#i know i'm preemptively mad

[cervidsunrise]

.

[trappedinafantasy37]

Minthara's Underdark ending, although far from her worst ending, is quite the tragic one. And I'm talking about when she goes to the Underdark by herself and this is considered her "default" ending.

The entire game, when she speaks of home, it's with heavy grief and sadness. She says she will miss home until the day she dies, accepting that she will never go back. To return is to beget death as she would be returning as a traitor to Lolth. And as a former paladin of Lolth, she knows better than anyone what is in store for her. She knows she will be hunted down and has a target on her back.

So it is especially tragic that when left to herself, she goes back to the Underdark anyway. Danger and treachery is all she has ever known, but her dialogue at the party almost hints that she isn't enjoying it this time around.

In her Baldur's Gate ending, she seems so much happier. Ruling the city from the shadows isn't without its dangers, but it most certainly is not as dangerous as the Underdark is. If you romance her, this is what she actually wants to do. She wants to stay on the surface with you and slowly but surely take over Baldur's Gate. She only returns to the Underdark because you propose it. If you never mention it, she embraces and welcomes the biggest change of her life and learns to live on the surface, something she had never once considered before in her life. Your presence gives her the courage to do things she has never done before and embrace change.

But without you, she returns to the only thing she has ever known because she is too afraid to embrace the change, too afraid to walk a different path. Where staying on the surface is so much more terrifying than returning to the Underdark where she will constantly be looking over her shoulder. Shunned by Lolth, she feels lost and doesn't know what to do with herself. Up until 6 months ago, she had a purpose, destroy the Absolute. Then that quickly changed to claim the Absolute. The idea of claiming the Absolute, she saw a future that already fit her world view and details everything she needed to do because it wasn't so different that what she would of otherwise done. She already imagined a world of conquest, and she preemptively gave herself a long term purpose.

Without the Absolute, without you, she has no purpose, and no real reason to stay on the surface, and does not know what else to do with herself. At least in the Underdark she has a purpose and it's the same one that any noble female drow would have: kill mom and become matron. But I don't know if Minthara has really thought of what to do beyond that because she's not particularly good at straying from preset courses on her own. There is this potential risk of regression here. Of turning back into that prideful woman that the Absolute was able to easily lure into a trap. To return to the person who was lost in blood and madness, and Minthara already sees herself as being mad for even returning to the Underdark to begin with. Even though she has every intent to piss off Lolth, I can't help but wonder if Minthara who is left completely alone and lost would return to Lolth if she made Minthara a sweet sweet promise, throwing Minthara into the same damned cycle all over again.

[thezombieprostitute]

Tech Tuesday: Quarterly Updates

I don't have the energy for writing out a longer chapter, but I don't want to leave you all hanging, so I'm opting for a snippet for each pairing to give you an idea as to where each story is at.

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Bucky & Sweetie:

Bucky holds your hand in the parking lot of The Mad Hatter. He and his friends have helped you prepare as best they can. Part of you knows you should wait until after you've calmed down from August's assault, but you know that you won't be able to rest until you've got an assured source of income for you and your brother.

"Don't worry, Sweetie," Bucky squeezes your hand. "You're gonna ace this interview. You're smart, skilled, and the queen of customer service."

That last part makes you snort laugh and you're rewarded by his face scrunching up in a smile.

"Do you want me to go in with you or wait out here?"

"You've already done so much, even just getting me the interview. I need to know I can do this without you giving Jefferson meaningful looks or additions or anything."

"I understand," he nods. He gives you a small kiss on the cheek. "You've got this."

Curtis & Heart

The alarms go off and you spring into action. Chase is coding, you think. No! Not Chase. It's just another patient!

You push down all of your fears, anxieties, and focus on the work that has to be done. The doctor instructs you to prep the epinephrine while he begins chest compressions.

The next several seconds feel like an eternity but all you can do is go through the motions. Treat him like any other patient. Follow the doctor's orders. You've done this hundreds of times, no need for this one to be any different.

When his heart finally starts beating again, there's a collective sigh of relief. But the relief gets cut short for you when look up and realize Chase is awake and looking right at you.

Geralt & God

The monthly competition is coming to a close. God has a demanding lead this time. He wants to play at what Geralt did last time he was in the lead and preemptively move the rubber ducky prize to his desk. But he will be a good sport and set a good example.

Besides, with D&D as a regular outlet, they've found themselves more relaxed in general. They've not only found a safe space with each other, but with others as well. It's been good for them.

Jake & Sunshine

You and Jake are sitting at the dining room table doing your weekly schedule and budget check-ins.

"I know the company is catering the picnic, but I still want to make up a few things in case the twins are feeling picky that day," you tell Jake.

"I'm sure the caterers won't be offended," he reassures you. "Plus, depending on what you bring, the G's might also partake."

"I hadn't thought of that! I should make up some buttered noodles, just in case."

"You know you don't have to cook for everyone, Sunshine," he gently smiles. He leans closer to you and caresses your cheek. "I'm a little worried about you overworking yourself."

"I promise I'm not," you shake your head. "I just...Luke and Leia are getting more independent and soon they'll be off to school. I've gotta readjust my energy or something. I'm used to being needed 24/7 but now..."

Jake moves his chair next to you and holds you. "For what it's worth, I definitely need you 24/7. I couldn't function without you."

"That goes for both of us," you answer with a kiss.

Jonathan & Rose

You feel like you're taking a risk tonight. It shouldn't feel like that. Jonathan certainly isn't the one making it feel like a risk. But you still feel like it is.

After the encounter with your work friends, you'd wanted to have a simple night in. Jonathan had acquiesced and the two of you planned a dinner date where you'd cook together and curl up on the couch watching a new movie.

Since the date was happening at your place, you decided to take a risk, and let yourself dress comfortably. Sweatpants and your favorite t-shirt. It shouldn't feel like you're taking a big step, it's just comfy clothes, after all. But Jonathan's only ever seen you in your nicer clothes. Ones that fit you well.

It feels unfair, too. He's so handsome he could wear a crop top and booty shorts and still look good. Meanwhile you're scared to look like anything less than perfect.

There's a knock at your door. Too late to change now, you think.

When you open the door, Jonathan is there in jeans and a t-shirt. He looks at what you're wearing and smiles. "You look gorgeous."

Johnny & Darkangel2000

Johnny Storm, TheHumanTorch69, whatever name he goes under he's still a pain. He's followed up on his part of the agreement. He's helped you with some really bad people.

But you can't stop thinking about him, and that's a problem.

You're not used to guys doing as they promised. Being understanding. Wanting to help. Part of you wants to take him up on his offer of doing more, but you just can't risk being betrayed again.

Elsewhere in the world, Johnny finds himself unable to sleep because he's worried about you getting caught, getting in trouble, or worse. He really wants to step in, but if he does, there will be consequences and he's not sure he can handle those.

Lloyd & Maestro

"Yellow," you manage to wheeze out.

Lloyd immediately stops and goes into care mode. "What's going on, Maestro? What do you need?"

"Water," you rasp.

Lloyd winces at the sound of your voice but quickly gets the bottle of water by the bed. He knows he's been overdoing it. He knows he's been pushing you to your limits, and maybe even a little beyond. But he still can't fully figure out why he's doing it. And that scares him.

He holds you in his arms and tips the water bottle so you can drink from it.

"There's my good girl," he coos. "Thank you for using the color system. I'm so happy you did." Given your previous encounters with doms who didn't respect the system or the safewords, he has been worried you'd just let him get away with anything, too scared to try to speak out. He wants to make sure you know it's okay and that he will respect it.

Now if only he could figure out why he's so insistent yet scared of pushing you away.

Mike & Boss Lady

"Oh, one more thing, before we're done with our weekly meeting?" Mike pleads. You nod your approval. "I know the end of the semester is coming up, and I'm supposed to have made a bunch of progress on this project but...um..."

"How far behind are you?" you raise an eyebrow. You're genuinely surprised. The meetings with Mike, meetings with the department about the database have all been going well.

"I'm not! I'm just...I'm...um...if I can..."

"Take a deep breath," you gently urge.

He does as instructed. "I was wondering if you'd be interested in keeping me for another semester? I know I've got the database going well, but I also know there's a lot more I can do with it."

You nod. "We'll have to confer with Pine and Syverson down in IT, but I certainly don't have any objections."

Mike smiles, relief written all over his face.

Ransom & Bubbles

The car is silent. Ransom isn't sure where you're taking him, but he's not about to ruin what little progress he's made by speaking.

Well, he might have tried talking if only you weren't angrier than he's ever seen you. Come to think of it, he can't remember any time he's seen you angry. He's not sure how to react other than to let you take the lead.

The car pulls into a parking lot next to a small building with a sign that says "Community Mental Health" on it. You pull up to the entrance and park the car before turning to Ransom.

"I've accepted the apology, but you've not yet earned the forgiveness." Ransom nods, understanding. "Forgiveness is going to take a lot of work. And you're going to start by going into that building and setting up an appointment with a therapist."

Ransom's eyes widen a little. He looks so scared but you know this has to happen.

"For months now I've been pushing you to get a therapist. You've made a lot of progress, but you need professional help, just like I did. Just like I still do. This place does income-based payment for sessions, so no complaining that you can't afford it."

Ransom wants to run, panic, get away. He knows he needs the therapy, but actually doing it is something else.

Steve & Newbie

You and Steve are enjoying a picnic date at the local park. You're sat against a tree while he's laying on the ground, head in your lap. He's the picture of happiness with that dopey grin every time you run your fingers through his hair.

"Our friends have been having an interesting time," you comment.

Steve nods. "Bucky's girl is doing better, by the way."

"That's good," you sigh. "And Bubbles is ready to bite Nick's head off."

Steve chuckles. "I'm actually looking forward to seeing that. I know I'm not allowed to just throw punches, I'm just there in case things get out of hand, but still. It's gonna be quite a show."

"Thanks, again, for helping her out."

"That's what friends are for."

Syverson & Darling

"I've got you, Darlin'," Sy says, trying to console you.

Another negative pregnancy test. Another wave of crippling self-doubt. Certain you're everything your family said you were.

"How can you still want me?" you manage to ask between breaths.

Sy cups your chin and gently pushes your face up to look at him. "Because you're still the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful woman in the world. And I'm the luckiest man on earth because I get to call myself your husband."

His tone, his look, leave no room for argument. You know he means it when he says it. But that black pool of doubt runs deep, tempering your response to his earnestness.

