#i know me saying this changes nothing but i needed to put it in to the word

[greenwitchfromthewoods]

baby steps. l Joel Miller

Summary: you were his very quiet companion on patrols

Warnings:  angst, a little bit of swearing, mentioning pregnancy, mentioning loss of a child, mentioning abortion, mentioning suicidal thoughts, generally - a lot of unpleasant things, Reader is 30s or sth, I guess

A/N: I've had this idea in my head for a long time. There are some not so nice things (read the Warnings!) but I hope the whole story won't be so awful. your feedback is very important to me and I thank you for all the reblogs, comments and likes. 🖤 sorry for all the mistakes

and i would like to thank you for the few kind words i have received recently. it scared me but was very nice. thank you!

The first time he met you was at Tipsy Bison when Tommy told him you would be his new partner on patrols. Footsteps were barely audible, and then a chair on the other side of the table moved and you sat down. 

Your eyes stopped on Joel's face for a moment, you nodded in greeting. The name quietly fell from your lips, and then you focused on the map that Tommy had spread out on the table.

Joel wasn't sure if you understood what his brother was saying to you. You were silent, sometimes nodding your head, nothing more.

"Is she even good for this?" Joel finally muttered as you said goodbye and left.

"What do you mean?" Tommy folded the map and put it in his jacket pocket.

Joel raised his eyebrows "She seems a little... I don't know. Distant?"

A quiet laugh escaped Tommy's lips "Really? And who's talking?" he took a few sips of coffee "Joel, you wouldn't patrol together if I wasn't sure she was good. She may not be the life of the party, but she's great at what she does."

Joel had the impression that he had seen you a few times in Jackson, but you were one of those people who kept their distance from others. So he looked like that to others too?

It was only the first patrol with you that made him change his mind about you, but he wasn't sure yet if this change was for the better. 

You were definitely not one of those people who needed to talk. Small talk wasn't for you, but you listened very carefully. 

The area around Jackson was no stranger to you, just like handling a gun. So Joel got used to you, and over time he even managed to get some information out of you.

You had been in Jackson for almost five years, you lived alone in a small apartment. You were alone. "That's the best way." No family or close friends, except for Maria. You were patrolling and searching for supplies. He was also sure he saw you in the library, but he never asked about it.

After a few months, Joel could clearly tell that you were the right person for the job. He even managed to make you laugh a few times or talk a little longer. You never asked him about the past, and when he asked you about it, you answered "We're at an age where everyone has some background, right? But not everything is suitable for talking about it."

"Your girlfriend seems nice." Ellie stated one day, and seeing his confused face added "I talked to her today. She said that this crap didn't let her finish high school, so now she's catching up on school readings. If I were her, I wouldn't bother. School sucks."

The warm coffee warmed his tired body, but after a moment he spoke up "You talked to her? When? And... She's not my girlfriend."

Ellie shrugged "We talk a lot. And you don't? You spend a lot of time together, I thought that..."

"You were wrong." Joel mumbled "Did she say anything else?"

The girl looked at him carefully. "You really don't know her very well, do you?"

He wasn't sure if he knew you at all. Did he have the right to demand that from you? You did your job thoroughly, he could rely on you, and despite everything you were still standing somewhere in the shadows, hiding from everyone.

"Is everything okay with you?"

Your voice tore him out of his reverie for a moment. You were walking through a quiet area, the fading grass crunching under your feet, and the cold wind slowly became more and more severe.

"Yeah, everything's okay." he replied, glancing at you over his shoulder "I was lost in thought."

"I saw. Good thoughts?"

Joel cleared his throat and stopped, and a moment later you stood in front of him, looking at him uncertainly. 

You really liked him. Miller might seem like a grump, but his personality didn't bother you at all. Women in Jackson also said he was handsome. You had a lot of time to watch him outside the city, you had to admit they were right too. But that wasn't what mattered, was it? You felt safe with him and you trusted him, that was important.

"Doesn't Ellie tire you out?" he asked finally.

"What?" you burst out laughing "Come on. I like her. She asks a lot of questions, but she's a cool girl. I remember when I was her age..."

You stopped as if the thought slowed down your thinking the moment it appeared in your head. Joel saw your eyes wandering around the area with an unseeing gaze.

"Were you her age when this started?" he asked, but you shook your head slightly "Older?"

"Not much." Your voice was quiet but calm "I was a senior in high school. It seems so stupid now... I had a crush on this one guy, fuck, I don't know why I thought of him now."

"It was important back then." Joel mumbled, absorbing your every word. "And your family?"

"They died. A long time ago." The answer was quick, but emotionless. "Why do you ask?"

Joel shrugged. "I don't know. Just like that. Maybe I'd like to get to know you better."

You nodded, analyzing his words for a moment. "You're weird sometimes, Miller." You finally stated. "Conversations like this don't lead anywhere. They only reopen old wounds."

You adjusted your rifle strap and moved forward.

Fall had come for good, and you were slowly starting to withdraw even more. He could see it. Patrols were almost completely silent, he rarely saw you among people or at evening community meetings. 

Even Ellie convinced him that something was going on, because when he asked her she said that she hadn't talked to you in a while.

"It's that time of year." Maria said when he asked her about you too, he was helping her fix the heating in her house. "You should get used to it, Joel. But... I didn't know you were so interested in her."

"It's not like that." he mumbled, but he felt a strange warmth creep up the back of his neck. "She's my partner on patrol. I want to know that she's okay."

"I get it." Maria nodded and sat down on the couch. "Have you talked to her?"

"I've tried, but you know perfectly well that it's not easy. You're her friend." the woman smiled gently. "Is there something she's not telling me?"

"A lot of things, Joel. Just like you, she's not very open to confiding. And this time of year..." she looked out the window where the wind was playing with the fallen leaves. "You should talk to her yourself, if you care about her. But you can also forget about it, be like everyone else, pass her on the street and just let her be. It shouldn't be that hard for you, right?"

And that was something he couldn't get out of his head.

When he saw that guy instead of you the next morning, a strange shiver ran down his spine. "She's sick." Mark said, pushing leather gloves onto his hands. "I'll replace her."

Joel nodded and they set off on patrol. However, his thoughts kept returning to you, he analyzed your last meeting, the last words you exchanged. You were even more subdued. He had the impression that he was forcing the next words out of you, and you just wanted to leave, to disappear.

"She's weird, but pretty." Mark replied when they took a break for hot coffee and a sandwich. "A few guys hit on her, but nothing came of it. Actually, I was hoping that you and her, you know..." he winked at Joel. "But maybe she's that type of person."

"What type?" Joel asked, chewing a bite of his sandwich.

"In times like these, people need each other. They want to at least pretend that things are normal." Mark explained, reaching for the thermos of coffee "And others simply adapt to it. They don't want to have anyone close to them, because it's risky, you know. I guess she's like that. A lone wolf."

But Joel wasn't entirely sure, because he knew you from a slightly different side, or at least that's what he thought. When he showed up at your door that evening, only silence greeted him. And it was the same for the next few days.

"Yeah, she's still in Jackson." Maria was sure of her words "I visited her yesterday, but I don't think..."

That was enough for him. That strange fear was creeping into Joel's heart again. He didn't know why. He was afraid, and all his thoughts kept running to you. It was as if a strange force was pulling him towards you.

"Hey! It's me. Open up." he knocked on your door, but it didn't help "I know you're there. I want to talk. You can't keep hiding."

No answer.

"I can easily break down this door." he declared "I'll make a mess and you'll just be embarrassed. I can do this, you know that. So... On three?" he cleared his throat as if he was preparing to actually do it "One!" Nothing. "Two!" he thought he heard quiet footsteps on the other side. He was about to open his mouth when the door opened slightly and he saw your face.

"You'll hurt your shoulder. It'll be my fault and you'll be excluded from patrols for a long time." you said "That's pointless. Go away."

"I'm not going until you talk to me." Joel replied, his dark eyes full of stubbornness that you knew so well "You can't keep hiding."

"Maybe I'm sick?"

"You don't seem to be."

And then with one strong push he opened the door and before you could stop him he went inside. His gaze swept the apartment, he heard your protests but didn't care. 

Like a storm he passed through the small living room, peeked into the kitchen and when he entered the bedroom he found what he was looking for.

"Fuck! Get out of here!" you hissed, rushing after him, but then you noticed the bottle of whiskey he had taken from your nightstand.

"And these are bedtime snacks?" he growled, throwing a box full of medicines to the floor. "You robbed a fucking pharmacy?"

"None of your business!" you replied, he saw the fury in your eyes. "You're the last person who should be judging me."

"Or maybe I can, because I'm the only one who's ever shown up at your fucking door? What did you want to do, huh?" he put the bottle down with a bang and walked up to you, but you didn't take a single step back. "We were supposed to find you only when the stairwell started to stink? Did you think about Maria? About Ellie? That girl really likes you. Did you think about..."

About me.

Your gaze, although full of tears, was unwavering. You stood there, arms folded across your chest, your throat constricted so tightly that you couldn't swallow.

"Joel..." his name sounded like a prayer in your mouth. "I don't know what you were thinking, but this doesn't concern you. You shouldn't even be here. I tried to keep you out of this."

"Why?" his voice was a little calmer "Why are you like this? I can't figure it out. At first I thought we just didn't know each other well, but after so many months. I heard how freely you talked to Maria, Tommy said that you used to babysit their kid. I don't understand it!"

You closed your eyes as if his words brought you pain, as if they evoked all the emotions in you that you wanted to hide. Tears ran down your cheeks, and a quiet sob escaped your throat.

"I don't know how to deal with this, Joel..." you whispered after a moment, looking at him with eyes full of pain "It all hurts me so much. Every day. Patrols with you were an escape for me, you didn't ask stupid questions, I could feel safe there. But it's all always for a moment."

Joel approached you, his warm hand caressed your arm "You can tell me everything, you know that." you nodded "Come on, sit down."

He closed the bedroom door behind you as if he was leaving something unpleasant and bad there, and then sat down next to you on the couch. When you calmed down a bit, you looked at him like never before, almost with tenderness.

"When I came to Jackson, five years ago, I wasn't alone." you started slowly.

"Were you with someone? With some group?" Joel frowned, trying to remember that detail that must have escaped his attention.

You shook your head. "No, Joel. I wasn't alone, because I was pregnant."

Something twisted his guts. He didn't expect this.

"It was the middle of the seventh month, I guess. It's hard to get regular doctor's visits these days." The little joke was probably meant to lighten the mood, but even you didn't smile. "I've had a long journey. I was alone. Almost." you took a deep breath, and Joel felt his hands go cold and trembling in an instant. "It's funny, you know. Long time ago, women my age already had two kids. And I was completely unplanned pregnant and I hated every single day. I didn't want this baby, but it was there. It was growing. It was alive. I could feel it."

"What about the father?" Joel asked quietly.

