#i keep trying to tell myself to just wash a couple dishes at a time or just one or two

[rangerbarbz]

Sugar Stan

Author’s Note: Y’all this semester has been hell in all honesty. It makes me sad I haven’t been able to write, but I have obtained some free time for some writing. Y’all seemed to really enjoy the Stan fic I wrote, so I’m gonna try and cook something up. I love all the babes who’s been supporting me in my indulgent behaviors <3

“Sugar Stan”

Description: Stan is known for being a notoriously cheap man, but he likes to splurge for you when he can.

You were washing dishes in the sink from this morning’s breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon when you heard your phone buzz. You put the final dish onto the drying rack before rubbing your hands on your pajama pants and picking up your phone. Stan’s name popped up on the screen causing you to grin giddily. You and Stan had been dating for a while now, but if you said he still didn’t give you butterflies, you’d be lying.

Stanley <3: Hey, Doll. You got plans at 7:00. I’ll be there to pick you up. Wear that red thing I got you.

You yelped and jumped around the kitchen. You loved it when he surprised you like this. For an old man, he sure kept you on your toes. It was very attractive, in your opinion. You caught flack from your girl friends for dating Stan Pines, the town shyster, but they didn’t see him the way you did.

It was about 6:45 when Stan knocked at your front door with a bouquet of flowers. You opened the door to find him in a brown leather jacket over a red dress-shirt. The first couple of buttons were undone to reveal his chest hair and a gleaming gold chain. God, he looked good.

He looked you up and down when he saw you letting out a low whistle. You were wearing a red, shimmering gown that hugged your body in the all the right ways. You had your hair up to show off your gold hoops Stan got you which did not go unnoticed by him.

“Would you look at that,” he murmured, bringing his free hand to your jaw to gently turn your head from side to side. He smirked. “They look good, babe.” You were smiling ear to ear at him. He looked so damn sexy you couldn’t stand it. You wanted to just skip out on whatever he had planned and just let him take you right there. 

“Thank you, Stan,” you replied, looking into his cognac eyes. You grinned at him as his gaze fell to your plush red lips. It was brief, but you noticed. His expression then became playful.

“Alright, turn around. I wanna see the back,” Stan said winking and taking your hand in his to turn you around. You giggled as he twirled you, feeling his eyes move over your body. You were a blushing mess by the time you faced him again. He set the bouquet on the side table near him and then pulled you close by your hips.

“I can’t wait to show you off, tonight,” he grumbled into your neck. He had leaned down to kiss at the exposed flesh of your collarbone. You inhaled sharply at the contact, and his strong arms pulled you flush against him. He smelled of tobacco and cologne; it was a scent you wanted to drown yourself in. Stan continued his assault on your neck, peppering kisses everywhere he could. He stopped once you started laughing at his stubble tickling your shoulder. He pulled away to look at you again with a soft smile.

“Sorry, babe. Got ahead of myself there.” He began adjusting his pants to hide the growing bulge that was forming. His face was blushing a tad bit, so you gave him a kiss on his cheek to let him know there was nothing to be ashamed of. Your kiss had left a red mark in the shape of your lips on his cheek. You had almost said something about it, but something about it was erotic. It told other people who he belonged to, so you decided to keep the mark you made untouched.

“You don’t hear me complaining,” you joked, hooking your arm around his. Your hand grasped his bicep which was strained against his jacket. You gave it a small squeeze. “Love these arms.” Stan smiled and gave you a quick kiss to your temple. He wouldn’t tell you, but he adored your compliments.

 You walked out the front door together to the bright red El Diablo parked in your driveway. He opened the passenger door saying, “Your chariot awaits.” You giggled and took his strong hand into yours as you stepped into the car. He jogged to the other side of the car to get into the driver’s seat and begin your journey to wherever he was taking you. He backed the vehicle up into the road without looking and took off.

You sighed. “You know you should really watch out for other people driving, Stanley,” you chastised. “Somebody could hit you.”

He scoffed. “Please, they should watch after ME. If I’m ever in an accident, it won’t be my fault, babe.” You rolled your eyes as he sped down your road. Despite what he says, you know he would never actually put you in danger. He put his hand on your thigh and began to rub up and down your leg while humming along to an oldie playing on the radio. It was quiet between you two but nothing uncomfortable. After a bit, you decided to ask about where you were going.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out, sexy,” he answered. You cocked an eyebrow at him. He looked over at you and chuckled at your expression. “It’s nothing crazy. I promise.” He gave your leg a reassuring squeeze as he continued to drive.

“Okay. I believe you.” You smiled to yourself while looking out the window. The road he was taking you was a windy one with a beautiful view of forestry on either side. When he finally started to slow down, you were at Gravity Falls’ nicest restaurant “The Club.”

“So, what do you think? Are you excited?” Stan prodded, pulling into the parking spot closest to the restaurant.

“Stanley! You shouldn’t have. This is too expensive,” you responded, turning in your seat to grab his arm. “We don’t have to eat here.” Stan rolled his eyes and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Would you hush? It’s my money, and I’m going to spend it how I want.” He put his hand on your knee and rubbed it lovingly. You gazed down at his hand and ran your fingers over his. He used his other hand to tilt your chin up to look at him. “Now, when we get in here, you’re going to buy whatever thing you want. Don’t even look at the prices. Ya understand?”

You nodded, a grin spreading across your face. “Yes.”

Stan returned a smile and patted your knee. “Atta girl. Let’s go stuff our faces.”

                                                                                ~Later that evening~

After enjoying a delicious meal, it was time for the check to be paid which Stan did not let you look at. He even left a twenty-dollar bill for your waitress who was very kind and attentive to you two. You were walking towards the exit together when Stan said, “Hold on. I gotta go take a leak. I’ll be back.” You nodded and stood outside the bathroom doors waiting for him.

As soon as he left, a man began to approach you. He was young and smelled like cheap cigarettes and body spray. He had sunglasses propped up on his slicked back hair. He grinned, leaning onto the wall next to you. “What’s a girl like you doing with an old man like that?” You rolled your eyes at him and instead stared at the glowing EXIT sign above you. You felt a hot breath near your ear and your body went tight.

“Hey, I asked you a question,” he growled. “You gonna answer me?” You felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest. “He isn’t half the man that I am. I can show you a good time, y’know.” His mouth was so close to your face. Your mouth was going dry.

“Hey, dickhead.”

The man turned around to immediately get knocked to the floor by Stan Pines. He held his nose as he cried out in pain, blood splattered on his face. Stan then knelt beside him and pulled the man up by the collar of his shirt.

“Remember my face when you try and pull this shit again,” Stan spat before punching him again in the jaw. The man went unconscious as Stan dropped him to the floor. He stood up, wiping the blood from his knuckles onto his pants.

“C’mon, toots. Let’s get you home.” He offered his arm to you, and you finally walked out of the restaurant to the car. He began to drive down the road, but you knew you weren’t going to go far. You were staring at him speechless. Your mind was racing over what you wanted to do to him after seeing him stand up for you like that.

Stan interrupted the silence by saying, “Oh, I saw this little mark you left by the way.” He tapped his cheek where the outline of your lips remained. He chuckled. “Can’t believe I’ve been walking around like this.” He was smiling, but his face fell when turned to you and saw your expression. Your eyes were glazed over; you weren’t focused on a word he was saying. Your eyes were on his lips.

“Pull over,” you demanded.

“What? Why?” Stan asked, confused.

You placed your hand on his thigh and whispered in his ear. “Pull over.” Stan’s breath hitched in his throat as your kissed below his ear. He slowed down and parked in an abandoned gravel road. It was a dead end, and he had driven far enough into the woods that you couldn’t see the car from the road. Not that you really cared.

He turned off the car, and you unbuckled your seatbelt. He did the same. You climbed over the console to straddle him and immediately plant your lips on his. It was fervent and sloppy. He groaned at the intensity at which you kissed him, his hands trying to figure out where to go. Your fingers were carding through his thick gray hair while your tongue slips past his mouth. You moan at the taste of him. He tasted of the glass of wine he had at the restaurant.

Stan’s hands grab your hips through your dress as you hold his face in your hands. You break away from the kiss to look at him. His mouth was smeared with your lipstick, and his hair was a mess. It was incredibly sexy. Stan gazed at you with dilated pupils, breath becoming ragged. 

“You’re so beautiful…” he whispered, pulling you into another kiss. It was much sweeter than the one you gave him. He then seemed ashamed. “I-I’m sorry if I went a little far earlier. I just can’t stand to see anybody talk to you like that.”

You put your finger against his lips to shush him. “Stanley Pines, you punching that douchebag was the single hottest things I have ever seen.” You leaned into the crook of his neck. “And I am going to fuck your brains out for it.” He let out a gasp as your lips collided with his again. One hand was holding you in place by the small of your back while the other was frantically looking for the lever to lower the seat. You let out a surprised yelp as the seat fell completely flat.

Stan chuckled. “Scare ya’, doll?”

You grinned at him. “Not at all, old man.” You began kissing down his neck and below his ear. He sighed, hands travelling down to squeeze your ass. Your breath shuddered at the contact. You decided that you were wearing too much clothing for either of your liking. You quickly unzipped your dress and shimmied out of it. You tossed the now useless fabric to the side. Your breasts were exposed due to the lack of a bra.

Stan let out a sharp exhale at the sight of you. “Fuck…Come here, sweet thing.” You giggled as he pulled you towards him. He started planting kisses on your breasts. You used your hands to prop yourself against the backseat to give him more room to fondle you. He began kneading your breasts before licking over your nipple. You let out an obscene sound at the contact of his hot mouth on you. He then sucked your nipple into his mouth while he rolled the other one between his fingers.

“Stan…” you breathed.

“Tell me how it feels, baby,” Stan murmured against your breast, sucking your other nipple into his mouth.

“It feels so good,” you replied, gripping his broad shoulders. You leaned down to brush your lips against his. “Let me make you feel good.”

“But you are making me feel good,” he grumbled, kissing the valley between your breasts.

A blush spread across your face. You loved how much he loved your body. He always made you feel so confident. “I know, but…” You placed your hand on his pronounced jaw and made him look up at you. “I want to make you feel even better, honey.” He had a devilish grin on his face.

“Okay then,” he said laying his back against the seat and putting his hands behind his head. “Do what you want.” You smiled at him innocently as you removed your red lace panties. You tossed them at his face, and he began laughing. You swiveled your body so that you were laying on his chest and working to unbuckle his pants. His pants had grown tight around his erection while you worked to free it.

You felt Stan’s hands begin to rub your outer thighs and ass. “Lovin’ the view back here, sugar.” You just know he had that dumb smirk on his face. He then grabbed your hips and pulled you closer to his face. You gasped feeling his breath against your cunt.

“Fuck, you’re already so wet for me,” he growled. You watched as he dick twitched in his boxers. His tongue delved into you, licking deep. You cried out as you felt him circle around your clit. He moaned and began to grab your hips harder and pull you flush against his face. You needed him so bad. You yanked down his boxers to reveal his pulsing cock before putting him in in your mouth. He groaned against you; his tongue moving at a faster pace.

You hollowed out your mouth, moving your head up and down. Your hands moved to massage his thighs causing him to buck into your mouth. His hands travelled up your back to your breasts. He pinched your nipples; a squeak escaped your mouth making Stan chuckle. His large, calloused hands felt wonderful against your smooth skin. You tried to focus on his dick and not on how good everything felt by licking and sucking him. He grunted and grasped at your breasts.

“Fuck, sweetheart. Get off me I wanna cum inside you.” You smiled and removed your mouth from him not before giving his pink tip a kiss. You scooted up, missing the feeling of his hot mouth on your cunt. You knew something even better was coming, though. You turned to face him. His face was glistening from your essence, caught all in his beard. His eyes were dark taking in your body. You caressed his face as you slid down onto him. You hissed from the perfect stretch he provided.

He let out loud moan while digging his fingers into your hips. You threw your head back and planted your knees on his strong chest. You liked doing this so you could bounce on him easier and faster. You moved your core up and down him, eyes rolling in the back of your head. Stan couldn’t help but watch you make yourself feel good using him. He thought you looked so pretty like this. The way your hair bounced and your breasts jiggled mesmerized him. He thought your face was the best part, however. Your lips were parted, eyes screwed shut, and eyebrows scrunched together. It was so sexy.

