#i know its not true but im angry at myself that i just cant draw shit anymore | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kashimos-hajime · 4 years ago

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no regrets (8/8) | r.b.

summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.

WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :) pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 6.7k

a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.

I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.

What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.

You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.

Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care.

I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.

Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.

im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I

Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.

I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.

Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.

I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up.

Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time.

I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that.

wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.

Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.

Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.

My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.

I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but

With love,

Rienr

You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.

You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.

They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.

“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.

“You made it out alive,�� Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms.

“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”

“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”

“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”

Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.

When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.

You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.

Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone.

“For your services to the Survey Corps.”

There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.

“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile.

The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.

Distantly, he remembers flashes.

Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.

How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.

He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.

How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.

When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.

“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”

Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted.

Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.

Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.

The ring. You’re wearing it. You…

For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.

“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.

“So are you.”

And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing.

Maybe they are.

He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.

Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.

You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”

Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”

Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”

Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows.

“Okay.”

When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it?

It has to be.

You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.

But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality.

The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him.

He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing.

Why him?

As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.

“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”

“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”

And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.

Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.

Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.

Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.

And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.

“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”

The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.

“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”

And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.

Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.

There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up.

Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.

Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks.

For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.

Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.

Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field.

It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.

Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.

He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.

“Eren… where are we?”

“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”

A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.

“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”

His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.

And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”

Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.

Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.

“Marco! Sasha!”

Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.

He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—

“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.

Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop.

Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—

You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.

Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.

He’s gone.

A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.

“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.

Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.”

His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.

Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you.

“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”

Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything.

You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.

He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.

It’s over.

The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.

Just like he promised.

You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.

[THREE YEARS LATER]

Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing.

Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner.

How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.

And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.

Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.

But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.

Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach.

Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.

Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.

Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.

“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years.

“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.

A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”

“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.

“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.

“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”

“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.

Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.

Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.

“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise.

“To protect the both of us,” you explain.

“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”

You nod. “Listen to Levi.”

“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”

This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.

As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.

And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.

“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.

So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.

Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.

Hope for the future, and all that.

She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.

“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”

“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”

“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”

You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.

Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.

“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.”

Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off.

You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.

If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.

You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.

Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.

“You guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you.

“I think it’s charming.”

She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head.

“Soon may the Wellerman come…”

A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.

Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.

Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.

She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.

You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.

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antiloreolympus · 3 years ago

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9 Anti LO Asks

1. Alright I get exaggeration in drawing characters and maybe I just noticed but Hades ears look huge in the latest chapters????? I draw myself but it’s so noticeable and huge it looks terrible. Also the shade of red of Persephones eyes looks terrible, she should have done like a pale red or just not do “red eyes for coolness” it just looks terrible and doesn’t add anything to Persephone design at the end of the day

2. Like I still do enjoy bits and pieces of LO, I’m interested to know how it’s gonna end, but Im just constantly disappointed in the writing now

3. I’m the latest non fast pass chapter I still can’t take Persphone seriously. Idk if it’s the writing or whatever but RS just puts certain plot points at a halt. The last cliff hanger “am I a fertility goddess” and in the next chapter We don’t get answers we’re looking for might as well of not made that a cliff hanger if Demeter want going to give us much. Persphone asking if a fertility goddess means there’s a “few extra carrots” was the dumbest line. Was she being sarcastic? I can’t tell because the fascial expressions are often drawn a little weird. If Persphone is the “straight A” smart student she is, I would think she’d have more critical thinkng skills of why Demeter is hiding the fertility goddess status. Idk I think if RS is gonna write cliff hangers like that she should make sure those questions get answered not dodged or else Dont hype that scene up

4. Oook I have a wicked dumb theory that’s either far from happening or ACTUALLY happening. So remember in that one episode where RS left open another can of worms in ep. 148 at the very end where Kronos was a whole ass skeleton just saying “well well well”. I think that Persephone’s gonna turn giant again and maybe try to fight Kronos if he escapes and she might be all like “YoU cAnT hUrT hIm AnYmOrE!!” And judging by the art style, it’s gonna look goofy as hell and it’s gonna be another “yasaas queen gettem!!!” Moment. I can’t with this goofy ass comic Dx

5. lmao you guys werent kidding about the pom pin, it looks so out of place and passed on. its literally a circle with some spikes on top, how is that so hard to draw a few times over? my god rachel is lazy and overworking her poor team. then again their names arent on it, so why would they care if its bad? let rachel take the fall for it.

6. its not even an ancient greece thing but rather basic history that the rich and powerful did not wear white, their MO was always to show off they had money to afford fancy threads and dyes, so they'd always want colors and elaborate designs instead of undecorated white. maybe shes trying to base it off marble statues, but its well known by now that even those were brightly painted and colonizers from england actually whitewashed them for an aesthetic, so idk where her research is in any of this.

7. idk man maybe its just me but youd think a series that is trying to force a glamorous idea would actually put in the effort for the clothes to look nice, but instead theyre all just boring flat cloth and thats it. no pattens, no accessories, not even interesting cuts or folds or even different colors instead of "white" (its just pink or grey) or black. even in the beginning it tried to make up for it with sparkles to give the illusion of shine, but now it doesnt even bother with that.

8. White didn't even become a thing for brides until Queen Victoria was married in 1840, thousands of years after the timeframe of LO, so why would they have that symbolism in Persephone? More so, as other anon pointed out, Greek weddings especially loved yellow and reds for brides, so why would she be in plain white? Then again the gods of LO somehow have Versailles and 1980s American fashion before either country existed, so RS doesn't care to be accurate in mythology or basic history it seems.

-----FP Spoilers-----

9. Very true on the FP stuff. I think comedic use of a person being a bit jealous of their partners closeness to another can usually be done fine when it’s used not too seriously and the topic is moved on from quickly., but hades instead is just so mean and cruel to hermes for what, having an actual chemistry and friendship with persephone that wasn’t forced on by others and with her dependent on him? esp Bc we know how violently possessive hades is of her for no reason, so what could have been playful jealousy under a better writer is instead him being an asshole about it. persephone being jealous over hera was not done well but it at least made a little sense in the context (doesn’t make it good context) and she didn’t lash out at the people in question, but hades just looks like he’s legit angry persephone has a life and relationships outside of him. i think Rachel was going for “romantically possessive” (which isn’t romantic but go off) but instead he just looks like a creep.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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shiaawtheharmless · 22 days ago

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hey, first of all; took me a while to answer cuz i got a pretty bad fever and im still feeling a little queasy, so im just going to try to make this as short a possible cuz i need a little bit more rest.

no, i didnt mix words, if you think i did do that, they maybe u are the one who doesnt know how to read.

after the ball thing, there was no other suggestive message that I made intentionally because the users on the server made me aknowledge it and I took the L, and after that I did say at the end that I'll keep that stuff for myself. Also saw that u said that I failed to censor someone's username, I went back to my Images and didnt see any uncensored username, so to be honest, i dont really know what are you talking about.

the whole """""racist"""""" thing its just the way it is, its a word and it will stay like that because thats how it is, we can't just say that word and easily think that "ghetto" is "Leaning into black stereotypes" because that makes it more sterotypical. Ghettos are suburbs where people with least opportunities live, but that doesnt mean only black people have to live there. I dont even know why i am arguing with this, since this part is pretty stupid to even argue.

Also, you said that I replied to a Dominican…I really don't know what are you trying to say here. At some point of that sentence, sounds that you are trying to give him some kind of like "Pass"?. I mean if that's how you are going, Then Im Mexican, I guess.

Also, damn chill, why do you want to knock me over? I was angry at my post but I never threaten anyone on the post, you need to chill really fucking fast.

You said also that I hardly apologized, And it's true, but It makes me feel so sad that people now put names on feelings and naming them as "Guilt Tripping" and "Suicide Baits". Although it's understandable that feeling like this on public may kinda be uncomfortable for the people around - Public places can also include discord - It also makes me see that people just see it just like that and not think what the person is going through, because people just dont react like that, I dont talk only about me, but I talk to every people that has expressed themselves like that and people around them just want that person to forgive them, which is kinda fucked up, people prefer the comfort on a place rather that helping another person.

Also the reason I watched the Spoilers, it's because that although I never played any of the games, Im also not interested on finishing them on some way, or watch some playthrough of the game. I like to see what people draw and I like seeing people drawing.

Also, about the animatic, why dont YOU use common sense? I don't think it total rape, like, If it was that bad, I guess i wouldnt have used it, But seriously, Ligthen up, You cant be real.

Also I dont know wtf you mean "a joke about SA", sorry. And, finally, wtf you mean It doesnt belong to CalebCity? lt does.

btw, I said "Damn!", just to make it quicker and not to try to do drama, because I know kids like you love drama.

btw, i bet you dont even know half of the words you just said when you mentioned "4chan Edgelord" and other stupid aah stuff.

If you think I haven't changed, Cool I guess. The reason I mentioned that It was months ago, was because they couldve just done this callout months ago, Idk why they decided to do it rn, Maybe just to get that special dish from the menu called "Drama" that yall new gens like.

well, at the end, you sounded like those "4Chan Edgelords" you mentioned since you want to hit in the head lmao, and get a original "Farewell" at the end of your posts, dont copy me.

