” I said clutching my hand over my chest dramatically.

“Well, will you excuse me? I have hotter girls to talk to”

“Be my guest, I’m not stopping you from doing anything”

“Will you just stop?” he asked seeming to be actually annoyed.

“Stop what?”

“Stop acting like you don’t care... that you don’t love me”

“But I don’t, I’m not pretending”

“Oh really? Is that why you had to go to lunch with Shawn Mendes? Come to my gym and work out at the same time as me? Stop pretending! I know you’re hurt and you still love me, that’s why you didn’t go out last night and that’s why you’ll spend the whole night alone, probably crying because of me and because you’re single and pathe...”

“Shut up, Joshua! What’s wrong with you?” I interrupted him “My life doesn’t spin around you, at least not anymore, and all of this just proves that you’re obsessed with me and the need of someone wanting you, you’re just rude and a big ass narcissist, fuck you! I don’t care if you have a million dates tonight, and you should mind your own business, not what I’m doing or who I’m doing tonight, so goodbye” I said turning around to leave, but not before he said something along the lines of ‘that’s why no one likes you’ and suddenly I lost control.

I spun around and took two big and quick steps towards him, slapping right across his left cheek.

“If you have something to say, say it to my face, coward” I said finally leaving the place and him, standing there in complete shock.

I practically sprinted towards my building, deciding to take the stairs since I felt I was shivering and burning hot from anger. When I finally reached my door, it was when I felt the first tear rolling down my face. Shit. I know I shouldn’t be crying because of him, but what can I do? He was a douche and I hate him. I grabbed my keys and turned the lock, slipping inside, I went straight to my room to take a shower to try to calm my nerves and stop my pathetic sobs from coming.

“Shit” I muttered under my breath when my phone started ringing and Raul’s name lighting up the screen.

“Hey, Y/N, Shawn called me earlier and told me about lunch, are you okay? Do you want me to take you somewhere?” Raul said through the phone while I tried to calm my breathing as much as I could.

“Hey, I can’t, I’m sorry” I said trying to contain my sobs and sniffs.

“Hey, are you crying? What happened?”

“Nothing, I’m not crying, it’s allergies”

“Y/N...”

“Look, I’m fine, I just need to take a shower and that’s it, I gotta go now, and I’m sorry, but I can’t go out tonight, thank you, goodnight” I said quickly and hanging up.

Taking a deep breath, turned off my phone and got in the shower.

                                                      -*-

Once I was done crying, I got out of the shower and changed to a pair of sweatpants and a white plain gigantic t-shirt, with my hair wet and probably soaking my shirt, but now I couldn’t care less. I went to the kitchen to try to find something to eat, but giving up pretty much in the middle of it, finding nothing other then cereal and eggs, and neither of those got me hungry or excited, so I just grabbed the ice cream and a spoon, ready to curl up on a ball but apparently someone had to ruin my plans. The doorbell rang and I got up, grabbing an umbrella by the door just in case.

“Joshua, go away, I’ll cal the cops” I said 100% sure it was him wanting to humiliate me even more.

“Hm... actually... it’s Peter... please don’t call the cops”

“Peter?!” I asked opening the damn door “what the hell? Don’t you have a date or something?”

“I had... can I come in?”

“What are you doing here?”

“Shawn called this afternoon and I already wanted to cancel everything to be here with you... and then Raul called, and I think you know what happened”

“Shit, I’m sorry”

“It’s okay”

“You should go though” I said crossing my arms above my chest “you’re probably late”

“Y/N, I thought you knew me better”

“I...”

“I already cancelled it, and I ordered pizza and I’m staying the night”

“O-okay”

“Can I come in, princess?” he asked and I nodded still not knowing what to do, he gently pushed me to the side and got in, closing the door and grabbing my hand “where do you want to sit?”

“I...” I started but never finished, even though he was patiently waiting.

“Can I take the lead for now?” he asked cupping my face gently and I nodded looking straight into his eyes.

Peter guided me through my house and sat down on my bed with me, still holding my hand as we just stared at each other in silence. Looking at him and seeing concern all over his face was hard, but knowing that he did all of this for me was harder. Specially because I know he only did this because he thinks I’m an idiot. That did hit me in the face and I felt a fat hot tear slowly run down my face and he gently squeezed my hands between his enormous ones.

“I’m here for you, whatever you need” he said in a whisper and I simply could not reply, a sob bubbles off from my chest and the tears started rolling down my face like a faucet “shhh, it’s okay, let it all out” he said as he pulled me into his chest and to sit on his lap.

“He dumped me” I said after what felt like ages.

“Shawn told me” he said kissing my hair softly.

“He apparently cheated on me... and today I say him”

“At lunch, right?”

“Well, yeah, but also at the gym”

“I didn’t know about that”

“I didn’t tell anyone, at least not yet”

“Did he do something?”

“He was flirting with a girl and at the end, as I was leaving he came to talk to me about how I should be miserable and how no one can handle me or something like that”

“He said what?”

“I know, so I slapped him and left”

“Shit, honey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know”

“How could you?”

“I don’t know, but you don’t deserve this”

“I think I kinda do... I mean, everybody told me how much of a jerk he was”

“That doesn’t make you deserve any of this, I wish I could do something about it”

“Shawn wanted to punch him, I don’t doubt Raul would if he saw him, fuck, I DID slap him”

“He deserved it, if I could, I’d murder him right now only for making you feel like this is your fault, God, I fucking hate him”

“You always did” I mumbled as I nuzzled my face on his chest.

“I had my reasons” he said combing through my hair gently “can I blow dry your hair? Your shirt is damp and I don’t want you to be sick”

“Yeah, I should probably change first”

“Why?”

“Hm... nothing”

“Okay, weirdo” He said placing me back on my bed as he went to my bathroom and got back with the blow drier “sit up for me”

As I did what he asked, he started getting my hair dry as he gently took his time to detangle my hair and massage my scalp. I was completely lost in his ministrations and his touch, so I didn’t think much when I placed my hands on the waistband of his sweatpants, I immediately regretted when I felt his breath pattern change, but since he didn’t sat anything and I’ve already done it, I just kept them there. I placed my forehead on his rock hard abs while he finished with my hair, once he was done, he just plugged it off and kept running his long fingers through my hair in a soothing motion.

“I think the pizza is here, do you want to eat it in here or on the living room?”

“Living room” I mumbled softly and he chuckled.

“Let me help you get there” he said picking me up and carrying me to the couch, where he placed me down before going to pick up our food.

He returned a few seconds later and grabbed a backpack that I didn’t noticed it was placed by the door. It meant he really thought this through when he said he was going to spend the night, but really, when does he not think about everything?

He got us the pizza and plates, two glasses of wine and blankets, all that while I picked up a movie to watch. Peter sat down beside me and took off his hoodie, making his best to make me feel comfortable, offering me the glass and the pizza, which I gladly accepted. We were pretty much an hour into the movie when he got up again to refill our glasses and put away the pizza leftover, when he came back, he simply sat down beside me again, closer this time, and placed his arm on the backrest of the couch. I started leaning in into his warmth and when I realized, I was practically on top of him and he had his arm around me.

“Hun?”

“Hm?”

“You’re shivering”

“It’s this stupid shirt”

“Take it off”

“I’m too lazy to go there and change it”

“Here, take my hoodie” he said picking it up “I can turn around if you want”

“I do, please” I said and he just stuffed a throw pillow on his face making me chuckle “done” I said as soon as I got the hoodie on.

“Better?” he asked placing the pillow back on its place and pulling me back on top of him.

“Much better”

Half an hour later he had his hand inside my (his) hoodie caressing my lower back, a few moments later he started running his hand higher and when he noticed I wasn’t really wearing a bra and I remembered it, both of our breaths were caught in our throats. He didn’t say anything and neither have I. He kept on with his sweet touches and it started to lure me to sleep, and I didn’t even noticed when I dozed off.

“Honey?” Peter called lowly what felt like two minutes later.

“Hm?”

“You fell asleep twenty minutes ago, and as much as I didn’t want to wake you, I’m afraid you’d wake up tomorrow in pain”

“Oh” I said sitting up properly and rubbing my eyes “sorry”

“It’s okay, Want me to take you to your room?” he asked and I just nodded, too weak to deny it.

He picked me up and placed me on my bed gently, pulling the cover over my body and adjusting the TV for me. I just lied there in awe that he knew my routine by heart not knowing what to do or say, so when he turned around to place a strand of hair behind my ear, I really didn’t think much when I grabbed his wrist.

“Is everything okay?”

“Hm... yeah”

“Do you need anything?” he asked and I shook my head “I’m going to be in the living...”

“Can you stay?” I barley whispered

“Sorry, what?”

“Nothing”

“What did you say?”

“Would you stay?”

“In here?” he asked and I nodded “yeah, sure, whatever you want” he said as he pulled back the covers and got in “can I hold you?”

“Please” I silently begged him and he just smiled down at me as he pulled into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

“Go back to sleep, sweetheart, we’ll talk some more in the morning, okay?” he asked and just nodded weakly as his fingers got back at combing through my hair, quickly getting me to sleep again.

                                                      -*-

Waking up was painful. I’ve never slept better in my life, and I don’t know if it’s because of the wine of being in arms of someone I fell for and actually cares about me. I slowly started to stir awake and as noticed my surroundings, I realized that the bed was empty on the other side, slightly cold already, which meant Peter already left. I’m not gonna lie, I was quite disappointed on that, and it seems wrong. I mean, we don’t have anything for me to feel bad, he’s only a friend and he probably felt weird waking up beside me.

I got up and looked at the big mirror I had in my room, seeing that I was still wearing his hoodie and I felt awkwardly warm inside, and I don’t know if that’s a good sign. I put my hair in another messy bun and headed to the kitchen, only to find my best friend still shirtless and on his sweatpants apparently making breakfast for a whole army. I leaned against the counter silently just watching him cook and hum to some random melody lowly. Seeing him like this brought up the feeling that maybe we could have been something, waking up everyday to this would’ve been nice and going to bed with someone just as sweet would be nicer.

“Hey, sweetheart, morning” he said as he turned around to grab something “since it’s quite late, I thought maybe brunch was a great idea”

“Good morning, yeah, it’s fine” I said and he turned of the stone, cleaning his hands and coming closer to me, only to gently cup my face on his hands and get me to look straight into his arms.

“How are you feeling?” he asked softly as his thumb caressed my cheek.

“I’m much better”

“Really?” he asked and I just nodded, earning a grin “good”

“Do you need help?”

“No, it’s okay, I’m almost done, do you want to go to the living room?”

“No, I want to stay” I said going to sit on the counter beside where he was previously “I thought you’re gone when I woke up”

“No, I’d never do that”

“I know, I kind of feel bad for thinking that about you now that you’re here and have all of this done”

“No, don’t, it’s okay, but just so you know, I’d never leave you alone, only if you asked me to” he said as he got back to what he was doing.

“Yeah, it’s just that sometimes I forget that you’re not like any other guy I’ve dated... not that I think of you that way or something, it’s just that not many guys I know sleep here... not that you’re...”

“I got it, it’s okay” he said chuckling lightly and squeezing my knee gently to comfort me.

“Oh, yeah, hm, okay”

“Y/N, it’s okay, loosen up a bit, it’s just me, Peter”

“Okay, it’s just, I’m not used to this, okay?”

“Used to what?”

“Someone like you”

“Like me?”

“Yeah, like... sweet and caring, that would you al you’ve done yesterday and today for me”

“You should, though”

“It’s impossible, that’s the kind of thing only Peter would do”

“It’s not, if I can do it, anyone can, besides... that’s how you deserve to be treated, you shouldn’t expect nothing more”

“You’re too good for this world”

“No, you are” he said placing his hand just above my knee and looked at me, his beautiful almost honey colored eyes boring into mine “it’s ready”

“What’s ready?”

“The food, sweetheart”

“Oh, shit, sorry” I said hoping off the counter and starting to grab the tray, making him giggle.

“Leave that to me, go to the living room and pick a movie”

“Okay” I said and did what he suggested.

When I got to the living room the coffee table was settled as beautiful coffee table, with so much food I can’t even name it. There was a little vase with a tiny daisy arrangement on it. My heart was so tight in my chest and I had to suppress a sub from bubbling of my chest, Peter Mendes is perfect and I don’t even know if he knows that. He came in a few moments later, balancing everything in a bigger tray and placing it down alongside everything that was already there. He sat down on the floor and I did the same beside him, and with that, Peter pulled my legs over his lap gently to pull the table closer to us.

Sitting there, watching Brooklyn99 with him, stuffed with the best brunch I’ve ever had I allowed myself to think what would be like to date someone like him. Peter was so perfect and it’d be fantastic to be with someone like him. I wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving me after our first time, or hitting on someone else, or thinking I’m weird and judging me for who I am, for finding ridiculous my problems, for him putting himself first all the time, for him to just do things boyfriends aren’t supposed to. But if I’m being honest, maybe there are guys like him out there, the only thing is that I never get to have them and I’m always stuck with people like Joshua.

Maybe I am the problem of this. Maybe I’m not good enough and that’s probably why Peter never saw me that way, hell, not even Joshua saw me that way and he’s the worst. I just wish things could be different, that I could end up with someone like Peter, or even Shawn and Raul, they’re all amazing as a human being and as a significant other. Maybe I’m not supposed to have a happy ending. I didn’t even noticed I started crying again, not until Peter carefully grabbed my chin and made me look at him, and there it was, that look of concern on his face.

“I’m okay” I whispered breathlessly  and he shook his head, pulling me into his arms again and pressing his lips to my forehead.

“It’s okay, don’t hold it back, let it all out” he said softly as he rubbed my back up and down.

And that was all it took for me to start crying all over again in his arms as he rocked me back and forth delicately. After what felt like ages later, I finally stopped crying but didn’t dare to move, just stayed there, being completely inebriated by his scent.

