#someone fucking put me down already I am constantly so pained

[stark-lord]

Constantly plagued with thoughts of Edwin now knowing he enjoys being courted and Charles (compulsive charmer) with a whole new arsenal up his sleeve (laser focus on Monty’s whole deal)

“I mean, my smile is prett-y convincing” yeah yeah okay I can see where this is heading. Outlook not so good (for me)

[larluce]

Arthur and Merlin travel back in time without knowing the other is from the future too AU (SERIES 2)

FIRST PART (SERIES 1) >> PREVIOUS PART >> NEXT PART

(Sorry for the delay. This part is going to be a bit crazy)

Merlin has never been able to stay mad at Arthur for too long, so he soon finds himself back in Arthur's chambers and stays there the rest of the day, lying in bed, while Arthur pampers him.

Being taken care of is a pretty new feeling for Merlin. And, though sometimes it still feels weird, he doesn't get that feeling of wrongness anymore when Arthur brings grapes to his mouth and massages him to help him relax. If anything, he deserves this after the uncomfortable moment Arthur put him through.

As night falls and Arthur cuddles with him, Merlin can't help but wonder: What did he do to be this fortunate in this life? To get this Arthur to love him so throughfully and cherish him this much? Some fear invades him too: Is this a trick of The Sidhe? To get him everything he ever wanted to later take it all away from him. But then Arthur tells him "I love you" again and dissipates his fears with a kiss.

Merlin spent all his previous life suffering and worrying constantly. In this life, he'll let himself be happy.

Arthur: (his hand trails down Merlin's body as he kisses him)

Merlin: (pulls away from the kiss, breathless) Wait... We shouldn't...

Arthur: Why? (kiss) You are my lover. (kiss) I already made you mine yesterday. (kiss)

That is other thing. While Merlin is still processing the new nature of their relationship, Arthur assimilates it and his active role in it with ease. It disorients and overwhelms him, the intensity of how Arthur shows his love. Merlin doesn't recall a single time Arthur has been this possessive with Gwen, let alone Arthur making jealous scenes like the one he did with Gwaine moments before. It makes him nervous... but also hot for some reason.

Merlin: (stops the kiss, though he still blushes, a mix of embarrasment and arousal at Arthur's words) My offended lover act. I'm supposed to be avoiding you for two weeks, remember? If we do it everyone will know and think I forgave you too easily.

Arthur: We'll be discret.

Merlin: My limp won't be so discret.

Arthur: I'll be gentle.

Merlin: (looks doubtful)

Arthur: Please. (hand caresses his waist, hip and then his thight) You can't tell me you don't want it. (lips very close to Merlin's)

Merlin: (gives in, beacuse gods he wants this so bad) Alright, but just once. And be gentle.

Time skip. Next day in the morning.

Merlin: (Wakes up and whimpers in pain) You fucking liar! 😡 (hits Arthur with a pillow)

Arthur: (chuckles softly) Again, you weren't exactly complaining.

Merlin: (doesn't want to admit he was in fact enjoying it too much to stop him) Well, now I am, you brute clotpole! How am I supposed to go for your breakfast now?

Arthur: That can be arranged. (calls out) Guards!

Guards: (enter, weapons up) My lord!

Merlin: (startled, barely has time to react, just covers himself with the covers)

Guards: ...

Guard 1: (looks away in respect) Uhm... Did you call us, sire?

Arthur: (very chill) Tell the cook to send someone else to bring my breakfast, please.

Guard 2: (also looking away) Right away, my lord.

Guards: (leave)

Merlin: (uncovers himself, almost shouting) Why did you do that?! 😡

Arthur: (innocently) You said you couldn't bring breakfast.

Merlin: You know what I mean, you prat! We were supposed to be discret! Now everyone will know- (cuts himself, opening his eyes wide in realisation) And that's what you wanted. You did it on purpose! (gets off the bed furious despite the pain)

Arthur: (gets off the bed too) Merlin-

Merlin: (dressing himself with hard movements, furious) NO! You think this is funny? Letting them see me in your bed as if I was some harlot? Do you know how humiliating that is?

Arthur: I didn't think-

Merlin: Of course you didn't think! But you knew how important this plan was to me and you still didn't care. You trampled on my wishes as if they were worthless. As if I didn't matter (hurt emerges into his fury) How could you do that to me? (finishes to dress himself)

Arthur: (realising how much he fucked up, very sorry) You are right. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. (about to put a hand on his shoulder)

Merlin: Don't! (makes a move to go to the door)

Arthur: (puts himself infront of him) I'm really sorry!

Merlin: I don't want to hear it! (darts around him, but ends up tripping with a blanket and ends with his face on the floor) Stupid blanket! (his eyes glow and the blanket ends in little pieces)

Arthur: (swallows, thinking) Even his magic is angry, he must be really upset (aproaches carefully, kneeling before Merlin) It was never my intention to step over you and I hate myself for making you feel that way.

Merlin: (very hurt) Then why did you do it?!

Arthur: (sighs) I wasn't honest with you.. regarding your plan.

Merlin: ... What?

Arthur: I was never comfortable with it. It hurts to pretend that we are separated when that's not true. And you involved me in this plan before even consulting it with me first and then make me go along with it. You never once asked my opinion on the matter either. It made me feel like you care more about some rumors than me, as if our relationship was something to be embarrased of. And it is not! If anything, I'm proud to show you off, to let everyone know that I love you and you are mine.

Merlin: (calms down a bit, feeling bad, but still angry) You are right, that was selfish of me and I apologise if I made you upset, but what you did was not better. Is one thing to "show me off" and other to expose me naked in your bed after being intimate! And how dare you say I'm embarrased of us? Me trying to recover some of my dignity has nothing to do with that! If you were so against my plan you should have said something instead of making me look like an easy lay!

Arthur: (caressess Merlin's face) I know. I was childish and impulsive. I'm sorry. I'll never discard your wishes ever again. Relationship is a two-way street. If we are not okay with something we talk it out from now on. Alright? Will you forgive me? (offers Merlin a hand to help him stand up)

Merlin: (just stares at him, still frowning, resentful)

Arthur: I'll tell everyone I gave you a very big apology gift and that's why you forgave me.

Merlin: So now I'm not a cheap whore, but a expensive one.

Arthur: (desperate) Then tell me what to do to make you forgive me! Anything and I'll do it!

Merlin: (keeps staring at him, frowning)

Arthur: (begs) Please! I'm so so sorry. Tell me how to make it right. (holds Merlin's hands, pleading) Please.

Merlin: (sighs, giving in cause Arthur looks like he might cry if he is not forgiven and Merlin really doesn't like making Arthur this upset) My lily is lonely. I want another.

Arthur: (relieved) Sure!

Merlin: And I want it to be white.

Arthur: I'll get it for you right away. (hugs Merlin and gives him a kiss) Are we okay now?

Merlin: (thinking) I'm still angry and hurt that you put me in such a vulnerable position, but what's done is done. And I can see you are really sorry, why waste time fighting? (smiles, reassuring) Yes, we are okay.

Time skip. In Gaius' tower.

Merlin: (enters, limping)

Gaius: (worried) My boy! (grabs a little bottle and gives it to Merlin) Take this for the pain. Shouldn't you be resting?

Merlin blushes, very embarrased, because of course Gaius knows. Everyone in the castle knows. If the limp and guards catching him on Arthur's bed wasn't enough of a clue, all the visible bites Arthur left on his neck definitely are. Not even his neckerchief is able to hide all of them.

Merlin: Thank you. (drinks Gaius's potion for the pain) I can still help you around here as long as I don't have to move much. (grabs some herbs and jars with liquids and puts them on a table) It's the least I can do after losing your ingredients yesterday. (sits on a chair, wincing a bit)

Merlin frowns at the memory of Arthur and Gwaine's display from the day before (in which he lost his cest with all the ingredients he had collected). It's difficult to concieve a world where Arthur and Gwaine don't get along, let alone one when they hate each other to guts.

Merlin: (thinking, reassurring himself) They just have to stop acting like cave men and get to know each other. I'm sure they'll become friends again soon enough.

Gaius: You don't have to worry about the missing ingredients. Someone else brought them.

Merlin: (surprised) Really? Who?

Gwaine: (comes out from Merlin's old room) Me.

Merlin: (avoids his gaze, still angry at him for yesterday and starts to grind some herbs)

Gaius: Oh, Gwaine. What a surprise seeing you here. I thought you'll be at a tavern by now.

Gwaine: (to Gaius, but not getting his eyes off Merlin) Hungover.

Gaius: (shakes his head) I'll prepare you something for that. (about to that)

Servant: (enters) The King requests the presence of the physician inmediatly. Something about needing his concoction.

Gaius: (sighs) Of course. (turns to Merlin) Prepare Gwaine's medicine for the hungover, I'll tend the king. (leaves)

Merlin: (sighs, thinking) Perfect.

Gwaine: (walks around the table, grinning) So... Merlin, isn't it?

Merlin: (ignores him, smashing the herbs, still not looking at him)

Gwaine: I can help you with that if you want (about to grab a bowl)

Merlin: (puts the bowl away and keeps smashing in silence)

Gwaine: (notices Merlin's love bites on his neck, chuckles and decides to joke) The prince was eager to mark territory, it seems.

Merlin: I'll finish this in my room. (stands up, grabing his things)

Gwaine: No, wait! (stops him) Forgive me. It was a bad joke.

Merlin: (leaves the things on the table and crosses his arms) Is that the only thing you are sorry for?

Gwaine: I may have also crossed the line with your prince yesterday.

Merlin: And?

Gwaine: And I'm sorry.

Merlin: As you should. (sits again and continues to prepare Gwaine's medicine)

Gwaine: (sits besides him) I know we had a rocky start. Two rocky starts if we count the Lady Merelyn one. But I would really like to be your friend.

Merlin: (confused) Why? (thinking) We bonded before due to our similar pasts. He doesn't know about my father yet. Why does he...?

Gwaine: (grinning, amuzed) Are you kidding? You are the most interesting person I ever met! There's always people telling so many stories about you they even contradict each other. It's madness! But the kind of madness I like. And the little time I spent with you was explendid.

Merlin: You mean the bandit attack and your almost confrotation with Arthur?

Gwaine: What can I say? You are a magnet for trouble... and I love trouble. 😏

Merlin: (rolls his eyes, but can't help but smile)

Gwaine: So? (extends his hand) Friends?

Merlin: (thinking) I do miss his friendship... (says) Alright, but only with two conditions.

Gwaine: Isn't friendship supposed to be unconditional?

Merlin: (warns) Gwaine.

Gwaine: Fine, Fine. Tell me. What are the conditions?

Merlin: One, you'll stop talking bad about Arthur in my presence or his presence.

Gwaine: Noted. (thinking) I can still talk bad about him with Percival.

Merlin: Two, you'll never EVER bother Arthur again in any way. This means no insults, no fights and no fake flirting with me just to get on his nerves.

Gwaine: (nods) Understood. No insults, no fights-wait, did you say fake flirting? 😧

Merlin: (extends his hand) Do you accept the conditions?

Gwaine: (shakes Merlin's hand) I accept.

Meanwhile. Arthur and Lancelot in the woods.

Lancelot: I found some, Sire! (points some white lilies)

Arthur: (aproaches) Just now?

Lancelot: Yes. What a relief! After you told me how long your search for the purple lily was, I thought it would take longer.

Arthur: It did take longer.

Lancelot: (confused) Didn't you say it took you days for you to find the purple lily, Sire?

Arthur: The purple lily yes. But I came across those white lilies in the first two hours of my search.

Lancelot: ...

Arthur: And it took YOU three hours to find them. Honestly, Lancelot, I had more faith in your hability.

