#someone fucking put me down already I am constantly so pained

[stark-lord]

Constantly plagued with thoughts of Edwin now knowing he enjoys being courted and Charles (compulsive charmer) with a whole new arsenal up his sleeve (laser focus on Monty’s whole deal)

“I mean, my smile is prett-y convincing” yeah yeah okay I can see where this is heading. Outlook not so good (for me)

[duffslut]

Teach you a lesson

Modern! Axl Rose x Reader

My Masterlist.

Word Count: 613

Warnings: Smut! Minors Dni.

Axl held you by the neck while making you take steps back without even knowing which direction you were going, it was only when you felt your head hit the wall that he finally stopped, his blue eyes stared at you with anger and desire at the same time, you knew you had disobeyed him, but you didn't imagine he would find out so quickly.

- You're a fucking whore. - He said in his frighteningly thick voice, without taking his hands off your neck, you started to run out of air.

A tear ran down your cheeks.

- Don't you dare fucking cry in front of me! - You held back your tears and felt Axl's hand roughly lift your skirt and go down inside your panties.

Of course you were wet, the more badly Axl treated you, the more horny you felt for him, and that made him even angrier.

- Tell me you slut... - Axl started saying as he shoved 2 fingers inside your pussy. - Who does this wet pussy belong to?

- To you baby. - You tried to caress his face but he grabbed your hand before you could touch him.

- To me? - He asked. - So tell me Y/n, why were you talking to someone I said you shouldn't talk to? Am I not man enough for you? - He screamed.

Axl turned your body backwards from him, facing the wall, and arched your back so that your ass was sticking up for him, you groaned in pain as he gave your ass the first slap, burning your skin, he didn't stop, the thick rings between his fingers made your skin hurt even more.

You could feel your pussy literally dripping wet as Axl slapped you, your face on the wall was soaked with tears, you couldn't take the teasing anymore, you wanted him to fuck the shit out of you. Axl put one finger in your mouth, and you sucked on it like you were sucking his cock, and once it was wet enough, he shoved it in your ass.

- Take it like a good girl. - He whispered repeatedly while fingering your asshole.

You could tell when even he couldn't take it anymore, his dick was almost bursting through his pants.

- Let me help you daddy. - You said when Axl finally allowed you to turn around and kneel in front of him.

He remained standing, holding your head as you unzipped his pants, you looked up for permission, but what Axl did was spit on his own dick right before he buried your head in, already making you choke, shoving his cock deep in your throat, you covered yourself in the pre-cum that was constantly leaking from his dick, licking all over its width and down to his balls, sucking them while using your hands to masturbate him. You reached your hand down to his nipple piercing, playing with it as you started to move your mouth up to his belly button, and then continued up until you reached his pecs, you kissed every inch of his skin, and nibbled on his nipple where the piercing dangled, which made him grunt. You guided Axl to the couch and sat down in front of him, rubbing your clit with one hand while the other was in your mouth.

- Please fuck me daddy! - You asked and Axl came closer, finally placing his cock against your pussy, but without fucking you yet, only masturbating himself.

You rolled your eyes and smiled when he finally started to push inside you, but your smile soon disappeared when you felt the warm liquid inside you.

- You didn't deserve it today, finish it yourself and clean up this fucking mess.

[ashwhowrites]

I saw someone request rockstar Eddie with a groupie I was thinking maybe a groupie is all over him and backstage after a concert Eddie hates it and just wants his wife then reader his wife walks in assuming he was cheating and I trust you with the end🤍

Love it!! Here we go! I did your idea! But for some reason made it way more painful than needed so oops

⚠️angst as usual but fluff ending

Also I deleted this like three times and wrote it multiple ways. And I still hate how I wrote this so whoever requested it- if you hate it too, let me know so I can fix it babes

When her husband is a rockstar that girls have wet dreams about, she knows she'll spend a lifetime being jealous. When his fingers can work fast on the guitar while he multitasks with singing, she knows where other girls minds run off to. She was the same. She started as a girl who had a crush on the lead guitar player and singer. She watched him on stage and had dreams about his fingers, mouth, voice, and body constantly. And it was like he knew it. He'd smirk in her direction during his solos. Always standing near her side of the stage when he'd kneel down to sign girls'boobs. Eyes always flicked to hers, never even looking at who he was signing. The sexual tension got too hot and too high. Before she knew it she was in the bathroom being fucked against the mirror.

That's how they started. A bathroom fuck, so romantic right?

She never would have guessed the same man would be proposing to her years later on stage, in front of a sold out crowd in New York.

She was by his side when he was a small bar band and now he took her all over the world as he grew. Eddie was in love with her before he even learned her name. Getting to fuck her was just the bonus.

They were in love and maybe got married too young, but they didn't care. He wasn't letting her go anywhere.

Eddie doesn't even remember what they were fighting about before he left. He remembers screaming and her screaming back.

He remembers yelling, "DON'T EVEN FUCKING COME TONIGHT!" as he slammed the door.

Which he regretted the second he played the first song. Looking to his left where she stood backstage, and just like he asked, she didn't show up.

His first performance in months without her there and he felt like an asshole. He couldn't even remember who started it or why it started. And if he couldn't answer those questions, then he knew it wasn't important enough to keep being upset about it.

He collected together all of his stuff in the dressing room, throwing it harshly in his bag.

"hey Eddie, I know you are in a rush to get home but we have a fan out here who is dying to say hi" Gareth said. He knew Eddie and his wife were fighting before he came here, Eddie showed up tense and pissed off. The couple has been on short circuits. Screaming at each other at the drop of a hat.

Eddie thinks it's the stress of trying to have a baby that was taking a toll on their relationship. She was getting upset at her body for not accepting a baby and she took it out on him. She knew it wasn't fair but she couldn't stop. And Eddie, instead of understanding how hard it must be on her, he got pissed that he became her target. They both didn't talk about their feelings and that's where they kept going wrong.

"I'm really sorry dude. But I am not in the mood. Y/N's upset and I need to apologize. Just ask her to come next week" Eddie sighed. Gareth gave him a guilty look as the door opened and the girl squealed excitedly. Jumping in her dress as she screamed about the band in front of her.

Eddie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Plastering on his best smile. He could suffer for a few minutes.

~~

She was drunk in seconds. Already throwing herself on Eddie's lap.

"no no" he mumbled, unhooking her arms but she laced their fingers together.

"I'm married" he mumbled again, trying to shift his body from under her. He was not in the mood for this type of game.

But she stayed put. Not even moving a muscle. Eddie looked around the room and noticed he was alone

"if you are married ,where are they?" She asked

"she's at home. I told her not to come" he sighed. And now he wanted her to be here more than ever. He didn't want a random girl on his lap. He wanted his wife to be here.

"how come?"

"because I was stupid and she's pissed.But seriously I need you to get off of me. This isn't happening and will never happen" he tried to push her again

"I know what you can do to make her feel better" she sounded genuine but Eddie still didn't want the feeling of other girls body on him

"okay how about you tell me while you get off of me?" He asked, giving up on moving her for a slight second to hear what she had to say. Letting her absorb his words.

But she didn't say anything. She smashed her lips onto his. His brain was slowly realizing what was going on. The hands that she had laced were stuck. He was trying to pull his body away but he couldn't move anywhere

"Eddie?"

~~

She sat at home all night. Crying on the couch after he slammed the door. She hated what she was doing to them. She was ruining their marriage day after day. But she didn't feel good enough. She couldn't give him a baby, and that's all he talked about.

Finally ready to just apologize and talk things out, she headed to his gig. She knows he doesn't want her there but as a wife, she had the right.

She smiled to Gareth as she walked to the dressing room. Lance, their manager, noticed her right away and let her through the hallway. She smiled gratefully and walked into the room.

Her husband was there, but so was a girl in a tiny dress sitting on his lap, kissing him.

"Eddie?" She gasped out in disbelief. She knew she wasn't being a good wife lately, but he'd really throw it all away?

Her eyes burned as the girl pulled away and looked behind her. Eddie's eyes finding hers once the girl moved.

"hold not. This is so not" he stuttered out fast. Throwing the girl off of his lap as she landed on the couch next to him.

Y/N felt her eyes roll, turning back around and leaving the damn bar

"BABY WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN THAT!"

But she just kept walking. Never in their relationship did she think he'd ever cheat on her. But apparently she didn't know him well.

She made it out of the bar. Gasping for fresh air.

Eddie was right behind her, arm snatching her hand and yanking her into him.

"listen you need to listen" he pleaded. He knew if he didn't explain soon enough, more damage would take place

"no Eddie I don't!" She spat back, throwing his hands off of her

"is that why you didn't want me to come tonight? So you can go screw a groupie? How many girls were there?"

Eddie shook his head at each question

"no that is not why I asked you not to come. I should have never asked that! I want you here. And fuck no, there has been no one but you. You are my wife, I wouldn't screw that up! I don't want anyone else. She came on to me. I've spent the past hour trying to get her off of my lap. I would never do that to you. I love you"

He watched as silent tears were running down her face.

