#i literally just want them to schedule the surgery so i can go on stronger pain meds for a short amnt of time before the surgery

[keebwee]

life is so hard i just wanna bullshit write a fic to get out my sickness frustration but that same sickness is making me UNABLE TO !!!!!!!!

[radiorenjun]

twisted strings || lee donghyuck

➶ pairing: lee donghyuck x reader

➶ genre: angst. angst. JUST ANGST. twisted string soulmate!au, non-idol!au

➶ word count: 3.1k

➶ synopsis: you and donghyuck were one of the rare soulmate couples unlucky enough to be cursed by your own string

➶ warnings: y/n and donghyuck have somewhat of a toxic relationship, mentions of surgery, injuries, drinking, arguments, hyuck being selfish, character death!

➶ a/n: I am not romanticizing or support toxic relationships. This is purely fictional and if you do not like such topics, kindly move on. Have a good day. 

➶ based on the song 'Evelyn, Evelyn' by Evelyn Evelyn

“Y/N.” 

“Donghyuck.” 

God makes mistakes sometimes. One of the greatest mistakes was the soulmate system. It is often believed that if you meet your soulmate before the age of 14, you were set for a doomed relationship. Unfortunately for you and Lee Donghyuck, you found each other when you both were only 5 years old.  Upon meeting each other for the first time, the string tied to your pinkies had intertwined the both of your hands together, making it impossible for the two of you to physically separate.

The day you met Donghyuck was considerably one of the worst moments of your life. You were both trapped in each other's special bond. The string that was supposed to connect the two of you together became a cage, one that you could not get out of until death tears you apart. Soulmates were supposed to love each other but the twisted string binding the two of you together only made you desire for freedom even more.

“Why do we bother to stay?”

“Why are you running away?” 

You two were soulmates after all. The twisted string was a rare phenomenon that only happens to one in 50 million people around the world. You’ve been sticking to each other for so long, you can’t stand being with each other considering you couldn’t have your own privacy anymore. When your parents took you to the doctor back when you were younger, the doctor suggested surgery to remove the bond.

But the risk was too high. Removing your string could result in one of you dying, your parents didn’t want you to go through with it. But as you grow older into your teenage years, your relationship becomes even more unhealthy. Donghyuck was beginning to think the risk of getting the surgery was worth it. While you, on the other hand, all you wanted was to get along with Donghyuck. You didn’t want to run away from your relationship, you wanted to fix it. But unfortunately, Donghyuck didn’t have the same mindset.

“Don’t you feel like severing?”

“Everything’s just come together at last.” 

“We’re broken, why would you want to play?”

Donghyuck felt like this life was all just God’s game. An entertainment for him. He couldn’t bear the thought of living by your side at every second of the day, but yet again, you would always turn down his offer of getting the surgery. You were scared. He was too. You both wanted to be happy. Donghyuck felt like the time you spend alone with each other was a complete waste, he rather used his time to do other things like developing talents and doing things he used to enjoy like playing soccer or baking cookies with his mother.

You, however, felt like you should be more grateful for this opportunity. You’ve heard a countless amount of stories about those who lost their soulmates before they could meet them or those who never found their soulmate. You didn’t like the toxicity your relationship holds, but you couldn’t help but hope that maybe one day that things would change between the two of you.

After all, at some point in your lives. There was a time when the two of you actually fell in love with each other. 

At least, that’s what you want to believe. 

“We grew up closer than most”

“Closer than anything”

When you were younger, your foolish selves believed that the two of you would get through living a happy life living by each other’s sides for the rest of time. But of course, those are just nonsensical ramblings of young children. Nothing good lasts forever. You’d like to believe that Donghyuck loved you at some point in your lives, just like you loved him. Even if that love is no more, you couldn’t help but hope.

Life was playing an amusing game with the two of you. The longer you both spend time with each other, the more broken your relationship becomes. The more broken your relationship becomes, the stronger Donghyuck’s urge to cut you off from his life becomes. And as more time goes on, you start to think if things would be better if you get the surgery. If one of you dies, at least one of you will have a chance of living a happier life, right?

“Shared our beds”

“But wore different clothes”

Your parents didn’t know what to do when you first met. When you were younger they would arrange an organized schedule of who gets the two of you in their home for the week like a child with divorced parents. It wasn’t like your parents didn’t like you being together like this. Your parents treated Donghyuck as their own son and his parents treated you as if you were their own daughter. But you both knew that deep down, they’d like to have their own child back without their soulmates sticking to them like some kind of weird sloth.

“Talked about everything”

“Spoke about so many things”

You spent years of your life together talking about anything and everything in an attempt to heal your relationship despite the fact that you two knew that it was getting you nowhere. You often asked questions like “what shall we wear tonight?” or “what shall we do today?” 

“Can we go ice skating?”

“But we just did that yesterday”

You were both different people with different personalities and different interests. Unlike Donghyuck, you had thrown away your hopes of ever achieving those big dreams of yours a long long time ago, but always felt nice to dream of what you could be if you weren’t so hopeless. 

“Should we be firemen?”   

“Can we be astronauts?”

You were often looked down upon by your classmates when you were still in elementary school. The teachers would always scold them for constantly making fun of your intertwined hands being stuck together by the string. They would always tell your classmates to be nice and to invite the two of you to play with them.  But alas, children are children. They don’t understand what words and actions could do to someone else.

Often, the teachers would make you join in on their little game of tag or hide and seek. It was quite difficult for the both of you to participate, it wasn’t like the two of you were telepathic. You constantly spend the first few seconds arguing where to go or where to hide which ends the two of you being caught before you could even have a chance to actually have fun. And eventually, your classmates would ignore your presence if the two of you participated.

“What if they find us?” you asked one day while playing hide and seek with your peers, crouching down to ensure that your body is safely hidden. Donghyuck lets out a small scoff, outstretching his legs as he leaned his back against the wall with a heavy sigh before looking down at your intertwined bond. “They’re not looking anyway,” he shook his head. 

These days, your conversations were always the same. Dull and monotonous. Filled with hopelessness and despair. Eyes filled with exhaustion and distress. Faces void of emotion as you both stared at the dull grey ceiling. 

“Y/n.” 

 “Donghyuck.”

“Why do we bother to stay?”

“Why are you running away?”

“Don’t you feel like severing?”

“Everything’s just come together at last”

“We’re broken, why would you want to play?”

“Fill my glass,” Donghyuck ordered, making you reach your hand out to fill his glass with wine. At the age of nineteen, the love between the two of you was nonexistent. You both had to deal with the excruciating truth that you’re going to be stuck together forever. “Why are we weeping?” you muttered under your breath as you slumped against the sofa beside him. Donghyuck ignored you as he sipped his drink with an annoyed roll of his eyes.

“At your side”

“I feel like a ghost” 

You never knew about this. But Donghyuck was always the one to wake up first every morning. And every morning, he couldn’t help but turn over to stare at you as you sleep. Knowing how creepy it is, Donghyuck couldn’t help but admire your content expression. The way your eyelashes hovered over your skin, the way your lips part slightly. He would never tell this to your face. But he loved waking up to see the innocence glossing over your sleeping state.

Despite the many arguments you two get into with each other on a daily basis, it felt nice to lay down in silence with the comforting thought of the two of you having your own peaceful moments every morning. But of course, as soon as you wake up, Donghyuck is back to looking at you as if you were the bane of his existence. 

In retrospect, Donghyuck viewed you as someone who needs to get off of his back. Quite literally. He wanted you to let go of him, he wanted to live his own life where he doesn’t have to put up with you being constantly beside him. He knew you were his soulmate, but he didn’t know if he loved you or hated you. All he knows is that he just wants you to leave him be and have his privacy.

Everyday was just the same. There was nothing new to the two of you. Your days of living with each other always goes by the same questions over and over again.

“What shall we wear tonight?”

“What shall we eat today?”

“Do you think we’ll get married someday?” you asked him one day, looking at the loving couple across the street from you as you both stood in front of the bus stop side by side with equally emotionless expressions. Donghyuck took a small glance at you, unsurprisingly you were saying it with a hopeless expression. Why did you have to ask such a question when you know very well what the answer was going to be?

“We discussed this yesterday,” Donghyuck replied shortly, keeping his eyes on the empty road as people continued to walk past you. His eyes wandered to those who walked alone with hands in their pockets. Then his eyes wandered to those holding hands with their soulmates, gazing lovingly at them as if they were the brightest star in their eyes. Donghyuck then looked back at you, his half-lidded eyes scanning your broken figure that mirrored his own. Was he willing to marry someone as broken as he is?

“Should we be movie stars?” 

“Will we be millionaires?”

But can someone broken still talk about dreams as if they still have hope in their lives? Donghyuck never knew what’s the point in these wishful conversations. It was just hurting the both of you even more as time went by. You knew conversations about the things you know you’ll never be was just getting your hopes up. But life seemed too dim for the both of you, you couldn’t help but hold onto these late night conversations as if it was the only thing keeping you grounded.

“I want to be famous.”

“They’re watching us anyway.”

Donghyuck had always wanted to be a singer since he was a child. He loved to sing and dance before he met you. His parents were ready to support him in his dreams, his future was bright as heaven’s gate when he realised he had actual potential of being a star. But that can’t happen. Not with you by his side.

A part of you thought that the reason Donghyuck had always hated you was because you ripped him away from his dreams and his own privacy. You couldn’t blame him for being angry at you. But you knew that deep down, he was also at fault, too. If the two of you hadn’t met all those years ago, you’d probably be in a much healthier and happier place by now. 

You both would probably be in a better place by now if fate hadn’t decided to let you meet that day.

“We grew up so very close.”

“A parasite needs a host,” Donghyuck spat at you, venom and malice lacing his tone as he pushed away his plate of food aggressively across the table. It was another one of those arguments. You two were getting sick of each other. You were at a breaking point. Donghyuck was discussing about getting the surgery again and as usual, he snaps at you harshly whenever you decline the offer. But you couldn’t help but retort back at his snarl.

“I’m only trying to do what is best for us!”

“Well I never wanted this. I never asked for this. All that I want is some time to myself!”  

“Donghyuck…”

“Just get away from me! Please just stop touching me! You’re always trying to be somebody else!”

Donghyuck believed that deep down you were just putting up a fake act. He believed that all this talk about you not getting the surgery for the sake of the both of your safety was all just buffoonery. He thought that you just want to see him live a miserable life along your side for the rest of your lives. He views you as some kind of parasite sticking onto his body. 

He was too blinded by selfishness to see the good side in this situation you were both stuck in.

“I just realise I’m not alone.”

You were afraid. If you took the surgery, you were afraid that Donghyuck was going to die instead of you. He may not like you, but you didn’t want to live with the overwhelming burden that you killed your own soulmate, even if it wasn’t your idea to do the surgery. You didn’t want to live without Donghyuck either. You wanted someone to love. Unfortunately for you, Donghyuck didn’t want the same thing.

“Well you’re only scared of me.”

“But you never cared for me!”

“Why don’t you let me free?”

“Cause you never dared to be!”

 Spewing insults and cries back and forth was all the only thing you’ve been doing the past couple of years. You were both tired. Tired of living like this. Living in misery and despair. You knew you weren’t going to be happy in this life, but you also knew you didn’t want to sacrifice Donghyuck just because he wanted it. In Donghyuck’s mind, all there is to think about was how life would be so easier if you cut the damn string off of your body. How everyone would be much happier if you just agreed to the surgery.

“Cause you never listen, you’re always insisting!”

“Just stop reminiscing!” ¦¦ “I’m just reminiscing!”

“I feel something missing.”

“I just want you here with me.” ¦¦ “I just want my privacy.”

“God, can’t we just get along!?” ¦¦ “God, won’t you leave me alone?!”

That was it. That was your breaking point. 

You finally agreed to the surgery without hesitation, your eyes no longer held a single ounce of light and hope in them as you signed the papers willingly. Donghyuck couldn’t say anything else to you either. He finally got you to sign the papers and do the surgery but why didn’t he feel as ecstatic as he should be? Why was his heart still so empty? Why couldn’t he find the enthusiasm in him as you both got into your robes, preparing for the surgery.

You haven’t spared the slightest glance at him since the argument you two had the other night. But then again, why would you? You finally agreed to signing either yours or Donghyuck’s life to death, there was no need for you to feel anything about it. You prayed to God that Donghyuck would be the one to survive, no matter how bad he has treated you in almost the past two decades, you still prayed for his survival.

“Y/n.”

“Donghyuck.”

The doctors placed masks over your mouths, informing you that they were going to start the anesthesia with a concentrated expression on their face. Donghyuck looks over to you to give you one last look, his eyes becoming half-lidded when he sees your content face resting right beside him. The way your eyes slowly shut when the gas kicked in, he practically saw your hopeless pupils shining before his own eyes started to get droopy. For once in years, he squeezed your hand encouragingly in his, feeling the string tighten around your body as he does. 

“Y/n.” 

“Donghyuck.”

He felt your hand squeeze back softly, making his heart flutter for the first time in ages before he finally succumbs into a deep sleep. 

“Y/n.”

“Donghyuck.”

As Donghyuck opens his eyes, he finds himself in a hospital room, A heart monitor placed right beside him, beeping loudly to signal the calming beating of his heart. He sat up slightly, his body feeling weak and sore. He examined his body, stitches and gauze were everywhere and all around his arms. The strings that he had gotten used to seeing wrapped around his body were nowhere in sight. 

It worked. The surgery worked. 

“Y/n.”

He was no longer stuck to your body anymore. He was finally able to live his life as freely as he wanted. He could hardly believe his own eyes as he pressed both of his palms against his face, pinching himself to see if this was just some kind of weird dream. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. God, when was the last time he smiled like this.

He couldn’t wait to do the things he’s always wanted to do. He couldn’t wait to go home to his parents and see the baffled looks on their faces once they see him as a whole happy person again. He couldn’t wait to tell all his friends that he could finally drink with them without you getting on his back for drinking too much- 

Wait. You. Where were you? 

“Y/n.”

His head shot up, looking around to see if you were in the same room as he was. His heart raced when he saw the empty bed next to his. Have you gone home without him? Or did you wake up way earlier than he did? Why didn’t you wait for him to wake up? Where have you gone? Why weren’t you right next to him? He was supposed to be the first one to wake up to see the peaceful expression on your sleeping face. He was supposed to be the first one to tell you that this surgery would be the best decision you two have ever made.

The clipboard filled with data the doctor left on the table beside him had all the answers to his question. Donghyuck used a weak hand to grab the papers and set them on his lap, carefully picking each and every one of them up, his eyes quickly scanning the letters printed onto it. From what he can conclude, your soulmate string was cut off and donated to science. The surgery took about 4-5 hours and he had been resting for about two days.

He also concluded that you had died in the middle of surgery. 

“Y/n.”

“Y/n.”

“...”

“Why didn’t we try to stay?”

“You wanted to keep running away.”

“Why did we agree to severing?”

“Everything’s over at last.”

“I’m broken. Let’s play this game again.”

if you haven’t noticed. Hyuck is in bold. Y/n is in italic. Both is both. 

This was a new writing style I wanted to try out and it’s not my best work but I think it’s pretty good enough to post.

[chokemeanakin]

Give Me Love

Chapter Two

Wc: 1.5k

MASTERLIST

Since then, you had made a considerably stronger effort to get over your intimidation of Anakin. It was hard to accept that the man could turn you into such a sensitive little girl so easily. Your childhood shyness came back full-force around him. You could flirt and tease and play with any guy, but the minute he so much as looked in your direction, you froze. Clammed up. Lost all thoughts that might have been formed in your head, and stood there like a cadaver. Brain dead.

You hated the reasoning for it even more. You were demoted to a shell of a human being around him because he was pretty? How pathetic of you.

That wasn’t the only reason. Yes, you had always thought he was beautiful in ways you’d never seen before and know you will never see in anyone else. But that first night walking home with him cemented your feelings even more-- he was charming, and funny, and sweet, and ambitious-- and so so intelligent.

He had walked with his hands clasped behind his back like a prince, gloved arm in his flesh hand, guiding you leisurely through the streets as he waited for your shorter legs to keep up. He had smiled at your attempts at conversation, and inquired about your training as a field nurse at the Temple medbay. As if he really cared. He even pretended not to notice the goo-goo eyes you had shot him for a fleeting second, when you finally mustered the courage to look him in the face as you bid goodnight.

He was so handsome. Such a gentleman. So sweet and caring and brave. And strong and determined and on and on and on. He was everything. And that’s why your existence crumbled around him, because you felt like anything you did might annoy him, gross him out, make him detest you. Your self-esteem was never perfect, but around him it tanked. The thought of him dreading your presence scared you into motion, fleeing before he could realize how ugly, or annoying, or terrible you might be.

You knew it confused Ahsoka. She’d seen you play guys until their jaws were on the floor, whining and drooling after you like dogs. But as soon as her Master’s voice came over her com? You were a shaking, whimpering mess.

Her little plan had worked though. Soon, you were risking a quiet, “Hello, General Skywalker,” as she urged you to greet him over the com. You had twisted your hands together so hard the joints in your fingers popped, forehead breaking out with a slight sweat. But you had addressed him directly, even if it was over com. Baby steps, Ahsoka commended you.

And then, you had agreed to walk her to the starfighter hangars one afternoon-- a place he was notorious for hanging out, and one you had adamantly refused even stepping in the direction of. When you got there, he was, of course, under his yellow Eta-2 Actis-class interceptor, tweaking something with a wrench in one hand and a blowtorch in the other.

“Say hello,” Ahsoka had grit through her teeth, jabbing you in the ribs with her elbow. You winced and rubbed the spot, freezing in place as Anakin rolled out from under the starfighter and lifted his goggles onto his forehead. It pushed his bangs up, the curls sticking up cutely, making your heart skip a beat.

“Thanks for walking me, Y/n,” the Togruta padawan stressed your name pointedly.

“Uh… you’re welcome, Ahsoka.” You flinched as she raised her eyebrows, shifting your gaze to the man beside her. “Hi, Anakin.”

“Hey, Y/n,” his answering smile was blinding. Your veins filled with lava. Hearing your name formed from his sultry voice, dripping off his lips like honey, dancing across the room and tickling your ears with butterfly wings… it felt more like a blessing than a greeting.

It got easier with time. Baby steps was right. Soon, you weren’t turning on your heel as soon as you saw him walking down the same hallway, instead passing him quickly and returning his casual head-nod. If he caught sight of you in the mess hall, he’d wave and offer a small smile, a gesture which you returned. You had even managed to get that awful stutter under control, able to form words around him like you weren’t a newborn baby.

Ahsoka was proud.

And then. And then. And then.

