#i kept switching who i was speaking to but that's okay lol

[trust-over-love]

The conversation sucked but was so what I needed. I was asked to respect his decision to move on. & I asked for the respect to not have sex anymore. Because I love my husband & it makes it harder for me to move on. I was being cordial, not trying to fight. But instead of saying okay & ending the conversation I get shit talked about me. Like what?

I want to move on peacefully as well, just as he requested & not having sex with someone I love who no longer loves me back makes me wrong? So much negative things being said to me. When the convo could’ve been so short. Just crazy. Proves me how toxic he truly is.

But the conversation was needed for me to understand that I am not the only one who messed up. I was lied to & made to believe we’d always work through it & always get stronger through our downfalls. I mean I literally got all the proof of his betrayal, but to him it was nothing & I’m the bad guy. He told me to stay when I should’ve left & now he denies it lmao Okay. We both messed up. Take accountability as I have. I was willing to always try & you lied about never giving up & always trying & that divorce was never an option. Thanks for showing me your true colors. Even showing me how much of a snitch he is by threatening me with law enforcement like really. Thank you for the push. I’m with our kids 85% of the time cause you work a lot & that’s okay I understand that but you threaten to try to get me in trouble with the law. Fake AF. So unbelievable but it’s okay. Thank god I didn’t decide to go back to that place when you asked me to for our kids. I knew it wasn’t gonna be a good idea & I’m so thankful I stuck to my gut feeling.

& he’s mad I use this app to vent instead of talking to people & posting on apps where people know us. Don’t nobody know me here. Don’t nobody even care. You left me, you can’t dictate how I heal myself from being fooled. Crazy how the truth unfolds when things get rough.

[radawayghoul]

His Little Dove | Chapter 1

The Plan

Warnings: cursing, slight age difference, innuendos, height difference, ummm calling people names, angst, i think i switched from second to third POV at a certain point so..bad/subpar writing is a warning lol, 18+ only, MDNI

Pairing: Lee Russell x Reader (AFAB)

Word Count: 2,123

A/N: it's finnniisshheeddd!! ugh i actually am so insanely proud of this chapter!! thank you so much to everyone who has been waiting to read this!! i'm genuinely so honored and am starting chapter two as we speak!! the comments and stuff really motivate me so much 🥹

 Following behind Lee and Neal, Y/N listened in on their conversation, a bit confused as to why you’d been invited. 

“Oh, Jesus Christ, the bloodbath begins,” Lee said around a mouth full of smoke, “She’s got me off my rocker, Gamby. We gotta act quick,” Lee adjusted his hold on his cigarette, “Now, she’s tied up in teacher reviews for the next 72 minutes. That gives us some time.” 

Y/N arched a brow. “Time to do what, Lee?” You questioned him, “Who exactly are we sabotaging?” Y/N knew the name of Lee’s game by now. 

“Oh, great, Russell, why did you invite her?! She’s not even familiar with the parameters of our plan!” Neal exclaimed, yanking his toothpick out from between his teeth, pausing in the middle of the school parking lot. 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Gamby!” Lee whined, “Treat Y/N with a little respect! Ohhh, Y/N, darlin’, I’m so sorry for this fat fuckin’ losers disrespect, please just ignore him, okay, pretty bird?” Lee gave you a sickeningly sweet smile before turning back to Neal with a disgruntled look, “Loosen the fuck up or I will do this shit on my own motherfucker. Now, let’s go dig up some dirt on that grimy bitch.” 

Neal scoffed but followed after Lee begrudgingly, Y/N speeding up her steps to keep up. 

You had no idea WHO you were sabotaging but you weren’t one to say no to Lee. You never said no to Lee Russell. And you absolutely never fucking would. 

-----------

The three of them rolled up on a house that Y/N knew all too well. Lee’s house. This did little to lessen your confusion but you trusted Lee. 

“Is this where she lives? What a shit-hole.” Neal chuckled. 

Y/N snorted as Lee ripped off his sunglasses. 

“This is my house, motherfucker! It’s a mid-century sea ranch!” Lee yelled, huffing a sigh before continuing, “Now, stay here, I gotta go get somethin’.” Lee got out of the car and strutted towards his front door. 

“You should go easier on him, Neal. Really.” Y/N said, crossing her arms, leaning back into her seat. 

“Oh shut up, Y/N! God! Stop being so pretentious.” Neal groaned, rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses. 

Y/N looked over as Lee was followed out of the house by his screaming mother-in-law, Mi Cha, looking stressed to the heavens. 

“Shut up! Shut up! All I hear is gibberish from you, shut up! Go back in the house!” Lee yelled before turning to walk towards the car, “Like nails on a fuckin’ chalkboard.” He groaned, stopping when he got to the car, closing his eyes in frustration as the woman kept screaming, “GO BACK IN THE HOUSE!!!” He yelled louder this time, pointing angrily at the open door. 

“FUCK YOU!” Mi Cha yelled, finally walking back inside. 

Lee grunted as he got back inside the car, a noise that made the butterflies in the pit of your stomach stir, shoving a bag into the back of the car into your lap. 

“Y/N, would you be a dear and hold this?” Lee smiled at Y/N, always being so sweet with her, even if he was out of breath. His smile dropped, however, the minute he turned towards Neal. “Go.” Lee demanded.

“Everything okay?” Neal questioned. 

“Just go.” Lee sighed, leaning heavily into the passenger seat. 

Y/N’s heart hurt for Lee. He was always under so much stress. Ever since his mother-in-law moved in, he had not been doing so well. He’d been a bit…wilder than usual. Always wanting to get into something scandalous or cause some sort of raucous to relieve his stress. Was it always the best solution? No. No it wasn’t. But, Y/N wasn’t going to deny Lee any sort of stress relief…even if it did mean they’d have to cover for him. 

-----------

Neal cleared his throat as the three of them continued their journey to wherever it was that they were going. 

“So, uh, was that woman your wife?” Neal asked, looking over at Lee nervously. 

Y/N couldn’t help but giggle slightly. 

Lee looked at him completely disgusted. “Don’t be asking me personal questions. We ain’t fuckin’ friends, okay? This is business.” Lee scoffed. 

“Leeee..” Y/N said quietly, leaning up slightly to rest their hand on Lee’s shoulder, “Breathe.” Y/N massaged his shoulder, trying to help him relax. 

Lee relaxed a little into Y/N’s touch, taking a deep breath. Y/N was really the only one to have this sort of effect on Lee. She could calm him in almost any and all situations unless he was really, really stressed. 

“Friends?” Neal laughed, “I am not trying to be your friend.” 

“Over here tryin’ to make a fuckin’ friend and we about to do a mission.” Lee scoffed, leaning back into Y/N’s touch even further. 

Neal looked between the two of them with a raised brow, “You’re the one trying to make friends the most.” Neal challenged. 

Lee sighed, slipping his sunglasses back onto his nose. “Just shut up, Gamby, god!” 

Y/N shook her head at the two of them, pulling her hand off of Lee to sit back once more. 

-----------

The group of them rolled to a stop in a very well-off looking neighborhood. 

“Who are we here for, Lee?” Y/N questioned, peering out the window of the car. 

“Dr. Brown’s deep, dark secrets.” Lee smiled mischievously, chewing on his bottom lip. 

“Belinda?! Lee…honey, I need you to bring yourself back to earth for a moment. You know I support you in all that you do but this is a suicide mission, sweetheart.” Y/N told him sweetly, sighing a little. She knew this man was up to something scandalous. 

“Don’t start, Y/N. God, you both just really wanna piss on my parade, don’t you? Maybe you two should be fuckin’ butt buddies and I’ll do the work that fuckin’ matters.” Lee grumbled, getting out of the car. 

Y/N sighed, following after him while Neal awkwardly stayed in the car. 

“Lee, sweetheart, you know it’s not like that at all!” Y/N said, walking over to place a hand on his back, “Don’t get all grumpy with me like that, it hurts my feelings, doll.” Y/N frowned up at him. 

Lee scanned Y/N’s face with his famous sad puppy dog eyes before letting out a frustrated sigh. “Alright fine, fuck!” He exclaimed, looking down at his feet, “I’m sorry, okay? There I said it. Now, come help me take this dirty bitch to hell?” Lee looked at Y/N with a cute smile, batting his lashes at her. 

Y/N closed her eyes. “I’m gonna regret this..but fine. I’d do anything for you.” Y/N muttered, shaking her head. 

“Are you two weirdos finished? We’re running out of fucking time!” Neal grumbled as he stomped over to them. 

Lee rolled his eyes, grabbing Y/N’s hand to drag her towards Dr. Brown’s house. “Shut up, Gamby!” 

The three of them shortly arrived at Belinda’s house where Neal and Lee began digging their way through the woman’s garbage. 

“Ugh,” Y/N gave them a disgusted look, “Lee, I love you, but that is fucking repulsive.” 

“Oh, please, just pretend I’m digging in your ass, that’ll make the picture a whole lot prettier.” Lee winked at Y/N with a smirk.

Y/N’s breath caught in her throat, heat rapidly rising to her cheeks. “Lee fucking Russell, do not say that shit to me,” Y/N crossed her arms over her chest, feeling sheepish. 

“Don’t pretend like you don’t love it when I talk dirty to you, darlin’.” Lee’s smile grew as he took in her red appearance. 

“So..uh..I’m confused, are you two like..dating..or..?” Neal questioned, watching the pair with an expressionless face. 

“NO!” Y/N said much too quickly before steadying herself, “No, we’re just friends. Lee just doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up.” She grumbled. 

Lee placed an offended hand on his chest. “That no was a little too quick for my liking. What? Am I not good enough for you little miss honors English teacher? Huh? Not good enough for the little straight A, fuckin’ teacher of the goddamn year?!” Lee scoffed, his brows narrowed slightly. He looked genuinely hurt by her rushed response. 

“You’re fucking married, Lee!” Y/N yelled at him, eyes wide, “Why the fuck would I ever agree to someone asking if we’re dating, idiot?!” 

“Oh, don’t you start callin’ me fuckin’ names now, missy!” Lee pointed an accusing finger at her, scrunching his face up the way he does when he’s upset about something. 

“Right. Okay um, it seems like you two have a lot to work out and I really don’t care to hear the rest of this conversation because you’re both fucking stupid and I don’t care about either of you.” Neal ranted awkwardly before walking towards Belinda’s steps.

Y/N and Lee rolled their eyes at each other, following after Neal. 

“Oh..there’s no fucking way we’re breaking in here!” Y/N scolded, giving Lee a disapproving look. 

Lee shrugged, shooing Neal towards the door. 

Neal popped off his tie, wrapped it around his hand, and busted open one of the windows on the back door before sticking his hand through to pop the lock. 

“Jesus Christ,” Y/N muttered, shaking her head. She pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh, “what are y’all getting me into?” 

“Oh shush.” Lee scolded, waltzing into Belinda’s house behind Neal. 

Y/N followed close behind. “Lee, we should not be doing this. You’re smarter than this.” 

Lee stopped and turned around to give her a cold gaze. “Am I, Y/N? Hm?” He challenged, walking towards her dangerously slow, “You don’t really know me all that well, do you?” He smirked, standing so close to her she could feel his breath fanning her face. 

Y/N gulped, trembling slightly as she peered up at him. “Stop it,” She said quietly, looking away from him, “You always fucking tease me and it’s not fucking fair, Lee, jesus.” She snapped, immediately turning and walking back out the door. 

Lee chased after her, grabbing her by her elbow. “Hey now. What's the matter with you?! Where the fuck are you going?” 

“Back to my fucking job, Lee. I am not doing this. Belinda hasn’t done shit to me. Look…I love you, Lee, I really do. You’re my best friend but this job is my fucking life. But you wouldn’t get that, would you? Because you’ve got fucking everything. You’re married, you’ve got a beautiful home, a nice car.” Y/N took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. She was overwhelmed with her feelings. His teasing usually never bothered her but today...today was different for some reason. She just couldn't go through with this any longer. “I understand why you’re doing this..and I want to help you, Lee, believe me, I do. But I can’t lose this job.” Y/N finally looked up at him, almost taken aback by the sincere look on his face. 

“Go,” He said, softly, “I’ll meet you back at the school..okay? For lunch. Like always.” Lee held out his pinky. It was their tradition to link pinkies when making plans as a promise to not let each other down. 

Y/N nodded, curling her smaller pinky around his larger one. “Like always.” She pulled her hand away, starting her journey back to the school on foot. It wasn’t far, she wouldn’t have any trouble getting there but leaving Lee behind like that when he had been counting on her to help him really broke her heart. But she couldn’t lose this job. It was all she had that kept her connected to Lee and she’d be the first to go if anyone found out about this scheme. She couldn’t risk it - couldn’t risk her livelihood and her job. Lee was everything to her. Everything. Lee was and always will be her livelihood. 

-----------

Back at Belinda’s, Lee walked back into the house with a determined look on his face, now upset that his one and only friend bailed on him. 

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” Neal said while scanning the wall of Belinda’s photos.

“What the fuck did you just say to me, Gamby?” Lee said pissily, narrowing his brows at him. 

“That girl loves you..and you’re just blind to it..I’m not good with women but you shouldn’t use her the way you do.” Neal shrugged. 

“Shut the fuck up, you ass face, you have no fucking idea what you’re even talkin’ about.” Lee scoffed, stomping off up the stairs of Belinda’s house. 

That couldn’t be right, could it? Could you really love him in that way? 

‘No,’ Lee thought, shaking his head, ‘There’s no way…right?’ 

Right? 

