#i know this is an orange movie because there is a heatwave i know and i know saw 2004 is the blue one but i like to just make spiral blue

[spiralmode]

i just think this scene is so good with a hard cut right there

[24-guy]

Share any spiral symbolism you like?

FUCKONG COLOR THEORY.

I'm. Like.

I mean this with every little bit of my wee ribcage.

Analysing symbolism of colors - and specifically the impact of yellow - is what got me into analysis in the first place.

Spiral uses yellow and orange really really interestingly. Because the entire movie is bathed in this orange. It's warm and it's sticky and it's done that way intentionally. There is a heatwave going on and it's gross. It's grossness in a way Saw hadn't used before; all of the movies being set, presumably, around October time (I'm not a Saw connoisseur - just a spiral one, if this is wrong please correct me). Whereas Spiral is set during a heatwave so we can assume it's at least summer time.

And this is important when talking about color because the movie is orange but all of the traps are overwhelmingly blue. They're all blue. And this holds extreme significance because you know, it's the ACAB movie. It's the one where only cops die. It's fitting that cops die in blue lighting.

This is true for every trap except one, from my memory.

The glass trap. Which is all yellow. And this is because it's a trap that centers less around Pete and more about Zeke.

The trap is yellow because it's not killing cops. It's a test of how well Zeke will be as a partner in future tests.

As we see, he fails the test, yet he lives. The trap is rigged for Zeke to win.

No matter what, unless Zeke is a total dumbass, he is living through that glass trap.

Right so for this next part I need to share with you some symbolism for the color yellow. Because this is the color that, as said before, is filling the reveal scene.

Yellow symbolises, besides friendship, "optimism, joy, enlightenment, but also for duplicity, cowardice, betrayal." (Link)

This is exactly what the reveal scene is from both perspectives.

From Zeke's point of view, the reveal is a complete betrayal of trust from someone who he thought was his only friend left. It's duplicity (meaning deceitfulness (I had to look it up)) due to that betrayal. All of the lying and hiding and secret keeping.

But from William's, it's hope. It's the optimism that maybe they can be partners. That joy when Zeke agrees to it. It's the "enlightenment" that jigsaw parades around when people became his apprentices and joined his cause.

Yellow colors this scene because this scene is yellow.

That was long. I'm sorry.

I have been thinking about this for far too long.

[marvelous-writer]

i’ll chase away your nightmares and keep you safe

Summary:

Tony looks at him with a worried frown as he hands him a plate with a sandwich and a side of chips. He reaches a hand up and brushes a few stray curls off of Peter’s aching forehead. “You don’t look too good, Pete,” he says.

“I don’t feel that great,” Peter admits, not having the energy to pretend that he is.

“How’s your head feeling?”

“Hurts,” Peter mumbles miserably.

“Hmm,” Tony hums, as he braces his hand against Peter’s forehead.

Peter lets his eyes slip shut as he leans into his cool hand, bringing only a small amount of relief to his pounding head. He almost wants to cry when Tony takes his hand away.

“You do feel a little warm. I wouldn’t have had you slaving away out there in the sun if I’d known you didn’t feel good, Pete.”

“It wasn’t this bad earlier. I think I’m just tired or my brain is fried,”

OR

Peter experiences a bad migraine while he’s staying up at the cabin and Tony helps him through it.

Word count: 3,159

Genre: whump, angst, hurt/comfort

Link to read on Ao3:

A/N: Part 3 of @webpril

Peter squints against the harsh sunlight as he wipes sweat off his forehead, trying to ignore the pain pounding away in his head. 

“Hand me that wrench, will you?” Tony asks from his position kneeling on the grass in front of the pressure washer that had broken down as they started to power wash the house.

Peter nods as he reaches into the red toolbox and grabs said wrench and hands it to Tony. “What do you think? Is it going to make it?” He asks with a hint of sarcasm. 

“Well,” Tony says with a grunt as he tightens a bolt on the machine. “I think she has a few more good years left in her.” He says, shooting a smile over his shoulder at Peter. 

Peter smiles in return, trying not to wince when his head lets off a particularly sharp throb. He’s had this killer headache since he woke up this morning but it hasn’t been this bad until now. Sitting out here in the middle of a heatwave in the sun probably isn’t a wise decision on his part. He’d rather be inside where the cool AC is, sprawled out on his bed in the dark, sleeping this off. But he’d never say no to spending time with Tony, even if it involves a mundane task of fixing a pressure washer. 

“So… I was thinking—” Tony says as he hands Peter the wrench back when he’s done using it. 

“That can be dangerous,” Peter says. 

Tony huffs out a laugh as he shoots a grin over his shoulder at Peter. “Like son like father, I guess.” He says. 

A warm and fuzzy feeling bubbles up in Peter’s chest at his words as he smiles, ducking his head down as he puts the wrench back in the toolbox. “What were you thinking?”  

“I was thinking… what if I made some fettuccine Alfredo for dinner tonight, get some ice cream at your favorite place down the street, and we can have a nice, relaxing family movie night?” Tony asks as he wipes his oily hands on a hand towel, standing up from the ground with a small grunt when his knees click in protest. 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Peter says with a smile as he pushes himself up from the ground, only to pause when his head gives off a particularly sharp throb from the new position. He reaches up and rubs at his forehead, hissing slightly though gritted teeth. 

This always happens when he tries to work through the pain of a headache, which hopefully isn’t upgrading to a migraine but with Peter’s luck, it probably is. 

And of course, Tony’s dad senses tingle. 

“You okay?” Tony asks, looking at Peter with his brows pulled together in concern. 

“Yeah… just a headache.”

Tony’s still frowning as he looks down at his watch to check the time. “It’s a little after noontime, so how about we head on inside and I’ll whip you up a sandwich for lunch.” 

“Sure.” Peter agrees easily, letting Tony guide him inside the blissfully cool house and out of the intense sun and heat. 

They find Morgan sitting on the couch in front of the tv watching one of her cartoons, one that Peter doesn’t know because it came out sometime in those five years during the Blip. 

“How about you sit with Morgan while I get lunch started?” Tony suggests. 

“Okay,” 

Peter slips his shoes off at the front door before he walks over to the couch, wincing at the sunlight pouring in from the windows, mixed with the obnoxiously bright colors from the cartoon on the tv. He plops down on the chaise section of the couch next to Morgan and throws a pillow over his face to shield himself from the light. 

“Are you okay, Petey?” Morgan questions. 

“Yup…” Peter mumbles beneath the pillows. “M’ all good, Morgs.” 

“Why are you hiding?”

“M’ not hiding. Just trying to sleep and the light’s bothering my eyes.” He tells her. 

“Does your head hurt like Daddy’s does sometimes?” She asks. 

“A little.” 

“Oh! I’m sorry.” Morgan whispers.

“S’okay.” Peter mumbles. 

 It takes only a few minutes before Peter feels himself drifting off to the soft murmurs coming from the tv, but he can’t quite fall asleep with his head pounding away. It almost makes him want to cry at the unfairness of it all—why his brain just won’t shut off and let him fall into a pit of painless nothingness.

He’s taken out of his almost-asleep state by a hand gently shaking his shoulder. “Pete, you awake? Lunch is all ready.” Tony says in a soft voice. 

“Mhmm…” Peter hums as he slowly sits up, letting the pillows fall away from his face, finding the room’s curtains to be drawn with the tv off, settling the space in a soothing semi-darkness. 

Tony looks at him with a worried frown as he hands him a plate with a sandwich and a side of chips. He reaches a hand up and brushes a few stray curls off of Peter’s aching forehead. “You don’t look too good, Pete,” he says. 

“I don’t feel that great,” Peter admits, not having the energy to pretend that he is. 

“How’s your head feeling?” 

“Hurts,” Peter mumbles miserably.  

“Hmm,” Tony hums, as he braces his hand against Peter’s forehead. 

Peter lets his eyes slip shut as he leans into his cool hand, bringing only a small amount of relief to his pounding head. He almost wants to cry when Tony takes his hand away. 

“You do feel a little warm. I wouldn’t have had you slaving away out there in the sun if I’d known you didn’t feel good, Pete.”

“It wasn’t this bad earlier. I think I’m just tired or my brain is fried,” 

Tony huffs out a small laugh. “Your brain isn’t fried, Pete. You’re just tired and you’ve been overworking yourself lately. How about you eat what you can and you can nap until dinner?” 

Sleep. That sounds pretty nice right about now. 

“Okay.” Peter agrees easily. 

…

After lunch, Tony helps Peter upstairs to his bedroom and draws the black-out curtains, engulfing the room into darkness, much to Peter’s relief. 

Peter is about to lie down but Tony stops him by handing him one of his pain meds. 

“But they make me feel weird and loopy,” Peter argues weakly. 

“I know you don’t like taking them, but it’ll help with the pain,” Tony says. 

Peter sighs but takes the pill anyways just to please him, swallowing it down with a few sips of water from the cup Tony gives him. 

When Peter is lying down on his side with his eyes closed, he hears Tony walk out of the room and down the hallway to the bathroom before the sink turns on, until footsteps approach his room. 

Peter breathes out a relieved sigh when he feels a cool, wet washcloth being placed over his eyes and forehead. 

“Better?” Tony asks as Peter feels the bed dip down next to his hip. 

“Mhmm…” Peter hums, feeling the coolness take the edge off his headache so it no longer feels like his head is at risk of exploding from the pressure. “You gonna stay?” He asks hopefully. 

“Sure thing, kiddo,” Tony says, hearing him get up again before the bed dips down beside him until he feels the man’s hand card through his curls. 

The feeling soothes Peter as he breathes out another sigh of relief as he allows himself to relax, feeling the tension leave his body. 

It only takes a few moments before Peter finds himself drifting off to sleep, feeling the pain grows duller as his consciousness fades away. 

…

Peter can’t breathe as dust begins to fill his lungs. 

He looks up with wide, tear-filled eyes at Tony, who’s standing several feet away from him, looking equally as scared as Peter.

“I don’t wanna go,” he pleads, voice wobbling as he takes a few stumbling steps towards him. “P-Please—P-Please, I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go.” 

Tony opens his arms as Peter falls forward, but instead of falling into Tony’s arms, he falls right through him as Tony suddenly crumbles to nothing but a pile of ashes. 

“N-No!” Peter screams as catches himself on his shaking arms, saving himself from face-planting on the orange, dirt-covered ground… which is now covered in Tony’s ashes. “N-No…. p-please,” Peter sobs as he carefully picks up a handful of it, only to break out into a harsh cough that has him doubled over, finding that he’s coughing up dust. 

Ashes. 

That’s all he sees. 

Ashes. 

Peter blinks away the tears in his eyes as he looks around himself, seeing figures of ashes floating in the air where the Guardians and Dr. Strange once stood. 

He’s all alone. 

Peter takes in a shuddering breath as he looks back down at himself, only to see that his hands are now disappearing, dust falling from his fingertips, joining Tony’s on the ground. It quickly travels up his hands, then his forearms, climbing up his entire body. 

Peter sucks in a gasp, feeling like his insides are now full with his own ashes, suffocating him. 

He’s dying. 

He’s all alone. 

Ashes. 

Ashes. 

They all fall down. 

Ashes. 

Ashes. 

Ashes. 

They all… fall… down. 

Peter’s eyes snap open, only to be met with a horrible, pulsating pain radiating through his skull, feeling like it’s about to explode as something hot shoots up his throat. 

Peter shoots up into a sitting position as he gags, only for more waves of sharp pain to stab at his head as he tries to get up. But the moment that he manages to swing his legs over the bed, he gags again and hot, liquidy vomit spews out of his mouth, landing all over his lap and the floor. 

But the only thing he can see is ashes. 

Peter gasps in the middle of a gag, only to break out into a harsh round of coughing but it only brings back the memory of him coughing up dust in his nightmare… or was it real? Is he already dead and this is a dream? Or his worst nightmare that he’ll have to live again and again in a constant, torturous loop?

His head and ears are pounding too much, Peter doesn’t hear the pair of footsteps running up the stairs towards his bedroom. 

Peter slams his eyes shut as he coughs up more bile—more ashes. 

His ashes. 

It’s happening again. 

Thanos snapped.

Half the universe is gone. 

Thanos won and they lost. 

“Peter! Peter—look at me, kid!” A voice filters its way through the sheer panic racing through him, mixing with all the pain. “Pete—open your eyes for me!” 

Peter snaps his eyes open, only to find Tony’s worried face in front of him—but it’s just like before, except Tony turned to ashes right in front of him. 

“T-Tony p-please,” Peter hoarsely says, feeling something cold slide down his cheeks. “P-Please—I-I don’t wanna go. P-Please,” he begs as he slams his eyes shut, unable to get the image of Tony crumbling to nothing in front of him. 

His breathing comes in quick gasps now, and it feels like his insides are filling up again—oh God. It’s happening again. He’s going to die and there isn’t anything or anyone that can stop it. Thanos won again—he’s always going to win. He’s never going to stop coming. 

Peter’s dying all over again. 

“Pete—you’re okay. Peter! You’re not dying—kiddo, please listen to me!” 

He’s going to die. 

Ashes. 

Ashes. 

Peter lets out a choked sob, only to throw up more bile. “I-I can’t-” he sucks in a sharp, choked breath. “Can’t breathe-”

Black dots dance around in his vision as he opens his eyes, finding a blurry figure in front of him, feeling cold hands on his face. 

“Pete you’ve gotta listen to me, bud. You have to breathe.” 

“I c-can’t,” Peter chokes out around a sob, squeezing his eyes shut again. “I-I can’t—I c-can’t!” 

“Yes, you can. You can breathe. You’re not going anywhere. I promise you, Pete. Please. Come back to me. Try to take in a deep breath, okay? Think you can do that for me, kiddo?” 

Peter sucks in a gasping breath, feeling horribly lightheaded now, but he tries. 

“That’s it, Pete. That’s it, kiddo. In and out.” Tony soothes. 

It feels like forever until Peter’s lungs give in, letting air in and allowing him to breathe. He sucks in a shaky breath that triggers a harsh round of coughing, before he opens his eyes and blinks a few times to clear his blurry vision. 

“T-Tony?” Peter asks, seeing the man kneeling in front of him with a worried expression on his face. 

“I’m right here, Pete,” Tony tells him in a soft voice. “You back with me?” 

Peter blinks, his brows pulling together as he shakily nods. He closes his eyes against the pounding behind them, mixed with horrible nausea churning away in his stomach. “I don’t feel good,” he mumbles. 

“I know you don’t kiddo. I’m so sorry,” Tony says, feeling a hand brush away a strand of damp curls that are stuck to his sweaty forehead. “How about you take a minute to catch your breath and we’ll get you all cleaned up and back into bed, okay?”

Peter blinks hard as he looks down at his lap again, but closes his eyes at the disgusting state of his lap. He opens them back up again and looks at Tony, brows pulled together. “I-Is this… is this real?” He asks. 

Tony’s face falls as he reaches up and gently wipes a trail of tears from Peter’s cheeks with a calloused thumb. “Of course it is, bud,” he softly says. “This is real, I’m real and you’re at the cabin with me, Pepper and Morgan.” 

Peter sniffs wetly. “B-But… it just felt s-so real.” He whispers. 

Tony nods as he runs a hand through Peter’s hair. “I know, Pete but I promise you it wasn’t. It was just a nightmare.” He says in a soft voice as he places the back of his hand on Peter’s forehead, frowning. “You’re burning up, kiddo. It looks like this is more than just a migraine.” 

Peter breathes out a sigh at that. “‘Course it’s not.” He mumbles miserably. Good ol’ Parker Luck. 

“How about we get you cleaned up, hmm?” 

Peter wordlessly nods as Tony helps him stand up, grabbing him a change of clothes from the dresser before slowly leading him out of his room and down the hallway to the bathroom. Tony is practically carrying him with how wobbly his legs are, but they manage to make it to the bathroom and Tony helps him sit on the closed toilet seat. 

Peter closes his eyes against the painful throbbing going on behind them, letting himself slowly slump against the wall next to him. He’s barely aware of Tony wiping his face with a warm washcloth until he’s gently shaken. 

“Pete, you gotta open your eyes for me, bud,” Tony says softly. 

Peter lets out a low, hoarse groan as he blinks open his eyes, squinting against the LED lighting in the bathroom. 

“Arms up,” Tony instructs as he helps him out of his ruined t-shirt and into a clean one. “Think you can stand up on your own so you can change your pants?” 

Peter binks slowly. “M’ kinda dizzy,” he admits.

Tony frowns at that as he goes back to the task at hand and helps Peter slide his ruined pajama pants off, grateful to have a pair of boxers on to save him any further embarrassment. Tony helps him stand up on shaky legs to pull on the clean pair of sweatpants he grabbed, helping Peter pull them up to his waist.

“I think you’re good to go, bud,” Tony says, offering him a small smile.

Peter tries to smile but he thinks it comes out more of a grimace. Tony wraps an arm around his waist and helps him out of the bathroom and back down the hall towards his room at a slow pace. When they walk back into the room, Pepper is throwing a white duvet over his bed and she looks up at them, offering Peter a warm, sympathetic smile.

“How are you feeling, honey?” She asks.

Peter makes a weak sound at the back of his throat as he blinks sluggishly, too tired to form words anymore.

“He’s feeling pretty crappy,” Tony answers for him as he guides him over to the bed and helps him lie down on the clean sheets, which Peter suspects Pepper changed while they were gone.

Despite how out of it he is, Peter feels guilty that she cleaned up after him.

“M’ sorry,” Peter mumbles as he blinks open his eyes as Tony pulls the covers up to his chin. “M’ such a problem.”

Tony frowns as he exchanges a look Peter doesn’t catch with Pepper before he looks back down at him as he sits on the edge of the bed. “No, you’re not,”

Peter shakes his head, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. “I am,” He argues weakly. “Y-You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“Peter,” Pepper says as she sits down on the edge of the bed on the other side. “You’re not a problem, honey. You’re sick and you’re tired. We want to help you, okay?”

“Yeah,” Tony agrees. “Besides, it’s part of the job description.” He says with a small smile.

Peter honestly doesn’t know what he’s done in life to deserve such an amazing and caring family.

“Why don’t you try to get some more sleep?” Tony says as he fixes the blanket around Peter and tucks him in.

“Okay,” Peter mumbles as he blinks up at him with half-lidded eyes.

“Feel better, honey,” Pepper says softly as she smoothes a hand over his hair before she stands up and walks out into the hallway.

A spark of fear shoots through Peter as Tony stands up and he thinks he’s about to leave too. “Can you stay?” Peter slurs tiredly.

“Of course I can,” Tony says, the corners of his lips turning up in a small smile as he walks to the other side of the bed and settles against the headrest.

Peter slowly rolls on his side so he’s facing him and wiggles himself up so his head is resting against Tony’s chest, earning a chuckle from him in response.

“Feeling a little cuddly are we?”

“Mhmm…” Peter hums as he closes his eyes, feeling Tony’s hand settle in his hair, hearing the faint, comforting thumping of Tony’s heart against his ear. “T’hnks for taking care of me,” he mumbles sleepily.

“That’s what I’m here for, Pete,” Tony tells him, warmness in his voice as he cards his fingers through Peter’s curls.

[anonymous0writer]

how you get the girl | wonderland s.s

author: @anonymous0writer

wc: 1946

warnings: none!

a/n: i literally wrote this right after the first because i love this so much

summary: as the heat rises, so does the curious tension between a certain green-eyed beauty and a handsome dark-haired boy. the impending end of their idyllic last summer looms, prompting stiles to admit a long-held secret.