You cuddle up with him, tears still coming, and just whimper, "I hope you're right."

Walter & Spitfire

The couch was delivered about a week after you'd bought it. Walter had helped you clean get rid of the old one and clean up your apartment to make sure the movers had the space they needed. Or as much as they could get from your shoebox sized apartment.

Thankfully the movers were professionals and had everything under control. You can't even imagine all the weird architecture they've likely encountered.

As soon as they're out the door, you look at Walter. "Ready to help me test this thing out?"

"Got a long weekend to do so," he chuckles. "How do you want to start?"

You consider for a minute before telling him, "we're going to order some delivery so we can test out that anti-staining crap they sold me on." Walter nods and you get close, pulling on his sweater so his face is level with yours. "And while we're waiting, we're going to see how much weight and force this thing can actually handle."

"Yes, ma'am," he grins.

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Tagging @alicedopey; @delicatebarness; @ellethespaceunicorn; @icefrozendeadlyqueen; @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory; @kmc1989;

@late-to-the-party-81; @lokislady82; @ozwriterchick; @peyton-warren; @ronearoundblindly; @stellar-solar-flare

[bloopitynoot]

Reading TGCF: Chapter Twelve

For those who don't know, I am reading TGCF for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag Bloopitynoot reads TGCF. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read BUT if you followed along with my SVSSS read, the rules and vibe are the same.

Today I started book 2, (book three should arrive tomorrow. ofc because I am a big nerd about this, I will post a photo when it comes in :'3).

Ah, as a side note, I do feel like I am betraying today; this is NOT tea but it is a really good espresso latte. (I am so sorry tea stash).

Let's get into chapter twelve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"what could this be?" My guy! You are being kept, wifed, courted. That is exactly what that, maybe-pure-diamond-ring is. p11

Oh no. Xie Lian was summoned. Summoned to meet Jun Wu. I am so nervous that this guy is going to be punished again. His track record with Jun Wu is not so good. p12

I really sort of love how catty these officials are. Like same girl (non-gendered), this is literally me gossiping about upper management at work LOL p15

I'm so glad he checked in about the human face disease boy. I still miss that little dumpling. p17

OMFG. Are they about to put this entire General Pei Jr situation on Xie Lian? If so, I am already mad about it. Preemptively pissed if you will. p19

Shout out to (who I'm assuming is) the wind master for speaking on Xie Lian's behalf. p25

oh goodness. Now Xie Lian has to talk to Jun Wu privately. RIP my boy! p29

Oooo! Setting the stage for our next mystery. We have an immortal in mortal (heh) peril. p34

Even better! It's in his boyfriend's domain; Ghost City! p36

"Please don't say it like I'm a little Princess who's never left home" sweet baby girl, but your are a little princess :'3 and that is okay <3 p36

Hell yes! Mission with the wind master! They seem cool, I really hope I don't regret liking them. p39

Fucking YES, and they're both going under cover. PLEASE I hope it's in drag. p42

OMG I already can't handle this opener ^-^

I am literally so excited for Xie Lian to travel with the wind master- hopefully- pls pls pls- in drag. These two gender expressive twinks truly deserve to do what the vibe tells them to.

[theamityelf]

I hope you dont mind but I need more despair disease Makoto........ please........ hes such a b!tch <3 a gremlin if you must.i love him ☹️

(Absolutely! I love him, too! And as always, a preemptive apology for my censored cursing. I know it looks juvenile when I do it as often as I do, lol.)

(Also, see my main masterlist for the rest of the Makoto in SDR2 AU.)

"Kid, if you don't get the fvck down from there, I'm strapping you to the bed next time! I don't give a sh!t what Mikan says!"

"You're the one who said to just take my food and get in bed," Makoto pointed out. He seemed to be doing his best to sound smug and irritating, but the illness and the workout he was currently giving himself made his voice weak and breathy, his skin flushed and sweaty.

"He got you there," Nagito laughed, entering the door frame behind Fuyuhiko.

"Got you there," Makoto echoed, having managed to observe that everyone hated it when he repeated things Nagito said– including and especially Nagito. It was almost disturbing, how well Makoto's contrarian symptoms made use of his preexisting social skills.

He was still holding the tray of lunch he'd been handed, but its contents were in various stages of spilling, as he hopped up and down on his hospital cot. It was a wonder the (loudly protesting) bed frame didn't break.

"In bed, not on bed!" Fuyuhiko snapped, approaching the cot with a stance like he was seconds from wrestling Makoto down. "You're going to spill your- Ah!" He swore, as Makoto flung a spoonful of applesauce at him. (It sailed past, splattering on the wall behind his head.) "I'm gonna fvcking kill you!"

"Careful," Makoto panted, continuing to throw food as Fuyuhiko began to climb up on the bed to subdue him. "You might get the disease from me. And who knows what symptoms you'll get. Maybe Tall Disease, or Acts Like An Adult Disease."

Suddenly, he foisted his tray into a swearing Fuyuhiko's hands and slipped past him to hop off the bed, slipping past Nagito and out of the room entirely.

They went to chase him, but he hadn't gotten far; they found him collapsed on the floor, wheezing and groaning.

"It- hurrrrrts," he said pathetically, then drew in a jagged breath of air. "I can't- breathe."

"Poor thing," Nagito sighed.

"Poor thing my a5s," Fuyuhiko griped.

"I'll get him to bed," Nagito offered. "Since you're, you know, covered in food?"

Fuyuhiko looked down at himself and shortly stormed off.

"Huh. He actually left me alone with you. He must be pretty mad."

"He must be pretty mad," Makoto echoed. "Are you going to convince me to kill someone now?"

"I'm sure you wouldn't listen, if I tried." He helped him get back to his feet and started leading him back to his room.

"I wouldn't- be much- of a killer- anyway, right?" A lot of Makoto's weight fell onto Nagito, as light-headedness took effect. "Much better to just- let me tire myself- out. Hey, if you're lucky- maybe someone will come kill me. Then you can- hope- they'll let you help- cover it up."

"That's not what I hope for," Nagito said, in a noticeably less cheerful voice than when they'd started. He nudged the door to Makoto's room open with his foot and guided him toward the cot.

"Well, it might- be hard- to frame me again." (He let out an involuntary sigh of relief, as he was helped into bed.) "Not saying they won't- believe I'd kill someone- but I-"

Nagito covered Makoto's mouth. "That's enough exhausting yourself. Don't get me wrong, your observations are great! I just don't think trying to annoy me is a great use of your energy."

[snugglesquiggle]

entitiy-4 said:

#ooooh #Haven't seen much Tessa & V content

(with regard to this post

given that what i had in mind was mostly scenes of V dominating Tessa, it's admittedly hard to feel i'm being faithful to her character and not just projecting lesbian horniness onto her

if i were justifying it, i think a workable angle might be that V didn't actually change much between the manor and copper-9. N got her to act sweet and shy, and her position as a new maid in a harsh, uncertain manor made her curl into a timid ball of anxiety. but give her power, confidence and no consequences? the brash impulse of disassembly drone V is closer to what she's really like, deep down.

but could you ever see that in the manor?

J knows her boss best, knows how much any praise excites her (even when the girl needs to debase herself to get it), how she loves doing anything for her drones, how any physical touch -- hugs, demeaning headpats, even stepping on her -- is enough to make her melt

so maybe one day, V walks in on the two of them alone, entangled in cuddles behind a door they thought they'd locked. maybe J invites V to join her in teasing and tormenting Tessa, knowing her boss would like it all the more. sure, J's jealous over what's hers, but unlike N, V is hardly competition for boss's favorite.

now, the little maid would be hesitant at first -- so J's invitation needs to be sharpened into an order, and even then she's clumsy and stuttering, repeatedly looking for reassurance. it's pathetic enough to flip things around, spur J to give V the treatment normally reserved for Tessa. holding her softly, squeezing and rubbing until she relaxes completely, affirmations whispered in her ear. it's okay, no one will be mad at you, no one will judge you.

all of this to get V to stop doubting herself, drop the mask, and take what she wants. maybe she wants Tessa on her knees, staring up at the normally-shorter maid. or maybe she wants Tessa holding still, leaning in and not flinching as V gives a classic bleh and licks her face. whatever V does, J gives an approving nod and Tessa's smiling radiantly and giggling.

and it thrills V to finally let loose. she pushes further, indulges her impulses, letting out all the snark and cruelty we'd recognize of V. Tessa can hardly think or articulate a full sentence, once she has two cute robots bossing her around, treating her like a shared pet.

maybe it'd be V who discovers a minor streak of masochism in Tessa. or maybe what she feels is more specific than that. a smack, a little punch, a wrist grabbed and twisted crush-gripped -- it would hit different when moments before, she sees V blushing silver, smiling down with fondness and care; and when moment after, her expression twists into concern, asking are you okay, did i hit too hard, preemptive apologies

or maybe Tessa just knows - with the same intuition that makes her a genius technician - that these robots are industrial machinery; mechanically, they could kill her, but each hit is calculated for her safety, she's in no more danger now than she is of biting off her own finger.

or maybe she just knows V needs this. none of her drones are free to drop the mask all the time, so these little moments between them are a rare reprieve. all that stress and frustration bottled up, all of the fear and powerlessness of working under the Elliot's merciless eyes... giving V an outlet, letting her be the one controlling and capricious for once... it's fair, isn't it? and wouldn't Tessa look cute in a maid dress?

in the end, J wasn't entirely correct when she assumed V posed no threat to her title of boss's favorite. she sees the looks tessa's started giving V, compares them against her catalogue of tessa making eyes at her favorite assistance. J had to admit it: she'd never provoked this kind of hunger in tessa

but if cutting her maid skirt higher and swapping leggings for tight stockings was what it took for boss to look at her like that... no. J would never violate professional dress code.

V was crass and impulsive; there were things she'd do for tessa gleefully that J was far too dignified to endure. oh well -- J had plenty of time to chide and belittle that pair of unrestrained animals when cleaning up the messes they make.

J had self-respect, and she had Tessa's respect - that was more valuable than hunger. J wasn't easy like her boss, and she didn't blush at V's crass jokes, whomever they were directed at. but J knew V was unpredictable -- and if she ever tries to pin J down, ever tries lick and bite her, ever tries to treat J like Tessa, then J would fight back, she'd resist, she'd order V to stop.

if that happened, then J wouldn't have asked for it, wouldn't ahve wanted it, and thus wouldn't need to mark it against her impeccable behavioral record. still, J thought about the possibility often, in detail, imagined how it would play out, how she might outmaneuver and punish V if it ever happened. because how else would J be prepared for the possibility?