He had snuck up behind you one day as you were cleaning up your station in the medbay. You had been switching gauze pads, removing stitches, and setting bones from clones and Jedi all day until the last patient came in, a clone bleeding from a slashed artery in his thigh where a bounty hunter had stuck him with a knife. He was lucky he got to you in time, or he surely would have bled to death. You managed to staunch the spurting flow of blood enough for him to be prepped and brought in for surgery, and then your shift was over. You were scrubbing the tiles clean of the results, scrubs absolutely drenched in blood, when Anakin knocked on the doorframe.

“Hard day?” he’d asked, eyes sweeping over the gory mess of the usually stark-white room.

“Quite typical, actually,” you grimaced, mind still reeling from the adrenaline. You guessed that’s why you had the confidence to actually speak to Anakin right now, as well as look at him without falling to your knees. Well-- you were already on your knees, so all you had to battle with was the flurry of butterfly wings in the pit of your stomach.

“Did he live?” Anakin walked a couple steps into the room, arms crossed, avoiding patches of dried blood on the tile.

“He’s in surgery, but he’ll pull through. Amazing, considering how much blood he lost.”

“I can see.”

You scrubbed away at the tile for a moment, strangely unbothered that he was seeing you covered in bodily fluids. You were most comfortable when you were in your element, and well, here you were-- quite literally in your element.

“Can… I help you with anything?” your heart lurched as you questioned him for the first time. Demanded his attention for the first time. Braced yourself for those heavy eyes to land on you and squeeze the breath from your lungs.

But if he was hurt… well… it was your job to fix it. Stupidly-strong crush or not.

“You can, actually.” He stood over you, looking down with a small tilt to the corner of his mouth. A flush rose to your cheeks as your eyes sifted over his body, looking for any wounds that might be visible.

“Nothing like that,” he shook his head, and then knelt beside you as he realized you weren’t going to stand. He reached into the soapy bucket beside you and grabbed a sponge, helping you scrub the floor clean of blood. “I was wondering… Obi-Wan and a few others from the Council have tickets to go to the Opera tomorrow eveing. They want me to go with them, but…”

You chanced a look at him, and he was wincing. “Well, let’s just say the Opera’s not a very entertaining place to be on a Friday night.”

You laughed lightly, nodding in agreement. The Opera was such a prized part of being on Coruscant, where all the wealthy and important people go to watch a swirling ball of light for hours. You never understood the novelty of it, but you found that everyone was afraid to call it out on its blatant dryness.

“So…?” you mused, dipping your sponge back in the bucket to get more water.

“So, I was thinking you could put me in for a checkup at that time just so that I’d have an excuse to bail.”

“You want me to give you a checkup?”

“Not actually,” he squeezed pink, soapy water into the bucket. “Just schedule one, so I can take the card and show it to them and then not have to go to the Opera. And to pay you back, I’ll take you to Dex’s for that breakfast-dinner you, Sabè, and Ahsoka do every week. Since you’ll be missing it to help me, and all.”

Your head rushed with blood, swimming as you took in his words. He wanted to take you to dinner?

No, he wanted you to help him. But… he didn’t have to pay you back. He wanted to do that. He was also waiting for your answer, so you got your wits together and accepted, eyes locked onto your scrubbing sponge as you replied,

“I think I can do that. As long as you show up here at exactly 8pm, cause that’s when my shift ends and there’s a 5 minute break as night shift takes over. I’ll let you in, and then we can sneak out the back.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Anakin flashed a dazzling smile at you, and for the first time, you were able to meet his shining eyes straight on and smile back.

Taglist:

@a-sterism @artiza-n @monamourani @anakinlove @haydens-moles @anakinswhore @ani-skyvvalker @sarahb1024 @anakinsbestgirl (why don’t they tag 😔)

Join the taglist!

[dakotacrisis]

Cherry Blossoms (3)

Kagami straight up having a not good time

Read on AO3

---

“Kagami,” her mother called through her door, “Are you awake? You haven’t heard a peep out of you all morning?”

“I’m awake,” Kagami answered in a shaky voice. In truth she had not fallen asleep at all last night. Not after those three flower petals popped out of her mouth. She had spent almost a full minute just staring at them, willing them to disappear. But they did not move, the tickle in her throat did not cease, it was all still very real.

Kagami had heard of Hanahaki disease. A strange phenomenon where people coughed up flower petals but she had never imagined it could happen to her. She had spent the rest of the night researching at her computer while also trying to convince herself that she really hadn’t contracted the disease. It couldn’t be. It simply couldn’t be happening.

No one knows why Hanahaki disease happens. It seemed to be such a magical and bizarre affliction that it couldn’t be real. There was no scientific backing to it. Really, why would someone’s body start growing flowers just because they were experiencing an unrequited love? It was absurd and altogether frightening. But as the years since its emergence it had become common knowledge.

Thankfully they had discovered a way to remove the flowers so they couldn’t hurt anyone anymore but even that came at a price. You could have the flowers removed with a simple surgery but when the flowers were removed the romantic feelings that the patient had for their unrequited love disappeared as well. For some it was a mercy but for others they saw it as a twisted and sick fate.

Many of the articles Kagami read on the subject ranged from WebMD’s symptoms and treatment options to articles about how to get your unrequited love to love you back, and forums for others that had contracted Hanahaki. She had scoured them all hoping one of them would tell her that she was wrong. But the signs were all there. The deep dive she went into when she accepted she must have contracted Hanahaki disease had only made her fear worse.

Detailed accounts of how the surgery to remove the flowers and the aftereffects of such a procedure. People talking about how in love with the person that held their affections was and the day after about how all those feelings didn’t exist anymore. Statistics of people who had died suffocating on flowers instead of getting the surgery that could have saved their lives. They would live but at the risk of losing the feelings for someone they held dear to their hearts.

To cheer herself up from all the gloom and death and bloody pictures of flowers removed from people’s lungs she read success stories. Couples who had fallen in love and how the flowers disappeared. It made her feel a bit better seeing that not everyone was subject to surgery or possible death on account of their feelings.

The tickle came back in her throat when she thought about being one of those lucky pairs that got the love they craved. This was all Kagami’s fault. She just had to fall in love with Marinette. She should have been stronger than that. She barely knew this girl and yet she felt it deep inside that her heart was irrevocably hers. A girl who smelled like sweet vanilla and whose soft blue eyes anyone would be lucky to drown in. A girl who made Kagami feel warm and fluttery and turned her whole world bubbly and pink.

Kagami sighed and held up the small jar she had dropped the flower petals into. She knew she would probably be better off just throwing them away but for some reason it didn’t seem right.

At least she was lucky enough to have cherry blossoms. They were fairly small. She felt bad for people who coughed up things like lilies and sunflowers. They were decidedly more painful and harder to get out of one’s throat due to how big they could get. The thought alone made Kagami shudder.

Her phone went off with a reminder that she needed to get going to school. How was she supposed to attend school now knowing that she had flowers growing in her lungs? No. It’s fine. She’s a brave and resilient girl. She’ll be fine. Besides, it was only three little flower petals. It just started so she was nowhere near the stage where she would start coughing up whole flowers or be able to see and feel the stems and roots growing up her esophagus.

She covered her mouth, certain that if she thought on it anymore she would puke. Worse comes to worse she can just schedule a surgery and have it over with. Everything will be fine.

While content in her ability to not die from the flowers growing in her lungs Kagami found herself preoccupied with the fact that she now had to face her feelings. She hadn’t even admitted to herself that she was in love with Marinette until those flower petals came out of her. Now it was all she could think about. How long had this been building? When did her feelings for Marinette go from a simple little crush to full blown love? Was it at the pool? Was it before that? Had she just been falling deeper and deeper in love with Marinette since the moment she met her?

How pathetic was this? She fell in love with Marinette within only a short time of knowing her but Marinette probably only thought of her as a good friend. Oh screw it, that’s all Marinette saw her as. The proof was literally rooted inside her. If Marinette loved her back as she wanted her to none of this would be happening.

School was arduous and long. The tickle in her throat returned every time she thought of Marinette. She didn’t cough up any more petals but that stupid tickle wouldn’t let her have a moment of peace. By the end of the day she was ready to go home and wallow in her misery. That was until she got another reminder that she had fencing practice with Adrien after school. She could have screamed.

“Hey Kagami,” Adrien waved her over when she got to their lesson, “How was your day?”

“Fine,” she nodded, “Feeling a little under the weather but that won’t stop me from beating you into the dirt.”

“Allergies still bothering you?” he asked, “We don’t have to practice outside if that makes it worse. We can head inside if that’ll help.”

“No,” Kagami cleared her throat, “I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure,” they took their positions and began practice. All was going well and for a few brief minutes Kagami was able to forget about everything as she laid waste to Adrien.

She had just claimed victory again when she heard a familiar voice ring out through the courtyard. “Wow, and here I thought Adrien was the best fencer I knew but Kagami is kicking your butt.”

Oh goodness why? Why was Marinette here? She was dressed in warm yellows and soft whites, a single hair clip with a daisy on it holding her bangs away from her face. “Hey Marinette,” Adrien stood up, pushing his mask up to greet her, “What brings you to practice today?”

“I finished copying the notes you lent me.” she handed him a notebook, “I also wanted to see how you faired against Kagami since I haven’t had the chance to watch her fence yet. Does she always beat you so easily?”

“Pretty much,” Adrien sighed with a good natured smile, “But I still think I give her a run for her money. Right Kagami?”

Kagami was frozen. She hadn’t prepared herself to see Marinette yet. The tickle in her throat became more insistent. Why did seeing her have to be such a wonderful and horrible thing at the same time?

“Yeah,” she managed to say in between tiny coughs, “Nice to see you again.”

“Oh, poor Kagami, allergies still bugging you?” Marinette looked at her with pity, “I think I have some allergy meds in my bag. I bought a bottle just in case of emergencies like this.”

“Oh no,” Kagami coughed harder, “That’s fine. I already took some. I’m just waiting for it to kick in.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Marinette beamed. “Would you guys mind it I watch you duel for a bit?”

“Sure,” Adrien shrugged, “Maybe an audience is just the kind of encouragement I need to finally win one of these matches.”

Marinette took a seat nearby to watch. They began the duel but Kagami couldn’t focus on fencing with Marinette watching her so intently. She pressed her lips tightly together to muffle the cough that tried to escape. Her eyes watered and there was a tight pain in her chest the longer she tried to keep from coughing. Not now! Please not now!

Finally she couldn’t take it anymore, the need to breathe and clear her lungs to great. She coughed into her mask. She felt the tickle of wet petals slide past her lips and tongue and settle at the bottom of her mask near her chin. Adrien took the moment she was disoriented and knocked her back onto her butt. At least it was over and she was breathing a bit easier.

“I win! Woo!” Adrien cheered, “Doesn’t feel as good since you had a coughing fit in the middle of it but I will still take the win.”

“Yep, great, congratulations,” Kagami stood up, “Don’t apologize for taking advantage of your opponent’s weakness. Every great fighter does it.”

“That was a great fight,” Marinette said, “Kagami, do you need some water? You sounded pretty bad at the end there. I have a water bottle.”

Goodness this girl came prepared for anything.

“No. I’m fine,” she assured her. She desperately wanted something to drink but she couldn’t risk taking her mask off since it was the only thing keeping the flower petals from falling out. “I think I’m going to cut practice short today though. Go home and get some rest.”

“Yeah, I should probably be heading back too.” Adrien agreed.

“Alrighty then, I’ll talk to you guys later.” Marinette waved before heading off again.

Kagami immediately ran to the locker room and tore the mask off her head. Three more pink petals fell from her mask and settled on the ground. She scooped them up and sighed. Why was this happening? Why couldn’t she just have her crush in peace?

“Kagami, are you alright? You ran in here so fast I thought--” Adrien stopped when he saw her and the petals in her hand.

Crap.

Her mind scrambled for an explanation. Adrien’s expression shifted from concern to shock then a deep sadness. He sat down next to Kagami and silently held out his hand. With a sigh she dropped the petals into palm.

“How long?” Adrien asked, studying the petals with delicate interest.

“Last night, was able to choke it back all day but the second she showed up here I couldn’t hold them in anymore.” Kagami dropped her head into her hands.

“I’m sorry,” Adrien wrapped his free arm around her, “I’d be more surprised if you had been able to resist her.”

He closed his hands around the petals. “Do yourself a favor and schedule yourself for a surgery now. Don’t drag it out. It’ll only hurt more.”

Kagami looked up at him bewildered and almost offended, “What?”

“You think you’re the first person that has fallen victim to the entity of warmth and kindness that is Marinette Dupain-Cheng? There’s been a whole slew of people that have contracted Hanahaki disease because of her.” Adrien shook his head with a small scoff, “Nino, Nathaneal, Alya, Luka...me…”

“All of you?” She couldn’t believe this. They were all such good friends though. All of them had fallen in love with Marinette and contracted Hanahaki disease? How was that even possible? Besides, most of them were already in happy loving relationships when Kagami met them.

“Is that really so shocking?” Adrien asked, there was something wistful in his gaze, “She makes it so easy to fall for her. When you’re around her you don’t perceive anything else. It’s just her and everything around you is gone. You’re in a void of sweet sugar candy. You look at her and everything turns…”

“Everything goes pink.” Kagami finished. “So you fell in love with her?”

“Yep. I was latest before you. I was coughing up red rose petals for months and months. I tried everything in my power to get her to return my feelings. I straight up confessed to her that I was in love with her and wanted to know if she could love me back. When she told me she didn’t I...it kind of broke me. It hurt so much but I didn’t want to let go of the feeling of loving her. In the end she had to beg me to go and get the surgery to save my life.”

She would have never guessed that Adrien and so many of her other friends had also fallen for Marinette. Then again, if they all got the surgery and had their feelings removed then she wouldn’t have been able to tell.

“You wanna know something all those articles online don’t tell you?” Adrien said, “Once the surgery is over and the flowers and the feelings are gone you feel hollow. Not for a long time but at least the first week you can just feel that hole where your love was. It’s not even like you lost any attraction you just lose everything for a bit.”

“And you think that speech is going to convince me to want to get the surgery? It sounds pretty bad.”

“For the first week, after that everything eases. You can’t love her romantically anymore so you love her the only other way you can. That’s why we’re all such good friends. We love her as much as we can platonically. It fills that hole and while the world may no longer be pink when you look at her, it is still the happiest place you know.”

Kagami sniffed. It sounded nice. To love someone so much in a way that assured you wouldn’t lose them. She could still be happy. She could still be in Marinette’s life. She could still have happy days full of that warmth and sweetness that radiated off of her. But at the cost of losing something that felt even better.

“All my life I’ve waited to meet someone that makes me feel the way I do when I’m around Marinette. I started to think that it would never happen. Then she showed up.” she reached into her bag and took out the butterfly barrette that Marinette gave her. “I know that I am probably causing myself more pain but I don’t want to give this up so easily. I can’t give her up without a fight, Adrien. You of all people understand that, don’t you?”

Adrien sighed and dropped the petals back into her hand. He reached into his own bag and withdrew a paper bookmark. A pressed red rose petal laminated to the paper. He smiled, “Maybe you’ll be the lucky one that wins her heart this time.”

She hugged him tight. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“You have to promise me though,” Adrien pulled back, “You have to promise that if this goes on too long and your disease gets really bad that you will schedule a surgery. I know that you are not going to want to but I will not see your stubbornness kill you, Kagami. You will have to yield if it goes on for too long, do you understand?”

“I do. I promise.” Kagami hated the idea but it could always be worse.

“Good.” Adrien stood up, “Get dressed and go home to get some rest. Tomorrow we start operation...what kind of petals are you coughing up again?”

“Cherry blossoms.”

“Tomorrow we begin Operation Cherry Blossoms!”

---

(First) (Previous) (Next)

[kandaxxx]

I’m a raging sack of shit, but I accidentally deleted a request. I’m really lucky that I still have it copied in Word. The request was the following:

Heyyy, how are you, you wonderful human being? I found this blog this morning and I'm in love with your writings 💘 Can I maybe make a request? A scenario where Kanda's so went on a mission and went missing. Like a huge battle took place, everything was destroyed, so was thought to be dead for a couple months. But suddenly shescomes back to the Orden all covered in bandages with a scar on her face, still limping, turns out she was seriously wounded and was in a coma like state all this time

Hi ok so like, I am so sorry that this took me months to get around to. If you follow me, you’ve probably seen my posts whining about my depression, my work schedule, and my surgeries and such. But I still feel like a literal piece of human garbage that I couldn’t spare an hour or so to do this. I am hoping that it’s good enough that it’s worth that wait??

Ok so like it’s garbage but my brain won’t do more than this so....my bad dawg.

Were days always this long? It seemed as though each day was longer than the last.

Yu Kanda spent every second that he was awake—which was most of them, as sleep seemed to enjoy eluding him—doing something to keep himself occupied. If he didn’t, he’d suddenly remember the way your hair smelled when your head was tucked against his chest, arms warm as they wrapped around him in the comfort of one of their beds. He’d remember the way you’d grin as you moved, lightning fast, to snag some tempura from his tray at mealtimes. He'd remember the way that when he sulked walking through the rain on a mission, you'd laugh and dance in it, oblivious to the water soaking your clothing.

He’d remember the way that he couldn’t save you.

Kanda had yelled your name when the blast went off as he charged towards you.

But he hadn’t been fast enough. He hadn't been fucking fast enough.

The blast went off and threw his body back, in the opposite direction of where you stood.

When it was over, he had dragged his bloody and broken body through the wreckage shouting your name as his ears rang. He had thrashed in the grasp of the Finders who picked him up. He had screamed at them to let go, that he needed to find you.

Before he could argue further, darkness had taken him and kept him from searching you out.

He had woken up in a medical cot, immediately rasping out your name.

And his eyes had gone wide in disbelief when the Finders told him that your body had never been recovered.

It had been about four months since that day.

It had been four months of darkness for him.

He hadn’t spoken to anybody if he didn’t have to. He performed his missions dutifully and well. But he spoke to nobody.

And after a few weeks, everybody had given up. Lavi didn’t tease him. Allen didn’t pick fights. Even Lenalee and Marie kept their distance.

It was the empty look in his eyes that kept them away. No one could bear to see him this way.

And he was glad for that. He couldn’t find the energy to socialize. He had never liked socializing, but he felt so empty that the thought of even trying to talk to anybody about anything left him exhausted.

He couldn’t even drag himself to the cafeteria to eat. He had originally thought that maybe he’d waste away. And that would be welcome; if he wasted away to nothingness, would he be free of this pain?

Someone had left trays of soba noodles in front of his door every day. He wasn't sure who it was, though he suspected it to have been Lenalee. But he didn't care either. After a few days, he had given in to eating a few scant bites of what his favorite meal had once been. His body’s will to live appeared to be stronger than his mind’s, unfortunately for him.