"why?" She asked, throwing her hands in the air with frustration

"why what?" He spoke softly, seeing she was seconds away from crying harder. One hand held her jaw and the other one rubbed her back softly

"why do you love me? I mean God Eddie, you married me expecting a family and I can't even give that to you! If I were you I think I'd cheat on me too" she sobbed

Eddie felt his heart shattering

"baby no. Just no" he shook his head, holding her face tighter in his hands moving his forehead against her

"when I married you, I married you because I am in love with you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted us to share a name, a house and our hearts. Listen to me, I don't need a baby to make me want to stay with you. Nothing would MAKE me, I want to stay with you and that's not ever going to change. I should have been more understanding of the stress you are putting your body in. And I would never cheat on you. There is no one in this whole world that would ever compare to you. You are it for me, okay?"

He smiled and pecked her wet lips. Pulling back slowly as she nodded and sniffled.

"I love you too" she spoke just as soft. Kissing him again.

She pulled away with a small gag, "we need to wash your mouth. Taste like pure alcohol"

Eddie laughed, "yeah that girl was pretty wasted"

He smiled as he threw his arm on her shoulder, walking to the car.

He didn't need a baby to be a family.

Just having her, was the only family he needed.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @slightlyvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid

[gyumibear]

⌞BLUE SPRING⌝ — 03: Bruised Fruit

SYNOPSIS — In which you, an upcoming idol, are saved from a dangerous encounter by Song Mingi, a jaded, third-year delinquent who falls for you in more ways than one. However, both of your responsibilities constantly tear you apart. Years later, you reunite. Are the sparks still there or was your love only meant for that one spring?

WARNINGS — Heavy swearing, Descriptions of Injuries, Mingi insults YN (not maliciously)

WC — 1.6k

Mingi couldn't believe his eyes... Well, eye. Given that Hongjoong had blackened the left one and left him looking like some kind of fucked up pirate. Regardless, Mingi couldn't believe what he was seeing. The same obnoxious, if he could even really call her that, pretty girl from the store was approaching him. She walked with caution and even though she had a hood on, he could tell from her demeanor alone she was apprehensive. He didn't move to stand up from the curb where he rested. He didn't even acknowledge when she sat down next to him. Is she crazy? He thought.

"I'm not crazy if that's what you're thinking." So she's a witch. "I noticed you sitting over here and you're injured. I'm deathly afraid that my life is a hidden camera show and I need you to tell me now if I can bandage your wounds or if you're going to tell me I just walked the prank." So she is crazy. "Please just tell me. My roommate is gonna start wondering where I am, but I don't want to leave someone if they need help. So, uh, chop chop."

Mingi turned his head to actively give you a blank stare. Who walks up to someone and starts talking like that? Especially at damn near two in the morning? He gave you another once over, noticing your obvious differences. Ah, a foreigner. Mingi chalked it up to be just what they do overseas. He decided to humor you. "I'm injured alright."

You let out a sigh, grateful that he didn't continue to stare at you like you'd grown another head. "Mind if I bandage you up? I have stuff on me..." When Mingi gave you a raised eyebrow, you continued to speak, "I'm a bit clumsy and I hate seeing other people in pain. That explains why I have the kit and why I'm bothering you. So?"

"Knock yourself out." Mingi gave you a curt response, closing his good eye.

With that, you immediately got to work, pulling out your first aid kit. "You look like you'll be fine, but I'm warning you that I'm about to disinfect your wounds."

"Didn't I tell you to knock yourself out? And besides, I'm already bruised fruit."

You scoffed, dabbing the antiseptic-covered cotton ball onto the cut on his nose. "Bruised fruit... Who are you Osamu Dazai...?" You murmured. Who the fuck is Osamu Dazai? Mingi thought before letting out a soft hiss at the antiseptic's contact, with you raising your eyebrow this time. "All good there?" He rolled his eyes and you continued, working away diligently and pressing bandages to the cuts you found.

When you got back to his face, only his nose cut was left. Unfortunately, all your plain bandages were gone, leaving only your cutely patterned ones that were a gift from NingNing for your birthday. You reached into the box to retrieve one when Mingi's gloved hand grabbed your wrist, halting your movements. Your eyes led you to Mingi's face, his eye trained on the bandages.

"You're not putting those on my face."

"Yeah, I am."

"No, you aren't."

"And why not?" You shook his hand off your wrist. "You were fine before."

"I already got beat up once this week. I don't want to get fucking laughed at too." While Mingi had wanted it to come out in a threatening tone, his voice revealed a hint of sadness at the end of his sentence. Good, now she probably thinks he's a fucking loser. If she didn't already. Surprising to him though, you didn't laugh or say you thought he was a loser.

Instead, you looked up at him earnestly and said "I'm sorry."

Mingi was taken aback. He had not expected you to say that. "What- Why are you sorry? You didn't have anything to do with this."

You then started to look a little guilty, which for some reason made Mingi feel like cheap dirt. You played with your hands absentmindedly while you formed the right words. Just when the silence had gotten stale you kept talking. "I mean, I kind of saw the beginning of what happened a few days ago. When those dudes were messing with you... I didn't see everything cause I had to get back to my dorm, but I noticed how...distraught... you looked. I'm sorry I didn't step in or anything."

Mingi gave you a blank stare once more, the gears turning in his head. You'd seen what happened? How scary Hongjoong had looked? And you thought you should've stepped in? Mingi didn't know whether to think you were super brave or super dumb. But, a small part of his cold demeanor was cracked knowing you cared that much. Wait, what am I saying? I barely know this girl. "Don't apologize. I had it handled."

Now was your turn to give him a blank stare. "Doesn't really look like you did..."

"Hey!" Mingi huffed, almost annoyed. "I did. I'm still alive, aren't I?"

"No offense, but my first thought when seeing you today was 'Did that guy get ran over by a bus' so..."

"Fuck you." Mingi rolled his eye, turning away from you. Now he was annoyed. He didn't know what to make of you. You seemed genuinely caring, but then again you also seemed like a genuine little shit. He had half a mind to just walk off, actually he was going to until you let out a soft chuckle.

"Sorry!" You snickered out, his eye back on your face. "You said that so quickly."

Mingi watched you struggle to hold your laughter with a deadpan expression. You were almost turning colors trying to maintain your composure that he was even a little worried about you. Then, you started coughing uncontrollably, and then you started choking. She's going to fucking die. He grumbled to himself before using his hand to lightly tap you on the back. When you seemed to have settled down, Mingi let out an exasperated, "Are you done?"

"Yeah..." You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly. If you hadn't just almost gone on to glory he probably would've thought your actions were cute. But nope, Mingi was rendered to a state of second-hand embarrassment for you. "Um... Please pretend that didn't happen."

"No way in hell."

"Wha- Fuck you!"

"Now you're getting it," Mingi gave you a cocky smile. "Okay. Pack up all your stuff."

"Wait why?" You asked, but started putting away any unused medical supplies. "I still haven't bandaged your nose. Or your hands for that matter. Take your gloves off."

Mingi ignored your words, taking the bandaid scraps and throwing them into a nearby garbage can. He was not taking his gloves off. Fuck that. "It's late. I want to get home and I'm not leaving you out here alone, so let's go."

"Ah." You checked your phone, confirming he was right. Mingi sniffed as he waited for you to stand up. "My bus comes in a few minutes."

"Let's go then."

⚘

Mingi couldn't believe how stupid you were.

"I could've sworn it said ten minutes!"

"I could've sworn," Mingi mocked your voice, "Dumbass. That says ten hours."

You didn't even try to argue back, knowing that he was correct in calling you dumb. Your bus tracker did say the next time a bus could get you back to your dorm was 10 hours. Keeho was going to kill you... If Gahyeon didn't... Or if you didn't get FIRED.

You collapsed to your knees dramatically, surprising Mingi. He looked down at you in half-confusion, half-worry. "Are you... good?"

"I'm going to get fired." You hung your head, sighing slowly. "We all worked so hard and I've just ruined it. Everyone's going to be disappointed and I- Shit."

"Okay, relax." Mingi felt awkward, given he didn't know what you were talking about and other people's emotions made him feel weird. "We'll get you back, alright?"

"How?" You sniffed. "You don't have a car, do you?"

"No, but we both have two working legs. Get up." Mingi reached down, grabbing the back of your hoodie to pull you up to your feet. "I'll walk you back."

"Who just grabs someone like that?!" You huffed, dusting yourself off.

"Stop complaining." He started walking but stopped when he realized he didn't know where he was going. "Hey. Where do you live anyway?"

"At the HYBE dorms..."

"You're an idol?" Mingi struggled to hold back a laugh. "Wow."

"Is it really that surprising?" You rolled your eyes as he kept snickering.

"Nah, but I would've thought party clown."

"Fuck you!!" You started speedwalking in the general direction of your dorms, Mingi cutting off his laughter to catch up to you.

⚘

Mingi stood with his arms crossed, watching you hurriedly text 'your friend' to let you into the dorm. You both had been standing out there for a solid twenty minutes, probably waiting for said friend to wake up. It was damn near three forty in the morning, after all.

