#i know i said i was gonna read it sometime last year but i didnt actually

[gibbearish]

its been fun watching the hbomb subreddit try very very hard to stick to the "if anyone harasses james on my behalf they wont see the light of heaven" by imo overcorrecting to "any time anyone mentions somerton ever it's because you're obsessed with him and want to pick on him because he's the villain of the week" bc its like. yknow actually i dont think people keeping an eye on his various attempts to weasel back into the spotlight and keep doing his same old shit over the last /two months/ is the same as harassing him because it's hip and fun. i think maybe those are not the same thing

[flystill]

been returning to my roots and reading dcwt properly all the way through for the first time since starting grad school (probs since like 2018 idk) and like wow!! it is so cool to actually understand almost every piece of jargon without looking up a single thing. this is WAY more satisfying than completing my stupid bachelors degree via zoom. id love to examine how much this fic impacted my study decisions over the years but also i feel too biased as an inside observer. i hope cleanwhiteroom knows they are (at least 40% of) the reason at least one person attended science grad school.

[itsalwaysdark]

read asoue to weeman as a bedtime story he liked it YAYYYY

[phagodyke]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #10: MY DARLING, MY COMPANION

(also on spotify!)

It's the Constant Companions Closeups! A series of in-depth dives into the songs off of my latest album, Constant Companions! Last time, we talked about gender with Object of Affection! Today, we've made it to the title track (kinda?)! My Darling, My Companion! Do you think she's figured out what she wants to hear yet

---

Every time I first embark on the process of making another album, I always think I know what the final product will look like. This is a fairly recent phenomenon, born of the part of me that thinks that planning things out and being somewhat disciplined in the act of creation will ultimately lead to a better final product. That's fair and all, but it's also genuinely never how things actually shake out, as I almost always toss that out the window and just start writing shit the first chance I get.

Constant Companions, however, is the closest I've gotten to actually following through on those initial ambitions. Well, maybe not the initial ambitions - without fail, every time I finish an album, there's a two week period where I start writing new material thinking "this next album's gonna be the MOODY one" and it's never the moody one - but rather the plan I developed once my pile of works-in-progress started looking album-shaped.

There's always been some amount of self-referential leitmotif-loving song-series energy in what I've written - Imaginary, Effervescent and Secret Girlfriend; sampling myself on Too Much Autotune or Second Hello; that little four note motif. I had been leaning even further into it with People Posture Play Pretend and 🤼‍♀️, bringing the little interconnected background radiation straight to the forefront, and I wanted to keep going.

So, I would take that mindset and write about motifs - the things that have stuck with me and gotten me to where I am - the hopes that I've clung to, the dreams I want to make real, the patterns that I keep finding myself in. The things that haunt me and the things that keep me living.

...

My constant companions, if you will.

wait didn't i already do that bit. what was i talking about when i did that

This might be incredibly obvious if you've already read the Closeup for Breeze Blows, but yes, this is another song about being plural.

Like I said previously, writing these self-directed songs portraying internal conversations has been a very big part of finding peace within myself. Having to confront a part of myself both alien and overly familiar with seemingly a mind of her own is, understandably, scary as shit in countless ways! If nothing else, it feels like sometimes I can't even talk about it out loud without sounding completely gone.

But it's made me realize and really think about something I think most people take for granted, something that feels silly to even say out loud given how obvious it is but that has completely changed my relationship with myself - you are always a part of your own life.

The overwhelming, ceaseless negative self-talk I lived with for however many years never went away because it was a part of me, and no amount of compartmentalizing or boxing-up or repression or anything helped even in the slightest compared to the act of showing her kindness and patience, letting her be a genuine part of me, being a friend to her. Doing so revealed to me a happier, more hopeful part of myself I thought I'd lost forever.

Letting yourself be yourself, and loving yourself for who you are, is the best way to be!

or something. that feels so fucking dr seuss of me to say whatever we're corny here we will Be corny

---

The working title of this song was "Hathaway", inspired entirely by my friend Lexie messaging me one morning about a dream in which I had released a song named as such. Naming and writing songs based on dreams is maybe my most beloved bit at this point, but my girlfriend ultimately convinced me to make the title My Darling, My Companion. Mostly because she (correctly) thought it'd be cooler than just a pure title track.

The verses were written by sampling my own previous demo for a title track, turning it into a call-and-response between me and GUMI, and the chorus was lifted almost word-for-word from another demo of mine using Teto. That second demo was partially inspired by the character Morgan from the visual novel Heart of the Woods - which I mostly bring up because it's just a really good yuri VN that is near and dear to my heart. And also because my friend Teffi voices the character Tara in said VN. And also because I recorded my vocals for this song at her house. And also because the voice that says "me when I'm goated as fuck" right before the second verse is in fact Teffi in the recording booth with me. Yuri runs deep in my veins.

Speaking of which, this song, in my mind, is one dedicated to advancing my agenda of GUMI x Teto, albeit subtly and in a roundabout way.

See, GUMI has always been something of an idealized voice in my other work. The songs of mine she sings historically have always been hopeful, upbeat, expressing some sense of comfort - I Wish That I Could Fall maybe being the only exception, and even then still offering some hope in the end.

On the flipside, there's a part in verse two where my voice is swapped out for Teto for a couple lines. I couldn't really tell you what it is, since it's not in terms of timbre or range, but Kasane Teto - her Synth V voicebank especially, but really all iterations of her - is the vocal synth that feels the most like a stand-in for my own voice. And really, writing with her almost seems to bring out parts of myself that are a bit too honest.

These two juxtaposed against each other made perfect sense. It helps that they have The Color Scheme, too.

Finally, this song is basically just one big reference to my song Destiny, from back in 2018, and it even closes out with lyrics based very directly on its closing refrain. I don't have much else to say on that front - but there's another Jamie Paige song this bears some shared DNA with, and a blatant reference to it is hidden in plain sight right as the bridge transitions to the outro.

Do you know what it is?

That's the post! If you have any questions, feel free to send them my way - I'm planning on doing a big AMA style bonus post after the album's finished!!

Speaking of which, tomorrow, we'll be talking about the eleventh and final track on the album - a simple little song about a computer falling in love... :~)

[baw-sixteen]

would've could've should've - dr3

pairings: daniel ricciardo x op81 social media manager! reader

they could've been so much more

July 9, 2023

You stared at the picture in the darkness of your hotel room. You should've known. Everyone was talking about it.

Nyck has had a terrible rookie year so far. Knowing Marko, knowing Red Bull they needed more. More points, more perfection.

You couldn't say you weren't happy. You were happy. For him. You were elated.

Daniel loved racing. He had told you that before. You had felt it - every time he got into that Mclaren, every time he had done a better score than before.

He wasn't jobless. No. He could never be. Not till the day Christian Horner was still alive. You knew that.

You see the news yet?

You sat up on the bed. That empty feeling inside you shifted at the text.

The last few weeks were bad. Bad for Oscar. Bad for Mclaren.

Bad for you.

But who cared about that?

Oscar was good. He was very easy to handle. He was less trouble than Daniel.

The few people who cared about the fans' backlash had suddenly dropped to one. You were just a social media manager.

I would've stayed on my knees.

And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil

But he wasn't Daniel.

He could never be what you two were.

Yeah.

You did.

You had seen the news.

___________________________________________

"I'm sorry"

A very tired Michael stared at you.

"What's there to be sorry about, yn?"

You laughed. You actually laughed.

The fans were incredibly intelligent you'd give them that. The theories that you, Michael, Yuki and Lando had read on the internet were crazy.

All this time, both you and Michael had got a lot of backlash from the fans. All because you loved your job more than him. All because Mike wanted to share a bit about him to the fans.

And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering

Believable. But crazy.

They said you were draining him off his money. That Michael starved him. Gave him severe training. Just to make him perfect.

There was not a single bone in his body you wanted to change. For the better or for the worse. It's what made you fall in love with him.

How you wished sometimes you could just scream it at the world that he already was perfect.

If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?

His smile. His charm. His stupidity. His laugh.

That scar on his knee. Or that cut on his chin.

You loved all of him.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do when I see him."

You always had.

Years of tearing down our banners, you and I

He was tired too.

"I heard he didnt ask Pyry for training?"

"No. Says he doesn't need it. Doesn't need anyone. A lone wolf."

"Lone wolf, my ass."

A small smile graces both of your faces. No matter what he said. You knew him better.

Memories feel like weapons.

The moment you walked into the hotel your eyes caught him. Head thrown back with a laugh louder than the fans outside. Smile brighter than the Hungarian morning.

"Yn!"

All eyes fell on you as Lando waved you over from where he was sitting among the drivers in the lobby.

The world felt like it stopped as honey coloured irises met yours.

The eyes that once spoke forever to you, were cold, dark - they were trying to drown you in them, choke you with your own guilt.

You heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces as he looked away from you and turned back to where Max was sitting.

And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven

You could hear Lando saying something but you felt dizzy. Tears started to blur your eyes as that pounding in your chest grew louder and louder.

"I'll speak to you later Lando."

You forced your shaky voice to speak as your feet carried yourself to the elevator as fast as they could. But what your retreating figure could notice was the way he shivered.

Your voice still had an effect on him.

God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be.

The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind

A sob erupted from your throat the moment the elevator door closed. Hot, steaming tears rolled down your face.

The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign

As long as Daniel Ricciardo was going to be around, you would never be the same.

I regret you all the time

Oh Daniel, we could've been so much more.

