#insidekaz

[insidekaz]

And Thus, Everything Is Tumbling Down

(I know that's a weird way to start another one of my strange post. It'll be explained later. Prepare for a pretty lengthy blog today.)

Hello people of the internet. It's me, Kaz, your local enby who messed up so hard that they put themselves on the couch, only for my partner to come and get me and bring me to bed. Before you say anything, I know that that's also a strange way to start off a post that basically going to turn into a public self-shaming post, but try to trust me when I say that all of this will be explained in the next few minutes (well, hours for me. I don't exactly plan on sitting down and typing all of this out in one sitting.)

I'll start off by saying that I've been stressed lately. No job, places saying that they're hiring but not calling me back, the cost of living being diabolically bonkers, all of that. Doesn't help that while I'm at home applying for jobs and doing side hustles, my partner is pulling extra hours at its job to make sure that we don't drown in this capitalistic economy.

That's not the reason why I feel like everything's falling faster than a tower of Jenga blocks. The reason is because of one major flaw with my personal psychological programming and how I go about trying (and failing) to fix it. Man, this post sure is colorful today. Anyway, I have this...thing in my head that annoys me if there's information that's made apparent that I don't know or the possibility of an event that can happen. For example, if someone were to tell me "Hey, I'm planning a surprise for you.", it'll start to bother me to no end until I gather all the information needed figure out what that surprise could be, thus spoiling the surprise for myself in the process. Or, and this is the more relevant example, if there's something that I'm made aware could result in something bad happen, I, for some fucking reason, act upon my impulses and try to get that bad thing to happen. Usually, I'm stopped before said bad thing could happen and that usually calms me down for the time being.

Yes, it's just as infuriating as you're thinking it is, both of me and everyone around me. Yes, I have tried to control this impulses in the past. And yes, I have continuously failed to keep these impulses under control.

This time, this was different. I'm not going to go into exact detail of what happened, but I will alluded to the idea that I almost invoked a pretty bad situation that almost ended in property damage. Of course, as always, the chaos was halted. Yet, that doesn't make the situation magically better. I know, shocker. Above all of that, it was my significant other that had to calm everything down. I'm not gonna lie or try to justifying what most people would think and say "Oh, it was the autism making me do those things." That would be disrespectful to other people with autism and just blatant dishonesty. I will admit and say that those were conscious actions that I made of my own accord, me allowing and enabling the impulsive thoughts to (somewhat) win. This was a situation that didn't need to happen between the two of us, and now things are more than rocky.

Oh, and then get this! Yesterday afternoon, after being on no-talking terms for about a full day (Thursday night to Friday evening), we actually get to talk about what happen. Well, it was less both of us talking and it was more my partner talking and pointing out my bullshit and me just, well, taking it. I mean, I couldn't really refute anything that was being said to me. This wasn't the first time that I allowed my impulse to get the better of me, nor could I really apologize again cause, while it would be meaningful, I couldn't guarantee that this wouldn't happen again. I'm a person of chaos, advocate for the viewership of each and every possible outcome that can happen on a quantum scale, leaning more towards the good ones, yet the bad ones always pique my curiosity. So, with no other options in which I believed I could contribute to the conversation, you wanna take a shot in the dark as to what my next actions were?

I ran away. I'm not even kidding. Imagine the most brisk walk from a living room to an office on the other side of the apartment that you can, all while keeping my head down to avoid any further eye contact. ...Yeah. I did that. Willingly if I may add.

I know, 10/10. Amazing strategy there Kaz. Encore, please. But seriously, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking at the time and I still don't know now. My usual avoidance of conflict has basically turned into a fear of conflict at this point in my life. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Nothing's gonna get better by me hiding in my office. Even when I was done for the night and put myself on the couch, my partner realized I wasn't in bed and came to get me. I could've talked about it then. Hell, I could've said something, anything. Yet, I didn't. I just rolled over and went to bed, allowing the silence to go on ever longer. Again, what does that say about us? What does that say about me? Usually at this point in the relationship, one would be asking themselves whether they're becoming a burden to their partner, but is that a question I can even ask myself? Have I ever not been a burden to them? Am I becoming a burden to both of my partners? Like I said, I could've said the smallest thing, even a "good night", but I didn't. I just...laid there and fell asleep, probably making them think that I had just forgotten about everything or just didn't care.

