#i left myself out of my first friend group we were friends since kindergarten age and around middle/end of high-school

[audiovisualrecall]

Sad to b left behind

[guste-disgusted]

that is a good painting for a woman

I could write a never-ending poem or five or 8 for each year I spent in art school in Lithuania and still have things to say about it. There is a lot that could be said about long hours at school drawing a lousy made replica of Ancient Greek sculpture or people who hanged themselves high as Christmas decorations in the building, “psychologists” who tell you to clap your hands instead of helping to cope with an enormous amount of stress and anxiety. And that is not even a fraction of stories that happened there. But everyone in my country knows this - the school is notorious for manufacturing one note “artists” (future teachers and people who create a “meaning”, even though that meaning is as boring as a grilled cheese sandwich) and people who have mental health problems. What the public eye doesn’t see, is the treatment of women artists. I would like to say “treatment behind the closed doors”, but that would be a complete lie, since the execution of sensitive souls is carried out in the broad daylight. This happens mainly because teachers and artists don’t know any better and their behaviour is not only praised by their colleagues, but by young artists (including women) themselves. 

I was always known for my “bravery”. Even though I couldn't even hop through the gymnastics goat, I was always afraid to carry my cigarettes with me and be caught by the police (it happened to someone else once, so my fear wasn’t an irrational one. Well, maybe it was), but I always had strength to stand up for myself. In kindergarten, we were required to learn Lithuanian folk art - my country attempts to make us patriotic from a very young age, and if you look at my artwork from the first year, you can see that they succeeded in making us patriotic. We had to sing a very old song that was meantfor workers in a windmill. We had to be put in different groups and I didn’t hear which group I am in, so I just sat on the bench and waited for an opportunity to ask again where should I go. The teacher was absolutely furious that I was left there sitting and started to shout at me (that is a late-motif for a Lithuanian - any emotion should and can be expressed through anger). I looked at her - 6 year-old with poor kid’s outfit that some time ago belonged to another poor kid and asked the teacher: “do you need a calming tea or something?”. No one in my family asked this question, but for some reason I knew that it is exactly I should say. And this sentiment that no matter what happens, no matter what kind of teachers starts to express their disappointment, I should always stand up for myself.

Even though my art school was so horrible in so many aspects, there were some positive things. For example, I had art history lessons, so I know who Magritte is, and that German expressionists liked Nida. We used to skip my lovely teacher's lessons whenever we wanted to smoke illegal cigarettes from Belarus or to finish another worthless piece of "art" before the deadline. She knew that a 17-year-old would skip classes on a whim either way, so she decided to make a deal - to make up for the lost time, we had to write some small tests. So, after we collectively skipped the class,  we had to pick a random card with Lithuanian painting on it and write a comment. Everyone considered this task an easy one andcompleted in a matter of minutes, me and my friend, on the other hand, took this seriously and sat there for quite a while. I completed my task before her and decided to wait for my friend - she was the last left. I laid my head on a backpack and naively thought I could get some rest, at least for a minute. Art history teacher was surprised by how long my friend took,so she decided to look through what she wrote and maybe help her. So, she looked at the card that my friend picked and loudly, without any hesitation said “Oh, you got this painting… That is a good painting for a woman!”. 

All of my sensors were wakened up from the dead. I lifted my head that felt so heavy from the lack of rest and sleep, looked at my teacher and loudly asked “good painting… for a woman?”. She was surprised by my question more than I was surprised by her remark. We got into an argument - not because we were angry by each other, but because we couldn't understand why we couldn't agree on this matter. My friend didn’t get me either - apparently, in the room of 3 women, who have their own in the art world, I was the one who saw a problem here. The next day, my friend brought up this situation in our small drawing group - just to make fun of me. There were two more young women, and still no one really understood why I wasn’t pleasantly surprised by that "fabulous" comment. 

However, the next week during my art history class, my teacher stepped out of her way and prepared slides on "FeministArt”. I don’t know if she did it because my comment was thought-provoking, or out of malice, but either way, we spent 2 hours that week talking about Tracey Emin and Cindy Sherman, and every time she said the word “feminism”, she gazed at me with a little smile - just like little kids do when they find a secret stash of candies.

[badboyjuyeon]

the set up

Pairing: Sunwoo x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Changmin tricks you and Sunwoo into going on a date.

“So what do you think?” Changmin asked while you sat down at the table, both coffees in hand. 

“Let me get this straight,” you tried to recall everything he told you on the way to the cafe, “you showed a picture of me to your friend, he thought I was cute, and now he wants to go on a date with me?” You raised an eyebrow, wondering what got in Changmin’s head to set you up with someone so suddenly, though this wasn’t completely unexpected from him.

Changmin was your best friend since you sat next to each other in kindergarten and he has been trying to set you up with someone ever since. You can thank Changmin for setting you up with your first boyfriend Sangyeon, who broke up with you after a week because you stepped on his favorite crayon. Of course, Changmin only set you up with Sangyeon so he could sit next to Younghoon, who was his crush at the time. 

“Both of you are single and he’s a great guy, super hot. Trust me, he’s one of my closest friends,” he tried to convince you. “Are you down?” He eagerly waited for your response as you took a sip from your coffee. 

You didn’t see a reason to deny it, it’s not like you were seeing anyone at the moment, or have seen anyone for a while. Not to mention Changmin’s approval was hard to get, he disapproved of all your previous boyfriends. His judgment always turned out to be right because they all ended up breaking your heart. Your failed relationships stopped you from wanting to get out there but that never stopped Changmin from trying. 

At the same time, you felt flattered that this friend of his thought you were attractive enough to want to go on a date. You’d be lying if you said that didn’t boost your ego. 

But you still didn’t know anything about him. Or if he’s even your type. If you’re going to get played by a guy, you’d rather be played by a hot guy. 

“Does this friend have a name, and what does he look like?” You tried to ask Changmin nonchalantly, though you couldn’t help but start to feel a little curious. 

Changmin excitedly let out a squeal and pulled up a picture from his Instagram. “YAY! I’ll take that as a yes. His name is Sunwoo and he’s the same age as you. I met him at dance camp.” 

He waved his phone in front of your face and you snatched it out of his hand to get a better look. 

“SEE, isn’t he hot?” Changmin smirked because he already knew your answer. 

To say he was hot was an understatement. He had a sharp jawline, full lips, and beautiful honey skin. You knew that Changmin had hot friends but you didn’t know that they were this hot. You still couldn’t believe that he wanted to go on a date with you. He seemed like someone out of your league, you never would have had the courage to talk to him first. 

“And why did you show him a pic of me?” You asked, suddenly checking your Instagram feed to see the possible pictures that Changmin could have shown Sunwoo. Your last post could have been better. 

Changmin sighed and pushed you off the booth to hide his panic because he didn’t know how to answer you. “So many questions. Just go get ready and I’ll text you the address.” 

“WHAT? It’s today? You didn’t think to tell me that it’s today? That is not enough time.” You racked your brain trying to figure out possible outfits and whether you should shave your legs. 

“Bye, go get ready!” Changmin nearly kicked you out of the cafe. While you made your way to your house to get ready, Changmin made his way to Sunwoo’s house. 

“And why are you here?” Sunwoo asked upon opening his door. 

Changmin pouted. “Can’t a normal guy just miss his best friend?” 

“Sure, a normal guy can, but you aren’t normal. You didn’t even think to bring your best friend a cup of coffee.” Sunwoo playfully scowled, before moving aside to let Changmin in. 

Ordinarily, Changmin would have brought another cup of coffee for Sunwoo, but it completely slipped his mind as he was busy convincing you to agree to the date. 

“I brought you something better than coffee.” Changmin paused, waiting for Sunwoo’s reaction. But no reaction came as Sunwoo turned to walk back to his room.

“Can you guess what I brought you?” The older boy asked as he followed the younger one to his room.

Sunwoo turned to look at Changmin and pretended to think. “No.” 

“Pretty please can you guess?” 

“No.”

“Guess or I’ll leave with my better-than-coffee gift.” Changmin attempted to threaten him. 

“If this is your dumb Chucky doll, then I told you already that I don’t want it. Give it to Chanhee or someone else.” Sunwoo doesn’t miss the slight blush that appeared on Changmin’s cheeks upon mentioning Chanhee. 

Changmin dramatically gasps. “First of all, my Chucky doll is not DUMB, it is CUTE. Second of all, I already tried to ask Chanhee but he doesn’t want it, but that’s beside the point. No, it is not my Chucky doll, you wish it was. Guess correctly or I’m leaving.” 

Sunwoo questioned whether Changmin really was the older one. “Well, you know the exit.” 

“Okay fine, I’ll just tell you.” Changmin rolled his eyes at how uncooperative Sunwoo was. 

“I showed my friend a picture of you and she thought you were hot. She said she wants to go on a date with you.” Changmin repeated the same story that he told you. 

“She wants to go on a date with me?” Sunwoo repeated with a look of uncertainty. Changmin took a sip of his now cold coffee from when he met up with you just earlier before nodding. He pulled up a picture of you from your Instagram and gave Sunwoo his phone. 

Sunwoo stared down in shock. “You’re not just messing with me?” 

Changmin shook his head. “No, she’s totally into you. She’s super cool, source: trust me bro.” 

Part of Sunwoo thought that Changmin was pranking him somehow. You seemed like the type of person that Sunwoo would have a one-sided crush on. He would only dream of asking you out. The other part of him considered whether he should believe Changmin. You seemed like a  cool person and Sunwoo wanted to get to know you. There was also no added fear of rejection since you did ask him out first. 

“Say yes or I’ll introduce her to Juyeon or Haknyeon,” Changmin added, knowing that Sunwoo wouldn’t want to pass up this opportunity. 

“Okay fine, when is the date?” Sunwoo walked over to his closet to begin planning what he would wear. He held up two shirts to get Changmin’s approval. 

“In a couple of hours, and the white shirt looks better with your blazer,” Changmin replied quickly. 

Sunwoo stared at Changmin in shock. “A couple of HOURS? Did you mean a couple of days?” 

“Nope, it’s at eight today. Get ready pretty boy.” Changmin smiled mischievously, before heading towards the door to avoid Sunwoo’s inevitable breakdown. 

As soon as Changmin was in his car, he let out another excited squeal. His plan had worked! Changmin told you that Sunwoo asked you on a date and he told Sunwoo that you asked him out on a date. He did this so both of you would end up going on the date feeling cocky, each person would think that the other person liked them more. 

Changmin was friends with both you and Sunwoo, though you two never met because you were in two different friend groups. Changmin couldn’t help but think that you two would be perfect together. He decided he wanted to play matchmaker because you two were hopelessly indecisive and would never make the first move. You both overthought every detail, you felt insecure because your past relationships were rocky and Sunwoo felt insecure because of his fear of rejection. That is why he composed a plan to get you both on the date feeling confident. You two wouldn’t have to worry about whether the other person liked the other, as you’ve both done on previous dates, and would just get to know each other. His plan was quite perfect if he did say so himself. 

You waited outside the doors of the fancy restaurant that Changmin had made reservations for. You took out your phone to check your makeup and hair one more time. You took a deep breath and walked up to the waiter. You told him your name and waited for him to look you up in the system. 

“Party of two? The first party has already arrived. I will lead you to your table.” You felt your heart pick up its pace knowing that Sunwoo was already there waiting for you. 

As you made your way through the restaurant, you saw him first. He was already gorgeous on Instagram, but he looked 10 times better in person. You appreciated a man that could dress and accessorize. Sunwoo looked up from his phone and locked eyes with you. His eyes were so pretty, you swore you could see sparkles in them. You didn’t know why you felt more nervous in front of him. He got up from his seat to take out your chair. 

“Oh, you didn’t need to.” You said while sitting down, but you couldn’t help but smile. How is he that fine AND respectful? 

Sunwoo walked back to his seat. “But I wanted to.” 

Changmin should’ve given you a warning, you don’t think you could survive a whole date with him. 

A waiter approached your table. “Hello, I’m Kevin Moon and I will be your waiter for the evening. Take a look at the menu and I’ll come back in a few minutes to take your order.” 

You and Sunwoo both nodded at Kevin and he left you two alone. 

“Since we haven’t formally met, I guess I’ll introduce myself. Hi, I’m (y,n).” You struggle to get words out because of how nervous you are. 

“Hi, I’m Sunwoo, it's nice to finally meet you. Changmin has told me so much about you.” Sunwoo brushed the hair out of his eyes, a nervous habit of his. 

“Only good things I hope.” You responded, taking a sip of your water. 

“Yeah, I was a little offended when he called you his best friend. I thought I was his best friend with how much he bothers me.” Sunwoo joked.

“Technically we’re bestie-in-laws. But you can keep him if you want. He’s always up to something.” He laughed at your response and you knew that you wanted to hear that laugh more often. 

“Should we order?” You asked, remembering the menus in front of you. He nodded and you both took the time to figure out what you wanted. Kevin returned once again to take your orders and left just as quickly as he came. 

With your conversation interrupted, you both tried to come up with something to talk about. 

Sunwoo bit back a smile when he remembered that Changmin told him that you liked him enough to want to go on a date with him. Remembering this, he felt less nervous. He usually felt nervous during dates because he tried super hard to impress the other person, but he felt less of a pressure to do this. Instead of creating a fake personality, he decided he wanted to just be himself. 

You both made small talk and found out that you shared similar hobbies. Sunwoo was so charming and you found yourself wanting to know more about him. It was easy to hold a conversation and you forgot about how nervous you were. The wait for the food didn’t even feel long because of how well you two were hitting it off. 

“Did Changmin tell you anything about me?” He decided to ask. 

“I heard that you met him in dance camp. You like dancing?” You said in between bites.

“I honestly joined because Changmin didn’t want to go there alone. But I’m not too bad myself.” Sunwoo admitted.

“That does sound like Changmin. He always ends up somehow convincing me to watch scary movies with him.” 

“Changmin is always scheming. I wouldn’t be surprised if this date was a part of an elaborate plan.” Sunwoo rolled his eyes as he thought of all the questionable things Changmin had made him do. “That's why I thought he was pranking me when he said you liked me first.” 

“He said I liked you first?” You raised your eyebrow. “He told me that you liked me first.” 

Sunwoo tilted his head quizzically. “Something is not adding up.”

“Maybe you’re onto something about Changmin always scheming.” You put down your fork. “Now that I think about it, Changmin has been acting weird lately. Has he told you anything?” 

Sunwoo stopped to think about Changmin’s recent behavior. “No, I just know that he’s been hanging out with Chanhee a lot recently.” 

“Changmin always does find a way to talk about Chanhee.” You thought back to your last few conversations with him. 

Sunwoo’s eyes suddenly widened as he pieced certain information together. 

“Wait, do you know something?” You asked him. 

“I think I do, but I can’t say for sure.” 

“I’m 100% sure that Changmin set us up for a reason. I wouldn’t have questioned it as much if he set me up with a stranger, but a close friend is a bit suspicious. And now of all times? Should we put our heads together?” 

“Ok.” Sunwoo agreed to your collaboration. “What do you know?” 

“Well, I know that Changmin blushes whenever Chanhee is around so…” You trailed off. 

You didn’t have to finish your sentence because Sunwoo already knew what you were insinuating. “Oh my god, that's what I was going to say too.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

“Are you thinking that Changmin set us up just so he can have a double date with Chanhee?” Sunwoo asked to confirm whether you both came to the same conclusion. 

“That's exactly what I was thinking.” 

You two burst out laughing. 

“By the way,” he paused to look you in the eyes, “what exactly did Changmin say to get you to agree to go on this date?” 

“He told me he showed you a picture of me and that you thought I was cute and that you wanted to go on a date with me.” You recited what Changmin told you. 

His jaw dropped. “No way, he told me the same thing word for word.”

“So did you agree to this blind date because you thought I was hot or because you thought I liked you?” You decided to be bold. 

“Um, maybe both?” He felt his cheeks turn hot. You were sure that your cheeks also supported the same shade of pink as his. 