Lancelot: You already knew where they were.

Arthur: I did.

Lancelot: (catiously) Why did you ask for my help then, Sire?

Arthur: I wanted to speak with you privately.

Lancelot: About what, Sire?

Arthur: Well, It had come to my attention that you holded up some facts in your narration of the events regarding the bandit attack. Specifically some actions one of your new roommates did.

Lancelot: (thinking, nervous) Gwaine... the poor man. (says) Percival or Gwaine?

Arthur: You know who. Merlin told me Gwaine flirted with him and talked ill of me.

Lancelot: (sweating) Oh... that. 😅 (thinking) He's SO dead.

Arthur: He did not go into details though.

Lancelot: (thinking, in relief) Thank the gods!

Arthur: And that's why I'm asking you for said details.

Lancelot: (thinking) I talked too soon... (says) Pardon me, Sire?

Arthur: (with and icy calmness) What exactly did Gwaine tell Merlin?

Lancelot: I can't really remember, Sire.

Arthur: That's a lie. (pulls out a knife calmly) You have a great memory and you are more observant than anyone. That's how you could give my father a very detailed inform and how you discovered Merlin's magic so fast. So, I'll ask again. (plays with the knife in his hand) What did he say?

Lancelot: (trembling) S-sire 😰

Arthur: Why are you looking at me like that? This is for the flowers. (passes Lancelot and starts cutting some leaves so the lilies are more visible) I don't want to ask again.

Lancelot: (swallows hard) I truly don't remember, Sire. I was a bit distracted. Gwen was there and... Well, you know, how love is.

Arthur: (gives an understanding smile) I do. You must love her a lot. I can't blame you.

Lancelot: (sighs in relief)

Arthur: (smiling sweetly) Now tell me the truth or I'll make sure you can't never marry her.

Lancelot: (thinking) Sorry, Merlin. I did try to save him. (says) Well... this is what I remember.

Time skip. Gawine and Percival walking around the Lower Town.

Gwaine: I spit it and I told him "Did you make it taste this bad on purpose?" and he said "No, that's how all Gaius' medicines taste". So I retorded "I rather have hangover that drink that shit again".

Percival: (laughs) You didn't even had a hangover. You were waiting for him.

Gwaine: (shrugs) I owned the guy an apology.

Percival: And since when do you apologise for anything?

Gwaine: (brings a hand to his chest dramatically) It offends me that you think of me that way. I'm a man that recognises his mistakes and knows how to apologize. I feel no shame in it.

Percival: I agree that you feel no shame for anything. (sighs) You finally have some genuine romantic feelings for someone. And of all people you could have chosen, it had to be the prince's lover.

Gwaine: (chuckles) I don't have "romantic feelings" for Merlin. He's fun to be with, is all.

Percival: Good. Because he is out of discussion. The prince will have you killed if you dare to try something.

Gwaine: Uuuh! Forbidden love 😏.

Percival: (warns) Gwaine.

Gwaine: I'm kidding! I'm not suicidal, I don't want to end up dead in an ally.

Percival: (stops to buy some vegetables)

Gwaine: Oh, I'll be over there (points somewhere). I need to... eh... take care of something.

Percival: Do not flirt with married women. 😒

Gwaine: That happened once! She wasn't wearing her ring and was not exactly rejecting me. How was I supposed to know she was married?

Percival: Nor some other prince's lover.

Gwaine: Again, once. (pats his back goodbye) I'll see you by the chickens. (leaves)

In some jewellery stand.

Seller: How can I help you?

Gwaine: Yeah... uhm... (pulls out a ring) I would like to sell a ring.

Meanwhile, in Merlin's chambers.

Merlin: (just lying in bed resting, not because he wanted to, but everyone insisted him to)

Lancelot: (enters suddendly) Merlin! Sorry for disturbing you, I know you are... erh... indisposed.

Merlin: Honestly Lancelot, it would surprise me if someone DIDN'T know I'm "indisposed".

Lancelot: But this is an emergency. Do you know where Gwaine is?

Merlin: He went with Percival to the Lower Town to buy some things, why?

Lancelot: Great. We have to go there. Now! (grabs Merlin wrist and drags him outside)

Merlin: Wha... wait, Lancelot! What's the emergency? What are we doing?

Lancelot: Saving a life!

Back with Gwaine in the jewellery stand.

Gwaine: Come on, man! I got it for more.

Seller: That's what I offer. Take it or leave it.

Gwaine: (accepts the money reluctantly) You Camelotians are such thieves.

Arthur: Says the one who wanted to steal my lover.

Gwaine: (startles and turns) Oh, the princess has arrived! (remembers his promise to Merlin and corrects himself) I mean, what brings his royal highness here?

Arthur: Why on earth are you in possession of a ring?

Gwaine: Men are allowed to have rings.

Arthur: It looks pretty feminine for you.

Gwaine: I have very... epecific taste.

Arthur: Sure, it had nothing to do with Lady Merelyn asking you for a ring if you wanted to be with her.

Gwaine: Look, I didn't know Lady Merelyn and Merlin were the same person at the time. As far as I knew, you had rejected her for him after what happened with the bandits and the only thing that could restore some of her honor was marrying someone.

Arthur: And you were so willing to do that sacrifice, weren't you? So eager to save a damisel in distress from a, how did you say?, a corrupt and debauchee prince.

Gwaine: How did you... It was Lancelot wasn't it! 😠 That telltale!

Arthur: No, he's good at keeping secrets. I'm just good at getting them out. I don't care what people say about me, let alone a nobody like you. What infuriates me is that you, did not only flirted with MY lover, but dare to tell him that I was playing with him, that I did not love him or took him seriously.

Gwaine: Again, as far as I knew, you had this lady as a misstress instead of as a wife, knowing that kind of relationship damages a woman's reputation. Anyone would think you were playing with her. If I knew she was actually a he I would have understood why you couldn't marry.

Arthur: And if it had been so, what? Are you always this honorable, defending the virtue of women unknown to you? No, you only did it because you wanted something with her. It wasn't out of the goodness of your heart. If you had any honorability or goodness in your heart at all, you wouldn't have filled Merlin with insecurities just to get your way!

Gwaine: (offended) I didn't fill Merlin with-

Arthur: (raising his voice) Tell me how telling someone their love does not really love them back, that they are just being played and will never have a serious comittement is not filling them with insecurities!

Gwaine: (actually feels bad) I... didn't think of it that way.

Arthur: Of course you didn't.

Gwaine: (impatient and annoyed) Look, I'm sorry, alright? I spoke out of turn, now I know you love Merlin genuinely and I won't question it or your relationship with him ever again. So go back to your big castle and do whatever is that you royals do. (makes a move to leave)

Arthur: (steps infront of him, not letting him pass) I believe we have something pending. (throws a glove to the ground) Pick it up.

Gwaine: ... What?

Arthur: You said you wanted to fight me, to see how skilled I was, so... (points the glove) pick it up.

Gwaine: (laughs) I won't pick up your fucking glove.

Arthur: By the knight code, you have to pick it up. So… Pick. It. Up.

Gwaine: No.

Arthur: (smirks) Why? Scared?

Gwaine: Believe me, I have no shortage of desire.

Arthur: Why not then?

Gwaine: One, because I promise Merlin I wouldn't fight you. And I do want to keep being his friend, you see.

Arthur: (sarcastic smile) How sweet.

Gwaine: Two, I have no obligation. I'm no knight.

Arthur: Oh... you are right. There's no need of this. (punches Gwaine in the face)

Gwaine: (falls to the ground and brings a hand to his face in pain) You motherf- 😡

Arthur: I heard bar fights were more your style! (gestures him to stand up with his hands) Come on!

Gwaine: (stands up, angry) You asked for this.

Meanwhile, Percival by the chickens.

Percival: (being waiting for about half an hour, says to himself) Where is him? (hears people making commotion) What's happening there?

Little kid: (from afar) Mom, mom! They are fighting!

Mom: Stay away sweetie!

Percival: A fight? (an horrible thought comes to his mind and runs there, praying) Please let it not be him, please let it not be him. (gets there and spots Gwaine) It's him... 🤦‍♂️. (praying again) Please let the other not be a nobel, please let the other not be a noble. (recognises Arthur) That's the prince! 😨

Arthur and Gwaine: (beating the shit out of each other furiously, both bleeding from their recent injuries)

Percival: (very worried, runs to intervene)

Knight y: (who is patrolling there, stops him) What do you think you are doing?

Percival: I'm the one who should be asking! 😠 Isn't your work to prevent unrest from happening?

Knight y: Normally I would put an end to it, but this is the prince. We can't intervene. Is against the law.

Percival: What kind of law is that?! You are supposed to be protecting your prince!

Knight y: It was his wish to fight. I can't go against his wishes.

Percival: Well, I don't care. My friend is there. (makes a move to go to Gwaine's aid)

Knight y: (stops him again) I'm sorry, but we can't let you intervene.

Percival: We? (looks around and spots more patrolling knights) You have to be kidding me... What if my friend fatally injures your prince? Haven't you thought about that?

Knight y: We kill him before he does.

Percival: ... What? 😰

Knight y: It's the law.

Percival: And... if your prince fatally injures my friend? Will you stop him too?

Knight y: (shakes his head) He's the prince.

Percival: (thinking) Now I understand why Gwaine hates nobelty so much. (tries to pass the knights anyway)

Knights: (point Percival with their swords)

Knight y: Trust me it will be worst if you intervene. You won't only get your friend killed but yourself too.

Percival: (begs) Please, you can't let this happen! There must be a way to stop them!

Knight y: (thoughtful) Well, I think there is a way...

Knight x: (scolds) Alynor!

Percival: (desparate) How?

Knight y: The prince always listens to his manservant.

Percival: Merlin! Of course. Where is him?

Knight x: In the castle, resting. I heard he is... "indisposed".

Knights: (laugh)

Percival: (leaves running)

Knight x: (shouting) It's quite far! You won't get him in time! (sighs, to Knight y) 15 silver coins that he won't make it.

Knight y: Make it 20.

Some other part of the Lower Town.

Merlin: (still being dragged by Lancelot, sore and exhausted) Lancelot, please. We've been walking for hours. I'm tired.

Lancelot: (notices Merlin in pain and lets go of him, feeling bad) I'm sorry. I had a feeling that... (thinking) That Arthur would commit murder. (says) Forget it, I'm just being paranoid. Forgive me. I'll carry you back to the castle if you like.

Merlin: (chuckles softly) I would say no, but I really can't take one more step.

Percival: (crosses pat with them) Merlin! Thank the Gods! You have to come with me! (grabs Merlin's wrist)

Lancelot: (stops Percival) Wait, wait, wait! Where are you taking him?

Percival: The prince and Gwaine are fighting!

Merlin: WHAT?! 😨

Lancelot: (thinking) I hate being right... 😔

Percival: (starts dragging Merlin)

Merlin: (trips) Ow! (frees himself from Percival's hold, angry) Stop dragging me like some rag doll! 😡 I can walk on my own! (walks on his own, but he's too in pain to walk fast enough and he's limping) Those stupid idiots-Ow!

Percival: (Impatient) There's no time! (Picks Merlin up in his arms quickly and runs)

Merlin: AAAAAAH! 😱

Lancelot: (runs after them)

Meanwhile, with Arthur and Gwaine.

Arthur: (kicks Gwaine hard)

Gwaine: (falls on his back in the ground) Argh!

Arthur: (approaches to help him stand up, cause it's still dishonorable to fight a man when he is not in a position to defend himself)

Gwaine: (thinking Arthur was approaching to beat him on the ground, kicks in the air to protect himself, but ends up kicking Arthur in the crotch by accident)

Arthur: (bends over in pain, his voice a scale higher) Ow! You son of a bitch!