“Stan, stan…I’m so close,” you breathed.

“Me too, doll.” He gritted his teeth and started thrusting into you, holding you down on his cock. You yelled out, feeling that familiar feeling wash over you. Your breath was erratic as spasms rocked your body. Stan took this opportunity to ride out his own high. His hips were moving faster and faster, hitting your G-spot every time.

It didn’t take long for him to fill you up. His chest was heaving, and a bit of sweat had appeared along his hairline. He looked so handsome. You leaned down and kissed him on his flushed cheeks. He gazed at you lovingly, not saying a word.

“What are you thinking about, cowboy?” you teased.

“I’m thinking that maybe I should punch more guys for you.”

[prettyoatmeal]

pls pls pls pls pls

i need more FWB simon 😭😭

We're Just Friends (FWB!Simon x GN!Reader)

A/N: You need it anon, you got it!! I need to write more hurt/comfort because damn I loved writing this. Post anon is referring to.

GENRE: Hurt/Comfort

Synopsis: You and Simon have established a friends-with-benefits relationship. But the boundaries set in place keep getting overstepped. Your brain his confused, Simon's heartstrings are getting pulled back and fourth, and it isn't exactly your fault. Simon's in denial, and that barrier slowly starts to break.

Word Count: 770

Masterlist here!

***************

"You seemed awfully touchy with others tonight."

"Simon-"

"I don't like the way they were looking at you."

"Are you jealous?"

He grumbled against your skin, feeling his lips pressing small kisses along the crook of your neck through the fabric of his mask. Pushing you further into the countertop in front of you, his grip on your hips was becoming more possessive by the second.

No matter how many times you would tell him, it seemed like it didn't really matter. You two weren't a couple, you're allowed to do your own thing, even if you weren't really trying to. He had a bit of a habit of becoming too touchy or affectionate to your liking in regards to your arrangement, and now it was especially showing through after a little get-together at his flat.

"Relax, they weren't looking at me in any way. And I'm allowed to explore my options."

"I know.. jus' like you to myself sometimes. That's all."

This was becoming too confusing. For yourself, and for him. You'll push him away, remind him your situation isn't longterm, that you're doing this for him and that if someone comes along then you're allowed to pull out. But you couldn't help but think that maybe there was something more that he wasn't telling you. No matter how many times he'll deny it, it was getting a little obvious.

Too obvious.

The way you unintentionally tugged on his heartstrings over and over again, the effect you had placed on him was getting too much to ignore.

Pulling the infuriating fabric of his mask down and breathing in your scent with a long sigh, it was clear he wasn't going to let you go. Not yet at least. Placing the small porcelain dishes into the sink which you had been holding, you turned the tap on to start cleaning them. May as well make yourself useful if you weren't going to move, the clean smell of his dish washing liquid filling your senses.

But as his face nuzzled further into your soft skin, he couldn't get enough of you, his hands gripping at the flesh of your hips, squeezing your waist and pulling you as flush against him as he could. He didn't like the dish washing liquid drowning you out. He was becoming needy, mumbling a few words which only become muffled against you.

But you already got the feeling you knew what he said.

"Don't-" You warned. But he didn't want to listen, cutting you off.

"Please, lovie," he lifted his face from your neck just enough so you could hear him, "please stay. Just one night, just tonight."

He sounded upset almost, his pleading voice lingering with something more than just neediness.

Normally this would've gone no where, but something was telling you to stay. And you weren't sure if it was yourself, or the forces of nature. You knew that accepting will only play with his heart further. You were cruel for promising him you'll stay. But how could you say no to him sounding so sickeningly desperate.

This was getting unhealthy.

"Fine," you answered him reluctantly, "but just this once."

You were pulled away from the sink, and in a matter of minutes, the make-out session had ensued on his bed. A bed that smelled so comfortingly of him. You expected the usual -sloppy kisses followed by your guts getting rearranged by the behemoth of a man on top of you. But that wasn't his plan.

His lips moved slowly against yours, kissing you in the dimmed lights of his bedroom as if he loved you, and left your heart and head confused.

"Need you," he whispered against your plump lips, "I need you like.. like this." laying next to you, his arms wrapped around you with his head pressing against your chest, "please."

All you did sigh and hold him close. It felt wrong. You hoped this wouldn't also become a habit, burying himself closer to your warmth.

"This wasn't part of our agreement."

Silence. His arms around you tightened.

"You're playing with my head."

Silence again.. but this time it was followed by a muffled grumble into the fabric of the Nirvana shirt he gave you for pyjamas, which was considerably oversized on you. Throughout his protests, you could make out a small whine of 'I'm sorry'.

And with a sigh, you reach over to his bedside table to turn the lamp off, cradling his head closer to you as you placed a small kiss on the top of his head.

"Goodnight, Simon. Sweet dreams."

***************

<33 happy November 21st! <3

*************** DISCLAIMER Under no circumstances do I give permission to copy, repost, or manipulate my work in any way. I am not comfortable with this. If you wish to translate my work, message me privately. My inbox is always open.

[csuitebitches]

I really enjoy your blog and was wondering if you have advice on one of my biggest mental blocks. I'm 23 but struggle to feel like an adult and being independent deeply scares me even through I want to be "chasing my dreams". I've lived with my close knit family my whole life and still spend a lot of time with my parents. I'm almost going to move away(in the next year) and so I've began the process of getting a car/saving money, etc. But then I find myself subtly sabotaging these efforts because the idea of being alone/moving away also terrifies me. I really want to experience moving to a city and working and traveling and doing things I want and at this point I'm finding it draining being my parents "stay-at-home-daughter". But I also get anxiously sick when I try a push myself for more independence. I've put so much on hold going through school and then living in my home town w. parents and it's kind of scary to imagine dating (never prioritized men + parents didn't let me date in highschool= never had a bf or anything) or living alone even though I'd love to have the experience. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Basically I still feel like a 15 year old when it comes to my personal life and that feels a bit shameful.

I want to tell you that we all feel what you feel. You’ll only ever feel like an adult when you’ve exposed yourself to the outside world, regardless of whether you can handle it or not.

independence scares you because it’s unfamiliar territory. Often when we look at people who are independent and on their own two feet, they seem to have a sense of self identity, purpose and responsibilities to handle.

I’m always in favour of people moving out of their parents homes for a couple of years at least (the culture where I come from also emphasises on the whole family living together and there’s no move out at the age of 18 concept) because I see the pros and cons of both situations of living in/ out of your parents home.

No book, YouTube video, friends’ experiences will teach you about being an adult. You have to step out and experience it yourself.

Start doing exposure therapy. Basically, slowly, bit by bit, immerse yourself into the traditional adult experiences.

I’ll give you examples. Understand fully how your insurance works. Keep all your medical records in both a physical and a digital file.

Understand how your car functions as a product - which means guarantees, warranties, insurance, emergency numbers, mechanics nearby, etc.

Start tracking all your spending expenses, even if you’re using your parents money at the moment. The earlier you start this habit, the better. Create a monthly budget for yourself and stick to it.

Start doing your own laundry in the house and learn that not all clothes go in the washing machine, some go for dry cleaning etc.

Make it a goal to learn to cook at least 5 dishes properly before you leave. If your parents are good cooks, ask them to teach you or go to every introvert’s favourite site, YouTube.

Pretend that your room is a mini apartment and try to keep it clean at all times.

Start socialising more. Not just with known friends. Sign up for a random hobby class like a book club or a running club where you can meet more people. Yes it’ll be difficult, yes you’ll have moments of awkwardness but don’t give up after just one meeting - go and meet new people to get used to the idea of interacting with strangers.

You can’t rush into feeling like an adult. It takes time. Exposure therapy is the best way to get into it. The more responsibility you can healthily shoulder, even if you fail at times, you’ll still start feeling more confident.

We weren’t born with the knowledge of car tire changing mechanics, insurance, cooking or tidying up. We had to learn them as we grew up. It’s perfectly alright to not know how to do something. The beauty of living in today’s world is that the answer to nearly every question is one google search away.

[ejzah]

A/N: Kensi and Deeks get a little cranky when they don’t have enough private time.

***

Deeks, stalking into the bullpen with Kensi: I just don’t see why we can’t keep the dirty dishes in the sink and the dirty clothes in the hamper. And maybe wash either of those things a couple times a week.

Kensi: Oh my god, would you just stop? You’ve been talking about the same topic for the last hour.

Deeks: Maybe I wouldn’t have to bring it up so much if you actually cleaned anything around the house.

Kensi, glaring at him: And maybe it would be nice if you weren’t such a clean freak. Oh, except for when it comes to tracking sand through the house after you surf.

Deeks, outraged: I always vacuum up after myself.

Sam, whistling sharply: Hey, knock it off you two! You’ve been bickering non-stop for the last two days. What is going on?

Deeks, putting his hands on his hips: Well, we’ve been so busy for the last month with back-to-back cases, we might be a tinge shall we say, irritable.

Callen: Are you trying to tell us you need a nap.

Kensi, unamused: No. What we’re saying is we’ve barely had any time to ourselves.

Deeks: To reconnect. And check in with each other. On both a spiritual and physical level.

Sam, lip curling in distaste: Ok, we get the picture. Seriously? *Deeks shrugs* Fine, take ten minutes and do whatever you need to and when you come back, you better not be arguing anymore.

Deeks, taking Kensi’s hand: We’ll try to be quiet.

Kensi: Thanks, Sam!

Fatima, slowly: So, they’re just going to go off and…?

Sam: We’re not talking about it.

Callen, hands behind his head: I hope they remember to lock the burn room doo or else Kilbride might be in for an unwelcome surprise.

Fatima, bemused: I feel like I need to leave.

[hazelhearts]

We'll Be Alright

Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader

summary: love takes time, especially when the person you love hurts you in the worst way possible

content/warnings: suicidal thoughts, depressive thoughts, miscommunication trope, wandavision, heartbreak

note/request: ahh my first wanda fic! it's been a long time coming. i put so much of myself into this one so I hope you guys love it as much as I do. warning, it hurts bad.

word count: 2.1k words

masterlist

Staying behind on missions had been a pretty normal thing for you over the past couple of weeks. You could listen to the dumb reasons Tony talked about for hours and hours every day, but the simpler thought is that he's an ass.

Usually Wanda would insist on staying back with you, but she didn't say a word this time. You assumed it was because of Vision. Things have gotten pretty tense between them the past couple of days, and sadly it wasn't the bad kind of tense.

Anyone with eyes could see that Wanda was gorgeous. But beyond that she was kind, compassionate, independent, and knew what she wanted. Not many people could say that these days. Especially not the clump of metal that's been trying to win her over.

Loving Wanda was honestly one of the worst things you could have ever done for yourself. She's been an emotional rock since Pietro, barely letting anyone in. You had only recently broken down some of the barriers, able to convince her to hang out with you. Most of the time it was just sitting silently in each others presence, but that was enough for you.

As the thoughts continued to run through your head, your phone suddenly rang. It took a couple of rings to really gain your attention, but the caller ID made you pick up so fast that it didn't really matter.

"Wanda?"

"Hey Y/N, um Tony wanted me to tell you to make sure that you washed the dishes. Something about how you kept skipping your assigned days?" The joy of talking to Wanda was always dulled by the mention of stick up his ass Stark. Sure you'd skipped a couple of days, but Thor loved doing them! He said that they didn't have to do it in Asgard and that it was one of his favorite mortal pastimes.

"Yeah, tell the asshole that they'll be done. But not because he wants me to, because I wanna eat dinner at some point tonight and the man doesn't touch a dirty dish." Wanda's laugh made the annoying remark worth it, the image of her smile making you grin like an idiot.

"Okay well that's all. See you later." She hung up before you could get out another word. Damn, so much for trying to be smooth Y/N.

----------

The team returned about two hours later, minimal injuries across the board. Wanda seemed to be the worse off. If you looked really closely, you could see a slight limp.

"Wanda-"

"C'mon, let's patch you up." If you weren't in front of the entire team, you'd crush that tin man into a cube and ship him to the nearest manufacturing facility.

Wanda and Vision walked into her room, practically staring into each other's souls. You were disgusted by the pda, that's all. Right?

"Stark, what's on the menu tonight?" Steve received a glare that was probably supposed to be intimidating but ended up making him look constipated.

