#i keep adding random shit like this in the tags and then people reblog my posts with all of the tags

[crunchchute]

Out of the pit

[jasntodds]

Lost In The Bitterness | J.T.

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

Request: @just-lost-inbetween-worlds :  I was wondering if you could write a fic where reader kind of works for the titans helping with their medical stuff as she has her EMT certificate or something similar, and one late night she patches up Jason/red hood or Robin, who’ve had a crush on each other secretly but are also sort of enemies? And then when she patches a fairly hurt Jason like the feelings come out and they kiss and confess and such. 

Summary: Patching up Jason Todd, Red Hood, at two in the morning on a Tuesday night was not exactly on your agenda. Especially given the history between the two of you.

Warnings: Descriptions of injuries, enemies to lovers, mentions of previous homelessness, bit of angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Words: 3,323

A/n: Photo credit goes to the amazing @just-lost-inbetween-worlds !! Hello, I love injury tropes, especially this one lmao If you wanna be added to my tag list, click the link below, send me an ask, or comment!! You can also follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary​ !! If you like this, please reblog it and/or talk to me about it!!

masterlist | request info | tag list

You and Jason were friends previously, before Red Hood, before he died, before Robin. Jason and you were two street kids, just trying to make it to the next day. You'd met at one of the shelters, clicked almost instantly. Even then he was charming and funny, hot-headed as hell. A true menace to society. He got you into so much trouble and you lived for it. It was fun and he was your best friend. You were his. But he decided to try and rob the Batmobile and Bruce Wayne picked him. You haven't been friends since. Unfortunately, for you though, the Titans and Red Hood have managed to patch things up between them and Red Hood is in San Francisco helping with a case.

When you decided to get your EMT certification, you didn't think you'd be using it to work with the Titans. You got it so you could help people, sure, but you thought you'd be helping people who did not always put themselves, intentionally, in the line of fire. But, life is funny that way. It rarely ever goes the way you think will. And now you're here, working for the Titans because of one really random and chance encounter with an injured Nightwing a few years ago. You helped him and the rest, should have been history. But, your life can't possibly be that simple because then you found out the one and only Jason Todd was actually Red Hood.

"Did you wanna tell me what happened?" Your voice holds a harshness to it that makes Jason groan as you get your supplies ready to patch him up.

"Like you fucking care." Jason quips back, stripping his top half of the suit.

"That's true. I do not fucking care. This is a favor to Dick." Your words are harsh and it hurts.

Jason isn't sure exactly what he did to you to make you hate him so much. Jason isn't oblivious and he's far from stupid. It's not a coincidence that your friendship ended the day he went to live with Bruce. But, he can't figure out why you're so mad about that. Why you don't want him to be taken care of? It didn't pan out exactly how he thought it would with Bruce with the whole Batman and Robin thing, then the dying thing. But, it was good and safe for a while and he was happy being Robin and with Bruce. He doesn't understand why you would hate him for that. So, he's mad at you because you're mad at him. And hearing this is a favor to Dick, now that stings like a hundred hornets.

"Don't fucking help then. Give me the shit and I'll do it my-damn-self. I don't need you." Jason snarls, sticking out his hand for you to hand him whatever you're willing and for a second, you think about it.

Being around him is just difficult and it hurts. All you two do is fight which is partially because you start it a good portion of the time. But, he keeps it going and he hits low blows. Tonight, you're taking the first strike, before he even has a chance. And you think about letting him patch himself up because he's done it before and it would be easier for you. You wouldn't have to be around him and technically, that's still fulfilling the favor to Dick. You made sure Jason didn't die...again. But, you signed an oath and you don't hate him that much. Hate might even be the wrong word.

"No, I'll do it." You mutter, grabbing a pack of gauze pads, knowing you'll be needing to clean something.

"I'm not some dirty fucking favor to anyone." Jason grumbles and his words are hot, boiling in the air.

"You're so insufferable." You groan, tossing your head back in frustration. "Just shut the fuck up and let me help you so you can leave." You turn around and now you're getting a look at the damage.

The anger and annoyance you just had vanished in an instant. His abdomen is bloody, what looks to be a large gash is near his right rib cage. There's a spot below it that looks like a bullet grazed the spot. Shades of purples, blues, and maroons litter the rest of his abdomen. There are a few scars across his chest, on his arms, one up near his neck and you wonder how the hell that even happened. His armor is supposed to protect him. And it stings looking at him like this.

"I'm fucking fine." Jason spits, his eyes narrowed at you and he sees the worry start to stretch across your face. "Don't suddenly act like you give a shit now. I'm bleeding out, you wanna do something or let me do it?"

You suck in a deep breath and move forward. He knows exactly which buttons to press and just how to press them. And yet, you find yourself, not growing mad at the interaction. You've never seen him like this. You've seen him with plenty of bruises and cuts. Jason being a hothead, he's been in his fair share of fistfights but nothing like this. This is different, it's more dangerous. He's putting himself in the line of bullets and knives and fists on purpose. The thought of him dying, again, crosses your mind and you feel your heart skip and then thunder as if it's going to burst right out from your chest.

You weren’t friends when he died but you remember seeing it on the news. Jason Todd had been killed. And you remember how it hurt anyway. Your breath had been sucked from your lungs and every piece of you regretted ever being mad at him in the first place. But, then he came back to life as Red Hood and you fight with him anyway because maybe a part of you thought he was indestructible after dying. He seemed that way and believing that lie you told yourself was easier than facing him. Clearly, you’re very wrong.

"Just stay still." You drop the venom in your voice, kneeling down so you can see the wound.

Jason holds your phone's flashlight in your direction so you can see better. It's not a super deep wound luckily and he doesn't seem to be in too much pain meaning it likely didn't hit anything important. So, you get to work cleaning the wound with water, holding a rag under it to catch the falling water.

"What the hell happened?" You ask, glancing up at him and Jason's eyes are boring into you.

Dick called and gave you the heads up you'd need to help Jason. Jason is staying at the tower but you both have been actively avoiding each other. So, Dick calling you to give you the heads up for your own sake, to prepare yourself for the encounter. And you figured it would be bad for Dick even ask. You always patch them up, even when they can do it themselves. But you didn't think you'd be dealing with Jason. Dick knows you never want to. But, of course you do it anyway. And now you're stuck worried about him.

"A few lucky shots, I guess." Jason looks away from you, not wanting to give you any detail. You already said you don't care, he's not gonna waste his breath.

"Yeah, okay." You roll your eyes. "Former Robin, current Red Hood, just people getting lucky shots in. Sure."

"You don't fucking care." Jason's voice almost cracks with his words. "Just do whatever the hell you need to and I'll leave, alright?"

Hate is not the word for Jason. It was never the right word. Because he's mad at you for being mad at him. When you were kids, there were always those bubbling feelings in the pit of his stomach. He always brushed them away because who has time for that when you're just trying to survive? And the feelings went away because you weren't around anymore. But, then he saw you again and they flooded right back. Even with you being mad at him. There is still something stirring in his stomach when he's around you. Hate isn't the right word.

You let out a sigh. "I'm just mad." You shake your head, swapping the water out for a gauze pad to dry some of the water so you can start stitching it.

It's not the right word for you either. He left you and that hurt a lot. But, it also hurt because you did really like him. Jason Todd has always been charming and charismatic, funny. He's always had a way to get you to laugh or smile either with something that was actually funny or some type of innuendo that also made you cringe. He's always been very good at it and there was a reason he was your best friend. It was never out of a convenience or necessity. There is always something a little bit more to it. And then he left and it hurt a lot. Being mad at him for it was a lot easier than facing any other type of feeling you had toward him.

He knows you're mad. That's kind of the whole issue. Maybe a part of him doesn't want to know. He thinks maybe you'll tell him it's him. There's something he specifically did. He's done it to everyone else, done something to piss them off and make them hate him. The Titans hated him for long enough, Bruce wasn't thrilled with him. Bruce still isn't happy with him given their opposing morals. Everyone gives up on him eventually and he doesn't want to hear that. Not tonight.

Not from you.

You get up and grab the needle and thread, threading the needle before moving back to your spot. Jason is still watching you intently and it makes you feel a little uneasy. You're not really sure why he's watching you so carefully. He has a thing about him that always makes you squirm, he's always been good at it. And maybe you're a little tired of being mad at him. Especially right now because he's injured.

"You left." Your voice is so small, Jason barely hears you.

"You're mad because I left?" Jason questions, his brows pulling together.

"Mhm." You hum. "Stay still. It'll probably hurt." You state before you start the stitching with no warning and Jason flitches. "Sorry."

"It's fine." Jason says through gritted teeth.

You start adding several stitches up the wound. "You went to live with Bruce and you left me alone."

It's not that he left you alone on purpose. He didn't have a choice. He went with Bruce, to a home, or go to juvie again. The choice was pretty easy and simple. He also did go looking for you but you conveniently, forget that part of the story.

"I looked for you. You fucking avoided me. I checked all of our spots and you were never fucking there. What the hell did you expect me to do?" Jason questions and it’s so frustrating. And you can hear the hurt in his voice which makes you feel worse for being mad in the first place.

"I don't know." You groan back, pausing your stitching. "But it hurt, okay? You left me alone and it hurt. And I'm mad because you were my best friend and you got to be safe. I got the shit end of the stick." You shake your head and that’s first time you’re saying it out loud, realizing how horrible it sounds. “It’s...it’s not your fault. It just sucked.”

That's not his fault. It's not his fault you weren’t caught by Bruce. It was a chance encounter. A fluke. Jason was just ballsy to try and steal from Batman. That's all it was. It's not his fault but he feels bad about it anyway because he doesn't think he deserves it. He doesn't think he ever deserved the kindness that Bruce offered that day or deserved the chance to be Robin. Look at what he's become, Jason doesn't think he deserves it.

"I'm sorry." Jason states, his voice broken. "You should have gotten better, alright? You should have."

You shake your head and you know this whole thing is dumb and selfish. "No," You shrug your shoulders. “It’s not your fault, Jay. I’m sorry for being mad. You deserved better and it was selfish of me to be mad. I was mad at the world and I took it out on you because it was easier, I guess. I’m really sorry.” You wish you could take it all back. Every single part of it. It’s not fair to him and you know he always deserved the best.