"She texted back!" You announced, whispering the words out. "She's on the way down."

Mingi just nodded back, not really having a response. To be honest, he was really just thinking about getting in the bed. His phone buzzed, reminding him he even had a phone in the first place. Reading the texts, his face paled significantly. When you finally turned around, you were shocked to see that he wasn't there anymore.

"Wha-" You looked around, trying to see where he'd gone. Nothing.

"YN!" Chaeryeong opened the door, whispering out your name. "Come on!"

You took one more worried glance over your shoulder before running inside. Where did he go?

← TO PREVIOUS | MASTERLIST | TO NEXT →

NOTE — Saurry for the disappearance! Uni is not for the weak. 😭 Fun Fact: Mingi loves to tease people, especially if he likes them. Take that as you will... ;)

BLUE SPRING TAGLIST: OPEN! send a reply or ask to be added! if striked, you could not be tagged! — @ad0rechuu @run2seob @xynokia @hearttakesworld @scarfac3 @gvnwks @asherthehimbo @atinytinaa @urlacuna @saintriots @miriamxsworld @yungiprincess @ddextrr @rxnexxi @yyxy27 @mingis-mizu @lolos-hoes

© GYUMIBEAR. do not repost, modify, or translate my work onto other social media sites.

[lifesteal-headcanons]

I'm gonna put the glitch in glitch duo right now and rant about them and how their glitches work because I am so normal about them (lie)

Okay, so I barely got into Lifesteal like. Late last year because of Squiddo joining and I lowkey got really hyped for it and seeing Ash and Squiddo together I was like.. Woah.. New fav duo alert.. And then found that there was no fancontent and had to make it myself so.

Anywho! Ashswag, as we already know, has that lil.. Thing over his left eye (?) That a lot of us (me) has interpreted as like. Glitching. So to start us off, I believe that glitching can stem from messing with your own player code/others player code/server codes/using mods with like. Virus' or something idk im not that smart. And from the Ashswag videos I've watched we can kind of tell where Ash fits in there by like. Fucking with how servers work and therefore fucking up his own code.

Squiddo's code is glitched because.. Have you watched Squiddo's videos? Naw but fr, she's constantly putting the most cancer inducing mods on her game, playing mods that can definitely fry their pc, playing minecraft on a USB DRIVE?? Which would DELETE chunks to MAKE MORE OF ITSELF so like. You can see where I'm going with this. So obviously, their code gets fucked up and the more they do these mods and plug ins and - whatever the hell, the more their code because intangible and unable to be fixed.

So, with that, I'm gonna go ahead and explain how I think their glitching works and how it affects their body/like.. Everything else.

Ashswag's glitches, as we can see, are more visible to the eye. Literally over his damn eye. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that gives him some partial blindness in his left eye. Also, from some fics that ive read ive seen people give him like, back problems and chronic pain that he probably had before but the glitches DEFINITELY don't help at all and instead make the pain way worse than it already is so. Yay!

While Ash's are more physical, I feel like Squiddo's are more like. Mental? If you catch my drift? While Ash is stumbling down into a heap of pain on the floor because his back is killing him, Squiddo is standing in the hallway staring at him wondering why the guy from the one house smp is crumbling on the floor in front of them on a server they swore they were not on a few weeks ago.

So yeah. Memory loss Squiddo. Also inspired from a fic that I do know! I'll link the fics I got inspired from at the end because they are genuinely such good reads and great ideas.

But I decided that memory loss best fit Squiddo, because tbh they are pretty forgetful. And I take their goofy hijinks and shenanigans as just. Squiddo having to recollection of anything and just trying to do something (which she's probably done before) to job their memory but oh well. I feel as if the memory loss is more of a living in the farlands thing rather than glitched out fucked-up code inducing thing, but whatever. The only time we see glitched out Squiddo is on thumbnails! So I feel like whenever Squiddo joins a server or world that's previously glitched or like. They're already pretty glitched, it really takes its toll and fucks up the whole thing and makes it a memory loss disaster for Squiddo.

And because of Squiddo's horrible memory, they can never recollect and find out what the hell happened to the world to make it this glitched out when in reality she's the reason the world is so glitched.

Except when joining servers! Surprisingly, they don't experience those things when joining servers while when joining worlds the world would become discombobulated and delete itself just after a few hours. Funsies! Which they realize when they join the one house smp just to explore it and then they find ASHSWAG!! And then realizes that HE'S GLITCHED TOO!! YAYY!!! And then they absolutely BOMBARDDDD him with questioned like "why do my worlds always delete themselves?", "what causes someone to have a glitched code?" And "how are servers able to not glitch out?" Etc etc which Ashswag answers and then BOOM! FRIENDSHIP!!!

Basically the only reason servers are able to work for them is because theres like.. This other thing cody whatever that prevents it to idk im not smart. This is not compliant with my past fics written about this stuff but oh wellsies.

Another thing I have made up is 'glitch fever' where basically they just get sick because of their fucked up code and glitches. Yeah. Also based off a fic I read where being around Ashswag too much can make you sick and stuff. I feel like their are certain people who are immune to it like Reddoons (purely because of Swagdoons and nothing else) and Squiddo (because they also glitch tf out and Swagsquid/silly).

Another thing I've like. Headcanoned (because this is all just me reading too much into things and making too many headcanons about) is that their glitches also like.. Made their body tempature irregular. This is so random but it was just something I thought of and then I wrote a fic about it. Like, Ash is constantly fucking cold and on a hot ass texas summer day he'll feel a little warm. Same for Squiddo just vice versa. I love them. The sillies. I want to put them in a terrarium and study them.

That's.. All I have I'm pretty sure. Hello I am Swagsquid the #1 Glitch Duo Writer/Enthusiast and the #1 Swagsquid Shipper (the ONLY Swagsquid shipper..) and thank you for listening to my ted talk.

Fics I took inspiration from:

"Dear Diary: Today, I killed someone" by Fey_wilde on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/52170592)

"I Feel Too Weak to Stand" by Eternal_Era on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/48067240)

"fault lines" by garlic_sauc3 on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/41924196)

Fics I've written based on this idea:

"Glitch fever" by (ME!!) Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/53400835)

"The warmth of another's embrace" by Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/53449573/chapters/135284551)

"Forgotten hot chocolate" by Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/54350146)

(Please read the tags and ratings before reading some of the fics!)

.

[notmyprey]

Pt 2 of this

I sit there crying for a while. I can feel Clair shaking inside my stomach. She's probably crying, too, but I can't hear her over my own sobs.

Soon, my tears devolve into sniffles, and I hear her muffled sniffling as well. I instincts rub my hand against the sheets on my bed, trying to find a way to calm myself down.

Soon, my heart settles, and I take a moment to try to understand what is happening. Clair is, somehow, inside my stomach, that I know for certain. I also know that she is smaller than me, decently smaller, but even then, she isn't small enough for me to swallow. It, by all means, does not make sense.

As I think about the situation at hand, another thought crosses my mind. Is this a dream? It can't be. Everything feels too real. But, even knowing that, I still find myself using a technique I read that helps differentiate dreams from reality.

I look at a poster, read the words, look away, and then look back to see if they change. Of course, they didn't change.

I sigh, I just can't wrap my head around anything right now. My brain feels foggy, probably from all the crying I was doing.

I hear and feel a small gurgle come from my stomach, forcing me to look down.

It is so strange. Little parts of my stomach jut out in weird ways, each bump seeming to move constantly. But the weirdest part is that Clair is right there. Right under my skin. If I just reach out with my hand, I will be able to feel her, not only inside me but also with my hand.

Without thinking, and without the panic and guilt I was feeling earlier, I put my hand on top of where Clairs head was under my skin.

My touch makes her squirm a bit, almost as if she is trying to move away from me. It is a sensation that I never thought I would feel. What was sickening only moments ago now feels like butterflies, not unlike the feeling you feel when near someone you care for, and with each touch, one flutters.

She shifts again, and I can help but smile. I now find that I am starting to feel better, almost happy, about the situation at hand. Yes, it feels strange still. But it's starting to be in less of a bad way. I am perfectly full, making me tired. The only person that I truly care for is here, right under my skin. Maybe I can let myself be happy about this. It's peaceful, and I couldn't be more grateful to have Clair so close.

That is until I hear her start to cry again, and I quickly discard any ounce of joy I have been getting from this. My heart breaks all over again, this time, though, from the fact I had decided to disregard her feelings so quickly. How could I be so mean? She obviously isn't enjoying this, and I shouldn't either.

I remove my hand, "I'm sorry." I wisper, a new guilt festering.

"Can you try again, p-please?" Clair said through tears.

I don't waste any time and quickly begin heaving, trying to force her into my throat. Again, nothing happens except for Clair being smashed even more than she is already.

I can't think of what to say. She doesn't want to be here. I can't just tell her that I can't get her out, I can't disappoint her like that. But I also can't just lie, get her hopes up, and break her all over again.

"Clair?" I bring my hand up, wanting to hold her even closer, but decide against it, and place my hand back down.