A strange grimace crossed your face at the mere memory. "He wasn't father material, if that's what you mean. Some random guy. You know, as women we have another bargaining chip. Something that really tempts some men. Something we can use to survive."

He knew perfectly well what you meant. He had seen many women like that, but he didn't judge them. Everyone did what they had to to survive.

"He was nice, if that's any consolation. We stuck together for a while, and then we went our separate ways. After a while, I found out I was pregnant. But I didn't have anyone or anything at hand to help me solve this... problem." you rubbed your forehead with your hand as if you wanted to get rid of bad memories "Some guy told me about someone who could get rid of it manually, but I was afraid of infection. Then it was too late. Days and weeks passed, and I hated myself and this baby. The nausea was killing me. I was no longer good at smuggling. I also had no idea what I would do with a crying newborn... I got to Jackson, I thought maybe someone here would help me. Maria was so wonderful." a faint smile appeared on your lips, but you weren't even looking at Joel anymore. Your gaze was fixed on your clasped hands "I started bleeding a few days after I arrived. Then everything happened so quickly... The doctor at the clinic couldn't do anything. I had to give birth, but... There was so much blood... And silence. There was no baby crying."

Joel felt as if a heavy stone was resting in his stomach. He couldn't tear his eyes away from your face, but he couldn't say any words that could comfort you. And what the hell would they sound like. But you didn't wait for that, the words slowly flowed from your lips. 

"The doctor said that my body was too weak, that long fatigue, improper diet, that he was too weak... I had a son. He was so small when Maria put him in my arms... And he was so perfect. I was so afraid that his crying would bring trouble to us, that he decided to be quiet."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault..." Joel finally choked out "Things like that..."

"Happens. I know that." You interrupted him calmly "But it was my fault, Joel. When I saw him... I would have given my life so he could cry, so I could know he was healthy and strong. How could I have ever thought otherwise? What kind of person am I?"

Your voice broke. You looked exhausted and tired of life. Joel understood your guilt perfectly, he knew what you felt. Sarah appeared in his head in an instant.

"I had a daughter." His voice broke the long silence between you. "I lost her right at the beginning."

"I'm sorry." Your voice was quiet, but full of something that gave him some relief.

"After everything I wanted..." he cleared his throat "I wanted to do the same thing you wanted. I even tried, but... I know how you feel, it's so devastating, and it will never get easier."

"I still have him in my mind, you know. He'd be five now. He'd ask a thousand questions, and I'd have to make sure he doesn't get into trouble. Sometimes I think about what it would be like, but then I hate myself even more... I didn't want him. I wanted to get rid of him. Maybe it's because of this..."

"Don't say that." Joel grabbed your hands and squeezed them tightly. "You might have thought so. You were alone, and this world had gone mad. You got into Jackson, you could be safe here, but... These things happen."

You watched him carefully. Never before had you and Joel spoken so intimately, but you didn't feel embarrassed by it. On the contrary, it was the first time someone had really meant it when they said "I understand you."

"I'm sure Sarah was beautiful." you said quietly.

"She was. And very smart. Much smarter than me." Joel added. "She probably would have gone to college or something."

For a moment, silence reigned again. You had the impression that you were both lost in your thoughts about the losses that affected you. You weren't beating each other, you just allowed yourselves to feel it all again.

"Did you really want to kill yourself?" his question brought you back to reality for a moment.

You nodded. "Look at me, Joel. I have nothing, no one. I don't know if I could ever get close to someone again. And all these thoughts only make me feel worse. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel anything anymore."

He understood it perfectly. After Sarah died, he felt that this world wasn't for him. Every day was torture, and the longer it lasted, the more he closed himself in his shell. Years passed, and Joel barricaded himself so much that no one and nothing could get him out. 

And then Ellie appeared.

"You know..." he began uncertainly trying to find the right words. "I know what I'm going to say will seem pointless to you, but sometimes it's worth gritting your teeth and trying to live on. Not jumping into the deep end right away, but slowly, day by day. I know that your son..."

The name you gave him when you saw his face for the first time came out of your mouth. Joel repeated it gently.

"Your son would have a really fantastic mother." he said "I'm sorry you had to go through this. I really am."

Tears flowed down your cheeks and Joel struggled to put his arm around you so that you could snuggle up to him. You clung to him, and for the first time he felt the warmth of your body, your scent, your tender touch when you hugged him.

You sat like that for a long time. For the first time you talked about everything and nothing, he heard your quiet laughter a few times and noticed how much he liked it. It was all like honey to his heart. The feeling of loneliness he had disappeared when you were next to him.

He saw you the next day on patrol. It was the first sunny morning in a long time.

"Hi." Your quiet voice was the best thing he'd heard in a long time.

"Baby steps, right?" He nudged your shoulder lightly.

You smiled and followed him.

☆☆☆

Thank you for your time.

[wooziorgans]

moon song || ljh

warnings: post breakup au. ex idol!reader. reader has an implied suicide attempt(s) in the past. reader is implied to do something akin to relapsing at the end of the fic. ed talk. lots of pressure that comes w being an idol. clubs. drinking. seungcheol hates y/n for leaving. leaving the idol industry behind. seeing your ex after four years. hurt w very little comfort. right person, wrong time.

word count: 4.2k

a/n: vent piece mostly. abt my frustration of still being sick, abt my frustration of not seeming to get better, abt how it never seems to stop. abt all of my wasted potential as a person. all of it, none of it, everything and nothing at all. i am so tired.

please read with caution. this is just a lot of emotions all in one place.

The loud bass that hits your head as soon as you enter the club makes your head pound immediately. It’s been four long years since you’ve even been in this part of Seoul, let alone been in a club with this group of ex-colleagues.

Ex-colleagues is certainly one way to put it. They were all so much more, and you know that this is just an excuse for all of them to get drunk. You wonder briefly if Jihoon’s here. He never used to drink, but then again, he didn’t do a lot of things until you were in the picture. You wonder how much has changed now that you’re not.

The memory of him burns like a hot iron branding your back, and you head to the nearest table of refreshments to grab a drink. If he’s here, you’ll need all the alcohol you can get your hands on. Maybe that makes you no better than anyone else; no better than the scene you so desperately needed to leave four years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.

You’re no longer apart of it. What you do now won’t cost you your career. If the night ends with you passed out in an alley way simply because you saw your ex at an album release party for an album he produced, so be it. He never comes to these things anyways.

At least, he didn’t when you knew him. You haven’t known Jihoon for a long time. It’s been four years after all; a lot can change in a week, let alone four years.

Like your decision to leave the K-pop industry. You had mulled over it for weeks, before you brought it up to anyone, and you didn’t go to Jihoon first. He was the last person you told. At least, officially, that you were leaving.

All those years of work as a trainee, just for it to be nothing. All of the tears, the angry screams into your pillow, the poverty your company forced you into in the first few years of your career because it was boarding on bankruptcy. All of this wasted potential. Maybe you could’ve been someone great.

You were, for a few years. Your group took off, and the first few years of success made all of the hard work feel like it was worth something. But as the saying goes, too much of a good thing won’t be good for long.

The pressure started to build, and it built until it boiled over and you were found on the verge of doing something terrible in your bathroom by your boyfriend and your manager after a week of unusual silence. Jihoon never was a crier, but god did he sob as he held you in the back of the ambulance. He had never begged for anything the way he begged for you to talk to him.

Please, god, please talk to me Y/N. Please, baby. I can’t— I can’t lose you.

It’s funny, really, how things work out. You dug yourself so deep into this hole of despair from the pressure of being an idol, that the only way out of it was to completely separate yourself from that life and start over.

After terminating your contract, you broke up with Jihoon. Or, you didn’t break up with him, only told him that you needed to take a break while you sorted yourself out. After being on a break for four years, is it still just a break? Or are you broken up at that point?

Both you and Jihoon know the answer to that.

Three years of no social media, no articles about you, none of your old friends reaching out to check in on you because they held a contractual obligation to be nice to you in the hallways. Three and a half years out of the spotlight. Three and a half years of peace, of healing, of sorting your life out and learning how to breathe again.

It’s been four years without Jihoon, and you didn’t really think much about the consequences that potentially sharing a space with him would have. But now they’re suffocating. All you can think about is the potential possibility of him being here, which, he wouldn’t be, right? He hates these kinds of gatherings. He used to skip his own release parties to watch shitty romance movies with you on the couch in his studio.

Does he have someone new to watch romance movies with? Or has he given up romance altogether? You know from the first few months, updates provided by Soonyoung, that he didn’t take the distance very well. You know that he missed you, and he worried about you constantly. You know you’re spiralling, and you know all those years of therapy will be for nothing if you don’t pull yourself out of it.

You don’t have to do that, because Seungkwan does it for you. “Y/N? You came!” He seems elated that you’re here, off his rocker, probably drunk.

“Of course I came! It’s your first album as BSS, Seungkwan.” You smile, and it’s not forced at all. You have completely forgotten how easy it is to fall into banter with Seungkwan. It’s almost like you never left in the first place.

Except something in his eyes seems off. That’s your first red flag to turn around and get the fuck out of this club, but you don’t. “My god. It’s been so long. How are you doing?” With anyone else, the small talk would’ve taken you out back and killed you. It’s different with Seungkwan.

Different how? He was one of the only people who consistently checked in on you when you first left. As you settled into your new life, the texts became less frequent; now, four years later they’re hardly anything to notice, but he’ll still send you a text on every holiday, and he’s wished you happy birthday every year since you met him.

“I’m doing a lot better. I’m… I’m good.” You laugh softly. Seungkwan smiles at you.

“That’s good. I’ve missed having you around— of course I don’t expect you to come back into this scene, but it would be nice to see you sometime.” Seungkwan squeezes your shoulder softly and smiles wider.

“Yeah, of course. I know I’ve been gone, but I’ll make it less hard to get a hold of me. I’ve missed all of you, truth be told.” You smile back. “I’ve just… been doing a lot of healing and I think it’s about time I finally start reconnecting with people. Is everyone here?” You ask.

“Oh, yeah. We’re all here! I kind of spilled that I invited you so everyone decided to come just in case you showed up.” The depth of all doesn’t really seem to cross Seungkwan’s mind; he’s certainly not thinking about Jihoon right now, or Seungcheol for that matter. You’re pretty sure Seungcheol would punch you if he caught sight of you. Maybe Jihoon would too. You have no idea how Jihoon even feels about you.

“Even, uh, Jihoon?” The smile falls from Seungkwan’s face.

“Oh. Yeah. He’s here too.” Seungkwan swallows when he sees your face shift. “You… he-he wants to talk to you. It’s not my place to really say, but he’s not mad. I think he just wants closure.”

So maybe Jihoon wouldn’t punch you. That’s a bit of a relief.

“Oh my god! Y/N! You came!” It’s Seokmin, very clearly drunk. You didn’t keep in contact with him, though he did send you a few paragraphs over text as he wished you all the best, telling you to reach out if you ever needed anything. You didn’t take him up on the offer.

