#i literally left bc of how ive been treated for a YEAR. it had nothing to do with israel

[captainimprobable]

me: hey whats happening in gaza is awful and the israeli government is awful and it all needs to stop, but also remember that israeli citizens don't deserve to die either

some of yall: white colonizing palestinian hating BITCH

[cruelsister-moved2]

Im the hater anon omg i didnt mean to lead u astray but i haven't finished it i'm just over half done. i probably will finish just so i can coherently say why i don't like it bc rn my thoughts are all over the place but  u hit all the major points im like nodding and taking notes rn.  Its very shallow lore wise like its all overly complex exposition that barely effects the plot. I could write about this for 100 years but basically it was boring and i just feel like it has nothing to say like theres no purpose or message and i think speculative stuff should have SOME weight behind it idk.  That paired w how the writing itself is like..not pretty or artful or anything………………….

And on top of that its not even actually funny. Instead of real jokes its just 100 million mcu quips awkwardly inserted so that no situation is ever treated genuinely or seriously or with depth. For example. My personal least favorite part beyond general quality so far is how often they bring up gideon being inappropriately horny… idk how else to word it.. Its one of her 3 personality traits. they mention her porn collection i swear every couple of pages. its played 4 jokes but like the rest of it its literally unfunny and feels so out of place. Like this is right when they just discovered an incinerated body → ”she looked troubled, which made Gideon sad, but she was also soaked right through to the skin, which made Gideon need a lie-down.” Its like if someone whose only point of reference was tiktok during that era where every vaguely masc woman got made fun of for being a quote hey mamas lesbian unquote tried to write a masc woman.  Reading it as a masc lesbian myself is just sort of embarrassing idk if other ppl feel differently but it just feels overplayed and goofy. 

Anyways… this is all very long and incoherent but thank u for complaining and vindicating me… i started reading it a couple days ago on a whim bc ive been seeing ppl talk abt it a lot lately and i was instantly SOOOOO disappointed. Part of it was definitely that i was expecting something very different because of how people talk about it but also its just like bad. Its insane. I also had no idea abt the roachpatrol thing so ummmmmm :(

hiiiiiiiiii omg so your suffering isn't even over yet my condolences.

the worldbuilding exposition industrial complex needs to end im so serious. I just had such a nice conversation with some writer friends about soft vs hard magic systems and world-building and how frustratingly common the assumption that more complex lore you dump the more sophisticated your story is at the moment. in reality many more sophisticated stories deliberately utilise abstraction and whimsy for thematic statements. v happy for brandon sanderson fans but again, a lot of those stories are basically like mystery novels except the magic is the mystery, whereas the speculative fiction authors who... actually speculate...are often using it as a tool to speculate about our own existence.

and the writing is so ugly like I've read a couple of chapters and I feel like i could get through a mid story if it's at least well written but it wasn't even inoffensive it was actively offputting like that prose was stinkyyyyyyyyy..... and the quips exactlyyy like who is laughing at none pizza with left beef anymore and the fact a lot of it isn't even the author being witty but just like. a reference to a meme? it's literally supposed to be like gritty but then everyone is memeing and quipping all the time how are you meant to take that seriously?

and okay the like sexualisation of Gideon had kind of been my suspicion but I hadn't read enough to make that claim for certain so. that's disappointing to have it confirmed. given that the author is a fem woman who calls herself a lesbian whilst being homestuck married to a guy, it really brings up some kind of discomfort in me to be using masc women that way and making a joke out of them and their sexuality and calling them himbos and shit like. it really doesn't seem like she actually knows any masc women??? and when that was a huge part of the marketing for the book it comes to feel exploitative.

one thing to be aware is that tor like. pushed it really hard marketing-wise for whatever reason. I guess they feel it symbolises a new era of sci-fi and like were using it as an outreach effort to engage the generation that mostly only reads fan fiction or whatever which I guess cheers if it achieves that. but the majority of negative reviews are specifically that it was nothing like what they expected it to be, because of the.... super gimmicky marketing.

the tagline being sword necromancer lesbians in space or something so lame 😭 and it really seems like the elements came first and the justification came second so it's never really explained why they use swords instead of more technologically advanced weapons (bc the answer is 'it sounds cool') or really why it needs to be in space at all (because the answer is 'it sounds cool'). even the necromancy is supposedly fairly tangential and ive seen people be underwhelmed how much actual lesbianism is involved too 💀

9mbut yeah the r0ach patr0l thing I wish people were more aware of because honestly above anything else, I've seen people who were fans and then found this out and felt super uncomfortable so I think people deserve to know what kind of background she has, and this is literally where she developed her writing and her name as a BNF so it's directly connected to her current career not just like a celebrity who tweeted something dumb when they were 14. like I think it's fair to take that into account + idk it's INTERESTING to me that she went from that to debuting with a masc lesbian whom she projects like comic hypersexuality onto it really is all much to think about truly

[faggotmox]

ranger vents abt the doctor's office under the cut

there was something truly unhinged abt a thing that happened today.

the last primary care appointment i had went really bad, my nurse practitioner so very horrible to me. i ended up very nonverbal during the appointment bc she was so horrible to me, she refuses to treat me like im autistic. when i bring up concern abt certain things she completely shut it down, blames it on me, ect. (as if its my fault my t shot routine is disrupted by her not sending my t script to my pharmacy. she often takes a week to refill my t, & often doesn't send or write the script for needles/syringes). anyways, the point is last time i saw this lady i was non-verbal, shaking, very negative body language, ect.

so today i went to my therapy appointment which is in the same clinic. as my therapist was walking me out, my np came out of her office & cornered me in the hallway. she was smiling at me all sweet & said, i fuckin kid you not, this bitch said to me "you look a lot better than the last time i saw you. are you feeling better?"

miss ma'am, i just spent a week immobile bc you refuse to do anything abt my autoimmune disorder, my joint damage/pain, & muscle issues. i can "look better" bc i wasn't seeing her & i wasn't *AFRAID* bc i wasn't supposed to see her. my entire demeanor changed when she started talking to me. i told her "im feeling a little bit better. but then again therapy with [therapist name] always makes me feel a little better." & she just...it just went right over her head.

the last time i was seeing her she told me she needed to give me "tough love" basically bc i ask for the same things over & over & she does nothing abt them so i come off as whiny & like im refusing to fix my own issues (as iff i didn't start working out, wearing inserts in my shoes, eating better, working on my posture, going to therapy, ect isn't trying to remedy or lessen some of my issues).

like what fucking medical professional thinks they need to give their disabled, under-serviced, abuse survivor patient "TOUGH LOVE"

for years & god damn years i was written off for all manner of reasons by medical professionals. it turns out im not just a fat, lazy pieace of trash & that's not the reason my back hurts. my motherfucking back hurts bc i have a very severe, special form of arthritis mixed with bursitis. in high school i "hurt" my back to the point i legit could not love over five times, each time i was just told i was too fat & needed to exercise. i lost over 100 pounds, worked out for my disibities, & protected my back. IT DID LITERALLY NOTHING TO RELIEVE ANY SYMPTIONS . what tough love do i need? when the world has been tough on me since day one.

the amount of "rare" issues ive had SINCE BIRTH (i was born with a literal one in a million skin disease that is a congenital birth defect except for IN ME THE WEIRD CASE where it was a mutation & there weren't genetic markers for the disease even though i had one of the most documented cases of the disease. i was born autistic & waved every single autistic red flag including the big one: delayed speech. the stomach issues i always had that were bc im gluten & soy intolerant that were again just blamed on my being fat & eating badly. theres so many examples i can keep going) is staggering & the majority of it has been ignored or misdiagnosed.

i just don't think i, or anyone else, deserve to get "tough love" from thier medical professional. ive had tough love all my fuckign life & its whats killing me. idk im just ranting now but i just dont understand how these fucking people can & are allowed to get away with literal abuse. i came from a truly abusive clinic, & while this new one isn't nearly as bad it's still abusive. my np is still abusing me by refusing to believe me & take care of me in a timely manner. my pain scale maxes out in the regular basis. i was standing at work today on only my right leg bc my left knee was so, so fucking painful i couldn't put pressure on it. when my move you can hear pops & cracks, & they dont stop. i just moive my shoulder & it makes loud sounds.

but yeah i just need to do more or whatever. im just a lazy piece of trash & my physical & mental state are just my fault. i wish i could break her legs & tell her to just keep walking. i wish i could get her career ruined bc she, & everyone else like her, is ruining my life. if i kill myself some day it wil, without a doubt, be a result of these things. i've lived my life for over twenty five year begging & pleading for help bc im hurting so fucking much. i used to pray that i'd have to be put in a wheelchair.

why is it okay for people to tell me live like this when they have the power to help? every medical professional ive ever had deserves to live a month in my life. in constant pain & nausea, unable to eat or sleep right, unable to do things normal folks can do. i hope & pray these people also wish for death. i hope they know my pain bc i fucking hate them & they deserve the horrible life i live.