“I’m sorry” it came out barely as a whisper.

“Stop apologizing, it’s okay, I’m here for you” he said and I couldn’t control the whimper that I let out, almost sounding like a pained puppy “what’s wrong, sweetheart?” he asked and I just shook my head “you can tell me, it’s clearly hurting you, is it something I did? Or what Joshua said?”

“It’s just... why can’t I be with someone like you? Why do I always have to pick the wrong guy? I don’t know, there’s just probably something wrong with me and now you probably you think I’m pathetic and whiny and a complete idiot, I just don’t deserve you”

“You’re not pathetic and whiny and a complete idiot, and anyone who thinks that is completely wrong” he said brushing some strands of hair that fell on my face behind my ear, then cupping my jaw, placing his thumb above my lips, swiping it gently “what Joshua said to you is simply bullshit and I wish I could take it all back, the only thing you don’t deserve here is to be treated like that by someone who doesn’t deserve you, he’s just not good enough for you. Second of all, there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re perfect, Y/N, and I’m not saying this because you’re my best friend, I’m just saying that because it’s the truth. You’re the smartest, kindest, sweetest and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, and any guy who has the chance to have you is the luckiest bastard on earth, you deserve the whole damn world, and if I could give it to you, I would’ve already”

“Pete... I’m so...” I tried to say but he simply shook his head lightly and caressed my bottom lip with his thumb, as if to say he’s not finished yet in the cutest way I’ve ever seen.

“And last, I’ve always asked myself the same question... ‘why can’t she be with someone like me? What do I have to do for her to notice me?’ and I never really got an answer, but I also never asked you”

“What?”

“What what?”

“You wanted...?”

“If I wanted you?” he completed lowly and chuckled sadly “yes, I’ve always wanted you and still do, just never got the guts to tell you”

“You want me?” I asked and he nodded patiently, with expectation written all over his face “I... don’t lie to me”

“I’d never lie to you and you know that”

“This is not funny”

“It isn’t meant to be”

“Peter... you like me?”

“Sweetheart... I fell for you hard so many years ago and was never able to recover”

“But... you had a date... and girls before”

“I know, I had to try to forget you for the sakes of our friendship, and you had a boyfriend, if I just sat at home and imagined that motherfucker with you on valentine’s day, probably not doing what you deserve would drive me mad, I had to try and do something to keep my mind busy and try to move on”

“You like me” I said completely in shock.

“Mhmm”

“Shit” I said covering my face with my hands and he quickly grabbed my wrists, pulling them away from my face.

“Don’t do this, don’t let this change anything, please, I can’t afford to loose you”

“This changes everything, Peter, how do you expect not to?”

“I just... I don’t to loose you”

“And you’re not, it’s just... I don’t think I’m ready...”

“Ready?”

“To have something right now”

“Okay, I’m lost now”

“Oh God, you don’t know?”

“What?!”

“Peter! I fell for you ages ago”

“What?! When?! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I never thought you liked me back, and also... well, I thought it was obvious”

“Of course not! Not even the guys noticed”

“Well...”

“It’s okay if you aren’t ready to try anything, I get it, I don’t want to rush you”

“Really?”

“Of course, sweetheart” he said pressing his lips to my forehead.

“You’re too good to be true” I said and he giggled.

“Am not, just tell me whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting”

“Even if it takes... I don’t know... a year?”

“I hope not, but yeah, even if it takes a whole year, or two, or whatever, I’ve been waiting for years now”

“Thank you, Peter” I said hugging him tightly.

                                                      -*-

Two weeks. That’s what it took me to call Peter. He spent the whole day with me and then left to do some work stuff he needed, but not before he asked me to call him if I ever needed anything, cause he hoped he never had to find out from his brothers that I was crying ever again.

“Hey, sweetheart, you okay?”

“Yeah, I was... what are you doing?”

“I just finished a project, why?”

“I was wondering if you’re free tonight...”

“I am, what’re thinking?”

“Hm... nothing in particular, just wanted to see you”

“Oh, okay, when can I come over?”

“Whenever you can, I’m already here”

“Okay, I just gotta change and...”

“Can you stay the night?” I asked biting my lower lip interrupting him.

“Oh, hm... yeah, is it okay? I mean... you want it?”

“I do... so... are you... staying?”

“Yes, yes I will”

“Okay, thank you”

“Sure, sweetheart, see you in twenty?”

“Mhmmm”

“Bye” he said and I hung up, starting to get the house clean and everything in place.

Peter showed up nearly half and hour later and came in, just like I told him to do on the text I sent him. The house was barely illuminated by some scented candles and the TV, there were Italian food in small containers and a bottle of wine on my coffee table and a rom-com by netflix ready to start. He stood by the door with a shocked expression all over his face and I walked to him on the hoodie he left here on valentine’s day and my favorite pair of fuzzy socks. He looked down at me, realization finally hitting him as he smiled, wrapping his arms around my middle as I did the same with his torso.

“What is this all about?”

“I feel like I ruined valentine’s day for you... so I just wanted to do something nice”

“This is really nice, sweetheart, and you look sooo good”

“So do you” I said placing my hand on his chest and glancing down at his jeans and hoodie. God, why does he had to always look so comfy and like a stuffed animal, ready for cuddles “wanna get comfy and come back here?”

“Whatever you say” he said kissing the top of my head and letting go of me to change into a pair of sweatpants.

He came back few minutes later and sat down beside, with his arm on the backrest of the couch. We ate and laughed at the movies, coming closer to each other kind of naturally. After my third glass of wine and desert, I had my head on his chest and he had his lips pressed to my hair, as his fingers combed through it, my legs were over his lap and his arms around me. He just smelled so good and felt so comfortable that I didn’t even think of what I was doing, I just looked up to admire his features on the dim lit room. His cheeks were rosy and his hair a mess, he was wearing his glasses which made him look even hotter, and right now, I couldn’t separate what a completely sober me and half a bottle of wine down me thought. Okay, to be fair, I’m not drunk, just a bit more brave. I just really wanted to taste those pink lips of his.

“Whatcha thinking?” he mumbled as he looked down at me.

“Hmm... nothing, just how good you look and...”

“And...?”

“How much I... shit, sorry” I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t stop starring at his lips.

“It’s okay, tell me” He whispered pressing his forehead on mine.

That’s when I couldn’t resist anymore, that’s when I kissed him. He seemed chocked at first, but he quickly pulled me closer and kissed me back. My hands got lost in his soft curls as his wandered up my body, in a way he hadn’t before, and I’m not complaining. I quickly decided to straddled his thighs and sat on his lap, pulling his wild hair making him let out a soft moan. He’s going to kill me. His lips were like heaven against mine, making my head go dizzy, due to the way they felt and the taste of wine only making it harder to resist. One of his hands grabbed my waist while the other cupped my jaw and the back of my head, as if to keep me in place, and I couldn’t resist any sound when he squeezed me tighter against him, so he took the opportunity to lick into my mouth as if it was the best thing that ever happened in his life.

“I’m sorry, I just really needed to do that” I quickly said as I pulled back for air.

“Sorry? Sweetheart, you can do it whenever you want” He said with the cutest blush on his cheeks and a small smile on his swollen lips.

“Can I?”

“Are you ready?”

“For what?”

“To be mine and to be treated like you really deserve?”

“Yes, Peter, but I thought you knew”

“Knew what?” he asked playing dumb with a boyish grin plastered on his face.

“That I’m yours”

“Hmm, good to know” he said placing a sweet pack on my lips “can I start treating you better?”

“Did you just used one of your brother’s song on me?”

“Did it work?”

“You’re spending too much time with Raul, or even Shawn”

“Did it work?”

“It might have” I said unable to stop a smiling from forming on my lips.

“Great, can I take you to your room?” he asked as his nose brushed mine “I’m not going to do what you don’t want, I want to take you a proper date before we take this way too far”

“You really are prince charming” I said and I saw his cheeks heating up and reddening “whatever you say, Peter, I trust you”

“Good, I’m in love with you, Y/N, just for the record” he said as blowed of a few of the candles that were still lit and he picked me up.

“I’m love with you too, Peter” I said laying my head on his shoulder and finally feeling loved.

Maybe I was wrong after all. That was one of the best days of my life.

                                                       -*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo

-🌙

: @fivefeetapartt

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Days 276-280

December 13-17 Maybe I just haven't had too much to say lately, or maybe I have just been hit with the one-two punch of ennui and busyness. We were supposed to leave yesterday for our trip to North Carolina, so I spent several days getting ready for that. The only thing worse than trying to get the house set up for a trip of several weeks in length is doing it knowing that people are going to come in while we're gone. I was able to put off the pest control people by telling them we were quarantining, which had the advantage of being absolutely true, but it also gave me extra time to clean the kitchen and the bathrooms which were the places they wanted to spray. Thank god we don't actually have bugs, those sprayings are much more invasive. This time I didn't have to empty out the cabinets or anything, just clean stuff. So a lot of time the past few days has been spent packing and cleaning. I even got down on my literal hands and knees to wash the kitchen floor. (My kitchen is so small that it doesn't make a lot of sense to use a mop.) It looks nicer now than it has in ages, tbh, just in time for us to be gone. Those pest control folks had better be very impressed. I also did more advanced planning for this trip than I usually do, packing my yarn bags and the toiletries kit several days in advance instead of my usual strategy of throwing in anything that is around on my way out the door. I was so proud of myself! Even my suitcase looks nice, everything folded and in the right place, and with the straps on to make sure it doesn't shift around too much.  Then Wednesday rolled around  and we didn't go. See it turns out that Kiddo had a standardized test to do that afternoon, the MAP test for those of you who follow such things. I cannot begin to express what kind of bullshit it is to make the kids do  standardized tests in a year like this, but it is what it is. We could've just ignored it, but I want to take the kiddo to the sea island where my folks spend the late winter for a little bit in February, and we will be better positioned to do that if we don't piss off the school too much with absences. Wednesdays are supposed to be asynchronous learning days, ideal for traveling, but instead we'd have had to stick around until nearly 3pm before heading out for a six and a half hour drive. Couple that with a gnarly winter storm weather forecast and we elected to push the trip forward by a day.  It was the right decision, but it did mean that the kiddo missed a partial day since my hotspot could not keep up with streaming his classwork once we left. He was there in the morning though, and that's when they take attendance. I made sure he did his homework. Tomorrow is the last day before break anyway, I doubt they were piling too much new stuff on. We had a brief scare when the car threw us a "bad key" error as we were trying to leave, but got it resolved and made excellent time with only one stop along the way. There was a lot of traffic! I listened to the entire soundtrack of 10 Things I Hate About You, my favorite 90s nostalgia album. Every song a banger, I tell you what. Anyway, we arrived about an hour before it started to snow, and early enough so that we could help MIL get into her book club Zoom meeting, so that was good.  Man, computers have really been a thing this week. The Red Cross rolled out a new system for getting people hooked up with services and emergency funds after a disaster, and it is _fucking awful._ It is so, so, so bad. It went live on Tuesday, and wouldn't you know it, Tuesday night I had my first call of the week. It wasn't a great call to start with, not a lot of information, some of it thirdhand, fire department no longer on scene. It's the sort of call where I would usually have to do a little extra poking the system and maybe make a couple extra calls to get everything perfect, but where it wouldn't be too big a deal. But because I marked one checkbox incorrectly on one page of this 25 page one-way flow, the system wouldn't let me set up the financial aid and it wouldn't tell me what was wrong or how to fix it.  I had to apologize to the client and tell him I would call him back because I had to figure out what was wrong. Figuring out what was wrong required contacting my coordinator, who three way called me with our area leader, who eventually put me into a Teams meeting via phone with two of her supervisors, while one person in that meeting simultaneously connected to the national watch floor so somebody could give us some goddamned technical support. (I tried calling the new tech support hotline, but they said they couldn't help me and I'd have to talk to my supervisor who had told me to call them in the first place.) So this all takes about an hour, which is actually pretty fast given all the moving parts involved and the fact that nobody knows shit about this one-day-old system, but is a long time when you have just had a fire and have young children and no place to stay. Finally, about a zillion steps up the Red Cross food chain from me, somebody is able to access the system and do the required approval (I had put a 1 instead of a 2 in what was apparently an extremely important box), and the financial assistance went through. I was able to help the client and it turned out okay, but it was HORRIBLE. I have done another call and talked to several people since then, and none of us can find one thing that the new system has made better, only things that are worse. It sucks. At least I go off shift for the month tonight.  Anyway, that was my week, but we finished our quarantine and now I am in North Carolina and that is good. MIL is happy for the company and Victoria and Tanika the cats have not tried to kill each other yet, and it's nice. Tomorrow we pickup groceries and try to get a Christmas tree, which are in short supply this year. But for now, rest! 

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

12/31/2020 (14 months after the event)

Happy New Years!

It has been a rather weird year, hasn’t it? While some days from this year feel like they were only yesterday, others feel like half a decade ago. To be quite frank, the same applies to the last time I saw you. I’m sure if you saw this you would go “blah blah, you say the same thing every time you write.” While this is true, I can’t help it. I started taking new medication, as of 14 days ago. My psychiatrist, I have one of those now-- along with a therapist haha, recommended me getting put on escitalopram for my severe anxiety. It’s always been pretty bad, but over the course of the past 14 months, it has skyrocketed pretty high. Isn’t it strange how our minds develop as we get older? Survival of the fittest? Or is it just adaptation? The human body is pretty neat, let alone our brain. 