“Well, we have to get Changmin back. How about we plan the double date but end up ditching them so he has to deal with it alone?” You proposed. “Give him a taste of his own medicine?”

“You’re evil.” Sunwoo pretended to be taken aback. “But I am too so I love that idea.”

“Maybe we can ditch them and hang out together?” Sunwoo suggested. 

“Only if it's another date.” You didn’t know where this newfound confidence came from, but you promised to thank Changmin for setting you up with such a great guy. 

“It's a date.” He winked.

[peculiarpatches]

𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 - 𝐁𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐱 𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

this is part 1 of 4 or 5 (??) parts. if you like this, please give it a like and or reblog (or both). feedback is appreciated, always!! this first chapter contains smut. so if that makes you uncomfortable, this isn’t for you. and again, this is part one of others so there will be more :) 

WARNING: public sex, dirty talk, unprotected sex, angst slightly??? but not really??? it’s going to get angsty more later down the road, lmao. so, buckle up. it’s one hell of a ride. enjoy :)

*~*

A flush of regret wipes over my body. The moment our lips touch,  it washes over me like a waterfall. One drop then thousands of drops came pouring down, soaking me until I was drowning in it. Regret & anxiety; Both washes over me and yet,  I  know  what I am doing is wrong but I can't bring myself to stop. A tiny part of me didn't want it to stop, either.  He knew that, I knew that.  Yet, nobody said anything. We didn't have to. We were too busy, too caught up, in each other that we didn't need to talk. No words needed to be spoken, to be said. We knew it was wrong but... if it was so wrong, why did it feel  so right?  A moan escapes past my lips and drips onto his tongue. His hands found their way to my hips, fingers sneakily trailing up my shirt and he curls his fingernails deep into my skin, making another whimper slip out from me;  no matter how hard I tried not to speak or let any noise out, he got me to do the complete opposite.  "Now, now, remember what I said... We've got to keep quiet, okay, baby girl?" He had said this earlier  and yet, it seemed as if he wanted nothing more than to get me to scream and shake.  To be putty in his hands, to melt under his touch..  The little shit was trying anything - everything - to get me to make noise.  And unfortunately, it was working.   I  shouldn't love him and he  shouldn't love me. Yet, here we were; Tangled together  with our lips locked and our hands caressing every body piece we could manage to find.    We were in the most uncomfortable place to do this at, though. We were in one of the closets  of Hawkin's community pool. It was after hours now,  the pool had been closed for some time, they always closed when the sun went down and when the children's fathers got off of work and the mothers had to be quick on their feet and head home to cook them a meal.  A few people were still in the parking lot, a few life guards were also gathering their supplies and getting ready to set, sail, and go home. Yet, Billy told me he had a surprise for me if I stayed past my curfew and past my work schedule.  Of course, I knew what he wanted. I knew what he had up his sleeve.  (The so called surprise, as you may have guess is... *drum roll*  his cock!! What an amazing present to gift someone, right?)   I, being the dumbass that I am, agreed, though.   It wasn't bad, per say. It never was bad. Hell, it only got better within each sacred and secret moment we shared together.  That's where the problem was at; I was tired of being a secret. Tired of hiding from everyone. Tired of feeling used. I wasn't Billy's rag doll he could use and carry with him wherever. I also wasn't his personal sex toy that he could slip his dick into whenever, wherever.  I was tired. So, fucking, tired. I was  exhausted, mentally and physically. Having to keep the secrets buried away, hiding them in a place they can't be broken or seen, it was truly going to be the death of me.  Especially from Steve. I was tired of lying to him.  Steve Harrington was my best friend. Best friends since kindergarten, he and I. I hated that I was hiding my relationship - was it even that? - with Billy to him.  Steve and I went to each other for everything.  Always have, always will. When he and Nancy broke up, he came to me, crying his heart out and drowning my shirts (and pillows and blankets) with tears and snot.  (Thankfully, he cleaned them up so I didn't have to. I would've done it in a heartbeat, though. I loved Steve. Steve is my best friend, I'd do anything for him, as I know he'd do anything for me.   So, lying to him made me feel like the shittiest person alive.)   That night, along with many other restless ones, we  talked  and talked until the sun came up.  I did everything I could to make him happy, to cheer him up. I baked him his favorite cookies and favorite meal once as well to try and make him feel better. Almost burnt the kitchen down while doing so, too. And, okay, maybe, the meal and the cookies didn't work out and I failed. In the end, it put a smile on Steve's face which is all I had been dying to see.  Soda dripped from Steve's nose and burnt his nostrils, he was laughing so hard when the fire alarm went off, letting us know the cookies in the oven were bursting in flames. Luckily, we saved the kitchen from exploding with fire and clouding with smoke. Can't say the same for the cookies, sadly.  From that day and onward, he and I still made jokes about burnt crisp cookies and nearly dying because of trying to bake them together.  It was one of our favorite inside jokes, actually.  ("I went to the store yesterday and I walked up and down the aisles and guess what? Not a single one had burnt crisp cookie dough.")  ("You see this bullshit, Harrington? All the cookies in the world are at this fundraiser expect for burnt crisp cookie dough!"  "Oh, man, I'm going to have to talk to the principal about that one... I cannot believe they'd do something like this.") When I got dumped by  one of the basketball players on the Hawkin's high school team, Steve was the first (and only) one who reached out to me and cheered me up. He rented out a few of our favorite movies together and before they could close, Steve and I were quick to rush to the grocery store and we picked up as much junk food as our arms could carry.   That night - along with others - was full of nothing but contagious laughter, sweet and salty foods, and horrible but too good to put down and look away movies.   All the thoughts of Steve wash away once I  feel Billy's hand dip  into the opening of my underwear, his calloused fingers pushing the thin layer of fabric aside  as his index finger slips between my folds, a gasp leaving me as I feel his touch.  His touch felt like fire among my skin, and I was an ice cube, melting in the palm of his hands.  I could feel myself sinking and sinking, slipping away into the pleasure he was about to bring onto me.  "I love when you make that face," He whispers against my neck, lips drifting across my skin, not quite in contact but not so far away either where I couldn't feel him. His breath was hot and I could smell the peppermint gum as he talked.  "Love hearing those pretty but pornographic moans of yours.... gets my cock so hard, you get me so worked up, baby girl...." Billy's scent was intoxicating. Even right now with the  left over smell of coconut lotion smeared across his skin from lathering himself up early in the morning, he smelled perfect. As perfect as can get. He smelled of coconut  mixed with peppermint and a cologne I couldn't pinpoint on exactly what  or which brand. All the scents together may sound odd and unsatisfying but I was nearly drooling as the different fragrances overwhelmed my senses. That and the fact he pushes his index and middle finger inside me, so easily, without any trouble whatsoever. Him, doing that earned another  gasp to fall off  of my lips as it was so sudden, so unexpected.  I knew I was wet, could feel the puddle of wetness coating the bottom half of my underwear but I hadn't known I was so hot and bothered he could easily slip two fingers into me. I shouldn't act so surprised, this was Billy Hargrove, after all. Billy was one, if not, the most attractive guy in Hawkin's, Indiana. Well...in our age group, anyways. A lot of other students and fellow classmates were far from attractive. (Minus Steve, but of course, he doesn't count. He knows he's attractive, just as much as Billy does. Me, telling him he's cute and everything wouldn't change the fact. He already knows it.) Moments like this, I wish I had a jar I could bottle these memories up and store them away, have a look back upon them some day with a smile on my face. I've never felt so alive, so wanted, needed and loved... not until I met Billy.  He made me feel as if I was on cloud nine and he made me feel as if  I could do anything - everything -  and I wasn't just some girl, some hookup, to him. I was special. Sure, hiding and keeping secrets wasn't the greatest feeling in the world, I'll have to have a talk with him about it, about the way I felt, but as of right now, I wanted to touch him the way he was touching me. I wanted to make him feel the butterflies in the pit of his stomach, the ones I was feeling right now. The ones I always feel when he presses his lips against mine or when he just touches me, in general. Hell, even when he smiles in my direction, holds my hand with his much larger one and or laughs at a not so funny joke I tell. I wanted to make his heart skip a beat, as he did with me. I wanted to make him feel as special as he makes me. Before I could register what I am about to say, those three little words leave my lips before I could put a stop to them.  "I love you."  I couldn't stop the sentence, even if I tried.  Billy said nothing. He hums in reply, but no words leave his mouth. He continues to move his fingers back and forth, curling and scissoring his digits deep inside me. I groan quietly, leaning my head back against the shower tile wall, holding myself up the best I could from the position I was in. "There's a good girl," is all he says. He either doesn't acknowledge what I said or he chose to ignore it. My heart aches at the second option but the feeling goes away rather fast as he's sinking to his knees and spreading my legs far apart, his head guiding up to face my cunt and before I know it, his tongue - his mouth - everything is inside and I feel as if I'm on fire.   "Oh... Oh, Billy..." I mewl,  slowly my eyelids drift close on their own as I press my lower half into his  welcoming mouth, my breathing began to grow heavy as his tongue swirls against my cunt which hardens underneath him.  He grips his fingers into my thighs, more  than likely putting imprints of his nails into my skin by  how hard he pressed them down. I didn't mind a few bruises. The bruises were  a reminder this was all happening and not some form of my imagination.    Even from the position he was in, I could feel the outline of his lips curving upward and I didn't need to look down to see the famous Hargrove smirk sitting there across his face; I could feel him smiling in between my thighs.    He, to my disappointment, pulls away, but he doesn't stay far back for too long. The cheeky little shit only wanted to lock eyes with me, shoot me a wink before diving back down in between my legs, eating me out as if he was starving. Saliva dripped down his chin and I could feel it sliding off of my thighs, too.  His tongue was everywhere, going from my pussy to the inside of my thighs to my clit back and all over again. He was devouring me, eating me out as if we were running out of time which was far from the truth.   I didn't mind it one bit. Wasn't complaining in the slightest.  My only  issue was how close I was getting to an orgasm. The signs were all there, slowly building up. My heart was pounding faster than before, my legs were shaking and my knees began to buckle. It was getting harder to keep upward.  My eyelids  could barely keep open, the familiar fluttery feeling grew bigger and stronger in my stomach. Billy, probably knowing I was close to my peak, pulled away and before he stands up, he pushes his shorts down, letting them hang by his feet. "Next time, princess, I want to see that mouth of yours stuffed with my cock; see you gagging for it, all around me. As of right now, I just want to fuck you and leave you  breathless, now bend over and let me see that pretty pussy of yours, baby. 'm gonna wreck it, have you feeling me for days, have you feeling this cock in your stomach. That's what you want, isn't it? To be fucked like I hate you?"    Before I could reply, he's taking me by the wrist and bending me forward, laying my body against one of the shelves in the closet as he rubs my opening with the head of his cock, sending a shiver to run through my body, goosebumps prickling my skin as I breathe through my nose, closing my eyes. I wait for him, wait for the stretch and the opening of his cock but it doesn't come as quickly as I would have liked.  "I don't, by the way. Hate you." He said, leaning forward whereas his back touches my own, "I'll fuck you like I do but I don't. The feeling is mutual." He said and before I could reply - before I could ask what he meant - he's pushing forward, pressing his cock deep inside me, sinking into me with a growl.   "You're so fucking tight, always so fucking tight." He grunts, hissing through his teeth as he rocks his hips back and forth, his cock going deeper inside me, inch by inch, I feel him. He's all I could feel.  He's all I want to feel.  "Please..... please, Billy." My words are crumbling together, my body was breaking apart.  "Tell me," He purred,  his breath lightly  fanning against my ear as he spoke,  his voice was low and irresistible, it made every part of me shake as he spoke. "Tell me what you want. You have to speak up in order to get what you want, love.... So, tell me." "Just you, you, you, you." I'm begging now. I can feel myself getting closer and closer. I'm holding onto the shelf so tightly because I'm afraid I'm going to fall over.   The feeling is growing, the bubbling sensation is getting larger and I can feel myself getting ready to burst.  "Please, Billy, fuck me like you hate me. Fuck me like I'm some whore on the street. Fuck me-" My words are cut off by the way he pulls out only to slam back into me. Him, doing this  - the sudden force and movement - is what makes me come undone. I knew I wasn't going to last long.  Luckily, neither does he. "Oh, fuck. Already came, did you? Such a good girl. Fuck~ you're such a good girl for me. 'm gonna cum too, fuck, I'm so close, (Y/N)." His words, much like mine were, slur together, his thrusts become sloppy and messy. And before I know it, he's cumming with a cry of my name, filling me up as he does so.  "Shit...." He groans, pulling back slowly as he then pulls me up with him, pulling me around to face him as he kisses me suddenly,  the taste of myself still strong on his tongue. It shouldn't be a turn on but it was. However, I was too exhausted for a round two any time soon.  I kiss him back, smiling against his lips.  We stay in this position for a few seconds, saying nothing because the kiss says what all that I needed to hear. He loved me too.  Pulling back, Billy smiles and moves a few pieces of hair out from my face, leaning forward, he captures my forehead with his lips, kissing it with so much softness and affection, I feel all warm and tingly on the inside.  This is the Billy nobody but me got to see. This is the Billy I was in love with.  Not the one he portrayed for everyone in town to see. He didn't have to play pretend, to put on a show, I loved him for who he was. Even the fake persona he wore. I knew it wasn't him, not at all.  "I love you."  Something flashes across his face the moment I say those three words, there's a certain  look in his eyes I can't make out but he grins nonetheless and pulls me closer to him, hand finding their way to my cheeks as he  moves to kiss me the way he had done before. "And I love you."  Of course, I should have known he was lying.  It was Billy Hargrove, after all.  He didn't date.  Didn't fall in love.  All he cared about was the person that looked back at him in the reflection of his mirror and getting into girl's pants, no matter who it was.  More importantly, he didn't fall in love with me.  It was all a lie, all a trick, and I was nothing more than a puppet on strings for him to toy around with.  I didn't know this until the next day. If I had known, I wouldn't have given myself up to him so easily. 

I was -  I still am - a fool for falling for his little white lies.  I should have known.  All the red flags were there but..... I guess I was just color blind.  I just wanted to be loved. And I thought he loved me..... I really did. I guess I was just another girl to put on the top of his list. 

[katymacsupernatural]

Under the Texas Sun Part 2

Jensen Ackles x Reader

Story Summary: Having been best friends with Jensen since kindergarten, Jensen has always been there for Y/N when she’s needed it the most. Best friends turned roommates, but will he still be there for her when things turn south? Or will his friendship turn into something more?

Catch Up Here: Masterpost

Two weeks later and you were completely moved into Jensen’s house. Your tiny little apartment had sold quickly, and you used part of the money towards your photography studio, saving the rest for a rainy day.

Moving hadn’t been too hard. The furniture in your apartment had gone to a thrift store, back to where you had first purchased it. Jensen had let you borrow his SUV, and it had only taken one trip to bring your most important possessions to his house. Your room was on the second floor, on the far side away from Jensen with a perfect view of the backyard. Your own huge walk-in closet and bathroom made it a perfect little oasis when you needed to get away from Jensen. Which wouldn’t be often, since he was still busy filming in Vancouver.

It had taken some getting used to, changing your living space from 600 square feet to over four thousand. His place was huge, and so freaking quiet when it was just you. You loved his living room, with the plush couches and the gigantic TV. A TV you would turn up a little louder than necessary, trying to drown out the silence.

Tonight was just like the other nights. A quiet dinner after a busy day at your studio. Wrapped up in your favorite blanket, you had the TV on while you scrolled through your phone. It was only Wednesday, and you were all ready for the weekend. To have your buddy Jensen back to help fill the void you were beginning to feel.

Just then your phone rang, Jensen’s face flashing up on your screen, and you picked the phone up, grateful for the distraction. “Hey, Jay!” You exclaimed, muting the TV.

You could hear people talking behind him, yelling and horns honking. “You must still be on set.”

“Yeah, it’s a late one tonight,” he muttered. “Just wanted to call and see how things are going with you. Settled in?”