Tessa didn't look at J like that - but V sure did.

[pawberri]

ok, so i just saw an anti-dni post talking about how having a dni list in bio is purposeless and annoying since it is like a 'holding a sign saying "do not kick me." ' now, i find that perspective objectionable (since obtaining a block list might be what is desired anyways and not all dni reasons have to be extremely polarizing, e.g., i dont think a minors dni will suddenly make a billion minors annoyed, making them interact w/ you immediatly) and i have a slight feeling that you disagree with that point of view too because uhhhhh.

so what i wanted to know was whether you share the same reasons to oppose that perspective, and, if not, then, what are they?

I have been getting really annoyed with the backlash to dnis... I think it's goofy when some person has a dni with a million things, but it feels reactionary to me to say "it makes no sense for you to put your boundaries and expect people to follow them." There's especially this vibe with people who post more extreme content getting mad at dnis. I think that's weird. Partially, people seem to take them as like... a sign of moral superiority or hatred... rather than just a little bit of clarity on boundaries. These people talk about "curating your online space" but have to make these posts ranting about people who do it in a way they dislike. I especially think it's dumb to say, "Just block me, why do I have to not interact with you?" because... I mean, you can't block someone you don't know exists. It's meant to be a preemptive expression of boundaries, so the other party has the chance to block you and / or just not interact.

I know that, in practice, some people have really silly, long dnis that are linked on some weird carrd that takes forever to read. I don't think it's fair to strawman the concept of expressing some of your boundaries online in a digestible format as being stupid because of that, though. Especially when a lot of the people with silly dnis are teenagers just trying to figure their life out. They'll grow out of it. It's fine.

I also think it's weird and victim blame-y to say people will naturally be harassed if they give any kind of indication of their boundaries. I sometimes get mean anons, but for the most part, my experience online is way better because I am upfront about things. I don't get too personal or say things I'm uncomfortable sharing, but I make my boundaries clear. Even when I was a teenager and getting harassed by redditors, I never had stuff I asked to be trigger tagged used against me like people fearmonger about. (I'm sure it can happen, but I think that for most people, it just results in their social circle tagging stuff for them.) Even if that did happen, I think it would cruel to say that it was my fault for daring to express a boundary. If you kick the guy who says "do not kick me", you're still being bully and a contrarian asshole. Even if I didn't express a boundary, people like that would likely harass me. If I don't express a boundary for the sake of avoiding harassment, I get in exchange an audience that will constantly be shocked and fight with me about my beliefs when they show. Then, that creates either an unpredictable level of harassment or the feeling of being harassed because I'm constantly in discourse with my followers. At best I feel miserable and hate interacting with my followers.

I think this partially comes from people who are afraid to express their boundaries for fear of backlash (ie they want to make extreme content but fear saying so will make their followers mad), but honestly I think being straight forward makes your audience more curated. The people I see who post extreme content and are clear about it seem to have an easier time than people who build an audience of a bunch of unsuspecting people and then slowly introduce untagged incest kink or something. Not saying it's a guaranteed anti-harassment tool, but I don't understand the impulse to warn for nothing and have no clear boundaries with your audience, then get mad you curated the audience you curated. I hope it doesn't come across as me victim-blaming in the opposite direction, I don't think anyone deserves harassment regardless of if I disagree with what they post online. I kind of just mean to illustrate a counter example to the idea of the dni-haver making themself a target or inherently Being A Harasser.

[quitealotofsodapop]

Hey Mac, we thought you were dead;

Sequel to this post on Macaque being back in the "Century Stone Egg Au".

After the pregnant Monkey King breaks his shock, he'd run to embrace Macaque, even if he'd just been super close to clawing his eye out (again) and that they're last meeting was a huge fight. He only holds back because he's honestly a little scared/worried how and why Macaque is there. Wukong is immediately trying to apolgise for his violent reaction, but Macaque just laughes out; "Nah, it's my fault. Should've asked first." It's only with the shadow monkeys' breathy, almost *fond* laughter that Wukong realises that Mac is truly there for peace. Mac's interaction with PIF further confirms this.

The reincarnation gang + the dragon couple are super sketched out though. Pigsy is the one to loudly ask "How do you know it's him and not some weird copycat?", mostly cus he's legit worried for Wukong in this moment. Somebody's dead partner don't just show up one day!

Wukong responds with his Gold Vision + its hard to fake the way Mac smells. The gang still refuse to leave the two alone together until they recieve a decent explaination.

The fact that Macaque literally looks like he crawled out of the grave quickly gives everybody a bad feeling, and they def force Mac to sit down and explain how tf he came back to life before he's even allowed smell Wukong.

Macaque: "I may have agreed to do something... kinda stupid in hindsight." Wukong, : "Mac... look at me. What did you do?" Macaque: "...ok don't be mad." Wukong: "I'm preemptively seething." Macaque: "I accepted a deal from the White Bone Spirit." Wukong: "I'M FURIOUS!!!" *starts throwing whatever's closest at Mac* Macaque, dodges a pillow: "Pfff! Calm down, it's not like I'm actually gonna do it! She brought me back to life to release her from a tomb or something and I chucked the key away the second I got back." The whole Room: "..." Wukong: "Mihou... thats the stupidiest thing you could have done!" *summons hair clones to throw stuff at Mac* Macaque, now failing to dodge fruit: "OW! Why are you upset!? We both know nothing good will come of letting that demon free!" PIF: "Mihou, if this Bone Demon was able to bring you back from the dead, then she has the power to track you down and recind her offer." Macaque: "...so you're saying that I have to fufill her deal, or I might get dragged back to Diyu?" Wukong and PIF, at the same time: "YES!!!" Macaque: "Shit." The Whole Room: *covering Red and Mei's ears* "LANGUAGE!!" Tang: "You should work on that before the baby gets here.

Oh you better believe Mac's in the doghouse until they can figure out how to resolve the LBD business deal. PIF calls up her lawyer to go over the exact terms and conditions.

Fire Star: "Ok, I've got good news and bad news." Macaque: "Bad news first." Fire Star: "The Lady Bone Demon's geas is airtight. You will have to open her tomb *slash* free her spirit in order to keep your place in this mortal realm - less you be recalled at a later date for a task of similar value or until she makes you redundant." Pigsy: "Translate for the non-lawyers please." Fire Star: "Either he does it, or she makes him do it, or she just takes his soul." Macaque: "Shit." Wukong & PIF: *glaring daggers at Mac* Macaque: "So what's the good news?" Fire Star, slyly: "Those are the only conditions to the geas. There's a reason you need lawyers for these kind of things nowadays. She didn't stipulate say... where to release her. Or whom would be present to greet her when her tomb opens." Everyone: *shares similar delighted/scheming looks* (*a few hours + a few calls to a worried Nezha later*) Macaque: *unlocks LBD's tomb* LBD: "Freedom! Freedom! Fr-" All of Wukong's allies in the Heavenly Army + Diyu officials:

LBD: "Oh bother."

As the Bone Demon gets carted away for conspiracy to destroy the world, she gets yelled at by all of the Underworld/Diyu officials that now have to deal with the fallout of her actions.

King Yama: "Do you understand how much paperwork I have to do to mark this monkey as alive!? He doesn't have a death date! It's been blotted out! I'll be correcting his files for months!!" Macaque: *high fives Fire Star for the solid lawyer-ing*

As far as Hell/Diyu is concerned, Macaque performed a service and was paid upfront. They don't want the headache of trying to take him back if his mate (someone who's trashed Hell before) wants to keep him.

Wukong is still super-mad at Mac for a variety of reasons, don't get hom wrong. But he's atleast glad in the moment to have his mate back. And glad that LBD is gone for the forseeable future.

[blueberrytommy]

Buddies have become so interconnected with BuckTommys, it’s a little crazy. More than half of BuckTommy blogs I’ve scrolled through are dedicated to what Buddies are saying and doing. Some of the more popular BuckTommy users? Same thing. The occasional BuckTommy content here and there, with mostly Buddie discourse to round everything out. And it feels like they get a thrill from focusing on Buddie behavior, which is the really weird part. I sometimes get the impression that these users would be really sad if Buddies weren’t up to their old tricks. And like you pointed out, some BuckTommys are actually beginning to emulate Buddie behavior, which is… bizarre. It’s felt really weird and unpleasant. I’ll be so mad if this fandom gets so bad that it makes people in the cast and crew resent BuckTommy the same way they do Buddie.

Oh that's a big thing too, the focusing on the buddie behaviour and buddie posts is getting out of hand. I feel like if you want to talk about insane buddie behaviour, keep it to a private gc with your friends or smth. We really dont need to make it the focus of our blogs. There's definitely certain big blogs that are more focused on buddie discourse and i really think we need to stop paying them any attention when they do that. Like maybe there is a time and place for discourse (and i def know I've posted a bit more anti buddie stuff recently so I'm not perfect by any means) but we really need to make sure it's not ALL we do. We pride ourselves on being the fandom that responded to our ship breaking up with charity fundraisers and mpreg and other fun things, so I think that's the energy we need to keep, and to just flat out ignore the buddies from now on.

And the same goes for bucktommys trying to emulate that behaviour. We need to collectively shut that behaviour down before it escalates and turns into the same entitlement that breeds harassment that buddies have. Because as soon as we start feeling like we're entitled to bucktommy, or that if we just bother the cast and crew enough that we'll get it, that's when we become no better than buddies. Oliver Stark himself he doesn't want the stories to give into fans, and I think thinking we're exempt from that is not the right mindset. Because we're not. If bucktommy happens again, yay! Im so happy! If not, then, well, that's unfortunate, ya know. Maybe the occasional bit of feedback will help but I really dont think we should over do it either, lest they see us as future buddies that they're going to have to preemptively shoot down.

[luckyshotwrites]

Treat,

Alexander and Lynette on a date

"Let's Walk The Bottom"

Very light spoiler warning: This is after some of the events that have yet to happen in Widfali.

I will be reblogging (and fixing) this later as a chapter once we get there so if you'd rather wait to read that's fine too.

____________________________________________

Lynette

Wicks and Claudia worked today, so she asked Drake if he wanted to go to the aquarium with her instead. 

Surprisingly, he agreed on the condition Alexander came along to since the two planned to hang out later. 

Lynette, regardless of their current standing, accepted Drake's terms. I don't hate him.

She finished up her oatmeal fruit bowl. 

"This might be good. I haven't hung out with Xander outside of work."

Briefly, her mind reminded her of the kidnapping with her and Drake. She sighed and looked down at the phone beside her empty bowl on the table.

We don't have any psychos after us this time unless Xander has one he hasn't mentioned. She assured herself and verbally "shushed" her self-doubt.

She got off her stool to wash her dishes. Everything's been fine. The pizzeria's been quieter, I've been winning more often, and Wicks started training me.

Her muscles ached preemptively—and he's a much harder teacher than Garter.

She finished cleaning off her dishes and put them away. Would Wicks be mad if he knew Charletta wasn't going? He required a family member to be with her, but Charletta told her she was having severe mood swings during her pregnancy, so she said to go without her.  

Lynette walked toward her room, bunny slippers tapping against the hardwood.

Lynette slid to her walk-in closet to the left of her bed. She rummaged through her clothes, trying to pick her mood for the day. She'd go with comfort and the designs she found the most appealing at the moment.

Her eyes soon rested on two outfits in particular. I never wore those. One was a selected outfit from Zilla, ripped jeans and all. And then the other, recommended by Lev to fit "her best". 

She pursed her lips. She hadn't forgotten the skimpy bikini he gave her as a joke the same day. With a light shake of her head, she did a coin flip on her phone and grabbed the outfit Lev picked.

She got her favorite cotton candy pink backpack to go with it and checked her box of pins to place some on. She put a few cute aquatic animals on it and snuck on the green ranger pin because he reminded her of an axolotl.

"There." She said to herself as she went to sit back on her bed and check over the times for the new bullet train station.

...

Alexander

As expected, he got there first.

He waited, propped up against his car, for Drake or Lynette to show up. 

He glanced at the Ocean Treasures aquarium, which was recently remodeled to display animated fish swimming happily in visible tubes.

Why did I agree to this?

Public places were a special kind of bane for Alexander.

His lack of social skills was one reason, and the other glaringly obvious problem was that it was filled with those his body told him to eat.

He tolerated the pizzeria. People would come to the counter, order or get food, then leave. He wasn't always around them, and there was a barrier between him and them.

Drake knew this and still invited my ass. And to top it off, shrimp's gonna be here too.

He audibly groaned like his best friend could hear him. He shut his eyes and kept his arms crossed.

I don't hate her.

He expelled all the air in his lungs. She's just frustrating.

To him, her unbearably delicious presence and her actions were the problem.

He thought complaining in his head would soothe him. She's nosy and pushy too. It's like she doesn't get it. She knows what I am and what I'm about.

His lips tightened into a firm pout. And she- 

The lightheadedness hit him first. He hadn't taken a breath since his last exhale. He did, and his eyes sprung open, immediately darting to Lynette.

Recognizing her scent, his body turned to face her.

Stop. Alexander pulled his gaze away and looked toward the top of his car instead.

However, his irritation rose when he spotted the indent he had never fixed. A terrible reminder of how stupid he always felt.

"Hi." He said, steering himself to focus on something else. She's wearing a coherent outfit today. 

"Hey," She paused. Was she talking to me before? "Drake's not here yet, huh?" 

"No." He answered flatly. He dug into his shorts pocket and took out his phone to avoid falling into other thoughts. "I'll call him."

"Sounds good." She stood near his car trunk while he was at the driver's side.

Drake picked up after a few rings. 

He playfully scolded him, "Where the hell are you?"

"It's okay if he's late! Don't be mean." Alexander heard Lynette protest—he ignored her.

Drake groaned on the other end, "My aunt and uncle made a surprise visit, and as you can guess, my dad is freaking out." Alexander found the irritation relatable. "He doesn't want to be left alone with them."

"Annie and Seb?" 

"Yeaaaaah."

The only thing Alexander knew about Drake's family on Edgar's side was that they used to be mercenaries. They had to visit today. "Do you need me-"

"No, they've mellowed out. My dad's panicking over nothing. They love him."

The blonde's foot tapped anxiously. "So you're not coming?"

"If they leave sometime soon, yeah, but other than that, no. Tell Lynette I'm sorry," Drake said. Alexander heard a faint voice in the background yelling for Drake. "Gotta go!" 

He hung up the phone after.

Alexander lowered it and stared at the black screen.

"Is Drake okay?" Her sincerity swiftly asked.

"His family is visiting," Alexander replied. It wasn't his place to talk about Drake's business. "He said sorry that he won't make it." 

He pushed off his car and put his phone away. She's going home, right? I should walk her to her car or something.

When Alexander looked up, she wasn't near his trunk anymore. His senses quickly jumped, frantically clinging to her scent, and his grayish-blue eyes followed.

She had moved toward the building, turning back when she noticed he didn't.

"Oh, sorry, do you need a minute before we go in?" 

We?

There wasn't anyone else around them. Lynette was talking to him.

I should tell her I'm leaving. Alexander opened his mouth to say it and then stopped.

She always gets herself into danger when she's alone, doesn't she? He played with his tongue, pressing it against his inner cheek. He ate earlier because he knew he'd be around her, but his stomach's insatiable hunger whined like his "starving" cat at home, Sasha.

His eyebrows pressed together in annoyed contemplation. 

Something might hurt her.

No, it's okay—she's been training with that weapon, right? He read the magic on it the first time she brought it into work. It's nothing to laugh at. It's powerful. She could handle it. 

No matter the reasons he conjured, his feet didn't listen. He couldn't leave.

His body held an internal tug-of-war match between his familiar sense of starvation and something he didn't want to admit. He'd betray his promise to preserve his fleeting sanity if he ever did.  

His frown soured.

"Xander?" Lynette questioned. 

She moved closer, and his heart rate spiked, recalling the day he ran from her. 

"Ah! You don't want to be here because Drake's not here. That's cool." The redhead apologized. "Have a good..."

He chose to push past her, walking toward the aquarium. He made sure she couldn't see his apprehensiveness. 

"Let's go." He stepped wide to keep a distance from her. 

She jogged to close it, "Xander, you can say you don't want to. There's no harm in it."

He replied sharply, "Shut it, I drove here to hang out."

I can't have her reading more into this shit. He didn't want to have her feel they were too friendly. I can't have Drake's sister-in-law getting hurt. That's it.

He wouldn't dare say that allowed. Being as she was, Lynette would try to pry into it.

Upon reaching the entrance, he allowed her to go in first. She thanked him, and with his first steps, the shimmering blue overhead lights brought back a memory. It had been over a decade since he had been to an aquarium.

It's mundane and childish. Alexander had seen so many things in his life, both terrifying and mystical, yet his chest compressed in sorrow. This was my last school trip as a kid, wasn't it?

When he could talk to people without obsessively salivating, chase and play without wanting to consume them, and when he...had friends.

The woman at the counter spoke up, "Sir?" 

He pulled his attention away from the jellyfish decorations hanging above them. "Oh, uh, yeah." He cleared his throat, brought up the digital ticket on his phone, and she scanned it to let him in. 

Lynette waited past the gate, "you're not afraid of fish or anything, are you?" She remarked, gesturing to his expression.

"I don't go out to these places often, that's all." He left it at that.

"Why not?"

His eyes slacked, and he spoke quietly, not to draw attention, "Besides the exhibits, what other animals are in here?"

"Uh...people?"

"Yeah."

It took her a few seconds, "well, let's get your mind on the fish instead."

She gestured for him to follow, ignoring the giant case of fish in the center for now. They were headed toward the ocean first. 

…

Alexander wasn't as enamored by the numerous displays as Lynette. She ooo'd and awed at them in a way that made him take time to see the ones she pointed at.

He liked those that were vibrant and prettier on the eyes, much like she did. He figured she noticed it, too, because she gestured to them more. She even started to read the fact plates when he did study them.

He did the same for her, and they made a game out of it; she'd point, and he'd try to find it on the plaques.

The game was fun, and he made it harder by asking her to describe the fish's features so that he could decipher it without looking.

The hunger he experienced while playing, though never satisfied, was more manageable.  

Eventually, they got through a majority of them and moved to the "hands-on exhibits."

An employee nearby introduced them to the cownose stingray, primed to touch.

Alexander skeptically watched Lynette lower her hand into the water to brush one of the "naturally gentle" rays.

She immediately squeaked.

His body flinched protectively as she yanked her hand out of the water. "I forgot how that feels. Sorry, I'm good," she laughed. "I should bring Claudia here next time. She'd love this." 

Alexander nodded. That little demon would probably try to take one home.

He could feel the weight of an imaginary headache settling in, a familiar discomfort often accompanying Claudia's presence.

Suddenly, goosebumps sprang across his arm like hives. Lynette's hand softly patted against his skin—her gentle brush of fingers against him felt like a soothing balm, a stark contrast to the isolation he had grown accustomed to.

It left him stunned. His eyes slowly drifted over Lynette when she took it back.

"Don't you see those cute little faces? You should pet one."

Cute faces? He assumed she mistook the markings on their backs. He calmly corrected her, "Their faces are underneath."

"For real?" She turned to look at the underside of the tank as he scanned the stingrays swimming gracefully through the water. Their flat bodies slide effortlessly, avoiding the natural plants growing insie the sandy strait.

Over the glass, his hand hovered above the water, waiting for one to get close. They all deliberately swam in the opposite direction. Animals generally avoided monsters.

It's useless.

One finally approached before he could remove his hand. He lightly traced his fingers over their smooth back, feeling an unease from the muscle spasms to his touch.

Lynette popped back up happily, "their faces are smaller than I thought."

Shaking off the excess water, he glanced at her and felt a pang of pain come over him.

I didn't say anything funny, why are you smiling at me?

This wasn't like at work. They weren't bickering, disgruntled at each other, calling the other names, none of that.

He refused to give her eye contact.

He stared down at the tank, mouth dry, and repeatedly tried to pet any stingray that passed, even though they wouldn't let him.

Alexander hoped she'd forget he looked at her. 

"Do you like them?"

He'd rather her think he was obsessed with the rays then realize the way this all made him feel. 

Not that he understood it.

His lips trembled, his honesty hid at the back of his throat, and anything else his brain fired to respond was blank.

All he could do was nod his head. What does she want from me?

He felt her reading him, and her smile dropped out of the corner of his eye. She took out the pamphlet from the entrance and looked over it.

Her chipper attitude returned, "Do you want to see the seals perform next?"

He nodded again They touched a few more, or she did. The small sharks and starfish wouldn't get close.

They exited and he went with her lead.