Gwaine: (laughs his ass off, while he stands up) This was not my intention, but oh gods! (keeps laughing) I hope you are not planning to have offspring soon.

Arthur: (still bending over, catching his breath) Shut up!

Gwaine: (joking) On the bright side, maybe now I do have a chance with Merlin.

Arthur: (straights up again, a murderous look on his face)

Gwaine: (thinking) Me and my big mouth...

Arthur: (lunges at Gwaine in full rage)

Meanwhile, Percival finally arrives with Merlin in arms and Lancelot by his side.

Percival: (puts Merlin on the ground gently)

Knight y: (To Knight x) Ha! He's here. Pay me.

Knight x: (reluctantly pays him)

Merlin: (serious) Where is him?

Knights: (point in the direction of the fight)

Merlin: (walks as fast as he can there)

Knights: (step away to let him pass)

Percival: Sure, you can't let a broad man stop the fight, but the defenseless scrawny manservant that can barely stand on his feet is more than capable.

Lancelot: (to the knights) We are his friends. Let us pass.

Knights: (look doubtfully)

Lancelot: He may need reinforces. The prince won't forgive you if he gets injured.

Knights: (step aside)

Lancelot: (to Percival) Hurry!

Lancelot and Percival: (run)

Back to the fight.

Arthur: (on top of Gwaine, choking him on the ground with his hands)

Gwaine: (trying to push him away, in barely a whisper) I yield! I yield! You proved your point. Pleas... (can't pronounce a word anymore, trashes harder, he can't breath)

Arthur: (thinking, eyes cold) 278.

Gwaine: (his movements weaken, face almost purple)

Merlin: (screams) Stop! You are going to kill him!

Arthur: (lifts his head and gets off Gwaine, like getting out of a trance) Merlin?

Gwaine: (Takes a deep breath and coughs, his hands on his neck)

Percival: Gwaine! (kneels to check him, worried)

Merlin: (furious) What is the meaning of this?!

Arthur and Gwaine: (pointing at the other, Arthur in a loud voice and Gwaine in a hoarse voice) He started!

Merlin: (yelling) I don't care who started it! You are ending it. Now! (to the people who is around in a circle) What are you looking at? GO!

People gathered around: (disperse)

Merlin: (turns to Gwaine and Arthur, dead serious) We are going to Gaius now and I don't want to hear a single word from you until we are there. Do I make myself clear?

Arthur: Merl-

Gwaine: But he-

Merlin: (raises his voice) I said, do I make myself clear? 😠

Arthur and Gwaine: (nod effusively)

Merlin: (sighs, tired, and turns to Percival) Percival, help Gwaine. (to the knights) You, help your prince. (turns to Lancelot) Lancelot, carry me on your back.

Arthur: Why is Lancelot carrying you on his back? 😠

Merlin: BECAUSE I'M INDISPOSED! 😡 And you are not exactly fit to carry me right now.

Arthur: (tries to stand up) Of course I-Ow! (winces in pain)

Merlin: That's what I thought.

Arthur: (opens his mouth to protest)

Merlin: Not another word! (to the others) What are you waiting for?!

Everyone present: (hurry to do what Merlin said)

Percival: (whispers to Lancelot) I take back what I said about him being defenseless, he is scary.

Lancelot: (whispers back, smiling) You'll learn soon enough Merlin is not what everyone sees.

...

Arthur after his fight with Gwaine:

This Arthur is so full of red flags I swear xD

Any idea of what is going to happen next?

Tagging @aceauthorcatqueen , @fallenxjas , @smileytrinity , @lucifertookmyshoe @an-entity-i-think , @thecornerofbelu , @griffonskies , @odinjm , @cinnabon-sweetroll-tiramisu , @thelady-mary , @bennedict , @nightninjaboy , @st8-of-grace , @starrieisdelusional , @error-username-not-available , @dogberryrowan , @jamieweasley13 , @tansyuduri , @tercais , @robynnemrys , @evadne01 , @serasvictoria02 , @hairdryerducks , @curiously-lazy , @harriettesthings , @andrealux16 , @wacko-weirdo , @greatdonutenemy , @yougottobekittenme , @anxiousosaurus , @kinkforwings , @someweirdassnamee , @impracticalantlers , @miyriu , @hobipabo , @whitemaskcd , @bogslob , @braziiis , @rubinaitoart , @thebigoblin , @toomanyfanficsbruh , @farmboyprince , @nonsensefunsense , @slightly-psycho-multifan , @jxmimac , @anarchelsworld , @beepbeep-yeah , @faithiikins , @the-moons-undying-light

[duffslut]

Teach you a lesson

Modern! Axl Rose x Reader

My Masterlist.

Word Count: 613

Warnings: Smut! Minors Dni.

Axl held you by the neck while making you take steps back without even knowing which direction you were going, it was only when you felt your head hit the wall that he finally stopped, his blue eyes stared at you with anger and desire at the same time, you knew you had disobeyed him, but you didn't imagine he would find out so quickly.

- You're a fucking whore. - He said in his frighteningly thick voice, without taking his hands off your neck, you started to run out of air.

A tear ran down your cheeks.

- Don't you dare fucking cry in front of me! - You held back your tears and felt Axl's hand roughly lift your skirt and go down inside your panties.

Of course you were wet, the more badly Axl treated you, the more horny you felt for him, and that made him even angrier.

- Tell me you slut... - Axl started saying as he shoved 2 fingers inside your pussy. - Who does this wet pussy belong to?

- To you baby. - You tried to caress his face but he grabbed your hand before you could touch him.

- To me? - He asked. - So tell me Y/n, why were you talking to someone I said you shouldn't talk to? Am I not man enough for you? - He screamed.

Axl turned your body backwards from him, facing the wall, and arched your back so that your ass was sticking up for him, you groaned in pain as he gave your ass the first slap, burning your skin, he didn't stop, the thick rings between his fingers made your skin hurt even more.

You could feel your pussy literally dripping wet as Axl slapped you, your face on the wall was soaked with tears, you couldn't take the teasing anymore, you wanted him to fuck the shit out of you. Axl put one finger in your mouth, and you sucked on it like you were sucking his cock, and once it was wet enough, he shoved it in your ass.

- Take it like a good girl. - He whispered repeatedly while fingering your asshole.

You could tell when even he couldn't take it anymore, his dick was almost bursting through his pants.

- Let me help you daddy. - You said when Axl finally allowed you to turn around and kneel in front of him.

He remained standing, holding your head as you unzipped his pants, you looked up for permission, but what Axl did was spit on his own dick right before he buried your head in, already making you choke, shoving his cock deep in your throat, you covered yourself in the pre-cum that was constantly leaking from his dick, licking all over its width and down to his balls, sucking them while using your hands to masturbate him. You reached your hand down to his nipple piercing, playing with it as you started to move your mouth up to his belly button, and then continued up until you reached his pecs, you kissed every inch of his skin, and nibbled on his nipple where the piercing dangled, which made him grunt. You guided Axl to the couch and sat down in front of him, rubbing your clit with one hand while the other was in your mouth.

- Please fuck me daddy! - You asked and Axl came closer, finally placing his cock against your pussy, but without fucking you yet, only masturbating himself.

You rolled your eyes and smiled when he finally started to push inside you, but your smile soon disappeared when you felt the warm liquid inside you.

- You didn't deserve it today, finish it yourself and clean up this fucking mess.

[sams-venting]

Do you feel proud? Does this make you feel strong, to point fingers at children, blame them for the abuse they suffered, tell everyone that it's their fault that they were hurt. That they should have known better, that it's their fault an adult hurt them. Lied to them. Told them things were okay when they weren't. Do you blame an 8-year-old for being raped too? "Oh you should have known better, this is your fault and anyone defending you needs to shut up because this is your fault."

Does it make you feel big and strong to name the accounts of victims of sexual abuse, to incite harassment towards them?

Are you getting off to this? Getting in a good wank? That's the only logical reason I can think of as to what would excuse this kind of behavior.

You can say what you will about me, about my attitude, about the things I've said, the things I've done, the mistakes I've made. I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I will never be perfect. And I'm not going to kill myself trying to be perfect for the likes of you. You who will side with the abuser every single time if it means siding against me.

You don't care about these kids and it shows. You have not lost sleep, you have not had breakdowns because you were trying to figure out how to help, you have not had long nights up comforting them, and you have not experienced the pain of feeling alone in your need to do anything you can to support them and help them heal and help them grow as people. You haven't been up until the early hours of the morning, sobbing to the only other person who knows the extent of the damage because you don't think you're doing enough, even after everything you've already done. Because you don't know who to ask for help in this and you're constantly on the front battle fields taking blows so no one else has to.

You are not the one who will make yourself a martyr for the hatred of people like you so that you can minimize the damage the actual victims of the situation receive. You are too fucking cowardly to show your face, and you mock others for not showing theirs. And you are far far too much a coward who values your own reputation too much to put it on the front lines every single time it is asked of you to prevent further harm being done. You are too much a coward to even defend your own opinion with your actual account, while people who value these children are putting everything they've worked for at risk for them.

You don't care about victims. You don't care about raising awareness of abusers. You just want to fester in your own negativity and try to drag down the people who do care because you dislike them.

Tell me, if I were to donate a million dollars towards resources to help with CSA cases and support victims, would you agree that that is a worthy cause, or would you spew vitriolic hate, call it an attack against your personal self while hiding your identity, and tell people I'm just looking for attention? If I saved animals would I just be doing it for the praises of other people? Must everything revolve around this ideology that if someone does something that is objectively good, like bringing awareness to CSA, or shedding the light of truth on lies and liars, that they must have an underlying reason?

Do you hate me because I am good? Or do you just want an excuse to hate me because you will never be able to stand up and do what I do? Do you hate goodness, or are you envious of my will to constantly push to do what I feel is the right thing? Will you continue to hold past mistakes against me, mistakes I've made up for and have contacted individuals privately to make up for them time and time again, while continuing to tell me that I must forgive being slandered and accused and lied about?

I do not have to forgive anyone for as long as things are being misportrayed and people are trying to demonize me and my actions. When I forgive it is because people have ceased and desisted. Every lie that is spoken about me to try to damage my reputation because I was shedding light on the truth is another nail in the coffin, because this community knows who I am and what I am like. I will never need the validation from swine like you, swine who would rather eat their own shit than admit that someone who is on your side of "against the big blogs" might have a point when it comes to literal child sexual abuse. I do not need your validation because I have a vast support network of people that you seethe and gnash your teeth at because you wish so desperately that you could be in my place.

I am loved because I have made myself worthy of love. I have shed vitriolic hate, I have put aside my own gripes with people, I have kept my personal history and opinions out of this situation to the utmost best of my ability to show the unfiltered truth.

Do you know how distressing it was compiling that document? As someone who is a long term victim of CSA? To see people I love, people I care for, people who I look up to. To read their words, to see the hurt, to try to puzzle things together? Do you understand the horror of being told that your friend, someone you trusted would hurt a child in this manner?

I am upset. I am enraged. I have done so much more for these kids than the likes of you would ever dream of doing unless it was with a gun put to your head. I have done these things out of my own will, my own volition. I have purposefully took on all the attention, I have made it about me by putting it on my main. I have made myself your enemy so that you will not direct your vile vitriol towards the people who were actually hurt. And I will keep standing here, taking these shots, taking these blows, bleeding from my heart and eyes and mouth, screaming until I have no voice and still I will continue to beg and plead because that is the right thing to do. Because that is where my loyalties lie. Because that is the kind of person I am.

What kind of person are you?

.