“Fully,” you answered. “Even have my favorite chips in the pantry. Oh, and I bought ingredients for that casserole you really liked. Thought I could have that ready on Friday when you get in.”

You could hear the hesitation in his voice. “Listen, I don’t have much time, but that’s why I was calling. Looks like we’re going to have to work longer this week. I don’t think I’m gonna make it home.”

“Really?” You sighed, trying and failing to keep the disappointment from your voice. “Work that rough?”

“We’ve dealt with colds and weather. Even Baby got stuck in the mud. And to keep the episodes coming in a timely manner, we’re filming Saturday. But hey, I can make it up to you next weekend. Dinner at any restaurant you pick. It’s on me.”

You could hear them calling his name, so you let him go, staring down at your phone long after he hung up. You had been really looking forward to this weekend. To spend some time with your best friend. Some time with someone other than the people who paid you to take pictures of them.

“That’s it,” you muttered to yourself, tossing your blanket off and standing up. You weren’t just going to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself. Instead of sitting in silence, eating a thing of raw cookie dough, you bounded up the stairs, forcing yourself to keep moving. Throwing off your sweatshirt you had stolen from Jensen, you pulled on a low-cut black top, pairing it with your favorite ripped jeans. With a quick dab of perfume and lip gloss, you climbed into your little hatchback, turning it towards your favorite bar.

The place was packed. A group of college kids playing pool in the back and a bridesmaid group giggling like crazy in one of the booths. You took the only stool left at the bar, quickly ordering a whiskey. Downing it, you held your fingers up, ordering a second while you glanced around the bar.

Twangy country music played in the background, muffled by the loud laughter of the college boys. They didn’t hold your attention long as you continued to glance around the dimly lit bar. A couple of older gentlemen were the only other ones sitting in a booth. A group of men about your age took the last of the bar stools, watching the football game on the TV. Nothing that interested you, or could take your mind off of things.

“Fine, I’ll stick with the whiskey,” you muttered to yourself, knowing it was the smart thing to do. Whiskey would give you a headache in the morning, but that was it. A slight reprieve for the night.

That Saturday morning you snuggled deeper into your bed, planning on spending the day tucked under the covers. Sure, you’d probably surface at some point to find something to eat, but otherwise, you felt like staying in bed for the day. Then maybe, later in the evening, you would hit that bar again.

“Y/N!” Jensen called out, pushing open your bedroom door. “What the hell are you still doing in bed?”

Sitting straight up, you rubbed the sleep from your eyes. “What the hell are you doing home?”

He sank down on the foot of your bed, and you could see how tired he was. “We filmed through the night to get caught up. Jared and I flew home at three in the morning.”

Lifting your blanket, you offered him part of your bed. Sliding in beside you, he yawned. “I did promise you that dinner.”

You snuggled back down into your bed, relieved to have your best friend back home once again. “We can do that later. Right now you need some sleep, and I could use a nap myself.”

He was snoring softly before you even finished your sentence. His long lashes fluttered against his freckled skin, and you pulled the blanket up over his chest. Laying there, you couldn’t help but think how lucky you were to have such an amazing friend such as him. If only you could find someone like him to fall in love with you.

Read Part 3

Dean/Jensen Tags: @acortez82 @acreativelydifferentlove @adoptdontshoppets @a-girl-who-loves-disney @akshi8278   @bi-danvers0  @cap-just-said-language @colette2537   @deansgirl215  @flamencodiva @hamiltrash1411 @its-not-a-tulpa @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @justanotherwinchester @just-another-winchester @karouwinchester @keikoraventeller  @krys198478 @librarygeekery @magssteenkamp @misspygmypie @mlovesstories @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk  @mrspeacem1nusone @nothinbuttrouble2​ @ria132love​ @ruprecht0420​  @screechingartisancashbailiff   @sortaathief​ @superseejay721517​ @squirrelnotsam @team-free-will-you-idjiot @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @thoughts-and-funnies @torn-and-frayed @tricksterdean @wonderfulworldofwinchester @woodworthti666 @beabutterfly987 @pink-sparkly-witch

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Forever Tags: @aditimukul @alexwinchester23 @algudaodoce03-blog @amanda-teaches @andreaaalove   @artisticpoet @atc74 @be-amaziing @camelotandastronauts @caswinchester2000 @cpag7 @chelsea072498  @closetspngirl @deanwanddamons @docharleythegeekqueen @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008  @esoltis280   @tatted-trina6 @foxyjwls007 @gh0stgurl @goldenolaf25 @growningupgeek  @heartislubbingdubbing @heyitscam99 @hobby27 @horsegirly99blog @imsuperawkward @internationalmusicteacher @iwriteaboutdean  @jayankles @jensen-gal @justsomedreaming @just-another-busyfangirl @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @linki-locks11 @littleblue5mcdork  @lowlyapprentice   @mersuperwholocked-lowlife @mogaruke @monkeymcpoopoo @musiclovinchic93  @nanie5   @percussiongirl2017 @plaid-lover-bay25   @roonyxx @ronja-uebrick @roxyspearing  @samanddeanmyheroes @sandlee44 @shamelesslydean @simonsbluee @sillesworldofwriting @sgarrett49 @spnbaby-67 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spnwoman   @superbadassnatural @thatcrazybookwormgeek   @thewinchesterchronicles @valsworldofcreativity @vvinch3st3r  @whimsicalrobots @winchester-writes @zombiewerewolfqueen

[erensnubs]

𝑳𝒂𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑱𝒐

Hanamaki Takihiro x GN! Reader

Based off of the Laurie and Jo Scene in Little Women

Summary: Sometimes first loves never work out

Content: Angst, pure angst

From pirate ships, to being monarchs and warriors of old, you and Hanamaki Takahiro, were best friends.

He was the little boy who moved in next door, snot running down his nose, hands stained with dirt as he offered you a piece offering of roly polies and leaves.

You were the little kid who rolled around in the mud and terrorized the other kids by throwing sticks at them.

Needless to say you immediately became best friends. And menaces to your parents, the neighborhood kids and society in general.

You were together from the young ages of kindergarten, you were there to witness Hanamaki's awkward stage of puberty. You were there to witness him making other friends than you and lovers.

He was there when he saw you make other friends than him, dating a lot of people. He was there when you were scared of going to middle school, was there when you had anxiety over grades.

You were there for each other all the time, ups and downs, triumphs and trials.

So it was natural, that Hanamaki fell, completely and hopelessly;

In love with you.

You're running in the grass, rolling around with Hanamaki laughing your asses off. You guys have just graduated highschool and the two of you, being the dumb bitches you are decide to skip the family party to celebrate your accomplishments. 

“We’re adults now!” You yell, half skipping down the hill and eventually trip. 

You pick yourself up and start screaming. 

“I’M FREE FROM THIS GOD FORSAKEN TOWN! WE’RE FREE!” 

Hanamaki laughs, “Yeah says the one who barely passed history.” 

He grabs you by the arm and drags you through the flowers of the field and sets you down, all the while you giggle deliriously. 

Usually Hanamaki would be laughing along, making stupid jokes about your laugh. 

But he doesn’t. 

And it scares you. 

Before you even open your mouth to say anything, Hanamaki plops down beside you and thoughtfully asks, 

“What are we going to do, [Name]? After here?” 

The question sounded serious not like those ones where he asked you if he looked sexy for prom or if his crocs match the vibe of the weather that day. 

You paused to take in the question. 

“Well... I can’t really answer that Hiro Out of our whole friend group we’ve always been the floaters. The ones that never really know what we’re doing...” 

Hanamaki turns his head around, baby hairs sticking onto his skin from the sweat of running. His eyes are looking at you, no they’re looking through you. 

He breathes out a yes, like he’s been holding something from you. A secret he didn’t want to tell. 

You turn away abruptly hoping he doesn’t see your slight change of attitude. 

“Iwaizumi’s going to America, Mattsun is getting ready for college, and you know Oikawa is going over to Brazil to pursue volleyball.” 

“I honestly don’t know Hiro. I get that we can’t be kids who run around more and throw dirt at each other,” you say laughing softly. 

Hanamaki scoffs, “But you wish it was like that huh?” 

You sit up and pick the grass from the ground and throw it randomly into the air. 

“Of course! I still want to get a pirate ship and go and travel the world with you.” 

Hanamaki raises his eyebrows, “And steal gold from random people?” 

You smile cheekily, “Of course. Then we’ll build our chocolate empire, something that could rival Willy Wonka’s.” 

Hanamaki stands up and puts his hand out to you. 

You grab it, but why do you feel like the gesture is something much more than a friendly hand? 

The two of you start walking, swinging your arms around as you joke about your chocolate factory, your pirate ships, the adventures you’re going to have. 

The sun was setting, the long, green blades of grass turning yellow as you and Hanamaki run through them, creating scars and bumps on your skin. 

You were going to miss highschool. You were going to miss groaning about exams and certain substitute teachers. Miss skipping classes with Mattsun and Makki to go get wasted with cheap alcohol. 

You were going to miss Oikawa and his stupid smile and Iwaizumi and his stupid nicknames. You were going to miss crying with the 3rd years over lost volleyball games. 

Hell, you were probably going to cry when Oikawa and Iwaizumi left to continue their lives. You might even cry when Mattsun goes to college even if he isn’t going overseas. 

But at least you had Hanamaki. Your dearest friend. Though your relationship has gotten deeper and you were able to confide with each other, you were still the 2 children that fought other kids on the playground. 

You could always, always rely on him. Because you never changed with each other. 

“[Name]?” 

You turn around and see Hanamaki. His eyes glowed with something. 

And it was not of the setting sun. 

“Yes?” You say, the sky turning darker as moments pass. 

“I know we talk about us being adventurous and going with the flow... but I feel like we could do something more, you know?” he says it quietly, his thumb subconsciously rubbing yours. 

You look up at him, “What do you mean? You just want to suddenly work a 9-5 job in a corporate company? We talked about this Hiro...” 

He looks taken aback, “No no, that’s not what I meant [Name].”

Hanamaki gets quieter, “We could always be little kids, playing with swords and sticks. Together.” 

You pause as Hanamaki looks up at your eyes. Together? You’ve always been together? Always. 

Wait. 

He couldn’t possibly mean. 

You pull back from his grasp, 

“No Hiro I can’t do that. Please no.” 

You start walking away from him and he advances as he argues, trying to salvage something. 

“[Name], no I love you and I have always loved you since we were little! I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else besides you!” 

You walk faster and wrap your arms around yourself, “No, no, no. Hiro you’re being ridiculous.” 

“Yes, YES!” 

“No! We can’t!” 

“[NAME]! COME BACK HERE LET ME SEE YOU!” Hanamaki says running towards you. 

You spin around and stare at him, “We can’t work Hiro! I could never love you that way, and I would be lying, God I would be lying if I said that I did. Our whole life together we’re going to be pretending.” 

He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration, “Why?! We were just talking about doing adventures together! Why is that any different than what I proposed!?” 

You stomp your foot onto the ground, “Did you not just listen to me you dipshit? I could never love you romantically! Ever! I care for you, I worry for you but Hanamaki you are my friend. My closest friend. You are the one thing in my life that hasn’t changed so quickly and then you pull this shit?” 

Hanamaki starts yelling now, “BUT I MAKE YOU HAPPY! AND YOU MAKE ME HAPPY! WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE, FOR YEARS [NAME]! YEARS! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU!” 

You start shaking your head, “No, don’t say that.”

Hanamaki starts rambling, “You always tell me that words and actions are your love languages- 

“Stop.” 

“And I’ve been doing it, [Name]. I have. I have been there for you, anywhere and-and-”

“Takihiro stop.” 

“And I can’t feel like this anymore. I can’t let you slip through my fingers and watch you run away from me like everyone else has-”

“TAKIHIRO STOP IT!” 

The only things that you could hear were the sounds of your breathing and the crickets in the grass. 

“Takihiro, you’re being a child. You’re being stupid and ridiculous. Do not let the fantasies of a boy ruin your future,” you say sternly, begging for your tears to not fall onto the ground. 

“You say that, [Name], and then run from everything that requires commitment,” he says sharply. 

“You’re a coward, [Name]. You’re hurting me.” 

Hanamaki is stepped away from you know and he starts walking away. 

“My life has no meaning anymore-”

You scoff, “Takihiro your love for me isn’t worth your life!” 

Hanamaki walks away and his voice is racked with sobs. Oh god he seriously does love you. 

Why? 

“Takihiro come back here!” 

You’re running towards him now, grabbing his arm but he pushes away. 

“Takihiro think with your brain! Just because we can’t be together the way you want doesn’t mean we have to sever all ties!” You say breathlessly. 

“I mean think about it, we could have never worked. You hate the fact I don’t eat your favorite ice cream, you constantly like to go out and I like staying home.” 

“I don’t care-” 

“I hate meeting your other family members because they look down on me, my family members have always been skeptical of you-” 

“I don’t care about that-” 

“And we would be miserable, Takihiro. Absolutely miserable with one another-” 

“No we wouldn’t,” he says stopping and grabbing your arm. Your noses were touching as his thin lips tried to connect with yours.

You pull away. 

“Admit it Makki. We are better off as friends, not lovers,” you say finally. 

“I’m ugly and I don’t care about my appearance like your other lovers do. I’m brutally honest with you and sometimes you cry about my opinion and-” 

“I love you [Name].” 

“I’m lazy and have no real goal in life, I have no foundation no, no rock or something. I don’t have a drive, Hiro! You’re going to be stuck with someone who doesn’t care.” 

“I love you.” 

“And you’re going to find someone else, a nice person, who likes eating your ice cream and dresses up. Who has a clear goal in life and someone your family will love-” 

“No one could ever replace you, [Name]-” 

You throw your hands up in frustration, “You’re mixing platonic and romantic feelings together and turning it into some big thing!” 

“No, I’m not.” 

“Yes you are.” 

Silence surpasses you again and Hanamaki starts walking away. 

You spoke up, “But-” 

He turns around again and looks at you with hope. Hope for something more. 

“That I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone romantically, Makki. I’ve gone years without.” 

Hanamaki scoffs and starts to laugh cruelly, 

“I don’t believe that, [Name]. You’re going to find someone, and you’re going to fall hard.” 

You sneer, “How do you know?” 

“I just do, you’re impossible to not fall in love with. You’re the sunshine in my life.” 

“Takihiro don’t say that, please.” 

He looks back at you, “But you are! You are my world, my-” 

“LEAVE ME! OH MY GOD LEAVE ME!” You yell at him and turn away. 

This was the 1st time Hanamaki hears you with that voice. 

"[Name]-"

"JUST GO PLEASE-"

"YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE [NAME]!” 

You spit out your words, “OH REALLY YOU THINK I WILL? ME? THE PERSON WHO TURNED YOU DOWN?!” 

“YES! YES [NAME],” Hanamaki says. 

“You’re going to fall in love with someone and you’re perfect, care free life will turn upside down and they’re going to love you. And you’re going to be perfect with each other-” 

“HANAMAKI-” 

“And I will watch. I will watch you grow and love this person. I will watch it happen because I still love you and I don’t think I’ll love anyone else.” 

“And I will watch you, I will watch you [Name], and- and,” 

You couldn’t bear to see his tears fall from his eyes, so you turn away. 

“I will imagine that it could have been me and you-”

“Hanamaki please-” 

“I don’t know what to do with myself but I will still take care of you and I truly love you, forever and-” 

“Hanamaki-” 

“I won’t ever stop, [Name]. Ever,” he says softly as he tries to reach out for your hand. 

You pull away, your voice breaking. 

“Hanamaki, go. I don’t want to see you right now,” you say softly. 

You don’t have to turn around to see him crumble. You can feel it. 

Because your heart was crumbling too. 

“I’ll go... get back safe, [Name],” he adds. 

You don’t say anything back, and hear the slow movements in the grass as your best friend walked away from you. 

Forever. 

The sky is dark, the stars seemed ashamed at your argument, and they don’t shine like they used to from years before. 

You stayed in the grass, silent tears on your face as you shielded yourself from the cold with your arms. 

