#i know often it's a maladaptive coping mechanism where your situation is out of your control so you try to find something you can control

[ms-hells-bells]

one thing that always makes me depressed to think about is how many women undergoing chemo treat the hair loss as the worst part of everything. they'll literally be throwing up daily, no energy, losing fat and muscle, and battling CANCER, and they'll go 'i'm BALD, i'm hideous, i don't feel beautiful, i don't look like a woman anymore'. and you see those 'inspiring' videos of women with cancer doing their makeup to 'feel normal' and 'look pretty again', and people cheer them on...hell world.

[system-of-a-feather]

Working with Vulnerable Stuck Parts - Peer Advise

Hello all~ Our system is finally getting back into a groove of shit again now that we are back to working (yes, weird stabilizing coping mechanism, I know) and also going through a lot of training in our new job that has honestly been a joy to think about and it made me think some about how we handle things in our system that I thought might be something worth sharing with others.

I'm going to give some context about our system because I think its important to understanding the situation and thus probable limitations / specifications that this works with; so bear with me about the personal yammer, I'm only putting it cause I think its relevant.

So for context,

I am Lin and when I'm operating as a separate part, I'm a very specialized part that helps dealing with parts from the side system that tend to stay in peaceful voluntary dormancy / sleep. The side system operating like that works for the best for all of us and is something that side prefers as well, but sometimes life situations cause those parts to "wake up" and end up out. Unfortuantely a side effect of the fact that they are usually dormant or "sleeping" for months to years and usually not as integrated with our life, they tend to be pretty detatched from reality, the present, and are often much higher hazards than if they were regularly around. It is also a problem we deal with a lot because - by the nature of the system wide + their intent to be dormant, it means the only times they really front is usually when they have to / are forced to, ie - a negative trigger that other parts were not able to prevent from escalating to a point where one of those parts are sent out.

As a result, I'm usually the part that is here to minimize harm and help those parts regulate themselves, calm down, express what they need to, let them know that they're safe and welcome to interact with the system as much as they want, and eventually go back to their preferred state (often resting and dormancy). The parts from that side system are prone to a lot of impulses of self harm and suicidal ideation and a lot of maladaptive coping as that side system has some of our oldest and youngest trauma holders that have been deeply dissociated for years at this point. They're very stubborn, independent, and distrustful of parts that aren't from their side system so a lot of the usual parts other than myself are largely fighting an uphill battle to help them out. I'm kind of a mutual resident of both sides of the system and so I'm one of the only parts that is in an optimal position to help them both out.

Our system is basically at functional multiplicity / final fusion and thus - even when we get triggered like this - communication is much easier and its much more reliable for me to internally communicate. This stuff is harder with higher dissociative barriers and so this might not be practical or applicable to people who have those higher dissociative barriers or have a system structure that doesn't make this particularly applicable.

Some pointers from my experience...

When these situations come up, I think the most important thing to keep in mind and aim for is to be good company for them. If you are a good person to have around, then you are inherently going to be giving them some support during the time they are out and you are inevitably going to help them know that they are safe and welcome in the life they are in - regardless of how much they are aware of the present or the system or your current living situations. The only other thing I would say before "be good company" would be to maintain safety, because that should always be a FIRST priority; but I hesitate to say that as I find a lot of people label a lot of things a "matter of safety" way before it is ACTUALLY a "matter of safety" and thus imposing where it is not necessary and thus creating an unsafe or unpleasant company.

What is Good Company?

Good Company is really just someone who is a good part / person to have around. Ideally, if you are being Good Company, you establish a good sense of alliance and a sense of comfort for the part that is out; but I typically aim to just be someone that the part tolerates being around and occasionally hearing exist around them because often, that is the most I can ask from the part. (A lot of them dislike people and are extremely adverse to receiving help and trying to do so will often ruin any chance of working with them)

There are a few things to keep in mind and ways to make sure you are "good company" for a part.

Take time, observe, and listen to the part and what they are feeling, thinking, planning, etc.

Get to understand where they are and what they are feeling and where they are in terms of escalation / overwhelm and try to get an understanding of what they are capable of processing, considering and working with. This is important because you DO NOT want to immediately jump in and immediately start throwing suggestions and solutions and trying to make them "better" under your per-conceived understanding of what is "good for them". Often this comes off as aggressive and it takes a lot of control out of that part's hands as to how they are treated, how they should act, and how they regulate themselves. It also removes an opportunity for that part to try to practice having some agency in how they take care of themselves. Vulnerable parts have often lost a lot of sense of control and autonomy - its important to give that back to them.

Try to engage with what they are doing right now and/or thinking about.

This just means show some interest in whatever they are showing interest in. It doesn't mean you have to agree or play along, but engage in a gentle conversation or comment on what they are doing. Sometimes this can be something as large as trying to question a maladaptive core belief / cognitive distortion or something as small as just narrating / stating an observation. When in doubt, start the least intrusive into their current state and see how much of your presence they are okay with. Overall, its a good way of establishing a sense of interest and alignment with the part and what they are going through without imposing in a way that might be triggering or uncomfortable. You are there to be with them, not to fix them.

Never make demands and never tell them what to do or how to act.

You can suggest things to do, but don't make demands. These parts are already going through a lot and they often don't have as much ability to process things in a non-emotional triggered state. Even if they want to, they might not be able to genuinely consider or act upon what you are asking. You might be right and their current choices and insistence may be maladaptive and unideal, but you have to meet them where they are and the last thing you want is to increase the stress they have. If they are on low coping resources, don't ask them to do more than they have. Sometimes some coping is just not accessible at certain mental states and that's okay. This isn't to say though that you shouldn't suggest positive coping or...

Suggest and help guide them to ways that can help them regulate their emotions, cope, and get out of any dangerous or unhealthy thinking patterns.

Often these will be shut down in my experience as a lot of these parts - as much as they don't want to feel like this - feel reluctant to willingly take their attention off whatever they are fixated. It's a trauma response because - even if they feel like they are dying and don't want to feel like this - they also feel genuine fear, anger, terror, or any other self preservation emotion and often with PTSD, letting that feeling go feels like leaving yourself open to get harmed. In my experience, they will be stubborn and reject it, and that's okay. In these cases, I often bring it up again gently a little later and/or try to bring it up again later in a phrasing that is more catered to them (rather than "we can draw together" which is general, I can say "hey do you wanna draw yourself? we can draw yourself together, we have a drawing pad over there").

In the meanwhile, while they are reluctant to shift from their current mindset, its helpful to suggest modifications of whatever they are intending to do to minimize the risk and harm done by it (assuming it is a risk / harm). Rather than running away in the middle of a winter night, maybe we can go to the gym, maybe we can sit in the backyard, maybe we can take a quick walk around the house, maybe we can find a nice place to hide. This can help build up the mental resources to switch focus off of trauma or a negative stimulus and onto something more enjoyable.

Have a good time and have as much fun as you can realistically have in the moment with them.

If you can get them to a place where they are more receptive to talking to you and/or changing activities / mental focuses, try to help guide them to something that you know they enjoy or (if they have nothing they enjoy) direct them to something you think they might enjoy / something you enjoy that you think you can make fun for them too and try to just enjoy the time in the front with them. Give them a good time now that they are out. Be their friend and make this time that they are out as much of a positive one that you can despite the situation. If you can, try to say bye in some form and thank them for the time they spent with you, because even if you are helping them, it's an honor to be able to help a part out and get to know them better.

Life can suck, trauma can suck, but hey, at least I'm here and we were able to draw together.

And honestly that's really it.