[srlkiller]

ive realised that my self esteem & just general ‘sense of self’/love for myself is so awful & low.. horribly dependant & reliant on something or someONE else these days & i absolutely fucking loathe myself for ittttttt bc im beyond self aware.. yet ive jus never been loved my entire life by even my own parents to be shown that im worth a singular fuck so the bar is so low for humans… i seemingly will jus allow the fucking worst bc i guess subconsciously that’s what ive always been taught/shown/drilled into me by my parents to believe that i deserve? wen i know it’s not at all bc literally NO ONE deserves to be treated like shit by another human being. i have trouble saying the words no to other people. i have a lot of trouble just standing up for myself these days.. especially the lonelier i get, the more isolated i have become & older ive gotten. i found comfort in being alone & definitely got to know myself sm better.. then i went thru horrible shit all over again & lost myself completely.. all over again.. & haven’t been able to rebuild myself back up since then.. ive only gone downhill.. over & over & over. i know that I AM the only one that inevitably can help myself & save myself.. i have to do the work & put in the effort etc etc but it’s so hard with absolutely ZERRROOO support system of any kind & feeling like you have nothing & no one.. not one family member.. not one pet.. nothing at all anymore. everything has been ripped from me, taken by force or by death itself. I’ve been broken sm times but now that ive finally been able to let someone in again on some kind of romantic level.. im terrified.. so im letting them jus walk all over me which is the total opposite of who I am & everything i stand for, emulate as a woman & my whole fucking energy as a being. i don’t recognise myself at all so ive totally seperated myself from whoever this is.. the body, the mind.. the soul. i numb every feeling n thought i can.. whenever i can. but wow just having this huge surgery & putting my body under such duress & jeopardy was lowkey such a wake up call bc wtf?! IVE NEVER DONE NO SHIT LIKE FHIS BEFORE FOR ANYONE ELSE?!?! AND FOR WHAATTTT?!?! HE HAD THE PERF OPPORTUNITY TO DO EVERYTHING FHE RIGHT WAY N STILL FUXKED IT UP TO SATISFY HIS OWN SELFISH NEEDS.. so wtf am i doing? what am i doing risking myself for someone like that… i look stupid, feel stupid.. & could get left at any minute which would send me spiraling for someone who is quite frankly… not even close to what i need in a man or what ive ever wanted. im simply cheating myself out of a great self help story.. as i turn 29.. i reach my last year if my 20’s & I’ll b damned if i waste that shit on some young dumb n full of cum mf who doesn’t even give a fuck ab my health in any capacity who is probably lying n doing god knows what behind my back anyway… I seriously just need to put myself first.. just try.. I need to try. bc remember when I did? how proud I was? how it worked? it’s always worked. time to start writing goals n writing shit down again.. as we start approaching this date n it gets closer n closer.. on the 25/11/23 I’ll be 29 yall. it’s the 13/11/23 today. 11 days to get things in order. my goals don’t even need to be big I jus need to get things ‘in order’… ‘ready for 29’ sounds like a cool lil title.. as my bday is pretty much leading into the New Year anyway it’d b cool to get a lil head start on others too. like the needles into my head for alopecia which I have an appt for jus before my bday.. lashes n brows I have that appt for.. i needa get my actual hair done somehow.. before nye!! change my piercings to cold & possibly get another?! more tattoos!! coverup of the Drake matching one for sure. Look into studying pharmacology or some other career pathway course.. possibly something with units I’ve completed already at uni?? i need to write a list.. basically is what I’m saying as some things are more easy fix small goals that are appearance self care based, some are medium level, some are mental, some are spiritual, some are academic, some will take

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[campyvillain]

i just deleted this post ^ bc i’ve been seeing it circulate more but without the additions i’ve made n honestly i’ve had it up to here lmao

for like months on end ppl have been reblogging this unknowing that this led to me getting diagnosed w aphasia after an incident at school a few years ago that left me w some brain damage that went undetected at the time. while it answered a lot of things for me it also made a lot of things worse. originally when i didn’t know i had aphasia, i was fine w ppl reblogging it but now seeing people reblog it with things like “LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY HAHA ITS FUNNY THAT THIS PERSON JUST FORGETS THINGS A LOT” or people treating it like a spectacle or worst of all i’ve seen people REDRAWING IT WITH CHARACTERS FROM FANDOMS!!!! LIKE REDRAWING ME LITERALLY GETTING A DIAGNOSIS FOR BRAIN DAMAGE WITH FANDOM CHARACTERS. like i’m not even a person and that my struggles are the main center point.

and look i’m not here to say you CANT laugh at this post. i have many times and i’m genuinely thankful i learned i had aphasia even if it wasn’t thru conventional means but good god am i fucking tired of seeing people treat my condition as a joke. i am fucking tired of seeing people treat me like i’m lesser or that aphasia is a funny thing to go through.

aphasia is not a fun thing to deal with. there’s times where it feels like hell. i forget major parts about things i am extremely passionate about. there’s times where i forget what my house looks like, or where i even live. worst of all, what i before being diagnosed chocked up as nothing but typical monthly art block has instead being me forgetting entire parts of how to do art and having to pick up the pieces over the course of weeks to the point where even simple things can seem virtually impossible to draw. i say this is the worst because art is genuinely my main passion in life like in a way i can’t describe and having to deal with that at least once a month when i know i have the capability to do amazing things but my condition is halting me back from achieving that greatness is. fucking infuriating.

so yeah. there’s no harm in laughing at this post because it is really funny. i don’t blame you if you do. but to see it and then to decide trivialize aphasia like it’s just “haha funy dumb forget disorder” is really upsetting, and just shows that the ableism on this site, especially towards those w conditions that affect memory, is way more prevalent than you may think because for half a year ive had to put up w comments like that. with people basically calling me dumb because of something literally engraved in my brain. and i’m done. even though i like this post because it let to a major veil looming over my life to be lifted….you guys really gotta treat disabled people with Basic Human Respect for once LMAO

[steveandbucky]

if i say that i think “monogamy conflicts with the inherent nature of human beings” it does NOT mean that i think it’s a Bad and Unnatural thing. it literally links back to our whole, We Are Social Creatures DNA thing im always talking about. this is gonna get long but i am trying to make a point.

why is it considered “cheating” if you meet someone who gives you a little bit of that ~ butterflies~ feeling? the idea is that if u have my boygirlfriend and u meet someone who gets ur heart racing? ur not allowed to even feel that kind of physical attraction for anyone else bc it's Cheating. im sorry. WHAT. it makes no sense whatsoever. as an analogy, if u have a sex dream about whoever, would it be okay for someone to make you feel bad about it? about things your unconscious mind came up with in a dream state? no bc thats not how it works.

but this is my logic here.

when i told my friend, “it’s okay you can have a little attraction to men...as a treat....” like whats wrong with that? nothing? doesnt make you any less lesbian! bc its so not in the way str8 dudes fetishising wlw think their magic dick is whats missing from ur life. easy there mr testosterone u can be replaced by a zucchini.jpg (sigh. i have to say it im sorry. please do not put any fruit or vegetables or other edible phallic objects in your private parts. there are toys. there are many many safe to use toys). and not in the way that “sexuality is fluid” or “its a spectrum” or “everyone is a little bi” NO shut up. maybe its that ur attracted in the ‘gender envy’ way or the ‘platonic crush’ way or even the ‘your vibes are so sapphic’ way lmao. like why is half of hozier’s fanbase made up of wlw???? he has the vibes idk what to tell u its pretty soft boy syndrome thats my type anyway 😌

so if i were to say “its okay you can have a little attraction to a pretty person...as a treat..” in that youre not doing anything wrong, it doesn’t invalidate your exclusive/monogamous relationship or identity, and im not talking about it in the sense that you would act on it or are fantasising. i just mean in the way that you have eyes and you experience attraction (romantic and/or sexual) and trying to deny yourself that is only gonna result in more repression and guilt? what are you, catholic? (for legal purposes this is a joke) (or is it?)