--

tag list: @one-of-thewalkingdead @itsyellow @ajeff855 @vulgarfuckinvirgo77 @casiaregina @dried-mushroom @justme12200 @wtfwhyanyway @sequoiassoul @saturnbourne @ryankaylamartin96 @avidreadee123 @theweirdoneee @saltysultry @radskull-69 @deviantgamergirl @caligrl1992 @littlenosoul @sir-henry-may @spatialwave @danveration

[slut4thebroken]

Exposure Therapy pt. 5

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Jonathan Crane × reader

Summary | Dr. Crane apologizes and shows you an unusual amount of kindness.

Warnings | 18+, sexual content, smut, p in v sex, unprotected sex, after care? (kind of), kissing, hickeys, cunnilingus, comfort, he stops being an asshole lol, crying.

Words | 3.5k

Notes | Okay I’m trying to make the switch realistic with his character but it’s hard portraying someone so cold who’s trying not to show any emotion at all lmao while still portraying to the reader that the shift is there.

Ao3 link | <3

Fic Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Part 4

Almost two weeks went by before you saw him again. With a clear head, you tried to replay it and figure out what you could’ve done, but as you were doing that, it didn’t occur to you that you’re not supposed to care- that you don’t want to care. So why were those two weeks so agonizing? 

You were nervous to see him again. Would he still be mean and cold toward you? Should you confront him or pretend nothing happened? You didn’t have time to choose before you were at his door, being pushed in by the orderly. You kept your head down, not wanting to face him if he’s still acting the same. 

“Sit.” It didn't sound mean? At least you’re pretty sure it didn’t. You tentatively walked toward your chair, then sat down, leg bouncing incessantly. “Something on your mind?” He asked, making you stiffen slightly. 

“No.” You said quietly, but loud enough where he wouldn’t get upset with you for not speaking clearly. 

“Is there a reason you won’t look at me?” Yeah, I’m worried I’m going to find that same look of hatred that brought me to tears. 

“No.” 

“Then will you look at me?” You sighed quietly and bit your lip, then lifted your head. He wasn’t visibly upset, but you were still wary. You couldn’t hold his gaze for long, having to look at the wall behind him or at his desk. 

“I apologize for my… unprofessional behavior last time we met.” He said calmly. Always so fucking calm. Or, mostly. 

“It’s okay.” You muttered, looking down at your hands as you anxiously picked at your cuticles, wincing when one started to bleed. 

“Then can you explain why you’re behaving differently?” You swore he almost started to sound annoyed. 

“Just tired today.” You shrugged. 

“Now you’re lying too?” 

“No- I’m sorry. I really am just tired.” You said, forcing yourself to look at him to seem more convincing. He eyed you skeptically for a moment before sighing and taking off his glasses. 

“Your embittered attitude is fallacious, it was nothing you did.” He said indifferently. You looked away from him again, definitely not feeling better than before his explanation, especially because you barely understood half of it. 

“You hurt me.” You whispered, making him sigh. 

“What?” 

“You yelled at me and grabbed me. The bruise only went away a couple days ago.” You said quietly, then swallowed the lump in your throat. “I don’t-“ Your voice cut off as you got choked up, but you forced yourself to continue. “I don’t understand why you did that if it wasn’t something I did.” You whimpered, letting out a shaky breath. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, but you didn’t believe it. You didn’t believe that he was apologizing for any reason other than soothing you so you’ll go back to normal and he can get on with everything. 

“It’s fine.” You whispered, not letting yourself audibly cry even though the tears already started falling. 

“I’m sorry.” He said again, firmer this time. “The drugs in your system made you more sensitive to any kind of negative feedback and I didn’t keep that in mind when I got upset.” 

“I still don’t understand why you got upset though.” You kept your eyes on your lap as you sniffled, the tears calming down a bit. 

“You were right. When you said I need to be in control- you were right. I knew what was going to happen and what I was going to do, but- I changed it because of you. And the realization upset me. That’s why I behaved the way I did.” 

“…So it was my fault?” You whimpered, making him sigh. You heard his chair move back and his footsteps, then he was dropping down in front of you, gently tilting your head up by your chin. 

“It was mine. And I’m sorry.” He said, never breaking eye contact. 

“Oh… I’m sorry I made you change it.” You said quietly, making him scoff a laugh as he brushed away the lingering tears on your cheeks. 

“You feel better now?” He asked, but it was genuine, not him just trying to move on. You nodded and he gave you a small smile that you couldn’t help but return. When your eyes followed the movement though, you suddenly realized that you’ve never even kissed him yet. The thought was… disappointing? You’re not sure what the right word is. 

“Good.” He said, placing a hand on your thigh. “Would you like to continue your treatment today? Or not yet.” Your brows furrowed at the question. Why is he letting you choose? Is it a trick question?

“Um… I- I don’t…” He seemed to pick up on your confusion. 

“I’m not going to be upset if you say no. I’m genuinely asking.” He said, keeping any emotion in his tone to a minimum. You stared into pale blue eyes as you thought.

“I just don’t wanna do anything like last time.” You said tentatively. 

“Last time was a punishment. You’re not being punished today.” 

“Okay… Then, yes.” He seemed pleased by your answer and he moved onto his knees, placing both hands on your thighs. 

“I want to do something we’ve only done once before.” He started sliding his hands up and down your covered thighs, making you squirm in your seat. “Can I take these off?” He asked, gesturing to your pants. You nodded and lifted your hips off the chair enough for him to slide them down your legs. He continued teasingly dragging his hands up and down your thighs, never getting close to where you wanted him. You whined and squirmed under him, making him look up at you with a teasing glint in his eyes. He moved his hands to the outside of your thighs then snaked them up to your hips, resting them on your underwear. 

“Can I take these off too?” You nodded, breathless. He quickly pulled them down your legs, discarding them with your pants, then spread your legs. You blushed as he stared at your sex, but it got even darker when he pulled your hips forward to the edge of the chair and tilted them up more. He snaked a hand up your thigh until he could lightly brush his thumb over your clit. When your breath hitched he looked up at you again.  

“Tell me what you want.” He rasped, eyes trailing down your body. When he saw your covered chest be pulled away and took your shirt off, then continued the feather light touch. 

“I- I want…” 

“Use your words. C’mon I know you can.” You whined, resisting burying your face in your hands. 

“Want your mouth…” You said quietly, just barely audible. 

“Yeah? Where?” He moved down and placed open mouthed kisses on your inner thigh, then moved to the other one. “Here?” He asked, kissing up your thigh to your hip, but he skipped over your core and went to your stomach. “Or maybe here?” You whined and he kissed up to your breasts, letting his breath fan over your nipple. “What about here?” He rasped, sucking it into his mouth. You let out a shaky breath at the feeling, not used to him being so soft with you. When another needy whine slipped out, he moved to the other one, working it over in his mouth until it hardened. 

“Please.” You pouted, making him pull back to look at you. 

“Please what? I’m giving you my mouth like you wanted.” He said coyly and you frowned. 

“Want it on my- my… cunt.” You whispered, tears welling in your eyes from the humiliation. He didn’t bother with a response before moving back down between your legs and spreading them even wider. He placed a light kiss on your clit, making your hips buck toward the stimulation. When he licked a long stripe up your folds, you let out a loud moan, quickly placing your hand over your mouth to silence yourself. 

“Keep that up and I’ll stop.” He warned, making you slowly lower your hand. He dove back in, sucking your clit into his mouth, letting out a muffled chuckle when you gasped out and bucked your hips again. Moving down to your hole, he fucked his tongue inside of you and your hips started rutting against his face as you placed your hands in his hair, gasping and pulling away once you realized. 

“I- I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” You rushed out, worried you had set him off. Instead, he grabbed your hands and placed them back on his head, never removing his mouth from your cunt. Threading your fingers through his hair, you marveled at how soft it was. When you gave an experimental tug, he moaned against you, making you do it even harder without thinking. 

He lapped up your arousal, the noise obscene in the otherwise quiet room, then moved to your clit, flicking his tongue over it before sucking it into his mouth. 

“Oh god,” You sobbed out. Because you haven’t had an orgasm in over two weeks, you were already getting close. He slipped two fingers inside your eager hole and immediately started curling them against your walls, making you let out a loud moan. Your grip tightened on his hair as your hips started bucking against his face, chasing the pleasure. 

“Dr. Crane, I- I’m…” You trailed off into a moan and waited as long as you could for him to reply to your warning with denial, but he never did. If anything, that made him work harder until he pushed you over the edge. You sobbed out a moan, feeling overwhelmed by the intense pleasure as he never even slowed during your orgasm. When you sagged into the chair and relaxed your grip on his hair, he pulled back, removing his fingers and sucking your arousal off them. 

“Do you want me to fuck you?” He rasped and you nodded, staring down at him with dazed, half lidded eyes. “If you want something, you need to ask nicely.” Part of you missed when he wouldn’t humiliate you by making you say it, but another part understood the significance. He wasn’t threatening or coercing you like last time, he was truly wanting your consent. 

“Yes.” You whispered. 

“I said nicely.”

“Please.” You whined and he continued waiting. “Please fuck me.” You pouted, just wanting him inside you already. He stood up and held his hand out for you to take, helping you out of the chair then maneuvering you in front of his desk. 

“Up.” He said softly. You lifted yourself onto the desk and waited eagerly as he worked on freeing his length. He stepped between your open legs and held one over his hip while lining his cock up with your entrance. When he slowly pushed in, you both took in sharp breaths. He didn’t stop until he was completely buried inside, letting you have a moment to adjust. 

“Ready?” His voice was strained with arousal. 

“Please.” He slowly pulled out, then pushed back in at the same speed, making you whine impatiently. He ignored you and continued slowly rocking his hips into yours. 

Wrapping one hand around the small of your back and the other in your hair, he pushed you forward onto his cock and he pulled your head back, making you gasp. You wrapped your arms over his shoulders as he leaned into your neck, sucking the delicate skin in his mouth until he was satisfied with the mark, then moving to a new place. You held him tightly, locking your legs around his body and trying to move your hips to get more, but he wouldn’t allow it. He just maintained the same, slow rhythm. 

“Please.” You whined, making him pull back to look at you. You tried not to shrink under his gaze, but he seemed to enjoy watching you break. He sped up a little, the first thrust knocking the breath out of you from the intensity, and you clung to his body, fingers digging into his clothed back. His gaze moved from your eyes to your lips, then stayed there for a long time as he got lost in thought. 

“Please?” You whispered, eyes fluttering down to his own lips. You waited for so long that you thought you might’ve gotten yourself in trouble again, but he just cursed under his breath and moved forward, holding your head still by your hair as he kissed you. You let out a startled moan, not expecting him to actually do it. 

His lips were soft and they still faintly tasted of you. Relaxing his hand in your hair, he used it to instead hold the back of your neck, keeping your lips pressed to his- not that you would’ve tried to pull away. He sped up his thrusts even more and you moaned into the kiss, snaking one hand up to his head to pull his hair. To retaliate, he bit your bottom lip and you hissed at the sudden pain, but you couldn’t taste any blood at least. 

His hand moved from your neck to between your bodies, rubbing fast circles over your clit, making you let out a muffled whine. As your walls spasmed around his length, he let out an almost animalistic groan, pulling back to look at you. 

“Can I please come?” You whimpered. 

“Not yet.” You let out a low, needy whine at his answer. “Wait for me, you can do that right?” He asked softly, making your stomach flutter. 

“I- I think so. Are you close?” You said through a breath, quickly nearing your orgasm. 

“So close, just a little longer.” He was panting almost as heavily as you were, but even though you still hadn’t caught your breath yet, you pulled him into another kiss. You tried to stave off your orgasm, but as he got close, his thrusts became wilder— harder— and you could feel the knot of arousal in your stomach so close to snapping. 

“Come.” He muttered against your lips. “Come now,” You didn’t have to be told a third time before your orgasm was crashing over you, making you tremble in his grasp as he eagerly swallowed down your moans. His hips stuttered before he finally stilled with a low groan, never stopping his fingers on your clit. “Good girl. Good fucking girl.” He said through a moan, just barely pulling away from the kiss enough to get the words out. You clenched down on him from his words, making him hiss as his hips flinched forward. 

When you both came down from your orgasms, he pulled back, nose brushing yours as you both panted, still high from the pleasure. Eventually, he reluctantly pulled out, then slipped your underwear and pants on before helping you stand on shaky legs to pull them up the rest of the way. He did the same with your shirt, helping it over your head and arms before stepping back. 

“You can return to your room once your endorphin levels have normalized. Until then, you may stay in my office.” His use of the word ‘room’ instead of ‘cell’ was not lost on you, nor was the meaning behind his statement. This was the closest he’s ever gotten to giving you any kind of aftercare rather than making you be alone right after. 

“Are you sure?” You asked, not wanting to impose on his work space. 

“It is not in your best interest to be alone right now.” The way he worded it was almost menacing, but you knew what he meant. 

“Thank you.” You gave him a smile and in return, you received a curt nod. So you walked over and sat on the sofa. It was more comfortable than you imagined it’d be and part of you wondered why he hasn’t used this piece of furniture during your… treatment? Can I even call it that anymore? You thought, going over the most recent events in your head. It wasn’t a demand, it was an offer. An offer that you accepted. And he didn’t hurt you, he made you feel good, praised you. Did he only do that because he felt bad about his previous behavior? Is that the only reason he’s letting you stay here?

Not wanting to be consumed by your thoughts, you looked around the room for something to do. Eventually your gaze settled on Dr. Crane who was completely absorbed in something else. 

“Do you need help?” You weren't sure what you would help with, but you figured it couldn’t hurt to ask… probably. 

