#i literally cant formulate thoughts into words i.

[lacunazai]

hngghg...g.. osamu dazai....gg.nnhh. .. mnffg..

[hannieehaee]

18+ / mdi

content: f2l!jun, jealous!jun, a lil bit of possessiveness, he's in love with u, afab reader, smut, penetrative sex, semi-public sex, etc.

wc: 1994

a/n: i love writing jun he's so ... he's so jun

masterlist

jun was an idiot.

okay, maybe that was too harsh.

no, actually that was pretty much correct.

because if he wasnt an idiot he wouldnt be standing here right now, watching as the pretty bartender flirted with you.

had he acted on his feelings earlier (or literally ever), he wouldnt have to watch as the bartender gave you free drink after free drink, clearly slipping you his number on a napkin. what did he have that jun didnt? balls? yeah, maybe. but it wasnt fair! jun was your best friend, it's not like he could just give you his number and call it a day. you already had his number! that, and he needed to go through the whole 'sorry, i know we're just friends, but id like to submit an application for the promotion to boyfriend now.' he already had a whole thing going with you; a very platonic thing.

so now all he could do was sit there and watch. watch you in your pretty dress, hugging your body in the most delicious of ways, as the bartender looked you up and down, almost as if he was planning the easiest way to eat you right there and then. jun needed to stop this. you didnt seem uncomfortable or even phased by it, just showing plain disinterest, so he really had no valid reason to storm over there and drag you away. which is why he wasnt sure why he did just that.

you knew jun as a bit of a weird guy. someone who just did things without much thought in mind. so it didn't surprise jun when you didnt question him upon marching up to you, churning out an excuse of 'we need to go to the bathroom!' before pulling you away from the bartender's vicinity.

to be fair, he did take you to the bathroom. he quite literally took over the bathroom, walking you in and locking the door behind him, not allowing any other person to enter. it was an exaggerated yet ominous act. once he calmed himself down a bit, he turned back to you as you looked at him with wide eyes, head turned slightly to the side, clearly confused at his actions. okay, yeah, this was weird. even for jun standards.

"what was that?" you asked, wondering why he was being extra dramatic than usual.

"uhh .. that? just, i .. i didnt- i didnt like the way he was looking at you .." jun was never good at thinking on his feet. he needed time to formulate answers and think. and even then, he would sometimes stumble over his words, just like now.

"what? he just gave me his number. it's not like-"

"no! you should- you should throw it away. uh, please?"

"why would i do that? he was cute, i was thinking of hitting him up an-"

"NO!," his words interrupted you again, leaving his mouth before he could think.

"jun, what's wrong with you today ..?"

"listen, i ... i- it's just .."

"jun! what is it??" you were clearly growing more and more confused by the second. jun needed to salvage the situation. except, in true jun fashion, he did the opposite of what he intended.

"i like you, okay?," he gulped loudly before continuing, "i dont want a stupid bartender giving you his number. i dont want to see guys staring at you at the gym. i dont want jeonghan flirting with you. it's- it's all driving me crazy. i know i shouldve told you, okay? i know. i'm too late, i know. i shouldve asked you from the day we met. but you were so ... and- and i panicked! i love being your best friend, i do. but- but i just like you so much. i like you and i dont know what to do. i-"

"jun."

"no, listen! i get it. we're best friends and we've been best friends forever, and i know you don't see me that way, but-"

"jun!"

"-but watching you get attention from all these guys is just making me so- it's driving me insane. i cant stand the thought of you with someone else anymore. i know you havent really dated since we met, but even the thought makes me-"

"wen junhui! shut up!!"

he finally slammed his mouth shut at this, finally allowing your interruption to get through to him. he was now paying full attention to you. you were closer than he remembered before he started senselessly ranting at you. you were right in front of him, actually, staring up at him with eyes he had never seen before.

you grabbed his arms, limp at his sides, and wrapped them around your waist, now pressing the two of you almost chest to chest. he didn't know where this was going, but he'd allow you to do whatever you wanted as long as it meant it was him you were looking at and no one else.

"junnie ... you're such a fucking idiot."

okay. he already knew that.

"i like you too."

wait, what?

he gaped at you, "what?"

very smooth.

"you're so fucking stupid. you couldve just told me you liked me," despite your insults, you now had your arms wrapped around the back of his neck, almost pulling him down to you. it had his heart beating like crazy as he kept his own arms wrapped around you.

"i- you liked me?!"

"yes, you idiot! why do you think i havent dated anyone since we met?"

"i thought maybe you just didnt have any game, i dont know!"

"jun!"

"shit. sorry, i meant- hmph!"

your attack on him had been too quick for him to even process. without having realized, you had pulled him down the rest of the way, quite literally launching an attack on his lips with your own. for a few seconds he just stood there, eyes wide in surprise as he let you kiss him with no reciprocation. he was too shocked to respond, despite how badly he wanted to. it went like this until you pulled away, probably thinking this wasnt what he wanted.

he panicked once again, immediately pulling you back to his lips, backing you up against the nearest wall. that's when he really started to perform to his full potential. he pulled all stops, feeling nothing but pure bliss at finally feeling your lips against his. he licked frantically into your mouth, running his hands up and down every inch of your body, sighing at every moan that escaped your mouth and entered his.

he felt like he was on cloud nine, with you so pliant against his hold. suddenly an animalistic sense deep within him started to come out. every soft sigh you released against him, and every shudder of your body had his resolve breaking. he had to hold back from picking you up and pounding you into the wall. whatever it was that was taking over him, he had never felt before. there was a cloud in his mind giving him sinister thoughts; thoughts of you crying as he pistoned into you, letting all his desires finally release after the years-long wait for you to land in his arms.

"w-want you so fucking bad. please ...l he opted for communicating his desires, wanting nothing more than for you to reciprocate his insane want for you.

your response was found in you licking into his open mouth as he spoke, whispering at him to do whatever he wanted to you, claiming you had waited far too long to feel him. revealing that you thought of him every night and that your resolve had broken long ago.

his eyes rolled back at your lust, knowing his matched by a tenfold. he made quick work of your dress, pulling it up to uncover your crotch while pulling his own pants down just enough for him to begin rubbing his length against the thin cloth of your panties. he wanted your nude body so badly, but he knew it wasnt the time nor place. he'd save that vision for another day (most likely an hour or so, maybe after making you scream his name in the pub's bathroom).

"junnie ... please just-fuck! just fuck me," he understood your rush, already growing drunk on the feeling of his cock rubbing against your delicious cunt. god, that was yet another thing he needed to save for later; your thighs suffocating his head as he licked every drop of arousal out of you.

no. he needed to concentrate. he needed to get his cock wet and warmed up by your pretty cunt. and that's exactly what he did next, moaning out at the feeling of you enveloping him almost as if he'd belonged there all along.

"that's ... shit, that's such a pretty cunt, baby. fuck ..."

"wanted this cunt for so long, shit, fuck. it's so fucking good."

"all mine now ... no one else can have it .."

"fuck, gonna take you home and keep you locked in my room. go-gonna fuck you every day to make up for lost time, shit."

he couldn't help the candid words leaving his mouth. his mind kept screaming at him to show you how fucking badly he wanted you. there was nothing more perfect than the feeling of your body against his, all while your mewls of pleasure filled his ears. the thought of taking you home and keeping you in his arms forever made him feel like he was in nirvana. it almost overpowered the actual feeling of nirvana your cunt was giving him as you strangled his cock between your walls.

god, your cunt. he always knew you'd feel like heaven, but nothing couldve prepared him for this. no longer did he ever have to worry about the platonic wall that had been placed between him and your beautiful body (and mind and soul and everything else). now he had you all to himself, and he'd never let another man even imagine being in his current position.

"junnie ... need to cum. please. y-you're so fucking big. fuck!"

he needed to hear more of you. needed you to cry about his big cock bruising your cervix. so, he did what any reasonable person would and began pistoning in and out of you at a savage pace, feeding on the cries of pleasure leaving your lips.

"th-right there! fuck! junnie, please ... do-don't stop. gonna cum. g-gonna- shit ..."

not a single sentence could leave your body anymore as jun finally triggered your impending orgasm, with your own end dragging his out of him almost immediately.

the two of you breathed heavily against each other, hands unable to separate from the other's body for even a second. it felt comfortable; right. it was as if you'd done this together before. he felt like this was what he was supposed to be doing all along.

"do you really like me back?"

"jun, you idiot. yes! i wouldnt have let you fuck me in a dirty pub bathroom if i didnt like you."

"ah. hah, just making sure," he wasnt too sure where the horny monster inside of him had gone, now going back to his slightly awkward demeanor.

"now ... are you gonna make good on your promise?"

"huh?"

"gonna take me home and keep me locked up in your room?"

oh. you were flirting with him. your hands were rubbing at the back of his ear, making him swoon at your delicate touch. fuck, you were good at this. one word from you and he was putty in your hands. but it was fine. he liked it that way.

"y-yes."

"then take me home, baby. show me what you've been wanting to do to me all this time"

jun made a mental note to thank the bartender on his way out for making him jealous enough to act on his feelings as you dragged him away, clearly just as eager to get on his bed.

thank fucking god for that stupid bartender.

[fishayfishay]

I want to get my issues fixed, but not all of them at once ffs 😭

went to the therapist to see if I have ADHD and/or similar issues...... he wants me to get a job..... like, sir..... I came here to get my weird lil noggin checked......