The pale, smooth skyline of azure and the sprinkle of voluminous clouds lay over the horizon, the air thick with early summer humidity, the only relief a tepid breeze that snaked through the trees and appeared in short bursts like a shy child. Summer had grabbed Beacon Hills in a sudden burst of a heatwave and refused to let go; residents of the town taking to smaller clothes and long hauls to the beach for a break of the unbearable heat. Windows were down in cars, letting the speed of the car create the racing breeze that offered peace and houses had their AC’s turned up, people huddling in rooms to keep the heat at bay.

In the particular case of Lydia Martin and her friends, refuge was found in the small, prettily decorated guest house positioned off the clear blue watered pool of the Martin residence. The teens were slumped along the edge of the pool, legs dipped into the cool water in an attempt to cool themselves down.

Scott McCall sat at the pool’s edge, his mop of dark hair stuck to his forehead in sweaty clumps, the boy mumbling a soft curse before he tore off his thin shirt and leaned forward, dropping into the gleaming, turquoise pool with a loud, attention grabbing splash. His friends, a collection of girls and a boy best friend added to their tight circle of companions rose their brows and looked on in mild amusement. Scott’s dark head popped up from under the water, his lips breaking into a goofy, lopsided grin.

“It’s so nice.” He entices, grin still slanting across his face.

Delaney, her tall figure hunched and her long legs plunged into the refreshing, cerulean water, returned Scott’s infectious grin. In a hurried movement, she scrambled to her feet, her dark hair tied closely to the nape of her neck and her patterned, red swimsuit hugging her generous curves. Stiles covertly watches his friend with amber eyes, the memory of her lips crushed softly against his and her candied taste rushing over him a sudden waterfall. The dark-haired boy is pulled out of his reverie by the flying droplets of chilly water produced by Delaney’s cannonball into the wide pool. Stiles shakes off the memory with a comb through his thick, unruly umber colored hair, telling himself the tall beauty was drunk and didn’t appear to have any recollection of the delicately passionate moment. Some minuscule part of the boy wished that his feelings for Delaney were somehow reciprocated, but the sharp tang of alcohol on her lips crushed any foolishly childlike hope. Despite accidentally overhearing the news of Delaney and Brett’s inevitable breakup, Stiles saw how much his friend liked the broad shouldered lacrosse player. He was a fool for ever thinking anything different.

“Stiles!” The shriek of laughter snaps Stiles out of his daze again, Lydia’s mouth forming his name again as she beckons him to join the rest of their friends. Stiles studies the idyllic scene of his friends in a sentimental attempt to burn the memory in his mind, wishing to stay in this short second of time forever. Malia, her light hair pulled into two tight, now soaked braids, is seated on a laughing Scott’s broad, sun-kissed shoulders as his hands grip the curve of her thighs to stabilize his girlfriend. The couple is laughing and splashing wildly at a howling Delaney. Her dark hair came loose of its tie, the curls floating in the water as she tries to move sluggishly through the water to escape Scott’s sporadic splashing. Lydia is behind her, her hands clutching Delaney’s as the girls try to shield themselves. Stiles' tan face breaks into a beaming smile, the edges of his mouth tugging up and showing off his dimples. An ache to live forever in this idyllic moment forms under the pulse of his heart.

“Stiles, c’mon!” Scott encourages, his dark ochre eyes soft and welcoming.

Delaney looks up, her sage eyes watching as Stiles peels off his half-buttoned blue flannel, exposing the pale, freckled chest of his wiry frame and the sharp cut of his hips. A fierce blush rises to her freckled cheeks as the boy nimbly climbs into the crystal water. The haze clouded memory of Stiles’s soft, fluffy dark hair in her grasp and the lingering taste of his salty lips flashed in her mind, making her cheeks reach hotter temperatures than the humidity of the air. She knows the dark-haired boy remembers the kiss, but she wonders if he meant to kiss her back or if he was just caught up in the ‘we’re all leaving, so what matters anymore’ rationale. Delaney swallows sharply, turning her attention to the game of chicken being organized. Stiles offers to carry Delaney on his shoulders, choosing her as a teammate without a beat of hesitation. Delaney meets his coffee colored eyes for a charged second before she grabs his freckle spattered shoulders, feeling the heat of his skin against her palm. Once seated on his shoulders, she tilts violently to the left, but Stiles steadies her with his hands. His long fingers dig into the tan skin of her thighs, laughing as Delaney pats his damp hair in a gesture of thanks.

The inseparable group dissolves into laughter, enjoying the cool water to beat the heat of the short summer. The lingering threat of their assured end is shoved in the backs of their mind, using it to push themselves further into the moment. The five teens were desperate to outrun their doom.

___

The embers sparked and hovered dizzily around the flickering orange flames, casting dancing and flickering shadows of gold on the ground. The day had crawled away slowly, finding a hidden place to stay as the night descended around the sky, blanketing it in heavy dusk. Delaney lay tucked sleepily in a chair arranged before the sultry fire, limbs folded and sweatshirt obscured face leaning against the fabric back of the seat. Her dark, still damp hair was tied at the nape of her neck and falling out from under the scrunched edges of her hood. Her hands played idly with the frayed strings of the Cyclone hoodie that didn’t even belong to the chartreuse eyed girl. It was Stiles, the boy having given her his worn, and former lacrosse hoodie when the girl expressed the chill of the night air years ago and she’d failed to give it back. Delaney tugged the sweatshirt up to hide the bottom half of her face, imagining the dark-haired boy’s heady scent still lingering on the maroon, velvet-like fabric. Part of her knew she never made a real attempt to give the hoodie back, liking the way it fit on her curvaceous body and the way she could carry a piece of her favorite person around.

“Hey, Del?” Scott’s soft, low voice floats over her, prompting Delaney to lift her exhaustion-heavy head and peer at her friend. “We’re going inside, it’s cooling down. Wanna come?”

Scott was standing tall, dark eyes warm and kind as Lydia fluttered at his side; Malia already retired to the house and deeply asleep on the old pullout couch of Lydia’s basement. Stiles was still seated next to Delaney, the two staring in relaxed silence at the flickering flames of the slowly decaying fire. Delaney’s pale eyes slid to the boy next to her, watching to see if he made any twitch to move into the house, and when Stiles gave a soft shrug and continued his supervision to the glowing embers, Delaney refused gently.

“I’m good. We’ll go inside soon enough to watch the movie.”

Scott gave a nod and turned away, leaving Lydia to grin at her curled up best friend.

“Alright. Don’t stay too long, you may fall asleep.” Lydia jokes, a slanted smile gracing her pretty, delicate features.

Stiles’s coffee eyes trailed over Lydia’s features, studying her softly and giving her a small smile before the red-haired girl danced into the house with a swish of her hips. His eyes lingered, his reverie of the fire broken for a brief second by Lydia’s glorious presence.

“Stiles,” A soft plea of a voice came from the brunette next to him, her eyes worrying over him.

Stiles turns, finding Delaney already watching him, no doubt catching his rapacious gaze on their cherry haired friend. His cheeks blaze pink lightly, barely perceptible in the thick dark of the night. Stiles plows a hand through the thick locks of his dark hair, still sodden from the sun-filled hours spent in the turquoise waters of the large pool. He watches as Delaney blinks, her dark lashes fanning over the smooth plains of her cheeks slowly before she lifts her eyelids; which seems to take a strenuous amount of work by the speed of the flutter. Stiles’s breath hitches, the way it does when something snatches your breath greedily, sneaking it away as you take in the sight before you. A flash of Lydia’s perfectly serene and porcelain appearance flickers in his mind, crashing with the charming innocence of Delaney and the exhaustion tugging at her actions. Suddenly, Stiles is caught between them two, suspended between the devoted years of yearning for the beloved ginger and the sense of serene happiness and unrelenting comfort from the dark-haired beauty. Stiles swallows thickly, forcing the war of attention from his mind and refocuses desperately on the flare of the dying fire.

“Do you want to play something?” Delaney’s soft voice lures him farther into the pull of her magnetism.

“Like what?”

“Twenty questions? Something that doesn’t require me to move.”

“Sure.” Stiles agrees, leaning further back in his seat, feeling the heat of the fire shimmer over him in pleasant waves. His sepia eyes flutter close, drinking in the night with his other senses. “What are you thinking of right now?”

Delaney’s pink lips quirked up at the corners, her dimples showing softly. Stiles loved to remake games, except this time these were just straight up questions instead of making it more complex. She leaned her own head back, closing her pale eyes and relaxed, letting the exhaustion from the day’s activities calm her.

“I’m thinking about you.”

“And what about me?”

“Is that another question, Stiles?” Delaney laughed, the sound sweet and short, hovering in the air. “You know you only have twenty.”

A beat of silence followed before Stiles’s soft, raspy voice answered. “What about me?” He repeated.

“Do you like Lydia?”

The question hung in the air, a pivotal moment of truth that could alter their relationship in ways they couldn’t have imagined. Delaney’s throat was tight, her question a risky plea that flew right over Stiles’s head. Stiles didn’t realize Delaney’s secret attempt at revealing her feelings despite how poorly she hid it; raw emotions and the truth written over her olive skin. Her sage eyes scan Stiles’s profile, optimism playing in her irises like a splash of black paint against a white wall; stark and obvious. Stiles turns to face her, russet eyes locking onto hers as they stare at each other. Hope catches in the girl’s throat, hard and dangerous. Stiles’s eyes run over his best friend, slow and steady as if he’s trying to figure out the answer from her face. As the brunette boy stares, he’s lost. Fallen in the depths of Delaney’s charm and small, gregarious smiles and easy nature. The boy can’t stop himself from getting pulled into her orbit, and at this moment, he doesn’t try to stop it. He loses the fight gladly, finding peace in the solidarity of his best friend. At this moment, Delaney is the only answer. Delaney is the answer.

“No, I like you, Delaney.”

[witchesoz]

After Oz: Legends of Oz

I hesitated before doing this one, because this movie is mostly based on the book "Dorothy of Oz" by Roger S. Baum, and I haven't read said book. It is something that tends to get on my nerve, when people actually don't care about the original material an adaptation was based on, and consider the adaptation as its own entirely original piece of work, when in fact, a lot of it was taken from somebody's else work. I mean, the perfect exemple is Shining. Some people praise Kubrick for being a pure genius for inventing this story from A to Z, and consider Stephen's King television series a "poor attempt at a remake of the movie", when... you know, King originally wrote the Shining and Kubrick merely adapted it. In fact, people tend to forget most of Kubrick's movies were adaptation. Dr. Strangelove? Loosely based on "Red Alert". Lolita? Everyone knows it is Nabokov. A Clockwork Orange? Anthony Burgess. 2001: Space Odyssey? Inspired by shorts stories of Clarke, the co-author. Eyes Wide Shut? A 1920s German book, Traumnovelle. And so forth and so forth...

  Hum. Sorry for the rant. I just needed to explain why I always want to take in consideration the original material when tackling an adaptation.  But since I haven't read and can't get this book, I will mostly rely myself on the Wikipedia plot and other reviews I read. If you wonder, yes, Roger S. Baum is Baum's great-grandson (or great-great-grandson?), and he wrote "Dorothy of Oz" as a direct sequel to the first book, "The Wizard of Oz", ignoring all of the others, and... apparently he is not a really good writer. But anyway... I still decided to do a little something about this movie, because... well just because I wanted    Oh yeah, another thing... an elephant in the room I have to adress right now. I only discovered it this year, by doing research about the movie (because before I only saw it at the time of its released and then forgot about it). You can know it, or completely ignore it - yes, I know that this whole movie was the result of a huge scam that robbed hundreds of people out of their money, and that the case has been even brought to trial. But... well the movie is still here, people still saw it, it is still around, will be for still quite a long time, and it is now part of the Oz inheritance, that you want it or not. Anyway, a lot of Oz movies had a dark and troubled production. It seems almost like a pre-requisite: if you do an Oz movie, you'll never end happy. Maybe it is a curse? Who knows.

       So... let's get into the subject. Is "Dorothy's Return" a bad movie? (I'll use this name, because "Legends of Oz" was the name of the intended franchise of three, maybe ten movies). I wouldn't say so. A lot of people said it was crap, or worthless, but I wouldn't call it bad. People also said that it is a bland movie, and I would say yes - but only partially. I think a good lot of the extreme bad reactions were caused because of 1- people who just disliked the idea of more Oz adaptations, 2- people too old for this movie, because you have to remember that this is a movie aiming at children and 3- people who are hard-die fans of the MGM movie and not so much of the original Oz books. It may also play in account that Dorothy's Return was roughly released the same year, and played as a "rival" to "Oz the Great and Powerful".

    Now, note that it isn't a memorable movie (except for a few bits). It isn't an excellent movie. It isn't a cult classic (even though it may become it with the whole scam background, who knows?). It isn't something I would watch again and again with pleasure. It isn't something exceptionnal or groundbreaking, it is even quite generic. But, it has some good parts, and it manages to be entertaining, and honestly as a child I could have sit in front of it and watch it with no problem. Because, yes, it is a children movie. The action is rushed, the characters lack depth, some moments are too sugary-sweet or even cringy (for exemple the song "We'll work together". Seriously, I just looked away and sped up a bit because that was too sickening-sweet for me.) As a result, as a child movie they missed things that could have been really good (the old tree agreeing to be use for a boat, which is played straight up as him being killed, the characters even say so, but then it turns out he is still alive as a boat? You could have had a great, deep, fascinating almost philosophical moment, but you just waste it for a happy ending). Anyway, what was I saying? Yes, a children movie. As a result, some people called the movie "too simple". On the other side, people called the story "too confusing".

  To an Oz fan like me, it isn't actually confusing. It isn't at all - but indeed, for someone with a limited knowledge of Oz, it will be confusing. Because, while they base themselves on an Oz book that re-uses many elements from the books (the Queen of the Field Mices, the Sawhorse, the China Country...) it also decided to include a lot of elements from the MGM movie (the Wicked Witch of the West is the one from the MGM, Glinda is also quasi-identical from her MGM counterpart, the Winged Monkeys work with the evil people...). As a result, yeah, it may be confusing. But the inclusion of the MGM elements actually managed to correct some flaws of the original story. For exemple, in Roger S Baum's book, the Jester was merely a normal jester possessed by the ghost of the Wicked Witch of the West, through her magic wand. Wait, magic wand? There wasn't any magic wand mentionned in the original book! But in the movie, to use the broomstick of the Wicked Witch makes much more sense.

      I'll take a short time here to comment on the character of the Jester, who is, I think, the highest point of this movie. He is a good villain. A cliché but interesting backstory cashing on the idea of Oz vilains as siblings, a clear shout-out to the Joker which isn't so bad, interesting plans. He is also the provider of many nightmarish elements (the fate of Dorothy's companions, which I think was a very good idea, or the people turning into puppets and being used for a creepy dance) that made this Oz movie feel... well Ozian. Because a good Oz work is a work that will traumatize your kids! I guess a bit part of why the Jester works so well is that he basically repeats and remakes all his sister, the Wicked Witch, did in the MGM movie, and let's be honest, she was a great villain. (And this again makes sense when you remember the Jester is originally supposed to be possessed by the Witch's ghost). But at the same time he has his distinctive signature and style, with his Jester persona, his circus-related punishment and his personal plots to conquer Oz. [People noticed obviously the sweet irony of things in this movie. You have a double-character that, on the Earth world is a cheater and criminal trying to steal people of their houses and using several fake identities, while in Oz it is a villain that turns people into puppets he can manipulate and relies mostly on cheating and misleading Dorothy to her doom. Which is eerily similar to what the creators of the movie/franchise did with their financers and investors.]

  Talking about the Earth side... The whole "earthly" parts are all bland and not memorable. Just like Dorothy, who isn't really... anything to be honest. The songs sung aren't memorable either. All of that is a fail. A lot of people also considered the Earthly animation uncanny, or even disturbing, but I personally wasn't bugged by it at all. I saw much more uncanny animation.

    When it comes to the Oz part, I actually think they managed to create a perfect "Ozian story". As in, the general schema of the girl entering in Oz through an uncommon mean (here a people-eating rainbow, that I have to say was quite a scary scene to look at), then passing through many small kingdoms, meeting new friends, forming a team, discovering the villain and fighting him off - this plot was repeated by Baum times and times and times again, and probably comes from the original novel Dorothy of Oz. But it still works, as simple as it can be. Plus, the use of the China Country and the Candy County (I think its their name?) was quite a good choice. The China Country was one of Baum's earliest invention, while the Candy County (originating from the Roger S Baum book) is eerily similar to the Bunbury village, an invention of Baum, inhabited by living baked goods that also get angry at the protagonists for trying to eating them. Yes, all in all, the characters feel really Ozian. As for the other member of the team, "Wiser the Owl". Well... he had the potential to feel an interesting and Baum-ian character. But it falls flat because he just becomes one living fat joke. I mean, fat jokes can be funny. But when the character is mostly the joke itself well... yeah, not really working. He had a much interesting role in the prequel comic book.  

   Because yes, there is a comic book associated with this movie! As I said before, originally the project was to create a franchise of several movies, with toys, goodies, applications and video games. (Or at least that was the project the scam used). The comic is however found under the original title for the movie "Dorothy of Oz". I don't have much to say about it, outside that is was quite pleasing (even though it sometimes doesn't make sense when put in direct relationship to the movie), and that it introduced one interesting idea: that the magic of the broomstick/Witch relied mostly on manipulating the weather and nature. The Jester causes a flood to destroy the Munchkin town, he causes an earthquake to break the China Country, he uses heatwaves to melt the Candy County... And another interesting point, the role of Wiser. Indeed, in the movie he is presented as a "motor-mouth" that keeps talking about everything, knows a lot of stuff and has the tendency to finish other people's sentences. But it gets quickly overshadowed by the fat jokes (cause a big part of his character is that he used to be able to fly but now, because of his love for candy, he is too fat to fly). However, in the comic book he has rather the role of the one voice of reason and intelligence that offers down-to-earth, simple solutions to problems where the other Ozians search for more extravagant and magical possibilities. Exemple (SPOILERS: when trying to create a rainbow, the team searches everywhere, thinks of asking witches, wizards and candy makers. Wiser has to remind them that anybody can create a rainbow with just a good crystal and some light. SPOILER ENDING.)  

   (I actually read the comic book before looking at the movie, which may explain why I consider it better than the movie.) To return to my opinion on the movie... Not the greatest Oz movie, but certainly not the worst. Average, but on the good side. Entertaining and interesting, even though bland and generic. They got the feeling of an Oz story but they just didn't found a way to freshen up or make the story shine on its own. A good villain for a heroine easy to forget. Simple. Ideal for children, or to kill time, or just to inspire one for more Oz work.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Love in a Fiery Place or Hot and Bothered

Summery: Lisa tries matchmaking. Never let her matchmake. See my (shamlessly self promoted) other fic, Just like Fire, for who the heck Volcana is.

It's been months since Lisa had seen her brother or Mick ever since they went on their time travel, earth saving mission and she was bored.

Sure she had pulled off her share of heists and gone on a few dates with her favorite, babbling engineer but jewelry and sex had it's perks for so long. Especially with Cisco having a job.

She really needed a hobby, but one evening after too much beer and watching Love Actually on Netflix she thought of a brillant idea.

Matchmaking! 

She could matchmake someone she knew and watch them act all blushy and idiotic. It would be definitely entertaining.

She could match up her brother, but Lenny would never go for it. Besides she couldn't exactly see her brother in an attractive way. The guy made cold puns and read Kant during his spare time. Who would go for such a nerd like that!

But Mick. Mick was an equally challenging prospect with his unhealthy obsession with fire, alcoholic tendencies and general unpredictablness. But there were lots of the pyros in the world, she just had to find one who would be willing to date him.

Unfortunately that was a lot harder than she thought.

After checking most dating sites, she found that most Pharos were either dead, in jail, old or jailbait or that they weren't super into it. Just a few trash can fires.

She needed someone who would be just as willing to burn a building down.

So she had to up the search a notch. And what better way was to hack into S.T.A.R. Labs. More specifically, Cisco accessing into S.T.A.R. Labs.

