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engagemachine · 1 year ago

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This is totally random but can you imagine Taylor doing a cute little tik tok about an outfit she really likes because she sees videos like that all the time, and the Joker sees men commenting on her video, would he make her take it down?

Um, first of all, OMG. This ask has been living rent-free in my brain ALL FREAKING DAY. I couldn't wait to come home to answer it.

Secondly, it hadn’t really ever occurred to me that Taylor might have a TikTok, mostly because I imagine the timeline of Burn to be like, idk… 2010? Maybe? I don’t ever specify the year because I don’t want to pigeonhole myself in a box in terms of what I can reference in regards to the media and with regard to current events -- and ultimately it's not terribly important to the plot, anyway....

but for the sake of this headcanon, we'll say Taylor does have a TikTok, mostly because our baby girl just wants to be SEEN, okay, so her very first video is a little try-on video of some really cute outfit she's thrifted -- she's so proud of her thrift store finds -- and she posts the video and is so excited every time she receives a notification for a comment. Her heart gives an excited little pulse as she opens the notification...

Some of the comments are from other girls. "OMG SO cute" and "love it", but then she's biting down on her lip and her cheeks are flushing when she reads the comments from men -- usually much older ones, if their pictures are anything to go by.

Some of the comments are pretty benign. "Pretty" and "beautiful young lady" and "whats your snap" -- but some of the comments are a lot more detailed. More graphic.

In the video, she's spinning to show off her new skirt, and in one comment she's told to take off her panties next time, then bend over. Another comment says, "tight little body" and, to her mortification, another that simply reads, "so fuckable". She reads further down the list, feeling horrified -- ashamed -- as more comment notifications ping on her phone. "wanna lick you from top to bottom", "fucking tease. she knows what she's doing", and "saving this for later" with a yellow 'thumbs up' emoji.

It sends a flurry of emotions fluttering in her tummy. Nathan had always told her she was ugly -- worthless -- and only Mr. J had ever really made her feel special. Pretty.

But now all these other men are complimenting her, too, and she doesn't really know how to feel about it. A part of her is secretly -- maybe horrifically -- a little pleased. But another much bigger part of her feels disgusted with herself. She hadn't meant to show off her body. She hadn't meant to do anything, really, she just thought her outfit was cute. Is it so bad to have wanted that? To want to be seen?

Later, she lies in bed curled up on her side, reading every comment under the safety of the covers, just in case Mr. J walks in. She doesn't want him to see. He'd be so angry if he knew.

The comments trickle in slowly over a period of a few more days. The video has a little over a thousand views, which Taylor thinks is a lot, especially for a first video.

But then, a few days later, the video is abruptly gone, and she realizes she's been locked of her account.

"What the heck?" she murmurs, once again tucked under the warm cavern of her covers, even though Mr. J isn't home and probably won't be for a few hours.

She sits up in bed, untangling herself from the sheets. Her face is shrouded in the white light from her phone as she retypes her password, five times and then seven, before finally searching for her account on the app, but it's gone. Like it was never even there.

She pouts about it for the whole next day. She had 143 followers, which isn't a lot, but she was thinking about posting more videos, and now she can't unless she makes another account, and what's the point now that all of her followers are gone? She'd have to start all over from scratch.

Mr. J notices her sour mood after a whole day of sulking around the house, because of course he notices. He corners her in the hallway during the late afternoon. The TV's on in the living room, a quiet murmur, and blades of orange sunlight slice through the half-opened blinds, long tiger stripes stretching across the carpet. Taylor tries to move past Mr. J -- not in the mood to talk -- but he grips her by her chin, his long fingers digging into her jaw as he forces her to look at him.

"Not that I'm uh, not enjoying this sweet, pouty little face of yours," he says, his thumb briefly stroking along the line of her jaw, "but what's got my girl's panties in such a twist? Hm?"

Taylor flushes, knowing that she can't explain. "It's nothing," she says, looking away, because it's so hard to lie to him.

Mr. J's brows arch into his hairline, which would almost be comical if she weren't toeing the borderline of fear. There's no way she's getting out of this without telling him. He always gets his way.

"Doesn't seem like nothing," he says. "Seems like a whole lot of something."

Taylor reaches up with both hands to try to pry his hand off her face, but he doesn't budge, only grips tighter, briefly smushing her cheeks together with his fingers.

"Alright!" she cries.

He releases his grip, but only slightly.

"Alright," she says again, this time softer. "It's just... I posted a video, okay? On--online, and it got taken down and I don't know why! I didn't even do anything wrong."

She pauses to take a breath, then nervously glances up into Mr. J's black, steely eyes.

"A video," he says, almost a question, but not quite. His expression is eerily calm. Unreadable. Taylor squirms under his gaze, wishing he'd let go of her jaw already, which is starting to ache.

"I was just trying on clothes. It wasn't anything like--"

"You were trying on clothes?" he repeats, interrupting her, and Taylor feels a lightning bolt of fear splice through her.

"No!" she cries. "I mean, I--I was, but I wasn't naked. I was already dressed. I was just--just showing off my outfit. That's all, Mr. J, I swear--"

"And what exactly were you, uh--" he pauses to work his mouth, his tongue briefly snaking out to wet his lower lip, "hoping to gain out of 'showing off'?"

Taylor swallows nervously, her eyes darting back and forth between his. The sun in the living room window behind him has dipped lower, and those tiger stripes elongate even further across the carpet, stretching all the way until Taylor can feel the warmth of the beams on her bare toes.

"Daddy isn't paying enough attention to you, is that it?" he says, before Taylor has a chance to answer. "You felt like you had to go online -- when I veeeery ex-plic-it-ly told you not to -- to parade yourself around for everyone to see? For everyone to see what's mine?"

Taylor whimpers, because he's squeezing her jaw and cheeks so hard it hurts.

"I--I'm so sorry, Mr. J. It wasn't like that," she whimpers. "I didn't think--"

"No," he agrees. "You didn't." She stares at him, trembling, and watches his nostrils flare. His gaze is somewhere behind her--just for a moment--just long enough for her to know he's eyeing the mussed sheets of their empty bed through the open door of their bedroom. "Well," he says, after a long, loaded pause, allowing his dark eyes to settle back on her, "if it's attention you're after, daddy'll give it to you."

Suddenly, he shoves her backwards--still holding onto her, so she doesn't fall--as he forces her to stumble backwards into their bedroom. His eyes are dangerous. Feral. "Daddy'll give you plenty."

#anonymous #asks #Burn #Taylor #I have SEEN the comments men leave on TikTok videos and they are truly APPALLING #these are really just the tip of the ice-berg #anyway #mini fic #DIDN'T PROOFREAD THIS idk I wrote this all in one siting hope it doesn't suck

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wench-and-jezebel · 2 years ago

Text

Dark Angel Reaction: Pollo Loco

Jezebel (@typicalopposite) reacts [with occasional asides by Wench (@scripted-downfall)]

The pre-episode conversation:

Wench: Here it is. You ready? ARE YOU READY???

Jezebel: YUSSSSS

Wench: I CAN'T HEAR YOU: ARE YOU READY??!?!?!

Jezebel: YUSSSSSSSSSSS

Wench: Okay. OKAY. Here. We. Go.

Jezebel: AHHHHHHHHHH! READYYYY????

Wench: YESSS

Jezebel: 3! 2! 3! 4! 5!

Wench: alsdkfjladskjf Gooooo

Jezebel: 4! 3! 2! 1! GOOOOO

– – –

GOD DAMN NOW A LIVE CHICKEN… Ma’am!

Foreshadowing

I FEEL YA OC

I FEEEL YAAAA OC! ☠️☠️

It’s Ben [Ben ded] Oh? [That's what they just said; they found a dead body with a barcode, and it's Ben] Well now I’m confused

Bby Ben [He was a storyteller :(] 😭😭😭

Wot? [Was this about the Nomlies?] I think yeah lol [Nomlies are, essentially, Manticore rejects. Flawed genetics, personalities, etc, to the point that they've been moved to the basement for reprogramming or permanent retirement]

…. Wait. Wait. 🤔🤔🤔🤔 WAIT. Isn’t that how she… Is this 🤔🤔🤔 [SPEAK] Is this the future and the episode is leading up to the death? [*whistles*]

[Nope. I just lied to you] You. My friend. Are a *redacted OFMD!Izzy cursing*

[Ma'am didn't say the nickname :(] LINTLICKERRR [There we go] 🙂

OOOOHHHH AHHHHH [This is a thing now :)] LIKE FUCKING NAILLSSSSS ON A CHALKBOARD

Bruh [Ma'am didn't even wait for a response] WHY NOT TELL HIM [Max is being Max again, what can I say] *sigh*

[I'm actually starting to recognize the kids this go-round]

Holy hell deep voice

[I don't know if that kid's dealing with the tryptophan thing btw]

When he said the blue lady was he referring to the Virgin Mary? [Yup. Ben storytelling again]

ACKLESSSSS HAS ARRIVEDDDD [He has indeed]

BUDDY WHATCHA DOING 👀👀👀 [Being homicidal. As one does.]

👀👀👀

Well damn

[Okay, look. I know we know that she was lying. But to be fair. It's kinda ridiculous that they act like the kids would all be recognizable. It's been. 11. Years.] Yeah that’s fair… But I mean I think I look like me from 11 years ago ☠️ [You didn't go through puberty in that time tho. I think they were like. 9]

["Closest thing to a brother" Bitch, ZACH IS SUPPOSED TO FILL THAT SPOT] Excuse you Zach doesn’t need to be filling no spots 👀😮‍💨🤢 [MA'AM WATCH THE SHOW]

‘Cause I’m an angsty bitchhhhhhh *sigh*

[Church] Time to repent. Then kill the priest. Then repent again. ["There's things, there's…people… feelings that I want to experience differently than I have before"] 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Awww man… Teef. That’s brutal. Blech [“Summer teef. Sum 're teef, sum 'ren't”] ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

☠️☠️☠️☠️ Noooo

Priest is like… ma’am you gud [No, she ain't]

I had stuff to say but Ackles has reappeared instead (like an Angel)

Oooh jumpscare

The smileee

The smile is gone 🙁

Uhhh no… I don’t

Speed run ["Blurring," in the in-universe speak]

☠️☠️☠️ I swear he comes in so randomly WITH GROCERIES like

– – –

Wench: What were you saying when Ackles showed up? alskdjf

Jezebel: 😮‍💨😮‍💨 It was a joke and I don’t fully remember it enough to retype ☠️ Ackles just rewired my brain and it erased. Irrelevant. Non existent.

