#i know i will never be able to lose a significant amount of weight and keep it off either. because that's how science works.

[erismourn]

i try not to think about the reality of being a fat person too much but unfortunately i fail at that. ohhhh my god dude. everyone i've ever met thinks, at least once but usually more, that I am disgusting and indolent. i will never find love because of anti-fat bias. i don't even know if i'll be able to travel anywhere by plane again because of the need for seatbelt extenders. people sit on top of me on public transit sometimes. i can't eat, even alone, without severe anxiety because people think I'm disgusting. I know there's somethign wrong with my physical health but I don't want to wait 10+ months to see a specialist just for them to tell me to lose weight. like do thin people even understand the trauma of existing in a fatphobic society at all. do you know the burden of dealing with this every day, everywhere you go, from people who tell you they love you?

[frickfatphobes]

Any advice for how to accept your body and it's needs for someone who's gained a significant amount weight over the past decade and a half? I wasn't always as big as I am now, when I was 20 I was around 130-150lbs but around then I started taking a medication which has lead me to steadily gaining weight to the point I am now in my mid 30s at around 410lbs last time I went to the doctor. I've read up on fat liberation and it seems pretty clear to me that losing weight is unrealistic but sometimes it's just hard to accept that this is how big I am now. I look back at pictures from back in the day and remember how easy it was getting around, how I could spend all night out and never get tired. These days I can barely go grocery shopping without becoming exhausted. I've debated getting a mobility scooter but it just sounds so defeating but deep down I have a feeling it's what my body needs. I've tried light exercise and though it's improved my mobility some I still have some trouble getting around and still need to take breaks to sit down when walking longer distances.

Sorry if this is a lot I've just been thinking about this lately my bodies just gone through much change compared to when I was younger that I'm looking for some outside input.

No need to apologize. I love receiving asks like this and I'm happy to share my thoughts! Of course I'm no expert, but I'll do my best to provide good advice based on the information you provided here.

There are many challenges that come with accepting one's body, especially when it's more than just aesthetics that are affected by a person's size or weight. Fat liberation, as fantastic as it can be at healing someone emotionally or mentally, cannot change physical or mobility-related difficulties.

I've had an experience lately that reminded me that there are many fun things I used to love doing that I can't anymore, because the world refuses to become more inclusive to accommodate people like me. And you may think that your case isn't about inclusivity, but it might be somewhat related. Maybe you could still be able to spend a whole night out if you didn't have to waste your energy looking through a million places to find one that will accommodate you, or have large or comfortable enough seats, or don't force you to park super far away from the bar or club you want to visit.

And more importantly, you never should have been taught by media or parental figures or friends that using a mobility device means you're giving in to defeat. That is internalized ableism. Regardless of a person's weight, they should never feel weak or guilty for being accommodated for, even if they "don't really need it." (If it's preventing pain or exhaustion, it actually IS a necessity.)

Now, all that being said, I'm going to do my best to give you some advice based on what I've read here. Please remember that in the end, you know yourself and your body better than anyone else does, and if any of the advice feels wrong to you, then please take it with a grain of salt.

First, I think you should absolutely consider getting a mobility aid. You don't have to use it all the time, but if it will help prevent pain or exhaustion, it's worth looking into. You don't deserve to be tired or hurting all the time.

Second, if exercise helps you, keep finding ways to move that you enjoy and that feel good to you. The benefits of exercise cap out at around twenty minutes a day, and it doesn't even have to be consecutive. Don't ever push yourself past your limits or continue if you're in pain. Despite popular belief, exercise shouldn't hurt.

Third, keep looking into fat liberation. It has helped my mental health a ton. The best way to be happy with your body is realizing that there's nothing wrong with it as it is now, even if it often feels that way because of the constant bigotry around you. It sucks to get tired more quickly than you used to, but you can absolutely still live an amazingly fulfilling life without your body being the way it was.

Whatever you do, don't let anyone tell you that you aren't allowed to use a mobility aid or live happily in your body as it is. You deserve to feel joy without having to lose weight first.

I hope this helped at least a little bit, and I hope things get better for you.

[significant-narratives]

as a mitch scholar is mitch a mirrorball or a this is me trying?

anon, thank you for your patience!! i have been turning this ask around in my mind since the day i got it... i am so honoured you would come to me of all people for mitch scholarship i hope i was able to do your ask justice 🫡

the tl;dr -- gut reaction is to say 'mirrorball', but ultimately 'this is me trying' is, i think, a better fit for mitch (at least, through my own lens).

more in depth musings below the cut (fair warning a lot of this is just me rambling aimlessly)

i'd start by saying i think that mirrorball and this is me trying (timt) do share a fair amount of overlap in terms of the themes they touch on (identity, abandonment issues, fear of losing your shine/potential, wistful longing), and because of that, i think you could make a strong argument for either song.

you could probably make an argument that mirrorball fits more when mitch was a rookie, to an extent.

for example, if we take the opening verse of mirrorball:

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

well that's mitchell 'swiss army knife' marner for you... makes his linemates better, makes the pk better, makes our pp look functional. team has a problem? send in the mouse.

but here's where the mirrorball narrative starts to not work quite as well, i think:

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in

how do i explain this... this implies a level of persona building that mitch doesn't have, imo? from everything we've seen as fans, and what we've heard from coaches, friends, teammates past and present etc, mitch is very much himself all the time. even when it doesn't necessarily serve him well (see: his relationship w/ the press).

moreover, mirrorball is a song that grapples with this idea of how to keep someone's attention and affections by changing yourself -- 'i've never been a natural'. i would argue that mitch is a natural. he has that inherent starlike quality to him and his game that -- while definitely bolstered by years of hard work -- is also, an inherent part of who he is. he's weaving spells on ice. making magic out of thin air.

i think patty put it best during his leaf to leaf with mitch:

mitch: if there was one piece of advice you'd like me for me to remember for the rest of my career, what would it be? [...] patrick: for you, i would just realize how good you are. i don't know if you realize how good you are, are going to be.

how good you are. are going to be. mitch was always going to be a star, i think. now whether or not he can handle the weight that comes with burning that bright... well.

which brings us to timt:

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down

mitch was born and raised in toronto, and this city demands a lot from him. he's our hometown hero and somewhere along the way, that stopped being a blessing and turned into a bit of a curse.

there's a lot of pressure on this core to deliver toronto to the promised land. for mitch, this pressure is made worse by the fact that a significant portion of the fanbase is still mad over his last contract (how dare he not take a hometown discount + his contract negotiations were rather... public) + he faces a lot of criticism for his game 'not translating' in the playoffs (despite the fact that. the stats don't support this i don't believe?).

like. he had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting! would you even care if he came back! (also also. 'followed my fears all the way down' ... him sitting in that penalty box trying not to cry as he watched their playoff hopes exploded... yikes yikes yikes)

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here

that aries moon babyyy. he's blunt he's got big opinions he is squeaking at the refs and yapping on the bench! honestly crazy to me that mitch's undiganosed-adhd-coded ass ended up with two of the most patient people on earth for teammates.

'i was so ahead of the curve / the curve became a sphere' he was shattering records as a rookie! he was a star prospect! and now the ontario hockey uncles and the media are trying to put shambles in his brain!

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

this is verse is about 1634. no i won't elaborate.

And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (And maybe I don't quite know what to say) I just wanted you to know That this is me trying At least I'm trying

and here we are at perhaps the most central part of this song. i want you to know that i'm trying. and this is truly a key part of the mitch marner thesis.

he's always going to give it one more shot. and maybe this time he'll manage to make it right. he can't be any other version of himself but who he is, but he's here. and he's trying. he's wearing his heart on his sleeve. he's hugging carlton the bear during warmups and flipping pucks at kids over the glass. he still wears the pink bracelet hayden gave him. he's drawing smiley faces on his gloves and cellying 'like an idiot [...] like i'm back in juniors'. they hate him for his inherent whimsy and unbreakable spirit but truly where would we be without mitch marner.

[showfallmediacameracrew]

[This post was made using Showfall Media Text-To-Speech. If you believe there's been an error and would like to end Showfall Media Text-To-Speech, please say 'End transcript'. ]

[Nonverbal input Registered as: fabric and upholstery shifting with weight, a barely perceptible huff of satisfaction as the conversation begins to be heard.] 

J: ...Just give me a second Ruth, normal seats are annoyingly difficult for me to sit in with my tail in the way. I’ll put my phone right there, to make it more comfortable for me, apologies if my lounging might make it seem as though I’m not taking this seriously. 