Instinctually, he hated walking behind her. When he hunted, he followed people, catching them by surprise and swallowing them whole as efficiently as possible.

The lead in his chest only partially dulled that reflex. He physically restrained the rest of himself like the first time they met.

This is different. She isn't a stranger...

He shut himself down. Shut up, things are the same. I'm the same, and that will never change.

"Xander," she called. 

He looked at where he stopped in the middle of the tunnel. The shimmering shadows at his feet made him look at the fish swimming overhead. What do I say?

...

Lynette

She sloppily read the pamphlet ahead of him. She adjusted her steps often to avoid smacking the side of the hall or others walking past.

Will he like the sharks after the seals? Those are Padre's favorite.

She turned back to ask and saw he only made it halfway.

Shoot.

"Xander?"

Her approach and her voice snapped him out of it.

"I, was, distracted, looking, around," the lying breath he slipped out between each word did not convince her.

Drake told her Alexander got worse the closer it was to the day he lost his mom. I know I'm not the best company for you, but I'll try to be like Madre and them were for me.

Lynette moved to stand beside him and lifted her leg, "let's walk together." She kept it in the air, not stomping it down without him.

"In unison?"

"If we can, yeah." She wiggled her suspended foot in hopes he'd do it.

His empty stare almost broke the awkward hope she clung to. She was about to change her mind and propose another game, but he copied her.

THANK GOD.

They both lowered their feet at a matching pace and marched. It was stupid and she lost her balance a few times, getting Alexander's help those times she did.

"If I fall, don't try to catch me." He said to her.

She wanted to argue with him, though he weighed more than twice her weight.

They continued to the end of the tunnel.

...

Alexander

There wasn't an outside show of the seals, only an indoor performance inside their giant space.

Unfortunately for them, this area was very crowded. No one wanted to miss the show. Alexander could see fine—he rarely met humans his height or more.

"Can you describe it for me?" Lynette asked next to him.

The kids and other early birds were up front at the glass, and others, still taller than Lynette, blocked her. If you're not blind, you should watch it.

He dropped into a crouch, "No."

"You don't have to choose not to enjoy it because of me!" She ushered him to stand back up.

He rolled his eyes. He presumed his intentions were obvious. I guess not. He patted his shoulders, "Come on."

It had been a month or two since he had done this for her. I'm going to regret it. He held his breath.

Last time, she hesitated, and he had to force her cooperation. She didn't this time. Lynette neared him and carefully pulled herself onto his shoulders, making sure not to get his short hair.

He secured her legs with his hands and stood up slowly so he didn't jostle her. The high ceilings meant she wouldn't hit them, and the hands she pressed down to meet his temporarily stalled his hunger.

She stayed relatively balanced and barely moved.

Is she actually calm?

His lip lifted to scold her for her lack of fear, but he shamefully didn't want to make her leave.

He let it go and watched the show as simple as it was. He'd feel Lynette tap his hand to get his attention as if they weren't looking at the same seal and scuba diver performance.

When it concluded, he helped her down, ignoring the few eyes on them, and stood up. He craned his neck to look at her. The top of her redhead reached the middle of his chest.

She peered up, "ready to see the sharks?"

"Yeah."

The walkway leading up to the sharks was narrow and darker, like a ship's hull.

Coming out of the walkway, there were a few rocking boat rides where kids could go on and pretend they were a crew during a storm. A fake set of clouds and roaring thunder rattled above them.

A giant shark and tentacles would also sprout up from the "water" below.

"I'd say we should get on, but you get seasick, don't you?"

Alexander squinted slightly. When did I tell her that? "I did?"

Lynette lowered her voice, "Remember when I was small, and you gave me that bit of a motion sickness pill."

Oh yeah, I didn't want her to throw up in that phone holder. He bobbed and jokingly muttered back, "You're always small."

She shot him a look. "Not four inches tall!"

"You're tiny when I size-shift."

"That doesn't count, and besides, that's..." She stuck out her tongue and made a "bleh" noise.

His smile raised, annoyed, "Technically speaking, when I change my body like that, it's permanent until I change it again. So it does count, and two, what do you expect me to eat you like this?"

"Maybe you shouldn't-"

He slowed his pace, "Don't act like you're innocent."

"What have I done! I'm not devious."

Alexander laughed, "Ha, how many times have you tricked my sorry ass with your games?"

"Me, trick you?!"

"Yeah, the tiny thing you gave me less time, the arm wrestling you faked being hurt-"

"It's not my fault you didn't do the math! Second, you got me back for that using the siren voice for arm wrestling!"

"You also lied to me the second and fourth day you worked," he grumbled.

"Well, you made me feed myself to you the first day I made those bets!"

He huffed sardonically, "You didn't even really do it, you barely got your arm-"

"You try doing that to someone willingly!"

"Hell no." He argued, lowering his voice when a few people passed them, "You also got me back bringing in those unfair games and letting the time run out on them like in oligarchy!" 

"I brought unfair games! You all are BUILT on unfairness! I do what I can to win."

"So cheating."

"Strategic winning." She corrected him, her back against one of the shark's displays. "You've cheated plenty of times too."

I don't cheat. "Name one time."

She puffed up her cheeks, "The times you just null and voided my wins!"

"That's-" He groaned. "The deal wasn't on-" Fuck me, I was more than willing to do that bet. I can't say it was her fault.

"You know what," Lynette put up an open hand to him. "let's both agree from here on out, no more cheating or underhanded tricks."

That's mostly your department. I've only given you unfair games.

He shook his head and shrugged, "Given that everyone is against my ass, why does it matter?"

She firmly moved her hand in the air, "Xander,"

He stared down at her and growled, "Shrimp."

"Alexander."

He stiffened up. She's serious. "Fine." He didn't shake her hand.

"Fine?"

Fuck. Alexander threw his hand up and clasped hers, nearly encompassing it. He shook it. "Fine, Lynette." 

"You…you said my name." She whimpered.

He let her hand go and turned on his heels, "zip it."

Lynette didn't. Alexander felt like she purposefully acted giddy out of spite. Praising him for "remembering it" and everything.

It'd spark up a few more altercations, which eased his nerves. He preferred knowing, unlike him, she didn't let those things go. He complained about them but cared little about it all.

He took a handful of pictures of the sharks for her.

She positioned herself in front of them, making several different ridiculous faces and poses. A few made Alexander smile and surprisingly chuckle. He declined to join her in them.

After that, they explored every inch left and went toward the exit after several hours. They'd have no choice but to enter the giant gift shop containing everything from the smaller ones scattered about.

"We should get Drake something since he couldn't come along."

They were on the same page, "he'd probably like the most emo-looking fish we can find."

Lynette giggled, nudging him, "Don't say that when he isn't here to defend himself."

Together, they searched for him and Wenna in case she felt left out. The two agreed upon a black axolotl with a grumpy face for Drake, a Jellyfish lamp for Wenna, and Alexander helped Lynette get a mug down for her brother's coffee addiction. She also got him the aquarium's special seal lion "fangs" coffee grounds.

And then they searched opposite ends for other smaller gifts.

At the register, Lynette and him fought over who would pay for the gifts. Alexander got Wenna's from her, but she still held Drake's, her brothers, and, as far as he could see, a few t-shirts with terrible puns such as "you've got a porpoise in life" and "let's not get tide down in details."

She paid first, and he checked over his items, paying for Wenna's gift, the otter costume, and the crab cat toy for Sasha.

Walking out, Lynette stopped them at the curb. "Hey, Xander, can you please shut your eyes and bend toward me?"

He reran what she said in his head a few times. He succumbs to his confusion, "Huh?" She wants my face near hers?

"Please." She requested with her hands pressed together. 

That's a terrible idea. He hesitantly listened.

He shut his eyes, her scent being the only thing he caught. It grew harder to ignore the closer he leaned in. He halted when he was assumably at her height.

His stomach roared and acted like a pair of bare hands squeezed out his organ like a wet rag.

He heard her bag rustle and tightened his abdomen muscles, fighting himself off.

Her breath brushed his face, and he peeked through his eyelids. She was so close he pulled back and straightened up. Whatever she had over his head, he helped push it on. The sides of the hat hung over his face.

She had jumped. "Hey! I said, eyes closed."

"You were closer than I thought you'd be…" he trailed off, seeing her pink squid hat with giant googly eyes. He tugged at the tentacle placement on his head that matched hers.

He went to take it off and check.

"No, wait, let's take a picture first."

He pointed at the top of his head. "With this on?"

She got out her ifrog and put it on selfie mode. "Move in closer and duck down, please."

He took a breath and dropped, staring at himself. The hat was the least of his concerns. It had been years since he took any pictures willingly.

I'm disgusting.

Lynette looped her arm with his, startling him. He wanted to unloop.

"Don't look at your hat like that; these are serious business." She directed him to the camera once more. Her head moved around as she spoke, making the googly eyes bounce.

These aren't serious.

It brought a minimal curl to his lips, enough for her to capture.

She laughed in triumphant, "Got ya." Lynette looked it over, and he kept himself from reaching for her phone. "I'll send it over," she tapped on her hat, "you can take yours off if you want now."

He had been free from her hold, able to stand up, and he lifted his hands to take the hat off. She's keeping hers on?

There were a few kids leaving the aquarium wearing them, too, calling them out.

Since she wasn't taking hers off, his remained on. "I'll take it off when I get you to your car. That way, you look less ridiculous."

They safely crossed the street together, avoiding the few leaving. "I didn't drive. I took the new bullet train. It's so cool. It covers most of the city."

That's why I didn't see her car earlier. Alexander walked toward his car. "Then I'll drop the presents here and go with you."

"You don't have to do that."

He didn't respond. He did as he said, securing the gifts in his passenger seat and going with her to the station across the parking lot.

The walkways were still under construction, but they reached the platform with the temporary wooden steps. The layout reminded him of the bullet train he rode when Drake's family took him to Japan.

Drake wanted to go again this summer, too.

Alexander checked the train car as they got on. It was quiet and empty. No one wanted to go to a closed aquarium and other attractions.

She patted the seat next to her when he went to sit a seat away.

He huffed and sat at the one she recommended. Their attention were both locked on the almost set sun outside.

The train jolted, and the friendly intercom woman informed them of the next stop before taking off. Everything outside blurred together, making the few lights that were on bleed.

There wasn't a time his body left him alone. There were just very, very rare moments when it was quieter, and this was one of them.

Lynette's hand rested on his shoulder innocently. He figured she mistook it for the back of the seat.