Wench: :))) Fair

Jezebel: But noooo the smile at Max 😮‍💨😮‍💨 I- I swoo— I’m married sir how dare you

Wench: Nooo

Jezebel: I- I have forgotten how to midpoint! All I wanna do is fangirl rn ☠️ and he’s only been in two scenes

Wench: I almost spilled my cereal at that one alksdjflaksdjf But I understand completely

Jezebel: Will be a better endpoint

Wench: Aight… on we go?

Jezebel: YESSSS

– – –

The priest is gonna get ded

“Faith in the lady” That’s… ok 🤣🤣🤣

Priest is like… shit. Time to find another line of work

[The eagerness with which he seized on the soldier explanation 😭] 😭😭😭

“The lady” I’m dying

Oh noooo

I fucking jumped

["I'm not a liar"... murder = okay, lying = not. This says something]

Ok I see what he’s doing I think

I’d be ded. “Slide the wot IN WHERE!?! Pretty boy help!”

“Click”? Oh, or maybe it was loaded after all

Poor priest

A lot, lady. A lot

[Poor Ben having a crisis of faith :(] 💔💔💔 Damn. It be like that kid

Oooop [He invaded her perch] He gonna start talking in circles now [He already did... Devour-coded] ☠️☠️☠️☠️

[THIS IS THE "SHE"! (The one I said to be concerned about)] Ohhhh… That wants the kids killed? [Yup]

[X5-493 = Ben, btw] 494 Alec? [Yup. And X5-452 = Max, iirc]

Ohhhhh military Karen [She calls him Deck] Milataren… Lintlicker and Militaren.

[Oop- Ben is back. Important scene!]

Bruh he looked back like oh shit [She annoys me here too btw. Like. bro, your brother is clearly losing himself. And you're more interested in being bitchy about it than being caring. “Bet he’d love to figure out what the hell went wrong with you.” Whyyyy did that need to be said?]

Lintlicker is like a fucking dog fighter with his little gaggle of pit bulls

Oh shit, crazy kids [Azazel-coded] Ooooof, trueee [I heard it in his voice alksdj]

[he wears fine blood well] ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️ [Sorry, kinda had to]

Logan whatchu doin [He sneak]

Lintlicker whatchu doin [He protecc his kid]

Oooop- Logan you been had

["You think because she's so pretty, she isn't as dangerous?" Bruh, there was a whole unit designed to use attraction as a weapon asldkfj *cough cough* Alec] ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

[I'd be concerned about Ben too, tbh]

Ooooop [“Do you hate yourself that much?” Yes He does. Have you not been watching?]

[This woman sees her brother losing himself and is like. Aight. I got this. Let me make it worse!] ☠️☠️☠️

AHHHH

NOOOOO

THE SAD

OMG HIS HEIGHTTT. It’s visible here

YOU COULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT THE WHOLE TIME??? [Her physical acting there was so weird]

Ooooop

Oh. The forest. THE forest. Ack. ACKKKK. [:)]

[This man playing the actual original comic book villain: "It seems his faith wasn't strong enough."] RIGHT

OH CRAZY SMILE

BRUH

HOLY SHIT

Oh. Oh that’s broken. Ack

OH SHIT

ACK

AAAAAAACK ["Ben, I can't carry you; we'll both get caught" Bitch, tell that to your pilot-episode self]

ACKKKKKKK

HIS VOICE [I KNOW]

ACHKKS

Nooooooo

Why couldn’t you just do it

Why

We don’t need a story

Ack

Ooooof

Ack [Coherency has gone bye-bye]

Welp… Ack

Mood, Max

I’m

Ack

Also tho. The thing back then isn’t entirely fair they were kids

The priest is gonna be like…. Nope

[Priest survived, but he also has a weirdo barcode tattooed on his neck, and that's gonna make his life hella tricky in s2] Ohhhh, he comes back? [Nope. They forget about it. But everyone learns about the Manticore barcodes. And that's the main way of IDing transgenics. So like… Buddy boutta get slammed.] ☠️☠️☠️☠️ Fair

– – –

Jezebel: So, like, endpoint…. What even is an endpoint?

Wench: "Ack,” perhaps?

Jezebel: What even is life? I’m not ok

Wench: I broke you alskdjf

Jezebel: … Ack. Which is like ack…les. So even more ack. I hope you and the minions are satisfied. Evil. Evillllll! ACKKKK!!!!! I AINT EVEN GET ANY JAM PONY TO MAKE IT BETTER

Wench: Okay, but s2 is better! Alec is only three episodes away!

Jezebel: I got two seconds of OC- THAT’S A WHOLE THREE HOURS AWAY! 😭 180 minutes

Wench: Do you see what I mean about it being the best episode of season 1 though?

Jezebel: Yes! It very much so was!

Wench: HAH!

Jezebel: Also noooooo the titleeee makessss sense nowwwwww!!! Ackkkkkkkkk What am I doing with this pain???? It’s like a reverse gift

Wench: You just kinda acked your way through the emotional scenes; I sent the script so you can compose your thoughts :)

Jezebel: Ohhhh. Well… That was a lot of 😦 Like, I get him going crazy. Also, I think I missed a part of Logan saying he had been doing this for a while (How long is the part I missed)

Wench: I don't think they said how long it was. But, regardless, Lydecker's been covering for Ben. Shutting down the investigations and all.

Jezebel: And, about that… On one hand I could go the anti Lintlicker route and say he’s only covering his ass because the woman wants to put them down and he doesn’t want to. And it’s nothing about him caring about them or anything. But I could also go the pro Lydecker route and say he was trying to cover it up to get to him so they could in his eyes fix the problem and he would have another “kid” home.

Wench: I think it's probably a mix of both, tbh. He does care about them, but, like we've discussed, in a twisted kinda way? So it might have been a "bring him home if we can" kinda thing. And… thoughts on Max?

Jezebel: She was meh at best this episode but the end, with the story, I really felt for her.

Wench: Yeah, I get that. I don't fully agree --- I think her handling of the Ben situation was pretty atrocious, tbh, even if it did end up working for a bit --- but otherwise... yeah, not bad. And the end was kinda hard to fully hold against her. (Also, talk about a picturesque death scene alsdkfj)

Jezebel: Right?! Like, oh, let’s have this lovely scenery, and plop a dead kid in his sister’s arms… oh, and sister is the murderer… Like… Wot? Ack

Wench: Also, the childishness of the way he was speaking tho 😭

Jezebel: I KNOWWW 😭😭😭😭 Budddyyyyy

Wench: Honestly, the character as a whole has that quality. He's so... beseeching. Legitimately, all he wants is someone to understand 😭 He tries to get that with the priest in the confessional --- "I'm a soldier"--- and with Max at the tower --- "Don’t tell me you don’t wake up with the sound of your heart pounding in your ears." --- and then again with Max at the end. Even the goading-Max-into-hitting-him bit. He wanted her to understand the violence and she didn't even give him that 😭

Jezebel: 🥺🥺🥺 I just 😭😭😭😭 He’s such a good actorrrrr 😭😭😭

Wench: Agreed... *sigh* But there ya go! Ben episode!

Jezebel: *sigh* indeed!

Wench: Final thoughts?

Jezebel: … ACK

#dark angel #dark angel reactions #reactions #episode reactions #s01e17 #pollo loco #max guevara #logan cale #ben #jensen ackles #jezebel (pr)

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hajimesbestdefender · 2 years ago

Text

i saw this essay while i was trying to find kmhn and i have so many thoughts..

if you want to read my thoughts i recommend reading them as you read the sections because thats how i wrote it

okay i'll go chapter by chapter (there are 5 chapters)

chapter 1: faqs

faq #1: the blatant homophobia towards the women youre trying to "protect" in this is very ironic to me. your point here is just plainly incorrect. how on earth does wlw ships further the ideology that women only want men for sex? and what is with the shaming women for not being virgins? there is nothing inherently wrong with having sex, having a sexual past, or anything of the sort. you sexualized these women. miu & sonia have done nothing wrong, and deserve the equal opportunity to be in a relationship and be loved.

faq #2: it *is* simply a matter of preference. there is nothing wrong w preferring makoto/byakuya, hajime/nagito, or kokichi/suichi. yes, those characters (kyoko, chiaki, and kaede) were written to be the protagonists respective love intrest. however, when has a fandom *not* shipped a character with someone who wasnt their love intrest? i can give several examples. it is not down to gender. people can see themselves represented through these relationships, they can hold the belief that those ships work better for the characters, or they can plain like the dynamic better. it does not matter.

faq #3: ...what? that makes no sense. the whole question doesnt make sense. im just not gunna adress it, but it is there.

faq #4: those crushes could be arguable. however, there was a slight hesitation from nagito when he said it, leading many people to believe that. i dont know enough about v3 to speak on that other part.

chapter 2: nagami

once again, it comes down to preference. you cannot controls someones preference. if they like naegami? fine! if they like naegiri? fine! it does not *matter*. at the end of the day, these two ships are perfectly resonable, and do no harm. therefore, both should equally be resepcted. the reason why naegami has more fics on ao3 because people prefer it more. simple as that.

also, this exact senario has happened before in another fandom. in the hp fandom, hinny (harry/ginny, his current wife) is less popular than drarry (draco/harry, his rival). and yk what? they have damn near the same dynamic as naegami. the simple thing is: people prefer the dynamic more. it is not misogynistic to prefer a dynamic. (i could go into a whole ass tangent on how similiar draco and byakuya are, but i digress)

chapter 3: komahina

i could ramble day in and day out abt this ship, but i dont feel like retyping all of it so ima just ss my original ramble to my friends in discord.