It's really important though to keep in mind and remember that these parts - no matter how scary and stressful and dangerous and self injurous they might sound - are parts that have been through a lot and are often extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and have very little resources - both physically and mentally - to work with. They are going to be having a lot of struggles, quirks, and things about them that might be easy to judge or recoil from - it is at upmost importance to try your best to withold yourself from being judgemental or shaming them for how they present. Even if they are thinking and having impulses to do horrible things, even if their actions are problematic and you disagree with. Try your best to not impose your ideals and idea of a perfect coping onto them and just focus on being there for them first and foremost.

Be their friend, not their behavior police.

[orange-orchard-system]

I don't really see people talking about being argumentative as a (maladaptive) coping mechanism, just that some people can be argumentative as a result of trauma, so... I guess I'm gonna talk about it, so people get a better idea of one of the reasons why this may happen. (CW in advance for mentions of abuse and gaslighting.)

To preface this with how my argumentative nature shows itself – I don't often go out and start arguments, but I definitely think of counterarguments to things I see, even if I agree with them. I feel the need to look for loopholes in a lot of innocuous statements, trying to find any sort of contradiction that I could use if those statements are used against me. Which is, honestly, a rather annoying habit to have. But not looking for counterarguments or weak points in any "argument" I see leaves me nervous and feeling like I'm making myself vulnerable to some kind of attack.

I know where this habit comes from. I was emotionally abused, and part of that abuse involved gaslighting me about why I was upset. To counter this, I developed the habit of looking for any weak points in my abuser's arguments about what "really happened"; if I found a contradiction or could form a counterargument, I could rest (somewhat) assured that I was right in my feelings, and that my abuser was just trying to shift the blame off of their hurtful actions. It helped, at the time, to be silently argumentative.

But it doesn't help in other situations, and I find myself frustrated with my own need to "correct" anything that seems indicative of a possible screaming match or gaslighting session, even when there's no good reason to fear those things. Again, this can even happen with statements I agree with (which is probably indicative of some other things involving my abuse, but I digress)! The safety of "no, here's why you're wrong" quickly rusts outside of the specific situation I formed it in.

I write all this not to justify my own argumentative habits, but to explain one reason why I – and others like me – can come out of trauma/abuse "looking for a fight". "Fight" is still a survival mechanism even when it's not shown through bloody fists. And even when we bite our tongues and keep our hands still, we may still be gearing up for a fight.

Thanks for reading. To any other argumentative traumatized people, I hope y'all get the chance to heal on your terms, without fearing a fight for doing or saying the wrong thing.

[bayesiandragon]

I feel like there's an unfortunately high number of people who interpret a character with ongoing trauma symptoms as a bad person or some one who "refuses to get over it".

When they see traumatized character exhibit maladaptive behavior in what the reader sees as a safe environment they say "well everyone was being nice but then they started acting out, they're a shitty person and just want to misunderstand/spite other people" or "well they were out of the bad situation years ago, they're just refusing to heal and want to make it everyone else's problem." **

Firstly, simply existing after the situation that caused your trauma doesn't automatically trigger healing. Especially if the trauma is big, e.g. PTSD/cPTSD. Not to mention that being traumatized fundamentally alters your perception the world around you and of what constitutes a safe environment, and may even mean you never feel safe. And while some people may already have the coping mechanisms to begin healing by themselves, many more require external help and supportive relationships to begin to heal. If they don't have those, and often the trauma symptoms themselves present a barrier to seeking and finding help, they may never truly heal. This is especially true if the character lives in a historical/fantasy environment where therapy isn't a thing. No one wants to live in trauma, they aren't refusing to heal.

Furthermore, trauma symptoms aren't confined to being anxious, jumpy, fearful, people pleasing, feeling hopeless - pitiable, moving, and sympathetic for the observer. It's just as often bitter, angry, distrustful, hypersensitive to criticism, lashing out - aversive and alienating. But the latter is often dismissed as merely a signs of a bad person and punished in a manner intended for managing malicious intent. What type of coping a person exhibits for trauma - fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and any combo - is a complicated mix of predisposition and what exactly happened to them. It may not be pretty, but each is just as much a sign of a deeply hurt person as another. That isn't to say that working with someone who reacts with hair-trigger anger instead of anxiety isn't hard and even aversive - it is - but every one of these groups deserves help and not demonization.

** Disclaimer: I am not saying that trauma excuses or removes responsibility for harmful behavior. And trauma and genuine shittiness can certainly coexist. I'm saying that, given that we know a harmful behavior is informed by or a direct response to trauma, claiming that it is a purely sign of innate badness or 'refusal to heal' is immensely misplaced.

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Yes, I feel you. I was going to say that good or bad chaos is definitely a spectrum, but I guess the Yerkes-Dodson law reflects that as well. It also reminds me of Flow theory, by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, specifically the Flow channel model. Both of these are interesting theories, and are definitely helping me figure out how I work.

When it comes to coping mechanisms and techniques however, like I said, it’s not always easy to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel stressed, and therefor it’s hard to deal with it. So yeah, I’m certainly working on it, and at times I feel like I’m making progress, but I guess it’s a slow process of getting to know yourself when you’ve never learned to deeply evaluate what happens inside your mind and body.

Now that I’m writing this I’m realising I always want to deal with negative emotions/feelings by dealing with the cause, but there may be different ways to deal with it. I have yet to learn about those, but it would be interesting to see if I can bypass the whole pinpointing the cause of stress and deal with it faster. This seems wild to me.

Damn, writing this all down has been great, thanks. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Love,

-Chaotic Anon

Love some psychology, even if it's late at night in my timezone (oops) but I had a look at Mihály Csíkszentmihályi's flow theory, it looks really interesting, i wish i'd learnt more about positive psychology during a-levels or uni but i'm definitely intrigued now.

it's definitely interesting how you're learning almost how to analyse yourself and how you react to different levels of stress due to different external (and possibly internal) factors. honestly there are always those simple coping mechanisms like breathing exercises, which are supposed to slow a racing heart and steady one's breathing, but there's a point where it's the physical symptoms of stress and the mental symptoms too, sometimes breathing exercises aren't enough to stop the racing thoughts, and sometimes even if you can recognise a maladaptive thought, it doesn't shut your brain up from getting anxious about it (i apologise for bringing my personal experiences into it, my intentions are to make sense of the analysis of oneself and how it can be layered)...

it's interesting that you prefer to face the things that cause you stress head on, since it's common that individuals often try to avoid the stressful situations so they can avoid feeling stressed, but it can make it worse in the long run. the 'bypass the whole pinpointing the cause of stress and deal with it faster' is interesting, since with the Yerkes-Dodson Law, and with Flow, and the balance of challenge of a task and skill to deal with the task... definitely interesting, we could argue that stress is useful up to a certain point (Yerkes-Dodson Law) for performance, but the stress of a challenge can be affected by an individual's skill level when it comes to the task at hand?

i'm definitely rambling and probably not making much sense but this was very interesting to discuss anon, i hope my thoughts to it make sense because i definitely rambled😅 sorry about that.

[brawltogethernow]

Hi! Hope your year's going well. Sorry to burst into your inbox with questions but you seem like you'd know this: why is Spidey treated as the Quippy(TM) hero? Pretty much every Marvel hero quips during fights, as far as I know. But if they hear *him* quip suddenly they pretend like they're Serious and Can't Stand Smartass Comments During Fights At All? I get that whoever he's fighting/directing the comments at is supposed to hate it but why do his allies/friends also groan? Thanks in advance.

It's been a mixed bag so far, anon, but not without some good in it. And back atcha.

This is a thing because of a horrible, deeply stupid domino cascade. What happened was, in 1962 Spider-Man was very fun to read and people liked that. Immediately after this we have our first problem, where people tried to identify what was making it so fun and correctly concluded that a key component was that Peter talked a lot during fights and the way he did it.