That bit of contact, subtle and without anything behind it, granted him a second of peace. Like he was normal again.

It ended as soon as it started.

They reached their stop and got off the train.

Her aroma persistently flooded his senses. His body idiotically acted deprived when his senses resumed to take in her persistent aroma. He did his best to snuff it out. It was almost over. She told him her car was close, so he didn't have to walk her to it.

Yet, his mind was too cluttered to concentrate.

That's why he accidentally said more than a goodbye. "Why did you stay there with me?"

What did he expect her to say? Whatever she could wasn't something he wanted to hear. Fear? To use and manipulate him? Tease him?

"What?"

Alexander grit his teeth, nervously. "I scare you, don't I?" 

Her lack of response twisted his insides more than they already were. He couldn't understand why she had to think about it.

Her eyes looked from the stone floor, the stairs leading to the parking lot, then back to him. They shined like emeralds under the fluorescent yellow lights above.

"I trust you."

His eyes narrowed at that word, trust. That's wrong. 

"I know you wouldn't hurt me. If you wanted to, you could have many times over." There wasn't anything else entering his ears. Only her voice.

You're insane. "You shouldn't trust me."

Lynette held her backpack straps and smiled, "Probably not, but I'm still going to." 

She doesn't know what I've done. What I can do. What I will do.

He had these ideas in his head, but he'd never consciously do a single one of them to her.

The contents of their bets mattered less and less to her. He lost the distance he fought to keep. She was relentless, and he was afraid of that.

"Do you want me to drive you back to your car?" She quietly asked.

"No." He said. He faced the train and waved her off. "You're the one that needs protection. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"Okay...have a good night then, and thank you for hanging out with me."

"Yeah, yeah, hope you enjoyed your break, shrimp."

Lynette grumbled under her breath, stomping down the steps.

The asshole-ish smirk fell, and he stayed motionless on the platform. Unmoving, or so he thought. The next time he blinked, he was on the train, the blue squid hat in his lap. He played with its fabric.

He trailed the seams and cursed under his breath, too tired to be angry.

I can't enjoy this.

He shook his head repeatedly, and his hands trembled as he gripped the hat. I don't deserve it. I can't keep doing this. I've taken enough joy from everyone I care about.

Alexander hunched over, protecting himself, and clenched his jaw.

Isn't that right...mom.

…

Thank you again for this ask and as always, have a wonderful day! (Non-negotiable). Also sorry this wasn't a traditional date!! XD

[nethhiri]

Marooned: Chapter 2

Pairing: Kid x FemReader x Killer

Warnings: nudity, vague medicine

Red Menace

It took the better part of an hour to drag your new friend to the spring and another good chunk of time to tug him out of his clothes. Wet clothes were a pain in the ass to deal with in the first place, but this guy seemed to be wearing everything in a size too small, which made it worse. The clothes were now laid out in the sun, post-rinse in the spring. After exerting yourself, you felt your stomach cramp. Well... I can't do anything on an empty stomach. Fishing around in your pile of goodies, you felt the strap of the goggles you had found. Shrugging, you threw them over your head. They thumped against your chest, too big to stay on top of your head. Fishing around some more, you found one of the jars. Cracking it open, you gave Blondie a brief once-over to triage the situation. You gave the jar's contents a cautionary sniff. Oh! Spiced peaches. What a treat! Slurping back a few slices straight from the jar, you put your hand on your hip and contemplated the next step. You wiped your mouth on your shoulder before kneeling down.

Luckily, most of Blondie's injuries seemed shallow, but there was a gash in his thigh and he definitely had a head laceration. Idly, you hoped that he didn't have a skull fracture under that lac. The guy had barely twitched or made any indication he was alive. A quick look at his pupils and a cursory cranial groping gave you some relief that it was just a flesh wound. Pressing your knuckles against his sternum and rubbing earned you a grimace and a groan from him. "Hey... there you are, pal. That's great." You patted his chest. There was a sound of tearing fabric as you sacrificed a piece of your shirt to make a rag. Being in saltwater for however long definitely helped keep the wounds clean but the sand from the beach and the dirt that you may or may not have dragged him through were not exactly infection prevention. It didn't take long to clean away the dried blood and grime. Actually, it seemed like he was in better shape than you initially thought, just the two main injuries and a series of random scrapes and bruises. He probably did lose a good bit of blood though, hence his current state. 

You hummed to yourself, pleased with the progress. It was strange. This feeling of giddiness. Certainly, it was because of this shake-up in your miserable island life, but it was an unfamiliar feeling nonetheless. Honestly, you didn't remember the last time you felt even a sliver of hope. How sad. It was a bit preemptive to get excited about anything. What if no one was coming for him? What if they were but they didn't want to help you? What if he died? What if he lived and murdered her? He can fucking try. That made you laugh a little. But you supposed that was really what hope was about in the first place, the potential that something good could happen. At the very least, you could be stuck here together. Maybe he was friendly. He's sure not bad to look at.

With your good eye, you appraised your work. Unfortunately, you didn't have any supplies to properly stitch Blondie up and the rag tied around his wound would have to work until you could make a trip to snag your kit. "Fantastic news, Mini. My memory has been refreshed in the dicknballs department," you mumbled, draping a leaf over him to protect his dignity. "Can you watch him for a minute while I get my things?" You looked expectantly towards a mound of brush. "Come on. Stop ignoring me. I know you're there." Sighing, "Look, I will share my peaches with you. I'm sorry I ate your melon." You stood up to leave. Mini was fairly reliable, except when you made her mad. She would probably still do what you asked this time since she was most likely just as curious about the island's newest inhabitant. His clothes will probably be dry once I get him patched up too. 

It took a little too long for you to notice that the birds had gotten quiet. You were already at a disadvantage, having only one eye, and you could never use observation haki, not to mention you had been fairly pre-occupied. There was a pressure against your throat that dragged you backwards. Your hands reflexively tried to pry the...the goggles? away from your neck. What the fuck? 

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? KILLER."

The words deafened you. At the same time, the wind was knocked out of you and your feet were no longer touching the ground. Wood scratched the back of your legs. The tightness around your neck increased. Your vision probably would have been doubled for a second if it was physically possible. A few seconds went by before you realized your situation. An ogre held you by the neck against a tree. 

"ARE YOU DEAF? I ASKED A QUESTION."

"If I was deaf, how would I hear you a second time?" You rasped. You may not be used to being happy or giddy, but fighting and being a total asshole was second nature. "I'm- not- a killer." It was the truth in this instance only. It was a mistake to only have one hand on you. He probably didn't expect it. The balls were everyone's disarming go-to. You kicked him as hard as you could straight in the throat. He held you high enough that it was an easy target. Instantly, you hit the floor and assumed a fighting position, removing the goggles around your neck so he couldn't get you however he got you in the first place. 

He was on his hands and knees coughing. Not an ogre, but a sopping wet beast. He must have washed up in a separate place and moved before I got around to it. For the first time, you took in the man before you. You'd seen hundreds of wanted posters. "Oh, what the fuck? You're Eustass 'Captain' Kid." Which means... "Killer"... Blondie is Massacre Soldier Killer. 

Next

[softausterity]

i'm drawing right now but i need to sumigoro parallels post because ghrngfhgrbh!!!!

long ass post and full p5r spoilers. you know how it is

THING ONE: LOCALIZATION BAD

i have mixed thoughts about the choice to add more cognitive characters in p5r but it is good because it very clearly displays some things about like, how people are perceived. right? like cognitive haru sucks for other reasons but it's a good display that her father does not understand her. she's a robot mindlessly following his orders, very literally. same thing with kamoshida and madarame and everyone else. and it's very easy to look at cognitive haru next to cognitive akechi and go "these two act exactly the same" but with one major difference:

that's goro akechi! correct dominant hand and everything! yusuke, who you can also draw easy comparisons to, is Literally A Fucking Painting to madarame. and that right there is Just Akechi.

i'm going to go into the localization because they beefed it up real bad here which is a personal insult to me. everything taken straight from this pastebin i have had bookmarked for like 2 years so i have no idea where i got it from originally.

the 'puppet' bit starts with the line "I was wondering how he'd protect himself if I used my power to tear though his Palace. Turns out you're how. So he's making a puppet kill me… Sounds like something he'd do." in japanese, the second bit of this line is "お前がその係…同じ顔した人形に殺させるって訳だ。…あの男らしい" which our pastebin translates as "You're in charge of that… in other words, I'd be killed by a puppet with the same face as me. …That's just like him."

the notable thing here is that akechi identifies the cognitive double as "A puppet with the same face as (him)" at the start of the interaction. what he's getting at here, with the "that's just like (shido)" is that he's saying "Shido still thinks i'm just some puppet he can order around to do whatever he wants!"

and cognitive akechi responds to that: "Aren't you, though?"

the localisation has completely lost this thread by this point and will continue to completely ignore it despite the fact this is the resolution to akechi's entire character in vanilla P5 no i'm not mad about it - "That's right. I'll do anything. But look at yourself… you're the true puppet." which is just "uhhh no you lol" - the pastebin translation is "That's right, I'm a puppet. I'll do anything. But if I'm a puppet… then the true puppet is you, isn't it?" ("そうとも、オレは人形さ。何だってする。 けどオレが人形なら…ほんとの人形は、お前だろ。")

like. cognitive akechi IS akechi. shido thinks that he can tell akechi to do whatever and he'll do it, and he's right. the entire time, akechi's big plan has been "i'll trick him into thinking i'm co-operating with his plan by co-operating with his plan, and then once he's the prime minister of japan, i'll tell him i was his son the whole time, and he'll be sooooo owned! that'll totally get his ass and I'll Win!" (preemptively addressing a common misconception: he was not going to kill shido. he never says he is going to kill shido. the exact phrase he uses is "living hell.") akechi is the puppet.

and then after the PTs have the heart to heart with akechi and he makes the decision to disobey shido & sacrifice himself for them, his final line in english is: "So, my final opponent is a puppet version of myself…"

which is Nothing. in japanese, it's:

"My final opponent is the puppet I used to be, huh…" ("最後の相手が『人形だった俺自身』か…")

which is EVERYTHING. he changed! he throws away both his life and everything he was working towards to have one real moment of free will!!! that's His Real Actual Death without maruki, and with him it shows why akechi is so fucking horrified at everything that's happening.

anyway, this post was also about sumire.

there she is :)

maruki thinks about sumire as some waifish wilting flower who needs kasumi to do everything and is so consumed by grief that she can't do anything on her own, and it looks like he's right!

pulling out the dogmeta again:

sumire is that weak and helpless when we first meet her, because maruki isn't giving her the tools to help herself and grow. you know, like a therapist? he's making her Feel Better in a way that does not address the problem and will instantly explode and ruin her life again if he's ever removed from the situation. sumire cannot get better because the person who's supposed to be helping her get better doesn't believe she can get better.

akechi and sumire are both completely reliant on Shitty Father Figure who have correctly identified them as useless on their own, akechi changes when he realises he's being controlled, sumire changes when she realises she doesn't need to be controlled.