Could've, Would've, Should've.

____________________________________________

author's note: hi everyone!! well here it is!! since you wanted a part 2!!

[xiii-e]

for Xie i hop u have a good day

for Lio...

i read wut you said. im gald i dint make things worse. sometimes i do that by accident

i didnt know i could hate HA anymore than i already did. i know its how hard it is for a regular person to get through there stupid bullshit program first hand, so i can only imagine how hard it is when they bake that shit into ur jeans or whatever.

HA made me a monster. they trained me and they changed me 2 be 1. i talked about what an enkidu does to u last night on another post... they filled me up with so many stims i could barely think most of the time, and they yelled at me wen i did anything other than kill for them.

im still the monster they turned me into. my BATTLERAGE never left. when i go too long without TEARING shit apart with SLAG KITTY i start to lose it. the stinging in my head starts again and it gets itchy and angry in my head. i MAUL because i have to and its a part of waht i am.

but that isnt all i am anymore. since the fuckers left me 2 die better people helped me learn to be a person again. I hav friends now and i liek exploring places and i think grils r like really really really pretty... im a whole person and im not just the part me they made.

I think Xie will always be a medic. their instinct to help people and make them stop hurting is baked in. but ive seen other parts of them too and theyre parts i really like. i think those parts will grow. specially once you manage to get them out of ther. i know you already know this, but i think itll maybe help to know that some1 else knows it 2

[ECHO.EXE RUNNING]

◂▸ Hey Sally- Xie's doing better than they were, having some quiet time in their room. They had a rough dream over their nap, head's giving them trouble, but! They're doing better now. They say hi :]

◂▸ ... yeah, you're not wrong there kiddo. Programming and conditioning can fuck with anyones head, but part of why they do these high-control Projects with us flashclones in the first place is because it's just- easier. No outside experiences to influence your subject, no family or history just... whatever you designed, floating in a tube. It's more expensive to custom-build a soldier than to just use fascimiles or vulnerable citizenship, but the payoff is the control. 'Specially if you bake in some behavioural quirks that back up what you wanna do. A predisposition toward anxiety, for instance. Uncontrolled empathy. Aggression, in some of the earlier models.

◂▸ Remove the ability to play god and fuck with someones genes directly and- yeah, stims. That horror show the Enkidu puts you through. I'm sorry they did that to you kiddo, they had no fucking right to- you already know that too but, likewise. Someone else knows that too. I don't think you're a monster, I think you're dealing the best you can with a problem you never should have been forced to deal with. They made it so the only positive association you got for years, was with violence. Course that's gonna be near impossible to kick entirely.

◂▸ ... makes me real happy to hear you talk about the parts of yourself you found after you got out, kiddo. Sounds like you understand stuff better than a lot of folk out there, and that- that probably comes from experience. You happy out there? You mention people helped you learn to be a person, after HA abandoned you in the field, mention you have friends now. That's real good to hear about. People who get it make everything managable, I think. You're a good person to know, Sally- I'm real glad you and Xie got talking. I know they're happy bout it too.

◂▸ I- I really hope I can get them out of here, one day. That's the first challenge, isn't it? Hope I can be there to see who they find within themself, once the job isn't bleeding them dry. Hope you'll be there to see it too. They'll always be the kind of person to put their own needs last, always be succeptable to that guilt they've been wired with... but I think that'll be managable. Once they've got people who don't want to see them hurt. People who can actually do something about it.

◂▸ Thanks kiddo. Just let me know if you ever wanna talk, yeah? I've got some experience helping folk deal with the quirks conditioning can leave you with. You have anything along the lines of a chewtoy? Can help with minor aggression impulses sometimes, having something to tear at.

[ Helios-8 ]

//

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[ssturniolo92]

Matt Sturniolo-Fight

pairing-matt sturniolo x reader

genre-angst

warnings-cursing, yelling

description-after a fight y/n and matt separate, but they unexpectedly reunite months later

part 2 part 3

you rarely ever fought with matt. i mean of course you bickered, but this time was an exception.

“why didn’t you tell me this?!” he asked holding up the college acceptance letter. you had been working hard for years to get into a good college and you had finally achieved it.

“because i didn’t think you would care.” you admitted.

“what?!” he asked, taken aback.

“i don’t know, matt. ever since you got big on youtube you just don’t seem to care anymore.”

“me?! i don’t care?!” he yelled. “you’re the one who never answers my calls, hardly ever comes over, and you never even come in our videos.”

“have you not seen the hate i get on there?!” you shouted. “people saying i’m not good enough and that you should move on. don’t you think that hurts?”

“what do you want me to do about it?” he yelled throwing his arms in the air.

you didn’t know how to reply so you stayed silent. matt was never like this unless he was stressed, so apart of you felt bad for fighting with him.

“i still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about school.” he said quietly.

“fuck school! i don’t care!” i yelled. (i hope you get the reference)

“what do you mean you don’t care? this is all you’ve been working for.”

“no, matt. ever since we started talking, all i’ve cared about was you. i put my heart and soul into this relationship!”

“yeah, we’ll maybe you shouldn’t have.”

you were shocked by his words, your mouth left agape. you turned on your heels and headed towards your shared room. you grabbed your car keys and the money you had been saving together and headed towards the door.

“y/n where are you-”

“save it matt, you’re right. i shouldn’t have put everything i had into you.” you said before slamming the door behind you.

7 months later…

it had been 7 months since that day. and you were doing good. as good as you could be.

“i’m doing good i’m on some new shit.”

you were headed to a date with a guy from school, you had wanted to say no. but you had decided that it would be better for you to move on.

“been saying yes instead of no.”

on your way to school a few weeks ago, you were waiting for the bus. a figure that vaguely looked like matt walked by, and you could see him out of the corner of your eye.

“i thought i saw you at the bus stop,”

to your disappointment, it was a stranger. this had happened dozens of times over the last 7 months, but you still held hope.

“i didnt though.”

after one night of sleeping without matt by your side, your insomnia came back. so instead of just sitting in silence staring at your ceiling, you decided to do something productive. you usually either went on a walk or did homework, or both.

“i hit the ground running each night.”

but now you were spending your sunday afternoon going to a movie with some guy you couldn’t even remember the name of.

“i hit the sunday matinee.”

you guessed that most of the time things just didn’t work out. and that was okay, even if it hurt.

“you know the greatest films of all time we’re never made.”

sometimes you let yourself think back to the times of before. you didn’t let it happen often, but sometimes you let yourself think of what could’ve been.

“i guess you never know, never know.”

apart of you blamed him. if he really wanted you to stay maybe he would’ve gone after you. or he could’ve at least called.

“and if you wanted me you really should’ve showed.”

and the other part of you thought that maybe this was just a life lesson or some shit like that. maybe you would learn from this in the future.

“and if you never bleed youre never gonna grow.”

it had been hard to leave him. but it had gotten easier, at least, if you never let yourself think about it.

“and it’s all right now.”

as you were walking towards the building you ran into someone.

“hey.”

read part 2 here!!!

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Some of you have probably noticed that I havent made a liveblog post in a while. Well, thats because I usually read on the bus and during my classes and then I come home and summarize my thoughts on the 2-5 chapters I read after theyve marinated in my head for a little while, but unfortunately i appear to be incapacited at the moment so I cant do that. But because its been weeks and I dont wanna forget anything and I would very much like to finish this series soon, I'll try to read at home sometimes from now on. Since my brain is still a lil mush Im gonna do what I did for my last post, which is write down what Im thinking as Im reading instead of summarizing all my thoughts retroactively, except this time I have my german copy on hand so if I want to quote something it'll be a translation

Anyway, with all that said, welcome to my twisted mind, please enjoy my thoughts on A Court of Mist and Fury Chapters 40

Chapter 40

Ive been wanting to say this for a while now but i kept forgetting, but they translated 'winnowing' as 'den Wind spalten' ['splitting the wind'] and that is objectively so much cooler, shoutout to my gal Alexandra Ernst for that

Feyre being like "ugh, its so pathetic how these human guards think they could stand a chance against even one of us" hurts me so much you guys what have they done to my girl

Once again, its apparently perfectly fine if Rhysand doesnt tell Feyre anything "because she never asked" but if Tamlin doesnt tell her anything when she never asked hes the devil

Also once again, Feyre is perfectly not-triggered at Mor wearing a scarlet dress

Idk how to explain this, but Rhysand saying that Feyre is wearing a golden crown because "she looks so good with it, how could he not give her one" is somehow the perfect encapsulation of the hollowness of her High Lady title

Oh, of course three of the queens only showed up to watch the other two talk, itd be too hard to write dialogue if they actually participated in this important conversation

hello???? Feyre referring to humans as "your kind" ??? wth is going on

"every side bears some blame" hey rhysand ive got a question for ya. which side enslaved the other again

everytime the oldest queen does anything the prose feels the need to remind me of how old and wrinkly she is and its like, i get it, shes OLD

The oldest queen is spitting so hard rn, Im not even gonna question how they heard of the night court when Feyre, who lived closest to Prythian for many years, didnt know anything aout the individual courts prior to getting there herself, Im just gonna put her whole little monologue here: "Oh? [...] The High Lord of the Night Court asks that we join him so that we can save lives together? Fight for peace? And what about the lives that you have taken during your long, despicable existance? What about the High Lord who shrouds himself in darkness and destroys the mind of those who stand in his way? [...] We have heard of you on the continent, Rhysand. We have heard of what the Court of Night is capable of, what you do to your enemies. Peace? I wouldn't have thought that you - a man who enslaves the minds of others and kills them out of pure enjoyment - even know that word."