You wanted to go home, but home wasn’t a place

It was a person. And his name was Hanamaki Takihiro. 

But home loved you, and you didn’t love it back the way they wanted. 

More tears flowed from your eyes at the sudden thought emerged from your eyes. 

You had no home anymore. 

AN: Another random little oneshot I did for my boy Hanamaki! Please comment your thoughts or reblog and like! I need constructive critiscm loves so I know what I can write and appeal to! 

Taglist: @saladskittles​

[thekillingjoke-haha]

What You Want

Marvel & Supernatral Bing, Spnquotebingo

Squares: Love Triangle and quote

Stucky(established)x reader

Warnings?: Slight reckless endangerment,poly hate(fuck you Karen),mutual love,ect.

Note: f/d=Favorite drink

Steve and Bucky have been a item since kindergarten and nothing has changed. Sure their older and they no longer needed yo hide it,but the love hasn’t faded a bit. The only time they questioned their relationship was when a shield against walked into the base and saved them all on her own. Y/n is a last call agent and that means when shit really hits the fan and not even the best can handle it she swoops in to finish the job. Seeing agent L/n is a rarity and they’ll never admit it,but they’ve been taking riskier missions to see her. “Mr.Rogers and Mr. Barnes you’re needed in the meeting room. Immediately.” The Irish voice brought them out of their slumber. Steve was the first to get dressed and in the briefing room and froze up getting pushed forward by Bucky.

There she stood next to Fury in all of her glory. The blonde’s throat went dry as she made eye contact with him as he looked down at her lips and saw they were moving,but the captain’s mind was to preoccupied with how her uniform was instead replaced with causal clothes that fit oh so well. It was Nick’s voice that snapped him out of it. “Roger…Barnes take a seat.” He said nodding towards the table. Both of them sat next to each other in the closest chairs.

“We need to speak to you about resent missions. It’s clear to me that not only has success levels dropped,but that your team is unable to work flawlessly.” The dark skinned man said. Steve was about to defend himself and the others,but was cut of by Y/n as she stepped forward to speak. “That’s why I Captain Roger’s is joining the team as your superior. ” Her voice caused the duo to freeze. Bucky was the first to get up. “Welcome to the team,doll.” He said kissing her hand with a smirk. This was the start of something great.

TWO Months later~

It’s been two months since Y/n joined the team and to say it was crazy was a understatement on its own. Her mind was often clouded by thoughts of the two super soldiers,but doubt and denial soon chase them off. The 40’s men are together and are open about their relationship she didn’t stand a chance. Y/n was so confused with her friendship with them both. Bucky was a flirt and always would throw a pickup line followed by a sweet pet name. Steve was the complete opposite he was shy blushing whenever they were in a room together,but he showed that school boy crush vibe by the drawing her and rambling when he’s caught.

Y/n couldn’t be falling for both of them she’s work so hard to get where she was today and that alone got her more hate then love. So admitting her love to them was definitely not an option. What if they regretted her? Their work and personal relationships will be destroyed. What if the media found out? Reporters almost disbanded the Avengers on multiple occasions and almost had the two soldiers benched with the anti-lgbtq+ community which was a hefty amount.

She hated to do it,but she tapped into her training and shut of her emotions and boy did they notice that. Bucky walked up to her as she was hitting the punching bag. “Woah,doll. Punch that bag any harder I would think you’re trying to hit on me.” He said with a smirk within seconds it went away when he didn’t hear a snarky come back or even a giggle. The brunette looked closer and saw she wasn’t wearing ear buds of any kind. ‘Is she just ignoring me?’ He thought to himself. It stared that way for a week before he went to talk to Steve.

Steve wasn’t having much luck either. Whenever he tried to talk her he was shot down and every picture her drew for Y/n ended up back in his room within hours of dropping it off. She was cutting them out of her life faster then they could react. Now they only saw her in mission briefing not even the missions themselves anymore. The other members didn’t notice a change in her behavior towards them,but they did see the emotional shut down towards the 40’s men. “What did you two do?” The flaming redhead asked them alone.

“We didn’t do anything! She just started to ignore us and acts as if she doesn’t even know us.” Bucky defended himself and his husband just as lost as everyone else. “Can you talk to her Nat? You guys are best friends she’ll open up to you.” Steve suggested causing the women to sigh and nod. “Whatever we talk about it will stay between us. She’ll tell you when she feels like it.” She stated and held up her hand when they tried to deny. Natasha turned around and walked off to the agents floor to talk.

The ex assassin knocked on the door not even waiting for a response before going in. There sat Y/n drying off her hair with a towel. “Oh hey,Nat. Did you need something?” She asked the women looking at her through the mirror. “Just some questions.” She said with a serious undertone causing the h/c women to turn around. “About?” L/n was no dummy she knew a interrogation when she saw one. “Buck and Steve.” Y/n tried her best not to sigh as she nodded. “What about them?” She played dumb avoiding the question as much as possible. “About how one minute your all heart eyes for them then it like you don’t know them!” Natasha snapped causing her friend to run her face. Her feels for them were so obvious Nat saw it a mile away.

“That’s the problem Nat. I shouldn’t be giving both parties of the happily married couple heart eyes! It’s not right their my best friends I shouldn’t feel this way.” Her throat felt dry with her confession. “And who told you that load of crap?” The Russian rolled off her tongue with a venomous hissed. “At the party two weeks ago. This group of women I guess saw the way Bucky flirted with me and how Steve blushed when I complained him. When I went to the bar they came up to me asking all these questions and saying all these horrible things about them…”

This party started of not so crazy,but leave it to Tony Stark to get the music bumping to max level and people to get drunk of their asses to match that energy. I was wearing a dress,but I wasn’t in just casual clothes either. Bucky stood to my left his voice was coming out clear enough for me to hear. “If the music didn’t beat me to it I would have knocked you off your feet!” He flirted causing me to covet my mouth so I didn’t spit the [f/d] on the floor. “Buck stop your gonna make me choke.” I coughed a bit heat immediately rushed to my cheeks at the wiggle of his eyebrows. “Get you mind out of the gutter,James!” I said as I smoked his shacking shoulders.

Steve bushed up against my side as he slid back into his place to my right. “Sorry n/n that I had to leave you to soon. Sam wanted a rematch at pool.” He said with a sheepish smile. “Did you beat his ass again?” I asked with a grin. He rubbed the back of his neck looking down. “Well…he’s not the one fifty dollars richer.” This caused me to laugh and give him a peck on the cheek a light lipstick mark left in its place followed by red blush. “I’ll never doubt you again Mr.America.” The smile on my face not faltering as a tap on on my shoulder made me turn around. “Wheres my cheek kiss,doll?” Bucky faked a pout. “None for you,hun, just for Stevie.” With that the pout intensified with a small giggle I bring my drink to my lips only to be met by nothing. “I’m out you boy’s want anything?” They both shook their heads their glasses still decently filled with asgardian ale.

The bar was open not many people their since most of them were trying to get in Tony’s good graces or his pants one of the two. Leaning on the bar next to a small group of middle aged women no older then forty conversed loudly next to me. “God did you see the arms on Thor?! If I wasn’t a married woman.” The youngest in the little click said in a lustful daze. “Those super soldiers though are something else.” I wasn’t able to tell who said that,but all of their eyes turned to the duo. “You know their married to each other right?” I’m not a nosy person,but dammit I had listen in. “I think it’s just a front. Why would the symbol for America a fag?! Their just probably covering up the fake that their sharing that slut that’s been seen on the team. What was get name?” The clear leader said and it pissed me the fuck off.

Harshly tapping on her shoulder she turned around and her eyes widened to match the size of dinner plates. “Hi,the names Y/n L/n or as you said ‘slut’ also known as…” I said with a smile that made the women shiver,but she cut me off. “T-that’s not w–what I meant!!!” She shuddered,but I held up my hand. “I wasn’t finished introducing myself. As I was say known as the most deadly assassin with the largest kill count in the world. So unless you want to live your pathetic life to it’s natural end I suggest you and your posy take a hike.” With a slight lift of my blouse I reveal a handgun along with so knifes. “Off you go.”

Without hesitation they all ran of not even caring that some of them were tripping up on their cheap heels. “What was that about?” Looking at the redhead behind the bar I give a convincing smile. “They had to leave. Lives they wanted to live.” With that I left without a drink and to my floor. It didn’t bother me in the moment,but her words sunk in. Did the public really see me like that? It was already hard when the great Captain America came out as bisexual to the world that had a closed mind. The thoughts made me think if I remove myself the picture all together and slow I did. First we didn’t hang out as much,then I started making myself more busy with solo missions, then last week it was just getting to hard so I tapped into emotional disconnection training.

“And it was working I think it’s best they’re a item and I’m that third wheel. It’s just better for me to leave them be.” Y/n finished speaking with her hands rubbing the tears that ran down her cheek. Somehow they were on the bed now and Nat was rubbing her back in soft circles. “Oh, n/n. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.” She said in all honesty. Natasha saw the way the boys were acting the first time they say her best friend after they were striped of their weapons and restrained in a hydra base they say her in a different light then she saw herself.

The redhead assassin stood up and kneeled in front of her. “Talk to them. The three of you are adults sure their a little stuck in the 40’s,but their moving along with the times. You think Steve knew what bisexuality was he was conflicted so just explain to them about how you feel.” Nat said holding her friends face in her hands rubbing her cheeks with her thumbs. “You got this. Don’t let those judgmental assholes,but you down.” With that she stood up and left. It was time for action and possible rejection…how fun!

The super soldiers stayed on their shared floor for hours stressed. What the hell did they do to drive her away?! Were they coming on to strong?Not strong enough and their stuck in the friend zone. Oh God. Steve sat on the couch while Bucky paced in front of him they were about to break the silence that fell before them,but was immediately cut off by the ding of the elevator. Y/n walked out once the metal doors opened and was greeted by the sight of them before her. She cleaned herself up after her talk with Nat not wanting her appearance to give away anything was wrong. “Hello,boys. I normally would want to be woken up from a nightmare,but it seems I walked in on a daydream.” She said with a smile as she sauntered over trying to seem more confident then she felt.

Y/n didn’t even get a response as she was pulled into a giant hug from them. “Doll we’ve missed you so much!” Buck was the first to pull away. “Hey!!! Cheesy pickup lines are my thing.” He said with a smirk. “I couldn’t let you have all the fun,handsome.” Everything felt so much better talking to them the mindless flirting it was just so right. “W-what happened?” Steve was the one to ask the question I was honestly dreading. “That party just someone said something that got me thinking. How can a girl like me ever get not one,but two guys like you to love me?” Y/n looked down at the floor. “I mean…first I appear out of nowhere, take Steve’s role as captain,and get cozy with two super soldiers the married couple. No wander the public seems me in such a light.” A hand gasped her cheek lifting her face up to look into beautiful blue eyes.

Steve looked into her gorgeous e/c eyes with hope. “You love us, n/n?” He asked wanting to make sure he heard right. She gave a wet chuckling as rears slipped past her eyes. “I just gave you reasons to hate me and that’s all you get out of it?!” Y/n sniffles as she brings hers to wipe her eyes. “Cause that’s all that mattered. Why should you give a shit what they think when we can tell you now that we both feel the same way about you.?” This caused the agent to freeze up. “Y-you both l-love me?!?” She didn’t know if it was a question to them or herself. “Of course we do,doll. You’re strong enough to give us a run for our money,more intelligent then the two brainiacs in the lab,so much sass it renders Stark speechless, everything about you is perfect to us. You are literally everything we ever wanted since we were kids.”

Y/n was now chocked up by happy tears as she looked into the two sets of blue eyes that held nothing,but love. “What do you want?” A smile graced her lips as she brought both of them into a kiss each equal as passion. “All I want is to be yours. Both of yours is what I want.”

===============================

Another in the bag lets go!!! 2 more coming out this month hopefully.

Tagged : @thisismysecrethappyplace and @spnquotebingo

Quote: “Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.”

-10 Things I Hate about You

[acloudofsparklingdust]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

[storiesbymads]

MEMORIES ( eugene roe . )

Y/N and Eugene are childhood friends from Louisiana that end up in the paratroopers together. Y/N remembers the time she’s shared with him after a fatal wound to the chest. REQUESTED ON WATTPAD

warnings: angst, death, bullet wound

wc: 1.2k

                                                   D-Day plus 25

"Need to take a look at that farm house," Welsh said. "Who wants to go?" None of the troopers present said anything.

Blithe poked his head up from behind one of the various shrubs and muttered, "I'll go."

"Anybody else?" Welsh asked. "Martin. Dukeman. Y/L/N. You just volunteered. Hubba Hubba."

"Damn," Y/N scoffed with a dry chuckle as she heaved herself out of her crouched position and closer to the front of the group.

"Blithe leads scout. Move out," Welsh said with a wave of his hand. Y/N, at the end of the small group, was just within ear-shot to hear Nixon ask Welsh something about his reserve shoot. She quickly blocked out the noise around her before she could hear any Welsh's reasoning for keeping the bulky fabric. It was the only way for her to focus in on the task at hand.

Blithe only took a few steps forward before Y/N noticed the smallest amount of movement in one of the upstairs windows. She shuffled over to the other soldier as quickly as possible with him still moving.

"Shit, Blithe. Sniper," she whisper-yelled. When Y/N reached him, he stalled slightly by placing his knee into the dirt and turning to face the others. Y/N nudged his ribs lightly and was planning on saying something snarky like, 'I saved your ass, Blithe. You owe me a Hershey bar' but, before she could even get a syllable out, she felt a sharp pain erupt in her sternum.

"Covering Fire!"

"Medic!"

"Covering! Fire!"

"You're okay, Y/N. You're okay. Everything's gonna be alright."

"Goddammit, we need a medic!"

All of the voices surrounding her where simultaneously muffled and way too loud for her too handle. She couldn't comprehend what was happening. She had no idea who was saying what; she barely understood what the hell they were saying. Her lungs were screaming for air but she couldn't get anything past the liquid clogging her throat. Her chest was heaving and her fingers were trembling --not that she could really feel either.

Suddenly, there was an immense pressure being placed upon her chest and she felt the faintest of breaths begin to fill her feeble lungs. Her eyesight, which frankly she didn't even realize she had lost, began to spot back into place. Eugene Roe was the first thing that she saw through everything. His face was scrunched into its usual focused expression and his eyes were glazed over with what she thought were tears. Granted, this was all before she felt someone's fingers prodding around in her open wound and her eyesight faded out once more. If there was any moment for someone's life to flash before their eyes, this was it.

"Gene!" she screamed as she jumped into a sprint to hug the boy in the doorway. The pair had just seen each other earlier that day at school but anyone who witnessed that would have sworn it'd been years.

"Hey, Y/N/N," he smiled and wrapped his small arms around the even smaller girl. He'd known her since he was six and both of the parents swore they were going to get married one day.

"My momma made milk and cookies! She said we could have some while we finish our homework," she beamed up at the taller boy. They'd been roughly the same height until Eugene had a growth spurt last year in the third grade.

"You mean me doing both of our homework all by myself," Gene said with a fake scowl. He honestly didn't mind doing her homework for her but he would never let her find out about that.

A new memory faded into her subconscious. Her and Eugene were in high school now.

"You're too smart for your own good, ya know that?" Y/N sighed as the pair sat on her living room couch. Her legs were propped up on his lap as he ran his fingers along the expanse of skin left uncovered by her night shorts. Their mothers had reluctantly agreed to allow them to have a sleepover after all these years.

"So you've told me," his cheeks flushed a soft pink. Her hair was tucked into it's evening rollers and her face was bare of makeup but he swore she had never looked more beautiful than she had in the firelight that night. As for him, he'd managed to slip off his night shirt ages ago --they were more than comfortable with each other-- and all he had on was his thick pajama pants.

Another memory. They were applying for the paratroopers together.

"Fifty extra dollars a month, Gene!" she said with one of the brightest smiles he'd ever seen. He already knew she was going to be the best damn paratrooper in the whole battalion.