Jason is someone who doesn’t hold many grudges. He can let stuff go and it’s pretty simple. Apologize and he can move past it. And he always had a hard time staying mad at you for anything.

“I was only mad at you because you were mad at me.” Jason lets out a soft chuckle.

A faint smile pulls at your lips. “That’s a very you thing to do.” You lets out a soft laugh.

You continue to patch Jason up as the silence of the room consumes the two of you. You meant a lot to him. Jason's always been a rebel with a cause, causing trouble for the fun of it. Just trying to survive and you got that. You always did and you helped him get in and out of trouble more times than he count. You were his best friend and he's missed you, even if he doesn't show it and he's been mean to you. He's missed you and he hates being mad at you. Jason doesn't hold very many grudges.

And in this moment, you're finding it hard to hold onto the grudge. He's riddled with scars and he's actively doing what no one else is willing to do. Baring the weight so other people don't have to. He never meant to hurt you and you know he didn't. You wonder if anyone has ever helped him, after Robin. Probably not. Jason doesn't let many people in to begin with and you find yourself feeling sad for him. He didn’t deserve any of the bad things that have happened to him. And all of those feelings you had for him, bubble back up to the surface.

"I did miss you, for the record." You state, letting out a breath.

Jason's abdomen flexes as a chuckle falls from his lips. "Bull fucking shit."

"I did." You defend. "You were my best friend, of course, I missed you."

"Sure as shit never acted like it." Jason spits but there’s almost an airy sarcasm to his words.

"Because of the anger I had covered it up." You glance up at him as you finish placing some gauze on one of the cuts.

"You gonna stay mad at me forever?" Jason offers you the smirk that used to get you into trouble and he’s so tired of being mad at you. It’s pointless. It never got either of you anywhere.

"No." You flash him a gentle smile.

"Good, holding grudges doesn't look good on you." Jason quips, a cheeky smirk on his lips.

You roll your eyes, getting to your feet. "Oh, and now you know what looks good on me?"

"I've got some ideas."

"Right." You nod your head. "Be careful next time." You look him up and down and you can feel your stomach turn with nerves as you watch the smirk turn into something cocky.

"So now you care, huh?"

"Just don't want you to die again." You state.

"Yeah." Jason scoffs, looking down to his lap.

"Mad doesn't mean I actually didn't care."

"Sorry for everything anyway."

"It's alright, I forgive you." Your eyes widen at him as a smile pulls at your lips. "Always had a hard time staying mad you, especially when you manage to apologize."

"Yeah?" Jason gets a sinister glint in his eyes. "And why's that?" A part of him is messing with you, just like he used to when you were kids. The other part though, is curious if your reasoning is the same as his.

Your eyes narrow slightly. "Because..." You shrug and decide you have nothing to lose at this point. You’re not kids on the streets anymore. And you’re done holding onto bitterness and grudges. There’s no harm in telling him now. "Had a little hit of a thing for you then."

Jason's heart thunders with your words and he can feel heat rush to his cheeks. "Not now though?" He tries to brush it off, admitting the same thing. "Had a thing for you, too.... back then."

"Not now though?" You repeat his words and Jason has a cheeky grin as his eyes look to the ceiling and back to you. Jason shrugs right back. "Oh, well, too bad.” Sarcasm drips from your words. “Could've seen where it would go now but if—"

Jason grabs the back of your thighs, pulling you closer to him. Your hands catch yourself on his shoulders, your eyes wide. And you feel your heart jump to your throat.

"You saying you still do?" Jason asks, his eyes hopeful and you always liked the color of his eyes.

"Is that going to be an issue?"

Jason can't help the genuine smile that comes to his face. He always felt the most comfortable with you, even when you were being mean to him. "Nope, not an issue." Jason's voice drops as he eyes your lips.

"Yeah, still have a thing for you now." You dip your head lower, resting your forehead against his.

"So, do something about it." His voice is low but taunting and you take him up on it, bringing his lips to yours.

The kiss is soft at first but then Jason's grip tightens on your thighs, pulling you closer and your hands tangle in his hair, pulling his mouth harsher against yours. The kiss turns hungry and desperate, his hands sliding up to your ass and then your hips. His mind pays no attention to the pain of the injuries from tonight and he focused solely on you. He's always wanted to be with you, since those days on the streets. It's complicated now, too but not like that.

You pull away first. Your breathing is quickened and an uncontrollable smile pulls at the corners of your lips. "Didn't know you felt that way, Jay." And truly, you never did. The jokes always seemed like jokes but the idea of him and you makes your heart nearly burst.

"Yeah," Jason chuckles softly. And he never thought you liked him, not like that. You always liked to mess with him and played the same jokes. He thought that’s all it ever was. Why wouldn’t it be? But, that never stopped him from wanting something more with you. So, now with confirmation, he takes his shot at it. "You wanna try this out? See where it goes?"

You nod your head, lowering your voice to just above a whisper. "Yeah, I'd like that." You close the distance again, kissing him deeply.

Tag list: @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai  // @makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @mayfieldss // @ghostkingblake // @dgraysonss // @im-done-with-this-im-out // @velvetskies // @vivian-555 // @kebonita // @deyja-the-duck // @jasontoddslover​

[circular-bircular]

I'm putting this blog to rest.

I'm done. I'm out. And god, is it a relief.

You might notice I'm posting this around the same time that SAS is posting a major post in an effort to light the tag on fire. I highly doubt it'll work, but it's the best attempt. Me and SAS are close. Nearly one in the same, some days...

You'll notice the end of the post says, "just wait for what happens next."

This is what happens next.

I'm deleting my syscourse blogs. Finally. No "maybe I will" or "I've been considering it." I've been considering it for a loooong time, and I've actually been intending on getting rid of Circular's-Reasoning for awhile now. I just... haven't had the energy to.

But now... My life is moving on. I'm moving on, quite literally, I gain possession of my new house... probably today when I end up posting this. I'm not sure, it's my first draft, we'll see how this goes. That's terrifying to realize. I'm like... an adult. I'm an adult who's craving good conversations about my disorder, about systemhood and how it's conceptualized, and more intricate parts of my selfhood. And... Syscourse just is not that.

I've done this sort of thing before, if you all know MotCR -- @memoriesofthecircularroom, for the uninitiated. That's the OG Circular Blog, and is an archive of the first few years of syscourse. But... Now, it's going to become a bit more. Here's my game plan.

I update MotCR to be the Circular Archive. Anything I think needs archiving -- good posts of mine, silly reblogs, or just good posts overall where I added something of my own -- will get reblogged there. It's gonna be busy for a bit.

In the meantime while I start that process, I answer any and all final questions/asks or drafts that've been in the works. I don't want to leave people hanging.

I delete a lot of blogs. And... I do mean a lot -- not even just the syscourse ones. Just the ones I think it's time to let go of.

I've often teased how many blogs I have. It's fluctuated wildly in the past. But here's the down and dirty. Here's what I own, and what I'm planning on removing.

@circular-bircular (Hi, Hello, You're Here)

@circulars-reasoning (Already planned to be gone awhile ago)

@systemquirks (I just don't have the energy to run it, and I'm so sorry for that)

@yourfaveissecretlysas (Yes, I am the one running that)

@system-confessions (Surprise! No name blog that barely exists, again, I don't have the energy)

@debunkingsyscourse (Look, I make these too easily)

@equalsys (Not sure how this is a shocker to anyone)

@ricejustdidthings (An old system-no-syscourse blog I have that I don't use anymore)

@my-systems-cringe (Been meaning to delete this for ages)

@circulars-answers (Unneeded)

And potentially one other, unnamed for now blog -- that's the one I've never told people I have outside of select discords...

So that's 11 blogs I'm getting rid of, potentially more. And that's with me still keeping 2 syscourse blogs and an 18+ system blog. Jesus christ.

It feels good to get it off my chest, though. It feels really good to be leaving.

"But Circ! Your posts make me happy!"

Fantastic! You can follow the new system blog I'm going to be making, @thecircularsystem (is that link working? I don't know, it's a brand new blog.)

Try this link out instead if that doesn't work!

I'm still going to be posting system related content there. I'm still going to be doing my normal random shit that I always do. I may even dabble in syscourse -- and definitely in sysconversation. I like that tag! But I'm not going to be doing syscourse nearly as often, and I'm going to try and stay out of that tag in search of reblogs and such. Too often, it results in me getting aggressive with someone, rather than just... spreading good information about systems, or existing online as I want to exist.

I just need a refresh. A new step, a big change. I'm moving on.

I really hope you all can too <3

[cloangi]

Get to know me 🔥

**Post may be updated every so often to change wording, to add/delete things, etc

--------------------

Part 1 of Bio - Information for starters⤵️

Fine to interact:

Under my age (15)

A bit over 18

A furry (not the gross kind though. Just the ones who dress up for fun)

Part of LGBTQ+

Overall everyone is welcome‼️

Do NOT interact (I seriously dont want any sort of conflict here):

Homophobic

Transphobic

Racist (if you're going out your way to harass people and be an overall bitch that is)

Phobia against any religion

Into sick activities (you already know what I mean by this 😐)

Against the military in any way (We get the whole propaganda stuff, but don't hate people who are active duty, in the reserves, etc. If someone wants to join, don't hate on them and spread death threats, its sad to see some people sre actually like this)

---

If I see any of yall tweaking out or being problematic over some shit, don't be surprised if I block your ass from here 💀🙏. I'm tryna keep this a "good vibe" type place. And keep in mind that I tolerate most types of behavior, and I literally never block people (very high and bold emphasis on "never").

So if I do happen to block you, you done messed up.

---

General things about me:

15 years old

I'm AROACE 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

ENTJ personality type

Only do art as a hobby (so no money taking or commissions people)

Art consists of my fandom fixations

You can refer to me as either my username or the names Baaz and Keegan. Either one works, I don't care.

Extra: Besides posting low quality drawings of my fixations, I mostly reblog art or anything I can find of the fandoms/fixations I'm in (or know a bit about), such as art, memes, and such. Or you can find some random art that isn't related to any fandom reblogged on here.

(Adding onto the paragraph above): You can find a lot of my art (at least right now) in the "#cod ghosts" tag and the "#r6siege" tag. So if you wanna get a taste of my work you know where to do

I am fine with people + mutuals sending me DM's‼️ Just don't make it weird (you already know what I mean by that 💀)

Also, please do send me asks 🙏‼️. I enjoy responding to them and sadly never get any 😔

---

Note: You can make offensive + dark humor jokes (at least with me in the ask box or DM's) I'm into that shit. Can be racist jokes, sexist, sexual in some way, or whatever. Insulting me in any way doesn't affect me in the slighest as long as it's a joke. The more offensive the better—so go all out (not S/A though, that's something that even I'll never joke about).

---

Social stuff:

Quora Account - [Place where I've spent most of my time online, around 4-5 years or so. I post random things of me yapping of all topics or things I've found/seen].

--------------------

Part 2 of Bio - Fixations⤵️

The list below is color coded based on the fandoms I'm fixated on, or I just like

Orange = Fixated

Green = Like

Rainbow 6 Siege - Don't have the console to play the actual game so I watch it instead.

Call of Duty - Certain campaigns in it, mostly COD Ghosts though (Yes, I have played the OG versions of some of the campaigns on the old ps3 we have, and I do play MP Cod Ghosts).

Hell Divers 2 - Like R6S, I don't have the actual console itself to play it but it's on my wishlist and I really like the concept of the game, plus the community seems pretty fire.

Eddsworld - Used to have a HUGE fixation on this fandom, prob for up to 1-2 years (shit had a strong grip on me)

My Little Pony - I'm surprised this fandom is absolutely booming now. Watched the entire show (forgot everything though 💀), I love the art the fandom makes though, including the AU's.

Saiki K - Started to rewatch it again since I forgot the whole storyline 💀🙏

The Amazing Digital Circus - Caught up on all episodes

Demon Slayer - Watched all seasons

The Amazing World of Gumball - Havent really watched it much, but I really like it including the fan base

Into the Spiderverse - Have never read the comics, but movie-wise I like it

...Damn, you still reading? I mean if you're interested go ahead and drop a follow to this thing (you're likely gonna forget this account anyways, so free follow for me mwhahaha).

[drdemonprince]

How do you use Tumblr? Other than answering questions... How often do you like posts? What about reblog? I'm coming from Twitter and I can't wrap my head around likes vs reblog. Only like two people follow me anyway, so I'm not really signal boosting differently with reblog. Idk I keep overthinking this website

my dog, welcome! dont think about any of this..just be chaotic with it.

post as often as you like. random thoughts, hyperfixated rants, photos of things youve been reading, hyper niche fetish content, whatever, and do it all mixed together. except for really high concept blogs where someone is playing a character or serving as a museum old posts, almost no one sticks to a narrow posting theme here. everybody mixes their most freakish niche or personal shit in with anything else they write or make or wanna share.

reblog hundreds of times a day if you want. thats normal. reblogs are the main way to interact and to show support. there is a post queue for anything you want to spread out.

use reblogs to add commentary too! reblogs with added comments / reactions is not rude on here the way quote tweets is. not understanding that last part got me in trouble on twitter ahaha. here we dont give a fuck. contribute to the ongoing conversation! people also write whatever the hell in the tags, for a kind of sotto voce commentary on the post

a like doesnt do anything but give the OP a notification. w replies, the OP will see the reply and so will anyone who chooses to check the notes but only a subset of people will do that. sometimes people have bizarre unrelated conversations and role plays in the notes. every feature gets used in a playful / annoying way on here on purpose so feel free to get creative with how you use it.

have fun out there!!!

[cilil]

Hi! I'm curious, what is it that you don't write about anymore because of people arguing about it in the fandom? I find it really sad that some people are so negative that they suck the fun and joy out of others as well 😮‍💨

Hey anon, appreciate you taking the time to message :)

While I totally get the curiosity (I'm a curious kat myself), I'll have to respectfully decline answering your question and won't tag or mention any specific characters, ships or anything concrete in this post.

I'm sorry, but I think that would just be adding to drama and negativity which is something I've always tried to avoid; yes, I'm human, I have emotions and opinions sometimes, but y'know. Trying to keep this space as chill and positive as I can.

Suffice it to say, there are some nasty attitudes I've come across one too many times, be it the bashing of certain characters, random stupid (I said what I said) infighting about how ships should and shouldn't be shipped, people being dismissive and sometimes outright nasty about new people joining communities, shit like that. And when that happens too often, well, the river of creativity runs dry. This is why certain fandoms are bleeding creatives, especially authors - just saying.

If anyone here can guess from what I'm saying in this post what I might be referring to - that's fine. Can't stop you. You can come vent to me in private if you want, but I'm turning off reblogs so nobody tags anything and would ask that nobody put any specifics in the comments either. Idk, I don't feel like being part of it today. Sorry to disappoint.

To end this off on a positive note though, don't worry about me. If I don't feel like actively writing for a ship/character/fandom at present, that can be a bit frustrating for me, but I'm pretty good at never losing my passion for the characters, ships and universes themselves. I just need a break from some things sometimes and let me tell you, in the meantime I already have other things that make me immensely happy to write.

One of which I'll go back to now, actually. Sorry for rambling, y'all take care and have a good one🖤

[anthraxplus]

forgive me for writing so much about tumblr but i have a lot of thoughts

here's the thing about tumblr. i've found it interesting how we continue to call our profiles our "blogs" even though they function differently to the common idea of a blog (like livejournal). but in a way, calling our profiles our blogs makes sense. they're our place to post things we've made or repost content we like. it's more personal than twitter, which has an "information" or "discourse" lens applied to it. the focus on twitter has increasingly been to encourage sharing of information (i.e news or opinions). tumblr's focus has always (afaict) been to encourage sharing of our creations, kinda lumping blogging in there as "self expression" or something to that effect. technically speaking, artists should be more at home on tumblr than on twitter.

but people using their blog as ONLY a blog (no reblogs, just their thoughts or creations - like a livejournal) are in the minority on this site, right? make no mistake, i follow tons of artists who use their blog in a very focused way, but mostly we're all reblogging other people's posts, putting their art on our blogs and riffing in the tags on people's jokes. it is very much a site of Content, Things To Share. the fact that we can blog on here almost feels oddly secondary. but, ok. tumblr is a site for people to post their creations/content, and said content finds an audience through being discovered or reblogged.

so why is it so damn hard to find anything?

like, ok, obviously we can do that. type words into the search bar and you will definitely find posts. but dont you often wonder why the hell some posts showed up in your search and others didnt?

you're telling me filtering searches by top posts of all time isnt showing me the post that has this exact string of text (+- punctuation), but is showing me posts that... have those words in them, scattered, and sometimes not even that exact word ("piss" vs "pissing")?

what about when you try to search for a word or phrase that you KNOW is on a blog in some post, but searching for it brings up NOTHING? i just had to deal with this when searching someone's blog for a specific post i had just seen on my dash - i can only imagine tumblr told me no such post existed because it wasnt tagged with that word.

and all of this feels so obviously wrong, right? even without tags, we should be able to search for words or phrases in a more reliable way on both the site and our blogs. i dont think im alone in the thought that the search function is almost useless - even if it gives me what im looking for sometimes, it can be a struggle, and mostly it just doesnt feel worth it. this is how we can keep ourselves in insular circles and struggle to break out of them. it is literally easier to do this than it is to find new shit.

so, yknow, staff isnt wrong when they say this:

tumblr does need growth, but not necessarily by attracting new users (though, idk, i wouldn't mind that). tumblr needs internal growth. this site is stuck in the early 2010s in a way that is baffling to me, and it has continuously failed to adapt to its userbase's needs in a way that honestly doesnt make sense, and when they do change something, it just ends up causing more strife between staff and users.

so, for example: tumblr needs money to keep functioning, obviously. the common practice is to have ads on the site. but oops, the ads suck and everyone hates them. ok, allow users the option to pay to get rid of ads. but oops, a lot of people dont want to give money to the site that continuously breaks itself (among many other complaints). ok, meet users in the middle and allow them to pay to advertise their stuff - this should be, like, the perfect mix of everything, right? being able to advertise your content on the content site? but oops, this is only a good option because finding new content is so goddamn hard that random people shoving their posts onto your dash is the only remaining viable option. when you have to rely on pure chance/luck for your posts to even be found, even when you do everything in your power to increase their visibility, you're not gonna want to stay here.

i feel like addressing the search function should be the staff's top priority before they implement anything else. we need to be able to find content on the content site. i think thats pretty obvious. once it works the way it already should have, then they can worry about what comes after. i think people feel this animosity with staff because we're struggling to continue to use this site while they struggle to find ways to get money out of us. i think if people felt they could actually use tumblr in the way it intuitively feels like it should be used, that kind of animosity would be more rare*. but until we get that, any change to the site is going to feel wrong.

fwiw though, i'm glad to see staff say that the site basically doesn't work. like. goddamn. took them long enough. i just hope (probably baselessly) that their acknowledgement of this issue will lead to some fixes that benefit the foundational usage of the site.

*yes, there is animosity towards staff for other reasons - like, yknow, how innocuous selfies of trans women get flagged as "mature" (among other things) - but that's an issue of culture/enforcement and not necessarily the raw function of the site, so i feel like it's best suited for a different post

tl:dr PLEASE FIX THE FUCKING SEARCH FUNCTION, IT NEVER SHOULD'VE BEEN ALLOWED TO BE THIS BAD AND I THINK ITS ISSUES HAVE BEEN A MAJOR REASON FOR TUMBLR'S STEADY DECLINE

[cathsith]

Hi, reddit people. I hope you're encountering more friendly people than douchey people.

There's a shit ton of useful and thorough guides that provide instructions on how to use the site. This is more of a "shit that's good to know, in no particular order" type of guide

Random thoughts:

💠 Profile: put whatever you want, as long as you put something. It's up to you what you want to share. Just practice common sense internet safety.