(apologies for going off track for a little, PLS IGNORE THE PFP 😭)

moving on, you mentioned nagito lied about having cancer. he didnt. he said he had stage 4 malignant lymphoma and front mental dementia. both of which were never implied to be lies.

"chiaki died for him and the rest of the class"

oh, do you mean in the real world, where she was brutality murdered so class 77 could become brainwashed, and how hajime was already too far gone at that point? or do you mean in the simulation, where they had zero chance of getting out without leaving chiaki behind because she was ai and apart of the system? or the time she had to be executed to save the rest of the group? thats not an act of romance, it was quite literally life or death. in 2 of those situations, it makes no logical sense for chiaki to live and have the rest of the group die. shes a team player, through and through.

chapter 4: saiouma

chapter 5: stats

it comes down to prefrence. there is no misogyny here. it is just people preferring one ship over the other. nothing more, nothing less. this is getting embarrassing atp.

also, as someone pointed out in the comments: kokichi & suichi just have a lot more screen time tg. kokichi made it to chapter 5 & kaede made it to chapter 1 so theres more content to work off.

chiriho: ...you missed their entire story arc!! not suprising you dont actually pay attention to stuff. ALSO!! the transmisogny!! and, to top it all off: youre a terf. whos fucking suprised. chiriho hid under the cover as a woman because they were afraid. thats it. they wanted to become stronger and braver. thats their arc. you red far too into it to come to the conclusions you came to. (using they/them on chiriho bcs i felt like it)

sonia: youre promoting purity culture. women do not need so save their virginity for anyone. nor does anyone. virginity is something given up when that person is ready. sonia was ready. so she gave it up. shouldnt that be a symbol of women empowerment? (note: i hate the concept of virginity as a whole, literally just have sex nobody gives a fuck.)

miu: "she doesnt deserve to be called a woman because of how preverted she acts." you wrote this whole essay as a callout for what you precieve as misogyny. however, throughout the entire damn thing you promoted misogynistic take after take. you basically just said in fujisaki's section that women shouldnt be pushed into a box, and yet,,, youre here telling women they cant be sexual beings? that they have to be pure, clean, and submit to men? miu didnt do anything wrong. she expressed herself in the way she saw fit, and YOURE mad that the way she did so didnt fit your standards? get the fuck out of here, weirdo.

final thoughts:

op has been continuously misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic throughout this entire read. it is disgusting. now, this can be a blatant troll, but at the same time this is still perpetuating a very disgusting view on women and what they should be. as an afab, i'm disgusted. this is appaling. you disregard so many women writing this. queer women, women who didnt save themselves for marriage (because god forbid women do what they want to do.), or any woman that doesnt fit in your little box. you say youre against misogyny, but this is the most apparent example ive ever seen of a woman with internalized misogyny. if youre being serious? i truly hope you recieve the help you need, and do some interal work trying to combat this. writing 2,643 words worth of fictional parings you dont like when you can simply ignore it and walk outside is just sad. if youre a troll? fuck you.

(also, before you question that "writing 2,643..." line, i wouldve left it alone, but i happened to see it whilst on a 2 hour car ride to thanksgiving and i was bored as shit. sue me.)

EDIT: i came back to this because kendrick dropped euphoria and the hating he did in that song reminded me of my greatest hating moment: this post

#yeah idk how the fuck to tag this #hajime hinata #chiaki nanami #nagito komaeda #makoto naegi #byakuya togami #kyoko kirigiri #shuichi saihara #kaede akamatsu #kokichi ouma

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killemwithkawaii · 2 years ago

Note

(This might get copied to my s/i info if I don’t feel like retyping so if you see it there that’s why lmao)

So I think I’m going to have diverging plots/aus that are mainly the same base, much like how my tma s/i works(which I also haven’t written down whoops). Idk if you want to hear about this but here it is so 👉👈

We’ve got your classic “no one dies” but with the caveat of “except for the cult members” but no one else has to die like in the apartment building or anything. Just some dork ass besties hanging out and occasionally dealing with ghosts. (And I mean. Also canon typical “I hate Sal’s dad fuck off what’s his name again? Henry? Fuck off Henry”)

Also my “I’m the braincell here” aka “help Sal get away with Murder” where the apartment massacre still happens (Larry doesn’t actually die though, he isn’t successful in killing himself but he’s fine from the darkness), but my s/i goes into crisis mode (which is very much take charge and plan focused) and makes sure Sal isn’t caught. (Which yes I do have a detailed plan of! Disclaimer that there are likely holes in this plan and irl it likely wouldn’t work but! First thing is to be seen in public together before the killing (in this Sal tells s/i before he actually does it). My s/i being very visible helps with this. They go to some sort of restaurant but don’t actually eat there, just order takeout and make sure they’re seen. Next they go back to s/i’s place where they loudly announce to their roommate(s) that they and Sal will be having a stay-in date in their room. When they’re in and the door is locked they instruct Sal to change into some of their old clothes they don’t care about and to leave his clothes, shoes, prosthetics, and phone in their room. He is then to sneak out the window, do the killing as needed, stay away from the cameras, and get as little blood on him as possible. After he gets back he has to put all the borrowed clothes in a plastic bag before sneaking back in. The next day s/i sets up a bonfire to burn the clothes and bag (they, much like I, love bonfires anyway so this isn’t unusual and they have materials for it), even if it doesn’t look like there’s any blood. They break the handle of the knife off from the blade and burn the surface of it clean, throwing the handle in to burn entirely.) Not actually sure if Todd is infected? Haven’t decided. If he is he’ll still get better I just don’t know if I want the extra angst. I also have like cover story stuff but that’s a bit more complicated to explain.

I have the forensic major one but it’s literally just one scene and I might just make it part of the first one? But usually I imagine my s/i as an art major because I like art and will maybe major in it when I’m able to get back into school. Hmmmm maybe forensic minor? It’s just because like. The damage a gun would cause is just?? So different from a dog?? Why does no one bring that up they are such different injuries! And the (abridged)scene is Sal showing my s/i (who probably needs a name that isn’t Matt because using that feels like I’m talking in the third person and I don’t like it) his face and they’re like “you said,,, you were attacked by a dog…?” “Yeah. Why?” “You don’t have to lie just to have an explanation Sal, I’d be perfectly happy not knowing what happened, that’s your trauma to tell or not tell.” “What are you talking about? What the hell I’m not lying.” “Sal. I’m serious, you don’t have to tell me but just say that. I’m literally in school for things like this, it is physically impossible for a dog to have done this.”(note that my interpretation of what the damage from the attack was is based on the real life case of Chrissy Steltz) “…what?” “There’s a lot of bone damage a dog couldn’t have done without causing lots of other injuries you don’t have.” “What,,, what do you think it was then?” “Sal I told you I don’t have to know, it’s clearly upsetting you, you’re shaking like a leaf.” “Please! …please tell me what you think.” “It looks like a shotgun shot hit your face.” (There’d be some hugging and crying here because it probably really fucked Sal up to not be believed by his dad when he was a kid. Seriously Henry that definitely should have been a fucking sign you pos)

Also the one with “operation save Travis” which is half formed and is just where I’m putting scenes with everyone being besties with Travis in secret. In some my s/i pretends to be a cis girl and is his beard. Idk I just think he deserves friends and a hug.

Also my Sal is trans. He’s just he/him and is a gnc trans guy, which also gives extra weight to the “Sally face” nickname and his reclamation of it. My s/i likes making fake things for “Sal” to be short for, many of which aren’t even actually names.

Sorry if this was annoying 🖤

-🌌

[relating to this post and this post]

[CW: Abuse, addiction, mental illness, death, violence, blood, injury, homophobia, gaslighting, unsanitary, lime, game spoilers, k.e.w.k. overshares]

>'Only the cult members die' aus are so valid. I mean, I love me some whump, but sometimes you gotta let the good guys have a flawless win (perhaps with the help of your s/i) 🏆✨

>Unpopular opinion: While I understand your Henry hate, as someone who also has a father who became a verbally abusive alcoholic after my mothers passing, I think it's fair to say that Henry is flawed and definitely did some fucked up shit, but he was also genuinely trying and made great improvement over the years. Yes, he lashed out at Sal in at least one instance of grief-stricken frustration and it is 1000% not cool to drink to the point that your child finds you passed tf out in the middle of the day, but he was very kind and encouraging to Sal in ch1, worked long hours to adequately support him, and it seems like he'd pretty much completely cleaned up his act by ch4- All that doesn't at all excuse his behavior, but do try to cut him just a little bit of slack. /end rant

>'Im the braincell here': Sounds like a pretty solid plan to me, though you gotta make sure to have Sal scrub himself down head to toe in the shower asap in case he got blood in his hair or on his skin, and dispose of the bonfire ash juuust in case. It might also help to leave the TV on or have a recording of you two to play in the bedroom while you're away- a completely quiet bedroom date might seem a little strange... 🤔 (some risqué audio would also explain why he's showering after sdlfkjas)

>'Forensic major': I think that the fandom collectively decided it was a dog attack pre-ch5s release because of Kenneths dog-shaped silhouette in the infamous ch2 intro scene, and has persisted because the scene of the actual attack is difficult to unlock in ch5, but I don't believe anyone actually says it was a dog attack in-game. Sal says it was a 'dog man' that did it, which sounds ridiculous, considering the wounds are clearly from a firearm, which is why Sals story was always dismissed (I also think that Henrys hostility in that flashback scene in ch5 was due to Sal not understanding what death was and frequently speaking about Diane like she was coming home. I'm sure Henry had tried to explain it to Sal more calmly multiple times before that, and that scene was when he reached his breaking point and lost his composure. Still not at all okay, but grief is an ugly thing...). Considering all that, maybe that scene in your AU should be about Sal saying he was attacked by a 'dog', your s/i knowing his wounds are clearly not from a dog attack, and after some prodding, he explains the whole story for the first time since he was shut down as a child?

