#i kept telling myself every new year that my new years resolution is to learn photoshop so i might start using photoshop from now on :)

[drabsyo]

trying photoshop, sketched some fleurmione 💙

[captainkurosolaire]

Resolute Once More, Forever Lastly.

Heading back to create a lot of writing and stories this year throughout. Return to what foremost matters. But within every New Year resides a newly grown sprout of light; hope. However intense we set our resolutions and tough forth with action is how well that hope blossoms into something worthy enough for memories... What I'm setting myself too is simple, but altering to my essence.

Now officially, a decade ago, upon this time. I endured my meant trial a very close touch to death. Young and not determining value yet, I threw myself numerously towards surgeries and just carelessly towards the voices that were experts in treating me for the better, and while true. Every-time I seemingly fearlessly showed while others were frightful of mere needles, I turned blank like stone, uncaring letting my life become the epitome of waves. Hell, I never used my voice even towards what mattered, spoke out, for myself before that time. I was just a simple-minded creature that lives off only habit.

But at the same time all that happened and I was in my critical state only relying on hearing what my surroundings brought. Graced by potent dreams brought on by some powerful painful medicine. I still felt my soul, linger. I heard and felt, every day even when my eyes could not open or my body wasn't in my control, the noise warped my realities and nothing felt, real as it wasn't, but was. There was no way, I couldn't bring up in my mind, was this it? And that is where and when, everything flashes. Confronted what fulfilling things you brought in your time alive? I knew for one thing wasn't definitely, not enough. So why didn't I fight, be tougher, challenge myself, explore, think. To accept death isn't brave not when you can still run marathons. I survived. Told myself I would never again place myself into that position when I awoke and could finally rise to a daybreak, I would hold against myself more. Reinvent, discover, figure out what drives me, challenge, I would tangle and wrestle life itself, cause it wasn't ever going to slip against me. Long as I drew breathe from lungs. In almost the same vain, when I couldn't find value within his own life. A friend who had life's endless potential, accolades, credentials, smart, the type of smile that warmed a whole school, avid wrestler too, just easily liked. Unforeseeable, accidentally and most definitely could been evaded died around when I was recovering and emerging. Two opposing spectrum's, stances. Took that personal, harder than seemingly anyone, just because it was practically a brother, a first friend who saw and knew me beforehand, type you never forget, someone you clung and loved quite simply. So now I get to thrive and before I even jogged out, I now had to collect myself again. Many avenues, paths, could've taken. I could've slipped just gave up found myself quickly back where I started... but instead I spit in the eyes of fate and stubbornly, said I will live a life worth two, or as many as it takes to make up for it, I forced my eyelids open to the light, even when all the power was turned off! I turned my entire soul into a pledged tribute. And that made me rise against being shy easily, to become more engaging, even when I was told to rest, I kept going until I strained myself continuously back to hospital visits, in heaps of pain, but never once undetermined. Took up writing and never looked back, threw and went against pills, never wanting it to be a new way I was defined, or have some excuse so I invented my own cure, what better place, to live many lifetime's over, but to create them? To build them and aim to make them raw. Lead to writing, I could express and be myself, showcase parts of me and be my voice as much as needed, learn and acquire everything I lacked previously. Often we become the stories we tell ourselves. It awakens and alerts us to parts we never subconsciously had deep meaning or connected. There is a bountiful and lifetime amount of stories I have yet to write and to create, dramatics, fights, ups and downs, to dabble into things not in my nature or character, that doesn't discern someone like me. Because writing, no... creating is to know the existence of infinity. Might be asked why I spilled and always go into such elaborate lengths into everything I do. Now in days, if want people to know your story, it's say it under less than ten words. But that's not me. If you understand anything from why I am, who I am. You'd know I think and reflect deeply, I put "why, where and what" after each thought. I risk the damages of knowing those three words, into everything. Every year that changes, is a new beginning. It's only natural and spirit, I reflect on previously, and seek to aim for something new. After a decade of the garden I made. Being someone stubborn always punishing himself, forcing himself into challenges, being hard if I couldn't succeed, no matter what effort I put into, I made myself the grandest mental antagonist, villain in any story, a critic that destroys. Why sure, destruction can often lead you to admire what's left in the aftermath you created. Can't forget what destruction really means. So with it all being laid out. I'm doing something wild. I'm betting, gambling on myself. For once I'm not out to punish, challenge myself to something artificial, to force me to live the fullest. But something much grandeur. I want to live for a happiness for myself. See to really let yourself live for happiness outweighs everything else and that I believe is really what value really is. No matter how smart or massive it may be, or shape and size, if you give it importance, it becomes just that. Silly taken me this long to finally do that for myself and like when I did the XIVWrite to that Tribute my passed Friend, I can now dedicate forever and now on to tribute myself while still many times over. But this was a journey I had to undergo, writing and creating took me on this amazing path here. Met some outstanding people to call friends and mutual-alike, met crucial people that impacted me and sharpened me. Sorry for the blog post but you know, it's a blog I’m old school and lay it all on the table. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moving on to content and ongoing things forth. I spent last year restraining myself and limiting myself a lot so I could make myself truly thirst and understand what is important and writing has never ached more to do. So throughout year, I got a small goal to just throw some chapters out, sixty would be a sick number, but let's not break this resolution. Getting refresh with somethings for the next week or so, try getting myself polished on some stuff for the Budokai 3 showdown. It's going to be the continuation of these works below, chronologically listed.

1. Parley of the Oceans

2. Give Up Butterfly

3. Genesis

Ideally I have the actual Fight, chopped into seven chapters for a full-on week, soon. Working on condensing stories into one chapters, or just a lot less, going forward. But eventually I can begin the dramatic story-telling and really exploring a whole roster of characters... O_O I've got a lot in-store but this makes me come alive above many things. Got some gut-wrenching feuds, some epic showdowns, war uprising, most anticipating is actually a pirate custom-made sport, next best thing since Blitzball in this universe, I conjured. xD That I really want to get to in the story-timeline. 5v5 of a ton of characters to figure out how I can spoof them up for their debuts. Somehow, unfathomably made it this far down. Thanks, means a lot to have some supporters and even those I admire to give me inspiration to not just create for myself but also create as large I possibly can so that it may matter for others too. That right there is stupendously valuable to me. Cheers hearties and even my lurking enemies!

[diaryofanormalkid]

Me while I’ve been going through this Daniel Fast. It’s day 13 and I intend to keep going until God says stop or until I reach the 21 days. Whichever comes sooner.

Who would’ve thought though? Not me! I told myself a few days before I was intending to start that I wasn’t going to do it right now bc I didn’t feel ready. I didn’t feel prepared since I’ve never done it before.

And then last minute, I went grocery shopping and literally changed my mind bc I felt the urge so strongly from the Holy Spirit. So I just committed, telling myself I’ll do 7 days and give myself grace.

But now look, here I am 13 days in and I’m so glad I made the choice to do it. I couldn’t have even imagined it would be this much of a success as well as that I’d be able to last this long! It’s amazing

I feel like He’ll just end up helping me to push through the entire 21 days! This second week has been much easier to navigate than the first week. As far as the spiritual and meal prepping goes.

I’ve been really enjoying my meals I’ve been making as of recent, so it makes me believe I’ll be able to keep it up and remain in sustenance until I’m done the fast. This fast has been life changing!

And I knew the Holy Spirit was calling me to do it for a while, but now was when it felt like perfect timing! I feel like so many sources were influencing me to want to do this Daniel fast:

1) both my churches were taking part in the Daniel fast also. This time of year my old church always did the Daniel fast, so I was looking out for when they were going to post it.

2) I kept seeing YouTube recommendations about meals to make and tips on how to prepare, as well as being intentional about what to pray about

3) I had intentions of cooking new recipes weekly where I explore things I’ve wanted to make for a long time, including some vegan/vegetarian options. And because I already had them saved for a while, this was my excuse to get to try making them!

But overall, even though my Daniel fast still isn’t over, I’ve gained so much and have seen so many shifts happening. Like God has literally reached/touched every single aspect of my life tremendously!

Literally pretty much every single thing I’ve wrote down on my New Years resolution list has been either changed for the better or touched on in this fast! The ones I haven’t changed have been time sensitive etc.

But God is SO good! Bc I knew he wanted me to gain some big things from this fast. But I also have been supernaturally getting to learn about Him and have my mind and heart completely transformed!

It’s the first time I’ve ever felt like a new creation completely renewed in Christ. Like I actually believe the lyrics that I always sing about redemption, freedom, salvation, sanctification, transformation, renewal, righteousness and being chosen!

Every gospel and Christian song is ALIVE in me and makes me feel the fullness of God’s love and feel whole. When I read the Bible, it’s ALIVE! It hits so much differently now bc I can understand to full capacity!

And God really feeds me my spiritual manna when I read the Bible! Like for the first time in my life I can say confidently that I’ve felt what it’s like to be fed the word of God!

Not only that, God has kept me! He gave me strength this entire time, regardless of how little sleep I was getting! And trust, ya girl has been getting so little sleep and going to bed so late.

I think one night I must’ve slept like 2 hours and I had so much energy like never before! On top of that, I had the best day at work. I was performing amazing and I wasn’t my normal, clumsy self!

Because when I’m tired, I make a lot of mistakes for the most part. But I remember that day being such smooth sailing and God keeping my strength the whole time without caffeine!

And it didn’t happen once, it happened the next day again! I literally got up and started reading my word immediately and God is good I slept for probably 3 hours that night and he kept me the whole day!

I went without eating a single thing until 6:45pm! And I went a full 17 and a half hours without feeling tired until I went to bed, running on only the 3 hours. And I still went to bed very late!

But he really kept me. Holy Spirit was really on X games mode bc I have never felt so strong after doing that many things in a day! I ran probably every errand known to man that day!

On top of, the fact that I probably spent like 6-7 hours reading my word and in prayer and fasting. That was the highlight of my Daniel fast thus far! This past week has been fantastic if I’m being real!

And I can’t even believe how instead of striving like I thought was going to, God has made this Daniel fast fly by and feel like a breeze! I’m enjoying my meals, he’s giving me strength, I am growing spiritually!