Peter's comedic timing in classic comics is very strong, delivered in a way where you're inclined to credit the character and not just the writer, and is honestly the most regular indicator that you're dealing with a character who's supposed to be very intelligent - he comes up with witty (and often very mean) things to say about almost every situation without any apparent expenditure of effort.

This was identified as quips, which is not exactly what I would call what Peter does. What Peter does is patter - keeping up a running commentary that lets him control the rhythm of a fight. Patter follows the rhythm of a scene, where a quip acts like a brake interrupting a scene's momentum.

So far, this does not sound like a meaningful hill to die on. And it isn't. This is a nearly nonexistent bit of semantic fuzziness.

AND YET.

So now it's been like forty years and Spider-Man has a deserved reputation as an amusing character. Awareness of this has spread way beyond the field of people who actually have any reason or inclination to understand the finer ins and outs of Peter Parker's very distinct character voice. Everyone knows that what Spider-Man does is, he quips! That means he tells jokes! This is technically true, but paints an inaccurate image of Peter as someone who interrupts fights to make puns, fascinated by his own wiseassery to the point of distraction like a bird with a shiny object. This is now what the general public thinks he is like. This filters back from the general public into comics. I do not at this time know what specific releases you can point at to blame for this, but Marvel's (comic branch's) grip on Peter's voice started to get just a liiiiittle slippery here and there every once in a while in the mid-90's, as they expanded Spider-Man unsustainably beyond their three core titles, and One More Day (in 2007) basically put it in the ground.

Meanwhile, the MCU starts in 2008 with Iron Man, capturing the hearts of millions. They start building up their brand. The conviction that quips - actual quips - are key is cemented by Avengers in 2012, because everybody is besotted with the abrupt, self-fascinated, oddball way the MCU's interpretation of Tony Stark talks. As well as being amusing, this is strong character work that tells you a lot about Tony - his brain runs very fast, like Peter's, but also he's bad at connecting to people, bad at treating them with consideration in a conversation to the point of debilitation, and extremely uncomfortable expressing or receiving expressions of direct, sincere emotions. He interrupts people. He makes jokes no matter how dire the situation is as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Because he knows he's a genius, he remains convinced that he's funny regardless of whether his audience agrees.

His out-of-universe audience definitely agreed, though, and here we begin to lose the plot, again. The quippy speaking style gets shoveled around more generously in Avengers, the movie directed by the Buffyspeak guy, and is received with strong audience approval, and after that it defines the voice of the MCU. Even when that means deflating serious moments with jokes to the detriment of your film. This filters back down to the comics.

So now you've got this entire quip dimension, and an entire line of comics variably mimicking or sending up its style. And then you have Spider-Man, who everyone knows is The Quip Guy. Surely something about his quips sets him apart from everyone else quipping, since he has that reputation? No one can write this convincingly because it is not a real thing.

So that's how you get team titles that are just endless series of quips, with scenes where Spider-Man shows up to make a quip of the exact same tone and quality and then everyone around him suddenly acts like they have never heard a quip in their life, and also hate jokes and being funny. Because something has to be different about his joke style, right? It must be that there's too much of it, which is annoying? Time and place, Peter! Ha ha.

And I look at MCU Spider-Man, a character advertised as being funny because everyone knows Spider-Man is funny, who has been set up to stand out in a universe entirely populated by wiseasses who quip constantly by being written to deliver jokes with absolutely no intention behind them whatsoever, because he is stupid, because he is a teenager and clearly teens are innately stupid, and that's the joke. And I am inclined to agree: It's extremely fucking annoying.

[mimzy-writing-online]

You probably know this by now, I don't know if you keep up with Whumptober, but one of the prompts this year includes "blindness". I'm not blind but based on your posts about writing blind characters, and based on how I would feel if one of my disabilities were used as a whump prompt, I'm not super comfortable with it. I was wondering what your thoughts are on blindness being a Whumptober prompt.

(unironically and with feeling) thanks, I hate it.

Yes, I’m familiar with Whumptober, but I’ve never participated myself and I haven’t seen this year’s prompts.

Edit: I later did see the prompts and check out the blog. I think it's a good set of prompts and I look forward to all the promising content, especially since some of my favorite tropes are there. To be clear before you read this, I have no problem with Whumptober2021 or whump in general. This is not the first time blindness has been included for a list of whump prompts, and it won't be the last.

This post directed at the concept of "blindness" as a whump prompt and why I think it's a bad idea. The intended audience is individual writers thinking about future projects.

The timing of this is almost too perfect because I read a fanfic earlier this week that would meet that prompt exactly. Tags included whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. Now whump, hurt/comfort, and angst with a happy ending are tags I enjoy reading, but blindness as whump has a specific message to it.

To explain that message, I want to discuss what whump is. Many readers are already familiar with the genre, but I think taking the specific definitions and picking apart what it means and what expectations we carry when reading whump fanfiction

Urban Dictionary defines it as: taking a character and putting them through physical and/or mental torment and is typically followed by the same character being treated for their traumas. To indicate the characters place in the situation they’d typically be called a whumpee (the character being hurt/comforted), the whumper (the character that causes harm and trauma), and the caretaker (the character designated the helping/healing/comforting the whumpee).

Fanlore has a page for whump that explains it in depth, including where it started in fanfiction, examples of whump, and even a list of “popular targets” in different fandoms. (Warning: you might find yourself called out on the popular targets list)

“The term whump (or whumping) generally refers to a form of Hurt/Comfort that is heavy on the hurt and is often found in gen stories. The exact definition varies and has evolved over time. Essentially, whump involves taking a canon character, and placing them in physically painful or psychologically-damaging scenarios. Often this character is a fan favorite…”

To add to that, I think an important detail is the distinction Fanlore makes between hurt/comfort and whump:

“While some communities and fandoms may use whump as a synonym for hurt/comfort, there is still a recognition that whump refers to darker and more extreme scenarios. And there are still whump fics been written that have very little, or no comfort at the end of the story.”

The big appeal of hurt/comfort is getting to both explore the darker sides of pain and then experience the catharsis of being taken care of, of being supported by your loved ones as you recover from the trauma. The character is the proxy for experiencing those highs and lows while you yourself are safe at home.

I personally don’t read much/any whump without some h/c involved, but I’m happy there are stories out there for people who do enjoy it. I’m not here to judge what you like reading or what you do to your characters.

What I want is to express how blindness, my disability, used as a whump prompt personally makes me feel and what message it sends to me, to others, and how that message affects my daily life.

Whump undeniably involves watching a character suffer through something painful and traumatic.

My use of the word “suffer” is what I want you to focus on.

Vision loss can be painful and traumatic. I personally developed an anxiety disorder in response to vision loss. Others experience depression. For some it might result in relapsing into old, maladaptive coping mechanisms like drug use, self harm, or eating disorders.

A big part of my anxiety was how people reacted to my vision loss. It was a cause of their stress. They were worried because they genuinely believed I would never live a happy life without normal vision, and that my life would only be struggle and pain.

I recently saw an old friend who hadn’t heard about my vision loss. The conversation was awkward, but the worst part was how they reacted as though I had experienced an insurmountable tragedy. And even when I assured them I’m happy with my life, they clearly didn’t believe me. They acted like I was just lying or in denial.

I love that people want to empathize with my situation and ask themselves what they would do in my situation, but I hate when the conclusion they come to is something along the lines of “I could never do that, I’d be too miserable thinking about everything I lost, I’d never be able to do anything I enjoyed ever again.” But I did go blind. And I’m not miserable, I’m actually happy with the direction my life is going, and I still enjoy my hobbies, even if I engage with them differently.

I’m not suffering. My life didn’t end with vision loss. It’s not ruined, broken, or worthless.