"Whatever I put on the table. Now scram, or no one gets fed." You had never seen so many full-grown adults run out of a room at the same time.

You stopped in front of Wanda's room hoping the asshole of a robot was gone. For once, your wish was granted.

"Wands?" You lightly knocked on the door frame to keep from startling her. She nodded her head at you, as distant as ever.

"Wanna watch a movie? I picked out a few I thought you'd like." You knew there was too much hope in your voice but you couldn't help it. Since the titanium twat waffle showed up, you barely ever had a moment alone with Wanda.

"I'm sorry Y/N. Vision and I were actually going to do something tonight. Maybe some other time?" You forced the smile to stay on your face, refusing to show her any negative emotions.

"Oh yeah, sure. Another time." You walked out without another word, debating on asking Tony to deactivate the thorn in your side before you did it yourself.

----------

You began to feel immune to the passing of days as you and Wands drifted further and further apart. Every second she wasn't on a mission was spent with Vision. Your heart broke more every day, if that was even possible.

The rest of the team had started to notice your absence. Even when you were with them physically, you were somewhere else. They knew that asking Wanda to read your mind was out of the question. You had clarified that the first time the idea was spoken. Since then, they've all worried in silence. Even shithead Stark was starting to worry about you.

The team (minus you, Wanda, and Vision) got together and put it to a vote. Who would be the one to check on you? None of them really wanted to since emotions were not their strong suit, but it had to be done. The vote ended in a tie between Nat and Steve. Steve, being the only one brave enough to actually do it, knocked on your door a few minutes later.

"Y/N? It's Steve. Can I come in?" No response.

"Y/N, give me some sign that you're alive." Nothing, yet again.

"Alright, I'm coming in." Steve opened the door and there you were, staring out the window.

There were dark bags under your eyes, dried tears splattered across your face, and a haze over your eyes that Steve hadn't ever seen before. Your clothes looked like they hadn't been washed in weeks, as they probably hadn't. Your room was surprisingly clean, seeming as if no one had lived in it for quite a long time. It was true, since what you were doing wasn't really living.

"Y/N..." He knelt down next to the chair you were in, looking out the window. He knew you probably didn't want to talk, but you had to. No one had heard a single word come out of your mouth in months. Not even Wanda.

"Y/N/N, talk to me kid. I'm worried, Nat's worried, we're all worried. You haven't said a word in months, you barely eat, and you barely ever leave this room. I need you to talk to me." Your head turned towards Steve, absent look still present behind your eyes.

"Do you ever feel like the universe is plotting against you? Like, every time you find happiness, it comes in and squashes it?" Your voice was completely monotone apart from the scratch that showed just how unused it was.

"Kid, I should have been dead ages ago. I lost the woman I loved, the life I was living, and my best friend in what felt like a month to me. So yeah, I understand." Your head turned back to the window, but your eyes slowly focused more on the area around you.

"I'm just tired, Steve. I'm so damn tired. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of thinking, and honestly I think I'm even tired of living. Everything hurts." Steve's hand came up to rub your back, giving you the slightest bit of comfort.

"Well, let's wake you up. I know that there's no automatic remedy, but we can try can't we? How about you start with a nice shower, brushing your teeth, and changing out of these nasty clothes?" Your hand found Steve's on the armrest of the chair, giving it a light squeeze.

"Are you saying I stink Rogers?" You both let out a laugh, his much stronger than yours, but still a laugh. The first laugh you'd had in months. It felt good.

"God yes. You smell like a sewer. Now, go." Steve laughed as he left the room, and you got out of the chair.

----------

"Y/N/N! We missed you!" Thor practically ran to you and scooped you up into a hug, cutting off all of your oxygen.

"Can't- breathe. Thor, o-oxygen!"

"Shit! Sorry tiny." He finally let you go, your face slowly gaining back color. You smiled, really smiled.

"I might be tiny but that doesn't mean I can't beat the shit out of you blondie!" Everyone laughed, happy to have a bit of the old Y/N back, no matter how little.

"I made breakfast!" Tony came around in his signature Kiss the Cook apron, a huge plate on pancakes holding on for dear life.

"God, you read my mind." You and the rest of the team rushed to the table, excited as ever to scarf down every bit of food within reach.

One thing you did happen to notice was Wanda. She sat next to you, as far away from Vision as possible. You dismissed it, trying not to get your hopes up as it didn't work out well at all last time.

You practically inhaled the food, finishing three plates in record time. You even beat Thor's personal record, pissing him off more than ever.

You saw Wanda approach you out of the corner of your eye, keeping your head facing down towards the sink. You were sure that these dishes had never been as thoroughly scrubbed as they were right then.

"Y/N? Can we talk?" You risked looking up at her, seeing only sadness behind those beautiful emerald eyes you loved. The sight made you want to throw up.

"Yeah sure, we can go to my room." You put the final dish away, leading Wanda towards your room and shutting the door behind you.

"Okay, what's up?" Before you could even fully turn around, Wanda collapsed into your arms. You grabbed onto her as tightly as you could, holding her as close to you as you could manage.

"I missed you. God, I missed you so much. I read your thoughts, I know you asked me not to, but I had to! You were never around and I was worried! I saw everything, everything about me." You were definitely going to puke.

"Oh god Wanda. You were never supposed to see that." You averted your eyes, unable to look at the woman you loved. You couldn't face her rejection when you were just starting to pick yourself back up.

"Y/N, look at me, please." She put her finger under your chin, raising your head enough to look into her eyes.

"I love you, I should have said it sooner. I just- I thought you could never feel the same way. You were always so fun and amazing, I never thought you'd want me. So, I went to Vision, trying to get over you. But it didn't work! I can't stop thinking about you, and I think you can't stop thinking about me either." The words you always wanted to hear were finally spoken to you, and all you felt was dread.

"Wanda, of course I still think about you. I can't help it. But I'm not in the place for a relationship right now. I just started trying to get myself back together. I just started recovering from the first time you broke me. I can't put myself through that again yet. No matter how much I love you, I need to love me for a while." Wanda slowly nodded her head, averting her eyes this time.

"It's not a no, it's a give me time. I don't wanna make you wait, but I can't do it. I love you Wanda, so much, and knowing you feel the same way about me? I'm over the moon. But I need time, time to gather all these thoughts I'm having and pull myself together." You grabbed Wanda's hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"I understand. I'm happy you're taking care of yourself." She smiled at you. You could tell it was forced, but you appreciated the effort.

"Do you think we can be friends, y'know, until you're ready?" You smiled right back at Wanda, yours much more sincere than hers.

"I would want nothing more. But, I do have one request."

"What might that be?" Wanda smirked, making you even more confident in what you were about to do.

"This." You kissed her. You poured every bit of love and care you had for her into the kiss, expressing all the words you couldn't say with the movements of your tongue and lips. Wanda kissed back just as passionately, love nearly drowning you.

You both knew that it would take time. You needed to heal, and Wanda did too. You'd both been through a lot, emotionally and mentally. But, until you got your happy ending, you could have her by your side supporting you in the same way she used to. That would be enough, for now.

----------

taglist form

[finkinthisfrew]

Anything (Pt.16)

cw: alcohol consumption, Matty gets angry at Ross (sorry Ross girlies <;3)

Chapter 16 Matty was washing the dishes in my sink after our quick dinner when I stepped out of my bedroom, freshly showered and dressed, ready for the party.

"How do I look?" I said, announcing my presence.

Matty turned to look at me, brushing a curl away from his forehead with the back of his suds-soaked hand. His jaw dropped when he saw me.

"Fuck, Anna," he said, speechless, looking me up and down.

After finally convincing Matty to tell me the dress code (casual- though Matty was adamant that I wear whatever I feel like) I settled on a simple, comfortable outfit. I chose a skin-tight black tube top, some long and loose denim shorts, and a black pair of cowboy boots. I wore a variety of chunky silver rings and a few simple necklaces. My hair was freshly washed, curly and shiny, shaggy as usual. Under my arm, I carried a small black leather studded shoulder bag.

I couldn't help but blush from the way Matty looked at me.

"Please don't ruin the outfit," I said, giving him a small knowing smile as he started towards me, freezing momentarily at my request.

He spun around to the oven, looking for a hand towel, but not finding one. He chaotically searched for one to dry his hands with, looking at the kitchen island, then the counter before yelling, "ANNA, WHERE ARE THE HAND TOWELS, THIS IS URGENT." He spun around in a frenzy as I giggled at him, both his hands still in the air, soap bubbles dripping down his forearms. "THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER," he yelled, opening cupboard after cupboard. Before I could tell him they were still folded on the couch from when we did my laundry together the previous night, he ran to the washroom.

Seconds later he swept me up in his arms, spinning me around, then set me down and wrapped his arms even tighter around my waist and kissed me. I would have felt dizzy regardless of his spin, feeling lightheaded right away from the passion in his kiss. I returned his energy, kissing him back harder. Our hands roamed each other sensually, slowly becoming more and more frantic. Before things could get any more heated, I lightly pushed Matty's chest and he took my cue immediately.

"Before we get carried away, we should go," I said softly, a little breathless from our kiss, stroking his jawline with my finger.

"Maybe we should stay," he said enthusiastically like he'd just come up with a great idea- as if he wasn't mentioning it for the third time in a row.

"Matty..." I said patiently, "We already settled this. I really want to meet your friends!"

"This outfit is just too good. It's like you wanted me to keep you home, you're practically begging me to hoard you," he said jokingly with a pout. "Maybe I'm not a feminist after all..." he said, biting his lip thoughtfully. I playfully smacked his arm, and he laughed. "I'm joking, I promise. But darling, please have some sympathy here! Look at you! You're drop-dead gorgeous! How could I not want you all to myself?" he said with exaggerated doe-eyes.

"Mattyyyy!" I whined. "Please, babe. We're already late!" I pouted back at him, trying not to laugh at his ridiculousness.

"Don't worry, darling, I'm only taking the piss out of you. The car's already here," he said sweetly, placing a kiss on the top of my head before grabbing his crewneck off the back of my kitchen chair. I picked up his oversized black hoodie which lay on the couch to take with me in case I got cold and he gestured to take it from me, tucking it under his arm along with his layer to carry for me before taking my hand.

About 20 minutes later, we arrived outside of a loud and busy bar. A couple dozen people stood outside smoking, laughing and talking loudly.

As we stepped outside of the car, almost everyone who stood outside greeted Matty as we walked towards the bar, one by one. 

"This is my girlfriend, Anna," he said to each person, a look of pride on his face every time I shook a new person's hand or accepted a friendly hug. It was a whirlwind of names and introductions, but everyone was so kind, and I was already feeling drunk off of Matty's casualness around labelling our unlabeled relationship. We hadn't talked about labelling us as girlfriend-boyfriend, likely because we already knew it was official, but it still made me giddy to hear him call me his girlfriend so proudly.

We walked towards the front door of the bar. A chalkboard sign outside read 'closed for private event' and Matty strolled us right past it, as well as the two large security guards who stood outside.

As soon as we entered the bar, we heard a familiar voice yell out, "Matty! Anna!"  We turned to look and saw George walking towards us in a casual tan linen suit, sporting a giant grin, and holding a bottle of wine in each of his hands. Matty smiled and reached his arm out, giving George a hug, not letting go of my hand. Then George turned to me with a big smile. "Anna! I'm so glad you could make it! How are you?" he asked enthusiastically, giving me a big warm hug.

"I'm great! I'm so excited to finally get to hang out together!" I said as we pulled apart. We began to excitedly ask each other about our days as we all turned to walk towards an empty couch, but another voice called out Matty's name. Matty waved hello before holding up a finger to say he'll be over in a moment. Then he leaned into me and groaned in my ear, "Ugh, I have to go talk to this person for a bit, love. Will you be alright without me for a little bit?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I'll be fine! I wanted some alone time with George anyways so I could ask about all your secrets," I said, giving him a devilish look. He laughed, then said, "I have no secrets from you- you can have them all, my darling." He kissed my temple, then gave me a little emotional smile, just between us. Then he turned to George. "Take good care of her while I talk to Mark, will you?" As George gave Matty a salute, Matty kissed me one last time, then took a step away from me, giving my hand one last squeeze and smiling before disappearing.