It’s all so good! Glory to God for His amazing hand at play! I love Him, I truly do! By the end of the fast, I’ll probably come back to this post to give updates about how the rest of it went!

I’m looking forward to seeing how the next week goes and how I close out!

[wolpatinga]

avant le gris, le monde

yea no one's gonna see this or ask about it so i can basically put whatever here

these are all sourced from my own friend/family photos. all the people who've abandoned me. who i've abandoned. and so on. i'm a piece of shit, i know

i miss people. i miss myself. no one in those photos still talks to me except me. not even Heart talks to me anymore. Mind came and went, but it's been painfully empty up here with the new meds. and when they come back, they come back screaming in the twilight and the dawn, begging not to be suppressed. begging not to die

and so i built for them a little game. a war, if you will. a labrynth maze for these would-be murderers to go about their business until i right their wrongs. one way or another i'll right my wrongs

heart is mister moon here because his eyes are moons. mind, a dragon, sunbathes often, hence he's mister sun. these names predate my invention and intervention, but fit well. and soul, soul... mind sees him as the stars, as a distant version of himself, bright all the same. heart, likewise, sees him as made of the same things, but a domineering twin, a lover too long gone. both are right, or will be right, in time

i set a boundary in my mind. heart and mind can duke it out, supervised by my younger self, my soul, and outside is my domain. that beach is my dominion, and here i come in times of crisis. here i lay down my burdens. see them there, when i vivisected them and left them behind on that beach. see how joyful they were, before they realized my plan

memory loss is the next step. without real time, their connections to me faded, their connections to reality faded. heart remained tethered, somehow, but mind completely fell, and soul i have to wipe on every loop. it pains me to douse him in lethian waters, but he's too powerful otherwise

i do have a failsafe, should they learn the truth, one that will occupy them until i can reset them again. there in that crude facsimile of reality, i am LORD. not soul, certainly not mind, but myself

years ago, there was myself. and then there was heart. and the two of us were... good. all was good. i mean, it was shit, and people fucking hated us, and we wanted to die, but heart was good to me. and so i put us on that mental beach, a place to relax the mind, and ensnare the senses. ages 8-13

mind came after. there was the things i were, and the things i needed to be, and he kept heart in check. kept my tongue still. kept me away from others and got things done. and i respect that. he was never so much a friend of mine than a tool, but he and heart had... a connection. i stayed out of it, and still do. ages 13-17

soul came with the big T dreamword. the one i won't say. he's stuck there, he's still that kid i failed, and am still failing. i left him with heart and mind, in my head, to keep things simple. and i built the house for them, and gave them a small arena to play in. i didn't tell them for it to be a war, just that when they were done, to go back into stasis. or rather, i only told them to find a resolution, the stasis was compulsory. and there they play, in that endless loop. it was never about 'finding who was right for me', it was about keeping them silent

[diamondshapedcat]

I'm too used to being inside my own head. Too used to being by myself and telling myself that everything's fine. But it's not fine, hasn't been for a long time. I kept ignoring the problems until they were too much to handle. At first it was 'I can do this!' then it was 'If I put a bit of effort in I can do it!' 'Todays rough but I can push on' 'Gotta keep going, can't stop now' 'I'm tired but I can still do this' 'Hold it together one day more' until finally it was 'Keep my head above water, that's all I can do'

And I could keep going, I could keep going through anything no matter what. But it would destroy me in the process. I've gone too far on my own and I feel like I'm nothing more than a zombie dressed in tattered rags, using all my energy just to move forward.

One of my new years resolutions was to be braver. And so I'm going to do something really brave, something I've been to afraid to do.

I'm going to reach out to others for help.

I've spent too much of life hiding from the world and it's messed me up in the head. There's a difference between a autistic introvert and borderline paranoid recluse who's too afraid to even acknowledge anything about their own existence in case someone tries to use that info to hurt them. For too long I lived with the thought that I had to hide everything about me because I thought that I couldn't trust anyone in this world. The truth is, I never had anyone there who I could open up to. My parents are........ emotionally clueless, not evil just stupid. They grew in a different time and I'm 90% they are both neurodivergent to some degree so they aren't good role models for social interactions.

Because of their poor understandings of emotions and personal space, I've grew up having to hide my feelings completely inside and every time I felt like I could be emotionally vulnerable, I was always on edge, ready to jump into a rage at any moment. If I showed a weakness, even for a second, I had to be ready to defend myself. Now I know there's only so much I can do on my own but it's been too long since I opened up and I think I've forgotten how to be a person. I want to open up without that learned instinct to shut everyone out and attack anyone who tries.

I want to open my heart up and let someone touch it, feel it's pain and show it some love, but without every bone in my body expecting the worst and imagining knives being plunged into my heart before an iron fist crushes it.

I've forgotten how to be kind to myself, how to manage my feelings and I obsessed over having to do everything by myself without trusting others. I hurt myself inside by not trusting people, I went through difficult times that no one should do alone and I don't know how I'm going to fix this.

When I reach out I don't really know what I'm doing so please be kind and show me that I was wrong. Show me that there are more kind, caring people in this world that I could ever have hoped for, and that they really do want good things to happen to me.

[treadmilltreats]

Don't make New Year's resolutions, make life resolutions

Every year, we all make New Year's resolutions. We vow to go to the gym more, eat right, make more money, and do the things we should be doing already but aren't. Us gym rats know that the gym is packed the first month of the year, but by the last week in January, not so much. By the second week in February, it's just us die-hards that are in there again.

So why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we make these resolutions only to break them and then make ourselves feel bad? Nine years ago, I decided I wasn't going to make any more resolutions. I was going to make life resolutions to do something to change who I was as a person inside.

These have been my life resolutions that have literally changed my life.

2014 was: Let go and let God

This meant I couldn't control everything. I couldn't figure out all of my problems, so if I wanted to change my life, I had to let go of control and give it to God. See, God kept giving me messages, but I thought I knew better. This was a game changer for me.

2015 was: Pray and let God worry

I remember while I was getting divorced, I was stressing so much that I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep and my hair was falling out. I even thought I was having a heart attack at one point. I couldn't go on believing in God and keep stressing. It didn't make sense, did I believe it or not? Do I have faith or not? So I chose to pray and let God worry, and that was the best decision I ever made.

2016 was: Be present in my purpose

I know I am here for a purpose. I know God gave me this gift of writing to be able to touch others with my words. So, in 2016, I chose to be present in that purpose and know that this is where I am supposed to be.

My bible verse has always been: Romans 8.28

"God causes everything to happen for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them"

I have been present in this verse and in my life ever since.

2017 was: Be real to yourself

For me, it's listening to that voice inside yourself. It's feeling what makes you happy, trusting what God is telling you, and what is real. We often poo poo things in our minds. We know deep down what the message is, but we don't want to listen.

I heard the messages, and I have acted quickly on them as I now trust God and my intuition. This was a hard one for me, and sometimes I reverted into my old ways, but since this resolution, I have been quicker to learn my lessons and move on.

2018: Knowing your self-worth.

This was also a hard one for me, as I've lost my self-worth a long time ago and hadn't gotten it back. I used to let men use me. I'd run after men who aren't worth my time. I've made excuses for bad behavior of people and given way too many chances to people who've hurt me.

I had to practice what I preached, the things I write about to my readers. I needed to show others how to treat me, with love and respect, and if not, then you're outta here. I now know my self-worth, and it's a wonderful feeling.

2019: To realize that I am a soldier.

I had to realize that God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and that's me. Whether I want it or not, this is who he called me to be. This is so I can share my testimony with others.

2020 was to be happy within myself.

It doesn't matter what people say, whether they think it's right or wrong, this is your life. You can be dead tomorrow, and I know this as I lost many loved ones suddenly, and so I know how short life can truly be. You need to do what makes you happy now. Don't try to live your life pleasing others, because most times they will never be happy with themselves. I will do what makes me happy, as long as I am not hurting anyone. This is my life, and I will live it my way.

For 2021, my life resolution was

Do not lose heart

It is from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is"

2022, it was: Be happy

Was about being happy with yourself. You can not make anyone else happy, but you can find the happiness within.

2023 was : Shit happens

A lot of shit happened, and I've realized that's just life.

Shit will happen, and life goes on, but we can't let it bring us down or knock us out. There will be some great years, and there will be some really shitty years, but our attitude is the only thing we can change.

2024 life resolutions is: There is always room for improvement

This year, I learned that I wasn't over my PTSD. I allowed someone to push my buttons and bring me back to a place I thought I was done with. I learned that money or a job is not worth your peace of mind. And that you can always make a change to fix yourself, which I did by going back to therapy.

I know this life is only temporary, and through it all, I have not lost heart. Even when I couldn't see what was coming at me, I held on to my faith, and I looked for the lessons in this craziness in the world. I was grateful for things even when the world seemed bleak.

See, you can not change, you cannot get this if you still will not let go. If you still do not have faith...it's all on you. Can you get out of your own way to make things happen?

Once we let go of these things, once we let go of control, once we learn faith and we pray and let God worry, things will change. Once we are present in our purpose, once we are real with ourselves, once we own who we are called to be, once we are happy with ourselves and our life then everything we ever wanted, everything we ever lost, everything that was stolen from us, will be returned in abundance.

So today, my friends, I tell you that this is your year, you are the only one that can change things in your life. If you truly want them to change, you have to do the work and believe me, sometimes it's not easy.

If I can do it, then you can, too. Change your life today...

Don't make New Year's resolutions, make life resolutions... start today.

"Be the change you want to see,"

@TreadmillTreats

[technicolor-ave]

Long time no see....

I've been returning back to this page more recently, especially because I've been considering taking up writing again. There’s been some changes happening since the start of the new year, not because I made any specific resolution or anything though.  I think at my core, the turn of the new year is a time for shedding old scars and readjusting to what is new, and I see that in myself. For the past 3 weeks my mind has been wandering off to some of the most painful parts of my past with little to no abandon, nor warning. I found it supremely odd because almost none of these grievances had any affect on me current reality anymore. The situations had simply passed. And yet, I must admit that many of them lived in my subconscious, somewhere between my self-doubt and embarrassment; locked up and stored away. So now, one after another, repeating some over again just to be thorough, I feel myself rummaging away at these old memories. Fingering them through like I detangle my hair, and watching as many of the knots I’d learned to live with begin to unfold.

There is so much power in giving yourself understanding and grace, even more so when no one else will. I didn’t used to do that for myself. I wanted to be “realistic”, to simply get used to feeling unprotected. I realize now that I had no truly safe spaces amongst others for a long time. Many relationships were toxic, I was being pressured by some and intentionally misunderstood by others. And it really was that bad. Bad enough to make throat close ups and tears well up in my eyes every time I tried tell somebody “No, I am not okay”. In many ways I felt that this was just plainly obvious, but the pressure and the judgment and the comparison’s just kept coming and coming in droves while I scrambled to keep pace with the others a the top. “It was where I was supposed to be”, I thought to myself. “Its where they expect me to be”. And If I teetered on the edge maybe no one would notice that I was falling. Hm. Its tricky though. Because in some part of me, all I wanted was for someone to understand that I was hurting, to acknowledge my pain. Subconciously I think I wanted to be released from the lie that I was okay.  But I now know that I laid my own trap. You see, if someone ever actually raised a flag to my odd, depressed behavior and its consequences, I always felt the reeking stench of failure take over me. I didn’t want to be pitied. But, how would they know if they never saw me fail? So I hid it away.  People watch me garner successes over time that deep down I only saw as failures at trying to attain a success much bigger, and instability within myself grew, and grew.

I want to be clear myself at this point, because I know I will read this again. Just because I am musing over all the different ways in which I found myself going through the things I was experiencing, does not mean that any of them were my actual fault. There are not any things that I could have done better, because almost none of it was within my control. Most of what I lacked then that I lacked now, was agency.

The first way: Agency over my circumstances, I was a child.

The second way: Agency over how others perceived me and my actions. I will never have control over that,

There were many other ways after that. And my habits of picking through every situation to see what I could've done better was only a bad coping mechanism I used to grasp for any ounce of control I could get. And when inevitably failed at taking such control it only made me more and more disappointed in myself, to the point of shame it seems. But deep down in my heart I never let go of the idea that I could do anything. I just needed life to let me. 

[bubblytardigrade]

New computer + FFXIV = totally different game

So I started ffxiv a little over a year ago, and it was a *steep* learning curve. I felt like I could barely keep up, when everyone else kept saying “it’s easy, it’s easy” and I felt awful. Joined a fc of lovely lovely people, but still just felt like a drag on everything I went on with them. I couldn’t understand how they were so quick to respond to mechs when my response time just didn’t add up. I also don’t feel comfortable in roulettes anymore because the targeted malding got so bad. On top of that I’m photosensitive, so I sometimes get physically stunned by the strobing in ffxiv, even though I wear adaptive specs.  WELLP. I finally found a good sale and bought a new computer and solved the mystery. I’d been running ffxiv off an external drive on my old laptop, a six year old touchscreen Pavilion with all effects off etc. I now have an Omen. The game is *completely different* with an adequate processor. Turns out playing ffxiv on an older computer is like trying to do a mud run drunk peering through a paper towel tube. Here’s some ways that played out for me: 

LAG. So it turns out I had an inconsistent lag time of anywhere between 2 and 5 seconds, and it was worse and less predictable the more people were loaded into an instance. This meant that mechs would go off while it was showing me that I still had time to respond. Now that I have a better computer, I have found I don’t know what to do with myself because I have 2-3x as much time to do mechs. So older computer = nightmare mode mechs. I used sprint and corps-a-corps (rdm main) regularly for movement just to do the basics, and have been rescued from short mechs by very patient healers (thank you!!!) more times than I could count because they *never showed up for me* or would blink after the mech went off in realtime.  

Lag also affected my rotations. Every sixth or eighth (inconsistent) button I pushed would skip-- just not respond at all. So I had to direct extra attention to watching whether each spell had taken before hitting the next one. Sooo many times my dualcast would get off kilter, or I’d try to use my auxiliary hotbars and couldn’t get to them for a few seconds. I was slow. Real slow. But I was clicking faster than anyone else. One of the adjustments I’ve had to make with new puter is to relearn not to triple-click every button, because this one responds!

Second: cropping. When you play on a smaller screen or at a lower resolution, the game doesn’t scale, it crops. So while the rest of my party could see mechs on the edge of the arena, I literally had to choose between watching bosses, watching for adds, and watching for side mechs. I’d flip back and forth but it’s easy to miss, especially in raids when things happen in quick succession. My screen was also super crowded with my necessary HUD stuff because it was so small. I shrank HUD elements but there’s only so much you can shrink with lower res and still be able to see. 

Fourth: resolution. When you have to go windowed/low res (I was working on about an 8x8″ screen) some mech markers aren’t legible. Simplest example is Darkened Fire in P3: it looks like white and purple blobs and it’s extremely difficult to tell which order you’re in. It super helps if you have a friend with you who can see what it is and tell you what’s sitting on you. 

Ideas.  If you are new and playing on an older machine and practicing and practicing but feeling like you aren’t keeping up, it is likely *not you but the computer.* Processing speed and graphics card don’t just make a difference in how the game looks, but a drastic difference in how it runs and how you sync with your party. It’s especially okay to pick an easy job like smn, rdm, or dnc, because the rest of your game is in already in super hard mode and it’ll help compensate.

The simplest solution to all of these issues requires a lovely and generous friend or fc member who’s willing to get on voice chat and call when you need to move and where so you aren’t dependent on your own screen. It makes all the difference and can be tons of fun! :3 The next simplest is finding a better computer, if that’s within range of where you are in your life. 

If you are on a good computer, please be aware that especially if you’re in low-end content like roulettes, people may be on slower computers than you, and may not be able to afford something better. Their machine can significantly affect their gameplay, so they may not be ignoring you or playing wrong: they may be responding appropriately to a different situation shown on their own screen. Clues that this might be the issue are: they do something wrong very consistently, are having trouble seeing a marker, or are consistently slow. What you see may be very different from what they see. And I can say as someone who’s been there, when a more successful player recognizes what’s going on and is willing to give me a hand, it makes all the difference in the world <3 

[rjpen]

My father came to me in a dream in New York City one day. 

I was walking down a busy street at the time, so it was something of an inconvenience; but I hadn’t seen him in years, so I kept calm and carried on. I kept the rhythm of my steps, and I continued to avoid the fast moving obstacles of people and traffic. I began to hum to myself. It’s a thing I do to manage stress, or distress - which is an odd thing to identify upon re-uniting with your own dad, but it was present none the less - we hadn’t seen each other in over 15 years, and this was a waking dream after all. 

I hum to myself in the dentist’s chair when they get the drill out. Or anything else that buzzes menacingly, but they told me they don’t mind, and I think they and the assistants are quite amused by it. It beats screams.

Though he did not buzz menacingly, I hummed to my father, there on 2nd Avenue, and he hummed back. He kind of resonated. Words rang out with great eloquence, but the consonants never formed. The words simply vibrated, and I tried to find harmony with them. Sometimes perfect 5ths, sometimes clashing 7ths and 4ths - sometimes in a uniform lockstep beat, in time with my heart or the steady pulse of unrelenting Empire State footsteps - ever forward and constant; other times in challenging cross rhythms and alternate timings that teeter on the brink of chaos, the very edge of loosing all apparent form before suddenly completing their cycle and resolving again into a perfect fractal image.

In this way, we talked.

I couldn’t tell you exactly what he said, and I wouldn’t, it was a private conversation after all - but he left me with a song.

****

Soon after, a close friend, Jack Brown, had just gotten married, and text me a series of tender chords he’d strummed out on his honeymoon (he apologized for his playing in the voice note, explaining that he was unaccustomed to the ring on his finger, and it was making him stumble over the frets. I thought that was just about the most adorable thing I’d ever heard.) He wondered if I could do something unexpected with them.

I kept humming around the streets of New York.

******

A month before the death of George Floyd, I was in London and I reached out to an old colleague, Lanre Malaolu suggesting we finally got round to connecting in the way we’d put off for years and collaborate while I was grounded on a rare trip back in the UK. I had just finished this complicated sort of anthemic lullaby about love, legacy, loss - and how men particularly, deal with such vulnerabilities - with my brother (together we go by the musical pseudonym ‘TUNYA’). Lanre’s recent work exploring tenderness within Black masculinity seemed a perfect, unexpected, and exciting match to explore the themes of the music visually.

By the time of filming in August, the world had been brought to a screaming halt by the rawest, largest, and most powerful display of Black community, pain and activism since the Civil Rights movement of the 60s. A palpable sense of communal grief had dominated every conversation, on a global scale, magnified and brought to boil by the losses and fear of a world brought to its knees by COVID-19. John Lewis had died. Colston was dumped in the sea, and confederate monuments were armed battle grounds - defended by white militias and conquered by Black ballerinas. Chadwick Boseman died. I missed my dad. A world full of uncertainty lacked leadership and compassion, and each new week brought new, unresolvable heartbreak. The core team involved in the film had been privately trying to learn how to be grieving, vulnerable, Black and publicly on display for months, and the piece grew to reflect that. The responsibility as artists to share what light and answers we’d found and contribute that back into a community fractured and isolated by social distance, thrust not only a sense of purpose on the project, but a guiding momentum. It could now only be this.

Joshua Nash is an extraordinarily sensitive performer, and his unique blend of abrasive power and overwhelming vulnerability guides the piece through a physical embodiment of his own personal journey through a universal grief. The battle for control and suppression, the desire to tidy away a past too painful to confront, and the ultimate realisation that the only escape from the trappings of an eternal fight - is to allow oneself to feel it. To accept the pain of past battles, honour it, and through that knowledge, gain the peace necessary to thrive and progress beyond it.

To a world seemingly divided into two camps, both struggling to address a painful history, a cancerous personal and public legacy, I hope the piece’s foreword (unpublished in the end, written late one night between rehearsals, trying to pin down our direction) offers a guiding light toward its redemptive resolution:

“Those who fell before you fought,

For you

Not to be bound in mourning

But to free your life’s celebration”

In the end, like them all, Don’t Wait is simply a love song. It is about finding the path through life’s necessary, good trouble, to life’s intrinsic celebration.

More love, always

R

x

Watch the video here

(Photographs by Helen Murray)

————

DON’T WAIT

Sweet, sweet sun

Shine!

I couldn’t wait

Darling

To hold you in these arms

I couldn’t wait

I couldn’t wait

Darling

To keep you

Quite as warm,

Warm as I would have liked

But I’ll soft speak

On the wind

And I

Won’t let you fall apart

If you hold me

Inside

Sweet sweet sun

Please

Shine

The first time I met you

I felt that I could fall into the sun

And still feel the light

Of your eyes

To guide me home

The first time.

The first time I met you

I felt like my life had just begun

Born again,

A better man, a better man

For you

And I’ll be around

On the wind

And I’ll guide you through the night

If you

You call me out

I will hold your hand

I never meant for you to

Stumble

Stumble

and fall

Without me

Oh, there’s a song in you

All that I never taught

I never thought

I’d have to

I wish I could

More than anything

I want to hear

Oh,

What a song you are

And don’t sing

Like you let me down

You couldn’t

Let me down

And don’t feel

Like you let me down

You could never

Let me down

Don’t ever feel

Like a fool

In those blessed moments

When you fall into the truth

Sweet sweet sun

Of mine

Shine.

[evilzoldyck]

Hell is Other People

Admiring the heavy rock that was tailored perfectly to match your finger in silent awe you gleamed almost as brightly as the diamond which glittered underneath the moonlight. 

You could hear the murmurs of your guests and the faint music of the orchestra playing in the background from afar as you stood in your private balcony to revere the ring that symbolised an emblem of eternal faith and affection. To be quite honest with yourself you hadn’t seen it coming, just earlier in the day you’re mulling over which dress to wear for the evening party that your partner scrupulously planned for since months, now that he had proposed to you in front of all your highly esteemed company it all made sense.

This was your engagement party. 

Pleading with a resolute ‘yes’ for an answer, the colossal baroque hall erupted into an applause at the sight of the new happily engaged couple. Wiping a few tears of joy and sharing quick loving kisses from your partner he proudly showed you around where his parents eagerly took you in as part of the family. His Mother held you tight as if you were her very own and his Father kissed the back of your hand cordially in response. You’ve never felt so welcomed before, the warmth of having a real family was one that was foreign but comforting for you.

Taking a break from meeting all the guests he had personally invited to witness his ardent declaration of love, you stood alone in the cool breeze to process all the adrenaline in blissfully. To think, engaged during a peaceful warm season, you couldn’t believe you’re going to celebrate your anniversary every year on such a beautiful weather, making a special connotation to the word summer now. 

Suddenly feeling an unwanted presence behind you, your face that was once graced with a contented smile had turned into a sour frown. You knew exactly who would turn the most happiest night of your life upside down, trailing after a bloody carpet and reigning chaos until the dawn rises. 

The harbinger of death itself, Chrollo Lucilfer.

“So he’s finally proposed,” his dark timbre voice reverberated through the quiet night, startling such a tranquil silence. “I’d congratulate you on your engagement, but I can’t say I’m quite pleased.” There were hundreds of guards your partner employed on duty at the whole premise, guarding every entrance and exit making sure to keep trespassers at bay to keep this party perfect. Though with all the security money could by at your disposal, you weren’t completely surprised someone like him could get through easily, he is the head of the spider after all, capable of going in and out wherever he pleases.

“Chrollo,” you acknowdleged him with an air of indifference, turning around to the slightly to see him dressed in a fine black suit and tie, oddly appropriate for the occasion. “Where are the rest of the troupe? Couldn’t imagine you pulling off a heist on your own.” It was true, there were many treasures such as valuable paintings and ornaments all held in a considerable amount of monetary value scattered along the place, and even then, there were hidden assets stored deep underground that even you had just learned about, or perhaps he’s come for the family’s precious heirloom?

“No need to be so tense, it’s just me tonight.” He suddenly appeared before you, holding the hand in which the engagement ring was secured onto. Smiling bitterly at the glistening jewellery, he showed no movement or even an ounce of intention to take it away from you, rather he looked to be quite pensive as he studied it with a forlorn expression. “I don’t necessarily like to intrude, but it seems that I was uninvited by your charming fiancé.” 

Taking your hand away from his cold hands without ever leaving your skeptical eyes off of his lackadaisical form, he reluctantly lets it go. “The feeling still stands.” Glaring at him with a scathing passion. “There is nothing for you to take here, nothing that you have not already seen before. Leave this people alone, they have nothing worthy of you to steal from.”

“You seem to be quite fond of them,” Chrollo commented motionlessly, closing the space even closer. “Perhaps even more than me.” A distasteful tone from him had you nearly shivering in your heels, however you needed to stand your ground you couldn’t let him ruin everything you worked so hard for. 

“I’ve let you had your fun, released you from your ties, gave you time for yourself and now what do you do? Run into the arms of another man.” He trapped you in between his body and the stone carved balustrades. “Don’t tell me I’ve been replaced,” he whispered in bitter disbelief before placating himself quickly and placed a gentle hand upon your cheek. “My dearest friend, do I really stand no chance with you? Didn’t you once held me high in the standing of your heart?”

Your throat went completely dry as he bared his unbridled affections for you. “Once,” you answered truthfully. Years before in Meteor City you both shared the same vision, the same utopian perspective of your future filled with comfort through grim determination. However as time progressed he began to stray further away from what you both shared. You watched his avarice grow beyond expectancy, stepping over bodies to get what he desired without a vestige of remorse or empathy. Time turned him to be such a monster, an unrecognisable stranger who’s oddly keeping you alive by his side. “A long time ago, but now I barely remember the traces of where I held you in such position.”

Chrollo smiled sullenly at your response, as if he was expecting the daggers of your tongue into his heart. “You’re too cruel,” he detached the palm of his hand from your soft skin. 

“I can’t help but ask after all this time.” He placed a hand against the railing, thoroughly interrogating you closely. “Was it fun, making me chase after you? Did you enjoy the idea of me grovelling for your attention, for you to spare me a simple kiss? I’ve circled the world for your heart and yet it never seems to be enough.” 

He kept the bitter quirk on his lips as he continued, “like I’m never enough.”

Gripping onto the hard stone you willed yourself not to let your knees give out. Though he didn’t show it, you could see the raging storm of emotions in his eyes, the pain and betrayal he felt when you left and the sliver of intention to hurt you. You wanted to calm him down, pacify his anger like you did before when you were both younger. However you couldn’t reward his behaviour anymore, you couldn’t be on the same side where history would echo the time in which evil was left untamed

“What is it he has that I couldn’t give you?” He spoke so softly you could feel the sincerity in his words. 

“It’s not something you could give me,” your tone as careful and gentle as ever around the capricious being. Unfortunately that set every fibre of his being on fire. 

“Do you even love him?” 

You took his challenging words as a personal affront to your integrity. “I find it hard to see if that is any of your concern.” 

“He’s nearly twice your age.” Chrollo staunchly dismissed. “I see the way you look at me, you look at me with such anger in your eyes, like I’m the lowest being to walk on earth; a vermin with no moral compass.” The warm night air suddenly turned frigid at the sound of his strained voice that was holding back such malice. “And you’re right, but what differentiates me from you is that at least I don’t lie to myself.” 

“And the worst thing is that you don’t even seem to realise it do you? You willingly use others for your own interests and discard them once you no longer had use of them. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, you and I both know your true nature. You’re exactly like me- in fact you might even be worse than me, robbing people blind. I do my work in the dark but you do yours in broad daylight,” Chrollo stated. “I’m not the only monster here.”

“Don’t talk to me of hypocrisy when you value those philosophical books so much,” you angrily countered, noting how much time he spent on the ideas and theories discussed in heavy literatures such as the Leviathan. “Never have I met someone so ridiculously obsessed with Western perspectives on rules and regulations and yet completely disregards them in practice.” 

“But isn’t that what’s so appealing about it? Of course I don’t take these words as gospel when there’s so many critiques to each theory. It’s too nuanced and complex to ever rightfully regulate civil society that who could determine what I’m doing is immoral? For Hobbes I’m merely exercising my right of nature as it is ‘the liberty each man hath, to use his own power, as he will for himself, for the preservation of his own nature,’ you remember right?” He quipped, reminding you of the times he shared his esoteric books with you, engaging in meaningful and intellectual thoughts until the candle burned out. 

“I have not consented to the laws of nature and therefore I have yet to surrender my natural rights. Thus the sovereign is illegitimate to me and I’m under no obligation of the state as I have not entered in any form of contract bound by the will and rule of the sovereign. I’m not bound to any laws of this land for I do not conform to the will of others but myself. Plato’s Crito would further support his argument on the laws of consent.”

Scoffing at his misconstrued interpretation you vacantly refuted. “Hobbes also said that if there is reasonable hope in preserving peace to seek and follow it.”

“However I may think it not necessary or the best for my life to be best preserved then I may seek and use all helps and advantages of war.”

“Nevertheless all that is futile for his argument remains that the design of men is the willingness to put restraint upon themselves for a more contented life thereby. We should ultimately consent for the second law of nature requires that we should covenant for peace if others are willing.”

“If others are willing.” He repeated and stressed out the first word. “Do you remember where we lived? No person there would opt for peace, it’s every man for themselves. It is what he hypothetically calls the state of nature, a horrible nasty, brutish and short life, except it’s real. Meteor City is a lawless land and as he states that no contract could be formed in the state of nature. Thus this paradox leaves us in a perpetual natural state of mankind; war.”

“You know there’s more to philosophy than just the Leviathan, Rousseau’s Social Contract and Locke’s Second Treatise of Civil Government has a lot to say on your so called ‘freedom’. There is no advantage to stay in the state of nature, the natural progress of humanity is the establishment of a common political authority for the sake of improving our way of life.”

“Actually Locke and Hobbes states that the state diminishes our sense of freedom but is justified in doing so, by no means did they implied our freedom would be retained, and that, is what I don’t find an improvement.”

“Rousseau would disagree with you, the state is a necessary condition of our freedom for the sovereign is the construction of all through the general will and so is directly exercised by the citizenry. Therefore, this eliminates the tension between political authority and individual freedom.” You sighed, “Chrollo even if you wanted to retain individual autonomy over yourself you’d surely remember Mill’s first sentence on the harm principle, ‘the only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to attain it.’ In other words, as long as you don’t harm others you can do whatever the fuck you like, but you seem to struggle with that concept of freedom don’t you?”

He suddenly chuckled lightly at your remark. “How are you so quick to mark me wrong as if I had forgotten your favourite book?” You suddenly shifted uncomfortably on your feet as he smirked amusingly at your cornered form. “I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the revered Mary Wollstonecraft, we would often read her passages for hours didn’t we? A Vindication of the Rights of a Woman, well, I guess we’re both hypocrites here.” 

“What was her argument? That women were rendered weak, lacked the use of reason, had no special moral value?” He droned on and looked afar as if he was in deep thought before returning his sharp gaze to yours. “You had a lot to say about the sexist social arrangements in today’s society, you argued that women are deprived of their natural rights to acquire virtue through the use reason. How Wollstonecraft would be so disappointed if she could see you right now, the most passionate proponent of her work devoting her energies in pleasing and making herself attractive to men.”

“Stop it.” You hissed as he jabbed at your pride, mocking your own words of the past to further humiliate your contradicting present.

“What were the words you used to quote to me? ‘Have women so little in ambition as to be satisfied with such a condition? Can they supinely dream life away in the lap of pleasure and render themselves conspicuous by practicing the virtues which signify mankind? Surely she has not an immortal soul who can loiter life away merely employed to adorn her person, that she may amuse the languid hours, and soften the carress of a fellow-creature who is willing to be enlivened by her smiles and tricks, when the serious business of life is over.’ Aren’t you becoming the women she is scathing about?” 

“What’s so wrong with pleasure? Wanting to be taken care of? The want and human need for companionship and love is not one to be jeered at. Might it just even cross your mind that I chose this life instead of ‘building my faculty.’ Those texts described the social conditioning of women back in the eighteen hundreds, women have more options now and are more than capable to choose. Times have changed.” 

“Have they?” Chrollo hummed. “Is the pleasure that you insist on promoting for you, or for him?” He rubbed the silky garment of your dress impassively. “Don’t you wish to be more than a pretty ornament? To have purpose and participate in the natural rights of mankind? ‘Virtue, says reason, must be acquired by rough toils, and useful struggles with worldly cares.’ Sure you are provided with goods and raiment but liberty and virtue are given in exchange. You could build your character by the sense of struggle of living-“

“How can you call that living?!” You exploded abruptly, pausing for a moment to realise that you were shaking all over as you stood in your designer heels before him with glassy eyes. “What we did- to those people, those families, it was never enough for you. I may be what I despised in my youth but I’m better off being an indulgence for others rather than taking account for mass genocide; for what I lack in virtue I make up for my own compassion.”

“How kindly of you,” he nodded absently. “Then perhaps we should test it. Referring back on your comment on Mill’s harm principle, you must know then that the cause of evil not only takes account of a person’s action but also their inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable for the injury.”

“What are you saying?”

“Let’s hypothesise that I would come back on your white wedding day and that I would kill everyone present during the reception, by learning this information, you then would be held responsible for each of their death.” You griped your hand so hard you’re sure that you’ve left specks of bloody crescent moon marks on the palm of your hands. 

“I have no obligation of duty towards you, therefore the harm principle does not apply to me for I am not responsible or related for your actions.” You countered at his allusion to the other-regarding actions where a special role of obligation is placed within the liberty principle.

“No unfortunately you’re not,” he agreed. “But him, would you not protect him at all costs? Surely as your soon to be life long partner you would do whatever it takes to promote his health and well-being. If you would simply come back to me before the day of wedding, denounce your engagement and reinstate your affiliation and loyalty towards the troupe everybody gets their happily ever after.” He finally took a step back. “In failing to meet our obligations to others we are actually harming them.” 

“I’m tired of your philosophical rhapsodies, if you were to kill others or even yourself I would not hold myself accountable so I suggest you’d best return to whatever matters you currently have and leave us alone.” You’ve grown anxious and wary of the dangerous connotation of his words and with the way he was impishly grinning at you suggested that he saw right through your bluff. 

“Its getting late, you should return to your awaiting fiancé before he realises you’ve been gone for too long,” looking back down at the sight of pretty swirls of dresses on the ballroom quietly dwindling down as the night grew longer. “It’s reassuring to see that you haven’t changed at all, I missed our philosophical prattle.” 

“I can hardly say the same, discussing Western philosophers on an engagement party is certainly not in the least enlightening, I suggest you turn to the East for matters such as these.” 

Chrollo gave a half-suppressed laugh and an amused smile, one that was rare and sincere in which held no trace of malice or cruelty. “Before I forget to tell you, you look beautiful.” You didn’t let your hardened expression change when his comment took you by surprise as he slowly backed away from you and into the shadows.

You heard your name being called out by Thomas where he sighed in relief and ran towards you in a light jog before taking you into his arms. “So this is where you’ve been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he playfully chastised with a turn on his lips. He led you back inside the bright chandelier lit hall to bid your guests farewell for the night, however, you couldn’t help but glance back from your shoulders to see that Chrollo had disappeared. 

Though his presence was now absent, his words still rang loudly inside your head. His confrontation of your nature, how the spotlight is too blinding for someone like you and how it’s just a matter of time you would run into the dark once more with your back up against the wall and tangled up in his web seem to be conveyed as a confident prediction rather than insults to your moral character.

Chrollo wasn’t here to steal anything, not even you, he wanted you to come to him on your own accord even if he had to force pieces to make you submit to his will. However, his appearance tonight also wasn’t meant for mere formalities, in fact he made his purpose and intention clear when he first spoke of the day you would finally be wed. 

It was a warning.

[dropofgoldensun]

omg hiiiii i am here from cat (@luvdsc) wondering if you could offer any advice about college apps 🙏 especially about the uc piqs? thank you so much i hope ur doing well!!!!!!!!

yes yes hello friend !! 💝 miss cat directed you to me because i did my college apps last year !!! (yikes one year passed already?? why does that feel ages ago 🤧)

first of all, congratulations on making the decision to apply to college !! i know it’s been hard for a lot of people our age to figure out the college situation recently, so i’m proud of you for choosing to take the extra step this summer to buckle up and write those essays 💞

i’ve compiled a few tips on answering the PIQs (i was actually in the middle of typing this up when i received your ask haha), but some of them can be applied to other essays, as well !! they’re all under the cut (because, unfortunately, being brief is not my forte) 😊

(and for reference, the prompts i chose were #2 (creativity), #6 (subject), #7 (community), and #8 (anything) !!)

tip #1: understand the prompt.

before you even begin writing, it’s important to understand what the question is really asking. for the UC PIQs, this will look different depending on which four prompts you decide to do.

in question one, for example, they want to know about your skills in leading others, but notice that they’re also curious about your resolution abilities and teamwork experience. or in question two, they don’t want to know that you paint and that you love painting—they could be asking how resourceful you are, how you think outside the box when you have an idea.

once you know the question you’re going to be answering, you can move on to brainstorming!

tip #2: write down three (3) key takeaways.

these are like the most basic, not-even-a-sentence answers you would give to each question. so for me, in response to question eight (“what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for the UCs?”), my answers were perseverance, courage, and character. i had a story about that, so i wrote about my experience with martial arts.

i recommend you do something similar. decide on three things that you want to communicate to your audience, and write them in the footnote of your document. your goal is to cover all three points so that, if anyone were to read your essay, they would walk away understanding those three things about you.

i found this strategy really helpful for keeping my essay streamlined while writing—if a sentence didn’t relate to any of those main points, i would cut it since those words would take up valuable space in the word count. stay focused on what needs to be in this essay, and if you have extra words left in the word count later, you can add those details back in.

and once you’re done with your essay, make sure to refer back to your takeaways and check that you covered all of them sufficiently!

tip #3: highlight your stories.

i sent cat an ask a couple days ago with a few pictures of my response to an end-of-year college counseling survey that referenced this tip (you can find it here). basically i said that, when choosing what topics to write about, pick things that interest you! if you get excited talking about it, your audience should get excited about reading it, because they’ll pick up on the passions you have and then everyone’s excited !!! :D

i’ll tell you a secret: everyone you meet, everyone you see, has countless unique experiences that few others may have. me? i spend hours making mashups out of kpop songs. i earned my black belt years after a traumatizing experience during training. i get russian harry potter and spanish dr. seuss books from the library. and i created a collaborative online google photos album for my classmates that now has thousands of entries. although these aren’t necessarily unique to only me, they’re still special enough to the point where, when you put them all together, you get a better image of the person i am, and what i value.

so find a story, a habit, a hobby that makes you different, because i believe that everyone has them. give them some food for thought, or that one-liner that sticks in their brain and won’t go away. and remember: these stories don’t all have to be extraordinary—they should be about people or moments of special value to you, because that’s what matters.

personal tip: when i was brainstorming ideas, i decided that the best way to get ideas out there was to go on a rant (because sometimes it helps to just have a conversation with yourself !!) and i recorded myself, so i could replay what i said !! this was so so crucial to me finding my own voice for writing essays. notice the way you word things when you talk—a good line or two may make it into the final draft :)

i found it helpful to read sample essays as well! they give a lot of great ideas on the kinds of topics people write about. (also, it’s kind of fun, because who doesn’t love a good story?)

but the people reading your essay won’t be there to just enjoy your story; what they really want you to do is to tell them what you learned from your experience. they want to know whether you’re teachable and willing to grow both as a student and as a young adult. so make sure to take note of the life lessons you learned, experience you gained, character you built, etc.

minor tip on ending your essay: if you’re telling a story that happened in the past, then close with what you learned and how you can apply that to your life moving forward. if you’re telling a story that has no definite end yet (like a passion or dream you have), you probably don’t have everything figured out (and you can say that in your essay!), so it might be better to close with your hopes for the future.

tip #4: ask your family for help.

peer-editing is one of the most effective ways to detect errors and inconsistencies in your writing, because, after staring at your essay for so long, you might gloss over glaring contradictions. for all of my essays, i printed them out and asked my parents to help me revise them. we’d meet every other night (or every night, depending on how much time was left) to review and discuss improvements.

i actually kept some of those printed drafts (only the first and the final ones for comparison), and let me tell you from experience—you’re probably going to have a lot of drafts (i think the most i did was seven? but you don’t need to go that far!). this part of the process does take some time, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself :) these essays won’t happen overnight!

enlisting the help of others also helps keep you accountable. one of the struggles many seniors face while writing essays is just... setting aside time to do them. and even though the constant reminders from your parents will definitely get repetitive and a bit stress-inducing, i can tell you from personal experience that i’m so glad they did; otherwise, i don’t think i’d have my essays done in time :’)

while writing college essays is challenging, your family will be there supporting you each step of the way. chances are that they’ll have their own pointers to pass on to you, since they probably remember doing this process themselves! and, out of everyone in your life, they probably remember the most about you (because you probably don’t remember much when you were four or five), so they might have a couple starter ideas for topics when brainstorming. you can rely on them for their advice and their experience.

tip #5: self-editing.

here’s the part that takes the longest time.

use action words. this is probably something you’ve heard all throughout elementary school where they didn’t like you to say “said” because it was “boring”… but honestly, the difference between “doing my own version” and “infusing it with my personality” could go a long way. also, use words that you would actually use in an essay—then it’ll have your own special flair, and not sound like it’s taken from some stuffy 80s textbook!

here are some of the words i used (once again, you shouldn’t use these words if they don’t sound like something you’d write/say): potential, overlay, wrestle, launch, analogous, weave, infuse, experiment, outlet, revel, fascinate, satisfaction, pursue, expand, distinction, capture, range, archive, engage, beyond, build, adversity, cultivate, preserve, commit, explore, convey, naturally

also, be on the lookout for repeated words. i once wrote an essay without noticing that i used “hope” three times in the same paragraph. don’t do that! use synonyms :) personally, i tended to run short on synonyms, so i always kept a tab or two open on my computer reserved for searching up new words.

side note: unfortunately, during my search for synonyms, i discovered that thesaurus.com just didn’t give me what i was looking for. i highly recommend using wordhippo instead; it has so many more options and they’re grouped by the different definitions of your word! i found the synonyms i needed really quickly and it was very satisfying!

avoid the passive voice! my teacher gave me this tip for theses or any other college-level writing. here’s an example of the passive voice: “there was a large part of me that wanted to turn back.” that’s twelve words taking up precious space in your word count! instead, say something like, “i considered turning back.” you’ve just freed up eight words :)

tip #6: final revisions.

this is the step where you fine-tune your essays. meet that word count.

read your writing out loud. does it sound like you? it should. every writer has a different voice, and you need to ensure that yours is pervasive throughout your essay. feel free to use contractions—not only do they reduce your word count (this was a good thing for me, since i had a problem with getting under 350 words), but they also give a more casual tone to your essay, as if you’re telling a story to someone in the room.

next, pretend to be an admissions officer and have someone else read your essay to you. do you get excited hearing about this student who shares your name? if you do, there’s a good chance the real admissions officers will love your essays, too. this also gives you a chance to review to your essay as a whole. pay attention to the overall flow. is there a clear beginning and end? do you resolve the issues and overcome the trials you brought up? listen to it as if it’s a story, and take this time to enjoy what you’ve written. you worked hard!

final thoughts / encouragements.

oh my goodness, did we make it to the end? honestly if you did, thank you so much 🥺

okay but despite my relatively optimistic tone throughout this post, i’m still going to be honest with you—the college essay writing process is difficult. it requires you to look inside yourself and analyze the “why” behind some of the things that you love, and that isn’t easy to do at all. it’s intellectually and emotionally challenging, because not only do you need to use so much energy writing, but you also have to dig deeper to understand yourself, and that’s not easy, either.

but i wanted to encourage you, too. no matter what you may think of yourself at 12am, 2am, 4am writing these essays, believe you have a personality that others love and will love when they meet you. you are an interesting person with unique experiences who deserves to share your thoughts with others. you have so many people behind you, supporting you during these next few months. and when you find that you can’t write any more, remember to take time to care for yourself. have a warm shower. go to bed early. i could go on and on about why sleep is good for your brain but i’ll spare you the details in this post 😉

one last thing: keep the bigger picture in focus. remember, by december or january, you will be finished with most of the application process. that’s no small accomplishment. you can do it. 💝

i really hope you found tips that you were looking for, and that they’re applicable to your own PIQs and other essays !! if you have any other questions, feel free to send in another ask (i promise my response won’t be this lengthy LOL) 💘💓

oh, and if you feel comfortable enough reaching out about anything in particular, i’m only a DM away 💕 i wish you the best of luck on writing your essays and i hope you enjoy your final year of high school !! 💗🌸💟💖

[cultofbeatles]

parts of pattie boyd’s book wonderful tonight that involved george that stuck out to me:

pattie didn't have any of the beatles records at first and only bought please please me since she was going to be in their film 

“on first impressions, john seemed more cynical and brash than the others, ringo the most endearing, paul was cute, and george, with velvet brown eyes and dark chestnut hair, was the best looking man i’d ever seen.”

during a lunch break pattie and george sat next to each other and were both very shy 

george asked pattie “will you marry me?” and after she laughed he said, “well, if you won't marry me, will you have dinner with me tonight?” and she turned him down.

she deadass invited george to hang out with her and her boyfriend at the time.

pattie and george are both pisces.

once reshoots for the film were happening george asked pattie about her boyfriend, she said she had dumped him, and george once again asked her for dinner. she accepted this time.

brian epstein joined them for their first date.

they sat side by side and were too scared to even hold the others hand.

george got along great with pattie’s family.

pattie liked cynthia lennon but found her difficult to make friends with. 

“she wasn't like my friends, who enjoyed a giggle and some fun: she was rather serious, and often, i thought, behaved more like john’s mother than wife.”

there was a rumor that john and pattie were having an affair and pattie worried cynthia believed it. it wasn't true.

maureen cox (ringo’s girlfriend) was another beatles girl that pattie had a hard time being friends with. but said that she was “jolly and friendly, more relaxed than cynthia.”

pattie got along best with jane asher but saw her the least.

“i felt there was definitely a north-south divide among the wives and girlfriends. and i had the definite impressions that the girls from the north (maureen and cynthia) felt they has a prior clam to the boys.” okay shade, we see you. 

(talking about going on holiday with john, cynthia, and george) “it was a good way to split the group. john and paul were the closest in some ways and immensely creative together, but they clashed if they were in each other’s pockets for too long.”

george asked pattie to cut his hair while on holiday and one of the cleaners found his hair and kept it. 

(talking about george) “he was so beautiful and so funny.”

once a “weird looking man” tried to force his way into pattie and george’s house. pattie thought he was either a salesman or a jehovahs witness. it turns out it was paul in disguise. 

george said the only place he got peace was in the bathroom of his hotel suite.

pattie got a lot of letters saying that if she didn't leave george there would be a curse put on her.

 pattie’s cleaner was a male ballet dancer and “a terrific duster.”

pattie would count the days till george came back. once he jumped into the bed early in the morning to wake her up. 

those two would deadass not lock their doors and were surprised that clothes were going missing...what is with older generations and not locking their doors i -

george would be in the studio from 11 am - 11 pm. sometimes midnight. 

george’s mom loved when john would visit and would always ask him for an “upper.”

when john lennon is your drug dealer.

pattie wasn't a good cook but was optimistic.

“i loved listening to him (play guitar), loved the sound of the guitar in the house. sometimes i would start to talk and he'd be so deep in thought about the lyrics or the melody he was writing that he wouldn't answer. we’d be the same room but he wasn't really with me: he was in his head.”

pattie developed a kidney disorder.

(talking about the beatles dynamic) “in many aspects they were still children. they had few real friends apart from each other, and when they were asked questions they could answer as one - they were so much on each other’s wavelength. if one went to a gallery opening, they all went; if one bought a new car or new house, they all did. if one seemed in danger of taking himself too seriously, the others knocked it out of him.”

one evening george stopped the car and said, “let’s get married. i'll speak to brian.” they went to brian’s house, george went inside, and when he came back in the car he said, “brian says it’s okay. will you marry me? we can get married in january.”

briannnnnnn, is it my turn to get married yet pleaseeeee

pattie invited her absent father to their wedding but he did not come.

at the train station everyone left cynthia behind as she was carrying the suitcases and john was carrying nothing. peter brown had to go back and get her. 

pattie’s quote from the lsd in the coffee moment is hilarious to me. “you've just had lsd. it was in the coffee.” john lennon: “how dare you fucking do this to us?”

pattie and george didn't go to brian’s funeral in liverpool but george sent one single sunflower.

pattie stopped modeling because george didnt like it. and she felt like she lost a part of herself.

maureen was afraid of flies.

during the India trip, mia farrow told john that maharishi was inappropriate with her and john wanted everyone leave after that.

after India george and pattie’s relationship changed.

(talking about george) “some days he would be all right, but on others he seemed withdrawn and depressed. this was new: he had never been depressed before, but there was nothing i could do. it wasn't about me, but i found that my moods started to mirror his...so bad indeed, that at times i felt almost suicidal. i don't think i was ever in any real danger of killing myself, but i got as far as working out how i would do it: i would put on a diaphanous ossie clark dress and jump off beachy head.”

george became more obvious about his cheating. it hurt pattie.

george was gaslighting her.

cilla black was staying at george and pattie’s house and was uncomfortably close to george so pattie left. six days latter george called to tell her the girl was gone and she could come home.

“..but my ego was too fragile and i couldn't see it as anything other than betrayal. i felt unloved and miserable.”

“jane asher came home unexpectedly from new york and found another woman in the house, an american girl - and did what i should probably have done with george...”

george would start to talk about his feelings about paul or john but would stop bc he never wanted to admit that he felt left out. 

“we had once been so close, so honest and open with each other. now a distance had developed between us..”

(about yoko contributing to the beatles break up) “the four had never allowed anyone into the recording studios with them, but yoko not only sat by john throughout every session, he consulted her about the music they were making, which upset paul.”

during the let it be sessions there was a time with george and paul got in a fist fight and george left.

the same day john told George he was leaving the beatles, george’s mom told him she was ill and in critical condition.

i love that she vibe checked george. “he was bringing home bad vibes.”

george continued cheating and they continued arguing.