[arolegos]

GUYS WHAT THE FUCK I JUST FINISHED S2 PT 2 IM GOING CRAZY WTF??? EXPECT SOOO MUCH GODDAMN ART FROM ME ITS SO GOOD BYE... spoilers below the cut cause i have specific thoughts

GEO AND COLE ARE SO CUTEEE AHHH THE WAY THEY WENT ON A LITTTLE TOUR DATE TOGETHER I LITERALLY JUMPED UP AND DOWN AND KILLED MYSELF

also DAMN that build up to arins betrayal was GOOD. i really like the fact that arin didn't immediately believe ras outright and even now he clearly doesn't think he's a good guy he just wants to see his parents and he believes ras is the only way to do that. like IDK i just like that he wasn't immediately like 'ugh fuck those ninjas!' LIKE I LIKE HOW IT KEPT TRUE TO HIS CURIOUS CHARACTER and while he believed parts of it he took the time to investigate on his own before just accepting word as truth. his falling out with sora HURTTTT

AND DAMN (2) NOKT WAS CRAZY THAT BATTLE SEQUENCE WAS GORGEOUS I WAS ABSOLUTELY ENTHRALLED . ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO WATCH THIS FROM 2 - 6 (ALMOST 7 NOW) AM (don't ask why it took so long to finish. i kept replaying scenes over and over and it took me like 30 mins to calm myself down enough to watch it properly) . CAUSE I KEPT ON TRYING TO NOT SCREAM FROM JOY AND WHIMSY

every single scene with lloyd was so ughhh just i really really like how its emphasized that he's not perfect and he can still do stupid shit but he's learning too because its his first time living . and i REALLY like the mentorship bond w him and sora GDODDDD

AND KAIS RETURN!?!??!?! AHHH SMITH JIANG SIBLINGS LETS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was cheering so loud i almost killed myself STOP IT

lloyd falling into a coma damn near sent ME into a coma cause i thought. he died. CAUSE IM REALLY COUNTING ON HIM TO DIE. and like lowkey i want him to (saying this as a HUGE lloyd fan) BUT I DIDNT WANT HIM TO GO LIKE THAT SO I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN HE RETURNED AND JUST A LITTLE UPSET HE DIDNT GET TO GO BATSHIT CRAZY BUT... THATS OKAY

and jaya :( NOAUAUARRRR NYA GET YOUR MAN BACK NEOWWWW THAT ENDING SCENE WHERE KAI WAS LIKE we'll find him together and beat his ass YESSSHEHSHDHDSDSUHRASUHEDJDSAIHEAISH I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT JAY COME BACK HOME PLEASE YOUR SEAT IS SO COLD. ALSO WHERE IS PIXAL.

I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS BUT I CANT FORMULATE A SINGLE ONE.

FORBIDDEN 5 LORE WENT CRAZY. RAS LORE WENT CRAZY. EVERYONES LORE WENT CRAZY.

RAS YOU ARE SO AWESOME SAUCE.

CINDER JAILED ERA. I LOVE HIM.

JORDANA COME BACK PLEASEEERR SORA WANTS TO RECREATE ENEMIES TO LOVERS YURI WITH YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

ALSO. wyldfyre and roby are cute omg theyre so silly... loserboy x losergirl real.

OK ill stfu now. JUST TO BE CLEAR i will STILL be watching it when it comes out on Netflix. of course i will. i just could not hold back im sorry im weak to leaks im a fraud BUT ILL STILL WATCH THE NETFLIX VER!!! i usually use netflix for rewatches!!!!

[nyan-koii]

I have a confession .. I’ve been obsessing over Seb’s body so much 😭😭 specifically these shots are so..

My reviews of the pics :3

1. first of all the shirt - too big and almost down to his elbows. It is like pressed against his stomach so it’s FLAT and legs and arms are soo tiny 😭😭 like little pookie get off that football field y need to be in bed w mark and Jense rn

2. .. no words honestly he’s just so tiny and manhandable. Like I can just imagine Seb just being moved around by the mechanics, being in the way unknowingly and they just wrap their hands around his entire upper arm and picks him up and moves him idk. Like the mechanics groping him and like just touching him makes my brain go brrr. Also anyone on the 2010 grid with big hands like Fernando, Robert, ofc mark and Jenson just like moving him around and finding out just how tiny he is and UGHHH

3. IH MY GODDDD his arms are soo fucking tiny compared to Mark’s and I can’t like formulate words.. like it’s half the size of his. Idc if it’s the angle or not that man is a TWINK and he needs to be fucked and grabbed and chocked and-

Also just imagine someone covering Seb’s ENTIRE body part with their HAND. Like .. he would malfunction and cum in his pants. Probably like whimper and just like die on the spot or something

Td;lr

Rbr seb is tiny and needs to be fucked until he can’t speak

(I can’t believe I’m sending this unanon but :,) ye)

HIIIII TRASHTEENKIDD (idk what to call you lmaoo 😭)

THE PHOTOSSS OMGGG THOSE PHOTOSS !!! I ONLY SEEN THE SEBMARK ONES BUT THE OTHER TWO OMFG,,, I MOANEDDDD

1. YESS !!! look at the size of the shirt its not made for his size or is he into larger shirt that can cover his body because well um 😏 you know why, he likes the feeling of being small??? Mhmmm the way the shirt covers his butt too AND YESS his tiny legs and armss seb youre not supposed to be there indeed ! Get your ass on the bed now !! Also i love how red his ears are ngl. I think most of the time its always red which make me think if its like that on the other parts too 🤭 imagine him all flushed up and redd oooooo what a sight actually i need him...

2. AURGGHG PLEASE YOUR WORDS IM HAVING BRAIN DISEASE OVER IT. EXTREME HEADACHEEEE i always like the idea of the crew gangbanging on seb especially during his torro rosso eraa !! The boy is so so petite you can carry him everywhere and its as light as a feather ! Want him to be handled like a ragdoll every single second. Also the fact that he arrives at the grid first and is the one who usually leaves the last because he wants to hang around and 'learn' more from the crew.... doesnt that make you think thoughts???? Because i sure as hell do ! Insane honestly, GET HIS ASS RESTRICTED HES GOING TO GET PREGNANT GUYSS

like look at these 😭😭😭😭 HES SOO EASY TO BE PICKED AROUND !!! The mechanics would definitely also manipulate him during sebs str era im insane i need to be put at a hospital.... i want more gangbang seb fics...

And yes definitely 🤭🤭 the 2010s grid is using seb as a free cumdump as repayment for letting him win the wdc hehehheheheheh seb you're completely tangled yourselves with evil men, get out of thereee (dont)

3.

HE ISS TINYYYYYYYYYYY HES SOO OMFGGG YOU CANT SEPARATE TINY AND SEB NO NU UH THEY LITERALLY CAME IN PAIR EVEN IF ITS AM SEB !!! THATS A TWINK

Sebs amazing for putting up a brave attitude around mark like if they got in a fight, mark would definitely beat him to a pulp but seb knows mark cant do ANYTHING to him, knows that seb has more power than him and in some cases marks just too tired to reciprocate his energy. Sebs taking marks kindness and manipulating it to his own likings for example mark fucking and releasing his anger on seb because he hates the german boy so much but its actually what seb wants, to be used and to see mark crumble in front of seb aauuurghhhh, hes a twink but hes an EVIL twink.

Also... look at michael's thigh.... its the same size as sebs waist..... im completely normal about this

Sebs definitely sensitive to touches too mhmmm !! Sensitive and desperate to be touched at all time its embarassing because he cant live without receiving physical touches from his boyfriends. During day, he finds comfort in their hand but at night, its the only thing he prays about while they continue to bring him close to heaven.

Yesss rbr seb, seb in general, deserves to be fucked until he cant think straight anymore. Much like those anime hentais, i want seb to be fucked until theres love in his eyes and hes all drooling in pleasure 🥰 my love language actually.

And dont pressure yourself ! I admire your bravery reallyy for not anon-ing yourselff. Its good to see who im talking to and that i know you guys are comfortable to share these thoughts with me 🙏 keep em coming guyss !! This is a safe place for everyone <3

[domjaehyun]

omg i was notttt prepared for smut in the first quarter and yet we're spiTTINGGG????? haechan u freak (me too i guess)

tbim making me feel so many things likeee it's all such a mess (which i love does that make me a masochist idk) and i feel so bad for every fucking character like yn is confused and haechan is a dick (in every sense) and winter is pretty self explanatory and then there's jeno who got dragged into it poor boy. and all of their friends myyyy god if i was one of them i would be torrrnn any decision they decide make regarding yn and hyuck it's like basically picking sides and i would feel so fucking bad if i had to

and i just want to add a tier of my fav your work of yours and idc if udc

1.pussy fiend (been here since it came out literally never leaving)

2.tangerine love (weirdly a very comforting fic likeeee what's wrong with meeee)

3.the boy is mine (new entry might even rank up based on the ending have so much hope for this one)

and i wanted the patreon contents sooooo bad but i live on the other side of the world and when the currency is converted its craaaazyyy im so sorry ill just have to imagine shit myself and support u morally ig if i am any help

OMG HEHEHE HI HI

yeah we’re spitting IN MY DEFENSE THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE LONG FIC I DIDNT MEAN TO COME OUT THE GATE SWINGING WITH SPITTING IN THE FIRST SCENE OF PART 5 😭 yeah me too that’s hot hehe

I’M SO HAPPY YOU SAID THAT that means im doing something right :D I DONT THINK IT MAKES YOU A MASOCHIST it makes you human. it makes you curious. feeling emotions is what makes life worth living (and hopefully the good emotions are powerful enough to make you stick through the bad ones) so wanting to read complex situations with a myriad of emotions makes total sense! it’s more realistic than, like, i am…… bc ideally i would never have angst ever ever ever only happy thoughts at all times :D and yeah they’re all going through it EVEN HAECHAN GIVE HIM A BIT OF GRACE!!!!

OF COURSE I CARE I LOVE KNOWING WHAT PEOPLE LOVED MOST OUT OF MY WORKS !!!!! now im going down 1 by 1:

1. pussy fiend — this is fair i love pussy fiend it’s perfect perverted lovesick haechan like what is wrong with that boy and can he date me

2. TANGERINE LOVE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME I ADORE IT HE’S SO . FJKGLDSJKGFJKLDKJ I CANT EVEN FORMULATE WORDS something abt that specific haechan is so dreamy. its one of the first times i considered like . him just knowing she likes him from the get go like in pussy fiend he figures it out at the end but in tangerine love he can tell like from the beginning and theres no playing around with her emotions, he’s just very earnest while still being hot and flirtatious and playful and i love that so much

3. HEHEHE well i hope it ranks up but i would understand if it stayed in the same place bc i am not sure how you want the ending to go,,,,, but i hope it goes the way you wanted!!!!!!!!! :D

AND i was thinking about this earlier but if you wanted to like . paypal/venmo/cashapp me the $6, i could share the tbim patreon content with you!!! like if you can’t do a monthly subscription i totally get it bc we’ve all got stuff going on !!!! i’ve already done it for one person and i wouldn’t mind doing it again!! if you’re interested u could come off anon and i could work something out w you? up to you though no pressure 💖 THANK YOU SO MUCH DARLING THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY have a great day ily 🫂

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

BLORBO BINGO. GIMME MERYL!!! also cwilbur my meow meow. AND if u would like….. perhaps a patton sanders….. for fun :33

ohhhhh my god dude. oh my god. i dont talk about her as much bc its hard to formulate my thoughts about her into comprehansible sentences but oh my god meryl. ohhhh my god meryl. i hare hate hate hate how the fandom treats her. she is not the "competent braincell" she is just as stupid and insane and complex as the rest of them she just has a better professional appearance. meryl in trimax makes me insane. can we talk about her trauma more. pleasepleaseplease. i would love to do a meryl character study one day. shes so complex shes so . oaugh. see its so hard for me to put my thoughts abt her into words but just know i have SO MANY

i cannot start talking abt cwilbur because this post WILL be like 20000 miles long but hes one of those characters that i think will always stick with me for the rest of my life. hes so fucking important 2 me and the fandom treats him so dirty. ive literally started blocking people who tag my old dsmp art with "vilbur" like shut the fuck up you fool you have fallen for the facade that this character makes up for himself or however that one post goes. fundamentally if a person thinks cwilbur is evil we cannot ever be friends because they dont GET IT. hes so heart player coded im the world biggest cwilbur kinnie etc etc etc. im the cwilbur guy. in my dsmp fandom height i was making posts about him like every 10 minutes. i think abt him so much. dont even fucking get me started on ghostbur.