[gyumibear]

⌞BLUE SPRING⌝ — 03: Bruised Fruit

SYNOPSIS — In which you, an upcoming idol, are saved from a dangerous encounter by Song Mingi, a jaded, third-year delinquent who falls for you in more ways than one. However, both of your responsibilities constantly tear you apart. Years later, you reunite. Are the sparks still there or was your love only meant for that one spring?

WARNINGS — Heavy swearing, Descriptions of Injuries, Mingi insults YN (not maliciously)

WC — 1.6k

Mingi couldn't believe his eyes... Well, eye. Given that Hongjoong had blackened the left one and left him looking like some kind of fucked up pirate. Regardless, Mingi couldn't believe what he was seeing. The same obnoxious, if he could even really call her that, pretty girl from the store was approaching him. She walked with caution and even though she had a hood on, he could tell from her demeanor alone she was apprehensive. He didn't move to stand up from the curb where he rested. He didn't even acknowledge when she sat down next to him. Is she crazy? He thought.

"I'm not crazy if that's what you're thinking." So she's a witch. "I noticed you sitting over here and you're injured. I'm deathly afraid that my life is a hidden camera show and I need you to tell me now if I can bandage your wounds or if you're going to tell me I just walked the prank." So she is crazy. "Please just tell me. My roommate is gonna start wondering where I am, but I don't want to leave someone if they need help. So, uh, chop chop."

Mingi turned his head to actively give you a blank stare. Who walks up to someone and starts talking like that? Especially at damn near two in the morning? He gave you another once over, noticing your obvious differences. Ah, a foreigner. Mingi chalked it up to be just what they do overseas. He decided to humor you. "I'm injured alright."

You let out a sigh, grateful that he didn't continue to stare at you like you'd grown another head. "Mind if I bandage you up? I have stuff on me..." When Mingi gave you a raised eyebrow, you continued to speak, "I'm a bit clumsy and I hate seeing other people in pain. That explains why I have the kit and why I'm bothering you. So?"

"Knock yourself out." Mingi gave you a curt response, closing his good eye.

With that, you immediately got to work, pulling out your first aid kit. "You look like you'll be fine, but I'm warning you that I'm about to disinfect your wounds."

"Didn't I tell you to knock yourself out? And besides, I'm already bruised fruit."

You scoffed, dabbing the antiseptic-covered cotton ball onto the cut on his nose. "Bruised fruit... Who are you Osamu Dazai...?" You murmured. Who the fuck is Osamu Dazai? Mingi thought before letting out a soft hiss at the antiseptic's contact, with you raising your eyebrow this time. "All good there?" He rolled his eyes and you continued, working away diligently and pressing bandages to the cuts you found.

When you got back to his face, only his nose cut was left. Unfortunately, all your plain bandages were gone, leaving only your cutely patterned ones that were a gift from NingNing for your birthday. You reached into the box to retrieve one when Mingi's gloved hand grabbed your wrist, halting your movements. Your eyes led you to Mingi's face, his eye trained on the bandages.

"You're not putting those on my face."

"Yeah, I am."

"No, you aren't."

"And why not?" You shook his hand off your wrist. "You were fine before."

"I already got beat up once this week. I don't want to get fucking laughed at too." While Mingi had wanted it to come out in a threatening tone, his voice revealed a hint of sadness at the end of his sentence. Good, now she probably thinks he's a fucking loser. If she didn't already. Surprising to him though, you didn't laugh or say you thought he was a loser.

Instead, you looked up at him earnestly and said "I'm sorry."

Mingi was taken aback. He had not expected you to say that. "What- Why are you sorry? You didn't have anything to do with this."

You then started to look a little guilty, which for some reason made Mingi feel like cheap dirt. You played with your hands absentmindedly while you formed the right words. Just when the silence had gotten stale you kept talking. "I mean, I kind of saw the beginning of what happened a few days ago. When those dudes were messing with you... I didn't see everything cause I had to get back to my dorm, but I noticed how...distraught... you looked. I'm sorry I didn't step in or anything."

Mingi gave you a blank stare once more, the gears turning in his head. You'd seen what happened? How scary Hongjoong had looked? And you thought you should've stepped in? Mingi didn't know whether to think you were super brave or super dumb. But, a small part of his cold demeanor was cracked knowing you cared that much. Wait, what am I saying? I barely know this girl. "Don't apologize. I had it handled."

Now was your turn to give him a blank stare. "Doesn't really look like you did..."

"Hey!" Mingi huffed, almost annoyed. "I did. I'm still alive, aren't I?"

"No offense, but my first thought when seeing you today was 'Did that guy get ran over by a bus' so..."

"Fuck you." Mingi rolled his eye, turning away from you. Now he was annoyed. He didn't know what to make of you. You seemed genuinely caring, but then again you also seemed like a genuine little shit. He had half a mind to just walk off, actually he was going to until you let out a soft chuckle.

"Sorry!" You snickered out, his eye back on your face. "You said that so quickly."

Mingi watched you struggle to hold your laughter with a deadpan expression. You were almost turning colors trying to maintain your composure that he was even a little worried about you. Then, you started coughing uncontrollably, and then you started choking. She's going to fucking die. He grumbled to himself before using his hand to lightly tap you on the back. When you seemed to have settled down, Mingi let out an exasperated, "Are you done?"

"Yeah..." You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly. If you hadn't just almost gone on to glory he probably would've thought your actions were cute. But nope, Mingi was rendered to a state of second-hand embarrassment for you. "Um... Please pretend that didn't happen."

"No way in hell."

"Wha- Fuck you!"

"Now you're getting it," Mingi gave you a cocky smile. "Okay. Pack up all your stuff."

"Wait why?" You asked, but started putting away any unused medical supplies. "I still haven't bandaged your nose. Or your hands for that matter. Take your gloves off."

Mingi ignored your words, taking the bandaid scraps and throwing them into a nearby garbage can. He was not taking his gloves off. Fuck that. "It's late. I want to get home and I'm not leaving you out here alone, so let's go."

"Ah." You checked your phone, confirming he was right. Mingi sniffed as he waited for you to stand up. "My bus comes in a few minutes."

"Let's go then."

⚘

Mingi couldn't believe how stupid you were.

"I could've sworn it said ten minutes!"

"I could've sworn," Mingi mocked your voice, "Dumbass. That says ten hours."

You didn't even try to argue back, knowing that he was correct in calling you dumb. Your bus tracker did say the next time a bus could get you back to your dorm was 10 hours. Keeho was going to kill you... If Gahyeon didn't... Or if you didn't get FIRED.

You collapsed to your knees dramatically, surprising Mingi. He looked down at you in half-confusion, half-worry. "Are you... good?"

"I'm going to get fired." You hung your head, sighing slowly. "We all worked so hard and I've just ruined it. Everyone's going to be disappointed and I- Shit."

"Okay, relax." Mingi felt awkward, given he didn't know what you were talking about and other people's emotions made him feel weird. "We'll get you back, alright?"

"How?" You sniffed. "You don't have a car, do you?"

"No, but we both have two working legs. Get up." Mingi reached down, grabbing the back of your hoodie to pull you up to your feet. "I'll walk you back."

"Who just grabs someone like that?!" You huffed, dusting yourself off.

"Stop complaining." He started walking but stopped when he realized he didn't know where he was going. "Hey. Where do you live anyway?"

"At the HYBE dorms..."

"You're an idol?" Mingi struggled to hold back a laugh. "Wow."

"Is it really that surprising?" You rolled your eyes as he kept snickering.

"Nah, but I would've thought party clown."

"Fuck you!!" You started speedwalking in the general direction of your dorms, Mingi cutting off his laughter to catch up to you.

⚘

Mingi stood with his arms crossed, watching you hurriedly text 'your friend' to let you into the dorm. You both had been standing out there for a solid twenty minutes, probably waiting for said friend to wake up. It was damn near three forty in the morning, after all.

"She texted back!" You announced, whispering the words out. "She's on the way down."

Mingi just nodded back, not really having a response. To be honest, he was really just thinking about getting in the bed. His phone buzzed, reminding him he even had a phone in the first place. Reading the texts, his face paled significantly. When you finally turned around, you were shocked to see that he wasn't there anymore.

"Wha-" You looked around, trying to see where he'd gone. Nothing.

"YN!" Chaeryeong opened the door, whispering out your name. "Come on!"

You took one more worried glance over your shoulder before running inside. Where did he go?

← TO PREVIOUS | MASTERLIST | TO NEXT →

NOTE — Saurry for the disappearance! Uni is not for the weak. 😭 Fun Fact: Mingi loves to tease people, especially if he likes them. Take that as you will... ;)

BLUE SPRING TAGLIST: OPEN! send a reply or ask to be added! if striked, you could not be tagged! — @ad0rechuu @run2seob @xynokia @hearttakesworld @scarfac3 @gvnwks @asherthehimbo @atinytinaa @urlacuna @saintriots @miriamxsworld @yungiprincess @ddextrr @rxnexxi @yyxy27 @mingis-mizu @lolos-hoes

© GYUMIBEAR. do not repost, modify, or translate my work onto other social media sites.

[lifesteal-headcanons]

I'm gonna put the glitch in glitch duo right now and rant about them and how their glitches work because I am so normal about them (lie)

Okay, so I barely got into Lifesteal like. Late last year because of Squiddo joining and I lowkey got really hyped for it and seeing Ash and Squiddo together I was like.. Woah.. New fav duo alert.. And then found that there was no fancontent and had to make it myself so.

Anywho! Ashswag, as we already know, has that lil.. Thing over his left eye (?) That a lot of us (me) has interpreted as like. Glitching. So to start us off, I believe that glitching can stem from messing with your own player code/others player code/server codes/using mods with like. Virus' or something idk im not that smart. And from the Ashswag videos I've watched we can kind of tell where Ash fits in there by like. Fucking with how servers work and therefore fucking up his own code.

Squiddo's code is glitched because.. Have you watched Squiddo's videos? Naw but fr, she's constantly putting the most cancer inducing mods on her game, playing mods that can definitely fry their pc, playing minecraft on a USB DRIVE?? Which would DELETE chunks to MAKE MORE OF ITSELF so like. You can see where I'm going with this. So obviously, their code gets fucked up and the more they do these mods and plug ins and - whatever the hell, the more their code because intangible and unable to be fixed.

So, with that, I'm gonna go ahead and explain how I think their glitching works and how it affects their body/like.. Everything else.

Ashswag's glitches, as we can see, are more visible to the eye. Literally over his damn eye. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that gives him some partial blindness in his left eye. Also, from some fics that ive read ive seen people give him like, back problems and chronic pain that he probably had before but the glitches DEFINITELY don't help at all and instead make the pain way worse than it already is so. Yay!

While Ash's are more physical, I feel like Squiddo's are more like. Mental? If you catch my drift? While Ash is stumbling down into a heap of pain on the floor because his back is killing him, Squiddo is standing in the hallway staring at him wondering why the guy from the one house smp is crumbling on the floor in front of them on a server they swore they were not on a few weeks ago.

So yeah. Memory loss Squiddo. Also inspired from a fic that I do know! I'll link the fics I got inspired from at the end because they are genuinely such good reads and great ideas.

But I decided that memory loss best fit Squiddo, because tbh they are pretty forgetful. And I take their goofy hijinks and shenanigans as just. Squiddo having to recollection of anything and just trying to do something (which she's probably done before) to job their memory but oh well. I feel as if the memory loss is more of a living in the farlands thing rather than glitched out fucked-up code inducing thing, but whatever. The only time we see glitched out Squiddo is on thumbnails! So I feel like whenever Squiddo joins a server or world that's previously glitched or like. They're already pretty glitched, it really takes its toll and fucks up the whole thing and makes it a memory loss disaster for Squiddo.