I was going through my photos the other day, and got the sudden urge to delete all of them. Of course, I’m not as crazy as just upright deleting them-- so I uploaded all of them onto a drive, and then deleted them from my phone. All of them. Decided it was time for a fresh start, why not start with the one thing I open every day, right? I decided earlier today, about a week after I deleted all of my photos, that I would go into my drive to try and find a photo from September that I downloaded from a manga I was reading. Of course I got sidetracked, I scrolled to 2014 and was going through all of my old photos with my brother and my family, and then suddenly I got to 2017 and there it was. The black and white photo of you and I at the parking deck, both of us laughing as hard as we possibly could. I smiled softly of course, as the beautiful memory came rushing over me. But then something hit me. For some reason, this isn’t how I remember you. My brain forgot what you looked like, or at least started trying to. It’s been about a year since I last saw a photo of you. While the brain is so incredibly amazing, it has a bad habit of memories starting to fade, especially when it’s a person attached to bad memories as well. It works in some cases, where people are trying to forget-- but even still it does the opposite and leaves the person going “Why can’t I forget you!?”. Strange, right? The human mind is so beautiful. I can still hear you talking to me sometimes, if I try hard enough. Lately, I haven’t been so hard on myself. I’m trying to figure myself out still, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is okay that I still love you. I know I more than likely always will. That’s what love is, right? Being able to love and never losing that love, no matter what happens. 

All of this being said, I figured I would kind of recap everything that has happened in the wonderful year of 2020. It has been one hell of a ride.

January, the month of my brother’s 15th birthday. He was so happy and we all celebrated his birthday with him the following weekend. We also went hiking the same month, while it was cold; my mother, brother, and I had a blast. This month was mostly just working and being lazy on my off days. I had a fall out with my best friend.

February, I had a love hate relationship with this month. I tried dating someone new, I saw that you had gotten in a relationship two months prior and figured it was time for me to try and move on as well. Needless to say, dude was a douchebag and was a very violent individual. I left him within 3 weeks. My birth father, his newlywed wife, my cousin from my favorite uncle, whom I had never met until then, and I all went to Ruby Falls. It was quite a beautiful journey. Whilst I fought with my father, it turned out to be an okay experience. Later in the month, I ended up getting into a fight with my landlord, who was demanding that I pay extra, even though I was not behind on any payments. I ended up cooperating with them, so that I didn’t lose my home. I celebrated my little sister’s fifth birthday.

March, I lost my job. Millions and millions of other people did as well. Covid-19 struck the world. I took it lightly and just assumed that yet again, the media was blowing things out of proportion. My landlord wasn’t understanding of the fact I was put out of work, along with millions of others. They ended up being generous for the month after I showed them statistics. I ended up being lazy, doing nothing but watching Netflix and Disney plus for the entire month.

April, Corona Virus was boring at this point. We had all been told, “Oh! We’ll all be open for business again in the next two weeks!”. That was the first week of March, and it was now April. The government didn’t give us any kind of help until the last week, so that kind of fucked me. I spent most days laying in bed on TikTok. I also got super into streaming in the beginning of this month, and my platform was finally starting to take off.

May, unemployed for two months. I debated taking a job at a warehouse. Unfortunately, the media deterred me from doing so. There was a spike of cases in my state; it was terrifying. I didn’t leave my house much. I got my dog, for the first time in 4 years. It was beautiful, I cried. He was so happy to be back home. I started a routine of watching anime every morning at 7 am and then going for a walk. I wanted to get back into a daily routine, regardless if I had a job or not. I was falling behind on bills, and I really needed to distract myself. I started getting into digital art, rather than traditional, for the first time ever. I stopped making my music.

June, I reconnected with a lot of old online friends from 2013. It was strange and I didn’t really know how to feel about it. It was nostalgic in a way, spending late nights on discord calls. I didn’t really enjoy it all too much, I felt like it all needed to stay in the past. I started anti-depressants, again. This time it was Prozac. It made me feel extremely drowsy, and made me feel out of body most of the time. I tried to date, again. An old friend that I had from 2013, we reconnected and even though they were out of state, I decided-- “Hey, maybe this will be good for me. I don’t have to worry about them getting aggressive with me, we can take things slow, and we can pace ourselves.” Oh man, if only I knew. He flew down to my state, met the family, was extremely respectful and even stayed in a hotel the first trip. Everything seemed to be going okay.

July, my 21st birthday. Did I drink? No. Sounds crazy, right? I had about half a drink, and decided I just didn’t want any. I had stopped taking my antidepressants, the new boyfriend had said that I wasn’t acting right. It fed into my suspicion, that the meds weren’t doing a whole lot for me. They were just making me really sleepy and on edge all the time. The new boyfriend had come down again for my birthday and mother’s birthday, since we share the same birth week. Celebrated with my mom, her best friend, and I. July was pretty hectic, since I had decided I would be moving to West Virginia on August 5, 2020.

August, I moved to West Virginia. I packed up all of my belongings, uprooted everything I had ever known, hugged my family goodbye, and got into the back of a truck with a u-haul attached to it. I rode in the back of the vehicle for 14 hours, fell asleep in Kentucky, woke up in Ohio. It was daylight by the time we approached West Virginia. It was so beautiful, all of the mountains. I was moving into the house in which he lived in, which his sister was next door on one side, and his parents on the other side. We had the nice river breeze, since Ohio river was within eyesight. I lived in the Tri-state area so it was Pennsylvania on one side, Ohio on the other, and us-- five minutes to each state. It was a good first couple of days. Then we got into our first fight. I was unable to work, since I left my car behind. Luckily, I had saved up a bunch of money for me to be able to buy one. He hit me with really low blows, saying I didn’t need to work-- since women weren’t good for that kind of thing. It hurt, to be honest. I had never seen him like this before, in the eight years I had known of his existence. He had been with me in my hometown for three weeks and not once acted like this. I walked on eggshells, bought a car with my hard earned money, then got a management job at the Domino’s that was ten minutes from my town I was living in. Towards the end of the month, he got aggressive with me. He stopped working the same week I had moved in, he had no car. He had no ambition, he decided to just give up. Maybe that’s what I tried to see, maybe-- just maybe I could help him find some ambition. I wanted to save him, in a way? We got into a severe fight, I couldn’t take it anymore-- I fought back, and he ended up swinging on me.

September, I packed all of my belongings that I could into my tiny little Toyota, and left in the middle of the night. I had one thing on my mind, and that was to go to my mom’s house. My mother had known how bad he had gotten, since he acted such a way with my mother on the phone, unknowingly. I drove for 15 hours, well 13 but with rest stops to nap for a bit since I was running off of no sleep, but I finally ended up back home. I ended up staying with my mom for a bit. Later had to relocate, so I moved in with an old friend. Started streaming again.

October, Worked. Literally worked the entire month, my entire existence fell into dread. I became overly aware of how much time had passed. I felt like I had been doing nothing. I dreaded the last day of the month, every day just gave me more and more sadness.  I didn’t want the day to come. I started dreaming of you more and more and more. Halloween came, I decided to look at it differently, I started to thank you-- rather than try to hate you. I came to the conclusion that I would never hate you.

November, Thanksgiving! I started to become grateful, moved back into my mom’s house. It was a bumpy ride, but I managed to get back into the habit of doing healthy things. Started going to the gym again, drinking more water. I told my father he was dead to me, haven’t spoken to him since. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my real family, my mother and her best friend’s family. They watched me grow up since the day I was born. It was so much better than any other holiday I had ever had up to this date.

December, I started a new form of medicine. This time it was for anxiety, since that’s the main factor of my illness-- or so we think so far. I am on escitalopram, and I started it the week before Christmas. I got to see my real family again. It was nice, but this time I got to reunite with my childhood best friend for the first time in fifteen years. It was so lovely. I have become almost bedridden again, but it won’t last long-- since it’s just a side effect of my medicine. I also got to see some friends from high school, but then I realized-- they’re the exact same way they’ve been since the beginning. They wanted nothing but to talk about drama. It just isn’t my thing, I don’t like dealing with people much anymore, because of the constant drama. I’ve learned a lot about people changing, and the lack thereof.

I think this year has been a year full of lessons for me, and it has been tough. As they say, there’s no pleasure without pain, no pain no gain, right? This year has taught me a lot about myself and the people around me, and I am extremely grateful for the things I have experienced. I’ve learned so much about who I am as a person. I’ve grown a lot, while this year has kicked my ass. I have high hopes for the next year. For the first time, since 2016, I finally see a future in myself, by myself. 

To New Beginnings, Lovebug.

I love you, always.

22:27

[officialcolumbiauniversity]

impostor syndrome in STEM

This is a post I wrote before Columbia required students to move out due to the pandemic.

February 25. I thought I’d write about this because I was reading a blog post about impostor syndrome to make myself feel better and remembered I have a blog. And people would probably like to hear what I’m thinking.

I spent all of yesterday in lab, which if you don’t remember from my last post is brand-spankin’-new and super fancy and is all sorts of out of my league knowledge-wise. My PI and I chatted about what project I’d start working on, and afterwards I stuck around to ask him questions about the laser lab because I realized that I wasn’t really asking questions when it was him and the grad students with me. So I felt safe asking the questions I did, which included “why don’t we have to lint-roll our entire body if we have to dust our shoes before entering the lab?” (the answer was efficiency) and “what’s the point in having two lenses if one makes the laser smaller and the other just makes it bigger again?” (the answer had something to do with focusing and cleaning the beam) and other questions that I thought were inane and stuff I should have been able to understand from the papers I read. He was very nice about answering all my questions and walking me through a dumbed-down version of optics in general.

I told my PI after that I don’t ask a lot of questions in lab because I can’t tell the difference between questions that I should know the answer to and waste everyone’s time, and questions that would actually create productive discussion. And he responded that there’s no such thing as a dumb question, which of course I already know since professors say that all the time. But I didn’t realize until this morning how much I do believe there is such a thing as a dumb question, and that I ask too many of them.

The thing is, I truly feel as though I’m not smart enough to make it as a scientist. I feel like everything I think of has already been thought and answered, and I can’t remember the last time I had an original thought. I feel like I ask questions that a tourist would ask, not questions that someone about to get involved in the research would ask. 

I think that this blog makes me look like a STEM major who knows what they’re doing and is enthusiastic about their career as a scientist, wherever it may take them. But I just want to make it clear that I am not effortlessly enthusiastic about it: most of the time I’m paralyzed by fear about not making it into a top 10 chem grad school and then either becoming a lab tech for the rest of my scientific career or going into a different field and wasting this expensive-ass degree. I have a sub-3.0 GPA, and it’s preventing me from applying for fellowships that literally everyone seems to do, like SURF in the bio department, which sophomores and freshmen get effortlessly. I’m terrified for this summer because if I don’t figure something out soon I’m going to waste the last summer I have, the only summer where I can actually create connections and a network to figure something out post-grad. And obviously I can’t apply to grad schools with a 2-something GPA. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

But it’s not just my GPA that bothers me. These classes I’m taking, like right now I’m taking linear algebra and physics, should be easy As. I love both subjects and I feel like I’ve mastered the material we’ve covered so far and I feel confident solving p-sets. But when I go to pick up my graded p-sets, I have to flip through everyone else’s 15/15s and 41/42s to find my 9/15 and 38/42. These are classes that I’m over-prepared for, classes that are filled with freshmen, classes where professors go out of their way to help everyone get the highest grade possible. And to see myself get average and below-average grades is bewildering and beyond disheartening.

I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself “science isn’t about good grades it’s about being a curious and thorough researcher,” but then I come into the research lab and can’t think of a single other question than ones about the technicalities of the lab set-up. I ask about mirrors and lasers and why the room is always dark, when I feel like I should be asking questions about -- well I honestly don’t even know. Like the math or concepts or something. I ended up dropping a class that I was really excited about taking this semester, because it’s a grad course and I felt uncomfortable asking questions so I just fell too far behind. Other students asked really thoughtful questions and I just asked questions about notation.

So, yeah. That’s how I feel a majority of the time. I wonder every day what makes me cut out for my major, and if I’m trying hard enough. I don’t even know if I should be going into academia, because I’m not exactly excited by the idea of being plagued with impostor syndrome my whole career, no matter how many other people also experience it. 

But I haven’t ever stopped trying in my major. And I guess that’s my point, at least of this post: I’m hopeful that science isn’t about having the grades or knowing everything, in the long run. I’m hopeful that whatever I have right now is worth something, and that I’ll be able to build a career I love on top of it. But the purpose of this post was just to let you guys know that for many undergrads here preparing for STEM careers, there’s no amount of prestige that can get rid of these insecurities. For example, even if I did get into my dream grad school (Stanford), I’d be constantly worried that I fluffed my application to make myself look good and they let me in unwittingly. So, no, being in a major I love doesn’t protect me from all the post-undergrad anxieties.

Update: it’s March 29, the day I’m posting this, and as you well know COVID-19 is in full swing in the US. Columbia was quick to send all students home, and ultimately decided that this semester would be graded on a pass/fail basis for all students, with no exceptions. If you’re unfamiliar with the system, the key piece of info is that Pass grades have no weight on your GPA, but Fail grades do (as a 1.0). Many people argue that a mandatory P/F system is beneficial to students who can’t study under their current situations, and I agree with that. I personally can’t study effectively in my situation. But I’m also panicking over the fact that I won’t be able to boost my GPA this semester, leaving me with a shitty GPA for yet another year (if we return in the fall). Many internships I was in the process of applying to will be revoked, if not because of the pandemic then because my personal statement claiming “my GPA by the start of this internship will have been brought up by my efforts this semester” will be absolutely inaccurate. Applying to grad school in the fall is a laughable wish; I’ll need to take a gap year most likely, since I won’t be able to land a job. What I really need is for Passes to weigh as 4.0s, but I doubt the university will do that. Anyways, that was just an update on the GPA part of the rant above. Hope y’all are staying safe.

[nomorelonelydays]

kick your pretty feet up on my dash

Part 1 | Part 2

 -

Two days after the Instagram account opens, Sidney unofficially gets put on naming duty.