I read a fanfic that was tagged with whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. A general synopsis of the plot: the whumpee had gone blind due to a curse. It was true love’s kiss that broke the curse. Even from the summary I knew it was going to end with whumpee being cured somehow and that I’d leave that fanfic vaguely dissatisfied no matter how good the rest of the fanfic was.

I can say this for the fanfic: the whumpee had already accepted that they would likely be blind for the rest of their life, but everyone around them was treating it as a tragedy that needed to be fixed, working tirelessly for a cure despite the whumpee’s protests that they didn’t have to.

It actually hit home to my personal experience.

I still left it dissatisfied with the ending. I might love curse fics in that fandom, and I love the “true love’s kiss” trope, but it wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that: an actual person out in the world thought the best happy ending, maybe the only happy ending, would be if the character got their sight back.

(note: I clicked kudos and exited out of the story's page because no fanfic writer deserves unsolicited critique or hate, especially for content I consumed for free and at my own volition.)

Why read a story I knew would disappoint me?

Because blindness representation is so damn rare that I feel like I’m wandering in a desert, dying from thirst and desperate for that oasis. But sometimes that oasis is a mirage and the author is unintentionally telling you that your life is actually awful and you’ll never be fully happy like this. And that is a shit mentality to walk through life with.

I don’t appreciate blindness being a whump plot. I hate it. Hundreds (thousands?) of fanfictions featuring blind characters are about to enter the internet and the overall message is going to be “You poor thing! You must be in so much pain, you must be miserable! Who’s going to save you? Who’s going to comfort you? Wouldn’t it be terrible if there was no one in your life to take care of you? You poor helpless thing!”

And I feel objectified. I feel trivialized. The mirage in the desert is going to become a starch, empty room filled with dozens of water bottles, almost all of them poisoned. My representation is going to hurt me personally, and it’s going to reinforce that idea strangers have about how awful my life must be.

(I returned to school this past month, and every day I’m hesitant to tell someone I’m visually impaired because I don’t want to be treated differently. If I’ve managed to pass as sighted this whole time and then suddenly reveal “oh yeah, I’m visually impaired” I feel this instant silence, this pause of awkwardness as people suddenly question how they’re supposed to treat me. They treated me like a person, and now I’m something strange and unfamiliar.)

I’ve worked so hard to improve representation for blind people, to give internet strangers the exposure to a blind person they need to normalize blindness because I hope that if they’re ever so lucky as to meet a blind person, they’ll treat that person with respect. That hope that another person in the blind community will find a friend they feel comfortable and accepted with. I hope that I’ll meet people who accept my blindness as just another aspect of me (like being bisexual or gender fluid or a writer or a cat lover).

Please don’t turn me and my community into a caricature. Don’t erase everything I’ve worked for with this blog.

To be clear, this is not just me saying "I hate the cure trope" again. This is me saying "the purpose of whump is to painfully hurt your favorite character, and I hate that your idea of pain and suffering is my daily (wonderful) life."

[spymeister]

Putting this under a cut, cause it’s some heavy shit. Warnings will be in the tag. Read at your own risk, babes. 

As someone who has personally experienced different forms of PTSD- I think about Jazz having to deal with different forms of trauma with his profession. There are going to be things he’s never going to be able to tell anyone because of NDA’s and other gag orders. There are things he experienced that no one’s going to be able to relate to because he can’t say anything about them.

He’s maladaptive when it comes to coping, and for some things- he doesn’t cope at all. It’s made me wonder how an entire army of mechanisms like this on either side could even function for any length of time without going insane. Jazz’s mal-adaptive coping mechanisms are everything from deliberately throwing himself into danger with no thought to personal life and safety.

To attempting to find a connection through berth-hopping because he’s forgotten what intimacy and safety feels like. 

Everyone sees a rather well adjusted individual- but it’s all a veneer. Underneath is a ball of anxiety, abandonment issues, non-deliberate cruelty, heavy institutionalization, forced conformity, and a certain amount of emotional trauma, abuse, and starvation. That’s not even combined with the verbal, mental, and physical abuse at the hands of others.

Then we add into the breach of self with interrogations designed to break individuals down without thought of how to build them back up. The violation of frame, self, and processor.

It just... makes me wonder how do you endure all of that, for years on end- and then come out still somewhat functional. It’s a goddamned miracle. 

I experienced physical, emotional, verbal, and mental abuse at the hands of people I cared about. One was a parent, the other was a loved one at the time. I know what it’s like to be afraid- to have to schedule my entire life around the whims and temper of another person in the hopes I won’t get hurt, or my things won’t get broken, or I won’t be told how useless I am. I don’t know near the amount of abuse someone like Jazz has likely suffered in the times he’s been alive- even if it was done during war.

Combat PTSD is something I DON’T have, but I HAVE seen the effects of it- and lived with someone who had a raging case of it from six different tours of combat in six different battlefield situations. Playing a character like this, who very much has a very good-natured persona is interesting- especially when you start diving down into the meat of them. 

If you’ve made it to the end of this tangent, I applaud you. I can’t even remember where this was going, other than just extrapolating my thoughts about the character and his experiences. And how often he might allow someone to see these little jaggedy edges that he holds- in the hopes they’ll stay despite them. 

[scriptlgbt]

TW: Transmisogyny, and mentions of sexual assault

Ask

Hi, I'd like to mention my ask is on sexual assault.

The victim (f) and abuser (m) are both cis and straight and the victim now shys away from men. But how would she see people who are not cis? Could she see a trans woman as an abuser if she knew she had a penis aka has the body part that the abuser used? How about a trans man? Or another gender identity? Especially if gender identity is not easily seen or when people don't pass as their wanted* gender. Say, the victim says she needs a woman's comfort and approaches a nonbinary character who uses male* pronouns, I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to make it sound cissexist or transphobic but still be able to validate abuse triggers and circle of comfort. Otherwise my only solution is to put all non cis people or even cis people who are nonconforming and don't present as cis out of scences with the victim, but isn't that cissexist?

Answer

I first need to link our Writing Trans Characters: Corrections of Common Mistakes post, as you've made a couple of missteps when it comes to wording. I have put red asterisks beside the issues, if it helps any. But just in case, the first one should either just say "their gender" or "their actual gender" rather than "their wanted gender" and the second asterisk is covered in the linked post.

First, I think you are asking about how one hypothetical individual would respond when this isn't necessarily the purview of this blog. Everyone responds differently to sexual assault. Not all responses are healthy coping mechanisms. And some people get PTSD and some don't. (And contrary to popular belief: the presence of PTSD is not always 1:1 with the severity of the event. But I digress.)

I can try to advise on writing this in a respectful way. I don't think people who aren't trans women specifically are qualified to write a version of this story that involves genitalia as being the factor for safety. It is specifically trans women who are constantly seen as predatory and whose genitals are seen as disqualifying them from experiencing oppression. Despite trans women facing some of the highest rates of sexual violence out of any other demographic. It would be most responsible for you as a writer to write this character's aversion to be around people who directly remind her of her assailant. Personally, I do double takes around people with the hair cut and colour of my rapist. For different reasons, I also can't deal with people when they are expressing anger, especially if it involves some kind of angry interaction with their environment, like kicking a wall or slamming down a keyboard or mouse. My reaction is to become small or initiate a fawn response, especially if I can't flee. I'm probably projecting with this one but for other survivors that I've talked to, a lot of our trauma is more about the circumstances than people who fit a whole category that our rapist belongs to. Things like a certain style of bench, certain events, florescent lighting. Being alone with just one other person you don't know very well in a situation can also make things harder. I think it makes sense to be skittish around men after experiencing violence from them. BUT It does not makes sense to group an exceptionally marginalized group of women in with them, in a fictional story you are writing. There's just too much baggage to address there, too many things tied up in that which are harmful (explicitly transmisogynist) when put in public.

