#i keep circling back to the thought
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i can't start my morning with yet another cheeky cry come on now
#life#me @ my brain: be so for real right now#i just have so many thoughts and they all cross each other and make this intricate web of misery#and i feel so... ass#i'm tired of being mentally ill i'm tired of being a fucking weirdo#i'm tired of feeling like i don't belong or don't fit in#i'm tired of watching people have a good time from the sidelines like some creep#i keep circling back to the thought#that maybe if i was diagnosed earlier in my life.. i would've been better#that i would've had tools to deal with everything that i would've known it's not some personal moral failing#i wouldn't have blamed myself for everything all the time#i wouldn't have tortured myself wondering what was i doing wrong why people didn’t like me#and even with that my mind's all “well maybe your mother was protecting you!”#because maybe she didn't want someone to slap a label that would define me for the rest of my life#that would be the first thing people would know before they even had the chance to know me#and i feel so damn conflicted#but it hurts it hurts not every day but on days like this#it hurts somewhere deep in my heart and i can't shake it#i just have to wait it out fam#therapy is literally in a week i'm uh 🤠🔫
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mourning black and the death of ideals
#i haven't moved on from this yet. btw. i'm still here#finally decided to draw the thought i've been ruminating over for days on end bc it's like a parasite eating away my brain#stated this on the initial post i made days ago but there's just smt so gut wrenching and sickening#about how dazai will have worn black exactly twice in his life: once as a member of the mafia and now at kunikida's funeral#a color that initially signified devotion to the mafia and his demon prodigy alias now signifies his grief#him having to wear black again at the funeral of another doomed fatalist who chose his heart over his survival. his own partner.#kunikida's death being so reminiscent of the tragedy that initially caused him to defect and flee#and everything tying together full circle and effectively breaking him#asagiri rly said fuck knkdz it's doppover we lost gang 😭😭😭#why did bro leave that fucking notebook behind#fool. do you know that angst potential you have left me to work with?#love never won in bsd. it lay dead and festering#i don't know how much longer i can keep saying i miss them. i'm going to kill myself if he doesn't come back#i've never wanted something to be death bait so desperately#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#kunikidazai#knkdz#kunizai#(??? technically. its implied anyway)#lotus draws
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haunting the narrative -> haunted by the narrative -> haunting the narrative -> haunted by
#adventure time#fionna and cake#simon petrikov#betty grof#petrigrof#fan art#fanart#art#digital art#my art#just a lil something something i did for fun#adventure time has always been the show that makes me want to draw (i have SO many AT drawings from 2015 it's ridiculous)#but now I'm coming back to that ye olde passion with new digital art skills and many more evil tragic thoughts (thank you fionna and cake🙏)#i couldn't get the thought about them haunting and be haunted by the narrative out of my head so I had to make some art for it#the caption for this was almost: so who wears the haunted by the narrative in the relationship?#they take turns of course because damn these guys really do be having that tragic romance huh. hot potato cursed existence#never quite on the same wavelength. always out of reach. their love the very thing that dooms them to be apart. a love defined by absences#like two ships in the night passing each other by. except they keep trying to seek the other out. and so end up going in circles#the tragic dance of madness and sadness. lead on and i shall follow. ....so anyway...these two amiright?#/might/ have to write something at some point...maybe...#because like... ghosts are my thing. and these two...well. even when they aren't haunting the narrative they are still ghosts#never let themselves live in the present and okay I'm going to stop now. enjoy the art byeeeee#...AND they'll never be at peace because they'll always be reaching for a version of each other that no longer exists and—#(i am dragged kicking and screaming from the room before i can devolve into a full blown meta)
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studies from the finale
#nicholas d wolfwood#meryl stryfe#trigun#trigun stampede#honestly the grand highlight.#anyway i think i ... drained all my thoughts of ep12 on saturday. i was like... all day drawing stuff for that episode and then circling#those thoughts but mainly#im just excited for season 2. im so so excited for s2. AND IM EXCITED FOR.. all of the steady appearance of trimax stuff again#like when they recited quote to quote of vash and knives conversation when they were on their way up to space#the i'll keep running and after 150 years this is what you have to say godddddd#GODDDDDD i felt so much in that moment. GODDDDDDD#IM REALLY EXCITED... because i dont know what to necessarily expect from s2 too. there is a LOT of setup that happened in s1 and it#will fundamentally change how we view the characters and their relationships to one another i think? especially the main trio and#and and and and MILLLLYYYYYYYY GAHHHHHHHH IM SO EXCITED FOR HER!!! MILLY!!!!!! we all knew she was coming back. it was only natural.#i really hope they keep as Much as they can from the original design. ESPECIALLY HER PERSONALITY. god. do not take away her personality. and#do not take away her bigness i will CRY. but overall im happy the og 4 are going to be back and theyll be closer than before bc of all they#experienced together.... and ahhhh everything with knives... vash and his eriks arc....#im rambling again but there's obviously a lot of hype there...eughh eughehu i love trigun so much i love love love love trigun#ruporas art
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MDZS x Warrior Cats AU (part 1): That boy can meow!