some people just radiate the kind of energy i am drawn to. some people have the physical attributes of the people my gay ass 6 year old imprinted on. in the healthiest relationship i have ever been in, to a guy who wasn’t ever actually interested in Men, i had maintained “if you wanna go fuck a guy, im not stopping you. i have none of the physical attributes you would be looking for, hypothetically speaking,” etc etc like. it’s kind of the opposite of the Straight Fear "my bisexual SO is gonna leave me for [person of same gender as them]” and this is just me, because i dont care. there wasn’t any infidelity but i’d openly gush about girls even from the beginning and he dgaf lmao i love his apathy sometimes go girl give us nothing! we were the blueprint idc

there’s just. this idea. its the way the straights (eh, or at least, misogynistic brainwashed incel type men) have been talking about "im fucking my SO but thinking about other people" like thats just the message ive been getting. correct me if im wrong. pop culture and all. uhhh. cant.. relate? just because someone else made u HORNY???? if ur horny, look at ur right hand. now look at ur left hand. now look at the technological advancements of our time. ur welcome. sorry im not into using people to scratch the itch! if i wanna fuck someone its bc theyre hot and im into them! im not gonna be secretly thinking about getting railed by rachel weisz. and no matter what anyone says there is intimacy!

im saying that its completely normal to experience that ‘alterous attraction’ and hey maybe it is my primal-evolutionary ADHD brain but if it is, it is Correct. that you can ‘look respectfully’ and you can feel your feelings (even if said feelings last two minutes or a week or a year or two) i’ve been saying “i love too much care too much feel too much” (derogatory) but then i turned around and said “i love everybody because i love you” (affectionate)

its the “i fall in love a little ol' little bit every day with someone new” and “i love you” / “it’ll pass” and “nothin' lasts forever but this is gettin' good now” and “you are my favourite what if / you are my best i’ll never know” and “wanting was enough / for me it was enough” and my personal favourite peak lesbian brain experience “i see girls in my building / i see girls on the train / i've got the girls on my mind all the time” im sorry but have you SEEN women? exactly.

this idea that promiscuity is okay for men, but definitely not for women, and you’re not allowed to have sex or even want to have sex with people. plural. people. just. because. its fun. holy shit. we are, the entire world, fucking repressed. we can talk about it like when you're in the beginning and ur all over each other bc it's new and exciting and it's infatuation! there's something fun about that! it’s the Primal Instinct and idk why we’re meant to deny that either. because it’s not just that. its not just the dopamine.

why do we form bonds with the people we fuck when our brains are like, “fine. here, you can have a little oxytocin... i’d rather you do it in the house bla bla bla” as if we’re gonna sit here and pretend that it doesn’t get better anyway???? you become physically familiar and it's in the same way we talk about love languages “we’ve had one, yes. what about second love language?” and that’s the physical one akdgjakgh IM SORRY. we learn about each other’s love languages and sex languages. it checks out idk

but back to the main point, that We Are Social Creatures.

i mean, even if are monogamous by choice, because we evolved in the way that both parents take care of the children - but so do their neighbours and their siblings and friends like this is the ‘destroy the nuclear family norm’ essentially and its such a westernised concept. it just doesn’t make sense to me!! and im not trying to push a non-monogamous agenda or whatever, as with everything in life, it is about freedom of choice (without judgmenent, risk of physical/mental harm, etc etc)

but we’re talking about queer history and gay pride because homosexuality has existed for centuries. sorry the straights whitewashed history ig. but why is it far-fetched to say, actually, what we call now ‘queerplatonic relationships’ or ‘collectivist culture’ or that proverb about how ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ like. im pretty sure these things have also existed for centuries. we’ve just been brainwashed into thinking. that they’re unnatural, immoral, or otherwise Wrong and Bad.

but in the way i was rambling and talking about why are we going against our nature and i said “what. its like there are rules for human beings that were not created by a human being. im sure im onto smth here 👀🤭” without realising where i was going and im like. ah. yes. religion. excellent.

what can i say, im a rabid anti-christian hopeless romantic sexual deviant<3

[necro-hamster]

ranting abt some shit below

idk if other ppl experience this or not, i havent rlly looked into it, but like. i feel like ever since i realized how badly i'm treated i've just felt so much worse. it's hard to put into words but i almost wish i never caught on because now i'm just so angry. i'm so so so angry all the time over what i've been put through and how it's made me hate myself for years and years and years. literally almost two decades where i wanted to kms because i thought i was unlovable and was doing smth to earn the treatment i was getting. i STILL suffer with those thoughts! and i probably will for a long time! but now that i know why they're happening it almost makes things worse? like now i know what the problem is but i can't fix it and it's so frustrating. there's nothing i can do about it right now. it'll be years before i'm out of this situation. and idk what to do about that. like idk im just so frustrated and every time these ppl hurt me or do smth horrible, stuff that scared the shit outta me as a kid, i just get SO mad about it. like how dare you act that way. i cannot fathom being that type of person for nearly 50 years on end, constantly miserable and aggressive and hateful, and never realizing that maybe you're the problem and should change your behavior. i can't imagine hurting the ppl around you over and over and over again and when they tell you they're hurt you lose your fucking mind and blame them. like jesus christ ignorance sure is bliss huh ! idk im just going thru a lot and this is a lot to deal with mentally, and i feel like. BAD for making my friends hear abt it yk. because it's a draining subject matter and i dont want to just be going on abt it all the time. so im just kind of left to sit on these thoughts on my own. and im still struggling with what to make of them. i just rlly hope i can get thru this man bc at times i rlly doubt it. every other time ive gone thru smth like horrific and traumatizing it just kinda happened and i had to reflect on it once it was already over. but this isnt over and has been going on for years. im literally BEING traumatized. and idk what to do about it

[hmslusitania]

I see we're going ape over buddie and Choices tonight so

Yknow in 2.07, when Shannon comes back and her and Eddie have their first scene together? The argument at the end, after Eddie says it wouldn't be a good idea for her to see Christopher bc she left them, she says she needed him, she needed a husband and a co-parent - and "I needed someone to have my back!"

To which EDDIE says, "I always had your back"

*insert Incredibles "coincidence? I think NOT" gif here*

(Also side note, I do like that the show doesn't try to sugarcoat what Shannon did being messed up, and that Eddie's own actions weren't really the right thing either[thinking about his conversation with Buck where he says he got to pretend he left for a noble cause even tho he was running], and that it was just a sticky situation that neither of them were equipped to handle in any way, and snowballed. I do kind of wish we could've gotten post-divorce Shannon and Eddie and Christopher interactions, figuring out how they fit together, if at all, bc I like those intricate and messy situations but I could see how that might get too close to retreading old ground re: Michael and Athena's divorce. But I do hate how ive seen the fandom like. Seem to oversimplify things with Shannon sometimes? And make her the ultimate villain, and Eddie Did Nothing Wrong, Ever)

Hi Anon!

The decision to have Buck and Eddie's first bonding moment end with "You can have my back any day" and "or, y'know, you could have mine" only to then six episodes later find out that at least a contributing factor to Eddie's marriage dissolving was that he "didn't have her back" is like. Such a galaxy brain chaos move for them to take, honestly. Like?? They could've had the phrasing be literally anything in 2x07 but instead they had it directly echo Buck and Eddie in 2x01. What was the reason? Why did they do this?

As for the rest of your ask:

(gosh this got long and, uh, opinionated. It is Not Pretty below the cut)

One of the things I really liked about Eddie Begins is that we did get to see him at the beginning of his journey in being Chris's dad because it gives us an opportunity to appreciate how amazingly he's grown as a father. Like, he didn't start out as a perfect dad and he was definitely kind of lost in the woods at the beginning there when it came to the whole "how do I parent" thing. And before Eddie Begins, we'd only ever seen the end result of the growth he's gone through, where he really is a fantastic dad whose son is basically his entire reason for being. Before Eddie Begins, we get to hear him say things like "I left first" and "I've failed that kid more times than I can count but I love him enough to never stop trying" but we kinda have to take that on faith? Because we hadn't actually seen him be anything besides a good dad until we saw his Begins episode. (And even then in his begins it's like "area man in his early 20s unsure how to care for small child while also coping with PTSD and a toxic support system" which like. yeah. no shit. there's one hell of a learning curve there)

The thing about Eddie and Shannon as a couple and as parents that always gets to me is that they were so fucking young. We don't know exactly how old Eddie is in the show, but we can guesstimate pretty safely that he's around the same age as Ryan which would make him between 23 and 24 when Chris was born, and it seems reasonable to believe Shannon was around the same age. It's also a pretty common reading in the fandom -- although I'm not sure how much canon support there is for it because we really, really don't know anything about their relationship pre-Christopher unless I'm forgetting something -- that they got married because Shannon got pregnant and that was the Done Thing. And when you're 23-24, baby on the way, freshly married, that is just like. So much. It sure as hell ruined my parents' relationship when they did that exact thing, and then they disliked each other until they were 27 and then they got divorced, and no one was happier than me about it, I have to tell you.

