#i know some people here care but god it's the emptiness versus someone being nice to me every few weeks

[sibelin]

what did i tell u. day 2 of sitting alone in my appartment having no one to talk to and i'm already starting to feel every bad emotions all at once

[whattodowithace]

Circuits & Wires (Seyoon)

Title: Circuits & Wires 

Paring: Seyoon x Reader

Genre: Fluff; Slight Angst

Count: 5431 Words

Writer: Whattodowithkpop [Lio]

Summary: Who would’ve thought one of the android prototypes would work in the actual office. But he seems too human to be an android...

A/N: This story is discontinued, but I spent a lot of hours on it so I still want to post it, but I was worried I was doing this story an injustice. I love it too much to ruin it further. I hope you enjoy the beginnings of this story :). 

*****

“How did you get hired at AND Corp?”

This was a common question I received when I told people about my employer. My response was always the same and cleared up all confusion that someone could have.

“I’m just the secretary.”

AND Corp was the biggest company of the 22nd century, bringing the world things like the first Hoverboard model, current models of flying cars, and their latest invention, helper bots. These bots being the prototype for androids that AND Corp had been working on since their startup.

Because of their reputation, only the ridiculously smart got hired into one of their five departments. It was the only company worth working for since they basically controlled the world because they supplied society with everything that we used.

It was a huge honor to be able to work in the company, even if it was just the secretary position. It was hard being the only person in the room without an IQ of 170+, especially when they expected everyone in the company to have the same intelligence level as them. Secretaries here needed patience and a harder shell, but that didn't mean it still wasn’t difficult.

~

I push the glass door open, walking swiftly to my desk, placing my belongings in their assigned spots before starting my day.

I walk through the empty office, making my way towards the coffee station on the other side of the office. My steps quick, but not hurried as I walk my habitual route to the station.

Five coffee machines were lined up on the marble countertop. Individual coffee cups were stocked neatly in a small cabinet next to the machines. Coffee mugs were stacked in the next to the cabinet, creating a efficient assembly line.

This was just one of my many tasks to complete in the morning before the office workers came in. The secretaries usually worked three or four extra hours versus everyone else in the building. I honestly believe that the secretaries are the glue that keeps this place together.

I had gotten everything down to a T, finishing all the morning tasks in perfect time as the first employees began to enter the building. The floors were small, so you always saw the same people everyday, only having about 20 people on the floor. As they enter, I keep track of who enters, recognizing the faces of my colleagues as they filed into the spacious office space.

My eyes meet deep brown ones as a man with silver hair enters the office. His eyes were hiding behind a pair of thick framed glasses, that framed his handsome face perfectly. He was on the shorter side, but it was easy to tell that he wasn't weak or scrawny underneath his crisp black suit. His hair was styled professionally, but still modernized to enhance his features.

I tilt my head in confusion as I notice the employee badge around his neck displaying his picture and his name which I couldn’t see from my desk. He smiles warmly as he gives me a bow, which I return. He shows me his badge quickly as he passes, not stopping to say any greetings. After his back is to me, my eyes glue to my computer, checking emails and messages to see if I had missed one about a new employee. I send a quick message to my superior, asking him about the silver haired man, to which he replies ‘he’s going to work on our floor starting today.’

I felt a wave of relief wash over me knowing I hadn’t let in unauthorized personal onto the floor. Still, I wondered about the man, we hardly had any interesting news in this company, much less our specific floor, so anything new or changed was exciting. My eyes were drawn back to him when he came back to the main room with all the office desks. I secretly hoped he would sit at the one closest to my station, cause honestly, it would be nice to see such a nice looking young man every once in awhile against the boring scenery of the office.

The office gods must have been upon me as he took the desk right in front of me. He must have felt my stare for he looked into my eyes, offering another warm smile, one which I returned but turned away as I felt my face heat up.

~

The end of the day drew near, and it went much like any other day. I had done my duties and the office treated me the same as it always did. With the exception of the new guy. He hadn't talked a lot, but he was the only one who offered me a please when he asked for copies and the only one who thanked me throughout the day as I refilled coffee and kept inventory stocked.

It always shocked me, since I wasn't used to it with the rest of the office. I began to take a quick liking to the new employee, his presence making me feel comforted as I realized I had someone who had appreciated my hard work.

Lunch was an interesting time as well. The secretaries of each floor tended to eat together. It was hard to sit and listen to the smart analysts and coders discuss intelligent workings, so the secretaries flocked together to talk about day to day life and usually they tended to gossip, but I usually zoned out during those parts. However, the conversation was quite a bit different this time. The new guy joined the secretary table, offering smiles to each of us as he gave me a quick bow exchanging a hello. I could see the shock and panic on the rest of the girls at the table, some of them blushing as they looked at the handsome young man. I smiled as I watched them fangirl over him, enjoying it because we never had this much excitement in the quiet building.

During that lunch period, we all found out his name was Kim Seyoon. He was very dismissive about his family and even his younger years. I smiled fondly as I noticed his shy apprehension. We didn't press him too hard as we just enjoyed his quiet, lovely company. He seemed very curious about us and asked us a lot about our lives, mine in particular when he noticed I had strayed from the conversation. I didn't want to get the wrong idea so I brushed it off, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel my heart skip a beat more than once during lunch.

~

At the end of the day after everyone left for their homes, I would be the last to leave, cleaning and setting up desks for the next day so the geniuses could have a clean enviornment to work in. If the pay for this job wasn't so good all of the secretaries would've left by now, but the owners know that so they keep our pay high to keep us happy and to keep turn over down.

The last ones left in the office this chilly night were Seyoon and I. He was still typing on his computer as I worked around him, doing my best not to disturb him with too much noise or by crowding his area. He worked late into my shift to the point where I was done and he was still working. I didn't want to bother him, but I worried slightly for the newcomer and decided to address him and check up on him.

"Seyoon, I'm heading out for the night." I tell him quietly, his dark brown eyes lifting to meet mine behind his rounded glasses, his nose scrunching to push them back up his face, making me smile at his cuteness. "Do you need anything before I go?"

He smiles softly and shakes his head. "No, I'm okay. Thank you for all your help."

I smile back at him, bowing in respect before taking my leave. "See you tomorrow."

~

Little did I know that that was just the tip of the iceberg for Kim Seyoon. I figured his kindness would lessen the more he worked. I expected his caring attitude to stay, but his appreciation to begin to dwindle like it had done the others. But with time, he became more gracious and more appreciative. He always used kind words with everyone and often helped those who needed it, even when they were too prideful to ask for it.

He had helped me countless of times, helping me with heavy contents or staying late to help me organize the desks and to clean up the office, no matter how many times I told him it was fine, he would insist on helping.

There were even some nights where he lent me his suit coat, insisting I take it because the office was cold and he didn't need it. Many of the secretaries began to tease me about it, finding it adorable that he always seemed to come to my aid. I brushed it off and denied everything involving him, including denying feelings for the platinum haired boy. I denied it all, but as the days continued, my heart would skip more beats and my nerves would increase with each passing day as my feelings for him grew.

I tried to make it obvious to him, worried he wouldn't like it if I made the first move. I gave him more hints as the days passed,  staring at him a little too long, brushing against him gently when I passed him things, anything to make it painfully obvious that I was into him.

He never took the bait. Either he wasn't interested or he was just too pure to realize my advances. I thought hard about if I wanted to make the move. It was a tough decision, but I hadn't had feelings like this for someone in a long time. I had been so busy working I didn't have much time for a dating life and I really didn't have time to even meet many guys. Suddenly, one falls into my office and not only is he handsome, but he is sweet and caring to add to it. I didn't want to let the opportunity slip even if he would reject me.

~

I watched as Seyoon stood to get ready to leave. As usual, we were the final two people in the office and he offered to take me to my car. He said he always worried because some weird guys would wait in the parking garages and he was worried they would try something one day, especially if it was late enough. Just another thing to add to the list of heart palpitating things Seyoon did. He smiles as I approach him, walking next to me as we reached the elevator to the garage floor.

“Seyoon?” I call out to him, catching his attention just before we reached one of the many elevators in our building.

He looks over to me, his eyes meeting mine as he gives me his undivided attention.

“Are you going to dinner?” I ask him, suddenly, a surge of boldness running through me as I wait for his response.

He nods with a smile. "Are you?"

"I am." I smile at him as I feel the nerves bubble in my chest. "I was wondering, it you would like to go to dinner together?"

"I would like that." Seyoon agrees as the elevator doors open inviting us in.

I follow Seyoon into the small box as he hits the number for the parking garage. I look anywhere but him as I feel the butterflies multiply in my stomach, but my head tells me he doesn't understand the motive behind my request which makes my heart sink.

"Should we ride together?" He asks, breaking the silence.

I nod with a hum of acknowledgment , ignoring the fast beating of my heart as I think of being with him alone as we drove.

“Where should we go?” I ask him, trying to keep the silence from going awkward.

“You can choose.” Seyoon smiles as he looks up, twitching his nose slightly to push his glasses back up to his eyes.

I nod, starting to think of place to go to fit the mood and hopefully a place that would give me enough courage to wear my heart on my sleeve.

~

Seyoon drove carefully to a restaurant that was nice enough for a couple going on a date but casual enough for friends or co workers to have a casual dinner together. My hope was that this dinner would eventually become both scenarios.

My nerves grew as I watched him drive quietly. The street lights illuminating his figure only slight as he passed under them. I could feel myself fall more for him as I studied his features, my face heating up as I watched him, everything he seemed to do was perfect. His calculations down to his driving. This thought making me even more nervous.

We arrived at the restaurant after about a twenty minute drive. We were seated immediately and were quickly offered menus. We talked quietly amongst ourselves, but I don't remember much of the conversation. I was too nervous to pick up any of the words he said to me or to remember the words I said to him. I started many times to get the sentence out, but would chicken out last second. It took a lot of courage to get the conversation started, but I finally pulled that courage together to speak up.

“I actually called you here to tell you something.” I confess as I begin to twiddle my thumbs in nervousness.

Seyoon stares at me, but not with a stare that made feel inferior, one that made me feel confident.

I sigh out heavily as I look into his eyes. “I wanted to tell you that you’re really sweet and really kind and I have fallen for you charms. I know you haven’t worked here long, but I really wanted to tell you...” I trail off, looking away from his face.

All I could hear was my heart beating rapidly, it seemed to drown out the soft music that played throughout the restaurant. Only his next words stopped the thumping in my head completely, making all my thoughts stop in the process.

“You’re the sweet one.” He says quietly, making me jerk my head to him.

He held a small smile on his face as I felt my body heat up.

“I’m an android.” He states, his eyes boring into mine.

My heart drops as I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out.

“I wish I could return your feeling, but I’m incapable.” He continues, his face appearing to show sorrow, but I wrote it off as a machine learning mechanism. “I’m just here as a test to see if a prototype android is ready for the workforce.”

“I am so sorry, I had no idea!” I exclaim as I feel embarrassment flood me.

“That’s okay.” He reassured me, somehow making me feel better. “No one is supposed to know, so you really had no idea.”

“I won’t say anything.” I promise him as I look back down to my plate, my appetite leaving me.

“I hope we can still work together closely?” He offers, his voice now beginning to sound more monotone the more I hear it. “I don’t really feel emotions, but I do know I feel a sense of accomplishment when I work alongside you.”

His words shouldn’t make my heart beat anymore, but here it was, beating out of my chest. “I would like that.”

The rest of the dinner was spent like I had never confessed to him, our conversations comfortable and casual as they had been over the past few months. I knew he could never reciprocate my feelings, but I also knew my feelings for him wouldn't dissipate just because he was android. I was content with staying his friend and having his as a close companion, even if it wasn't the way I fully desired.

~

Weeks had past since that dinner. Nothing really changed, which made me happy. Our work habits and tasks continued to intertwine and my feelings never went away. It was strange, even though he was an android, an android created to show no emotion and to just do what he was told, he seemed to care for minor things.

It was little things that I started to notice, things that made me realize why I had been fooled into thinking he truly had feelings like any human would. He would walk to work from his apartment, one that the company worked out for him so they could fully test all of his functions, and he always arrived early. It was an admirable thing and something I had admired even now knowing he was an android. But it was what he did on his way to work that shocked me, shocking em because it was something I never expected an android to do.

In the alleyway, next to our corporate building, is a communal meeting place for the stray cats and kittens around the area. I had always tried to capture the kittens before they became too feral to be tamed, but I wasn't the most capable in that department. I would bring them by actual cat food cause it was cheap and they really did bring me joy on my commute to work as I saw them play with each other on the sidewalks.

One morning I was walking on the sidewalk, following one of the new kittens that had been birthed over the springtime. Said kitten was walking with a purpose, but would occasionally get distracted by a bug or a wrapper that flew in front of his path.

We reached our building and the kitten slid into the alleyway quietly, his tail rubbing against the building as he cut the corner. I followed him quietly as I pull out the bag of cat food I had brought with me, turning the corner to offer the strays some of it.

I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw Seyoon's back to me as he leaned down, the kitten running in between his legs and rubbing against his pants suit. I tilted my head as I watched Seyoon, the smallest of smiles on his lips as he petted the orange kitten that meowed up at him.

"Do you feed them?" He asked suddenly, making me jump in surprise.

"Well... I..." I stuttered out, not preparing to hold a conversation with him seeing as I thought he didn't know I was there. "I do, when I can."

Seyoon stands up and turns towards me, stepping closer to me, my heart beating quickly as a reaction.

"I'm glad you do." He stated as he looks back to the orange kitten who had reunited with his other cat friends. "No one else pays them mind."

"But you do." I commented as I lean down separate the cat food in piles so that the older cats wouldn't swat the kitten away.

"I can't do as much for them as you can." He said quietly as I stand back to my feet, looking into his eyes.

As I look at him I could have swore I saw a swirl of emotion behind his eyes, but it quickly left when he blinked back at me.

"I wish I could do more." I confessed as I looked back to the cats and kittens that ate the food happily.

"I think you'll be able to one day." He offered, making me look at him as I felt my heart rate quicken even more than it was already.

I cleared my throat as I stood there avoiding his gaze.

"We should head inside." He suggested as he walked out of the alleyway, stopping just before rounding the corner. "I'll walk you to your desk."

~

That was just one instance that I had seen compassion from him, making me question weather androids had more emotions than the company realized, maybe more emotions than the androids even realized.

It seemed as though I was just falling harder for Seyoon, making me wonder if I had just been so deprived of a relationship that I was having these thoughts about a creation that supposedly couldn't feel. I had done hours of research on Seyoon's android prototype, wondering if there was anything more to learn that could help me work through this childish crush, but none of the manuals had a section under 'what to do when you fall in love with an android'.

Seyoon was a full android, no natural emotion was to come from him. They said that he would pick up facial queues and would replicate them to have the illusion he did have emotion, but none of his actions would support those feelings.

I still couldn't shake the gut feeling that he had some emotion. He seemed to get more human every day. His facial expression conveyed feelings yes, but his eyes grew more and more sentient every time I looked into them. His facial expression became more natural and his words carried a feeling that was more than I felt an android could produce.

My feelings for him never staled and it was because I felt a connection, one that most people would call me crazy for, but one I was sure was there. His feelings were real and I could feel them and I wanted to see them come to light.

~

The end of another day approached as the usuals begin leaving. Seyoon and I were the last ones, as usual. Most of the time Seyoon would stay behind to help me finish my work. His proficiency making the tasks go by faster. However, this time, he was the last one working. I had finished my work for the night and realized the Android bent over his desk as he wrote quickly, faster than I’ve ever seen any human write.

I approach his desk, pulling the chair from his desk neighbor to sit next to him.

“How’s it going?” I ask him as I mean an elbow in the desk to watch his face twist in concentration, making me heart pound in excitement at the realization of his face showing emotion.

He looks up to me, smiling mechanically as he assures me. “It’s going well, I’m almost done.”

I nod as he goes back to work. “You don’t need any help?”

“I’m really okay, thank you.” He replies as he goes back to his paper.

“You don’t need your pencil sharpener?” I ask him as I play with the dull pencils he had put aside on his desk.

Seyoon stops writing, putting his pencil down to focus his attention on me. I feel my body heat up as his eyes focus on mine.

“You really don’t need to stay and help me.” He smiles slightly. “I really can handle it on my own.”

“Seyoon, please.” I beg him as I give him puppy dog eyes. “You help me very night with my tasks and you do it without complaint. I know you don’t need my help but let me stay with you, even if all I do is keep you company or get you a sharp pencil, please let me stay with you.”

Seyoon’s eyes dance in amusement just for a moment before he goes back stoic. “Okay.” He agrees, making me squeal in excitement.

“What do you want me to do?” I ask him as I scoot my chair closer to him.

“I want you to lay your head on the desk, on your hand facing me.” He directs, my body following his order. “Now close your eyes.” I do as told, shutting my eyes tightly. “And just stay like that.”

My body straightens quickly. “Seyoon I’m not sleeping.” I glare at him. I suddenly grab the pencils he had thrown to the side and angrily walk towards the sharpener. “I’m sharpening these for you.”

I don’t wait for his reaction as I walk to my desk where the sharpener was. It was set there for my convenience, I was the only one that did the sharpening anyway.

When I look up from sharpening, I see Seyoon looking at me. His eyes fixed on me, making me feel embarrassed. I focus on the pencils, the quiet machine sharpening the lead, it’s low buzz engineered to not disturb any work.

I continued to do small tasks for Seyoon as he calculated numbers at his desk. It was hard to find tasks that could help an Android, but the ideas quickly dwindled.

I sit next to Seyoon after getting him and myself a cup of coffee. I lean back on the desk, my eyes focused on his fingers that write the numbers and words.

“I’m going to be here for awhile.” Seyoon speaks up, making me jump in surprise. “You can go home.”

I shake my head. “I’m okay. I’ll stay with you.”

He stares at me for a moment, making heat rush through my body. It felt like an eternity of him staring. I watch him push his glasses up with him nose, making a rock gif my stomach at his cuteness. This jolts me out of my trance, looking away from Seyoon to my coffee that steamed against the cold office air conditioning.

I notice Seyoon begins to write again, his movement capturing my attention. I rest my arms over each other, leaning my head down to them to watch his hand closely. I could feel my eyes heavy as I watch his rhythmic strokes. I decide to rest my eyes just for a moment, exhaustion settling in for me.

~

I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember opening my eyes in a confused state, not recognizing the surface I was resting atop of. I lift my head, rubbing my face, focusing my eyes to recognize the office. I realize I'm the only one here, making me stand in panic. I worry about Seyoon for a split second before I realize his suit jacket was draped across my shoulders.

Butterflies erupt in my stomach as I pull the jacket around me, it's heaviness keeping me warm. I smile to myself as I think about the weight this would carry for a human, the thought making the butterflies reach my heart. I stand from his desk, noticing his papers and utensils still on his desk. I call out his name quietly, hearing no response through the small office.

I decide to venture out in search of Seyoon, I had nothing better to do anyways. I walk out of the small office, his jacket securely around my shoulders as I walk the halls of the quiet building. It was probably well over midnight by now, so even the late nighters were at home, resting in their beds.

I reach the cafeteria, the giant floor to ceiling windows reveling the night life of the beautiful city. You couldn't really see the stars because of the skyscrapers that lit up the area around them, dimming the lights in the sky, but the moon was in full illumination. I felt awe as I looked out over the city, feeling the urge to feel the wind against my skin to feel the full effect of the atmosphere.

I knew it would be a bit chilly, but I wasn't worried because of Seyoon's jacket would keep the brisk wind from my arms. I walk quickly back the way I came, arriving at the elevators to the roof. The ascent was quiet, even the elevator music had stopped this late at night. It carried me to the rooftop terrace,  the wind greeting me as soon as the doors open.

I step out before freezing just outside the elevator. At the ledge stood a familiar figure with his back towards me. I feel my heart quicken as I observe him in the moonlight. His platinum hair seemed to glow in the moonlight, his tan skin shining beautifully as he leaned on the ledge to look down at the city.

I gulp as my feet carry me towards him, my nerves skyrocketing like they did the night I confessed to him. I approach him quietly, leaning against the ledge next to him to copy his movements.

"Did you sleep okay?" He asks, breaking the silence as the wind blew over us quietly.

I nod towards him, looking over to him. I suddenly worry about the wind against his thin shirt, quickly taking the jacket off myself to offer it back to him.

He smiles at me, pushing his glasses up with his nose as he often did. "You'll get cold. You keep it."

I nod as I feel a blush wash over me, making my heart beat quickly. I place the jacket back on my shoulders, warmth immediately coming back to me once the padded shoulders reach my body.

"Do you have more work to do?" I ask him after a moment of silence, the city seeming quiet this late at night.

"I finished for the night." He tells me, looking up to the sky where the stars were barley visible.

"Then why are you still here?" I ask him, my attention fully on him.

He tuns to look at me and when he does a shiver runs through my body. His eyes held something, something I hadn't seen from him, but had seen in other humans. The amount of emotion in his eyes was powerful and made me forget, once again, he was an android.