“my diary is full of entries about my unhappiness and the disintegration of our relationship.”

john came to visit george and pattie’s new mansion and said that it was so dark he didn't know how they could live in it, and george recommended that he took of his sunglasses.

eric clapton being a piece of shit and saying “if you won't be with me pattie i will become addicted to heroin.”

pattie said the only thing she had left was cooking and george took that away.

the couple was suppose to go on holiday together but george cancelled last minute bc he didn't want to go with her. he ended up going to spain.

“when i challenged him, he denied it and tried once again to make me feel as though i was paranoid.”

i'm not even...the whole fucking story of the george and maureen affair PISSES ME OFF more than i can describe. maybe i’ll make a whole other post but omfg i'm fuming. fuck them bothhhh. they deserve no rights.

george harrison, mere days before their wedding anniversary: “let’s get a divorce this year.” what an amazing new years resolution jerk.

ringo offered pattie a job.

when george told ringo about the affair pattie was so mad she dyed her hair red. 

george loved pattie’s little brother and was his role model but he wouldn't come to the man’s wedding even though he was invited.

the night pattie told george she was leaving him george came to bed in sadness and said, “don't go.”

“i'm going.”

george invited pattie to dhani’s eighteenth birthday party bc she “had to be there. she was family.”

george had become more of an older brother to her now.

pattie had learned about john’s death from eric clapton and immediately went to the beatles office in london to hang out with everyone there.

(after finding out about george’s death) “i couldn't bare the thought of a world without george. when i left him for eric, he had said that if things didn't work out, ever, i could always come to him and he would look after me. it was such a selfless, loving, generous thing to say and it had always been tucked away at the back of my mind. now that sense of security had gone.”

the last time they saw each other was when george called saying he wanted to visit her new cottage and see her.

pattie didn't go to his funeral nor did she go to the memorial concert that took place a year later. but she spent that day high on the mountains thinking of george. “i was happy to mourn him alone and in my own way.”

she would have dreams of george after his death. “oh george, it’s so wonderful that you are alive after all, this is so fabulous; i knew they had all made a mistake.”

and then she’d wake up.

[brotherly-advice01]

*sends a Quick as for Mikey before Marjolijn (mun) goes to bed*

14. What’s a New Years resolution you’ve kept?

Mikey: I have made a loooooot of resolutions, let me tell you. But I'm uhh... not so great with structure, so a lot of them fell to the wayside pretty quick. Eventually I learned to set more realistic goals for myself. Like this past year, my resolution was to eat at every pizza place on DoorDash! Sticking to that resolution was a piece of cake... or should I say, a slice of pizza!

[adapembroke]

Capricorn Season: Learning Your Limits

Given the hard words I've had for New Year's resolutions, you would think that the gym would be the last place you would expect to find me in January. I'll be honest, I had my doubts when I started a new exercise practice in at the new year, but my boyfriend and exercise buddy is a master of using the energy of the first few months of the year to kick off major life changes and new habits. For his sake--and with the hope of learn something about how he does it--I swallowed my astrological reservations and handed over the cash for a yearly membership at the gym. I predicted when I joined that the gym would be the classroom when the sun was in Capricorn. This prediction turned out to be accurate. This is what I learned during Capricorn season...

Lesson #1: Knowing Your Real Limits is Hard

Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn, is the planet of limits. Something that I have learned repeatedly from Saturn transits is that I don't know where my limits are. Most of the time, I push myself too hard. I am infamous for taking risks and continuing tasks that I shouldn't continue for the sake of keeping an agreement or meeting benchmarks. (This is unsurprising, since my Saturn is ruled by Mars.) Time and time again, I have learned the value of listening to my feelings and trusting them to tell me when to stop before I break. It was a great surprise to me to realize that, when it comes to exercise, I have a hard time with limits in the opposite direction. The first week was amazing. I pushed myself hard and loved every minute of it. My body ached, and my muscles were screaming, but I felt like I was doing something worth doing, and I've rode that high through four sessions of practice. Predictably, after a couple of days of rest, I lost the enthusiasm I had when I first started. The week before, 30 minutes on the treadmill had come easily. 4 minutes into my first session during the second week, the muscles in my calves hurt more than they ever had in my life. I heard the voice of my childhood physical therapist in my head. He said, "You know the difference between sore muscles and dangerous joint pain. Stop immediately when you feel joint pain. Otherwise, keep going." Even with this reassurance, I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to make half the time I committed to, but I couldn't face stopping after only five minutes. I set 10 minutes as my new benchmark and kept going, prepared to face the consequences of pushing when I shouldn't. I winced with every step, convinced that the pain was going to get worse. It didn't get better, but, to my surprise, it didn't get worse either. I hit the 10 minute mark, and a song I really liked came up on the random station I was listening to. 15 minutes and I liked that song, too. 20 minutes, and it felt silly to stop when I was so close to my goal. At 30 minutes and 20 seconds in, I was in no more pain than when I was after 4 minutes. I slammed the stop button, my goal achieved. I waited for the consequences to arrive, and they didn't. The next day I was fine, and I was able to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill that day, too. My physical therapist was right. Keeping on was the right thing to do. It made me wonder how often I suffer more than I have to because of the anticipation of pain. How often do I quit before I need to because I assume that anything bad is going to get worse? There's a saying in investing that past performance doesn't predict future results. It's easy to assume when you look see something trending in a certain direction that that it's going to continue that way forever unless something changes, but many things have natural limits built into them. Kittens may grow into cats, but they will never be as big as a house. It takes discernment to figure out when you should make decisions based on how you think things will be in the future and when you need to believe in your ability to push through in the present and keep going.

Lesson #2: Sometimes, Things Aren't as Hard as You Think

During my first week at the gym, there was a machine that absolutely terrified me. I don't know what it's actually called, but, in my head, it's the Superman Machine. Using it requires you to thread your body through these padded iron bars so that only your legs are (kind of) supported as your body tips up at a 45 degree angle. The exercise is to hold yourself there and then bend over with your arms folded over your chest so that, if you fall, the top of your head will crack on the floor. Then you have to lift yourself back up to that 45 degree angle using only your back and the backs of your legs. The first time I tried it, I absolutely refused to cross my arms over my chest. I knew it would defeat the point of the exercise to use my arms to help, but I insisted on keeping them hovering just over the support bars, so I could save myself if my legs gave way. I was able to manage doing two bends before I stopped to have a quiet panic in the corner. The following week, I was expecting more of the same. Maybe, I thought, I would be able to manage *three* bends. Instead, I discovered that other exercises I'd done that week had strengthened my core more than I thought, and the arrangement that had terrified me the week before didn't seem so bad at all. I completed a full set of bends and grinned at my boyfriend's surprise as I pranced off to the treadmill for cardio.

Lesson #3: Sometimes Things Are Harder Than You Think (And Pushing Through Isn't the Answer)

The week after I thought I'd made my peace with the Superman Machine, I found myself right back where I started. I did one bend before I flipped out. "There are alternatives for this, you know," my boyfriend said, and I agreed immediately. The machine we tried not only wasn't only less terrifying, it was actually fun, and I found that it targeted the muscles we were trying to exercise much better than the Superman Machine. Sometimes, the easy way is the right way.

Lesson #4: Things Go in Cycles

After the amazing first week, I was convinced that the pleasure I got from it was temporary. It must have been the endorphins giving me a nice push, I thought, rewarding me for that initial effort. I settled in for an infinite slog. And the slog did continue. I slogged through my routine for a few weeks, but just as Capricorn season was coming to an end, I sensed a change in the air, like the smell of springtime. I was looking forward to a good workout. I didn't expect much. I went to the gym like always. I expected it to be hard, and it was hard. As I walked on the treadmill--with much less hysterical pushing now because I'd finally realized my practice was a marathon, not a sprint--I felt my pleasure rising. I bumped up the speed and grooved with the rhythm of my music, and in my head, I was flying.

[treadmilltreats]

Don't make New Year's resolutions, make life resolutions

Every year we all make New Year's resolutions. We vow to go to the gym more, eat right, make more money, do the things we should be doing already but aren't. Us gym rats know that the gym is packed the first month of the year but by the last week in January, not so much. By the second week in February, it's just us die-hards that are in there again.

So why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we make these resolutions only to break them and then make ourselves feel bad? I don't know but eight years ago I decided I wasn't going to make any resolutions. I was going to make life resolutions, to do something to change who I was as a person inside.

These have been my life resolutions that have literally changed my life.

2014 was: Let go and let God

This meant I couldn't control everything. I couldn't figure out all of my problems, so if I wanted to change my life I had to let go of control and give it to God. See God kept giving me messages but I thought I knew better. This was a game changer for me.

2015 was: Pray and let God worry

I remember while I was getting divorced, I was stressing so much that I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and my hair was falling out. I even thought I was having a heart attack at one point. I couldn't go on believing in God and keep stressing, it didn't make sense, did I believe or not? Do I have faith or not? So I chose to pray and let God worry and that was the best decision I ever made.

2016 was: Be present in my purpose

I know I am here for a purpose. I know God gave me this gift of writing, to be able to touch others with my words. So in 2016, I chose to be present in that purpose and know that this is where I am supposed to be.

My bible verse has always been: Romans 8.28

"God causes everything to happen for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them"

I have been present in this verse and in my life, ever since.

2017 was: Be real to yourself

For me it's listening to that voice inside yourself. It's feeling what makes you happy, trusting what God is telling you, what is real. We often poo poo things in our minds, we know deep down what the message is but we don't want to listen.

I heard the messages and I have acted quickly on them as I now trust God and my intuition. This was a hard one for me and sometimes I reverted into my old ways but since this resolution, I have been quicker to learn my lessons and move on.

2018: Knowing your self worth.

This was also a hard one for me, as I've lost my self worth a long time ago and hadn't gotten it back. I used to let men use me, I'd run after men who aren't worth my time. I've made excuses for bad behavior of people and given way too many chances to people who've hurt me.

I had to practice what I preach, the things I write about to my readers. I needed to show others how to treat me, with love and respect and if not, then you're outta here. I now know my self worth and it's a wonderful feeling.

2019: To realize that I am a soldier.

I had to realize that God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and that's me. Whether I want it or not, this is who he called me to be. This is so I can share my testimony with others.

2020 was to be happy within myself.

It doesn't matter what people say, whether they think it's right or wrong, this is your life. You can be dead tomorrow and I know this as I lost many loved ones suddenly and so I know how short life can truly be. You need to do what makes you happy now. Don't try to live your life pleasing others, because most times they will never be happy with themselves. I will do what makes me happy, as long as I am not hurting anyone. This is my life and I will live it my way.

For 2021 my life resolution was

Do not lose heart

It is from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is"

2022 Be happy

Was

about being happy with yourself. You cannot make anyone else happy but you can find the happiness within.

2023 will be Shit happens

A lot of shit happened this last year and I've realized that's just life.

Shit will happen and life goes on, but we can't let it bring us down, or knock us out. There will be some great years and there will be some really shitty years but our attitude is the only thing we can change.

I know this life is only temporary, and through it all I have not lost heart. Even when I couldn't see what was coming at me, I held on to my faith, and I looked for the lessons in this craziness in the world. I was grateful for things even when the world seemed bleak.

See, you cannot change, you cannot get this, if you still will not let go, if you still do not have faith...it's all on you. Can you get out of your own way to make things happen?

Once we let go of these things, once we let go of control, once we learn faith and we pray and let God worry, things will change. Once we are present in our purpose, once we are real with ourselves, once we own who we are called to be, once we are happy with ourselves and our life then everything we ever wanted, everything we ever lost, everything that was stolen from us, will be returned in abundance.

So today my friends, I tell you that this is your year, you are the only one that can change things in your life. If you truly want them to change, you have to do the work and believe me, sometimes it's not easy.

If I can do it, then you can too. Change your life today...

Don't make New Year's resolutions, make life resolutions...start today.

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreats

[writeraquamarinara]

as with everything else in life, I’m late to making this post. I tend to make one around Jan 1st every year, but it’s now a few days after that, and all i can say for myself is that time is non-consequential during a pandemic, right? right.

anywho, this is my usual “thank you for keeping me going this year” post, but with even more fervor. 2020 would not have been nearly as tolerable without you all in it. and when i say all i really do mean all. thank you to anyone who follows me here or has read and supported my work on AO3 or has sent me a message or an ask or even just likes my posts. you can never know how many people’s hearts you’ve touched, lives you’ve made better, but i’m telling you now: you made me smile and laugh and feel love in a year that could have easily stolen all that. thank you for sticking around.

a few more specific shoutouts are under the cut to keep from flooding your dashes. i hope you’re all having a wonderful start to the new year.

much love, mari

to @anniemurphys: ria, i cannot thank you enough, for so many things. you played such a vital role in turning this year around for me. your friendship, and the friendships you’ve helped me make through book club, kept me smiling from week to week. i never wanted to leave our meetings, no matter how long they’d already gone. I could listen to your literary analyses and life advice for days on end. you’re such a kind, patient, loving person, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. here’s to another year of freaking out over taylor swift albums and the power inherent in voluntarily turning oneself into vegetation.

to @bigdsgirl: heidi, you’re one of the sweetest, most hard-working people i know. you amaze me, and you graciously humor my latest hyper fixations—somehow always knowing, always reblogging content related to what i’m obsessing over at the moment. you give such great advice and have such a calming presence that i love being in chats and on calls with you. i cannot wait for more zoom movie nights in 2021.

to @hellodinoflower: raptor, you’ve supported me for so many years now, and whenever i feel down about my writing i’ll go back through the comments on some of my old fics and yours always make me tear up. you’re so thoughtful and kind and excited about my work that i cannot help but be the same. i hope you enjoyed the little dino reference in pride & publishing—i tried my best, i really did—and i hope you’re doing well. sending you so much love.

to @soyforramen: soy, i promise i’ll get to your head canon asks some day. i promise i haven’t forgotten them; i’m just uncreative and uninspired, but what else is new. you, however, are brilliant and kind and thoughtful, and your guidance in making both life and fic-writing decisions has been so important to me this year. wishing you so much luck with school this year, and even more happiness.

to @ithoughtyoulikedmereckless: rach, where to even begin? you’re the person i talk to when i’m feeling happy or sad or annoyed or angry or pretty much anything, really. our FaceTime convos are my favourite, no matter what time of day we have them at (somehow, the ones at 10pm are just as crazy as the ones at 3am, and i don’t really understand how or why, but i love that for us). i’ve learned so much about myself through my conversations with you, and you keep me level headed when i start doubting myself too much. you understand me on such an amazing level and i’m so lucky that you reached out to me so many years ago. i’m so lucky that we just happened to find each other on here and just so happened to move near each other this year. i still cannot believe i get to see you in person and go on walks in the woods with you. you’re such a talented photographer, writer, painter, baker, and all around artist; an incredibly kind and funny person; and i aspire to be you. i’m rambling now, but just know that i love you.

to @catthecoder: lav, my light, my love. seeing your icon and username on my dash makes me smile so hard. you just give off the best vibes and chatting with you always leaves me feeling like i’ve been basking in the sunlight for the past few hours. we need to make a resolution to sprint with each other more often this year, even if 2021 is going to be as hectic as ever, as i find so much joy in reading your snippets as we go along. you’re such a wonderful writer, and i often read your gift to me from years ago for inspiration and comfort. i hope you’re doing well and am sending so much love.

to @stirringsofconsciousness: stirrings!! i know you’ve had a super busy year, but you still made time to chat with me and i’ll be forever grateful. i often think about the advice you’ve left for me and the thoughtful responses you’ve given to my personal posts and find so much inspiration in your own words and actions. i also still cannot get over the time when you sent me a post of artful vases because you thought of me when you saw them. mortifying ordeal of being known who? anyways lol, i just wanted to thank you for being in my life and wish you a happy 2021.

to @heavy-lies-the-crown: alex, i just wanted to thank you for putting your time and energy towards answering my incessant questions this year. you’ve been an inspiration to me as a writer ever since i first found your work, but you’re also an inspiration to me as a person, and i’m always thinking about the advice you’ve given me. i hope you had a wonderful end to 2020, and that 2021 brings you even more joy than seeing your posts on my dash brings me. much love.

to @stonerbughead: maria, you brought so much happiness to my 2020. your support for my work took my breath away every time, and I swear I nearly cried when I saw your latest comments on pride and publishing. you put so much time and energy into this fandom, and into supporting the people in it, and I hope you know that it doesn’t go unnoticed. we all love you, and we’re so lucky to have you; your fics are brilliant, your podcast highlights are a joy to read, and your disdain for ras is hilarious. thank you for being you. sending lots of love.

to @sullypants: sully, it’s been years and i still marvel at how lucky i am to know you. you’ve taught me so much, from how to be more thoughtful to how to navigate therapy and self-love to how to be a kinder person in the world. you introduced me to ask polly and you send me really nice asks and you’re one of like four people who interacts with my posts on a consistent basis, which makes me feel a little less alone in the world, if that makes any sense. i’m going to stop myself from rambling on or else i might cry, but i just wanted to thank you for—here comes the cliche—changing my life (doesn’t everyone we meet change our lives, in some way or another? but you’ve changed mine considerably, and for the better). sending you so much love (in the form of both yellow and blue heart emojis)

to @justcourbeau: mel, our paths cross less frequently now than they used to, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think about you and the conversations we’ve had, or smile when i come across your posts on my dash, or when i happen to open up instagram once in a blue moon and see you’ve posted on your story. please never stop sending me sparknotes memes—especially cask of amontillado ones. your words of advice from the night i called you, distraught, a few years ago live in my brain rent free, and i will continue to carry them into 2021 with me. i hope 2021 treats you well, and that you achieve all you want and more. sending you an immense amount of love.

to @protectorofthesmoll: your string of comments on pride and publishing made me cry multiple times, i swear. i still read them back every so often, when i’m trying to muster the courage to start up on the new chapter. your support means so much to me, and it amazes me how far back it goes: I’m pretty sure I have at least two asks of yours sitting in my inbox, from back in 2018 when I had barely any followers or supporters, both of them writing prompts that I never filled. i promise i’ll get to them one day. anywho, i just wanted to thank you for your support this year, and every year before that. wishing you so much love and happiness in 2021.

to @panalegs27: 2020 was the year of figuring out that we have so much in common: a hatred of dating apps, confusion over tumblr’s obsession with the raven cycle, and an attraction to logan lerman with gray hair. thank you for chatting about all of these things, and more, with me; seeing that you’ve sent me a post always makes me smile, and our conversations make me laugh. wishing you even more love and laughter in 2021.

to @indiebughead: maria, it’s been so lovely getting to know you more over the course of this year. i love listening to your stories and living vicariously through you, lol. (i want updates on new neighbor boy, asap!) thank you for listening to my petty rants and for encouraging me to make bad decisions and be salty on main when i want to be. i couldn’t have asked for a more supportive conspirer ;) sending lots of love.

to @redundantoxymorons: iz, you’re one of the smartest, most eloquent, most supportive people i know. i know 2021 will be both stressful and exciting in many ways, and i wish you all the best. i know you’re going to thrive wherever you end up, and i’ll cheer you on as you navigate this new world, just as you’ve done for me all these years. i’m so lucky to have you as a friend, supporter, and beta, and all of our conversations bring me so much joy. pls continue to gush about taylor swift and rec books and send uquizzes with results that make me feel Known in 2021. i love you very much <3

to @cracklr: leda, i’ve missed your passive aggressive smiley faces, but your gushing insta comment more than made up for that, i promise :) sending you so much love and happiness in this new year <3

to @dottie-wan-kenobi: dottie, the posts we send each other make me so upset, but in a good way—the “if i just had to see this nasty shit then so do you” kind of way—and i love that about our relationship. who else would understand how disgustingly hilarious something is other than my wife? no one, that’s who. i often think about how you were the first friend i made in fandom, and i’ll be forever grateful for that: i couldn’t have found a better person. i love you so much, and am sending you all my love.

this list of shoutouts is really much shorter than it should be, but my brain is currently friend and i cannot seem to think properly anymore. therefore, i’m going to call it a day and reiterate my above statements that I love you all, and I hope you have a fucking amazing 2021.