“I did!” You smile, tilting your head as you look up at Seokmin.

“Can I have a hug?” He’s already opening his arms and you slide right into them. His hug is firm and warm. You’ve missed Seokmin a lot more than you cared to admit. Seungkwan grumbles about how he should’ve asked for a hug and you laugh, pulling him into one.

You catch up with Seokmin briefly before he’s being pulled away by someone you don’t know. You stick with Seungkwan, talking about your life, the album, avoiding the subject of Jihoon.

And then you turn your head at the bright sound of laughter, and you see him. You see him, and he’s not the same mess he was when you left him with no promise of when you’d see each other next. He’s not the scared man in his early twenties who had no idea if you were going to die on him. He’s not the man who stayed with you in the hospital for days on end.

He’s not the producer you knew who’d slide his headphones over your ears as he pulled you into his lap. He’s not the warm hand that held yours because you forgot your gloves again. He’s not the hushed giggles at four in the morning, or the hurried kisses, or the soft whimpers and praises as you tangled yourselves in his bedsheets.

Jihoon isn’t yours anymore.

You had hoped he wouldn’t be such a sore subject for you anymore, but seeing him in all of his glory four years later… god does it fucking hurt. You’ve done a lot of healing in the last four years, but in that time you never really had the time to process the loss of Jihoon.

Soonyoung spots you, and that’s when you know you’re doomed, because if Soonyoung is distracted, Jihoon always notices the thing that catches him off guard. You try to pull your eyes away from Jihoon, but you can’t. You swear he’s gotten more beautiful in the last four years.

He’s gotten bigger, physically— far more muscular. You can see the curve of his pecks through his shirt, one that isn’t even tight against his body. Jihoon’s always been a big fitness buff, but it appears he’s put more effort into himself. His biceps strain against the fitted sleeves of his long sleeve black shirt.

Jihoon’s face looks different too. He still has the same round cheeks you used to always pinch and prod at. His jawline is still soft, but it’s more defined. His eyes are bright, and the bags under them are still there. You wonder briefly if he’s ever gotten rid of them; if the skin under his eyes has ever matched the rest of his milky complexion.

His hair is longer than you’ve ever seen it. Dark and flowy, it’s reflective and healthy, half tied up with what would be his undercut hanging freely. A few pieces frame his face. It looks soft and healthy. Jihoon looks soft and healthy.

He’s smiling as he scans the crowd to find what Soonyoung is distracted by, and then he spots you. The smile is wiped off of Jihoon’s face faster than your brain can even register it. Seungkwan stiffens beside you, hand finding your shoulder to steady you as you stumble briefly, but the pull between you and Jihoon is too much.

Both of you start moving towards each other, pushing your way through the crowd. “Y/N.” His voice comes out in a breath, chest heaving and then he’s there, right in front of you, after four years.

You don’t know what to say, can’t process the fact that he’s in front of you, as beautiful as ever. “Jihoon,” you echo, “hi.” You can’t help the small smile that threatens to pull at your lips. The tension on Jihoon’s face eases, but he doesn’t smile back.

“Hi. How are you doing?” Jihoon asks, and if it was anyone else, it would’ve been a sad attempt at small talk. It’s Jihoon, so you know he’s asking how you’re doing now, if you’re better. A part of him is asking if you still feel like killing yourself. The answer to the last part is no.

“I’m… better. A lot better.” You laugh awkwardly. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t doing okay.” Now, Jihoon actually does smile at you, and though it’s small, it’s still there.

“You look a lot better. Healthier. I’m glad.” Jihoon takes a sip of his drink as he looks down at you. He’s right; you’re much healthier now. There’s solid meat on your bones, your thighs touch and your ribs don’t show anymore. Your face has filled out, cheeks full and round. Your eyes don’t look as though they’re sunken into your skull, they’re brighter now; they seem to shine with life in a way they never have before.

Jihoon takes you in properly, and god, you’ve gotten so much more beautiful since the last time he saw you. It hurts. It hurts a lot to see how good you look now, without him. He knows it’s a lot more complicated than that, but it still hurts nonetheless.

You look healthy, like an actual person and not a skeleton, and you were never that way when you were an idol. You were never like that when you were with Jihoon.

“Oh, um, thank you. Should we… should we sit? We have a lot to talk about.” You laugh again to hide your nerves. Jihoon can still read you, and he knows you’re brimming with nerves. He knows you’re a little scared, probably more than a little, and he is too.

You’ve never breached the subject, hardly even talked about your breakup. Jihoon doesn’t like to think about it. He just doesn’t. He doesn’t like to think about how much worse you were doing, even if it destroyed him. The breakup was harder on you, tenfold, and you went through it alone.

“I- uh. Yeah, yeah, we can go sit. It’s probably about time we talk.” Jihoon laughs nervously, closing his eyes for a second. He wordlessly starts walking towards the vacant booths of the club. You follow close behind.

Jihoon sits down, and you take a seat across from him. It’s silent for a few moments. Both of you are staring at your cups, not drinking, just swirling your liquids of choice.

Jihoon speaks first, but he can’t look at you. “Why’d you have to leave me?” He asks, and his voice breaks softly as he says it. You certainly weren’t expecting that as the first question he asked, but you don’t really know what else he would’ve asked.

“I… I had to leave everything that had to do with being an idol behind. You… you included.” It’s a shitty answer, but you can’t think in Jihoon’s presence.

“I understand that, but I would’ve been there for you. I would’ve helped you get help. You didn’t have to do it by yourself, Y/N. I loved you; I would’ve done anything to make sure you were safe.” Jihoon’s bites at his lip, eyes sparkling in the low lights of the club. He looks like he’s about to cry, and god does it break your heart.

He loved you, past tense. It’s jarring. It stings, but what else did you expect? For him to still want you? That’s unrealistic and completely unfair to expect from him.

It hits you then that you might still be in love with him. That makes this next part so much harder.

“I know. I know, but it made sense to me at the time. I can’t- I can’t rationalize anything that I did at that time in my life. None of it makes sense, but I made a lot of choices that I regret and I can’t go back on them now. It’s too late for that and I’m- I’m so sorry for everything I put you through, Jihoon. All of it; everything, god, I’m so sorry.” You spill, and the soft burn in the back of your throat makes it hard to speak as you try not to cry. “You didn’t deserve to deal with any of it.” You whisper softly.

“Y/N,” Jihoon whispers back, “I forgave you a long time ago. I just want closure.” Closure. Jihoon wants closure, meaning he wants to move on. The tears in his eyes shine brightly, though they don’t fall, but he’s crying nonetheless, and that makes you feel worse.

“I don’t deserve that though. I don’t deserve to be forgiven for just leaving you. Seungcheol still hasn’t forgiven me; why the hell would you?” You swallow hard, and that seems to break the dam as the first few tears slip down your cheeks.

“Seungcheol has his own issues. We never told him the full story, and maybe that’s why he’s still… iffy about the whole thing. But I forgive you. I just, I want to stop hiding from you. I don’t want to be worried about running into you somewhere and not knowing what to say. I still care about you, so much, and, god does it fucking kill me to still worry about you when you’ve never made an effort to reach out to me.” Jihoon’s always been blunt, so you should’ve expected this, but it makes you feel worse; guilty. “I would’ve answered your calls, in a heartbeat. You know I would’ve.” Jihoon blinks, and the first few tears fall down his face.

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to call you after so long. I spent six months in and out of the hospital, and after that I had to get back on my feet. By the time I even had time to think about calling you, it’d been a year, and to me that was too late.” You close your eyes and exhale deeply, fingers twitching.

Jihoon used to hold your hands when you were upset to stop them from twitching so much. He used to pull your head close to his chest and wipe your tears with the pads of his thumbs. He makes no effort to do so now. Jihoon can’t even look at you properly.

He’s focused on picking at the calluses on his palms. Some things never change.

“You- six months? Y/N, fuck, I had no idea. I knew it was bad but, shit, really?” Jihoon’s voice breaks fully, and all you can do is nod. “How many more times? How many times did you—?” He can’t finish his sentence. His throat closes up.

“Four.” Jihoon has nothing to say in reply. He can’t, not with the deep hurt that settles in his chest, so you elaborate. “I really just wanted to die. The media was on my ass for the first year and it was just bad. I spent the next year after that in a rehabilitation program to fix my relationship with food and it helped a lot. I found a good therapist and I’m still seeing her. It’s helped a lot. I’m- I’m clean.” You pick up your cup, hand shaking, and take a large drink to calm your nerves.

“I’m really glad that you’re healthy now. Really, god, that’s such a relief.” Jihoon’s tears are steady now. He wipes at them with his sleeve. You mutter a soft thank you.

Outside of the booth, the noise has been blocked out by your conversation, but you hear something peculiar. It’s Seungcheol, his voice is loud and booming. He’s angry.

“What the fuck are they doing here?! Seriously, why did you even invite them?” Both you and Jihoon look up at the same time to see Joshua and Mingyu trying to deescalate the situation. Seungkwan is yelling back, face red as he tries to block Seungcheol’s view of the booth you and Jihoon are sat in.

“No, I’ve fucking had it with all of you. Defending them for just fucking leaving Jihoon without a word. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you bring them here?” Seungcheol is drunk and looking for a confrontation with you, and that’s enough of a threat to have you and Jihoon standing as he tries to usher you out of the club without Seungcheol seeing.

“Fuck, you should probably go.” Jihoon pulls you close to him, shielding you from Seungcheol’s view. You nod, walking fast beside him as you push your way through the crowd.

“Yah! You, get the fuck back here!” Neither of you listen as you push your way out of the door. You make the mistake of looking behind you to see Joshua and Mingyu physically holding Seungcheol back. Wonwoo is there now too, standing in front of him to prevent him from walking.

The outside air is cold and bitter. You shiver as you pull out your phone to order a ride. You and Jihoon are completely silent. He’s standing so close to you that you can feel his body heat radiating off onto you.

“I’ll wait with you. How long?” He asks, voice shaky.

“Two minutes.” You only have two minutes left with Jihoon. It’s so finite, the time you’re spending with him. If only you had more time.

You’re not afforded that luxury as you shiver beside him. “Can I- is it okay if I—?” You nod, unsure of what he’s asking. It’s a yes either way. Jihoon pulls you into his arms in a tight, warm hug. His hands don’t find their way into your hair, or rub your back. He just holds you. It’s all he can do.

Both of you ignore the mutual swell of warmth in your chests. You’re still in love with him, you know that, and that’s why the car seems to show up in no time. Your phone chimes as the car pulls up in front of the club as you reluctantly start to separate yourselves.

There’s so much you didn’t get to talk about. You tell him so. “We, fuck, I had so much more to say. I had so much more to explain. You, god, you were the right person, Jihoon. Everything else was just so wrong.” You thought the weight would’ve been lifted off your chest, but it only hurts more. You close your eyes as you turn away.