"I didn't want to leave you." He states simply, his words piercing straight through my heart like Cupid's arrow.

The world around me feel silent, all I could focus on was him in that moment and I couldn't tell if it was just my hopeful imagination or if he was feeling the same way as me.

A power gust of wind pushes me off balance, bring me back to reality as I clear my throat and look away from him. "I'm sorry for making you stay later."

"You stayed for me." He reminds me, making me whine in protest.

"You always stay for me and the one time I stay for you it still ends up you staying for me." My eyes fill with frustrated tears as I look at him.

It was probably from exhaustion, but this moment made me want to cry. I think he could tell because he gives me a soft smile as he steps closer to me. He lays his hand on top of my head gently as he pats my head a couple of times.

"I will always stay for you." He whispers as his hand falls from me. "I don't know why I feel like I need to, but I do."

My heart explodes at his confession, my feelings for him running deeper with each passing second. Before I can even register words for myself, he speaks again.

"You need to go home and get some rest."

I nod, finally, as I clear my throat. "Yea, I should head home."

"I can drive you." He offers, making me smile with a nod.

He drove me home that night, the time being 2 in the morning as he wished me a goodnight. I left his jacket in his car before making me way up to my apartment. Once inside I crash on the bed, not even bothering to change into pajamas. I sigh out heavily as I think of the night's events, my heart never once calming since the rooftop. My mind knew that it wouldn't work, but my heart wanted it so desperately to work. I fall asleep with these thoughts, but my heart doesn't fully slow until I slip into unconsciousness.

MASTERLIST

[unproduciblesmackdown]

ok-yikes replied to your post: diefordarkseid replied to your post: ...

ok but like thank u sm for the link i’ve been vaguely following your winston/billions content and ive been trying to find the context without having to watch the whole thing lmao so now i can fully understand ur analysis and art that i already enjoy!!

oh first of aw!!!! that’s such a compliment lol ty and yes s/o to @winstonthequant for posting that compilation for 5.5k+ people to partake in, it’s super useful

yeah we Jest that all anyone needs to know to understand the Spirit Of Wynnstanning is to have seen those scenes with winston and taylor from kompenso, ep 3x11 lol.....i mean it’s partially a joke but it’s also partially true, that’s pretty much the Cause of the group of us going “oh my god” and becoming Invested in all of this. winnie n tay baby.......their Dynamique...they are way too good Ugh

and yeah the Broadest Of Strokes of this series overall is that the Central Theme is "insufferable bastard hedge fund ceo damian lewis [aka axe] man Versus insufferable bastard attorney general paul giamatti man [aka chuck],” just these corrupt assholes having a back and forth slapfight power struggle every season. nobody cares what happens in season 1 but taylor is introduced at the start of season 2 as a just-out-of-undergrad intern at axe’s hedge fund. turns out they’re amazing at hedge funding (they have some goddamn sense and strategy and awareness, whereas axe is 100% beholden to the whims of his own Delicate Temper and Ego and is a continually self-sabotaging idiot, nbd) and by season 3, while axe is doing a bit of jail time over insider trading (see: previous parenthetical) taylor is left effectively in charge of axe’s hedge fund, which btw is called axe capital

Our Beloved Quant Winston enters the picture 3 eps into this situation, where taylor is attempting to start a quant team at axe cap, hence interviewing him, then only known as “quant kid 2″ in the credits. [not-that-informed explanation of What Is A Quant: where the Traditional Financial Analysts in a hedge fund try to make profitable stonk trades just via like, reacting to The News and other publically available info / whipping up Strategies / intuiting shit and making judgment calls or whatever the hell they do, a Quantitative Analyst (a more recent development in the high finance world) is taking a more mathematical approach to the whole legal gambling operation which is The Stock Market and might, as winston does, use An Algorithm to analyze finance info and make trades in response. is the vague idea here] Quant Kid 2 was not Originally meant to ever reappear, hence him just messing up the interview and getting sent off after like 30 seconds, but they wrote him in further when William Roland showed up and actually filmed the scene. 

when “i’m a shitty bastard driven by my shitty ego and will self-sabotage if my Pride asks for it on a whim” axe shows back up, tl;dr, he spends the rest of s3 being terrible and unappreciative to taylor, who you might imagine is Threatening That Delicate Ego of his by capably taking care of his hedge fund while he was indisposed. for example, he needlessly wrecks taylor’s relationship with a guy they were having a nice time dating (and will, we’re pretty sure, talk to again in s5ep2!! hoorayy) and does basically the opposite of apologizing, sweeps taylor’s Quant Project into the trash, gets mad at them for failing to land a certain investor which he said they did on purpose which idk they May Have lol i think this was later in the season, and won’t give them the raise they want, and that’s just A Few of the bullet points in this topic. but oops, turns out that taylor has been secretly taking steps to put together their own entirely separate hedge fund! which is where winston comes back in, aka their meeting him in that empty classroom only to summon him to a random basement. that algorithm he ends up creating for them (which he’d Assumed was for axe cap purposes) was used by taylor to entice a Big Investor at axe cap to invest in their own hedge fund, taylor mason capital, which exists by the end of season 3, which obviously axe is not happy about and of course it’s a whole ~betrayal~ even though he did it to himself but no, he decides taylor is his Nemesis, b/c in so many ways he is a dumbass. god

season 4 has winston as taylor’s Main Quant (the one time we hear his name spoken aloud is taylor saying “winston and the quant team). taylor spends the season dealing with all the problems of having a Brand New Hedge Fund and having a Well Established Hedge Fund With An Asshole At The Helm constantly trying to sabotage their fund, which we also call tmc / mase cap for short, just for reference lmao, the latter being how they shorten it in the show’s actual dialogue. the Front Running mentioned in that one clip was an instance of such sabotage. and by the time winston shows up 5 eps later, that Fracking Subplot (lmao...this fucking show) was about taylor being reeeeal sick of axe cap’s sabotage b/c they kinda made it personal, and thus spending the whole episode Completely playing axe for a fool, which was kinda fun, b/c it’s not that hard and he has it coming. it gets a little involved with what’s going on in ep 4x11 with the bonuses lmfao but it's nbd, just know that winston was right, we went frantic about him being Bullied and are still indignant about it, and taylor talking to Everyone in that 4x12 clip does seem to address what winston had said, compare and contrast 4 yourselves, even if this apparently went totally over the heads of any Regular Billions Viewers lmao. and then in 4x12 A Lot Happens b/c it’s the finale but axe manages to self-sabotage himself in a way that does a lot of damage for mase cap though, and axe thinks that he’s successfully blackmailed taylor into returning to axe cap with mase cap as a Supposedly Temporary subsidiary of axe cap, which sucks, but taylor is not as blackmailed as he thinks, which is a secret, Drama and Twists and Shifting / Dubious Loyalties and Stonks are just constant themes here and who cares. we are here for the quant, who is there with taylor

We Have Many Ideas / wise concepts and headcanons, seeing as canon is a nightmare and there’s not That much material re: winston and precious few details about him / he spends sooo much time offscreen and unmentioned and it leaves us plenty of blanks to fill in. for example, maybe u noticed we think he should kiss taylor and also get railed by them, there are extensive ideas about that relationship wherein we happily ignore Finance. also, there is an unusually kind and reasonable analyst over at axe cap named ben kim who we also think should kiss winston, so yeah That idea is sure around as well lol, they have enough Parallels and complementary Similarities and Contrasts and also just like, a normal nice person is a rarity on this show, so ben does Not have a world of competition in our [list of people who’d be Okay to kiss winston, b/c someone should, b/c he deserves that cuz we love him]

yeah that’s my Quick Basic Context summary lmao we hate it here but also we have fun, and really at any time (extending this to anyone lol) feel free to Send An Ask about anything at all b/c i am Not annoyed by random / unprompted asks from anybody, i love interaction! who knows if i’ll answer promptly (for example: sorry @ the person who’s asked for deh/bmc hcs who i havent answered yet lol) but yeah. it’s totally nice that you were already interested even without any Context lmao like. i mean yeah basically the joke still stands that the only context u truly need is that one scene from Kompenso but. yeah #Stonks

[serpentupemotions-blog]

Guilt (Part Two) - Sweet Pea x Reader

Summary: You’re out of your element during a second trip to the Whyte Wyrm, but your feelings for Sweet Pea are only growing stronger. Being Archie’s sister makes navigating the Southside versus Northside issue even more difficult as you try to figure out where you stand with Sweet Pea.

A/N: Oh my God, I finally got it done! This is part two of a request I got by @babbbiegirl​ (who probably wasn’t wanting all of this, but I’m very grateful for the inspiration the request gave me!)

I’ve come to the realization that the three things I struggle with the most are: titles, summaries, and figuring out how to end stories. So, all three are mediocre at best, but hopefully the rest of it makes up for that.

Warnings: Some pretty mild swearing

Word count: 8,307

You walk out of your bedroom when you hear the familiar sound of Archie slamming his bedroom door, always just a little too hard for no particular reason. Hurrying after him you pull your jacket on, covering up the plunging neckline of the shirt you were wearing. “Archie,” you call, almost running down the stairs.  

Archie turns to look at you when he hears you yell his name, picking up the keys to your dad’s truck that he was borrowing for the night. “Yeah?”

“I’m coming with you,” you tell him confidently, coming to a stop in front of him.

“To FP’s retirement party? Like hell you are.”

Crossing your arms over your chest you push yourself in front of the door. You both may be teenagers now, both too mature for your age after dealing with everything you had been through, but sometimes you still acted like children.

“Y/N,” Archie sighs, “get out of the way.”

“I’m not moving unless you bring me with you.”

“Why do you even want to go?” Archie asks impatiently.

Your cheeks warm up as the truth immediately comes to mind, seeing Sweet Pea again. You had taken extra time to get ready, tried on many different outfits, all in hopes that he would notice you. There was no way you were letting Archie leave you behind.  But there was even less of a chance that you were about to tell him the truth. “I grew up with Jughead too, I have just as much reason to go as you do.”

“You’re not coming.”

“Yes, I am,” you say, not giving in as you press your back into the front door.

Archie glares at you, not saying anything for a minute before checking the time on his phone. “Fine, let’s go, I don’t want to be late, I told Veronica I would be there five minutes from now.”

You turn around with a smug smile on your face, opening the front door and walking to the truck. The drive is quiet for a few minutes until Archie looks over at you for a second before returning his eyes to the road ahead of him. “Stay with me, Veronica, Jug or Betty, I don’t want you hanging out at the Wyrm alone.”

You roll your eyes, knowing that Archie was focused on the road and wouldn’t notice it. You wanted to tell him that you had already been to the Wyrm before, to prove yourself as being able to do things without being coddled. But you kept your mouth shut, because you were aware that the ten seconds of feeling smug would never be worth the repercussions of telling him about your trip to the Whyte Wyrm after the fight.

Archie pulls into the parking lot at the bar, already crowded with motorcycles. A small crowd of older men stand under one of the few lights on the exterior of the building smoking, each of them wearing a Southside Serpent jacket. You wait till Archie gets out of the truck before slipping your jacket off quickly and abandoning it on the seat of the truck. Closing the truck door, you notice Archie looking around nervously. Something was up with him and Veronica, you could sense that. As much as you didn’t want to see your older brother dealing with relationship issues you found a silver lining in it, that it would distract him from feeling like he needed to babysit you the whole night.

Walking into the Wyrm the atmosphere is shockingly different from the night after the fight. The bar is packed with bodies, conversations blending into a steady drone of noise, rock music playing loudly, the occasional crack of pool balls against each other coming from the back of the bar. “Come on,” Archie says, gesturing for you to follow him to a table in the far corner.

Knowing you just had to wait till Veronica showed up you oblige, sitting down in an empty chair without complaint. “When’s Veronica supposed to get here?” you ask looking over your shoulder, trying to find Sweet Pea without making it too obvious to Archie that you were looking for someone.

“She’s almost here,” Archie tells you and you notice Jughead approaching, looking tense.

“Y/N, I didn’t know you were coming,” Jughead says, stopping beside you and glancing at Archie.

“I didn’t know she was coming until fifteen minutes ago either,” Archie says, immediately justifying why he hadn’t said anything to Jughead about you coming.

“Clearly neither of you want to hang out with me,” you say and push your chair back, “so I’ll go find someone else to hang out with.”

“Y/N,” Archie says as you stand up, “I told you to stay with one of us tonight.”

“I can take care of myself, Archie. Figure things out with Veronica, don’t worry about me.” You say it like you’re doing him a favour, giving him space so he can work on his relationship. But it was just a thinly-veiled excuse to get away from Archie and Jughead. Turning away from Archie you weave through the crowd of people, eyes scanning the crowd the whole time to find Sweet Pea. You eventually spot him by the bar, talking with the, much too young to be bartending, girl standing behind the bar. Taking a deep breath, you walk over, stepping up to the empty space at the bar beside him.

“What are you doing here?” Sweet Pea asks, his voice accusatory.

His words sting more than you wanted to admit and you force yourself to smile anyway. You couldn’t show him that you were upset by that. Jughead was like a brother to you, but you weren’t here for him. None of your friends were here. You had come for one person. “Couldn’t get enough of this place, I guess.” Your tone is sarcastic, and you glance around you, trying to make it seem like you weren’t there to see him.

“Your brother isn’t going to do something stupid tonight, is he? That you think you’re going to have to apologize for.”

You roll your eyes, turning your head to look at him now. “If he does something stupid it’ll be with his own relationship.”

Sweet Pea watches you for a moment before nodding and shrugging, indicating that he wasn’t concerned in the slightest with Archie and Veronica’s business. You were glad, because that’s not what you wanted to be talking about. “Toni, Y/N. Y/N, Toni,” Sweet Pea gives the briefest of introductions, gesturing towards the girl behind the bar. You stare at him for a second, biting the inside of your lip to try and hide the smile on your face. You hadn’t told him your name. Which meant he must have asked about you. He hadn’t told you his name either. But you both knew, because you both had asked Jughead. Both pretending that you weren’t interested in the other person, just curious about who they were.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you say to her with a friendly smile, extending your hand over the bar and shaking her hand quickly.

She glances at Sweet Pea and you pretend not to notice the smirk on her face. “You too. Do you want a drink?”

You agree to a drink and she slides the club soda you asked for towards you a moment later, all the while her eyes flicking between you and Sweet Pea.

“What about you?” Sweet Pea asks suddenly.

You look up at him, eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“Are you going to do anything stupid tonight?” he asks, a smile on his face. It’s almost shocking, seeing him smile. It was possibly the first time you had seen him smile, seen him not angry about something.

You smile and take a sip of your drink, looking around the crowded bar again. You were a little surprised Archie hadn’t come to find you or sent someone else to come and find you. “Well I don’t have any plans to do anything stupid,” you say, turning your attention back towards him, “but I don’t have any plans not to either.”

“Well at least you can’t do as much damage as your brother,” Sweet Pea says, chuckling quietly.

“Shouldn’t underestimate me.” You look away as soon as Sweet Pea tries to make eye contact with you, a smile on your lips, taking pleasure in knowing you had gotten his attention.

Your smile fades quickly as you watch a miserable looking Archie and Veronica walk onto the stage across the bar, Mad World playing over the speakers.

“Oh, this should be good,” Sweet Pea comments, chuckling. “I’ve gotta get a better view of this.” Sweet Pea begins to walk away, and you hesitate before following him, not wanting to stand at the bar alone.

Sweet Pea leans against a wall, arms folding across his chest as he watches Archie and Veronica begin singing. You come to a stop beside him, but you wished you were both still standing in the back of the room, watching Archie and Veronica was giving you an incredible amount of second-hand embarrassment. “Oh God,” you mumble and Sweet Pea snorts at your comment, glancing over at you.

You alternate between watching Veronica and Archie sing and staring at the ground in front of you, not being able to look for too long. You peel your eyes from the ground when the singing stops, just in time to catch Archie fleeing from the stage, Veronica already gone. A chorus of boos erupts around you and you hear Sweet Pea joining in. Reaching over you playfully hit his arm, smiling in relief, because at least it was over. “What? You weren’t enjoying that?” Sweet Pea asks jokingly, a smirk on his face.

“Couldn’t have been farther from enjoying it.” Your relief doesn’t last long as you watch Betty take the stage. This time you can’t take your eyes away from the stage, eyes wide in shock as you watch her strip her clothes off on stage. As she starts to dance you look around, the room filled mainly with middle aged men, most of them watching intently, a few glancing towards Jughead for his reaction. FP appears from the crowd as the song ends, clapping and ending the horrifying silence that had filled the room.

FP takes the stage and begins a speech that changes the tone in the bar drastically. There’s an energy his speech evokes, a riled-up excitement that filled you with anxiety. You became acutely aware that you were an outsider as the room erupts in cheers and applause when FP announces that he isn’t retiring. This wasn’t a celebration that you were supposed to be apart of. Pulling your phone from the back pocket of your jeans you text Archie, asking him where he went. You wait a couple minutes before putting your phone back in your pocket, crossing your arms over your chest and pressing your back into the wall, looking around the room in hopes that you would find Archie. You watch as Sweet Pea walks away from you, a sinking feeling in your stomach. Sweet Pea heads towards where FP was standing, surrounded by fellow Serpents, happily slapping each other on the arms, laughing, and cheering about FP’s announcement.  

“Hey, Northsider,” a guy’s voice drags your attention from FP and the celebrations happening around him. Turning your head, you look at the guy the voice came from, a bit older than you but still far below the average age of the people in the bar. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m Jughead’s friend,” you defend quickly, straightening your back and inching away from him, wishing you could just disappear.  

He chuckles, his eyes not leaving you, though he had yet to actually make any eye contact, his eyes all over everything except your eyes. “What’s your name?”

You swallow a lump in your throat, looking around again for Archie. “Y/N.”

“Well, Y/N. Can I get you a drink? Something to loosen you up a little, you look terrified.”

You bite the inside of your lip, feeling equal parts angry and anxious. If you had a little more courage you would have told him that if he thought you looked terrified it was because you were and to back off instead of trying to get you drunk. But you didn’t have that courage. “No, I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Come on, lighten up, have some fun. Everyone else is celebrating. What do you drink?”

You shake your head again, “nothing, I’m not drinking.”

“You have to have a celebratory drink.”

You wanted to tell him that you weren’t celebrating. That you weren’t a Serpent and you had no idea whether this was something that should be celebrated or not, that you didn’t even really know what it meant that FP wasn’t retiring. But you couldn’t figure out how to say that, too scared to say anything in case the anxiety took over and you said something wrong.

The hot air in the bar is permeated with the scent of alcohol and cigarettes and your lungs suddenly refuse to allow you to fill them completely. Your breathing is shallow, your heart racing. The stuffy warmth surrounding you and making you feel dizzy.  

“Hey,” Sweet Pea says, walking over to you. “Where’d your brother go?”

You let out a breath that you hadn’t realized you were holding when Sweet Pea returns. A sudden pain in your jaw alerts you to the fact that you had been clenching it, becoming aware that ever muscle in your body was tense with anxiety. You shrug and look around for what felt like the hundredth time, not seeing him anywhere. Of course, he was always so insistent upon watching over you until the one time you did need him, and he was nowhere to be found. “I don’t know, probably with Veronica somewhere.”

“I’m going to hang out with Fangs and Toni for a bit, why don’t you come with me?” Sweet Pea suggests, reaching over and placing his hand on your lower back before you have a chance to say anything. Not that you needed to say anything, anyone paying attention would have noticed your change in demeanour when Sweet Pea had returned to your side, the relief he had brought you simply by walking over. You walk along beside him, the pressure of his hand on your back guiding you through the crowd of people and back towards the bar where Toni was standing with Fangs. It’s not until his hand leaves your back till you realize how much you wished he would keep it there, or anywhere on your body. You wanted to feel his hands on you, and even the thought of that scared you. Because tonight had done nothing more than reaffirm that he had no interest in you. He was looking out for you, being nice, but only because your brother had disappeared.

“Thanks,” you say to Sweet Pea once you both stop walking.

Sweet Pea shrugs off your thanks, silently letting you know it wasn’t a big deal. But you couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a big deal, that if he had the chance he would much rather pawn you off on someone else you knew than have you hanging around with him and his friends like a lost puppy.

“Hey, I’m Fangs. You were here after the fight, weren’t you? Archie Andrews’ sister…you were soaking wet and terrified, if I remember correctly.”

Your cheeks flush, forcing yourself to smile and you nod at his statement. That was not the first impression you had been hoping for that night, but that’s evidently what had been received. “Yeah, that was me,” you laugh softly, “I’m Y/N.”

Pulling your phone from your pocket you check your text messages again, in case you had missed something.