I turned back towards George who offered me his arm. Taking it, we strolled towards the empty couch. George offered me one of the half-empty bottles of wine in his hands and I accepted it graciously, taking a large swig. "You look lovely, Anna. I'm obsessed with these cowboy boots of yours" he said, giving me a twirl before sitting down and drinking from his own bottle.

"Thank you, George! You look lovely as well! That's a great suit- you look very dapper," I said sincerely. He fluttered his eyelashes at me comically, "Oh, this old thing?" We laughed together before he launched into his questions. "So, Anna. We only have about 20 seconds before Matty will rip himself from this conversation and come steal you from me- tell me everything. What's this residency you're here for?"

For the next half an hour, George and I talked, learning about each other's lives. He was so kind and warm and me feel so comfortable in a room full of strangers in a country I wasn't familiar with. We had the same sense of humour too, laughing constantly as we slowly emptied our wine bottles.

"Oi!" George yelled out in the middle of a story he was telling me about his first kiss, when a tall thin man in a loose white t-shirt and grey wool trousers walked by us. The man turned to see where the voice had come from as George yelled again, waving his arm. "Hanny, over here!"

The man strolled over, a glass of amber liquor perched casually in his hand as he walked over with a curious smile.

"Hann, I'd like you to meet the infamous Anna."

Before I could say anything, he came over and sat down next to me, pulling me into a warm hug.

"The Anna, in the flesh! It's so nice to finally meet the woman who's stolen Matty's heart," he said with a big smile on his face. "I'm Adam! Or you can call me Hann," he said kindly.

"Well, which do you prefer?" I asked curiously.

"You know, no one ever asks me that!" he said, his eyebrow furrowing in thought. "I don't know that I really have a preference. I guess Hann is what the lads call me more often, but I like Adam. Honestly, I'm fine with either I suppose."

"Well, since I'm not a lad, I guess I'll stick with Adam," I said with a shrug. "But if you ever change your mind, you let me know!" I said as I put my hand on his arm warmly.

Adam smiled at me with intrigue, then put an arm around me giving me a squeeze. "You're a good egg, aren't you? Lucky for you, I'm on the market for a new best mate." He gestured toward George with his thumb before saying, "This one almost forgot my birthday last week."

"Key word- almost!" George said, enthusiastically shaking a single finger in the air. 

We all laughed together before Adam turned to George saying, "She really is as lovely as Matty made her out to be. You really are!" I smiled as he turned back towards me.

"We can't all be in love with Anna- Matty will have our heads. Besides, I think Carly would really like to be friends with Anna," George said with a wink.

Adam rolled his eyes at George before explaining to me, "Carly is my wife. Actually, I think you two would hit it off. She's coming by later- you should meet her!"

"I'd love that!" I said sincerely, as we continued chatting. I really liked Adam. His energy was very calm and warm- I got the sense that the liquor he drank made him more outgoing than normal and I was getting a less soft-spoken version of him. I was utterly charmed.

I leaned in to ask him questions about his wife- how they'd met, how long they'd been together, what he loved about her- and we talked for ages. I was having such a nice time that I almost didn't notice how much time had passed since Matty disappeared. Almost.

Eventually, Adam ran off to find Carly outside, and George and I, having polished off our bottles of wine, went to the bar to get ourselves more drinks. We stood, chatting casually and laughing while we waited for the bartender to finish pouring a dozen shots someone else had drunkenly ordered.

Finally, George leaned over to yell our order to the bartender when I heard a deep voice behind me. "Who's this gorgeous girl, George." I turned around to find a very tall, very handsome bearded man smiling at me. He wore a fitted black T-shirt and dark jeans, his dark brown hair pulled back into a bun.

"Ross!" George yelled in drunken recognition, giving him a hug and a drunken kiss on the cheek. Ross hugged him back, laughing at George's drunken state and giving him a big pat on the back. As they pulled apart, George gestured towards me, excited to introduce me. "This is the beautiful, the stunning, the drop-dead gorgeous Anna," George said, making me blush. "Anna, this is Ross! Part-time bass player, full-time heartthrob," he finished with a wink.

Ross leaned in towards me up against the bar, a beer in hand, smiling at me. "Beautiful indeed." I blushed at his candidness. "So how do you two know each other?" he asked, placing his hand lightly on my lower back.

"She's my girlfriend," said a stern voice behind me. I turned around to find Matty glaring at Ross. His eyes turned to see me stepping towards him and his anger melted away in an instant, a small smile of sadness replacing it. "I'm sorry I disappeared for so long, I couldn't get away," he said painfully, wrapping his arms around me as I approached him. We snapped together like magnets. I didn't care that we were actually in a room full of people who knew who Matty was and were therefore mostly watching us with curiosity. As I wrapped my own arms around him, he pulled me in for a deep and long kiss. Suddenly, we were alone, just the two of us, and immediately I was filled with relief and elation. It felt like coming home- we really were so painfully in love.

When we finally pulled apart, I turned to find George with his head propped up by his elbow on the bar, staring at us with a big goofy smile and wiggling his eyebrows at us.

"If you two weren't so bloody cute I'd be sick all over right now," George teased.

"Well you'll have to get used to it, mate," Matty said, patting George's back with a smile, "I'm sure they've got a bucket or something you could borrow." He said, pantomiming looking behind the bar for a vessel, making George laugh. Matty turned back to me, leaning in to kiss my cheek and asked me softly, "Can I get you a drink my darling?"

"A glass of wine, please?" I smiled at him, and he glowed back at me.

"Anything," he whispered in my ear, then brushed his lips against my mouth, before pressing his forehead into mine and planting a strong kiss on my lips.

George pretended to throw up and made a loud retching noise, making Ross laugh. I smiled at them, turning to Ross and saying, "Shall we find you a bucket too?"

Matty chuckled to himself as he stepped over to the bar, notedly between Ross and me, to order our drinks.

"You're a bit of a firey one, aren't you?" Ross said with a fierce smile, stepping away from the bar and towards me. He raised an eyebrow at me before adding, "I'm glad to know there's someone who can keep up with Matty and all of his antics."

"Antics?" I asked, confused. Ross opened his mouth to answer, but George interrupted him.

"Oh, don't be a prat, Ross," George said throwing his arm around me, "you're just jealous that Matty found her first." George looked at me and wagged his finger at me sternly, "Don't listen to him, he's just lonely and horny." Then someone grabbed George's attention across the room and he disappeared in a drunken flash.

"There's nothing wrong with being lonely," Ross said innocently, looking straight into my eyes with intensity. I felt like his eyes were going to burn a hole through the back of my head.

"I agree," I heard behind me as a hand appeared in front of me with a wine glass. I took the glass and felt Matty's hand wrap around my waist sensually from behind as he embraced me. He placed a kiss on my shoulder, sending a shiver down my spine. "There's nothing wrong with you being lonely." I felt the quiet anger in his voice. Matty kissed my cheek protectively before adding "In fact, I prefer it. But if you wouldn't mind being horny with someone else's girlfriend, that'd be great, thanks, mate."

Before Ross could say anything, Matty pulled me away, taking us through the back of the bar, grabbing a bottle of wine from a table on our way, and out the back door. 

[5-htagonist]

god damn im so happy rn... ill stick it under a readmore bc its about food and my appetite idk if it would be triggering also this turned into more of a diary entry than anything lol My Blog My Rules though

i made curry last night and im really happy because ive been having a lot of trouble eating and Making myself eat, on top of being really erally really broke so we havent had much food in the house thats just Ready To Go consistently.. like, we always have oats, but we dont always have milk, and i cant eat them with water.. or we have ham but we run out of bread, or all i want are fruits and leafs but we cant really keep anything except apples/oranges/grapes because they dont go bad before we finish them, or bananas cause they arent really ruined if theyre overripe you just throw them in the freezer. so we cant get salad materials.

if i try to just shove calories in my body and i dont like it i wont finish it. like i will feel full until i stop trying to make myself eat it. and this isnt even just when adderall affects my appetite.

then, on top of all that, i know if i eat i have to do dishes. my husband usually does them, but hes been going through a really bad time for the past couple months too, plus we only moved out july 2023, and before that his mom had been Divorced outta the house earlier that year iirc plus id been living there since july 2022, so his brain and nervous system has felt safe enough for the ptsd recovery stage for nearly 2 years. and he gets hit really hard with seasonal depression, and he has adhd too. he typically does dishes, i typically do laundry. the problem is its easier to wear the same clothes for a few days, or rewear laundry that isnt rancid, or wear ill fitting clothes that have been shoved to the back of the dresser, but its hard to wash a dish when the sink is full and the kitchen is overwhelming.

so, to avoid having dirty dishes, i wont eat. whats worse, is i was insanely stressed over school for like 3 weeks. all the stress i should have had this semester hit me really bad all at once. when im that stressed, i cant think about anything relevant to maintaining myself-- especially not maintaining neutral-positive self talk and constructive self esteem. which means i shut down if anyone needs anything from me real or imagined. which means i cant be there for my husband and make sure he eats and check in on him. so all this stupid shit just feeds into itself. ive had more s/h urges than ive had in years i think, and not even in response to anything extrinsic.

my goofy ass got drunker than i usually do super quick the other night, it wasmy husbands birthday party. i cleaned up the apartment super nice since mostly my stuff was strewn everywhere and did the dishes. i didnt eat all day and i think i had like, one inadequate meal the day before. so i was exhausted after cleaning, our roommate ordered pizza and i ate and passed out for 3 hour nap. by the time i got up everyone was already at Least buzzed. my brother in law got a mom call and my husband (drunk) was like Hey. Give me the Phone.. tell her i wanna talk... because she LOVES being upset that her kids are having a good time and feels the need for Hour Phone Call when and where she wants it, and my BIL is an adult but they dont treat him like one, so hes still really deep in feeling trapped in these trauma responses.

this i think is what really got me, other than not being on my full dose of adderall so my emotional abilities were compromised lmao. i was tryingto tell my husband i love him, because i was leaving to weed store, and he was getting triggered while drunk, so he was annoyed i was interrupting the call and i didnt get my byebyehugnkiss. not to mention they were being really loud earlier. so now i feel bad. i get back immediately down 2 shots (3 shots is where i am Comfortably Drunk) and share a j actually post cancelled kendrick just dropped. the point was that i got too drunk and started hitting myself on the head and crying in the kitchen floor lol but who cares about that KENDRIIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[andswarwrites]

Day 22

Some children have a knack for becoming an ��interpreter” for their parents.  In a dispute between the couple, their young child may speak up and explain to their father that when their mother said or did a certain thing, she actually meant such and such, and then explain to their mother that their father may not seem to feel a certain way, but this and that indicate otherwise.  These children grow up to be mediators, who, when they are in a relationship of their own, can navigate communication like it’s their superpower.

If we have this superpower, however, we have to be careful not to misread the signs we think are so clear.  That's why, no matter how obvious I think certain signals are, I prefer to simply ask: "How are you feeling right now?" or "How are you doing?"  Maybe the banging of dishes in the sink while they are washed isn't passive aggressive.  And a bad mood isn't necessarily directed at us.  The best way to help out is to give the person an outlet for expressing what's on their mind, if their even is anything.

So instead of thinking I'm a mind reader, I think of myself more as an empath.  I registered something on my radar: someone seems upset, stressed, or even just tense.  If they seem to be trying to cope or hide it, I try to reassure them with a kind gesture.  Often I ask if I can give them a hug.  Not everyone wants one, so I offer.  And a refusal doesn't hurt me.  I follow up by asking if they would like some company, and I let them choose if they feel like talking or if they just want to a silent companion to sit with.

The other day my daughter asked me why I was so cranky.  I told her it was because I had to do something I didn't feel like doing.  As soon as she understood, she stopped getting angry with me for my moodiness.  That just shows me that everyone is allowed to have bad days or even just moments, and the greatest gift you can give someone who is having a hard time, is not expect them to magically cheer up, but let them feel the way they are feeling.

I also have to be careful not to let my empathy drain me.  In order to do this, I need to keep the right perspective, the right angle.  Of course I care when someone I meet is going through trials.  But I can't take their trials on and make them into my own.  I have to remember that every single person on the planet is going through their own difficulty and challenge, because that's how life is.  If I add their burdens to mine, I'll collapse under the weight. I know, I've done it.