"I hope we stay together through all of this. I don't know if I'd be able to survive this war without you, Y/N/N," he said with a shy smile quirking up the corners of his lips.

"Me either," she said and wrapped her arm around his shoulder, despite the minor height difference. Their height ended up basically leveling out over the years they'd been friends.

Eugene and Y/N were ultimately disappointed to discover the fact that they had been separated into different companies during their training (able and easy, respectively). D-Day was the turning point, though, and by the end of the day, Y/N had been unofficially transferred to easy company as one of their NCO's.

The last memory that appeared to her defied the otherwise chronological order of her reminiscence. The pair were in Kindergarten, now.

"Hi, I'm Y/N Y/L/N," the girl said and extended her stubby arm out to the boy in front of her.

"Eugene Roe," he said and shook her extended hand. Y/N noticed how especially thick his accent was despite the fact that they lived in the same relative area.

"I like your shirt," she said. One of her fingers managed to poke him where his collar started.

"I like yours too." He copied her actions.

"Y/N, you can't... You have to be okay," her daze began to fade slightly. Her throat was still heavily coated in the liquid from before but she was able to maintain a somewhat steady base of breathing.

"I'm sorry," you coughed. "Gene."

"Don't be sorry. You're gonna make it. We'll talk about this day to our grand-kids someday and we'll manage to laugh through it. Not because this is an especially funny situation-"

"Our grand-kids?" she coughed again.

"Of course they're our grand-kids," he smiled that same shy smile he'd shown her back in high school.

"I love you, Gene," a tear slipped down her cheek. "I'm sorry I failed you and whatever grand-kids we had."

"You didn't fail me, Y/N/N. You could never fail me," he muttered before wiping the stray hairs out of her face. The last thing Y/N Y/L/N saw before her vision faded to black for the last time was Eugene Roe moving down to place a kiss on her forehead.

[sockparade]

tips for surviving the pandemic: things i learned from my immigrant parents

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a week since the WHO announced that the coronavirus (COVID-19) was officially a pandemic. This has been a long, challenging week for a lot of people and it is nothing short of terrifying to read reports of what is happening in Asia and Europe as many predict that we’ll likely endure a similar fate here in the United States. In the midst of all of this chaos and uncertainty, I’ve been reminded of so many lessons that my Taiwanese immigrant parents taught me. I’m sharing them here so that others might also benefit. Thanks Ma. Thanks Daddy.

你昨天已經出去了.

“You already went out yesterday.“

1. Learn how to stay home. Our family is eight days into self-isolating at home and Tony asked me this morning if I had cabin fever. And strangely, the answer is no. I’m not. Not to downplay the difficulty of this moment but my experience with this “shelter-in-place” ordinance reminds of pretty much all my summers between kindergarten and 8th grade. Both of my parents worked full-time so summer was just three blissful months of nothing. No structure, no plans, no camps, no playdates, and no responsibilities. My parents never made me feel like I was missing a thing by staying home and I don’t remember ever feeling bored. There were always library books to read, stories to write, and thoughts to journal. Hours were spent playing school with my big sister (now a first grade teacher!), making up random games like who can avoid touching the carpet longest, learning Kim Zmeskal’s latest gymnastics floor routine, writing lyrics to Kenny G saxophone solos, and rehearsing for our variety show that we would perform to our tired parents at the end of the day. And that’s not even including the hours we spent watching The Price is Right, CHIPS, Knight Rider, and Airwolf (yep, no cable).   

As a teenager I carefully plotted all my hangouts with friends so that I didn’t have too many consecutive days when I was out of the house. Whenever I asked my parents if I could hang out with friends, they would always say, “But you already went out yesterday. What’s wrong with staying home? Why do you always have to go out?” It was as if having too much fun two days in a row was off limits. If there was a big party on Friday, I would purposely make sure I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday just to increase the chances of being able to go out on Friday. I know a lot of people talk about how awful their high school years were but I was one of those lucky kids who had a really great group of friends that made me feel seen, loved, and cared for. The downside was that I couldn’t get enough of it. I was always thinking about the next hangout, the next event, the next thing. It took me all the way until my late twenties to fully appreciate the fine art of staying home and to finish my unexpected transformation into the expert homebody that I am today. 

I’m reminded of that old quote by Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." 

It’s great to be out and about, but it’s also really important to learn how to stay home.  

______________________________________________

晚上要吃什麼？清冰箱.

“What are we eating for dinner?” “Cleaning the fridge.”

2. Be creative with what you have. I love food. Not in a foodie sense, but I get a lot of pleasure out of eating. I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination. I thoroughly enjoy a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as much as I enjoy a fancy, inventive, Michelin-starred meal at Commis. What’s hard for me is when food is eaten as sustenance rather than with delight. But my parents taught me that you can always take pride in preparing a meal. No matter your ingredients.

My mom is an excellent cook. I know a lot of people think their mom is a good cook but my mom is legitimately skilled in the kitchen. There were some nights when I’d ask what was for dinner and my mom would just reply, “Cleaning the fridge.” 

Now for some, this might sound terrifying. But my mom could honestly make something out of nothing. I still crave my dad’s simple egg and garlic fried rice. My parents raised me to be able to make an tasty meal just from rummaging in the pantry and fridge for random leftover things. There were plenty of summers where lunches and snacks were an individual culinary adventure for each of us kids. I still remember the day I witnessed my baby sister add a Kraft single on top of her onion ramen noodles. She saw my confusion, shrugged and said, “You should try it, it’s good.” 

With all the hoarding folks have been doing during this pandemic, I’ve found myself feeling quite anxious. Trying to calculate if we have enough food. Estimating how many more meals we can eat at home before we need to make another grocery run. As someone who struggles with a scarcity mentality it has been hard not to panic. But then I keep reminding myself that I know how to make good food using just whatever’s available. 

You know, I was pretty disappointed with Mary H.K. Choi’s second novel, Permanent Record, given how much I enjoyed her debut novel, Emergency Contact. But I was absolutely thrilled with the shine she gave to what her protagonist calls “Hot Snacks”.

Here’s an excerpt from Permanent Record that is a beautiful ode to creative food mashups and immigrant kids everywhere: 

“I edit and post a Shin Ramyun Black video set to music. My favorite instant noodles with three flavor packets and so much garlic. It’s a classic Korean HotSnack, especially when you throw in cut-up hot dogs, frozen dumplings, extra kimchi - and this is where the artistry comes in- eggs, cheese, corn from a can, and a drizzle of sesame oil on top. And furikake if you’re feeling wealthy. The next night I put up a bacon, egg, and cheese not in a bagel but in a glazed honey bun. Laced with sriracha and pan fried on the outside. Then it’s chilaquiles with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and chorizo. Jamaican beef patty casserole disrespected with a smothering of Japanese curry and broiled. With Crystal Hot Sauce over the top and pickled banana peppers. I’m trolling with that one but the controversy is berserk. When I run out of old videos, I make saag paneer naanchos with Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food, and it’s a hit. Especially when I add yogurt and a thick layer of crushed-up Takis on top.”

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看連續劇.

“Watch soap operas.” 

3. Find a way to escape. I’m generally pro technology but I’ll admit I’m a little bummed at the way iPhones and iPads have made TV viewing such an individual activity. I like how Disney+ has gotten some families back to watching TV together again. Although I will say, we really coddle our kids these days. I grew up in a time when movie ratings only applied in the theaters and we watched movies with our families like Alien, The Fly, and Gremlins. We were scared out of our minds and sometimes could only watch through the cracks between our fingers covering our eyes because it was so scary. Okay, this also might be why I can’t watch horror movies as an adult. 

From a young age, my parents taught me that watching other people’s drama unfold on screen is one of the best way to escape your own drama. Some people say binge watching became a thing when the TV networks started releasing shows on DVD. Others give credit to Netflix releasing their original content a whole season at a time. But truth be told, I first learned how to binge watch from my parents. 

We would rent 30-40 VHS cassette tapes from that random spot in Bellaire Chinatown. Can you picture it? You needed multiple plastic bags to transport that many VHS tapes. 

Do you remember the one about the dying mother who needed to find homes for each of her 7 children? I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to cry so much but you better believe it’s made me learn the true value of a soap opera escape hatch. 

Are you in a pandemic? Now’s the perfect time to pick up that YA novel, binge that reality show, start that kdrama, or rewatch all six seasons of The Sopranos again.

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下個禮拜會下雨.

“It’s going to rain next week.”

4. Be informed about what’s ahead. If you ask either of my parents about the weather at any given time they can reliably tell you the daily percent chance of precipitation and humidity for at least seven days out. They’ve always been this way. They would inform me of the weather at various points throughout the week. They planned their yard work and car washes around the weather forecast. There’s something about the way the weather forecast is available to everyone. And it feels like it’s just a matter of making the small extra effort to access it and gain a slight advantage. I feel like so much of the immigrant mentality is to be diligent in making the right choices to not screw yourself over and seizing opportunities whenever you can. And it wasn’t just weather but this is such an obvious example of it. 

I remember my dad saying to me once, "Can you imagine if someone decided to read every book in their local library? If they just went shelf by shelf and systematically read all the books? You could do it, you know. It’s free, it doesn’t cost any money to check out a book from the library. But no one really does it.” 

I think immigrant parents get a bad reputation for forwarding chain letters and health/science hoaxes they get on email, WeChat and Line. And in a pandemic, yes, they are definitely susceptible to misinformation, rumors and flat out untruths. But the thought behind it seems right. 

The mistrust of government leadership is actually quite relevant right now in this pandemic. Many immigrants left countries with governments that were overtly corrupt, oppressive, and used propaganda to influence its citizens. And while many Americans still take pride in living in a country that verbally champions freedom and democracy, the truth is that our government has already failed us and lied to us in many ways. During this pandemic, we cannot wait on leaders to tell us what to do. We must be diligent in reading for ourselves, seeking experts, using our critical thinking skills, and making preparations accordingly.

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會不會冷?

“Are you cold?” 

5. Check in with yourself. Check in with others. I have so many memories of my parents walking through the living room and asking me and my sisters if we were cold. It felt like they couldn’t walk past the thermostat without asking us if they needed to raise it or lower it. As if they couldn’t hear us sneeze and wonder if they needed to turn off the ceiling fan. They couldn’t see us sitting in a dim room without turning on a light for us. There are so many times I fell asleep reading on the couch and woke up with a blanket over me. Or sometimes I was fully awake doing something random, like playing Egyptian Rat Screw with my sisters (a cardgame for the uninitiated), and my mom would walk by and wordlessly drop a warm, heavy blanket over my shoulders. That’s care, y’all. Consistent, immediate action, and often without words.  

The tip here is to pay attention to your discomfort during a pandemic. There’s this immigrant stereotype of stoicism and that’s true to some degree but maybe the resilience is made possible not because of unnatural toughness but largely because immigrant parents can also be so incredibly perceptive and tender in some very tangible ways. 

When everything is chaotic around you and you’re busy multitasking these next few months, don’t ignore your needs. Notice how you’re feeling. Physically and emotionally. Where are you carrying your stress and tension in your body? You don’t have to tough it out. Oh and remember to check in with your people on how they’re feeling. Is there a light switch you can turn on for someone? 

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笑死人.

“Laugh to death.” 

6. Laugh to survive. Look, we didn’t have the perfect family or anything like that. We’ve definitely had our share of difficult times, financial stress, health issues, arguments, and pain. But my parents also really knew how to laugh and taught us to laugh with abandon. Like, bent over, tears running out of your eyes, can’t breathe kind of laughing. Our dinner table was kind of like a writer’s room. It was difficult to tell a mediocre story. You had better come prepared with a punchline or a point. It was a tough crowd, every night. On many occasions I stopped myself halfway through a story upon the self-realization that there was no real way to land the plane. Polite laughs were nowhere to be found, except perhaps a charitable smile from my baby sister. But it didn’t stop us from trying. I think my sisters and I are all probably better storytellers for it and we definitely have learned to try to bring humor into difficult times.  

I know that this pandemic is so incredibly dark and depressing that it can sometimes feel disrespectful, inappropriate, or childish to laugh at anything. But my parents taught me that you laugh to survive. Nothing is ever so dark that you can’t find a reason to laugh. And sometimes you really need to find something to laugh about.

I’ve been taking long breaks each day from major media news outlets but I have been finding such joy and laughter from the meme creators on IG and the comedic geniuses on Twitter. In Taiwanese when something’s really funny, people will say a phrase that is imperfectly translated as laugh to death. Like you killed a person it was so funny. Now’s the time to find that content or those people who will get you to laugh to death. 

______________________________________________

我要去挪車.

“I’m going to go re-park the cars.” 

7. Go to bed with a plan for the next morning. I grew up in a suburb of Houston, Texas where one property developer built the entire neighborhood and used the same eight or nine floor plans for all the houses but changed up the brick and trim color to keep things interesting. Most homes have a long driveway that connects a garage set near the backdoor of a home to the street. By the time I was driving, we had four cars in total -- two in the garage and two on the driveway. At the end of the day when everyone was home for the night and my dad was getting ready to go to bed, he’d announce, “I’m going to go re-park the cars.” Then we’d all kind of stop what we were doing and rearrange the order of the cars to match our morning departure schedules. This meant figuring out who was leaving when in the morning and sometimes also prompted brief check-in conversations about any changes in our usual routine. 

In a pandemic it can sometimes feel like there are a million different things to attend to and large conceptual concerns that demand your attention. But there’s something calming and centering about spending a few minutes each night thinking through specifically what needs to happen just tomorrow. Not the day after or next week. Get super tactical and specific about what tomorrow morning looks like. Check-in with your partner about any aberrations to your schedule (e.g. I have a super important conference call at 7am tomorrow) to minimize any unnecessary surprises. There’s something magical about setting up your morning that helps you rest just a little easier at night. 

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星期三我們有禱告會.

“On Wednesdays we have prayer meeting.”

8. Make time for your spirituality. Growing up my parents both had physically demanding jobs. My mom was a seamstress for many years, providing alterations at my aunt and uncle’s dry cleaners. She later worked in an elementary school cafeteria and then eventually became a classroom aide for special needs students. My dad worked at that same dry cleaners for years until he got a job at the post office. He then became a letter carrier, delivering mail on foot. The summer months were especially grueling, carrying a heavy sack of mail in 100 degree, humid weather, and walking until sweat soaked his shirts and blisters formed on his feet. They had every excuse to skip weeknight events. But unless they were sick in bed, I can’t remember a time when they missed their weekly prayer meeting with their friends from church.  

Pandemics have an unsettling way of forcing us to confront our mortality and can trigger a bunch of unresolved shit that has been bubbling underneath the surface. We’ve lost some of our usual coping mechanisms and it can be super hard to quiet the anxieties, fears, and other demons that we usually try to keep under control. This isn’t a lecture about a particular faith or belief system. It’s just a reminder to prioritize your existential questions, your interior life, and your connection to things much bigger than yourself -- whether that’s a community, a yoga practice, a faith group, a tradition, or something else. 

I have a fledgling meditation practice that I’ve been trying to strengthen since last year. When I say fledgling I mean that sometimes I bail before the ten minutes is up and check my phone. Even though I’m not very good at it yet, I can really tell the difference on the days that I make time for it. Our church started hosting its weekly Sunday service online and that’s challenging for me because a church service feels like it’s designed to be so much about the physical rhythm of going to a place, seeing faces of people I love, hearing their voices co-mingling with mine in song and in prayer, and tasting the bread and wine in my mouth. The online service was short, and just for viewing through a zoom conference call, but there was still something meaningful about setting aside that time Sunday morning, asking our wiggly kids to be present, and saying the liturgy out loud knowing that in homes all across the country, other people are doing the same. 

If things are really going to get as bad as some are predicting, we’ll need the spiritual strength to make it to the other side. Those habits are hard to form overnight. My parents taught me that you really have to make the time for your spirituality non-negotiable, so that you won’t abandon it when it’s inconvenient or when you are too tired.    

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沒辦法.

“What choice do we have?” 