Names and a huge inspiration credits to @clintbeefwoods!
(part 2)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mdzs au#mdzs warrior cats au#wei wuxian#mo xuanyu#little apple#lan wangji#lan wunian#If you thought for a second I wouldn't find a way to keep littlewang in this au#then you have severely underestimated my horse yuri powers.#The start of the Warrior cats AU begins! Yes the clans are somewhat the same but the lore *has* shifted to better suit mdzs canon.#For one: Cross clan apprentice training is an option. Gusu school arc is still a school arc.#wwx would have a blast pouncing on lwj's Too Long Tail He Has Yet To Grow Into.#(Its very important to me that lwj/bluepaw has those kittenish big ears).#I will probably circle back to drawing teenxian apprentice antics after I get through the cast.#I had to put myself into a cat drawing boot camp for this AU (despite my sona being a cat I...actually don't really know how to draw one).#and I feel like I learned a lot + need a lot more practice...however this *is* the practice! It's for fun!#I'll be alternating comics and AU stuff this month! happy chatember!#Clintbeefwoods has put a ton of work into this AU and I am so excited to show it off!
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"Willow and Xander were bad friends!!!" SHUT UP. Does a bad friend stand with you, unwavering, through trauma after trauma? Give up their futures to stand and fight beside you? Does a bad friend lose sight of their morality to drag you back from death because they miss you so much? Does a bad friend constantly argue and blame you for everything but will never hesitate to stand at your right hand? Is a bad friend someone you actually don't like very much anymore, and all you seem to do is hurt each other, but it's okay because that's all the three of you were ever taught. And maybe none of you can stand to look each other in the eyes, but does a bad friend stay anyway? Even when everyone else has left? Does a bad friend let you brush off all their horrific mistakes, even when you would kill someone for less? Does a bad friend drag your rotting corpse of a friendship behind them like a child's beloved stuffed animal, because it is the only thing you all have ever relied on?
Would a good friend regret ever meeting you?
#buffy summers#willow rosenberg#xander harris#btvs#alexa play no children by the mountain goats#i have so many thoughts abt these 3 idiots#anyways willow and xander WERE buffy's best friends for better or worse (worse probably but who's counting)#just bc they were terrible to each other does not mean they loved each other any less#my main gripe w empty places is everyone can kick her out but willow and Xander need to keep that codependency goinggg#like they backed willow after yk everything#and they backed Xander after hells bells#could’ve been a full circle toxic friendship moment 😔
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it's because you're always thinking about that damn starfish parasite
#thoughts#me unfortunately even when i don't realize I'm thinking about it#it's so good i keep thinking abt themes & metaphors in various things & accidentally circling back around to it#like conceptually.
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oubh i know the whole point of the cia robes is to remove chapter affiliations but. what if theyre lined with an agents og chapter colors. little flash of heliotrope when theyre running. a gash in the fabric alongside an injury reveals not just orange-red blood but prydon scarlet silk
#a#or yk timesilk or whatever#i keep meaning to come up with actual Thoughts on gallifreyan textiles and all i really have is theyre almost certainly not natural fiber#and that i knowww they have some cultural ideas abt woven/non woven fabrics because of Looms#but specifics i have to circle back to#anyway please imagine with me narvin hiking up his robes for some reason and its hot pink under there#just for fun :)#edit im dumb i said patrex where i meant prydon. anyway.
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Seared like a songbird flying to the sun
A belated birthday gift for @misty-wisp ! Tried to combine references for both Swan Lake and Cendrillon >:3 (Linked the English cover I took the lyrics from for the title!)