Today he stood before Komui’s desk giving his report. He had just returned from a mission in India that had gone smoothly, save for the flashbacks of you fighting along his side. He hated how used to those he was getting; at first, they had nearly left him paralyzed. But now he was so numb to his own pain that the flashbacks were hardly more than a nuisance that he just had to work around.

Komui smiled as he nodded, though it didn’t reach his eyes. He had tried, at first, to rouse Kanda. He would enter Kanda’s room each morning, with a mug of white tea in hand, only to find that the one that he had left on Kanda’s nightstand the morning before sat there, full. But like everybody else, he had given up after some time.

He heard the door to the room open behind him. But Kanda continued to talk, as he had no intentions of being interrupted. The faster he finished his report, the faster he could return to the solace of his cold, desolate room.

But he saw the way Komui’s eyes went wide. He watched curiously as Komui dropped the pen that he had been tapping against his lip. The sound of it clacking onto his desk was suddenly deafening.

He turned slowly and when he saw you standing there, he blinked. Was he hallucinating? He often pictured lotus flowers everywhere. And that woman. And Alma.

There was a visage of you standing in the doorway, your hands folded down in front of yourself. You wore street clothes. Your expression was a blend of astonishment and affection.

But the room seemed to light up around your frame. Colors were brighter, more vibrant. The room felt warmer—not hot, just comfortably warm. The kind of warmth you got on a winter’s day when you curled up in front of a fire.

You were real.

“Kanda.” You gasped out, tears forming in your eyes at the sight of him.

Time seemed to stand still, as cliché was it was, as he stared at you. His eyes were wide, his brows a little furrowed. His lips were parted as a silent gasp escaped them.

Why were you standing here? Where had you been? You were alive?

Kanda’s body moved faster than his brain could think. He took long, quick strides across the room towards you.

You began to smile at him. In your time away, you had missed a lot of things.

But you had missed Kanda the most. There was no competition.

You yelped when his hand wrapped harshly around your upper arm and continued to storm, spinning you around and then dragging you with him as he left the room.

You ground your feet into the ground, slapped at his arm, and yanked your arm as hard as you could to try and free yourself. “Kanda!” You barked out.

He whipped around then, the movement so quick his ponytail flew behind him like a whip and you fell back against the wall. You stared up at him with large, wet eyes.

“You’re alive?” He breathed the words out, and his eyes widened as he said them, as though he were shocked by them.

You weren’t given a chance to answer before his hands were cupping your face. His thumbs grazed slowly over your face, as if he were trying to make sure you were real, that you really were there. He had to feel you, he had to make sure. He doubted his heart could take it if this was just an illusion.

You gave a wet laugh as you leaned your head into one of his hands and smiled. “I’m here, Kanda.”

His thumb grazed over the pink scar that marred your face. His brows furrowed, and you realized it was with hurt. He had been protective of you since you guys realized that you were more than just allies. His eyes flickered down, and he realized that your body was covered in all sorts of healed injuries. All sorts of scars. You watched the way that his lips twisted into a snarl. You knew him well enough to know that he was thinking violent thoughts about those who had blemished your body so.

It was your turn to celebrate your return. You had zero intentions of letting your injuries stop you from your reunion. Before he could comment on the wounds, you cupped his face in your own hands as you leaned onto your toes. You pressed your lips to his softly, smiling and humming to yourself. It was familiar, as though it hadn’t been months since you had done it.

He returned the kiss feverishly, as though he were afraid that he’d never get to do it again. But he drew himself back after only a few moments, resting his forehead against yours.

“Yeah, you’re here.” He smiled. You felt tears roll down your face in response to it. Even you had never been graced with the presence of his smile very often. But here it was.

You moved your hands to cup over his. “Let’s go back to your room. I want to catch up. In more ways than one.” You smiled deviously and Kanda laughed. He laughed. It was more of a bark mixed with a wheeze, as though it had been so long since he had laughed that his throat had forgotten how to do it. But you could see through his smile and the way his eyes were lit up what it was.

Your home was the Order.

His was home in your company, in your warmth.

Now he was home.

He didn’t think he’d ever be home again.

And he’d make sure that he never lost his home again. He swore it to himself.

[geekkatsblog]

Grey’s Anatomy season 16x18 review (I am so confused.)

This episode was resting in the middle of boring but with some huge plot twists involved.

Let’s start with the most confusing/biggest plot twist of the episode.

________________________________________________________________

Deluca

Finally had his break down, or did he? On one hand I did think that the girl was extremely nervous and looked at her aunt for every answer. I found that odd but as a person with anxiety I can understand having someone do it for you. But when he started talking about the trafficking thing I was shook, but then he started pushing his theory on everyone and re arranging a very lovely schedule to follow his theory of the girl being in a sex trafficking ring, and I was like Deluca has gone off, the moment with them circling him to detain him was so heartbreaking the look of confusion on his face and him begging them to believe him, and his sister Carina crying for him to calm down you could visibly see the concern and pain on her face and then Deluca finally went with the guards and quit his job only for Meredith to talk him out of it by promising to call the authorities to check out the case. (The ending though left me confused not only because they just let him walk out of the hospital after having a ‘mental breakdown’ but his theory was RIGHT??? now I really hope not because that would cause drama because not only would the hospital be in trouble for letting them leave but Deluca would thing that he’s fine and carry on the way he is. He may have been right but he is definitely having issues other wise. I really hop that some one helps him soon or we’re going to have a Deluca accident on our hands. (It has been a while since one of the more important characters has had an accident.

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Teddy/Owen/Koracick  (Thank God for small mercies that Amelia and Link were able to step out of that mess.)

First thing first, I’m so proud of Tom for turning Teddy down and telling her to go back to Owen he crushed me at the point when he said he’d be fine because it means he’ll be fine alone like he always is.(When are they going to let him into their club.) It’s for the best and my boy Tom though, so can move on to better things, there’s more fish in the sea honey. provided that he isn’t arrested for fraud. He told Teddy to go home to her fiance and kids and plan her wedding, You go Tom.

I do not know what is going on with Teddy, she really is shocking me, her anger with Amelia is unfounded in my opinion, It would have been different if she was single, but she was dating Link and in the end the person she was in the relationship should know first, and she was trying to get the situation under ,control and her knowing about Amelia’s paternity issue is not at fault for her cheating. The idea had to be in her head for a while and she just too the first excuse and ran with it.

 Tom did her a favor telling her go to Owen. She has been in love with him and fought for him since the beginning, now that she has him she’s ruining it. But however this has to be the most serious and relatable love triangle we’ve seen on Grey’s, usually they’re flirty, sexual and immature but in this one you can see how torn Teddy is, she’s in love with Tom and how good he makes her feel but is in love, is engaged and has two kids with Owen, (who is actually being a pretty good partner for once in a relationship.) For the first time since the Derek/ Finn/ Meredith love triangle I’m interested in seeing what happens. In the end when she wanted to tell him the truth I actually felt sorry you could see the guilt and confliction on her face. She really in love with both men.

________________________________________________________________

Levi/ Nico 

I think out of all of the things of Grey’s this one upset me the most. I don’t understand what happened. How did Nico do a whole 180 turn in like half a season. I loved their relationship. One of the only ones who had fun conversations instead of just arguing and sex, but now Nico has decided he wants that for them and not even the arguing just the sex. I would have never guessed he would have gotten like this he was so sweet. But nope he literally broke up with Levi because Levi wanted to be able to share his opinion in a relationship which is definitely an important part of any relationship. Then he applied for a job that he’s going to be away for at least 6 months a year and didn’t even think to discuss it with Levi. That’s crap a decision like that would affect the person you’re in a relationship with and you should at least discuss it with them even if you do still take the job. (I remember in season 8 Ben and Bailey had a similar problem when he applied to be a surgical intern an didn’t tell her and they had a conversation just like the one Levi and Nico needs to have.) Quite honestly right now their relationship is looking quite one sided an Helm was right. Levi deserves better. They basically broke up in this episode and I’m sad because I really was pulling for them. 

Levi’s living arrangements were unexpected but I’m glad he’s leaving his mom’s basement and Nico’s apartment. It’s time for him to be more on his own, he needs to be able to stand up for himself instead of being the cute puppy who gets kicked around.

________________________________________________________________

Jo

My poor baby, she seems so confused and hurt right now. She sleeps on her couch instead of the bed and is just flat out depressed I feel so sorry for her and now that Link’s a dad and won’t be around as much as used to be and Deluca is out for sure right now so I guess her and Levi are going to be friends right now and I hope they are only going to be friends because they’re relationship was toxic from the beginning she used him and then treated him like crap (Still does from time to time.) Friends sure, because it really does look like he needs someone and right now so does she but nothing else. The scared me with Jackson asking her out to the game for a moment I thought they were going to be a thing but we dodged that bullet I guess. I hope she can find a last name as well because it hurt to see her trying to define herself. Looking forward to seeing what name she’s going to choose .

________________________________________________________________

Link/Amelia

Finally able to return to baby bliss. They are so adorable, and they better be end game. Amelia has had enough relationship problems. It’s time for her to get a break from the drama and have some peace. I’m just so happy she and Link are back together. He gave up his dream job for her and his baby and she was willing to make it work so he could pursue it. with some better communication I think they can be Grey’s second power couple (Fingers and toes crossed.)

________________________________________________________________

Jackson 

Just broke up with Vic and so he has an extra ticket for a basket ball game, was blown off by Ben as well and offered it to almost everyone he saw but Koracick. I wanted him to end up having to ask him maybe he would notice that Tom isn’t actually a douche and Tom could actually have a friend (who is going to hurt him by having an affair with him and may go back to her fiance and kids) but as usual in order to paint him out as the worst person ever Jackson refused to ask him which leaves room for my wish that Bailey would be his person. Then he asked Dr Haynes, I wished that he had gone with him because he’s yet another doctor who’s outside the club and that would have been the perfect time to gain the acceptance. Him asking Richard thought was perfect, he needs some one right now and he was kind of like a father to Jackson so it’s good to see that they can still spend time together without Catherine. 

Right now Jackson is just living his life carrying on the teachings of Mark Sloan. 

(Where’s Harriet though? We haven’t seen her in 2 years, I know she’s with April But She doesn’t visit either)

_______________________________________________________________

Richard

Is on his way to sell his path’s pen seeing that he can’t do surgery anymore. I hope he gets through, at this point I feel like the chances of him getting back with Catherine is very slim, I’m glad to see that him and Maggie’s relationship is stronger than ever and Jackson took him out for the night and Bailey and Meredith will always be there for him So I hope that he knows that he has support and people who love him.

_______________________________________________________________

Meredith

Didn’t actually have much plot besides planning the event and then solving it. Her helping Deluca was good. I don’t think her getting back into something with him would be a good thing. I’ve been wondering if his illness was even what caused him to push into a relationship with her. 

Either way she planned the surgeries, then had to save the surgeries by accepting Koracicks fraud money. (She wouldn’t be Meredith Grey if she didn’t tbh, anytime there’s a storm coming Meredith Grey is going to be in it.) Delt with some disgruntled patients, Spoke to Dr Haynes and saved some lies.

_______________________________________________________________

Bailey

Winning the Grey’s relationship game as usual, had to pull Deluca from attacking a patient and allowed him to leave alone after the meltdown and saved lives.

________________________________________________________________

Maggie

Spoke to Richard and that was about it, but her time is coming next week, based on the promo. (You get it hun.)

________________________________________________________________

Notes/ Questions

Was that girl really in a trafficking ring?????? (She had the hair like the woman, but that’s easy to fake but she also had a good cover story, and the girl ran to her when Deluca was having his melt down but the way that woman pulled her away at the end Idk. hope it isn’t bring confusion to Grey Sloan.

Is Deluca going to get the help he needs before he gets hurt or ends up in more problems?

Is Richard going to be ok? or is he going to have a relapse? Will he and Catherine get back together?

What’s going to happen to my baby Jo? And what will she call herself now?

Is Tom going to be in trouble? what he did was illegal even if for a good cause. And is Meredith going to be involved if he should go down? She did accept the money

Are Levi and Nico officially over? Will Nico take the job or choose Levi? 

And last but not least What the hell is going to Happen to the Teddy/ Owen / Koracick triangle. Will she finally confess?

[ecto-american]

I think Ember’s entire self would have fit really well as being a deceased Kpop idol. Not just in terms of who she is as a character and it giving her more depth and personality that already matches her canon, but also give great social commentary on how toxic the music industry, especially Korea's, can be.

More detail explaining this under the cut.

Firstly a disclaimer: I was an absolute Kpop weeb in my high school years. I knew all the bands and dances and stuff, and thus I was somewhat exposed to the culture of Kpop. Since then, I kind of have gone back and done some researched and watched documentaries and the like (because I am a big sociology nerd), but I'm not that deeply invested in Kpop anymore. But this is a thought I've had for a long time, ever since I first began to hear some of the problems surrounding Kpop idols and such.

I also want to point out that I am not saying that Ember within canon is a deceased Kpop star. She clearly isn't, and I'm not trying to make a case as to why she is given canon evidence. I'm writing this because I really like this interpretation a lot better than what canon gave us. In my own personal headcanons and worldbuilding and rewrite fanfiction, Ember is a deceased Kpop star.

We got that squared away? Coolio. Let's start.

Now that “preface” or whatever is out of the way, I really want to begin this by giving some background on Korean pop, specifically the industry and the culture surrounding it, for those who don't know. This is going to give some much needed and important context behind what I'm about to say about Ember. I will also be providing as many sources as I can to this section, but a lot of this is really easy to find on google as well.

In Korea, to be a pop star: you basically have to be perfect. In your dance, music, appearance, your entire image is now basically the property of your manager. Plastic surgery is a massive deal in South Korea, and it's partly due to this.

When you get your contact, you basically have to go through a bootcamp, which involves: Limited contact with family and friends, dropping any romantic relationships or behaviors that would be deemed unwholesome (many companies even go as far as forbidding relationships so that fans can better “see” themselves as being with the idol, which increases sales), brutal training schedules and everything you do is so heavily monitored by your bosses. This has lead to many Kpop idols (especially women) to be dangerously underweight or to have eating disorders, 15 hour training days day after day, being fired for being in a relationship outside of their company's approval/against contract. It's caused literal deaths and mental breakdowns.

Of course, America has the eating disorder problem too, and long work days. But please take in mind: management in Korea actively pushes for these eating disorders and are almost applauded publicly for keeping their stars thin, while in America, it becomes an absolute scandal. And yes, America has long work days too, but in comparison to Korea, American musicians basically only release a single or two in a year, and an album about every three years or so. On average. Kpop groups are pressured to release one or two albums every year on top of regular singles. If you youtube Korean pop shows, there's so many examples of stars collapsing on stage due to exhaustion and hunger. And most of the time, they're forced to get back up and continue, compared to America where they're normally “hey show over”. There are some Americans who will go through with it, but it's normally stars who are determined to finish in spite. It's not a push by your boss to finish or be fired and blacklisted from the industry.

Kpop idols are often broke as fuck, so there’s not even that as compensations. Many literally don't get most of the proceeds from their music. Their contracts are often compared to being slave contracts by stars. One Kpop star even said that she and her group had to split one meal whenever they were on tour because they were in such poverty. Oh, a rising group, right? NO. It was one of the biggest fucking Kpop girl groups of the time, Stellar! But even if they were a brand spanking new group, what the fuck.

And why don't they leave? Because they wanna be famous and make music. It’s just that unfortunately, it’s a very saturated industry because the agencies literally just crank out so many idol groups every single year, thus leading to absolutely brutal competition. People are regularly rotated out and replaced within groups. Idol groups are regularly formed or disbanded There's lots of weekly programs and music competitions to see who's the best of the best. You're constantly ranked. You're constantly fighting for the top spot. Lots of Kpop idols have to really fight to get their name remembered or known. The best of the best get reknown internationally.

Okay I'm done with the background now, lol. But you get the jist! The Kpop industry is fucking brutal and needs a good social change. Though now that I've laid out a lot of this, you can kind of get the sense as to where I'm going with this.

Based on every appearance Ember has in the show, we can deduce two things: She hates adults and wants to be remembered.

What are two major problems within Kpop industries? Adults controlling these really young adults (normally freshly 18) trying to break into the industry that's hard to make a truly lasting impression on, that's trying to be remembered.

Ember, if we take her canonical song and the background information provided by interviews, is meant to have died in a fire after being stood up. But I think that she would much better fit as a character who died from the intense social, physical and mental pressures of being a Kpop star. Perhaps a Kpop star that was left forgotten in the crowd of idols, whether it's dying in an accident or suicide.

It’s just me, but I really personally don’t like the canon that she died in a fire because of a boy. It’s just really weak imo, and idk. I don’t like backstories based around a romantic interest like that, especially when it’s so bland. Ember is a fucking dead musician and rock star within canon, and that’s the best you can come up with? She died in a damn fire after a boy stood her up? No mentions that she was into music or something?

Of course, she likely wasn’t famous she died. She likely rose to fame post her death, but that’s still just really? Kind of a headscratcher in a sense? Ember deserves more. The given backstory of her death is literally so? Random imo? Given who she is in death? Unless her entire thing is about how she changed so much in death for a guy, which is kinda Hmm for me. But that’s most of canon lmao.

I feel like this Kpop idol angle would have been a much stronger backstory potential for her. It could paint her as this really hardworking idol, this incredibly talented musician and vocalist who just couldn't make the cut. Maybe she got fired for loving another idol. Perhaps she just wasn't up to the brutal industry standards of being a Kpop idol. It’s a backstory that clearly incorporates her musical talents within her life, and kind of gives her death more of an impact, that gives her more character depth. Whether she’s a perfectionist because of this or has such strong self esteem issues due to the pressures she experienced in life. All of this motivating her to work solely towards her goal, or making her realize that she just really wants to have a more relaxed life and do things like date freely and enjoy the peace and privacy she now likely can have.

Ember's powers would fit really well with this Kpop backstory too She can hypnotize people. Besides Kpop kind of literally hypnotizing a lot of people, it could be shown as a legitimate skill of hers, or something she gained in death as she hoped that she could truly charm an audience into remembering her. She wants to be remembered within canon. No matter the cost or sacrifice. The same kind of sacrifice and price many Kpop idols are forced to make and pay.

It gives her stronger motivations other than just being famous for the sake of being famous or to possibly get that one boy’s attention (? It really depends on your personal take). She wants to be famous to prove herself to a company that worked her to literal death or that basically rejected her, or as a personal dream finally achieved. She now has the power to destroy the adults that likely exploited her as slave labor that maybe made her die in poverty or after being another abuse victim.