I'm unpredictable. I'm loud when it comes to my chaotic ideas, Yet, I'm silent when it comes to apologizing. I'm confident when it comes to my aspirations, But timid when it comes to admitting I'm wrong. I'm constantly writing, constantly thinking, constantly typing out my ideas, words in which I'll write a million of to get my imaginations across, Yet I can't find the words when they matter most. ...the fuck's wrong with you Kameron?

I've got all these big ideas, these dreams, these ambitions of what I want my life to be, where I want to be, who I want to be with. I've written miles and miles of short stories, beginnings of novels, documents within documents of world-building. I'm able to do all this, but I can never seem to find the words when they're needed to be said.

How does one say that they're sorry when they've shown otherwise?

How do I get over these feelings about myself?

[insidekaz]

Day 2: Sticking to it

Not gonna lie, I honestly didn't expect myself to make it to a second consistent day of updating this blog. If anything, I thought about dropping it when I woke up this morning. So far, I've only told two people about this blog, two of the most important people in my life about this. Why? Well, I'm still asking myself that.

I guess the bigger question past that is why, in an effort to help myself pursue my bigger and more elaborate dreams, did I return to blogging of all things?

Well, because that's where I started.

I know these post just started, so I don't expect anyone reading these to know about this right off the bat, but I did use to have a blog. It was, I believe, my first year of high school back in 2012. Back when I was nothing more than a wide-eyed freshmen with dreams of making it big in his high school years. Back when Rise Of The Guardians was the biggest movie to be released at the time. Back when the world was full of Maroon 5's Payphone and Carly Rae's Call Me Maybe.

Feel old yet?

Anyway, I ran a small anonymous blog in high school where I just vented about random shit that was happening in my life. It wasn't really anything remarkable, but I do see it as an important stepping stone towards discovering my hobby of writing about nearly anything and everything. I enjoyed the blog, sharing it only with a handful of people because, at the time, that handful were some of the closest people in my life. Again, this blog was somewhere I identified as a safe place to just be myself.

But then,

of course,

...*sigh*

Someone in the group told another out of spite. I don't remember who it was that leaked it, but my blog suddenly started getting hits in the 10's, then 20's, then hundreds. People were reading what I was writing, relating to it, leaving a moderate flood of comments about the things I had to say about the world at the time.

Yet, I still ran from it.

I didn't want that much attention. I just wanted somewhere I could run to and talk about what was on my mind, not somewhere where people could just drop in at any moment and voice their opinions about the thoughts stirring around in my head. It got particularly bad when the bad comments came rolling in. Try as I could to ignore them, I just couldn't. Eventually, after having the blog for nearly a full year, I gave up on it and deleted the whole thing. It...crushed me, but I couldn't handle the attention. Now, eleven years later, here I am again. Let's see how long this one sticks around for.

Here's what I've been listening to today. It's a little song from way back when. Have a good day, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, name it after me at least.

[insidekaz]

Man, having insomnia fucking sucks.

Hello internet. Welcome back to yet another blog where I release the thoughts that are trapped inside this rather abnormal cranium of mine. Tonight, I write to you from a rather weird setting. Instead of me typing out my post in the middle of the evening from my rather impressive custom-built computer, I instead type to you from my iPad. It’s currently 3:40 in the morning on this cold December Friday, my partner sleeping soundly next to me.

At least, I think it is.

Honestly, I��m not really sure. Luckily, I broke out the quiet keyboard to type in bed.