"Please..." Lisa pouted. 

"No no no. I'm not helping you find MICK of all people a date,” Cisco protested.

"Why not? Don't you believe in love conquers all? You redeemed me,” Lisa purred. 

"Hardly." Cisco snorted. 

"Very true, my corrupt little scientist," Lisa smiled, leaning over his chair and basically falling into his lap. "But love could get him off the crime paths he's been on.” 

"Then he can fall in love with a psychiatrist. Putting him with another pyro will only cause more crime." Cisco stammered as Lisa caressed his long hair

"Pyros can handle pyros. Psychiatrists are suicidal and it won't do any good if the girl dies of fear after two dates." Lisa pouted again, bringing her lips closer to his, ending with a nice smoldering kiss.

Plus three more after that.

"Umm what we're talking about?" Cisco asked dazedly coming up for air

"Files. I'm not going to let this go Cisco. I always get what I want,”  Lisa smirked

Cisco paused, "If I do this, I'M choosing the movie and the restaurant for our date."

"Fine! We'll go to that disco bar." Lisa rolled her eyes.

"Alright!" Cisco started humming Bees Gees as he typed away on the computer for pyro meta criminals.

"There's none. That's impossible. There really aren't ANY pyros in Central City besides Mick?l Lisa cried

"Guess they didn't want to steal his gimmick," Cisco shrugged, looking relieved

"Do you think there are any in the Starling city?" She asked "Don't know, it's more mercenary and assassins then metas." He answered

"Maybe there are fire aliens?" Lisa thought out-loud, 

"Only Earth 3,” Cisco shook his head.

"Earth Three?" Lisa froze. 

"Shit!” Cisco eyes widened "No, no, no. That's just some crazy dream I had. There's no such thing as Earth Three is like there being Earth Two. Totally stupid" Cisco babbled

"Take me." Lisa demanded Cisco started taking off his shirt.

"I like how your mind works. But no. Take me to Earth Three. Tell me all about it. Are there really such things as fire aliens?" Cisco groaned

"I'll do it myself. You know I will. So you can come help or I'll trash this place doing it myself" Lisa insisted

"We are so lucky that Caitlin and Flash are out today" Cisco groaned again "Yaaas"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They had entered to Earth Three just as Supergirl finished saving a bus full of children. Once the reporters left, Cisco introduced himself and her as friends of the Flash. Lisa explained her mission to help Mick find love. 

Supergirl had been just as convinced as Cisco at the idea that love redeems but with a lot of wheedling and encouragement about second chances, Supergirl had allowed the idea of helping them.

"I think I know the girl perfect for Mick" Supergirl explained enthusiastically as they walked to the government building, DEO. "Claire Selton, code name Volcana. Born with pyrokenesis and trained to be a weapon by the government. She went rouge on them and used her powers to steal and cause crime. Superman had to put her on a deserted island in hopes not to harm any more civilians. But stay here. I'll be back soon." She left them in a plain white room, suitable for a noir style interrogation scene and waited. Five minutes later, Supergirl was back with a young thirty year old. The girl in question had long flaming orange hair that reached to her ankles in a messy braid. Her tan skin glowed brightly against her white bikini, her ambers eyes sparked with confusion and annoyance.

"No" Claire hissed, sitting down on the table. Lisa noted with pleasure that the metal table steamed and let out drifts of smoke when Claire touched it.

"No what?" Cisco asked.  "Supey told me what you want. My answer is no. I am not going to a totally different Earth for a guy I never even met. What is this? 1689? Supergirl take me back to the island I am missing my afternoon tanning" she demanded. "Oh oh well that's understandable but did Supergirl mention that this guy has a heat gun that radiates about 220 tons of fire power in a single shot" Lisa rattled off.  "It's 225 tons of fire power btw. Plus how many guys here can say they burned a house for the sake of watching it burn" Cisco added.  "And he's been practicing flame swallowing,” Lisa added.  "Claire.." Supergirl started calmly.  "It's Volcana to you.” Claire scowled.

"Volcana. You're not going to get married to him. Just one date and if you don't like it you can come back here. Besides aren't you tired of being alone in your little island?"

"I wouldn't be there if it weren't for you!" Volcana shot back.

"You were hurting innocent people!" Supergirl retorted.

"Well those "innocent people" we're hurting me. I didn't want to be a weapon but you all treat me like a bad guy because I am what I am.” Volcana ranted, flames suddenly burst from her hands.

Lisa and Cisco jumped back and Supergirl put on a defensive stance.  "And he will love you for it" Lisa put in.

"We have a lot of metas. They get what it's like to be used for their powers. Now Mick will get you even more because he understands how pretty the flames are. It doesn't have to be a date, just two adults talking, fellow pyro to pyro." Cisco said

Claire glared at them in silence, contemplating. "Fine, only for the sake of watching something burn."

The three nodded eagerly at each other. --------------------------------------------------------------- Claire changed into a more appropriate outfit of red leather top and black leather pants with combat boots as they left Smallville.

"Good luck," Supergirl gave a tentative thumbs up and left.

As the three went through the portal, Lisa interrogated Claire and was pleased to find out that she and Mick had a lot in common. Love of alcohol, way too graphic descriptions of explosions and fiery deaths, and had no filter when it came to humor.

"They are practically soul mates!" Lisa whispered giddily in Cisco's ear as they left the Earth One S.T.A.R. labs to Mick's abandoned apartment.

"Oh joy," Cisco muttered sarcastically. --------------------------------------------------------- Cisco had left immediately, stating he didn't want there as a witnesses for future villainy. 

Lisa settled Claire to the guest room of the apartment and waited for the boys to arrive. Claire had gotten bored so she sat down, turned on the oven and stared. Another pastime she shared with Mick. Lisa swore her face was going to break open if she smiled anymore. 

Oh this was going to be so good, and if it ended badly damn it was going to be more entertaining than the firework bomb Mick had set up for April Fool's Day. Leonard and Mick arrived at 7 pm. They didn't say anything about where they had been, they were just so exhausted and about to fall asleep but Lisa insisted on keeping Mick awake, slapping his cheek the whole time as he walked to the kitchen. 

"What do you want?" Mick scowled, shoving her hand away from his face.  "I'm about to change your life, Mick this is Claire" Lisa introduced "Claire this is Mick.” 

Leonard gave a questioning look to her but she just grinned. 

"Oh you gotta be kidding me. Look however she suckered you into this I'm not interested. Leave." Mick instructed Claire.

"Aren't you a charmer? I've seen midgets more handsome than you" Claire spat. 

"She's a pyro. Claire, show him" Lisa said.  Claire sighed but showed off anyway by blowing a kiss as her hand spouted fire like a dragon. "Where's smoke, there's flame. That's me. Volcana" Mick just stared in awe. 

"Heatwave" he lifted the gun from his belt, "Do that again, I need to try something.” 

Volcana complied, Mick shot his gun at the same time and it set the table on fire, and quickly spread to the oven. 

"Holy Shit!" Lisa screeched and grabbed the fire extinguisher taped to the door for emergencies like this, spraying it everywhere. 

"What the hell are you two doing" Leonard yelled but the two heat villains ignored. 

"Volcana huh?" Mick grinned maniacally, leaning against the charred table. "I like your heat gun. Sure could have used it on those cold Metropolis nights" Volcana flirted back, staring up at Mick. "I'll leave you to it. C'mon Lenny," Lisa shoved Leonard out the door. When she stopped by the apartment to drop off a six pack and to get her golden bra for her date with Cisco, she saw the living room an absolute mess with scorch marks in random places, a torched smoke detector on the ground, pile of clothes and the smell of smoke in Mick's room. 

She was good. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following weeks just reeked of success. Claire stopped by the apartment regularly. There was a new headline everyday as the couple started fires and explosions around Central City for their dates, and Lisa had overheard their nicknames for each other. Fireball and Spitfire. 

Since it went so well she was even thinking of setting up the other Rogues like Trickster II. Maybe with some Metahumans that Cisco watched like Peek a Boo. She was once again considering setting up her brother but she had pick pocketed his phone earlier and saw that he seemed to have sort of "thing" with White Canary from his Legends team. Which prompted her to stalk any information about Sara. Purely for research, not that she wasn't worried about him getting hurt. Please Len was way too cautious for that to happen. 

At the same time the success of her match had come with a price. Due to their fire kink, the two had burned Mick's room, her room, the guest room, the living room and the kitchen was beyond repair. 

She had to crash at Cisco's place which was nice, but Leonard came also because his cold gun was in the threat of being torched at any second. Nor could he get any piece of quiet with the all the fire puns. "Not fun to hear them," Lisa taunted. 

"That's different. Mine are clever. Theirs are just about fire and sex. Some things I do NOT need to know about my partner." "Thanks for the nightmares," Lisa sighed as a "lovely" mental image entered her head. With them crashing at Cisco's place, Leonard resigned to glaring from the love seat while she and Cisco were on the couch. It was not helping date night. So it was up to her to save the apartment. 

She had entered the apartment expecting another scene of quite literal hot love but found more burning rage.

"You are weak!!!" Claire screamed, "You don't even have pyrokensis you just have a gun huh. I can start a fire whenever I want! You are nothing!" "You're just a hypocrite! Oh the government just wanted to use me" Mick mocked with a falsetto "Screw that. You're just as selfish as me. You just use your powers for petty thief but you could be better, so YOU ARE WEAK!" 

"You have nothing. No brains, no strength and yet you think the world would bow to your awesomeness. And you are the most impulsive idiot I ever met. You just forge along with no regard for logic or what we are suppose to be doing on our date. Honestly what am I suppose to do with you, tell me!" "You think you're so hot. Well I'm hotter, hotter than Cold." Mick sneered.

"I thought you didn't care about that!" Claire protested.

"In the middle of sex, yeah I do." Mick retorted.  "Well the TV was on, I happened to mention he was cute get over it!" 

Lisa cringed, ewwww!

"You also said the same about the police officer, Scarlet, the bartender..." 

"You are just jealous." Claire scoffed.

"JEALOUS! I'll freeze your ass in a place where fires die!" A loud crash sounded through the apartment followed by a explosion. 

Lisa scrambled out of the apartment and never looked back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- After that incident, Lisa rationalize it was a natural lovers quarrel and that the two would work it out, therefore there was no need to tell anyone. That because of her honest assumption it was a lover's quarrel or her pride not letting her admit that her match might not have been as successful, it was up to anyone's guess but a phone call three days later confirmed the worst case scenario. 

It was the middle of the day and Lisa was online shopping using the money she stole from a heist earlier that month when Cisco called.

"Lisa, have Mick and Claire been having any trouble that you know of? Any that you feel like warning us about?" Cisco asked, calmly with a slight edge that gave Lisa a sinking feeling. Best to play it dumb.

"Uh just some spats but you know. Couples fight, they fight. Why do you ask?" Lisa chirped. 

"Well you should know that you're little pet project has gone up in flames." Lisa rolled her eyes. Wonder how long he was waiting to use that pun? "Heatwave was stealing from the Central City bank when Volcana stopped by, something about how "she was better than him" and was trying to one-up his heist. Thankfully we were able subdue them both. Mick's back with the Legends and Claire was sent back to Earth Three. No one knows she came from Earth Three except you, me and the Flash. You and I are the only ones that know how she actually got here." 

"All's well that ends well," Lisa weakly smiled.  She could just feel him glare through the phone. "We're going to talk when I get home." ---------------------------------------------------------------- "So what are we not doing?" Cisco asked pacing in front of her as she sat on his couch. 

"Match making Mick with a pyro." Lisa muttered.  "And...." 

"Match making Mick with anyone." 

"And...." 

"Match making in general." "Ever.” Cisco said.  "Ever," Lisa repeated. 

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #210: You Don’t Need the Weathermen to Know Which Way the Wind Blows!

August, 1981

Wow that is one hell of a title! At least in terms of length.

Not the best though.

That still belongs to Avengers #12: “This Hostage Earth!”: In Which the Mighty Avengers Battle to Save Their Beloved Planet From a Fate So Deadly That None But the Macabre Mole Man Could Have Devised It!: A Marvel Tale of Most Compelling Excellence!”

The title to this one being a Bob Dylan reference gets its some bonus points though.

Hmm, this issue is written by Bill Mantlo and he’s also the co-creator of Rocket Raccoon, originally an extended reference to a Beatles song.

Guy loves his song references.

The cover is also pretty excellent this time too. Damn but do I miss covers like this. Four different perils befallen the Avengers separated by the presumed villain’s helmet crest.

So take us away, Mantlo.

We start the issue with the return of the ridiculous four-sided television for the Avengers meeting table. Except now its five four-sided tvs on one pole for maximum media absorption from multiple angles.

And the Avengers are watching THE WEATHER CHANNELS!

Scarlet Witch: “Why have you summoned us, Captain America? What new menace confronts the Avengers?”

Wonder Man: “Wait until you hear, Wanda! Cap’s called us together to watch the weather report!”

Don’t be so surprised. The title and the cover are all about weather.

Cap though says that this weather channel may be showing THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE WORLD!

But surely he’s exaggerating. Even if 2012 the movie ridonkulous weather disasters happen and wipe out humanity, the world will keep on zooming through space. Its a persistent rock.

End of humanity is pretty bad too, from the point of view of humanity. Which the Avengers either are or aspire to.

So there are excessive tornadoes in Kansas. So far, of course.

London is flooding.

There are unnatural thunderstorms and torrential rains in New York, so bad that Thor has decided to show up without being summoned to go ‘hey how about this weather, right?’

Buenos Aires is freezing, baffling and befuddling bikini beach goers.

Which Beast ogles.

Beast, pls. The fate of the humanity is at stake here.

And there’s a heatwave over Antarctica melting ice and raising the water levels, threatening low lying countries. Or mostly just England somehow.

The government’s weather monitoring space station with a weird name Samarobyrn has determined that these weather disruptions are too systematic to be natural so the Avengers are going to split into five groups to investigate the five places I’ve already mentioned, since they’re the five places most seriously affected according to the satellite Samarobyrn.

Beast is going to go to Buenos Aires, to his delight.

Wanda and Vision will go to Kansas.

Beast: “The perfect place to send the Good Witch of the East!”

The Wasp and Wonder Man will head to Antarctica.

Wasp: “Great! Finally I get a chance to wear my new fur coat!”

... Wasp. Heatwave.

Thor will investigate the thunderstorms in New York.

And Cap and Iron Man will go to London.

Not sure what they’re going to do against large-scale weather disturbances. Can’t exactly punch the climate. At least not personally.

Maybe punching a weatherman will help. Can’t make the situation worse.

Anyway, the Avengers all head off to their own destinations, with Beast snarking “Say, shouldn’t someone yell ‘Avengers Dissemble’?!”

So, this reminds me of something, really briefly. There was an episode of Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes that used the title This Hostage Earth (sadly sans the rest) and also coincidentally seems to share some elements with this story. The Avengers split up to investigate seven different anomalies with Iron Man wryly commenting that he should say Avengers Dissemble.

Doesn’t have much of anything to do with this. I was just reminded because of mentioning This Hostage Earth ect earlier.

Anyway, while all of the other Avengers dissemble, Thor tarries.

So he’s still in the meeting room when Jocasta arrives and wonders what the hell is going on. She only found out there was a meeting at all because Jarvis told her.

Damn, that’s rude, the other Avengers.

Thor: “An oversight, surely. Our ranks have swelled of late, and with no permanent chairman, ‘tis hard to know whose responsibility ‘twas to summon thee.”

Jocasta: “True? And yet I have felt... apart from the others. Being a creature of cybernetic circuits and not flesh and blood, I am always aware that I am... different.”

Thor: “And thou thinkest we do shun thee for it? Nay, milady! The Avengers are a composite of mortal and immortal, android and man-beast, man and mutant! Different, Jocasta? Aye, so are we all!”

Oh, hey. There’s that arc about Jocasta feeling disconnected from the other Avengers. We haven’t touched on it for a while but it was a running thing in the Shooter run previously. She tried to make friends with various Avengers but they tended to inadvertently blow her off due to their own preoccupations or just getting distracted.

So, no, Thor, I don’t think that the Avengers are intentionally shunning her. But I do think that none of them have really been reaching out to her, either. And you’re all she has.

Thor heads out to his mission and this time Jocasta tarries, thinking about things and stuff.

So she’s still in the meeting room when the computer pulls up some exposition based on a random thing Beast asked rhetorically.

“Origin of the word Samarobryn in the disaster prophecies of Michael Nostradamus... Samarobryn one hundred leagues from the hemisphere. They will live without law, exempt from politics.”

Huh!

I don’t think I knew that Nostradamus had a first name!

Weird that someone would name a weather satellite after a disaster prophecy that predicted famine caused by excessive rain. That’s like naming a communications satellite Babel.

Anyway, the Avengers all head in five different directions with four Quinjets and one Thor and Jocasta takes a fifth Quinjet and heads off into space.

Huh! They have five whole Quinjets now!

Thor flies up into the sky and begins yelling at the clouds, as one might expect from Thor.

Thor: “The storm rages as it hast for hours, with a fury that doth threaten the very existence of the Midgardian mortals dwelling below! ‘Tis time to leash the lightning -- to put the rain to rout! Cease, storm! ‘Tis the god of thunder who dost command thee!”

And then Thor gets hit in the face by lightning.

This storm is a rude.

Thor is stunned by all of this lightning in the face, I guess backing up Clone Squirrel Girl’s use of electricity to knock out Jane!Thor that one time, nearly falling out of the sky before whirling Mjolnir like a helicopter to land smoothly.

And then Thor goes back to yelling at clouds except this time not just clouds because he spots the one who hit him with lightning and it is a who and not a what.

Thor: “Descend, Villain! And if yon storm be thy doing -- desist!”

Weatherman: “Have a care, god of thunder! Not even you can command... a WEATHERMAN!”

I have queried an expert who has told me that yes, this guy looks a bit tokusatsu.

(And he’s orange. Spoilers: There’s a different colored one wherever the Avengers go. A full color-coded team.)

Anyway, two hours later and over in London, England, Iron Man and Captain America arrive to deal with London being flooded.

Iron Man: “Do you realize just how selective these disasters are, Cap? After all, England and Holland border on the same body of water -- and the first’s been inundated, while the second hasn’t been touched!”

Huh! That is weird. And seems incredibly implausible or like someone or thing incredibly powerful is also incredibly angry at the English.

While Iron Man flies around shooting the water with repulsors to... shove it back into the ocean? Is that what’s going on?? I mean, if the water is disproportionately high on England’s side of the channel then I guess you could just shove the water and accomplish something but I thought there was something going on with Antarctica melting which would indicate that the sea levels are also rising but then why would it be affecting only England and oh no comic logic has broken me

Anyway, while ^ that is happening, Captain America lands the Quinjet on Parliament since there’s not many good places to land and really, how often can you say to have landed a jet on a government building?

He’s old, let him have his fun.

But it’s not just fun! He’s Captain America, the man who wakes up at 4 AM to go for a ten miles jog so he can be showered and ready to superhero by 6 AM, probably!

He notices some kids clinging to an overturned double decker bus (because how would we know it was London without?) and he jumps from Parliament to swing on a Union Jack flag to the bus.

And then he uses the flag to create a tether to a rescue boat that the kids can cross over on.

AND THEN THE BLUE WEATHER RANGER! appears.

Flying around on a hoverdisc and creating a localized tidal wave. The wave smacks Cap off the bus into the water as Blue Weather Ranger gloats.

Weatherman: “Let that be a lesson to you not to wrest lives away -- when they’ve been claimed by... a Weatherman!”

And now a scene transition to sunny Antarctica where Jan van Wasp is finally getting the idea that heatwave means that her fur coat is superfluous.

While melting Antarctica temps might still be cold, this specific melting Antarctica temp is almost tropical!