It also goes into committing sexual harassment to actually ask and assume the genitalia of people you interact with. That's not information everyone has the right to, regardless of what they've been through.

Trans women are targeted by narratives that claim their bodies are somehow dangerous. Often it revolves around their genitalia, regardless of what their genitalia actually is, regardless of who they are, regardless of their experiences as survivors (when applicable, which is at least 47% of the time). That's a very specific, very transmisogynist belief. It is specifically used to justify taking their lives.

I am not trying to deny that trauma can be illogical. But it is unhealthy, maladaptive, and oppressive, to use trauma in order to marginalize people. Writing this into something fictional is dangerously irresponsible and will most likely be used as transmisogynist propaganda. Even if you mean well. It is an attitude which people use to rationalize policies which criminalize trans women and put them in extremely dangerous situations just for existing. This sort of thing has been used to rationalize hate crimes and, in cases where transmisogynoir has come into play, lynchings.

For these reasons among others, I would find a different way to write your character's triggers. Or else get a trans woman survivor to co-write these scenes. I do not trust that anyone outside of that group could write this in a way that is remotely respectful.

- mod nat

*Note: I am TME, but a TMA person was involved in sensitivity-reading this answer.

[whentherewerebicycles]

i have to wonder if there's an implication that can be drawn the other way around wrt playfulness and stress - not that un-playful individuals experience stress more acutely, but that people who experience stress more acutely become less and less playful. i have intense, disproportionate shame/fear reactions due to Childhood Trauma(tm) and it's inhibiting as fuck - my work with my singing teacher to relax and (though i've never framed it this way) play(!) w/out embarrassment has been (1/3)

one of the most healing things for me... so i think there's this nexus of inhibition & confidence/security & perspective/scale & playfulness & resilience. to be playful you have to be a bit silly and vulnerable and willing to take a risk on doing something "wrong" i.e. not take yourself too seriously, but if you feel chronically unsafe you'll take yourself & everything else too seriously and want to do it "right" so you minimize the perceived risk of harm. going back to my singing teacher (2/3)

the most important thing she did for me was create an explicitly safe, non-judgmental environment where it's not only ok but even desirable to "fuck up" and "look/sound stupid" and to reinforce that message multiple times. so anyway that quote just made me think that "don't take things/yourself too seriously" sits at this interesting intersection between increasing playfulness & coping strategies for emotional damage. sorry to ramble about it in your ask box lol! (3/3)

*

yes I think this is so so true!! all of this, lol, but especially the part about how acute stress can make it increasingly difficult to be playful. i have written a lot about working through internalized shame here in the past, and especially about the ways that shame causes you to both physically and emotionally shut down parts of yourself. (i actually gave a talk about this subject recently! it was like, a layman’s intro to the neuroscience of shame, with a specific focus on how shame responses affect people’s ability to learn & to connect socially with others in learning spaces.) 

i do just want to clarify that the excerpt i posted was from a study that was very narrowly focused on answering the question: “is there a link between playfulness levels and positive/adaptive coping mechanisms in responding to stress?” the study wasn’t designed to answer larger questions about what kinds of life experiences might produce higher levels of playfulness vs. make it difficult to be playful (such as past trauma, not having one’s basic needs for security met, etc.). in the conclusion the authors note that their findings (i.e., that playful people seem to be more able to readily access and use positive coping mechanisms) means that we should be doing more research on how to cultivate playfulness and how to help people unlearn maladaptive coping mechanisms like self-blame. so the point of the study was not to blame individuals or place the responsibility on individual people (“if you could just lighten up, you wouldn’t be so stressed / unhappy / bad at coping!”). it was more like, an attempt to establish that playfulness (as a way of engaging with the world) seems to be associated with all of these positive ways of coping and managing stress, and so we might want to research playfulness more deeply and/or focus on cultivating it in college students.

so i think you are absolutely right that when we talk about playfulness it’s important not to think of it as something that something people just “have” or don’t have (detached from any consideration of people’s backgrounds, lived experiences, etc.). and we also want to avoid pathologizing its absence (“if you don’t have a playful attitude then there’s something wrong/flawed/messed up about you that needs to be fixed”). my research is focused on understanding how we can better create learning environments like the one your singing teacher has created for you -- i.e., spaces where people feel more secure and less vulnerable to scathing or hypercritical judgment; where failures and mistakes are encouraged & normalized as a natural, healthy part of the learning experience; where instructors are modeling self-compassion and deliberately not using shame-based methods; and just in general, where students are getting the kind of gentle, compassionate, consistent messaging you describe receiving from your teacher. basically I’m interested in creating classrooms that provide the stability and consistency people need in order to learn adaptive coping mechanisms that will serve them well outside of those learning spaces.

i think these questions are so important because most college instructors are VERY aware that our students come into our classrooms carrying many different kinds of trauma—whether it’s the more extreme forms that we tend to think of when we think about trauma (childhood abuse, sexual assault, trauma experienced by combat veterans or refugees from warzones), or the forms of pervasive lowgrade trauma associated with financial precarity, racialized stress, etc., or even just the “lighter” or harder-to-classify forms of trauma that rachel naomi remen calls “the cultural shadow” (i.e., the toxic dominant culture that many of us grow up immersed in). and anyone who has taught at the college level (or taught any age level) knows that as a teacher you often have to at least temporarily play aspects of counselor / social worker / person adept at navigating university bureaucracy to help keep students in crisis from slipping through the cracks. (that is obviously NOT ideal, as those roles should be filled by trained professionals! but we have all been in those situations, where you are the first line of support for a student in crisis, or sometimes the last line of support because they have slipped through the giant holes in our country’s social safety nets.)

i think there’s been a shift in recent years towards “trauma-informed pedagogy,” but the slightly watered-down version of this approach many instructors receive tends to be very focused on mitigating harm in the classroom (ie, avoiding certain things or framing material in certain ways so as to avoid re-traumatizing students). this work is obviously HUGELY important (and my own research project is v much informed by it!). but i sometimes feel like these approaches are very damage-centered, ie very focused on understanding how students are “damaged” by their experiences and how we can “prevent further damage” in the classroom space. again, wanting to adopt teaching practices that avoid retraumatizing students is a good thing!!! but i think what i am hoping my work can do is suggest that we can and should strive for more than just limiting damage. to put this another way: i’m looking for ways to go beyond asking “how can we avoid re-traumatizing students in our classrooms?” to thinking more broadly about how we (as teachers, mentors, etc) can design learning environments and learning experiences that help students grow into healthier, happier, more emotionally resilient versions of themselves—and hopefully help build a foundation of social-emotional skills that they will take with them into their adult lives.

play is not the sole "answer” or solution! but i think that for me, it’s been one useful way to think about things like trauma-informed teaching, restorative practices, and social-emotional mentoring strategies, in ways that center a more positive, joyful understanding of what happy and emotionally well-adjusted adulthood can look/feel like. does that make sense?? i think about cultivating playfulness as just one angle onto answering these questions, or as one approach or set of strategies that people could have in their toolkits as they think about how we design learning environments. it won’t work for all students or all teachers or all learning environments, and it won’t solve all of the problems in higher ed (or in a culture where traumatic experiences are so prevalent and yet are so often left unacknowledged and untreated). but i think for me at least it’s been one generative way to reimagine some of the common structures and norms that structure higher ed learning environments.

anyway sorry to use your ask as a springboard into a long “thinking aloud” post!! but i really enjoyed reading your thoughts and i feel like it’s prompted me to articulate some thoughts that have just been sort of murkily floating around in my mind for the last couple weeks. i am also so glad for you that you have a space in your own life (and a trusted teacher figure) where you feel secure & can practice and explore being vulnerable, making mistakes, being silly/playful, etc. it sounds like she is a really wonderful teacher, and it’s so cool too that you are able to describe the ways in which that learning space has felt healing or healthy for you.