 The strawberry shortcake biscuit is named The Taylor.

 The cream cheese-stuffed banana muffins, crusted with dark chocolate ganache, is The Fleury.

 The slice of warm spiced peach cobbler (available for just two weeks), topped with a generous portion of thick, whipped cream and vanilla ice cream, is The Deidre.

 He shares the account password with her, but she seems more interested in digging up her mom’s old recipes from an ancient box filled with yellowed index cards than photographing.

 “I’ll leave that up to you,” she says, then passes him a card titled, ‘Cherry Layer Chocolate Cake.’ “I think I’ll make this for the holidays. What do you think?”

 Deidre makes just one and a half cakes for a trial run (the other half, which had come out lopsided, is sitting in the back of Sidney’s fridge). It’s another instant hit.

 Sidney watches a couple, two teenagers who are making it pretty painfully obvious that they’re on their first date, split a slice in a corner seat. She’s chasing the cherry around the plate with her fork, and he watching her like she hung the literal moon. He laughs a little too hard at her jokes, his eyes crinkling like Geno’s when he’s chirping Sidney. But with the way she’s beaming, it’s clear that she doesn’t mind at all.

 He’s not jealous—or, at least, he doesn’t think he’s jealous. Having hockey and having a boyfriend have always been mutually exclusive. But now, with no obligations to the NHL, he’s supposedly free to do everything that he’s wanted to. He doesn’t dwell too long on it though, because the last thing he needs is to have an existential spiral in Deidre’s store over whether or not he’s missed his his golden hour to be happy the exact minute the Penguins drafted him all those years ago.

 He finishes lettering the card for the cherry chocolate cake and slides ‘The Jack’ neatly into its proper holder.

-

Geno calls him on Thursday nights now, like clockwork. He’s grateful for the routineness of it, especially when he knows how much Geno lives on spontaneity. It’s always the same—updates on how the team is doing (good, the weather over in Pittsburgh (not so good), another dumb prank the rookies are trying to pull (hilarious, but slightly unoriginal with the shaving cream), even though it’ll never be as good as the ones Flower used to plan.

 “How are you?” Geno asks one night, while Sidney is puttering around the kitchen to figure out what he wants to make for dinner. “Your tomatoes grow?”

 “I think those are a goner,” Sidney grimaces. The entire plant had shriveled up weeks ago, despite Sidney faithfully watering them. “Guess I’ll just have to stick with the storebought ones.”

 Geno is silent for a bit. Then, “Is quiet in locker room without you.”

 Sidney pauses. “I doubt that’s true.” There’s plenty of rookies every year, eager to prove themselves on the ice and to establish themselves as a personality on the team. Besides, Sidney has never been the life of the party—that’s always been Geno himself.

 “No, is quieter.” Geno sounds like he’s swallowing a yawn. “Different without you.”

 Sidney’s heart flounders, and he has to blink a couple of times before his throat unclogs. “Maybe you should get to sleep. It’s pretty late over there.”

 “No, I’m not tired,” Geno mumbles, sounding very drowsy. Sidney can almost picture Geno, hair-mussed and sleepy eyes about to close as he curls up on his mattress. “Want to keep talking.”

 “I know you have practice tomorrow, G,” Sidney says. “You have the C now, you can’t get there two hours late anymore.”

 “I’m never late,” Geno huffs. “You too early.”

 “Get some rest,” Sidney says gently. “I’ll still be here next week, same as usual.”

 “Maybe I call tomorrow.’

 “I won’t go anywhere.”

 “Wish you still here, Sid,” he murmurs. “Miss you so bad, some days.”

 Sidney doesn’t miss a beat. “I miss you, too,” he whispers, because any louder and he knows his voice will crack. “I’ll be here tomorrow. And the day after, if you still want to call.”

 “Okay,” Geno says. “Okay.”

 -

 Sidney’s restocking the brioche rolls when Deidre’s voice casually pipes up from the coffee machine, “You have a secret admirer, you know.”

 “I know. It’s Samantha. PTA President,” Sidney says, trying to not sound exasperated. He only knows her name and title because she must’ve giggled it at him as a greeting every single time she’s marched in. “She asked me what the main ingredient was in the banana muffins and I told her banana like, three times.”

 “She just likes to hear you say banana. And no, it’s not Sam.” Deidre makes a come hither motion with her hands and slides a napkin towards Sidney. “Yesterday afternoon, there was a young man, maybe around his 30s, who stopped by for a latte and he asked where you were.”

 “Oh.” There’s something he can’t name fluttering in his stomach. The words on the napkin scrawled out, Jeremy, and a string of numbers. “What did you say?”

 “I told him, ‘He’s a cute one, isn’t he? He’s the store eye candy, bringing in all the sales.’”

 “Dee, you didn’t.”

 “I did, and he went full red. It was adorable. And I told him that you pop in in the mornings and in the afternoon to help with opening and closing.” She leans forward, grinning. “I’m just saying, think about it.”

 He thinks about it.

 At night, he tells Geno, “I think I have a secret admirer. Or a stalker.”

 Geno’s voice suddenly becomes infinitely more awake. “Have what? Someone stand outside your house? I read about this before, you need call police.”

 “No, it was at the bakery. I got his number on a napkin. Well, the owner gave me his name on a napkin, so I don’t really know what he looks like. He could be 100. People in this town are usually…around that age range.”

 Geno still sounds perplexed. “So say no.”

 “What?”

 “Say sorry, only go on dates with girls. But thank you.”

 Sidney’s brain feels like it’s stuttering to a pause. “Geno, what the fuck?”

 “What?”

 “I don’t ‘only go on dates with girls.’ I—” Well, to be quite fair, he hasn’t gone on any dates at all. “You know this.”

 It takes a full ten seconds for Geno to crackled back to life on the line again. His voice is hesitant. “You only bring girls to events. Like Halloween, or—”

 “They’re my friends, I’ve told you. I’m not going to bring a guy in front of you guys,” he exclaims, then reigns in his voice. His heart is beating like a jackhammer boring straight through. “Hey, listen, I have a pretty early day tomorrow, I’ll talk to you next week, okay?”

 “Sid, wait—”

 He hangs up and puts his phone face down on the nightstand. It’s not his proudest moment.

 -

 I’m sorry(((, the text reads. The timestamp indicates that the message had been sent at 2 AM. You should go on a date with secret guy. Maybe he’s secret Ryan Reynolds.

 Geno’s texts are never longer than five words, usually cryptic versions of a yes or no, accompanied by eyeless smilies. Sidney wonders if he’d been painstakingly worrying over each word since Sidney hastily ended the conversation.

 I don’t think he’s Ryan Reynolds, Sidney sends back. Besides, no one in this town knows hockey. That’s gonna be a problem.

 Geno’s reply is instantaneous, as if he’d been waiting.

 Picky)))))

More messages follow in quick succession, before Sidney can even start typing. 

But always best for u. Deserve the best only.

 He laces up his shoes and heads to Dee’s.

 -

 It snows a little mid-December.

 He helps Deidre with the decorations, hanging up tinsel and little snowflake cutouts on the window. She has a box of Christmas lights stored away in a dusty box from the attic, which definitely looks like they haven’t been disturbed since the 80s, but the one of the bulbs dies with a sad fizz the moment Sidney plugs it in. So they have to make do with the other nonflammable options.

 The store looks nice. ‘Well-loved’ is a better word for it, with its mismatched decorations and ancient garlands. He snaps a photo of the mini tree on the counter for Instagram before he goes to help Deidre frost the rest of the ornament-shaped sugar cookies.

 There’s commotion on the streets from all the tourists and families coming back for the holidays. He thinks about flying to Nova Scotia for the holidays, but then he realizes that none of Deidre’s children will be coming to Cardwell Point.

 “They’re busy,” she shrugs indifferently, but she turns her back to Sidney as she busies herself with rearranging the shelfs. “It’s alright. That’s what Skype is for, right? Besides, I have to watch the store.”

 He thinks about Geno, who’s probably headed to Florida soon to escape the onslaught of winter chill that he absolutely abhors, no matter how much he loves the city. He could Skype Geno, or Facetime him. Except Geno would always have the angle wrong, and Sidney’s sure he’d just get an on-brand mugshot of Geno’s nostril from the bottom up for the whole conversation. 

He did ask Sidney if he wanted to go to Florida, except the way he had asked had felt like a given tagged with a question mark at the end (Florida w me this year?). Nonetheless, Sidney had been tempted.

 But he also wonders if he’d feel even more homesick when Geno is physically standing in front of him again, all tall and loud and too big, too much, too many years of his unrequited love staring at him and making Sidney think that he has a chance. He doesn’t want to go to Florida to watch Geno pick up strangers at a club.

 “I’m not going anywhere, either,” he tells her.

 She looks over, finally, pursing her lips like she’s trying to hold back her smile.

 @DeesBakeryandCafe

Season’s greetings and a happy New Year to our wonderful customers and families here in Cardwell Point. Hope everyone is spending time with their loved ones this holiday season.

-

 Winter refuses to go. The clouds hang over the streets stubbornly, and each days trudges on like it’s dragging its feet.

 He misses skating.

 He misses Geno. Especially as it gets closer to February and teenagers and adults alike start coming to the shop in twos, their gloved hands clasped together as they squeeze through Dee’s tiny corridor when it’s really much easier to be in a single-file line.

 He’s not jealous. He is not.

 But he is lonely. And really fucking cold.

 He serves up at least thirty slices of The Jack, which is apparently the most popular item these days thanks to Instagram. Deidre switches up the decoration, so the cherry-glazed design in the middle forms a big, gaudy heart. The Internet completely eats up. Sidney doesn’t understand it.

 “It’s like a Titanic reference, right?” a customer asks, as he picks up the cake for his wife. “Like, an ‘I’ll never let you go,’ kind of thing. Jack and Rose?”

 “Sure,” Sidney says. It’s really for his first childhood crush, but he can work with the Titanic.

 The moment Deidre fills her last custom order of The Jack (and there had been plenty of those, for anniversaries to birthdays to just becauses), she tells Sidney that she’s figured out how to make her mother’s cheesecake.

 “Finally worked out how to stop the goddamn filling from clotting,” she says, cutting him a slice. The cake has a brownie bottom, and the inside is perfectly creamy and smooth and dotted with dark chocolate chips. “What do you think?”

 “I’m biased,” Sidney says, trying to not scarf down the whole thing like an animal. “I love cheesecakes. This one is my favorite so far.”

 “Good,” she tells him. “You can name this one, then.”

 His fork stops mid-air. “Weren’t you going to call it ‘The Lily’?”

 She pats his arm affectionately, not unlike the day she did when Sidney told her why he ended up at Cardwell Point. “I figured she wouldn’t mind. This can be our second February special. God, I’m sick of The Jack.”

 The next week, Sidney carefully slides The Geno in its display cabinet.

 (Deidre doesn’t ask about the peculiar name. She never does, and Sidney is grateful.)

 After over a decade in the NHL, he’s well aware of what he can and can’t have. But lately he’s been feeling selfish. He snaps a photo of the cheesecake and sends it to Deidre.

It’s a good photo.

-

 “I got invited to a neighborhood potluck yesterday,” Sidney mumbles into the receiver, when Flower asks him how retirement is treating him. “I don’t know what to bring. Maybe I’ll bring something from the bakery.”

 “Do you officially work at the bakery or are you just there because the owner is blackmailing you? Does she know who you are?”

 “I just help out when I can. And no, I told you, it’s not a hockey town. They do have competitive knitting here. It’s a thing.” Sidney doesn’t have much to do these days, aside from working out and catching up on reading, which means that he does end up doing most of the latter in the café. Maybe he should take up competitive knitting. “I started an Instagram for her shop. We just hit 200 followers.”

 “You know how to do that?” Flower asks, because he’s a little shit. “I’m kidding, I know you’re not actually a senior citizen.”

 Sidney rolls his eyes. “I haven’t checked it in a while though. I let Deidre handle the posting now. It’s her shop, anyways.”

 “What’s the handle?”

 He tells him. Flower is quiet for a bit as he searches through the page. “Pretty cool, eh?”

 “Yeah,” Flower says, his voice slightly off. “Yeah, it’s—it’s good. Looks like the real deal.”

 “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course it’s the real deal.”

 Flower makes a noncommittal noise. “Nothing. Cheesecake looks good. Does Geno know?”

 “No,” Sidney says. “I mentioned the bakery once or twice. He didn’t ask. Not, uh—not after I told him about Jeremy.”

 “Secret napkin man?” Flower remembers. “You didn’t go on that date?”

 “No, I didn’t go on a date with ‘secret napkin man,’” he mimics. “I don’t think he’d care.”

 “I think he’d care.” Flower always sounds so sure when he wants to be serious, and it’s one of the things Sidney missed most when he left for Vegas—there’d been a metaphorical hollow within the team for a good few months following his departure, and that void never quite got replaced no matter what.  

 “Maybe.”

 Sidney can only hope. But he’s a little too old for hoping these days.

 -

 Foot traffic is slower when they hit March, but Deidre promises that it’ll pick up when Cardwell Point’s 11th Annual Theater Festival starts in the middle of the month, because that’s apparently the other big thing aside from the 4th of July Carnival Bash. Sidney has just packed up another dozen of red velvet cupcakes for Samantha the PTA Queen when the front bell jingles.

 “Hello? I’m look for—”

 Sidney heart leaps to his throat.

 “Sid,” Geno says softly. He looks like the wind knocked him in (it probably had), mismatched Frakenshirts and all. “Hi, Sid.”

 Samantha may as well not have even walked into the store at all.