And because of Squiddo's horrible memory, they can never recollect and find out what the hell happened to the world to make it this glitched out when in reality she's the reason the world is so glitched.

Except when joining servers! Surprisingly, they don't experience those things when joining servers while when joining worlds the world would become discombobulated and delete itself just after a few hours. Funsies! Which they realize when they join the one house smp just to explore it and then they find ASHSWAG!! And then realizes that HE'S GLITCHED TOO!! YAYY!!! And then they absolutely BOMBARDDDD him with questioned like "why do my worlds always delete themselves?", "what causes someone to have a glitched code?" And "how are servers able to not glitch out?" Etc etc which Ashswag answers and then BOOM! FRIENDSHIP!!!

Basically the only reason servers are able to work for them is because theres like.. This other thing cody whatever that prevents it to idk im not smart. This is not compliant with my past fics written about this stuff but oh wellsies.

Another thing I have made up is 'glitch fever' where basically they just get sick because of their fucked up code and glitches. Yeah. Also based off a fic I read where being around Ashswag too much can make you sick and stuff. I feel like their are certain people who are immune to it like Reddoons (purely because of Swagdoons and nothing else) and Squiddo (because they also glitch tf out and Swagsquid/silly).

Another thing I've like. Headcanoned (because this is all just me reading too much into things and making too many headcanons about) is that their glitches also like.. Made their body tempature irregular. This is so random but it was just something I thought of and then I wrote a fic about it. Like, Ash is constantly fucking cold and on a hot ass texas summer day he'll feel a little warm. Same for Squiddo just vice versa. I love them. The sillies. I want to put them in a terrarium and study them.

That's.. All I have I'm pretty sure. Hello I am Swagsquid the #1 Glitch Duo Writer/Enthusiast and the #1 Swagsquid Shipper (the ONLY Swagsquid shipper..) and thank you for listening to my ted talk.

Fics I took inspiration from:

"Dear Diary: Today, I killed someone" by Fey_wilde on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/52170592)

"I Feel Too Weak to Stand" by Eternal_Era on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/48067240)

"fault lines" by garlic_sauc3 on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/41924196)

Fics I've written based on this idea:

"Glitch fever" by (ME!!) Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/53400835)

"The warmth of another's embrace" by Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/53449573/chapters/135284551)

"Forgotten hot chocolate" by Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/54350146)

(Please read the tags and ratings before reading some of the fics!)

.

[arsenicflame]

i think, ultimately, the problem is that i dont want to get better.

its more nuanced than that, obviously. i would love to be better. i would love to exist and grow without pain and suffering and just. i want to be better.

but better for me doesnt ever look like that. the best hand ill get is a life of constantly fighting to feel stable, to be anything resembling ok. ill never be over this and ill never have to stop fighting and its. so fucking hard.

i try to see hope in the every day. i love my friends with everything ive got, i do the things that make me happy, i make my own joy where i can but. its never enough. its never going to be enough. none of these things are ever going to outweigh the burden of everything else. i get so fucking drained trying to live a normal life, i cant even do half the things a person is expected to do to exist. i dont think i ever will.

i think. i dont think the person i would be if i was better is someone i truly want to be, either. i dont think im fun to be around or a particularly good friend or anything. i find myself abrasive and too intense and in general, not someone people truly enjoy, and it would only be worse if i wasnt weighed down by my own issues. i dont think the person i am or would be is someone worth fighting for. and i know, i know i would never think these things about anyone else but. here we are. here i am. acknowledging it takes work to find stability and i dont want to, dont have the energy to, the motivation to put that work in for myself.

i wish i did. i really wish i did but i cant change the fact that i dont. the future is a black hole of nothingness and misery for me and no amount of small hopes change that.

the future is the night sky and yes, theres sparks of light in there, but theres so, so much darkness to get through to find them.

and im already so tired.

im gonna log off now for a bit i think, if youve got me somewhere else ill probably still be reachable there (or as reachable as i ever am, i guess) but i think im gonna take some space to think things over.

i appreciate everything anyone has ever done for me but you cant help me if i cant help myself, and i dont expect you to.

i want the world for you, i want you to keep fighting and find hope and have happy and fulfilling lives surrounded by love. i hope you can have that. working on getting better is so hard, but i hope the world is kind to you, i hope your effort is worth it. i hope you keep being someones star, because i know you were mine. i love you.

[insidekaz]

I'm in a bit of a creative overhaul...

No, I don’t mean creative burnout, but rather a spontaneous and spiteful sensation has over the creative gears in my mind and is allowing me, for once, to actually get long-postponed products done. Of course, this randomized sense of productivity wasn't based on much personal choice, but rather the procrastinated realization of being hurt by someone I believed I could trust. As the saying goes,

To be burned by the candle once is to remember the pain forever.

At least, I think that's how it goes. Can't really remember on if I've heard it from somewhere or if I just made it up one day.

Regardless,

I've been inspired to shove all creative output to the front of my mind and banish the negative connotations I have about myself to the back of my head until... I'm ready to deal with them.

Yes, I am aware that I'm constantly prolonging the possibility of talking about my problems, but let's not focus on that right now.

This post has been sitting in my draft for about three days longer than I've wanted it to, which is a bit concerning on my part, considering that I usually get these post done same day.

I've just been s t r e s s e d if that makes any sense. I'm behind on some projects, missed deadlines on others, and now I'm just sitting her wondering. All of these ideas I have in my head, written down, and the files are all put together, probably more put together than I'll ever be. Why is creating the final product so hard? Like, I'm all hyped up to get my work out there, yet actually reaching the finish line seems to be the fucking hardest thing, if that's a relatable feeling at all.

And I already know what you're thinking: "Kaz, if you're getting this stressed about content creation, maybe it just isn't for you."

Trust me, I've already been told that several times more than I want to. This is stressful, yes, but no one said that this was going to be easy, did they? I'm not stressed cause I think I won't succeed. I've had may more people tell me that my rather unorthodox way of thinking is entertaining. Hell, maybe I'll be able to actually monetize my antics and not be living paycheck to paycheck.

It's the fear of my madness being rejected that scares the shit out of me.

It's the very idea that my crazed mind will be further alienated from society than it already is that keeps me awake at night. I take anti-psychotics, but they less allow me to take a handle on my mind and moreso make me marginally more socially acceptable for the outside world. Trust me when I say that me off of my meds is an experience that's only comedic once.

FUCK

THIS

POST

IS

LONG

Prime example as to why I don't allow myself to go on full rants like this. If I allowed myself to get all of my thoughts out, I might get the attention of either a famous author who wants to take me under their wing or a few scientist who might wanna study me to see just how I tick on the inside. I better hop off for now. Might come back in a few days, might not. Don't worry, I'm not going to go and do something stupid. If I do, I'm sure someone who cares is gonna find me alive.

[countthereds]

can't I just die already? it's not worth anything. like. why would I have to suffer through living just because I can do good? it doesn't make me suffer less. why should I stick around when I know that, even if I Do manage to get a "better life" I will not have a good one. If i leave. I can't live in my country, i can't live with my family, i will always be an immigrant, will face wonderful racism day in day out, and have to start from scratch regarding most things in my life.

If i stay, I have to continue suffering through living with family, being misgendered, dealing with misogyny, and never being truely free to act as I wish, believe what i wish to believe, and I will have to constantly lie about who I am and how I act all my life.

This world was not made for me. Maybe others are better at handling it, but being queer, atheist, raised fundemental muslim, living in a fundemental muslim country, afab, trans, autistic born to a culture where autism is at best infantalising, do not do anything lucrative, raised by parents and family who don't even realise that their behavior is awful. like what's the fucking point?

No matter where i go, i will always be on the edge of society: always too odd/different and I am sick of it. the few good days are not worth all the bad days that I have to live through.

I've wanted to die for over 17 years now. That's two thirds of my lifespan. I think I've suffered enough. I think it's more than enough suffering. The world is heating up, the environment is going to shit, the world is on the brink of war, war is on my doorstep, I really don't fucking care for living anymore.

even having a partner is not enough to make it worth it. Every little thing reminds me of how nice it would be to die, and hey, my partner would get a cool backstory from it. and my family would get to parade my corpse around as if I really Was the daughter they've always thought they had.

I just wish someone would kill me. I wish I had a garage where I can suffocate myself with a car. I want a peaceful death, or a very fast one. being vaporised is fine by me, suffocating to death would be nice, breathing nitrogen would be nice and neat: not bloody, not messy, not painful, pretty simple and exactly like going to sleep. I think I'm tired enough, that I hurt enough, that I want a painless death.

I suppose even a painful death is fine, so long as death is guaranteed. I can sit through pain, i just can't cause myself any of it.

I wish there was medically assissted death over here. I really wish I could get that done. my god how much simpler things would be if I could just tell a doctor I want to die, tell them all the details and the whys and the hows and all that trash, and then have them say "i see, i understand, let's help you get that" and just, helps me put my death in order, help me leave a suicide note, then provides me with the meds to kill myself on their table, letting me die hugging one of my plushies.

I just want that. To lay down to sleep one last time, plush doll hugged to my chest, on a comfortable bed. To be taken seriously in wanting to die, not be told "oh let's try this thing you tried before!!! you definitely will want to live!!!" like, no. i won't. I keep coming back to wanting to die because wanting to live is an aberration in my thought process. It's an odd niche thing, like a new interest that dies down very quickly after the novelity wears out.

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

[sunnyrifle]

「I killed a man」

about Morita eventually killing someone with his own hands if he'd remain at Ginji's side...

tags!!: Mature ▪️ asphyxiation ▪️ mostly MoriGin

⚠️⚠️unedited, also NO ONE in this conversation is a native english speaker (some parts were translated or held in other languages as well)⚠️⚠️

Pansy: also I bet Gin knows a lot of people have died because of him, either murdered by their debt or by suicide

Akira: oh yeah for sure, I bet Ginji's both naive to use lame excuse "oh I didn't kill them directly so not my fault, their downfall/had it coming" and also smart enough to emotionally feel that he has caused multiple deaths already

Pansy: he knows Mori saw a lot of death and almost got killed that night, but he shows up to the fucking hospital with roses and "sup dude"

he is constantly minimizing Mori's pain that's why he lost him in the end

if Mori kills someone Gin would be terrible as emotional support. he would probably avoid the topic and secretly hope it won't happen again

Akira: yup hahha he's awful for not having any coping mechanisms for that kind of deal he's kind of a coward

"oh as long as me or him doesn't kill anyone it's fine" that's just cowardly

Pansy: Mori in all fours being a dog as usual and he makes a confession "I killed a man :3"

Gin is shocked and terrified for a moment but rewards him anyways!!!

