#i know often it's a maladaptive coping mechanism where your situation is out of your control so you try to find something you can control

[system-of-a-feather]

Working with Vulnerable Stuck Parts - Peer Advise

Hello all~ Our system is finally getting back into a groove of shit again now that we are back to working (yes, weird stabilizing coping mechanism, I know) and also going through a lot of training in our new job that has honestly been a joy to think about and it made me think some about how we handle things in our system that I thought might be something worth sharing with others.

I'm going to give some context about our system because I think its important to understanding the situation and thus probable limitations / specifications that this works with; so bear with me about the personal yammer, I'm only putting it cause I think its relevant.

So for context,

I am Lin and when I'm operating as a separate part, I'm a very specialized part that helps dealing with parts from the side system that tend to stay in peaceful voluntary dormancy / sleep. The side system operating like that works for the best for all of us and is something that side prefers as well, but sometimes life situations cause those parts to "wake up" and end up out. Unfortuantely a side effect of the fact that they are usually dormant or "sleeping" for months to years and usually not as integrated with our life, they tend to be pretty detatched from reality, the present, and are often much higher hazards than if they were regularly around. It is also a problem we deal with a lot because - by the nature of the system wide + their intent to be dormant, it means the only times they really front is usually when they have to / are forced to, ie - a negative trigger that other parts were not able to prevent from escalating to a point where one of those parts are sent out.

As a result, I'm usually the part that is here to minimize harm and help those parts regulate themselves, calm down, express what they need to, let them know that they're safe and welcome to interact with the system as much as they want, and eventually go back to their preferred state (often resting and dormancy). The parts from that side system are prone to a lot of impulses of self harm and suicidal ideation and a lot of maladaptive coping as that side system has some of our oldest and youngest trauma holders that have been deeply dissociated for years at this point. They're very stubborn, independent, and distrustful of parts that aren't from their side system so a lot of the usual parts other than myself are largely fighting an uphill battle to help them out. I'm kind of a mutual resident of both sides of the system and so I'm one of the only parts that is in an optimal position to help them both out.

Our system is basically at functional multiplicity / final fusion and thus - even when we get triggered like this - communication is much easier and its much more reliable for me to internally communicate. This stuff is harder with higher dissociative barriers and so this might not be practical or applicable to people who have those higher dissociative barriers or have a system structure that doesn't make this particularly applicable.

Some pointers from my experience...

When these situations come up, I think the most important thing to keep in mind and aim for is to be good company for them. If you are a good person to have around, then you are inherently going to be giving them some support during the time they are out and you are inevitably going to help them know that they are safe and welcome in the life they are in - regardless of how much they are aware of the present or the system or your current living situations. The only other thing I would say before "be good company" would be to maintain safety, because that should always be a FIRST priority; but I hesitate to say that as I find a lot of people label a lot of things a "matter of safety" way before it is ACTUALLY a "matter of safety" and thus imposing where it is not necessary and thus creating an unsafe or unpleasant company.

What is Good Company?

Good Company is really just someone who is a good part / person to have around. Ideally, if you are being Good Company, you establish a good sense of alliance and a sense of comfort for the part that is out; but I typically aim to just be someone that the part tolerates being around and occasionally hearing exist around them because often, that is the most I can ask from the part. (A lot of them dislike people and are extremely adverse to receiving help and trying to do so will often ruin any chance of working with them)

There are a few things to keep in mind and ways to make sure you are "good company" for a part.

Take time, observe, and listen to the part and what they are feeling, thinking, planning, etc.

Get to understand where they are and what they are feeling and where they are in terms of escalation / overwhelm and try to get an understanding of what they are capable of processing, considering and working with. This is important because you DO NOT want to immediately jump in and immediately start throwing suggestions and solutions and trying to make them "better" under your per-conceived understanding of what is "good for them". Often this comes off as aggressive and it takes a lot of control out of that part's hands as to how they are treated, how they should act, and how they regulate themselves. It also removes an opportunity for that part to try to practice having some agency in how they take care of themselves. Vulnerable parts have often lost a lot of sense of control and autonomy - its important to give that back to them.

Try to engage with what they are doing right now and/or thinking about.

This just means show some interest in whatever they are showing interest in. It doesn't mean you have to agree or play along, but engage in a gentle conversation or comment on what they are doing. Sometimes this can be something as large as trying to question a maladaptive core belief / cognitive distortion or something as small as just narrating / stating an observation. When in doubt, start the least intrusive into their current state and see how much of your presence they are okay with. Overall, its a good way of establishing a sense of interest and alignment with the part and what they are going through without imposing in a way that might be triggering or uncomfortable. You are there to be with them, not to fix them.

Never make demands and never tell them what to do or how to act.

You can suggest things to do, but don't make demands. These parts are already going through a lot and they often don't have as much ability to process things in a non-emotional triggered state. Even if they want to, they might not be able to genuinely consider or act upon what you are asking. You might be right and their current choices and insistence may be maladaptive and unideal, but you have to meet them where they are and the last thing you want is to increase the stress they have. If they are on low coping resources, don't ask them to do more than they have. Sometimes some coping is just not accessible at certain mental states and that's okay. This isn't to say though that you shouldn't suggest positive coping or...

Suggest and help guide them to ways that can help them regulate their emotions, cope, and get out of any dangerous or unhealthy thinking patterns.

Often these will be shut down in my experience as a lot of these parts - as much as they don't want to feel like this - feel reluctant to willingly take their attention off whatever they are fixated. It's a trauma response because - even if they feel like they are dying and don't want to feel like this - they also feel genuine fear, anger, terror, or any other self preservation emotion and often with PTSD, letting that feeling go feels like leaving yourself open to get harmed. In my experience, they will be stubborn and reject it, and that's okay. In these cases, I often bring it up again gently a little later and/or try to bring it up again later in a phrasing that is more catered to them (rather than "we can draw together" which is general, I can say "hey do you wanna draw yourself? we can draw yourself together, we have a drawing pad over there").

In the meanwhile, while they are reluctant to shift from their current mindset, its helpful to suggest modifications of whatever they are intending to do to minimize the risk and harm done by it (assuming it is a risk / harm). Rather than running away in the middle of a winter night, maybe we can go to the gym, maybe we can sit in the backyard, maybe we can take a quick walk around the house, maybe we can find a nice place to hide. This can help build up the mental resources to switch focus off of trauma or a negative stimulus and onto something more enjoyable.

Have a good time and have as much fun as you can realistically have in the moment with them.

If you can get them to a place where they are more receptive to talking to you and/or changing activities / mental focuses, try to help guide them to something that you know they enjoy or (if they have nothing they enjoy) direct them to something you think they might enjoy / something you enjoy that you think you can make fun for them too and try to just enjoy the time in the front with them. Give them a good time now that they are out. Be their friend and make this time that they are out as much of a positive one that you can despite the situation. If you can, try to say bye in some form and thank them for the time they spent with you, because even if you are helping them, it's an honor to be able to help a part out and get to know them better.

Life can suck, trauma can suck, but hey, at least I'm here and we were able to draw together.

And honestly that's really it.

It's really important though to keep in mind and remember that these parts - no matter how scary and stressful and dangerous and self injurous they might sound - are parts that have been through a lot and are often extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and have very little resources - both physically and mentally - to work with. They are going to be having a lot of struggles, quirks, and things about them that might be easy to judge or recoil from - it is at upmost importance to try your best to withold yourself from being judgemental or shaming them for how they present. Even if they are thinking and having impulses to do horrible things, even if their actions are problematic and you disagree with. Try your best to not impose your ideals and idea of a perfect coping onto them and just focus on being there for them first and foremost.

Be their friend, not their behavior police.

[lockedtombbrainworms]

Oh no yet more emotions about the duplicitous sluts...

Firstly, I think it's entirely possible G1deon could've figured out what the fuck was going on. If I'm honest, he's too clever not to, except I have a feeling Pyrrha was less "go]ing] underground, even from him" and more prodding G1d away from thinking about her.

Speaking candidly as someone who is actually sharing a body with several people (and who views G1d and Pyrrha as... if not a 1:1 map for DID, certainly a decent allegory for it), it is 100% possible for a sufficiently determined person living in your brain to make it so that every time you try to think about a certain thing, you experience a very strong mental "push" away from thinking about whatever the "thing" is. Most often, it's trauma, in my experience, but it can be a bit broader than that. In my case, before I had all this shit as well-figured-out as I did, one of the things I couldn't think about was the fact that I might not be the only one inhabiting my body, because someone in here found the idea of that utterly terrifying, and even non-consciously, they were able to deflect my thoughts away from thinking about that. That was a powerful enough effect that I knew and was friends with other plural systems for about six years before I realised that maybe "I" was one as well. As for whether Pyrrha could've pulled that shit off for ten thousand years? I honestly don't know - in my case, trying not to think about the plural shit was a maladaptive coping mechanism, but trying to stop your system host from thinking about being plural is a lot less maladaptive when there's at least some level of possibility that something horrendous will happen to one or both of you if the host figures it all out. We don't know enough about what happened with Anastasia and Samael to say for sure, but at least some of the lyctors might've come away from that with a very clear idea of how John would react in a situation where someone didn't consume their cavalier's soul entirely.