[galwaygremlin]

Autistic Headcanons Part 1- Henry from RWRB

*disclaimer bc I know the internet likes to get silly about these things: I am autistic and these are gonna come from my experience, but every autistic person’s life is different. We all have different traits and existences. Please respect that no matter what. I’m doing these because I’d like to see more people like me represented in media, and because in the cases of some characters, it just makes sense to me. These are obviously not canon. If anyone wants or needs to talk more about autism, fandom, or anything in general, my asks and DMs are always open.

Henry

my boy

my dude

heartthrob of England and the entire RWRB fandom

this guy cannot Social Skills

asking Shaan to get Alex away from him in Rio? Relatable. he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with Alex but he also doesn’t know how to get away from him, so he gets someone he trusts to handle it instead. The avoidance is strong with this one

the whole princely facade that Alex hates so much in the beginning? MASKING. it’s such a common autistic experience to be told/forced to cover up or lie about who we are, even though it goes against our very nature, for the sake of family appearances.

him completely not realizing why Alex is such a jerk to him. do I even have to explain this one? the number of times someone’s been a total ass to me and I have no idea what’s going on or why they’re mad at me, is astronomical. Henry doesn’t get why what he said was so offensive (and personally? me neither XD if it were me I’d think I was being polite)

He uses writing as an escape/coping mechanism. this one isn’t specific to autism but a lot of neurodivergent and/or mentally ill people use the creative process to help them process and filter the world. I do, and it helps a lot.

This man has definitely had British imperial history as a Special Interest. I have had a lot of morbid SpIns and I think that goes double for someone who is so dedicated to changing the British legacy and making the world a better place.

Pez being his only real friend. I know it’s bc he’s a Prince And Whatever, but having one person you latch onto who knows you and is good at handling all your Stuff (and forgetting to make other friends) is such a mood. Pez “naturally absorbs what Henry deflects” in terms of spotlight. my friends will draw attention away from me if they can tell I’m uncomfortable

Henry is meticulously organized. Gotta say I am NOT, but I know this is pretty common for other ASD friendos.

His speech patterns. He tends toward formality, but will accept slang/meme culture if it’s taught to him (see Nora: Bitch, you took me there)

“I know you like to have things written down”- Alex to Henry in the email after Henry’s come out (to disastrous results). I am very insecure in terms of the opinions of people I care about. I need reassurance. A lot. I can totally see Henry being like that.

This man ghosts Alex for months after the NYE kiss and up and DIPS after the lake house. Autistic I-can’t-figure-out-my-feelings anyone? also hello avoidance my old friend. this is literally the only way I handle my emotions.

the once upon a time email- I wanna put this one down as maladaptive daydreaming but also he’s clearly used literature as an escape for a long time and this can be an extension of the coping mechanism. often when I can’t figure out a situation, I write it in my head as a story so I can take myself out of it, and then have the “characters” solve the problem. I don’t understand it when there’s actual people involved, but as soon as they’re parts of a story, I can figure out what’s going on.

Henry awkward

There’s gonna be a part two to this where I go into actual headcanons; this was just a “canon justification for my projecting” I guess XD

[hvilested]

Are You a Maladaptive Daydreamer? Here’s How to Quit

Tess in the City

Are you a maladaptive daydreamer? Keep reading. / Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

What Is Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Maladaptive daydreaming is a psychiatric response, often due to trauma. The trend seems to be that it’s a survival technique/coping mechanism that is essentially extreme escapism. Identified by Professor Eliezer Somer, maladaptive daydreaming creates a space where people can escape into their minds while sometimes simultaneously becoming trapped by the coping mechanism which has become maladaptive meaning “not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation.”

Some of the signifiers that you might be a maladaptive daydreamer; you:

Daydream for many minutes or hours in a way that interrupts your everyday tasks and intrudes upon you actually living.

Find daydreaming a compulsive habit that’s automatic and addictive.

Make facial expressions, pace, mutter, whisper, voice imaginary conversations aloud, cry, or laugh reacting to what you’ve imagined.

Create storybook worlds where you’ve devised all the characters and play them out in your head.

Recycle characters from books, TV shows, or real people from your real life to populate your fantasies.

Are kept awake at night by your daydreams.

Note: Not all of these are necessary to be a maladaptive daydreamer. Frequently, maladaptive daydreamers have a combination of many of the above. What makes maladaptive daydreaming harmful is if it’s intruding upon your day-to-day life and if it’s addictive.

Professor Somer developed the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale (MDS) which allows daydreamers to rate the severity of their symptoms and gauge the intensity of their daydreams, their ability to control their daydreaming as well as the compulsivity of it as a behavior, the amount of distress they feel by intrusive daydreaming, their perceived benefits of daydreaming, and how much daydreaming impacts their ability to carry out every day activities.

How Do You Interrupt or Quit Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Get to the roots. Treat the trauma. Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Start Treating the Underlying Trauma

This might not be the quickest method to stop maladaptive daydreaming, but it might be the most effective longterm method. If unhappy daydreamers are more content in their fantasy realms than their everyday life, then it’s important to reflect on why that is. Since maladaptive daydreaming does seem to be linked to trauma in many cases, it makes sense to get to the root of its origins, and treat the trauma. Maladaptive daydreamers can turn to therapy, trauma release exercises you can find on YouTube (the best trauma experts of our time know that trauma needs to be released from the physical body, and it’s best to do this in conjunction with talk therapy and other methods), EMDR, trauma release yoga, other somatic exercises, medication as needed, dance, laughter, community, cognitive behavior therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, healthy dietary changes, abstinence from alcohol and drugs, positive affirmations, positive psychology, spiritualism, and joyous and healthy behaviors. Many trauma survivors who learn to live beyond what’s happened to them use multiple techniques to re-align with their wellbeing.

Identify and Reduce Triggers

It’s important to identify your triggers. When do you start maladaptive daydreaming? Is there a specific time period you usually do it? Do specific tasks like brushing your teeth, listening to music, or taking walks seem to initiate daydreams? Do you find the daydreams are more encompassing when you’re isolated, scared, sad, tired, happy, hungry, energetic? Limit any triggers, and if you do have specific triggers that are unavoidable, use some of the techniques below to interrupt the flow into daydreaming. Remember: just because something has historically triggered you doesn’t mean it has to forever.

Have Direct Open Dialogues with Yourself

Instead of talking to an imagined person in your head, be direct with yourself. You can do this aloud, or in your head, or on paper. Recently as I started getting into a loop, I paused and asked aloud “Do you want to live in your head or in the present?” and then I laughed. I closed the drawer I had left open from some other task, stood up, and returned to this article. Remember to be kind to yourself. Be silly as you correct course. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world that this is one of your challenges. We all develop tools and techniques that allow us to survive, and if they become maladaptive, hopefully, we replace them with healthier coping mechanisms. The fact that you’re reading this article means you’re on course to do just that!

Just because something has historically triggered you doesn’t mean it has to forever. / Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Switch Gears Into Analytic Action

If you can successfully switch gears into an analytic action, then you may be able to keep yourself there or at least cut the daydreaming short for awhile. According to National Geographic, daydreaming requires the empathetic part of your brain, and engaging with that part of your brain actually disconnects you from the analytical part of your brain (which helps you make reasoned decisions and focus on cognitive tasks, like getting work done). When executive functioning turns on, your empathetic part of your brain turns off and vice versa, so if you can interrupt the empathetic part even by convincing yourself to do five minutes of some task your procrastinating on, that may be enough to lodge you into that task for longer.