THING TWO: LOCALIZATION STILL BAD

so you know the part in the sumi boss fight where maruki tentacle-crucifies sumire and makes her persona freak out and then he's like "waaah how horrible you have to save her amamiya-kun!!!" because he's the good guy?

the first thing akechi says is "Tch, it's gone totally berserk..." and in japanese the word he uses here is "暴走" now, berserk is a completely accurate translation of this! but the word comes up a couple other times earlier in the game, you may have spotted it, and it's translated there as.. "(making someone go) psychotic" and by a couple other times i mean every single reference to akechi's powers except weirdly one time with this random old couple in the very beginning of the game.

so akechi and sumire both have a second phase in your boss fight with them where they 'go berserk/psychotic'! just that maruki's making sumire do it a little more noticeably than shido is with akechi.

i'm normal.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

ThamePo Episode 3 thoughts (I feel like my heart is giggling and kicking it's feet through every episode, help)

The way they're both alternately shocked and pleased when the other is kind to them is a personal attack

Careful with those heart eyes, Thame, they're lethal

Me: NO DON'T GIVE HIM AN EXCUSE TO NOT BE HONEST WITH THE SANDWICH MAN

Also me: YES! GIVE HIM A NEW REASON TO BE HAPPY ABOUT SANDWICHES!

I need to listen to more LYKN

Jun, you and I are gonna have problems I fear

Why do hot business ladies in Thai shows go to work in such sexy outfits? I'm not mad about it, just considering what we could have if we had more Thai shows exclusively about hot businesses ladies

Pemika, I'm gonna throw you out a window. Also, time being a bad hot business lady; why tf would you not want him to continue to practice for the upcoming concert you're putting on, or participating in his other activities???

Mick is clinically bad at his job

Yes yes, we get it, you both have huge guilt complexes, please just kiss about t and go to therapy

Jun, when I get you Jun!

Wait, Thame knows Jun is trying to screw him over, and still considers him trustworthy? Boy, what is wrong with you?

Po looked so sad when Thame told him they couldn't hang out anymore, and then he gave him his phone number and you could see him rebooting

Oh, these two are unexpectedly good plotters, I love that. Not enough good plotters in bl. And they've only just met? Insane chemistry, I love it here

I want to go to this arcade that all the bl boys go to

It hurts that Thame was clearly so happy to be making a friend, but Jun was manipulating him from the start. I want to shake him, because he sucks still

I take it back, Jun, you don't suck, you're just incredibly, incredibly STUPID AND BAD AT FEELINGS

Frantic and out of breath with worry Thame is doing things to my heart

I love the mismatched phone number exchange causes problems trope, actually

The punch was preemptive? Oh god they're all so fucking stupid, I love them

Po, my dude, send the text, you will both feel better ffs

EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IS SO BAD AT FEELINGS OH MY GODDDD

“Tell me your number, I'll remember every single digit, I don't want to forget it” are you fucking kidding me, that's so fucking romantic I want to scream

[goldom]

HI3 Pt 5 Ch V let's go

Aaannd I'm immediately lost. Didn't we leave off in the middle of an apocalypse with an Evil Me floating in the sky? Why am I just on a spaceship hanging out?

No really, am I in the right chapter?

After a bit of searching it seems I'm missing seeing a whole first section of story dialogue. Watched it on YouTube. I'm still confused but I think I'm in the right place?

Also even as someone coming here from HSR, I do not love how it is suddenly being shoehorned into HI3. Sparkle crossover sillies, sure whatever, but making stuff like aeons part of the lore feels like a mistake. I guess not a financial mistake tho given the two games' relative income...

okay thank you story for taking pity on me

So the pt 1 girls and Vita aren't responsible for Dreamy? She was put there by Evil Dreamy Leylah who is a god? This is a lot to drop casually in a "since last time..." segment. This is exactly what I mean when I say mihoyo cannot write endings to save their lives, with rare exception. Just cliffhanger then skip ahead past the resolution.

Also I still don't actually get what a shadow calamity is (outside the simulation) but I'm willing to accept that part is due to me skipping past pt 1.5 for now.

10 shus? That's too many shus!

me.jpg

oh. goodie. another hoyoverse story about immortality. just what i wanted.

oh ffs is Dreamy obsessed with Sena because Leylah is using this whole simulation thing to try to undo something bad that happened to her Real!Sena in the past and it will in the end be a moral lesson about letting go of the dead I swear to god hoyo if I have already predicted where you're going with this and it's That Again, I am going to be so mad.

I'm starting to think hoyo does not know what jade looks like

Coralie is totes in love with Helia right, I'm not just imagining that?

oh god damn it it's called Amber Street because it's been preserved in time how did it take me this long to realize AGAIN just like with the Amber Lord?

Am I crazy or is Vita in plain white gown a way better look than her insanely elaborate normal outfit?

Big Herta energy

hey. hey. But wasn't this the patch before Sparkle?

Sure, I'll ship it.

...Looks like hoyo does too.

Current time frame: 100 years ago + 2 hours later + the next day - 3 years ago

Yknow the first time I met Baiji I had to go check if he shared a VA with Genshin's Baizhu to see if they were intended to be the same guy, because they seemed so similar. Though they weren't, I'm feeling that even more now.

You cannot tell me this is not Baizhu.

Sure that's a normal thing to say about your battle partner who you totally aren't in love with

lol ok

...I don't get to hear them before I pick one, huh?

oh shit it's Kiana

oh shit it's a Memokeeper. Man I feel bad for HI3 peeps suddenly having HSR shoved down their throats if they weren't interested before. And I'm still not happy that they switched out (at least the assumption of) "HSR is a separate branch universe on the tree" to "actually HI3 is within HSR's branch, just walled off from everyone else." It makes things like having another Himeko over there feel less acceptable, storytelling-wise. Similarly, the fact that Honkai hates Earth so so so much but the rest of the universe with its thousands of inhabited worlds are totally okay and left alone by it... that feels way dumber if they're supposed to be in the same universe.

It also opens the possibility of what would be some really bad ways they could merge the two. Like if Kiana suddenly bursts into HSR and goes "Hi, I'm the Aeon of Finality now" to save the day at some point, I'm preemptively calling that bad writing.

Oh that was the whole chapter, I did it. I was expecting 5-7 to be enormous the way 1-3 were, but that wasn't too bad. No new boss though, that sucks. I've really liked part 2's story bosses.

[something-about-sunflowers]

What is it about smokers that makes them the least considerate people in the entire fucking world? And I'm including people who vape and people who smoke pot tbh.

(Preemptive 'if this doesn't apply to you then leave me the fuck alone about it, I'm not talking about you but also it probably does apply to you in one way or another and you should do better about that')

My mom doesn't like to go places in my car because I don't want her to smoke in it. She doesn't like to go to the grocery in my car because I won't let her smoke in it. Our regular grocery is MAYBE a 5 minute drive with high traffic.

Everyone I know who vapes does it without a single care for where they are. They do not bother to ask if they CAN do so, they do it until they are told not to. And then they still try to sneak it when they think they can get away with it. They do not care if they blow their vape directly in your face.

When I was a teenager my mom was out of work for a while. My parents were separated and I lived with my mom*. We had such little money on one occasion that, when I happened to have maybe 10$ because a friend lent it to me, I got some mcdonald's for dinner. My mom was mad I used the money for food instead of buying her cigarettes. We had next to NOTHING to eat in the house.

(*Believe it or not this was still preferable to living with my dad.)

Every person I know who smokes pot doesn't give half a rat's ass that it smells fucking RANCID to people who don't. When I was in school there were kids who came by my group's lunch table and would just light up a joint like nobody minded. I minded. The smell was bad enough but the smoke itself ALSO FUCKS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNGS. SOME PEOPLE HAVE SHITTY LUNGS. They literally only stopped because one of the people in my group wound up pregnant and asked them not to because it could affect her baby. She STILL had to ask them to stop several times.

As a kid I got bullied because all of my clothes smelled like smoke. I had chronic bronchitis and if it wasn't directly caused by my parent's smoking it certainly was exacerbated by it. I have been burned on at least three separate occasions by three separate people's cigarettes because they didn't care enough to pay attention to where they were waving it around.

I already know I have shitty parents and that is a contributing factor to some of this but it still stands that OTHER people in my life are like this too. Everyone I have ever met who smokes or vapes has been like this one way or another. It is infuriating.

[fea-resources]

Best Unhinged Commentary As RP Starters Pt.1

Preemptively shoot them. Double tap for the fucking idiot who came before you and didn't.

Shoot her anyway. Shoot her for having a crappy hairstyle.

You start doing some freaky shit like the padre, I'm gonna shoot you.

I'm serious. Don't fucking start turning into a Thing. I'll shoot you. This is a small ass house.

Marco...? Better not be a fucking polo around here.

Yeah but they'd taste bitchin' in the few minutes before you died horribly.

Anything else in here that I need, before I go? Besides ANOTHER HEART ATTACK.

THERE BETTER NOT BE ANYTHING ELSE WAITING FOR ME OUT THERE BECAUSE I WILL SHOOT IT IN THE FACE.

That noise was behind me... that noise was behind me, right? ...that wasn't behind me.

Why is there a pile of dead bodies here now? This wasn't here before.

My work place has rat traps so I guess they have vermin problems, and this makes me so happy because if I see one of those fuckers I'ma grab it with my bare hands and wow the whole store. Up my pay grade. I can catch rats myself!

Try anything once. ESPECIALLY once if its toxic.

She's your stalker girlfriend. You will be hers or you will not have the chance to be anything else.

Standing in the bushes. A great strategy. I love bushes.

I know s/he can go straight through doors, I just hope s/he doesn't go straight through THIS fucking door.

Go away, I don't want what you're fucking selling.

HULK WANT OUT. LET HULK OUT.

Its Hulk's weak bitch ass cousin.

You're right, I don't like any noise, because noise means bad stuff.

That fucking laugh though... "nyA HA".