 “How are—“ He must be imagining things. But Geno takes another step, until he’s right in front of the counter and Sidney can reach out and touch just how real he is. He hasn’t changed much--still the same eyes, the same nose and lips, and maybe his hair is a bit thinner but he still makes Sidney’s chest feel too small and too big all at once. “Where did you—how are you here?”

 “Fly,” Geno says sheepishly. “Wanted to see you.”

 “What about—”

 “No games until Friday.” He’s staring at Sidney like he’s looking his fill and he can’t get enough. “I—I see your post, and I just—buy ticket.”

 “What post?”

 Geno pulls out his phone and flips through it until he lands at a familiar Instagram account. He passes it over to Sidney, his hands warm as it brushes against Sidney’s fingers.

 @DeesBakeryCafe

‘I love you’ tastes a lot like our chocolate chip cheesecake, The Geno.

 “Oh,” Sidney breathes. “Oh.”

[cofferi]

We as a society love consuming distant obscure drama. Go on, have at it

i am SO glad you said that oh my god just take my hand in marriage already because i live and breathe salt. whether it’s my salt or other people’s salt. anyway ok so here goes the story of what’s been going on with me the last few months

so i just want you to know that i am leaving my current job to go to another job (same organization, different division, different location). and this change is happening next week. they told me yesterday. i am ECSTATIC. i have been begging to leave. i put in for a transfer 1 YEAR ago, january 2019.

so i first heard of this potential transfer early october 2019. they make me come in for a computer assessment where they test my word/excel/math skills, and they do this at a downtown location. technically they’re obligated to let you go to any internal job things on company time, but we have been so short staffed that days off are basically a rarity and you get challenged for them every time. as well, my supervisor says it’s “policy” to only give 1 hour travel time for any testing. i tell her this is literally impossible because i don’t drive and we are literally in the middle of construction for an LRT line. it would take an hour and half if not two hours to get downtown from here. she says “sorry nothing i can do” so after a lot of back and forth because i’m desperate to go to this goddamn testing to get out of here, i offer to print out a google maps with the travel time and present it to The Manager because the thing literally says “1 hour 20 mins” and that’s being generous. it’s a fight but it’s worth it because eventually she gives in. anyway so i pass the testing.

i hear nothing in november. i go in for a meeting with the potential new supervisor in early december. this also happened to be on the day of my driving test, WHICH was rescheduled to this day from another day due to a snowstorm. ignoring the fact that my nerves are frayed because i hate driving and want to get it over with, i think i’m going to be ok because the meeting is in the morning and the test is in the afternoon. EXCEPT for the fact that i can’t easily get another day off. so i literally cry in front of my supervisor. i cry like a little bitch. she gives me the time off, but she’s going to be petty and not give me the time for the meeting. fucking hell so i have to use vacation but whatever, i’m feeling like a greedy little baby for daring to ask that i get to go on company time anymore. i meet my future supervisor and she is amazing. she is so chill and nice and the environment feels way better. i also pass my driving test.

i hear nothing until jan 6 where i finally get the call that my transfer is confirmed. i’m soooo happy. then i get called into The Manager’s office today where he tells me when he got the call for reference check back in decemeber, he thought “oh so this is really happening” and he fought to push my transfer date back to at least sometime in february but they insisted on next week. so he asks me why i’m choosing to leave and i tell him. then he says just for my information he’s “taken aback” at my suggestion that i wanted to pursue this career path in the new division rather than this division. i’m kinda like what but don’t really care.

let me just paint a picture of the current situation at work. we used to have a team of over 25, now it’s down to around 12-15. i’ve only been here for a year and a half but i’ve seen like 7 people leave during my time. different people keep going off randomly for months at a time on “long term sick leave.” we have two people about to go away on maternity leave in march. they refuse to hire more people because we’re “at full complement” and “it takes 6 months to hire one person.” there’s talks of a organization-wide strike happening later this year. i haven’t seen my supervisor in awhile since she’s always away sporadically with no access to email, and she’s away this week on off-site meetings but still with no access to her email. the team lead has been away sick since early december. which is fine with me since she’s one of the most toxic dysfunctional people and that’s saying something when there’s a lot of dysfunctional people here. i have no idea if either of them know i’m leaving next week lol. sooo they’re really gonna feel my absence here, but i’m gonna be killing it downtown starting next week sooo oh well

[ahnsael]

My car is finally fixed!

Went to a local Auto Zone that advertises free tests of batteries, alternators, etc to diagnose problems like mine. It was a REAL quick test. “Yup, that battery is DEAD.”

He explained that new cars usually come with cheap batteries, and you’re lucky to get three years out of them (I got about 3½ out of mine).

I told him we did the same thing at Disneyland -- when you buy a light-up toy, odds are it comes with “Rocket” brand batteries, which we got (at the time) for about 1¢ each. And they would last maybe an hour or two (if you were lucky) before you’d notice your toy getting dimmer (granted, we brought LOTS of spare batteries out with us to sell these toys, so any guest that came up to say their toy didn’t last long, I’d explain that the batteries are indeed cheap and don’t last long but when they put better batteries in, the toy will last. And then I’d give them enough batteries to change them out four more times so the toy would last them through the next couple nights of use.

I spent an extra $30 (in theory -- read on) to get a better AGM battery (at least it’s better for my situation -- they tend to recharge faster and withstand extreme hot and cold temperatures, unlike normal car batteries -- and since most of my trips are four miles to or from work, that wasn’t long enough to recharge what battery power I spent on starting the car by the time I reached my destination. And since I work graveyard, my car is outside in sub-freezing temperatures all night this time of year).

The guy said he wasn’t trying to upsell me (he was TOTALLY trying to upsell me), but when I went with the more expensive option (and after we talked Disney for a few minutes -- I’m telling you, once in a while being a former cast member still pays dividends) he asked if I was a veteran and I said “No, but he is” and pointed at my stepdad who was in the Army, and the guy took $20 off the price on the spot, and then he said that he’d take another $10 off if we left the old battery with them (which, THANK YOU, because I don’t want an old car battery to try and figure out how to get rid of).

So in agreeing to spend $30 extra without hemming and hawing over it (I had actually looked at batteries over the past couple days and knew that everything he was telling me matched up with what I had read about AGM batteries vs the standard wet cell battery), I got this battery for the same price as the other one that he had which would fit my car.

No more having to jump-start my car every time I go to work, recharge my jump starter while working, and jump start the car again to get home! No more worrying that I can’t stop at the store on the way home because the store isn’t going to charge my jump starter for me and I may not be able to start my car again to get home. No more leaving the car running when I run into a convenience store and hope I see it if someone tries to get in and drive away.

And now I ramble (yeah, yeah, I hear you shouting “too late, you’re already rambling!” at your computer screen), so here’s a “read more.” Some of you who have followed me for less than two years may learn something about me at the end of this post that may change your perception of me, but since tumblr is the only place I’ve talked (albeit sparsely) about this particular thing. Those of you who know me well already know this unless you missed those posts.

I’ll still keep the jumper in the car “just in case” -- I just have to charge it every 30 days to keep it up to snuff. Plus, it may come in handy if a guest at the casino needs a jump. Though I should check with my boss on that; it may bring up liability issues that we would rather not deal with. I have a feeling that would be a no-go. We’re not even allowed to administer first aid, or even have a first aid kit, because of the liability if we “treat” someone and it goes south somehow. We just call for the ambulance (which I’ve only had to do twice -- once for a lady who fell out of her chair [never did find out why but she was alert and coherent and walked to the ambulance but DID want their help] and once for a guest who had a stroke while at a machine -- and didn’t want the paramedics, he wanted to keep playing video keno with his left hand since he couldn’t lift his right one (we did get him on a gurney, but he literally did not stop playing until paramedics put him on the gurney, and then I cashed him out and gave his money to one of the medics to give to him -- if a friend of his hadn’t told me that he wasn’t okay I wouldn’t have known because other than playing with his left hand when the “play” button is on the right side, he looked okay, but after she told me he needed help and I wasn’t sure if he did I sat down and talked to him and it became very clear that she was right but without asking him about it I would have never realized what was going on, but because she told me that she thought he was having a stroke, and the 9-1-1 operator walking me through some tests which confirmed it, it was caught in time that there was no lasting damage).

But I digress with work stories.

Now to the thing newer people may not know about. As some of you know, I did something REALLY not-smart a couple years ago (I got behind the wheel of a car when I had no business being behind the wheel of a car), and I’ve been dealing with the consequences since then. Nothing too terrible, all things considered (thankfully I didn’t hurt anyone or cause any damage), and finishing the worst part by serving the rest of my 48-hour jail sentence was over in August of 2018. In February of 2019, I was freed of my obligation to attend counseling after the counselor signed off on me not being a continued danger and not likely to re-offend (which I WILL NOT do -- the consequences get worse with successive infractions, and just ONCE was enough to teach me that, even if I hadn’t felt awful for putting my community at risk, the punishment is NOT worth deciding to go to Burger King when I should NOT be driving to Burger King -- fun fact: the Auto Zone I was at today is next door to that very Burger King which I was leaving when I was pulled over).

In August of last year, I was done with “alternative sentencing.” What that was, was I had to call the probation arm of the Sheriff’s Department EVERY SINGLE MORNING to see whether or not they wanted to test me for alcohol in my system (the judge had ordered me to drink ZERO alcohol for a year -- not even NyQuil if I was sick). If they were to find alcohol in my pee test, I had a warrant issued for my arrest. Granted, in May of last year, the head probation officer told me that I didn’t have to call anymore -- but I was subject to search or testing at any time (and they did show up at my house a few times to make sure I was still complying -- they still had to monitor me, but I didn’t have to call anymore because I had earned a degree of trust with them; also they were genuinely nice people and I got along well with them, so our positive relationship may have entered into it as well; when I was officially released from their rolls of “people to watch over,” I went in the day after the judge’s order had expired to verify that I was done with them, and the head guy shook my hand, said “you’re off our rolls,” and admonished me: “Don’t come back”).

But then there was the year of having an interlock device in my car. I didn’t reinstate my suspended license until January of 1999, and that’s when the year (ordered in my August 1998 sentencing) kicked in. It’s not “wait a year and then reinstate your license without having to do this;” it’s “once you reinstate your license, you must have this device in your vehicle for a year from THEN”).

It’s actually been 13 months now. But I wasn’t sure about the process of getting it removed. I asked about it the month before my year was up at the place where I have to get it calibrated once a month, and they said to call the interlock company (this is a car audio place that also handles interlocks, but not the interlock company themselves), and they would tell me how to “petition the court” to get it removed.

I did more research and the interlock company says they need the “monitoring authority’s permission” to allow the interlock to be removed. But they don’t say who the “monitoring authority is” (which is understandable as they are a nationwide company and state laws differ but even when I found a page that broke down the removal process state-by-state, it didn’t say who my monitoring authority was or what kind of “permission” I needed to obtain or how to get it).

But yesterday morning, I emailed the interlock company and the DMV to ask them about the removal. Surprisingly, the DMV got back to me first (still haven’t heard back from SmartStart -- edit, yes I have, see below).

But it was a reply to my email address from a person in the “Drivers License Assessment Team” saying that they had looked at my record and that I was good to come in and get the interlock restriction removed, and that that should be enough for the interlock people.

And, as I was writing this, I got an email from SmartStart saying “Please be informed that removal authorization is not needed if you have had device installed (1) one year from date of when your restricted license was reinstatement.” Grammar aside (”when your license was reinstatement?”), this actually contradicts what the web site says. But I think I’m going to the DMV tomorrow morning to get my restriction removed, and then I’ll call the car accessories store that I’ve been using and make an appointment for its removal (I may have to call SmartStart and have THEM schedule the appointment -- I replied to SmartStart’s email asking with whom I make the appointment, so we’ll see if they replay today).

But the one other major stress in my life is going away. Not that I’m afraid “I may be too drunk to drive” because THAT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN but that it has occasional errors, gives me an “ABORT TAMPER” message (which means it thinks I tampered with it somehow) when temps get below 20º, sometimes reboots itself mid-drive (it will test me after about 10 minutes of driving after I start, then about every 45 minutes thereafter to make sure I’m not drinking WHILE I’m driving). When I leave work on a cold morning, I could be sitting in my car for 4-5 minutes before the thing is ready for me to breathe into it -- as I sit there shivering, because without the engine on, the fan isn’t blowing in heated air, it’s just blowing in outside sub-freezing air (and frosting my interior windows as much as it had been outside before I scraped the ice off while waiting for the interlock to warm up).

So that other major stress will be gone soon, too. And then that whole nasty experience is behind me after two years, as long as I’m never stupid enough to do it again. And I do NOT plan on that. My thing is that...I have a co-worker who I used to offer rides to once in a while (I’m off 30 minutes before him, but sometimes I stay and gamble for a bit). He walks a couple miles to/from work. But he doesn’t know about my DUI, and I don’t want him to know about it. I did give him a ride ONCE since then when weather was particularly nasty, but I wend out and started my car while he played a daily tournament, and by the time he got to my car I had gotten it started after passing the breathalyzer. Then I just hoped that it wouldn’t test me before we got to where he lives (I hid the interlock under my seat while he was in there). Fortunately, it didn’t request a re-test until a few minutes after I had dropped him off.

[salmonthestoryteller]

Don’t You Forget About Me

I was hit by a random thought based on the UFO Emporium Gala scene, where Maria isn’t wearing her necklace, and her mentioning her mother taking it off her own neck to putting it on Maria’s when she turned 18.  Which means all her issues started after she stopped wearing the necklace.  Maria isn’t wearing the necklace in 1x11 and part of 1x13.

Contains Miluca/Marichael, but I have their romance end in a really sad way.  The evil plotbunny demanded it!  (No character deaths involved.)  Also contains Liz and Maria being besties, and way more Rosa than originally intended.