Back to the show, I can only give you my impressions, obviously, but the impression I have always gotten from the whole "I left too" conversation and the context that goes into it and the different behaviours we see exhibited by the characters is that Eddie "left" first and it comes across to me that he was basically an early twenty-something kid running scared from the abstract concept of being a father in general, and then when he was forced home by an honourable discharge, and was confronted with the reality of Christopher, he managed to step the fuck up and become Christopher's dad. It's there in 2x02, right? "Oh, you've got a kid? I love kids!" "I love this one." Eddie doesn't strike me as a Swiss Army Knife all-purpose Dad(tm) the way Bobby is. Eddie is Christopher's dad. (and like, of course, he's obviously moved by kids when he's on a call, we've seen that enough times to know that if there's a child who can even glancingly remind him of Christopher, Eddie's sense of self-preservation goes out the window, and I love that about him as heart-stopping as it can be in practice)

Shannon, on the other hand, didn't run from the idea of being a mother -- at first. When she left, it wasn't from the abstract. She left Chris (and "gave up" on Eddie, thanks Helena). She was not running from a concept, she was running from a reality. I think Shannon is a fascinating character to include in a television show as a side character, because she really isn't a one note character. Like, she was unarguably a bad mother, and from what we saw, she was a questionable romantic partner to have (but as you said, anon, Eddie was also not 100% the best romantic partner when he was with Shannon either; their entire relationship so far as I can tell was built on sexual chemistry which, uh, super does not sustain a relationship), but she also seems to have been a devoted daughter? I mean, yeah, it's entirely possible that her mom being sick was a convenient excuse to bail -- and obviously she didn't come back after her mom died, and didn't, y'know, contact her son or husband in the interim, so yes, I can see that being a valid way to read the situation. I don't think she's the Ultimate Evil, because she strikes me as a very human character in all the ways that people are more often than not really fucking flawed.

But then we get back to the actual break-up scene. The first time I watched it (and second, and third; then the fourth time the person I was watching with was like "I mean, sure, but it could also be read in this light") her "I'm just learning how to be someone's mother" speech really bothered me? Partly because it was the abstraction of it, right? Eddie doesn't like kids, he likes Christopher, and Shannon sort of had the inverse journey there, I guess, where it went from she didn't know how to be Christopher's mother, to she didn't know how to be a mother. And that speech bothered me because it always sounded to me like she was bailing again. She begged Eddie to let her back into Christopher's life (guilt? I guess?) and like, straight up bribed him with sex which was sure a choice, and then decides -- for a second time -- that she's out. It sounded, to me, she was handing Eddie papers and maybe, in a few years, possibly, once she'd had "time" to "figure out how to be someone's mother" she would try again. Just like she had in the interim between leaving when Christopher was little and the time of season 2.

And like, that could totally be a misunderstanding of the scene and what she was saying. It's what I took away from it, but that could very well be influenced by the fact I was raised by divorced parents and my dad had custody and if you count up all the time I spent with either parent when I was a minor, I was predominantly raised by my father and have had an especially tempestuous relationship with my mother that is mostly (sometimes) repaired now that I'm in my late twenties and have not lived with her since I was sixteen.

Back to the show, and to your comment that the fandom tends to treat Shannon like the Ultimate Evil and act like Eddie Did Nothing Wrong, I mean. Yeah. Fandom as a rule tends to shirk nuance. We're all fools here on the internet sitting in our blue industrial waste container crying about a wee woo show. I personally believe a more nuanced take on that might be that Eddie has shown a great capacity to learn from his mistakes (sometimes to make fun, shiny, new ones, but for the most part, just like ends up doing better the next time) and Shannon did not show that capacity in the time we knew her.

I think, depending on what they did with it, there was potential for an interesting storyline if they'd played through the divorce. I don't think it would've been rehashing ground covered by Michael and Athena's divorce because I can't see Eddie and Shannon having reached a point of amicability and friendship. The only thing we know they had in common was Christopher, and frankly, when you boil it down, the ways they engaged with Christopher as a person were so disparate that -- to me -- it really didn't seem like they had Christopher in common when you get right down to it. But I wouldn't have wanted to see Christopher and Eddie dragged through an ugly divorce process. They deserve better than that.

There's also a conversation to be had about Shannon's blatant ableism towards her own son, but that is extremely not my lane since I am not disabled myself. But even from an outside perspective, basically their entire parking lot conversation in Haunted, uh, haunts me with it's repugnance and the fact that instead of calling her on any of it, Eddie "Chronically touch starved" Diaz's response was to kiss her? Gosh golly do I wish that was one of the mistakes he learned from properly instead of finding a new, shiny version.

ANYWAY this got long, tl;dr (although if you clicked on the read more, you probably read it) version is No, Shannon is not the Ultimate Evil, she's a shitty mom not a demon in a skin suit and a pretty yellow sundress; and No, Eddie is not a flawless human who's never done wrong in his life but holy fuck is he trying and he'd be the first person to tell you he's made mistakes (and often has been); and no, sorry, I don't want to see the divorce storyline play out because we probably would've had to see either Eddie Bashing, Shannon Redemption, or Shannon turning up again like a cardboard cut out of a cartoon villain the way Eva did and I want to be witness to exactly zero of those things.

[linopetal]

lily calla’s.

genre : mostly angst ( ? )

pairings : na jaemin x reader

warnings : mentions of underage drinking , cursing , like one mention of making out , cheating

word count : 1.8k

authors note : oh wow :O this fic is personal in a way 2 me bc its based off of something that happened to me - today in class i saw a sight and it brought up old feelings which inspired this fic. i hope you enjoy it <3 !

you vividly remember the first time you had met na jaemin. it was your first day in the first grade. you had been so nervous. you were often quite , not outgoing at all , you didnt know how to react when you walked into a classroom full of people. everyone had introduced themselves. but one person stuck out to you , na jaemin. you remember the smile plastered on his face when the bell rang for recess. you ran straight towards the monkey bars. when you looked right behind you , there he was. he slowly walked up towards you with a big welcoming smile on his face, “ hi im jaemin , nice to meet you “ he said. “ oh um im y/n “ you nervously spoke. that had been your first encounter with the black haired boy. and that had been the start of your blossoming love for him.

in the sixth grade , your mom took you to a halloween carnival. you vividly remember the purple and black witch costume your mom made you. you loved that costume. halloween was one of your favorite holidays and times of the year , you always loved trick or treating and getting candy. your mom had decided to take you to a near by carnival. as soon as you got there , you ran to find soonyoung , your best friend since kindergarten. “ y/n do you want to go play go fish ? “ , soonyoung asked you. “ of course “ , you responded. you remember your poor skills of attempting to throw the ping pong ball into the water. after 5 tries you finally decided to give up. but around that time , you saw in the corner if your eye jaemin walking up to you. you had felt butterflies overcrowd your heart. “ hey y/n , i beat i can win you one ! “ he said joyfully. and again you were so happy. you remember him winning you a goldfish. you decided to name it nana after him. you kept that goldfish for years.

in the tenth grade , you remember that you were finally planning to confess. after years of being in denial for how you felt , you finally accepted it was time to tell him. you were mistaken. you and jaemin were only mutual friends , never reaching passed that stage. you didnt talk consistently. so you were taken aback when he randomly walked up to you one day during lunch. you thought that maybe this could be a good time. he looked happy today , maybe you would not receive a bad response. again , you were mistaken. when he finally reached you , he said words that broke you just a little , “ hey y/n ! do you know what somin’s favorite flower is ? i heard you two were friends and i wanted to get her something for her birthday since i kind of like her “ , he said nervously , scratching his head. you gulped , completely overwhelmed with feelings. of course you were happen he liked someone. somin was always kind and funny. how could he not like her ? she was particularly perfect. in this moment , you felt far from even remotely decent. you sighed and looked up with a fake smile , “ of course ! she always told me how she loves lily calla’s ! “ , you said , attempting to try your best at acting fine. beauty....thats what they represent , somin was beautiful. you were decent. she offered more than you could ever. “ thank you y/n “ he smiled and walked off.