PATTON I DO NOT HAVE AS MANY EMOTIONS ABOUT AS THE OTHER TWO mostly because i have not rlly delved into ss fandom stuff. from what i have seen tho i hate hate hate hate that people either woobify him or completely villify him . (which . ironically is also a problem with cwilbur) i feel like if i got more intensely into sanders sides he would be the character where i would want to take him out of canon and put him in my pocket like "you cant hurt him hes mine now"

[sp1resong]

ok wonderful (ignore that it took me 11hours to respond)

Why I think the Hollow Knight from hit indie game Hollow Knight has OCD

Short answer:

they're just like me fr

Long answer:

gh ok so this isn’t going to be like . remotely coherent but

right. so . i see a lot of people read them as autistic which i 100% fully agree with they are full of the tism but i dont think ive seen anyone but me hc them with ocd which is? a shame??

a lot of their . stuff i relate to pretty heavily--obviously it's not 1:1 but like . fucked up allegorical recognition of the self in the other yannow

it's the . the spiral. the thinking a thought and not being able to unthink it, the being unable to stop thinking. like . 'think a thought you don't want to think -> try to stop thinking the thought -> obsess over not thinking the thought -> in doing so, obsess over the thought and continue to think it -> spiralling'

although ofc they were designed specifically not to think, so it'd be slightly different--like. yknow. More. once again. allegorical way

anyways  . i too have been Tarnished By An Idea Instilled! it's called having a fucked up intrusive thought and obsessing over it for two weeks straight <3

in other news wordpad fucking sucks whtat the hell . thats unrelated to the post im just writing it in this shitass app because word autocorrect is like a nemesis to me

ANYWAYS UHM . i cant even formulate this but

Right . right.

trying not to think is something i am very familiar with. while in my case it's trying not to think specific thoughts and in theirs, of course, it is trying not to think at all, the fundamentals are still there.

their scrapped dream nail dialogue (do not think, do not speak, do not hope) also fits within this analysis. within this analysis, that--repeating certain ideas to themself, so as to ingrain them in their mind, so as to try and hold off the unwanted thoughts--is a compulsion; something done to try and make the intrusive thoughts (or, in their case, all thoughts) stop. i, myself, have done similar, although i more often tend to try to reason my thoughts away instead (it doesn't work <3).

"Oh, but Mordred!" you might cry, "Is this not implying that the Hollow Knight's thoughts (normal thoughts, which they ought to accept) and intrusive thoughts (designed specifically to make you upset; best left ignored) are the same thing? Is that not... problematic?"

To which I say, wow, bad faith reading alert, and tap the sign ("IT'S NOT 1:1 OR LITERAL, I JUST HAPPEN TO RELATE TO THEIR ISSUES, AND IT'S NOT REALLY THE NATURE OF THE THOUGHTS THAT'S IMPORTANT HERE; BUT THE FEELINGS/REACTIONS/ETC")

okay i just had to get that bit out because . yknow the fears (people misinterpreting my post)

anyways . man. i dont think ive explained this well enough but alas </3 tis simply the way of things (many thoughts that i am incapable of putting into words)

in summary;

The Hollow Knight 🤝 Me "WHY IS IT ALWAYS THINKING"

thank you for coming to my ted talk

do you all want my essay (incoherent rambling) about why my favorite character has the same disorders as me

[atlabeth]

everything happens for a reason part 11 - zuko x fem!reader

Memories, where'd you go?

part 10 | masterlist | part 12

a/n: alternative name for this fic: y/n gets a crush on every pretty girl she meets. yue, katara, and now suki. she can't help it (and she questions why they're all connected to sokka in some way lmaoo)

anyways, this is kind of filler but it establishes some more with relationships and finallyyy gets us into ba sing se at the end. i know it's a lil annoying because there's a lot of episode-to-text writing, but i promise it'll get more freeform as it goes on

also i know that i just posted something yesterday but i have literally zero patience. like i cant hold chapters i have to post them as soon as i write them loll

wc: 5.3k

warning(s): some feels over zuko as per usual, but overall a pretty tame chapter

chapter title comes from memories by panic! at the disco!

Zuko could barely sleep anymore.

He didn’t know when his life became so complicated, but he wasn’t a fan of it.

Back when it was just him, his crew, and the open sea — it was simple. He had a job, a straightforward mission. Find the Avatar, capture him, return home to the Fire Nation and regain his honor.

Now, the waters were more muddied than ever. Now on the run from the Fire Nation just like the boy he was chasing, all he really felt nowadays was anger.

Angry at the world for setting him on this path, angry at the Avatar for refusing to see what was necessary, his sister and her friends for turning against him, angry at the waterbender for making things so damn hard.

He didn’t want to hurt her. A part of him wished that she had never come back into his life, if it meant he wouldn’t have to constantly be fighting against her. He hated himself for the thought, but maybe it would have been easier for her to remain a memory of a lover than his active enemy.

Late at night, when he was reaching fruitlessly for sleep that would never come, he saw her face. The carefree energy from their childhood morphed into the shock and disappointment from both the North and their fight with Azula, and…

It made him wonder what in Agni had happened to them.

He—

He didn’t know. The way he felt about her, it was different than anything he had experienced before. Zuko didn’t know what it was, but he understood that it was special. And now… it felt like he had just thrown it all away.

Zuko couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened with her in that town — what he had done to her.

He had burned her to try and get to the Avatar, and he hadn’t even allowed a glance back at the damage he had done. He had heard her cry out in pain, pain he had caused, and he didn’t even look back.

What had happened to them? What had happened to him?

He kept telling himself that the mission was the only thing that mattered. And it was, wasn’t it? Capture the Avatar, regain his honor, get his old life back and finally be enough for his father. He didn’t have time for friends, or for these feelings he had, or— or for anything but capturing the Avatar. Because the Avatar was the key to everything, to his honor, and that was all that mattered.

But now…

Now, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He didn’t know what was right, or what was wrong, or what path was the one he had to take.