@c4mellia

What in the actual fuck lmao (pls read everything lmao if u want)

so, im just noticing about this, i never knew someone made a damn callout post about me for about 2 days now and now that im checking there is some really wrong stuff here, some of them are just taking out of context, while others have like...really dumb stuff.

before i continue, i wanna let yall know that those images date way back (maybe not too back) like around 3 or 4 months, around august and not only I AM RESPONSIBLE for those act, i did apologize to these people, which at the end they didnt get the message thru and never knew, mostly cuz i fowarded this message thru the owner of the server, and not trying to do it in-server, heres the evidence of my apology and the date of it.

its really easy for everyone to take everything with different meaning and put it on the internet to fuck someone over, but we are going to talk about that later, rn imma tell yall a story about this;

months ago, i was getting some problems, mostly problems with the school (which im not getting much into) that were frustrating me, because i normally get the habit of always draw and post my content on tumblr everyday or atleast 3 times a week, i never refrain of making content for my small audience and i wouldnt never stop. Around that time i joined a specific server, i was still getting a lil frustrated but i still managed to hold on my emotions at some extent. Putting it simple, i was just not getting sleep and it was easy for me to break, and that what happened, and at the end i got banned, which i totally took the L and went back defeated.

that was months ago, and this guy post this thing like it just happened (probably not, but he never addressed it).

and other stuff happened (the reblog of @clydeswob)

yeah, i did that, and ngl, that kinda stuff often happens on the internet and tbh, i cant take that shit seriously, on that occassion i was laughing a bit, but i realized this guy was genuine so i kinda went ligth on him but still said that he needed to search that stuff.

there was also that guy called "Ethan", just saying, i was actually not cool with that guy because it started insulting @clydeswob, which i didnt at the end.

and this guy said that i was talking bout politics....seriously??? i dont see a gram of politics on there lmao. anyways

back to the other callout, i wanna resolve each damn screenshot that was censored and screenshotted in a way that yall can get a different story.

The first point calls out about me doing suggestive stuff, which yeah its suggestive, i get it, but they never told who i was replying to.

the OP's version of the screenshot is something like this

yall see something? theres a middle text all censored here, no reason other than maybe just covering up the guy's identity, but it kinda uncalled that you had to censor the message. In this image i was replying to that guy, that also said something kinda NSFW (not blaming him) that i replied to. heres the OG image.

yeah, it still suggestive, and you may say like; "oH bUt tHeRe wEre mInOrs!".

kinda, you see, that server has around just 90 minors, and the rest of the damn server are damn adults, and although this doesnt change that (sadly) there was a possible minor in there, on the date that this message was sent, there were no any present damn kids in there. But still at the end, people told told me to tone down, which i aknowledged but these people dont actually address it again.

if you dont belive, heres the profile of the guy i replied, and most of the users on there, had the same role and the same ager or higher

other point was that i was being racist????

ok lmao

first of all, i never intended to be racist, neither say anything stereotypical.

and second and final, ghetto i just a word.

if you think the ghetto word is only associated with black people stereotypes, then well....thats kinda of ironic dont you think?. Not every black people live in a Ghetto, Ghetto is just a word and that doesnt mean that every black people lives in there, so like err....you kinda dropped the ball of dipshit in there.

3rd point and the most outrageous cuz it was a damn misunderstanding.

So, before i say this, i need to say that im not a total sam and max nerd, i only played "Hit the Road" and saw the cartoons, but i never played the Telltale games (totally not cuz im broke lmao).

in this point, the OP say im making a remark of a damn kid, which is Sammun-Mak. I never seen that character (I swear for my mom and everything) in my life, and this what i replied to.

first of all, that damn tall man on the rigth is a damn kid???? when i saw it for the first time, i tougth that guy was a man, fr. and when i searched the guy, i finded out hes way smaller than that and everything was a missunderstanding, but i also never meant to say that to that ugly ass mf, i meant Max, cuz i dont even know that character.

wanna say rq that im not blaming the artist behind this, im just saying that the way he drew it, made me tougth it was a damn real king, like and adult, and since people like to shit on anyone easily, they didnt even tougth to understand the error and easily called me out as a damn....word...that word, which im totally not dude, yall fucking tweaking.

and last, the animatic post

ok, yall dumb.

Its easy to think that the video is based on....errr....rape??? wtf

why that word comes into your mind first when u see that kind of video????? u ok bro? cuz on reddit and other places i dont see people addressing it as you do.

going back a little into the story of this, i posted this on the sam and max club server, which at the end got deleted cuz it was innapropiate, i said like; "ok it was, i tougth people would get it, but ok" and i took the L cuz ik not everyone likes seeing stuff like that.

but then later after that i got striked and then banned, which was all uncalled for, and i never got DM's of the Mods of that server to explain me what the fuck happened. I tried to contact them, but at the end i decided not, cuz i tougth they would never answer (which they still dont).

going back to the present. wtf dude?

the audio of the video is based of a Vine Video around 2016 created by a guy made "Caleb City". It's easy for yall not to know videos that are this old, but seriously, before u start saying shit like this, pls research the audio, and if you have a problem with the audio, why dont you try to talk to CalebCity himself? tf.

Conclusion...well

I cant lie, the messages were real, but whats wrong is that the OP is trying to totally fuck me over messages that are not only months old, but also carry a different story. Its easy to do this kind of things in the Internet whenever they are real, or not, and its way easier, when the OP of the post DIDNT TAG YOU ON THE POST AND BLOCKED YOU SO YOU COULDNT SEE THE POST

I doubt this guy did it as an accident, cuz when i see the ping of my username it goes like @/shiaawtheharmless instead of @shiaawtheharmless, which when posted, notifies the user to the post, and also because he blocked me.

This is a really dickish move of your part @unprofessionalclownery. Its really easy for people like u talk behind others backs while they arent noticing, and it way easier when its on internet, and you probably didnt had the balls to ping me because you know this is wrong, so please, step off bitch (yeah).

Im not apologizing when I already did, and im not apologizing for my behavior in this post because its totally unacceptable that someone talks shit behind me when im not noticing. Also, i have to make some points so yall understand where i come from.

Im Mexican, and im 18yr, and im on college, im omw on the 4th semester. My career is about learning english, and as you suspect, yes im a ESL. Maybe my English is on point, but since im not a English native and neither a Pro English Talker, i can have mistakes over time (something that i didnt address on other servers, but now im doing it because its something that i need you all know).

just that, i dont think yall need to know anything bout me.

If you really think im bad, go for it, idc

If you dont, thanks ig, but idc neither cuz you still belived it at the first time instead of questioning urself.

peace.

#🤷🏽‍♀️#sam and max

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ankhisms · 2 years ago

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hmm just musing about my thoughts under the cut im doing alright tho no worries ❤️

i was able to draw some yesterday but ended up once again feeling very frustrated and unhappy with my work, along with looking back on older art and feeling embarrassed/ashamed/unhappy with how it looks. im always kind of plagued with the feeling of never doing enough and always have this kind of pressure on me feeling like i always need to be doing more than i am, despite me being aware of both my physical and mental limitations which results in me often pushing myself past those limits and being in physical and mental pain & exhaustion.. which then leads me to feeling like im missing out on time when im resting even though i NEED to rest and its just a vicious cycle. i really would like to draw some again today but i dont want to push myself too hard and also am a little scared of looking at my art and feeling angry with how it looks and being unhappy with it. i keep thinking to myself "im 24, ive been drawing my whole life, why isnt this better? why am i not better at this? why is there not more that i can do?" and also have the same thoughts when it comes to my other creative works such as acting and writing. but i have to forgive myself and remember that ive struggled a lot in the past and still continue to struggle and im allowed to mourn the time that was stolen from me due to abuse and the time i was unable to create due to my mental and physical health. i want to be kinder to my past selves and be kinder to myself in the present. im becoming more aware of just how much i doubt myself and how little confidenece and belief in myself that i have. and while its difficult to build up confidence and belief in myself while i am still stuck in my toxic home environment with no real opportunities i still have to try, because im aware that this lack of confidence seeps into everything else i do. i want to draw and act and write because theyre things i love and things that are a part of my soul and i want to enjoy doing them and to be able to look at my work and be actually proud of it, or if i cant be proud of it i can at least acknowledge my growth and how hard i try. sometimes recently ive felt that maybe im not REALLY trying hard enough, that maybe im not trying at all, but upon reflection i know thats not true and someone else doing their best will look different than me doing my best and trying my hardest due to our different lives and different limitations. anyway. i want to try. and i want to be kinder to myself. im going to try drawing today anyway even if i feel bad about how it looks. thanks if you read this, i hope youre well ❤️

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mingot-studios · 4 years ago

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Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50��s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the�� end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

#the owl house #yume 2kki #thurston waffles #star vs the forces of evil #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #jojolion #one piece #vent #save infinity train #infinity train #amphibia #gravity falls #the crypto club #invader zim #Princess Ovilium Midorihato Metamorphosis Androma Serugi The First #Princess Ovil

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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grief makes me think such bitter thoughts. i think she (mine, not yours of course) had it so easy. got in bed, injected herself, peacefully went without even knowing. now im here debating what will leave the least gruesome corpse bc i dont want to traumatize nobody. now im feeling trapped bc another death im going to throw on my loved ones?it seems so bc life is imposssible. but how easy she fucking had it. i dont even want to see her again after im gone. i hate her for trapping me in this hell

i know what you mean. i'm the same. at least, i'm at a total loss as to how she just went to sleep and never woke up. and now i'm in this hell version of reality without her, now i'm going to have to deal with a whole lifetime without her. bc of one messed up choice she made. it doesn't even feel like something that should be possible. i feel cheated and indignant like a little kid. honestly, grief makes you think and feel all sorts of things. you don't have to justify or explain any of them to anyone. the process of managing it is not a linear, fast or simple one. these emotions come and go in new ways, in cycles, in memories, in avalanches. and the only thing we can do is sit with them. it's fucking awful. personally, i am just trying to accept being completely and utterly and irreparably ruined. i'm trying to understand that there is no way out, and that i have a right to be fucking angry. you have a right to be angry. every time i talk out loud to my sister i end lecturing her like a pissed off teacher, or just apologising over and over. it doesn't help, but i've got nothing left to lose by trying these things - screaming at her, drawing her, breaking completely. wrote her a letter for the first time today too. none of this means i'm coming to terms, in fact every day i feel worse in a different manner. don't know if its the same for you.

it's hard with drugs because you cant help going over it all in your head. it's not fully an illness, not fully an accident. you can't help just wanting to shake the person and make them truly listen to you. you cant help feeling completely incredulous. i also see it the same way, as if i'm trapped. i am trapped. i kept saying i wasn't going to kill myself after she died because like you, i didn't want to throw another death at my family. i still don't. they would buckle under the weight of this pain x 2, and i wouldn't blame them. i understand that, so i'm trying to stick around because now that i've experienced this i cant imagine causing it. i don't want to stay, but i have to for the moment. no long term commitments. just knowing i have to deal with tomorrow. and that's all it takes, the awareness of having no option but to wake up in the short term, to minimize the potential grief of your death. you discard the option because it isn't one, no matter how desperate you are. if that makes you even angrier, that's understandable. i hope you can keep trying, too. just in general. try to go on. try not to think about the far future, what you're going to do, how you're going to cope. truth is you probably won't know until you're in the situation. i know this is the last thing you want to hear and i also feel entirely misunderstood when people say it to me, but please don't act drastically. if you feel like you're at risk of harming yourself, please let your family know, or a professional/hotline. for your sake, and the sake of your loved ones. talking about it is like cleansing a wound. awful, necessary, you know. while people may not fully understand, they do to an extent and it can help a little to accept that you're not alone in your grief. even just to say it all out loud, and to break down and be witnessed in your break down, can temporarily alleviate the weight. i know we're going to carry this forever, and it's never really going to get better. but people do keep telling me the things that trigger that intense feeling of total devastation/rage lessen with time. people keep telling me you learn to keep the person around, that you learn to continue on your relationship with them despite their death. even if it'll never be the same ever again. idk how true any of it is, i just know it's worth it for you to get through today, just to see for yourself. it's normal to be angry, dude. they left us here in the most impossible, unbearable, imaginable situation without any form of escape. no one would blame you for being bitter for the rest of your life, and it's okay if you are. it'll grow and change as you grow and change, even if in some form it always remains. it's also okay if the feeling eventually dissolves into something else. ultimately there's no wrong way to do this. every moment that you continue forward is, in and of itself, more than good enough . sending so much love your way. i'm so sorry for your loss 😔 💕

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

#tw death #tw suicide #tw drugs #tw addiction #anon

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lunaschild2016 · 6 years ago

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Close To You - Part 1[Eric/Devi]

Rated: M

Title and inspiration from Close To You by Maxi Priest

Summary: Devi and Eric’s story continues, but this time we see things from Eric’s eyes. It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn’t need to be wondering how to get close to the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He didn’t need to worry and wonder about how he could find a way to just be close to her.

@kenzieam @pathybo @jaihardy @every-jai @ericdauntless @beautifulramblingbrains @bookgirlthings @jojuarez26 @oddsnendsfanfics @offroadinjandals @singingpeople @iammarylastar @irasancti @captstefanbrandt @clublulu333 @fuckthatfeeling @tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky @jughead-wuz-here wuz-here @badassbaker @beanzjellly @beltz2016 @meganbee15 @affabletimelady @scorpio2009 @gylisaa @geekybeyondallreason @violetsonthelam @kyloswarstars @emmysrandomthoughts @kgurew @beltzboys2015-blog @slytherin-princess-25273 @whatwouldbuffydo666 @jaiboomer11 @holamor @wealwayskeepfighting @original46 @blakefc @xtheserpentx @artisthedgehog

She had an attitude I can't explain

You never know if you’re in flame

Tying me up with elastic words

I'm on a countdown till I get hurt

Her blood was hot she burned so bright

A neon sign there in the night

It's hard to say if I went too far

My heart still bares the scar

I just want to be close to you

And do all the things you want me to

I just want to be close to you (I just want to be close to you, baby)

And show you the way I feel

[Close To You; Maxi Priest]

Part 1

“What’s wrong with her?” I ask for what feels like the hundredth time since I stepped foot into the shit hole that Dauntless calls a clinic.

Once again I watch the nurses flutter around the girl on the bed, clucking like hens and completely ignoring me.

I run a hand through my hair and restrain myself from punching something or someone in frustration but I can’t completely restrain my impatience at being ignored.

That’s not something I’m willing to stand for, initiate status or not.

“Will someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with her!” I move up to stand right in front of one of the nurses that have stepped away from the bed and loom over her.

She’s wearing blue scrubs, meaning she’s from Erudite and most likely the one person in this place that’s actually fully qualified to have the title I see on her little badge clipped to her uniform.

“Eric Coulter, right?” She eyes me like a hawk and I feel irritation coursing through me. For a second, I also wonder if she’s one of Jeanine’s plants in Dauntless. That’s dismissed when she gives a strained smile. “You look a bit like your brother. I work with him from time to time. He mentioned your coming here.”

I narrow my eyes, not returning her smile and look past her to the girl still laying on the bed, motioning with my hand in her direction. “What’s her status?”

Candice, the name indicated on her badge, bristles at being ignored but answers me through thinned lips. “I have to call someone in to evaluate her, but we are drawing blood for tests and monitoring her until then.”

I look back at her and hesitate, wondering why the hell I’m getting involved and why I didn’t just leave the Amity girl in her dorm bed for someone else to deal with.

“You said you work with, Dr. Coulter?” I asked with appraising eyes, watching her closely.

“I do.”

“Then you won’t mind working with him again now, will you?”

I have no real power here in Dauntless. Not yet anyway. If I was making this same order to someone wearing black, I’m sure I would be sent away with a sharp reprimand no matter how intimidating I know I can be.

But Candice is Erudite and I have power there. My name is known. If Candice is a plant of Jeanine’s she’ll do as I say but report it back to her. If she isn’t, she’ll still do as I say.

Because, as much as I might despise it and have wanted to leave all that shit behind, I rank higher than her in their hierarchy. No matter if I wear black now, to them, I will always have true ‘blue blood’ running through my veins.

As expected she gives me a curt nod before moving off hurriedly. The other nurse wearing black gives me a look before following, and then it’s just me and the girl on the bed.

My fists clench to the sides of my body as I scowl down at her.

I hate that she’s made me care enough to step in and use my name for something when I promised I would get leadership on my own, no matter how much Jeanine tried to throw her weight around.

I hate that I’m thinking about anything or anyone else besides what I came here to do and who I’m doing it for.

Jules.

The thought of her has tightness in my chest that’s growing tighter the longer I look at this stupid tiny girl laying in the bed.

She’s not Jules. There’s no doubt about that.

Jules is tall and graceful with a smile that can infect even the snootiest of Erudite.

Jules who prefers dresses and ridiculous hats. I never have been able to figure out how she gets them all, and most of them are so ridiculous in order to get a rise out of me.

Jules who has always been able to make me laugh even when I’m in the worst fucking mood and even my brother can’t stand to be around me.

Jules who can sweetly cut a person to pieces and still leave them wondering if she was complimenting them or telling them to fuck off.

Jules, the best person I have ever known and the one I really want to save.

When I look at the amity girl, that’s who I see.

Jules is who I should be with. I should be there helping her and holding her hand or trying to make her laugh, but I’m not and it pisses me off.

Because coming to Dauntless was more important than the girl I love.

“You better not die,” I mutter angrily while glaring at the girl on the bed.

The whispered angry words won’t reach the real target, who I’m really saying them to. But I realize with some surprise that I also do mean them for the girl laying on the bed in front of me.

I turn on my heel and rush out of the clinic as fast as I will allow myself to be seen rushing anywhere. I make it to the training room corridor where control bursts away from me and I sprint into the room looking for something, anything, to make the tightness in my chest go away.

*****************************************************************************************

My brother is not who I expected to see standing behind the door of the office I was summoned to just before dinner but I can’t say the dread I had been feeling gets any better when I do see him.

If anything, it actually gets worse.

He’s standing at the end of a long conference table, hunched over papers and a tablet as I close the door quietly behind me. His presence makes me nervous as hell and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All I can think is something’s happened with Jules.

Elijah looks up at the sound of the door clicking shut and his eyes narrow as they take me in. I know he’s doing a snap evaluation, trying to determine a million things in the space of seconds so I won’t get upset about him fussing over me.

Even with all the recent strain on our relationship, Elijah remains the person I know I can count on most to truly care about me and how I’m doing. Even when I do my damndest to drive him and his affection away.

“Jules?” I ask, stepping forward and forgoing all greetings.

Elijah straightens and comes forward as well. I watch him carefully.

I never fuss over him the way he always did over me, like a parent rather than a brother, but I have always tried to watch out for him too. I see the tiredness etched into the way he holds himself and his face. Eyes so similar to mine that have never been able to mask his emotions from showing the way I do.

He smiles tiredly at me and motions with his hands as he speaks. “Jules is doing fine. She told me to tell you that you better be ‘kicking ass and taking names’.” He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “She also says hello and that we miss you.”

I sag a little in relief and nod while clearing my throat that has become thick with emotion. “Tell her I say, same and you bet your ass I am.” He gives me a smile and nod at my response and motions to a chair to sit. I do while throwing out my next question. “So, why am I here?”

“Well, given that you broke protocol and summoned me here, I thought you might want to know what’s going on with the girl, Devanna, I believe is her name,”

“Devi,” I correct him gruffly then frown at myself for caring enough to make the correction. Eli doesn’t say anything, just lifts an eyebrow and looks at his paper before correcting his notes.

“Devi.” He says with a nod.

“So what’s wrong with her? It’s been a day since I took her to the clinic, so it isn’t her just having a cold or something simple like that.”

The first day she had been smiling with enerving energy that just seemed to radiate from her. I almost thought she was going to explode from it there on the train. Even when she was panting and huffing from the climb and run to get on.

As the day wore on the smile faded and she withdrew. Some of the other initiates seemed to thrive on putting her down for anything and everything. Her old faction, her height, her accent...anything really.

Mostly this was other girls. The guys just dismissed or ignored her. Like I have been trying to do.

It was clear after the first night that something was going on with her but no one knew what. I wrote her off by the time we were going to sleep that first night. I just didn’t see her making it. Here we are at the end of the week and I don’t see that changing. I’m pretty sure that’s what my brother is going to tell me, that she’s done.

Once again, I’m cursing myself for not just letting it go and risking myself as I did. Especially now that I know it had been for nothing, because she’s gone anyways.

Then I remember why I ignored all logic and reason. I remember how I felt that night and what prompted me to take her. How small she was in my arms as I carried her through halls, trying not to race along them but feeling a sense of urgency I didn’t really understand.

She was moaning, almost deliriously, but not responding to anyone that was yelling at her to shut up in the dorm that night.

I laid there not saying anything to the others. though I wanted to so badly. To tell them all to leave her the hell alone. Then she went silent and I waited for something, some other sign from her that she was going to be okay.

The others around us were going to sleep, no problem, but I couldn’t. Her silence was deafening to me. I could have left her there and had tried to talk myself into doing just that. Until something made me go check on her and before I even got close I could feel the heat coming off her.

She was whispering something, so faint I could barely hear her until I crouched down beside her. Her eyes opened and they were glazed, she winced away from me and whimpered pitifully but she kept muttering. I leaned in even further and she reached out to grip my arm, and I could finally hear the broken pleading in Spanish.

“Por favor, no ... por favor ... Tuve que irme, abuela. Tuve que ... por favor no me odies.”

I don’t know what it was about her words. Her pleading for her grandmother to not hate her. To understand she had to leave. They weren’t some big revelation, I’m sure all of us felt that to some degree. Worried we are leaving someone behind that will be hurt or hate us for the choice.

It wasn’t so much the words themselves but the way she said them. How strong two of them were, how firm and how much fire was in them as she whispered them out over and over again.

Had to.

As if her life was in jeopardy if she didn’t go. If she didn’t follow her heart.

That was something Jules would do. She followed her heart and come hell or high water she would see it through. No matter the risk.

Did Devi know how much she was putting her life at risk just by choosing Dauntless? Did she even think about how she was nothing like a Dauntless should be in all the physical ways that matter?

But I was thinking like an Erudite with those questions. A Dauntless, a true Dauntless, wouldn’t care about any of that. They would just know there was no other choice. Just like Devi did.

Something inside me broke open for her right then and she wedged herself into a spot that I have hardened to all but two people in my life. Now I don’t know how to make that go away. Tightness starts to creep up on me again, my chest itches and I reach up to rub the spot but jerk my hand back down and look at Eli.

“Some of the others are saying she has the plague or something.”

Asinine.

I know better, and from his look at me, he knows I know better. His lips quirk in amusement and he shakes his head.

“We both know better than that. She is sick but it isn’t terminal…” He pauses and winces before his eyes filled with pain and he lets out a shaky breath then continues while I eye him and carefully mask my own pain “...but it won’t be pleasant for her in the least.”

I nod slowly. “So what is it?”

“Her body is expelling poison and it’s anything but painless.”

“Poison?” I almost shout the question and interrupt him.

Eli holds a hand up to me, a calming motion. “Peace Serum, Eric. You’re aware that Amity regularly imbibes in it, but it seems that her case is extreme. We are talking about a lifetime of daily exposure at high levels. Her body doesn’t know how to function without it anymore.”

I scowl in disbelief wondering how that’s possible and who in their right minds would purposely do this to themselves. But he said a lifetime, so does that mean even when she was really young?

I wave that away mentally and with my hand as well. “So what does that mean? She can’t continue can she?”

Eli shrugs and sighs before dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair casually.

“That will be up to her ultimately, but she’s already waved away the normal method of treatment. I can’t say I blame her. That would have meant removal from training for at least a week if not more depending on how extreme the treatment needed to be. Leadership has already said if that was the case then she was out with no other options available. I was near when the nurse gave her the options and she automatically turned the treatment down, already guessing that it meant she wouldn’t be continuing treatment. She’s staying and will let it purge from her system as naturally as possible.”

“So she’s going to go through initiation while going in withdrawal?” I mutter and look at the table while trying to deny how much that disturbs me especially knowing what I do about how withdrawal patients are treated.

There aren’t many cases where someone gets addicted to substances like I know there was pre-war and the drugs that were common are all but nonexistent for us now. But there are cases where someone gets addicted on the ones we do have and there are even cases where someone synthesizes a substance and then gets hooked on it themselves.

When this happens, the person is isolated and then their system is purged with a cleansing drug. Tests are run to determine how their body is handling the purge and if anything is still off then they are treated appropriately. It can take weeks if not months to treat some of the severe cases my brother has told me about and that’s just from a biological standpoint. Even after he gets done with them they still have much more to look forward to psychologically.

I don’t know if I can spend another night watching her suffer like she has been the last few nights. Now knowing what I do, it’s just bound to get worse and I can’t fucking handle that. “Why give her the choice at all? Why not just send her back to Amity!”

I look up at him when he makes a grunt and I realize that I spoke that out loud. My frustration is coming through loud and clear.

He leans forward with a frown of disapproval on his face. “You know very well they’re going to send her straight to the factionless, not back to Amity. I know you might not care for…”

“I don’t!” I’m breathing hard and rubbing my chest while looking around wildly. “I can’t!”

Elijah’s beside me suddenly and I didn’t even realize he moved until I feel his hands guiding me until my head is between my legs and he is coaching me through my breathing.

When I feel like I’ve gotten ahold of myself, I take the glass of water he hands me and avoid looking at him as I drink it.

I feel like a fucking kid again. Like when I used to have these same kinds of episodes after repressing feelings for so long until they boiled out and over. Elijah always tells me that trying to go through life so emotionally cut off isn’t healthy and I know he’s headed towards another lecture of that kind.

“Are you going to gloat now and say I told you so?” I ask him sourly when I look at him again.

“Have I ever done that?” I can hear the hurt in his tone but don’t respond. If I do I’m just going to end up saying something else hurtful.

I always do.

For being a so-called fucking genius, according to my old faction, I’m useless when it comes to anything resembling social graces. I learned early on that honesty is not the best policy for me. Silence is.

“Eric,” He says softly and leans forward, his arms on his knees and head bowed, “It’s okay to care about people. To open yourself to caring for someone.”

I sneer at him as I scoff, unable to remain silent, hard as I might have tried. “Sure it is. ‘Cause that’s worked out so well for me in the past, hasn’t it, brother?”

He looks up and I see the pain radiating in his eyes. I know my anger and words are opening up a wound we’re still trying to heal between us. That’s kinda hard to do when I’ve refused to talk any more about it.

“I can’t apologize for the way we both feel, Eric and I won’t. You two love each deeply other and that’s never going to change. What you two have is still there and it will always be there. It’s also different then what she and I have, and that has always been the case too, but it doesn’t make what you two share any less powerful.”

I nod and look away, gripping the glass tightly between my hands as my jaw clenches together. “But that wasn’t enough for me to stay, was it? I love her so much I left her when she needed me most. It just proves what I’ve always thought.”

I shrug and look back at him, knowing his next question but also needing him to ask it. Needing to expel it from me just like the little amity is doing right now with her own poison. He’s right I need to talk about this shit. I haven’t been able to until now.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can go back to not feeling at all. Then maybe I can get rid of this new sensation for a girl that has no chance of sticking around.

“What’s that?” Eli prods me softly.

“That I’m not capable of loving anyone but myself. I don’t care who it hurts in the end, as long as I get what I want.”

Elijah rolls his chair closer to me, his blue eyes that are normally filled with warmth are burning with intensity.

“I want to listen to me and listen well. You are not our parents and you have never even come close to them. You could never allow yourself to be like them.”

I listen but I can’t believe the words. I’ve never been able to believe the words. No matter how many times my brother has tried to reassure me of this over the years since our parents all but abandoned us.

His features soften and he smiles at me. “Yeah, you have the habit of pushing all your feelings aside and acting like they don’t exist, but you can never get rid of them. Which is why things like earlier happen. Because, it’s never been that you don’t and can’t care or love, Eric. It’s that when you do, it’s all or nothing for you. Bone deep love is what Jules has always called it. You left, not because you don’t love Jules but because you know that nothing will ever take that love away from you. Not even being in another faction. You said those same words to me when you came to me that night and gave us your blessing. It was something I already knew, but it was also something you had to realize for yourself and one day you’re going to find someone that you love just as deeply but in the it’s meant to be.”

I jerk my head in a semblance of a nod, not bothering to reply how I’m feeling.

I’ve forgiven Eli for taking Jules from me, well, mostly forgiven him anyway. What he says is true, I did come to see that how I love her and how Eli does, they aren’t the same. It’s just that in my mind that doesn’t really matter.

It still hurt and that wasn’t something I cared to open myself to again. I loved her but it hadn’t been enough. End of story.

He pulls back and I breathe a little easier when I realize he’s dropping the subject. Eli leans back in his chair and clears his throat.

“How’s training going?”

“Fairly good, although there was a surprise when it came to finding out how many fears we all have.”

Eli frowns at me. “Did your amount change?”

I shake my head with a scowl and look off. “No, it’s still nine. Which should have been the lowest fucking number among the group.”

“I take it someone is lower?.”

“Yeah. Four of them. The asshole even changed his name to the number of his fears.” My scowl gets deeper when I think of the scrawny Abnegation that’s causing me more uncertainty than he should be. “He’s a concern. I’ve heard some leaders and trainers saying they’re impressed by him. Rankings haven’t been posted since training just got in full swing, but I think we’re neck and neck for first. I’m pretty sure I got him beat in physical, and I don’t foresee fights being a problem, but the scoring percentage for the other stages is a serious concern with his number of fears.”

Eli taps his chin thoughtfully. “That’s an extremely low number. What faction is he from?”

I know where my brother’s train of thought has gone and I can’t say I didn’t immediately think the same when I found out Tobias Eaton’s number of fears. In fact, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to it and what I can do to remove the threat it poses to me.