9. Rise to the occasion. Whenever my parents are telling old war stories about things they had to do to get to where they are today, inevitably one of us will say, “Man that’s crazy, how did you manage to do it?” And instead of pointing to some super personality trait of theirs or some complex self-help principle, they always say, “We had no choice.” It’s not said in a defeated way, but in a posture of accepting that life can be cruel, unfair, and capricious. And that it’s not helpful to dwell too long on the why’s and how’s. My parents taught me that you can’t stay in despair mode. You eventually have to push yourself into problem solving mode and you do whatever it takes to move forward.  

This coronavirus is so unlike anything we’ve ever experienced in our lifetime. It is so unprecedented for me that my brain is having a hard time processing the reality of what’s happening right now and the rest of my lived experience. I spent the first few days of this week just being overwhelmed, anxious, angry, and irritable. At this point though, I’m in go mode. I’m doing what needs to be done for our family and taking care of business. What choice do we have? I can hear my parents saying it. One day, if we’re lucky, we’ll say it to our kids too. 

[purplesurveys]

831

When you were a kid...

Were you happy or sad when you found out your babysitter was coming? I didn’t have a babysitter. My grandparents took care of me and my siblings and cousins when we were growing up; and if they were both busy I was usually the one expected to care for everyone. Which was okay with me, since I was the most ~motherly~ one in our little group anyway.

Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten? I studied in an all-girls school from kinder to high school. Outside of school, also no boyfriends. The boys at my neighborhood were super rowdy and hated girls, so I didn’t like hanging out with them.

Did you ever play hopscotch at school? For sure. I was a little mischievous - I would steal a bunch of chalk from the classroom so I can doodle a hopscotch court on school grounds for me and my friends to play on. I definitely wasn’t the most goody-two-shoes kid in the beginning, lol.

Did you refuse to eat your vegetables? Yeah, hated them. We have this local brand of instant noodles that have pieces of carrot in it, and I remember grouping all the tiny carrot bits at the edge of my plate. I didn’t learn to feed myself until I was around 8 or 9 though, so prior to that my elders would just include vegetables in all my meals and I’d have no choice.

What did you usually dress up as on Halloween? Some basic costume like a witch or pirate. My mom wasn’t super into Halloween and would just get us costume packs from the toy store. I wanna be the complete opposite for my kids.

What was your favorite television show? As a much younger kid I was into Hi-5. When I got a bit older I liked Pokemon, SpongeBob, The Fairly OddParents, My Life as a Teenage Robot, etc. Then when I got slightly older I started watching the real-life shows too, so like That’s So Raven, Suite Life, Drake and Josh, Zoey 101, Hannah Montana. Did you have D.E.A.R. time in school? (Drop Everything and Read) Yes, a few times each year. When I was still a bookworm it had been one of my favorite segments in school because I got to see other kids reading, which was my favorite hobby then. But by the time I was in high school and stopped reading, I remember always struggling to find a book to bring because I didn’t read anything anymore D: If I remember correctly, I think Athenna lent me most of the books I brought for DEAR time since at the time she was into John Green and YA in general. Did you ever read the 'Magic Treehouse' series? No. I googled it to see the cover, and I know as a kid it wouldn’t have interested me enough to pull it out of its shelf. How about the 'Bailey School Kids' series? Nope. Kids my age were into the Geronimo Stilton and Mr Men/Little Miss series. Do you remember the first movie you ever saw in theaters? Yes, it was a Stuart Little movie when I was maybe 3 or 4. I’m guessing it’s Stuart Little 2, because Google says it came out in 2002 and I was 4 years old then, so it checks out. Who was your best friend in elementary school? Angela was my best friend in some grades, but you know how kids are...once they vibe with someone else, they’ll hang out with them 24/7. Angela was a way more sociable kid so she got close with everyone, while I remained terrible at making friends. If she wasn’t my best friend at the time, I had no one. Did they continue to be your best friend in middle school? We don’t have middle school but I’ll guess that this is like Grade 6 and 7 for us? Anyway, no. ~Middle school~ was worse for me because this was when cliques started to form and material trends became the basis for being visible, e.g. owning a Blackberry, wearing Nike Roshes, getting side bangs lol, etc. I had none of those, so I was left behind both in terms of visibility and having friends. I only had a best friend again by the time I entered Grade 7, in which time I met Gabie and the ball started rolling from there. Did you ever watch 'The Land Before Time' movies? No, I didn’t. Did you ever watch the show 'Arthur'? I don’t think it aired here, so no. I did read Arthur books though; they were one of my favorites. Did the tooth fairy give you a lot of money? I honestly thought the tooth fairy was real. I never told my parents whenever a tooth would come out because I thought it was none of their business. That said, they just genuinely never knew to put money under my pillow because my dumbass never told them hahaha. I’ll never forget how crestfallen I was when I woke up to no money though. How often did you visit your nearest grandparents? I lived with them until I was 10. I only visited my other set of grandparents whenever my dad would come home from abroad, so I didn’t and haven’t ended up being close to them. Did you ever play with 'Little People' toys? Never heard of them but when I looked it up the toys looked familiar, so we probably did. How about Polly Pockets? Yes. Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Pokemon cards and pogs, heh. I also had my fair share of notebooks. Did you get an allowance? No, my parents didn’t teach me how money worked early on. I was a packed lunch kid until high school, and when I did ask for money I – and I’m not kidding – would only get a ₱20 bill, which was only enough to get me a tiny snack. What was your favorite sport to play? What is it now? Track, but then it shifted to table tennis when I joined the table tennis club initially out of peer pressure. What foods did you not like then that you do like now? Chicken curry, definitely. Were you into American Girl dolls? No. What was your first pet and what did you name it? It was a goldfish but I don’t remember whether I named it Goldie or Fishy, lol. Did you ever read the 'Junie B. Jones' books? No. What did you want to be when you were a kid? All the things I wante to be were astronaut, firefighter, veterinarian, and writer. What was your first word? Your first sentence? (If you remember) My parents didn’t keep track of either...I definitely would with my own kids. Have you moved into a new house since you were a kid? Yes, several times. When I was an infant we briefly lived with my dad’s parents in Manila. My mom couldn’t take the poverty and pollution there so we moved to a city in Rizal, where my mom’s parents + some extended family live in a duplex. At one point we switched houses in that duplex, and the unit that we switched to was where I lived for most of my childhood until we moved to our present house by the time I was 10. Were you friends with your neighbors? As a child, yeah. I was mostly friends with the girls though because like I said, the boys were super rowdy and sexist in that they never let us play basketball with them and stuff. Did you enjoy exploring your backyard? We didn’t have a backyard. Did you bake cookies with your grandparents? Sometimes! I would mix the dough and turn them into balls. :) What was your biggest fear when you were a kid? Flying cockroaches, because we had a lot of them in our old duplex unit. I also had an irrational fear of catching TV ads at night because I found them too loud and too vibrant. Who did you look up to most? My dad because I barely saw him as a kid. When he was lower down the ladder at his job he’d be gone six months and only stay with us for one. It wasn’t until I got to high school and he had a much higher position that he was away for only four months and home for one and a half.   Did you ever play the 'Reader Rabbit' computer games? I don’t think I’ve heard of that. Did you have a swing set in your backyard? No but we had a relative who had a playground at their place, and we’d go over there often. I spent a good amount of my childhood going as high as I can on their swings. How about a sandbox? Same relative had a sandbox too! It’s my favorite part of a playground and even during playtime in school I would usually be found alone in the sandbox. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? I’m 22 and still don’t know how... Did you ever spy on your neighbors through the window? Sometimes. Our houses were very close to each other and their open window is right across the part of our house that also has an open window, so sometimes we’ll fool around and peek. Were you a teacher's pet in kindergarten? No, but I gave my teachers a reason to remember me because I was the kid that peed their underwear everyday and had to go home in shorts. I’ve always been shy and even as a kid I was unable to ask permission to go to the washroom. Did you ever build a treehouse or a fort in your yard? No, ours was too small to build anything like that. Did you ever find anything interesting in your yard? No, just different types of bugs and caterpillars. Did you ever have 'themed birthdays'? Kinda? My 7th birthday party was mostly a plain, theme-less birthday party, but so much of the decorations and giveaways were Bratz-themed because I was into Bratz at the time. Did your parents let you drink soda? They would have let me but I personally never liked it. Did you ever watch 'The Powerpuff Girls' or 'Dexter's Laboratory'? I watched Powerpuff Girls but not Dexter’s Laboratory. Did you sleep with a blanket or stuffed animal? For the most part I preferred cuddling with a pillow. Did you ever have a night light? For some points in my childhood, yeah. Ultimately, I preferred lights out though. Did you watch 'Winnie the Pooh'? Nope, just read Winnie the Pooh books. Did you ever have an imaginary friend? What was their name? I named them Katrina but I wasn’t imaginative/creative enough, so when seven minutes passed after I created her and she still wasn’t talking back to me, I gave it up haha. What kinds of games did you play with your friends during Recess? Dodgeball was a favorite. We had a big field just right outside our classroom so we’d all go out, pick our teams, and play for the whole 30 minutes. We’d do it for lunch, too. Fortunately our teachers never barred us from playing, because I guess they knew it counts as exercise for us too. Did you dream of being a princess or did you not really care about that? Not really. I wanted to be an astronaut more haha. The only princess-y things I did were to wear my blanket around my neck like a cape, and to wear a tiara on my 7th birthday party. Did you have a special name for your pacifier? What was it? No. Did you watch 'Blues Clues'? Yesssssss. I grew up with Steve and Joe. It was such a fun show to watch. What kind of car did your parents have? I don’t remember the make anymore but we had a black sedan until I was around five. It was mostly broken-down and had no aircon, but it was my dad’s first car so it was his absolute baby and I never had the heart to complain about the car’s flaws to him. He eventually sold it and we had a blue Mitsubishi Lancer after. Did you ever flush anything down the toilet by mistake? I don’t remember ever doing that, thankfully lol. Were you afraid to sleep by yourself? No, I think I was excited to start doing it. Growing up in a cramped duplex, I shared one bedroom with my entire family until I was around 9; so when we moved to our own home, I was the first one to call dibs on a bedroom. What was your favorite subject in elementary school? Language, which is a class where we were just taught basic English grammar. I loved reading as a kid and got fluent in English early on, so I was always a top student in that subject. How often did you go to the park? We don’t have parks. What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid? Chocolate cake from Red Ribbon. Did you ever want to grow up? I never actively ‘wanted’ it because I was already kinda forced to grow up early, what with all the issues happening at home and me having to shield my siblings and cousins from whatever screaming match was happening inside.

[jewish-privilege]

In October 2015, I found myself in a frightening situation: My name and face on a Neo-Nazi website identifying me as a Jew along with several hundred other Jews in politics, civics, and philanthropy. The website, which I will not name, warned its readers that Jews were too influential in American life; that we were a corruptive influence on America. While it didn’t advocate actually killing me, I was marked as a person to be silenced.

“How likely are these people to actually kill me?” I asked the expert at the Southern Poverty Law Center, an anti-hate group that researches white supremacist groups. I had called them seeking answers. My husband was sitting beside me, his face full of fear. I felt a tiny kick, a flutter inside me, my hands dropping to my belly. “I should probably mention that I am 8 months pregnant.”

There was a pause at the end of the line. “It’s very rare for these threats to escalate offline,” the nice man began. “They want to scare you. They want to scare you so much you decide that you never want to write again. That’s their goal. What you decide to do next is a personal decision.”

You can see that I decided to keep writing. But thinking back on the advice he gave me, it almost seems quaint: In the four years since those threats, especially since the 2016 election, white supremacists spewing anti-Semitic hatred have marched in Charlottesville chanting “Jews will not replace us,” shot up synagogues in Pittsburgh and California, and murdered gay Jewish student Blaze Bernstein. Anti-Semitic assaults are up 105% since 2017, according to the Anti-Defamation League’s annual audit on American anti-Semitism. More Jews have been killed in anti-Semitic violence around the world in 2018 than in the last several decades, according to the Kantor Center, based out of Tel Aviv University, which researches and analyzes global anti-Semitism. In New York City, a major center of Jewish culture and life, the NYPD has reported an 82% spike in anti-Semitic hate crimes in 2019. In fact, Jews are reporting the highest number of religion-based hate crimes — this is particularly troubling given that Jews are only approximately 2.2% of the U.S. adult population.

And while the majority of incidents and assaults are committed by white supremacists on the right, there has been a concerning spike in incidents and rhetoric from the left wing, too...

As a child growing up in Boston, I knew anti-Semitism existed. I even experienced it from time to time — including when my childhood synagogue was defaced with a swastika. But overall I felt safe in America... I was grateful for a country that had provided Jews with peace and prosperity. America was a rare safe place for us.

Today, that’s different. The baby I was pregnant with is now a thriving, rambunctious toddler. But when we tour Jewish preschools, my first question isn’t about education philosophy, recess or student teacher ratios — it’s always about security. In just a few short years we’ve gone from history to fear.

To understand what can be done, first we need to understand what it is: Anti-Semitism is the hatred of Jews as a distinct people, as opposed to anti-Judaism that targets our religious beliefs and practices. Anti-semitism is a conspiracy theory. It depicts Jews as a cabal secretly controlling the world for evil ends, hurting innocent people to further greedy, cruel agendas. How those agendas manifest changes based on your worldview. If you are far left, it may be that Jews are imperialists who start wars to enrich themselves. If you’re a white nationalist, it’s that Jews are the ringleaders of the White Genocide. If you’re Minister Louis Farrakhan, it’s that Jews were the secret orchestrators of the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

Anti-Semitism is an ancient, chameleonic monster. It adapts to circumstances and seemingly new excuses for age-old prejudices to take hold. This is especially true in periods of political and economic insecurity.

...It doesn't help that we are also living in an era when conspiracy theories can so easily spread (from anti-Obama birtherism to Pizzagate to QAnon). President Trump and his cohorts on the far right capitalize and promote them, fomenting hatred and division through fake news and an assault on the truth. They accuse prominent Jews like George Soros of treacherous crimes, while consorting with and justifying white supremacists and their actions (“very fine people” Trump called them.). They act shocked and appalled when fear mongering, the mainstream legitimization of white nationalists, and dangerously lax gun control leave them with blood on their hands (as it did at Pittsburgh's Tree of Life synagogue).

And yet while I fear anti-Semitism on the right will lead to more violence, I fear anti-Semitism on the left will cause that violence and hate to go unchallenged. As American Jews face rising hate crimes and domestic terrorism, progressives have grappled with a string of unsettling scandals. At first, it was the way left wing groups downplayed anti-Semitism. In the wake of the 2016 election, for example, the Women’s March conspicuously left anti-Semitism off its unity principles, while left wing groups erased it as a core issue in Charlottesville, and were silent during hundreds of JCC bomb threats. Then it got worse. The anti-Semitism scandal surrounding Women’s March leadership unfolded over several tense months, during which they publicly associated with anti-Semitic Farrakhan and engaged in anti-Semitic dog whistling and bullying.

This controversy was followed by statements by freshman Representative Ilhan Omar, in which she fell into anti-Semitic tropes referencing dual loyalty, foreign allegiance, and Jewish money in her criticisms of Israel. Omar had many defenders who dismissed the charges because Omar herself faces Islamophobia and racism. But such tropes do feed the beast. As Ilhan Omar struggled to contain criticism and put forth multiple apologies for her comments, David Duke, the Grand Wizard of the KKK, came to her defense dubbing her the “Most Important Member of Congress.” It’s not to say that Omar should be held accountable for the words of David Duke. But it does indicate the way anti-Semitism — be it from the left or the right — can connect to amplify the threat.

While the Women’s March has taken positive steps to mend fences, like expanding Jewish leadership in the organization and including Jewish women in their Unity Principles, and Omar and the New York Times have apologized, the situations have led to increased division as anti-Semitism continues to spread, and becomes a political wedge issue, all of which creates increased danger for the Jewish community. In a time of increased concern about Jewish security, these scandals have had a devastating emotional impact on the Jewish community. We were taught by our grandmothers to watch for signs of danger — hateful words from across the political spectrum is one of them.