Zuko just wished things could be like they used to be.

~~~~~~~~~~

She didn’t really know when everything had become a mess again.

It all started out fine, like it usually did. Toph had become fully integrated into the group, any past squabbles put to rest in the name of a stronger friendship emerging between all five of them. Katara continued to work on Aang’s waterbending (oftentimes Y/N joining them in their sessions) while Toph slowly but steadily beat earthbending into him — literally.

They had all been working hard for so long that, by decree of Aang, it was ‘vacation time’. They would all get to pick out places they wanted to spend as a break, and after it was over they would get back to work.

Aang had chosen some sort of field with musical groundhogs, and Y/N had opted to revisit an Earth Kingdom village that she had passed through on her journey to the North. Sokka had complained the whole time about how they were ‘wasting valuable planning time’, but had finally conceded after the promise of ‘all the planning his heart could desire’ from Katara after their mini-vacations were over.

Y/N was actually feeling somewhat relaxed for once, but she had forgotten the golden rule — never let your guard down. Everytime she let her guard down, something bad happened without fail. So it shouldn’t have been any surprise with what happened in the desert.

Because after one trip to the Misty Palms Oasis and a journey into the desert with a professor to a long lost library, Appa had been taken by desert raiders.

It was… less than favourable. During their escape from the library, Professor Zei had insisted on staying behind, and now the five of them were stuck in the middle of the desert with no way out and zero guidance. Add some brewing tensions between Aang and Toph because of her being there when Appa was taken, and they had a recipe for a huge disaster.

And a disaster they had. Multiple disasters, actually.

There was only so much she and Katara could do to hold the group together, but by some miracle, they made it out of the desert with only one Avatar State mishap.

(And an incident with cactus juice, but… she didn’t really want to talk about that.)

....at least they had the information about the Eclipse. That was about the only thing keeping her together at the moment.

They had to get the information to the Earth King so they could formulate an attack with his warriors, but without Appa, they had to resort to more traditional methods of travel. Add in one passport problem, and that was how Y/N found herself braving the Serpent’s Pass alongside a refugee family with a baby on the way.

It was… intimidating, to say the least. Despite being surrounded by her element, Y/N didn’t feel any safer from the challenge that faced them. She took a deep breath, trying to tamp down on her fear the way her mother had taught her, as she followed the group, but her thoughts were soon interrupted.

“Hey.” She turned to see who the voice belonged to and was greeted by the girl that had teased Sokka early — Suki, if she remembered correctly. “I haven’t seen you around; are you with the Avatar or that family?”

“I’m with Aang,” Y/N explained. “I’m from the North, and they offered me a spot with them after they helped us defend our tribe against the Fire Nation. I’ve been with them ever since.” Suki nodded as they settled into a comfortable stride.

“That’s cool. Are you a waterbender?”

She gestured to her waterskin and smiled. “Yeah. I’ve been training with Aang and Katara ever since I left.” Y/N then turned her gaze back to Suki, raising an inquisitive brow. “Your makeup — what’s it for? I heard you talking about the Kyoshi Warriors back there; is that some kind of thing with Avatar Kyoshi?”

Suki grinned, her every expression heightened by the sharp reds and blacks above her eyes. “We’re a group of all-female warriors that use the teachings of Avatar Kyoshi and her partner Rangi to defend our home and the place she founded, Kyoshi Island. I’m the leader of our village section.”

“Wow,” she murmured, her eyes falling to the ground for a moment before finding their way back up to the warrior. “That’s really cool. You’re really cool.”

She laughed and shrugged. “Thanks. I’ve been training as a warrior for almost my whole life, so it just comes naturally. I like being able to protect people, and there’s no better way to pay back my home for all it’s done for me like protecting the whole village.”

“Wow,” she repeated with a small laugh of her own. “That’s really brave. I gotta say, I’m kinda jealous — I would love to see what would happen if Master Pakku met you all. Katara literally had to beat the sexism out of him in order to train to be a master.”

Suki chuckled. “Sounds like what I had to do with Sokka. Guess it’s a thing with Water Tribe guys, huh?”

At the mention of Sokka, she internally laughed. There had to be some kind of connection between the two of them, the way their interests kept aligning. “Sokka… he’s had it hard. I can’t blame him that much for any kind of attitude he had before he met you. Pakku, on the other hand? He had to have had something better to do than fight teenage girls.”

“You would think so, right?” Suki agreed. “And Sokka… I know. He’s got a heart of gold underneath all that, he just needed a little push to get it out.” As Y/N glanced over at the girl, noticing a slight pink tint under the white makeup, she gasped.

“La���s fins, are you two a thing?” she exclaimed with a grin.

Suki flushed even harder as she suddenly became very interested in the ocean around her, but she couldn’t help the smile on her lips. “No! I mean— yes— but… but—” she stopped to gather her thoughts before making eye contact again with a sheepish smile. “We’re not… really a thing, but… I do like him a lot. I didn’t really think I was going to see him again after they left the island, so this is really nice.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” Y/N asked. “I can already tell that he cares about you — have you seen how careful he’s being with you?”

“Well—” Whatever kind of excuse Suki would’ve made up was interrupted by a rock falling out just under Than, one of the refugees they were with, saved in the nick of time with Toph’s earthbending.

“I’m okay!” he reassured, but no sooner had the words left his mouth before the Fire Nation ship in the distance started firing.

“They’ve spotted us!” Sokka yelled. “Let’s go, let’s go!”

Aang flicked his glider open and deflected the blast, and Katara grabbed Y/N’s hand as they all began to run. Another blast rocked the mountain, causing several boulders to fall just above Suki. Y/N didn’t even have time to shout out a warning before Sokka tackled her out of the way, but it was ultimately more of Toph’s quick earthbending that saved him.

“Suki, are you okay?” Sokka brushed dust and pebbles off of her uniform as he examined her, and once he was satisfied he grabbed her hand and helped her up. “You have to be more careful! Come on!”

As the two of them caught up to Y/N and Katara, she gave Suki a knowing look. The warrior only blushed once again and glanced away.

After hours of navigating the pass, they were only about halfway through. Sokka made the executive decision to set up camp for the night to give everyone time to rest, and then they would get up at the crack of dawn to finish their trip. It only took a few minutes for Y/N to get a fire going, and soon everyone had settled in with their sleeping bags. Sokka got up from his spot as Suki wandered closer to the edge, and Katara nudged Y/N with her shoulder.

“Hey. How are your hands doing?”

“They’re fine,” she answered with a small smile, flipping her hands over as proof. Where there were once red burn scars on her palms only tiny white marks remained — one benefit to healing via waterbending was that most injuries were able to fade away completely after enough sessions. Her burns weren’t very serious and she was able to heal them almost immediately, so both her and Katara were sure that the marks would be completely gone soon.

The mental scars wouldn’t fade as easily.

“That’s good. And you’re taking care of them, right? Like, you’re not beating up people while we’re not looking?”

Y/N grinned. “No. I think I’ll leave that to Toph.”

Katara chuckled and nodded, turning her hands over in a final examination before nodding. “Good,” she repeated. The silence between them, although comfortable, stretched out for a little too long before she spoke again, this time much quieter. “He did this to you.”

“Katara…”

“I know,” she said. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this from me, or really at all, but… I’m worried about you. Zuko isn’t good for you. Every time we’ve run into him, he’s hurt you. And you deserve so much more than that.”

“You don’t understand,” she countered. “You don’t know Zuko like I do. You weren’t there when I was. I know you think I’m insane for still believing in him, but I— I can’t let go of him, Katara. I know the Zuko I love is still in there somewhere, and I have to try and find it. For me and for him.”

Katara’s eyes were full of nothing but sympathy as she sighed — it was obvious she didn’t believe her words, but in true fashion she was still trying her best to be supportive.

“Okay. I don’t understand it, but… I don’t think I can change your mind.” Y/N chuckled sadly and nodded, Katara’s piercing gaze meeting her own once more. “It’s just… Why are you playing with fire when you know you’re going to get burned?”

And for once, Y/N didn’t have an answer for her friend.

~~~~~~~~~

The night went by quickly, which Y/N was thankful for. It meant that the nightmares didn’t last as long.

After a quick headcount to make sure no one had fallen off the pass overnight and an even quicker gathering of their things, they set off to finish their journey.

It went just as well as she had expected — a giant serpent, the namesake of the pass, had attacked them while crossing through an underwater section. Thankfully, she was able to aid Katara and Aang in defeating it with waterbending with no casualties

But in the wake of one disaster there was always another, and before Y/N knew it a baby had been born. She was mostly there for moral support — Katara had it all handled, and Y/N didn’t expect anything less.

But finally, they had made it across the pass, and they were so close to Ba Sing Se that she could almost smell the city air. Sadly, though, that meant it was time for them to part ways — Aang to find Appa, and Suki back to her warriors. After some sad but hopeful goodbyes with Aang, it was time to bid farewell to Suki.

“Are you sure you can’t travel a little longer with us?” Y/N questioned, apparently not above pleading to try and get the girl to stay. “You’re— you’re amazing, and we’d really love to have you with us.”

“I can’t even imagine what travelling with the Avatar would be like,” she smiled, causing Y/N to get her hopes up for just a moment before they fell back down. “But I can’t stay. I have to get back to the Kyoshi Warriors.”

Y/N sighed, her gaze falling slightly downcast. “I get that. I just really wish you could stay. Or that I could meet your warriors. You seriously don’t know how cool you are, Suki.”

“Well, if you’re ever in town on Kyoshi Island, find us. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out and do you one better than just meeting them all,” she said with a grin. “I think it’d be pretty cool to have the first waterbending Kyoshi Warrior.”

Y/N was unable to prevent the heat rushing to her cheeks as she smiled shyly, once again averting eye contact. “That would be amazing. I’ll have to find my way back there after the war.”

Suki bumped shoulders with her, causing a startled laugh to spill from her lips. “We’d love to have you.”

“Wait, why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye to her?” Sokka questioned as he walked up to the two of them. Y/N winked at Suki and gestured at him with her head, walking off before Suki could protest to find Katara.

The conversation the two girls were sharing was an extremely thinly veiled excuse to eavesdrop on the lovebirds, and when they kissed Y/N actually had to hold back a scream.

Sokka deserved this. She knew how much he beat himself up over every little thing that went wrong, and it was about time he got to relax even for a moment. She only hoped that Suki would be in their corner of the world sooner rather than later.

What could she say? She was already fantasizing about life as a Kyoshi Warrior.

~~~~~~~~~

Although they had parted ways, they soon found themselves reunited with Aang to stop yet another Fire Nation threat.

“For the love of Kuruk,” Y/N murmured as she stared into the distance, her eyes wide at the sight of a large mechanical drill. “That was Ty Lee who just took down all those soldiers. And if she’s here, Mai and Azula are with her too. Guys, It’s one thing to stop this drill, it’s another thing to take those three down with it.”

“The question is, how do we do it?” Aang questioned.

“Why can nothing ever be easy?” Sokka lamented. His gaze remained trained on the drill for a moment before he realized theirs were on him. “Why are you all looking at me?”

“You’re the idea guy,” Aang said.

“Wait, so I’m the only one who can ever come up with a plan?” he protested. “That’s a lot of pressure!”

“And also the complaining guy,” Katara muttered, drawing a chuckle out from Y/N.

“Now that part I don’t mind,” Sokka admitted.

“Well, Sokka— you were a huge help in the North, and you figured out a way to defeat the Fire Nation during that eclipse at the library! Plus, there’s all that stuff that Katara told me you did before I joined.” She patted him on the back. “If anyone can figure out how to take that thing down, it’s you.”

He shrugged nonchalantly, his ego only slightly bolstered. “...okay. I think I can do it.”

“That’s the spirit!” she said with a smile.

Unfortunately, that smile faded as a young guard came running up to the wall. “Excuse me, Avatar and friends — I’ve heard that you’ve dealt with that… that pink girl down there before.” They nodded and he continued. “It would do us a great deal of help if you could come down and look at our injured soldiers, then.”

Y/N and Katara nodded in unison and started to follow the guard, the remaining three trailing after them. They ended up inside the wall, in what looked like an infirmary of sorts with all the cots and soldiers lying around, and the two waterbenders exchanged looks.

“You know what to do?” Katara asked.

Y/N hummed in acknowledgment, and they both knelt down next to separate cots. “This definitely looks like Ty Lee’s work,” she murmured as she bent water up from the pot and molded it over the man’s arm.

“What’s wrong with him?” the general questioned. “He doesn’t look injured.”

“His chi is blocked,” Katara explained. “Who did this to you?”

“Two girls ambushed us,” the soldier said, moving his arm as he regained feeling. “One of them hit me with a bunch of quick jabs and suddenly I couldn't earthbend anymore and I could barely move. Then she cartwheeled away.”

Katara sighed as she bent the water back into the pot. “You were right, Y/N. That was Ty Lee — she doesn’t look dangerous, but she knows the human body and its weak point. It’s like she takes you down from the inside.”

As if struck by lightning, Sokka lit up. “Oh, oh, oh! What you just said — that’s how we’re going to take down the drill; the same way Ty Lee took down all those earthbenders!”

“By hitting its pressure points!” Toph exclaimed with a grin.

The breakthrough brought a steely determination to Aang’s features as he looked out into the distance. “We’ll take it down from the inside.”