“Abnegation,” I remark dryly and see him wince.

“It’s the Eaton kid?”

“Yes.”

“Shit.” Eli curses with a grimace then looks at me worriedly. “I know what you’re thinking, Eric, but don’t do anything you’re going to have to live with the rest of your life. You know what they will do to him.”

I shoot up out of my chair and pace around the room. “It’s not like I have a choice here, Elijah. You know what’s expected of me. At some point, I’m going to be expected to have results for them.”

“That’s what they expect. But when have you ever done what those pricks in our faction expect of you?” Eli demands from me fiercely.

“You know why I even bothered to give their offer a second chance. Jules needs this, Elijah. This is how I save her. What does it matter if I turn over some fucking stiff that means nothing to me? Especially if it gets them off my back and me first?”

“Is that really how you want to get your position here? By taking out someone that might be stronger than you?”

I grit my teeth as out the cursed denial, and glare icily at him, giving him exactly the reaction he wants even though I know exactly what the hell he’s doing by throwing that out there.

I call it manipulation and he would say he’s being my own Jiminy fucking Cricket

“How do you think this is making Jules feel, knowing what they want in exchange for her life? Jules knows you as well as I do and I know in your mind you’re already justifying it, telling yourself that any exchange for her would be worth it but how far do you go down that road, Eric?”

The tightness starts again and I let out a growl, spinning away from him and towards a wall. I feel like punching someone and Eli is the only one in sight. “Don’t bring her name into this like some kind of weapon against me.”

I want to punch walls but know we’re already shouting and that will draw attention we can’t afford. We are risking so much already. I stop in the middle of carrying out my need to hit something in anger and just lean my hands against the wall and hang my head.

“I don’t have a lot of options here,” I whisper tiredly.

“No, not a lot, but you do have a few. Eric, we know they’re afraid of you taking the power they covet so much. There was a reason for this and maybe what we need to do is to show them why they were right in fearing you.”

I slowly turn towards him, my mind working double time as my eyes narrow. He waits patiently as I process this, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’ll need help. Contacts that I know we can trust or that we can get leverage on to make sure they stay in line.”

“I’ve already started working on that. Jules too.”

I want to protest that, not wanting her involved but I know it would be pointless. They made me promise there would be no secrets and that I had to let them help in any way they could if I made this deal.

I gave a stiff nod and then looked at my watch. “I need to get going if I am going to get some dinner before lights out.”

He gives me a strained smile and nods but I see the hesitation. His internal debate and wondering if I will reject his show of affection or not. I step forward and put out a hand which he takes and grips tightly, his hand around my forearm while mine is around his. This is the form of a hug he came up with when I stopped wanting them years ago.

He smiles at me while we still hold firmly. Eli promises to make it for visiting day and that he should have contacts for me soon. We also share words of parting, mostly jokes that have been thrown around between the three of us of what I planned to do once I finally made it to Dauntless. They aren’t as carefree as they once were before our recent falling out, but it does hint that we can get there again given time.

When I go to leave he calls my name one last time and stands there looking serious and worried. “About the girl,”

“What about her?” I ask with a frown.

“I know it goes against what I was saying earlier about opening up and all,” He runs a hand through his hair with one hand and shoves the other in his pocket with the other. “But you need to stay away from her, for now.”

I let all expression fall away from my face and tilt my head. “Not that I see it being a problem for me at all, especially considering she isn’t going to last the week, but why? Does Jeanine know I called you in?”

He shakes his head while I can tell he is warring with wanting to admonish me about my callousness and wanting me to heed his warning for whatever reason. “No. Candice isn’t in Jeanine’s circle and wouldn’t want to be anyways. Something about a friend of hers that went missing or something. So Jeanine doesn’t know I was called in from her, but that doesn’t mean she might not find out from some other source. This girl, she might not actually mean anything to you, but Jeanine is crazy enough to grasp for anything that she can use to sink her claws in you even deeper.”

I feel bile rising up my throat at that but maintain my dead tone and a blank expression. “Like I said, it won’t be an issue.”

He responds with a resigned nod and I’m out of the door quickly after that making for the mess hall. Most of the other initiates had already grabbed food and headed for the dorm which was a relief since I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I ate quickly even though I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the dorm myself. Something about the activity around me and watching everyone go about their lives helped calm me.

Gave me the headspace to think and plan.

Elijah was right about handing the stiff over, it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to win my place here that way just like I didn’t want to have a bit of influence from Jeanine on the leaders to sway them either. In fact, I bluntly told her that was one of the conditions of my acceptance to work with her.

I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if turning number boy over saved Jules, even by way of securing my position, then I would do it and not even blink. If I had to carry that stain on me for the rest of my life I would for her.

The decisions, resolutions really, make me feel lighter. It eases some of the anxiousness I was feeling that I have a solid plan and course of action.

I even find myself talking to a few of the members at the table of the mess hall. I pick at the slice of cake one of the guys shoved at me and listen to them all bullshit with each other, but mostly I just observe things.

I see the stiff slipping from the mess hall, pulling in on himself to try and go unseen like he’s done from the first.

I watch the leaders as they look down at their noses from up on the balcony. Talking among themselves and hardly ever interacting with anyone else. But they’re watching, always watching, to make sure their bidding is being done even if it will lead the faction straight into war.

Max seems to be the one that I’ll have to be the most careful about. I can feel his eyes on zeroed in on me, watching and judging me. Even here when I’m eating dinner like everyone else.

I shift my focus and try to casually look to see if my suspicions are right when I see something out of the corner of my eye.

A small figure hunched over her plate at an empty table far in the back and cast in shadows it’s so out of the way. The tightness in my chest starts to creep back in and I jerk my eyes away, remembering my conversation with my brother.

I know I shouldn’t feel anything but seeing her is a relief. ‘Cause at least I know she’s alright.

So I’ll keep away, but I already know I won’t be able to stop myself from watching.

#fanfiction #divergent fanfiction #divergent au #eric coulter fanfiction #romance #smut #fluff #eric coulter #eric x oc #oc #jai courtney #diane guerrero #eric and devi are back #let's see how crazy eric is

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missjackil · 6 years ago

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My 14x17 Opinion

Game Night

This was the first new episode since “The Announcement” and I have to say I was putting off writing it. I usually post these the day after, but I procrastinated so it’s a bit late. So forgive my butt-hurt tardiness and let's have at it.

I enjoyed this episode, though it wasn't without some issues. I must say that I was pleased that it wasn't as Sam-lite as I thought it would be from the promo pics, trailer, and knowing Jared didn't work a lot that week, I will always want for more Sam in an episode, but all his parts were necessary and high quality in this one, so I'm not angry at all.

We start the episode with Donatello making cookies, singing Raindrops are Fallin’ on my Head, which made me smile. It made me think of Butch Cassiday and The Sundance Kid and I love that movie, and if J2 ever want to play the leads in a remake, I would be willing to pay for it myself!

Donny gets interrupted by the door, and we know this is a problem because its the first 5 minutes of SPN, let's be honest. As soon as I see the bad guy’s wedding ring, I think “Shit... here comes Nick”. I thought he was gonna kill him and I'm glad he didn't. I like Donny, he looks like my dad. 😊

Back at the Bunker, the fam is getting ready for “Winchester Game Night” and Dean is playing Mouse Trap, and having no luck getting it to work. I had that game as a kid too and was never able to get it to work either, but it was fun putting it together! I did think it was a little sad but fitting, that Dean would have played that game as a 4 yr old, but leave it to John and Mary to give Dean a game made for older kids, that never worked out the way it was supposed to and had too many small parts he could choke on. (the irony is not lost on me)

Mary and Jack are in the kitchen. I could literally almost smell the Jiffy Pop popcorn. A Saturday night staple at my house growing up (any of you out there ever taste that greasy salt left on the sides of the foil pan? Good stuff!) and Mary starts in with the questions for Jack. I got a kick out of him telling her its annoying, and her face after. It’s ok Mary, he’s fine, he’s just a teenager now. Something I guess she never got to experience from the adult side.

Sam is out getting pizza, and all the times they’ve had pizza, I never really saw what Sam likes on his. Apparently both he and Dean like lots of pepperoni. Good choice boys! The joy is short-lived (of course) by Donatello’s call, and Dean and Mary go off to help. I loved Sam sitting there researching. I have always loved his look of interest and concentration during these times. Smart!Sam moment #1 he figures out the language is ancient Hebrew, #2 he has the moment of realization that he knows it’s from the Bible, and knows what chapter and verse. (demerits for the writers though for not knowing Peter is in the New Testament and is in Ancient Greek, not Hebrew, but kudos for Sam/Jared for at least knowing the book is located near the back of The Bible)

Mom and Dean in the car. Now we have the talk about how wrong she knows she’s been but how appreciative she is to have this time with him and Sam. Uhoh... sounds like lines typically given to a character who is soon to be killed off? Hmmm we’ll see. Soon they arrive at Donny’s to find Nick. He says he's poisoned Donny and to save him, they have to help him. He wants to talk.

Back at the bunker, violent rage!Sam awaits!! GOD that gave me tingles in the best way! I loved Dean leading Nick down the hall in cuffs, in slow motion as if leading him to his execution, and Sam standing there with his chest puffed out like a friggin’ bulldozer, and the snarl and slam attack against the wall!! (hand me that towel, please??) Dean backs Sam off, lots of brother touching going on, but we need intel, we can't kill him yet.

Now Sam is in self-loathing mode.... he thinks everything is his fault. So many people dying because of him. This is gonna be a big issue soon, I promise. Mom talks Sam off the self-deprecating ledge and tells him he gave Nick another chance because he’s a good man and that's why she’s so proud of him. Sam softens up into the sweetest “aww shucks ma” smile and I want to hug him💕 also, still lines are being spoken by mom that are synonymous with being killed off.