“Y/N, fuck, don’t do this to me right now.” Jihoon whispers, eyes filling with tears once again.

“I’m sorry Jihoon. I love you. I’ll see you around.” You open the door to the car.

“I, yeah. Take care of yourself.” Jihoon can’t look at you, no way in hell can he look at you as you close the door and drive off. He stands still in the cold, watching as the car disappears from his sight. He leans against the wall, head falling back as the tears start pouring freely.

As he pushes the door to the club open, it hits him hard, fills his whole body as a bone deep love for you settles. And it hurts, god does it hurt. Seungcheol’s calmed down, but the snide remark that slips past his lip doesn’t even register in Jihoon’s brain. All Jihoon recognizes is his tone, and that’s enough.

“I’ll punch you right in your fucking mouth, Seungcheol, I swear to god. Shut the fuck up.” Jihoon hardly ever makes threats, but when he does it has everyone going quiet. Seungcheol, Joshua and Mingyu stop in their tracks. There’s been enough drama for one night.

Jihoon grabs a new drink and chugs it, before he goes to grab his coat. He needs to get out of here before the sob building in his throat bursts.

You manage to keep your tears at bay until you enter your apartment. You find yourself in the bathroom, against the cold tile and the porcelain of the bathtub. You don’t do anything, just sit there and breathe as the tears flow freely.

It wasn’t supposed to end like that. You were supposed to have more time to reconcile with Jihoon. You and bathrooms have seen a lot of hurt. Most of your bad decisions are made in bathrooms. You don’t do anything, you just sit there for a few minutes as you cry.

Nothing happens the next night. Or the night after. A week after the release party, Jihoon still plagues your mind and that’s when you crack. Your old manager turned friend answers the phone.

“Hi. You okay?” Yena asks softly, voice ridden with sleep.

“Drive me to the hospital? I think I need stitches.” You laugh nervously. The adrenaline has worn off and all you feel is regret.

“Y/N.” She sighs, but it’s not disappointment. She’s seen a lot of things with you, and supported you through all of them. You’re the reason she quit being a manager and went back to university. You made her realize the idol life isn’t as glamorous as it seems, and you’ve formed a very solid friendship over the past five years. “You know they’re gonna keep you for a few days, right?”

“Yeah. I know. It was impulsive. Like, I’m fine now. I just couldn’t stop thinking.” You sigh.

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be on the way. Cold water and pressure until I get there, yeah?” You laugh softly.

“Already on it.” The call disconnects soon after, and you look up at the mirror. Briefly, you imagine Jihoon standing behind you in a much different situation than the one you’re in now.

His thick arms are wrapped around your waist, head leaning against yours. He’s smiling in your vision. You smile softly in your reflection, though it’s strained. The blood on your hands pulls you out of it.

a/n: i wrote this when i was going through it. i’m fine now but i seriously can’t do angst like i used to so i might write a part two or something where they end up back together.

[epickiya722]

I don't think I expressed enough how much I do actually like that Yuji is this... I don't know how to really put it into words but... how Yuji is this unique embodiment of horror and strangeness.

Like, just the details of his character makes him stand out to me. Everyone in JJK has some bit of oddness to them, and he has own unique kind.

He looks like sunshine personified and he is. He is the sweetest kid there is. And he looks like the typical "Oh, he must be the normal one who has to adapt to the horrors the other have to go through" character. Ha ha... no, he is the horror. He is the "creepy child" trope without even showing that he is.

Yuji is the kind of horror you actually have to put thought into to even realize "Oh, wait, that is actually fucked up". Fridge horror, the horror that you think nothing too much of until you really open your mind to it.

Like, he's this own level of odd with how he behaves and thinks.

First, it's his interests. Yuji didn't mind really being in the occult club. Of course, his reasons was that the club time allowed him enough time to see his grandfather. But also, even though he didn't have to really participate, he actively does. Iguchi and Sasaki exploring haunted places? Yuji tags along and isn't frightened at all. Mind you, they like going go haunted places because they like being scared. Why folks watch horror movies and go to attractions, right?

Yuji will play with an oujia board.

Fan of a movie series titled the Human Earthworm and actually can find the beauty and love in said movies. He's so real for that.

So far it's just simple stuff like that, right?

First time seeing a curse? Admits to being scared, but barely even flinches. When Megumi talks about the Cursed Finger and mentions how curses want to eat it? His response?

"Why, is it good?"

IT'S A FINGER?!

When informed about Inumaki's technique? What was the example he uses? "So if he says 'die' then it will happen?" Out of all the examples?! He was more impressed by the technique than actually fearful of it.

That Cursed Doll he had to train with? Called it "cute" and Gojo questioned that. In fact, when meeting Yaga, Yuji commented on how the dolls were cute.

How he fights is even a little odd and unsettling. He immediately goes into action, doesn't even need to hear the bell. He always has this look on his face that "Yeah, your kneecaps are mine". Not once has I ever recalled he actually smiles during a fight. Unlike some of the others who have showcased some enjoyment or some type of being unhinged in a "to hell with it" mood, Yuji always has this almost animalistic glare, that kind of unhinged. He isn't holding back, even against normal people like the high school bullies in chapter 163. Sometimes I question if he even knows how to hold back.

He doesn't like to get violent or kill. If he has to, he will. But it's just not anything he can brush off or be like "Yeah, I like doing it".

Then the idea of dying? Yeah, Yuji makes it clear he knows people will die. Execution placed on his head? He accepts dying with Sukuna instead of asking if there's any way to work around it, find a solution. Keep in mind, Sukuna is downright evil and does nothing but make life hard for Yuji every chance gets.

However, by the end, Yuji changes from choosing to die with Sukuna, so that no one else has to suffer, to offering Sukuna to live along side him even if no one accepts that.

Oh, let's not forget his family.

Yeah, Sukuna I just mentioned? That's his uncle by soul reincarnation. Jin, Yuji's dad who we don't really know what happened to him, is the reincarnation of Sukuna's twin that Sukuna ate in the womb. Doesn't stop there.

Yuji's mother, Kenjaku? Actually a 1000+ year old sorcerer who body hops by implanting their brain into whatever body they find convenient for their plans. One of those bodies happen to be Kaori Itadori, Jin's wife. Jin's dead wife. Kenjaku played wife in a woman's dead body, the same body Yuji was born from.

Yuji was born out of a corpse. With one of the Cursed Finger somehow already sealed inside him.

His other family members include Death Paintings: Choso, Eso, Kechizu, Noranso, Sho-oso, Tanso, Sanso, Kotsuso, and Shoso. His older siblings (technically) through Kenjaku, who was possessing Noritoshi Kamo's (the ancestor) body at the time. And guess what? Their blood consists of a human's blood, a cursed spirit's and Kenjaku's.

Yeah, like them, Yuji isn't really human. Again, born with one of Sukuna's Cursed Fingers already sealed in him. Without Cursed Energy, he was already outrunning cars and possessing strength not normal for the average human.

Oh, wait, and let's not forget his 'appetite'. He will eat anything if it means saving people. And he has. Other than Cursed Fingers, the other Cursed Objects Yuji consumed are his own siblings 4 - 9. Mind you, they were akin to fetuses contained in glass jars. (He isn't happy about eating them or anything for that matter though. I wouldn't be either.)

In all, he's just fridge horror with a some goodness mixed in there. I'm just rambling here.

[biancasreign]

CATCHING FEELS 2 | JEY USO

Part 1 | Part 3

“Come on momma. We’re gonna get you and my nephew something to eat.” Sabrina rubbed her best friend’s stomach as they walked out the doctors office.

Kaliyah walked behind her friend slowly feeling sad as ever. Considering she found out she was having a baby boy you’d think she would be happy but she was feeling the exact opposite.

Just three months ago she found out she was two months pregnant with her baby and it felt so unreal. From the moment she found out she was pregnant she was filled with nothing but mixed emotions.

She even contemplated getting an abortion and showed up to the appointment but at the last minute she couldn’t bring herself to do it. The thought of having an abortion was more to burry her feelings about Jey rather than her not wanting a baby.

She wanted to keep her baby and that’s what she decided to do.

“What do you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry. I just wanna go home.” Kaliyah told her as she put her seatbelt on and turned towards the window.

“I know you’re upset but you can’t starve my nephew. What does he want? A deluxe combo and a lemonade?” She teased.

Rolling her eyes Kaliyah broke into a small smile. The sound of food made her happy no matter what. These days all her son craved was Chick Fil A which was weird to her because she didn’t care for it too much before she got pregnant.

“Whatever, just give my son some food.”

It didn’t take them long to get their food considering how great Chick Fil A’s customer service was. The food didn’t stand a chance and was gone before she even got home.

“Call me tomorrow and stop being so sad!” Sabrina yelled as Kaliyah walked to the door and took her keys out.

“Bye Sabrina!” She stuck up the middle finger.

When she got in the house she stepped out of the clothes she was wearing and hopped in the shower. She was exhausted because all day Sabrina drove her around making her run errands with her in order to get her out the house. While she appreciated her friends effort all she wanted to do was stay in the house until the baby got here.

As she brushed her hair into a ponytail her phone vibrated with a message from a familiar number. Picking up her phone she read over the message before responding.

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): What u want?

I need to tell something important. Can I call you?

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): Nah, you can text me what you want before I change my mind about unblocking you

I’m pregnant

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): ???

????

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): So what you tryna say it’s mine?

Please don’t do that. You know it’s yours.

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): I don’t know nothing. Ima need a test before you put anything on me.

Nevermind, forget I even brought it up. You can just block me again.

I don’t know why I even wasted my time with you.

My and my baby will be fine.

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): Calm down, how I know you’re not fucking with me?

Why would I be wasting my time? You made it clear you don’t fucking like me. I’m putting my feelings and pride aside to reach out to you so my son can have a father in his life but really just forget it.

Maybe( Jey 🫶🏽): Son?

She read over her last message and decided to just leave it alone. She was over going back and for with him. If he didn’t believe her than that’s what it is.

Shaking her head she turned her phone off and prepared herself for some much needed sleep.