~~~~~~~~~

Like everything they did, it seemed so simple on paper. But now that she was actually inside the drill, it felt a lot more nerve wracking. Toph opted to stay outside where she could see and try to slow down the drill with the earth at her disposal, which left the four of them to somehow take it down from the inside.

Sokka led them through a hallway with a myriad of valves and pipes as he thought out loud. “I need a plan of this machine — some schematics that show what the inside looks like. Then we can find its weak points.”

“Where are we gonna get something like that?” Aang asked.

Sokka thought for a moment before he took his machete out and hacked a valve off a pipe. Y/N instinctively took a step back and shielded her face from the hot steam. “What are you doing?” she cried. “Someone’s gonna hear us!”

“That’s the point!” he exclaimed. “A machine this big needs engineers to run it, and when something breaks—”

“Someone will come down to fix it!” Katara finished with a smile at Aang, a sentiment the boy returned happily.

It was surprisingly easy to take down the engineer once he arrived — with a little bit of frozen mist on Katara’s end, they had the plans they needed. Sokka’s expertise combined with the blueprints got them to the beginning of the outer shell.

“Wow,” Sokka muttered. “It looks a lot thicker than it does in the plans. We’re gonna have to work pretty hard to cut through that.”

Katara crossed her arms. “What’s this ‘we’ stuff? The three of us are gonna have to do all the work.”

“Look, I’m the plan guy!” Sokka explained with a gesture to himself. “You three are the ‘cut up stuff with waterbending’ guys. Together, we’re Team Avatar!”

Katara and Aang looked wholly unamused while Y/N chuckled. “Team Avatar. I like it.”

“Thank you,” he smiled. “At least someone appreciates my genius.”

“Tui’s gills, why do you have to keep boosting his ego?” Katara complained. “Let’s just get this done before it gets worse.”

The three of them got in position — Katara and Aang on opposite sides so they could pass the stream of water between them, and Y/N making the point of the triangle to work on the other side on her own. They were hoping it would be more efficient being able to cut through both sides at the same time, but it was proving to be much more difficult than they had imagined — halfway through the three of them were already exhausted.

By some feat of strength they were able to completely cut through the brace, but their hard work didn’t pay off in quite the way they had imagined — when the beam only shifted a few inches she groaned.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” she breathed as she wiped sweat off of her forehead.

“At this rate,” Katara paused to inhale deeply, “we won’t do enough damage before the drill reaches the wall.”

“I don’t know how many more of those I have in me,” Aang said sadly.

A large creak suddenly rang throughout the large chamber, and they all looked up for the source.

“Did you hear that?” Sokka asked, already backing up to make an exit. “We took it down! We gotta get out of here, fast!”

Just as they reached the door on the other side, a crackle followed by the sound of a man’s voice dashed their hopes. “Congratulations, crew. The drill has made contact with the wall of Ba Sing Se. Start the countdown to victory!”

A collective silence hung in the air between them, the threat now even more imminent as their situation sunk in. Mai and Ty Lee had proven effective in taking down any Earth Kingdom threat posed at them, and despite Toph’s skill they knew she couldn’t take down something like this on their own.

They either had to figure out a way to destroy this drill, or the Fire Nation was going to make it into the city.

Sokka ran back over to the brace and pushed against it, putting all his strength into the feat but to no avail. “Come…. on! Move!”

Katara started pacing around in a small circle, crossing her arms again as she tried to think of something. “This is bad. This is really bad.”

“Sokka, that’s not going to work!” Y/N didn’t mean to snap, but the grinding of metal on metal combined with her nervousness got to her. She sighed and ran her hand over her face. “I— I’m sorry. But it’s still not going to work.”

He groaned as he leaned against the brace. “We’re putting everything we have into busting these things, but it’s taking too long!”

Suddenly, Aang jumped up from the ground with stars in his eyes. “Maybe we don’t need to cut all the way through! Toph — she’s been teaching me that you shouldn’t put a hundred percent of your energy in any one strike. Sokka, get in a fighting stance.”

Sokka complied and as Aang talked through his points, he demonstrated it on Sokka. “You've got to be quick and accurate. Hit a series of points and break your opponent's stance. And when he's reeling back, you deliver the final blow. His own weight becomes his downfall, literally.”

As Sokka fell over from the attack, Katara lit up. “So we just need to weaken the braces instead of cutting all the way through—”

“—then I can go to the top of this thing and deliver the final blow!” Aang finished.

Y/N helped Sokka up from the ground, his spirits not dampened at all. “Then boom! This whole thing goes down!”

“Then what are we waiting for?” Y/N asked, flexing her fingers to refresh them for all the bending she was going to have to do. “Aang, Katara and I can handle the braces. Focus on getting up to the top before anyone sees you.”

He nodded and they all met each other with determined eyes. “Everyone inside that wall, the whole world — they’re all counting on us.”

“Here, take this. You need this more than I do. ” Katara took her waterskin off and handed it to Aang. “Good luck. And be careful.”

Y/N noticed a slight blush on her cheeks and she had to hold back her smile. That was definitely something she was going to tease her friend about later — when they weren’t trying to stop the Fire Nation from breaking into Ba Sing Se.

“I will,” he assured. Aang slung the strap of the waterskin around his shoulder and took off, and Y/N and Katara got to work breaking through the rest of the braces.

With the knowledge that they only had to cut through half of each column and the revitalization that came from having a plan, their work went by much quicker. Just when they finished the final brace, it all went wrong.

“Good work, Team Avatar!” Sokka cheered. “Now we— Y/N, duck!”

She didn’t question Sokka as she immediately dropped to the ground, something she was immensely thankful for as a blast of blue fire seared past her. Her eyes snapped up to the source of the attack and narrowed in recognition.

“Of course they’re here,” she growled as she pulled herself back up. “We gotta go, now!”

Katara and Sokka nodded and they all started running. Bringing up the rear, Y/N was able to hear Azula’s words right before they split off into an intersection:

“Follow them! I’m going to find the Avatar.”

Sure enough, when she allowed a glance back, Mai and Ty Lee were closing in on them. She flicked open the cap of her waterskin and bent some out, managing to freeze it at just the right moment to block the incoming daggers from Mai. Still running, she melted it quickly and let it fall to the ground before freezing it again, creating some ice on the ground that would hopefully give them a few more seconds of leeway.

“That should give us some time!” she yelled as they turned a corner, finally turning her attention back to the path in front of them. “Any idea how we’re gonna get out of this thing?”

“Maybe!” Sokka yelled back, slowing to a stop as they came to a dead end, a large hatch the only thing at their disposal. He started tugging on the wheel in an attempt to open it, and when Y/N joined in they were able to wrench it open.

“Slurry pipeline?” Katara frowned as she read the sign on the wall and looked at Sokka. “What does that mean?”

“It’s rock and water mixed together,” he explained as they looked into the rushing liquid underneath the hatch. “It means it’s our way out!”

Katara nodded and climbed in, Sokka following close after. The sound of metal footsteps got closer and closer, and Y/N ducked inside just as Mai’s knives clanked against the hatch. Never before had she been so happy to be floating in a stream of slurry.

The rest of their mission went by surprisingly easy — at least, on their end. All it took was some waterbending — earthbending, when Toph joined them — and encouragement from Sokka (though unappreciated by Katara). Whatever magic Aang was working at the top of the drill had done its job, because soon enough the drill had collapsed in on itself.

And now, they had reunited on the top of the wall overlooking the sunset. After the chaos that had been their day, it was nice to just relax for even a moment. And there was no better way to do so than with her friends.

“I just want to say, good effort out there, Team Avatar!” Sokka exclaimed as he threw an arm around Y/N’s shoulder.

“Enough with the ‘Team Avatar’ stuff,” Katara said dryly. “No matter how many times you say it, it’s not going to catch on.”

“I like it, Sokka,” Y/N smiled. “I’ve liked it this whole time.”

“You always appreciate my genius, Y/N,” he mused. “That’s why I appreciate you.” She laughed and leaned her head against his shoulder as he continued to list off names.

“How about… the Boomeraang squad! Eh? See, it’s good because it’s boomerang, and it has Aang in it—”

“Yeah Sokka,” Toph interrupted. “We got it.”

Aang grinned and scratched his head. “I kinda like that one.”

“The Aang Gang. Ooh, the Fearsome Fivesome!”

“You’re crazy,” Toph muttered as she walked away.

“Wait, Sokka—” Y/N pulled away from him and held up her pointer finger. “Aang Gang — what if we combine it, so it’s just the Gaang? But still with Aang’s name?”

And at that moment, Sokka looked more proud than ever. “Oh, you— you are a genius.”

“Oh, spirits,” Katara groaned. “Why do you insist on encouraging him?”

“You’re just jealous of our name-making abilities,” Sokka said haughtily.

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “You two are completely ridiculous, you know that? Let’s just get into the city before the trains stop running.”

Y/N and Sokka winked at each other as they all started walking, unable to keep the smile off of her face. She always thought it was amazing — they went through insane things every day, but at the end of it all she was always able to smile because of them. And as her gaze drifted towards the city in the distance, she hoped it would hold true.

She had no idea what Ba Sing Se had in store for her.

-

shit is gonna happen next chapter so i hope you all are READY bc im not

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

atla tags: @marianne1806 @brown-eyed-thang @akiris

ehfar tags: @chandies-sideblog @zacatecanaaaa @anzanity @randomthingssss @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @shanksfav @shephard17895 @ilovespideyyy @carisi-sonny @selfship-mishaps @i-belong-in-fandoms @ilistentotayswifttocope @i-make-questionable-choices @3leni

[fweasleyswhore]

If you are taking requests for the kinkmas list, can I pretty please get, dry humping & humiliation kink for george 🥺 thank you! If not it’s completely fine, no worries!

Kinkmas Day 1:

Humiliation and Dry Humping

George Weasley - Get Off

a/n: I have already told you but this is so hot and it was really fun to write, thank you for this request <3 I know its a few days late but ofc right after I got excited for kinkmas I got my period and its hard to write when I cant stop crying and hurt hella bad lmao - all good now tho

pairing: george weasley x gender neutral reader (mentions reader wearing a skirt, no pronouns)

word count: 1.4k 

warnings: smut, humiliation/degradation, dry humping, p short my b

Fuck. It had been all day. An entire day of purposeful brushes, small touches, dirty words, and then, nothing. Strutting through the halls of the castle I couldn’t deny the burn that spread through my entire body. All-day, all damn day, George had been teasing me. And now I could not find him. 