To me, it’d help pack a better emotional punch and reasoning as to why she does what she does. Fame has much more meaning to her, it’s personal, losing it again would devastate her. At the end of Fanning the Flames, can you imagine how hysterical she might be if the entire sequence was an unintentional repeat of the events that lead her to her death? Why she’s so specifically disgruntled against adults other than the typical “teenage rebellion” to the point of turning them into slaves in Pirate Radio (which is? fucking wack considering how much better it’d be to use something else). Turning them into slaves just like they would have done to her for years, especially since it’s on exercise equipment. It’d bring personal satisfaction to possibly watch them run or bike or work out until they literally collapse like she might have done before. Then forced back on and continue. Hell, you can even explain as to why she kept her relationship with Skulker an apparent secret: she’s used to have to hiding a boyfriend or risk losing everything.

I would have loved to see her being used as a good social commentary on that industry specifically, but also as a hot take for the abuse that just happens in general too much within the music (and many other fame based industries).

If we're going by canon show airing date, Ember would have popped up right around the time Kpop was really making it's mark on American culture. America got really into Kpop in the mid-2000s and, as you can tell by BTS's popularity, is still going really strong. There's even an entire Wikipedia page about it, the Korean Wave. Whether you want to “modernize” DP or keep it in it's canon air date roots, this would still be a relevant possibility no matter where you personally like DP to fall on the IRL timeline.

While many Kpop stars are in groups, given her possible circumstances, she likely broke off to be a solo artist. If you've ever seen Kpop idol fashion, they're also very colorful! Very fashionable and interesting, and it'd be really cool to see more of that kind of fashion for her. The dances are very good too, well choreographed, and it'd just lead to really interesting possibilities as to how she looks and behaves on her stage.

I dunno man, I just feel like this is a really cool take. My personal take tbh, and I just think more people should think about deceased Kpop idol Ember.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Taking flight on a magic carpet

Once in a while, you need a change in perspective. As someone who tends to look too closely and fixate on minor things, it’s easy to miss the big picture.

In other words, sometimes you need to hop on a magic carpet, fly up high in the air, and lose yourself to the vast blue skies.

When least expected, paths cross in ways you’d never imagine. I’ve had surprise visits from two old friends. First was Nathan, who wasn’t completely a surprise as we were making plans when we reunited at Astra. I basically told him to drop by anytime whenever he feels like it so that’s what he did.

With a busy semester finally behind him, Nathan figured that it’s about time he come and check out the camp. We’ve been making more of an effort to keep in touch often after realizing how much we missed each other’s company. How did we let the years slip on by?

The second visitor is someone who I occasionally see on my travels, usually with her companion/mentor/dad figure. It’s been a couple years since we last spoke and a lot has changed. For starters, she’s not with her partner - he doesn’t know she’s here - and second, her visit was completely unexpected. In fact, I don’t know how she found me - not that I’m complaining, I just didn’t think she’d reach out to me.

Peony is the kind of person who’s like an iceberg. There’s more to her than meets the eye, to put it simply. Appearance wise she looks like a kid (though now she looks more like a teen so that solves the question of whether or not she can physically age) but she’s actually in her early twenties. Her personality can flip flop between a hyper child, a defiant adolescent, and a jaded adult.

At times Peony seems like a different person. She’s still sassy and quick to anger, but also restless yet self assured. When she declared that she has grown up, I can see she’s being serious. Obviously she still has a lot to learn but Peony has a point when she says that she deserves to be taken seriously. 

Over the years Peony and Tomomi’s relationship has been on shaky ground. Tomomi, or Doc as Peony calls him, is like a vigilante medic who specializes in surgery. He’s basically a mad genius who breaks all the rules, making him a polarizing figure to many. Peony was sort of an accidental creation and since no one wanted her, Tomomi took her in. Peony went from idolizing him to becoming disillusioned and now she’s struggling to find an in-between.

Tomomi won’t admit it but it’s obvious he cares about Peony a lot. He claims to be the type not to make attachments, yet he does have a heart, which is why he does what he does. Not everyone agrees with his methods but you have to admit that he keeps his word. He’s also the kind of person who cuts and runs as soon as his work’s done so it’s a big deal if he sticks around. Jamie crosses paths with him occasionally so that’s how I got to know him.

So Peony’s kinda like a daughter to Tomomi, though as she’s gotten older she’s become more like a younger sister. Clearly their dynamic has changed a lot since I last saw them. It’s still a bit strange hearing Peony talk about Tomomi like he's a nagging older sibling instead of this super cool mad surgeon who could do no wrong.

Basically Peony and Tomomi have been at each other’s throats for a while. Peony went from being his assistant to his apprentice, leading to high tensions between them. Peony’s at that stage where her mentor is becoming more of a hinderance than a helper. Not only she’s becoming equal to him in terms of skills, she’s even surpassed him in some areas - particularly in making medicinal elixirs, something she was always good at. It also doesn’t help that Tomomi still treats her like a little kid, often disregarding her opinions whenever she thinks outside the box. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s jealousy and resentment on his end with Peony becoming more independent. Not that Tomomi’s controlling of her but with Peony taking on more responsibility I can see how he might feel threatened by that. Peony doesn’t want to be him or his rival, she just wants to forge her own way by being a medicine master, as she puts it. Given that she’s pushing into territory that’s beyond Tomomi’s scope of practice, that marks off another reason why he’s holding her back.

Then last week everything went to hell when Peony defied Tomomi by giving a patient a dangerous cocktail of drugs that was certain to kill them. Tomomi thought treatment was futile as the patient was too far gone, Peony wanted to take a leap of faith. It was a risky moved that paid off in the end but Peony’s victory was short lived when Tomomi blew up at her. Then that escalated into a big argument, ending with Peony giving her mentor a black eye. After that uncharacteristic display of anger, Peony thought it was best to leave so they both can cool off.

She admits to being a bit too stubborn and bull headed, which is something I didn’t see coming. Sure she wants to be respected and treated like an adult but at the same time she still needs guidance. It’s tough being in that position flip flopping between needing someone dependable and not wanting to rely on them as a crutch. She doesn’t want to go back to the clinic until she figures out a way to work things out with Tomomi that doesn’t involve another bodily injury.

It’s strange seeing Peony so rational and trying to be the bigger person. The old Peony would’ve probably thrown a fit and begged for forgiveness. She really has grown up.

Nathan can see where Peony’s coming regarding becoming at odds with someone you once looked up to. It’s one of those situations where both sides aren’t exactly in the right or wrong. His experience is less extreme and stormy thankfully but he can understand what’s going on. In his case it’s Sophia, who he still struggles to see as a parental figure rather than an older sibling because of their upbringing and age difference. Both were raised by Sophia’s mom until she died and Sophia was forced into the role of being the parent, which she clearly wasn’t ready (or fit) for.

While Nathan and Sophia get along well, there is some sort of disconnect between them, especially as Nathan got older. Sophia tries her best and means well, but it’s hard to draw a line when there was never a distinction between being a parent and being a friend. Much like other well meaning parental figures, they don’t always know what’s best despite their good intentions. 

It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s important to accept that the people you look up to (and probably idolize) are just as flawed and messed up like everyone else. Sometimes you have to push them away in order to allow yourself to grow. If you have a good relationship, then you’ll come out of this stronger.

With Peony going through a rough patch and Nathan in need of a well deserved break from his studies, I figured that it was a good time to do something fun that wasn’t a campsite event. There’s nothing scheduled this week so it works out perfectly - to be honest, we wouldn’t be up for something big anyway. 

Today was pretty much a chill day, much like the other two. Then came Julia, Leo, and a magic carpet! Julia always wanted to create a flying carpet so with Leo’s help, they were able to put something together. They’ve been doing test flights last week so everything would be perfect for the big reveal, which was this morning. Almost everyone in the camp has flown around on the magic carpet, declaring it an unforgettable experience.

When it was time for me, Nathan, and Peony to take flight, we opted to take the scenic route.  There’s something so exhilarating about being so high in the sky where everything looks and feels so small, yet so vast and full at the same time. We’re literally sitting on top of the world!

A magic carpet ride won’t fix your problems or make life less stressful, but it can provide a good escape as well as a lovely view from above.

[robustcornhusk]

i have things to do today, all of which i’m putting off for some reason

group A: i need to message my doctor and ask them to get... an order sent in for me to get re-vaccinated, because apparently MMR didn’t work on me very well the first two times. need to message my therapist and tell them i’m a dumb fuck and i have to be on a ferry when i would usually have my appointment.

group B: i need to clean out the fridge; i need to do the meal planning.

group C:i need to shave.

group D: i need to pick up cat food. i need to pick up the farm box. i need to pick up anything else we want at the farmer’s market.

group E: i need to put the bike mount on the phone and the phone mount on the bike.

group F: I need to go on a bike ride with some friends.

group G:  i need to get ready for a camping trip this weekend. 

group A: It would have been better (convenient, responsible) to have done these two weeks ago. i have to ask someone to do a thing for me. i had to reschedule an appointment three weeks ago with my therapist on similar near-notice and i feel bad about it, because i know that therapy is incredibly low-margin for how much of an unpleasant thing it is. i need to do it, because either (i don’t do it, i just don’t show up, they ??? at me for it being my second absence ever) or (i do it, they reschedule me, i maybe have to pay because i didn’t give much notice) or (i do it, they reschedule me, it’s all fine). i feel like an ass being apparently not-immune to mumps and rubella, and apparently the way i want to deal with it is not write a one-sentence email and then walk my ass three blocks to the doctor’s office but instead ignore it. 

group c: i get super bored shaving, and i irritate my face if i do it too often, and also i fucking hate facial hair. testosterone is overall great, but the hair is garbage. i am strongly considering getting the hair zapped, but i’m held back by: what if it doesn’t work? i don’t hear about testosterone-powered humans doing this frequently; what if the people doing it think i’m weird for wanting it/oh god i have to deal with a human for this; it’s probably sorta expensive and i feel bad wanting to spend money on a ... literally superficial thing. but also it’s scratchy and pokey and it *hurts* to be anything other than clean-shaven and i can’t sleep without wearing a scarf unless i’ve shaved within a few hours of going to bed, and i can’t eat certain foods, and i can’t sweat, ... and this is ridiculous. and it takes 15 minutes and i spill water everywhere and generally make a mess. and i need to not put off everything else to do research on this because now is not the time.

group D: these are all located on the same quarter-block, but each is sufficiently heavy that i need to make at least three trips for it. 

group B & D: we get a box of produce every week from a farm; i like it because it’s comparatively very cheap, and it’s all really nice (not buggy, not muddy, lots of weird vegetables that i enjoy and know how to cook but wouldn’t think to get on my own or isn’t even available at the nearest groceries). but the quantities are kinda weird; we get more of one thing than i could possibly use in a week (or even two), or just enough of something to serve one person as a side dish, and i have to get extra; and in either case the fridge gets nearly completely full on wednesday afternoon, to the minor dismay of my housemates. (and the damn fridge is slowly filling up anyway, because we panic and turn all the leftovers at the end of a cycle into syrups and shrubs and pickles and stuff.) so i have to plan out the week ahead of time, to be sure we’ll use it all up. and some weeks i can cook every night for 7 days, and lunch on the weekends, and some weeks i can’t, either due to scheduling constraints, being sick, stuff coming up. so i’m loathe to look at this last week’s failure (i’ve been sick since saturday night), and i’m not excited about trying to plan this next week (because i’m going to be gone friday night and assuredly tired on saturday). 

group E:  if i fuck it up i have wasted 30 dollars on a phone case and the nice mount that everyone likes. i can’t be sure i haven’t fucked it up until after i’ve done it, because there’s not a good way to test the placement. oh, i might be able to hold it on with like shitty double sided tape or something. but also i have to be in the garage to do this.

group F: we were planning to go on sunday, but i was sick; last night, but i was still sick and cohuman had an appointment. so today, but i need to do the phone mount and i feel weird about wearing normal clothes to bike in (too hot!) and weird about cyclist clothes (i’m too slow! they’ll be too cold at the coast! i can’t carry a jacket on this bike!). i’m going to be slower than usual because i’m still a little sick, or i’ll push myself and be wrecked at the end. but also i know i like this route and i like biking, and i’ll get stronger if i go, so i want to...

group G: today’s the last chance to be sure i have all the gear (and to replace it if i don’t). i need to get stove fuel & figure out food that tastes good with minor prep that doesn’t need refrigeration and that can be carried by bike for 20 miles. i need to be sure everything fits in my interim panniers, and how we’re packing it to make it not a disaster every time i need to get something. i need to be sure it’s light enough that it doesn’t make my decidedly-non-touring bike handle weird. i need to make sure of the route. i need to be sure that the bike site will allow us even if it’s full.

okay; a lot of these are part “unreasonable anxiety” and part “justified anxiety, because i know it takes just one oversight to fuck it up”(1).

the second i can fix with more adhd meds, though i don’t think that much i’m planning to do today particularly has that failure mode. for the first, i need to make sure to use non-stimulant med; i also have the intervention of getting High Enough That I Can’t Think Very Far Ahead, if it turns out i need to.

(1) one small bad decision can be an expensive/unfixable mistake: cohuman’s bike probably would’ve been fine if i hadn’t suggested taking the seatpost out to stick it in the car. i broke a book a few weeks ago when it slipped out of my hand and hit a hard object on the spine. i shifted wrong on my actual touring bike once and twisted the chain 90 degrees(2). i ran the blender with the lid off the other day and sprayed cashews all over the kitchen. mad with power, we bought couches that were too big, and the living room has been cramped this whole time. i bought a graphics card that didn’t play nice with linux, and for three months my machine crashed on average every other day (it seems an update fixed it? i’m not actually sure.) one time i didn’t pay attention and ran a shot glass through the garbage disposal. one time i fucked up and put drano in a clogged dishwasher; this makes soap. i dented a doorframe by putting a too-large over-the-door rack and shims on the wrong side. i broke a paper towel holder by grabbing it too fast when i knocked over a cup when i was on the phone, and also nearly fucked up scheduling surgery because of it. i cut the door on the litter box too low and pico constantly flings cat litter out. we tried to make rice in the rice cooker and forgot the water.

(2) very fortunately, despite it being on a road some distance out from the nearest town of barely 7k, and having not seen a single person for half an hour, barely a minute after i’d pulled off to the side, a guy in a pickup passed me, turned around, and offered me a ride back to town. 

i feel like i don’t have enough time to do all this, but i’m pretty sure i do. messages will take < 20 minutes, shaving < 20 minutes, meal planning and fridge 90ish minutes, phone mount < 30 minutes; so i could be done with all that by 2:30, or at worst 3. cat food and human food will take 90 minutes or so, and part of that can’t happen til at least 4pm. bike ride will probably happen at 6; we’ll be home by 8:30. packing list can occur after that. 

so despite spending 30 minutes writing this out, it’s probably fine, and i probably want to get started nowish.

i guess “dinner” isn’t really anywhere in there. i think i can find a < 20 minute prep one for to happen after biking.

[behindheremeraldeyes]

Title: Whatever Happened to Christmas . Summary: It’s been some long, and exhausting months for Sakura, and Christmas didn’t seem to be helping her in any way. Her friends are worried about her, but she wouldn’t let them help her. Therefore, there was only one person who could, truly, help her. . A/N: It’s finally here, everyone!! God, I can’t tell you how excited I am for this! I’ve finally had time to let it all out in a SS fanfic, and you guys really can’t imagine how relieved I felt after this fic! This one, particularly, has become quite special for me, especially after everything that happened last year. It became my escape fic, and god, there’s so many personal things in this fic that I kinda feel exposed XD Still, I owed you that much after all your patience with me. This is my come back fic, and it’s christmas themed! I hope you guys enjoy it, and please, tell me your opinion! It’s really important! . . . The clock was almost hitting 11:50pm when she finally realized it was time to head home. She had already changed into her winter clothes, her lab coat already left in her office and her heels already clicking their way towards the exit of the hospital. Her chakra reservations were quite low after a 36 hours shift, and yet, there was a sad scowl plastered on her lips at the idea of leaving so soon. Exhaustion creeped under her skin, for sure, but nothing a cup of coffee and some minutes with her eyes closed wouldn’t fix.

Sakura didn’t want to leave, for sure. She didn’t want to leave the safety of her work place, to an empty house where she would have to worry about dinner for one, and do nothing productive for the rest of the evening. The pinkette wanted to stay and help her colleagues during one of the busiest nights of the year, and more than anything, she wanted to help people go home safely to their families.

She’s a doctor, and that’s her job. That was what she was trained to do.

But ironically, the same woman who trained her was the one sending her home that night. And all because, apparently, she was too young to be spending yet another holiday inside that hospital.

A sigh escaped her lips as she tried her best to think back to all the previous holidays, as if to mentally try to prove her master wrong. Sakura knew she had been spending a little longer at the hospital than most of her colleagues, but it was not like she considered it to be harming in any way. She’s a medic, after all. She’s used to the sleepless nights and the canceled plans, and more than anyone, the Godaime should understand those circumstances.

Through the years, Sakura has come to understand that there is no such thing as peaceful times in the hospital. Even if the war was just a ghost from the past now, and even if the Shinobi Alliance had, indeed, lowered the mortality numbers, they still lived under the ninja system, where battles happened constantly and wounds could be as fatal as ever if not treated quickly.

They were still humans, by the end of the day. They could still bleed to death because of a kunai wound, and they could still die because of stupid things such as getting wasted during the holidays.

War or no war, medic ninjas were needed around the village. However, according to her master, medical ninjas also needed a break during some time of the year to celebrate life and eat a bunch of junk food to fill their energy tanks. And if she was not going to realize that by herself, then Tsunade would use all her power and her loud threats to make sure her dear pupil would spend Christmas away from those white, sterilized hallways.

And so, after weeks of direct confrontations around the hallways and weeks of constant changes on the names of the doctors that would be spending Christmas on duty, the Godaime ended up using her last resort on her wisest student. By orders from the head medic in Konoha’s hospital, Haruno Sakura was forbidden to be anywhere near that building during December 25th, unless she was actually dying and in need of medical help. Her schedules were erased, other medics had promptly taken over her work, and even Shizune would be there to help cover for all the pinkette’s surgeries.

Spending such busy day without her around would be hard, but that was how things were going to be. Sakura was going to enjoy a holiday break, even if they had to force her to do so.

She was not going to waste another chance of celebrating her youth because of her workaholic tendencies.

Or at least that was what Tsunade thought before her tricky apprentice found a way to twist her master’s words.

Sakura was not, indeed, spending the 25th at the hospital, no. Tsunade had been clear about that, and she was not going to disrespect the Godaime’s orders in front of everyone else. She would be spending Christmas home, just like her master told her to.