“You can sit down,” Sweet Pea says, gesturing to the empty barstool he had left between himself and Fangs. He was sitting on his seat sideways, one arm resting on the bar top, turned towards the empty stool he was offering. Hesitantly you step closer and sit down on it, still worried you were accepting an empty invitation. Toni places another club soda down in front of you with a reassuring smile. It was a simple gesture, a glass full of carbonated water, yet such an appreciated one. It was a welcoming gesture in a rather unwelcoming place. Sitting there with them it felt like you were in a bubble, separate from the rambunctious celebrations that had given you so much anxiety not many minutes prior.

You listen to them talk for awhile about FP, about him not retiring and what that meant for the Serpents, about Betty’s dance. You listen in fascination as they discuss it all in an incredibly casual manner, realizing how different their lives were to your own.

“Y/N,” Jughead’s voice causes you to turn around, your knees brushing against Sweet Pea’s as you spin around on the barstool.

“Sorry,” you whisper to him, the corners of his lips curling into a smirk when you make eye contact. Looking away from him you’re met with a very clearly upset Jughead. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I was just talking to Archie, he’s outside in the truck, he told me to find you and tell you it’s time to go.”

You glance down at your phone, not seeing a message from Archie.

“Your brother really knows how to wreck a party,” Sweet Pea says, and his words seem to make Jughead upset as he turns his attention to Sweet Pea with an intense glare.

“Yeah, well, unfortunately he’s my only way home, so I guess I have to go,” you tell Sweet Pea, standing up from the barstool. “It was nice to meet you guys,” you say to Toni and Fangs before looking back at Sweet Pea. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Jughead turns to head towards the door with you. You can’t help yourself, you look back over your shoulder once you get a few feet away. “Y/N, wait,” Sweet Pea calls when you look back. He gets up from where he was sitting, walking over to you while fishing his phone out of his pocket. “Could I, uh, maybe, get your number?”

You smile up at him, a little surprised by the way he stumbled over his words. Of all the things you expected from him, being nervous to ask for your phone number was not one of them. “Yeah, sure.” You give him your phone number, watching him put his phone back into his pocket. “Have a good rest of your night, Sweet Pea.”

He stays standing there as you turn around and walk out of the bar with Jughead. The crowd of people seemed to have calmed down a bit, or maybe you had just gotten used to the energy in the room. You get into the truck with Archie and you head home despite not wanting to leave. You keep quiet about the fact that you had given your number to a Southside Serpent, to Sweet Pea, to the boy who not too long ago showed up at your house ready to fight your own brother.

It’s a few days before you get a text message from Sweet Pea and you had yet to tell anyone about your feelings for him, not your best friends and sure as hell not your brother. You were aware of the fact that it was still dangerous waters you were treading, maybe it was calmer now than weeks ago, right after the fight, but it was still treacherous.

Sweet Pea: ‘Do you have any plans tonight?’

You had been on your phone when you got the message, reading it immediately. But you made yourself wait to text him back. Even though you thought that rules about waiting to text someone back, so you didn’t seem overly eager were dumb, you still fell into the trap. You wait as long as you can stand before opening your text messages again, realizing as long as you can stand was only ten minutes.

‘Nothing important, why?’ You press send and stare at your screen, immediately wondering if you should have said something different, reading and re-reading the three words. The appearance of three little dots in the bottom corner makes your heart race, happy to see that Sweet Pea didn’t care about waiting any length of time to respond.

Sweet Pea: ‘Toni, Fangs, and I are going to see a movie do you want to come?’

You read the message, disappointment overwhelming your body. You had wholeheartedly been anticipating something a bit more date like, not hanging out with him and his friends.

‘Yeah, sure. At the Bijou? What time should I meet you guys there?’ you toss your phone down onto your bed, laying back on your pillows with a groan.

Sweet Pea: ‘We’ll be there at 8:30’

‘See you then’

You look at the time, two hours. Crawling off your bed you head downstairs, finding your dad and Archie in the kitchen. Archie was leaning against the counter, absorbed in his phone while your dad was cleaning up the kitchen. “Can one of you give me a ride to the movie theatre later?”

Your dad nods, taking a couple plates out of the drying rack by the sink and placing them into the cupboard. “Who are you going with?”

“Just some friends.”

Archie looks up from his phone when he hears your vague response. “New friends?”

You already knew where he was headed with that question, and his suspicions were correct. “Yes, new friends. I’m allowed to make new friends, Archie.”

“Who are they?” Archie asks, his phone completely out of his hand now as he stares at you suspiciously.

Your jaw clenches in irritation, exhaling heavily, glaring across the kitchen at him. “I don’t have to tell you.”

“Please don’t start arguing, you two. I can’t deal with that right now,” your dad says, and you sigh, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen. “Yes, Y/N, I can drive you to the movies.”

“Great, thank you,” you say, turning around and leaving the kitchen before Archie is given the opportunity to ask anymore questions about who you were going to the movie with.

“Thanks for dropping me off, I’ll call you when the movie is over,” you say to your dad, opening the truck door and jumping out. The cold air sends a shiver through your body and you’re grateful you didn’t have to walk to the theatre, even if that meant making Archie suspicious. Walking into the lobby of the movie theatre you see Sweet Pea first, his back was turned to you, but it was hard to miss him, taller than almost everyone in the building.

“Hey,” Toni greets you first and Sweet Pea turns to face you as you walk over.

“Hi,” you reply and look up at Sweet Pea, smiling politely at him. You were trying your best to pretend that you were fine with him wanting to be just friends, but you weren’t sure you could play that role very well.

“Should we go get tickets?” you suggest, gesturing towards the ticket counter.

“We already got them,” Sweet Pea tells you, reaching over and handing you a ticket.

“Oh,” you say, taking the ticket from him while reaching for your wallet. “How much do I owe you for the ticket?”

“Nothing.”

You look up at him, your wallet still in your hands as you begin to unzip it. “How much was it, Sweet Pea?” You couldn’t not pay him back for the ticket. Him paying for you was too much like a date for you be okay with. If you were just going to be friends, you were drawing that line right away.

“I knew this was going to be weird for us,” you hear Fangs say and you look up, seeing that he was talking to Toni. “It’s like a double date, except we’re not dating.”

“We aren’t either,” you say quickly. For someone who wanted it to be a date more than anything, you were pretty quick to correct him on that. But if you didn’t then Sweet Pea would have, and it would have hurt more hearing it from him. “We’re not on a date.”

You pull a twenty-dollar bill from your wallet and shove it into Sweet Pea’s hand, sighing as he refuses to close his hand around the money. “Just take the money.”

“I’m not taking your money,” Sweet Pea tells you, holding eye contact as he easily folds your hand closed over the bill, keeping his hand around yours for longer than was needed to get his point across.

You break away from the eye contact and the physical contact at the same time, your heart hammering so hard against your chest you thought it might just give up altogether. “Fine, whatever. Thanks for the ticket,” you mutter, shoving the money back into your wallet.

“God, this is weird. I’m going to get some snacks,” Toni says, and Fangs follows closely behind her as they walk across the theatre lobby.

You turn back to look up at Sweet Pea once you were sure Toni and Fangs were far enough away to not be able to hear your conversation. “Do they…did you tell them… this isn’t a date, right?”

Sweet Pea shrugs and a tiny smile grows on your face. “No.” And with that the genuine smile turns into another forced smile as you look around the room to mask the chance that he would be able to recognize any disappointment on your face.

Once Fangs and Toni return you head into the theatre with them, not saying anything else to Sweet Pea. Fangs takes the lead and heads down a row halfway down the theatre and the rest of you simply follow suit. You sit down in between Toni and Sweet Pea, immediately feeling nervous about how close you were to Sweet Pea. You run your clammy palms along the tops of your thighs, adjusting in your seat as you try to keep your arm from touching Sweet Pea’s. You wouldn’t have minded being this close, your arms touching, if you hadn’t been spending the last couple hours trying to convince yourself that you could get rid of your attraction to Sweet Pea if you just tried hard enough.

The movie starts and no matter how hard you try to just focus you can’t keep your mind on the movie and off Sweet Pea. Every time you see him move out of the corner of your eye you’re pulled back out of the movie. It didn’t help that you had no interest in the movie, but the Bijou was a one theatre establishment so it’s not like there had been any other choices. As the movie continues to drag on you feel Sweet Pea’s leg press against yours and you look down at his thigh. Maybe he didn’t even notice, his legs were long, the theatre was old and small, he didn’t have a lot of space to stretch out. But you noticed, you noticed enough for the two of you.

“Sorry,” Sweet Pea whispers and you turn your head to look at him, realizing he had caught you staring at his leg. Your cheeks burn but the darkness of the theatre is enough to hide that from him.

“No, it’s fine,” you whisper back, turning your head to look at the screen, your body tense as you feel him staring at you now. A couple minutes pass and you turn back to him. “I’m going to the washroom, I’ll be right back,” you whisper, standing up and doing your best to get around Sweet Pea. You bump into his leg, placing your hand on his thigh to stop yourself from falling right on top of him. “Shit, sorry,” you whisper, moving your hand quickly and finally getting around him. If only he hadn’t been so tall, or he hadn’t made you so nervous that your legs felt like they were made of jelly, then perhaps you could have made something of a graceful exit. Instead, you feel your face get even warmer as you hurry out of the theatre.

The lobby is quiet, and you walk over to the bench along the wall, underneath the poster for the movie you were bailing on. Sitting down you stare blankly at the ground, at the dark carpet, covered in stains from years of spilled soda and buttery popcorn. Why you ever thought he would be interested in you as more than just a friend, you could no longer remember. You were just some stupid Northside girl, you grew up in a sheltered life, you had a loving family who did everything to protect you. Until this year the worst thing you had experienced was your parents divorce.

“Do you really hate the movie this much?” Sweet Pea asks, chuckling as he sits down beside you. You look at the large space he leaves between you two, sighing to yourself.

You turn your attention to him, leaning against the wall that the bench was pushed against. “Well I don’t love it.”

“Are you alright?”

You nod quickly, “yeah, I’m fine.” You fiddle with a loose thread on the seam of your jeans as a silence comes over the two of you. “You can go back and watch the movie, I’m just going to stay here for a few more minutes.”

“It’s not a very good movie,” Sweet Pea says, and you laugh quietly, staring across the lobby as Sweet Pea sits beside you doing the same thing. “Did I like, I don’t know, upset you when I touched you?” Sweet Pea’s voice is quiet and nervous, so unlike the way you recognized him.

“No,” you say quickly, leaning forward and turning your body towards him. The last thing you wanted was for you to be putting your anxieties onto him. You had to figure out your feelings, without dragging him into the mess of it all. “No, you didn’t.”

Sweet Pea nods still focused on something across the lobby. Or maybe focused on nothing in particular, but he hadn’t turned back to look at you. “Good.”

You nod despite him not looking and feel your cheeks get a little warm as your mind once again wanders back to how attracted you were to him. Your eyes glance down to his hands, resting casually in his lap. To the rings on his fingers, wondering the backstory for each of them, he didn’t seem like the kind of guy to wear rings just for the hell of it. Your eyes travel up his body, his large arms covered in layers of flannel and a very worn-in leather jacket. When you get back to his face Sweet Pea is staring at you, watching you completely check him out in the least discreet way possible. “I probably could have made that less obvious,” you say quietly, needing to say something to break the silence.

Sweet Pea chuckles, shifting closer to you on the bench. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

You swallow nervously, looking at the closing gap on the bench between you and Sweet Pea. “I don’t want to just be some stupid, naïve Northsider to you.”

“What?” Sweet Pea is visibly taken aback at the change in topic and tone. “Where is this coming from?”

“It’s just, you and your friends have so much going on in your lives. So much stuff that I don’t even know the slightest bit about. I grew up in the suburbs, I spent most of my childhood with two parents. My life has just been so safe, so sheltered. The other night, at FP’s party, I just felt so out of place and that’s your life. That’s your world and it’s a world I don’t know how I could ever fit into…as your friend, or something more. I like you. But I get it, I get that I’m just some stupid, helpless Northsider who you had to rescue at that party because I’m so out of my element in your world.”

Sweet Pea looks away from you when you finish talking, you watch him lean forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he runs his palms together anxiously. “I don’t know what to say, Y/N.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. I’d rather you be honest about not feeling the same way towards me.” You tilt your head back, resting it against the wall behind you and staring at the ceiling, noticing the flickering of the light above you, threatening to burn out at any minute.

“That’s not what I meant,” Sweet Pea says, sitting up straighter to look at you.

Leaning away from the wall you look into his eyes, trying to figure out what he did mean then, if he didn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for you.

“I don’t have anything reassuring to say to you. You’re right, we’re nothing alike. But you’re not naïve or helpless.  When you showed up at the Wyrm that night after the fight, that was pretty far from being helpless,” Sweet Pea says pausing as he chuckles quietly, bringing a smile to your face. You really hadn’t considered that to be much of display of bravery, especially not after Fangs recalled it as you showing up looking terrified. But Sweet Pea seemed to recall that evening differently. “And you didn’t need me to rescue you at the party, I did that because I wanted to hang-out with you, not because I thought you were helpless…but you’re right, the Serpents, that’s my life and maybe it is better if you stay away from it.”

You nod slowly before suddenly reaching your hand over and sliding it into his, folding your hands together. You knew you had to do it quickly, before the sudden burst of courage propelling it disappeared. “I don’t want to stay away from you though.”

“Then don’t.”

“Okay,” you state in a matter-of-fact tone, trying to ward off the nerves that were bubbling up.

“Okay,” he repeats with a smirk, his thumb grazing over the back of your hand.

“Maybe we could go on a real date sometime, you know, like without your friends chaperoning it,” you say teasingly, laughing softly.

“How about tomorrow? We could make up for the terrible movie with dinner at Pop’s?”

“It’s a date.”

Three weeks of spending almost every afternoon with Sweet Pea pass easily, almost too easily, all of your previous concerns seeming obsolete. Spending afternoons down by Sweetwater River, throwing rocks into the rapids while Sweet Pea teased you about not being able to throw well. Making out on Sweet Pea’s couch with a movie neither of you really intended to watch playing in the background. Playing one-on-one basketball at the court in the park near Sunnyside Trailer park, which never involved near as much actual playing as it involved making up your own version of the sport, along with rule-breaking amounts of physical contact. Spending hours laying on a blanket in an empty field near your house, staring at the stars and talking about everything and anything you could think about. Sweet Pea somehow was always able to make you happy, no matter how bad a day you had been having.

But the reality of what you two had been doing, sneaking around and keeping your relationship hidden from as many people as possible, came crashing to the forefront with the announcement of Southside High shutting down. It was one thing to hide your relationship from Archie when he never saw you two around each other, it would be another thing entirely to hide it with all of you in the same school. Everything had happened so fast, one day your relationship with Sweet Pea was isolated from the rest of your world and the next morning you were arriving at school knowing everything was going to change.

“We need to talk,” you say to Archie, walking down the sidewalk on your way to school. You had been texting Sweet Pea all morning, worried about this very conversation, but knowing it would be better to tell Archie yourself rather than wait for him to figure it out on his own.

“Okay,” Archie draws the word, eyes narrowing. “What about?”

You swallow hard, your mouth dry as your heart races. “You know who Sweet Pea is, right?”

“Yeah, he was at the house the night of the fight.”

“I know,” you say, watching the sidewalk ahead of you as you walk slowly towards the school.

“How do you know that?”

You shake your head and sigh. You knew you had to do this, that you had no choice but to tell the truth, but you simply didn’t want to face it. “Doesn’t matter, that’s not what I’m trying to tell you. Sweet Pea and I, we’ve been, please don’t get mad, I, we, it’s just…we’ve been like, hanging out.” You almost wince at the way your words come out, choppy and uncertain yet somehow you hadn’t even managed to say what you were trying so hard to communicate.

Archie is silent for a few minutes and you nervously pull on your sleeves, fiddling with them while you wait for some kind of response. “That guy showed up to our house with his gang ready to attack me, Y/N,” Archie exclaims. “How do you even know him?”

“Because you pulled a gun on him, Archie. Don’t forget about that,” you say it too loud and Archie slows down, glancing around him in all directions to ensure nobody was around to have heard what you said. “I met him at FP’s party,” you lie. It wasn’t a hard lie to tell, you had formulated it the night after the movie, when you realized that there was a chance of getting caught and you would need to have a lie ready on the back burner.

“And now you’re friends with him? He’s in a gang, you can’t be around that stuff, you’re going to get yourself in trouble, or hurt, or…worse.”

“Jughead is a Serpent too, we still hang out with him. You were in a street race, Archie. You don’t get to tell me that dating a Serpent is going to get me in trouble when you’re even more involved than I am.”

Archie comes to a complete stop and you’re a few paces ahead when you realize he’s stopped. Turning around you cross your arms over your chest, eyebrows raised as you wait for him to say something warranting a complete halt in your walk to school.

“Dating?” Archie repeats your word, a word that you hadn’t even realized you had used until he was saying it again. You feel your breathing quicken, chest heavy as the intensity of the look in Archie’s eyes fills you with anxiety. “You just said you were hanging out with him, how long have you been dating him?” Archie says, the word dating coming from his mouth filled with disgust.

“We went on our first date a few weeks ago,” you admit, truthfully, because you could no longer find a point in lying or trying to delay telling the truth.

Archie looks away from you, shaking his head. “When were you going to tell me? If they didn’t shut down Southside High would you have just kept this a secret? You can’t be with him, Y/N, he’s dangerous. He’s going to hurt you, or get you hurt.”

“No, he’s not. You don’t even know him, you can’t say those kinds of things.” You take a step away from Archie. “I told you now so that you wouldn’t have to figure it out yourself or hear it from someone else. But I didn’t tell you so you could try and talk me out my feelings for him.” You turn back around, still a few feet ahead of Archie when you continue walking towards the school. Archie doesn’t try to catch up with you, stays standing where he is till you’re far enough ahead that he knew he wouldn’t catch up to you without trying.

Walking into the school you see Veronica standing behind a table in the entranceway, looking around you expectantly. “Y/N, where’s Archie?” The table in front of her is covered in sign up sheets, baskets of school buttons, lanyards, and in true Veronica Lodge fashion, vases of flowers to make it all look more put together.

“He’ll be here soon.” Walking over you look down at the table, everything laid out so perfectly. You absentmindedly run your hand over one of the lanyards, biding yourself some time to think of what to say to her. “I’m dating Sweet Pea, I told Archie so you may as well know now too,” you say bluntly, turning to head to your locker before she could say anything about it.

You stand in front of your locker for much longer than was necessary, rearranging the books on the shelf for no reason aside from wanting to avoid having to resume the conversation with Archie. Eventually you walk towards the entrance of the school, slowly, but in that direction, nonetheless. You wanted to see Sweet Pea, to be around for his first day, but there was a flurry of anxiety about it in your stomach.

You see the crowd of students in the school foyer, but you could tell it wasn’t a crowd waiting to sign up for extracurriculars, it was a crowd to observe the drama that Cheryl Blossom and Reggie Mantle were hoping to stir up. You stop and lean against the wall halfway down the hallway when you hear Archie’s voice telling everyone to put the differences between the North and Southside aside. He was so ready to take that position, as long as it didn’t involve you, but when you were involved then he was acting very differently about it.

Mr.Weatherbee emerges from his office, telling everyone to get to class and dispersing the forming crowd. When you see Sweet Pea headed in your direction you push yourself off of the wall, a smile on your face. Fangs and Toni knew that you and Sweet Pea were dating, it didn’t take much work for them to figure that out after you and Sweet Pea missed half of the movie at the theatre that night and they found you holding hands in the lobby. But Jughead on the other hand, you weren’t sure if he knew or not. You had told Archie, you didn’t know if Sweet Pea had told Jughead.

You walk over to Sweet Pea, noticing the anger on his face. You had missed something, something that happened before Archie’s declaration to put differences aside. But you were determined to do what you could to make the day better. “Hey,” you say, looking over at Jughead who smiles in the way that makes you aware that he knows. Maybe he figured it out at FP’s party, watching you give Sweet Pea your phone number, maybe someone told him. Either way, it was a relief knowing that it was one less person to inform.

“Hi.” Sweet Pea reaches over and takes your hand without hesitation, making your cheeks warm up a little. Spending so long developing your relationship in secret made holding hands in a hallway full of people feel so incredibly unusual. But there was a level of validation to it, that you were together regardless of the ongoing tensions in the town, in this school hallway, between the Northside and Southside. “Your school’s really welcoming,” he comments sarcastically.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” you say softly, smiling at him for a moment before looking over at Toni, Fangs, and Jughead. “I’m glad you’re all here,” you add quickly.

“Y/N,” Archie’s voice calls from the hallway behind you and you unconsciously squeeze Sweet Pea’s hand tighter as anxiety fills your body.

“Did you tell him?” Sweet Pea asks as you stop walking, Sweet Pea stopping with you as his friends continue on their way to their classes.

“Yeah,” you say quietly and turn around, keeping your hand in Sweet Pea’s hand as you watch Archie jog over.