“Do you have a PhD in chemistry?” He asked, not looking up from his work. 

“…No.”

“Then no I don’t need your help.” His tone wasn’t exactly mean, but it was stern and a little patronizing— maybe it could hurt to ask… 

“Oh. Okay, sorry.” You said quietly, looking away from him for something else to do. There was a bookshelf across from you— none of the books looked remotely interesting, but maybe if you read a chemistry book or two, he’d let you help. So you got up and walked over, standing in front of it as you examined all the different titles. 

“What are you doing?” His voice startled you and you turned around to face him, almost feeling guilty. 

“I- I was just wanting to read something to pass the time, but I don’t have to.” 

“Nothing there will be of interest to you.” His voice was almost laced with… curiosity? It’s hard to tell. 

“I know.” You shrugged, awkwardly waiting by the bookshelf for him to snap at you and tell you not to touch his stuff. Instead, he gave you a teasing smile. 

“If you’re so eager for an activity, I can give you a pencil and some paper. Maybe a puzzle?” He was making fun of you, that much was obvious, but it was light hearted- something you’re not very used to yet. 

“A pencil and paper sounds much better actually.” That wasn’t a lie. You’d rather doodle than read about chemistry or psychiatry. He examined you, an amused expression on his face, then opened one of his desk drawers. You walked over to him when he pulled out a notepad and a pencil, holding it out for you. 

This was much better. The drawing pushed the overwhelming thoughts to the back of your head, muffling them a little. When you ran out of room on the page, you turned it around and started again. This time, he was the one to interrupt the silence. 

“Are you enjoying yourself?” 

“Yes, thank you.” You said, not looking up from the paper. 

“How are you feeling otherwise?” You knew that by otherwise, he meant in terms of you leaving and the thought make your smile fall into a frown. 

“Um… better I guess.” You said quietly. 

“Look at me.” His tone was gentle and you couldn’t help but obey. “Are you lying to me?” He didn’t seem mad, if anything he seemed almost amused that you continued trying to deceive him.

“No. I am feeling better, I just- I don’t like it there.” You muttered, averting your gaze. 

“Why not?” He didn’t seem upset or annoyed yet, so you continued being honest. 

“I’m bored. There’s nothing to do and the only time I leave there is to eat, shower, and come here.” 

“I see.” You dared a glance at him, finding his eyes away from you as he thought. “Would you be more comfortable if I provided some drawing tools, maybe even a book or two that will interest you?” You stared at him in shock, barely comprehending the question. 

“Is- is that allowed?” He raised his brows and the more you thought about the question, the more you realized it was dumb. Not much that goes on in here is probably within the rules, so a sketch pad shouldn’t be a problem. “Right. That would be nice, yes.” You were scared that if you seemed too eager or greedy, he’d change his mind. 

“Good. You can take that for now,” He motioned to the notepad and pencil in your lap, “and tomorrow I will return with a few more items.” 

“Thank you.” You wanted to ask why he was suddenly caring about if you were comfortable or not, but you didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize his kindness so you stayed silent. He glanced at the clock before looking back at you. 

“I have to leave in half an hour, you may remain here until then if you’d prefer.” You nodded and went back to your drawing, but all you could think about was his strange behavior. You found yourself struggling to understand why he would do this— why he would ask for your consent, let you stay in his office, give you a notebook to draw in, promise to give you even more supplies later— it was… weird. And you feared his kindness was due to something other than pure intentions. 

Part 6

[bp-zb1fics]

My heart keeps on

pairing: na kamden x secret s/o reader

pronouns: none used

genre: canonverse  (finale), angst ish, fluff

tw/tags: long distance relationship, very emo in general, a lot of tears LIKE A LOT, you surprise kamden twice, citing ep 12 as my ref for all this, kinda secret relationship, realities of dating a trainee/idol, reunions so more emo, cuddles, cheek kissing, using a pic as a page break, yes the title is fr kam’s rap in switch ty for noticing 💜

wc: 2178

summary: kamden hasn’t seen you in over a year. you surprise him.

a/n this was supposed to be a gift fic for 101 followers but y'all are 200 now 😭😱 omg so thanks so much for supporting my little blog!!! I know this took a little longer than expected so thanks so much for patiently waiting! 💜Special thanks to the anon who sent me an ask about missing kamden and especially to @seok02 for giving me the motivation to finish this fic and kinda just helping me with the overall process 💜💜💜

check my pinned for more fics!

“Star Creator, we always thank you and love you!”

They wrap up the pajama party livestream, thanking the staff and staying to chat as the cameras are switched off. (Or so they think, lol)

“The vibe was pretty good,” Kamden tells Matthew. The other boy agreeing instantly.

“I think we were able to show new sides of ourselves.”

Suddenly the staff play a recording, surprising them all. It’s video messages from Star creators all over the world for them to watch. Kamden grabs a fluffy pillow as he watches everyone slowly get emotional. Seungeon cries. Zhang Hao cries. Yujin cries. Almost everyone is crying. 

Kamden gets a message from a fan in Norway, which is pretty cool. Then, something he never expected happens. He recognises your voice before he even realises it’s you.

“Kamden, annyeong~”

The pillow falls off his lap.

It’s you. It’s really you. You who he hasn’t been able to video call in a few days because of practice and your schedule and the time difference. He almost calls out your name but it sits tight in his throat, unable to reach you. 

You’re on screen, wearing one of the shirts you’ve stolen from him, holding onto the plushie he bought for you at that silly little shop after you insisted it looked like him. God, he hasn’t seen you in over a year.

“Dude, you okay?” Jay asks him softly.

He must look like an idiot, eyes blown wide, mouth slightly open, hanging onto every word that comes out of your mouth.

“I’ve been watching Boy’s Planet since the teasers were released. And you’ve always been my favourite.”

Kamden knows. You’ve been spamming your chat with him with all these little clips from the PR videos to the behind the scenes footage. Screenshots of you voting for him on the Mnet+ app, comments you’ve left on his fancam videos, even the funny memes you found of him on Twitter all greet him when he opens his phone after practice.

Hope my favourite trainee is doing well and staying healthy! Take care of yourself and know I’m always rooting for you! I love and miss you so much! Hoping for your debut!

Your messages are his favourite. And speaking of:

“I’ve made a little compilation of photos right here. I hope you like how I decorated them, I really tried my best~”

All the trainees ooh and ahh over the handmade album you bring up to the screen compiled with photos of him from the program and cute little notes and stickers. Kamden can’t move, can’t talk. 

Because that’s your album, the one you had insisted on starting when he and you began dating. He knows that if you flipped to the other pages, it would be full of photos of both of you, dates, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, awards that either of you might have won, events that were important to you or him or both of you, everything carefully labelled. It was one of your favourite things to print out all the photos and he’d help you decorate them.

He can’t believe you kept that up after he left for Korea.

“You’ve stood out to me in every performance. You’re so talented and so many people are cheering you on so please remember to have confidence in yourself.” Your voice wavers a little towards the end of the sentence and as slight as it is, he catches that. He knows you.

Kamden only registers the wetness on his cheeks when the tears are already going, fast and furious. He reaches up, trying to dab them away gently with his sleeve. On screen, you blink rapidly and he knows you’re trying your best not to cry either. Even thousands of miles away, on a video you probably recorded weeks ago, you and him are still in sync. Maybe the rest of the trainees don’t see it but he does. Of course he does.

“I hope you take care of yourself always. Make sure to eat enough and get enough rest. I’ll be voting for you everyday so just do your best in practice and performing and us Star Creators will take care of the rest. We’ll support you so you can achieve your dream of debuting~”

To everyone else, you were just a particularly supportive fan. But to Kamden, you were his person, the one he was devoted to and he can’t help it, sobbing a little into his sleeve. Several pats on the back as the other trainees around him try to comfort him. He can’t help but cry even more. Why were you so far away? Why couldn’t you be here where he could hug you and kiss you and just be with you?

“Na Kamden hwaiting! Saranghae~”

That’s it. He turns and buries his face fully into his hands as if doing that would soak up all the tears that won’t stop coming. Matthew and Jay have scooted over, voices overlapping as they rub his shoulders and back and ask what’s wrong. Even Zhang Hao’s hovering a little on the side, equally concerned.

Maybe he’ll say something later, when there are no mics and no cameras. He’s been training for years and you’ve both agreed that in a career like the one he aspires to get into, keeping it quiet would be the best. Idols don’t date. Idols don’t have a significant other in a whole other country that they call when they can find free time. Even when it comes to casual conversation where there isn’t a camera directly trained on them, Kamden just doesn’t say anything.

They do ask him later. And when he says you’re a close friend he hasn’t seen in awhile, their faces light up in recognition. He leaves it at that.

You walk into the arena with a little trepidation. 

It’s all been a blur. Packing your things, flying to Korea, meeting up with Kamden’s mom and brother who have been kind enough to get you a ticket pass for the family section. Of course, he has no idea you’re even here.

You’re quite a bit more nervous about surprising him than you thought. While you’d give anything to see him again, it was a little risky in such a public venue with so many people watching and cameras everywhere filming almost any angle. Maybe you can be discreet enough if you do break down but Kamden’s on stage, the spotlights bright and on him. Fans are probably filming him on their own devices.

At this point, you’ll just have to trust your boyfriend to keep his reactions to a believable level. You don’t stand too close to his family, trying to keep your distance but also staying near enough that you’d be in the same general direction if Kamden glanced your way.

You end up on the side, along with a few other people who seem to be dressed as discreetly as you, masks on too. The looks you exchange seem to come to a general understanding of why you’re all here and who you’re here for.

Kamden doesn’t notice you when the Top 18 first file in. You don’t expect him to but you see him though. There’s a growing knot in your stomach, emotions welling up from actually seeing him not through a screen but so close that you could walk on stage and touch him. You don’t do that, of course. But still, he’s so near that it almost hurts not being able to throw yourself into his arms for a hug.

You’ve wanted this so much, especially after more than a year of not seeing him. But right now, you feel frozen. You only watch as they start getting into positions for the signal song. Fans are cheering, even the family members and friends of the trainees are calling out words of support. Still, your voice sticks to your throat, as much as you want to shout out, something keeps you from doing it.

Good thing Kamden’s brother does it for you. It probably surprises you and his mom more than it should but who can blame you when he almost never does that? Kamden’s surprised too, maybe it’s a twin thing but he immediately stands up straighter looking for where his brother’s voice is coming from.

And then he sees you.

His eyes meet yours and they widen considerably. His mouth even drops open a little. You’re smiling so much and you’re sure it shows from how your eyes crinkle, just a little glossy. But you’re not going to cry just yet. Instead, you wave at him. He can’t do much more than give a little wave back before they seem to be ready to start filming. 

Suddenly, your heart feels just a little lighter. You step back and watch him dance the signal song. You’ve seen him do it a thousand times, every time you stream his video. It feels so surreal, being able to see it like this, right in front of you. When the song ends, you see his eyes flick back in your direction, searching for your face. When he finds it, his expression brightens.

It’s amazing, watching someone you love do what they love. Sure, you’ve seen Kamden dance, you’ve gotten him to sing and even rap for you a little before. But it’s different with the stage and the lights and the crowd and he looks so comfortable there. You laugh when you see the Jelly Pop teaser, maybe you’ll get him to wear that dress again, just so you can get photos. The final song is almost bittersweet and you try your best but a few tears do slip out.

He’s messaged you about barely making it to the finale, you’ve monitored the program, watched his rank. You both know his chances are slim. But they’re possible. Still, he’s told you that he’s prepared for the equal possibility of not debuting. His company should have plans, he assured you. You watch him walk over to every one of his fellow trainees who’ve made it to debut, offering hugs and congratulating them. And as the number of spots dwindle, you keep your hopes up but you begin to accept it as well.

By the time they’ve called third, you watch as he walks over to Matthew, one of the trainees he’s closest with from what he’s told you. Maybe he lingers a little longer. Maybe you catch his eyes as he looks over. Hwaiting! You mouth, shaking your fists a little in encouragement. The emotions are swirling inside you. When the camera pans over to him, he’s teary eyed, covering his face the way he always does when he gets like that. You can’t help it. The emotions are starting to spill over and you breathe between the occasional tears.

After they announce the ninth place, everything suddenly starts moving so fast and so slow. They wrap up filming. The audience begins to file out. The cameras switch off one by one. You go backstage.

When he walks in, mic gone, still in that uniform that you keep teasing about, you don’t hold back. His arms wrap around you and you fall into him, holding him so tightly you wish you didn’t need to let go. And then both of you start crying.

“I missed you so much, Kam.” You’re holding onto the fabric of his jacket, gripping at it so desperately you’re almost afraid it might rip.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” He manages, his head somehow buried on your shoulder, tears soaking the cloth of your shirt.

“Surprise?” It comes out weak, a little shaky as you both laugh brokenly through your sobs.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” He holds you even tighter, like he’s afraid you might fade into thin air.

“I’ll be here for a while.” You tell him. “I wish I could’ve come sooner but-”

“It’s okay seriously, you’re here now.” If he squeezes you anymore, you feel like your heart might burst. “I’m so happy to see you.”

He goes back with you. There’s few brief introductions to Jay and Matthew and a few other trainees he’s grown close with, nudges and knowing looks and raised eyebrows. But it’s nothing to stress about, you manage to make it back under the radar.

You feel him watching you as you grab a few more things from your suitcase after both of you have showered and you’re wearing another one of his old shirts. Before you know it, your legs are tangled together, your head resting on his shoulder, your hands intertwined. 

“I don’t want to sleep,” he says quietly. “I don’t want to wake up and find out this is a dream and you aren’t here.”

“You aren’t dreaming, Kam.” You reassure him, lifting your head to kiss his cheek. Even in the privacy of this room, he blushes.

“Even if I didn’t make it, at least I have you.”

“You do, Kam. You always do.” And you know he will make it, one day.

[therethatstar]

OKAY STAR so I finally remembered what it was that I wanted to tell you so... pretty delusional and I'm just playing with words here but-

We heard Pond say that he loves QToey's story a lot because it's a portrayal of "phi-nong" relationship that he thinks is very "realistic" (?) Idk please correct me if I'm wrong. ANYWAY.

guess who else has a phi-nong relationship?

lolololololol alan what’s funny is that , phuwin doesn’t even call pond p anymore. i think in their futs era, he did on camera or like in their big little world episodes but in private, phuwin definitely doesn’t call pond p because they said that’s something they have established from the get go. so phuwin pretty much use informal speech with pond and vice versa. i do find it interesting that pond is very good at switching it back to formal whenever the camera is on while phuwin kinda of just let whatever rolls. like in one of their latest lives, phuwin uses informal terms with pond while pond kept the formal speech the whole time. now that i think about it, it’s very rare that we hear pond speaks informally to phuwin, and he only pretty much does it when he THINK he’s not gonna camera or he forgets he’s on camera.

this answer is taking a detour lol and not what you asked me but you bringing up the phi nong dynamic and i just thought of this because it’s fun when you understand the language, you’re able to catch on these little details.

on that note, is pond perhaps saying that he would like phuwin to call him p ????? who knows. because i do love it when phuwin refers to pond as p and i think pond does too lol i also love that after this live, so many people made clips of phuwin being cute to pond and were like @ pond , you mean you like someone cute like phuwin ????

[rinatic]

hii can i request johnny as a boyfriend?

A/n: first request, hope you like it :)

Johnny as a boyfriend

Johnny was buying a gift for his friend when he saw you

You two were in the store at the same time picking stuff from the same aisle

He saw that your eyes settled on a plushie that you wanted to get but before you can decide, he grabbed it

Laughing in the inside like the little shit he is, you didn't mind it

But it doesn't stop there

"Do you know what to buy for a friend?"

He wanted to start any conversation even though he already picked the plushie

You started giving him ideas by pointing at different things but he's not paying attention

He's staring at you, without hiding the fact that he is doing so

Is highkey flirting

Because he is talkative, you two stand there in the store for good thirty minutes talking even though you're strangers

Managed to get your phone at the end of the conversation

As you two became friends, johnny would always call you to hang out, and you couldn't refuse

Who wouldn't hang out with him?

He would quickly grow a liking for you and starts to see you as a potential lover

Even if he doesn't necessarily 'love' you

But he slowly falls in love, and you become the most important person in his life

So he won't confess immediately, he'll drop hints, make you flustered on purpose and flirt with you more

One day, he decided that he needs to actually confess because you're dumb lol and he's afraid someone is going to steal you

When you guys start dating, he actually stops being too playful because you two are not friends anymore

He pretends to be mature, but as soon as you enter the room, he collapses internally

Bro is whipped

Is so fucking cocky it's annoying lol

Like he's so extra when he introduces himself to your friends "I'm y/n's sexiest, prettiest, boyfriend, simply the best person in her life"

Is so competitive

Like he literally puts himself in weird situations because he thinks everyone is competing for your love

Talks shit about your male friends

LOVES LOVES LOVES making you flustered

How your cheeks turn a light shade of pink and you hide your face with your hand? He lovessss it

He loves seeing you blush easily at his words, it boosts his ego sm

When you move to his house, you find the plushie you wanted there on his nightstand

"I kept it with me because it reminded me of you, but now you can take it." "Oh, what about your friend?" "It was for mork but fuck him jkkjkjkggt"

Head kisses are a thing mainly because of the height difference

Since i mentioned height, be prepared to be teased for it

Like he doesn't acknowledge the fact that he's so big and tall, he thinks you're so small and teases you for it

Can't reach him to kiss his lips? Your problem, when you two hang out you look like a father and a daughter? Your problem too

Secretly melts because of it

You think he's the most annoying when he's being cocky? Meet johnny i-want-your-full-attention suh

Bro turns into a five year old

"Y/n?? You're not even listening.", "i won't say it again, you should've paid attention.", "I'm literally shirtless in front of you yet you still chose to pay attention to your damn phone."

Is so whiney

Follows you around the house like a puppy

This happens mostly when he wants to show you something

Switches between this 🙄 and 😒

Has a saviour complex ????

Like when you get hurt slightly he makes a big deal out of it

"Omg you fell on the couch? Is your back okay?"

Gossip gossip gossip

Once he starts talking about his day

He. Will. Never. Shut. Up

The only solution to make him stop gossiping and talking shit: a kiss

Speaking of kissing, i don't see him as a rough kisser

He's actually gentle and his kisses are sweet

Unless you made him jealous or something he might devour you-

Sorry

Anyways

He's the type to take up all the space on the couch so you have nowhere to sit except on his lap

A littleshit

Judges people with you

"Oh my, look at their outfit, so fucking ugly i could never."

You always tell him to lower his voice but he's loud and probably the person heard

When you stare at him accidentally

"What? Am i so hot you can't stop looking at me?", "y/n is obsessed with meeee."

Neck kisses and bed conversations

Breakfast in bed is a thing

Jokes a lot just to hear you laugh because he loves it :)

Picks you up trom school/work and says it's his duty to do so

"Hello? Your personal driver arrived, where are you?"

So cuteeee

Also, this mf is so unpredictable ???

Sometimes he doesn't like pda and claims it's cringe then other time he literally holds onto you as if you'll run away from him

And people in the street are judging you

Since you're dating johnny, throw away your wardrobe for two reasons

One, because he thinks your style is ugly lol and he's going to buy you outfits that are better in his opinion

Two, he wants you to wear his clothes

Seeing you walk around in his hoodie or a jacket he just lent you

It makes his heart melt

Will often tell you to pick up anything you like from his closet

Don't take him to events

Is highkey hilarious

He won't embarrass you, but your friends will gradually like him more lol

The pranks

You'll never recover from his pranks, you either end up laughing or completely traumatized no in between

At night, you spend your time cuddling

He likes to tangle your legs and wrap his arm tightly

The type to scoff and sigh when you move away while you two are cuddling

But he brings you back to him with his strong arm

He traps you in his shirtless chest

So it's hard to breath because his gigantic boobs are not allowing you to

But you don't mind it

Is a big spoon but enjoys being the small one too

Play with his hair!!! He loves it

"I washed my hair extra well today, touch it! It's so fluffy!"

You know he washed it well so you can play with it and compliment him

No personal space

"Are you seriously going to the bathroom? After i threw away all my work, friends and family behind you chose the bathroom instead of the love of your life 😟???"

Head on chest cuddles...

"You're taking up the whole bed." "Sleep on me then."

Is flexing his body strength all. The. Time

Anyways

Is so goofy when he's sleep deprived so make sure he sleeps lol

Laughs like a maniac at night to scare you

But is so cute so keep him hehe

Da best boyfriend idc 🤷‍♀️

[melishade]

Attack on Prime Alternate Scenes Part 6

Part 5

Okay so I am currently working on 'A end of an era' right now and...this chapter might be a lot longer than I anticipated. Lol.

In regards to Guren No Yumiya, what I'm hopefully planning to do is this: I spend this week and next week editing the chapter, and hopefully, I can get it out around Fourth of July weekend since I'll definitely have more free time then. Endgame will happen, many questions will be answered, and you can stop leaving messages in my inbox begging me to give you spoilers when I don't. fucking. operate. like. that.

Now lets talk about the Alternate Scenes to the Paths II!

So obviously, Eren and Zeke are in a lot of trouble right now with Primus obviously, and one of the constants that I find hilarious is Primus choking Eren out and Zeke trying to plead his case immediately after.

First rendition of Eren getting choked out:

Eren couldn’t breathe as Primus kept him locked in the invisible chokehold. The god then used his powers to drag Zeke through the sand and force the titan shifter to look him in the eye.

“P-please,” Eren stuttered, “I-I can’t breathe. M-mercy.”

“Did you show those children mercy?” Primus demanded coldly, “Did you show that woman mercy? Did you show your father mercy, as you manipulated him into killing that family?”

“T-the i-island,” Eren tried to reason, “I-it w-ould’ve-!”

Eren cried out in pain as Primus tightened his grip on him.

“Stop! I have to free Eldia!” Zeke pleaded.

“And by free you mean exterminate?” Primus hissed, “You want to prevent your people from creating new life. A little detail you decided to leave out of your answer a few years earlier!”

“The Eldian curse has gone on for too long!” Zeke declared.

“So you kill the Eldian people?!” Primus shouted, “Innocent Eldians who had nothing to do with what their ancestors did?!”

Eren getting choked out scene 2:

Eren wanted to plead and beg for his life, but Primus’ hold on him wouldn’t cease. He could feel the chain tighten around his neck, constricting his airway. It was long, agonizing, torture. He wanted to speak, but all that came out were choked gargles and wheezes.

“M-…mer!….cy,” Eren forced out, “Pl…ease….,”

That only angered Primus, the energy around him vibrating violently. “Mercy? You want mercy? Mercy would be too kind to you.”

“Y-your majesty, please let him go!” Zeke bowed, trying to gain favor with the god.

Primus’ anger turned to one of irritation. “Majesty. Now you know who I am, it’s Majesty. I know your truth, Zeke Jaeger. I’ve seen your mannerisms first hand. Do not waste my time with what I already know.”

“I-!” Primus placed a finger over his lips, immediately silencing the Titan shifter.

“It would be wise to watch what you say next,” another voice spoke before switching to another male voice, “Primus is not the only one listening.”

That threw the both of them for a loop. Primus wasn’t the only one watching? 

The changes I made to Primus speaking to Eren as he's begging for his life were tricky, as I wanted to write a statement that would ultimately attack Eren's character. Previous scenes had been altered prior to these moments so the lines had to be changed. For example, Eren was originally supposed to influence Grisha into killing the royal family, but Primus does that by accident when he gets mad at Eren. Meanwhile the 'Mercy is to kind for you’ just feels weak.

Secondly, in the second scene where Zeke is begging for Primus to show mercy to Eren, I wanted to allude to the Primes listening in in order to make their judgement. But the line that I did in the second scene just felt like a throw away line. So I thought it would be better to show it visually via Primus' powered up appearance.

The next thing that I wanted to get into was Primus talking about the power of the titans to both Eren and Zeke, and of Ymir's origins. Primus does manage to see Ymir's memories prior to exiting the tree, but he doesn't feel her emotions, and we'll get to Primus and Ymir a little later, but I definitely had to reconstruct and revise the explanation because it felt rushed.

First rendition:

“You said you didn’t know what was going on!” Zeke shouted.

“I’ve been traveling through 2,000 years worth of history!” Primus declared as he dropped Eren and waved his hand.

Eren and Zeke watched a timeline of memories displayed before them.

“Nine titan powers, 1,385 titan shifters, 2,000 years worth of memories. I’ve seen it all!” Primus shouted, “I’ve seen the destruction the power of the titans have caused regardless of who wields it! Marley or Eldia, both use it for their own selfish and destructive benefit! Yet it is the Eldians that suffer for these mistakes?! A shortened lifespan?! Trauma?! Hatred?! Discrimination?! Death?! All of this started by sheer accident! Because of a little sparkling that was treated horribly by everyone around her!”

Primus pointed to the child sleeping in the sand. “She was unable to speak for years. She was physically abused. She found the power of the titans by accident. She was kidnapped because of this. She was raped. That term doesn’t get thrown around on Cybertron very often! I hope you’re aware of that! Her body was eaten by her own children! Yet all she wanted was love! But everyone saw her as a tool! A weapon! A slave! I know, Zeke Jaeger, that you knew this fact! You knew her history, and you were still willing to force her to do your bidding!”

Not only was this really rushed, but Primus was just too angry in this moment. And while I do make Primus get angry later in chapter 91, I wanted to have Primus have some form of control before slowly getting to a point of anger, specifically with Eren. The second rendition is one that reflects more of the final draft.

Second rendition:

“The Power of the Titans was one contacted by accident,” Primus began, an old voice dripping with ancient wisdom. The sands suddenly shifted beneath the two Titan shifters and began to take form. When the sand finished forming shape, it began to gain details and features. It was Ymir falling and drowning. A centipede like creature was beneath her and attached to her spine. Eren and Zeke covered their eyes as smoke and light consumed her. She transformed into a monstrous titan, towering over the walls, larger than the paths. Her face was nothing more than a skull, and her rib cage protruded out of her body.

“She was taken back to the king, and forced to use her power to kill and destroy others,” Primus continued in that ancient voice as Ymir’s Titan form roared, “She endured suffering, pain, rape. Tragedy after tragedy befell her, but all she wanted was love. She was so desperate to feel any ounce of that, that she died protecting the one who only saw her as a slave.”

Ymir’s Titan form turned to dust, and a new image began to form. Zeke nearly threw up and Eren stared in horror. Three little girls were eating Ymir’s body, their father encouraging them with desperation while the audience stared in horror and disgust.

“Desperate and fearful, the King told his daughters to devour their own mother in order to keep this monstrous power,” Primus continued, “He wanted so badly to maintain his power that he sacrificed his own daughters to get it. And as such, the tragedy continued.”

The sands shifted once more and the Titan shifters saw chaos, war, devastation. The Titans devoured innocent humans while Titan shifters destroyed countries, homes, and lives.