R: No, no, you’re totally fine. Ah. I can understand why that would be an issue. Erm. So. 

[Nonverbal input Registered as: Clearing throat from unregistered user] 

R: What are you doing out of the facility? I know you said you were looking for some sort of restaurant, but I’d imagine there’s food inside the facility too?

J: Yeah, but it’s mall food, and mall food is shit. Besides, not exactly good for a date night to eat where you live and work, and I figured food prepared at a place that knows what it's fucking doing might taste better. 

R: Wai- date?? With who? 

[Altered Pitch Registered: quieter but not a whisper.] 

R: I didn’t know demons had, like. Romance. Huh.

J: Yeah... you're going to need to like, stop believing demons are emotionless or whatever. You're aware we’re the same level of sentient beings right? Like we do a lot of the same stuff humans do, we’re just different and cooler. 

[Nonverbal input Registered: user huffs, unclear if meant to be a laugh or a sigh of botherment]

J: He’s not a demon though, he’s a normal human, kinda eccentric, but he’s my Little Bird. 

[Nonverbal input Registered: pen scratching on paper.] 

R: Fascinating--wait, that’s another thing, does he work within Showfall? And what would you say is, like, the demon to human ratio in there?

J: He used to work for Showfall, now I think he’s living in the walls or somewhere else, but maybe he’ll wanna live in the room I commandeered for myself later. Most of the people working there are human though. There are other demons of course, but not as many as you probably were thinking. 

[Nonverbal input registered: shifting fabric and a dull thump from what could be a tail as he snorts]

J: Most of them aren’t powerful at all, like Chase, just lower demons who do the jobs they're given and lack any significant powers. Isn’t that right, G’lopp? Just a weak slime demon who gets stuck to the floor because your suit was the only thing really sticky about you. 

[Nonverbal input registered: Chair scraping against wood and a startled noise]

C: … What??

R: You own a suit?

C: No??

J: It was more a costume then anything, acting and stuff. His memory has never really been the best, though that could be said for a lot of the lower demons. The suit was just a one time thing before he was put in the recent job he had before... getting here.

C: … Yeah. Uh. Something like that.

R: The demons are actors??

J: Some of them! Most are humans. The demons mostly help with the special effects if they have the power for that.  

[Altered Pitch Registered: whispered]

R: Hah! I suspected that…

[Nonverbal input registered: pen scratching again, a closer quiet rumble of a chuckle from right beside the mic speaker from the phone's user.]

R: Uhhh, okay, what’s with the whole…? Amphibious features thing? 

J: Do you know what’s the most special feature about an Axolotl, Ruth? They can heal themselves, they can lose limbs and grow them back. They can do this with even their own hearts and brains. Why wouldn’t someone, already fairly powerful, want an ability like that? It has its drawbacks, having to be submerged in water for a certain amount of time and being sure I’m never fully dry, but it’s cool. It’s fine. It’s useful for someone with my job to be able to heal from potential grievous injuries. 

[Time between last spoken words: 10 seconds broken by a loud sigh directly against the speaker mic]

J: It was...you could say, an experiment done by a... friend. We’d gotten into a rather bad fight against some powerful enemies, and the friend had recently... gained powers that allowed the alterations, of a sort. It’s a little fuzzy for me personally, I’m sure you understand, I wasn’t really awake for the decision. 

R: … No. No yeah I understand. That… You don’t seem particularly happy about it?

J: Oh I am. Axolotls are my favorite animals! It’s mostly the wings that I’m not a fan of. I can understand how you hadn't noticed.

[Nonverbal input registered: a dull thump and grunt as the registered user shifts fabric, and something light brushes across the speaker as it flopped down to the floor, shifting starting up again as registered user continues back in original position.]

J: They don’t work, they were broken during the fight. I... had a raven companion, who would become part of me and lend me his wings. He died when the wings were broken, and without his presence, they can’t be used. This sort of injury, from the being that did it, can’t be healed by normal animal means. 

R: That’s… I’m sorry about your bird. I kind of figured this was just your demon appearance, I didn’t realize it had, like. A whole backstory for all of it, I guess?

J: Heh, that’s a good word for it, yes. I did say I was a vampire first. The horns and everything else came later, I did grow more sharp teeth from the axolotl stuff, I think that amused Angus. He was uh, a werewolf friend I had at the time. He’s the one who did the Axolotl thing. 

[Time between last spoken words: 6 seconds, then an amused snort detected to be feigning wistfulness upon internal analysis.]

J: The good news about it though is I sometimes see my raven's ghost. A wonderful perk of assuming the position of the God of the Dead after killing the old one.

R: … God. Like. Like an actual God.

J: Yes. Angus only was able to save me because he took control over the domain of the God of Animals a few weeks before. You didn’t think I was calling myself a demon king because I’m a vampire, did you? I’m a demon, what humans would probably call a monster even, and I happen to be the ruler over the realm of the dead. 

R: … Wow. Wait, I… am I supposed to like, uh, address you as your majesty or something??

C: No, you don’t have to. It’s. Uh. Optional.

J: You're also not dead yet, so no. He’s right. The old gods were old enough to no longer remember their own names, and now they’re dead, along with the whole ‘your majesty’ deference bullshit thing. They didn’t even do their jobs anymore at the point we killed them, it was a whole issue, that’s why me and my friends fought them. Now death is treated like the next stage in life, like it should be. I’m perfectly content being known as the Demon King. 

R: Oh, shit, are you saying humans become demons when they die, or like-?

J: I’m saying your soul goes to the afterlife, where I will rule when I’m fully old enough to assume the title. For now, I can summon and talk to ghosts sometimes, but mostly I’m just hanging out. Seeing the life my friend Dixie thrives in. She’s the goddess of life, she’s technically still human probably. I assume she’s somewhere in a flower field at this point getting excited about bee pollination.

C: I can see why she would be. Absolutely, uh, invigorating stuff.

R: Wait, how old even are you?

[Nonverbal input registered: A brief laugh after Chase spoke, weight shifting as fabric rustles. The possible tail thumping a few more times as registered user hummed thoughtfully]

J: Oh, I’m 25. This happened around when we all were 12 or so, maybe a bit older for a few of us. I’ve got a few years until I need to actually go back to the afterlife and properly train to care for the souls. 

[Time between last spoken words: 4 seconds]

R: Is that like when your contract ends, or…

J: Contracts aren’t a thing, no one wants your soul. There’s no currency or buying shit when you're dead, and demons don’t really...claim lives I guess? Like they can say they have your soul but everyones going to my domain regardless. I’m like the Devil, I guess, if we want to choose a religion to fuck with. Except hell is also Heaven and there's ghosts and monsters and stuff just... existing. That, that’s most of what I learned in the little bit of training I got before working with Showfall. There's... probably more.

[Nonverbal input registered: Slight shifting of fabric again, moment of contemplated silence]

J: That isn't when anything ends really though, just when I’m old enough to assume responsibility and fully come into my title, I suppose. 

R: Okay, yeah, that makes sense, uhm. And- oh, I forgot to ask this one- what’s your job, at Showfall, exactly?

J: I’m a Director of Photography, a DP. I work on a camera crew, basically. Done that for five years. It’s fun, I tell people what to do, it’s sort of my own version of learning to lead and direct people to do what I want them to do. 

R: Huh. And what were you doing before then…?

J: Jumped into the afterlife after one of my friends literally turned into the moon. It took awhile to kill what literally amounted to a concept instead of a physical person. So, I guess she isn’t technically the moon. That was... that took some years. And I had to leave once everything had settled to establish my connection to the afterlife before it probably imploded or something. 

[Time between last spoken words: 6 seconds] 

R: … Wow. You’ve had, uh, quite the eventful life, huh? 

J: Yeah, which is why it’d be nice to go to a normal restaurant, and have dinner with my boyfriend. If you could give me some names of ones you know around here. You can ask me any other questions you have of course, but this seemed like a good time to ask again. 

Altered Pitch, subverbal input only heard from closeby proximity: barely a mutter]

J: Save draft, end transcript now before this gets-

[Transcript has ended. Thank you for using Showfall Media Text-To-Speech! Saving to Draft Downloads... ]

[drtrusslerliposuctionaustin]

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[finsterhund]

Medication and guilt.

So I'm destined that unless there's significant medical breakthroughs in the treatment of currently chronic conditions to always be taking a variety of medications until I die.