Count in a Foreign Language or Recite a poem

Some tasks are so repetitive that they become easy daydreaming vehicles, like teeth brushing. I don’t know if counting in another language works because it interrupts the empathetic part of the brain but when I deviate a daydream while I’m brushing my teeth into specific, focused language then I short circuit the daydream. It might have to do with it also not being possible to maintain two thoughts at once. Maybe this is also why the narrating aloud technique below also works well.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Be silly as you correct course. Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Narrate Your Actions

One of my techniques to disarming the maladaptive daydream reflex is when I feel myself drifting into another daydream, I start narrating aloud what I’m doing (first person narrative). If I’m putting things away, and I begin experiencing another place, then I might say “I’m picking up this stool. I’m moving this stool across the room. I’m folding this shirt. I’m picking up these socks.” I usually don’t have to do it for too many sentences before I begin to get more grounded in the room I’m actually in. I think it’s also important to bring yourself back to the “I.”

Track Your Time

This may sound extreme, but it works extremely well for me when I remember to do it. Tracking tasks as I’m doing them by the minute grounds me in the present. If I write 8:04AM and that I’ve begun writing next to it, and I begin writing, I might feel myself drifting off if I start playing a song or receive a text that makes me think about something else, but because I’ve already conscientiously thought about time, I’m more likely to return to my time tracking list to keep pursuing my day. So, I will try to do this as specifically as possible while writing minute details to remind myself: oh, this little task I’m doing isn’t actually what I want to be doing, or if I get lost in tasks for too long, time tracking also helps me curb that.

Example:

6:30–6:59: Woke. Brushed teeth. Read some poetry

6:59–7:27: Edited

7:27–7:39: Showered, dressed

7:39–8:44: Journaled, walked for 18 minutes with Nisaa’s book, started eating breakfast

8:44–8:52: Organized files

8:52: Coffee time!

9:00–9:20: Habit Spreadsheet

9:36–944: Ordered Paper and ink for printer :)

9:44-10:32: Work

10:32–11:15: Read

11:15–11:49: Scheduled upcoming events

11:49–1:09: Worked on literary magazine

1:09–1:28: Reviewed goals

1:29: Read

2:00–2:47: Catch up call with a friend

2:47–3:34: Updated some files

3:40–4:12: Organized papers

4:12 — 6:OO: Work

6:00— 6:40ish: Call

6:40ish-7:09: Showered

7:08–7:29: Work

7:29–8:31: Relaxation; read, listened to music.

It may seem an unreasonable way to spend your day writing tasks while you do them but so is imagining yourself in places you’re not and imagining yourself with people you’re not with. I would rather ground myself by taking some extra time to actively stay in tune with how I spend my time than not complete the tasks I really want to get that are important for my work, my writing, my existence! Some other things you might think about if you try this one: write your daily goals at the top of the page that you’re keeping track of your time on (I recommend three big daily goals like Michael Hyatt suggests). That way you’ll remember where it is you want your day to go. I don’t time track every day (I should), but I do find that even doing it for half the day helps me stay on track.

Talk to Your Doctor

Jayne Bigelson and Tina Kelley wrote an extensive piece for the Atlantic “When Daydreaming Replaces Real Life.” Within that piece, they detailed that one of the most effective medicinal treatments for maladaptive daydreaming is an OCD medication/antidepressant called Fluvoxamine. I’m not a doctor, and my first suggestion isn’t typically medication (here it’s the last), but if you’ve tried all other methods, this might be a fair road to take.

We all deserve to be present in our own lives. Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Conclusion

Maladaptive daydreaming may feel an embarrassing thing to admit you do. I felt a little embarrassed writing this initially, but then I thought about the consequences of hiding. If what helps me can help others, how can I morally be silent? There’s no shame in identifying the methods by which you survived. Learning to be grateful and accepting of what helped you get to where you are creates more ease as you navigate your way out of these mechanisms into healthier states of being.

We live in a traumatized world, and as my therapist once said: “It’s normal to react abnormally to abnormal circumstances.”

That doesn’t mean you have to stay on that course. You can start where you are and learn a new of way of living. And, I will continue writing articles that support your wellbeing. Follow me here on Medium to stay updated on future posts around trauma, wellbeing, and writing. And please, take care of yourself.

[genderfluid-existence]

Hi, I’ve been questioning if I’m genderfluid on and off for some time now, and so I thought I’d ask for advice from someone who knows that they’re genderfluid

1. Before you knew for certain that you were genderfluid did you feel like there were possibly other people in your head besides you? Not in a dissociative identity disorder kind of way, but something else? (sorry for the bad wording there)

2. What were some more obscure signs you were genderfluid?

3. Part of the reason why I don’t want to say I’m genderfluid is bc I’m worried actually cis, and that I’m just pretending to be genderfluid due wanting to fit in w/ my friend who is trans/wanting to be more queer than I already am (I already know I’m somewhere on the bi+ spectrum), it’s a coping mechanism for my semi-not-good mental state. (sorry again for the bad wording), do you have any advice regarding this?

Sorry a third time for the bad wording, but I need advice, and this seems like a good way to get it.

Howdy 🤠

I'm always very happy to help, but as always, keep in mind that you are the only person who can say what your gender is, what will make you happiest, and what is the right choice for you. I can only speak from my own experience.

1. Oh boy, quite a question right off the bat. The answer is kind of, I guess. I've actually wondered if I had DID for a long time. I almost certainly don't, but it's definitely very easy to worry that you've confused the two.

It's sort of hard to answer because I don't know specifically what you mean, if not in a DID way. But I'm curious, so do elaborate if you'd like.

I am not a different person when I am a different gender, but it's possible to think of my gendered selves as "personas" in a way, so in that way, I suppose you could explain it like that.

I also engage in a lot of self-dialogue and self-reassurance, which often manifests in my thoughts being formed in a conversational way (including the pronouns you. And yeah, I feel a little weird about it this, but it doesn't seem to cause any issues). There's nothing that indicates that I feel that there is another enitre person on the ends of these mental conversations, let alone that the two ends are different genders. However I still have yet to understand a lot about my inner workings. Some may judge this as a disorder.

Finally, I think I have some identity-formation problems. Including the fact that I often feel like my mental understanding of how I present to people changes a lot. Not strictly in a gender way, nor in a DID way (at least I hope not). I just have trouble forming a stable image of "me", so sometimes it can feel like I'm different people.

2. Hmm, interesting. I'm sure there are many that I have yet to identify since they come with time.

When I was a child I remember having a minor fascination with having a male version of myself. I've found an old drawing of myself next to an imagining of a male version of myself.

Also, I imagine that if questioning is especially long and difficult, it could be a sign of fluidity. I say this because if you feel one way for a period of time and another way for another period of time, it can feel like these experiences contradict each other, and it's abysmally confusing. Like, why don't any of my feelings line up??? If I'm a man, shouldn't I feel like a man all the time? Yesterday I didn't feel that way.

Grain of salt: questioning can be long and confusing for anyone, and dysphoria can fluctuate even for gender-solid folks.

Also, there are some indicators of being trans in general.

For example, dissociative dysphoria is a less discussed manifestation of dysphoria in which you just don't feel real/your surroundings don't feel real.

Also, irrational avoidance. When I was younger, my sister used a lot of highly feminine pet names and terms of endearment, it was just her style. But being around her made me incredibly dysphoric because of these reminders of how she saw me. So eventually I came to associate her with those bad feelings, even though I had no explination for the feelings, since this was before I even knew of transness as a concpet. It took me a while after she stopped to realize Oh shit, that's what it was. Now we've been on much better terms for years.

Also, there are signs that can be indicators of any number of psychological distress (so they could be explained by other mental health issues) like extreme escapism, sleep issues and other depressive symptoms, dissociation, aggression, anxiety, avoidance of social situations, etc.

