#i know it's very insensitive to think this to victims of m/rder. but idk. i just wish id been killed when i was young & innocent & pure.
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Like okay im rambling in the tags at this point but whatever idc goodbye
#anyways like there's always people coming and going from this house. so i think the only reason he stopped stalking me is because he thought#that i was a dr/g addict. bc my city has tons of those. most cities do but my city isnt exactly really big but there's still a ton#and idk but i guess tjis was a smart move bc he just rode past me on his bike and that was the last time he ever followed me.#i just looped around the block and went to my real home then. but anyways. it was a really tense time for me and it made me hate going to#school more than i already did. but its not like i could tell my family i got this stalker. because that would've meant admitting to them#that i snuck out of the house alone at night. and that i do this quite often. bc im not allowed out of the house after dark alone. which is#sort of understandable bc im a girl who weighs less than 100lbs and this is a sketchy part of the city to live in. but idk i just dont care#about my own wellbeing. so i do dumb shit all the time. once i got drunk and walked to the bridge where trains go under and i really debated#jumping off it. but my ex convinced me to call the suic/de hotline. he didnt call me himself idk why but i guess he didnt really think id do#anything. but he didnt know i wasnt home either we were just texting. he hated me going out at night. still does apparently.#but i called the hotline on the bridge and i waited for a really long time & every time someone picked up i hung up. then just dialed again#i did it like 3 times before i finally started talkjg to a guy who sounded friendly enough. the rest sounded mad so i was intimated. he had#a really strong indian accent but used an american name. i dont remember it. but he was very kind to me. sometimes i wonder how he's doing.#it must be a really difficult job. i could never do it. i would start crying once someone told me they wanted to die. im rlly empathetic#& its a good thing sometimes but mostly its just hell. especially with other victims of ab*se/s*xual assault. i just know how it feels and#i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. like i know it's terrible to say this but sometimes i really wish i'd been m/rdered instead of#being ab*sed for years & years and having to live with the memories and the trauma of it and still not even feeling valid. like i kind of#feel like getting m/rdered would've been better bc i would be resting in heaven or whatever tf happens when u die idek what i believe anymor#but i think after you die it would be peaceful. or at least devoid of pain. but instead i lived with this & grew into this twisted creature#i know it's very insensitive to think this to victims of m/rder. but idk. i just wish id been killed when i was young & innocent & pure.#now im an adult. im 18 a grown adult but i still feel like a broken child inside. im basically a hs dropout. i have no passions or goals for#the future. like. i do love alex with all my heart but i think me marrying him so quickly might be because. he gives me a reason to live.#like ik its unhealthy af. but having a s/o to love & take care of gives me some sort of direction in life. like. before i met him i was rlly#just clinging to some bad people who didnt rlly care abt me. &i wanted them to fill this void in me but they cant & shouldnt bc its my own#issue to solve. but alex. for some reason he loves me like this. he doesnt care what i choose to do witj my life#he says he'll love and support me no matter what i want to do. even though im failing school. he says i can be a housewife if i want or do#these makeup classes they have in his country &then still get whatever job id like. like. how can he love a mess like me as much as he does?#i dont understand it. but he'd really do anything for me& i appreciate him so much.#people always say they admire confidence and those who strive towards their goals. but alex loves my shyness#he says its cute. &he doesn't care about what i choose to do with my days. like im really going to try hard to get a job when we're together
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