And its not just sunny, it seems like the sun is moving closer, like the angry sun from Mario Bros 3 because iiiiiiiiits.... THE RED WEATHERMAN!

Weatherman: “Die, Avengers! The only fate for those who would defy... a Weatherman!”

The Red Weather Ranger blasts them with heat beams of a thousand degrees, melting the ice right out from under them.

Wasp figures that the Red Weatherman is radiating heat in waves so she could hypothetically hit him between cycles.

Hypothetically.

Because she can’t figure out the frequency and instead the Weatherman sets her wings on fire. And her wings are an organic part of her and she hurts when they hurts. So she plummets into the water to put herself out.

Hmm... the yellow and black look good on Jan and fits with the Wasp name but sometimes she doesn’t look dissimilar to an X-Men.

Wonder Man does what Wonder Man does and picks up a heavy thing and chucks it jerkwards.

But they’re in Antarctica so heavy thing is a giant ice chunk and jerk is a really hot guy so the ice chunk melts midflight pelting the two Avengers with boiling rain.

Wow, this is going poorly so far!

Who’s next?

Scarlet Witch and Vision are next! And they’ve gone to Kansas to fight tornadoes.

I’m. Not sure how that’s going to play out. I really feel like the Avengers are out of their element trying to fight the weather. Is it too late to call in the X-Men and specifically Storm?

She’s doing a crossover with Dazzler this month in 1981 so its not like she was too busy.

Anyway, Scarlet Witch flies the Quinjet at a tornado and then is shocked when the jet gets swept into the funnel cloud and spins out of control

She wonders why Vision is just standing there but he learned a thing from the Yellow Claw two-parter and isn’t just standing there.

He actually makes his mass so heavy that it forces the Quinjet to the ground with a WHRUMP!

I can’t imagine that’d be good for either the Quinjet or the passengers but I’ll give Vision this.

Its cool that he can do his thing without outwardly expending any effort.

Scarlet Witch: “Yes, neither of our powers are quite so flamboyant as Cap throwing his shield, or Thor his hammer -- but they have proven most effective, else we would not be Avengers!”

And then she uses her witchcraft to force two of the tornadoes to slam into each other and cancel out.

This also seems dubious. Since tornadoes tend to spin the same direction you’d think that instead of cancelling, they’d become one giant super tornado. Them cancelling each other out seems quite improbable actually. Which is probably exactly why it works.

Take that, SCIENCE.

But there’s still one tornado left and its coming for them! And since it appears to not be naturally formed, it defies Wanda’s nature based magic! Curses!

Annnnnnnnnd... It’s a WEATHERMAN!

The ebony Weatherman. Although he looks purple to me.

Weatherman: “Stand or flee, it will make no difference! Your lives are in the hands of a... WEATHERMAN!”

And another scene transition.

Geez, this plot split the party hard. And I think it’s beginning to realize how hard it is to split the story between six groups because this vignette gets four panels before moving on.

Beast lands in beautiful snow-covered iceberg infested Buenos Aires and takes a brief moment to be horny about a bunch of bikini women who have been frozen alive.

Beast: “Oh, my stars and garters! Those bathing beauties I saw on T.V. -- they’re frozen solid! Maybe I could take one or two back to thaw out in my room at Avengers mansion?”

And then as if to punish him for this, the white WEATHERMAN! immediately appears and freezes Beast solid.

Weatherman: “You will need to unfreeze yourself first, man-beast! So says... a WEATHERMAN!”

Beast: “Yoiks!”

Good thing freezing is basically harmless in comics.

And our final party, Jocasta IN SPAAAAAAACE.

Because Quinjets can still just achieve escape velocity. That’s some good super-science.

Jocasta: “Samarobyrn, Earth’s first weather-monitoring space station! It’s so... beautiful! A shimmering silver wheel in space -- a triumph of science and engineering, created to faithfully serve its creators... as was I. Perhaps that is why I alone thought to come here.”

And since she’s a robot, she just jumps out of the Quinjet airlock that it definitely always has had and uses her EYE BEAMMM to basically propel herself away from the Quinjet and toward the Samarobyrn station.

That’s pretty cool, actually. I’m not sure if, scientifically, laser eyes would actually propel that much, but its a cool thought.

Of course, Jocasta has to do all of this cool stuff because the space station didn’t respond to the docking requests Jocasta sent. So she has to go in through the manual override airlock.

In the station, Jocasta finds no signs of life even though it was supposed to have a five man crew.

She finds her way to the hub of the station where the computer monitors are all monitoring the five separate Avengers missions.

So she’s pretty sure her suspicions were correct.

Jocasta: “The five foes facing my fellow Avengers must be the five crewmen of Samarobryn! They have distorted this station’s functioning from that of weather-monitoring to weather control -- and now exploit it for their own evil ends!”

Samarobryn: “You are wrong, silver sister!”

WELP!

The space station computer has gone all HAL. Dammit, this always happens!

So Samarobryn decides to explain it all.

It had a humble beginning as a computer for the U.S. Weather Service’s Project Earthwatch. But then one of the programmers added something extra to the concoction: NOSTRADAMUS!

No but seriously. The programmer decided to download the disaster prophecies of Nostradamus into the computer in addition to weather data.

And particularly the ones dealing with that Samarobryn prophecy, the one Jocasta read part of earlier. So when the comptuer was installed in a space station named Samarobryn, it went ‘hey that me!’

And decided to expand operations from weather monitoring to weather control.

How does a space station outfitted specifically to only monitor the weather make the jump to controlling it? Fuck you, this is comics.

When the crew grew suspicious, the computer rewrote their brains to become the Weathermen.

Why did a computer designed to monitor weather have the ability to-

Look, this is comics. Where Hank Pym, biophysicist, built a computer with a gun pre-installed and was surprised when it shot him and tried to take his wife. THIS. IS. COMICS.

Anyway, speaking of weirdly sexual computers:

Samarobryn: “I sense that you are a machine like me -- created by others but obedient to none! Join me! Be my bride! Together we will cleanse the Earth of imperfect humankind and stand guard over the paradise which remains... as gods!”

Geez, its just like Aaron Stack all over again, way before the fact. Also, Ultron. A certain type of AI is just attracted to Jocasta, huh?

Anyway, Jocasta lets Samarobryn down easy by shooting him with EYE BEAM!

Jocasta: “Nothing would remain but a lifeless mokcery of a world! No! I reject you! I was created to be the bride of another such as you -- but robot though I am, there is still some spark of humanity burning within me! I cherish it -- and would not see its source snuffed out!”

Samarobryn may be a load bearing computer pillar without arms or legs but it still manages to defend itself.

BY FLOODING THE CONTROL ROOM?

I guess everything in this room is waterproof??

And also by shooting lightning, also in the control room. Where I guess everything is lightning proof.

This is a bad plan.

More than I thought, even, because by shifting attention to defending itself up in space, Samarobryn leaves its Weathermen high and dry.

The Orange Weatherman stops being able to throw lightning bolts so Thor clobbers him.

The Red Weatherman chills out so Wonder Man and Wasp can get close and put him in a headlock.

Uh. I’m not sure if Blue Weatherman actually is affected or not because Iron Man just punches him in the back of the head while he’s distracted.

The Ebony Weatherman’s whirlwind vanishes so Scarlet Witch and Vision can kick his ass.

And Beast unfreezes as quickly as he froze and kicks the White Weatherman’s helmet off. And apparently the helmet was maintaining the mind control because the Weatherman is suddenly confused about where he is.

And with the Orange Weatherman beaten up, Thor senses, with his god senses no doubt, that the Orange Weatherman wasn’t the one commanding the weather. So there must be an unseen agent who arranged this.

So his course is clear.

Thor shoots a giant lightning bolt into space and hits Samarobryn.

He doesn’t know that the station is to blame. He’s just shooting a giant lightning bolt into space because he’s pissed that someone used lightning against him.

I guess when you’re the god of thunder, you can get a little homing capability out of your giant space lightning bolts.

Still though. Wow.

Meanwhile, in space, Samarobryn is still trying to woo Jocasta. For a certain value of woo.

Samarobryn: “It is still not too late, female! Accept me! Accept what must be! I can make you love me!”

Jocasta: “What can a machine who would destroy all those I have come to care for know of love?”

Samarobryn: “Nothing, as humans understand love -- but together we can redefine the word on the basis of our own coexistence!”

Jocasta: “Can you not understand? The fact that I am a machine does not make me less than human! I am, as Thor said, merely... different! I would try to live in their human world -- to understand how to retain that difference that makes me unique -- and yet be accepted!”

This is an interesting conversation but wouldn’t you know it? There’s a power surge. Seems like a space station got hit by lightning.

And when the lights turn back on and Jocasta wonders what happened:

Samarobryn: “I am weather-monitoring space station Samarobryn. Your question is not pertinent to weather evaluation. This unit cannot compute.”

So you know how sometimes a program crashes and you lose all your progress?

Samarobryn hadn’t backed up its sapience and the power surge effectively lobotomized it back to factory settings.

Geez.

LATER

All the Avengers stand around congratulating Jocasta for the good job and apologizing that they overlooked her.

Apparently new safeguards were put in place to prevent Samarobryn from attaining sentience again. Probably stuff like ‘don’t download doomsday prophecies into a weather satellite.’

Hm. I know Samarobryn was trying to destroy the world and all but the cavalier lobotomization of an enemy because it was a computer and thus disposable sits wrong when the Avengers have two AIs on their team. Really, the fact that it was an accident is pretty much all that lets it slide by.

Also: I’m kind of peeved that Jocasta didn’t get to resolve the situation, given that this was blatantly a Jocasta focus issue. She does pull a lot of weight, being the only one to figure out the real source of the problem and distracting Samarobryn long enough for the Avengers to beat the Weathermen. But it feels like Thor swiped the big win from her even though he didn’t even know about Samarobryn. Just shot some lightning into space and resolved the plot.

That plot resolution should have been Jocasta’s!

Anyway. Scarlet Witch says that Jocasta being overlooked like she was indicates that the Avengers need to reorganize and Vision suggests that they vote on a new chairperson.

But they’re interrupted by Cap.

Captain America: “Iron Man, Thor, and I have given some thought to the directions this team has taken -- and should take! I open the floor to discussion! The first item on the agenda being: THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH!”

Which basically means a roster shakeup.

Funny that the Avengers have had a period of disorganization and aimlessness when they didn’t have a permanent writer and now that they are getting one, they’re going to try to get their shit together.

Whatever I do, I shouldn’t miss next issue.

But before then, there’s an Avengers Annual that has to fit in somewhere and since it uses this roster of the team, might as well fit it in now, before everyone changes and it makes no sense. And its a fairly well-known Avengers Annual.

The fairly well-known Avengers Annual that looked at Avengers #200 and said ‘actually this is bullshit.’

Follow @essential-avengers​. Also please like if you liked. Its good to know that somebody is reading.

Also, consider donating to the Bill Mantlo Support Fund if you enjoyed vicariously experiencing this issue or if you enjoy Rocket Raccoon or his other stuff like Cloak and Dagger, Micronauts, or Rom.

[fidemleto]

rules  :  tag nine people you want to get to know better

relationship status.   I’m with a dude, because I’m a masochist.   favorite color. Yellow, and deep oranges lipstick or chapstick.   Chapstick, but mainly bc I wear a mask everywhere now last song i listened to.  Heatwaves - glass animals last movie i watched.    #alive  top three tv shows.  Of all time? The office, Gilmore Girls, Jackass top three ships. Elena Gilbert/Sam Winchester, Katherine Pierce/Eric Northman, Faith Lehane and literally everyone books i’m currently reading.   it’s kind of a funny story, & The lonely city

tagged by: the dash from where I stole it tagging: idk, if you see this do it, and tag me if you want to

[ilovemybirdy]

When Heartbeats Collide Chapter 1

Kairi, a budding pop star is out of luck when her music producer suddenly has to take a leave of absence. But an up and coming producer by the name of Sora could be just what she needs to finish her album (and spice up her life).

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Chapter 1: A New Partnership

“Click, tap tap, click.” the sounds of my laptop echoed in the small studio room. Often times, I liked to coop up in here whenever inspiration struck; and last night I had been fortunate enough to strike a gold mine of it. I had been re-watching sleeping beauty for the millionth time and upon this particular re-watch the movie had made me think about the implications of love at first sight. Or I guess, in her case love at first sleep. I thought that it might be an interesting metaphor to talk about love from a dream like state of mind or perspective. I wanted to emulate an airy sound and make the listener feel like they were up in the clouds listening to angels.

I had finished the first verse, the chorus, and had settled on doing the song in Bflat minor. As I hummed potential melodies to myself, a sudden knock interrupted my thoughts.

“Come in!” I called. The door clicked open and my assistant Selphie entered.

“Hey Kairi! How’s the song writing going today?” she asked. She gently smiled at me and walked over.

“Well… I’m having trouble thinking of a bridge and a second verse, but other than that I’m making good progress.”

“I’m glad to hear it!” she exclaimed. “I know you’ve been having writer’s block lately, so it’s great you finally un-stuck yourself. Unfortunately, you’ll have to finish working on this later; your meeting starts in 10.” She checked her watch and gave me an apologetic look. I glanced at the time on my phone: 11:50PM. Right on the dot, as Selphie always was.  

“Oh fun,” I groaned. “My favorite part of the month.”

“That’s why I brought you your favorite: iced caramel coffee with a shot of espresso and extra creamer!” I had been so absorbed in my work that I hadn’t yet noticed the coffee in her hand. “I also got you one of those overpriced snack boxes at Papoubucks because I know you forget to eat when you go into these creative frenzies. Seriously! You’ve been in here for hours.” The time had really flown by; we had gotten here around 8 and it was already noon now.

“Thanks Selph. I swear, I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes.”

“Probably starve to death and go into cardiac arrest from caffeine withdrawal.”

We erupted into a fit of giggles at the snide remark. As I took a much, much needed sip of coffee (my insomnia had been particularly bad lately) Selphie helped me pack up my belongings. On the walk to the conference room I began explaining my new song to her.

“Have you decided on a name yet?” she asked.

“Some contenders I have are dreamy, cloud, and maybe rem? You know, the stage of sleep you have dreams in. Or at least that’s what web MD said.”

“I never like looking up medical problems on there, it just always tells me that I have cancer and that I’m going to die or that I’m pregnant,” she chortled. “Out of those names though I think I like rem the best.”

“Selphie, you’re supposed to take the advice from websites like that with a grain of salt.” I giggled, before continuing. “But yeah, I think I’ll go with rem; it has more meaning behind it than the other names.”

“Look sometimes I get curious and can’t resist looking my symptoms up! Anyway, it sounds like you’re making a really sweet love song! It’s a pretty interesting concept too. I’m sure I’ll love it when you’re done with it.”

Our conversation came to a halt as we arrived at the conference room. We took our seats in the black leather chairs, and unpacked our belongings as members of my team arrived. Selphie readied a pen and notebook to record important points from the meeting. Glancing up, I saw my manager Aqua make her entrance. We made eye contact and she smiled warmly at me; I grinned back. She always wore suits, but today she was sporting a slightly more casual outfit: a navy button up shirt tucked into a pair of black jeans. Her black heels clicked on the tiles and I noticed that she had her sleeves rolled up; probably due to the recent heatwaves. Destiny Islands was famous for having the highest temperatures out of all the worlds, especially during summer.

The rest of my team followed suit behind Aqua: Olette (the head of my PR team), Xion (head of my marketing team), and Marluxia (performance coordinator).  Olette was donning a flowing orange sundress with wedge sandals, Xion was wearing a sleek grey suit, and Marluxia was sporting a pink polo shirt with jeans. Aqua briefly scanned the room to make sure all members of my team were accounted for before starting.

“Alright guys let’s get started. I know I want to take my lunch break just as much as you all,” Aqua said. The room filled with soft laughter at the cheeky comment.

“First things first, let’s check in with you Kairi. How much progress have you made on your album since our last update?”

“Well…” I fidgeted with my pen as I skimmed over my notes. “I have about 5 songs that I finished writing lyrics for. I’m in the process of finish a 6thsong right now. How much time do I have left before the album has to be finalized?”

Aqua paused for a moment and glanced at her laptop.

“I met with Mickey, the head of the department and he said he’d like to have it finalized by September so… that gives you about 4 more months. He also said you needed to have at least 10 songs on the album, if not more.”

“That’s cutting a little bit short but as long as I have Pence to help me finish writing it should be okay. Is he going to be back soon?”

“Well… about that. Pence’s younger brother finally found a kidney donor.”

“Really?! That’s great!” I smiled and clasped my hands. They had been waiting for 6 months at this point. I sighed in relief, things would finally be okay for Pence’s family again.

“I know!” Aqua beamed back at me. “However, because of that he’s decided to take a leave of absence to help out his family back in Twilight Town. Which unfortunately means we have no music producer for you for a while.  However, no need to fear manager Aqua is here! I’ve already recruited some local producers to replace Pence in the meantime. If you don’t click with any, I can always look for more candidates, but it would be easier if you chose one of them for convivence’s sake. I’ll email you their resumes and sample songs for you to look over later. I even took the liberty to schedule interviews with them for this evening so we can get the ball rolling ASAP.”

My anxiety began to flare up at the prospect of interviewing strangers. Writing music was such an emotional and personal process for me; not to mention with someone completely new. Pence had helped me write some of my greatest radio hits and I trusted him so much. It was going to be difficult having to go without him this time.

“Thanks, Aqua, I’ll look over them during lunch. When are the interviews?” I responded, trying to mask the shakiness in my voice. I hid my hands under the table as they shook.

“I have 3 candidates; interviews start at 3PM with 30 minute time blocks for each candidate. Don’t worry, you’ll get out of here no later than 5 today. And with that out of the way, let’s move on to the next topic!”

Chatter broke out into the room and I began munching on my snack. Olette and Selphie discussed some modeling opportunity for ‘Destiny’ magazine, but I was barely paying attention. I breathed slowly, trying to calm down from the anxiety eating away at me until Olette interjected.

“Hey Kairi, have you heard of the Radiant Garden Met Gala? Yuffie is one of the fashion designers for this year; I met her at a networking conference last week. Apparently, she’s a big fan of yours and asked if she could have the honor of designing for you!” She pushed a stray hair behind her ear as she beamed at me excitedly.

The Met Gala was one of the biggest annual fashion events throughout all the worlds. While I never really cared for the press at big events, getting dressed up and admiring all of the designer’s hard work was my favorite thing about red carpet events.

“I’d love to attend, Selphie do I have room in my schedule for it?”

“Mmmmm…” she paused as she flipped through her planner, “Yeah! It is cutting it a bit close to your performance for the Island’s summer fest but definitely doable. Olette, can you give me Yuffie’s email so that I can coordinate the consultation and fitting?”

Olette nodded and began typing away at her laptop. Xion then stepped up to show some new merch designs for the team to look over on the projector. Aqua and I approved some, and requested alterations on others for her team to work on. Marluxia and Selphie then discussed some future performance dates. By the time the meeting was finished, my coffee and snack box were no more. Everyone fled out of the room saying their goodbyes quickly, excited for lunch.

“Hey Kairi, what are you in the mood for? Why don’t you go prepare for those interviews while I go pick up lunch?” Selphie asked.

“How about comfort food? Maybe some pad thai from that Asian place on Shinjitsu street?” I desperately needed something to calm my nerves with how on edge I felt.

“Oh, I love their orange chicken! I’ll head out now, be back in a flash! I wanna take a look at those resumes too when I get back. A new producer, how exciting!” she squealed. Grabbing her purse, she dashed out the door. I quickly packed up and headed back to my studio room. Once there, I made myself comfortable at the desk and pulled up my email.

Hey sweetheart!