The only thing stopping me from heading to my dorm and fixing the problem myself were his words. 

“Hold out for me sweetheart, tonight I want to show you the stars.” The words echoed through my head again making a shiver run down my spine. The words he whispered to me during herbology followed by a light smack on my ass fueled the fire I now felt all over. I had scoured the entire castle after dinner, starting in his dorm and then everywhere else. I even checked the library but to no avail. I decided I would try the last few places before I completely gave up. It was by no doubt after curfew by now, and I didn’t mind disobeying George if I literally couldn’t find him. 

Trudging up the stairs to the astronomy tower I played with the hem of my skirt. If I focus hard enough I could almost feel George’s hands raking up my thighs, a feeling that I craved so badly right now. 

Making it to the top of the tower I gingerly pushed open the door, a soft plush mattress sat on the floor, covered with an immense amount of blankets and the soft glow from a few floating candles surrounding the area. I felt my breath hitch as my eyes trailed to the lanky ginger boy laying on the bed. 

“What is this?” I asked softly. His head popped up at the sound. His eyes were dark but his face adorned a giddy smile that made me weak knowing I was the cause. 

“Well, I did say I wanted to show you the stars now didn’t I?” He said in a cocky voice, his head cocked on the side. 

I felt my cheeks heat up as guilt panged my stomach. “Oh Merlin, I’m an idiot aren’t I?”

“Maybe, but you’re my idiot.” He said plainly. I couldn’t help but smile at the boy, laying down slightly, propped up on his elbows, legs spread. His school sweater was nowhere in sight, and his tie laid untied around his shoulders. He looked delicious, and I needed him. 

“I wasn’t aware I belonged to you,” I said lightly, sauntering over to him I watched the way his smile fell and had to hide my own smile as I plopped down next to him on the bed. 

“After everything I did to you today you still want to be a brat?” He asked pulling himself up and looking at me like a predator would his prey. 

“I have no idea as to what you are talking about.” I lied cooly. I was thankful for the dark lighting hiding what I assume to be a dark blush coating my features. 

He sighed and pulled his tie off of his shoulders. His hands rung the fabric, tightening around it for a moment so his veins popped out ever so slightly. The sight made my desire deepen and I rubbed my thighs together, feeling my wetness begin to pool as the day’s events caught up to me. 

“What you are doing says differently sweetheart,” He didn’t look at me as he spoke, opting to continue to play with his tie. “What you are doing is telling me that you’re a misbehaving whore who needs to be put in their place.” He finally looked at me. The tie in his hands now was pulled into an intricate knot that had two loops similar to handcuffs. 

“I watched you today, I watched you rub your thighs together in potions like you wanted me to bend you over right there.” His words had my mouth dry and my pussy drenched. I had no words or cheeky comeback as he watched me with dark hungry eyes. Every word sending me closer to the edge. “I watched how after every interaction we had you grew more desperate, you may say you don’t belong to me but your body sure does, and by the end of the night your mind will too.” 

I opened my mouth to shout something back but before I could his lips met mine in a wet sloppy kiss. His hands soon found my waist and hoisted me up onto his lap, straddling him. From the new angle, our kisses grew more heated and synced. His hands trailed down my waist to my hips, he pushed me down rutting his hips into mine. I felt his clothed bulge grind straight into my core and I didn’t hold back the moan that erupted from my chest. He took that moment to stick his tongue in my mouth, I didn’t bother fighting him with my own, I continued to grind into him sucking on his tongue. He squeezed my hips and pushed up again in sync with my own rhythm I had set that felt amazing. I pulled back letting out a high-pitched whine. 

“Look at you saying you’re not mine but falling apart before I have even properly touched you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were soaking, no one else can do this to you, you’re my whore.” I simply nodded at his words. Too caught up in the pleasure he was giving me to formulate a proper response. “Do you think I could get you off on my thigh? Do you think you could get off by humping my thigh like a worked up whore?” I buried my head in his neck, continuing to rut my hips into him as he spoke I felt my orgasm quickly approaching, and the thought of having to stop to situate myself on his thigh seemed counterproductive. 

“N-No.” I barely whispered. “Don’t need to.” His hand trailed up my side and behind my head, until he grabbed a fistful of my hair, pulling harsh enough to pull my head back but not enough to hurt me. I looked at him with half-lidded eyes. The devilish smile plastered on his face told me he was enjoying me falling apart on his lap. 

“Gonna cum from this?” He asked pushing his hips into mine with force. I whined, nodding as much as I could with his hand in my hair. 

“Yes, god yes,” I said hastily. The knot in my stomach was fraying at the ends, beginning to fall apart or snap any second. “Please Georgie, need to cum, need to cum now,” I begged. 

I watched as his smile fell into a more serious expression, the hand on my hip grew a tighter grip as he spoke. “Say it, slut. So eager for me, about to cum without me touching you, admit it. You’re mine.” His voice was a few octaves deeper than normal and slightly hoarse. His words pushed only further at the knot in my stomach which was moments away from unraveling. 

“I’m yours, all yours Georgie. Please let me cum, please let your whore cum for you.” I begged, rutting my hips harder. I screwed my eyes shut, willing my every fiber to wait for his permission. 

“Cum for me.” I fell apart in his lap. Panting out broken ‘thank you’s, and blinking away tears. He released my hair and my head fell forward onto his chest, I slowed down my hips and soon enough my breath followed suit. 

“Yknow, I was joking when I said that I didn’t belong to you,” I said breathlessly. I felt his chest rumble against my forehead as he laughed, one hand running up and down my back soothingly. 

“I know, I just wanted you to know you couldn’t get away with that.” He whispered in my ear. I picked my head up gingerly, looking into his lust-filled eyes. 

“Can you do something for me?” I asked quietly, trailing a hand up his chest. He hummed in response causing me to let the smile I was trying to hide slip onto my lips. “Prove to me your mine.”

“Oh, you are in for it now.” I couldn’t hold back the giggle that left my lips as he pushed me down onto my back, towering over me. 

Tonight would be a long night.

[lesbi-nyan]

fuck.. i just. sometimes. get so overwhelmed .. and i yell and literally feel like im throwing a tantrum, then my parents tell me to act more mature .. which in turn makes me even more upset and makes me feel ashamed for just not being able to process my emotions on demand and end up screaming like an immature kid. I don't know how to get them to listen sometimes without yelling and it literally just hurts because then they ask me to justify why i say they're being insensitive or rude to me, but i don't know how to formulate the thought after i said it and i just. want to leave the conversation. disengage,but they yell for me to come back and won't leave me alone til they have the final word. i cant process things and this week im without counseling and it's hard. im trying really hard.

[fagcrisis]

SPOILERS

so, as you all know i went into this with haterism in my heart. i dont trust neil gaiman to make a good series of television (and he didnt!) and i especially dont trust him to write good gay rep because ive read. literally everything hes ever written i know what hes like

i did however first read good omens the book the myth the legend at the tender age of 11 and im not ashamed to say watching this season made me legitimately insane. its very hard to formulate critical thoughts about this show when i just saw one of my favorite characters in literature ever gay kiss. BUT IM GOING TO TRY

first of all the plot is kind of nonsensical. the intrigue of what mightve happened to gabriel is interesting, but i do not feel like the eventual reveal of his relationship with beelzebub was set up in any manner. the only reason i spotted that beelzebub seemed weirdly fixated on finding him was because i saw spoilers about this plotline first and knew to expect it. i feel like because this obviously was not at all present in season one, aziraphale's investigation should have revealed a lot more about their relationship because as it stands, the main reason he went to edinburgh was to say the word grindr and have a flashback

the pressure and the villains this season didnt really feel, well real. the angels are bumbling idiots and while shax is initinally presented as somewhat competent, the demons also turn out to be kind of bumbling idiots. there is not really any danger presented to our protagonists, and the pressure to get maggie and nina together is also not really something that plays a role (due to muriel being a bumbling idiot), although that plotline i didnt actually hate but more on that later.

i still dont understand why the angels didnt recognize metatron when he was there at gabriels trial and he is like, as far as i can tell their boss. him being the sort of final villain/main villain of s3 possibly didnt feel like a reveal but thats bc ive seen supernatural and read his dark materials. its not a bad twist and i do feel like any urban fantasy involving christianity is inevitabely gonna end up at metatron being the final boss bc how are you gonna involve god and make him evil. supernatural nonwhitstanding they were smoking crack at that point. anyway i dont neccesarily hate him showing up but it was in somewhat of a weird manner.

ALSO people jumped to the conclusion that he wrote this season so quickly guys this is NOT supernatural u cant explain bad writing away diagetically

despite the bad writing me and @totopopopo had a great time and thats partially due to mental illness but its also due to the fact that tennant and sheen are, incredible. they absolutely carried this show, it was kind of an experiment in how much bad writing can these amazing actors make you forget about. they looked like they were having fun the whole time and they made me have fun too. despite my issues with the story i cant say i didnt have a ball on this bitch because watching michael sheen prance around and queen out while david tennant reprises his famous role in the ministry of silly walks and stares at aziraphale like he wants to eat him was basically everything ive ever needed in this show. i would watch these two say anything and id enjoy it

now onto their relationship and also maggie and nina, because i haven't slept well and have not been able to decide how i feel about this. i feel like their relationship was done well but thats like 80% due to the actors being good and only like 15% due to the script, the rest is all in my head. i did really enjoy the both of them getting deeply invested in these womens' lives for the sake of sort of vicariously living out their own desires, even if it felt a little bit rushed and also the talk they gave to crowley at the end was really funny and cute but it was also like, twitterspeak which annoyed me

overall i dont think i can be an objective judge of how it went because my head is literally just ineffable husbands gay moments compilation on loop atm. i liked it and i dont think it was like, offensive in any manner but i also do think its mostly on the actors understanding their characters very well

the final verdict is that if you dont care deeply about this story then its not really a must watch, it felt like a rushed season that needed a lot more episodes and time to breathe, as well as some fucking script revisions. however it is kind of fun and if your standards are not very high and you want to see david tennant sit on chairs in entirely new ways i recommend watching it with friends. if you do care deeply about this story however you will become insane

ps.: hes totally raphael

i woke up im normal now im going to try and gather my thoughts about gomens 2 coherently

[honey-subs]

Request: Omega!Felix getting fucked by his Alpha Boyfriend with Felix leaking omega slick?