[cillyscribbles]

my modern!cats au giving me, an avid non-smoker, thoughts about smoking and self image, of all things. i will put them under the cut, but meanwhile! enjoy this 1. shameless illustration of my own fic 2. tugger not quite loving the makeup (or costuming) of his poet-murderer role. (yes a local staging of roberto zucco changed my life, very nice of you to ask!)

so smoking bad etc etc don't smoke. anyway, all three brothers deuteronomy smoke, or at least have smoked for large chunks of their lives, albeit for wildly different reasons and standpoints.

munkustrap's been smoking since middle school, his start more or less aligning with the time period when old deuteronomy falls sick, grizabella ramps up her work, and munkustrap, at the ripe old age of maybe 14, starts managing the household and finances and whatnot.

he wishes he'd never started smoking, don't get me wrong. he wishes the relief of the thing wasn't worth it. he quits and starts again throughout the years, over and over and over, climbing into the third decade of the habit without being able to break it, never moving past the numbed feeling of failure for it. it's the one crack you'll occasionally catch in that aged picture of constant steadfastness and responsibility he's got going on.

to be unable to handle it all feels to him as good as giving up entirely. he smokes behind the school. he puts away the ashtrays when he has guests over. he doesn't like smoking with company, and he hates his shame being made known. if you'll allow me a pretentious second, it's sort of like an upward climb that he wants to take on alone so nobody else sees him stumble, and no one helps him if he twists an ankle. it's fine by him because he needs to be able to handle it himself. he needs to.

so. all this, versus tugger, who started well into adulthood and barrelled into it full and consciously. tugger, who smokes to replace sleep and sanity when his life runs on cigarettes and caffeine. but nothing more. he doesn't care to quit, he doesn't care to change. cigarettes look good between his fingers. he knows how to hold them pretty, like he knows everything else about himself that builds the picture he wants.

and, on a more interpersonal level, it upsets him that munkustrap is so acutely ashamed of it, the same way munkustrap is upset tugger is so casual about it. to some degree, though, i think that's because tugger's entirely hyperaware of how fragile life is and on how small a technicality shit can go sideways and end up killing him or anyone else. it's hard for him not to think about it. but it gives him some sort of strength to look for morbid humour in the things munkustrap wouldn't let himself laugh at, i think. it's gallows humour, to be fair, but it's good humour to tugger nonetheless. he finds stakes if not thrilling then certainly intriguing.

besides, making any sort of change to himself for other people, to tugger, is like betraying himself. he's built up that resistance to outside influence, and he's built it up hard and total. he doesn't mold, he doesn't bend, he'll do and look and say whatever he wants, he associates seeking validation strictly with misery. he doesn't understand munkustrap's frustration, or desire to please people, nor does he want to.

the thing with how tugger is, i think, is that he's just prodded at enough for both the street culture he grew up in and the inclination towards self-preservation of someone visibly queer to mesh together into something that can be spectacular and unmovable, and sometimes still turn ugly. i think curiosity is easy to push into cruelty with tugger.

shame is easy to mock for someone who's overcome it and tries hard to forget how insidious it can be. i think both munkustrap and tugger can be cruel to each other without wanting to and without really transgressing toward each other in a way that would dent their relationship, primarily because it's such a strong relationship but also because they're used to some sort of cruelty from the world at least, they just know better where to hit each other verbally to mess each other up. so. self-control, boys. comes to one of them easier than the other, LOL. and again, don't get me wrong. tugger doesn't want to be cruel to munkustrap, but it's not always a thing he can push away the instinct for. munkustrap doesn't want to be cruel to tugger, but he's been making hard decisions for ages and all but expects someone to be hurt by the end of it, and tugger is manageable. so. damn

[elsiewritesss]

hiii is there any chance you could write a smut with a shy/unexperienced reader with vinnie? you could add anything to it you can think of but vinnie liking she’s unexperienced

even calling her sweet names like angel, etc in it 😇😇

absolutely!!! also please read the authors note at the end!!

New Feelings

pairings: vinnie hacker x inexperienced fem reader

warnings: smut, fingering, pet names, swearing (slight)

summary: when vinnie finds out his girl has never had an orgasm, he vows to make that change.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Baby, baby, baby-” Vinnie spoke softly, his hands slightly pushing the girl on his lap back as she looked at him with a small pout on her face.

“What’s going on?” He asked, confused as he watched his girl look down, nervously playing with her hands.

The two were sitting on Vinnie’s couch, a usual evening for the two as they watched a movie. That was until Y/N leaned over to kiss Vinnie, the kiss turning into a heated makeout session very quickly.

“I…I wanna have sex.” She spoke, still avoiding eye contact. Vinnie blinked as he tried to render the words he just heard.

Y/N has had sex before, only a small handful of times with her ex. When she and Vinnie started dating, he never put any pressure on them having sex as he fell in love with her for who she is and not her body (A/N: DON’T SETTLE FOR A MAN WHO ONLY WANTS SEX!!! IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD!). She felt embarrassed for being so inexperienced but Vinnie assured her it was nothing to be embarrassed about.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-” Y/N started, feeling embarrassed before Vinnie cut her off by sitting up fully.

“No babe. Sorry you just took me by surprise there. Are you sure?” He asked, his eyes looking into hers as she looked back at him, her head nodding.

“I need words angel.” He said, rubbing his hands up and down her arms as she took in a breath.

“I’m sure.” Vinnie reached a hand up to brush the stray hairs behind her ear before securing his arms around her waist and lifting her up with him.

Y/N let out a squeal as Vinnie led them to his room, sitting down on his bed with her on his lap again.

“If you feel uncomfortable with anything or want to stop, just say stop and we’ll stop…okay?” Vinnie’s words were comforting to Y/N, her ex never really caring about making her feel comfortable.

“Okay.” Y/N gave a small smile, Vinnie returning it as he leaned forward to connect their lips.

Y/N felt her body relax at the feeling as her arms wrapped themselves around Vinnie’s neck while his wrapped around her waist.

Slowly, Vinnie stood up again as he turned to gently lay Y/N down on his bed with him hovering above her.

Y/N pulled back abruptly as Vinnie slightly tugged at the bottom of her shirt.

“Is this okay angel?” His words were soft and his eyes comforting to her as she nodded her head. Vinnie placed a soft kiss to her lips before pulling the shirt off her body and tossing it to the floor, leaving her breasts completely on display.

Vinnie shook his head slightly as he looked up at his girlfriend. The fact that she was inexperienced made something swell in his heart, pride almost. Knowing he can take much better care of her than her ex did and make her feel things she’s never felt before made his pride shine through even more.

Vinnie leaned down, attaching his lips to the side of her neck.

“Mm…” Y/N let out the soft moan as Vinnie’s lips hit her sweet spot. The girl could feel his lips turn into a slight smirk against her skin, before he reattached his lips back in that same spot.

“Vin-” Y/N breathed out, unintentionally clenching her thighs together as she felt heat rush to her core.

Vinnie pulled back to where he was eye level with her. His hand reached down to the waistband of her pajama shorts.

“Is this okay sweetheart?” The girl chewed on her bottom lip out of nerves as she stared into Vinnie’s comforting brown eyes.

“Yes.” She spoke softly, Vinnie leaning down to place a small peck on her nose before slowly pulling her shorts down, leaving her just in her underwear.

“You doing okay my angel?” Y/N felt her heart swell at how caring Vinnie was being.

“I’m okay.” She responded, grabbing onto Vinnie’s biceps as his eyes roamed over her body.

“Good. Baby, did your ex ever make you cum?” Vinnie was curious at the answer. Judging by the growing wet spot covering her, he anticipated the answer was-

“No.” He was correct, shaking his head slightly as he leaned back on his knees.

“Now that’s just rude. Don’t worry sweetheart, I got you.” Vinnie leaned his head forward to kiss her lips gently as he moved his hand down, slightly touching the wet spot on her panties.

“Oh!” Y/N yelped, her body jerking slightly.

“Relax angel. I got you. I promise I’m going to make you feel good.” Vinnie cooed, making Y/N relax and let a breath out as Vinnie applied more pressure to her center.

“Vinnie…don’t stop.” The boy held back a smirk, secretly loving that he’s barely touching her and she’s already begging him to not stop.

Slowly he removed his hand, grabbing onto the waistband of her panties before looking up at her, a silent question of ‘is this okay’ as Y/N nodded up at him.

Once Vinnie removed her panties, he observed the sight in front of him.

“Fuck baby.” He breathed out, her arousal dripping out and glistening against her.

“Vin, please. Do something.” Y/N practically begged as she wiggled around the bed.

“Okay okay.” Vinnie moved above her again, putting his weight on one arm as his other moved in between her legs.

He placed his thumb on her clit, her body jerking at the movement. Slowly, he began to rub small circles, applying just enough pressure for her to feel it.

“How does that feel angel?” His voice was deep as her eyes closed in pleasure.

“Good.” She breathed out, a small moan following which was music to Vinnie’s ears.

Vinnie kept the pace on her clit as he slowly moved his finger down, inching it inside her slowly.

“Ah!” Y/N squealed, making Vinnie stop his movements completely.

“You okay baby?” Concern filled his eyes as he looked at her face for any signs of discomfort.

“No no no. Keep going.” Her head shook against the pillow frantically as Vinnie let out a breath of relief.

“Don’t scare me like that darling jeez.” Vinnie said under his breath as he started back up with rubbing small circles on her clit, his finger pumping slowly in and out of her.

Vinnie felt himself get hard at the sight in front of him. Taking mental notes at how Y/N reacts to each movement he makes.

“Vinnie- wait. My stomach.” Y/N started, moving around to try and get him to stop at the new feeling pooling at the bottom of her stomach.

“It’s okay angel. Relax it’s okay.” He reassured, adding more pressure to her clit as he picked the pace up with thrusting his finger, adding a second one in to stretch her out.

“Mmm, fuck.” Y/N’s moan went high pitched as Vinnie felt her walls clench around his fingers as her orgasm hit her like a wave.

Vinnie removed his thumb from her clit as he continued to thrust his fingers into her as she rode out her orgasm.

Once her body stilled, Vinnie removed his fingers resulting in Y/N letting out a whine at the feeling.

The boy placed his fingers in his mouth, licking them clean as he leaned forward and attached his lips to Y/N’s cheek.

“That felt so good.” Y/N breathed out, looking up at him.

“I assume so, because you just had your first orgasm.” Vinnie spoke, a smug smile appearing on his face as Y/N looked up at him wide eyed.

“Really?” Vinnie nodded his head, giving her forehead a peck.

“Oh yeah, and there’s plenty more in store for you baby. Let’s not push it fully with sex just yet. Don’t want to overwhelm you with orgasms just yet.” Y/N rolled her eyes playfully as she slightly shoved him.

“Can you make me have another? Please?” Her eyes peered up at him, a smile coming to his face again as he chuckled.

“Oh yeah, as many as you want my love.”

A/N: i'm so sorry for the lack of posts. i know i recently talked about how my mental health took a turn. just when i was ready to post again a very close family member to me passed. it's been very hard on me and i'm still in the process of mourning the loss as i was very very close to this person. i'm trying to get into finishing requests that i've started to get them out asap to everyone🫶🏻

[lyraa-kill]

Shapeshifter Simon who’s true form is the Cerberus (new MW3 alone skin), only he hides it nearly all the time. Very few people know his “monster” status, and he’d like to keep it that way. He’d honestly like to stay in his human form for the rest of his life and completely forget about his two other heads.

Until he meets Johnny.

Suddenly, he wants Johnny to know him. He aches and yearns for Johnny to see his true form and still tell him that he loves him, that he thinks he’s handsome, that he wants to be with him. The two other consciousnesses he conceals scream at him inside to be let out, they want to know Johnny too! They want to be kissed and their faces held too! It’s not fair that Simon gets all of Johnny’s affection!