Archie’s eyes are immediately drawn to your hand connected with Sweet Pea’s, his jaw clenching at the sight. His chest heaves with an unnaturally large breath before he finally says anything. “We need to finish the conversation we were having before.”

You keep yourself as steady as you can, as unaffected by Archie’s obvious anger as you can manage. “Okay.”

Archie looks up to Sweet Pea for a second before turning his focus back onto you, gesturing to the edge of the hallway. You knew what he wanted, to talk to you away from the presence of the very person he wanted to talk to you about. But if he wanted to say something about Sweet Pea, about the Serpents, you weren’t going to make it easier on him. “What else did you have to say, Archie?”

Archie doesn’t respond immediately, looking around the hallway. There was no shortage of stares as students walked down the hallway, intrigued by the situation unfolding. “You need to at least not be so obvious about it,” Archie’s nods to your hand, still linked with Sweet Pea’s. “I don’t want you to get pulled into anything Reggie and Cheryl plan on doing.”

You can feel Sweet Pea watching you, that feeling you get when you know someone is staring without needing to actually see it. You run your thumb across his hand reassuringly. “That’s not going to happen, Archie. I’m not going to let them scare me into staying away from someone I care about, because that’s exactly what they want.”

“I’m just looking out for you, you have a perfect school record, don’t mess that up. Dad would-“

You cut Archie off before he has the chance to say anymore. The coolness of your façade starting to waver as anger eats away at it. “No, Archie. Don’t try and blame dad for your feelings. You know he wouldn’t be nearly as critical about this as you are.”

“Because he doesn’t know about the fight, doesn’t know that you’re dating a guy who brought his gang to our house,” Archie’s tone is hushed, but his hands are gesturing wildly, telling the story of his anger clearer than his tone.

“You’re right, he doesn’t know about that. But he doesn’t know about the gun, either. Step off the pedestal, Archie, you lost your moral high ground months ago,” you say quietly, stepping closer to him in hopes that nobody around would hear you mentioning the gun. “We’ve finished this conversation now.”

“Come on, let’s go find your class, can’t be late on your first day,” you say to Sweet Pea, looking up at him. You notice the smug smile on his face as he stares at Archie and before either of them has a chance to do or say anything to each other you pull on Sweet Pea’s hand, guiding him along with you and away from where Archie was standing, routed in place with a mixture of shock and anger.

The day goes by slowly, filling you with more and more anxiety until the final bell rings. The first day for the new students was officially done, it hadn’t gone well, but you hoped that meant it could only get better from here.

“Are you busy now?” Sweet Pea asks, walking up from behind you in the hallway as you put your books in your locker. His arms wrap around your waist, watching you arranging your textbooks in your locker.  

You shuffle closer to him, pressing your back flush against his body to give yourself space to close your locker door. “Not unless I’m busy with you,” you say, turning around to face him.

Sweet Pea’s hands rest on your hips, the corners of his lips curling into a smile. “Good, let’s get out of this place.”

“I know it hasn’t been a great day, but it’ll get better,” you say, smiling gently and leaning up to kiss him. “Nobody will be able to resist your cute face for long.”

Sweet Pea chuckles and reaches over, taking your hand in his and walking down the hallway beside you. His Southside Serpent jacket was in his other hand now that Weatherbee was on the hunt to take down anyone wearing gang paraphernalia. “Are things going to be okay for you at home now that Archie knows about this?”

“He’ll just have to get over it.” You walk through the door that Sweet Pea pushes open, holding it for you before following you outside. “How was your class? Are you working on the same stuff you were at Southside High?”

Sweet Pea wraps his arm around your waist as he takes up his spot walking beside you again, the door falling shut behind the two of you. “Pretty much, just in much nicer classrooms with textbooks that aren’t held together with duct tape.”

You laugh softly, glancing up at him. You hadn’t realized it was possible to be as happy as you were about a high school getting shut down. Things felt entirely normal with Sweet Pea for the first time. You wouldn’t have to lie to Archie anymore. You could walk around holding hands, didn’t have to avoid hanging out places that Archie might go. You were talking about classes, about school, and maybe that was boring, but they were completely normal things to talk about. You couldn’t deny the comfort that the normality brought you, the happiness that being with Sweet Pea without worrying about what Archie would do. Things felt like they would be okay.

Thank-you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, even if the ending wasn’t great.

Tags: @gruffle1 @sweetpeasbabydoll  @lydiasobrien

[cami-chats]

Aberrant

Fandom: Marvel

Pairings: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes

Warnings: Brief violence (on giant insects, not humans) and mild panic of suffocating 

It seemed like mutants and superheroes were everywhere these days, but sometimes there were moments when Tony was reminded. By Howard. Loudly and often. Tony was unprotected outside of the suit and didn’t have a healing factor, so he needed to be careful! He was a sitting duck and there were countless people that wanted to hurt Howard, Tony, and/or Stark Industries. That’s why it was vital no one know who was inside the Iron Man armor-- according to Howard at least.

Tony thought it was bullshit personally. He was about ready to pull off the helmet in full view of the other Avengers and pretend it was an accident just so he didn’t have to lie anymore.

Tony was perfectly capable of protecting himself even without the full suit on, but no one believed that. Howard sure as fuck didn’t, Happy didn’t, and Rhodey and Pepper didn’t. And all four of them knew he was Iron Man.

Whatever. He’d show them. He was working in his ‘shop on a watch that could turn into a repulsor. Right now the biggest problem was size versus power. If it was small enough to be discreet, its power was negligible, and if it had the desired power, it was bulky. He reached for his coffee cup only to find it empty. He glared at the bottom of it and headed to the nearest coffee machine, which happened to be on the Avengers’ floor.

They probably wouldn’t mind, but he did peek around the corner before entering the kitchen. Iron Man was definitely welcome here, but Tony Stark was more iffy.

He didn’t realize he was tired until he tried to start the coffee machine without putting coffee grounds in it first. “That’s not right,” he said, looking at the machine with a frown.

“Grounds are to the right of the microwave,” Bucky said. Tony whirled around and saw him leaning against the door frame. He was in boxers and nothing else, so Tony turned back to the machine before he could do something embarrassing like pop a stiffy.

Then he frowned, because the microwave wasn’t where he was expecting it to be.

“Left,” Bucky provided helpfully.

Tony looked left. “Oh.” He walked over and opened the cabinet, and there was all the coffee paraphernalia like a blessing from the gods. “You are an angel and I love you.”

Bucky choked on air, and when Tony glanced at him, his blush was traveling down his chest.

“Would you believe me if I said I was talking to the coffee?” he tried.

Bucky laughed, still red in the face and other places. “Maybe. I know that’s an old relationship, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of true love.”

Tony snorted. “I’m pretty sure if you gave me a chance I’d fall in love with you.” Then he froze. “Uh. Sorry. I’ve been- uh, working. Working on a watch. For a while, like a long time, like at least fifteen hours. I tend to talk. I just talk and talk and talk until someone stops me so now would be a good time to tell me to shut up.”

“You still haven’t started your coffee.”

“See? That.” Tony pointed at him-- or at least in his general direction because he was looking at the coffee machine now, hands going through the motions he’d done a thousand times. “That right there is why you’re a hero.”

Bucky nodded. “All good heroes bring the coffee.” He cleared his throat then asked, “Would you like to go on a date? Uh- with me?”  

Tony dropped the bag of grounds-- thankfully closed-- and squeaked out, “What! You- Bucky, you- oh dear Tesla this can’t be happening.” He turned towards Bucky, hands pressed together in some vague attempt to center himself. “You are not interested in me.”

Bucky blinked, then frowned. “Yes I am. I don’t think this is the kind of thing you can debate.”

“Watch me,” he said, turning back to the counter and putting the bag away. In the background, the coffee maker started humming.

“Tony… you can just say no. You know that, right?”

“I don’t want to say no! Have you met you? You’re the perfect man. And because you are so perfect, I am not going to let you make a mistake like this.”

“A mistake like going on a date with you? C’mon Tony, what’s one date going to do? If you’re as terrible as you seem to think you are, I’ll figure it out pretty quick.”

“I am so going to regret this,” he said, but he was smiling, so Bucky didn’t take it personally.

3 months later

“Iron Man, you’ve got incoming four o’clock,” Clint said over the comms.

“Copy that.”

He kicked the last giant bug in the thorax-- causing it to squeal and crumple and die-- and turned, hands up and repulsors ready. Holy shit. “Next time tell me how many,” he growled. A goddamn throng was coming at him, and okay for a giant version of something they were pretty small, only the size of beagles. But a hundred flying beagles would be pretty terrifying, and at least they were cute.

Aiming seemed a useless exercise once they circled, so he didn’t really bother. Carcasses started piling up, and they were all swarming around him. There were too many of them, way too fucking many. He could barely move his arms and they started biting at the armor.

He put full power to the thrusters and jetted away from the horde, a handful of them dying in the blast, but an unfortunate amount getting dragged along with him. He aimed both hands at where most of the group still was and let out a beam, and it worked pretty well-- he thought-- until he saw that only the outside layer had been affected.

“I could use some help here,” Tony said mildly. “Anybody got bug bomb on hand?”

“Not yet, Shellhead,” Steve replied with a grunt.

“What about grenades?”

“I’ve got some. Headed your way.”

“Bucky!” Steve said, scandalized.

“Code names only on comms,” Nat teased. “Go help out the Tin Man before he looks like a crushed can.”

Tony shuddered. “Thanks for the imagery.” And thank that one asshole bug in particular that tried to take a bite from his ribs and successfully dented it.

“You know,” Clint said in a conversational tone, “with you being the Widow and all, shouldn’t you be the main player here? What happened to web spinning, miss spider?”

“Call Spiderman if you want that so badly,” she replied. “Clear here.”

“Go help Iron Man,” Steve said, back in his Cap voice.

A thousand giant bug corpses later, Tony looked down at the armor as the team was climbing on the quinjet and groaned. The metal was already pricking his head and ribs, making it hard to breathe and get his head on straight. “Howard’s gonna kill me.”

“The armor’s been through worse than this,” Steve said, giving the suit a confused once over like he’d missed something. In Steve’s defense, he’d gotten hit on the head and currently looked a lot more like a golden retriever than he usually did.

The rest of them blinked at him in dumbfounded surprise as they sat down.

“Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“I thought Tony took care of the suit,” Bucky said with a frown.

“Your boyfriend does indeed, take care of the suit.”

“Then why would Howard kill you?” Steve asked.

“He doesn’t like when the suit gets crushed because it tends to crush me. Then he won’t shut up about it for the next two weeks while he tells me he can find someone else to operate the suit.”

Clint called from the pilot’s seat, “Everyone onboard?” When he received various confirmations, he started the lift off sequence. “And can someone explain what’s happening with Iron Man? Cause I’m confused.”

“Howard has strong feelings about his wellbeing, apparently,” Nat informed him. “You know Iron Man, if you told us who you were, we wouldn’t have to speculate.”

“Don’t pressure him,” Steve mumbled, leaning his head against the wall behind him.

“I’m not pressuring him, I’m just stating a fact.”

“You assume knowing my identity would explain why Howard cares.”

“What happened to ‘Mister Stark’ this and ‘Mister Stark’ that?” Bruce asked, then shook his head. “Kids these days, no respect.”

“I’m not a kid,” Tony said.

“Sounds like something a kid would say,” Bruce said.

“You do like Spiderman quite a bit,” Nat said, a speculative gleam in her eye. “Are you maybe best friends?”

“But why would Howard care?” Clint asked. Tony wanted to curse at how easy it was to hear him. Next time, he’d make the cockpit completely removed from everyone else. It would take some effort to convince Howard it was a good upgrade, but he’d manage.

“He’s real protective of Tony,” Bucky offered. When Nat looked at him, he shrugged. “Maybe it’s a ‘this person is the same age as my child’ thing.”

“Can we drop this already?” Tony asked, and he was endlessly grateful that the voice modifier conveyed how serious he was.

Nat stuck her tongue out at him and muttered something about him being a spoilsport, but they all dropped it and she joined Clint up front. Bucky looked deep in thought, so Tony didn’t try to strike up conversation. He wanted to though, because whatever he was thinking about, it didn’t appear happy.

When they got to the Tower, Tony went to the shop, took off the armor, then went to his room. He’d deal with it tomorrow. He changed into sweats and wondered if he could risk calling Bucky. Before he could come to a decision, his phone started ringing. “Hello?”

“Hey doll.”

Tony smiled. Looks like that decision was made. “Hey. What’s up?”

“You busy?”

“Not at all.”

“Mind if I come over?”

“I’d love it. I’m in my room, by the way.”

“Oh,” Bucky said, sounding surprised. That was fair; half the time when Tony said he wasn’t busy he actually was. “Yeah I’ll be right there.”

Tony looked down at his phone to make sure he’d hung up. “Love you,” he whispered, then closed his eyes because when had he gotten so pathetic? Well pathetic or not, he was looking forward to cuddling with Bucky. It was one of the only reasons Tony was happy he was short, because he fit so nicely in Bucky’s arms.

But when Bucky walked in, he looked serious, and not the kind of serious where he’d want to snuggle down and talk it out. More like the time they had their first fight about when it was acceptable to be jealous.

“Something wrong?” Tony asked. Best to get it over with and not force Bucky to come up with a segue.

“Not… wrong,” he hedged. Okay, so something was extremely wrong. In any other situation, Tony would either be cuddled up to him or going down on him. It’s not his fault that Bucky looked so sexy in comfy clothes.

“Right,” Tony said, making sure Bucky knew he was unconvinced.

“What are you doing with your life?”

Tony blinked, taken aback. “What?”

“What are you doing here? You’re designing a few things for Stark Industries, and you take care of the Iron Man armor, but what else?”

Tony couldn’t stop the hurt that wrapped around his chest. As if the poor thing hadn’t been through enough today in a partially crushed chest piece. “I work a lot, Bucky. I know I’m not doing anything right this second, but I deserve a day off every once in a while.”

Bucky rubbed at his forehead. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what the fuck did you mean?”

“I meant- Christ, Tony, you’re always talking about how you want to go back to college. You have a whole list of things you want to do, and you’re just sitting here and for what? For fuck’s sake the prince of Wakanda invited you to their country! We don’t need you here, Tony, you should go.”

“You don’t need me,” Tony repeated, tears gathering in his eyes.

Bucky clenched his jaw. “I care about you Tony. I want you to go because it will be good for you.”

“Good for me? It wouldn’t fucking be good for me, and it wouldn’t be good for you either. It wouldn’t be good for anyone! You know why?” He wrenched his shirt up and scratched his skin for the edge of the arc reactor cover. “Because you may not need me, but you sure as fuck need Iron Man.” He threw the synthetic skin at Bucky’s chest, noting his stunned expression with grim satisfaction. The arc reactor was glowing through his shirt when he dropped it down, and even though Bucky was staring at it now, he didn’t feel the need to protect it. It didn’t stop him from crying. “And you know what, asshole? There are easier, less dickish ways to break up with someone, so shut up and get out.”

Bucky did so without saying another word.

Tony collapsed on his bed, sobbing into his pillow as he hugged it. When he finally stopped, he was miserable. His face was sticky, and he had a crying headache on top of the usual ache of a fight.

A gentle knock sounded on his door.

He groaned but rolled out of bed and walked over. He cleared his throat as quietly as he could to get his voice back to normal and asked, “Who is it?”

“It’s Bucky.”

Tony was comforted that he sounded apologetic. He opened the door, peering up at him hesitantly. Bucky looked small, like he’d thought about it and felt bad. He took a deep breath and firmly told himself he was not going to jump to conclusions. If Bucky said he was sorry, that was one thing-- a very good, perfect thing that Tony really hoped he did. “What.”

“Can I come in?”

“That depends. Are you going to tell me I should leave again?”

Bucky winced. “No, I- I just need to talk to you.”

Tony opened the door wider for him. Bucky walked through, and Tony shut it behind him. They both stayed close to the doorway, as if anticipating the hard left turn it could take. “Okay. Talk.”

“I’m sorry. For- Jesus. I meant to tell you that I understand you have dreams, and it’s okay if you wanted to chase after them. And-” he winced again “-when I said we don’t need you, I meant that we’d survive without you. I’d miss you like my left arm honey, but I didn’t want you to think that you couldn’t go because of me, or anyone else. Does- does that make sense?”

“You said it in the worst possible way last time.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Bucky said, and he looked like he meant it-- not that Bucky made a habit of lying to Tony. “Sweetheart, I want you to be happy. And it- seems like you aren’t.”

“I’m not happy because I’m Iron Man and nobody fucking knows about it.”

“Well,” Bucky smiled weakly, “that certainly makes more sense than any other theory on Iron Man’s identity.”

“You weren’t trying to break up with me were you?”

“No, but- ah, I can see how it looked like that. I-” Bucky stopped. Swallowed. Gave Tony another half-smile. “I probably shouldn’t say that right now. Don’t want you to think that I’m saying it to get out of trouble or some shit. I’m sorry I made you tell me you were Iron Man.”

“I wanted to. I have since before we started dating.”

“Still.”

Tony nodded and walked towards his bed to sit down, breaking the fragile tension. “I never wanted to keep it a secret from the team, but Howard worries, you know?” Tony pat the space beside him in invitation.

“So- you forgive me?” Bucky asked.

Tony shrugged. “I’m getting there.”

Bucky smiled at him and walked over. “I’ll take it. I really am sorry Tony. It felt like you were putting your life on hold for the Avengers, and I didn’t want that for you.”

“I know. And I’ll appreciate that when I stop being scared that you’re trying to get rid of me.”

Bucky put an arm around his shoulders, loose so Tony could push him away if he wanted. “Don’t want to get rid of you darling. Your in-house nightlight’s going to take some getting used to.”

Tony glanced at the arc reactor, then snorted. “I wouldn’t worry about that. I keep it covered around the clock, just in case.” He sighed and leaned into Bucky. “Hey Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“How about next time you have a suggestion for me, you frame it like that? Not coming in and asking me why I’m wasting my life.”

“I didn’t say it exactly like that,” he muttered. Tony pat his thigh, and Bucky rubbed his arm where his hand was resting. “I’ll be better about it in the future.”

“Thanks babe.” He paused. “Hey Buck? I love you.”

[holyhikari]

my thoughts on Bokura no Mirai

click on keep reading if you want to see some good old Digimon-related hysteria!

massive spoilers ahead

First, like I always say, English is not my first language. I’m from Brazil, I speak Portuguese, so my capacity here to describe and discuss what I want is quite limited. Honestly, I should just scream.

☼ Hikari’s inner monologue broke my poor little heart. We were always together. Then there was a couple of smiling Taichi pics, but zero pics where they were actually with each other. It was a great opportunity to maybe show us an Adventure flashback with the Tri art, just like they did with Yamato and Taichi holding hands! 

Their relationship is one of the things I love the most in the Digimon universe, but I often feel Hikari’s side of it may be a result of some negligence towards her character. She deserves more development, both her personality alone and the negative side of her attachment to Taichi; it’s not one-sided, he obviously loves and cares about her just as much, but she is much more defined as a person by it than he is. It’s always onii-chan, onii-chan, onii-chan. Hikari, you’re so much more than Taichi’s little sister. You’re kind, brave, smart, witty and playful and even flirty when you want to be, a great friend, altruistic (although in an unhealthy way)... I see many people complaining Hikari has no personality, and her wasted potential will always make me sad.

EDIT: I’LL PROBABLY NEVER FORGIVE YOU, ONII-CHAN. 

HOLY SHIT.

☼ Odaiba appearing in the sky like in Adventure!!! It made me so happy!

☼ Not gonna lie, I thought Sora and Yamato were going to hug each other. But the world is cold and does not give me what I need. @Toei you coward where’s my proper Sorato moment with a confession/kiss? But it was a great anyway, their interactions are gold. I love how everyone just keeps going and lets them behind to have their private talk. And PiyomoN GODS PIYOMON  now please have a look at one of the pretties screenshots I took from my beautiful, crying daughter that I want to hug all the time

Taichi wouldn’t die, would he?

☼ Look, a conveniently empty and dark corner yay!!!

☼ I lost it when Mimi started crying. Finally! If I were them, I’d be crying a long time ago.Why Isn’t Koromon crying, though? Can he feel Taichi is alive? ANOTHER FOOD JOKE? WHY  I accept this utter beauty as an apology, Tentomon you’re doing great sweetie keep it up I love you

☼ AAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

  ☼ GABUMON AND YAMATO ARE SO PRECIOUS I WANT TO EXPLODE they are, alongside Jyou and Gomamon, my favorite partner-digimon duo. I want a Gabumon for me. Seriously. When you become a grandpa, I’ll take a walk with you. This made me so emotional. I’m now thinking about old, gray Chosen Children with their grandchildren. It feels bittersweet.

☼ Agumon’s shout when they were about to attack Ordinemon gave me chills. By the way, look at Ordinemon. Just look. Why would you attack her? She’s beautiful. She’s destroying the world, sure, but she’s great at it and I support her okay

☼Daigo... that’s, like, a lot of blood. You’re gonna die, buddy. Himewaka’s story with her partner... it makes me feel... things... and cry,..,,, fuck,,,,,,,, I cannot stay mad at her.... 

