#i know it's bc all of my symptoms disorders have memory problems as a symptom

[stupid-lemon-eater]

a surprisingly distressing aspect of the seemingly endless stream of polls asking how many times you've done x or when/why did you do y is the realisation that it is actually normal to be able to remember those things and not have your life's memory be predominately broad strokes with very large gaps in between

[nitazenes]

Normally I don't armchair diagnose people, but this is an abuser so I don't care.

Cas definitely is not a system though they claim to have no memories of their childhood until her mom and dad divorced.

Cas is diagnosed with OCD, but they don't have compulsions at all? For me, I've been treated for my OCD so my compulsions are a lot less but for me I would have to do things in threes. Can't go out the door until I lock it and unlock it 3 times. I have to twist the knob 3 times or else the world isn't real and if I step through the door I'm entering a false world. That's what an obsessive compulsion is.

Ocd can involve needing cleanliness, organization, or organization that works with the person with OCD but it's generally, if I do not do this thing, the world isn't real/I'm not real. There's a perceived consequence that causes the obsessive compulsions. It needs to be done this way, this many times, or I will lose it. That's OCD.

Do I think, despite the "diagnosis" of OCD that she has OCD? No. She's got the obsession thing down pat but it's not OCD obsession. Rather than she is a brat who flips her shit if she's not treated like an absolute princess who's perfect in every way.

What I DO think it is, and this may be giving Cas too much generosity but I would peg this in BPD/NPD territory. Why? She displays a lot of the symptoms of those disorders. She claims she experiences psychosis/schizophrenia, yet never mentioned being psychotic or what they see or hear. I have auditory hallucinations and visual disturbances but that is not schizophrenia, that's from the CPTSD. It is psychosis but it's not caused by schizophrenia. And schizophrenia doesn't just happen there would have been signs since she was a child of her psychosis. So do I think she has paranoid schizophrenia? She certainly is paranoid but I would say the delusions they experience are not from schizophrenia bc she is specific about paranoia over being stalked because of her non-existent "abuse"

So I think maybe it could be more like BPD with the obsessive stalking and obsessing over people and fandoms. They don't have alters but maybe they have different self states which is a symptom of BPD. Not DID (even if it's a symptom of DID as well) I can't speak much on NPD but Cas does display an extreme lack of empathy. In fact I would say she doesn't feel empathy, guilt, or shame considering the way she has treated me, not to mention the 3-4 other victims of this behavior.

I know she watches my socials for any signs of me giving her attention which frankly I shouldn't, even to talk shit. And I think I will stop after this post but first I'm doing some psychoanalyzation.

She doesn't care about peoples physical health either as she assaulted two people to the point of bleeding and then flipped her shit that there was blood on her bed and she screamed and yelled at the victim and when they were reasonably crying, she lovebombed the shit out of them as if she didn't know what was wrong

Shes forced people to buy her things or she'd throw a fit. It took her 3 years to send something to a victim that was rightfully the victims item and not Cas'.

She slept around and it's very obvious that her husband wasn't chill with the poly relationship. Idk if her husband knows about the sleeping around also take the title husband with a grain of salt, they're not married.

So that's why I say BPD is a generous diagnosis bc even people with BPD don't pull this shit but she does seem to have the FP element with her obsessions over certain people.

They faked being a system as well so I'm actually going to steer towards histrionic rather than narcissistic.

Somethings up that's for sure but it certainly isn't just paranoid delusion (that her husband intentionally feeds into and makes it worse), and psychosis. She's manipulative, uses people for her own gain, doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself, no empathy, no compassion, has no problem lying through their teeth

Also an animal hoarder. I remember her sending me pictures of baby rats saying "my rat got pregnant again" okay so why have a male and female rat together also their enclosure consisted of maybe a single cm of substrate thay didn't even cover the whole bottom of the enclosure. And a cardboard tube from some paper towels. Then I never heard about them again until lo and behold she got another kitten when her last cat was found in a dumpster and they never looked for their cat.

Also lied about their kitten in the past (who is no longer with us as well) being cured of ringworm and invites two people from out of state over knowing full well it wasn't cured and one of these victims is physically scarred from how bad they contracted the ringworm.

I think that should be a crime tbh

I would've sued

But her victims are naturally traumatized and don't want anything to do with her anymore

So she clearly doesn't give a shit about others unless she gains something. I was referred to as the "replacement" and Kayden (now one of my wonderful partners) was sent hate about me being Cas' new "side ho." Which tracks bc I have the same name as one of the victims they're obsessed with. It also tracks why they never gave me affection or love in return it was all take take take, and she lead a double life behind my back and lied to me for over a year, then claimed to be hurt by me having interest in someone else who also abused me and Cas abandoned me right during the worst of it.

She has been intentionally copying me, indirects, vagues, as if they touch me in the slightest honestly it's almost comical how bad of a person Cas is! How do you end up like this? They're one of the most sinister beings I have ever met and I've been in a c*lt before which she conveniently suddenly had a headcanon for her character that they were in a cult and, quote, "a little weird." it's generous to call her a human being, but she would probably like that with her extremely obvious God complex.

So part of me also wants to call this ASPD because the symptoms and behaviors line up rather well. But at the same time I just wanna say she's a shitty person and a brat and selfish just naturally. The things she does are endlessly cruel and it's an honest to God shame that she has a partner, let alone friends who believe her.

My callout is 34 pages and I got the least amount of abuse I think. Just a whole lot of neglect.

So, conclusion?

I have no fucking clue how someone ends up this way even with an armchair diagnosis. She's def mentally ill but has made that her whole personality and is probably misdiagnosed bc she's a pathological liar. OCD and PTSD don't cut it. Sorry.

Anyhow thanks for coming to my Ted talk about what a horrible person Cas is and why people should be aware that she's a threat to both the trans/LGBTQ+ and system communities. She should be publicly shunned which is why I scream into the ether knowing no one gives a fuck, but you ought to.

What if you're her next victim?

[jadedbirch]

Hi i know this is kinda random and i found your post through @certifiedsexed but !

Your post made me realize i was right, i am basically going through a menopause on the new in store birth control ( called o pill ). Which i know some prescribed birth control pills do that but this is my third and wow. Its horrible.

I'm actually considering going off of it and going back to prescribed, I've had pretty much everything you described.

Dry bits

Cold / hot flashes

Night sweats / heavy sweating in general

The sudden worse memory / memory issues

Brain fog thats worse ( keep in mind i have mental disorders that can cause both of those issues- however i thought it was weird that its been really hard for me lately )

Low libido. Like very low.

Not to mention the bit THAT NO ONE TOLD ME until i found out through the horrible doctor google ( and other links ) that birth control shrinks your dink ( apologies for being blunt but i mean the clit so others who read this know * )

Context: I'm a very young adult, drinking age in america.

I didn't have THIS big of a problem with the prescribed birth control pills. If you know anyone or anyone who reads this has taken o pill i would like to hear their experiences.

I thought i was just being dramatic because I'm disabled , but it turns out I've just been making myself miserable. Thank you for that post, i know it wasn't really your original intent but it still helps a lot, at least i can now take care of myself.

Should i tell the doctor that it basically put me through menopause "young" and made me feel miserable or do you think thats a bad idea?

Hi Anon,

I didn't want to just pull an answer out of the proverbial butthole, so like the recovering scientist that I am, I tried to research this. For context, the O Pill is an over the counter, progestin-only birth control pill sold in the US. It works a lot like other BC pills, in that it prevents ovulation and embryo implantation. The big difference with progestin-only pills is that - fun fact - they prevent the build up of tissue is the uterus, so you're essentially supposed to stop bleeding eventually (has this happened to you? How long have you been on it?). Your symptoms sound terrible and while they do sound like menopause, birth control isn't known to "put" someone in menopause. Just because something looks like a dog, doesn't mean it's not actually a wolf, right? But you're right - birth control can lead to clitoris atrophy (ack!), loss of sex drive, and vaginal dryness. Super yay 🙄

The first thing I would do - for science - is get off the O Pill and see if your symptoms go away - at least then you'll know if there's a causal connection to the O Pill. If you've had similar symptoms with other birth control pills, you might not be able to take BC pills. In any case, I would definitely speak to your doctor because there might be a different underlying problem causing all of this distress and maybe it can be treated.

To answer your last question, it's generally not a great idea to antagonize doctors (most of them are already assholes - just kidding - not really - but #NotAllDoctors). But for real, you want them to take you seriously, so you need to advocate for yourself very clearly. Tell them about your symptoms but don't label it as "menopause". Doctors will respond better to just facts. (I've worked with many MDs so just take my word for it - most of them are not out of the box thinkers, and it's not their fault; it's just not how they're trained.). Tell them how you'd like them to help, i.e. what your main concerns are. You may not get a lot of answers about how or why you're getting these side effects (again, our medical system SUCKS at diagnosing anything - which is why we have "diseases" like IBS and fibromyalgia - those are just ways of the doctor telling you they are bad at their job and don't know what's wrong with you), but you might get suggestions for better forms of BC that could work with your unique chemistry.

Finally, I want to say that it really sucks that you're going through this and I really hope you get some answers soon! As someone who spent 15 years getting gaslit by doctors who never could diagnose my chronic illness, I really feel you and hope you don't have the same annoying ass journey! 💖

[glittertimes]

I’m starting to realize that all the problems I have are because i have a dissociative disorder like I’m always so spaced out and I miss appointments and I’ve had really close friends tell me that “I have no personality” and I just have a hard time connecting to people and feeling present in general.

When I was a kid I’d get sent to the principal’s office all the time and when I’d get their id just completely shutdown like I couldn’t answer the principal’s questions I’d just sit there dissociating until they got annoyed and let me leave.

And I just learned about something called shutdown dissociation - and I didn’t realize how connected those two symptoms were!

I’ve always wondered why things are way more triggering for me than most people and it’s because they’re situations where I have to be “a real person” and I have to be aware of my body and my emotions and look presentable and I’m fighting my whole body’s coping strategy of hiding and dissociating and feeling like nothing is real.

And I also just learned cortisol makes dissociation a lot worse and my cortisol was so high in university bc I was so stressed and busy and then I was in this really awful relationship where I didn’t feel safe so I was disassociating from that and then I moved home and I didn’t know how to eat anymore bc I didn’t eat well in Santa Cruz and not eating makes your cortisol even higher.

And now I just feel so disconnected from everything and everyone and it’s making it so hard to do my schoolwork and keep up with things and it’s my last semester I just want to be done!

And I can’t take a break because I know I’ll never come back to school, plus to graduate I have to do this portfolio that’s basically a summary of all the work I’ve done in grad school and if I don’t do it now I’ll forget everything seeing as dissociation really messes with my memory as it loll.

But I just feel very trapped and I’m scared to stop dissociating even though it ruins my life bc I’ve never faced the world without the option of dissociating and I don’t feel safe without that option.

[ange1spitt]

Sometimes i really know im asexual and just fucked in the head bc i dont rly like the swx acts w myself or my partner all the time but i love the closeness and sometimes i do like it (demisexual, but wout like sexual attraction still) and i would enjoy it pre-t too but ya its a complicated experience and hard to separate from mental illness symptoms and also everyone says i have a strong sense of identity but i nwver felt that exactly but w/ever the psych i saw is nice but i think she just assumes all my stuff is bc of testosterone when the symptoms pre dates the testosterone 🥴 like i say i have memory issues and she will say when youre stressed and im like no the problems exist when im perfectly balanced and feeling fine but huge chunks of memory are missing and im dissociating to the ethers 24/7 im just gonna see another psych whos hopefully queer that way they wont suggest im not asexual or imply its bc of the testosterone and won’t tell me to go masturbate when i say im struggling with being hypersexual and i say its bc i want to bond and thats a good way to get the attention i want from my partner in a like. I really want attention from them all the time ugh im also not good at articulating my feelings at all and so when i do express them it feels like everyone argues with my feelings instead of listening to me and thats how i felt like from the psych when i didnt really agree with the bp2 diagnosis because i feel like the hypersexualness is just me trying to get attention in relationships the only way i know how kinda way snd ill go to someone who specializes in personality disorders and trauma too i just need a second opinion

[connormurphyirl]

I also think he may have some kind of hypermobility condition (there are so many) and I have reasons for this!

1) just like me fr. I have a hypermobility condition (Hypermobile elhers danlos, which I believe Viktor may have to a slight degree). This may all be projecting but still. He shows a lot of the same symptoms I do and seems to treat it (socially) very similarly to me and those I know with the same condition(s)

2) it explains some of the problems in his hands. In scenes where he's holding chalk, you can see the tips of his fingers bend too far, which is the most common type of hyperextension.

Fingers ain't supposed to do that. Although this isn't hypermobility on its own, it put the idea in my head.

3) ankles. Pigeon toes are very common in people with hypermobile conditions, and so are toes that point out too far instead of in too far (I have those!). It's also common for them to self-correct as you grow, or get more severe depending on many factors.

3.5) In the floating scene, look at the resting ankle positions of Jayce and Viktor, jayce has a relatively normal angle, while viktors is almost a straight line. A common indication of hypermobility is over-extended resting joint positions like this.

4) why do I think it's Heds? Well, it would be cool to have one of my favorite characters have my same condition, but also look at his skin. Look how pale he is, and how easy it is for him to get eye bags, under eye bruising. Could be other sickness as well but I don't think it is. When he isn't as sick, he's still concerningly pale, even compared to other white characters in the show. He is litterally gray. Paleness is common in people (esp white ppl) with eds bc it's a collagen/connective tissue disorder. What does collagen affect? Skin, can make it semi-transparent which makes you appear both paler and more gray, also leads to easier eye bags, easier bruising, and more visible veins (I can track my veins all through my hand up to the tips of my fingers)

I mean I get he's a scientist who doesn't sleep but come on this is severe, it's purple. It's under eye bruising from lack of sleep, which is incredibly common in ppl with eds to get instead of the normal eyebags with lack of sleep. (I could go into the science behind that but oh my god it's so much science and would derail this post)

5) his weight (pre-sickness-getting-worse). It's very common for people with hypermobile conditions to be thin (not always, but most of the time), and look how tiny this mfs waist was before he got sicker.

It would also explain why the hexcore reinforced his leg while keeping its shape pretty similar. The issue had become muscle and joint weakness. It also can explain the back issues and the spinal fusion. Lumbar compression is common with age in pretty much anyone hypermobile, like 40% of hypermobile people (condition or not) have some kind of significant lumbar compression issue by the age of 50, as young as 30 (if my memory is correct). His case could have been a complex compression because of his use of a crutch, putting uneven pressure and curvature on his spine.

I do love so much the progression of his condition, and how realistic he and the people around him are about it. it genuinely makes me so happy and so sad at the same time.

okay that's all I'm probably just talking outta my ass tbh

Viktors Disabilities, a Speculative Analysis

Ever since i first watched Arcane i have wanted to know (and i mean this in the nicest way possible,) what was wrong with Viktor. His disability was never explained beyond “he was born with a malformed leg”.

And so, i was left alone in the house with my thoughts today so i took it upon myself to figure it out, (and talk about his medical issues so i can ignore my own lmao) and i am releasing my thoughts upon yall!

(disclaimer: yes i am aware that this arcane is a fantasy world that is not our world and the disorders/illnesses and treatments will not be the same but the issues he has have to be based off of something (especially with how detailed this show is and how many references are made throughout.) this is not me trying to say that he definitively has any of these conditions, i’m just comparing them to conditions that exist today and suggesting what Viktors disabilities may have been based off of.)

(disclaimer pt 2.: i have not played League of Legends, i do not intend to play League of Legends, i have only watched Arcane and i am only talking about Arcane and Arcane lore and what i have been able to figure out from watching Arcane and spinning it around in my brain like it’s in a microwave.)

Now, i think i’ll just start from the beginning, and go in order of development.

1. Viktors Leg

According to the wiki (and about every other site that talks about Viktor) he is said to have been “born with a malformed leg”, and said pretty much nothing else. Now, when Viktor is an adult, his leg appears to be very not-malformed, so, let’s start at the flashback.

Now, even in the flashback Viktors leg looks normal. It’s pointing forward, and looks totally fine. But as the clip goes on, and he gets up and starts moving, the problem becomes apparent. Here’s a clip:

Yall have probably already noticed what i’m talking about with this clip, but i want to illustrate it more because the clip moves so fast:

As Vikto moves faster, his foot shifts inwards! It shifts inwards pretty severely (i mean, he full on trips on it), and the only time in this entire clip where it is doing so. And that is because the other times he is around someone else. I think he is purposefully pointing his foot forward and in turn walking on the wrong part of his foot (balance issues), and more than likely causing himself pain 1. to appear less ‘crippled’ and more “normal” to other people, and 2. because clearly, his foot is pointing inwards to a degree that is impairing his ability to walk.

Now to me, (and i’m not a doctor so if any actual doctors want to call me on incorrect information please do so!) this looks like Femoral Anteversion, or a twisting of the femur that points the knees inward (it’s typically found in both legs but it can happen with just one)

Now this isn’t necessarily a terrible thing, ~10% of children are affected with Femoral Anteversion (or “pigeon toes”), and most of the time it resolves itself, unless it is super severe, at which point it requires surgery to fix it. Which, of course, Viktor did not have access to.

Now, his leg does appear to be normal as an adult, but the femoral anteversion thought is still plausible. There are 3 reasons i can think of for this one.