Don’t You Forget About Me A Roswell New Mexico Fanfic

The first time it happened was at the UFO Emporium Gala.  There’s drink involved, and a drugged drink as she later learned, so Liz didn’t think anything of it.

“You fit right under his chin like a perfect little zupple piece – pu.. Puzzle piece.”

“Whoa. Puzzle Piece.”

“Puzzle piece.”

They both laughed.

—–

“..and Thompson broke three tables.” Maria was seated in one of the chairs around Michael’s fire while he worked on a customer’s car.  She’d been sharing the story of the latest drunken brawl at the Wild Pony he’d missed.

“Three tables?  He repeated. He’d broken furniture at the Wild Pony before but the tables were pretty sturdy and he had a hard time imagining anyone breaking three.

"Chairs.  Did I say tables?”

“You did say tables.”

“Chairs.  He broke three chairs.”

“That makes more sense. If anyone breaks three tables, I want to be there to see it.”

“If anyone breaks three tables, Guerin, it will probably be you.”

“Ouch. I feel attacked.” He glanced over at Maria, enjoying her amused smile, and the slip up was easily forgotten.

—–

The second time it happened, it gave Liz a pause.  It was a text asking if she wanted ice cream when they met up that night.  She sent back asking if she wanted to meet up again, and if everything was alright.  Maria didn’t text back right away, but when she did it was to say she meant next week, because they’d just met up last night.  The way she phrased it was odd and she asked again if everything was okay.  Maria assured her it was just a crazy month and she kept forgetting what day of the week it was.  It sounded odd, and she decided to talk to her about it the next time they saw each other.

—–

The first time it happened, Michael didn’t think anything of it.  Maria was getting dressed for the day, and she hadn’t thrown him out of her bed yet - which was a vast improvement on previous partners over the years.  “Do you have to get up so early?”

“My liquor shipment is due today.”  Maria told him.  “Someone has to take it.”

“I thought your shipment came yesterday.”  He told her, confused.

“No, it comes on Mondays.”

“It’s Tuesday.”

“Very funny.  You’re not getting me back in bed, Cowboy.”

“No, I’m serious, it’s Tuesday.”  Michael repeated.

Maria picked up her phone from the nightstand, then stared at the screen a moment.  “It’s Tuesday.”

“Did I blow your mind last night?”  MIchael teased with a grin.

“Don’t flatter yourself.”  Maria tossed her pillow at him.

“So, you can come back to bed.”  Michael caught the pillow with ease.

“Or you could get dressed and we could get breakfast together.  Because unlike me, your working hours are daytime.”

“Nobody ever comes to Sander’s Auto on Tuesday mornings.  This is Roswell.”  Michael complained.

Maria leaned in to kiss him, but pulled back when he tried to tug her closer.  “Get up.  Let’s get breakfast.”

He flopped back with a groan of complaint, her slip up of days forgotten.

—–

“So what’s been going on with you?”  Liz asked her when she joined her for drinks at the Wild Pony.

“What do you mean?” Maria asked her, doing her best to look like she didn’t know what she was talking about.

“Maria…”

“I don’t know, it’s just been such a crazy month. Crazy set of months. Things have been slipping my mind. I’ll wake up convinced it’s Monday, and it’s Tuesday.  I’ll think I didn’t pay a bill and go to pay it and it’s paid.  Just little ghings… little things.” She corrected herself.

Liz frowned, straightening.  "You did that before at the UFO Emporium Gala.  Said Zupple instead of puzzle.  Maria-“

"I’m fine. Just overworked and tired, Liz.”

“Okay.  Well, I’m here. If you need anything.”

“I just need a night off.”

“So let’s do it. I’ll get Ros-Romina.” She corrected the name last minute. It was hard to call her sister by a new name but there was no way she could have come back to town as Rosa.  Romina Ortecho - a younger cousin of Liz who resembled her dead sister - that was passable.  In some ways Rosa seemed to enjoy getting a chance to live life as someone new, but it was also hard on them both as well. “And we’ll party.”

“I don’t know, it’s a busy night.  I could get good tips.”

“Workaholic is a disease.  C'mon.”

“Mmmnnn… okay ”

—–

“Y’know, you’re not wearing your necklace.”  Liz pointed out.  She, Rosa, and Maria were on the Crashdown Cafe.  She and Maria were drinking, but Rosa had told them she would watch over their dumb asses.  Despite being eight years younger than her now, Rosa still felt she was the big sister.  Liz would be lying if she said she didn’t like it.

“It’s funny, I never used to forget to put it on, but some days lately I have been.”  Maria admitted.

“I always loved that necklace.”  Rosa mentioned.

“I said that too!”  Liz raised her hand with a small cheer.

“We should be doing something besides lying around up here.”  Maria had opted to lie on her back for a better look at the stars.  The Ortecho sisters were sitting besides the sign.  “Singing.  Dancing.”

“We should go downstairs and make fries and milkshakes.”  Rosa suggested.

“Yes!”  Liz seconded.

“Let’s do it!”  Maria pushed herself up, and went over to tug the other two woman to their feet.

—–

“I think something’s wrong with Maria.”  Michael’s voice was laced with concern, and Liz leaned closer on the counter to keep the conversation private.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s just… she keeps messing up the days.”

“Well, people do occasionally do that, Michael.”

“No, I mean.  Not like saying it’s Thursday when it’s Wednesday.  I mean, she won’t remember things that happened a previous day.  Taking a supply order at The Wild Pony, that we got coffee together the previous day.  Or anything we talked about.”

“Maybe she’s just overworked.”  LIz  suggested.

“I… I don’t know, maybe.  Has she ever… messed up words around you?”

Liz felt her heart stop.  “Like what?”

“Like said one word when she means another, or mix up letters?”

“…Yes.”

“So it’s just something she does sometimes?”  Michael looked relieved, even hopeful.

Liz felt the opposite.  “Only since the UFO Emporium.  Only since…”

“Noah?”  MIchael filled in.  The weight of that name brought them both down.  “Do you… do you think he did something to her?  Wasn’t careful with her mind?”

“Look, I’ll talk to her, okay?”

—–

“Hey.”  Rosa entered The Wild Pony with a bag from the Crashdown Cafe.  “You should really get a better lock on your doors cuz just about anyone could…”  She trailed off.

Maria was seated on a stool of the bar crying.  She looked up.  “Ros-Romina.  People need to stop kipping my locks… picking my…”  She broke off into a sob.

Rosa was there in an instant, tossing the bag on the bar top and pulling her into her arms.  She muttered soothing words in spanish, petting Maria’s hair.  “Tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s happening to me.”

“What’s happening to you, huh?”

“The same thing that happened to my Mom.  It’s happening to me.  I… I can’t remember what happened yesterday.  At all.  And then, there’s more.  There’s words.  Words aren’t making sense sometimes.  It’s like someone is speaking a foreign language, even though I know they aren’t.”

“Shh… shh… we’ll figure it out.”

“But they haven’t.  They don’t know what’s wrong with my mom.  If the same thing is happening to me - Romina, what do I do?”

“Just trust me, I’ve got you.  I’ve got you, and you’re going to be okay.”

Maria clung to her, and let the tears fall.

—–

“We can’t heal damage to a mind.”  Michael reminded Liz.

“Has anyone ever tried?”

“You know we haven’t tried a lot with our powers.  Doesn’t mean we should go trying something like that.  I mean, if this is Noah’s fault, we could make things worse. He understood our powers better.”

“We need answers.”  Liz paced.  “About what all your species can do.”

Michael shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “We don’t have answers to that.”

“Maybe Kyle and Alex do.”  Liz reminded him.

For the most part Michael had avoided the files to Project Sheppard since they’d gotten Max back.  They contained all the worse nightmares Max, Isobel, and he had dreamed up over the years, and some they’d never imagined.  Ten years ago, Project Sheppard had still been sanctioned.  Ten years ago, if they had been caught during the murders, they would have ended up at Caulfield, too.  There were nights that the guilt of covering the murders made Michael wonder if they wouldn’t have deserved it.  Every time he looked at information from the prison, though, he was selfish enough to admit he’d do it again to avoid that fate.

—–

“I’m sorry, what month is it?”  Maria asked as Michael clasped her necklace on her.  “Nn.”  She pressed the heel of her hand to her head.

“The headache again?”

“Yah, don’t worry - it passes.”  Maria assured him, toying with her mother’s pendant.

“I’ll get you some aspirin anyway.”  He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Maria gave him a pained smile.  “The month?”  She asked again.

Michael looked at her, troubled.  “Beginning of February.”

“Right…”  Maria’s expression was troubled.

—–

“Don’t touch those.”  Liz reminded Michael as he glanced warily at the flowers she now had growing in a greenhouse on the Crashdown Cafe rooftop.

“I feel kinda ill just looking at them.”  He backed away.

“Figuratively or Literally?”  Liz asked him.

“Just figurative.  I handled the pollen before.  But knowing what it can do?  I hate that we’re literally growing something that can kill us.”

“And cure Maria.”

“That’s why I’m not uprooting them and tossing them in the nearest garbage.”

“It’s also possible this may help, but not cure.”  Liz reminded him.

“I know.”

—–

“Liz says you worked with her to help make this.”  Maria had a cup of the tea in front of her on the bar counter.

“Yah.”  Michael admitted.  “Though I’m under strict orders not to touch it.  And definitely not drink it.”

The tea that was fixing the damage that was done to her mind was deadly to the three of them.  Maria had insisted on trying the tea first, but since it was working she’d begun making it for Mimi, too.  Whether or not either would regain the memories lost had yet to be seen.  It seemed they were both able to retain memories again, though.  And the confusion had faded.

The flowers in the necklace had prevented damage to Mimi until she’d removed it at Maria’s graduation.  And, likewise, Maria had been fine until she had spent time not wearing it.   It truly had protected them from danger.  Maria had promised her mother to never take the necklace off again, and Rosa was working on making a different one for Mimi from the flowers they now grew.

“So be sure not to accept drinks from strangers.”  Maria lectured him.

“Why do you not want me to have any fun?”  Michael teased back.  When she gave him a warning look, he sobered.  “So you don’t remember anything after the Gala?”

Maria shook her head.  “It’s all just blank.  Months of memories just gone.”

Michael nodded, looking away and taking a deep breath.  “Well, maybe they’ll return.  Y’know.  Once you drink enough.”

“I hope so.  I really want my mom to get her memories back, y’know?”

Michael nodded, and stood up.  “Well, I’ll see you around.”

“No doubt causing bar fights in my bar.”  Maria accused.

“Yah, I… um, don’t really do that anymore.”  Michael confessed.

“Oh?  Wow, what did I miss?”

“… a lot.”  Michael admitted.  “But, um, mostly I just had some help getting my act together.”

“Well, that’s good, right?”

“Yah… yah, it’s good.”

“Hey!”  Rosa bounded in, carrying Crashdown Cafe Bags and a drink carrier.  “Who wants Milkshakes and fries?

“Yummy!”  Maria held out her hands.

“I should go.”  Michael turned to leave.

“Nope.”  Liz, who had followed Rosa in,  linked her arm through his.  “You’re staying.  Everyone is coming over for a party.”

“Is that so?  Did I volunteer to host this?”  Maria challenged her.

“Absolutely.”  Rosa told her.

“She’s lying.”  Michael assured her.

“Well, I never say no to a party.”  Maria grinned.

“That’s the spirit!”  Rosa cheered.  “I’m playing first!”  She wandered over to grab up the guitar from the stage.

Liz glanced at Michael, who shook his head.  She offered a half hug, before tugging on Maria’s hand where she had started on the fries.  “Let’s dance!”

“You bring fries and now you want to dance?”  Despite her words, Maria was already up.

“C’mon, you too.” Liz tugged on Michael’s arm.

“Didn’t you learn about my lack of dancing skills in Texas?”  He reminded her.

“Oh, yah, they’re worse than Max’s, but it still gets you out of nothing.”

“Yep, this is what happens when you have friends.  You get out of nothing.”  Maria pulled his other arm and together they got him in front of the stage as Rosa began to strum the guitar.

Fini

[mayquita]

Pictures of Reality (11/16)

Hi everyone! Here we go again. I’d like to express my gratitude to all those who have given this story a chance, thanks for your likes, comments, kudos and reblogs. It means the world to me.

Summary: Emma Swan returns to her birthplace, Storybrooke, in search of a fresh start after a life marked by abandonment and betrayal. After a year there, she finds the stability she needed and also the possibility of learning about one of her passions, photography. Killian Jones, a former British war reporter with a tragic past, establishes himself in the same town as an instructor of photography, following in the footsteps of his best friends, the Nolans. What will happen when their paths cross? Will their common passion for photography help them heal old wounds?

Rating: M (Language, mature themes, implied sex)

Warnings: Alcohol abuse, mentions of the loss of a limb in an armed conflict.

Other ships / Characters: Although, obviously, this is a cs fic, Snowing plays a major role here, mainly David. In fact, the story contains three different points of view, those of Emma, Killian and David. Also, Henry appears in the story as Regina’s adopted son but he is not Emma’s biological son.

Beta: I’d like to express my gratitude, as always, to my beta @jarienn972 I’m aware that you have had to deal with a monster of more than 100k words and English is not my mother tongue, so I value your effort even more.

Artist / art: Go visit @imagnifika’s blog and enjoy her amazing art. The art that accompanies this chapter perfectly captures a decisive moment in the story.

Art for the prologue/ Art for chapter 1 / Art for chapter 2 and banner / Art for chapter 3/ Art for chapters 4-5  / Art for chapters 6-7/ Art for chapter 8 / Art for chapter 10

Special mention to @saraswans , thank you so much for your perpetual support, for believing in me when I doubted myself and for offering ideas to make this story grow.

Don’t forget to go read and enjoy the rest of the amazing csbb stories and art.