First Heat - Lee Felix

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

⤷pairing - lee felix x male!reader

⤷genre - smut

⤷summary - kitten hybrid!felix going through his first heat, luckily you’re there to help him out.

⤷warnings - sub!felix, dom!reader, male reader, kitten hybrid!felix, abo verse

⤷notes - i look forward to writing more abo fics in the future ^-^ also, i’m not that knowledgeable on a/b/o verse, even though i read it a lot, so uh, some of this might be wrong-

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“felix? are you okay? you look... hot...?” you comment as felix walks up to you, a bit more drowsy than normal, and his kitten ears were flattened to his head. “thank you for calling me hot.” he gives a sly smirk and laughs when you playfully glare. “i’m fine, y/n.” he says with a coy smile. you let your gaze linger on him before turning away. “okay, well, are you ready for nerd-night?”you asked, a smile coming onto your face. “always.” he smiles back just as excited.

nerd-night was basically just a night of a week where you and felix let out all your nerdy instincts that had been held in the previous week. the both of you got full with junk food and snacks, and just talked eachothers ear off until no end.

anyway, felix was helping you gather all the snacks you’d need to have a successful night, tail swishing calmly. you noticed how he seemed more jumpy than usual, a bit more aware of his surroundings. “you don’t have to stare, y/n. i know i look good.” he turns around and catches you staring off into space. “what, i cant stare at what’s mine?” you tease, carrying a bowl of popcorn to the living room. you don’t even have to look behind you to know that he’s blushing and frozen to his spot.

“c’mon lixie! season 5 is about to start!” you tease once you’re seated on the couch, throwing a piece of popcorn into your mouth. “o-okay, coming.” he mumbles, grabbing a few more extra bowls and candy bags. he’s speed walking when he hears the theme song come on, quickly making his way over to you. “hey!” he mutters when he’s seated in your arms. “you were moving too slow.” you shrugged, grinning as you munched on a star burst.

felix is cuddled into your side when you notice something is off again. “how can they not know that harrison can walk? that is obviously not the same man from before the particle accelerator blew up. i thought they loved the real wells enough to know a fake one.” he rolls his eyes at the people on these screen and pouts at their stupidity. “tv logic is dumb, baby. i do know that iris is blind as a bat for not knowing that barry is the flash, though.” you chuckle.

you can hear his breath hitch when you call him ‘baby’ and his body gives off even more heat than before. “baby? are you sure you’re okay, you’re really hot...” you let your sentence trail off, and you feel yet another wave of heat emit from him. his tail is swishing nervously as he pulls away from you, a light sheen of sweat covered his face. “i’m sorrry.” he apologizes, breathing heavy.

“what’s going on?” you ask, concerned for your hybrid. his picking at his tail, and his eyes widen and you know he feels something. he’s crossing his legs over one another, and you could practically see the gears turning in his head as he’s trying to formulate a sentence. “‘m sorry.” he apologizes again. “felix, baby, just tell me.” your hand is placed on his thigh, and yet another wave of heet emits.

“it’s my first heat, y-you must’ve triggered it...” he mumbled, words airy as he did his best to explain. you didn’t show the visible shock on your face as you processed his words. when you first got felix a few months ago, the lady at the shelter had warned you about heats. he was still clenching his thighs together. “do you want me to take care of you?” you asked, and his cheeks redden and his hears flattened on his head. as his alpha mate, you had to help him through it, but only with his consent of course. “please,” he whimpers.

a moan falls from his lips when you touch his thigh again, and he’s hiding his face in embarrassment, and you realize that all of his senses must be heightened. “i’ll help you.” you murmur, tugging his hands away from his face. his eyebrows furrow when you answer. “you will? please don’t feel like you have to! i can take care of it myself if you don’t want to.” he offers pleadingly. “no, lixie, i wanna help you.” you tell him, pulling him onto you lap. he’s down casting his eyes, not meeting your gaze.

he’s a bit startled, and his ears perk up when he feels your lips on his, softly melting into the kiss as he wraps his arms around your neck. your fingertips dance across his hard on, and he whimpers out a small “please?” before resuming the kiss again.

you tug his pants down and off and throw them somewhere. you manage to shimmy out of your own pants messily. felix’s head falls into your neck, waiting patiently for your next move.

“let me go get the lube-“ you murmur, leaving small kisses along his jawline. “i don’t need it...” he says back, getting timid again. “you’ll see why in a minute.” he mutters, grinding against you to get your attention again.

you tug down his boxers and throw them as well. you use two fingers to reach behind him and circle his rim. you’re surprised to see him leaking so much slick that it was beading and dripping down his thighs.

“shit, baby, you’re so wet and just for me?” you tease, pushing two fingers into him slowly. “y-yes alpha... just for you.” he moans as you pump your fingers in and out of him.

you pull them out quickly though, and he whines into your neck. his whining is ceased when he sees you tug down your underwear just enough so that you could free your cock from the restraining material.

your hands grip the under side of his thighs and lift him up enough so that you could line up with his entrance. he gasped once he felt your tip pushing against his rim, and soon enough slipping in. he was most definitely wet enough so that the slip was easy.

he eases down onto you gasping when he feels that you’re buried deep within him. “shit, alpha you’re so deep-“ he gasps, already clenching around you to adjust to your size.

he slides up a bit, and comes back down, shivering from the feeling of being so full. small gasps and pants leave his mouth, and he’s whimpering a small “alpha...” every now and then.

felix was so wet and tight, clenching around your cock everytime he came back down. there was an unexpected jolt when he changed the angle momentarily, leaning back slightly. it had all the difference in his pleasure though becuase he mewled loudly the moment the tip touched his prostate.

he went limp momentarily as it happened, the sensations flowing through him in small shocks of electricity that had him wanting more and more — getting drunk off of the feeling.

you took matters into your own hands — literally — and moved his hips for him, pulling him up only to drop him back down. “y-your knot... alpha please.” he begs in the midst of moans. “need your k-knot...” he chants, legs clenching around your waist even more.

“you gonna cum, lixie?” you ask, beginning to buck your hips into his with force that had your thighs burning. “gonna be a good little omega and cum for me?” you tease, hand moving over his cock in a single stroke before letting it fall from your closed fist. “yes, yes, yes.” he chants.

he’s spasming around you when he does cum, making a mess of your shirts with his eyes rolling back. you could feel your knot begin to swell moments prior, and now it was time. with one more final push, your knot was engulfed by his heat. “a-ah!” he moans when it’s fully in, choked sounds coming from him as he experienced the stretch that accompanied the amazing feeling.

you his your face in his neck as you came inside of him, pumping him full with your cum. you knew it would take a while for your knot to come down, so you didn’t you best to calm him down; your hands roaming his back in a comforting fashion.

you placed kisses on his cheeks and forehead as he came down. “you did so well for me, lixie. you did so good. such a good omega for me.” you breathe. “thank you, thank you.” he murmurs. “you been so good to me.” he says, and your heart warms.

he leans back, and has a drowsy look on his face. “thanks for getting me through... that.” he says with a small and curt laugh. “of course, lixie.” you nuzzle your head into his neck, feeling that he wasn’t as hot anymore. as if he can read your thoughts, he speaks up. “are you aware that we have to do this for another four days?” he asks. “yes, yes i am.” you mutter with a small laugh.

“okay this is about to be a struggle, but let’s get back to the room so we can clean up a bit, and cuddle. i don’t wanna go to sleep with your cum on my shirt.” you chuckle as you look down at the mess. “you don’t have to say it so blunt like that.” he cringes and hides his face, tail wrapping around his leg.

you simply roll your eyes and kiss him softly. “let’s go.” you mutter as you do your best to stand with felix latched onto you and trying not to hurt him, so you can go and complete processes of aftercare.

[reverais]

-

listen i didn’t know that tumblr had a tag limit and the whole bunch of my stream-of-consciousness-public-journal-entry is missing so im rewriting everything bc, of all the times, this is not one i want to forget

listen my queue is about to end and im about to drop some very emotionally-driven language formulations. the hell is language formulation even. i just dont know how to put any of this into words

tbh i feel like i havent really come to terms with everything

your girl just went through an unfortunately loss and went back to home for it. and philippines has some funeral customs i still cant wrap my mind around. tbh i feel like i haven’t mourned at all here. most grief ive experienced was from the three days it took to plan getting here

and im already anticipating the most grueling “return to normal” when i get back to canada

like i go back to work literally the day after i land (thank god its wfh tho). but i want to wail. i want to be unable to breathe bc i cried it all out. not just the loss. but the missing of home, the missing of family. again.

god i hate it. i always know its going to be like this whenever i leave home. but it just never seems to get easier. like i cried into my eye mask two days ago. we shouldve gotten drunk. thats why i didn’t cry yesterday. i was kinda elated even. i was like i should go home tomorrow (today) bc the night ended so well. not that tonight didn’t end well. but theres just a certain feeling looming. and i just want to cry it all out already. like rip the bandaid. but not here. not in front of everyone. especially not in front of ma. who also seems to be trying to choke things down.

no time ever feels enough but there’s always that thought of i need to make money, things are waiting for me. and tbh my lifestyle and comfort just isn’t for here no more. but anywhere the family is, i’ll go. no matter the mosquito and ant bites.

not to make this anymore complicated but church, man. i already know there’s something waiting for me there. and i don’t want to hear a second of it. i dont even think i can bring myself to be around people i can genuinely be myself with much less the ones who just orders and tells me what to do. that one is hard to explain as is. but ig thats just another bandaid to rip off when i finally have the guts to

“funny” things is that im this close to cursing god. after how i took in technoblades passing, he really thought to send another one my way. thats just cruel now

theyre all talking about me coming back next year december. and december is the known preferred time now bc not only is there more to do but the weather is nicer. more expensive but a more worthwhile trip. plus i have a list of what to bring back now. chocolates obv, the halloween sales ones esp. water bottles seem to be a current trend but still useful even out of trend anyway. ill try to find books for a particular cousin. and maybe speakers bc they love the bluetooth one. oreas and pringles and candies overall which are honestly cheaper here but whatever they want. the kids love toys still - i haven’t seen that kind of exciting in forever and i want to see it again. these kids got me running around and sweating. dont got their stamina and endurance for heat and itchy grass

all in all i think money goes the furthest here (as is anywhere). ill just buy experiences. ig thats movitation to stay in the deadend job for now. and to commit to pursuing something hopefully better for my future.

its late tho, i need to wake up early. good night.