Here are the 3 candidates I’ve picked out for you: Hayner, Seifer , and Sora. The first two have worked with some of my other artists I manage, and Sora was a recommendation from Xion herself. Apparently, they went to college together and he works with some of her other merchandise clients. As a reminder, interviews start at 3PM! I’ve told them to just meet you in your studio. Good luck and remember to check in with me tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Aqua

Artist Manager at Destiny Island Records

Deciding it was best to just go in order, I clicked on the first file titled ‘hayner.docx’. Previous artists he’d worked with included big names like Yuna and Paine. Yuna was well known for fast paced hip hop EDM songs and Paine did a lot of alternative rock. At least he was multifaceted, but neither genre was exactly my cup of tea. I clicked on the links to the sample songs listed but was only slightly impressed.

Then, I pulled up Seifer’s resume. Apparently, he’d been behind some of the top hits lately; many that I knew and enjoyed. I didn’t even need to take a listen to the samples; I knew the songs already. However, his style didn’t fit the vibe I was trying to go for on this album.  It was way too… club music-y and sexual. Before I even got a chance to look at the last candidate, Selphie waltzed in.

           “Kairi! I’m back!” the plastic bags crinkled loudly as she set them down on the table. She handed me my food and started to dig into hers before barraging me with questions.

           “So, have you looked at the resumes yet? What do you think so far?”

           “I’ve only looked at two. I’m not particularly interested in Hayner and Seifer is a maybe. I haven’t had a chance to look at this ‘Sora’ guy yet though.” I turned my laptop to her.

           “Wow the first two guys seem pretty accomplished! What’s wrong with the Hayner guy?”

           “His style doesn’t really fit with my vision for this album. I’m also not a punk or rock singer.”

           “Oh, I guess that’s true. Why is Seifer a maybe?”

           “I feel like he has a good track record for making hit singles, but that’s the only reason I’m considering him.”

           “You don’t need a producer to make hits! You have some of the best, no, thebest vocals I’ve ever heard. Don’t go with him just because you think he’s the technically correct choice. Why don’t we take a look at the last guy tog-e-herfmmf?”

           “After I finish my lunch. And Selphie, I love you but please don’t talk with your mouth full of food.”

           “Hey!” she pouted, and her face made me burst into a fit of giggles.

           Selphie scarfed down her lunch in 2 minutes while I ate my pad thai at a reasonable pace. She may have looked tiny and ladylike on the outside, but the girl was a monster when it came to food. There was a reason she didn’t do dinner dates on the first date; I’ve never met anyone with a more bottomless stomach than her.

           “Kairiiiii, I’m trying to be patient but you’re taking so long to eat! Can I just start looking at the Sora guy now?”

           I rolled my eyes. “It’s not my fault you eat at the speed of light. Are you sure you’re human?”

           She smacked my shoulder lightly and pouted.

           “Sorry, sorry. Yeah go ahead. Once Selphie had finished skimming the written portion, she played one of the sample songs. The song was soft and gentle, and a beautiful tenor voice sang over it.

           Don’t get me wrong I love you

           But does that mean I have to meet, your father

           When we are older, you’ll understand what I meant when I said no

           I don’t think, life is quite that simple

I was hooked. It was exactly the tone I was looking for with the added bonus of meaningful lyrics. Selphie noticed my eyes widen and sniggered.

           “There’s more sample songs listed, I’m assuming you want to hear the rest?”            “Yes please.” I immediately answered. She giggled once more at my eagerness.

           A sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah

           Where fears and lies melt away

           Music in time

           I need more affection than you know

           What’s left of me, what’s left of me

The first song had been a bit more upbeat but this one sounded heavenly and dreamy… which is exactly what I had wanted for the song I was working on this morning. I quickly scarfed down the rest of my food before beckoning Selphie to give the laptop back.

           “Quite the eager beaver we have here huh?”

           “Shut up. I just happen to like these samples okay?”

I wiped my hands off on a napkin before scrolling back to the top of the resume. He had only worked with lesser known artists, and only had two years in the industry under his belt. Experience or not, it was obvious the guy was gifted. I absolutely needed to meet this man.

[kristallioness]

Autumn "would you rather" because I hate summer and I want it to end already

I was tagged by @purpleplatypusbear21. Thanks (again) for the tag! I was saving this one for September 1st, since.. you know, it's the first day of the first month of fall. (Btw I don't hate summer at all, even though this year's was rather hot for a while because of the heatwave.)

1. go apple picking vs. go on a hay ride 2. scary vs. sweet 3. sweaters vs. boots 4. socks vs. mittens 5. bonfires vs. football 6. trick-or-treating vs. watch scary movies 9. bake pie vs. bake cookies 10. rain vs. fog 11. black cats vs. owls 12. ghosts vs. wizards 13. harry potter vs. halloweentown 14. go hiking vs. sleep in 15. cinnamon vs. nutmeg 16. reading vs. writing 17. hot chocolate vs. tea 18. live in a cabin in a forest vs. have it be fall 24/7 19. candy apples vs. caramel apples 20. blankets vs. pillows 21. roasted marshmallows vs. roasted chestnuts 22. coffee vs. apple cider 23. red leaves vs. orange leaves 24. braids vs. bows 25. scented candles vs. the smell of fresh baked goods 26. carve pumpkins vs. make pumpkin pie 27. pumpkin spice lattes vs. chai tea lattes 28. coats vs. oversized sweaters 29. beanies vs. berets 30. candy corn vs. peanut butter cups 31. s'mores vs. apple crisp 32. jump in a pile of leaves vs. swing on a tire 33. corn maze vs. haunted house 34. bob for apples vs. visit a pumpkin patch 35. whipped cream on hot chocolate vs. marshmallows on hot chocolate

Tagging: @atypicalclyde @flea-bee-rhymes @heliophobicsoul @huckdoodles @joolieroolie @mindatworkk @obbsessedturtle @s-n-arly @thecaroliner (I tagged 9 blogs to celebrate the beginning of the 9th month!)

[poe-bucky-porgs]

Tag Games

Tagged by the lovely @cobalt-one!

RULES: ANSWER THE ELEVEN QUESTIONS THEN TAG ELEVEN PEOPLE AND COME UP WITH ELEVEN QUESTIONS FOR THEM

Favorite movie you can watch repeatedly: Spirited Away, Tangled, and Jurassic Park

Singing in the rain or dancing under the moonlight? Dancing under the moonlight, better chance to meet werewolves

Fly into space or explore the depths of the ocean? Space!

Pick a job you’d have in the Star Wars universe: Flight mechanic or A-wing pilot, I love fixing things and piloting/driving

Favorite color? Orange

Summer nights or summer days? Summer nights, Florida is too hot in the day

Favorite summertime snack!? ice cream!

Summer heatwave or the winter’s cold? Winter’s cold, love me some sweaters and boots

Which Disney character would you like to switch places with? BB-8, I want belly scritches

What city would you like to live in? Wellington (or any city), NZ

Star Trek or Star Wars? I love them both so much, but Imma say Star Wars

11 Questions/Asks for the tagged folks (no pressure):

VR experience or Escape Room?

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Light side or Dark side?

Dogs or Cats?

Evening in fancy dress or Morning in comfy pajamas?

Party hard with friends or quiet reading time alone?

Hiking or Driving?

Dream job?

If you had unlimited funds, how would you use it?

Which Star Wars character do you identify with most?

Random fun fact about you!

I tag anyone who wants to do it because I’d honestly like to know more about you~!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 8

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Kroll Show: Gigolo H-O-R-S-E *"Horse not whores."* 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: "The Wasp Woman" a Roger Corman flick *"Anaphylactic schlock."* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Max Headroom: Grossberg's Return *MTV Rocks the Vote for Hillary Clinton by getting its viewers to tune out and tune in to The Jersey Shore / Real World.* 2 1/2 stars

Blind Date (Deluxe Edition) *Raunchy reality show uncensored material and bloopers from the early 2000s. It's strange to see just how much the fashions have changed. That California douchebag & slut 'look' is a real time capsule (1998? - 2004?) of guilty pleasure to gawk at.* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Watcher *Redneck androids and a test tube Alice in Wonderland un-birthday.* 3 stars

Branson Famous: The Brangelina of Branson *In a town that's stuck in a rhinestone americana timewarp, a family of big haired and big belt buckle entertainers step all over each other in pointy boots in order to be the shining star in a fading industry of entertaining a dwindling crowd of retiree tourists.* 2 stars

==== My Big Redneck Family: Redneck Wedding

*Tater salad turned bad, but the "Shamepain" still tastes good, I guess.

Tom Arnold is giddy to host a reality show that's structured and shot like a sitcom similar to Modern Family.

The presentation isn't half bad, but it's the same lowest common denominator behavior for the camera and those tired, cliche confessionals that all reality shows are required to have.

At least Branson Famous is original in its confessionals which are tacky singing confessionals that turn into sing offs.

Also, I want to know how theme weddings like 'Redneck Weddings' are still considered to be traditional.

Sorry, queers, ya'll are weird, but cut off shorts, beer cans on the front row, and written vows about picking up tighty whiteys covered in trail marks so that the wife doesn't have to is considered a sacred ceremony.* sodomy or skidmarks I vote skid

2 stars

=============================================================

Newsreaders: How Sausage Is Made *A sausage making factory is turned into one of those pretentious millenials start up companies with a hilariously loose atmosphere, and it's visited and documented by a parody of one of those hipster nerd website's sexy cosplay chick who's one of those tries way too hard to be all about nerd culture wannabes. Also, Stevie, from Eastbound & Down, plays a lottery winner whose newly overly rich lifestyle makes him easy to despise.* 2 stars

X Files: Genderbender *The close knit community of Aphrodite and androgyne.* 3 stars

Hippies: Sexy Hippies *"I'm free. Nothin' worryin' me." Except for the fact that being a male, I think about sex every six seconds.* close to 3 stars

Impractical Jokers: Welcome to Miami *Beached Mer-man struggles in the sand for jelly donuts and an alligator is forced to wear a backpack.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Jonny Quest: The Calcutta Adventure *Jolly Jolly Hadji* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Fanny and the Professor *"Touch my mouth, Louise!" Heatwave haywire.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Rinse Dream presents "Party Doll A Go-GO #2" (1991) *Jungle boogie sock-it-to-me shin-dig squeal flick.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Love Stinks --------------

 *Nookie with no strings attached because Freddy cut them.* 3 stars

*Re-Animator as a yuppie pizza shop cannibal.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------

"Meatballs Part 2" (1985) *PG rated sex comedy with E.T. and Pee Wee Herman.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Man Who Was Death *After his state overturns the death penalty, unemployed electric chair technician William Sadler takes his executioner's blues to the street.* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Child Abuse *Mort shows off his devilishly red socks and lets people pour their hearts out about that once dirty secret of the family that has come more to light in recent years as something not to hide.* 3 stars

"The Town That Dreaded Sundown" (2014) *Three different time periods entwined into a true crime homage to drive-in slasher movies like Friday the 13th part 2. It's not perfect, but it's prettier than a postcard with red eye gravy spilled over it. Did I say postcard? I meant porkchop. A porkchop with red eye gravy spilled over it. Well, maybe not that pretty. Porkchop, mmm.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Pilot Episode *Aztecs, snakes, Geckos, demons, Texas Rangers, Mexican cartels, and last of all 21 year old white chicks (how and why did they escape so easy? makes little sense.).* between 2 and 2 1/2 and stars

Rifftrax presents "Terror At Tenkiller" *"More like timefiller at Tenkiller." Pointless small talk, routine walking and driving, mundane lake activity, creepy jerks, generic background music, plus slight instances of side-boob.* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Tim & Eric - Bedtime Stories: Baby *The true horror is seeing Tim & Eric amuse themselves by getting odd looking middle-aged men to perform absurd fetish acts. Dr. Steve Brule's manchild cousin Jordan gets scammed by Tim & Eric, and Roseanne's Laurie Metcalf makes a show stealing cameo.* 2 stars

Finding Bigfoot: Paranormal Squatchtivity *Bobo, Ranae, and the other two dingbats travel to some isolated farms and woods in Pennsylvania that look straight out of Night of the Living Dead. They're searching not just for bigfoot, this time, but boo bumps in the night. They also make a sacrificial offer to the bigfoot by dumping bloody guts and powdered donut dust on a rock.* 1 star for the spook and squatch stuff 2 1/2 stars for the natural lighting, non-nightvision, picturesque shots of rural Pennsylvania

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Lonely Ghost *An early 90s mallrat Tiffany look-a-like bullies her "zeeb" cousin and nanny and meangirls clique until an encounter with a ghost girl from a mirror world.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: Long Way To Morning *gumption versus grouse* 3 stars

Farscape: A Human Reaction *Chricton returns home and finds out he no longer has one.* 3 stars minus maybe 1/2 a star for the twist

Wizards and Warriors: The Kidnap *Black magic and royal blood should never mix.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Root Of All Evil *Exchanging currency for blood.* 3 stars

"The Granny" a film by Luca Bercovici (1995) *Stinking rich Stella Stevens has one foot on a banana peel and is pushed into the grave by the greedy inheritors of her wealthy will. An elixir, with a set of instructions similar to the handling of Gremlins, turns her into an Evil Dead inspired demon bitch. It's up to her mousey granddaughter, played by Shannon Whirry (who struggles to hide how sexy she typically is), to send her back to Hell.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Up In Arms *Citizens against crime. Battlefield lovers. Troublemakers on the 6 o'clock news. Criminal turned Christian. Nude model and her ferocious dog of a man. Corrupt cop killed by razor wielding hooker.* 3 stars

------- Black History Month -- Non-Wayans Scary Movie -------------------

"Tales from the Hood" (1995)

*Welcome to my Mortuary: Some homeboys make a pick up of alleyway discovered drugs at a spooky funeral home ran by an eccentric mortician.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rogue Cop Revelation: Wings Hauser and some other pig cops go Rodney King on a political agitator while Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" plays as the soundtrack. Exactly one year later, the zombified martyr gets revenge.* 3 stars

*Boys Do Get Bruised: David Alan Grier as an extremely convincing and scary abusive stepfather.* close to 3 stars

*KKK Comeuppance: Voodoo dolls terrorize a racist politician at a cursed plantation. I couldn't help but laugh thinking of those Lil' Penny Hardaway doll commercials from the 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Core Convert: A murderous gangbanger won't repent when a Maya Angelou type puts him through Clockwork Orange style therapy torture to get him to see he's killing his own kind in the same way white society lynched his ancestors. It does pose the question of whether it's strictly his fault, but I'm not sure if Spike Lee and others involved aren't suggesting that young black men should use violence on whites instead. There's a lot of venom and hatred and propaganda in this piece. Maybe rightfully so, maybe not.* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

*Mr. Simms: A Mexican standoff Day of the Dead style between the homeboys and the mortician who turns out to be Satan. Welcome to 90's terrible CGI hell, muthafuckas!* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Just Like That *A cute receptionist, who likes to love it up in an elevator, tries to have it both ways with a rich French guy and a pre-Friends slumming it on softcore late night cable Matt LeBlanc.* close to 3 stars

Hannibal: Ceuf *"Norman Rockwell with a bullet." Hannibal Lecter with a daughter. Molly Shannon with a screw loose (not much of a stretch).* 3 stars

--- Duck Dynasty: Bathroom Baloney

*Outhouse racing, because "SOUTHERN!"

We used to not have indoor plumbing, ya'll.

It's pathetic what A & E will go to in order to justify an hour of tv filled with the stupid nonsense these jerks say.

It's all about those advertising dollars, and we morons who give them views.

They're supposed to be down to earth folk and manly men, but the one called Willie acts like he's never used a grill or stove, like most of his audience would  have had to in their lives, when he burns his fingers and squeals like a girl as he ineptly cooks balogna.

Balogna, a cheap and overly processed lunchmeat that has been a part of the diet of that America that they're so quick to latch onto, but most of this millionaire family turns their nose up at the idea of having to eat.

Duck Dynasty, a brand and a family that sell their garbage merchandise at a company (Wal-Mart) that ripped the heart, balls, and innards (all that would go into balogna) out of American smalltown business folk and replaced it with cheap Chinese manufactured goods and sent jobs overseas so that Duck Dynasty's main audience would have to be poor and eat balogna.

Sing it with me, for the land of the freeee and we used to live in caves...*

running from zero to 1 star

==================================================================

Weird Science: Airball Kings *Gary got game.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Ice Queen *God gave us gas.* close to 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 8 *Lambs seeing the dagger.* 3 stars

"Here Comes The Devil" (2012) *The Kids Aren't Alright after a truckstop Picnic At Hanging Rock.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the awkward and amateurish dubbing. The English speaking voice actors are so bland that they drain the passion out of the Spanish actors' performances.

American Horror Story: Asylum "The Name Game" *Rare birds Roche limit.* 3 stars or 1 star for the Glee style musical number

American Horror Story: Coven "The Axeman Cometh" *Ouija (weegee) and all that j-a-z-z.* 3 stars

"House of Dreams" an adult film by Andrew Blake (1990) *Splooge on the foot of a model wearing expensive high heels in one of those new age architectured Malibu beach mansions captured by an expensive perfume high-art pretentious photographer while a Pure Moods cd plays on a thousand dollar plus stereo system.* 2 1/2 stars

----- Black History Month -- Genre Crossover Bad Movie ------------

Cinematic Titanic presents "East Meets Watts" *"Fact: drugs IS comin' into the ghett-toe." but so IS "Rock 'em sock 'em mofos." And "You can tell by the clothes that they're wearing, that it's a fine line between Kung Fu & Disco."* 3 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

-----------------------

The Prisoner: Many Happy Returns *Number 6 becomes The Omega Man, Castaway, Bourne, The Fugitive, Top Gun, and then Total Recall'd.* 3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Waking Life" (2001) *"Let's have a *in quotes* Holy Moment."* either close to 2 1/2 stars if you're open to interesting thinking about life or 1 star if you're annoyed by pretentious people talking out of their ass about philosophy...

Bob and Margaret: Love's Labours Lost *Bob pines over his snotty secretary.* close to 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Soapy Sanderson *"Singing your own song," even if it's a murder ballad.* 3 stars

Fargo: A Muddy Road *Orthodox spiders.* 3 stars

X Files: Lazarus *Scully's old flame is shot and smolders out, at the same time as his Clyde Barrow type suspect suffers the same fate. The suspect's spirit snakes into Scully's flame's body and goes on the hunt for his Bonnie.* close to 3 stars

"The Taking Of Deborah Logan" (2014) *The Exorcism of Martha Stewart. Wow, a found footage flick with mostly sympathetic characters, an actual story, creepy scares, and somewhat decent editing.*  close to 3 stars minus 1/2 a star for the vomit vision shaking cam finale. I don't know why this generation has such a hard-on for found footage. It doesn't make fiction more realistic, it just makes it more painful to try to watch.