Anyway,

I haven’t updated this blog in a while. I could lie and say that I’ve been working on other projects, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I mean, I have been working on other stuff, but there’s been a lot less finishing projects and more starting and stopping. I mean, I’ve been working on a review script for Marmalade Is Missing for the last month and a half. I only have three or four paragraphs left to type, yet, every time I go to work on it, I tend to find myself in a sudden state of unease. Like, I’m perfectly aware that I shouldn’t fear my own creations getting out into the public. Hell, I started a blog back up on a website that I check maybe once a week. It’s really less my own views on my work and more worrying about how the world might react, if that makes any sense.

With the direction that America is going in, you can’t blame me for having these anxious thoughts about my projects. When my stuff hits the web, it isn’t going to be just me that’s going to have a small spotlight shining down on them, but also everyone affiliated with me. My partners, my alters, my friends, and anyone else that I bring on this project. Kameron Kazma’s Something Show is a project that I have somewhat ridiculously high hopes for, but I do truly believe that my work could bring the entertainment that the Internet deserves right now. I’ve been paying close attention to what’s being seen as comedic in today’s day and age. Very few people are trying to do anything original these days, most of the digital community diluting down to repost and “Loud Equals Funny” content. It almost feels like my devices have been infected with some kind of virus, one that ignores the fact that I frequently tap “Not Interested” on every piece of stolen content on TikTok so that it can force more down my throat.

Speaking of TikTok, that’s got social media on fire right now. From what I’ve seen, the TikTok Ban is still happening on January 19th of next year (2025 in case someone is reading this in the future.) Apparently ByteDance has already tried to file for an appeal to the court once, but it was quickly shot down. Word has it that the company is going to try again. I’m not going to hold my breath for too long though. If anything, I might still be able to access it on my computer whenever I want to post something. Only problem is that now I’ll have to start double editing all of my short form content so that I can still post it for both mobile users of TikTok and computer users of YouTube. Gotta keep that content flowing, ya know?

While I’m practically venting out the inner thoughts of my mind, that’s another thing that I need to maybe start worrying about now: the algorithm. I’ve always hated the idea of following treads to get a following. I’ve always been someone who likes the idea that I could make it BIG doing my own thing. I hate the idea of having to follow in the footsteps of someone else, but recent events make it seem as if I need to start paying a little more attention to what popular these days. This was already something that I was loosely aware of before, but I think I stopped taking notes when popular trends contained petty theft and purposely pissing people off to get cargo ships full of hate comments. (JelloApocolypse’s One Piece video is the best worst example of this.)

The least I could do is see what’s popular in a positive light and try to work that into my projects.

That is, of course, I get any of those projects done…

I might need to start hiring people to pester me into getting things done.

(Also, random side note, I’m listing to BRAINS! By Voltaire while I’m typing this and the gif above weirdly goes along with the song. I picked that gif, like, three or four songs back. Just a random thought.)

Alright, I’ve gotta get to bed. My partner just woke up cause its usual work alarm went off, but it has the day off. I might be in a bit of trouble in the morning for still being up at 4 A.M., so wish me luck! I’ll do my random color coding in the morning when I wake up (considering I either sleep or sit here until the sun rises.)

Stay safe out there.

-Kameron D. Kazma

P.S. Again, there’s isn’t some kind of secret code to the coloring of my post. I just like making it look weird.

Or maybe there is a code.

Not like anyone’s gonna take the time to figure it out either way…

[insidekaz]

I'm in a bit of a creative overhaul...

No, I don’t mean creative burnout, but rather a spontaneous and spiteful sensation has over the creative gears in my mind and is allowing me, for once, to actually get long-postponed products done. Of course, this randomized sense of productivity wasn't based on much personal choice, but rather the procrastinated realization of being hurt by someone I believed I could trust. As the saying goes,

To be burned by the candle once is to remember the pain forever.

At least, I think that's how it goes. Can't really remember on if I've heard it from somewhere or if I just made it up one day.

Regardless,

I've been inspired to shove all creative output to the front of my mind and banish the negative connotations I have about myself to the back of my head until... I'm ready to deal with them.

Yes, I am aware that I'm constantly prolonging the possibility of talking about my problems, but let's not focus on that right now.

This post has been sitting in my draft for about three days longer than I've wanted it to, which is a bit concerning on my part, considering that I usually get these post done same day.

I've just been s t r e s s e d if that makes any sense. I'm behind on some projects, missed deadlines on others, and now I'm just sitting her wondering. All of these ideas I have in my head, written down, and the files are all put together, probably more put together than I'll ever be. Why is creating the final product so hard? Like, I'm all hyped up to get my work out there, yet actually reaching the finish line seems to be the fucking hardest thing, if that's a relatable feeling at all.

And I already know what you're thinking: "Kaz, if you're getting this stressed about content creation, maybe it just isn't for you."

Trust me, I've already been told that several times more than I want to. This is stressful, yes, but no one said that this was going to be easy, did they? I'm not stressed cause I think I won't succeed. I've had may more people tell me that my rather unorthodox way of thinking is entertaining. Hell, maybe I'll be able to actually monetize my antics and not be living paycheck to paycheck.

It's the fear of my madness being rejected that scares the shit out of me.

It's the very idea that my crazed mind will be further alienated from society than it already is that keeps me awake at night. I take anti-psychotics, but they less allow me to take a handle on my mind and moreso make me marginally more socially acceptable for the outside world. Trust me when I say that me off of my meds is an experience that's only comedic once.

FUCK

THIS

POST

IS

LONG

Prime example as to why I don't allow myself to go on full rants like this. If I allowed myself to get all of my thoughts out, I might get the attention of either a famous author who wants to take me under their wing or a few scientist who might wanna study me to see just how I tick on the inside. I better hop off for now. Might come back in a few days, might not. Don't worry, I'm not going to go and do something stupid. If I do, I'm sure someone who cares is gonna find me alive.

[insidekaz]

Me: *minding my own business at work.*

Customer: *Walks up to me, no greeting* Cock.

Me: …Pardon me?

Customer: *once more, with emphasis.* Cock.

Me: *talks a second to process.* Oh! You mean

(I swear, my head sometimes…)

[insidekaz]

It's Been 4 Months...

First off, let me start off with a classic "Howdy everyone." It's me, your favorite enby who's the envy of every man, woman, and other on how I wear my beanie. (I mean, it's less of a beanie and more like an elongated stocking cap, but who's really fact-checking here?) I know that it's been a good four month since I've made any kinds of update here, which I do believe an explanation is in order for such. I'll just give you the quick TLDR:

October:

Started Unemployment

Got laid off, haven't been called back since, so they're probably not going to call me back

Excessively cleaned the apartment

November:

Still unemployed

Fully accepted that I'm not getting called back, expanding job hunting searching to a wider range

Looked into remote jobs I can do from home

Stopped excessively cleaning

December:

FINALLY GOT A JOB AT A HARDWARE STORE

Christmas

Got a new alter, their name being Source (alter #10)

New Year's

Back to work again

This brings us up to speed for January, specifically today being January 30th, where just before 8 this morning I was unceremoniously fired by one of the two managers that work there. I've never wanted to make any of my blog post rant post, nor am I going to start now. What I am going to say, however, that I was fired for what I believe were bullshit grounds, said reasons that were given to me being listed below.

I missed the third day I was suppose to work, reason being that the two days before hand they had me carrying lawnmowers, weed trimmers, and other heavy lawn care equipment up two flights of stairs for eight hours a day. This resulted in my already bad knee getting worse and me needing to purchase a bracer for my knee

What he described as my "general attitude" towards him. When I asked him to clarify on that, he refused to do so, telling me that "he shouldn't have to explain."

Afterwards, I was escorted to the back room to grab my things, given my most recent paycheck by the assistant manager (who was also taken by surprise), and then escorted by the manager out the back door where we take out the trash, door closed swiftly behind me. (I wasn't even given the usual "wish you the best" schtick that other businesses will hit you with.)

Now listen, I don't wanna play the race card, but if I were to list all the minor incidents and slight verbal altercations that happened between the two of us, it would be clearly outlined that said manager did have very glaring negative details of his personality. Honestly, the fact that he waited until after I had changed into my work vest and already made my way to the cashier at the front of the store only to turn me back around and kick me out says a thing or two. He always did like to blatantly waste my time.

So, where does this leave me exactly? Well, as of right now, I'm currently unemployed. I've got about 4 and a half hundred with this paycheck that they gave me, another 6 bands dropping into my account next week, and about 2 hundred in my checking as we speak. I've got enough towards bills and such for a at least a bit. I'm still living with my partner, so not everything is terrible.

Still, I'm not gonna turn into one of those guys that just sits at home and refuses to get a job. My partner is already starting to pull 10+ hours at the factory so that all of our income isn't going straight to bills and other necessities, which I do feel terrible about. They keep telling me that "it isn't my fault", but I can't help but still feel like it is, ya know? They shouldn't have to pull extra hours just so that we can get by. I've already started looking into a new job, applications already starting to be filled out the moment that I got home and sat at my computer. I'm gonna find another job soon, hopefully by the end of this week. I'll try to keep this blog updated with more life changes in the future.

Here's what I've been listening to. As always, don't do anything I wouldn't do. If you do, at least make it cool.

[insidekaz]

Lost my job today for bullshit reasons

Just when I thought I was getting a hold of this adulting stuff too, just when I thought everything was starting to mellow out and I would be able to take it slow for a bit, reality really just had to slap me in the face like that, huh?

Let me back track a bit and start off with my usual greetings. Hello everyone, Kaz here. I'm just your local internet nobody who has big dreams but even bigger panic attacks on a daily basis. I'm the type of enby who spends most of their days working hard for someone else while fantasizing about working for myself. I have an update video I've been meaning to make, I have Twitch assets I've been meaning to finish, I have writing that I've been meaning to hop back on, and all of it has been placed on an immediate halt as of late.

(Okay Kaz, now you're just starting to sound dramatic...)

I'll cut the excess fat of the beef here. I got fired from my factory job today. "Why?" is probably what you're asking. Well, long story short, it's because of the big ol' UAW strike that's currently going on. It's affecting a lot of automotive companies, my former one included. Because of this, my last job decided to let go a lot of people, explaining it to me as an "extended lay off" until further notice, the cherry on that collapsing sundae being that I would be getting a call from H.R. sometime between the next few days to within the next two weeks on whether or not they'll be able to find a position for me. To anyone else, that sounds like a

Fantastic Extended Vacation From Work!

...but I know when to take a hint when it hits me. I admit, I may be oblivious to most things that happen around me, but this was a pretty blatant sign to file for unemployment and start job hunting. The most bullshit thing about the whole ordeal is that they decided to pull me aside and let me go a good 8 hours into my 10 hour shift, specifically doing it about five-ish minutes before my last break. I couldn't bring myself to call my partner to tell them the news, nor sit around for two hours and wait for them to come and pick me up, so I dragged my angry ass home on my own two feet, cursing that factory, the management, and the matter of the existence of the whole situation. The only curtesy they did for me was allowing me to using the front exit instead of the side exit so that no one had to basically watch me take the walk of shame.

Thus here I am, sitting at my computer, blogging my feelings away to a Tumblr blog that I'm happy no one sits down and reads. Trust me, there hasn't really been anything too interesting so far. I'm just some guy who complains about his life to anyone who's willing to listen. Even then, I still hold my complaints back. My partner was entirely understanding of the whole ordeal, so my fear of them leaving me because of this has quickly subsided, but I can't help but feel like I'm still an overall failure. I mean, sure, I didn't exactly enjoy the job, but I'd rather be doing something I hate for money than be doing nothing at all. It's currently 3 in the morning when I'm typing this. My partner is sleeping in the bedroom, so I'm probably gonna take the couch and try my best not to wake them up. Today, I rest. Tomorrow, I start job hunting. By Friday, I should either have landed a job or at least have an interview set up to start a new one. Let's just hope everything works out.

Here's what I'm listening to today. I listened to it on my way home from work, and it surprisingly lifted my spirits a bit. Still not sure what the lyrics mean, but now I have time to dissect them. I wish you all a good day, and a wish that you don't do anything stupid. If you do, at least name it after me, especially if it was stupid and cool.

[insidekaz]

I've stopped doing the daily blog post

Okay, the title's actually a bit wrong. What I meant to say is that I've stopped holding myself to doing daily blog post. It was starting to feel more like, well, a chore than a way for me to relieve stress and express my thought. Less my choice and more like an obligation, even though I know no one's reading these besides myself.

Now then, what's been new with me? What's happened in the world of Kaz since I've last made a blog post? Well, work's been horrible like always, yet I still woke it cause $17.80/hour is a good enough bribe to work my 10 hour long days. Nothing much I can complain about there. At least, nothing outside of what most people can say when they complain about their jobs, sleep depravity included.

Off work activities have escalated a tad bit. The Kazma Frightfest has started on my Twitch channel. This is a yearly "event" that I do on my channel where I replace some of my scheduled games with more spooky, horror, or somewhat Halloween related games. This year, my schedule consist of In Sound Mind on Tuesdays, Baldur's Gate 3 on Wednesdays, and Spooky Indie Games on Fridays. Friday's game was suppose to be Dead Space on PS5, but with the current strike against big game development studios going on, Electronic Arts being one of those studios, and since EA made Dead Space...

Game plans for Fridays were changed up on the fly, today being the first Spooky Indie Friday. Full honest: It didn't go well. Dead Estate was the first game I played, picked Mumba as my character, and then proceeded to fail the a grand total of 5 different times. I ended up getting professionally frustrated, as in I laughed it off and accepting defeat, before going to break and starting the second game.

(Christ that's a horny gif.)

Second game today was Helltaker, a puzzle indie game where you're a man who goes to hell to form a harem with demon girls, Satan included. It's a pretty fun game, I highly recommend it to anyone who has, like, an hour of time to kill, and it's free. Personally, I enjoyed the game a lot. Justice is my favorite of all the demon girls. She's a blind lady with cool vibes and sunglasses. Like I said, I recommend it to anyone who has time to kill on any bored afternoon.

That's it for today. Tomorrow consist of spending time with my significant other and possibly some chores. I'm not sure. I had the say off of work today, so I got a lot of cleaning done. Here's the music that I've been listening to today. I'm putting the live performance version of this song since I consider it the best. I hope you all have a good one, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, at least name it after me.

[insidekaz]

Day 5: So, I Missed A Day.

Let's be honest with ourselves here. I missed one day, but did keep up with it for the last four. I had a bit of an outing yesterday, and arrived home tired beyond recognition. Can one really blame me for my outdoor adventures?

Real talk, what did I do yesterday. Well, I woke up early, attended D&D at my close friend's place. Funny enough, we've had this running joke going where both my best friend and my partner will both answer me simultaneously because they both share the same first name. Starts getting complicated when I start calling one pet names while telling the other to simply fuck off. I'll let you take a guess on which I say to which.

Afterwards, we headed out to play some more of that Monster Hunter Now app game that Niantic put out. Honestly, it's pretty fun. Got all of the boys to join in while my partner waited in the car. It took about 2 or 3 hours to get everything and fight all the monsters that we wanted to. Not to brag, but I'm feel pretty solid in the game as is. Already got my HR to level 21 or something'd close to that at the time of this. Not super high up there, but it's pretty good.