1. He got to Piltover and after a little bit Heimerdinger noticed how messed up his leg was and Viktor got the surgery to correct it as much as possible (it’s implied that Viktor was in Piltover for years, based on how he acts and the fact that he’s Heimerdingers assistant) (this thought doesn’t seem very plausible to me, i don’t remember seeing any surgery scars on his leg in the hexcore scene, but it is a possibility.)

2. He’s simply just still correcting his leg. The reason we wouldn’t see him mess up like we did in the flashback is that he’s about 24-25 in act one, and i’d say that 14-15 years is probably enough to get used to doing that sort of thing.

3. (Honestly this one seems to be the most plausible to me) His leg has (partially) corrected itself. Most children whose femoral anteversion fixed itself had normal gaits by age 8-10, but that’s an average age and those typically aren’t perfectly accurate to everyone (i have. very personal experience with that.) and it makes the most sense to me that his leg has mostly/partially corrected itself and he’s just also continuing to self-correct to avoid appearing any more disabled than he already does (he shows quite a bit of internalized ableism throughout the season, and his line about people not listening to him because he’s “just a poor cripple from the undercity” really drives it home for me, honestly.)

2. Viktors Deterioration

When we first truly see Viktor in act 1, he seems lively, and unless he’s actively walking, he’s not using his cane, not really (he hangs his cane on his arm to read a book with both hands (really great rep btw, we do in fact do that!), he leans it against a desk to pace in front of a chalkboard with Jayce, he puts it down somewhere to go help Jayce with the experiment, etc.).

I mean, look at his stance, he’s not really leaning on his cane for support, more likely he’s using it for balance, and as an assist to his bad leg, rather than an attempted replacement like we saw in the flashback.

But in act 2? Hoooo boy

Look at that, beyond just looking 10x sicker, look at his posture, his shoulders specifically. He is actively leaning on his crutch (because he needs a crutch now, the cane wasn’t enough), using it like a replacement. Now, over the course of the ~7 year time skip, Viktors condition has deteriorated enough that he 1. needs the braces 2. needs a crutch 3. can no longer even get up without his crutch, let alone take a single step!

i mean, even when he’s sitting down, he’s holding onto it, leaning on it. The way he uses his crutch, how skinny he’s gotten, how much more tired he seems, all of these things say some sort of newfound muscle weakness, but why?

And the braces. Let’s start with the leg brace, since it’s right there. How it’s built around the actual leg and knee looks a whole lot like a much cooler unloader knee brace, or a knee brace that redistributes weight away from the weakened knee. I have to wear one of those when my knee gets really bad in the winter, when it starts buckling randomly and just.. not working. Which makes sense for the muscle atrophy/weakness theory i have, because that leg was already weak to begin with, and his knee would have been all kinds of fucked up if he did spend basically his whole life misaligning it like i’m thinking he did. (and to support that theory even further, the way that the brace goes over his foot as well reminds me of the braces some children wear to attempt to correct their ‘pigeon toes’ (which have been proven not to work, btw)

Now, the back brace. I’m gonna be honest, this part took me the longest, it truly confused me.

When you look at it, it just looks like a thoracic back brace, with some extra support on the hips (once again, pointing to muscle weakness)

But the thing that really confused me?

The screws in his back.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out what procedure this was referencing (Percutaneous Pedicle Screw Fixation (i’m like really sure that the screws aren’t showing in the real life surgery but the fact that they are makes sense with Arcanes style)), and an even more embarrassing amount of time to realize that the golden screws in his brace weren’t connected to him. (i am. very tired.)

But essentially, a Percutaneous Pedicle Screw Fixation is a less invasive spinal fusion procedure. Now a spinal fusion can be done for many, many reasons, but only one really fit.

Support, because of muscle weakness.

Every single thing that got added on to Viktor could be explained by muscle weakness, but there’s never any explained reason why he was so weak all of a sudden. His terminal illness is cited as a reason but that didn’t really make sense to me, all of these procedures, all of these mobility aids made perfectly to his measurements would’ve had to have been caused by something with a much slower onset than the illness would have given him.

And after literal hours of scouring, i have a theory.

Post-Polio Syndrome.

The timeline makes sense, Viktor would have most likely gotten sick before the flashback, when he was a child (a lot of children who get Polio fight it off without even knowing they have it). Viktor is estimated to be about 32 in act 2, and the average time between the initial Polio infection and Post-Polio Syndrome onset is about 20-40 years (inconsistent numbers).

Now some of the symptoms we have no way of knowing if they affect Viktor or not, but the main ones that caught my eye were muscle atrophy, chronic fatigue, and, you guessed it, muscle weakness.

Given where Viktor lived as a child, and how heavily polluted it was (remember that Viktor was in the undercity over 10 years before we saw it in act 1 with Vi and Powders childhood), it’s not too far of a stretch to say that he could have contracted an illness very similar to Polio as a child, and only really be feeling the affects of it now.

3. The Illness

I have 2 main theories for Viktors illness, the first one seems to be the most popular among the fandom: Tuberculosis.

If you’re unaware, Tuberculosis (TB) is a sickness that mainly affects the lungs, with the main symptom being coughing up blood. Now this is a really good theory imo, it fits pretty well, with some of the other symptoms being muscle atrophy, fatigue, malaise (general feeling of discomfort/unease with no discernible reason), loss of appetite, and severe unintentional weight loss. all of this sounds like our guy, no?

TB can take weeks to be symptomatic, so we probably just caught Viktor at the worst time ever lol with this theory.

My other theory is actually one my friend suggested to me, and that theory is COPD.

Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) is a progressive disease that is basically a terrible combination of chronic bronchitis and asthma that can be caused by exposure to pollution (Viktor grew up in the Undercity before Cassandra’s vent system, i mean the river he was playing on had an oil slick on it, i think it’s safe to say he was exposed to some pretty severe pollution as a child.)

This theory makes a lot of sense to me, because it’s said in the show that his illness was probably caused by the air where he grew up, which this would have been, while TB would not. (not 15-20 years later, at least) COPD, once it reaches stage 4 is very severe, any flare up of symptoms could be life threatening at that stage, and the symptoms? Fatigue, shortness of breath, coughing, weight loss, and less frequently, coughing blood.

Anyway, i guess that concludes my analysis/comparison? I’m gonna repeat that i’m not definitively saying that ‘he has this condition and this is why!’, i’m just analyzing and speculating on what different parts of his disability is based on in real life. So, let’s just all be nice, yeah? (also PLEASE feel free to use this as a reference point for modern aus and stuff!!)

i do genuinely think that Viktors disease progression and his deterioration is one of the best examples of chronic illness that i have seen in media, in my experience (both with my own issues and what i’ve seen in other people) and Viktor himself is one of the BEST representations of what it’s like to be young and disabled and the internalized ableism that comes with it (if anyone wants to hear about that i will happily yap your ear off about it!

Anyway, for real this time. Yap session over.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[gardenerian]

Back again with an ask about bipolar disorder so please take as much time as you want *if* you want to answer 💜

I think this will definitely be subjective again, so I’m really looking for an opinion. I’ve been wondering lately just how much of Ian’s extreme mania (before the diagnosis) or intense depressive episodes he actually remembers. I know the self-medication probably didn’t help matters, but sometimes I feel like between Ian’s tendency to compartmentalize and possible memory problems, maybe he doesn’t have a good recollection of that period of time early s4. And I feel like maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing? (Unsettling, I’m sure, and potentially dangerous but kinda perfect as far as coping mechanisms go for Ian.) I don’t really see memory problems as a symptom talked about much (in fandom discourse or fics) so I’m wondering how common it actually is and how much that could actually impact someone with the disorder. (Beyond the bit of research I’ve done on my own which is kinda vague lol.)

Hopefully this goes without saying but I’m not trying to really do anything with this information or explain away certain things, it just gets me thinking about the possible implications or meanings behind things. Like I’ve always felt he carried around/wrote things in that little notebook because of his racing thoughts and ideas but maybe he was having problems remembering and needed to write them down? Is that how it even works? If he doesn’t remember what happened while he was working in Boystown, are there things that could jog his memory? I think it opens up a lot of discussion possibilities so wanted your thoughts!

this did take a moment, so thank you for your patience ❤️ i love giving ian and his journey this kind of thought so i never mind questions like this, but it takes a minute to comfortably wade in. i’ll start with my usual preface that i can only speak from my own experience, my own understanding, and what i’ve learned from my own care team. i’m also... not a doctor so grain of salt, etc. others may have different ideas - i am certainly not the end all be all about bipolar. chime in if you want to share. that said, here we go:

i decided to tackle this somewhat chronologically (rereading before posting.. no i didn’t) - i had to organize my thoughts in some capacity otherwise my brain just short circuited every time i thought about ian in the white swallow talking about that helicopter. what the fuck that’s so sad. i don’t think we talk about that enough. 

i think there are a lot of levels to this bc the human mind is baffling and also a raging bitch. 

my first thought, as i mentioned before, is of ian talking to lip about stealing the helicopter before leaving basic. he’s recalling details (i’m not rewatching for this bc i’d probably head straight into a tailspin, so please forgive any errors and let me know if i miss anything major) as he knows them - didn’t steal anything, started the rotors. later he says he did try to steal it, tipped it, blade caught fire. 

there are things he remembers about that - but i think they’re probably like images. flashes of memories. the fire, the groan of the helicopter as it tips, maybe running to avoid getting caught. does he remember his heart racing or his hands shaking or the cacophony of thoughts ricocheting around his skull? probably not. when your mind is growing more chaotic every day, there’s probably not a lot of room to store many solid memories. 

plus, i think the mania greatly impacts his perception of his own memories. and is there anything more terrifying than that? i didn’t steal anything he says, when, if the MPs are anything to go by, he definitely did. i didn’t hurt the baby, he says in s5, when we know that was absolutely a possibility. his judgment grows more and more warped as these seasons progress. 

ALL THAT SAID 

mania and depression are impairments. they are literally altering your brain function and cognitive abilities, and this will be especially true when they get more extreme. changes in sleep patterns and mood are going to impact the way your brain operates. like. blood flow to different parts of your brain changes. memory loss is a common occurrence - not a given by any means, but i think it’s likely that ian does suffer from this to at least some extent.   

there is literally a correlation between mood disorders and cognitive decline (here’s a very depressing study about possible longterm impacts - the part about alzheimer’s ruined my day!). episodes particularly damage your “update and recall” functions of working memory. so it’s difficult for the brain to encode new information and access older memories. working memory is kind of like short term memory - but with the added bonus that not only can you not remember something, the information stored in your brain can also be manipulated. 

with the addition of everything else that mania and depression bring, it’s no wonder ian’s perception of what happens is wonky, to say the least. and because bipolar is the gift that keeps on giving, it’s not uncommon to have memory impairment while IN BETWEEN episodes, too. your brain is just. physically changed. 

like i said before, there are levels to this. you also pointed out that ian is self-medicating a lot AND he’s naturally someone who compartmentalizes. i think it all melds together to make a very painful haze. i cannot fathom the trauma that we don’t see. i cannot even make my brain go there. there are undoubtedly terrors we’ll never know about - and there really is no telling if ian knows or will know everything. if i had to guess, there are likely some ghosts of memories lingering. he mentions in s6 that he doesn’t have a full idea of the number of men he’s been with - between the drugs and mania, this is a very sobering thing to consider.

i think the notebooks are primarily because he is bursting with thoughts and ideas, but i wouldn’t be surprised if his memory also played a role. especially with mania, maybe he’s living so vividly that he’s desperate to record it all for a later time. i am suddenly, breathtakingly sad about that idea. 

with the s5 manic episode, i would wager that all the above factors + the trauma of his hospitalization and diagnosis + adjusting to drugs might make for pretty fuzzy memory. but at the same time…. there are certain colors and smells and sounds that are burned into my memory so? it goes both ways, the brain is a fickle lover. 

have you ever seen eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? there’s that part near the end where joel’s last memory of clem is being erased and he’s seeing these vivid little flashes of moments in the car. quick but stark. that’s what my memory of my most manic days are like and i wonder if it’s also like that for ian. maybe. 

it was actually suggested to me after i was diagnosed to keep a running record of my thoughts so i don’t forget things. my notes app is just littered with bullet points from my day to day, some are mundane and some are unhinged. before i started treatment i once decided that we needed like. a lot of groceries. i spent $200+ ordering more food than we had room for to be delivered to my apartment after work that day. i promptly forgot that i did that, went about my day, then left work and went right to the grocery store to buy all the same groceries. i was fucking gobsmacked when the delivery guy came an hour after i got home. so yeah… even basic things can go right out the window. 

for the depression…. i would think that he remembers very little about that particular episode. my mans is catatonic. not much information is getting encoded at that time. being able to remember that and also not being able to remember that are two distinct kinds of pain and i’m sad that ian would experience either.

tldr: there’s no solid answer and that’s goddamn devastating. ian will never know what he doesn’t remember. and you’re right, given the circumstances, maybe that’s a really weird convoluted blessing. i don’t know enough about brains/memory/science/anything to know if those memories could be triggered, but maybe? probably to some capacity? maybe he’d remember bits of something but not know why….. i don’t know at all. this is the worst tldr ever. 

[fuckingrealityshifting]

Dude I did the head banging too!!! It made my parents rlly considered and yet they didn't realize I'm autistic until this year. The problems of being AFAB

Oh also that last ask from like 5 seconds ago, wasn't me saying you might have autism I'm just going "oh mood"

//

It’s kind of a funny story bc I did depthy research into autism because of an autistic main character I was writing, identified with enough of the symptoms to be concerning but it wasn’t quite right, and I already knew ADHD overlapped a lot, and then I just shoved it away into the back of my mind and didn’t acknowledge it for like.... a year LMFAO

When ADHD posts started popping up a lot during quarantine and with nothing but time to be alone with myself, I finally realized, “wait a minute. oh shit, that sounds like me.” and then I did a lot of research and identified more and it was like the “(chuckles) I’m in danger” meme

I don’t think I have autism because I don’t have the intense sensory issues that present more with autism, but I do think I have ADHD because it feels right in all the places autism didn’t and explains everything better as I think that’s more of a dopamine-based disorder? I don’t know how to explain it because someone else did and they did a really good job and I barely remember it lmfao like while autism is more sensory based ADHD is more like dopamine regulation

Lmfaoo I don’t think my parents are ever gonna realize because:

I visibly stim in front of them, almost constantly with quarantine (with arm shaking my mom asks me if I have Parkinson’s, I once did this idk arm flapping thing in front of my mom while crying after a family fight, and I pace specifically in a circle at literally any given opportunity I ate my breakfast doing that multiple times)

I openly have memory issues (I try to explain my memory is bad except for inconsequential details and they seem to keep under the impression it’s good because of those random details I remember)

They know I procrastinate badly

And I have been described a little bit as a wild child with no explanation so I don’t know how much that implies ADHD symptoms as I don’t exactly understand what that means lmfao but I know I was kinda willful and possibly active bc I remember it being mentioned time out never worked because I’d just leave (though this isn’t exactly strange toddler behavior)

And I don’t think they fully understand what ADHD is (my mom has kinda implied some ‘ADHD’ kids probably just need discipline) and and my cousins have ADHD and they’re incredible hyperactive so their experiences with it are with a totally different presentation.

Plus, you know, another AFAB lmao

I’m gonna make a PowerPoint explaining everything as if talking to a child and ask for a diagnosis test or something or just wait until I’m independent and hopefully have the money to get checked out myself

[habibialkaysani]

okay. so I haven't had a great week, to say the least, and there have been various things going on that have stressed me the fuck out. I don't know if it will help, but I feel like maybe if I write out what's wrong it might take some weight off my shoulders.

my nan had to go to hospital last week. she’s had liver problems for a long time, but in the past month she has really struggled to eat and has had v little appetite. my uncles were being complete and utter idiots and were point blank refusing to take my nan to the hospital despite her literally foaming at the mouth at one point. that was the point when my aunt called the ambulance in the end. 

like I get it. the fear of catching corona in the hospital is valid, but surely, SURELY this is supposed to be based on a cost benefit analysis? and my nan, when she did end up in hospital, had to receive oxygen, multiple blood transfusions and she had to fucking pee out of a catheter, whatever that means. and she was tested - she doesn’t have the virus. but she has a severe infection in her gut I think which is causing not only all these physical symptoms (some which I won’t do her the indignity of describing) but also a lot of confusion and memory loss. I’m worried about her, is the short version.

because of my nan being so ill and no one being allowed to see her, my mother has been going out of her mind bc this is HER mother and despite whatever issues I have with my mum and my nan for that matter I don't want either of them to die. which is why the fact that my mum's blood pressure is going thru the roof is also a Problem.

my dad's blood pressure? also dangerously high. as is his temper. he's been yelling a lot lately, and more on that below, but it's worth noting that the more he shouts obscenities at his own children the more likely it is for him to have a heart attack or stroke - and that's in the words of his own doctor.

my brother. oh lordy. he is just a kid. I can literally still remember him being a baby. he's seventeen now tho and he's been taking drugs. not entirely surprising but what did shock me was my parents both getting calls about how his friends apparently called an ambulance after my brother overdosed. I don't know what he was taking - he says it was weed but I don't believe him. I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm really worried for his wellbeing especially because he told me he can see he's not wanted at home anymore so it's best for him to just leave. only he's still a kid. he's underage. most likely he'll be put in care if he runs away from home, or out on the streets, and these days I genuinely don't know which one is worse. I tried to talk to him, but he doesn't want to open up to me despite me trying so hard to get through to him and not get angry.

anyway my dad confronted him with his usual spiel and hatred like he always does when my brother does something wrong, because my dad doesn't realise that his guns blazing bull in the china shop approach is very likely to be what caused all this in the first place.

all of this drama was happening and was realllly bad yesterday. so it wasn’t entirely surprising that I had a super strong urge to self harm then. thankfully I didn’t (thanks to things I discussed with my therapist and ways to fight the urge) but oh god. I was a lot closer to actually doing it than I have in many months.

I’m still furloughed and am fully aware that I’m in a better position than some people who aren’t being paid at all while they’re off work, but looking for a new job (bc I know that I will be made redundant in a couple months most likely) has been stressful af, especially with how badly I felt I did in my most recent interview. I am debating whether or not to disclose that I have anxiety (or more specifically generalised anxiety disorder) and that that can manifest in interviews, or if this will make me look weaker than other candidates. still in two minds about that one. and ofc. I don’t know if the thing I want to apply for I will actually get, because it’s a Big Deal grad scheme. idk. god. adulting is hard.

my last (group) therapy session was last week. I had ten of them in total, and my options after it were either more group therapy in a different group, or being discharged and then calling the therapy service in three months’ time, so I can see the therapist I’ve been seeing for the past ten weeks one-to-one. but I would still have to wait three months most likely if she has a waiting list. and it’s just so frustrating. I tried so hard with this therapy and it really helped. but there’s some things you can’t say in a group session. some things are simply too personal to mention on there, and not because I don’t want others to know, rather I feel like I would be more comfortable if we all were oversharing, instead of just me. my therapist agreed, and I definitely clicked with her which doesn’t often happen with nhs professionals of any kind. 

waiting for that will be a struggle I think. but with the group therapy I’ve been having where I view this as an academic exercise (and therefore more theoretical, in that part of what we cover is neural pathways and how the brain works, different hormones etc.) so I’m hoping I can treat this as ways to consolidate learning. I’m thinking of making some posters of key strategies that I need to be familiar with in order to get through the tough moments.

last thing I hope - god. I feel like when I write fic I’m just screaming into a void. like the chapter I just posted of my lauryssa fic, I feel like bar one person I haven’t had any comments on the latest chapter and just generally my fics have not had much traction in the past year which makes me less motivated to write them, in all honesty.

all right. I might make another post with some positivity, but for right now I don’t feel up for it. I do feel a bit better having articulated what is going on in my brain tho. so there’s that.

[starlinfae]

Update of sorts. I just found out recently that I've been diagnosed without my knowledge with psychotic personality and mixed personality since at least 2004 (I was diagnosed transgender 2008 though my first visits over that were in 2003 and it was overturned in 2017). Whether I've been knowledgeable in 2004 or 2003 about the first two diagnoses, I do not know but with my current state of being, I do not recall ever being told about those diagnoses or having been treated for either of them at said era or after until 2012 when I had an episode that gave me psychotic personality diagnosis and medication (which nulled my entire sense of self and identity and I lost all talents such as singing and arts and any and all personality traits I identified/identify myself by). And didnt affect however any of the symptoms it was prescribed for.

I had the trauma and dissociation test finished, with the parting words of the nurse admitting based on her idea of the extent of my research into did/osdd (truthfully a few pages on did-research website) that she had a difficult time administering the test and claimed that since childhood I've been without control creating characters (she did not explain where she got this belief) to appeal and try to gain affection from my parents (sounded like kitchen psychology to me and left me entirely confused),while the truth is because of my cult upbringing and unstable mother and the whole religious dynamic pervasive through every single day of my childhood, I would've been making everything worse by play pretending to be a boy toward my parents. (This was the nurses point, that I wanted to be a boy to gain affection as if that would have worked and become a valid method of gaining affection. I have no memories of such nature toward my parents. What I do remember however is macro managing my behaviour by watching my mothers reactions, where she didn't even have to say a word for me to begin changing my behaviour to avoid her flipping on me or punish me for being wrong).

So in short, the nurse said the test indicated zero dissociative symptoms despite the symptoms i told her and I later repeated them to the doctor (she wrote down that my symptoms don't show up in the test as well).

All the interactions of the nurse were leading and suggestive questions that never had a follow up question further than an answer she deemed to support her idea that I don't experience what I experience. As if she has never worked with a trauma patient that predominantly seeks to minimize and deny trauma and triggering experiences by masking them inside a positive thing or twisting it into a positive thing.

Most of the sessions I felt low key attacked and doubted and like I was supposed to know things I have no way of knowing, such as what happens when I experience amnesia or who fronted during the period I experienced amnesia or if someone else in the system knows what has happened during the time of memory loss or how often memory loss occurs (I only became aware of the specific memory loss because it directly involved other people and the appointment times were incorrect compared to which appointment I thought I was going to, if it had never come up the way it did, i never would have caught on the memory loss at all). If I'm the one with the amnesia, how am I supposed to know the answer to these questions?

Or forgetting details such as what lead to my first sex or that I've attempted suicide in the past. Or that I've forgotten one of my elementary school mates (the only real one) had died a year prior to me refinding it out through fb. (I have a memorial necklace charm now, so I won't forget again). Or having ironically good memory of the layouts of the houses I grew up in, except in two of the houses, they both have the same second floor. One is real and the other one, I have no clue where I slept, where I played, who I shared my bedroom with, what happened on that floor, what that floor looked like, where my brothers slept and what did they do day to day. I have zero memories involving that second floor of that house (aside the only one of watching the neighboring house be on blazing fire), where all of us kids still lived at home. I have one hazy memory of my oldest brother (who has been later described by my other brother as generally violent and disturbed toward my other brothers, he almost strangled the third one by hanging him) and that is about him putting so much ketchup on his macaroni that even the dog couldn't stomach it when I took the plate to the dog.

The oldest brother got engaged and moved out while we still lived in that specific house.

Overall I have a good decent amount of memories (where I am either alone, with external people - mainly other children or then feeling rejected, neglected, punished, disapproved of by all family (aside my oldest brother, he's just a black presence that's never in contact with me or any of my memories) including relatives), except any trauma memories (including second hand trauma I have logically witnessed based on the hint memories and what I've been told about our family).

If im telling any "stories" it's one of Nothing bad ever happened in our family and even though I was alone and rejected by everyone, I was a happy kid. Most of my memories are from summer or sunny days.

So I am left hurt, doubted, dismissed and ridiculed even. And I'm leaving things untold that are outright misconduct toward a patient by a medical professional. And I was basically argued and condescended to til the very end and laughed at during a switch (because the doctor didn't understand what the fuck happened during the meeting with the alter who fronted and then us switching and shaking her hand thanking for her time when we were leaving). And these two were supposed to be somehow specialized with dissociative disorders, yet I had to hear how there is zero main criteria that DID has to have and how ICD-10 is just a mix of guidelines and symptoms and differs greatly from DMS criteria and that DID is a very rare disorder, relevantly new diagnosis and is very rarely diagnosed in Finland as if that makes it as rare as their diagnosing of it. And I'm just saying, other diagnosed Finnish people have publicly outright said that if you want help, you ain't gonna get a diagnosis or accurate help through public sector (where I was tested and all the above is from) but that if you want help, you're gonna have to see a private sector doctor. And I can't afford that, unfortunately and I'm so so tired and disappointed and feel unsafe with these people.

My current nurse uses misdirection by disrupting my talking during our sessions by saying irrelevant comments or demanding to finish lengthily their thought that has been established mutually already that it has nothing to do with my situation or the way I cope with things but is how she personally sees it and how it works for her/how she copes and how others cope. And she does this to shut me up. As if I wasn't there for my care and to get help with my problems but socialize with her about what she personally finds works for her and other and how sleeping badly because the brain can't clean itself from gunk can cause memory problems. And she succeeds in shutting me up because she forces me into a social mode/alter instead of listening to the parts that are connected to trauma. So I can't continue talking because I no longer even remember what. The. Fuck. I. Was. Talking. About. I guess my brain is dirty.

The doctor gave us only one diagnosis that is mixed personality disorder and it is described with profound diffusive identity, dissociative symptoms, psychotic personality symptoms.

I'm so fucking exhausted. I haven't wanted to die as many times in my entire life as I have wanted to die these past few months. I've never considered myself suicidal but I just don't want to exist like this anymore. There's no help. No one's offered anything to help with my problems. It's like they haven't heard a fucking thing. "so how have you been feeling?" is the fucking first thing the nurse wanted to focus on. When I told her I shut the whole system down after the diagnosis bc I cant deal with things (because the angry part wouldn't shut up and was making us crazy by going things over and over even though we can't do anything about it and made us completely apathetic we couldn't function) she says "isn't that a good thing?"

ISN'T THAT A GOOD THING??!

Please, I don't know, the fuck, I'm not sure more education is gonna help it. I don't have words left anymore.

[melancoryphus]

AT LAST my psychiatrist agreed to prescribe me adhd medication but first i gotta get the results for a bunch of blood tests and stuff but again he was like ‘im not sure if the cause of your problems is really adhd’. he then failed to elaborate. i feel like hes trying so fucking hard to pin all of my issues on the fact that i grew up with my parents separated despite obviously not knowing about the situation back then. it is unfortunate that my parents broke up right when i was at the age at which adhd and asd symptoms begin to show, this makes it easier for him to seek the root of all issues there, and harder for me to convince him otherwise. my behaviour before i entered elementary school and it all really started going to shit wasnt that of a child that grew up in a problematic household, but how do i convince someone who wasnt there? he then asked for the 5th time where and when i got my adhd diagnosis and he really makes me doubt myself bc despite having a brain disorder thats supposed to make me forgetful i seem to have better memory than everyone i talk to irl ever... he asks me the same questions every time i see him and forgets everything i tell him its so discouraging. really makes me feel like he just doesnt care at all. hes also not an adhd specialist so hes probably looking for all the stereotypical symptoms and thats why he doesnt want to believe me... he never gives much comment when i bring up asd either, so im guessing its the same there, too. i bet he thinks im just being a hypochondriac and my problems can be reduced to anxiety. if it was still a thing i bet hed like to just diagnose me with hysteria and send me off to a mental hospital

anyway im tired as hell and im gonna go play the sims now. i want to build a fucking house. a new one

[toothyblowjob]

hi! i’m anon from mamoru (asking here cus asks aren’t on on ur sims blog) i’m really interested in your thoughts about incorporating disabilities into the sims, i’m trying to develop my own sims game cus fuck ea lol, and i’d really like to be as incorporating of disability as possible. thanks!

damn, my asks weren’t on? that sucks. i think i fixed it now, but i swear i already had them on...

anyway!!!

i’m looking at this more from a perspective of “how to make the sims 4 better” than like “how to make my own video game” and i don’t know much about coding or game development so idk how helpful some of this will be but hopefully some will?? infodump incoming!!! sorry if it’s not that coherent. i’ve bolded some keywords in case you want to only read sections pertaining to certain disabilities.

starting with canes, bc i use one and i wish my simself did: sims 3 had canes, but for some reason they were coded weird so only elders could use them (iirc modders weren’t even able to fix it?? wtf ea). plus ts4 has custom walkstyles, and your sim can hold things like umbrellas while walking, so it’s almost definitely possible to add canes and crutches.

adding walkers would probably be a very similar process, tho i can imagine there might be some issues w clipping? not that ea has ever given a single fuck about that lmao

i’m a little bit less sure how wheelchairs would work, but the best reference i can think of is the strollers from ts3, or maaaybe some of the smaller vehicles. i have a vague memory of like a bike or a hoverpad or something that you could ride everywhere and not just on the road, but idk. the main issue i can see is that certain animations and interactions would need to be a lot more flexible--eg, sims would need to be able to do things like cook or paint or give hugs while sitting down. i can also see it being a little tricky to animate “transfers” from like, a wheelchair to a desk chair or w/e. honestly i think this would be easier to implement in sims 4 than it would have been in sims 3, because ts4 at least allows you to multitask some things. idk, it would probably be on the harder side, but holy shit it would be so worth it.

and then for some reason when i think about wheelchair users in the sims i start to wonder how feasible it would be to include little people (i hope that’s the right term?). simmers have been wanting height sliders since at least ts3, but any time a modder tries to add one the animations start getting kinda wonky, and i don’t think anyone’s really considered a height slider that goes low enough to make sims with dwarfism. i KNOW there are non-sim games out there that use height sliders, but idk how tf they do it without giving everyone telekinesis.

there was a mod in sims 3 that added sliders for amputated limbs, but it was a purely cosmetic thing, so like, sims would still walk like they had two legs or write with their “missing” hand or w/e. ideally i’d love to see a way to give sims limb differences that actually affected how they went about their lives + gave them the option to use prosthetics. i found a set of running blades in the “shoe” category for sims 4, but like... if you give them to a sim they’ll still magically grow legs in the shower lol.

deafness i think ties into my desire for sims to be able to speak multiple languages. not all deaf people use sign language, of course, but it would be great if sims had the option. i guess languages would function like any other skills, and if two sims don’t have any languages in common, they won’t be able to communicate beyond very basic things. maybe if you wanted a deaf sim to be able to speak, you could hire a speech therapist, or purchase some sort of object for them to practice with. also, dyou remember the earbuds in ts3 that made it so like, you’d only hear the music when you selected the sim using earbuds? i think you could probably make it so that when a deaf sim is active the game volume is either much lower or completely off. then for things like hearing aids, you could equip them and the volume would get a little bit higher.

blindness could use a similar mechanic, but instead of everything being silent, everything would be very dark and low-contrast. maybe objects that were making noise or places your sim had been before would have more detail. blind sims could also use navigation canes that would like... light up the area immediately in front of them.

invisible disabilities, allergies, and neuropsychiatric conditions would probably be a bit easier to add. sims 4 has a “quirk” system for celebrities where certain actions can trigger your famous sims to develop new traits. 

i think the best example of how you could use this to make, for example, mental illnesses is the “emotion bomb” quirk. famous sims develop it after experiencing intense anger or sadness, and it basically makes them experience that emotion much more intensely. that’s already a symptom of a mental illness called bpd! so what if something like repeatedly being mean to a child sim had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop bpd? or if having a powerful sad or tense moodlet had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop depression? 

(side note: i can really easily picture something similar to the “dark form” for ts4 vampires being used for dissociative identity disorder. genetics would be consistent across all personality states, but they could have different traits and voices and clothing,)

certain conditions could also be present at birth, like autism or adhd. i actually have custom traits for these; they’re not perfect, but if you want to google them they might be a good reference. one little thing that i think would be neat is if autistic sims had idle “stimming” animations, like flapping their hands or spinning in a circle. the biggest problem, though, is that autism and adhd are highly variable and i’m not sure how to make it so that not all autistic sims have the same behaviors.

allergies i guess would have to have some sort of severity scale, and be triggered by a sim eating a certain food or petting a certain animal. i’d want the likelihood of a sim developing a particular allergy to be pretty low, but that’s just me lol. maybe sims with allergies could keep meds on hand to deal with the worst of their attacks?

actually, the allergies thing reminds me--diabetic sims! depending on which type, a sim could either be born with it or contract it later in life. i’m not totally familiar with how insulin works, but a sim could have a pump equipped to mitigate their symptoms, or take regular injections.

i have a custom trait in my game for chronically ill sims, which basically makes their energy deplete faster and sometimes gives them moodlets with little blurbs about their illness. this seems like a pretty good system for chronic illnesses, but obv it would vary a lot by which illness your sim has--eg, would you actually animate a sim with ehlers-dahnlos popping a joint out of their socket, or would you just give them an uncomfortable moodlet? in particular, though, i think the mechanic that makes elder sims unable to do most exercise would be great for sims with dysautonomia. 

also, i’ve mentioned some assistive devices already, but i think figuring out how treatment works would be a big deal. do sims have single-payer healthcare, or do they have to pay for everything themselves? can sims crowdfund their medicine? what kind of treatments/cures are available? are their side effects? some conditions don’t have cures irl, but maybe a sim can pay like $30k to a witch to make their fibromyalgia go away!

this is almost definitely more info than you wanted and i’m kinda embarrassed i wrote this much, but uh... here you go, a mostly stream-of-consciousness essay on disabilities in the sims! god i hope it’s readable

[muslimsonic]

ADHD: Executive Dysfunction

Alright, so I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about how people struggle with understanding what ADHD is, how it operates, and how it differs from the experiences of the middle 50% [25%-75%] considered the average. And I didn’t research ADHD for 9 hours straight not to dump all of this here.

Note: I have ADHD, I’ve researched this, but I am not a medical professional blah blah blah ok now onto the fun interesting stuff!!!! 

I put this under a cut bc its,,,, longish.

What is executive functioning?

Executive functioning is what carries you from day to day tasks. It’s like the constantly active personal assistant in the back of your head. Let’s call them Effie. Effie constantly makes lists and breaks down tasks for you! I don’t mean large projects, I mean the simple stuff!

Like doing your laundry.

If you have ADHD, or anything with executive dysfunction as an issue, then you probably already know that the simple stuff hardly ever feels simple.

Doing your laundry requires many motions, most of which you omit in listing what you must do to complete this task.

Someone with executive functions in working order, probably

1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine

2. Put the laundry in the washing machine

3. Put the detergent in the machine

4. Turn on the machine

5. When it is ready, put the clothes in the dryer

6. Collect the clothes when finished

7. Take them back to your room

8. Fold and put away

Tada! All done. There are quite a few steps omitted that you would consider givens. However, try and apply this precise list to someone with executive dysfunction, and you will most likely not have the same success, because of the number of places where steps conflict, being thrown out in favor of what is done immediately. Here’s a small idea of how many cracks are in this plan, even at step one:

1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine

When?> I’ll do it after I finish what I’m doing > Oh no I just remembered something else > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes for work/school/whatever > MISSION FAILED

When?> Someone else is using the washing machine now, i’ll do it later > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes :( > MISSION FAILED

Why? > I have enough clothes right now, I’ll be fine > Oh no I ran out of clean socks + underwear > MISSION FAILED

What?> There’s no detergent so I can’t do this  > (at the grocery store) I think i have everything! > Oh no i forgot detergent > I have no clean clothes :( > MISSION FAILED

When?> I have too much free time so I’ll do it after I take care of this other thing that’s equally important > Oh no I forgot to do my laundry I don’t have anything to wear > MISSION FAILED

In what order? > There’s too much to do and they are all registered in my head as permanently equal priority so I have to do them all at the same time, but I can’t do them all at the same time, so I physically am unable to proceed until this loop/error is resolved.

What extra steps are involved?> Huh i know i have to take my laundry to the washing machine, but there’s also stuff in the washing machine area/on the way there that needs to be moved in order to do it, but I haven’t thought of that, instead seeing metaphorically an indistinct looming mass of extra equal priority work around taking my laundry to the washing machine > I don’t do it > MISSION FAILED

And that’s only a few of the cracks in step one.

See the problem?

Let’s take a closer look at how deep it goes. Do you know how much you rely on executive functioning in your day to day life? Yes? No? How did you get out of bed this morning? How did you open your eyes? Everything you do, even running away from something chasing you, is dependent on executive functioning. Memory. Recall. Starting anything, and I mean anything. Breaking down what needs to be done. You’re so used to it, you see a lot of the steps as givens not needed to be stated. When do you do this? What priority level is this? Every success you’ve had in your life, you would not have had without your executive functioning.

It’s the messenger, sending signals from the hub, recall this, you have to do this, this task is more important than this, this is what you’re going to do. It translates thought into action, idea into concept into reality. It’s the Director, streamlining things, going into crisis management when you make a major mistake or fail to do something, or have something due, or or or. Granted, executive functions aren’t the be all end all of human success, but they are to you as a foundation is to a building.

Scary to think what would happen if it just

stopped.

You could think all you want, of course. You need to do this. You want to do that. You scream and rail and fight against a prison of your own unresponsive limbs.

There’s nothing physically wrong with your limbs. They are in perfect working order. Or at least as working as they had been before. There’s no reason for you to feel like this. You feel like your brain is setting itself on fire in its attempts to send it messages to get a response any kind of fucking response. You feel hopeless. You gain no mental traction. You gain nothing but your own hatred and frustration and gain the same of others too.

Because they think you’re faking it. That you just don’t want to do it hard enough. That you just need to apply yourself.

The thing is, you’ve been trying. Your mind is a car in a swamp, uselessly running its wheels to no avail, sinking deeper and deeper into the muck. You are straining as hard as you possibly can. There’s no more gas in the tank. You have nothing left to give.

And you have nothing to show for it.

In this hell, you’ve accomplished nothing. You’ve succeeded at nothing. Nothing you do, nothing you say, and nothing you want can ever happen in this moment.

You almost feel like dying. But you can’t. You can’t, not because of will to live, not because of hope, and not because of love, but because you cannot get your limbs to remember what motion is, your brain to remember the past, and your heart to remember restraint. Frustration, anger, hatred, all of the ugliest emotions the soul has to offer spill over. You feel like you can never be happy again. That you’ve never felt happy before. That this awful feeling crawling into the crevices of your lungs and trachea and curling its way around your stomach and spleen is what you will feel like for the rest of your life.

And then you forget. You forget everything that got you to that point. the wave recedes. you feel nothing. you remember only blurs of what occurred at best. only to experience the same fucking thing again, and again, and again and its always as raw and drowning as the first time you felt it, you never grow used to it, and it will never stop, it will never cease, and no one believes you when you say you are trying. You are a soul inside a vessel that doesn’t want to be yours.

anyways! while this may seem like an extreme, the last few paragraphs are a pretty solid descriptor of how living with executive dysfunction feels like! this is also a solid reason why people with ADHD are more likely to have anxiety and depression! the same thing is characteristic of people with disorders that have executive dysfunction as a symptom!

so TL;DR: Executive Dysfunction is not the same as laziness; it is a fundamental difference in the brain structure and wiring or a deficiency in neurotransmitter production.

speaking of that, moving onto the physiological side of executive dysfunction! Yes! There’s actually a physiological side to ADHD! Pretty sure that’s a characteristic of all brain disorders illnesses and the like but people still say its fake! :D

ok i’m getting tired so heres the rundown:

lower catecholamine levels: catecholamine is a class of neurotransmitter that includes fun stuff like

Dopamine: the motivation sauce

Seratonin: Happy Happy Happy

Adrenaline: you put this in epipens. fight or flight

Noradrenaline: also fight or flight. includes attention as well. at higher levels, anxiety. Thanks, God.

Its bad. bc the body’s natural reward system (dopamine) isn’t at normal levels, the nice little feel good kick after you make your bed or brush your teeth?? nope!!!!!!! Thus there is little internal motivation to do anything. WOW!!! How did adhd get passed down in the gene pool???? is it recessive?? bc im rly at a loss. idk someone with a medical degree in brain science dm me abt it. I rly need to understand.

Also the frontal lobe, y’know the thing controlling judgment, morals, impulses, emotions, all of that fun stuff???? it’s usually behind in development, typically evening out mid to late twenties, but its still,,,,, not Great. Wow!!

White matter abnormalities are apparently a thing too?? White matter is the brains messaging system so when that’s messed up I’m pretty sure thats not a good thing.

anyways, i’m tired now, its been 2 hrs since i’ve started writing this and I have a metric ton of things that I needed to start but didn’t, so

TL;DR: ADHD (and by further extent, executive dysfunction)has a basis in science and has physiological stuff associated with it that (i think since MRIs aren’t being used to diagnose adhd) is just being studied recently, and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh google exists use it b4 getting into arguments abt the existence of disorders and such. plz. im begging you.

[durifmdarchived]

guess who’s back,, back again. ah yes, it is, once again, anthony! i decided that i really needed to revive my entire smol son, duri. just this time around, he’s older, and in the form of one of the lomls, choi minho! oh and also now the main vocalist 1 of knight (because c’mon, my ass is so in love with exo like when i was still high after my colonoscopy on friday, i told my family i was gonna go home and listen to exo,, so now we know who fully owns my entire ass.)  anyways ! we’re going to move on from that and get right until it! here is duri’s biography, profile, and plots! 

just a friendly reminder that under the cut, there will be mentions of post-traumatic stress disorder, car accident, parental death, and anxiety! any bullet point that deals with any four of these topics will have the tw at the beginning! 

duri was born on december 25th 1990 to two young college students, oh jangmi & park seah, in incheon, south korea. even though they did something rather irresponsible, the two of them were still very responsible and were going to work so hard on taking care of little duri. 

he spent a lot of time with grandparents since the both of his parents will still college students and they wanted his parents to be able to get their degrees. which of course, the two would later do; seah in business and jangmi in pharmacy. 

 when he was three years of age, his parents wed in a beautiful spring ceremony. there’s a bunch of pictures of him looking cute as heck at the wedding. but, he doesn’t really remember it, he only has the pictures. 

he was honestly... the cutest little child who was just so happy and energetic, always respectable of people. he would easily melt your heart honestly.

TW: CAR ACCIDENT & PARENTAL DEATH; when he was five years old, his life took a turn for the complete worst. one spring morning, when the remaining of winter was still hanging on, and on his way to school; himself and his family would be involved in a car accident. his mother died instantly with the impact, while his father died sometime after. duri would later wake up in hospital; remembering every detail that happened with the car accident, as well as remembering his family members, but his memories before than would sit as a blur in his mind,  and he would be haunted by this accident for the rest of his life, most likely.

was sent to live with his uncle, minho, and his aunt, taekjo, in seoul. they own a really popular cafe and it’s literally come to age a lot; i’m thinking they live and work somewhere in itaewon. the two took really good care of duri, as if he was their very own son (minho and taekjo couldn’t have any children because taekjo is unable to bare children) basically he was born through their hearts. they taught him happiness, the wonders of the world, and everything else in between.

he really only considers incheon his birth place and not really a hometown due to the bad memories that linger there. he considers seoul to be his hometown due to living in seoul the longest and stuff like that. 

TW: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER; he really started suffering from post traumatic stress disorder; he would often relive the car accident in his sleep and he’d wake up basically screaming, then would cry once he came back to reality. he would also panic if something would accidentally smash in the cafe and no one really understood what was going on. but, minho had looked for answers and finally came up with what matched duri’s symptoms. he would later attend counseling. his dreams were never the same, they’d follow the same general thing, but something about it was always different, which is why duri can’t remember the accident fully. 

he found and interest and solace in music; which was something that later became a love and something that he wanted to do for a career. he would take singing lessons before going on to learn guitar and piano as well. he would partake in the café’s open mic nights for something fun to do. 

even though he had all this interest in music; he didn’t have an interest in auditioning for entertainment companies yet. he didn’t feel like he was ready, he wanted to take care of himself fully, focus on his studies, and studying music. even though minho & taekjo really thought he should audition, they respected his wishes. 

as high school rolled around, he attended seoul school of performing arts (sopa) where he basically focused on music and performing for his later use. he was pretty popular with people due to his happy and caring attitude as well as his skill level in music (ofc there were some jealous but w/e.) at showcases, he was always scouted by a load of entertainment companies but he always turned them down due to the reasons stated above. 

after graduating high school, duri decided that he was going to enlist in the military. he thought it would be better to do this, believing he’d finally be ready to chase after his dream once he did his enlistment. he would become a public servant due to the ptsd (but it wasn’t that bad, which was why they had allowed him to stay) and he’d even get to be in the military band, which he was really happy about. 

though, while he was in the military, he got bad again mental health wise due to the fact he wasn’t keeping him with his therapist and etc, so he started having his pervious issues once again. he thought it was just a phase that he’d get over but spoiler alert, it’s not. 

after graduating from military enlistment, he decided to finally audition for an entertainment company. bc entertainment was the first one to have auditions, so duri decided to go for that company; besides, he really liked both decipher and bee, so it just seemed like it would be the place for him. he auditioned without the knowledge of his uncle and aunt because he wanted to surprise them if he got in. 

so, he went to the open auditions, felt a little odd because he felt like the oldest person there among a bunch of teenagers and stuff. but anyways, he went over what he had to do in his head to himself as he waited, before his audition group would finally be called.

they all lined up in the room and went one by one, but the guy who was doing the auditions, was hella strict and kept stopping people and yelling out next. he would always give people a look of sympathy and told them they did well.  and before he knew it, it was his turn. 

he stepped up to where he had to be, before introducing himself, and proceeding to strum his guitar and singing decipher’s “replay.” the trainer finally stopped looking down and writing, looking up at duri and being memorized by his voice. duri was the only person to go for the full allowed time. after that, he was asked to dance and like he had no idea what to do?? so he just kind of.. busted out the moves to bee’s tell me and hoped for the best. it worked and he got the paper to go into the next room, where he would pass the audition completely, later going on to sign the trainee contract.

he wasn’t a trainee for very long (hoping i did the math correctly ajknfakkn but we’re going to pretend i did) basically he was almost immediately placed into the lineup of knight and his entire training was basically the nine months before debut that knight was known by the public. guess word got around about his voice, which was why he was there so quickly. i’m like 99% sure some people probably didn’t like duri for that sole reason that he was going to be debuting so quickly over some other trainees. 

duri is one of the members that are basically without scandal to be honest. though, he did have a small thing once where a large group of netizens were saying that he was faking his personality for the cameras that there is no one he’s so sweet, caring, and generally really happy all the time. but, it was shut down quickly by non-fans of knight whom had great experiences with duri, letting people know that he really is the way that he presents himself to the public. soon, netizens felt like duri was someone they could trust and someone who wasn’t going to cause problems like some of the other members (no shade i promise xx)

bc 100% pushes duri for his voice over everything else. he lost out on a lot of acting opportunities, since bc rejected all acting offers for him; only accepting the ost offers, basically. though, they did let him star in lipstick’s excuse me last year. otherwise, it’s just pushing him for his voice. while he doesn’t mind it since he does want a solo, he still feels like he’s easily missing out on acting opportunities. 

so personality wise, duri is a vv good person. he’s really nice and sweet without a mean bone in his body. he’s someone that people can really take advantage of because he has such a big heart and doesn’t really ever say no. he’s always happy and smiling; even though his mind is in pain. has fake maknae energy, one big ol’ puppy. the softest boy !! 

he’s also such a big brother like your his younger friend?? suddenly he’s like your big brother !! 

obviously member of knight’s hyung line !

he’s fluent in two languages korean (obviously his native language) and japanese. 

in his free time, he really likes reading books and watching movies/dramas. 

he so badly wants to move out of the knight dorm just so that he can get a dog(s). 

gg enthusiast (i mean he does really enjoy bgs too but he loves ggs ok !!) and also a vv big ariana grande fan. 

night sky enthusiast; has a connection to the stars due to a story his grandmother told him when he was younger. 

TW: paranoia / anxiety / claustrophobia;  he doesn’t drive because his paranoid about it & he always takes the stairs, never going in the elevator because he feels like it’s closing in on him and he starts to panic. 

this got really long and i think this is all i can say about duri ?? but anyways thanks for reading,, i love duri sm :(((

[ncstalgics-blog]

hey cool kids!! i’m mina ( 21. mst. she/her & they/them. ) and what can i say?? i love the damaged kids, lmao. so as such, i’ll be writing violet harmon from american horror story, as well as effy stonem from skins uk. real quick disclaimer: bc i’m an uncreative dumpster fire of a person, this ooc bit is going to be the same for both intros with slight, important stuff changed. so without further ado, below you will find the intro to my daughter who deserved better, violet! you can find effy’s intro here. & !!! if you’d like to plot smash that ♡ button and i’ll come to you or feel free to hmu. 🤗

[ TAISSA FARMIGA , CIS FEMALE , AMERICAN HORROR STORY ]    looks like we have a new SEVENTEEN year old in town. the only thing they remember is that they’re called VIOLET HARMON. i’ve been observing them, they seem pretty WITTY & A LONER. recently, SOME of their memories have been returning. they’re bound to cause some trouble.

another big disclaimer bc apparently i’m just lovin’ those tonight: i did not and will not to ( lmao talk to me abt it i’m salty and can RANT ) write this season of american horror story ( apocalypse aka season eight ) into violet’s character bc well, the writers screwed her over but that’s all i’m gonna say about THAT.🍵 everything else like how she got to anville is kinda just loosely an original take bc well she’s dead and stuck in a house in CALIRFORNIA canonically so some improvising was needed, lmao. 

tw: death, suicide, depression, bpd, & mental illness mentions briefly of: miscarriage, bullying, school shooting, murder, affair, & rape.

so tbh nothing real big happened in violet’s life up until she was like 13 minus like her parents’ huge fights and shit & that she was bullied like,,,, REAL BAD. but anyways, 13 is pretty much when it went downhill.

her grandma passed away when she was 13 and around this time violet started showing signs and symptoms of clinical major depression and i would even argue borderline personality disorder tendencies. her grandma was a big person in her life and someone she felt really understood her. so it didn’t help her depression in the SLIGHTEST that the last words her grandmother said before dying were, “they’ll never understand you” and to none other than lil violet. 

well, her parents started having personal / relationship problems as it goes and due to the adultery of her father after her mothers miscarriage, they all packed it up and moved to california and said bye-bye to boston. 

violet highkey fucking hated cali until she met tate, who died in the house they moved into, which also is basically the place everyone and their mother dies in ( hahaha!! foreshadowing!! spoilers!! ahs inside joke!! ... i wish i was actually funny kajdn ). bc violet is, how she would say, “attracted to the darkness” and also able to relate deeply with tate, she immediately was so taken with him and intrigued and eventually fell in love with him without knowing that he’s a walking-talking jeffrey dahmer who shot up his school, raped and got HER mother pregnant, and murdered a bunch.  so um not only yikes but... gross.

this led to violet unfortunately committing suicide but thankfully cutting tate out of her “life” for good when she became a ghost like him. so basically tons of other irrelevant shit happens and every person of the harmon family basically dies and that’s how it ends and ends in my books ( ahs season 8 episode 6 is DEAD TO ME hahahah ).

well then another family bought the house she lived in as a ghost and somehow violet ended up attaching herself to one of the newbies. so eventually when she realized this, with the help of her parents, she scared the new owners out of the house, which inevitably helped her to escape too ( sidenote: she was also really torn in the beginning to leave bc she does love her parents sm but sis time to live yo life right ). during travel, she was able to experience life outside but couldn’t interact with it. when she got to anville, however, i’m just gonna mock it up to say that whatever supernatural thing happening there is also what gave her a second chance at life. interestingly enough, while she has some of her memories, i would say that she knows pretty much everything before she died and that she didn't move to california but to anville instead. so her dying and traveling to anvile and now being alive again are things she doesn't remember or remember correctly.