#ariart#isat#isat spoilers#gemtale#friends oc#i unlocked the ability to draw two characters and decided to just kept at it but tbf this one has 4 in all honesty and boi...#the Perspective... the one for the mirrored version was harder than i thought but aaayyyeee!!! AM SO PROUD AND HAPPY THO!#let it be known that this piece was only meant to have the mirror for the background but i was like: hm... too empty-- oh whoops--#also a lil sad that odile and odettes arms are blocking the design for front of odettes outfit. she also has a diamond by the center#of it! and its also meant to take on the shape of a star with three beads at the bottom! tried to give her an outfit combining#kabue (diamonds) vaugarde (circles) and the island (star) meanwhile odile gets diamonds and circles#and yeeeeeess!!! their outfits are mirrored in a way! i only wanted to give the mirrored effect of spiky and round#but somehow managed to pull off an actual mirrored fit like with the open and closed wings and the shape of the top#i also designed the outfit as like-- a ballet outfit thats also like just a fancy dress for the swan lake and cendrillon themes#the red part on mirrordiles leg lookin like a gaping wound. i love that part honestly cuz its so last minute#i was meant to blend that to soften the edges but my brushes wont cooperate and i noticed it looked reaaaally nice as is so i kept it!#also odile has gloves that has fake nails outside it so she gets sharp pointy nails privileges. i could write a whole ass theory bout that#smth smth odile making sure to cautiously and gently handle odette so as not to hurt her but as a result keeps her at arms length#did i thought bout that explanation when i gave her the gloves? no. i was actually just too lazy to get rid of her nails when givin#her the gloves cuz i did everything in one layer for the lineart so i was like: hey arent there gloves with fake nails? yea thatll work--#LET IT BE KNOWN THAT TUMBLR MF LOGGED ME OUT AGAIN FOR NO REASON WHILE MAKING THIS POST BUT IM SMARTER!!!#LOGGED IN A DIFFERENT TAB. WENT BACK TO THIS TAB. SAVE AS DRAFT! MY TAGS ARE SAAAFFEE!!! GODDAMMIT TUMBLR!
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Danny is the most responsible and focused of the trio. This is not a good thing.
#the allo mind is such a fallable thing…#Considering a lot of Danny’s characterization in the show is just dumb teenager makes dumb teenager decisions#I think it’s fun to take at least a few of those stupid formulaic traits and make them an actual part of his personality#he gets very fixated and lovestruck and weird about crushes#crushes keeps circling back to Paulina#I like them all being different flavors of idiot#with Sam it’s something insane and impulsive and not thought through#with Tucker it’s something indulgent and lazy and unconcerned#with Danny it’s shit like forgetting his self appointed job for a week bc he’s in a relationship#none of them have their priorities straight and I love them for it#danny phantom#dp headcanons#dp#danny fenton#sam manson#tucker foley#fanart#art#digital fanart#artists on tumblr#small artist#playing with palets again!#narritive design#I’ve accidentally done that in the hashtags#that’s my bad
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starting to feel like a broken record bc I did enjoy cot & I do have thoughts on other aspects of the book but I can't get over how Kit's death was treated in the narrative. he was paid fucking dust and for a series so heavily about friendship, none of his friends actually seemed to grieve him that much. and this isn't something I hold against the characters, it is very much cc who didn't fucking include scenes (like his funeral!! where the fuck is that!!). like I can't get over how mad I am about it, that once his usefulness of being "the inventor" wore off he simply disappeared from the story all together. like there wasn't even a scene with just the Merry Thieves, now without him, dealing with his loss. like they didn't go back to the devil tavern or anything like that. there was no fucking closure, none at all.
#i hate it so much#chain of thorns spoilers#chain of thorns#cot spoilers#chot spoilers#my thoughts just keep circling back to him :(#kit you deserve so much better than this <3#christopher lightwood
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For a self-proclaimed team ZITS enjoyer I really astonish myself with how often my brain does the thought process of: I like zedaph + I like skizz = man wouldn’t it be cool if they knew each other that would be so awesome. Wait.