you remember how you dreaded the eleventh grade. that year was something you could never forget. jaemin and somin were known as the best couple there was in the school. in class , they always were hand in hand every second and you hated it. it had been so many years yet you still loved him. and how ? you dont even know. but during that school year , you had finally decided something.

you had noticed this boy in your algebra class. his name was lee donghyuck. he was always so funny. he made jokes that could make you laugh endlessly. one day you had decided to ask him out. you knew you werent over jaemin , but you also knew you never had a chance. so you told yourself “ fuck it “ and went for it.

it was an impulsive decision, did it matter to you tho ? no. you nervously walked up to donghyuck with your hands in your pocket as he was putting his books in his locker. “ what do you want y/n “ , he said smirking “ “ hm i was thinking about if you want to go out with me on friday night ? “ you tilted your head towards him , “ i guess so “ he said smiling , “ see you then at eight , pick me up “ you said.

those were all members because now its your senior year and you finally had a boyfriend , couldnt you be more happy ? truthfully , you werent as happy as you planned. you were not over jaemin. you didnt think you ever would be. you tried to fall for hyuck , it was just hard. jaemin had been your one sided first love. but you still tried to love hyuck.

there was a party hyucks friend jaehyun was throwing. he had asked you to come as his date. you were beyond excited since parties with donghyuck had become a usual thing. he had helped you branch out of your shell and get out and experience things more. you were grateful.

you had decided to bring him coffee this morning to discuss him letting you stay at his place friday night after the party. as you were walking up to him , you noticed the change in his mood. why had he been acting strange lately ? for the last week , every time he looked at you , he seemed so uncomfortable as if he didnt want to be around you. you chose to ignore it and let it be. “ hey i brought you coffee like you like it “ , you said smiling “ thanks “ he said shortly , you chose to think he wasnt having a good day. after a few minutes of dry responses from him , you got fed up and left for class , you hoped this week didnt suck.

wrong. friday came along and you felt unusually odd. soonyoung had messaged you about her coming over to get ready for the party with you. as soon as you heard the doorbell ring , you ran towards it. “ soonyoung hi come in “ , “ you look so good “ you said “ no you please “ you both laughed and headed to your room to get ready. “ hey soonyoung , im starting to feel like donghyuck doesnt like me anymore “ you said pouting , “ really , ive seen the way he has acted lately. i hope its just a short phase “ she said patting your shoulder , “ yea me too “ you said slightly smiling. “ you look so hot woah come on lets go “ she said.

arriving at the party , you went straight to find hyuck. you had asked a couple of people where he could have been yet you hot no replies. you decided to wait it out and hopefully he would show up later. you went to grab a drink for yourself when all of a sudden you ran into someone “ oh- oh wait im so sorry “ you said , “ oh no its fine “ the male said and i soon as you looked at him you noticed it was jaemin , “ oh hi jaemin “ “ hi “ he said while chuckling , “ have you seen donghyuck “ “ have you seen somin “ you both said in unison. laughing you both shook your heads no. he looked so beautiful , you thought. you looked so pretty , jaemin thought.

“ well im going to go look for donghyuck “ you waves bye and headed towards the upstairs. you thought maybe he went to use the bathroom. again , wrong. as you walked farther up the stairs , you noticed heavy breathing. at first you were concerned so you made your way to the room you heard it from. as soon as you cracked the door open , you were met with a sight you didnt think you would ever have to see. somin and hyuck in a heavy make out session. “ what the literal fuck “ you steadily said loudly as you opened the door. “ yn i swear its not what you - “ hyuck tried to say but someone cut you off. “ what’s happening here ? “ a male said. as you turned around jaemin was right behind you. “ jaemin - are you sure “ he softly pushed you aside and witnessed the sight for himself. “ what the hell somin ?! i did nothing to you and you pull this shit. “ he said angrily , “ its not my fault you are inlove with the fucking bitch behind you. i needed someone who could love me not you “ she spat out. “ w-what “ you said. “ jaemin you l-love me ? “ you eyes widened. you heart swelled. you didnt know what to feel so you just run outside with him running after you. “ yn wait please ! “ he scream , “ you waited so long ? jaemin why didnt you tell me earlier ? “ you said out of breathe , “ because we never talked , okay i didnt think you liked me back and i still dont think you do “ he said , “ jaemin ive been inlove with you for as long as i can remember. “ you said tearing up and walking towards him , “ r-really ? “ , you nodded hugging him “ yes jaemin , i love you “ he smiled back at you and kissed your forehead , “ i love you too , now come on let me take you home before you get so cold “ he said “ your too perfect na jaemin , too perfect “ you both smiled. “ oh and jaemin , lily calla’s were always my favorite “ you said softly smiling , “ yea ive always known “ . many things were wrong in this world. you and jaemins mere love for each other was not one of them.

[funny-house]

huhu u got me to watch opal the other day since u keep talking abt it and im glad bc i Really Enjoyed It but !! anyways , i saw u mention mirror man doing makeup for someone and i keep thinking about it so Thoughts Incoming sorry in advance lmao. i think he would like to do claires makeup (and teach her abt it in general) when she gets a bit older,, both bc it seems like a legitimate hobby he would enjoy (i imagine if he werent Like That he probably could have been a makeup artist or something similar!) and bc he would like to ‘prettify’ her a bit.

and ah well,,, a lot of parents Like Him sometimes try 2 make their child a carbon copy of themselves or of an image they enjoy so if he grew to like claire more or already does like her enough for that (or just, wants things to revolve around him More) hed try to nudge things in that direction. and in his own way i think He might think hes doing something good, he knows when he was her age he would have killed to have a parent so eager to help him learn makeup and stuff but. claire isnt him. she probably isnt even interested in it at all but shes kinda desperate for Nice Moments and also doesnt wanna risk making him angry so she goes along with it. she always has her head in the clouds so all the things hes saying is too much at once but shes trying to comprehend it,,,,,

nd he keeps giggling at her for how awkwardly she moves her arm when putting on foundation and blush nd gets kind of annoyed with her for repeatedly flinching when he tries to help her with mascara nd teases her a bit for trying to taste the lip gloss (and keeps pointing out a flaw or two on her face “well, youve always had a sort of weird shaped face but youve always had the cutest little smile, its like Mine :)”) but they do it !! together !!! and nothing (that) bad happened !!!!!! so claire is happy,,,,,,,,,,, until that inevitably opens the gates of him trying to pick out what she wears for her and “””suggesting””” hairstyles for her and getting manipulative and even flatout Angry when she doesnt do what he wants her to (bc even when things Seem like theyre about claire they Are Not, its what He wants for her , in the end its still all about him) but, ive rambled enough to you already <:o) sorry for talking so much i just wanted to chat a bit abt opal with you !!!! hope ur doing well hehe . and im sorry this is rambly nd probably incomprehensible i just did a lot of work hkehri

ohhhhhhhh !!! FIRST  I am super glad that all my constant rambling about this man has allowed you to go watch Jack Stauber’s awesome little short, it’s really good and deserves all the support !!!

also i totally appreciate you wanting to share your thoughts with me ;u;

AND I TOTALLY AGREE  the whole idea of him projecting himself onto her, trying to take over her, I think that is so fitting for the short itself tbh, because it’s a reflection ( mirrors, hehe ) of what the mother wants from Claire as well. The thing that terrified Claire near the end is the mother reaching to hold onto her, specifically after the mom said that she was going to become just like her. The idea of her becoming her parents? it terrifies her, clearly!!