So one day, he calls Johnny into his room. He needs to show him. The nerves and adrenaline are coursing through his body, making him shake and his mouth go dry.

Johnny knocks on the door, then slowly opens it up once Simon says to come in.

“Ye wanted to see me?” Johnny asks, shutting the door behind him and making his way to Simon.

Simon nods. He can’t speak. Fuck, the anxiety is so bad. He feels his heart pounding at his chest like it’s about to break through his ribs.

“What’s wrong? Are ye alrigh’?” Johnny reaches up and gently holds Simon’s face, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs through his mask. Simon’s two other heads cry inside, wanting to know that touch as well.

“I’m- I’m okay.” Simon stammers. “I… I need to show you something.”

Johnny nods and looks at Simon, waiting.

“It’s weird. You’re going to freak out. B-but I need you to know, okay? I… I need to show you who I am. I need… I want to know if you can still love me, once you see the real me.”

Johnny’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Ah don’t understand. Of course I love you. That’s never going to change.”

Simon shakes his head. “Just… please. Johnny. Don’t freak out. Promise me you’ll stay calm.”

Johnny nods, a look of confusion on his face. “I promise.”

Simon lets loose a long sigh. Here goes nothing. Slowly, he lets the transformation start to course through him. He feels his flesh move and mold itself into its proper place, his bones and veins and muscles and arteries rearranging themselves. He feels his two other heads spring from his shoulders, his other arms pushing out of his back.

Johnny watches. His eyes go wide, his heart starts to pound. What the fuck is he witnessing? What is his boyfriend turning into? What is Simon turning into?

When the transformation is complete, Simon (and Ghost and Riley) stand there. Utterly terrified. Ghost and Riley are ecstatic to see Johnny with their own eyes for the first time, but they can also see the look of panic on Johnny’s face. The subtle step back he took. They can hear the pounding of his heart, smell the adrenaline in his blood.

“I’m a shapeshifter,” Simon says. “This… this is what I truly look like.”

Johnny stands there in silence.

“I know you weren’t expecting this and that it seems unbelievable. I know it’s probably terrifying. I’m… I’m sorry. Fuck. God, Johnny- I’m so fucking sorry-“

Simon starts to tear up looking at Johnny’s shocked face. He just ruined this. He ruined the most perfect and beautiful thing in his life. He starts to transform back, cringing when Ghost and Riley start to groan in protest.

Johnny reaches out, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Wait!” He exclaims.

Simon stops the transition. He gulps.

Johnny takes a deep breath in and swallows the rock in his throat. He looks at all three heads. Really looks at them. The middle one is his Simon. His perfect, beautiful, sculpted by the god’s Simon. The one to the left, because of the mask, looks near identical to Simon, but there’s something different in the eyes. The one to the right wears a different mask, and his face looks slightly different, his eyes more rounded and soft.

They’re all beautiful. If this is who Simon really is, if he’s three people in one, Johnny can love him. He can love all three of them. Absolutely.

“I’m not… I’m not scared of ye, Simon. I’m not.” Johnny says. “This is a little shocking and it’s not what I was expecting. I… wasn’t even aware this sort of thing could happen in reality. But I’m not scared. Never of you.”

Simon sighed, tears falling from his eyes. Ghost and Riley join in too.

“They’ve been wanting to meet you,” Simon whispers. “Was jealous I got you all to myself.”

Johnny smiles. “That right?”

The head to the left groans, a few raspy inaudible words leaving its mouth. “That’s ghost.” Simon says. The head to the left groans as well, muttering out a small Johnny. “That’s Riley.”

Johnny smiles. He holds Simon’s face in his hands, then softly kisses him on the forehead. “I love you, Simon.” He says. He turns to the left and grabs that head, saying, “I love you too, Ghost.” He then turns to the last head, softly holding him under the chin and kissing him on the tip of the nose, then says, “I love you as well, Riley.”

All three heads cry from joy. Simon at being accepted, and Ghost and Riley finally being able to feel Johnny’s touch.

[crisis-starter]

Mirabelle’s thing took more effort than I thought!

Mostly because I… can’t really take anymore of the innate desire to scrap what I just wrote because the grammatical and punctuational errors in the Change God’s dialogue, though purposeful, are driving me up the wall.

For now, have a Mirabelle Loops thing…

)•{+}•<>+<>•{+}•(

Mirabelle was… perplexed to be brought back to the room where her Change God statue was, even though they already had obtained the Keyknife (or Knifekey, as Siffrin called it after it was sharpened). The group had looked the room up and down and had nothing else left to investigate. So why were they here again? Siffrin seemed to look at the statue in thought.

Mirabelle glanced at Bonnie, who seemed to try and gauge the correct timing for something. Mirabelle was about to ask before Siffrin called, “Mira, can you put your hand on the statue?” The housemaiden turned to look at Siffrin before complying hesitantly, “Hm? Um, sure?” It was a fairly simple thing. It wouldn’t hurt to try.

It wasn’t painful, but hearing a whistle and then waking up in a white void is not something you expect to experience on a normal day. Or, rather, as normal as the day before the end of the world can get. But hey! At least Mirabelle isn’t alone! Siffrin is with her!

She was about to ask Siffrin to hear their opinion before the rogue entered a fighting stance and informed, “Someone’s there, Mira!” Mirabelle’s head snapped to the figure approaching them, startled. She needed to help Siffrin! But wait… isn’t that… “The… the Head Housemaiden?”

Euphrasie looked almost… offended? Then a buzzer sounded for some odd reason. It slightly distracted her before she noticed the Euphrasie was replaced by Bonnie! The shape shifting figure feigned despair, “mirabelle!!! how could you not recognize little old me!?!?! (·•᷄∩•᷅ )” How on earth did the figure do that with their mouth? Things aside, “They changed shapes!” It was… nice to know Siffrin was just as unnerved as she was.

The figure shifted to look like Siffrin for a sec, startling the rogue next to Mirabelle a bit. They put their hands on their hips before giggling, “well yeah!! don’t you know who I am?? (*´▽`*)” Mirabelle took a second to think before expressing her own little version of shock, “The Change God?!” The figure shifted into Bonnie before twirling and exclaiming with a big smile, “ding ding ding!!! hiya! it’s me, the change god!!! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧”

Mirabelle paused to interpret what she was seeing. The guilt of being a bad housemaiden started to hit her like a truck. And if Siffrin’s concern and the Change God’s shock were anything to indicate, Mirabelle was bawling. In a state of surprise, the Change God shifted to look like Mirabelle for a second before turning into Isabeau, trying to comfort her, “mirabelle!!! what happened?? im sorry if i upset you!! (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )”

Mirabelle wiped her tears, hiccups lacing her words, “No no… it’s th-that… I’m sorry for being a bad housemaiden. For stagnating, for not trying new things… For not… Changing…” She feels safer, just being cutesy Mirabelle. Even the title of Savior stresses her out to no end! So undergoing Change itself? That would feel tantamount to scaling a mountain with nothing to break your fall.

The Change God looked blankly at Mirabelle before saying, “oh that!!! dont worry about it ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭ I dont care” Now it was Mirabelle’s turn to be confused, “Huh?” The figure shifted to look like Odile before explaining, “if i was mad about it then i wouldn’t have helped you as much as i did right? but well wouldja look at that! you got the keyknife!!! i did it because I believe in you!! ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-“ Siffrin looked less tense, but still bit alarmed. The Change God continued, shifting to look like a star… person for a split second, “also… THIS PLAY NEEDS MORE VARIETY. BUT DO NOT WORRY. YOU WILL FIND AID. YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN WHEN TO CATCH IT.”

Mirabelle stopped crying. She was startled by the final thing the Change God told her. A play? Nonetheless, she felt at least a bit reassured. The Change God shifted to look like Isabeau before starting to talk, “i will tell you something very important, so listen close. ( •̀ - •́ )” The change god reverted to Isabeau’s image, “for a ton of reasons, you won’t remember it!” They cocked their head sightly to the side, “well, your mind won’t but your heart will!!! ଘ(੭´꒳`)°* ੈ‧₊˚” They sighed, “it’s true that i don’t help humans much, but my measly god powers are nothing compared to yours!!! ৻( •̀ ᗜ •́ ৻) you’re doing incredible mirabelle, even if you don’t believe it at first (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) but, just in case that isn’t enough…”

The Change God abandoned the appearances and revealed Mirabelle’s statue, but animated. They softened their voice to something gentle, a far cry from the dramatic display they gave prior, “you are loved, mirabelle. i see you changing, even if you do not. you are always changing, always evolving. you are not stagnating in any way. and even if you were, that would be fine, because life is about changes but it’s also about staying right where you are sometimes. I am proud of you,” they immediately switched back to their expressive self, “and i love you!!!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ��)⸝♡ and i love the stupid ugly face you gave me and i wont ever let anyone destroy it!!! o( ˶^▾^˶ )o remember that okay!!! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)”

Mirabelle smirked before giggling, “Thank you, Change God. You are nothing like I was expecting, but…” The housemaiden gave a big smile, “I would expect nothing less from you!” She thought she spotted something from the corner of her eye. Was Siffrin still… suspicious? But the Change God has been so…

Then the god snapped her out of her thought process, looking like Bonnie this time, “before you go, i have a gift for you! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ꕤ*.ﾟ” the whistle of wind sounded in her ears. Mirabelle looked at the Change God confused, “What wa-“ The Change God giggled before saying, “bye bye now!!! i’ll talk to siffrin and then it’s back to the mission at hand!!! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ”

Mirabelle panicked, calling out, “WAIT! WHAT…” her voice faltered when she found herself in the prayer room again, “…was that?” Siffrin woke up from a trance seconds after, slightly pensive about… something. Mirabelle felt weird. Something like… being able to learn more? No, not that exactly. More like… agh it barely makes sense in her head.

Isabeau questioned if she and Siffrin were alright. He commented that it looked like you both looked almost… half conscious. Hm. Mirabelle caught Odile’s suggestion that the team should proceed if everyone was okay. You agreed with her assessment. You and your rag tag group of friends should get going.

You have a king to defeat and a country to save after all.

)•{+}•<>+<>•{+}•(

MIRABELLE IS DONE

Okay, so here’s what I’m going to do about the filler posts. I’ve decided that I’ll put the filler posts through a queue.

I‘ve also decided to maybe try all of the options. Because most of them are very new to me.

I don’t doodle or draw as much as you’d be led to believe (and even then they are quite abstract I guess?), and I’ve never touched digital art. I’ve never run an ask blog before. I’ve given WIP commentary to friends on Discord but not on Tumblr. So… I am just the slightest bit nervous that I might do something wrong…..

But anyway, here is my challenge on Odile’s chapter:

Putting this entire scene into words from Odile’s perspective.