3. This is common. Firstly, nothing is stopping you from claiming a label. Absolutely nothing. Coming out to yourself doesn't mean you have to come out to others, transition, or take any other steps. So if you're wrong, so what? A label does no harm.

What can have the potential to do harm is transitioning unnecessarily. If you think it's a maladaptive coping mechanism, my only advice is to seek counseling before taking any steps that you think you might regret.

I've never heard of a person worrying that they want to be more queer than they actually are. And indeed I've never heard a detransitioner point to this as an issue. The only thing I could think of, is perhaps a sort of munchausen syndrome where you would theoretically try and gain """ oppression points.""" To be clear, I don't think this is very likely, but not impossible. In that case if it really worries you, I would again seek counseling, since that sounds like a symptom of a larger issue.

I've not quite cracked the nut of what if it's social pressure??? to be honest. And immitation is certainly a common trait among young people (assuming you're young). So, quite honestly, is it possible that you (and I) have tried on the trans label out of imitation of peers? Yeah.

I don't know if there's a solution to this (except of course counseling) other than careful trial and error. Trying on aspects of the male (or female) role and testing to see if it makes you uncomfortable or comfortable. Indeed, many aspects of social and sexual dimorphism can be very evocative of euphoria/dysphoria. Like, being called she/her might elicit relatively minor euphoria/dysphoria, but (cw: AFAB dysphoria) the idea of being vaginally penetrated? Yeah, most people will have a pretty strong reaction to that one (cw: end).

In short, sometimes these worries about "What if it's X?" don't always have an easy answer, and I don't think any trans person can solidly eliminate the question forever. I have a friend who's more than 2 years on T and still occasionally worries that he's secretly cis. But the fact that doubt lingers doesn't stop trans people from transitioning.

I want to be careful here to not seem like I'm saying that you should run right into transitioning with no caution. I just want to frame your doubts in perspective. If gender affirming steps feel uncomfortable, and you find yourself surrounded by doubts, then it's important to listen to that and take a step back. But if you're 90% certain that transition is right for you, but that 10% of doubt is scaring you away, try and put it in perspective. There's a 10% chance you'll regret transitioning, and 90% chance that you'll regret not transitioning. And sometimes only time and experience can close the gap between 90% and 99%.

Gahhh, I seem to be infinitely apt at bloviating; sorry 🥴. Hopefully something in my essay of a response can be of use to you.

[mdconfessions]

Hi! So I’m not really sure where I fall on the MDDD spectrum, but I thought I’d just ask. So I’ve been having really immersive daydreams since I was like 8, and my paras started off based on fictional characters (TV, movies). Since the first day, I honestly can’t remember a day I haven’t added to the stories or interacted with my paras for less than 3 or 4 hours. I talk to them when doing tasks. My biggest fear is that one day I won’t be able to ‘go back’. Idk if it’s a coping mechanism or MDDD?

Hi Anon, 

Sorry for such a late response! My life has been so busy of late! Thanks so much for your patience :). 

In response to your question, daydreaming is actually a very common coping mechanism, so it is possible that your daydreaming is just that. On the other hand, the amount that you daydream and the fact that you have very specific characters in your daydreams, could point to something more. I don’t any specifics, so I can’t say anything for sure, but I do want to point out a distinction between maladaptive daydreaming (MD or MaDD) and something called “immersive daydreaming”. 

Immersive daydreamers have very similar characteristics to people with MD. One of the only (and biggest) differences is that their daydreaming isn’t maladaptive. That is, it isn’t harmful or negative to them in any way. People with MD find that their daydreaming affects their everyday life in negative ways. This might come across in difficulty socializing/no desire to socialize because of daydreams, not being able to focus on simple tasks because of daydreams, difficulty in school because of daydreams, etc. The biggest defining characteristic of MD is that it is maladaptive. It is negative and brings distress to the daydreamer. 

That being said, immersive daydreamers are very similar to MDers. Often times, these people read things about MD and they think they have it because they can relate in many different ways. Immersive daydreamers will often daydream for hours a day, have paras/fictional characters, pace when they daydream, and be very invested in their daydreams (etc.). However, this doesn’t mean they have MD. Rather, they just exhibit many similar characteristics to those with MD. 

If you are an immersive daydreamer, this might just mean that you exhibit a lot of similar characteristics but your daydreaming is manageable and doesn’t affect you negatively. You don’t find yourself distressed or anxious on a regular basis. because of it. From what I’m reading, it kind of sounds like this could be the case. But like I said, I can’t say anything for sure. I am no expert!

I would encourage you to do research and get info! The more you learn about MD, the better you can figure your situation. In addition to that, if you do find that you may be an immersive daydreamer and not an MDer, I’d like you to know that immersive daydreamers are welcome in the community as well! 

I hope this answered your question! If you have any further questions, feel free to send more asks or message me! :)

[gynandromorph]

beesbeesbees replied to your post: anger problems are possibly what i consider my...

it can flare up inappropriately i think due to the sheer measure of mistreatment abuse victims have endured so they have a lot of those feelings of being wronged built up that manifest randomly, and become a maladaptive coping mechanism if you purposely keep getting angry just because it feels good, but in general i think the amount of demonizing of anger is just really like, bad and inappropriate especially when you compare an abuse victim to their abuser!!!!!

i know motive isn’t everything and ‘but i was hurt’ is not an excuse to be angry at someone who doesn’t deserve it, but i think for one’s personal guilt it helps to think about like, WHY you’re angry and compare it to why abusers get angry. my father gets angry because he’s stressed and losing control over a situation and takes it out on others. i get angry because i am hurt and feel like i am not being heard. etc. sorry for the tangent

i agree and maybe i’m being too naive but i feel like even in the case of abuse victims who take their anger out on others is often left vague solely because it draws a circle around say, habitually logging onto twitter to report people because you’re angry and punching somebody in real life. not saying you were doing this, but i feel like there is the expectation that if you provide ANY kind of forgiveness for yourself for feeling anger, you need to say when you personally think it jumps from acceptable anger versus Abuse, and it simply doesn’t happen that way. many small boundaries are breached calmly before reaching the level of what most people consider obvious abuse (screaming, hitting, etc.) even genuine random acts of violence from strangers are usually preceded by many smaller microaggressions that should raise concern and are left unchecked.

which is probably the most frustrating part to me. anger is what will defend me in the most immediately threatening situations, and the reaction has definitely overextended to not immediately threatening situations, but very frequently it’s contextualized as overreacting and maladaptive when it isn’t. i can’t count how many times i’ve been talked down out of a defensive reaction when it was actually appropriate for me to some extremely subtle cues that the dynamic was dangerous for me. it’s frustrating that threatening suicide to control a partner is never “taking your sadness out on someone else” or making someone feel worse intentionally by passive-aggressive telling them they’re ruining your good time isn’t “taking your happiness out on someone else” but when it’s anger it’s automatically scrutinized in such a specific way.

this is basically another tangent but basically i’ve hit a point where i’ve learned that i will tolerate buckets of anger from other people, in the form of cumulative microaggressions from friends to overt physical harm, and i think that the position that it’s not somebody’s job to be your punching bag or whatever automatically jumps to assuming it’s on the level of the latter when the former is a very common occurrence in normal interactions while still being anger. i’ve realized i can tell a friend very kindly but bluntly that they were being a little mean to me and still acknowledge their feelings knowing they were just having a really bad day (because that’s what a mature and good friend does instead of holding every perceived slight against you) and then i’ve noticed when i try to extend that forgiveness to myself and expect somebody to be gentle with me on my bad days as reciprocation even if my first reaction is anger it’s like “that specifically is bad, actually”

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !