#i keep bf posting and i won’t apologise i do think he’s really great

[fishermansfoe]

today my coworker was asking abt my bf and was like “oh wow sounds like it’s getting serious” and i was like hmm not really? which is silly bc i do know what Getting Serious means and i have felt relationships become serious in the most literal sense and this on paper is that. but it never feels serious? and i think that’s really awesome. like idk for previous partners Getting Serious has been synonymous with an expectation — this is your person, you owe them x amount of time per week and you are in a Serious Relationship so things are frequently hard and that’s just how it is. it is how it has been.

now, this is just my guy i met his friends on the weekend and we pranked them together. today he decided he wanted to pick me up for a sweet treat so we did that and then i smashed him at board games. he said he needed to rant and i was like that’s chill and it never felt like i was doing intense emotional labour, something i often struggle with. short and sweet. he knows i don’t romantically love him and he’s okay with it. we talk about the characters in tv shows we think are hot together. if i am too in my head he picks me up and squeezes me tight. we make plans last minute and we cancel plans las minute. i keep his favourite snacks in my bedroom. when i am flaring, he stays by his phone so i’m not alone, even if it’s 3am and he’s working the next day. when he needs someone to sit by him so he finishes his assignments i’m there. if we can’t see each other for a while it’s no big deal too. it’s never difficult, not in the way i have come to expect. we don’t owe each other anything but we do things because we care and that’s really great.

[morgastrophilia]

Under the rain (Draco X Reader)

Hey ! So this is the first time I post something here, I wanted to apologise for my bad English, I'm French and even if I corrected this OneShot, there might be some mistakes so SORRY IF YOU SPOT ONE. Also, sorry for my lack of vocabulary…  I hope you’ll like it anyway.

Y/N : Your name 

Y/L/N : Your last name

Y/H : Your House

Y/BF/N : Your BestFriend name

(Night Fury is your horse )

Trigger Warnings : panic attacks, injuries, sadness, death, mourning

It was one of those nights when you couldn't stand living, so you escaped from the Y/H's dormitory to go to the Astronomy tower. you tiptoed through the hallways, trying not to wake up the figures on the canvas. You were struggling with your breath but you were used to it : you often felt overwhelmed and you had a lot of panic attacks during the third year. Professor Sinistra caught you during one your crisis and she offered to give you duplicate keys.

Their wasn't any astronomy class this night, so you sneaked in carefully and you went at the top of the tower. Fresh air stroke your face as you reached there. The sky was full of stars, the moon was shining in the middle of this canopy of heaven. Usually, you felt peaceful just by stargazing a few minutes. It was usually like that, you just had to watch carefully at the sky and you felt at ease except if a professor caught you while tiptoeing to your own heaven.

But this night, it didn't went that way. Even under this wonderful sky, you had a tough time breathing, even if you tried to picture a soft scene in your head, even if you put your nails in the palm of your hand, even if you tried to breathe calmly. You had some difficulty to breathe, since the beginning of this year, you didn't know why though. You were constantly staring at the ground even when Malfoy, your crush since first year, was closer than he's ever been. You couldn't think about something else than Night Fury's death.

It happened during summer break and you didn't tell anyone, not even Y/BF/N. You weren't able to talk about this afternoon, you had been terrified and the simple fact of thinking about horse riding took my breathe away. It was one of the most usual day for both of you, Night Fury was very enthusiast and so were you. You just put a halter on her and you jumped on her back, you loved to ride without anything, you felt more connected to her. It was drizzling but you didn't care, you went to the nearest forest, she was galloping, air was blowing your face, it was delicious, you can't picture another moment where you felt as free as you felt this morning. But suddenly, she stopped dead and fell. You didn't understand at first, my brain wasn't aware of his environment. you get up and you realised something was wrong, you started to freak out but you couldn't do anything. you fell on my knees, whispered a few words to her hears 'you got you, it's okay lovely, we're gonna fix this', and you jumped on your feet 'Wingardium leviosa', you said clearly and you started to flit and you ran as fast as possible towards to your house without loosing your concentration. When you reached your house, you saw your pale mother's face and when you faced your dark horse, you felt it : life had left her. you made her reach the ground and an empty feeling started to take place in your stomach : why her ? Why Night fury ? She was your dearest friend, she knew you better than anyone else, she knew all your secrets, she was the only one you fully trusted.

It happened in july and after that, you refused to go out, you stayed in your room all summer, only leaving it when Y/BF/N came two or three times, but you weren't there, you were locked up in your mind and Y/BF/N knew it but she didn't urge you to tell her, she knew you had a though time confessing some things.

So, this night, you just lied on the floor, struggling to breathe, trying to focus on the sky but you couldn't see any star with all those tears in year eyes when you heard the door squeak. You jumped on your feet, took your wand, ready to use stupefy on the next person who would cross this door. The footsteps were getting closer and closer and your heart was racing in your chest. You couldn't see anything but you glimpsed a shadow and you didn't wait any longer.

'STUPEFY’ you yelled.

The person moaned as she hit the wall behind her and fell on the stairs. You ran to her and used expelliarmus before he or she could do anything. As you touched the other’s wand, you discovered who was lying right here...

'Draco', you whispered as you used lumos to see his face.

He winced as his hand touched his back.

'What the hell have I done to you ?' He was glaring right into your eyes and you couldn't help but glaring back, his were usually grey but this night, you thought they looked darker than usual.

'You're hurt ? We should go to Mrse Pomfrey'.

He frowned as you tried to help him to go back on his feet, you felt guilty as you saw that he wasn't acting at all, he's been really hurt.

'Sorry, I thought it was something scary and...' he interrupted you and pushed you 'Get away from me'.

You were petrified as you looked at him going down the stairs. It was the first time Draco gave you some attention and you had ruin your only chance to talk to him, you thought you were the dumbest of all. You sighed as you started to go back to your tower but Malfoy fell down and you ran to him (as a stupid girl you were).

'Wingardium leviosa' you whispered as you was reaching him.

'What are you doing? Stop that or my father will..'

'hear about this, yeah, I know, fuck off Draco, I'm helping you even if you don't want to.'

You couldn't explain why, but he obeyed and shut his mouth while you were leading him to Mrs Pomfrey. you put him down once you both reached the hospital wing. You knocked on the door while helping Malfoy to stand up. The sweet woman opened to you and she helped you to carry this blonde boy to a bed. She examined him as you explained how you injured him without willing to. She nodded, you couldn't tell if she was listening or not but you weren't able to stare at Draco so you stayed, looking at your shoes.

'You've been raw on him' she whispered as you caught Malfoy's eyes.

They were full of curiosity, you couldn't tell why but all his nastiness had left his grey eyes. You avoided his look and smirked : he didn't steal it, after all. He was gross with everyone, it was just karma after all.

'I keep him here this night, you should go back to your bed Y/N, good...' but Malfoy yelled 'NO' making you blench.

His voice was changing and it reached a high note making you giggle a bit.

'She hurted me, she stays to look after me' he continued as you frowned.

'Absolutely not, I am sorry for hurting you, but I won't stay, I had enough of your company'.

And you just left on that, he was a diva but you surely wouldn't do what he wanted.

Next morning you had potions with slytherins and you smiled when Y/BF/N entered the room, it all became lighter : she was your sunshine, every time she was entering a room, she lighted it up with her smile, with her presence, and she made you feel peaceful. She was your guardian angel, even if she was friend with this damn Parkinson (your were a bit jealous of Pansy, you didn’t hate her at all). Malfoy was right behind Pansy and Y/BF/N and you focused on your cauldron while your best friend came to sit with you.

'Is it true you hurted Malfoy ?' she asked playfully.

She was aware of your crush on him, she was the only person in this damn castle you would confess and she teased you every time with it.

'It was an accident, I was in the middle of a panic attack and he scared me, you know I wouldn't hurt him otherwise' you mumbled as Snape was walking next to you.

'Y/N and Y/BF/N, you seem to have a lot to share with us so come here and tell us what you can smell' said Snape without a look at us.

You both walked through the aisle and sniffed the potion. Just before your class, your sister told you she made amortentia with her new class, she repeated sixth year as she failed last year, so you knew you were about to describe Malfoy's scent (a brilliant mix of lemon, musc and mint), you could smell it, the entire class had his smell and it distracted you.

'Y/N, go first'.

The whole class was glaring at you and it made you blush, you hated attention.