“The cause of that power and desperation has led to this: this carnage, this destruction. For thousands of years, she was trapped here, to make more Titans and Titan shifters. She was alone, watching the cruelty and devastation that humanity had brought amongst themselves.”

Eren and Zeke saw an image of a child, holding his mother in a field of dead, disfigured bodies. The child wept and screamed, crying out hopeless as a Titan lumbered towards him. The child didn’t pay attention, begging for his mother to wake up. The memory disappeared before the Titan devoured the child. They looked over to see Primus closing his eyes with a solemn expression on his face.

“That is the power of the Titans,” Primus declared.

I felt this to be more natural for a few things. One, it's not rushing the explanation of the power of the titans. Obviously, it's not as detailed as the actual episode it stems from, but I wasn't going to recap that whole episode when the reader can watch it. This is also another attempt of the 'Show, don't tell' when it comes to the presence of the Primes. I added the color coding system to make things easier but if you do know your transformers lore, the one that is speaking in an ancient voice is Alpha Trion (Aka George Takei. I should really do a headcanon list of who would voice which Prime).

However the next part of the first draft didn’t have the same flow as the second and final draft. I didn’t have Zeke and Eren confronted and judged individually. I had them both kind of talked down on at the same time:

Eren was shocked by this proclamation and turned to Zeke for confirmation. He wanted to deck him in the face when he saw the guilt on his brother’s face.

“Zeke, how could you?!” Eren shouted.

“You don’t get a say in this!” Primus bellowed at Eren as the memories shifted into ones related to Optimus. Zeke could only blink in confusion as he saw Reiner and Annie’s memories of the titan. One of which Optimus’ tended to Reiner’s wounds and another where he tried to persuade Annie to the island’s side.

“My disciple has done nothing but protect you,” Primus declared, “He’s done nothing but sacrifice his time to protect and train you. He loves you like a son. And what do you do: lie to him, go against his wishes, kill blindly, keep secrets from him, all to cause this:”

Zeke watched in horror as he saw the memories shift into that of the rumbling. Each and every one had the power of the rumbling activated in them.

“Your vengeance,” Primus continued, “Your lust for freedom and power leads to this. And guess what happens to your friends in every iteration, your family, my disciple,”

Eren watched in horror as he watched his friends die in every memory. Armin and Mikasa were resigned to defeat as the Colossal Titans crushed them underfoot. Eren wanted to puke as he saw his future self stab Optimus, killing him over and over and over-!

“Stop!” Eren shouted as he clutched his head, “Please, just stop.”

“I thought this was what you wanted,” Primus challenged, “The road to freedom is paved with blood. But it doesn’t matter! So long as you reach the end!”

“…you…you don’t know…,” Eren whispered.

“Excuse you,” Primus demanded.

“You don’t know what I went through! You don’t know what we went through!” Eren retorted, “We lost so much! I lost my home! My family! I-!”

Eren froze in fear as the god looked at him with such hatred and venom that could kill him where he stood.

“You do not what to test my patience,” Primus declared as he raised his hand to snap his fingers, “’Lost so much?’ My disciple sacrificed so much. I never once wanted to put him back into war, but he had to be called back into it. Of course, your lust for vengeance has lead to your ignorance. You might not even be able to understand. But if you want, I can show you both.”

“Wait-,”

Primus snapped his fingers before Zeke could respond, and the two screamed in pain as an onslaught of memories came flooding in.

To be fair to my younger self, I was writing this back in late 2019? Early 2020? Back when the manga was still being written. So there were still some gaps in knowledge to be had. No Ramzi, no centipede monster, no chapter 139, etc.

Now this is the part in the rough draft where I had intended for Primus to show Eren and Zeke Optimus and Megatron’s memories, but after sitting with the manga ending and overanalyzing everything I didn’t like, I decided to refrain from that. Zeke was a stranger to the Cybertronians, and Eren didn’t deserve to know that truth, not after everything that he was gonna do and had already done. So we’ll skip those memories and jump right back into Primus judging Zeke and Eren.

Zeke ended up throwing up from the dump of information he received while Eren covered his mouth in shock and horror. The abundance of tears coming down his face as he tried to comprehend everything he just witness. Optimus’ sorrow was more unfathomable than he could ever imagine. Everything he lost, everyone he lost, and he still carried on. And he was about to put him through so much more shit.

And Megatron…he finally understood Megatron.

“Now you know,” Primus began as his voice changed back to what they heard initially.

Eren looked up at the god, and saw tears coming down his face.

“Now you know what I had to witness,” Primus proclaimed, “And how I was unable to do a thing about it.”

Eren wanted to fucking sob. To see tears coming down the face of someone he trusted and loved. This must be what Optimus felt on the inside, all the time.

“I-I,” Eren stuttered, “I-I’m s-so-,”

“Sorry,” Primus finished as he wiped the tears, “You don’t mean that. I can see your intentions. You still wish to activate the rumbling and destroy the world. I have seen your struggles. I have seen what you have lost, but this power should not have fallen into the hands of your species in the first place.”

Primus turned his back on the both of them. “The power of the titans ends today.”

“Then let me do my plan!” Zeke pleaded, causing Eren to look at him in shock.

Primus looked back at Zeke with hatred. “Why? I just showed your four million years worth of memories. From both Optimus and Megatron. You’ve seen the decisions they made and how unbelievably flawed your plan is from their experiences. So why do you want to prevent the creation of new life?”

“The Eldians are already doomed. The world thinks horribly of them. Of us,” Zeke proclaimed, “The Eldians will continue to suffer even if you take the power of the titans away. The Eldians are considered a common enemy. Their death will unite the world and-!”

Primus forced Zeke in the air and began choking him once more.

“You ignorant fool!” Primus shouted, “You disgust me!”

“Nothing can be done to change their minds,” Zeke strained.

“Please! I’m begging you!” Eren pleaded as he crawled to the god and grabbed his pant leg, “There must be a memory that you’ve seen! You must’ve seen something in my memories to understand what I’m trying to do!”

“I’ve already seen it,” Primus proclaimed, “I’ve seen nearly 1,000 iterations of the future you wish to create. But your future has little chance of success. And even if it does, it hurts everyone. My disciple, Megatron, Armin, Mikasa, the Survey Corps, the island, innocent Eldians that had nothing to do with the attack on Paradis. I can’t risk it on a whim. I can’t allow you to put Optimus through more suffering.”

“Then the Eldians are as good as dead!” Eren proclaimed, “They’ll die because you’ve killed us and left the island defenseless! They’ll die because of you-!”

Primus choked him and lifted him in the air as well before turning his attention to Zeke. “So what? I let the both of you do what you want? You wish to destroy your own people without considering what they want! That they have a desire for freedom! They have a right to live!”

Primus turned his attention to Eren. “Meanwhile, you wish to destroy the entire world! You say that you wish to protect your friends, your family, the island, but you will inflict the same action done to you on the rest of the world! I cannot allow you to do something Unicron would do, on the off chance the island is spared! You say you don’t want to cause Optimus suffering, yet here you are, putting Optimus through more inner turmoil than ever! Constantly forcing his hand when he has done nothing but protect you!”

Eren and Zeke were forced on the ground. Eren grunted in pain while Zeke was screaming.

“I cannot allow either of you to proceed with your plans!” Primus declared as he raised his hand, “And I will kill you where you stand! I cannot let you continue using this curse.”

“P-please,” Eren grunted, “I’m begging you. Let me do my plan. Please!”

Primus narrowed his eyes. “Why should I let you destroy the world? My own people have destroyed each other, over and over again. I won’t let the same thing happen to another world, not when I have the capability to do something now.”

I didn’t like how I wrote this. I didn’t like Primus’ temper continuously getting the better of him. It felt too much like Unicron. I didn't like that I didn't get to the heart of both Eren and Zeke's problems and flaws. I hated how rushed it felt. I hated that I kept having Primus choke people! Why was I doing that?!

It's ultimately why I had to give Zeke and Eren their separate moments of judgement. And because Zeke was given a rather brief backstory, his judgement and breakdown was easier to do. And I go into more detail about him and Eren here.

But for the 2nd rendition:

Zeke stood up, fearful yet determined. “Then let me do my plan, please.”

Primus opened his eyes and stared at Zeke, causing him to almost lose his nerve, but he pushed forward anyway.

“You know better than anyone the loss and devastation the powers have created,” Zeke reasoned, “The Eldians suffer more than anyone, be they devoured, turned into Titans, or becoming Titans shifters, shortening their life. The world lives in fear of the Titans and the Eldians. If the Eldians didn’t produce any more children, then the world would be free from the Titans within a century. The Eldians wouldn’t have to suffer in a world that hates them. Maybe the Eldians would die off, but it is a small price to pay if the rest of the world is safe.”

Primus stared blankly at Zeke and sighed. “Even if I agreed that killing your people would be the best way to save the world, your plan would change nothing.”

Zeke and Eren watched the sand shift underneath their feet once more before making an image of Zeke in his Titan form roaring.

“If you were to get the path you wished,” Primus began in another ancient voice, once that sounded softer and sad, “The Eldians would no longer produce any children of their own. As a result, the Eldians outside of Marley are executed or used for combat, the world reasoning that the people are going to die out anyway and that ridding them sooner would be the better option. Meanwhile, Marley becomes desperate. Because of this lack of technology compared to the rest of the world. They begin to turn more and more of the Eldians into Titans. Starting with the elderly and the sick, then the adults, and finally, the children. Including your grandparents. Marley uses all the Titans within fifty years, and they haven’t advanced technologically compared to the rest of the world. They plunder and destroy as much as they can, and when the Titans are truly gone, the world’s hatred is directed at Marley.”

Zeke’s Titan disappears and changes into the Marleyans running for their lives as outside forces chased and killed them. Zeke watched in horror as he watched a general give orders to his men.

“Marley is destroyed, and wiped from the Earth as a result of their reckless actions. The nations Marley conquered with the power of the Titans as put under the rule of the rest of the world.” Primus declared, “The world is still not at peace. The carnage and destruction leads to uneasy alliances and fear of more retaliation. People will only continue to look for someone to hate, in order to justify their actions, but in the end, everyone dies.”

Zeke’s legs trembled before his knees hit the sand. Tears of despair fell down his face as he shook his head. “There...there has to be something else.” 

“I have seen different variations,” Primus explained, “But the result has been the same. I am sorry, Zeke Jaeger.”

Zeke didn’t respond to that. How could he? All of his efforts to free the world of Titans, would have amounted to nothing. The Eldians never find true peace, and the world becomes more chaotic due to the power vacuum. Tom’s dreams and his efforts...were all for nothing.

“It’s like some kind of joke,” Zeke whimpered, wrapping his arms around himself and bending over, his tears hitting the sand. He hurt so many people, he killed so many people! What was it all for?!

Eren felt pity for him. Despite all that Zeke did, he remembered that feeling of helplessness and defeat. When he realized he wasn’t special, when he realized his life really had no value, and when he realized all his efforts for a better world led to more of his comrades dying. Primus felt that same pity. He reached out towards Zeke, but Zeke moved away from his touch. Primus lowered his arm in defeat, leaving Zeke and turning to Eren. Eren struggled with his chains, wanting to run away and get to Ymir, but Primus used his power to tighten his chains.

Zeke is trying to calmly plead his case while Primus gives him a rather reluctant explanation. Initially I was going to have Zeke crumble immediately and show no resistance to Primus, since he really didn't do much to fight back against the Rumbling until Armin came in during the main story. But I really thought about it. This was something that Zeke had been working towards for so long and to have someone else tell him that his and Ksaver's dreams were for nothing would really destroy him, which is why I had him show resistance before breaking.

As for Eren, I'm not going to put the 2nd rendition of his talks with Primus because it's almost identical to the final draft with a few tweaks. And since Eren is the main character in the story, his judgement and conversations with Primus are going to take longer, especially when discuss Armin, Mikasa, Optimus, his main motivation being his mother’s death, the Survey Corps, and Eren’s own selfishness.

However I will put the remaining of the first rendition:

“I-it,” Eren yelled as the pain got worse, “It m-must have been hard.”

Primus raised an eyebrow.

“Watching your own creation, battle each other in a civil war,” Eren continued, “Watching your own disciple battle in war all over again, when all he wanted was peace. Watching your own nearly go extinct. It must’ve been so hard.”

Eren forced his head up to look at Primus. “But it must’ve been harder, watching them suffer in the caste system. Optimus got to live in peace, but other like Megatron suffered. They were left to die for years. Their body parts sold. No justice! No peace! It must’ve been so hard to watch!”

“Megatron-!”

“Megatron had nothing!” Eren shouted, “He didn’t even have a name because no one thought he deserved it! He watched people die in the mines and die in the arena and die in the war! Do you think Megatron would do that if he was allowed freedom?! If he had someone to help him?! He believed if he died, he would have the most value! That’s too fucked up!”

“Megatron gained knowledge,” Primus retorted, “He knew from right and wrong. He knew that the path of destruction was wrong!”

“It was all he knew!” Eren declared, “He believed it was the only way for his enemies to listen! And…maybe it is!”

“Excuse you?!” Primus demanded.

“If Megatron didn’t rise up to power, how long would it have been until someone else did?!” Eren demanded, “How long until someone else realized how messed up the caste system was and fight back?! How many more of your people would’ve died?! How many years would it have been?! And the only thing you could do was sit by and do nothing?!”

“…it was not my place,” Primus whispered.

“But you knew you could have done better, which is why your intervening now,” Eren proclaimed, “You don’t want it to happen again!”

“Then why do you want to destroy the world?!” Primus demanded.