[norestwithoutlove]

Hi, I just finished reading to build a home (quite literally just then) and it was one of the best stories I’ve ever read. everything was so cohesive and beautifully done and has inspired me to do some writing of my own. How did you manage to keep track of minor details and plots throughout the book continuity wise, with such a large word count, thats something most authours cant do and it made it feel so much more personal and immersive. this fic was a wild ride, sorry if this sounds weird btw i dont usually do this.

Hey !! sorry this one took me a while to reply to ! thanks so much for this message it made me beam - i’m glad the fic made you want to use your own voice as well! writing is such a balm especially in times like these, so i hope you’re loving it.

holy shit i’ve just gone over this and this is a LONG answer so i’m very sorry for the essay in advance. regarding continuity and minor details:

from like very early days (essentially day one of writing) i had a very clear vision of where i wanted the fic to go, and what the major plot points were (the night of the fight aged 18 and everything which caused it, even that it would take place on the roof, sam’s overdose happening in the middle of dean’s drunk love confession, the chapter 59 love confession which leads to them FINALLY getting together happening in front of the fire and cas giving dean his poetry book, the dedication saying ‘to dean, i still do, and always will’. all of that was just sitting rotting all other thoughts in my mind and so i had to type it all out at the bottom of the word document to get it down and make sure i didn’t forget. here’s an excerpt of that very early days plan (the scene where dean comes out to sam in the hospital!!! one of my absolute favourites):

other things came later, like the wedding + concussion scene, and the scene where dean waits out in the treehouse all night, which honestly was SO cruel of me and really added to the tragedy of the chapter 38, 40, 42 arc. but yeah as with the above they sat in my brain just waiting for me to reach the appropriate part of the fic to type them up from VERY early days of the fic. opinions on this vary but i don’t like typing out the scenes that i really want to type out if i haven’t actually reached them in the fic’s construction, (does that make sense?  i’ve phrased it badly) because knowing i’m gonna get to write those scenes is what motivates me to actually write the scenes inbetween. i should probably switch this up a bit as everyone advises against this form of writing but also yeah changing routine is effort.

other things plotted in the fic came about in light of the events of the show. mary wasn’t originally gonna be such a distant mother but, as spn pushed that narrative of distance and withdrawal, i thought it would be weird for readers to read a fic which pushed the deified mary mother figure like early seasons spn. especially weird for the readers to read a deified mary fic when the mary they were watching on screen seemed to differ so drastically from the one in the story. so the mary-dean relationship (which was fortunately pretty ambiguous and stilted because of dean’s grief-brain in early chapters) had to change in tbah into the really complicated entity it became. honestly the formulation of that relationship is one of the things i was most proud of in the fic because it was so thorny and hard and felt tragically real for that reason. 

other things the progression of the show impacted: dean’s relationship with jack. obviously he couldnt be a nephilim in the tbah universe(!) so i had to consider another angle which would stilt his relationship with dean in the fic. considering the fact that in the show dean’s aversion to him came from a knot of grief, anger and dean’s own upbringing, i transplanted that idea onto the fic and said okay, but here it’s not about cas, it’s about john. dean untangles much of his own trauma with john through his relationship with jack in the symbols of his father he can find in his life: driving, fishing, and building. but also in the symbols of jimmy: cooking, talking, teaching. dean gets to choose between being a john or a jimmy to his son, but the question isn’t so simple, because people aren’t just symbols, and actually dean ends up being a dean to jack, which is perfect.

weirdly, i also think music helped with continuity. i had a few songs in my head at the beginning of the fic and they became like thematic seeds which could grow and make threads to be picked up throughout. i’d listen to these as i wrote, especially as i wrote the scenes i deemed the most significant. same thing with literature.

also thinking about the fic just became really comforting to me ! so i’d play major plot points in my head like a movie before i went to sleep, which meant by the time i got to writing them they’d had a lot of time to develop and pick up earlier themes of the fic. essentially all of the fic was written in light of the future of the fic, which really helped continuity and direction but also the weird tangled traumatised nature of time in the story. this figuring of time became really important because i think tangled traumatised time is essentially just the reality of grief-time. 

subconsciously i’m sure a lot of stuff bled through which was unintentional, the framing of events which repeat location (dean waiting in the treehouse all night as a teenager to say goodbye to cas before he leaves for university vs dean and cas going to the treehouse as adults and finding teens there who are saying goodbye to each other before leaving for university. confession 3 takes place a literal 10 years after confession 1. confession 1 comes from cas and happens on the roof just before he leaves for the uk, confession 2 comes from dean and happens drunken in the living room after dean has had an intense and ambiguous conversation/fight with his mother, confession 3 happens in the living room after dean has come out to his mother, confession 4 happens on the roof as castiel returns from the uk and repairing every sense of the rift confession 1 caused because this last confession ends in their engagement.)

once i realised this was happening i went back and combed through those scenes for lines to be repeated. an easy example of this is chapter 38//chapter 59. here’s a scene from chapter 38 as they enter the big white house:

and here’s them entering the house in chapter 59: 

i think it’s about trauma and repetition (freud has a theory about this, see Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through) in that we return to sites of trauma; trauma is reiterated in memory and in the material, but in every reiteration, we grow and heal and understand the trauma and ourselves better. it’s like an upward spiral: the first confession goes so badly, the second goes better but not good, the third good, the fourth goes wonderfully (dean’s narrative frames it as paradise: “maybe this is the sound of the trumpets on the other side”). so yeah, part of the ‘continuity’ of tbah is just a traumatised cycle of reiteration, and i say this in the nicest possible way, because these cycles of repetition are how we heal. deep down, i think that’s what the fic is all about.

tl;dr: i had a scrawl of a plan at the bottom of the word document i wrote tbah on, i thought about it a lot because it made me happy, i had a pretty clear vision of where things were going from the very opening chapter, and i was a very gay english lit student.

anyway thanks for the ask lovely i am SO sorry it resulted in the borderline novel of an answer.

[fantastic-rambles]

actually kinda curious on your thoughts on tadashi? cant really figure out what opinions youd have on him since rn hes opposing adam (well i mean everyones kind of opposing adam but you get the point), do you find tadashi interesting or just meh or? yeah curious because your thoughts are uh. Unique, to say the least (not in a totally negative way, ive just never seen anyone really dig into adam's motivations that well?)

Lol. “Unique,” yeah. I get that. I support Adam as a character and as a villain (but I totally expect karma to finally catch up to him in the end, and I won’t be sad when it does), but I’m not all that invested in the fandom ships. I don’t have a problem with any of them, but canonically, I don’t think any of them are anything more than good friends (or rivals, in the case of Eden). In general, I’m actually kinda irked by how people attribute romance everywhere, not just in Sk8, or even anime. xD

I’m guilty of it myself, and I do ship characters together all the time, but for me, it’s more as thought experiments than an actual belief in a romantic relationship. I’m very easily caught up in my obsessions and overanalyzing characters and getting into my personal theories/headcanons; Adam’s just the latest one on my radar.

So actually getting to your question (thank you for asking!), I’m not someone who will like or dislike characters simply based on their relationships with the characters I like. As such, I’m quite fascinated by Tadashi. He’s clearly someone who’s had an enormous influence on Adam, especially when it comes to skating. My speculation is that Tadashi was his first “love” in skating (again, non-romantically), but that Tadashi greatly disappointed or betrayed him in some way in that regard, which led Adam to his downward spiral. For example, maybe he held back in a race because Adam was his boss/his boss’ child and let Adam win, and that frustrated Adam (though I feel like it’s something more serious than that, but I don’t have enough information to formulate a more likely scenario). Or maybe that he told Adam’s father/aunts that Adam was still skating secretly after Adam was told to stop, and obeyed their commands to stop skating with Adam (so Adam needed to find a replacement, though that still seems kinda flimsy)? And that “betrayal” weighs heavily on both of them: it’s caused Adam to go on a rampage in search of “Eve,” and it’s given Tadashi such strong feelings of guilt that he’s been incapable of standing up to Adam for the longest time, even when Adam is calling him a dog or ordering him to take the fall for his perjury.

But I believe that Tadashi really cares about Adam, even though he’s technically opposing Adam at the moment. I don’t think it’s because he’s finally gotten fed up with Adam’s selfishness or has been holding back his resentment of his employer: it’s because he cares about Adam. Given the obvious Biblical allusion of Adam/Eve, his skating name of Snake is pretty symbolic, as well as his demand that if he wins, Adam will quit skating. The snake is the reason that Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden, and that’s literally what Tadashi is trying to do to Adam. So obviously Adam is pissed, because Tadashi is trying to “betray” him a second time (according to my theory) and take away the one thing that he loves more than anything else (in my opinion).

But the reason that Adam and Eve are cast out of Eden is because they have eaten the Fruit of Knowledge and gained awareness of themselves. Specifically, that they have gained a sense of morality, the knowledge of “right and wrong.” (According to my knowledge of the Bible, but I’m not a Biblical scholar or even a Christian, so... take that with a grain of salt if I’m wrong.) I’m not sure how Tadashi intends to achieve that (except that it must involve Langa somehow, since Adam has finally found his “Eve,” which has led Tadashi to make his move now), but I think that’s his goal in challenging Adam at this point, to make him realize that what he’s doing is wrong (in skating, and in life). Right now, Adam is still in a state of “innocence,” despite all the terrible things that he does: I see him as a bit of an overgrown child/spoiled brat, a kid who will strictly obey the words of “God” (his father/aunts, except for when it comes to skating) and pull the wings off insects out of childish curiosity, malice, or boredom. So my opinion/theory is that Tadashi is trying to help/save him by offering him the “Fruit of Knowledge” (though again, no idea what this is or how it would be achieved) so that he can be free, not only when he’s skating, but in real life as well (which is something Adam himself acknowledges, when he has a smoke break while giving Reki a head start--that he doesn’t have as much freedom outside of skating), and begin to truly mature. Tadashi wants to take away the artificial paradise that Adam has created and release him into the real world, but without the chains that are currently binding him. In my opinion. xD

Even I’m wrong and he actually despises Adam with his entire being, I’d still think that he’s a really interesting character though, because I’d want to know what happened to change him from the attendant who clearly cared about Adam and shared his love of skating with Adam/inspired Adam’s own love of skating to someone who wants nothing more than to bring Adam down.