Chronic physical conditions, chronic mental conditions, neurodivergent traits that are benefitted from medication, etc.

I've resigned myself to this. To never surviving in the wild. It's fine.

But recently it's become apparent that cannabis as a consistently reoccurring medication is ultimately more beneficial for me than taking it rarely on occasion.

I feel guilty about this from childhood abuse, shame, and from my birth father being an addict, and it feels like it "doesn't count" and it's "a harder drug than stuff my doctor prescribed me" but ultimately it's just a plant. A flower. I shouldn't be acting like it's somehow worse than my lab grown doctor prescribed antipsychs, antidepressants, etc.

But idk just the guilt and the feeling of being a loser?

Guh.

But undeniable is the fact that cannabis is both significant in helping me manage my physical ailments and my mental ones too. I'm actually able to sit down and be creative and design things and not feel overcome with guilt, perfectionism, and grief. Accessing things that were inside me this whole time but that a significant portion of my brain was cutting me off from. It's like my PTSD makes me suppress enjoying life to prepare me for something bad to happen. And cannabis can briefly prevent that.

I must stress the cannabis does not give me things that weren't already there. It allows me to shut off pain and grief and all of that. To see beyond the constant fog.

With this being said, I am seriously considering making this an intentional reoccurring thing in my life after a detailed conversation addressing the risks with my doctor I had during a previous appointment.

I'm not going into this lightly. I know I'm predisposed to addiction and such. I am aware there are risks and wanted to discuss them first.

But cannabis allows me to experience what it is like to not be suffering all the time. And I think that's something worth pursuing.

I know that as someone who is open about being mentally a child most of the time means that my use of medications might make people uncomfortable and I'm sorry for that. I'd just say to think of it like any other medication I'm working with my doctor on using to help me. I'm a special child after all. Special circumstances.

I'm also going to exclusively be using legal cannabis that has been regulated by the government. If possible I will be looking into medically prescribed too.

I'm of a very scientific mind and I've been trying to approach this as objectively as I can.

Since consuming gummies for pain, the amount of excessive "liver killer" type pain meds I've been taking has dropped drastically, I've had more energy and creativity, and I think I am even losing weight.

I hope you all will not think less of me for this.

~Andy

[svereds-wise-words]

Rashomon

One of the things that would have drawn viewers attention during this time is the mystery and intrigue surrounding the death of the samurai and the insanity of Tajomaru. Throughout the film Tajomaru is continuously laughing maniacally, as if everything was a game to him and that nothing posed a challenge to him. It felt as he couldn't understand the weight of the situation he was in, or simply felt that he was above it all and nothing mattered anymore. Throughout the trial, the defendants recounts all show a significant amount of confusion, delirium. and unease in their statements. In Masako's account, she recalls the dead cold look in her husbands eyes after Tajomaru fled. She retreats away from her husband after asking him to kill her, and her unease grows as the camera sway with her in uncertainty. It swings right and left as she moves back and forth trying to avoid her husbands deathly glare, helping to invoke the emotion Masako had within the audience.

in regards to Takehiro's death, we have three alternate stories (albeit two from the same person, just while they were possessed), allowing the audience to step in and play detective throughout the film. The film is being told by the priest and the woodcutter throughout, but they both reference that it was stranger than anything they had ever experienced, meaning that from the beginning there was never a promise of a clear answer. As the audience in order to truly understand what happened you have to play as detective in order to keep up with everything going on, forcing you to engage. The story keeps you engaged by keeping the actual events obscure and keeping all the stories full of holes and oddities. Every participating character seems to have either lost their mind, or to be losing their mind. It's all kind of weird, and the stories change, so you don't know who to trust or what to believe.

As a final twist to the story, it takes you from the court scene and introduces a baby and tries to accuse the woodsman of stealing the dagger. Another twist of the knife in this story. Where did the baby come from? did the woodsman actually steal the knife, or was he just not able to defend himself because he didn't know where it really was? Why did the woodsman want to take the child in the end? Where is this child's parents? It constantly introduces new questions, never really answering the previous ones with more than speculation and guesswork.

One thing I appreciated was the style of camera movement between similar shots. Whenever they were defending themselves in what I assume was a court, the camera never strayed from still shorts, except when Masako is possessed by the spirit of her dead husband. It helps to establish the shot and increase the familiarity of the scene despite the changing people and appearances.

[talturing]

Losing Weight at 60

Hey, I lost some weight so I have to say something

I've done some things in my life that I am proud of and some that I am not-so-proud. But fewer are those that impressed me after the fact; and losing weight is something I have done before but to lose weight, again, at 60 years old, in the way I did, and the amount I did, well I am impressed with myself. It won't be something that anyone would ever remember me for. On the surface it is not all that impressive especially in a world where you can find a thousand stories of people who went from 400 pounds, sky-high blood pressure and barely able to stand; then, one year later, running marathons and looking like a fitness model. But being impressed, about anything, has something to do with understanding the associated difficulties and although I am not now participating in extreme sports and my physical looks would not turn your head, I think impressed is the appropriate word.

Why blog about it? As usual, one blogs to share and hopefully to help or aid someone else's thinking or endeavors. But, so you know, my story is not very dramatic, without alot of tears, joyful jumping-in-the-air or life-changing transformations and breakthroughs. I remain, pretty much, the same person I was but, as I said, I am both happy and impressed with my accomplishments. Don't get me too wrong, losing weight, for everyone, is a frustrating, difficult thing and many people blame themselves when they are not successful. But the way I see it, all significant goals are the similar; we aspire, we dream, we try and very often we do not succeed, whether it has to do with launching a successful business, finding a life partner, raising children or even balancing our check books. Somehow, our weight is measured differently, perhaps because almost all of us were content with our weight for the first XX years of our lives and then we lost it. Maybe it's like losing your keys - you know you had it once so it's infuriating that now its gone. How often do you find someone beating themselves up because they aren't as athletic as they "used to be" or as healthy as the "used to be" or as happy as they "used to be". Adulthood and aging brings challenges and most of all change.

Okay, but let me get to it. First just a little background (I promise): I am a 60 year-old man (strange to see me write that) and growing up I was mildly athletic but introverted. I weighted about 150 lbs in high school and that number grew to 220 lbs by the time I was 40. By that time I was married and my wife did all the cooking. A few times since then, I have been able to lose 10-20 pounds but eventually gaining it back. I have joined gyms on and off and have been fairly healthy except for recurring back pain. In this last attempt (I am not so naive to think there will be never be another), I went from about 210 pounds to currently 172 pounds and my goal was 180.

But it didn't happen fast. In the end, it took about 2 years: an average of less than 2 pounds a month. Not a week, a MONTH. It wasn't easy, it was frustrating and I took mild breaks. That doesn't mean that I gave up, just that there might be a week or two where I dropped my routine. The good new, is that toward the end, to my surprise, it got easier and the weight came off faster than before. This is important. Even doing the right things and following my routine, it was still very slow at the start and it was easy to get frustrated and I was often frustrated.

Tip #1 - you have to be in it to win it. That doesn't mean that I was going crazy with exercise or dieting or anything like that. It means that I thought about my routine every day. Even on days when I didn't follow my routine. Still, I thought about it, I reminded myself of my goals, I took the time to be frustrated or to be encouraged or simply to be determined to keep trying. Encouragement from others is probably very important but in my case I didn't have that. I did not really talk about it with others, but that's just me.

Tip #2 - don't go crazy. Set some reasonable expectations. I did not follow any diet. I started to exercise regularly (3-4 times a week) and I watched what I ate. I did not restrict myself from anything but I started to keep to the foods I really enjoyed and ate less of the other stuff. This might be why it was so slow but again it was better to set reasonable expectations than to see great results. I thought about what I was eating. I ignored things that I did not like and started to only eat things I loved especially when it came to fast food or dessert.

Tip #3 - control what you eat. A better way to say that: DON'T LET OTHERS TELL YOU WHAT TO EAT OR DRINK. Yes, they love you and care about you but people just don't take other people's weight loss seriously enough. This is really important. You may not always make the best choices but get used to thinking about what you eat, what snacks you choose, and what you order off the menu. Don't let others bring you drinks and ALWAYS CONTROL YOUR PORTION SIZE! That doesn't mean small portions, it means you are the person who decides how much to put on your plate. Again, if you are going to have a banana split, it should be because you decided that is what you want. Not because your friend decided not to eat theirs and pushed it to you. Don't let people use "wasting food" as a reason why you should eat it. This is hard for people and it will be for you too but you'll get used to it. Sometimes people will just bring you fast food or a desert as a present/surprise. Yes, that was nice of them but don't allow it. As a rule, I now never accept food as a gift. If I think they won't handle it well, then I accept the gift and throw it out later (yes, I will throw it out). As a rule, I will always reject these 'gifts' even if it is exactly as I want. Now, my friends and family are used to it.