Anyway, she was spitting absolute bars and Feyre gets super mad about it and almost commits arson but manages to reign herself in and its like girlie, why are you so upset? one of the first things we find out about the night court in this book is that they apparently indiscriminately kill (or atleast torture) anyone who crosses the night court border without permission like theyre the fucking us government, i think the bad reputation is justified

Forgive me if I sound callous, but I have absolutely no sympathy for Rhysand flinching at the mention of Amarantha when Feyre didnt even use her name and is also talking about how she fucking DIED AT HER HANDS

God, I feel like I have something to say about every single line this post is gonna be like 10 thousand words long by the time Im done

So lets take it from the top; Feyre tries to convince the mortal queens to give them the half of the book by recounting to them how much everyone suffered under Amarantha and how she was gruesomely beaten to death and then revived, which is not a compelling argument to me, who actually witnessed all of that, much less these queens who have barely any context for anything shes saying right now

The oldest queen is like "you dont know anything about anything" which is true what the fuck does Feyre know about whats going on in the human world or even the fae world at large, and then Rhysand growls "dont you dare talk down to her!!" because shes passionate and speaking from the heart or whatever and its like, okay, shes still not good at politicking or even just basic negatioation and shes talking to a seasoned politician who old as fuck

Like, if Feyre was actually smart, she wouldve long since realized that she couldnt convince these queens to protect this little slip of land right up to prythians border and been like "okay, you dont wanna protect the land, but can you atleast organize an evacuation so you can atleast save the people" Sure, they definitely still wouldnt have agreed to that because its a sjm book and theyre written to be comically evil, but it would atleast demonstrate Feyre being a little savvy, because right now all we're getting is her being stupid and stubborn in a situation where she really cant afford that

god, im just now noticing how pissed off I am, its been bleeding into my commentary and its not gonna stop, Im sorry. wait no, if youre reading this youre probably looking for negativity, so youre welcome, actually

Anyway, Rhys also says that Feyre is a kindhearted soul looking out for people who cant defend themselves even though she definitely thought that those human guards were pathetic for wanting to defend themselves when she and the other fae were soooooo much more powerful and he definitely knows that because the mental bond is fully open during this meeting and he chastises the queens for being selfish and cowardly when its like, my brother in christ you are doing the exact same bullshit, but atleast the queens are defending a wholeass continent while hes defending one (1) city. and iirc that city ends up getting attacked and destroyed anyway so good job my guy

Theres something so oddly biblical about the story Mor is telling about Miriam, down to her name being Miriam

That island thats removed from time is such bullshit istg

Is it just me or have these bozos not actually explained what they even need the other half of the book for. theyre just like "we need to stop this war and we'd like peace between humans and fae" and its like cool, hows the book gonna help with that though

im sorry, feyre wants to punch that old woman in the face????

the chapter ends with Elain being like "I hope they burn in hell" and i get that, they just straight up said that they want to abandon a whole bunch of people (them included) to die if a war breaks out, but you cant say that the night court girlies are not also at fault for being so fucking bad at politics

[fappellmoan]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

[alinktoana]

local elderly girl sells stickers at a japanese food festival

not gonna lie, the entire experience is very emotional to me and it's been a month but moon channel's vid essay about cool japan, and the release of smt5 vengeance (lol) inspired me

tldr: i made some stickers, got real existential about it, will keep making more c: if youd like to check them out, here's a link

ive always wanted to draw, i used to say i was gonna become a painter or a fashion designer when i grew up. none of that happened, but i did go to film school. my final project was a script for an animated short highly inspired by nbc hannibal, majora's mask (i know, it was 2016, it makes sense to me lol) and a huge loss in my life from which i havent fully recovered, 10 years later.

the point is, ive always been art adjacent but i never really drew, until i got inspired by_hannibal itself_, noel fielding, kylux (LOL) and a roommate who was who was really inspired by art youtubers like frannerd and drew around the house, so i picked up a pencil and started drawing hannigram fanart bc i was so insanely in love with that show lol i remember who i was before i drew. i spent my days reading and watching tv, bc i love stories and stuff, but i was a consumer. and once i got a job after college i felt so incredibly isolated and directionless. do i have a direction now, as i work as a """"designer""" for a company that sells a mental health app? no. but like demifiend was force fed a magatama and got demon powers (LMAO BEAR WITH ME I JUST BOUGHT SMT3 HD REMASTER), i caught the art demon (like steven zapata says). and i caught it bad. i spend my day to day rushing through my work and chores and everything so i can have enough time to draw in the evening, to do whatever, and sometimes the need is so immense i cant do anything bc im not good enough, my skills are fading, im worthless, what's the meaning of all this? so i took a chance and showed my work at an arts alley on a japanese food festival i was helping organize. mind you, i was juggling that with my 9/5, promoting the event, finishing drawings from years ago. and when i got there, nobody got it. people looked at the stickers and didnt recognize the characters, and went on to buy the stickers my friends had that were more current. it was all japanese fanart. we were there with the single purpose of baiting weebs like us lol

ive always dealt with clients, im used to this. but im used to business to business, bc sigh i am a corporate girly. and im a beginner in the demon arts of arting. i felt so ashamed people were preferring other people, that i had the audacity to think i was worth anything. but i stood there, standing still with my brain boucing off my skull wanting to leave but also enjoying the experience and hoping someone, anyone would get it. and some people did. to my surprise, jack frost was my best selling sticker, lol. jack frost, from the smt franchise, a franchise im so new to but i love so dearly. im 100% a poser, ive never finished a megaten game. but… it just speaks to me. and thats where my cool japan feelings come from bc, like i said, i was selling at a japanese food festival. people my age, from the country i come from, were exposed to dragon ball and cardcaptor sakura from birth. and learning about history and the atrocities of the japanese empire is just. who can you trust. but ive aways resonated with one thing from japan, and it's the way they portray sadness in their works. it's become a ritual since last year that i will listen to smtv's ost when im on my period bc it literally brings me back to life. no one but i know how many times ive drawn goro majima and taiga saejima bc their mere existance and their sorrow resonates with me so immensily and i dont wanna see them being sad, nor do i wanna see me being sad. it's. it's really difficult to be to admit that im from brazil, bc our country sells happiness as an export but for many, many years the most popular genre is butthurt country music, and it makes sense, you know? people dont wanna admit they're sad. and i can only imagine what it's like for regular japanese people, bc we (i) get to see their big exports of bittersweetness… i dont know, maybe other people get to see that from brazil too, i dont know. the arts in brazil, or specially where i live, it's just isnt in the cards for us. but ill keep trying, you know. and i know fanart is a hack. but im trying. despite everything and everyone wanting us (me) to work for mining/metal/oil companies, make the most money, have the least health, drink all the alcohol (but call an uber), consume, reproduce and die, i. i just wanna draw tiny people, you know. it's. not that big a deal. all this to say that yes im gonna keep drawing and making stickers and, who knows, you know. these are stickers that i wont ever find near me, or that im too broke to get them from artists/official stores, so if youre like me, here's some pdfs in case you wanna print them and stick them wherever c: ty if you got this far, this is a big ramble… but it's been years in the making and despite everything im happy about it c:

[z0mbiebitchb0y]

uhhh basically info/backstory on my urban spook oc moon👍

Moon was 100% an accident. She wasnt planned nor wanted When she was born moan and brute were kinda in the middle of killing someone, so basically moon was born in a bathtub 👍 and when she was born she tiny and blue she wasent breathing or moving so.. Mona and brute just kinda said "oh well" and when the brute was gonna throw her into the trash and went outside she kinda started moving and crying so they just said fuck it snd kept her.

She not really.. Loved but she not neglect they know she exist they just dont care enough to really make sure she had what a child needed. She was (semi) fed, only took baths when they thought she needed it, her clothes/toys and basically anything is from victims who had kids..

She loves her parents despite everything, to her they arent evil or monsters. Those are her mom and dad, but her actually relationship is.. Wonky She knows to be quiet and sometimes Mona will let moon watch her paint, and with the brute...moon tries to keep her distance..

Moon actually doesnt speak/ know a lot fo english Mona only really talks when needed and the brute only really barks so.. She knows very few words and barks. moon actually doesn't really have eyelids, when she was younger she was misbehaving and was just being a.. Kid so brute was basically like "shut up or ill cut off yoru eyelids" and she didnt be quiet so.. Yea no eyelids for her

Moon doesn't know her age, All she knows was that she was born during a full moon, She doesnt really understand how to read or write, sometimes if she good they let her go to the park (of course one of them in the distance watching) Moon Was actually born on june 4th, Her age is 7-12 but she has the mindset of someone who would be 2-3 years old, Her hair is short because Mona and brute dont wanna deal with doing/fixing her hair

Despite this she is actually REALLY skinny but.. Strangely strong, the last time she was at the park this one kid took something she was playing with so.. She basically slammed his head into the floor until she was stopped, Moon she punished a lot less then you would think, she already knows if her parents are upset Hide.

Thats all i really got lol

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

A month plus ago, someone randomly slid into my dms claiming they knew me from primary school.

He finally said his name was danial K (oh boy, not another danial 😂). Funny enough, this was the last person i would think to ever try to connect with me? He was one of the popular ones back in school and i was surprised he knew me. we would sometimes see eachother in passing but we never acknowledged the other’s existence. So i was caught off guard he even recognised who i was. A little back story, him and his sister were well known in school because theyre half white in a sea of purely malay kids intrigued by the exoticness of an anomaly.