>Brah I got 6+ s/is named Mitch who I talk about in third person (its weird but you get used to it lol)

>'Operation Save Travis': Hell yes! Travis needs some friends, even if they have to be kept secret, and who knows, maybe his dad will lay off him if he thinks Trav got himself a normie GF to do hetero stuff with 🤷‍♂️

>TRANS SAL TRANS SAL YES YES YES YES x10000 (here are some hcs about that if you'd like to see them~) 🚹🌈🌈🌈

>One of these days, I gotta make an ongoing list of stuff 'Sal' could be short for that are also not names... there's A Lot, and I'm sure he'd get a kick out of them lol

Thanks for sharing, 🌌 anon! I'm glad you've been having fun with all your AUs~ 🤗💖

#k.e.w.k. answers #🌌 anon #sally face AU #sal fisher #travis phelps #lime #tw abuse #tw death #tw injury #tw blood #tw violence #tw homophobia #tw gaslighting #tw unsanitary #spoilers #k.e.w.k. overshares #me 🤝 sal: similar tragic backstory (only i was not shot in the face lol)

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shop-korea · 8 months ago

Video

youtube

Too cute! Pokémon Hotel Experience in Kyoto 😴🛏 MIMARU HOTEL

CAPITAL - ONE - THEY - HAVE - CHECKING

TOLL - FREE - CREDIT - CARD - TOLL FREE

CHECKING - TOLL - FREE

NUTSOS - FEMALE VIRTUAL

VOICE - EVERYONE - HAS A

CHECKING - ACCOUNT

CAPITAL ONE - FREE - CHECKING

360 - PERSONAL - CHECHING

360 - PREMIUM - SAVINGS

BECAUSE - BOTH - GIVE - INTEREST

CRAZY - AMERICANS

CHECKING - TOLL - FREE

VIRTUAL - WOMAN - BEYOTCH

‘HOW - CAN - I - HELP - YOU - TODAY’

8A - EDT

ONLY - SAY - THIS

‘OPEN - NEW - ACCOUNT’

JUST - THAT - U - WILL - B - CONNECTED

2 A - PERSON

OLD - ACCOUNTS - CAN - B - TRICKY

WHEN - CAPITAL - ONE - IS - EXTREMELY

WAS - A - SICK - APP - SICK - WEBSITE SO

BAD - CHECKING - CREDIT - CARDS - WAS

SO - BAD - HARD - 2 - DEAL - WITH - THUS

MY - PERSONAL - INFO

MINNIE - MOUSE

NAME

LAST - NAME

MOUSE

I - GUESSED - NO - ONE - WAS - ABLE - TO

HELP - ME - BY - PHONE - NO - ONE

ONLINE - STATED

RE-START - APPLICATION

GLITZ - SERVER - 2 - SLOW

AOL - SAID - ‘NO - INTERNET’ - CONNECTION

FROM - CAPITAL - ONE - FREE - WIRELESS

BUT - PROBLEM - I - DIAGNOSED

OUR - PROFILE INFO

MINNIE MOUSE

FIRST

LAST

MOUSE

THE - ‘M’ - PART - IS - THE - PROBLEM

I - CALLED - MALE - HE - SAID - I WILL

TRANSFER - U 2 - CHECKING

MY - TAKE - EXCEPTION - APPLY 4 ME

HE - SAID - OTHER - SAID

OUR - COMPUTER - SAYS

FIRST

MINNIE

LAST

MOUSE

TRANSFER - BACK - GOT - THE - SAME

MALE - MULE - SO - LIED - ABOUT WHAT

OTHER - GUY - SAID - STUPID - INDIA M

I - SAID - HE - SAID - 2 - DO - THIS

I - RECOGNIZE - OUR - VOICE

PROFILE - INFO

YOUR - NAME - CAPITAL - ONE

DOESN’T - GIVE - U - ACCESS

SO - 8A - ANOTHER - GROUP

I - SAID - PROFILE - INFO

RETYPE - MY - NAME

THEN - CLICK - SAVE

RETYPE - MINNIE - THEN - CLICK - SAVE

SO - HE - SAID - GO - 2 - CAPITAL - ONE

APP - CLICK - YES - TOOK - MORE THAN

1 MINUTE - HIS - STUPID - COMPUTER

HE’s - INDIA - DIRECT - HIS - DUMB PC

HE - TYPED

FIRST

MINNIE

CLICKED - SAVE

WENT - BACK - GAVE - 1 FULL - MINUTE

CHECKED - MY - NAME - THERE

THAT - WAS - THE - SOLUTION

STARTED - AGAIN - HE - WAS

GOING - 2 - HANG - UP

I - SAID - I’M - PARTIALLY - BLIND

I - RECEIVE - SSI - DISABILITY

FOR - BLINDNESS - ALSO - PARTIALLY

DEAF - HE - NEEDED - 2 B - ASKED TO

STAY - SINCE - HE - WAS - ALREADY

THERE - GOT - IT - GOT - IN - AND SO

DIDN’T - SHARE - WHAT - I - SAW

‘THANK - YOU - 4 - HELPING ME’

‘THANK - YOU - 4 - STAYING’

‘HAVE - A - GREAT - DAY’

HANGED - UP - WHILE - HE - TALKED

I - EXPLAINED - AFTER - SEEING - LESS

THAN - 2 DAYS - REPRESENTATIVE WILL

CONTACT - ME - NOT - LOTUS HOUSE

MIAMI - FLORIDA - EMPOWERING YES

HOMELESS - WOMEN - WITH - SHELTER

AND - JOBS - U - DON’T - LEAVE - THEM

UNTIL - THEY - FIND - U - A - SHELTER

PILLOW - AND - BLANKET - INCLUDED

SHOWERS - AND - FOOD

NO - CONTACT - SINCE

I - EXPLAINED - 2 - CREDIT - CARD

INDIA - MALE

MY - BANK - IS - LOUSY - ALWAYS

ATM - IS - NOT - WORKING - EVER

WORKED - THEY’RE - MAKING ME

MISERABLE - WANT - 2 - TRANSFER

MY - SSI - 2 - CAPITAL - ONE

CHECKING - LEAVE - FIFTH - THIRD

BANK - THAT - SERVES - ONLY

11 - STATES

CAPITAL - ONE - FREE - CHECKING

2 ATMS - SEPARATE - ENTRY - AND

EXIT - ATTACHED - 2 - THEIR - CAFE

FREE - NO - MINIMUM - INTEREST 2

NO - MONEY - NEEDED - RIGHT NOW

BOTH - CHECKING - AND - SAVINGS

MY - SOCIAL - SECURITY

8A - MANDATORY

U - HAVE - 2 - CALL - 2 - GIVE

BANK - CHECKING - NO

BANK - ROUTING - NO

I’M - VERY - EARLY - 4 - NEXT - MONTH

MAY - 2024 - GUARANTEED - CAPITAL

ONE - RECEIVES - MY - SSI - DISABILITY

$943 - I - GET - 2 DAYS - EARLY - BUT SO

NICE - 2 - FINALLY - ENTER - PORTAL

MY - SOCIAL - SECURITY

LEE COUNTY - FORT MYERS - BLOCKED

FR - ACCESSING - BECAUSE - I - HAD - A

DESKTOP - HP - ALSO - HP - 34 INCH

PANORAMIC - SCREEN - AND - YES I

COULDN’T - GET - IN - HP - LAPTOP

$888.88 - WINDOWS 11 AMAZON PRIME

COULDN’T - GET - IN - BUT - MIAMI - FL

OVER - 457,000 - HP - TOUCHSCREEN

14 INCH - LAPTOP - BLUETOOTH AND

WEB CAMERA - I’M - IN - GOT - IN - YES

SO - CALCULATING - HOW - MUCH - I

HAVE - LEFT - LESS - THAN - 2 DAYS

SO - IF - I’M - PAYING - NOT - FINAL

WITH - HEALTHCARE - FINANCE THE

DEBIT - CARD - WILL - B - CLOSED

SO - NO - MORE THEFTS - WITH THEM

CARD - JESUS - IS - LORD

AFTER - REVISING - CAILEY - BILLS

I’M - HEADED - 2 - MAIN - LIBRARY - 2

10:48A EDT - LONGEST - HERE - SO

APRIL - FREE - APP - EVEN - JUST

CREDIT - CARDS - NOOK - RESERVE

JUST - 2 HOURS - PER - PERSON FL

CALCULATING - NOW

LIFE - AS - HOMELESS

IN - MIAMI FLORIDA FL

TGIF - FRI - 22 MAR 24

SUCH - A - LONG - TIME - WITH

CAPITAL - ONE

THEIR - CHECKING - TELL FREE

SAY

‘OPEN - NEW - ACCOUNT’

ONLY - WAY - 2 - REACH - INDIA

ANY - PERSON - EVER

CAPITAL - ONE

TOOK - ME - BACK - AND - FORTH

INDIA - MALE - 2 - ANOTHER INDIA

MALE - TOOK - ME - 57 MINUTES

TOTAL - WITH - CAPITAL - ONE

CREDIT - CARD - 2 - CHECKING

57 MIN - TOTAL - NERVY JERKS

SOLUTION

RE-TYPE - MY - NAME

FIRST

MINNIE

LAST

MOUSE

AFTER - TYPING MY NAME - AGAIN

CLICK - SAVE

THAT’s - IT - SYSTEM - CHANGED

THEY ALWAYS PUNISH - LONG TIME

CUSTOMERS - WITH - NEW - TECH 2

#youtube

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molly-millers-writings · 1 year ago

Text

Leave Me In The Dark

I was scared

Of the outside

My stomach hurt

And I shook

When I first stepped out

I had a choice to make

And I chose you

Since I knew you

Back

When I wasn’t scared

I didn’t expect our past

To do me much good

Maybe encourage you

To give me grace

And patience

Thought that surely

Soon

We would just be strangers

At best

But then you did strange things

That my paranoid brain

Couldn’t make sense of

Where was the trick?

Manipulation?

Lies?