“Because talking isn’t going to solve a thing! Not anymore!” Eren answered, “Megatron knew violence was the only way to get others to listen. Action, brutality, finally got them to wake up! That’s the only way for the people on this world to listen!”

“You know there were opportunities to resolve the situation in a peaceful manner,” Primus reminded, “You’ve seen it happen.”

Eren shook his head in the sand. “It’s not enough. I…have to do this! This is the only way for there to be peace!”

“Through violence?” Primus demanded.

“Through hope,” Eren answered, “Through Optimus,”

“If you go down this path, you will die in every scenario,” Primus proclaimed, “You do not see the outcome of your plan.”

Eren felt tears welling up in his eyes. “I know.”

“There is a high chance your plan will not succeed,” Primus declared.

“I know,” Eren whimpered as his tears fell.

“Your friends, your family, everyone you know, may never forgive you,” Primus declared.

Eren quietly sobbed. “I know.”

“Then why?” Primus asked, “Why continue down this path?”

Eren lifted his head, despite the pain coursing through him. “BECAUSE I WAS BORN INTO THIS WORLD! BECAUSE I WANT TO BE FREE! I KNOW MY EXISTENCE MEANS NOTHING IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF EVERYTHING! THAT I’M NOTHING MORE THAN A MERE INSTANCE IN THE UNIVERSE! THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T CARE! MY FRIENDS! MY FAMILY! OPTIMUS! THEY MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME DESPITE THE SHORT LIFE I HAVE! I KNOW THEY’LL NEVER FORGIVE ME, BUT IF THEY GET TO LIVE I DON’T CARE! I’M BEGGING YOU! HAVE FAITH IN ME! LET ME SAVE THE PEOPLE I LOVE! LET ME END THIS TRAGEDY!”

Looking back, I genuinely hated how I wrote this out. But a few things before I get into that. I originally had a plot line where Megatron does find Eren being in Marley but Eren manages to blackmail him into silence. I’ll probably do an alternate scene of that later. But I was originally going to have Eren empathize with Megatron, especially after he sees Megatron’s full life and gets a better understanding of him. However Megatron and Eren’s relationship doesn’t really grow outside of acquaintances at best, and Megatron has been cautious of Eren and his motivation for the most part. So there’s no real change in their dynamics and that’s fine.

However the main reason why I now hate how I wrote this scene out is because I made Eren sound too damn heroic. His ultimate plan is genocide, and him later formulating a plan to make his friends the heroes was a late minute ditch effort to protect them doesn’t change anything. He wanted to see his sight of freedom by destroying the world. He shouldn’t be lauded for it. He should be condemned for it.

I’ll get into Primus’ ultimate decision in a moment, but what I want to get into now, is Primus and Ymir: the most important moment in AOP. The interaction between two deities and the one act of kindness that does destroy the Paths. The minute Ymir’s backstory was introduced, I wanted to create a moment of compassion between the two. And I just realized! I don’t have the original draft for it! I kept editing the same draft until I got the final draft and now I don’t have it anymore. Or most of it! Nooooo…..

So! I will give a few points of what I had originally written.

-I was originally going to have Ymir speak to Primus. I ultimately retconned it because we never hear Ymir speak in the original show. In the final draft, I do have Ymir ask ‘why’ to Primus, but that was pretty much it. She does speak a few words in this draft.

Ymir’s eyes brightened as she sharply turned her head to look at Primus. The life missing reappearing, revealing her eyes to be a brilliant purple. “…you...,”

Tears poured from her eyes once again as her lips trembled. “…you…,”

Primus gave her a warm smile, happy to see the life come back into her eyes. “Do you wish to come with me?”

Ymir gripped his hands deathly tight. “…please…,”

-Primus originally didn’t use Onyx’s mask in order to peer into Ymir’s life from her perspective. I added it into the final draft as another ‘show, don’t tell’ situation regarding the Primes, and I just thought it would be a better way of Primus getting a better understanding of Ymir.

-I originally didn’t have Primus give Ymir his jacket, or even talk about Unicron to her, but I wanted to show Primus’ acts of compassion compared to that of Unicron, who would no doubt see Ymir as a parasite.

-The ‘Because I heard your cry and wanted nothing more than to save you’ line from Primus was one that was developed overtime as well. I wanted to keep that in the final draft to show Primus’ care for Ymir. He didn’t come to AOT to end the power of the titans initially. Or even to stop Eren and Zeke. He didn’t know about them until he got into the Paths. He only came because he heard Ymir’s cry for help. There was no cosmic reason or even destiny behind it. It was just compassion.

-The Paths being warped into a field of flowers wasn’t in the initial rough draft. I was just going to have Primus break down the tree. But then I got inspired by IDW and incorporated those field of flowers in there. For more on that, go here.

So the one issue that I was currently having now, near the end of the chapter, was Eren getting the power, because I did plan for Primus to hand it over to him. But I needed it to make sense in a way. Because Primus, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t have allowed Eren to enact his plan. But, and I was trying to be clear on this in the actual chapter, Eren had done so much damage to the timeline that they were in, that with Primus’ limited powers, he can only do damage control. Part of that damage control was giving Eren a choice in what he wanted to do. And originally I had Zeke call him out on it, but it felt like Primus was just dodging Zeke’s points by bringing up his own failings and it didn’t sit right with me.

“This is the power of the titans,” Primus declared. “It attached itself to the Little One when she was trying to escape from the king and his guards. She did not choose to have this power. It latched itself onto her. It was only by chance that she managed to find it in the first place.

Tears spilled out of Eren’s eyes. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that this god was letting him do this. He fell to his knees and bowed before Primus.

“Thank you,” Eren whispered, “Thank you so much.”

“But heed my warning, Eren Jaeger. It doesn’t matter the motivation. It doesn’t matter the goal. If you go down the path, no one will be by your side,” Primus declared, “Your friends, your family, everyone will turn their back on you. No one will care for the purpose. They’ll just see the actions and destruction that you’ve caused. No matter what side, you will never be seen as a hero. You will only be seen as a monster. Are you really ready to travel down this path?”

Eren stood up and wiped his tears away. “No, but in order survive and live, we must fight.”

Primus sighed as he put his hand on Eren’s head.

“I know,”

Eren gasped as Primus pushed him backwards. He couldn’t feel his arms and looked down to see them disappearing into sand. Eren began seeing a distorted image of the god’s true form before he fell through the sand like water.

“You idiot!” Zeke shouted as he stomped over to Primus, “You have no idea what you’ve unleashed! Eren’s influenced by his father!”

“You and I both know that Eren was never influenced by his father,” Primus responded calmly.

“Then why let him destroy the world?!” Zeke demanded, “This cycle will never end! Eren will kill everyone! And you entrusted everything on him!”

“I don’t trust him for a second,” Primus declared.

Zeke blinked. “What?”

“Eren’s plan has a very low chance of success,” Primus explained, “But your plan will have no chance at success. Marley will fall apart, all the Eldians will be executed, the conquerors will set their sights on another defenseless country. Nothing changes.”

“So destroying the world is the only option?!” Zeke shouted, “How will Eren’s plan succeed?!”

“…because Optimus won’t let it happen,” Primus answered.

“You-,”

“-are nothing more than a hypocrite,” Primus interrupted, “You forced your own to turn into titans as a twisted act a freeing them. Tricking your followers and lying to them. Now, you wish to render them unable to create children.”

“I have-,”

“Why?” Primus demanded as he turned to Zeke, “Because it’s your duty? In freeing your people, your force them to do what you want, like your father did. You force them to die. You force this sparkling to do your bidding, knowing exactly what she went through during her life! You are just like your father.”

Zeke was about to retort, but began thinking over every action that he did. The weight of his actions took over and he fell to his knees and began crying. Primus ignored Zeke and turned his attention to Ymir, who fell asleep in his arms. The god looked up at the stars and sighed.

“Optimus, forgive me,” Primus said.

Again, this feels rushed, doesn’t it? Anyway, there is still the idea of Primus’ own failings in his decision of giving free will to someone with nefarious intention. And without giving away too much, instead of Zeke, someone else is going to call him out on it instead. Because despite the fact that Primus is a benevolent god, he can be an ignorant one at best and a neglectful one at worst.

Okay that is all I have for the alternative scenes for chapter 91. Next time, I will be discussing the stuff in Retaliation and Last Ditch Effort, as there were rough draft ideas that just never made it into the final product. And I have two asks games (one with prompts and the other discussing music in my fanfic) still available to ask. So I wouldn’t mind if you asked those questions. Thank you!

[reading-wanderer]

Number 4 @green-with-envy-phandom-event

Line art by @minnowmarsh

Honestly, I’ve been looking at this one going, ‘okay, but what if angst’ since I saw it lol. Meanness under the cut

She didn’t know how long she’d been there. When the last time she’d seen earth. Heck, she wasn’t even sure when the last time she’d seen another ghost. Well, a ghost— she wasn’t a ghost. She was a hybrid, like Danny like Vlad. It had been luck that a portal had opened up near her— she’d been melting again from overusing her powers but it hadn’t stopped when she switched forms. She’d been desperate.

She was lucky.

Flying into the ghost zone had worked, then, but not for long. It had been luck again to find out that the deeper she went, the easier it was to stay together after being chased down by a huge reptile thing. It had stopped chasing her once she got deep enough. She wasn’t sure why.

At first, she’d thought that the worst part of being down there was how dark it was. Now that she couldn’t leave without her body immediately trying to turn to goo, she was pretty sure the loneliness was the worst. She missed Danny and his friends. She missed her siblings. She missed Vlad.

She missed food too, even though her stomach had stopped rumbling a long time ago. There was nothing down there but the dark. Just her and the pressure of the ectoplasm around her keeping her body intact. That’s why, when she first saw the glow, she thought she was going crazy. It was a blob of ectoplasm, mostly grey in color except for the pale green glow in the center. She wasn’t sure where it came from. There were no other ghosts for miles, right?

When she turned around, she found another. And another when she turned again. We’re these the blob ghosts she’d heard about? The more she looked around her, the more blobs she seemed to find. Some of them even had cute little faces if she squinted.

Then, something else appeared. Or rather, someone. She didn’t recognize him at first— she thought it was Danny, coming to rescue her again like a hero. But his skin and hair were too green for that, his eyes a light pink color she’d only seen in the picture that her dad Vlad had kept in one of the bedrooms she hadn’t been allowed to go into— that she’d gone into anyway while he was distracted by one of her siblings starting to destabilize again. “Mathew?” she wondered. Mattie, like Maddie, according to Vlad, but Mathew had been the crudely drawn name in the corner of the pictures scattered around the room she wasn’t suppose to have seen. As if hearing her thoughts, the other clone grinned and nodded.

She grinned widely. “How’d you get away?” she wondered, “how long have you been down here? How do you look like that when you were a skeleton the last time I saw you?” He shrugged at her and twirled around her. She followed, laughing at his antics as he laughed back. “Are there more of us somewhere,” she asked aloud, her tongue feeling heavy and clumsy on her mouth after who knows how long of not speaking.

“Come with me,” he seemed to say, gesturing her to follow. So she did. And, in the distance, she thought she could see something… bright. Every time she blinked, it seemed just a little bit closer. She could feel herself getting tired. Each blink just a little bit longer. More of those blobs seemed to appear the farther she went. Mattie seemed dimmer, more grey, each time she looked at him even as he goaded her on with a bright smile.

Just a

Little

Bit

…

…

[pacing-er]

The audacity that 20-30 year old non-Jews have when speaking on Judaism is fucking insane. I was sitting in the break room at work and my friend (?idk anymore) and the two vocally anti Israel girls were talking about what the "goal" of Judaism is. My friend is Catholic and knows a lot about a bunch of religions, and she said that the Jews strive to reestablish the nation of Israel. Upon seeing the girls grimace she corrected herself saying "Not like THAT..." which is already kinda fucked up. Then one of the girls went on to say "Don't Jews wait for the Messiah ☝️🤓" and my friend responded "yes, some Orthodox Jews do." These (white, American) girls then have the audacity to make the claim "Oh yeah, Orthodox Jews just want the Messiah they don't want a state. That's why they're the ones on the street protesting." Which like yes I'm sure that's true for some small sects of Orthodox Jews but I know damn well that you didn't mean it that way. You wanted to make the assertion that orthodox (real, good) Jews don't support Israel, that only fake (bad) Jews think that Israel should exist. They went on like that dictating what the true goal of Judaism "should" or "shouldn't" be, all the while sitting near me. Y'know. The only Jewish girl at our workplace who maybe... Just maybe... Has an opinion on the religion that I practice. But this was never about listening to Jews right? What's the fun in that when they can just intrude on intercommunity debates and make up their own meaning based on the few tidbits of information that they managed to pick up from social media?

I recently found out that one of the nice older male coworkers of mine was also Jewish and he's been so supportive of my interest in Judaism. He gave me a beautiful Torah as a gift to encourage my studies. He walked into the room as they were saying "MOST Jews don't see the state of Israel as legitimate" and he was like "Most Jews huh..." Of course now that the only Jew that they know (bc apparently they don't respect me enough to ask) was around they switched up and were like "Oh yeah (name) we shouldn't be the ones educating ourselves on Judaism! You should teach us about it." Which of course translates to "we are going to accept your opinion as a Jewish man only if you agree with us and if you don't we are gonna talk shit about you behind your back" so he just said "Nope! You don't want to know my opinion." Then one of them was like "Oh no I wanna know your opinion 🥺" in a sickly sweet voice and he just didn't respond and shut himself into the room he always hides in during lunch breaks lol I understand why now.