I bet Gin would regret it because deep inside he doesn't want Mori to be less pure, but he knows it was him who pushed Mori to this. and when Mori expects a reward it's probably hard to say no

Akira: oh I'd love to see some kind of arc where Morita shows up all beat up covered in blood, his or not, and doesn't exactly tell what happened, he's kind of manic too, almost as if something broke inside of him 

and then he confesses he killed a man but like after some time, maybe in some very very intimate moment like a pillow talk or in between 

imagine him fucking Ginji, they're mid rounds bc Morita can't handle himself since then, they have a pause where they're almost in the climax but they both are breathless already, and Morita just blurs out "I killed him", rubbing off his forehead from sweat; Ginji's like "..eh?" then grumbles bc Morita continues to move, each new push deeper harsher almost punishingly bad, and Ginji's almost ready to ask him to stop until Morita chuckles and almost laughs again "I killed that man..!" and presses Ginji down being almost not controlling about his thoughts spiralling and chasing the high just by pure body pleasure already, and while he sees Ginji squirming under his hand and his movements and pace, he almost breaks down, silent tears streaming down his face as he smiles but it's broken and crooked... "I am a murderer, Gin-san" and a huge sob

oh I want Ginji to regret so so much;; I actually want him to feel guilty for sending Morita out on solo missions all the time hahah

Pansy: man this makes me think of another possible setting, Ginji doesn't know why Mori seems to be gradually changing and getting more aggressive during sex, then one day one of the men working for him gets drunk and finally tells him Mori killed someone but was keeping it a secret from Gin

Akira: UGH the ultimate betrayal !! imagine you're cheating with a murder, bc that's probably how Ginji would feel as when he'd understand why Morita's harsh with him

Pansy: that night during sex Gin starts feeling uneasy, maybe even scared. Morita puts his hands on his throat and chokes him for a moment. Enough to scare him even more

it would be a fun way to balance Gin's evil karma! when he finally tells Mori he knows, I wonder if Morita will stay silent or cry. or say sorry, or put his hands on his throat again

The way Gin reacted when Mori was stabbed was so dramatic, he really looked terrified for a second. he should feel that way again

Akira: DAMN if Morita's choking him, Ginji's scared and it's visible by his eyes wide open, Morita finally backs off and sits down, his head hanging low but just bc he thinks he caused the worst thing ever (aka Mori did get PTSD during sex sometimes too so he's guilty for a moment) but Ginji just coughs and clears his throat, adding "I know already", Morita jerks his head up and Ginji's rubbing his neckline but also says "I know you killed a person" and Morita grinds his teeth - then suddenly attacks him, almost punches him into the bed and he's not controlling himself anymore bc how could anyone betray him and tell Ginji, right-- ends up in hate sex while Ginji's mindset is that of forgiveness and everything that goes through his light head is "it's okay it's fine I understand, I pushed you to the edge, it's me who killed that person by using your hands" and he's pretty miserable while Morita lashes out onto his body huhu–

all the same Morita should end up crying in the end, as a pillow talk perhaps

Pansy: lol I love how we always put Gin in the role of the torturer, but when it is us who is torturing Mori too much, Gin turns into the person who takes care of him

Akira: Morita's his toy, no-one has the right to touch him

Pansy: I feel like gin is too cocky to admit he thinks murder is too much, deep inside he probably feels guilty and scared but on the outside he might say "you did it for the right cause, that man had it coming sooner or later. once we are in power we will make things right"

you know in the final scene of the manga he is definitely thinking "damn someone could be touching my toy rn"

Akira: "I'm retiring, Yasuda-san, the thoughts of Morita getting laid without me are starting to take a toll"

[lily-drake]

Going 2 b honest it's kind of weird of u 2 assume those of us who use it/its don't know the implications that might come from that . For some of us its reclaiming it (plenty of us got called "it" as children for looking a bit 2 transgender or being a bit 2 autistic or weird or gay) for some of us we don't care. Some ppl use it because their genders r more complicated than "man" "woman" or "nebulous other/none". Some ppl use it because they r therians/kin/etc but that is not my experience so I can't speak on it. It's not rlly ur business 2 decide what we deserve 2 call ourselves. I mean if u want 2 misgender ppl that's its own problem but assuming u don't want 2. Don't patronize us and assume we don't know what we're doing. Most of us aren't children and we r perfectly capable of understanding what we r saying. I hope u never interact with someone who uses it/its because its literally not that fucking deep

It is deep though. I am deeply sorry for the people who were constantly called and referred to as “it” throughout their childhoods and lives. That’s a heartbreaking thing and I can only imagine the pain each individual felt when being referred to as such. It’s heartbreaking to know that many of the people were not truly seen as humans, and it truly is a travesty of our modern age.

I know many of the people don’t understand the implications of the word as a majority asking to be called “It” are in fact children. Children that don’t fully comprehend right from wrong, that don’t fully comprehend truth from fiction, children that simply can’t understand the meaning because their brains are still not yet full developed. If you don’t trust a 10-year-olds to drive safely by themselves as they don’t fully comprehend the dangers of the road, if you don’t trust a 13-year-olds to comprehend the consequences of getting filler/injection as they are still underdeveloped puberty wise, if you don’t trust a 16-year-olds to be able to comprehend what it takes to take care of a family; then you shouldn’t trust them to comprehend the decision they are making to willingly dehumanize themselves, to be at war with themselves constantly, never knowing who they truly are.

Gender isn’t actually that complicated. See “gender” was created for the use of languages and languages alone! For example Latin uses genders to refer to masculine, feminine, and neuter nouns and verbs, and where all Romance Languages are derived from Latin, they follow similar patterns! For example Agriculae means “The Farmer” and because it ends in “ae” the word is masculine; Stella means “A Star” and because it ends in “a” the word is feminine; Verbum means “A word” and because of the “um” the word is neuter. Gender was never used to describe a person, nor was it ever meant to, it’s just for the words themselves. And as for sex, well simply put, there are only 2 sexes as proven by science.

Animals also only have 2 sexes which are male and female. So even if someone finds that they wish to be more animalistic, they would still be either female or male.

I will call people by what they are. I hold respect for the person, but that does not mean I have to respect their choices; and I expect the same in return. When I made that post I already knew someone would tell me to kill myself, which a person did. I knew that I would be insulted and told to grow up, which many people did. I knew that people would talk down to me and try to guilt trip me, which did happen. Despite this, I hold no grudge and I will continue to talk in a respectful manner. I believe that everyone has an important purpose in life, that each person is imperfect (myself included), but even so everyone can create beautiful and important things no matter what. Most importantly, I believe that real and objective truth is one of the greatest things we hold in this life. For if we can not see the world through the lens of reality, there is nothing left in this world that can ever be viewed as true and beautiful ever again. Where truth has been covered up, chaos and cruelty will reign in its place. I often hear people say that “God made a mistake”, but that would imply that God is some bumbling oaf that doesn’t know his left from right. God is a perfect being, He has never, nor can He ever, make a mistake. If you don’t believe in God, then it must be even harder. To constantly be war with yourself, to never be at peace with oneself is a heartbreaking thought. To never trust your mind, to curse your soul, to choose to remain in confusion and darkness…I can only imagine how painful that must be. I send all my love and all of my prayers to these people, because they deserve happiness; but more importantly they deserve the peace and assurity that comes with truly accepting oneself for who you are, not who you think you “should be”.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this, and please know I am open to having a peaceful and open discussion. There is nothing wrong with a disagreement nor civil debate. I hope that even if we can not come to an agreement I hope that we can at least see eye-to-eye and that both of us can come to an understanding.

[kittieprettieprincess]

I can't wait to be a pretty lil stay at home trophy wife to the most handsome sweet loving butch ever 🥹🥹🥹 just ughhh I know I'm waiting until she finds and pursues me but I can't wait dude 😫😫 I can't wait to be all sweet and domestic and lovey dovey wif someone and sit on her lap anytime she sits down just to curl up in her arms bc I'm so small. Wrap my arms around my future wife and give her sweet kisses all over her handsome face 🥹🥹🥹🤭 eeeeeeeeee

Thinking about being home all day. Maybe the Monday after a good relaxing weekend in bed and around our home with my partner. I'd wake up early in the morning to read the word and have my coffee, as well as making hers to wake her up. I'd walk into our room and place the coffee on her bedside table. Then menacingly tiptoe closer to the bed only to crawl on top of her and lean over her sleeping face to give her morning kisses. I wouldn't stop kissing her everywhere until she wakes up and flips us over so that I'm underneath her now, completely pinned. Safe under her weight, receiving kisses sweet and tantalizing, I giggle, "Daddyyyyyy stoop 🥹🥺🥺 tickles!!!"

"Okay, okay baby I'm sorry. Daddys sorry honey. I love you lovebug." She'd say as she leans down to kiss me once more.

"OH, did my sweet girl make her daddy coffee?? Thank you babydoll."

"Of course Dada 🥰."

After a few more kisses we head to the kitchen where daddy makes us breakfast as i sit on the island counter, watching and swinging my legs about. Probably messing around with Penny my stuffed bunny and giggling to her about how handsome daddy looks making food for us both.

After daddy is finished making our breakfast she sets our plates down and quickly lifts me off the counter and back into her lap as always. Just like every morning. I sit in her lap and we both eat breakfast together. Separately, but we're so conjoined at the hip that we always stay with me in daddys lap. It's where a princess belongs of course 😌 sometimes daddy may have to feed me bc baby gets distracted playing with Penny and play feeding her. Then, once we've had our meal, daddy quickly has a shower and gets out. When she gets out, she comes out of the bathroom to find I've set her work clothes out neatly on the bed. Already sprayed with her favorite (and mine) cologne. She gets dressed and meets me at the door where I kiss her goodbye and tell her to come home quickly and to message me when she arrives to work safely.

While my bubbas is at work I'd most likely clean our home on a good pain day or do laundry. House chores and the like. Before her lunch break I'd make her a nice meal and get all dolled up to take it to her. The thought of my future butch being able to brag on their pretty little wife and how good I am to them. Constantly doting on them and feeding them yummy meals and treats. I'd of course make sure to make one of my loves favorite desserts as well. There'd be a sticky note applied to it that says, "there'll be even more dessert for you when you get home ❤️." I'd wait all day for her to get home. Constantly missing her and thinking about how badly I can't wait to run up to the door as soon as she's home so she can pick me up and give me more of her sweet kisses I missed so much. She'd try to put me down complaining of getting my pretty slip dress dirty, but instead she's turned on more when I tell her,"Fuck me dirty. I don't care. Well shower after anyway daddy."

"Please, show me how much you missed me honey."

Yanking her shirt off to reveal her sports bra and muscles,I lean down to her kneeled on the ground between my legs to kiss her again.

She slowly moves her hands dirty from work up my legs to grab and knead at my thighs.

"So fucking pretty baby, God. Smells so sweet."

I laugh and hook my legs over her shoulders. Interlacing my hands through her hair and pulling her close against my lacy panties. Her favorite of course. Pink with the little bow on the front. I can feel her cold wedding band against my skin as she moves her large, tough hands up my body underneath my dress to grab at my breasts. Kissing me and telling me how much she missed me, I tell her I missed her even more.

How much I couldn't wait for her to get home so I could kiss her and hug her. Smell her scent and be in the arms of my safe place. How much I thought of her getting home so she can take me however she wants because my body belongs to her just as hers belongs to me.

The thought of planning for babies. 🥹🥹 OH GOD

Picking out a donor that looks like my wife so that our bubs look like us 🥹🥹I can't wait to carry babies for my wife someday. Just the thought of it makes me so happy dude. The thought of carrying my loves child inside of me. Our babies 🥹 them constantly rubbing and kissing my belly as it grows and talking to our baby. Even reading books to them so they'll be super duper smart and cool 🥹 going to appointments and crying together over Watching our Bubba grow 😭😭😭😭

Even if I couldn't carry our babies I still can't wait to have a family with my love someday. Whether it's through adoption or biology I don't care.

I just genuinely can't wait to meet my person in God's timing bc I'm so tired of trying to make it work with mascs that are emotionally unavailable or settle for the "daddy" title when it's something they don't really like, just because they like me. I can't wait to find my butch daddy so I can be taken care of and loved the way I deserve and to be able to give all the love I have for them in return for everything my lovely butch husband does for me 🥹

I can't wait to be a pretty little femme wife to my butch someday and I hope wherever she is that she or he depending on pronouns, is safe. I hope she thinks about me as much as I think about and dream of her and what it will be like to be her girl someday 🥹🥹🥺🥰

[perpetuallynumb]

I'm thinking of ending things.

Today I woke up looking forward to nothing.

Not that there's any difference.

It's always been like this.