Mom said it was friendship

She was angry with me

That I didn’t call you friend

Then you

Invited me

With others

To go eat

Surely

Soon

You would get sick of me

Realize I am

Not very social

Not good for laughs

I was scared again

But I went

I didn’t know

How long I would have this chance

Once? Twice? Three times?

At most

How many times did we end up going?

When did I stop being scared?

Why were you kind?

I think at some point

I started calling you friend

You wanted to go hiking

Just you

And me

I started shaking

When texting you

I had to retype the same word

Over

And over

I was shaking

But I thought

You will get sick of me soon

You will soon realize that i am

Boring

Not useful

I don’t know how long

I can have this

So I went

And you weren’t sick of me

I found a happy place there

With you

I thought that was my last time

I dreamed of that happy place

And I prepared

For the ending

Then you asked to go somewhere

You and

I didn’t shake

I found another happy place

With you

I stopped worrying

About you getting sick

Of me

I tried to learn

What it meant

To be a good friend

I will try my best

To be good to you

I was invited

To see your friends

I didn’t shake

I’ve never had this

Enjoying peoples company

Without a part of me dying

Was it always this easy?

I used to feel sick

And exhausted

But…

When I’m done

Hanging out with you

I wonder

When does my happy place

Come back?

Then

I remember why I was scared

You reminded me

When you made that joke

That might not

Be a joke

Why do you say those things?

See no value

In yourself?

I have a friendship that doesn’t

Sting

Burn

Take

Leave

Please don’t leave

I’m trying my best to get you to stay

I’m no longer shaking

I’m no longer scared

I call you friend

You turned on a light

In my life

Please don’t

Leave me

In the dark

I’m scared

Of the dark

#poetry #friendship #anxiety

0 notes

vampiremakes · 2 years ago

Note

hello! i'm using simplistic flower, which is absolutely gorgeous! i was just wondering if it's possible for the tab links to be turned into regular links - i tried, but for some reason when i try to click on it, the links won't work. thanks again!

Hello! Yes, that is absolutely possible! In the code, you’ll want to find the part in the image below.

You’re going to change everything from below the text  all the way to where it says  , and you’re going to change it to this:

If you’re copying the text directly, you might have to retype the quotation marks in the code if it’s not working. The code should end up looking like this (*note, I forgot to add a second </div> behind each “linka” “linkb” etc in this image. Please refer to the code above, which has been updated!)

In the code, where it says LINKHERE you can then change the links to whatever url you want.

Remember to click ‘Update Preview’ before saving to make sure the theme doesn’t look wonky / that you haven’t done any of the steps above wrong!

#theme help #anonymous

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wienerbarnes · 4 years ago

Text

A Certain Romance (2/6)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 1,685

Warnings: not rlly anything

A/N: a lil bit of a deeper dive for these two’s relationship👀... enjoy!

MAIN MASTERLIST | A CERTAIN ROMANCE MASTERLIST

Your apartment is nice. Very you.

Sam invited him out to some restaurant, but after the last one he suggested, he decided to pass. And when Sam asked him what he was doing instead, if he was seeing you, Bucky lied and said yes. It made Sam happy and got him out of going to another ridiculous restaurant, so he saw it as a win-win.

Once Sam left, though, his thoughts did drift to what you were doing.

You two exchanged numbers at the pizza place after your date, but you two haven’t texted much. He texted you making sure you got home safe, which you did, and a day or so after, you texted him a picture of some advertisement with an awfully cheesy pick-up line written on it, which even he agreed was awful.

But that’s about it. So, he texts you.

Hey. What are u doing?

About to make dinner. Y?

Told Sam I was seeing u. Wanna hang out?

Come over.

Simple enough, he thinks.

You two haven’t had the most meaningful text conversations, clearly, but it’s still nice. No flirting, no typing and retyping messages in order to hook, line, and sinker, no ghosting. No relationship texting.

It was a dream for him. To have a new friend. He’s made plenty of friends, both in New York and in Wakanda. But it’s all under the same… umbrella. Always an agent, a fighter, an analyst of some sort. Someone to train with, to fight with, to fight for. Never someone like you. Someone that works a mundane job and lives in a mundane part of New York where her weekends are filled with going on mundane blind dates or otherwise cooking dinner for one.

It’s a breath of fresh air to not talk about fighting or missions or press or media or anything else he has to hear about at work. The only connection you have with Sam is that you met in a coffee shop a few years ago that has since closed down. He was one of your first friends here.

You could care less about Captain America, too. Which hurts Sam’s ego, and in turn, makes Bucky smile.

So, he goes over to yours.

He’s not sure what you’re making, but he brings a bottle of red wine as a courtesy. You are making dinner after all. Besides, women love wine, right?

Your apartment is nice. Very you.

Enough going on to show that someone does indeed live here, but also enough to show that you’re not exactly swimming in riches, like most people that live in this city.

The place smells like garlic and basil, and he’s glad that he brought the wine.

Shoes discarded at the door, he helps chop up the rest of the ingredients while you put a pot of water to boil. He chops up mushrooms, onion, pancetta, eyeing the bottle of vodka out on the table and tube of tomato paste next to his hand.

It's an understatement to say he’s excited. Most of the pasta he makes is from a bag of precooked noodles and a jar of tomato sauce.

Basic small talk floats through the air as the two of you dance around one another in the kitchen. Even though you’re “dating”, you don’t know much about each other. This isn’t too uncommon from how dating was for Bucky when he was a teenager; you’d marry women knowing very little about them.

Your favorite color is orange. You played violin in grade school. You had a childhood dog named Chowder. Bucky tells you his favorite color is green. He played a little bit of piano when he was younger, but did boxing in his late teens and early twenties before the war. You poke fun at him when he can’t remember the name of his own childhood dog.

“He’s probably rolling over in dog-heaven.”

“Good boy; he’d deserve a treat.”

You laugh.

Easy conversation continues on the couch as bowl after bowl of pasta is eaten and replenished. As fun and seemingly simple questions are asked, like each of your favorite movies or whether or not you pour the milk before the cereal, the room that’s left is used for deeper questions.

“What’s your most embarrassing moment?” You ask him.

He thinks for a moment before opening his mouth, only to close it again. “One time when Princess Shuri was fixing my arm it wasn’t secure completely, so it flew off while I was playing with some of the children.”

“That’s not your most embarrassing moment. I know it’s not, now you have to tell me what it really is.” You tease him.

He’s never been the best liar.

“You’re right, it’s not my most embarrassing moment. My actual most embarrassing moment is just kind of… sad. And I didn’t want to ruin the mood or anything.” He explains, hoping you’ll accept that but instead you give him an encouraging smile to hopefully give him some comfort that whatever it is he wants to tell you is safe in your apartment.

“Okay, uhm. So, in the 40’s, after I was rescued by Steve, but before we shipped out again where I was recaptured for the second and final time. We were all holed up in this little dance club, all the soldiers and their gals. And in walks Peggy Carter in a pretty red dress,” He begins, only glancing at your eyes periodically as if to make sure you’re still there.

“I know she’s Steve’s gal, he told me all about her. I wasn’t flirting with her because I wanted her, I was flirting with her… to make sure I still could. I mean, after being held in that… place… they injected me with stuff, told me things that weren’t true, I mean Steve told me I was repeating my number over and over again when he found me, I didn’t even remember doing that. I felt… violated, used, not like myself. I felt like I wasn’t me anymore.

“So, when Peggy walked in, I thought about how everyone always called me a ladies man, how good I was with women, I mean, I’d take girls out about every damn weekend, you know? I wanted to feel normal, so I flirted with her, tried to get her to dance with me. And she completely ignored me. She never even took her eyes off of Steve. It’s like I was invisible. And it just sort of felt like the nail in the coffin for whoever James Barnes was before the war. It was a realization that I’m never going to be that person again. And it was embarrassing for me.” He explains.

He hasn’t looked up at you again, but he heard your fork stop moving around your bowl a minute or so ago. He feels a lump in his throat thinking about that time, how he knew he’d never get back the man he was, even before knowing what was in store for him after falling off that train. How he used to be this man that wanted a long, happy marriage, six or seven kids running around a big backyard, a white picket fence surrounding a big two-story house in a neighborhood of identical homes. He wanted the cheesy life, at one point. But the same man that wanted that life died falling off a train many years ago.

All of that’s forgotten, though, when you open your mouth, and seem to say the perfect thing to make him feel better.

“One time in the third grade, this girl pulled my skirt down in front of my crush, and I wasn’t wearing any undies.”

A snort escapes his throat as you, somehow, after he’s shared something so deeply personal, something he never even told Steve or Sam about, still found a way to make him laugh. Which is what he wanted, he realizes. The comfort of moving on from that confession and not having to wallow in it like other people would try to. His hand leaves his fork to cover his face as tears threaten to leak out from how hard he’s laughing.

He took that secret to the grave, even if it wasn’t his own. He told himself he’d never tell Steve about how he felt in that situation, and he never did. He never told Steve that he didn’t enlist, either. He couldn’t imagine how Steve would’ve felt knowing that the army would’ve rather taken men that didn’t want to go to war, men who were terrified to go to war, had too much to lose and wanted to be selfish and stay home, than men like Steve who would do anything to enlist. Including lying on the damn enlistment form.

He wonders if Steve is looking at him now. Watching over him as he shares something that he never did with his best friend, with you, a girl he’s met barely a week ago, on your couch over bowls of pasta while he points out leftover sauce on the corner of your lip.

“What’s your greatest fear?” He asks you next.

“Dying alone. Actually, no. Getting kidnapped, probably.”

“Oh, mine’s spiders.” He shares.

It’s so easy to laugh with you, he finds. He jokes with Sam a lot, all the bickering and teasing all in good fun at the end of the day, and it’s mostly pretty funny. But laughing with you. He feels like a teenager again. Somehow, everything is funny; he doesn’t remember the last time he’s laughed so much, especially about things that aren’t even that funny.

It’s raining at the end of the night. Early morning, rather.

“You can take the couch, if you’d like.”