But she didn't say anything about Christmas eve.

And even if it wasn’t what she wanted, leaving a bit before midnight would have to be enough for that year.

When she finally arrived at the hospital’s lobby, her eyes didn’t miss all the elegant clothes people were wearing while waiting for whoever was in need of medical help. All the decorations also helped create the whole christmasy atmosphere around the hospital, and if Sakura were to be honest, those lights and stars would be the closest thing of a place to celebrate she would get that night. No matter how many times her best friend had invited her over, the pinkette just didn’t feel like listening to Ino rambling about how she was missing the chances of hooking up with a hot guy during the holidays.

Honestly, Sakura was just tired of people telling her how to live her life. Of course, she was going to obey Tsunade because she is her boss, but that didn’t mean she would be going out to party and do stuff such as going out to bars or having fancy, family dinners. Her master had the power to end her working schedule, but she certainly couldn’t force her to behave like a normal person.

And that was going to have to be her win for the night.

Another defeated sight escaped her lips, as she ran her fingers through her pink locks. It was probably time for her to go home, she knew, but leaving was a lot harder than she had expected. She turned her emeralds around for one, final look and was surprised by the sight of the one who was probably designated to take care of her patients for the night.

Apparently, she was the only apprentice who had been forced to leave.

“ Shouldn’t you be out by now?” Shizune said, stopping in front of her with a pile of papers in hands. “ If she finds you here, well… I bet you know what will happen, Sakura.”

“ Yeah, yeah… I know.” She smiled, her eyes curiously trying to read whatever was written on those papers. “ She wasn’t happy when she saw my name on today’s shifts, so I probably shouldn’t be giving her more reasons to actually fire me.”

“ Oh, she wouldn’t do that… But I can assure you that it would be quite painful.” Both of the girls chuckled, even if they were really aware of what their master was capable of. “ Still, don’t be too hard on her. She just wants you to have fun.”

“ Well, I certainly will.” Sakura started, taking a look at the clock hanging near the reception’s desk. It was certainly time for her to leave, and Shizune had no time to waste that night. “ There are tons of medical articles waiting for me at home. It’s going to be insane.”

“ I bet it will. Have a good night, Sakura.”

“ You too, Shizune-senpai. And Merry Christmas.”

And with a small, kind nod, the two medics parted ways. While she was heading towards the monotony of her home, Shizune was about to spend her holidays tending the wounded and discussing cases with their master during the coffee break.

Life certainly wasn’t fair.

The winter breeze welcomed her small form as soon as she exited the building. Instinctively, the Haruno girl brought her coat closer in order to shield herself from the cold, and as she made her way towards her apartment, it was impossible not to allow her mind to drift back in time, to a past when everything was simpler and she would still have that same, bubbly energy to celebrate christmas with the people she loves.

So much has changed, she thought.

Back then, she would spend the night with her parents and early in the morning, after opening her presents, Sakura would rush through the streets of Konoha so she could meet her boys and wish them a merry christmas. They would all exchange presents while drinking a hot chocolate, and they would end up spending the entire day together, enjoying the free time offered to the genin teams during the holidays.

Those were good times, for sure. Those were happy times, when the future still promised better days for the four of them.

A future that promised to keep them all together.

Oh, what a delightful future that was. None of them could’ve ever predicted how different things would be in less than 10 years.

In less than 10 years, the members of the team 7 literally went to war and back. Hearts were broken, bonds damaged, and even if, eventually, they found their happy ending, some things just couldn’t be fixed anymore. The boys weren’t just boys anymore, and she certainly wasn’t a little girl anymore. They were all forced to grow up faster than normal people should, and even if Naruto was able to hold onto his dream, Sakura couldn’t say she had the same luck. Deep inside, perhaps, there was still something left from her younger version, but most of it— most of her was already long gone.

She no longer neglected her physical practice. Her social life was quickly replaced by her job and her love— oh, that beautiful and pure love she has always nourished for that raven haired boy… It was still there, for sure, but it certainly wasn’t the same. It was stronger, now. More responsible and concealed, especially since her emotional expectations in life were close to zero now. She no longer expected him to proclaim his undying love for her, in the same way she no longer expected to be one of the reasons for him to finally settle in the village.

Sakura was no longer a child, and she knew better than to raise her expectations just to see them all crumbling down around her. He wasn’t coming back anytime soon, and even when he did, there was no use in getting all excited since it wouldn’t take long before he left again. It was a harsh way of thinking, and many were the times when Naruto scolded her for that, but it was the only way she knew that would keep her heart from breaking after every damn goodbye.

And so, Haruno Sakura, the girl who used to spread joy and laughter around the village and who used to love everything about christmas, turned into a skeptical workaholic at the age of 18. While all of her friends were out having fun, there she was, walking around the lonely, illuminated streets of the village, protecting herself from the shivering breeze as she tried to get home to her hot tea and the paperwork she had managed to take from the hospital.

Growing up really sucks.

By the time she finally got home, the clock was already marking 18 minutes past midnight. It was officially christmas, and as she had expected— or not expected at all— Sakura feels nothing different. She left her purse on her dinner table and headed straight to the bathroom so she could take a nice, warm bath. The hot water ran down her muscles, soaking her pink hair and allowing her to finally let out a deep breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Sleep was far away from her thoughts even if she had just returned from a long shift, and at that moment, she decided she deserved to spend a little longer under the running waters.

It had been a while since she had last had those minutes to relax, and even if most times she didn’t really have time to miss them, not even the pinkette would be stupid enough not to enjoy those limited moments that had to be forced into her life by the people she loves. Her eyes closed at the warm sensation of the water running down her cheeks, and she didn’t know something as simple as water could leave her skin so sensitive, to the point it tickled.

It felt good and warm, and by the time she was finished with her bath, it was almost 1am. Sakura put on some comfortable, flannel pajamas, and even if it was cold outside, she didn’t bother drying up her short hair. The silence of her apartment and the few lights she had left on reminded her of the years neither Naruto nor Sasuke were around, and much like back then, the pinkette decided to take her mind away from that reality and focus on her responsibilities and a relaxing cup of tea. A chamomile one, her favorite.

With her bare feet against the wooden floor, the medic nin walked towards her small kitchen and started to boil some water that would be enough to fill at least three small cups. She rested one hand on the counter next to the oven, and scratched the back of her neck with the other, massaging the area near the junction with her shoulders. Sakura closed her eyes, and her mind started to wander through her memories again, but that time, she focused on the present instead of the past.

The images of a smiling Naruto filled her mind, as she tried to imagine how happy he probably was at that moment. That was the first time he was spending Christmas away from Konoha, and even if he had sent her a letter complaining about the heat wave of the desert, she knew he was having fun. That knucklehead accepted the Kazekage’s invitation to spend the holidays at Sunagakure, and he was complaining about the weather and the sand.

That idiot, she thought.

Still, it was not like she wasn’t happy for him. Gaara’s friendship is really important for the blonde, and having a chance to deepen that bond was something Naruto was really looking forward to.

He was certainly going to enjoy his holidays. And at that moment, she could only hope the third, original member of their team was also having a good time.

As it was expected from the Uchiha, no one knew where he was or what he was up to. It had been weeks since his last letter arrived for her, and apart from the usual ‘I'm alive, therefore I’m writing you a letter’ thing, the raven haired boy didn’t really disclose much information. Perhaps, she thought, as a smile decorated her face; that he wouldn’t tell her such things so she wouldn’t go after him.

Her smile quickly changed into a smirk, and she couldn’t help but mentally call him a bastard. It was not like she would simply abandon her life and go after him. Not anymore, at least.

A sigh escaped her throat at the thought. “ Sasuke-kun…”

The memories of the Uchiha have always been the ones to bring her more emotions. All the time they’ve spent together and all the things they’ve been through were enough to make her worry about him even if he’s one of the best ninjas the world has ever met. Especially during the holidays, she wonders how he’s doing or if he’s cold. She wonders if he found a place to stay, and if this place has people who are treating him well.

She wonders if, perhaps, he has found someone worthy of his heart. And if so, she wonders if he will be spending christmas with her.

It’s a stupid thought, for sure. She has no right to be jealous over him, and if anything, she should only be happy for the man who has always meant so much for her. His happiness is the most important thing, and more than anything, Sakura wished him a merry christmas, wherever and with whomever he was.

Unlike her, she just hoped Sasuke wouldn’t miss the chance of spending the holidays with his significant others.

And indeed, he wasn’t.

A knock on the door surprised her by the time boiling water was acting on the plants. At first, she thought she had heard things. Who on earth would be knocking on people’s doors at such wee hours of the dawn?

Her brows arched in confusion, and it wasn’t only until there was another knock that she decided to move. She checked the clock just to make sure she wasn’t insane or anything, and when she realized it was almost 1:30 in the morning, Sakura concluded that the person at her door was either from the hospital due to an emergency, or Ino trying to drag her towards her christmas party. If it was the later, then, perhaps, she could return to the hospital under Tsunade’s exception.

If not for her low levels of chakra, the Haruno girl would’ve sensed the enormous power coming from the other side of the door, and perhaps, her reaction would’ve been different by the time she opened the door. Her eyes widened, her lips parted, and she had to lean against the doorframe in order not to fall. She could barely feel her nose due to the cold breeze hitting her face, but at that moment, all she could think of was how much she had missed those deep, dark eyes of the raven haired boy.

That was certainly a christmas miracle.

“ Sasuke-kun… You’re back.”

“ Aah.” He nodded, his expression as peaceful as ever. His eyes roamed around her in the same way hers were memorizing all the changes he had suffered since the last time they met. He was still wearing that same black cloak, and his hair was still as spiked as ever, but the lines of his face were stronger and a lot more mature than before. His chin had more angles now, and his lips seemed softer as his face displayed a soft expression.

Uchiha Sasuke looked good as ever, and she wasn’t surprised by that at all.

Though, believing in Santa would've been a lot easier than believing he was actually standing there on her doorstep. And judging by the color of his nose, it was also possible to say he was cold.

“ D-Don’t just stay out there! Come on in! It’s freezing out here.” She said, stepping aside and giving him space to pass.

“ Thanks.” He muttered, entering her apartment and promptly removing his cloak. For many were the times he had been there to pay her a visit, some formalities were already left behind, and he certainly didn’t need an invitation to walk around and feel at home.

They both headed towards her living room, and he was the first to settle down on her couch. His eyes didn’t miss the mess of papers spread on her center table, and he would be lying if he said all that mess didn’t bother him. Not because of his cleaning mania, no, but mainly because of the time of the year.

Maybe, the info he had gotten wasn’t an overreaction, after all.

“ Tea?” She came from behind him, offering him a cup he promptly accepted. She didn’t add any sugar, for she knew his preferences, and even if he didn’t like chamomile, he could stand the taste of it if not sweetened like the way she drinks it.

Sakura, then, sat on the chair across from him, bringing her legs up so she sat with them crossed instead of how normal people should sit. An awkward silence settled in between them while they sipped their tea, and she patiently observed him with those big, emerald eyes of hers. As always, the Uchiha was a master with words.

“ So…” She started, sighing and deciding it was already too late for any small talk. “ What are you doing here, Sasuke? You don’t really want me to believe you’re here just because you’ve missed me.”

A smirk crossed his lips, as he was impressed by how direct his teammate has become. His eyes shifted from the papers to her green orbs, and she felt himself relax at the sight of the pink haired girl confidently looking at him. “ Hn, you don’t waste time, do you?”

“ Not when your teammate shows up at your apartment at 1am.”

“ Fair enough.”

“ Though I can start asking you about your journey and tell you all about Naruto’s newest attempt on learning fire ninjutsus.”

“ Tch, that Dobe…” He sighed, trying not to judge his best friend’s weird ideas. The Uchiha remembered the blonde writing something about that in one of his letters, but he never thought he would actually try something so stupid.

What a great Hokage he was going to be in the future.

But at that moment, the future of Konoha didn’t seem important. When he looked back at her, he realized her judging stare was still on him, and Sakura was still waiting for her answer. And by the look in her eyes, she wouldn’t simply accept a half lie such as his needs to refill his supplies.

She wanted the truth. And that was exactly what he was going to give her.

A sigh escaped his lips as his hand slowly moved to his pocket before fishing out a couple of crumpled papers and leaving them on her center table. He watched as her eyes widened in curiosity, and once she reached out and started reading whatever was written there, the Uchiha decided he could finally start talking now that he had given her the evidences that would prove the veracity of his words. “ You see, apparently, you’ve been doing some things that are leaving all these people worried, Sakura. I’ve received letters from your parents, Naruto, Ino, Kakashi and even from the Godaime.”

“ Are you serious? Why would they even do that?”

“ Hn, they are worried about you. ”

“ Why would they be? I’m fine. Just because I’m taking some extra-shifts at the hospital every now and then it doesn’t mean there’s actually something wrong.”

“ Are you sure about that? According to the letters, your extra shifts seem to be something important.”

“ Oh, not you too, Sasuke-kun! It’s just my job!”

“ I know… But by the way they all described it, you are not okay, Sakura. It seemed like you needed help."

“ Help?” She lifted an eyebrow in confusion while reading the words the Yamanaka girl had written him. Apart from the lack of formality, the blonde had written things such as ‘workaholic’, ‘exhausted' and ‘get back home and use your Uchiha magic on her’. Even if her friend, indeed, seemed to be concerned, Sakura couldn’t help but feel annoyed at all those overreacted assumptions. “ What the hell, that pig actually told you I’m suffering from Christmas Depression-shannarou!”

An uncomfortable silence settled around them after her words, and it was as if he was holding back  something that was killing him inside. It’s true that by the way those people had described Sakura’s current situation, Sasuke expected things to be a lot worse than what they actually seemed to be. During his travels, he has seen people who are going through depression crises, and fortunately, the pinkette didn’t look like them at all.

Even if she did seem tired and she had certainly lost some weight, the Haruno girl, indeed, looked fine, and that was why the Uchiha pondered whether or not he should say what was on his mind. Maybe those people were overreacting. Maybe they were just plotting to bring him home so they could try to set them up. Maybe she didn’t really need him and anything he could do or say would be useless.

Still, as he kept looking at her house and the lack of Christmas decorations, Sasuke decided that perhaps there was more than his eyes could tell. And so, when she was trying to read Naruto’s messy handwriting, the Uchiha cleared his throat and took a deep breath. If there was really something wrong with her, he was going to find out. “ … Are you, Sakura?”

“ Uh?” She lifted her head, connecting their eyes as she looked at him with a confused expression. “ Am I what, Sasuke-kun?”

“ Are you suffering from Christmas Depression?”

Her eyes widened, her lips parted, and soon, her confused expression changed into an angry one. Her brows knitted downwards, and she glared at him after abandoning the papers back on the center table. “ Are you seriously asking me that, Sasuke?”

He felt shivers running down his spine, still, he didn’t back off. He simply nodded, not taking his eyes away from hers. “Aah.”

“ Of course not, Sasuke! Damn it, why can’t people just leave me alone?!”

“ Alone? What do you mean?”

“ Tch… I’m just trying to do my things, you know? But apparently, just because what I want to do isn’t considered to be normal for a girl of my age, then there’s something wrong with me!"

“ It’s not like that, Sakura.”

“ Yes, it is! Just because I didn’t want to go to Ino’s party or because I took some extra shifts at the hospital; people think there’s something wrong! Even you decided to come all the way back to the village during Christmas just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy! Gosh, this is so… This is so annoying!”

Her hands curled into fists, and perhaps, were her chakra reserves a little higher, her couch would have been destroyed by her irritation. Sakura was mad and tired, and apparently, not even she was aware of whatever was happening with her. It was evident that the pinkette was under a lot of stress and she was trying to cope it with more work and even a certain isolation he understood very well. She could not be aware of that, but she was avoiding her family, friends and even herself, seeking comfort in her professional obligations and not allowing herself time to realize how lonely she actually was, let alone decorate her apartment for the holidays.

Haruno Sakura was, indeed, lonely. And loneliness didn’t suit her at all.

Especially not during Christmas. Especially not when he was around.

His expression softened at the sight of the girl in front of him, and promptly, Sasuke started to think about something that could help her feel better. His mind took him back to their younger days, when the pinkette was nothing but a bubble of happiness around that time of the year. Sakura used to be the personification of Christmas itself. She would invite the whole team for the dinner her mother would prepare, and he remembered how her eyes would shine every time she would take her time watching the tree and all its ornaments.

Oh, yes… The Christmas Tree.

The most significant and beautiful thing about Christmas, or at least that was what he thought. He didn’t know exactly why, but Sasuke has always been fond of all that beautiful mess of ornaments and lights displayed around the green branches of the tree. Maybe it had something to do with Itachi and his own family celebrations, he didn’t really know. Still, every time his eyes saw that colorful mess, it was like a nostalgic and comfortable flutter took over his chest and made his lips curl up in something that could be considered a smile.

And perhaps that was what she needed, he thought.

Perhaps Sakura needed that one, simple moment of joy to remember how Christmas should feel, in the same it felt when she was a child.

She needed that, more than anyone at that moment. And the Uchiha— well— he needed a tree.

“ Sakura.” He started, firmly, and slowly, her eyes met his. She was paying attention, curiosity spread around her face at such sudden, confident tone. “ We need a Christmas Tree.”

Her expression turned blank after she listened to his words, and she didn't know for how long she was left spacing out, just trying to understand what he was talking about. “ What?”

“ A Christmas Tree.” He repeated, standing up and looking around her apartment. “ Do you have one?”

“…. Why would you need a Christmas Tree now, Sasuke?”

“ You didn’t decorate one this year. We’re doing it together now.”

The pinkette opened her mouth a couple of times as she tried her best to form the correct phrase for this situation. She blinked a couple of times more than necessary, and it wasn’t until she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back on the couch that she could finally come up with something. “ Are you high?”

“ What?”

“ Seriously… Did you eat some kind of mushroom around the woods lately that just left you… high?”

“ No… Why are you even asking me that?”

“ Because…” She stood up, placing both hands on her waist. “ I’m not sure you’re aware that you’re suggesting for us to find a Christmas tree and decorate it at 3 freaking am of Christmas day.”

“… So what? It’s not my fault you didn’t do it earlier.”

“ You… How dare yo—“

“ Do you have it or not, Sakura?”

His eyes were strongly connected to hers, and at that moment, she saw no sign of joke or opium intoxication in him. He meant every single word of his crazy idea, and he was not going to give up on that so easily. Of all the things the Uchiha has done in his life, showing up at her apartment and demanding to decorate a christmas tree was by far the most illogical one. It just didn’t make sense, and were Naruto telling her this story, she wouldn’t have believed a single word of it.

Uchiha Sasuke had certainly gone crazy. Or maybe it was all an illusion created by her own mind. Either way, Sakura was too tired to argue at that moment.