'Hum.. It smells like wood just after rain, and probably lemon' you lied without a doubt as you pressed your hand on your lips. Y/BF/N knew you were lying, you avoided her eyes and the thing you did with your fingers, you were always doing it while lying, but she didn't say anything. Y

Yet, you didn't lie completely, when Draco was passing by, you could smell lemon, you just didn't want to admit it.

'I smell leather and amber with a slight note of musc', it was clearly Theodore’s parfume and you smirked without looking at Y/BF/N, she seemed confused.

'Why do you make us smell amortentia, professor ? We're not capable of doing it, we're not sixth years'

Snape glared at you, he was next to Malfoy and you had to focus a lot not to look at this blonde guy.

'Are you doubting my knowledge, miss Y/L/N ?' he said with a calm voice yet full of reproach as you blushed.

'No, absolutly not, you just...'

'10 point from Y/H, go to your sit'.

You pouted and mumbled an insult as Y/BF/N and you sat back, for some reason he always hated you whereas you loved him, he had a lot of knowledge even if he had a shitty behaviour toward students.

'What is Amortentia ?' asked Y/BF/N as Snape was opening his book of third year.

'Go on Y/N, explain' he muttered without a look at you.

You were a living dictionary to him since you loved to learn things before his class, you already knew your program by heart and you were studying sixth year's program (just for fun), other Y/H were great in potions but you excelled in it.

'Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in the world. It is distinctive for its mother-of-pearl sheen, and steam rises from the potion in spirals. Amortentia smells different to each person, according to what, or who, attracts them.' you replied without lifting your eyes from the potions' book.

'So you're attracted to rain and lemon, who smell like that ?' asked Malfoy with sarcasm, you rolled your eyes, he was being stupid as usual.

'And you, what do you smell, uh ? Tell us, it seems more interesting than what I smelled, so go on' all of the colours on Draco's faced disappeared a second and then he became all red and started to stutter.

'Malfoy, Y/L/N, stop'.

The rest of this class was boring but it was raining outside and this satisfying sound made you smile the whole time, especially when Snape opened the window and this amazing smell reached to you. Y/BF/N and you split after class and you pouted, you were in different houses and you hated being separated. Plus, she had class with gryffindors, so it made it worse. You hugged her tight as Pansy waited for her.

This morning has been so long, all you wanted to do was running under the rain and that's what you did at midday, you took a snack and sat in the grass. It was delightful to sit there while these drops hit your skin, making you shiver.

'Enjoying the rain ?' asked this dumb-ass you had a crush on.

'Fuck off, Malfoy, leave you alone' you heard yourself mutter as you took a bite from your sandwich.

'Bergamot, lemon, cedar and leather' whispered Draco as you were eating while enjoying the rain.

'What do you mean ? This kind of tea doesn't exist...' you responded while blushing.

You knew he loved tea, but he didn't know that, no one was supposed to know this kind of thing about someone you weren’t close to, Y/BF/N was so right, you were a stalker. He frowned and sat in front of you in silence, it was weird, his look was intense and you had a tough time to keep looking right into his eyes.

'When it comes to potion, you're a know-it-all, but communication is not your best skill. The potion, it smelled like you.' he finally said, making you choke. 'But, I guess your love interest is this tree, I'm just gonna let you enjoy your...' '

‘I lied, Draco. I didn't want to tell everyone that the entire class smelled like you. Even if you smell like lemon, just a bit. But what the hell ? Why do you smell my parfume?'.

You glared at each other for a long time, maybe ten or twenty minutes, without saying a word, but it wasn't weird, it felt good even if you were soaked now. His fluffy hair was glued to his forehead and his shirt was now transparent, so was yours, though.

'Do you want some?' you whispered, giving a sandwich to him, he simply nodded, he took it and came to sit next to you.

'It feels amazing to just sit there, you're right, rain's scent is cool' he mumbled as he swallowed his bite.

'It's even better with thunder and lightening, but when you're done with your sandwich, we should go back inside to dry before our classes'.

He nodded and smiled.

'You should smile more, it looks good on your face', you said with a smirk.

He laughed a bit and you both stayed silent until you had to split to go to different classes. Since this day, you started to see each other more often, you had some kind of dates at the library and after a few months, Draco started to let you see his soft side to your great pleasure.

[marshmallow--3]

Now the day is mostly over, I'm going to be honest.

I had one of the worst days of my life today. It's my first Christmas waking up alone without a house of family, as horrible as they were. Where I am now, there's a person who treats me similarly to how my brother treated me, says and acts like I'm stupid. And there's nights I haven't wanted to come home and mornings I haven't wanted to leave my bedroom, knowing he's there, knowing he's still living here after everything.

I tried my best to be cheerful, I poured myself a glass of apple juice and opened all my presents, and because I'm by myself this Christmas I was actually able to keep a list of what people bought me so I remember - it's not that I'm spoilt or ungrateful, but I have problems with my memory linked with my mental health, and having that list there to document who bought me what helped a great deal. I would never have been able to do that at home.

I had my gifts organised into piles of what I'm keeping and what will go to a charity shop first chance I get. As expected, my Gran and Auntie's gifts were inconsiderate and unusable for me, but they'd make nice birthday gifts. Speaking of birthdays, it only feels like yesterday I was sat here, opening my birthday presents - 30th July, it was.

Feeling completely depressed, I went back to sleep, set an alarm so I could have some breakfast as early as possible so I didn't ruin my appetite for dinner with my sister. Honestly, even though I was spending part of the day with my sister, I felt more alone and isolated than ever before. I just wanted to sleep and be by myself all day, not even the prospect of having a phone call with my Dad excited me.

I was even told off by a famous figure I follow because I posted a picture they weren't happy with me posting. They were polite about it and I responded straight away, apologising and removing it before they could even ask, but it left me fragile and afraid all day. It's one of my flaws, I don't like being told off, or reprimanded, or getting into trouble in any kind of way. I get all timid like a child, I shy away from that person who's told me off and I avoid them for as long as I can. I avoided my grandad until his death because he told me off once when I was a kid. So I've turned off my notifications on Instagram and hidden the app because I can't deal with the reminder that I upset someone I respect, and they'll forever know me now as someone who disrespected them and did something wrong towards them. I have a calendar coming soon with their face on every page, I won't even be able to look at it. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I can't shy away or remove myself from existence enough.

Then I was at my sister's. She shared some information about m** - she has a new boyfriend, she's signing all the gifts and cards as "from Mum and Mick", something she's done every time she has a new fella. It's really destabilising to be honest, especially as a child, growing up and having some strange man's name on everything. And when she wrote a card for a boyfriend I had a while ago, she wrote "and Andrew" and my bf asked me who that was. At the time I asked her not to include his name on my card and she had a hissy fit about it. It's mirrored to now, she had a hissy fit because my brother didn't write her new fella's name on his card to her.

Oh and my brother constantly deadnamed me in texts all day. I don't know if I'm just being an arsehole, but he even posted a picture on Facebook of all her presents saying Santa had delivered them all - included was my gift and likely other people's. Like, I'm sorry but if you want to do the Santa thing with your own presents as the parent, then yeah, fine, go ahead. But do not tell that child that a gift has come from Santa when it's come from a relative who's put a huge amount of thought into that shit. I don't even love her, I just have to buy for her because she hasn't done anything wrong. If I don't buy for her, I'm perpetuating what my Auntie did to me when I was 1 years old - excluding me from the present buying when she bought for all of my siblings because she didn't like who my dad is. I can't do that to her even though I hold no love for her.

So after spending time with my sister, a combination of things snapped in me, I had to leave. I gave her a kiss goodbye, thanked her for the dinner etc., and proceeded to walk home having some kind of attack - anxiety or disassociative, I don't know. My breathing was out of sync, I was panting and sobbing, I started to retch a lot and I was sick multiple times into the grass. All the while thinking about how fucked up my family is, how miserable my life is, and how badly I wanted to die. I thought about ways I was going to die. I cross the roads without looking, hoping something will hit me. And when it doesn't, I audibly say "shame".

I've suffered all day because everyone else is happy, and I can't ruin their day by existing. I can't spoil everyone else's Christmas. You all deserve a good time free from me and my problems.

I'm okay for now, but New Year's is still coming. I'll still have to deal with the fact that time is passing, I'm aging, and another year has passed where I'm in a worse place than I was the year before, I have no help, no support, few friends in person who actually care about me and would be willing to help me when I needed it the most, and very little reason to be here.

And then after that there's Valentine's Day. Another day I'm alone. And then there's Mother's Day. Oh look, I have no mother, m** was abusive as hell and sabotaged my life. Then Easter, people out there actually have faith in something to give their life purpose, a reason to live life to the fullest, I don't have that, I don't believe in anything.

It's just an endless cycle of misery and loneliness.

And to reiterate, I'm fine now, I'm gonna grab another glass of apple juice and head to sleep for the night.

Merry Christmas, everyone

[justalittlemango]

Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt. 

[insatiablestitches]

BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I’m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt

[sigurdjarlson]

Replies! Woo! super late i know

highpriestessbriyanna said: This is always my reaction. Like “yes. keep talking. Wait.. did you just PUN at me again.. IMA KNIOCK THAT FUCKER OFF A CLIFF” 

IM 99.9% sure someone has knocked khadgar off a cliff before and there’s an 80% chance it was because of a pun

owmyeyeballs said: You ok, friendbeast?

just tired and in a bit of a slump but i’ll be okay. thank you <3

owmyeyeballs said: Know that feel…

my poor girl! hasn’t she been through enough.. (*evil brain sounds*) 

skullkind said: congrats!

Thank you!! It was the shitty demon hunter boots but it’s better than nothin! 

lovesdaryl said: Feel better soon. *hugs*

thank you <3 *hugs*

skullkind said: me with illidan like once a week

same tbh

casterlycosplay said: Very relatable content

i wish i could say its the first time i’ve teared up while thinking about khadgar..but its not

apaladinfailure said: this is the most relatable thing you’ve ever posted

Khadgar..such a tearjerker huheuheuh he cries while he wanks 

anzareveange said: im giving him all my love.

same. i want blizz to let me hug him so bad like PLEASE

skullkind said: hey !! im skull and ive been following you for a while and think youre super chill! i llove ur wow posting ! you dont need to follow back but i would love to chat sometime or stuff ^^ 

hello!!1 :D thank you for following. I’m glad you enjoy them. Feel free to contact me anytime! I’d love to chat

shadowphoenixrider said: Yeah, I remember her sneaking around the Twilight Highlands in Cata.

That sounds like her <3

ship-garbage-pile said: ^^ yeah she’s one of the quest givers order hall

I need to level my rogue..

lovesdaryl said: I might have mentioned this, but we went to ZG before it was patched out and I actually won the tiger and gave it to my husband as a gift. He looks magnificent on it. :-)

this is honestly the sweetest thing ever

anzareveange said: sleeping with the enemy…

Khadgar and Gul’dan have some serious unresolved sexual tension lbr

owmyeyeballs said: I love reading your responses to these. Thanks for putting up with my nonsense! XD

I love answering them <3

a-little-squirrely-sunshine said: My cat is named David Bowie, and depending on how I phrase things I get the best odd looks from my friends.

That’s great like i cna just imagine..DAVID BOWIE WHAT DO YOU  HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH sdkgkdfh

owmyeyeballs said: These two just keep on breaking my heart…

they break mine too ugh. My poor babies

shadowphoenixrider said: I’d vote, but I like quite a few and I don’t think they’d all fit in this text box. I might…steal one idea though.

Steal as many as you’d like and I’d still love to hear which ones you think i should write! 

doitsuki said: yes genn is lower in the hierarchy

he’s..the omega

ghoulghoulneighbor said: But they said no homo while they did it……….

blizzard could make a cinemeatic where khadgar and medivh have explicit sex and they’d still be like.. “no homo tho” 

shadowphoenixrider said: Eggs-llecent idea, Archmage.

BLOCKED

anzareveange said: take all my dollars blizzard! hire him for the movie!

I won’t accept anyone else as old khadgar now. Someone get me into contact with George

owmyeyeballs said: i love them!!!!

My fierce saber queens <3

apaladinfailure said: omg that it so sweet im crying

i cried a lil while writing it so don’t feel bad hehheh

owmyeyeballs said: Oh dear lord, that was adorable and sad… someone protect these sweethearts!

protect Khadgar and Jaina 2k17

shadowphoenixrider said: Ow my heart! If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just lie down…right here…

i had to do the same after writing it tbh

owmyeyeballs said: Sweet, precious babies!

i just want to hold them both

shadowphoenixrider said: *chinhands* These are lovely, you know.

thank you so much!! 

shadowphoenixrider said: I’m not quite sure my heart should be hurting this much in the morning, but it is! 