And I'm tired.

I'm thinking of...

But there was one time!

That I did look forward to something.

Or someone.

It's whenever I talk to someone special for me.

Or whenever I have a plan with someone I'm comfortable with.

I did have a moment

When I actually wanted to live longer

For tomorrow.

But today it felt different.

But it's long gone now.

I'm thinking of....

I've always been the one who talks first.

But I don't want to be too intrusive. All the time

I'm just tired.

I feel like whenever I do that.

I am forcing my existence upon somebody

Who doesn't want it.

But if I don't,

How will anyone ever love me

Or remember me.

Or think about me.

Or miss me.

God it's pathetic.

I'm thinking of....

Because tonight I am truly alone.

Feeling abandoned.

I'm nothing.

I got nothing to talk about.

Nothing to look forward to.

It's just me.

And my longing to feel important.

Truly pathetic.

I guess sadboi is the term for this.

It's embarrassing.

I'm thinking of.....

Actually, I used to think that I could tame it.

That things would be okay.

But just how long should I endure.

The pain of feeling like I'm forgotten.

Like I'm nothing.

Or maybe there's nothing to remember me for.

Have I not done enough?

I'm thinking of ending things.

I did want to get myself out of this cycle.

But whatever I do.

No matter how much effort I put into it.

I feel like I'm nothing.

I feel pathetic.

And it's embarrassing to feel this pathetic.

But it's what I'm constantly feeling.

So does it mean I'll always be this pathetic?

Ironically,

All I wanted was to be immortalized.

I wanted to be the subject of someone's writing.

I wanted to be the first person people talk to

About anything

Happy or sad.

I wanted to be a priority. Or at least feel like it.

I wanted to be asked how I was doing.

"How's your day?"

"Have you eaten well?"

"Take Care!"

Ah shit boo fucking hoo it's embarrassing how pathetic I have became.

But I know damn well that even if I do have the attention.

Or the feeling of being treated as important

My brain would reject it.

Putting me back to this cycle of patheticness.

Most of the time.

I feel like I've only truly forced my existence upon everyone.

In hopes of feeling something.

In hopes that I'll be yearned for.

In hopes that I'll be important to someone.

In hopes that they'll do the same thing for me.

In the end I couldn't tame it.

But deep inside I know this isn't true.

Deep inside I know it's the opposite.

And I know my brain is just hay wired into always asking,

For the impossible task of finally filling this void in me.

And it's exhausting. Not only for me but for the people around me.

I want to do better.

But It always feels like i can't escape it.

Like a monster always putting me down whenever i get back up

And I'm already so spent.

I'm so tired of fighting.

I'm sorry.

But despite knowing that this too is a temporary state of mind.

Or just a pathetic way of seeing myself.

Or just me being fucking sadboi who deserves to be humiliated.

For feeling this way.

I'm not asking for pity.

I don't want to manipulate people into doing things for me

Into them saying the words I want to hear just for the sake of me feeling better.

I honestly don't know what I want.

I'm honestly just thinking of,

Ending.

That's it.

[healinghoneybee]

No shit I never thought of that... This is surviving

Tonight I am feeling so much compassion for the people that struggle to do things they logically know they “should” do. Someone told me to just forget it and move on. It’s like Biiiiitch you don’t think I tried that? You think I want to be breaking my no contact once again to ask why you couldn’t just apologize for hurting me and letting me down? You think I want to be hurting over you and want to feel insecure again? I go to therapy, take courses on healing from heartbreak, do the innerchild work, do yoga, do the breathing, talk to my inner parts, read the self-help books listen to the podcasts, try to make the to do lists to practice what I learn, ALL THE SHIT. I took off work to focus on self-care. What more do you want from me. If you only saw how hard I am trying to heal from my past. If you could be in my shoes for 2 seconds and know why and that my body and mind sometimes WON’T LET ME do the things I logically know I need to do. The issues are in our tissues, Bitch. I am trying to get it out of me and relax my nervous system. I meditate that I am safe. I have SO MUCH compassion for those that can’t “just move on” or do the healthy coping mechanism. I was told I had “post traumatic stress” symptoms 9 years ago. If only you knew how hard I try to heal. I’ve been trying for 9 years. Lately I don’t have the energy to constantly be resilient and put together. Sometimes I just fall apart or I send the message (maybe problematic but maybe expressing my truth of what I need to say and was unresolved, I don’t trust your opinion). Lately I am a mess sometimes because I am healing from scars and sometimes I fail. Or maybe it’s not failing because apparently my counsellor says the sticky feelings are getting worked out and to be grateful for the uncomfortable release. I hope so. I know this moment of struggle doesn’t represent all that I am. I was doing so well until I got pushed back to survival mode. I know I am more than this flare-up of symptoms or my emotions. And guess what? I’m gonna have compassion for you if you ever fall apart like a granola bar, cause I been there. And I also have so much empathy and compassion and love and care from my experience and that love will be a gift to someone someday and to my friends already. I will keep trying to heal and I won’t give up and I WILL SURVIVE. I will get back to how powerful I felt last summer and make it out of the tunnel inch by goddamn inch and the light at the end will be even BRIGHTER than I can imagine. I believe in the gifts this will bring. I will feel powerful on my own again. Or find a balance and chillness with someone that brings out my softness. I deserve love that is healing, that I don’t have to work so hard to heal from. You don’t know what this experience is like, so don’t judge me on how long it takes. I have one life to live and I won’t let them have it and I may mess up a lot but God knows I am trying. I have a lot to unlearn from being socialized and trained as a woman to doubt myself and feel like I am too much or not enough no matter what I do. But I believe in my best self. I am forced to learn self-compassion and patience and self-acceptance and self forgiveness and love for myself despite all odds because if I didn’t I would not fucking be here. I am resilient. I am trying. So don’t say some condescending one-liner about what I need to do. I’ve probably fucking thought of it. I probably was hard on myself for failing to do it and worked to forgive myself and now I need to be gentle to myself. I’ve learned to be gentle to myself and others. But when I’m backed into a corned I might mess up and lash out or get harsh but I come back to the lesson of my anger and the importance of being gentle and I try again and I apologize. It’s not my fault you could not apologize so we could not have a better ending. I tried to repair it but it felt like you invalidated and dismissed my pain and didn’t take accountability for your action that did hurt me and did the thing that would trigger the second wound of re-victimization, which is real and the truth and is a big part of why I am still struggling. But that was not inevitable. I believe I can heal with the right words, the right community, the right actions and kindness and time and my own love. I messed up and reached out and I couldn’t fall asleep, so what. If you don’t want to be friends, I hear that now and I will start no contact and try again tomorrow when the sun comes up. Society can take its victim-blaming judgement and not-so-generous view of me/my actions and know-it-all toxic positivity and shove it right up your ass. I am not victimizing myself like you implied - I am not a victim. I don’t make myself into one and you can’t make me into one. I am a survivor and this is surviving.

[ashwhowrites]

I saw someone request rockstar Eddie with a groupie I was thinking maybe a groupie is all over him and backstage after a concert Eddie hates it and just wants his wife then reader his wife walks in assuming he was cheating and I trust you with the end🤍

Love it!! Here we go! I did your idea! But for some reason made it way more painful than needed so oops

⚠️angst as usual but fluff ending

Also I deleted this like three times and wrote it multiple ways. And I still hate how I wrote this so whoever requested it- if you hate it too, let me know so I can fix it babes

When her husband is a rockstar that girls have wet dreams about, she knows she'll spend a lifetime being jealous. When his fingers can work fast on the guitar while he multitasks with singing, she knows where other girls minds run off to. She was the same. She started as a girl who had a crush on the lead guitar player and singer. She watched him on stage and had dreams about his fingers, mouth, voice, and body constantly. And it was like he knew it. He'd smirk in her direction during his solos. Always standing near her side of the stage when he'd kneel down to sign girls'boobs. Eyes always flicked to hers, never even looking at who he was signing. The sexual tension got too hot and too high. Before she knew it she was in the bathroom being fucked against the mirror.

That's how they started. A bathroom fuck, so romantic right?

She never would have guessed the same man would be proposing to her years later on stage, in front of a sold out crowd in New York.

She was by his side when he was a small bar band and now he took her all over the world as he grew. Eddie was in love with her before he even learned her name. Getting to fuck her was just the bonus.

They were in love and maybe got married too young, but they didn't care. He wasn't letting her go anywhere.

Eddie doesn't even remember what they were fighting about before he left. He remembers screaming and her screaming back.

He remembers yelling, "DON'T EVEN FUCKING COME TONIGHT!" as he slammed the door.

Which he regretted the second he played the first song. Looking to his left where she stood backstage, and just like he asked, she didn't show up.

His first performance in months without her there and he felt like an asshole. He couldn't even remember who started it or why it started. And if he couldn't answer those questions, then he knew it wasn't important enough to keep being upset about it.

He collected together all of his stuff in the dressing room, throwing it harshly in his bag.

"hey Eddie, I know you are in a rush to get home but we have a fan out here who is dying to say hi" Gareth said. He knew Eddie and his wife were fighting before he came here, Eddie showed up tense and pissed off. The couple has been on short circuits. Screaming at each other at the drop of a hat.

Eddie thinks it's the stress of trying to have a baby that was taking a toll on their relationship. She was getting upset at her body for not accepting a baby and she took it out on him. She knew it wasn't fair but she couldn't stop. And Eddie, instead of understanding how hard it must be on her, he got pissed that he became her target. They both didn't talk about their feelings and that's where they kept going wrong.

"I'm really sorry dude. But I am not in the mood. Y/N's upset and I need to apologize. Just ask her to come next week" Eddie sighed. Gareth gave him a guilty look as the door opened and the girl squealed excitedly. Jumping in her dress as she screamed about the band in front of her.

Eddie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Plastering on his best smile. He could suffer for a few minutes.

~~

She was drunk in seconds. Already throwing herself on Eddie's lap.

"no no" he mumbled, unhooking her arms but she laced their fingers together.

"I'm married" he mumbled again, trying to shift his body from under her. He was not in the mood for this type of game.

But she stayed put. Not even moving a muscle. Eddie looked around the room and noticed he was alone

"if you are married ,where are they?" She asked

"she's at home. I told her not to come" he sighed. And now he wanted her to be here more than ever. He didn't want a random girl on his lap. He wanted his wife to be here.

"how come?"

"because I was stupid and she's pissed.But seriously I need you to get off of me. This isn't happening and will never happen" he tried to push her again

"I know what you can do to make her feel better" she sounded genuine but Eddie still didn't want the feeling of other girls body on him

"okay how about you tell me while you get off of me?" He asked, giving up on moving her for a slight second to hear what she had to say. Letting her absorb his words.

But she didn't say anything. She smashed her lips onto his. His brain was slowly realizing what was going on. The hands that she had laced were stuck. He was trying to pull his body away but he couldn't move anywhere

"Eddie?"

~~

She sat at home all night. Crying on the couch after he slammed the door. She hated what she was doing to them. She was ruining their marriage day after day. But she didn't feel good enough. She couldn't give him a baby, and that's all he talked about.

Finally ready to just apologize and talk things out, she headed to his gig. She knows he doesn't want her there but as a wife, she had the right.

She smiled to Gareth as she walked to the dressing room. Lance, their manager, noticed her right away and let her through the hallway. She smiled gratefully and walked into the room.

Her husband was there, but so was a girl in a tiny dress sitting on his lap, kissing him.

"Eddie?" She gasped out in disbelief. She knew she wasn't being a good wife lately, but he'd really throw it all away?

Her eyes burned as the girl pulled away and looked behind her. Eddie's eyes finding hers once the girl moved.

"hold not. This is so not" he stuttered out fast. Throwing the girl off of his lap as she landed on the couch next to him.