💠 People have some really, um, interesting names here, many NSFW. Personally, I think it's hilarious to reblog deep social commentary from someone with a porny name, but if you're concerned about having that on your blog, maybe make sure to check.

💠 I'm sure some of you are old enough that maybe you were on livejournal and are still mourning its loss. I miss it too, especially for fandom. Your best bet at recreating some of that experience is to find creators you like (many fic writers include their Tumblr on their ao3 profile or fics) and following and interacting with them here.

💠 You can either comment on or reblog posts if you want. Some people seem to have *opinions* as to whether it's better to comment or reblog but it sort of seems like a generational divide. I decide which one to do based on how much I want to add and if it's particularly interesting, well thought out, and/or funny.

💠 A lot of people talk about how likes are useless, but I personally think it's a YMMV type of thing. For a while I tried to keep my likes limited to things I wanted to save, since you can't save posts here unless you bookmark it on your browser. But I also tend to like personal posts or reblogs from mutuals as a mark of support. Yes, you should reblog art to boost the artist's exposure. And no one does what they should do every time and I'm sure artists still like getting likes even if they'd prefer reblogs.

💠 Some people have started putting DNI (do not interact) in their info on their blogs and may get mad if you reblog from them. Sometimes people reblog stuff that you like and then you find out that you strongly disagree with their politics/beliefs etc. No one sensible expects you to vet every single person you reblog and if anyone puts up a fuss, you can probably safely ignore them unless they report you for abuse. I've never heard of that happening.

💠 You can contact people two ways: asks and messages. Asks have a word limit and if you go past it, will broken up and may be sent in reverse order. Asks also allow you to be anonymous. People can reply publicly or privately. If you want it to stay private, you should probably state that. If you are anonymous, obviously the response can only come publicly. Messages are essentially chats. A lot of people are cool with getting messages, but I personally am too awkward to use them except with mutuals. (But I'm totally cool with getting them, if you are so inclined)

💠 Mutuals: some people follow others back everytime, some never do. But there's a funny thing where we (tumblr people) get deeply attached to mutuals even if we've never had an actual conversation beyond a comment or two. It's a thing, but a nice thing.

💠 There are a couple famous people hanging around. They're great and surprisingly good at tumblr. Be cool.

💠 Blaze posts are relatively new. You can pay like $10 to have your post shown to people like an ad. Some people use it to advertise their etsy or personal store site, but plenty of people also post pictures of their pets or reminders to drink water or hopes that you have a good day. I usually enjoy them but they're fairly unobtrusive if you don't.

💠 Because there isn't much of an algorithm here, ads can be really random and really strange. You can get rid of ads entirely with a paid account. I think that includes blaze posts but I'm not positive.

💠 Tags here are weird. They fall into a few categories:

🔹 Subject tags: fandoms, music, sports, current events, medical or psychological conditions, history, science, etc

🔹 Warning tags: they're obviously not required, but they're not hard to add and are really important for a lot of people. Sometimes they're posted as "cw: warning" or "tw: warning" but sometimes it's just the warning itself. Just do your best. If you see something tagged "unreality" it means that what you're reading isn't real, but may be presented as if it is. This is (to the best of my knowledge) a warning for people with delusional disorders. It's also generally acceptable to request that someone add a content warning.

🔹 Personal tags: people come up with tags they use on their own blogs for categorization. Some of them are pretty clever. If something is just tagged "personal" then it's considered rude to reblog unless the poster says it's okay.

🔹 Conversation tags: I've been here for ages, but I still don't know the origin of "talking in the tags." Whatever the reason, we do it a lot here. Sometimes it's a quick reference or quip, sometimes it's a dissertation. The longer the tags, the more entertaining they tend to be. If you see a screenshot of tags, that means that they have undergone "peer review"and deemed important or funny enough to be moved into the post itself. It's a high honor.

💠 Tumblr holidays - I think this list has most of them

💠 There is some AMAZING original fiction and artwork here, some of which has been deemed Tumblr Folklore. Check out this list

💠 Okay I'm gonna stop now because I keep adding shit and I've had this draft going for almost 24 hours now and I would like my tumbr app back now

Hope somebody finds this helpful! Feel free to say hi if you want

[hyperfixation-tangentopia]

Pinned post? Pinned post! It only took me 7 months I'm right on time! Anyway -

(If you've been here for a while you can safely ignore this, I just wanted to have something.)

What to call me: HT, Hyper, Hyperfixation, Tangent, I don't care. I'll answer to anything as long as I know you're talking to me.

Pronouns: He/it/they/she and anything under the sun! Preferences fluctuate but as a general rule I don't care much.

Tags

Don't expect proper tagging here, I'm not one for organization, but a few I've used in the past -

#ht overthinks - If you want some theories, rambles, and random shit I think is interesting in the shows I watch, you'll probably find that here.

#ht go to sleep - My sleep schedule is crap. Here's the evidence.

#tealstars - This is unreliable, but my LMK Tealstars AU! I do have a post with links for it further down though, if you want something easier.

#crossover au - This is more unreliable, but a LMK x TOH Crossover AU. Links further down, again.

Tealstars AU - A LMK AU where I take the other two celestial primates and make them Chikao and Tongbi, the chaos gremlin and space monkey.

AUs and OCs

@hyperfix-tangented is where most of the AUs/OC is now (well. Will be.)

Crossover AU - A borderline abandoned LMK AU where the LMK cast is thrown into the TOH universe upon Mei getting the Samadhi Fire. (I lost the posts -_-)

Apocalyptic Twins AU - A Future!ROTTMNT AU where Mikey adopts two Krang Mutants into the Resistance, and shenanigans ensue.

Mikey AU - An AU I haven't shared on here yet, but I love and am working on and will put here so I don't forget to add it later.

SOD OCs - Also stuff I haven't shared. Also something I'm putting here purely so I don't forget.

Other Stuff

My main blog is @ghostshadowmx (though I don't use it for anything besides saving writing resources, and in the past I posted a couple LMK fanfics there)

You can talk to me! Will I respond in a timely manner? That depends on if I remembered to unpause Tumblr, or if I went to bed before 5 AM the previous night.

You can tag me! However! Keep in mind I have limited spoons and my motivation will take me 50 different directions and in the direction of that tag game is unlikely to be one of them! This does not mean I don't care or appreciate it, this just means my body/brain is shit <3

I have several tags filtered! I have a lot of "reblog this/please reblog/etc." filtered out and will not always click through anyway! Please do not mistake this as me not caring or supporting anything, I use this blog as a place to destress and distract and so I try to avoid reblogging things that will upset or trigger me.

I am anxious as fuck! If I take a long time to reply when I'm clearly online without explanation, talk weirdly, am being awkward, etc., there's a high chance I'm being socially anxious and freaking out. It's nothing personal, so please be patient with me ^^

I am part of a system! I'm usually the only one on this blog so outside of DMs (maybe) it likely won't come up, but an alter runs @the-demon-hiding-under-your-bed and I have no filter, so it's easier to have this here on the odd occasion I do reference it. I'm also a ghost :3

My hyperfixations do switch around! This does not mean I've abandoned a project or fandom, or will enjoy stuff from there any less. It just means I'll ramble about something else more, and might put said project on pause for a little bit until I come back and figure out wtf I was doing again.

My Ao3 is under GhostshadowMX! As of the current moment it consists of a LMK one-shot, a LMK fanfic my brain refuses to work on, and three angsty ROTTMNT one-shots where I refuse to Leo or Mikey a break <3 I may or may not make a post when I post something, I am super anxious about sharing my writing and often need reassurance before feeling confident enough to tell people it's there.

I will vanish for literally days at a time! In this instance, you can usually reach me on Discord (if you have me added there), as it's more likely than not me getting distracted by something. If I vanish off Discord without warning, then please do not worry. I probably just decided to isolate for a little bit and forgot to tell anyone.

PFP and Banner is by @/mythicalmagical-monkeyman (don't wanna bother but also go look at their funnies)

Anything else I can't remember right now, and this is probably too long anyway! So! Yeeup! Hope this wasn't too much lol, waves

Old pinned post

[schnaf]

@loveyouhomex tagged me, thank you ♥

1. Why did you choose your url?

short version: i used it on another site before. long version: one time, when i was really bored at school, i doodled some animals and everything felt normal, but then i realized the animal i doodled wasn't a regular animal but a sheep - snail hybrid - a schnaf in german, if you will. a few days later, i decided to make a new account on my first (and up to that point only) fanfic site because after one year, i felt like i needed a new start. but it felt rather temporary - i left the old account after not that long either and i thought i'd stay on the new account even shorter. so i just picked a random name - the animal i came up with a few days before. joke's on me, it became my identity.

2. Any side blogs?

yeah, i have a football side blog where i posted pics i took at matches, i have a side blog for a former fandom but i lost interest in it as soon as i created the side blog so... sorry, no new side blogs for fandom, i'm a one blog mess once again ♥ also several shared blogs for projects and stuff

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

i deserve senior discount and stuff, it's been a bit over 11 years now

4. Do you have a queue tag?

i once used a word, then i used q, then i decided to just let people know EVERYTHING is on queue here. also if i'm actually online and posting... no i'm not ♥

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

a friend of mine had tumblr and she always sent me posts of cute animals and footballers and one day i was like "ah imma join the source" - again, it didn't feel like a big decision and i didn't think it'd last that long

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

it's a screenshot from this video

gaon was insane for this. that's all.

7. Why did you choose your header?

it's from the hair cut mv and it's just such a peak scene....... THE VIBES THE COLORS the two pretty bois hehe. added bonus is gaon's "welcome" but well, couldn't put that into a gif.