To my darling audience:

Good Morning

Good Day

Good Afternoon

Good Evening

Good Night

[trapastrology]

My Solar Return/Profection Year Experiences

*Since my birthday is approaching*

1H Venus~ I have definitely felt like i've looked the best by far this year! My style has transformed the most. I've found my signature, hairstyles, scents, and style! I've worn things out of my ordinary and they looked amazing on me and now they've become a part of my regular wardrobe! I've changed up my style a lot and realized that for the most part makeup isn't really for me. At least nothing heavy, the less, the better. I've also become more intune with my femininity. I've been more soft spoken, sweet and easier to approach from what others have been telling me. I have also been putting in effort daily to look good without being super vain. It's a great balance!

Sag rising-definitely way more adventurous and spontaneous than ever. I've gotten up so many times on a whim and just went where the wind blew me. I'd randomly get invited out and instead of thinking about the ins and outs, i'd just agree and had the best day everrrr!!!!! As a virgo sn, i say no a lot and think about the pros. Saying yes with no real plan of how I was going to get to point a and b actually did wonders! Being that My nn is jupiter ruled, i will be taking this lessen with me from now on.

6H Year-I for sure have been getting all of my ducks in a row! I've dropped a lot of bad habits and traits and pick up way better ones that have improved my overall quality of life! Yes, there was a period where I had to put a lot of work in, but it was necessary being that for my next year I can enjoy all the fruits of my labor. I've gotten a taste so far during these last few months about how my new year will be and I can say that I adore it! I have a post about what you should do for a 6H year for those of you who are interested

8H Moon-phew, this one right here has put me THRU IT! The emotional highs and lows are insane. The emotional purging? Painful, exhausting but very needed! A lot of family secrets and family members who did certain things behind my back has come to light...a lot! Seeing things & ppl for what they truly are. Recognizing my own flaws and issues that i cause/caused in all relationships and fixing them. I've been learning lessons and have stopped doing the same things expecting to get a different outcome. knowing when i have to sever ties for good. Being vocal about how I feel instead of shutting down. Actually taking charge of my life instead of just letting things happen to me

These are just a few things I've experienced so far from dec 2023-now and those things were caused by those plmts! If you like this, I'll do a part 2 in the next month or 2.

I do Solar Return and Profection Year readings so if your birthday has just passed or is coming up, get one from me to see what you have in store for your personal year! Check my pinned post to see how to book with me or just dm me!

Ty for reading if you've gotten this far, love you all!

[chevelleneech]

Are You Sure? - Ep8

Here are my thoughts now that I finally watched the episode (I was at work all day, anon, lol).

I honestly don’t have too too many, because my main takeaway was that they seemed to have truly needed these trips together. They knew by Jeju they’d be enlisting together, so I feel like any thoughts I had about the trips being a sort of last hurrah before potentially being separated go out the window.

They knew they’d be together, so barring them being romantically involved in some way… I kind of don’t get the point of the series.

Had this been a special involving other members, then it being work related would make sense. Had this been more like the Jeju episodes where they weren’t as laid back, I’d get it, but it wasn’t. Five out of eight episodes focused on them not doing much else other than simply spending time together. Sight seeing and going out to eat, with a sprinkle of activities. We saw them shopping for food and driving more than anything else, but for some reason they both still say the whole experience and filming of the series was the best thing they’ve gotten to do.

That to me, and I say this with full honesty, does not make sense to me, if they’re strictly platonic. I don’t know, episode eight sees them putting a certain level of importance on these trips that many antis wanted to rip away, and surely they knew that. They know what people think about them in their own fandom, both for the better and the worse, and they didn’t care. Which, good for them.

Moving away from my confusion in an attempt to find another explanation, I also think their joint melancholy about having to leave triggered the dropping of their guards a little bit. Add that to them drinking some, and their whole reaction moment felt almost intrusive to see, lol. They kept gravitating toward each other the entire time, only for the editors to skip to them sitting back up with more space between them. Nevermind the footsie and Jimin walking by the room they were shown going to bed in, when he said he was going to wake JK up.

So unless Jungkook was already up and in the shower or something, which they conveniently didn’t mention despite doing it every other time… they either didn’t sleep in the room with the camera or JK moved rooms. But again, given they gave us updates about every other sleeping arrangement or change, why would their last night be different if nothing happened? (By “nothing” I genuinely mean I think they moved to a different room without a camera, likely to talk or simply be closer. Not necessarily sex, because again, I don’t see them going there with a house full of staff.)

Pure speculation of course, lol, but yeah. Those moments made me feel a little like, okay, they did this with the intent of making memories. They may have wanted to cement who they are to each other in this moment, because no matter how optimistic they were that things wouldn’t change and their friendship would be solid, no one can predict the future.

Couple that with them both starting Ep1 saying they hadn’t seen each other and Jimin not being sure (no pun intended) the trip was a good idea in the first place, to them ending Ep8 saying they didn’t want it to be over and spent the last few days happy… it’s a big deal, I think. Especially with how many times they spent their last day in Sapporo taking about how romantic and pretty everything was.

Per the words from their own mouths, they created a small, romantic, nice, and happy bubble they didn’t want to leave, and I love that for them. They got to be happy and cared for by one another, and want to spend many more years to come doing the same thing. I hope they get that.

Oh and final thought… I want that house! Their final Sapporo house was beautiful, as was the town. It felt like a holiday special!

[sheenashifts1217]

Pick A Pile #3

9/19/24

Message From Your DR Self

Take a breath and pick the image you’re drawn to first. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. This is a collective reading so some may resonate with this more than others. For a personal reading, check my pined post <3

Pile 1: Beach heart, Pile 2: Lightning Heart, Pile 3: Cloud Heart

Pile 1

Lyrics standing out:

“They say that we’re no good together and it’s never gonna work out

Everything you do is magic

Let em take pictures

Spread it all across the world now

I don’t know what to believe

Everything you do is magic”

Hi beautiful angels of Pile 1. Your DR self wants you to trust yourself more. You are your DR self. Your DR self is your CR self. Are you stressed about shifting? Don’t be because you’ve already shifted. Your DR self is telling you to take shifting and your DR off of such a high pedestal. There is nothing holding you back from your desires except for yourself. Get out of your own way. This I your sign to embrace all that you are and to on your power. You don’t need some outside cosmic force to make you shift. YOU ARE A COSMIC FORCE. Allow your reality to flow, it doesn’t have to be follow any rules. Magic is normal, normalize it to yourself because “everything you do is magic”. Every choice you make is shifting your reality, it’s that simple.

Your DR may include a lot of magic ad your DR self wants you to know that your s/o loves you like breathing.

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: 444, blue bird, green leaf, dew drop, glass of water, blue, Billie Eillish, older women, dance

Pile 2

Lyrics standing out:

“Haven’t seen my mother in a long, long time

Do you really think I give a damn

I say I live in Rosemead, really, I’m at the Ramada

So many other things you can’t believe

Puts the shower on while he calls me

Your mom called, I told her you’re fucking up big time”

Hi beauties, Pile 2! Your DR self is telling you that you are having the time of your life. You may be a person who shifts pretty frequently, but to different DRs, or you may have a lot of DRs, but struggle to focus on one. Your ability to go with the flow is rewarding you greatly. If you’re shifting for an s/o, your relationship couldn’t be better. Marriage is in the near future for a few of you. Basically, your DR self is saying to sit back and enjoy the ride. Everything is going your way because you’re allowing it. Keep doing whatever you’re doing because it’s working. You’re on a path of healing and your inner child is shining. You are finally learning to give up on the thought of needing external validation and people pleasing. Keep it up because your hard work is paying off!

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: “J”, red, crayon, curve, back road, country, serve, slay, boots, 24, 2, Taylor Swift, Willow, 90’s

Pile 3

Lyrics standing out:

“Now he’s just a shadow

My boy loves his friends like I love my split ends

My boy don’t love me like he promised

He ain’t a man, he sure as hell ain’t honest

Who are you?

He said he’d change

You want me to be yours, then you’ve got to be mine”

Hello lovely Pile 3! Why are you still doing things and allowing things in your life that don’t serve you? I know that was harsh right off the bat, but seriously, why? You know what you need and you know what hurts you. You’ve become comfortable in your cycle instead of actually speaking growth. Your DR self is telling you to stand the fuck up because you could be doing literally anything else, yet you’re self destructing. A lot of you began shifting to heal your inner child, but you began to use it to sulk and self destruct. Your DR self is you RN. You are in your CR because it is where you are desiring to be. Change your mindset to be in your “DR”, because right now, you’re making your CR be you DR by choosing to remain in the loop and keeping the same mentality. You always say you’re gonna change but don’t follow through. Actually do it, you won’t regret it. Your DR self says that things are great in your DR right now and they’re tired of you complaining about not being there when you’re not even actually intending to be there. A lot of things will lighten up once you face your shadow self and actually take that leap of faith.

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: purple, cream, sparkles, glitter, candy, green, jeans, eagles, pen, fun, 888, 9, 23, trees, flowers

[roachfun]

This is probably a wild thing to get but your “Gojo should stay dead” post has got my unmedicated ass vibrating.

(I’ve only read jjk0, besides that literally all of my exposure has been via 3 video essays and fanfic… I basically got into the series backwards and tbh it’s an interesting experience…)

And tbh I agree with you more than not. Even though the view I have of the character is so fucking warped because jjk fanfic is too the gills filled with smut.

Because what I’ve gathered from the video essays and the few bits of fanfics that actually tried getting into his mind… is that the man is gd tired.

A god complex the size of the sun, that’s only ever been challenged once by one of the few people he ever formed a genuine connection with, and it was challenged as that person was leaving him. That incident may have motivated him to change, but that change was predominantly if not exclusively external, he didn’t really do much self reflection.

After Geto left, Gojo did better (became a teacher, warding Megumi, not letting Yuta be executed) but he didn’t work on being better (god complex, recklessness, belief that his way is the only way with no real consideration for the effects those decisions have on others)

He’s selfish, arrogant, and reckless, he doesn’t seem to take much of anything seriously and that may be a persona (again, I haven’t actually read jjk yet… the ending of mha did the characters, narrative, and audience so gd dirty I need to know how jjk ends so I set my expectations accordingly) but I can very much see this man never really developing his sense of empathy because he never really had any stakes… like he has some understanding, but the god complex and the fact people around him constantly reinforce it… he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes, there’s a detachment from reality that would read as delusional for anybody else, but he has spent his entire life being told he is the strongest with nothing ever being able to prove him wrong.

Than on the flip side of that god complex, honestly for a good while, and still sorta kinda… to me he reads as passively suicidal. (I know “Word of God” can be controversial regarding character analysis because of its absence in the base text) but the fact Gege’s rough rundown of Gojo’s daily schedule was basically “he sleeps for about 3 hours and spends the rest of his time working, his sweet tooth is actually somewhat practical as he uses sugar as a stimulant.” That’s not good for your noggin. Add the isolation caused by his status and his god complex, I see him coming to the conclusion that the only way he should die, is in battle.