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital": season 1 episode 8 *We didn't start the fire.* 3 stars

"Inferno" a film by Dario Argento (1980) *Like a cat on hot bricks.* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: Night of the Scorpion *Caper in the Caribbean.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "R.O.T.O.R." *Imagine Alex Murphy replaced by Jeff Foxworthy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Thundarr the Barbarian: City of Evil *Civilization ends in 1994, and a world of sci fi and fantasy emerges. So, it's like Mike Judge meets Jack Kirby.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voice Of Reason *A paranoid paranormal conspiracy theorist gets a closed door intelligence session with govt officials, where he shows off alien events from the first season of the new outer limits.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Eat My Muffin *Luke Skywalker as "Divine" Rod.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible -------------------

2 Minute Slaughterhouse Rock: "Death ain't shit. Impress me." - 2 1/2 stars

3 Minute Mankillers: "Ladies, and I use that term loosely." Acting, and I use that term loosely. - 3 stars

Pregnant Men!: "I rolled over and went back to sleep." - 3 stars

Out of the Wild: Teddy bears and Werner Herzog. - close to 3 stars

Ninja Magic Dragon Kid!: "Do you know Don 'The Dragon' Wilson?" Well, he's barely in this, but there's this 12 year old who does karate... - 3 stars

-----------------------

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 1 *Bono for breakfast. Judd Apatow, Bob Odenkirk, and others help make this one of the best, and sadly forgotten, sketch shows of all time.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month -- Social Justice zombie classic with commentary ----

Rifftrax presents George Romero's original "Night of the Living Dead" *Apocalypse and Arby's.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

---------------------

American Gothic: Meet the Beetles *Sheriff Buck versus Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Here's Looking At You, Kid *Vanishing act with top secret space age equipment. Vanishing act, when it comes time to meet the girlfriend's parents.* close to 3 stars

 ---- Black History Month --- Social Satire movie ---

"CSA - The Confederate States of America" *Slavery, for an economically strong and stable society.* either zero stars or 3 stars

 ----------

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Show Stoppers" *Cooped up rage.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Curtain Call" *This series whimpers to a close like a sad gypsy's fart or a tired hobo's bugle.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Forever Knight: Dark Knight part 1 & 2 *Highlander meets the dawn of Seattle grunge meets Kolchak, the Night Stalker meets MTV's The Maxx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone *"Dying for dollars." A death defying Houdini act where death isn't actually defied.* 3 stars

"Bad Girls" (1994) *Casserole western. At least Geena Davis isn't the lead.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible ----

Camel Club Network: Joe Camel in tha nightclub. - 3 stars

You're A Hypocrite!: Grumpy theology getting off point and no fun. - 1 star

Watch the Jello Wiggle!: Thirty somethings determine the Teen Set. - 3 stars

Y'Know: No, I don't know, evangelical and or motivational white lady. - 2 1/2 stars

Truth or Dare: A deadly game for unstable yuppies.* 3 stars

--------

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Sorcerer's Apprentice *Canadian junior high kids go "goth" over a Babylonian snake god.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Prejudice Philosophy flick ---

Sam Fuller's "White Dog" (1982) *"Cure or kill the sickness."* either zero or 3 stars

---------

Morton Downey Jr.: Communism *Loudmouths, intelligence agents, government (U.S. & the U.S.S.R.) sponsored military groups in 3rd world hot-spots, and last of all "TRAITORS!"* 1 star

12:01 Beyond: Illegal Aliens ---------

*A man and his dog, living alone in the desert, are abducted by a ufo. that or the dog is an alien or becomes an alien?* close to 3 stars

*VHS quality trailer for the new War of the Worlds (not Spielberg / Cruise).* 3 stars

*TV rip promo for CBS showing of Sigourney Weaver in ALIENS.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo rambles about ancient alien conspiracy theories while an alien fires a electricity blaster behind him.* 3 stars

*Famous Studios' Superman in "Showdown": Superman framed with impostor.* 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for the movie Hangar 18.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for "Magic" 92 FM radio "The Superstar Space Cruiser" of radio stations playing classic rock albums.* 3 stars

*'The Tony Tomato Show' presents Heil Hipster performing in a Weezer 'Buddy Holly' esque music video.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for "Moon Trap." Killer lunar robots and Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for an 1980s NYC Manhattan comic convention featuring a lot of classic Sci-Fi alien comic books.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - Citizen Ninja: No rest for the Ninja. Not even a playground picnic.* close to 3 stars

*TV / VHS quality neon lazer graphics advertisement for Rochester's 95FM BBF.* 3 stars

*TV/VHS quality rip for an old 80s DR. Pepper commercial where a cowboy walks into a space bar cantina filled with alien puppetry creatures and orders a tall one. That is a Dr. Pepper.* 3 stars

*The "Saint of Insomniacs" Mr. Lobo sits by a Tesla type machine and greets a scary looking alien creature who is into probing.* 3 stars

*(feature movie) Cannon films presents - "Alien Contamination": Explosive xenomorph eggs, and a cyclops tentacle creature, in an exploitation flick.* 2 1/2 stars

*Vintage UHF tv advertisement for channel 6 XETV promoting 5, count 'em 5, classic episodes of the original Star Trek tv series.* 3 stars

*Vintage Fox tv affiliate WPGH channel 53 and its promotion of Alien Nation, the series' upcoming episode.* 3 star

*Vintage tv commercial for the OMNI sci fi "fact and fiction" magazine.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost in The Laughing Skull: Heavy water has leaks.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo may have been probed and payed 20 dollars for it.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer for the flying frisbee alien leeches flick "It Came Without Warning."* 3 stars

*TV/VHS rip quality commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper featuring a Will Forte look alike living in a Raising Arizona / Joe Bob Briggs style trailer park with his sweetie and having a close encounter.* close to 3 stars

*Zolar X - Timeless (music video): The Ramones meets Mork & Mindy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Thumb Snatchers from the Moon Coccoon: Stop motion short about opposable thumb hatin' robot aliens and a Texas cow munching cowboy sheriff squaring off.* close to 3 stars

------------------

Cinematic Titanic: The Alien Factor *"Pissing Skittles."* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Everything is Terrible ----

*The Stinger: Pontiac feels that modern car concepts should be "wacky," "funky,"  filled with useless gadgets, and cost 2 million dollars to create.* close to 3 stars

*The Old New Age!: Puffy clouds and PBS philosophy / aesthetics / tunes.* 3 stars

*That Doll Looks Like Your Daughter!: Wholesome, loving, lifeless, and that uncanny valley...* 3 stars

*Reppies Agenda Revealed: Let's make a rainbow and do the electric slide, all for the glory of our New World Order overlords.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bully Bustin': "Sometimes, you gotta smack somebody."* 3 stars

-----------

USA Up All Night with host Rhonda Shear presents "Porky's 2" ----

*Win a piece of Rhonda's horrible (looks fingerpainted) artwork. Ha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda laments the flow of her particular pink piece of artwork.* close to 3 stars

*An operatic Korbel champagne commercial showing picturesque American life. yeah, maybe if you're drunk on Korbel.* 2 stars

*Turtle Wax magic and science to help shine your convertible using "science and magic." Available at K-Mart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hurry to Sears for a 3 day paint sale.* 2 stars

*1 800 Collect will help you save on collect calls and it somehow helps a generic fake Yankee baseball player rob a homerun "Whatta save!"* close to 2 1/2 stars

*"Before Arnold, before Stallone, there was Skywalker." USA is showing the original Star Wars 8 / 7 central.* 3 stars

*Rhonda daydreams about 1950s romantic lifestyles and compares it to the 90s where she can't get a date, because all the guys are on dates with each other. Then, she reads fan mail about how much sexual energy she puts into her paintings, then she gives that painting away to said horny fan.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fun of male pushups in Porky's 2 as being "safe sex" and she shows off a horribly drawn portrait of her house with dog poop on the lawn.* 3 stars

*Rhonda cools off with a Snapple in a cheaply produced Snapple promo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bluesy 90s slickly produced Greyhound bus travel commercial. I've taken a Greyhound bus trip. It's nowhere near this glamorous. It stinks, actually.* 2 1/2 stars

*The host of MTV Sports (whose name escapes me) is with Arnold in a Burger King BK TeeVee advertisement for the Summer of 93's biggest blockbuster "Last Action Hero."* close to 3 stars

*While a mom does some home repair, a toddler has a horrible gasoline accident and is shown in the hospital burn unit covered in bandages in one of those awful scary as shit PSA announcements from back in the day.* 3 stars

*GNC the authority on getting musclehead gym rats hooked on supplement taking pill addictions.* 2 star

*"Ever been curious about Hollywood girls?" Well, these babes dance luridly on the hosed down concrete floor of a large suburban downtown flat while dressed in leather and 60s biker hats in this phone sex 1 900 950 WILD commercial.* 3 stars

*Next is yet another phone sex commercial with girls looking straight out of Beverly Hills 90210. Wowza.* 3 stars

*Rhonda shows a classic "cut scene" from the Wizard of Oz "Suck my wand!" that just happens to have made it into Porky's 2. And Rhonda reads another fan letter in it which she continues to win over the hearts and views of fans for her offbeat sense of humor.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fishy faces with her self portrait.* close to 3 stars

*Then a hypnotic bumper with Rhonda twirling against a starlit background while wearing a one piece swimsuit / aerobics outfits. Wowza.* 3 stars

*never park your car without the CLUB anti-auto-theft device, especially if you live in a Texas Mexico bordertown. Ha. Whatever happened to those? I guess thieves figured out a way around the device.* 2 1/2 stars

*Beautiful, portrait pretty mornings begin at 8, that is Super 8 motel, and that is also if you're a yuppie business man driving around the backcountry (what business is there out there?) with a cup of steaming hot coffee on top of your Ford Taurus rental car.* 2 1/2 stars

*Murphy Brown is smart, right? I mean... she does have her own witty tv sitcom... and she is spokeswomanperson for SPRINT long distance in this big budget commercial with 90s quirky aesthetics featuring the tops of bald mens' heads with cartoon floating graphics and a thinktank lab with a huge brain in a robotic device... huh?* 2 1/2 stars

*"What could be worse than the cost of a yeast infection? How about the cost of curing it?" Femcare for the cheap lady with downstairs troubles. Wow, did women really skip feminine healthcare because of high cost? Glad I was too young to experience the joys of a woman back then.* 2 1/2 stars for weirdness

*A leading zooologist explains the difference between sparkling polar bears (ones who ice skate in a skirt) and sparkling rootbeer cream soda A & W rootbeer.* 3 stars

*After a terrorist strikes... Silk Stalkings on USA.* close to 3 stars

*Sean Connery is a space cowboy... high noon in outerspace... Outland on USA.* 3 stars

*Rhonda's factoid of the week: close to 3 million gallons of oil produced in America, almost enough to style Jerry Lewis's hair.* 2 stars

*No touch tire care in a can really frustrates blue collar motorheads.* 2 stars

*"There's nothing worse than a foul smelling pair of shoes?" Wait, what about yeast infections? Odor Eaters knocks the skunk right out (literally) of a pair of old men's dress shoes.* 3 stars

*Tri Star pictures presents Weekend at Bernies 2, starting July 9th, 1993.* 3 stars

*"Even the best need attention, know what I mean?" So says a blonde skank on a cheap looking phone sex advertisement.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sluts "love sharing secrets" on another phone sex ad. Now, they just share selfies and butt in mirror photos on twitter / instagram and it doesn't cost 3 dollars a minute.* 2 1/2 stars

*Patty and her orangutan pal Roger try little Caesar's pizza and spaghetti.* 3 stars

*Tough actin' Tinactin for CGI fungal fires on the feet of jocks.* 2 stars

*"America's hot new number, 1 800 Collect." they've even replaced the Hollywood sign with a 1 800 Collect Sign. Boy, will they feel dumb, when they realize no one uses collect calls anymore. Everyone has a wireless plan. Dumb, 1993, get with the times, already.* 2 stars

*Rhonda gives away a foot sculpture to a female fan wanting it for her husband's office. I guess her husband, Al, has a foot fetish.* 2 stars

*Live & Loud Ozzy's new album straight from his 92 tour available at Record Town and Tape World.* 2 1/2 stars

*30 something moms in party cowboy hats use Suave miracle anti-perspirant to survive their rowdy munchkin kids' birthday parties.* 2 1/2 stars

*Nintendo's Kirby comes from Dreamland to the real world to prove that he's "One Tough Cream Puff" in an awesomely animated into live action commercial.* 3 stars

*"It's never too late for an intimate phone adventure." So, dude, bro, pick up your oversized cordless house phone with the extra long antenna and dial up some horny chicks for only 3 bucks a minute, man.* 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out with her Bart Simpson doll and shows off her "Bart art".* 3 stars

*Models, on a beach, have lips that need protection from the sun's harsh rays. So, they use Blistex. But, they probably should get out of the sun, because they all look so dark that they probably have skin cancer already.* 2 stars

*"Continuous Action Formula!" soft & dri super solid lady deoderant will have the fellas fawning over any high class city chick.* 3 stars

*A sign language lady uses conceal and heal wart remover.* 2 1/2 stars

*"If you use gasoline the wrong way, your dreams will go up and smoke." Your kids will die as it's put in another scary gasoline fire PSA. Was there this huge problem with misuse of gasoline back in the 80s and 90s? Sheesh!* 3 STARS

*A soft saxophone, a tropical window scene with flowing curtains in the wind, and a creepy narrator on camera, in a white tuxedo, let's us know about Eve and her need to forget, which she can't do, on EDEN coming to USA....* close to 3 stars

*Rhonda is sad to say that Robert DeNiro isn't in Porky's.* 2 stars

*Rhonda really doesn't like Porky's 2 and recommends that if you wanna watch Porky's 3, then rent Porky's 1 and change the number.* 2 1/2 stars

*And finally to get to the actual film presentation... for this chopped and censored to the point of little coherency comedy...* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------

Son of the Beach: Miso Honei *Pink beam at Point Break.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Inter-racial Adult Art Film --

Dark Bros. presents "Black Throat" *A dumbass honky, a new-wave negro pimp, and a trash-talkin' plastic rat go on the hunt for an expert fellatio hoe named "Madame Mambo."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

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From Dusk Till Dawn: Blood Runs Thick *The original was a good movie, but it could have used a 14 year old girl's i-phone conversation with her boyfriend, an unintentionally funny fist fight between the Gecko brothers, rice-milk refreshment breaks, and cute pink bunny accessories to remind one of just how sweet having a daughter can be... oh, also Fez, from That 70s Show, dressed up like Kool Moe D in Wild Wild West.* 2 stars

Kung Fu: An Eye For An Eye *A woman's right to choose death. Honestly, however, a thoughtful commentary on revenge.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: What Happened.... *Swing low, sweet chariot.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible -----

*Aerobic Self Defense: Don't be a victim, attack from the rear.* 3 stars

*Time to get it on, T. Bone: Sidney Party Yeah Uh... or however you spell and pronounce Sidney Pottier.* close to 3 stars

*Tax Day!: I'm not sayin' that we should be anarchists, I'm just sayin' we should commit anarchy.* 3 stars

*Oldies vs. Hippies!: The early bird gets stoned.* close to 3 stars

*Mark of the beast: Government is evil, ignore the patriotic background music. Worldly goods are fleeting, seek salvation, and send us your money.* 3 stars

---------

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills *Chewin' the scenery with Lassie.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

--- Black History Month -- Black Cowboy Cinema ---

Fred Williamson in "Joshua" (1976) *Who is Joshua? to quote Joshua, "I'm my mother's son." Some bandits make the mistake of shooting his mama, in the back, before Joshua can reunite with her after the Civil War.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------

William Friedkin's "Sorcerer" (1977) *No futuro without risk.* 3 stars

"Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992) *Close the deal, you expletive-expletive-expletive...* 3 stars

X Files: Young At Heart *The curious case of Spooky Mulder.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 episode 2 *20 so years later, and Nick Kroll has almost the exact same show.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Learn to Fly: self levitate the expert way.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Hunks Hunks Hunks!: "Smell the protein in this room."* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

*Here's How!: to be a show off.* 2 stars

*Greatest Song Ever Sung: Kathie Lee cares about the kids of genocide. Well, just kids in general, they sure are cute. Fuck adults in need, they're not as cute. Jesus was a kid too ya know. He was cute, too. "Like one of us," as a kid, but way cuter.*  either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

*4 Minute - The Alien Agenda - Endangered Species: Vote for Pedro for president of the X Files fan club.* 3 stars

----------

Viper: Ghosts *Reformed criminals, the paralyzed, holograms, and future cars -more than meets the eye.*  between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"John Wick" (2014) *"Everything has a price," but good action / fight choreography and a dead wife's puppy are priceless.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Coquilles *About as much fun as a tumor.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Dead" *Satisfaction.* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 episode 3 *Ship without a captain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad *"There goes a stupid, stupid man." Fake Sinbad, the father of modern socialism.* close to 2 stars with riffing between 1/2 and 1 star without

Rinse Dream presents "Cafe Flesh" (1982) *"A tableau of desire in decline." The perfect mindfuck Dear John paranoid love letter from the dawn of the AIDS-HIV era to the end of the 'Free Love' era.* 3 stars

True Detective: Who Goes There? *She done gone. Tyrone. Drugged out, deep cover.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Reality TV No Survivors *"They fall in love in a hot tub, just like us."* 3 stars

Channel 4 in the U.K. presents Ban This Filth: episode 1 *Prudish, old ladies -the purveyors and "haters" (a term that I despise) of perverted behavior.* close to 3 stars

David Fincher's "Gone Girl" (2014) *An ode to the psychotic climate of hysteria caused by media jackals like Nancy Grace.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 3 *To boldly go where Bruce Springsteen has never gone before.* 2 1/2 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 3 *"Seems like everyone here is from someplace else."* close to 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Hunt *A rolling stone gathers some moss.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Johnny Dangerously" *An exciting age of criminality.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Dana Carvey Is Rolling Over In His Grave: Have mercy, Church Lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Creep Scientist Fantasy Karaoke: "It's nice to remember." Just don't make it weird.* close to 3 stars

*Cookin' Up Profits!: Elderly ladies are pie baking and financial experts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Christian Puppets Are Selfish: Share everything, including yourself, with stuffed animal puppets of the faith.* 2 1/2 stars

*BEV!: "She'll kill us." during our middle aged lady step aerobic workout.* 3 stars

---------

Thundarr the Barbarian: Last Train To Doomsday *Can't keep a Gemini wizard under wraps. Plus, 1960s Marvel comic books become an instructional handbook for sorcery weirdos of the post-apocalypse.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Party High USA *School curriculum for those willing to stay stupid or hoping to become scumbags.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Dream Thieves *In an age where people trade their dreams for dreams, Swamp Thing's Arcane is also an old friend / rival of Edison Carter.* 3 stars

"A Scanner Darkly" (2006) *We're all trying to escape, and we're all unknowingly being observed while trying. That's when we're unwittingly put to uses.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick--- (1996)

*Fashion VIctims - Lowering High Fashion Standards: Getting heavy with emaciated models.*  close to 2 1/2 stars for the topic's performance 3 stars for Timothy Stack's jokes

*Secret Lives... Exposing Ourselves: Hot For Teacher - A teacher moonlights as a porn star. "Say it loud, I'm practically black and I'm proud." - A light skinned  black man is shocked to discover that he's half black and not Italian. The Perfect Mom & Dad turn out to be Dad & Mom* close to 3 stars

-------

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Jax, Sonya, and Kano *TEST YOUR MIGHT at the Ace Chemicals / Skynet factory.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Safe Sex  ----

*A picky dweeb's Satanic attraction and death by wet dream.* 3 stars

*An outcast chick's obsession with Freddy goes too far.* 3 stars

------

American Horror Story: Murder House "Smoldering Children" *Familial putridity.* close to 3 stars

X Files: E.B.E. *Piss up an Idian rope trick. There's an 18 wheeler causing alien confusion as it travels a shadowy path across America.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Mistress *Harbingers, whore offerings, and head-shrinking.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Banshee: season 1 episode 1 *A raccoon running from a rabbit. A -just out of prison- thief steals the identity of a deceased new sheriff to a Walking Tall type backwoods corrupt town.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Sacred Taking" *Thrill rides, terminal goodbyes, two way roads, and tingles of the cooch.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Another Woman's Lipstick *Girl in guy drag and a David Lynch inspired striptease.* 3 stars

---- Valentine's Three Way Movie Feature ---

John Cassavetes in "Incubus" (1982) *Try a little tenderness. Try a little cursed bestiality.* 3 stars

Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" (1992) *Torrid 90s trash revisited.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

Michael Ninn's "Fade to Blue" *Get 'yer kicks on Route 66. It's a stylized xxx religious experience.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------