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

it's a sernando gifset 😭😭 a friend back then was like "oh there was a sernando moment right now" so i looked it up immediately and was like "you know what? imma make a gifset right away" and it still gets notes nowaday, even though it was such a short moment and rather low effort

9. How many mutuals do you have?

almost all the people i follow are mutuals, that's very nice ♥

10. How many followers do you have?

quite a bunch ♥

11. How many people do you follow?

a few less than follow me

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

have i ever not made a shit post

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

too often

14. Did you ever have a fight / argument with another blog?

👀 why would i, the most peaceful person on this webbed site, have an argument, let alone a fight, with someone on here. so yeah the answer is yes

15. How do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog posts’?

the good old "reblog this or you're a shitty person" stuff sucked, but it almost died out? it got a little revival through the polls tho. currently, there are those instructions how to be a good blogger and how to avoid looking like a bot and it's like reblog stuff!!!! and oof. i mean it's valid but it's pretty annoying. also i don't want people to reblog stuff bcs they feel like they have to - they should do it on their own will. for example, sometimes, i feel like network people only reblog each others post and compliment each other because they have to (or feel like they have to) and oof that's pretty annoying. but 🐸☕

16. Do you like tag games?

it may not look like it because it takes me such a long time to answer them, but there's a reason why i keep them in my likes and answer them even after a long time ♥ so yesss!

17. Do you like ask games?

same as above!

18. Which of your tumblr mutuals is tumblr famous?

you shouldn't be famous on tumblr

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i heard they're all on tumblr, that's pretty embarrassing, so... no ://

20. Tags

@jcamilov06, @blacks-phoenix, @sunshine304, @ker-sunshine, @eyes-of-simha, @xjungsu, @todaviia, @manuelmueller, @chipsyio and @jorzuela - do itttt ♥

[makoza]

Ayo!

Fun New Thing!: If you can guess where the quote in my description came from we can be friends.

Making a quick pinned cause I have noticed that I've been getting a few people following me around here and I just wanna let people know what they might be getting into by doing so.

First off, hi! My name is Michael and welcome to my main tumblr blog. This is basically my anything goes blog where if I vibe with a post I reblog it. Please be aware that I am random as shit. One reblog might be something like art or writing advice and the very next one might be talking about sex positivity. My interests are as varied as the stars and be forwarned I tag basically fucking nothing. Fast reblog is my life on this blog, so just be aware of that when following me.

Please note: If at any point I post something that you want me to add a tag to simply link the post and what tag you need added and I will do so, but please don't expect me to remember to add it every time because, again, 90% of the time I use the fast reblog function.

Some topics you might see on this blog, but are not exclusive:

➤ Shipping Discourse

➥ I am firmly proship. Don't like? Do us both a favor and just block me.

➤ Writing and Art Tips/Advice

➥ I am both an artist and a writer. This stuff is helpful to me and might also be to any of my followers.

➤ Animals

➥ That's it. Just animals. Usually cool color mutations but also just cool facts about them in general as well.

➤ Sex Positivity

➥ This user is very sex positive and as such I might reblog posts about such topics from time to time.

➤ Fandom Things

➥ I am part of many various fandoms so occasionally you might see me reblog something related to those fandoms.

➤ Self Shipping

➥ I am a self shipper. And though I keep those posts primarily to my side, I might occasionally make a post here related to the topic. Cringe culture is dead, so don't like? Don't read.

➥ By the by, please follow my self ship blogs for this topic specifically! @redwingedwolves is my main and @redwingedwolvesafterdark is my 18+ side!

Another thing to note on this blog, as stated in my bio, I am a 25+ adult and as such I do adult things such as cuss and discuss adult topics. If that has the possibility of making you uncomfortable simply block me. Do not, however, DM me, or send me an ask saying how I shouldn't behave in this way as there are kids around. I am aware of this. I am also aware that the tumblr app is listed as 17+ and the site itself is 13+. If there are teenagers here who are mature enough to go on the internet unsupervised, they are mature enough to curate their own internet experiences. This is my blog, I do as I please. Don't like? Block me.

My personal tags are #random shit and #mike-rambles. I use these for basically any and all text posts. Feel free to blacklist them if you don't wanna see my rambling.

Well, I believe that's it for now. If you have any questions my inbox is open.

[bubbytheliverstealingskeleton]

Heyoo Hellooo

I use thon/thons & neos, but they/them is also okay (neos are preferred tho)

My names Bubby but honestly you could call be anythin

I’m a chill guy I think. maybe. kinda. Most of the time I think

I do art, writing, comics, other stuff- I technically can call myself a multimedia artist because a do a lot of stuff with a lot of different materials but idk it also just feels way to fucking formal for like tumblr, all you need to know is I do a bunch of stuf

epic pronouns page -- > my other neos

Im also in the process of making my own website for like a personal portfolio but its no where near done yet. I'll update this with its link when it is actually done

Also

This is my personal blog, I’m still making an art only blog for my stuff but currently it’s not fully set up or anything so I’ll update this when I do have one

I do have a nsfw-ish blog tho, also still setting that up but it won’t be trapped in limbo like the art blog I just gotta theme the bastard

Table of contents I suppose

My Tags

DNI/BYF

Main/Special interests + sub catagories + favorite little guys/ships in each

My oc shit

Au's for all my fandoms

Anything else to be added

My tags:

- #my art, my artwork n doodles, all that stuff

- #my projects, for random projects I have

- #bastard can talk, my talking/rambling tag

- #bastard of a skeleton, my sona/me

- #Bitching to my crowd of jesters, my venting/bitching tag

- #webtrinkets, my little collection of web things that I’ll prolly put on my website

- #keeping this for later, things I’m keeping for later/ later use

- #.wip, tag for my WIPs

- #.headcannons, for my headcannons

- #.ask, ask tag

- #fave, favorite things, I’ll go back through my reblogs sometime and put more in there eventually

- #boomer/#hlvrai boomer, the boomer tag is for things I’ve reblogged that are the boomers, hlvrai boomer tag is for my art I’ve done of them

Block any of these if you want

DNI

[Do not Interact]

- basic dni [pedos, racists, generally against LGBTQIA+, bigots, y'know]

- assholes

- not saying anything about proshipping because like idk man I ain’t touchin’ any of that shit, pro or anti, or any of that drama with like a fucking 300 foot pole. If I don’t like you I’ll block you simple as that I don’t care who you are or your stance or any of that shit

Again not touching it with a fucking 300 foot pole not even pokin’ it

BFY

[Before you follow]

little warning before you follow me:

- I don't tag most things I reblog so there wont be trigger or content warning tags on them, its my house I chill here uh sorry. I do tag trigger and content warnings on things I post myself.

- I mass reblog things a lot

- also to go with the above, this is not just an art blog. This is my personal blog I use for everything so if you follow me for art only you uhh might not want to. You will see me complaining and randomly doing shit

- I reblog and occasionally post nsfw. I dont post porn (also technically against tumblr rules or smthin idk man I rarely ever draw it anyways) but there is artistic nudity, some of my reference sheets have nude base bodies with tits 'n junk, any suggestive stuff will be going on the nsfw blog + some darker stuff Im too much of a pussy to post here

- I have certain ships and things I like, if you don't like them then be wary I guess just, like, don't be an asshat about what I like

- I generally don’t check blogs of people who follow me unless you look like a bot. Don’t look like a bot and you don’t get blocked.

- I will say I block freely and will block for any reason but that’s normally if I like find you in the wild. Like. In a tag or on my dash or smthin. Again I generally don’t block if your just looking at my shit

- To go along with that I used to/am kinda in fandoms or watching the media that is attached to them. Such as DSMP or Hazbin Hotel, those two for examples because they specifically are like in so many fucking dni lists I see and also because they do appear on my fandom list [they have explanations attached tho]

Main/Special interests in order + sub categories:

+ my favorite little guys and my ships

Minecraft

- MCYT: Minecraft YouTubers

- MCSM: Minecraft Story Mode [Ivor, Soren, Aiden, Petra, Romeo, Isor [ivor x soren], Jestra [Jesse x Petra], lukden [Aiden x Lukas], [Romeo x Fred], theres also probably other ones]

- HC: Hermitcraft [Grian, Mumbo, Iskall, Xisuma, EX, Grumbot, Grumbo [Grian x Mumbo], Architects [Grian x Mumbo x Iskall], Hex [Hels x EX] treating everyone as characters, im not shipping the cc’s together]

FNAF: Five Nights at Freddy's [Michael Afton, Nightmare Foxy, Music Man]

- DSAF: Dayshift at Freddy's [Dave, Jack, basically the main cast of DSAF 3 because they are all awesome, davesport [dave x jack[oldsport]]]

FO: Fallout

- FNV: Fallout: New Vegas + its cut content [Benny [Gecko], Dr. Mobius, Yes Man, Victor, Yesvic [Yes Man x Victor], Bencade [Benny x Arcade Gannon], Kingcade [Arcade Gannon x The King], Benny x The Courier]

- FO4: Fallout 4 [unfortunatly][not really][It was the first fallout game I played I still love it][my own copy is fucked up by mods tho] [Paladin Danse, Nick Valentine, Danse x Sole Survivor, Nick x Sole, Danse x Nick, Danse x Nick x Hancock]

Ninjago [Lord Garmadon, Morro, Lloyd [specifically like the first 5 seasons for lloyd and first 4 for garmadon], i-its- my ninjago ships are complicated and all interwoven for the most part so heres the simple ones, emperor garmadon x vinny, past!Garmadon x Clouse, Pythor x Scales, Greenflower [lloyd x brad] but in a queerplatonic way]

HLVRAI: Half-Life but the AI is Self Aware [This isnt under HL1 because I veiw these two as different things][All of the cast is great but specifically: Dr. Coomer, Bubby, Boomer [Bubby x Coomer], Goomby [Bubby x Coomer x Gman], Gubby [Bubby x Gman], and like a complicated polycule between Tommy, Gordon, Benry, Forzen, and Darnold]

HL1: Half Life 1 [Walter/Glasses model, Einstein Model, Gman, Headcrabs, Houndeyes, Snarks]

- OF: Opposing Force + BS: Blueshift [Adrian Shephard and Barney Calhoun despite being technically silent, BS: Walter, In my heart I believe that my solider oc Carol is cannon in every variation of hl media, she is the radio operator you find in OF that's radioing the instructions you hear in HL1 during the airstrike puzzle]

- HL1 Beta [the earlier models are all funny little guys]

