#i kinda wanted to challenge myself by writing something on relatively short notice

[minhyongi]

I want to write a frostiron one shot for Halloween but I don't know which idea to follow through on soooo you decide! :D

[prose-for-hire]

Bad, evil, rotten lovers

Pairing: Spike x vampire!reader

Request: Hey there! Could you write a spike x reader thing, where they have been friends/together since being humans and both have problems to hide their giddy and fluufy relationship from the scoobys and trz to act all dark and tough?

Requested By: Anonymous

A/N: I enjoyed this request - hope you like what I’ve done with it! 

For some reason I always default to season 4, not sure what’s up with that (it’s not even my favourite season) so I challenged myself with this request! We’re set in season 2 today with an ‘evil’ spike/reader.

You were never part of his usual crowd. You had been visiting the area he lived with his mother for only a brief period, staying with a distant relative but William had become instantly smitten with you. You had both got on so beautifully and when he had been missing for a while it had really hurt you, he had been the only one you cared about there. He loved you and you had been fast falling for him, he had even suggested that he would ask permission to begin courting you. So, when he went missing there was a hole in your heart. That was, until he came back for you, tapping on your window one fateful night. And that, as they say, is history. You had been sired and luckily the qualities he loved about you hadn’t changed and you fell in love outside of society’s strict code with neither of you looking back (unless you were reminiscing of course).

That was then, but now you and Spike were walking through a graveyard in Sunnydale. You had maintained a reluctant truce with the Scoobies to get rid of Angelus, secretly you liked the strange little group of kids but you would never tell them, or Spike. Angelus was starting to annoy you and your love, he had gotten into the whole Slayer killing, which was Spike’s thing. All that seemed to calm him down from his irritation was you, he really loved you which was lucky because you matched this love. You had taken to walking aimlessly at night, to get out of the mansion and strengthen Spike’s legs after being stuck in his wheelchair in front of Angelus. Your late night walks were where you could both discuss your frustration and maybe kiss a little between the gravestones. He had draped his leather duster over your shoulders, knowing you weren’t affected by the cold but wanting you to have it.

He had paused to gaze at you softly under the moonlight, the look he had given you all those decades ago. The first time you met at a society function. He had been so earnest back then, almost shy, now he was only like that with you alone. You liked it this way – you got the best of him. You had both apparently been reminded of the same thing, as he spoke his thoughts out loud.

“I remember practicing over and over, reciting long lines of wanting before I asked…” he referred to the night he asked you to be his.

“Sweetie! Your poetry still makes me blush, and I have no circulation!” You grinned at him as he appeared to duck his head slightly and you embraced him in a hug.

“Please don’t pull away, pet… not yet” he mumbled to you, as you started to move, but your embrace was unfortunately cut short as you both heard an almost inaudible whisper.

“Poetry?” Buffy and Xander had mouthed in confusion, both looking at each other. Xander raised an eyebrow, holding up a cross as you started to walk closer to them. This has to be a trick right? You were both evil and evil doesn’t write poetry or have cute pet names… do they? Buffy got in a stance ready to fight as you both finally noticed them.

“Well, well if it isn’t Betty the vampire layer” Spike smirked as you cackled, making sure to allow your most menacing scowl for the slayer.

“You know how many Slayers Spike’s killed? Two, soon to be three isn’t that right?” You bragged as Spike nodded along.

“Currently, you’re working with us though, sweetie” Buffy mocked. You both postured, starting to speak over each other in your haste to maintain just how bad you both were. You finally stopped as the slayer raised an eyebrow and started tapping her toe as if she were bored of your very evil tales.

Eventually Buffy and the boy walked away, having set your plan out for later. You both walked on, hand-in-hand, through another graveyard. Eventually you slipped your hand from his, a sparkle in your eye as you plotted. As spike was explaining something, he didn’t notice you slip away and hide behind a gravestone waiting to see how long it would take him to notice. He only noticed when he heard a soft giggle from behind one of the gravestones and his face melted as he realised. He wouldn’t admit it, but he enjoyed your impromptu games of hide-and-seek amongst the gravestones. He started to prowl through the stones, looking for any sign of you. He softly narrated where he was going, to see if he could make you giggle and give yourself away.

“Come here… big bad’s gonna eat… you… up” he whirled around at the last word, eyes locking with yours as you squealed and he scooped you up before you could run.

“You found me!” You cheered as he pulled you by your middle and held you to him.

“I’ll always find you, pet” He said, cupping your cheek softly. It was as if he were staring into your soul, even though neither of you had one. His cold blue eyes sparkled as you stared back, a smile on your lips. You could recall it all, you wouldn’t share the rest of your un-life with anyone else.

“Sweet William, you always know the right things to say to me!” You matched his soft almost-smile as he leaned into you, your lips meeting in small, soft kisses that turned slow and sweet. Your hands ran through his bleached hair as you both smiled into the kiss, reluctantly cutting it short. He was about to carrying on walking but you grabbed his shirt sleeve, “Wait! One more kiss, for luck!” you asked enthusiastically, and he smiled, pulling you in softly once more. Willow walked over to you, but neither of you were really paying attention to her, she must have gotten separated from the others. The young girl was too trusting, having spoken to you more than once without so much as a stake for protection. A small cough interrupted your kiss, she was clearing their throat and you both jumped in surprise before slowly turning to see Willow watching you both. Spike coughed, trying to show he hadn’t just jumped and almost yelped in shock at the tiny human.

“What do you want, little red? Never heard of the things that go bump in the night?”

“Y-yeah, we’re gonna eat you up after we all get rid of Angelus” you insisted. The girls pulse barely changed and you and Spike looked at each other. Willow wasn’t convinced you both were as bad as you say you were, especially since the truce. The girl was in a fluffy pink jumper, she looked like a marshmallow and her personality appeared to match the ensemble. You and Spike looked at each other, growling at her before deciding to head back before the sun rose.

Back at the mansion, you were sat on Spike’s lap as he wheeled you both into the room. He was still keeping up the pretence that his legs weren’t working. You were sitting sideways on his lap and you looped your arms around his neck, snuggling into his chest as he stopped in the centre of the room.

“I’ve got a surprise for you!” You smiled, “Close your eyes!”

“Love-” he started, but did it anyway, for you. 

“Hold your hand out, palm up” You asked and when he closed his eyes and did it, you grabbed his hand and interlocked your fingers with his with a wide grin. He peeked and looked down at your hand and smiled, moving your entwined hands up to his lips so he could kiss the back of your hand. You giggled and he smiled that smile that was only for you.

“I’ve always liked the way your hand fits in mine, pet” You both got lost in each other’s eyes, a soft smile as your hands held onto each other. He was about to lean in and kiss your forehead when a voice startled you both.

“H-has anybody told you that you’re kinda sweet together?” A small voice interrupted from the corner. You almost jumped, you had forgotten that spike had grabbed the little witch as your tasty snack for later when the Slayer inevitably double-crossed you both. She was tied up in the corner and you had forgotten. Even spike looked a little sheepish that you had been caught being so soft together.

“We’re not sweet!”

“We are evil, nasty creatures of the night!” Spike pointed threateningly at Willow, wheeling himself towards her as you got up from his lap.

“We’re bad! Rotten to our core!” You insisted, Spike had changed into his vamp face to prove your points. She just looked away and moved further into the corner.

“You couldn’t even dream of the horrible things that we’ve done!” You shouted, frowning, your eyes flashing amber, “The terrors that we have inflicted on entire cities!”

“Y-yeah you are evil, you’re j-just sweet to each other” she corrected herself. You and Spike gazed at each other before you were snapped out of it once more.

“Quit playing with your food, the Slayer’s here!” Angelus ordered to you both from another room. You both looked at each other, shrugged and grabbed Willow along too. This was going to be interesting.

[bibliophilicwitch]

Okay this is going to be a pretty big update related to work. And it’s gonna be pretty big because I haven’t been writing my rambling posts lately because I’ve been too busy at work when I normally would’ve gotten my feelings written down. idk how many are interested in this these days, but I know I’ve had followers that found my work updates interesting.

As you may remember I worked as a supervisor at a fabric store for many years and was worked into the ground with a horrible pittance for my effort. That company folded and I worked at Target for just over a year at the front end to utilize my management skills, but I realized that I had basically learned everything I could in such retail settings and I wasn’t happy. So I left and ended up working for Shopko pharmacy... for about a year until they also folded.

So the last two years I have been working at a Kroger pharmacy. I will be blunt - I am not a fan of Kroger though the reasons why are not specific to just Kroger but are evident in most retail pharmacy chains (and corporate customer service in general).

When we started administering COVID vaccines it was... rough. It wasn’t quite as horrible as the first few months after opening the new pharmacy because now we have learned a lot and know how to do most of what we’re doing and overall our patients are not abusing us as they had early on. But we are running around 26 vaccines over the course of two hours and not processing and dispensing medications during that time so we then spend the rest of the day frantically attempting to catch up while all of our patients that had to wait until we resumed daily services flooded us at once. We were short a tech for nearly three months and she has just returned and I already noticed the difference this past week. This means that now we are not spread thin with no extra coverage but instead no longer have to pick up tons of extra hours on top of having no extra coverage to help catch up from the vaccine clinic.

A few weeks ago I stayed over five hours after my shift, two of which during closed hours, and even two techs working literally all day including after closing with the pharmacist and getting caught up on several projects wasn’t enough because by noon the next day we were already sinking. It was at that point that I determined I was done. It didn’t matter how much we tried, we couldn’t get ahead and this meant that every day it felt like we were terrible techs unable to do our jobs competently. 

I didn’t have any deadlines or programs at the library the following Monday so I decided to use my first vacation day in over a year for a three-day weekend only to be asked if I could come in Monday evening at the pharmacy because it was such a shit show. I decided not to go in because we are very limited on what we can do after 5 anyways but I felt so damn guilty about it so a few days later I started job hunting with the goal of looking for something that will use the different skillsets I have developed at the library hopefully I can find a part-time job running a local business’s social media though that isn’t very likely in the small community I live in. All I know is that I am Done with pharmacy.

Meanwhile about ten years ago I started working at the circulation desk at my local library and found I was truly passionate about libraryship as a career. I’ve wanted to work in technical services processing books full-time for years, but technology and the changes of how libraries run means this is not a likely option unless I am at a much larger library. Around five years ago I kinda fell into the program and volunteer coordinator position and while I have had to manage many challenges and work to improve myself to meet those challenges it has been a good experience. Unfortunately it is only a 20hr position and after years of telling my director I would like more hours and I could bring so much more to the position if I had those hours, she kept hesitating to explore that.

This past year my old director retired and we hired a new director. This director has experience at libraries that had dedicated positions for building and managing an online presence and reaching communities in a variety of ways, so when she heard the ideas and suggestions I made throughout the pandemic while we were offering services virtually and determining that we had a HORRIBLE online presence it became an interest to her to possibly utilize my skillset to build that online presence. She tasked me with working on social media plans only to realize I was overburdened with programming at 20 hours and unable to put time into social media so she stepped that back.

The need to build our online presence hasn’t gone away though as Youth Services posts all their virtual programs via Facebook Live and has been sharing many other posts and Adult Services has stepped up their game as well meaning posting conflicts have started to be an issue since everyone has basically just been posting whatever they want with little to no consistency or branding. So my director tasked me with herding cats even though there has been no recognition of my role as a leader leading to me not wanting to overstep.

I asked my director in my bi-monthly meeting about a desire for more hours as well as a better understanding of my role in the future of our library. My city fucked up their budget a year or two ago and with COVID our hours and positions are actually on a freeze so I cannot get more hours though my director does have the goal of getting more hours to a few positions including mine. We are joining our local system this year which may mean we do not need our technical services positions so if any of them leave those hours could be allocated elsewhere. I just have no idea when these hours could become available. But this conversation did lead to giving all of programming to Adult Services and having my job become marketing and volunteer coordinator instead of program and volunteer coordinator.

My only concern is that this change may mean my position doesn’t need more hours later down the road? And that is literally all I want: a full-time position at my current library (since I am settled into this community) so I can work one damn job and have benefits. (My teeth have been a mess for years and yesterday I ate a nut wrong and was in so much pain I left one job early and called in sick to the other.)

Over the past couple of years Youth Services has started tasking each of their staff with planning and running their own programs and our goal is to do something similar with Adult Services. The biggest issue with that is that my current programs may not really play to any of Adult Services strengths, so some of my programs may be dissolved later this year.

I suspect Garden Guru which we market and host but is planned and presented by Master Gardener Volunteers will continue as it is fantastic series with minimal work on our end. We will probably end up changing around book club a fair bit which is fine as it has always been in a state of flux as I worked to figure out how to make it work well. Paint & Sip hasn’t been run in over a year due to the pandemic but will likely continue in some form. Make & Mingle has been monthly kits which is EXTREMELY time consuming and will likely be changed a fair bit when taken over by Adult Services at least during the transition and probably afterwards as they plan for its future.

Paint & Sip’s popularity has been my biggest frustration over the years but it and Make & Mingle have also been the most gratifying for me as I have always gotten the most positive feedback during and after those programs from participants. Also my office is basically a craft storage space and I am going to miss being known for the crafts.

I need to write up a new job description. I need to write out my programming planning and organization for Adult Services as a guide as they take over. I need to continue moving the Google Drive folders from my personal Google to the library’s new Gmail so that Adult Services will have control over them. I need to make sure these programs are all planned out enough to make sure transition is relatively smooth (Adult Services staff will either shadow my programs a few times or I will shadow with them as they take over and I figure I will work with the staff picking up different programs for transition plans).

So yeah... a fuck ton has been going on the last several months both overwhelming and exciting.

[rpgmgames]

March’s Featured Game: acai cOrner

DEVELOPER(S): moca & Mitty ENGINE: RPG Maker 2003 GENRE: RPG, Adventure, Surreal SUMMARY: acai cOrner is about Mizuki, someone who has fallen into the sewers and who happens to find their favorite electric guitar! Upon obtaining the guitar, Mizuki turns into a magical girl who must defend herself against spooky sewer creatures using the guitar's magical powers.

Download the game here! Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! *moca: Hi, I'm moca, a Starbucks barista aspiring to be a writer and game developer. I have been making RPG Maker games for about six years now, with my first two projects being a Pokémon fan-game and a Corpse Party fan-game. Those two happen to be my two favorite franchises as well! I have also created the RPG Maker game MOMOKA (IGMC 2018). I have founded a group called 'Team Shibu!' dedicated to making horror games! Our current project is a RPG Maker survival horror game named 'Katharsis'.

*Mitty: Hey there, I'm Mitty! I've been working with Moca on several games for a while now, helping with mostly graphics! Please support him, as he is very kind and hardworking!! I'm also the main developer of a game called "Marinette", so I hope you'll check that one out too, when the demo is released!

What is your project about? What inspired you to create this game initially? *moca: acai cOrner is an experimental spooky RPG Maker game that only uses 4 colors! You are a magical girl with a just-as-magical electric guitar that you use to fend off spooky sewer slimes and other weird enemies you find in the surreal sewer system. It's half exploration and half RPG battles. What inspired me to create acai cOrner initially was to actually get myself back into the groove of making games again. I had just recently came back from a hiatus and found myself having trouble getting back into the development of 'Katharsis'. That's when I decided to make a short, experimental game to get the juices flowing.

How long did you work on your project? *moca: acai cOrner was finished in just about under a month!

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *moca: I had always wanted to make a Yume Nikki-like game and thought this was the perfect opportunity to try. So for the more surreal parts of acai cOrner, I took inspiration from Yume Nikki and a Homestuck random planet generator. Gameplay wise though, I took inspiration from a RPG Maker game called Ghost Suburb 0! I really loved how unique it was, especially with the timer and no dialogue aspect. I knew I wanted to do something with a timer, so I tried a rogue-like approach with the gameplay.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *moca: If you played any of my previous projects, you know that acai cOrner is vastly different than anything that I have ever done. I'm so used to using words to describe the violence in my games, so when it came to making the story, I had a lot of trouble. It wasn't until I looked deeper into why people like these types of games that I had realized that people like to interpret the story on their own, guided by exploration, to enjoy these games. After that, I let loose a bit and made something more open-ended. Another challenge was the difficulty. I was the only one playtesting the game, and since I knew the game front and back, and had no trouble getting the ending. That's why when I sent out demos to friends, I was really discouraged to hear that the experience was mostly frustrating and rage quitting-inducing haha. I worked closely with their feedback and made changes accordingly to make the experience less frustrating but still difficult. *Mitty: I think I was going through a weird artblock during the development of the game, so for some of the illustrations and backdrops for each area's fights, Moca sketched out the basic idea of what it could look like, and I just put my spin on it! It made the work much easier and faster!

Did any aspects of your project change over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *moca: Well, the game was meant to be short so there wasn't room for any big changes. Sure there are a couple gameplay changes and enemy tweaks, but not anything mindblowing. I added in the idea of making four surreal worlds kinda last minute, if that counts, haha.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *moca: In the beginning, it was just me! I didn't think I was gonna need any outside help since this was supposed to be a relatively easy project to release, but the further in development I got, the more I realized the game needed pizazz. The four color limitation wasn't enough for my lack of graphical talent. That's when I contacted Mitty about helping with the games battle backdrops and sprite animations! She is also a member of Team Shibu!, but we have collabed together even before that. Her art really made the project shine and I enjoy working with them on games! *Mitty: Moca contacted me, and I wanted to help! We are working together on another game called Katharsis, so we are quite familiar with each other. I like working with other people, especially if I'm not in the lead, it releases a bit of the pressure I feel sometimes ahaha

What is the best part of developing a game? *moca: To me, it's seeing everything come together and just... working exactly the way you envisioned it. As a game developer, you section the game off into parts to make development much more organized and faster but seeing it all come together in the end. Pure bliss *chefs kiss*. *Mitty: I like a bit of everything, but currently I've been enjoying animating and spritework, as well as map assets' designs a little more than usual!

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *moca: Mm... not really! I have an idea of what the engine can do, so when I do go out of my way to player other RPG Maker games, it's usually for writing inspiration rather than gameplay inspiration. Ghost Suburb 0 is something that I accidentally stumbled upon and immediately fell in love with it the minute I played it haha. (Fun fact: the developer of Ghost Suburb 0 is apart of Team Shibu! and is in charge of monster design!)

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *moca: There is a rat in the game that is internally called 'Ratthew' who leads you into a funky room. I relate them the most. *Mitty: I relate to the land sharks the most on a spiritual level. They are pretty much confused beans, and that's very relatable.

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *moca: I wish I added more random spooky events and trap rooms. But the game was also supposed to be short and I knew that if I kept adding more and more things, development was never gonna end haha.

Do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *moca: Well, by the time this interview comes out, there should be a new update for the game. The update should include 100% custom music by a talented composer, and a nerf in difficulty. As for sequels, who knows! The next time you see acai cOrner may be in 3D.

What do you most look forward to upon finishing the game? *moca: Definitely the fan reaction! The satisfaction of seeing your work being noticed by people and actually enjoying makes me happy. It's also the relief of just... finishing something! *Mitty: For this particular project I was obviously looking forward to seeing what people said about the little animations and such ahaha! I also was curious about the reaction to the timed difficulty mechanic, I had never seen anything like that before Moca presented it to me, so I had no idea on what people's feedback would be.

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *moca: How people will handle the difficulty. The game isn't supposed to be completed on your first playthrough, but in 2-3 playthroughs. There are rooms and places that are meant to waste your time that you should ideally skip the more you play. By later playthroughs, you should be shaving time and be better. I understand that it's not handled as best I could, but I think the experience should still be challenging and hopefully fun! *Mitty: I was a little conflicted on the timed mechanic, I loved it because it's pretty original and helps set an interesting athmosphere of worry and unease, and also seems to tell a bit of the vague story; and at the same time I don't like it much because I prefer more story-driven games and the vagueness mixed with the mechanic feels different from what I'm used to playing! I think it's more of a personal taste kind of thing, it was an experimental jam game, after all!

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *moca: Take it easy! Take short breaks throughout development. And most importantly, have fun. If it's a hobby and it's making you overly stressed, just take a step back!

Question from last month's featured dev @ressurflection: What would you say is the weakest part of your game development? *moca: Procrastination. I'm so bad at sticking to my own schedule, it's something that I try to keep in check when working with a team especially.

We mods would like to thank moca & Mitty for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out acai cOrner if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[despair-ninja-everything-agency]

"I love you. Please don't go"

Just a tired 3 AM in the morning writings. Found some prompt in here so I figure I kinda challenge myself with it. The title is literally one of the prompt I found. Might do some more in the future.

Word Count: 900+

Characters: Akira Nishikiyama, Shikiya

Pairings: NiShikiya/AkiShiki

Fic under the cut

--------

Shikiya woke up with a start, his chest heaving and breaths coming in heavy pants. Sitting abruptly, one hand found its way to his chest while the other clutching his messy hair. His eyes frantically scanned the darkened room he’s currently in.

It’s his bedroom. It’s night. It’s dark. He’s alone.

Utterly alone.

Panic started to take over him until something snapped him out of his stupor.

“Shiki?”

Nishiki’s sudden yet soft voice filled his mind, making the twin counterpart jump a little before calming down with a sigh.

“Yo… You’re here...”

Slumping against the headboard, Shikiya repeated with a voice barely above a whisper. He could almost feel Nishiki’s worried gaze at him. That alone saved him from having to explain what happened. They both already knew.

Shikiya had a nightmare. A serious one at that.

It was dark everywhere. Not a single hint of light existing. A distant figure facing him, unreachable even if he tried to run at them. Even if he tried to reach out at them. That figure, Nishiki, just smiled at him. Sadness written all over his face. The Koi’s mouth moved, speaking something, but all he could hear was silence. The next moment, his body started to fade. First his feet, then legs, thighs, hips…

Shikiya desperately called out to him, begging him “please don’t leave me alone!”, forced his legs to move faster, for fuck sake, please move!

Yet... It was futile. His counterpart had vanished into nothingness, leaving nothing but memories.

His body trembled as he remembered it, tears started welling up behind clenched eyes. He let out a sob. Memories from the hospital, that day after the explosion, began to haunt him. Back when he had believed to lose the other soul for good.

“N-Nishiki…? Y-You still there…?” Shikiya asked between sobs, his tone was that of fear and regret.

The Koi replied, “Yeah, I’m still here”

That should be enough. His voice and presence should be enough to confirm that, yes, he’s there with him.

Yet it didn’t.

Shikiya wanted to touch him. To feel that he’s indeed there and not his mind playing tricks on his lonely self. The hand on his chest fisted a handful of his white dress shirt. His heart ache at the thought that he’s in fact alone with his imagination vainly grasping on the ghost that was his other self. A tear slid down his cheek, its brethren followed suit not long after. He couldn’t take it. He could’ve lost his mind, chasing after a ghost that no longer exists.

A faint touch settled on his fist, causing him to open his eyes and look. A hand rested on his, strangely there and not there at the same time. But it’s enough to anchor him back to reality. He watched as he felt another faint touch brushing the tears away from the corner of his eyes.

“Shikiya… I’m here… I’m not going anywhere…” Nishiki’s gentle and kind voice filled the otherwise relatively silent room save for Shikiya’s quiet sobbing. “I’m not leaving you alone… Not anymore…”

At this moment, Shikiya could finally see the other's vague form taking shape. The signature red suit and black-gold undershirt contrasting with the white and black attire he's wearing. Short flowing hair framing the soft expression his twin was sporting, his lips curling into a reassuring smile. His dark eyes were looking at him, understanding.

The faint touches were soon replaced by warmth all around him. Nishiki had hugged him. Shikiya found himself returning the gesture, careful not to touch too harshly as if afraid that he'd disappear if he did so. His tears started anew, streaming down his cheeks and chin as he buried his face on Nishiki's shoulder. Gentle pats hit his back. All of this proved that, yes, he's still here with him. The other kept telling him that he's here but his tone slowly became unsure and desperate, as if even he sought validation of his existence.

Shikiya pulled away from the embrace, tears staining on his face. One look at Nishiki told him he's almost as messy as him. Glistening wet trails adorned the Koi's cheek. Had he cried too? For what?

Suddenly, the Koi leaned and planted a chaste kiss on Shikiya's lips. Momentarily taken aback, the doppelganger returned the gesture not long after. Gentle kiss soon became a desperate one. Shikiya's tongue slithered past Nishiki's lips. He let him, if only to tell him that he's truly here, not a figment of his imagination. It takes a while before both pulled away for air.

"I love you," Shikiya muttered pleadingly, fingers tucked a loose strand of Nishiki's hair behind his ear. "Please... Don't go... Don't leave me alone"

This time, he's the one who initiated the kiss. Nothing but pure desperation, each pouring their love for the other into it. Their hands ghosting at each other's body, anchoring them to this moment. Another minute passed before the two gasps for air. Nishiki leaned his forehead against Shikiya's, his eyes lidded as he observed the mirror image before him, the one he used to hate when he first manifested but now has turned into one of the most important people in his life.

"I love you too," Nishiki whispered softly, his thumb wiping another tear that threatened to fall from the corner of Shikiya's eye. "I won't leave you... I'll always be by your side… Promise…"

Shikiya hummed in tired satisfaction. A soft "me too" escaped his lips before he let himself overtaken by exhaustion. The last thing he knew was Nishiki's heart - his own heart - beating steadily against his ear.

He had slept nightmare-free after that. When he woke up, he noticed he's still alone. Yet he acknowledged, deep down, he's not completely alone. Because Nishiki's there with him. Within him.

That's all that matters.

[let-me-vibe]

Fine the first 10

Well now it feels like a challenge.

Full name- Spark Iguchi

Age- 18

I'm afraid of dolphins, the dark, and the inevitability of death

I love my family, Aimi, and Link the nonbinary legend we all deserved

I'm a minor, I can't legally be turned on you weirdos :P I'm like a broken car

My best friend is either Dai or Uncle Jin

I like gorls

Only had one first date, and that was... 😬

I'm "short"

I miss the house not being so loud all the time

We already discussed when Dad's innocence was truly lost

My favorite color is neon pink

I guess you could call it a crush? I have a girlfriend obviously

I don't have a favorite quote

I like this tea shop down the street

My favorite food is salmon

I absolutely use sarcasm

I'm listening to Ember, Kin, and Zome try to impersonate Dad's screamer music

The first thing I notice about a person is how aggressively they're looking at me

I have gecko feet, so shoe sizes don't really apply to me

My eyes are purple

My hair is naturally red, but I dye it blue

My favorite style of clothing is *aggressively hides all my curves*

I've done several prank calls

27 not applicable

My favorite movie doesn't exist for you yet

I don't have a favorite song

Or a favorite band

I feel alright

I lovvvvvvvvvvve Aimi

I still have a girlfriend somehow

My dads rock

My favorite holiday is Valentine's day

I don't have any tattoos or piercings

Nor do I want any, which works out, cuz scales (RIP Papa)

38 not applicable

I don't have an ex

I do get "good morning" and "good night" texts

I last texted Kurogiri, and I have kissed him in a grandkid way

I last held hands farrrr too long ago, poor lonely hand :(

It takes me about an half an hour to get ready.

I can't shave my legs, they are barren

I'm on my couch

Anybody on the team would handle me if I was drunk, it's just a matter of who finds me first

I don't listen to music a lot

I live with my dads and other various weird kinda family members

I'm excited to be an adult

Yes, I can speak to men

I don't fake smile unless it's for pictures

I last hugged somebody, like, ten minutes ago

If Aimi was making out with somebody else I think I'd scream so loud she'd assume I'm a dragonborn or something

I don't think I trust anyone I shouldn't

I still dislike my lack of toenail

If I could meet anybody, I'd meet God so I could punch him

No thoughts head empty

I can lick my eyeballs

I'm scared of dolphins

I hate having my picture taken

The last lie I told was promising Ash that I didn't find her annoying sometimes

I'd rather call people than video chat

I guess I have to believe in ghosts, and I don't see why aliens wouldn't be real

Obviously magic's real, look at Uncle C

I don't see why luck would be fake

Very sunny over here

I last read a Star Wars fanfic

I like how gas smells

I have too many nicknames to list

My worst injury is probably just binding stuff

I save money

I can touch my nose with my tongue

Ash is pink and in front of me

My favorite animal is Le Gecko

At midnight I was calling my gf

Satan's last name is Todoroki

Can't say I have a happy song, but MCR does make me feel nostalgic

Win my heart by feeding me and giving me ripped black jeans

On my tombstone, write "wasted"

My favorite word is "flabbergasted"

81 not applicable

If the whole world were listening, I'd say "****"

I don't think I have relatives in jail

If I could have a superpower, I'd fly

I'd be afraid to honestly answer anything about my sex life

Desktop:

I've had sex

Never bought condoms

Never gotten pregnant

Never even been to a class

I've kissed a guy

I've kissed a girl

I've kissed in the rain

I have a job

I have left the house without my wallet

Never bullied anyone

Never had sex in public

Never played on a sports team

I've smoked weed

Never done any other drugs

Never smoked

I've tasted alcohol

I'm not vegitarian/vegan

Never been overweight

Never been underweight

I've been to a wedding

I've been on the computers for far longer than 5 hours at a time

I've watched TV for more than 5 hours at a time

I have left Japan

Never had my heart broken

Never been to a sports game

I've broken several bones

I cut my finger cooking once, but that's nothing compared to training with Papa

Never been to prom

Never been in a plane

Or a helicopter

Or been to a concert

I have a freAking girlfriend

Never learned another language

Never worn makeup

I lost my v card when I was 15

I have had oral sex

I have dyed my hair

Never voted

Never been in an ambulance

Or had surgery

I live with famous people

Never stalked anyone

Or peed outside

Or been fishing

I have helped a charity

Never been rejected by a crush

Or broken a mirror

Uhhhh I dunno what I want for my birthday

No kids 😤

I wasn't named after anyone

My handwriting's great

My favorite toy as a kid was Papa's face

Don't have a favorite show

I want to have a big rich person house

I don't play any instruments

I got a scar from itching my face too much

Only cheese should be on pizza

I'm afraid of the dark

I'm afraid of heights

I have been caught making mischief

Never dissapointed myself

I suck at knitting

My greatest achievment is beating Papa at Mario Kart once

Never really had anything specifically mean directed at me

If I won the lottery, I'd get top surgery

I like everything about myself

153 not applicable

I want a chocolate pool

[comicteaparty]

January 11th-January 17th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from January 11th, 2020 to January 17th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What’s an unplanned idea you had through your story part way through that forced you to change things?  How did everything go?

eli [a winged tale]

After my beta feedback there were some characters that needed further fleshing out with stakes and relationships. Therefore I had to change some backstories to make certain interactions impactful. Thankfully im at the start so nothing i had to go back and fix. I did think of some alternative openings should the comic goes to print but that can be future me’s worries

snuffysam

simultaneously very little and a huge amount, lol. in terms of big story beats, they've pretty much all stayed the same since i first started planning the comic. the twists have been set up and paid off and the like. but there's a bunch of things i've improv'd at the last minute. one notable example that was pretty well-received - in book 2 chapter 4, taci has a fear of puns (basically only shown in facial expressions and a single comment from mizuki towards the end of the fight). this was added because... otherwise the fight at the end of that chapter is just a bunch of walking around in near-identical dark tunnels. the way the fight ends is fun, but the fight itself isn't really anything. with taci having a reason to be afraid of coruby, the fight has more stakes & entertainment value, and it makes coruby feel much more interesting as a character. another huge example is the love triangle in book 1 - in that in the script, it was non-existent. mizuki being into girls was originally only gonna be introduced in book 2 (guess where), and the relationship between cahe and pejiba was going to advance with no real competition (besides bullets). it was gonna be mentioned in like book 3 that she had a thing for pejiba, but nothing in book 1 itself. (similarly to the pun thing, you may notice that mizuki being into pejiba isn't referenced at all in the dialogue besides pejiba saying "i know what mizuki thinks of me" which is kinda vague. i... don't like changing scripts last-minute lol.)

Mei

Not gonna lie, everything I do is entirely unplanned. I focus a lot on improvised comedy and what feels right 'at the moment', and considering I write scripts way in advance, sometimes it leads to jokes falling flat when I read them again a few months later. Which is all fine, honestly, it's part of the process. The main unplanned idea for My Husband is a Cultist was turning it from a 12 page one-shot into a fully fledged webcomic, now with 3 chapters and more to come. It was very 'on a whim', and from that very first chapter I came up with more silly ideas. And the more I talked to friends, the more ideas I had for chapters. So the biggest change personally was going from a pure slice-of-life comedy and spending time actually building the world around it so that there was structure to the chaos. I'm still working on it all. I now have an underlying plot that I'm hoping to explore, and I have the arcs planned out way in advance. So it's wild that I went from 'random ideas spewed on a document' to 'I now have a plot and several arcs to cover'. That being said, I still come up with a lot of things on the fly, so I'm changing things constantly as I go and hoping that there aren't too many inconsistencies!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

One of the most important story elements of Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/) came up early in the second chapter, when I was asking myself some more questions about the world - and came upon a crucial opportunity. Luckily I didn’t have to change too much to make it work, and while it didn’t really change the plot, it upped the emotional stakes 100-fold. Which is just what I wanted. In this world, I have a big naval force, of which my heroine is (was?) the future leader - but with relative peace and cooperation between the different island nations, who the heck does the navy fight? Pirates? Eh, maybe. But vanilla pirates have been done to death, and while they can be awesome, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to tie them into the world’s supernatural element - while strongly avoiding the Pirates of the Caribbean cursed-buccaneer aesthetic. I decided to tie them to a particular blight that affects some of the characters - so as to up their stakes and better convey why they’re societal outcasts. And finally, I wanted to give them a freaking awesome name, something both nautical and supernatural. Thus, for those reading - the Fata Morgana. What didn’t even exist at the beginning of the second chapter is now an absolutely crucial story element, and I’m so happy they came into the picture. They’ve changed everything for the better. This is one reason why I resigned myself to revealing the world in bits and pieces - I’m revealing it to myself as I go along, too. It helps to be slow sometimes

eli [a winged tale]

The Fata Morgana introduction in the story was A W E S O M E! I’m so glad you have them in the story and looking forward to that amped up stakes!

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I think the biggest example would be the last-minute inclusion of Jonathan as a main character in my comic Dark Wings: Eryl (https://www.flowerlarkstudios.com/dark-wings-2/). I had originally planned for him to be a temporary character that we said goodbye to at the end of Chapter 5. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised the main travelling party needed another character to balance things out. I was really struggling with planning future scenes because the pool of characters felt too small. I also realised that I had developed Jonathan’s character quite a lot for him to be dropped so early. So halfway through drawing chapter 5, I rewrote the second half and he’s now a major part of the cast.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

A second example is Anor in my other comic, Children of Shadow: Ashes (https://www.flowerlarkstudios.com/cos/). He was originally written as a far less sympathetic character. In fact, he was going to be a borderline antagonist who only became sympathetic close to the end. But my characters often do things I don’t expect, and as I was planning the story, he and one of the other main characters, Rava, started falling for each other. I honestly loved this, and so I reworked the entire story to make Anor part of the main cast and much more sympathetic. He’s still a tsundere, and at the point where the story is now, still in constant friction with Rava, but I feel he’s now a much stronger character and is contributing a great deal more to the story than when he was a vaguely ominous frenemy in the original draft.

varethane

ooooo I am intrigued by this factoid about Anor

re: unplanned story elements, in Chirault..... [spoilers obviously] Ridriel and Trillia being sisters was something that hit me out of the blue about halfway through the story, and I immediately reworked a lot of things to make it happen http://chirault.sevensmith.net/(edited)

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

In ghost Junk... We actually avoided a major character death and had revised it literally a chapter before it happened!! We had everything written out right the the very end, but were seeing the readers reactions and reflected on the importance/and if it was absolutely necessary! So with that said, we saved the character, and kept the necessary impact and growth that it was to bring, and honestly- I'm so happy we did it

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

@varethane Yeah, Anor’s character has evolved a LOT since the first draft.

Phu

With Blackblood, we actually created the 2nd and 3rd chapters and then thought we wanted a chapter ahead of those as sort of a prologue to give some world building and lore elements haha. Worked out well i think! https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/blackblood/list?title_no=300252(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP 🎄 Leif & Thorn)

This is kind of the opposite, since I did the "include a new thing in the story" part first, and that's what forced me to come up with a previously-unplanned idea to explain it... In Leif & Thorn, I had a character drop a reference to "that country doesn't allow interspecies marriages" before there's any canon reference to nonhuman species that human characters might want to marry. ...and even I didn't know what that species was going to be. Had some vague idea about revealing that mermaids existed, but in my head I never managed to integrate them with the rest of the plot or the worldbuilding real well. A few months later, I finally remember that I like drawing Tiny People (not like hobbit-size, think Borrowers-size), and realize this is the perfect setting to have a Tiny People Species! Now I get to come up with plot-based excuses to draw them wherever/however I want. Plus it opens up a whole new mine of jokes: https://leifandthorn.com/comic/somethings-cooking-26-29/

Can't for the life of me remember where I got this quote from, but there's an author who, when readers would ask for details about future developments in her books, would only give answers with the disclaimer "I reserve the right to have a better idea." Words to live by.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Damn, I love that quote.

DanitheCarutor

Admittedly there isn't a whole lot I've changed, maybe a couple small things here and there, but major stuff has been the same since I started. During the very beginning of the planning phase Daniel wasn't even going to be in the story and Julian was going to be homeless, but I wasn't quite satisfied with it. The story would have been too short, contrived and the resolution didn't feel satisfying. After some brainstorming and reflection on my feelings on certain experiences I've had, I added Daniel and 'The Guide to a Healthy Relationship' as it is kinda fell into place. It's weird thinking about how important Daniel is in spite of how new a character he is. Usually it takes me a little time to build one up before throwing them into a story, they gotta age like a fine wine first, but he popped out all ready to use like one week hooch.

Not sure if it counts, but I've also made changes to future parts of my comic. Like recently, even though I know what the ending is, I put a more final image in my head on what the final frame will look like. Also I changed an event that will happen at some point revolving around Apollo and his friends. Originally something skeevy was going to happen with Brandon and Apollo involving video uploads, and a homemade contract that was signed with Apollo was drunk. I thought it was too... I dunno, stupid? impractical? So I changed it to Julian was going to (unwillingly) attend a party at Brandon's (Apollo's friend) apartment, then some big, jealousy induced fight happens where Julian gets kicked out and Apollo feels bad. I didn't like that either, felt too reaching, so I'm going with another event that is a little out there but does happen in real life and something I have done some good research on.

Gonna be as vague as possible because it's spoilers.

keii4ii

Surprising myself is pretty much every step of my writing process. For good or bad.

I do plan things in advance, but find that sometimes things aren't what they seemed from 15 chapters ago.

I think what it is is this particular comic is such a visual story. I could plan out my previous comic with far greater accuracy. That comic was more dialog-driven; you could convert it into an audio drama with minimal changes, and it would still make sense. Whereas my current comic, you can't turn it into an audio drama without very VERY extensive changes (not even sure if possible... Many silent scenes). So I need to actually draw the pages to feel it out. And I can't draw out of order. Brain just won't that way.(edited)

carcarchu

totally agree with you @keii4ii sometimes u have to actually draw it out to get a feel for it. when i write out all the dialogue for my chapters i feel like it always ends up coming out so stiff, thats why i prefer to let it flow naturally and if something happens that i didnt account for just roll with it and adjust the story accordingly

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I'm kind of weird about always needing to know exactly how many pages a chapter is going to have, so I script right down to the panel. It can create flow problems on occasion, so I wish sometimes I could plan my pages more visually, but my brain just doesn't work that way. >< It's a good thing my stories mostly rely on dialogue because they're pretty much novels in comic form.(edited)

Cronaj

When planning a scene at the end of Chapter 3 of Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366), I was having a hard time writing the dialogue. I had the images of my lead characters, Agatha and Izrekiel, talking by the docks in the moonlight, and I knew generally what they talked about, but I couldn't script it. And then, one day while walking to work, my characters straight up had the conversation in my head! And as the dialogue unraveled, the characters (mostly Izrekiel) did something completely unplanned (which I won't reveal because spoilers). This unplanned change has completely upped the drama and sexual tension for the entirety of the future story. The second event of this is in Chapter 2, where Izrekiel is helping out on Kelan's farm. Initially, there was going to be some dialogue that mostly served as world-building, but when actually writing the scene, it occurred to me that they would likely not talk too much, too absorbed by the work of harvest. And then, I suddenly visualized/heard Kelan and the other farmhands SINGING. I don't know why it popped in my head that way, but they began singing a working song. Now, I am not a musician, but I used to sing in choir and do musicals and such, and like half my family members are musicians, so I have a bit of a musical background. Anyway, all this to say that the characters started singing, and in response, Izrekiel (who has amnesia) has a flashback to some repressed memory of men marching and singing the same song, with altered lyrics. This can get extra spoilery, so I won't delve too deep into what his memory means, but.... The lyrics go as such: Oh earth, oh rain, Oh sun in the sky, You grant me with your fruit In this land. And they are directly mirrored in the flashback with: Oh strength, oh grace, I'll raise my sword, With victory in mind In this land.(edited)

Deo101

For me, I totally changed the ending! I was going to make it a tragedy, and then at some point I realized I didnt NEED to... that a story can be happy and good. So, I rewrote a ton of stuff, and actually ended up adding in some new characters! I'd say It's gone very well ^^ I'm much happier with everything now (for one, I can think about the ending without crying!!) I've changed a lot of other little things as i've gone along too. too many things to count, really.

Tuyetnhi

Initially I was writing the story timeline to 5 days but it spanned to something about a year. Which means I had a chance to develop it further than trying to rush plot points. Used to be like 3 chapters originally but now its like ....I guess 20 chapters? I don't remember the full count but lmao I'm ready to endure.(edited)

varethane

most of the biggest changes to Chirault were decided on during the first 3 years of me making it..... I completely threw out the first plan I had made, lol. There was no specific trigger for this, except maybe for 'I don't like this, actually'

keii4ii

Oh! I remembered something specific. My tiger character used to have a 'generic lean-ripped' build. Kinda like the rabbit from Juuni Taisen. Then I posted a random beach day picture, and someone (who wasn't used to seeing characters with visible leg muscles... A lot of comics they read have characters who suffer from Skipped All The Leg Days syndrome) pointed out how insanely muscular his legs were. I ran with it. Today his legs are 2x bigger than they were in that beach day pic, and it's all muscle. Also while this character stays very lean throughout the story, I as the author guarantee you that if he were to put on fat, his thighs will be the first to expand, and the most. 8)

Tuyetnhi

omg

Cronaj

@keii4ii I'm so glad for this change. Lu's legs are majestic

Capitania do Azar

Interesting replies here

In o Sarilho https://www.sarilho.net/en/, I have avoided one major character death in the first part of the story because I grow super fond of them and also because it wasn't really going to build up to anything... Which felt really unfair. So now I had to come up with narrative lines for them and I'm quite enjoying that. Furthermore, I was halfway through chapter 3 when I figured out Eurico's looks but especially his role in the story. It involved drawing a lot of trucks (and there will be more trucks in the future) but I'm really excited for him as a character

Desnik

As I was writing my comic I was trying really hard to keep the POV limited to one character, but that character doesn't have enough perspective to set up the plot very well at the beginning. This meant hopping POVs to some other characters and now I'm gently trying to squash a lot of these subplots before they go completely out of control...

[dayshasource]

Shaping the World and Young Women.

Born atheist, but converted to Islam, G. Willow Wilson the author of Ms. Marvel spoke to students, and faculty about her comic book last Wednesday at Moraine Valley community college in which she spoke about her conversion, and why she chose to write about a Pakistani Muslim girl named Kamala Khan that has polymorphism. 

             Wilson is an atheist born but converted to Islam who was asked by Marvel writers to create a comic about a Muslim girl with polymorphism. Polymorphism is the power to transform and reshape the form of one's body. Being that Khan is Pakistani, shown as a hero is different because she is the only Muslim superhero in the marvel cinematic universe, so she is a different kind of superhero who shows different groups of people that they can to be heroes. 

                On Apr 10. at noon inside the theater of the F building, which moraine doesn’t host their book events there often, “At the fine and performing arts center, we seldom offer these types of book or author events. Those are most often curated by the library. This specific event, however, was a collaboration with the library and because Wilson is so well-known, we felt that the theater was a better venue to accommodate larger audiences,” says Tommy Hensel who is the managing director of the one and performing arts center.

 I asked him what are these events called and why they host them, “every year, the library picks one text and creates a year-long series of events called ‘One Book/One college.’ For this academic year, they picked the “ms. marvel” graphic novels by Willson. That choice was part of a collaboration with the fine and performing arts center and a program we have been running called ‘Mosaics: Muslim Voices in America.’ That program was funded by a grant from the Association of Performing Arts Professionals for the Building Bridges: Arts, Culture and Identity program. Moraine Valley, along with one consortium and three other individual organizations, received funding to build knowledge, and appreciation for arts and culture with roots in Muslim-majority societies. This grant program is supported by the Doris Duke Charitable Foundation, and the Doris Duke Foundation for Islamic Art, and helps support mission-critical projects that demonstrate the power of the arts to strengthen communities and increase intercultural understanding across America. Moraine Valley’s specific project is titled Mosaics: Muslim Voices in America and our focus is to highlight the artistic and cultural diversity of Muslim artists living and working in the United States.”  Hensel says which is amazing because there were so many young Muslim students at the event that day, mostly women, who are most likely inspired by her writing and the storyline. 

One woman was a fan of the marvel comics, which was obvious because she wore her captain marvel shirt which is a new movie that just been released in March which finally got one billion in the box office. She is the first woman in the Marvel cinematic universe to have her own movie and to reach one billion ticket sales.

The event was located in the Dorothy Menker Theater. I and my friend Ana decided to sit in the front. Behind us was a class from Argo High School. There were at least 20 students apart from that class and about 40 people overall in the theater. To my right was an interpreter signing for a few deaf students, and to my left was a group of professors and equational the cameraman would jump on stage and snap photos. After waiting for ten minutes Wilson took the stage. I couldn’t fully tell what she had on, because she was behind the podium but I caught the sight of her hijab which was white and Hensel announced his thanks to everyone for being there and did an intro before he walked off stage to give Wilson the room. The screen above us had the book cover which I’ve noticed. Wilson’s family were atheists so she wasn’t raised in a religious household. She thought about converting to Islam because as a teen she was so invested in religion and reading a lot about it and when she was in college she was exposed to it as well, but since 9/11, it set her back from doing so. “Is this is? Are they right and I’m wrong?” She says. After graduating she moved to Egypt to teach English and she finally converted. Since then the audience seemed very interested in what she had to say. A group of young Muslim girls that go to moraine came to get a closer to listen. Everyone was now focused on her as she spoke lively about her new life.  “It was very much a matter of kind of living a double life for a time and not reviewing bits of me to the people I love the most and I’m feeling really guilty about it and guilty about feeling like some kind of betrayal by taking this radical departure from the life that is expected of me and I wrestled with it for a long time but coming to a place where I can talk about it with the people I love is something that helped,” Wilson says as I looked around, and see people’s elbows were on their legs, they were pushed forward trying to listen closely to the story on how she went from atheist to Muslim. A few years after Marvel came to her to start the idea to write a comic about a Muslim superhero.

At the time she didn’t know what the Khan background is going to be what costume she was going to wear and what her powers she is going to have. 

“Your story is about belonging,” Sanaa Omna says her to help her get a sense of how Khan's storyline will go. “I was interested in making her power something more kinetic, something more visually interesting something that wasn’t necessarily pretty and sparkly but with more visceral that was kind of weird.” So that’s when she settled on polymorphism. She can become really big, really small and she can bend the laws of physics. 

She brings up how she relates to Khan and the other characters in her own way since she never grew up with being Muslim and also that she’s white and not brown. 

“I think all of us in our teenage years are trying to figure out who we are in relation to the people around us. Trying to cycle all your life and keep a major development away from your parents and people you grew up with and I think that almost feels like more and the way handled her superpowers from anything else not that I view as converting religion as getting superpowers if so that would be awesome. But that feeling was very well known to me I have the secret I don’t have to tell I don't know if it’s a bad thing, something I should share this with people, I don’t know how to feel about it. So that way she deals with her superpowers and who do she tells and who she not tell is me trying to be right in vitally context by Omni stories and by the things she felt were important to include and that was the matter of making myself quiet and not bring myself into the stories except as a sidekick you know there is a lot of me in Bruno, there is a lot of me in Zoey I felt like it was important to have those characters there.”

At the time when Marvel asked her write the comic Wilson got very shocked and it came out of nowhere. “I got a call from Omna who at that point was an editor from X men, authors, at marvel comics and I met with her briefly we had lunch with a mutual friend and kinda empathized with each other because at that point we were the only two Muslim women working The entire mainstream American superhero industry just us and we haven’t spoken since then so I was not expecting that call much less was I expecting her to say so we had this idea we want to create a new American Muslim superhero on her own ongoing book and we would like you to help develop his character,” Wilson says as one of the professors pulled out her phone and started recording, “that’s utter madness, I had at that point my relatively short career in comics accrued already a certain number of threats from some serious, some not for writing that hadn't nothing to with religion with politics with anything that can be considered remotely controversial and write two entirely unremarkable fill-in issues on superman and get threats,” she finishes. Wilson went on to speak about her challenges writing the story. 

“We almost romanticize the idea that if you are under a threat you must have said something really important and out there and it kinda makes you a more important figure than you were otherwise when in actual fact I said nothing very remarkable and it did not feel excited or dangerous in a fun way or all American to have to deal with this threat and it felt like I had done something wrong because I was the one who has a police escort which is not the most fun and I was the one who couldn't use the bathroom like a normal person or go into the building the normal way,” she spoke confidently.

         It was very interesting seeing her writing a character who is Muslim/Pakistani when she’s not. Someone can only know so much about someone’s culture. She decided to step away from ms. marvel this year to give young Muslim authors a chance to give Khan more of a story since she isn’t born into the culture or religion because being born into that and growing up with it is a whole different experience. She thought so as well. It’s amazing of her to do that since she has been with Khan for so long but her thinking about young Muslim readers and wanting more for those readers is a thoughtful thing to do.

              “We never thought this landscape would have changed so much artistically politically with this character to be embraced by so many people and that there will be this amazing dynamic and crap of young Muslim writers who will rise together and love this character and take her on as their own.”

[raybansandcoffee]

Show of Hands

Is there anyone out there interested in reading my writing about someone other than Harry Styles? 

I am really having fun exploring other characters and may potentially someday go back to that original novel of mine. I just am unsure if anyone gives a shit if I post it or if it’s better left for another blog, which I do have but have neglected. If it appears that it’s better for the other blog this one will likely remain dormant for quite a while.

I have a good start with two things that I could potentially start publishing. 

One involves Michael B. Jordan and a love interest who is white, which I feel like I haven’t found in my searches. I will preface this by saying she is white mainly because I’m not sure how advanced of a writer I am to get into the mind of someone unlike me. If you have read my writing in the past you may have noticed that most of my characters share similar things with me, whether it's my anxiety, my chronic migraines, my neurotic behavior, being absolutely horrible at relationships, hell one even has my name. The thing this character shares with me is that I am white. While someday I’d love to feel confident enough to write a POC as the lead narrator in a novel I don’t want to do a disservice to the amazing women of color who exist in this world by terribly writing about them because I respect them too much to butcher their life experience for a story. It would take more research and learning to understand how to adapt my writing style to something that I have no shared experience with. It’s not meant to be controversial or imply that MBJ should date white women or only does or whatever. I just find him hot and started writing something about him a while ago and sort of stopped because my drive was shot and because I wasn’t sure if I liked what I was having to use as the dramatic element in the story. Dating a black man is something that I can relate to which is why the perspective intrigued me. While there was no controversy about us because we are two regular, normal people in our 30s in Iowa, admittedly a lot of my extended family is racist so there was a lot of internalization about what they would think if things got really serious and if I would essentially have to watch my family disown me and my mother because she loved him as much as I did and wouldn’t stand for someone telling me not to love him because he wasn’t like me. In the end, we were better off friends and he is who I saw Endgame with yesterday. He is still the first person I tell my good news to that isn’t family and very supportive of me.  I’m fairly certain my ex would laugh his fucking ass off if I told him I was trying to rehash our relationship in my mind for a story involving MBJ. He’d roll his eyes at me so hard the Earth would fly off its axis. It’s a challenge for me personally and creatively because I know that MBJ’s history of dating white women is talked about on the internet a lot and it sort of inspired me after a week of binge-watching a crap ton of MBJ movies and the final two season of FNL. I think the conflict I knew my family would have with my past relationship was bleeding too much into what I’m writing because it’s 2019. If people have a problem with two people from different races loving each other that’s something that is their problem, not mine.

The current one I’m writing has Chris Evans in it. I talked about it a little yesterday. I started writing one a looooooong time ago and hit a road bump with life and never finished it. In fact, it never made it past 30 pages. I do frequently open that document up and read through those 30 pages of not great writing - it was before I truly found my groove in writing and it’s honestly not that good. But I have essentially only been consuming MCU and MCU adjacent films for like 2 solid months so I have Chris Evans on the brain all the time. I developed a massive crush on him when I was a senior in high school that has just grown through the years. I have never seriously toyed with the idea of him as a love interest for a character but I feel like it’s something I really truly want to keep working on. So I’m going to for myself most of all but if it was something that anyone had interest in I’d consider sharing it. Writing this doesn’t give me panic about what my life could’ve been like if my relationship had continued and the racist relatives had come out of the woodwork. It doesn’t make me fear that I will offend someone by writing an interracial relationship and honestly it saves me from trying to analyze the cultural differences between my ex and me to more properly write it. It just lets me live in a happy bubble where I get to watch youtube videos of Chris laughing - literally my favorite sound in the world. Plus I get to feel better about having done more than 30 pages of something that could’ve been great that I gave up on. I have a tendency not to finish things and want to break that habit.

I struggle to write short, one-shot style fanfics. I’m a chaptered kinda lady. And if you’ve read anything I’ve published I screwed myself with ITHOLA and my chapters were all 10,000 words plus. I love telling stories and creating characters and bringing them to life. I’d love to try and write the shorter one-shots but I don’t know that I have it in me, I absolutely can’t write anything where the character is referred to as {your name} because I have to develop the character in my mind to be able to write it. I like writing from inside someone’s head, not in the third person POV. This blog started initially as this heaven for Harry Styles because I fell down a rabbit hole. While I love the characters I created we all know I’ve been struggling to write it for a year. I’m at such a different place in life than I was when I started and I needed time to step back from it and see if I could keep doing it. I got through a few chapters but the parts of it that were imitating my real life started to cause some serious depression associated with my writing. The dissolution of a friendship and health complications with a parent are something I know all too fucking well these days. I need something new and happy and fun to give me the release that my writing gives me.

So I guess the question is. If I published something that wasn’t about Harry Styles would anyone read it? Does a tree make a sound if it falls and no one is around to hear it? Help me figure out if this is just for me or if I need to keep fine-tuning it to have it be for the world or at least a few readers on the internet.

[exotahu]

The Bronycon 2017 big text post!

This is the longest thing I ever write but here is my of the 2017 Bronycon.

Lets get to it. 

Thursday:

We met at Bill's house so we could travel down in two groups, since we had too many people to fit in one car. (8 of us, Me, Andrew, Justin and Ethan in one car, Kyle, Bill, Nick and Josh in another.) We managed to pretty much stay together and stopped at the same gas station together. It was the good-hot dog speedway. They only had two left and everyone looked at me like I was crazy for wanting gas station hot dogs. I ate those two and asked if they had any more. They totally did. I intended to eat a couple more but NOPE. Everybody else decided to try the gas station hotdogs and doubled up. Oh well, it was kinda funny. The next stop was Baltimore. There was crazy construction in the city, atleast around our hotel. Slowed us down a bit. Justin really had to use the bathroom, so he jumped out of the car in still traffic and went into a nearby subway rather than waiting until we got to the hotel. As soon as he did, traffic moved, like we thought it would. It was easy to direct him from there to the hotel though. They had the special keys, but there wasn't a wifi password this year. I'm a Marriott member so I got free wifi anyway though. We hung around for a bit and went to get our badges. Went pretty quick for us basic pass holders, only like 45 minutes. Not bad at all. Deposited our con things at the hotel. Went to Dick's Last Resort. Nick decided he wanted to arm wrestle me for some reason. I won. Of course the waiter saw this so he challenged me. I lost pretty quick, he was large. Might have been better had I not planted my elbow on the goddamn laminated menu, but what can you do? The funniest part was when he brought our drinks, he brought one. Left the others at the station thingy. I got up and got just mine. Then everyone else slowly did it. It was funny. Managed to place a Pokemon on the gym there too. Didn't last that long but was nice anyway. Then we went to Fells Point. Everybody went to a ramen shop but I decided to go to the bar trot early. I was the only one to actually sign up for it in our group. The original company running the bar trot apparently closed. I didn't know there wasn't to be one until a month before, and then I noticed a new company doing it but it was definitely very last minute for them. There were only two bars participating, neither of them being the admiral, which seemed kinda lame. However the Admiral, being awesome as it as, participated ANYWAY. They had the themed drink including the Great and Powerful Trixie. Drank a fuckton of it. They also had a Pinkie Pie and Applejack themed drink that I saw. Then the bartender made a Rainbow Dash drink by combining them all. It was fuckin' awesome. We then went to the Soundgarden because apparently it's just right there and back to the hotel for bed.

 Friday:

 I got up relatively early, think I actually got almost 8 hours of sleep. Decided to bring my bad Derpy cosplay. Product of a 3$ costume store clearance wing/ear/tail set and a shirt photo transfer. I actually went to opening ceremonies because A. I woke up for it on time, B. I didn't want to just book it to the vendor hall.  It was neat, maybe I'll try to do opening ceremonies again. After that, I got to meet up with a group of people from a Scisetdaily (a really cute Sciset tumblr askblog thingy) discord server I joined, which was really cool. We hung out and ate some con food before we split off to do other things. I went to the vendor hall at this point and wandered. Bought one of the cool engraved lighters. It has Princess Luna on it. I also got some 4de plushies (Specifically Fluttershy and Trixie), a fantastic JoJo shirt and some a couple Cutie Corral plushies. Specifically the comic universe reverse world princesses. Apparently its their last year doing cons : (. Comics hadn't been set up yet so I held off on that. Then I bought an absolutely adorable Derpy playmat. Also I got to see something neat. The MyLittleTies booth had A VR demo for the occulus rift where you could wander around Ponyville. It was really cool, even though I had to take my glasses off I could still see well enough for it to be cool. And yes I totally want an occulus rift for this reason.... Sad my computer won't support it. It was sort of disorienting, but I'm sure if I used VR more, I'd get used to it. After this I went to the hotel and deposited my things and headed to the Fursuit photoshoot with a couple friends. Next was the CMC VA panel which was cool. I like the VA panels. I kinda just wandered around again after that before going back to the main hall. I was going to watch the comic creators panel, but the adjacent room had a tesla coil set up and i really wanted to watch them go. Ultimately ended up watching the tesla coils go cause I needed to charge my phone and that is where an outlet was. Caught the end of the comic panel though. I hate when two panels I want to see conflict. Ate some more con food and did a bunch of wandering. Went back to the hotel and switched to a normal shirt and prepped for bronypalooza. Hung out in the other room and played some splatoon2. Really wanted to see Vylet. His set was fuckin awesome. Other acts were really cool too. A lot more electronic music than usual for that early in the night. Then I did something different. Rather than stay at the palooza, I met up with everyone and went to the Anthology 6 panel. Fuckin hysterical. Everyone else went back to the hotel and I went back to the palooza to catch Silva Hound's set. Then went back to the hotel and went to sleep.

 Saturday: Decided last minute to bring my Chrysalis cosplay. Ran into the guy I met at an Otakon a few years back, which was cool. I went to the vendor hall first. The comic booth had a box of variant covers for 5$ each. I dropped 60$ on comics. Then I found a Madoka playmat. I also got Bill to grab a movie playmat for me when they went to the vendor hall day 1. I got like 3 mats. I mostly just wandered and observed. Saw a dakimakura that was real funny bud I didn't want to drop 100 at that time. It was a cartoon-y chrysalis laying on a fuzzy pink background and that fuzzy pink background was Fluffllepuff. Next I got to meet up with the cool people from the internet again and we went to the Kelly Sheridan and Kyle Rideout panel as one big group. I thought of a q&a question but by that point the line was to infinity and I knew there was no way, perhaps another time. Once that ended I grabbed some food and went to the crystal arena. Bill and Josh wanted to see how the game had changed and see what the game was like now. They were running a novice tournament that was 10$ you got a deck to play with and two packs and at the end. It was neat learning the game again. It sounds like it really became good. They streamlined it a lot. Went to another fursuit photoshoot. Then we went back and got ready for palooza. I stayed the entire time this time. Really liked Michelle Creber and BlackGryph0n’s set. Chilled out and sat for one of the acts with Andrew and Ethan, needed to save my legs which were super sore. It was fantastic. Got to see Garnika, he's probably my favorite of all the regular artists there. I bought one of his shirts. Although I heard this might have been his last Bronycon? Infinite sadness if thats true. This is about when Kyle and Josh showed up. I also got a message that the fire alarm went off at the hotel. Everybody there had a clusterfuck, Justin slept through it. Turns out someone was vaping or smoking or some nonsense. then Andrew and Ethan returned in time for the end of Garnika's set and Alex S. Was a great time.

 Sunday: Waking up was a bit rough since I hadnt gotten to bed until like 330-4. I wanted to go the VA panel but it was at 10 am (Goddamn who DOES that) but I was way to tired to get out of bed on time. I caught the end of it though! Then I went to the vendor hall. I was trying to avoid buying prints, but guess what. Bought so many goddamn prints. Again. Fuck. Oh well. I've tetris'd my walls before and I can totes do it again. Was trying to buy other neat things. I did too. I got a lazer etched geode slice and an edge lit acrylic pane. I really just hung out in the vendor hall with various people and looked at things. Also Nick got me a commission from an artist named Baron Engle. It's Lapis and Peridot as ponies in his style. Really fucking cool. Also bought another glass. Fluttershy this time. Was hoping one of the bands was gonna be at the Bronypalooza table but they weren't. Also had a print ordered to be shipped to me cause one of the print places printer broke. (There are certain booths that will sell art on behalf of the artists that can't be there.) Also bought a little digital nametag thing. It's pretty cool. I gotta get a cord to hook it up to the computer though. Wandered the con a little bit then deposited stuff at the hotel. We went to closing ceremonies after that. Ran into Garnika on the way there which was neat. Before it started we were playing music and everyone was just kinda goofing around. Closing ceremonies were cool. They said they were short 219 from their 33000 charity goal. So they asked the crowd if they could do that and SO MANY people got up to give them money (myself included). Turns out they made like 1200 $ They were then 10 short from 34k, and someone gave them 10$ We got our annual group photo and then headed to the Inner Harbor for some food and to play some Pokemon Go. Went to Bubba Gump's Shrimp Co. Place remains to be fucking fanstastic. Shrimpers Heaven is the best. While we waited for a table we managed to find a whole bunch of cool pokemon, Even did a Machamp raid. Found a fuckin Sandshew, Totodile and Mantine as well. Those are all things I've never seen around here ever. The Bronycon gym was blue so we couldn't do it yet decided to try later. I also evolved my first Gyrados. I decided to do it down there because that's where I essentially started my game. Went around an played some more Pokemon after dinner. The bronycon gym had changed but unfortunately the game broke real hard, we managed to get it down after a half hour of error-ing out a game crashes. Then we should have had it but it turned yellow in the clusterfuck. And no one had it in them to stand there for another half hour of broken game to beat one Blissey. We went back the next day but it had once again turned blue so we never got on it. Then we all went back to the hotel and watched the newest Rick and Morty while packing. Got our shit together and slept.

 Monday: We got up and hung out before loading vehicles. Checkout and hotel exiting was pretty easy. Decided to hang around in the inner harbor for a bit. Got lunch at an Irish pub in the pavilion. Yay for pub burgers and vodka cranberries! Then went to do a raid. A bunch of us went to get ice cream, but I went to the bigass Barnes and Noble instead. I had been looking for the Daring Do books at the con but no one had them. Barnes and Noble had one of the ones I was missing. After all that we walked back and headed out. We tried to stay together but traffic was nonsensical so it was hard. Unfortunately a rock flew up and cracked Kyle's windshield. Minor but still annoying. We  met up one last time in Wilkes-Barre at a Sheetz. I got some 2 for a dollar hot dogs and they were not good. After hanging out some they left about 15 minutes before us. We thought it'd be funny if we managed to pass them since they had such a ridiculously long head start and guess what? We totally did. It was funny. Got home after that.

 Overall:

             It was a good fucking time. Usually is. Bought some neat stuff. Got to meet some cool people from the internet. (Honestly, if any of y'all are reading this, even though it wasn't for that long at any given point you were all cool to meet and hang out with. I hope we get to again sometime.) It's honestly been a while since I've done that. It's funny, despite having done this the last 5 years, I don't feel at all burned out. Though next year, I think I'm going to do something different for my usual con photography. I'm going to shoot everything in black and white. (I accidentally left my camera in black and white mode for my first shot) I want to see how that makes things different.  

 (Also as always my memory is pretty butthole, and I essentially wrote this twice, so there might be errors and things I missed or got in the wrong order.)

[ghost-town-story]

He Was Never Mine to Have: A Hopeful Conclusion

For the first time in this unexpected series, I’m not writing this at fucklate at night, so we got that going for us here.

The first part was bittersweet, the second part was bitter, and the third part is (hopefully) sweet.

There’s not multiple parts to this story. Just one night to talk about.

Last Tuesday, we had a concert. The people performing were Percussion Ensemble, Acapella Choir, Woodwind Choir, regular Choir, and Brass Choir, in that order. I’m in Woodwind Choir, along with a friend I’ll call Y, and Tech was in Brass Choir, and Acapella with Chuck. 

So I’m sitting with Y and we’re watching the concert while waiting to go, and Acapella goes up to sing. I’m excited cause another of my friends is singing in there, plus I’ve heard them sing once before and they’re pretty good. And damn did they sing some pretty songs. There’s two really feelsy ones that I keep listening to on repeat now. (Plus they did Radioactive with Chuck singing the main part so that was cool). The whole time I was like “Okay chick, don’t stare at Tech,” but I did let myself stare a few times, especially during the more feelsy songs. And damn my crush was definitely there. I’ve found, within the past few weeks, that no matter how bitter I am at what he’s done to me, I can’t be bitter at him. Not because I’m helplessly in love, but... idk. I’m just not bitter at him anymore. And I’m okay with that. 

We went up right after Acapella, so I passed by Chuck and Tech. Chuck laughed at how the bari sax is nearly as large as me, and I challenged him and Tech to separate fights. Chuck’s like “nah.” Tech says “sure,” but I’m past him by this point cause I gotta get on stage. 

After the performance, we got pizza. I was putting away my sax in the instrument storage room when Tech walked in to put away his baritone.  “Now the real question is,” he said, “is not whether the bari is the same size as you, but whether you can fit in the case.”  “Probably,” I replied. “If you take out all the fuzz. It’s nearly as tall as me after all.” Tech laughed and told me a story of when he was in high school, and they tried to prank his band teacher by hiding a student in a case and saying there was something wrong with the instrument. It went wrong, and I snickered at their failure. 

I met up with Y again (she owns her flute, so she doesn’t have to/doesn’t store her flute in the instrument storage area), and we go to get pizza. We got food and sat down on a bench right after the pizza. Tech got pizza soon afterwards and came to sit next to us. He asked how my quarter was going. “Death, but what’s new,” was my response. It’s ninth week, what do you expect lol. I chatted with Y and we ate in relative silence, until Tech got up to go talk to other people. It was better than him sitting in awkward silence next to me, cause I still didn’t (and kinda don’t) know how to interact with him.

Soon after Tech left, Chuck got pizza and came to stand next to Y and I (he knows Y from some community service frat thingy they’re in? Idk much tbh all I know is it’s co-ed). By that point Tech’s seat was taken, but he stands next to us and eats pizza and we chat. At one point I tell him to fight me (as usual) and he pulls over a person from choir and is like “I’m gonna use you as a weapon to hit a motherfucker with a motherfucker.” Tech has returned by this point, and starts laughing. At another point, Chuck details how he would use Tech to beat me up.  “Please don’t smash me into the floor,” I said. “I don’t need to be shorter.”  “Smol,” Chuck called me. 

We sit around and talk until everybody’s gone. Chuck takes a plate of cookies to take home cause it’s like who else is gonna eat them and the music directors ain’t gonna care lol.  “You better share those,” Tech said.  “I was planning on putting these in the kitchen,” was Chuck’s response.  “Good boy.” Jeez Tech.

At some point, Y and I are standing by Y’s car, Chuck and Tech are nearby but not yet by their cars, and we got on the topic of lighters and fire.  “Yeah, I gave SM fire,” Chuck said. “And I offered some to you, but you said no.”  “My heart said yes, my head said no,” I clarified. Tech walked off towards his car. I was confused, but mostly ignore him as Chuck said, “You know, you should always follow your heart.” Yeah, well, too late for that, I think, at least in terms of lighters.  “Catch!” Tech yells from his car.  “Please no,” was my response, because if my guess was correct, I didn’t want to try and catch it, and I didn’t want to have whatever hit Y’s car if I just missed entirely. Tech walked back, a shit-eating grin on his face, and when he gets close, he hands me a lighter. I’m excited, Y’s like “oh no,” and Chuck’s like “Don’t burn shit down.” 

Y got into her car while Tech and Chuck were talking, and I asked her if we were going (she was driving us to Walmart). At that, Chuck is like “Well, I’d better go. Have fun at Walmart, and don’t burn it down.” Since I was getting into the car at the time, and Tech was saying something at the same time, I didn’t hear if Chuck said do or don’t, so I asked him. Tech responded. “I said, do, he said don’t.”  “Who should I listen to then?” “The one who can beat you up,” said Chuck.  “The one who’s gonna be here longer,” responded Tech. “And I can beat her up.” I laughed. “You guys have fun fighting over who gets to beat me up. See ya!” And I closed my door, and all three of us drove away. 

When I got back to my room, I took the lighter out to look at it more. When Tech handed it to me, all I noticed was that it was blue, and was kinda beat up, but I was so excited anyways. The siding was starting to peel at the bottom, the wheel at the top was gritty, and along one side was the name of Tech’s frat, and a picture of a unicorn (I think that might be their unofficial mascot for reasons mostly unknown to me). And that lighter’s really too goddamned precious to me now. Not just because it’s a present from Tech, but I’d wanted a lighter for so long, and now I have one.

It’s really weird you know. But it’s like that concert and that lighter kinda flipped a switch, and now I’m really not bitter anymore. I mean yeah, I still have a crush on him, and it’s so one-sided since I know he doesn’t want to date me, but I also don’t want to date him so there’s also that, and ugh it’s just hella complicated lol. 

Long story short. I’m not quite over you yet Walt, but I’m far more at peace with my crush now. And thanks for the lighter. It’s cute :)

I don’t need the love of a boy over 80 miles away because I have a lighter in my pocket and nicknames that stick. I have friends who tease me mercilessly yet love me for who I am I have a theater family that made me feel like I belonged from the very first show. I don’t need to pine and wish for what I had and lost, because I have a lighter in my pocket, and optimism for the future.

That could be an alternate title for this part. I Have a Lighter in my Pocket.

[differentkindapiratemovies-blog]

Reflections

Overview

I really wish I had given myself more time this year to really develop a lot of my projects but due personal issues I ended up not being present at a lot of most of the classes and workshops although I still believe I have completed most of the work independently to the best standard I could. I tend to deal a lot with creative bock due to over thinking and this year was by far a real challenge for me. I really overcame a lot of problems I have when it comes to working on projects. I struggled a lot with the majority of what I had and wanted to do even though a lot of it is stuff I have done before in my life. I like to think of myself as very resourceful when I don’t have a lot on hand and not a lotta time. I pride myself at being able to look at what I have around me and create something out of it. My work this year often involved only one other person to be my subject of whatever it was I was working on and other than that I tend to be my own writer, director, crew, producer, everything.  It’s not that I am against working with others but I get very bad social anxiety, partially when I have a certain idea in mind and really want to find people on the same wave length. I find it very easy to talk to my best friend who appears in almost every piece of work I’ve created throughout this year. She’s helped me a great deal in getting my work completed and letting me just kind of tell her what to do however going into next year I really want to meet new people and collaborate on projects even though I’m apprehensive. However I still pride myself on being a truly independent filmmaker and I would like to learn every single aspect of the process so I can become and unstoppable force of creative fuck.

I like to work in a physical sketchbook and although I believe I have shown all the relevant information from it here on the blog I feel as though that the book itself is the real blog, where I keep everything from inspiration and influence and personal ideas for movies and projects and of course all my many class notes and theory I’ve caught up and studied over the last few months. I work entirely in this book, I bring it everywhere I go and is a huge part of development of ideas and has a lot of information in it from the philosophical side of creativity to the practical. It’s very important to me to do things my way and keep everything together as my projects tend to over lap especially if there’s several being completed in a short space of time. With this year I believe it’s important to see my work as a whole and also represents the kinda rag tag way I tend to work. Things get messy when I come up with a bunch of different ideas and my sketchbook for this years work defiantly represents that. It’s filled with every little thing I write down. I’ve always worked in a big A4 sketchbook and I always will I think. I feel that my blog does not represent fully what the sketchbook is full of however I think I have accumulated the most relevant sections. The book itself is filled with all my ideas from the terrible ones to the ones I am actively pursuing. You can find pages from it in my blog.

I keep thinking of the things I would have done differently but I’ve truly had a break through this year by at least finishing the projects and learning to not become so obsessed with something that it leaves you stagnant. I wish I had more time to really explore and develop my work such as my moving image work, which is my main passion. I wish I could have really made something that ticked all the boxes but I did what I did with the best I had. Overall I have a lot to learn still and want to get better at my craft and I can’t wait to go on to the next year where I can hopefully really begin to flourish. I would have done a lotta things differently and I made a lot of mistakes. My ideas tend to go bigger than what I can actually practically pull off which I’m aware is a normal part of creating, especially in movies. As well as the feeling that what you make doesn’t 100 percent turn out how you wanted it to be, but I understand the process of learning from one project and moving on to the next one.  I tend to do things my way and am very persistent about that although I don’t feel this gets in the way of experimentation which I certainly did this year.

Photography

Three Studies of a Woman in the Sun. Three portraits of my friend and artist Katie Russell. Shot on a Canon 600D RAW I wanted to capture her identity through three images. The middle image you see in the three panels on my blog is her in a natural environment and utterly neutral. That one is relatively light feeling due the summers day behind her however she's looking off and something implies it’s more melancholy than the photo lets on. Perhaps the uplifting summer isn’t enough to hold her inner more negative emotions or that maybe the summer is no longer a good thing with it getting hotter and hotter each year. Maybe this isn’t a summer of celebration, but one of the end of the world. The bottom one is a real captured moment of her closing her eyes perhaps to imply her shyness in an industrial area, somewhere I often find comfort due to high containers and is generally aesthetically pleasing to me almost because of how not pleasing it is. The top one is how Katie would usually be and dress in her own environment, the lighting highlighting how she expresses herself through her own image. I like how the darkness is almost bleeding in around the edges of the photograph. I experimented with lighting a lot with this one and took several different photos that were the contender for the third portrait. Here, now she is herself, seems to project more confidence looking directly into the camera like this time the camera is invading HER space as oppose to the other ones where she’s almost apart of the scenery. Now she’s outta the sun she is the one who is shining. Notice how also she seems to fill up the frame more more the more comfortable she gets.

I missed my opportunity to use the photo studio or learn about it during the workshops or take some really good crafted photographs I feel but just like all my work I did the best with what I had. I really wish I could have learned to use black and white film. I also would have really liked to do something maybe more elaborate with costumes and big lights perhaps something more in line with Cindy Sherman however I would never pass up the opportunity for raw photography, which is my favourite kind. I consider raw photography to be as real as you can get it without too much manipulation of the subject and no manipulation once you’ve taken your photos. I enjoyed it although I don’t think photography is something I would do on a professional level. I enjoy taking photos a lot though.

Web Media

Web Media if defiantly my weakest part of the year. Not only do I find it frustrating and boring I have no interest in ever using websites to tell my stories or anything else unless it’s in the form of a kind of blog which I did do. I thought the narrative aspects of the module was interesting however web media is for sure not for me and I hope not to revisit it at any point. However I still had ideas and can appreciate how creative you can be with it. Originally I wanted re-tell the story of Odyssey through minimalist squares however that wasn’t really possible for me so I decided that it would be a chose your own adventure with a more artistic and low quality edge that would give it a pleasing aesthetic. This is the only project I really collaborated with someone on, having my friend to help me with the technical sides of coding however came up with the whole idea and development.

Moving Image

During film production I tend to take on every role including camera man, directing and sound and of course I always come up with the ideas, from script development to on the spot changes and ideas. Everything but being in front of the camera which I have even done as well. I consider filmmaking to be my main practice.

In addition to researching all the different roles the filmmaking process demands I also she a scene related to a bigger structure. On the scene from The Great Hydration War script that I wrote myself I did my best to make every shot tell us something. I played around a lot with power dynamic and it’s constantly changing. When our main character thinks they are in control the camera angle is low, making them seem large and powerful, but when the villain gets the upper hand you’ll see that they have the power. When they are both pointing guns at each other you’ll see that they’re both at the same level and share the power of the scene because it could go either way. Jazoor, the main character from the script, sees a figure. Unsure of who it is we see them in a wide, impersonal and unidentified. But when they stand up and Jazoor realises that it’s her twin from back on Earth. “It’s you!” Jazoor exclaims. With what she knows she gains the power to deal with the situation. She’s got this. However she’s flooded with doubt; “You sure?” Says the Dryborg, an evil futurist cyborg whose one weakness if water. The camera swoops up, leaving the character feeling vulnerable with no idea what kind of situation this is. Then she brings up her gun, bringing the power back to her. I did this throughout the entire scene and tried my best to make sure I was expressing the characters feelings and positions through the angles even though obviously it’s quite a non-sensical script and sort of ridiculous scene. I thought about the lighting as the scene was based on an alternate reality Earth in the past where the sun is blue so I made sure all of the scene were glowing in this blue light which I managed to do in post. As for the costumes me and my friend, who played the character, helped design it. I wanted something si-fi esque but obviously I had no budget and not a lot of time so I decided to try and take the comedic route and make it have more charm than actually trying to make the audience buy what was going on. The scene is a pivotal part of the larger structure and story and that I had written but the storyboards for the scene were in fact drawn before I wrote it.

For the scene I shot it on my trusty Canon 600D DSLR I’ve been using for many years. It’s trust worthy and takes footage so it works for me but I’d love to use something more professional and something closer to the industry standard. I like the cameras available at the university but sometimes its just much more practical to use your own camera but for the in coming year I really want to learn a different range of cameras and shoot on them. With more time and the same opportunity as other students I could of created something of a higher standard, perhaps something longer also.

Conclusion  

I feel like I could have done a lot better with all of my projects and made them to a better standard and quality and with more meaning if I had been more personally okay this year. I’m very passionate about my chosen subjects and like to think I’ve had several break throughs this year with my work. I am quite proud of some of the things I’ve created, particularly the ones I created for other modules, the short films Campussies! And HELLo. Everything I make has either not to do with politics or is anti-politics.

[journeywithaaron]

The End to the First Half of 2018

Alrighty, since I got my year-end review/bonus/tiny raise meeting this week, I figure I’d do an evaluation of where I’m at now in 2018 and where I want to be at the end of 2018. Fitness I’m going to include this category in my posts now whenever relevant since they are part of the quad-fecta of areas I’d like to work on.  In February, my peak weight was 140.35lbs with a body fat percentage of 27.0%.  As of today, my weight is at 125.40lbs with a body fat percentage of 22.0%. so I lost roughly 13-15lbs and 4-5% of body fat in 4 months.  That amounts to about 3lbs and 1% body fat per month.  I think that of all the goals that I’ve set for myself for the first half 2018, I was closest to meeting my fitness goal.  I had penned in to reach <125lbs at <20% body fat by the end of Q2 2018, so I was just short about half a pound and 2%.  It’s kinda nice to have shed off a bowling ball off my body, and it’s also pretty darn nice being able to fit back into your favorite suit.  But as we always said at Facebook, the journey is only 1% finished.  For the remainder of 2018, I’m aiming to reach 120lbs while being under 20% body fat.  I believe that to be the “healthy” range for me.  I’m waiting for my weight/body fat to plateau based on my running regiment, and when that happens, I plan to look into some weight fitness to strengthen my body to support the stupidly frail frame that I have.  I haven’t shed away with my favorite drinks and foods, but I have definitely started to eat in moderation.  For the most part, there are nights and afternoons where I have some crazy cravings, but fortunately due to my laziness, sleeping it off hasn’t been a problem.    No one has expressed to me that they’ve noticed, which is actually kinda surprisingly saddening.  I didn’t think of myself as someone who wanted to be validated.  But perhaps that speaks positively of how people view me...or negatively.  Depends I guess on how your life outlook.  Hah.  Overall, for the first half of 2018, I think I am most proud of myself for this category of work, and based off my habits so far, I’m relatively confident that I will meet my 2018 goal in this category. Music WE MADE IT!  The first ever KAMASOquartet live wedding gig has been performed.  There were a lot of unexpectedly difficult hurdles and obstacles, but I guess the wedding director appreciating our work means that we did something right, at least.  Haha.  Capping out that weekend was a day trip to San Jose to watch Joe Hisaishi--the man who pulled me from my rut in 2012--live.  I have to admit, that weekend was a very proud moment of this year.  For me at least, arranging is no easy feat.  I took 30 man hours to do Kiki’s, 20 for Totoro, 20 for Ponyo, and 10 for Country Road for a grand total of 80 hours to punch out 4 pieces.  If that was a full time job, that’s 4 songs in 2 weeks.  Since it was a after-work sorta deal, that ended up being roughly 2 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 8 weeks.  To me, that was a huge investment of time, especially on top of my fitness goals and desire to advance my career.  To get told that I don’t do anything and get jabbed lightly that I don’t hang out with them, I have to admit that I get slightly heated and annoyed.  I didn’t think myself to be someone who cared deeply about how I was viewed by my community, but this weekend of going back to what I’ve prided myself in in the past using sheets that came from my sweat and ears that I got to verify live in San Jose was a cathartic moment for myself where I got to say “in your face” to those who decided that my life was something that they wanted to be spectators of.  But people aside, the culmination of all my arrangement and practicing ended in a weekend was a magical moment in my heart, and I think this weekend will convince me that I treat my music hobby seriously for many weeks to come.  That said, the mid-year goal was indeed to write the arrangements for this wedding.  Originally, I was thinking of going gung-ho on music only until the gig, but the weekend has shown me a little, so I’ve decided to aim to finish my Ghibli Book by the end of 2018.  Originally I was fretting over copyrights and whatnot, but if I do this as a private project and not as something to sell and profit off, I think it will be ok.  I think it’s a little ambitious, because that amounts to roughly 2 songs per month, which if I can do one in 20 hours, would be 2 hours a per weekday, or 5 hours per weekend day.  I also hope to (finally) set up a website for this stuff.  Granted I can’t publish anything really unless it’s my original compositions, but I guess having that site up and resources readily available to plug myself into weddings would be a nice source of finding opportunities to exercise this hobby.  Who knows, maybe all this will eventually show me that I can do away with engineering for the rest of my life.  Hah... Career And the worst for last.  Ah, what a bubbly failure this one ended up being.  Exactly one week ago, I boarded Cathay Pacific with two full sized luggages, one backpack, and one carry on suitcase after completing my Master’s in HK.  On this day exactly, I was sitting in my ex-managers office, interviewing for the position I am in.  In that interview, he expressed to me that he worries that this job would be too boring for me, that it wouldn’t be challenging enough.  I responded that the company deals with something that I am interested in, and if I found that this position was too boring, I would love to switch over to a role where I can be a bigger contributor.  When I said that, I meant that I wanted to end up in software development.  He replied that our department wants focals to work at least a year in their position before switching over.  When I accepted this position, in the back of my mind, I was already thinking about ways to switch over.  One year has passed since then, and a lot of the initial conditions have been changed, but one year later, I can confidently say I am not much closer to software engineering than I was the day I accepted the position.  I can’t walk into any interview room confident in my ability to write code or to evaluate code.  My resume doesn’t reflect the ability to code, and as time keeps going on, my resume will slowly shoehorn me into a deep career of test engineering.  It’s a field that can pay well, but it is definitely the field that tends to get bullied a lot.  Again, after the one-year, and half-year commitments, I expressed a desire but didn’t jump in deep enough to get any closer to my desire. But you know, fall 6 times, get up 6 times.  As long as I continue to respond to my guilt and disappointment with reinvigorated passion, I think in time, whether 6 months or 5 years, I’ll one day find the strength and determination to make a strong jump backwards into the career line that’s next to me.  So for the remainder of 2018, I hope to be able to put myself in a position to apply to entry level software engineering roles by fall.  That means, for this summer, I hope to finish two specializations (Java and Algorithms) on Coursera, finish out 30 days of code on HackerRank, create a health app, write more scripts at work, and develop a mini mobile game.  Quite a loaded summer, but the hope is that by the start of 2019, when someone asks “can you code?” I can confidently reply with “yes I can.”  Hopefully this past half-year is the last time I have to fall over. Final Half-Year Review Remarks Whew I’m back to my wall of text tendencies.  When I graduated from UCI in 2015, I looked back at the 5 years of college that I had and thought “man that is the fastest I will ever grow, and now growing will slow down.”  And I was wrong, because in some aspects, I felt like I’ve shrunk, actually.  I think that since graduation, my pride and bitterness have spiraled into something that is dangerously hard to control.  The part of me that declares goals and doesn’t take action is still present, and a new desire to be viewed by my community in a certain way has manifested itself out of nowhere.  While I highly value peace and balance, I think a lot of the negative aspects of who I am now crept up from tilting too far into the peace side of things, which became more like lethargy than peace.  I guess, then, the abrasive community that I find myself in now was right in calling me out.  I believe that in the past half-year, I did accomplish many things that I have not accomplished before--tanking my weight down a bowling ball and pumping 4 arrangements that I actually don’t want to burn.  But for me to match what I declare to dream to be requires even more work than what I think to be my personal limit.  The upcoming half-year, I hope to find out whether or not this limit is the actual limit, or just a mental block that I put on myself to allow myself to continue to dwell in those negative aspects of my personality.  Of course, the hope is that I can break the limit and combat my negative tendencies, but I do have a tendency to fail quite spectacularly.  But that’s ok, as we also said back at Facebook.  Fail fast, fail harder.  Hopefully the next report in will show signs of more action.  Not a bad first half of the year, but let’s use both the negatives and positives to motivate ourselves into finishing the year strong!

[drewkatchen]

That’s great it starts with an earthquake/Birds and snakes, and aeroplanes

Years ago, another lifetime now, when college was cruel and began wrapping up on me and when that dreaded C-word of career loomed just on the horizon, waiting to deliver me a full, bitter slap, I wrote a short story. In between the drinking and dancing and panicking. And the story began with the above lyrics, an evocative staccato string of beautiful nonsense. Not for class nor peer review, the story was mostly for me, some self-indulgence to wile away time and take the edge off graduation and knowing that life would be upended for good in a matter of weeks. The drama.

Just a few double-spaced pages printed and basically a glorified diary entry, my little piece to my surprise turned out to be entirely concerned with another molting period, one from years before: a fateful summer at the beach when I left behind adolescence and swam upstream a bit to become a hapless teenager. Why that subject and why then? Where was this even coming from? I think the theory isn’t a beautiful one, to be honest. It has everything to do with the near total breakdown of the relationship I had with my family, the one institution I thought was always there for me, one in which I believed I could find endless succor. That bond basically evaporated when I was still in school, and now I was clinging to something, turning over stones, hoping that my entire narrative wasn’t built just on pain.

---

When I think about that time in college, four years at a massive state school in South Carolina, I think I was a good student in an alright student’s body. But like friends of mine, I relished the life mostly for the freedom it finally granted me, an illusion of freedom of course, because I was still chained to my parents’ finances, but a liberated feeling I hadn’t previously experienced. All-night study sessions and paper writing were fine, but it was all to maintain an average to keep everything afloat. There was no big plan beyond that. School was a puzzle that didn’t always lead to a coherent picture, but still I plugged away. With friends in abundance and a hundred miles between me and home, gone was the paranoia and hiding and in came a real sense of possibility, an unclenching and looseness that was both intoxicating and discomfiting just given my inability to know what to do with it. I was a kid about town. The ability to socialize at whim, whenever with whomever, proved transformative, turning me for the first time, I think, into a real person. It was a concept wholly foreign to me, and it was something I needed...badly.

In all that, I also knew that words did it for me, so I experimented with them, whether it was in Lit class or in my journal. Really, I didn’t see any future for myself in academia, and often discussion classes and research papers proved something of a challenge to my attention span. But honestly the only thing I believed I knew how to do was write, even if what I was pumping out was unadulterated dreck. And, it was mostly that. Well-intentioned, but naive. I also don’t think I harbored any real delusions about being an actual writer because I also knew them and they were my age and already published, but I understood that I liked trying to organize my thoughts on paper, something I’d been doing since I self-published my own magazines in high school. Lamentable journal entries about life really not yet lived and gaunt poems ripping off E.E. Cummings or Yeats were the few weapons in my expository arsenal back then. And I had no money and everyone was in their own state of panic leading up to finals and graduation, so what else to do but mope in the park and haunt campus cafes at night? I was a cliche, and I was alone, but I was my own cliche to make better or worse.

So I kept at it. And in this story that tumbled out, I guess I wanted to know how I felt in my twenties about one formative experience -- less an experience and more an impression, really -- and why did I think about it at all. What did it mean to me? What would have happened if the world were a bit different? Was there any part of me now that held any resemblance to that sad kid? When the story was done, I remember feeling like it was the first thing I’d written that wasn’t total crap; it was a lived moment albeit embellished a bit, and it kinda leapt off the page to my surprise. At least it did to me. In a fit of rare confidence, I showed the story to a professor friend of mine, who seemed to not mind my musings; he offered ideas on gussying it up a bit in the interest of maybe getting it published in a small quarterly. That never happened, but the idea that he didn’t dismiss it out of pocket was encouraging. It was nice to have some minor recognition for some honest soul mining. Maybe I was more astute in school than I thought.

So now, in 2017, with my youth wholly in the rear view, I’ve been thinking about this one story again -- or the time captured in the story -- and its place in my life. As a student and immediately after, I pushed out into the world very few pieces of fiction. It just wasn’t my strength and I knew it, but did this qualify as fiction since it cut so close? I didn’t know. And little of what I wrote back then had to do with coming out of the closet or even just an awareness of who I was becoming, because I came out young, to friends mostly, and I didn’t have time for reflection because much of that time had to do with real pain and shame. It’s a story many of us tell, unfortunately. To be sure, there was great friendship and acceptance in that period of middle school and high school, but there was fear in abundance too along with a whole lot of hiding and nary a relationship. That would have been impossible.

College is such a time long gone, and I really don’t know what happened to the story because I never backed it up or saved it, maybe on purpose or maybe it’s just because that hard disk is gone for good. I can’t even find one of the versions I printed. All I can do is ruminate on it without having the exact copy to discover again.

There is very little I can look back on from that time -- from being in classes, the trenches -- that I can say is enduring in any way or really defining of who I was and who I became. The friendships, sure. I have those. But the work? Where is the work? I cherish my plaque from a poetry award I once won in 1998, the Havilah Babcock Poetry Contest Award, but I also marvel at it given I never went on to an esteemed poetry career. There’s a lot of didn’t and a lot of never so far, but that isn’t the point. I’m still here and still writing in my way. And it took me years to know who Havilah Babcock was.

I also have this story that no longer exists in any real way, but I know I was proud of it, and I know that it was one of the first times I was truly onto something. And for the most part, I remember exactly what it said and what it felt like to write it. I remember the feeling of liking someone and what that meant.

---

“Duck, North Carolina is the northernmost incorporated town in Dare County and the Outer Banks' newest town, incorporated on May 1, 2002,” according to the town’s Wikipedia entry. The area is only 3.72 square miles, and in the off-season has a scant 369 residents, according to the 2010 census. In the summers, the time I used to show up, pale and doughy with my walkman and boogie board, the population swells to over 20,000. 

For a few years spanning the late-eighties into the nineties, my parents and family friends were part of that coastal vacation migration, a whole congregation of minivans, aerobics Reeboks and Hawaiian Tropic headed to a tiny spit of land and the vast sea. For us, there was no other vacation spot. And Duck was truly for the adults -- the place you went because you had a bit more money now and it was near enough to bustling Nags Head but also far enough away for you to enjoy an unspoiled beach in a quiet hamlet of summer renters without the massive crowds. It was scenic and calm, but as a kid I wanted action. If Nags Head was Lost Boys then Duck was The Big Chill or something equally droll. Not cool. I wanted water slides and spray paint and roving gangs of skater kids hanging out in 7-11 parking lots, so genteel Duck didn’t suit me. For my mom, it gave her the chance to plug back in with the relatives she’d left behind years before when we beat a path out of our New Jersey motherland. Two weeks of kvetching and guilt over white Zin and snapping peas, basically. 

“Because she’s crazy,” my mom in the galley kitchen, talking to my godmother about some other lady while fussing over cucumber chunks for a salad in one of those big wooden bowls. My godmother fidgeting with a pack of cards and watching over her child. That sort of thing.

“She is, Jo, but she’s still your mother.”

It was mostly hell, each day the same dodging of tasks and running to the water to escape breaking bread with the weird adult friends of parents, most of whom regarded me the way they would a curious fungus. “So he likes what kind of music again? He doesn’t play sports?,” their curled faces said. If I didn’t escape before my younger brothers noticed -- they saw me as their permanent source of entertainment -- and got their claws in, I’d end up being the jungle gym for the day. As a kid, not being in lockstep with parents -- together a real picture of upper middle class vim and vigor who seemed to believe in Don Henley, Fresca and George Bush -- meant I was more the pasty boarder with a bad attitude, ready to run off and roadie for Black Flag or any band, real or not, that would have me. This extended to vacations. Punk cassettes and my skateboard magazines were my sports and toys, and I didn’t want to be harassed about being part of the family. I was crying for help, and I believed Youth of Today and Rollins heard my call. I was waiting for the van to pull up at any minute.

In Duck, there were a million kids all breathing the same humid, briny air. Armies of gawky adolescent expats were hopped up on snack cakes, and they roamed the dunes in Panama Jack and Ron Jon gear. They came from the vanilla burbs of Delaware or Pennsylvania or if they were really exotic Ontario, a location I probably thought was off the planet somewhere. I mostly observed. Some were more adaptable, luxuriating in their time away from lawn cutting and swim meets as they body-surfed with their lithe parents and jocular siblings and new friends. They showed off their orthodontic elastics without care while singing along to Huey Lewis or Boss tunes on the boom boxes. Every dad the suburban Tom Selleck and every mom a round-the-way Basinger or Roseanne in a sun visor. Everyone tanned and every parent chased after their babies on the sand. And while I did cherish my Morey Mach 7-7 yellow boogie board (classic) and the surf, others were more like me, making the best of it alone with music or they somehow bonded with other misanthropic kids in close proximity to their sprawling, sun-baked beach manse.

Why so surly? I just was.

Then I met someone.

Jason landed in my orbit that summer, but I’m unsure of how, only that he did. Twenty years removed, he’s little more than a mop of curly brown hair and long, sunburnt legs, but I remember well his sun-kissed essence. He was from Connecticut, of course, seemed to be for want of little and he’d already been there for a week and was set to head back not long I arrived. Just my luck. Tall, wiry and adept at scoring baskets off an uncoordinated me on his driveway’s basketball hoop, Jason was one of the kids I described above: No edge, no ax to grind. Just unaffected calm and cool, neither jock nor Robert Smith devotee, likely able to walk a high school hallway and nod to the quarterbacks and skaters without fear of reprisal. How we linked up for a few days has everything to do with the heady social experiment that was a transient beach community: This wasn’t dry land with the normal players in your world, so normal prying eyes wouldn’t know and you could be best pals for a week with someone you’d never see again, someone you might put in a headlock were you back in the real world. These bonds could be like taking a lesser date to a restaurant no one knows. To call it a friendship would be a misnomer, because maybe I knew him for less than a week, but for me, there was something profound in those few days.

On his deck we ate cheese sandwiches and chips with sand in between our toes. His mom offered us Capri Suns, and I enjoyed their artificial sweetness. His muscles glowed in the afternoon light.

---

“Show me what you can do on your skateboard,” I remember him saying in my driveway, pointing to my kicknose set-up. As a student of Jason Lee and Matt Hensley you know I ollied my early-nineties Gonz deck with aplomb over a large trash can, careful to avoid pooled rainwater and sand, and then I rolled into a railslide on one of the nearby benches before offering him a quick streetplant as a nod to my eighties roots. 

Right.

Really all I probably did was do a two-inch high ollie and a wan shove-it before getting winded and stopping. "Nevermind. What kind of tapes did you bring?,” he laughed good-naturedly at my technique.

Here was my time to shine. 

“If you haven’t heard the first Sepultura record, it’s so cool and crazy, you have to check it out. Look at the cover, man, it’s so scary. I got my M.O.D. tape and my S.O.D. tape and Anthrax and Metallica and WarZone and fIREHOSE.” I was really laying it on thick, convinced that I was impressing him with my vast knowledge of the most cutting edge extreme music. “I like punk and hardcore a lot.”

“Oh that’s cool. I’m really into the last two R.E.M. tapes,” he said while just kinda glancing at the prized collection in my duffel bag, not bored but not turned on either by my superior taste. Years later, I know what he meant by that was he liked Document and he liked Green, two era-defining alternative albums if there ever were any. Of course, I was a kid with a television and a radio, so ‘The One I Love’ and ‘It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" were everywhere and anywhere. Did I love them, too? I think so. It seemed more real than Pat Benatar or Madonna but less direct than Minor Threat, so maybe I didn’t hate it. I could learn to be into it.

I realize, there’s a lot of build up to this, but Jason is little more than a plot device in my larger narrative. Prior to him, I would look at Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark and have vague rumblings of a feeling. Jason collided with my life as my body began waking up. Somewhere beyond this sandy idyll, hard-nosed activists were marching on city avenues because they were dying and their friends had died and because city governments overturned ordinances and the federal government wasn’t helping. They were fighting Jesse Helms and Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and the right to be in hospital rooms with their spouses. My parents were likely having very private conversations about my future, but I was spared from them. That summer, as a little kid on the Outer Banks, it was nuclear families as far as the eye could see, white ones mostly. I didn’t know then about religion and laws and organized efforts to draw boundaries around my being, but I felt the fruits of their labor locking me down, halting any natural inclination I may have had to reach for something. Those few days that summer, I could do little more than look at Jason with a true awareness in my heart, in my gut and simply wonder, wonder with my sweaty hands in my pockets and my mouth sewn up. I didn’t know in total what the awareness was, but I also knew in total what the awareness was, and I knew it would stay buried for years if not for my entire life. If he sensed anything, one ounce of feeling in my pleading eyes, he didn’t let on. Would my life be hell?

---

“What’s this guy saying? I don’t get it.”

“All I know is ‘Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, BOOM’ and you got me on the rest. It doesn’t matter, man. It’s a good song,” Jason told me plainly as the cassette was blaring out of a boom box. I think his sister was with us, thumbing a magazine. He was doing pull ups on a deck beam, the humidity causing his head to dampen. It was early evening, and he was leaving tomorrow. The family was grilling burgers and dogs.

“I could come visit you sometime. My grandparents live in New Jersey, and it’s not far from you. It would be fun.”

As fast as it came out, I regretted it. Boys didn’t offer to go visit other boys, you dummy. It was my heart talking, and besides, even if I wanted to visit, who would take a fourteen-year-old to visit a strange kid hours away. I could tell he didn’t think much of the idea, and he just shrugged and kept focusing on increasing his upper-body strength. The brief reverie had passed. As a last ditch measure, I gave him my address in the hope we’d stay pen pals.

A short stretch of road, sheltered by live oaks and dotted with crape myrtles, separated Jason’s house from mine, and I knew it was time to be going. If I looked away from the ocean, slightly to the right, I could see the light on in our rental living room. My stomach doing cartwheels and my heart racing, but it was time to go. Jason and I shook on it. You know the rest.

And I feeeeellll fine (no you don’t)/And I feeeelll fine (really, you don’t)/It’s tiiimmee I had some tiiimme alone (no it isn’t)

The singer of R.E.M. (didn’t know his name at fourteen), sounded nervous and jittery and scared just like me. It sounded like he well understood longing. Did he know someone like Jason? 

I pictured myself singing at Jason and him understanding and feeling the same way.

--

So to pull back and end things, when I wrote about this in college, the words just fell out of me, as if they’d been bottled in a cellar and were ready to air out. That first feeling of some type of attraction, the quiet realization and maybe panic that I knew I was attracted to another boy, the feeling as if my chest were bursting. All of that is too much for any kid; just processing the new hormones in your body during puberty is enough but adding the weight of being gay and the pressure to keep it hidden from your family. That’s enough to drive anyone crazy, and I think it did drive me crazy. I wanted to convey all of that. It felt like the world was ending and beginning again because even though before meeting Jason I had felt something, I never had a crush until then. 

At the age of forty, there are no barriers of that regard in my life. I’m happily married; my parents attended my wedding. They bought bottles of champagne and glasses for drinking. But I’ll never again get an adolescence, and like many LGBT folk of a certain age, it’s now mine to dream about what an unencumbered youth would have looked like because that’s all I can do if and when I choose. If I didn’t have to misapply affection to male friends who couldn’t reciprocate. If I didn’t have to only think of romance in terms of Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court. If being open weren’t just tolerated, but nourished, understood and cherished. I didn’t have that with Jason or with any other kid my age.

But in the version of my short story, the one I wrote when graduating, the hero left Jason’s porch, but then he said ‘fuck it’ and turned around in the middle of the lawn, alighted the beach house stairs and grabbed the damn guy’s hand and kissed his cheek. And nothing bad happened.

It was the end of the world, and it had a happy conclusion. Did R.E.M. have a song for that?

----

It’s hilarious to admit now, but I don’t think I realized in college that the song’s chorus was a metaphor so glaring, it’s as if it were a locomotive coming right at me: It was the end of my world as I knew it; student life, the only thing I’d known for twenty-two years, was officially over and everything else that wasn’t campuses, classes and books was ahead of me, looming big and scarily. But at that age, I really didn’t have much capacity for self-awareness; I had only just started grappling with my past and with my family, and this story was a first step in learning about myself