Now, I procrastinated talking about Cas and Anael because the whole thing was boring. I'm not a wife hater but at least make her necessary if you’re going to cast her. I was ok about her role as Sister Jo for Devil’s Bargain but she hasn't been necessary since. Cas wasn't even necessary in this episode. We knew he was hiding the fact that Jack killed the snake, and there are probably 1000 other ways they could have reminded us that the Samulet is still around and maybe they can use it, than for him to find a similar one in the thrift shop or whatever that place was. I dug Methuzula though, he was the oldest dude in the Bible. He wasn’t an angel, for any of you worried about him liking lasagna or why he couldn't just smite Cas... its because he's HUMAN just extremely old.

On to more interesting things.

Nick wants to talk to Jack. I was not pleased with Nick referring to Jack as his son. Im not 100% convinced that the writer (and all involved really) remembered that Jack isnt Nick’s son, but added that as a note of empathy Nick has for Lucifer, you’d THINK someone, particularly Jack would say “Im not your son” ?? but anyway, he gives intel to Jack and also gets his blood (dun dun dunnnn)

Sam is again a smarty pants and knows the antidote for Thalium is Prussian Blue (makes note) and figures he can hack the live feed (brains are so sexy) I also love that Sam’s word is the go word. So many more decisions are made because Sam thinks its the best option than he's ever given for in the fandom. So Sam and Dean take Nick with them to find Donny.

I really love the broments in this part. Dean tells Nick if he tries anything funny, Sam will shoot him. “And if anything happens to me....” “Sam will shoot me” “To start!” says Sam... because if he hurts Dean, Sam isnt letting him off that easy. But in true SPN form, as soon as Sam and Dean are separated, shit goes south.

Mom calls Sam and lets him know Donny was shot up with Angel grace, as Jack figured out, Nick was playing them. Now the fight between Sam and Nick ensues! Nick tells Sam why he used Donatello, which was to bring Lucifer back, “You can't, he’s dead he’s in the Empty” Sam says but this show’s self-awareness gets me sometimes lol Nick’s like “Cmon Sam you know no one stays dead anymore” and Sam starts kicking his ass.

Now, I have already seen a million of you whine and complain that Sam didn’t kill Nick. It’s almost as though some of you have never met Sam Winchester. Of course Sam could have killed Nick, and most of us wish he did, but Sam has stopped himself from killing humans before. He stopped himself with Jake in AHBL and also with Toni in 12x01. Unfortunately it always bites him in the ass. Could it be that Sam thinks if he can kill a human with his bare hands that he’s a monster? This isn’t bad writing folks, this is Sam’s character.

Nick takes advantage of Sam’s hesitation and starts nailing him with a rock. Spewing crap about Sam being Lucifer’s Perfect vessel and such.... this can only mean that issue will be coming up soon! Sam gets in the car and starts laying on the horn for Dean, calling out to him... Dean hears Sam is in trouble, enough playing around here time to kill some demons.

When he gets to Sam. he sees he’s badly injured. Sam can hardly hold on to consciousness, protective!dean kicks in! Apply preasure to the blled, call 911, call mom. Now check for brain damage and play a counting game with Sam This hurt my feels so much, it made it feel so much more serious than all the other head injuries he’s sustained. Dean and his caring big brother smile and light hearted speech so Sam doesnt panic just kills me in the best way!! Sam tries to count with him a little and breaks into “You always put me first... your whole life” and manages to muster a little smile. Dean knows Sam believes he’s checking out, and you see the fear all over Dean’s face as Sam fades away. (OMG these 2!! Every freakin time!!)

Meanwhile, Mary and Jack found Nick and he has summoned Lucifer and just about to take him in again (Lucifer looked pretty cool,,, gotta say) and Jack zaps Lucifer back into the rift (no not forever guys... cmon) and starts torturing Nick. Mary kinda flips out telling Jack to stop. He’s contorting his hand, burning him from the inside out... not simply killijng him. Mary is full on worried now. Jack stops and Nick is laying on the floor. Mary is in shock and tells Jack to go help Sam, He heals him and Dean cant even hide his relief as he turns away to catch his breath.

Now Jack returns to Mary who is more than worried about how Jack was torturing Nick. We know the Winchesters dont mind killing, but draw the line at torture. However, Mary stupidly poked the bear. She could have just kept herself and Jack calm and talked to the boys later, but she poked and poked till Jack freaked out. Though I am wondering if Jack was also hearing Lucifer when he was shouting “Leave me alone!!” But in any regard, he looked at Mary and something happened. Fade to black.

Aside from the Cas/Anael part, I really enjoyed this episode. A few issues yes, but it hit most of the marks needed for me to enjoy an episode. Ive already rewatched it twice and will again and again.

On a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, I give this a strong 7.5 without the Cas/Anael bit it would have been an easy 8.

#14x17 spoilers #game night #my opinion #i dug this one #love this 2nd half a lot

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1rosex · 7 years ago

Text

Hyung Line reaction to breaking up with s/o and regretting it

Request: Heyo can I get a hyung line reaction to they get so angry or smth and they break up with you? But they didn't mean it and regret it? Thanks for the angst fam keep up the good work

{Maknae Line}

Masterlist

Jin

You were both in a heated argument that had stemmed from Jin's recent behavior. You figured it was stress. You didn't see Jin at all for weeks since he'd been touring, but of course you knew that he couldn't always be around so you weren't blaming him for it. But now you were fighting, you don't even know how it started. One minute you'd been telling Jin you missed him, the next angry he'd snapped at you, and now both of you at each others throats.

"Stop! Just stop!" You yelled out. "I didnt mean to make you angry! I know you cant always be around, I get it!" You were trying to kill the fight, trying to bring Jin back to his senses. But his anger piled on top of each other, letting all of frustration spill into this single argument.

"No! Its not just today, it's every day Y/N!" Jin turned to you, you could nearly see him radiating with anger. "Always complaining about how tired you are, how lonely you are, how much work you have, how sad you are, its always about you! Don't you think I struggle too? I've got a whole band to worry about!" His eyes were two burning coals in which you'd once seen love. You were too afraid to speak at this point, you'd never seen him so angry it was unlike anything he'd done before.

"Well I'm done, done with it, done with you! Get out." The coals were boring into you willing you snap under his gaze, his voice circling the room. You didn't move. "Jin.."

"I SAID GET OUT." The rage exploded back at you, like the flame had subsided only to bite back stronger than the last time. You were moving, running for the door with hot tears running down your face. Jin watched, watched you run from the room with his own tears appearing. All at once, the anger was gone. And so were you. He tried to process what he'd just said to you, his throat dry from the hurtful yells that had just escaped it seconds ago. He couldn't believe he'd actually said that to you. Jin shut down for a while after that, he spent the rest of the day in quiet silence knowing what he'd done was not something to be easily forgiven.

You had left him, staying up at night wondering what you'd done wrong. Was that it? Was he serious? Would he come looking for you? You couldn't tell, you didn't know, told yourself you didn't care. You let it be as you fell asleep.

Two days, two days later you woke up early morning to hear a knock at the door. No news from Jin, he had basically broken up with you so you didn't expect any. Tired, confused, you got to your feet and headed downstairs. You opened the door wondering who could possibly be there so early, only to see Jin standing on the other side.

"Y/N- wait don't close the door!" His hand extended, keeping you from slamming the door in his face. "Please hear me out."

You stood on the other side, your arms crossed. Jin felt like your eyes were prying at at his insides, reading all of his inner thoughts before he even said them. He swallowed, the angry Jin you'd seen days ago was no where to be seen.

"That was dumb. Me, I was dumb. What I said, I thought it was true when I said it. But its not. You dont make it all about yourself, you try to distract me. Try to make me feel better, and up until now I didnt realize you actually were making me feel better." It was quiet after Jin said, you thinking over his words and him waiting for you to say something. Nothing came. "Y/N?"

You opened the door a little wider, how could you ever get rid of him? You couldn't. "Come inside Jin, its cold outside."

"..Thank you. For not hating me."

Namjoon

It had all gone down so fast. One minute you were on the couch curled up on Namjoon's side, and the next you had pulled you like he'd just burnt you. Now you two were staring at each other, tension between your two bodies rising, the universe holding its breath waiting for one of you to make a move.

"What did you say?" You asked him.

"I said.. We should break up." Namjoon looked on edge, like he was saying something he wasn't so sure about.

"Why.." It came out as a breathy whisper, hard to talk when it feels like someone is crushing the air from your lungs.

"I don't have time. You deserve someone who can be there for you for all those special moments. Not someone who's always on tour." You could see the struggle in Namjoon's eyes telling you this. You nodded with understatement, and that was the last time you'd spent with him.

It'd been two weeks, two whole weeks that felt like they were the most difficult and lonely fourteen days you'd had in a long time. You were out at the store with a friend of yours, a guy you'd known for a long time who had come to comfort you. Namjoon saw you shopping with him, and the regret of leaving you built up too much to handle. Before you knew it, you'd been pulled off to the side by someone, and you were about to attack the intruder until you realized who it was.

"Namjoon?" You asked, surprised.

"Y/N." Namjoon fumbled for his words. "I'm sorry.. I don't know why I uh.. Who's that friend?"

You were suddenly angry at him, how could he just show up in your life like that again. How could he be talking to you like he hadn't left you feeling miserable. "Its no one. And last time I checked, neither are you." You made an effort to walk past him, but his hands were suddenly pulling you back. This time they were more desperate, needy and his eyes were brimmed with pain manifesting itself into tears.

"Y/N please. I know what I said and I've laid awake these past few weeks cursing myself for being a fucking idiot because I love you and I can't believe I thought letting you go was ever a good idea because I've been nothing but sad since then." Namjoon's words were a blur, and you didn't know when it happened, but you'd started crying too. "Please don't hate me." He lowered his head, you could see his hair looked ruffled and unwashed like he hadn't been caring for himself much. You wondered if he still used the same coconut shampoo, remembering how it smelled those mornings you woke up besides him.