I hear another sniffle and a quick shove, followed by Clair moving around. Quickly though, she stops and asks in a defeated tone, "You can't get me out still, can you?"

"Im sorry. I-I promise I didn't mean to do this. I dont even know how you ended up..." I pause, staring down at my stomach, "in here..." I trail off, ashamed.

Clair stiffens, her only movement being her breathing. "You dont remember what you did? You dont remember going bat shit and scarfing me down?" She spat, her voice low and icy.

"No, I-I dont..."

"The fuck you dont." I feel a sharp pain, any it quickly registers that Clair had kicked me. "I dont- I dont understand why. I just- I'm supposed to be your friend, and I thought... I thought..." Slowly, her anger turns into sadness once more.

"Clair," I say, my voice breaking, "please. You have to believe me. I don't remember-"

I feel another sharp kick, this one aimed at my lungs, knocking the wind out of me. "I dont need to believe you." She asserts, hurt seeping into her voice.

"Clair, I can't get you out. Please, I promise I tried. I don't want you to be here. I didn't want this..." My tears drip down on top of my stomach with a gentle splatt, then drip downward.

"I just want out. I hate it... Please... Please.."

[g0thsoojin]

idk i just feel more done with people than ever. im just so tired of people. like omfg im so sick and tired of them. society and people made me and outcast and now i have to face further abuse simply because i complain about it... from when i was a child i have never been the first choice or important to family or relatives or anyone around me. i was bullied in kindergarten, in middle school, in junior high and in high school i was only cast out and ignored. i've asked teachers, health care professionals and friends for help, but no one has ever found me worthy of help. i've applied for jobs but always been rejected. everyone in my life has rejected and discarded and dismissed me. so society has made me an outcast and a reject, no one wants to be compassionate to me, no one wants to be my (real and not a bully in disguise) friend. because of how everyone treated me as a child i developed accordingly. society and people around you shape you. i am not weak for having been shaped by circumstances out of my hands. society has done this to me. but now when im sad and lonely and miserable and depressed and struggle with both mental and physical illnesses and im in pain and just talk about it.... people have pushed me to the outside... and now they blame me. they further dismiss and judge and berate me. everything's my fault. being abused is my fault. being scared is my fault. people being mean to me is my fault. i should be happy and positive even if society is actively ruining my life!!!! i am just so fucking sick and tired of everyone's shit. all i've ever wanted is one person who gives a fuck about me. who shows me i can trust them, who stays, who thinks im worth the patience it takes for me to come out of my shell after all the abuse and hurt i've faced, someone who will just show me kindness and compassion and understanding, someone who shows me they care and keep caring even when im not perfect or im struggling or im sad. i would give them all of me. i would give them everything i have in return for their care and love. that's all i've ever wanted. companionship and love in this cold cruel awful horrible world. maybe i wouldnt be so fucking miserable and bitter if i just hade one person. im so fucking sick of everyone constantly putting me down and stomping and kicking me when im already down. if you're not gonna give a fuck about a person writhing in pain all alone on the floor, then just move on. hurting them further only makes u a bad person, but most ppl are shitty as fuck so that doesnt surprise me. but god im so sick of people. i would not be this sad and lonely if someone just one person gave a fuck about me and let me exist beside them without having to mask and pretend to be normal just to deserve some compassion. im so exhausted.

[arsenicflame]

i think, ultimately, the problem is that i dont want to get better.

its more nuanced than that, obviously. i would love to be better. i would love to exist and grow without pain and suffering and just. i want to be better.

but better for me doesnt ever look like that. the best hand ill get is a life of constantly fighting to feel stable, to be anything resembling ok. ill never be over this and ill never have to stop fighting and its. so fucking hard.

i try to see hope in the every day. i love my friends with everything ive got, i do the things that make me happy, i make my own joy where i can but. its never enough. its never going to be enough. none of these things are ever going to outweigh the burden of everything else. i get so fucking drained trying to live a normal life, i cant even do half the things a person is expected to do to exist. i dont think i ever will.

i think. i dont think the person i would be if i was better is someone i truly want to be, either. i dont think im fun to be around or a particularly good friend or anything. i find myself abrasive and too intense and in general, not someone people truly enjoy, and it would only be worse if i wasnt weighed down by my own issues. i dont think the person i am or would be is someone worth fighting for. and i know, i know i would never think these things about anyone else but. here we are. here i am. acknowledging it takes work to find stability and i dont want to, dont have the energy to, the motivation to put that work in for myself.

i wish i did. i really wish i did but i cant change the fact that i dont. the future is a black hole of nothingness and misery for me and no amount of small hopes change that.

the future is the night sky and yes, theres sparks of light in there, but theres so, so much darkness to get through to find them.

and im already so tired.

im gonna log off now for a bit i think, if youve got me somewhere else ill probably still be reachable there (or as reachable as i ever am, i guess) but i think im gonna take some space to think things over.

i appreciate everything anyone has ever done for me but you cant help me if i cant help myself, and i dont expect you to.

i want the world for you, i want you to keep fighting and find hope and have happy and fulfilling lives surrounded by love. i hope you can have that. working on getting better is so hard, but i hope the world is kind to you, i hope your effort is worth it. i hope you keep being someones star, because i know you were mine. i love you.

[xt0t4llys4n300x]

tw// vent

mentions of abuse, addiction

i usually am always reminded of my old situation throughout the day somehow. the way someone talks to me, the way a room feels, the smell of smoke just really anything gets me thinking about my old home

we went past one of my old houses yesterday, the one that I used to live in with my mom and a couple of her boyfriends. i asked to go because I wanted to see the house and we were in the area. i immediately regretted it. i got hit with terrible memories and I started having flashbacks in the car, and even though I knew I was safe I was so scared that my parents were gonna show up out of no where. just looking at the exterior of the house brought me so much pain

it hurts remembering, but it hurts not having my biological parents. i miss them even though it was hell living with them. i feel sorry for them, but I resent them. the amount of times they blamed their actions on not being sober was terrible. you shouldn't be telling your kids anything like that, you shouldn't be hurting your kids just because you arent in the right mind, you shouldn't take your anger out on your kids that's targeted at yourself. DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOU ARENT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM!!!!!!

if they really wanted to get better like they continuously told us, they would have gone to rehab. my mother went once, and the minute she got back home she got back into her old habits. my dad never cared to go.

nothing excuses the pain that they caused me and my siblings, nothing excuses the years of feeling alienated from the other kids. nothing excuses the neglect and lack of love that was shown. nothing excuses the years in foster care where I felt so unloved.

nothing excuses the fact that they were abusing us, but I cant help but wish to see them sometimes. what would they say to me? would they feel sorry? would they cry? would they apologize? are they still doing drugs?

sometimes I wish I never left. maybe my mother would have grown to love us. maybe I wouldnt be stuck in this house. maybe I wouldnt be so mentally fucked. maybe I would have grown to stand up for myself. maybe everything would have stopped. maybe I would have run away by now.

i should be grateful I'm away from my parents. maybe I'm being selfish.

I'm a lot to put up with and I know that. but constantly being reminded of my old situation makes me feel like nothings really changed. the anxiety and longing that I always feel is weighing me down so much, and my guardians don't make much of an effort to help.

"you're going to end up like your mother" "you're acting like your mom" "all these medications are leading you down the wrong path" "you're going to get addicted. it runs in the family"

please stop saying that

please dont say that

I know addiction runs in our family

and it scares me!!! i want to get better i want to take my medication but I'm scared I'm going to get addicted to stronger things!

I've already had a problem with things like this, and I'm not even that old

everything is so wrong all of the time i dont know what to do

I'm nothing like my mom and ill never be like her

ill never fucking be like her

ill never turn into anything like that

I'm so scared

[hyperfixationtimego]

idk if you're still answering asks but you're the top blog in the shinguuji tag. ship opinions? What are your favorites?

:0 AYO???? that’s wild dude fuck yeah

and euehuehuehuehueheu oh buddy. i’m literally the most annoying person in the world when it comes to ships, thank you for asking ❤️

Ships I Like:

• Shinouma (Kokichi x Korekiyo) - holds these guys up to you and swings them around like pathetic little ferrets. the idea of them together is so funny and sweet to me. like - the struggle for dominance between them would be SO real…… Kokichi constantly bugs him ‘cause he wants Kiyo’s attention…….Kiyo tells him stories, and Kokichi pretends not to be interested, but really he’s sitting there listening to every word like 👁️👁️…… Ugh okay just THINK of all the possibilities for smarmy little quips and back-and-forth dialogue between them!!!!! they’d be INSUFFERABLE AND I ADORE THEM IMMENSELY!!!!