If he wanted a Christmas tree, she would give him one.

A defeated sigh escaped her lips, and after massaging the bridge between her eyes, the pinkette started to walk towards her front door. His eyes were glued on her, and she could feel as he observed as she left her apartment, her bare feet touching the cold floor outside. She disappeared from his sight, and after a couple of minutes, when Sasuke thought she had run away, the Haruno girl came back, a considerably big tree hanging on her shoulder, as she walked through her living room. She looked different now, as she easily placed that tree on the floor. It was as if a new fire had been lit inside her, and perhaps, that was a good start for the night.

That, or maybe she had really snapped after his great idea.

“ Why are you just standing there, Sasuke? You can bet your ass you’re gonna help me with this tree, and I don’t care if you have only one arm-shannarou!”

“ Hn.” He smirked at her glare, deciding not to push her any further after she actually showed up with a Christmas tree. He approached her, and watched as she tried to get rid of the small bushes that had gotten stuck on her clothes. “ So you did have a Christmas Tree.”

“ Tsunade-sama gave it to me the other day. I left it downstairs to see if anyone would take it, but apparently, no one even touched it.”

“ I really can’t imagine why.”

“ Tch, I can’t believe you’ve convinced me to do this…” She looked at his tall figure towering over her, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by his presence.

“ It will be fun, you’ll see.”

“ You better be right, Uchiha Sasuke.” She smirked at him, unconsciously licking her lips as if to plan her next steps. “ I’ll go get the ornaments and the lights. Make us some decent coffee because it will be a long, christmas night.”

“ Hn. It’s not like you have anything better to do.”

“ Fair enough.”

By the time the tree was fully decorated, the sun was starting to creep out from behind the Hokages’ monument. With the help of some shadow clones, both of them were able to finish everything without many problems. There was a comfortable silence around her living room, the lights of the tree being the only source of light in her apartment.

It was way too late to even check the clock, and even if normally they would try to keep some sort of decency around each other, neither of them seemed to care about that anymore, as Sakura was lazily laying on her couch, her forearms resting over her eyes, while Sasuke sat on the floor, with his back pressed against the front of the same couch and his arm resting over his knee. They were breathing in a peaceful rhythm, and due to the close distance they were from each other, it was possible for them to hear — and for the Uchiha to even feel— the air leaving the other’s lungs.

In the same way her breath tickled the back of his neck, his strong, musky scent invaded her nostrils, and even if normally that would leave them both a bit bothered, that kind of intimacy felt unusually comfortable at that moment.

And for being Haruno Sakura, intimacy usually came with words.

“ Sasuke-kun…” She started, laying over her right elbow so she could face the back of his head. Her hair was falling over her forehead, covering the yin seal, as her eyes softly observed the man in front of her. At some point during their Christmas activities, Sakura finally realized that she was actually spending some good, harmless time with him, and that was certainly enough to warm her heart. “ How was it like before the whole thing? Christmas at your place, I mean…”

His answer wasn’t immediate, as he brought back the memories of his childish days. There were really good ones that featured the brightest smiles of his family, and he didn’t need a lot of time to come up with the words they were both expecting to hear. “ Hn, it was great. My best family memories must be from Christmas, when I would help Itachi with all the decorations and we would fool around all day.”

A smile made its way to her lips at the image of a small Sasuke running around with his big brother, She didn’t know him well back then, but from the pictures she has seen around, it was easy to tell  he had had a happy childhood while it lasted. “ And what about your parents? Did they like Christmas?”

“ My mother liked it a lot. She was the one to start all the decorations and prepare the banquet for us. She was always smiling during that time of the year, and I can’t recall a single Christmas without her cinnamon cookies.” He smiled at the memory of that delightful taste, and enjoyed the relaxing feeling that talking about his deceased family brought to his heart. Even if there was a time he couldn’t share a single memory without feeling the anger taking over his senses, now, the Uchiha felt good while sharing the simple things from his childhood. He liked to talk about them, but it was not like he would share such things with anyone, no.

It had to be someone special. Someone like Haruno Sakura.

“ And what about your dad? Not a fan of the holidays?”

“ My father was different… He liked Christmas, but he never really voiced his thoughts.”

“ Really can’t imagine anyone like that.” She teased, and she could see the smirk that grew on his lips.

“ Every year, he would spend time with us while we decorated the tree, then, eventually, he would tell my mom how everything was beautiful.” He turned his head to face her, his expression now changed in a certain curiosity as he somehow tried to solve a mystery from his past. “ By the end of the night, right after my mother sent us off to bed, I remember seeing my father joining her at the living room. He would sit on the couch next to her, but I never found out what they would do after that. Itachi would always pull me away before I could see anything.”

“ Oh, come on, Sasuke-kun. They were just trying to have a romantic time together. It’s Christmas, after all. It’s a good time for couples.” She chuckled at him, curling up closer to the edge of the couch. Her eyes were on him now, and she hadn’t noticed how close their faces were until she caught herself looking straight at his long eyelashes. His scent was still messing with her senses, and she suddenly felt her heart beating faster.

What on earth was going on? Could it be…

“ Aah… You’re probably right.” His eyes were on hers now, and at that moment, he saw how bright they were as they reflected the christmas lights from the tree. She smelled like soap, and for the first time that night, Sasuke managed to see a kind and loving expression on her face. It was similar to the one she used to wear when she was younger, but this time, it was deeper and more mature. It was possible to see the traces of the hardships she had to go through during her life, and if anything, all those stories hidden behind her exterior just made the pinkette a lot more captivating.

It made her even more beautiful.

And— oh, he really couldn’t hold back anymore.

“ Yeah… I am.”

After her whispered words, a new silence took over the apartment. Neither of them really knew who was the first to do it, but before any of them could tell, their lips were already pressed against each other in a soft, chaste kiss. It tasted like coffee and the sugar from the Christmas cookies she had gotten from her patients; and it felt warm like a fireplace. His back still remained pressed against the couch, and her elbows were holding her in place, as they didn’t feel like parting their loving connection.

Neither of them knew how long it had passed until they slowly broke away. Their faces remained just a couple of inches apart, and as their hot breath tickled their warm lips, both Sasuke and Sakura allowed a soft smile to take over their expressions.

That kiss felt indescribably good. It felt relieving, as if it was something that should’ve happened a long time before. Their hearts were beating as one at that moment, and for sure, the pinkette could feel the tension disappearing with every breath she took.

God— how good that felt. After months of complete, emotional stagnation, Sakura could finally feel something. Tears threatened to stream down her face at that moment, as she felt her cheeks growing even warmer than before at the simple thought of a simple kiss bringing back a rush of emotions to her heart. She had been feeling so lonely lately that she had feared she would never feel things the way she used to feel.

Even if she had repeatedly told everyone she was fine, the pinkette, more than anyone, knew that wasn't completely true. She didn’t know exactly what was happening to her, but there was something that wasn’t right, and it weighed like a heavy rock. She had managed to put it aside for a while, but when Christmas came, she saw herself all alone and with nothing left of the girl who used to love that time of the year so much.

She hated feeling like that. She hated feeling nothing, and she feared never feeling anything again.

Perhaps, she really was going through Christmas Depression, as Ino had said. Perhaps, she really needed help.

And at that moment, he was giving her everything she needed.

He was giving her the best Christmas present she could’ve asked for.

“ Thank you, Sasuke-kun…” She said, biting her lower lips as she held back her tears. She was looking deep into her eyes, and felt her heart skipping a beat when she found the softest expression taking over his dark irises. He knew exactly what she meant with those words, and more than anything, he was happy to have been able to help.

Yes, Uchiha Sasuke was happy. Happy to have helped her, happy to be home and certainly happy to have kissed her lips. Not ignoring those letters had been a great decision, and now, more than ever, he was happy to be home, with her.

It felt comfortable and even relaxing after spending the whole Christmas night decorating a tree.

It felt familiar, even if neither of them had ever shared a moment like that before. Sure, it brought back memories and made them think about the infinite ‘what if’s of their lives, but it certainly didn’t feel regretful or depressing at all. It was a different kind of Christmas for the ninjas, and not even during their innocent days had they felt so at peace during the holidays.

That was definitely a different and nostalgic Christmas for both of them. A really good one, nonetheless.

“ Aah… Merry Christmas, Sakura.”

“ Yeah… Merry Christmas, Sasuke-kun.”

[ayearofpike]

Whisper of Death

Pocket Books, 1991 180 pages, 13 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-69058-2 LOC: CPB Box no. 1161 vol. 8 OCLC: 24856738 Released December 1, 1991 (per B&N)

At the last moment, Roxanne Wells runs out of the surgery room where she’s scheduled for an abortion. As she and her boyfriend return home, they are unnerved by the fact that their town is apparently completely empty. The only ones remaining share one thing in common — their relationship with Betty Sue McCormick, a troubled girl who killed herself four weeks ago, right around the time Rox got pregnant. And then they find Betty Sue’s stories, and the accidents start, and there is no way for any of them to get away.

At last we arrive at the book that my dear friend and follower @mildhorror​ has been looking for. As she reads along, she's looking for the short stories embedded in the novel that have gruesome and horrific deaths for their protagonists, stories that entice their living subjects into parallel fates. Look no more, my friend: it's in here.

I actually didn't remember this story at all, apart from some bare scaffolding. But Tonya Pines was on to something when she said, in her intro to Thirteen, that the swing toward YA horror was only getting stronger. This one is darker than we've seen from Pike yet, and remember, we're talking about a dude who's already written a vulture spirit girl who tears dudes apart, an immortal lizard necromancer, and a cassette-tape spirit possessing a James Dean-acting murderer. This is full-on unexplainable supernatural fear here, something I can't possibly imagine him being able to get away with if not for the success of his books and those by other authors slowly ramping up the crazy.

The story starts at the end, sort of. Rox is our narrator, writing in the first person, preparing us for the empty universe in which she now sits and how she came to be there. The recollection starts with her boyfriend, Pepper, and their brief but intense courtship in the nowhere desert of Salem, Arizona. You know how these things go, especially if you're in one of these small towns that Pike loves to valorize but still can't quite quantify: boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl have a roll in the hay (literally, in the barn at Pepper's house), girl gets pregnant while still in high school. She has an unexpectedly adverse reaction to abortion from the beginning, but Pepper doesn't want the kid so she agrees to get one. There's not a place to do it in their town, though — they have to go to a larger town two hours away, to a clinic that's open early on Saturday morning. So Rox goes into the exam room, the doctor sets her up, he gives her a shot. And then he runs out of the room in a hurry.

This is where Rox starts thinking about Betty Sue, who burned herself to death at the edge of town about a month before. The loss of life makes her instantly regret what she's doing, so she climbs up off the exam table, gets dressed, and goes back to the lobby, where Pepper sits alone. She says she's done, she wants to leave, and she wants to drive. They're on the road before she tells him she didn't do it, and that he's not going to change her mind. So he falls asleep and she keeps driving home. They're halfway home when Rox sees a hitchhiker on the side of the road, silhouetted by the sunrise. But when she tries to get a better look, the person is gone. Oh well, no ride for this person, and Rox keeps going and only stops to get gas when they get back to town.

But nobody's in the gas station. This is before the proliferation of debit cards, and maybe even before nationwide insistence on pre-paying for gas. So Rox puts $5 worth into her tank (4.3 gallons, Pike says, which sounds crazy cheap now but is still a vast overestimation of the cost of gas outside California in 1991) and goes to pay but can't find anyone to take her money. There's no one in the booth, no one in the bathroom, no one in the service garage, no one anywhere at all. Weird, but not enough to keep Rox from dropping Pepper at home and then going home herself. Which is just as empty. She expected this, as her dad is a long-haul trucker and is away most of the time, but now she's starting to get freaked out. It's worse when she turns on the radio and only gets fuzz, and the TV does the same thing, no matter how she tunes them. She calls people — Pepper, the 24-hour supermarket, her best friend in Florida — but no one picks up. Pounding on neighbors' doors likewise elicits no response.

Rox is alone.

She's yelling in the town square when she bumps into Pepper again, who's had the same issue of not being able to find anyone. They break into a nearby store to try to use the phone, calling everywhere and everyone they can think of, but there's no response. Before they can totally freak out, the school valedictorian walks in, having wandered downtown looking for anyone at all and heard them yelling at each other. He's been tipped off to their situation because he can't pick up any transmissions on his short-wave radio. Nerds, right? He wants to poke around Salem and look for others, but Pepper wants to get the fuck out of Dodge. So they compromise and decide to rob the bank to get enough money to finance traveling around until they find anyone else.

Only someone's beaten them to the bank, a big mean slacker bully with a couple of guns. He shoots out the door on instinct, hitting Rox in the leg enough to bloody her pants but but not enough to incapacitate her. They all go to the drugstore next door to get Rox a bandage, and while they're working on it the town beauty walks in looking for aspirin. Obviously everyone is freaked out in different ways that they can't find anyone else, so while they're breaking in places the valedictorian suggests the ice cream shop, so they can eat and talk about what's going on. Fat nerds, right? Did I mention he’s fat? Have I talked at all about how Pike body-shames the hell out of anybody who’s heavy? Like, he goes out of his way to describe these loads and how grossed out his characters are at the very thought of an obese person existing in their universe. Maybe I’ve avoided it because it hits me a little too close to home, but it’s rather grotesque how hard these books lay into the fat kids. 

So anyway, as they eat their ice cream (fat nerd digging straight into a gallon tub) they come to a few possible conclusions. First, the world changed right around sunrise, because Rox and Pepper saw people before that and everyone was gone after. Second, there is power and energy, but no other life aside from the five of them, as far as they know: no dogs, no birds, no bugs, nothing. Third, as they can't reach anybody outside and no broadcasts are coming to them, it may be that the world is fine and it's just these high school seniors who've been isolated in a separate dimension. And that's the fourth thing: they're all the same age, live in the same town, attend the same school. And they all (except Rox) had a connection to Betty Sue McCormick.

When the valedictorian brings up her name, everybody else gets freaked out. It's enough for Rox to think that yeah, maybe there is actually something to this seemingly-tenuous connection. She realizes, too, that what she saw of the fleeting vanishing hitchhiker (not much more than flaming red hair and a female shape) might match with Betty Sue. So they go to her house and see if there's anything that might help them out. What they find are Betty Sue's diary and a pile of short stories, neatly stacked on her desk, as though waiting for someone to find them. The diary mentions all of them (again, except Rox) and hints at the various wrongs they'd done to Betty Sue and what punishments and revenge she'd like to seek out for them. The stories are something else entirely: written in simplistic prose and rhyming verse, describing a character who is undone by a tragic accident.

We only get to see the first one — a tale of a lovely young woman, the most beautiful girl at a costume party, who burns to death when she catches fire wishing on a celebratory cake — before the beauty queen freaks out, throws the diary onto an open flame on the gas stove, and rips the stories into pieces to be scattered by the wind. She's more ready than ever to get away, and so she swipes a car and fills it to capacity and beyond with gas. But she's smoking a cigarette, even though nobody had ever seen her smoke before. And the gas won't stop coming from the nozzle, and she drops her cigarette, and the entire gas station goes up in an explosion.

So Rox is curious now. Why did Betty Sue kill herself? How has she managed to isolate and target these kids in particular? Does she really have powers beyond the mundane that can make others do her bidding? Is she even actually dead? The weirdest thing about these questions, though, is that apparently Rox has lived in the same town as most of these other people for her entire life — and remember, it’s a small town in the middle of nowhere — and she doesn’t know them well enough to piece it together. I guess if you don’t care and are unobservant, maybe, but that’s not how I roll, so it’s hard to believe.

The valedictorian does his best to answer Rox’s questions. He knew that the beauty queen was Betty Sue’s childhood friend, and that she wasn’t so good-looking when she was younger and more or less ditched her friend when she got her looks. He himself liked Betty Sue; even though he was a little scared of her he found himself going to see her whenever she wanted, even if he didn’t necessarily want to. From the diary, he learned that the bully had gone out with Betty Sue and that it hadn’t ended well, and also that Pepper was interesting to her but the burned pages didn’t reveal specifics. The most personally concerning anecdote he had, though, regarded Betty Sue’s habit of catching butterflies in glass jars and letting them die. It’s clear that the valedictorian thinks that they’ve been trapped in a jar of their own.

If this is true, they figure, then Betty Sue must still be alive and around to keep an eye on them. They go try to find her, and sure enough the bully starts catching distant glimpses of red hair. He goes after it, guns blazing, and Pepper chases after him. Meanwhile, Rox and the nerd decide to piece together the torn stories. The next one they manage to decipher is about a young man who tries to go over a wall to a place where he doesn’t belong, only he can’t jump off, and as he walks along it the wall gets thinner and thinner, to the point where an unfortunate misstep slices him in half up the middle. Makes sense that if the bully had assaulted Betty Sue, her vengeance would involve killing him junk-first. (As a personal note, this story plus a broken knee may have contributed to my paralyzing fear of slipping and tearing my groin.) And sure enough, when they manage to catch up to him, he’s still firing his gun at shadows and reflections, and when the one in his hand runs out of shells he goes for the one in his belt. And squeezes the trigger before it’s out.

Blowing off his own dick doesn’t kill him, though. Rox has to finish it. She takes the gun and shoots the bully in the head. And then they put together the next story, about a court jester who can’t tell original stories and so the queen makes him stab himself in the heart. So for some reason they let the valedictorian go into the drugstore by himself, where he slits his wrists and bleeds out. I don’t really get this either: she killed him because he was ... boring? Like, abandoning your friend is an offense. Rape is a serious offense. But ... not being amusing? It doesn’t hold. Before he dies, though, he tells Rox that Betty Sue was pregnant when she killed herself, and that she needed someone else to get into her position in order to make herself immortal. So now we’re finally seeing what Rox is doing here at all, if she never knew or wronged Betty Sue that she knew of. But who was it that got her pregnant?

See, the whole time, Rox is trying to figure out exactly what Pepper’s relationship with Betty Sue was before she died. He’s been denying that they had anything, and slowly eases up the way little kids and asshole dudes do when they’re caught, trying to cop to a smaller offense so they don’t have to admit the bigger one. Yeah, they hung out. Yeah, he went out with her a few times. Yeah, they had sex. Yeah, he got her pregnant. Yeah, it was after he had sex with Rox. This last one comes out after they’ve read the final story, about Salt and Pepper seasoning the queen’s food and Pepper ending up on her fork. They’re back in the barn while they talk about this, and in her anger (an anger that has come on more strongly than she’d have ever intended) Rox shoves Pepper out of the loft and into the haystack. Where he lands directly on a pitchfork, tines facing up.