It's entirely possible Pyrrha didn't even realise she was doing it, most of it would've come while he was conscious and she wasn't, and a lot of it could've been subconscious. Of course the other possibility is that G1deon himself spent that myriad dealing with enough cognitive dissonance around the idea of Pyrrha being present that she didn't have to do anything to repress it herself. Would G1deon let himself think about something like that, something he knew he might have to keep from John? By the time the books take place he obviously doesn't care about keeping some secrets, what with the Wake thing, but "something else is going on with the lyctor process and maybe our cavaliers didn't have to die, and maybe you lied to us" is probably a bigger thing for him emotionally than "I'm banging one of your enemies".

Anyway he's far too tragic a character and I could make a pretty compelling argument for his character arc not quite being complete, so maybe we'll get more G1d in Alecto, or in a short story associated with either NTN or ATN, or something. I can hope.

Thinking about G1deon and Pyrrha on this fine morning. Like. Pyrrha implies that her necromancer wasn't aware that her soul was still around, but. He's not stupid. This man was an engineer who helped build spacefaring tech. I find it very hard to believe that over thousands of years, he experienced blackouts and gaps in his memory and didn't at least suspect that this was going on. Especially during his affair with Wake - there is no way she never dropped a comment even hinting at how there's sometimes another person inhabiting his body.

Imagine thinking your best friend and platonic (?) life partner is dead and gone, only to start suspecting your memory gaps and increasingly tenuous grasp on reality are really just her still being around - but before you can confirm or deny these suspicions, you just fucking die because none of your shitty siblings in lyctorhood thought it important enough to help you fight a goddamn RB.

[brawltogethernow]

Hi! Hope your year's going well. Sorry to burst into your inbox with questions but you seem like you'd know this: why is Spidey treated as the Quippy(TM) hero? Pretty much every Marvel hero quips during fights, as far as I know. But if they hear *him* quip suddenly they pretend like they're Serious and Can't Stand Smartass Comments During Fights At All? I get that whoever he's fighting/directing the comments at is supposed to hate it but why do his allies/friends also groan? Thanks in advance.

It's been a mixed bag so far, anon, but not without some good in it. And back atcha.

This is a thing because of a horrible, deeply stupid domino cascade. What happened was, in 1962 Spider-Man was very fun to read and people liked that. Immediately after this we have our first problem, where people tried to identify what was making it so fun and correctly concluded that a key component was that Peter talked a lot during fights and the way he did it.

Peter's comedic timing in classic comics is very strong, delivered in a way where you're inclined to credit the character and not just the writer, and is honestly the most regular indicator that you're dealing with a character who's supposed to be very intelligent - he comes up with witty (and often very mean) things to say about almost every situation without any apparent expenditure of effort.

This was identified as quips, which is not exactly what I would call what Peter does. What Peter does is patter - keeping up a running commentary that lets him control the rhythm of a fight. Patter follows the rhythm of a scene, where a quip acts like a brake interrupting a scene's momentum.

So far, this does not sound like a meaningful hill to die on. And it isn't. This is a nearly nonexistent bit of semantic fuzziness.

AND YET.

So now it's been like forty years and Spider-Man has a deserved reputation as an amusing character. Awareness of this has spread way beyond the field of people who actually have any reason or inclination to understand the finer ins and outs of Peter Parker's very distinct character voice. Everyone knows that what Spider-Man does is, he quips! That means he tells jokes! This is technically true, but paints an inaccurate image of Peter as someone who interrupts fights to make puns, fascinated by his own wiseassery to the point of distraction like a bird with a shiny object. This is now what the general public thinks he is like. This filters back from the general public into comics. I do not at this time know what specific releases you can point at to blame for this, but Marvel's (comic branch's) grip on Peter's voice started to get just a liiiiittle slippery here and there every once in a while in the mid-90's, as they expanded Spider-Man unsustainably beyond their three core titles, and One More Day (in 2007) basically put it in the ground.

Meanwhile, the MCU starts in 2008 with Iron Man, capturing the hearts of millions. They start building up their brand. The conviction that quips - actual quips - are key is cemented by Avengers in 2012, because everybody is besotted with the abrupt, self-fascinated, oddball way the MCU's interpretation of Tony Stark talks. As well as being amusing, this is strong character work that tells you a lot about Tony - his brain runs very fast, like Peter's, but also he's bad at connecting to people, bad at treating them with consideration in a conversation to the point of debilitation, and extremely uncomfortable expressing or receiving expressions of direct, sincere emotions. He interrupts people. He makes jokes no matter how dire the situation is as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Because he knows he's a genius, he remains convinced that he's funny regardless of whether his audience agrees.

His out-of-universe audience definitely agreed, though, and here we begin to lose the plot, again. The quippy speaking style gets shoveled around more generously in Avengers, the movie directed by the Buffyspeak guy, and is received with strong audience approval, and after that it defines the voice of the MCU. Even when that means deflating serious moments with jokes to the detriment of your film. This filters back down to the comics.

So now you've got this entire quip dimension, and an entire line of comics variably mimicking or sending up its style. And then you have Spider-Man, who everyone knows is The Quip Guy. Surely something about his quips sets him apart from everyone else quipping, since he has that reputation? No one can write this convincingly because it is not a real thing.

So that's how you get team titles that are just endless series of quips, with scenes where Spider-Man shows up to make a quip of the exact same tone and quality and then everyone around him suddenly acts like they have never heard a quip in their life, and also hate jokes and being funny. Because something has to be different about his joke style, right? It must be that there's too much of it, which is annoying? Time and place, Peter! Ha ha.

And I look at MCU Spider-Man, a character advertised as being funny because everyone knows Spider-Man is funny, who has been set up to stand out in a universe entirely populated by wiseasses who quip constantly by being written to deliver jokes with absolutely no intention behind them whatsoever, because he is stupid, because he is a teenager and clearly teens are innately stupid, and that's the joke. And I am inclined to agree: It's extremely fucking annoying.

[mimzy-writing-online]

You probably know this by now, I don't know if you keep up with Whumptober, but one of the prompts this year includes "blindness". I'm not blind but based on your posts about writing blind characters, and based on how I would feel if one of my disabilities were used as a whump prompt, I'm not super comfortable with it. I was wondering what your thoughts are on blindness being a Whumptober prompt.

(unironically and with feeling) thanks, I hate it.

Yes, I’m familiar with Whumptober, but I’ve never participated myself and I haven’t seen this year’s prompts.

Edit: I later did see the prompts and check out the blog. I think it's a good set of prompts and I look forward to all the promising content, especially since some of my favorite tropes are there. To be clear before you read this, I have no problem with Whumptober2021 or whump in general. This is not the first time blindness has been included for a list of whump prompts, and it won't be the last.

This post directed at the concept of "blindness" as a whump prompt and why I think it's a bad idea. The intended audience is individual writers thinking about future projects.

The timing of this is almost too perfect because I read a fanfic earlier this week that would meet that prompt exactly. Tags included whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. Now whump, hurt/comfort, and angst with a happy ending are tags I enjoy reading, but blindness as whump has a specific message to it.

To explain that message, I want to discuss what whump is. Many readers are already familiar with the genre, but I think taking the specific definitions and picking apart what it means and what expectations we carry when reading whump fanfiction

Urban Dictionary defines it as: taking a character and putting them through physical and/or mental torment and is typically followed by the same character being treated for their traumas. To indicate the characters place in the situation they’d typically be called a whumpee (the character being hurt/comforted), the whumper (the character that causes harm and trauma), and the caretaker (the character designated the helping/healing/comforting the whumpee).

Fanlore has a page for whump that explains it in depth, including where it started in fanfiction, examples of whump, and even a list of “popular targets” in different fandoms. (Warning: you might find yourself called out on the popular targets list)

“The term whump (or whumping) generally refers to a form of Hurt/Comfort that is heavy on the hurt and is often found in gen stories. The exact definition varies and has evolved over time. Essentially, whump involves taking a canon character, and placing them in physically painful or psychologically-damaging scenarios. Often this character is a fan favorite…”

To add to that, I think an important detail is the distinction Fanlore makes between hurt/comfort and whump:

“While some communities and fandoms may use whump as a synonym for hurt/comfort, there is still a recognition that whump refers to darker and more extreme scenarios. And there are still whump fics been written that have very little, or no comfort at the end of the story.”