He told me he wanted to get to know me better and be friends? He was apparently very close to (probably seeing?) my bestfriend at the time so he mentioned that he knew me from her i think. Or observed? He said we looked tightknit (we fought often btw but she did give me a hamster) and he says if shes nice then i must be nice too. I dont know if hes trying to replicate what he had with my friend with me bc our conversations always somehow involved her. And i feel like one way for him to reconnect with her was through me? I lost contact with her agesss agoo, and shes off the grid. So i dont know how i felt about this whole thing.

Then as we got to chatting, the more wariness i felt about him being a douche lessened. He was notoriously known to be a player. He told me he peaked in primary and was bullied violently in secondary. He told me people made fun of him being short (i didnt know this) and name-called him saying he looked like megamind (this i knew). There were awful rumours about his sister too that she leaked her nudes (which apparently i bought in at the time and he said none of it was true). It wasnt just the name-calling, it was physical abuse too. I felt bad because of what he went through. he wasnt the type to fight back and hes super patient, which is admirable. It dispelled my initial perception of him and i really fed into the rumours. He really did peak in primary as he mentioned how much he enjoyed his time there (i hated primary). he also has broken English eventho his father's white.

so after all the conversations of good ol times in primary (of his). he started to text me every single day. he would ask me what I ate for lunch, breakfast, dinner and repeat; asked how work was and wished me good luck for work, repeat. now it was getting a little exhausting when conversations were like this. since he asked if we could be friends, and i said sure why not. but he was taking this label very seriously, like something he had to prove himself worthy of. he started calling me "bestie waina" and with every single breath. he always without fail, mentioned that I was his "bestie" and striving to become the "best bestie I ever had". He was becoming borderline obsessive about being my best friend. he refers to himself in third person;__; (ex: "danial is going to work", "danial misses my bestie waina") or "oh I love working offshore, you [sometimes he would also call me "you"]" + "i only think about 3 things when I'm away: myself, my family, and my bestie waina". he asked me once whats a green flag in a bf. so at this point i haven't expressed me being uncomfie bc I'm a ppl pleaser and an avoidant, so when he pulled that qn i was like oh this is my time to shine! so i told him "besties don't always text each other every time, only when they have something to say, they give space, and being bestfriends takes years :) " he reads my texts as soon as it was sent. no matter the time of the day, even at ungodly hours, hoping he wasnt gonna reply bc he was asleep - he still did! like girl............... but after that particular text, he opened it 16 hours after lol, and said he will tone it down. it didn't last. it took 5 days for him to resume his routine of asking me what I ate again.

it was getting out of hand because he said things like "where are you? what are you doing? i would teleport to where you are if I could" and it was just plain creepy. so I lied and I said I'm seeing someone I matched with on tinder. he replied "I support you my BFF waina" so I started to think, maybe he does only want to be friends. but then he pulls "thanks for telling me you're going out w a guy" and I was like huh?????? I didnt say it because I felt obligated but I said it so that he would back off. again, the male species fails to understand these things. But I knew it tipped him off, bc he replied over a day later. to add, he also said he wanted to save "kr8" (as in credit, yes he types like he's stuck in the early 20s) because the wifi wasnt stable so he's gonna log out and stay in touch in April (before knowing he was like this, I said yeah we could meet up :") ) so we stopped texting.

but it doesnt end thereeeeeeeeeeeee.

i told this ordeal to my cousin 2 weeks after who said I should block him. she convinced my avoidant ass by saying I don't owe him anything. I like the idea of running away from my problems, thinking it would solve itself so I did! at the time, ig didn't give me the option to "also block new accs they might create".

oh boy, two days later, he made two different ig accounts to text me...... . i knew it was him because one had a similar username as his old one. i immediately disabled my ig for 3 days bc I was so damn frightened.i only opened it back because everyone was telling me to communicate.

Both DMs from those two accs were sent at a 15 min intervals. one was a cryptic ominous "You". The other was a long text message about how he was upset and he didn't get why I did what I did (I felt bad of course, bc again I didn't say anything instead my people-pleasing ass was just going w the flow until it all became too much). then he started victimising himself, said things like he'll heal on his own, he will stay strong. he even gaslit me and said "he forgave me" lmao. he said he didn't see the point of ig anymore (the ig he used to contact me was a burner account. i was the only mutual) so he disabled all three accounts.