To show balanced empathy, I listen, and while I listen, I let my imagination live their anxieties and cares.  Then I ask if there is anything I can do to help, and if they dismiss the offer, I press them to think about it.  If there is something, and it is within my power, I resolve to assist.  That's the best I can do, so I let it go afterwards.  I don't dwell on my friend's troubles.  That's not helpful to either of us.  I bring my focus onto my immediate family, and at times I pour out my heart in my writing, in order to get it all off my own chest.

Sometimes what I see in the news starts to, as Jayne Cobb would say, "damage my calm."  Atrocities happen so frequently.  I know I've reached my limit when an anxious, icy heaviness expands inside my core.  Then it's time to turn away from current events and regain my composure.  Then I need to get away from my own cares, the cares that have been shared with me, the cares the whole world piles onto me, and go for a long walk, putting one foot in front of the other, and letting my brain think away.

When I'm preoccupied I'm at risk of not getting sufficient sleep and rest, and then my mind doesn't recalibrate the way it's supposed to, and I start to spiral out of control.  When I miss a night of sleep like I did last night, my mother gets worried.  She tells me over the phone to make sure I unwind that evening so that I'll be able to sleep.  Because a complete inability to sleep is not good for anyone, but for me it's downright dangerous.  Being completely wired may lead to a manic episode.

My mom and I talk every day.  She can hear a lot from my tone of voice.  If I sound exhilarated, she doesn't jump to conclusions, but she does make a note of it.  And then she waits to see how I'm doing the next day.  If she voices a concern, like she did yesterday, I do not dismiss it.  I take it to heart.  Because I trust her judgement. She knows me well.  I've got a disorder that is skewing my moods, so I need to listen to her point of view, and trust it.  Because when I trust my own thoughts implicitly, that's a very bad sign.

I started sifting through my writing since 2016 yesterday.  I'm compiling some into a sort of memoir.  I used to write with a lot more symbolism.  I wonder if the contrast between how I used to express myself before my diagnosis and how I express myself now will give some insight into the mind of someone with bipolar disorder.  Just compiling it is going to take a few more days, if my work ethic holds strong.  It might take a month, if I lose my drive.  Anyway, I'm thinking about asking my beloved aunt as well as my beloved sister to read it and give me their thoughts.  It's just an idea, in its infant form.

[mhsargent]

48

This one is a bit rambly, disjointed, and self-indulgent.  Feel free not to read.  Really. 

48 = 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 3 = 2^4 x 3^1. 

I’ve survived another lap around the sun.  This last one was a far nearer thing than I am (yet) comfortable talking about, but I find myself starting my 49th lap grateful to still be here.

As some of you know, (and for the rest, I am telling you now) I have been in an on-going state of chronic migraine for the last 9 ½ years.  There have been more intense and less intense stretches over those years, but this last 9 months has been about the worst I have ever experienced.   A little over 4 weeks ago, after starting on a new medication, I started to experience notable and significant improvements.  It was only then that I really became aware of how badly off I’ve been since October of last year.  (Spoiler: it was bad, y’all.)

As I come back to the world, I am grateful to still be experiencing life.  I appreciate the ability to listen to music and to participate in conversation.  I am happy to be able to wash dishes and reply to email. I am collecting little moments of simple joy to balance the frustration at not being able to do more.  

And so, as I try to set a sustainable pace for this next lap, I am making efforts to spend more time resting and healing for the sake of rest and health rather than as preparation for greater and renewed  productivity. I have been learning (the hard way) that how I want to value things and how I actually value things do not always match when it comes to my own behaviour.  If I believe (and I do) that every person is inherently valuable, then I must believe that of myself as well (I don’t I’m working on it.) Consequently, I must watch how much I justify my value to myself by tying it to my work, or lack of it.    

I am putting a priority on writing. 

One of the first things that I did when I discovered I had a brain again was to complete a number of outstanding edits on a paper, brainstorm and flush out a new paper, and, surprising myself, the first notes for a book, which is part of a short series of books, also sprang out of my fingertips onto the page before I had to stop myself from overdoing it (I was too late.)

This was a clear indication to me that writing, something I have done little of outside of academics for the past 25 years, is still very important to me.  I have written or edited for at least 10 minutes (often longer) almost every day for the past couple of weeks.  I had forgotten how much I love the act of putting words down on paper.  Sometimes they’re good words, sometimes they are awful and cliched.  But, what I think I enjoy most about them all is that they are, for the brief period of time, my words.  And, until I share them with the world, the consequences of these words are only mine.  We can spend time together, change, invert, fight, love, and come to rest - all without any consequence or responsibility to anyone else.  A tempting place to get lost in, without a doubt, but also a place where I can rest and heal and play.  So, more writing of all sorts - academic, personal, fictitious, and frivolous!

Carol Anne’s and my 23rd wedding anniversary is only a couple of weeks away.  We were engaged for a little over 2 years before that, meaning that we have well completed our first quarter century together.  I am more in love with my wife now than when we got married. I love the marriage we’ve made together.  Despite all the challenges, difficulties, struggles, frustrations, set-backs, and disappointments, Carol Anne and I have fun together just by being together - now, still, and always.  There is no doubt in my mind that even if I could live life without her, I don’t want to.  I think we’ll just keep doing this instead.

Fourty-eight laps around the sun!  And, in that time I have contributed to the manifestation of 4 other human beings: Sam, Nathan, Kathleen, and Martin.  It is no secret that I had no desire to be a father.  Nonetheless, I have found myself to be a father to four remarkable and very different human beings, all of whom are now old enough to vote and to drink in most provinces.  I have thought a lot about my kids recently.  I’ve been thinking about how much being a father has changed not only what I thought I was going to do with my life, but how I live my life.  My perspective, since late 1993, has carried the weight of parenthood.  I have been a parent for nearly 30 years, and I cannot remember how I saw the world before that.  

Being a parent has made me a better person.  But, more than that, learning how to be a parent to my children - both the failures and and the successes - and learning from my children has made my life better.  Besides the fact that my kids are interesting, engaging, and kind (no small thing in itself,) my kids continually challenge me to move into the future with them.  It is a wonderful feeling to have my children not only want me around, but also want me to share, to some degree, in their world.

Somehow, somewhere among the 4 dozen laps I’ve completed so far I picked up an abiding, stubborn, and persistent belief in humanity.  I think we’re worth the effort.  I think we are worth the effort because I have seen that we, individually and collectively, can learn. Much of the evidence argues to the contrary - I know!  Nonetheless, find myself committed to human beings, and to the learning journey of human beings.  And so, whatever the next dozen laps have in store for me, I think I will still be involved in learning; and teaching; and education; and the conscious and deliberate evolution of human learning systems.  Some of this will involve writing and publishing.  Some of this will involve working directly with learners and teachers.  Some of this will involve just being. I’m excited!

If you have made it this far in this indulgent, quasi-reflective post, I hope it was worth it for you. This is the start of me putting words out there into the public world just to put them out there.  Thank you for reading them.

Please enjoy the picks of the bandana gang

Chai - pink

Jess - black

Mocha - red

Paddy - blue

[aamethyst000]

i didn't realize exacctly how slow my progress will be (july 9,24 - 10:56pm)

holy fuck i did not realize how slow my progress in life will be! it feels so weird to be 26. like, not only the progress of my name and gender change, im talking about my progress in life! the changes im gonna have, the hardships ill probably cry to. i thought teenage life was hard, no siree. the adult life is difficult. once the adults before you leave you alone to be independent and strong and whatnot, they all end up telling you how wrong you are and how you're living life wrong. one side is trying to control how you live, the other wants you to be dependant and independent and some how balance that out on your own. anyway, getting off track here. today i woke up feeling lazy but also feeling pretty good about myself! i actually wanted to clean the house and do the dishes without complaint! which is a rare thing for me since teenage hood. it can get pretty bad on most days. my little brother and i did the dishes today and a little bit of sweeping. i am planning on doing the rest of the house chores tomorrow and start on the towels that were supposed to be done last week. which kind of sucks that it is only me doing the laundry, but what the hell can i do when we got my mothers' brother staying and only doing his own laundry, a 17 who is overly cranky, yknow, normal teenager bs, hes gotta do his own laundry whether he likes it or not. and a mother whose arthiritis hurts her enire body and really bad insomnia. 10 year old me would be very surprised of where i am at right now and 14 year old me would be very confused.

july 11,24 - 11:16pm - just got through washing the dishes and cleaned up a bit in the living room. finally and now i have time to clean up my room and start washing the towels, we desparately need clean towels considering how hot the weather will be this week. you know the funny thing about this? i have stopped taking my anti depressants for nearly a month now! i think i only need to take them during the winter. they seem to work better by then, which is weird to me. anyway, now that i have more trans tapes, im going to wash the towels tomorrow and have a bath by the next day. my poor room has been a mess for too long now and it has been bugging me for a couple of days. doing this will help me feel better about buying myself a new 3ds and cases for it, being more prepared about taking care of it than i did the first time around. i ended up buying another black 3ds, kinda thought i wanted a white one but i ended up changing my mind part way through the search of the new 3ds. i found one for somewhat cheap that came up to 195 plus 10 shipping which was fckn awesome! i so cant wait till they arrive now. though they wont be here till the first week of next month. i know ill be impatient about it but that is not new at all lmao im impatient with every perchase i make, i just gotta keep myself distracted till the items get here.

july 18,24 3:43am - i am planning on rearranging my room to open up the air vent in my room. since i bought the 3ds, i feel like i need to ''earn''' when it finally arrives here, but i am hoping to god that it works for me or id cry. well, not really, i'd be sad about it but wouldnt do nothing about it until i have enough money to save again to buy another 3ds. hopefully it wont come to that at any point for me. anyway, as im typing this out, i am wathcing chuggaconnroy's lets play of kirby 3ds. i heard about his recent..situation, not happy to hear it and not sure how to feel, not entirely anyway. not gonna lie, it kind of sucks and nearly ruined my day. im better now, i heard about this a week ago, so im fine. i think. i havent been able to go to sleep at a reasonable time lately and it sucks. some nights i dont go to sleep until it is literally gets really bright outside (5am or 7am), i did not think id be slowly devolping insomnia at the age of 26. though, i shouldnt be too surprised considering the fact that my whole ass family has it and possibly autism or adhd. not gonna lie, my whole family is a mess. but they are my mess, i guess. you ever feel that way? they are not the best, toxic in their own way (the older ones, not my cousins), when it some down to it, they are there for you (until they sabotage that closeness during any death) they seem to have continued the generational trauma. i hope my cousins are doing alright, some if them have a kid or two, others are single or childless, but they all have a decent job that helps them keep their apartment. so, i hope they are doing well.

by this point, i have one more journal entry to edit and double check on, and a set of papers to look for in my room. i was supposed to mail it back to the place i was getting my legal (now dead)name to my current one, it is coming up to a year so that it is my own fault on that one, considering that all i needed to do was give them the signed papers that i have right now. well, i can do that now and be a bloody adult about it instead of putting it off for tomorrow, every single day. is it weird to still feel like a teenager (16-7) at the age of 26? should i go to therapy for this? is this normal or should i be worried? does every other adult feel like this? and not just me and my friends possibly being delusional or just dramatic about it. either way, i am not entirely sure if ill find the answer or if itll be given to me. i am going to have a puff and then head to bed, it is already very late so im gonna have a puff and enjoy whatever sleep i can get. good night/day, readers!

[1d1195]

I'm glad your weekend wasn’t horrible! Though please take some time to recharge! While nothing too bad may have happened, it can still be a lot of being around people! Cleaning is oddly relaxing for me too lol. What are you most excited to cook on your list of recipes?

I used to LOVE project runway when i was younger! Tbh I think I just loved any show that involved creating something like baking,cooking, and even home renovation stuff lol But ngl reality tv shows about dating/love stuff  is something that I can’t get into lol But I can see how you are more drawn towards scripted stuff though and I get it!

Kids are crazy! Sometimes it is wild how they cannot simply be kind or even understanding of others. I didn’t personally suffer from bullying but that doesn’t mean literally interacting with kids my age was easy. Anyways I'm sure giving them reminders is helping even if they may not appreciate it at the moment! Though I get that it can be so annoying because you're kind and it comes naturally to you!