“Nah, I don't mind a little rain, and I like the ride home.” He fed Alpine before he left, but he imagines his cat misses him, even if she’s probably busy licking herself to even notice he’s left.

“Suit yourself.”

You don’t push him. A simple pleasure that’s more of a luxury for him. There’s no pushing or convincing or Are you sure’s with you.

Certainly a luxury, you are.

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes au #marvel

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satashiiwrites · 3 years ago

Photo

Making some progress….. maybe next week for a chapter update? We’ll see. Maybe half-way through the first draft.

From: Family, Familia, ‘Ohana Ch 6, Eddie POV

Fandom: 911, H50, SWAT

Pairings: Buddie, McDanno, implied platonic Hondo/Deacon

Other tags/warning: first draft, NavySeal!Buck, Emotional whump, post-lawsuit era

Picking up his phone he took a deep breath as he opened up his text messages and selected Buck’s name.

What to say?

He typed in ‘I’m okay’ but didn’t hit send.

Eddie wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay and he didn’t—hadn’t—lied to Buck before and he just…

He couldn’t lie to Buck… but he didn’t want to worry him.

Eddie deleted the unsent message and took a deep breath. I messed up but I’m going to be okay. He hit send before he could rethink it. Truthful and taking responsibility for the mess he’d made while attempting to temper the worry he’d caused when Buck had laid eyes on him. The little ‘delivered’ notification showed up and as he was watching it changed to ‘read’.

Three little dots immediately followed to indicate that Buck was typing something. They disappeared and then reappeared like Buck had typed something then deleted it then was retyping.

Eddie couldn’t sit on the edge of his bed—he was too anxious. It did occur to him that it was still the middle of the night if Buck was in Hawaii…. Which a quick glance at his phone told him there was a three hour time difference.

Buck should be asleep.

Eddie had woken him up and he knew Buck hadn’t been sleeping well because he’d…

The silent vibration notification of a new text message made his thoughts stumble to a halt.

What happened?

Letting out the breath he’d been holding, Eddie watched as the three dots appeared and disappeared again before another message came through.

I know you don’t have to tell me but I’m—

I hope you are okay now. Sorry—don’t mean to be pushy,

Buck must have sent the first message by accident instead of editing it.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, he began hesitantly typing out a response. The house was quiet around him—he had another fifteen or so minutes before getting Chris up for school as it was a late start today. He’d let Chris sleep in after he’d woken up twice last night.

You’re not being pushy. I got in a fight—which was stupid of me. I’ll be okay.

A fight? At work?

Eddie sighed, shoulders slumping. No.

The dots appeared and disappeared—Buck was probably trying to think if he should ask or not.

Eddie kind of wanted him to ask. Wanted Buck physically here so they could talk but then again Buck wasn’t here and Eddie was part of the reason for that.

I got introduced to a fight club. The money was good and I was stupid. Nothing really more to say. Staring at the text, he hit send and curled forward over his knees. Now Buck knew how stupid he’d been and, while he was ashamed, he felt relief at coming clean about it.

That’s why you got the new truck. I thought it was weird since you don’t spend money like that.

Eddie snorted. Yeah. I suppose things are going to be tight for a bit but I’ll figure it out.

There was no immediate reply from Buck—which Eddie supposed was fair. After a minute the dots reappeared.

How badly hurt are you?

His hands tightened around his phone and he could only stare at the purple and red marks over his bruised and swollen hands that hurt at the action. That guy that had come to the 118 was right—he should have taped his hands. He contemplated for a brief second downplaying his injuries but immediately shook his head at the idea. Eddie would tell Buck the truth—communicate.

It mostly just looks bad. Bruised up but nothing’s broken. I’ll be fine in a few days.

Buck must have been very worried. Did you get checked out by a doctor? X-rayed? It really didn’t look good on my screen the brief look I got of you.

Pursing his lips, Eddie tried not to be offended. Buck I took care of much worse injuries than this and I know what I’m talking about. I’m fine.

The phone rang in his hand, displaying the contact picture for Buck. It was a picture he’d taken of Buck and Christopher at the zoo pretending to be monkeys in front of the chimp exhibit. They both had such huge smiles on their faces… it’d been a great day that day.

So lost in the memory of the zoo trip, he’d almost let the call go through to voicemail. Fumbling slightly, he hit accept. “Buck?”

“Are you really okay?” Buck’s voice cracked a bit across the distance.

Sighing, Eddie closed his eyes. He could pretend Buck was here if he couldn’t see him. “I’ll be okay Buck. I promise.”

“Okay,” Buck said, the sound of his breathing coming across the distance. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure—really Buck.” He tried to put as much certainty into his voice as possible. Dios Eddie missed Buck like a limb.

There was a pause. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? I think I’m the one who owes you an apology.” Buck didn’t have anything to apologize for in his mind. He’d been the one to screw up and not support his best friend when he’d been struggling with being injured.

“Why?” Buck’s voice went a bit high in disbelief before he began speaking rapidly, almost tripping over his words. “Don’t Eddie. I told Mackey about Shannon and—“

Eddie cut him off before Buck could really get going. “Buck I get it. I… if you need to hear me say it then I forgive you. I was… I was angry but I’m not anymore.”

“You’re not?” The smallness to Buck’s voice made Eddie want to wrap his arms around Buck. Buck’s sense of self worth could be terrible at any given moment and Eddie had just made it even worse by not talking to him. He’d screwed up so much and he’d accused Buck of not thinking of anyone else—Buck who always put everyone else before his own needs to the point that he often got hurt because of it.

Being angry at Buck, in retrospect, had been a terrible thing to do to Buck. Eddie knew how much it had hurt Buck and the regret he felt swamped him. He needed to fix this.

“I was angry because I couldn’t talk to you,” Eddie confessed, voice going soft. “I just… I reacted badly and took it out on you which… wasn’t the right thing to do. I should have… I should have talked to you and ignored what the union rep told us.”

“I wasn’t there for you or Christopher.”

Buck’s voice was rough, the transmission across the distance making it sound like he might be crying and Eddie bit his lip. He was making Buck cry and that wasn’t what he wanted. He was such a screw up. Find your words he angrily told himself. “That… I could have ignored the advice and I didn’t. I cut you off Buck before any of that happened. I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me for what I did.”

That was definitely a sniffle he heard and it sounded like someone else in the background asked Buck a question that Eddie couldn’t understand.

A male voice.

At this time of day? It was so early in Hawaii… who was Buck with?

Eddie’s hackles began rising along with his jealousy but it was cut off when Buck spoke.

“There’s nothing for me to forgive you for if you forgave me.”

“So we both forgive each other?” Eddie asked, chewing on his inner lip and trying not to desperately ask who Buck was with, imagination still running wild.

“Yeah.” The roughness of Buck’s voice soothed his nerves, calming him.

“I miss you,” the confession slipped out before he could stop it. “I’ve missed my best friend—you—every day. I’m sorry I… I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.”

#wip wednesday #first draft #Family familia ‘ohana #Buddie #mcdanno #navy seal Evan “Buck” Buckley

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liria10 · 3 years ago

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Favorite Benny books?

Ok so. Tumblr crashed as I was typing this on mobile. I am retyping it on desktop cause fuck this site, and I Have Opinions, and my friend I will let you hear them or so help me!

.... This got. Really. Really long. I am adding a read more to spare you guys from that.

Ok so! As a preface, I haven't read many VNAs with Benny in it, and of her solo books, I still have 2 of her Legion books to read.

I'm going to (re)start this with the VNAs!

Love and War: a very classic answer perhaps, but it is a really good introduction for Benny, even if the book has its flaws and can certainly show its age nowadays. Cornell absolutely nails her right off the bat, and from her very first page, Benny is just a character that keeps you interested. Not only does she work great as a counter to both Seven and Ace, but she also brings a breath of life to the whole range the way only a prose character can.

Plus, I think one of the greatest successes of that book lies in how Benny appears as a rounded and flawed person from the beginning. She’s not your ordinary girl dragged to a whirlwind of adventure and an universe of wonders, but an older, adult woman, with a good chunk of life experience and adventures already behind her, and while setting foot inside the TARDIS opens up a new and unexpected chapter in her life, it does also remain just that. A chapter. Benny had a life before the Doctor, and from that moment, while noone could have predicted it then, she would have one after him as well.

The Left-Handed Hummingbird: I just finished that one last week, so it’s obviously both fresh in my mind, and one I'm thinking highly of at the moment. Well I mean, it’s Orman! Or course I love it. She really is great at writing both intricate, large stories, and yet focusing on the personal, on the human side of things. And I find that this book does a great job at putting benny in the role of the grounding presence both for ace and the doctor, as well as exploring how time traveling as they do, and dealing with seven’s schemes can be frustrating for benny. That whole tardis team is a mess, and none of these people really… work well together, but it’s because they’re so dysfunctioning that they’re fascinating, and orman absolutely nails that.

Theater of War: A very different type of book, it is honestly a fun romp, and it has Benny being an actual archeologist, down to dealing with the academia side of things. And it’s the little things, but I love it when Benny books remember that about her tbh? Also, it has some nice theater theming, and well, as an introduction for brax, it certainly works well! It’s one of those VNAs that I think is just fun. A well crafted story with good takes on the characters, that’s always enjoyable to me!

Return of the Living Dad: Orman again?? What a surprise! But frankly, I love how this book is all about Benny and her daddy issues, be it with the Doctor or well, her actual dad. Between that, her budding marriage with Jason, and finding out so many old wounds reopened, I just. Really love how raw Benny can be under Orman’s pen? How underneath it all, she still has that side of the scared orphan that lost both parents to a war she was far, far too young to ever comprehend, and how that just left her rebelling against the world in general, and resenting deep down her parents for that abandon. I mean, it’s neat character stuff, but it can very easily be written as dull & cliche shitte you know? And Orman really… always get down to the heart of it all, and boi does it make for some great reading.