☼ have you seen silhouettes so beautiful you started crying MY CHILDREN! THERE THEY ARE! AND GENNAI TOO APPARENTLY. WHEN TAICHI SAID DAISUKE’S NAME..... MY CROPS HAVE BEEN WATERED...

☼ WHAT DO YOU MEAN TAICHI AND THE OTHERS DIDN’T KNEW THEY WERE MISSING  what what hwathwhaaaaat HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE

If you gaze long an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. 

☼ rip Daigo, I loved his speech and the explosion scene was delivered perfectly. I want to honor his memory somehow. tHE HAND THO  ;-;

☼ KOUSHIROOOOOO!

☼ SUCH A PAINED EXPRESSION ON MY PRECIOUS CHILD’S FACE IS NOT TO BE ALLOWED

I want to disappear, too.

Can someone please, please hold me? Speaking of holding......

HOHHOHO~ THAT’S NICE CAN I HAVE MORE

I FEEL ALIVE IN THIS VERY GOOD DAY

☼ please look at this very important screenshot of Mimi holding onto Sora

☼ I loved the parallel between Yamato and Gabumon, both taking the lead.

☼ THE PEOPLE IN THE HELICOPTERS GOING TOWARDS ORDINEMON I HATE THIS LMAO WHO IN THEIR SANE MIND WOULD DO THIS 

☼ HolyAngemon fucking shit up is my aesthetic 

 The ill-omended goddess, summoner of destruction. [,,,] You’re the one who gave us chance to destroy whis world. 

☼ Devimon versus HolyAngemon was a GREAT DETAIL TO ADD AND MY HEART HURT AND I SCREAMED BECAUSE I THOUGHT DEVIMON WAS GOING STRAIGHT TO TAKERU

☼ HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH

he didn’t even show his face and I’m DYING what is this movie DOING TO ME

☼ These few yet terrifying seconds when Togemon was practically alone against Ordinemon... it’s like a baby trying to fight an army. I laughed. And hey! The Digimon helping each other during battle! YES!

☼ Yamato’s characterization was so on point in this movie @toei good job

☼ please now look at this beautiful screenshot 

☼ F I N A L L Y

☼ HIKARI AND TAILMON’S REUNION IN THE OCEAN WAS BY FAR MY FAVORITE SCENE

☼ HOLY SHIT, NO, THAT WAS MY FAVORITE SCENE 

actually, I hate this scene as much as I love it. Taichi what’s wrong with you

he rejected Hikari’s hand on his shoulder who are you AAAAAA???? who ARE YOU THIS ISN’T THEIR RELATIONSHIP AT ALL I AM SO CONFLICTED AND HURT TOEI WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THEM 

I need someone to talk to me about this. I am going insane.

☼ Omnimon gets an upgrade and surprises no one. It’s so pretty though. BY THE POWER OF THE RAINBOW

☼ this is so gay. DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS GAY

☼ fuck FUCK FUCK THIS MOVIE I AM CRYING AND I CAN’T STOP 

My first NOTP in my life was Klance. Meiko x Taichi, congratulations on being the second.

I can’t. I’m done. This was the best movie. This was the worst movie. And there’s totally going to get a sequel. I can wait, for now. I need rest.

[bleedingcoffee42]

"i prefer blondes honestly" royai? i feel like it calls for it very obviously, yet your writing always takes an unexpected turn that leaves me pleasantly surprised

Did you say a Gentlemen PreferBlondes AU?  No?  Ooops, here is that unexpected turn.  

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Roy Mustang had been a privatedetective long enough to never be surprised by what rich people wouldspend their money on.   He could have gone to college, maybe joinedthe military, but growing up in his Mother’s bar had shown him therewas a much more lucrative and mentally engaging career out there forhim and it was in private investigations.   He had a way of thinkingthat allowed him to see connections that most people would miss andhe could fit in in any situation which made him a perfect candidatefor the job.   This particular job, however, was going to be a wasteof his intelligence but certainly paid enough to be worth his time.    He took a moment to finally sit down in the chair opposite of Mr.Armstrong’s desk and accept the offer.  “I’ll take the case.”

Thaddeus Armstrong breathed a sigh ofrelief.   “Thank you Mr. Mustang, I know you are discreet andcareful about your work.  I hope my reservations about Miss Catalinaare wrong, but you do understand how I can not risk my son or theArmstrong family being ruined by a gold-digger.”

Roy gave an understanding nod that didnot betray his real thoughts.  He always found amusement in theridiculous lines people came up with when they explained theirreasoning for hiring him.   The truth here was that the Armstrongfamily wanted Alex Armstrong’s fiance gone, and if that meantbreaking Alex’s heart by showing him pictures of her deception orforcing him to tears listening to recordings of her confessing thatshe was interested in money not love��.well they would be here tocomfort him and only occasionally say ‘I told you so’.  That was noneof his concern though.   “Please tell me as much background as youcan.”

“Rebecca Catalina is a showgirl.” Thaddeus said with a heavy sigh.  “Sings, dances….lets rich menbuy her things.   My son fell head over heels in love with her.  Proposed.   They are planning to wed in Aquroya and I have managed todetain him for business here in Central for a few days.  His fiancewill go ahead and ensure plans are in place for the wedding.   He hasgiven her a blank check and I…am ashamed I have raised such a blindfool.”

Roy nodded.   “She will be travelingalone?”

“No, she will travel with her bestfriend and maid of honor.  The girl who sings and dances with her inthe show.   Her name is  Riza.”  Armstrong said.  “They leave onthe train tomorrow using my Pullman car as their own.  Mr. Mustang Ineed you to watch Rebecca and report to me her loyalty to my son andher intentions if she will divulge them.  Please sir, the wedding isthis weekend, so I need quick results.”

Roy watched the man pull an envelopefrom his desk drawer.  “Yes, sir.”

xxxxxxx

Roy was not disappointed in the leastby the amount of activity on the train.   Rebecca was in fullcelebration mode, buying rounds and keeping the dining car livelyfrom the minute the train left the station.   He was worried thiswould be a difficult job, that she would have enough sense to keepherself hidden away in the private car, but he was rather fortunatethat she was not inclined to be quiet about her upcoming nuptials. He was glad he got a seat early as the train car was packed tocapacity within a hour of her ‘open bar’ announcement.  

He sat in earshot of the bar for hours.  Rebecca showed off her ring, talked about her dress and finallyflirted a little bit too much with a very married man by the name ofYoki who owned a diamond mine out East.   It was bad enough the man’swife pulled him away and out of the car, but he could see the glintin Yoki’s eye and the not so subtle wave that said he was far fromdone with their conversation about the rock on her finger.  

He had yet to determine if Rebecca wassimply a flirt or was the loose woman the Armstrong family feared shewas.    It was, however, quite the show as the girl was loud and thelife of the party.   He was also apparently going to get a free showas someone brought in a record of a song the showgirl happened to bea fan of.  She called her friend Riza over, shouting above the hum ofthe crowd for her friend to join her on the bar for a show.

Roy leaned back and wondered how thiswas going to go as these two ladies danced on a bar on a movingtrain.   The crowd however was thrilled and took their seats, clearedthe way for these girls to put on some impromptu number in thecrowded car and they were not disappointed.   Rebecca entered fromthe head of the train and her friend Riza from the back.  They sang asong that had been wildly popular this year called “Again” asthey walked down the aisle towards each other.  Roy found himselfentranced, they were exceptionally good at what they did.   They sangin harmony, advanced towards each other with perfect strides and metin the middle during a key part of the song…then separated to dancewhile they sang towards either end of the bar.   With practicedprecision and elegance he couldn’t quite comprehend from two ladieswearing high heels steeping up chairs and bar stools, they finallyreached the bar-top and the real show began.

Roy found himself not paying attentionto Rebecca anymore, but to her friend.   He always did prefer blonds,honestly, but that was not what he found so incredibly attractiveabout her.   Despite being in a  profession that required him toscrutinize emotions and motives, he couldn’t think beyond the factthat she was beautiful and athletic and made him shift uncomfortablyin his seat when she took her hair out of that hair clip and threw itinto the audience.   At least he could think clearly enough to goover and pick it up out of the aisle so he could give it back to her. Or not think clearly at all because the worst thing he coulddo was be noticed by these two when he was working a case.

The song ended and the car erupted inapplause and whistling.  Roy held the hair clip and realized it wastoo late to turn back now.  Perhaps he could use this as a way to getcloser to the girls which would help him get recordings if needed. Photo opportunities on the train car would be difficult.   He waitedfor a little while, another round of shots for the crowd courtesy ofRebecca, and he saw the other girl trying to find her way back to atable.  He stood up and got her attention.  “Miss, I believe thisis yours.”

Riza smiled at him, he was handsome andlooked like he wasn’t even trying hard to look that good: Messy hairthat almost covered those intoxicating dark eyes, and pinchablecheeks.  She hoped he would be the one to pick the clip up.   “Thankyou.”

“I’m Roy.”  He said and waved tothe empty seat opposite him.   “Would you join me for something toeat? I’d offer to buy you a drink but it looks like your friend hasthat covered.”

“I’d love to.”  Riza smiled and puther hair up before taking a seat.   He had ordered appetizers and shewas starving.  Rebecca was like a whirlwind normally, it only gotworse when she was excited about an upcoming event.   There was notime for necessities.  

“So what’s the occasion?”  Royasked and watched her pick out a mozzarella stick from his plate.  

“My friend is getting married.” Riza said.  “This weekend.”

“Usually you outsource the dancing ata bachelorette party.”  Roy said.  “Incredible dancing by theway, I had my doubts about your stability in a moving train car.”

Riza smiled.   “Occupational hazard Iguess, why let someone else have the fun?”

“Is  that what you do for a living?” Roy asked and she answered without any shame, she was quite contentwith her life choices.  He liked that in a girl.

“Yes, we have a show at the GrandHotel..”  Riza said and tried a fried dough ball.   “I should saywe are the show.”

“Yeah, the Grand is a little above mypay grade.” He said.  

“And what do you do Mr. Mustang?” She asked.

“I’m a journalist.”  He answered. It was his standard response.  It was close to what he did and itgave him a reason for watching, studying and traveling.  

Riza was amazed that she could behaving a normal conversation with a man only five minutes after shehad danced on a bar top.  Most men would have already been implyingthey were interested in a private showing, maybe this one just took alittle longer to get around to that.  Too early to get her hopes up.  “Are you heading to East City to cover the Olympics?   I wastalking with those gentlemen over there who are on their way to somequalifiers for track and field.”

Roy turned around and looked at the menin question.  God.  They were all buff and ready to explode out oftheir shirts.   He hoped that wasn’t her type.  He had nice abs, butwas a long way from having biceps that could lift this train car offit’s tracks.  “Uh, no.  I’m going to Aquroya for a travel pieceabout the sinking city.”

“Really, that’s where my friend isgoing for her wedding!”  Riza said and leaned over to whisper. “I’m having to plan this for her without much preparation.  If youknow something about the city it would be a great help.   I couldintroduce you to the Olympians over there if you want something thatmight get you published in a better section than Travel.   Mr. Milesand Mr. Scar have some interesting stories. Mr. Havoc has thathometown hero thing going on for him.”

Roy cocked his head.   He liked thatshe knew the value of articles in certain sections of the paper overothers.  That showed promise, it wasn’t common knowledge.  “I’m ona tight deadline, unfortunately, but I appreciate you trying to getme a some attention for a special interest piece versus the travelsection.”

“Least I can do for you saving myhair clip and sharing your food.” She smiled.

“I’d be happy to share my researchwith you about Aquroya, but at this point it’s all places of interestand history that you probably don’t care about.”  He said.  “Ijust realized I didn’t get your name.”

“Riza Hawkeye.”  She said and puther hand out to shake.  “It’s nice to meet you Roy….sorry yourlast name was?”

“Mustang.”  He said and took herhand and gave it a kiss.  He knew she was looking to shake, butthought the added flourish would hit a mark.  He looked up and shewas blushing.  

Riza wasn’t used to being treated likea lady, she was used to being looked down upon for being a showgirl. That was what Rebecca said had really made her think twice aboutAlex, he treated her like a goddess not a dancer.   “I should getback to planning the wedding.  Maybe I’ll see you again at dinner?”

It was Roy’s turn to blush.   “I’dlike that very much.  6 pm?”

“Sounds early enough.  Rebeccaprobably wants to party all night before this train reached it’sdestination.”  Riza stood up.  “I’ll see you tonight Mr.Mustang.”

xxxxxxx

The train made a few stops and he wasable to move around more when it did.  Most stops were in excess oftwenty minutes because of train traffic and passengers woulddisembark to visit the local train depot or vendors to pass the time.  It was at one of these stops when he was able to finally get theinformation he was here for thanks to Yoki, the mine owner.

He knew more about Yoki than Rebecca,mainly because the man was arrogant and a braggart and was trying touse his fortune to woo the pretty young showgirl in the quickestfashion he could.   Time was limited for Yoki since he was on his wayback East and his wife was in their own car, he had to try to makeprogress with Rebecca whenever he could.  It was a good thing Yokihad money because he sure didn’t have tact or a winning personality.

“Oh and in the mines it’s dangerous.“ Yoki played with his mustache.  “Snakes, mine collapse. Terrible.”

The only snake here was him.  Royrolled his eyes as he took out his camera and snapped some shots ofthe train from the windows.  

Rebecca spun the postcard rack andsaid, “That’s terrible.   Something so gorgeous always comes withsuch a heavy cost.”

“At least it’s just snakebites, wehave anti-venom to cure that.”  Yoki said. “In some places theyhave snakes that will wrap around you and crush you.”

Roy moved around and tried to get abetter angle of them.  It wouldn’t surprise him if Yoki offered toshow her the 'snake’ in his pants next.  Rebecca jumped as Yoki ranover and wrapped his arms around her, and Roy snapped the pictures.  

“Squeeze you just like this!”

Rebecca tried to laugh off the attemptto fondle her that was passed off as 'demonstration of python’sability to strangle it’s prey’.  God, like she hadn’t been the victimof that 'snake attack’ before.  Men were so fucking stupid.  

Roy heard the 'all aboard’ and left thedepot with his camera in hand.   He almost ran into Riza and theshock of that, of being almost caught taking an incriminating photoof her best friend, made him look guilty for a split second.   Hecomposed himself and said.  “I’m so sorry!”

Riza looked at the camera. Why did helook guilty?  He was just taking travel pictures. “No I wasn’tlooking where I was going, my apologies Mr. Mustang.”

Roy pointed to the train, “Betterhurry up or you’ll be late to that wedding.”

“I have to get the bride.” Rizasaid and walked into the dept to see Yoki with his arms aroundRebecca and she stormed over. “Train is leaving, we need to go.”

xxxxxxxxxxx

“What do you mean he took pictures ofme?”  Rebecca asked.  “Shit!  I bet Alex’s Dad had him follow me! He’s trying to stop the wedding!”

“Although I would ordinarily shootdown your jump to conclusions, I am inclined to say that is probablythe case.  There is nothing in that town he should be taking photosof because it is a waste of film.”  Riza pinched the bridge of hernose.  “Why are you flirting with that idiot?  WHY?”

“Men are dumb, they’ll just give youthings if they get some attention.”  Rebecca replied honestly. “Diamonds are a girls best friend.”

“You have to stop this, you have tostop manipulating men for gifts.  You’re getting married!”  Rizasat down and sighed.  “If we can figure out how to get that filmback.”

“Get him drunk. Get the film back.” Rebecca said.  “That man likes you.  Bring him back here andsearch him for that film. He’ll have it on him if it’s reallyimportant.”

“Why is this my mission?” Riza asked.  “This is your mess?”

“Because you’re my best friend andI..screwed up.”

“Fine.”  Riza said and closed hereyes.  “I really liked him.”

“Well he’s taking pictures of meand…that’s shady.”

“And you are flirting and lettingsome nasty mine mogul put his hands on you when you are gettingmarried in three days.” Riza said.   “This is exactly whythe Armstrongs are worried about you.  Dammit Rebecca, we’re nothaving to do this to survive anymore.   You have something good,don’t ruin it.”

“Old habits are hard to break.” She replied.   “I promise, I’ll stop.  Please…please get thatfilm back.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“What is with you girls and buyshots?”  Roy asked as he held another round of whiskey in front ofhimself and rubbed his eyes.   He appreciated that he had beeninvited to the private train car for dinner with Riza, skeptical ashe was about her motive, but had quickly been suckered into a cardgame.   He was losing.   Riza was quite the poker player and he wasfinding out she had an incredibly high tolerance for alcohol.  

“It’s part of my job.” Riza saidand put down another winning hand.  “They don’t pay me for singingand dancing, they pay me for bringing in the patrons and encouragingthem to spend money.”

“I get it.”  Roy waved and realizedhe was going to have to drink this as a price to pay for losing ahand.   Why couldn’t it be strip poker? He’d show those damnedOlympians what real abs look like.  “My Mom owns a bar.  I grew upthere.”

“Really?”  Riza asked as he finallydrank and she watched him close his eyes and swallow.   She liked himmore and more, which made it hard for her to follow through with hermission.

“Yes.”  Roy said and put the shotglass down.  “Not as classy as the Grand.  Not as reputable. Christmas’s Bar, every hear of it?”

“Actually I  have.”  Riza said. His Mom owned a brothel?   Dear god, no wonder he wasn’t judgmental. “We send frustrated men there when they learn we’re not for saleand the hotel concierge will arrange for the girls there to visitwith guests.”

“Yes.”  Roy nodded and his headhurt.  “They do that.”

“You look like you need to lay down.”

“Yes.” Roy replied and stood andwobbled a little.  He didn’t even realize Riza was beside him beforeshe took his arm.  “You really are good at cards.”

“You should see me play chess.” Shesaid.  

“God…are you even real?”  Heasked and she helped him over to the couch.  “You’re beautiful,atheltic and smart and I can’t even be mad you lured me here and gotme drunk.”

She put a pillow on the couch andpushed him back onto it.   “You saw though it and still came?”

As she leaned over him and he smiled. God she was beautiful. “I thought you were keeping me busy whileyour friend searched my room.”

“I…knew the film would be valuableand you wouldn’t store it there.” She said and started to friskhim.  She started with his shirt pockets and hated herself forfeeling the muscles underneath and wishing this was on differentterms.  “So who are you really?   Do you work for the socialsection of the paper?”

“No.” Roy replied honestly as sheworked her way down his shirt and he remained powerless to toanything about it.   The alcohol hit him hard.   It was good shit.The Armstrongs didn’t spend money on any less.  Her hands felt nicethough. “I’m a private eye.”

“A dick?” She asked as she ran herhand over his pant pocket and then blushed realizing the doublemeaning behind it all.

“No, that’s on the left.  You’refondling film.”

She put her hand in his pocket andgrabbed the roll of film and leaned closer to him.  His eyes werewatery and glazed over, his breath stank of booze and he looked sohelpless.  “I meant 'Dick’ as in Private detective.”

“Yes, that too.” He replied andtried to move, but knew if he did he’s just get sick.  The alcoholand the movement of the train was not a good combination.  A terriblething to feel while underneath a beautiful woman.  

She palmed the film out and then placeda light kiss on his lips.   “I have to save my best friend.  Thiswill ruin her and it’s not what is happening.”

“She’s lucky to have you watching outfor her.”  He said and closed his eyes to succumb to the effects ofdrinking way too much.

Riza gave him another kiss andwhispered, “I wish would could have been in this position underdifferent circumstances.  I really do like you, Roy Mustang.”

[mockwrites]

⚡ for a muggle au (cassiel x abaddon)

year one.They look a strange bunch, she’s sure — just a small bunch of children and a single father, so she supposes that’s pretty eye-catching, but it’s also the first day of Hogwarts, so she can’t be bothered to care too much about the looks they’re getting. Lucien ruffles his hand through her hair, smiling in that enigmatic way of his, a little worried, a lot sad, and she gets kisses from him and all her other siblings before she boards the train.

It’s hard, finding a place to sit on the train, because children are cruel, because she doesn’t have a mom, because her family has ties to dark magic, because, because, because. She holds her head up high even when they snicker about how she’s named after a demon.

She finds an empty carriage, and tries her best not to cry.

Someone finds their way into it, and they tilt their head at her, curiously silent.

Abaddon snarls at them, because of course she does. “And what the hell do you want? Come to see a death-eater for yourself? I’ll have you know admission is ten galleons at the door, so if you want to keep staring, you better pay up,” she says viciously, like she has any modicum of control, like her cheeks aren’t burning high with shame.

They raise an eyebrow at her and take a seat next to her. “Can’t I just be here for a place to sit?”

She scoffs a laugh. “Sure,” she grins, snapping her teeth together.

Sure enough, they sit down and act like she’s not there at all.