• Momoguji (Kaito x Korekiyo) - 👉👈 what if I put my two favorite v3 characters into a ship and then never shut up about it forever and ever and ever??? no listen to me they’re so good. Kaito initially overlooks him because he’s more drawn to classmates like Kaede, Shuichi, & Maki, but once he gets to know him a little more…….GOD. Kiyo saying one (1) thing that makes the alarm bells in Kaito’s head go off and the astronaut is straight up just “WELP. TIME TO ADOPT ANOTHER EMO.” and then he does <3 Kaito wanting to save him……Kiyo not realizing he needs to be saved, but secretly wanting it anyway…….oh they make me absolutely INSANE. and also just - the idea of Kiyo wanting to take away Kaito’s pain, too. Kaito is so selfless and loves people with his whole heart, and Kiyo just wishes he could be half as kind as Kaito is………plus there’s the idea of kiyo already being accustomed to loving (or, well, “loving”) someone with terminal illness which can make for some VERY good angst potential and trauma re-triggering ehehehe

• Kiyoumota (Kokichi x Korekiyo x Kaito) - LISTEN TO MEEEE they’re great on their own but TOGETHER????? oh I am SO WEAK!!!!!! the love the love the love - the complication of it all, the everpresent conflict and comfort from both sides, a constant quarreling from a place of softness and adoration and vulnerability!!!!! it is a PERFECT BALANCE, I tell you!!! Korekiyo mediates arguments between Kokichi and Kaito so that they don’t accidentally go too far (insert auspistice joke here I guess. ….sorry), Kaito uplifts Kokichi’s & Kiyo’s spirits by making them both see how wanted they are and how much he loves them, how strong they both really are……and Kokichi is the grounding force, the one that keeps the bad thoughts from spiraling and going too far, the one who will distract, who doesn’t mind making his lovers upset with him so long as it means he can take away the pain and numb it for a little while. oh anon, when I tell you I ABSOLUTELY LOVE them!!!!!!!!!

• Korekuwata (Korekiyo x Leon) - ……I don’t have an excuse this is just me being insufferable sorry. I love these two because I am insane and they’re both my favorite little guys. I can see them sorta trauma bonding and just becoming such important people in the other one’s life because like……opposites attract kinda deal, y’know? like. Leon is so passionate, so fiery - but still sweet, still helpful; would want to make his presence known if there was something he could help resolve. And Kiyo is so thoughtful and can push his own emotions aside to rationalize the possible outcomes of a situation, can calm someone down if he cares for them enough…….listen I just think they’d enjoy each other’s company and everyone around them would just kinda be like “hey what the fuck”

• Korekiyo x Nagito - UM!!!!!! hi I’m insane. they read books together and love it when the other one rambles or infodumps to them <3 they’re both astounded that the other one can have such a negative self-image because all they can see is someone truly beautiful, someone brimming with hope, someone worthy of so much more love than they could ever ever give!!! they are kissing and making out sloppy style and conducting social experiments on their peers thank u for coming to my ted talk

• Korekiyo x Byakuya - these two are just. kissing with tongue I think. like. Korekiyo badgers him with anthropological questions and moral quandaries and Byakuya just. [grabs him by the collar] “stop being so pretty before I bring hell down upon you so help me GOD.” and Kiyo just thinks it’s funny and finds it flattering. like ough listen Kiyo would want to study him soooooo bad. and Byakuya would find him tolerable, because at least he’s well-read and understands the concept of personal space JSVSNDNDN and. just. they both repress themselves so much that I think at some point it just boils over and they end up sticking their tongues down each other’s throats.

• Fujiguji (Chihiro x Korekiyo) - genderweird couple my beloved ❤️

• Ryoma x Korekiyo - something something lonely people something something outcasts of society finding solace with one another (also. korekiyo has cat vibes. tell me I’m wrong I DARE you. Ryoma would get to know his stupid ass and be like “ohhhh I get it now. goddamn it. son of a bitch.” and has to resist the urge to pet him whenever he’s given any sort of height advantage or anything teehee)

• Kazukiyo (Kazuichi x Korekiyo) - I took part in one (1) danganronpa roleplay server and this relationship ended up budding…….i was not normal about it then and I am still not normal about it now <3

Ships I’m Neutral Towards:

• Shinsai (Korekiyo x Shuichi) - eh. just not my thing, I think. plus, I have other ships for both of them that I heavily prefer, which might be a factor in why it’s so ‘meh’ for me.

• Korekiibo (Korekiyo x Kiibo) - I find myself wanting to like this ship more than I actually do tbh?? like. I feel like there’s so much potential here. but tbh I have a bit of a difficult time connecting with Kiibo as a character anyway, so maybe that’s why it’s not a huge pull for me?

• Tanakiyo (Gundham x Korekiyo) - ok. this one’s growing on me I think. the little art that this ship has is absolutely BANGER. I think it’s just difficult for me to picture a scenario in which they’d actually like………interact with one another or develop feelings. then again……..kiyo wanting to study the strange and silly occult dude who speaks in riddles and tells everyone he’s from hell………👀

• Gontaguuji (Gonta x Korekiyo) - I used to be obsessed with these two actually <3 not super sure why I’m not as into it anymore? Guessing my tastes have just changed :p

Ships I Hate/Dislike:

• Kirukiyo (Kirumi x Korekiyo) - conflicts with my personal headcanons for the characters; just not my thing.

• Amaguji (Rantaro x Korekiyo) - hooooo boy I can already tell I’m gonna get a lot of flak for this one. it makes me ridiculously uncomfortable. The only two interactions that come to mind when I think of these two in-game is the one where Rantaro tells Kaede that Kiyo “isn’t that bad” once you get to know him a bit, which is fine, and then also the……….*shudders* UTDP interaction between them. y’know, the one where they talk about their sisters together 💀 I just find it reallllyyyyyy sus and I do not like the idea of rantaro’s relationship with his sisters being compared in any way, shape, or form to the literal incestuous rape and grooming that is Kiyo’s shitshow of a backstory.

• Shinnaga (Angie x Korekiyo) - another cold ass take I know, but. they literally do not even like each other as friends in-game. Kiyo’s smart enough to know what she’s up to, and Angie’s smart enough to be able to recognize that from a mile away - he wants to study her, but she knows it would be dangerous for her credibility, so she refuses to allow him to worship with her for the sake of research. She intentionally closes herself off from him and becomes guarded, wary - it’s not this cutesy, hanging-off-his-arm-and-annoying-him type relationship that fanon seems to have built up out of nowhere for them; they legitimately regard one another as a threat. Also, I’m just not a huge fan of killer/victim ships in the first place?? Like, yeah, I’ve got a few exceptions, but. these two are on the same level as Leosaya and Bandaid for me (which is to say, absolutely despised).

• Genocide Jill x Korekiyo - I mean. Do I really have to spell it out?? These are probably the two characters with the worst writing of the entire franchise, deliberately portraying marginalized groups as serial killers, and yet some people apparently????? ship them together??????? and make them a fucking serial killer tagteam power couple???????? literally fuck OFF I cannot trust ANYONE who can enjoy this ship with the canon characterizations

• Sister x Korekiyo - this isn’t even a ship it’s just incestuous grooming and abuse. like listen - it’s great to write fucked up content and all, but if you’re portraying them as being in a healthy, loving relationship and you don’t want to acknowledge the ugly reality of it then I truly do hate you with every fiber of my being and, once again, cannot trust you at all.

[these-written-reveries]

I'm genuinely avoiding getting out of bed bc that means I have to get going with my day which means I have to make the call to my gyno to schedule an iud insertion which I still don't even want, but I have to bc I have endometriosis -that which I had a surgery for 6 months ago and I've been avoiding making a decision on this iud ever since bc it scares me. Not just because of the obvious side effects/scary things that are rare, but can happen with iuds, but also bc I'm chronically ill and I have GERD, which is a fucking monster to tame on a daily basis, but it can be made worse by birth control (I've already experienced it with the pill and it was hell). Idk if this one is gonna do that or not, but if it does, that means I will either have to take a PPI full-time for my GERD (which I don't wanna do bc I'm young and it's linked to bone density loss when taken for long periods of time) OR I will have to have the iud removed and just pray the endo doesn't grow back very fast and cause me to need another surgery in the next year or 2...which...if I'm being honest, I'm already starting to feel slight pain that I have associated with endo in the past, so that's not really reassuring. This iud is thought to be the best option for treatment bc it's supposed to slow down the growth of endo by thinning the lining of your uterus and preventing you from having periods. It is also basically the only option for treatment besides surgery so...yay me!

I care a lot about my health and I've developed a lot of anxiety surrounding my health as well. I don't like doing anything that risks ruining the balance I've worked so hard (and am constantly working hard) to maintain. At the same time, I know I need to at least give this iud a try, as it is my only option and who knows? Maybe it'll work great for me? That doesn't mean it's not scary as shit though.

Even though it's technically my choice at the end of the day, I feel like I don't truly have a choice at all. If I wanna take the best care of my body, I have to try this. Because, it's all I have, other than trying to go with basic natural treatments which I'm already doing and aren't really backed up by any solid science/tests. So...this is it for me. I have to be brave and try, but I'm so tired of being brave all the time 😫 I just wanna live my life and not have to think so fucking hard about my health 24/7. I don't wanna make decisions anymore lol. Can someone else just like...take the wheel? That would be great.