The big appeal of hurt/comfort is getting to both explore the darker sides of pain and then experience the catharsis of being taken care of, of being supported by your loved ones as you recover from the trauma. The character is the proxy for experiencing those highs and lows while you yourself are safe at home.

I personally don’t read much/any whump without some h/c involved, but I’m happy there are stories out there for people who do enjoy it. I’m not here to judge what you like reading or what you do to your characters.

What I want is to express how blindness, my disability, used as a whump prompt personally makes me feel and what message it sends to me, to others, and how that message affects my daily life.

Whump undeniably involves watching a character suffer through something painful and traumatic.

My use of the word “suffer” is what I want you to focus on.

Vision loss can be painful and traumatic. I personally developed an anxiety disorder in response to vision loss. Others experience depression. For some it might result in relapsing into old, maladaptive coping mechanisms like drug use, self harm, or eating disorders.

A big part of my anxiety was how people reacted to my vision loss. It was a cause of their stress. They were worried because they genuinely believed I would never live a happy life without normal vision, and that my life would only be struggle and pain.

I recently saw an old friend who hadn’t heard about my vision loss. The conversation was awkward, but the worst part was how they reacted as though I had experienced an insurmountable tragedy. And even when I assured them I’m happy with my life, they clearly didn’t believe me. They acted like I was just lying or in denial.

I love that people want to empathize with my situation and ask themselves what they would do in my situation, but I hate when the conclusion they come to is something along the lines of “I could never do that, I’d be too miserable thinking about everything I lost, I’d never be able to do anything I enjoyed ever again.” But I did go blind. And I’m not miserable, I’m actually happy with the direction my life is going, and I still enjoy my hobbies, even if I engage with them differently.

I’m not suffering. My life didn’t end with vision loss. It’s not ruined, broken, or worthless.

I read a fanfic that was tagged with whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. A general synopsis of the plot: the whumpee had gone blind due to a curse. It was true love’s kiss that broke the curse. Even from the summary I knew it was going to end with whumpee being cured somehow and that I’d leave that fanfic vaguely dissatisfied no matter how good the rest of the fanfic was.

I can say this for the fanfic: the whumpee had already accepted that they would likely be blind for the rest of their life, but everyone around them was treating it as a tragedy that needed to be fixed, working tirelessly for a cure despite the whumpee’s protests that they didn’t have to.

It actually hit home to my personal experience.

I still left it dissatisfied with the ending. I might love curse fics in that fandom, and I love the “true love’s kiss” trope, but it wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that: an actual person out in the world thought the best happy ending, maybe the only happy ending, would be if the character got their sight back.

(note: I clicked kudos and exited out of the story's page because no fanfic writer deserves unsolicited critique or hate, especially for content I consumed for free and at my own volition.)

Why read a story I knew would disappoint me?

Because blindness representation is so damn rare that I feel like I’m wandering in a desert, dying from thirst and desperate for that oasis. But sometimes that oasis is a mirage and the author is unintentionally telling you that your life is actually awful and you’ll never be fully happy like this. And that is a shit mentality to walk through life with.

I don’t appreciate blindness being a whump plot. I hate it. Hundreds (thousands?) of fanfictions featuring blind characters are about to enter the internet and the overall message is going to be “You poor thing! You must be in so much pain, you must be miserable! Who’s going to save you? Who’s going to comfort you? Wouldn’t it be terrible if there was no one in your life to take care of you? You poor helpless thing!”

And I feel objectified. I feel trivialized. The mirage in the desert is going to become a starch, empty room filled with dozens of water bottles, almost all of them poisoned. My representation is going to hurt me personally, and it’s going to reinforce that idea strangers have about how awful my life must be.

(I returned to school this past month, and every day I’m hesitant to tell someone I’m visually impaired because I don’t want to be treated differently. If I’ve managed to pass as sighted this whole time and then suddenly reveal “oh yeah, I’m visually impaired” I feel this instant silence, this pause of awkwardness as people suddenly question how they’re supposed to treat me. They treated me like a person, and now I’m something strange and unfamiliar.)

I’ve worked so hard to improve representation for blind people, to give internet strangers the exposure to a blind person they need to normalize blindness because I hope that if they’re ever so lucky as to meet a blind person, they’ll treat that person with respect. That hope that another person in the blind community will find a friend they feel comfortable and accepted with. I hope that I’ll meet people who accept my blindness as just another aspect of me (like being bisexual or gender fluid or a writer or a cat lover).

Please don’t turn me and my community into a caricature. Don’t erase everything I’ve worked for with this blog.

To be clear, this is not just me saying "I hate the cure trope" again. This is me saying "the purpose of whump is to painfully hurt your favorite character, and I hate that your idea of pain and suffering is my daily (wonderful) life."

[scriptlgbt]

TW: Transmisogyny, and mentions of sexual assault

Ask

Hi, I'd like to mention my ask is on sexual assault.

The victim (f) and abuser (m) are both cis and straight and the victim now shys away from men. But how would she see people who are not cis? Could she see a trans woman as an abuser if she knew she had a penis aka has the body part that the abuser used? How about a trans man? Or another gender identity? Especially if gender identity is not easily seen or when people don't pass as their wanted* gender. Say, the victim says she needs a woman's comfort and approaches a nonbinary character who uses male* pronouns, I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to make it sound cissexist or transphobic but still be able to validate abuse triggers and circle of comfort. Otherwise my only solution is to put all non cis people or even cis people who are nonconforming and don't present as cis out of scences with the victim, but isn't that cissexist?

Answer

I first need to link our Writing Trans Characters: Corrections of Common Mistakes post, as you've made a couple of missteps when it comes to wording. I have put red asterisks beside the issues, if it helps any. But just in case, the first one should either just say "their gender" or "their actual gender" rather than "their wanted gender" and the second asterisk is covered in the linked post.

First, I think you are asking about how one hypothetical individual would respond when this isn't necessarily the purview of this blog. Everyone responds differently to sexual assault. Not all responses are healthy coping mechanisms. And some people get PTSD and some don't. (And contrary to popular belief: the presence of PTSD is not always 1:1 with the severity of the event. But I digress.)

I can try to advise on writing this in a respectful way. I don't think people who aren't trans women specifically are qualified to write a version of this story that involves genitalia as being the factor for safety. It is specifically trans women who are constantly seen as predatory and whose genitals are seen as disqualifying them from experiencing oppression. Despite trans women facing some of the highest rates of sexual violence out of any other demographic. It would be most responsible for you as a writer to write this character's aversion to be around people who directly remind her of her assailant. Personally, I do double takes around people with the hair cut and colour of my rapist. For different reasons, I also can't deal with people when they are expressing anger, especially if it involves some kind of angry interaction with their environment, like kicking a wall or slamming down a keyboard or mouse. My reaction is to become small or initiate a fawn response, especially if I can't flee. I'm probably projecting with this one but for other survivors that I've talked to, a lot of our trauma is more about the circumstances than people who fit a whole category that our rapist belongs to. Things like a certain style of bench, certain events, florescent lighting. Being alone with just one other person you don't know very well in a situation can also make things harder. I think it makes sense to be skittish around men after experiencing violence from them. BUT It does not makes sense to group an exceptionally marginalized group of women in with them, in a fictional story you are writing. There's just too much baggage to address there, too many things tied up in that which are harmful (explicitly transmisogynist) when put in public.

It also goes into committing sexual harassment to actually ask and assume the genitalia of people you interact with. That's not information everyone has the right to, regardless of what they've been through.

Trans women are targeted by narratives that claim their bodies are somehow dangerous. Often it revolves around their genitalia, regardless of what their genitalia actually is, regardless of who they are, regardless of their experiences as survivors (when applicable, which is at least 47% of the time). That's a very specific, very transmisogynist belief. It is specifically used to justify taking their lives.

I am not trying to deny that trauma can be illogical. But it is unhealthy, maladaptive, and oppressive, to use trauma in order to marginalize people. Writing this into something fictional is dangerously irresponsible and will most likely be used as transmisogynist propaganda. Even if you mean well. It is an attitude which people use to rationalize policies which criminalize trans women and put them in extremely dangerous situations just for existing. This sort of thing has been used to rationalize hate crimes and, in cases where transmisogynoir has come into play, lynchings.

For these reasons among others, I would find a different way to write your character's triggers. Or else get a trans woman survivor to co-write these scenes. I do not trust that anyone outside of that group could write this in a way that is remotely respectful.

- mod nat

*Note: I am TME, but a TMA person was involved in sensitivity-reading this answer.