That's all that happened yesterday. Thinking about it, it was probably the most active Sunday I've had in a long time. Again, I apologize for missing an update yesterday. I was just out getting my steps in. Honestly, I'm feeling a bit tired as I'm typing this. Might get some bit of a nap in before my night activities. I worked ten hours today and I need some rest.

Here's what I'm listening to today. I wish you all a good day, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, at least name it after me.

[insidekaz]

Day 4: A Saturday Of Cleaning

It's currently 12:34 AM as I'm typing this, so technically it's Sunday. However, I don't care. I'm still counting this as my Saturday post.

So, what did I accomplish today? Well, I woke up around 8 AM or so this morning and started cleaning the house, starting with the living room. My significant other got laundry together and took it to our local laundromat, so I was alone for most of the morning until about a quarter to noon when they returned. The living room isn't quite big, but it was somewhat cluttered, so it took a fair bit to organize, dust, clean and vacuum. Luckily, I had a couple of records that fit the cleaning mood to help pass the time.

After that, my partner got home, but then had to leave again so that they could take their girlfriend to a yard sale thing, (We're both polyamorous. Forgot to mention that before.), thus leaving me alone once again for a couple of ours. I passed the time by taking a nice calming bubble bath with this new bubble soap I found at the Kroger's by my house. I think I feel asleep for a bit while I was in the tub, but luckily caught myself before I had any chance to unconsciously drown myself. Washed, dried, living room, Pokémon. That exact order until my partner got home.

Also, I know in my previous post that I said I'd do it in a couple of days, but I kinda fucked around and made the announcement for my shitty tees early. I'll drop the link at the end of this post, probably below my daily music recommendation. The shirts aren't anything super impressive, just various unhinged and concerning text messages between my friends and myself. You'll be able to tell which text are mine. Like I said, they aren't anything I expect to make it spectacularly viral, just entertaining to a few people. Shirts are unisex and only cost 20$, while hoodies, also unisex, cost 32$. Sizes for both go up to 5T, and they aren't like those other online exclusive deals. They'll only become unavailable if I ever decided to stop selling them, which won't happen anytime soon. Sorry if the prices still seem a bit high. That's the lowest Teespring let's me put the tee-shirts. Apparently, I can't opt out of making a profit. Like I said, link will be below in case anyone reading my inner thoughts are interested. Who knows, maybe I'll add more in the future.

Here's what I'm listening to today. It's a newer song compared to what I've put up so far, but this is my favorite rendition of the song. I wish you all a good day, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, at least name it after me.

[insidekaz]

Day 3: Part 2 of 2 - Meeting Some Expectations

So, based off of the list that I made earlier, how much did I manage to actually finish?

Well, I streamed a second time, a good ol' two hours of Pikmin (the Switch version, not the classic GameCube), got a decent amount of cleaning done. It really was only the kitchen and the main singular hallway in my house, but it was some cleaning. Personal writing? I haven't gotten to that yet. Might get to that tomorrow or Sunday. My t-shirt designs are done and live. I'll share a link here in a couple days or so when I make the announcement to my socials. Finally, working on D&D stuff is going to happen soon after this. I just need to finish some builds for a friend of mine and work on another NPC for my personal campaign I'm running, this one being a full Druid instead of being some mixture of classes.

All things considered, I got a good chunk of work done today.

Does this mean the blog is working? I'm...not really sure. It would be better to say that it's helping me hold myself accountable for plans I arrange for myself instead of being a place for me to express my thoughts on my actions about the day. I'm not saying that accountability is a bad thing. What I am saying, however, is that I don't want to be the only reason this blog exist. To the outside world, I'm just a guy talking about his day. From my perspective, I'm an idiot who needs to learn how to help himself before helping other people with their plans. I guess you could call it an addiction of sorts to just want to help those around me and put smile on their faces.