Word count: ~ 6400 (116k total in 16 chapters)

Also on (From the beginning): Ao3 / Ffnet (Current Chapter) Ao3 / Ffnet

Tumblr: Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11

What to expect from this chapter? This chapter is going to be a bit intense... for reasons.

CHAPTER 10

My dearest Emma,

I still can't believe that we've finally been able to see you, actually see you, on your twenty-eighth birthday. Perhaps I could have left you this letter right there, along with the rest of the gifts you received on your special day, had the circumstances been different.

Maybe you wonder why, despite having been here for a few months, crossing paths each day with you through the streets of the town, or attending the same place for dinner, we haven't yet approached you. Or why we haven't told you the truth and we settle for observing you from a distance, to at least make sure that you are living the life that you deserve so much and that had been denied to you until now.

Well, maybe the answer is not the most satisfactory for you, or is it just a reflection of our cowardice, and I wouldn't blame you for thinking like that, but the reality is that the moment we arrived here and Regina told us about your past, we felt completely devastated and consumed by guilt.

Believe me, sweetheart, if we had the certainty that our confession would serve to alleviate your sorrows, we would willingly have bared our souls in front of you, although it would likely have meant that we would lose you forever.

But considering your traumatic experiences that have led you to run on more than one occasion and the history of abandonment and betrayals that you have suffered, we didn't want to risk ruining your life once more. I couldn't bear that because of our fault, you might lose everything you've achieved since you return to Storybrooke.

Because, as I see it from outside, you have become a strong and brave woman, ready to pursue your goals. You're also a caring person with the people you feel comfortable with, like Ruby, Graham, or Henry. And you have achieved all this without our help, so, if for you to maintain stability in your life we must stay away, so be it.

In addition, irony, or perhaps destiny, has decided to give us something beautiful and promising. We learned just yesterday that you will be one of the people who attend the course that Killian will start teaching in a few weeks.

Our Killian and our daughter, united by their passion for photography. I don't care if it's destiny or a simple coincidence, but the fact that you two are going to meet under such circumstances was unimaginable until a few weeks ago and now it has become a reality. You and Killian are going to cross paths and, fortunately, we are going to witness it even from the distance.

Who knows? Maybe Killian finds that hidden gem, that talented person that he always seeks, someone whom he can help develop full potential. Maybe I'm totally biased here, but I'm hoping it's you. Either way, you are already a gem for us, even though we aren't yet able to prove it to you.

Maybe some day...

Until then, your father who loves you and never forgets you,

David.

Emma Swan. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

When Emma woke up that Monday, the light had barely begun to filter through the window of her bedroom. Still reluctant to get up and continue with her morning routine, she snuggled up between the sheets and let her thoughts wander for a while, bringing to mind the memories of the previous day.

Yesterday…

Emma had learned about Killian's birthday through his friends. The information had also come with a warning. He did not celebrate his birthday since his brother passed away. Even so, they always managed to spend the day with him and they hoped that this time she would join that kind of non-celebration.

Again, that feeling of belonging that was becoming habitual since she came to Storybrooke, settled in her stomach, spreading a warm feeling all over her body. Even so, she also felt some hesitation, not quite sure how to act in front of Killian, wondering if it was more appropriate to continue to respect his wishes or on the contrary, to subtly encourage him to move on with small details like being with him on that day or offer him a small gift.

The talk a few days ago with Mary Margaret had allowed her self-confidence to take hold, so she decided to let herself go, loosening the control she used to have over everything and instead be attentive to the little hints she would find along the way that would help her to follow the correct direction.

It was like that, quite literally, as she found the perfect gift for him. She was walking towards Killian's apartment when her gaze caught something that made her stop short in front of the pawn shop window. Right there, as if it were calling her, she found a vintage photo album bound in leather, with a small message engraved on the cover — ‘Collect Beautiful Moments’. That album definitely had Killian’s name on it so, without thinking twice, she went into the store and acquired it, writing inside a personalized note with the aim of explaining with her own words the symbolism of the present.

Sometime later, while waiting for Killian to arrive, she had a nice time with the Nolans while they showed her old photo albums full of memories. Unlike Christmas, she did not feel like an intruder at a family event, but rather included, as if she really belonged there, with this unconventional family, with these friends who really acted as proud parents of their son while offering to his girlfriend some embarrassing details of his youth, or remembered all the experiences they had lived together.

Although she longed to know more about Killian, to know everything about his origins, and she was more than grateful with the Nolans for offering her these happy glimpses of his past, she could not help feeling a little thorn in her heart since, again, she had to settle for witnessing the happiness of other people, while the craving to experience something similar washed over her.

Her mixed feelings faded into the background the moment she noticed Killian's presence. She had been so engrossed in the conversation with the Nolans and in her own thoughts that she had not heard him arrive. But now that he was there, everything around them seemed to vanish, her only goal to look up and make sure he was okay with that little surprise.

What she found did nothing but increase the endless feelings that danced within her. She detected how his body was tense although his troubled expression and his stormy gaze quickly morphed to an almost awe expression as his gaze softened when it met hers.

After a tentative first approach, he clung to her, as if he was afraid that she would disappear. Since she was not good with words, she chose to assure him through her acts and her displays of affection that she was not going anywhere.

Killian Jones was a complex man, no doubt, but also a challenge for her in the sense of trying to climb those walls that acted as a barrier and discover the real Killian behind all those layers that covered him. And she was more than willing to keep trying.

The tension did not completely disappear from Killian for the rest of the day. She sometimes detected a glimpse of something akin to resignation, but at least that stormy expression had softened, allowing them to enjoy a quiet and pleasant evening, the four of them together, adding up memories that would be immortalized both in the photographs they took and in her own album of memories that she kept in her heart.

She waited for his friends — maybe now it was appropriate to use the term ‘their’, at least she felt it, she hoped that the feeling was reciprocal — to leave to give him her humble gift since she preferred to do it in privacy, turning it into a moment just for them.

For a moment, she thought she had made a terrible mistake, holding her breath as she watched Killian's reaction intently. He stiffened, holding the object in an awkward way as he stared at her, as if he couldn't believe what was happening.

After those first seconds of shock, his gaze fell on the album while his fingers slid delicately over the leather cover in an almost reverent way. After reading the handwritten note she had left inside, his gaze traveled back to her, staring at her in such a way that her head began to spin, her heart fluttering furiously against her chest.

"Thank you so much, Swan, you didn't need..." He reached up to scratch behind his ear, but his gaze never left hers. "I'm not sure I deserve this." His lips pressed together drawing the ghost of a smile.

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's just a photo album."

"Aye..." Killian remained pensive for a moment, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, "but just for the record, I have every intention of you appearing on all these pages with me."

It was a simple phrase, innocuous enough, but she did not lose the intrinsic meaning. She had offered him the possibility of a future and he was offering her, in return, the possibility of being part of that future. That was the only thing she needed at the moment.

The alarm clock announcing the time to get up got her out of her reverie. Even so, she still remained a while longer in bed, lying on her back with her arms folded and her hands under the back of her head, allowing herself a few seconds more of introspection.

Even though her wounds from the past had not yet healed enough and Killian's still seemed to continue to bleed from time to time, she was going to hold on to any possible future that awaited them together. They were meant to be together, she felt it in the depths of her very soul and she was going to do everything possible to make that happen.

And that began by acting and fighting for what she wanted. And if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that she wanted Killian, the charismatic teacher, the traumatized war reporter, the loyal friend, the glimpses of fiery lover she had gotten.

With a new goal in mind, she hurried out of bed feeling a surge of energy take over her body. She was not going to stand by letting the opportunity pass, she was going to cling to it. And if that meant starting to share breakfast with her boyfriend — yes, boyfriend, she was no longer afraid of that word — as a normal couple, so be it.

Killian Jones. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

The irony decided to show its face to Killian once more, as if it was laughing at his expense. He remembered having serious difficulties finding an available flight when he had needed to travel urgently because of some unforeseen event. However today, it only took him five minutes to acquire a plane ticket that would take him back to London tomorrow.

The moment his finger pressed the button that would allow him to finish the purchase, a wave of regret seized him. That sinking feeling accompanied him for the next few minutes, when he took the suitcase out of the closet and moved it to his living room.

The purchase of the ticket did not change anything, he could still decide not to take that plane. In addition, it was a round trip ticket with the return scheduled within five days. It was not like he was fleeing forever, he tried to convince himself - without much success, really.

If he himself wasn't convinced, he doubted that he would convince Emma and his friends. With Emma, he would have to resort to a small deception, adding one more weight to the burden of guilt he carried. In regards to David and Mary Margaret, he had decided to tell them that night during dinner.

He expected his friends to understand his reasons. He didn't do it as a desperate measure to force them to confess the truth to Emma, but rather the contrary, to allow them to experience some more time together, getting to know each other more. He only intended to give them more time to figure out how to approach the subject.

The image he had witnessed the day before had pierced his heart. It was undeniable that Emma should know the truth; it was unfair that she was involved in this game of lies. That was what was killing him inside, the helplessness and frustration of being between a rock and a hard place when all he wanted was for the three of them to achieve the happiness that had been denied to them before.

He was aware that he was carrying out an act of cowardice, at least in the eyes of the others, but he felt so pressured that he was no longer sure what he was supposed to do. Should he behave like the honorable man and confess the truth to Emma, even at the risk of betraying his friends? Should he keep the secret, knowing that this would mean the impossibility of maintaining a relationship with Emma?

There was something of which he had absolute certainty, though. He was not going to, under any circumstances, ignore that secret with the sole objective of keeping Emma by his side. If he already felt ashamed for his weakness, for not being able to resist her charms, for having fallen under her spell, he could not forgive himself continuing to take advantage of her ignorance.

The doorbell announcing the arrival of someone brought him back to reality. He realized that he had remained standing in the middle of the room, lost in thought while the empty suitcase was in front of him waiting to be filled.

He shook his head, brushing aside those thoughts for the moment as he wondered who was visiting him so early. David would probably already be in the newspaper office and Mary Margaret would have already arrived at school. Maybe it was Emma, on her way to the town hall. The corners of his lips instinctively rose at that thought, while his heart fluttered in anticipation, though her presence in his apartment at that moment would mean inflicting one more torture on his already battered heart.

"Hey," Indeed, it was Emma who had decided to pay him an unexpected visit. She was wearing a cute beanie, her hair falling in soft waves over her shoulders, her cheeks colored with a slight pink halo due to the cold and a wide smile pulling at her lips. She was a vision with the ability to take his breath away. "I brought breakfast." He forced his gaze away from her face, his eyes sliding to the paper bag with Granny's logo she was holding.

He swallowed hard as he managed a smile that he hoped was enough to hide his inner turmoil. "You've read my mind, love. I could do with a cup of coffee." 

She grinned at him, gave him a peck on the lips and, without waiting to be invited to come in, she passed by his side in the direction of his kitchen. He could not help feeling somewhat marveled by the ease with which she seemed to move through his apartment, demonstrating how comfortable she felt not only with him, but with what surrounded him.

His satisfaction was short-lived, though. Just as she was walking through his living room, she stopped in her tracks, her eyes fixed on a particular point in the room. Holding his breath, he followed the direction of her gaze to find the empty suitcase on the coffee table. Bloody hell! He had completely forgotten the damn thing.

"Are you going somewhere?" Her head turned in his direction as she gave him an inquiring look, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

His hand reached out to rub the back of his neck while his brain began to scramble frantically for a convincing enough excuse. Bloody hell! He had thought he would see her later for lunch so he still hadn't had time to look for an explanation that might work.

"Aye... something has come up... I have to travel to London to make some arrangements before starting the new course." He managed to mumble a poor excuse that did not sound convincing, while he hated himself a little in the process.

"London?" Emma blinked a couple of times as if she were processing the information. Her previous carefree expression gave way to one of confusion. "When?"

"Tomorrow afternoon." Her eyes widened slightly, so Killian hurried to offer something that would help reassure her. "It will only be a couple of days."

Emma nodded subtly, pressing her lips together into a thin line as she made her way to the kitchen and deposited the paper bag on the counter. Then she turned, standing in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest, her head tilted slightly.

"You know, if you had told me before, I could have accompanied you. I've never been to London… I could have taken a couple of days off…” A shadow of hurt crossed her gaze but she seemed to recover immediately, the corners of her lips twitching into a tiny smile as she shrugged. "Anyway... we better start breakfast or I'll be late and Regina will kill me."

He felt utterly miserable, a new wave of guilt tightened his gut, threatening to further weaken his fragile composure. The image of Emma discovering London through his eyes and his experiences was so damn tempting that for a fraction of a second he was about to send everything to hell, grabbing her by the hand and getting out of there, the two of them together, missing from the rest of the world for a while. He had no choice but to restrain himself, though, and instead, he offered her a poor substitute. "I apologize, Swan, the trip came somewhat unexpectedly, but I'd like to travel with you to London one day."

The faint smile she returned did not reach her eyes. He had to hold back a sigh of frustration as he approached her and began to pull the food out of the bag in an attempt to make breakfast distract him enough. It didn't work, she did not even bother to take off her coat, implying that her visit would be brief. Although they made the effort to keep a carefree talk, he could feel the tension in the atmosphere.

Ten minutes later, she got up, going to the front door. "I really have to go. See you later?" The hint of insecurity in her voice caused a new pang of guilt piercing his heart.

"Sure, I'll grab some lunch and go find you at the city hall." He affirmed in an attempt to reassure her.

She nodded, the corners of her lips moved slightly upward. "I... you know ... Do you want me to get you to the airport tomorrow?"

For all response, he pulled her to him in a tight embrace, the need to feel the warmth of her body against his too overwhelming. "Believe me, Swan, there's nothing I'd like more." He whispered in her ear. “I’ll come back to you in a couple of days.”