[whentherewerebicycles]

i have to wonder if there's an implication that can be drawn the other way around wrt playfulness and stress - not that un-playful individuals experience stress more acutely, but that people who experience stress more acutely become less and less playful. i have intense, disproportionate shame/fear reactions due to Childhood Trauma(tm) and it's inhibiting as fuck - my work with my singing teacher to relax and (though i've never framed it this way) play(!) w/out embarrassment has been (1/3)

one of the most healing things for me... so i think there's this nexus of inhibition & confidence/security & perspective/scale & playfulness & resilience. to be playful you have to be a bit silly and vulnerable and willing to take a risk on doing something "wrong" i.e. not take yourself too seriously, but if you feel chronically unsafe you'll take yourself & everything else too seriously and want to do it "right" so you minimize the perceived risk of harm. going back to my singing teacher (2/3)

the most important thing she did for me was create an explicitly safe, non-judgmental environment where it's not only ok but even desirable to "fuck up" and "look/sound stupid" and to reinforce that message multiple times. so anyway that quote just made me think that "don't take things/yourself too seriously" sits at this interesting intersection between increasing playfulness & coping strategies for emotional damage. sorry to ramble about it in your ask box lol! (3/3)

*

yes I think this is so so true!! all of this, lol, but especially the part about how acute stress can make it increasingly difficult to be playful. i have written a lot about working through internalized shame here in the past, and especially about the ways that shame causes you to both physically and emotionally shut down parts of yourself. (i actually gave a talk about this subject recently! it was like, a layman’s intro to the neuroscience of shame, with a specific focus on how shame responses affect people’s ability to learn & to connect socially with others in learning spaces.) 

i do just want to clarify that the excerpt i posted was from a study that was very narrowly focused on answering the question: “is there a link between playfulness levels and positive/adaptive coping mechanisms in responding to stress?” the study wasn’t designed to answer larger questions about what kinds of life experiences might produce higher levels of playfulness vs. make it difficult to be playful (such as past trauma, not having one’s basic needs for security met, etc.). in the conclusion the authors note that their findings (i.e., that playful people seem to be more able to readily access and use positive coping mechanisms) means that we should be doing more research on how to cultivate playfulness and how to help people unlearn maladaptive coping mechanisms like self-blame. so the point of the study was not to blame individuals or place the responsibility on individual people (“if you could just lighten up, you wouldn’t be so stressed / unhappy / bad at coping!”). it was more like, an attempt to establish that playfulness (as a way of engaging with the world) seems to be associated with all of these positive ways of coping and managing stress, and so we might want to research playfulness more deeply and/or focus on cultivating it in college students.

so i think you are absolutely right that when we talk about playfulness it’s important not to think of it as something that something people just “have” or don’t have (detached from any consideration of people’s backgrounds, lived experiences, etc.). and we also want to avoid pathologizing its absence (“if you don’t have a playful attitude then there’s something wrong/flawed/messed up about you that needs to be fixed”). my research is focused on understanding how we can better create learning environments like the one your singing teacher has created for you -- i.e., spaces where people feel more secure and less vulnerable to scathing or hypercritical judgment; where failures and mistakes are encouraged & normalized as a natural, healthy part of the learning experience; where instructors are modeling self-compassion and deliberately not using shame-based methods; and just in general, where students are getting the kind of gentle, compassionate, consistent messaging you describe receiving from your teacher. basically I’m interested in creating classrooms that provide the stability and consistency people need in order to learn adaptive coping mechanisms that will serve them well outside of those learning spaces.

i think these questions are so important because most college instructors are VERY aware that our students come into our classrooms carrying many different kinds of trauma—whether it’s the more extreme forms that we tend to think of when we think about trauma (childhood abuse, sexual assault, trauma experienced by combat veterans or refugees from warzones), or the forms of pervasive lowgrade trauma associated with financial precarity, racialized stress, etc., or even just the “lighter” or harder-to-classify forms of trauma that rachel naomi remen calls “the cultural shadow” (i.e., the toxic dominant culture that many of us grow up immersed in). and anyone who has taught at the college level (or taught any age level) knows that as a teacher you often have to at least temporarily play aspects of counselor / social worker / person adept at navigating university bureaucracy to help keep students in crisis from slipping through the cracks. (that is obviously NOT ideal, as those roles should be filled by trained professionals! but we have all been in those situations, where you are the first line of support for a student in crisis, or sometimes the last line of support because they have slipped through the giant holes in our country’s social safety nets.)

i think there’s been a shift in recent years towards “trauma-informed pedagogy,” but the slightly watered-down version of this approach many instructors receive tends to be very focused on mitigating harm in the classroom (ie, avoiding certain things or framing material in certain ways so as to avoid re-traumatizing students). this work is obviously HUGELY important (and my own research project is v much informed by it!). but i sometimes feel like these approaches are very damage-centered, ie very focused on understanding how students are “damaged” by their experiences and how we can “prevent further damage” in the classroom space. again, wanting to adopt teaching practices that avoid retraumatizing students is a good thing!!! but i think what i am hoping my work can do is suggest that we can and should strive for more than just limiting damage. to put this another way: i’m looking for ways to go beyond asking “how can we avoid re-traumatizing students in our classrooms?” to thinking more broadly about how we (as teachers, mentors, etc) can design learning environments and learning experiences that help students grow into healthier, happier, more emotionally resilient versions of themselves—and hopefully help build a foundation of social-emotional skills that they will take with them into their adult lives.

play is not the sole "answer” or solution! but i think that for me, it’s been one useful way to think about things like trauma-informed teaching, restorative practices, and social-emotional mentoring strategies, in ways that center a more positive, joyful understanding of what happy and emotionally well-adjusted adulthood can look/feel like. does that make sense?? i think about cultivating playfulness as just one angle onto answering these questions, or as one approach or set of strategies that people could have in their toolkits as they think about how we design learning environments. it won’t work for all students or all teachers or all learning environments, and it won’t solve all of the problems in higher ed (or in a culture where traumatic experiences are so prevalent and yet are so often left unacknowledged and untreated). but i think for me at least it’s been one generative way to reimagine some of the common structures and norms that structure higher ed learning environments.

anyway sorry to use your ask as a springboard into a long “thinking aloud” post!! but i really enjoyed reading your thoughts and i feel like it’s prompted me to articulate some thoughts that have just been sort of murkily floating around in my mind for the last couple weeks. i am also so glad for you that you have a space in your own life (and a trusted teacher figure) where you feel secure & can practice and explore being vulnerable, making mistakes, being silly/playful, etc. it sounds like she is a really wonderful teacher, and it’s so cool too that you are able to describe the ways in which that learning space has felt healing or healthy for you.

[genderfluid-existence]

Hi, I’ve been questioning if I’m genderfluid on and off for some time now, and so I thought I’d ask for advice from someone who knows that they’re genderfluid

1. Before you knew for certain that you were genderfluid did you feel like there were possibly other people in your head besides you? Not in a dissociative identity disorder kind of way, but something else? (sorry for the bad wording there)

2. What were some more obscure signs you were genderfluid?

3. Part of the reason why I don’t want to say I’m genderfluid is bc I’m worried actually cis, and that I’m just pretending to be genderfluid due wanting to fit in w/ my friend who is trans/wanting to be more queer than I already am (I already know I’m somewhere on the bi+ spectrum), it’s a coping mechanism for my semi-not-good mental state. (sorry again for the bad wording), do you have any advice regarding this?

Sorry a third time for the bad wording, but I need advice, and this seems like a good way to get it.

Howdy 🤠

I'm always very happy to help, but as always, keep in mind that you are the only person who can say what your gender is, what will make you happiest, and what is the right choice for you. I can only speak from my own experience.

1. Oh boy, quite a question right off the bat. The answer is kind of, I guess. I've actually wondered if I had DID for a long time. I almost certainly don't, but it's definitely very easy to worry that you've confused the two.

It's sort of hard to answer because I don't know specifically what you mean, if not in a DID way. But I'm curious, so do elaborate if you'd like.

I am not a different person when I am a different gender, but it's possible to think of my gendered selves as "personas" in a way, so in that way, I suppose you could explain it like that.

I also engage in a lot of self-dialogue and self-reassurance, which often manifests in my thoughts being formed in a conversational way (including the pronouns you. And yeah, I feel a little weird about it this, but it doesn't seem to cause any issues). There's nothing that indicates that I feel that there is another enitre person on the ends of these mental conversations, let alone that the two ends are different genders. However I still have yet to understand a lot about my inner workings. Some may judge this as a disorder.

Finally, I think I have some identity-formation problems. Including the fact that I often feel like my mental understanding of how I present to people changes a lot. Not strictly in a gender way, nor in a DID way (at least I hope not). I just have trouble forming a stable image of "me", so sometimes it can feel like I'm different people.

2. Hmm, interesting. I'm sure there are many that I have yet to identify since they come with time.

When I was a child I remember having a minor fascination with having a male version of myself. I've found an old drawing of myself next to an imagining of a male version of myself.