Tip #4 - track your weight. I really hate weighing myself and I don't do it every day but aim for once a week. Yes, it SUCKS, sometimes you will be down and many times you won't. Just weight yourself, write it down and move on. In the beginning, it will just go up and down with only a slow gradual drop. Be persistent. I used a weight loss app. It is very simple, I enter a date and a weight and it gives me a graph and some stats. See below I was down 2 lbs for the month, only 0.7 lbs for that week. Those are numbers you won't see on television but look at the total: down 36 lbs over 2 years.

[purplesurveys]

1766

Would you rather visit The Eiffel Tower or the Egyptian Pyramids? I'd love to go see the pyramids, even though Reddit has heavily implied to me that Egypt isn't the most tourist-friendly place on Earth. Would be a cool thing to tick off my checklist though.

Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight? Yup, that will never happen so it would be extremely surprising.

Do you need to lose or gain weight? I think I'm at more or less the ideal range now, but for the most part I've needed to gain as I'm often underweight.

Do you think you have a disorder but haven’t been properly diagnosed yet? I'm almost certain there's at least one mental disorder hanging around in there - most likely ADHD.

What is the population of the city you live in? A little under 900,000.

How many pairs of jeans do you own? Somewhere over 10, which is already too many for me tbh haha. I like having choices.

When did you last vacuum your room? Couple of weeks ago.

Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight? The last time either one of these happened was when I lost a lot of weight post-breakup. I've deleted all photos of myself that were managed to be taken at the time because I could hardly recognize my own face and body.

On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? Probably a 4 because while I do it frequently, I'm also watchful of the situations I do it in. I wouldn't curse at work or in super public places.

What is the worst thing you’ve ever smelled? Rotten eggs or that infection I got on my foot when I was 11. What’s your favorite social media platform? Reddit.

Name someone with brown eyes. Almost everyone I know has dark brown eyes because, well, that's just how Filipino genes roll.

Do you know what your next injection will be? Most likely just another round of Covid boosters if it comes down to it. I have nothing lined up any time soon though.

Does anyone call you darling? If so who? Nope. That's not a common term of endearment where I live.

If you had to have a cartoon character tattooed to you what would it be? I could go with Pluto so that it can be dog-related.

You have to dye your hair two colours, what do you choose? Pink and orange, just like Hayley Williams in 2013. I've *ALWAYS* wanted to try out that half-and-half style that she did but I'm just way too cowardly to actually push through with it hahaha.

If you could would you look at your future self? Yes. I hate uncertainty and being able to see how my future self would be doing can fix that for me.

Who was your first serious relationship? My first and probably last ex.

If you had to cut a parent out of your life who would you cut out? I hate this question.

If you had to get a piercing right now what would you get done? I would get a nose or lip ring.

Who is the #1 person/thing in your life? I'd put myself at the top of my priorities, honestly.

What are two things you wish you never did? 1) Stop talking to Sofie in college and 2) be an ass of a teenager.

Would you rather have three personal wishes or world peace? I'd get the wishes; I'm a bit pessimistic when it comes to the concept of world peace in that I don't think it will ever be achievable.

What were/is your high school colors? Gold, white, blue.

When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” Just bless you, if I do catch myself greeting someone post-sneeze. I usually just ignore.

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? No.

What are two things you are excited to do in the near future? Get my year-end bonus and use said bonus to go Christmas shopping, hehehe.

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? I live in a house with my family.

Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? Not because I like it but because that's the rule that journalism sets, lol. It's why I spell out one to ten, but use numbers for the rest.

Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? Kleo and Leigh, who have consecutive birthdays.

Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I don't have Photoshop; I never learned how to use it lmao.

Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? I know they never understood why I like wrestling so much so maybe that, yeah.

Leggings with denim shorts; yes or no? Let's leave those in the past.

Do you plan your meals in any way? No tbh I just eat whatever I want. I've never been watchful which I know isn't the healthiest thing to do.

Were you in the scouts when you were young? No.

How many people could sleep in your home? (Not counting floor space; beds and couches only) I would say 7 is the maximum before it starts feeling crowded/not comforable.

Have you ever made a hole-in-one at mini-golf? I've never even played any sort of golf besides on Wii Sports.

What genre was the last song you listened to? Who provided the vocals? K-pop. It was a song by Seventeen.

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? No.

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see? I'd start simple and just hope I see myself still alive by then.

Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women.

Who came over last? A friend of my sister.

Has one of your friends ever tried to “hook you up?” No, they know better than that.

What is your card game of choice? I don't have one. Cards confuse me lol

What is your favourite books series? I never really had one.

If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it and what’s your favorite flavor? Oatmeal is so gross. I had to eat it everyday at a certain point as a kid that I just want to avoid that lumpy bland mess now.

Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video and if not, what was it of? No. It was a compilation of Friends scenes because Matty Perry.

Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery and if so, how much did they win and would you or have you ever played the lottery? I don't know anyone who has and I personally never would. Better safe than sorry.

What was the last thing someone has sincerely thanked you for? The second to the last Grab delivery staff who came to our house had seemed genuinely surprised and thankful for the tip I gave.

What band, celebrity, etc. do you know the most information about and who would you like to learn more about? Probably Audrey Hepburn. I'm not interested in knowing more about anyone else's life.

[homesweetgoodneighbor]

Lemme tell you, my darlings, there is no shame in asking for help. None. Especially if the thing you're needing help with affects you in emotional or physical ways. And, that could be asking friends for aid or scraping the money together to hire some aid.

Spouse and I are okay financially. Not rich by any means, but things came together Just Right that we were able to buy our house. Now, granted, that sucked away a lot of our buffer in the bank and it takes at least 6 months to a year to stabilize a budget after a major life change.

Now, when I move, I have a tendency to go into nesting mode and just clean EVERYTHING. I hate cleaning as a rule. I mean, I do it, but it takes a lot of battling my executive dysfunction just to get small things done, so it's exhausting as a result. But, when I move, I tend to get a sudden burst of "MUST CLEANSE IT ALL AND MAKE IT MINE."

Except, this time, the day we were finishing up moving from the old place, I got the call about my mom going into the hospital...

...and she didn't come out.

Now, being in mourning on top of my seasonal depression over the most hellish summer I have ever experienced in my life thus far AND my general ADHD/anxiety has made it where I do the exact minimum it takes to keep the house in a healthy state, but gods does it need that kind of spring/fall cleaning that I just can't do right now.

And, it has killed me. It is bothering me to no end. I feel like I failed. It has been a constant source of anxiety no matter how much Spouse assures me it's okay. Yes, he does share the chores, but he also works all day, so I feel bad that I haven't accomplished this. It is literally a sword I'm holding over my own head.

So, I made sure we had the budget, and I called a cleaning service to come in for an estimate on a deep clean.

I know most neurotypicals would be like "you could save the money and do it yourself". Right now? This year? After also losing a cousin I was very close to, after an entire summer of hellish heat that I barely was able to function? No, no I can not. Not without help.

I don't have many friends here anymore since I was gone for 15 years. I don't have a local network I can lean on for aid. I'm rebuilding one, but it takes a lot of time. Besides, I have the means, so there is literally zero reason why I shouldn't do it.

Just scheduling the estimate for the job lifted an enormous weight off me. It's not even a guarantee we will take it, but just knowing someone else can come in and say "Oh yeah, we can do this within your budget" has hit me with ridiculous amounts of seratonin.

People who have never been poor just do not understand what it's like when you can do something like this after never being able to before. People who are neurotypical just don't fucking understand that asking for help when you need it is not a fucking failure in itself.

Doing this will give us a significant improvement on our mental health, not to mention I'm a fucking wiz at keeping up with things once it's cleaned and organized. I just get severely overwhelmed when it comes to getting it there. And, I promise you, with this off my shoulders, it will give me back that energy that is wasted on this anxiety and allow me to do the other things I've been wanting to do.

So, yeah, that whole Boomer bullshit of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps"? It's just that, bullshit. Their excuses don't hold up these days, and it's a pretty fucking cruel way of refusing to help someone.