It makes her restless — sure, it sucks when everyone hates her, but she’s not used to no reaction at all. “Hey. Hey,” she emphasizes, pouting.

“What?”

“Are you just going to sit there?”

“Yes.”

“Not even going to try to talk or something?”

“I’m sure you talk enough for both of us.”

“Well,” she says, mulling it over. “That’s fair. Can I at least get a name to go off of?”

They regard her carefully. “Cassiel,” comes the eventual answer.

She grins. “We’re going to be great friends, Cassie. I know it.”

“It’s Cassiel.”

“I know. But Cassie is so much more fun to say. Cassiel is too serious.”

There’s a long suffering sigh.

She keeps grinning, resolves to do everything in her power to keep them.

—

The sorting hat barely grazes her head before it yells out Slytherin, and no one’s surprised. Her robes flash velvet green, and her tie bears silver streaks through the luxurious emerald.

Cassiel gets sorted into Gryffindor, rich reds and golds adorning their robes, and she waves from her seat at the Slytherin table; this makes it even better.

Conflict is so much more fun.

year two.Hogwarts is funny in the way that they purposefully foster vicious house rivalries and proceed to have paired classes. Cassiel has to put up with her in potions, care for magical creatures, and transfiguration.

She’s really quite good at potions — but gets written up nearly every class for “too much flair” and “Abaddon don’t toss your silver knife like that”. Transfiguration is all about pretending you’re something when you’re not, and by any stretch of the imagination, fits her very well.

She’s terrible with magical creatures, though; they all hate her.

In stark contrast, they love Cassiel — something something calming presence, something something respect. Whatever.

She figures 3 classes together isn’t enough, especially because Cassiel hangs around Shibah more often than not… so she decides to start poaching their friends.

Adele is easy to befriend, and Abaddon likes to think that she oft gives the girl a much needed walk on the wild side.

Grace is next, and they get along great because everyone loves Grace, and Abaddon loves the spotlight. (Isaiah just seems like a kind of package deal thing, but he’s fun too. She coaxes him into tickling the giant squid for the hell of it, and he gets a row of tentacle mark bruises. She laughs for a week over that, but expresses remorse to get back into Grace’s… well, good graces.)

The Hufflepuffs are easy to hang around.

Unsurprisingly, Cassiel’s Gryffindor friends don’t like her much.

Either way, they start hanging out more because Abaddon went ahead and inserted herself into their friend group.

She supposes this is the last time Cassiel knows true peace.

year three.“Cassie,” she calls after messing up a spell, snickering. “Cassiel. Cassiel. Look.”

“What?”

“Darling, you’re so hot, I’m burning up,” she grins, brandishing her flaming sleeve like a trophy, nearly burning her cheek.

“Wh- Abaddon, why are you literally on fire?” Cassiel asks rhetorically, quickly summoning up some water and putting it out.

“Well,” she sighs happily, examining her smoking sleeve. “I think I’m a little burned. Kiss it better?”

Cassiel glares at her.

“God, it’s just a joke. You Gryffindors really need to touch up on your humor-“

Cassiel reels her in by her tie and kisses her solidly, pulling back with a self-satisfied “there”, and walks off before Abaddon can get her brain functioning again.

—

For the most part, nothing changes. Abaddon’s still an outrageous flirt, talking herself into and out of sticky situations in equal measure… and Cassiel endures.

But something must’ve changed, because they get looks when she maybe says things that are deemed a little too much and Cassiel just purses their lips in amusement and annoyance.

Grace notices something different, and seems to take it upon herself to set them up as much as humanly possible, because Abaddon starts noticing she gets more invites and definitely gets coincidentally squished as close as possible to Cassiel.

Grace Lowery, you really are a force of nature.

Abaddon steals a Gryffindor tie and a Hufflepuff tie so she can sit at their tables whenever she so pleases.

Yes, both Cassiel and Grace have to buy new ties.

year four.She joins the quidditch team and is one hell of a chaser. Something about being unpredictable in nature makes the whole predicting and saving her shots really quite difficult.

Cassiel joins the Gryffindor quidditch team as a keeper and she preens, because it’s inconceivable that the decision wasn’t influenced by her. (It really isn’t, but her ego is big enough to ignore that.)

—

Grace holds up Slytherin banners at her games, so Isaiah gets roped into doing it too.

—

“Hey there darling,” she greets, doing loop-de-loops near Cassiel’s goalposts.

“Abaddon,” comes the terse greeting.

“You’re looking good in your quidditch jersey,” she remarks off-handedly.

Cassiel doesn’t deem her with a response.

“Yeah,” she says, grinning, catching a nice pass. “You look like a real keeper.”

The line is so bad she scores off of it, and Cassiel’s glare promises a thousand retributions.

—

It’s always pretty even between them: Cassiel blocks just as many shots as Abaddon makes.

Evenly matched. Perfectly opposed.

She doesn’t know what else she expects.

year five.She takes up commentating on the matches she doesn’t play in. Professor Thornton probably laughs over and regrets it in equal measure. (In private, of course.)

Well, she’s quite good at commentating Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw.

Any matches Gryffindor plays in is a different story.

—

“Hogwarts,” she greets merrily. “What a beautiful day today! Incomparable to Gryffindor keeper, Cassiel, of course, but it really is lovely today,” she says, and Professor Thornton arches a brow at her in silent warning.

“Anyway, today’s match is Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw — and those blue chasers are something mean, which means Donny is benched. Allstars only, today, Donny boy, sorry. Plus, it’s downright criminal to bench Cassiel’s ass - I mean, it is top shelf.”

A pointed throat clearing gets her back on track.

“We’re off, and Gryffindor chasers lose possession immediately… nice going, Gabriel,” she says, receiving a pointed middle finger from said chaser.

“Sinclair to whoever that is,” she continues. “Streaking down the field… and a magnificent save from an equally excellent keeper. Sorry girls, only I score with — score against — them.

“Have I mentioned how excellent they look in their quidditch reds today? I’m of the opinion those jerseys would look better at the foot of my b-“

“Abaddon.”

“But that’s just me. Play continues with Gryffindor chaser Gabriel making a shot… for once. Surprising. Someone check the sky and tell me if pigs are flying. Actually, I can see for myself, and holy shit, they are. Wait, no, sorry, that’s still Gryffindor chaser Gabe. An honest mistake, Professor Thornton. Promise.”

—

She sneaks her way into Gryffindor’s celebration party afterward, studiously avoiding Gabriel while mixing dangerously colorful drinks all night.

—

People snicker at the oversized red robe she has on the next morning, but she’s too busy nursing a hangover to care. She groans when Cassiel dumps a green one in her lap unceremoniously.

year six.Whoever thought that she should be made a prefect should probably be fired. Or really, promoted, in her opinion.

She laughs so hard she cries when she sees the shiny prefect badge Cassiel bears.

So maybe she messes with the patrol schedules a little, but in her defense, she pleads preemptive self-defense, because she’s 90% sure that Cassiel is the only one who can last through patrols with her without actually hexing her.

Turns out, the patrols they end up on together are a little less productive than they should be.

They get locked into a classroom by Peeves, and no matter how many unlocking charms Cassiel casts, it’s no use. (She wonders if Grace bribed him.)

She, instead of helping, lines up a bunch of desks and lies across them and slings an arm over her eyes.

She can’t actually see what they’re doing, but it’s her personal opinion that they’re probably glaring over at her.

“What?” She asks after an extended silence. “I’m tired.”

“Then sleep.”

“Different type of tired. I’ve been chasing this whole time, Cassie. It’s your turn to think of some fun quips and interesting mischief to get ourselves in.”

“We’re locked in this room.”

“Improvise.”

There’s scraping along the floor and she peeks over curiously. Cassiel lines up some desks and lies there as well.

“Are… you sleeping?”

“I have a test tomorrow.”

She sighs. “We have a whole classroom to ourselves. No one can come in or out.There are so many more interesting things we could be doing right now, honestly.”

“Buy me dinner first, and we’ll see.”

She chokes.

“How’s that for witty quips? I’m going to sleep; don’t talk anymore.”

Abaddon agrees meekly.

—

Professor Thornton is, understandably, not amused to see them in sleeping in her classroom in the morning.

Abaddon leaves like a million cat pictures pilfered from Umbridge in her office later and hopes Professor Thornton gets a kick out of burning them, at least.

year seven.In the last quidditch match of the year, Gabriel gets a particularly vindictive knock on her mid air, and she can see Cassiel taking a nosedive on their broom as she falls. She passes out, but not before seeing them leaning over her, concerned and saying things she can’t make out.

She wakes in the hospital wing, and knows things are broken and still healing, but she storms out in her anger anyway, making her way to the astronomy tower, huffy and violently angry. There are a motley of bruises on her back and her shoulders ache, and every breath she takes only serves to make her angrier.

A fuss is kicked up once the nurse realizes she’s not in the infirmary, and it’s Cassiel that finds her, because of course it is.

She snaps at them when she hears their footsteps in the entrance of the tower. “Get the fuck out of here,” she says, back turned to them.

They settle next to her, instead.

She shoves back at them, ribs and back flaring up in agony when she does. “Why are you still here? Who says I want you here?”

Cassiel doesn’t say anything, but she can see their jaw clench.

“Oh,” she says coldly, laughing cruelly. “Don’t tell me you actually thought there was anything worthwhile between us. Sure, I had fun, but let’s not kid ourselves here,” she hisses, eyes narrowing, tone and words saying leave but every fiber of her being hoping they’ll stay. She can feel their anger at those words, and she shoves at them again because she knows she can’t actually keep them — and figures it’ll hurt less to just make them leave first. Seven years down the drain, but it’s not like they’ll keep contact after they stop being required to, right?

Cassiel punches her.

She instinctively cries out in pain and bites into her tongue, cutting it short, before grinning crazily, bloodily, over at them. “There it is. Finally had enough, right? Stop fucking holding back. Everyone leaves, so just leave now before you actually make me think you’ll stay,” she says weakly as her vision swims.

—

She wakes up in the hospital wing again.

Cassiel is standing guard this time, probably to insure she doesn’t leave her bed again.

“Why are you still here?” She asks, practically begging.

“Does there need to be a reason?”

“Yes,” she breathes. “I’m awful. I’m the worst. Everyone tells me this at least once a day. So why-”

“Yes,” Cassiel cuts across her. “You are something awful, but I’m staying anyway. It’s been seven years; when will you realize I’m not leaving?”

“I hate it when people make promises.”

“It’s not a promise.”

“Then what is it?”

“Just a fact.”

“Our seven years at Hogwarts are gonna be over soon,” she says tentatively, finally getting to the root of the problem.

“Improvise, then,” they shoot back.

[writebethany]

Vega talks to Cat about possibly being in love/having sex/relationships. She feels too awkward talking to her moms about it because even though she knows they love her, she's a teen. What fucking teen wants to tell their parents they want to have sex. Especially when one is a scientist. (Is still desperate to get the presentation of "where babies come from" out of her head) And Kara can't keep her trap shut. So. She goes to Cat. Cat won't tattle.

Previous parts

Vega’s fifteen and in the middle of her sophomore year in high school when her thoughts turn back to relationships and sex. People around her are starting to actually get into the relationship game more seriously now. It’s not the giggling ridiculous two days on before calling it quits thing that it was in middle school. She sees all these people joining up and being happy together and while she thinks she’s not ready for it now, she wants to know more about it. 

There’s only one problem with knowing more, she has no idea who to ask. She could just Google everything she wants to know, it’s not like the internet wouldn’t have the answers she’s looking for, but she would have to weed through a lot of bad advice and just plain fake stories for the truth. Since she has no real clue, that seems like it might do more harm than good. Which leaves asking someone around her for advice.

The first and obvious choice would be her parents, but god, she’s still cringing over that power point her Mom had showed her when she was little and her Ieiu’s knowledge comes mostly from Krypton, which had sexual mores even more archaic than Earth’s so she’s not sure how far she’d get there. And while her Mom flails around sometimes and just plain screws up her Ieiu is the one that’s more likely to freak out in a more…interesting way, so they’re definitely off the table for reasons other than the fact that who in the world wants to talk to their parents about this stuff anyway.

The next is one of her honorary aunts and uncles. Winn is a no because he’s about as awkward as they come, though he did eventually manage to find a nice girl just as nerdy as him, and Vega really does like Lyra, but that was definitely luck on his part and not knowledge. James is a possibility, but while he’s the one who always listens when she needs to talk there’s just something about this that Vega thinks wouldn’t work out. Lucy is the best candidate, but Vega isn’t sure that whatever she says wouldn’t eventually make it back to her Mom, if only by accident. Working at the DEO is stressful and she knows things can slip under those conditions. If she can’t think of anyone else, though, Lucy will be who she goes to. Kara’s never on the table because she’ll tell Vega’s Mom everything out of some worried aunt/sisterly duty. 

But the thought of Kara brings about the thought of Cat. Cat knows pretty much everything and Vega knows that the woman can be trusted with secrets. There are more than a few accidents that she got into with Carter when they were younger that Cat had never told her mothers about because Cat knew her mothers would freak out more than warranted. Not that Cat hadn’t sat them down and explained why what they had done was dangerous and not to do it again, but it had been calm and reasoned, and honestly made Vega feel bad about what they’d done because Cat was disappointed that they weren’t more careful and had stopped her from doing it again more effectively than any rant from her mothers would have. So Cat would give her any answers she wanted and wouldn’t sugar coat them, which, right now, when high school is more than a little confusing with everything, is kind of what Vega wants. 

Vega texts Cat late enough one night that she’s sure the other woman is home from the office. “Hey, Cat, can I ask you a few questions? Um, about relationships?” She agonizes over the words for a long time before just hitting send and hoping.

Cat messages back with all her usual efficiency with a “Come over, there’s an abundance of tacos since Kara is off fighting the villain of the week. The balcony is unlocked.”

Vega quickly changes into the all black outfit that her Mom had mandated every time she went out flying. Once she’d hit high school they’d started to allow her to use her powers sparingly provided Vega followed the rules they set. Flying meant all black and a black face mask so no one could figure out who she was. Honestly, in another couple years when she stopped growing and finished filling out Vega thought that the mask wouldn’t be necessary. She looked so much like her Ieiu that people would just assume Vega was her. But that wasn’t now. And so she slips out of the door after shouting down the hall that she’s going to Aunt Kara’s for a little bit and getting the shouted back ok from her Mom who actually isn’t on whatever mission that Kara is right at the moment. 

Cat’s penthouse is one of the many places that feels like a second home. Vega steps in and goes straight to the kitchen where Cat is plating up what is a really massive quantity of tacos. Vega’s mouth waters. God, she really loves tacos.

“Hi,” Vega says, slipping onto the stool by the island.

Cat shoves the plate of tacos at Vega. “Hello.” She grabs a plate for herself and then grabs them both bottles of water before sitting next to Vega. “So, relationships.” She’s never been one to beat around the bush.

Vega picks up a taco to stall for a second, gathering her thoughts. “Uh, yeah, I guess I just…I’m kind of confused. And I think I want one, but like, not right now, and I don’t even know who I would be with, but.” She shrugs. 

Cat hums. “High school is confusing like that, most definitely.” She laughs, a bit bitter. “Especially when you’re attracted to other girls in an era that isn’t very friendly to such inclinations, but at least this day and age is a little better. A little. Is there anything specific you want to know?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I know enough. Like. I got the whole where babies come from talk from Mom and I just…never again Cat, never again, there was a power point.” Vega stuffs the taco in her face and chews, hoping that the taste soothes the cringing that her soul is doing. It does somewhat.

Cat chuckles at that. “That does sound like your mother.” She takes a bite of her taco thoughtfully. “I think the most important thing to know is that there’s no real right way to have a relationship and that you don’t have to be ready when everyone else is. You can take your time and when you’re ready you can venture into the dating world. No one gets to decide for you.”

Something in Vega does relax at that. She needed to hear that. She didn’t even know she did, but Cat had.

“What is it like, being in a relationship?” Vega asks.

“It depends on the other person you’re with. With Kara it is warm and safe but there’s sparks of excitement. With other people I’ve been with it’s been thrilling like a rollercoaster ride or calm and serene like a lake without a breeze. They were all good for a while for me, but I found that I couldn’t be all excitement or all lazy and relaxed without eventually burning out. For you it could be different. And it won’t always feel great because every couple has disagreements, but as a whole it should be good. If it isn’t, then that’s a sign to leave. You have to support your partner and they have support you back for it to be worthwhile.”

Vega nods at that. That…it makes sense to her in a way that nothing has before about all of this.

“How do you know if you’re even interested in someone like that?” Vega’s had so many problems trying to figure out what were romantic feelings versus just straight platonic. Or more what she wanted to be romantic feelings that just weren’t.

“That’s something else that will be different from person to person. But I can tell you what it feels like for me. It’s, it takes a while for a person to catch my attention like that because I need to feel as if they are my match before I’m ever interested in them. When I finally do see them in that light it’s, there’s this warmth that sits at the bottom of my spine and it radiates outward. It feels like I’m being lit up from the inside. And sometimes that goes nowhere, but when it does, well, sometimes there’s sweaty palms and a thundering heart and maybe a bit of trouble breathing, but I’ll never admit to such cliche symptoms. In all cases, I think you always want to be closer with that person no matter what.”

Vega eats in silence with that information for a while. This is helping, she thinks, but it’s all still so vague, but maybe that’s just the way it is. There’s no exact science to it, but there are some ground rules that everything branched off of. She was only going to know the ground rules until she actually went out and dated herself.

“What about guys versus girls?” She looked away for a second. Vega hadn’t been able to figure that out either. She knew that she found both pretty to look at, that was about it.

“Both are good, at least for me. I didn’t stop being bisexual when I married Kara, nor did she when she married me. We just stopped looking. That’s just another thing that no one can tell you how to feel. If you like boys only fine, girls, ok, both, more the merrier.” Cat snorted. “Though if you want my opinion, at least women can find the damn clit.” She took her empty plate and stood walking over to the sink.

Vega blinked at that for a second, blushing. Well, she supposed that did lead into her next question. “And sex?”

“Sex is…” Cat sighed. “You know I’m not giving you a lot of definite answers here, but it also depends. Sometimes you go out and have a one night stand and it’s good, sometimes you’re in a relationship and it’s terrible. In the right circumstances it’s an experience on another level. You’re joining with the other person and giving and receiving pleasure in the most intimate way possible. It’s a connection that can’t be denied. Bad sex, is one of the most awkward things that will ever happen to you. Then there’s sex that’s just normal. It’s good but it isn’t anything to write home about. And if you don’t want it, that is always fine too. There are other aspects of relationships that are just as fulfilling.”

Cat starts to clean up dinner as Vega finishes up her last taco. “I think everything about relationships and sex boils down to don’t force yourself into something before you’re ready, and when you are ready, be safe about it. And if you have any questions along the way feel free to talk to someone, to talk to me again. God knows I have enough relationship experience it might as well get some use somewhere.” She turns to smile at Vega. “Some of the stories.” She laughs.

Vega smiles at her before getting up and starting to help Cat clean. Somewhere her mothers and preening because look at their daughter and her proper manners. She feels a little less confused now, and more sure that this isn’t something she’s quite ready for yet. So her peers can continue on their way with all the dating and drama that comes with it. She can wait for the good aspects of dating until she’s sure, even if she wouldn’t mind companionship now.

“Thank you,” Vega says, as the last of the dishes is slipped back into the cabinets.

Cat just lays a hand on her shoulder and squeezes. “Of course, darling. Any time, I mean it.”  

next part

[kthyunngg]

I’ll Be There - Part 12

|Part 1| |Part 2| |Part 3| |Part 4| |Part 5| |Part 6| |Part 7| |Part 8| |Part 9| |Part 10| |Part 11| |Part 13| |Part 14| |Part 15| |Epilogue|

Member: Hoseok

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 3725

Summary: You and Hoseok are best friends and just like any story that starts like this, nothing good ever happens. One night when Hoseok is in his drunken state, he says some things that make you reconsider how much worth you actually have in his life.

A/N: Hello, hello! Part 12 c’est ici! I think I’m going to go for a strong 15 parts with this one. Part 12 is mainly fluff imo and it’s quite the change from the regular angsty stuff, so I hope you enjoy Xx 

“Jin—Wait—ugh—No I said no sequins—Ah!”

When you agreed to let Jin and Namjoon take care of your outfit for the party, you didn’t think that you would be signing up for this. You weren’t even fully awake yet, but Jin, he called you at 6:30 in the morning, two days before the party. It didn’t even matter if you were ready to go out yet, he was already at your door with Namjoon waiting in the car. Completely giving up on the idea of looking presentable to the public, you chose to wear jeans and a large sweater; also because Jin just rummaged through your closet and threw the first articles of clothing he could find.