The moment the door closed behind her, Killian was aware that he was making a terrible mistake. Letting out a deep breath, he leaned his back and head against the door while pinching the bridge of his nose.

How could he have been so blind as to not realize the reason behind the vulnerability shown by Emma? How could he not only have neglected her abandonment issues, but feed them with his evasive attitude? He resisted the urge to bang his head against the wooden surface in frustration. Instead, he groaned inwardly while his hand curled into a fist.

He could not take that flight. Not when it meant leaving Emma, even for a couple of days. He would meet her for lunch and tell her that there had been a change of plans, that he could travel with her at another time. He had no choice but to regain the strength necessary to face what was to come. He only hoped that he would be able to protect Emma in some way.

Emma Swan. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

He is leaving, leaving, leaving. Emma tried to block that thought, make it disappear from her mind, but she felt too weak or helpless, unable to cope with that sinking feeling that had settled in her stomach.

Deep down, she knew that she was being irrational, that Killian would never abandon her. But the suitcase, his evasive answers and his expression of ill-concealed guilt had awakened her old demons who soon emerged from their hiding corner and began tormenting her.

She did not even know how she got here to the office, too consumed by those disturbing sensations. Even so, she made the effort to get involved in her work with the goal of getting distracted enough. And she got it for half an hour. Until she had to talk on the phone with someone who, without her asking him, told her that he had just arrived from London.

Fucking London... He had to travel to the damn other side of the ocean... And to think that the morning had started well, with her determination to develop the next step in her relationship with Killian. And all that she found was a sudden trip sprinkled with evasiveness. She tried to find a logical explanation, though, still reluctant to think that she had been betrayed once again.

That spiral of sensations and thoughts did not disappear when Emma was called to Regina's office to deliver some reports. That's what happens when you lower your walls, that you risk being hurt, her inner voice reminded her...

"Emma!"

The unexpected shout caused her to flinch and wake up from her reverie. Feeling her cheeks flush, she looked up and found Regina staring at her through her narrow eyes.

"I pay you to do your job, not to be there absorbed, thinking God knows what and ignoring when I speak to you." Regina's authoritative voice caused her to straighten her back, as she tried to get Killian out of her mind for at least a few minutes.

"Sorry, I got distracted for a moment." Emma mumbled an excuse as she focused her gaze on the documents she was holding.

"Okay then, spit it out."

“What?” Emma looked up at Regina again, not sure that she understood correctly.

Regina rolled her eyes as she pursed her lips, she was losing patience, clearly. "Just tell me what's going on in your head. We'll deal with it and move on to what's really important, my job and this town. I'm a very busy person, in case you forgot."

Emma had to suppress a gasp of surprise. Was she being serious? No way was she going to confess her worries to Regina. She was not only not her friend but also her damn boss. But on the other hand, she had a point... Emma shifted uncomfortably in her seat while appreciating Regina's proposal. She really needed to expel those thoughts, for someone to tell her that she was being ridiculous. And Regina was the person available right now...

"He's leaving." To her horror, the words came out of her mouth without her having had time to process it.

"He? Who?"

Emma groaned inwardly, wishing she were anywhere else instead of here, feeling like a student in the principal's office. "Killian, he's leaving for London." The way Regina was looking at her did nothing to alleviate her inner turmoil. Something flashing in her gaze as her features darkened slightly. "Look, I know it's stupid - he's coming back in a couple of days, so can we continue with the meeting and forget all this?"

Luck was not on her side that day because, after remaining pensive for a few seconds, Regina muttered almost to herself, "So that boyfriend of yours is also a coward - just like his friends."

Emma felt her stomach drop to her toes as her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Far from reassuring her, her boss's words had left her even more uneasy. "What are you talking about?"

She held Regina's gaze for a few seconds studying her features in an attempt to find out what was happening. Regina’s face remained impassive, but Emma did detect a shadow crossing her gaze, perhaps shame, maybe regret, she was not sure. After what seemed like an eternity, Regina let out a deep sigh as her shoulders slumped a bit. "Taking into account that the photographer hasn’t managed to handle the situation and has decided to flee instead, I guess it's only fair that it's me who tells you the truth. I brought you here in the first place, after all."

The truth? What truth? A myriad of thoughts, each more disturbing, crowded in her head causing it to start spinning. What do Killian’s friends have to do with all this? And what about Regina herself? A wave of panic began to creep from her stomach to her throat, as the desire to run away from there became more intense. In the end, her curiosity won, "Just tell me what's going on." She hissed in a tone perhaps sharper than she intended but this whole situation was getting on her nerves.

Regina's features softened and even Emma detected a glimpse of something akin to pity. That could not mean anything good. She didn't want pity, she didn't need it, did she? She felt a strange sensation taking over her, like a bad omen approaching unstoppable. She held her breath as her stomach tightened into knots.

"It's about your parents, Emma."

My parents ... Her blood froze as she clung to the desk with such force that her knuckles turned white. "What about them?" She managed to mumble in a trembling voice.

"Let me clarify something before continuing, if I'm telling you this, it's because I don't get why after all that they have gone through... and also all of what you have gone through... they still prefer to keep hiding..."

"Just tell me." Emma cut her abruptly, causing Regina to flinch slightly in her seat. At the moment, she didn't want explanations or excuses, she just wanted to know what the hell was happening.

"Killian... well, both he and I know who your parents are." Regina finally admitted in an apologetic tone.

Far from bringing some light to the situation, Regina's confession left her even more confused. How was it possible? Killian had been in Storybrooke for only four months, there was no way he knew this information when he had been living all this time in London... The only contact he had ever had with anyone from here was with…

"No!" It can't be! No no no. She felt all the air leaving her lungs while she refused to accept that possibility, trying to block her mind. Her attempts were in vain though since her brain began to act on its own, tying up loose ends and processing all the information. Killian was the one who had introduced them to her, he had also been the one who had propitiated the first encounters, who had talked to her constantly about his friends...

Any doubts she might have had disappeared when Regina confirmed in words what she had already deduced. "I'm afraid so, Emma. David and Mary Margaret are your parents. They..."

"No!" Emma raised a finger in warning. She did not want to hear anything else. It was as if someone had ripped her heart from her chest and was squeezing it slowly with every memory that came to her mind, with every moment shared with them, inflicting even more suffering.

"Emma, let me explain..."

She shook her head as she rose abruptly and headed for the door, unable to look Regina in the eye. "I gotta go." Emma said, her voice even, though she felt her blood boiling. The weight of the betrayal was so high that she was not sure she could maintain the little composure she still had left. She should get out of there immediately. Ignoring one last call from Regina, she went to her desk, grabbed her purse and coat and then walked to the exit.

A raw rage began to bubble inside her. Unable to handle everything that was happening, she blocked the thoughts about Regina's involvement and completely ignored the revelation about the Nolans. Instead, she focused all her fury on one target - on the person she had blindly trusted. To whom she had given her heart.

//

The ride to Killian's apartment, far from appeasing her anger, increased that sinking feeling that had settled low in her stomach as she was assimilating all the information received. Tears of humiliation threatened to slide down her cheeks, but she blinked stubbornly holding them back.

Gradually, she realized that she had remained oblivious to a whole plot that had been hatched around her. Emma wondered bitterly how far the threads of these machinations would reach, while the bubble of stability she had lived in when she came to Storybrooke exploded, splashing her with a whole series of questions to which she hoped —or maybe feared— to find an answer.

It was as if everything she had experienced since arriving in the town was part of a huge farce, from her job, the photography course, or even Killian's feelings. A wave of shame and rejection washed over her when she remembered the conversation she had had with Mary Margaret a few days ago, causing her anger to boil again in her veins.

Fortunately, the arrival at the building where Killian's apartment was located stopped that escalation of feelings. Instead, she directed all her energy and anger into a single target. She would have time to deal with everything else, later.

There was a brief moment of hesitation when she reached his door. She felt all her emotions radiating off of her, like a volcano about to erupt. Maybe if she went home and tried to calm down enough she would be able to keep a cool head when the inevitable conversation with Killian took place. She rejected that idea almost at the same instant it crossed her mind. The need to expel those feelings that bubbled inside her was too tempting, although, in the brief lapses of lucidity that dared to appear among so much contained anger, she was aware that she was opting for the easy way. "I don't care." She muttered to herself as she pounded on the door hard.

The moment the door opened, she marched directly towards Killian poking a finger into his chest. "You damn asshole - how dare you?"

He recoiled at her advance, his eyes widening in surprise. "What are you talking about, love? What's wrong?"

"You don't have to keep pretending, I already know the truth about your friends." She threw the last words with contempt, knowing the impact they would have on him. She wasn't wrong. His face suddenly paled, his mouth fell open on a gasp.

"They told you?" He asked in a small whimper.

She huffed, while shaking her head, "It was Regina." She placed her hands on her hips in a defiant attitude. "It seems that your friends are just cowards like you."

To his credit, he seemed genuinely affected, his face contorted in an expression reflecting a mixture of hurt and shame. But she didn't let herself be daunted, hardening her features as she continued her verbal attack without even waiting for a reply. "I trusted you, Killian! How could you do this to me?"

"Emma, let me explain, please." He almost begged, tentatively advancing towards her.

She jumped back instinctively, raising a hand in front of her, thereby avoiding the possibility of her body betraying her due to his proximity. "You lost your chance to explain yourself at the same moment you decided to lie to me. How could you take advantage of me like that?" Emma forced herself to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat. In no way was she going to break in front of him, although the truth was that she was dying inside. She repressed those feelings though, leaving them for the privacy of her apartment.

To her surprise, he did not try to defend himself or repel the attack. He simply dropped himself on the couch, breathing out on a shaky exhale, his shoulders slumped, his lips pressed together in a thin line. He seemed defeated. "I'm so sorry, Emma." He muttered as he ran his hand through his hair.

Emma hesitated for a moment. She needed to fight, to expel these feelings that were threatening to drown her, but she couldn't do it with someone who was already defeated. He wasn't even going to try to hit back. "That's all you have to say? That you are sorry? Are you aware that you've ruined my life? That I don't know what is real in my life anymore?" Frustration and impotence began to take their toll, her voice slid between her lips in a broken murmur.

This time Killian did seem to react. He looked up, seeking her gaze. "I assure you, Swan, that my feelings towards you have always been real." For a moment, she was lost in the intensity of his eyes, they had always had a hypnotic effect on her, even in this moment of such tension. But she shook her head breaking the spell. She was not going to be distracted by two pretty blue eyes.

"You have a strange way of showing it, don't you?" He flinched at the harshness of her tone and the sarcasm of her voice. Something caught her attention at that moment. The suitcase, the original cause of this situation, was no longer on the coffee table. Still, that didn't prevent the pain of a possible abandonment for being more bearable. "And you know what is the worst of all? That in spite of my abandonment issues, you were willing to do just that. At the moment when things get tough, you leave, don't you? Maybe you couldn't bear the pressure of lying to me? Or did you decide it wasn't even worth the effort?" This time Emma had to suppress a sob, but she could not stop thick tears from starting to run down her cheeks.

"I was coming back to you, Emma. The return trip was scheduled for next Saturday." He defended himself in a weak voice. It wasn't enough for her, because she still did not know the reasons that had made him travel in the first place. She was about to reply when he continued. "I wasn't abandoning you. I just needed a few days to think about all this. I also know what it is to lose someone. I could never do that to you, Emma, I promise."

Emma hesitated again, her heart beating frantically in her chest. The hurt was evident both in his broken voice and in his expression. But when she processed his words, she felt a new twinge go through her. "It's not the same and you know it. Your mother, Liam, Milah, they all died. They're dead." She was aware of the damage he was inflicting with her words, but she was unable to stop, a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings swirling inside her, struggling to surface. She did not have the strength to fight against them. "They didn't choose to leave you. But what about me? Starting with your friends, they all chose and decided that I wasn't enough. Everyone - even you."

"That's not true, Emma, they chose to come back for you." Killian got up trying to reach her.

"No!" She stopped his advance, feeling an extreme exhaustion overtake her. "I can't continue with this." Her voice trailed off as she wiped her tears and began to walk in the direction of the front door. She felt again a lost girl, confused and adrift, without anyone to turn to, without knowing who to trust anymore.

"Emma, wait!" She stopped but didn't turn around, unable to hold his gaze and his stormy expression again, "I understand and accept that you are mad at me, but they are your parents. They love you. Please, Emma, I'm begging you, give them at least an opportunity to explain themselves."

A new wave of tears began to slide down her cheeks. Parents... She not only hadn't been enough for them when she was born, but neither was her when they found her, choosing not to confess the truth.

There was something even more painful, something that squeezed her stomach to the point of feeling almost physically sick. They, her parents, had chosen to act as substitute parents of another person, precisely the person she had fallen in love with and who had betrayed her in a cruel way. Because of them. They had chosen Killian over her - taking care of him instead of doing it with her when she needed them the most.

"My parents died in a traffic accident when I was three years old." She muttered before finally leaving his apartment.

Killian Jones. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

Killian watched helplessly as Emma left his apartment without him being able to do anything about it. The moment she disappeared from view, he felt as if all his energy had been drained from his body, noticing how a sense of emptiness invaded him and left him dazed. Before dropping back onto the couch, he grabbed his phone and typed a quick text.

She already knows. I'm deeply sorry, Dave. KJ

Then he switched off the device and left it on the coffee table. The feeling of despair was so intense that his body began to tremble slightly. He closed his eyes resting his head against the back of the sofa, but that did not alleviate his internal agitation. He had failed not only Emma but his friends. He could never forgive himself.

//

TheLadySwan .........

//

I'm sorry, again... Thanks for reading. Let me know what did you all think :)

What to expect from the next chapter? As many of you had already imagined, Emma hasn't taken well to know the truth. We will see how she feels after her confrontation with Killian and how Killian and the Nolans deal with this new unfortunate situation.