"You really fucked up." You said.

"I know." He answered.

You were quiet, as much as you wanted to walk away from him you knew you couldn't. He meant the whole universe to you and you'd be damned if you lost your favorite planet. "I forgive you Namjoon."

"You.. You forgive me? Are you serious?"

"What do you want me to take it back?"

"NO! No! ... Thank you Y/N."

Yoongi

Why was Yoongi so angry? You didn't understand. You had noticed that he had been drawing back a lot lately, disappearing into his studio without saying much to you. At first you figured it was stress, but you seen realized it wasn't. It was different, he was emotionally distant. When you'd gone to confront him, Yoongi had started to snap at you.

"Stop!" You yelled. "Please, stop pushing me away. Why do you do that? Why can't you let me help?" You were urging him, hoping he could just lower his defenses and talk to you. But your words had lit another match at the back of his mind, and now he was firing more hurtful words back at you. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" He spat right back at you.

"Because I care about you! But it seems like you don't care about me. If you did you wouldn't do this. You.. You make me want to leave you!" Your voice swelled with pain, but Yoongi didn't even flinch.

"Go ahead then, what's stopping you? Go! I dont want you anymore, I don't want us anymore, I am so sick of you acting like you know everything, like you own me! So just get out already!" Hot tears were running down your face, had he just broken up with you?

"Are you crying? Seriously? Cut it out!" Yoongi didn't realize he wasn't yelling at you, he was yelling at himself. How could be be yelling at you for crying? He wanted to tell himself to shut up, to stop talking and apologize, but he had crossed the line of no return a long time ago.

"Do you think I want to cry?!" You suddenly yelled, knocking over a book when you flung your hands up defensively. Your anger competed with Yoongi's, who was not used to being the one being yelled at. He went quiet, he knew that he had really messed up, but the word 'sorry' had completely left his mind in the heat of the moment.

"I don't.. I don't want to see you. Not tonight, not tomorrow. Just let me be this time, Min Yoongi." And just like that, you were grabbing your coat and leaving. Yoongi could only watch you, wanting to follow but his feet were nailed to the floor. When he heard the door slam and the last trace of you was gone, Yoongi cried and fell back into his chair. Regret gnawed away at him, like a beast that had taken residence in his stomach the moment he'd decided to yell at you.

Yoongi didn't come to you that day. Or the day after that. But the day after that..You were curled up on the couch, staring blankly at the television when the doorbell rung. You brought the controller up to the screen and paused the movie, then got up to answer the door. Yoongi was on the other side.

"I brought you some dumb flowers. I know you like the purple ones, the ones with the white insides. But they were out." Yoongi's eyes were anywhere but your own, knowing he couldn't even look you in the face after what had happened.

"So I got you more flowers than usual, even though I know they can't possibly make up for my stupid words. Nothing really can." Yoongi was standing so truthfully in front of you, you know you should be angry. You should be telling him to leave, asking him if that was the best he had. Telling him to get out just as he'd told you. But you couldn't, not when you saw the tears that were building up behind his hard stare.

"I'm sorry Y/N. Im such an idiot. Please just tell me you dont hate me, tell me that's it's okay."

J-Hope

You'd come to the building with a gym bag containing some extra clothes, Hoseok had called you over when he forgot it at home. You stopped in front of the practice room door and raised your hand to the doorknob. You froze when you heard your name from the other wide of the door, a small smile appearing on your face when you recognized that the voice belonged to Hoseok. You didn't mean to eavesdrop, you just wanted to hear what he'd said. You wished you hadn't.

"It's annoying. I wish Y/N could back off, I know she means well but sometimes I just want to shove her out of the room and tell her to let me be."

"Well, that's a little harsh hyung." Jungkook's voice, by the sound of it.

"I know, which is why I don't. But its hard, she's just a burden at times like this when I'm so stressed. It's like dating her adds too much unnecessary pressure."

The door made a loud clicking noise as you opened it, and the look on your face told the boys that you'd heard every word they'd said.

"Glad to know you feel that way. You know what might help? Having no girlfriend at all." You dropped the bag onto the floor, gave him a cold stare and left the practice room. You drowned out the sound of his voice, calling your name but this time calling for it to stay. Instead, you ran.

He stopped trying to call you after the third day of no response. No texts from you, no calls from you, Hoseok had began to think you'd disappeared off the face of the earth. You woke up one night to the sound of rasping on the window, crawling out of bed with a flashlight you were ready to swing as a weapon if needed be. You grabbed onto the ridge of your bedroom window, took a deep breath, and threw it open while readying yourself to swing. There was a scream from the intruder, and you almost screamed too until you recognized the voice.

"Hobi?! What the hell?" You sighed, releasing the fear that had just shook your body as you lowered the flashlight. Hoseok used to crawl on the roof when you were together, he used to say it was a romantic cliche thing to do. Till he stopped doing it the day he nearly fell off. Now he was back up on the roof in the middle of the night, giving you a sheepish smile. And a heart attack.

"I know you don't want to see me."

"You're right."

"But you have to hear me out. Please."

"No I don't." You tried to close the window but Hoseok yelped and stopped it.

"Y/N please! I'm sorry!" You paused, listening as he went on. "What I said, I was being dumb. You don't annoy me! You encourage me to be better, you push me forward, you help me relax and be happy, you stop me from doing dumb things!"

You couldn't help but smile, just a little. "I obviously couldn't stop you from getting up onto the roof huh." You didn't know why, but you weren't angry as you thought you'd be. I mean sure, a part of you wanted to shove him off the roof, but you couldn't be angry when you'd loved Hoseok so much. When you loved Hoseok still. And now he was smiling at your joke again, a smile that seemed to return the sun itself back into your solar system.

" I haven't stopped beating myself up about since the day it happened. Please forgive me for any pain I caused Y/N.."

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lokbobpop · 3 years ago

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Expression

Articulate; either verbally or with a cry, shout, or noise ("She expressed her anger") Synonyms: give tongue to, utter, verbalise, and verbalize. Give expression to. Synonyms: evince and show. Send by rapid transport or special messenger service ("She expressed the letter to Florida

late 14c., "represent in visual arts; put into words," from Old French espresser, expresser "press, squeeze out; speak one's mind" (Modern French exprimer), Medieval Latin expressare, frequentative of Latin exprimere "represent, describe, portray, imitate, translate," literally "to press out" (source also of Italian

Expression express sion exp ress sion ex press i on

Writing expression

What is my expression i dont really truly know yet im not sure im only just coming through now so its in development im creating from it now to bring more out so the mind doesn’t bring me back into it which i know out wont because i will always stand for myself now im worth it this planet and myself needs it so its agiven to do my best for myself but who am i dont know yet and its pretty exciting to find out my true nature what is here now feels great and i like being me within me and i can see its going to be pretty amazing for sure.

How I express myself is also much better like i its changed it snot so harsh angry than what it was before i express much better still work to be done but i see ive got this i will stand up every time in the lost mind because that is what the mind is lost it doesn’t know either or i wouldn’t keep me trapped as i have been it would realize hey we can all do this together my body mind and being i have no need to take over all the time.

Reading expression

I have some pretty bad expressions i mean ive had some real everlasting wants im embarrassed about admitting ive been rage hatred i have entertain so many things within me i see them now and i have to admit i saw them then i just didnt care to do anything with them and let them out and hurt people with them.

I feel in my expression im a bit straight forward blunt like if i see a problem ill just say it bluntly to my people that are close to me mostly or total stranger ill just say well its like this your like this and thats your problem without taking into factor how do they like bring talk to like this are they thinking you rude bitch lol and i dont care.

I find it tremendously difficult to express myself and i can now see this has had a big affect on me because i cant find the words in my mind to talk to another i dont have the info there to say i feel like this because of this this and this because i can’t remember why i feel like that so i just know this is what i believe and just have to say well this is it i cant tell you why because i cant actually remember wtf really how can you say this like if someone says what is this desteni all about i cant bring it to my mind i cant only say ho wi feel and what it has done for me which will have ot be enough you’ll have ot look because i dont have th words to but it all together.

My physical expression i feel because im big at the moment i might come over not so friendly i dotn know why something to look into i think i see bigger people being angry so i must be yes i do see fat people who are more angry less satisfied. But my physical expression must be someone who hasn’t looked after themselves very well as i have so many ailment i really do from head to toe there something wrong id like to clear them up starting with my thyroid that would be cool to have energy back weight off so i can walk swim and so on better not feel tired all the time.

Saying expression

Other people’s expression how i act to other people expression when they are angry especially i react to them back with anger especially my family the express it then i do or i do and they express it back to me when you look at it it fucking mental way too live hey shouting at each other i imagine these like needles come out of me or them and on these needles there’s little hooks and as they come out of the other person they hook onto and it resonates into me and i go off pretty technically stuff lol but thats ho wi see it so i need to see them pass through me i will see this over the next 4 days and see ho wit goes as because i usually forget or think i dont care they cant talk like that its shit way to talk.

I need ot learn a new way to express myself without words i feel because i have this and its not going to disappear with my beingness i see i need to find another way to express myself to other so they can see me hear me differently shall videos maybe at minute or two

When people have the most amazing expression like they are creative within it they draw paint create so many beautiful things and i do go into comparison of not being able to do what they can do but also not see what i am capable of and appreciating that also im just different maybe not so artist but i have a eye for different things i pick up from others and bring them all together.

The expression of anger on my dad face as i said im going to try and let that go within

How a flower has an expression a leaf how it expresses its self how i should see who i am in my own unique expression who am i embrace me and my expression i love me and my expression

Does this definition support me no being upset i cant really express like others comes up and ho wi hav etc find my own expression within me and create in a different way to others and how i react to others anger and my own anger and others reacting to that

Expression ex press i on

Expression

The unique person i am and who i will become the purest of myself

To be the best of me at all times to get up if i fall to embrace my own uniqueness

I will use this word to live my best expression to embrace all expression of myself and embrace whats ever happens to grow within my expressions

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mayaka9 · 4 years ago

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and ?