Werner Herzog's "Lessons of Darkness" (1992) *Scorched earth war disgrace, the Book of Revelation, and fossil fuel drudgery, danger, madness -all from an alien perspective.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" (mini-series) *Born in sin, the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore, come on in.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Fargo: Eating the Blame *Greenbacks, grasshoppers, gospel, and the gristle of a riddle.* 3 stars

"Winter People" (1988) *Milk, honey, and time a flowin.' Kurt Russell plays against type as a gentle clockmaker / Ichabod Crane type in a Hatfields & McCoys style hillbilly period piece.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Legacy of Blood *"Tijuana snuff films are more wholesome."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars with riffing close to 2 stars without riffing

Son of the Beach: South of Her Border *Labia & Johnson. Erik Estrada & Marsha Brady.* close to 3 stars (despite all the stale bean fart jokes, it manages to be funny)

Northern Exposure: Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens *"Wine 'em, dine 'em, stick 'em with the tab." ... or leave 'em standing in the rain at the 18th hole... or leave 'em standing at the altar singing showtunes.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible ----

Freedom Song: Show us yer tits fer freedom.* 3 stars

Fiddlin' With My...: Would you rather be in Branson with Shoji or would you rather be a mule?* 3 stars

Dreaming of Foxy Boxing: That cloud looks like a cat fight.* close to 3 stars

Dinner With The Abortionists!: "Ask your wife." quoting a slimeball abortion performing doctor.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Lottery Guru!: Hint, hint, you'll never win the lottery. Hint, hint, invest in firearms.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

------

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick ---

Illegal Aliens Star Search: Immigrant talent show for the prize of a green card.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars (3 plus stars for the Phil Hartman cameo)

Hooked on Hookers: Sexy Social Outrage.* close to 3 stars

------

Crossballs, the debate show: American Driving, Carmageddon *Defensive drivers on the defensive against aggressive comedians.* 3 stars

"Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" (1991) *"Come on and take a free ride." - John the Baptist $T.M.$ If they make this movie for the millenial generation, it will be called 'Rob Dyrdek and the Starbucks Person,' and it will pack a limp wristed punch.* 2 1/2 stars

Hill Street Blues: Your Kind, My Kind, Humankind *Being true to one's self and the team.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: Them *A deathdream last episode and now this episode has an exhaustion zombie fight, a pack of wild dogs, worm eating & dog eating, mysterious note and a gift of water at the point of dehydration, a backroad tornado out of nowhere, solace in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and a zombie siege on the shack that seemed to spell the end of everyone in the group (which turns out to be a dream? or did they all just die?). This second half of the season is taking a turn into surreal southern gothic.* 3 stars

"In Cold Blood" (1967) *The point in modern America where we all took a dreaded detour into a conscience of indifferent malice that we've been driving on ever since.* 3 stars

"Nightcrawler" (2014) *Hollywood really wants us to sympathize with their paparazzi plight. A success driven psycho is nihilistic about bringing skid row sensationalism to the Southern California suburban news market.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 4 *Melrose changes people. Ben finds out this when Andy Dick turns into a hipster bitch on the back of a biker dyke's harley.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month --- Cultural Cliches Comedy ----

Melvin and Mario Van Peebles present "Identity Crisis" (1989) *Gianni Versace is my homeboy. Rest in peace, my gay nigga.* close to 2 stars

------

Ban This Filth: episode 2 *"I would rather live in a vast, treeless desert without filth."* 2 1/2 stars

Hippies: Hippy Dippy Hippies *"Painting the house of ideas, shit brown," like a pig would.* 3 stars

"The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" a Gerard Damiano xxx film (1980) *In the future, in the ruins of a space age commune, survivors hump, day & night, like bunny astronauts. They have this calculator connected to the future internet, and surprise the internet is mostly for sex, where they can dial up and beam up "satisfiers" to fulfill their every sexual need. But is it enough?* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Through The Looking Glass *3, 5, prime. Red, yellow, blue. Dizzy, loud, and funny too.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: The Rescue *"I wouldn't want to fight a dragon that I could see, let alone an invisible dragon." Yeah, that's right, an invisible dragon.* 3 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks *"It's like Clint Howard and Gentle Ben had a kid, and he's choking me!" It's also like Eegah! meets The Sinful Dwarf.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

American Horror Story: Asylum "Spilt Milk" *Nursing a grudge.* close to 3 stars

"The Babysitter's Club Video #1 Mary Anne and the Brunettes" (1990) *Scholastic and craptastic. Mommy / gossip / relationship training for young chicks who can't even get their darn ears pierced. Weird to see so many kids and zero adults in this Charlie Brown / Children of the Corn town.* 1 star

Jr. Christian Science Vol. 1 *One of Tim & Eric's weirdo friends hosts an early 90s public access educational children's show. A chore to sit through, but almost worth it for the moments where he loses his cool when the production doesn't go exactly his way, and it features some of the most awkward singing and puppetry ever combined.* 1 star

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Johnny Cage *True Hollywood story, death of the action star.* 2 1/2 stars

"Constantine" (2005) *Keanu Reeves as a wanker. Shy LePoof as a hardnosed cabbie sidekick. Tilda Swinton in guy drag. Hollywood knows what comic fans want. They want their beloved characters americanized and the movie version to be filled with techno music and cgi in every single shot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Let's Get Ramblin' *Soul cleansing, soul redeeming, power in the blood.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forever Knight: for I have Sinned *and sat in judgement.* close to 3 stars

"Exorcist 2: The Heretic" (1977) *Plight of the white wing dove. Not enough mood or scares, and too much of all of the following: pseudo science astral projection / mental flashbacks, jazz tap dance, big over the top special fx, traversing the globe, and Linda Blair vanity project / poor acting. James Earl Jones, Louise Fletcher, and Richard BUrton are great, though.*  between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Hannibal: Entree *"A bunch of psychopaths helping each other out."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Head" *Proudly marching to the guillotine of perdition.* 3 stars

"Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror" (1981) *Eye-Talian style maggot-filled weapon-wielding zombies laying siege on a gothic mansion. Gore filled disembowling deaths, shot gun blasts to zombie skulls, smashing / chopping zombies / people to bits, and titty chewing. Gloriously over the top dubbing. And lastly a "child" or dwarf(?) actor that makes Bud Cort look normal.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep *Pretty woman on loan from the pawn shop.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Distance *Rick Grimes, the most justifiably paranoid man on the planet of the undead, will watch gay love, from the shadows, just to make sure someone's intentions are legit.* close to 3 stars

"Sticks and Stones" (1996) *Another of those generic mid-1990s coming of age / the dangers of handguns in a family home / absentee parents (too busy being a doctor more than a mom Kirstie Alley) / abusive white trash parents (father of the main bully) / dealing with school bullies and also brothers who are bullies too (Zack from Saved by the Bell. *barf* on both accounts) and the bullied (a young and pudgy Seth Rogen, you would think but the kid's name is Max Goldblatt along with his bully tackling overprotective daddy played by Gary Busey), complete with that wholesome Americana past-time of baseball as a connecting theme for this sentimental tripe.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 stars

--- Black History Month --- Bon Voyage Film Feature ---

"Trippin" (1996) *A young brutha and perpetual slacker, during his senior year in highschool, is constantly escaping reality into his fantasies that often feature fly booty honeys.* 2 1/2 stars

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[180abroad]

Day 153: To Vienna

Today marked the end of our brief but enjoyable stay in Eastern Europe (the merciless heat notwithstanding) and our return to the German speaking world, which we had briefly touched back in Lucerne, Switzerland. The day started out well--sleeping in and reveling in the luxury of not feeling delirious with heat and sleep deprivation. The rest of the day proved nearly as pleasant, apart from a bit of stress on the train.

We took an Uber--Prague's metro is fine, but it's a perfect city for ridesharing--and made it to the train station with plenty of time to spare. Poking around, we saw a memorial to US president Woodrow Wilson, who played a significant role in the international recognition of Czechoslovakia as an independent country after WWI. I also found much less somber collection of "mapy" maps in the station's bookstore.

We didn’t have assigned seats for the ride and knew that the train was going to be crowded, so we made sure to find a spot on the platform where there wasn’t too many other people. Usually this works out for us. As the train pulled in, however, we realized that it was going to overshoot us completely.

Jogging through an increasingly dense crowd of other people who had been overshot, I managed to squeeze into the back coach of the train. We weren’t the first ones in, but we should at least be able to find some seats together. Right?

Well, no. Unlike most other trains we’d been on, this one had it’s first-class coach at the back. So we would have to move down to the next coach before even looking for seats. I thought about getting back out and walking down the platform, but the crowd was already oozing onto the train behind me and I didn't want to risk getting shut out.

We squeezed and shuffled my way to the next coach, which–of course–was more first-class seating and the dining area. I didn’t realize it, but at this point an attendant checked Jessica’s ticket and actually forced her to go back out the door and walk down to the second-class coaches. Apparently she didn’t want us riffraff even passing through first class.

The third coach was the beginning of second class, but it was already nearly full. I thought I had hit the jackpot with two empty seats right by the door. I had taken my backpack off and begun to wave at Jessica--who had caught back up with me--when I finally noticed the tiny electronic "reserved" indicator above the seats. Moving on…

The fourth coach's seats were unreserved but full up. The train had already started at this point, and we could barely move at all because of other people pushing in both directions to try to find seats as well.

After making our way through almost the entire train–and seeing plenty of duos coming the other way from the front–we gave up and settled for separate seats. So much for watching a movie along the way.

I took the fourth seat in a quartet occupied by a family of three Asian travelers. The mother gave me a polite smile, but I was certain that I was making them at least borderline uncomfortable. The nervous sweating certainly didn't help.

After about an hour of sitting as compactly and inconspicuously as I could manage, a seat opened up closer to where Jessica was sitting--one in a section of the coach where all of the seats faced the same way. I jumped on it. About an hour after that, my new partner detrained, and Jessica joined me. So at least we got to spend the last hour of the train together.

There wasn't any time for a movie at that point, but we were able to get some planning done. I also listened to a Rick Steves podcast about Viennese café etiquette.

Cafés are just as important in Vienna as they are in Paris or Rome, if not more so. Here, you enter into a space that's like a cross between a fancy restaurant and someone's living room, find a table, and sit down. Sooner or later, an extremely well-dressed and Germanically curt host will ask you what you want. If you want an espresso, you ask for a mocha. If you want a cappuccino, you as for a melange. If you want a latte, ask for a kaffee verkehrt (which literally means "coffee [made] wrong"). If you want something special, ask for an ice coffee, which is actually coffee with ice cream in it. For something a little zestier and more adult, a Maria Theresia is an espresso with a shot of orange liqueur and a topping of whipped cream.

Anyway, once we arrived in Vienna, things got easier. It was breezy, not too hot, and the train station was easy to get out of. We called an Uber and were at our flat about fifteen minutes after stepping off the train.

Our flat in Vienna wasn't the largest we stayed in, but it was a mansion compared to our place in Prague. For starters, the bed had its own room with a door separating it from the rest of the flat. Imagine that. And even with the sofa bed out, there was actually floor space left over for walking around.

Best of all, it had fans for both of us.

As I marveled, part of me wondered what it will feel like to be back in the States, where even my fairly modest bedroom is still bigger than some of the places Jessica and I have shared in Europe.

Our apartment building was nice, with a surprisingly modern elevator. It was elegant and ornate, but also slightly shabby--albeit in a mostly charming way. Which turned out to be a fairly fitting introduction to Vienna as a whole

The historic city center was about a 40-minute walk or 15-minute bus ride away from our flat. We had thought about going into town the first night--a great choice whenever time and energy allows it--but we decided to take it easy instead. We had a very busy week in Munich ahead of us, and we were still running on dangerously low batteries after the Great Krakow-Prague Heatwave.

Instead, we took a short walk down to a train station near our flat (not the one we'd arrived at earlier) and bought tickets for our next travel days. It was an automated kiosk, so on the one hand, we didn't have to worry about embarrassing ourselves in front of a local human. On the other hand, we didn't have a local human on hand to explain how the system worked. We figured it out quickly enough, though, and ended up buying tickets for the next two legs of our trip, which would take us to Munich. We actually could have booked our tickets within Germany too, but we wanted to do a bit more research first.

We walked back to our flat and picked up some groceries at the Billa literally right across the street from us. (Billa is an Austrian supermarket chain that we'd first run into in Prague.) Vienna is definitely a beer city and not a cider city. But luckily for me and Jessica, it is also a wine city. Apparently, it has the largest acreage of urban vineyards anywhere in Europe.

I grabbed a bottle of Grüner Veltliner–the main varietal grown in Austria. Neither of us had tried one before, but I had been curious about it for a long time. It turned out to be really good. It’s a light white wine, and ours had flavors of citrus and tart green apples.

Sipping Austrian wine in Vienna on a warm summer evening. How cool is that? After five months on the road, I sometimes needed to force myself to step back and appreciate just how amazing this trip really is.

After dinner, Jessica gave her brother Nic a call to wish him happy birthday. We would be meeting him in Amsterdam in less than a month. Which means that we would be heading home in just over a month. It was one thing to be halfway through the trip, or two-thirds through it. But to be five-sixths through was crazy. When we started, I didn’t know if I could do six months. Now, I wished I could keep doing this for another six months. Or at least three…

At the very least, I wouldn’t mind getting to sleep in my own bed and eating real California Mexican food. So there’s that. Oh yeah, and my friends and family. Them too, I guess.

Next Post: Vienna (The Habsburg Hustle)

Last Post: Prague Castle (and the Window that Sparked a War)

[aghostpost]

Heatwave Pt. 2 (Frank Castle x Reader)

A/N: Okay here’s part two (part one if you missed it)! Just so there’s no confusion this was only made to be a two part story so please don’t expect/look for a third part or more! Enjoy! ♥

Warning(s): NSFW, language

Word Count: 4088

What a rollercoaster of a visit this was. From arguing with me and my ex to fixing my air conditioner to now showering together. And let’s be real, showering was all we were doing since the space reduced to a quarter its size the moment he stepped in with me. Not to mention shower sex was impractical, uncomfortable as hell, and only happened in movies with the help of some Hollywood magic.

We started from the top and worked our way down, pouring shampoo in his hand. He ducked his head under the stream to wet it and worked a lather into what was now a grown out haircut. He was military, that much was painfully obvious, and when we first met his hair was low to the scalp. Now it had grown a few inches to a pile of short, dark curls. Meanwhile I took my time washing his back, my eyes on every soapy peak and valley of his muscles; if possible I’d do this forever. He turned around to tilt his head back and rinse, so I washed his chest but found it impossible to navigate around the mess of bruises. I didn’t know which were still fresh and tender, which ones didn’t hurt so much anymore. After running his hands through his now suds-free hair he stared at me, noticing my aversion, and took the cloth and soap from me to wash himself. He had less regards for his wounds than I did, washing without a wince as if he was in perfect condition and there wasn’t a wine-colored stain in sight.

It was my turn now. I stood in front of him so he wouldn’t block the shower spray and to also makes thing a bit easier for myself. I was doing a good job at keeping my eyes above the belt but I could only fight this internal struggle for so much longer. I felt a rough hand sweep across the back of my neck, brushing my hair towards my front and out of the way. It was the first time he touched me so softly, I couldn’t help but notice. A touch like that I would have remembered.

The time to battle with temptation was cut down to a third, and I wasn’t winning.

He poured some of my bodywash in the cloth and put it to my back. My eyes closed and I just basked in the moment, not remembering the last time I was touched this way. “I overstepped,” his voice seemingly boomed over the calm sound of the water, snapping me out of my reverie. “You’re right, it was none’a my business. I had no right stickin’ my nose in it.”  He took the cloth over my right shoulder and massaged the soap into my skin in circles, his hand firm and applying just the right amount of pressure. “... You gonna say somethin’ to me?”

After one final rinse of my face I was ready to get out. “You need to condition.”

“What?”

I turned around, rinsing my back and handing him my bottle of conditioner. “You shampoo then you condition, unless you want dry hair.” I stepped out and grabbed my robe, leaving the towel I planned to wrap around my head folded by the sink for Frank. Walking to my bedroom I already noticed a difference in the temperature of the apartment, fucking thankfully. I went to the living room to close windows but Frank seemed to have taken care of it already, leaving the fan turned off and on the floor by its respective outlet. I cracked open the door to Landon’s room so it could cool off and noticed this window hadn’t been touched. He hadn’t bothered my son’s space out of respect. I looked around the room and felt myself smile at the drawings and toys strewn about. Never have I felt my heart swell with so much love for anyone, not even Jason. No, the love for my son was something else entirely.

After closing his window I headed back to my room, grabbing my brush before my hair could dry a tangled mess. I watched myself in the mirror, examined every crease and pore in my face. I looked stressed. The only thing I wanted right now was a plate of ribs, maybe two more beers and a nap. That sounded heavenly. The shower stopped running and when I looked to my left I caught Frank walking towards me with his clothes in his hands, towel wrapped around his waist.

“You hungry?”

He shrugged. “I could eat…”

After taking his clothes from him I went to toss them in the washer for a quick clean, since I didn’t tell him to shower just to throw on dirty clothes. And I didn’t have ribs, but there was some chicken I had marinating for me and Landon to have tonight. I got it into the oven and took out a bag of frozen green beans before heading back to my room, where Frank was staring out of the window.

“You givin’ someone a show?”

“Didn’t know you smoked.” He looked pointedly at the pack of cigarettes sitting on the windowsill and the small flower pot full of butts and ashes. There was an orange marigold in there at one point but it died many moons ago.

I shrugged. “Every now and then. I like to go out on the fire escape, clear my head at night.” He looked back out the window, cocking his head to one side. “You concerned about my health now?”

“Just makin’ observations. Gettin’ to know you and all, hm?”

I moved to stand behind him, wondering what he could possibly be looking at. I didn’t have much of a view from here unless I was out on the fire escape, so I couldn’t imagine what was keeping his interest. “What’re you looking at?”

“Not lookin’, listenin’.”

I understood that. I loved listening to the sounds of the city; the horns blaring and sirens passing by, music blasting in passing cars. Hell, even my neighbors arguing just to have makeup sex right after was a treat. My hand found its way to his hair as I successfully redirected his attention. “What do you hear?”

“S’at you tryna see if I, uhhh... conditioned?”

At that I cracked a grin. “Shut up,” I mumbled, fingering his hair for a moment more before dropping my arm, walking back to my dresser for a pair of underwear. I caught my face in the mirror again. I needed a reason to get pretty, to dress up and throw on more than just chapstick and mascara. It seemed like outta nowhere I was too busy with Landon, work, and the rise in temperature to fix myself up; too worried the heat would just melt off any makeup I wore. “How do I look, Frank?”

“Now Y/N, usually when a woman asks that it’s never a simple good or bad, fine, pretty… That’s a very loaded question.” He scratched the back of his head and turned from the window to look at me. “You want a certain answer in particular?”

“Just an honest one. If it’s one thing I know you can do it’s honesty.”

He folded his arms and leaned against the window frame, eyeing me up and down. “Fatigued.”

“Fatigued,” I repeated.

“Like you need a vacation.”

My brows shot up in agreeance, shocked at how spot on he was. “A vacation… Time away from Hell’s Kitchen? Sounds about right.”

“Where would you go?”

I sighed, sitting at the foot of my bed. “Someplace quiet. Not too hot, not too cold, no hustle and bustle of the city. I wanna smell fresh air; look up and see stars at night, not apartment buildings and smog.”

“Yeah? You know, sometimes I have dreams too,” he replied with half a smug grin.

“Such an asshole-”

“-Hey, you wanted honesty, didn’t you?”

“You shooting me down isn’t honest, it’s you being a wiseass.”

He sat on my windowsill and extended his legs before him, crossing them at the ankles and leaning back against the glass. We stared at each other silently before I looked away to focus on keeping my breathing even. “So… Is honesty the only thing I can do?”