And he did! Even if wasn’t in the “final sacrifice that ensures he becomes a legend” sort of way I think he would’ve hoped for.

But that also felt… right? (Certainly not fair, Gege openly admitting he kills off fan favorites for the shock value does dampen the possible emotional impact that could’ve been achieved… but I digress)

Every time Gojo fights, and I mean properly fights, he’s smiling, it’s a game to him, a chance to show off, to assert his dominance and reaffirm his status… so him dying so suddenly that his legs are still standing as his upper half falls to the floor, he’s lying there choking on his own blood as he bleeds out and Sukuna saying it “cleared his skies” (weird phrasing, but I think that’s a cultural/translation thing) it could’ve been a gut punch of a tragedy that amped up the stakes of the final conflict! The protagonists’ trump card is gone in a handful of panels and a flick of the wrist! He’s bleeding out on the ground as the big bad seems to reach a moment of genuine inner peace! But the backtracking and Gege’s history lessened that significantly

tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Shonen Jump had something to do with it… the motivations for Gege’s writing choices are questionable to me (it feels spiteful and cheap) but they’ve been consistent until now, what changed?

Anyway it is… 5:45 am… I should be asleep, but I’m here vomiting character analysis based on partial information in your inbox… I hope you have a good day/night/whatever is appropriate for when you receive this

I hate that you had me read all that, but I couldn't agree more with most that you said (except maybe where you call him selfish and I lowk think geges killing system is fair and I like it a lot but🤷).

Anyways, I don't know how to really respond to this since you basically did all the talking lol (plus I'm tired from reading all that and just got out of school).

I do have a question tho. how did you start with jjk0??? Like how does something like that happen. Also you haven't watched the anime or anything😭???

Anyways, thanks for dropping this essay on me have a good day/night or life in case we never speak🩵

[cynic-spirit]

The request

Yn stood in the dimly lit corner of the library, her usual confidence replaced with an unusual hesitance. She fiddled with the edge of her book, her fingers tracing the worn spine as she tried to gather the courage to speak. Bucky, sensing her unease, stepped closer, his intense gaze softening as he looked at her.

“Yn, what is it?” Bucky asked gently, his voice low and soothing. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Yn glanced up at him, her eyes filled with uncertainty. “I... I have a request, Bucky. But I’m not sure if I should ask.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed in concern. “Hey, it’s me. You can ask me anything. What’s on your mind?”

She shifted her weight, looking down at her feet. “It’s just... it’s a bit complicated, and I don’t want to burden you with it.”

Bucky took a step closer, his hand reaching out to gently lift her chin so she would look at him. “You could never burden me. Just tell me what you need. I’ll do it.”

Her eyes searched his, looking for reassurance. “But... it’s a lot to ask, and I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

Bucky’s grip on her chin was firm but tender, his eyes locked on hers with unwavering determination. “Yn, I’m not just saying this. Whatever it is, I’ll do it. Please, just tell me.”

Yn took a deep breath, her voice barely above a whisper. “Are you sure, Bucky? I don’t want to put you in a difficult position.”

Bucky’s expression softened even more, his heart aching at her apprehension. “I’m sure. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Just say the word, and it’s done.”

She hesitated a moment longer, her eyes dropping to the floor again. “It’s just... I don’t know how you’ll react, and I don’t want things to change between us.”

Bucky shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. “Nothing you ask could ever change how I feel about you. I promise. Just tell me, Yn.”

Yn’s hand trembled slightly as she reached up to touch his, still holding her chin. “Alright,” she said softly, meeting his gaze once more. “I’ll tell you. But please, understand how important this is to me.”

Bucky nodded, his eyes filled with resolve. “I understand. And I promise, whatever it is, I’ll make it happen.”

Yn took a deep breath, her fingers nervously rummaging through her satchel bag. Finally, she pulled out a small, elegant tube of Chanel lipstick. She held it out to Bucky, her eyes meeting his with a mixture of hope and apprehension.

"This is my favorite red lipstick," she said, her voice soft and uncertain. "I can't find it anywhere in this city. And... I don't want to be without my red lipstick. Would you..."

Before she could finish, Bucky's expression shifted from curiosity to a determined resolve. "Find it for you? Damn, Yn, I’ll move mountains to find this one."

He took the lipstick from her hand, examining the label as if committing it to memory. "Cannot have my girl without her red lips now, can I?" he said with a confident smirk.

Yn's shoulders relaxed a bit, a small smile forming on her lips. "You really don't have to go to so much trouble, Bucky. It's just a lipstick."

Bucky shook his head, his eyes never leaving hers. "No, it's not just a lipstick. It's your favorite. It’s part of what makes you... you. And I want you to have it. I'll find it, I promise."

She bit her lip, her eyes glistening with gratitude. "Thank you, Bucky. I really appreciate it. I know it's silly, but it means a lot to me."

He reached out and gently touched her cheek, his thumb brushing against her skin. "Nothing about you is silly, Yn. If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. I’ll find this lipstick, no matter what it takes."

Yn nodded, feeling a warmth spread through her chest at his words. "You're amazing, Bucky. Thank you."

Bucky leaned in, his voice low and earnest. "Anything for you, Yn. I’ll have it back in your hands before you know it."

He turned, already planning his next steps, but not before giving her one last reassuring smile. "You just keep being you, with or without the lipstick. But I’ll make sure you have it. Count on that."

A few days later, Yn found a large, elegantly wrapped box waiting for her on her doorstep. Curiosity piqued, she carried it inside and set it on her kitchen table. The box was adorned with a luxurious ribbon, tied in a perfect bow.

With a mixture of excitement and trepidation, Yn untied the ribbon and lifted the lid. Her eyes widened in shock and delight as she saw the contents: rows and rows of her favorite Chanel red lipstick, meticulously arranged within the box. There had to be at least twenty tubes, each one shining under the light.

Nestled among the lipsticks was a small, handwritten note. Her heart skipped a beat as she picked it up and began to read:

"Those red lips are only mine to kiss...

Love, yours,

Bucky"

Yn's cheeks flushed, and she couldn't help but smile. She traced the words on the note with her fingers, feeling a warm flutter in her chest. Bucky had gone above and beyond, and the gesture touched her deeply.

She picked up one of the lipsticks, twisting it open to reveal the familiar, perfect shade of red. Applying a fresh coat, she felt a sense of completeness, a part of her restored.

As she admired her reflection in a nearby mirror, she couldn't help but think of Bucky's words. His declaration, both possessive and tender, echoed in her mind. She knew Bucky was a man of intense emotions, but this gesture showed a side of him that was deeply caring and attentive.

Yn's phone buzzed on the table, breaking her reverie. It was a message from Bucky.

"Did you get the package?"

She quickly typed back, her fingers trembling slightly.

"Yes, Bucky. I did. Thank you so much. This means more to me than you know."

Almost immediately, his reply came.

"Anything for you, Yn. You know that. Those red lips are my favorite."

Yn bit her lip, smiling as she typed back.

"And here I thought you were just a tough mobster."

"Only for you, Yn. Only for you."

She put her phone down, her heart feeling light. Bucky’s thoughtful gesture and heartfelt note were more than she could have ever asked for. She glanced at the box of lipsticks again, her smile widening.

As she went about her day, the note stayed with her, tucked safely into her pocket, a constant reminder of Bucky's affection and devotion. And with every glance in the mirror, her perfectly red lips would remind her of the man who had, without a doubt, wrapped himself around her heart.

Yn arranged to meet Bucky at his club. As she walked in, she felt a mix of gratitude and curiosity swirling within her. She spotted him at their usual spot, his rugged features softening as he saw her approach.

"Hey," she greeted, sitting down beside him. "I got the package."

Bucky's lips curled into a smirk. "I’m glad. Did it meet your expectations?"

Yn laughed softly, shaking her head in disbelief. "More than met. Exceeded by miles. But I have to know... how did you find it? And so many? I checked all the shops in the entire state."

Bucky leaned back, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Well... that’s my secret. I won’t reveal it."

She raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued but not pushing further. "Alright, keep your secrets then," she teased, her smile growing.

Bucky's expression grew serious, though his eyes still held that playful glint. "Now, I believe we had an agreement," he said, his voice dropping to a low murmur.

Yn blushed, feeling the warmth spread through her cheeks. She leaned in, her lips brushing against his gently at first, then deepening the kiss. It was a kiss filled with gratitude and affection, a promise of more.

When they finally pulled away, Bucky's hand lingered on her cheek, his thumb tracing the line of her jaw. "Yes," he said softly, his voice filled with satisfaction. "My red lips. Mine to kiss."

Yn's heart raced at his possessive yet tender words. She smiled, resting her forehead against his. "Only yours," she whispered.

The intensity in Bucky's eyes softened, a rare tenderness that he reserved only for her. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arm around her. "You have no idea what you do to me," he confessed quietly.

Yn chuckled, the sound light and melodic. "I think I might have some idea," she replied, her eyes sparkling.

They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other. Yn’s heart swelled with a mixture of emotions. She felt cherished and adored, knowing that Bucky would go to any lengths for her. And as for Bucky, every moment with Yn only deepened his affection, making him all the more certain that she was the one who had truly captured his heart.

[stark-lord]

Constantly plagued with thoughts of Edwin now knowing he enjoys being courted and Charles (compulsive charmer) with a whole new arsenal up his sleeve (laser focus on Monty’s whole deal)

“I mean, my smile is prett-y convincing” yeah yeah okay I can see where this is heading. Outlook not so good (for me)

[puppyeared]

i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you

[woobble42069]

HEARING TUBBO ASKING FOR PERFERANTAL VOTING AND DESCRIPTIONS IS MAKING ME CRY. THIS IS WHAT BAD WANTED , THIS IS WHAT I WANT. DONT MAKE THE MISTAKES AMERICA MAKES PLEASE o(-(

I GET IT PEOPLE DIDNT LIKE THE ELECTION ARC! QBBH WAS A ANNOYING ABOUT HIS SYSTEM! BUT HE WAS ANNOYING FOR GOOD REASON!! WE LIVE IN THE GOOD OL USA WE KNOW THE SYSTEM IS SHIT PLEASE!

i know people said it wasn't good for lore and that this system would cause more conflict but think of all the cool features that could be added to the qsmp that could /lead/ to cool lore! botaina has a whole new dimension! vinery could play in to dapper and aypierre lore! we could have the industrial age in the qsmp! with ranked choice voting the max amount of people will be happy and we can see creators use these mobs bc they wanted them!! and they'll have know what they were voting for with descriptions instead of just siding with whoever is the loudest!! obviously that will still happen a bit but less votes will be cast that way!

and i know it's not that deep and ultimately it's a fictional story and the plot will keep plotting regardless but hearing someone else wanting the same thing just makes me think of what we could have

anyways qtubbo is so based. i loved him from the jump but if he didn't win me over in purgatory he has won me over now.