It’s been more than a year and half that im waiting for a visa that i have no idea if i will be able to optiain. Everyday is just a same routine with some waves of unplanned stuff, a lot of bad waves, some good surprise, mental health care and physical care. Im shit at taking care of my stuff, everything.

I need to draw, i have to, i see everyone giving their best to succeed in art work world and here i am, stilling my life, i cant even draw an illustration but i have a job. I spit blood for that job, but that doesnt make me worhty does it ? The thing with having impostor syndrom is that you know it exist, you know some poeple have it, but you tell yourself that you are not one of them, you, you really are a true impostor with remorse. And i dont know if i am or if i have the syndrom.

Im lost and ive been lost for so long now that it just became normal. I hope the meds will help me hold on a bit longer until i feel strong enough to hold my life myself without any med help. Im surounded by people who does, i want to be one of them, i crave a self with enough strong not to have to ask for help every damn month. Evry damn day. What am i, a dead weight, a freaking liability. The only few months ive been able not to be one life took it back and put me back in a state where i am nothing more than a dead weight. Im tired evryday. I sleep because im tired, not because of the meds ? Bullshit. What should i do then ? Quit that job ? The only link i have with that life that i want to reach back ? So that i can become even more broken ? No way. I have to spit blood at least a bit, i havnt done any studies, thats logical i have to struggle the first years of work, but that shit is taking too long and my mind and body is weak as hell. Turning around again and again saying the same old shit to myself everyday and nothing new, thats my life, for the past years its been this. Im tired of dreaming of my old life. Im tired of waking up to those dream to this life that im forced to live. Im not strong, im an impostor in every way. Not strong, not talented, how did i make it that far without anyone realizing im a scam. The more im angry at that situation and at life the more i become angry at myself for not being able to make that situation more livable. Gaelle’s right im dragging myself down alone, im like her ex. Depression and anxiety is no help, its helping me dying faster. Trying to resist makes the whole thing even less livable, i should just give up already. I should have given up the day i got out of that plane and put a foot on france’s territory.

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eternalmydnyt · 4 years ago

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So I decided its time for another one of my random peeks i give into my insanity. This is the playlist of songs on my IPhone. Some are there just because i like them but for the most part music is a form of self therapy for me, the voices find things in life which lets them feel manifest and music is a way to feel them, touch them, and communicate with them in a generally harmless environment. Plus this can give anyone who reads an glimpse into my head and my tastes

In no particular order Im going to follow this format for the list

"Title" Band

Affecting Lyrics

How it affects me

Lets begin shall we?

"Get Well" Icon For Hire

Don't tell the others but it's all getting old

I mean how many more times must our stories be told?

And being lonely's only fun in a group

It sort of loses it's charm when it's true

This is a song about someone who is tired of suffering. Someone who has decided that its time to get serious about changing for the better. The voice in my head who reacts most to this is Eleni, Eleni doesnt want to be broken anymore, doesnt want to be crazy and fractured. She is my internal caretaker and OCD. She is who i draw on when i need to get things done regardless of how i feel.

"My Name" Shinedown

My name is worthless like you told me I once was

My name is empty cause you drained away the love

My name is searching since you stole my only soul

My name is hatred and the reasons we both know

Micheal... he is so angry all the time. Angry about the past, angry about the present, angry about the future. He is my rage at a world that should be more then what it is. Micheal is the one who is most "Me" of the voices. He is the one who is the closest to being who i would if i didnt have to constantly wear a thousand masks for society. He cares about some but in general he just wants to see everyone burn until they understand his pain.

"Break In" Halestorm

You are the only one

The only one that sees me

Trusts me and believes me

You are the only one

The only one that knows me

And in the dark you show me

Yeah it's perfectly reckless

Damn you leave me defenseless

So break in

This is my song i dedicate to Francine and everything she does for me. She is one of only 3 people who I truelly trust and who knows almost everything about me. She has saved me.

"Carry on my Wayward Son" Supernatural 200th Episode Cover.

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man,

Well, it surely means that I don't know

Ok this one is just because i REALLY like it. Especially this version.

"Indestructible" Disturbed

Another reason, another cause for me to fight

Another fuse uncovered now, for me to light

My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect

I carry out my orders without a regret

Ahh Alex. He is aggressive and territorial. He isnt Angry the way Micheal is but he is more violent. He was the part of me that couldnt remember fighting back against bullies, the part which would lash out in violence against anyone who mistreated me. He was dangerous and volitile in school but he had reasons to be. He changed as I got older... now he is more of a gatekeeper. He protects the people i trust... deciding who is "Pack" and who isnt. If he doesnt accept you then I dont trust you. I dont have many in my circle but he is the one who holds the guest list. If you arent in the circle then Alex lets Micheal have you.

"Divide" Disturbed

I am a little more provocative then you might need,

It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed

So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean,

If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

Don't wanna be another player losing in this game

I'm trying to impress upon you

We're not the same

My psychotic mentality is so unique

I'm one aggressive motherfucker

Now, wouldn't you say

Ever since Micheal became violent he has been fighting against being classified with the rest. He hates being "Just another voice" he believes he is THE voice and the others should serve him. I like Micheal alot... he is one i rely on and consider one of my closest allies because he has the strength to drown out the others when i need him to... but god he can be a self important dick sometimes.

"Without Me" Eminem

Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me

'Cause we need a little controversy,

'Cause it feels so empty without me

This is another i just really like. Hell of a beat. Good music for a walk.

"Fuck Away the Pain" Divide the Day

You hate the way he fooled around behind your back

A slave to him but now with me, no strings attached

But if you wanna use me up and leave me in the bed

If that's what you need go right ahead

Ahh Gray. I was wondering when you would show up. Gray loves this song. Being eternally a teenager his greatest joys in life are Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. If he could spend all his time getting high, getting laid, and playing Call of Duty he would be a happy boy. He reminds me to have fun and relax. I just wish he wasnt so pushy about it.

"Love Bites (So Do I)" Halestorm

My lips are pale and vicious.

You’re foaming at the mouth.

You’ve suffered in the darkness.

I’ll suck the pain right out.

So come and taste the reason

I’m nothing like the rest.

I kiss you in a way you’ll never forget about me.

Two Gray songs in a row. He is a firm believer that the best cure for pain is to leave it behind with fun and pleasure. Someone hurt you? Leave em behind and find something better. He doesnt get why it has to be any more complicated then that.

"Innocence" Halestorm

Is this what you wanted

Did I make your dreams come true?

You're sitting in a corner

Wondering what you got into

And you ache for things you don't understand

That your tears don't mean a thing

I only cum when you scream

Raven. I dont talk about her much. Micheal is angry and Alex is Violent but Raven enjoys it. Raven wants to inflict pain not for revenge or to protect me... she wants to inflict pain because she enjoys it. She loves the idea of having power over another person and being able to control the difference between their pleasure and their pain. finding out just what it would take to push someone to the point where the carress of fingertips and the carress of a blade provoke the same reaction... be it screams or moans. Raven came to being during a time in my life when all i did was suffer... and when all you do is suffer you find ways to enjoy even that.

"Leave it all behind" Cult to Follow

Forget the decay

And the endlessness of all of our mistakes

Forget all the blame

And the apathy

And throw it all away

Forget the Pain

Forget the Hate

Forget all your Enemies

They never will break you again

This would probobly be most associated with my serpent. He isnt vocal... he is cold and empty... armored and predatory. He is instinct and survival. He turns me off. When my emotions are more then i can handle his scales harden me and keep them out... better to feel nothing then to be overwhelmed.

"My Songs know what you did in the Dark" Fall Out Boy

A constellation of tears on your lashes

Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes

In the end everything collides

My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

Another Micheal... have i mentioned he is loud? I think one of the largest things that fuels his rage is the fact that maybe I would be so much healthier if someone had jus seen what was going on when i was a child and helped me then... no instead the schools were content just labeling me "Antisocial with Anger Control Issues and an Overactive Imagination" Fucking lazy ass socalled professionals...

"What I've Done" Linkin Park

I'll face myself

To cross out what I’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what I’ve done

This song speaks to me but its hard to pinpoint why. Theres alot in my life i regret... Life needs a Do-over button.

"Porn Star Dancing" My Darkest Days

She wraps those hands around that pole

She licks those lips and off we go

She takes it off nice and slow

Because that's pornstar dancin'

Gray loves this song... not only for its literal lyrics bot also for the fact he has convinced himself its one long ass Blowjob analogy.

"Runnin" Adam Lambert

'Round and around I'd go, addicted to the numb

Living in the cold

The higher, the lower the down, down, down

Sick of being tired and sick of waiting

For another kind of fix

The damage is damning me down, down, down

Love this song... Speaks to me but at the same time it is one that im not sure who in my head reacts most. It just makes me happy.

"Save Yourself" My Darkest Days

You’re the perfect drug when it hurts like hell

I've never needed anyone so much

There’s no-one else I love and I curse myself

Cause the right thing is to give you up

I’m overcome by shame cause I can never change

And you can never understand my sickness

(I’ll never understand my sickness)

This is a Micheal. He is angry and violent and seeks pain on others... but there are people he cares about. He doesnt want to hurt them but he cant change what he is. So I try to keep him tempered with the lighter voices despite him being by far my strongest.

Bah i'm gonna stop here. Theres a few more songs on the list but they are mostly just because i really enjoy the sound of em. Ill put them in a quick list.

"I am Murloc" Elite Tauren Chieftain

"Bad Girlfriend" Theory of a Deadman

"Careless Whisper" Seether

"Chicken with a Train" Cowboy Troy

"Swing" Trace Adkins

"I dont Dance" High School Musical (Dont judge me!)

"Let it Go" Frozen (Dont you dare fucking Judge me lol)

#music #voices in my head #scream into the void

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