So now here you are, in the heart of the city, going through every single clothing store, boutique, whatever, trying to find the perfect thing for you to wear on the day of the party. Jin insisted that you go for a tight dress to accentuate your body, but you protested strongly against it. Before you agreed to going to the part and letting Namjoon and Jin control, you made it very clear that you want something simple yet beautiful; nothing too extraordinary or beyond your comfort zone.

“What about this one?” Jin holds up a black dress that isn’t tight, but has a low v-cut.

“No.” You don’t even have to look twice.

“But—”

“No.” You say sternly and Namjoon pats Jin’s shoulder.

“How about this one?” This time. Namjoon shows you a lilac dress that has lace sleeves and a moderately low-cut back.

“Hmm…better, but how about we keep looking?” The two of them nod and head towards the search through every rack and shelf for something that you will feel comfortable in.

You head towards the back of the store to see if Jin missed anything while he was searching. Every other dress that you come across was either extremely tight, extremely revealing, or oddly designed. To say the least, you are becoming more and more impatient. In the whole entire store with over a hundred dresses, you can’t find one that suits you? Impossible.

“Y/N! Come over here. I think I found something you might like.” Namjoon calls you from the other end of the store. Before walking over, you let out a big sigh and prepare yourself to be let down once again.

However, you’re met with a pleasant surprise.

“How is it?”

“It’s… perfect.”

You’re absolutely speechless. Namjoon is holding up a long pastel coloured dress. There are sleeves to this dress as well, but they open up at the wrists. The neckline is moderate enough to your liking back does cut down a bit, but it’s just enough. The bottom of the dress flows out beautifully just like how you pictured in your mind. The dress itself is the not the most beautiful in the whole entire store, but it’s definitely everything you wanted.

“Thank you Namjoon. I didn’t actually think that we would be able to find something that I would like. I’m sorry for being so picky.”

“Oh don’t worry about it. It was fun! We had quite the challenge didn’t we Jin?” Namjoon pushes Jin lightly, but Jin stands there, sulking.

“Next time, Namjoon is the only one taking you shopping Y/N. You literally turned away all of my choices!”

“Aw, don’t be like that Jin! I’ll let you do my makeup..just—”

“I know, I know. Nothing too trashy or out of this world right? Now, go try on the dress!” He shoves the dress into your arms and pushes you towards a changing room.

Before trying on the dress, you take a good look at it. There’s not much to it, but the small details add a nice touch. There are little diamonds situated in certain spots of the dress as well as a layer of lace designs on top the pink fabric. Normally you aren’t a huge fan of lace, but exceptions can be made right? Finally, you put on the dress and you take in a deep breath before stepping out.

“How is it?” Namjoon and Jin look up from their phones and their eyes light up.

“Y/N! Have you seen yourself? You look gorgeous!” Jin rushes over to you and turns you towards a mirror. “Look at you! All the men at the party will be going crazy!”

There you are. Standing in the pastel pink dress. At first you don’t believe that it’s you. It’s not just Jin and Namjoon, but you’re surprised as well. The dress brings out all of your curves in a way you didn’t think possible. Everything about this dress brings out a sense of serenity. At this point, you’re not even exaggerating anymore. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

“I-is that really me?”

“Yes honey, that is you and you look amazing.” Namjoon grabs your shoulders and smiles.

“Ready to go?” You nod. Just as you reach to get your wallet, Namjoon and Jin insist that they have to pay for you. As a way to “thank you for putting up with all their weird antics and letting them free of dress shopping.” Seeing that arguing with them will be useless, you let them go this one time.

After countless hours of going in and out of stores, the three of you have deemed yourselves worthy of a good lunch. Like all traditional Korean lunches, all of you are situated in front of the grill table, waiting for the server to bring you the platters of heaven; delivered from the gods themselves.

“Have you asked Hoseok to come to the party yet?” Namjoon asks while he pours everyone some tea.

“Of course I hav— SHIT! No I haven’t…” You lower your head in shame as Namjoon laughs at you.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Go ask the boy!”

Just then, the meat and other side dishes arrive to the table.

“Can’t I ask him after —”

“No.”

“But—”

“Y/N, do it or you’re not going to eat.”

“Namjo—”

“Ah, ah, ah. You need to either text or call Hoseok right now because I won’t let you taste any of this if you don’t.” To make matters even worse, Namjoon places the first few pieces of meat onto the grill. The sizzle, oh the sizzle. “Ahhhh, you hear that Y/N? Good, juicy, pieces of fresh meat on this clean grill.”

“I hate you Kim Namjoon.” You hiss as you find Hoseok’s contact to call him.

“That’s okay, I still have Jin—”

“I hate you too Joonie. I was forced into this relationship.”

“Fine! Neither of you are getting me. Good thing I’m hungry today — OW!” Just as you bring the phone up to your ear, the table shakes a little and Namjoon writhes in pain. You smirk, and Jin gives you a thumbs-up.

“I hate you both. All of you.” Namjoon gives each of you long glares, but Jin gives him a flying kiss in return. Where have you been in your life without these two?

After a few empty rings, Hoseok answers.

“Y/N? What’s up?”

For some reason, your heart starts to go 300 beats per minute.

“I-uh-I…” The words you want to say versus the words that are coming out of your mouth are being controlled by two different people. Not once in your life have you stuttered this much so why now? It’s not like you haven’t talk to Hoseok on the phone before. It’s not like you don’t know him. You look towards Namjoon and Jin for moral support, but they’re busy fighting over some piece of meat. Ugh, men.

“Y/N? I can’t hear you clearly.” Deep breath in…and out…You can do this Y/N. It’s just a party. Nothing too big.

“So..uh…Namjoon and Jin are hosting a party on New Year’s Eve so I was wondering if you would like to come as well? I mean you don’t have to if you have other plans like going out with Sumi or spending time with your family or just staying at home and watching the countdown by yourself or—”

“Y/N. Y/N!” At the sound of Hoseok’s voice, you stop talking before you embarrass yourself even more.

“Y-yeah?” You clamp your hand in between your thighs to stop them from shaking.

“I’ll be there.”

“R-really?”

“Of course! I wouldn’t miss out a party with my best friend right?” Oh…Right…

“Right…I’ll…see you there then. I’ll text you the details later.”

“Sure thing. I’ll see you there!” Hoseok hangs up first and you slowly bring your phone down.

“So? Can he come?” Jin asks with a mouthful of meat.

“Yeah he can come…”

“Then why the long face?”

“It’s just…I still can’t get over the fact that Hoseok will forever and always see me as just his best friend. I know it’s selfish, but I just wish that he would see me as a little more.” You shrug it off as it it’s nothing and take a piece of meat for yourself.

“Don’t worry Y/N. With our touch of magic, no one will be able to say ‘no’ to you.” Namjoon winks at you and the three of you continue with your lunch.

Here goes nothing.

“Are you sure about this Jin?”

“Y/N, I love you and all, but just please shut up for once and let me do my job. I promise that you’ll look great!”

Feeling the defeat, you sit back into the chair and let Jin do as he pleases with the makeup. The party is in a few hours, but you feel so unprepared. Jin is working on your makeup as Namjoon does your hair. Honestly, it all feels too much to you as you’ve never had someone do your makeup or hair. Every part of your body feels tense. Parties were never your thing and they still aren’t.

“Relax Y/N. It’s going to be fun okay? If you want to leave, just tell either of us and we’ll let you stay at our apartment for the night.” Namjoon gives your shoulder a light squeeze to help you relax and he goes back to doing your hair.

But can you really relax? Probably not, but you can try to have fun. After all, it is the end of the year right?

You close your eyes and try to distract yourself from all of your worries. You think about how you feel while wearing the dress. You think about how it will feel to be on the dance floor, moving without any care for the world. Just, having fun.

“Alright Y/N. I think we’re done. You can open your eyes now.” Jin spins your chair around towards the mirror and you slowly open your eyes.

The first thing you notice is how your face is literally glowing. Glowing. Jin definitely worked some sort of magic because you’ve never seen anything like this. There isn’t a lot of makeup on your face. Some neutral colours for eyeshadow with the pop of highlight here and there, minimal, but enough contour, and a light lipstick. Then you move onto the hair. Namjoon left it down as per your request, yet he was able to do so much with it. He made your hair wavy with little braids situated randomly. If you were to do this by yourself, anyone walking by would have thought that you had a rough night in a wolf’s den, but like Jin, Namjoon made everything magical.

“Guys…you…have a talent.” You’re left in complete awe.

“Well, of course. We’re professionals after all!” Jin lets out a laugh and the rest of you follow.

“Come on, let’s get you into your dress. We don’t have much long before the party and we need to get there a little earlier.”

You rush into the guest room and put on your dress. Next you put on your heels. They’re velvet pink pumps with a moderate height heel so that you don’t trip your way through the night. Taking one last look at yourself before going out, you feel a burst of confidence. You can do it Y/N. Own the night.

You thought that make it through the night, but as more and more people enter the venue, you feel more and more anxious. The only people you know tonight are Namjoon, Jin, and Hoseok. The couple has already vanished off to wherever they need to go and Hoseok is nowhere to be seen. You’ve downed a few drinks already and they did help ease off the nerves for a while, but soon after, the empty feeling in your gut would return.

Where is he?

Your eyes search everywhere in hopes that they land on a familiar figure, but he’s nowhere to be seen. Scrambling all over the venue, you’ve bumped into many drunk people and other fashion designers, but none of them are Hoseok.

Did he forget?

No. Hoseok couldn’t have forgot about the party right? There’s no way. He said that he would be here. This is no use. You need to have fun Y/N. Hoseok will show up sooner or later. Although your words to yourself aren’t very convincing, you listen to them anyways seeing that there’s no point in worrying. You grab another alcoholic drink off of one of the trays moving around the place and take it all in within seconds. Time to dance.

It’s safe to say that club/party dancing is much different from the dancing that you’re used to. Normally when you dance, there’s rhythm and some grace to it, but with club dancing, the main idea is to just get as drunk as possible and let loose. Well, you weren’t that drunk yet, so it was hard for you to let loose, but apparently this is not the case for some of the other men on the dance floor.

“Hey there. What are you doing all alone?” Foreign hands place themselves on your waist as a whiskey-laced breath touches your skin.

“I-I’m waiting for a friend.” You try to push yourself away, but his grip only grows stronger. He adjusts your position so that you’re standing right in front of him, bodies too close for comfort.

“Aw, don’t be like that. I can’t leave a pretty girl like you alone this whole night can I?” His hands travels dangerously low, but before he reaches any closer to the red line, you step back.

“I’m really fine. I’ll be going now. Happy holidays!” However, your attempt to escape failed.

“You think it’s so easy to leave? I just want to dance with youuuu” The drunken man holds you tightly, one hand on your spin and the other centimetres above your butt. The more you push away, the closer he moves to you. More people join on the dance floor and you’re left squished in between this perverted stranger and other drunk no-goods.

“Please, I think I see my friend.”

“Ah, not yet. I still haven’t shown you my best moves.” He attempts to grind his body against yours, but you, with all your might stomp on his foot. “You bitc—” You brace yourself for the slap, but it never comes.

“Excuse me sir. I don’t think this is how you want to spend your New Year’s Eve right?” Hoseok! “My friend has made it very clear that she doesn’t want to be in your presence so if you please excuse us.” Hoseok grabs your wrist and guides you out of the dance floor. Once he brings you to a quiet place, he stops walking.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…I thought you weren’t going to come…”

“Why would I do that? I said that I’ll be here, and here I am! I’m sorry, the traffic was really bad and —”

Blame the alcohol or the environment, but you hug Hoseok tightly. At first he’s in total shock, his whole body tense, but then he loosens up and brings his arms around you.

“I’m just…glad that you could make it.” You wish you could stay like this forever; in Hoseok’s arms, where you feel the safest.

“Shall we go and have some fun now?” Hoseok pulls you away gently and smiles. You nod in return and you spend the rest of the night forgetting about all the worries you had before.

You never understood it. Hoseok has made it quite clear that he only thinks of you as his best friends, yet you still hold on the false strand of hope that he might actually feel something else. There have been many occasions where does things that make your hope grow even stronger, but then reality comes back to punch you square in the face. You know it’s never going to happen, yet here you are, spending New Year’s Eve, drinking and dancing away with Hoseok.

“Hoseok, I’m going to go get some air.” You say in his ear so that he can hear you over the loud music.

“Okay! I’ll go get you something to drink.” The two of you split and you make your way towards the balcony. The air is brisk, but it’s a nice sensation compared to the stuffy atmosphere of party.  The whole night you’ve been dancing and drinking away. You’re almost positive that your makeup and hair are ruined now; all of Namjoon and Jin’s hard work.

“Y/N, here’s some water. I figured that you probably don’t want any more alcohol. Don’t want to end the year off to crazily right?”

“Right.” You manage to let out a laugh. “This year…really has been something…” You stare off into the city lights. They shine brighter than any star in the sky tonight. The streets are empty, but that’s probably because everyone is at home with their family or like you, at a party.

“Yeah…it has been one hell of a year…” Hoseok takes a drink from his own glass.

“Do you regret any of it?” Hoseok turns to look at you, but you keep looking straight ahead. “Any of it. Do you regret anything that you did?” He takes a moment to think.

“No.” Oh. “But I do regret not doing a lot of things this year.”

“Oh?” This time, you turn to look at him and lean against the railing. “Like what?”

“You know… not saying things to certain people, standing up for what I believe it, waiting too long to do things. Stuff like that. How about you? Do you regret anything?”

A lot. I regret not being able to stand up to Sumi. I regret not telling you about my feelings sooner. I regret not being able to turn to you when I’m going through the toughest times. I regret not being able to hold on longer. I regret not being able stay strong for myself. I regret not being the one for you.

“Yeah…who doesn’t have regrets right?”

“That’s true. At least we’re starting a new year right? It’s like a fresh start? A chance to redeem ourselves!”

“Right.. a chance to redeem ourselves…” You repeat his last words, but you’re easily overpowered by the music and people in the building.

“TWENTY!— NINETEEN!—” Both of your turn your heads to the party inside and see that everyone is facing the giant screen, counting down the last minutes of the 2016.

“Looks like the year is about to end.” Hoseok chuckles.

“Seems like it.”

“FIFTEEN—”

“Any last words before 2016 is history?”

“Let’s not have any regrets in 2017.” You say hesitantly and Hoseok smiles.

“Yeah, let’s do that—Ten! Nine! Eight!…” So this is how your year ends.

Hoseok joins in on the countdown and you swear that with every number he says, he comes a little closer to you. At six, he’s only inches away from your face. With every number decreasing, your heart beats increase ten-fold. It’s not actually happening right? No. That’s impossible.

“Did I tell you that you look absolutely beautiful tonight Y/N?” Hoseok brings one hand around your waist. No, it has to be the alcohol. Yes. The alcohol, that makes sense. Everything makes sense now. The two of you had too much to drink.

“THREE!—TWO!— ONE!—” The people inside scream at their top of their lungs to signify the official end of 2016.

“Happy New Year Y/N…” Hoseok whispers and he moves even closer. Time seems to slow down. His eyes flicker down to your lips and you’re left standing there, not knowing what to do. Is he actually going to kiss me? You try to process everything to yourself, but nothing seems to make sense. Hoseok’s lips are millimetres away from yours. You feel his lips brush against yours and close your eyes. It’s really happening. This is how you’re beginning your 2017. At this moment, you don’t care about anything in the world. You forget that Hoseok is dating Sumi. You forget how you’ve tried so hard to avoid anything like this. You forget how Hoseok will never feel the same way. You forget.

Hoseok closes what’s left of the space between the two of you, but then

“Y/N! HAPPY NEW YEAR—” Namjoon and Jin come barging through the door to the balcony. This causes you to push Hoseok away harshly and you stand as far away from his as possible.

“Oh..were the two of you—”

“No! No, not at all! Let’s go guys!” You words blur together and you grab Namjoon and Jin by the arms as you enter back into the party.

“Are you sure we didn’t—”

“I’m sure Namjoon! Let’s just enjoy the first moments of 2017!” The two of them nod and then return back into party mode. Before you do so as well, you look back towards the balcony. Hoseok is just standing there, frozen. His hands run through his hair multiple times as he looks conflicted. You frown and then turn away. Of course you wanted to kiss Hoseok so badly, especially at New Year’s, but you also said that you didn’t want 2017 to have any regrets.

You don’t want Hoseok to have any regrets.

[rheyareads]

Big Girls Don’t Cry

My heart hurts so much lately.

  Sometimes I feel selfish because amidst watching my brother battle cancer, I’m wallowing in my own self-pity. It’s a never-ending battle for me to remember I am lucky not to have to face the things he’s facing right now versus feeling sorry for myself for so many reasons. Nevertheless, I’ve never been very strong, and I’ve often viewed myself as selfish, so here we are.

I hate having to face all this stuff alone.

Loneliness is the best depressant I know. Now, I know that most of you are going to respond by saying “You’re not alone! I’m always here! Just call me!” and I know and appreciate that fact. But the loneliness I’m referring to is not having a partner to share my life and subsequent sorrow with. Having to come home and cry silently to myself on the couch or in my bedroom because there’s no one there to talk to or just hold me until I fall asleep from exhaustion. The loneliness that haunts and breaks my heart day after day, never ceasing.

I have this innate need to care for other people and my whole life I’ve clung to those who needed me in some capacity to fill a void. I enjoy being the rock that others can stand on for support. I have never needed to be cared for myself, so much as I do right now. I just wish I had someone who wanted to be there for me. Someone who loved and cared for and chose me. It utterly breaks my heart not having someone, now more than ever. I worry so much that because of my weight, because of my depression, because of my inner impulse towards self-destruction, and attraction to men who will never want me, that I will end up alone, forever.

I’ll pause here briefly to say – I know. “No one can love you before you love yourself” or “It will happen when it’s meant to happen”. These are nice sentiments, and they may be true, but that doesn’t take the ache away. That does nothing to help me get through the next night that I cry myself to sleep or the next time I attend a friend’s wedding alone, watching everyone I know find their forever partners.

I think some of my fear stems from the fact that my aunt has been my biggest role model my entire life. I’ve never met someone I admired so much as her. I am an asshole and I find fault with everyone relatively easily and it was always hard to find with her. Most of the faults I found in her were selfishly driven — things like, she didn’t spend enough time with me or prioritize my graduations over her church functions. They were never about her character. She was such a strong, confident, genuine, LOVING, and truly special woman. Like me, she had been overweight her entire life, but I had never known anyone more beautiful than her. I used to love watching her get ready, curling her hair, doing her nails and makeup. I was captivated by her and everything she did.

She was not alone in the world and she had a husband who she loved with every part of her soul. I remember times that I would cry over boys who didn’t love me, and she’d tell me that God would give me someone, just like he gave her husband to her. She’d comfort me telling me how similar we were and that she knew what it was like to be overweight, but she knew how much her husband loved her. I think even though I’ve pretty much disliked her husband my entire life, I wanted to believe that could be true for me too because she was the person I wanted to become when I was older. I watched their marriage for years as an example of someone who looked like me finding “true love” and happiness.

To sit here now, a mere 7 months after she has died, and see that her husband has totally rid himself of her memory, their marriage, her belongings, their home – I’m left feeling so hollow. She passed away in January and I got a phone call in April that my uncle had feelings for another woman. He spent 45 minutes trying to convince me this was ordained by God and asked me to still love him, and I said maybe 4 words on the phone before he hung up. He hasn’t spoken to me since that day. A few days later, he left his wedding albums and my aunts wedding dress on my uncles’ doorstep without a word to anyone. He’s since become “Facebook official” with his new girlfriend, a woman who was not only married, but knew my aunt and called her a friend, and has plans to marry her from what I’m told.

What makes this all worse is to hear him speak about my aunt now. He has told her best friends that this all stems from the fact that he’s a man and he has sexual urges and because of the issues my aunt had (her cancer was originally some type of cervical/pelvic/ovarian cancer, though thanks to his manipulation and censorship I still don’t truly know which one) it had been a while since they had sex and so he needed to move on to fulfill that need. He would later go on to tell her friends that he only slept with my aunt of “duty as her husband”, not attraction.

To hear these things come from the man I watched my aunt devote her entire life and heart to is so painful I don’t know that I can even describe it with words. The love I have for this perfect woman knows no end and I am breaking apart to think of how she would feel if she heard him say these things. It’s sickening and beyond appalling. This is a man who claimed to be devoted to her, called her precious, and had the world convinced he found her to be beautiful and loved her. Here he is now, speaking the truth of his ugly, manipulative ways and showing the deceit that these words were.

Aside from the anger and pure heartbreak this gives me, it leaves me with fear and sadness for myself. If my aunt, someone so perfect, kind and beautiful, inside and out, could be fooled and discarded this way, what does that leave for me? People have told me to look up to her as an example, including herself, because of the love she shared with her husband, so what am I supposed to do now? Is this what overweight women deserve? Someone settling for us because of where we can take them in the world. To be discarded when we’re through providing service to a man who never really loved us but used us for what we gave?