Over the past three years, I have seen anti-Semitism break and undermine strong community relationships and budding movements for justice. This what anti-Semitism does: It attacks democracy and transparency, giving authoritarian actors scapegoats for national problems. It endangers women, people of color, and immigrants as it strengthens and animates white nationalism, xenophobia, and extremist movements.

American Jews know this intrinsically and are frightened. The jump from hate speech to exterminatory violence has been a short one in the history of global Jewry. Many of us were taught about the dangers of anti-Semitism and how quickly it could rise against us from very young ages, especially for those of us who had family who were Holocaust survivors or who endured violence against Jews in the Middle East or Soviet Union. We need Americans to listen to our fear and take a stand.

The first step is to call it out when we see it in our houses of worship, living rooms, libraries, college campuses and kindergartens. This doesn’t mean we dismiss or “cancel” our friends, families, colleagues, and community leaders who engage in anti-Semitism. It means we tell them they are wrong. We educate. Jewish history is over 5,000 years old, and learning what narratives have been used to oppress Jews can be lifesaving. And then, let’s build relationships between communities that are under attack and frightened.

...This is what we need to do for each other: Come together to fight not just anti-Semitism but racism, misogyny, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, Islamophobia, and xenophobia. If we learn each other’s histories, warning signs and dangers and fight for each other, we can make the monsters afraid of us. 

[meganmaherstoryart]

Happy Autism Acceptance Month! :D This is a very quick doodle of my autistic character Chiaki with the autism symbol of rainbow infinity! I’m currently working on her story because I feel it’s important for there to be more books about autism written by autistic people, such as myself, to show that autism has a ton of wonderful things about it! My favorite aspects are how it gives me special interests which are so much fun to squee about with others and learn more about and immerse myself in, and how it gives me a superpower of sorts when it comes to being able to observe little details and notice things that most people just ignore (such as the way the light makes the wings of bees shimmer as they sit on the flowers)! :D

This got long, but below is a bunch of info about autism and Autism Acceptance Month, so please read it if you have the chance! ^_^

You are probably going to see a lot of posts this month about “Autism Awareness” and “Light it up blue” and see symbols like puzzle pieces. All of these come from the hate group Autism Speaks, who is trying to drive the narrative that autism is a disease that needs to be eradicated. They spend their research money hoping they can find a way to test for it in the womb so the parents can abort the child or find a cure for it. They promote a type of therapy that tries to get autistic people to learn how to pass as “normal” by forcing them to act in a way that goes against everything that comes naturally to them. Ironically, they don’t have autistic people speaking in their organization. Everything is from the perspective of parents and siblings of autistic people, and it’s all with the narrative that dealing with an autistic person is a huge burden and that being autistic is a fate worse than death.

We in the autistic community do not like the idea of “awareness” as it has that connotation of something bad you’re trying to prevent from happening, such as “breast cancer awareness” and “sexual assault awareness.” Their color is blue because of the false notion autism is more prevalent in boys (it’s not, it’s simply that the autism stereotype is how it presents in young boys so thus they get tested as kids while girls like me often don’t get tested and diagnosed until we’re adults). Their symbol is a puzzle piece, which has a connotation that we don’t fit in. Please don’t support these things or anything from Autism Speaks. Instead, please support groups like ASAN (the Autistic Self Advocacy Network) and our April event of AutismAcceptance and RedInstead. If you see any autism awareness or light it up blue things in your workplace or schools, please be an ally and ask them to change it to Autism Acceptance.

We prefer Autism Acceptance because we just want to be accepted for who we are! Autism isn’t something separate from us, it IS who we are. We have RedInstead because red is the opposite of blue. But I like that choice because it’s also a color associated with being passionate, something most autistics are if you get them talking about their special interest. And our symbol is the rainbow infinity to represent neurodiversity in general and the diversity of autistic people. Autism presents itself differently in girls and boys, in different age groups, and in different individuals. It’s like how all ice cream has that base of being ice cream, but it comes in lots of different flavors. We all have the base of autistic traits, but how those traits present themselves can vary from autistic person to autistic person.

Which brings me to how the majority of autistic people prefer identity-first language (autistic people) instead of person-first language (people with autism). Person-first language separates the person from whatever the bad thing is in the sentence, such as, “person experiencing homelessness” or “person with cancer.” This means that whatever you’re separating IS bad and you’re trying to show that it’s something “other” than who they are and they’re dealing with or have. It is very important to use that in those cases. But with autism, we don’t see it as a bad thing in of itself. We don’t see it as separate from who we are. It IS who we are. It’s like how you don’t say “person whose job is making art” you say “artist” or you don’t say “person who experiences gay attraction” you say “gay person” or you don’t say “person who has children” you say “parent” Those are all aspects of who you are, and for us autistics, being autistic is as much being a part of who we are as those things.

Now, I’m not trying to invalidate the struggles that autistic people face. We do have a ton of those, but they are all very much society-based for whether or not they’re a problem. For instance, eye contact is painful and extremely difficult for most autistic people. In a society like America where if you’re not making eye contact constantly while in a conversation, it’s considered rude and makes people think you’re not paying attention to them or their expressions. It makes in-person conversations difficult for me if I have to actively think about making eye contact, because that takes so much effort that I end up not being able to pay attention to what the people are saying. But in a society like Japan, making constant eye contact is what is considered rude, so it’s not an issue. It’s also not an issue when I’m with friends who know that I am reading their hand expressions instead of their facial expressions and allow me to not make eye contact, or in situations where it’s normal to not be making eye contact, like talking with someone who is driving a car and I’m in the passenger seat, or taking a walk side-by-side so we’re not facing each other.

And that is why we want Autism Acceptance. Please accept us as we are. We do things differently, we think differently. It’s very much like being left or right-handed. In the past, left-handed people were forced to write with their right hands (myself included in kindergarten until my mom found out my teacher was making me do that and she demanded the teacher allow me to use my left-hand as I’d been very obviously left-handed since I was a baby). But now it’s perfectly acceptable for people to write with the hand their brain is wired to do. Autistic brains are wired differently, and we just want to be able to live our lives in the way that our brains are wired to do.

Thank you to all of my friends out there who do love and accept me just as I am! ^_^ I’ve very grateful for you! ^_^ <3

[cmfrtlvls]

Brian Alexander Dahlems

1993 Born in Germany, left to Singapore at 13 Outgrowing Germany

I was born in one culture, the German culture. And when I came to Singapore I basically just finished my childhood. I wasn’t so attached to school, my friends. I was just getting aware of like “ah this is the place I live at!” That’s the time when we moved to Singapore. It was a crucial time.

13 in 2006 it is exactly the right time to move.

Was not so attached to anything, was just getting aware of others, places and people. It was the time I was figuring out "Who am I”

I wasn’t really happy in Germany and so I was really happy to come to Singapore to see something new. That’s when I got to know the international culture in Singapore which I find is completely different to the Singaporean culture itself.

Do you like Singaporean culture?

I grew up in this international environment in my school. With these kids but not many Singaporeans. Beside that, in where I stayed in Bukit Timah, I got to know some people around the neighbourhood and got to know the real Singapore as well. I got to meet the people who goes to Hawker for breakfast!

For the international culture it is always entered around the city district, the tourist areas. We are always in Sentosa and East coast, I doubt any of my classmates has seen Woodlands area nor Boon Lay or Choa Chu Kang area because there is nothing for them to see there. That’s the other part of Singapore which I appreciate, next to the whole touristy side.

Do you feel like you fit into the Singaporean culture more or the International/German culture? Generally the Asian people would look up to white people, as a upper class or a gem...

When I’m in the Singaporean Culture itself I’m quickly perceived as I come from the international culture in Singapore. Which is good because I want to be associated to “Ahh he is coming from the German culture” “Oh he is just a tourist” I don’t want to be seen as, I rather be seen as “Oh yeah he lives in Singapore even though in a different social group.” I would rather have that because I feel more at home at that, even though I am not quickly accepted in that actual Singaporean culture. That takes a little bit longer, more time to get used to an Ang Moh.

When he first came to Singapore in 2006, they are still new to accepting foreign people.

Now everyone is from everywhere.

I realised a couple of days ago when I’m staying in a HDB with a friend, people who were at the hawker they were looking, as if I took the wrong bus or something, or "why is he here?!” Now after a couple of days they realised that I must be staying somewhere nearby, like it’s nothing special anymore. They just get used to you after 2-3days.

How do you feel when people look into your Nationality?

I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I’m annoyed if someone looks at me and thinks “Ah! German!”

Because that annoys me a lot, even in Germany! I only lived in Germany until I was 13. I’m almost twice that age now. I was not defined as a proper German since I left the country at 13.

By now half my life, I’m annoyed by Germany. That’s why I’m so happy about my parents wanting to go overseas because they have always wanted to live abroad, especially my dad.

That’s why my parents gave me my double name as well. My full name is Brian Alexander Dahlems. Which is one English one German. If I ever decide “Oh I want to be German” I could just be Alexander and I could fit into the German community.

Alexander (pronounced “ Ah-Lex-Xan-Der” ) is a very common name in Germany. It is nothing special, where else “Brian”? Even in Germany people would regularly ask me “Oh are you British? Or American? Or half something”  That’s when I can always tell them “Ah, I am from Germany but not really from Germany. It is complicated.” It is always a very good ice breaker in a conversation. So when people asked “Ah where are you from? America or something” I would say “No I come from Germany but I just came from this small city” “Ah, but you never lived overseas” “Ah, actually I lived in Singapore for 7 years but that has nothing got to do with my name.” And thats how the conversation always starts.

“Dahlems” is also very german, I would rather drop that too. My ultimate goal is when they get introduced to me, I don’t want them to have any stereotypical ideas about me. Even with the name “Brian” I can be seen as American, British, just want to be a well rounded international person. I don’t like people connecting me to some stereotype.

What’s a stereotype about German people that you can think of?

I think the stereotype about Germany is that logical, on time, I follow the rules (“I stop at the red light!” Even when there are no cars around) Germany put rules in place so that they don’t have to think. That makes life easier for them, sometimes it’s good but it keeps them from changing to improve themselves. Which is really stupid, that’s why I also decided in my studies I don’t want to go into car industry for example. Because every mechanic engineer wants to go into the car industry. The car industry in Germany you have no more creativity, you have no more problems to solve with creativity. I want to be able to say “Ah I can find another solution to solve this problem.” Everything has rules now, by the books, to be regulated, etc. I find this absolutely annoying.

I also heard another stereotypes that Germans have which are not true at all. Not all Germans drink beer all the time and eat sausage all day.

Especially the punctuality thing, I have not seen it. I’m punctual but I have never met a German that is punctual. It could be a character trait that someone would have, but that’s not the stereotype.

There is a term called “Verplant” (Pronounced “Fla-Plan”) They make too many plans so they get mixed up with their schedule. They will say yes to making plans, will confirm, and then half an hour before the scheduled plan they will cancel because they have made a different plan. And they didn’t know, they forgot about it.

A lot of times I can see that a lot of people are “Verplant” and on the other side people are always looking for an upgrade. They would say that they would want to come along, but as soon as they find something that fits them better they don’t mind cancelling on you. They don’t stay true to their words. So that’s Germans to you.

What’s your current advantage right now?

No one in Singapore ever expects me to fit in. Because people say “Brian he does stuff differently because he learns differently.” I realised I don’t need to fit into a group. I’m fine being the odd one out. That helped me in Singapore because here it can be seen as something positive. Being the odd one out.

In Germany it is very negative. Singapore helped me to build this confidence in myself.

I was a different person in Germany, I was not confident at all, although I was individualistic. My parents raised me to be myself first, that gave me a lot of problems in Germany because I could not fit into any group. I got picked on, bullied, I had no friends in Germany.

They mock me, they would have inside jokes that I can’t be a part of because most of the kids have playstation, computer games, they always stayed in play computer games sometimes together. I was the kid where as soon as the suns comes up, I’m outside, cycling or some outdoors activity. I never joined in with them of course and therefore there isn’t much connection with the kids.

All of a sudden when I came here within half a year, I was the coolest kid because I was the odd one out, which I never thought it would happen! It’s not like I am the cool kid instead of everyone else, everyone in my class was different. So we all had something to share to learn from each other.

What if’s possibilities.

If I would have known that if I have to go back to Germany for my education, I would have done the same school system. I wouldn’t have gone into the International school system that I did. I had a chance in 7th grade to go to the international school system or to stay in the German system. If I would have known then that I would go back to Germany to go study at a university I would have stayed in the German system. Because I would have learn everything in German I wouldn’t have had to improve my German once I come back. I had a bit of struggle, luckily my course is very heavy on mathematics. Still, I realise that the German that I studied coming back from Singapore was all based on poetries and literatures. It wasn’t focused on the daily communication like going to the supermarket, getting food, I lost all of that in 7 years because I never practiced. I would have practice this kind of conversational German if I would have stayed in the German system too.

I only had 3 German classmates out of all 60 of our age range. Everyone spoke something different. My dad was the administration manager of the German International School, that’s why I could go into that school.

Where do you feel most at home?

I know that I definitely don’t belong in the German culture and I’m not a true part of the Singaporean culture. I feel most at home just being in the International culture. Like being in New York example it’s very big and vast. So I would feel at home almost anywhere as long it’s like a bigger city with an international surrounding. It’s good because I am not planning to settle down yet. I have a chance to go out in the world and find my culture that are different.

What is your plan for the next 5 years?

Third culture kids plan differently. We plan with the entire world within you.

In 5 years I want to stay in Singapore for 5 years and I want to be in another country that I have chosen as I want to speak one more language. It’s really in no connection to what Germans would say or a Singaporean would say, rig

Why do you not want to live where you are right now?

Because people here have their certain way of life, you go to kindergarten, school, high school, then you go uni, get apprenticeship, get a girlfriend, you get married, get a house, you have a job, you work in that, and then you finish. For the people who are living here and want to live here seem so straight forward. Since I throw something odd in these mix, it’s like “Hey! Lets have a multi cultural relationship of multi cultural people with each one of us living in completely different parts of the world, and we also want to leave the country and speak 2 languages as mother tongue which puts more things into my head. There’s so many more open doors." So I am afraid of closing the right ones, and closing the wrong ones.

I thought by the time I am 26 I would have left Germany. For GOOD. And that I will be starting for my further education. I have made a good start but it seems small in comparison to what I intended I’m not comparing myself to others but I am setting my own standards.

[saltyslack-toast]

How I deal with my puberty

“Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. They are treated like children and expected to act like adults”  – Anonymus.

Facing the ‘youth age’ seems to be very interesting for most of the pre-teen age kids, they thought it will be filled with good memories, cool friends, hangouts, parties, and probably some of charming boyfriends. Well for some of kids, teenage phase is the way it is, they called it for a ‘stupid phase of life’ because they have been through all those reckless and dumb things yet so exciting and memorable events at the same time, but for me teenage life is probably the most broken phase of life.

Start in my early teenage which was in the 5th grade of my elementary, I started having a crush with my one year older senior. Everything was went smooth, I used to have a lot of guts to actually approach him and surprisingly he responded it very well, I’m gonna count that shit as my real first love (since I already have a crush to boys since I was in kindergarten). He was soon graduated and I CRIED SO MUCH, I don’t even understand why would I cried so much back then, but it is kinda sad because that was the first time a boy actually like me back lol and also bc me and him not gonna be in the same school again because he decided to continue his education in Islamic boarding school which was so far away from the area we lived and obviously school which my parents not gonna approves me to go to. Last year of my elementary was the first time I got period, the changes all over my body was so appalling, my voice was getting more shrill and my breast swelling so much i started used a fucking mini-bra that has a cute character printed in it. Also, this stage filled with academics stuff to prepare the junior high school and fighting with my own teacher (she was terrorizing me through anon messages, dude not gonna lie but that shit is scared me as fuck) because…. That’s a fucking long-ass story I’m going to tell you a whole complete story on different page. I got a very terrific result for my academic stuff but I also start to received a lot of bullies from the boys in school, well that was poor but I still have a very good girl pals in school that always accompany me until I managed to graduate elementary school with a very keen grade and also knowledge that my body is changed A LOT.