The devil's brew and the devil's lettuce. How many other things does the devil have?

Gotta face your fears. Face them like a man. A big, burly man. A bara, even.

Best friends kill each other before the apocalypse.

That's not heavy breathing -- its purring.

MY SON ISN'T LIKE THAT. MY SON JUST WANTS AFFECTION.

I love the additions of the flies, but the lack of maggots and decay is upsetting.

She's just mad cuz her tanning bed turned her into jerky.

Ghouls in a box, much like kittens in a box, but now with fifty percent more mauling.

What, is fifty percent mauling not good enough for you? Is this year's model not violent enough? GOD, not everyone can keep up with your strict mauling standards.

Oh come on, my mauling standards aren't that high. I just assumed this wasn't the world of Hello Kitty or MLP.

How safe is the safe house, really?

S/he wants you to stay that bad. S/he's such a sweetheart. Clingy and murderous, but a sweetheart.

Hey look, its the slow mo brain juice again.

Its just a bullet to the brain, mate. Ain't that bad. I've taken a few of those.

Excuse you. That is called abstract art. And it is gorgeous.

Its the sound of forgiveness. Screaming and then silence.

Sitting here making noise on the sidelines with the desperate hope it gets you caught somehow.

Children are omens of death. Do not follow the pitter patter of feet.

I swear to god nothing better crawl out after me. I will throw my ______ and then regret it.

You think a door will save you? You're a stupid bitch.

And you are 100% faking death good sir.

I wanna lick every single window in this place. I'm not sure why, but I just want to.

Sabotage kitty.

Its me in the mornings, and the knife is reality.

He's 50 shades of dead.

Uh I don't wanna go in the church because... stuff happens in the church.

Nothing over here except that dude having a grand old time, just... slamming his fists into that body. You know.

I'm okay. I'm gonna be fiiine. Who am I kidding? I'm gonna get fucked. Hard. In a very unpleasant way.

RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, I'M THE ZOMBIE CRONCH MAN.

That's right, I don't have the hand axe anymore cuz I used it while I was in church, damn it.

Damn, you had a bad time. You lost your leg-- yeah, there's the leg.

Why do you eat so many bullets?

S/HE. FUCKING. ATE. BULLETS.

This house is aesthetic. That couch however... is not.

YEA BO- wait. What the fuck is this?

*Gets out the hose. Pressure washes _______ with holy water*

THAT'S NOT HOLY WATER. THERE'S NOTHING HOLY ABOUT IT, EXCEPT THAT IT FILLS ME WITH HOLES.

Dead raccoons smell a lot like melting brussel sprouts. Pro tip.

I genuinely forgot how to spell his name, and just don't care at this point.

Sell shit, be rich for about 5 seconds, then be poor.

Sky pervert you say?

Oh there you are. I tried to summon you like beatle juice but it didn't work.

Well you should'a said that chant over a dead possum. Then I would'a heard you.

Confession. I'm still hella weak for bunny tatas.

Ah, so polite. You're also like. My well of never-ending potions.

Every city looks pretty at night. They look better on FIRE at NIGHT.

Never mind. He looked better through the blurry window.

I don't know if this is weird but, does catnip... smell like tea? Cuz I think it kinda smells like tea.

I missed my chance to be Cool and say 'I've never snorted catnip'. I disappoint myself.

Dang you only had 8 dollars? You're a poor ass soldier, what the fuck.

I guess I WILL just... sound the alarm.

THE SHEEP LOOK LIKE MUPPETS, WHAT THE FUCK. THEY'RE SO CUTE.

I hate being blinded too... I say as I never wear glasses I need to wear.

*to the tune of shots* BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS

ANGERY BUNNY BUTT.

I WOULD EAT IT. BET IT TASTES LIKE CYANIDE AND HEARTBURN.

I hate those boots. I wish you'd just put on actual pants.

That dysfunctional wardrobe is the final boss.

Jar jar binks got big. Stronk stronk bigs.

Let _______ have the tittie of bitch.

My fingers are dyslexic, pass it on. Calling you stupid bone sausages out.

Angels don't talk about Eiffel tower dick.

Yeah, I ditched him. I don't even care if he's asleep. I ditched him.

All those burnt corpses look like bacon to me. Crispy dragon-charred bacon.

you're a COWARD. GO TO THE TOP. EMBRACE THE JUMP.

_______ looks like a hobbit, not gonna lie.

I told you your little child bearing bones would catch you! They're springy and resilient!

Congrdeurtions.

The deer pelt is surprisingly sterile. Its the most sterile thing in this fucking place.

My dream is to be able to spell astetic... asthmatic... antsthetic... antstatic... aunt stacy? You know what I mean.

I wanna lick the sugar candy in the sky.

Wait, I missed the corpse. We have to go back for the corpse. Leave NO man behind.

SOS jerky.

Adopt a child. It's time.

I was named after a slutty country singer. And a car.

Back in my day, we used beds and called it woohoo. Just like the Sims. That’s where all my Sex Ed comes from.

Back in my day, we walked 4 miles with ONE FUCKIN' SHOE, and we shared between 5 of us, through the snow, because I ate the other shoe.

And I’M the one that needs to pray?

Why did you come back to the kink dungeon?

Lucifer is still pretty hot, I hear.

NO. PLEASE. I'LL BE GOOD. I'LL CALL YOU MASTER AND WEAR A SHOCK COLLAR AND EVERYTHING.

Nah, I'm thinking of something ten times as traumatizing.

No fire. Only suffering. Face the dark and cold like a dragon.

Fucking capitalism.

Your kindling looks like dog turds, and I know my dog turds.

_____ WAS STRANGLING A RAT. I HEARD ITS LIL ANGRY RAT SOUNDS.

I'd imagine bodies that sit at 98 degrees F while doing nothing get pretty hot when pressed together and doing activities that raise your blood pressure. That's like a 400 degree sauna right there if my math is right. Pretty toasty. ....that makes me wanna never do anything cause that's HOT.

Good. Sex is bad - its how babies are made and we don't want none of that.

Condoms are a thing, but so are holes and accidents. Why do you think I'm here?

Pornhub is good to us... on what not to do. That’s where I found that shrek video, and Spongeknob Squarenuts.

Wood - the original forbidden fruit.

This is the least sexy sex dungeon, let’s be real here. No mood lighting, cold, no R&B music. Where’s the pizzazz?

Maybe they played music on the bones?

Do NOT. I have nightmares about that.

I can no longer look at a naked anatomical skeleton in all casual and comfort anymore.

I am very uncomfortable with naked skeletons.

______'s hair is Cheeto colored which is honestly such a look. You rub your hand through his hair, your fingers come back stained with neon orange dust. Cheeto dandruff.

Who's playing the meat sticks again? I heard the meaty slaps. I still hear them.

Alright. Go gather your quotes you quote whore.

FAKE. YOU'RE A FAKE. YOU'RE A FAKE ________ FAKE AS FUCKING SHIT.

Oh. I thought you were talking to me when you said fake and I was like "someone noticed".

There you go; _____ knows the lyrics. _____ knows nothing.

I mean... hi... leggy up... same diff. Greeting you with my leggy.

You know minus the fire, this is a very nice house.

I don't know about you but the fire is aesthetic. I think its an improvement.

Uh, holy shit, violent much?

See by this point I would'a been like "fuck that I ain't gettin' in that bathtub again."

I hope I can kill you. You already look like someone I wanna kill.

This is where shit goes to shit.

You know it is really unfair you are able to appear and throw that that well and hit me because the universe fucking hates me-- OH GOD.

NO. We don't HAVE to check it out.

Rename him Kibbles n Bits.

Calm your bullet boner.

There goes the neighborhood. Now it really is Silent Hill.

I'm not used to having the camera that close to my ass.

You know, this is a lot less screaming than I anticipated. Still good though. Still satisfying.

Be The Squirrel. A very big squirrel. And very destructive like a squirrel.

You totally want to go down the creepy hallway, don’t lie.

Seriously, what was with all the monkey comments in Twilight?

I took out mine quicker. Did you see how I swung the shIT out of him and he ragdolled?

Squirrel game not strong enough.

I’m sexually attracted to a library. *finger guns*

He just… spread his ass cheeks wide open for that death.

I don’t plan hiding places, I plot environmental hazard spots. Catch me taking random and increasingly dangerous routes.

To be fair, I dented the pole with my face. So it was a tie.

Flirting, _____ style: Light them on fire. Man that’s actually kind of a weird thing to say when you remember how many things and people ______ has lit on fire.

I assumed he would come back on Wednesday because he’d be out of weed. He’s always out of weed on this day. Weedless Wednesdays.

I may just suck at sucking.

Give me the cat nip.

Make sure you inhale with your stomach – inhale the maximum amount of glow.

Your fucking shit is mine.

COTTAGE CHEESE COMES FROM SWISS CHEESED DICKS. EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE.

Today on "____ Ruins Everything".

Look at that goddamn library. I’d put my cottage cheese all over that thing.

HQ to ________. You’re breaking up. Over.

I’m sorry I keep breaking up with you guys, I just feel like our relationship isn’t going to advance any further.

I’LL PISS IN THE BENDY PART OF THEIR KNEE.

Bullet buffet.

If it fits I fuckings falls ins.

Its because I said Tits Save Lives, isn't it?

The feeling when you hear the word smoker and think of meat smoker first despite hanging with stoners…

Spider Pirahnas. Spirahnas.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON? YOU PUT YOUR HEAD BACK ON RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN.

WUT UP MY DITCH COUSINS?

I ain't even high right now.

HI, I HEARD THERE WAS FIRE.

________ confirmed for arsonist.

He didn't see you. He smelled you.

I still don't get how he does all this shit with them tight ass pants.

RIP his balls. RIP his life too. ________ is the real one stripping balls.

Sasuke Uchiha'd his ass to the future.

He scream at own ass.

No, that guy took it to the knee. His third knee.

I GUESS it counts as a bone.

Walked crooked for a month. Got roasted with anal jokes.

When life throws grenades, pick them up and throw them back. I DON'T WANT YOUR GOD DAMN GRENADES.

He found the mummified corpse of an old man holding his dick in his last fap session in his tomb.

Those aren't swords, those are Mammoth Cleavers.

...I'm not making those noises.

I'm a rat murderer and taker of treasure.

God damn it, you were supposed to be a magic charm to make these rare game come out and instead you hurt its feelings!

Let's not bring up our Lord and Savior the Helix fossil.

Don't make those noises. Makes me think of dirty things.