And Mirror Man, he is what they call a “archetypal narcissistic abuser”, in my eyes at least,  and it would be really really common to see someone like that not only be so controlling and self absorbed that they treat their child like a decoration to themselves, but also use that child, especially as they get old enough to have opinions on the situation, to turn them against their partner-- such as.... the mom

so picture this

Claire is like 10-12, and she’s bright and she’s got a good heart but she’s WELL and truly Affected by the years of being brought up in that ridiculously toxic hell hole-- I mean house no idea if the grandpa would live that long uhhh in his state, but even if he does, he’s still very sick, disabled, and senile and he isn’t going to be much help. and Claire, she’s starting to have Opinions,, on how things are running around here,,      but in swoops Mirror Dad

He’s like........ it’s your mother’s fault. Oh, absolutely, have you seen her? I mean look at her, she’s disgusting. she’s a drug addict, she’s a drunk, she’s ugly, she’s the reason you feel like this-- and maybe some of that is understandable, i mean she’s a real mess of a mom, no mistake, but hey

Nobody’s going to tell Claire who made her that way! Nobody’s going to tell her Mirror Dad was the one who trapped her in an unloving, possibly violent relationship, with a kid, and ripped apart every inch of her self worth !!!

Nope. she just sees the aftermath. So mirror dad...... turns claire on her. And she starts to side with him on things and she starts to even kinda talk like him maybe even....... learns how to do that dark and scary insecurity voice of his and one day She walks by the.... Reflection Chamber and Mirror Man is there in that way He Always Is in that seat he always sits in, and he says something very very odd to her!   he raises a finger and curls it in and says    come sit on my lap you haven’t gotten too big to sit on my lap have you?? come here!! and i mean Claire is still very very uncomfortable even being near him, and this feels like a trap, but i mean she can’t just say no, and there’s a part of her that’s kinda hoping... maybe he really is trying to be nice. and so she does and she sits with her but you’ll notice he is never looking directly at her. Even as she’s approaching literally right in his line of sight, he stares straight into her reflection, never her face.  It’s like she’s not even real unless she’s in those mirrors.

And he tells her he wants to do her makeup! yay! how fun! and he tells her to close her eyes and pout her lips and try not to flinch when the sculpting starts or he’ll use his deep voice-- and how he’s going to finally FIX her. Goody!! then maybe the constant barrage of insults and negs and criticisms will stop!! (p.s. they wouldn’t have )

And so she opens her eyes..... and the face of her abuser is looking right back. It’s her face. Or it used to be-- now it’s literally his and it’s hideous-- it does not AT ALL belong on that body, and the only thing left of her is her big shiny eyes

and she  S C R E A M S that way Claire does,,,

but this time, loud enough to crack the mirrors, and stun the dad just long enough for him not to catch her in his hands when she leaps off his lap and books it for the attic the attic, the view of the billboard with the same worn out, not updated ad for Opal’s in the window. She locks the door, it doesn’t take long for mirror man to come banging on it, telling her she’s ungrateful, she doesn’t deserve what little she has, taking back every nice thing he ever said, etc,,,

and Opal just starts clawing off the makeup/clay/whatever from her face in the mirror’s glass reflection, putting her hair back into the pigtails her father said made her look stupid

but she isn’t Opal, she’s changed, she’s aged, but Opal-- she’s always the same!! happy!! cared for!! and what is she supposed to be under the makeup? huh? Who is she besides the abuse she’s put through, that billboard and what it sells to her?  she doesn’t know! nobody does nobody ever bothered to get to know what it even means to be Claire.

[gagmebucky]

FUCK q im so sad and angry FHSK YOU DONT HAVE TO READ THIS SUPER LONG ANNOYING RANT YOU JUST MAKE ME FEEL SAfe

OKAY SO I WORK AT A HOSPITAL and I’m going into my sophomore year of college and I wanted to get some experience in a summer job and I just do registration and I had over 20 hours of training but it was so half assed I barely learned anything!! Which is ridiculous bc there’s so many things to learn about insurances and I know literally nothing!! Whenever I have a question for the supervisors they basically tell me to figure it out myself and I’ve been doing that but last night I worked from 11PM-7AM (i just got home UGH) and it was my first shift ever at the front desk and I WAS NEVER TRAINED FOR THE FRONT DESK SO I WAS SHITTING MYSELF but it went surprisingly well?? Like there wasn’t anything too difficult to handle and i was so excited to go home BUT THEN AT 6:55 LITERALLY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE I HAD TO CLOCK OUT THIS NURSE (HIS NAME IS FUCKING JOHN) STARTS SCREAMING AT ME

And at this point I’m so sleep deprived and confused I’m kind of just staring at him and he keeps repeating the same thing til I process it and I said sorry like 5-6 times?? BUT HE KEPT YELLING AT ME??????

JOHN was mad bc there was a patient in the waiting room who was waiting for 13 minutes and I didn’t tell him that someone was there which I agree is my fault BUT!!!!!!! John was there when I checked him in!! And in the very minimal training I had we were told to not bother the nurses unless a patient is having chest pain or difficulty breathing bc we don’t want to rush the nurses and they’ll get to it on their own time,, and John was sitting there when I checked the patient in but after I put the hospital bracelet on and everything, John left to get breakfast??? 8 of the 13 minutes the patient spent waiting was because JOHN LEFT TO GET A BAGEL - So I thought that he know there was a patient waiting but just wasn’t prioritizing him, then when he came back he was setting up his computers and equipment and I didn’t want to tell him to hurry up

But then he stomps over to me and takes his mask off and gets in my face?? Which is gross?? And he starts lecturing me about how my job is to tell him when patients are there like!!! YOUR JOB IS TO EXAMINE THE PATIENTS?? AND NOT LEAVE TO GET A BAGEL WHEN PATIENTS ARE WAITING??

And the worst part is!! I have only been working for two weeks and this is the fourth time I’ve been screamed at by a nurse and it’s ridiculous?? They doctors and nurses arent my boss and I get I have to respect them but it’s so gross they constantly yell at me and my coworkers omg. I wanted to be a nurse but now thinking about it makes me feel gross M I HATE PEOPLE OMG i spent the whole car ride crying and i want to quit but i want this job and im conflicted!! Im extremely sensitive and someone slightly raising their voice at me sends me over the edge!!!!!

OH MY GODDDDD THIS SOUNDS SO STRESSFUL IM :( FOR YOU AND 😡🔪 @ FUCKING JOHN LITERALLY WHAT A BITCH ASS PRICK YOURE IN A FIELD PREDICATED ON THE CARE OF OTHERS AND THAT DICKWAD CANT EVEN SHOW U BASIC HUMAN DECENCY??? SEND HIM TO JAIL.. EXECUTION 😡🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

and i fucking FEEL u on the being sensitive part 😭😭 esp when u treat ppl w decency and respect only to have others unnecessarily get nasty with you as if that’ll even be remotely effective!!!!! it does the exact opposite and makes u want to just stop altogether or purposely fuck things up to spite them (me 😭🕴)

but!! if it makes you feel better, something ive noticed is that it does improve over time and although initially it might bother you, you’ll get good at brushing it off and being secure in your own duties and stuff

im so sorry you had to deal w that fucking ASSHOLE i hope he trips and falls and you won’t ever have to work w him again

[bionic-penis]

Since ive been dogging on it so much i will compile my thots on the new deh movie. I don't know anything about music or theatre or movies so this is coming from my perspective as just someone who enjoys things. Some other things that are relevant given the context of the movie is I grew up poor with a single mom and i suffer from depression and anxiety. Okay okay <33 bulleted bc I REFUSE to write smth well thought out this list will be SO petty maybe if the movie was enjoyable i would be nicer <33

Warning for spoilers!!

First off. They cut out almost all the songs that gave insight into how the adults thought and felt. These are SO fucking important to the story as it fleshes the adults out as more than just set pieces. "Does Anybody Have a Map?" was so important because it introduced the Heidi and Cynthia and showed how they were trying their best despite it all. Cutting this out, alongside with "Good For You" trashed any chance we had at understanding either of the mothers. The one saving grace for Heidi was the fact that they left in "So Big/So Small" but it was not enough

Speaking about "Good For You"... GIRL. LITERALLY WHY WOULD YOU CUT OUT THE ONE SONG THAT SEES EVAN HAVING TO CONFRONT HIS MISTAKES???

About Heidi... Her relationship with Evan makes me mad. It always has. He is such a dick to his mom and its not even in a believable way imo. There is NO resolution to this. Heidi just offers him advice and sings a song and thats it. They didnt even really fight!! Evan just said his stupid line about how the Murphy's treat him nicer and they part ways awkwardly. Another nitpick about this scene? It didnt have the iconic "ugliness" of the version that im used to. What I love about that version is how the actresses voice dips and sounds so shaky. I love how she doesnt sound necessarily angry, but heartbroken. She sounds devastated. And while I LOVED the actress in the movie she just didn't deliver that same emotion. It felt forced. And the whole scene felt inconclusive.