- USS Darkstar

- FM: Freemans Mind [Gordon Freemind is really the only guy here but I do like him]

- generally a lot of HL1 related stuff [sorry hl2 fans but I like this ones gameplay and style more]

- GF: Gravity Falls [Stanley, Fiddleford/Old man McGucket, Standford, Bill I guess, all of the cast is great but my favorites are mostly the old guys, Fiddlestan [Fiddleford x Stanley], Fiddauthor [Fiddleford x Stanford], Billford [Bill Cipher x Stanford], no idea what their ship names are > Dipper x Pacifica + Mabel x Pacifica]

specifically 90’s, 80’s, and 50-60’s Sci-Fi

space, Ocean creatures

Other things that I’ve been interested in, in the past + not main/special interests:

Genloss

BATIM: Bendy and the Ink Machine [Sammy Lawrence, Norman Polk/The Projectionist, Alice Angle/Susie Cambell, Henry Stein, Sammy x The Projectionist, Alice x Allison]

HL2: Half-Life 2 [Barney Calhoun, Isaac Kleiner, Lamarr, Kleiner x Eli Vance but in a sad way]

THSC: The Henry Stickmin Collection

TF2: Team Fortress 2

Titanfall 2

Ultrakill

Trollhunters

UT: Undertale

HH: Hazbin Hotel - I fixated on Hazbin Hotel for a time but it was only because I really wanted to redesign them and I kinda wanna know what happens in the show im sorry dont fucking dogpile me im just curios

DSMP: Dream SMP - also Dream SMP back in 2021, I don’t generally interact or have anything to do with this fandom anymore and don’t really care I’m just trying to make a comprehensive list of my fandoms

DBH: Detroit Become Human - this is also another controversial one, I don’t interact with the fandom, I’ve never played the game, and I understand the criticisms for it, I just like the characters and the idea the plot was attempting

Again please don’t be a dickwad to me about fandoms/content I’ve liked or enjoyed before if you don’t like it then just like Leave??? You don’t go up to random people in the street and insult them for liking something just cause you overheard them talking about it like with a friend or someshit

My oc shit:

I don’t have all of these tagged or anything and I’ve not even uploaded stuff for some of these yet

TOW - The Ocean Waves to Me Outside the Windows - my main oc story that I’m trying to turn into a comic, it’s Sci-fi merpeople, mostly

Abbreviation: TOW

Tag: #The Ocean Waves to Me Outside the Window

——

Mincera Universe - Minecraft but it’s space and planets, TOW, DS, +EXDS takes place inside this universe, once I actually post stuff the Mincera tag will be on all stuff in the universe

No abbreviation right now

Tag: #Entire Mincera Universe

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DS - Dead Stars - Minecraft space but focased on an Enderian runaway royal and their experiment criminal boyfriend

Abbreviation: DS

Tag: #Dead Stars

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TKC - To Kingdom Come - My other main oc story with also happens to be Minecraft which revolves around the two protagonists Akki and Lucie except one of them is also an antagonist

Abbreviation: TKC

Tag: #To Kingdom Come

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GDLT - Guarding Dogs Lose Themselves - Consisting of Lost Dog, Dog Tags, and Dog Fight, it’s my main fallout 4 oc’s, RT/Paladin Rattail’s, backstory

Abbreviations: GDLT, LD, DT, DF

Tag: #Guarding Dogs Lose Themselves

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ATKTH - Ain’t that a kick in the head - Consisting of How Lucky Can One Man Be and Ain’t Love a Kick in the Head, aka my fnv courier Coon’s story n stuff

Abbreviations: ATKTH, HLM, ALK

Tag: #ATKTH

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RR - Ram Rot - my stupid little silly little edgy mostly robot guys Altern and Thrasher, little sex bot and War bot guys I made entirely for fun and then proceeded hit them with the angst beam

Abbreviation: RR

Tag: #Ram Rot

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MG - Murderous Ghosts in Abandoned Apartments - my freshmen year English creative writing assignment in which was supposed to revolve into a slow burn story but idk when I’ll pick it back up

Abbreviation: MG

Tag: #MG

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OH - Oleader/Hex/My little guy in VSMP - My little guy for a server I play on, they’re a little mooshroom ex god

Tags: #Oleader/Hex, #VSMP

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EXDS - Extended Dead Stars - it’s just extra DS content from different characters, specifically the only story is revolving around a mer guard named Scourge, and a Vex named Torvus, this stuff is also set in Mincera

Abbreviation: EXDS

Tag: #EXDS

SGM - SciGM - Silly Sci-Fi gmod story I made, I’ll probably make this into a few little comics

Abbreviation: SGM

Tag: #SciGM

More oc stuff to be added in the future, also once I finally post stuff about my ocs, because I am notoriously bad at it, I’ll attach links to the tags

My Aus

This is mostly for tag abbreviations I guess

HLVRAI:

HLVRAIMM: Hlvrai Monster Mash - Halloween guys/ they’re all monsters/creatures

Rotting Code/Rot: code is fucked up and rotting and like game not doin so goodly

HL2au: hl2 au which technically came before the teaser but I revamped it afterwards, fucked up dr Coomer final boss

Alien science team: They all alien boys

Gravity Falls:

5 years late au: Stanley is 5 years late to Gravity Falls

This baby is so much still under construction but I cannot for the life of me remember what else I wanted to put here so yeap this is the end of it

I’ve left this fuckin post in the drafts too long now so it’s gettin posted

I’ll finish it later

[blur-from-the-north]

AI training statement

I don't usually do text posts on this blog, much less random rants.

Anyway, Tumblr recently decided to do a Business Move where they sold image data to AI training companies.

First, I was like "Ha ha ha ha HA! Tumblr really is a good source for that stuff." I mean, this blog of mine is deliberately an outlet of mediocre photography.

To be perfectly clear: This blog is my outlet for publishing photos that i've deemed neat. They're not necessarily my best work. Some may be excellent like that. Some may be good. Some may be not. Many indeed may be not.

So I was kind of torn about this. Should I keep opted in to this shit? Contribute to the eventual model collapse where people ask AIs to generate good pictures with tags "Nikon D780", "Stylistic", "black and white", and end up with random nonsense?

Another thing was that I actually believe in open sharing of my work, and I really don't mind people reblogging my stuff or even sharing my work elsewhere (with proper attribution/back links).

But I ended up disabling the third-party sharing.

Why? Well, primarily, because I didn't consent to that in the first place.

Also, second thing to consider:

I was actually reminded that this thing was a thing when I was watching Super Eyepatch Wolf's The Bizarre World of Fake Video Games. One Tumblr blog mentioned by the author had disappeared. Commenters said that that could have been due to Tumblr's AI policy change.

OK, so there are art blogs in Tumblr that take art much more seriously than I do, obviously. And they might not even be aware of this policy change.

Dammit.

So:

Granted, whatever AI company is foolish enough to download Tumblr data is going to get a whoooooole lot of incomprehensible nonsense shit, outright Content of Halfassery, and Weird Nerd Shit, and go "whoops! Didn't mean to add any of that!"

But they might catch an occasional bit of brilliance.

Without them knowing it.

Tumblr did a booboo. The usual way websites do this stuff is to recognise that users have the ultimate rights under copyright laws, and that the websites ask limited rights to do whatever they need to do to operate technically, and whatever exceptions there are are specified explicitly. Tumbrl's TOS already tried to cover their butt:

You also agree that this license includes the right for Tumblr to make all publicly-posted Content available to third parties selected by Tumblr, so that those third parties can syndicate and/or analyze such Content on other media and services.

An example of what it means to "make all publicly-posted Content available" to a Tumblr partner for distribution or analysis would be licensing the Tumblr "firehose," a live feed of all public activity on Tumblr, to partners like search engines.

...and despite that policy change, this thing was not added to the "examples". The examples are just about things that you expect Tumblr to do as part of third-party integration, like analytics and search engine stuff. Not stuff like, oh, agreeing to send all of the data to AI companies, and adding opt-out feature afterwards. Funny how that works!

Maybe it's high time Tumblr clarified this particular part of TOS. I'm not a lawyer, I'm a software developer nerd an an an amateur artist, I've learned a lot about intellectual property stuff as a consequence, but this stuff is still murky and Tumblr just straight up deciding to "donate" content to AI companies without users' explicit consent is straight up wrong.

[roxtron]

(Updated my pinned post but I was too lazy to just edit this so I just made a new one lol. so. old pinned, it's outdated now, I tried to organize the new one so it's a bit easier on the eyes and looks less like a block of text.)

Hello! Figured I should make a pinned post instead of just pinning the art I'm currently most proud of, you can probably find it by checking top posts on my account anyway lol.

I don't mind what people call me, my username is a bit of a nickname so whatever variation of it is alright. I go by he/they and I'm autistic so if you see me posting about hyperfixations and shit, yeah don't worry I know what the term means lol.

I mostly post art but sometimes I'll do analysis stuff or just say random thoughts, I tend to reblog stuff I find cool but also sometimes political stuff that needs awareness ofc. I try to check blogs before I reblog in case it's a terf or whatever but sometimes you never know, so if i do reblog from someone who's done something shitty don't hesitate to let me know because chances are i probably don't know. also I have a hard time with compliments so sorry if I reblog your work and don't seem enthusiastic about it, if I reblog something it's because I adore it lol, I just don't always know how to put thoughts into words. <3

If you wanna use my art for pfps or anything that's really cool actually!! Ofc I'd ask for credit but if anyone did want a pfp of something I've drawn you can always send me an ask and I'll post a zoomed in version or something or make whatever edit you wanted so you don't need to worry about it lol

I know DNI lists are annoying and pointless but whatever, if there's a chance it'll get people to leave me alone it's worth it. I shouldn't need to list obvious ones like terfs, transphobes, homophobes, all those assholes. But also, if you don't like one of my posts, I'd rather you block me and move on than hate reblog it. It's immature and annoying, and I won't hesitate to block people that do it.

Obviously I don't just mean "if you criticize something I post you're bad," I'm alright with criticism as long as it's respectful, but if you're gonna reblog just to say "look at this idiot" then fuck off.

