#i just wanted to get this thing done

[nullb1rdbones]

RESULTS:

Disturbing Yourself For Fun SURVEY This survey ran from December 28th to January 19th. It received 59 responses. Well done! Thank you so much everyone who participated.

I'll show the results now, and then I'll discuss them down below. Some biases that should be noted: I don't have an audience of proshippers. There may be a slight bias in the direction of the people who typically follow my blog. However, judging by the results, I think someone outside of my circle brought it into a few other circles, because the results are varied. What sorts of disturbing scenarios did children play? (this question allowed multiple answers) I'm sorry i used the word 'de-limbing instead of amputation'

The two most common results were stories about depression, as well as stories about being abandoned. Similarly, romantic manipulation and child neglect were very popular. Even the most uncommon results were still about 20%, making them fairly common and likely.

Were you ever uncomfortable playing? (the most common answer was some form of yes)

How old were you when you were first self-aware of the discomfort? (most common was 1st-2nd grade, second most was 3rd-6th)

How did you get into writing disturbing scenarios?

(The one that got 0 was "i realized a lot of things during the MeToo movement, which is one no one selected, but applies to me, but I didn't take my own survey sobs)

The most common results were either that it was in a book or in a fanfiction, second only to 'something disturbing happened in a show.' Real life trauma was also a massive contributing factor.

Did disturbing stories ever make you feel comfortable?

They say disturbing things comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted...

My biggest theory of this project is "is disturbing content addictive" and to that, I can safely say, yes. Yes, it is.

The most common results were thoughts of "I shouldn't be doing this," "someone is watching me do this" and "I guess I'm just weird." However, 19% noted that it was having an impact on their trauma, and 22.4% observed that they had felt guilty over it.

The most driving force of disturbing content was, expectedly, curiosity. Children are curious. However, it should be noted that 30.2% wished that someone would acknowledge what they were doing and talk to them about it. 24.5% also acknowledged the recognition "This happened to me. Only my toys know."

Once again, I'm so sorry for all the cropping issues only providing half of the question. I completely understand that that's annoying to look through. You're welcome to take the survey if you want to, to see the questions better. I'm still leaving it open, now that my 'study' is complete:

Let's talk about fandom spaces.

Do you read disturbing fanfiction (I had to remove the visual because of the issues with the survey)

No, I don't read fanfiction: 1.7%

I do not read fanfiction that disturbs me: 3.4%

Yes, I have intentionally sought out disturbing fanfiction expecting to be disturbed: 62.7%

Yes, I have intentionally sought out disturbing fanfiction thinking "I can handle it" and was wrong: 39%

Someone I trusted showed me disturbing fanfic and it disturbed me: 3.4%

Yes. I enjoy being disturbed by high quality writing: 54.2%

I enjoy being disturbed by crack and bizarre stories: 18.6%

I find disturbing stories sexually appealing: 25.4%

I would like to imagine the 0 is the result of people being entirely truthful.

Around 50/50 of people are either morally conscious or physically conscious about certain kinds of vaguely described illegal/dangerous disturbing content. However, 13 out of 57 (22%) claimed true for both, 20 out of 57 (35%) claimed true for neither, and 23 out of 57 (40%) chose at least 1.

Adults more frequently ask the question, "What if I'm sexually into this?" They also tend to be more uncomfortable than children are when approaching disturbing topics.

squinting at the typos People also shared a lot of very personal stories. While I won't include excerpts from those, just know, I read every one of them and took the responses to heart. Thank you for your vulnerability.

CONCLUSION

I think it's really really telling that fiction is an outlet for people to express their fears and curiosities. After all, there is no one you can hurt inside fiction. However, the prevalence of it on the internet has been a lot of people's first exposure to graphic, violent, and sexual content. I'm not saying this with any intention, only to emphasize that this is the culture of the internet that we have been put into. That's the way it is, and when people are scared by something, especially when they are a child, they play with it so it becomes less frightening. This survey was just made for the express purpose of solidifying and acknowledging that fact.

There is nothing shameful about the way someone plays with their toys, but this survey has also demonstrated that violent, cruel play can lead to addiction and habituation of that play. It can be hard to find mundane things exciting when graphic and disturbing things are much more so. This is the process of desensitization. Just something to be aware of.

Personal experience: I'm someone who is very obsessive about my own morality. I'm someone who, when I was like 11, thought I was a bad evil irredeemable person because I used to make my warrior cat toys get pregnant??? Lmao... I'm not kidding. That's what that was. The degree of shame and self disgust was completely unreasonable.

And then, when I was 17, I tried to just let it all go. Basically acknowledge the idea that 'nothing in fiction really matters, go fucking wild.' And I did, and even though I got some sort of assurance from that scared 11 year old playing warrior cats, I was still looking at things that no matter how desensitized I was, horrified me. Horrified me. Made it very difficult for me to write stories that didn't involve horrifying elements. It was very hard to get my mind out of that place where the only sort of entertainment was the kind you could get through making yourself feel heart poundingly sick. Those stories have always been the easier ones for me to write.

There's no real point to this personal message, just that after all was said and done, I tried to focus on more wholesome things. And then, college hit. I prefaced this with "I'm psych student!" but I ended the study not as one anymore. I dropped out. I got really into Fear & Hunger and Kaze to ki no Uta as well as other disturbing shows. There is comfort in that.

I think, at the end of the day, to those people who can rotate their blorbo around in their heads, that's a form of playing!

Here are some interesting studies about playing:

[lazylittledragon]

some domestic shadowlachs <33

[snarkspawn]

the devil you know

[xxplastic-cubexx]

brain please wake up and draw

bonus :

[hinamie]

i'm exactly as normal about him as I thought I'd be

[steviesbicrisis]

To me it’s the fact that Steve assumed Robin had a license but still woke up 3 hours before his work shift to drive her to school everyday.

That is not a plot hole everybody, that is just the kind of person Steve Harrington is.

[egophiliac]

we were fucking ROBBED

[soyochii]

Quick doodles before I evaporate.

[torchvic]

that one ship dynamic but with levi and mc

(credit to @litriu! here is the original post (lmk if the link doesnt work pls))

[choccy-milky]

part 2 to my modern AU📘📗💕 (part 1)

[mushroom-kin]

Sunset at Windrise - A study with original additions

[mienar]

stillness in these waking hours

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[lazylittledragon]

so uhhhhhhhh. not to be cryptic and bitchy on main but congratulations to everyone in my messages for like 5 months on being right i guess

[mamawasatesttube]

the whole "jason rules crime alley and none of the other bats are allowed there!!1!" thing is so funny like. tim LITERALLY lives in the theater where bruce's parents died,

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Congratulations to TEAM CHEESE for winning the popular vote on the Charcuterie poll!

[fascinationstreetmp3]

i need daniel to be overcompensating for his insecurities so bad. 100 times more cocky and rude and aggressive and insensitive than he was as a human, falling back into old dangerous habits and vices, not just because now he has new energy and power and wealth to flaunt but because it's ALL he has, and he needs to cling onto it. play it up and revel in it so no one sees that underneath, he feels like a botched fledgling in the body of a sick, faded old man who maybe has no real idea why he was even made. that armand might think he failed in making him. that his maker didn't even really want him.