Also, I imagine that if questioning is especially long and difficult, it could be a sign of fluidity. I say this because if you feel one way for a period of time and another way for another period of time, it can feel like these experiences contradict each other, and it's abysmally confusing. Like, why don't any of my feelings line up??? If I'm a man, shouldn't I feel like a man all the time? Yesterday I didn't feel that way.

Grain of salt: questioning can be long and confusing for anyone, and dysphoria can fluctuate even for gender-solid folks.

Also, there are some indicators of being trans in general.

For example, dissociative dysphoria is a less discussed manifestation of dysphoria in which you just don't feel real/your surroundings don't feel real.

Also, irrational avoidance. When I was younger, my sister used a lot of highly feminine pet names and terms of endearment, it was just her style. But being around her made me incredibly dysphoric because of these reminders of how she saw me. So eventually I came to associate her with those bad feelings, even though I had no explination for the feelings, since this was before I even knew of transness as a concpet. It took me a while after she stopped to realize Oh shit, that's what it was. Now we've been on much better terms for years.

Also, there are signs that can be indicators of any number of psychological distress (so they could be explained by other mental health issues) like extreme escapism, sleep issues and other depressive symptoms, dissociation, aggression, anxiety, avoidance of social situations, etc.

3. This is common. Firstly, nothing is stopping you from claiming a label. Absolutely nothing. Coming out to yourself doesn't mean you have to come out to others, transition, or take any other steps. So if you're wrong, so what? A label does no harm.

What can have the potential to do harm is transitioning unnecessarily. If you think it's a maladaptive coping mechanism, my only advice is to seek counseling before taking any steps that you think you might regret.

I've never heard of a person worrying that they want to be more queer than they actually are. And indeed I've never heard a detransitioner point to this as an issue. The only thing I could think of, is perhaps a sort of munchausen syndrome where you would theoretically try and gain """ oppression points.""" To be clear, I don't think this is very likely, but not impossible. In that case if it really worries you, I would again seek counseling, since that sounds like a symptom of a larger issue.

I've not quite cracked the nut of what if it's social pressure??? to be honest. And immitation is certainly a common trait among young people (assuming you're young). So, quite honestly, is it possible that you (and I) have tried on the trans label out of imitation of peers? Yeah.

I don't know if there's a solution to this (except of course counseling) other than careful trial and error. Trying on aspects of the male (or female) role and testing to see if it makes you uncomfortable or comfortable. Indeed, many aspects of social and sexual dimorphism can be very evocative of euphoria/dysphoria. Like, being called she/her might elicit relatively minor euphoria/dysphoria, but (cw: AFAB dysphoria) the idea of being vaginally penetrated? Yeah, most people will have a pretty strong reaction to that one (cw: end).

In short, sometimes these worries about "What if it's X?" don't always have an easy answer, and I don't think any trans person can solidly eliminate the question forever. I have a friend who's more than 2 years on T and still occasionally worries that he's secretly cis. But the fact that doubt lingers doesn't stop trans people from transitioning.

I want to be careful here to not seem like I'm saying that you should run right into transitioning with no caution. I just want to frame your doubts in perspective. If gender affirming steps feel uncomfortable, and you find yourself surrounded by doubts, then it's important to listen to that and take a step back. But if you're 90% certain that transition is right for you, but that 10% of doubt is scaring you away, try and put it in perspective. There's a 10% chance you'll regret transitioning, and 90% chance that you'll regret not transitioning. And sometimes only time and experience can close the gap between 90% and 99%.

Gahhh, I seem to be infinitely apt at bloviating; sorry 🥴. Hopefully something in my essay of a response can be of use to you.

[mdconfessions]

Hi! So I’m not really sure where I fall on the MDDD spectrum, but I thought I’d just ask. So I’ve been having really immersive daydreams since I was like 8, and my paras started off based on fictional characters (TV, movies). Since the first day, I honestly can’t remember a day I haven’t added to the stories or interacted with my paras for less than 3 or 4 hours. I talk to them when doing tasks. My biggest fear is that one day I won’t be able to ‘go back’. Idk if it’s a coping mechanism or MDDD?

Hi Anon, 

Sorry for such a late response! My life has been so busy of late! Thanks so much for your patience :). 

In response to your question, daydreaming is actually a very common coping mechanism, so it is possible that your daydreaming is just that. On the other hand, the amount that you daydream and the fact that you have very specific characters in your daydreams, could point to something more. I don’t any specifics, so I can’t say anything for sure, but I do want to point out a distinction between maladaptive daydreaming (MD or MaDD) and something called “immersive daydreaming”. 

Immersive daydreamers have very similar characteristics to people with MD. One of the only (and biggest) differences is that their daydreaming isn’t maladaptive. That is, it isn’t harmful or negative to them in any way. People with MD find that their daydreaming affects their everyday life in negative ways. This might come across in difficulty socializing/no desire to socialize because of daydreams, not being able to focus on simple tasks because of daydreams, difficulty in school because of daydreams, etc. The biggest defining characteristic of MD is that it is maladaptive. It is negative and brings distress to the daydreamer. 

That being said, immersive daydreamers are very similar to MDers. Often times, these people read things about MD and they think they have it because they can relate in many different ways. Immersive daydreamers will often daydream for hours a day, have paras/fictional characters, pace when they daydream, and be very invested in their daydreams (etc.). However, this doesn’t mean they have MD. Rather, they just exhibit many similar characteristics to those with MD. 

If you are an immersive daydreamer, this might just mean that you exhibit a lot of similar characteristics but your daydreaming is manageable and doesn’t affect you negatively. You don’t find yourself distressed or anxious on a regular basis. because of it. From what I’m reading, it kind of sounds like this could be the case. But like I said, I can’t say anything for sure. I am no expert!

I would encourage you to do research and get info! The more you learn about MD, the better you can figure your situation. In addition to that, if you do find that you may be an immersive daydreamer and not an MDer, I’d like you to know that immersive daydreamers are welcome in the community as well! 

I hope this answered your question! If you have any further questions, feel free to send more asks or message me! :)

[gynandromorph]

beesbeesbees replied to your post: anger problems are possibly what i consider my...

it can flare up inappropriately i think due to the sheer measure of mistreatment abuse victims have endured so they have a lot of those feelings of being wronged built up that manifest randomly, and become a maladaptive coping mechanism if you purposely keep getting angry just because it feels good, but in general i think the amount of demonizing of anger is just really like, bad and inappropriate especially when you compare an abuse victim to their abuser!!!!!

i know motive isn’t everything and ‘but i was hurt’ is not an excuse to be angry at someone who doesn’t deserve it, but i think for one’s personal guilt it helps to think about like, WHY you’re angry and compare it to why abusers get angry. my father gets angry because he’s stressed and losing control over a situation and takes it out on others. i get angry because i am hurt and feel like i am not being heard. etc. sorry for the tangent

i agree and maybe i’m being too naive but i feel like even in the case of abuse victims who take their anger out on others is often left vague solely because it draws a circle around say, habitually logging onto twitter to report people because you’re angry and punching somebody in real life. not saying you were doing this, but i feel like there is the expectation that if you provide ANY kind of forgiveness for yourself for feeling anger, you need to say when you personally think it jumps from acceptable anger versus Abuse, and it simply doesn’t happen that way. many small boundaries are breached calmly before reaching the level of what most people consider obvious abuse (screaming, hitting, etc.) even genuine random acts of violence from strangers are usually preceded by many smaller microaggressions that should raise concern and are left unchecked.

which is probably the most frustrating part to me. anger is what will defend me in the most immediately threatening situations, and the reaction has definitely overextended to not immediately threatening situations, but very frequently it’s contextualized as overreacting and maladaptive when it isn’t. i can’t count how many times i’ve been talked down out of a defensive reaction when it was actually appropriate for me to some extremely subtle cues that the dynamic was dangerous for me. it’s frustrating that threatening suicide to control a partner is never “taking your sadness out on someone else” or making someone feel worse intentionally by passive-aggressive telling them they’re ruining your good time isn’t “taking your happiness out on someone else” but when it’s anger it’s automatically scrutinized in such a specific way.

this is basically another tangent but basically i’ve hit a point where i’ve learned that i will tolerate buckets of anger from other people, in the form of cumulative microaggressions from friends to overt physical harm, and i think that the position that it’s not somebody’s job to be your punching bag or whatever automatically jumps to assuming it’s on the level of the latter when the former is a very common occurrence in normal interactions while still being anger. i’ve realized i can tell a friend very kindly but bluntly that they were being a little mean to me and still acknowledge their feelings knowing they were just having a really bad day (because that’s what a mature and good friend does instead of holding every perceived slight against you) and then i’ve noticed when i try to extend that forgiveness to myself and expect somebody to be gentle with me on my bad days as reciprocation even if my first reaction is anger it’s like “that specifically is bad, actually”

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !

[maladaptive-dreamer]

Hello, I have been dealing with maladaptive daydreaming for years and it has come to a point in which it seriously affects me a lot, my "daydreaming" alone causes several mood swings in me (especially bc I often daydream about real people) and it has worsened my depression apart from other things, I'm daydreaming almost 24/7 and I do not know how to stop, could you please give me some advice? I'm sorry this is so sad, idk who to ask :/ I'm also sorry about the grammar, my english is not good

If there is any way you can get access to a therapist, do it right away. You don’t even have to use words such as “maladaptive daydreaming,” you can just say that you have problems focusing, that your daydreams have turned into a coping mechanism gone wrong, that sort of thing.

If you don’t have time for an in-person therapist, there are a few websites and apps through which you can get cheap therapy from licensed professionals. BetterHelp is the one I know about but I know there are more.

If you don’t have access to a therapist, first you have to make a really tough decision, one that seems straightforward but actually isn’t.

Do you want to get better?

For me, my daydreams are great at convincing me that I’m fine, that I’m functioning fine, that I don’t need to try to get better because there’s nothing to fix. That’s a problem I’ve heard many people struggling with.

So first you need to convince yourself entirely that you want to get better. Reaching out to me was a super good step, and for all I know, you’re already there!

So if you are…

Start trying to throw yourself out of the zone. Avoid triggers to the best of your ability. This might mean not listening to music or not watching television. And when you do daydream, be aware of it. Tell yourself “I am daydreaming right now” and try to snap yourself out of it.

The last thing that I’m doing is pushing myself outside of my comfort zones. I don’t have depression so I don’t know how this would work for you, but I purposely put myself in situations where I know my anxiety’s gonna be high. Because if my anxiety’s high enough, I don’t daydream, and I get practice in real-life situations!

I’m not a qualified expert and I would say at this point therapy is a route that you’ll wanna start looking into, if you’re not already. But I do hope these tips help!

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Yes, I feel you. I was going to say that good or bad chaos is definitely a spectrum, but I guess the Yerkes-Dodson law reflects that as well. It also reminds me of Flow theory, by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, specifically the Flow channel model. Both of these are interesting theories, and are definitely helping me figure out how I work.

When it comes to coping mechanisms and techniques however, like I said, it’s not always easy to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel stressed, and therefor it’s hard to deal with it. So yeah, I’m certainly working on it, and at times I feel like I’m making progress, but I guess it’s a slow process of getting to know yourself when you’ve never learned to deeply evaluate what happens inside your mind and body.

Now that I’m writing this I’m realising I always want to deal with negative emotions/feelings by dealing with the cause, but there may be different ways to deal with it. I have yet to learn about those, but it would be interesting to see if I can bypass the whole pinpointing the cause of stress and deal with it faster. This seems wild to me.

Damn, writing this all down has been great, thanks. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Love,

-Chaotic Anon

Love some psychology, even if it's late at night in my timezone (oops) but I had a look at Mihály Csíkszentmihályi's flow theory, it looks really interesting, i wish i'd learnt more about positive psychology during a-levels or uni but i'm definitely intrigued now.

it's definitely interesting how you're learning almost how to analyse yourself and how you react to different levels of stress due to different external (and possibly internal) factors. honestly there are always those simple coping mechanisms like breathing exercises, which are supposed to slow a racing heart and steady one's breathing, but there's a point where it's the physical symptoms of stress and the mental symptoms too, sometimes breathing exercises aren't enough to stop the racing thoughts, and sometimes even if you can recognise a maladaptive thought, it doesn't shut your brain up from getting anxious about it (i apologise for bringing my personal experiences into it, my intentions are to make sense of the analysis of oneself and how it can be layered)...

it's interesting that you prefer to face the things that cause you stress head on, since it's common that individuals often try to avoid the stressful situations so they can avoid feeling stressed, but it can make it worse in the long run. the 'bypass the whole pinpointing the cause of stress and deal with it faster' is interesting, since with the Yerkes-Dodson Law, and with Flow, and the balance of challenge of a task and skill to deal with the task... definitely interesting, we could argue that stress is useful up to a certain point (Yerkes-Dodson Law) for performance, but the stress of a challenge can be affected by an individual's skill level when it comes to the task at hand?

i'm definitely rambling and probably not making much sense but this was very interesting to discuss anon, i hope my thoughts to it make sense because i definitely rambled😅 sorry about that.

[mentalillnessmouse]

(pls tag lars) is there a link between adhd and maladaptive daydreaming? i keep feeling like i have some elements of madd, but not as severely as a lot of ppl do. it's more like that's the way my entire thought process works? it's always scenarios, conversations, characters. it's not something i keep track of; there's no plot to it. there used to be, back when i was in middle & high school. i was obsessed w a particular character and scenario(s) in my head. is this just part of my adhd, maybe?

Hi anon,

To my knowledge, there is a link between ADHD and maladaptive daydreaming. 

Before I get more into it, I think it’s important to say that dissociation (the broader category that maladaptive daydreaming falls under) is a spectrum. Everyone dissociates to some extent, and this is a good thing. All daydreaming is dissociation, getting really into a book or movie and getting totally swept up in the story is dissociation, being super engaged in a task and forgetting about everything else is dissociation, and these are all things that are normal. 

Dissociation on its own isn’t inherently bad, it’s only an issue when it’s maladaptive. Most people daydream sometimes, and it’s only an issue when it interferes with your day to day life, hence maladaptive. 

Dissociation is a stress response that our brains have developed to protect us. It’s a ways that our brains can separate us from stressful situations or emotions. This is a really useful coping mechanism and we use it a lot in childhood. As we get older, we come up with “better” coping mechanisms that let us work through those situations other than our brain basically going “NOPE, BIG NOPE, BYE”. As we get older, dissociation can become maladaptive if it starts to interfere with our everyday lives.

To answer your original question, yes, there is a link or some overlap between ADHD and maladaptive daydreaming disorder. People with ADHD are more likely to daydream and get caught up in their thoughts. This is especially apparent in girls with ADHD, and is a common way inattention can manifest. But also, maladaptive daydreaming disorder isn’t really a diagnosis right now. Maladaptive daydreaming is often considered more of a symptom or manifestation than a disorder in itself. This article talks a little bit about that link, and also links to some studies about it that you might be interested in. Here is a link to a forum where people talk about the link between their ADHD and maladaptive daydreaming.

Like you touched on in your ask, dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming are on a spectrum. This could be a part of your ADHD or it could be something else, I don’t know. Just because what you’re experiencing “isn’t as bad” as what someone else is experiencing, doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem and it doesn’t mean that you don’t need or deserve help. If you feel like your daydreaming is bothering you or gettin in the way of your daily activities, talk to someone about it. Talk to your doctor or therapist or counsellor and they can help you figure it all out. If your daydreaming is bothering you enough to send us this ask, I think it’s bothering you enough to talk to someone in person about it.

Here are some more links about ADHD and maladaptive daydreaming:

maladaptive daydreaming or ADHD?

are you a daydreamer or do you have ADHD?

the comorbidity of daydreaming disorder

undiagnosed ADHD bundled with maladaptive daydreaming

Hope this helps!

~mod Gwyn

[girl-in-the-library]

Thoughts on Fandom

Lurking in the Deltarune tag, I see the Undertale fandom coming back to life. Some people are celebrating and some people are groaning, others are still fearful that the fandom might return to the mess and wank it was full of before.

And it just makes me think more about fandom in general. The idea of fandom is endlessly fascinating to me. For some it's a place of fun, or a safe space, or a space of casual interest. For others it's an obsession, or a place to assert themselves, or be important. But it's my philosophy that, as long as you're not hurting others or yourself, it's impossible to do fandom wrong.

This got much longer than I thought so I'm putting it under a cut.

I have run a panel at Anime Boston for the past two years, and I hope to run it again, called "Fandom as Coping" - in it, I discuss some of the positive aspects of fandom, using it as a coping mechanism for a myriad of reasons, but also discuss how it can become maladaptive and do more harm than good. Fandom is a double edged sword like that. But curating your experience in fandom is the best way to keep it as a healthy, positive influence in your life. When it comes to causing harm to yourself, be cautious of using fandom in an obsessive way. I know what it’s like for fandom to be literally the only thing getting you through the day. In January 2018, and again in August 2018, if I didn’t have Yuri on Ice to come home to, I might literally be dead. It was the only thing getting me through the day. And while that’s a more positive coping skill than say, self-harm, if I continued that way and hadn’t gotten the help I needed (partial and full hospitalizations, in January and August respectively), using fandom to ignore my problems and try to keep going when I obviously couldn’t would have been to my detriment. The people who you interact with in fandom can also be a big part of this.