Sorry about how aggressive that may have been but I don't wanna deal with stuff like that. I wanna try to tag things more properly in the future, even if I'm not really big enough to warrant it, I still wanna be able to find my own stuff easier at least through the sea of reblogs, so if you're curious about any of my posts, here's a list of tags you can look through! I'm currently trying to update some of my old posts with tags so they can be added to the list.

(Small note, keep in mind some of my analysis posts are older and my thoughts may have changed since I wrote them, I don't want to delete them, but if you're curious what I think now you're always welcome to reply on the post or send an ask :) )

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

ADDING TO THIS FOR THE TWITTER MIGRATION:

not sure how many twitter people will find me, but just in case i wanna provide some helpful tips for existing here if you’re stumbling onto my blog!

blocking people is nbd here. like the function is there for a reason, you can just block me/anyone and it’s okay! someone blocking you isn’t drama, it’s just filtering content. same goes for unfollowing

there is no algorithm. you gotta tag stuff and even that usually doesn’t work! honestly you can put a lifetime into a post and it gets 2 notes and then make a 10 second shitpost and get tumblr famous (more on that later) so just. don’t expect anything

everyone can see your tags and comments on reblogs, so just remember that! also, this is less of a rule but when reblogging it’s best to add your commentary by writing via tags instead of adding new text to the post unless you’re super confident in the addition. but try not to intrude on personal posts and be too crazy with people who don’t know you well because it can be uncomfortable and awkward!

despite potential discouragement, PLEASE reblog stuff. please. likes mean nothing, you gotta reblog stuff. bonus points if you add silly tags and compliments and jokes!!!

i know tumblr has politics and discourse holes but like, do not put that shit where it doesn’t belong. not everything needs to be dramatic or about some activist issue, especially in fandoms. obviously spread awareness posts if you fact check them and feel free to be involved with tumblr politics, but don’t push that rabid discourse twitter is infamous for because we don’t want it!

if you get a good ol yar har har 🏴‍☠️ link, don’t go posting it everywhere. please. you will get shit taken down

be all silly and weird and make posts about funny/random intrusive thoughts. you can be cringe here we love that stuff

don’t try to be famous. you don’t want that here. however, if you see a post blowing up, you are heavily encouraged to join in and make op’s life miserable

IGNORE. BRANDS. don’t kung pow penis them, don’t troll them, don’t spam them. ignore them into oblivion. same goes for celebrities but this does not include neil gaiman he is one of us and always has been

do yourself a favour and read up on tumblr memes and history. house arrest bracelet, john green cock, shoelaces, childrens hospital colour theory, bone stealing discourse, child slave user, sonic for real justice, book reading reblog chain, tumblr sexymen criteria, the various stupid holidays, thebootydiaries, denny’s was the og wendy’s twitter moment, etc… just do some google searches and ask some veterans. you will be amused and feel less left out!

OVERALL, just try to adapt, okay? a lot of tumblr talks about keeping twitter people off the site and it’s because we don’t want it to become like twitter here. i was an og tumblr user but briefly left before returning like 3-4 years ago(?) and hey! i had to relearn and update myself on the shit i missed. honestly if you put in your effort to learn how the site works and immerse yourself in the freak ecosystem people won’t have a problem with you. more specifically, i don’t have a problem with you!

Izzy, your sleep schedule is like your gender, it's just (shrug)

wake up babes, new intro post 😈

name is anything from izzy/izzie/maria/mar/bsc/bitch like go for it give me a new name

age: old baby (grad student/tutor/researcher)

pronouns: reread the ask or my bio, it's "fuck around and find out" hours

main facts: i'm very sick but in a fun and quirky way, the resident god of sonic lore, ceo of the dog and the hog, frequent shitposter, language enthusiast, adhd-autism dual diagnosis pack, former substance abuser, and master of music

bonus facts:

- i have a running gag where any time i have to explain something like sonic lore or philosophy i purposely act like a cunt to avoid being labeled as pretentious (satire makes the heart grow fonder)

- i'm deadass too lazy to come up with commission prices so art, fics, headcanons, playlists, or resources you might need such as lore analysis or trivia are FREE! but... at the cost of "when will i post your ask?" so just be aware i never like to rush someone's request, thus putting it off for weeks/months/years until i can do it justice lol

- pms are open at the cost of "i forgor to respond"

- i don't have a DNI it's up to you if you wanna follow/interact with me. any concerns after that are gonna be your problem lmao

- if you put special fun tags or tag rant when you reblog from me i'll love you forever

also, discord server for dog & hog lovers or basically just anyone as long as you're chill w/ it. it's fair to say that all of us are too anxious to literally ever say anything so it's not a very active server so if you're also shy and nervous you won't feel left out we're all like that lmao

[ijustwant2write]

Always Mine-John Shelby x Reader (Part 2)

(GIF credit to @jammesbarnnes​)

Part 1

MASTERLIST

Peaky Blinders Masterlist

Tags: @rebloging-everything​ @rae-you-gotta-be-kidding-me​ @lucrea​ @1000another-random-person-here​

Requested by anonymous: ‘Can i request a part 2 of “always mine” with John Shelby. I was thinking, the reader left Birmingham and she got married to a another man (which John found out about). Her husband recently died. Now she is back, pregnant and looking for a job through Tommy, set a few years later. Instead of John dying, Esme just left cause he couldn’t commit. He wrote, to the reader, several times.Hope it’s not to messy, just an idea☺️’

Characters: John Shelby x Reader,  Ada Shelby x Reader (platonic), Thomas Shelby x Reader (platonic)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

(Y/L/N)=Your last name

Warnings: Death, pregnancy, financial situations, swearing, fluff

                                     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I'm sorry Mrs Brooke, that is all your late husband left you in the will."

The lump in my throat was big, it was starting to hurt as more and more tears flowed down my cheeks. My hands clasped around my baby bump, dreading what would become of us. What was I supposed to do for work? I wouldn't be allowed to return to work, I had left to have this baby, and no where else would take a pregnant woman. We didn't live in a big house, but I still couldn't afford the rent by myself, let alone have enough money to feed me and my unborn child. It wasn't my late husbands fault though, he earned just enough to keep us going, yet we were still happy. However, when a sudden illness came over him, he knew it was coming to an end, yet I refused to believe that were true. He was too young to die, he wasn't even going to meet his first child.

Looking at what money I had left, I sighed as I picked up a pen, already writing to my landlord that I could no longer live here. I wept for hours that night, just as I had since my husband died. It felt like I would dry up at some point, but the tears kept coming. This stress was definitely not good for the baby. I only had one other option, there was only a handful of people I could turn to, and they all lived in the same place.

Travelling whilst pregnant took more energy out of me than I thought it would. I was cautious of the people around me, one hand on my bump, the other tightly clutching my small case. Once I made it out of the station, I seeked out a taxi, luckily finding one that didn't drain me of all my money. He took pity that I was pregnant and alone, charging only half of the fare.

"Miss, you sure you want to get off here? This isn't the nicest or safest place." he asked as I opened the door.

"No, but it's home." I replied, thanking him before shutting the door.

My heart was almost full as I stepped onto the cobblestones. I had missed Small Heath's strange charm. You definitely had to have grown up in this place to love it. I took a deep breath as I headed towards the betting shop, hoping that this added stress wasn't effecting the baby. A drunk stumbled out of the door just as I was about to step inside. He mumbled his apologies, struggling to walk down the street.

Hesitantly stepping in, I wish I could have run straight back out. It was the same, yet so different. It had been furnished with expensive chairs and desks, the men and women working here had finer clothes on (nothing like the customers inside); I was basically in rags compared to them. No one took much notice of me, some turned their heads, wondering why a pregnant woman was in a betting shop. There wasn't a familiar face in sight, until I heard my name being called out.

"(Y/N) (Y/L/N)?" it was Ada. She was dressed in an expensive looking coat, fur trimming the collar, and her hair was in beautiful, short, tight curls."What the fuck happened to you?"

"Ada, you look great." I breathed out as I looked at her.

"You don't." she instantly regretted that."Sorry, I wasn't trying to be mean."

I laughed."No, it's alright. I look like shit."

Her face showed sympathy as she took my hand, guiding me into a big office.

"A lots changed since you left." she said, sitting down on one of the chair opposite the desk. I sat next to her, slowly lowering into the seat."Seems like a lot has changed for you as well."

"How could you guess?"

"I know you're not here for a friendly visit. What happened? I know you're married, is the father hurting you? Or has he left you?"

"No...he, um, he died a few weeks ago."

"Oh, (Y/N) I'm so sorry."

"We buried him last week. Got the will read to me only a few days ago. I have nothing Ada. This was a long shot I know, but no where would take me pregnant, I can't earn any money. I was hoping that I could come work here for a while. I was expecting to be refused, but this is my last chance. If I don't find work, I'll be out on the streets."

"(Y/N)," Ada leaned forward, placing her hand on top of mine,"you wouldn't even have to work. I'm sure Tommy is going to welcome you back with open arms. As would someone else."

"No, I can't not work for the money. And don't, I haven't stopped worrying about seeing him."

"And what would you do? It's not exactly safe here."

"I'll manage. I'm tough, you know that."

Ada sighed."I know you are. Why don't you come back to mine and..."

Her words faded away as the door opened. Tommy halted in the doorway when he spotted me, but only for a second before closing it. I was grateful it was just him and his brothers hadn't tagged along, well, one of them anyway.

"(Y/N), what are you doing here?" he asked as he approached, stopping once again when I stood, revealing my belly to him.

"Hello Tommy, sorry that I haven't come just for a pleasant visit. I actually need a favour."

His eyes flicked down to my bump."Has John seen you yet?"

"Tom." Ada warned.

"It's fine Ada, he's going to see me eventually."

"Are you trouble?"

"Financially Tom, I was just wondering if I could have my old job back for a bit? Or anything at this point."

"You're quite far along (Y/N), I don't think you should be working."

"I'll be sat down all day Tom, what harm could it do?"

Tommy glanced at Ada."Are you running away from something?"

"No, I just explained to Ada that my husband has passed away. I'm a widow."