Its hard having a mom whos always working I understand and this could have been such an amazing moment to showcase that there is no guilty party in this situation. Just a mom whos trying her best and a son who just wants to connect. BUT DO THEY DO THAT? NO. THEY LIKE TO THINK THEY DID BUT THEY DIDNT. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU OH MT GOD THIS ONE PART OF THE STORY MAKES ME WANT TO EAT TWIGS IT MAKES ME SO UPSET 😭😭😭😭

Another thing is that all the songs seen so Evan centric. He sings most of them and I can only really remember two songs that he wasnt apart of

Which brings me to "Requiem"... Which I hated. And have a BIG nitpick about.

First off. Its just shot bad. Theres this moment where it goes from Zoe walking down the hall at school to Larry walking between cubicles to Cynthia walking down a grocery aisle. I felt nothing. The only good thing to come from this is when we see Larry walking down the same way just to return home to cry in Cynthias arms. This is the one moment that got me. The one moment that felt emotionally weighted.

This song could have been shot beautifully. Switching between perspectives and each Murphy's relationship with Colnnor but it doesn't. It lacks intimacy. Even when Zoe is driving her car pedal to the metal driving down an empty road it fails to connect deeply, especially when this moment is never brought up or expanded upon. Also its stupid because at the speed she was going she would have needed a LOT more time to stop than just the split second she has when the light turns red

Another thing about this car sequence?? No stakes. There are no other cars on the road. It wouldnt have even mattered if Zoe hadnt stopped in time. This is one core issue with the movie: there are no consequences for any actions the characters take. I think that id Zoe had ran the stoplight she could have gotten a ticket and opened up a moment for connection between the Murphy's

On more than one occasion we are forced to endure a montage of events that occur without context that I feel are meant to establish that at least SOMETHING happened but what this does is rush character beats AND, especially, Zoe and Evans relationship

Now I LOVE "Only Us" but one cool song does not a relationship make!!

Also the reoccuring montage of Evan falling out if the tree.... 😐

Its such a serious moment but my friend and I laughed. Yeah.... Fail moment.

The way they depict Connor is fucking disrespectful and I hate it and also its fucking awkward. The only reason i sympathised with him at all during the movie was bc he wasnt evan.

Zoe and Evans relationship have no weight

Zoes relationship with her parents have no weight

Evans relationship with Heidi has no weight

No relationship has weight

Ben Platt makes an awful teenager. I dont care how iconic his voice is as Evan. Awful decision to cast him. What was once an emotional exploration of manipulation and acceptance is now a grown man standing in the middle of the hall pissing off frosh, soph, junior, and senior alike

Also the scene with him in the locker room... What the hell... GIRL what senior has a pe class and also??? How have you lasted that long in the locker room we have been doing this for seven years get with the program

What these sequences of Evan standing around looking like That do is NOT establish his anxiety issues but rather make me more likely to shove him in a locker. Seriously. Its borderline stereotypical and makes me embarrassed to have anxiety

I have not even touched on all that upset me but that is enough talking about the bad musical movie for now. If u disagree with me no you dont amen

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

oh nothing in a book has ever made me as angry as fucking pissed off as i am now about the end of chain of iron and i have a lot to say on it (i have more to say on the last few chapters of chain of iron than i did on the entirety of the folk of the air series)

ill start with being glad lucie was able to raise jesse but definite reylo vibes there and im ignoring the end of that so watch me ignore if lucie dies ill be like yea ya know shes just,,, somewhere else but i hated how many secrets she kept from fucking everyone i mean she didnt tell a single person the whole truth of anything shes got secrets on top of secrets and thats not good but hey matthews drinking isnt good either and no one but the lucie and cordelia ever really say anything about that so theres that and im not counting james’ you dont love anyone as much as you love that bottle or w/e he said bc that wasnt talking to him to try to help and get him to stop drinking that was just a hit bc they were fighting and i hate that i hate that they were fighting bc they wouldnt have been if it wasnt for that fucking bracelet and which has caused so many fucking problems that i could cry in indignation bc its not its not fucking fair james spent the last what three years of his life in a fog not being able to feel and not being able to notice his parabatai slowly spiraling into a drunken depression from something thats not his fault at all i mean yes it is his fault that his mother took the potion but it is not his fault that the baby died thats no ones fault but whoever sold him the potion and yea he shouldnt have bought it in the first place but he was kid and he thought that was the only way he could get the truth and its unfair its fucking unfair and alistair god alistair he knows what he did in school was wrong but he saw it as the only way and now hes trying to make up for it and apologise and be a better fucking person and thomas sees that and thomas loves him for that and alistair wont let himself be loved and its not fair and anna oh anna talk about not letting yourself be loved she put on such a good front she did but she shouldnt have ariadne loves her and wants to be with her fully with her but anna has to understand the stigma of that and why ariadne cant come out yet hell thats still a problem today but we wont get into that because anna clearly loves ariadne but shes too afraid of getting hurt again and frankly she should just go for it i mean so what if you get hurt again at least youll finally feel something because i know she feels nothing for all those other girls i know theyre just replacements for ariadne and it isnt fair and speaking    of   replacements    fucking grace fuck grace but fucking grace just casually destroying james life listen i dont give a shit how she grew up i couldnt care less about how tatiana treated her and how scared she was of her because if shed just fucking helped then she wouldnt have to worry about a damn thing from tatiana i mean theres a number of things grace couldve done she couldve told the merry thieves everything and they couldve defeated belial like they are now and then no one would be around to help tatiana and grace couldve told anyone in the clave about all of tatianas shit and then they wouldnt have underestimated her and she wouldve been in a proper prison and thus unable to escape so damn easily and thus not fucking able to get to grace okay shes a fucking idiot and i hate her and i hate reading about her and im fucking disappointed in her for not taking the damn bracelet off okay i had very fucking low standards for her but i hoped she would take the bracelet off and at the very least i thought she could fucking not manipulate him further like god damn girl james is a much nicer and understanding person than i am and he would try to protect her from tatiana if he knew that grace was being threatened by her if grace took the bracelet off and told him the truth he would help her i fully believe that but since he had to find out on his own he was furious as he should be but i dont think he had to be nice to her when she showed up at the end there i mean i wouldve just yanked her in the house and started yelling at her right there fuck pretending his still under that enchantment fuck talking to her in private okay id chew her out in the entryway its not like cordelia doesnt need to know she fucking does and i think her finding out by overhearing james arguing with grace is actually a fantastic way to find out because she gets to hear everything all of what james feels and all of what grace did completely unfiltered not that james would try to hide it from her but hed definitely try to soften the blow and i just think she needs to hear the whole truth and AND i really fucking hate when characters overhear only part of something and assume the worst and run away its so common and i hate it so much and i hate how she ran to matthews because i knew it was going to happen and i knew matthew was in love with her and that it was already straining their bond because no one fucking realised that james was madly fucking in love with cordelia because of that fucking bracelet have i mentioned have i mentioned how much that bracelet pisses me off i dont think i have lets get into it so how james was unable to feel properly for three years and how his head was so foggy he was unable to think properly too and how because of that he missed matthew becoming a drunk and how the merry thieves look to james as their leader so if james isnt saying anything about it then there must not be anything to say and how james was already in love with cordelia before the bracelet and thats part of why grace couldnt control him and how he loved her for years how he was in love with her for years how no one knew this not even him because everyone thought he was in love with grace how cordelia was in love with him but thought he was in love with grace how cordelia got married to him knowing she was in love with him and thinking he was in love with someone else how she could tell he wanted her but thinking he just wanted her body and that he was still in love with grace how she’d rather have some of him than none of him at all how he picked out everything in their house with cordelia in mind how he remembered that she loves chess and she never thought he would how he learned a whole other language for her how he immediately checks on her after every battle how everyone, especially cordelia, just writes all this off as who knows what because he cant be in love with cordelia if hes in love with grace and hes obviously in love with grace how no one could ever notice there was something wrong because they were feeling the effects too how james was so in love with cordelia that that love unintentionally broke an enchantment made specifically for james by a Prince Of Hell one of the most powerful beings the entire species will ever meet and i think that covers the gracelet situation but i keep thinking of the scene where the bracelet cracks when grace first went to curzon street and kissed james and james’ mind literally thinking it was cordelia because who else would he be kissing and afterward grace saying ‘i dont know who you think you were kissing, james herondale, but it wasnt me’ and im like damn right bitch get fucked but back to cordelia running to matthews okay i know she didnt know matthew was in love with her so she wasnt doing anything wrong going to him but i kept thinking they were going to kiss or something because we all know matthews in love with her and there were a bunch of hints that cordelia might be attracted to matthew and she was upset about james and i just kept thinking something bad would happen and i was right but shit i didnt think id be like that i had no idea matthew was leaving for paris and even less of an idea that cordelia would join him and the thing is i cant even be mad i cant blame her i would probably do the same thing hell id probably ask to go with and im very proud of her for saying she’d go If matthew stops drinking i really appreicate that and i hope he gets better but the all those misses how james left the house only minutes after cordelia and arrived at matthews only minutes after they left and how he could see them at the train station could see them getting on the train and leaving and leaving him behind because his sister is missing and he shouldve ran and caught them and begged them to stay if not just to help find lucie because they both think of lucie as a sister and they absolutely wouldve stayed to help her and then there would be the chance for james to explain the gracelet situation and everything would be fine it would fine eventually and everything would be okay but NO and ive said a lot but i havent even mentioned cordelia being a paladin for fucking lilith yet where did that come from i was not expecting that ill tell ya see i thought it was odd that wayland the smith would still be alive and that it wasnt mentioned in any of the other books and i thought it was odd that some apparently god-like blacksmith would be wearing such an elegant jeweled necklace and i thought it was odd that magnus would be back from the spiral labyrinth for just a day and would be staying with hypatia instead of ya know his own place but shit id never have put it together as one person let alone lilith and i cant say it came out of nowhere because it said that edom used to be liliths so it would make sense that she would want belial gone so she could have it back but still that was unexpected but im not disappointed i mean im obviously upset that cordelia is now pledged to the mother of demons and feels like she cant even touch a weapon speaking of which what did she do with cortana where did she put it she said she dealt with it which makes me nervous but we know she couldnt have broken it or anything a) because i dont think she physically can and b) emma has cortana later but i think cordelia should keep cortana close since its the only thing that can mortally would belial and apparently he only needs one more before something happens im guessing before hes like gone gone so she definitely needs cortana and lilith wants her to kill belial so i think she should and if shes stuck as liliths paladin after that and never wants to touch a weapon again so be it but get rid of belial first ya know anyway i think there was something else i wanted to say but i cant remember so if you read all of this holy shit im sorry thats a lot i hope it was entertaining at least and i hope i didnt also get you pissed off