Humans got this far by helping each other. Do not ever feel like you failed because you need help, even if it's help you have to pay for.

[frzngrapes]

29/07

Dear Keycie,

I feel way better than last time I wrote to you, though not much has changed. I found the energy necessary to get out of my house, and I see my friends often which keeps my mood lifted!

I don't remember who it was, but someone suggested that maybe I can't handle loneliness well, and that must be the case. I guess the more I stay alone the less energy I have, the less I go out the more it makes me feel depressed. Being forced out of my room to go to a festival my friends class participated in pushed me outside this spiral, and now I'm better.

The last three weeks were really good, going back and forth between seeing M A and P (and their friends, boyfriends and acquaintances) (BTW p's boyfriend became a friend of mine I'm pretty sure? we get along very well), and going to Hendaye to see L and the people who go to the south during the vacation only and meet up at the bar she works at. They're very fun and kind people, I still introduce myself with a feminine name instead of the more masculine one I chose for myself when I'm with them. Also going there so often is very convenient, since it's near Spain and cigarettes are cheaper there. I also just love spending time with L. I know she has some red flags and most of my friends cut ties with her, but I feel loved and respected in our friendship. Also made a friend there, hilarious adorable guy, and we kissed. I really don't see myself being in a romantic relationship with him, but we get along so so well as friends I'm very glad I met him and I hope we get to see each other again a lot (he lives pretty far away </3). With them I went to a nightclub for the first time, in Spain, and it was very cool ! I also go out a lot during the day with my mom and sister, and visiting family. Our relationship really healed, I'll tell you more about it another time. And yeah this is all very fun. I'm having a great summer.

When I last wrote to you my screen time was between 10 and 15 hours a day which is... insane. It's a common experience for people to try escaping the crushing emptiness they feel, or their worries or the fact they hate themselves, by wasting their days away, I know I'm not the only one that used to do that. When I don't feel right, I like to sleep as much as possible. This way I also eat as little as possible and my brain is too weak to make me feel pain. Then when I'm awake, I spend every second possible online, that way time flies extremely fast and I don't have to actually fully experience the day. I don't actually have to be alive. This is obviously bullshit and does no good, doesn't bring me any sense of relief whatsoever, idk why I keep having this behaviour.

More than being lonely, I think restricting my food intake started my last "bad phase" (idk how to word it). I mean it's biological, brain can't produce happy hormones without proper eating. I don't remember what triggered me so bad for me to seriously try to restrict again, all I know is I didn't lose a significant amount of weight so once again I harm myself for nothing.

Speaking of harm, the scars on my arms are starting to bother me... Or more like they've been bothering me since the beginning of summer. Idk I wish they weren't there or weren't as visible. I used to be secretly proud I cut deep enough for it to scar badly, but now I'm just uncomfortable when wearing a t-shirt. I guess I assume people are judging me, and I don't want to wear the history of my struggles on my body anymore. I know people that matter, people I actually want to interact with don't give a shit. Actually people almost never mention it and I rarely get weird looks, but like I know they saw it and it makes me uncomfortable.

I drink way more than usual but it's okay, I'm in control. I guess I have so many friends that have or had a problem with their alcohol consumption that now I'm very weary of mine. Maybe having had to deal with people I love having blackouts, telling me about wanting to end it, not being able to walk on their own very regularly when I was 15/16 made me very aware of my habits and keeping them healthy now.

That was my little life update !! I don't do them as often as I used to, and I think it's too bad because I love going back to them. Actually, I don't like big chunks of my life not being documented here, I don't like realising I haven't written a letter in three months. I missed chatting with you a lot!

PS: I haven't seen E in so long, she's been away ever since the end of June, and I miss her so so much

XOXO (kisses hugs, picture frame designer drugs) (it's a song... anyways), Cherry

[jax-attack-fitspo]

Dec 4, 2022

I have been on a weight loss journey for some time now. It mostly started in college, when I didn’t really have good eating habits or good healthy recipes to make because I just didn’t know any better. I had been skinny my whole life and I never had to think about what I was eating. 

I am reshaping what it means for me to feel comfortable in my body though. Skinny does not equal healthy, and in fact for most of my high school years I had what I would consider an undiagnosed eating disorder. I was over-exercizing with swim team and under eating, resulting in poorer and poorer performance in my sport and school. I always thought I could eat whatever I wanted and stay the same size, but after I stopped swimming I did notice a significant change in my weight.

In the year before grad school, I had taken a year off and made it my goal to shed the weight, and I did! But lots of things are different now. I used to work at a job where I was constantly walking, I couldn’t eat out of boredom because I would only have the food I had packed with me, I didn’t have deadlines and stress related to work, and I also didn’t have a lot of friends I hung out with, as they all went off in separate directions with their lives while I took time off from school. It was much easier going day to day, counting calories, making the same foods, and spending time on my own without the social presence of alcohol. 

Now that I mostly work at a desk and often from home (where the snackies are), I am finding it harder and harder to lose weight. And in fact, I am gaining. This mostly has to do with my drinking habits, which are very social. But as a 28 year old person, I am still drinking like I was in college (actually more) and I can tell I am on the verge of having a problem. The amount, the reasoning behind wanting to drink more, the inability to stop at a moderate amount. I guess it is starting to bug me when people ask me what my hobbies are, and my answer is hanging out with friends and drinking. Drinking really isn’s a hobby, and I would like to get back to my roots and find things I enjoy again. I need a more wholesome outlook. 

One goal I have is to lose a certain amount of body fat (mostly so I can fit in my jeans, my muscles have gotten significantly larger than they were and cutting down might help?) but also I have a goal to stop drinking. I think these go hand in hand ofc. Right now I work out 5 days a week doing weights, sometimes running on the treadmill. I find working out helps me sleep better and focus better during the workday.

So I guess this is a blog for restarting my weight loss goals and general thoughts. I am trying to avoid using this to complain when I have a bad/cheat day, and mostly just celebrate when things go right. The mindset is super important. My main goals are to maintain muscle while being able to cut down body fat. Not drinking should help. We will see how this goes. 

[ms-demeanor]

Actually I do think that it's super important to talk about the fact that cutting 500 calories a day for a 1lb a week weight loss is considered "slow" or "moderate" weight loss.

*IF* you can sustain that for a year that is a 52 pound loss in a year, which is pretty fucking fast, actually, but people act like you're a hopeless defeatist if you start talking about weight loss in terms of 1 pound a month because people want *results* but if you're talking about being able to sustain weight loss (which some people just straight up cannot for a variety of reasons and is not reasonable to *expect* everybody to be able to do) then it's kind of fucking bonkers that doctors and the American heart association and diabetes infographics and whatever talk about doing the kinds of diets that typically only last 3-6 months (12-26 pounds at a pound a week) and expect people to maintain those losses.

When you talk to doctors it is extremely reasonable to say "okay, and how, specifically, should I do that?" when they say to lose twenty pounds, but what is ALSO a very reasonable question that I never see brought up is "okay, by when?" and if they say "within the next year" it's also perfectly reasonable to say "why does it have to be in that time period?" Because if we're talking about the benefits of a 5% weight loss for reducing the weight-associated risks of heart disease or diabetes, then losing that weight over five years instead of over six months should be as effective, and is much more likely to be a lasting change instead of something that kicks off a bunch of weight cycling (which has its own terrible side effects that are bad for you).

There are some people for whom, for a number of reasons, it is impossible or near impossible to lose weight in the long term. It is possible for most people to lose weight in the short term, with a significant amount of effort. Maintaining long-term weight loss is exceptionally difficult and it seems like it's not feasible for large numbers of people, and I can't help but wonder if that's because what we're considering 'long term' really isn't long term at all.

If you've spent time around people trying to put on muscle you'll see something that I think is actually a more reasonable approach to long-term body changes, and that is recognition of the fact that you can only put on a (relatively) tiny amount of muscle in a year. For most people who have been training for any length of time, it's between 5-7 pounds and it gets harder to put on more the longer you've trained. Lifters and bodybuilders who recognize this and still want to put on muscle understand that they are in for an extremely long-term project that they have to intentionally maintain and put a lot of effort toward.

I want you to think about anyone you know who is a serious gym rat. I want you to think about how many hours a week they spend in the gym, and what they're giving up in exchange for that time. I want you to think about how much they spend on equipment and gym memberships and protein powder and first aid and very specific foods. If you know someone who's a very serious gym rat, you probably think they're a little unreasonable, that that's too much effort to put into looking good in a tank top.