"I'm sorry. You are still family, you never stopped being family. Do you want to work? Truly? You're not just saying that to be humble?"

I shook my head."No. It would feel like stealing if I didn't earn the money somehow."

"Fine, then you'll work."

Ada stood."Tom-"

"She's a grown woman Ada, she can decide for herself."

"She also doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant, I do."

I turned to Ada."Thank you for the concern, but I know I can do this. I won't overwork myself, don't worry."

"We'll have you tucked away in a corner, away from the customers, you never know what state they're in." Tom explained.

"Sounds good."

"John is coming back any minute. I suggest you get your reunion out of the way, and out of sight. You can both use my office."

"Right." I mumbled, suddenly petrified again.

John was a loose cannon, how was I to know how he would react? Maybe him and Esme were happy now. Perhaps they had settled their differences and now loved one another. It didn't matter to me, but I didn't want him to hate me. That could be his other reaction, full on hatred. He could despise me for not fighting for our love like he wanted me to. I would either have a moderately happy time here, building myself up off of the ground or detest every moment here.

I remained in the chair, waiting for John to arrive. Ada brought me tea, she sat with me for a while until we noticed someones shadow at the door. It was him, he didn't even knock. He opened the door, and I unexpectedly let out a quiet gasp.

He was even more handsome than before. I knew he would age finely, but I was still shocked. And here I was, wearing old clothes that no longer had any brightness to them, my hair a mess and looking fat from pregnancy. He wore a sharp suit, his hair still slicked like the Blinders cut, but the way he had grown into a man...I wouldn't be surprised if women were still listing after him.

"So it's true." he said as he stepped into the room.

Ada left without saying anything, sending me a small smile before shutting the door. We were alone.

"Please stop staring at it." I said, referring to my belly.

"It's fucking hard not to, you're huge."

"You were always great with words."

"It's just this is a bit of a shock. You're back after all these years and...and you're pregnant."

"Yes. I've come back to earn some money. I've explained this twice already but, my husband died. I knew him for a year, we had only been married for half of that. He fell really ill a couple of months ago, and there was nothing the doctors could do to save him. He worked so hard up until he couldn't any longer. He tried to make sure we would be comfortable for a while John, but it didn't work out like that." I started crying again."My baby is never going to know his father. And I can't give them everything I wanted to. Not all the toys, the clothes, the big garden for them to run around in as they grow."

John was quickly by my side, embracing me as much as he could. I welcomed it, not having hugged someone properly for a long time.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have come back, but this was my only option. If you want me to stay away, I completely understand." I sobbed.

"Are you stupid?" John gently said."Sorry, force of habit. Why would I ever be mad at you?"

"Because I left you. And you were so angry the last time I saw you."

He pulled away, making sure I looked at him as he spoke."We both know I was in the wrong back then. I was just scared of losing you. You were right, as you sometimes are, but I couldn't see past that with my temper."

"I still felt terrible when I left. Don't think I wasn't ever heartbroken. It was hard to move on without you. But, my husband, he...he made me happy, and I learnt to love him."

"He was a lucky man. I would have liked to meet him."

"That's very mature of you to say John, but you wouldn't have."

"No, I was saying that to be nice. But I'm sure he was a good man."

"He was. It is cruel that his life had to be taken away so quickly."

"Where are you staying now?"

"Ada said she would put up with me. Hopefully I can earn enough to rent somewhere."

"No, you're not doing any of that. You're living with me."

"I don't think Esme would be too happy about that."

He paused, clearing his throat."Uh, Esme actually left me. A few months ago."

"Oh, John I--"

"Don't be sorry. It worked for a bit but we knew it couldn't last. Somehow she didn't get pregnant, which worked out in the end, meaning she was free to leave with no problems. We're officially divorced too."

"What about the Lee family?"

"They owed us a favour, a big one."

"Oh."

My heart started beating for a different reason. Esme was now out of the picture. Wait, how could I think of such a thing at this moment?!

"I just thought, there's more room at mine. And Ada can sometimes be...well Ada."

"That's very kind of you John. I shall think about it."

"No you won't. You'll stay with me."

I scoffed a laugh."Fine. I suppose it is closer to work too."

"Exactly. Come on, where are your things?"

I pointed to the small case in the corner.

"Is that it?"

I nodded.

"Right, tomorrow we're taking you shopping."

"No John, you don't need to-"

"I do. I'm looking after you now."

John easily picked up my case, holding out a hand to me. It felt slightly wrong to do it, but comforting at the same time. I followed him out, quickly explaining the changes to Ada. John pulled me away before she could say anything, leading me round the corner of the shop. He opened the door of a car, chucking my bag in the backseat before gesturing for me to climb into the passenger seat.

"You've got your own car?" I exclaimed.

"A lot has changed since you were last with me...since you were last here."

John got me settled in quickly, though it wasn't hard since I had partially lived there for a while all those years ago. He had left me for a while to unpack, and I was grateful. I needed some space for a moment. My breathing was heavy as I organised the room. John had given me his room with the double bed, sacrificing his own comfort to sleep in the small spare room. I had been worried he would suggest sharing like we used to. Taking a moment to rest, I sat on the edge of the bed. A quiet knock on the door caught my attention, and I smiled as John poked his head in.

"You alright?" he asked, letting himself in.

"Yes, just taking a breather."

"Need me to get you anything?"

I laughed at his panicked expression."No, I'm fine John. It's just been a lot for me today."

"I suppose it has."

"I'm very grateful for this John. And for Tommy letting me work there again."

"I would do anything for you (Y/N)." he sat beside me, taking my hand and kissing it.

There it was again, the butterflies.

"Sorry," he lowered my hand, but still held it,"it's just, my feelings never went away."

"Neither did mine." I confessed."Oh God, does that make me a bad person?! Does that make me a terrible wife?!"

"No, no, no, no! If it's true, it's not a bad thing."

"I loved him, I really did John! You were always the one though, and it wasn't as if I thought about you during my time with him, he was a great lover and husband. I was incredibly lucky to have him."

"No one is saying that you've already moved on. This is probably healthy getting it all out now, rather than keeping it to yourself for so long."

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah. I'm not doing all of this because I'm trying to get you back, I'm doing it because I care about you."

"It feels like I'm throwing him away now that he's not useful. That's not what I want people to think of me."

"They won't."

"John, do you think tomorrow, perhaps I just go shopping with Ada? I think it will look like that if you're spending your money on me."

He hesitated but agreed."If that's what you want."

"Please, of course I'm appreciative-"

"It's alright (Y/N), I understand."

The next couple of months were extremely hard. I was still trying to process my husband's passing, deal with pregnancy as well as live with my ex lover. Everyone did all they could to help, cooking for me, running errands with me for help and company, taking my mind off of real life sometimes. Working was definitely the right choice, though I was tired it kept me busy and distracted. Although there were some times in the shop itself I had been known to daydream for a few minutes, all because of a certain someone.

John was doting. It was hard to ignore it. He kept his distance from me at times, he always asked if I wanted him in my company or if he could do something as simple as sitting next to me. The last time he acted so sweet was when we were young, and it was only ever towards me, his fiery, sharp words came out for everyone else. But he never pushed it, and he never even asked about my feelings towards him again. I had thought long and hard on them, but the weighing guilt that was on my shoulders always forced those feelings away. And the gossip around town didn't help, I was back to all the horrible nicknames I had gained as a teenager hanging around with a Peaky boy.

"Shit, please tell me you're not going to give birth right now!" John raised his voice as he ran into the front room.

I had groaned from some pain, but I knew I wasn't going into labour."No, I'm fine. But it's good to know you care more about the fucking rug than me."

He chuckled."It was expensive."

I hit his arm, but laughed with him. He helped me sit down on the sofa, still laughing as I tried to reach down to take off my shoes.

"You're too fat to take off your own shoes!"

"I would really appreciate it if you didn't call me fat, I have a baby in me."

He knelt down, taking off my shoes for me."You think you know what it is yet?"

"Pol reckons it's a boy. I had a feeling it was too."

He grinned, placing his hands on the bump."I always wanted a boy."

"We always wanted a boy." I dared to say.

He looked up at me."Yeah, we did."

"We used to have arguments about how many we wanted. You always said five-"

"And you always said two!"

"Have you ever heard what sort of experience birthing is? I might not even want another one after this."

"You will. I've seen you with kids, you're an absolute natural. I used to love watching you with them."

My eyes flicked down, feeling myself blushing."John, we need to talk about...us."

"Mm?"

"It hasn't been long since my husband passed, so this still feels wrong to say but...but all those feelings I had for you when we were younger, the love I had for you, I still feel it. And it feels like I'm betraying him and my baby by saying that, but I can't keep it bottled up any longer. I love you. I love you so much. And I would still be saying all of this even if I hadn't been in a financial situation. I know you feel the same. But if you don't want me once I have my son I understand. It will all change, the baby will be the focus. And I'm not saying right now, but after some more time, I hope that we could reconnect, we could be together again."

John said nothing, making me think I had messed up and thought all wrong. What if it was my pregnancy brain? What if I had made it all up? What if grief had tricked me into thinking all of this?

"Stop overthinking." John quietly chuckled."I know that face."

"And?"

"And I one hundred percent agree with you. I'm fucking floored (Y/N). I never thought you would come back to me. I thought I had lost you forever. And although it's under bad circumstances, I'm still fucking happy. I vow to look after you everyday, and once this baby is born, I will treat it as my own. I'm not trying to replace your husband, but in trying to be the man you loved again. I'll wait forever for you (Y/N)."

I let out a big breath of relief."Oh thank fuck."

"That's my girl."

We stared into each others eyes for a moment, John leaning forward slowly.

"Can I kiss you? Just one small kiss?"

I nodded, feeling nervous, as if it were our first kiss all over again. Unlike John, it was very gentle and slow, it lasted longer than I thought it would, but I didn't complain. This was the side of John I only got to see. He was my brave soldier, my fierce man that protected me, a cheeky boy that sometimes pushed me to the limit, but he was my one love. And although it would take some time to get back to how we were, I was excited for our love to grow again as it did before.