Anyway, I'm gonna do it. It's already 2pm, so if not today, then definitely tomorrow. I can't put this off any longer.

[existentialcrisisfish]

I have never been able to explain BPD in a way that satisfies me. What I experience becomes trivialized by attempting to put words to it. Words are so direct and they are so obvious, and they aren’t even close to capable of capturing the complexity and the mystery that is BPD. But I can try.

It feels like black and white and nothing in between.

Every thing, every person, every place – they are either good or they are bad. I am either good or I am bad. Constantly changing, never the same. Good girl, bad girl. Good self, bad self. Good friend, bad friend. Good mother, bad mother. I hate you, don’t leave me.

It feels overwhelming.

I don’t feel sadness, but anguish. I don’t feel upset, but hysterical. I don’t feel joy, but ecstasy. I don’t feel anger, but fury. Not love, but infatuation… obsession. It’s exhausting to feel so much. Relationships are endless cycles of love and hate and pain and bad habits that I can’t seem to break no matter how hard I try. Every new face that enters into my life is someone who is capable of abandonment, and it has become so much easier to shut the world out than to invite heartbreak into my home with open arms.

It feels empty.

At the core of my being, I am nothing. I’m an empty shell surrounded by the chaos that is my emotional havoc. Remove my emotions, and I am flat lined. Remove them and I no longer exist. No direction, no sense of self, no core identity. At the peak of an emotional breakdown, I am everything. I am every negative emotion in existence and then some. And I’m so alive with fury, with desolation, with misery, and with so much pain. When it becomes too much for my body and mind to handle, it disappears in such an eerie way that I’m left questioning whether or not what I just experienced was real. I switch back and forth from being too alive that it physically pains me, to being consumed by nothingness. Nothingness is sitting alone on my kitchen floor in the middle of the night wondering whether the chill I feel on my shoulder actually exists or not. Nothingness is staring off into space for an hour wondering when my body will allow me to exist again so that I can move.

It feels confusing.

Like not knowing the answer to a series of questions. Who am I? One question I feel that I should know the answer to, yet… nothing. My favorite color is yellow, because that’s what it was when I was a child. Decisions are impossible – how do you decide anything without a stable sense of identity? I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you what I wanted for dinner tonight, but that’s because I was trying to decide if I’m the type of person who likes Mexican or if I’m the type of person who likes Italian. I wake up each morning with a new definition of who I am, only to be let down by myself each night for not living up to the me that I decided to be that day.

It feels needy.

Endlessly, and hopelessly needy. I need to be appreciated. I need to be validated. I need to be wanted. I need to be loved. But I need these things in a way that is so much more than anyone is capable of giving me. It feels like such a small favor to ask – to be loved by those who are supposed to love me. But no one seems able to meet my expectations. It leaves me pathetically wondering whether or not anyone is capable of caring about me in a way that makes sense to me. And although I already know the answer, I still need to be loved so desperately that I search for it with everything that I have. It’s endless messages and too many phone calls. And it’s the knowledge that my actions are only perpetuating the likelihood of abandonment, but I need love so fucking badly that I have no choice but to continue.

It feels irrational.

Being capable of thinking rationally only makes the irrational behavior so much more miserable. The knowledge that behaving in reaction to emotion is irrational does not make me any less likely to do so. I’m constantly walking towards a cliff, muttering to myself, “Don’t do it, you’ll regret it.” Only to fall off the edge anyway. And every time I fall feels unimaginably more painful than the time before, but I don’t know how to stop.

It feels bright.

When I love, it is the single brightest thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It’s so bright that it burns my eyes in a way that makes me see a life that I could have never imagined on my own. Without my darkness, I am on top of the world. Ecstasy is just as intense an emotion as misery, except that for me, it’s coated with anxiety and fear. I never quite know what to do with happiness, and before I have the chance to really enjoy it, it’s gone.

And it feels like being lost.

Lost in loneliness, lost in the vacillation of my emotions, lost in the insanity of knowing absolutely nothing about myself. My emotions are a language that I cannot speak, and they are winning the war that I am struggling to fight.

- Brider Olen.

[eviltiddyproductions]

Alchemy of Souls, Part 1, Episode 2

Is our man Jang his son and the spell is put by the mage shifting right back or is the king still there I am confusion

The master whooshed away his force field with a wave of his hand like ‘enough of this nonsense’

LMAO that was so smooth and he’s protecting her eyes too! but I feel like that’s going to be found out quite quickly

can no one else see the soul shifting eyes 🤨 they’re under the same moonlight

But also I love them 😭✋

Jang’s enjoying this so much 😭 I love blondie !!!

talking so loudly when everyone’s on guard and anyone can hear you #protagonisttingz

I love her. Threatening to kill someone while also calling yourself cute is something I need to note down for future ✍️

I absolutely adore the comedy in this like it comes out of nowhere and it just hits 😂 like the ground actually started caving in.

‘why is your face down there?’ aggressively yanks her head up ‘it wasn’t intentional’ 😭💀

something about anyone having Jin in their names being drop dead gorgeous like look at Ms Spring!!!

why was she so surprised to see Jang Uk lol

the subtitles going ‘epic percussive music playing’ 😂

I knew it was that man standing beside her!!! (Ofc they did a fake out) but also wasn’t he around them like constantly. I think he was there near that weird cave where they kept her body too like I’ve seen him in the last episode!

ohhh they were engaged? spring queen and our winter boy? they look gorgeous 😭

blondie is truly my favourite person on this show rn. my city might be sweltering but go off summer!

I assumed she’d be with our wind guy? I forgot what his powers were I’m assuming he’s wind or autumn but I love that she was with Uk 😂 and they’re beefing

be careful when you kiss someone. he’s so real. and I guess that answers my why didn’t anyone else see that mark in her eyes in the same moonlight. they need to be at a kissing distance 💋 (I adore Uk)

look at them (or mostly him for now) helping each other.

oh he’s so real for breaking that dog but his ex is going to get his ass.

does no one else find his actions even remotely suspicious though 😭

now how did that master just slip off the stairs lmao but also I love it 😂

blondie giving us context and humour and giving our lil shape shifter adorable boops on the head. oh how i adore him

extreme cold and extreme heat can kill him (insert meme: bitch me too, the fuck) but also lmao @ him being the winter representative here

bae I know you’re saying you’re leaving but that’s the fastest way of ensuring you’ll be around him in the next 5 minutes

lmao he’s talking in pout, all in pain and adorable and our girl is scarfing a chicken leg and asking for fireworks. #thatsmyotpnow

my girl said I’d sell your amulet for a piece of chicken!

now we’ve got another person eyeing that amulet 😭 sneaky people are kind of the worst

they did a face reveal for her teacher as if we’d know who that is

everybody looks so serious and i can’t follow a single thing like who is this king? why is her master here? who is that gorgeous lady? why does the authoritative guy look like he’s wearing a suit?

the old man is the biggest Songrim stan lol, love that for him

one thing about period dramas (the way I’ve only seen 2 💀) the king is always a little helpless in situation like why does the buzz cut guy already have an upper hand. well not buzzcut but a cut I guess

oh even she doesn’t know how he looks

love when the audience has additional intel but also hate it because now we see people being dumb or walking into traps.

is he actually just going to give him that sword so casually

LMAOOO he did. along with a menacing not yet ??? hmmm 🤨🤨🤨

whoever this lady is that stole the amulet from naksu is so beautiful but I think she’s walking to her death 😭

I think the other lady saved her from getting her eyes detected by pulling her away

well at least she knows

well she’s not getting that body back

IS SHE DOING THE MATH IS SHE ABOUT TO RECOGNISE THE DEVIOUS TEACHER?

oh she put that together so fast #thatsmygirl but also that ensures she won’t fall in any traps #real

how was she the only one left. my lil baby 😭💔💔💔

WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS IN THE OPEN BALCONY where anyone can see them?! like what if someone’s watching !?! 😭

I knew she’d get zapped

ahh both of their hopes are breaking ( I recently saw a tv show with veteran actors and maybe they can learn subtlety from this show because see how they didn’t overdo it and I got exactly what they wanted to say!!! Catch this stray aditi rao hyadri)

Uk ‘then go for’ subtitles: melancholy music playing

the way this is the same Netflix that also doesn’t translate other languages in tv shows sometimes and here we get music subtitles. 😂

harmonious music playing. I’m a hoe for flute !!!

I feel like he’s going to save her but also she isn’t dying just because he told her to because of his frustration 💀 she really wanted to die as a warrior. let’s see where this goes though. I actually didn’t think she’d do it. Naksu fight back !!!