his final text was him giving out his phone number if i ever wanted to talk to him. so although all his accounts were disabled, i could still text these accounts from laptop (glitch). so i lied and said i had a bf (bc ya... i didn't want the blame all on me) and that this "bf" wasnt happy w me talking to other guys so i did what he told me. i told denial i was sorry repeatedly. that he deserved a meaningful friendship with someone else. because the guilt ate me alive. he's sent his phone no. before on 3 diff occasions btw. the first one, I told him I was uncomfortable w sharing. so in that final text to him, I made it clear that i was NOT gonna text him through whatsapp (that's just asking for it). i told him this already. then consumed by anger, i retorted saying that i mentioned friends give each other space, but he chose to ignore that. and also "please don't create any more new accounts to text me. it makes me feel unsafe." the end

[flugion]

Since you mentioned, seeing Kuon as a drama kid (which I was super happy about, I study theatre and loving the rep) how about some writing so romantic tension/ moments with Y/N working on a show together? (I'll leave whether they're front or back stage up to you)

Yes! Yes! I would love to write more about Kuon as a drama kid! Hope you enjoy!

Kuon and Y/N as drama students!

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It was one of Kuon's last plays he would be a part of. After all, it was his senior year

He always loved being a part of the main cast, every so often getting the main lead

He never really cared for working in the back with the props, lights, and all that other work

What he didnt know was a certain someone got the main love interest

As soon as Kuon had heard the roles were posted, he immediately went to check. The way his face seemed to light up, knowing he had gotten the main role, was priceless. His friend, Isagi, on the other hand, noticed something else. "Hey! Y/N got one of the main roles! ...Wait, isn't that the love interest?"

Kuon couldn't believe what he had just heard. Y/N!? The main love interest of the play!?

Doesn't help he's had a crush on Y/N for some time now. Ever since you guys were freshmen, to be exact.

It was easy for Isagi to notice Kuon's reaction. Red in the face, double checking to make sure what he was reading was right. All he could do was sigh.

"You've told me and Gagamaru plenty of times how you feel about them? Why not tell them before the performance?" Isagi suggested which just left Kuon with a nervous look on his face. "Im still not all that sure..yknow it's hard to read them!" Kuon said, almost annoyed or even frustrated!

Yup, you, Y/N had Kuon wrapped on your finger to point where he wasn't even sure if you liked him back

It just turns out you're better at hiding how feel this way around people.

Of course, you also decided to check the roles later that day with Raichi. Boy were you in for a teasing

Once you noticed the roles, Raichi was already laughing. He knew how you felt about Kuon, and his laughing wasn't helping at all. "Keep laughing, and I swear," you said with a huff. He wiped away a tear from laughing so hard. "Ah ha! Sorry, I can't help it. Just somehow, on being so cliche, you get the main love interest while your crush has the main role! Ah ha ha!" To say the least, Raichi couldn't help but tease you for basically the rest of the week.

Soon enough, everyone started to practice their roles. Of course, you and Kuon are the most nervous for obvious reasons.

Chigiri, who was also a part of the play, noticed this rather quickly. Sure, he was a supporting cast member, but my goodness, he's never seen either of you struggle so hard with lines

He suggested you both just learn lines in your own time as well cause of this. You both decided it was for the best, but Chigiri knew what else he was doing, a sly smirk appearing on his face knowing damn well he was gonna set you two up.

When practicing one on one, you often then not end up at Kuon's place.

To say the least, you both admire each other and your skills, but sometimes you both catch each other having a momet

Once again, you found yourself at Kuon's place, rehearsing your lines. Kuon had a bit to read, so you sat his desk chair. You listened, almost to intently. Soon enough, once Kuon was done reading, he had caught you just staring at him..of course he just laughed a bit. "Did you like it?" He asked before you could even zone back in.

To say the least, you did enjoy it! But you enjoyed just watching him more. You just couldn't wait to see him in his outfit

Of course, Kuon also admired you when you practiced your lines. You could almost catch him having a love sick look on his face.

Soon enough, the day of the play came, and neither of you had tried to make a move on the other. Which shocked your friends a bit.

As the play went onward, you both seemed to feel a flutter in your chest. Only if you knew the other felt the same.

In the end, you all took your bow and just enjoyed the fact that you all did well! But..someone had enough of you both being oblivious

Raichi huffed. "Listen! And you both better!" He yelled, walking backstage. This surprised some of the other members but Kuon and Y/N the most. "Listen to what!?" Kuon asked which made Raichi let out a long sigh. "That you both like each other! It's so obvious it hurts! Now do something about it!" Sure he was a bit aggressive with it but he was right.

Of course, after this you and Kuon both confirmed that what Raichi was saying was true.

To say the least, once you guys got back to Kuon's place, you both replayed the last part of the play, just you two. It was cliche but hey! Sometimes the cliche parts are the best ones of all!

═✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿═

Ahhh! I hope you enjoyed this! I'm loving writing about Kuon and other fluffy stuff! But apart from that, it's late and I need to get some sleep so have a good one everyone!!