But that's pretty analogous to the kind of effort, planning, and expense that needs to be put into maintaining a long term weight loss. And that effort needs to be put in forever - no matter if you're having kids or your partner is hospitalized or if your financial situation changes or if you are permanently injured, just like a bodybuilder can't expect to keep their gains if they're suddenly spending ten hours a week at the hospital instead of the gym.

I mean, people talk about weight loss and they get angry when you bring up the statistical failure of things like Weight Watchers or if you discuss how destructive dieting can be and they go "so, what, are you saying it's impossible to lose weight?" And the answer is, no, not for everyone.

It is possible for most people to lose weight. Just like it's possible for most people to become competitive bodybuilders. But we frame "mid-30s mother with two kids and a long commute and a full time job needs to lose 10 pounds and keep if off" as a task with a difficulty curve similar to learning how to cook a few crockpot meals, not similar to becoming a competitive bodybuilder.

[gar-trek]

please share what you have to say about food cubes!!

I was feeling a little apprehensive about releasing the TOS Food Document™ because it is so damn long…. But since you asked anon

DISCLAIMER:

This is focused solely on food as it appears in the original series. Whatever explanation of food synthesizer/replicator that may come in later series does to apply here. I am also not a Star Trek expert. I’m sure there is some super fan out there who knows everything there is to know about food in TOS, but that person is not me. This is just my thoughts as I’ve observed instances where food is shown or mentioned in TOS. If my thought process is flawed, or I make some claims that don’t really make sense, I am sorry. The food canon is very complicated and vague, so this is me just trying my best to make sense of it. I’d also like to mention I did not explicitly cover the meal scene in What Are Little Girls Made Of? Or the ice cream scene from And The Children Shall Lead, but I do make reference to them. I’m sure there are other food scenes I didn’t get to cover here, so if I’m missing a few pieces, I’m sorry.

Anyway… let’s get into it!

The original series, food, and other things that keep me up at night

I don’t care about continuity or plot holes in Star Trek: The Original Series, and if I did, I think the show would become rather unwatchable. It’s not about what happens to get us from plot point A to B, but more important that we do get there (ie, who cares how or why Spock’s brain has been removed from his body, it’s more important that we do get it back inside).

This being said, there is one aspect to TOS that baffles me to no end, and its something I just cannot overlook: the food. Food, the entire concept of it as it appears in TOS haunts me. Each time they show or mention food it makes less and less sense. It’s a never-ending nightmare and I spend every day trying to understand what goes on in the Enterprise Cafeteria. Today I would like to explore a couple food instances on TOS, and hopefully make a little sense of what is happening.

The first chilling incident: The Man Trap (S1E2) - Rand is a thief

In this episode, we see Yeoman Rand on her way to deliver Sulu his meal. She is carrying a tray of colored food cubes (which is what I will be referring to them as here, because there is no official name) and what we can assume to be some kind of alien variant of celery (earth celery with some red crap stuck on top). While waiting for the turbo lift, Rand eats one of the celery sticks intended for Sulu. My question is why. Like literally why does this happen. Sulu never mentions it (maybe he doesn’t notice). She never mentions it to him, which means we can assume she doesn’t want him to know. So why is Rand stealing food? Does she not get enough to eat? Is the limits for how much you get to eat on the Enterprise that strict you need to turn to thievery to get a proper meal? and if that the case, she’s shorting Sulu on his allotted food. In this same scene, we see Ensign Green (who is really a salt-sucking monster) make a grab for the tray as if he too is going to steal Sulu’d food. However, Rand slaps his hand away and asks “who do you think you are?”, a hypocritical statement considering Rand is also in the act of stealing food. So Rand, I must pose the same question to you. This scene has no resolution, so any interpretation is up to the viewer. Whether you think Rand's actions make her a girlboss or a thief, is up to you, however, one thing is undeniably true: Rand eats food off other people's plates.

Other food-related things of note in this episode is that Sulu sprinkles salt on the celery sticks. This means they are either bland or that's just his personal taste. Also, when Rand gives him his tray, he says “may the great bird of the galaxy bless your planet” and this has nothing really to do with food, I just thought it was kind of badass.

(Sulu’s food tray with 3 celery instead of 4 because Rand ate one)  

Incident two: Charlie X (S1E3) - synthetic meatloaf

In Charlie X, we see Captain Kirk make this comment in passing:

“Today on earth it is Thanksgiving, if the crew has to eat synthetic meatloaf I want it to look like turkey.”

This statement leaves us with a couple undeniable truths:

1. Meatloaf is a meal option on the Enterprise.

2. It is synthetic, meaning the meatloaf may not contain any meat at all.

3. It is not shaped like turkey, but it is possible to do so.

if the meatloaf served on the Enterprise is synthetic, then it very well could be made out of the same stuff the colored food cubes are made out of. Also, (and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt) since we never hear anyone refer to the colored food cubes by name, they could literally be the “synthetic meatloaf” that Kirk is referring to here. In this case, the term synthetic meatloaf would not mean a synthetic version of the popular American dish meatloaf but instead loafs of synthetic meat. Since we do not know exactly what synthetic meat looks like, it very well could be brightly colored cubes.

In either case, Kirk is asking them to turn synthetic food from one shape to another. We understand this is possible through the food synthesizer, however, if all the food they eat on the Enterprise is synthetic anyway, then why did Kirk specifically mention synthetic meatloaf in the shape of turkey? would the turkey not instead be made out of synthetic turkey? why must the synthetic turkey be made specifically out of meatloaf? isn’t every single food that comes out of the food synthesizer made out of the same thing? It would have made more sense for Kirk to say “it's thanksgiving so can you made the food synthesizers produce turnkey?”. However, Kirk is like, a really cool guy, so it is possible that the meatloaf comment is just a fun joke. Either way, we know that synthetic meatloaf is a standard menu item on the enterprise, yet we have never seen anyone consume it.

Incident 3: The Corbomite Maneuver (S1E11) - Green leaves

In this episode, Kirk goes in for a physical, and Doctor McCoy reports that the captain is 2 pounds overweight. In response to this, the Doctor changes the captain's dietary card to help him lose a little wight (🙄). We later see the captain served a “dietary salad” in place of his usual meals. The existence of dietary salad is interesting for many reasons. Most importantly, we understand that dietary salad is somehow better for you than what is usually served on the Enterprise. It most likely has a lower caloric intake than say, colored food cubes. However, as discussed before, most if not all the food on the Enterprise is synthetic. If the food is created, and not naturally made, then one can assume its caloric value can be controlled. Would it not be possible to make a lower-calorie version of colored food cubes? one would assume that the cubes are made to have the perfect amount of nutrients to satisfy yet keep humans a healthy weight if they are in fact a form of synthetic man-made food. How would the captain overeat, if portions are pre-determined by dietary cards? Is Kirk somehow going rouge and consuming food that is not created by the food synthesizer (the captain's secret cookie stockpile??).

The existence of this salad also begs another question: is it synthetic as well, or are they growing fresh salad on the Enterprise? We do know that they are able to grow things on the ship, however, there has never been any discussion of growing crops specifically for consumption. If this is the case though, it may explain why we often see crew members eating celery sticks. Perhaps things like celery sticks and dietary salads are grown on the Enterprise, but all other food is synthetically created. In which case, who’s job is it to harvest food and prepare it for meals? Did Rand have to put that dietary salad together all on her own?

One more interesting point about the Salad: When Kirk first receives it, he asks

“what in the devil is this? Green leaves?”

which prompts Rand to explain that it’s a salad. It is very possible that Kirk genuinely has no idea what a salad is. He may have never had one, nor heard of the food in his entire life. Later we see him eat the salad with his hands, which further proves the point that captain kirk doesn't know what salad is. Why captain Kirk would somehow have no knowledge of salad is up to speculation.

Incident 4: The conscience of the king (S1E14) - Cry over spilled milk 

In this episode, Lieutenant Riley is served colored food cubes and a glass of what appears to be milk. There isn’t much of significance here, other than the fact we know it is possible to get a glass of milk with your meal on the Enterprise. Unlike Sulu, Riley doesn’t have any celery sticks but seems to have a larger serving of colored food cubes as compensation. We also learn that milk is served in a large glass, something that seems very impractical on a starship.

Riley proves my point moments later when he spills milk on a control panel and shatters the glass. This begs the question, who is going to clean that up?