Tldr: If you're not Jewish DON'T make claims that the modern state of Israel is not legitimate to the Jewish religion. You don't get to say that. Also before anyone is like "but Palestine 🥺" this is not about whether or not the actions of Israel's government is okay. This is about non Jews constantly trying to speak over a global minority in discussions that should be kept within the Jewish community. Don't try to use your outsider understanding of the Jewish religion to justify your stance on the war. It is unbelievably ignorant and makes you look like a complete ass. You can and should criticize the Israeli government but I'm fucking begging you to stop overstepping boundaries like this.

[sailforvalinor]

Okay, I know I said I’m not planning on doing this modern Eight Cousins/Rose in Bloom AU, and I’m still not, but I have had a bunch of ideas floating around in my brain. Maybe I’ll write a few snippets or something? Anyway, just to get them out of my brain:

In our modern AU, Rose and Alec won't be related to the Campbells--Alec is such a close friend of the Campbell family (particularly Uncle Mac and Aunt Jane) that the title of "uncle" is honorary. (Gonna have to give them a different last name then...hmmmm...)

They all live on the same street/in the same neighborhood to allow for lots of childhood hijinks.

In replacement of their “circus,” the boys drive around a 20-year-old 15-passenger van that used to belong to their church. It is old, but it’s well kept-up—the Campbells, however affluent they may be, don’t believe in letting things go to waste. Also, the thought of Archie driving six boys around in a dilapidated van like a tired soccer mom amuses me.

Perhaps Phebe is being fostered by the family next door? (She ends up adopted by Uncle Alec eventually, of course.)

The Rose in Bloom era will begin as Rose is starting college

Rose just came back from a gap-year program—she could’ve started the same year as Mac, but Uncle Alec wanted to keep her another year. (Phebe went with her, probably?)

The immediate gut instinct is to make Charlie the popular jock, but it’s actually more textually supported to make him the popular, slightly-unhinged theatre kid who always gets all the main roles. His major is, of course, undecided. (Maybe he’s also a year behind?)

Mac is biology pre-med, but he probably just switched from philosophy or physics or something. (Probably tacks on an English or Writing minor somewhere along the way.)

Unsure about Rose—business or social work?

Archie graduated a year early and went straight into the workforce (doing what though, I’m not sure)

Phebe is studying music, but refuses to let Uncle Alec pay for any of it, and is trying to earn her way through by working multiple jobs at the same time.

Steve would also be starting this year, but honestly I don't know what to do with him. However much he may desire to emulate Charlie, Aunt Jane would be sure to force him to pick a major...perhaps communication?

Since they live so close to the university, they all live at home (Phebe couldn't talk Uncle Alec out of that one), with the exception of Charlie--he managed to convince Aunt Clara to let him live on-campus. As I'm sure you can imagine, this only serves to worsen all the trouble he gets up to.

Speaking of the trouble Charlie gets up to, instead of the Major Incident involving him coming home drunk after New Year's, perhaps it involves him getting caught with alcohol on their (dry) campus.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to have him die in this one. I probably should, because it kind of interrupts the integrity of the story if he doesn't die...but part of me wants him to see Rose and Mac together so he can see what a respectful man looks like, lol. But he will probably still end up dying in a car crash, unfortunately.

Actually, perhaps Rose’s three month “experiment” is that she wants to try living on-campus for a bit, which Uncle Alec is hesitant about, and then she decides to move back home the semester after Charlie’s whole incident. I’m mostly doing this because I want Rose and Kitty Van to be roommates, because that would be outrageously funny

Mac carries a flip-phone, which drives Steve insane, and has threatened to go Luddite on more than one occasion--but never actually would, as he's way too into the modern conveniences of downloadable music for that. Carries a little ipod nano around. He does have a laptop for school, though. Knows a lot about recent technological advances and will regale anyone with his knowledge at the slightest provocation, but will also lecture about how detrimental social media is in the same breath. He doesn't even have a Facebook. ("Even Aunt Plen has a Facebook," Steve moans. "Right, didn't you say that Facebook was for, and I quote, 'old people'?" "Well yeah, but at least it would prove you EXIST." "Have you ever heard of this guy named Descartes?")

I also feel like Mac's the type to own a record player and collect vintage vinyls (although he isn't aware that this is currently a popular thing to do).

All of the boys (with the exception of Charlie, because Aunt Clara let him get out of it) have campus jobs. Mac, of course, works in the library, but I'm not sure about Steve.

I’m not really sure what to do about translating the issue with Charlie taking Rose to parties, as the college parties of today certainly do NOT translate to the sorts of social gatherings in the time period of the original book. The time where she asks Mac to go to a party with her could be an actual campus formal event of some kind, but beyond that, I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s a group of friends that Rose feels uncomfortable being around, but doesn’t want to cut off entirely?

The same goes for Archie and Phebe, as class dynamics in marriages are not as a big of a deal as they were back then, or at least, it won’t translate to the same earth-shattering event that it is in the original book. Unsure what direction to take them, honestly, but their love story is so wonderful, I’d want to do it as much justice as I can. (In theory. As I said, I’m not actively planning on writing this.)

[lotus-mirage]

Trigun Stampede episode 7 liveblog

Man I said this two-parter is really focused on Wolfwood, but this episode has his name as the title

Oh I see the destination is an additional threat to him. Huh. I wonder what the purpose of that is? Like just to mess with him, or to make the journey seem appropriately menaced, or what?

I didn't notice before, but it is incredibly funny that the letters front and center are B and L

I feel like half of Wolfwood's gun is like ammo storage lmao, he goes through that fast

Oh actual emoting from Livio! Not looking particularly cognizant, but it's something.

Oh there's Meryl and Roberto! Would not have figured that's how they managed to tag along, but if it works it works haha

The boing noises as the desert raiders are thrown around are fantastic

Vash is wielding his gun, backhand, like a blunt weapon. Possibly as a gauntlet idk. Still. Makes sense for him, but not something I've ever seen before lol

Mmmmhmm and now the "monsters" and "not human" assertions are being foiled.

Between Livio and Rollo, seems like they kinda get stuck on a single sentiment?

"It would have been better without you around" ...ah. I did not expect that and don't know how to respond to it.

Wow, uh. I mean we knew Vash was incredibly accurate at aiming before, but to redirect someone else's gun to land a clean shot (particularly one that has as much heft as Wolfwood's) is rather uncanny.

that method of getting another Worm actually made me gag ugh.

wait hold up what was happening with Livio's reflection. I don't think I recognize it?

Eef. Thought that was how it'd end, but didn't expect him to shoot and fall over the side. (I suppose it's possible that the 'if there isn't a body, they're probably not dead' rule applies here though)

"I just wanted to spread the good word. That's all." You know I think this does in fact hold true to the, uh. Real world weight? That this sort of phrase carries.

Okay this is the first we've heard of a topic that Wolfwood apparently has disagreements with the Eye of Michael over. ...Actually that was on an assumption that it's a decision on an action, not a religious thing. It's Wolfwood's initial verbal disagreement on religion, isn't it.

Switched to Eng dub for a second 'cause I wasn't sure who said the next couple lines, but yeah I think it's clearer that it's about Wolfwood's denial.

Wait speaking of that's also a Christian term too right. Like Judas denies Jesus or something? I know the term is used in relation to those two in particular but I don't actually know the specifics. It's like "one of you will deny me" or "one of you will betray me" and I don't remember which.

Not sure if that really matters in this case, though, since I don't think Bluesummers quite maps to Jesus lol. Anyways.

Okay yeah "Punisher" is definitely being used in relation to Wolfwood himself. Noted.

Lmao the "Hi!~" being in English really sold it

Ooh, worldbuilding. Spacefaring age, okay.

Wait if they're running around to all the controls, where are the people originally driving the ship?

Yay, character exploration and development from Meryl! (and Roberto to a lesser extent)

Oh wait the kid that fell in the first town is alive?? I guess I saw him moving a bit at the end there, but it was a long fall and I thought maybe it was his mom's movements while carrying him.

:0 Vash's arm fractured! Frankly I didn't know it could do that. That's not good.

Oh lmao it's the disproportionate response "Wolfwood..." that kept being memed on.

Oh NOW the title comes up!

Actually wait I saw something on this a while ago, too. They were talking about he asserts he's "the Punisher," then "Nicholas the Punisher," and then the framing basically hits him with a "no :)" That's so funny. Also kind of tragic. But still funny.

Oh hey this is the first time we've seen Vash in this sort of situation since he was a 'plant technician' in the first episode.

it can move in there!?

oh that looks really painful

it's humanoid already!?

maybe I leaned too far into the "oh it's kind of egg shaped" assumption lol

Oop, yep, I guess Livio's not dead. Or uh. Might be dead but isn't out of the picture?

Alright yeah Vash looks pretty out of it.

...was that him hitting the ground? oof.

End Notes:

Again not really much to say here! We got some character details, some worldbuilding details, lots of character development & solidification of relationships, and now some immediate threads to be followed up on (Vash's arm and the Plant reveal thing). Feeling much more invested than when I started the series and interested in seeing how this conversation goes!

I will say. The plant did not look uh. very intimidating. kind of reminds me of the... neopets fairies? I don't think that's right, but like some similar franchise kind of had similar vibes, shape-wise.

...is this the first time the Plant stuff got fully revealed in the show? I went in knowing and haven't been keeping track. I know it was established that Vash is a) non-human b) fell from a spaceship onto the planet and c) had 'relatives' in pods on said spaceship. Not to mention his twin also having pretty obvious markings. But I'm curious about the reasons for the pacing of these reveals, since we got so much of Wolfwood's backstory just last episode.

[lilsweetruler]

Giacomo x Reader |The Friendship| Pt.1

[Some Background- This Reader is gonna be portrayed as an AFAB, and this entire story takes place after the whole Team Star Arc (Lol TSA) Anyway there might be some spoilers, but whatever. enjoy!]

|The Friendship-SFW|

You fell in love with him at first sight but knew that you couldn't ask him out due to having to fight. Oh, but now we're done fighting, right? No, we have nothing in common, golly will he even like me back as a friend. You know what? I became a straight champion of Paldea, I can at least talk to him.

Despite the stereotype of most teenaged boys being messy with their surroundings, Giacomo kept his base spick and span. The Gate stood tall and was probably recently cleaned, the big bell even looked shinier. 'Okay' the last affirmation you needed before ringing the bell.

"RRR-ING-A-LING! Hey who's at the gate? Wait, Is that Champion Y/n? O-hoh sh*t. Come on in!"

*oh sh*t? why are they worried? crap. am I that daunting?* thinking to yourself for too long at a time can prove to be dangerous, for example the gate's been open for at least a minute and every grunt is staring at you.

"Howdy." you stated with a quiver in your voice. 

There he was, as confident and busy as ever, with laptop in hand Giacomo approached. You can't read his expressions too well but you're confident in knowing that he was quite surprised by your dropping in.

"And What to I owe the pleasure in meeting with the sole person, responsible for all the ass-whooping?" he delightfully chuckled at his version of your introduction. 

*CRAP, All the grunts are here,  I don't wanna look like a damn fool in front of all these people* And you did it again, you zoned-out and went through all the possibilities of embarrassment, and he noticed.

"Suddenly not a talker? OK, how's about we talk in my tent." Giacomo was always the problem solver, thank Arceus. You nodded, and off you both went towards the head tent. 

The dread dwelled into your stomach, it's as if you got called to Director Clavell's office, but something was different. The weather was quite perfect, mid 70's, slight breeze, and some cloud coverage. But Most importantly you were going to spend some time alone with Giacomo, away from all those grunts. 

The walk was nice, but awkwardly silent, then he boomed;

"Alrighty, M'Lady we have *Arrived*" He attempted to say this in the fanciest way possibly whilst holding the flaps to the tent open. You couldn't help but chuckle a bit under your breath, but heard and was glad you're not in a terrible mood, as the sudden arrival did worry him.

Now, this was no ordinary tent it was quite spacious. It was even decorated with 2 sleeping bags, a desk, 2 chairs, a mini fridge, and an extension cord. You both sat down and kind of just stared at each other in silence after a quick hello. You broke the silence, stuttering and still very nervous.

"I know the last time I saw you it wasn't on the best of terms..."

"Put nicely. *heh*"

"*hah* .. Yeah, anyway I was hoping that maybe we could be-"

"OH THANK ARCEUS!" was the statement you were interrupted by

Now confused you gave Giacomo a look to explain himself. Unexpectedly he starts a short burst of laughter. Finally finishing, while still leaving you confused, Giacomo began to calm down and begin speaking.

"I honestly thought you came back for another round of battling, I got so nervous because I heard about the fight between you and Nemona." He made a face that could only be described as honest humility. He resumed;

"I'm assuming, but i figure you came back because you rather be friends, then just know me as the guy you beat up a while back"

"That's exactly what I planned to do. Man, I was so worried about you hating me and junk." you relaxed, finally telling him the truth. 

Now, how the hell were you gonna ask him out. YOU JUST BECAME FRIENDS. A moment of clarity hit you like a brick, you needed to slow tf down. Giacomo switched, now he looks nervous again, but only for a second does he wear that emotion. Back to a relatively normal expression, he proposed something; 

"Y'know if you wanted to hang out you could've asked sooner, but if you wanna go to Medali for some grub I wouldn't be to opposed to it" 

*Giacomo, stop reading my damn mind. But holy sh*t thank you*

"Of Course!" you piped up, a little too eager but its ok.

~*"Great, then its a date!"*~  

You got his number and more info for the date, then made up an excuse how your mom texted you and that you had to go home to help her. Walking away from that tent was chipping away at you with every step that you took.