My middle school life would probably the darkest stage of my life, I did enter one of favorite school in Bandung which I wanted to, but I’m not as happy as I thought to be. I’m amazed with all the bewitching seniors and that’s quite tempted me to have another activity outside the academic stuff which I hoped I could get close with the seniors and try my luck to actually dating with one of them (I was so obsessed to approach to the seniors because dude just admit it, u need that RECOGNITION to survived a new phase of school life, especially when u had a popular life back in previous school stage), but I joined a fucking scouting which was the most unpopular extracurricular activities in school (Pffffttt……….). The first year was quite so so, and up to the next years I really gulping a lot of bullies from the boys (again) more than I received my whole life that was so awful I even got scared just to attend the school. At this point, my level of confidence just dropped so bad until it penetrated the last form of earth soil, I was so insecure, I can barely made any eye contact with people, since then I became more closed to people, I was so scared for getting rejection, bad and all the harsh word from people I met. And for the record, I still remember all of their names, I’M NOT GONNA TO FORGET ALL OF U BITCH, U’VE RUINED MY LIFE.

Due to all the bullies I seized, I’m not maximizing my potential and have to accept the fact that I didn’t went to the high school I wanted so bad (which was the number one in Bandung, perhaps in Indo as well), instead, I have to go the high school (still one of the most-favorited high school in B-town though) that is filled with the most popular peeps in Bandung and known for the superiority of the all the seniors there, CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THAT? A girl who was traumatized so bad, scared of might get bullies since she’s not as beautiful, popular, rich or even attractive as most of the other girls in school. I was crying so bad to accept that difficult truth that I might got bullied again. But hey, there’s always a rainbow after the storm, turns out I did quite well in high school, I joined the student council and got so many good friends and capable of having group of girls squad (eventhough I always be the duff) and more active in non-academic stuff that lead me to a very bad grade result.

The relationship with my family is not went so smooth at all, I used to buried all my problems deep down on myself alone, and the result is no good. I was overly sensitive and got upset and explode VERY EASILY. My family doesn’t help at all, they also blame me for anything, made me hate myself more. I need to run away from this situation, I need to shed my resentment over something, AND THAT’S THE BEGINNING. I started to slashed my fingers with a cutter, not really bad, just until I saw blood drops over my fingers. But then the problem got more serious, I am addicted, after I had through a big fight with my family I start cutting up all over my hands, the blood is overwhelming (yet, I still had the time for doing the documentation, but obviously I’m not gonna post it in here anw, or maybe I will, ofcourse with a proper sensor), even when my sister have taken away all the cutters, I still use my nails to scratching my skin harshly until it get bleed terribly and left a very bad scars on my hands until now.

I failed academic stuff in high school miserably, and had to be genuinely accept the reality that I have to go to not-so-favorited-private uni in Cimahi, I took International Relations because that is the only major that is accredited with an A, lol but yeah my sister realized that I like to talk politics a lot and I’m not so bad in English (kinda true, nah still sucks). And yeah until now I just currently finished the 3rd semester very well. I got a very good grades (Probably because I regret my academic stuff so much in high school) and hoping that nice event will come up to me. My goals right now is to graduate college as soon and as perfect grades as possible, and got a very good job soon after I graduate, Oh God I want… No, I really need that things so bad.

Now I am 20 on April this year, so much things has happened in my teenage life but most of all is not that impressive because I came to be more ignorant(?), but geez I grew up doesn’t care about people, they are all so mean and cruel. But at the same time, people are so interesting to learn, including yourself. Teenage phase could be so difficult for some of you (just like me, or perhaps worse), but chillax that shit will over soon if you able to learn about yourself, finds out about anything you like and don’t, stop hearing all those shit opinion about you, what matter most is what makes you happy, focused on it and leave all the bad and negativity behind, and TRUST ME you’re gonna get over your hard-teenage-life phase soon! And if you were angry to your parents (I’m pretty sure that fight with parents happens all the time in everyone’s teenage life), take a deep breath and thinking something funny in your head, after u have control all the madness inside yourself, get over your parents nicely because that shit will never get over if you were just as emotional as them.

The more you grown up the more you understood about people around you, there are people that is fake, people that is actually care about you, and other types of people out there. Puberty might be shocking for some of you, you finds a lot of changes both in your physical and mental conditions, no need to be worry about that, is normal and very understandable. The passion for being ‘seen’ would be very strong, it would be good for you to use this ambition to achieve many great things in life but don’t forget to take care yourself and those people who care about you.

“Tough time never last, but tough people will do” – Robert H. Schuller

So yeah, that was the end of this boring and so weird writing of mine. I am so sorry if this shit was that bad and also the grammar errors that is whack (even though no one probably read it lol), this was my first experience to actually writing and posted in on any platform online, hoped my writing will get better next time!

Xiao!

[klausesdiego]

the trial of my gender by maggie c.

below is the personal essay i wrote for my creative nonfiction class. it documents and talks about my struggle with accepting who i am and how i identify in terms of gender. please read the whole thing and be kind. 

I sat at my dining room table, in the middle of the night, watching YouTube videos about people documenting their gender transition. It was fascinating to me, much in the same way that an outside observer would see any scientific study or conduction. To me it was simply that; I was an outside force that was interested in learning more about this topic. For research purposes. I was in 8th grade, so my fascinations tended to fringe to the edges of what was normal. I loved British panel shows, documentaries about serial killers, and even How It’s Made videos. Basically, I watched a large variety of videos that a typical 13 year old wouldn’t think to even look up. And one day I stumbled across the genre of gender transition videos. I believe I was looking up hair dying tutorials because this was around the same time I started experimenting with my hair color; regardless, I ended up watching voice comparisons, post-op surgery reports, and just vlogs in general of people venting their gender concerns. It wasn’t then and there that I realized that being transgender was a thing. I knew of it before that moment. But it was at the moment, the dining room deathly quiet and dark as night except for the illumination of my computer screen that I began to question my own gender.

Gender dictates everything in life. Everywhere you go, even from a young age, you are determined your worth through gender. And maybe it’s not as clear and forthright as you may think I’m trying to convey it as, but a closer eye can see that nearly everything in life, is based on gender. From an early age, even preschool or kindergarten, you are divided by gender. They tell the boys to be a group and the girls to be a group. And at that young age it is ingrained in everyone’s brain that gender is a binary. Gender is male or female and there is no inbetween. It won’t be until high school,l at least, that people will learn that sometimes people fall outside of those binary lines. Maybe you were a male who dressed or acted a little too feminine for everyone’s liking. Maybe you were deemed a “tomboy” simply because you prefered board shorts to bikinis. But at the end of the day, the people around you will label you as a gender that is either male or female. And that isn’t the case. If gender is a binary code of 1’s and 0’s, then everything that doesn’t fit within that code is labeled “nonbinary”. Gender non-conforming, transgender, androgynous, agender, genderqueer whatever you want to call yourself, there are things that lie beyond that binary.

Even when I was young, I didn’t know where I was supposed to fall in the gender binary. I knew that because of how I was born that I was deemed female. Assigned female at birth. That’s what some people call it. But it didn’t really seemed assigned. It didn’t feel like a government assigned label, like a social security number. It truly felt like a piece of my identity. At least, partially. When I was a freshman in highschool I finally berated my mom to the point where she let me cut my hair short into what I called a “pixie” cut. I tried to find the most feminine word for it, hoping that it would sway her opinion. This was soon after I learned the wonders of gender transition videos and watching them soon became a daily habit. In the end I looked like Justin Bieber from 2009, but I didn’t care. I was in love with it. My face was too rounded, my lips were too full. But my hair seemed right, finally. When I was a sophomore in highschool I came out to my parents as transgender. I wrote the date down in my calendar but said calendar has long since seen the trash can after one too many times of me cleaning my bedroom out of anxiety-ridden panic. I told them I wish I was born a male. And the funniest part about that? I don’t even think they remember. Sure, we had a good cry and my mom hugged me, telling me she would love me no matter who or what I wanted to become, but after that night, we never spoke of it again. My parents kept leaving little hints here and there that I might be a lesbian, saying things like “whoever you decide to marry” or “your future significant other”, but they never mentioned my gender. I was always going to be their little girl. And for a while, only my closest friends knew about who I was.

For a graphic design class I took in college, we had to construct a poster series about a serious issue that we were concerned about. The professor used his personal example of heroine usage in York, Pennsylvania and shared stories about it affecting his life directly. At this point in my life I was pretty confident in being unconfident in my gender, so naturally, I gravitated towards transgender-related topics. I learned that every 4 days a person who is transgender gets murdered. I made the poster in the style of a calendar with a bouquet of flowers every 4 days with the flowers being the color scheme of the transgender flag. I thought it was somber but albeit fitting. Learning that terrible fact was a shock for me. I knew that people who were transgender were discriminated, harassed, assaulted, and killed. But at that rate? It made me scared for my life. I was glad, for once in my life, that I presented myself as my biological gender. It was my safety net. Plausible deniability.

Rewind to high school, sophomore year to be exact, I started going by a different name, a more masculine name, online in gender support groups. My closest friend to me, the only one who knew about this whole thing, asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a boy. I told her it didn’t matter. It did matter to me though. I wanted to be referred to a boy but I didn’t want to go through the hoops of having to change everything about my outer life to simply appease the gnawing feeling inside of me. At night, I wished that I could just wake up one morning with a different body and a different background. It didn’t matter to me how or why, I just felt that all of my problems with who I was would be solved if I had been more biologically male.

One of my friends from middle school is transgender. He started transitioning in his freshman year of college and I followed his journey of finding himself through Instagram. He seems genuinely happy and I feel happy for him everytime I see one of his posts. A different friend of mine, from highschool this time, thought he was a lesbian at the time, and it wasn't until he graduated high school that he decided he wanted to transition to male and be who he truly was. Even at college now, I know of people who have found themselves and their gender through time and experience. They say that cancer affects everyone because everyone knows someone who has been a victim of it. But this works the same for the transgender community. Nearly everyone knows someone. And if they say don’t, then they probably know a closeted person.

For a few years after sophomore year, I decided to let my gender identity go to the back burner, after all I had more important things on my plate: college applications and getting my driver's license. It wasn’t until I was a freshman in college, going to my first meeting of the Gay Straight Alliance that I realized I could reinvent myself No one here knew who I was. So when it came time to say my name and pronouns, I said my birth name, a name I still hold very dear to my heart, and the pronouns “they/them”. It may look like dipping your toe in the water to some people, testing to see if it’s the perfect temperature, but to me it was like taking a running jump and going into a cannonball. I was out. No matter what I was. No matter what I identified as. I was not cisgender anymore.

The idea of cisgender became a hot debate online in forum posts all around. Some people saw the shortening of it to “cis” as a slur much to the way that transphobic people would call transgender people tr*nny’s. But, in reality, it was just a label that society had created to say that your birth gender matched up with the gender you identified as. Most people are cisgender and for a lot of people their knowledge ends just there. Maybe they don’t even know the term cisgender at all. Maybe they are blissfully unaware of the struggles that people go through everyday just by existing. Maybe they just don’t care.

My cousin came out as transgender in an odd way. Through Facebook. She just posted briefly that she had begun hormone replacement therapy. She was already known as the extreme left-wing of the family. She had moved out to California to pursue a degree in gender studies. We all assumed she was just gay, not that she was actually a she. My sister-in-law’s sister came out as transgender, deciding to transition in her late 30’s despite having a wife and daughter. It was then that I realized that being transgender, having a different idea of who you are than from when you were born, isn’t just a fad that people on the internet were adhering to. This was a real thing. I felt justified in that moment. And my feelings felt like they had some grounding for the first time in a while.

In the gender support groups online, I was still a pretty active member at this point, I started going by masculine pronouns instead, still keeping my name the feminine one I was given at birth. This raised a lot of questions as to why I wanted to keep my name, but ultimately it boiled down to the fact that my name didn’t bother me that much. In reality, it just seemed to bother other people more. Like they couldn’t imagine someone by the name of Jennifer being a male. But I knew that it didn’t matter what other people thought of me. I started wearing exclusively sports bras, trying to smother my chest as best as possible. I was on my way to becoming who I wanted to be.

A lot of people who are transgender call their birth names their “dead names”. They see it as exactly that. That other person is dead to society. They have reinvented themselves much like how a phoenix rises from the ashes. While I had experimented with other names, more masculine names, as stated above, I felt a deep connection with my birth name and I didn’t see myself changing it anytime soon. But then again, my reluctance to not change my name was not really based on my affections for said name. Rather, it was me, once again, not wanting to go through the hoops and hurdles of having to change my outer life so much to fit the way I saw myself inside. In my head I knew who I was. What did it matter that other people saw something different? At the end of the day I know that by the end of my gender journey if I decide to change my name, or at least go by a different name, I would be perfectly fine with that. But my birth name would always hold a dear part in my heart.

I came out to my parents as bisexual in an unusual way. It was actually before I went to college. We were on a road trip to visit one of the colleges I had been accepted to and we stopped at a Burger King for lunch. It was bisexual awareness day and so I posted something on Instagram about it. My mom turned to me, and just said, “So, bisexual, huh?” And it was left at that. You might have sensed a theme that my parents aren’t the best with continuing communication by now. I think, some strange part of me deep down inside of me knew, my parents were glad that in their eyes I wasn’t “fully gay”. There was still a chance I would settle down with a nice Christian boy and have 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. And there still is that chance. But there is also the chance that I find a nice girl and we settle down, opting for cats instead of children. I remember, years later, talking to my parents in my living room about weddings. My sister was getting married and I dropped the bomb casually that I may end up marrying a woman. My mother, my closest friend in the entire world, started crying at this. It left me shattered in a way that I haven’t fully recovered from. She told me she would always love me but that she didn’t know how she would feel if she had to have my father give me away to a woman instead of a man. I left to my room heartbroken and sobbed myself to sleep that night.

After I came out to my parents as transgender, I did a lot of research about hormone replacement therapy and how parents view their children who were transgender. I would sit on the bus on the way home from freshman year high school and Google terms like “what to do if my child is transgender” or “female to male teen transition”. I was trying to research what I imagined my parents would be researching. In reality, we know that they never mentioned again to me so for all I know, they never did any research. For all I know they erased that day of their lives out of their memory. For me, however, it will be forever ingrained in my memory. It was the first day I started being true to myself. I was truthful when I told my parents I was transgender. I was truthful when I told my parents I wish I would have been born a male. I just left out the part where I didn’t actually want to live my life as a male. Not fully. I was nonbinary. Genderqueer. Agender. Or even, all of the above.

My experience with gender isn’t anywhere over and I don’t see it being over anytime soon. As of right now, I identify as nonbinary, dancing in some weird abyss of not being female and not being male. I see it as more of a burden than an identity. The fact that I can’t pinpoint exactly who I am is frustrating, but a lot of people don’t see it in the same way. That’s the magic of it being a spectrum; there will be people who feel everything at every point in said spectrum. Some people out there will love being nonbinary and the freedom that it gives them. Most people don’t feel like me. Most people don’t see being nonbinary as a burden or something at fault. But for me, I hope to one day find myself and who I truly am, even if that is what I already know.

When I first cut my hair short freshman year of high school, someone asked me if I was gay. Gay, in today's terms, sort of means the same as queer. Anything other than the normal. Gay emcompasses anything revolving around the LGBT community for some people. I told them no. It felt like cutting a piece of myself out. One of the deadliest sins a Christian can commit is denying their Lord. When asked if you are a Christian, a Christian must respond yes, or else they sacrifice their ticket to their afterlife. To me, answering no felt like I was denying myself that ticket to the gay afterlife. If asked that same question today, I would look them in the eye, think of the LGBT heaven I was destined for, and say yes.