There’s nothing left to do. There’s nothing else. Rox finds herself wandering back to Betty Sue’s bedroom, where she writes down her whole story, even as she’s not sure whether it will ever be read by anybody. 

As she gets to the end, who should appear but the big bad queen herself. She tells Rox that not only was her abortion the catalyst for Betty Sue’s revenge, but that she changed her mind too late about not having it. And suddenly, we’re in the third person, outside the clinic exam room, where Pepper is crying and praying and worrying about Rox. He really does love her, after all, and he’s worried about his selfishness causing her to get hurt. Which, good call, dickbag, because now the doctor is running around all panicky, and when Pepper forces his way back into the room Rox is dead, having hemorrhaged so suddenly and mysteriously that the doctor couldn’t save her.

There’s nothing else for Pepper to do but drive home. On the way, he picks up a red-headed hitchhiker who looks strangely familiar. And thus begins Betty Sue’s story anew.

So that’s Whisper of Death. Interesting and spooky, mostly well-told but some holes that don’t make sense. That’s the way we’re going with most of Pike’s work anyway, and this one is better than some others. It’s another one like Remember Me, where I can talk about the elements here and give a summary, but it doesn’t really do the story justice. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and even if this one isn’t quite as good it still fits that mold.

[imagine-wannaone]

Lai Guanlin Medical Au

Back and late as always~

> • You hadn’t expected to spend your Saturday night in the hospital,  >• But then who ever does except for doctors?  >• It’s been a while since you last saw the bright lights and overworked doctors and nurses, > • I mean it’s been a year, > • But as someone infamous for being incredibly clumsy, a year was a break,

> • It had started at the age of 6, breaking your arm, and then it’d just tumbled, > • From broken noses to crushed feet and bruised ribs, you’re sure that you’re at least 40% metal at this point, > • You’d be an awful superhero but you’re half way there, >• So you should be pretty used to pain by now, >• Hahahaha nope, > • Propped in a wheelchair in a busy part of the waiting room, you’re pretty happy to whine to your best friend, > • Who sits next to you, a veteran at accompanying you to the sterilised building after your accidents, > • But she was part of your reason for ending up there in the first place, > • It’d started a completely innocent day, hanging with your best friend, dancing goofily to songs on the radio and chatting endlessly,

> • But of course there’s always an element of boredom, which only means one thing for the two of you, > • Couples yoga, > • It’d always been a tradition for the two of you to try the weirdest couple yoga positions after you’d quit gymnastics together when you were 15, > • You’d actually become quite good tho??? > • Throw any weird position together and you’d find a way, > • It’s not yet known if you just liked throwing your best friend around or if you actually enjoyed the activity, > • During the warm up, a double plank, > • A move that you’d previously perfected despite the fact you now sat in a bustling hospital, > • You’d made a quick comment which had your friend bursting into a laughing fit, collapsing down onto your legs, > • Because you were always the bottom in yoga, stronger than your friend, > • Which made your pose break and your knee slammed in the ground, > • Okay maybe yoga isn’t the place for puns, > • (Isn’t everywhere the place for puns?), > • Or clumsy people, > • But now your knee looks a little off angle, and maybe a little swollen and yeah, maybe a little blue, > • Which really isn’t reassuring, > • And it’s screaming at you like a child having a tantrum in a toy store, > • Smh children are a lot of work, > • So your best friend listens to your complaining as you watch the waiting time leap from 4 hours to 5, > • That means you’ve got to sit in that all too familiar room for 3 more excruciatingly long hours, > • And one of the girls from the couple across from you has a bandage wrapped around her head and you feel bad for giggling at how cartoon-like it looks, > • But her girlfriend can’t seem to stop laughing at her, unable to fully meet her eyes without bursting into a new fit, > • Couple goals, > • I mean if you can’t laugh at each other what can you do? > • But while you have to wait a short lifetime, you also feel bad for all the nurses and doctors, rushed off their feet, as always, > • You pass your time by buying sweets from the vending machine and trying to throw them into your friends mouth, unable to move yourself, > • Which nearly ends in another broken bone, > • But tbh what a good place to break another bone, > • Then you’d be matching, > • And you make up people’s life stories as they walk/limp/roll past, > • Your friend naps on your shoulder and you wish your knee wasn’t keeping you awake, > • You’re pretty sure you can see the light when a nurse finally, finally, calls your name and you wheel the hell out of there, >  • One of the kids across from you had just started crying and it broke your heart, you just wanted to wrap him in blankets, > • You rolled to a stop and one of the doctors/ nurses (you were way too tired to try to be able to tell them apart) dropped into the seat opposite, > • He looked about as tired as you felt and you nearly sent him to go for a nap, > • But despite the tired eyes he still smiles at you and it’s 10/10, > • Like damn, > • A warm ass smile as well, not one of the mandatory ones, > • It warms your heart and you grin goofily back despite your knee, who does not like the notion of movement and protests heavily, > • He takes one look at your knee and is like whelp it’s screwed, > • Like yeah bruh, that’s why I’m here, > • So then you have to wait another half hour to get an x-ray, which is honestly awful, > • Not only are you getting radiation blasted at you, they have to move you, > • While you understand that they have to find out what’s actually wrong with your cursed knee, > • You don’t want to understand because it’s easier to complain when you’re ignorant, > • (Whoop too real here sorry) > • You eventually end up back on a bed with doctor Lai again, full circle, > • He cracks another heart warming, full gummy smile when you tell him how you’ve broken your kneecap, to which your friend hangs her head in fake shame and you grin, > • Cus his smile is damn intoxicating, > • That smile makes your head tingle; heart flutter, >  • So you’re infinitely glad you’re not hooked to one of those heart rate monitors, > • So after Doctor Lai confirms you’ve broken your kneecap, which is really a surprise to no one, > • He confirms you don’t need surgery and you thank the universe for being less mean than it could have been, > • You know what pain is coming when he says he’s going to cast it, > • His hands look delicate though so you comfort yourself with the knowledge you haven’t got a rough ass nurse casting your leg, > • But then you also have an extremely handsome doctor/nurse seeing you at your, admittedly not lowest, point (but still pretty low), > • Getting ready to cry because you can’t actually bend your leg, > • But when he passes you that gas, > • Oh boi it’s like a whole different you, > • It still burns like hell and you wanna scream but your mind just takes a laid back view on life, > • “You must be tired but you’re still beautiful like wow what’s your skin care?” > • You giggle from the laughing gas, not comprehending at all, > • Your friend has to leave the room from their overflowing giggles, second hand embarrassment and their imagination at your future horror at what just spilled out of your uncontrolled mouth, > • Lai’s cheeks redden > • You make sure to tell him it’s adorable, > • And he chuckles with a shake of his head, > • And then pain shoots up your leg and you cry out again, tears trailing down your face as you breath into the gas,

>  • But apparently you’re brain is still having a chill time, > • Your head is completely confused because this shit hurts, you’re crying, but yOU GOTTA LAUGH, > • “I don’t think you need my skin care routine to be honest, you look pretty cute already,” > • His words muffle your pain further and you giggle > • From the gas or from the compliment, a literal doctor cannot tell, > • “Well thank you, that’s a compliment and a half seeing as it’s coming from you,” > • Lai smiles shyly as he finishes setting your cast, eyes jumping to you as the gas wears off, > • And then it hits you, > • Oh man it hits you like a damn truck, full on and straight to the chest, > • I mean you already knew laughing gas had a stronger reaction on you than most, but you did not expect this, > • You wanna apologize to the doctor but you actually can’t make eye contact, > • You go through the usual, Lai giving you the rundown on what to do next and where to get your meds, > • He wraps his arm around your shoulders to help you shuffle off the bed and makes sure you’re steady enough on your crutches before shaking your hand, > • You finally manage to meet his eyes and practically melt, > • His eyes are tired, yes, but still warm and welcoming and his smile numbs your burning pain and it’s your time to blush before shuffling out of there, > • Your friend greets you buckets of laughter and it’s really what you need, > • That is until you see some pen scrawled onto your cast, something black and shiny standing against the cast, > • You plop down onto a chair, > • Even though you don’t know if you’ll be able to get back up again, > • And your best friend reads you a series of numbers scrawled quickly into the casts white surface, > • Above the number, > • “I’ll share my skincare secrets over a coffee” > • And really nothing has ever been more tempting, > • Guanlin has a busy ass schedule being a doctor, but he always finds time for you, > • Which really amazes you tbh, > • Your little dates are always laid back, because being a doctor is tiring AF, > • And it really suits you because what’s better than just lying around together chatting, or catching a coffee with cake(!!), > • Or playing truth or dare, > • Which is, not gunna lie, kinda dangerous but you gotta live life on edge™ > • And then when Guanlin has a weekend off and he has more energy, it makes the days where you go to theme parks or actually go outside even more special, > • And you’re on a chilled back date when Guanlin doodles over your admittedly bare cast, > • And it’s actually really cute and creative and you’re glad you had previously gone for a minimalistic theme, > • And when you heal you teach Guanlin your couples yoga poses, > • As your bestie had insisted it was a cute couple idea, > • And the fact that yoga had actually bought you together, > • And he gets the hang of it quickly and it’s really good for the two of you because Guanlin has a high stress job so the yoga relaxes the both of you, > • You become one of those couples you see on Instagram with all the crazy poses, looking cute af, > • lmao ‘goals’ > • But yanno, Guanlin really does teach you his skincare secrets and you don’t know if you’ve ever looked healthier, > • But you also don’t know if that’s the routine of the fact you’ve never been happier,

[karumchaoui-blog]

My Philosophy on Dog Training part 3

Once your dog's entire makeup is clear to you, you'll find it easier to do the right thing automatically. And knowing the full range of feats that dogs can perform will give you greater confidence for the more elementary steps. The Love Fallacy One of the chief reasons we have difficulty understanding dogs is, paradoxically, because.they've been associated with us for such a long time-so much so that we take them for granted. The first evidence of dog's association with man is found at the Mesolithic site of Star Carr in England about 9500 B.c when the 

dog's superior sense of smell probably directed man to within bowshot of food animals. Recently in the ruins of Pompeii the lava casts of the bodies of a little boy and his huge dog were found. On the dog's bronze collar was the still legible inscription: "This dog has saved his little master three times once from fire, once from drowning, and once from thieves." The dog had obviously tried to rescue his master once more. * Very few domestic animals were found in the archaeological excavations of Pompeii. Animals instinctively know of impending catastrophe, and obviously most of the dogs fled before the eruption occurred. The night before the San Francisco earthquake in 1906, dogs barked strangely. Horses snorted and stampeded minutes before anyone realized what was going on. In the mountains of Sicily, people leave their houses should the dogs suddenly exit. * In England,medals and trophies are awarded for canine bravery. One is the National Canine Defense League Medal, the dog's version of the Victoria Cross. Swansea Jack, a black retriever, saved twenty-seven people from drowning at the Swansea Docks and was awarded the dog's V.C. Chum was decorated by the Duke of Gloucester for bravery in saving two people from a fire. The dog was sixteen years old. John Garfield once turned down a film role which required him to mistreat a dog. "Slapping women, robbing kids, yes, but the public would never forgive anyone who kicked a dog." One of my most unforgettable clients was a man in his forties who had built a towering reputation in New York's manufacturing community. Midway through his executive life, he acquired a Newfoundland puppy. He found that he had barely enough time to play with the dog when he came home in the evening. Most owners would compromise with such a p full schedule, but not this gentleman. He retired from his enormously successful business and moved away from his family. During the winters he and the Newfoundland went to live in Florida, where he served as a cabana attendant. In the summers he came north again, to tend bar and have the full day to spend with his dog. For seven years he relished his full-time companionship, never missing his previously wealthy life. Then tragedy struck; the Newfoundland became ill with a spine problem. Over $ 10,000 was spent on surgery and recuperation kennels, but the dog was still unable to walk. His owner hired physiotherapists to take the dog swimming each day in the surf-but to no avail, and eventually he had his pet put to sleep. Heartbroken, the man no longer had any "excuse to keep on with his nomadic existence”. He went back to his old line of work, and in a few short months, he had turned a few inventive ideas into a fortune. This brought him no particular joy, but his success was a thorn in the side of his competitors who retaliated-if you can call it that-by leaving another lovely puppy literally on the doorstep of his brownstone. And indeed, he became so involved with his new pet that again he left his business to spend his waking hours with a four-legged companion. An unhappy majority of the population work at jobs they don't like, taking orders from others, forced to hold back their emotions. When they return home in the evening, their only emotional outlet is through their family or their pets. Those who live alone have no immediate family, so they use the dog to balance the day's ledgers either by being nice or being nasty. When they realize that the animal will accept them with no backtalk, they usually look forward to coming home and enjoying their animal. I always remind owners that the ultimate one-to-one relationship is with another person. But if a man wants to take a walk after supper to relax and do some heavy thinking, who does he choose to take along-his wife, his kids, or the dog? People can tell a dog anything, be inconsistent and ill-tempered, and still be assured of faithful love. Some people tell me that if it weren't for their dogs, they couldn't have gotten through moments of stress. When I'm bothered about certain things, I find it relaxing just walking and playing and even talking to my dog. My wife finds pleasure holding her dog in her arms and dancing with him to some good music. I hate to admit it, but if I had to choose between saving my dog and a total human stranger, I would probably save the dog. Check the daily listings in the newspapers lost-and-found column to see how much the average dog can mean to its owners. And once a dog is adopted into the family, no expense seems too high to be justified. An interesting example of this occurred to a New York couple, each of whom was extremely wrapped up in a career. They acquired a collie and since neither was able to walk the animal on any regular schedule, a professional dog walking service was hired. When the husband complained about the bills, the wife told him simply, ,It's too late. “The dog is already part of the family." The status conscious will pick a breed that's very showy and obviously very expensive: a saluki, Afghan, or Russian wolfhound. The dogs that New York's -swinging singles pick are all very good measurements of what the owners want you to think of them. But the owners who worry me are those who choose certain breeds to compensate for their own deficiencies. Some people want very aggressive dogs because either they are, or want to be, aggressive people. Specifically, I find that many owners themselves are physically shy and feel put-upon. So they choose a dog who's anything but. The most common problem, of course, is that the shy master finds it difficult to control an animal he has already decided is 46 stronger' than he is. Many people consider their dog a human being, or at least a creature who appreciates the same luxuries we do. Who hasn't seen households with covered-up chairs for the dog's comfort, televisions turned to a certain channel "for the dogs"? On Park Avenue, there's a poodle who lives in the utmost of style. He has steps up to his bed so that he doesn't have to jump. A rubber mat lies under his sheets, which are changed daily by a maid hired especially for this purpose. The poodle is fed pits, caviar, and champagne, and has a tailor-made wardrobe. His mistress doesn't want to inhibit him in any way. A middle-aged woman called me to check on what supplies she would need for a weekend trip to the Poconos. When questioned what she had already added to the carload, she listed dog deodorizer, foam cushions, food, water bowls, chew bones, toys, a spatula, and a New York Times.

[tara-l-blackmore]

Why I haven’t talked about my surgery

Recently, I was called out on my rather acerbic, furious response on this post, and I’d like to respond in public about it, with even further reasons as to why I still feel the way I do.

Buckle up.

So over a month ago now I had my gallbladder removed as a day surgery. I was told it would be quick, recovery would be swift, and I should be back and recovered in less than a month. So I signed on, and went in.

I waited a longer time than I expected for a surgery that was scheduled, and I was given insufficient pain medication to cope with the wait. I was not allowed to take any pain medicine of my own, due to the anesthesia, so I mentioned to one of the nurses that I was still in a great deal of pain.

“Just wait for your surgery and it will be fine,” I was told.

Now, I wouldn’t of mentioned this if I wasn’t in a significant amount of pain, so this was, needless to say, an agonising wait. I yearned to be knocked out, that’s how bad it was.

Now, once I was prepped and ready to go, I was treated really well. My nervousness was greeted with confidence and reassurance, and before I knew it, I was out.

That was the last reprieve I got for the rest of the day.

When I woke up, I was in AGONY. It made the pre-op pain look like a paper-cut. No nurse was around, so I had to lie there, cold and in pain and scared, waiting for almost a half-hour for someone to come to me.

When someone finally did, I got a POW.

Now, listen. My mother is an RN, and has been for all of my life. I know how stressful the job can be, how painful and frustrating it is. But she also knows that YOU DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON THE PATIENT.

This POW didn’t get that training, apparently.

When I told her I was in a great deal of pain, she said, “Yeah, probably, but you gotta wait, so calm down.” I was still pretty bleh from the anesthesia, so suggesting I wasn’t calm was confusing. So I asked for some water, instead.

“Yeah, whatever, hold on.” The POW vanished, and left me alone for another half-hour. Luckily, another RN took pity on me and got me some water. I told her that I was in a great deal of pain, and she said she would look into it (nothing came of that).

I distracted myself with the water for a while until it was gone, but it wasn’t enough. I coughed and coughed like they told me to but the pain wouldn’t go away.

The POW finally came back, but to take my vitals. Okay, fine. Except she grabbed my arm, pulled me to her, and then strapped the bloodpressure cuff and heart monitor on. It fucking HURT, and I started to cry. She noticed and rolled her eyes, and said it would only take a second, so “just calm down already.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered, “Everything hurts and I’m scared.”

“We’re already looking into that.”

“Okay. Can I see my husband, please?”

“No.” No reasons. No explanation. Just denial.

Now, I know this is bullshit, because when I had my appendectomy, the second I asked for my mom, they went and got her. So I know she was just being a lazy bitch by this point. But I said nothing, because my health was literally in this POW’s hands.

“Okay,” I muttered. “What do I do about the pain?”

“Like I said, we’ll get to that. You have to wait. We need to move beds and make room. We have a lot of people to help.” She ripped the cuff off and vanished again.

I was crying in earnest, now, wishing for both my husband and perhaps death. I was so low, so despondent, that I just wanted to go home or die. I felt like I was dying, already, anyway.

Another fifteen minutes pass and she came back with pain medicine. It was one that was too low to work, and I asked her about it, but she didn’t answer me. Instead she said, “Let it drip and I’ll come back in twenty minutes.”

I let it drip. Nothing changed.

She came back forty-five minutes later, and I told her. She rolled her eyes and left again, then came back with another useless medicine pouch. She hooked it up again and left before I could say a word.

Now I was sobbing. I honestly just wanted my husband, now.

FINALLY, someone else came: an actual fucking real nurse. She saw my tears, comforted me with soft words, and went to the doctor right away when I told her my woes. Immediately, she came back with the right medication, and when it started working I was so happy I cried again and thanked her til I choked.

Once stable, the real nurse took me to a room and FINALLY I could see my FUCKING HUSBAND. I hugged him and cried (and accidentally opened one of my sutures, but the nice nurse patched me up).