OKAY SWORD !!! go off

the way she was casually settling in the water and the sword was like show time bitches 🗡️

I thought it was a lake??? this place is giving sea, river and tributary at the same time

I love him being funny as hell as soon as she wakes up. Oh wow and being crafty! he got someone to hide her soul shifting eye marks!?

pensive music playing

I did not see that coming. I thought when she mentioned herbs she was going to make him unconscious not poison him ☠️

oh he’s red red

this poor man has to go through all of this to unlock his energy that his dad blocked and that’s on daddy issues 😔 honestly not daddy issues, like daddy created this issue. why did that man make it his mission to do this to his son

don’t reveal yourself sister !!!

they loved him enough to open it

how connected does he feel to her already like he’s been going around trying to save her a little too emotionally #real

why did they just leave her alone chilling on the ropes like that ??? they do not care about security here. 😭

Alchemy of Souls, Part 1 Episode 3

just threw him in the air like that. these people are so 💀

but also is that his baby or the king’s like I’m so confused rn

A demon baby 🤨

The songrim guy looked cute as hell in the flashback but am I just supposed to ignore that he did this to Uk

I knew he’d take responsibility for her actions but like how are we going to go unscathed from this? surely someone’s going to keep an eye out for selener 👁️

oh I guess they’re just dropping this matter with a yell for now

lmao the way his caretaker’s mouth literally dropped open when he said mu deok goes with him too

why did I realise I was recapping episode 3 already. how did I not notice clicking next 😭😭😭

the way the take they did with her rn, most of her injuries were gone 💀

songrim, turns dramatically, ‘I can’t even look at them rn’ sir you yeeted a baby!!! this baby !!!

The ribbon on Uk’s hair is adorable

Autocorrect stop showing me the Union Jack everytime I write uk challenge

he says get up, she gets up #real

uh oh the eyes

the caretaker having to carry her on her back LMAOOO and him piggybacking on his friend 😭

the old man having lost ten years of his life and energy because of mu deok and uk’s shenanigans 😭 cutie

Him asking Songrim to get him some wine oh i stan him !!! Songrim’s so dramatic like yes he wants some wine, he’s tired and cold, stop the side eye!

‘why would there be wine in my office’ ‘oh it’s right there, you drink it when you get lonely’ LMAO get him

does anyone have a gif of Songrim screaming I DO NOT GET LONELY!!!

did he like Do Hwa too?! is this why he’s soft on Uk? 😭 besties stop liking the same woman challenge

LMAO the old man literally pushed him away and took the jar of wine 😂

uncle and nephew got a wine chugging problem. also I’d assumed Songrim was our autumn boy’s uncle. got that wrong. at least he’s trying to piece her story together

run dangu run!!

classic is she breathing let me put my ears to her nose scene !!! (my never letting Mr queen references go ass is LIVING) 😭💔

songrim well is kinda laid back on punishments

awww a little callback moment. she did the same to him and now he’s also whispering next to her face how she’s the only one who risked something for him

they’re so adorable every 3 seconds my dumbass wants to yell KISS!

pupil master, servant master (weird power imbalance romance angle but we move !!!)

a contract that says they’ll separate. we know how that goes ;)) im being so cocky for someone whose going to sob if they actually walk in different directions

lmao him pouting I will respect your decision to abandon me

the bad guy’s lair door is giving worli painting

I love when bad guys lie to each other. To be fair the mark was not on her shoulder.

so he backstabbed his great mage magician teacher. is that what we’re learning 🤨

the spirit plaque is missing and y’all are not looking for it 😭

I love this because I once read a fanfic where the main character time travels but ends up in the wrong body and they had the same problem where their new body that they were not expecting was kinda terrible 😂

AAH I love their training day 1 so much. But also it’s so public, what if someone saw y’all 😭

proud of the actors for doing all of this on what appears to be rocks because my knees would’ve left this planet

songrim and ms kim dissing each other by pointing out how they’re both in or were in love with uk’s parents enough to stay single for 20 yrs

LMAO he really said when Jang (UK’s father) said he liked acorn jelly she climbed the trees like a squirrel 🐿️😭

kind of feel bad for Songrim, he’s gotta be the bad guy for a reason

I love Ms Kim 💀

I adore the wine loving blush on his cheeks old man master

LMAO I’m kinda loving the flipping of how initially he was playing around with innuendoes and getting her flustered and now he’s flustered. to be fair she is undressing him extremely fast 💀😭

is she gonna steal some extra energy

old man with blush is slay but he’s a little too nonchalant with leaving his energy in Uk

them spying on Yul (autumn 🍁) guy 💀😭 honestly if he’s that good he should probably know they’re spying

lmao I love Uk I thought he’d be offended that she’d touch Yul but he’s offended that he was deemed easy 😭

the earrings on blondie. he’s such a baddie. Does he have the it girl fancams??? he should!

blondie is me I am blondie we’re both amused at these two

lmao his dramatic ass coughing and holding his stomach

lmao he’s still mad at the medicine stealing goats, honestly I’d be too! goats are a little too devious

the locations are so beautiful

not the jugs of wine, nay, GALLONS of wine. master heo, we stan!

oh that beautiful swanky Jin lady was Ms Spring’s mother. should’ve guessed. they’re gorgeous and so is their eyeliner

lmao it even took me a second to realise she dead ass said she wished her sister was alive so she could’ve married anyone she wanted, in front of her MOTHER 😭✋

Ms Spring’s gonna marry Yul isn’t she

girl you’re about to get caught at this rate be serious

dangu (summer) hanging from the shelf about to fall asking if mu deok is okay a #real man!

dangu is such a cutie. look at him making them work together lmao a #shipper

girl please protect your eyes!!! don’t let your guard down

subtitles: whimsical music playing

their ears are so red 😭

LMAO she’s so 😭💀

I love when people declare love with ulterior motives. It just happened in Link too. All my girl wants is to touch Yul’s stomach 😭✋

at least he’s smart and got it. at the same time girl PROTECT YOUR EYES

she got her whistle back

she was so pretty as a child. the actress is a cutie but also she has similar eyes to mu deok!!! it was all fate (me deluding myself with 2 hrs of sleep watching this)

is he going to find out she’s naksu too

he’s a pretty man

hehehe master heo is drunk. he’s so cute being carried like that 😭🫶

LMAO look at uk being the one who gets the breath technique

she’s so cute trying to do this swap but aww that whistle means so much to her and she’s insisting it’s useless to her. my bb 🥺

yeah I’m fully team ukdeok (I’ll have to check the ship name sorry!) But Yul pulling her hand to his stomach with the whistle moved something in me

i guess something moved in uks stomach too

I love she kinda tells the truth casually all the time 😂

at least he remembers the eyes!

he’s adorable

this man is wearing a hanbok (?) but it always looks like a boss man suit. he’s got a cute laugh

ohhh him and Yul are on the same level

poor Uk man, born as chaos and has to go through all of this by no choice of his own

a complete nobody with that much grace? I don’t think so

like they said he should be a complete nobody and he walked in like a baddie

dangu looks so proud 😭

this got so extreme so fast

my man keeps getting beaten and punished I’m so tired. Dangu gets it ! Yul kinda gets him too I guess

okay I know this is really dumb to expect in dramas but this is right after Link and I need adults to just be honest sometimes. he’s 20! let him know about his destiny or whatever his dad warned like let him know!

Especially about his survival

[variousqueerthings]

Heyyy bestie guess who...

I think your point about love interests is so right, there's less of a focus on how they interact because they're just friends in the later seasons, theres no winning over a nurse moment because they don't need to be won. Also I miss ginger :(

I like your idea about the names and faces mixing too, it plays into the idea of time blurring so three years plays out over 11 seasons.

His fear(?) that he's seen and done too much over his time there is also so interesting, he doesn't feel like he deserves love or affection almost. I mean this in an aro or non aro way too, im even thinking that it would be really interesting if Hawkeye realised his views and feelings about romance and romantic love while in Korea and it took a long time for him to realise that it wasnt something that the war did to him, that it was just a natural part of who he always was.

Also heres where i admit that I stopped watching around season 8 i think(?) because, as you said, of the way the show seemed to constantly punish Hawkeye and how the support he'd had from the beginning has been draining away. (with the exception of Margaret, but one person can't hold him together when he's trying to hold everyone else) I do plan on finishing but i just got away from a similar problem and I don't want to watch it happen when I haven't talked it out properly first lol.

Also all of his lighter moments in the later seasons, especially the ones you mentioned, lack the sort of catharsis he really needs. They're all still about what he does for others, i cant speak on it until i watch them of course bit there seems to be much less gestures and acts of kindness for him.

Okay last points! I really feel like its too late to start censoring fuck my dude, that ship has sailed. I plan on saying more about your last response but its such a beast that im leaving it for my train ride tomorrow where I'll hopefully be able to put it together<3

-majoranon

I hope your train ride is good!