The Dying Days: It’s a very fun book, and well, technically works as the first round for Benny as the lead woman after all! It’s a joy all throughout, triumphant where it needs to be, and managing to both celebrate the Doctor and what he brought to the VNAs, as well as setting up the stage for Benny to go on to her own range. It’s basically one last run of the old team, and well. I do love Benny & Eight, and yes I am blaming Parkin for it. Also, big brained take to have Eight give her Wolsey because I love that cat and Benny deserves a cute kitty in her life. We all do.

Ok!! Now on to the NA, and my personal favorite era!

Dragon’s Wrath: It’s a fun one!! I do really like the story being centered again on archeology first and foremost, and it’s a good romp that has some really good take on Benny. Especially the trial scenes, I love how those one get down to Benny as someone who despite everything, loves history, and cares very very deeply about the artifacts she uncovers. Also, it introduces brax as a mainstay of the dellah era, and does so in a rather nice way. Overall, a very enjoyable book!

Beyond the Sun: Benny & students stranded on a planet with mystery to uncover, that’s already a fun premise, and then throw in all the various queer themes present, especially with Emile, and the whole scene of them all in drag performing on top of a bus, and it’s just a rather good book. Plus, I love how it mirrors the whole VNA Doctor mantra, except with a very Benny twist. Sometimes cruel, sometimes cowardly, but trying her damndest to do good. And well, that’s just Benny isn’t it? I always harp on about the very heart of Benny being her humanity, and if there’s something that book highlights, it’s that.

Deadfall: Jason takes center stage in this one, and well, I do really love Jason. It’s overall a fun book with some nice lore ideas, and I love how it works Cwej in the whole Dellah setting. Also, at least it’s a story with Jason in the lead that doesn’t end in utter tragedy, and that’s always nice!

Tempest: Ok so. That book isn’t great. The story’s cliche, the characters aren’t the best, and the plot itself? Forgettable, it’s another in the list of “sort of base under siege story in the dellah era” which you’d think wouldn’t be super common and yet! So… why am I listing it here? Cause the concept of the planet!! The idea of a world of storms and disaster, run through via a blind train as the only means of transport? The fantastic animal life described in it??? That book left an impression of me, and that’s not something I can say of all of the others.

The Medusa Effect: … Justin Richard writes a good Benny. Like, legit. I love how that one really works with the setting & history of Dellah, and gives further information on the planet’s involvement with the Dalek war. Plus, it also got some really, really nice aesthetics. I am soft for good aesthetics ok? Benny, dancing with a skeleton on the deck of an old spaceship made to look like a cruise liner in an hallucination/dream sequence type of thing? Sign me right up!

Beige Planet Mars: That one is a blast. I remember just, absolutely loving it when I read it tbh. Between the overall description of Mars, the further Lore Implication of the Mars invasion & all that, as well as it basically being one last round of more… Normal dellah books before everything goes to hell? It’s one i’d highly recommend if you want to have a good time.

Tears of the Oracle: Probably my favorite of that whole range? (apart from dead romance, which I am not counting as a benny book) I love just, how much overall… feelings isn’t quite the words i’m looking for, but i can’t think of a better way to put it… there is throughout the book? It was thought to be the end of the NA as it was written and well, that shows. I love how it weaves the whole mystery of “what happened to that legendary archaeologists?” with the whole side of what’s basically some of the only survivors from dellah going on one last round of discovery. The status quo of the range was destroyed quite a few books before that one, but imo, it’s there that they take the time to stop for a bit, and just. Deals with what that means in actuality. And ngl, I love the entire sequence of Benny & Brax walking through the wreckage of what used to be their home, it’s a scene that works really, really well.

And well, it does a great job at setting up the future as well after all! Yes, there’s still 3 books after it, but when you look at where Big Finish picked up… they went for what Tears of the Oracle was setting up. It really makes the transition flows well between those two, unlike my rambling for a full paragraph before going to “here’s the BF books I like”

The Doomsday Manuscript: A very good start for the range! Not only does it set up the whole collection, but it also introduces the Fifth Axis as a major threat, and does so in a wonderfully well paced book that keeps you hooked throughout. I like how it also sets up Jason’s loss as something Benny is still suffering over, as well as how she hasn’t lost hope in finding him again. Plus frankly, it’s also a really good story.

The Glass Prison: You’d think that for a book where Benny spends the majority of it in prison and not very active due to being near the end of her pregnancy, not much would happen, but the way Jacqueline Rayner builds up an atmosphere of unease, mistrust and a genuine disturbing ambiance throughout the book is just, fantastic.

Genius Loci: This book. This book!!! Ben Aaronovitch writes an absolutely powerful story of Benny as a young woman, lost and finding herself faced with far more responsibility than she ever thought possible. The way he writes the whole mystery, while also making Benny as a 20yo not only believable, but quite distinct from Benny as the adult we’ve all come to know and love is just. So good. My main grip with this book is how abruptly it ends, and how we’ll never get the sequel. I want to read Terra Incognita and more of Benny slowly finding herself damn it!

Dead Men Diaries: Just like Doomsday Manuscript, does a great job at establishing the collection as well as the recurring cast. I really enjoy most of the stories in it, and I think BF started out so strong on those books srsly!

A Life in Pieces: I love it so much. It’s pure brax at his most manipulative, and for such petty reasons. I really like how it both deals with the aftermath of the Fifth Axis occupation, as well as the repercussions Brax’s schemes have for the people living on the collection. Also, it’s just 3 very good novellas in a row that build up to something more, and I always like seeing that.

Nobody’s Children: That book has the best Draconian story in the entirety of doctor who and related. Like, yeah just that. It’s also nice to see the fallout of the Mim/Draconian war. It’s one I didn’t expect a lot out of, and frankly, I ended up really loving it.

The Vampire Curse: The middle novella is one I absolutely hated, but the other two are really good, and mixing benny and vampires is just, very fun. Also!! Predating the Predator is in it, and it is a really good take on vampires in a science fiction setting that also has some nice creep factor as well, and manages to be both a good vampire story, and a good sci fi story, which isn’t always an easy balance to find.

Life During Wartime: It’s a surprisingly hard hitting anthology about living under a fascist regime, and the compromises you have to make, the personal sacrifices and small rebellions. Honestly, there’s a lot I love about it, but certainly one of my favorite moment, is when Benny, having to dine with one of the officers, miss jones & jason, sees that the officer is nearly on to her hiding peter away, and that split second moment of “if I have to, I am willing to kill everyone in this room to protect my son” before he just laughs it off, it’s a lot of tiny moments that build up to a really well done ambiance tbh.

Something Changed: While it did the terrible, terrible sin of introducing Doggles to the world, I really love the concept of every chapter after the first being a different split universe, and how they’re all spiraling more & more out of control. It’s got some really good stories in between too, though they can also be rather hit & miss. An aspect I love about it too is how impactful Wolsey’s death ends up being.

Present Danger: That one is fun, I love how it’s basically everyone vs the deindum, a situation slipping more and more out of control, mixed with some neat stuff one the deindum’s whole temporal deal. It’s again a bit hit & miss, but it’s still a blast, and as the last anthology of the collection era, it does send it all off with a bang.

Welp. Far, far too many words later, and here we are!!! I love Benny a lot ngl, and I genuinely think that prose is the medium best suited for her. I have been rather disappointed with the more modern books, I find them far more bland than what I personally expect from Benny but ah well. Can’t always get everything.

And while it’s neither a book, nor even an official story in any mean, the fanfic “Sepelio” that’s an Hannibal au set in the Dellah era is great, and the benny story I have been enjoying the most lately. I would be remiss not to at least mention it!

#ask #ask tag #bernice summerfield #.... Look I love benny probably a bit too much for my own good

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caitybug · 4 years ago

Note

How about number 10. lifting someone up out of excitement 🥺😍?

(Ps. It’s OtherWorldsIveLivedIn❤️❤️)

Hi Love!! Thanks so much for the prompt @otherworldsivelivedin <3

This is a normal/college au meets tutoring? Kind of? It’s all vague because I’m mainly here to focus on the Hug and Lifting bit haha.

I hope you enjoy <3

If you prefer, here is the ao3 link!

I’m staring at my computer screen, one click away from finding out my final grades for the semester.

Baz is sitting on his bed, acting nonchalant, but he’s listening.

(I know he is.)

He’s worked as hard as I did on these scores, it’s natural he’d be curious.

I raise my hand, trying to convince myself to press the mousepad. To go forward.

Fuck.

“I can’t do it,” I state, closing my laptop and running my hands over my face.

I’m resigned to never know. Who cares what grades I made this semester? I’ll certainly find out what happened if I’m not allowed back next year.

(At what point do universities kick you out? After the first, second, or third failed semester?)

“Snow,” He drawls, sitting up, putting the book he was pretending to read down.

(I know he was pretending. He hadn’t flipped a page in ten minutes.)

“Pitch,” I growl.

I hate when he calls me Snow.

He pauses, an eyebrow raised and a smirk on his lips.

“If you won’t look, can I?” He asks instead of letting loose whatever insult he was going to say. “I worked hard tutoring you this past month, and I’d like to know if I was successful or not.”

I roll my eyes, handing him my laptop.

He helped me a lot.

Which was shocking, considering what we were before this all began.

Our relationship before was best described by Penelope:

“It’s like watching two threatened peacocks, both with their feathers fanned out and ready to fight.”

Agatha had added on to it, saying that it would be true if the two peacocks were also both trying to bang.

(I left so fast after that, I forgot my food.)

Baz opens my laptop.

(She wasn’t wrong, unfortunately.)

Over the past month, I came to realize that I didn’t really hate him.

Quite the opposite.

“Well?” I say as he stares at the screen. I’m waiting for a reaction.

Instead, he puts it on my desk.

“You should look, they’re your scores,” he says quietly.

I frown, panic slowly rising in my chest.

Did he already look?

(Were they bad?)

“Simon,” he says softly. I look up at him immediately. He’s not used my name before. It’s always Snow with Baz. “You worked hard. It’ll be good.”

I take a deep breath and enter my password on the website.

You worked hard.

His hand is on my shoulder, giving me a light squeeze.

It’ll be good.

