#i kept second guessing myself on these stupid easy words but somehow could easily spell the hard af legal jargon vocabulary 🤡

[huxianposts]

GUESS WHO FUCKING GOT THE JOB EVEN THOUGH THEY FORGOT HOW TO SPELL 'ACCOMMODATE' AND 'OCCURRING'-- ME, CLOWN CENTRAL

[ladybuvelle]

I find it odd that you often have posts about feeling excluded in the community, given your generally high activity levels and the great level of respect and personal adoration I hold for you. Of course, from outside, one never gets the full tory. I think you're a driven individual who is at times too harsh on herself but who also deserves a better situation than the one you have. You're a skilled artist and immensely dedicated.

// First of all: thank you for the kind words.

But more pressingly onto the subject of exclusion… it’s hard to talk about without giving specific examples, but when I look back on it it’s been a role playing career problem for me for years. I’m talking over a decade of role playing on various platforms and in very differing fandoms and “cultures”, but the same problems exist everywhere.

I’ve been hurt before. I’m an old hand when it comes to role play, and I feel like I’ve basically seen the medium from enough sides to know how the tropes and patterns go by now. But I’ve been hurt. Over time I’ve become more guarded, more selective about who I give my time and emotions. Because there are few things that hurt me more than giving someone my all only to have them abandon me in the end. It’s happened too many times. And admittedly, many times I could have prevented it if I’d just been smarter about the company I kept. But abusive relationships wouldn’t be what they are if everyone was so logical. I’ve stuck with people I had no business sticking with because I felt like I had nothing else.

Coming to Tumblr saved my life, literally and figuratively. I’ve said it many times and I’ll keep saying it because it continues to be true even today. But I’m not stupid or blind to what goes on here. Coming here showed me new ways people could hurt me or reject me; for example, I play Sona as straight. I’ve had people who couldn’t quite grasp that idea. Or I’ve had guys who were WAY too pushy about shipping with my muse, or getting really creepy and uncomfortable in the way they’d treat me.

I’ve been told by some dude who I thought was my friend, after a sudden and long-winded life story I didn’t ask for, that my feelings didn’t matter because he had a mental illness. And then when I immediately broke contact with him he was so buttmad about it he put in his blog rules that he didn’t want to hear about me or my blog, but that if people wanted to know about it he’d tell them. I had people over a year later coming to me asking what the hell was up because he was still talking about me. I’d never called him out. I’d never really gossiped or slandered him before then. And I won’t say who he was because what’s done is done and I really don’t even care anymore about it - it’s just one example of how easy it is to get a bad reputation here.

People meet me, decide how they feel about me, and then tell their friends, and their friends form opinions about me based on second-hand brief encounters. I actually had someone fairly recently say how “uncomfortable” I made them despite never having spoken to me personally before - all based on a few loose facts. I did get to speak to them, but I was left utterly baffled by the whole experience.

I’ve had someone block me all because they thought I called them selfish, when in reality I was just trying to tell them to try and look at things from another perspective and be proud of the work they do. I was asked to leave an art group for it. One person “””joked””” they wanted to “fight me”. I hadn’t cringed that hard in ages.

I’ve had people tell me I embarrassed them by casually correcting them on lore things, or being “too knowledgeable” about their chosen muse, or because I’m not pandering to their spells of self-hate and angst. I’ve been told I “don’t get it”, or that I’m “weird” for the way I run certain things or my mentality on certain things. There are people I really think I could have been friends with who spoke to me maybe once and have since given me the cold shoulder - and I have no idea why, or how, or what to even do about it. So I don’t do anything about it.

A lot of it? I don’t care. If I were to sit around and cry about every person I’ve somehow hurt or who hurt my feelings, I’d be a shriveled corpse by now. I have more important things to worry about than petty drama or how ___ feels about me or if ___ is talking behind my back. I keep a very, very small personal friend group. And when I say “small” I mean literally like 2-3 people that I talk to with any kind of regularity. If that.

Every attempt to make a new friend is seasoned with anxiety these days. How do they know me? Are they friends with ___? Are they going to have some kind of expectation? Do they even have an interest in my muse? Am I even going to like them?

So yes. To a certain extent I do feel excluded sometimes. I don’t ever want to make a big deal out of things here because that’s stupid and drama is stupid. I’ve never really and extensively talked about the things listed above on the blog because, frankly, it’s all my own personal business that no one else should be involved in. I’m not here to do call-out posts or tell you not to follow XYZisms or whatever the fuck because they hurt my feelings. If anything, when I do talk to someone about a lot of these encounters, I always point out that “I’m not going to tell you not to follow them, because they’re still very talented/probably just aren’t friend-compatible with me/etc.” Unless I feel someone is a real danger to others, I’m never going to tell people “stay away!”. That’s a shitty thing to do.

It does, however, mean awkwardly excusing myself from certain chat groups, or game sessions, or whatever have you - because I’m not going to be that person who stays where she isn’t wanted. I have a lot of personal integrity. If people see me for who I am and appreciate it, then I appreciate it too. If you’re just going to judge me based on something your friend told you, or because I maybe made a post or image that made you uncomfortable for some reason? That’s your right.

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, though. I’m not a rock. I just want to be here and have fun… I hate walking on eggshells for people.

I could also get into the whole issue of “depression culture” here on Tumblr, where it’s practically fashionable to be self-hating and sad, but it’s too broad a subject to comment on and I fully understand that some people are actually, legitimately depressed and suffering and have no outlet. I suffer a lot, too. I’m doing the best I can with it every day. And just because I can handle certain things doesn’t mean other people can just as easily.

I’ve been berated for being strong in the face of my problems. I’ve been told I make people feel bad for being happy. How fucked is that? And god forbid I don’t pander to people who just want attention all the time. Or god forbid I actually try to reach out and help. But I guess I’m too old to understand the emotional young adult lifestyle. I’m 31. I’m far away from all that bullshit now, and even though I’m full of life advice and general perspective, it doesn’t matter because some people just wanna be angry or sad.

I’m not making fun. Sometimes that’s just how it is… you have to fall on your own and learn how to get up on your own.

I didn’t mean to go into this long-winded vent/rant, but I felt the need to explain these feelings that I know I must have been very vague about (on purpose). Communities are weird things. People don’t realize that with popularity comes a level of influence over others. Or they don’t realize that I can fucking see your racism, or whatever hateful shit you post.

Be kinder to each other. I’ll be fine in the long run, because I always am. But learn something, guys. Be more aware of the things you say and do and post.