Y/N felt her eyes roll, turning back around and leaving the damn bar

"BABY WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN THAT!"

But she just kept walking. Never in their relationship did she think he'd ever cheat on her. But apparently she didn't know him well.

She made it out of the bar. Gasping for fresh air.

Eddie was right behind her, arm snatching her hand and yanking her into him.

"listen you need to listen" he pleaded. He knew if he didn't explain soon enough, more damage would take place

"no Eddie I don't!" She spat back, throwing his hands off of her

"is that why you didn't want me to come tonight? So you can go screw a groupie? How many girls were there?"

Eddie shook his head at each question

"no that is not why I asked you not to come. I should have never asked that! I want you here. And fuck no, there has been no one but you. You are my wife, I wouldn't screw that up! I don't want anyone else. She came on to me. I've spent the past hour trying to get her off of my lap. I would never do that to you. I love you"

He watched as silent tears were running down her face.

"why?" She asked, throwing her hands in the air with frustration

"why what?" He spoke softly, seeing she was seconds away from crying harder. One hand held her jaw and the other one rubbed her back softly

"why do you love me? I mean God Eddie, you married me expecting a family and I can't even give that to you! If I were you I think I'd cheat on me too" she sobbed

Eddie felt his heart shattering

"baby no. Just no" he shook his head, holding her face tighter in his hands moving his forehead against her

"when I married you, I married you because I am in love with you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted us to share a name, a house and our hearts. Listen to me, I don't need a baby to make me want to stay with you. Nothing would MAKE me, I want to stay with you and that's not ever going to change. I should have been more understanding of the stress you are putting your body in. And I would never cheat on you. There is no one in this whole world that would ever compare to you. You are it for me, okay?"

He smiled and pecked her wet lips. Pulling back slowly as she nodded and sniffled.

"I love you too" she spoke just as soft. Kissing him again.

She pulled away with a small gag, "we need to wash your mouth. Taste like pure alcohol"

Eddie laughed, "yeah that girl was pretty wasted"

He smiled as he threw his arm on her shoulder, walking to the car.

He didn't need a baby to be a family.

Just having her, was the only family he needed.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @slightlyvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid

[justxright]

Demon Slayer

❀ NSFW Alphabet - Douma ❀

No because the way I folded for this guy so quick the minute I turned the page to read the upper moon meeting, was embarrassing.

Warnings : Everything. Definitely not safe for work. (I wrote this when my friend came up behind me and I nearly pissed myself.)

A - Affection

• Douma is persistent and will always show you affection when demanded, even when you don’t.

• He constantly holds you around his worshippers and gives you small bite marks here and there on your body.

• Biting is definitely a sign of affection from him. Mainly on your neck where everyone can see whom you belong to. In a way, it was sorta like a status symbol. Like, “Hey these bite marks are from Lord Douma and no other woman has it. That’s because I’m his wife and I am his and his only. Don’t you dare touch me or I’ll tell my husband. And he’ll fucking eat you alive.”

• You’re quite the brat, so whenever and wherever you want attention, you will always get what you want.

• Douma is also a huge fan of PDA. During meetings (before Muzan arrived) he’ll put you on his lap and kiss up and down your neck.

• He’ll even be a bit cocky and stare right at Akaza, whilst slipping a hand into your kimono to begin fondling your breasts. He knows that Akaza wanted you first, and hearing you moan for him rather than Akaza was absolutely adorable. For Akaza, it was humiliating.

B - Body Part

• Let’s face it. It’s always been your neck. It’s perfect for biting and nibbling when he’s hovering over you, fucking you hard into the sheets while you cry out from him.

• Was it from pain or pleasure? He’s didn’t care, and he didn’t want to know. He loved being able to sometimes break the skin on your neck while you begged him to stop. To stop fucking you or stop biting you? He didn’t know and either way, he wasn’t going to stop.

C - Cum

• Douma is so messy when it comes to cum. He’ll practically cum anywhere and everywhere all over you.

• During the first round he prefers to cum inside of you, and loves watching it drip out of you. After the 2nd and 3rd round, he’s cumming in your mouth. A few more rounds in and he’s cumming anywhere on your body.

•Even when you’ve had enough, he’ll forcefully hold up your legs and continue plowing you into your clit until he’s finally done.

“..You’re done already my dearie?…heh, no I don’t think so… I said spread your legs!… I’m not done filling you up with all of my cum yet.”

D - Dirty Secret

• As much as he’ll NEVER admit, he’s always wanted to have a threesome with you.

• The thought of double penetrating and spit roasting you gave him the chills, but in a good way. Just you being forcefully taken so roughly by him and perhaps another man, was enough to make his blood run hot with lust.

• The only problem is that he’d never let another man touch you. It was just the thought that was entertaining.

• On certain occasions however, he had thought of calling over Akaza to flaunt him fucking you. And there were times where he thought of him joining in, coming in to ravish your body and help him devour you. He wanted to see you struggle under pressure and see who’s cock you wanted more.

E - Experience

• This guy has been alive for centuries. Let’s not pretend this guy doesn’t have any experience.

• Nevertheless, he assures you that you’re the one and likes to fuck you in every position known to man.

“… Seriously, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for someone like you… Ive waited centuries and I’ve never wanted to fuck someone this badly… So from now on I get to fuck you as much as I please.”

F - Favorite Position

• Honestly this depends on his mood.

• Since he goes for multiple rounds, there are multiple positions that he puts you through.

• But if he really had to pick a favorite it would probably be doggystyle. The view that he has is astonishing and he loves that he’s able to push your head down into the sheets and you’ll make those adorable moans as if you were struggling to keep it all together.

G - Goofy

• No. This guy is not goofy at all in bed. He takes it seriously and is sadistic.

• He makes sure to stay unpredictable and really gives it to you in all the best ways.

H - Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

• Absolutely. He’s pretty well shaved and groomed. He’s pampered and clean like the cult leader he is.

I = Intimacy

• In the moment he’ll give you everything, even when you two aren’t doing it.

• But during the moment specifically is when he’s able to show you all the things he’s been wanting to do to you all day.

• While the sun starts to set, you make your way back inside to greet him, only to be thrown into the bed with the intense feeling of heat around your neck.

• While biting your neck he’d force your legs apart while he whispered all the dirty things he’d been wanting to do while you were away. “Y/n, Y/n… my darling, get on your knees… and wrap your pretty mouth around my cock. And don’t tease me.”

J - Jack off

• Now that you’re around he never has to.

• But before you, he’d have to do it on his own because touching or being with him was a privilege. He believes that you should be honored.

“Y/n… you should be honored. Plenty of my followers wish for me to fuck them senseless… but you’re lucky I only want you and your sweet, sweet body…”

K - Kink

• He loves bondage. There’s no way that he doesn’t love seeing you helpless in such a moment where you are most vulnerable.

• He’ll mainly tie you up in the most traditional way and begin fucking you from there.

• He also really hopes that one of his followers accidentally walks in since he purposely requests dinner around the time he plans on fucking you.

“Oh-! How embarrassing! I’m sorry, we’ll just finish up here… go ahead an place the food on our table… Look at that Y/n!… this is so embarrassing for you.. my poor followers saw me relentlessly fucking my helpless little slut…”

L - Location (favorite places to do it)

• Mainly you two like to stay in the bedroom.

• However, if you and Douma happen to be in a public space and he feels the sudden urge to fuck you, then he’s getting what he wants.

• He’ll pull you into a more private space, but not impossible to be found by a couple of unsuspecting people. (ex. alleyway) If they catch you guys then Douma will most likely not stop unless they threaten you two.

M - Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

• Knowing that you want him and only him is what really gets him going. He likes that you’re always needy for him and absolutely loves that you praise him.

• He may be sadistic and a complete masochist, but you were into it.

N - No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

• Any over exaggerating moans. If you’re faking it he’ll know right away and will become extremely discouraged because, well why aren’t you turned on? He could fold any woman or man he wanted and there’s never been a time where someone would lie to him. Especially during sex.

• Also no pet play. Please. He likes you as a human. Let’s keep it that way.

O - Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

• Growing up, he was practically raised on being praised. He’s used to receiving because that really all he knows.

• However that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Of course, being alive forever lets this man become skillful over the years.

• He loves the taste of you and will most likely eat you out before properly banging you.

“Do you like that Y/n…? You came onto my tongue three times already and darling you are the sweetest thing… Perhaps you’re ready to be properly fucked now?… I won’t start till I hear you beg.”

P - Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

• Extremely fast and rough. Just the way he likes it. He loves seeing your whole body shake and the way you cry out for him to slow down.

• Douma makes you beg.

• He’ll always give you exactly what you want, but for a price.

Q - Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

• He’ll always be able to have time for you, unless it came to Muzan and business. There’s no way to just say no to his boss. He’s sure Muzan would kill you if he missed a meeting.

• But if he knew a meeting were coming up, Douma would be up for a quickie. Telling you to quickly suck his dick, or bend over the table real fast.

“…You’re so fucking tight… Ah, I’ve gotta finish up now here darling… You know I can never be late… I’ll finish what I started when I get back. Until then, no touching yourself.”

R - Risks (are they willing to take any? Try new things, etc.)

• All the time. Douma is infact sorta immoral so he doesn’t mind trying new things.

S - Stamina

• He’s a demon so his stamina and sex drive is at an all time high. You didn’t think just one round would suffice right?

• Uh no, there’s going to be multiple rounds, and multiple rounds leads to countless loads of cum all over you.

• You don’t even remember the most he’s done. You just remember blacking out one night after so many rounds. That was the night he so desperately wanted to knock you up.

T - Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

• Yes! Douma has a lot of things for you. Being into bondage, how could he not have anything else to tease you with?

• He loves sticking things inside of you and watching you squirm.

“…Y/n my dear… you’re a fucking slut.. look at you. Getting all worked up over a toy. Pathetic…”

U - Unfair (how much they like to tease)

• Douma never plays fair with you.

• On days where he sees Akaza or any one of his followers flirt with you, he doesn’t touch you at all.

• If he does, he teases you and makes sure that he’s the only one to cum and he leaves you hanging.

• He doesn’t even allow you to touch yourself until he’s satisfied with your punishment. Afterwards he fucks you for hours, punishing you with his thick cock.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

• He doesn’t care wether or not people are around. However loud he feels in the moment is how loud he will be.

• Most of the time it’s you moaning and crying out his name.

• But when he feels real good, Douma is practically whimpering, moaning and growling. He’ll scratch up your skin and shove his cock in you further.

“Slut!Slut!Slut! Look at you… having your pussy violated by a fucking demon! Pathetic! That’s right… keep screaming my name!”

W - Wildcard (random headcannon)

• He likes to put you in his clothes and fuck you on his altar.

• The way everything was so baggy on you was so cute to him. It was even cuter that you were dressed like him, including his little hat. It made you look like you ran his cult.

• In that scenario you were his leader and he wanted to fuck you every way you commanded him to.

X - X-ray (What’s going on underneath those clothes?)

• A large dick. That’s all. One large, thick, 8 inch dick that he loves to shove inside of you.

Y - Yearning (how high is the sex drive?)

• Extremely high. Any chance he’ll get he’ll fuck you.

• Douma is fucking you at least 3 days a week. Maybe more.

Z - Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

• Well, since he’s a demon he doesn’t sleep. During the day he barely moves since the slightest bit of sunlight could kill him.

• However since you’re still human, you pass out rather quickly and he sometimes pretends what it’s like to sleep. So, he’ll grab a blanket and throw it over the both of you before closing his eyes, thinking to himself until you woke up.

Not gonna lie guys, I shook my ass like I was working a 9-5 making this. Ty bbys! <3