I click the final button, holding my breath for what lies ahead.

I sigh when I see the next page.

“Well?” He asks.

“I entered my password wrong,” I mutter, retyping it. (Forgot to capitalize the first letter.)

He scoffs, leaning to half sit on my desk.

(I can smell his shampoo.)

(Cedar and bergamot)

I look him up and down out of my peripheral while I wait for the page to load. He’s looking ahead, obviously deep in thought. His arms are crossed over his chest, watch letting a bit of sun shine off it onto the desk.

I see him start to move and I refocus on the screen, only to see it.

My grades.

And I’m amazed to see they’re….

Good.

“I passed!” I shout, standing up suddenly, knocking my chair over.

Baz lights up, standing straight. “Really?” He asks.

I nod.

In the next millisecond, the world feels like it’s falling out from under me.

(It is, in some weird way, I guess.)

Baz has his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tight and picking me up. I put my hands on his shoulders as a brace as I hold on to dear life.

“I knew you could do it!” He says.

Baz says it with the intensity and light that makes me believe it for a minute.

When my feet touch the ground our eyes are locked, both of us smiling, a laugh of excitement still etched on our faces.

His hand moves to my face and my chest warms.

This is new.

“Simon,” he whispers.

I put my hands around his neck and pull him down so our lips are almost touching. My eyes are still in his, searching.

“Can I?” I ask quietly. I feel like I know the answer, but I want to have confirmation.

I want to know that he wants this too.

He nods softly, barely, before I crash into him. Lips against lips, arms wrapped around each other pulling us closer.

Closer.

Even closer.

And it’s good.

Better than I thought it could be.

It’s like I’m breathing him in. Letting him consume me.

Letting myself consume him.

When we pull back, I let my eyes open again.

His hair is tangled (from my fingers), his chest is rising and falling with the deep breaths he is taking, and he still has a hand on my cheek.

He rubs his thumb back and forth and I let my eyes fall closed again, sitting in the sensation.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while, now,” Baz whispers.

I nod, leaning up to give him a chaste kiss again, already missing his touch when I pull away.

“Me too,” I reply.

He huffs in laughter and pulls me by my chin, kissing me until I forget any ounce of worry I had about my grades.

#simon snow #snowbaz #carry on #carry on fanfiction #snowbaz fanfiction #baz pitch #it's an AU my dudes #hopefully you like this!#caity does fanfiction #Caity does prompts #non ask

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bitchesgetriches · 4 years ago

Note

Hey, can you follow up on your comment about not lying about a degree on your resume? Because on a lot of job apps it's a required field when retyping your resume and all I can think of is, either I get a job I wouldn't have, or I wouldn't get the job anyways cause I don't have a degree. I don't exactly have much to lose, I work almost minimum wage now. If I get fired for lying about a degree, I'm no worse off than I am today. Just seems like a move up.

If you want to talk yourself into it, that’s up to you. But again: I strongly advise against lying about having a college degree on your resume and in job applications, because it’s too easy to check. And if you get caught in the lie, you could be fired, or it could lead to even worse professional consequences later on in your career. That’s my position. I don’t want to give any advice that could hurt you guys.

That said, a simple google search for “lied about college degree on resume” leads to some contradictory advice, so if you’re really serious about trying this, I suggest you read up on the people who were able to do it successfully... and the people that got caught.

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azenta · 5 years ago

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how did you realise youre a 5w6 and not 1??

By actually reading decent posts and "sources" that actually explained and elaborated about 5s further than just being a miserable "knowledge" hoarder for the sake of it and unemotional dumbass. It then made me connect the dots properly. There was also small incoherences that I was noticing but couldn't explain better. Through the new information gained then I had an explanation that took account everything and also simplified everything.

Head vs Gut: Fact is my mind is a non stop mental chatter, and I please myself in it a lot. Gut cores, even if they are still human being and think, tend not to have this problem where they get stuck into loopholes of overthinking, because their issues lies in having instinctive gut reaction the moment their issues get triggered. 1s are known to actually correct/criticize the moment something cross the line of what they fundamentally deem correct/incorrect. Even if 1w9 may contain themselves more due to the w9 making them take pride into detachment, and so closer to 5s in addressing issues they deem wrong, the thing is the w9 also makes them to be even more rooted into their body, and therefore detached from the head and heart issues. Which is not my case. Head types are overthinking machine, they have problems with the head and all the thoughts that inhabit it. 5s will withdraw into it and construct some sort of palace of thoughts and knowledge as a way to stay away from the physical world. And that's my case. If I am not actively thinking, then i am probably sleeping tbh. 1w9s are grounded into their body, and my cognitive stack can't justify being so out of touch with reality on it's own.

Withdrawal vs compliant: The other problem is, I noticed my first strategy is really not to comply to rules or principles, internal or external, it is to withdraw, and withdraw in my head. In fact, my problem is I have a fucking hard time getting out of it, the moment I am bored or unpleased by what's happening around, I retreat in it, which points out to a withdrawal mechanism as a first response to uneasiness. Compliance on top of competency bs would make me freaking out if I would derogate from any responsibility i have, but i rather tend to withdraw to avoid responsibility because i am scared of not being prepared enough, to not have enough information, knowledge, capacity to own it well. 1s have a set of principles they always comply to or else they'll feel they are being Bad, but I rather withdraw (/read avoid -> phobic) to hoard more knowledge/information, or to analyze more to feel more prepared and so feel more apt to succeed in whatever tasks or principle I had in mind. I never feel like I have enough to do what I should, which is never the case for a 1 core even if INFJ, since a 1 core INFJ would imply they don't hesitate to act on Ni-Fe and feel justified in their Ti, however wrong it would truly be, since they'd feel the urge and need to comply asap. Not that I can't act, but it's astoundingly hard for me when I am faced to novelty since I would usually try to get some information and knowledge on the task instead of doing it first hand (by fear of making a mistake and prove myself how incompetent I am). Also, my many panick attacks by the past were happening because I was faced with something I was unused to and convinced that I was not prepared enough and would fail, or actually failed. A 1 core would have probably accuse anything else than themselves for having failed since they cannot be wrong. It is NOT an option nor a possibility. They don't fear being bad or wrong because "they ARE good/right" (counter phobic), if they are not they'll get into reaction because of disintegration (4 -> cp, and either 8 or 6 influence, both can be cp. Also, all reactive mechanism) and fight twice as hard to prove they are Good/Right.

1 vs 6 influence: Tho, the overlapping with 1 didn't happen for nothing. 6 component are similar to 1s on the surface. They are still compliant, so abide to some set of principles, and tend to be critical. However, the difference is that 6s have lingering doubts cornering their mind. And despite finding some sense of certainty I do still have doubts cornering my mind and contributing to me compulsing into reading, studying or analyse more, to feel I know enough and is competent enough. Also, my knowledge is quite influenced by takes of people I trust their knowledge (through reading them or talking to them). Like I have told before, 6s tend to take references to mold their mind and find security in this, and I lowkey find this aspect in myself, but the difference is I end up trusting more my own conclusions overall. I use references, which switch overtime depending of my own knowledge, but more as a backup to build on my own analysis. Also, Fe account into why I consider other's viewpoints, as it still talks of some truths through which I can Ti and find the logical framework that interrelates everything together.

5 vs 9 influence: I excused the withdrawal, detachment and avoidance of needs on the account of 9, but all the reason leading me to each of these aspect was not actually to reach a peace of mind or an apathy. I wanted to withdraw, but in my head because it feels more secure, I want to detach so I can better analyze and assess what's happening to handle it the most perfectly (competently) possible, and I detach from my needs so no one bothers me and I can stay longer into my mind instead of being forced to interact with the world/people. So well, this is all unrelated to any 9 aspect.

Disintegration and integration: I noticed that when I purposefully tried to go to 7 I was actually doing worse. I became irresponsible, more scattered than ever, and just purposeless. I didn't find any "letting go" in that process and felt I was growing further apart from what I actually wanted to achieve. It corresponds more to disintegrative component of 5 than any form of integration. Also, I noticed this pattern was way more frequent than when meeting pseudo 4w6 disintegration (1w9 disintegration). Actually, when I start to react, it is with actual anger and as a goal to reclaim my power over what's happening to me. Therefore, it's not an unhealthy tantrum to further assert how "right" I am, but rather a cry to live and a way to assert myself, which is in fact rather healthy as it means I am listening to my most inner need and reclaiming to exist. This points to integration to 8. Assertiveness of needs, wanting to have an impact and not shying to manifest my anger to show I actually reached a limit and will not tolerate anyone's else bs. So well, it made more sense, again, to be 5 over 1. It also explained without wing disintegration why I was getting even more anxious and avoidant of anxiety when disintegrating.

Childhood trauma: I really thought my most "traumatic* " experience made me feel like I was fundamentally Bad, but I remember very precisely that the one thing I told myself when it happened is: "I didn't see it coming...". I felt unprepared to what was happening, and from there was born a profound desire to prepare myself to actually be able to detach before anything this emotionally devastating happens again. It is this same year it happened that I also started doing shit load of anxiety. So, from that event was born fear, not anger. I felt powerless and from there did everything to not feel powerless again. The things I thought sure ended up being unpredictable. Also, the w6 grew there, as I lost trust in my father, which I had a very close relationship with. I was part mad at him and felt betrayed, as his choice was leading him further away from me, in my mind. I didn't tolerate this. Even if in the end, everything returned back to normal, I still as of today always prepare mentally for the day it could happen again.

*I put it in parenthesis because it is nothing that bad, but for me as a child, it disrupted everything. I thought everything was fine and perfect, but behind the scenes, it wasn't.

So, that's what lead me to retype. And I am pissed at actually failing so hard to notice it. But being an INFJ certainly didn't help my case 🙃 Tho, I am actually reluctant to other's views until I ask, because I am actually quite stubborn into believing I know better.,,, in part because admitting i don't know or that I am not sure is a fucking hard blow to my ego. aahhhhhh if that ain't a shitty mix

#ask #typing #about #e5 #e1 #1w9 #5w6 #en

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