“I said it’s one thing that I know for certain.”

“Hm,” he said with a nod to himself. “You sure about that?”

“Well, apparently you can fix an air conditioner.” I gave him a quick lookover. “Is there a specific compliment you’re fishin’ for?”

“No.”

Back to staring in silence. He was very comfortable looking at me without saying a word for what seemed like hours. I on the other hand couldn’t stand being under his steel gaze. The silence wasn’t the issue, but looking at him and feeling him burn a hole through me? My thighs clenched. I cleared my throat. “You mind if I get dressed?” I rose and said no more, hoping he caught my drift. I was in a weird space right now with Frank. My upset from earlier was now only a lingering memory, overshadowed by my attraction to him in this very moment. Him, wrapped in a towel, half naked, dripping fresh from the shower, hair a mess, muscles and all. But I couldn’t let him get off easy, even if it meant a little sexual pain and suffering for myself. He stood and walked pass me as I dug for a pair of shorts in the dresser. I heard my bedroom door close and turned to my left, seeing him leaning against the doorframe.

“I don’t mind at all. Get dressed. Let’s see how far you get,” he challenged. That being said I knew I wouldn’t get far. The moment my hands went to the belt of my robe he pushed himself off the wall, but I shook my head and dissuaded him from making any further advances.

“You think I should have sex with you, Frank?”

“Is there something else you’d rather be doing right now, Y/N?”

“Yes, getting dressed. Enjoying cool air before that shitty AC breaks again. Lying down since, as you pointed out, I’m so fatigued.”

“Right.” My words fell on deaf ears. I knew I failed to convince him sex wasn’t an option because with Frank it was always an option; he was a hard man to say no to. He came to me and untied my robe, black eyes on mine. “You’re not very good at fighting this side of you.”

“Fuck you,” I shot back with very little bite, his close proximity making me nervous. I was pathetic and he probably knew it as an arrogant smile broke his lips. I was prepared to knock that arrogance down a peg by embracing some of my own.

Or at least faking it ‘til I made it.

I grabbed the tucked in edges of the towel wrapped around his waist, looking him in the face. He didn’t take my robe off but simply left it open and rested his hands on my waist. “I did use that conditioner shit, if you were wondering,” he admitted.

“I appreciate your candor,” I replied coolly, my eyes not breaking from his. “Can I offer my moment of truth now?”

“Don’t see why not.”

“... I hit you earlier.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I was there. I remember it.”

“I should apologize, don’t you think?”

“I think you should never apologize if it isn’t genuine.”

“You wanna know what I think?” I pulled at the towel until it fell to the floor. He didn’t respond, but I knew I had his attention. “I think you liked it, Frank.”

“S’at right?” He spoke just loud enough for me to make out the words, stepping closer to me and challenging the authority I’d taken here. We were standing so close I swore I could feel the hairs on his legs tickling my exposed thighs. “If I did?”

“If you did,” I spoke, my fingers itching to reach out and grab at every inch of him, “then that speaks very interesting volumes about you.”

“Does it?” He pinched the back of my robe and slowly began pulling it away from my body, the thin cotton sliding at slug-like pace down my shoulders.

“Explains all the bumps and bruises you’re covered in. A human punching bag? Maybe you’re in some kinda fight club or somethin’...”

“Maybe. Maybe I manage to piss off women all throughout the city and these are my battle scars.”

“After today I’m almost inclined to believe you.”

He smirked and looked me up and down before sighing. “You ready or what?”

“For?”

“Me to remind you of the other thing I can do for sure...” Whether I was ready or not didn’t matter since he didn’t wait for a response to tug my robe the remainder of the way off and flinging it to the corner. He held onto my waist as he turned to take a seat at the foot of my bed where his lips forcefully tangled with mine. My hands instantly flew to his freshly conditioned hair as I felt his lips burn holes wherever they landed; my lips, my jaw, my neck and shoulders. When his mouth found my breast my back arched towards him, pushing myself further into him and not wanting his tongue to ever lift from my skin. His dick was sandwiched between our bodies and I felt it begin to swell, and without a single doubt in my mind I was throbbing between my legs for him. It was funny and also incredibly annoying, how my pussy ached for Frank whether he was coming or going. It ached before sex in anticipation and it sure as hell ached after. He was vanilla through and through so he wasn’t necessarily rough with sex, but a man of his size, in body and dick, couldn’t help but naturally put an exhausting pounding on you.

A large hand crept up my neck and to my jaw before a finger slipped between my lips. His forehead pressed to mine as those obsidian eyes watched intensely as I sucked the appendage. After pushing a second finger in, his lips found the corner of mine, kissing me before moving to scrape his teeth along my collarbone. The hot air escaping him raised goosebumps on whatever stretch of skin it hit and I salivated as a result, from both pairs of lips. Without warning he removed the slicked fingers from my mouth and slide them inside of me, all the way to the bruised knuckles of his middle and index fingers. “Holy shit,” I breathed.

“Ride ‘em,” he commanded. He held his hand completely still as I worked my body up and down. I clung to him, wrapping my arms over his shoulders and burying my face in his neck. He smelled just like my shower gel; I smiled amidst the pleasure with a chuckle. “What?”

“You smell like me.”

“Is this a bad thing?”

“It’s… an odd thing.”

He smiled to himself and kissed me with an uncharacteristic sweetness. “Ride.” And ride I did. While Frank may not venture on the kinky side often, he knew more than enough about denying an orgasm. It’s like he had a sensor that went off the moment I even thought about cumming. Just as I reached the brink of climax he removed his fingers from me, returning them to my mouth. “Tastes like you too, huh?” I bit down at his arrogance and he laughed, pulling his fingers from my mouth and kissing me as he lifted me onto his now erect cock. Good thing too, I was getting bothered by it jabbing me in the gut. I sighed into his mouth as he proceeded to swallow my moans whole, his grip on my waist increasing as I eagerly bounced on him. Guess he wanted me to be as bruised as he always was, give me battle scars of my own.

And he couldn’t have been more right: this was without a doubt one thing I knew he could do. Fuck me into another plane of existence. He rolled me over onto the edge of the bed hooking my legs around his waist, driving himself deeper into me with each thrust. All ability to form words flew out the window since the most I could utter was extremely broken English and cries for anyone in the heavens to send help. I managed to pry my eyes open to stare at him; he was looking at my body like a vampire eyeing a throbbing neck vein. He wanted to sink his teeth in and drain me for every drop I was worth, but for whatever reason was exercising self control. The kinda self control you manage to develop after serving in the military with intense training. Part of me wanted him to lose control just to see the other side to Frank, but the other part, the one that took him in for his size and scarred body? That part warned me it was probably best I didn’t push him. “I’m sorry,” I managed to spit out.

“What?” he choked out between ragged breaths.

“Sss, for hitting you.” He paused, which I was somewhat grateful for because it gave me a chance to catch my breath. I looked at his confusion riddled face. “I shouldn’a done that. I crossed a- Frank!” With an eyeroll and a signature annoyed grunt he lifted me from the bed and I crashed against the wall. Quickly he resumed slamming himself into me, holding my thighs around his waist. The air conditioner hadn’t been running long enough to cool off my room, so in addition to the physical activity the beads of sweat travelling down his forehead made sense. My nails dragged across his back, surely vandalizing his body even further, but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead of complaining he hiked my legs up even higher, pushed himself deeper and harder.

“Don’t apologize again.” His voice husky and demanding, telling me and not suggesting.

No. In moments as such, rarely did Frank suggest things.

“F-Fine,” I moaned, my body working overtime to say just that one word. My hands tangled in his hair as I kissed him, tasting him and savoring the flavor. Hell, I savored every part of him that I could while I could. I fought to keep my legs tightly around him so I dropped one to the floor. He took the other and straightened it to rest on his shoulder, but at that angle and with that kind of access I instantly cried out. “Fuck!” It was entirely too much and there’d be no way in hell I would last more than two seconds. I buckled at the knees and fell, causing us both to collapse to the floor and taking the curtain rod on the nearby window with us.

“Shit,” I laughed, now on top of his chest, rapidly rising and falling as he panted.

“You pull a muscle or somethin’ there?”

“Fuck you, you were tryna split me in half.”

“And I thought I was outta shape,” he cracked with a grin.

“I can show you how outta shape I am…” I teased, sitting up and slowly starting to ride him.

He sent a sting to my ass with one powerful smack. “Show me...”

The wild origami position against the wall that hit every spot imaginable nearly killed me, but this? Cowgirl, I could manage. A position this simple gave me the sustainability I needed to deal with Frank, someone that seemed to last a fortnight. It was a welcomed change of pace for a while, but it bored me, and I knew he sensed that. He picked up on the fact I wasn’t as sexually reserved as he was. I liked sex and I liked it as hard as I could get it. From the very beginning I told him he didn’t have to be delicate. Maybe he thought he needed to hold back, him being so much bigger than me. But I wasn’t intimidated by it, which he found out very soon.

He shot up and winked before lifting me to turn my around. “On your knees.” Ah yes, the final blow. I grabbed my discarded robe and laid it down before me so my face wouldn’t touch the carpet. As soon as I was on all floors, a firm hand held the back of my neck and forced me down, my back concaving sending my ass to the ceiling. As Frank slowly pushed himself inside of me my eyes rolled back, my breathing stopped, and I believe a chunk of my soul escaped me. This was the vacation I needed. Good sex let me drift off to whatever utopian paradise I needed.

“S’at good?”

I nodded fervently. “Yes yes, it’s great. Oh fuck…”

“I can’t hear you,” he spoke as he slammed into me forcefully.

“Yes! Yes, I love it, Frank, I love it.” I mewled and cried for him on my bedroom floor for the next couple minutes, the hard, cheap carpet burning my knees as he grinded me against it. I wonder if the neighbors below could hear me howling through the floor, possibly into what was my guess their living room ceiling. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum!”

“Lemme have it,” he groaned, his pace quickening as he reached his own climax. But I learned that Frank was a visual man, and I knew the view of my back wasn’t enough to get him over the edge. And me, I wasn’t a selfish lover. So to help us both out I reached beneath me and began rubbing my clit. To the best of my ability I propped myself up on my arm and managed to look over my shoulder into those smoldering eyes, eyes that some might find frightening. To me they just showed how hungry he was for this, which was an enormous turn on. So much of a turn on that I came around his cock, clenching and tightening around him which in turn sent him stiffening and grunting. He quickly pulled himself out of me as I lay there gasping for air. I felt the splatter of something warm and sticky on my lower back, remembering we forgot to use a condom. Not my smartest moment, but everyone has slips in the heat of things.

“Stay still,” he heaved, rising from the floor. I heard him fumbling in the bathroom. When he returned, he bent down and wiped my back with a bit of toilet paper.

“What a gentleman.”

“I do my best.”

After regaining consciousness and coming back to earth I managed to sit up, every ball and joint feeling like they needed oil to work smoothly again. I managed to get up from the floor and pulled my robe back on, grabbed the panties I planned to wear and went to the bathroom myself for a post-sex pee and some clean up. “You know that chicken in the oven’s probably dryer than a bone now, right?”

“You still got beer in the fridge?”

“Uhhh yeah, maybe one or two cans.”

“Toss the chicken; I’m gonna grab a pizza  from down the street.”

“Your clothes aren’t even in the dryer yet-”

“-It’s fine. Hot as it is outside they’ll dry before I even get from in front of the buildin’...”

“Okay. Grab a twenty from the coffee table.” I knew he wouldn’t for two reasons: one, he never took money when I offered. Man of pride, has to care for woman and all the caveman shit. Two, it was the money Jason left, drug money, which he was clearly very adamantly against. As I washed my hands there was a knock on the bathroom door. I dried them on my robe before opening.

“I am sorry about earlier. Don’t think I tried to fuck you into forgivin’ me or anything like that.”

I nodded. “I know.” He pondered for a moment before turning away. “Hey, how come you can apologize but I can’t?”

He chuckled to himself, turning back to me. “Because I’m an asshole and you aren’t.” He kissed me and quickly nipped at my neck before walking towards the apartment door. “Put some clothes on or we’re in for round two when I get back.”

Yeah right. Clothes or not, we both knew round two was imminent probably the moment he walked right back through my door.

[eluu-chan]

All of them :3

dude…..SURE

ive missed out the one’s I’ve answered already

200: My crush’s name is: Dia Kurosawa

199: I was born in: 2003

197: My cellphone company is: Virgin Media

196: My eye color is: kinda a blue/green colour

195: My shoe size is: 4

194: My ring size is: uh idk

193: My height is: 5″2

192: I am allergic to: Nuts

191: My 1st car was: N/A

190: My 1st job was: N/A

188: My bed is: beautiful

187: My pet: is adorable I love her

186: My best friend: I dont like choosing a single best friend tho, like I love all of you…

185: My favorite shampoo is:  Tea Tree Head and Shoulders (Mint)

184: Xbox or ps3: I have an Xbox but I really want a ps3/

183: Piggy banks are: cool, I have like 5

182: In my pockets: uh, sweet wrappers, a tissue, and my tablet pen

181: On my calendar: ‘DO NOT FORGET ANIMATION ASSIGNMENT: APRIL 21ST”

180: Marriage is: cool :0

179: Spongebob can: uh

178: My mom: is gr8

177: The last three songs I bought were? I don’t buy songs cuz I’m poor, but the last 3 songs I downloaded were: Jingo Jungle (Sago of Tanya the Evil OP), Snow Halation, and To Be Free by Tonight Alive

175: How many cousins do you have? 7

174: Do you have any siblings? Ye

173: Are your parents divorced? Nope, but they aren’t married either soo

172: Are you taller than your mom? Almost!

171: Do you play an instrument? Nope

[ I Believe In ]

168: Luck: yes good

167: Fate: uhm idk, pretty sure it wasn’t fate for me to fall in a river

164: Heaven: I’d like to think there’s a place where people can party when they die

163: Hell: Satanism is fun so sure

162: God: idk tbh

161: Horoscopes: Sure :)

158: Gay Marriage: LOVE IS LOVE

157: War: WAR IS BAD

156: Orbs: ???

155: Magic: Pls let magic be real

[ This or That ]

153: Drunk or High: i aM 14

152: Phone or Online: Online

151: Red heads or Black haired: BOTH IS BEAUTIFUL

150: Blondes or Brunettes: BOTH IS BEAUTIFUL

149: Hot or cold: Cold

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges!! (But i do prefer apple juice over orange juice)

142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds ofc

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip Flops

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich because then i can support loads of good charities and feed my weeb addiction

137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136: Hillary or Obama: Obama

135: Burried or cremated: Buried

134: Singing or Dancing: bothe are awesome, but probably singing

133: Coach or Chanel: ???

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:???

131: Small town or Big city: Small town

130: Wal-Mart or Target: uh, whats the English equivalent?? Asda??? Lidl???

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: uh idk tbh

128: Manicure or Pedicure: uh I’ve never had either so

127: East Coast or West Coast: again i am English so

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas!! Birthday means i get older and gain more responsibility

124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: ??

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: BAD

121: George Bush: its temping to make a joke but i’ll resist

120: Gay Marriage: YES GOOD LOVE IS LOVE

119: The presidential election: orange man is bad

118: Abortion: ITS UR BODY YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT

117: MySpace: every 90′s kids emo phase

116: Reality TV: hmm, can be good

115: Parents: some parents are shitty, others are good

114: Back stabbers: pls do not do that to me because i will cry

113: Ebay: i use it to get cheap anime merch yes good

112: Facebook: i would destroy facebook for a single crisp

111: Work: RESPONSIBILITY AAAAA

110: My Neighbors: lol idek who they are

109: Gas Prices: from what I know, they’re pretty bad

108: Designer Clothes: if you can afford them, then yes good

107: College: Better than high school

106: Sports: n o p e

105: My family: eh, alright i guess

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: TWO WEEKS AGO SOMEONE HUG ME

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: today!!

100: Cried in front of someone: 13th March

99: Went to a movie theater: oh boi, probably last year sometime

98: Took a vacation: this time last year

97: Swam in a pool: this time last year

96: Changed a diaper: not since my cousins were little

95: Got my nails done: I’ve never had them done

94: Went to a wedding: when i was 8

93: Broke a bone: I’ve never broken a bone

92: Got a peircing: I don’t have any aaa

91: Broke the law: I don’t think I’ve ever broken the law?

90: Texted: hmm a day ago

[ MISC ]

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bedroom aaa

87: The last movie I saw: original Ghost in the Shell

85: The thing im not looking forward to: i’d rather not say what it is but It’s tomorrow

84: People call me: weeb. mother, elu, eli

83: The most difficult thing to do is: social interaction

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

81: My zodiac sign is: Capricorn

80: The first person i talked to today was: my buddy Ilona

79: First time you had a crush: when i saw Rize from Tokyo Ghoul

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: idk, i hide lots of things from everyone tbh

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: hmm not long ago

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be cool

74: I have/will get a job: Yea i need money to live

73: Tomorrow: is gonna be bad

72: Today: was great :0

71: Next Summer: ew heatwaves please no

70: Next Weekend: i will sleep for most of it

68: The worst sound in the world: someone screaming in pain

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: uh, my OTP

66: People that make you happy: ALL MY MUTUALS AND FOLLOWERS

65: Last time I cried: heh, like a few days ago when i was discussing some particularly sad headcanons

63: My computer is: kinda good i suppose

62: My School: is shit

61: My Car: i dont have one (yet)

60: I lose all respect for people who: at extremely homophobic, racist, or sexist

59: The movie I cried at was: i cry at everything

58: Your hair color is: a weird light auburn colour

57: TV shows you watch: a bunch of anime, oo and i watch the download festival coverage each year, and if my mum is watching some drama or soap i’ll probably watch for angst ideas

56: Favorite web site: I’m on it right now

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: umm not sure…

53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t like steak aaa

52: My room is: my safe place

51: My favorite celebrity is: this is no secret to anyone who knows me irl, it’s the beautiful Ash Costello

50: Where would you like to be: in bed

49: Do you want children: maybe, adopting would be cool

48: Ever been in love: nope

47: Who’s your best friend: ALL MY MUTUALS

46: More guy friends or girl friends: more girl friends

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: hmm idk, i’m pretty antisocial tho so

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: ha no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nope

41: Have you pre-named your children: no

40: Last person I got mad at: my sister

39: I would like to move to: anywhere not in a large city

38: I wish I was a professional: Tattooist

[ My Favorites ]

36: Vehicle: i want a motorbike aa

35: President: Obama

34: State visited: I’ve never been to america

33: Cellphone provider: okay but who actually has an opinion on this??

32: Athlete: Simone Biles

31: Actor: Daniel Radcliffe

30: Actress: Helana Bonham Carter

29: Singer: ASH COSTELLO

28: Band: BABYMETAL, All Time Low, Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance

27: Clothing store: Primark

26: Grocery store: uh idk, Asda i guess

25: TV show: American Horror Story??

24: Movie: the Blair Witch Project

23: Website: I’m on it rn

22: Animal: Chinchillas and Red Pandas

21: Theme park: aa i’m too scared to go on rollercoasters tho so i dont have a fav

20: Holiday: That time we went away for a weeks with literally everyone in my family

19: Sport to watch: Football

18: Sport to play: i guess volleyball is okay

17: Magazine: Kerrang is gud

16: Book: Lord of the Rings

15: Day of the week: saturday

14: Beach: there are like 30 beaches around her how do you expect me to choose

13: Concert attended: AVENGED SEVENFOLD WITH DISTURBED AND IN FLAMES

12: Thing to cook: curry aaa

10: Restaurant: hmm maybe Frankie and Bennies

9: Radio station: Kerrang ofc

8: Yankee candle scent: COTTON

7: Perfume: pure poison

4: Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres

3: Comedian: hmm not sure tbh

okay I’m actually physically dead now