Fandom communities can be wonderful and uplifting, but they can also be an echo chamber of toxicity. If you interact with friends you know irl, or make friends on a one to one level, it’s easier to find the positives. That’s not to say that larger groups or communities can’t be supportive. But if you find yourself in a place where people are constantly putting you down, or if everyone is stuck in a spiral of depression, it might not be the healthiest place for getting better. Of course, you may need a place to vent, a place to feel like you belong, or a place to escape. Fandom can do all of those things. But you need to be careful. If you get stuck in a community that is not healthy, it can be hard to escape, especially if you feel like it’s the only place where people understand you. If you are having trouble irl, and trouble online, it’s likely that you need to seek professional help. If you are having trouble in only one of these places it’s still likely you need to seek professional help. Therapy is not a weakness. 

Though fandom ISN’T just a negative place. You can find very supportive communities, and make long lasting friendships. And even if they’re only temporary friendships, they might be what you need at the time, and that is still positive! In fandom, you can find people who share your interests, people who will help you cope, help distract you, and a place to belong. You just need to be able to judge whether or not you’re in a healthy space, which can be hard to do.

For me, fandom has almost always been positive, and that's largely due to the way I interact with fandom. When I have bordered on using it maladaptively, that was more due to my mental illness causing obsessive and compulsive tendencies than because I was interacting with anything or anyone in fandom in a toxic way, so that's a little more personal. But fandom can be maladaptive as a coping mechanism OR just generally a bad influence in your life, if that’s how you’re using it. If you get stuck in a negativity spiral, it can be hard to get out of it. Sometimes you just need to take a step back, and sometimes you need to start over.

This is all on an individual level, and based largely in creating communities. But fandom is also a collective, and the works involved (fanfiction, fanart, cosplay, meta, et cetera) play a big role in how fandom works, and often create drama and wank.

My fandom experience has been largely defined by interaction on an individual level with specific people, getting lost in the crowd at conventions, and sometimes cosplaying or writing fanfiction. Because of this, I have avoided a lot of wank and drama that seems typical in many fandoms. Though I have gotten into an ill-advised argument on a forum once or twice, my fandom experience has been largely positive because of this way that I interact.

Now, I know that not everyone can choose to simply interact like I do. Big Name Fans, for example, get involved in drama whether they want to or not, simply because they wrote or drew or cosplayed or meta'd something popular. They become voices for the fandom, and people love them for it and hate them for it. But still, BNFs and other popular fans are still just fans. They're people who have opinions about the works they love, but get embroiled in controversy because they happen to be popular. Of course, there are fandom famous, or fandom infamous people who are toxic, who do hurt others, and who deliberately stir shit. These are not the people I'm talking about. You'll find people like that in any fandom, in any part of life if we're being realistic, and the best thing to do in those situations is to just not interact. It's hard to walk away sometimes, I know, but shit-stirrers need an audience, they need people to preach to and get riled up. Without that, they'll (hopefully) fade away. But for those famous fans who are here to have a good time and share what they love - share with them! It's okay to admire them, to strive to be a better writer or artist or what have you, but they're still people who just want to interact with their favorite media.

Now, I'm not anywhere near a BNF, I'm a mediocre writer and cosplayer, and I just do it for fun, so I've never been put in a position where I've been forced to interact with a negative side of fandom. I know it's not easy to ignore in those cases. I guess my point there, in general, is don't be an asshole to anyone, and be excellent to each other.

The other biggest complicating factor that I see is the age disparity in fandom. I'm not even going to talk about something like My Little Pony right now, because that's more than I can tackle, but I'm thinking, for example, of when I was in the Homestuck fandom.

I was 18 when I started in the Homestuck fandom, and it was about 2 or 3 years old at that point. If I had started reading at the beginning of when it came out, I would have been about 15. I don't know what the audience of Problem Sleuth was like, but my first year in the fandom seemed to me like it was primarily people in my age range who were the most involved. Of course, I can't know that for certain, and I'm not even sure what I'm defining as my age range here (15-25???) But the thing about Homestuck is that it got bigger very quickly. The older fans were getting older and new fans were coming in younger and younger.

The Homestuck fandom had one of the widest age ranges I had ever seen, and that made it difficult, it many ways, to interact. The best thing for adults in fandom to do is tag their content, and do whatever they can to keep kids from getting to what may be inappropriate. But it's not the stranger's responsibility if a kid seeks out vore inflation a/b/o or whatever the kids are seeking, as long as it's tagged appropriately. That's the parent's responsibility. And to an extent, the kid's as well. If a kid wants to see boobs on the internet, almost any kid these days knows how to find boobs on the internet. Depending on the kid's age, it's up to the parents to put up parental blocks or monitor a kid's usage. With safe search as the default on Google nowadays, it isn't like the "olden times" where a quick search for a whoopie pie recipe brings up nothing but porn. But if you type in "boobs" you still get boobs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids aren't 100% responsible for their own fandom interaction because, depending on their age, they might not know any better yet. Now, there's a difference between a 16 year old and a 9 year old. A 16 year old knows what they're doing, and if they want a/b/o inflation porn, they're going to find it, and they might even get mad once they do because it's adult content and they're still kids, who want to be treated as adults. At that point, they're likely curating their own internet experience, and that's a gray area that's still being worked out. A 16 year old is still a minor, but when it comes to the internet, at least, they’re generally minors who are left to their own devices. Teenagers at that age are also notoriously contrary and rebellious, so if you put tags and say, “Minors do not interact!” they’re quite possible going to say, “Fuck you” and interact anyway. You can’t control them. You can only control yourself, so that’s what you need to do. Don’t interact with them, if you can avoid it. If they start confrontation, walk away. And it’s true, you can’t always tell a 16 year old from a 9 year old from a 40 year old on the internet, or any age from any other age, but my advice is still the same. Avoid interacting with negativity, hate, and confrontation in fandom. Just walk away. 

(There are some situations where this doesn’t apply, of course, but I think that in fandom, where the primary purposes are to have fun and interact with other fans of things that you like because you like the same things, walking away from confrontation is a good idea. When it comes to things like politics, for example, I think you need to avoid the trolls, but standing up for yourself and others, even if it means confrontation, is a different story. But this isn’t about politics, this is about fandom, and not all places on the internet are created equal. Politics is of course relevant in fandom, but if it’s JUST about fandom, you don’t need to start flame wars or ship wars, or even fight in them. You CAN just walk away, even if people yell at you or make fun of you for it. Just keep ignoring them. But I digress.)

9 year olds, on the other hand, need help on the internet. You can't control what they do either, but again, it's not the stranger's job to curate the kid's experience, but the parents. Just make sure you tag your stuff so if a parent is looking for something appropriate for their kid, they don't unknowingly give them something inappropriate. A 9 year old, especially in this day and age, knows how to use the internet. And if they’re looking for boobs, they’re probably going to find boobs. But just because they’re looking for boobs doesn’t mean they need to find a/b/o inflation vore porn. If they click on it anyway, it’s highly likely they won’t know what half that stuff means, but they still might be disturbed by it. Again, it’s not that stranger’s responsibility, as long as it was marked and tagged appropriately. 9 year olds still need to be supervised, both in general, and on the internet. Just because they’re tech-savvy doesn’t mean Stranger Danger rules don’t apply. Parents in this day and age should be teaching their kids safe internet skills, too.

My experience with fandom, and my ability to create the experience I want with it probably stems from the fact that my parents did curate my online presence when I was young. I was only allowed on sites like Nickelodeon.com and Disney.com until I was 10 or so. When I first got on fanfiction.net, I was 13, I think. And of course at that point I started sneaking around and reading "M" rated fics, but that was my choice. I was old enough to know better, and if something made me uncomfortable, I would click out of it. At that point, I read so voraciously as a kid and a young teen, that I was reading books with erotic content, and I could find the same thing online. My parents never censored what I read when I was old enough to choose for myself what I could read, but they made sure they knew what I was reading. Only once did they ever consider taking a book away from me, and that was when I was 12 reading Dan Simmons “Olympus” - I liked science fiction, and mythology, and wanted to read harder books so that seemed like a good choice. But like any story tangentially related to Greek Gods, there was A LOT of sex. Very, very descriptive, pornographic, literotic, sex. I told my parents about it and we talked about it. They asked if it made me uncomfortable, if I thought that they should read it first before I continued and judge whether or not I could handle it. I said I was okay, we talked about it a little more, and that was that. Even though I may not have been old enough for the content, I was old enough to know what was going on, and to make the choice. The same thing applies to the internet and fanfiction. Tag your fics, tag your art, make your blog 18+ if you are going to primarily post adult content, but parents need to talk with their kids.