When I think of everything that’s happened since her death, I am just left so defeated. I have never liked my uncle, and he wouldn’t be shocked to hear that. I’ve always found him to be arrogant and self-serving, and his views about people and the world have always gone against what I know to be true in my heart. But I loved my aunt, greatly, and I saw him as a father figure because she has and always will be the mother I didn’t deserve. It’s hard to explain how it’s possible to hate someone and love them at the same time, but I did, and his behavior hurts me as the daughter he referred to me as when he spoke about me in public. I’m not sure I ever believed that he thought of me that way – I think so much of what he said was a lie – but even as a niece, to watch your uncle discard your family so quickly is painful. Maybe it’s selfish or dramatic to extrapolate this situation into my own self-pity or sorrow, but I can’t pretend that it doesn’t have an impact on me and my view of the world. It’s a crushing blow and I’m running on empty lately,.

So, I’m sitting here tonight. Sad and angry and alone. I’m making plans to visit friends in October for their wedding and though I’m so excited for them, I teeter on the edge of trying to run away from going because I don’t want to have to go alone, again, to another wedding, and watch everyone with their partners and pretend like I’m happy. I’m not happy. I’m terrified that if I don’t lose weight, I will spend the rest of my life alone or left with someone who settles for me and chooses me out of duty, not love. I am scared that I will always be second choice for someone. I have feelings for someone who isn’t married, or my best friend, or horrible for me for the first time in what feels like a lifetime and they weren’t interested in me and found someone else. I sit and wonder how much of that is because of my outward appearance? It seems like I always have such great personal chemistry with people but I’m never the girl they choose. I wish I knew why  – why am I never the one people want to love? Why am I always the one people want to talk to or laugh with, but never, ever, love.

When I think about this, I’m just so overwhelmed with emotion and everything else going on. I am scared for my brother’s future and wish I could hug my aunt and ask her how to get through it all. I am tired and broken and so incredibly alone for all of it.

And I know, I have the best friends in the world, who support and love me despite all my depressing posts and words. I have parents who’ve helped me move and take care of my brother and co-workers who’ve done so much for me.

  But despite it all, I cannot escape the loneliness.

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/08/16/big-girls-dont-cry/

[souridealist]

Hello, Yuletide writer! First of all, I’m sorry it took so long to get this letter up, and I am genuinely touched you didn’t just say “to hell with it, this disorganized motherfucker is getting whatever she gets.” (And then I posted it half-written by accident, good Lord, why am I like this).

General Likes and Dislikes:

I DNW’d suicide and deportation, due to personal experience with both. I would lump POV character suicidal ideation under the heading of suicide, but ‘tactical’ suicides (eg: captured spy with an arsenic pill) don’t upset me at all. For example, I have a couple of canons that could allow for “Okay, my grand plan is that I die a little bit and then come back!” and others which could allow for situations where death is preferable to capture, and you can feel free to explore either. It’s specifically mundane, depression-based suicide depictions that I need to avoid. 

Deportation I would prefer you interpret a little more broadly. Acknowledging canon events are fine, but I’d rather the story not focus intensely on characters being forced to leave their families, their homes, their lives. (For reference if useful, I discovered this is a hard fictional limit while watching episode 1x08 of The Good Place.)

Other than that: I’ve requested all the canons here because I enjoy them, so canon-subversion fic is not really what I’m looking for here. I’m okay with dark, grim stories, but I’d prefer they not be hopeless ones. I like stories that are honest about characters’ flaws without condemning them.

I... hope that nails down some of the more nebulous points, in some way!

On to general likes: I’m really into things like epistolary fic, mixed media, in-universe documents, outsider POV, Rashomon stories, anything like that. I have no strong feelings on first/second/third-person or on past versus present tense, so run wild there. 

As a general rule, I’m going to be entirely happy to see non-nominated / non-requested characters make cameos or indeed take a central role in the fic, as long as the characters I did request are central as well. 

I’m a deeply polyamorous shipper at heart, and that informs a lot of these requests, but most of the relationships I ship are relationships where I just plain enjoy all their interactions, so gen works. I am also perfectly comfortable receiving smut for Yuletide, including for the teenage ships. One of my absolute favorite things is smut that uses sex to explore the characters and their relationship; relatedly, I like awkward human details more than idealized sex. (I don’t feel a need to get into things like historically-accurate lamb intestine condoms unless you really want to, though.) 

The only specifically-sexual DNWs I’d add are scat play, A/B/O, and parental incest, though I’d be frankly surprised to see the last come up with these canons. (Watersports are okay, since I know they’re often grouped with scat play without distinction.) 

Now, by canon! (Which may contain spoilers for their original canons). Also, as a note, I have more to say about some canons than others, but it’s not a measure of enthusiasm; I just don’t want to delay this letter any longer.

Summerlong - Peter S. Beagle

I loved this book’s lyricism, its sense of atmosphere and place, the wonder and beauty that ran through it all. And I loved how old the story felt, how timeless, and how nobody in it was young. Most of all, I was intrigued by the interplay between Lily and Lyonesse. A lot of it was sketched offscreen, related second-hand and in negative space, but there was still a sense of something layered and deep. I’d love to see it pulled into focus, whether in the form of missing scenes or post-canon stories.

Standout moments in my memory: when you forget that Persephone loves you. The dinner-party scene.

(Though I liked the book, I was very much disappointed that Abe and Lyonesse slept together. As I said, I’d be glad to see that played out with Lily instead, if you chose.)

Girl Genius

I am here for camp and shenanigans and gears on things and unabashed technobabble and the sheer glorious enthusiasm that spills out of every page. I love the canon’s sense of zany mayhem and bodice-ripper pulp novels and the way they’re willing to touch on very dark, sad, brutal things without ever losing its energy and color. I wouldn’t want to see them stripped down and rendered ordinary, but if you can get that sense of brilliant experimental chaos in a coffeeshop AU or a college, knock yourself out.

My other favorite thing about the comic is how it revels in Agatha being someone spectacular and extraordinary. We’re not here to watch our protagonist struggle and suffer, we’re here to watch her struggle and triumph. It’s great.

I’m also very, very much here for Tarvek/Agatha/Gil OT3, and this is one where it has to be an OT3 for me to like the ship; as far as I’m concerned, they all three need each other and care for each other. None of it’s going to work with only two; someone would be missing, no matter who it was. If you don’t want to write that kind of story, I’d much rather get straight gen than a story that picks a “team” in a love triangle. 

(As a note, I do prefer a three-sided true triangle to an open V, but I’m definitely okay with an open V as long as Gil and Tarvek are grumpily-fond metamours). 

One of the darker threads in the comic is the way all three of them have a very painful, bloody legacy; they have all been very isolated growing up; they have all three been failed and used and betrayed by their parents. It’s a heavy thing, and there’s absolutely no need, but if you go into it, I’m interested.

Bonus points: outrageous inventions, Jaegers being Extremely Helpful About The Romance, Castle Heterodyne being Extremely Helpful about anything. Bonus bonus points: if you happen to have read the novelizations, there’s some fascinating shit in the footnotes and epigraphs. If I’d wanted anything specifically novel-related I would have nominated the novelizations as a distinct fandom, but if you want to throw in some Easter eggs or if something novel-specific always struck you as a good starting point, I’d be delighted.

Standout scenes: The entire Hogfarb’s Resplendent Immolation arc; “We could have used him as a hostage! A bargaining chip! We could have... we could have... we could have kept him safe.” / “I’m sorry.” 

Clocktaur War - T. Kingfisher

These books are such a brutally detailed portrait of such flawed, tragic people who have done, and do, truly terrible things -- and yet the story is never anything but compassionate, never writes them with anything but tenderness and love. That’s what I love about it; hence the very specific DNW of villainizing anyone. 

I love all three of the characters nominated, but I admit that what fascinated me most was the relationship between Brenner and Slate, though Caliban/Slate was both excellent and made a great deal more sense as a long-term romance. I requested Caliban rather than just the two of them because I also very much enjoyed Caliban’s perspective on that dynamic, and on the ways that his presence changed it.

Having said that, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that I ship Caliban/Slate/Brenner (as a V, mainly, though the possibility of emotionally-fraught life-affirming let’s-do-this-instead-of-thinking-about-how-scared-we-are threesomes did cross my mind frequently during the wait between books).  I did spend a certain amount of time wailing that I wanted Slate and Caliban to get a nice little cabin, where Slate forges things and Caliban tries to ignore it, and every couple of month Brenner drops by and they all three fall in bed together and it’s kind of surreal for all of them but also a vital touchstone for all of them and NOBODY IS DEAD, but I also knew from midway through the first book that Brenner was going to die; I mostly have my peace with it. 

That said: I am on board for canon divergence, and not only on that one point. There’s so much going on in the story, and in the story’s world; it’s rife with what-ifs. I wouldn’t, however, want to see the characters pulled into any less flawed world than theirs.

Standout scenes: “I can make you die slow;” the scene where Brenner is prepared to strangle Slate to prevent her allergies inadvertently betraying them all; the very quick dispatch of robbers in Chapter Five of The Wonder Engine; “He had not quite realized that he would crawl on his knees to any god that would take him.”

The Innsmouth Legacy - Ruthanna Emrys

What I love about this one is everything it has to say about being an outsider, a monster in the world, and all the ways that that does not make one monstrous. The way it takes the empty vastness of the cosmos and turns it into a source of faith and strength, this too shall pass, and, more, the way it creates justification for kindness. That drew me too, so deeply; all the ways it is about love and community in the face of emptiness.

I need to confess that I don’t know the Cthulhu mythos that well, beyond these books. However, if you’re a huge mythos aficiondo and were all excited to include a bunch of details, I’ll probably need an index but I will be thrilled to know they’re there, because I still love that kind of thing. 

I requested Aphra and Audrey as my favorites -  in particular, I loved Audrey’s drive and determination, how quickly she clutched on to magic with both hands and would not let go, next to Aphra’s slowly opening heart. However, I do love pretty much the whole of Aphra’s spreading odd family, so if you want to write a more ensemble piece, absolutely feel free. In particular I loved the confluence, the idea of these people, all unexpected, finding such a view of each other’s souls, and coming back to find it was impossible not to care for each other deeply, now. Or, in other words, the soulbonding is both group and canonical. 

Note that although I’m interested in the soulbond elements of the confluence and have at least a passing interest Aphra/Audrey, I’m not asking for any shipfic that suggests their connection is deeper within the confluence. Just different. 

While I’m on the topic of shipfic, there’s a lot to possibly unpack with the legacy of Innsmouth and the question of having children to carry that legacy on, in a story where Aphra falls in love with a woman. Should that be an idea that bites you, I’m intrigued! 

Regarding the deportation DNW vis-a-vis the destruction of Innsmouth, anything on par with canon is fine.

I feel like talking about standout scenes would be redundant at this point (CONFLUENCE), but I also need to give out a shoutout to all the many and varied beach scenes in Winter Tide.

Although I haven’t read Deep Roots yet, I intend to, and even if I haven’t read it by Christmas, I spoil myself for things constantly, so incorporate it as much as you please without fear. 

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard

This broader franchise is a huge part of my childhood, going back all the way to the first couple of Percy Jackson books, and the Norse were a delightful pick-up to the cast. Alex and Magnus charmed me immediately, weak as I still am to Rick Riordan’s bickering love interests, and Alex is such a wonderfully shitheaded highlighter pack of a person, while Magnus is so wonderfully caring, and so utterly, continuously stunned by her. (Every other chapter. “A minor physical detail of Alex looked really nice. I have no idea why I noted that.” BOY, YOU ARE SMITTEN WITH HIM.) 

Blitz and Hearthstone, meanwhile, struck me as absolutely married, the whole time; I loved their caring and their protectiveness and their trust, even when under stress. And I, er, have a history with dwarf/elf ships, to whit, that I am weak. And Blitzen kept on referring to Hearthstone as “my elf,” and frankly, at that point, it’s time to make an honest elf out of him.

However, if you don’t want to write shipfic, I also love the humor and the heart of these books, in addition to being an outrageous mythology nerd, so I will still be delighted to read gen adventure fic, or Shenanigans up at Hotel Valhalla, or just a thousand words (or ten thousand words) of the characters sitting around and snarking at each other. 

Standout scenes: the pottery studio sequence; Alex telling Magnus “your fly is down” in ASL in the middle of an important bluff; Alex and Magnus talking about books and Alex commenting on The Left Hand of Darkness. 

And thus, the letter is officially done! The mods reached out to remind me, so I tried to go into some detail, but please, especially after all this wait, I hope you don’t feel any obligation to my nonsense. Write the story that’s yours, that makes you happy, and I will enjoy it. Good luck, and thank you for writing for me. 

[divinelydivorced]

Advice

As of late, it has seemed so many of my friends are in the midst of a relationship fork in the road.  Day after day, someone new is telling me about a recent break-up or a fight they’ve had with a significant other.  These aren’t little squabbles either.  They are turning points in the relationship and the how in the recovery process will either propel the relationship forward, strengthening it, or leave it quite diminished.  As you are well aware, I too have found myself in this situation recently.  In many ways, it’s nice to not be alone but also puzzles me with its timing.  It’s almost like the belief deaths come in threes.  Maybe relationship disasters come in sevens?

All the relationship drama in my own life and the lives of friends has started me pondering about advice, both giving and receiving it.  How, when, and why we give advice and the same for when we do not.  Furthermore, what the advice is.  For example, I’ve found women in particular are most apt to jump in and offer advice when it comes to a friend’s broken heart.  We simply do not hold back.  

For example, when a friend recently told me of something her boyfriend did to her, I was appalled.  My mouth fell open as I stared at her retelling it and crying.  Then this rage overcame me.  Not a violent rage towards him but one of a mother bear protecting her cub. Without being asked to give my opinion or even letting her finish the story, I immediately jumped in with things like, “that is not okay,” “how dare he,” “you deserve so much better than that,” “you should not let him treat you like that,” etc., etc., etc.  Then she, of course, began with responses like, “I know but it’s not that simple,” “I love him,” “maybe we can get past this,” “I don’t want to start over,” etc., etc., etc.  To which I, of course, immediately followed with, “you’ll be okay,” “you are a catch,” “you are strong enough to get past this,” etc., etc., etc. Sound familiar?

It should because we all tend to repeat the same advice patterns, especially on this topic.  Yet when it was my turn to talk about my relationship, prior to its break-up, practically the same conversation occurred only our roles were reversed.  It was my turn to say, “but I love him” and “I don’t want to have to go back out into the dating world.”  You really have to laugh at the irony of the situation.  When it’s our heart on the line, we don’t see things as clearly as when it’s happening to someone we love.  Yet there’s this frustration when you’re the outsider looking in and thinking “how can you not see what I see, that you deserve better?”

I find so many people are willing to jump in and give me relationship advice, post-break-up.  The most popular is, “take time for yourself, discover who you are” or something along those lines.  I believe this to be fitting advice, because, well, I’ve given the same advice to every friend with a broken heart ever.  If not giving direct advice, people love to be your cheerleader with “good things are around the corner” or “don’t give up.”  Again, I’ve also spewed these words out countless times, in an effort to console someone.  These are our go-to stock responses, and I can’t help but wonder how legitimate they are? Sometimes it’s like asking a parent “why,” and they respond, “because I said so.”  We don’t question it, we just follow it because it’s the right response.

It makes sense when it comes out of my mouth, but when I’m on the receiving end of this advice, it’s a struggle to grasp it.  Actually, it sometimes makes me feel dumb.  In fact, I was just talking to a friend yesterday about this exact thing, and she, too, expressed the same feelings.  When you are giving the advice, it seems as clear as day, the solution so simple, and then you are baffled the other person doesn’t see it.  It’s like watching a friend as her contact pops out of her eye and falls to the floor. She’s in a little pain, you see what will help her, and you say, “It’s there, right there.  No, right there.”  You watch as she struggles to reach what is right in front of her.

Yet when you’re the person on the floor, flailing your hand around as someone above you just keeps pointing out how you’re missing the obvious, it’s incredibly frustrating.  You’re not even necessarily frustrated with them, for you know they just trying to help, but more so you are frustrated at yourself for not seeing what is so clear to everyone else.  You’re in some pain, half blind, and just want to say, “Can’t you see I’m trying here? I know I’ll feel better once I can see again.  I’m not enjoying being blind or in pain.  But, just give me a second to figure this out.”

Again, there is humor in our reactions when roles reverse.

Yet what’s most fascinating is how it seems our free advice almost starts and stops when it comes to relational areas.  For example, I’ve written a lot about losing a sister and my struggles there.  Outside of an extremely close circle of four or five friends, no one has ever offered me advice on coping with grief.  Is this because it’s a faux pas topic?  It’s off limits?  Or maybe we feel if we haven’t dealt with a similar loss, then we shouldn’t be giving advice?  

Or how about other areas?  Whenever I have mentioned to anyone that I’m going to stop acting, everyone panics for me.  I hear things like, “Don’t give up!,” “…but you’re so talented,” and “you’ve been so close, if you just hold on a little longer, I know you’ll make it!”  They aren’t hearing me say that I don’t enjoy it anymore, it leaves me feeling empty, and the environment is so negative and destructive that it’s not where I want to spend my time.  

This same advice seems to occur whenever folks are struggling with their careers as well.  Anytime I’ve been at a dinner party and someone has just lost their job, let’s say, the overwhelming response is, “don’t lose hope,” “get back out there,” and “you’re a great worker, someone would love to have you on their team.”

Similar advice is given when people struggle with diets, weight, and exercise.  If someone is discouraged they’ve gained several pounds or haven’t been to the gym in months, our response is “don’t beat yourself up, just start over,” “it will be hard at first but once you get going, it will feel like second nature,” and “everyone struggles with this but you can’t give up.”  

I’d venture a lot of our Christian advice is quite similar. Whenever someone is mad at God or struggling to believe, we say “keep praying about it until you believe it,” “don’t hide-take it to God even if you’re angry,” and “believing isn’t easy but it’s during the tough times that your faith will get stronger.”

I could go on and on, but my point is whenever anyone is struggling with non-romantic problems, our advice is always to encourage them to keep going, not give up, and throw themselves out there even though they don’t want to.  But when they have just gotten divorced or dumped or been on a long streak of horrible dates, our advice is the opposite, telling them to slow down or even stop dating for a while, take time for themselves, and use this time to figure out what they want.  Why is there such a drastic difference?

Part of me wonders if it is because when it comes to being the one left with a broken heart, we’ve all been there.  That pain was and is real and raw, no matter how far in the past it was.  Therefore, when we see someone in pain, our body recognizes and remembers it.  We want people to not hurt like we have hurt, so our answer is for them to self-protect by taking a break.  

So, what if we started telling those who are disheartened to do the opposite?  Instead of saying to take time for themselves, we say “get back out there” and “yes, it will hurt but if this is what you want, you must go after it.” Conversely, what if when people lose a job, “maybe work at Whole Foods for a while, rest, and get back into the full-time work force when you are rested.”  Or when people are guilting themselves over extra weight we say, “stop dieting, eat what you want, and in the meantime, figure out who you are versus what you want to look like.”  Seems to me it might be a nice social experiment and could lead to some valuable lessons learned.  

I guess, in some sort of conclusion, I’d like to remind myself (and others) everyone is going to give you advice, but only you really know your heart.  If you learn to listen to your body, you will know what is right for you.  Continue to willingly accept all advice as there is value in the opinion of others but choose to follow what is right for you.  You know, I used to cringe when my teacher evaluations would come back for fear of reading the one nasty comments made by a disgruntled student.  Now, however, I must say I love when I get a bad review as a teacher.  It means that, one, I challenged my students, and, two, I still have something to work on.  Even if every other student loved me, one student felt they didn’t learn…so there’s more work to be done.  It’s the same with other areas.  If a person feels compelled to offer advice, it means they care about me and they see something in me that I myself haven’t seen yet.  Agree or disagree, there’s always room for us to listen, learn, and grow. Someone, after all, may give you the push or confidence you need.

Then we, as advice givers, need to make sure we are listening.  I was so willing to jump into the usual tangent with my crying friend that I don’t know if I was really hearing her story.  It sounded too much like all the other “stupid boy” stories, I just lumped it in with those and tried to rescue her.  But, truth be told, my friend is strong and doesn’t need rescued.  What she needed was me to simply listen. Maybe ask a few questions.  So, I’m working on challenging myself to really hear what those around me are saying, to speak up when it’s really important, and otherwise simply support them by standing next to them…versus dragging them into the place I believe they need to be.  Sometimes there’s more value in the path of self-discovery.

Such a beautiful balance of give and take.   Yet so hard to master, especially when we care so deeply for one another.  But, going forward, I will choose to stop saving everyone from themselves or from feeling pain, and I will stop judging myself for not clearly seeing what everyone else sees when it comes to my own life.  Blurred vision takes a while to clear up after all.   Instead, I will take each person’s hand and jump, feeling the wind in our faces, not knowing how we shall land, but conquering life together.  For better or for worse…now that’s a commitment I can get behind.