That’s so sweet! And you’re so right about nicknames! Though I am never bold enough to give someone a nickname or use one unless they tell me too lol and yeah I dislike the brand for more reasons other than that obviously but my inner child loves holding grudge lol 

I LOVE when people give context or just share details lol im the same way too! Once I get on a topic I feel strongly for and/or once I'm comfortable with someone I YAP AWAY! But lowkey I miss silly little filler chapters in general! They remind me a lot of my early wattpad days when I was 12 HAHA But yes I do agree filler episodes are so underappreciated now! Especially how most shows don’t even go beyond 10 episodes per season now which I find kind of sad! 

Both of my classes meet twice a week, but both are 3 hours long :( And they both are live zoom sessions so that means that there is no recording happening. Which I totally get but 3 hours is alot 😭But you're right it is so much info 😭 Yeah lowkey my therapist said it wasn’t a good idea to do two summer sessions back to back but I need to graduate on time lol Also how is teaching summer classes goin? Are you almost done?

ALSO I CAN’T BELIEVE IT”S BEEN A YEAR SINCE PROTECTION😭

Hope you can get some rest and have a very calm rest of the week! You don’t have to thank me! Seriously talking to you is never a bother and I enjoy it so much! THANK YOU for constantly giving such thoughtful responses to not only me but everyone you interact with💗Wishing you to have the BEST week bestie!! Love you lots!-💜

My dumb son invited his friend over to stay with us for a couple days so now I'm hiding in my room. I have to pretend to be social and shit and it's the worst. I've barely recovered from my fam. I just want to be quiet and alone by myself 😭😭 No but tbh it's fine. I'm just dramatic. Cleaning was REALLY good actually. I've been trying to do some much needed stuff (like washing walls and baseboards. Very adult stuff lol) Maybe I'll do some more organizing and shit while his friend is here so I can hide and whatnot.

I made this ravioli dish that was really good. It was sort of alfredo-y and had spinach and sundried tomatoes. Honestly? I'm most excited to make these roasted veggies lol. Potatoes, carrots, zucchini hehehe

I liked the first few seasons of project runway but the premise got away from me (and the writers I think). I wish I got more into cooking shows. I do have a serious soft spot for Cake Boss tho 😂

I have this one student who said to me "she never gives up on me" and it honestly kind of melted my heart. She's a TOUGH kid. Like I'm lowkey afraid of her 😭😭 I'm glad she likes me because she's kinda cuckoo 🤣🤣 She has these massive angry blowups, not necessarily her fault because of mental health and undiagnosed ADHD but she doesn't always make the best decisions either. For some reason she listens to me. So I keep trying to help her even though she makes me INSANE. But the point of that was she's a mean girl tbh she struggles to stay out of drama (sometimes not her fault, but many times it is) anyway. She's a lot, can't wait for her to graduate.

An inner child grudge is like no other. I love it tbh. I have a grudge. My mom told me at like age 6 we hate Bank of America and I refuse to set foot in there lol so I totally get disliking the brand.

I can't say I'm surprised, we do send each other lengthy messages 😭 it would be a TIME if we met in person hahahahahaha we wouldn't stop talking for ages. It's CRAZY how there are no filler episodes and the seasons are SO short. So so so crazy.

OMG T W E L V E HOURS of zoom a week. That's so so long. I hope they give breaks. Honestly, this is going to sound super weird, but I think it's pretty cool that you didn't listen to your therapist about this. It's fairly low-stake and it's a lot but you have really good intentions of getting your classes done on time so you can be DONE and graduate. One of the things I'm worried about starting therapy is that I'll want to do it perfectly and I'll want my therapist to think I'm the best lol (can you tell I need it?) so I feel like I would be obligated to do EVERYTHING she tells me to (I want a she because I hate men most of the time lol) and I would overwhelm myself with that if that makes sense. So it's refreshing to know you don't have to listen to her; at least in this instant. Hopefully that all makes sense

One more week of summer school. They're going well. I'm worried some kids aren't going to pass. We offer some classes online and I'm concerned they aren't going to finish/pass. Which is so irritating. Because like, why show up for a month if you're not going to pass? I know there's deeper issues and more to it, but still. We make it PRETTY easy to pass...

I KNOW A WHOLE YEAR. IT'S LIKE OUR ANNIVERSARY TOO 😭😭💕

Hope your week gets easier too LOVE YOU

xoxo

[spacecadetspe]

Feb. 28, 2024

Dox came home with a fever. After spending several days in Muspelheim, Morpheus took it upon himself to bring his son home. The child was delirious for a couple days, moaning and groaning in pain. He saw something fierce and immense in the fires, and came home with a rash of iridescent spots.

I was able to reduce the inflammation and soothe his fever, and Dox confided in me that he had seen an astral guide there in the Forge. When he was well, we spoke more at length. Dream spirits don't have illnesses, per se; the rash, fever, and delirium were symptoms caused by the touch of that astral guide. And if I hadn't been present, the power could have completely consumed him. He acknowledged at last that he was not ready. The door he had been forced to open in the Forge showed him the entity he was set on becoming; a legendary hero... who attacked him on sight. He didn't know why he was so afraid of that being, or why it had attacked him.

"To a hammer, everything looks like nails," I said. "You have this idea that if you're afraid of something, you must conquer it. Odin and Epiales had that same idea. Look where it got them!" I sat on the edge of the bed with him. "The entity behind the door is what you stand to become if you continue in this way. Who exactly do you think he was leading?"

Dox hung his head. "No one."

I nodded. "If you rule by fear and by force, your opposition is much greater. People follow me because I protect them and value their opinions. They're not just tools I use to get stronger." I thought for a moment. "If you think yourself a leader, your skills are reflected in those who follow you."

After that, he was put in the kitchen, peeling potatoes and washing dishes. It's a slow, tedious job, but if he learns from it, he will move up. It just requires some patience.

In the mean time, I've been struggling with my own demons, so to speak. I've been trying to help several friends who are struggling with their lives, and I'm wearing myself down again.

I mentioned this to Phobetor, and he got rather upset at me. He sent me off to the infirmary with one of his siblings, and she held my hand through the visit. One of the doctors came in and informed me that I have financial trauma, and from then on I began to process.

I spent most of that day in tears. My processing went on through most of the day time; I kept digging up memories of things that had triggered me in the past, and how it affected my ability to function. The farther back we went, the more things made sense.

First was my trying to help a friend survive by sending her money. Wearing myself thin and worrying myself about finances.

Then was my issue with the realtor, combined with W's hospital expenses.

Then there was a time during my marriage when I couldn't afford to buy groceries because X bought a pair of expensive boots.

But the strangest one brought me all the way back to middle school, and the girls that bullied me. I went to a very strict Christian school for a time, and I was usually the top of my class, and very quiet. A remnant from my earlier trauma. So I was an easy target. They threatened to expose me, tell the whole school I was promiscuous, and blackmailed me to keep their silence.

When I asked where the trauma originally came from, the leader of the sequencers said I already knew. I'm not sure if that's innate knowledge or active memory. Either way, it irritates me that I can't recall the initial trauma, and no one will tell me.

Phantasos took me to see the daydream spirits, who live in a swampy area a day's sail from the archipelago. They're the only dream spirits who are strictly diurnal. They've taken in one of the Graces, Talia, Pasithea's sister. We had a nice evening with her, and settled in to make music.

Since then, I've been trying to stay conscious of the effort I expend. The morning after my doctor's visit, I saw Phobetor sitting on the edge of the bed. I told him I needed to go back to Muspelheim, and he snapped at me.

"You're not going anywhere."

I said nothing for quite a while. I knew how upset he was, to issue a command at me like that. And I listened. I felt bad about not listening. But pushing myself until I broke felt worse. I couldn't justify doing that again. I have people who care deeply for me, and I should listen to them.

I do too much. I try to care for too many people, and I wind up not being able to care for myself.

He has watched me, on and off, for a few days now. He is careful not to get too close. Maybe because he is still upset, or because he simply needs a bit of emotional distance so he can help me with this. Either way, I don't blame him.

Fortitude asked me if I was sure I could go to work today. I was sure, but I'm still quite tired. I'm still processing my dreams from the last few days, and that takes more energy.

When will I learn not to overwork myself?

[nsk96]

Personal rant:

I know I've been doing quite a bit of these rants often, but I can't keep a physical diary and doing these rants here will allow me to easily send these to my future therapist (about that, my mom doesn't want me seeing one until I get a job, as if they will have access to my personal medical records just like that. Even if they manage to access them, all they are gonna see is how effed up my dad and mom are...maybe that's why she doesn't want me to see one. She was opposed to the idea since the first time I brought it up. She agreed to let me see one a few months ago but I didn't get a chance to arrange an appointment because of my hospital IPPE rotation. Now she is opposed to it again and I have to wonder why I have to keep explaining to her how it's not going to affect my future jobs)

Anyways, back to the actual rant. Every time I decide to stay home to study on the weekend, I regret it. I focus so much better at the school library in the study rooms. The problem is that the school is at least 30 minutes away, which means with a good amount of traffic, it can take me 40 minutes or even nearly an hour to get there. But honestly, I feel like it's worth it. My mom keeps trying to convince me to stay home, saying that the drive is a waste of time. If I can't focus at home, aren't I wasting even more time then?

Today, my dad is pretending to be pissed and that my mom has to buy a new toaster oven because ours has become a fire hazard after using it for about 5 years (maybe more I don't recall when we bought it). Anyways, he's always blaming her for spending too much money. My mom often says, "I have to buy stuff for the house" which translates to "food, snacks, juice/water, paper plates (because my dad complains about having to do dishes even though it's the only household chore he's responsible for), napkins, toilet paper, paper towel, cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, etc." Literally things we need. This is what happens when one person in the marriage is responsible for all of the grocery shopping for 30+ years. The other person in the marriage forgets how expensive it is to live and only sees what's coming in. They don't see how much things actually cost.

Either that, or he's just using this as a thing to complain to his family about to turn them against my mom, like he always does. It is very apparent that he talks shit about her to them, because my aunt (his sister) when she came to visit had to audacity to tell my mom that she should be doing everything in the house because she was the one who wanted this house. My mom corrected her and said, "I wanted to move into a retirement home." My aunt was shocked and said, "then who wanted this house?" My mom gestured at my dad and said, "him."

Because he's pissed off today, he's slamming doors as he goes in and out of the house. He's turning on the water really hard while he washes his turkey-frying pot, and he's clanking dishes. He's definitely doing all this on purpose, he knows I'm trying to study and that I need quite to do so. How I know he's doing this on purpose? I've seen him do these things much quieter when I wasn't studying.

Just about 30 minutes ago, I put a couple of Jamaican chicken patties to bake, one for him and one for me. I got mine when it was done and told him the second one was for him. He ignored me (he was less than 3 feet away. There's no way he didn't hear me). I repeated myself and even said, "Did you hear me?". He ignored me again. He does this to my mom all the time. I scoffed and said as a joke, "I guess it's mine now." I still left it in there because I know he'll complain or talk shit to his family or our neighbor, Otto (and I know he talks shit to him because Otto had the audacity the other day to tell me "help your dad" and said "don't tell [my mom] that I said that, she might make me do the dishes".

Realistically, I shouldn't be eating both if I intend on keep up my weight loss progress anyways. I don't know if he will eat it, because he likes to put on these tantrums so he can get away with watching tv all day or literally doing nothing all day. But I do know, that once I leave it out there with him, I won't be able to eat it later without running the risk of getting horribly sick from it (because you know what he likes to do to our food). Just watch, later he will be like, "I don't feel like eating it. You can have it." It's happened many times before.

Honestly, I'm tired. I can't study, I'm nearly failing my classes because of it. He's still out there making noise on purpose. I hate this shit. I want to move out but now I know I don't have my mom's support and she expressed that she doesn't want me to move out. And now she's holding on even tighter. The other day after my health fair I wanted to stay at school to study but my mom begged me that morning to come home after the health fair all because she "dreamt that trouble was coming". Turns out the trouble was actually at the health fair, and I missed out on time to study because once again, I can't focus at home. I'm pretty sure now, that I have ADHD and being home makes things worse. It's been like this my whole life and I feel like it's gotten worse as I get older. I'm tired

Update: My mom came home after spending hours outside trying to find a toaster oven. They didn't have any suitable ones at our usual store so she went to another store. By suitable, I mean they were either too small or too big, or the type that overheats on the outside making it a potential fire hazard. She settled on one that is both a toaster oven and air fryer that costed a little over $100. My dad now wants to be upset that she spent that much on a toaster oven. I asked, "then why didn't you go with her?" His response "it doesn't matter what I say, she won't listen to me." Maybe if you spoke to her like she is a human being, she would listen to you. Maybe if you didn't ignore her all the time or talk down to her with disrespect, maybe she'd value your opinion. He's now looking online for a toaster oven and going, "look this one is just $88." Dude! Why didn't you look this shit up before she left? You knew since last night, approximately 17 hours ago that we needed a new toaster oven. But no, you want to b*tch about the purchase to make her feel like shit while you get to enjoy using the product right? Because you can't give her credit for anything...like usual. This is what happens when she lets you take credit for things she does just to boost you up in front of other people. Now you weaponize everything against her and use it as fuel to turn your family against her, our neighbors against her, and your coworkers against her (you don't want to know how he talks to her in front of his coworkers).