Hohoho there’s a lot more where that came from!

ghoulghoulneighbor said: How dare u. This is some 10/10 pain, would cry again.

Same tbh. I made their parents and I was like shit..i love them  

ghoulghoulneighbor said: I knew Illidan was the daddy kink type, I just knew it

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED...FOR ILLIDADDY’S DICK

ghoulghoulneighbor said: what have I started.

*points at medivh* Medaddy.

*points at Gul’dan* Gul’daddy

anzareveange said: Many races dont have orphans or child models. i want to see a tauren child, or a dwarf or a gnome child.

there are nightborne children models so blizz really doesn’t have an excuse anymore. I want children models for all the races, blizz. Give me this now

shadowphoenixrider said: I’d like to inform you that Khadgar is introduced in the book Tides of Darkness with a youngster in one arm and holding the hand of another. We don’t call him Dadgar for nothing! ^^

OH NO!!! This is so sweet I really need to read Tides of Darkness...and Beyond the Dark Portal

anzareveange said: “Put that thing back where it came from” no, it can be really painfull, also the mother is dead, so no.

maybe illidan doesn’t know where babies come from 

ghoulghoulneighbor said: you’d think his hunters would be expecting this kind of thing by now tho

very true. new recruits learn very quickly not to stand behind Illidaddy. He’s very dramatic and very passionate. when he gets excited he can’t control his wings

shadowphoenixrider said: I’d like to add that if you put a pet bed down, it’ll attempt to ‘sit’ in it. Reduced my bf to wheezing laughter when he saw it.

FDHDfhd I KNOW ISN’T IT GREAT. You make him jump through the flaming hoop too. 

It catches on fire sometimes and runs away...oops 

shalar0s said: I’m dying over the “well that’s new.” Oh my god I can’t breathe.

nothing surprises Moroes anymore. Nothing. 

unidentified-starman said: see, kids? this is what happens when you party (& clean up the library) too much

Ben!Khadgar? Before Medivh.

Game!Khadgar? After Medivh.

Medivh is a helluva drug

spicymulligan said: Boy howdy ur gonna LOVE Glee then

this is the worst thing you’ve ever said to me

ghoulghoulneighbor said: The ONLY way to treat your giant fuzzy murdercat

she loves her giant fuzzy murdercats <33

owmyeyeballs said: I want to hug Dilly too!

She needs a hug tbh

apaladinfailure said: this is entirely possible with genn greymane

SOMEONE DREW THAT!! I don’t know where it is but it was his wife riding on his back into battle

derp-mage said: It would have been glorious and now I’m mad he didn’t go full on worgen run

blizzard let us ride Malfurion in his regular form

WAIT NO

owmyeyeballs said: KHADGAR DO NOT FUCK THE SKULL

too late. he hurt himself rip

unidentified-starman said: it’ll look even more ridiculous when he appears in the warcraft movie sequel or smth (i hope it gets made sometime). he’ll probably be at least half cgi (or a man flapping his arms in a motion capture suit). look at cgi malfurion go

I am excited and dreading the day they add Malfurion to the films. Because he’s either going to look awesome or fuckin terribly hilarious (more likely tbh) and I can’t wait. (SHIT...motion capture behind the scene shit is so great) 

shadowphoenixrider said: pffft that second one. AFAIK Khadgar asplodes everyone in Kilrogg’s vision, but I don’t think it’s Mythic difficulty? Could be wrong.

hmm i just did the Kilrogg fight on mythic on both Diily and Alaluria and didn’t get any visions. Is there something I have to do to trigger it? (i will cry)

ghoulghoulneighbor said: Your tag said wing burrito and I thought of a burrito stuffed with chicken wings, with the horns and blindfold. …I’ll see myself out.

*muffled sobbing from the bathroom* I was not prepared for these burritos..

shadowphoenixrider said: Don’t apologise, I love hearing these.

you’re an angel. thank you <3

carlyrosk said: That’s how I am too oh my god. That cinematic crushed both me and my Deathlord! I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on Genn! He’s been through SO much, and he’s just snapped with Varian’s death.

Genn’s reaction to Varian’s death in the cinematic kills me every time. Genn kills me. My poor old wolf man </3