#astro speaks#team zits#zedaph#skizzleman#I keep doing that. I’ve had that exact same thought like 5 or 6 times now over the past 2 weeks#I think it’s the fact that they aren’t in any serieses together#like I don’t think I’ve ever seen them play minecraft together outside the olympzits streams#once again this circles back to my put zed in the life series/put skizz in hermitcraft agenda
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WHOO this took forever! for @rozugold ‘s awesome dtiys :)) it’s meant to look like a polaroid with scribbles on it but i’m not too sure that worked out haha
just the drawing without the extra stuff under the cut :)
#THIS IS ALSO A ROZU APPRECIATION POST!!#the original drawing hits so hard and the longer i looked at it the more i died /pos#i had to keep going back(especially on tommy) and making changes to how i drew the facial expressions#because you managed to make it so much more nuanced than i thought at first glance#it’s such a specific expression and it’s SO GOOD#in the end i still don’t think i really caught it exactly#AND THE COLOURS#just so so pretty#i could be looking into it too much but i really adore the way the background curves that much#they are on different halves being pulled apart#the world keeps moving on#they will always circle back to eachother#idk i just feel it in my bones something is there#i haven’t seen all the painted illusions lore but from what i’ve seen it looks so so awesome :)#i’m gonna have to find time to go through every post about it#painted illusions#my art
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something something foils moving in opposite directions Goku's always happy to seek and fight stronger opponents because he spent most of his life being the strongest guy in the room and Vegeta wants to be the strongest/is always exhausted to find stronger opponents because he spent most of his life having to navigate his survival around the whims of the strongest guy in the universe room and so Goku has a foundation of safety and stability and so spends his time craving challenge and adventure and Vegeta has a foundation of challenge and adventure and spends his time craving safety and stability and the overlaid section of their venn diagram is that the only way they know how acquire and maintain those things is through battle
#thank you this has been the laziest media analysis post of my career#dbtag#media analysis#something something a game to goku is a threat to vegeta etc#there's a pinned thought here about how Vegeta also didn't learn about the dragon balls until he was ?? 30?? and so all loss is permanent#and goku has been familiar since he was ~12 and hasn't faced a permanent consequence since he was 10 years old and even then he got closure#sometimes I think about how Vegeta saw Trunks die and how Krillin was mad at him for reacting since they could fix it with the dragon balls#but Vegeta has very limited experience with the dragon so to him in that moment that was permanent and Trunks was Dead. Forever.#And we talked before in a 2am post about Vegeta having never experienced grief born of love and I stand by it because his feelings then wer#still very new and very odd and not something he'd accepted until that moment so it was raw power but not as powerful as it could've been#all this to say in my heart of hearts I think Vegeta deserves to retire at the end of super (if super continues) -- not as a warrior#but as an infantryman. he's a prince and now he's got his domain and his family and his planet to look after and I think he deserves#to go home and stay home and help piccolo bully gohan into training more often when goku inevitably leaves to hop the multiverse#geets wanted to take a sabbatical when Bulla was born but didn't get the chance because Freeza coming back freaked him out too much#but whether freeza gets a redemption arc or gets defeated -- Granolah's arc seemed to shift his perspective on being the strongest#and I just grips fist I just think it would be a really nice full circle for Vegeta to inherit his throne in a way he never expected and#finally get his kingdom to look after and protect in the way that he was looking forward to being king of his own planet all those years ag#Goku's got Broly and Jiren and Hit and all the others to keep him busy and happy now -- and if Freeza gets a redemption arc he'll probably#continue playing slap-ass with Goku for the rest of his life -- and Vegeta's got Gohan and Piccolo and Goten and Trunks#I just think them getting a nice bittersweet 'This is where we part ways' would be really nice for both of them because !!#They couldn't have done this without each other. They couldn't have known this kind of life was possible without each other.#So they swap lots and live happier than they ever imagined they could be#especially since Vegeta has proved to himself that he can close any gap Goku creates in progress that's not a concern anymore#And obvs the door's always open!! There's no point closing it Vegeta's tried the locks they don't work on Goku#anyway here's me putting the whole essay in the tags again#this isn't an essay as much as it is stream of consciousness tag blogging#anyway i'm too lazy to write fic or draw comics so we get ramblings instead
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thot blurb
i'm aware Tot Musica is from One Piece and pirates and all that, but every time it comes up on my playlist i can't help but imagine like viking/barbarian 141.
simon with black face paint and bone white face markings
soap with rings and beads braided into his mowhawk
burly beard price with some gauntlets and maybe a chalice or a stein
gaz with some daggers or a bow and quiver, draped in furs and leathers
meep
#have so many like differing thoughts on this but i keep circling back to it#simon ghost riley#simon riley#kyle gaz garrick#kyle garrick#johnny soap mactavish#soap mactavish#john price#call of duty#cod x reader
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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