[reswhocareswhocareswhoca]

me being massively depressing under the cut

No one follows me anyway, so it doesn't matter what I say here. Nothing I do really matters anyway. I can wash the dishes, but they still pile up. I can do the laundry, but it still piles up. I can cook one day and starve the next because there's no food. And I can't just go out and buy more food or get creative in the kitchen and make a meal with what I have. I'm too disabled for that. It's a miracle when I can cook at all. Consistency is a pipe dream.

For the past three weeks, I've really been struggling to move. My FND has been really bad lately, which is heartbreaking because I was actually on kind of a good streak up until this relapse. I feel powerless. I have no idea how to help myself. I'm trying so hard to keep my spirits up but my heart is faltering.

The bathroom smells really bad and I don't know why because it's visibly clean but I'm too worn out to do anything about it, so even though I'm in the living room it still smells like shit and it has smelled like shit for days. My boyfriend doesn't smell anything though, and he has a wicked sense of smell. He usually smells things I can't smell at all, and if it is something I can smell, he can smell it much sooner than I can. But he doesn't smell the foul odor coming from the bathroom. I can't even go in there it's so bad.

I feel hopeless. Practicing crocheting was nice but now I'm out of yarn. I didn't want to order any because I wanted to actually physically go to the store for once to support brick and mortar stores but I think I'm just going to have to get it delivered. It is so rare that I'm in good enough shape to drive. I can drive maybe a couple of times a week, and only if it's sunny. My FND is so bad on gloomy days, and this has been a very gloomy winter. Also, I never drive farther than 10 minutes away, and the craft store is about 20-30 min away. It's an undertaking.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could turn back time and manage my mental health from a young age so that I wouldn't get this stupid crap now. I know the cause of FND is unknown but it's correlated with stress and I suspect that's how I ended up like this. There's no way to know for sure, but this is what I suspect. I also kind of suspect COVID, I've seen quite a few headlines and articles regarding the relationship between COVID and FND, but honestly trying to read them upsets me so much that my condition flares so I can't really do it myself. Besides, I got FND months after receiving my vaccines. And I got COVID in 2021. And who knows? I could have had it more than that one time but stayed asymptomatic. I'm trying not to blame myself for opting to get the vaccine. I'm trying to tell myself that I was just trying to do my best with the information that I had, and that I got COVID anyways, so there's nothing that I truly could have done to prevent the FND onset anyway. If COVID is even the reason why I got FND anyways. Who knows what caused this? No one knows what caused this.

No one knows how to fix it either. I got my diagnosis and the neurologist just said there's nothing to do. I'm just stuck like this. I can't live. I don't even know what my options are. Should I go live in some in-patient facility somewhere? Should I go to another clueless therapist like I have five times before? I hate therapy. I hate it so much. It's the first solution people shove down your throat when you struggle with your mood and it's total bullshit I am convinced. I have been to five separate therapists and I swear it's nothing more than a venting session. I can vent to my mom. I can vent to my cat. I can vent into my journal. I can vent here. I have plenty of places to vent. Any question they ask is a question I've already asked my myself. It's such a waste of money I can't stand it. But apparently that bull is my only option and honestly, I'm not having any of it. Any improvement I have seen in my life happened when I WASN'T in therapy. Therapy is completely irrelevant. And way too damn expensive. Venting isn't enough. And I don't have a job anymore, so I'm definitely not paying for that crap now.

I don't know what to do. I'm a burden on my boyfriend. He is the biggest sweetheart in the whole world. When I'm doing bad (which has been most of the time, lately), he's the one who cooks, he's the one who cleans, he helps me shower, he helps me get dressed, he helps grab things for me when I can't go get them myself, he makes me smile and laugh on my worst days. He is my everything and I don't deserve him. He does all of this after breaking his back at his manual labor job every day and I don't deserve him. I don't have any friends. My mom is six hours away. My dad (also 6 hours away) means well but has zero emotional intelligence (okay, I should be fair, maybe like 40%), and he doesn't address my FND at all. Just pretends it's not there. I feel invisible. Nothing matters. What's the point of me being here at all? Just to be a weight on the shoulders of everyone I love? They don't deserve that. But I can't leave them out of "mercy" because I would break their hearts and mess them up for a long time. They tell me to be strong and fight through it. But how?! FND has no rules! No order! No rhyme or reason! How do you fight an invisible opponent who's playing a game no one has ever heard of before! One day, working out helps the condition. The next day, it makes it ten times worse. One day, forcing myself to complete tasks around the house works. The next, moving around is completely impossible. How do I fight something when I'm completely nerfed and the opponent makes its own rules? I feel betrayed.

I don't know what else to say. I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of my emotion, but I don't know what to say. I can't take feeling like this anymore. There's no way out. I'm losing my mind trying to stay calm and stay positive. I can't handle feeling alone anymore but I'm in no place to reach out to people. My misery has consumed my whole life. Any conversation topic someone could hope to have with me will be marred my FND's presence. "Oh, what do you do?" I stay at home. "What do you do in your free time?" Suffer. Okay, maybe I'm not that blunt. I do try to elegantly dance around these questions saying things like "Oh I just passed my state exams and am waiting on my license," or "I enjoy reading." But as the conversation unfolds there always comes a point where I must decide if I want to hide my FND or not. Every time I have to weigh that question in my mind, it hurts. It hurts feeling like something that has consumed my whole world will turn me into a pathetic freak in other people's eyes. But simultaneously, I feel like a faker! Like my FND "isn't that bad". I don't use a cane! I don't use a wheelchair! I don't have double vision! I can talk just fine if I'm not struck temporarily mute like I am sometimes! Hell, I can drive! I can work out at the gym! I can cook! I passed nail tech school and exams with this condition! Clearly I'm just being dramatic! Clearly it's all in my fucking head!!!!!

There's no consistency. How can one live without consistency? It's been taken away. I've been robbed.

I really want to go upstairs it smells like sewage down here but I can't move. I wish I could have some water but I'm out and I can't move. I wish I could make myself some oatmeal like I do most mornings but I can't move. I wish I could go to the library and pick up the book I have on hold but I can't move. What room is there for someone like me on Earth! Can't be a productive member of society? The sooner you die, the better. But I'm not dead. I'm too stubborn for that.

I try to meditate. Maybe if I remove myself from the ups and downs of life. Remove my ego. Become the river. Maybe then I can find peace. But I can't meditate, it triggers the FND. That's the whole point of doing yoga anyway, to make the body well enough to handle stillness and meditation. Apparently you can't truly meditate until you've mastered asana anyway. So they say.

Maybe I should get into writing. I don't have to worry about running out of yarn that way. But my mind stalls and my ideas are non-existent. I can't write what isn't there.

I feel hopeless.

[shawtuzi]

Our Favorite Girl

i haven't been seeing enough fics with tengen AND the wives so you already know i had to make one myself for the girls so pls enjoy. 

minors dni obvi 18+ content warnings include: fem!reader, polyship, a whole bunch of praise, oral (female receiving), soft!dom tengen, barely any plot i went straight for the smut lol// word count 2.7k+ (if i missed any warnings so sorry)

It started off as a normal job it really did! You were simply a maid for a nice gentleman and his even nicer wives. Yes wives plural. It was a little odd at first but after a couple times being at their house you began to be intrigued by the way they interacted with each other. The wives are all extremely nice and caring about your wellbeing insisting that you work too hard when actually it seemed to be the opposite.

Whenever you broke  the slightest sweat scrubbing the floors Makio would get on her knees and help you, eventually in the process telling you to take a break while she did the rest. While you would be doing the dishes Suma would stop by shyly asking if she can help you, and of course you couldn’t say no so you gave her the job of drying while you washed. Trying to do any job in front of Hinatsuru was pointless. She used to be like Makio helping you then insist you take a break but now she would just simply do it herself. Tengen never disturbed you while you worked but every night when he bid you farewell he would always whisper a soft, “you’re too good to us truly…see you tomorrow Y/N.”

Today was no different. You were cleaning the pool while the three wives were sunbathing practically begging that you ditch the work and soak up the warm sun with them. “C’monnn Y/N we wanna hangout with you” Suma pouted sitting up straight her breasts bouncing lightly as she did so. You gulped looking at her perfect body shaking your head, “I-I really shouldn’t don’t you guys wanna go swimming in a nice clean pool?” you asked while skimming the water. Makio was the next to get up, she walked over to the pool and pushed her sunglasses up  inspecting the pool. “Looks good to me” she smirked turning her head to the other wives, “guys wanna get in the water feels amazing” she yelled, swishing her foot around in the water.

“That sounds like an amazing idea,” Hinatsuru smiled. Getting up she grabbed Suma’s hand bringing her over, “Y/N you should join us we don’t want you to overheat now do we?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow. “No we don’t and she’s already wearing a swimsuit!” Suma piped up hearts practically appearing in her eyes looking at you in your bikini and jean shorts with the button and zipper undone. “C’mon Y/N pleaseee” Suma pouted, giving you those doe eyes you can’t resist. You sighed a small smile coming onto your face, “I mean I guess it is beautiful today.” The wives broke into beaming smiles all getting into the water.

You got in immediately covering yourself with your arms. They were all so damn beautiful and perfectly in shape. Don’t even get me started with Uzui. “Don’t cover yourself love, you’re beautiful” Hinatsuru frowned, pulling your hands away “very beautiful… does your boyfriend ever tell you how beautiful you are?” she asked, referring to your now ex. “Uh we actually broke up” you mumbled, swirling your fingers around in the water.

“Ohh no Y/N what happened?!” Suma cried swimming over to you wrapping her arms around you tightly, she nuzzled her head into your neck and you couldn’t help but feel a warmness in your chest at the affection. Suma pulled away but moved her hands down to your waist keeping a slight grip. “Yes what happened honey” Makio frowned coming over as well, she tucked a strand of hair behind your ear making you shiver. All three women were huddled around you with frowns and sad eyes.

“He wanted me to quit my job here… kept saying I spent too much time here” the three of them in sync raised their eyebrows, looks of disgust washing over their once saddened faces. Before they could interject you spoke again, “it was either quit the job or break up and it looks like I made the right choice. You guys and Uzui care more about me than him” you said, making them break into smiles. “It’s true Y/N! It’s true we care about you so much” Suma spoke and the other wives agreed nodding their heads.

“We really do. Especially our husband, he may not say much in front of you but just know you hold a place in all our hearts” Hinatsuru whispered, rubbing soothing circles on your back, toying with the strings of your bikini every once in a while. “Mhm you’re way more than just a maid to us Y/N, right guys?” Makio spoke not taking her eyes off of you.

The atmosphere was completely different now. It went from a comforting environment to there being tinges of sexual tension in air growing thicker by the second. “I-I care about you guys too and Tengen…so much thank y-” before you could finish your sentence Suma pressed her soft lips against yours making you gasp in surprise. She took the opportunity to shove her tongue in your mouth.

“Sorry about that, you know how Suma can be, she can’t help herself when she wants something” Hinatsuru laughed moving her body behind yours, she brought her hands to your breasts massaging them gently making you moan. “It’s true it's too cute” Makio giggled, pressing a kiss to the side of Suma’s head before bringing her attention to you. She left kisses up and down the side of your neck toying with the waistband of your bikini. “Do you want to go inside? I’m sure it’d be more comfortable” she whispered in your ear nibbling on the lobe. You nodded your head dumbly too distracted in Suma’s sweet kisses.

Fast forward to when they take you to their gigantic master bedroom. You sat on the bed and they made quick work ridding you of your bikini. Makio came behind you untying your top while Suma pulled down your bikini but the sight of your bare chest made her stop in her tracks stopping midthigh. “Oh wow Y/N they’re so pretty” she said bringing her hand up to your right tit brushing her thumb over your nipple. Seconds later she attached her mouth to it, swirling her tongue around your nipple. Suma pulled your bottoms down the rest of the way, once they were off she released your nipple with a lewd ‘pop’.

“Go on, spread your legs darling” Hinatsuru said, kneeling next to Suma. The look she gave you could’ve made you cum right then and there but you held it together slowly spreading your legs making Suma gasp. “O-oh! Y/N your pussy is so pretty isn't it Hinatsuru?” she squealed pressing kisses on the insides of your thighs. “Mhm it is baby” she whispered licking her lips at the sight of your soaked pussy. “May I?” she asked not taking her eyes off your pussy. You nodded slowly, your eyes fluttering shut when you felt Makio leave wet kisses on your neck. She gave you a small smile before licking a stripe up your cunt moaning at the taste of you.

“Mmm she tastes so good here Suma taste” Hinatsuru brought her hand behind Sumas’s neck bringing her in for a sloppy kiss. Hinatsuru pulled away a line of spit connecting their lips, “tastes good yeah?” she whispered and Suma breathlessly nodded, licking her lips. “C-can I have some more?” she asked, bringing her eyes to your dripping pussy. Hinatsuru nodded a smirk coming onto her face, “of course you can baby go ahead.” She pushed Suma’s head gently towards your pussy and Suma wasted no time wrapping her lips around your clit.

You let out a broken moan resting your head back on Makio’s shoulder. “Feel good Y/N?” Makio whispered in your ear leaving gentle kisses on it. “Y-yes oh-!” you squealed out when you felt fingers prod at your entrance. You looked down and saw Hinatsuru spreading your legs open even more, her fingers slowly pushing into you as Suma continued to lap and suck at your clit.

Little did you all know Uzui was leaning against the door taking it the scene before him. It was really a sight to behold. Makio was kissing and sucking at your neck leaving little hickeys as she did so, meanwhile Suma and Hinatsuru were kneeling on the ground playing with your pussy. Suma was licking at your pussy moaning at the taste and Hinatsuru was pushing her fingers in and out of you at a quick pace while rubbing Suma’s clit through her bikini bottoms. And you…

You looked completely blissed out. Your eyes were clenched shut and you hands were fisting the covers beneath you while grinding your hips against Suma’s tongue and Hinatsuru’s fingers.

“I-I’m gonna cum” you whimpered your legs starting to shake from all the pleasure you were receiving. Being the sadist he was, Tengen decided to step in the room ruining your almost perfect orgasm. “Well what do we have here?” he chuckled, taking slow strides towards the bed. “Suma got excited and kissed the girl” Makio giggled, pinching your nipples making you gasp. “My poor baby can never help herself can she?” he smirked, running his fingers gently through Suma’s hair before gripping it roughly pulling her back, “can you?”

“N-no I can’t” she whimpered, making Tengen’s smirk a little wider. “Oh leave her be Uzui, if anything we should be thanking her” Hinatsuru cooed pressing a kiss to Suma’s shoulder. “Now let her get back to what she was doing, poor Y/N was about to cum” she said, dragging her middle and ring finger between your folds. Tengen complied, releasing his grip on Suma’s hair, as soon as he did Suma returned to her place between your thighs licking up your wetness.

Between the wives toying with your body and Tengen’s hard stare you were cumming within minutes your thighs shaking at the intensity. Uzui hummed bringing his hand to your face to caress it lightly, “do my wives make you feel good Y/N?” he questioned brushing his thumb over your bottom lip before shoving it in your mouth. You moaned around his finger nodding slowly. “Would you ladies mind if I joined you?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow. “Yes of course you can!” Suma beamed standing up making quick work to undo his tie and buttoned down shirt. Hinatsuru joined in removing his suit jacket while Makio got on her knees undoing his belt, “my babies are always so helpful” he cooed, pressing a kiss to Hinatsuru’s lips while Suma pressed desperate kisses on his neck.

Makio pulled down his slacks and briefs allowing his already hard cock to be set free. “How long were you watching us perv?” Makio giggled, stroking his cock slowly. He groaned licking his lips, “not long but can you blame me?” he chuckled, patting her on the head. You watched them like you were in a trance rubbing your thighs together to ease the aching between your legs. “Y/N?” you heard Uzui speak up and you quickly brought your attention to him. “I want you to ride me” he bluntly said, making you gulp.

Fast forward once more to you straddling Tengen’s stomach as you hovered above his cock the three wives undressed as well. “It’s okay love we got you” Makio whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. You took a deep breath as you lowered yourself onto him, whimpering at the stinging stretch of him practically splitting you open. “Good girl” Makio giggled, gripping your chin between her fingers and pressed a loving kiss to your lips, “now can you keep being our good girl and make our husband feel good?” she mumbled against your lips and you nodded, grinding your pussy against Tengen making him groan.

Your slow grinding turned into frantic bouncing as you rode Uzui like your life depended on it. Hinatsuru took this as an opportunity to sit on Tengen’s face and he wasted no time licking and slurping at her cunt. “Mmm T-Tengen” she whimpered, finding balance on his hard chest. While the three of you were tangled up in each other Makio had Suma on all fours eating her pussy from the back like a woman starved. You looked over at Makio and bit your lip seeing her wet pussy on display begging to be touched.

You took it upon yourself to slip a finger into her pussy making her moan loudly into Suma’s pussy. “S-so wet” you muttered, sliding another finger in. Uzui wrapped his muscly arms tightly around Hinatsuru’s thighs before bucking into you roughly. “O-oh my gosh” you whimpered, squeezing your eyes shut but not once stopping your quick movements on Makio’s sopping pussy. Hinatsuru pulled you in for a kiss, shoving her tongue in your mouth without warning. The sounds in the room were downright disgusting but it was music to Tengen’s ears hearing his girls feel good.

With the way you were riding his dick he was fighting the urge to put a ring on your finger right then and there. “M’gonna cum” Hinatsuru whimpered against your lips grinding her pussy harder onto Tengen’s face practically suffocating the man. It wasn’t long before she was cumming all over his face, your orgasm soon following along. “Fuuuck” Uzui groaned, feeling you cum all over his cock, your wetness dripping down his balls. He lifted Hinatsuru off his face with ease, licking his lips “tastes amazing as always angel” he smirked winking up at her making her face flush.

“Suma baby come sit on daddy’s dick” he rasped slowly lifting you off of his cock and onto his face. Before he dove him he craned his neck to the other two women, “Hinatsuru take care of Makio my poor baby’s pussy has been neglected for too long.” Hinatsuru nodded obediently before laying next to Uzui she smiled at Makio, “on my face love.” Makio quickly crawled up her chest lowering her pussy onto Hinatsuru’s face, immediately moaning loudly when she felt Hinatsuru wrap her lips around her clit.

“That’s my girl’s” he smirked before bringing his attention to you burying his head in your pussy. He groaned when he felt Suma’s pussy on him, the vibrations making you shiver. “O-oh Uzui feels so good love you so much” Suma whimpered, bringing her hands to your shoulders for balance. “Love you more baby. Love all of you so fucking much even you Y/N wanna make you my wife” he grunted bucking his hips into Suma making her squeal. “Please marry her daddy she’s so fun we l-love her” Makio moaned, threading her fingers into Hinatsuru’s soft hair.

You gasped when you felt Uzui suckle at your clit making your thighs shake, “y-yes wanna be your guys’ wife please make me your wife” you whimpered feeling your orgasm approach. Your words made each of them moan. The effect you had on them was crazy. It wasn’t long before Suma was cumming all over Tengen’s cock with a loud moan almost collapsing from pleasure. Makio and you followed suit cumming all over Hinatsuru and Uzui’s faces soaking them from the nose down.

“F-fuck I’m gonna cum you all know what to do” he rasped making them all squeal. “C’mon Y/N this is our favorite part!” Suma smiled as she got on her knees along with the other wives sticking their tongues out. You quickly followed behind doing the same as them while Tengen stood up aggressively jerking his painfully hard cock. He was cumming seconds making sure each of you had a taste. “Before you swallow I wanna do something” he said before quickly searching for his phone and taking a picture of the beautiful sight before him.

“Swallow” was all he said and you all quickly obeyed, making him smile. “My perfect girls, let’s get into bed Y/N will be staying with us tonight if that’s okay with her of course” he said, making you smile. You nodded quickly following the other wives into the bed. Uzui was in the middle with his arms stretched out and you snuggled into his side while Suma nuzzled her way into the other. Hinatsuru wrapped her arms around Suma while Makio wrapped her arms around you leaving a small kiss on your shoulder.

“Sleep tight angels, I love you all so much.”

<3

[ego-meliorem-esse]

Some HCs - Arthur Kirkland

It seems I am unable to draw anything these days. It's either a bad case of artist block or any slight skill I had in the drawing department has vanished into thin air. Someone send either an ambulance or Francis ( so I can hit him with my car to calm myself down)

Until then here are some hcs for our favourite pater familias:

Arthur has a hard time falling asleep and has constant insomnia episodes. He's used to them by now and doesn't try to force himself to sleep when he realizes he can't. The one thing he can't do during his no-sleep nights is read. He browses the internet, checks out his kids social media updates, and even sends a text to Francis or Gil in the hopes of waking them up and being a general petty menace. He does everything but read books as they strain his eyes.

He might be the grumpy rat we all know, but he is incredible with children. He doesn't talk to them as many people do with children: childish and condescendingly, but like an adult speaking to an equally intelligent human being. Also, Arthur can make up stories on the spot that will intrigue even the most well-read intellectual and equally bring the most unruly child to sleep. His imagination is something he keeps almost completely to himself though. Least someone might find out he is not completely the stoic, stiff upper-lip kind of person he wants to be portrayed as. Though children are the only people that get to experience his creative, imaginative, and story-telling side. His children had quite the bedtime stories. Especially Alfred.

Trash telly is one of his weaknesses. When the work is done, the dishes are washed, and the paperwork is finished, Arthur will most definitely turn on the news and pretend that's what he is interested in on the tv. When in reality he waits a couple of minutes to switch to some Love Island, Geordie Shore, 22 Kids, and Counting, or even Funniest royal Cock-ups.

Arthur doesn't like being in pictures taken by others. Be it not liking how he looks in them or simply not liking when he's not the one in control of taking pictures but he simply hates being in photographs taken by other people. One can imagine this is just a part of Arthur's controlling side coming out.

When it comes to his kids, Arthur is constantly worried. He of course doesn't show it (the beforementioned stiff upper lip kind of attitude) yet when there is real trouble or he can sense something is amiss, he will do his best to drop his indifferent demeanor to help his child as best as he can without being too emotional. He doesn't admit it to anyone and especially not to himself but seeing his kids hurt or unwell is the one biggest fear he has. This feeling in him conflicts with him being a country and having to put his own people and government before anyone else. He is a past empire and empathy doesn't come easy to him. Yet here he is wondering if Matthew ate his lunch after the meeting or if Alfred got into trouble again with his officials over some tweets. As much of an emotionless bastard as he is and as much of a country as he is, he is family oriented and his kids mean the world to him.

While on the topic of his kids, Alfred is the absolute favourite child, the crown prince, and the firstborn son of the family. Al gets some privileges that his siblings do not. Arthur is especially worried and distressed when Al is in trouble or is hurt. More so than any of his other children. There is some jealousy/envy from the rest due to this of course. More on that in Alfred's hcs.

On a lighter note, Arthur lost his car in a shopping mall parking lot almost a dozen times now.

Also, he refuses to get rid of his 2006 silver Renault Clio. He has a newer car but uses it only for business and when driving longer distances. Matthew is worried the old vehicle will die any day now on the road and keeps urging his father to buy a new car.

Arthur is secretly a big fan of Neil Gaiman and his works but keeps that to himself.

He has an instagram account where he posts pictures of his garden, his book choice of the week, and his kids. The beforementioned kids are not happy with the pictures their father chooses to post on his account. Zee has blocked him.

Arthur buys candles all the time. Any smell, any aroma. And just keeps them in a drawer. He saw an ad for candles online once and now it's something he impulse buys at the grocery store.

These days he has the energy of a divorced housewife with an elderly dog