I know why I do it, so it's not a problem I'm choosing to ignore. The reason why my attitude is as such is to go against the teachings of mother. She tried to teach me - really drill it into my head - that people only survive in this world by being selfish and taking care of themselves first. Try as she must, I couldn't get past how the adults around me looked so miserable in their daily lives. They followed similar ideals as my mother, yet they didn't seem to be happy because of it. Since that day, I've made it my life's mission to make people smile whenever I can. This may also be the reason for my destructive optimism sometimes.

As the years have gone on, I've tried my best to keep the smile on my face. I'm 25 now, almost thirty, the world having rapidly changed since the days of young. I won't lie, I've been depressed for considerably long amount of time now, but I'm slowly finding my way back to those dreams that made me smile when I was younger.

Maybe that's what this blog is. It's me taking those old dreams and renewing them once more. We'll just see where this takes us.

Here's what I'm listening to today. Have a good day, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, name it after me.

[insidekaz]

Day 3: Part 1 of 2(?)

My original plan was to add entries to this at the end of my day. Yet, considering that I haven't done much today (besides sleeping), I might as well type one out to keep myself on track with my plans for today.

So what have I done today? I woke up earlier than I usually do to stream, then fucked around online, not really focusing on one thing, but about an hour before passing out in my bed. To be honest, I don't quite remember what I've done between ending my stream and my partner coming home. My plans for today where as such:

Stream Baldur's Gate 3

Do some cleaning around the house for about an hour

Do some personal writing

Work on t-shirt designs

Work on D&D stuff

Wait for [significant other's name] to get home from work

Yet, I accomplished basically none of that. Once again, I just zoned out and existed on auto-pilot for god knows how long and wasted a good portion of my day away.

Thus, that brings us to here. I guess this is less publicly shaming myself for my lack of progress today, and more of clearing my head of self-loathing, even if a small bit of it shall exist after I'm done with this post. Will there be another one later? Possibly. Depends greatly on how much self-management I'm going to hold myself to for the remaining hours of sunlight and my further consciousness into the night. Perhaps my inability to keep myself to a more active schedule (or practically just a to-do list) is because my usual schedule does consist of me just zoning out and doing whatever until I pass out and wake up the next morning. It'll take some dedication, but I'll have to break my usual routine to adhere to this new one. Let's just hope I don't give up too soon.

Here's what I'm listening to today. I have many dishes to take care of, so I'll be back later. Have a good day and don't do anything stupid. If you do, at least name it after me.

[insidekaz]

Back on Tumblr, but why?

Howdy internet. It's me, Kaz, your everyday entity who acts entirely on either impulse or emotion. Never really thought I'd ever come back on this website again, much less decide to actually make a blog that may someday be interesting to read. Reason for doing so? Call it...self-discipline perhaps. I have dreams, big ones, dreams that I've been told several times over I'll never accomplish. I'm beginning to think that, perhaps, I've been giving into those beliefs. I'm aware that I've been slacking. Alright, I'm aware that I've been greatly procrastinating (didn't know I could put things in italics on this website), and I've been trying to get better at it. I have a good handful of people cheering me on, and I don't wanna let them down. I wanna at least make (wow, bold too?) an attempt to get myself out there.

I guess it would be rude to make a first post and not introduce myself. My name is Kameron Kazma, but my friends and everyone else call me Kaz, probably since it's shorter and easier to remember. I enjoy streaming, writing, playing video games, being asexual, and obsessing over (personally) underrated video game franchises, as you can tell by my cover photo. I spend my mornings working, my afternoons clocking out, my evenings with one or both of my partners, and my nights streaming or engaging in some other activity for the enjoyment of both myself and a small crowd of people. All around, I'm...average I guess? As average as anyone who submits to being a hermit inside, keeping to themself and their eight personalities inside of their head. Yes, eight of them. A full audience, but that's a story for another day. Maybe when I get more comfortable putting myself out there.

Here's what I've been listening to today. Have a good day, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, name it after me at least.