Instead of actually going home you went and bought some clothes, for this "friend" date, nothing too fancy, yet nothing too casual. This is it, you are ready. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is my first story hope ya'll like it and i look forward to writing more.

[invisiblequeen]

Noe Bodi Gameplay: Day 17 Part 2

NEW NEIGHBOR MOVED INTO OASIS SPRINGS

But not just ANY new neighbor.

A long-lost childhood friend of Noe Bodi's. All The Way From SIXAM.

This is PANDORA MEADE (@gloomiegalaxie-sims) and she has decided to move to Earth, where she hopes to see her old friend Noe again after so many years!

First, she had to take in her surroundings. Mainly the computer.

More importantly, she had to greet her neighbors.

Like our resident hot boy Pax (@theosconfessions).

Rocky start because she forgot to switch to simlish instead of sixam, but once he understood her, they got along alright.

He had things to do tho, so it didn't last long.

No worries, because two other neighbors showed up at the same time: Donna (@elysiantrait) and Martin (@starjira). Wearing blue outfits for reasons I don't quite know, but okay.

They all got to talking, and while Martin was good-natured enough, Donna seemed to have other things on her mind.

(once i figure out why children's teeth are floating above their heads it won't be a problem anymore lol)

Maybe Donna had a bad day with her job. Maybe it was too hot. Either way, she eventually excused herself by stomping off.

Martin and Pandora kept on talking for a while.

At least when he finally left he wasn't mad AF lol.

One SECOND after he left, our SECOND resident hot boy showed up to say hi--Khalil. (@fl0pera)

And she definitely liked him.

But then she had to go pee LMFAO

So she did that, and it was back to enjoying her house.

Later that evening, Luco (@tr-angyo) decided to materialize looking tired as hell. Must have been drained from all the mentoring lol.

You would think two occults would instantly get along, but for some reason Pandora gave him a snooty introduction and it just went downhill from there.

Ah, well, they can't all be friends.

But speaking of friends...guess who ran to come visit when she heard Pandora was in town??

They hugged so long, y'all.

No matter how long it's been, no matter how many miles are between them, no matter what past issues need to be discussed...this is Noe's BEST. FRIEND. And Pandora feels the same about Noe.

What an eventful day!!

[previous] - [next]

[googly-eyed-android]

Sorry for disappearing off of the face of the earth for several months, we've kind of had a lot of stuff happening, and I'm not just talking about the stuff occurring in the wider Jewish world. I'm gonna talk about the stuff specific to us since you can learn about the Jewish stuff in other places

So, our long-term project to get me out of front has technically succeeded, but not in the way we were planning. I am technically not fronting right now, despite also fronting right now. Basically, the brain has pulled some shenanigans (oh, speaking of the brain, in the course of this we learned that the brain is its own entity within the system (well, technically two entities, since the conscious and subconscious brain are separated from each other). It's not sentient, it's not a person, but it is an entity, and it's concerned with the wellbeing and functioning of this brain and body and its inhabitants, and turns out it's been just as desperate for me to be out of front as I've been. When we ended up in this odd state of affairs with me fronting but not fronting we were wondering if we should stay like this or go back to how we were before, because we weren't sure if it was better or worse for us to be like this, and the brain very insistently said "stay where you are, it's better like this" and we were like "huh, who said that?"). But the reason we wanted me out of front is because my fatigue kept getting worse and worse and worse to the point that we just couldn't do anything anymore and somehow it was still getting worse and in our current state my fatigue is actually getting better (slowly, but it'll add up) so despite this being very far from what we had in mind we are sticking with it. Maybe at some point in the future, when my energy levels are farther away from "critical", we can try to do an actual switch instead of whatever this nonsense is (I'm being very uncharitable to our current situation because it is very strange, but since it's actually an improvement it feels a bit unfair)

Anyway, so we've mostly just been trying to manage with first the holidays and then all the awful stuff while still keeping me in a state of improvement, which was pretty touch and go sometimes (and the holidays always make me lose a ton of energy so that was really just damage control), which is why we've been off tumblr for longer than we usually leave tumblr for. And we're not really getting back on Tumblr now (why did our keyboard capitalize tumblr that time but not the other times 🤔), I don't know if we're going to be posting much, we'll see. But anyway, this improvement is really the first concrete improvement in our situation in literal years, so it's actually a pretty big deal. We've been stuck with this slow deterioration for nearly a decade at this point, and now it's on the upswing. So I expect that in a few years from now our life will look very different than how it's been looking so far. We might even have finally moved out of this goddamn house that I've been wanting to move out of since I was a teeny tiny child (literally, I found an old notebook of mine recently from when I was eight years old (to anyone who knows about the significant change in status quo that occurred when I was eight, which is none of you since no one reads this blog closely enough to remember what I'm talking about, but I'll say it anyway, this was definitely from before that change) where I wrote briefly about the fact that I'd been wanting to escape the body's family for a while). Here's hoping that the world doesn't go too much to shit by then

Anyway, here's some random good news: we've been experiencing some pretty bad allergic reactions recently (this isn't the good news lol) to a panallergen that's pretty much impossible to avoid, but we just managed to get our hands on some antihistamines! Now we can eat food and get a mild to moderate allergic reaction instead of a moderate to severe one! Yay! Okay, maybe this news doesn't sound as good as it feels. It's just nice to be able to eat again, instead of having to weigh our hunger against the allergic reaction, which we've been having to do for several weeks. Hopefully the reactions improve soon, we're not actually sure why they've been so bad recently, sometimes they just worsen for a while and then get better again

[monotonous-minutia]

what do you think about komische oper berlin 2015 tales of hoffman

oh I have....Thoughts on this one

TL;DR I hated it. if you liked the production you probably don't want to read this. I'm not very nice about it lol

I know people love Kosky but I won't forgive him for this. idk if I've seen anything else of his.

I watched the archival video stream however long ago that was and I was quite excited because the production looked interested and it professed to be the Kaye edit, which is the most recent critical edit and rarely produced. HOWEVER, it most definitely was not the Kaye edit. instead...

-large chunks of recits were missing -some dialogue was changed -scenes were cut or missing -long spoken monologues were inserted between acts (I presume they were excerpts from the real Hoffmann's work that inspired the opera, which is interesting, but it really didn't work).

Additionally, some lines were switched around or given to other characters. For example, Andres was taken out and replaced by one of the Hoffmanns.

And I say "one of" BECAUSE

they director had three different actors portraying Hoffmann.

I read a note saying he was playing off the tradition of having multiple performers playing the heroines, or even way back when the Villains were sometimes played by different performers.

in my humble opinion, that's just dumb.

there are REASONS that the heroines are played by separate performers. yes, it tends to be better when they're all played by the same diva, and we see that more and more lately, but I do no at all blame performers who choose to just sing one of the ladies because the singing style for each is pretty different. it makes much less sense for the villains to be played by different performers, and as such this is hardly ever seen anymore. Out of the almost 50 filmed productions I've seen, I've only seen that happen once.

so why have different actors play Hoffmann?

aside from "it's kind of funny" literally what is the point? The only thing that makes it vaguely interesting is that one of them is a baritone (in the Giulietta act iirc, it's been a while) and that's interesting because the role was initially going to be written for a baritone but that idea was scrapped because come on, how can a character like Hoffmann not be a tenor.

none of the Hoffmanns look or act the same so there's a deliberate attempt at discontinuity here. idk if they're trying to go for some breaking up of his psyche or id/ego whatever, but it doesn't work. the point of this opera is that the same guy (Hoffmann) goes through all these wacky scenarios with different people who also actually turn out to be the same people. making Hoffmann be different people throughout takes away from this and adds nothing.

also, the Hoffmann/Nicklausse dynamic (which as you all probably know by now is my favorite part of the opera) is not good. they push each other around and at one point Hoffmann grabs Nicklausse by the arm and twists it until he falls over. this is like their first interaction in the production so it doesn't set the mood very well. they do get to dance in the Olympia act and Nicklausse gets to be all protective of him in the Giulietta act, and they do have the Violin Aria but it's in the wrong place and he sings it to the speaking Hoffmann from the Prologue and interludes so it's really disconnected from the rest of the story.

the rest of the production is just weird. Nicole Chevalier plays all the divas and she deserves so much better. Her Antonia and Giulietta were okay but Olympia (and that act overall) were just weird. she was in a box. two of the Hoffmanns kept rotating during the trio des yeux.

the stage and set were interesting--diamond-shaped platform, glass bottles everywhere--but it couldn't save the rest. the only act I enjoyed even a little was the Giulietta one. standing on its own I could see it being okay. Chevalier was a great Giulietta and the Hoffmann in that act was pretty okay, and the set and darkness and creepy chorus members worked to make a pretty decent act.

but then it's ruined because there's no real epilogue, no grand reveal of what the stories all are, and no closing monologue for the Muse followed by the typical jaw-dropping chorus. Instead, we get the speaking Hoffmann lying in a coffin. Nicklausse sits on the coffin and together they sing "la ci darem la mano" as the lights slowly go down.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT?

the director references Don Giovanni a lot in this. yeah, yeah, I know Stella is performing that opera but I'm tired of directors trying to make some grand connections. I really don't think there are any. I think Don Giovanni was just popular. I can't remember all the ways the production referenced Don G and I think honestly I've blocked some of it out but I remember being super annoyed with it because it just. didn't. work.

I liked Nicklausse's outfit. stylish and kinda sparkly. he was so gay but had nothing to work with.

anyway there are my thoughts, hope you enjoyed lol

[kdipshit]

Trying ;

A different part of me shows up depending on who I’m speaking to, strangers don’t even get the same version of me, yanno that version on you when you meet someone new? I change my personality based on the initial energy I feel. I’m shy sometimes, I’m out the gate other times. It really just DEPENDS. who am I? Well I’m not one thing, I’m a combination of hundreds of thousands of little things, I’m not uniform, I actually don’t have a clue how to start explaining myself, this is the shit I do, I just wrote a cover letter for a job, like a specific job, because I guess I really want it, having a job gives me anxiety issues, but I haven’t had any anxiety issues since not being at work, hmmmmmm, like duh work gives me anxiety, but I have been working on my anxiety, and taking this god damn pills every damn day, I am happy to take them, by the way. I do truely feel like I can take on this job, casually, not crazy hours, super close to home still, I can walk, I’m happy to walk, I’m in my walking girl phase anyways, like its still good to get something off my daily to do list, I slacked off today, I think I got discouraged because I woke up super late even though I set an alarm, It wa like instant failure and bad day, I’ve already missed the morning so why do my Me+ yang, and I said no, I should still do my morning routine even though I woke up late, and I did, and I’m so grateful that I did because I didn’t fall into the trap, I did what I said I was going to do every morning, because it helps my mental health status.

Being fit genuinely makes you pretty, it evens out your skin tone, tightens your skin and like you just look sooooo pretty, I need to be more fit, I don’t have any excuses not to, I’m trying to learn how to do the things I don’t want to do even when I don’t want to do it, prepping me for bigger things in life like going to work when I don’t want to lmao, it’s all connected, and I’m still learning. Until I can accept to have to do the things I don’t want to, I’ll continue to do them, no matter how I feel. Well that’s what I hope I do, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it without constantly writing about it, other wise it just get tangled up in all the other mess…. My main focus remains to slowly unravel, and just all round slow the fuck down, mentally, my thinking needs management and direction, it’s a mess. But I’m doing the messy work, and I’m okay with that, because it just is, and I have to be. I shouldn’t tourture myself though, with doing things I don’t want to do all day long, but just recognising, that things need to be done, no matter how I feel about it. How I feel about it, is irrelevant to the bigger picture, its only when I focus on what the problem should be, is there ever an issue. i am not my feelings and they come and go just as thoughts do.

I caught a glimpse and I’m going after it, no matter how I feel, I’m so grateful for the version of myself I am today, thanks to the many yesterdays, i swear I change faster than one of those skin changer lizards lol, I feel on cloud 9, I’m happy despite all the crazy noise below me, I can breath despite all the chatter, I can sleep no matter how crazy the city traffic is. The moment I say no to doing something that is benefiting me, it turns on the switch to spiral me back down to old ways of thinking, and that’s exactly where we’re trying to a avoid, and may I just say how fucking proud I am of myself, I’ve kept up with my morning routine for like a solid couple weeks, I’ve kept my room clean, I’ve made my bed every morning which is something I’ve never done, I’ve just never cared for making my bed coz I was always in it lmao, and my mum made my bed when I was a kid, I’ve eaten every day, I’ve taken my pills at the same time, I’ve gotten my sleep schedule on lock, I’m literally out like a light by 10pm WHO AM I ???? I’m up by 8-9 which is okay but I’d like to get up at 7am, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, I just love the number 7, plus I’m the luckiest girl in the universe and all that cute jazz. I write every single day like this is a HUGE streak for me, I’m very very proud of myself, I think seeing the streak of my non drinking (7months 29days btw) really motivated me in a way that made me feel capable to streak other good things in my life. Like seeing a meter of my success lmao, not that I need it, it’s just good to have a quick look and be grateful to be able to stand here today. It has not been an easy road, in fact it’s the hardest road I’ve ever had to go down, but I don’t care how hard it is, I can do this. I don’t know what it is I’m doing, but I’m fucking doing it and I’m doing it to the best of my ability, I’m achieving my own trust by consistently standing beside myself, no matter what, by showing up for myself, for putting the thoughts and feelings aside and pushing thru. healthy coping mechanisms have slowly implemented themselves into my life due to my constant effort. I’m not perfect, I’m a rough cut, but I’m getting there, and that’s by doing this shit every single day. Alone. Most importantly.