It was possibly the very worst hospital experience - save the end - that I’ve ever had to deal with.

And the problem is, for me, that’s common. As someone with chronic pain, I’m treated as a disease, a mysterious pest that has invisible pain and only wants drugs. I’m never taken seriously. I’m never treated as a human. I’m treated as a problem.

I had to go back to the ER twice following the surgery, as I got bogged down badly with complications. And here’s where the second experience comes in.

I was helped for a little bit, but when the (wrong) medication they gave me (surprise) didn’t work, they just... abandoned me for hours. For almost four hours, they abandoned me. My bags dripped dry, I was sobbing and - at one point, I’m ashamed to say - screamed. They then realised they had forgotten me, and maybe to make up for it, sent me to quiet care and gave me my own room, while the proper medicine finally given worked and I could finally (after almost three days without it) sleep. They apologised, of course, but they still did it. And we all know why.

They also didn’t tell me my lung had partially collapsed. Nor did they give me any advice on how to reverse it.

I also caught a horrible cold from that visit.

The second time was almost as bad. I was constantly given the wrong medicine, and when I told them it wouldn’t work, I was told I was wrong and that it would. Surprise, fuckheads, it didn’t.

Only when the shift changed over and a new doctor saw me did I get the help I needed. I cried when I couldn’t feel pain, I was so happy.

While I was stabilising, the doctor came to see me and quietly told me that my pain was unusual and he would prescribe me stronger, proper medicine. I cried and thanked him, too.

It ended well, yes, but it wasn’t worth the price.

Since then, however, I’ve been suffering. I can’t eat or sleep well, I vomit bile a lot, and the less said about my toilet habits, the better.

What is the point of all of this?

It’s my follow-up to that post, added evidence that I, and people in the same situation as I, get treated like shit because of our conditions. We are treated as leeches and venom, to be tossed back outside as soon as possible. We’re given the worst staff, the worst care, and the worst experience.

And no one cares. And no one changes anything.

And yet this makes me an overblown windbag that doesn’t understand hospitals.

Well, this is my proof. I’m sorry you had to read it, but it’s the truth. You can’t understand things like this unless you’re willing to learn. I hope you learnt something.

[we-steer-the-ship]

I Feel Good Today. Now to open up a bit.

Today I've been feeling better than I have in a long time, emotionally and mentally speaking. I don't know why, but I'm grateful to feel this way for a change. To finally have a day where I don't feel like crawling into a ball to die, where I'm not on the verge of tears all day, where I'm actually able to look in the mirror and like myself fully.

(More under the cut)

I know I've been largely quiet on here with the exception of a few random posts or comments here and there. But I'm usually always on here chatting with friends through PMs.

What can I say? Things have been stressful for the entirety of this year.

I won't go into too much detail. But I will say my dad has been battling colon cancer and stage 4 liver cancer for the last few months. He almost died about four months ago after having emergency surgery. He didn't wake up for three days following the surgery and the doctor literally told us he is going to die so we need to prepare. Thankfully he made it only to face a new obstacle. My wife recently had a cancer scare herself, we're still waiting on the results of the biopsy. This past week or so she's been miserably ill. Just sick and drained, in pain. I just want her to be okay.

Stepping away from health issues, I've also had job related stresses. I was switched to a new department, put on a new schedule, faced difficulty with learning the new department, had my schedule changed again. So my sleep schedule has been royally messed up for months with me getting progressively less and less sleep per night. However, things there finally seem to be reaching an even level lately.

While all this has been going on, I've also been battling my own inner demons. My depression has hit me like a bus, I had to give up drawing and writing (my two biggest passions) for a long time but am slowly trying to get back into them. I was losing confidence in myself, in my abilities, in everything. I was losing hope, losing my belief in myself. And for a while, I didn't see a reason to keep fighting it. So I let it win.

I sank. I've spent the better part of the last couple of months just aimless, not seeing the point in anything I do whether at work, at home, or creatively.

I literally cried at work a few weeks ago. Nothing triggered it, nothing happened. I just broke down into tears seemingly out of random. There have been many nights where I stayed awake in bed, crying as quietly as I could so as not to wake my wife.

I just...didn't know what to do. I still don't. But I'm trying to take things one day at a time. Maybe things are getting better, maybe I finally said "fuck it" and just stopped carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders so I could breathe. Whatever happened, I can take a full breathe now.

Today I've been in a tremendously amazing mood. My brain has been bouncing around with lots of new ideas for our book (Faces Of The Moon). And for the first time in a long time, I feel genuine excitement for the possibilities the future holds.

I don't know why I'm rambling all this here. I guess I just felt like opening up and sharing with you all.

@wolfchalk , I want to thank you for all you've done for me this year with everything I've been going through. You've been there to listen, to chat with, to get my creativity going again, to cheer me up, to believe in me. I can't thank you enough for being my best friend.

And to my wife (who most likely won't even see this), I want to say that I love you dearly. You are my world, my rock, my best and greatest friend. You have always been stronger than me and I couldn't have made it these last seven years without you pushing me to better myself.

To the rest of you reading this, thank you for the support and friendships you've given me while writing dumb stories about a panda and a tiger.

Speaking of those stories, I'm working on some for you all to see, if you want to that is. Chapter 16 of The Five Year Journey is well underway as well as a fic that IS completely finished but I may never post it because, well, sinner squad fans can probably figure it out. But still, ch 16 of t5yj is coming along.

Also be sure to keep an eye out for info about the book @wolfchalk and I are writing, Faces Of The Moon. After much delay because of personal issues, I'm determined to hit it hard and finally get the first draft done. Oh, and special thanks to @peaches2217 and @crackers-me for reading the first bits of the initial rough draft and giving us your valuable input to make it better.

Alright! We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

[aoimori]

03.08.2017 MERRY's Gara and sukekiyo's Kyo talk about the upcoming 3 band event organized by MERRY!

I literally just posted an excerpt from this but YOU KNOW WHAT. Here’s the whole thing! This is a REALLY entertaining interview so I had to translate it all! They discuss things such as: how they came up with such a weird event name, who came up with the strange merch, who Kyo wants to stab with a trick knife, what kinds of projects they want to do together in the future, and Gara’s never-ending admiration of Kyo 

 Enjoy!

MERRY's Gara and sukekiyo's Kyo talk about the upcoming 3 band event organized by MERRY!

“Blooming in March in stupidity, a hail of rusted scissors and martial law at the tricycle flower garden, please forgive me”, a three-band event organized by MERRY, will take place in March in Osaka, Nagoya, and Tokyo. Sukekiyo will perform at each show. In addition, Inugami Circus Dan will perform in Osaka and Metronome will perform in both Nagoya and Tokyo. Each band has their own very strong presence.

I was able to speak with Gara, the mastermind behind this event, and Kyo, who has played an important role in various ways in Gara’s life.

- The last time you two had an interview was six years ago. It was before sukekiyo started activities.

Gara: That's right. We had transferred to the same company as Kyo at that time and Kyo produced something for us. (T/N: MERRY's Beautiful Freaks album!)

- MERRY's journey hasn't been an easy one, has it?                

Gara: That's right.

Kyo: It was the worst recently, right? We talked about this a little while ago, but it seemed like you were doing shows every day. I was thinking, "what's the matter with you?”

Gara: Yes. This February was the hardest (wry laugh).

- Now you seem to have an immense urge to create. Are you feeling that kind of fighting spirit?

Gara: I'm focusing all of my efforts on working toward the 5/5 show at Hibiya Yaon.

-  Gara, what kind of feeling do you think Kyo projects through his performances with sukekiyo?

Gara: DIR EN GREY's theme is "pain", but I also feel the total opposite. There is rage and spite hidden within silence. I really feel that strongly. Personally, I like sukekiyo's outlook the best. I get really engrossed in the production and lighting, too.

- sukekiyo's shows have a sort of performing arts feel to them, don't they? There are probably some readers who don't know the connection between Gara and Kyo, but Gara once worked as a roadie for Kyo, right?

Gara: That's right. Almost immediately after I went to Tokyo. We met around then. About 20 years have already passed since then. Whenever I had a problem I'd consult with Kyo, he's very reassuring. He scolds me when I mess up and also tells me when I do something right.

- You can't really be described as having a student-teacher relationship, but you do have a relationship where you can talk about anything. This will be the fourth time MERRY and sukekiyo stand on the same stage. Do the fans also welcome this "sukemerry" combination?

Kyo: If I was a fan, I'd probably think "They work at the same office, don't they work together too much anyway?" Is the power of adults at work here? (T/N: I think he means like management making them work together since they’re in the same company?)

Gara: But if you look at the title of this event, none of that power is at work, is it? (laughs)

Kyo: I was asked by Gara "what should we do about a title?". I said, "Let's each take turns writing one word at a time”. And this was the result.

Gara: sukekiyo, Metronome, Inugami Circus Dan. They're nothing but bands with their own strong personalities, so I thought about what to name the event for a long time. With these bands I really wanted a suitable name so I asked Kyo, and this was his idea.

- So that's how it happened. It’s fun to imagine who chose which word. It's a really long title, so I was thinking that all of the elements in the title would somehow influence the show.

Gara: You're putting too much thought into it (Laughs). At first we didn't say who was performing and just announced the title. The fans all thought "What is this?" Since DIR EN GREY had their own schedules, the fans probably didn't think that sukekiyo would be participating, either.

Kyo: Since last year we've been saying that we want to perform together again.

Gara: This time I personally asked Kyo directly, "are you free in March?" It's an event MERRY is sponsoring, but I talked a lot with Kyo and the other sukekiyo members and it was fun, so I feel like the event is really fresh.

Kyo: And to be more specific, there’s the goods, right? We thought, "Let's make something that absolutely no one else would."

Gara: We started with the goods when Yuu asked, "What do we want to make?" But they ended up being ideas that made us constantly ask "Kyo, where did you get the idea for this?"

Kyo: I'm the type that is constantly full of ideas.

Gara: Even the stickers. If you buy a winning sticker, for some reason you'll win a Nero dakimakura.

Kyo: We had a discussion like "Wouldn't it be great if the prize was something like a dakimakura?" and then the conversation turned to "Let's make one of Nero!"

Gara: We didn’t tell Nero “we’re making these sorts of goods”. We just out of nowhere showed him the final product and said, “we’re releasing this dakimakura of you!” He was so pleased. I’m really glad that even planning the goods for this event was so fun.

- It sounds like you had more fun than the fans will (Laughs)

Gara: Yes. When Kyo told us that he wanted to sell a toy knife we were really surprised. It's one of those trick knives used in magic tricks that retracts. My immediate reaction was "Do we need this?" (Laughs)

Kyo: It doesn't matter whether or not we need it. It's about selling goods that no other band has sold before. It's that kind of festival-like event, so people will buy things while thinking "What... what the hell is this?" And it's good for stabbing your friends with, too.

Gara: That's right (laughs). In spite of you being so busy lately, you were so fast with this. I learned a lot about how you come up with such ideas.

Kyo: I hate sitting around and not accomplishing anything. I'm the type who wants to finish things quickly. Ideas for interesting things just come to me on their own.

Gara: That’s how Kyo is for production too, with both sukekiyo and DIR EN GREY, he’s constantly doing something. Even though we’re usually pretty close to each other, this is a process I didn’t know about before. So I feel like it was a good opportunity for me.

- Kyo, what do you think of MERRY in recent years?

Kyo: Recently, I've seen a lot of photos of Gara wearing the cap from school uniforms and thought, "So this is what their current shows are like." In February they had a huge number of shows, and a morning show, and shows only held if it rained, too. It honestly made me think "There's got to be something wrong with him"

- They keep having very rich and energetic shows. To go back to our previous topic, during the March event, will you do a collaboration together at the event in March?

Kyo: Well, I don't think we will this time, right?

Gara: To be honest, after tracking them down, I just want to enjoy sukekiyo, since their performances are so unique.  Even though I’d been singing for over 10 years and had never felt that nervous about it, when sukekiyo asked me to sing on stage with them before, I seriously felt like I'd throw up.

Kyo: Hahaha!

Gara: I thought, “this is how Kyo sings?” The pressure was definitely not small. Their performance is very delicate, and the music and melodies are seriously hard. This is our fourth time together, but I want to show him that both as Gara and as Merry, we’ve grown up. I have confidence now. In Osaka, Nagoya, and finally in Tokyo, I want it to be like a collision from the very beginning. This is our first time with Inugami Circus Dan, and our last time with Metronome was about 10 years ago. They're all bands with really strong personalities, so I'm looking forward to it.

- Kyo is releasing a new book, "Aum no ari" in April. It covers a wide range of expression. Gara, do you want to try making something like this too?

Gara: I've thought about it a lot. I've seen Kyo drawing, painting, and releasing poetry and photography books.

Kyo: You've released something too!

Gara: I have, but it's absolutely nowhere near being in the same level of cool as Kyo's. It's about collapsing from a herniated disc on stage.

Kyo: I think it's a good thing that you released something that fresh and direct.

Gara: When I said I was going to get surgery, Kyo was the one who told me "You should write something about this". When he produced for us before, he used to tell me, "Isn't it best to try doing other things too, not just the band?" Yuu drawn, Nero does photography. Kyo didn't just tell me this, he told the whole band, and it made all of us want to create more.

Kyo: If you take inspiration from things other than music and then bring it back to your own music, it feels fresher, and you can make things from different perspectives. I thought that if MERRY did this sort of thing, I thought their appeal would get even stronger, so I told them this constantly back then.

- I see. You should continuously do what you want in different ways. In June, sukekiyo is holding a hall performance at Tokyo International Forum, "rakkasuru getsumen". Its' title has a deep meaning, too.

Kyo: This show will have a different feeling than the others so far. We're still in the meeting stage, so I don't know how far it'll go, but I'm thinking of changing our way of expression to something a little newer.

Gara: Can audience members move a little at sukekiyo's current shows?

Kyo: There are some days like that.

Gara: What about the event in March?

Kyo: Well, it's an event. That doesn't mean that anything is okay, but it's no good if our fans move.

Gara: Will you say something?

Kyo: “Shut up!"

Gara: Hahah. So for example, if people who haven't seen sukeiyo before start shouting, then it'll be really bad...

Kyo: My fans will glare at them.

Gara: Hahaha! It’s a matter of reading the atmosphere, isn't it?

Kyo: Yes, yes. Sukekiyo fans have thought about "what does it mean to be a sukekiyo fan". If someone is moving around too much, they'll think "ah, this person doesn't know anything..."

-  I see (laughs)

Gara: When I sang "mama" at Akasaka BLITZ, 1,000 totally motionless people were looking at me. I'd never been stared at in complete silence like that before, it was really rough (wry laugh)

Kyo: MERRY and sukekiyo's fans have been to events together before, and they both know what kind of style we each have, so I think everyone gets along. I wonder what it'll be like with Inugami Circus Dan and Metronome's fans though. I wonder if they’ll all be kind.

Gara: I didn’t want to have the same atmosphere as usual events. I think it’s better to show each performer’s personality and intensity. Even though there are three bands, there will be plenty of time for each one. I want people to be able to understand the atmosphere and perspective of each band.

Kyo: Recently I already said it’s okay, but I want to play together again.

Gara: Right! We talked about doing a tour in places like cabarets, in clubs in rundown parts of the city.

Kyo: I want to try calling on Chinese and Korean visual kei bands, too.

Gara: Revivals of old bands would be good too, right?

Kyo: I wonder if they’d get back together if we asked? Like ●●●● or ×××× . (T/N: These were two censored band names)

Gara:  They have similar worldviews, don’t they. (Laughs) This time it'd be good if there were some performers, too.

Kyo: Being able to do things like that freely is MERRY and sukekiyo's strong point. They're bands of course, but it seems like anything could happen during their shows.

-  Outside of sukekiyo and MERRY's events, are there any other projects you want to do together?

Kyo: No, nothing like that.

Gara: Yes, by all means, I want to try something.

Kyo: Something like a split CD together would be interesting.

Gara: Yes. We're from the same company, soI think there are a lot of things we would be able to do.

Kyo: I said before that it sounds like we just do things together since we’re from the same company, but if we can overcome this obstacle by doing something together, no one will say anything about it anymore.

Gara: And that's the interview! I have a question though. What were you thinking of when you decided to make the knife?

Kyo: Stabbing Nero.

Gara: No, no no! (laughs). Is that the reason why everyone will buy it?

Kyo: Well, we didn't make that many, so it's pretty rare? The Sukemerry knife.

Gara: No, that's not right. It's the “oinochi okunhareya knife”! (laughs)

Kyo: Hahaha!

Gara: We decided on the names of all the goods together, too. "Let's add ‘okunnahareya’ to all their names" Huh? Are we really going to have “gum okunnahareya” too?

Kyo: Yeah. I wanted to make trick gum that will snap onto your finger. (T/N: I guess like a mousetrap sort of prank?)

Gara: When I asked Kyo "What should we sell?" he said "trick gum". It's not something that a good adult would buy. You just put your finger it in it and say “yaay!” It's over after the first time, probably (laughs)

Kyo: That's good though. Buy it just for that one moment.

- It seems like it'll be a festival before and after the show, too. (laughs) Since we have the chance to talk together, is there anything else you want to say to each other?

Gara: When I stand on stage I can't be defeated, but if I consider the path I should take and the attitude I should have as a vocalist, Kyo is the closest person who sings and also teaches by example. I hope it’s always like this. Someday I want him to tell me, “You’ve finally made it here”. As long as I’m in a band, this is a goal I’ll try to reach.

Kyo: Why are you being so serious?! (laughs). I want to produce a young band together with Gara. There's a lot of things that we can’t do as just the two of us. It'd probably be something REALLY weird. Don’t include our names!

Gara: I'd like it if this event was a chance for us to create something together. That's the feeling I have.

Kyo: It'd be nice if we included the young band we produce.

Gara: You're really looking forward to this, aren't you? After this event, I think we'll probably say "What should we do next time?" and come up with ideas together.

- Well, lastly, let's talk about your aspirations for this event.

Gara: The event is full of really strong bands, so I want to end the event by making people remember MERRY's name. I just want the other band's fans to see what MERRY can show or express. If the event ends with people just thinking "that was fun!" then the event has no meaning.

- What do you think, Kyo?

Kyo: I'm just here because of MERRY. I'll enter the venue as usual, and go eat ramen after the show.

Gara: You say that, but since it's you, Kyo, I don't know what you're actually going to do! I'm nervous that something is going to happen.

Kyo: MERRY is the one who gave me this freedom!

Gara: Scary... (laughs) This event that I put together myself is putting pressure on me, but I'll do my best.

Original interview: http://top.tsite.jp/news/j-rock/i/34725685/