[theexecutionerssong]

I am soooo annoyed with this. An actual shit show. Maybe I’dbe like 10% less pissed off, had they at least given Dean a proper death not some amateur first day on the job bs. With that type of death might as well pull one of the endings from Mystery spot🙄😤 im pissed they killed him period. But I thought if they’d actually do that, they’d give him the hero type of death that he deserves. But nooo even that is too much to ask for. Im so mad so fuck all of them (especially ja*** because he liked this ending, im not saying im surprised he liked it bc ive been eh about him but I expected more from the cast side) i feel so bad for Jensen, he and Misha as well, deserved way better than this. And i know Jensen asked Kripke about the finale and he was like “yeah its good” so i wanna fight that dude as well. Because CMON. I wish that part in heaven where dean sits in baby and turns on the music and drives off (right after bobby scene) was the ending, except not in goddamn heaven. They shouldve just done the ending with him legit riding off into the sunset, happy that shit is over, and maybe Cas with him but thats also too much to ask so id settle for Dean talking to him on the phone and aaying hes on his way. I’m mad as all hell. (Also im mad that they did Misha THIS dirty, not even an appearance in the damn heaven, not even brought up properly..gross!) damn, im sorry. I just saw your posts and remembered how angry i was all over again😩 we deserved so much better Gaëlle!

I’m not even that pissed off about the way Dean died, it’s that he died period that’s disgusting. Who even reaped him? Who would reap Dean Winchester? Dean has said times and times again, as early as season 3, that he was tired. That he didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, that he was gonna die with a gun in his hand,and hadn’t he given enough? His entire life he lived for others, convinced he’d die bloody. And guess what? There’s nothing satisfying in hearing this for 15 years, and have it come true. It’s bullshit. It’s such terribly bad writing. It’s taking everything Jensen built and telling him it didn’t matter. I feel like complete shit for him, beyond the show ending and beyond how bad the finale was, it’s unfair to give Dean and Jensen this ending. Kripke just took Swan Song and rewrote it. And Swan Song would have been a correct ending for season 5, but not for season 15. Things changed between then and now. But it’s like it was all for nothing. 

And Misha, who carried that show, who saved that show, with Castiel, who was the embodiment of love and free will, to be treated that way? To be left as a sidenote on a wikipedia page as the angel who fell for love and in love but who died before the end, for nothing? He didn’t deserve that. Jensen and Dean didn’t deserve that, and neither did we. 

And you know the worst part? I love that show. I love it so much. It was with me through everything, high school and college and moving abroad and leaving my family, depression, coming out, losing friends to suicide and accidents, losing my grandmothers, losing my nieces, all this time it was right there to pick me up and it told me that family didn’t end with blood and that if you kept fighting, if you kept believing that it was worth it, then good would prevail. That good things do happen. And they took all that, all that hope, and ripped it to shreds and sent it back to me with a “fuck you” note. They literally told us with that ending that death was the only way for them to reach happiness. They did that. The cast has spent years talking about mental health and suicide prevention, and they did that. That was their last message. To say we deserved better doesn’t even begin to cover it.

[sortagaysortahigh]

Yall i need to rant somewhwre so im going to do so here. This is personal so yall can keep scrolling idc tbh.

I live in a very toxic household, like genuinely its sexist, mysoginistic, homophobic, ignorant and disrespectful as fuck. Mind you for a while I was used to said behaviors because Ive grown up in shitty ass places with shitty ass people and after a while you get numb to it. It becomes your normal.

My freshman year of college is when I finally realized that my normal wasn’t normal-like sure ive always known how fucked it all was but after a certain point it stopped bothering me. So i spent a year away at school and it was one of the best years of my life, then sophomore yesr came around and i was so excited to go back to school and fall semester was so much fun, i loved being back on campus in my apartment-sure i had beef w my dirty roommates but it was sm better than being home.

Then covid hit in the middle of my spring semester, we all got sent home and Ive been stuck in the environment that i was so thankful to leave. The people I call my family dont treat me like fucking family, they treat me like im nothing but a piece of shit snd they constsntly remind me of that. I am one of the conossouirs of daddy and mommy issues at this point because what the fuck. Ive been in this house with the same people who told me I was a mistske to my face-on multiple occasions-for months.

These are the same people who are impecabbly homiphobic and ignorant. I get into srguments with my “father” so often that I literally cannot bring myself to talk to him. This is the same man who doesnt believe in mental health and who thinks everything i fucking do is a cry for attention. Like my guy relax...you dont even know my birthday and we dont have a relationship because you left me for like 14 years...some store trip.

I have 4 brothers. 4. Two of which are barely starting elemtsry dchool and the other sre grown ass men who get fucking spoon fed. Ive always done more than them in the house snd outside of it, im not tooting my horn im being fucking realistic. I was raised under the ideology that “you cant find a husband if you dont know how to cook and clean” like bro relax im literally a lesbian. Ever since this stupid fucking quarantine started ive been doing everything-and when i refuse to do so its always the same “get a job and pay rent”-mind you i had a job, and now i have another job but im not paying these people shit. Not to mention whenever something goes wrong its either “its all your fucking fault” or “get the fuck out of my house”. And now that im carless i cant get kicked out bc where tf ima go. My parents wanna make me homeless so damn bad.

But the worst part of it all is itll go from i hate you, you were a mistske, i wish i never had you, why do you always fuck everything up, what the fuck is wrong with you to the ‘i love you, im sorry, you just make me so mad sometimes’. Like yall this is toxicity at its finest. Real clown shit. Im so used to it that at this point in my life my mental health is just at a steady decline but guesd what? Ima just get zooted and everythings gonna be fine for a few hours. But a few hours turns into a few days then a few weeks and now its been months. If you cant stay sober because of your family life, recognize that theres an issue there.

And to everyone whos read this, to everyone whos had to stay in their toxic ass households during the pandemic, and to those that are still minors just know that I feel for you, and I love all of you. If you ever need someone to talk to or to rant to Ill be here. That goes for literally abyone because i know hot alone it can feel-and how suffocating it gets.