Incident 5: Tomorrow is Yesterday (S1E20) - Chicken noodle soup

In this episode, the Enterprise accidentally beams a 60′s army man abroad their ship (for the second time). This random chad ensign asks the man if he’s hungry because he’s a troll I guess and he wanted to flex their cool future food machine. The army captain guy is like sure, I could go for some chicken soup right now (a very natural response to being beamed onto a spaceship for the first time). Chad ensign has like three cards in front of him, and I guess one of them just happens to be chicken soup because he puts it in the machine and the soup appears. Grant it, we never actually get to see the soup with out own eyes, but the army captain does seem to be pretty convinced that it is chicken soup just by the smell. This opens up a couple possibilities:

-The food synthesizer can make almost anything you want, and the card is maybe like a very broad category, like a dinner card, and when you put it in you can pick any dinner food you’d like.

or

-The food synthesizer can only make what is specific to each card, and the ensign just got extremely lucky and happened to have a card that was the exact food the army captain wanted.

More evidence, which we will go over later, points more towards the theory that one card is equal to one specific type of food. In this case, it is unclear how the synthesizer food cards are distributed, or how you get your pick of what food you would like. It is also more likely that options would be limited. This does make sense, however, it makes this scene very confusing, as, as I’ve pointed out, the ensign had a very limited number of cards, but exactly what the captain had asked for. Pure luck? what mind game was that Chad ensign trying to play with the poor man who was abducted from earth... we will never know.

One more very interesting thing is established here: The transporter room has a food synthesizer. Why this is is purely up to speculation. In my mind, having a food synthesizer in the transporter room would be like having a full kitchen where you park your car. Seems pretty useless, but maybe the guys in the transporter room requested easy access to snacks? Why the transporter room would get this special privilege is again, up to speculation.

Incident 6: Space Seed (S1E23) - Dinner with Khan

In Space Seed a special dinner is put together to welcome Khan onto the Enterprise. We see that they are being served colored food cubes and celery sticks. Doctor McCoy walks into the dining room and comments about how the display is “very impressive”. However, this seems like a very unusual comment considering we are shown the only food we have ever seen consumed on the Enterprise. What exactly makes this food “impressive” as compared to other celery sticks and colored food cubes? Is there some way to tell this particular food is better that we don’t know about, but is obvious to everyone on the Enterprise?

There is also a chance that Doctor McCoy is just very easily impressed with food, and upon seeing any food spread he is likely to comment in wonder. Note the way Scotty is looking at McCoy. His face is a mixture of confusion, judgment, and pity. Perhaps Scotty is thinking to himself “bruh, it’s literally just colored food cubes chill out man,”. There is no explanation as to why Scotty is giving McCoy such a look, so this very well could be the case. Even though it is a silly explanation, I don’t think it should be ruled out that one of McCoy’s personality traits is being overly excited about food of any kind.  

Incident 7: Journey to Babel (S2E10) Party food

Much like in Space Seed, in this episode, we get to see a meal put together for a special occasion. All the diplomates are getting down at a mixer where a spread of food has been provided. These snacks seem very similar to colored food cubes, however I do think they differ. They may be the same type of food, but different in some way. In which case colored food cubes is an overarching category of food, and here we see two different types. The smaller more brightly colored cubes can be put in drinks, though if this is what you are supposed to do with them, or just the preference of that one alien species I do not know. Though I must point out, we have seen colored food cubes served in brown sauce in What are Little Girls Made Of? (S1E8) so it is not completely unheard of to have your colored food cubes served soggy.

The other type of colored food cubes we see are a lot larger and more pair shaped (in reality, they probably were just skinned pairs dipped in food coloring, but for this essay, it’s important that we completely ignore the fact there is another life outside of Star Trek). Now to me, these are very interesting, because the dull color and apparent texture are a lit more similar to standard colored food cubes we have seen thus far. I would even go o far to say that this is the same exact food, just sans the cubed shape. So really, standard colored food cubes are just the cubed version of whatever this food is. This, again, is just speculation, but it does point us to the fact that colored food cubes are not naturally cubed (I’m going somewhere with this is promise)

Incident 8: The Trouble With Tribbles (S2E15) The trouble with Chicken sandwichs

Here we see Kirk attempting to order a chicken sandwich and coffee. What he gets instead is a plate full of tribbles,  hilarity ensues. I think this scene is interesting because we can add to our list of food items that are on the menu at the enterprise cafeteria: chicken sandwich. However, this is another food item we do not see. There is no way of knowing if the Enterprise's version of a chicken sandwich is what we would imagine a chicken sandwich to be. Much like the meatloaf and the soup, because we do not see it, there is no way of knowing if the food exists in the way that we as 21st-century people understand it. The events of TOS take place more than 200 years in our future, so to speculate that food could change a lot during that time isn’t a stretch. I don’t know, just some food for thought (lol)

Incident 9: By Any Other Name (S2E22) Living deliciously

In this episode, an alien taking the form of a human enjoys some colored food cubes. He makes a comment about how they are good they are while enthusiastically eating his food. This is a very important moment because it tells us that colored food cubes do taste good. In fact, they taste really good. Just before he eats, the alien comments on how humans could just take pills that give them all their nutrient needs and give up food completely (think the Jetsons cartoon). On the Enterprise, they do not eat just to live, but because they enjoy their food as well. This tells us that colored food cubes are at the very least, worth eating, and at the best, very delicious.

One more interesting thing: Spock is eating some kind of soup while everyone else enjoys colored food cubes. This could be a Vulcan preference, however, we know that Spock is vegetarian. This could be alluding to the fact that Colored Food Cubes are made out of meat.

Conclusion:

Yes, I asked a lot more questions than I answered. There are some things that make absolutely no sense to me, primarily, the food synthesizer and diet cards. Some evidence points to the fact that the food synthesizer can make practically anything (see Tomorrow is Yesterday, And the Children Shall Lead). However, one dietary card is equal to one specific food, which would mean they would have to produce a lot of these dietary cards if there is many meal options. How these cards are distributed, and what their limitations are, we do not know. And although we do not know the limits of what the food synthesizer can create, we do know these food have been served on the enterprise at least at one point:

-colored food cubes (variety)

-celery

-synthetic meatloaf

-synthetic turkey (Thanksgiving Special)

-Dietary Salad

-Milk

-Chicken Soup

-Chicken Sandwich

-Mystery Soup

-Ice cream (variety of flavors)

All of this food (except for maybe the dietary salad and celery) are synoptically created, so what they are actually made up of, I cannot say.

And finally, I would like to make a point about the colored food cubes. I think upon first inspection one would assume colored food cubes is a dish created specifically for space travel (think the food created for modern-day astronauts to consume in space). However, we learned that there is possibly a variety of colored food cube dishes. Since there is such a wide variety of food on the Enterprise, why would they also need to create a food specifically for space travel? I think that colored food cubes are actually a common dish, not intended specifically for space travel. Perhaps it was an alien food that got popular on earth, maybe it was a dish developed later in Earth's history by humans. I can only speculate, but I do think it is more than just boring space food. Everyone seems to have a preference for it, so I think it’s a dish you can eat over and over again and not get sick of. What colored food cubes taste like is completely up to speculation, but I would assume they are a savory food, considering we often see people enjoying them for their main meal.

I still have more to say, but for the sake of everyone, I’ll end it there. This was a lot of thought dumping, so if some of the things I said made no sense at all, I’m sorry. I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on TOS food! please share with me what you think colored food cubes would taste like :)

[enjeolmii]

coffee - s.jy

genre: mostly angst, a little fluff towards the end

word count: 1.7k

warnings: overdose on caffeine, passing out, i think that’s all :))

"Y/n, you should stop drinking coffee. You have to watch out for yourself, too," Jake says slowly, sitting his hand on your shoulder with the other one on the heavy cup you are holding. "Four is enough."

Your eyes shift to his expression, one that conveyed clear emotions of concern. This was supposed to be your fifth cup of the day.

Studying for the exams has never been so stressful. The amount of pressure dangling on your shoulders is much unbearable than how you expected it to be. Having parents who never supported your dream certainly took a toll on you, and living with a flawless sister all your life was never any help for your self-esteem. Being the low-grade sister between you two gave you comparisons aplenty. Everywhere you look, no matter where you go, you always find taunts and mockery preying on you. All your life, you got discredited by most of your relatives in light of your sister.

And you want to prove them wrong.