A side note, but I once got a CD from my parents for my birthday. It was a Green Day CD, I was maybe turning 11 or 12? And I had expressed interest in Green Day because my friend in middle school played me one of their songs and I liked it. The CD my parents bought me was "Dookie," even though the newest album that had just come out was "American Idiot" - because “American Idiot” had a parental advisory sticker on it and “Dookie” did not. The reason for that was “Dookie: was released before it was necessary to put parental advisory stickers on albums. Thus, they had no idea what they were getting into when they handed their daughter a CD with a secret song titled F.O.D. Tags are important, but they don’t always function properly.

Green Day is still my favorite band.

Regardless, with all the rambling and digressions, my point is CURATE YOUR FANDOM EXPERIENCE. There are situations that make it hard, because you can't always choose who interacts with your content, but what you CAN always choose is the content you interact with. And when it comes to people interacting with YOUR content in a negative way, walk away when you can. (If you think a minor is negatively interacting with your 18+ content, I don’t necessarily know what to do, but my only thought is to block them so they can’t see your content anymore.) Interact with others in a positive way, and for the most part, I find, others will do the same with you.

Fandoms can be great places. They can also be toxic cesspools, because there are bad and toxic people in the world. But if you can, choose your own adventure.

I had a great experience with Homestuck, even amidst all the disaster and misbehavior at the height of Homestuck popularity because of the way I treat fandom.

One of my favorite people is big into Hetalia, and still is! It's one of, if not her number one, favorite fandom. And there's always been a lot going on there, but because of the way she interacts, it's been a great, healthy place for her.

And if Deltarune is giving you feels like it's giving me feels, then by all means, jump back into the Undertale/Deltarune fandom! And don't let hate scare you away.

There will always be bad places on the internet, and sometimes, you can't avoid them. But do your best, and try to create an online fandom experience that will bring you joy, not one that will cause pain to yourself or other people.

[adigeon]

Here’s a post I’ve been thinking about for awhile: Julian Bashir’s canonical character arc, including his...questionable romantic choices, is entirely congruent with maladaptive behaviors adopted by adult survivors of abuse. For this post, I’m taking a hard Daystrom Institute approach, i.e. everything has to be explained canonically, no ‘Well the writers for that episode probably just sucked’ or ‘well that’s what happens when you do such a dramatic retcon of a character later in a series’. That is true for virtually every episode I’ll be discussing. My intent is definitely not to claim that the DS9 writers deliberately across seven seasons wrote Bashir in this way -- obvs not. Anyhow from here on out hard Daystrom approach. Etc. Behind the readmore:

Bashir is desperate to be well-liked. Being an overachiever is part of this -- graduating second in his class at the Academy is clearly a pretty big deal; the whole thing with sports [having been captain of the racquetball team, beating a Vulcan despite the mismatched physical strength between your average human and your average Vulcan]. The sports thing is really interesting to me because presumably Bashir has been living since 15 years old with a real dread of having his augmentations discovered -- and yet he was willing to risk people noticing his, well, superhuman reflexes and hand-eye coordination for sports? Maybe being a natural athlete put him socially in a place for one of the first times where he was wanted and praised and well-liked and it proved too tempting to buck away from. Most maladaptive adult survivor behaviors can be easily understood as extensions of behaviors that, when you were a child, kept you safe. We know that when Julian was *seven* and unable to tell a cat from a dog that he had figured out pretty firmly that his parents were disappointed in him. And based on his parents in Dr. Bashir I Presume, his father at least is blatantly manipulative -- (“You've got a lot at stake? Well what about us? We could go to prison, Jules. Have you ever thought about that?...Oh, so now we're not taking it seriously. We're not as bright as he is. We don't have your gifted intellect so we can't see the perfectly obvious.”) He’s still desperately trying to please people/avoid being criticized or scolded.

Deriving self-worth from achievements more than anything else (constantly mentioning he was salutatorian; the stuff with the Carrington award; his (understandable) obsession with the Teplan blight)

Bashir is strongly inclined towards codependent relationships where he’s in a provider/caretaker role and protecting the other person. There’s Melora, who he’s obsessed with ‘curing’/helping her function in a high-grav environment. Sarina fits the *exact* same dynamic. One of his first significant on-screen interactions with Ezri is him gently stepping in and ordering a drink for her, which she’s relieved by; Ezri is clearly profoundly destabilized and struggling to adapt to being joined, and Bashir is there to offer, what else, support and comfort. The codependent dynamic also fits Garak, though to a bit of a lesser extent. Bashir is fixated on figuring him out and sometimes, as in The Wire, protecting him. There’s a couple ways emotional abuse ties into codependency: the child learning to obsessively attune themselves to the emotional cues and needs of the parent; internalizing the dynamic of always needing to please someone; also, if the codependent partner may believe that making extreme sacrifices for their partner and going out of their way to do everything perfectly for them will confer security in the relationship. “If I do all these things for my partner, they’ll never leave me.”

Having a distorted sense of self and transient obsessive interests is congruent with the suite of borderline symptoms (borderline also often occuring in adult survivors of abuse). When attempting to get Kira to warm up to him (again nearly vibrating with desperation to be liked), he talks extensively about meditative techniques and Bajoran composers. Hyperfixating on people is also a borderline thing, and when Bashir is interested in someone, he...doesn’t have the best judgement. See: Jadzia, Miles, Garak, Sarina...

A small thing, but “excessive self-disclosure” can be part of the hyper-social coping mechanism adopted by some abuse survivors. Especially in the early seasons, Bashir is prone to this -- being in professional situations and offering interjections about his life or time at the Academy to people who didn’t ask and don’t know how to respond. Also, almost all of Bashir’s dialogue when he and Miles are trapped together during Armageddon Game.

His late-show swing into being obsessed with Jadzia/Ezri makes sense under this framing as well, per this post 

Idk there’s more I’ll probably remember later

But I have work tomorrow and its late

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from si

hello! i have daydreamed a LOT since i was a kid, i’d put myself into all sorts of different situations (i noticed it varies a lot depending on what situations i’m in) and usually fictional characters from books etc. or even people i look up to are in these situations to support me. this was okay when i was like 8, but as i’m getting older, it is more and more embarassing. it doesn’t interfere (i hope that’s the right word) my life that mcu, i usually don’t like gesticulate or anything, the most i do is zonong out or smiling. so nobody knows about this, but i still feel kind of insecure that i use this to cope even at this age (especially when you consider i am having dialogues and even adventures with people who don’t even exist at all). 

i really don’t know what to do, i don’t want to stop daydreaming and don’t even know how i could do it, but it also just makes me feel like a weirdo.

how do i get rid of the insecurities about this? or is this a normal thing? 

(please tag as si)

Hi darling,

I understand you feel insecure about this! You definitely aren’t the only one doing this though, and if it doesn’t really interfere with your life then it’s completely fine to continue doing so. Would it help you to get in touch more with other people who experience this? I feel like it would normalise it a bit for you, which can be of help in feeling less insecure about it. If you want to get in touch with other people, you could see if there’s any online communities you could join or blogs you could follow for example. I do want to say to be careful and to always keep thinking clearly. Sometimes groups like this can promote unhealthy behaviours (sometimes in a way that it doesn’t even really seem unhealthy) and I wouldn’t want you to go down an unhealthy road! 

Another way to tackle your insecurity would be to see if you can come up with some more rational thoughts about this. An example of a more rational thought would be “who am I hurting with my daydreaming?” You’re not hurting anyone, including yourself (which is a very important aspect), so why would it be something for you to feel ashamed of or insecure about? 

There are many people who have something ‘childish’ at an older age (I put childish between quotation marks because the word has gotten a negative meaning for some people, when I don’t mean it in a negative way at all!). There are a lot of adults who have stuffed animals, to name an example. Many people have a hobby they’re very passionate about and these hobbies often stem from their childhood. I hope these examples can be a bit reassuring for you to keep in mind!

I do think it would be good to look into some other coping mechanisms as well. While there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with daydreaming if it’s not interfering with your life as much, there’s a possibility it will start to interfere more in the future. If that turns out to be the case, then it’s easiest for you at the time if you already have some other coping mechanisms up your sleeve. It might also be good to write down some warning signs for when it’s interfering with your life too much. If you know what to look out for, it’s easier to spot it early and therefore not let get it out of control! You might want to have a look at our page on maladaptive daydreaming, as there’s some warning signs listed on there. 

If these insecurities continue to be a big issue, I’d recommend you to speak to a counsellor or other mental health professional. During your first session it might be good to ask where they stand on the whole topic, as it would be the opposite of beneficial if you were to talk them about feeling insecure about your daydreaming and them agreeing with you for example or something like that. To speak to a counsellor you can visit your GP / local doctor and ask them for a referral. You can read more about getting help here. I hope that this was at least a little bit helpful for you!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful <3 Love Pauline