#i know this sounds a bit like a youth pastor

[rose-in-the-snow]

The Communion of Saints is the best found family

[poppyfamily]

hello no one asked but i brainrotted a bit over a charashamangela church choir/youth group au bc of That games video. thoughts under cut.

tw: minor religious trauma lol

Chanse and Angela growing up in the church. Each of their parents pushing them to be more active in the church through children's choir. Chanse probably starts earlier, maybe like a month before Angela. Chanse is the type of kid who their choir director had to be told to stop riffing because the purpose of a choir is to sound the same, Chanse. But Angela takes to him immediately and they become best friends.

They are eventually invited to join the church's youth ministry and they get so into it, probably dancing to One Way Jesus very enthusiastically. It's a staple for them to play Joseph and Mary during Christmas plays and are like super chill when facilitating prayer sessions. (They understand that people aren't necessarily there for Jesus or w/e but believe that the spirit of the ministry is to find Christ in one another or some shit).

They stay for a couple of years and manage to drag in Arasha, who goes to the same school as them. She's not Christian and is just there because she was sick of inviting them to do shit on Saturday nights only for them to say no and also for the vibes and free food.

Amanda comes in a little later and is forced by her mom to actually join because she was frequently getting into trouble so she'd rather just know that her daughter is praising the lord (or whatever the fuck goes down in youth ministry) on Saturday nights instead of swimming in people's pools or some shit idk. Becomes besties with Chanse, Arasha, Angela.

Making this about Amangela bc I can't help the way I am: Angela welcoming Amanda to the ministry because it's her job as one of its leaders and Amanda is obsessed with her immediately. Probably constantly inviting her to sit right next to her for Sunday service, surreptitiously holding hands during the Lord's Prayer, going out for ice cream together once Amanda gets her driver's license. Something something horny something something repressed, they end up regularly making out (and more?) in Amanda's car without really talking about the implications but they know they feel SOMETHING. Lots of Catholic guilt - but not being able to stop because it feels nice, because it feels right.

And because I like angst - Something something tension because Amanda starts being deprogrammed from Church rhetoric at some point. She still sees Angela doing the thing to appease all the old church ladies and pastors who give her a sense of self because it's really all she knows and are willing to offer her a scholarship for college so there is Even More Pressure.

But Amanda sees all this and sees just how much she's hiding who she is, feeling like she can't really call her out on it because they are Not. Together. Amanda also sees how this is hurting Angela, but Angela is just so young and so confused and just wants to do right by her family, by God, etc... Amanda starts feeling pain and resentment about it.

In my mind, the older active church members think Angela and Chanse are gonna end up together, get married and all that shit. Chanse and Angela never saw each other that way.

Chanse quits out of nowhere and people speak of him like they're speaking the devil's name, basically erasing all history of his contributions (because he's gay.) Amanda soon quits after, and basically stops speaking to Angela. Amanda and Chanse run into each other months later, make comments about not seeing each other in church anymore, and then they reconnect and become besties.

Arasha doesn't quit, she just stops attending because she becomes busy with college. It's just not the same because Chanse and Amanda aren't there. She doesn't really have an obligation to do so, but she still keeps in touch with Angela.

Arasha and Angela become roommates in college. And because this is the first time Angela experiences independence, she goes on a SIN rampage - secular (lmao) theater, drinking, drugs, sex (lmao). All the things the church loves to police. And she has an identity crisis about it, crying to Arasha about it even.

Arasha, not knowing where the fuck all this Christian guilt is coming from calls Amanda and Chanse for backup and it's the first time they all see each other in a while. They all commiserate in the dorm room and bond and it's beautiful.

Angela wakes up. Amanda, Chanse and Arasha remind her that she's worthy of love no matter what. Once Angela finally internalizes that, she unpacks all the ways she hurt herself and how she's hurt others. Angela and Amanda finally talk about the shit that went down between them. They apologize for hurting each other, and decide to try again with a better understanding of themselves.

And they all live happily ever after. The end.

[francixoxoxo]

I bet Billy would sing in his local church choir and he’d be really good at it. Can you write something about it? Thanks

Oh my GOD YOURE SO RIGHT I HAVE TWO THOUGHTS

𝐁𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐫

Billy’s always had a voice of gold, you told him often. At first he was a bit shy of it. But you heard him singing once, when he thought nobody was around; he’d been tending to his horse, tying her to a post in front of your house so he could come inside to be with you. His voice was low yet powerful, the timbre deep in his chest as he sang, “Even though my eyes are hazy, n’ my thoughts might be narrow..” you’d leaned against the doorframe, staying silent. “Where y’been don’t bother me, or bring me down with—“

Billy’s baritone died in his throat as his blue eyes lifted to see you, watching him with a fond smile. He cleared his throat, a grin spreading across his cheeks. “Baby. Didn’t hear y’there.”

“You have a beautiful voice, Billy.” You shake your head, meeting him halfway as he walks up the steps to the porch. He presses a peck to your lips, shakes his head right back at you with drawn brows as he leans away. “Nah, you like it?” When you hum in agreement, his grin only grows. After that, you were constantly asking him to sing to you.

He’d sing to you in the kitchen, stealing you away from cleaning up after dinner to sway around with you. Billy’d sing to you as you laid under a tree, his fingers lazily carding through your hair. Sometimes, late in the night when you couldn’t sleep, you’d lay your head on his chest and feel the vibrations of his voice through your cheek, the low sound of his humming filling your ears.

His voice was so deeply resounding that you encouraged him to join the choir at church. He’d been saying he wanted to go to mass on Sundays again, so you felt it was perfect. At first Billy was hesitant, but oh, did he get into it.

The church was a bit surprised to find an outlaw in their midst, but the overall sentiment seemed to be that he was God’s child, too. So every Sunday, Billy wore an old robe along with other members of the choir, singing hymns deep from his chest. The words were familiar from his youth, the whole experience like brushing dust off an old book to find that he still remembered the print.

Not very many men sang in the choir. Billy, handsome, young and with a voice of a practical angel (your words, not his!) quickly became a large part of the church. When you and him went into town, a place far from Lincoln that you’d found peace in, people greeted him in the street. Recalled his name not from a wanted poster but from Sunday mass, complimenting his voice— people finally knew him for something good.

But it somehow always felt more special to sing in a soft, almost hushed voice for only your ears. Something tenderly intimate about the way your eyes would flutter shut as you were lulled by his low timbre.

OR OR OR

You’ve just moved to the town, and coming to church on Sundays with your parents, you cannot help but notice the handsome man in the choir. He stood out among the older, religious women and the younger children, one of the few choristers around your age. God, it wasn’t right how much you stared at him during the Sunday service. You focused more on his deep blue eyes, his stubble and his broad shoulders than the pastor’s preachings sometimes.

His voice was deep and baritone, yet dipped in smooth honey. You’d seen him around town now and then, but you were so terrified to speak to him. Your mother knew his, but you’d never actually met him himself. Hell, you didn’t even know his name.

Perhaps, though, after a late-night argument with your parents, you find refuge in the dark chapel. You push open the door, that familiar voice gracing your ears in a folk song you think you recognize before it falls silent. You find yourself looking into the church-choir-boy’s azure eyes, blown wide and buggy, as he sat in one of the back pews of the church. He doesn’t stand. “Hey.”

“Hi.” You manage, frozen in the doorway. You’re too focused on the dark muss of his hair on his forehead, the large slope of his nose, the subtle quirk of his lips as he scoots over in the pew. That shocks you into motion, you walk closer. “Why’re you..”

“Couldn’t sleep.” He admits, eyes following you as you daintily sit beside him. He stares for a few moments, and you put all your effort into staring at the stained glass window at the front of the chapel. The colored panes filter the moonlight into bright, beautiful colors onto the floor, and draping its dyed light over you and the boy from choir. You take a deep breath inward. “I know you.” Is all he says.

“I know you.” You murmur in reply, surprised at your own confidence. “You sing in the choir.” He nods, an amused look creeping across his face.

“I do.” He hums, leaning back in his seat. “You always sit in the third row.” You drew your brows, smiling a bit. Was he really paying that much attention? As if he understood your question before you could get it past your own lips, he gave you a charming, lopsided grin. “Y’tend t’notice when somebody’s starin’. M’ surprised you didn’t notice me.”

You just feel.. awestruck. You let a sweet smile curl your lips, and your eyes drift to the cross at the front of the church. It takes you a moment to remember that you hadn’t yet, but you finally murmur your name to him.

He practically beams at you, shifting in his seat and nodding a bit. For a moment you wonder that he might be just as happy to finally meet you as you were with him. In that low, deep baritone just as sweet as his singing voice, the ‘boy-from-the-choir’ becomes, “Billy.”

[enby-wrights]

(warning i do not understand how tumblr works i have been on here for like two months and gathered absolutely nothing so i apologize if i did something wrong with like tags and the like? also i think i kind of sound like a youth pastor towards the end of this but it’s okay i do what i want. anyways)

greetings marble hornets fanbase i just have some (long) thoughts to share on tim and alex :) i have some Mental Health Hot Takes that are not worded well because i wrote this at one in the morning but feel free to read anyways. also i know that the marble hornets mental illness allegory conversation has been done to death but please let me throw in my two cents i am just a little guy and i even said please

in all my six long years traversing the Deep Dark Depths of the marble hornets fanbase, i’ve never been all that interested in exploring any kind of close relationship between alex and tim within the story-- i think 2006 alex comes off as a bit desperate and overbearing, and i think that would have made 2006 tim a little too anxious to attempt to get close to him. it’s just interesting to think that they wouldn’t quite fit together at the only point in their lives where they would have had the chance.

their position in the overall story as narrative foils to one another, however........... now that’s a tasty character dynamic if i do say so myself :) although essentially all of season three revolves around the conflicts between people as they react to the mental illness metaphor operator in their own Fun And Unique ways, alex and tim are undoubtedly the poster children of this concept. both of them begin dealing with almost identical issues, and their reactions to these issues shape their individual narratives in completely opposite directions. i was thinking about it while listening to the podcast great, more tapes today (which if you haven’t listened to it i totally recommend it even though it has been dead for a year) and it’s kind of a really great allegory for the ways in which people’s reactions to experiences with mental illness can either make or break our recovery. as someone who has intentionally made my own recovery worse on multiple occasions out of general manic faux edginess, the parallels kind of hit me really hard

i’m gonna highlight the differences between alex and tim’s reactions to the mental illness metaphor operator using a bullet point list because i’m autistic and all of my thoughts occur in bullet point lists actually

during the filming of alex kralie’s marble hornets, as their symptoms are both beginning to set in, we see alex alone incredibly often. tim, on the other hand, is always seen surrounded by other people (this also comes down to the contexts in which they were filming but whatever it’s artistic framing or something idk)

tim seeks medical attention. duh. i think it’s probably pretty safe to assume that alex did not seek any sort of medical attention for his mental health issues leading up to all that murder, otherwise there maybe wouldn’t have been murder

aside from seeking medical help, we also see tim seeking help (or at least visibility) from his peers. entry #66 is just tim yelling at jay about how scared he is. and even if jay isn’t really much help, he can at least see where tim is coming from in the future and has the opportunity to act accordingly (he does not take this opportunity but hey at least it’s there. as alex’s condition worsens, all we see is him lying to his loved ones about what’s going on. which is bad.

alex constantly walks in anger and fear. tim doesn’t stifle his emotions (i.e. him beating the shit out of jay), but he also acts logically and doesn’t dwell on them for too long

by season three alex is just fucking living all alone in the woods (which if you didn’t know is the opposite of seeking help)!! not only is he running around in an echo chamber but he chose to bring a gun into the echo chamber with him which is a really great way to become more mentally ill. tim on the other hand has a job, and a life, and people in his life who at least care enough about him to call him and see if he’ll be at work on time. he keeps busy and he interacts with the world around him and even when he’s having to constantly check in with his doctor to make sure he stays okay he is out and about and being a person

and it’s a weird thing to think about because when i’m at my worst psychologically i tend to bring a (METAPHORICAL) gun into my own echo chamber and sulk around in there until i start to believe some pretty shitty things about the world around me

but on the few occasions where i do manage to reach for help and respect my feelings while still existing outside myself it’s a miraculous feeling. i get better. and then i get worse again, because mental illness is a bitch, but it gets easier and easier to reach out every time.

and i think that’s part of the reason why alex gets eaten up by the idea of the operator while tim doesn’t. tim has experience with getting help, and he’s clearly developed a skill for taking care of himself. he just got lucky that his first time dealing with a mental health crisis wasn’t as fucked up as alex’s.

anways tldr alex kralie is my new example for what not to do in my mental health recovery journey also he’s a bitch 

(ps i don’t understand how i got to the end of this rant without mentioning masky a single time but i promise he fits into the mental illness allegory somewhere probably maybe)

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

not including myself in this for obvious reasons ajdjdjakjfakfn. some more propaganda for everyone:

my brother consistently goes out after worship practice and buys donuts to share with the entire team.

his bestie the teenage sound guy has called my brother "the light of my life" and I think it was actually unironic

I forget how many kids she actually has bc they're almost never in one place but she is AMAZING. she always has a hug and kind words for anyone around and is an amazing worship leader

the keyboardist is also occasionally a sound tech if needed and ALSO ALSO is occasionally a drummer if needed. it's ridiculous how talented he is. he just. Does Stuff. and it works. I could never

my dad goofs around just as much as everyone (this team is a bit of a rodeo) but he's definitely a bit more chill. he makes dated mainstream music references and then groans LOUDLY AND DRAMATICALLY when the younger members of the team don't get it. there's also an abundance of weird niche bassist humor.

I love my sister in law SO much she's amazing. she's got terrible stage fright. and YET. she is also a total dweeb during rehearsals. I have never heard a human being make some of the noises that she makes just to be silly. singlehandedly convinced everyone in charge to put on a dedicated worship night later this summer after everyone else has been kicking the planning can down the road for months

we have three main backup singers and all of them need a biiiit more confidence but also. that's the age. they're all in youth group so that's good. get those kiddos into the Word!!!! their commentary on worship team goings on are hilarious though bc they're newer to it and often just a bit confused by the older/more experienced team members playfully ribbing each other about things

one time I couldn't figure out where the on button for my computer monitor was (usually turning on the computer itself turns it on) and he walked around the other side of the booth and pushed a button I hadn't noticed on the back of it and I was deeply embarrassed but he was super chill about it. also he's helping me fix our lighting setup which has not worked literally in the time either of us has been at this church.

please help this man he's so busy and so dorky and really, really loud all the time. you would assume he's constantly overcaffeinated yet he actually hates coffee and never drinks it. he actually makes faces when he sees other people (me) drinking coffee. attempted to use Tumblr once bc he heard me talking to my mom about it. doesn't even know how to use Tumblr. this man is so weird and yet tries to be Hip™ so much. at this point it's probably For The Bit

[meepmoopmaap]

I'm probably gonna sound like your youth pastor. bc I heard this from a youth pastor. but listen:

You will be affected by what you consume.

You watch heavily aggressive shows? You will act aggressive.

You watch porn nonstop? That will eventually weigh on your mind, porn addiction is real and even if it isn't an addiction porn can still affect you if not consumed responsibly.

Know your limits, take me for example:

I *love* analogue horror, love it to bits and then some. But I have to be careful with when and how I consume it, because I know how it will affect me. It'll leave me scared, paranoid, and having panic attacks almost every night.

And I have some pretty hardcore kinks, but after a while it started *Heavily* affecting me. It started fueling my intrusive thoughts and even making them worse.

This is not about purity or anything like that, this is simply about monitoring how what you take in makes you feel/at, and taking a step back when you notice negative patterns

[mostdontknowit]

Shock

When I was twenty years old (2013) I struggled with adulthood. I had recently came out and fled my parents place. This resulted me in couch hopping between a few people.

One of them, who's name is Jeff, let me stay with him. He also gave me $100 to help me. We didn't have proper wifi, we stole it from a bar net to us, essentially. I didn't know yet at the time I was going to struggle with finding a job. I couldn't go to school and I just flat out didn't know how to job search which killed my motivation.

Jeff and I had sex once but he explained he's mostly a-sexual. He wanted to keep things entirely platonic. I was fully on board as I was still kind of struggling with that kind of stuff. I felt extremely shameful whenever anything became slightly sexual.

Jeff told me he was embraced in Chinese culture and had lived there for a while. His facebook was in Chinese. He also apparently had like several college degree's. He was in the process of getting a degree in counseling.

What I remember about him saying of his family was that they were from California and agnostic. They were slightly homophobic and didn't understand why he dived into Christianity. That kind of stuff isn't too common. Though I guess you hear stories about people converting.

One thing that urked me about him was he analyzed everything I did. This is hard to deal with when living with someone. He was deeply critical of my first love, who broke my heart. But was an insanely great guy and I still hold him dearly. I thoughtJeff analyzed me so much because he was studying to be a counselor.

Someone (let's call him Mike) who he knew from California, moved to Portland. If I recall correctly Mike was a member of Jeff's youth group he was a youth pastor for. Or maybe it was like he was the son of one of Jeffs friends, I honestly don't remember the fine details. But I remember going out with Jeff and Mike a few times. From what I remember about Mike is that he was also borderline a-sexual. I think he was maybe closer to his mid-20s. He was essentially a-sexual but wanted to explore and thought he might be gay too. But it may have been repressed? I also remember him being a virgin which was a big topic for discussion. I didn't know him as well.

I was supposed to live with Jeff until I either found a job or until the new school year. But someone invited me to stay with them who lived in a better location, had full wifi and I got a long better with. After that I never heard from Jeff again and wanted to wait a while before I reached out again. A few years ago I tried reaching out to Jeff but got no response. I wanted to pay him back for giving me cash and letting me live with him when I was experiencing my own housing crisis. But I never got a response. I tried googling him a couple times and got his business information, but I thought that would be inappropriate for me to contact him that way.

Anyway the actual crazy part of this all is that I just found out Jeff was arrested for "multiple charges of oral copulation of a person under 16, sodomy of a person under 16, and forcible lewd act upon a child," that took place between 2006-2008. This was several years before I met him. I'm in quite a bit of shock about it. There's a lot of things that don't make sense but then a lot of things that do. Like maybe he was saying he was practically a-sexual as some weird cover up or to disguise his own insecurities? Was him analyzing everything I did some kind of sign of him having control issues? I always thought the whole thing about living around in China sounded suspicious and I especially thought him having several degree's sounded suspicious. I wonder if "Mike" was one of the Victims, I remember thinking Jeff seemed interested in Mike but I always dismissed it.

[automatismoateo]

Evangelism almost got me via /r/atheism

Evangelism almost got me I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. I recently moved to a new city where I don’t know anyone. I feel a bit lonely here, but I’m forcing myself to go out, walk in parks, go to the movies even if I’m alone. Anyway, yesterday, I was walking in a park and saw a group of young people playing music, playing soccer, dancing, etc. I thought they were just a group having a barbecue or something like that. I sat on a bench not too far from them, without getting too close, because the music was cool. One of the girls from the group eventually noticed me and came over. She explained that they were a youth group organizing small events around the city and that I was welcome to join if I wanted to meet new people. I told her I had things to do but thanked her for the invitation. She then mentioned they had another event planned for this Sunday, took my number, and left. I said I would go because it would be nice to meet people my age, but deep down, it was really because the girl was pretty, and I hoped to see her again at the event. I was excited and told my friends about it, but they said something seemed off and that it sounded like a religious thing. I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, later that evening, the girl texted me with the address, directions, and the time it starts. I googled the address and found out it was actually an evangelical church, and that the youth group I saw was part of it. I should mention that at no point did the girl tell me it was a religious thing; she said it was just a community event for young people. So, I messaged her back, explaining that I’m an atheist and that it makes me uncomfortable to go to a church. She replied that religion doesn’t matter and that it’s open to everyone, that it’s not a service or anything, and that she’d really like to see me there. I thought, “Okay, maybe it’s in a church, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to baptize me against my will or something.” So I agreed to go, keeping an open mind. The next day (which is today), I went to this so-called "event." To keep it short, it was clearly a moment to preach the word of Jesus. It turns out I wasn’t the only outsider invited to the church. They had invited as many people as possible with the aim of touching them with the word of Jesus to convert them. The pastor spent three hours saying stuff like that. At the end, he came up to me and said he could feel I was lost in life and asked if he could pray for me. I said, “Yeah, whatever.” I quickly talked to some of the guys there (regular church members), we got to know each other, had a pretty normal conversation, and they hope to see me again. I ran into that girl again, and she asked if I enjoyed it. I told her it wasn’t what I was promised, then I left. She hopes to see me next week, but I won’t be going back. I can’t believe I got dragged into that. I’m usually pretty cautious, but between feeling lonely lately and how inviting she was, I fell for it. PS: Looking back, there were so many red flags: in the park, everyone was dressed in white with the exact same outfit, the girl wanted to make sure I had given my real phone number and not a fake one, and she was unusually friendly with me (especially considering it’s often frowned upon to approach strangers like that), etc. Submitted August 18, 2024 at 01:33PM by roncristobenny (From Reddit https://ift.tt/cP3Ir7f)

[didasgomas]

Number your prayers

December 6th, 1981 - 5:47 a.m , Edenseye Church, main altar

HO - (Pastor) Hunter Owldust CS - (Priest) Caleb Stone

HO : You'll probably notice the people looking at you a bit weird, but I promise you they'll adapt eventually. It happened to me when I took the role too, so don't worry. It's just that, uh... Father Efrat was here for, like, since my parents were babies, you know?

CS : I understand. I can imagine such a change to be overwhelming.

HO : Yeah, but to be honest, Father Efrat was really needing that retirement...

CS : How old is he, if you don't mind me asking?

HO : Uh... he turned 98 this July. Yeah, I think if you hadn't offered to replace him, he would have chosen me *nervous laughter*

CS : Does the idea of becoming the next Father upset you?

HO : Not really, don't get me wrong. I like to work for the Church, but as just the Pastor I get to spend much more time outside rather than inside, if you get me.

CS : Of course

HO : Now that I remember, you're much older than me, right?

CS : Indeed. I am perhaps what you youth call "old man"

HO : Ah no, goodness! I promise you, no one is going to call you that!

CS : I'm just playing around, don't worry

HO : I mean, you're old enough to be my dad, cause I'm only 46, but no one is going to be disrespectful towards you

CS : I know

HO : Ah, I just remembered something! Come with me!

December 6th, 1981 - 5:52 a.m , Edenseye Church, basement HO : You seeing this thing? Looks like just a very used candle holder on the wall, right? But if you do this...

*sounds of a mechanism activating and a door unlocking*

HO : Boom, you open a secret hidden door

CS : Fascinating...

HO : I know, right? Apparently it was some kind of dungeon when this church was some other building, that's why there's so many cells or whatever they're called

CS : Including the handcuffs?

HO : Yeah, I think

CS : And what about this?

HO : "This" what?

CS : Why is there a recently made steel door in the middle of a decaying old dungeon?

HO : Ah, that. Well, I'm not fully sure, but I think it arrived here from after Saint Mathilde's uh...

CS : Was destroyed?

HO : Yeah... It's a bit of a... "taboo" to talk about it here and the other villages. It was almost as important of a city as the county capital, you know?

CS : Yes, I know

HO : I think it was with the police before. Like, the local prison, you know? That's why there's a little door there on the bottom, it was where they passed the food to the other side. I think.

CS : And why was it just, left on the floor like this?

HO : Honestly, I think Father Efrat was just like "yeah, just leave it there, it's not like anyone knows about the secret entrance anyway" or something along those lines

CS : You're not taking this one bit seriously, are you?

HO : Not really

December 17th, 1981 - 3:30 p.m , Edenseye

HO - (Pastor) Hunter Owldust DI - (Villager) Drew Inshaw

HO : So, you want my help with finding your daughter? DI : Yes, my eldest, Sarah. Please, we need to find her- HO : Okay, okay, calm down, Mr. Inshaw. Can you tell me what happened? DI : It was five days ago. She sometimes runs away to visit her mother in Evermoor, so me and my wife are used to her not being home for two or three days. But she didn't show up back home yesterday at all. My and my wife spent the entire afternoon searching all around the village, but no one had seen her. HO : Not even in Olivecloud? DI : No, not even there. HO : Did you at least talk to her mother? DI : Yes! I went to talk to her face to face this morning, but she told me Sarah had left the day before yesterday! HO : Alright, and what did you do afterwards? DI : I went to the Father just a couple hours ago, I wanted to ask if there was a possibility to start a search for her, but... HO : ...But? DI : But he didn't even know who she was! HO : Well, I think that's normal, he's still meeting everyone and getting used to our village DI : I- I guess. But he did let us look around for her for just a while, and she wasn't in the church. HO : So you want me to help with the search instead? DI : Please Pastor, she's still only a teenager! If she's gone somewhere else outside of here, she could get herself in danger! HO : *sigh* How about this: I'll look around a bit myself, and if I don't find any clues, I'll talk to Father Caleb about opening the search. Does it sound enough? DI : Yes! Oh thank you so much, Hunter! HO : It's my duty to help, isn't it?

December 18th, 1981 - 23:29 p.m , Edenseye Church

HO - (Pastor) Hunter Owldust

HO : (whispering to self) I don't really expect to find anything there, but...

*sounds of stairs creaking*

HO : ... Hair? Why was she down here? *sounds of footsteps* *sounds of a mechanism activating and a door unlocking*

HO : (whispering) Blood...

*sounds of footsteps*

*low growling similar to that of a wild wolf*

HO : OH MY LORD! OH GOD!

*growling gets louder* *sounds of something hitting metal bars*

HO : Can- Can you still hear me?! Who did this to you?!

*sounds of a mechanism activating and a door locking*

HO : Who- Who's there?!

*creaking noise similar to floorboards*

*loud screams before something heavy falls to the ground*

December 19th, 1981 - 9:20 a.m , Olivecloud market square

RM - (Villager) Rita Malyn TQ - (Villager) Theresa Quartermaine

[passing conversation]

TQ : Any news on the Inshaw girl from Edenseye? RM : I heard her father is going to give up searching for her TQ : Because the Pastor is gone now too? RM : Yes. He thinks that she was able to convince the Pastor to let her run away, and that he had his own motives for leaving TQ : Maybe it has to do with his sister RM : Maybe. It's been years since they last saw each other. But why he didn't warn anyone is still so confusing TQ : Maybe he thought everyone would be fine since they have a new Priest RM : Perhaps. But do you think he's ever going to return? TQ : I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe not

Short-story for my "In Mortality" au of @missr3n3 's cdta story because my creative ass can't keep focused on just one thing at a time

I chose the title because it sounds spooky but also because the first mention of Caleb (the biblical spy) is in Numbers 13

[knightley--phillip]

The Curious Case of Madellaine || closed

in which Edelgard Knightley calls Phillip up on Feb. 15 in confusion ...

cw: discussions of infidelity, references to typical order bs, references to phil being a thot in regency au

Phillip’s first thought upon waking up in the morning of February 15th was that he was never ever ever having sex again.

That thought went away very quickly, and was replaced with thank god for modern contraceptives. 

And then, unfortunately, that thought went away immediately, because his phone started buzzing.

He ignored it for a moment, trying to eek out another couple minutes of sleep, but it continued to vibrate, even after the call ended, which meant that the person on the other line had immediately dialed back, and there was only one person who would ever do that —

Phillip groaned, blinking at the 11 missed calls from his mother and answering the 12th.

“Hello?”

“Phillip?! I had the most ridiculous dream. But then I heard that everyone had the same dream?” 

It had just occurred to him that his mother was in town for the week, and had been staying at the Tipton. Which meant that she had experienced her first ever Swynlake Collective Dream. Christ — he needed more coffee before he could explain to his mother what was going on.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes, as his mother rambled about how she’d gone downstairs for breakfast and heard people talking about their time as Regency socialites, then started brewing coffee right around when she started scolding him for sleeping around with “all those women.” (Phillip didn’t want to correct her and point out that there had also been men; that seemed like the sort of conversation to have at a separate time). 

“And then — there was that girl. The one who was in our house. Do you know her?”

“Madellaine?” Phillip recalled. “Not at all. Never met her. Probably some poor girl caught up in this.”

“I think she was your father’s daughter.”

“I thought she was our cousin,” said Phillip, taking a sip of his coffee. "Except our uncle was John’s dad for some reason.”

“No, no. That’s what she told you, but I knew. The former Duke was actually her father. Oh my goodness Phillip … you don’t think…” His mother sounded on the verge of tears. “You don’t think your father actually had a child —”

“What? God — Mum, please I just woke up.” Phillip did not want to think about his dad having sex with another woman. “Besides, the town just does this. I mean, Tom and John aren’t actually your sons, right?” 

“Yes, but I know them. Why on earth would this girl be with us like this?!”

“Mum, don’t worry about it. Swynlake is weird like this.” 

Phillip normally wouldn’t think much of this random Madellaine girl appearing as his maybe-illegitimate sister, since Swynlake had certainly done weirder. There’d been that time he’d been killed by a giant boulder, for instance, or that time they were all cats. Once he’d been a youth pastor married to Aquata Triton, and there was another time Rose had been his actual sister. 

But his mum really sounded worried. Maybe there was some distant possibility that his dad had slept around enough to father some bastard child. Phillip wouldn’t put it beneath the scumbag. But he didn’t want his mother to get all worked up about that pathetic excuse for a man, so he tried to calm her down.

“Besides why do you care if Dad fathered a —”

“Don’t!” she nearly screamed. “I do not want to talk about it.”

“You brought it up!”

“And now I do not want to think about it! Do not bring this up to me. Unless you meet this Madellaine girl, she seems very sweet.”

“Right, right. Don’t you have a spa appointment in a bit?”

“Yes, so stop taking up my time!”

Phillip laughed.

“Love you, too, Mum.” 

[fictionadventurer]

If I were to write a Serious Literary Novel about the State of Modern Society, I'd probably call it something like The Hollow World. Because lately every time I see lifestyle articles about how to find satisfaction in life, it all seems so hollow.

And I think it comes down to how people approach suffering. So much of lifestyle and mental health advice comes down to how one deals with suffering, and a secular perspective can do little more than tell you to ignore it. Find a hobby that takes your mind off of suffering. Buy something that distracts you from suffering. Enjoy life despite suffering. Avoid suffering at all costs. Ignore suffering and focus on the happy things in life. But that doesn't change the fact that there is suffering--and from a purely secular perspective, it's pointless. So ultimately, life is pointless, because the only thing you're doing with it is using one half of life to try to drown out the other half. Your world is hollow because you've scraped away the unpleasant reality underneath, leaving only a pretty, but empty shell.

Christianity doesn't do that. Christianity tells us to live with suffering. There is a point to it. There is a grander plan that we can't see. Suffering is heroic and can lead to heroic acts. Even failure can be meaningful. We don't need to ignore the suffering--we can embrace it as a reality of life. Sure, we struggle with it. We mourn it. We'd rather not deal with it. But we don't wash it away with platitudes and distractions. We are allowed to have a whole world--pleasant and unpleasant--because we know that even suffering has a purpose.

[deskofninak]

Three is the Magic Number, Pt. 1 // TASM!Peter Parker x GN!Reader

[Spoilers for No Way Home]

Masterlist // Series Master Post

Summary: When Doctor Strange accidentally opens the multiverse while trying to help Peter Parker, reader gets swept up into the mess. A magic user training at the Sanctum Sanctorum with secrets of their own, they attempt to navigate a universe where multiversal beings are spilling in and causing trouble, all while struggling with their own magic. And then a certain version of Peter Parker catches their eye.

Part 2 | Part 3 | Epilogue

Notes: Gender Neutral!Reader, reader is a magic user and an avenger, death, talking about grief, use of ‘Y/N’.

Word Count: 1725 | 4 sections

1.

You were sitting on the roof of a dinner, the rain pouring down around you as you struggled to come to terms with the events of that day. You’d been able to conjure up enough magic to slowly heal your bleeding ear enough that the ringing had stopped. However, sound was still a little muffled on the right side. Your hands were clenched into fists as if you could drag the vestiges of the passing day and make it undo everything it had wrought.

“Peter? May? Oh my God, May.” Aunt May was on the ground at Peter’s feet. She was bleeding and it did not look good.

“I’m so sorry, May,” you whispered. 

Aunt May put up her hand to your cheek. “It’s okay. I just need to catch my breath for a moment.”

“You’ll be okay,” said Peter. “You’ll be okay.” He looked at you desperately, wordlessly asking you to use your magic.

“I can try,” you whispered.

Peter nodded.

You put your hands over May’s wounds. “Shh, it’s okay, May. You’re going to be just okay.” The tears were flowing down your cheeks now, lower lip trembling as you struggled to call your power. In through the nose, out through the mouth. There was a faint blue glow. You focused on steadying it and then making it grow.

Peter was bent over May, forehead to forehead. “You’re okay, May. It’s just you and me.”

Suddenly, the blue light vanished like a bulb blowing out. You fell backward and stared in horror at May’s dull eyes. Peter’s face crumpled and he uttered a trail of desperate no’s but to no avail.

May was gone.

Your phone beeped in your pocket, pulling you out of your reverie. It was MJ. She’d texted the address where Peter was, along with Ned and herself. You stepped off the ledge, landing on your feet. This had been part of your training with Nat after the Blip, before you had lost all hope of ever getting your friends back and deciding to move away.

The address was close by so you’d be able to walk there without needing to take a cab you couldn’t pay for. It took you half an hour with your minor injuries but you finally made it. You saw through the glass window in the corridor that it was a lab with Peter and two other guys at the worktables, and Ned and MJ standing worriedly to the side. 

You pushed open the door. At the sound of its squeak, every single pair of eyes in the room snapped in your direction. Peter stepped forward and immediately pulled you into a hug. “I’m so sorry,” he said. 

You wrapped your arms around him and felt your own tears rising up too. “It’s okay.” You gave him a squeeze like you used to when you were kids and he squeezed back. The second he pulled away, Ned and MJ pulled you into another hug.

Someone cleared their throat and the four of you looked toward the other two people in the room. One was older than Peter and your friends, skinny with shining, dark eyes and a soft smile. The other was even older and dressed sort of like a youth pastor. Both greeted you in unison. “Hi, Y/N.”

You turned with furrowed brows to Peter, then looked back at the two men. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

2.

It had been a long ten minutes as Peter, with frequent interjections from Ned and MJ, explained to you what had transpired over the course of that very long day. Your expression had grown more bewildered as the seconds ticked by, and by the end of it, you looked a bit like you might throw up.

“One more time, you’re all Peter?” Peter nodded. “And you’re all Spider-man?” Nod again. “Huh. And where is Strange?”

Peter shot you a look that distinctly said ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. 

“And Ned can do magic now too?” More nods. “Okay. And the plan is?” 

Peter went over the plan one more time.

3.

“Do I have something on my face?” you asked. The two other Peters were talking and they kept looking over at you. At your question, they shook their heads and went back to work. 

You leaned over to Ned. “What’s that about?”

“Think about it, three Peters across three universes. They have more or less the same friends that our Peter does. That guy,” Ned pointed to the older of the two, “is married to his version of MJ.”

You looked from the older guy to your MJ and back again. “Huh.”

“So,” Ned continued to whisper, “they probably have a version of you in their universes too. Judging by their whispering and staring and the fact that they know your name, you’re probably pretty important. Lucky. They don’t seem to know me.” He seemed a little bummed about that last thing.

“Oh. Okay.”

Roughly 55 seconds later, the whispering and staring got to be too much. You marched on up to the two other-Peters. “Anything you boys want to tell me?” You had on your intimidating-questioning face. At least, that’s what Ned called it. MJ always seemed to think it made your eyebrows look funny.

The older guy stepped forward, holding out his hand. “Peter.”

“Y/N,” you said, shaking it. 

He pointed at the other guy. “Also Peter.”

You pointed at yourself. “Still Y/N.” There was a pause and you got a strong suspicion the two weren’t about to say anything any time soon. Narrowing your eyes at them, you said, “Ned says there’s a version of me in both of your universes. Is that true?”

“Yeah,” said the older guy again. “You’re one of my best friends.”

“Cool. What about you?” you said to the other guy.

He shot you a pained smile. You realised that the shine you’d seen in his dark eyes were actually tears.

Sensing that you two would probably want to talk, the older guy suddenly realised he had some non-specific vague “thing” to do and vanished.

You bit down on your annoyance. It had been a year since the Blip had been reversed. Both Peter and May had been gone, but not you. You’d spent five years believing that you’d lost them forever. Five years of burying yourself in college work, of not using your magic, wanting to forget that it had failed you when you needed it most, to forget that you ever even had it. And now, in the past year, no matter how hard you tried, you could only use bits of it. And now May was dead, taken from you again. The void in your stomach had been steadily growing since and the only thing stopping you from falling in was to focus on the plan.

But no part of that situation was the fault of the sweet, teary-eyed multiverse version of your Peter.

Taking in a deep breath, you stepped up to the worktable, right across from him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” The word was a soft exhalation.

You hopped on your feet a little. “Do you want me to leave? Am I making you uncomfortable?”

His head shot up quickly. “No.”

“Okay.” You pulled up a stool and sat down.

His voice was so soft when he began to speak, you almost didn’t realise he’d said something. “They died.”

The words shot through you like a bolt. They died. Aunt May. “What?”

“My Y/N.” 

You felt your heart skip a beat. You leaned forward a little in what you hoped was a reassuring posture. “Your version of me died?”

The slightest of nods. 

“Tell me about them?”

He smiled a little, his voice steadying the more he spoke. “We had been best friends since we were kids. They looked so much like you - the same way of speaking, the same mannerisms. The same laugh, the same twinkle in their eye, the same dressing style. They made me feel like the centre of the universe. They were the first person I told I was Spider-man. They were there to patch up my wounds after a bad day and help me keep up with my homework. They were my everything. And then … I couldn’t save them.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And now here you are, older. They would’ve looked exactly like you now if they’d gotten to grow up. It’s my fault they never did.” He wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. “Sorry. I need to get back to this.”

“Right.” You cleared your throat. “I’ll leave you to it.”

4.

Seeing you again felt like being sucker-punched in the face, Peter thought. He was in a strange universe with two other versions of him here, one older, one younger. And then there was you. As if he hadn’t spent the past few years missing you terribly, now he had to find out that you would have grown into a wonderful person who could wield magic if he had been able to save you.

But while it hurt to see the life you could have had, at the same time it eased something in him. To know that there was another universe where he couldn’t mess up, where you got to grow up and be happy.

It physically hurt to hold himself back around you. To not throw an arm over your shoulder and pass whispered jokes. To pretend that you were a stranger. They are a stranger, he reminded himself. Maybe not to him, but he was a stranger to you. And the kind of bond that he’d shared with his version of you was the product of years of friendship. It couldn’t possibly be forged in a matter of minutes. And so strangers you would remain. 

He knew what was coming ahead. Another fight he couldn’t walk away from. It was scary that there were people who might get hurt, but it also felt nice to have people he could depend upon. 

You looked up toward him as if you could sense he’d been thinking of you (and not so discreetly looking at you). You shot him a small smile and for a moment, he felt a little less alone.

Yes, he knew what was coming ahead. And you would not get hurt this time. 

xxx

Hope you enjoyed this! Comments and reblogs are much appreciated. :) - Nina

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

The Sommelier (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 2

Since the police department let the youth pastor get away, the FBI has to step in. Will suspects something is off, but nobody listens. @deadman-inc-bikeshop this one’s for you, comrade 

Trigger warnings: discussion of substance abuse, drug use, blood, graphic descriptions of violence, Christianity 

Will had become somewhat of an expert at tuning out background noise. The shuttering of camera lenses, the blasting of sirens and of course all the talking. The dissemination of information between parties; some relevant, and some just noise. 

Another inept local police department let a killer get away. That put the onus on the FBI to clean up the mess. With a restaurant full of witnesses, Will doubted his usefulness to this particular investigation. Surely, they could get a more thorough description of the killer from eyewitness testimony. He thought maybe Crawford was getting too comfortable with his secret weapon. 

But Crawford wouldn’t have let Will get involved if he had any doubts that this one would kill again. And he was determined to throw every weapon in his arsenal at this case before it happened. The blood wasn’t even dry yet. This was as much of a head start as they could hope for. 

So, whether he felt it necessary or not, Will Graham sat at the corner booth, stone still, while the investigation progressed around him. 

He put the scene in backwards motion. No police, no media, not a drop of blood in sight. 

This is the day the lord has made. Rejoice, rejoice, hallelujah.

The restaurant was packed from corner to corner with bodies and sin. People, sinners, who didn’t deserve to have Christ’s name on their lips, let alone blood on their hands. Sinners who wore cross necklaces, but couldn’t carry a cross. 

Today I will save lives. This is God's design.

The waitress approached. Asked for a drink order.

My grip on reality is still firm enough to initiate worldly conversation, so long as it is in the pursuit of rescuing souls.

She was visibly uncomfortable. Not willing to engage in conversation.

My patience is dwindling. I must heighten my senses.

He placed a bit of cocaine under his nose. The clarity hit him all at once with a glance at the specials menu.

It's a sign. The lamb of god must be avenged.

He gave the waitress one last chance. If she had repented right then and there, perhaps those people would still be alive today.

With that small display of empathy, Will was ripped from his trance and brought back to reality. He took off his glasses and pressed his fingers to his forehead.

"Welcome back." Jack greeted, dryly.

Will stood up. "I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school."

"Well, how about you tell me what you can." Jack answered. "See if I can fill in the blanks."

"Okay, first of all," Will sighed, trying to collect his thoughts. "This man is deeply deluded."

"Forensics already found trace amounts of cocaine on the table." Jack agreed with a nod.

"No, see-" Will stopped him. "This is a deep-rooted, purposeful delusion. The drugs feed the delusion, not the other way around."

"And what is this delusion?"

Will took a deep breath in. "This guy believes he's some kind of divinely-ordained morality police. And the waitress was the catalyst for this spree killing."

"So, what did she do that was so egregious?" Jack folded his arms. "Have a small tattoo? Wear her apron too tight?"

"She was working on the Sabbath." Will said.

“So he’s a literalist.” Jack inferred. “Realism and practicality be damned. Hard drugs will do that to you.” 

Will was starting to grow annoyed. “Pretend for a minute that he wasn’t high.” 

“That’s a pretty tall order.” Beverly interrupted from across the room. “Turns out his coke was as pure as it gets outside of the rainforests of Colombia. Might as well have snorted a leaf right from the tree.” 

Jack turned to face Beverly, who was scraping under the fingernails of a body. “Sounds expensive.”  

“Well, that eliminates one suspect.” Will commented under his breath. “The FBI only deals the cheap stuff.” 

Jack’s face hardened. “Something to add, Will?” 

“Yes, actually.” Will tilted his head. “Are we here for the murder, or the drugs?"

"What does it matter?"

That was most assuredly not an answer.

"Do we want this guy in prison?" Will adjusted his oversized coat. "Or are we going to grant him impunity for telling us where he got this particular brand of powdered sugar?” 

Jack heaved a frustrated sigh. "We're not in any position to refuse information about a potential drug trafficking ring. If that means amnesty--"

"So if this is a drug bust, why do you need me?" Will cut in. 

"Where is this coming from?" Jack protested. “If you have a problem with this investigation, you’re free to leave.”

If that was a bluff, Will called it. He walked out. Jack clearly wouldn't listen to him, so he was off to the person he knew would.

He almost regretted that decision when the esteemed Dr. Lecter took it as an opportunity to dissect him. Any chance Hannibal got to put him under a microscope, he took. A part of him knew that and another, subtler part liked it.

"Federal intelligence agencies and cocaine have a complicated history." Hannibal said as simply as if he were describing a married couple. "It's not something I would imagine Crawford likes to bring up."

"And now he's trying to absolve himself." Will leaned forward in his chair and rested his arms on his knees. "Trying to put the FBI back on the right side of history."

"So why did you walk out?" Hannibal raised an eyebrow.

"I'm a profiler, not a drug-sniffing bloodhound." Will shot up from his seat. "I made my analysis and he dismissed it out of hand."

"So this is a matter of pride." Hannibal concluded.

"You could say that." Will mumbled. "Some would call it self-respect."

"You are not one to talk about self-respect." Hannibal smirked. "Especially not with a jacket covered in dog hair."

“What if there was a way to turn this investigation around?" Will offered, electing to ignore the snide commentary.  

“You’d have to find some way to prove that he would have struck with or without the cocaine.” Hannibal tented his hands in his lap. “Re-center his motivation.”

“His motivation was justice,” Will said. “Or at least some perverted, fundamentalist Christian notion of justice.” 

Hannibal gazed admiringly at Will, as if watching the gears turn in his head. “You and I know this, but how do we go about proving it?” 

Will dropped his shoulders. “We’d have to find the man first.” 

Hannibal glanced down at his phone and punched an address into the search engine. He made a small, but noticeable gesture that caught Will’s attention. 

“I hardly ever see you use that thing.” Will chuckled. “What’s got you so interested?” 

Hannibal placed his phone face-down on the side table. “One of my favorite wine bars is re-opening soon.” 

[collecting-stories]

Birthday - c. 13 - Georgia

Summary: Just a whole lot of feelings.

A/N: Sorry I didn’t post when I said I was going to, thank you guys for your patience though! Also, if you haven’t seen it, there’s a link on my page to help raise money for a friend of mine to get bottom surgery, if you wouldn’t mind taking a look and considering donating or reblogging to get out the word. 

Georgia Masterlist | The Walking Dead Masterlist

☼ ☼ ☼ ☼

“Not who I expected to see waiting outside the pharmacy for me but, I’ll take it.” Tara called out as she walked across the small parking lot to her car. Parked right next to her four-door was Daryl’s truck and he was standing there waiting, leaning against the tailgate.  

“I haven’t heard from her in a couple days, just wanted to be sure she’s alright.” Daryl replied.  

“You mean after you told her you didn’t want to date her?” Tara asked, crossing her arms over her chest.  

“Ain’t that simple.”  

Tara groaned, already exhausted with both of you. “It is that simple, she really likes you and come on, I know you like her. You fucking stopped at the drug store to talk to me because you’re concerned about her. That’s pretty solid proof that you like her too.”  

Daryl looked away, scuffing his foot on the ground and taking his pack of cigarettes out to smoke, he needed something distract himself.  

“Can I have one?” Tara asked, already holding out her hand for one of his cigarettes. Her sister would probably kill her if she knew but Tara smoked occasionally, more recreational than anything else. “She’s staying at my house in Woodbury. Her dad’s supposed to be home soon, think she’s just waiting it out away from her mom.”  

“He any better?” Daryl asked lighting his and then holding the lighter for her cigarette. You’d be bitching about the smell no doubt, or pretending it didn’t bother you.  

“Not really,” Tara shrugged, “he doesn’t hit her or anything but he’s pretty dependent on her mom. I mean, the guy’s been in and out of rehab for years now, he can barely hold a steady job. Last time he was in the hospital he was on suicide watch cause he’s so miserable. Why are you asking me all this anyway? Why not ask Maggie?”

“Some friends ya don’t tell everything to.” He replied. “Ya let me know how she’s doing?”  

“Go to the diner and make up and see her yourself.”

“I already told her, she’s got enough shit going on, don’t need me adding to it.” Daryl replied.  

“Before you go,” Tara stopped him as he started to walk around to the driver’s side of the truck. “Just tell me, do you like her? Would you date her?”

He nodded, slowly. Not like he was unsure, just like he was trying to censor his answer. He settled on “yeah” because anything else would have been too much to tell kid. He would date you, hell, he was pretty sure that he would marry you if he was given the chance. He’d never thought much about liking anyone before. Daryl had seen Merle with different women his whole life but he’d never really bothered appreciating any of his own. People just came and went and he figured that was exactly how life would always be. And now there was you and he wouldn’t mind setting up a future, he’d already laid one out in his head. A nice one, like all the upstanding people in King County, the ones who whispered about him, had. There’d be a house, or a farm like Hershel’s, and kids if you wanted them though he’d never thought of himself as needing to bring any children into the world. It’d be nice though and you’d both be happy.  

“Don’t tell her I stopped by?” Daryl asked.  

“I won’t.” Tara replied, “think about it though? Cause she was happy with you and she was standing up for herself and she never used to. I don’t want her to lose that.”  

Daryl shut the door on the truck and Tara backed away as he started the engine, reversing and then peeling out of the parking lot. She took another drag of the cigarette and dropped it on the ground, smashing it into the white line with her shoe.  

You were working at the diner that afternoon and when you saw Daryl’s truck pull into Dale’s Autobody across the street you considered taking a ten minute break just to go talk to him. If you could figure out what was going on between the two of you, or even just apologize for what you said in the grocery store. You would’ve killed for a time machine that night, imagining the possibility of rewinding yourself back to the moment before you told him, of being able to pretend you didn’t feel the way you were feeling.  

If you could’ve done it over again you wouldn’t have said anything. Kept quiet until, and you hoped there was a possibility, he liked you so much that he couldn’t possibly reject you. And yet, you knew it was pointless to think that way. Standing in the parking lot with him, you had known that the only thing you wanted in that moment was him.  

-

Maggie sat on the top rung of the wooden fence with you, lanterns set out to illuminate the make shift camp site that she and Tara had put together for your birthday.  Glenn had come once it was dark enough that no one from the house would realize that he was there. You were usually wired, especially considering the amount of alcohol that Glenn and Tara had both brought with them. You had half a bottle of wine left, holding the nose in your hand as you sat there with Maggie, silently staring ahead to the porch light that looked more like a lightening bug at this distance.

“Glenn’s been talking about college,” Maggie finally said. Tara and Glenn had both punched out early but you and Maggie couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Or maybe she was just sitting up with you to be nice. “It’ll be nice to get away from all this. Have you talked about it with your parents?”

“My mom says the college fund is,” you sliced your hand across the air, “gone. Guess it’s waiting tables for me.”

“Woodbury has a college, maybe you could go there?”

“It’s not Emory...” you replied. “I don’t know any more honestly. I just wanted to go to college cause I wanted to get out of here. Guess I still do.”  

You had thousands of dreams of college as a kid. Getting out of King County and never coming back. You could be one of those kids who moves to the city without leaving a forwarding address, who disappears from the average existence of small-town life. Breaking whatever mold, you had been born into. It always seemed like it would be you, Maggie had the farm and she complained about the church but you knew she loved it. But now she was talking about life outside of King County and it seemed insane to you that you would be the only one contemplating all the things in your life that you thought about changing. Maybe some of them could stay the same.  

“I told Daryl I liked him.” You said, “told him I was gonna be 18, we could date.”

“What’d he say?” Maggie asked, reaching for the wine bottle to take a sip.

“Same thing he’s been saying, that I shouldn’t ‘get dragged into his life’.”  

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.” Maggie sounded too hopeful for her own good. And why shouldn’t she? Even if she thought about leaving King County everything about her screamed small town. The high school sweetheart, the southern twang, the pastor’s daughter dichotomy. She hit all the marks.  

“Means he doesn’t want to.” You replied, taking the wine back.

“Well take it however you want but, maybe it’s a sign? You been getting too close to something dangerous. I love you and you know that but you were spending all your time with him, not going to church, not doing stuff with me or Glenn or going to youth group. Maybe it’s a good wake up call. Your mama wouldn’t want you tossing it all away for a boy. Especially not Daryl.” Maggie stated.  

You knew somewhere along the way you had given up trying to keep up appearances. You weren’t the sweet kid who had sat all through Thanksgiving and then snuck out at the end, something had changed and you had stopped caring if people knew who you were hanging out with. Deanna had only seen you because you’d gotten too reckless.  

“Guess so.” You said, hopping down off the fence. You had never told Maggie about your mom and you certainly couldn’t now. You weren’t even sure that she would believe you.  

“What?”  

“What?” You asked, eyes meeting hers in the dark.  

“You got that look, like you did before you dragged me to Dale’s.” Maggie said, watching the slow smile on your face as you bit your lip.  

“Just thinking.”

She was right though, and you knew it. Even as you climbed into the tent you were sharing with Tara, laying on your back as if you could see the stars through the vinyl, your head was swirling with any sort of idea you could grasp at. Maggie could say whatever about you and what you cared about but at the end of it you knew what you wanted. Her pep talk wasn’t going to deter you.  

-

In the morning you stopped at Dale’s, church bells ringing as you got out of your jeep. You were supposed to be meeting your mom for service but you had pit stopped here. Axel was out front working on a car and he waved when he saw you. Daryl wasn’t overly forthcoming with information about his life so it didn’t surprise you that he would’ve neglected to tell anyone about the night at the grocery store.  

He was in the back, maybe just finished with something cause he was wiping his hands on a rag from the back pocket of his coveralls and you weren’t quite ready for the ache in your chest at the sight of him. Your heals on the concrete weren’t quiet and Daryl looked over when he heard them, jaw tensing.  

“What’re ya doing here?” He asked.  

“I thought about what you said.” You replied, a little less confident than you had felt when you stepped out of your car. “And I’ve come to a decision.”

“Am I supposed ta ask what that is?”  

“Yes.” You moved closer, he wasn’t running but he looked a little reminiscent of a caged animal.

“I got work.”  

“Wait, just hear me out,” you begged. He started to say something, no doubt telling you to leave, but you stopped him, forging ahead. “I know I told you that I liked you when we were at the grocery store but it’s more than that. I love you. And I think you love me too. I’ve been thinking about leaving King County and getting away from my mom for a long time and lately I been thinking I don’t care. There’s still some things I want, ya know, but I can get ‘em right here and mostly, I just want to spend time with you.”

There was a lot Daryl wanted to tell you, that you were right. He did love you. “Ya don’t know what yer saying.”

“I do.”

“No,” Daryl snapped. “Ya don’t! There ain’t a future here for ya. Yer wasting yer time and one day, you’ll wake up and yer gonna realize that’s all ya been doing, wasting time, and yer gonna want out. Save yerself the trouble and just go.”  

“I’m not wasting my time.” You insisted.  

“I got work.”  

“No, Daryl,” you grabbed his arm, stopping him from turning and leaving.  

“I told ya before, I’ll say it again, there ain’t nothing here for ya.” He replied, pulling away from you.  

“Fine then tell me I’m wrong.” You said, “tell me you don’t love me and I’ve just been imagining it.”

“I got work.” He repeated, brushing passed you.  

You knew what you should’ve been feeling. Depressed, angry, absolutely gutted. All of those fit the bill but you couldn’t make yourself feel any of those. As you climbed back in your jeep, pulling out of the parking lot, all you could feel was the smallest, fleeting, sense of hope. He hadn’t said that he didn’t love you. Nothing he said suggested that he didn’t feel the same way. You’d been thinking that he just didn’t like you back but it wasn’t that at all. He was just afraid.  

You knew how you felt. And now, you knew how he felt too.  

-

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[sjw-publishings]

A Shift In Attractions

Jace was crushed, after asking his asian friend for a date. Only to be told a lengthy description on why he should change his ways and set himself straight, before leaving off to some random asian chick who he never recalled seeing him with.

Though then again, the asian man was just a crush right? Crushes get crushed he supposed. Though he thought they had something, unlike those one night stands in private...

Maybe if they had bonded more in class than just mere classmates, he could have stood a chance...?

“No no...”

Shaking his head, he doubted it, the guy seemed completely dedicated to his girlfriend. He always recalled him proclaiming ‘Praise the lord to our relationship’ as he kissed his girl. No wonder he accentuated on the word ‘Straight’.

He never felt more insulted. Tugging his dress shirt, the tall lean college senior scoffed. Yes he was a valedictorian, and he stood out, but that did not give the right for this christian hottie to just diss him off like that.

He was being polite and civil too. All he wanted was to graduate with honours and have a lovely boyfriend.

He wished that he could have fallen for someone else...a shift in attractions-

“Hey man! Would you like to join us for prayer time?”

A tanned asian man in a checkered shirt and khakis interrupted his train of thought...and boy, was he cute. Down to the mannerisms and attitude...darn, he reminded quite a bit of his crush.

Without speaking, the tanned man grabbed hold and brought him down the alley way, where soft tunes filled in the atmosphere, as a group of men were seated in the middle.

“Welcome brother, I’m Paul Heng. So glad of you to join us.”

Ushering him down next to the man, he blushed wildly as he could. If anything, he literally drooled at those thick biceps and pecs straining against that marine tank of his. Not to mention the cute innocence that he displayed beneath those messy bangs of his, despite the asian probably being around the same age of him.

“Would you like to share with us what seems to be the matter?” Paul Heng spoke.

He looked around, more than half of the men were asian, and his gaydar definitely sensed the rest are gay, coincidentally enough. Not as to say the asians are not gay...but this group in particular...

Whatever, maybe they are allies at the very least.

“Oh...There was this guy...and..”

“Say no more.”

Paul placed his palm over on his back, still retaining his smile as he closed his eyes, head down as he prayed.

“Father God, please work about a shift in attractions within this man.”

The music was cranked up louder, still peaceful but yet...a little too calming? Coupled by the warmness emitting from the asian’s palm...it just made him, want to tell everything...

Eyelids heavy, Jace watched as the others mirrored him and Paul. Each of them grinning as their eyelids closed shut.

“Tell us...what you desire.”

Paul spoke, as his palm radiated heat within his back. Soothing those tired knots, loosening them, giving vigour that he never had. Igniting new desires within him.

“I want...to be young and fresh.”

Those words escaped out of his mouth instantly, like a inner desire coming forth. Young and fresh? Didn’t he want to graduate from school? As a senior? But as the warm, radiating heat seared his skin...almost like a warm tan, it definitely showed otherwise.

Sophomore, yeah he did do sort of well in school...but that was not what he really wanted. Crushing on his role model who was older definitely did not do him any favours either...

Freshman...yes, that was exactly what he wanted, where he is. Completely new to everything, a blank slate, letting the warmth guide him in the...overly calming music being played in the background. Regressing to a man who just turned legal 18 a couple of months ago, of course.

This was the freshman’s orientation, he and the other newbies were assigned to be in this group. Sure it was odd why they were in a batch with more than half being Christian and asian, but who was he to judge?

He was young, and fresh.

“Indeed, and someone as young as yourself, is bound to have so much energy.”

Senior Paul’s palm radiated heat once again. Jam grinned wildly, as his back wanted to just carry tons of stuff cause of his energy. Legs unable to sit still as they shifted back and forth within the meditation position he was in.

“And with that energy, belongs to brothers who are athletic.”

Energy, athletics. It made sense didn’t it? His back, while much younger, gained a sizeable definition as they broadened with the heat. Embracing the care, and concern from his brotherly figure, as the tanning trailed forward with the suggestion.

His chest toughened, definitely not as crazy big like his seniors, but he did work out quite a bit! A Light trace of abdominals Pressing against his dress shirt, his pectorals inflating to a sizeable degree, with those ‘Tiny udders’ begging to be milked.

But wait, didn’t he had done ‘It’ before? But that did not make sense to the college freshman. He just turned legal months ago! No way was he into that kind of life.

Besides, it feels unethical to think of such thoughts with Christians. Pretty sure they rubbed off him...despite being...

“Amen brother?”

“Oofmm...”

Paul gave a gentle rub against his back, as he let out a soft, satisfied response like the other freshmen. He just...knew this freshman orientation helped them, eyes still remaining shut as it was still prayer time.

“Amen...”

He spoke calmly, though there were hints of joviality within them. Grinning, his vocal chords still shifting due to puberty, he sounded so cute, so young. But damn these clothes are so uncomfortable.

He was never the smartest guy in his class, or even mid way. Which was supposedly odd considering he was half asian. Preferring softer, younger clothes that are more trendy or just stuff that gave his muscles a little more breathing room.

Wincing, he felt his legs strain against his Dress pants, being too tight for the male altogether and just a chore. Why did he pick such nerdy subjects? Those stuff are for brainiacs and the gays!

Wait did he just say that? He was gay...though that insult felt appropriate to him. Like how gay it was for him to wear briefs and shoes two sizes bigger than he was. Did he let his mother dress him or something?

Man...he hoped that his youth leader would call him out on-

“With such a youthful appearance, one ought to dress like one.”

Thank Lord! Someone gets him. Grinning wildly, Paul’s warm synchronising with his own, as the tight fabric softened. Sleeves rolling up to just below his shoulders, clinging firmly on his back as buttons and the collar disappeared into the wind.

Colour darkening in cotton, as printed logos plastered itself on his brand new Youth Trends shirt he got with an iconic ‘ORH’. Giving his body the much needed breather room it so desired.

Why would he wear a dress shirt? Only DORKS wear those....and his pastors and sometimes his youth leader as well...BUT NOT HIM. He definitely pulled pranks, but not stuff like that!

Sides, if there was a prank, he would be doing the more hands on kind of approach. What was he? An academic nerd? Haha ok lol boomer. He launches erasers, paint balloons and all those kinds of stuff towards the nerds.

Serves them right for calling em’ gay!

His tanned asian arms flexed in response, as his expensive watch became cheaper with rubber straps. It was time for attention! And being young, he wanted all if it!

So much, that Paul had to always bring them down before they interrupted the prayer session. He was so cool, his big bro Paul Heng, allowing him to just be, HIM.

Dress pants shrunk upwards, concentrating with mesh fabric as they became grey sports shorts. The kind of stuff he always wore while on the field kicking balls, soccer balls DUH. What you think, huh?

Tightening below in two areas, shoes shrinking to a size 8, metallic indents growing at the bottom and a signature styled itself on both ends of the cleats. Whose signature, one of the pro asian athletes of course. Which one? HAHA, Why you want to know? Gay?

Gay? POKE! Thrusting forward, by only a small bit. His hard-on actually shrunk back a couple of centimetres, like his brain-LOL WHO YOU CALLIN’ DUMB, FAGGOT?

Ruder and ruder, thrusting as he so desperately wanted action, never experiencing it. Buttocks hardening but shrinking in size as well, compacting to the new Jockstrap with his 6 inch wiener, only when its-

“Any Hard thoughts? Benjam....”

Paul spoke, his hand still on his back. Yeah he was hard, though it would be pretty gay if he said he got hard cause of the prayer. Yeah he was a new christian, but still...

“Yeah man...I wanna...”

The Chinese Asian’s pubescent voice spoke out...to be honest, he was not sure what he wanted. He liked being a young jock, but the more he tried to think of...some random older asian, it felt really really off.

What was he? GAY? I mean he had...some gay thoughts, but what was he thought when he was a Christian for years? Be fruitful and multiply...and man, did that phrase cause his smaller crotch to just wanna skyrocket through late puberty already.

“A hot babe?”

“Oh yes! Yes!”

“Hot babes for us men!”

“Preach it pastor!”

A hot babe? Yes! Yes! That was what he wanted, what his group wanted. Total jocks abstaining since forever, but now that they are legal, man did he just want to get married already and let loose, fulfil the calling on his life.

“Oh man I wish...I wish..”

Benjam squeezed his thighs as tight as he could. Rubbing against his smaller member as every brush only excited him further. The prayer session was simply too much for him to handle on his own. He had to say it, he had to-

“Brothers, You know what to do to seal the deal. Lead the way, Brother Shang.”

Paul got up from his place, but the warmth never left Benjam Shang’s side, his big brother figure trusted him in doing this, in spite of his young and fresh attitude which just pissed some of the older folks.

Its time for the younger generation to play a part in THIS-

“WE ARE CHRISTIANS!”

He yelled, in his youthful splendour. Pumping his fist in the hair, eyes still closed.

“WE ARE CHRISTIANS!”

The rest of his soccer group followed in suit, he knew that cause of their fellowship together of course.

They had stuck together since young in church, a close group which stuck like brothers through thick and thin. Through church camps, hang outs, and even the boring examinations he could not care less about.

As for as he was concerned, he had spiritual wisdom. Better than those overly intelligent NERDS!

“WE ARE HOT!”

“WE ARE HOT!”

He proclaimed, of course they were. They were the most popular group throughout high school. All the ladies wanted a piece of them, and all the GAYS were jealous.

Provoked to jealousy. Smirking to himself, cheekbones rising and rosy. He was always such a prankster, just light hearted stuff, nothing too GAY of course.

Though he doubted it was anything too far like some other of the ‘HetTubers’ did. Hair follicles brushing to the side, hair bangs over his brow as a raven feathery guy next door kind of look stuck on him, short hair of course-he was into sports and chicks said he looked cute with this style.

He was a Christian after all. Jaw rounding out while sharpening at the edges, with lips beaming into a smile, flashing bright pearly whites. He still represented God and even though he was mean sometimes with his ‘zoomer speech’, as the pastors would describe it, but hey-he was young and fresh!

“AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE WIVES!”

“AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE WIVES!”

The men inhaled deeply, nostrils wrinkling. Man it reeked of testosterone...They loved each other like brothers, but jocks needed their cheerleaders, husbands needed their wives. Not the smell of sports cologne.

They wanted to finish quick. At the final phase, light eyebrows furrowing, anticipating the climax with an-

“AMEN!”

“AMEN!”

“AMEN BROTHER!”

The new Benjamin Shang proudly proclaimed the chant, like the rest of the men. Boisterous Voices blending in harmoniously as a choir. Claps from the seniors applauded from the background, Paul was definitely pleased with him.

Letting loose their vocal chords like they just ‘came’ to be, of course nothing came out from below. Those were reserved specially for their wives, which they knew will be coming soon.

Beady eyes opening simultaneously staring around innocently as a college freshman, fresh and ready to chase-

CLICK

CLICK

Tail.

Almost instantaneously, his eyes were directed away from the group of men he was at. The rest of brothers followed as well, upon hearing the sound of high heels growing nearer. Laser focused on the single asian lady by the corridor.

“Look at her...she’s so pretty...”

[tophersong]

I find it harder and harder to motivate myself to write down what’s been happening in my life and the thoughts in my head down on tumblr. 

I am reminded of how much things can change in such little time. 

It is now September 7th 2021. 

Since my last couple of posts, a lot has happened. A lot of things in different areas of my life. 

My first batch of students graduated from middle school. Those students were so precious to me and I wouldn’t have taken any other class of students to be my first. They really taught me how to persevere, how much there is to a student, and so many other odd things. They showed me that I should always believe in them, even when they might not be the best at math, they all have something to offer to a lesson.

It might sound strange, but the students who didn’t pass the year and went to summer school have a more special place in my heart. They might not have tried much during the year but they sure did put in the effort during the summer. It hasn’t been an easy year for anybody and I could clearly see it in those students. But still, they persevered and all are now graduated.

Since then, I have been offered a full time position as an 8th grade math teacher at the same school. I knew it would happen but there was still such a great relief when I received that first email. My life has been on all sorts of weird tracks ever since I graduated college .... 6 years ago but I finally feel some sort of stability. I never realized how much I wanted stability. My housing situation never really felt safe since I was in middle school and I guess that feeling seeped into my every day life. But now I have it for the most part. I might still be terribly in debt but I have a stable income, summer vacations, and a peace I didn’t know I was looking for.

But apart from that, things at church don’t feel too stable. We no longer have a youth pastor for the senior high students. While our last pastor trained the staff to be pretty self-sufficient, it still feels a bit unnerving to be able to lead these kids for so long without the staff getting proper guidance. We had a lot of fun over the summer with the students because that’s what we know how to do but as the school year starts, I do wish our students had something more stable that they could lean on. 

And the final update I would say is that I’m feeling more open when it comes to looking for ... a future spouse?  I’ve always tried to close myself off but I guess I’m more open to t he thoughts of dating now. It feels weird after having been single for so long. I think what really started off these thoughts of mine was a certain spotify playlist that I created recently.

I labeled the playlist, songs that make me believe love exists. I don’t know what prompted me to create the playlist but I realized eventually that I could only add 3 songs to it. I tried so hard to see if I could find any other songs that would help me believe that love exists but no song seemed to fit. I then realized that the only reason that I couldn’t find any more songs is because the songs that I had were all songs that made me think of the last girl that I liked. It felt like such a special type of crush because I haven’t felt that way for any other girl before. I’m usually very calculative when it comes to who I like. I have to like them for a specific reason. But this girl, there was just this moment when I felt that I had to be with her. The wording might not sound right, but she just felt so pretty to me at that moment.

Granted, things didn’t work out with her and I thought that I was over her but turns out that I wasn’t. The playlist reminded me of that. I think that once I was able to identify that feeling, it helped me begin the process of moving on. 

I’m honestly so excited and nervous for this upcoming year. I know that it will be a hard year. There seems to already be everything against me. First full year teacher with students who haven’t been in the school since March 2020, leading a whole bunch of high schoolers without a proper pastor, looking for my first relationship pretty much ever. Honestly. it sounds like a lot on paper but I don’t feel worried.

I think one lesson that seems to keep repeating in my life is that things will always turn out ok, which reminds me of the bible verse God works for the good of all those who love Him. I don’t know how things will be, the future is always unsure, but I know things will always work out. 

Here’s to the next academic year. 

Next update, end of 2021?