Getting higher grades is what it is. All she's ever good at is cheating off of her friends' answer sheets. It's a secret she threatened you to keep. Ever since she saw you and Jake hanging out alone in the swimming room, a picture she'd taken is all it would take for your parents to wash their hands of you.

And then, there's also getting the favor of all your family. She's prettier, sweeter, hard-working, and smarter. Everyone is biased on her nonexistent efforts, yet you - who has tried everything she can do to show her utmost best to be acknowledged by the people around her - were forsaken and left overlooked.

But it wasn't until Jake happened.

Only he saw the struggles you faced and outweighed. He conceded how far down the road you'd made it yourself and never forgot to make you feel worthy of his praises. He is the only one who understood the motive behind your desperation, and he is the only one who supported your dream.

So you wanted to make him proud. This exam will serve as the last movement to get into the performing arts school you long sought to join. To lose this opportunity means losing all you endear, and you wouldn't be sure how well you will hold up if you let this chance slip away.

That is all you can say for five cups of coffee.

"As much as I would love to stop, I'm not yet done studying. I need to ace this test." You peel his grip off of your cup, squeezing it as you offer a hesitant smile of reassurance, and he lets out a sigh.

"You aced all your activities and went home bringing the highest grades in your class," His palms find purchase on your shoulders. "You are doing so well now. Why do you put so much pressure on yourself?" A short silence follows your sigh.

"Jake, I have only been compared to my sister all my life. This is the only time I can prove them wrong. I want to feel incomparable, too. I want them to know that I am not a punching bag that they can just play around with," You clarify through clenched teeth, a recollection of all the memories flashing past your eyes. "You know that better than anyone."

Your boyfriend couldn't help but feel bad for you. He understood. All those times you leaned on him when you felt like giving up, every moment you called him and texted him asking for motivation, he knows how much you went through, and it casts him down that you never acknowledged how much progress and improvement you have shown.

You became more assertive and bolder, and he is happy that you are finally standing up for yourself. However, he couldn't learn to accept seeing you lose long hours of sleep over studying. For days, you ran on caffeine to help you stay awake and scan through your textbooks as long as you were satisfied. You pushed yourself to the limits, bypassing the pleasure of taking a rest and instead etching all significant terms on the topic of your exam in your mind. You disregarded the accomplishments you made for yourself and went on thinking that you never achieved enough to get a compliment from your loved ones, which is what Jake could not understand.

"Yes, I know that. But drinking more coffee isn't going to help you, is it?" He signifies, and you let a dry laugh through your nose.

"Give me one reason caffeine doesn't help." You smirk at him. Sure, your method is trash, and everything about it is not entirely definitive. But, can you really do anything about it? No, well, not that you know of. Your sister is studying in the same field, and it is only a matter of skill to win against her. If you gain a point or two higher, it is more than enough to crush her pride and bring yours up. The hidden thirst you have for acceptance is slowly showing, and you all but feel determined to see how far you can take it to get the better of her.

"Too much of it doesn't bring you to the top. It brings you to a hospital bed."

Your smile vanishes at his answer. What he said is true, but to hear an accurate response to your insincere quest only irritates you. You set the mug down on the countertop before crossing your arms, feeling the weight of his hands on your shoulders disappear, and you poke your tongue to the side of your cheek. "So what do you want me to do?" You assert, voice laced with irritation and disinterest.

"Take a break. Continue studying when your mind's not exhausted."

"My mind is not exhausted."

"Babe, you've been in front of your books since early sunrise. It's already two in the morning." He protests, and you look at him with a tinge of bitterness.

He shoots you worried gazes as his hands travel to yours, squeezing and swaying them side to side, and you sigh. "I don't care what time it is. I can take a rest tomorrow after the exam." You retract his grip from yours, taking the coffee cup back in your hands before stepping back into your room. "I need to study."

"Y/n... Please!" Jake follows close behind you, continuously begging. Suddenly, your head becomes heavy. Pain strikes your upper nape every time he calls for your name, ears abruptly ringing at the volume he whines. Black spots appear in your vision, along with the feeling of getting lightheaded. Your eyes shut tight in discomfort. As though your head will fall off the moment you move it around, you lose all senses, the sound of him calling you blurring away.

One moment, you groan with a hand rubbing slow circles at your temple. And another moment, the shattering sound of your mug against the floor reaches your ears, legs giving out as you feel your boyfriend's arms supporting your fall.

Panic replaces the distress in Jake's expression. Frantically, he lightly shakes your body in an attempt to wake you up, and when all taps and raps decline, he locks his arms around your arms and knees, hastily lifting you towards your bedroom.

Through the piles of answer sheets sprawled on the floor, he tiptoes his way to gently lay you on your bed, snatching the pillows under your head to pile them beneath your feet.

A heavier sigh escapes. He moves to sit by your side against the headboard, looking down at your vulnerable form as he sweeps strands of hair away from your face.

"You're so stubborn, you know that?" He utters through whispers. "You just never learn to give up, even when you know it's going to be hard on you."

Running his fingers gently through your hair, he frowns. He admires it of you - how you always manage to get what you want.

It's how he fell in love with you. It's how you caught his heart. The confidence that inclined his interest when you represented the class's agitated thoughts towards your unqualified professor, not a single fear of the consequences ahead.

Then, having made known that you were never able to use that confidence in front of your family hit a soft spot in his heart. So he wanted to help you get the recognition you desired, stayed with you in your highest and lowest, up until now.

"Why can't you see the significance behind everything you have outdone? You've fulfilled enough to show your family that you are incomparable, yet you're never satisfied with yourself," The air grows silent. "I guess you want to hear it directly from them. Is that how you're going to be? Thinking of yourself the way others think of you... Do you know why I love you? Because you are a kind, persevering, and confident person. I didn't love you because you are smarter than your sister. Hearing confirmation from others isn't everything, love, there are still other people who think you are flawless."

A few more minutes of stroking your head and one good look at your subtle breathing are all it takes for Jake to get up from the bed before bitterly watching the spilled coffee wither onto the corridor floor across the open door. "Now, look at the mess I'll have to clean," He stressfully stretches his neck, eyes closed. Just as he takes a step away to tidy up the mess, a hand reaches to grab his arm.

"I'm sorry," You mumble, eyes still closed. "I was getting too competitive I didn't realize you were here for me. I didn't mean to get mad at you," You tug at him. "Stay here, I'll clean that later when we wake up. For now, let's go to sleep." You make space for him on your bed, a small smile pulling at his lips as he gladly lays down beside you, setting his arm under your head while you wrap an arm around his body. "Thank you, love."

Jake looks at you, smile growing wider before placing a long kiss on your forehead. "I'll always love you no matter what."

You mirror his expression, snuggling closer to him as you say, "I love you, too."

a/n: i saw that there are lots of you who are preparing for exams right now... if you are one of them, then thank you for reading this and procrastinating a lil bit :D i wish you all the best!! drink your water and stay healthy always!!! 💖🥰

[ann-i-inthestars]

Mar'eyir Aliit-Chapter One

Summary:

Echo refuses to leave Crosshair behind. He has lost far too many people dear to him, and he will not be losing another. He somehow manages to convince him to come with them and its like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. One, weight. With the last member of the Batch home where he belongs, Echo realizes that he can't stand by and continue to let thousands more of his vod'e be enslaved while he stands by and does nothing. To his surprise, Crosshair adamantly agrees. Can working together to free a significant portion of the Imperial army, and the surprising situations it brings, allow them to regain a semblance of the closeness they had once had, or had the past months stabbed a wedge between them they will never be able to overcome?

Sneak Peak:

No!” he hissed sharply. “You obviously aren't understanding, so let me spell it out for you; I have lost far, far too many people I love, and I am not losing you too.” He shook the younger man gently as his expression turned to one of disbelief. He hated that Crosshair showed any amount of doubt that he was loved, let alone the complete lack of trust shining in his eyes.

He gave a heavy sigh and said bluntly. “So, there are two ways this plays out. I stay here with you, or you get on that ship. I won’t take your free will from you and force you to come, but I also will not leave you.”

Crosshair narrowed his eyes, worry taking over the disbelief. "If the Empire finds you, they'll kill you. Or even take advantage of all that metal you’re made out of." he stated in a blunt voice. To anyone who didn’t know him, they would think he was indifferent, but to Echo and the Batch, it was clear the thought scared him.

Echo met his blunt tone with one of his own, not a flinch at all as he said, "Well, I guess you get to decide if I live or not."