I am personally a glutton for pain (yes I'll leave that phrasing as it is), so I don't mind seeing him upset and worn down 😈

but I definitely feel like he's not given so much softness -- and the turning point was around season 8 I think, because I literally documented Moments between him and BJ and Margaret in s7 (+ season 8 was when Radar left and Period of Adjustment happened and Preventative Medicine was near the end of s7....), and I guess it's because he's increasingly Keeper Of Narrative Themes (vs other characters who carry mainly themes related to themselves and their personal journeys), which puts him in a slightly disconnected space -- the Narrator, Mad Max, Puck, (my flatmate was like "Horatio is also depressed and gay and tells the narrative" and they're not wrong) etc.... so even when he's having fun with the others, or having a moment where he's been relinquished for a second from Narrative Themes to be in the ensemble it feels to me watching like he's on a leash (no I won't change that phrasing either) -- he's still in the prison of the story, it's just giving him a bit of enrichment here and there, but less and less as we careen towards The End

also about aromanticism (forgive me if you already know + you know... things Many Queer People Feel For Similar Reasons) is that it's framed as brokenness by wider society. Romantic Love is the highest form of connection between people and so not being drawn towards this idea is an indication of something being wrong with you and a lot of aro people internalise that

and so the idea that Hawkeye can't disconnect his "incorrect feelings" from war trauma + his thematic role in the Story in which he's being increasingly separated narratively from the others... *charlie day meme*

all of this to say, yeah yeah "communal sub sounds sexual and also that," but mainly I think if someone cradled the back of his head while they gave him a really big hug (kinda like in s7 "Ain't Love Grand"), it might break me (and also him) and that I will on my rewatch document when we've had a moment like in "Peace On Us" where for a second Hawkeye is protected from the violence of the role he plays by the whole camp throwing him a party

(also that Stars and Stripes + Bottle Fatigue + Heal Thyself + Dreams were s8 and I don't know what I'm trying to say there but it certainly makes me stare at a wall)

(also this isn't to say that other characters aren't also occasionally doing their turn as Keepers of Themes or even that Hawkeye-centric episodes tend to be that, so much as when there's ensemble work happening he's increasingly given the War Is Hell perspective)

[countthereds]

can't I just die already? it's not worth anything. like. why would I have to suffer through living just because I can do good? it doesn't make me suffer less. why should I stick around when I know that, even if I Do manage to get a "better life" I will not have a good one. If i leave. I can't live in my country, i can't live with my family, i will always be an immigrant, will face wonderful racism day in day out, and have to start from scratch regarding most things in my life.

If i stay, I have to continue suffering through living with family, being misgendered, dealing with misogyny, and never being truely free to act as I wish, believe what i wish to believe, and I will have to constantly lie about who I am and how I act all my life.

This world was not made for me. Maybe others are better at handling it, but being queer, atheist, raised fundemental muslim, living in a fundemental muslim country, afab, trans, autistic born to a culture where autism is at best infantalising, do not do anything lucrative, raised by parents and family who don't even realise that their behavior is awful. like what's the fucking point?

No matter where i go, i will always be on the edge of society: always too odd/different and I am sick of it. the few good days are not worth all the bad days that I have to live through.

I've wanted to die for over 17 years now. That's two thirds of my lifespan. I think I've suffered enough. I think it's more than enough suffering. The world is heating up, the environment is going to shit, the world is on the brink of war, war is on my doorstep, I really don't fucking care for living anymore.

even having a partner is not enough to make it worth it. Every little thing reminds me of how nice it would be to die, and hey, my partner would get a cool backstory from it. and my family would get to parade my corpse around as if I really Was the daughter they've always thought they had.

I just wish someone would kill me. I wish I had a garage where I can suffocate myself with a car. I want a peaceful death, or a very fast one. being vaporised is fine by me, suffocating to death would be nice, breathing nitrogen would be nice and neat: not bloody, not messy, not painful, pretty simple and exactly like going to sleep. I think I'm tired enough, that I hurt enough, that I want a painless death.

I suppose even a painful death is fine, so long as death is guaranteed. I can sit through pain, i just can't cause myself any of it.

I wish there was medically assissted death over here. I really wish I could get that done. my god how much simpler things would be if I could just tell a doctor I want to die, tell them all the details and the whys and the hows and all that trash, and then have them say "i see, i understand, let's help you get that" and just, helps me put my death in order, help me leave a suicide note, then provides me with the meds to kill myself on their table, letting me die hugging one of my plushies.

I just want that. To lay down to sleep one last time, plush doll hugged to my chest, on a comfortable bed. To be taken seriously in wanting to die, not be told "oh let's try this thing you tried before!!! you definitely will want to live!!!" like, no. i won't. I keep coming back to wanting to die because wanting to live is an aberration in my thought process. It's an odd niche thing, like a new interest that dies down very quickly after the novelity wears out.

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

[sunnyrifle]

「I killed a man」

about Morita eventually killing someone with his own hands if he'd remain at Ginji's side...

tags!!: Mature ▪️ asphyxiation ▪️ mostly MoriGin

⚠️⚠️unedited, also NO ONE in this conversation is a native english speaker (some parts were translated or held in other languages as well)⚠️⚠️

Pansy: also I bet Gin knows a lot of people have died because of him, either murdered by their debt or by suicide

Akira: oh yeah for sure, I bet Ginji's both naive to use lame excuse "oh I didn't kill them directly so not my fault, their downfall/had it coming" and also smart enough to emotionally feel that he has caused multiple deaths already

Pansy: he knows Mori saw a lot of death and almost got killed that night, but he shows up to the fucking hospital with roses and "sup dude"

he is constantly minimizing Mori's pain that's why he lost him in the end

if Mori kills someone Gin would be terrible as emotional support. he would probably avoid the topic and secretly hope it won't happen again

Akira: yup hahha he's awful for not having any coping mechanisms for that kind of deal he's kind of a coward

"oh as long as me or him doesn't kill anyone it's fine" that's just cowardly

Pansy: Mori in all fours being a dog as usual and he makes a confession "I killed a man :3"

Gin is shocked and terrified for a moment but rewards him anyways!!!

I bet Gin would regret it because deep inside he doesn't want Mori to be less pure, but he knows it was him who pushed Mori to this. and when Mori expects a reward it's probably hard to say no

Akira: oh I'd love to see some kind of arc where Morita shows up all beat up covered in blood, his or not, and doesn't exactly tell what happened, he's kind of manic too, almost as if something broke inside of him 

and then he confesses he killed a man but like after some time, maybe in some very very intimate moment like a pillow talk or in between 

imagine him fucking Ginji, they're mid rounds bc Morita can't handle himself since then, they have a pause where they're almost in the climax but they both are breathless already, and Morita just blurs out "I killed him", rubbing off his forehead from sweat; Ginji's like "..eh?" then grumbles bc Morita continues to move, each new push deeper harsher almost punishingly bad, and Ginji's almost ready to ask him to stop until Morita chuckles and almost laughs again "I killed that man..!" and presses Ginji down being almost not controlling about his thoughts spiralling and chasing the high just by pure body pleasure already, and while he sees Ginji squirming under his hand and his movements and pace, he almost breaks down, silent tears streaming down his face as he smiles but it's broken and crooked... "I am a murderer, Gin-san" and a huge sob

oh I want Ginji to regret so so much;; I actually want him to feel guilty for sending Morita out on solo missions all the time hahah

Pansy: man this makes me think of another possible setting, Ginji doesn't know why Mori seems to be gradually changing and getting more aggressive during sex, then one day one of the men working for him gets drunk and finally tells him Mori killed someone but was keeping it a secret from Gin

Akira: UGH the ultimate betrayal !! imagine you're cheating with a murder, bc that's probably how Ginji would feel as when he'd understand why Morita's harsh with him

Pansy: that night during sex Gin starts feeling uneasy, maybe even scared. Morita puts his hands on his throat and chokes him for a moment. Enough to scare him even more

it would be a fun way to balance Gin's evil karma! when he finally tells Mori he knows, I wonder if Morita will stay silent or cry. or say sorry, or put his hands on his throat again

The way Gin reacted when Mori was stabbed was so dramatic, he really looked terrified for a second. he should feel that way again

Akira: DAMN if Morita's choking him, Ginji's scared and it's visible by his eyes wide open, Morita finally backs off and sits down, his head hanging low but just bc he thinks he caused the worst thing ever (aka Mori did get PTSD during sex sometimes too so he's guilty for a moment) but Ginji just coughs and clears his throat, adding "I know already", Morita jerks his head up and Ginji's rubbing his neckline but also says "I know you killed a person" and Morita grinds his teeth - then suddenly attacks him, almost punches him into the bed and he's not controlling himself anymore bc how could anyone betray him and tell Ginji, right-- ends up in hate sex while Ginji's mindset is that of forgiveness and everything that goes through his light head is "it's okay it's fine I understand, I pushed you to the edge, it's me who killed that person by using your hands" and he's pretty miserable while Morita lashes out onto his body huhu–

all the same Morita should end up crying in the end, as a pillow talk perhaps

Pansy: lol I love how we always put Gin in the role of the torturer, but when it is us who is torturing Mori too much, Gin turns into the person who takes care of him

Akira: Morita's his toy, no-one has the right to touch him

Pansy: I feel like gin is too cocky to admit he thinks murder is too much, deep inside he probably feels guilty and scared but on the outside he might say "you did it for the right cause, that man had it coming sooner or later. once we are in power we will make things right"

you know in the final scene of the manga he is definitely thinking "damn someone could be touching my toy rn"

Akira: "I'm retiring, Yasuda-san, the thoughts of Morita getting laid without me are starting to take a toll"